#I need to do an inbox purge at some point.

[total-drama-brainrot]

I forgot how many assistant Noah and p!Noah asks I have just rotting away in my inbox.

My bad.

[transmutationisms]

i have a handful of anonymous asks in my inbox right now asking about harm reduction as applied to eating disorders that their loved ones are experiencing. i'm not answering these individually, both because it would get repetitive and because i don't know your loved ones and can't give them personal advice, but i did want to say a few general things on this topic.

the basic principles of harm reduction are the same in regards to EDs as anything else. the point here is not to force a person to stop doing something dangerous (this is impossible) or even to pressure them to stop (this also doesn't work, and will often have the effect of making you into a person they don't feel safe around and can't turn to for help, thus actually decreasing their access to support and resources). instead, the goal of harm reduction generally is to give people the knowledge and resources they need to engage in risky behaviours as safely as possible. the reasons people do things that are physically or socially harmful to them vary, obviously, but in general these behaviours are serving some purpose in the person's life, like providing emotional 'blunting' they need to deal with otherwise intolerable circumstances, or meeting a physical need for specific substances. harm reduction meets people where they are, beginning with the premise that they deserve basic respect, dignity, and self-determination, whether or not they continue to engage in behaviours that may be endangering them.

some baseline harm reduction strategies for EDs could include:

take necessary safety precautions if (over)exercise is a feature of the disorder, or if you are at risk for fainting; ideally, have someone around (or reachable by phone) who can help in case of injury

do your best to compensate for any micronutrient deficiencies resulting from food restriction; dietary supplementation may be necessary

know if any substances/pharmaceuticals you may use (recreationally or not) can affect you more strongly, faster, or more dangerously on an empty stomach; here, harm reduction for EDs will overlap with harm reduction for drug use

know the signs of electrolyte imbalance and resultant cardiac events, particularly in EDs involving purging by laxative use or self-induced vomiting; keep a stockpile of items like sports drinks/gels that can rapidly replenish electrolytes; know where to seek emergency medical treatment and how to recognise when it may be vitally necessary

monitor long-term health risks, like bone density loss, tooth enamel damage, hyperglycaemia (in cases of diabulimia), &c. note that both this step and the above require finding medical practitioners who will treat patients non-judgmentally and without threat of institutionalisation

....and so forth.

harm reduction plans are highly individualised: they depend on the person's own goals and desires. a harm reduction plan might include strategies for engaging in ED behaviours less frequently or intensely, and may even include a long-term goal of recovery. however, harm reduction has not 'failed' if the person doesn't want to, or can't, reduce frequency or severity of behaviours right now or ever. ED harm reduction that does include goals for reducing behaviours, without necessarily trying to eliminate them entirely, might include strategies like:

purge less frequently; avoid or reduce flushing and chew/spit

reduce food restriction by raising calorie limits, not counting calories at all, eating certain 'fear foods', &c

identify triggers for restriction, binging/purging, &c; try to avoid those triggers (& possibly enlist assistance doing this)

ask someone trusted to eat with you if this would help you, for example, become more comfortable with eating non-restrictively, and turn eating into a social connection rather than a stressful event

consume a sufficient amount of food regularly and consistently <- this is the bedrock of all recovery work

again, though, the particular strategies in a person's harm reduction plan will depend on what they want to implement and are capable of doing right now. a person who's not ready for any step that asks them to engage in fewer behaviours, or to engage in behaviours less frequently, can still benefit from a harm reduction approach if they're interested. this is a conversation that should always be approached non-judgmentally and with the understanding that any harm reduction plan depends on the person's own capacities and goals. harm reduction is not about telling someone else what would be 'best' for them in an 'ideal' world. it's about meeting them where they are right now.

something important to note about EDs is that efforts to restrict food and food groups and to shrink body size are considered extremely common and 'normal' in much of the contemporary popular culture, and are frequently encouraged and prescribed by medical practitioners. this means that even when you are worried about someone with a self-endangering ED, there is often a considerable risk that, in trying to help them, you might still be promoting or acceding to the same fatphobic logic that can fuel the ED. if you, for instance, think that pursuing intentional weight loss is generally benign or healthy; if you have ideas about what size a person's body 'should' be based on things like actuarial charts; if you think that some foods are universally 'bad' and need to be restricted or eliminated; if you think that food should be 'earned' or compensated for by physical activity—stop, do not pass go, and do not try to dispense any kind of advice, harm reduction or otherwise, to someone struggling with an ED. you are not capable of being a resource here unless and until you are committed to a politics of fat liberation, disability rights, mad liberation, and anti-racism. you are not reducing harm if you are contributing to further entrenching the cultural beliefs and economic mechanisms of fatphobia and body fascism that the ED itself thrives on.

(**i am not saying that all EDs start or end with the desire to be thin as articulated through white supremacist body ideals, but it is a very common feature at this moment in history, and having these ideas reinforced, including through the lens of medical fatphobia, can certainly contribute to or worsen already-present behaviours and thought patterns where EDs are concerned.)

harm reduction also means giving a person the knowledge they need to evaluate their own goals and needs. in regards to EDs specifically, lots of public health communication is confounded by industry-funded diet and 'obesity' research that prescribes food restriction, compensatory exercise, and other recognisably 'eating disordered' behaviours, especially to fat people. many people with EDs, and their loved ones, may not even realise how many misconceptions they have learned about body size, nutrition, and the health risks of EDs. some basic places to start learning about these things from a weight-neutral / fat-liberationist angle that i would suggest include: christy harrison's podcast 'food psych' (her book is also decent but treads a lot of the same ground); gwyneth olwyn's work; lindo bacon and lucy aphramor's papers on 'health at every size'; jennifer gaudiani's book 'sick enough', which is a good starter resource on the medical effects of EDs. note that none of these resources are working within an explicitly harm reductionist framework, and imo make some missteps in this arena! but they still contain insights and information that can be useful to those who are interested in harm reduction, and to those with EDs generally.

harm reduction can be a tool to recovery, or a step on that road; it can also be an alternative for people who are not ready to seek recovery, and who may never be ready. the reality is that you cannot force someone to stop engaging in behaviours they rely on to live, whether drug use, EDs, or anything else. harm reduction proceeds from this place and from a fundamental commitment to respect for people who are generally already suffering. when approaching a loved one, you may or may not be able to initiate a conversation in which you express, eg, that you are worried about them hurting themselves, and would like to offer whatever emotional or material resources you can to help. but you have to go into any such interaction understanding that they may very well already know all of the risks of what they're doing, and may have other reasons they can't or don't want to stop. if you're trying to impose your will on them---by force, pressure, or coercion---you're not doing harm reduction, and you're most likely alienating them and turning yourself into a person they don't feel safe around where these behaviours are concerned.

[bonesandthebees]

I'm not sure if any of this is as important to say as I feel like it is, but just in case, here it is.

Idk about you, but I'm really tired of having things taken from me because the cc's were abusive. I say this with an emphasis on the fact that supporting their victims and condemning their actions is far more important, that I'm not giving that man a single cent anymore. The most important thing the community can do is support the people he hurt. But It's still gonna hurt to purge my playlist because we, as a community, were lied to. And something I derived comfort from, especially in the wake of recent personal events, has been taken from me. Not by the community or by the people coming out; by him and his actions.

