#I never thought I’d live alone let alone own something bc of my health but here I am!!!

[terrainofheartfelt]

Sort of inspired by your discussion of Jenny needing to go to London alone to really grow into herself and mature as a person, in an ideal world in which none of the main characters were forcibly tethered to the UES or its more toxic inhabitants post-high school, how do you generally - like broad strokes - imagine them developing as people in college and throughout their twenties? I always wonder where everyone might have ended up had they not been constrained by the type of narrative they were living in, and I’d love to hear any headcanons you have on the subject!

I've been thinking about this on and off since i received it (an embarrassingly - for me - amount of time ago) and now finally feel like I can answer.

because, like, what if we weren't constrained by the harsh realities of making tv? what if the rules meant that they could leave new york?

well, first, let's dovetail off jen moving to london and blossoming, and send eric along with her. he can go to cambridge, or any of the other big name universities in the area, and he and jenny would be flatmates and live their own hilarious queer sitcom of being students in london.

I've already plugged nads' yale au in my answers this evening, but I still really like the idea of dan and blair attending yale, and outside of the maelstrom of manhattan drama, they settle into their own selves and learn they could actually...like each other? and then they fall in LOVE as far as careers, they are the most driven. and we've talked about novelist dan and editress blair and art historian blair and college prof dan.....but lately I've been thinking about blair working in costuming. It's not high fashion design, but I think it's a great synthesis of the things we know blair loves: literature, film, history, art history & fashion history, Evil Dictator of Good Taste, being a specialist and big boss on a niche subject...yeah...

i still enjoy the idea of vanessa being at nyu, or at another arts college in nyc, and making her own way and building her own story (without being boxed in to the secondary character of anyone else's story!) I like the idea of her attending Tisch too, and expanding her skill set into screenwriting in that way.

to plug another au by a friend, S's goodbye stranger introduced the concept of Serena attending Berkeley, and I LOVE it. I love that for her. Berserk-ley. I think that school in that part of the country would be where Serena would really thrive. She becomes a full glamorous SF queen. perhaps she opens a coffee shop. Blair is outwardly mortified but inwardly very proud.

As for Nate, I think he is the character who really should take a gap year. It's never questioned, but the way he is yanked around by the collar those first two seasons, the more I think about it, the more it makes sense that nate would decide that he needs some time to figure out what it is he wants. sidebar: bc the serena gap year felt disingenuous in many ways, yk? serena was so eager to leave new york and go to school and study. she likes learning, we see it, and the opportunity to reinvent herself that college would provide....why would she walk away from it? except for TV Reasons. so, I like the thought of nate taking at least a year. traveling, volunteering, maybe he takes a community college course or two. he falls off the grid for a while and he realizes how healthy and how happy he feels without the constant eyes and pressure of his family & gossip girl. and after that time, he's found what he actually wants to do, and goes to school to do it. -- as always, I'm fond of nate working in health care, as a nurse or pt or something, but it could really be anything. teacher? chef? social worker? children's librarian? (actually culinary student nate has come up in convos with ivy & cherry before and I am into it.)

and uhhhhhh i guess chip wiskers can crash his inherited business and money into the ground bc lets be real that fucko would try to launch his own cryptocurrency and since he seems to hold such disdain for education and self-betterment, he stagnates and falls off the face of the earth byeeee

[rarepairnation]

augh this is driving me truly crazyinsane. i think he has always known that his story would end in tragedy. he is a numenorean lord who has dared to vie directly with the enemy. and separately, she knows the same. she is a princess with elvish blood named finduilas who marries a tragic hero. they can each, individually, only delay their own fate. fighting the long defeat. but i think finduilas is very clear of both of their endings, but denethor is not. he knows his own end, but never anticipates hers. perhaps before her he always thought he would be facing that end alone, and dares to think that perhaps he has been granted one single great blessing, that she will stand by his side to the end (because she would have, if she could have, and he always knows that). he thinks that perhaps for once in his life he will be able to have both love and duty in his hand. she is his political partner and the love of his life and both of these are true. and then all of it gets torn away. yeah youve said what i have to say about his grief i am personally going to go to the desert and let the scarabs take me.

#what if DENETHOR dreamt of finduilas dying. i mean i’d rather he didn’t bc THEN there would be a lot of potential for angst and his self#destructive behaviour. what if denethor DIDN’T FORESEE HER DEATH. BUT WISHED THAT HE DID.#GOD. HIM WONDERING IF HE COULD HAVE SAVED HER. DONE SOMETHING SOONER TO PREVENT HER HEALTH FROM DETERIORATING#but no. nothing he could have done would have changed what happened. THAT’S WHY it’s a tragedy. but *he* doesn’t know that (op's tags) truly you cannot leave this one in the tags it is eating my brain. if he doesn't foresee her death and feels like his mind, his strongest best asset, has betrayed him and betrayed her and if only he had known he would have saved her. now i like to play really fast and loose with the specifics of everyone's powers because it is fun for me but i think canonically denethor leans more towards the mindreading realm rather than the prophetic dreams. so, ok really Get Ready for this one, what if. if he doesn't have foresight at all, but faramir does, and GOD does he resent him for it. i would have used the power better i would have known her fate i would have saved her, is what he thinks; you do not deserve to have it. and it's one more brick in the wall of resentment they build up between each other and if she had lived to see it it would've broken her heart and that! does not help!

and the worst part about it is that in a kinder world it doesn't actually matter. foresight or no, he knows he couldn't have saved her. but i think there's a part of him that is simply not emotionally intelligent enough to know that she never would have wanted her death to ruin him. she was always the one who kept him out of the worst of his moods, who drew him out of the despair, and without her he has kind of. no clue how to regulate that. it becomes less of managing it and more of simply getting up each day and continuing on just because he has to. it is the war, and nothing else.

there is, however, one thing he will never ever do and it is resent her for leaving him. because he knows everything about her because she is a better version of him and she is his perfect partner and she is one he would raise to the black seat in his place if he ever needed to. and he knows she would make every sacrifice for gondor. just like he would. (she has already made a massive sacrifice, leaving dol amroth behind, but she does it both for duty and for love and that is a thing he very much understands. what he does not know and will never know is that she knew it would kill her. and perhaps...she even knew it would kill him, too. and yet she did it anyway. maybe we will be letting finduilas make one (1) bad choice tonight).

god. anyway. you're so right it makes it so much more tragic, the way they understood each other, and how he loses a lot of his ability to understand himself once she's gone. the sacrifices they are both willing to make And what they will cost the other. when love is never going to be enough to save anyone but it still matters. even though it is a part of the fall, even though it is a part of the doom and the despair, there is never regret. he has never feared death but after she's gone any vestige of fear leaves him forever. she has already walked that path and when his time comes he need only hold out his hand, and she will be there to take it. all he has to do until then is hold on, and fight until he no longer can. after her he knows he will never be able to save anything or anyone he has ever loved. he does not expect it to be love, in the end, that breaks him.

denethor is said to have been greatly affected by finduilas’ death, right. and i know their marriage was a political one but i like to believe that they still loved each other. not in the ‘traditional sense’ i guess but they loved each other’s spirits, their souls. the duty (as they viewed it) to protect their people & the willpower to do it, they both shared. and so i think that more precious than love, they understood each other perfectly. as no one else could, or did. i can’t stop thinking about denethor’s grief at losing her. to love someone, and to have them understand you, but to lose them so abruptly… no wonder denethor became embittered by her death. i think he became sad too. closed-off. built even more walls around him, not wanting to be seen as vulnerable by anyone. but his anger, at what (or whom), exactly? he already broke up with god when he was young. at the universe? at his fate? to have lost her so unfairly.

i came here to talk about their love & somewhere in the middle lost myself in his grief lol. never mind, bc what is grief if not love persevering????? they loved each other. i can’t. i CAN’T get over this simple truth. the love was there. it wouldn’t have been this tragic if there’s wasn’t. the love was there. and isn’t that enough (it isn’t. but it is. IT IS). the love was there. THE LOVE WAS. THERE. sobbing. truly sobbing DON’T TOUCH ME

[starry-eyed-simss]

Hi all!!

I know I said the next post would be announcing when Iorie returns, but unfortunately that’s not this post. I do have news, though.

As of today, 7 hours ago, I officially became a homeowner.

I’m going to be living on my own for the first time, in a place I own!!

Well, technically I’m only a condo owner, but still an owner of something!! I’m going to be moving out for the next few weeks and getting everything all situated, so Iorie’s expected return is being shifted to mid/late fall instead.

I do not plan on it being any later than that, I just wanted to give myself some time to adjust before I hop on back into her world and blow your socks off (hopefully 😅)

I miss you all, and this time I promise: this is the last post I’ll post before the announcement of Iorie’s glorious return

Thank you all so much for understanding!! ♥️

[mashiraostail]

I just started my period and my endometriosis makes it an actual living hell, and the only thing getting me through is imaging my favorite bois rubbing my tummy and giving me snacks. So it gave me the idea for this request, Vlad King, Gang Orca and Fatgum with a s/o on their period and just them being rlly soft and gentle

hey everyone! turns out the health problems I mentioned earlier are slightly more serious than I originally thought but this blog and writing is a huge comfort for me so I won’t go away completely but posting is probably gonna be pretty irregular! That being said I also imagine my fave bois around me when I’m having a bad pain day so this was actually sort of helpful to write I hope it helps you too anon! I kept it gender-neutral bc everyone gets periods ofc! (also I always write the reader living in apartments bc I live in one sdfs if that bothers anyone let me know and I’ll try to keep it in mind!)

Sekijiro Kan/ Vlad King: When he enters a basically pitch black and silent apartment Vlad’s a little concerned. You had mentioned not feeling well so he hates the idea that you went out on your own, even to just run a small errand, the idea that you wouldn’t ask him to do that sort of thing when you weren’t feeling good actually makes him a little upset he makes a mental note to talk to you about it when you’re feeling better. The sink still had dishes in it and all the blankets by the couch were unfolded plus the basket of unfolded laundry in the hall, all of it pointed to you feeling under the weather. Though it gives him an idea. He’ll at least change your bedsheets for you while your out, that way when you get back he can usher you to bed and make sure you get nice and comfortable. When he nudges your bedroom door open to do just that he’s greeted by the sight of you. Or the lump that is probably you huddled underneath your covers. “You’ve been here the whole time?” Judging by the way you shuffle into bed at his voice you’ve been awake too. He quickly makes his way over to you and sits on the edge of your mattress, “didn’t you hear me come in? You should have called me over.” He pulls the blanket down a little bit, “and here I thought you went out. I was getting ready to scold you and everything, I had a whole speech in my head.”  “I’m sorry, I couldn’t bother getting up the energy to call you, I figured you’d come in here eventually.” Despite being awake your eyes were shut. Though your face does relax a bit at the feeling of his thumb brushing your temple.  “Can you tell me what's wrong? What doesn’t feel good?” His other fingers curl around the shell of your ear, “can I help at all?”  “It’s just the cramps. They feel worse than usual this time.” You look up at him, “I feel like they’re always worse than last time though..” A knowing look falls onto his features.  He leans down enough to kiss the spot his thumb was brushing a moment ago, “I wish you told me sooner. I would have stopped somewhere on my way in.”  “I didn’t want to be a bother, you have enough to worry about this time of year-”  “You aren’t a bother.” Sekijiro gets up, “I’m sure I can find some stuff around here to help out, can you make it five more minutes?” You nod at that and he sighs, “okay, I only need three.”  True to his word he’s actually back remarkably fast. An armful of various things that he’d known to be helpful to you. A rice bag, a blanket from the living room, a few bottles of water and some pain pills, and a couple of assorted snacks.  “Room for me in there?” He asks over the mountain of supplies. You can’t help but grin at that.  “‘s always room for you.” He seems to perk up at that as he clambers into your bed. He’s wrapping the blanket around your shoulders before settling you between his legs. He hands you a cold bottle of water and some pain relievers. You melt thankfully into his chest as his arms come around your waist. The warmth from the rice-bag envelops your lower stomach.  “I really thought you went out to run errands.” He murmurs, arms coming tight around your shoulders, “I was worried sick. I really had an earful planned for you.”  You laugh a little at that, “I don’t think I could even get out of bed right now if I wanted to, so save it for another time. I’m sure I’ll do something to deserve it once my organs don’t feel like a smoothie.” He warbles at that and hunches over pressing his face into your neck.  “I feel so bad when you get like this. If I could take it all away and feel it for you I promise I would.”  It was sort of hard to be miserable with this guy whining at you.  “I’d never ask you to do that Seki.” You lean back into him, “I already feel a little better, thanks to you.” You feel his lips press into your skin.  “You wouldn’t have to ask I’d just do it-”  “That’s not what I meant!” You squeeze his arm, “but thank you. I do feel better, honestly.” He makes a half-convinced noise at that.  “Hm.��� He settles back into the pillows more, one of his legs coils over yours before he murmurs, “want me to rub your stomach?” 

