#I need to stop ranting about shit that happens in my life to my friends

[missmouse43]

6 weeks of breathing clean air, I still miss the smoke…..

🏝️🤙🏄🏾‍♀️🏄🏼‍♂️💔

[my-thirteenth-reason]

kicking my feet and giggling (<- just got apologised to)

[coco-loco-nut]

loml

pairing: max verstappen x reader

summary: a journey through your relationship with max

a/n: so for a little background... my ex (he wasn't an F1 fan, it was never gonna work, let's be real) broke up with me the night before this album was released, so writing this series has been very healing; however, this one was extremely difficult to write bc it's the only song i can't analytically listen to and find the deeper meanings yet, especially after losing your first love. sorry for the rant and making this short🙃

tw: emotional abuse, manipulation

masterlist ttpd masterlist part two

________

You and Max were fan favorites, it was evident to anyone with eyes who had eyes. But they say you never know what happens behind closed doors.

“She’s the love of my life,” Max would always say about you, looking at you like you held the universe in the palm of your hand. His fans could recite your love story by heart from how much he loved to talk about you. It only made sense that he could shatter that public opinion.

“Y/n and I have divorced, I would like to ask for privacy as we navigate the changes,” Max posted one day, his socials wiped of everything. Your accounts remained the same, your last post being from the fateful race months ago. You haven’t posted since. The fans should’ve realized when the WAGs and George unfollowed Max.

