#I might be autistic but like my parents won’t get me diagnosed for ADHD either even tho my therapist said I had it soo

[techiekittie]

I think I may have autism

I malfunction when my routine is interrupted

I get overwhelmed by pretty much everything

I have hyperfixations (short obsessions) that become special interests? (Less obsessive but long lasting)

I cry. A lot. Over nothing.

I can’t tell what people are feeling (my default assumption is anger!!)

I just told a guy that I loved tetanus while trying to make conversation (it’s so fucking cool like ppl think it comes from rusty nails but it’s a soil bacteria and soil is usually moist causing rust and it’s usually nails bc it goes deep into the skin so it gets infected while a shallow cut won’t as easily (emphasis on easily bc you can still get infected so be careful) bc it’s exposed to air and the bacteria can’t grow in the presence of oxygen!!! Anyways it used to be called lockjaw bc it affects your jaw first by contracting all your muscles, and it’s usually fatal when it makes your respiratory system contract and can’t relax to breathe properly so you die of not enough oxygen, pretty creepy but kinda cool!!!)

[lifmera]

Hallo, may I please get a platonic parent/sibling figure for Hazbin hotel matchups, if you allow platonic matchups? Thanks either way.

I am not quite certain on what to supposedly add so please excuse any unnecessary information.

Information : my name is Ron, a male, I am a diagnosed autistic with possibly ADHD (I did not get diagnosed with ADHD, I only suspect it), non-verbal, a Muslim from Palestine🇵🇸, Iraq🇮🇶 and Jordan🇯🇴, I am a repulsed Aromantic and Heterosexual Ace (like, little to no attraction), to me family is the most precious thing in the entire world (plot twist : getting beaten like 4 times a week by parents and older brother and insulted daily, yay).

Likes : I really have huge dreams, and I am proud of this :]. I want to be an author, an artist and an encyclopedic scientist. Which requires that I have to work hard. My favorite science subjects are : Zoology, botany, Marine biology, astronomy, biochemistry, Geology and war art. I like collecting and shiny things.

Hates : being physically weaker and shorter than the average boys my age, more than one people speaking at once, unnecessary complicated informations, being treated like a pet.

Relationship preference : someone that actually cares and allow to be cared of. like, when I do something that might harm me they warn me, no sugar coating.

Bye bye.

omg wait yes i will totally do one!!!

And dw i get it lol!! My parents are balkan- most people from where i live are spilt muslim & catholic!!

I’ve decided your platonic matchup is…….. ROSIE!!!

Cannibal mama!!

She is probably the biggest sweetheart to her kids!

She would LOVE to hear about your likes, and support you in it all!!! Shes like “THATS MY KID!!!”

She’ll make sure she can provide you with anything you need.

She won’t sugar coat things. She tries to understand, but she’ll tell you it straight. She doesn’t want you getting hurt.

I personally see rosie as someone who’s also into botany!!!

If you wanted, she’d even read your novels and tell you what to fix/correct!!

Although there aren’t really stars in hell, she’ll make sure you can still study astronomy and bring you to the human realm! only by her side though.

If you like Marine biology she’ll tell you to go to leviathans ring.

Probably has a collection of the stuff you collect, either frames it in her emporium, or has a wall full of it!!

