#I need Bro Strider so bad

[premaritalhug]

shoutout to you for always putting striders on my feed 🤩

Of course. It is my life's purpose. I toil upon this field for you, dear anon. Please, sink your hungering denticles into my succulent crops - the fruit of my tireless labor - These mentally ill blond dudes. It's a beautiful thing, bro.

[simmonsized]

i am making aus so specific you cannot even dream of them

a spiritual successor to the piece i made (wow) six years ago!

[angel---eater]

no seriously where did the 'dirk strider is a transmed/is transphobic' thing come from and also can we leave it behind already

[docterrrolal]

i ran out of room in the tags. oh well.

i have SO many opinions on bro and mom. i think about the bromom sketch hussie made every day. no they arent romantically involved obviously but theyre like. soulmates. shitty shitty soulmates. they will always feel so strongly about each other, the only reason why they didnt interact in the comic is because the vibes emanating from them would be so intense that it would have just distracted from everything else going on. god i hope they commit murder suicide.

[benjaminutes]

Hey, remember that Bro Strider cosplayer back when Vine was a thing? The guy who made that one Homestuck vine you laughed at once? I think there was one where I put illuminati triangles over my shades? Does that sound familiar?

Regardless, I (that guy) am going to be participating in a big charity fundraiser event benefiting the Trans Lifeline -  a 501c3 non-profit that focuses on handling calls from trans folks in need and giving microgrants to trans folks who need money for gender afirming care and legal document changes - on July 28th, 29th and 30th from 10am to 8pm pacific each day over on https://www.twitch.tv/benjaminuteslive!

For every $2 donated I will be reading/voicing another page of Homestuck, but that’s not all. There will be a handful of other ways to torture me with my past cringe as well as our BIG goals...

at $2,500 I will be forced to stream the cringiest fan content I ever made (trust me, it’s really bad, I’ve avoided it for years for a reason)

and the goal I’m REALLY scared about:

at $5,000 I will make 5 brand new Bro Strider vines... words that I never thought I would ever utter

So consider stopping by and watching me dissolve live on camera! It’s for a good cause! I just need to keep reminding myself that it’s for a good cause!!!

Oh also, in case you still don’t remember who I even am, maybe you recognize one or two of these?:

[weirdmageddon]

some thoughts on dave lalonde

so note this isn’t a kidswap au, just a strilonde guardian swap au; a plausible au wherein dave’s meteor(s) are set to land in upstate new york and rose’s in houston tx where they are discovered by mom lalonde and bro strider respectively. so it’s not even really an “alternative universe” so much as “alternative circumstance” because that’s literally all that changes

their interests aren’t swapped; their interests are a natural result of a mix of what they were always predisposed towards (we can look at their post-scratch versions for constants) combined with their living environment. rose strider is still gothy and writes, knits, and has an interest in the zoologically dubious. perhaps rose might handcraft some delirious puppets for her brother-slash-ectofather’s enterprise as a “gift��� in one-upmanship. probably has good rapport with the crows that fly into her ironic knockoff disney-princess themed bedroom (see the post i linked above) and get them to fuck with bro passively in exchange for peanuts. she also keeps all the things the crows gift her, pickpocketed shiny things and whatnot

dave lalonde is still the knight of time, still makes sbahj, likes photography, still loves cooking up unbelievably ill jams, still into post-ironic expression, however he’s not irony-poisoned by bro so he’s more comfortable being genuine. his interest in dead things and paleontology comes more to a forefront because of mom’s predilection towards science and genuine encouragement from her. after all she’s made many a mutant kitten herself

i feel like since dave fell to earth with maplehoof, crushing the pony instantly on impact, instead of using its hide to make a bib like a fucking weirdo, mom would paradox clone maplehoof. so dave has a pet pony with a ribbon and little pink heart on it. a knight needs a loyal steed. and hes been attached to maplehoof since his literal first few minutes of existing. so maplehoof wouldnt be bought anywhere, it would originate from itself

i mean he’s seen with the pony at his side in the post-scratch universe so…..

would make sense if the pony mom gifted to rose in canon was more of an involved thing with dave in this circumstance

the only issue is maplehoof cant become his sprite, otherwise that would break the timeloop (they need to come unaltered to earth with dave on the meteor in the first place during the reckoning). also [S] Ride with dave and the scarf would absolutely be a thing at some point

i was thinking maybe instead of a crow, since they aren’t as “everywhere” in upstate new york as they are in that high rise in texas, dave has something more prehistoric put into a sprite. like a parave theropod. can you imagine parave davesprite. maybe an archaeopteryx or something

i guess mom would indulge in a living museum/zoo for “domesticated” ancient organisms all jurassic parked like a weird ongoing experiment but the ectobiology wouldnt be perfect especially because the dna wouldnt be able to be fully read from fossils and specimens. i feel like jurassic park should be dave lalonde’s sort of in-universe media reference the way con air was with john and putting the bunny back in the box. like his friends would just rip on him for living out jurassic park in an imperfect domestic way

and he accidentally kills it through some fetch modus shenanigans. dave still has the bladekind strife specibus but not because he does rooftop battles but because swords are unironically cool, and flings it out the window by accident and it strikes one of the parave theropods in the enclosed zoo below outside his window and dave feels kinda bad

when jade sees it as his server player shes like “oh nooooo :(“ and dave is like “oh god no dont put that in the seizure kernel while i take a piss in one of the many fancy bathrooms this household has”

[nekropsii]

Do you mind elaborating on how Dave was *sexually* abused by Bro? It's been a long while since I've read Homestuck but i hear many other creators say that that's an "absurd, chronically online" thing to say. so you specifying that that's exactly what happened morbidly piqued my interest (no pushing of course, given the gross subject matter i completely understand if this is not something you're comfortable with answering)

The idea of calling that statement "Absurd" and "Chronically Online" is baffling to me, because you'd honestly need to do significantly more mental gymnastics to say that Dave hasn't been sexually abused by Bro. It's textual, and it's a major part of Dave's intro.