Your apartment was full of things that reminded you of Max, every time you walked in it reminded you of every memory. He was embroidered in everything. You look at a printed photo of when you first met him. Despite it being six months later, you couldn’t get rid of him.

~~~

All it took was locking eyes with him across the pier for you to fall in love on that breezy summer day. He walked up to you and asked you to join him, and you did. You kissed him at the top of the ferris wheel later that night, and you didn’t even know he was famous all you knew was that he made you feel safe. The breeze reminded you of the warm ocean breeze from that day, one you called the winds of fate.

Despite being young, you married him after a year of being together. Things weren’t perfect even then, he could be incredibly mean, but he was also a standup guy when it mattered. That erased any wrongdoing of his.

“You have made me a better man, you reformed me, the love of my life,” Max had said that fall evening, repeating the one line that brought you back to him every time.

You believed his words, his lies spun to make you believe the hell you were living in was actually heaven. When he takes his anger out at you, doesn’t defend you against his father, you start to second guess him but he calls you those four words.

“I’ll never leave you, Schatje,” Max holds you in his arms, your back against his chest as you both look at a tv in the Paddock. The fans loved that photo, calling your love legendary. They didn’t know about the growing hole in your heart.

Your marriage was looking like one of those black and white movies you and Max watch on snowy winter afternoons. You and Max had been talking about starting a family, but you couldn’t get pregnant and you were watching everything you loved slip away.

“God, Max, you are like a con-man. I feel like I’ve been sold a get-love-quick scheme. What happened to you?” you ask, voice laced with hurt, during an argument about it. Max just ignored you, pushing past to stream with some friend. He ignored the sobs coming from your bedroom. He told the chat that you are the love of his life when asked about you.

“Y/n, we need to talk,” some of the WAGs pulled you aside during a race. They told you how Max was shit talking you to other drivers, saying you were a waste of a wife for your inability to get pregnant, saying he should’ve never married you, pointing out every flaw he told you was beautiful when he was lying to your face. You stand up and leave, not saying a word even when the girls try to stop you. Max is confused but simply responds to your text saying you were sick with an okay.

You are laying in your bed sobbing when Max gets back from the race. You face the terrace, where you and Max would dance under the stars. You can see the ghosts of it through your tears, and you wished you could un-recall when you thought you had everything.

“Please get out of bed,” Max says, his concerned tone laced with venom. Maybe the ghosts of your relationship are embarrassed by the scene on the other side of the glass.

“No,” you cry, mourning the loss of your counterfeit relationship.

“I’ll be back in a few hours,” Max sighs leaving the room. You sent a text to the WAG group chat who helped you remove all your belongings from Max’s apartment into George’s apartment that he wasn’t using at the moment.

Your phone is flooded with messages from Max, so you turn it off unless you are talking to your lawyer. Max finds a divorce petition and your apartment key on the dining room table when he comes home from training a few days later. The relationship that had such a valiant roar ended with the blandest goodbye.

You sit in George’s apartment with Carmen and Lily drinking wine. You took over George’s lease after they insisted that you did.

“For someone who claims to be a lion, he sure is a manipulative coward,” Carmen says as the three of you comb through the years of lies he spun.

You took the dreams that you thought you and Max wanted and lit the match to destroy them with your divorce papers. Despite your somber eyes, you seem more at peace, even with the sadness you will carry with you until you die.

“He’s the loss of my life.”

part two

[sonotkari]

Meaningless

Hanni Pham x Fem reader

[ Synopsis ]

When, Where, and How did you and Hanni become so close? What was the start of the yapping duo's relationship?

Fluff

[ Word Count ]

1.6k

[ a/n ]

I'm struggling with my other fics so in the meantime I'm dropping this off to feed my children (I'm sorry I just need MORE TIME) This was just something I wrote without my two brain cells actually functioning so heads up for that info! /ᐠ｡ꞈ｡ᐟ\

My dearest and my loved ones dis for u bae <3

Somewhere in your mind, you'd wonder how everything started but never recall the moment. Maybe it was that one time way back in March when she sent you a picture of pudding flavor ice cream because apparently, it reminded her of you. Or maybe it was when you ranted about how you had volleyball practice almost every day with no breaks making you lose your shit soon. The question of how you became so close with Hanni had come up in your mind from time to time but it would always end up with no answer. It's really not that big of a deal, where an answer was needed asap, no, it was like those shower thoughts or maybe those random questions coming up in your head at 3 am while listening to music on your headphones, something like that. Regardless, whatever or however the conversation started, you were very grateful for it because now you have someone on your side who would listen to your random yappings whether it was about that hallway crush or that annoying History teacher who mostly talks about his life rather than teaching the class. 

The memory recalls when that one time she asked about your MBTI which was trending off at that time for who knows why. You did it once before it became popular and didn't think much of it since you never really understood a thing. You just did it anyway because TikTok told you so. So why not? But to think of it now, you made a good life choice of taking a 15-minute survey with just two of your brain cells working. Because now you both were texting each other nonstop knowing you were matching MBTI's with her. "I knew it. You sound like an INFP" "What's that even supposed to mean" And in the very end, Hanni fell asleep in the middle of texting, debating whether fairies are real or not. 

Most of the time the text messages and everything else were random. Except for that one time when she got into a (not so) fight with her best friend, giving her the cold shoulder. It was about something that triggered her which made her feel uneasy. You remember clearly how Hanni had asked you to come to school earlier than you usually did because she wanted company. And how she confessed she wanted to get things back to how it used to be with her best friend while crying on your shoulder in the bathroom. Encouraging her to speak her feelings to her best friend, after some days she was smiling excitedly rushing her way to you, grabbing your arms, saying she finally "did it" telling her best friend how she felt, and now they're back on track. 

In class, she would be seated beside you and always giggle about small little things making you hold on for your dear life to not suddenly burst out laughing in the middle of the session because, for some reason, you were so easily affected by her. Her smile makes you smile, her laugh makes you laugh, and her cheeky grin addressed to you makes you roll your eyes and look at her in a sidelong look with a small smirk on your lips. Others would point out or look at you both with dumbfounded expressions because you both wouldn't stop giggling every 5 minutes and everyone in class already knew whose voices the giggles belonged to because of how frequently it would happen. 

It was before summer break had started and you were ranting at Hanni about how you won't be seeing each other once the break starts. "You'll miss me, right?" became a habit of yours to say in your everyday convos, and her replying with a "Will I tho?" made you smack the girl's arm as a set, and that also became another one of your (bad?) habits. You wanted to squeal and jump around hearing her respond "Of course" to your ask if you could randomly call her because of how you'd probably miss her a lot and feel sad out of the blue due to the lack of her presence. Talking on a call wasn't your thing because you only have two brain cells that don't function well and you left your vocabulary somewhere making you end up in a stuttering mess but, you'd rather be a stuttering mess to Hanni than spend 2 months without hearing her voice. 

One memory from another, you recall another happy moment with her. She was in the cheerleading team and you promised you'd see her cheer on the day of the game but sadly you got a high fever the night before and had to inform her you couldn't get to see her first cheer on her first game. You couldn't help but think about the disappointment in the girl's face especially when she was eager for you to come and watch. The temperature got a bit better the next day and you were debating to yourself. Yes, your head was panging in pain, yes your body was a bit hot, and yes you feel numb moving and basically doing anything. But will it be worth it to bear everything just so you could see Hanni's surprised happy expression when you go and watch her? Oh yes. You know damn well everything's worth it when it's about Hanni. 

There you were in a rushing mess, running around your room while trying to get dressed, finding the other lost pair of socks while holding a cooling gel sheet for your forehead in your hand. Running wasn't good for you since it'll make your temperature go high again but all the rushed efforts will go to waste if you missed it. Is there any other choice? Of course not, silly. By the time you got to the gates of the school, all you could hear was the rhythmical beat of your heart with your panting, trying to calm yourself before you entered the gym. Of course, she was the one who noticed you first. There it was. The face. The expression. The dimples that would show every time she smiled. Excitedly rushing to you and showering you with questions about your fever state. "Weren't you not feeling well? What are you doing here― are you okay? Are you about to pass out?" "I just couldn't miss your cheer. I for sure would've regretted it if I stayed home" Your (maybe not so bad) habit had definitely influenced her as you felt a gentle smack on your arm along with a soft giggle from the girl.

The leaves began to lose their vibrant colors, crisping up and slowly falling down with the cold breeze flowing by in November. You asked Hanni to go out and hang out in this cafe your friend told you that had the best pudding in town, which she happily agreed to, and now both of you were walking in circles at the same place lost. Having no sense of direction and the Google map not being useful at all, you decided to give up going to the place. But someone doesn't seem to be happy about it. "What do you mean, let's go to a different shop?" "No, it's fine we can just go in another time. Besides it's cold and you're not very good with the cold" You looked at the flushed red tip of Hanni's ears and nose as you mumbled. "I'm not giving up. You were so excited about the pudding, so we're going to eat that goddamn pudding" And now you were walking again with Hanni by your side but this time, you were holding hands to "keep me warm if you're that worried" 

"What are you smiling so giddily about?" You snap out of the memories and look at the girl looking at you with concerned looks. "You look creepy to be honest babe..." "Oh shut up" Replying with a playful snicker you stood up from your seat and walked your way to your girlfriend hugging her from the side, resting your chin on her shoulder. "Hey, do you remember how we became friends?" Shifting your gaze to her, slightly tilting your head as you asked so. "Uhh... I don't... think so..." She now looked at you with a puzzled look. "I think we just went with the flow" "Haha, wow I went with the flow and got a girlfriend? Must be a mastermind then" Smackng your arm, Hanni outed a chuckle. "Hey, remember when I used to smack you like that a lot but now we switched positions" "Oh I'm definitely influenced by you. Bad and good" You mocked an offended expression, holding your chest dramatically. "What's that supposed to mean...!?" Hanni laughed again and went back to making her coffee. "I definitely remember that one time you came to see me cheer with a fever" It was your turn to out a chuckle hearing her recall the memory. "Hey how about that one time we went out but then got lost midway?" "Yeah, and you insisted on finding the place, even making excuses to hold my hand" "Aaahhh shush! Shut up! I was 16 leave me alone!!" Hanni sheepishly laughed which made you laugh again as well. 

"We had meaningless conversations all the time, talking about random stuff" Sighing softly as you linger your thoughts about your past friendship with Hanni. "What do you mean, meaningless?" Hanni was now stirring her coffee, blowing it occasionally as she fixed her gaze at you. "All the conversations we had, meant everything to me" She took a sip of her coffee along with a sigh and stared at you again. You could feel the affection from her gaze and can't help but feel your chest get warmer every second with the small smile and the little dimples on her cheeks showing.

Every moment we spent together means more than anything to me than you'll ever know. 

Hanni secretly, quietly thought to her mind, while smiling at the woman she loved most.

yappers falling inlove r so cute

[wynnyfryd]

Trailer park Steve AU pt 56

part 1 | part 55 | ao3

March

"Steve, honey," Claudia calls from the living room, where he can hear her shuffling around to get her things ready for work — the rustle of a jacket, the clink of keys against her thermos. "Do you need anything before you go?"

