#I mean I just don’t like sex in general but still yea-

[fanficwritersunite]

YES

i wish there was more queer media not centered around sex or like involving sex at all

[hazelfoureyes]

Someone nice, Somewhere safe

Angel x Virgin Female Reader

જ⁀➴ Angel x Virgin Male Reader - Someone nice, somewhere safe*

*same story, just your bits and bobbles are changed 

You let it slip to the group you were a virgin, and instead of laughing, Angel grabs you before bed to offer a friendly hand.

.<Warnings/Promises: Angel Dust x Virgin Female!Reader, smut, fingering, lubed to the gods, Angel uses four arms, Valentino is a blind bag of smashed assholes, creampie, oral, the gentlest sex I’ve ever written (probably), an alarming towel>

listen here virgins, if I could craft a perfect first time for you, this is it. Minus the lack of condoms because—it’s hell? Sex workers are tested bi-weekly?? This is still a fantasy??? Just if anything, please take from this the importance of a safe and trusting environment at all times 🙏  

minor dni (shoo! get outta here! Go on, git! 🧹)

You thought everyone would laugh when you said you were a virgin. The group awe’d and said it was cute, which was definitely better than the response you’d gotten in the overworld. But when you said you’d never actually orgasmed before, everyone just looked… sad? The conversation was quickly derailed by Angel launching into a list of wildest orgasm faces he’s seen, Charlie leaving the room entirely.

Continuing with the evening’s theme of surprise, you hadn’t expected Angel to catch up to you when everyone was filing off to bed. His hand gently reached for your wrist, “Hey ya got a sec?”

 For Angel, the epitome of smiling through the pain, you’d give him the remainder of your time in hell if he just asked. Every second, his.“Always!”

“So uh”, he rubbed the back of his neck, “about bein’ a virgin and all that.” Your stomach dropped, was the famous porn star about to embarrass you into a second death?“I think it’s real important that like— knowin’ yourself, and what makes you feel good is like super healthy. I dunno if you are interested in that kinda stuff but,” he was wildly moving his hands round, nervously stumbling over his words, “I’d be happy to help ya out.”

All of the blood rushed to your face.

“Oh fuck!” Angel grabbed your head and tipped it forward, “I would have accepted a simple no, jesus!” With one hand pinching your nose, he led you into his room just down the hall. 

What— what was happening, exactly? At all? In general? With your entire existence?

He kicked the door closed behind him and grabbed a handful of tissues, “Keep your head forward. Everyone who says tilt it back is an idiot.”

His hand was red when he drew it from your face, using his other hand to now hold tissues between his fingers as he pinched your nose shut.

“Is- is my nose bleeding??” Your voice cracked.

“Does that happen often?”

“Never.”

“Well I got to help you with at least one first, right?” Angel laughed, moving his hands away as you took over the task.

Oh, right. The offer. You glanced around the room, small but lived-in. Everything was pink and purple and soft.

“Angel, do you think because you’re a sex worker, you have to help me?” The room fell silent. Angel completely still beside you. You would love someone you could trust to take your virginity, but you would never want to use Angel like so many other people did on a daily basis.

“Ya know— a lot of people get real confused about this.” He sighed, chest heavy with the many misconceptions others had, “What I do for work, what I gotta do to get through the day, has nothin’ to do with who I am as a person.” You turned to look at him, “Why should I limit my experiences because of what other people have done to me?” The words hit you like a truck. You had unintentionally boxed him into his job, in turn into his trauma, summing him up as a warm body and incapable of any depth past that. Just a sex worker.

“No, no I didn’t mean anything like that. I just, I don’t want to ever,” you grabbed two of his hands, “ever take advantage of your kindness.” You squeezed, “or any part of you.”

His frown turned up, “We’re dead, yea, but you still exist. If you want to, you should enjoy every part of your afterlife. And I’d hate you to meet some asshole who’s too rough or doesn’t get ya warmed up first. A bad first time can be really traumatizin’.”

You nodded without actually thinking. Your brain wasn’t really processing meaning, his words were just soft and kind and your nose still stuffed full of tissue.

“Do you wanna?”

You nodded more vigorously, “Did my nose start bleeding again?”

Angel took the tissue away, giving a second to see, “Nope.”

Taking a deep breath, you said, “Okay. Yeah, I want that. Someone nice, somewhere safe.”

“It ain’t quite nice but-,” Angel looked around his room.

“It’s perfect, Angel.”