So seriously thank you for creating a space for people to talk about what's going on, because it's so easy to feel guilty right now for having feelings about this situation. Especially as a neurodivergent person whose main comfort is music, including music (and YouTube videos) he made.

I just feel like it's important to put this out there. The community as a whole needs to support the victims, but it's also okay to feel betrayed and it's okay to look at his songs in your playlist, dreading deleting them, for a while. No one will hate you for that. You're not a bad person for that. They're just songs or videos, but they're content that mattered to some of us. How dare he ruin that for all of us. How dare he.

Now that I've written a whole entire novel, please take care of yourself. I know I'm an internet stranger but I almost didn't write this because I think that it's important to emphasize that while I'm glad to see Tumblr users creating a space to talk for those of us who don't post and such, I also think it's way more important that your blog be a safe space for you yourself.

- a rambly anon 🪐

yeah, trust me, I'm fucking sick of this too. you're not selfish for feeling upset about deleting his songs from your playlist or not being able to watch vods of his for comfort anymore. you are not a bad person for having an attachment to someone who lied to his audience about who he was. you are human. you are allowed to be upset.

also, to veer slightly from your point but to bring something else up, while I know there are varying opinions on the community in this I personally don't think I want to let this make me stop hoping for people to be good. yes, it might seem like an endless pattern of people you like being revealed to be assholes. and for some people, they might want to leave the community to avoid that disappointment again. for me, I'm not going to put cc's up on a pedestal and expect them to be great people, but I'm not going to expect the worst from them either. keep my expectations realistic, but not pessimistic. content creators are flawed human beings like the rest of us, and sometimes they can be really shitty people, but sometimes they can be good people too. and I'm always going to hope for the latter.

and thank you for thinking of me. honestly the reason I've slowed down answering asks the past few days is precisely because I've been trying to take care of myself. I've gone up and down in terms of how I'm doing, and when I'm not feeling up to it I don't touch my inbox.

and despite everything that's happened this morning, I've had a good day. I got myself a cinnamon roll. I'm drinking green tea and it's sunny out. I saw flowers blooming on the side of the road and it made me smile. focusing on the little things, you know?

[britts-galaxy-brain]

Do you hear yourself right now! Poppy has never had cub art made of any of her fursonas! “She's admitted to sexually abusing an underage family member.” was when Pooppy was an extremely young child and recreated the abuse an adult was already doing to her. This is extremely common in CSA victims and is called COCSA. You defended Courtney Orchard to the death when she admitted to doing the same exact thing! The only reason you're calling Poppy a pedophile over it is because you’re a Milena wannabe. Given these blatant lies you told, why would I trust a word out of your mouth. If you're willing to lie about a tragic COCSA chain to hurt a trans woman, there's nothing you won’t do.

Do not tell me I didn't see what I saw with my own fucking eyes. Poppy posted images of Pepper in compromising positions, the same sort of common poses lolicons and cub artists use. On Twitter. That was part of why she purged it.

Poppy was 17 when she committed the abuse. She changed her story when people pointed out how fucked and unforgivable it was.

Courtney capitulated because Poppy had been badgering and coercing him for days on end, taking advantage of the fact that Courtney had JUST started unpacking some really dark fucking abuse and needed a platform to warn others about her predator sister. I can back that up because Poppy tried to do the same shit to me, then turned around and told her server I "reciprocated" when I very clearly did not.

You're listening to an abusive gaslighting PEDOPHILE.

Get the fuck out of my inbox.

[treacherousrift]

Same anon who asked your trans Sam childhood hc. See here are some things: Sam started going on hunts later than Dean and I believe that bc he’s transmasc and John being shit didn’t think girls could hunt. A crucial Sam thing is autonomy. Over his body in every sense. No John I’m your son. No my body shouldn’t look like this. I need to better stronger the best guy. Of course he eats mostly salad and works out, it’s another means of control. Both gender affirming and helps him be a better hunter. It proves something. Because his body has always been wrong. Wrong gender. It’s a depth of wrongness that’s cellular. To his blood and abilities from it. The pros and cons. He’s always felt like a monster. He feels terrible how much he loves the power and Control when he drinks demon demon blood. (Hc holy water & salt is itchy to him) He was born as a catalyst promise. His mother sold him to hells king. His mother burned for interrupting. Sent them on a hunt. He feels responsible despite it being Mary’s fault. He feels he deserves the punishment of demon blood. Whenever he met a girl he liked she was a monster. His first kiss was with a monster. Trans Sam is a rebel in every way. He’s a hunter who’s a monsterfucker and ends up booking of hell. Hc he drank demon blood again became hells king and still hunted in earth because he has purity issues. He needs to cleanse the world of evil since he can’t purge it from himself. Nothing felt better than when he accepted the demon blood in him and how thirty he is for it. How he loves being a psychic. He grew his hair out again bc when he was teenage boy he gave himself a buzz cut to look more manly. Later realized he missed his long hair and it has nothing to do with how much of a man he is. He’s stubborn and angry and has control issues and is obsessive about purity. He prayed everyday and the angels when he met them call him out by his blood. Just. Sam and purity and powers and being trans. Also gay. So gay. Like esp first five seasons with him always being the freak and something abt him just not aligning with the other kids who didn’t like the strange new kid. He’s a freak and I wanna make a home inside his ribs.

This is potentially the most thought out and important thing I’ve ever read in my inbox. Thank you so much for this I am thoroughly agreeing with this, it’s different and I like it, and I’m also thinking abt it a lot and will think a lot about it for a long time. And I like the point abt him being a rebel in every way because he’s also exceeding gender roles and gender constructs but also the conventions of who he is supposed to be morally? I love this ah so gay exactly

[rosebud-anonymous]

Will coming back to Tumblr bring back my teenage angst?

So, it's been a hot minute since I've done anything worthwhile on this website - if I did anything worthwhile in the first place is questionable.

As I've grown older, I've come to learn that I'm a person who loves to write (even if it's total trash), and inside me is an overwhelming need to share my voice and thoughts (without absolutely steamrolling my friends and family).

If you don't know what steamrolling means in this context, I'm basically saying that I don't want to turn into one of those raging pain in the ass people who dump all of their unsolicited thoughts and opinions on their loved ones. I care about them too much and frankly, anything I'm writing about is probably not something I'm forwardly proud of, and that's why I've chosen to keep myself anonymous. Sometimes there is shit that I want to get out there (don't worry, I'm not hateful or racist) but I don't actually fancy discussing it with anybody. Essentially, I've been inspired to jump on here and purge whatever's inside me in the form of written word. Don't worry, I'm not expecting you to find this interesting (but I'm impressed if you've read this far). I'm here to serve myself and myself alone.

My first thoughts about this platform actually lead me back to a stressful time in my life - being 17. Ha, I know, STRESSFUL. As if.

I like to laugh at myself for thinking that life was genuinely stressful at this age, it's easy to look back on your past self and cringe over something like this. But I think it's time to change the narrative and stop this intergenerational trend of who had it harder, or in this instance, dismissing the feelings of my past self because I know I have dealt with worse things since then.