Thankfully rosie knows how to listen, and she gives great advice.

~~~~~

thank you for requesting love!! So sorry i got to this so late :(

HOPE YOU ENJOY!

[agirldying]

I’m-

Really not doing good. Dark thoughts are back, both sh and si. I’ve reached out for help but I’m not getting any.

I’ve been in survival mode this entire year. My psychiatrist told me to get off my phone and take a walk, when I told her I’m in constant crisis mode, and therapy isn’t helping. My psych hung me out to dry and doesn’t seem to care, just prescribing. I’ve told her that I’m angry and nothings working, but she’s telling me to be patient, although I’ve been trying to find a working medicine for eight months.

I don’t know what to do. My therapist is stumped and I’ve honestly lost all hope. My mother is angry at me, she think I should go to school and “everybody has to do things they don’t want to, that’s just life” and “find some intrinsic motivation!” Dad says she’s struggling with her own stuff but it’s not an excuse that she’s such a nightmare to be around! Any time my stuff is brought up she always prefaces with “just because you’re diagnosed doesn’t mean your adhd can become an excuse” and “this is the anxiety talking, it’s not logical, get up and let’s go” and “not profound Autism, maybe Asperger’s, but you clearly don’t struggle like the severely autistic” and “now I think there are some really SEVERE forms of dissociation that you don’t fit, but maybe you do have dissociative traits”

She has a psych degree but it’s really old and she couldn’t recognize my entire childhood of mental illness but she’s just so annoying! She’s mad that I’ve quit going to school, and won’t hear that it’s not an option. She constantly guilt trips.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I reached out for help like I’m supposed to, I’m being honest abt my dark thoughts, and I’m being ignored! It’s been four months and honestly I’m just done at this point. I want to not be here anymore. I want to not deal with this.

Is there any way to be listened to? I don’t want to attempt but if that’ll get attention, I’ll either die or be taken seriously. That’s what happened last time I attempted, they took me seriously, but I really don’t want to use it as a weapon

Hey anon,

Firstly I want to say that I think your anger is justified. There a lot of things going on in your life right now to make you feel minimized in various ways.

As for tips on being listened to, I actually am gonna rip from Facebook's article on deradicalization. You might be saying, how the hell is that relevant? While the article talks about people affiliated with extremist groups, the tips it provides can be applied to addressing anyone who is biased. I'm also going to preface by saying that I don't know if you've tried the following approach already, but I thought to share it anyways in case not. I also understand if you simply don't have the emotional labor to try what I'm about to suggest.

Use the following tips when having a conversation about this with your loved one:

Avoid arguing and telling them they’re wrong

No one likes being told they’re wrong or feeling that their emotions are being dismissed. Focus on the common ground between you.

Avoid words like extremist, racist or radicalized [replace with whatever you feel the urge to call them], which could make them feel attacked.

Don’t reduce their identity to their involvement in a radicalized group [or side of the situation, in this case].

Listen, empathize and be patient

Find a time that is good for you both and try to avoid interruptions.

Focus on a two-way conversation and shared understanding.

Reassure them that your concern is genuine. Think about how best to express your love and support.

Think about the things extremism is giving them (for example, community or belonging) and think of healthier ways your friend can get those needs met.

Ask open-ended questions

Try to get them talking about how they’re feeling.

You may learn they are facing a different problem. Take the opportunity to support them with any struggle they are having.

While you may feel that people like your parents and health care professionals don't deserve your patience or civility, I think this approach would be the most effective to getting your points across. And while I think your anger is completely justified, it's not the most effective way to communicate, you know?

Before I go, I want to suggest that, if affordable, you should look into an alternative therapist and psych; their job is to be compassionate, so if they're not doing their job, you don't deserve their poor quality of care.

Hope I could help at least a little, I'm here if you want to update me on this or want to talk about anything else.

[brain-depositary]

Gonna actually be srs on main but between the autism/adhd thing, like… while there is a significant amount of people who have both, I do think people are seeing more than there is because both mask pretty extensively for different reasons (and in some cases different ways) and a lot of what people are saying is “the autistic experience” is a consequence of masking and social rejection.

For lack of a better term I’m going to say “social exhaustion” is that comes from pretending to be normal around others people, and the relief of not having to do that, is really common among a lot of people who have non-visible disabilities in general. Like even someone who is neurotypical who is hard of hearing is going to be expending extra effort to “be normal” in social situations, by needing to use extra brainpower to listen to words or lip-read and is going to still be punished either for making mistakes or their disability peeking through what those around them are interpreting as their “normalcy”. It’s like how there are people who want to make RSD specific to certain conditions when really it’s, well, it’s just an expected reaction to a pattern of rejection that’s very common for a lot of people with certain conditions.

Like idk it’s tiring to me when autism is boiled down to “communication difficulties” because there are so, so, so many reasons for “communication difficulties”. I really do struggle to interpret speech around me to the point that my parents thought I might have hearing issues as a child — I didn’t, but they did have me tested for this. I do have communication difficulties because of this, one because so much communication is literally words, two because when you’re struggling with words you’re having difficulty also interpreting body language, and three, because I have struggled for so long before getting any kind of accomodations, I’m going to be a bit delayed from my peers because of a literal lack of experience. So the fact that communication is so hard for me is going to make me “seem” autistic to some people — and even some of the strategies that autistic people use can also help me, like relying on text instead of oral communication — but other accomodations for autism won’t help me, and the accomodations I need won’t help someone with autism and none of the issues I have.

This isn’t about self-dx being bad or about more people being diagnosed with autism being bad or whatever but more like the presentation of things being similar but being for very different reasons in the end and it does seem to be in vogue for people to think that autism is the only kind of “different brain” out there and that ADHD is either a “lesser” type of autism and therefore accomodations for it should be absorbed into autistic ones or that, because autism is the only variety of “different brain”, an ADHD brain that doesn’t seem autistic enough is just a normal brain that’s more difficult to be annoying to others. I am 100% about people getting the accomodations they want and need but also am tired of people deciding how my brain works for me and deciding what I need based on that, and that goes for both NT and ND people at this point.

[angeltrapz]

SAW ask time 💚 wld love to hear abt chainshipping + Adam bein autistic— maybe like what Lar notices abt Adam’s stims, things he does for him/ways he helps when Adam needs it. Also for Eric/Adam, maybe any thoughts on Eric finally like.. realizing he’s got a special interest?? ik we’ve talked abt how hard he masks but bein around Adam (n Mallick) helps him relax abt that, so like maybe how does he react + what is th special interest? anything u wanna dish abt!

thank u it’s always SAW ask time in my heart <33

!!! I was just thinkin abt tht!!! our minds 💫

I think th first time he rly sees Adam stimming (i.e. flapping his hands) he’d be like “what’s that?” but not in a rude way - genuinely a tone of “I want 2 know more abt this thing, pls tell me” rather than anything anywhere near condescending/annoyed/mean-spirited like Adam has dealt w fr YEARS at this point. so he’s definitely put on edge a lil bit bc he can’t help it, maybe he starts to like wind down and force himself into quiet hands, but Lawrence is immediately like “no I wasn’t making fun of you!! u don’t have to stop doing it!” which kinda stops Adam short like. what r we doing here. usually when ppl ask me tht they’re also telling me 2 stop. finally Lawrence says “I was just wondering what kind of stim tht was,” like he didn’t almost (accidentally) uproot Adam’s whole shit + is currently Doing So Now by using actual terms tht Adam didn’t know he knew, n so he like takes a moment to absorb tht comment n then he’s like. “oh. it means I’m happy or excited?” and honestly? when Lawrence hears tht? he’s like “oh... so then you’re rly happy? 🥺” n it’s just like. a moment fr both of them lol. (Adam feels Much safer discussing things after tht too, in several ways. it definitely helps w building trust between them!!)

after that though Lawrence definitely takes notice of more things! he’s not afraid 2 ask questions, so tht’s smth tht’s rly good fr them - Lawrence being able to seek information (he also does his own reading + research) to better understand, n not in tht shitty mommy blogger “I know yr in there somewhere” way. he doesn’t want 2 change Adam. he wants a better grasp on wht Adam’s experiences r like so he can help n minimize stress abt certain things. fr Adam tht’s definitely like.. foreign territory, bc as u’ve mentioned b4 + my personal hc as well, his parents didn’t really care 2 get him formally diagnosed + even acted like there was No Way he cld be neurodivergent in any sense, so 2 have some1 who is interested n respectful is So important 2 him. (personal hc time: I hc Adam as both adhd AND autistic like me so there’s tht!!)

so like he takes notice of th way Adam likes 2 roll things btwn his fingers (shirt sleeves, shirt hems, hoodie drawstrings, blankets, soft fabrics he likes the texture of, etc.) n is just like Oh Idea. I like 2 think he gets Adam one of those bead lanyards (like this one, which I also have!) fr him to fidget w n he kind of presents it like “I thought maybe u wld like smth like this?” n honestly he’s a lil nervous abt what Adam is going 2 say. but Adam takes it n holds it fr a minute, rolling th beads n messing w th lanyard itself 2 kind of test it, n he just looks up n smiles n he’s like “I love this. u’ve been paying tht much attention??” n fr Lawrence it’s just like “yes? of course? bc I love u?” like it’s th simplest thing in th world n Adam’s just. Huh. no he does Not tear up, if Lawrence told u tht he’s lying. he’s just Rly not used 2 ppl who want 2 know more without wanting to “get inside his head” or belittle him fr it (ties into my hc tht fr th most part, Adam hasn’t rly had any Good friends...) so it takes a lil getting used to.

another thing!! Lawrence does is ask 2 listen 2 Adam infodump abt his special interests - esp photography!! like they do this thing where if it’s not too late at night by th time Lawrence comes home frm work, Lawrence will take a quick shower n then get into his pajamas n into bed (just fr some quiet quality time b4 they go to bed, bc he still tends 2 come home a bit late), n he’ll have Adam sit next 2 him n he’ll be like “what do u want to tell me?” bc tht’s another thing tht Adam was entirely unused 2 - having ppl who didn’t just tolerate his infodumping, they wanted to hear it. Lawrence might be th first person to not actually give him shit fr it/tell him he’s being annoying/shut him down completely. again, it takes Adam a lil bit to b fully comfortable w it, but once he is he adores having tht time to be excited abt things w another person! who he knows Wants to listen!! (if we’re going th route I personally like 2 think abt sometimes too, where Lawrence is autistic as well, I feel like they infodump back n forth abt photography n medical stuff. do either of them rly know what the other is saying? not rly. are they listening happily bc that’s their partner n it’s smth they’re excited abt? oh absolutely!)

I think Adam has a tendency to eat a lot of th same foods bc they’re safe n he knows he likes them/doesn’t mind their texture (which is a big issue w trying new foods fr him), which is smth tht Lawrence also takes note of and as such, he likes 2 make sure they’re regularly stocked up on at least some of tht stuff. it’s not even smth he tells Adam he’s doing, bc it’s rly tht simple 2 him - Adam likes these things n therefore we shld have them at th house - but fr Adam it’s just One Of Those Things, y’know?? he got so much shit as a kid fr being such a “picky eater” n got shit fr it as a teenager too bc “why don’t u ever try anything new??” was smth his friends/parents Loved 2 say. it’s th fact tht Lawrence rolls w it so easily, doesn’t poke or prod for reasons he eats th way he does, and doesn’t get upset w him fr it/try 2 force him into things he isn’t comfortable w. it means a lot to him, more than he’ll ever have words 2 say (but he does always kiss Lawrence’s cheek when he gets back frm th store n he sees some of his same foods, which is just as good). it’s loving tht he’s autistic because it’s a part of him, a fact, not despite or in spite of. tht’s what’s so nice n kind of healing abt it; feeling safe 2 express yrself as u are w a partner who u know u can trust. who maybe words questions a bit funny sometimes, completely unintentionally, not out of malice (where allistic Lawrence is concerned, anyway). Adam feels Safe, n tht means a lot 2 him.