Kugo Sakamata/Gang Orca: Kugo’s used to being interrupted by you, he never minded, even if he was too busy to step away from his paperwork entirely he was happy to have your company if you wanted to give it to him. Normally if he stayed shut-in for over an hour and a half you’d find your way to him, ask him if he’d eaten, if he was hungry or if he needed anything, but that’s not what happened this afternoon. He finished most of his work and you hadn’t made even a slight appearance, normally you’d even pop your head in just to say hello. Or if you left for any reason you’d poke in to let him know that too. He hadn’t even heard you rustling around in the other room. Now that he considers all of that he actually finds it sort of concerning. So he gets up to look for you.  It doesn’t take him very long to find you either, you’d laid out on the couch, a blanket haphazardly was thrown around you, and a hot water bottle on your stomach, though by the looks of how long you’d been laying there, it was probably cold now. “You don’t feel well.” Kugo sounds about as unhappy as you feel, “why didn’t you come and get me?” He sits beside you. “What’s wrong? Can I help?”  “My stupid cramps.” You mutter and shuffle closer to him, “it really hurts this time..”  He sighs and lifts an arm to allow you into his side, “It is about that time now, isn’t it? I didn’t even realize it.” He closes his arm around you, “my love, call me next time, alright?” You just nod into his side. He gets the feeling that you’d rather stay wrapped up with him for a bit so he leans back onto the couch and lets you do that for a while before patting between your shoulder blades.  “This water bottle isn’t even warm anymore.” He sighs, “I bet you’ll feel a lot better in bed with a hot water bottle and a good movie.”  “I’m comfy here..” You murmur, though he could feel the tension in your forehead where it pressed into him.  “I’ll carry you.” He gets up before you can protest, taking you along for the ride of course, “do you want to stay with me while I heat this up again, or do you want me to bring you to bed, and you can wait for me there?”  “I wanna stay with you.” You lean into his neck and take a long thankful breath of him. He sighs, though his hand slides into the back of your shirt as you wrap your legs around him.  He lugs you around to heat up the water bottle, get some painkillers, and other various odds and ends before settling you into bed.  “Can I do anything else for you?” He looks sympathetically down at you. “You aren’t gonna leave are you?” You lament, holding the warm bottle against your stomach with on hand and gripping his wrist with the other. He was in fact going to leave, he figured you’d want to go to sleep or to have the bed to yourself, he couldn’t help the space he took up but he wouldn’t blame you for wanting to spread out. “Well I...I was going to go-” He trails off as your face falls, “Though I could...I’d be happy to stay and hold you, if you want me to.” He gets into bed with you after you nod him along and welcomes you into his side. “I’ll hold this here for you, just lean against me...perfect, just like that my dear..” He pulls the blankets up again with his free hand, “you can put on a movie, maybe that will help distract you.”  You shake your head as you lean into him, “I’d rather talk to you.” He nudges against your temple at that, “aren’t you sweet? What do you want to talk about my love?”  His other hand slides into the front of your shirt and his palm pressed comfortingly to your stomach his thumb brushing your sternum. The way you melt into him isn’t lost on him. “I dunno..” You murmur, “whatever you want. How are the kids in the licensing course? You haven’t mentioned them lately.” He lets out a long sigh at that.  “They’re problem children. Like usual. Though they’re promising. The problem children always are.” You laugh a little at that.  “You love kids, I see right through your tough guy act.”  “I suppose that wouldn’t be very hard for you to do.” He concedes, “I do love them, I just want them to get their heads on right. Once they do they’ll see it. Are you hungry?” His nose presses into your hair. “No.” You  murmur, “I’m pretty exhausted.”  “I can imagine being in so much pain would wear you out. Try to fall asleep. I’ll stay here with you.”  Taishiro Toyomitsu/ Fatgum: You hated bothering Tai when you knew he was probably busy or at work or just plain exhausted. But you also hated being alone when you were in so much pain. So when you texted him asking if he was busy and saying you didn’t feel good you were expecting him to call you and offer to stay on the phone with you for a little. You aren’t sure why you underestimate him sometimes. “Hey, sugar?” Though you can’t say you aren’t happy to hear his voice. “You in here?”  “Uh-huh.” You call from the other side of your bedroom door.  “Ya decent?”  You snort at that. “Does it matter?” The door pops open.  “Course it matters. I don’t wanna be crude.” Though his light prodding falls short as he catches sight of you.  “Did my bug go and catch a bug?” He sits beside you, dropping the plastic shopping bag on the ground by your bed, “what’s wrong sugar?” His hand cups the back of your head lightly scratching the crown of your head and pulling you closer to him.  “I have really bad cramps.” You lament, “like really bad.” He doesn’t pull his hand away as you lean back into the pillows.  “I had a feeling it might be that. So I stopped on my way here to pick up a few things.” He assures, “we’ll fix you up in no time, or..at least fix ya up good enough that you can try to sleep these bad feelings off anyway.” He pulls out the things you expect, plugs in an electric heating pad, and hands you a cold drink. He presses a few scattered kisses to your stomach before placing the heating pad on it.  “I hate that you get so much grief from this all the time. Let me know if there’s anything else I can do to help.”  You just sigh and shake your head, “You’re doing more than enough trust me.” He hums knowingly, “oh I see.” He shuffles up into bed with you, “it may not fix all the pain your in...but some good old-fashioned kisses and cuddles might help a bit, huh? If that’s what you wanted all you had to do was ask. Come on over here.” He nestles you comfortably into his side, “and some candy too.” He squeezes you a little, “now they aren’t as sweet as your kisses, but they do make my tummy happy so I bet they’ll help you too.” You welcome the candy as he nudges it against your lips.  “It’s crazy how tough you are sometimes..but...I’m glad you don’t feel like you’ve gotta be like that with me though.” His hand rubs soothing circles between your shoulder blades.  “If it hurts and you need me I always want you to ask okay? I know I always want you around when I’m in pain.” He concedes, “if you need some love to distract you, well then I’m happy to help. Think of it like...me paying you back for all the times I come mopin’ around to you when I’m under the weather. And sugar, you’re so sweet you have me feeling better in no time. Though I’m sorry to say I may not have your magic touch. But even if it helps a little then it’s worth any trouble on my end, but it’s hardly ever any trouble and I mean that. honey.”  Truthfully his affection did wonders at warming you up from the inside out.  “I think you have a magic touch too.” You murmur, eyelids getting heavy at the feeling of his fingers scratching up your spine.  “Think so?” He grins into your forehead which he’d been pressing long slow kisses into, “that makes me really happy. You feel a little better?” “A little sleepy..” You nod and he hums.  “Then maybe no more candy.” He chuckles, “don’t look at me like that, here I’ve got some chips too. But these are my favorite so you have to share.” The gentle squeeze he gives you makes tension roll off you in waves.  “Close your eyes, I’ll take care of everything alright?”

[thedeviljudges]

Do you think Yohan always planned to fake his death and join Elijah in Switzerland, or did he originally intend to really die with the rest of the 'villains'? Part of me thinks that would fit with his pre-Gaon conception of himself, as a monster, not deserving of love, not necessarily seeing a role for himself in Elijah's life beyond getting revenge for her/Isaac, and financing an opportunity to help her recovery. Or do you think regardless of that, he'd still never plan to leave her on her own?

i didn't mean to put off this ask for so long. i was busy, but i also wanted to wrap my thoughts around this before i tried answering. not bc i didn't have an answer to begin with but yohan and death is a subject i'd like to approach, but i'm not entirely sure how i'd like to make the analysis of it, and i'm not sure i ever will.

so that leaves me to answer it here in the best way i can because point blank: i do believe yohan intended to die by the end. i do think he had two plans in place since the beginning (dying or not dying and helping elijah), but of course, until that final moment, he wasn't ever going to know the truth. that end scene of him blowing up the court was a 50/50 shot. he had a plan to make it out, but it wasn't a guarantee.

but lets also back up a bit because before we get to that point, i think it's necessary to point out that the reason yohan gets away and does all of the shit that he does is because he knows that he might not make it out alive. it's why he's reckless. it's why he bends the law the way that he does. yohan's actions prove, over and over again, that he does not care for himself. he does not care to live except to protect elijah. there are so many small moments of this. we call yohan unhinged out of fun, but i think there is truth in it because i've mentioned this casually before (and part of my words above in terms of not necessarily knowing how to approach this just yet) is that yohan is almost...... suicidal himself.

he's reckless. he's said that he does not care about the actual law. his goal has always been getting revenge for his brother, especially for his niece who grew up without her parents. yohan never truly cared about the bigger picture until gaon came along. if we leave out gaon and think of the plot as such, yohan would've been able to prevail much quicker, i'd say. he had a plan and was going to follow through with it no matter what, regardless of the ending. and he knew going into it that there was a chance he wouldn't make it out alive.

which is why i think he partially also allowed elijah to blame him for her parent's death because if she hates him, it will be so much easier for her to forget him. she won't mourn him or miss him. she will be able to move on with her life and live it any which way she wants. but because yohan doesn't really understand kids, let alone elijah, what he fails to realize is that elijah doesn't actually hate her uncle. she's looking to get rid of all of the pent up hurt and frustration bc she never had an outlet to let all of that out. yohan fails to see that elijah cares for him and would miss him, to a degree, if he died.

so now, if we think of the plot with gaon, it twists everything on its head bc gaon has no need to be there within yohan's plans. yohan doesn't need gaon to do anything bc everything was already planned from the beginning. if anything, gaon came in and crashed some things, leaving yohan to pick up those pieces and continue pushing forward. biggest case in point, gaon's stubbornness and his arguments against yohan with the law and what he's doing.

see, gaon eventually comes to realize yohan's reasonings for doing what he's doing for his brother, but i feel like gaon thinks that even if that is part of yohan's plan involves revenge, how much does he think yohan is also doing this for the greater good and wanting to fix society? we know that yohan has no intention of that, but does gaon? and so no wonder gaon protests because if he thinks yohan is trying to fix a broken system (plus get revenge all in the same plot), no wonder gaon continues fighting yohan - he's under the belief that yohan is trying to make things better. but he's NOT.

which circles back to the idea that yohan had every intention of either making it out alive or dying. gaon opened his eyes that yes, maybe things could possibly be good. gaon made yohan question a lot of things along the way, especially his own humanness and realizing that he is worth something and not the monster he let himself believe he was, and what others told him he was. that wasn't part of the plan either, which is why it made it so much harder for yohan to go through with bombing the court because yohan's at a conflicting place of finally understanding gaon's hope but knowing that he only ever had revenge as an intent.

yohan's plan is derailed a bit by gaon being hope and introducing concepts yohan has lived without for so long. before then, yohan lived isolated with one clear goal in mind until gaon showed him he had a reason to live. i also said in another post that while gaon stopped yohan because he didn't want to see yohan going down a path he couldn't come back from, it was already too late at that point. yohan had already set his path long before gaon came into the picture and nothing he said or done would've changed that. but it DID given yohan more perspective and more heart, possibly being at peace even more so with dying knowing elijah would have gaon.

but instances within the show - of course, his two fake deaths. him steering gaon and himself off the road on the middle of the highway. him chasing after the minister's son. yohan asking soohyun to save gaon despite him literally bleeding out.

yohan does not care for himself. he does not care whether he lives or dies, as long as his plan is completed. we can talk til we're blue in the face about how yohan was wrong manipulating the law like he did and various other things, but the reason why? is because he did not care. and it wasn't because of him being a sociopath by any means. it was because he numbed his emotions, lied to himself, and used his love for his brother and elijah to propel him to a desired end with the possibility of his death involved. and quite frankly, that speaks volumes about who he is and just how much he actually cares, how much he actually has emotions.

yohan, to love his niece so much he decided to manipulate the law, to serve his own agenda and purposes for an outcome that wouldn't actually give them that much peace, but would at least position the country in a way they could grow and give elijah a life where she wouldn't have to grow up into that kind of destruction. this is why yohan "leaves" gaon behind and why gaon is the hope of the show because in going along with his plans, yohan realized that if gaon wasn't going to follow him through til the end, if he was going to do everything in his power to stop yohan, then the biggest apology yohan could give gaon was the world - the entire judicial system to make things right, to do better. that was yohan's gift to gaon and his apology because yohan had no intention of making it better. but maybe gaon could with him gone.

i've seen a few comments about how if yohan was someone in irl, we'd all steer clear of him, well, there's a lot of characters out there like that, but i wouldn't stay away from him for the reasons everyone typically lists (like the choking and manipulation) because they think he's that way just bc. yohan's actions mimic those of someone who simply doesn't care because they're depressed and not because they're psychotic. there is a DIFFERENCE. like yes, are some of his actions shitty? and his gaon right to mistrust the things he does sometimes, also yes.

but understand that there is a difference in people's behaviors depending on the underlying mental health issues involved. i don't fully believe yohan had any intent to hurt elijah or gaon maliciously. it's part of yohan being oblivious and not recognizing his own actions mixed with the entirety of his plans to be followed through til the very end. we've seen how oblivious yohan can be (the classroom bird story is a classic example; they all thought he was the devil when in reality, this kid only hurt the bird because it was scaring the girl he sat next to. logically, that mean eliminating the threat. he didn't purposefully kill the bird and enjoy it. it was a practical response within his own personal world).

i feel like i'm missing parts of this discussion, which is why i said this was a difficult topic for me to approach just to get all of my thoughts about it out there. and long story short to answer your question: i think yohan intended to die (just like he had a plan in case went to jail, for example). that possibility couldn't have been ruled out. but i think he had the plan to escape with elijah so that she could get better. either way, whatever happened happened, even if he died. elijah would be taken care of regardless.

gaon throws a wrench in his plans just a little bit, makes him realize his emotional capacities but gaon's not enough to stop yohan from seeing his plans out until the very end, even if that means losing gaon, too, because even if gaon has shown yohan that he is worthy of love and family and affection, it is not enough to forgive everything he's done, and he needs to make right what was wrong. yohan's death in that courtroom, if it had happened, wouldn't be the thing everyone needed to forgive him for his actions but it would be a start in eliminating himself as part of the problem.

another thing to keep in mind, is that we know yohan is not a sociopath, even if that's what everyone wanted us to believe. everyone thought he made sunah jump out the window, but what he was actually doing was protecting isaac and his mother's necklace. sunah made the choice all on her own, set up yohan and framed him despite yohan reaching out time and time again. isaac didn't even understand what had happened and focused on the fact that this girl jumped because of yohan without listening to the truth of it. yohan has always been shown to be fiercely loyal to the people he loves. he's never directly done anything bad (at least as a kid) unless he was provoked.

what people need to understand about yohan as a character is INTENTIONS. and i hope i'm making myself clear on this. everyone thinks he's born a devil, but that has never been the case. yohan's actions just come from a place from blind revenge. if he never needed to get revenge in the first place, if isaac was alive and well, would yohan make these same decisions? would he still be this kind of person who needed to use these methods to work around the law? i don't think so.

i think i remember getting an ask awhile back about whether yohan would eventually turn into who he is now had isaac lived because we see him livid and upset during that flashback to one of his earlier court cases (where we find he's ripping the paper with the pen) and whether or not isaac's death just fast forwarded the process. i don't feel like trying to go dig that post out, and i can't remember what i said on it either, but i feel yohan would have his family as a moral compass to keep him in line, and he wouldn't have succumbed to his present-day tactics. i think he could've worked his way up into the system and made real change. i think his heart could've been there all long, but again, was derailed by isaac's death and of course, plans changed.

this was a mouthful, and i hope what i'm saying makes sense because you can probably see what i mean about how difficult it is trying to organize my thoughts about this subject. but i am under the full belief that yohan had every intention of dying at the end or even before that. i think he's a depressed individual who learned to slowly open back up with gaon's help, but gaon is no doctor and no amount of his kindness would help someone that depressed either. it helped, certainly. but yohan saw himself as a monster/devil until the very end, and was more than willing to kill himself to make gaon and elijah's life so much easier. as penance. as justice. as love.