At this age, you start to experience many new feelings and experience things you've never experienced before. Every time I think about Tumblr, I think about a boy hurting my feelings and making me feel like an absolute knob. Laughable now, but I'll give you a quick summary of what happened.

I'm 17 years old, I've recently left my years-long high school relationship and have started dating a boy a few years older than me. That's right, I'm the cool kid on the block with a boyfriend who has already left school and can buy my tobacco for me. Hell yeah. But oh, what's this? The ex girlfriend he was completely over and 'hated' was still trying to get in contact with him. No problem, he was ignoring her and I was his number one. Hell yeah.

We're four months (ha!) into our relationship and what do you know, the little shithead found a very cunning way to keep in touch with her without me or anyone else knowing - that 'ask an anonymous question' function on Tumblr. They would send little messages to each other as 'anonymous' via the question box, delete the message they had received and then send their replies anonymously back via the same function. Almost like an anonymous Snapchat, if you will.

Fortunately for me, he made the grave error of checking his message/question inbox in front of me which revealed my worst horrors. It was clear as fucking day who was behind that anonymous title, and you bet that was a clean cut 'fuck off' from me after that. It didn't stop my feelings from being hurt or the humiliation that followed though. Over ten years later, I still find this act incredibly snakey, but I'll give them ten points for creativity. This was the short story about why I associated Tumblr with teenage angst, and still do to this day. This story alone has sent me back to those tough days as a heartbroken teen.

This particular individual had some dirty secrets, and one day I might reveal a thing or two. I guess it will depend just on how petty I'm feeling - there's a reason I've chosen to do this anonymously, ha!

That's the end of today's waffle. Enjoy the maple syrup.

[bytebun]

📒🙏

Put "📓" or some other version of a book emoji into my inbox and I'll explain the plot of a fanfiction that I haven't written but daydream about.

hohoho ok. I feel like I need to give some context for this one.

Basically, I had a long time travel story idea that can be summarized as such:

Cody: supreme chancellor's haunted Alpha-17: what? Cody: [cocking a blaster] supreme chancellor's haunted

(in which Cody, accidental time traveler, immediately attempts to assassinate the nearest Sith Lord.)

My characterization of Cody, who is in many ways an everyman for the clones in a way that Rex very much isn't - is that he's caught somewhere between being a weapon and being a person. And for Cody in particular, he always has to be a commander before he's a brother. So in all these different ways this person of "Cody" doesn't exist without the war, and what the community around him needs from him (his duty), which is great fun when you take him out of it and give him a little shake. And when he realizes that he's never really had a choice in his entire life, that everything he thought he'd chosen was basically not really a choice at all... how does he go on?

The easy choice at those crossroads is to become a weapon - to define yourself by some mission, and lose yourself in its pursuit. (It's almost like religion, in a way - not derogatory but. giving yourself up for something greater, and making your suffering mean something - isn't that what humans want? To believe?) Like crazy murdering a Sith Lord. But of course, Cody on kamino, even half out of his mind with grief and anger, is going to pick his duty to his brothers first before doing a murder - for better or worse.

Ok all of that is the pre-amble. jaslkdfsdlkf.

I thought, ok so Cody is like this on Kamino. Because he's a man defined by what the people around him need him to be. Let's take him even further out of that - what happens if he gets dropped off somewhere else? Where his duty to his brothers is not so immediate, not so present?

AU of my own AU where our dear Commander, in control of himself for the first time since Order-66, wakes up on Tatooine.

And the nearest future-Sith is Anakin Skywalker, age 8.

He ends up with his blaster pointed at this child ensconced in his mother's arms, trembling with fear, helpless. It would be pitiable, if he didn't know exactly what kind of monster the boy would grow up to be.

Commander Cody of the 212th Attack Battalion, under one General Kenobi, had never killed a child. Would never.

Purge trooper CC-2224 never had a choice.

He has one now.

[dreamii-yume]

I would like to thank these kinds of anons and everyone else for checking in on me every few weeks and saying great things about my work up until now, despite the fact that I haven’t been active for a while ☠️

I’ve been gone for almost six months now, and I just want to clarify that I am not dead, my darlings (Yay~) ☠️ Some of y’all in my inbox are worried that something might have happened to me and while I do appreciate the concern, I’m really just trying to survive right now lol

I fucked up college a little while back and it made me just a little bit depressed, This is a lie, I cried myself to sleep for three days straight so I proceeded to distance myself from the world in order to cope. It’s a toxic trait of mine, y’all don’t have to worry about it lol I got into a really bad place, and I couldn’t find it in me to enjoy the things I used to enjoy for a while–That includes hornii and writing (Yes, those are my only strengths, please don’t laugh)

I guess I became so lonely at some point and in desperate need of a distraction from the big sad, so I tried to exploring back on my hobbies. Thankfully, I’m slowly getting myself back together and I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel I’m not dying, I swear to God– I’m reverting back to how I once before, and would like to feel the thrill of Hornii again lol

Anyway, I may not be as active as how I once were, but I still love writing hornii and would like to keep this blog as a safe place for me to archive my own ideas, as well as other darlings who have the same mindset and interests as me.

…With that said, however, I will now announce that I will not take any more Sinfic requests, but would be open for some suggestions and ideas for those who just wants to talk about Hornii. I no longer want to stay in just a single fandom, I want to explore! I want to write more Yandere Non-Con about characters that people rarely touch! (The previous Blue Lock Sinfic was the result of this impulse) I’m willing to learn more for the sake of Hornii.

Finally, I will also soon purge my inbox as every time I see it, I get burnt out and it overwhelms me, though it really pains me to do this. I had wonderful anons whose message/requests/ideas never got reply from a long time ago because I don’t know what to say and it just made guiltier and guiltier each day.

With that said, (Whew) Thank you for understanding! I hope you have a good day, and stay Hornii as always~! 👀💦

[omegapausestuck]

So you killed Homestuck². Let’s talk

Hello, hello.

It’s me; 5ider.

Now, I know that you all don’t care about me, and maybe you shouldn’t, but I have been one of Homestuck’s most stalwart supporters. I’m one of the old guard, from back when the MSPA forums were still up and running — when "Karkat steals hands” was still considered the peak of comedy... and I have waded through Andrew’s knee-deep bullshit through hell to high water, patiently waiting for the pay-off that will surely someday come. I do this because I believe that there is something pure, and genuinely wonderful, buried beneath all the self-effacing and irony and melodramatics; and I wanted to make sure, that as long as there is one more person out there with any level of investment with this fandom, I would be there to show them that we care.

Through all the pauses and retcons and hiatuses and everything, I have remained steadfast. Even during the godawful GIGAPAUSE, where I watched in horror as hundreds of my friends wandered away to greener pastures, I made a promise to post something wholly original EVERY DAY!—just to keep the fires of fandom burning even a little bit longer—and when it turned out that the thing lasted more than the three weeks I feared it would, I never relented. 365 days gave 365 new pieces of content; despite the inexplicable strain it put on my mind, my body, and my spirit. I wound up in the hospital for overwork, and I never even mentioned it. The posts still flowed nevertheless.

