#I need to stop ranting about shit that happens in my life to my friends

[my-thirteenth-reason]

kicking my feet and giggling (<- just got apologised to)

[coco-loco-nut]

loml

pairing: max verstappen x reader

summary: a journey through your relationship with max

a/n: so for a little background... my ex (he wasn't an F1 fan, it was never gonna work, let's be real) broke up with me the night before this album was released, so writing this series has been very healing; however, this one was extremely difficult to write bc it's the only song i can't analytically listen to and find the deeper meanings yet, especially after losing your first love. sorry for the rant and making this short🙃

tw: emotional abuse, manipulation

masterlist ttpd masterlist part two

________

You and Max were fan favorites, it was evident to anyone with eyes who had eyes. But they say you never know what happens behind closed doors.

“She’s the love of my life,” Max would always say about you, looking at you like you held the universe in the palm of your hand. His fans could recite your love story by heart from how much he loved to talk about you. It only made sense that he could shatter that public opinion.

“Y/n and I have divorced, I would like to ask for privacy as we navigate the changes,” Max posted one day, his socials wiped of everything. Your accounts remained the same, your last post being from the fateful race months ago. You haven’t posted since. The fans should’ve realized when the WAGs and George unfollowed Max.

Your apartment was full of things that reminded you of Max, every time you walked in it reminded you of every memory. He was embroidered in everything. You look at a printed photo of when you first met him. Despite it being six months later, you couldn’t get rid of him.

~~~

All it took was locking eyes with him across the pier for you to fall in love on that breezy summer day. He walked up to you and asked you to join him, and you did. You kissed him at the top of the ferris wheel later that night, and you didn’t even know he was famous all you knew was that he made you feel safe. The breeze reminded you of the warm ocean breeze from that day, one you called the winds of fate.

Despite being young, you married him after a year of being together. Things weren’t perfect even then, he could be incredibly mean, but he was also a standup guy when it mattered. That erased any wrongdoing of his.

“You have made me a better man, you reformed me, the love of my life,” Max had said that fall evening, repeating the one line that brought you back to him every time.

You believed his words, his lies spun to make you believe the hell you were living in was actually heaven. When he takes his anger out at you, doesn’t defend you against his father, you start to second guess him but he calls you those four words.

“I’ll never leave you, Schatje,” Max holds you in his arms, your back against his chest as you both look at a tv in the Paddock. The fans loved that photo, calling your love legendary. They didn’t know about the growing hole in your heart.

Your marriage was looking like one of those black and white movies you and Max watch on snowy winter afternoons. You and Max had been talking about starting a family, but you couldn’t get pregnant and you were watching everything you loved slip away.

“God, Max, you are like a con-man. I feel like I’ve been sold a get-love-quick scheme. What happened to you?” you ask, voice laced with hurt, during an argument about it. Max just ignored you, pushing past to stream with some friend. He ignored the sobs coming from your bedroom. He told the chat that you are the love of his life when asked about you.

“Y/n, we need to talk,” some of the WAGs pulled you aside during a race. They told you how Max was shit talking you to other drivers, saying you were a waste of a wife for your inability to get pregnant, saying he should’ve never married you, pointing out every flaw he told you was beautiful when he was lying to your face. You stand up and leave, not saying a word even when the girls try to stop you. Max is confused but simply responds to your text saying you were sick with an okay.

You are laying in your bed sobbing when Max gets back from the race. You face the terrace, where you and Max would dance under the stars. You can see the ghosts of it through your tears, and you wished you could un-recall when you thought you had everything.

“Please get out of bed,” Max says, his concerned tone laced with venom. Maybe the ghosts of your relationship are embarrassed by the scene on the other side of the glass.

“No,” you cry, mourning the loss of your counterfeit relationship.

“I’ll be back in a few hours,” Max sighs leaving the room. You sent a text to the WAG group chat who helped you remove all your belongings from Max’s apartment into George’s apartment that he wasn’t using at the moment.

Your phone is flooded with messages from Max, so you turn it off unless you are talking to your lawyer. Max finds a divorce petition and your apartment key on the dining room table when he comes home from training a few days later. The relationship that had such a valiant roar ended with the blandest goodbye.

You sit in George’s apartment with Carmen and Lily drinking wine. You took over George’s lease after they insisted that you did.

“For someone who claims to be a lion, he sure is a manipulative coward,” Carmen says as the three of you comb through the years of lies he spun.

You took the dreams that you thought you and Max wanted and lit the match to destroy them with your divorce papers. Despite your somber eyes, you seem more at peace, even with the sadness you will carry with you until you die.

“He’s the loss of my life.”

part two

[hmhas-00]

Ch. 17

Hit Me Hard & Soft

A/N- Hii guys! I appreciate all the love! Hope you’re loving the series so far! 🤍 Next chapter will be out Thursday! Don’t forget to like and reblog, it really means the world!

Billie’s POV

“Billie!”

“Forget about it. Don’t bother trying anymore.”

“What are you saying?” I watched her continue to pace.

“You break all your fucking promises! You couldn’t even prioritize me this one time!” She shouted, her voice higher pitched than usual.

“Billie I have to take care of myself too! We’re not married! We don’t have to be attached at the hip every second of the day!” I yelled.

“That’s not-“

I cut her off, grabbing her duffle bag and tugging on it so she’ll stop. “You’re not gonna do this again! You’re not gonna disappear and stop talking to me just because I couldn’t cancel my life to be in yours!”

She yanked it back aggressively, “What difference does it make! I don’t see you unless I make the effort! Our plans don’t matter to you!”

“That’s not true! I could’ve just cancelled on you, but I made the effort so this wouldn’t happen again!” I shouted, successfully taking her bag out of her hands, causing her to stumble a bit. “Stop pushing me away!”

“Stop breaking my heart! Every time, you tell me you’re going to make time for me, then you find something more important, you break my heart!” She pulled her bag out of my grasp by the straps, pushing me backwards so I wouldn’t fight it.

My stupid high heels gave in, causing me to fall between a coffee table and the couch. She dropped the duffle, letting it fall by her feet and immediately reaching her arms out.

“Fuck. I didn’t mean to-“

I smacked her hands away, grabbing onto the side of the couch and helping myself up. “Don’t.” I glared at her.

She sighed, watching me take off my heels.

“Fine, Billie, have it your way. You want me to come see you so bad, and when I finally do, you find things to be mad at me about. I can’t do everything you want me to do whenever you want me to do it!”

“OH! So she CAN stand up for yourself?” She snaps.

For some reason this was my last straw. “You are such a fucking asshole! Nothing is ever good enough for you! Imagine if every time I needed you and you were busy with touring, or interviews, I made you feel like shit for not being here!”

I shoved her backwards a couple times as I ranted.

The expression on her face was unfamiliar, like she was looking at a stranger. She looked shocked, astounded, even. Before she could even react she stumbled back, over the duffel bag. She caught herself, avoiding a bad fall.

“You’re a bad friend! You only care about yourself!” Tears escaped my eyes as she wrapped her hands around both my wrists to stop me from continuing to shove her.

“Remy, quit.” She grasped tightly into my wrists, but the adrenaline kept me from noticing as I continued to walk us across the room. “Stop, I don’t want to hurt you!” She shouted in my face, knowing she could forcefully restrain me, but chose not to.

Her back pressed up against the wall and her hands migrated to my triceps, all in one swift motion. She held me there, looking into my eyes, not exactly scared, but perhaps beside herself.

“You need to go.” She glanced between the door and us, motioning for me to leave.

“I got tossed around at work for months, and I needed you here with me, and you were everywhere else! But did I fucking attack you for it? No! Because your job is sooo important and makes you sooo much money-“

“Yours doesn’t make you happy! You know it’s true! Look at you! Do you enjoy dressing up in short dresses for old men so they let you be part of the conversation?!” She secured me in her firm hold.

“No, dude! What the hell is this? Huh? Why are you so fucking obsessed with what I wear, and what I do at work? Why are you so up my ass about everything-“

“I don’t like what you’ve become! They’re changing you, I’m losing my best friend!” She looked me up and down, keeping a tight grip on me.

My nails dug into her arms, attempting to get them off me. “No, because you do this shit with anyone I’m interested in- Everything has to go through a quality check with you. Why are you so fucking jealous of anything at all I give my attention to!?”

“I don’t care, I was right about Stevie! It took you like five hours to figure out what I knew the second I laid eyes on her!”

“Why are you SO obsessed with Stevie? Do you, like, have some fucking crush on me, or something?!” I tore her hands off me, backing away.

She stared at me, her back still leaned against the wall. There was pain in her eyes. Silence fills the room as I pick up my clutch and step into the shoes that I’d haphazardly thrown to the side, slipping them on as best I could.

When I looked at her again, I saw her quickly glance away and wipe her eyes.

“Okay, Regina George.” She squinted her eyes at me, defensively. “I’m just trying to look out for you because I know how you are!” She shouted.

“You don’t know anything about me! Not anymore. Your world is too far detached from mine. All I do is walk on fucking eggshells around you because lately, I’m so scared to piss you off, or- or disappoint you!” I reached out my arm pointing towards her.

“What? How?!” She winced.

“You’re my best friend! You’re the last person that’s supposed to make me feel like that! I have too many people in my life that make me feel like that!” My voice was scratchy, breaking at the sight of tears coming from Billie’s eyes too. “Why cant you see that I’m trying? Why does no one see that? No one appreciates anything I fucking do!”

Her sad eyes widened, “That’s not true! I love you more than anything! I appreciate-“

I cut her off, “Then why is everything I do with my life such a fucking inconvenience to you!”

“You make me feel like the least important fucking person on the planet. If you think I’m a piece of shit friend, what the fuck does that make you?” She cried, wiping her tears away before they could fall. “You fucking promised!”

“I kept my fucking promise, Billie!” I got closer to her again.

“I was the last fucking stop of your day! I wanted to be the first!”

“What else did you want, princess?”

She screamed in my face, “Nothing! Not anymore!”

She wiped at her eyes again, smudging her eyeliner even more than it already was.

“Fine.” I fidget with the straps on my heels, bending over to see them better through my water eyes.

Finneas opened the door, scaring me a little. “Hey, everyone is waiting for you guys in the bus.” He said, poking his head in. He quickly notices Billie in tears, and the dense energy floating about the room.

“Everything… okay?” He walked in, looking at us both.

“No.” She said. “I want her to leave.”

Finneas looked between her and I, trying to figure out what had just happened. He opened his mouth to say something, but took it back, exchanging a look with Billie.

I began to walk out, but Finneas stopped me, blocking the door. “You both need to just have a talk. I think there’s-“

“No, Finneas, let her leave. It doesn’t matter anymore.”

“What doesn’t matter anymore?” Finneas asks, urgently. I glance at Billie, seeing her rub her temples to combat a couple tics.

“Any of it! This. Us.” I answer for her.

Finneas grabbed Billie’s duffle bag off the floor, noticing the footprint tracks all over it from being stepped on.

I walked out, not even bothering to limp. I didn’t even notice I had rolled my ankle when she pushed me, but the adrenaline from our explosion flowed through my body. It wasn’t until I sat in the empty lobby, calling an uber to take me to the nearest hotel I could afford, that I noticed how swollen it was.

While I waited, Finneas reappeared, wondering if I was okay. I’m sure billie caught him up because he asked me if I needed help finding a flight back home.

I shook my head, “I’ll take care of it tomorrow.” I closed my eyes, putting my face in my hands. “Probably just get a rental and drive home.”

“Well, we’ll be here until late tomorrow. You got a place to stay tonight?”

I nodded. He let me know where they’d be staying for the night and said his goodbyes, as my uber pulled up. He walked me out to it, verifying the driver was legit and I climbed in the back seat.

Finneas leaned into the car, resting his elbows into the door frame, “You know, she’s the one who asked me to come check on you… To make sure you make it out okay. She told me not to let you leave unless I make sure you’re gonna be safe.”

I stared at the seat in front of me, blinking slowly.

“Have a good night.” He tapped the top of the sedan after closing the door for me.

At the hotel, I limped out of my stupid dress, and climbed in bed. With no change of clothes, I knew I had to figure something out tomorrow. I laid there, my eyes open, staring at the ceiling. My brain so unsatisfied, revisiting things I said or did, coming up with anything that would make things different. I knew I would barely get any sleep tonight.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When the morning sun came back around, I woke up to the hotel phone ringing. “Hello?”

“Hello, I was just calling from the front desk to let you know someone is here asking for you.”

“Who is it?” I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes.

“A Maggie Baird?”

I sighed, relieved it wasn’t Billie. “Send her up, please.”

I got up and wrapped a large, white hotel robe around me, waiting for Maggie to knock on my door. Meanwhile, I checked my phone, seeing 4 missed calls from work, already knowing I’d never hear the end of it from Joe.

When she came in, she had a tote bag full of stuff. “Hey sweetheart, I brought you some clothes and shoes. Finneas told me you were limping pretty bad and Billie thinks you flew here with nothing.” She set it on my bed.

“Thanks, Maggie.”

She hugged me, rubbing my back. “Of course, honey. You know, it’s going to be okay.”

“I don’t think so, I can’t keep doing this back and forth with her. We’re just from two different worlds.”

“You two grew up in the same world, you know?” She watched me walk over to the bed, examining the clothes inside the tote.

I wondered if I should even bother explaining anything. I’m sure Billie already told her everything, and painted me out to be the bad guy.

“I know, but I think now we’re too different.”

“You guys are best friends. You don’t know how much she cares about you, Remy.” She sat next to me, pulling me into her shoulder.

“I care about her too, but clearly it’s not enough.”

“Well I want you to know that I love you dearly, and I’m always going to be here for you.” I sighed, wishing I had a mother like Maggie. I thought of all the times I needed a mom, and Maggie stepped up, making me feel like part of the family. “Don’t be a stranger, please.”

I nodded, giving her a hug. “Thank you for bringing this. You didn’t have to.”

“Of course. Let me know if you need anything else. You have a way to get home?”

“Yeah.” I lied.

“Okay, be safe, hun.” She left.

I could smell that all too familiar scent coming from the clothing in the tote. I pulled out some white sweats and a white matching sweatshirt with Japanese writing on both of them. I saw a pair of Billie’s converse for me to wear and some socks rolled up inside them. A pair of boyshorts, a sports bra, and a hair tie were at the bottom as well, making me smile because she thought of even the smallest detail. I walked over to the shower, turning the knob to its hottest setting, and waiting for it to heat up.

Once clean, I put on the clothes, and checked out of my hotel. I ubered straight to the car rental and began the trip back home.

3 hours into the road trip, I checked my phone as it buzzed constantly, realizing it’d be best to call in sick, instead of ignoring the rest of my problems. I groaned, reaching for it in the passengers seat. Sadly, the Bluetooth on this old rental did not work, and the radio stations kept repeating the same 8 songs over and over again, driving me insane. I lowered the volume to give the office a call, but my phone slipped out of my hands.

“Fuck me, bro!” I stabilized the steering wheel and leaned down into the passenger’s seat floor, trying hard to reach for my phone.

I grabbed onto the floor mat, pulling it towards me in hopes my phone would be within reach. I heard someone on the opposite side of the highway honk their horn at my swerving, causing me to sit back up and look at the road ahead.

“Fuck.” I whispered to myself. I tried one more time, touching it with my fingertips and using my nails to get it closer.

“Ha!” I grabbed it, immediately swerving back into my lane. I began typing, letting Joe know I was sick but would be back in tomorrow.

As I hit send, everything went completely black.

[sonotkari]

Meaningless

Hanni Pham x Fem reader

[ Synopsis ]

When, Where, and How did you and Hanni become so close? What was the start of the yapping duo's relationship?

Fluff

[ Word Count ]

1.6k

[ a/n ]

I'm struggling with my other fics so in the meantime I'm dropping this off to feed my children (I'm sorry I just need MORE TIME) This was just something I wrote without my two brain cells actually functioning so heads up for that info! /ᐠ｡ꞈ｡ᐟ\

My dearest and my loved ones dis for u bae <3

Somewhere in your mind, you'd wonder how everything started but never recall the moment. Maybe it was that one time way back in March when she sent you a picture of pudding flavor ice cream because apparently, it reminded her of you. Or maybe it was when you ranted about how you had volleyball practice almost every day with no breaks making you lose your shit soon. The question of how you became so close with Hanni had come up in your mind from time to time but it would always end up with no answer. It's really not that big of a deal, where an answer was needed asap, no, it was like those shower thoughts or maybe those random questions coming up in your head at 3 am while listening to music on your headphones, something like that. Regardless, whatever or however the conversation started, you were very grateful for it because now you have someone on your side who would listen to your random yappings whether it was about that hallway crush or that annoying History teacher who mostly talks about his life rather than teaching the class. 

The memory recalls when that one time she asked about your MBTI which was trending off at that time for who knows why. You did it once before it became popular and didn't think much of it since you never really understood a thing. You just did it anyway because TikTok told you so. So why not? But to think of it now, you made a good life choice of taking a 15-minute survey with just two of your brain cells working. Because now you both were texting each other nonstop knowing you were matching MBTI's with her. "I knew it. You sound like an INFP" "What's that even supposed to mean" And in the very end, Hanni fell asleep in the middle of texting, debating whether fairies are real or not. 

Most of the time the text messages and everything else were random. Except for that one time when she got into a (not so) fight with her best friend, giving her the cold shoulder. It was about something that triggered her which made her feel uneasy. You remember clearly how Hanni had asked you to come to school earlier than you usually did because she wanted company. And how she confessed she wanted to get things back to how it used to be with her best friend while crying on your shoulder in the bathroom. Encouraging her to speak her feelings to her best friend, after some days she was smiling excitedly rushing her way to you, grabbing your arms, saying she finally "did it" telling her best friend how she felt, and now they're back on track. 