[one-abuse-survivor]

before i start, thank you so much for doing what you do;this blog has given me good advice countless times and i really have to thank you for that.

my issues with my parents are that they don't take me seriously. i can literally go up to them and say: "mom/dad, i think i might be autistic or have ADHD (both would be quite likely) can i get that checked out" and list a bunch of examples why i think that and they'll just be "nah, that can't be, you don't seem like that at all" as of i didn't break my mind over it researching it and talking to people who have it to see if we've had similar experiences just to get some kind of reference as to why i feel the way i feel and why i struggle so much with things that so many other people find so easy.

but then, in the following weeks and months (after talking w them) they just randomly point out things about me that kinda annoy them, like me talking out of turn a LOT or me not looking at people or me having trouble focusing if there isn't also music and a movie going at the same time or mom saying that i seem hyperactive to her because i'm always moving my legs or pacing around or rubbing my hands or drumming on the table with pens. things like that (plus a lot more) were the exact things i was telling them about and they just put it off like it's nothing but as soon as it affects and annoys them it's suddenly very real. at this point i'm struggling to talk to my parents about anything even remotely more serious than generic smalltalk and i'm having a hard time believing myself that my struggles are in fact real and i'm not just making them up.

and also on a less related note; the thing i hate most about my parents: if i'm wearing headphones and couldn't understand what a parent was yelling from somewhere else in the house then it's my fault. but if it's the exact same situation but i'm the one calling and they couldn't hear me, then it's obviously my fault too (i kinda get the first one but srsly how could i not wear headphones when they're constantly arguing with my brother in the room next to mine) (either way if one of the scenarios is clearly my fault, then the other shld be clearly their fault bc that's how logic works)

hhhh, this got quite long. i would love to hear your thoughts about this

a continuation from the other ask about my parents not taking me seriously even when i ask them for help with my hardest problems. that ask didn't really go in the direction i had planned but there is so much going on between my parents and me that i really need to talk to someone about

background: i'm around 15-16 rn and have a brother who's 18. primary school was academically very easy for me (lots and lots of great and even perfect grades) but my brother didn't have it as easy (lots and lots of mediocre and meh grades) so my parents really just kinda let me do my thing while they were constantly busy with my brother. so i got really independant and did all of my stuff on my own bc a) i always had done it that way and b) my parents were already busy and stressed. but after my brother got his first computer and got into video games his grades dropped and my parents started constantly arguing with him and taking away his computer and stuff like that so there was always a lot of tension (and i got to a point where i can't handle people yelling; that's what i was referring to with the headphone thingy at the end of the last ask) i don't know if i can go that far and say that my parents kinda neglected me and my emotional needs in favour of saving my brother grades but that's pretty much the way it feels.

i'm now a sophomore (school works a bit different here but i'm the equivalent of a highschool sophomore afaik, here it's just 10th grade) and starting from about mid 8th grade (end of 2018) i've been struggling a lot with self care and upkeep of my already minimal social circle and academic stuff (i'm at the academically highest level of school you could be at my age without skipping any years) and also mental health.

i got quite depressive and started isolating myself and casting away friends and my grades went down a lot, which really disappointed me because my great grades were kind of my trademark thing. but i didn't feel safe talking to my parents because of the huge distance that we built by me "never" needing their help with stuff.

in that time (almost a year ago, our anniversary is in twenty days or so) i got a girlfriend and i'm hella glad that i can talk to her about everything but i feel like i can't just go dump trauma and parent issues on her forever

about last november or so i was at a pretty low point and was suicidal and that's kind of when i snapped and went to my parents to talk so being cast away and having my issues invalidated really really hurt then and made me spiral even deeper and my gf was the only thing keeping me afloat.

i'm kind of a bit better now but i have rebuilt my view of my parents from "idk we never really interact" to "trying to interact or talk is not worth the energy" and needless to say i don't like them that much

oh and i forgot about all the times i got panic attacks and sensory overloads @ school because there are so many people there (1700 students + 200 teachers) and it's loud everywhere and of course asking my parents for what to do if suddenly everything is too bright and too loud and you can't move or talk because of it didn't get me anywhere (and since i didn't know what it was called or how to describe it properly, i didn't really find any Information online either

and just typing this makes me think of so many more things that they did that aren't okay things to do (a lot of gender identity stuff for example because i'm also neck-deep in that) . but writing this has also helped a lot right now. thank you for being there and listening.

and just in case i'm ever gonna pop back in to say something i'm gonna drop a name for easier identifying

sincerely - 🌌 milky way anon

Hi, nonnie! Thanks for the kind words, I'm really glad my blog has been of help ❤️

I'm sorry your parents are making it hard to believe your struggles are real :( you deserve to be taken seriously and to get access to all the help you might need. Just the fact your symptoms are there and you're noticing them and they're interfering with your daily life is enough to get them checked, regardless of if you need a diagnosis/meds/anything else. No one deserves to live wondering if their struggles are worth discussing with a doctor or professional.

And you're right: if one of those things was your fault, then the other should be theirs, logically. But I don't even think it's "your fault" you didn't hear them because you were wearing headphones, to be honest. I think it's just something that happens from time to time and that doesn't warrant getting mad over; I think it's the kind of thing that simply needs to be talked about so everyone in the household knows how to communicate with everyone else without getting frustrated. It's as easy as saying "hey, whenever I put on headphones I'll just text the family group chat to let you guys know I won't hear you. If you need anything in those moments, just text me instead". I do this with my girlfriend sometimes—if we're wearing headphones and we're in the same room, we simply pat each other when we need something and wait until the other takes off their headphones to talk. It really doesn't have to be an issue where anyone is to blame. You're allowed to take steps to feel safe and comfortable in your house without getting punished for it.

But, of course, this doesn't work if the people around you choose to prioritise "being right" and proving you're wrong over a peaceful and healthy cohabitation, which is what most toxic and abusive people do.

As for your second ask, I would say if it feels like your parents neglected you and your needs because they were always focusing on your brother, then it's okay to say that they did. The fact alone that those feelings are there makes you deserving of talking about it and wanting to heal from it; the cause of those feelings doesn't have to be something major, or sound deeply traumatising when you say it out loud, in order to "count". And people whose emotional needs were consistently met don't feel like they weren't.

I've already shared this video before, but if you want some resources on identifying and healing from emotional neglect, I really recommend watching it. Please bear in mind, though, that the video says it's important to not blame parents for emotionally neglecting you, but I don't think that's the message a lot of people need to hear and I think you should allow yourself to feel angry at your parents for not meeting your needs and causing you trauma. That's pretty much the only thing I'd criticise about the video.

I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling with your grades and mental health lately, nonnie. I had a quite similar experience when I was in high school—I used to always get great grades, but my mental health and trauma put a lot of strain on them (as well as on my social life; I lost a lot of friends in those years) and it was really distressing to see the only thing that made me "worthy" crumble between my fingers like that. I'm still trying to unlearn this idea that your grades define your worth, and it's been really hard.

I'm so sorry your parents weren't there for you when you hit that low 😔 I'm glad your girlfriend could help you stay afloat in that moment, but they absolutely should've been there for you all those times you reached out to them for help with your struggles, and the fact that they didn't is emotionally neglectful of them.

I'm glad you're in a better place now ❤️ I really hope you can find out all the information you need on gender identity and sensory overload and any other issues that might be affecting you. Know that you deserve for your parents to be there for you. You shouldn't have to face any of this on your own, or even with only the support of other people your age. You deserve for them to care. You deserve to have your symptoms checked out. You deserve adult guidance to find resources to help you better understand and manage your struggles.

Sending all my virtual support your way ❤️ and happy belated anniversary to you and your girlfriend!

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

1 this evening I came out to my mom in an argument and now I regret it so much. It was a really dumb argument too. I wanted a friend to sleepover(Hes gay) and my mom kept saying that that makes her uncomfortable, even tho nothing could happen and stuff. And I said “well I guess I don’t need to have sleepovers with anyone because I’m bi, so they’d all make you uncomfortable.” I really pissed off my mom and then had to have a talk with my dad. During that he said he doesn’t care if I’m bi

2 but he said he hopes it’s a “stepping stone towards something bc bi people don’t live very happy lives”. Then he told me about a friend that dated a bi women(who had just gotten out of a relationship w/ a women) & she ended up leaving him. He said I should “pick the 51% and stick with it.” I haven’t talked to my mom bc she’s still pissed about the argument. I feel like shit now, & I also feel so dumb for the whole argument. I just got so excited to make plans w/ a friend I never get to hang

3 out with. I just want to be able to have fun w/ him like I can w/ all my other friends(tho I may have ruined that for myself now). I never thought I’d come out this way. I always planned to never say something unless I dated a girl. I’ve never cared for coming outs and like to be more private. My parents have never been homophobic, but I guess bi isn’t as solid of a thing for them like gay. It was a horrible decision since I still have some internalized biphobia too that is now very intense.

4 I just don’t know what to do now. Do I have... unaccepting parents? That’s a really weird idea to think about. I feel like I always manage to make things worse for myself

Hello sweetie,

I’m so sorry about how things went down. That isn’t the ideal coming out that everyone hopes to have. But this isn’t your fault that it went that way. You aren’t responsible for your parents’ shitty reaction. That is all on them. But let’s go through this from the beginning.

If I had been in your position I also would’ve argued with my mom on that topic because I just find it absolutely ridiculous that she wouldn’t allow your friend to sleep over. Especially since he’s gay. But even if he wasn’t. Honestly? If I had a teenager and they started to become sexually active I’d rather they do that in my house where I can make sure there’s plenty of condoms available than do it at some party elsewhere where alcohol might be involved as well.

So that’s that and I think your argument to say “well then I shouldn’t be allowed to have sleep overs with anyone bc I’m bi” was a very reasonable one. Okay, it may have been an impulse decision but still a solid argument. If it backfires depends on how open-minded your mother is or will grow to be. That info probably came out of left field for her so I take it she didn’t really know how to respond to that then?

Your dad is.... wow. He basically took how “how do I respond in the most biphobic way possible when my child comes out to me”-spreadsheet and decided to go with every bullet point on the list, didn’t he? Pardon my french but: what a fucking asshole. I honestly hope he’ll come around to seeing how much damage he has done with that reaction and that he will apologise and repent. Because none of what he said was okay. Hoping you will eventually pick a side is biphobic. Digging up the story about his best friend who had a bad experience with one (1) bisexual woman and using that as an excuse to talk down on all bisexuals - that’s biphobic. “bi people don’t live very happy lives” he says and then goes on to say a bunch of biphobic shit to his child - well, why might that be, dad? Why might we have such high rates of mental health problems and intimate partner abuse, huh? Maybe because of biphobes like you. And maybe that one (1) bisexual women left his friend because that was a biphobe, too.

Goddddddd, your dad makes me so angry.

It sucks that you and other kids are constantly put in that position where they have to teach their parents how to be better parents. It sucks that queer people have to educate the ignorance out of others and hope they will put the least amount of effort into opening their minds for us. It sucks. I’m sorry that things happened the way they did.

But tthing is now: the cat’s out of the bag. I don’t know what advice would be best here because I don’t know enough about your situation but depending on what your parents are like I’d either not mention it again and hope that they leave you alone with it or sit them down and tell them (especially your dad) how hurtful those comments were. In a diplomatic way you could say “I know you’re worried about me but that’s why I need extra support from you now. Bi people can live very happy lives but what’s important for that is to have people who accept us as we are. There are many hurtful stereotypes about bisexuality and they harm people like me so I’d appreciate it if you supported me through this.” I don’t know if your parents are susceptible to that kind of talk but it may be worth a try.

Until then: hang in there! It does get better. It may not look like it for a while but it does absolutely get better! And for your own internalised biphobia, here’s some advice that might help.

Maddie

[roxasboxas]

An Exhaustive Post About WHY I Hate Eraqus So Fucking Much

*back on my bullshit voice* so the thing about Eraqus, right

We don’t see a lot of him, so when analyzing him we have to focus on his impact on other characters. And the first thing to note is how a lot of people in canon consider him pretty great, for whatever reason. But, again, we don’t see him being much of anything. So, his lasting effects on other characters are where it’s at.

Terra

Terra doesn’t display any actual skill when it comes to being able to tell who’s trustworthy.

Some of it comes from him not having grown up on Disney movies like we have, but even then a lot of the people he falls in with over the course of BBS are pretty blatantly suspicious. A lot of people put this on him as a personal failing, but I’d argue that a good deal of that falls on Eraqus, his fucking teacher-dad who was supposed to help keep him safe and know how to keep himself safe.

