#I need some form of interaction
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Add me if you want to (warning, cringe)
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taash said "they were doing it" and people ran with the interpretation of an npc that doesn't know solas or the history of the elvhenan even when bellara interjected and said, no, that's not right. that's not how it was for the elvhenan. they formed bonds before they had physical bodies. and people ran to doompost or create weird anti-solavellan shit even though mythal & solas refer to each other as old friends and when she releases him there is no tenderness or love in it. it is the act of unchaining a dog from his post, the stepping down of a general. but to each their own ig.
#let the record show i think love was there. do I personally perceive it as romantic / sexual? no.#mythal's perception of love & care is warped in and of itself#i think they loved each other. but she loved what she could take from him and what he could give in terms of service#not because she was romantically into him#also i wish we knew more about her & elgar'nan. her regret prison form says she holds no love for him anymore#and it makes me wonder when that love soured. was it when she was blighted? before that? was that love also born of duty and companionship?#this is the last post i'm gonna make ab this i think#bc i believe people are too caught up in the modern western ideas of love as thing we give solely to our romantic partners#and we literally have a character go ”our perception is warped bc of the age we live in” and some of you are still being purposefully obtuse#and i think trick saying it's up to interpretation is basically admitting EA had them dumb down the game anyway#if everything ab the rise and fall of the evanuris in game#was condensed to five 2min cutscenes it says enough that whatever the writers wanted#was swiftly cut down by corporate dept. basically saying it's in the fans' court now#also bc it's an easy cop out around new players & non solasmancers who are indifferent ab him / dislike him#as a way to appeal thru a more sympathetic lense of look!! he loved and was led astray#not to mention the clear justinia / leliana parallels#and leliana gets angry if you imply she was romantically involved / in love w justinia#and the romance descr when you remake your inq saying the dread wolf could not predict what it would mean to fall IN LOVE#implying he had never fallen in love before or at the very least experienced a romantic love#also him saying drinking from the well would make you a slave and he gets really upset#yet ive seen takes of ”hes doing this for her cus he dgaf ab lavellan” ?? he got mythal killed when he told her ab the blight#whatever feelings of admiration he had for her have rotted. he is literally burdened by his mistakes and his choice in joining her#i feel like if i were a spirit bound and twisted into a weapon i would need my creator to tell me i am Free. i would need that closure#like when cole says its not abuse to bind him if he asks and solas said thats not always true???#if you perceive her interaction w him in vg third act as#anything more than the way justinia released leliana in inq then im sorry maybe youre just obtuse#solavellan#mythal#dragon age meta
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This half-foot. Dandan.
Looks preety similar to this lady here (I'll put them together so you see):
Half-lidded eyes, black hair&eyes, small eyebrows, curly hair... Dandan's skin is lighter probably because of low sun exposure (dungeon), and he has tons of freckles because he preety.
This two are clearly relatives if not siblings.
Flertom is a mirror image of the lady up there. She got Chil's eyes. She even has almost the same haircut (a bit longer). She's clearly the mother. We've solved Chilchuck's wife mystery.
But this wasn't what I was going to say.
This implies that Wife and Dandan both knew Chilchuck since their childhood. Because there's no way that Chil was just friend of the sister. They're both close to the same age, and I'll say Dandan is a Younger sibiling (she gives big sis vibes, and he gives young bro vibes). So either she introduced him to her brother or he introduced him to his sister and they became best friends as kids.
Could you imagine how their relationship was after Chil's Wife left him?
He knows he has to say something, but he doesn't want to end his relationships. At the end he takes his sister's side. He distances a bit from Chilchuck, calling him an "aquitance" rather than a friend. It isn't that he hates him, is just that it's complicated. And they both know it. They're in good terms tho, they just aren't best friends anymore and they don't talk about it. Their worry is the guild, not their personal stuff.
That's why Dandan introduces Chilchuck to Laios. If they were in bad terms, he would've suggested any other half-foot. They both priorize the guild and general safety of their own race. That's why Dandan suggests Chil instead of a less experienced hafling. He cares about the union and respects Chil's time and experience in dungeons. They're on good terms, at least good enough. Summing up, I get the feeling Dandan doesn't particularly likes Chil after what happened with his sister, but he respects him at least.
#hi fandom its me again overanalyzing side characters from 5 panels alone and some background context! <3#i will do this again.. eventually... not on dandan. this is all i could see in him ;(#also i think their relationship gets better as time passes#it's been 4 years since wife left him#and 5 years since half-foot union was formed#i'm a wife×chilchuck lover. i'll believe they talked about it and eventually (give them a year) got back together#and Dandan allows himself to be friends with Chil again so he doesnt feel he's bettaying his sis by doing so or sth.#human interactions are so complicated.. i love them.. fascinating... eeling like Kabru. ill put them in a jar and study them like bugs.#Dandan#Dandan dungeon meshi#dungeon meshi#dunmeshi#delicious in dungeon#i need an oficial name for Wife. i need.#i have the feeling Wife's older because they got married quite young. and Dandan seems the same age as Chil.#if anything hes younger. idk. tgeres no way shes marrying at 12 (chil married at 13 and dandan is same age)#this is my theory#idk how they are i insist. im working with crumbs here.#chilchuck#chilchuck tims#chilchuck dungeon meshi#i need to get some sleep lol#my shit#dungeon meshi spoilers
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Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4
The next few days were peaceful. The kind of peaceful Lucifer hadn't experienced since the Hotel was in the process of being rebuilt. He hadn't realized how much stress Alastor was causing him until he backed off.
