#I only agreed to come bc of FOMO

[ghostlychaosfoil]

What am I getting myself into…

Im going to a race thing with my friedns where we walk around and talk to people ALL DAy

[equallyshaw]

european travels | Connor Bedard x k hughes au!

↳ part of connor bedard x kailey hughes au!

@kailey.hughes: thankyou to the one's who made this trip financially possible -- wouldn't be anywhere with out yall 🫶🏻

tags: connorbedard, _quinnhughes,jackhuhges & Hughes_06

210.9k likes, 29.3k comments.

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@/lhughes_06: you are very welcome

↳ @/jackhughes: like youre the one shelling out

↳ @/_quinnhughes: wait! k told me neither one of yall were contributing..

↳ @/connorbedard: she bamboozled you guys so badly...

↳ @/lhughes_06: like you didnt know bedard

↳ @/connorbedard: found out a week before lmao

@/trevorzegras: glad to see youre milking them for everything they're worth

↳ @kailey.hughes: learned from the best 🫡

@/kent.johnson: youre making con con blush with those two pics

↳ @kailey.hughes: what can i say? hes a model

@/masonmctavish: Connor for vogue - next!

@/connorbedard: artsy gal

↳ @kailey.hughes: 😚

@madisenbedard: omg the fomo is real rn😭

↳ @kailey.hughes: next time !

↳ @/edwards.73: I want to experience a hughes euro trip

↳ @kailey.hughes: come get ur stray dog @/lhughes_06

@/alexturcotte_: where was my invite? 🥺

↳ @kailey.hughes: @/jackhughes EXPLAIN

↳ @/jackhughes: what can I say? lost in the mail.

@/nicohischier: you came all the way to europe and didn't even visit? how rude.

↳ @kailey.hughes: how rude of @/jackhughes for not putting it on the itinerary when we booked our trip

↳ @/nicohischier: oh yeah, first practice back is gonna be loads of fun

↳ @/jackhughes: LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE K

↳ liked by @kailey.hughes

@/connorbedard: kailey hughes fanpage, but whats new?

tag: kailey.hughes

198k likes, 18.6k comments.

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@kailey.hughes: ilu

↳ @/connorbedard: ilu more

↳ @kailey.hughes: not possible 🫶🏻

↳ @/adamfantilli: accept the defeat bedard

↳ @kailey.hughes: no fr

@/kent.johnson: I wish he traveled the world with me ):

↳ @kailey.hughes: didnt y'all play for team canada together? its my turn

↳ @/lhughes_06: yeah kj its our turn

↳ @kailey.hughes: BYE

↳ @/kent.johnson: BYE LITTLE HUGHES

↳ @/connorbedard: take this to the gc pls

↳ @kailey.hughes: which one??

↳ @/masonmctavish: theres multiple ?!?!

↳ @kailey.hughes: unfortunately I was added to a 'bc only' chat🙄

@/jackhughes: dont like the hand placement

↳ @/_quinnhughes: i dont like it either

↳ @kailey.hughes: omg the drama queens have arrived

@elblue6: so grateful to have you join us this trip, its great to have you apart of the family again🤍

↳ @/connorbedard: thankyou mama el! appreciate you and jim so much

↳ @kailey.hughes: im gonna cry mama

@/madisenbedard: looking like a goddess always

↳ liked by @/connorbedard.

↳ @kailey.hughes: stop thats you

↳ @madisenbedard: I wish gf

@/elblue6: italy-london trip was a success!

455 likes, 89 comments.

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@/jackhughes: we know who's the fav child

↳ @/lhughes_06: and it isn't even a hughes

↳ @/_quinnhughes: nope its a bedard

↳ @kailey.hughes: then its me !

↳ @/lhughes_06: whatever you say!

@/connorbedard: thankyou for having me this trip, had an amazing time!

↳ @/elblue6: you are most welcome! now we just need @melaniebedard and @/madisenbedard to join us next time

↳ @/madisenbedard: I agree!!