Putting this under a cut, because you're entirely correct- this is a really touchy, disturbing subject matter. But it still needs to get talked about. Lucky for you, I'm perfectly okay with talking about the darker aspects of Homestuck's writing... Without filtering it through a fetishistic lens. I apologize in advance if this is more rambly than my usual essays. It's an uncomfortable series of topics that's hard to tackle for any normal person.

Let's do this.

Content Warning: Heavy Discussion of CSA, Mentions of Incest and Pedophilia.

I think where people are getting tripped up is that they hear the phrase "Child Sexual Abuse" and automatically think of the worst forms of it possible. It's an easy trap to fall into, and a pretty understandable one. The word "Abuse" is loaded, and perceived as an inherently violent, extreme action- a callous, sadistic disregard for the safety of someone who is seen as weaker, something done only by an unfeeling, inhuman monster who wishes to dominate the victim. It's a violent word, so people envision it as a violent crime.

I can't fault anyone for hearing the term "Child Sexual Abuse" being applied to two brothers with a significant age gap and instantly assuming that what's being said is that the older brother is committing absolutely heinous acts on the younger brother. That is easy to digest. That's the simplest takeaway one can get from that statement. It's a fair assumption. I can't fault anyone for assuming that the phrase "Dave was a victim of CSA under Bro's care" means that the person stating it thinks that Bro sexually assaulted Dave. I can't fault them for having the assumption that what is being said is that Bro is an incestuous pedophile. I cannot fault it for a second. It's just the easiest takeaway, and the most mentally and emotionally intense one. It's easy to digest, and easy to get mad at. Because saying that would be wrong.

Most cases of abuse are more subtle and nuanced than its most extreme cases. Sometimes abuse come in the form of Neglect. Even sexual abuse can come in the form of Neglect.

For The Record: We have no reason to assume Bro Strider ever made sexual contact with Dave, nor do we have any evidence to the idea that he even had any sexual thoughts or feelings about him. To assert that idea as fact would be fucked up. But that doesn't automatically negate the presence of sexual abuse.

What I want everyone to understand is that it is sexually abusive to constantly, wittingly expose a child to sexual material, be it websites, videos, photos, or objects. It is sexually abusive to do this, and the fact that Dave is surrounded by sexual objects and pornographic material- and has been since he was a literal baby- should absolutely concern people. The comedy of it is surface level, and a quick prod quickly reveals the abject horror of the situation.

Bro's main business appears to be in the porn industry, specifically making puppet fetish content. A parent being in the porn industry and having a fetish... Isn't inherently a bad thing. Kinks and fetishes are normal, and so is being a sex worker. If that's what you want to do, go for it. But Bro leaves his Smuppets everywhere, which are, by and large, sex toys. Whether or not they are for his own personal sexual gratification is irrelevant to the debate- if you are a parent and your business is making and selling dildos, it is still your job as a parent to hide those dildos from your kid, even if they're not for your own use.

Dave knows this. He knows that Smuppets are sex toys. Dave is very aware of the fetish porn site that Bro runs. Bro knows that Dave knows this. The sexual boundary between Bro and Dave is incredibly thin- inappropriately so for one's own young child. And Dave, the child in this situation, knows this lack of boundaries is wrong... But he's genuinely not in the right place to fully acknowledge it. He's too unsafe still, so he has to keep making excuses to try and bury his trauma.

[Homestuck, page 461.]

The thing you have to keep in mind throughout reading Dave's entire introductory segment is that "Irony" is a code word. A lot of abuse victims, when they're still too unsafe to fully acknowledge their abuse, tend to make excuses for their abuser's behavior in the form of "At Least" statements. As in, "At least they don't hit me", or "At least I can still talk to my friends". Things of that nature. "Irony" is Dave's "At Least". That's him saying "At least this is a joke", "This is creepy, but at least it's not serious", "at least he doesn't mean it".

All of this Smuppet stuff is creepy, and Dave wishes Bro would stop. He wishes he'd put his puppet sex toys away, wishes he'd stop tormenting him every waking moment of his life, wishes he'd stop forcing him to fight. He wishes he wasn't trapped in an apartment that feels like hell, and he wishes he didn't have to hide any drinks and food he could get his hands on in the closet to get any chance at sustaining his own life and body. He wishes he was a normal kid in a normal home with a parent that loves him, just like his friends.

But hey, it's all ironic. At least Bro doesn't mean it, right?

It all stops being abuse when you declare it to be a prank, right?

It's fine, guys.

[Homestuck, page 467.]

Totally fine.

[the-meat-machine]

In Defense of Ultimate Dirk

I am going to be honest: I have a hard time understanding why people think Ultimate Dirk is out of character. Because if there is one character I can believe would willingly take on the role of the villain if he thought it meant saving everything he held dear, it's Dirk.

See, Ultimate Dirk isn't Dirk just randomly becoming a villain. He's not suddenly acting mean for no reason. It's not even that he was destined to be a villain (though Dirk believes he was, and that plays into it). Ultimate Dirk is Dirk deliberately playing up his own worst traits in order to make himself the villain because that's the only path forward he can see -- not just for himself, but for everyone.

The way I see it, in the post-canon, Dirk's growing powers make him uncomfortably aware of several massive problems.

Problem 1

Dirk is a fictional character. All of his friends are fictional characters. And the story he's from is over. Without more canon coming out, Dirk is convinced that everyone and everything he loves is doomed to a slow slide into irrelevance. They will fade out of the public consciousness. Everyone will forget about them. And outside of the minds of the creator and the audience, Dirk et al. have no existence. Without more stories about them, there is no more of them. In Dirk's view, the end of canon is tantamount to death -- and not just for him. For everyone he cares about. This is the fundamental problem driving Ultimate Dirk. Nothing could be more important than ensuring that his friends' stories get to continue.

Problem 2

Dirk's growing Heart powers mean he is becoming intimately familiar with his friends' internal lives. More familiar than anyone would reasonably want to be. More familiar than anyone can be while retaining their own sanity and their respect for their friends. Dirk sees all the ways they're failing to live up to their potential. In fact, he can't NOT see all their little flaws, all the mistakes they make, all the bad decisions they justify to themselves, all the ways they could be more than they are but fail to live up to. To someone like Dirk, who feels intensely driven to guide his friends toward self-improvement, this must be absolutely maddening.