In class, she would be seated beside you and always giggle about small little things making you hold on for your dear life to not suddenly burst out laughing in the middle of the session because, for some reason, you were so easily affected by her. Her smile makes you smile, her laugh makes you laugh, and her cheeky grin addressed to you makes you roll your eyes and look at her in a sidelong look with a small smirk on your lips. Others would point out or look at you both with dumbfounded expressions because you both wouldn't stop giggling every 5 minutes and everyone in class already knew whose voices the giggles belonged to because of how frequently it would happen. 

It was before summer break had started and you were ranting at Hanni about how you won't be seeing each other once the break starts. "You'll miss me, right?" became a habit of yours to say in your everyday convos, and her replying with a "Will I tho?" made you smack the girl's arm as a set, and that also became another one of your (bad?) habits. You wanted to squeal and jump around hearing her respond "Of course" to your ask if you could randomly call her because of how you'd probably miss her a lot and feel sad out of the blue due to the lack of her presence. Talking on a call wasn't your thing because you only have two brain cells that don't function well and you left your vocabulary somewhere making you end up in a stuttering mess but, you'd rather be a stuttering mess to Hanni than spend 2 months without hearing her voice. 

One memory from another, you recall another happy moment with her. She was in the cheerleading team and you promised you'd see her cheer on the day of the game but sadly you got a high fever the night before and had to inform her you couldn't get to see her first cheer on her first game. You couldn't help but think about the disappointment in the girl's face especially when she was eager for you to come and watch. The temperature got a bit better the next day and you were debating to yourself. Yes, your head was panging in pain, yes your body was a bit hot, and yes you feel numb moving and basically doing anything. But will it be worth it to bear everything just so you could see Hanni's surprised happy expression when you go and watch her? Oh yes. You know damn well everything's worth it when it's about Hanni. 

There you were in a rushing mess, running around your room while trying to get dressed, finding the other lost pair of socks while holding a cooling gel sheet for your forehead in your hand. Running wasn't good for you since it'll make your temperature go high again but all the rushed efforts will go to waste if you missed it. Is there any other choice? Of course not, silly. By the time you got to the gates of the school, all you could hear was the rhythmical beat of your heart with your panting, trying to calm yourself before you entered the gym. Of course, she was the one who noticed you first. There it was. The face. The expression. The dimples that would show every time she smiled. Excitedly rushing to you and showering you with questions about your fever state. "Weren't you not feeling well? What are you doing here― are you okay? Are you about to pass out?" "I just couldn't miss your cheer. I for sure would've regretted it if I stayed home" Your (maybe not so bad) habit had definitely influenced her as you felt a gentle smack on your arm along with a soft giggle from the girl.

The leaves began to lose their vibrant colors, crisping up and slowly falling down with the cold breeze flowing by in November. You asked Hanni to go out and hang out in this cafe your friend told you that had the best pudding in town, which she happily agreed to, and now both of you were walking in circles at the same place lost. Having no sense of direction and the Google map not being useful at all, you decided to give up going to the place. But someone doesn't seem to be happy about it. "What do you mean, let's go to a different shop?" "No, it's fine we can just go in another time. Besides it's cold and you're not very good with the cold" You looked at the flushed red tip of Hanni's ears and nose as you mumbled. "I'm not giving up. You were so excited about the pudding, so we're going to eat that goddamn pudding" And now you were walking again with Hanni by your side but this time, you were holding hands to "keep me warm if you're that worried" 

"What are you smiling so giddily about?" You snap out of the memories and look at the girl looking at you with concerned looks. "You look creepy to be honest babe..." "Oh shut up" Replying with a playful snicker you stood up from your seat and walked your way to your girlfriend hugging her from the side, resting your chin on her shoulder. "Hey, do you remember how we became friends?" Shifting your gaze to her, slightly tilting your head as you asked so. "Uhh... I don't... think so..." She now looked at you with a puzzled look. "I think we just went with the flow" "Haha, wow I went with the flow and got a girlfriend? Must be a mastermind then" Smackng your arm, Hanni outed a chuckle. "Hey, remember when I used to smack you like that a lot but now we switched positions" "Oh I'm definitely influenced by you. Bad and good" You mocked an offended expression, holding your chest dramatically. "What's that supposed to mean...!?" Hanni laughed again and went back to making her coffee. "I definitely remember that one time you came to see me cheer with a fever" It was your turn to out a chuckle hearing her recall the memory. "Hey how about that one time we went out but then got lost midway?" "Yeah, and you insisted on finding the place, even making excuses to hold my hand" "Aaahhh shush! Shut up! I was 16 leave me alone!!" Hanni sheepishly laughed which made you laugh again as well. 

"We had meaningless conversations all the time, talking about random stuff" Sighing softly as you linger your thoughts about your past friendship with Hanni. "What do you mean, meaningless?" Hanni was now stirring her coffee, blowing it occasionally as she fixed her gaze at you. "All the conversations we had, meant everything to me" She took a sip of her coffee along with a sigh and stared at you again. You could feel the affection from her gaze and can't help but feel your chest get warmer every second with the small smile and the little dimples on her cheeks showing.

Every moment we spent together means more than anything to me than you'll ever know. 

Hanni secretly, quietly thought to her mind, while smiling at the woman she loved most.

yappers falling inlove r so cute

[genderqueerdykes]

afab nb-transmasc who’s still struggling to find their label - this ask is about my experience on tumblr over the past decade so if you can’t tolerate someone voicing an experience you don’t relate to, skip this post:

i hate hate hate this site sometimes cause i’ve had to unfollow so many trans fems, some who i’ve been following for actual years, who have had some kinda personality flip over night to become a trans-masc-hate-account?

like i really hoped it was just a post here-or-there out of anger or something happening to them in their personal lives but it started taking over my entire dash for a few months and i just started feeling so revolted within myself and debating if i really could consider myself trans masc even though i’m almost 30 (still closeted) and the signs have been there my whole life.

i’ve always tried to uplift the voices of my trans fem friends, irl and online, but it’s gotten to a point where i’ve blocked or unfollowed about half of the main accounts that used to show up on my dash cause i’m just sick of constantly reading how “trans man do x” or “trans men do y” and it’s like, when did we stop posting resources that helped each other and just started bitching about each other as a population instead? when did we decided *other trans people* were the ones who needed fighting here? and more than that when did we decide to stop educating our younger trans friends when they do shit like this? because there’s a clear and definitive lack of trans people fighting against this kind of behaviour as well - masc, fem or other.

sorry i really did just come here to rant but i’m hoping others will see this and understand that something has to change, the last thing ANY trans person needs is more people to fight.

hey that's okay, your experience deserves to be heard. thanks for taking the time to reach out and share. you shouldn't have to feel this way. i'm sorry you're going through this, but you're not alone. i've heard from others who have had to do the same, as well. this is not an isolated experience unfortunately, it is pretty common at the moment

when did we stop posting resources that helped each other and just started bitching about each other as a population instead?

this is a question that's been lingering in my mind, too. i've noticed this as well. like it's so hard to find posts talking about which binders are cheap and reputable, where to get breast inserts, how to figure out what size bra you need, how to get on HRT, how to find surgeons, how to learn how to shave different areas, where to find & how to use packers and STP devices, how to learn how to apply makeup, vocal training, etc. and now it's more about who is oppressed more or who is more miserable or who has the right to talk and who needs to shut up.

like it kinda came on rather suddenly within the past decade. there was always fighting but at least you'd see posts circulating talking about how to tuck and bind in safe and healthy ways, how to deal with the changes HRT brings, tips on how to pass more easily for safety, guides, other communities and so on circulating, playful banter, and so on. now there's very, very little of that and it's mostly very serious albeit uneducated discussion that revolves around everyone but a small handful of people needing to be quiet and not talk about their own experiences. like that's just outright hostility

it's a mixed bag when it comes to following anyone on here at this point. regardless of gender. i see people get charged up over this no matter what their gender or identity is, however i totally get why you feel like that because others have felt the same way. it just kinda started becoming the norm. like for some reason it's now the norm for transfems to be encouraged to take out their frustration with white cishet male patriarchy on trans men and squabble and argue with one another and with trans men rather than take up serious concerns with cishet men in power. it's exhausting it doesn't accomplish anything. i really wish we'd focus on tackling transmisogyny and not shutting trans people up

many of my other transfem friends have told me there's an attitude in transfem spaces both in person and online where trans joy shouldn't be the focus because of how poorly we're treated. trans joy is "old", i've heard people say, and that trans rage is what's needed right now. if you ask me, that's a slap in the face to the trans women who have been fighting for our collective trans rights for decades. you think they didn't have trans rage driving their desperate fight for freedom? of course they did. but you and i both know they took every moment they could to experience trans joy, too. you can't do that

i have been telling my queer therapist about what's going on right now and she told me that some people are genuinely emotionally attached to their pain to the point where it becomes a part of themselves. and yeah, i see that. that seems to be what's going on, here. some people are so hurt that unfortunately that's all they know and can see and therefore, think that's all there is to life. but it's really not. i've been hurt a lot by life too but i'm just so tired of being in pain. it's not who i am it's just something i experience. as someone who is physically and mentally disabled, putting more pain on my plate isn't something i'm exactly chomping at the bit to do

we can acknowledge we are hurt without making it a competition. it does not have to be about who has it "worse". there's something i want to point out here, is that this attitude is very unhealthy because in mental health spaces, it is never encouraged to try to insinuate if one type of trauma is wholesale "worse" or somehow less bad than others. that's behavior that is not considered acceptable when we are approaching mental health care from a compassionate standpoint that encourages healing when and where wanted and needed.

so why are we acting like it's suddenly okay? like genuine, serious question here. i've been in psychotherapy for 10 years this year, and i've been working with my current therapist since 2022. i've taken a lot of what i've learned over the years seriously and time and time again i've heard that it's just never okay for someone to act like one type of abuse is inherently worse than any other, because it depends on the context of each case. you can't make blanket statements like that. sometimes verbal abuse can be worse than sexual abuse depending on the context for that specific case. it really just depends on what's going on for each individual person. but even so, it's hard to quantify "worse" because it's such a nebulous concept.

all forms of trauma and abuse are taken seriously when it comes to helping someone in a mental healthcare setting. why are we making an exception here? we have a lot of people who don't have any background in researching mental health and psychology telling strangers they've never met that they suddenly know more than the general population on how trauma affects other people because... they said so. that's just not how trauma works. trauma isn't going to inherently manifest itself in a less severe form in transmascs and trans men just because society also hates trans women. that's not how that works.

this is ridiculous and it's antithetical to healing, growing & thriving. to me, this smacks of people wanting to keep others trapped in their pain, because some people refuse to move past theirs. some people find advantage in remaining a victim perpetually. it provides them a constant stream of support and pity, but it requires warping the narrative, constantly shifting goalposts, and holding other people back. some people it's the crab (bucket) mentality.

how are you ever going to thrive if you're obsessed with hatred, and with your own pain? it just makes no sense to me. we have to stop being so cruel to ourselves and one another. this isn't helping anyone. it's holding everyone back. it's making everyone miserable.

[wynnyfryd]

Trailer park Steve AU pt 56

part 1 | part 55 | ao3

March

"Steve, honey," Claudia calls from the living room, where he can hear her shuffling around to get her things ready for work — the rustle of a jacket, the clink of keys against her thermos. "Do you need anything before you go?"

"I'm fine, Ma!" Steve answers.

And he is. He is fine. It’s been three weeks, and Steve is fine! He has a date tonight with a girl he doesn’t care about, and he's gonna cheer on Lucas at the championship game, and the other day at work he got a fifty cent per hour raise. And sure, his nightmares are worse than ever and his head aches all the time, and he’s had some weirdly persistent sinus infection or some shit going on, but he only teared up once this week while jerking off to thoughts of Eddie, so.

All in all, not bad.

He shoves a plain bagel in his mouth and rushes to leave the house; passes Claudia on the way out, who's now rapping her knuckles impatiently against Dustin’s door and asking, “Dusty, what’s going on in there? You’re gonna be late!" to which Dustin replies with a panicked shriek: “DON’T COME IN, I’M NAKED!”

Jesus Christ. "Deafen my other ear, why don't you?" Steve mutters under his breath.

He throws Ma a parting wave and heads out to pick up Robin so he can take her to school before his shift starts. She looks nicer than usual, and she won’t stop reapplying her mascara, and by the time Object of My Desire starts playing on the radio Steve is practically begging her to just suck it up and end this will-they-won’t-they thing with Vickie because it’s been months of obvious flirting and Robin still won’t make a move.

“I listen to you, and now look at me!” he argues, as if the handful of pointless dates he’s used to distract himself from Eddie are anything to look at. “Boom. Back in business.“

“Mm,” she objects, a little ‘you’re so full of shit’ frown on her face. “Not the same thing.”

Don’t say it, you bitch, don’t even—

“You ask out a girl and she says no…”

Oh, thank fuck. Steve sags in relief and licks the corner of his mouth as he listens to her rant, grateful that she’s just working the small town homophobia angle and very graciously not pointing out how half-hearted and sad his attempts to move on with his life have been. It’s a small mercy he repays by rambling about girls and boobies and girls who definitely like boobies until she scowls so hard at him that she smudges her mascara and has to apply another coat.

—

Dustin calls the store some time around lunch. Asks if Steve wants to sub in for Lucas at tonight’s Hellfire campaign, which, first of all, fuck you — he’s been helping Lucas practice for months now, he’s not about to miss this game — and secondly:

“What, to hang out with you and Eddie the Freak Munson?” he asks, idly playing with a slinky. “Uh, yeah. I’ll pass.”

"Dude."

"What?"

"You can’t just call him names because you’re pissed at him! That’s not cool!”

Steve rolls his eyes and tugs the slinky so hard it flops off the counter’s edge.

“Look,” Dustin says, his voice dipping into that low and slow and trustworthy thing that makes Steve want to snap the kid’s non-existent collarbones. “I know you won’t tell me what happened, but whatever it was, he’s sorry, okay? He’s really, really sorry. And he asks me about you, like, every day; if I didn’t know any better I’d swear he was in love with you or something.” Steve chokes on his own spit, and Dustin just keeps going; steps right over Steve’s corpse to continue his impassioned plea. “Besides, friends forgive each other! Right, Steve?”

Goddammit. Steve really regrets saying those exact words in that exact order the last time Lucas and Dustin had a fight. “Man, you can’t just use my own brotherly advice against me.”

“I can, and I will.” Wow. What a little shit. “Seriously, dude, come on! How many times do I have to pass on his apology messages before you just talk to him?”

How many times? How many times?

Steve doesn’t know.

He just knows he’s not ready; knows that as soon as he talks to Eddie, it’ll make it all real. It’ll be over for good. Whatever words they exchange next will get etched into the headstone of the thing they briefly had. He opens his mouth to say something, to try and make sense of the vortex in his head, but all he gets for the effort is a fresh migraine coming on.

He’s saved from answering by the doorbell’s chime. “I got some customers,” he says over Dustin's squawk of protest. “Gotta call you back, bye.”

—

part 57

tag list in separate reblogs under '#trailer park steve au taglist' if you'd like to filter that content. if you want to be added please comment and let me know (must be over 21; please either verify in the comment or have your age visible on your blog)

[urauntiefaye]

looking through your masterlist and saw that thought about fwb yuma and uhmm...can we get more of that 🙏🙏 a work about it or just more of your thoughts please and thank you <3

FWB Yuma Pt2 (More detailed)🔞

WC: 1212 

TW: Sex, literal friends with benefits, jealous Yuma?, I don’t go in detail about y/n body that much, mentions of squirting. Cussing by me, I think that's all, let me know if I missed anything

A/N: I’m not going to lie, I had to go back to see what I wrote. If I’m not wrong I think you’re talking about this little dabble I did for Yuma. 

---

To go more into detail about what I wrote I actually had a whole ass scenario about when I was in my Yuma hard hours (I still am, it never left me, I bias Nicholas, but Yuma always be catching my attention as my designated bias wrecker). The whole idea I had was essentially this. 

You and Yuma started off as close friends bordering best friends; but never actually dated. But being friends with each other always made personal relationships hard. This is because both of your respected partners would grow jealous of the other with how close you two were. Most would either break up with you, or try and get you to stop talking to the other. When the latter would happen Yuma would probably laugh and brush it off because there’s no way he’s cutting his best friend off. Plus even if he did cut you off he’ll still see your ass at family gatherings because his family has grown very fond of you.

If you however did try to cut him off best bet your organs on the black market that he will come breaking down your door because what the actual fuck bestie. 

NOW, when you two are single it would still be pretty hard to get into a relationship considering not most people want to date someone who's THAT close to their friend. 

This would actually be the start to you two entering that friends with benefits situation. 

Like hear me out here bro. 

Now after meeting up with a possible match from a dating app. Not only was the date going horrible as your date was ridiculously rude to the minimum wage worker at the cafe you went to. But they also judged you for your interest and apperance. 

Immediately going over to Yumas annoyed(and possibly even sexually frustrated from not having sex in literally months to almost a year). You would just barge in, normally expecting his family to be there but today they all had their own individual things to do. 

Yuma would be down in the living room sitting on the floor with his back against the couch playing video games. 

You would groan dramatically while throwing yourself on the couch. Yuma being the oh so caring yet chill dude he was would tease you saying shit like “went terrible huh? Told you so~”. Him saying that would lead to a pillow in his face. 

He would pause his game and turn around to look at you, resting his head on his hand as he was also really close to your face. 