↳ @melaniebedard: just tell me where and when and ill be there

↳ @/elblue6 has liked this comment

@/kimberlybrisson: looks like you had a lot of fun! PLUS all four kiddos were reunited 🥺

↳ @/elblue6: the best part 🤍

@/lhughes_06: cant believe connor got a single photo and we didn't

↳ @/jackhughes: no fr, im still salty

@/chantaltkachuk: awe we need to get the 7 of them back together!

↳ @/elblue6: we do!

@/melaniebedard: how about a vancouver trip??

↳ @/elblue6: dont have to tell me twice!

[mondscheinprinzessin]

#Lets see how long it will take for me to buy a ticket to one of their shows either because I want to go or someone I want to meet is there.#←come to Augsburg with us#just saying👀

Well... I got FOMO and I looked up the date and the buying button was very tempting and we could also make your dream of playing cards in a hotel room true .... but I would need 7 1/2 to 8 hours by train to get to you😭😭😭. Why do you cool people all live in the freaking south??? Was there a cool people meeting where you all agreed to only live in the south? Why did nobody tell me or invited me? 😥

Oh no not the fomo. I get it though, I'm watching all the people able to go to a BC concert this year and I'm all😭 because I can't make it happen for me.

I'm actually in the very east of Germany, around Berlin, so I'm driving there for 5 hours as well. I'm just doing it because it's a good point to meet @itsfandomsgalore because we live so far away from each other so we have to chose some kind of point "in the middle". Nothing will make me live in the south, god no.

[hookedonyonics]

Why do I take everything so seriously 😭

Yesterday I brought cucumber chickpea salad for lunch and my bestie was like 👀 so I was like do you want me to bring you one tomorrow and he was like yes please

Today our friend who works in another department was chatting with us so I was like do you want to do lunch all together? (we've never done this before, only recently have bestie and I been allowed to take lunch together) and she was like yes :) and we agreed on 1:00

Before 1 friend came up and to get her wallet and I was like are you going out to grab something and she was like yes and then she asked a couple people if they wanted anything and left. So I knew she was gone and wouldnt be back until after 1 but also bestie was gone, so I assumed he was in the washroom or having a smoke break or something... but then 10 minutes passed which is a very long time for him to be gone without telling me considering he almost always says when he's going to the washroom/outside...

Eventually I was like well friend will be back soon so I should mine and besties lunch from the lunch room. As I was coming back from the lunch room with our lunch, I could see out the front door that she was almost back. And so was bestie. he forgot that I had lunch for both of us and went and bought lunch.

When they came inside and we were going to move to the table together to eat I was like "uh do you also want the salad.." and he had clearly forgotten and was like "🙁 I'm an ass" so I clearly felt like a weird loser. Like I was excited for this and thought it would be fun and remembered this morning to make two portions and he was being normal and just saying sure whatever yesterday.

I'm also :( bc instead of having a nice long lunch together at 1:00 I was sitting around lonely and alone like a loser while they got to hangout and go get food together. they also both know that I'm clingy and get fomo so idk why he didnt tell me he was going bc then I would have been like I'll tag along just to hang bc instead of this fun long hang in my head which I organized, they hung out for their full 30 and I got the last 15 after feeling abandoned

I just feel :'( i had built this whole thing up in my head like bringing lunch and extra snacks for us to share and we were gonna get to have a whole lunch for all of us to chat :) but to a normal person it just means around 1:00 or whatever we'll eat together for a bit

[onetwothreefarkle]

Here, have some seblos prom headcanons: 

Seb plans an elaborate promposal that probably involves a serenade and a bouquet of flowers (shout out that one post) and probably the entire drama club helps out with it bc they all love Seb and Carlos 

This is their junior prom because I want the current juniors (who will by then be seniors) to be involved. So, redlyn and seblos are the only two couples actually going together, but everyone else is going together as friends because EJ is too old to go, and Howie goes to a different school and they decided it would only be fair if they didn’t go to either prom together bc 2 proms is...ridiculous. 