Problem 3

Dirk knows that his splinters are a Problem. Ultimate Dirk is the sum total of all Dirks, and that means that his consciousness now includes such luminaries as Bro Strider, Doc Scratch, Lord English, and Lil Cal. Ultimate Dirk knows intimately what his influence has wrought on Paradox Space, and it's not great! Splinters of his have had a hand in pretty much every awful thing that happens in Homestuck and in particular have deeply harmed Dave, the person who is perhaps most important to him in the universe. And now those splinters are part of him. He understands how they thought, why they did what they did. There are parts of him that feel that they were justified, even as he hates himself for it, hates himself for everything that he feels that he is. Everything he can see is pointing to him fundamentally being a callous, sadistic puppeteer. He's drowning in his own dismal persona and can't see any way to escape from it.

(One thing I'd like to note here is that Dirk's abilities as a fully realized Ultimate Prince of Heart, though extremely powerful, still have limitations. In particular, he cannot see the future. He can see what other versions of himself became, but he cannot see what he is going to become. But I don't think he notices that there's actually nothing that destines him to have to repeat his splinters' mistakes. His powers make him feel as though he already knows everything there is to know about himself. They make him inclined to see the Self as an immutable whole. It doesn't occur to him that the actions of his splinters don't have to dictate what he becomes. It doesn't occur to him that he could change.)

The "Solution"

So. Here is what I think is going on with Ultimate Dirk:

Dirk needs there to be more Homestuck. He wants his friends to live up to their potential. Forcing them to do so would be villainous… but a new villain is exactly what the story needs in order to continue. So, why not kill two birds with one stone? He can embrace the villainy he thinks he's destined to fall into anyway, puppeteer his friends to drag them in the directions he thinks they should go, and thereby spark a conflict that will kick off new stories and make his friends into even greater heroes. Really, he has the power to save his friends from oblivion. What sort of dick would he be if he didn't?

And if the course Dirk is planning ends with his own Just death at Dave's hands, well, it's only what he deserves... isn't it?

[transmasculineswag]

Transmasc Swag Polls- ROUND 1

Propaganda and other info under the cut.

CANONICITY LEVELS-

BOW: Subtext/ Coded (liked by the creator, but he has stated that he won't confirm anything because retroactively making something canon makes him uncomfortable) DIRK: Subtext/ Coded (so heavily that the author tried- and failed- to kill the headcanon in extended media)

MEDIA? She-Ra and the Princesses of Power, Homestuck (and other related media) BOW PROPAGANDA- He's shown bathing in something that looks a lot like a binder, is included in the princesses group as the only man* and there's a whole episode that is constructed as a coming out allegory- Bow has to tell his dads he's a warrior and not a researcher/historian and has been lying to them about what he's been up to. The creator has stated he didn't intend for Bow to be read as trans but does like the headcanon. *Seahawk is also there but more as support to Mermista, Bow is integrated in the group from the beginning and even points out how "he's the only one here who's not a princess". He's one of the coolest characters and a great inventor, archer and best friend of Glimmer and Adora. Bow is such a great example of healthy masculinity, always ready to defend people in need but never aggressive or confrontational. His love of short shirts is so iconic he even cut his space suit to show off a bit of his belly- we love a guy dedicated to his fashion sense. DIRK PROPAGANDA- One of the last two humans on earth, the only source of how to be a human for the first like, ten years of his life until he meets Roxy is all the shit his Bro left for him and the archive of the internet. He decides he's not a fan of all the shit that's considered "girly" in the 2010s and 2020s bc he wants to be just like his Bro, so he's transmasc not bc of societal expectations but bc that's just what he's comfortable with. [Pollrunner's Note: I will not even pretend that I'm not biased here. Dirk is the character that cracked my egg so hard that I couldn't deny that I was trans anymore. He's a canonically gay boy handled with an extreme amount of grace in an era of media where that was completely unheard of, retroactively making one of the most popular and masculine adults in the entire comic gay as well, since it is revealed that they are one and the same. There's an entire passage in the comic in his and Roxy's introductions joking about chromosomes, textually making an observation that he and Roxy are in a 'reverse adam and eve situation'. He cares so, so much about his friends but is incapable of expressing those feelings because he's afraid that by his very nature as a person that he is both corrupting them and doesn't deserve them. Dirk's story has a lot to do with abuse, emotional neglect, and what it means to feel like you're fundamentally a bad person but living every day trying to break that cycle regardless. Textually he was based off of (accidentally and then later an intentional deconstruction of) Gurren Lagann's Kamina, a character I have described as the "platonic ideal of masculinity". The way he was written in postcanon lead to feelings so strong that I ended up having a conversation known as the "Dirk Rant" that my brother claims "changed the way he viewed media forever". He is THE transmasc blorbo of all time to a majority of the Homestuck fandom.]

[alfiely-art]

FINISHED ACT 2!!!! I promise I'm taking my time

Act 1 live reaction here

Here are notes I took while reading!!!

Hi vagabond fella… you're cute

Huh. So the world ended. Okay

Happy birthday john, you fucked up!!!! My god!!!!

Oh interesting… wonder if the kernel will come back later

I like this sprite lmaoooo silly guy

“It's a long way down” Hey. Hey wait a sec. Isn't that deltarune

HEY THE BUNNY WHERE DID IT GO

Bro Rose probably thinks you're dead lmfaooooo

House trapped. LIKE THE TITLE HOMESTUCK DO U GET IT

Am I supposed to ignore the Stop Scurrying button btw. He will scurry to my hearts content

HEY WHERES DAD.

“Would you like to play a game?” C…caliborn….? :3

We scurried until we couldn't scurry anymore

Aw he's scared :( WALK ACROSS IT ur fine…

A voice?? Is it the blue text. The sprite

OMG ITS THE VAGABOND!!!!