Although, in all fairness, this may be a skill Eraqus lacks, too, as he hangs out with Xehanort.

Still, though, Terra seems to trust people (especially authority figures) with an almost unnatural absoluteness in most circumstances (ie, any time outside of that scene where he saves Ven from Eraqus), which plays into my next point.

Terra is ridiculously hard on himself.

Terra: *makes one mistake while acting in self defense* Terra, literally: “I can never go home” (in the scene it’s a bit more obvious, but it’s implied that his thought process is that Eraqus would never accept him home after, yknow, him making a literal mistake)

Xehanort kills Eraqus, but who does Terra blame? His own damn self, to the point of telling Aqua that he Terra killed Eraqus, rather than that Xehanort who literally killed Eraqus did it.

Where did Terra’s darkness come from, anyways?

We don’t really have a solid idea of how hearts and light and darkness work in Kingdom Hearts (despite how often they’re brought up) but darkness at least seems to be pretty heavily sourced from negative emotions (Ansem SOD possessing Riku via him being upset about Sora not needing him, Vanitas’ entire character, etc.)

So. Terra’s darkness. Terra has enough negative emotion for it to apparently be a palpable problem that we are concerned about. Like, does he have a genetic predisposition to depression or anxiety or something? Are there any therapists in the Land of Departure? What’s going on there

Terra has so much going on emotionally that he literally gets possessed. He needs some milk therapy

Aqua

Aqua is the golden child and the eldest daughter and it. fucks. her. up.

She’s two years younger than Terra but she’s taking the Mark of Mastery at the same time as him. Did she just start at the same time as him? Why did she start so young? this is ridiculous

She absolutely puts herself in a caretaker role (definitely to a higher degree with Ven, but also with Terra at times). Her fellow apprentices are almost more her responsibility than Eraqus’ at times, which should absolutely not be the case. My girl is 18 in BBS she is too young to be raising a 16y/o boy and a 20y/o man.

What parental stuff does Eraqus do on screen? “Terra, you are like a son to me” fuckin act like it then

If anything Eraqus encourages this thought process and behavior when he tells her to keep an eye on Terra as he sends the two of them off to punch monsters. This aint healthy man. shut up

Even when she’s hanging out in the realm of darkness for a hot decade her focus is less on taking care of herself and more on getting back to Terra and Ventus because she feels so obligated to take care of them

She’s only IN the realm of darkness in the first place because she hopped in to save Terra, who was kind of. hella possessed and evil at the time.

I feel like this actually shows up in her game mechanics as well. She’s a glass cannon. She’s out here solving other peoples problems and killing monsters like a champ but shes got no health bc shes not taking care of her own needs.

All of Aqua’s problems really fall under that one category but hoo boy it is a doozy huh

Ventus

im going back and getting the exact dialogue for this part because holy shit

Eraqus: “Ventus, you’re alone? I thought Aqua would-- Well, what matters is that you’re home. You don’t belong outside this world yet. You need to stay here, where you can learn--” Ventus: “In your prison?” Eraqus: “What?” Ventus: “That’s your excuse... for keeping me imprisoned here, isn’t it?” Eraqus: “What did you hear?” Ventus: “That I’m supposed to be some weapon... Some kind of... ‘X-blade”!” Eraqus: “I knew it. Xehanort-- He could never let it go.” [pause for flashback] Eraqus: “I failed. I had the chance to stop him and couldn’t do it. But I will not fail again.” [Eraqus summons his fucking keyblade to kill a child] Ventus: “Master! What are you...” Eraqus: “The X-Blade has no place in this or any world. Xehanort has made his purpose clear... and I am left with no choice. Forgive me... But you must exist no more.” [Terra steps in and saves Ventus.] Eraqus: “What?” Terra: “Master, have you gone mad?” Eraqus: “Terra! I command you-- step aside!” Terra: “No!” Eraqus: “You will not heed your Master?” Terra: “I won’t!” Eraqus: “Why do all my attempts to reach you fail?” [side note: this is its own fuckin loaded statement but its in terms of his effect on Terra’s own self doubt rather than what Ventus is up to] “If you don’t have it in your heart to obey... then you will have to share Ventus’s fate.” [Terra and Eraqus begin to fight] Ventus: “Enough, Terra! He’s right...”

Or, tl;dr, Ven literally believes he should fuckin die just bc Eraqus said so. What the FUCK

Ventus: hey did you know about this Eraqus: yes. die Ventus: shit ok

Things to keep in mind:

Ventus has about 4 years of cumulative memory due to magic heart shenanigan induced amnesia

Eraqus was technically responsible for him this whole time, and claimed to Ventus (getting Terra and Aqua to lie about this, BY THE WAY) that this had been the arrangement since forever.

Xehanort and Yen Sid

Xehanort

Okay, we can’t blame Eraqus for Xehanort being evil as shit and we’re probably gonna get more info on that in the new Xehanort game, but. Eraqus fucking cheats at fantasy chess. Probably didn’t contribute that much to Xehanort’s darkness problem, sure, but probably didn’t help at all, either.

Yen Sid

Dude just lives in his tower. doing jack shit. making Sora and Riku teach themselves during their final exam. Making Merlin teach Kairi and Lea. do something my guy you’re irrevocably caught up anime drama anyways

this is the joke section. to lighten the mood after talking about the whole child murder thing

And then Eraqus had literally no direct effect on anyone else in the whole ass series. His entire impact was literally negative. I hate him

[dottie-wan-kenobi]

I loveeee all the songs u chose for Tim!!! Can u maybe do a post or smth explaining why cus it’s so interesting seeing the choice behind these songs

Hi yes I can!! I’m not gonna do all of them here (I can def do the rest if you’d like!!) bc that’s just a Lot all at once lol. Also I might have typos and I apologize but dkjsfhakh I have bandaids on my fingers and it’s hard to type :^/

Disclaimer: some of these songs fit a lot better than other ones

Hard Times by Paramore

I chose this song bc it’s abbout being sad, but the tone is upbeat and happy. Something I’ve noticed abt Tim is that he is (usually) functionally depressed. Like, I read an article about high functioning depression, and it said that a lot of people who have it have a hole in their life – that they can have a job (and Tim does, being either CEO or Red Robin or both), a partner (who I like to think of as Kon), and be part of a family, maintaining this happy/upeat facade, but if you ask them what they do for fun…they usually can’t answer that. And I don’t think Tim can. When he was younger, he could, but what now? 

Fave Lyric: “Walking around / With my little rain cloud / Hanging over my head/ And it ain’t coming down / Where do I go? / Gimme some sort of sign / You hit me with lightning! / Maybe I’ll come alive”

Little Lion Man by Mumford & Sons

I chose this bc I can picture Tim, during a low moment like when Kon or Bruce died, just falling apart and thinking he’s not going to survive it, isn’t strong enough, had something to do with their deaths happening,,, etc. Also there’s a line that references anxiety and like lmao that’s Tim!

Fave Lyric: “Tremble for yourself, my man, / You know that you have seen this all before / Tremble, little lion man, / You’ll never settle any of your scores / Your grace is wasted in your face, / Your boldness stands alone among the wreck / Now learn from your mother or else spend your days biting your own neck”

Heroes (we could be) by Alesso feat. Tove Lo

I chose this bc Tim needed a happy song and also because this has such Young Justice vibes !!!! This is Tim and his friends having fun, roaming around, kicking bad guy ass together!! Actually upon looking at the lyrics again, it’s both YJ and Batman & Robin. It just encompasses Tim’s early days of being a hero I think, the happy carefree nature and the bravery and the hope

Fave Lyric: “Everyday people do everyday things but I / Can’t be one of them / I know you hear me now, we are a different kind / We can do anything”

Burn The House Down by AJR

Tbh I mostly chose this bc its a bop and I think he would sing along to it. BUT I also think this kind of represents his life as a public figure/celeb??? And if I wanna go even further, I think it could represent him when he’s older and more confident, with a better self esteem and maybe a lil less depressed (which I hope is in the cards for his future). Also it talks about lying a lot???? I’m sorry, I don’t have a good analysis for this one lmao

Fave Lyric: “Way up way up we go / Been up and down that road / Way up way up, oh no / We gon’ burn the whole house down / Watch me stand in the line / You’re only serving lies / You’ve got something to hide / We gon’ burn the whole house down”

Don’t Let Me Down by The Chainsmokers feat. Daya

I chose this bc it reminded me of Tim and Dick. I’m of the opinion that Tim getting fired from Robin was the right choice and that Dick wasn’t being cruel or anything like that at all, but I also think that Tim probably saw it that way which is valid. So it’s like, to him, Dick was his big brother who was basically always there for him, and then suddenly… he’s not. And everything else going on in his life starts to suck dramatically, and not having his big brother makes it worse, and he feels betrayed. Meanwhile Dick really is on his side, life is just also terrible for him too so they can’t be as close as they were when Tim was Robin. It can also be about Bruce or Kon tbh – just, wanting one of them to be there and they’re not.

Fave Lyric: “Crashing, hit a wall / Right now I need a miracle / Hurry up now, I need a miracle / Stranded, reaching out / I call your name but you’re not around”

More under the cut!!

Don’t Play by Halsey

This…. I chose this bc I really love the celebrity versions of the Bats, and also how competent Tim can be, and this song brings both of those together. Lol this could also be like…what other people think the Bats/Tim think like?? “Don’t play with me, I’m rich and will fuck you up” kinda thing. This is one of the ones that fits less well than the others but I still get Tim vibes from it so I’m keeping it

Fave Lyric: “Tryna take back what you say to me / I don’t give a damn what you say to me / There ain’t no time for games with me”

Over My Head (Cable Car) by The Fray

I get the feeling that after bad shit happens to Tim, he feels the way this song shows. I haven’t read much YJ so I can’t be sure, but I get the feeling that Tim, no matter what the truth is, feels like he’s alone and there’s no one who will help him. Obviously that can be tied back to his childhood and how he had to take care of himself, and so when there are people who actually do wanna help him he doesn’t see it?? And he’s down on himself so he’s probably thinking “they don’t want to help me, and I can’t blame them”

Fave Lyric: “But that’s how it’s got to be / It’s coming down to nothing more than apathy / I’d rather run the other way than stay and see / The smoke and who’s still standing when it clears” 

Icarus by Bastille

Okay not so much the drinking aspect of this song but EVERYTHING ELSE. I even used one of the lyrics for a fic title. Basically my thoughts here are: 1) everyone looks to the Robins and sees how much they do and it’s just A Lot, 2) Tim knows Jason died and so he probably thinks that’s in his future too even if Dick survived, and 3) Tim is doing a lot and feeling a lot and trying to protect himself and his feelings, which is hard work especially for someone so young

Fave Lyric: “Living beyond your years / Acting out all their fears / You feel it in your chest”

Needed Me by Rihanna

Again,,,, the Competence. I love that shit. I love BAMF!Bats, and tbh I think this could apply to more than just Tim, but I picked it for him bc of the first lyric!! This is also one of those ones that doesn’t fit super well but djkhfjkdshah I think this could really fit an AU Tim where he’s like. More morally gray. Not necessarily a bad guy but just more confident, more arrogant maybe, and more jaded from the hero-ing life

Fave Lyric: “I was good on my own, that’s the way it was, that’s the way it was / You was good on the low for a faded fuck, on some faded love / Shit, what the fuck you complaining for? / Feeling jaded, huh?”

What I’ve Done by Linkin Park

Okay I think this fits a lot of different things: his actions after Kon’s death, his and Damian’s relationship, the lies he’s told (to ppl like Steph, his dad, Tam?), his relationship with Bruce maybe?? I can also see it as him thinking on who he was as a kid – a stalker basically lmao, but ultimately harmless – versus who he is now – a skilled vigilante who’s definitely not harmless. Stark difference there. Also he’s forgiving himself, which is something I think is important for somebody with a low self view

Fave Lyric: “In this farewell / There’s no blood / There’s no alibi / ‘Cause I’ve drawn regret / From the truth / Of a thousand lies”

Tell Me You Love Me by Demi Lovato

I chose this because I think Tim is fucked up by the neglect he suffered in his childhood. I think parts of this song can be directed at his parents, the Batfam, his partner(s). He’s afraid that they’ll leave him and he needs the reassurance. Whether or not he gets it is another matter but kdsjfjkdsah. Really, I think this is all just what he’s thinking, and NOT what he’s saying. He needs the reassurance, yes, but he’s not actually asking for it because he doesn’t know how

Fave Lyric: “Bad at love, no, I’m not good at this”

bellyache by Billie Eilish

When I first added this to his playlist I somehow didn’t realize it was about a murderer but dkjfhkjshjkah whatever I’m keeping it. Let’s just go with this is a song about being fucked up (in whatever sense u wanna take that as) and it’s not happy? But like the first one, it’s upbeat and positive. I think the happy sound hiding the less pretty truth is something that explains Tim a lot. Also its a bop and he might sing along to it

Fave Lyric: “Everything I do / The way I wear my noose / Like a necklace / I wanna make ‘em scared / Like I could be anywhere / Like I’m reckless”

Migraine by Twenty One Pilots

Just Another Song About Tim’s Abysmal Mental Health

Fave Lyric: “Behind my eyelids are islands of violence / My mind ship-wrecked / This is the only land my mind could find / I did not know it was such a violent island / Full of tidal waves, suicidal crazed lions / They’re trying to eat me, blood running down their chin / And I know that I can fight or I can let the lion win / I begin to assemble what weapons I can find / 'Cause sometimes to stay alive you gotta kill your mind”

Fake Love by Drake

I hate Drake but kjdsfkjdsfhajh this goes back to a few things. His celebrity and how he’s seen/treated differently by others because of it, his low self view and the paranoia that people aren’t really there for him no matter what the truth might be, how he sees things others wouldn’t, his relationships with people like Damian and Bruce. I think he’s more forgiving than this song would imply, so maybe this is also for that AU Tim I mentioned above???