Lucifer might even have gotten a full nights sleep last night! That hadn't happened in an especially long time!
(He wasn't thinking about the fact that his sleep had been haunted by the caress of teeth along his neck or glimpses of red, red sated eyes.)
The images threatened to steal his attention, even as he tried to bury them down with all the other things he was refusing to think about at this point. He forced himself to pay attention, tuning in as Charlie said, excitedly, "She's already spending half her time here! It's really only a matter of time before she agrees to join us full time!"
The campaign to get Cherri Bomb to join the Hazbin Hotel had been having mixed results since the fight with Adam and her participating in the rebuilding. She was clearly here mostly for Angel, but it seemed that the other denizens of the hotel were growing on her. Charlie was correct in that the cyclops spent just as much time at the hotel as she did were ever else she landed when she wasn't with them. She even had a room of her own, even if she didn't officially claim it. It definitely helped it was right next door to her best friend.
Lucifer patted her shoulder. "She'll come around in her own time. Remember, for this to work, they have to actually want it."
Charlie placed her hand over her father's, biting her lip and near bursting with excitement. "I know, but it just feels like we're so close! It'll be so great when she agrees."
"Yes, but in the meantime, we'll just continue to make her feel welcome." He smiled at her proudly. "Which you're already doing so well at!"
Charlie's returned the smile, pleased with his feedback.
The moment, like so often when one lives in Hell, was suddenly and abruptly interrupted by the entire building shaking.
Angel appeared on the landing of the second floor, the one that overlooked the main entrance and foyer. "What the hell? We haven't had any shady guests lately, have we?"
Alastor stepped out of the shadows near the entrance, a loud boom ringing out as something large and heavy hit the door.
Lucifer was suddenly glad he had reinforced the structure. It wasn't impossible that someone could break in through brute force, especially if someone was extremely determined, but the sheer effort would give the hotel guests ample time to mount a defense.
Loud shouting came from outside, words unintelligible through the thickness of it. Alastor ignored the hostile aura premating from outside as if he couldn't even feel it, throwing open the door.
"Oh my, you are quite annoying," he greeted the group at their door. The two fellas up front, stooges and the muscle by the look of them, were holding a large battering ram. Alastor eyed it distastefully. "Whatever business could you have with us that is worth all this racket?"
A nervous looking demon cleared his throat, unwisely drawing the Radio Demon's full attention. "We." He swallowed, complexion growing paler the longer Alastor stared at him. In a rush, he stated, "We were sent here to send a message!"
The radio host tilted his head to the side. "Message?"
The group glanced at each other, clearly psyching themselves up. Nodding, the 'leader' proclaimed, "Yeah, 'give up this shitty mission, or else.'"
"Or else what?"
The group collectively drew their weapons, an assortment of guns and knives. "Or else we're going to have to use force."
The widening of Alastor's grin should have been a warning. Lucifer would have felt bad for the little idiots for not seeing the flaming pile of shit they had just stepped in, but they were in the process of threatening his daughter and that was just a big no go for him.
"Oh, you really don't want to do that." Lucifer came up to stand beside Alastor, hands coming up in a shooing motion. "Like, seriously. Go back to whoever sent you and tell them they don't get a second warning."
The leader blinked down at him. He must have been new to Hell, because he asked, "And who are you?"
"Oh, little ol' me?" Lucifer's wings and horns appeared in all their full glory. "I'm the Devil, bitches."
The group barely had time to do little more than gape before they were sent tumbling arse over head from a powerful gust of wind, curtesy of the before mentioned wings. Fully prepared to rough them up a little before sending them on their way, Lucifer stepped out of the hotel.
Only to be halted by something wrapping around his waist. He glanced down at what appeared to be a shadow about the thickness of a vine. Now, where had that come from?
"Now, now, your Majesty, that won't do."
Ah, yes. Of course, it was one of Alastor's shadow tentacle things.
"Oi! Put me down!" The blond protested as he was picked up and then deposited on one of the second floor balconies.
Alastor didn't bother looking back at him. His tone was that of a parent talking to a particularly petulant child as he ordered, "Why don't you stay up there for a bit? There's really no need for you to get involved."
Lucifer had half a mind to take not just the goons out, but Alastor as well, but ultimately decided to let the Radio Demon have his fun. Besides, he was looking a little peckish lately. "Just leave one alive so they can tell their boss to back off!"
Down below, Charlie chimed in with, "Or we could leave all of them alive?"
Alastor near cackled as he grew in size, the invaders suddenly realizing they were in serious danger and attempting to make a run for it. Shadow creatures began to rise out of the ground, breaking off their get away. "Nonesense!" Alastor disagreed cheerfully. "Everyone mysteriously disappearing is a much more delicious way of keeping people on their feet!"
Lucifer rolled his eyes. Oh, he bet it was 'delicious.'