Now, like I said, I have been a part of this community for a very long time, and I have, indeed, born witness to all manner of malice, and childish savagery. Of course, I’m nowhere near happy with the stories I’ve been given. I’ve been very vocal about my reservations, and my dissatisfaction, along the way; but I have always been a staunch believer in the respect of your fellow peers. You can only expect to be heard when you take the time to listen to others! No belittling, no bullying, no exposing, no.. no fuckeries!!! As such, I made a specific choice not to lend credence to these people, and neither respond nor denounce their behavior, because it’s not my job to be your babysitter, and it’s not my responsibility to educate other thoughtful, intelligent people in how to carry themselves. I just figured that eventually people will figure it out, and those who can’t play nice will eventually burn out all their own goodwill. I wanted to magnify what is good, and uplifting about us. By spotlighting the best of us, those with intent to spark wildfires of confusion and rancor might see that there were other ways to express their feelings. Powerful ways. Maybe even forms that are Objectively Beautiful.

But I can’t keep quiet any longer. I fear that my silence has allowed others with more short-term, violent ambitions to fester forth, and grow, unchecked, with time. I’ve seen hosts descend on misinformed, ignorant, and even innocent parties; with ruthless ferocity, unquenchable in their bloodlust and fervor. I’ve watched you bully, and gaslight, and purge, and raze through people; using them up like they’re no more than firewood to be cast into the pyre of this never-ending witch hunt for “equality,” and ..what’s that other one? “Employee benefits of the what pumpkin team?”

What a load of bullshit.

Many of you just want an excuse to go vent your frustrations at someone, and you’ll use any hot buzz word you can get behind to lash out with your venemous tongue. Thousands of people descended on Hussie at one point because of some weird “Narrative Rights” meme, and once those ides were thankfully depleted, you doubled down and kept deluging his account with more and more words, “for the joke.” What purpose does it serve to send a windfall of pustulant notifications in a volume so grand that you can be absolutely certain that he won’t be able to apprehend it all?! All he can do is ignore you. Perhaps if a couple hundred meaningful messages were sent his way in a non-confrontational matter, he might be able to process them. Maybe he might even consider them, and eventually come to an understanding. But the way that we spearhead monolithic campaigns against people like an orchestral carpet-bombing of these people’s inboxes and notification feed! IS NOT CONSTRUCTIVE! A person drawing a picture of a he/him John Egbert IS NOT RECPTIVE! A writer involved in a fandom they are highly passionate about IS NOT VINDICTIVE! These are human BEINGS, you guys! They are people! Just like you or me! No one deserves to be crucified in this way! It doesn’t matter how much you dislike the thing that they’ve done, It doesn’t matter how inspired by emotions or opinions or trauma or sorrow, or any other such justification you dream up! You cannot talk to people in a way that is designed to crush their spirit, and bury them under a bottomless deluge of vitriolic malevolence. Every hour of every day. Twenty-four/seven. Day in, day out. Without ceasing.

You are not their Executioner.

You have no right to cast judgement on these people you have never met, and know nothing about. Very few of you have tried to initiate a genuine conversation with any of these people you are so consumed with resentment towards. Very few of you care. It needs to stop. I’m sick of seeing it. I’m sick of hearing about it. I’m sick of fearing it. You’ve harassed your way into your own detriment, and the bad faith of a few hundred-thousand has forced all the millions of us to suffer. MAYBE YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT HOMESTUCK^2. MAYBE YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT HIVESWAP. MAYBE YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT PESTERQUEST. MAYBE YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT PSYCHOLONIALS. BUT MANY OF US DO. AND IT IS NOT YOUR RIGHT TO SPEAK FOR ALL OF US. GROW UP. SIT DOWN. LISTEN.

that’s all

[titleknown]

have you seen sarah z's new video? i feel like it goes hand in hand with what you say a lot about the concerning movement of proshippers/anti antis (obvs your stance is a lot more nuanced, which i appreciate! but like thats the best way i can summarize it)

Oh, I did in fact watch it (Tho, it is not new anymore, I just have a very backed up inbox), and I do agree with a lot of the conclusions, in terms of the core premises  Tho, however, I do have some quibbles with it that I may as well tag in @dingdongyouarewrong if only to have a civil dialogue....

...Or, as it became while drafting this, diatribe because wow this got long.

Firstly, while I agree with the general idea that “anti” and “proshipper” are way too broad, I also think that the latter is significantly more united as a “side” due to…

Well, basically Ao3. Which has a tons of racist shit along with the likelihood they may have actually got their wholeass start due to racefail and even beyond that their support of pedoshit, and ; most releveant for this discussion, an actual institutional power to give their positions actual material impact and to create a “party line” to toe.

Meanwhile, all of us lumped into the so-called “antis” can do is yell, often at each other, because we don’t have our own Ao3. The grand majority of “Maybe we shouldn’t let NAMBLA shit on our archive” people I've seen fucking hate the “The Only Solution Is Federally Mandated Midna Porn Ban” people, to give an example.

But, the point is, it’s way easier to say one side is defending pedos if the hill they’re dying on is an organization giving them the ability to operate freely.

The second quibble is the whole… well, while I agree that a lot of the idea of  “irredeemable media” as a critique is incoherent when looking at the media in and of itself, the way people apply the label makes more sense when you see it as targeted less at the shows themselves and more at the social circles around the shows.

IE, it’s not that the shows are irredeemable, it’s that the people who like them are, and while that can be… overly-harsh on the direct text, it often comes from a very real place of getting a full-frontal face of the way that people use those seemingly “lesser” failures as carte-blanche for way more extreme shit, or even; like; just this hellish Florida-esque microagression-swamp few mortals could withstand.

Which, for the record, is why the colonialism Thing RE: the Avatar shipping shit mentioned in the video has become such a thing, because nobody in fandom in general gives a shit about imperalism, and that’s just a conveniently visible opening for BIPoC affected by it to vent.

Or why I’m so pissed at people saying YA authors had brainrot from their subject of choice for criticizing the morals of the classics when there were PoC in the fucking reblogs talking about how the white students in their class used it as an excuse super fucking racist to them, I’m still super mad about that.

The point is, like, as much as everybody loves Naobokov, his essay “Good Readers And Good Writers” is horseshit, media criticism cannot be isolated from the social circles they are in like a goddamn bubble, otherwise you get blindsided by shit like Gamergate or; to be more relevant again; Racefail.

So, I kinda reject the idea that so much of this comes from a hatred of being challenged, and while defending transgressive art, we need an answer to the tumors like; say; fandom racism or pedoshit, or even the “soft” defensiveness that lets the more extreme forms flourish. And I do mean tumors, because they are like a healthy concept (freedom of expression) turned to something strangling and grotesque...

...Tho, this is presuming fan-run platforms (Ideally ones better than Ao3), shit like Strikethrough or the Great Porno-Purge Betrayal by @staff is still godawful and should be roundly condemned.

But yeah, as… baroque as my quibbles are, I still do find a lot to agree with, because the point about how this conversation as it is is basically the death of nuance is vital, ditto for the points about the problems with the proshipper movement.

Hell, as much as I quibble with the whole view that people who call themselves “antis” just don’t want to be challenged, I have seen at least a few people who were real dickweeds about it, and the internet is being gentrified and sanitized, albeit as friend of the blog @pbscore has pointed a lot of people are way too quick to blame The Kids for what Men In Suits are doing.