Fave Lyric: “I’ve been down so long it look like up to me / They look up to me / I got fake people showin’ fake love to me / Straight up to my face, straight up to my face”

Six Feet Under by Billie Eilish

TIMKON TIMKON TIMKON. Post Kon’s death TimKon and Tim is grieving and trying to forget bc it’s so painful!!!!!!

Fave Lyric: “Our love is six feet under / I can’t help but wonder / If our grave was watered by the rain / Would roses bloom? / Could roses bloom / Again?”

Flaws by Bastille

Idek, I feel like this could be how he could view his relationship with Steph, Cass, Damian, Bart, Dick??? Anyone? Just feeling like he hides his flaws and how he feels, and they don’t really (or at least, he thinks they don’t), and he likes that.

Fave Lyric: “There’s a hole in my soul / I can’t fill it, I can’t fill it / There’s a hole in my soul / Can you fill it? Can you fill it?”

do re mi by blackbear

I’m mostly joking when I say this but this is how he feels about Ra’s al Ghul. It doesn’t fit exactly, bc Tim and Ra’s were NOT together ever at any point, but this song is about being annoyed by someone you have a history with and wishing you’d never known them. Which is how I feel Tim should feel about Ra’s. lol

Fave Lyric: “If I could go back to that day we met / I probably would’ve stayed in bed / You wake up everyday and make me feel like I’m incompetent”

Bored by Billie Eilish

I really think this is Tim talking to his parents. Like, when he’s a kid, or when he’s older and looking back, he’s thinking “I did everything I could, it wasn’t enough, and I know it’s not fair but I can’t do anything about it.” I think this song is supposed to be romantic but I’ve never heard it that way skdjfkjsdhakjh I just always think about Tim, home alone and thinking about his parents.

Fave Lyric: “I’m not afraid anymore / What makes you sure you’re all I need? / Forget about it / When you walk out the door and leave me torn / You’re teaching me to live without it / Bored, I’m so bored, I’m so bored, so bored”

Rose-Colored Boy by Paramore

This one is like… everyone else seems to have an easier time being optimistic and positive than Tim does, in his mind. Idk I don’t have much to say kdsjfhsdjkah

Fave Lyric: “Hearts are breaking, wars are raging on / And I have taken my glasses off / You got me nervous / I’m right at the end of my rope / A half-empty girl / Don’t make me laugh, I’ll choke”

King of the Clouds by Panic! At The Disco

This is mostly because it’s a bop and Tim would like it. But also…this is a song about dimensional travel (apparently) and having ambitions that seem lofty, both of which I think Tim can definitely understand!! 

Fave Lyric: “And when I fall to rise with stardust in my eyes / In the backbone of night, I’m combustible / Dust in the fire when I can’t sleep a wink, I’m too tired / This old world, this old world”

[theartoflivingalways]

i’ve been awake for over 24 hours

I haven’t been on tumblr in years. i stopped using it after high school, but I don’t know why. but now I’m back tonight, because I needed someone to talk to, but I have no one to listen. i have friends, i have family, i have a boyfriend. i have a therapist. but no matter what: i feel so unheard, so unseen, and so ignored by everyone in my life that i literally feel like i have no one to truly turn to. for anything. so, here i am. hope i get a warm welcome!!!

here’s the thing: i’m NOT a depressed person. i’m not sad, i don’t have any major mental health issues apart from anxiety and some adhd. and before you take that the wrong way, please don’t. i just got my master’s degree in social work and i’ll be starting my new job as a therapist in a couple of weeks.

but, i’m also NOT a happy person. tbh, i can’t really describe my overall ~mood~ or whatever you wanna call it. i kinda just wake up and survive the day, every day. i take it one day at a time ... kinda like what AA says to do; but no, before you ask or the thought crosses your mind, i’m not an addict. at least not a alcohol/other drugs addict ??? sorry

maybe this is why there’s no one to listen when i need them to. i fucking ramble about literally nothing before getting to the point. 

it’s weird that i’m writing right now (ok, typing???). i haven’t done this since i was little. it feels good to do this, to have some sort of outlet when you feel so fucking unseen and unheard by every. single. person. around you. 

so i haven’t slept in over 24 hours. it’s my own fault for sure and i have adderall to thank for that (yes i’m prescribed). i decided to start a blog again because i’m sitting here, still wide awake in my apartment, alone, while my boyfriend is sound asleep in my bedroom.

so what’s my fucking problem??? why do i want someone to talk to?? i don’t know honestly. i just feel like lately all i do is listen to others, help others, give myself completely to others. and in return, i get nothing. nothing even close to what i give, or to what i’m capable of giving. which is sad. not for me particularly (maybe?), but for others, yes, i think so. 

i’m not saying that i expect anything in return for helping others, because i don’t. i didn’t enter the field of social work for the fucking money. and i know a lot of fucked up shit is going on in the world right now, and in no way do i want to minimize ANY of that. i’m just feeling a little lost and lonely, so i’m hoping this is a new outlet for me to sort out those feelings.

the last couple of hours, i’ve had a LONG string of thoughts. if you read through, you’ll eventually found out how they started. but one of the things i’ve been wrestling with in my mind is the type of person i am. 

you see, it’s difficult to be “that” person for others your whole life, especially all the fucking time. if you’re anything like me, you know what i mean by that. and if you aren’t anything like me, well, first of all congrats!!!!, and secondly, i’ll explain what i mean.

when you’re “that” person for others, like myself, it’s easy for other people to walk all over you. take advantage of you, take you for granted, expect you to ALWAYS be there no matter the cost. and of course, why wouldn’t they? you’re always there to help. you’re ALWAYS there to offer support, guidance, and advice. you’re nurturing. you listen. you’re a fucking irreplaceable, loyal to death friend. if you’re VERY much like me, you’re also the one person in your family who isn’t a total fuck up (at least not publicly?)

you’re also nonjudgmental, and you were blessed with the curse of being empathic towards others at all times. empathy of course is beautiful and a very good thing to have in this life, but do you know how hard it is to feel for every single person around you.. and not have anyone feel for you???? damn

also, you never let anyone down!! ever. you’re reliable, dependable, trustworthy to the point where it’s almost sketchy because like??? who can be that way to everyone else at all times? you guessed it- people like me and people like u!! (if this is even semi-relatable, i’m sorry) 

but people like us, like you, like me, tend to do this thing where we keep the same shitty fucking toxic people around that have hurt us, continue to hurt us both indirectly and directly, and who have let us down time and time again, because we continue clinging on to the fucking useless hope that “someday they’ll change”. someday, they’ll realize how fucking important you are to them and how shitty their lives are, and would be, without you in it.

you- we - also live by honesty and truthfulness, and assume others just live by this as well. but then you’re proved wrong over and over and over again, yet you never fucking learn your lesson because you are STILL hopeful that somewhere, somehow, deep down, other people DO stand by the morals you try so hard to stand by in life. most of the time, though, you’re completely avoiding the reality of other people and their experiences and who they really are, only to try to fit your own narrative of how you see things and how you think things should be. 

if this sounds anything like you... i’m sorry. i know it all too well. 

i grew up as the “golden child” in my family. not just my immediate family. my entire fucking family. the pressure to be perfect has lead me to develop debilitating anxiety in my 20′s, and it is what it is, but like, why the fuck couldn’t i have anxiety in high school like a normal teenager? why now? 

so yeah my anxiety’s pretty bad. it’s pretty bad tonight, which is why i turned here. to tumblr. to try to write out my thoughts. which, by the way, i’m sorry, because this is an absolute fucking mess and makes no sense. if you are reading this, though, thank you. thank you for listening when no one else seems to.

anyway. growing up with the pressure of being *perfect* has a cost. at least for me it did: 1) anxiety of course, and 2) perfectionist tendencies. these have literally- LITERALLY - ruined my entire college and graduate school experience. perfectionism combined with anxiety is a recipe for fucking disaster, and i’ve been cooking it for years.

i am deliberately writing this without proper punctuation/grammer/whateverthefuckyouwanttocallit, not capitalizing my letters etc., because i want to not have to be so perfect all the time on here, if this is something i’m going to stick to.  i know that sounds silly but it’s actually been very difficult for me to write in all lower-caps and i’m very worried that no one will even read this and HEAR ME because of my literacy negligence (i have no idea if that’s even a real thing or if it even has meaning but it sounded right)

do u want to know why i decided to write this though, truly? what lead to me feeling like i’m “spiraling” - apart from no sleep in over 24 hours now? well, get ready to laugh, because i truly think i’m pathetic and going crazy.

i went to dinner tonight with my boyfriend and his fam. our waitress was a girl i used to know years ago in high school. my boyfriend knew her too. in fact, he knew her VeRY well. for the sake of my anxious overthinking, i don’t feel like going too much into the details of *that* situation, so thanks in advance for understanding.

anyway. this corny bitch made a joke about the current political environment. i won’t say what exactly, because i’d really like to keep my identity as concealed as absolutely possible on here. but long story short, no one really laughed - every one just kinda smiled awkwardly. but you know who did laugh? my boyfriend :) 

TO ME, it seemed intentional. she wasn’t fucking funny, for one. she made a bad - no, a very bad- joke. like one of those corny dad jokes. not even a dad joke actually. a step-dad joke, except your step-dad is a loser that you hate, who treats ur mom/dad bad, has no sense of humor or a horrible sense of humor and idk, just fucking sucks you know ???

sorry that got kinda dark and it was unnecessary but do u know what i mean??? and no, that was literally not relevant to me or my family system/structure in any way. just kinda came to me, ya know? ...writing works in mysterious ways man

alright so if you don’t agree, that’s fine. i already told you to get ready to laugh, because i am well aware of how insane i fucking sound. but you know what makes anxiety & perfectionism 100x harder to cope with? insecurities. and i’m FULL of them. 

so anyway. we left dinner. him & i were driving home. i will admit that i did have some wine at dinner, and i wasn’t drunk but i definitely was feeling cocky enough to stir the pot with him. so, i casually said, “hey... didn’t you date _____?” *insert annoying waitress’s name who i knew once upon a time*

i said it very calmly. very coooool. v collected and nice. he said “no? i’ve never even talked to or hungout with that girl”.

i wish u could see my face as i’m writing this right now bc i cannnot. like i gave u a choice.... the opportunity. tHE SIMPLE opportunity - a chance - to be fucking honest................................

this dude. straight up. lied to my face. about this fucking girl. ???????

YEARS AGO, they most certainly did talk. a lot. in fact, my crAZy ass searched their names on facebook to find their old little love notes to each other that they posted on each others’ walls. which were very cringey but nothing that made me feel jealous or insecure (for once). after all, they were from years ago- i’m talking 5+ - so likeeee.... why would he lie (: 

oh and they definitely did hang out because.... i remember clearly.... a PICTURE OF THE two of them *together* *hangin* (prob bangin too) (sorry) years ago in this now-waitress’s bedroom. i believe it was a ~webcam photo~ that they took on the new mac computer her parents prob bought her. so this photo is now NO WHERE to be found. and believe me, i looked. no, i LURKED. i went to the beginnnning of her instagram posts and deep into her uploaded facebook pictures. ok, not ‘deep’, i literally got to the first pic she ever posted on FB just to try to find this damn picture. and it took me for. fucking. ever. because this bitch has prolly posted a million pictures in the last 5+ years like who does that???

but i swear to fucking whatever the fuck that this picture exists. i have fucking seen it. i’d describe it in perfect detail right now as if i saw it today, but, once again, i’m concealin my identity, yo, so i can’t do all that. v sorry

anywho. this dude - who i call my boyfriend (and yes i love him very very much and our past is absolutely fucked but that’s a whole other story for a very different time) - had the nerve, the audacity, to tell me to my face, that he “definitely doesn’t have a picture with her” because “they’ve never hung out or talked before” ... ?!??????

obv i sent him screenshots of the dirt i dug up on facebook from 5+ years ago (i.e., the old posts between them in case ya forgot during my rambling) bc like, caught ya in a lie sir. red handed.

i might be late on mentioning this part, but here’s the fucking kicker (and i’ve never used that phrase and i don’t know why i said that but ok?): TODAY, for the first time in MONTHS, literally!!!, bc of the virus and the quarantine and all that, i got ready today for dinner with his family. like actually got ready. i spent HOURS doing my make up. i don’t even remember the last time i did my make up, ok. i dressed in a really cute outfit. i felt fucking very good about myself. i thought for sure when he’d come pick me up to go to dinner he’d at least say something. at least acknowledge it. he has literally only seen me in raw form for too many days now. like, complete bare face and sweat pants basically every day since march.

but. did he even look at me twice?!!? no. did he mention anything about how i looked? how it was drastically different from my everyday attire the last couple months? did he take 2 seconds out of his day to say something corny or flirty to me? even just, “you look beautiful”??? honestly i would’ve even appreciated, “you look beautiful, for once” ???

did u guess the correct answer? well if u didn’t, it’s N O.

but u know who he did look at twice.

our waitress at dinner.

(: 

i think i wrote enough for one night. if u think this is my anxiety/perfectionism/insecurities combination spiraling out of control after being tamed incessantly for 20+ years, PLZ TELL ME.

but also, if you have a fucking brain, you’d know that:

1) this is definitely NOT the first time i’ve responded to something like this the way i did, and 

2) i really just needed to ramble on and vent about all the shit that’s been going through my mind the last 2 1/2 hours, so there’s that.

have a good night get some sleep!!! thank u for ur time. 

[firelord-frowny]

itsmerandi replied to your post:I finally watched parasite and what the FUCK

Lol another mutual of mine is watching it tonight too! PLEASE I’d love to hear your thoughts!

@itsmerandi Okaysolike?????

literally WHERE do i even BEGIN omg!!! 