A noise behind him drew his attention. Lucifer looked over his shoulder, finding himself eye to eye with a wolf demon he'd never seen a day in his life. Especially not one that had no business sneaking into the hotel with a knife he was clearly intending to use.
They started at each other for a long moment. The guy must have been an idiot, because he apparently decided he wanted to take his chances and attempt to stab the King of Hell himself.
Lucifer reached up, fully intending to catch the blade. Under normal circumstances, weapons made in Hell couldn't hurt him and would have just shattered on contact.
But this blade wasn't just an ordinary blade made it Hell. Lucifer realized it must have been made from Angelic Steel when the knife cut straight through his hand like a hot knife through butter. He winced, despite himself. Somehow, he'd forgotten how much that could hurt.
The wolf demon made the mistake of not pressing his advantage, seeming to think that the pain of something as simple as a knife through the hand would be enough to make the first being to ever lead a rebellion against a real army to pause. Oh no, all it did was infuriate him.
Lucifer pressed his hand down the knife further, allowing him to take hold of the hilt. The demon's grip went slack with shock, allowing the blond to wretch it out of his hand. With his good hand, Lucifer yanked the offensive object out, carelessly tossing it onto one of the other neighboring balconies, where it would be of little use during this battle and could be retrieved later. "Oh, that was a very poor decision." Giving no quarter, he darted forward to wrap his hand around the demon's throat, wings flapping to give him the hieght to do so. "Tell me why you're up here, before I decide to be rid of you regardless."
The wolf grunted, hands clawing uselessly at his arm. He managed to choke out, "Like we said: we're just here to send a message."
Lucifer looked down at where Alastor was rounding up the last couple of stragglers, tossing a third into his mouth. The little nervous demon from before appeared to have peed himself from fright. The seraphim turned back to his captive. Something told him that those boo zoos were a mere distraction and this was the real leader of the group. Shaking him a little, Lucifer demanded, "Who sent you?"
A sneer came in response. "We're just for hire. We get a call and we do the job, no questions asked."
Lucifer realized he wasn't going to get anything of use out of this guy. And since he was likely the only real threat of the group, the blond didn't feel comfortable letting him be the return messenger.
A beat of his wings had them air born, bringing them to hover over Alastor, who's ears perked up as he realized he was about to get another morsel. "Whelp, in that case, it sounds like you're useless to me. Guess I'll just hand you over to the Alastor--"
"W-wait!" The wolf demon frantically choked out, "Isn't this p-place for s-second chances! Your d-daughter believes in that s-shit, doesn't she?"
Lucifer's eyes narrowed. "You're right. My daughter does have a gift for seeing the best in people, even when there isn't any. But me? My curse is that I'm damned to always see the worst in all of you." Between one blink to the next, he let his form bleed into it's most demonic, hellfire igniting and his broken halo taking form as the true crown of Hell manifested. His True Eyes opened along his coat, Seeing right through this worthless soul and all of his sins. "Tell me, honestly, do you regret, even a little, for pushing Elizabeth in front of that train? Did you care in the least that her husband only had a handful of voicemails to remember her voice by? That her son grew up without any memories of his own mother?"
The wolf demon gasped for breathe, eyes wild. "The- the reporter? I had to kill her." He squirmed and yanked to no avail, Lucifer's hand like steel around his neck. Frantically, he added, "She was no-no one! She- she was going to ruin everything!"
Lucifer sneered. "Wrong answer."
Without hesitation, he opened his fist. The wolf demon shrieked as he fell, the shrill sound abruptly cutting off as Alastor closed his mouth around his treat.
The nervous little demon, perhaps smarter than they gave him credit for, took advantage of the distraction to make his get away. Alastor let him in favor of watching his king, eyes alight and calculating.
Lucifer hovered above him, every one of his eyes trained on the sinner below him. He realized that while he had seen Alastor in his full eldritch form during their first meeting, this would be the first time Alastor was seeing him in his own full demonic form.
Alastor, like in every aspect of his life, neither blinked nor cowered. He brought up a hand, the motion that puppet slowness he'd showed when Lucifer had manifested the pair of deer ears. He brought it up until it hovered just below the Devil's feet.
Lucifer squinted at him, not trusting that if he let himself land in Alastor's hand, the latter wouldn't just drop him out of spite.
He never found out either way, as he became distracted by Charlie's alarmed shout of "Oh my goodness, Dad!"
Alarmed, Lucifer spun around, his demonic features melting away into his normal appearance. "Charlie? What's wrong?" He came down to land in front of her, reaching out to make certain nothing had gotten past them to hurt her. "Are you okay?"
Charlie grabbed onto his hand, causing him to wince. Horrified, she cried out, "Forget me! Your hand is hurt." She hissed as she assessed the full extent of the damage. "Oh shit, it went all the way through!" She twisted around to shout back at the other behind her. "Vaggie! Bandages!"
Lucifer held up his free hand. "It's fine, sweetie, really. It'll heal up in no time. Really, I'd be more worried about any survivors. Alastor is way too enthusiastic for a guard dog." He glanced over his shoulder at Alastor, who had shrunk down to his normal size. Lucifer caught a glimpse of a gold coated tongue past the the hand the red head had up to his mouth. Lucifer found himself reassessing if Alastor had been offering him a hand after all or if he had just been taking the opportunity to get another taste of angel blood.