You would then rant about how you hate being single, but it’s not even wanting a relationship, it's you needing sex. 

Now as you two were besties, talks like this were not rare. You both often talk about your sex life like it was an everyday conversation to have. I imagine him listening to you intently as he studied your features, his hand reaching to play with the strands of your hair. 

It would be then Yuma spoke up “why don’t we do it?”. 

Confused as FUCK because your best friend did not just fucking say that. He would just shrug his shoulders when you questioned him. Saying something along the lines of “we’re both single and can’t find someone, plus it won’t be a big deal unless you make it a big deal”. 

With careful hesitation you would eventually agree. 

And that was how his lips ended up on yours, both tearing at each other's clothes as he took you right there. 

Both never having sex that felt this fucking amazing before instantly got addicted. Just the way Yuma would nibble at your skin, his hands groping each and every part of you. The way his hips never let up on yours even when you would ride him. Not to mention his oral game. You swear you never thought you could squirt like that, THAT many times. 

The relationship would carry on for a while. It was just originally a chill type of thing. Neither of you having an issue if you went out and had sex with someone else as you weren’t really dating.  

But the moment that you started to talk about this one guy you met at your work a little too much Yuma would start to feel weird. He had no idea what it was. But whenever you brought up your coworkers name and would start to ‘fangirl’ over him, Yumas heart would start to feel tight, suddenly having the urge to grab your phone and fuck you right there and then to make you forget your coworker and only think of him. 

And it would work, don't get me wrong, but after a couple hours you would go right back to thinking and talking about that coworker. 

Literally Yuma would be so confused why he feels the way he does, and why whenever he sees you with your coworker why he then feels the need to wrap his arm around you waist and he just can’t seem to stop fucking glaring at him. 

I feel like Yuma is the type to say sly shit to your crush too, or try to one up them if that makes sense?. Literally the type to go “oh, you bought them that? Too bad they don't like it considering they prefer this…guess that’s only knowledge I would have though huh?” AND HE WOULD SAY IT WHILE SMIRKING TOO BITCH. 

Alas though, Yuma won’t finally snap until you tell him that your coworker had asked you out on a date. Poor Yuma would be confused because why do you need a guy like that? And why does he care so much what you do?. 

He won’t say anything but he would initiate sex with you before you go, it would start out as the usual rough and animalist style but would turn into him actually making love to you while he held you so close to him in a way that made you both feel if he let you go you would disappear forever. He wouldn’t say anything though not like he usually does, only words you’ll hear him say is “mine” and “please” as if he was praying or begging for something. 

Afterwards he still wouldn’t let you go, clinging to you and nuzzling his face in the crook of your neck as he laid on top of you. 

You would play with his hair, concern taking over you as you asked him what was wrong. But what you didn’t expect was to have him pull you even closer. Lifting his upper body up supporting himself on his arms. He would grab your chin, his thumb lightly tracing your bottom lips. Never seeing him this serious made you even more worried. About to ask him again but he cuts you off. His lips crashing into yours, but not in the rough way he usually does. This time slowly, feeling both your lips mold into each other as he took his time. 

When he would finally pull apart all he would say would be “your mine”. 

No other words needing to be said as you understood 100%

Literally the whole thing being like “yeah…yeah nuff said, i agree”. 

[kyoshithewriter]

Millennium.

Part eight: Shh..

Warnings: mature themes (18+)

A/n: And I decided to stop being fake woke and just release this chapter because I had it ready lol. The next update definitely won’t be as quick because chapter 9 is still incomplete. Enjoy.

“So this entire time, I was knocked up, kidnapped and confused, he didn’t come get me because he has been busy getting his dick wet?!” Aleena will blame the sudden surge of emotions on her pregnancy.

“Not quite, we found where they were keeping you two weeks after you were taken. Problem was, they had the entire compound surrounded with those little whatever they are that interfere with our speed.” Christian mutters with a frown on seamless face. “We couldn’t take the risk especially when they have weapons that we’re vulnerable to. So we took turns on surveillance; we heard about their plan to move you to a different facility so we took advantage of that. I’m sorry we couldn’t act sooner.”

And Christian really does sound apologetic but it’s not enough. She’s not mad at him- he’s a stranger, so his apology doesn’t mean shit to her. She wants one from the man who changed the trajectory of her life forever and seems to not give a fuck about it.

“I need a nap.” She mutters instead, looking away from Christian’s pitiful face. His shoulders slump, picking up easily on her soured mood.

“Okay.”

********************

Aleena wakes in the middle of the night to harsh, hushed whispers in the hallway. She stretches lazily in the comfortable king size bed, before quietly standing on the tip of her toes on the plush brown rug. The room is large and only contains a bed and a walk in closet. There’s an oval mirror hung on the dark green walls along with two landscape paintings. There’s something so comforting about the space, maybe it’s the colour it’s painted in, the exact shade that reminds her of a rainforest.

“You owe her an apology at least.” The voice obviously belonging to Christian pierces through the quiet house.

“Why? I warned her from the beginning what could happen but she still-”

“Don’t use that card with me, Jude. I remember every single rant about how much you can’t seem to stay away from her. You’ve been watching that poor woman for months!”

“Why are you so defensive of her? She’s a stranger to you.” They descend into silence for a minute.

“You feel it too, don’t you?” Jude asks in an accusatory tone. Christian sighs heavily.

“I do, surprisingly. I always thought men were it for me but with her, I want to…” he trails off for a few seconds and Aleena almost gasps. She knew she felt something when they touched.

“But it’s not uncontrollable at all. I already have a soft spot for her and she’s also with child, so you can stop glaring at me now. Like you have the right with the way you’ve been acting. How’s Samantha by the way?” Christian mutters coldly.

“Samantha is good.” Jude responds nonchalantly. Aleena wants to throw up.

“I can’t say I’m not disappointed in you, Jude. You’ve put that woman through hell and this is how you act? I understand your reasons for not pursuing relationships but when a child is involved I expect you to do better.”

Jude chuckles bitterly; “Why are you talking to me about that child as if it’s mine?”

And Aleena has heard enough. She stomps towards the bedroom door, flinging it open. She’s momentarily pinned to her spot by the two pairs of gold rimmed eyes glowing in the dimly lit hallway but the ire that’s burning hot in her belly breaks her out of it quickly.

“You have some fucking nerve!-”

“Aleena dear, you should be resting.” Christian interrupts her with concern coloring his features. It could have something to do with the backaches she was complaining about earlier after he made her a quick dinner of alfredo pasta.

“No! Fuck him, Christian! You have no idea how they treated me there. Hours of bloodwork and testing like I’m some fucking rodent! Locked away without having any sort of contact with my family or friends! All because you did this to me! And now you have the nerve to stand here and say this after leaving me at those monsters’ mercy for months! While you run around here with whoever the fuck! Then wouldn’t even the decency to ask how I am! To look at me! To touch me!” Aleena breaks down in sudden full bodied sobs; it takes even her by surprise.

“And if you had then you would’ve known that the baby I’m carrying is yours you fucking asshole!”

She falls into Christian’s embrace, quietly sobbing as he gently whispers comforting words in her ear. He turns to lead her back into the room. Aleena looks up at Jude as she’s led away to see him frozen, eyes wide and mouth gaping.

******************

“I had planned to get an abortion you know.” She keeps her voice low to not scare the deer grazing close by. Christian had decided to take her for a walk after breakfast this morning. Jude was nowhere to be seen and that didn’t surprise her a bit. It didn’t make it any less disappointing though and Christian to noticed. So here they sit; after minutes of wandering around the countryside, picking wild apricots and bird watching, they decided to take a break by the river. The grass is lush and green beneath her body, the sound of running water comforting.

“I’m assuming they captured you before you could.”

“Yes.” She keeps her eyes on the tiny deer and for the first time she really thinks about the child in her belly. I hope they have the biggest, doe eyes.

“We should book you an appointment with a doctor.”

“Is that even safe? Are “millennial” pregnancies the same? What if they find something weird in my blood work? Or on the ultrasound?” Her voice pitches higher as panic begins to creep in.

“I can’t tell you. It’s frustrating how little we know about ourselves.” Christian huffs to her side.

“It’s so unfair, because I’m sure the government or whoever the fuck has a lot of information that you can’t get our hands on.” She mutters, picking at blades of grass.

“Unless we decide to take it.”

Even the very wind seems to pause; the swaying of the leaves and grass halt. Almost as if even nature recognizes the gravity of Christian’s words.

“As in…” Aleena trails off keeping eye contact with him.

“Yes. We find one of their facilities and take what we can. My childhood was no different from the other children around me, I think. But I also can’t say for sure if my parents knew something and just wanted to keep me sheltered.” He pauses to take a small nibble from the bottom of a bright yellow apricot. “But we need you and the baby to be safe and we can’t do that if we know nothing about all of this.”

Aleena agrees. It’s going to be dangerous but they can’t risk remaining in ignorance.

“Um, one of the men told me that I have some sort of rare genetic make up and that’s why Jude was able to… he mentioned something about that possibly being the cause for him being so drawn to me.” Us being so drawn to each other but she leaves that part out.

“That would make sense because I am too. I imagine it would be more intense perhaps if you weren’t pregnant.”

She doesn’t know how to respond so she doesn’t. It’s a lot to take in. Silence envelopes them for a few minutes.

“Wait, I wonder if… you know how Jude said you look so much like an old friend of ours? I wonder if that has something to do with this?” Christian has a far away look in his eyes, clearly deep in thought.

“What do you mean?”

“After being alive for so long, it’s not uncommon to see faces in recent times that are a bit similar to some I’ve seen before; I always just figured they might be descendants. What if you are a descendant of Japheth? And what if, instinctually, somehow we just knew? And that’s why we were compelled to befriend her? I could be waffling but..”

Aleena shivers because it does not sound far- fetched at all.

“Did you meet any of her children?”

“No. Jude and I moved away a decade after we met her; she hadn’t had her first child yet. We would drop by briefly every other year or so but we had a rendezvous, we couldn’t risk anyone seeing us and asking questions. The last time we saw her she could barely stand and we knew that would be the last. Maybe we should’ve at least protected her children and their family, I don’t know, but it was too painful to go back there.”

“I understand, and I think she would’ve too.” She reaches over to give his shoulder a comforting squeeze.

“That’s a lovely thought, thank you. But we seriously need to gather all the information we can. We need a plan.”

The steely look of determination on his face is infectious.

“Let’s do it.”

****************

The bed feels so much bigger tonight. Empty. The sides of her belly ache and her breasts are tender. She’s miserable and feeling a little bit lonely. So much so that it brings tears to her eyes. She lies in the dark, tears silently streaming down her cheeks. She cries until her eyes are swollen and heavy. Aleena is on the verge of drifting into sleep when she feels it. Her skin prickles, goosebumps dancing along her arms. She didn’t hear the door open but she knows he’s in the room. She remains frozen in place, holding her breath. Waiting for his next move. She tries her best to keep her breathing steady, feigning sleep. The bed dips gently behind her and for a moment he hesitates. She sees the moment his hand hovers in her peripheral vision and immediately knows what he intends to do.

“Don’t touch me.” Her voice cracks with the harsh command she whispers.

“Aleena, please. I need to. It’s like it-” he cuts himself off with a frustrated huff. “It physically hurts-”

“I don’t care, Jude. You’re a fucking asshole; I’m glad it hurts. I want you to suffer.”

“I didn’t know this was even possible; I just assumed you found someone else and I…”

“You what?”

“I was serious about not pursuing relationships. With my condition it’s setting myself up for heartbreak after heartbreak. I wish some parts of vampire lore were true; I wish I could change people to be like me. But I can’t. But you- it physically pains me to be away from you. So I tried to force you out- I tried getting myself drunk even though I knew it wouldn’t work, I’ve been sleeping around- something I haven’t done in almost a century. But I can’t stop…”

Aleena sucks in a harsh breath. She’s sure it has to do something with what Tim said.

“And now that I know that you’re- you’re having my baby it’s so much worse. I ran away like the coward I am after I heard but I was just so frightened and ashamed. I won’t even insult you by offering an apology, but know I’ll start showing you, every single day if you’ll let me, how much I regret the pain I caused and my unending appreciation for…”

He sucks in a sharp breath as he gently, cautiously places the hovering hand against the small bump of her belly. She lets him. The touch immediately alleviating the cramps.

“Thank you.” He sighs in relief, shifting closer to cuddle her against the soft material of his silk shirt.

“Don’t thank me, I’m only allowing it because it eases my discomfort. I still fucking hate you.” She mutters.

“I understand.”

They stay in that position in silence. Jude rubs her belly tenderly until she falls asleep.

***************

“We need to get to New York without drawing too much attention to ourselves.” Christian says from his seated position opposite of her.

“You could start by not looking like you stepped straight out of a renaissance painting.” Aleena mutters absentmindedly as she nibbles on pickled radishes. The vegetable recently became one of her cravings. She pretends to not feel the way Jude is staring at her from his position beside Christian. He has been following her around like a lost puppy all morning; she’s still ignoring him but that doesn’t seems to matter to him at all.

“Hm, you’re right. Besides, we need to shop for some maternity clothing for you as well.”

“Aleena should stay here.” Jude mutters gruffly.

“What? No way!”

“I agree, dear. It’s safer if you stay behind.”

Aleena’s phone interrupts the heated conversation that was about to ensue from their words.

“Selena?”

“Afraid not, I’m assuming you’re Aleena, yes?” The masculine voice makes her pause.

“Who is this?”

“Let’s just say I’m a good friend of Cameron and Michael.”

“Who?” The names don’t ring a bell at all. The man on the other end of the line chuckles.

“I’m sorry, I’m guessing they told you their names were Tim and Tom, a pair of goofballs they were.”

Aleena’s heart stutters in her chest. Fuck.

“There we go, you know who I’m talking about now. Well, Aleena, I don’t appreciate how you left so abruptly. I especially didn’t appreciate how your immortal lover slaughtered my friends like they were nothing more than farm animals. I don’t have to explain what will happen to your family if you don’t come to the address I’ll be sending you at the end of this call. Oh! And come alone, obviously.” The man ends the call and Aleena shivers from head to foot. She’s so selfish and stupid. She didn’t even consider their safety for a second because she felt far removed from the problem.

“Aleena?” Jude is by her side before she can blink. He gently holds onto the crook of her elbow.

“I have to go to New York.”

*****************

She’s being followed. Aleena can feel it; the man on the phone had given her a specific address to meet him at, but she could feel eyes on her from the minute she got off her flight in New York. Even now, in the cab, she’s aware of the black, armored jeep that has been tailing the taxi the minute she got in. The car pulls up at an abandoned warehouse. The driver shoots her a skeptical look in the overhead mirror.

“Are you sure this is the correct address?” He asks with a thick accent she can’t quite place.

“Uh, yes. Don’t worry.” She forces a small smile before stepping out of the car. The man hastily makes a u-turn and speeds away like he’s afraid of witnessing something he shouldn’t. Smart.

Aleena cuddles further into one of Jude’s many coats as snowflakes flutter around her; partly for more warmth but mostly for the comfort his scent brings her.

“There she is.” A man suddenly steps out the entrance of the warehouse. He’s tall- about 6’3, with a bald head, a full beard and rich, dark brown skin. He’s wearing an all black suit under a black coat.

“You are alone like we agreed, yes?”

“Yes.” She responds curtly.

“No need for aggression, Ms. Aleena. I won’t hurt you or your family.”

“You just want to take my baby away from me to torture them like you did Jude for your own selfish disgusting reasons.” She hisses at him.

“Precisely.” The man responds smoothly with a sinister smile.

“You’ll burn in hell.”

“I guess so, but until then, I have places to be. Come, Aleena. Your mom and sisters are waiting.”

****************

Aleena is handcuffed and transported to a facility in the back of the very armored jeep that she spotted tailing her earlier. The building is huge but seems to be in a remote area. She’s escorted to the entrance of the building where she’s stripped of the coat and thoroughly searched before being led through some automatic glass doors. Her shoes squeak along the clean, white marble floors and their footsteps echo through the huge space. The ceiling is so high and seems to be in the shape of a dome. The building is filled with a lot of soldiers, covered from head to foot in black. They wear black helmets that conceal their entire face and are equipped with numerous weapons. Some of the staff are also made up of women in white scrubs; she’s not sure why there are so many people here and she prays there are no other people here in a similar situation.

“Alright, Aleena. Here we are.”

The man flashes his I.D against a pad by the door and it beeps before sliding open. Inside seems to be an interrogation room. Just four chairs and a table. Her mom and sisters occupy the three in front of the white table and they look completely exhausted.

“Aleena!” Selena notices her first and throws herself at her. Aleena does her best to catch her sister without welcoming too much of her weight. Selena feels the bump and stares up at her with wide eyes.

“I uh, got caught up so I couldn’t go through with it.” She explains quietly.

“Go through with what?” Her mother asks coldly.

Aleena gulps. Her mother is angry and she can’t pretend to not understand why.

“I’m pregnant.” She curls in on herself with the confession.

“So it’s true. And you knew.” She says to Selena accusingly.

“Don’t. I asked Selena not to say anything.”

“And it doesn’t matter! Since when is pregnancy a crime?! It doesn’t explain why we’re being held hostage without a proper warrant! How are you angry at us for this bullshit!” Selena fires back at their mom.

“I’m sorry, little firecracker but your sister’s pregnancy is no ordinary one. We needed to have her and now that we do, you’re free to go.”

“We’re not leaving our sister!” Akeela yells. It brings tears to her eyes. Seeing her teenage sister defend her like this after putting them in this situation.