I also may as well mention, for further reading, thelillithmachine is doing a series of posts on it, and their first one is also quite good in terms of nuance!

[transmutationisms]

trying to work out some thoughts on anorexia/restrictive eating disorders as inherently “mental illnesses” so forgive me for doing that in your inbox lol. but as someone who starved myself for a while as a teenager in order to fit into the ideal of thinness i reallyyyy hate when people call anorexia/bulimia a mental illness. what i was doing was very reasonable — i was trying to get thin, fast, so people would think of me as pretty/desirable, and starving myself was a way to do that. i feel like terming restrictive eating disorders as mental illnesses in & of themselves makes them seem like, unreasonable? or like you’re biologically predisposed to starve yrself? i guess i just want to know if you have any thoughts on the terming of “anorexia” or “bulimia” as mental illnesses (sorry for the vagueness of this question)

i have thoughts lol

in general i don't actually get a lot of mileage out of the concept of 'mental illness', tbh. there are lots of different things going on here—sometimes these labels are used to pathologise behaviours and experiences that are simply normal variations in human populations (& are often experienced as impairments due to the context of a social and economic environment designed to exclude them). sometimes they're just pathologising certain portions of the population, and are a tool for how marginalisation occurs, like 'drapetomania' or 'hysteria' or indeed the racialised nature of 'schizophrenia' diagnoses. sometimes what we call 'mental illness' is what i would argue is a very reasonable response to fucked up circumstances, like what you're talking about or indeed the inherently stressful and traumatising experience of, like, surviving capitalism. you also have to keep in mind that the way the pharmaceutical industry and the psychiatric establishment work in tandem means that some diagnostic labels come into existence after a drug is discovered/manufactured, and needs an insurance billing code in order to start making money.

on top of all this, as a philosophical point, 'illness' or 'disease' in medicine has some specific meanings (contested & varied over time/place, obviously) and i'm not actually convinced that affective distress is best explained or ameliorated by this framework. the argument that affective distress is a disease state has mostly been very useful for people who are invested in claiming medico-scientific authority and prestige for clinical and academic psychiatry. interestingly ofc, they have never fully succeeded in doing this because there are no biomarkers for psychiatric diagnoses, that's not how these diagnoses are made, and it's certainly not how they're treated (despite outright lies like the 'chemical imbalance' myth still being pushed on many patients).

when it comes to 'eating disorders' specifically, one thing to keep in mind up front is that although all eating disorders are restrictive in origin, both the responses to and causes of that restriction vary widely. the 'classic' story here since about the mid-20th century has been a (white, upper-class) girl who wants to be thin and starves herself in pursuit of beauty / social acceptance; depending on how she responds to this attempted restriction, you might see further restriction, binge-type behaviour, binge-purge behaviour, &c. but this is really only one eating disorder 'story'. as i've said before, food / energy restriction can start for a million different reasons, including lack of access to sufficient food, sensory aversions, other illnesses, over-exercise, &c. and people's mental and physical responses also vary a lot. i've probably never met a disordered eater who had NO thoughts on thinness as the beauty standard and beauty as currency—because of the social context we live in, these ideas will usually at some point become wrapped up in the food restriction, and are often major drivers of the sort of guilt response that tends to perpetuate eg a binge-restrict cycle. but this isn't to say that the desire for thinness is every disordered eater's sole or even primary psychological experience.

since my own experience has always been very similar to yours, though, i can speak to that a little. i agree with you fully in how i narrativise my own self-starvation, lmao. i don't think it's ever been some kind of biological predisposition with me, or a weird or aberrant or even pathological response to my circumstances. i actually think, given the social and familial context i grew up in, starving myself is one of the more logical and normal things i've ever engaged in. it's socially rewarded (both the resultant weight loss and the hypervigilant food / body behaviours in themselves) and emotionally numbing in a way that makes literally everything else 1 billion times easier to manage.

again, there's complexity here when talking about 'eating disorders' more broadly; people receive many different messages about food and body size, and respond to them differently as well. (this is a tricky thing with any diagnosis that's given on the basis of behaviours / symptoms—ie all psychiatric diagnoses—the label is ontologically incapable of differentiating between different causes for, and experiences of, what may be externally the same behaviours.) and it's also true that eating disorders involve a biological element in the sense that restrictive food intake (or the threat of restrictive food intake, like guilting yourself for eating something you perceive as unhealthy / fattening / &c) triggers a whole complicated physical response because, yknow, humans need to eat lol. but my point stands, i think: the psychiatric discourse of 'eating disorders' is still very wilfully decontextualising them, because otherwise it would have to become a broader social justice conversation about things like poverty and weight stigma. that's not something that psychiatry is disciplinarily equipped to do!

[dabi0118]

“You’re no better than predators grooming minors.”

Listen I completely agree with your sentiment no fucking minor should be interacting with 18+ spaces but are you fucking kidding me?

They are the minors, they endanger everyone in situations like that, most importantly themselves because they’re children and children cannot safeguard themselves

It is wild because I completely agree with you but that statement is maddening

THEY ARE THE ONES IN DANGER OF BEING GROOMED

They’re terrible people who are endangering themselves and creators but you don’t need to compare them to pedos to get that point across

Ohhh I'm sorry- no I'm not.

TW/CW: DISCOURSE, HARSH LANGUAGE, GROOMING, MENTIONS OF SEXUAL ABUSE, MANIPULATION, MINORS

First off, since ya know so much about child predators already, lemme just give you some quick definitions and examples of grooming.

If you so happen to grace us with your reading skills- grooming includes the act of manufacturing a FALSE BOND of trust in order to get something out of another individual. Which is what child predators do. When they groom minors. It is a valid comparison. And I'll tell you why.

Oh and another thing? Don't fucking talk to me like that. You don't know me.

You might think I'm just spewing bullshit out of rage, or you've already stopped reading at this point because you can't bear to accept my honest opinion- which by the way, fuck off. If you really hated my statement so much, just block me and ignore me. Can't believe I'm sitting here typing out a useless fucking response. But I'm going to, so you and all these other shit for brains can maybe understand where I'm coming from.

Didya know that minors can exploit/groom other minors? Okay. Well did you know minors could also do that to adults? No?

Well it happened to me. 😍

Now listen, I'm not talking about 12 year olds pretending to be 18 on roblox.. I'm not talking about 6/7/8 year olds stumbling on omegle. No.

I'm talking about 17 year olds who deliberately lie because they think- oh one more year isn't so bad. Then continue to build and form trust with adults who really don't want to be involved in this shit. Then they distribute harmful content to them. They possibly even make the really awful terrible decision of sending inappropriate photos to them- unsolicited!

I'm talking about 14 year olds like sugarbunkatsu- YES I'M NAMEDROPPING - who flew under everyone's radar and built trust by trying to "expose" minors herself- sending me and other people suspicious evidence of other accounts... Pretending to be 18 when she was really fucking 14. And she knew it was wrong. She knew. You know how many people were fucked up after that purge post?