as fr ways he helps him!! a big thing is tht Lawrence is observant, esp as they spend more n more time together. a lot of th time, even when it’s just th two of them alone, Adam might have trouble maintaining eye contact fr an extended period of time, n Lawrence might not know how much it Actually helps, but he doesn’t mind tht Adam doesn’t always look at his face when they’re talking. it’s smth tht takes a little getting used 2, but he was never shitty about it w Adam. the way he sees it is if it makes Adam more comfortable, why shld he get upset abt it? it’s not like he doesn’t know when Adam’s talking 2 him anyway, or tht he can’t tell if Adam is listening; Lawrence knows both of those things, so Adam not making eye contact isn’t a problem, y’know? it’s okay. n I rly don’t know if Lawrence is fully aware of how much Adam appreciates tht.

another thing is he’s patient + understanding when Adam is nonverbal, whether it be bc he’s having a shutdown/meltdown, sensory overload, or just plain Difficulty w speech. it kinda depends on what I’m writing at th time, but I feel like Adam might have picked up at least a lil bit of sign language here n there; mostly simple phrases tht get th point across. I like 2 think Lawrence learns what they mean so he can take tht stress off of Adam’s shoulders, but most times, Adam is just comfortable sitting in silence w someone he cares abt.

OH brief thing Lawrence is RLY good at helping w pressure stims. he gives amazing bear hugs n I feel like he’d also probably let Adam lay on him if they’re on th couch/in bed. I just Feel It.

-

OHH I think abt Eric finally developing a special interest now tht he feels more comfortable w doing so a lot. honestly I kind of rly like th idea tht his special interest might be info abt rats! it kind of hits him when he catches himself writing down lil facts (tht might not even be related to pet care!) in his notebook so he’ll remember them + always being excited 2 learn more n share what he’s learned. it makes Adam SO happy to see him being comfortable w tht aspect of himself, esp now that he’s safe to explore it w ppl who understand n who won’t discourage him/belittle him for it,, Mallick too of course, but Adam knows how much Eric struggled w tht kind of thing for such a long time so he’s just. Ah. 🥺🥺

like they’ll all b chilling on th couch (Eric, Mallick, n Adam) n Eric will have his head against Adam’s shoulder while his hand is on Mallick’s chest, who has HIS head in Eric’s lap w his legs dangling off th armrest, n he’ll be like “did u know tht when rats r happy, they grind their teeth together? it’s called bruxing n then sometimes their eyes move in their sockets rly fast while they’re doing it. tht’s called boggling.” n Adam will be smiling so wide when he says he didn’t know tht but it’s rly cool!! n then Mallick will start asking questions n he n Adam just listen while Eric infodumps fr probably th very first time since he was very very young, before it was masked out of him by his parents. n he finds tht he Doesn’t feel so bad abt it anymore, not when he’s around ppl who want him to be happy and want to see him be happy - esp ppl who encourage it n let him know it isn’t smth he has to hide/keep locked away. it’s hard 2 b ashamed of himself when Adam n Mallick r looking at him w genuine interest in their eyes n so so much love.

he might still like, slip back into masking behaviour every now n then, bc it’s something he’s still dealing w n learning 2 leave behind, but after he discovers his first special interest it gets a little easier, letting go of that way of life. it was smth he was forced into by adults who didn’t actually want th best for him like they said they did when they put him through “therapy,” but w partners he knows understand n who are even autistic themselves, Eric slowly learns 2 be more comfortable w it. it’s slow, but it’s progress. bit of a learning curve. he’ll get there.

[hellyeahtrickster]

It occurs to me that I have friends here that I don't have contact with in other spheres, so ... life update: my mother passed away unexpectedly last Friday. I'm doing as well as one would expect. Been going through her things as both a walk down memory lane and a goodbye. I keep coming across things she never got around to using, and it hits hard that now, she'll never have the chance. And I can't stop thinking of the stories we watched together that now she won't know the ending to, or shows I wanted to try with her. And then there's all the things we used to do together on the regular -- all the places I can never go with her to again. And all the places we wanted to go to "someday", but now she never will.

We were two weeks out from our second COVID shots, and 4 weeks from being totally vaccinated. We were finally going to get back to EPCOT, to see the Flower and Garden show. Finally going to get back to the Florida Mall. Going out to lunch. That I won't be doing this things with her anymore ... it's unfathomable. I can't wrap my head around it.

Thanks, anti-mask / anti-vaccine Covidiots, for prolonging the presence of this pandemic -- basically stealing the last year of my mother's life. She was anxious to see her elderly mother again, because we don't know how long *she* has left ... and now she never go to see her mother again. I knew losing my mom would happen someday, but my mother was relatively young yet, so I thought it would be a while ....

It doesn't help that she died after the second night on a new bed. See, she slept on her side all the time, what with the couch being narrow, but with a twin mattress, the bed was much wider. She snored a lot -- I highly suspect she had sleep apnea. When I found her the next morning, she was on her BACK. The doctor agreed that her cardiac arrest could have been caused by sleep apnea. In trying to make my mom more comfortable .... Yeah, I know, it's not my fault, but I cannot shake that thought away, that she's not here anymore because we tried to do something nice for her. How cruel the humour of the universe can be.

(I'd put the rest of this behind a cut, but I don't see that option anymore? Sorry!!)

And it REALLY doesn't help that, not only have I lost the person I was closest to, but now I am stuck alone with the person I least want to be with: my dad. I'm pretty liberal, and he's pretty conservative. We fight a LOT. We haven't really since mom died (things got a little tense here and there, but not like we usually are) ... but I know it won't last. It can't -- not when he believes BLM are terrorists, or that gays have an agenda. And now he keeps wanting to do things with me, like watch my shows, and a petulant part of me is like, no, this is mom's territory -- stay out. I don't want to do anything with him. (Especially since I know he'll start ranting once the shows start talking about racism and homophobia.)

My parents always had a volatile relationship. Mom didn't know you could get pregnant the first time, and when she found out she was pregnant, her Catholic family bullied her into marrying him.* And he cheated on her at LEAST once (with a girl who was only a few years older than me at the time -- I was 15, she was 19, he was 33). My mother was far from perfect, so I don't blame all the marital problems on him. But my point is they were married "in name only" for about the last 25 years, so it's ... offensive to me now that he would dare to act bereaved.

I know he can be hella manipulative, make himself seem generous so as to be loved, and then turn on you like a viper, getting irrationally angry. I can't drive, we live in a very rural area with no public trans, there are no friends or fam less than an hour away, I've had next to no job for the last 17 years, I barely feel like a functional human being (am coming to seriously suspect I have ADHD and Dyscalculia; I have diabetes and suspect have PCOS and a thyroid problem; all these things having strong interconnections; and I have no insurance, nor do I qualify for aid, thanks to living in Florida), and I feel utterly trapped. There's a reason Rapunzel is my fave princess. I've had bad experiences with cabs, so using Uber / Lyft kind of terrifies me. Plus, he'd want to know where I'm going, and likely either insist on coming too, or insist I can't go, because his house, his money, his rules. The ONLY time each year I get away is when I go to Dragon Con (and I'm worried he might forbid that in the future -- he has once before).

And then there's the problem of ... he has no one. As much as I can't stand him, he lost his job because of COVID, he's lost his wife, he has no real friends (total homebody), and like it or not, he has supported me financially for so long. Even if someone else were to take me in, or I can get a job and save to leave ... how can I leave him (a person with severe rheumatoid arthritis / in not-great health)? I owe him too damn much, and I feel like it would be entirely callous of me. Yes, I realise that that's the abuse talking, but ... it's also true?

Anyway, I feel like I'm on Sliders, and keep stepping into progressively worse timelines.

* Let me mention that I have long suspected my mother is -- was -- on the autism spectrum, but when I mentioned it to one of her sisters, the sister seemed skeptical, saying that if anything, mom had a penchant for reading out loud, so they thought maybe she had a reading disability, and took her to a specialist, but "that's it". (Mom was in "remedial" classes through high school, so it doesn't sound like they did enough -- and maybe couldn't because the science just wasn't there.) I explained that mom frequently seemed to have trouble grasping concepts, especially humour. Like when a radio ad featured someone reciting a love-letter to a tomato, she was all, "That's stupid -- tomatoes can't read!" Try as I might, I could not get her to understand that the love letter was a playful way to tell US about what makes the tomato so good.)

Anyway, when I talked to my grandmother recently, she said that my mom "always had a special way of looking at things," and that she guessed mom was "what do they call it -- neuro-something? 'Aspie'? High-functioning, but still." And I told my cousin about it, and he said, "Wait, I thought it was common knowledge in our family that your mom was autistic?" (Note: we have other, officially diagnosed family members who are on different areas of the spectrum.) People always commented when I was growing up that it was like my mom's role and mine was reversed -- like I was the parent, and she was the child.

But to think my family had *recognised* that something was up, and left me, a child, to deal with it on my own?? To think they *pressured* someone who was "special" into having a child?

I know my mom loved me, but my whole life, she said she wished I'd never been born, and so she'd never have married my dad -- I know both can be true, that she loved me but wished she'd never had me (she'd have never known what she was missing). She only survived her marriage because I was there; I've always felt she'd have had a better life if she hadn't married him. When she tried to leave him, her mother would not take her in, because divorce was against her mother's Catholic beliefs (never mind that my uncle divorced twice)

I loved my mother, but were fought a lot, and she frequently exasperated me as we struggled to communicate. She frequently left words out, but did not believe that she did; when we met her last PCP the first time, he looked at me and said, "Is she always like this, or is she having a stroke?" And she would always angrily proclaim that I wasn't listening, when most of the time, it's that I couldn't get her to understand that she was working from a misconception or misunderstanding in the first place, because she would focus on ONE THING, to the exclusion of all else.

An example of an exchange (copied from a letter I wrote to a friend): We got into a weird argument yesterday. She had asked me for pain reliever, a glass of tap water (you're supposed to drink a full glass of water with the pills), and a "cold water" from the fridge (it's too cold to drink it all at once, but we both prefer ice water in general). Later, I was picking stuff up from her table-tray, including a bottle of pain reliever, and put a bunch of stuff away. When I passed by again, she asked for more cold water. I happened to look as see that she had the tap water glass still full, even though she had asked tor it half an hour before. I asked if I needed to bring the pain pill bottle back, because she hadn't drunk the tap water yet -- had I taken the pill bottle too soon, or had she forgotten to drink the water? She was all, "no, I said I need COLD water!" I said I knew that, and I would bring it; I was just asking of she had taken her pills already, or if I needed to bring the pill bottle back too. Her (again): "I said I need COLD WATER!" Me: "I know, and I will bring that -- I just want to know why you haven't drunk the tap water yet? Did you take your pills?" Her: "No, I'll take them at bed!" Me: "So I should bring back the pill bottle? Did I put it away too early?" Her: "YOU DON'T LISTEN! I SAID I NEED COLD WATER!" Me: "And I said I will bring that -- I'm just asking if you also need your pain pills?" Her: "You already took the bottle!! Did you forget that already?"

And then I finally spotted the white pain pills on the napkin under the tap-water glass, so I knew that no, I didn't need to bring it. But it's a frequent struggle to figure out how to phrase questions so I get the answer I need -- nearly every time, I get her screaming at me that I don't listen.

