#but the numb times and the freeze-or-flight times are always Mightily inconveniently timed | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

grumpyoldsnake · 1 year ago

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One of these days. One of these days, I will figure out what the hell makes the tipping point beyond which either a) there’s socialization that I feel insulated from and kind of numb about and too tired to pursue, or b) socialization where the very notion of so much as expressing one (1) internal thought or emotion suffuses my whole body with adrenaline and blaring Nope instincts.

#don’t get me wrong I think I *do* feel fairly Normal about. idk. a good portion of my social interactions #enough that I can go about my daily life just fine #but the numb times and the freeze-or-flight times are always Mightily inconveniently timed #with regards to actually forming new friendships #and there’s a certain threshold of Acknowledging that I Personally Exist where it *all* becomes freeze-or-flight fffff #(it goes like this: I start to think ‘it’d be kind of neat if—‘)#(and then I consider the actual logistics of getting TO the If. and one way or another — fear or tiredness — it becomes ‘ah. right. nvm.’)#(and then if it’s a bad day I have the further thought that the If probably wouldn’t be fulfilling for other involved parties anyway)#(which is. self defeating in the extreme and a distortion and I know it. >_>)#(but it’s ALSO objectively true on some specific axis and like. mm. some nights finding that balance is hard I guess)#(on the one hand not putting myself down but on the other hand being realistic about what I need vs. what other people need)#(and the fact that there are just some types of socialization that just aren’t a good fit for me)#(and that I can’t be for or have with other folk without burning out spectacularly)#life flails #mental health flails #my stuff #complaining

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