"I'm fine, Ma!" Steve answers.

And he is. He is fine. It’s been three weeks, and Steve is fine! He has a date tonight with a girl he doesn’t care about, and he's gonna cheer on Lucas at the championship game, and the other day at work he got a fifty cent per hour raise. And sure, his nightmares are worse than ever and his head aches all the time, and he’s had some weirdly persistent sinus infection or some shit going on, but he only teared up once this week while jerking off to thoughts of Eddie, so.

All in all, not bad.

He shoves a plain bagel in his mouth and rushes to leave the house; passes Claudia on the way out, who's now rapping her knuckles impatiently against Dustin’s door and asking, “Dusty, what’s going on in there? You’re gonna be late!" to which Dustin replies with a panicked shriek: “DON’T COME IN, I’M NAKED!”

Jesus Christ. "Deafen my other ear, why don't you?" Steve mutters under his breath.

He throws Ma a parting wave and heads out to pick up Robin so he can take her to school before his shift starts. She looks nicer than usual, and she won’t stop reapplying her mascara, and by the time Object of My Desire starts playing on the radio Steve is practically begging her to just suck it up and end this will-they-won’t-they thing with Vickie because it’s been months of obvious flirting and Robin still won’t make a move.

“I listen to you, and now look at me!” he argues, as if the handful of pointless dates he’s used to distract himself from Eddie are anything to look at. “Boom. Back in business.“

“Mm,” she objects, a little ‘you’re so full of shit’ frown on her face. “Not the same thing.”

Don’t say it, you bitch, don’t even—

“You ask out a girl and she says no…”

Oh, thank fuck. Steve sags in relief and licks the corner of his mouth as he listens to her rant, grateful that she’s just working the small town homophobia angle and very graciously not pointing out how half-hearted and sad his attempts to move on with his life have been. It’s a small mercy he repays by rambling about girls and boobies and girls who definitely like boobies until she scowls so hard at him that she smudges her mascara and has to apply another coat.

—

Dustin calls the store some time around lunch. Asks if Steve wants to sub in for Lucas at tonight’s Hellfire campaign, which, first of all, fuck you — he’s been helping Lucas practice for months now, he’s not about to miss this game — and secondly:

“What, to hang out with you and Eddie the Freak Munson?” he asks, idly playing with a slinky. “Uh, yeah. I’ll pass.”

"Dude."

"What?"

"You can’t just call him names because you’re pissed at him! That’s not cool!”

Steve rolls his eyes and tugs the slinky so hard it flops off the counter’s edge.

“Look,” Dustin says, his voice dipping into that low and slow and trustworthy thing that makes Steve want to snap the kid’s non-existent collarbones. “I know you won’t tell me what happened, but whatever it was, he’s sorry, okay? He’s really, really sorry. And he asks me about you, like, every day; if I didn’t know any better I’d swear he was in love with you or something.” Steve chokes on his own spit, and Dustin just keeps going; steps right over Steve’s corpse to continue his impassioned plea. “Besides, friends forgive each other! Right, Steve?”

Goddammit. Steve really regrets saying those exact words in that exact order the last time Lucas and Dustin had a fight. “Man, you can’t just use my own brotherly advice against me.”

“I can, and I will.” Wow. What a little shit. “Seriously, dude, come on! How many times do I have to pass on his apology messages before you just talk to him?”

How many times? How many times?

Steve doesn’t know.

He just knows he’s not ready; knows that as soon as he talks to Eddie, it’ll make it all real. It’ll be over for good. Whatever words they exchange next will get etched into the headstone of the thing they briefly had. He opens his mouth to say something, to try and make sense of the vortex in his head, but all he gets for the effort is a fresh migraine coming on.

He’s saved from answering by the doorbell’s chime. “I got some customers,” he says over Dustin's squawk of protest. “Gotta call you back, bye.”

—

part 57

tag list in separate reblogs under '#trailer park steve au taglist' if you'd like to filter that content. if you want to be added please comment and let me know (must be over 21; please either verify in the comment or have your age visible on your blog)

[lurkingshan]

Only Friends: Fight Night

Another excellent episode, this time with everyone at each other’s throats. So much happened, so let’s break down the big fights and shifting allegiances.

Round 1: Sand vs Top

Phew, Sand really hates Top. I am dying for the backstory on the ex Top stole from him. I loved how this scene showcased Top’s two faces: the boyfriend mask he wears with Mew, and this nastiness that comes out with others. I think both faces are real to an extent, but it cannot be denied that he is lying and hiding parts of himself from Mew. I don’t think Mew would be happy to hear the way Top talks about him, flaunting him as a conquest he won. Sand’s disdain for Top and the way he operates could not be more clear, and his smug attitude in this scene gave Sand the push he needed to do something with the ammunition he has.

Winner: Sand, but Top doesn’t know it yet.

Round 2: Ray vs Boston

Ray walked into this scene with the upperhand, and we saw a moment of real fear on Boston’s face when he realized Ray knew about him fucking Top. But he recovered quickly and turned it around on Ray easily, hitting on his insecurities about Mew and accusing him of only wanting Mew to know so he could break up his relationship and try to get with him again. He called him disgusting (Boston’s favorite insult), and clearly, that was a direct hit, because Ray teared up and disassembled immediately. 

Winner: Boston. Don’t fuck with a fucker, Ray.

Round 3: Cheum vs Boston and Ray

Cheum got her passive aggressive on in this scene and made a bunch of passive aggressive digs at her “friends.” I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: everyone in this friend group is an asshole (run for your life, April!) and none of them seem to actually like each other much. After encouraging Boston to bring Nick and promising to be on her best behavior, she called him a “heartless slut” in front of the guy she claims she wants him to date, and then started picking on Ray for being single and condescended to him about finding someone, teeing up Boston to add insult to injury. Classic mean girl behavior.

Winner: Cheum, but not for long.

Round 4: Ray vs Everyone

As soon as Ray started chugging his liquor after his friends were mean to him, I knew we were in for some chaos, and he did not disappoint. Shots fired at every one of them, except for his most beloved Mew. Unfortunately, his drunk and high ass couldn’t get it together to coherently explain what he was ranting about in front of the crowd, but in the end it didn’t matter because he had already delivered the important information to Mew in the bathroom. Boston deserved it and I didn’t even feel bad for Cheum, she brought that shit on herself. Insulting Sand and offering him money for sex in front of everyone, though? Fucking ouch.

Winner: Ray, but in his typical fashion, he also lost.

Round 5: Sand vs Ray

Sand is the cause of this whole mess, but he seems distressed to see Ray in this state. I don’t know what he thought would happen when he gave Ray this ammunition, knowing how he feels about Mew and how little self-control he has, so I was rolling my eyes a little at his insistence that Ray stop thinking about Mew. You sewed this chaos, sir! Don’t light the match and then make a shocked Pikachu face when you start a fire! After having already hurt him in front of everyone in the bar, Ray rejected Sand and his help brutally, calling him a whore and throwing him to the ground, and then got in his car to wreak havoc on the road. Ray is focused on Mew and simply does not care about Sand’s feelings, and Sand can’t seem to stop trying to protect Ray from his own self-destruction no matter how many times he’s rejected.

Winner: No one, this is all around fucked.

Round 6: Mew vs Top

Mew, my boy, I didn’t know you had it in you! Throughout that scene I was shaking my head, wondering how he could have possibly missed the implication of what Ray was saying and whether he just won’t believe anything Ray says, and then as the sex scene started and he was more bold and confident than usual, I was like what is going o—oh shit! Mew, that was brilliant. I loved seeing him catch Top off guard like that, and given that he already knew before he went home with him, he was clearly giving Top one last chance to come clean and stop lying. Top failed the test, Mew is righteously pissed and genuinely hurt, and for once, Top is out of his depth with no idea how to fix his mistake. 

Winner: Mew. 

And Mew isn’t done, because next week we finally get to see him set some things on fire and kick Boston into the pool. Friends, I can hardly wait.

[lawlightautismtruther]

SUPER LONG LAWLIGHT DYNAMIC ANALYSIS RANT (THIS MOSTLY ONLY APPLIES TO THE ANIME)

It’s really not that serious, but there’s more to my thesis of L being a sub/bottom than just blorbo yaoi fuel. I‘ll call back to my post about L’s true emotional vulnerability that most viewers seem to miss, because on a surface level (especially when coming from the manga and when trusting the words of Obha at face value) you may see L as detached and cold. You’re supposed to think that L is unfeeling at FIRST but post-confinement/pre-yotsuba, the truth starts to seep out. L could have had Light convicted after seeing that no more criminals were dying since locking him up, but he didn’t. Even Aizawa admitted that it was enough evidence. You know it’s real when Aizawa agrees with Matsuda, lmfao.

Anyway, after this point, L and Light actually really start to bond. (I pretty much see lawlight as subtextual canon) L, not really needing to do this because of his access to surveillance, handcuffs himself to Light Yagami. He doesn’t want to be apart from him. I actually find it to be a comedically obvious act of desperation.

My point is, Light is winning the game, and L is letting him do it out of what I believe is love. L has found the one person in his life (besides maybe Naomi) that he really feels any sort of connection to, and therefore he would hate to watch that person die. L is inarguably a vulnerable character imo. If you rewatch the the series, outside of his internal monologues, he’s actually extremely soft-spoken and coy.

“Oh, uh, well it was nice meeting you”

“Light, please make Misa stop talking now.”

You get the point. He’s nervous. He’s super frail and holds himself very compactly, he walks with his eyes on the ground usually. He shakes when Aizawa lays a hand on him. He is terrified of shinigami. I think his coldness is an act to protect himself. I really do, because he knows how much things actually do affect him. In order to continue with cases, he has to pretend like none of it really matters to him. And he almost believes it at this point, too— hence his monster speech.

But then there’s Light Yagami. A worthy individual to truly understand L. He comes along, actually treats L like a human being (be it an act, I believe it still feels good to L, who has been treated like a robot his entire life), of course L is bound to at the very least see him as a friend.

I don’t believe L’s external behavior towards Light is an act. He didn’t have to be kind, he didn’t have to pretend it was a friendship. He had zero professional reason to do so. In fact, it very much made the case a harder one to solve. If we take L’s character at face value, he would have scrapped all of the fluffy shit (like asking Light to go get cake with him, telling Light he was his only friend knowing damn well Light wouldn’t budge regardless, etc.) Adding a friendship into the mix only complicates the process of trying to read Light.

As much as L the detective hates to lose, L the person is desperate. If he really hated to lose, why did he let himself? He’s submitting to Light’s will and THAT is what kills him. On the day he dies, he knows it will happen, but still, he treats Light with kindness. Sure, he asks him if he’s ever told the truth once in his life, but after that, he pretty much gives up prying. That’s it. He’s put his gun down. Since he’s going to die anyway, he might as well just enjoy being around Light. I know for a fact that he is smart enough to have come up with some sort of plan to convict Light post-Higuchi. There’s a book about that. But canonically, he didn’t do it. Notice also how L goes to Watari before he dies for comfort. L is really such a sad character.

The crux of his character is his submissiveness, hence why I’m such a proponent of that ship dynamic. Its not just a wet-dream, it’s something I sensed in their dynamic to begin with. It’s why I became an L simp, not the other way around.

Anyway, the anime is a genius adaptation and expansion on the original story imo. (At least up until L’s death— unfortunately it didn’t do the other Wammy’s boys any justice)

TLDR;

manga L- cold and domineering, hates to lose and mostly loses at first because Light outsmarts him

anime L- the very opposite and I LOVE IT

Look at me putting my 5 on the AP English literature exam to use! Also, I know I’m a huge L fan, but I am a Light kinnie and I love him as a protagonist in every possible anti-hero type way and would love to analyze him so let me know if yall want that.

Okay, class, any questions?

[azaharinflames]

I just want to get over this. Like why am I still so sad about that how many weeks later? But I am. And I also want to hold out hope but maybe it’s better to quit because the not knowing for sure and just being sad all the time is a lot.

Hi, @phillystrega! Thanks for your ask <3