“It’s okay, you should go. I’ll be fine.”

“What? Are you insane?”

“No!” Her mom and Selena yell simultaneously.

“Listen, you need to go. I’ll be fine.” She tries to communicate with her eyes. She has a plan. Selena immediately understands and gives a subtle nod.

“You said only the baby right? You’ll release her when she delivers?” Selena directs the question to the man by the door.

“You have my word.” He responds solemnly. It’s almost believable but Aleena knows better than to trust his word.

“Then we should go.” Her mother and younger sister gasp at Selena’s words.

“But-”

“This isn’t a fight we can win mom, we should go and not cause more trouble for ourselves and Aleena.”

Selena pulls her into a hug.

“In four days, at 2 am. I’ll need a driver.” Aleena whispers against her sister’s ear. Selena gives her upper forearm a subtle squeeze.

Her mom comes over to hug her next.

“Are you sure you’ll be okay?”

No.

“I’m sure.”

She squeezes her baby sister extra tight, dropping a lingering kiss on her forehead then watches as her family is blindfolded and escorted out the building.

“Now, forgive my manners, you can call me Daniel, and yes this is my actual name.” The man says with a grin. “Let me introduce you to Finn here who’ll be your… companion for the duration of your stay.”

The soldier, clearly a man, steps from behind Daniel.

“He’ll accompany you on your walks around the facility, bring you food and whatever else you desire, you request it through him. Finn, escort her to her room. I need to retire for the evening.” Daniel turns, making his way towards the entrance.

Finn advances on her frozen form and gently grasps at her bare upper forearm. Aleena gasps loudly. The hairs on her body stand on end, a chill racing up her spine. His touch, the reaction her body gives, it feels just like it would when…

Her eyes trail up towards his face hidden behind the black visor of his helmet. The man raises a hand, bringing his index finger towards his face to make a small, quick gesture.

Shh.

[lurkingshan]

Only Friends: Fight Night

Another excellent episode, this time with everyone at each other’s throats. So much happened, so let’s break down the big fights and shifting allegiances.

Round 1: Sand vs Top

Phew, Sand really hates Top. I am dying for the backstory on the ex Top stole from him. I loved how this scene showcased Top’s two faces: the boyfriend mask he wears with Mew, and this nastiness that comes out with others. I think both faces are real to an extent, but it cannot be denied that he is lying and hiding parts of himself from Mew. I don’t think Mew would be happy to hear the way Top talks about him, flaunting him as a conquest he won. Sand’s disdain for Top and the way he operates could not be more clear, and his smug attitude in this scene gave Sand the push he needed to do something with the ammunition he has.

Winner: Sand, but Top doesn’t know it yet.

Round 2: Ray vs Boston

Ray walked into this scene with the upperhand, and we saw a moment of real fear on Boston’s face when he realized Ray knew about him fucking Top. But he recovered quickly and turned it around on Ray easily, hitting on his insecurities about Mew and accusing him of only wanting Mew to know so he could break up his relationship and try to get with him again. He called him disgusting (Boston’s favorite insult), and clearly, that was a direct hit, because Ray teared up and disassembled immediately. 

Winner: Boston. Don’t fuck with a fucker, Ray.

Round 3: Cheum vs Boston and Ray

Cheum got her passive aggressive on in this scene and made a bunch of passive aggressive digs at her “friends.” I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: everyone in this friend group is an asshole (run for your life, April!) and none of them seem to actually like each other much. After encouraging Boston to bring Nick and promising to be on her best behavior, she called him a “heartless slut” in front of the guy she claims she wants him to date, and then started picking on Ray for being single and condescended to him about finding someone, teeing up Boston to add insult to injury. Classic mean girl behavior.

Winner: Cheum, but not for long.

Round 4: Ray vs Everyone

As soon as Ray started chugging his liquor after his friends were mean to him, I knew we were in for some chaos, and he did not disappoint. Shots fired at every one of them, except for his most beloved Mew. Unfortunately, his drunk and high ass couldn’t get it together to coherently explain what he was ranting about in front of the crowd, but in the end it didn’t matter because he had already delivered the important information to Mew in the bathroom. Boston deserved it and I didn’t even feel bad for Cheum, she brought that shit on herself. Insulting Sand and offering him money for sex in front of everyone, though? Fucking ouch.

Winner: Ray, but in his typical fashion, he also lost.

Round 5: Sand vs Ray

Sand is the cause of this whole mess, but he seems distressed to see Ray in this state. I don’t know what he thought would happen when he gave Ray this ammunition, knowing how he feels about Mew and how little self-control he has, so I was rolling my eyes a little at his insistence that Ray stop thinking about Mew. You sewed this chaos, sir! Don’t light the match and then make a shocked Pikachu face when you start a fire! After having already hurt him in front of everyone in the bar, Ray rejected Sand and his help brutally, calling him a whore and throwing him to the ground, and then got in his car to wreak havoc on the road. Ray is focused on Mew and simply does not care about Sand’s feelings, and Sand can’t seem to stop trying to protect Ray from his own self-destruction no matter how many times he’s rejected.

Winner: No one, this is all around fucked.

Round 6: Mew vs Top

Mew, my boy, I didn’t know you had it in you! Throughout that scene I was shaking my head, wondering how he could have possibly missed the implication of what Ray was saying and whether he just won’t believe anything Ray says, and then as the sex scene started and he was more bold and confident than usual, I was like what is going o—oh shit! Mew, that was brilliant. I loved seeing him catch Top off guard like that, and given that he already knew before he went home with him, he was clearly giving Top one last chance to come clean and stop lying. Top failed the test, Mew is righteously pissed and genuinely hurt, and for once, Top is out of his depth with no idea how to fix his mistake. 

Winner: Mew. 

And Mew isn’t done, because next week we finally get to see him set some things on fire and kick Boston into the pool. Friends, I can hardly wait.

[snowball-doie]

✮⋆˙ 𝐨𝐟𝐟 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐞 𝐝𝐞𝐬𝐢𝐫𝐞𝐬, 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟑 ˙⋆✮

| pairing: johnny x manager!oc

| warnings: 18+ MDNI. COVID-19 lockdown stuff. Alcohol consumption.

| aurora's note: finally getting to the chapters i enjoy cuz johnny and aurora actually get together instead of everything just being world building lol~~ my bestie says she loves these early chapters the most tho so idk ...?

| aurora's note 2: don't forget this is kinda(???) an au, so some things are SLIGHTLY different from irl.

A year and a half after Aurora was hired at SM, things were still going smoothly. Her job was secured after the executives decided to extend her contract due to how happy the boys were when working with her and there were only good things to say about her work ethic. It was a miracle, to be honest. There were a dozen times that Aurora thought that she would get kicked to the curb, but she was still holding strong, and she was happy there with Yuta and Taeyong at her side to help her navigate it all.

But of course, nothing good ever lasts forever… One day everyone was at work, practicing, messing around, Yuta and Taeyong hanging on Aurora while Ten waited impatiently to make another TikTok with her. The next day, they all got emails from the executives telling them that the company would be taking an in-person hiatus following South Korea’s COVID-19 epidemic preventative measures being implemented overnight. Everyone thought that it would last about a week. The government would find a way to contain the illness, a cure would be found, or everyone would simply forget about it and move on… But none of that happened. One week turned into two, then into an entire month, and then it went on far longer than anyone could have possibly imagined, putting everything on pause. No world tour for 127. No practices. No working at the office. No more music. It was like life came to a halt right when things were getting good, and Aurora had zero clue of what to do with herself.

In a random turn of events, Johnny and Aurora began getting buddy-buddy. They had always been friends at work, but because of the COVID lockdowns, he had a lot of free time on his hands to finally get to know her better, she supposed. It was weird to think of Johnny Suh as a friend. Ever since they met, he treated her with plenty of respect because that was the type of guy he was, but he also liked to give her a hard time every now and then which had a tendency to piss her off in a mild way, prompting her to give him a hard time back. He must’ve thought they were just having fun. It wasn’t the worst thing in the world, granted, since Aurora understood he meant well… But when they became actual friends who were constantly talking and hanging out in Discord calls together, the teasing seemed different.

When they would play multiplayer games together, Johnny would always roast the shit out of her— One of his favorite things was to play Among Us with the rest of 127, and every single fucking time, Johnny found a rhyme or a reason to throw Aurora under the bus, even when he knew that neither of them were the imposters! Oh, she despised that. Whenever Johnny would play story mode games, like Until Dawn which he had an obsession with in the early months of lockdown, he would stream his screen for her and let her rant about her day. Aurora had it a lot harder than he did. While the idols got to relax at home and simply wait for the restrictions to be lifted, Aurora and the other managers were still having to put in endless work to keep the company afloat, because if they stopped their efforts of promoting the boys, then everyone would be out of a job and on the streets in no time. That put a lot of pressure on Aurora. Not only was the work difficult given the circumstances, but the threat of being alone in a foreign country made her stomach twist. Aurora was a social creature. She needed to be in the office, meeting with execs face to face, yelling at the boys when they got too rowdy, cuddling Yuta whenever she was tired or overwhelmed. But all of that had been ripped from her in the lockdowns.

“I tested positive,” Yuta texted one day. Prior to that, Aurora considered sneaking him into her building so that they could spend a weekend together for the first time in months, but the idiot had to go and get COVID while attending an underground party in Hongdae. She decided she was going to smack him upside the head next time she’d see him.

So Johnny was one of Aurora’s only sources of comfort while Taeyong struggled to keep up with his own work for the company, Yuta slept away his COVID symptoms for two weeks or so, and Ten was busy hanging out with his other friends. Johnny was a good listener, surprisingly. He was one of the only extroverts in NCT, yet Aurora was amazed by his ability to zip his mouth shut and listen to her go on and on and on for hours like the extrovert she was too. It was easy to get over his humor— The moments where he could be so cringe Aurora would fall out of her chair were at least still funny, so she dealt with him. Barely.

“Noona, I have something important to ask you,” Ten said urgently over the phone one day. Aurora hummed a tone that said she was listening as she cooked her dinner. “Are you and Johnny… A thing?”

Aurora accidentally dropped the knife on the cutting board with a heavy thud. “Excuse you?”

“He’s acting weird, okay! I figured you would’ve told me if you guys were dating, but I don’t know!”

“Why on Earth— How’s he acting weird?”

“He’s just been talking about you a lot. Like, an unreasonable amount. And he keeps asking me questions about you to get to know you better, and I keep telling him to leave me alone, but he finds every excuse to talk about you.”

Aurora rolled her eyes then casually went back to cooking. Men. “We’re just friends. We spend every day together playing video games, he probably has nothing better to do than talk about me.”

“Noona, I—”

“He’d probably have more of a life if you talked to us more instead of playing games with the WayV boys,” she teased, licking homemade spaghetti sauce off her index finger after dumping the sausage into the pot.

Ten dropped the topic after that. Aurora didn’t hear another peep from him about Johnny or the laughable thought of Aurora dating him. Was it actually impossible for people to believe that a guy and a girl could be friends, and just that? She was already just friends with Yuta, Taeyong, and Ten, so where was Ten getting the idea of Johnny and Aurora dating planted in his mind? He never fessed up, and Aurora didn’t ask.

Come the end of April, going into May, restrictions around the pandemic lockdown were slowly lifting, especially for companies who had a heavy impact on the country’s economy, like entertainment companies. Aurora was given the greenlight to host meetings in the office, so long as all social distancing laws were obeyed. Easy enough. She started pulling the boys of NCT into a meeting room on a schedule that allowed them to see each other for the first time in months while also getting a bunch of work done for the upcoming Resonance album that the company was desperately hoping would help bounce them back financially after a rough first quarter.

Each of the members got a chance to review the songs in the album and vote on which project or two they wanted to be involved in— Although neither Aurora nor any of the other managers could promise anything, they wanted to try their best to make everything fair, not only for the boys’ sakes but for the fans too who all had different biases. If the company wanted to make money, they needed to utilize the boys properly, and that was what Aurora was there for. She knew their international fanbase best. She knew who needed to stand out the most and who didn't, beyond putting Mark in every single song because he was the company’s golden goose.

Honestly, almost everyone was quick and easy to meet with. The only outliers were the expected suspects, like Taeyong, Yuta, and Ten who all wanted to talk story with Aurora first before actually getting to work, and they kept getting distracted throughout the entire conversation. Taeyong wanted to keep talking, but it wasn’t about random stuff, it was specifically about work, as if Aurora didn’t have a million other things to do after her meeting with him, and he was just delaying the process by prying unnecessarily. The person Aurora didn’t technically expect to also be chatty with her was Johnny. In the past, whenever they had work meetings, he was quite good at listening to her while he reclined back in his roller chair that he swayed side to side while nodding along to everything she had to say in a mixture of Korean, English, and Japanese like her mind was all over the place— Which it usually was. However, during this meeting specifically, perhaps because they had become friends more recently, Johnny was more on the talkative side. He had far more input than usual. He had his sights set on certain projects, and Aurora was more than willing to write her notes down in the hopes of helping him out.

The productive part of their meeting passed pretty quickly since Johnny was an easy client to negotiate with, so the conversation drifted to something more casual. He asked her about how her videogames were going and if she was doing okay balancing everything with work. After replying, she asked him about his games and if had the chance to see any of the other boys. His games were fine though he needed some of her help carrying him in CoD— She of course laughed uncontrollably at that because she was worse than him at the game and they both knew it. He didn’t get a chance to see any of the boys, unfortunately. He was looking forward to prepping for the album, though, so that he would be able to spend more time with them like before COVID struck.

And then, out of nowhere, a change in topic smacked her across the face as he asked, “What type of guys are you into?”

It was an invasive question for sure, but it wasn’t like Aurora kept it a secret from anyone else in NCT when they asked. Still, she shocked herself by answering honestly: Mostly twink guys with long blonde hair. She wasn’t sure why, but she really loved dyed blonde hair on guys with dark hair, especially when the roots started to grow out… That was the best part. Beyond that, though, she liked guys who were actually just real softies in private. Big cuddlers. Guys who didn’t mind her special interests. It was important to her that she had someone who would listen to her rant for hours on end about the things she enjoyed and even get involved themselves.

“So does that mean you like Yuta?”

Aurora laughed loudly, throwing her head back, hitting the table with a loud smack. There was no fucking way he had just said that. Yuta? Yuta Nakamoto? Pft! Sure, she knew that they were close— Closer than she was to anyone else at SM— but never in a million years did she think people saw them as having any kind of relationship beyond being friends. That was like saying she was in love with Ten or Taeyong! It simply didn’t make sense.

“What!” he defended quickly. “He’s got dyed hair, and you two are always all over each other, and he listens to you go on and on and on in Japanese when no one else knows what you’re saying.”

She couldn’t breathe, she was laughing so damn hard.

“Bruh, you’re impossible.”

She tried to catch her breath between words so that she didn’t leave Johnny hanging, “That’s… That’s like saying… my brother and I are in love…” She exhaled deeply to try to stop laughing. “No, I don’t like Yuta-kun.”

Johnny tsked while squinting to see if she was really telling the truth, but when she didn’t budge, he nodded and moved on to a different topic. To Aurora, it was a relief that he didn’t pry more because if he kept asking who she could possibly like, she feared that it would create some kind of drama at work, which was a big no-no for her. She wanted to keep things professional to the best of her ability. So Johnny showing her some mercy came with a breath of relief; However, throughout the entire conversation, the vibes were noticeably off slightly, but Aurora tried to trick herself into thinking that it was all in her head after Ten's comment about thinking that they were together… Johnny didn’t seem to think differently of their conversation, though. He kept talking and talking like they had been friends their entire lives.

When her eyes flicked to the time, Aurora realized that they had been wasting their afternoon talking story and now he was required to go to his schedules for the day, which included stamina training that all the boys had to attend together.

“Everyone is probably waiting for you downstairs.”

She checked her calendar to see what the practice was for exactly… It seemed that the boys were practicing their new dance for music shows now that their comeback was just around the corner. Shit. How could she forget that, and could she not keep Johnny on time?

Just as quickly as she realized her mistakes, Aurora jumped to her feet, collecting her belongings, eyeing Johnny to see if he was following her lead— Which he was— and they hurried out of the meeting room together.

“If you fall behind today ‘cause you’re late, I’ll still yell at you in front of the others.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Johnny replied teasingly.

A couple of days later, the dreaded topic of Aurora and Johnny came up again when Ten showed up at her office unexpectedly, wearing a medical mask, keeping his distance from her as he closed the door and sat across from her. He had more to report about Johnny. Apparently he was still talking about her, but ever since their meeting in person the other day, he was doing the most to the point it was pissing Ten off. Johnny was asking about each of Aurora’s special interests in order to try to get into them. Literally everything. He was already into anime and video games, that was the easy part for him, but he wanted to know more than that, and it seemed he thought he could trust Ten to keep it between the two of them rather than if he went to Yuta who he knew would’ve snitched to Aurora immediately. Unfortunately for Johnny, Ten was just as loyal to Aurora.

But she was genuinely confused. Why did Johnny care so much? Like, they had never been that close before, and suddenly he was trying to be her bestie? Where did it all start? What spawned those behaviors?

Ten giggled. “He must like you.”

She rolled her eyes. Johnny was the type of guy to be into models and fuck around with really pretty women, because as a celebrity that was the kind of person he had easy access to. She didn’t get the vibe that he would ever be into someone like her. There was no chance he would even take a moment to give her a second glance.

“No,” Ten shook his head, “Johnny stopped fucking around a couple of years ago— Actually…” He raised his brow at her. “It was around the time you joined SM. He’s been so consumed by work that he hasn’t had the time for girls, so the fact that he’s trying really, really hard to get your attention is saying something.”