She loved me, but she was never mothering. She hated to be touched, so never hugged me; I was pretty touch-starved. I learned to read because she was a very slow reader when reading me stories; I got impatient and learned to do it for myself. She couldn't help me with my homework. She resented having to take me to school recitals and science fairs. She wasn't someone I could get advice from. I admit I was often envious of characters who had physically-loving, compassionate, wise mother-figures (who weren't so binary about morality -- and so weren't always screaming that this or that character should die, no matter how small the transgression).

But I wish she were still here to frustrate me -- that's so much better than not having her at all. And I wish I had been better at keeping my temper.

She was an atheist, and firm in that belief. Maybe she's right, or maybe her firm belief is affecting me, because I would dream frequently about others I have loved and lost, and swear I feel them, but with her ... nothing. Just a gaping hole in the fabric of my waking life, threatening to suck all the light and hope into it.

[steponmepinkjun]

Sara I hope you dont mind me dropping this kind of ask, I just dont have anyone to talk abt this topic in particular and i have seen you open up about being neurodivergent multiple times.

All this time I believe that im neurotypical and always have to progress through life the way neurotypical people do, but from like 2 years ago i'm starting to question if i really am one bcs when I read about neurodivergency I slowly began to see myself in the description. How does one get um.. Diagnosed? I feel like theres sth abt myself that i havent figured out yet and I just want to know and love myself better.

Also forgive me for not being articulate enough, this is something im working out on.

Okay so I am obviously not a doctor or expert on neurodivergency, but I've gleaned a bit of knowledge from the nearly three decades I've spent being ND. So heres my advise.

First, I would begin with identifying why you'd like to seek an official diagnosis. Depending on what it is you're trying to diagnose, there are advantages and disadvantages.

Officially being diagnosed with ADHD gave me a sense of understanding I never had, gave a name to the symptoms that had been, quite honestly, ruining my life, and most importantly gave me access to the medication that completely turned my life around and made me a functioning human being. Even though I was diagnosed late in life (ie after school/developing years), I was still very lucky—my psychiatrist saw what the six previous ones I'd seen didn't. Before that, I was in treatment for depression and anxiety since age 11, had seen 13 therapists, and been on over 15 medications, to no avail. I'm lucky because a lot of obtaining a diagnosis for ADHD relies on self-reporting and reports from your parents—which is fucking stupid considering adhd is genetic, so my adhd parent probably isn't going to see my behavior as abnormal, IF they can even remember my behavior or payed attention to it. Despite those things, I was able to finally get diagnosed at age 22, and it changed my life. However, despite the fact that I suspected since I was a teenager that I might be on the autism spectrum (my brother, father, and several members of his family are), I made the conscious decision not to seek an official diagnosis. The medical community at large is incredibly ignorant and biased in regards to diagnosing autism in women, getting a diagnosis is ridiculously expensive, and unfortunately where I live an autism diagnosis can put you at significant disadvantage in the court system (it's often used as proof that an individual isn't mentally competent enough to do things like stand trial or be given sole custody of their own children, among other things). Plus, autism itself isn't treatable, so in my eyes I saw no benefit to getting a piece of paper telling me what I already knew. That's a personal choice that no one can judge another for—your reasons for seeking diagnosis are entirely valid whatever they are, and you owe an explanation to no one. I only wish to point out that not all diagnosis carry the same cost/benefit.

Getting a diagnosis can be a huge uphill battle, and it usually takes stamina and mental fortitude to get there. But everyone needs and deserves to have a community, a sense of understanding, and a support network, and wanting that alone is a more than valid reason to pursue a diagnosis.

So here's what I'd do. Get yourself in to see a psychiatrist (a therapist will do IF they have the training to diagnose, not all do), and do some research beforehand. Things as simple as googling "I think I might have/be (insert neurodivergent term here, for me this would be ADHD or autistic)" can give you some good starting points for what traits/symptoms are common. And as you're doing your research, take notes! If you see something jump out at you that you super relate to or that puts a feeling you've always had into words, write it down, copy the phrase, include things like how often you feel that way and what age you were when you began experiencing that. If there are ND behaviors that your immediate family share, that is very relevant, and actually gives a lot of context as to if something is a ND trait, trauma response, or shared personality quirk. Bring those notes with you to your appointment, reference them, and take notes of your own with the Dr's feedback. If you feel like you're being dismissed, tell them that, if you feel dissatisfied with their assessment, say so, and ask what your options are going forward. You probably won't walk away with a solid answer in just one day, but it's a good place to start.

It usually doesn't hurt to seek out community online, either, provided you take it all with a grain of salt—I've found that doctors tend to minimize symptoms, while peers online tend to maximize them. Ie, the way ND tiktok has become a slew of "do you breathe oxygen? Here's why that might be a sign you have adhd" type vids. Get second and third and fourth opinions before you take something to heart, you know?

And (even though this may go without saying), while I am no doctor, I have amassed more knowledge of my own disorders (as well as cptsd, ho lawdy its a fuckin doozy) than perhaps any one person should, so if you're at all in my vein or neurodivergency then please feel free to reach out to me directly, I'm always open to offering advise or a friendly ear or a sounding board for thoughts and ideas.

[devilrose-ar]

Introduction: What is autism and what does it mean?

I am DevilRoseSS and I have autism, but no one in my family (not even me) knew that I was autistic until I was diagnosed at 5 years old. My brother and sister are autistic as well and we each have our own pros and cons (along with struggles) that navigate us through our lives. But you’re probably wondering... what is autism?

Well, there’s one thing you need to know first before I tell you. Autism is neither an illness or a disease, it’s NOT something that you miraculously get one day and goes another. If you have it, you have it, that’s it. There is nothing you can do get rid of it, no matter how hard you try. But, what you can do is learn how to control it and use those positives to best effect.

Autism means that your brain works differently to someone who isn’t autistic. Things that normally wouldn’t be a bother to a non-autistic person, such as certain amount of noise and lights, would most likely bother someone who is autistic. Now, you might be thinking “How do I become autistic in the first place?” Well, your born with it but the symptoms are usually first noticed around the age of 3 when children begin to interact with others more.

Autism isn’t the only thing that people with it are called. Some people call it ASD, Autism Spectrum Disorder and other people will call it Asperger’s.

There are two different levels of autism, there are verbal autistics, which means that they can talk in order to communicate (although often miss the nuances of communication), and there are non-verbal autistics, who can’t talk or have difficulty talking and use signing in order to communicate. Some autistic people are what’s called Selectively Mute which means they can talk but they only like to say certain words or will only talk in particular situations or to specific people.

Autism altogether as a whole is a spectrum. This means that every autistic person is different from another. For example, I’ve always liked Toy Story, I love the idea of toys coming to life when you’re not in their field of vision. My brother however finds the idea of toys having minds of their own weird and a bit scary, so he is not a fan. Another example of autistic people being different from each other is that some will have difficulty with certain things like using a washing machine or doing their own hair so they need extra support for those type of things from either a parent or a carer.

Being autistic doesn’t mean that you won’t have a fulfilling life, every autistic person will have things that they are good at and things that they are not so good at. Being on the autistic spectrum doesn’t mean that you won’t be able to make friends or have a proper relationship with someone or even get a job. It just means that you need extra help than anyone else would in order to achieve things like that.

At this point, your probably asking yourself “What causes autism?” The answer is that at this point in time, no one really knows the cause or whether it has a cause at all. All we know is that it can be passed down to someone by someone else in their family. Autism is not caused by anything like an infection that spreads to other people or vaccines.

Many autistic people suffer from other conditions like ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), my sister’s autism causes her to have this specific disorder, and any type of anxiety. Because I’m autistic, I am a sufferer from social anxiety which means that I’m afraid of people (strangers specifically). I’m not a fan of the thought of having to talk to someone you’ve never met before or being in a large crowd of strangers with no one familiar to me or anyone who is aware of my needs by my side.

Autism in general for the last few decades has been on a journey of learning about what it is and what we can do in order to cope with it. Society has began to appreciate what makes autistic people unique and the creativity they bring. That said people in general still have difficulty fully understanding it. Some people don’t understand that autism isn’t something you’ll one day overcome, like when you’re unwell or have the flu. They’ll take things about it the wrong way entirely and begin to do all the wrong things. This causes situations to become more difficult to cope with (than it would be if they actually listened to someone who understands autism).

The fact that there are people out in the world that are so thick that they don’t understand autism at all really makes me angry and upset because by not understanding it they’re missing out on all the wonderful things about it.

This is what this blog is for. It’s to help people who have recently had autism enter their lives and to help them understand it better. I hope that my experiences will help others navigate their autism better using hints and tips. While also educating the neuroticals (everyone who doesn’t have autism) thus providing the tools they may need to support their friend with autism.

I am DevilRoseSS and I hope this has given you an insight on what autism is and what the word means. I am a girl with autism #girlpower.

[matildaisautisticandproud]

April 8th - 30 Days of Autism Acceptance

April 8: What are some misconceptions/stereotypes about autism that you hate?

1. People with autism don’t want friends. Albeit this might be true to some, this isn’t true to all. Most autistics, I’ve found, want to have more friends, but either don’t know how to go about befriending people and/or people don’t want to spend time with them. Personally, for years, I always longed to have a friend who got me and that I could be open with. (I struggled to actually be myself around people my whole life and still do.) My roommate, Missy, is that friend now, but you don’t know how lonely it is going through grade school without a best friend.

Lots of other girls had besties and many of my friends had friends that they shared their most darkest secrets with; they were super close to each other. Since I didn’t know how to go about forming that connection and I am generally a reserved person, I never had that friend and it was painful. I wanted a best friend, but I didn’t know how to establish a strong connection, maintain it, and most people thought I was “weird” and didn’t really want to be my friend.

I don’t mean to throw my own pity party by saying this, but I was the person who others would one day make me feel on top of the world by including me, but then, would distance themselves once they were done with me and make me feel terrible. This constant cycle of inclusion and exclusion, interest and disinterest, was really damaging to younger me. It frustrated me and made me think the reason I couldn’t have a close, good friend was because there was something wrong with me. (There’s never something wrong with you (unless you’re a murderer or that of the like). It’s society who is in the wrong for tossing aside such a beautiful human being.)

2. People with autism can’t feel or express emotion. This statement is 100% false. By saying this, people are invalidating the emotions of autistics, which is never okay. It is true that many on the spectrum have the inability to recognize their own emotions and/or don’t express their emotions as “normal” people do, but we still have feelings. Just recently, I have gotten better at identifying what I’m feeling, but I’m still not adroit with it. Also, I think that I feel a lot more deeply that those not on the spectrum, as do many autistics. Because I don’t really express my emotions, I’ve had people say that I seem “emotionless” and “robotic” all throughout my life. I never did and still don’t think much of it; it’s just how I am.

