#I need to hit him with my car

[finn-from-adventure-time]

Me to my best friend two weeks ago: Dude I’m not watching fantasy high. There is no way you are convincing me to watch literal days and days worth of footage of a bunch of people playing dnd. It’s gonna be slow and I’m not gonna have the attention span for it.

Me now, on S1E12: If anything bad happens to Fabian Seacaster, son of Bill Seacaster, I will destroy the earth and everyone on it

[tweexcore-undrgrnd]

nothing is better than his smilerssss:3 so cutsie...

I'm gonna. throw a brick. at him.

(⁠ ⁠╹⁠▽⁠╹⁠ ⁠)

[autistic-dumbass]

Falling back into my Greek mythology interest means I’m reminded how much I hate Apollo

[bleachboils]

I keep waking up in a semi-cold sweat with only one thought in my head

[trixrabitcereal]

how i imagine he makes his stupid orders

[a-scary-lack-of-common-sense]

What is the lore on the cast on his foot?

It’s from the same car crash that gave him the chip in his tooth!

Basically, when Ford blasted his brain with Project Mentem, it reacted very badly because: 1. His head wound from his previous (attempted) surgery wasn’t fully closed, and 2. He had tampered with the machine to make its effects more potent.

But, then I thought to myself: wow, there is no way this motherfucker realistically survived malnutrition, sleep deprivation, mutilation (from Bill), a botched auto-brain surgery (in unsanitary conditions) AND getting basically electrocuted until his brain scrambled. I mean, plot armour is cool and all, but this seems a little excessive.

So, I was like: how can I get this guy to go to the hospital without having to call an ambulance to his place, and accidentally reveal the existence of the portal to the authorities wayyy too early in the timeline?

Solution? Hit him with a car.

[No blood version.]

So this is what happens: Ford wakes back up in his underground lab, disoriented, confused, and overwhelmed. In his dazed delirium, he somehow manages to leave his shack and finds himself staggering around in the woods aimlessly. Then, he walks into the road and gets hit by a car. He is sent to the hospital, and he gets a little bit better with their treatment so that he isn’t on the brink of death (although they were unable to pry the metal out of his head without causing serious issues). But ultimately, he freaks out when he wakes up in the hospital like a week later and instantly ditches the place, rushing back into the town streets. His injuries weren’t fully healed by the time he woke up though, so he was stuck with the cast and the chip in his front tooth.

[minthological]

i finished my game.

[brutally-loving]

Me, five days ago: man I need a new f/o... as a treat

Me, now thoroughly fucked (wish was granted): I have a new boyfriend and it will be EVERYONE'S problem ✌️💞 HE IS EVERYTHING TO ME AND IT IS EVERYONE'S PROBLEM NOW.

[jtl-fics]

Fluent Freshman - Part 11

PREVIOUS

FF could admit that he may not be working with a full tank at the moment.

He had not slept very well the night before.

He had watched a lot of horror movies (a genre that he generally does not consume because his mind is already a scary enough place).

He was not able to go see his Grandma and he was going to miss the traditional(tm) Black Friday extravaganza that he and his Grandma did every Black Friday since he was little and encountered the horrible truth about Santa and she’d let him in on when / where most of his Christmas gifts were obtained. (The answer was not the North Pole under the watchful eye of elves. He had cried himself to sleep at the revelation but Gran always had a way of making the worst moments of his life tolerable.)

He may have eaten just…a bit too much pie?

He definitely ate too much turkey.

His stomach is killing him because he had forgotten to take his pepto when he had slammed that five hour energy.

His heart may actually break out of his rib cage with how hard it’s beating in his chest.

He’s been listening to Andrew and Captain Neil go back and forth for the last hour and a half between discussing Aaron’s recent mess ups, to what they’ll do to one another with a locked door between them and the world, to Andrew complaining that Neil’s hand is sweaty, to Neil saying Yes and Andrew’s hand is no longer in Neil’s and-

He clenches his eyes close.

And Andrew has swerved back into the lane for the third time in the last five minutes while saying something unrepeatable about his plans for Captain Neil and the whipped cream.

FF does not handle swerving cars very well.

He hears Andrew say something that sounds like it could lead to a very uncomfortable yeast infection for Captain Neil didn’t properly rinse off afterwards.

The car swerves over the rumble strip.

A fear far stronger than his fear of what Andrew could do to him overtakes him.

“I don’t like swerving cars. So, I’m going to ask that you focus on the road and keep your hands on the steering wheel.” FF says so panicked that he sounds calm and he watches as both Neil and Andrew stiffen at the sound of his voice. “If you can’t, then I’m going to ask that you pull over and let me out.” He offers a second option and a part of him is just amazed that his voice doesn’t crack even once. “I’m fine with either option.” He says.

He says both are fine but…

Honestly he hopes Andrew chooses the first option as he looks at the dark and lonely highway.

He looks back up at the front seat and both Neil and Andrew are looking straight forward. Andrew’s hands are on the steering wheel.

“Thanks.” He says and returns his attention to back over Aaron’s head.

The rest of the ride to Columbia is blessedly quiet. Aaron and Nicky wake up when they get off of the interstate and Nicky has the good grace to try and wipe the drool out of FF’s hair while Aaron seems unbothered by the wet spot he left of FF’s shoulder.

They get out of the car and they each grab their own bag in exhausted silence. Nicky is barely managing to put one foot in front of the other and before FF can do or say anything Nicky is in his room and has locked his door.

The room that FF had been planning on sleeping on the floor of because Nicky had told him he could so that FF would not drink 20 5-hour energies over the course of the weekend.

But Nicky had looked really tired.