So, as far as lying to get well-paying jobs working for rich people, I wasn’t even remotely mad at the son or the sister. Like, the son was actually kinda qualified for the job, even though he didn’t have the credentials to prove it, so like, I ain’t mad at him for forging some documents and lying about his education lmao. The sister was a bit shadier, I guess, lying about being a psychologist, which like, that wasn’t necessary lmfao. But I still wasn’t too mad, bc hey, a girl’s gotta get paid. 

BUT THEN! When they framed the driver for being a perv??? And then got the housekeeper fired by triggering her allergies and then convincing Mrs. Park that she had fucking tuberculosis??? That was vile! Like gosh! It’s one thing to lie your way into a job, but it’s another thing entirely to GET ANOTHER WORKING CLASS PERSON FIRED so you can take their job!! Which like, I mean, I guess being broke can make people resort to hella unsavory things, but woooow. That was sooooo messy. 

But the whole time, I’m enjoying the wacky shenanigans of this family of con artists living it up in a mansion that isn’t theirs, getting drunk, making fun of the rich folks for not having a clue that they’re being duped, and I’m just having myself a grand ol’ time. 

BUT THEN OMFG WHEN THE OLD HOUSEKEEPER SHOWS UP TO GET HER FUCKING HUSBAND OUT OF THE BASEMENT???? WHAT??? LMFAO WHYYYYYY!!!! WHAT IS HE DOING THERE!!! AND WHY DOES HE SEEM TO HAVE A CREEPY OBSESSION WITH MR. PARK??? I literally just. Don’t even know what to say about that lmfao ew ew EW. 

But like wooooooow that scene where they were hiding under the table while Mr. and Mrs. Park were snuggling on the couch and like... Mr. Park starts talking about how the dad has a weird smell... he said he smells like a fucking boiled rag! A BOILED RAG, RANDI!!!! That’s! So MEAN! A boiled rag!!! Not just a rag, not even a dirty rag, but a BOILED rag. Boiled. BOILED. I can’t. I CANNOT!!! This poor man had to listen to someone say he smells like a BOILED RAG!!! I felt so sad for him omfg!! 

And then when they finally sneak out of the house and return home to find THEIR ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD FLOODED IN SEWAGE??? And they go in their lil home to try to salvage anything at all, but it’s just. Ruined and disgusting!! :( And like, jeez, the daughter broke my fucking heart with the way she so quickly resigned herself to abject apathy. Like. There is not one single thing she could do to make the situation even a little bit better. She’s helpless. She’s watching her home become a literal cesspool. Shit is exploding out of the toilet and she just fucking accepts it, and smokes a cigarette, and chills on the toilet while shit spews all around her. Like jeeeeeez. That scene Got To Me. That was the single saddest moment of the film for me. And the fact that after all of that happened they had to go back and work for this rich family??? Heartbreaking. You lose everything in the blink of an eye because you were too poor to be able to afford to live somewhere where there’s lower risk of a catastrophe happening, meanwhile you have to smile your way through working for filthy rich people who have probably never had a reason to even worry about losing their home.

AND THEN!!!!!!

The birthday party. The fucking birthday party. 

Randi. 

RANDI!!! 

what the FUCK!!! 

The sister! The poor sister!! She was kind of a shitty person, yeah, but damn! She didn’t deserve that! :( :( 

AND THEN THE DAD STABS THE OTHER DAD all because he saw him pinch his nose shut at the smell of the crazy basement man! But tbh I lowkey felt like I would have wanted to do the same thing lmao like jeez, you classist lil shit, your son’s birthday party just turned into a Mass Knifing, and you still have the presence of mind to pinch your nose at someone’s stank???? 

But then again, i know i often feel like i would rather Literally Die than smell something stanky, so idk lmfao. 

But anyway,

Jeeeeeeeeeesus fucking christ! 

What! A fucking! Nightmare! 

And then goshhhh when the son decides to get rich and buy the house??? And the dad is just being a creep living in the basement?? That was some pathological shit omg. And it made me so saaaAAAAD like wow, there really are people out there who want so badly to be rich that it’s like a legit fairy-tale-like fantasy for them. Like, they just go and stare longingly at big houses. Which like. On the one hand, I can sorta imagine how poverty might make someone long for exorbitant wealth, buuuut personally, I can’t imagine legitimately wanting that kind of lifestyle, let alone longing for it and feeling depressed about not having it. I mean, I can see, at most, how it would be cool to spend a few nights in a luxury suite with room service and fancy showers and plush robes. But like. I don’t need to be wealthy for that lmao I just need to save up a few grand to treat myself to a lil fancy vacation maybe once every few years. It’s not at allllllll something I value enough that I would want it at my fingertips every day. Like, I really don’t feel even remotely envious of wealthy people beyond the fact that they don’t need to worry about the cost of food or housing or health care. Really, I’m more likely to pity them for various reasons that I’m currently too unfocused to articulate. But yeah like. The fact that people are so often and so intensely encouraged to aspire toward obscene wealth is sick and, especially when coupled with poverty that’s manufactured and built into a society, it can make people so spiritually/emotionally ill. :(

But oh oh!

Also??? I was surprised how much I appreciated the portrayal of the rich family??? I mean yeah they were a tiny bit elitist but they were mostly just a nice, normal family. In media that depicts dynamics between rich people and poo people, I’m so used to the rich people being portrayed as snobby and evil and selfish. But these folks weren’t any of those things. They were just normal people. Normal people who have a few personality flaws that stem from being accustomed to being able to have whatever they want exactly when they want it, but like. They were still nice, kind people for the most part. A loving husband and wife who are invested in using their affluence to make sure their children can thrive. 

Which I mean like, I don’t mean to suggest that ~oh wahhh, rich people are unfairly portrayed in the media~ or anything like that bc that would be dumb lmfao. But in this specific context, I liked that even though they weren’t ~good guys,~ they definitely were not villains. Just! Wealthy folks who are mostly just minding their own business and throwing their money around!

[edo-vivendum]

My Past Two Years 11/2019

I wanna tell yall the briefish version of my past two years. Two years ago, I was doing okay. I proudly identified as 99% recovered from the eating disorder which I'd done IOP treatment for twice. Yet at the same time, I was in a rigid daily routine and maintaining a "healthy" yet artificially low weight (though I didn't realize this). But I was doing way better than I had in high school or in my first two semesters of college. However, I was finding myself fairly frequently overwhelmed with emotional flashbacks, and I decided I was stable enough and ready to finally dig deeper in therapy and delve into my childhood traumas.

I was very wrong. I was far from stable enough to do outpatient trauma work. I managed to fight my eating disorder thoughts and urges through the spring semester, but the signs were there: I was slipping. I was crying most days at lunch. I was lying, arguing over food, skipping meals. Things I'd promised myself I'd never do again. Finals week I told myself I had to follow an old meal plan: I needed energy to perform well in my tests, tests which would replace lower grades from days and weeks during the semester when I just couldn't gather the energy to study. And I did it, I finished the semester with all A's, a feat that was quickly overshadowed by my rapidly disintegrating mental and physical health.

During this period of time, my thoughts were obsessively suicidal, but only when I was eating (adequately). And so I stopped. It seemed safer, a temporary delve into my eating disorder in order to stay alive. Seems fair? I was terrified I'd accidently kill myself. I was so overcome with shame and guilt. I thought I'd be able to just turn my eating disorder off again the moment I was ready. But it didn't work like that.

My mental health was overpowering my sheer will power, and I quickly found myself deeper in my eating disorder than I had been in years. And unlike in high school, my body couldn't take it for months and months on end. I found myself in the ER and was told that I couldn't do IOP anymore, that the lowest level of care that was ethically appropriate when I was a medical risk was PHP, and so I did PHP (a day program). I couldn't think straight, ever. My thoughts were hazy. I couldn't concentrate. It was like being dissociated constantly, except it was there even when I wasn't. And as an all A student, a girl who (at that time) found my confidence only in my intellect, I was terrified. But I was also terrified I'd accidently kill myself if I stopped restricting. But, regardless, I ate my meals in program, arguing and debating over every bite. Then curling up and crying. I stayed alive for the swim team I coach during the summer. I coached in the morning then headed to PHP for the rest of the day. And those kids brought me so much joy. They kept me alive. Them and my guilt. The thought of damaging the lives of everyone around me by ending my own made me so guilty.

Eventually, somehow, I graduated, stepped down to IOP again, and only had groups for a three hours 3 days a week (rather than 6 hrs 6x/week). But then one day they challenged my rigidity. They told me I couldn't bring plain rice with 1 tsp of butter + chik'N (vegan) nuggets + steamed broccoli + a cheese stick. It met my meal plan. Precisely. And they said it was disordered. (it was). They asked me to add ketchup to my nuggets. Something overcame me, and I couldn't do it. I cried so much that night that they pulled me out of the room and had me sit individually with someone. "This is not an IOP response." It wasn't. And suddenly I realized that I had never been recovered, that my rigidity was part of my eating disorder, that I had MILES of work to do, and it was too much. I couldn't do it (at that point in time). I felt so defeated. And I didn't know what to do. And in my defeat, my urges became harder to fight, and my intake once again decreased dangerously.

PHP was suggested again, but I was skeptical. If it didn't work before, why would it work now? My outpatient therapist mentioned to me that residential treatment was only a slightly higher level of care than php. I started looking into options. I felt like a fraud. I wasn't underweight. I wasn't physically at risk to myself (my team and my current self disagree with that). But I didn't think I needed it. But part of me found hope in the idea. What if I could go somewhere and receive ED treatment and trauma treatment at the same time? Somewhere where I'd be safe from myself? In my head, the options seemed to be : (1) die (2) starve myself until I die (3) go to residential treatment, give it my all, and try to recover.

And so I picked option 3. I felt like a fraud, but my insurance covered it. I did my research, and I picked Monte Nido River Towns in New York City suburbs. Within two weeks, I was flying up there. I was terrified, but I was ready to work.

It was harder than I ever imagined. I was so scared. Never before had I lost so much control over my food. I got no say in what was in front of me other than my choice of three food items i could exclude. I picked Brussel sprouts and red meat (and later added raw onions as a third bc the chef overdid it on the onions every time). Monte Nido was stricter than my local program in so many ways, but they were also more supportive. For the first time, I was able to begin to explore my past. I was able to start healing. While there, I realized I was sicker than I could have previously admitted. Most of the clients there were at healthy weights (many of whom has anorexia or atypical Anorexia diagnoses). My bloodwork was a mess. I was having heart palpitations nearly daily. My sodium was low, and my water intake was restricted in order to level my sodium. I realized I'd been overhydrating previously, and it felt like I was withdrawing from a drug. I was always thirsty, overheating, dry throat. It was terrible, but after a few days, I adjusted to drinking only 64 ounces of water a day (I know that's such a normal amount lolll I have no clue how much it was before!!).

My insurance only covered 30 days, and I wasn't ready. I discharged to a PHP in Boston also owned by Monte Nido. I stayed in their supportive housing and did a month and a half of php. It helped. I slowly improved some. I became more stable with meal plan compliance. I started to realize how bad my family was for me. It was only in their absence that I began to flourish. I was preparing my own food outside of program. I did another month and half of IOP in Boston, and then in November, about one year ago, I came home to continue IOP at my local program.

And things became stagnant. I would have a good week and then two bad weeks. Things were stable enough to not need PHP again, but not stable enough to discharge. But I couldn't stay in IOP forever, and after 5 months, they discharged me.

I knew I wasn't ready, but I was determined to try to make it work. I knew I couldn't stay in IOP forever. But I wanted so badly to recover, and I was so scared I'd fall backwards.

So I did pretty well for about a month, then slowly things started slipping. I'm not sure what happened per say. I think I was probably brute forcing it, and I couldn't keep it up. I decided to go back to IOP, not in the full program, just twice a week, sort of a tune up. That was the plan anyways.

I did an assessment on a Monday, started that evening. I was to come back on Thursday. Tuesday, I went to my parents, and for whatever reason, my brother told me that it was my fault that I was bullied.

I spiraled. It triggered shame and guilt. It triggered my own belief that it was my fault. As though all my work had come undone, I was suicidal again.

I tried to hold it together. My therapist talked to me on the phone countless times over that week, but on Saturday afternoon, I asked my boyfriend to take me to the hospital. I didn't feel safe with myself. I was scared to be in the bathroom alone.

The hospital was a horrible experience. It was my second time in a psych hospital, and this time was by far the worst. There were 38 women in a small unit. We spent all our time in a day room that definitely was not designed for 38 people. Most of the people there were detoxing and were sporatic and loud and... Terrifying to me with PTSD from being bullied and verbally abused by peers and teachers. Staff were verbally abusive. Finally, after what felt like a year but was only six days, I left the hospital. My suicidality had been quite literally scared out of me, but my anxiety was 10/10 constantly. I felt unsafe. I was shaking consistently for an entire week. Even now, I start shaking thinking about it.

My therapist suggested residential trauma treatment at a place in Florida called the Refuge. They had an eating disorder program as well, so they would be able to take me (as most places just straight up won't take you if you have an ED but most ED places don't do real trauma work either). Anyways, this place was amazing. I was there for two months, and I grew so much. I was surrounded by support. The ED part of the program was pretty relaxed, which in some ways was good but in other ways let me act out through my eating while doing trauma work. But they kept me contained enough that I was very safe physically. I was so emotionally supported; I don't even have the words for it. My program therapist gave me new understanding of myself. She tested and diagnosed me with Asbergers and taught me that some aspects of my rigidity were likely because of asbergers and not because of my ED —that it was OK if my recovery looked a little different than other people's recovery. I was able to share in groups about my childhood, and I received a ton of validation and support for traumas that I perceived as not worthy of being traumatized by. I was supported and respected and made a ton of progress in respecting and supporting myself.

I discharged back into the shitty ass local iop program. I needed to refocus on the food aspect just a little and get back on track with food. I had a little weight I needed to gain in order to be at my own set point. Blah blah. Etc.