Sorry rose I'm not reading allat

So wait. Did the game cause the meteors or is it just saving people from them. Why was there no warning

Betty crocker is born /j

Nvm sprite said No <3

NOT NANNAS ASHESSSSS LMAOOOO

“Hoo-hoo-hoo” HEY I SAW CALIBORN GIGGLE LIKE THAT IN A FIC. I know the Striders have more to do with Caliborn but let me reach

OH its the sprite

Dave. Honey. Nows not the time for your rap

Which admittedly has fun rhymes

AW FLUCK IT

Dave what are you yapping about

THE FUCKIHG CAR OH MY GOD

DAVE OH MY GOD HOW ARE YOU STILL GOING

Fluthlu… I love you

I'm not even gonna try to spell that but I like the other squid octopus creature as well

Oglogoth… goth !!!!

Hey wait. The horror terrors are part of sburb. Is the game influenced by their lives and interests. Like. Deltarune

OH PSYCHE!!! hi Dave

Sword!!!!!!

Wow your room is really mHEY I KNOW THOSE GUYS. THATS THE FELT GUYS. SQUAREWAVE AND RHE OTHER ROBOT. I KNOW THOSE ONES!!!!! OHHHHHH

Bleat like a goat and piss on your turntable

Oh Dave. Oh Dave

Hey wait is this earlier in the day.

Okay this is definitely earlier in the day

Aw. He doesn't wanna make satire of the sburb review

FUCK IM FALLING DOWN ALL THESE STAIRS……

Is that. John's hand???? what the fuck is happening in midnight crew

Flagrant Homosexuality

YOU CANT BE SAYING THAT WHITE BABY (I was told that they use slurs, slur count 2!!!!)

Her life depends on you playing that game Dave

Ewwww what's the shit under the door

It's okay Dave piss probably isn't that bad. It's also probably Apple juice You're fine

HE GOT PISS/JUICE ON HIS TURNTABLES NOOOOOO

. They're gonna fly out the window

OH MY GOD BIRD NO

Wait. Davesprite is a bird with a sword in him. Omg is that bird the beginning of Davesprite omg!!!!

Wizard

Rose and her mom are fucking weird

MOM!!!!!

Hardcore parkour

Jade be telling the future…. Why can she do that

LIL CAL MENTION

NARRATOR YOU CANT BE SAYING THAT (slur count: 3)

Ironic Indulgence

Btw. Are you able to. Win the strifes. I'm so confused

“Fine, you'll interrupt your reading and turn around, but you don't see what could possibly be so oh my god it's a monster.” Hi this is absolute gold this is how I type

John died :(

Yay he's alive!!!

YOOOOO SICKKKK AFFFFF MOVE

John is such a nerd I love him

JASPERS NOOO

Hi Nanna harlequin sprite

Dave is very suddenly creeped out by the puppets, okay. Don't diss Lil cal bro

Baked good hater for Life!!! Also I am just like John I have absolutely no idea what Nannasprite was talking about. We r along for the ride

HUMAN ETIQUETTE WOOOO I NEED THAY BOOK

Jade why do you know all this stuff

Haha Dave's an emoji

IS THAT A DRIPPED OUT SLAPPY

HI CAL HI BABYGIRL !!!! I like Cal he's the man

Sweet Bro n Hella Jeff is. I

Cals eyes are so shiny

HAHAHAHAH JOHN MADE A SWEET BRO AND HELLA JEFF REFERENCE. I can't

U and me both Rose. We Are giggling

John died again

What the fuck is happening at Dave's house

ROSE RAP ROSE RAP

WHSJSHSJSH THE LITTLE IMP????

What the fuck is happening

I WANT TO PLAY A GAME is this a caliborn reference. Anyway uhhh Bro is kinda weird what's going on with him

Why does he have a camera in the saw guy figurine. Bro. What's uh up with you

BRO REALLY IS A NINJA…. Whys he jusy moving Cal around

Dave. I know you said your Bro is awesome but I think he's just really weird. He's silly

I do think it's interesting. John doesn't like his dad even though his dad is great (worst thing is he ignores that his kid doesn't like betty crocker goods). Rose hates her mom, but.. for like, the wrong reasons?? Like yeah her mom’s an alcoholic and seems neglectful but she doesn't seem to do the Irony shit Rose says she does. And then Dave seems to think Bro is the absolute best even though. This is not a great situation. I wonder what Jade's family is like

Also John and Rose avoid their parents but Dave's Bro seems to avoid Dave. interesting

Anyway POOR DAVE HE GOT SMOOSHED

Hey that letter is the same as the one in the trans dirk comic I saw :0

NOOO I WANTED TO SEE BRO

Yoooo John that's a cool weapon actually

That's a big boy right there what a big boy

ROSE THE FIRE ITS AT UR WINDOW

YO WAS THAT SILHOUETTE JADE?!?!?! JADE YAAA

Big boy!!!!!!

HEY I WAS INVESTED IN SEEING JOHN FIGHT. Oh at least we can see Bro. Wait how's Rose

??? JADE???

OOP NOPE. VAGABOND

What the fuck is happening I

vagabond is so silly I like him

Hey guys I think a king hurt vagabond. Just a guess. Probably reaching idk /j

VAGABOND PISS SCENE ?!?!?! YIPPEE!!!

Oh nvm. Btw can we get this guy a burger

HES SO HAPPY OVER THE. idk what that is DANGANRONPA BLOOD IN A CAN!!!!!!

HEY WHAT THE FUCK ARE ON THESE SCREENS BTW. Wait I'm shouting so much. But what the fuck. Dave has his sprite??? Yay???? I thought he was gonna fight Bro??? What happened to Lil Cal???

Hey isn't that Jade's symbol on the pumpkin

Yooo that's such a cool cutscene actuHUH HOW IS IT THE END OF THE ACT AGAIN

The frick….

Anyway. Thoughts: I like Vagabond. Jade is mysterious. Dave gay. Bro creepy. Someone pls save Rose. John you gotta put your big boy pants on and fight those ogres. Good act!!! idk why people say the pre-trolls stuff is boring I'm enjoying myself

[yanderes-galore]

Fandom : Homestuck

Character : Dave Strider

Pairing : Romantic

Description : Just some regular Headcanons with the coolest Boy

Love your writings! :D

- Eridan Anon

Sure! This focuses on my take of him in Homestuck, if something is off I'm so sorry :( I wasn't sure if I wrote him right so I researched what I could.