Judging by the pleased look on the deer demon's face, and the fact that he was letting 'guard dog' comment slide, it was most likely the latter.
And this was why Lucifer had trust issues when it came to this little shit.
Charlie tugged him towards the inside of the hotel, saying something about bandaging his hand. He was forced to break eye contact with his rival or keep his daughter from carrying on with his fretting. Really, it was all too much. It would take longer than the usual for injury to heal - the scar would barely be noticeable in a few days! - there was really no need for all this fussing! He even tried to say as such, which turned out to be a bad idea, because now Charlie was making sad eyes at him and really he was just going to be quiet and let her do her thing because it was so much better than her crying.
In the mess of the clean-up, Lucifer completely forgot about the angelic blade.
tbc
Part 5
#radioapple#appleradio#alastor#lucifer morningstar#deer lucifer fic#deer lucifer who is not actually appearing in this chapter#we needed some team building between lucifer and alastor#it'll be worth it all later#this chapter might have been inspired by the malificent movie#i just mostly wanted to write out the scene with lucifer in full demon form#so sue me#and wild plot appears!#its largely there to keep these two idiots interacting#we'll see where this goes#deer lucifer may be back in part five or six#likely six
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i stand with you in the face of a defensive misunderstanding of what critique is.
i think understanding what a critique actually is is a skill that increasingly is not taught. i remember going through freshman art courses feeling the frustration that all negative, nasty, unhelpful, and missed-the-point-entirely feedback is so commonly conflated with critique, and then critique gets a bad name because everyone remembers the time someone said their painting looked like an asshole (true story, altho now i think i would take it as a compliment) instead of the time a teacher or friend or classmate helped them uncover a hurtful bias or think of new ways to explore the same idea or how to connect it to related ideas or how to look up and understand other people's ideas on the same topic.
anyway i think you're great.
ahhh you're so kind to me!! i appreciate your support, and i think you are great also.
i have experience with giving and receiving critique as a student myself, and i think it was the best part of my degree! i majored in creative writing in college, and critique was just a generally accepted part of learning to become a writer. i don't even remember people being especially worried about receiving critique on their work. we had guidance on what kind of feedback was useful, but we were still at liberty to give it as we saw fit as like messy 19 year olds. the standard was that we gave it both written on printed copies of the work AND aloud in front of the whole class, and the writer receiving it was not permitted to speak during the critique. understanding how people are perceiving your work is important!
i don't have any particularly negative recollections of the critique process, although once in a high school writing class, the boys in the class told me that my male characters touched each other too gently and real boys are more rough with each other. in particular, they took issue with me writing that one boy nudged another. nudging is too soft. nudging is for girls. that was more than 20 years ago, and i still think about it sometimes because it was such an interesting perspective! i did not take their advice, though.
i should dig up that piece and see if it reads queer in any other ways. i think that's what they were getting at. (actually i once had a non-fiction class tell me i was in love with my roommate after reading an essay i wrote about her)(i did not listen to that advice either, but having 12 acquaintances tell you that you're gay in 2006 before you realize it yourself is Truly Something!)
i think people have conflated criticism and critique and think that being more openly analytical is the same thing as being negative. but analysis is so fun to me! analysis is why i joined fandom in the first place, and it's why i write fic! can we trust each other to be respectful and to speak in good faith even when we're not singing each other's praises? for me fandom would be better if we could.
oh i also want to clarify that i don't think it's impossible to demonstrate that you've thought deeply about a piece of fanwork while remaining completely positive. people do it all the time and do it very well!
i know i sometimes have tunnel vision wrt my own perspective. in a lot of situations, i wish it were more acceptable to be more direct, and i know people sometimes find the way i express myself to be kind of shocking. i know a lot of people like to be spoken to more indirectly than comes natural to me, and i don't mean to imply that my perspective is the only correct one or that there's no good reason to err on the side of gentleness/politeness in our responses to amateur art and writing. i just think that at a certain level of circumspection, it feels like we're all holding each other at arm's length.
i think for people who can't bear to feel exposed, making and sharing art is always going to be painful and difficult, and maybe too painful and difficult to enjoy the process unless they're sure of a soft landing. but like. the rewards of being loved only come after the mortifying ordeal of being known, right?
#ten years ago i had a comment section diagnose me with autism and they were RIGHT. and they loved me!!!!#my portfolio advisor told me that my main character was having a mental breakdown and it made all the people around her seem Villainous#for how selfishly they treated her#and i didn't realize that things seemed so dire for her but i needed to know that in order to make the story make sense!#it wasn't a mean thing to say it was just pointing out something i couldn't see! ik it was different because it was a draft tho#'looks like an asshole' makes me desperately want to see that painting#i didn't know that you're also a visual artist and i'm longing to see your work#there's this movie called igby goes down#where someone tells the main character that they're an artist and he says so do you paint?#and the character responds an artist creates art regardless of what form it takes#and i think the audience is meant to consider that character unbearably pretentious but i totally agree#it has also just occurred to me that some people are nervous about commenting on other people's work#to the extent that they're afraid they'll commit some kind of unintentional faux pas or just leave a disappointing comment#and i get that because you're also kind of sharing yourself by leaving feedback#and you don't want to offend or hurt someone who's created something that resonated with you#idk i guess stepping on people's toes is just a normal part of interacting with them#and almost never fatal
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"this man, is weird.. CRAZY weird.." "he was always very bright.."