So he is given a general tour by a very quiet Captain Neil and FF forces himself not to think about the cooler that Andrew had brought to, what he assumes is, Andrew’s bedroom before it was brought to the kitchen. He gets shown where the blankets and pillows that Kevin uses are and FF nods in quiet acceptance even knowing that he is going to spend the night going over Katakana flashcards and maybe up his literacy on Kanji to a second grader’s level.

Captain Neil wishes him a good night while Andrew gives him a nod and it is the last time he sees Captain Neil that night.

It is not the last time he sees Andrew.

***

Andrew comes out of his room to go get two glasses of water nearly 2 and a half hours later. The house is silent and dark. He is pretty sure him and Neil are the only two up.

He is wrong.

He comes out into the living room on his way to the kitchen and finds FF going through flashcards at a rapid pace. He walks a little closer to see what it is but the flashcards aren’t even right side up half of the time.

He thinks about the car ride.

‘I don’t like swerving cars.’

FF had said it so matter of factly. He was uncomfortable with the swerving.

Andrew had told FF recently about the words he didn’t like.

It felt like FF was offering at least something of himself back to Andrew for the first time.

Andrew thinks about how once his hands had gone back to the steering wheel FF had leaned back into his seat and stared out the window.

Andrew has at various points tried to look up what FF’s circumstances were but searching news sites for someone named ‘Smith’ with no first name to work off of was an exercise in futility.

Neil has lamented many times to Andrew about his bizarre jealousy over how unknowable Smith is. “He’s learning new languages, keeping a low profile, and playing Exy. It’s everything that I wanted in my freshman year and couldn’t manage because Riko pissed me off so much! It’s just kind of hard to see someone living my dream.” He says.

Andrew had punched him in the arm for that one.

“My old dream!” Neil had said and Andrew almost punched him again for the smile he flashed but had ended up kissing his stupid pretty face instead.

Where was he?

Right.

FF didn’t like swerving cars.

It didn’t necessarily have to be the trauma that lead to that aversion. Andrew certainly hadn’t had anything scare him on a plane but he still hated flying.

Still.

“The flash card is upside down.” He says and watches as FF pauses in his shuffling before righting that card and flipping to the next one which was turned to the side as far as Andrew could tell.

FF should be asleep.

FF is not asleep.

It might be Andrew’s fault that his friend can’t sleep.

“It won’t happen again.” He says and FF turns and stares at him blankly for a few seconds before he nods his acceptance.

It’s nice having a friend who understands what he means without needing to explain every little thing.

***

FF thinks he might have double-dosed on the 5-hour energy.

He also thinks he might currently be able to see through time.

His flashcards are making so much sense right now.

Then Andrew had come up and it truly was a miracle that he did not shit himself considering the sheer amount of apple pie still making its way through his system. That’s a lot of fiber for one body and he’s sure the 2-3 Five Hour energies he has taken are not helping his plight in that regard.

“It won’t happen again.” Is what Andrew says and in an instant FF feels his stomach drop to his feet. He nods blankly and watches as Andrew nods back before the man went to the kitchen and left with two tall glasses of water.

‘It won’t happen again’

FF has asked Andrew for TWO favors today.

TWO WHOLE FAVORS.

WHAT WAS HE THINKING?

The answer was that he WASN’T.

Even if FF had paid back one of those favors with the sheer power of his granny’s pie there was the case of the secondary favor he’d asked for in the car.

‘It won’t happen again’

There won’t be anymore favors for FF. He’d used up any mercy his grandma’s pie had bought him.

He considers the time pulls out his phone and goes through some saved text files on his phone.

It’s time for guns even bigger than his grandma’s apple pie.

He takes another five hour energy and knows that he won’t be sleeping a wink. He looks up groceries stores that are open this early on Black Friday, he grabs his wallet and with immense fear in his heart grabs the keys Aaron had dropped into a bowl by the front entrance.

He needs the ingredients for his great-grandma’s brownies.

Do your civic duty and: CAST YOUR VOTE TODAY ABOUT MEMES

NEXT

Per y’all’s requests:

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As stated before if you’re up here and I spelled it right but you didn’t get a notification there might be something switched around in your settings that won’t let me tag you properly?

[iheartjameshetfield]

god the feminist in me leaving my body the second i open this app

[finniestoncrane]

i was a bit distressed by my inability to let things go yesterday but i’m putting a positive spin on it by knowing that even if i’m hurting and burdened by thoughts, at least i know how to filter the rude stuff that has no place in what i say or write so that no one else is hurt

at least i’m kind u-u

[mcybree]

i need to start hating other characters besides just scott apparently. does anyone have suggestions

[nethnad]

good morning everybody this is your daily reminder to read empire of glass by andy lane. right now actually. stop everything you're doing. look at these clowns. case studies in the cain instinct. prime examples in fact

[vzajemnik]

nooo okay not goodnight i need to literally kill him aka bring him to suicide i just cant believe the entirety of our relationship. likeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. how are you gonna make a pact with me that we keep dating people not to date them but to find new places for us to hang out at and then get mad at me that its all i talk about (not true) and when i stop dating around get mad at me for stopping and then yourself go on a date and text me from the date about all the places we can check out now. and then get MAD AT ME AGAIN FOR DOING THE SAME THING. I WAS GONNA FIND YOU A PLUGGG YOU STUPID FUCKING BITCH

[ihamtmus]

.

[tkbrokkoli]

cant believe that after driving the car, riding the train, booking a hotel room, having a nightmare, visiting the father in law, visiting a hospital, making a friend, and escaping an assassin, the incomprehensible Horrors™ are back at it again and harder to bear than ever 🐻