I get scared, sad, furious, elated, and more. Just because I don’t express my emotions in a way you can understand doesn’t mean I don’t have them. My body language is just different. (Also, I’ve learned to internalize all my emotions and grievances so, no body really knows what’s going on in my head.)

3. All autistics are just like [insert name here]. As I’ve stated numerous times before, the nature of ASD is that no two manifestations of it are exactly the same. Two autistic people may share similar experiences and struggles, but autism still affects them at least slightly differently.

4. Autistics can’t understand the emotions of others and are apathetic. Many autistics actually experience “too” much empathy. Some are apathetic, but as are some people who aren’t on the spectrum. Everyone is susceptible to being apathetic.

5. An autistic person has only struggles; they’re just their autism. Yes, autism is a key part of every autistic’s life, but it is not the only aspect of who we are. I think people should focus more on what a child can do than what they can’t, overall. Sure, Mark may not be able to handle going to the mall due to overstimulation, but he is especially skilled in painting. People should focus less on faults and flaws. Just focusing on such things will make life drab and miserable; plus, people as a whole are more than just their struggles.

6. People can grow out of autism, and it is only present in children. I, along with many others, are proof that this is false. I dislike how the struggles of adults (with and without autism, ADHD, and other disorders) are ignored in society. Not all problems go away with adulthood; it isn’t some cure all.

7. “There wasn’t all this autism/ADHD/etc. stuff back in my day so, it can’t be real.” These disorders are very much real. Perhaps the numbers have been increasing, but maybe there has just been a decrease in ignorance and an increase in compassion and acceptance. Also, diagnosing has gotten much easier, and since there is more knowledge available (i.e. the Internet) than ever before, people can self-screen and then determine whether or not to be tested. The only reason I am diagnosed is because I took the time to research different disorders via the Internet and decided to get professionally evaluated.

8. “Autism is caused by one thing.” Whether this “thing” be vaccines, a gene mutation, bad parenting, trauma, etc., this statement has been proven false by science. When studying the cause of autism, scientists have found that in one person, one gene could be the contributor to the person’s autism while in another, it’s a combination of several genes. The cause is unknown, but bad parenting has been debunked. However, there is evidence to suggest that the presence of heavy metals within a person’s system may be a possible cause. (Numerous children with autism have been found to have high levels of heavy metals within their body.)

As for the vaccine statement, it is unknown whether or not they do or don’t cause autism. There was a study carried out with the goal of proving or disproving the claim, but since the data was skewed, the results are invalid. I don’t necessarily support the claim, but there is not enough evidence for either side of the argument for me to take a side. I am a neutral in this debate. Though, I don’t believe that one should risk the death of their child just because they’d rather not have an autistic child. We’re not that bad; several parents love having an autistic child.

9. Autism only affects the brain. Again, I and many others are living proof that this claim is false. Many people with autism have co-occurring conditions like allergies, food sensitivities, gastrointestinal disorders, and epilepsy. Personally, I have numerous food sensitivities and gastrointestinal issues. I haven’t gotten a name as to what is wrong with my digestive system, but I do know there is a problem given what I experience on a daily basis.

10. All autistics are intellectually disabled. All statements that start with “all autistics” are automatically false. Even if the claim doesn’t pertain to autism itself (i.e. a political belief), autistics, like other people, have their own sets of beliefs and their own lifestyles. We’re human just like you; all that’s different is how our brains are wired and the struggles we endure.

To combat this claim, many autistics have a normal to high IQ level and can excel in school. There are those who have lower IQs, but they still can excel. One’s potential to be great isn’t dictated by IQ or a disability (or an ability and/or advantage for that matter).

11. Autistic people are great at STEM (Science Technology Engineering Math) classes. No. Although I especially excel with math and loved Algebra and Calculus, not everyone does. Some of us are great when it comes to STEM courses, but others of us struggle. Not all of us are even remotely interested in STEM, as well. Some of us prefer the arts, labor-intensive activities (i.e. construction), et cetera. We all have our different strong suits.

12. All autistics are savants. Some are, some aren’t. Although we all have special interests, most aren’t savants, actually. I don’t know where I fall when it comes to being a savant or not, but I’m not some super-genius. I didn’t invent some new scientific thing when I was 12 nor did I make a groundbreaking discovery. I do want to do something great with my future career, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be worthy of stardom and fame or be labeled as a savant.

The one thing I dislike is how people dismiss the existence of savants because they hate the stereotype. Autistic savants do exist, as do non-autistic savants, and saying that they don’t is harmful. Stereotypes come from somewhere, right? Savants exist and they deserve representation and appreciation too.

13. Autistic people don’t have relationships and moments of intimacy. Yes, they do. I personally don’t want a relationship right now nor do I want to engage in such intimate acts, but others do.

14. Autism kills marriages. This myth was made widespread by the infamous organization Autism $peaks. Sure, it may end some marriages, but why marry someone who is autistic then? If you truly loved the person then, you would accept them, autism and all.

15. Nonverbal autistics are all intellectually disabled. Although some are, not all are. A handful are highly intelligent. Autism isn’t a one size fits all thing.

16. Autistic people can’t do anything on their own/will never be independent. Some autistics won’t be able to be independent, but not all. Others don’t need any support while some, like me, need minimal support. People with all sorts of aid requirements exist on the autism spectrum. Each of us needs differing levels of support; also, especially so if one also has a chronic illness, some days I will be able to be completely independent, but the next day I may need lots of external support.

17. Having an autistic child is a tragedy. Yes, autism does make things more challenging, but there’s a silver lining in it. Like every other child, autistics are capable of great things and have talents. If people would just look past the struggles, label, and faults then, they’ll see an amazing person who isn’t just a diagnosis, but a fully fledged human being.

18. Autistic people are just rude. On honesty, we are not trying to be rude when saying the truth. In our brains, it is something that is acceptable to say. Many of us thrive on being honest as our brains tend to rely on logic more than anything else. By pointing out the size of your nose, we’re not trying to be rude. Personally, I don’t really struggle with being too honest, but sometimes I do say things aloud that shouldn’t be said. I just think of it as uttering an observation; I have no rude intents. When I am trying to be rude, you will know XD.

On conversational difficulties, it’s not that we don’t want to talk to you, it’s that we don’t know how to continue and/or initiate conversations. Not all autistics struggle a lot when it comes to social communication, but some do. Those who do, we just don’t know how to go about conversing “as normal”. We can’t help it. We’re not being rude. I struggle to continue and start conversations, which has led to many people thinking that I don’t like them. If you want to have a proper, lengthy conversation with me then, you have to start it and be able to keep it going.

On eye contact, we don’t mean to seem rude by not looking you in the eye when talking. For me, maintaining eye contact is distracting, which means that my focus is being directed away from what you’re saying, making me not able to adequately listen to you. Some autistics have little to no problems with eye contact.

19. “You don’t have to stim. Therefore, you’re just doing it to annoy me.” For me, it takes a lot of courage for me to feel comfortable with stimming around you. So, by ridiculing me for doing something that soothes me, you’re furthering my insecurity about it and hurting me. People who stim do it to self-soothe and to regulate themselves. Would you rather I shutdown (go nonverbal), experience sensory overload, or even have a meltdown? I don’t think so. Let people stim. Some of us don’t stim, but it is a lifeline for some of us.

20. “You don’t look autistic.” Well, riddle me this: What does autism look like to you? Apparently, we have completely different views on what an autistic person looks like. For me, an autistic person is anyone (a friend, neighbor, family member, student, teacher etc.) from any walk of life of any religion, lifestyle, culture, etc. The “autism look” is the generic person to me. Is there a specific way we should look, though? Please tell me more about your vision of how an autistic person outwardly appears.

I could go on about this subject for hours, but I’ll stop myself here. If you want me to debunk more myths and/or react to certain common sayings/stereotypes then, please leave a message in my ask box. I really, really, really! want to write more about this topic.

[my-autistic-things]

Autism test anon here. I am an adult, but I'm pretty estranged from my parents and grandparents (who raised me more than my parents did). I've heard of several adults who didn't involve their parents and were diagnosed but will this affect it in any way? The most I could do is get my dad to call or email (but he works a lot and is super neglectful and in another time zone so that's a soft maybe) Thank you for answering BTW it's made me much more at ease (other than the parents part lol)

I'm glad I could help! I wouldn't stress too much about the parents part. For minors, namely children/young teens, parent reports are probably more essential because the kid can't report their own behaviors as accurately (or even know what's going on to be asked questions, if they are that young). Also they have less years being autistic to draw memories from. For me, all my mom (aka a person who was present during my childhood, so it could be an aunt/grandma/best friend's mom even probably) had to do was the online survey thing I mentioned. I did have the option to not include her at all after I asked about how the test would look and if the word "autism" was going to show up anywhere. I wasn't sure how accepting she would be, just for me to go out and seek a diagnosis, so I didn't want to spook her. If your psychiatrist does the same thing as mine did, your dad could do the survey thing pretty easily (theoretically). My mom had like....2 weeks to do it? Probably longer if she really procrastinated. The two week "deadline" was just from my initial appointment with the doctor when she emailed the link to my mom until the appointment where I did the eval. The psychiatrist was fairly open to me not involving her at all, though. The point is to get as accurate as a background to your childhood as possible, because let's be honest, nobody can remember how they actually were growing up. Also it shows from a different perspective how long certain symptoms were present and if you're blowing things out of proportion or you do have issues socially. The main thing that comes to mind is people saying "omg I don't wanna do my homework I'm so ADHD" or "ugh I can't flirt I'm so autistic" like first off, buddy-pal, your wrong, stop it, ew shut up, but also people do think of themselves as more socially awkward (and also all negative things) as more severe then they actually tend to be perceived as. So having someone else say "yup this person says slightly off things by neurotypical standards" is just like a verification thing. Also you could be lying, which doctors sometimes like to think....🙄. (Also, some traumatic brain injuries result in behaviors/symptoms/changes that actually look very similar to autism; if you had symptoms since birth/a very young age, then it's probably autism, if it's only after, say, you were in a car accident, hmmm maybe not autism). If you can identify yourself as having clear examples and situations from stories like "my mom/dad always used to make fun of me for lining up all my toys by color and size and that was my version of "playing" with them haha" or "yeah, I always needed to be tucked in super tight at night ever since I was a baby otherwise I would cry" stuff like that, then that should be acceptable.