#i think abt this soo often u have no idea#no one understands them like i do.. sighh..#platonic or romantic idc There is something Happening there#this also implies that sammy doesn't hate norman/displays some form of positive feeling towards him#bc it's shown in canon that he doesn't rlly like many ppl in the studio#and despite sammy's descent into insanity norman still appreciated him for who he was#they way norman talks abt sammy in his first audio log feels so personal too#probably kicked his feet and giggled abt him idk man#like okaayy what u kno abt him pooks... something u wanna tell me.. twirls my hair/..#IM SO ILL OH MY GODDDDDDDD#CAN ANYONE HEAR ME#i could go on a full 2 hour youtube rant abt how tragic they are#both together and as separate people#and dont even get me STARTED on the reason for norman's heart obsession while in the cycle and why he collects them#UGGHHHHHHHH KICKS THE WALL PUNCHES THE FLOOR I HATE THE FLOOR#been mentally ill about them since 2017 ❤ we up#at least until my pea sized 8 yr old child brain found out normmy was a thing#finding that shitty ms paint ship art changed my life..#theyre literally my og otp 5eva nothing will top them ever#smushing their faces together like barbies type shit#i do wish they had some kind of interaction actual gameplay wise in batim (or even batdr)#idc what kind i just need to see them in the same room together interacting in some way#batim#bendy and the ink machine#normmy#sammy lawrence#norman polk#norman x sammy#rosey rambles#I LOVE DOOMED YAOI
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Don't you love it when you get back into your childhood hyper-fixation that you remember very fondly as an adult and realize how fucking depressing the actual story is now that you have the capacity to understand it beyond cool fighting and characters, humor, and awesome friendships?
#bleach#ichigo kurosaki#bleach 686#every analysis I see makes me more and more upset#why does literally everyone in this story suck#how did Kubo make such dynamic characters only to slowly crush their souls more and more until we get the most unsatisfying ending EVER#I keep trying to get back into the manga/anime but I feel like a pit forms in my stomach every time I try to#I love the characters dearly but oh my god#the relationships and the way most of the characters interact just grates at my nerves#like every few months I'll read like twenty chapter of the manga#get back into the fandom#read some analysis#and then I'll start dislking it all over again#I need a happy ending#i need a better ending#please Kubo#I need the hell arc to completely dismantle the soul society and the whole world as they know it#I NEED CHANGE#I hate the regressing and stagnation of the soul society#I need them to be overthrown#I need the characters I love to become antagonists all over again#I need Ichigo to be enemies with the soul society again#i need rebellion#I need the soul society to be the greatest evil again because in the end#they are the source of nearly ALL the problems Ichigo and co. face in canon#I'm so tired of them being the lesser evil#I need them to fall apart#I need the characters to have genuinely good endings where they are happy rather than regressing back into the people they were at the star#of the story or even worse turning into the ppl they had sworn they would never become
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just going about my day idly contemplating how some of the ways hawke can interact with a romanced anders are not at all unlike how they interact with leandra (and a bit of carver too, especially with a purple hawke), and then thought about my hawke in the timeline where he romances anders and was hit straight in the face with 'was he ever actually in love, or was he just desperately trying to renegotiate with his mother's ghost in any way he could' and now i need to lie down. this is the power of dragon age 2
#'you don't know my mother' haunting me through the years#dragon age#dragon age 2#hawke#On second thought let's not go to Kirkwall; it is a silly place#there are of course as many ways to do/read that relationship as there are players to interact with it haha and all valid!#but my personal version of handers is sooo fucked up and bad times for everyone involved and I love it haha.#this is a relationship neither of them should have been in and that made everything worse and everyone unhappy in the end#locked tomb levels of the horrors of love. i ship it but in the way that I want to make it sadder and more gutwrenching each time#to be clear this is a very mutual two-way kind of fucked up but I think varric in his loyalty and love would downplay hawke's side of it#for huge swathes of their relationship anders is not in a mental place to be a good partner and the emotional blackmail is Not Okay#(but it's just like how mother used to make it! hawke's soul cries sadly as it reaches for it hungrily)#which is in some ways fair enough no one could accuse him of not warning you ahead of time fjskda#but hawke is messy about it in a way only available to a covert people pleaser who has never had a millisecond of therapy#with some added stuff that my hawke is always acespec in some form and when he gets together with anders...#is the sex something he doesn't particularly care to have or not have but it 'makes anders happy'/he longs to feel wanted *and* needed#and also a way he gets out of ever being *actually* vulnerable (which I think he'd had to be with varric for example if he Went There )#'you want the hawke who's in your head so badly and I kind of wish I were that hawke too. so let's be collaborateurs with that fantasy'#(and then maybe if I do it right every time you'll finally be happy hawke says in his heart looking at this leandra-anders phantom form)#(and echoing stuff in varric's relationship to hawke but I think the important distinction there is that varric -- is a craftsman haha#he KNOWS when he's lying/making up a story he KNOWS the difference between what is and what he wishes the world was#(I think there's some deep longing there to not know; for it to blend together or have the power to change things. but he always knows)#which ironically leaves him in a better position to actually see and understand hawke the person#even as he is creating hawke the literary figure. almost to protect him in some ways? god da2 is so full of STUFF!!! I adore it)#and of course anders gets so disillusioned with hawke's inertia and lack of action (you all but married this man anders!