Happy late Birthday to Dave, I share the same extended zodiac sign as him and I love his character :)

Not fully edited, may have spelling mistakes.

Yandere! Dave Strider Concept

Pairing: Romantic

Possible Trigger Warnings: Gender-Neutral Darling, Obsession, Delusional behavior, Overprotective behavior, Trauma (Dave's backstory primarily), Manipulation, Kidnapping, Violence/Death, Stalking, Secret picture taking, Forced relationship.

I feel Dave is one that both tries too hard around you yet also puts up facades.

More than anything he feels he should protect you and that he knows best.

The above trait is something he shares eerily with Dirk due to the trauma he suffered with Bro.

He greatly cares about you but at the same time appears distant at times.

Dave tends to make music for fun and for his friends, playing a cool persona despite being quite vulnerable due to his past.

He tends to go on long rants and talks to himself and is quite mature.

He jokes but can take things seriously when he needs to, he also tries to not abuse his time powers.

Yet it's shown he'd go back in time to prevent the demise of any of his friends since he cares a lot.

Dave originally appears like he doesn't care about you or your interests.

Although, in reality, Dave really enjoys you and listening to you talk.

He remembers every interest you have to bring up later, just to hear you speak about it.

Dave is easily influenced by you too.

He really does think you're cool and if you bring up the fact you like something... Dave does his best to find a gift that goes along with it.

He'd talk to you over Pesterchum and send gifts to you at times.

He often wants to ramble at you about various things, like he's venting.

He'd love it if you listened, honestly.

In a way Dave displays delusional behavior as he thinks he knows how to care for you.

Part of him is certainly projecting trauma.

Similar to how he wanted to protect Jade because he liked her, he feels he has to do the same with you.

You can tell Dave has care towards you through the music and gifts he sends.

It's all tuned to your likes and interests, showing he does listen to you despite the front he puts up.

Honestly, due to his past I can see Dave wanting your praise.

He would want to feel validated through you.

Being there for him is enough to make him attached.

As I said before, he is eerily like Dirk Strider in terms of yandere behavior.

Dave may manipulate you without really meaning it.

This is due to the delusional thought that he knows best.

He knows kidnapping you, isolating you, and being the only one around you is wrong.

But to him is seems like the right thing to do.

Seeing the mortality of his friends and himself certainly doesn't help such thoughts.

If you were in his session he would use his powers to protect you.

Still tries not to abuse them, yet he can't see himself going on without you.

If you were both Derse Dreamers, Dave would want to find you to just talk.

Dave seems like he'd get unintentionally clingy.

Subconsciously he wants to get closer up until he eventually gives in and isolates you.

He just feels comfortable with you, you're so much more welcoming than Bro was to him.

He hates to upset you but finds it necessary at times.

How else is he supposed to keep you safe with him?

Dave is skilled in photography.

Which obviously means he tries to take as many pictures as he can of you.

Everything from shared selfies to more... candid and secretive pictures.

He keeps them in either an album or a folder on his PC to look at.

They bring him comfort.

Dave often suppresses his emotions.

While he does feel bad when he makes you upset, he can't be so easily driven by emotion to let you go.

Which is ironic... as he allowed emotion to drive him to the point of isolating and kidnapping you.

Dave doesn't mind you speaking to the others for the most part.

But he isn't afraid to restrict it eventually.

Dave doesn't mean to be so possessive and protective at times.

He unfortunately can't help it.

You're just about the only one he can cling to.

This leads him to trying to form a romantic attraction towards you.

He just wants you all to himself... for the protection and comfort of both of you in his eyes.

Dave would try his best to be affectionate.

It's difficult for him as he doesn't understand at first.

However, if you showed him affection before things went downhill, then he'll do that.

Tight hugs, attempted kisses, stuff like that.

For the most part he feels comfortable with the fact you're safe.

He tells you that in his rambles.

Dave no doubt would make songs that represent the two of you in his mind.

He'd then play them while sitting beside you, just enjoying the moment while you plot ways to leave.

Overall... I feel yandere Dave means well... but that does not make what he's doing right.

Due to his background and experiences... he's so obsessed with protecting and impressing you he loses himself.

Leading to Dave often neglecting your own feelings in favor his own.

[rosemaryyuri]

don't want to reblog the post again but GOD mutual @/relaxxattack did not have to go off so hard in the tags but he did that post has been irking me because it could be So Good IF ONLY it actually acknowledged that mom lalonde was a bad mother beyond just a brief mention of her not being perfect and her alcoholism. that's like the only reason i didn't reblog it it just completely breezes over the fact that mom lalonde was incredibly emotionally absent towards rose and tried to compensate in extravagant gifts when that just Wasn't What She (rose) Needed As A Child.

also rose strider is an awesome concept but let's be for real with bro her neurotic tendencies and inability to accept genuine gestures as genuine would just be so much worse. the mind games with bro would be fucking insane and also very detrimental to her as a person

[pointless-discourse]

hs diet/cooking skills headcandons :3

what would they eat. i prommy im not scrambling for ideas, i am being fully genuine when i say i think about (the majority) of these a lot. disregarding my trans hcs for consistency and to try to reign in my fanon perception and keep it at least semi-accurate

content warning for disordered eating

JOHN EGBERT

eats very well, if a little heavy on the sweets just based on how many are in his vicinity. his dad loves baking. there will be baked goods. despite how sick he gets of sugar, he's gonna nibble.

however, i'm sure his dad knows how to cook and passed that onto john, at least how to follow a recipe

i think john would be a recipe follower most of the time tbh

living with nanna on the ship wouldn't significantly alter his skills

maybe with all that free time he'd start to improv more in the kitchen?