When you give answers to questions, try to think of examples when you were little (either that you remember or that your parents have told you about) around ages 2-7 ish, during your teen years, and also recently as an adult. One example could be: as a kid I hated playing with other kids because my play scene didn't match with theirs and I only wanted to do mine, as a teen I hated group work because we never could agree on the same topic/way of doing things, and now I hate working with coworkers for the same reason" something kinda like that. Might be a tad overkill and you might not be able to even answer fully without being cut off like "hey yeah that's enough info I don't need all that *awkward laugh*" but it really doesn't hurt to be overprepared. This is where writing down some notes and bringing it would be really helpful, or asking to write a follow up email after asking friends/family who knew you growing up. Also, if your dad was neglectful (very sorry to hear about that btw) he might not even know you well enough to report behaviors anyways, so that's something to mention if the psychiatrist needs more reasoning then "he won't respond".

If you really want to overprepare, you can compare different disorders that can present similarly like ADHD, OCD, social anxiety, BPD, etc. and prepare examples according to the ASD criteria that couldn't be examples by a different disorder. Like a lot of my examples I gave mapped pretty well onto only social anxiety and OCD with my previous ADHD dx, so I made sure to discuss the sorta "root" of my social anxiety being how I have difficulties understanding people's intentions and meanings behind their words (rather than mainly talking about how I worry others perceive me).

Now that this has turned into another really long ramble, I'll stop now lol

[actuallyschizoid]

Do any of you guys experience concerningly low empathy? How about limited emotional range, like a spectrum? What about sensory process meltdowns, similar to autists? Do you feel almost no emotion until hit with intensity? How about falling inlove and a best friend? Any previous ddx of anxiety or depression or adhd? Ever made stock friends for the sake of benefits? Rather One night stand than relationships or is it all to disinteresting? Any comorbid SzPD and APD out there? How did you get diagnosed? Views on religion? Im sorry for asking alot, recent ddx and idk what this means for me, never met the average schizoid to paint the picture. Some of these questions have to do with relatability to my symptoms, I guess.

Thanks for submission! Interesting questions. For me personally:

Empathy. In fact, it gets better over time. At least cognitive empathy - which is pretty much psychoanalysis on the go, i.e. taking into account what you know about each person and trying to extrapolate what would they feel, how would they react based on those feels, etc. It isn’t really connected to being able to understand their feelings on your own experience, and way more dependent on one’s knowledge of human psychology, experience observing people and just general live experience. It can be trained for anyone with some effort, but for those who lacks natural emotional empathy it generally gets better just due to having a constant reason to practice it. 

As for emotional and other kinds of empathy... eh, mine’s pretty much limited to laughing along when someone’s laughing their ass off. Yeah, tiny bit of mirroring is all I get, it’s pretty useless. Though, I must say, I do get easier time to relate to feels of other schizoids, autistic people and pretty much anyone who struggles relating to average kind of people.

Emotions. Now that I’m 32, it’s probably not as limited as when I was in my 15-to-25 years, but less of a mess than it was before 15. Still those are pretty... uh, alternative emotions. I still don’t often get the “correct” one triggered on same triggers as most people. My natural tendency is to rationalize stuff, analyze it from system POV instead of getting sad and emotional. 

Like, yesterday there was a plain crush, the whole local internet was buzzing about how terrible it was. I can’t say that was exactly what felt, but instead we were casually discussing the technical nuances of it with a fellow schizoid. Like what effects this kind of event might have had on this or that system, how it might have been made better, what mistakes happened there and what were the means to prevent some of those deaths. I.e more from a system design point of view, where people are just numbers in statistic rather than dead kids who won’t have live, sad parents, etc etc. 

I mean, all that’s sad and all, I get it, but there’s nothing I can do to be sad about it. To me it’s no different from knowing the fact that every day on roads in my country horribly dies about the same amount of people and no one gives a single flying fuck about it. But then same people die in a plain crush and it’s a nation-wide tragedy for some reason. To be honest, if I try to dig into actual emotions I feel about stuff like that, I can find out this kind of feels look rather... wrong to me. I know people can’t help but to feel whatever way they do, and there’s no such thing as “wrong emotions”, I definitely won’t be the one to judge them. But from my POV, it’s really hard to understand this negative hype around it.

Meltdowns. Not sure I ever had an actual meltdown, perhaps as a kid. But I might not even get the idea of what it is well enough. Heavy sensory stimulation actually causes me lots of discomfort. Like, neighbors drilling their walls almost on daily basis is an utter nightmare for me. I still stick my fingers into ears like a kid, yeah. And then try to poke at my macbook’s touchpad with whatever I get left - elbows, tongue, toes... To find at least some distraction from the noise. Eh. Not sure what’d happen if I wasn’t protecting myself from this kind of stuff, tbh, I never neglected this kind of safety measures to find out if I’d be able to handle it.

About no emotions until being hit. Hmm, maybe, not sure. To me it’s more often just no emotions from one specific trigger until.. well, until the trigger is gone lol. It just never occurs if it’s not there, yet when it’s there - it’s there. 

Being in love and having best friends. Never was in love. Seriously, I doubt I’m capable of it. And not sure the best friend thing relates to me either. I had some friends, but never the kind of friends whom I could entrust much about myself. Like, the schizoid person I still consider best friend doesn’t even know I have this blog lol. Or that I write a book, for example. I feel uncomfortable with the fact that people who knows me would also know... well, me. Knowing some part of my life is ok, but no way someone would have access to everything. And the better I know people, the less I feel like sharing. Yet I have absolute no issue with writing this kind of personal stuff anonymously and hundreds of people potentionally reading it.

Previous diagnosis. At early childhood I was suspected to have autism, actually. Or, well, it was long time ago so it was more of a “some development malfunction” diagnosis. I started speaking way too late, but by the time I was able to hack into this speech thing, I already was rather fluent at it, could understand more than my peers, etc. Same happened with reading. And from then on any language, be it human or programming, I can pretty much grab and use, if I want. I can turn in some youtube video on whatever language I’ve no idea about, turn in automatically generated subtitles translated to English and understand most of it, and after few hours getting the basic structure and matching a few common words with their meaning by ear. It might be related to that “could’ve had autism”, but not sure, it’s still not something I explored much with professionals as adult. And yeah, ADHD in some of its (subtile and inactive) forms could be the case too.

Stock friends. Eh, probably? I mean, some kids used to stuck on me now and then in school or college. I didn’t care much, but I tolerated them as long as they weren’t too annoying at least for the sake of dragging at least tiny bit less attention to my own weirdness. It felt like a safer option, yet most time I still have spent alone. 

Relationships and one night stands. Well, I’m aro ace agender, so... Actual romantic relationships were always out of question for me, tbh. Never tried, never feel like trying in the future. Had somewhat of an experimental semi-relationship with a friend, but it wasn’t romantic much and never was intended as long-lasting (at least, not on my part). We’re still friends, by the way, there was no “break-up” (coz there wasn’t much to break in first place). 

As for one-night-stands thing - yeah, that’s pretty useless for me either. Not that I’d had anything against it, were I in need to have sex. Perhaps, if I had that need, it would be the way to go for me. But since nothing really drives me for this shit, I’m fine without it.

Religion. Atheist down to the bone marrow. There was never really a dilemma for me, I knew it’s all utter BS the moment I’ve heard what the fuck is the fuss about this “God” thing people are talking about. Mind you, my mother is kinda religious (not in actual practice way, but she sees no logical issue with the idea of religion, that’s for sure). But she never dared to bring me to church for that orthodox christian initiation practice, what’s it called? Probably was afraid I’d yap about what idiots they are to believe it right in the middle of being shoved in a bucket of “holy” water lol.

Ok, that’s about it. :) And what about y’all? Feel free to add, I’ll reblog.

[oversensitiveandoffputting]

Okay, so,

I’m really worried that by publishing this I’m doing something irresponsible because there’s a lot of people in general who need serious mental health help and I don’t want people to become cynical or anything buuuuuuuuuut I’m just so frustrated because it’s like, near impossible to find a therapist that’s respectful of me. Almost all therapists are white, straight/cis, have some kind of conventional religious belief, and if they got something diagnosable, they sure as shit won’t let you know.

So my therapy journey began when my parents divorced and it was court-mandated. I went to, like, six different therapists with my sister and didn’t say a fucking word because I was intimidated into not getting treatment by my parents. It was messed up. Ironically, my mother’s a psychologist and I was raised in an environment that praised mental health treatment. don’t know. You don’t want to know my childhood. We’d be here for weeks.

And most therapists WANT to do well. They didn’t spend all that time and money for no reason. And they met me and made me feel welcome and we talked and I knew they were trying their best, they really were, but there was always that THING that kept me from getting what I needed. WANTing to do well and DOING well are two different things.

I’m AFAB. Despite most therapists being women, they don’t seem to know women very well. (Or, those of us who let them think of us as women until we finally correct them.)

And I guess I’m always the second queer person they meet? I say second because they need that first person to compare me to and decide I measure up short. I’ve had therapists tell me to stay in the closet because my life would be better. I have a same-sex fiancé. I’m not fucking shitting you. In 2019 I was told to stay in the closet. I should have known after she told me about all the gay friends she had she was a raging homophobe.

So after I’m done rolling my eyes and being way too patient about paying someone to ask very rude questions about my sexual awakening and how I found myself being genderqueer and how much of an ally they are before they reveal to me they haven’t done any research into queer theory into anything past 1980, then we get to the neurodiversity issues.

I can forgive people being insensitive about me being queer. It’s annoying but I’ve dealt with it enough that I can leave, laugh about it with people, and let it go as ignorance does not equal malice. But then I never meet the criteria to get the help I SPECIFICALLY ASK FOR because I’m not a difficult enough patient. I’m nice, I tell them everything they want to know without hesitating, minimal tears, and so I can’t be autistic. I can’t be ADHD. I can’t have BPD. I can’t have PTSD. We don’t focus on labels here. We just focus on trauma. And it’s even worse when they find out I’m a psych student, since then they tell me I’m a hypochondriac and to knock it off.

And I’m practically SCREAMING “I’ve done this. I’ve done this over and over. I don’t need an eighth retread over how my mother’s abuse left me with major abandonment issues. I know this. Just please help me not burn every bridge I have (BPD). Or how I can feel safer in the workplace while being ADHD/autistic since discrimination is very real. Or how I can stop focusing so much on my trauma and using it to define me as a person (PTSD). But I never get that. We never get there. They just keep talking over me because I’m traumatized and I’m like “Thank you. Can we move on now?” “No. Tell me more about how your dad was blaming you for acting out while your mother was driving you up the wall with behavior so fucked up people have cried after you told them?”

The fact I’m not a difficult enough patient to demand to be treated better is probably a trauma response to years of feeling unsafe and unheard, which you’d think they’d figure out. Being a therapist.

And I’m so frustrated because when someone is saddled with all kinds of trauma and problems and exhaustion from these issues should not have to go through all this effort to find out who is in their network for their individual problems, go to several appointments they either are paying for out-of-pocket or are being charged to their insurance and, if they have really good insurance, will be free, only to find out women can’t have autism because they don’t meet the checklist in the DSM for white male children (I’m being facetious, of course women can be autistic), they’re not queer enough, and holy shit I’m white so I can’t even imagine what POC must go through with some of these idiots.