Aurora scoffed because she thought that it was complete bullshit since no one had ever been into her, and Johnny of all people couldn’t possibly be. Ten couldn’t fathom that she felt that way about herself. He genuinely fell silent for minutes on end while trying to think of something to say except for, “Shut the fuck up,” which was ultimately what he decided on regardless. But to Aurora, statistically, it was true, and of course she knew it best because she was the one living her lonely, sad life.

However, as time went on, Aurora couldn’t completely disregard Ten's claims. Especially whenever Johnny kept appearing in Aurora’s life— Or rather, popping up, like a whack-a-mole or something. He would ask to play video games with her, which mostly consisted of Call of Duty that he played on his PS5 at his place and she played on her Xbox at hers. Sometimes they would dabble in other things for fun like Fortnite, Among Us, etc. When they weren’t gaming, he would watch Criminal Minds and various anime shows with her. He got into all of it. Fast. He spiraled into reading manga that she would recommend, he would do online figurine and manga shopping with her, and he’d help her look into different conventions she could potentially attend in the future.

Every time she talked to Johnny, the conversation she had with Ten always played in the back of her mind. Surely it wasn’t true. She just wanted to appreciate the new friend she was making. But Aurora couldn’t deny that he was being extremely suspicious… and she was trying so, so hard not to get her hopes up… Yes, her hopes. Even though she thought the whole thing was silly, part of her wondered if there was some merit to it and if she should’ve chased him, but what did Ten say all those years ago about needing to be more careful than everyone else because she was a foreigner, but Johnny was too, so maybe it wasn’t insane to think— No. No. She had to keep things on a friendship level and she couldn’t allow her imagination to run wild.

By July, Aurora took notice over how Johnny had been growing his hair out without any requests from the execs on the matter, and the most shocking part was that he was going for a length that was longer than he ever had before. Eventually, when it finally got down to his shoulders, he suddenly dyed it without any warning. One day he just FaceTimed her out of the blue, showing off the blonde, bragging that he thought it looked good but that he also wanted her opinion since she was the “expert” on blonde men. Though she rolled her eyes, she played along. It was hard to deny that it did in fact look good… And that it really was working for her… Though she would never tell him that.

Aurora immediately texted Ten after she got off the phone with Johnny because it was no longer all just a coincidence— Johnny was being incredibly suspicious. The fact that he dyed his hair, complimented her, and practically begged for her opinion convinced her of everything that Ten was teasing her about for months.

"I told you so," he bragged when he FaceTimed her. "I knew he was obvious, but I didn’t think he’d actually go as far as to become the exact type of guy you’re into.” He face palmed.

“Can you ask him?”

He looked up at her.

“Can you get a serious answer out of him, see if he actually likes me or not? But be smooth about it, obviously….”

“I can try, no promises.”

Come October, there was still no news from Ten on the Johnny situation. Aurora had limited time to bother him about it, honestly, and he was just as busy that she figured there was no time to prod about office romance gossip, so Aurora easily let the thought drift to the back of her mind. In the meantime, she worked hard on the upcoming album that she’d been planning with the boys. The songs were recorded, the dances were rehearsed, now it was down to the last few weeks where they would be filming all of the music videos back to back, hardly giving some of the boys like Mark and Taeyong a chance to rest. She felt bad… It was technically her fault because she was in charge of scheduling them, but she tried to pass the blame off to the execs who forced her to use their best idols as much as possible, and unfortunately for them, that meant Mark and Taeyong were in practically every song on the album.

During the filming of the song Work It, Aurora was on set both days to make sure everything ran smoothly since the majority of the group assigned to the project were from 127— AKA, her responsibility. Since they filmed so early in the morning until late at night at various locations around Seoul on the first day, the boys were incredibly tired, which meant that they were docile, so they did whatever Aurora wanted, and they worked well with the crew who was even more tired than they were.

It was a major relief to Aurora that the project turned out as well as it did because she had her hopes set high ever since assigning Johnny to it because he didn’t get many other NCT U opportunities. She hoped that it would finally be his breakthrough— His turn to stand out. And stand out he did. The execs asked him to cut his long blonde hair for the videos, but he refused very adamantly. Aurora couldn’t wrap her brain around why on Earth Johnny would put himself on the execs’ bad side after she went to all that trouble shoving him into as many projects as she could… Johnny wouldn’t explain it to her. She asked plenty of times when trying to convince him to listen to them, but he refused and walked away with a laugh and a shrug that brushed her off. Asshole. It was just hair. It would grow back if he really liked it that much. Regardless, he still adamantly thanked her for fighting for him because he was usually overlooked; He kept promising that he wouldn’t let her down.

On the second day, that was when the boys somehow got an extra boost of energy, which made Aurora’s life hell because not only was Work It filming, but so were some other subunits who needed to do B-Roll for the NCT U song, Resonance. Aurora was so busy running between sets that she really didn’t have time to fuck around, but the boys couldn’t care less. Whenever she was on the Work It set, Yuta and Ten were all over her, teasing her, successfully distracting her from her actual work between their takes. And then there was Johnny. He was always lingering behind Ten, laughing along with their jokes, making comments to try to fit in, and so on until he got more comfortable to step closer and closer… until he was in every conversation and was able to pry Aurora’s attention away from her friends. Yuta was honestly ready to fight them both so that they could just focus on filming and not Aurora. “Says you,” Ten teased with his tongue out. That only ticked off Yuta more, however, earning Ten the wonderful experience of being dragged back onto set via his ear by Yuta, meanwhile Johnny pointed and laughed the entire time until Aurora kicked him in the shins and told him, “Get moving.”

When the dreaded day to film the large group shots for Resonance finally dawned, Aurora knew what was going to happen, and she wished that she was a time traveler in order to just skip right past the entire thing; but, alas, she had to be there from early in the morning until late at night to wrangle all twenty boys… Laying in bed the morning of, Aurora asked herself if it was worth it. Sure, she loved them. Her job was fun. But she was tired and there were only so many times she could complain to Taeyong and Yuta about her stress and workload. Maybe she just needed a personal life. “Maybe a dog would be nice,” she said before forcing herself to roll out of bed.

“Good morning, everyone,” Aurora greeted confidently upon walking onto set.

Because there were so many members they needed to film in a single shot, the creative team came up with the idea of filming them in a stadium where there would be plenty of space, and it would also make up for the lack of concerts due to the pandemic, so fans would be happy to see their favorite members on some kind of stage. Most of the crew was already there since their call time was earlier in order to set up. Most of them stopped to bow in her direction once they realized who she was, but all of the new crew whom she’d never worked with previously didn’t know who she was or the power she held, they just saw a foreigner and decided to keep going on with their day. Aurora truthfully didn’t mind. The only person who did seem to care was Johnny who stepped onto set behind Aurora, still dressed in his street clothes, to loudly announce that they needed to show their manager some respect.

Aurora rolled her eyes. “Morning to you too.”

“Late night?” he asked her with a grin.

“Yeah.”

“CoD still kicking your ass?”

“Every day.”

Hayoon approached silently to give Aurora a cup of iced Americano provided by the catering company on set for the day. Aurora thanked her quickly. Johnny still stood there, waiting for Aurora’s attention, but she didn’t have much to give him when the rest of the boys were arriving in droves in all their loud glory, needing assistance finding their changing rooms where they would also get their hair and make up done. There was never a moment to rest, not even for Johnny and those sad puppy-dog eyes of his that he gave her as she walked away to pull Haechan off of Renjun.

During the long day of filming, Dream was the least well behaved group because Aurora had no leash on them. Chenle, Haechan, and Jaemin were the worst because they fucking fed off of each other’s constant energy! Not even Taeyong could get Chenle and Haechan to listen at that point. WayV was fine because Ten was like a stern dad that sent silent glares to each of the other members to make sure they listened to Aurora… and it worked! 127 were literally there like, “Mommmmm…” so they did whatever she said, and they were constantly on their best behavior for her and Taeyong. Yuta looked like he was on the verge of killing whoever wasn’t paying attention— Mark and Haechan specifically. Because the majority of them were able to behave themselves at least to some mild degree, they were able to get through shooting on time, so Yuta, Shotaro, Ten, and Taeyong immediately asked Aurora out to dinner. As she gathered her things to follow them out to a taxi Taeyong called, she noticed Johnny still waiting to talk to her. Hours had gone by and he was still waiting for her? Maybe she just needed to play more games with him later on that night. But he seemed to back down once he saw her leaving with her friends.

In a surprising turn of events, Johnny decided to keep his unique hair for the entirety of the promotional season for Resonance. It became such a joke as his hair continued to get longer that the boys started calling him “Aphrodite” or “Aphrodite’s son” regularly instead of his actual name— Ten was specifically notorious for doing so, and Aurora found it to be hilarious. Johnny didn’t seem to mind— In fact, he was kind of leaning into it in order to entertain her and Ten. One time when Aurora showed Johnny a clip of Glinda on Broadway flipping her hair everywhere and said that it reminded her of him, Johnny made it his thing. He strutted everywhere, flipped his hair dramatically, winked at everyone. He was really going for the Aphrodite thing.

Aurora assumed that he would stop once promotions were done, so she just enjoyed it while she could because it wasn’t the worst look on him, admittedly. However, the hair didn’t disappear. The last of their schedules for the album finished, all of the music videos were nearly done and ready to be posted in December, yet Aurora never saw the words “Haircut Appointment” appear on Johnny's personal schedule, and he never appeared suddenly with short hair. Despite her want to inquire about it, there just wasn’t any time. She’d concerned herself enough about Johnny as it was, she needed to focus on getting the album out and what the boys would do after that in preparation for the next album. Tour was a possibility if COVID ended soon. Fan meets were a must the second restrictions would be lifted. Honestly, the boys were about to be a fuck-ton busier than Aurora ever was during lockdown when they all pitied her for the amount of work she had to do while they sat around on their asses everyday.

“You want to play some games tonight” Johnny pestered one day in their Discord DMs. Usually Aurora would’ve said yes, but it was already going on five o’clock and there was no end to her daily efforts in sight, so she had to turn him down. He followed up by asking if she wanted some background noise while working. She chuckled at that text. If she were working at home, then perhaps, but since she was stuck at the office and likely had to meet with the American office within the next few hours, she had to turn him down once more. “So you hate me” Aurora rolled her eyes and replied, “Not all the time.” “Wooowwwww” “Have a good night, Johnny.” “So official. Period.” Aurora rolled her eyes again then left him on read so that he wouldn’t continue to distract her.

“Noona, can we have a watch party for the new album?” Taeyong texted during her meeting with the Americans.

She responded while still looking up at the Zoom meeting on the TV screen, “What?”

“The boys are begging to watch the MVs together.”

“I’ll see what I can do. Meeting rn.”

Taeyong, unlike Johnny, understood that meant Aurora didn’t want to be bothered, so he left her alone immediately. 

It wasn’t unlike the company or the group for that matter to break a few rules here and there so long as no one else found out about it. With the new album coming out, Aurora tried to convince the company to let the boys watch the new music videos together to celebrate, but they declined, citing that it was too many people to have in such a small, confined space, they didn’t want to get in legal trouble. But, honestly, that didn’t stop anyone. Once the boys heard they couldn’t meet on official terms, they started sorting out whose house they could go to instead, who would bring what snacks, what alcohol everyone wanted, and so on. Aurora pretended to not know a thing. She just coincidentally happened upon Chenle's house one afternoon and was completely surprised when all the other boys were there, waiting for her flash drive that held the music videos! How did that happen?

Most of the boys were already there when Aurora arrived. They had rearranged Chenle's living room to make a giant couch where the majority of them could sit while the rest of them lounged on blankets and pillows spread out on the floor in front of the TV. Everyone was spread out around the house, however, until one person took notice that Aurora was setting up the TV to show the music videos, at which point they all began cheering her in both a teasing but also grateful manner. The boys ran to claim space on the couch. Literally, sprinted, like their lives depended on it. Hendery and Xiaojun pushed each other out of the way, Haechan tackled Jungwoo who was taller and stronger than him so he ended up getting pinned down for a moment before Jungwoo made a run for it. Aurora rolled her eyes at them as she finished connecting the flash drive to the TV.

Aurora’s spot was decided for her as Yuta, Ten, Taeyong, Shotaro, and Johnny all made room for her to be squished in the middle of their group on the couch. She happily took the space. Laying down with her head on Yuta's chest so he could wrap his arms around her while Taeyong hugged her left side and Shotaro inched closer to her right side, she started the videos.

Ever since they worked on music videos for the album together and Shotaro actually had a chance to talk to Aurora in depth and in Japanese, they had become pretty inseparable. Aurora knew that it was possible. Back when she got hired at SM, she imagined that she would be friends with Shotaro because they both spoke Japanese, but she also guessed back then that there wouldn’t be many opportunities for them to interact because of their conflicting schedules… and she was right. Now that they finally talked, of course they were friends. He would text her to ask if they could go to a cafe almost every day, and if she didn’t have time, she would ask him to go to dinner with her and Yuta so that they could relax and just talk in Japanese for the evening. Ever since their friendship bloomed, Shotaro seemed to come out of his shell a little bit. He talked to the rest of the boys more often, he joked around loudly, he wrestled Chenle on occasion… Aurora was always filled with joy when she saw that after knowing him to somewhat of an introvert for so long.

Ten and Johnny were a bit further from her on the couch, but honestly it didn’t matter too much once the videos started playing and everyone was more focused on teasing each other than figuring out their seating arrangements. Work It was by far Aurora’s favorite. She just loved to give Ten and Yuta a hard time about it because they had given her a difficult time working on the set that second day, but they took her teasing with laughter and returned it with pokes in her side that made her laugh so hard she couldn’t breathe.

But then there was Johnny.

The lingerer.

The guy that was always around her, begging for her attention.

There were certain parts of the video where he looked incredibly good, and every time the thought struck her, Aurora panicked slightly. She just couldn’t help herself! Her kryptonite was men with long, dyed blonde hair! But the scenes which caught her off guard were the ones where he wore a skater boy aesthetic outfit with the black t-shirt and a white long sleeve shirt underneath, paired with black skinny jeans which were decorated with chains and tons of jewelry. The hair was an added plus— The length was down to his shoulders, and it was tied into a messy half ponytail to show off his roots that were slowly growing out… Ah, fuck… She was trying her absolute best to remain professional and just cheer on her friends, but it was damn near impossible to look anywhere but at Johnny.

“You could pick up your jaw, you know?” Yuta whispered to her.

Aurora snapped out of her trance, her mouth closing, her gaze turning to meet Yuta's while he was laughing at her.

However, her torment didn’t end there because the next video to play was Resonance. It was fine to whistle and cheer for all of her friends, bragging about how sexy they were, laughing at how silly some of the memories from set had been, and all that; but what carried over from Work It into Resonance was Johnny. Just Johnny. His hair… A black outfit that hugged his fit body and the shirt was even hemmed short so every time he raised his arms over his head while dancing, his stomach was shown off as he winked at the camera. What was Aurora supposed to do with that? For months all she could do was think about why Johnny was acting the way he was, and what she was supposed to do about it… Then all of a sudden he looked like that, and he seemed proud of himself from his spot on the couch as the boys continued to rightfully tease him for looking so “pretty.”

“I need a drink,” she quickly whispered to Yuta.

He nodded, his gaze still glued to the TV, so she felt like she couldn’t move quite yet or else it would be a total distraction to all the boys sitting in the living room as they had casual fun with each other for the first time in a long time.

“Get me one,” Yuta said, still staring at the TV.

“Hai.”

The second the music video was over, Aurora stood to get some alcohol. She shook out Shotaro's hair until it was all messy and he was giggling while trying to get away from her. She kissed the top of his head and finally complimented him for doing so well. He blushed a deep shade of red. A quiet, “Arigato,” left him, but then they were both quickly distracted by the others pulling out champagne that wasn’t even being given a chance to properly make it into glasses before the likes of Jungwoo and Haechan decided to just start chugging out of the bottles. Aurora pulled an Asahi out of the fridge for Yuta, then she poured herself a glass of wine— Perhaps a little more than she should’ve, but she felt like it was needed after the long year they had with the pandemic and all, and she was desperate to do anything but look at Johnny, so the alcohol would have to be her distraction. However, when Aurora returned to the living room, she discovered that she’d been betrayed. Everyone had moved around. Yuta was no longer available since he’d moved to talk to other people, Shotaro was being smothered by Renjun, Ten and Taeyong were pouring drinks for each other. The only empty space she could find for herself was beside Johnny who seemed to have nothing to do as he drank a beer of his own.

“Traitor,” she whispered to Yuta as she handed his beer to him before going to sit beside Johnny.

Johnny was focused on the TV where Mark had put on a soccer match to keep them occupied as they all talked, drank, and hung out like old times before it wasn’t allowed. For a moment, however, as Aurora settled beside him, his gaze flicked to her out of the corner of his eye until he realized that she caught him so he went back to watching the TV.

“Hendery looks good, doesn’t he?” Johnny asked expectedly, like he was egging her on to say something incriminating, yet there wasn’t a single thought that crossed her mind other than confusion as to what he was getting at. He shrugged nonchalantly, “I just mean that the pink hair suits him. You like that kind of thing, you should know, right?”

Aurora snickered. “Sure.”

“So you don’t like him?”

“Who says I like anyone here?”

Johnny sipped his beer and finally looked directly at her. “I can see it on your face most days… There’s someone you like, I just haven’t figured out who yet. If it’s not Hendery's pink hair, and Yuta and Ten are like your brothers, then the options are narrowed down a bit— You’re not into younger guys, are you? I think Jisung's a little too young for you—”

Aurora hit his buff bicep roughly. “Fucking weirdo. Stop trying to assume things about me. You hardly know me.”

“After two years, I hardly know you?”

“Yes.”