#you should know this about him he's already carrying the whole family and city on his shoulders if you add a gram more he'll collapse!)#and hawke feels so desperately hurt that the promise anders seemed to make that he'd be enough -- that he could fix things for him --#('I'm the one bright light in kirkwall and that apparently doesn't count for shit so I'm just slowly turning to ash for you')#turned out to be untrue. anyway. sad now. imagine them meeting like twenty years on what the fuck could you even say to each other then#(I can't imagine Hawke ever physically hurting anyone he loves so he just tells Anders to leave at the end of DA2. they COULD meet again
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I occasionally wish to reach out to old friends/acquaintances I haven't spoken to since high school/some other even earlier time in my life, but I have SOOO little social energy even for required tasks (like making dr phone calls or etc), I never have any leftover for extra ones, and it would be very odd to message someone I haven't spoken to in like 5 years out of the blue but then take 4 entire months to respond back lol.. My natural curiosity with nostalgia/collecting details of the past/etc. (literally if I were born a little earlier I would definitely do scrapbooking or something lol) is very strong, but, alas, not strong enough to beat out the Social Issues Demons apparently
#facebook always does that 'here's a post from this day 8 years ago' thing. and I see old comments interacting#with people and it's so like.. OOOOO~~ where are they now?? what's going on? how much have they changed as people?#how much are they the same? this is fascinating. i should contact them!!' but then it's like... take that to it's logical conclusion though#you would contact them and then IF they even responded it would take you 80 years to respond and then they would#think there was something wrong or that you were trying to be insulting or something. To contact anyone I need to include an 85 page#disclaimer of all of my social issues & mental illness things. 'If i take 3 weeks to reply I promise it has nothing to do with u' etc lol#THIS is why more people need to be into phone calls/voice calls/some form of audio real time communication/etc.#I think one of the main things that's hard about messaging through text for me is it's so unscheduled and open ended#(plus it takes forever if you're talking about anything in detail and gets very long very quickly)#because like you can send a message and then just get a reply whenever. and then you're expected to reply back whenever#so it's like you never know when the response will come or when a new obligation to reply can come up? so it's like this sudden thing with#no outline?? if that makes sense. whereas a phone call is very like 'hello let's schedule a call from 10am - 2pm on thursday'. And you know#EXACTLY when the interaction will start and EXACTLY when it will end and you can plan around it in your schedule easily.#I have the reverse thing of a lot of people (how people don't pick up phone calls/hate calls/only text)#I would literally talk on the phone with a stranger. I would have a discord voice chat with someone I barely know.#if someone I hardly even remember from elementary school asked to have a voice call with me out of nowhere I would do it.#but if a stranger MESSAGED me?? or someone I barely know sent me a TEXT or something?? I will never reply probably#It's just too vague and weird. and you can't read voice tone over text. and the interaction could last forever with no clear end#point and etc. etc. But a call is like. set. established. clear boundaries. you can read the flow of conversation better. rapport. etc. etc#I get that I guess people feel more anonymous or distanced over text?? but you can have fake phone numbers on the computer. or do like disc#rd calls. or zoom without a camera or etc. etc. Also the distance that's present in text is BAD distance because it just means that tone is#not conveyed properly and you will never truly get a sense of the person's conversational vibe or mannerisms or how well you really click.#ANYWAY ghgjh...... I'm so so so interested in concepts of like.. How did that one kid I used to talk to in elementary school#but then they moved away in 5th grade - how did they end up? what are they doing now?? etc. etc. Like despite the severe social anhedonia#and general lack of connection with others I'm just really fascinated in like.. idk. the human development of it all and like#the concept of how we're actually a million different people through the course of our lives ever evolving in different iterations and etc.#PLUS again. i love nostalgia. sometimes old peple you know might remember a shared memory or can tell you about something you forgot#or etc. like it's SUCH A COOL THING in CONCEPT but I am too socially inept generally speaking lol. which people I still talk to today are#familiar with my 'phone call once every few months' communication style. but strangers would just be like... wtf. And I don't blame them#Sure I literally cannot change the physical health + brain issues i have - but also I know enough to not put others through that lol
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One of these days. One of these days, I will figure out what the hell makes the tipping point beyond which either a) there’s socialization that I feel insulated from and kind of numb about and too tired to pursue, or b) socialization where the very notion of so much as expressing one (1) internal thought or emotion suffuses my whole body with adrenaline and blaring Nope instincts.