Carlos helps Ricky and Big Red pick out their prom suits (if Ricky asks, yes his suit was really that cheap and no Carlos didn’t secretly pay for any of it at all...) 

Seb goes prom shopping with the girls, and they all decided to get together early the day of prom to get ready together at Ashlyn’s. Kourtney helps everyone with their makeup looks 

Seb doesn’t wear a full face, but he definitely wears eyeshadow, mascara and winged eyeliner and some highlighter on his cheeks (and sparkles in his hair like he wore for Sharpay bc I loved that) 

Carlos gets his nails done the day before to match his suit and does his hair at home before hand. He and Seb agree to getting ready separately so they can surprise each other with their Looks (the only previews they have are of their suits, to make sure their ties match) 

Carlos buys Seb a corsage!! Carlos shows up at the Caswells’ with Ricky and Big Red and he’s so excited to give Seb the corsage and then Seb comes down the stairs and he looks so beautiful that Carlos forgets how to breathe for a second. (Seb is thinking the same thing about him.)

Seb loves the corsage, of course. 

EJ surprises them by renting a limo for Ashlyn (and Big Red) and Gina, so the whole group goes to prom together in the limo. (EJ also takes embarrassing pictures of them to cover up his FOMO.)

Once at prom they all hang out with each other and have fun dancing with their friends and it’s very wholesome 

At one point they definitely bring back some of the Stick to The Status Quo choreography, just for funsies. They also dance like a proper waltz during one of the slow dances just because Carlos wants to show off. 

Seb is just a smidgeon taller so during some of the slow dances (especially later in the night as Carlos gets tired), Carlos will rest his head on Seb’s shoulder/in the crook of his neck. 

Part way through the night Seb convinces Carlos to step out for some air, which really means going outside to makeout a little bit until Gina finds them and drags Carlos back to the dancefloor with her 

After prom is over the gang goes out for 1 AM diner pancakes (I actually did this after my prom with my friend group, highlight of the evening) and Seb falls asleep on Carlos’s shoulder in their booth 

Carlos spends the night at Seb’s and takes his makeup off for him (imagine them sitting in the bathroom and Carlos is gently wiping the makeup off Seb’s face with one of those towelettes and the whole thing is just an excuse to touch his face and gaze lovingly into his eyes) 

[sunnysviolin]

Sometimes, when sunny visits kels house for a sleepover, (or just anyones house except for basils) the host would always wake up to:

A missing sunny (who is most likely in some weird ass place like the roof)

A sunny that it staring at you from the foot of the bed or beside it

A sunny that stares from the doorway (he stares alot)

Or

A sunny that is playing bo en my time at an unreasonable hour but at a reasonable volume (or vise versa)

Alright so a different nonnie also sent me “How many times do you think sunny scares people by staring at them from the foot of the bed / beside them when they wake up?” So I’m....combining these two XD Also if you guys like....resend things can you say they’re a resend LOL bc if I have another Cho double take situation I’m going to backflip into the sun. Also don’t resend more than twice (i’m gonna be putting that in my bio bc....yeah don’t do it makes me anxious D:)

Okay mini housekeeping thing aside! This got long it’s under a read more because it’s long, but it’s full of shenanigans, sleepovers, and our local fave cryptid Sunny

I’m going to focus this in on post-canon, because I think that Sunny’s ultimate cryptid energy flows forth in his teen years. Also I really want to include the hooligans in on this (I’m...love them)

So pre-canon Sunny and Mari’s house was the go to location for their group of six. They were almost always there, but there was some unspoken rules.

You called before you came over (Only Kel didn’t follow this rule, but he always knocked and waited patiently at the door) and you had to be invited to stay for dinner. If not you went home when Sunny’s mom called a fifteen minute warning before dinner. There was also no arguing within the house. If there was an issue that needed to be addressed, Mari and Sunny’s parents would immediately send everyone home.