Listen, I fully get it. Real talk here, I spent a solid week with constant anxiety after 806 - granted, it wasn't just because of 911, it was sort of the straw that broke the camel's back after a lot of shit had happened in the world and my personal life, so.

At the end of the day, 911 was supposed to be our comfort show. And I think, having something like this happen, seeing everything that has happened before, has made it so it stopped being that, and that's bound to hurt.

Your feelings are normal. It was more than a couple we liked breaking up - in context, sure, but also in what meant right after. I said it right after - it truly felt like they responded to the love we tried to send into the world with hate, and they responded to hate from that side of the fandom with love.

It wasn't entirely like that. But at the time it very much felt like that. And it's normal to still be dealing with feelings surrounding that.

Here is my advice (feel free to not take it if it's shit lol):

Focus on life in the fandom if it's fun for you. The BuckTommy fandom truly helped me process my feelings and channel them toward something more positive. Talk to people, be creative, see everyone's art and posts... it truly is healing.

Block anything that threatens your peace of mind. That being accounts, hashtags, or even keywords, so you don't find it in your dash.

Go back to your comfort shows if you have any, or try to find a new one if you feel you need to latch onto a new one. I'm here if you want suggestions. No joke, binge-watching Modern Family made me feel incredibly better.

If you have a hobby, dedicate some time to it. Or try a new one if you want. I had to embroid a tote bag for one of my best friend's birthday and honestly, it truly helped. So much so I want to do some embroidery as Christmas ornaments - we'll see how that works lmao (I sound 60 when I'm mid-twenties, dear God).

All of this will slowly take you out of this mentality, mostly because you will focus on other things. I realized I was focusing too much on how all of this was making me feel - and as much as it's healthy to face our feelings and know where they come from, we don't want to fall into a cycle, or drown in them.

After all of this, with a bit more perspective, maybe it's easier to make the decision of either continue, or move on. You can also stay in the fandom and enjoy it with no expectations, maybe check every once in a while how canon is doing. And if at some point you decide it's worth checking again, you can do it. And if you decide to fully move on, that will also be okay. Overall - protect your peace.

This was very long, but I truly hope it helped you, even if it was a little.

My inbox is always open to rant, vent, or discuss (911 or whatever you want).

Take care <3

[ednygmasbowlerhat]

this is a long rant about accidentally dating people for aros/aces/aroaces that i don't expect people to read but i need to scream this into the void

ok so i'm 100% sure i'm aroace like i'm 20 years old and have never in my life been romantically or sexually attracted to anyone no matter how hard i've tried and like cognitively i know this. i'm out to all of my friends (my family doesn't know but they're homophobic so that's a future me problem anyway...) and most of my friends are queer so like they know what aromanticism and asexuality are and it's just like a thing i know and everyone knows about me. so like if i know that i am aroace how come i can't emotionally accept it? this requires a bit of a storytime but basically last year this girl who i was sort of friends with but not close with confessed to me that she had been in love with me for the better part of a year and she was like "i know you're asexual and that's fine i just wanted you to know" and first of all i don't think she comprehended that the part of my sexuality that made me not want to date her was the aromanticism not the asexuality but that's not the point. the point is that i was like "yeah i mean i've never felt that way about anyone but i like you as a person and would be happy to keep getting closer with you as friends" because like i wanted to let her down easy and that was the nicest way i could think of so then we like hung out a little more after that one-on-one which we didn't used to do because we only knew each other from classes and band but like it was fine she was nice and we were friends and like somewhere in the back of my head i was constantly thinking like maybe if i get to be really close friends with her to the point where we're basically dating then i will realize romance isn't that bad and be able to date her and like stop being aromantic. like i wasn't thinking that through consciously but i did know that i haven't emotionally reconciled what being aroace actually means for how my future is going to look so i know that's an issue that i have to work through and that i'm still working on accepting my sexuality. anyway all this to say that i was basically trying to subconsciously convince myself that if i tried hard enough i would be able to make myself fall in love with this girl.

anyways summer happens and we're texting but we don't live near each other so whatever and then we come back to school and she's like inviting me to do one on one stuff all the time like i put together a bunch of her ikea furniture for her new apartment and like after band she'd ask me to get dinner just the two of us stuff like that and one of these days at the beginning of the semester we're hanging out just the two of us and she's like "so what are we because like i'm falling more in love with you and i don't want to make you uncomfortable but i really want to be more affectionate with you?" so i was like "well i do like hugs and physical contact and stuff so i guess i'm ok with that" and from then on she was like very pda with me and kissing me on the forehead and always hugging me and like i genuinely do like physical touch but like she clearly thought we were dating and one time referred to me as her partner and i was like "woah." so anyway we're i guess accidentally dating at this point for like 3 months and then like a month ago she's driving me home and out of the blue she goes "what would it take for me to convert to judaism?" and i was like why? i didn't know if it was like a curiosity thing or like a relationship thing because in like september she asked if it was ever a possibility that the two of us could get married and i thought she was joking so i said no you're not jewish (like there are obviously so many serious reasons why i can't marry her like i don't love her but whatever i thought she was kidding) and she was like "i'd convert for you because i'm in love with you and i was thinking about it" and i was like holy shit wtf i need to get out of this car right now but like i couldn't so i'm fully sitting in her passenger seat stammering and not knowing what to say because i don't want to hurt her feelings but i don't feel the same way and yeah eventually i get home and i basically run away. she texts me like immediately after and is like "sorry if i freaked you out" and i was like no you're good but inside i was freaking out.

so anyway i try and ignore how uncomfortable i am because i have to interact with her in band, and then about a week later, she sits me down and is like "hey so i want to ask how you've been feeling about us because you've been acting weird" and i tried to be honest and say that i thought i could force myself to love her but i just can't and to me that was basically like me breaking up with her but to her apparently that was just an instruction to continue as usual i guess. so after that i started avoiding her because i wanted her to understand that i didn't want to be in this relationship with her but she like wasn't getting it and she was still like coming up to me and touching me like i was having a conversation with one of my friends and she walks up behind me and just starts picking the like fuzzy bits off of my hoodie and i literally flinched away and said stop without even looking at her and the friend i was talking to looked so concerned but she just kept standing behind me without touching me. then later that day she came up to me again and was like "are you mad at me" in front of a group of like 5 people and i was like "i'm not mad i just need space" and she keeps being like why so i just walked away because we were fully in public and i didn't want to say anything. so that night i send her a long text where i basically apologized for being rude and set my boundary that i needed space from her. for further reference i have a really bad history of being unable to say no in a lot of really serious ways that i'm working on in therapy but this was something that she knew about. she knew that i say yes to things i am not ok with because i have severe issues with conflict and have put myself in really uncomfortable and sometimes very dangerous situations just to avoid saying no or hurting someone's feelings. all of this to say it took a lot of time and work for me to set a boundary with her and tell her i need space because it is super intertwined with my trauma and mental health issues. she replies to me like 2 minutes later just saying something along the lines of "i'm so mad at you because you lied to me for months and it's a huge problem for our relationship if you can't be honest with me." i just replied ok because whatever but in my head i was like i don't exactly think i was lying to you and also i never agreed that we were together and even if we were i just dumped you so wtf?

anyway we still see each other at band stuff and she's always giving me dirty looks and someone at a party told me that she's been telling everyone i led her on which like i'm not surprised by because it was unintentional but i do agree that i led her on like i knew how much she liked me and i didn't put space between us maybe because i liked the attention or maybe because i thought i could force myself to like her back or maybe because i hate saying no but whatever the reason i feel really bad for hurting her. and here's the thing: this isn't the first time i've accidentally dated someone or led someone on for an extended period of time. i just don't know how to stop. i don't know how to force myself to emotionally accept that dating is not for me and that no matter how hard i try i will probably never like someone the way she liked me. also like am i actually in the wrong here? because all my friends are saying she's in the wrong, but i think this is all my fault but my friend said that her accusing me of lying is like calling someone a liar when they come out to you because they were lying to you the entire time before they came out about their sexuality. also a different friend keeps saying that it's her fault because i never gave her consent for a lot of the stuff that happened but like i never said no so idk. this might be like just insane ramblings at this point i just need to get this out of my head so i can study for finals.

if you read to this point literally why but thanks i hope you're doing ok and if you're aro/ace/aroace you're super awesome and valid

[damnfandomproblems]

6183:

I truly hate submissions that are worded like this. They're reductive, and they flatten everything that happens online and in fandom to some kind of imaginary fantasy where nothing counts or matters.

A lot of fandom squabbles don't matter outside of fandom. A lot of people spend way too much time online and get upset over trivial crap. Powerleveling doesn't matter. Whose ship is "better" doesn't matter. Fictional characters are fictional and not real. I don't think anyone can deny that.

But let's not kid ourselves by saying all people in fandom somehow aren't "real" (yes, I do know what you're going for there, I don't need to be @'d about it) and therefore everything that happens with people in fandom, and all fandom discourse, is inconsequential. "Stop taking fictional worlds so seriously". Well, a lot of people in fandom would love to, but a pack of dicks rode their ass about how they wrote something and now they're afraid to be creative. Y'know? If you're talking strictly about the first few examples I gave above; poweleveling, ship wars, etc, I would agree with you that it's just dumb stuff to get upset over. But I hate the choice of words here because it's so nonspecific.

So I want to rant for a moment if you'll let me.

Fandom is a microcosm of real life, and especially with young people, who spend a massive amount of time online now, they take what they learn and bring it outside of fandom. Those people running around sending death to someone for writing incest? Being told they're horrible people for writing a homophobic character? A good deal of them are leaving fandom spaces with serious complexes about themselves, and they're going to hurt people. I read about an incident where a young cookie run fan went and bullied another fan, at school, to the point they attempted suicide, and their parents found out, then they found a bunch of horrifying discord interactions where the kid had been getting groomed by a "safe adult". A lot of this shit isn't just "fandom discourse", it's discourse repackaged with fandom wrapping paper and a fandom bow and ribbon. The person who doesn't have friends because they move around a lot and doesn't have a stable situation? They can find stable friends in fandom.

The use of "real person" makes me think of someone who spends all their time online and doesn't have the slightest clue, who doesn't have any perspective with talking to real people, and I'm looking around at my mom and my sister and myself, and the friends I routinely videochat with, and I'm just going… Online fandoms are all people who aren't, as you phrase it, "real"?

But that's my two cents.

Posting as a response to a previous problem.

[emycantconsentrate]

solitaire Ranttttt

I love this book and I've read it at least 30 times. i just want to say before I start that these are my personal opinions about the book.