#don’t get me wrong I think I *do* feel fairly Normal about. idk. a good portion of my social interactions#enough that I can go about my daily life just fine#but the numb times and the freeze-or-flight times are always Mightily inconveniently timed#with regards to actually forming new friendships#and there’s a certain threshold of Acknowledging that I Personally Exist where it *all* becomes freeze-or-flight fffff#(it goes like this: I start to think ‘it’d be kind of neat if—‘)#(and then I consider the actual logistics of getting TO the If. and one way or another — fear or tiredness — it becomes ‘ah. right. nvm.’)#(and then if it’s a bad day I have the further thought that the If probably wouldn’t be fulfilling for other involved parties anyway)#(which is. self defeating in the extreme and a distortion and I know it. >_>)#(but it’s ALSO objectively true on some specific axis and like. mm. some nights finding that balance is hard I guess)#(on the one hand not putting myself down but on the other hand being realistic about what I need vs. what other people need)#(and the fact that there are just some types of socialization that just aren’t a good fit for me)#(and that I can’t be for or have with other folk without burning out spectacularly)#life flails#mental health flails#my stuff#complaining
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back on my bullshit (meeting men im in love with). Ben Schwartz is so kind and tall :-) I didn’t totally freeze like when I met the Jonas brothers but the selfies we took are blurry so 😔
(at least I have these bc I told sam to record the whole thing heheheh)
#also the show was great#I had to slap sam many times bc she was choking from laughter#ben schwartz#bro how did i forget my personal tag for ben#ben schwartz my beloved#me#also forgot me tag#editing tags after the fact to recount the entire experience#so we waited outside for about 10 minutes and I had no expectation of how long it usually takes for him to come out and take pictures#he comes out without a mask which is surprising to me and says ‘you guys wanna take some pictures?’#we all just kinda form a non sensical blob (there’s maybe like 10 ppl total) around him#Brandon Katie and Eugene hang back towards the stage door unsure if anyone wants to chat with them#I’m gushing over how tall and handsome Ben is to my sister who is ready to record our interaction once he gets to me#as I listen to him chatting with the other fans I can’t help but smile and say to my sibling ‘he’s so sweet’ every minute#he meets someone who has a cool sketchbook of the skits from the show that he wants to take a picture of#but they need to write their handle so he says he’ll talk with some others and get back to them#so he does and then later I see the girl ready to talk to him again off to the side#so I tell her ‘you can go ahead and finish talking to him”’ and she’s like ‘are you sure?’ and I’m like duh!#finally it’s my turn and he looks at me and says ‘hi I’m Ben’#yes Benjamin Joseph Schwartz I know#he sees me holding my phone and immediately sides steps to get into selfie mode as I ask him if he’ll sign my Jean Ralphio figure#he steps back to Be in front of me ‘yes of course!’#what insane media training he has#he says ‘I’ve seen this! this is the first one I’ve ever signed’#upon seeing the figure he says ‘it’s beautiful’ lol#he’s concerned that the sharpie I brought will not show up and I mention that it was probably a bad one to bring because it’s pastel#he signs and holds it up (as you can see in the first photo) to make sure it’s visible#he hands it back to me and I thank him and he says ‘do you want to take a picture?’#and I say ‘I would love to!’ and then I hold the Jean Ralphio figure and he looks to my sibling assuming she’s taking the picture#she’s like ‘no I’m just here for moral support!’
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I think a few hours of uninterrupted quality time with someone I care about and who cares about me would fix me right now 💗💗💗
#like I’ve had some hangout time with friends recently#and my one friend form back home called for a little bit yesterday#but like ??? it all sometimes feels like very small bites of interaction squeezed into their schedules#and not planned out set aside intentional time together#and I am grateful for the time I do get with them#but I’m just feeling the need for a little bit more lately#like let’s just sit and slow down and have a coffee or two and just talk about anything and everything#idk#I sometimes feel a little selfish for wanting more quality and more out of my social interactions#but also I need to acknowledge the things I need in relationships and that’s one of them#otherwise I spend too much time alone and get sad#I guess I just feel sort of disconnected a lot lately#blegghh idk lol#mine#text post
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i cant keep explaining slash shipping to normal people and then just receiving a "that doesn't make any sense" WHERE'S YOUR FUN??? YOUR WHIMSY??!?!? YOUR IMAGINATION???!???