Post-canon Mari is gone and the house has been sold. Hero and Kel’s house becomes the go to hang out house after that. Their house is nearly night and day to Mari and Sunny’s

Mari and Sunny’s house was always neat and tidy and very quiet. Their parents generally left the TV off and didn’t use the radio, so unless one of the two children were making noise, everything would be silent. Kel and Hero’s house is in constant motion and activity. Sally is usually either babbling or screaming, music is always playing on the radio, and their main form of communication is friendly yelling at one another. Kel and Hero’s house also has an open door policy- anyone can walk in at anytime and they all know where the spare keys are hidden.

Post-canon I see a quick friendship building between Aubrey’s gang and Basil Sunny and Kel. Hero enjoys them all, but it’s not really his scene now that he’s spent a year or so at college. He will get brought along for some adventures, and he’s always up for hanging around the house with them, but when it gets to be a bigger group he prefers to just let them have fun.

When it’s just his four kids, Hero is always a part of the group though.

OKAY ALL OF THAT BUILDUP ASIDE LETS GET TO THE ACTUAL POINT OF THIS ASK

So this is when school is in session and Hero is back at college. Kel tells Aubrey that Sunny is coming up for the long weekend, and they should all do a sleepover at his house like old times. She agrees and they arrange it with Basil. Kim overhears their plans and she has FOMO so she arranges herself to be there when they tell Basil

Normally Kel makes it a point to try and include Aubrey’s friends (who are slowly just becoming friends) but this time he just pretends she isn’t there and tells Basil to come right after school and they can drive together to get Sunny.

Kim weedles it out of Aubrey later that day when they’re alone in gym class. The reason that they didn’t immediately invite her and the others? Sunny is apparently weird at night

Kim fires back that Sunny is always a little weird, but Aubrey is being fully serious. Unfortunately all that does is make Kim more curious. She goes to find Kel afterward and half asks/half demands an invitation to the sleepover. Kel seems a little awkward about her involving herself, but he agrees that she and the others can join in if they like.

Aubrey and the others arrive

Kim soon finds out that Aubrey was 100% right. Sunny is...weird at night.

At around 10:00 pm, Sunny disappears. Basila nd Aubrey went into the kitchen to make popcorn, and Kel was busy fiddling with the TV to get the movie to start. When he turns back to the couch, he asks where Sunny is. They realize Sunny has vanished.

Aubrey and Basil come in with the bowls of snacks, and Kel asks them if they’ve seen Sunny. Basil says to check the roof.

The roof. The hooligans all laugh (Basil is a sweet kid when you get to know him, but his nerves make even his jokes strange) The other three don’t laugh. In fact Kel gets up and goes to the door.

The hooligans follow out bewildered, and Sunny is o n t h e r o o f. CASUALLY. JUST THERE PETTING AN ORANGE CAT WHO IS LOUNGING PURRING NEXT TO HIM. AND KEL AND AUBREY AND BASIL DONT REACT??? Kel just waves?? and Sunny waves back???

“We’re gonna watch Insidious now, I know you haven’t seen that one before. Wanna come in?” “Kay” “Do you want to bring your cat in with you? I’ll put Hector on his leash” “Yes please”

Then the three just walk back and tell the hooligans to follow them in. Sunny got himself up so Sunny can get himself down.

It’s only the beginning of the madness. Sunny walks in holding the still purring orange cat and settles himself down in his specific corner of the couch (They were prewarned not to sit in Sunny’s spot) Aubrey cuts Kim off before she can ask about the roof, and starts the movie. Kim looks over at the cat, and it locks eyes on her, hissing.

The movie begins and Sunny will randomly speak but only to say when a character is going to die/be scared. Right before it happens. Every single time. Didn’t Kel say before that he hadn’t seen this movie?? It doesn’t matter Sunny keeps going

A ghost. A ghost. Lost in an alternate dimension by shamanic journey. It’s bizarre. The cat continues to purr a rusty old engine noise in Sunny’s lap, periodically looking at one of the hooligans and hissing, choosing a different one every time. Who’s cat is that????