I know i said I've read it a lot but i still don't know everything so please don't get mad if i get any facts incorrect.

Solitaire starts as Victoria (tori) Spring is starting school after x-mas or winter break. Tori lives with her mom, dad, and two brothers, Charlie and Oliver. Charlie, who is also in the heartstopper comics, struggles with an ED. I truly think that this effects Tori's life a lot. I know its not Charlies fault but I'm sure tori is almost constantly worrying about him. Tori and her mother don't get along very well. I'm not entirely sure why they don't but i think they touch more on that fact in This Winter. I've read it but it was a long time ago and i really need a reread.

on a different note. I've been needed to talk about this but none of my friends care enough. This is a controversial opinion but i hate Becky. she is such a bitch to tori and i just can't stand her. i know most of the time when tori and her would fight it would be when Becky is drunk but that doesn't make anything she has done right. she dated Ben Hope, one of the worst people in the universe of solitaire. i guess i don't really have a true reason to hate her accept for the fact that i have had friends like Becky. its all fine and its a beautiful friendship, then out of nowhere they go behind you and become friends or start dating someone that isn't a good person. they don't know they are a bad person and you do. and if you try to tell them that they are a bad person they either don't care or they don't believe you. I truly don't get why people like Becky. this is way too much but I'm going to do it any way. I'm going to analyze one of their fights.

pages 226-228 Solitaire

Becky was kissing Ben Hope after 100% knowing how awful of a person he was and still is to her best friends little brother. Tori sees this happening at the Solitaire party and is furious. which is completely reasonable because of how actually nasty he is.

after ben walks off Becky asks tori what she's looking at. in the next bit tori just goes off on her saying stuff like "you are a nasty bitch," and "you just don't care, do you?"

"that's it isn't it? I'm you naive little friend whose sad little life makes you feel better about yourself. well, you're absolutely spot-on there. I haven't got a single clue about anything. But you know what i do know? I know when someone is being a nasty bitch. Go ahead and cry your little crocodile tears if you want to. You don't fucking care at all do you?" this is a rant Tori goes on while arguing. This leaves Becky absolutely speechless.

"well- you- you're the one being a nasty bitch! Jesus Christ just calm down." After Becky says this Tori tells the reader that, i quote, "this is bad. I need to stop. I can't" Tori is now aware that she can't help was she says anymore. She no longer trust Becky. She no longer has a "BFF". Becky has betrayed her.

Tori continues to yell at Becky. "I'm sorry - do you have any comprehension of the level of betrayal you have just reached? Do you have any concept of friendship? I didn't think it was possible for someone to be that selfish, but clearly i've been wrong all this time" Tori is very very upset now and then says " You've killed me. You've literally killed me."

Becky has single handedly DESTORYED Tori. Becky is awful, and of course she just tells her to calm down. she literally was just making out with a boy that SA'd HER BEST FRIENDS BROTHER! and she knew he did it. which is ACTUALLY INSANE!!!!!

just the amount of betrayal and shit she caused makes be fucking sick to my stomach. yeah i do know that its a fake story and they aren't real people. it's just the fact that people like Becky do really do shit like this. I can't believe people are actually capable of stuff like this.

i really need to shut up but i have two more quotes from Tori then I'll stop.

"You have solidly proven that everyone and everything is shit. well done. Gold star. please delete yourself from my life."

" i am gone. I am gone. I guess everyone is like this. Smiles, hugs, years together, holidays, late night confessions, tears, phone calls, one million words - they don't mean anything. Becky doesn't care. No one really cares."

thank you for listening/reading

[nereidprinc3ss]

i may be the only person who adores spencer but doesn’t really care about mgg 💀💀💀 he’s heavy on that theater kid vibe that annoys me to no end

this is so funny and valid

incoming long and only sort of related rant about how stupid celebrity culture and stanning is🗣️🗣️ and how we all need to stop being so emotionally invested in celebrities (yes even my boyfriend mgg)🗣️🗣️!!

i think mgg is really funny and he seems nice and endearing but i also have a deep distrust for all men! ESPECIALLY famous men cause fame fucks with your psyche, so while i really do adore the version of himself that he presents to the general public, i also try as a general rule to never be too emotionally invested in celebrities. because at the end of the day they are human beings and we see barely a fraction of who they really are. i think a lot of what we as fans see from him is his genuine personality but it is only part of it. we should never assume we really and truly know a celebrity based on how they present themselves to the public. if we did that then by those standards we’d believe almost every celebrity is absolutely perfect and that is just false. by virtue of being a human, which celebrities are and always have been first and foremost, you are going to be messy and probably do some fucked up stuff in your life. i know i’ve done some fucked up stuff in my life and it would be ridiculous to believe that mgg has never done anything fucked up in his life, as it would be ridiculous to assume that about any person ever.

so by adoring and becoming overly emotionally dependent on who you think a celebrity is as a person, you are setting yourself up for inevitable disappointment. if you idolize someone and can’t accept that they are human and have done fucked up shit just like you or me or your best friend or your parents or whoever, you will be crushed when you find out they’re not perfect. which is why i think cancel culture is so fucking dumb. imagine if everyone in your life found out about that mean thing you said to your friend once when you were really mad 10 years ago and all collectively decided to abandon you and shame you and harass you and label you as worthless forever. that is so so crazy. imagine any time you made a mistake or poor choice and how disproportionate it would be to be fired and shunned socially and bullied relentlessly by everyone for that mistake or choice. that’s the standard we hold celebrities to.

so i really would not be surprised to learn that mgg was like a really bad friend one time or made a bad choice or something. but would that alter my worldview and crush my soul? no! i have also been a bad friend and made bad choices! and sometimes continue to make bad choices! circling back to life is messy and humans are messy and things aren’t black and white!

i think it’s important to understand that he is literally just some guy who happens to be famous and he has flaws just like the rest of us. i’m not invested in his being a perfect person, i have no allusions that he’s always and exclusively exactly the way he acts with his fans, and am able to critique him when i think he does something weird or annoying LOL. that said i really like him! i think he’s funny and interesting and seems really kind! but me liking him does not hinge on him being flawless and angelic.

so basically if you’re going to be crushed when it comes out that your fav did something bad, then unstan because i can promise you with 1000% certainty that literally every single celebrity you like has done something fucked up and weird and bad just like every single person on the face of the planet has or will!

[afewproblems]

Difficult Days - Part Seven

Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six or Read on AO3

The day that Henry waltzes back into Shawn’s life starts out normal enough. 

It’s a Tuesday. The sun is out, the local smoothie place on the corner of 118th has finally brought back its mango tango tropical blend --containing absolutely mouth tingling amounts of pineapple, and Gus even manages to get the cute smoothie girls number while they wait for their drinks. 

“You hear about Pluto? That's messed up,” Gus says, leaning against the counter as he hands her a ten. Her head tilts slightly, eyebrow raised, her sharp green eyes sweep over Gus as a smile blooms over her freckled face. 

Oh shit, she's going to eat him alive.

“I hadn't, you'll have to tell me sometime,” the cashier says with a wink that pulls a strangled laugh out of his best friend.

They leave with their drinks, Gus's cup adorned with a sharpie phone number and a smiley face across the plastic. The bounce in Gus’s step makes Shawn grin as he watches him read the number again and again.

“Can an area code be cute?” Gus asks as they turn down the street to the department, passing uniformed officers leaving for patrol.

“Depends on the number of eights, also fours, very sexy numbers Gus,” Shawn says sagely, fighting to keep his face neutral as Gus glares openly at him.

“Please,” Gus huffs as they climb the stone steps up to the precinct, “you are just jealous that my Pluto line pulled”.

One of the rookies, officer Miller? Mayer? Some kind of M name, Shawn thinks as the officer stops to hold the door for the pair of them to enter the building. 

The rookie flashes Shawn a smile as he waves them in and Shawn can't help but smile back. Maybe Gus wouldn't be the only one getting a number today.

“It was bound to happen Gus,” Shawn insists as they turn down the hall towards the bullpen, “the intersection of women that are single, into astrology, and a little crazy is small but you were eventually gonna find it buddy”.

Gus sputters around the straw of his smoothie, “there is a huge difference between astrology and astronomy Shawn--”

“Are we talking horoscopes?” Juliet asks with a curious smile as she falls into step beside them, carrying a file folder and a mug of coffee in the other hand as they make their way to the desks. Shawn grins as Gus swallows nervously. 

He likes Juliet.

She's sincere and chipper but there's an edge to her that Shawn can't quite pinpoint where the line is. It also helps that she has enough patience to balance out her partner who has not been subtle about his distaste for Shawn.

Plus, Gus is completely smitten with her.

Juliet is probably the only woman who has laughed at, objectively, every single one of Gus's jokes since they started working together --which is a feat in and of itself. Shawn watches as Gus lifts his hand to rub at the back of his neck, stammering through the account of his interaction at the smoothie place with the counter girl.

Shawn sees the way Juliet deflates slightly, her eyes darting between Gus and the number on the smoothie cup. He shakes his head at the open display of pining. 

It would almost be amusing if Shawn didn't have to hear about how amazing, and funny, and cute, and scary Juliet is every other night from Gus and why someone like her could never go for someone like him --which is bullshit.

Anyone would be lucky to have someone like Gus on their team, and Shawn will champion that argument until the day he dies. 

Besides, if he isn't mistaken, Juliet agrees with his sentiment.

“It just seems so disrespectful to remove its status as a planet after all this time,” Gus sighs, trailing off from his planetary rant.

Juliet nods, “not just to Pluto but to all of us that had to repeat ‘Men Very Easily Make Jugs Serve Useful Needs, Perhaps,’ and not have all the boys in class giggle at the word ‘Jugs’”.

“You get it,” Gus exclaims, elbowing Shawn as he tries in vain to stifle a snicker.

It's not Shawn’s fault that ‘Jugs’ is comedy gold, he doesn't make the rules.

Shawn lets his attention wander from the pair slightly, taking in the neat stacks of paperwork on Juliet’s and Lassiter’s desks, wondering just what cases he might be able to snoop on in preparation for his psychic showcase later, and speaking of the Head Detective it’s a little odd that he isn't in yet. 

Shawn looks at the clock on the wall, it’s nearly 9:30, well past when good ol’ Lassie normally arrives. 

“Boy this place hasn't changed a bit”.

Shawn stills as he registers the voice from across the bullpen.

Oh no.

No, no, no, he's been so fucking careful.

“How long are you sticking around for Detective?” Lassiter's voice floats across the space behind them, “I can show you the new evidence room if you have time?” 

Shawn slowly turns, holding his breath, to see Lassiter walking and talking, hitching his thumb over his shoulder in the direction of the evidence room, with Henry Spencer.

Fuck.

Henry looks very nearly the same, maybe a little thinner than he was the day he left Shawn at the station, definitely more grey and less hair than there had been. The collar on his polo is warped slightly, as though it had been left to air dry on a rack, and the brown leather shoes he's wearing are dull, scuffed at the sides. 

The Henry Spencer who diligently ironed his clothes and shined his shoes every day has seemingly evaporated in the last ten years, replaced with some laid-back facsimile.

Shawn had heard that Henry had retired from Gus, who had heard it from his mother, around the same time that he was supposed to have left Santa Barbara.

Shawn looks closer, taking in the same cool blue eyes, piercing and sharp as he surveys the precinct. 

His dad must just miss his old haunt, the station that was his second home for nearly forty years, that has to be it. 

Henry isn't here for Shawn, he can't be.

But…there was that god damn article he and Gus were mentioned in after the McCallum case. 

Shit.

Shawn closes his eyes and breathes in to try and slow the icy panic sliding up his spine, like he's been dropped off the edge of the pier in January.