And now I’m worried because I’m trying. I have EIGHT diagnoses and I’m trying and trying and trying and I can afford to leave therapists that make me uncomfortable and find a new one and I’m a psych student and raised in an environment where I understand the jargon so it’s a lot harder to pull the wool over my eyes and I’m fueled by literal spite towards everything and everyone, especially myself, so I will drag my exhausted, emotional ass to whatever therapist I found this week that I think won’t emotionally slap me in the face to keep trying to not let this get the better of me and FUCK I’m still not satisfied.

So...why are we telling everyone who has mental health issues to go seek therapy when it might just make the problem worse because god forbid they say “I’m gay” and the therapist says, “That’s nice, but maybe you shouldn’t tell people that because it’s such personal information” and they don’t immediately see right through it, fire her, and find someone else?

I don’t have a solution. If you have a therapist that works for you, I’m so, so happy. If you’re still looking, Same. And don’t feel bad, I guess. I’d even go as far as to try unconventional methods. Getting on medication and getting a dog have done WONDERS for my mental health. Go into a session GRILLING them about their competency with your issues and if you’re not comfortable, never go back. But JESUS therapists have to get continuing education to keep their license for a reason. Can a couple of those classes be “How to not spit in the face of your queer clients?” And “neurodiversity- not a plague and not just for boys.’ Please??? As well as I’m sure a shit ton of other cultural competency classes I’m positive are needed? Please? This is ridiculous. This is fucking ridiculous. This could be a Family Guy episode if so many lives weren’t at stake.

[maximuswolf]

How to get support when the answer is No? via /r/ADHD

How to get support when the answer is No?

Not sure if this is something I need advice with or just a rant so feel free to treat it as either really...

TL;dr - I do most of the chores in my relationship and want a more even division to help me cope and improve my behaviours. My partner flatly refuses to do so.

Basically I got diagnosed late last year at nearly 32 and have been taking methylphenidate ever since. Unfortunately that's all I'll get off the NHS here in the UK so I'm on my own with everything else, now that I've been discharged back to my GP.

The biggest problem I have with ADHD and the reason I got tested, is that it causes conflict in my relationship with my partner. I was hoping diagnosis would help change this but it hasn't.

The most common conflicts are around division of labour and time. Now I know what most people will think is going on here, but it's actually the opposite - I do almost everything.

My partner can't drive so I do all the food shopping, which also means doing all the planning. I suck at that so try to get her to help, but she complains she can't make a weekly meal plan last minute (because I don't think of doing that til I'm about to leave) so I end up planning and forgetting critical things we need, doing the shopping which takes longer than it should even though I have a list based on path through the store and then coming home and putting everything away on my own because she just doesn't help. Then there will be inevitable arguments throughout the week because I forgot an item she needs to make lunch or I only bought things for meals I like or I didn't get her a nice snack or I did and forgot she's trying to lose weight etc.

I also do most of the cooking, most of the washing up and kitchen cleaning, laundry, bins and feeding the cats. She does help out sometimes, but it tends to be only for short periods of time and often we end up fighting and that kills that off. She'll maybe do one dinner a week, or two at most but sometimes none at all. She'll also occasionally do the dishes or put a wash on, but I usually end up putting the plates away, hanging her stuff up to dry etc.

Obviously though, the ADHD means I often make a mess trying to deal with a mess, so my efforts often just make everything worse which is a big source of the conflict.

I also constantly feel like I don't have any free time to do my own things to help me destress and obviously the ADHD means that when I do get time to paint or write or do something I enjoy, I often just can't because I'm out of mental energy or I've got too many ideas and can't settle on one (that hurts me so much, not having time to do the projects I want.) I am finding it easier to make myself do some creative things with the medication, but I still feel my partner's hobbies get priority and that she has a very inconsiderate grip on them and the time she takes to do them.

It's hard to explain how bad this has got, but I've lost count of the times we've split up over it, then had a big chat days later and agreed to changes that never seem to stick. We barely have any intimacy in our relationship anymore and nearly zero sex life, with her saying she can't be attracted to someone who is so unreliable, argues with her so much and makes so much mess.

Now I can definitely take accountability for some shit here. I do create mess like a tornado hitting a room, I do struggle to notice the mess, I do struggle to finish a task (I'm sat next to the clean laundry I still haven't taken upstairs from Saturday) and I do respond VERY badly to being scolded, nagged, yelled at - pick your definition. But at the same time I feel am trying to make changes and improve and I feel I have done so since we first got together and she was doing the bulk of the cooking and tidying.

And that brings me onto the issue right now. Basically I want to organise the chores better - ideally I'd like to have a rota with tasks for each of us on set days to keep on top of little things, then do a big clean early one weekend day, with cooking split like two days me, two days her, three days together - that way we both get two nights off and share the work. I've also thought of doing just a House Day on a Sunday where we take a longer time to do all the cleaning, laundry, plan and do a food shop etc as we both often are tired and stressed from work in the week. I want to try this as I know that setting up good habits is key for me to progress with my issues, but the key element is an equal division of labour or at least for her to do more than she currently does so I can have more free time. Like I know that if we both do the kitchen cleaning together it will take about an hour from total mess to clean, whereas when I do it alone it'll take the whole day and still not be totally finished and clean. Basically I see what I'm planning as a win-win - tidy house for her and no resentment from me.

So I worked all this out and asked her. She said no. She feels like she needs her down time in the evenings and that she can't cope without the weekend being totally free for leisure time (she has anxiety, depression and possibly ASD) so she won't do it.

She also won't do more cooking as I leave the kitchen in a mess (working on it) and spends much of her time in bed as she can't face the rest of the house* also partly because I leave things lying about a lot.

It's an awful catch 22 where she won't help me because of the consequences of my having ADHD, but I know I won't get better unless I'm supported and the load is shared. And all that's happening now and has been happening for years, is I take it all on, struggle, get criticised, build resentment (because why not just help rather than nag that my efforts suck?) and then we have a huge fight etc etc. Sometimes she does try to help, but even if I clean the whole kitchen beforehand, she can't cook a meal without slamming cupboard doors, shouting, throwing pans about and generally getting frustrated that she can't find things (well of course not, she's never in the kitchen) and then I'll go back to cooking everything or even just come and take over and give up on my own free time.

I feel like part of the problem is the ASD, which I think is behind the reluctance to give up her special interests and the very short fuse and serious communication issues she refuses to acknowledge (so many fights where I wish I had a tape recorder running from the start because it'll turn out she meant something that was totally different from what she said at the beginning. Also has issues with tone and non verbal communication, also won't recognise them) There's also the fact I dated an autistic woman in the past and see a lot of similar behaviours and dynamics and in fact that relationship ended because she felt she wouldn't grow as a person whilst she had me doing all the jobs she found frustrating and difficult - peak example was asking me to do a job interview for her. It was funny later but she was dead serious at the time. Anyway...

The other thing is I think we have very different attitudes to chores - I feel like chores are a team effort, even if that means you deal with someone else's mess. That came from my parents who would share as much as possible - dad cooked dinner, mum washed up, mum did the shopping, dad put it away etc. Obviously sometimes mum had extra work on or dad was fixing stuff on the farm which meant the other parent doing more around the house, but they tried to balance and support each other. There's also house shares I've been in where conflicting schedules in a five adult house mean coming home to find your housemate who just did a 12 hour shift didn't feel like cleaning the pans you need for dinner so you have to learn to remember their struggles and not resent them for it, knowing next week it might be them cleaning your stuff.

Her attitude is more "your mess, your problem" which would be fine in a neurotypical relationship with equal division of labour, but is much harder when ADHD means you need things to be out to know they exist (forgot what that's called) and is worse when you're doing most of the chores and therefore, simply by definition, end up making more mess. I've tried pointing that out, but this feels like one of those things that's just a core difference where we see the world very differently and can't be resolved easily.

Anyway, not sure why I'm writing this other than to vent because it's killing me. Every fight makes me catastrophically depressed and I'm getting more extreme in my reactions to the shame, with thoughts of suicide, worthlessness, self disgust, feeling unattractive and unlovable etc. Recently I came close to sleeping in the nearby woods in the snow because I couldn't even see myself as worthy of being in a bed and couldn't face coming home to more shouting and shame. I have disclosed some of this but she doesn't seem to take it seriously and certainly nothing has changed.

And there's likely lots that's my fault that I'm leaving out or not recognising. I find it very hard to respond in the right way to criticism and when it gets like I am at the moment, I feel so much resentment that it makes my responses much worse and much more common even when, at other times, I wouldn't react. I also carry arguments and fights for days and it can become a constant hum in my head (like it is right now) whereas she seems to vent then be fine and acting like nothing happened soon after whilst I'm filled with anger and self hatred and sadness.

I guess if people have constructive suggestions that would be good (not "dump her" thanks, that won't fix my ADHD and I'll just ruin someone else's life) but please be aware I often post then bail on shit for ages so sorry if I do that when you're trying to help.

Thanks all.

*Our house is still only part decorated after four years because we had a massive fight over my DIY skills. She has a much higher standard for work than me and basically wants a level of professionalism we can't afford hence my DIYing, whereas I grew up in a falling down farmhouse with parents who did the best they could because they couldn't afford professionals either. Took years but they got there and didn't kill each other and that's all I want.

Submitted February 01, 2021 at 10:10AM by ADHDank via reddit https://ift.tt/2YxwaaG

[garlique]

all the things i would tell my mom if i went back to my ten year old self with what i know now

under a cut because it got really really long i guess i have a lot to say to her lol

1. hi mom i know i look like yr ten year old but im actually yr 19 year old. im gonna tell u some things i need from u and i need u to write these down and remember them

2. im fucking transgender, i found this out for myself at like 14 or 15. im going to change my name twice; both of my h names are deadnames. my gender is also a lot more complex than i’ll realize it is but with you and dad, i will settle on the name miles and he/him pronouns. please please actually take me to get new clothes when i come out i might tell you i don’t need it but i really really want it. also you and dad for years have nasty habit of calling me the wrong name and pronouns when you get mad at me. i don’t know if it’s because you genuinely want to hurt me by doing it or if it’s just that you still think of me as a girl named ****** and can’t hide it when you’re emotional but jesus christ does it fuck me up. dont do that shit. also pls dont leave me to transition on my own. im a child with a lot of issues and because you help me so little with my transition i’ve been yet unable to get top surgery. im incapable because

3. i am really fucked in the head and idk how much of it is nature vs nurture. i have adhd, am autistic, have *, believe i’ve been depressed my entire life, and have been having panic attacks since i was around 6. i also have cptsd; i dont know if telling you this will make that better, because im already really traumatized. but my first memory in my entire life was sitting on the closed toilet late at night while you brushed your teeth, sobbing because i was having a panic attack and you brushed me off and sent me back to bed where i continued to have a panic attack until i wore myself out enough that i couldnt physically keep my eyes open. which brings me to my next point