anyway, he is a good cook and is probably going to end up cooking for his disaster friends a lot because he is a charming young man

well not really? like he'll be on it in a pinch if he's asked too, or immediately reminded that his friends can't fucking cook, but she, in typical egbert fashion, will remain doing her own thing a lot of the time

charming young june gets tradwife'd ig

fuck i transed her . oopsie

DAVE STRIDER

we've seen that his fridge is full of smuppets and he hides his food, so his stash is small and is made up of foods that don't need to be refrigerated

texan heat is def a catalyst for that rot

his stash is also made of cheap, low quality food, because i doubt he's getting a lot of money

just an assortment of non-ingredient food like apples and mcdonands

this is on the hypothesis that bro gives dave food money or dave's somehow monetized his skills

if bro is providing this food, it's probably semi-often paywalled behind weird shit or swordfights

TLDR: he likely doesn't have a consistent supply either. enough to sustain some muscle so he can live up to what we've seen in comic, but he's underweight

you think he'll learn to cook on the meteor? wrong. why learn to cook when you can alchemize? what's the point of alchemizing the ingredients for a PB&J and then assemble it when you can just magic up a sandwich?

he cannot cook. he will burn the water. the only appliance he can use is a microwave, and that is iffy in itself because, until he gets the hang of it, will leave a slightly lukewarm hamburger in there for ten minutes

JADE HARLEY

plants. a lot of plants.

freshest thing near her. everything else she has to get through the airplane mail.

she'd forget to eat for a day or two, and then wonder why she's so hungry and then eat enough to feed a family of three. horses. three horess

she lost her grandpa at a young age and then was raised by a dog, so i doubt her eating habits are completely normal

she eats like a dog. jade does not use silverware because she does not like doing dishes. all food is finger food if you're not afraid.

what she eats is of very high quality. if she remembers to eat and can prepare her food correctly, she'll do fine.

on that topic, she's not a bad cook. her chem know-how would help her estimate what would work. but she's never had another person interact with her cooking, so it's lacking a lot of stuff.

research can get her cooking close to the real thing, but it's still mediocre. she doesn't even know what she's missing, because she's never known anything else.

she has a lot of weird tastes that can only come from an insane amount of time to kill. i'm talking mustard everywhere.

john and nanna might be able to reign her in a bit? they would definitely help her improve her cooking skills. watching her eat, there would still be something off about her.

however, she can cook for herself, and it tastes kinda good.

ROSE LALONDE

like john in that she had someone there who would cook for her.

mom lalonde is very absent, but she's still on top of things. she responds to rose's notes. she vaccums. she would still cook for rose on a regular basis, give or take a few off weeks.

that cooking would not be good, because she's wasted whilst making it.

even if the food was good, rose wouldn't admit it.

she often makes a show of pecking at her food, but still eats.

unlike john, mom never showed rose how to cook. rose never asked.

when she gets to the meteor, like dave, she alchemizes all the food she needs. there has never been a reason for her to learn how to cook.

she could probably put effort in and, with strife, successfully follow a recipe, but she is a horrible cook. she does not understand it for the life of her, and she won't until she studies it

she'll master it. eventually.

JANE CROCKER

like june. their upbringings are very similar.

one exception is that she cooks more and is a much better cook than she is because jane genuinely cares about it.

she also has some mad pastry skills.

jane can make macarons.

she would attempt to teach her disaster friends to cook, but would quickly lose patience.

and then she would try to cook for them, but get sick of it a meal in. they are very picky and her temper is not long

DIRK STRIDER

survives purely off rations/canned food

again, dave's food is fuel mindset extends to him and he can stomach a lot of "gross" things, like an entire can of peanut butter. i may have mentioned that before, so i'll give you some PD lore. i have eaten an entire jar of peanut butter out of hunger and i think about that event a lot because it was not nice for my tastebuds

however, i think as a control freak he would be adamant about his food schedule, even mathing out the amount of calories he would need to consume for every meal proportional to what he does in a day

and then a half-hearted attempt to balance out protiens, fats, minerals, and the other stuff

he is very adamant about his schedule and consuming the food he needs to survive, but that schedule is fucked

ex. 3 cans of canned peaches for breakfast at 3:50 in the morning. two large, burnt mutated fish for dinner at noon. no lunch. or eats half a can of peaches for the twenty hours he is awake in a day.

he can cook, as in prepare meat to be consumed alright. it's edible, and it's not that bad. but he is assed at combining ingredients. he cannot create something successful. all his food tastes like shit because he does not pick up on taste. though, i believe if he was cooking for someone else, he could set aside a few days and come up with something that's high-tier in the mediocre range.

JAKE ENGLISH

he eats only the meat of the beasts he's killed. he has scurvy.

he is a good cook (in the sense that he can competently prepare meat) though, and genuinely cares about the quality of the food he makes for the sake of his taste buds, and cooking is something he can get lost in

however: he has insane tastes. he is an expert in preparing food in this hyper-unique way that he is insane for but is absolutely disgusting to anyone else

ex. after years of eating similar tasting meat, he was motivated to use seasoning. he does not own seasoning. he is going insane and cannot eat the same thing again. he uses dirt. tastes bad, but god he is dying for something new after x years of eating the same thing for breakfast lunch and dinner. he continues to eat it because he cannot eat unseasoned meat anymore and repetition-causes-complacency's himself into genuinely enjoying the taste of dirt.

dirt is just the tip of the iceberg

jake is also unintentionally bulking (bodybuilders eat a lot of meat to gain muscle). he eats a lot of protien. however, he hasn't herd of the concept of 'cuts' (where you stop eating as much to let the muscles show) so he has a bit of a tummy

but also, he's sixteen so he's not a fridge. i also don't see him as that tall (huss draws him as shorter than dirk anyay huehuehue) but he has muscle if you look. twunk if anything