Johnny snickered. “Guess I’ll have to pry harder in the future, then.”

While he went back to watching the TV, Aurora continued to stare at him, inspecting his features while simultaneously asking herself if he knew the truth for real or if he was just messing with her. The skin tag he had around his septum was cute. He had a deeper, more pronounced philtrum than most people. His chin was sharp, his cheekbones were always highlighted naturally wherever he went, and he had long eyelashes that men usually didn’t have. She tried to hide behind her drink by taking a lot of big sips. Surely he couldn’t know about all the conversations she and Ten had about him— Unless Ten snitched. No, he wouldn’t! Right?

“What?” Johnny asked self-consciously after he caught her staring while thinking.

“I’m honestly a bit surprised that the long blonde hair suits you so well, and that you fought the execs on it.”

“How come?”

“It’s just hair… You usually keep it short, anyhow.”

He lifted a brow. “Is it a good or a bad thing that I kept it?”

“Good.”

“So, then, you like it, huh?”

“I do…”

Maybe it was the alcohol, but she could have sworn she heard him wrong when he asked, “Will you go to dinner with me some time?”

And it was most definitely the alcohol when she had the audacity to say yes to him.

Johnny grinned with pride and excitement before attempting to hide it behind his beer in the hopes that no one would tease him for being such a sucker for her. However, Aurora noticed, and she couldn’t help the smile that grew on her face too.

A few minutes later, Aurora got up to get another drink, and in the process of doing so, Doyoung took her spot next to Johnny, so she instead went to sit with Yuta and Ten again. They were in the middle of talking to each other about something nonchalant that they didn’t stop to acknowledge her for a few minutes. Aurora was fine with that. She continued to drink in peace while listening to them and glancing over at Johnny who was twirling his long blonde hair around his finger. Doyoung was chatting his ear off and he seemed distracted. Aurora quickly realized that she was the reason because Johnny made eye contact with her randomly and suddenly he was fixing himself up to look pretty for her while blushing like an idiot.

“Why are you eye fucking him?” Ten asked all of a sudden.

Aurora broke eye contact with Johnny to slap the grin off her face before looking at her friends. “I, uh… Well, I actually came over here to tell you that he asked me out.”

Yuta choked on his beer.

“And I said yes.”

He swallowed hard before smacking his lips and exclaiming, “Finally!”

Before the conversation could continue on, Yuta got up to talk to the other boys. Apparently everyone was putting bets on if and when Johnny would finally grow the balls to ask her out, so the second the rest of the room found out the truth, half of the boys groaned and started coughing up their money. It seemed that Ten, Jaehyun, Hendery, and Jeno were the only ones who ever had any faith in him, the others all lost their bets.

Aurora hit Yuta's arm. “You bet against us?!”

“He’s so whipped for you, I thought he was going to chicken out of it because he thought you were too good for him!” he defended himself in Japanese.

Her? She was too good for him? Yuta must’ve been insane. There was no one in the world too good for Johnny Suh, especially not frumpy ol’ Aurora who didn’t believe a guy like him would even look her way once. She figured that she would just play it by ear and hope for the best… And not let Yuta give her too much shit about it in the meantime.

taglist: @ohmysion , @userntfnd , @phototypee

[lawlightautismtruther]

SUPER LONG LAWLIGHT DYNAMIC ANALYSIS RANT (THIS MOSTLY ONLY APPLIES TO THE ANIME)

It’s really not that serious, but there’s more to my thesis of L being a sub/bottom than just blorbo yaoi fuel. I‘ll call back to my post about L’s true emotional vulnerability that most viewers seem to miss, because on a surface level (especially when coming from the manga and when trusting the words of Obha at face value) you may see L as detached and cold. You’re supposed to think that L is unfeeling at FIRST but post-confinement/pre-yotsuba, the truth starts to seep out. L could have had Light convicted after seeing that no more criminals were dying since locking him up, but he didn’t. Even Aizawa admitted that it was enough evidence. You know it’s real when Aizawa agrees with Matsuda, lmfao.

Anyway, after this point, L and Light actually really start to bond. (I pretty much see lawlight as subtextual canon) L, not really needing to do this because of his access to surveillance, handcuffs himself to Light Yagami. He doesn’t want to be apart from him. I actually find it to be a comedically obvious act of desperation.

My point is, Light is winning the game, and L is letting him do it out of what I believe is love. L has found the one person in his life (besides maybe Naomi) that he really feels any sort of connection to, and therefore he would hate to watch that person die. L is inarguably a vulnerable character imo. If you rewatch the the series, outside of his internal monologues, he’s actually extremely soft-spoken and coy.

“Oh, uh, well it was nice meeting you”

“Light, please make Misa stop talking now.”

You get the point. He’s nervous. He’s super frail and holds himself very compactly, he walks with his eyes on the ground usually. He shakes when Aizawa lays a hand on him. He is terrified of shinigami. I think his coldness is an act to protect himself. I really do, because he knows how much things actually do affect him. In order to continue with cases, he has to pretend like none of it really matters to him. And he almost believes it at this point, too— hence his monster speech.

But then there’s Light Yagami. A worthy individual to truly understand L. He comes along, actually treats L like a human being (be it an act, I believe it still feels good to L, who has been treated like a robot his entire life), of course L is bound to at the very least see him as a friend.

I don’t believe L’s external behavior towards Light is an act. He didn’t have to be kind, he didn’t have to pretend it was a friendship. He had zero professional reason to do so. In fact, it very much made the case a harder one to solve. If we take L’s character at face value, he would have scrapped all of the fluffy shit (like asking Light to go get cake with him, telling Light he was his only friend knowing damn well Light wouldn’t budge regardless, etc.) Adding a friendship into the mix only complicates the process of trying to read Light.

As much as L the detective hates to lose, L the person is desperate. If he really hated to lose, why did he let himself? He’s submitting to Light’s will and THAT is what kills him. On the day he dies, he knows it will happen, but still, he treats Light with kindness. Sure, he asks him if he’s ever told the truth once in his life, but after that, he pretty much gives up prying. That’s it. He’s put his gun down. Since he’s going to die anyway, he might as well just enjoy being around Light. I know for a fact that he is smart enough to have come up with some sort of plan to convict Light post-Higuchi. There’s a book about that. But canonically, he didn’t do it. Notice also how L goes to Watari before he dies for comfort. L is really such a sad character.

The crux of his character is his submissiveness, hence why I’m such a proponent of that ship dynamic. Its not just a wet-dream, it’s something I sensed in their dynamic to begin with. It’s why I became an L simp, not the other way around.

Anyway, the anime is a genius adaptation and expansion on the original story imo. (At least up until L’s death— unfortunately it didn’t do the other Wammy’s boys any justice)

TLDR;

manga L- cold and domineering, hates to lose and mostly loses at first because Light outsmarts him

anime L- the very opposite and I LOVE IT

Look at me putting my 5 on the AP English literature exam to use! Also, I know I’m a huge L fan, but I am a Light kinnie and I love him as a protagonist in every possible anti-hero type way and would love to analyze him so let me know if yall want that.

Okay, class, any questions?

[azaharinflames]

I just want to get over this. Like why am I still so sad about that how many weeks later? But I am. And I also want to hold out hope but maybe it’s better to quit because the not knowing for sure and just being sad all the time is a lot.

Hi, @phillystrega! Thanks for your ask <3

Listen, I fully get it. Real talk here, I spent a solid week with constant anxiety after 806 - granted, it wasn't just because of 911, it was sort of the straw that broke the camel's back after a lot of shit had happened in the world and my personal life, so.

At the end of the day, 911 was supposed to be our comfort show. And I think, having something like this happen, seeing everything that has happened before, has made it so it stopped being that, and that's bound to hurt.

Your feelings are normal. It was more than a couple we liked breaking up - in context, sure, but also in what meant right after. I said it right after - it truly felt like they responded to the love we tried to send into the world with hate, and they responded to hate from that side of the fandom with love.

It wasn't entirely like that. But at the time it very much felt like that. And it's normal to still be dealing with feelings surrounding that.

Here is my advice (feel free to not take it if it's shit lol):

Focus on life in the fandom if it's fun for you. The BuckTommy fandom truly helped me process my feelings and channel them toward something more positive. Talk to people, be creative, see everyone's art and posts... it truly is healing.

Block anything that threatens your peace of mind. That being accounts, hashtags, or even keywords, so you don't find it in your dash.

Go back to your comfort shows if you have any, or try to find a new one if you feel you need to latch onto a new one. I'm here if you want suggestions. No joke, binge-watching Modern Family made me feel incredibly better.

If you have a hobby, dedicate some time to it. Or try a new one if you want. I had to embroid a tote bag for one of my best friend's birthday and honestly, it truly helped. So much so I want to do some embroidery as Christmas ornaments - we'll see how that works lmao (I sound 60 when I'm mid-twenties, dear God).

All of this will slowly take you out of this mentality, mostly because you will focus on other things. I realized I was focusing too much on how all of this was making me feel - and as much as it's healthy to face our feelings and know where they come from, we don't want to fall into a cycle, or drown in them.

After all of this, with a bit more perspective, maybe it's easier to make the decision of either continue, or move on. You can also stay in the fandom and enjoy it with no expectations, maybe check every once in a while how canon is doing. And if at some point you decide it's worth checking again, you can do it. And if you decide to fully move on, that will also be okay. Overall - protect your peace.

This was very long, but I truly hope it helped you, even if it was a little.

My inbox is always open to rant, vent, or discuss (911 or whatever you want).

Take care <3

[ednygmasbowlerhat]

this is a long rant about accidentally dating people for aros/aces/aroaces that i don't expect people to read but i need to scream this into the void

ok so i'm 100% sure i'm aroace like i'm 20 years old and have never in my life been romantically or sexually attracted to anyone no matter how hard i've tried and like cognitively i know this. i'm out to all of my friends (my family doesn't know but they're homophobic so that's a future me problem anyway...) and most of my friends are queer so like they know what aromanticism and asexuality are and it's just like a thing i know and everyone knows about me. so like if i know that i am aroace how come i can't emotionally accept it? this requires a bit of a storytime but basically last year this girl who i was sort of friends with but not close with confessed to me that she had been in love with me for the better part of a year and she was like "i know you're asexual and that's fine i just wanted you to know" and first of all i don't think she comprehended that the part of my sexuality that made me not want to date her was the aromanticism not the asexuality but that's not the point. the point is that i was like "yeah i mean i've never felt that way about anyone but i like you as a person and would be happy to keep getting closer with you as friends" because like i wanted to let her down easy and that was the nicest way i could think of so then we like hung out a little more after that one-on-one which we didn't used to do because we only knew each other from classes and band but like it was fine she was nice and we were friends and like somewhere in the back of my head i was constantly thinking like maybe if i get to be really close friends with her to the point where we're basically dating then i will realize romance isn't that bad and be able to date her and like stop being aromantic. like i wasn't thinking that through consciously but i did know that i haven't emotionally reconciled what being aroace actually means for how my future is going to look so i know that's an issue that i have to work through and that i'm still working on accepting my sexuality. anyway all this to say that i was basically trying to subconsciously convince myself that if i tried hard enough i would be able to make myself fall in love with this girl.

anyways summer happens and we're texting but we don't live near each other so whatever and then we come back to school and she's like inviting me to do one on one stuff all the time like i put together a bunch of her ikea furniture for her new apartment and like after band she'd ask me to get dinner just the two of us stuff like that and one of these days at the beginning of the semester we're hanging out just the two of us and she's like "so what are we because like i'm falling more in love with you and i don't want to make you uncomfortable but i really want to be more affectionate with you?" so i was like "well i do like hugs and physical contact and stuff so i guess i'm ok with that" and from then on she was like very pda with me and kissing me on the forehead and always hugging me and like i genuinely do like physical touch but like she clearly thought we were dating and one time referred to me as her partner and i was like "woah." so anyway we're i guess accidentally dating at this point for like 3 months and then like a month ago she's driving me home and out of the blue she goes "what would it take for me to convert to judaism?" and i was like why? i didn't know if it was like a curiosity thing or like a relationship thing because in like september she asked if it was ever a possibility that the two of us could get married and i thought she was joking so i said no you're not jewish (like there are obviously so many serious reasons why i can't marry her like i don't love her but whatever i thought she was kidding) and she was like "i'd convert for you because i'm in love with you and i was thinking about it" and i was like holy shit wtf i need to get out of this car right now but like i couldn't so i'm fully sitting in her passenger seat stammering and not knowing what to say because i don't want to hurt her feelings but i don't feel the same way and yeah eventually i get home and i basically run away. she texts me like immediately after and is like "sorry if i freaked you out" and i was like no you're good but inside i was freaking out.

so anyway i try and ignore how uncomfortable i am because i have to interact with her in band, and then about a week later, she sits me down and is like "hey so i want to ask how you've been feeling about us because you've been acting weird" and i tried to be honest and say that i thought i could force myself to love her but i just can't and to me that was basically like me breaking up with her but to her apparently that was just an instruction to continue as usual i guess. so after that i started avoiding her because i wanted her to understand that i didn't want to be in this relationship with her but she like wasn't getting it and she was still like coming up to me and touching me like i was having a conversation with one of my friends and she walks up behind me and just starts picking the like fuzzy bits off of my hoodie and i literally flinched away and said stop without even looking at her and the friend i was talking to looked so concerned but she just kept standing behind me without touching me. then later that day she came up to me again and was like "are you mad at me" in front of a group of like 5 people and i was like "i'm not mad i just need space" and she keeps being like why so i just walked away because we were fully in public and i didn't want to say anything. so that night i send her a long text where i basically apologized for being rude and set my boundary that i needed space from her. for further reference i have a really bad history of being unable to say no in a lot of really serious ways that i'm working on in therapy but this was something that she knew about. she knew that i say yes to things i am not ok with because i have severe issues with conflict and have put myself in really uncomfortable and sometimes very dangerous situations just to avoid saying no or hurting someone's feelings. all of this to say it took a lot of time and work for me to set a boundary with her and tell her i need space because it is super intertwined with my trauma and mental health issues. she replies to me like 2 minutes later just saying something along the lines of "i'm so mad at you because you lied to me for months and it's a huge problem for our relationship if you can't be honest with me." i just replied ok because whatever but in my head i was like i don't exactly think i was lying to you and also i never agreed that we were together and even if we were i just dumped you so wtf?

anyway we still see each other at band stuff and she's always giving me dirty looks and someone at a party told me that she's been telling everyone i led her on which like i'm not surprised by because it was unintentional but i do agree that i led her on like i knew how much she liked me and i didn't put space between us maybe because i liked the attention or maybe because i thought i could force myself to like her back or maybe because i hate saying no but whatever the reason i feel really bad for hurting her. and here's the thing: this isn't the first time i've accidentally dated someone or led someone on for an extended period of time. i just don't know how to stop. i don't know how to force myself to emotionally accept that dating is not for me and that no matter how hard i try i will probably never like someone the way she liked me. also like am i actually in the wrong here? because all my friends are saying she's in the wrong, but i think this is all my fault but my friend said that her accusing me of lying is like calling someone a liar when they come out to you because they were lying to you the entire time before they came out about their sexuality. also a different friend keeps saying that it's her fault because i never gave her consent for a lot of the stuff that happened but like i never said no so idk. this might be like just insane ramblings at this point i just need to get this out of my head so i can study for finals.

if you read to this point literally why but thanks i hope you're doing ok and if you're aro/ace/aroace you're super awesome and valid

[afewproblems]

Difficult Days - Part Seven

Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six or Read on AO3

The day that Henry waltzes back into Shawn’s life starts out normal enough. 

It’s a Tuesday. The sun is out, the local smoothie place on the corner of 118th has finally brought back its mango tango tropical blend --containing absolutely mouth tingling amounts of pineapple, and Gus even manages to get the cute smoothie girls number while they wait for their drinks. 

“You hear about Pluto? That's messed up,” Gus says, leaning against the counter as he hands her a ten. Her head tilts slightly, eyebrow raised, her sharp green eyes sweep over Gus as a smile blooms over her freckled face. 

Oh shit, she's going to eat him alive.

“I hadn't, you'll have to tell me sometime,” the cashier says with a wink that pulls a strangled laugh out of his best friend.

They leave with their drinks, Gus's cup adorned with a sharpie phone number and a smiley face across the plastic. The bounce in Gus’s step makes Shawn grin as he watches him read the number again and again.

“Can an area code be cute?” Gus asks as they turn down the street to the department, passing uniformed officers leaving for patrol.

“Depends on the number of eights, also fours, very sexy numbers Gus,” Shawn says sagely, fighting to keep his face neutral as Gus glares openly at him.

“Please,” Gus huffs as they climb the stone steps up to the precinct, “you are just jealous that my Pluto line pulled”.

One of the rookies, officer Miller? Mayer? Some kind of M name, Shawn thinks as the officer stops to hold the door for the pair of them to enter the building. 

The rookie flashes Shawn a smile as he waves them in and Shawn can't help but smile back. Maybe Gus wouldn't be the only one getting a number today.

“It was bound to happen Gus,” Shawn insists as they turn down the hall towards the bullpen, “the intersection of women that are single, into astrology, and a little crazy is small but you were eventually gonna find it buddy”.

Gus sputters around the straw of his smoothie, “there is a huge difference between astrology and astronomy Shawn--”

“Are we talking horoscopes?” Juliet asks with a curious smile as she falls into step beside them, carrying a file folder and a mug of coffee in the other hand as they make their way to the desks. Shawn grins as Gus swallows nervously. 

He likes Juliet.

She's sincere and chipper but there's an edge to her that Shawn can't quite pinpoint where the line is. It also helps that she has enough patience to balance out her partner who has not been subtle about his distaste for Shawn.