#the parasite talks#like idk what to say to you i was just making a fun joke about the onceler x jack frost era and now im here explaining#the whole history of shipping and the joke is completely dead and buried like my hopes of feeling normal and not terminally online...#also them not understanding the tf2 ships????? at least some accept the heavy and medic ship but just cant wrap their heads around snipersp#LIKE THATS A BASIC ONE HOW ARE YOU GONNA LOOK AT ME WHEN I GET THE MERASMUS AND SOLDIER OR HEAVY AND SCOUT#what do you mean you cant ship demoman and soldier?? hi??? is this thing on???#how are you gonna react to the big four/ rise of the brave tangled dragons#just have fun for a bit.... it really doesnt need to be logical or make sense sometimes i just want to see two hot women making out#what do you mean i cant thing abt glados in her robot form and the hotel in her building mode and pass out because i know the chemistry#between them would be so toxic it would disintegrate me like the elephant's foot??? sorry for having fun with the media i interact with#actually no im not sorry just have fun for once im begging here sorry my brain is so massive and my ass so flat
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i was gonna make a post abt how i dont rly like like. Genre changing covers of songs and then realized upon introspection is that i sort of just dont like rock covers of songs generally
#there are exceptions probably. And i do like rock music im not like deep into it or anything but my dad likes rock music soni grew up#listening to it And enjoy it#maybe im just projecting my prejudices against rock fans into the covers. or something . but itll be like. a disco song and its a rock cover#and im sort of just like. IDK. im probably being silly abt it and it isnt avtually anything just From my interactions with rock fans a lot#of the ones ive spoken to NOT ALL r like..sooo goddamn pretentious and rly put down like Any other genre of music esp like. pop and also#like literally any genre with black roots For some reason . Who knows why that is ... so tomme when they do like a rock cover of a song it#feels more like a Lol fixed your song now Cool ppl can listen to it rather than like a. ooh i enjoyed your song and i wanted to try and do#it but in my style of music. If that makes sense. which is literally just me making up an issue and im Literally putting words in their#mouth I am realizing . IDKK just rambling i suppose. Apologies#like idk i think the novelty of like um. Ooh heres this super cutesy song in a more 'aggressive' sounding form is like. cool but it just umm#idk. ik everyone and their mother says this but i rly do like a wide variety of genres and i go to different genres for different things you#know. and i feel like . IDK i rly am just saying anything. is this an evil thing to say#okay sorry. do not take any of this seriously i am going to bed idt im 1. wording snything write 2#idk if i have a salient (is that the word?) thought to express anyways . another miss for connor in the thinking department he has gotttt#to stop trying! gn everyone love you#also this was a thought that came to my mind bc of a podt i saw but its not like me being mad abt seeing that post or eing mad at the#person who put it on my dash LOL it was a fine video i loooove mirrors like that real ones remember#Just made me think abt it. and i think also i still have some lingering rage from that stupid fucking lay all your love on me cover ider if#that was a genre change or not i get so mad abt it that its fully blacked out of my head#but i think its influencing me in dark ways. and also im just imagining someone doing like an all i need is your sweet loving rock cover and#its making me so.mad#and please listen to All i need is your sweet loving off of gloria gaynors 1975 album '#'never can say goodbye' do this for me i love youuu :] its a rly good album
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this year marks the first Christmas that I knew about both my autism and ADHD
And.... I have no words.
I'm still bone tired and I won't be doing anything productive until my spoons are back, but it's amazing seeing what a difference knowing about these things makes.
I took breaks. I knitted, read a comforting book when I needed to. I didn't eat the Christmas food that makes me sick and left the room when the nausea got too bad.
And I had such a lovely time.
Christmas has never been horrible, per se, but it always drained me on such a deep level and in a way that I had no idea how to deal with until now. And now that I do? That I understand myself so much more, so completely? That I know what I have to do to feel better?
I felt like a person, someone who could interact much more with family, who could laugh without anxiety.
And that turned out to be.... Such a blessing, really.
One I never knew I needed.
#Sorry for the semi deep reflect-y post Tumblr is a good place to ramble#Idk how to tag this#It's pretty funny after getting my diagnosis I realised that almost all of my family is also autistic or ADHD in some form#Which makes interacting with them a lot easier in itself#Anyway#If you're autistic or ADHD or neurodivergents or even just tired#Like#Take breaks#Do what you need to to take care of yourself as much as you are able#You've got this#autism#audhd#neurodivergent#neurodiversity#adhd
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thinkbing about. him
#random thoughts#fnaf#rotating him in my mind like an orb or perhapps a microwavable tv dinner#love the idea of a character who for some reason has him in their house and does regular maintenance on him#someone who worked for fazbear fright and fucking. stole him#au where the place wasn't burned down and actually opened and some kid started working there and fucking took his ass#springtrap in my head is like. mostly an animal. running on instinct and ancient programming. only rarely lucid#the kid who took him oh my god. what if someone who was the sibling of one of the five missing kids stole him#and like. they know he's the man behind the slaughter and can remember him from when he was alive#and they take him and keep him running as like a form of torture. because fazbear fright was gonna be shut down and the animatronic#was gonna be destroyed or smth and they were like 'no you son of a bitch not yet'#and they can sometimes see the ghosts of the children and employees who died and henry. but like they're not done#they cant let go. not yet.#cant let him go to the beyond because that would be too merciful for a son of a bitch like him#but springtrap cant really understand whats happening and mostly just sees Some Guy keeping him running so most of his feelings#are positive#when he's semi lucid he tries to kill them#when he recognizes them from before he kind of shuts down#the range is 'friend!!!' to 'i am going to fucking murder you' to 'how did you do in pe today'#like this guy mostly isn't william afton. idk who he is but he isn't him most of the time#i imagine the springtrap suit is a unique model so its hard to get replacement parts for him so most of him is custom at this point#idk what they do with the bones. probably leave them alone for the most part out of fear of him passing on if they got rid of them#he smells like dirt and mildew and restroom deoderizer probably#i imagine their thoughts on him are 'i recognize this mostly isnt the man who killed my sibling so i dont want him to suffer'#'but also i cant handle the idea of even a little of the man who killed my sibling being able to stop suffering'#like this is william's idea of hell. complete depersonalization#they make his stay tolerable. decent maintenance. idk what kind of enrichment he needs#being kept in a basement away from regular social interaction is probably hell for any children's animatronic#so he loves when they come down for maintenance. probably rarely at first and then more frequently as they adjust themself to his presence#idk how he feels about maintenance. probably very used to the feeling of having a dude inside of him lmaooo
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