In my case, when I was 18, I was mentally and emotionally manipulated and exploited by somebody younger than me. He was a minor. He knew he was doing it. He built false trust with me for years before this, making me believe shit, literally was overly nice to me just to paint a good guy act- and to top it all off, he painted me as the villain infront of family and friends.

Of course I got blamed for it, because I was the adult in the situation.

And even as I tried to cease contact and communication, he guilt tripped me. Made my life a living hell. I still have nightmares about him, and his entire presence still triggers me and fucks me up to this day. I am 22.

But I'm supposed to excuse that cause he was just a child and he can't safeguard himself right?

So yeah, as you can see, it makes me fucking mad to see minors do this. There's simply no excuse. It is predatory behavior to scope out ADULTS to interact with even when they see that big ass MINORS DNI on the front fucking page of 18+ blogs. It is GROOMING when they build trust with someone for some time just to get what they want- IN THIS CASE, it's NSFW roleplay.

Yes you're right, minors are harming everyone in this case, including themselves. But I'm talking about the fuckasses who know they are. The ones who think this is all a joke, or a silly little game to satiate their desires- which is OH!predatory behavior.

But

in the end.... Who gets blamed for all this shit? Us.

The adults.

We're the ones responsible for this bs even if we wanted nothing to do with it in the first place.

I made the comparison because I want everyone to know how fucking serious this shit is. I didn't make this comparison for fun, I didn't just take an uneducated leap of faith writing that shit. I meant every word. I WILL compare them to "pedos" to "get my point across" because they are acting just like those pedos that enrage you so much.

Of course, after all of this, if you don't agree with my opinion, or you want to keep fighting..

Unfortunately I don't have the time to sit around and explain myself for 5 hours just for my words to fall on deaf ears. If it's an argument you want, go fuck with someone else.

Goodbye. I better not see you in my inbox again.

[bittydragon]

Update Time!

I do a lot of these don’t I?

So now that I’m starting to try and get back into being more active, I’m gonna change a few minor things regarding requests

So up until recently, I’ve had requests closed as I tried catching up. It came to the point where everything was just sitting in my inbox and drafts for way too long, like, I had some stuff in there for over 6 months. I ended up purging most of my inbox due to the growing stress of leaving stuff alone for so long. Admittedly, I feel bad about some of the ones I deleted, but at the moment I needed to relieve myself of stress.

So I am now officially reopening requests! Prompts and oneshot requests are open for you guys to send in. When the writings are shorter, I will still use the #drabble tag. Those are just the smaller writings that I personally don’t warrant as one of my normal oneshots. The drabbles still won’t be named. Drabbles also won’t be found in my masterpost unless I find plenty of time to work on that. I will try to start using #bitty writes instead of #bitty reply for the drabbles, to help find those writings a bit easier instead of cycling through every single ask I’ve answered (I realize that is a pain... I will never search my blog with that tag again unless necessary...)

Now, this does not mean every single prompt/request will get a story. I will however, try my best to answer them all with ideas at the very least. I hope y’all don’t feel demotivated over sending asks because of that. I am going to make attempts at writing if I believe it is a prompt/request. Understand though that I am not required to write for everything, as that mindset from readers is what took me out of the first few fandoms I tried writing for. People have gotten upset when I didn’t write their request in a timely manner, effectively pushing me out of fandoms. I am happy to say that this fandom has been by far the kindest fandom in this regard. Everyone is constantly telling me to take my time, something nobody else in other fandoms took the time to do.

So thank you. All of you. I am excited to try getting back into writing more, especially since it looks like I won’t be slammed with classes this upcoming semester! I have already taken an ask I was sent and am in the middle of writing something for it, so except something little to come in the near future!

[fattlestacks]

(Just gonna answer this way ‘cause it might run long and Tumblr’s reply system suuuuuckssss... also [redacted artist name] ‘cause I don’t need to bring another artist into my bum out session, haha)

Thanks. :) You’ve always been very supportive of my work and I really appreciate it! Especially on days like this. I don’t know if you’d wanna be named so I left your name off the comments.

As far as my activity goes... my output is probably my best selling point... I do try to do at least one drawing every day which is a good amount, I think. It doesn’t always work out that way, but that’s the aim.

As far as the Tumblr purge goes, it seems irrelevant to my experience. Yes, traffic has slowed down some and things have been harder to find/search for but like I said, this has been my experience for many years, long before the Tumblr purge happened. I also follow a good number of chubby kink artists here and from my observations, they have no problem getting 300-1000+ likes on their artwork so... Even many of the artists I have as mutuals, I share their artwork, they share other peoples’ artwork, they never share mine. I don’t really know what to make of that other than it’s not Tumblr... it’s me.

Same with Twitter. We all moved over there at the same time, all of us started fresh over there and most of the chubby kink artists I know/follow there have double to triple the amount of followers that I do now and have no issues getting huge amounts of like/retweets on their work. I don’t know what to make of that either other than, you know... it’s me. 

And this isn’t exclusive to artists who draw super sizes (though yes, those artists will always be more popular in the community than someone who draws realistic or small chubby kink sizes) the majority of chubby kink artists I follow draw smaller sizes. Not all of them of course, but most of them. That is what I seek out after all...

My experience with DA was much of the same, I’m afraid. I never had a huge following there either, despite that being the site I was on for the longest. My work wasn’t very popular, I struggled just as much for any sort of attention there as I have everywhere else. But a lot of what chased me away from DA (other than for whatever reason their site always made my art look grainy and awful) was just that it seemed like the chubby kink community there, while active had started to emphasize way more on like huge farting blobs and such (which like, if that’s your thing, no shade. It’s just not for me). Every day on DA was just another sweaty farting blob in my inbox after another and it got to be too much. I very rarely see that on Tumblr or Twitter. 

I don’t really know what to do about any of this, other than feel bad about it and keep chugging along I guess. I know I need to just come to terms with the fact that I will never really be a popular artist. And maybe that’s not such a bad thing... being relatively obscure is probably a blessing when it comes to social media. I’ve seen enough popular artists being harassed and it’s definitely no fun.

Still... I do wish the other chubby kink artists wanted to be my friends, haha. At the very least. But they all don’t seem to like me for whatever reason.

[babyybitchhh]

Announcement

Alrighty, then. This post has been a long time coming so lets get right into it.

After much deliberation, I've decided not to push the self destruct button. I thought about it. Oh, when I say I was SO damn close to deleting this entire blog and all my fics right along with it. I'm frustrated and angry with myself, and I can't exactly say I'm doing well atm, but I know when things start to get better I'll want to write again, in earnest, and then I'd have to start over from scratch. Egg all over my face. Clown shit. We don't know her.

BUT. I think its clear to any and all that this is not working. It's just not. I expect too much of myself, for starters. And when it feels like others expect a certain level of performance from me that I just can't nail consistently due to my own ineptitude, my brain powers off. Is it some kind of executive dysfunction? Is it a fear of failing? A fear of success? Plain old anxiety? Who knows! I certainly don't. Whatever it is, it's hanging over my head like a guillotine. I'm beyond stressed and barely staying afloat irl, but then when I turn towards what should be a fun and therapeutic outlet all I see are expectations.

"When will you post the next chapter" on works that I WANT to finish but yet fear putting out a subpar product for and disappointing people.