They finish the movie and start to play board games. They pick monopoly and decide to divvy up into teams. Kim immediately claims Aubrey, Vance decides to go with Kel and Kel grabs Mikhael to create a trio. Charlie and Sunny silently sit beside each other, and everyone assumes that makes them a team. Angel pulls Basil to his side and they’re prepped to play the game.

Kim likes to consider herself a pretty good monopoly player, and Aubrey is a whiz with money and numbers, so she assumes they have this in the bag.

She did not account for the Sunny factor.

Sunny stares her down through the entire time. Kim is sure he doesn’t blink. She forgets to bid on auctions for properties and gives him extra rent money. They go bankrupt first, and Sunny turns his eye onto Kel who just laughs and gives Sunny finger guns. Sunny finger guns back (his face still a blank slate) and proceeds to also take all of Kel’s money.

They go to bed shortly after, and Kim is relieved. Nothing also weird can happen. Now she just has to sleep.

She wakes up in the middle of the night and adjust her position, turning over to face the other side of teh room. Four shining eyes stare back at her, catching the dim light from the kitchen. Kim shakily grabs her phone and turns on the flashlight, whirling around to see Sunny staring at her, his orange cat on top of his head.

She wakes all the rest of them with her shriek of terror. The group of four quickly settle to sleep once more, even Sunny crashing down next to Aubrey and Basil. hissing cat caught firmly in his arms.

She and the other hooligans stay up for a bit, frantically whispering about the oddness of the situation. They resolve to leave early in the morning, and to distance themselves as much as they can from...whatever Sunny is. They’re certainly glad he doesn’t go to their school anymore.

The next morning, the group of four wake up before the hooligans and cook a big breakfast. They put the phone on speaker and chat with Hero as they do so, catching up on his latest college stories. Bo en is playing from the cd player in the corner of the kitchen, kept low so as not to wake the others.

The hooligans creep downstairs and peer inside. The scene is shockingly...normal.

Sunny is still carrying his cat, but now Kel is feeding it tiny bits of bacon and it is stretching out of Sunny’s arms to reach the next delicious morsel. He’s chatting with Hero over the phone, speaking in full long sentences which is a rarity for Sunny. He even laughs quietly at a joke Hero tells.

Kim tries to translate the horror she felt last night into this morning, but it’s not there. Sunny doesn’t seem like an eldritch horror during the day. Just another teenager happy to be with people he enjoys.

Hero hangs up shortly after, and the group of four settle back into a placid silence. Aubrey breaks it by turning to the others

“I know it was weird, but I’m glad that they came for last night.” the three boys agree, and Sunny leans against the counter near Aubrey so she can scratch one hand under his cat’s neck while still flipping pancakes. When he speaks, his voice is near silent, but they all hear it anyway.

“They’re nice. They didn’t treat me different.”

The hooligans share a look and simultaneously agree to stay for breakfast.

[hagiographically]

summer qtr review/thoughts

buckle up kiddos its gonna be long -- this is mainly for my benefit tbh (tw for ed talk but as usual, no detail about behaviors)

but i feel like i tumbled less this summer and tbh i think that is ?? probably good

anyway

the quarter started off horrifically bad because i deteriorated a lot in florence. like, im so happy i went to florence and i experienced so many things and got so much braver and more confident, but i didn’t realize those positive effects until many weeks in, and they didn’t develop fully until i’d left

but i lost like..... at least 15 pounds without trying to or even realizing

surprise! italy is triggering for eating disorders....who knew....not this stanford-educated bitch right here....

anyway i was half dead when i got home to new jersey. i figured this summer i’d have to Actually Recover, and i’d dropped out of my program in south africa to be at stanford, catch up on my major, and get my shit together health-wise