He stills again as Henry responds to the Detective, clapping him on the arm with a relaxed grin.

“Nah, I'm in and out Lassiter, just checking in with the old guard on our poker night, you know how it is”. 

Shawn slowly ducks himself behind Gus, as Henry shifts his stance to the Chief's closed office door.

He hasn't seen Henry since that awful night ten years ago, and the thought of seeing his dad here now, of being exposed as a fraud, a liar, a--

Shawn shuts his eyes, and shakes his head as though to erase the thought.

He doesn't need Henry ruining this for him, not when things are finally, finally working for once. He needs to get out of here.

“Gus,” Shawn hisses sharply, interrupting his friend mid sentence, he tucks his head further down, keeping himself angled away from where Henry and Lassiter are still talking. 

Palling around like old chums, god of course they are. Why wouldn't Henry love someone like Lassiter, the complete opposite end of the spectrum where Shawn is concerned. 

“Shawn what?” Gus tries but Shawn flaps both hands out, cutting him off again. 

Juliet frowns at the display, though there is a hint of concern in her gaze as her eyes follow the direction from which he is obviously hiding, landing on Lassiter who is still chatting with his dad.

Everything feels off balance, like he missed a step on the stairs but then the rest of them have given way to let him drop.

“Gus, Henry is here and I need to not be,” Shawn says lowly, “I need a distraction or a miracle, preferably both if you can swing it”.

“Shawn--”

“What kind of distraction?”

Juliet and Gus say at the same time and, hell yes, Shawn knew he liked her for a reason.

“And with zero rehearsal? I am so proud of you two,” Shawn whispers to them, ignoring the way his heart is threatening to jack hammer its way out of his chest.

He clears his throat roughly, swallowing once, “I just need something big enough to get me into the kitchen without being seen?” 

“On it,” Juliet affirms, taking a step towards her desk to drop off the file from one hand, while the coffee cup remains in the other.

She takes a small step away before pausing and turning back to the pair of them, “hold on, this isn't for anything illegal or to do with a case is it?” she asks warily, glancing between Shawn and Gus.

“No,” Gus and Shawn say at the same time.

Juliet nods once and takes off towards Lassiter and Henry with long determined strides.

“Wow,” Gus sighs, hearts in his eyes and Shawn shakes his head at the sight.

God these two.

He breathes out, long and slow, before startling slightly at the commotion behind them. Shawn hazards a glance at Juliet to find her profusely apologizing to Henry for the large brown coffee stain all over his polo while Lassiter watches with a stunned expression on his rapidly reddening face. 

Ho-ly shit, if Gus doesn't lock this girl down, Shawn might have to. They'll have a summer wedding, Shawn thinks a little hysterically as he takes the opportunity to bolt, speed walking to the department kitchen, Gus hot on his heels.

They round the corner out of the bullpen and head down the hall towards the staff kitchen, nearly crashing into Buzz on their way through the narrow door.

“Sorry man,” Gus winces as Buzz just manages to stop coffee from flowing over the side of the cup in his hand as he makes way for them.

“All good, is Shawn okay?” Buzz asks, concern in his voice and expression as he peers back into the kitchen.

Shawn says nothing, biting the inside of his cheek until he tastes copper on his tongue. He breathes out again, long and slow, before taking a short sharp breath in, just like Mrs. Guster taught him. 

“He's fine,” Gus says quickly, “I could smell the fresh pot from the pen so we wanted to jump on that before anyone else”.

Buzz tilts his head at Gus quizzically, “oh that stuff’s old actually, probably from the shift change I think”.

“And that's what…you're drinking?” Gus says slowly, staring at the young officer who beams at the pair of them.

“I know it's not everyone's taste but I love the last cup,” Buzz smiles before taking a long sip from the chipped mug in his hand, “not too hot, plenty bitter and strong, it's great.”

Shawn breathes out a laugh this time as his heart rate finally begins to slow to a more normal pace.

“We'll take your word for it,” Shawn says, rubbing his hand through his hair before reaching for the electric kettle next to the empty coffee pot. It's full of water still, and based on the fresh droplets on the counter, someone filled it recently.

“Glad you're okay Shawn, you'll have to head back soon, apparently we have a visitor that Detective Lassiter is showing around--”

“Thanks Buzz, we'll try,” Gus interrupts smoothly, he's smiling but it's just a little too wide.

Shawn flicks the switch on for the kettle and turns to slump against the counter, crossing his arms over his chest.

Buzz shrugs and gives them a little salute with his mug before turning on his heel to head back to his desk. 

Gus waits a beat before whirling around to Shawn, eyes wide, “why the hell is Henry here?” 

“Why do dolphins tease pufferfish Gus?”

“Because they like to get high?”

“Because they do whatever the hell they want and how should I know how a dolphin thinks,” Shawn bites out as the kettle bubbles and spits behind him.

“I thought he moved away,” Shawn says eventually, chewing on the corner of his lip, “guess he came back”.

Gus grimaces, peeking around the corner of the kitchen for a moment before turning back to Shawn.

“Make me a cup too,” he sighs, reaching a hand up to pinch into his eyes, “you're gonna owe Juliet big time for this, I don't think I've ever seen Lassiter turn that shade of red before”.

“Hey, he should be grateful she spilled on the right asshole,” Shawn mutters as the kettle clicks off automatically. He turns around and reaches for the overhead cupboards to grab two mugs from the shelf.

“Well, your vocabulary hasn't changed much, has it kid?”

Shawn nearly drops both mugs at the sound of his father's voice behind him and the quiet curse Gus blurts out.

Shawn doesn't turn around, keeping his shoulders level as he sets the mugs down and reaches for a random box of tea bags on the counter, looks like Gus will have to settle for green tea this time as much as he hates it. 

“You’d be surprised,” Shawn manages after a long beat of strained silence.

Henry hums, “What, you're not gonna say hello to your old man?”

Shawn bristles, hating the way he can feel his ears begin to heat. He grips the counter to halt the furious tremor in one hand while the other crushes a still wrapped tea bag.

“Detective Spencer did you find--”

Oh good. Lassie is here now too, Shawn thinks viciously.

“I know where the kitchen is Lassiter,” Henry sighs, “I did work here after all”.

“Mr. Spencer,” Gus says, cutting through the strange tension that has begun to spread through the little kitchen, “it's been a while”.

“Burton, yeah it has, how's your mother?”

“My mother?” Gus repeats, confusion in his voice, “she's uh, she's great--”

“I'll bet,” Henry interrupts, “she's certainly something your mother, definitely had a lot to say to me over the years, that's for sure”.

Shawn falters slightly, has Henry been keeping tabs on him this whole time though Mrs. Guster? 

He swallows roughly, still facing the cupboard. Shawn tries to unclench his fist but it won't budge, the paper around the teabag has grown damp now from the sweat on his hand and he can feel the cheap ink from the label rubbing into his palm.

Lassiter clears his throat awkwardly, “uh, Detective, Sargent Bart is ready if you still wanted to meet”.

Henry sighs behind him, Shawn can hear the shift in his stance as he turns back to Gus.

“Well, at least one of you is polite, but you always were a good kid Burton”.

Shawn feels his hackles raise at the same time Lassiter clears his throat again.

“Fine,” Henry says in a clipped, disappointed voice, “Shawn, if you want to talk, you know where to find me”. 

Shawn hears Henry walk away, his shoes scuffing against the floor heading further and further down the hall, and let's his head slowly fall until it connects with the cupboard.��

He lifts his head, just enough to drop it again, connecting with the cupboard door with a muffled thunk before he straightens up, shakes out his shoulders and finally drops the unusable teabag on the counter.

“Guster, what's got your partner so worked up, is being confronted with a real detective just that upsetting?” Lassiter asks as Shawn finally turns around. 

He's still standing next to Gus, his blue eyes tracing over Shawn as though scanning him, smirking slightly.

“Upsetting?” Shawn laughs, but it sounds fake, hollow, “Lassie, Lassie, Lassie, I'm touched you think I'm capable of that kind of emotional intelligence, it’s, well, it's an honour Detective”.

Gus sighs, shaking his head, crossing his arms over his chest as Lassiter rolls his eyes with a huff.

“Then what the hell is your problem, he's your dad isn't he?

“Lassiter--” Gus tries but Shawn beats him to it.

“You really don't remember huh?” Shawn says incredulously, “the first night we met?”

Lassiter tilts his head, blue eyes narrow as he stares at Shawn, “the first? Spencer, that was a few weeks ago?”

Right. 

Shawn had been pretty certain that the Detective didn't remember being there the night Shawn was arrested, and this just confirmed the theory.

He's pretty sure Vick remembers just based on the look in her eyes when she reminded Shawn she had no problem with booking him if he were lying about the psychic thing, she'd processed him before and would do it again to protect the department.

But, it looks like she hasn’t said much of anything to the other Detectives, not about Henry dropping him off or the call he had made to the Gusters while standing behind him, most certainly eavesdropping.

Which should be a relief.

It's not like he’s enthusiastic about people knowing the details of that awful night.

A brief flash of Lassiter’s expression, pained and sympathetic, as he walks up to Shawn in the hallway to ask if he's okay, flashes once before dissipating.

It's…it's good he doesn't remember. 

He doesn't need Lassiter looking at him with anything other than irritation or anger in his very, very, blue eyes--

No. 

That is one thought he'd rather not examine too closely --especially not now with Lassie standing in front of him with his annoyingly observant glare.

Shawn sighs sharply, lifting his hand to pinch his nose before dropping it limply at his side.

“You know what, why don't you run along Lassie, I'm sure there's a boy stuck in a well somewhere that would love your help”. 

Lassiter blinks once, twice, Shawn can see the cogs turning in his head as he moves away from the counter, making his way past the Detective. 

It's the same jab he'd used over ten years ago.

Why the fuck did he say that? 

Shawn halts as he feels Lassiter grab his arm loosely at the elbow, but doesn't turn around.

“Better yet,” Shawn says loudly, the words come out smoothly but at a higher pitch than normal, and Shawn can feel both Gus and Lassiter staring at him.

“Shawn--” Gus tries but Shawn starts moving, pulling his arm from Lassiter's hand with a quick tug.

“You could continue sniffing around Henry,” Shawn calls over his shoulder, “he never wanted a pet when I was growing up but I think he'll just love you”.

He moves a little quicker down the hallway before veering right into another hall.

There are footsteps behind Shawn keeping pace. He steals a quick glance behind him, breathing out a bark of laughter as he meets Gus's harried glare.

“I can't believe you,” Gus hisses as they speed walk their way to the start of the row of individual offices, “I can't believe he didn't murder you right then and there, it's not like you wouldn't have deserved it”.

“I resent that baseless accusation,” Shawn huffs as he continues walking.

“You called him a dog twice--”

“That's the third time technically,” he admits lightly, ignoring the way Gus curses under his breath as they finally reach the foyer.

“Gus, it's fine, we'll leave it for a few days, let Lassie cool down,” Shawn huffs as they pass several uniformed officers heading back into the station.

Maybe if they wait long enough what he had inadvertently let slip to Lassiter will have blown over and Henry will have gotten the hint that Shawn has no interest in speaking to him.

“We wait till they call us, ya know?” He says as they push open the heavy entrance door and the hot afternoon sun hits their faces.

“I'm sure it's already forgotten by now”.

Tag List: @adaed5 @drakkywolf @newgrangespirals @riverofrainbows @steddierthings @eriquin @newgrangespirals

[roanofarcc]

PROJECT SUNSHINE CHAPTER SIXTY FIVE → BUT SHE’S A CHEERLEADER!

summary: steve harrington x oc

when another product of Hawkins National Laboratory escaped a long-survived nightmare alongside her sister, she crashed into one unsuspecting teenage boy and dragged him deeper into the dark mysteries that made up their hometown.

word count. 3.7k || masterlist

warnings: cannon typical violence, child abuse, horror, gore, and depictions of mental illness. parts of this story were written pre-season 4 release. cannon divergence.

previous chapter ← → next chapter

Tagged: @sattlersquarry, @leptitlu, @two-sides-samecoin, @adaydreamaway30

Steve hauled another stack of VHS tapes into his arms as Robin paced back and forth, not helping him reshelve the movies but instead ranting about her latest date with Tamera. 

“All I’m saying is, this one felt different! It was less ‘we’re just hooking up’ and more ‘this could be an actual relationship,” she said. Steve listened intently as he slotted a collection of horror movies back onto the shelf. He didn’t understand why anyone would willingly watch those kinds of movies, but he supposed most people in Hawkins hadn’t lived their own real-life version of a horror movie like he had. Maybe they needed the thrill; Steve did not. 