4. i need MORE from you. as a 19 year old before this i have SO many issues with trusting people and getting help. i have a form of ptsd which i believe is partly due to what i consider your emotional neglect. i dont know what you can do to make it better because if i did i probably would have asked for it in this timeline. but it really is not my responsibility to make sure YOU can parent me effectively. how are you so unaware of my emotional needs?

5. YOU need to receive mental help. by the time i’m like 15 or 16 you seem from my perspective to hate your life and you LOVE to unload it onto me. i remember telling you SO MANY TIMES that you should see a therapist (i started therapy freshman year) and every single time i suggested it you will say “no i dont need therapy” . which is because you used ME as your therapist. please dont fucking do that to me. you can tell me about your life and your day to day but holy shit the amount of breakdowns i had because of what you told me? please for the love of god you have so much fucking trauma please please please get help this is how generational cycles begin and is the main reason i decided at like 17 to never have kids.

6. in either 5th or 6th grade im going to get lyme disease and im not going to tell you because you told me when i was very young that you hated taking me to the doctors and so im not going to tell you for months that i can’t use one of my arms or that i can’t put weight on one of my legs. if i remember right it first showed up in my right shoulder abt 3 months after YOU injure your shoulder and so when i first tell you my shoulder hurts you tell me that it doesn’t and that i’m just mimicking you. please just take me to the doctor in like february instead of june. im basically fucking crippled as a 19 year old and i think it is in large part because of the lyme disease

7. please for the love of god please please fucking take me to the dentist regularly

8. in 9th grade early/mid december im going to confess to a friend that i am feeling suicidal and she and basically everyone else in my life who finds out is going to handle it terribly. im going to attempt suicide again in the spring of my sophomore year and it’s going to be awful for everybody again. after that attempt you don’t let me shower by myself for three months. i know it’s because you’re scared to lose me but i’m going to tell you a little secret: im terrified of dying. i dont Actually want to die. i just have so little control of my brain that dying or sleeping for a long long time is the only way i can see to get my shit under control. in 8th grade i make friends who are terrible for me and spend my nights talking them out of suicide. here is where i learn how to keep people alive lol. i dont know what you can do to help me that won’t make me hate or resent you but i’m telling you now so that maybe if you have the time you can prepare.

9. abt my mental health: pls take me to get autism/adhd tests n diagnoses. my * diagnosis will b impossible to get before i turn 18 and i am going to try to keep it from u . i promise u tho raising an autistic kid is not as hard as it seems and by now im so fucking traumatized that i’ve already learned to internalize everything

10. when im in high school i forget what year you severely injure yourself and spend a really long time in the hospital and rehab. this is what i feel most guilty about in my entire life: that the time you were gone was literally the easiest few months of my life. right abt two weeks before you do that is when i decide that you weren’t a good parent to me and that i am no longer safe around u; maybe if we can deal with some shit now we can have a better experience. btw i feel like it would b cruel if i didnt tell you so here r the brief details of yr injury **

11. by the time im in college i have constant panic attacks and dissociate heavily for the weeks before i have to leave college to come home. you need to take me seriously, i don’t know what else i can say to make this believable. i’m already real fucked up; you need to change the future for me or it WILL affect me for the rest of my life. i latch on to every woman who’s older than me who’s nicer to me; i think that’s the definition of mommy issues

12. i came back to tell you this because i really do believe you can change. if i thought there was no hope i wouldn’t have bothered telling you this. i think you can change because you DO love me (speaking of which telling me i love you but i don’t like you is? kinda fucked up? maybe don’t say that to a child ever again although i think by now you’ve stopped saying it because that will set me up with some fucked up ideas of love until i really begin to be loved by other people) and i think you want the best for me and i think you would want to change so that i could have a better life. i love you and i believe in you

[undiagnosedautismfeels]

Not a feel asks

When I was a kid I used to copy animal noises all the time and make them at people I didn't like. IIAAT? - crochet asks             

~This might just be a thing that kids do, autistic or not. But it could also possibly be a form of echolalia or maybe a vocal stim (that would depend on you yourself though, if it feels like a stim then it is a stim). I would ask yourself how long this lasted (if it lasted into your teenage years or otherwise to an age longer than is considered appropriate, I would call it an autistic thing. I’d say about 12 years old would be typically considered “too old to make animal noises”)

I don't feel like my therapist listens to me. I told her I don't look people in their eyes (I look at their noses and pretend, or I look around the room) and then later she said I did. She ignores it every time I bring up one of my autistic traits even when I don't bring up autism. And she doesn't talk about my depression with me. Despite the fact that she's kind of making it worse. I've told my parents I'm not satisfied and that I don't want therapy, but they won't listen either.             

~Could you ask your parents for a different therapist, if they won’t let you get out of therapy completely? If not, I would consider talking to the people at the front desk or office of whatever building you go to (I’m assuming you don’t do in-home visits) and see if there are other options. You could also do some research and see if there are any good ways to cope with this by yourself. I’m sorry if this isn’t very helpful, I’ve been here before too anon

Someone: Self diagnosis is wrong and doesn't count. Self Diagnosed people are wrong. // Me, facing stereotypes like there's no tomorrow: *sips tea* fascinating             

~Same here.

My parents are so against me getting dx'd and insist Im just stressed even tho I've been hospitalized for suicide and psychosis, but my fiancé is so supportive of me bein tested for autism, even helps me point out characteristics that could mean I am             

~I’m so sorry that your parents are being stubborn and unhelpful. It’s good you have someone to support you though! :)

I rly need help feeling validated like,,i feel like ppl will get really, really angry for me self-dx'ing and I csnt get a profesional opinion and I'm afraid of offending my professionally diagnosed friends and I just?? I can't... find a stable point. I keep doubting myself, thinking "am i really autistic or am I just a little different" or I feel like I relate to specific mental disorders but i dont... want to same like a fake, edgy 12 yr old on deviantart,,,,             

~The people against self diagnoses usually do not have very good or logical reasons to be against it, so I would not worry about them (I know that’s harder said than done but it’s true). I had the same problem, I recommend doing lots and lots of research, both on autism and similar disabilities (like ADHD). That way you can be sure that you’re not mixing your symptoms with other disorders (which is a comforting thing to know when you’re doubting yourself.) Also, you don’t need a diagnoses to be valid as autistic. If you are autistic, you’re autistic whether or not a doctor says so. I hope this helps.

~Mod Xan~

Side note: Sorry if my answers seem off, I am feeling a bit off today.

[brightlotusmoon]

My Mikey. MINE. yes and yours.

Okay, yes, this is a lot about the promo elevator scene from the upcoming episode that got promoted, the one where Mikey starts knocking together his nunchaku just like in the 2014 film, but where Raph fucking punches him in the head so hard he crashes down to the floor and it’s suddenly not fucking funny…

But it is also about the season one episode where they were shoving Mikey between them because nobody wanted him on their team, the episodes where Mikey screams that they never listen to him when he is right, the season three episode where he literally runs away because he can’t handle the abuse, yes, the abuse, all the episodes where they tease his lack of thought, where they assume he isn’t good enough, where even his father thinks all he does is joke around. “Mikey doesn’t have a brain, don’t listen to him. But holy shit, Mikey is hurt, get angry and vengeful.” ??

It’s about wondering WHY writers of this show (and the 2003 show and the 2007 film) don’t know what to do with such a versatile character beyond Eternal Kid Appeal and Butt Monkey and occasional Woobie. There is only so much comic relief Mikey can hold on his shoulders before he just falls like slapstick. And about that: ever notice how when others beat the turtles up, they are badly injured, but they beat each other up and it’s nothing. Like, Raph can literally throw a sudden punch to the head that would cause whiplash, bruising, stiff neck, even concussion, but Mikey slowly gets up and shakes it off and also Donnie is the only one thinking Holy Shit That Has To Hurt and then it’s forgotten. It was a scene that never needed to be. Raph could have smacked Mikey lightly. But nope.

Hey. Writers. Remember when Mikey got knocked unconscious by Snakeweed and Raph lost his ability to think? Remember when Tiger Claw struck Mikey so hard his shell was knocked loose and Raph cradled him in worry? Remember when Raph kept protecting Mikey and caring for Mikey and loving Mikey? Are you sure you remember? Because “Nobody hurts Mikey but me” has been pretty literal. And it is sad and it hurts.

You might think I’m being over dramatic but you should see the conversations happening over that one scene. These kids are abusing each other and shrugging it off. I get it, they only had each other, frustrations and tempers had to be let out somehow, and Mikey designated himself Family Punching Bag because his optimistic joyful self could bounce back. But now they’re out in the world. They have more than just each other. Is it literal reflex, built from a decade of Mikey taking the punches and laughing them off?

Look, I am an only child. Was born disabled. Cerebral palsy not diagnosed until age four. Epilepsy not diagnosed until age 26. ADHD not diagnosed until age 22. Autism not diagnosed until age 34. My teen years were spent isolated and afraid of people, while my parents just wanted me to have friends, while my school mates mocked and teased and verbally punched me for being the only disabled kid in a school of 400. I didn’t even know who I was because the 1980s and 1990s didn’t see the medical stuff, just “weird kid and Fuck If We Know, she’s genius in reading and shit at math, just push her up two grades and whoops, she’s being ripped apart.” Maybe if I’d had siblings it would have been less WTF. At least sibling teasing was love, right? Right?

I just….Mikey. Sweet precious ADHD Autistic inhuman child who lived in literal seclusion, isolation, sheltered from the world for his first 15 years. And then one brother falls in love with the first girl human they see, his other brother becomes best friends with a boy human version of himself, his oldest brother is too involved in being a ninja geek. Mikey just desperately wants to socialize, but every human pushes him away and his own family is too involved to pay attention and he keeps hurting and being hurt, and it seems to culminate in being fucking punched in the head by his own brother just because he is stimming and fidgeting out his tension in a small space and nobody wonders if he’s okay.

I need him to be okay. I need season 5, the final season, to give Mikey what he needs. I’ve seen clips of his voice actor flirting in the recording booth with Shinigami’s voice actress and being very excited about Mikey’s development. I keep biting my lip. Mikey needs to be okay. Throughout the 30-year franchise, Michelangelo was either in the background or made to be the only comic relief. It was the fandom that molded him. It was fandom who shaped his hinted at abilities into much more, and it was fandom that inspired the producers and writers. I will always love Ciro and Brandon for making this Mikey into a sweet adorable precious darling childlike freckled ball of sunshine. But I will shake my fists at how much they hint at his raw potential and then turn around show how little he is featured.

But this is why we write fanfiction and draw fanart. I’m gonna see the entire series through, okay. And I am still gonna love it. I’m gonna cherish every moment, even the sad parts and the bad parts and the WTF parts. And I am also gonna express frustration and aggravation and rants about the parts that feel wrong.

That elevator scene should have never happened the way it did. I get that they were playing off the Paramount film. But… No. When the episode airs in the USA in February, I’ll be happy for the OMG CHOMPY parts (seriously, they pulled a “Surprise Kitty!” scene). But I won’t be happy about the elevator scene.