That Did Not Happen, Unsurprisingly

having a disorder means.....the worse u get.....ur brain cares less about recovering....so I hit my lowest weight ever a couple weeks after getting back to ol’ stanf

it sukked cuz summer is triggering because it’s so beautiful and warm outside and like !!! shorts!!! crop tops!!! but anyway i hauled ass to the doctor to make sure i wasn’t going to die

she said “libby you are going to die very soon if you keep doing this”

but!!! that was the go-ahead i needed to flip the switch into Recovery Mode(tm) and i went to cvs the next day and bought hundreds of dollars worth of vitamins and supplements and safe foods because it was an Investment or whatever

and like......it’s been rocky. I’ve slipped up countless times. I gained 10 lbs in the first week and that was super scary lol so I relapsed, and then half-recovered from that, and since then it’s been a tug-of-war with the mental illness goblin

BUT that being said, the whole process has been kind of fun/motivating in a weird way, like I was a scientist and my body was the experiment, and I was just throwing data points into it and seeing what worked.

and ????? Some Things Worked !!! and it really awakens my sense of curiosity to see what things help me-- the nutrition and supplements helped my mood, energy, relationships (kinda? who knows what it would’ve been like otherwise), academics (same as relationships), confidence, etc. it even changed my personality i think, or at least minimized the things i didn’t like about myself and let me cultivate the things i like

like for example, i’m actually.....not an introvert i don’t think? i was talking to my mom about this yesterday -- she thinks she’s a 60/40 E/I and I’m the opposite, so we’re both ambiverts with different leanings. I identify as an introvert because I like solitary activities bc I’m used to being alone, but I realized this summer that.....being alone isn’t always good for me because it awakens mental illness goblin, but also I ??? really like talking to people and I’m good at conversations ??? I met lots of non-Stanf people from going out so much and it was always really refreshing and cool and I got energy from it....definition of an extravert

had conversations that really cemented my current values - got to talk about my classes and how much i loved them, how much the shallowness of bay area tech bothers me, how much i loved italy (florence is so hazy to me rn!! bizarre), regional differences in psychology (my passion tbh) and it just feels so good to care about things wow !! is this what it’s like to be neurotypical? no wonder yall are out there doin it

so I am not recovered in any sense of the word but I am so. much. better. I reduced a hella lot of behaviors, rarely felt depressed, and achieved pretty much everything i wanted, even though this was my sixth straight quarter of college and if i hadn’t done this self-imposed health regimen i don’t think i would’ve died, but i would’ve eroded and probably dropped out of school to go back to residential

should i be getting professional treatment? i think a lot of recovery blogs or experts would say yes, because they’re of the mind you can’t half-recover, and treatment comes before education, etc. and i don’t completely disagree and maybe once i graduate i’ll agree. but. i know that right now i want to be in school. i cannot fully recover on my own, but on my own is the only way i can get pieces of everything that i want. 

i’m healthier and happier because i made the best grades i’ve ever gotten at stanford (easy-ass classes for sure, but i’m still glad i performed as well as i possibly could. it’s a point of pride for me that even though my illness can get really severe, it’s never impacted my grades.) and i still did lots of really fun things! it was less social than last summer, where i went out every other day, but i still went to santa cruz beach boardwalk, an ed sheeran concert, a gay club in SF, SO MANY bars in downtown palo alto (at the point where multiple bartenders recognize me), a play in redwood city, coffee shops and dinner dates and sunlit morning walks to class listening to jukebox the ghost and happy-buzzed from green tea.

i’ll just say it, my fashion was kinda lit this summer....i was very physically confident, which is mixed because i might be romanticizing unhealthiness even though i am healthier than before. who knows. i am in transit

i feel like i didnt socialize as much this quarter with my actual close friends but instead met lots of one-time people and like, it was really nice meeting new people, bc when the people are always changing, i can see which elements of me stay the same. and getting to know who i am now is so interesting because tbh?? ive been through a lot this year (and also with, like, life) it’s so weird thinking of myself As A Whole when anything more than a year ago feels like a fever dream or made up story....anyway!