"Will you write a follow up piece" for works that I WANT to expand on but don't know how to in a way that will make everyone else happy, let alone myself.

"Are you working on my request" for WIPs I have partially drafted and yet no way of knowing if that person - or anyone! - will even enjoy it.

I honestly feel guilty working on my own ideas instead of the multiple prompts in my inbox. I'm pretty sure that's part of my malfunction with my Ogun fic and others like it that are close to being done but remain unfinished simply because I'm thinking about what everyone else wants. It'd be one thing if I could just churn out content without a second thought but I can't. Like, it genuinely upsets me thinking that people are stuck in limbo waiting because I'm too chicken shit to just go with the flow instead of obsessing over every single line of text to the point of nausea, all for the sake of putting out "quality" content. I feel bad. I want to enjoy the writing process again, just like I did when I first got back into it with OsoSan. I shouldn't have started taking requests if I wasn't going to deliver, I know, and I sincerely apologize for my lack of foresight but it is what it is. I can't change the past. But what I CAN do is start fresh. So, long story short, there are going to be some changes coming to this blog.

A total revamp. I'm going to do an overhaul on the whole thing so don't be surprised when it starts to look different. I'm going to work primarily on navigation and organization, and try to tidy up a bit.

I'm turning off anon. Both because people looking to have a go with writers aren't so brave when that's no longer an option and also because I want to get as far away from those expectations as possible. I wont be reading or responding to comments on AO3 anymore for that same reason. I love you guys, and you're more than welcome to talk to me in DM's if you're more comfortable that way, but the long list of asks wanting to know wtf I'm doing in my spare time if not writing this or that is doing more harm than good.

I'm getting rid of the requests page and also purging any that I haven't already started working on - hopefully once I get into a better groove I'll actually be able to finish them, because I genuinely would like to. I really am sorry to everyone who's been waiting for their request to be fulfilled but I'm clearly not talented or confident enough to juggle my own ideas with someone else's. Maybe at some point in the future, when I'm a better writer, I'll start taking them again and we can all be happy.

And finally, I'm going to start experimenting with my writing method. As in, you're probably going to see shorter, less obsessively curated pieces popping up on my page that may not always be sexual in nature. I just really need to buckle down and work on this - all of it - and I'm determined to improve my skills even if it kills me. I have the urge to write every single day but it's hard when I'm the way I am and I've backed myself into a corner like this. I need to learn how to stop overthinking everything and just DO it. I know my productivity would increase and, with it, so would the overall quality of my work so I'm going to be focusing on different areas that need improvement. Not everything I put out will be good but that's part of the process, right? Right.

I totally understand if I lose followers for any of the above reasons, or even just personal ones, so don't hesitate to do so if you feel like you can't jive with this blog anymore. I appreciate you taking the time to read all this and I hope you understand my reasons for needing to do a reset on this page. This is exactly why I didn't want to start taking commissions and I would once again like to apologize to anyone I've let down.

P.S. I've had this distinct feeling that certain people in the writing community are not happy with me for a while now and although I'm not entirely sure what I've done wrong, I would still like to issue a formal apology for any toes I might have stepped on. That was never my intention. I can't claim to be a saint by any stretch of the imagination, but I have no ill will towards anyone. If its about the patreon I subscribed to and then left a month later, it had nothing to do with the author in question. I just belatedly realized I had more money coming out of my account than I could handle at the time and yes that weighs heavy on my shoulders. If its about the way I suddenly disappear in private chats, that's also something that shouldn't be taken personally. I genuinely have a hard time keeping up conversations with people, and I feel like a bother more often than not. If it's about the discords I join and then never participate in, see the above. If its about the way I fangirl or enthusiastically support some writers but not others, I never meant any harm by it. I just can't conceivably read everything that comes across my dash and, yes, my favorites are prioritized. Either way, whatever the grievances may be, anon will remain on until I start the revamp process some time tomorrow night so if whoever wants to air out their problems go for it. I probably wont post them but I will read them and try to learn from them, so have at it.

[kinakoscenario]

Alastor x Demon! Reader ( SCENARIO ) Christmas Miracles.

꒰Alastor  ♡ Reader. ꒱ ゝ Hazbin Hotel

𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐘

New to Hell and struggling to let go of your mortality, you decide to convince your boyfriend to celebrate Christmas in Hell. 

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Request status in bio! Please check it before dropping something in my inbox. ♡ 

Thank you in advance for hearts, comments & reblogs on my work (◍＞◡＜◍) it’s always super appreciated.

› Alastor |   © Vivziepop ╱ I am in no way affiliated with Vivziepop & do not own the characters in this work unless stated otherwise.

Headcanons & Writing  | © Kinakoscenario ( Tumblr )

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𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐄.  ↷

Hey, hey! Merry Christmas to those that celebrate it, I really wanted to do something with Alastor being soft and sappy with a Christmas-loving reader ;; w ;; i hope you enjoy this! 

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◍ To most everyone in Hell, Christmas was nothing more than an afterthought. Once you were dead, time was barely something that was monitored at all ━ It’s not like anyone was going anywhere. It was already over, what did you have to look forward to? What was the point? The only countdown that really mattered was the annual purge. Not really a holiday, not really something to celebrate. Hell didn’t have many (if any) holidays.

◍ You were a new arrival down here, just scraping a year now ━ It felt like no time at all since your last Christmas. No one would have thought it would have been the last one you celebrated with your family, alive and well. Not even you. 

◍ Each day you felt your humanity slipping further and further away from you. You were no longer a human and that was difficult to face. It wasn’t actually like you even deserved to be here! Wrong place, wrong time some may say. You were sacrificed by a cult. The leader of which… Well, it wasn’t something you liked to think about. 

◍ Maybe… Celebrating a human holiday, even in Hell, might make you feel a little less, you know, dead? It was clear to those around you that you were having trouble adapting to your new life and were still desperately clinging to the life you once had. You still wished to celebrate birthdays, you were afraid of the dark / bugs / spiders, and you would find yourself breathing out of habit. You didn’t need to, none of your friends did… they all said it would be a habit you would drop with time. 

◍  They all kept preaching to you that with acceptance, it would get easier. 

◍  During your time down here, you had become particularly fond of a certain overlord that was sniffing around the hotel. To your surprise (and everyone else’s) it seemed he had become rather fond of you too. It wasn’t an official relationship, he just seemed to tolerate you more than he tolerated the others. With the occasional romantic gesture. 

◍ You were the first person that made him feel something he didn’t quite understand — like a squeeze in his chest. Emotional intimacy was not something he was at all used to! But he was trying to get there. Have mercy on anyone who thought they could upset you and get away with it… Alastor had made it apparent that he would show no mercy to anyone who dared upset you. 

◍ With these newfound emotions, Alastor also had a hard time letting you down or saying no. So when you had brought up to him that you wanted a Christmas, as much as you had expected him to laugh in your face and flat out give “no” for an answer, he considered it for a few moments. His hand outstretched and took your face between his thumb and forefingers, crimson orbs focusing on your very best puppy look. The fact you felt like you needed to give him that look amused him. At least you didn’t see him as a push over just because he had made life in Hell a little easier for you, and you were still very much putting some effort and thought into the things you requested of him.