Plus, Gus is completely smitten with her.

Juliet is probably the only woman who has laughed at, objectively, every single one of Gus's jokes since they started working together --which is a feat in and of itself. Shawn watches as Gus lifts his hand to rub at the back of his neck, stammering through the account of his interaction at the smoothie place with the counter girl.

Shawn sees the way Juliet deflates slightly, her eyes darting between Gus and the number on the smoothie cup. He shakes his head at the open display of pining. 

It would almost be amusing if Shawn didn't have to hear about how amazing, and funny, and cute, and scary Juliet is every other night from Gus and why someone like her could never go for someone like him --which is bullshit.

Anyone would be lucky to have someone like Gus on their team, and Shawn will champion that argument until the day he dies. 

Besides, if he isn't mistaken, Juliet agrees with his sentiment.

“It just seems so disrespectful to remove its status as a planet after all this time,” Gus sighs, trailing off from his planetary rant.

Juliet nods, “not just to Pluto but to all of us that had to repeat ‘Men Very Easily Make Jugs Serve Useful Needs, Perhaps,’ and not have all the boys in class giggle at the word ‘Jugs’”.

“You get it,” Gus exclaims, elbowing Shawn as he tries in vain to stifle a snicker.

It's not Shawn’s fault that ‘Jugs’ is comedy gold, he doesn't make the rules.

Shawn lets his attention wander from the pair slightly, taking in the neat stacks of paperwork on Juliet’s and Lassiter’s desks, wondering just what cases he might be able to snoop on in preparation for his psychic showcase later, and speaking of the Head Detective it’s a little odd that he isn't in yet. 

Shawn looks at the clock on the wall, it’s nearly 9:30, well past when good ol’ Lassie normally arrives. 

“Boy this place hasn't changed a bit”.

Shawn stills as he registers the voice from across the bullpen.

Oh no.

No, no, no, he's been so fucking careful.

“How long are you sticking around for Detective?” Lassiter's voice floats across the space behind them, “I can show you the new evidence room if you have time?” 

Shawn slowly turns, holding his breath, to see Lassiter walking and talking, hitching his thumb over his shoulder in the direction of the evidence room, with Henry Spencer.

Fuck.

Henry looks very nearly the same, maybe a little thinner than he was the day he left Shawn at the station, definitely more grey and less hair than there had been. The collar on his polo is warped slightly, as though it had been left to air dry on a rack, and the brown leather shoes he's wearing are dull, scuffed at the sides. 

The Henry Spencer who diligently ironed his clothes and shined his shoes every day has seemingly evaporated in the last ten years, replaced with some laid-back facsimile.

Shawn had heard that Henry had retired from Gus, who had heard it from his mother, around the same time that he was supposed to have left Santa Barbara.

Shawn looks closer, taking in the same cool blue eyes, piercing and sharp as he surveys the precinct. 

His dad must just miss his old haunt, the station that was his second home for nearly forty years, that has to be it. 

Henry isn't here for Shawn, he can't be.

But…there was that god damn article he and Gus were mentioned in after the McCallum case. 

Shit.

Shawn closes his eyes and breathes in to try and slow the icy panic sliding up his spine, like he's been dropped off the edge of the pier in January.

He stills again as Henry responds to the Detective, clapping him on the arm with a relaxed grin.

“Nah, I'm in and out Lassiter, just checking in with the old guard on our poker night, you know how it is”. 

Shawn slowly ducks himself behind Gus, as Henry shifts his stance to the Chief's closed office door.

He hasn't seen Henry since that awful night ten years ago, and the thought of seeing his dad here now, of being exposed as a fraud, a liar, a--

Shawn shuts his eyes, and shakes his head as though to erase the thought.

He doesn't need Henry ruining this for him, not when things are finally, finally working for once. He needs to get out of here.

“Gus,” Shawn hisses sharply, interrupting his friend mid sentence, he tucks his head further down, keeping himself angled away from where Henry and Lassiter are still talking. 

Palling around like old chums, god of course they are. Why wouldn't Henry love someone like Lassiter, the complete opposite end of the spectrum where Shawn is concerned. 

“Shawn what?” Gus tries but Shawn flaps both hands out, cutting him off again. 

Juliet frowns at the display, though there is a hint of concern in her gaze as her eyes follow the direction from which he is obviously hiding, landing on Lassiter who is still chatting with his dad.

Everything feels off balance, like he missed a step on the stairs but then the rest of them have given way to let him drop.

“Gus, Henry is here and I need to not be,” Shawn says lowly, “I need a distraction or a miracle, preferably both if you can swing it”.

“Shawn--”

“What kind of distraction?”

Juliet and Gus say at the same time and, hell yes, Shawn knew he liked her for a reason.

“And with zero rehearsal? I am so proud of you two,” Shawn whispers to them, ignoring the way his heart is threatening to jack hammer its way out of his chest.

He clears his throat roughly, swallowing once, “I just need something big enough to get me into the kitchen without being seen?” 

“On it,” Juliet affirms, taking a step towards her desk to drop off the file from one hand, while the coffee cup remains in the other.

She takes a small step away before pausing and turning back to the pair of them, “hold on, this isn't for anything illegal or to do with a case is it?” she asks warily, glancing between Shawn and Gus.

“No,” Gus and Shawn say at the same time.

Juliet nods once and takes off towards Lassiter and Henry with long determined strides.

“Wow,” Gus sighs, hearts in his eyes and Shawn shakes his head at the sight.

God these two.

He breathes out, long and slow, before startling slightly at the commotion behind them. Shawn hazards a glance at Juliet to find her profusely apologizing to Henry for the large brown coffee stain all over his polo while Lassiter watches with a stunned expression on his rapidly reddening face. 

Ho-ly shit, if Gus doesn't lock this girl down, Shawn might have to. They'll have a summer wedding, Shawn thinks a little hysterically as he takes the opportunity to bolt, speed walking to the department kitchen, Gus hot on his heels.

They round the corner out of the bullpen and head down the hall towards the staff kitchen, nearly crashing into Buzz on their way through the narrow door.

“Sorry man,” Gus winces as Buzz just manages to stop coffee from flowing over the side of the cup in his hand as he makes way for them.

“All good, is Shawn okay?” Buzz asks, concern in his voice and expression as he peers back into the kitchen.

Shawn says nothing, biting the inside of his cheek until he tastes copper on his tongue. He breathes out again, long and slow, before taking a short sharp breath in, just like Mrs. Guster taught him. 

“He's fine,” Gus says quickly, “I could smell the fresh pot from the pen so we wanted to jump on that before anyone else”.

Buzz tilts his head at Gus quizzically, “oh that stuff’s old actually, probably from the shift change I think”.

“And that's what…you're drinking?” Gus says slowly, staring at the young officer who beams at the pair of them.

“I know it's not everyone's taste but I love the last cup,” Buzz smiles before taking a long sip from the chipped mug in his hand, “not too hot, plenty bitter and strong, it's great.”

Shawn breathes out a laugh this time as his heart rate finally begins to slow to a more normal pace.

“We'll take your word for it,” Shawn says, rubbing his hand through his hair before reaching for the electric kettle next to the empty coffee pot. It's full of water still, and based on the fresh droplets on the counter, someone filled it recently.

“Glad you're okay Shawn, you'll have to head back soon, apparently we have a visitor that Detective Lassiter is showing around--”

“Thanks Buzz, we'll try,” Gus interrupts smoothly, he's smiling but it's just a little too wide.

Shawn flicks the switch on for the kettle and turns to slump against the counter, crossing his arms over his chest.

Buzz shrugs and gives them a little salute with his mug before turning on his heel to head back to his desk. 

Gus waits a beat before whirling around to Shawn, eyes wide, “why the hell is Henry here?” 

“Why do dolphins tease pufferfish Gus?”

“Because they like to get high?”

“Because they do whatever the hell they want and how should I know how a dolphin thinks,” Shawn bites out as the kettle bubbles and spits behind him.

“I thought he moved away,” Shawn says eventually, chewing on the corner of his lip, “guess he came back”.

Gus grimaces, peeking around the corner of the kitchen for a moment before turning back to Shawn.

“Make me a cup too,” he sighs, reaching a hand up to pinch into his eyes, “you're gonna owe Juliet big time for this, I don't think I've ever seen Lassiter turn that shade of red before”.

“Hey, he should be grateful she spilled on the right asshole,” Shawn mutters as the kettle clicks off automatically. He turns around and reaches for the overhead cupboards to grab two mugs from the shelf.

“Well, your vocabulary hasn't changed much, has it kid?”

Shawn nearly drops both mugs at the sound of his father's voice behind him and the quiet curse Gus blurts out.

Shawn doesn't turn around, keeping his shoulders level as he sets the mugs down and reaches for a random box of tea bags on the counter, looks like Gus will have to settle for green tea this time as much as he hates it. 

“You’d be surprised,” Shawn manages after a long beat of strained silence.

Henry hums, “What, you're not gonna say hello to your old man?”

Shawn bristles, hating the way he can feel his ears begin to heat. He grips the counter to halt the furious tremor in one hand while the other crushes a still wrapped tea bag.

“Detective Spencer did you find--”

Oh good. Lassie is here now too, Shawn thinks viciously.

“I know where the kitchen is Lassiter,” Henry sighs, “I did work here after all”.

“Mr. Spencer,” Gus says, cutting through the strange tension that has begun to spread through the little kitchen, “it's been a while”.

“Burton, yeah it has, how's your mother?”

“My mother?” Gus repeats, confusion in his voice, “she's uh, she's great--”

“I'll bet,” Henry interrupts, “she's certainly something your mother, definitely had a lot to say to me over the years, that's for sure”.

Shawn falters slightly, has Henry been keeping tabs on him this whole time though Mrs. Guster? 

He swallows roughly, still facing the cupboard. Shawn tries to unclench his fist but it won't budge, the paper around the teabag has grown damp now from the sweat on his hand and he can feel the cheap ink from the label rubbing into his palm.

Lassiter clears his throat awkwardly, “uh, Detective, Sargent Bart is ready if you still wanted to meet”.

Henry sighs behind him, Shawn can hear the shift in his stance as he turns back to Gus.

“Well, at least one of you is polite, but you always were a good kid Burton”.

Shawn feels his hackles raise at the same time Lassiter clears his throat again.

“Fine,” Henry says in a clipped, disappointed voice, “Shawn, if you want to talk, you know where to find me”. 

Shawn hears Henry walk away, his shoes scuffing against the floor heading further and further down the hall, and let's his head slowly fall until it connects with the cupboard. 

He lifts his head, just enough to drop it again, connecting with the cupboard door with a muffled thunk before he straightens up, shakes out his shoulders and finally drops the unusable teabag on the counter.

“Guster, what's got your partner so worked up, is being confronted with a real detective just that upsetting?” Lassiter asks as Shawn finally turns around. 

He's still standing next to Gus, his blue eyes tracing over Shawn as though scanning him, smirking slightly.

“Upsetting?” Shawn laughs, but it sounds fake, hollow, “Lassie, Lassie, Lassie, I'm touched you think I'm capable of that kind of emotional intelligence, it’s, well, it's an honour Detective”.

Gus sighs, shaking his head, crossing his arms over his chest as Lassiter rolls his eyes with a huff.

“Then what the hell is your problem, he's your dad isn't he?

“Lassiter--” Gus tries but Shawn beats him to it.

“You really don't remember huh?” Shawn says incredulously, “the first night we met?”

Lassiter tilts his head, blue eyes narrow as he stares at Shawn, “the first? Spencer, that was a few weeks ago?”

Right. 

Shawn had been pretty certain that the Detective didn't remember being there the night Shawn was arrested, and this just confirmed the theory.

He's pretty sure Vick remembers just based on the look in her eyes when she reminded Shawn she had no problem with booking him if he were lying about the psychic thing, she'd processed him before and would do it again to protect the department.

But, it looks like she hasn’t said much of anything to the other Detectives, not about Henry dropping him off or the call he had made to the Gusters while standing behind him, most certainly eavesdropping.

Which should be a relief.

It's not like he’s enthusiastic about people knowing the details of that awful night.

A brief flash of Lassiter’s expression, pained and sympathetic, as he walks up to Shawn in the hallway to ask if he's okay, flashes once before dissipating.

It's…it's good he doesn't remember. 

He doesn't need Lassiter looking at him with anything other than irritation or anger in his very, very, blue eyes--

No. 

That is one thought he'd rather not examine too closely --especially not now with Lassie standing in front of him with his annoyingly observant glare.

Shawn sighs sharply, lifting his hand to pinch his nose before dropping it limply at his side.

“You know what, why don't you run along Lassie, I'm sure there's a boy stuck in a well somewhere that would love your help”. 

Lassiter blinks once, twice, Shawn can see the cogs turning in his head as he moves away from the counter, making his way past the Detective. 

It's the same jab he'd used over ten years ago.

Why the fuck did he say that? 

Shawn halts as he feels Lassiter grab his arm loosely at the elbow, but doesn't turn around.

“Better yet,” Shawn says loudly, the words come out smoothly but at a higher pitch than normal, and Shawn can feel both Gus and Lassiter staring at him.

“Shawn--” Gus tries but Shawn starts moving, pulling his arm from Lassiter's hand with a quick tug.

“You could continue sniffing around Henry,” Shawn calls over his shoulder, “he never wanted a pet when I was growing up but I think he'll just love you”.

He moves a little quicker down the hallway before veering right into another hall.

There are footsteps behind Shawn keeping pace. He steals a quick glance behind him, breathing out a bark of laughter as he meets Gus's harried glare.

“I can't believe you,” Gus hisses as they speed walk their way to the start of the row of individual offices, “I can't believe he didn't murder you right then and there, it's not like you wouldn't have deserved it”.

“I resent that baseless accusation,” Shawn huffs as he continues walking.

“You called him a dog twice--”

“That's the third time technically,” he admits lightly, ignoring the way Gus curses under his breath as they finally reach the foyer.

“Gus, it's fine, we'll leave it for a few days, let Lassie cool down,” Shawn huffs as they pass several uniformed officers heading back into the station.

Maybe if they wait long enough what he had inadvertently let slip to Lassiter will have blown over and Henry will have gotten the hint that Shawn has no interest in speaking to him.

“We wait till they call us, ya know?” He says as they push open the heavy entrance door and the hot afternoon sun hits their faces.

“I'm sure it's already forgotten by now”.

Part Eight Up Now

Tag List: @adaed5 @drakkywolf @newgrangespirals @riverofrainbows @steddierthings @eriquin @newgrangespirals

[damnfandomproblems]

6183:

I truly hate submissions that are worded like this. They're reductive, and they flatten everything that happens online and in fandom to some kind of imaginary fantasy where nothing counts or matters.

A lot of fandom squabbles don't matter outside of fandom. A lot of people spend way too much time online and get upset over trivial crap. Powerleveling doesn't matter. Whose ship is "better" doesn't matter. Fictional characters are fictional and not real. I don't think anyone can deny that.

But let's not kid ourselves by saying all people in fandom somehow aren't "real" (yes, I do know what you're going for there, I don't need to be @'d about it) and therefore everything that happens with people in fandom, and all fandom discourse, is inconsequential. "Stop taking fictional worlds so seriously". Well, a lot of people in fandom would love to, but a pack of dicks rode their ass about how they wrote something and now they're afraid to be creative. Y'know? If you're talking strictly about the first few examples I gave above; poweleveling, ship wars, etc, I would agree with you that it's just dumb stuff to get upset over. But I hate the choice of words here because it's so nonspecific.

So I want to rant for a moment if you'll let me.

Fandom is a microcosm of real life, and especially with young people, who spend a massive amount of time online now, they take what they learn and bring it outside of fandom. Those people running around sending death to someone for writing incest? Being told they're horrible people for writing a homophobic character? A good deal of them are leaving fandom spaces with serious complexes about themselves, and they're going to hurt people. I read about an incident where a young cookie run fan went and bullied another fan, at school, to the point they attempted suicide, and their parents found out, then they found a bunch of horrifying discord interactions where the kid had been getting groomed by a "safe adult". A lot of this shit isn't just "fandom discourse", it's discourse repackaged with fandom wrapping paper and a fandom bow and ribbon. The person who doesn't have friends because they move around a lot and doesn't have a stable situation? They can find stable friends in fandom.

The use of "real person" makes me think of someone who spends all their time online and doesn't have the slightest clue, who doesn't have any perspective with talking to real people, and I'm looking around at my mom and my sister and myself, and the friends I routinely videochat with, and I'm just going… Online fandoms are all people who aren't, as you phrase it, "real"?

But that's my two cents.

Posting as a response to a previous problem.

[roanofarcc]

PROJECT SUNSHINE CHAPTER SIXTY FIVE → BUT SHE’S A CHEERLEADER!

summary: steve harrington x oc

when another product of Hawkins National Laboratory escaped a long-survived nightmare alongside her sister, she crashed into one unsuspecting teenage boy and dragged him deeper into the dark mysteries that made up their hometown.

word count. 3.7k || masterlist

warnings: cannon typical violence, child abuse, horror, gore, and depictions of mental illness. parts of this story were written pre-season 4 release. cannon divergence.

previous chapter ← → next chapter

Tagged: @sattlersquarry, @leptitlu, @two-sides-samecoin, @adaydreamaway30

Steve hauled another stack of VHS tapes into his arms as Robin paced back and forth, not helping him reshelve the movies but instead ranting about her latest date with Tamera. 