He turned around to grab more tapes but stopped at the look twisted up on Robin’s face, something mixed between unsure and worried. “Isn’t that a good thing? You guys could date for real instead of whatever weird back and forth thing you’ve got going on.” 

Steve knew it was more complicated for Robin and Tamera, especially in Hawkins but they could at least admit their feelings for each other. Robin clearly liked Tamera and wanted something more real than whatever causal situation they found themselves in. Granted, Robin had never been in a relationship before and she had confided in Steve that the idea of dating someone was nerve wracking to her. But she deserved to be happy, and Tamera clearly made her happy. Steve wished she just went for it, all in. 

“Yeah,” Robin said with a sigh, stopping her pacing and resorting to picking at the nail polish Steve had just painted on her nails two days ago. “But even if we do date for real, it’s not like I can take her to the prom without being a headline in the Hawkins Post. If any asshole caught a whiff of us being together, they’d start a witch hunt or some shit.” There was a shield of humor in her voice, but Steve knew Robin well enough to hear the fear that sat behind it.  It pissed him off. 

He knew that Hawkins was riddled with assholes of every kind, but the thought of someone coming after his best friend just because she wanted to date happily made him furious. Monsters and evil scientists once inhabited Hawkins but people wanted to draw pitchforks at two girls holding hands. 

“That’s not happening on my watch, Buckley,” he said with a cheeky smile, bumping his shoulder against hers as he collected another arm full of tapes. 

Robin cracked a small smile before parting her lips like she was going to say something, but something behind Steve caught her eye. She squinted and stepped around him, rushing toward the front counter. 

“What’re you doing?” Steve asked. 

Robin turned the volume up on the TV, causing a familiar Hawkins newscaster’s voice to fill the quiet Family Video store. 

“No names of possible suspects are being released at this time. Chief Powell is yet to make an official statement, but as said he will address the town later this afternoon once he knows more. All we know at this time is that it seems to be an isolated incident.” The scene on the TV shifted away from the newscaster and onto a gurney being wheeled down a dirt and gravel road swarmed by officers and paramedics. There weren’t many places in Hawkins that were unfamiliar to Steve. It only took a moment to recognize where the scene took place as trailer homes appeared in the background of the gurney being lifted in the back of an ambulance. 

“Someone died?” Robin questioned with furrowed brows. 

“The name of the victim will also not be released at this time, but it has been confirmed to be a Hawkins High student. We…” the reporter’s voice droned on, but it became fuzzy on Steve’s ears. 

A Hawkins High student. The trailer park. Steve knew it wasn’t rational to jump to the worst possible case scenario. There were a handful of students who lived in the trailer park, but he only knew one for certain. Max. Out of everyone in Hawkins, the worst things tended to happen to their little group. And maybe it was simply unreasonable paranoia, but he couldn’t help that his mind fell there first. 

Panic swelled in his chest as he turned to Robin. “Max,” he muttered, ready to run right out the door and make sure the redhead he somewhat begrudgingly saw as a little sister was okay. Robin sensed his worry, her own face suddenly as pale as her white knuckles that gripped the remote. 

Steve reached for his keys he left in a space under the counter, but as he did so, the bell on the door chimed and Robin let out a loud breath as she grasped his shoulder and pointed to the people who had just entered. 

Dustin and Max rushed toward the counter, both looking a little winded but otherwise fine. Steve let out his own sigh of relief, running a hand through his hair. How he didn’t have gray hairs already was a mystery to him. It felt like the universe was determined to see how much it could stress him out. 

“How many phones do you have?” Dustin asked. 

Unbelievable, Steve thought. “Someone was murdered-” he started to say, but Dustin, in his usual Dustin fashion, cut him off and repeated the question louder than he had the first time. Steve answered, “Two.” 

“Technically three, if you count Keith’s,” Robin added. 

Max glanced at Dustin, nodding her head almost frantically as she said, “Three works.” 

Without another word, Dustin threw his backpack at Steve a bit too forcefully. He then jumped up on the counter ungracefully, knocking over everything setup to the floor as he slid to the other side and hopped down. Steve threw the kid’s backpack to the ground with a huff and Robin started picking up the scattered papers, tapes, and other items Dustin had sent toppling. 

Max, like a normal person, walked around the counter to get behind it and rolled her eyes. 

“What are you doing?” Steve groaned in a familiar frustration. 

“Setting up a base of operations.” He moved in front of the computer and began clicking around. 

Listen, Steve disliked his job, but he didn’t want to get fired. The pay wasn’t great, but he got to work with Robin. Keith was a grade-A asshole, but he spent most of his time either not in the store or tucked away in the backroom playing video games brought from home. If Steve wanted to save enough money to escape Hawkins, he needed to keep his job, but the kids liked to make that a lot harder than it should have been. 

“Get off,” Steve snapped. “You guys aren’t even allowed to be back here.” He didn’t know why he tried; it wasn’t like they were going to listen to him. 

Dustin replied, “I need it!” 

“For what?” Robin asked, shuffling the fallen papers back into a neat pile. 

“Eddie’s friends’ numbers.” 

If it was possible to roll your eyes so hard they fall out, Steve would have done just that. The mere mention of Eddie pricked his skin, no matter how stupid he knew he was being. “Oh, you mean your new best friend who you think is cooler than me because he plays your nerdy game?” 

Dustin dramatically swung his head to look in Steve’s direction and threw his hands up. “I never said that!” He definitely did, Steve was almost positive. 

“Seriously, guys? Maybe on Monday you can play around here but it’s Saturday. It’s our busiest day,” Robin said. The Family Video store was set to get busy in an hour or two as the weekend rush filled in, looking for movies to watch for date night, sleepovers, and to cure loneliness. 

Dustin returned his attention to the computer, scrolling through a list of customers that had rented from the store before. “I empathize with you, Robin,” he said. “But this can’t wait.” 

“Oh my god,” Steve muttered. What he needed was Sunshine to come home and make the kids actually listen. They only seemed to care about what she had to say or told them to do, but she was still in Indy, much to his disappointment. And now there was a murderer in Hawkins, which made him feel even better. 

“Calling Eddie’s friends is an emergency?” Robin questioned. 

“Correct.” 

Steve moved beside Robin and helped her reorganize the tapes into their correct piles. He asked her, “Do you want me to strangle him, or do you want to?” 

“We could take turns?” 

With an annoyed huff, Dustin asked Max, “Can you fill them in while I do this?” 

Steve and Robin exchanged a confused look before the latter said, “Fill us in on what?” 

→←

The car ride back to Hawkins was tense and quiet, nothing the radio softly playing as the world whirled by. Sunshine fingers had played with the neckline of her shirt, where her necklace should have been, so much that the stitching started to come loose. 

She, Kali, and Calum had changed clothes at some lonely gas station just outside of Indy. Their bloodstained clothes were tossed in a dumpster and forgotten. 

As they rolled past the ‘Welcome to Hawkins’ sign, a headache bloomed behind Sunshine’s eyes. She winced and grasped her head, pressing her fingers into the skin in an attempt to ease the pain just slightly by applying pressure. 

“Where are we going now?” Kali asked, looking for directions as she eyed the road with a hard-set gaze. Her knuckles were white as she held onto the steering wheel. 

Checking the time on her watch, Sunshine knew where Steve and Robin would be for certain. 

She should have arrived home sooner, but it took them more time to escape Indy than she thought. They had to stop once to change their clothes, a second time to eat something, and a third because no one could keep their eyes open long enough to drive safely. After a quick nap, they hit the road in the morning, but Kali avoided the interstate and opted for backroads just in case someone was on their tail. By that time, Sunshine was more than ready to be home. 

“Steve and Robin will be at work. We’ll stop there first before we try to tack down Nancy,” she answered. “Stay on this road until you hit the next stop sign, then make a right.” 

Kali nodded and continued on through her clear discomfort for being back in Hawkins. 

Glancing in the rearview mirror, Sunshine saw Calum, who hadn’t uttered a word since their confrontation in the alley. He sat with his head turned and eyes fixed out the window, lost somewhere inside his head. There was a lot they needed to figure out, both in the grand scheme of things and between the three of them. Sunshine sure the best place to do that was in Hawkins. 

For the longest time, she had felt the need to carry everything on her own shoulders, but since relearning what a normal life was, she had learned to lean on others inside of drowning. They only solved things together, not alone. They defeated monsters together, not by themselves. As long as everyone worked together, she was sure they could put a final end to the Lab and everything else that had occurred as a result of it. 

Sunshine took a deep breath before she turned around and spoke to Calum. “Are you coming with us?” Her voice was careful but not too kind. 

He didn’t look away from the window as he said, “If we find my dad, can I at least talk to him?” His voice, on the other hand, sounded of a hurt child, abandoned and spirit broken. 

Sunshine glanced at Kali, who sighed in response before saying, “I can’t make any promises.” Calum’s figure slumped. “But I won’t say no.” 

It wasn’t much, but in Sunshine knew anything about Calum, if you gave him an inch, he’d try to take a mile. “Okay,” he said, flatly, in agreement to tag along. 

The car fell back into silence, aside from Sunshine’s directions. The sky was bright blue, the kind of color that brought hope after a long and gray winter. Maybe it was a warm welcome home. Her heart was happy to be back with those who she shared it with, but her head arched uncomfortably. She blamed it on a lack of restful sleep and her bout of angry emotions clouding her being. 

“Um, guys?” Calum piped up, leaning between the two front seats with an odd sense of urgency and he squinted out the windshield. He pointed ahead at a helicopter that appeared overhead, a blemish in the pretty sky. The helicopter hovered for a moment, not too far away, just beyond a cluster of trees. They watched for a moment before it started to descend. “That’s a military copter.” 

“How do you know that?” Kali asked. 

“They’re not exactly subtle.” 

Sunshine furrowed her brows. She had only seen a military helicopter once, after Starcourt. Owens and his “backup” had arrived in helicopters. After relocating the Byers-Hopper clan, Owens fell off the map. If he was back in Hawkins, Sunshine felt like she would know about it. Or she had missed something major in the twenty-four hours she had been gone. And with Hawkins' track recorded, that wasn’t impossible. 

Still, she asked the question all three of them were thinking, “Why would the military be in Hawkins?” 

Calum shook his head. “Because this place fucking sucks.” 

Sunshine all but sprinted through the doors of the Family Video store. The bell dinged, signaling a customer's arrival. The usual monotone drone of Steve or Robin’s greeting before they realized it was her and not a regular customer didn’t sound. Instead, a collection of voices filled her ears, and she was welcomed by the sight of Max, Robin, and Dustin all talking on phones. 

It was Max who noticed her first, as she hung up her phone. “Oh, thank God,” the redhead said. 

Steve’s head popped up from behind one of the shelves he seemed to be restocking, and a grin filled his face before he made his way over to Sunshine. Without a word, she hugged him tightly, relief flooding her veins after her troublesome twenty-four hours. He was warm and smelled like a mix of candy, dust, and cologne. Though it had only been a day, she realized how intertwined he and the rest of the group had come in her day-to-day life. 

A low chuckle sounded from Steve before he pressed his lips to the crown of her head. “Miss me that much, Sunshine?” 

She really didn’t want to let go of him, and she wanted to pretend that two people weren’t dead and it was more or less partly her fault. The more she had thought about it, they were probably followed, leading whoever was killing the people from Lab right to the two men. They were playing the same game of revenge as Kali, but Sunshine hadn’t agreed to play. She just wanted answers and to understand the memories she had somehow forgotten. Was it another kid from the Lab like Kali? Was it someone who had worked at the Lab themselves? There were so many unanswered questions it made Sunshine dizzy. 

Leaning back just slightly from her boyfriend, he caught sight of the frown on her lips, which gave her away almost instantly. 

“What’s wrong?” he asked. 

A lot of things, she wanted to answer, but she refrained as Robin hung up her phone with a loud ‘clang’ and said, “Calum?” 

The boy stood awkwardly with his hands in his pockets, leaving a good distance between himself and Kali. “Hey…” 