This program has been such a mess. My case manager told me everyone walked on eggshells around me. When I advocated for myself, I was told I was being needy. Then they told me I had to discharge because I was refusing to learn to cope with emotions despite the fact that my outpatient team and I both agree that I'd made huge progress. Before going to the refuge, the experience would have been triggering, but instead it became an opportunity for me to prove to myself just how resilient I have become. I finally discharged IOP last week, and this time, I actually feel ready.

I've been meal plan compliant for months. I've been actively using coping skills and managing situations more effectively than I ever have before. I have made so so so much progress; and I can say, today, I am happy to be alive. I haven't had a suicidal thought since being home from the Refuge. I haven't self-harmed since September. I still have work to do, but I can also accept where I'm at while I'm doing that work. Life is good. I am confident I can keep this up for months, even years.

[phonaesthemes]

a list of asks

@padawanyugi tagged me in this, but Tumblr decided to eat any notification that I got tagged, so I’m glad I saw it on my dash because I like filling these things out. Thanks for tagging me! I may have typed A Lot.

Favorites: What types of books do you enjoy? Tell about what you’ve read recently (Or maybe about a book you hated recently!)I like spec-fic and sci-fi, although less “hard” science fiction, and I also enjoy fantasy. I read a lot of YA even though I’m in my 30s just because it seems easy to find a story I want to read and I’m not usually in the mood for dense prose.

I’ve been rereading the Wheel of Time series since it’s getting an Amazon TV show; it was my first non-LOTR fantasy series and I love it to death, warts and all, although I love joking about the weak points with other people who’ve read it. I think the last other thing I read was A Gentleman’s Guide to Vice and Virtue, which was a queer YA historical fiction, and it was a lot of fun. I wish I’d had access to all these queer stories when I was an actual teenager, but better late than never.

What types of music do you like to listen to? Share five songs from your music library. I really do like a bit of everything, although I gravitate towards certain genres more often depending on the season or time of day, so I’m going to cheat and pick 5 per season. Summer for me is lots of peppy pop (pride playlists!), punk and rock and punk-adjacent stuff, just upbeat stuff in general. -Weekender, by The Royal They -Break My Heart, by Dua Lipa -Toutes les femmes savent danser, by Loud -Ruby Soho, by Rancid -Womanarchist, by Bad Cop, Bad Cop

In the fall, my inner goth kid craves darkwave, goth rock, dramatic folk, roots rock, and also anything that reminds me of Halloween. -Iuka, by the Secret Sisters -Bela Lugosi’s Dead, by Bauhaus -How’s It Gonna End, by Tom Waits -Under the Milky Way, by The Church -I Put a Spell on You, by Screamin’ Jay Hawkins I could go on about the Christmas music I like at length (Boney M’s Christmas album slaps, ngl) but I’ll just skip that and say that I listen to more classical and piano pieces in the winter. I’m terrible at remembering names, so artists only: -Ludovico Einaudi -Chopin -Debussy -Saint-Saëns -Dvořák And in spring I’m usually just depressed af and listen to whatever. -FML, by K.Flay -Weird Part of the Night, by Louis Cole -Juodaan Viinaa, by Korpiklaani -P.O.H.U.I., by Carla’s Dreams -Marryuna, by Baker Boy

Do you have a show or movie that you can just put on anytime and it’s your comfort? Definitely Star Trek. I’ve rewatched the various iterations (except TOS) so many times. Also Mean Girls and Bring It On, idk why.

Do you have a favorite dessert? Tiramisu or creme brulée! Or macarons. I don’t eat dessert really unless I’m at a restaurant.

Do you have a favorite cold drink? Sparkling water, hands down.

Do you have a favorite game? The hours I have put into the SIms in my lifetime is probably shameful, although I haven’t played in a while. Don’t Starve is another contender for hours played, but I am also really fond everything by Amanita Design

Do you have a favorite part of your self care/beauty/health routine? I haven’t been doing it much lately since I’ve been dealing with some uncertain health issues with my joints (actually have a rheumatologist appointment later today), but savasana after a long yoga workout is borderline ecstasy.

Do you have a favorite type of take-out food? Indian for sure.

What’s your favorite type of exercise/physical activity? I have a love-hate relationship with running. I don’t actually love it but I love how I feel after. I really enjoy yoga. I love playing in the water at the beach, bodyboarding and swimming.

Pick between: (you choose the context)

Cook or bake? (I love cooking A Lot)

Space or ocean? (Hard to pick, but I grew up by the ocean and it’s 100% my happy place)

Chocolate or vanilla?

City or suburb or rural? (I grew up in an isolated rural village and I miss the quiet and the slower pace of life, but I do not miss the lack of amenities and opportunities, or the smalltown gossip. I also don’t drive bc of epilepsy, so I’m fucked as far as transport in rural settings.)

Past or future?

Shower in the morning or evening?

Mac/Apple or PC/Android? (Linux in general!)

Sing or dance?  (I don’t have an amazing voice but I can carry a tune without it being painful, and I love singing along with songs.)

Get up early or sleep in? (I actually love sleeping in but with two kids, early morning is my only time to myself, so I wake up before 6 most days AGGH.)

Shoes, socks, or bare feet? (Hate socks. I’m barefoot at home all year round.)

Marker, crayon, or pencil? Pen!

Tea, coffee, or hot chocolate? (Coffee in the morning, tea later on.)

Random questions:

Have you ever had any pets? (Had dogs and a cat as a kid, and as an adult I’ve had betta fish and cats, and I have a cat currently.)

What is your academic background/job field? I did my undergrad in linguistics, and I am currently a stay-at-home dad lol. I do freelance editing and transcription on the side. I don’t think I’ll ever work in my field bc I really don’t have the energy to go to grad school.

What’s something random that you’re into (even if you aren’t good at it)? I signed up for a Cape Breton step dancing class in university and I loved it.

Are you good at putting away your clean laundry right away? It depends on the day, but generally yes. Mine and everyone else’s. When I lived alone? Absolutely not.

What’s one of your pet peeves? Someone trying to have a conversation with me when they have the radio or TV on. I can’t follow what you’re saying if someone else is speaking! I hate having that stuff on as background noise in general.

What’s something you’re pretty good at? I’m a great cook.

What’s the most recent nice thing you bought for yourself? A new conditioner ig? lol

Can you sew? I can mend a small tear or sew on a button, but it’s been years since I did more than that.

What’s a chore you hate (or a chore you enjoy)? I hate vacuuming so much. So much. Maybe if I had a better vaccuum cleaner I wouldn’t mind it, but I just feel like I’m fighting with the stupid thing, getting caught up on its own cords, caught on furniture, can’t quiiiite reach a spot... HATE IT. I like shoveling snow sometimes, though.

Tell us a fun fact about yourself. I am 20 years older than my youngest sibling, and five minutes younger than my “oldest” sibling.

Never have I ever... Gone fishing, even though I’m from a fishing community.

What extracurriculars did/do you do in school? In high school, I played trumpet in band until the band got dissolved from lack of funding. I played soccer one year, was in a play another year. We had an art club for like a semester that I was in. In university the first time round, I did step dancing and intramural hide and seek  Second time around, I was in the linguistics club to help with assignments. (We were very much encouraged to work in pairs or groups for a lot of different classes. The only thing was that you did need to list your group members on the assignment so the prof knew who you worked with. My first morphology class in particular, we had a whole homework club where a huge portion of the class got together to work through assignments and help each other understand, and the prof would quite often show up. </tangent>

Deeper questions:

How’s your quarantine/last few months been? The cabin fever was really bad before the weather warmed up. I struggle with seasonal depression every spring, and it’s gotten much worse since we moved to Edmonton because of how long the winters are. (Snow from September to May/June? Fucccck.) It’s frankly horrifying to look at what’s going on in the US, but even though we have far fewer cases here, I’m really anxious that we’ll see another wave soon. Otherwise, I think I’ve adjusted. Home-schooling, hand-sanitizing, social distancing, masks...All feels kind of normal now, which should maybe concern me.

What do you think of human nature/society/etc.? I am like the least philosophical person you will meet so I don’t think I really have many thoughts.

What’s something you are insecure about? Writing my L2 if a native speaker is gonna read it.

What do you think is the meaning of life/reason that humans exist in the universe? I don’t think there is one, and that doesn’t bother me.

Do you think you’re better (whatever that means to you) than you used to be? Definitely. My adolescence and early adulthood was rough. I was dealing with a lot of trauma, untreated bipolar disorder, and I self-harmed for a very long time. I could not imagine making it to 30, let alone being stable and happy. I actively avoided thinking about the future because it made me spiral. But I was lucky enough to get help, consistent help from a doctor I clicked with, and it made a world of difference. I think younger me would be disappointed at how mundane my life is, but I’m thrilled to be boring because boring means no life-upending mood episodes. I have a happy partnership and two delightful kids and I couldn’t ask for more.

What are your thoughts on religion? I’m not religious and my own experience being raised in the Catholic church was frankly traumatic, but I know that it’s a source of comfort and community for many others and I think that’s awesome for them.

Do you think that there are aliens out there? I think so, although I think that we may not even know what other kinds of life to look for and may not recognize it even if we find it.

What’s something that’s been on your mind recently? We’re moving cross-country in less than a month (driving, no less, nearly 5000 km) and I still have so much to do to get ready aosjdoajdoasijdoaijsd

[raiswriting]

dancing with your ghost

inspired by this song

warnings: symptoms that are similar to mental health issues like depression but never explicitly stated

genre: pure angst sorry

pairing: lucas/yukhei wong x reader

summary: ummm heartache???? basically the aftermath of a ‘hey let’s pretend to be dating bc i need someone to take to this wedding and you need someone to scare off your ex’ type of story

word count: 1582

a/n: lmao i am reposting this because it absolutely flopped the first time hehehe ALSO i made a playlist to go with this story. the first half or so is the same playlist that is mentioned in the story then the second half is more about the theme of it. i put way too much effort into it but i hope you enjoy it!! 

there was an emptiness that couldn’t be filled

an ache that couldn’t be soothed

a feeling of nostalgia for what never was

honestly you couldn’t be sure if this hole in your chest was a bad thing anymore. you’d grown so used to it that the thought of one day living with out it seemed so fantastical and out of reach. you found a sort of morbid comfort in the sorrow

time has slipped away as routine comfortably took its place. mondays became indistinguishable from wednesday or friday. the only thing separating saturday and sunday from the rest was the lack of work.

your thoughts drifted from the idea of getting up and taking a shower or even just washing your face to the cup of tea that’s been sitting on the coffee table and once more to your phone lying next to it. it lit up with yet another text message to which you would send yet another half-assed response of ‘id love to get together but work has been super busy lately and i need a me weekend.’ you wonder how many more ‘me weekends’ you’d be able to have before someone saw through it.

you just couldn’t have that face to face conversation with any of them. how do you explain that none of it was serious. or that all he needed was someone to take to family get-togethers for when his uncles would ask about his love life. or that you had grown so used to his hand in yours that the emptiness you felt when he wasn’t there scared you. or that you missed him. how could you look someone in the eyes and say that you had not only lost a love but also a best friend. how do you describe that hurt. how do you say that you feel unlovable. how.

you couldn’t say those thoughts aloud because as soon as you did they’d become real. he would really be gone. and happy. and in love. and you would have to admit that you were hurting. you’d have to admit that it was really over.

so instead you lay here on the sofa. and keep it all in. sometimes you can’t help but remember him. and how happy he’d been.

the knock on your door drew your attention from the sheet of cookies ready to go into the oven.

there he stood in the doorway with a smile so bright that it put the stars on the clearest of nights to shame.

‘hey y/n’ he pulled you into a warm embrace. the scent of his cologne was intoxicating. strong and inviting, the prefect reflection of his personality.

‘hey lucas. i wasn’t expecting to stop by today.’

‘yeah i just wanted to share some good news with you. like really good news. like i came here as fast as I could kind of news.’ he spoke so excitedly as he followed you back into the kitchen.

‘well spit it out,’ you reply while placing the sheet of cookies in the oven.

‘i found someone,’ his smile wider than ever.

you almost dropped the sheet of cookies as you took in what he said. you knew this day would come. the day he would find someone to actually love and care for. the day he no longer needed you. but still you hoped and prayed that maybe there was something there. maybe the secret touches shared between just the two of you actually meant something. that maybe he’d choose you.

he didn’t.

‘so get this. i was walking into the coffee shop on seventh street that me and you usually go to. and i bumped into this gorgeous girl and spilled her whole coffee so i offered to buy her a new one.’ he rubbed the back of his neck and looked to the floor. ‘so cheesy and cliché i know. but y/n this girl. we talked and talked and she made everything seem to….right. when I looked into her eyes i just felt…’ he sighed and leaned against the counter.

‘…like everything just seemed to make sense for once.’ you finished the sentence for him as you checked on the cookies.

‘yeah exactly’ he didn’t even try the hide his love struck expression. it was clear as day that he was really falling. ‘when i talked to her it was so easy. almost as if we knew each other for years.’

we did.

you looked him in the eyes for the first time since he broke the news and forced a smile to your face. you couldn’t even fathom the idea of ruining this for him.

‘lucas im ecstatic for you.’

‘really?’

‘of course. if there’s anyone who deserves true love and happiness in life, it’s you.’ and you meant that. it just hurts that he found it in someone else.

‘and hey. at least now you actually have someone to take to all your family functions.’

he chuckled lightly, ‘yeah you’re right. i don’t know if your cheeks could handle another one if aunt maya’s pinches.’

‘the pinches i could handle,’ you say as you forced a laugh out, ‘but I’d have to buy a gym membership if i had another dinner at your parents house.’

‘it’s not my fault mom loves insisting on third helpings’ this time he let out a full real laugh, remembering all the shared glances between the two of you at a dinner table. wondering how you could possibly eat another slice of meatloaf.