ROXY LALONDE

genuinely horrid diet

so zoned out and depressed she barely recognizes her own hunger and even then has no drive to do anything about it

will eat sugary stuff for the happy chemicals

roxy is the one trans headcanon i have where i am completely unable to distinguish it from canon

she is trans in my head. that is as much a part of her to me as her love for cats is

anyway like a lot of trans women she's pressured to be petite and small in her portion choices so even when she has the drive to eat i dont think its a lot

because of her likely not weighing a lot shes a lightweight

part one million on how is roxy not dead yet

and as expected, she cannot cook

she also has some really weird tastes

she is really good at baking a few specific sweets that she eats on repeat (with a lot of recipes from jane)

once she enters the medium and works on her drinking problem i think her eating problems would also get less intensive

not drinking as much she has to face her hunger more

and being around jane, a big gal, face to face, i think that would do something to her idea that to be a woman she has to be small

KARKAT VANTAS

troll rations

not only is he poor so no money for all the nice stuff i also dont think troll society has a big focus on cooking

their only main professions are military based and art doesn't seem to be a big focus, just a highblood thing

again probably some nasty cheap ration bars that keep him alive

but i do think he eats regularly and normal amounts, he has that fighting spirit to stay alive and get stronger

but yeah i don't think troll society would require you to put a lot of effort into culinary stuff. but he can prepare the food well

the meteor inspired no one to cook, but he'd get the hang of human food and probably enjoy it as compared to tasteless lowblood troll slop

humanstuck karkat is a kid chef. he is so fucking good at cooking. baking too.

ARADIA MEGIDO

mmmmm yummy troll slop

same as karkat

ghost aradia didnt need to eat anyway so i doubt that would've affected her diet habits

same with got tiger aradia? don't think she would bother with it, too much else to do

but once she starts hanging around in the dreambubbles, exposed to non-troll slop cusine, she'd have a fun time trying to learn how to cook and delight in all those new flavors

then when she gets to earth c she's a good cook who loves cooking

TAVROS NITRAM

i dont have any headcanons fro tavros because is hate him

sorry tavros fans

uhh he probably eats POOP!!! and LIKES IT!!! because he TAVROS!!!

SOLLUX CAPTOR

troll-slop-enjoyer, but also likes aradia's cooking

humanstuck sollux survives purely off doritos and g-fuel

NEPETA LEJION

utter chad

survives solely off the giant beasts she kills herself

ripped yet still small and nimble

her diet is entirely protein

no troll slop for her

unfortunately for her, this means missing out on non protiens and fats

nepeta has scurvy

humanstuck nepeta is less feral and also eats cute japanese cat themed sweets

KANAYA MARYAM

dont know if it was stated in canon but she would garden alongside eating troll slop

blood

yumy blood

roses blood

you would not believe it from looking at her but humanstuck kanaya eats a lot of spicy food and has a horrifically high spice tolerance

she's also pretty good at cooking, mediocre at baking

TEREZI PYROPE

?????? chalk???????

hopefully alongside the slop

either that or troll chalk is really nutritious

VRISKA SERKET

despite technically being a highblood i doubt she'd engage in their fancy food

she eats to survive, not for the taste

she may have access to higher quality sludge though

i think this part of her would persist, but she does love june's cooking

EQUIUS ZAHHAK

pure, distilled protien and milk

so much milk

its not 2%, not 3.25%, it's 100% milk

he suckles it straight from the moobeast teat

it is really weird and he does not get invited to parties

gigachad

humanstuck equius's diet is 1/4 food and 3/4 protien shakes, bars, and the like

he'd probably also be like those bodybuilding influencers who eat eggs raw or camel nutsacks

GAMZEE MAKARA

similar to roxy in that he's too checked out to remember to eat

but what he does have as a highblood is insanely high quality

sober gamzee does not require any sustenance to survive in a similar fashion as to how he got shot down by caliborn and was fine afterwards

humanstuck gamzee can bake. he cannot cook. he has the diet of an insane college student, ramen cups interspersed with weed brownies

occasionally he gets the munchies and eats enough to feed four full grown goku

i like thinking that someone realized he wasn't doing alright tried to help him, maybe roxy? in a universe where he didn't get lil cal'd

ERIDAN AMPORA

only the finest fish food for him

he dines like a king

he projectile vomits when in a 50 mile radius of the sludge

agile, but weak

doesn't cook, has other people do it for him

humanstuck eridan has a private chef and is offended if you expect him to cook for himself

FEFERI PEIXES

finest fish food for her, dines like a queen

but also attempts to live like the normies once and a while

and take a bite of the (highblood edition) slop

humanstuck fef also has a private chef but helps out in the kitchen from time to time

gonna b real dawgs, i cannot concieve of the dancestors in this manner. peace

[bluescribble]

(kinda a long post)

JOHN : He's the kid who has lived the most "normal" life out of all the beta kids. I like to think he looks like a relatively average boy, and that his dad took good care of his son. I'm willing to bet Dadbert only bought him clothes that fit him well, so he nevers looks frumpy or whatever, but he doesn't look fancy. He isn't too thin or big, although maybe he has bit of baby chub here and there (he's still growing up :P) but overall he's healthy. I like to think he looks like a more masculine Jane Crocker, so he has Jake's features but looks softer ? you get what i mean. I also like to think he has thinner and straighter eyebrows, just to get that "innocent" hero look.

ROSE : To be quite honest I think people should point out how similar she's to Dirk sometimes. Like, I think she inherited his"vanity" to keep up appearances, esp about his hair. I like to imagine she keeps extra care of it, but doesn't quite know how to. I doubt she'd ask her mom how to do it, so her bangs become all dry and stringy in an attempt to have them pefect. I gave her lots of volume cuz I think it makes her look dramatic tbh. She looks masculine in the sense that I think she might have a little more muscle definition than Dave. I'm not talking body builder but like, you know how some people look a bit toned without doing anything ? That's that. Her face is more angled, her eyebrows are a little more filled in (like alpha Strider) but her sprite still shows she kept those enigmatic Lalonde eyes. Though I'd still like an aloof Rose Lalonde lol. She looks healthy enough, but not as she should be I think. Also she looks like an octopus.

DAVE : Same thing, I prefer to compare him to Roxy. Out of all the betas in my head he looks very soft. I don't personally draw his hair all rough like John's, for him it's more soft strokes and the like, to give the same impression as Roxy's little twirl thingy in her hair. His eyebrows are a little rounded too, not straight like Egbert's but definitely less harsh. As seen by Hussie's sketch of the Striders without glasses, he has big ol' eyes. So I'd imagine he has a more sultry shape than Rose. He's got a bit of a baby face. He's very skinny though, since Bro doesn't feed him properly. Physical activity + no food = bad tbh.