i did get to see my friends fairly frequently and i’m grateful for every time i did because i’m v lucky to have anyone in my life when i change as much as the fricken weather

my friends who loved stanford before are more over it now, and its funny bc i used to hate it but now im used to the school so i dont anymore. im a senior, i know the school well, ive been a member of so many clubs, been to so many on campus houses, explored the area extensively, taken a variety of classes….im not totally out of FOMO but its so reduced that im confident with what ive done there, and my ego isnt as threatened by other people bc i know i have my own kind of value. it doesnt matter if its objective or not bc how i feel is ultimately what matters

like its not all about what i feel if i dont do anything about it. but ive done some stuff! and im trying to make the shitty interpersonal stuff better! its going!

was able to read and write a little bit which is neaterino ! and i liked my job at the library, it was fun and easy

anyway if i think too much about it i’ll trip out because thinking about life sends me into existential despair, but this was a good quarter. up there with sophomore spring for my favorite/happiest/best feeling quarter? probably even better than soph spring because i was sick for most of the spring. every quarter has ups and downs and this was no exception but the downs didn’t feel as debilitating and the air didn’t feel like a fire blanket for once, and now that i have some strategies under my belt i can’t imagine things ever really getting that bad for a while

[teenpurity]

Too scared to text ya now bc every time I do and you stop replying I feel bad so I guess this is how it happens. We slowly stop texting. We only speak at school. We barely hang out. Then school is done. Then I never see you again. We never hang out. We never text each other.

I always knew this was how it would happen and he never believed me.

Funny thing is he would say he was going to marry me. But the longer he’s with that girl the more I don’t want him. The longer he lies to her the more I don’t see a future. I don’t see us ending up together bc of everything that’s happened. It’s like it’s slowly breaking apart as time passes. And I use to be like the day they break up I’m going to go straight over and sleep at his house. And now I’m like nah I don’t want to do anything anymore. It’s like the longer im being treated in this way, the more I’m like.. I wouldn’t have ever done any of this to him.. so why am I so inclined on getting back together with someone who did.

Another funny point is he had argued with me saying he can tell her that he’s going to hang out with me and then Saturday rolls around and he tells me he didn’t tell her he was going to a party with me..

That’s what I don’t understand. He clearly isn’t ready to be in a honest relationship so why be in one? Wouldn’t it be better to be single and doing what you want (bc that’s what he’s going anyways) than to be in a relationship where every single person involved is hurt or stressed or being lied to. At least when you’re single your actions don’t need to be justified. Bc you’re SINGLE?

Part of me thinks that’s why I don’t feel bad about the whole cheating thing. I don’t have anyone I have to lie to about it. Or don’t owe anyone anything. It’s a horrible thing to admit to but I don’t feel bad. It also doesn’t seem like he feels bad bc he continues the relationship. And if he doesn’t feel bad then why should I? Part of me wants to do it again. Part of me wants him to try something bc I will literally push it further. He clearly doesn’t respect his relationship so I don’t either. Again this is a horrible mind set but I can’t help it.

There are literally so many signs that he shouldn’t be with her. LITERALLY SO MANY and I think he likes to use the fact that I believe in signs against me. By showing me crazy coincidences about us. Idk why he shares those with me if he isn’t going to act on them. So that’s what makes me believe he’s using them on me.

His mom was thinking about me and so was his step dad. His mom loves me. His cousins love me. And I love them. It’s so crazy to think people look for the love we had. And he threw it away. People go crazy to find someone who is their best friend and lover and we had that?

It really shows that people don’t see what’s right in front of them. In the end I truly believe I will be the one who got away. He would agree. And it’s even crazier to think that if you really do believe we are suppose to end up together then why commit into a relationship you won’t give your 100 to. Being in a relationship isn’t going to help you become a better person. I’m sure anyone who’s gone through “the one who got away” will tell you that he’s making a big mistake and that his fear of “FOMO” when it comes to being with other people is irrational.

I don’t think it’s hard to believe that people can get it right on the first try. The whole reason people have multiple serious relationships is bc they’re trying to find someone who is worth their time. And id like to believe we got it right the first time around. That’s why people date. Not bc of experience.. but bc they’re looking for the love we had. And he’s throwing it away. And I have to stand here and let it happen. Before I would fight and try to keep him from making it worse but now it’s too late. And there’s too much damage.