‘we can celebrate your new found love with some cookies, if you’d like. they should be done in a minute or two.’

the smile dropped slightly from his face. ‘oh y/n. i’d love to really but i promised angelina that i’d meet her again for coffee. i just stopped by the tell you the good news.’

‘of course, of course. you should get going then. a love like this comes around once in a life time.’ and who am i to stand in the way of someone living their lifetime.

lucas cast a sympathetic look before pushing himself off of the counter and embracing you once more.

‘thank you for everything y/n. seriously. you’ve helped me out so much. if you need anything let me know.’ his cologne was still so strong. and it hurt to know that someone else was going to experience it like this.

‘that’s what best friends are for lucas. you’ll be the first person i call when im sick and throwing up everywhere.’

you could feel him chuckle lightly before placing a kiss on the top of your head.

‘you got it y/n.’

the door shut, leaving you alone.

your hands shook as you took the cookies out of the oven and set the tray in the stove top. they shook as you turned it off. they shook as you took off the oven mits. they shook as you ran them down your face only to find them wet with tears. and they shook as you lowered yourself to the kitchen floor.

your hands were steady now and found their way to that playlist like muscle memory. you had long since deleted all the photos of you and him. but you just couldn’t find the strength to delete this. he had made it for you before the whole fiasco of pretending to be together had ever crossed either of your minds. he said that ‘these song remind me of us.’ and maybe you had gotten your own hopes up. maybe you had searched too deeply between the lines of lyrics. maybe you looked so hard that you had only found what you wanted to. because they were just songs. songs of bad timing and unrequited love. but at the end of the day still. just. songs.

as they played throughout the room. filling the stale silence as your body began to move, lifting you from the couch. your gaze landing on the sweater which rested on the arm of a chair. it was his. he had left it accidentally when spending the night here one time. you had meant to give it back for some time now but haven’t been able to. everytime you had gained the courage to call him and ask him over, he was busy. eventually you stopped calling. and he stopped texting. stopped checking in. so there the sweater sits. still smelling of him.

your body began to move once more reaching out for it and pulling it close to you. maybe if you breathed in enough of his scent, it’d feel like he was here with you again. of course it didn’t but it was as close you could get.

your hips swayed to the rhythm. as your feet worked their way around the living room. stepping over pillows and discarded take out. you danced for the first time in what felt like years. you felt the tears fall but paid them no mind. still clutching the article of clothing impossibly close to you, you sang along with the lyrics.

Yelling at the sky

Screaming at the world

Baby, why’d you go away?

I’m still your girl

Holding on too tight

Head up in the clouds

Heaven only knows

Where you are now

I stay up all night

Tell myself I’m alright

Baby, you’re just harder to see than most

I put the record on

Wait ‘til I hear our song

Every night I’m dancing with your ghost

Every night I’m dancing with your ghost

a/n: there it is. i was listening to this song today and got super inspired and just had to write. there’s also a reference to a hobo johnson song if you can find it ;) thanks for reading. let me know if you’d like a prequel to this when reader and lucas were together. i hope you enjoyed and pls feel free to leave constructive criticism. thanks, rai :)

[theawkwardvirgin]

It’s kinda funny, when I was younger I thought that my parents were protecting me, giving me the ‘right kind of childhood’, making sure I wasn’t forced to grow up too fast but now....now I’m 20. And I still feel like a kid. I never had that transition of more autonomy and getting used to taking care of things myself. The best way I can think to describe it is being in a sling shot and it’s moving forward but instead of moving with it you’re held back and back and back and then

BOOM

you’re shot forward and you have no idea what the hell is going on.

And like. I get that this feeling is normal. 20 years old is not the age to have your shit together, we’re like basically kids anyway but.

I wasn’t allowed to go to the mall with my friends alone as a teen. I wasn’t allowed anywhere alone. Part of that was being homeschooled and living 40 mins away from all of my friends but there was no getting dropped off somewhere for a couple hours. I got my first cell phone when I was 16/17. And then. And then my parents wonder why I have trouble making plans with friends, why I tend to just. hang out alone in my room. It’s because I never learned HOW mom! It’s because you never let me learn how!

And now I think about it and...one of the reasons I love stories with Good Dad Bruce is because I feel like I need that? I want...I want someone who can like...take over and help me with stuff and be there? And I guess it might be like partially my fault because like I don’t talk about stuff. I don’t tell my parents about this stuff. But yeah.

And then I realize that I’m getting too old for it. That I’m just going to keep getting older and older and become more of an adult and get further and further away from being able to have that. Because no matter how much of a kid I feel I am I’m NOT. I’m a legal adult, I’m almost old enough to drink, if (God forbid) something were to happen to my parents I’d just be...on my own. Not entirely ofc but you get the idea.

And then I see things like those posts about how ‘look for the helpers’ is for the kids and it’s the adults job to BE the helpers and I agree with that 100% but it also scares the shit out of me because I don’t think I can do that. I don’t think I’m ready. And I’m so used to looking being competent and not a trouble maker. I have to be good at things, I have to get good grades, I can’t cause any distress or need any help because I’m the GOOD kid, I’m the one that doesn’t need expensive medication or tutors or therapy and my parents have enough to deal with and see this is exactly what I’m talking about if, for example, I was reading a fic (bc we all know that’s where we really analyze ourselves and learn what healthy relationships are lol) where Tim was saying this I would be like NO!!! That’s not how it works!!! But I’m an adult now and I’m responsible for my own mental health and my own reactions to things but I still feel like I’m less mature than freaking high school kids and I’m fucking graduating COLLEGE next near and I need to find a real job in my field and I have no idea what to do about that and it just feels like TOO MUCH.

[my-miraculous-headcanons]

Metal Heart [TEXT VER.]

So, this was an AU that I had posted on my Twitter because I hadn’t known how to format it coherently on Tumblr. But it’s here now!

This AU was inspired when I listened to This Audio after having gone through an Astro Boy phase. I left it unfinished, but I’m pretty sure I’m going to write the story out, so you’ll find out the ending and the Ladrien plot later.

OKAY so https://maximilian-alexander.tumblr.com/post/181533777041/bassiter-something-about-us-by-daft-punk-except … this song inspired me to think up a Robot post apocalyptic AU with Marinette working in her little workshop and Chat Noir being the robot she created. A Ladrien ver. happens in the far future, after Mari grows old and dies blah blah blah

Mari makes a Chat Noir robot, but he doesn't have a built in suit or anything like that he just nakey lmao bc I want him to wear street clothes. Mari's in a post-apocalyptic world where machines have taken over and pretty much EVERYTHING is littered with trash and scrap metal.

She's lonely af and hey, turns out she's a genius with technology. (I also wanna point out this is partially inspired by Astro Boy.) She listens to that song while working on creating Chat Noir, stealthily hiding away from the outside world filled with murderous anti-human robots

Her attempt at making Chat Noir is a HUGE success, and she pretty much bawls tears of joy when he wakes up and looks around like an actual human being. He's not really a newborn, she programmed him with a healthy amount of maturity and worldly knowledge.

Chat Noir is very protective almost immediately. He's a robot in a 15 yo boy's body looking at this tiny 13 yo, lonely robotics prodigy, in a world where his kind would typically murder her at first glance. He doesn't understand it. He has human emotions. Mari's so nice.

Frankly, after two years of spending time with Marinette, he doesn't WANT to understand the other robots. He doesn't care. He thinks they're filthy and dumb. Mari's a gift, and if any of them come so much as a 50 foot radius near her he'll take his steel claws and SHRED THEM.

After those first two years of spending time together, Marinette's food supply runs short. She won't be able to make it another year with what they have. She'll be lucky if she'll make it for another month. Chat Noir runs on sunlight. He'll be fine. But... She won't.

Marinette is ready to accept her fate. She's happy her last two years on earth had been filled with childish duets, silly dancing, games, etc... She's glad she spent them with Chat Noir. He, on the other hand, is devastated. He doesn't want to be alone. He CAN'T be without her.

He starts going out frequently, scavenging for food he can find her. He rations out her food to make it last longer, even though she tells him it'll be useless. He's going mad— all the abandoned food marts etc have already been ransacked by other survivors. There's NOTHING.

He goes out farther. He travels into the danger zone, littered with machines and dead bodies. One machine catches sight of him, identifies his human-like body, and nearly destroys him. He comes back to Marinette with half the skin on his face melted off, showing the metal parts.

Despite how absolutely horrified Mari was of that incident, he keeps going out, farther and farther, destroying enemies along the way. He eventually takes out all the robots in the danger zone and is able to move past it— and he finally finds it. He finds what he's looking for.

Seeds. Plants. Soil, too. And unraided markets filled with canned foods. He stuffs as much as he can into a duffel bag he found laying around and comes back home. Marinette is surprised, and touched. She remembers back to when she used to garden with her mother. She teaches him.

Soon they have thriving plants with tomatoes, strawberries, etc. Soon they have a couple of fruit trees growing outside. Chat Noir is ecstatic. Marinette is happy, too, but she doesn't know how to tell him that this can't last. That eventually, she will die.

Be it starvation, dehydration, disease, or even being discovered by one of the machines outside, she will die. She won't make it to old age. She lets him have this moment, though.

She builds a new body for him a year later, this one a couple years older, about 17-18 years old. He loves it, he loves the fact that he'll /technically/ be able to grow with Marinette. She transfers his memories into the new body, and he takes a while trying to get used to it.

More years pass by, Chat Noir upgrades to another body, and things are comfortable. They still listen to that song Marinette was listening to when she first made him. It's her favourite. It's his favourite too, but mostly because it's hers.

Chat Noir starts finding other forms of entertainment, because Marinette is busy working on his next body and he already went on a raid for more nonperishable food. He finds an abandoned library and falls in love with science journals and, most importantly, romance novels.

His typical experience with humanity is almost solely based on Marinette. He had thought that, possibly, they were all the same. That they all were kind and fun and wonderful. Reading helped him realise that his initial presumption was mistaken.

People could be cruel. People had different quirks, and personalities, and different ways of going about certain situations. People even loved differently. There's platonic love, sibling love, parental love, and romantic love. He finds himself very interested in romantic love.

He wasn't all-knowledgable. He wasn't programmed with everything, only with the capacity to learn whatever he wished. He already knew about cuddling and hugs, at least— Marinette had mentioned that she had gone YEARS without being affectionately touched before she had made him.

Kissing was new, though. Holding hands was also new, they certainly never did that unless one of them was trying to drag the other somewhere. Sex was new, and very strange, but the way it's described in romance novels in comparison to health books made it sound intriguing.

It sounded intimate. He's surprised that there's ways to be even closer to someone than he already is with Marinette. He wonders if she'd be interested in a romantic relationship, although considering he was never programmed to know about it, he doubts it. He wishes, though.

Kissing, at least, he knew could be platonic. Pecks on the cheek, or on the forehead. He wants to do anything he could to get even closer to Marinette, to discover things about her that he didn't already know. The first time he kisses her cheek, she's surprised, but happy.

Kissing becomes a regular thing. Chat does it more and more frequently as days go by. Marinette has no idea where he learned it from, but she isn't complaining. A part of her is really happy that he chooses to do it, even though he isn't programmed to.

At some point Chat Noir is almost painfully aware that his feelings for Marinette are not at all platonic. He constantly wants to hold her, to sing to her, to cuddle her and kiss her and he fantasizes the image of her lips on his own. He's absolutely in love with her.

He has no idea what to do about it. He reads even more romance novels in hopes of some advice on how to win her heart. He makes the mistake of reading a shoujo manga. He comes back home and starts flirting with corny jokes and a fake rose and Marinette is dying of laughter

Chat Noir mopes for a long while after that attempt because he tried really hard to win her heart he DID okay, it's not his fault that Marinette obviously does not appreciate the fine art of humour and flirting

She slowly eases him out of his little self pity party by bribing him with video games. She absolutely decimates him in those games but he has to admit that he loves playing with her, especially when they work together on hard mode to defeat the computer AI.

He makes another attempt much later after reading a well-written romance novel. This one details a romantic dinner with a candle-lit atmosphere under the moonlight. He loves the idea, so he gathers up candles and fake flowers and a tablecloth. He finds two unbroken wine glasses.

He looks for a safe place on the surface where he'd be able to spot any danger at night. Marinette rarely ever ventures out in fear of being killed by a wandering machine. He doesn't want her to be scared on his romantic dinner date, so he needs to find the perfect spot.

He finds a place, a little far off but perfect. In the books he's read, it's called the Eiffel Tower. There's an apartment at the very top, and from the looks of it, it's been long abandoned. It used to be in the center of the danger zone, but Chat took care of that years ago.

It's safe and has a magnificent view. Mari would love it. He sets everything up, and even manages to find a bottle of aged wine in the luxury apartment. He also finds some music that he's never heard before, something by some guy named Jagged Stone. The ballad's his favourite.

He comes back home with a really wide grin and Marinette is super suspicious the entire time. He says that he's setting up a surprise for her and she's going to love it. She's wondering if he's read another shitty shoujo manga again and is a bit nervous.

Aaaand this is where I left off. That’s the end, folks! Sorry.

I still remember how this AU ends, which later becomes the beginning of the Ladrien version of this AU. It’s sad, but a happy kind of sad, if that makes sense? Spoiler alert— Both Chat Noir and Marinette live long, happy lives together.

Anyways, for once, I feel like this is an AU I don’t want anyone using without my input. I’ll always be in love with this AU, and I may very well write for it in the future. In fact, I have a clear vision on how I’d write both the Marichat version and the Ladrien version at the same time. It involves Adrien sobbing. Hehehe.

If you guys want the general outline on how everything turns up, and how the Ladrien spinoff fits in, just ask and I’ll make a separate post about it. I remember crying when I was daydreaming about it the first time I thought of it. It may be a tearjerker for some.