JADE : In terms of looks, she looks so bubbly. I haven't drawn all the alphas yet but I think she'd have Jake's "wonder" aura or wtv and Jane's big lashes, which gives her large anime eyes haha. She just has so much energy and wit. I tried to make her face look like Jane but with Jake's more "masculine" face shape, as in square. English just gave the "slightly square face shape" gene to his ecto-family lmao. So I tried to round the edges of her face abit, but it distinctly looks a little square. She probably has straight-ish eyebrows, but with a stern look overall ? Jane's skepticism about stuff comes to mind with that. Also I wanted to give the effect that if you shortened her hair she'd look like Jane and Jake at the same time (I haven't drawn the alphas ik but shh). She's probably healthy enough, I mean she has all the veggies and game she needs on her islands, and gadjets and whatnot. She might look the most normal with John, but her upbringing is left to be desired :(

i don't believe in artstyles personally, but that's what comes to mind usually

[nogenderonlyrat]

So I'm re-listening to Prime Defenders, and here are some things I decided to take note of :D

Spoilers ahead for Prime Defenders obviously

-Holy shit Dakota's voice evolves so much through the series it sounds so weird now

-Condi said that Vyncent had black hair, wtf happened to make it purple??

-Rahhh Jimmy "Looks Like A Stop-Sign" Jackson let's goooo

-William believing Vyncent about his home world at least somewhat (saying he "saw God") BECAUSE HE DIEDDD HE KNOWS ABOUT DIFFERENT WORLDS BECAUSE OF THE SPIRIT REALM

-"One time I had a dream where I thought I saw God but honestly I just woke up on an operating table and it was just a doctor" (Dakota was really giving the lore out in the very first episode damn)

-Beats by Ms. G is crazy (lo-fi beats to tactile learn to)

-Ne-Yo high schooler is crazyyy

-I kinda forgot William didn't always need to roll to use his ghost power thingies

-LE FROG'S FIRST APPEARANCE FUCK YESSS

-My bad bro it's Ze Frog right now 😒

-+11 to initiative is crazy

-"What are you gonna do with their feet, Charlie?" -Bizl

-Oh em gee Le Frog's first bank robbery

-Teehee Strider pre-name

-YOOOO he called it a back-handspring instead of just a "cartwheel" or "somersault" yippeeeee (I can do that 🔥)

-"Le Frog's lights go le out"

-"Chill bomb grooves to defuse bombs to" I need a Beats by Ms. G playlist in my life guys

-Forgot there was a time where the professional heroes answered when they called

-No way there's wires is that Among Us

-I get chills now when I hear the name "Whisperer" it's crazy

-"I've never heard of this Kermit, is he a criminal?" I love Vyncent

-YO TIDEEEEEEE FUCK YEAH

-Their warehouse base thingy looks abandoned that's gotta be kinda sketch to outsiders

-Just the first episode reminds me of how good of a campaign this is and it terrifies me for my upcoming campaign I'VE NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE AHHHDUEIEF

You can probably expect more of this for future episodes yayyy

[ale-cart]

I’m absolutely dying for any information on Dave and Karkat in your gleestuck au. Im obsessed.

Okay so first of all I'm sorry sorry for this being so late- I've had to think real long and hard about what I wanted to add here.

Second, I'm so happy you guys are enjoying this as much as I do. It genuinely makes me so excited when I see y'all's tags and reblogs :')

Hmm I guess I'll start with how they met? Which would be in middle school when karkats family moved to town.

Almost immediately they Didn't like eachother, karkat didn't like Dave because of his "douchebag shades make me want to punch him". And Dave actually didn't mind karkat until he found out why karkat didn't like him, then it was, "Jesus what a prick, maybe I'll fuck with him later."

After that it sort of just began a whole "I can do better than you just watch." Sort of deal, UNTIL karkat started gleeclub in freshman year (when Jake started teaching) Dave basically saw that as karkat trying to one up him again but he legitimately could not join. Mostly because of his dad (bro) having just started being enemies with the glee teacher, and well because he knew he couldn't sing. "Touche vantas"

That being said, Dave had been playing the drums and the piano since before he had met karkat. He would always practice late in the band room when he'd have a particularly bad day, otherwise he'd wait til he was home to use his own.

Funny story actually, karkat (for the longest time) had a crush on dirk. Until he found out that dirk was interested in the schools paranormal obsessed dork. He only found out after accidentally hearing Dave rant to rose about it, afterwards he gave up on liking dirk completely (besides being friends).

Junior year, Karkat has just heard about dirk wanting to try out (due to johns antics) and went to look for him to ask to do a duo together. That's when he passed the band room and accidentally seen Dave just hammering on his drums. He then sort of snuck in, about to give Dave an earful about being in there without permission, when he actually listened to what Dave was playing and "woah isn't that one of the songs we were practicing earlier?"

Which Dave didn't hear obviously, but when he looked up and saw karkat you bet your ass it scared the shit out of him, falling out of his chair and on his ass with surprise.

That's when karkat just sort of blurts out that he should try out for glee, that they needed more people anyways and since his brother was joining he might as well too. Dave immediately shuts him down, making a joke about being too good for the club which pisses karkat off and gives him a new purpose at the school.

Getting Dave strider to join glee club.

Which proves to be a bigger hassle than he'd imagine because damn, striders are really fucking stubborn. But so was karkat, and eventually he had to settle with what they were best at doing. He called Dave out for being a Wuss, practically. Told him that he was admitting that karkat was better than him because he wouldn't join.

Dave being, well, Dave. Immediately jumped to being defensive, "fuck it! I'll join!" And boy did he, and boy did he like it, and boy was karkat getting cute? Oh shit.

I'll leave this here before it gets too much longer haha, but please! Feel free to ask me more, there's so much I can say on this au (there's so much for everyone please ask me about everyone pls pls)