“Guys! We need to focus!” Dustin shouted. He shot a small smile at Sunshine. “We’re glad you're back, but we’ve got a problem on your hands that we gotta take care of.” 

Sunshine tried to shake off her own issues for a moment, turning her focus on what Dustin had just said. “Problem? What problem?” A pit had been stuck in her stomach since yesterday, but she hoped it would lessen once she arrived home, not get worse. But any issue in Hawkins was almost never small. 

Slinging an arm around Sunshine’s shoulder, pulling her into his side. Between him and Robin, they explained how there had been a murder that morning and Max was almost certain the victim was Chrissy Cunningham, a polite cheerleader who Sunshine had passed by in the halls of Hawkins High. The last person the cheerleader had been seen with, according to Max, was Eddie Munson. Despite that, Dustin was certain Eddie didn’t kill Chrissy. 

“Yeah, there’s no way,” Calum added. “I’ve been in the Hellfire Club with Eddie since freshman year. He’s not a murderer. An asshole sometimes, sure, but not a murderer.” 

Max piped up and said, “But we don’t know that for sure. Which is why we’re trying to find him and figure out exactly what happened last night.” 

Kali, who had been quiet, looked at Sunshine. “So, there’s a murderer on the loose?” 

Of course there was. She begged Kali to come to a place that held the worst years of her life with a promise that it was safer now, only to drag her back into a possibly dangerous situation. She wanted to curse the universe for its awful timing. 

“Not exactly…” Dustin looked hesitant, like he didn’t want to say whatever he was about it. 

“Then what, exactly?” Kali asked. 

He looked between her and Sunshine. “I’m sorry, who is she?” 

“Oh, right,” Sunshine said with a shake of her head. “Everyone meet Kali. Kali, meet everyone.” It was a less than enthusiastic introduction given the circumstances. 

“Kali? Like the Kali who Luke and Leia used to live with?” Max asked, eyes wide. Sunshine nodded in response. 

“Is she up to speed?” asked Dustin. 

It was Sunshine’s turn to be confused. “On what?” 

“We think, maybe, it wasn’t someone who killed Chrissy,” Max started to explain. “We think it might have been…something…” 

Max’s words were heavy, hitting Sunshine with an unknown force she hadn’t been expecting. The headache behind her eyes pulsed, as if it had a heartbeat. Steve’s arm around her shoulder shifted as he said, “Hey.” He brought his hand up to her face, running his thumb under his nose with a face full of pinched concern. When he pulled it away, blood stained the pad of his finger. “Your nose is bleeding?” 

Muttering under her breath, she broke away from Steve and reached for a tissue on the counter. Eyes fell onto her, but none more than Max, who stared at Sunshine with her wide blue eyes almost uncomfortably intense. 

Sunshine tried to shake off any concern. “It was a long night,” she said, blaming her less than ideal trip to Indy as the reason for her nosebleed. They started happening randomly after Starcourt, following the overuse of her abilities. Dr. Owens had blamed it on stress, and Sunshine didn’t have any reason to think otherwise. 

The blood stopped flowing after a moment and she returned her attention to the group. Level headed. She needed to stay level headed. She couldn’t lose it when one of her peers was head and the kids were already ready to get involved. She had promised Kali that Hawkins was different now, and she foolishly tricked herself into believing the same, that maybe that time, the monsters were really gone for good. 

“We shouldn’t jump to conclusions yet,” Sunshine said, looking between Max and Dustin. 

The latter countered. “We don’t exactly have a great track record of something weird not being…you know, almost the end of the world. Something could still be happening here.” 

Robin shook her head. “Even with the gate-thingy closed?” 

Dustin shrugged his shoulders. “The rules we play by are D&D rules, right? But we don’t really know the rules the Upside Down plays by.” 

The mere mention of the Upside Down made her sick to her stomach. Her muscles constricted, remembering the pain of what she felt last summer, holding off the Mind Flayer. 

“I still think we could be jumping the gun here,” Steve said. “We don’t know anything yet.” 

“That’s why we need to find Eddie,” said Max. 

“I know where he probably is,” Calum sighed. “Trust me, there’s only one place he could be.” 

Everyone rushed to gather their belongings to set out in their search for Eddie. Sunshine shoved a handful of tissues in her pocket as Kali approached her. 

“I’m sorry,” were the first words out of Sunshine’s mouth. Her shoulders slumped with tiredness and defeat. “I didn’t know this is what we’d come back to. If you want to leave, I get it.” 

Kali still looked indifferent with her arms crossed over her chest and her black makeup smudged under her dark eyes. “I will never understand your and Jane’s loyalty to this place,” she started. “The Lab is responsible for the messes here. The monsters Jane had told me about, the Upside Down. Yet, you’re still here, cleaning up after them. Why waste your time?” 

Sunshine looked past Kali, looking at Dustin and Max who shouldered their backpacks with steeled determination fixed on their young faces that had seen too much. She looked at Steve, who smiled when he realized she caught him looking at her. And she looked at Robin, who mumbled to herself as she quickly worked to close down the store so they all could leave and look for Eddie, risking her employment for the second time in less than a year to help them out. 

“We’re not loyal to Hawkins,” Sunshine said. “It’s about the people. Our friends. Our family. And because…” she trailed off with a sigh, wearing a sad smile. “Because no one else will.” 

The group all headed for the door, ready to go. Kali shifted in her boots, thinking. “Your friends are leaving,” she said. “We should get going.” 

Sunshine blinked, confused. “You’re coming with us?” 

“For now.” 

That was good enough for Sunshine. 

[donnabenevientosimpingzone]

Hey! Now that you’re back I wanted to ask about Resident Lover? I remember you were on the team- but then the game came out and your name wasn’t on the dev list... what happened?

I can’t escape this question can I- and for those of you who messaged me, I did delete them in hopes of avoiding this- but I don’t want rumours to spread so lemme be transparent.

Also pls read this for how I’m handling coming back to this blog: https://www.tumblr.com/donnabenevientosimpingzone/741337986608873472/complex-feelings-and-absolute-pandemonium-about-my

No, I wasn’t kicked off the team, nor was I invited back when I left- and they made the right choice doing that. I was not mentally stable. I didn’t take the project seriously, I had jealousy issues, and didn’t take criticism well- I self destructed badly- blew up and burned that bridge to ashes, not to mention what sorta hurt I caused the team.

It did hurt a lot when I saw the game release. I was so upset, and spent so many weeks thinking about “what if I didn’t fuck up”. But there are no “what ifs” in history, we are meant to go through what we do in order to become the best versions of ourselves. The whole ordeal was part of the last push I needed to finally seek professional help. And the fact it still hurts whenever I see it around means I still care and carry guilt about everything that happened.

I’m practicing exposure therapy to try and heal that gaping wound. RE8 has turned my life completely on its head and I don’t want to abandon it- the best outcome will be the day I can download and play the game and find it within myself to genuinely love it with no more wounds to lick- but for now I’m content with seeing it float around every once in a while on my dash.

Out of respect- I hope none of you will pester the devs about this either. They did something amazing, and I’m so proud of what they’ve accomplished. Out of all of them I really miss MJ. They were the best, most hilarious friend- I always thought they were super attractive- and the whole reason the game was possible. Show them some love- idk message them “you’re cool!” for me or something. Anon ask if you have to. Don’t tell them I’m the one who sent you- I think it’ll be funny to just have a whole buncha people messaging them outta nowhere bahaha

And with that I hope this clears it up and stops people from messaging anymore about it. It’s still a sensitive wound I’m working to heal and I’d like to do it at my own pace<3 I don’t regret the experience, I’m in such a better place now because of it. I would love to make peace with my past self and accept the pain as a part of growing.

Until then enjoy me going back to my usual shenanigans before all the shit hit the fan. I’m very excited to draw more Spider Donna and Beneviento Sisters, I hope y’all enjoy it too<3

Update edit: https://www.tumblr.com/donnabenevientosimpingzone/737803172475781120/stupid-lil-update-i-wanna-do-as-per-my-pinned

Update! https://www.tumblr.com/donnabenevientosimpingzone/737980137572892672/people-who-knowknew-me-personally-probably-arent

Update that shows old sprite: https://www.tumblr.com/donnabenevientosimpingzone/738487941680316416/want-me-as-a-professor-okay-damn-ignore-the

Update where I rant about Angie and Daniela with a cat: https://www.tumblr.com/donnabenevientosimpingzone/740499151828156416/can-we-see-the-png-of-the-angie-sprite-holding-a

Update about the dangie ask on the RL blog: https://www.tumblr.com/donnabenevientosimpingzone/742312364040454144/hey-just-a-heads-up-that-the-rl-team-recently

[stopitbehaveyourself]

Kind of long. Ranting about the ST fandom because I need to get this out of my system.

What I'm about to say doesn't really matter as such, because there's about 5 people here who I've somewhat befriended here anyway. But I'm done with this fandom and the people in this fandom. Not all of them, but a lot of them anyway.

The hatred, the absurdity, the creepiness, the toxicity. It's too much. I got into this fandom because I adored jamie (and I still do. Always will.) I've never really met him but from what I've seen, he's sweet, kind, and REALLY TALENTED. So as much as I'll continue to follow him, I've decided to part ways with this fandom. Through the blog anyway. Maybe being a silent fan was always the better option, because having this blog (and a now inactive page on Instagram) has burst my bubble.

When I say this fandom, I mean the ST fandom as a whole. Not just the jamie fandom. Where do I even get started?

Hating Millie Bobby Brown for talking too much and being too loud and rude when she was a literal child. As if you guys were real mature kids who'd behave at a press conference if you played a big character in a big fucking show.

All the hate grace van dien recieved for simply addressing the chemistry she thought Chrissy had with Eddie. Calling her obsessed with joseph- her actual real life friend- on a blog/page dedicated to Joseph Quinn - who probably doesn't know you exist. Who's more obsessed here? You're allowed to have a celeb crush or simp over a fictional crush or whatever but learn to separate reality from fiction and stop hating and hurting real people over fictional characters.

Knowing Joseph Quinn is a private person and yet so many people disrespecting his privacy at any chance they get.

The hate Eduardo Franco gets for talking too much or for his looks.

And an endless list of toxic things in the jamie fandom alone. (I probably missed out on plenty other shit that happened in the ST fandom in general because I wasn't ever involved with it in detail)

Jamie being asked to sign a marriage certificate by a fan. Even if it was fake, if he says he's uncomfortable you STOP. Just because you paid for an autograph doesn't mean you're entitled to get whatever you ask for. He has the right to deny, and when he does, you respect his boundaries and back the fuck off. You don't ask him for a refund when he doesn't even handle that shit.

Overanalysing everything he/the person he is around says/does. Breaking news: everything a person does doesn't have to have a masterplan behind it. They're people. Let them fucking breathe.

Leaking his music even when he specifically asked not to. Support his work ethically maybe?

The recent hacking: Jamie specifically asked not to engage and yet people went on and engaged and were surprised when they got blocked. It's common sense that sending hate to a hacker won't actually make them stop hacking when they have the option to simply block you. By pissing the hacker off you only make Jamie's work more difficult. Sit back and let him handle things by himself maybe? He's an adult with a good enough team who can sort the hacking out for him.

Shipping characters, having a celebrity crush, indulging in fanfictions. It's normal. But keep it to yourself maybe? Nobody wants to see a stranger on the internet showing them their sexual fantasies with them. Try imagining yourself in his shoes, it's uncomfortable as fuck. He is too polite to point it out directly, but some of y'all don't get the fucking hint when he indirectly expresses his discomfort, do you? You pass it off as a joke.

I could specifically list down at least 5 more things but they'd be an attack to specific people and I don't want to get into an argument with anyone or genuinely attack anyone personally either.

All I'm saying is that this fandom is fucked. I miss the times I was oblivious to all the drama going on, but my bubble has burst now, and I can no more look at a video/post related to stranger things and not remember the negativity attached to it. I need to get my head clear at least for now. So I call quits. Maybe I'll return some day but I hope it's not anytime soon. It doesn't matter anyway, apart from the few friends I made here. But I had to say this. It was in my system for way too long.

Please don't spread hate x