◍ “Dear, does our setting not take away from the entire meaning of Christmas?”

◍ He had tried to understand your request. Alastor could only remember one time he had celebrated Christmas, and it wasn’t in Hell. It was as a boy with his mother, sat by the fire on the 25th, the two of them bed-headed and still in pyjamas. A fond memory of his, though he didn’t remember the day well other than those few moments. He couldn’t even remember what laid within the decorative paper once he’d torn it open. 

◍ You knew Alastor wasn’t a demon who had ever had much interest in ANY holiday, whether it be celebrated in Hell or not, and even though many referred to him as “a mortal soul”, you found it hard to believe the demon you had grown to love was EVER human. Perhaps wielding a human body… but you doubted he truly understood what it meant to be alive. 

◍ After a few whimpers spilled from your lips, your small hands gently clasping against the wrist of the hand that held your chin, you noted that his shoulders bounced in a chuckle — perhaps in a frequency too low for your ears to pick up on. 

◍ How could he say no to you, to that face? That adorable little whimper. He let go of your chin and returned his hand to its place atop his microphone. You could practically hear the gears turning in his brain, weighing up the options. Should he let you have this? Would it be something beneficial for you?

◍ That was usually how he decided what demands of yours he would give into, and which ones he wouldn’t. Would it be beneficial for you, would it help you adapt more to THIS life? 

◍ “I just want to feel like me. Every day I feel my humanity, the person I used to be, slipping further and further away from my grasp. Like if I reached a little farther I could hold onto it just a little longer. I’m not ready to let go of it all yet, Alastor… This all feels like a horrible nightmare. The only silver lining to his dark cloud has been you…”

◍ You were practically biting back tears as you spoke, explaining why you desperately wanted to celebrate such a holiday. He was quiet once again, perhaps revaluating his first decision. 

◍ He hated seeing you upset. He hated seeing you cry. Not that you liked throwing a little pity party to get your own way, he was very susceptible to what we’re real tears and which were crocodile tears because he hadn’t given into you. He said yes. Yes to your very own Christmas in hell. 

◍ A flick of his wrist was all it took, a flash of green melting away, leaving behind heaps of perfectly placed faux snow, twinkling Christmas lights and reefs hung on every door. It was like something from a Christmas movie, the very scene before you unlocking some childhood memory you had forgotten you even had — the time you went to the Christmas light gardens at the snowy park with your parent(/s).

◍ You twirled around, the awe clear on your face as you took in the picture perfect sight. “Perfect” was really the only word to describe the scene before you… you felt your grin falter ever so slightly. Of course he noticed.

◍ “ You do not like it. “ 

◍ You felt yourself wince at the comment, a comment you were sure was supposed to come out a question. But he was right … you didn’t like it. There was nothing comforting or homely, loving, about this. 

◍ In a desperate attempt to prove yourself wrong you spun around once again, searching for the smallest piece of misplaced snow, a reef without a candy striped bow, a light that was out of sync with the rest or that didn’t work at all — you couldn’t find a single fault with it. 

◍ “ It’s not that I don’t like it!”

◍ “Then what is it?”

◍ “I was just hoping that the Christmas would feel a little more homely, and not as much magic would be involved. The fun part is putting UP the Christmas decorations! Sure they won’t be as perfect as this… but that’s what makes Christmas special. It’s a holiday you build together.”

◍ The smile on his mouth never faltered. Never, ever. Not even when you were rambling about the Christmas you wanted to put together yourself — with him. With the Hotel staff, your friends. The demons you had come to love over the last few months of residing there… 

◍ Another flash of green, the hotel walls were bare with nothing but Charlie’s family portraits littering the walls once more. However, the same decorations were crammed into boxes, red, green and white spewing out of the bursting cardboard. 

◍ You seemed happier at the sight of the tearing boxes than you did at the Christmas wonderland he had created for you in mere seconds. Some things just couldn’t be reached with magic. 

◍ It wasn’t long before the word had gotten around to the rest of the gang that you and Alastor were putting up Christmas decorations — They decided to join you. Charlie seemed the most enthusiastic about it! 

◍ In order, they joined Charlie & Vaggie ( together, coming back from business elsewhere ), Angel, Nifty and the last to join was Husk, who had earned himself the nickname of “Hinch” ( Husk / Grinch ). He was not in the Christmas spirit, however Nifty couldn’t reach the top of the portraits to hang tinsel from them! He enjoyed watching her struggle for a few moments, then it got sad. So he decided to step in and help! You think he liked it really.

◍ And what good would Christmas be without Christmas music, Santa hats and funky hair accessories, and ugly sweaters? 

◍ Alastor was not a fan of the itchy, red sweater. He also wasn’t a fan of the jingling reindeer horns that were placed on his head and the light - up red nose clipped to the tip of his, courtesy of Angel. But… he tolerated it for an hour or two. 

◍ He thought you looked rather adorable in a sparkly Santa hat … 

◍ It took hours to decorate the seemingly endless floors of the Happy Hotel, and by the end it was getting worse and worse. Even you were putting less effort into your own plan! It looked nothing, nowhere near, anything like what Alastor had created for you. The faux snow was too sparse in some places and over flowing in others, tinsel was messily draped and thrown everywhere and on every string of lights you could spot at least one that didn’t work. It was perfect! 

◍ Having left with Angel about an hour before you guys finished up the last few floors remaining, Nifty had baked Gingerbread demons. They were like gingerbread men, only some of these had limbs missing, extra appendages, and funny faces drawn on with icing. Angel was having fun drawing boobs on them. 

◍ You decided to watch horror movies in place of Christmas movies, since finding Christmas movies for rental in Hell was like looking for a needle in a Haystack. Hot cocoa, gingerbread demons, you were content on the lap of your love, one arm lazily holding your waist.

◍ None of you had gotten each other gifts, due to none of it being expected or plans, so instead you shared the happy memories you had! Happy memories in Hell were few and far between, but you were glad everyone could think of at least one to share. Even Husk joined in with this one!

◍ The night drew in, it got later and one by one the Hotel Staff retreated to their own rooms. It was just you and Alastor now… still perched on his lap, the cold dregs of once-hot cocoa remaining in your cup, you nestled your back into him. His arm tightened around your middle protectively, a purr sounding against your right ear. It always made you shudder. 

◍ “Thank you for making today special, Alastor.”

◍ You turned on his thighs to face him, smiling pink-cheeked up at him. He pressed a claw to your lips, his other arm leaving your waist momentarily. A flick of his wrist, a small flash of green — he was holding a piece of mistletoe. 

◍ You swore you felt your heart leap in your chest, whether that was even possible or not, you felt something. You felt a twinge of excitement and anxiety. You knew what he was after, and you had been hoping for this for a while too. 

◍ “May I?”

◍ His voice was much softer, a hand cupping the side of your face gently. Lips parted and ready for him, you gave a single nod before his mouth was pressed to yours. The kiss was slightly clumsy, yet it was passionate and needy. One hand on your face, the other half-heartedly holding up the piece of mistletoe as he melted against your mouth with a purr of pleasure.

◍ That was the first time he had kissed you, and for someone who didn’t know what he was doing too much, you had loved every second.

◍ “Merry Christmas, my sweet.”