“All I’m saying is, this one felt different! It was less ‘we’re just hooking up’ and more ‘this could be an actual relationship,” she said. Steve listened intently as he slotted a collection of horror movies back onto the shelf. He didn’t understand why anyone would willingly watch those kinds of movies, but he supposed most people in Hawkins hadn’t lived their own real-life version of a horror movie like he had. Maybe they needed the thrill; Steve did not. 

He turned around to grab more tapes but stopped at the look twisted up on Robin’s face, something mixed between unsure and worried. “Isn’t that a good thing? You guys could date for real instead of whatever weird back and forth thing you’ve got going on.” 

Steve knew it was more complicated for Robin and Tamera, especially in Hawkins but they could at least admit their feelings for each other. Robin clearly liked Tamera and wanted something more real than whatever causal situation they found themselves in. Granted, Robin had never been in a relationship before and she had confided in Steve that the idea of dating someone was nerve wracking to her. But she deserved to be happy, and Tamera clearly made her happy. Steve wished she just went for it, all in. 

“Yeah,” Robin said with a sigh, stopping her pacing and resorting to picking at the nail polish Steve had just painted on her nails two days ago. “But even if we do date for real, it’s not like I can take her to the prom without being a headline in the Hawkins Post. If any asshole caught a whiff of us being together, they’d start a witch hunt or some shit.” There was a shield of humor in her voice, but Steve knew Robin well enough to hear the fear that sat behind it.  It pissed him off. 

He knew that Hawkins was riddled with assholes of every kind, but the thought of someone coming after his best friend just because she wanted to date happily made him furious. Monsters and evil scientists once inhabited Hawkins but people wanted to draw pitchforks at two girls holding hands. 

“That’s not happening on my watch, Buckley,” he said with a cheeky smile, bumping his shoulder against hers as he collected another arm full of tapes. 

Robin cracked a small smile before parting her lips like she was going to say something, but something behind Steve caught her eye. She squinted and stepped around him, rushing toward the front counter. 

“What’re you doing?” Steve asked. 

Robin turned the volume up on the TV, causing a familiar Hawkins newscaster’s voice to fill the quiet Family Video store. 

“No names of possible suspects are being released at this time. Chief Powell is yet to make an official statement, but as said he will address the town later this afternoon once he knows more. All we know at this time is that it seems to be an isolated incident.” The scene on the TV shifted away from the newscaster and onto a gurney being wheeled down a dirt and gravel road swarmed by officers and paramedics. There weren’t many places in Hawkins that were unfamiliar to Steve. It only took a moment to recognize where the scene took place as trailer homes appeared in the background of the gurney being lifted in the back of an ambulance. 

“Someone died?” Robin questioned with furrowed brows. 

“The name of the victim will also not be released at this time, but it has been confirmed to be a Hawkins High student. We…” the reporter’s voice droned on, but it became fuzzy on Steve’s ears. 

A Hawkins High student. The trailer park. Steve knew it wasn’t rational to jump to the worst possible case scenario. There were a handful of students who lived in the trailer park, but he only knew one for certain. Max. Out of everyone in Hawkins, the worst things tended to happen to their little group. And maybe it was simply unreasonable paranoia, but he couldn’t help that his mind fell there first. 

Panic swelled in his chest as he turned to Robin. “Max,” he muttered, ready to run right out the door and make sure the redhead he somewhat begrudgingly saw as a little sister was okay. Robin sensed his worry, her own face suddenly as pale as her white knuckles that gripped the remote. 

Steve reached for his keys he left in a space under the counter, but as he did so, the bell on the door chimed and Robin let out a loud breath as she grasped his shoulder and pointed to the people who had just entered. 

Dustin and Max rushed toward the counter, both looking a little winded but otherwise fine. Steve let out his own sigh of relief, running a hand through his hair. How he didn’t have gray hairs already was a mystery to him. It felt like the universe was determined to see how much it could stress him out. 

“How many phones do you have?” Dustin asked. 

Unbelievable, Steve thought. “Someone was murdered-” he started to say, but Dustin, in his usual Dustin fashion, cut him off and repeated the question louder than he had the first time. Steve answered, “Two.” 

“Technically three, if you count Keith’s,” Robin added. 

Max glanced at Dustin, nodding her head almost frantically as she said, “Three works.” 

Without another word, Dustin threw his backpack at Steve a bit too forcefully. He then jumped up on the counter ungracefully, knocking over everything setup to the floor as he slid to the other side and hopped down. Steve threw the kid’s backpack to the ground with a huff and Robin started picking up the scattered papers, tapes, and other items Dustin had sent toppling. 

Max, like a normal person, walked around the counter to get behind it and rolled her eyes. 

“What are you doing?” Steve groaned in a familiar frustration. 

“Setting up a base of operations.” He moved in front of the computer and began clicking around. 

Listen, Steve disliked his job, but he didn’t want to get fired. The pay wasn’t great, but he got to work with Robin. Keith was a grade-A asshole, but he spent most of his time either not in the store or tucked away in the backroom playing video games brought from home. If Steve wanted to save enough money to escape Hawkins, he needed to keep his job, but the kids liked to make that a lot harder than it should have been. 

“Get off,” Steve snapped. “You guys aren’t even allowed to be back here.” He didn’t know why he tried; it wasn’t like they were going to listen to him. 

Dustin replied, “I need it!” 

“For what?” Robin asked, shuffling the fallen papers back into a neat pile. 

“Eddie’s friends’ numbers.” 

If it was possible to roll your eyes so hard they fall out, Steve would have done just that. The mere mention of Eddie pricked his skin, no matter how stupid he knew he was being. “Oh, you mean your new best friend who you think is cooler than me because he plays your nerdy game?” 

Dustin dramatically swung his head to look in Steve’s direction and threw his hands up. “I never said that!” He definitely did, Steve was almost positive. 

“Seriously, guys? Maybe on Monday you can play around here but it’s Saturday. It’s our busiest day,” Robin said. The Family Video store was set to get busy in an hour or two as the weekend rush filled in, looking for movies to watch for date night, sleepovers, and to cure loneliness. 

Dustin returned his attention to the computer, scrolling through a list of customers that had rented from the store before. “I empathize with you, Robin,” he said. “But this can’t wait.” 

“Oh my god,” Steve muttered. What he needed was Sunshine to come home and make the kids actually listen. They only seemed to care about what she had to say or told them to do, but she was still in Indy, much to his disappointment. And now there was a murderer in Hawkins, which made him feel even better. 

“Calling Eddie’s friends is an emergency?” Robin questioned. 

“Correct.” 

Steve moved beside Robin and helped her reorganize the tapes into their correct piles. He asked her, “Do you want me to strangle him, or do you want to?” 

“We could take turns?” 

With an annoyed huff, Dustin asked Max, “Can you fill them in while I do this?” 

Steve and Robin exchanged a confused look before the latter said, “Fill us in on what?” 

→←

The car ride back to Hawkins was tense and quiet, nothing the radio softly playing as the world whirled by. Sunshine fingers had played with the neckline of her shirt, where her necklace should have been, so much that the stitching started to come loose. 

She, Kali, and Calum had changed clothes at some lonely gas station just outside of Indy. Their bloodstained clothes were tossed in a dumpster and forgotten. 

As they rolled past the ‘Welcome to Hawkins’ sign, a headache bloomed behind Sunshine’s eyes. She winced and grasped her head, pressing her fingers into the skin in an attempt to ease the pain just slightly by applying pressure. 

“Where are we going now?” Kali asked, looking for directions as she eyed the road with a hard-set gaze. Her knuckles were white as she held onto the steering wheel. 

Checking the time on her watch, Sunshine knew where Steve and Robin would be for certain. 

She should have arrived home sooner, but it took them more time to escape Indy than she thought. They had to stop once to change their clothes, a second time to eat something, and a third because no one could keep their eyes open long enough to drive safely. After a quick nap, they hit the road in the morning, but Kali avoided the interstate and opted for backroads just in case someone was on their tail. By that time, Sunshine was more than ready to be home. 

“Steve and Robin will be at work. We’ll stop there first before we try to tack down Nancy,” she answered. “Stay on this road until you hit the next stop sign, then make a right.” 

Kali nodded and continued on through her clear discomfort for being back in Hawkins. 

Glancing in the rearview mirror, Sunshine saw Calum, who hadn’t uttered a word since their confrontation in the alley. He sat with his head turned and eyes fixed out the window, lost somewhere inside his head. There was a lot they needed to figure out, both in the grand scheme of things and between the three of them. Sunshine sure the best place to do that was in Hawkins. 

For the longest time, she had felt the need to carry everything on her own shoulders, but since relearning what a normal life was, she had learned to lean on others inside of drowning. They only solved things together, not alone. They defeated monsters together, not by themselves. As long as everyone worked together, she was sure they could put a final end to the Lab and everything else that had occurred as a result of it. 

Sunshine took a deep breath before she turned around and spoke to Calum. “Are you coming with us?” Her voice was careful but not too kind. 

He didn’t look away from the window as he said, “If we find my dad, can I at least talk to him?” His voice, on the other hand, sounded of a hurt child, abandoned and spirit broken. 

Sunshine glanced at Kali, who sighed in response before saying, “I can’t make any promises.” Calum’s figure slumped. “But I won’t say no.” 

It wasn’t much, but in Sunshine knew anything about Calum, if you gave him an inch, he’d try to take a mile. “Okay,” he said, flatly, in agreement to tag along. 

The car fell back into silence, aside from Sunshine’s directions. The sky was bright blue, the kind of color that brought hope after a long and gray winter. Maybe it was a warm welcome home. Her heart was happy to be back with those who she shared it with, but her head arched uncomfortably. She blamed it on a lack of restful sleep and her bout of angry emotions clouding her being. 

“Um, guys?” Calum piped up, leaning between the two front seats with an odd sense of urgency and he squinted out the windshield. He pointed ahead at a helicopter that appeared overhead, a blemish in the pretty sky. The helicopter hovered for a moment, not too far away, just beyond a cluster of trees. They watched for a moment before it started to descend. “That’s a military copter.” 

“How do you know that?” Kali asked. 

“They’re not exactly subtle.” 

Sunshine furrowed her brows. She had only seen a military helicopter once, after Starcourt. Owens and his “backup” had arrived in helicopters. After relocating the Byers-Hopper clan, Owens fell off the map. If he was back in Hawkins, Sunshine felt like she would know about it. Or she had missed something major in the twenty-four hours she had been gone. And with Hawkins' track recorded, that wasn’t impossible. 

Still, she asked the question all three of them were thinking, “Why would the military be in Hawkins?” 

Calum shook his head. “Because this place fucking sucks.” 

Sunshine all but sprinted through the doors of the Family Video store. The bell dinged, signaling a customer's arrival. The usual monotone drone of Steve or Robin’s greeting before they realized it was her and not a regular customer didn’t sound. Instead, a collection of voices filled her ears, and she was welcomed by the sight of Max, Robin, and Dustin all talking on phones. 

It was Max who noticed her first, as she hung up her phone. “Oh, thank God,” the redhead said. 

Steve’s head popped up from behind one of the shelves he seemed to be restocking, and a grin filled his face before he made his way over to Sunshine. Without a word, she hugged him tightly, relief flooding her veins after her troublesome twenty-four hours. He was warm and smelled like a mix of candy, dust, and cologne. Though it had only been a day, she realized how intertwined he and the rest of the group had come in her day-to-day life. 

A low chuckle sounded from Steve before he pressed his lips to the crown of her head. “Miss me that much, Sunshine?” 

She really didn’t want to let go of him, and she wanted to pretend that two people weren’t dead and it was more or less partly her fault. The more she had thought about it, they were probably followed, leading whoever was killing the people from Lab right to the two men. They were playing the same game of revenge as Kali, but Sunshine hadn’t agreed to play. She just wanted answers and to understand the memories she had somehow forgotten. Was it another kid from the Lab like Kali? Was it someone who had worked at the Lab themselves? There were so many unanswered questions it made Sunshine dizzy. 

Leaning back just slightly from her boyfriend, he caught sight of the frown on her lips, which gave her away almost instantly. 

“What’s wrong?” he asked. 

A lot of things, she wanted to answer, but she refrained as Robin hung up her phone with a loud ‘clang’ and said, “Calum?” 

The boy stood awkwardly with his hands in his pockets, leaving a good distance between himself and Kali. “Hey…” 

“Guys! We need to focus!” Dustin shouted. He shot a small smile at Sunshine. “We’re glad you're back, but we’ve got a problem on your hands that we gotta take care of.” 

Sunshine tried to shake off her own issues for a moment, turning her focus on what Dustin had just said. “Problem? What problem?” A pit had been stuck in her stomach since yesterday, but she hoped it would lessen once she arrived home, not get worse. But any issue in Hawkins was almost never small. 

Slinging an arm around Sunshine’s shoulder, pulling her into his side. Between him and Robin, they explained how there had been a murder that morning and Max was almost certain the victim was Chrissy Cunningham, a polite cheerleader who Sunshine had passed by in the halls of Hawkins High. The last person the cheerleader had been seen with, according to Max, was Eddie Munson. Despite that, Dustin was certain Eddie didn’t kill Chrissy. 

“Yeah, there’s no way,” Calum added. “I’ve been in the Hellfire Club with Eddie since freshman year. He’s not a murderer. An asshole sometimes, sure, but not a murderer.” 

Max piped up and said, “But we don’t know that for sure. Which is why we’re trying to find him and figure out exactly what happened last night.” 

Kali, who had been quiet, looked at Sunshine. “So, there’s a murderer on the loose?” 

Of course there was. She begged Kali to come to a place that held the worst years of her life with a promise that it was safer now, only to drag her back into a possibly dangerous situation. She wanted to curse the universe for its awful timing. 

“Not exactly…” Dustin looked hesitant, like he didn’t want to say whatever he was about it. 

“Then what, exactly?” Kali asked. 

He looked between her and Sunshine. “I’m sorry, who is she?” 

“Oh, right,” Sunshine said with a shake of her head. “Everyone meet Kali. Kali, meet everyone.” It was a less than enthusiastic introduction given the circumstances. 

“Kali? Like the Kali who Luke and Leia used to live with?” Max asked, eyes wide. Sunshine nodded in response. 

“Is she up to speed?” asked Dustin. 

It was Sunshine’s turn to be confused. “On what?” 

“We think, maybe, it wasn’t someone who killed Chrissy,” Max started to explain. “We think it might have been…something…” 

Max’s words were heavy, hitting Sunshine with an unknown force she hadn’t been expecting. The headache behind her eyes pulsed, as if it had a heartbeat. Steve’s arm around her shoulder shifted as he said, “Hey.” He brought his hand up to her face, running his thumb under his nose with a face full of pinched concern. When he pulled it away, blood stained the pad of his finger. “Your nose is bleeding?” 

Muttering under her breath, she broke away from Steve and reached for a tissue on the counter. Eyes fell onto her, but none more than Max, who stared at Sunshine with her wide blue eyes almost uncomfortably intense. 

Sunshine tried to shake off any concern. “It was a long night,” she said, blaming her less than ideal trip to Indy as the reason for her nosebleed. They started happening randomly after Starcourt, following the overuse of her abilities. Dr. Owens had blamed it on stress, and Sunshine didn’t have any reason to think otherwise. 

The blood stopped flowing after a moment and she returned her attention to the group. Level headed. She needed to stay level headed. She couldn’t lose it when one of her peers was head and the kids were already ready to get involved. She had promised Kali that Hawkins was different now, and she foolishly tricked herself into believing the same, that maybe that time, the monsters were really gone for good. 

“We shouldn’t jump to conclusions yet,” Sunshine said, looking between Max and Dustin. 

The latter countered. “We don’t exactly have a great track record of something weird not being…you know, almost the end of the world. Something could still be happening here.” 

Robin shook her head. “Even with the gate-thingy closed?” 

Dustin shrugged his shoulders. “The rules we play by are D&D rules, right? But we don’t really know the rules the Upside Down plays by.” 

The mere mention of the Upside Down made her sick to her stomach. Her muscles constricted, remembering the pain of what she felt last summer, holding off the Mind Flayer. 

“I still think we could be jumping the gun here,” Steve said. “We don’t know anything yet.” 

“That’s why we need to find Eddie,” said Max. 

“I know where he probably is,” Calum sighed. “Trust me, there’s only one place he could be.” 

Everyone rushed to gather their belongings to set out in their search for Eddie. Sunshine shoved a handful of tissues in her pocket as Kali approached her. 

“I’m sorry,” were the first words out of Sunshine’s mouth. Her shoulders slumped with tiredness and defeat. “I didn’t know this is what we’d come back to. If you want to leave, I get it.” 

Kali still looked indifferent with her arms crossed over her chest and her black makeup smudged under her dark eyes. “I will never understand your and Jane’s loyalty to this place,” she started. “The Lab is responsible for the messes here. The monsters Jane had told me about, the Upside Down. Yet, you’re still here, cleaning up after them. Why waste your time?” 

Sunshine looked past Kali, looking at Dustin and Max who shouldered their backpacks with steeled determination fixed on their young faces that had seen too much. She looked at Steve, who smiled when he realized she caught him looking at her. And she looked at Robin, who mumbled to herself as she quickly worked to close down the store so they all could leave and look for Eddie, risking her employment for the second time in less than a year to help them out. 

“We’re not loyal to Hawkins,” Sunshine said. “It’s about the people. Our friends. Our family. And because…” she trailed off with a sigh, wearing a sad smile. “Because no one else will.” 

The group all headed for the door, ready to go. Kali shifted in her boots, thinking. “Your friends are leaving,” she said. “We should get going.” 

Sunshine blinked, confused. “You’re coming with us?” 

“For now.” 

That was good enough for Sunshine.