I move on. If he wants to do this to her then his Karma will catch up to him. And all those times I tried to fight and stay will reward me with someone who is willing to chase me. He chased me.. but he wasn’t ready to catch me. And my next one will be. If he was my person he wouldn’t have hurt me. My person is someone who is willing to go above and beyond for me. Someone who surprises me without me having to ask, someone who will love me without me having to fight for it, and someone who tells me the truth without me having to ask specific questions.

Idk if he will ever be that for me. And that’s ok. As of right now he’s proven that he doesn’t want me as much as I want him. But maybe that’s not a me thing. He clearly doesn’t want her as much as she wants him. Maybe he looks for girls who lets him walk all over them. But I’m done being a doormat.

Don’t know if he will ever be able to prove to me that he deserves to be “my husband” as he claims he will be. But right now I lost all hope. I lost all hope on any future with us.

[aplaceforthesoul]

21/f hi, am I bad a person for resenting my bf's past? He's my 1st for everything&we've been going out for 10months. I love him very much but sometimes I get frustrated&bothered by the fact that he's had sex w/ multiple people in the past/has 2 exes. He's loyal kind&understanding even when I get moody. For example, sometimes I would get jealous fits where I'd start thinking abt the sexual experiences & get mad @ him for apparently no reason (to him) I think I'm jealous that he's had [cont.]

experiences before he met me & I don’t know what it’s like to also experience it. For some reason it makes me wish I could somehow get those experiences too. Like with his prev. ex they lived together on campus&bonded over photography&nature. I feel so jealous sometimes & even inadequate. He hooked up w/ someone before too (all of this happened b4 he met me) & I don’t know why but I’m getting emotional even as I type this. I guess when it comes down to it I just want to also have had some of these experiences. but i also love him so much? i don’t understand it. i’m trying so, so hard to come to terms with his past. It gets bad sometimes where I have to steer clear from thinking abt it or else it just ruins my mood. We’ve talked abt it before&we both agreed there’s nothing he could rlly do abt it bc it was in the past before he met me. I’ve been feeling this way every now&then for the past few months. How can I come to terms w this easier?

I don’t think that you’re a fundamentally bad person or anything? but this is definitely something that you need to move past from. the jealousy and resentment isn’t fair to your boyfriend, and it’s only toxic for you to keep getting anxious and upset over something you can’t change. 

I guess maybe it’s a case of ‘fomo’, fear of missing out? I can remember that I once was irrationally angry and jealous over a group of my friends going to a music festival, and I couldn’t come! \: and I spent the entire weekend being angry and jealous over thinking about all the good times they were having, and I wasn’t, it was awful. the resentment you feel is understandable, but not fair. and like your boyfriend’s past has nothing to do with you or your current relationship together! his past isn’t bad or morally wrong, it’s not something that can changed. 

how to deal with anxiety and future panic attacks over this? this post and this post could help you out too. plus!! sometimes saying things aloud can help? people really do underestimate the power of affirmations! so saying out loud “I’m not going to let my thoughts get the best of me today, I’m going to stay grounded, I’ve got this” or something like that really can help – it makes things feel a lot more real, and a lot more believable, it gives your words power, and gives you the strength to believe in your own convictions. so if there’s days where your thoughts are becoming too loud to cope with? stop whatever you’re doing, take a few deep breaths and say aloud to yourself “I’m not going to let my thoughts get the best of me today, I’m going to stay grounded, I’ve got this”. repeat it like a mantra if that works, whatever helps you.

it’s hard to move past something like this, when your emotions feel so powerful? but all you can is keep reminding yourself that your thoughts / feelings aren’t fair -- reminding yourself of that means that you stay aware of the fact that you need to change this feeling, it means that you’re less likely to get caught up with a skewed perception of things. remind yourself that you love your boyfriend and he loves you, that all you can do is focus on the present moment and not the past. take care

- tash