“Aw fuck, I should clean up,” he hurriedly carried trash from his nightstand, flattening out the comforter and adjusting his pillows. He placed fat nuggets on the floor with a little pat on the head.

Finally, he stood in front of you, two hands on his hips, two gesturing to you.

“Alright baby! Let’s pop some cherries! Undress~” he elongated the word, shimmying his hips a little, “-to your comfort level.” He began to unbutton his blazer, “Bare minimum, take off your pants and underwear, please and thank you. Though I have fucked through underwear…” He was momentarily lost in a memory.

You hadn’t anticipated getting naked in front of a friend tonight. But Angel so effortlessly shed his clothes, peeling off his gloves. Pulling off your pants, you paused.

“Is it weird if I keep my shirt on? Like— do you know who Winnie the Pooh is?”

“Nothin’ weird about bein’ comfortable, pookie.” He pinched your cheek, “I’d offer a modesty blanket but I kinda need to see what I’m doing.” His eyes flitted to the left, “No, wanna. I wanna see.” Angel’s laugh relaxed you, the idea of anyone wanting to see you made you feel a little less—-naked. Still, your hands seemed frozen on your underwear’s edge.

With a hum, he disappeared into the bathroom and returned with a towel. “Go on, lie down. I’ll help ya relax. This is already feeling too medical-like.”

Were you going to need a towel? Were you going to need a towel?? Were you going to need a towel!?

You sat back on his bed, and when he crawled up to meet you, all legs and arms and Angel Dust, you buried your face in your hands.

“Oh hey—,” his voice was so soft, lacking its usual sass, “Wanna just, cuddle and watch stupid shit on my phone?” You groaned, face sinking further down. This would be easier if he wasn’t so sweet. You could at least take a backseat, then.

You shook your head, and felt his hand on your ankle. It snaked up your calf, slipped down your knee and thigh, finding the waistband of your underwear. When you looked up from your hiding place, Angel was a foot from your face. His features lit only by the purple neon signs hanging beside his bed and near the door. He lifted his brows, a question he didn’t need to vocalize. You sank back into the purple and pink pillows, different sizes, different textures, gently enveloping you.

With two hands now, he slide off your underwear. You might die, again. Your heart would give out any second, incapable of handling the moment. You were manually breathing.

He lifted your hips with two hands, a third sliding the towel beneath you before setting you back down.

“Do ya-,” he was rummaging now inside the nightstand drawer, “not play with yourself? Ever?”

“Not really. Not like, there.”

“Whaddya do with all your free time?” His short but enthusiastic laughter forced a smile to your cheeks. Angel slid the drawer shut and came to rest in front of your tightly shut thighs and knees. You heard a cap pop, and found the courage to sit up and see what he was doing.

“What?” He squeezed a clear, thick lubricant onto his right hand, “Nerves can make holes dry like nothin’ else. No fun for no one, trust me. Could start a fuckin’ fire—- and spit ain’t lube!” Angel said it like he spoke from a personal experience.

Ah, the towel. That made sense now.

“Should I do something?”

“Just lie back, baby~,” he opened your knees and followed your face as you settled back down, “Do you like kissin’?”

You’d kiss a trashcan if Angel said it got him hot, so, “Yeah.”

“Good,” One hand touched your cheek, sliding to your chin as he brought your lips to his. You thought you’d melt, his hands so soft on you, lips confident and sure. He used his thumb on your chin to pull down your bottom lip and ask you for entrance. When you opened up to him, his tongue slid into yours as his sticky wet hand finally came into contact between your legs. Two fingers rubbing the lube up and a down your pussy.

You nearly inhaled him with your shock, he giggled into it, “You’re so cute.” You twitched under his hand, “Ooh, and reactive! Daddy likes.”

Stop. Stop talking. I’m going to black out.

His mouth returned to yours, tongue over your tongue, as his fingers just massaged your entrance. No attempt at entering, no prodding, just gentle up and down motions. Slowly, your felt your skin heating beneath his hand, the lubricant somewhat melting with your warmth.

At work, Angel was never the lead. Never the top, and never afforded time to ease anyone open. He had no issues with sleeping with women, it was just usually for money or a shoot. Not his preferred flavor, but he could still get it up. Watching you sigh and twitch under him felt like a treat. Such a sweet response to what so many people made unnecessarily dirty at work. He wasn’t shocked to find his cock twitching, swelling as your breathing hitched with every stroke of his hand. When was the last time he could just… slow down? Be the one in control? Not control like Val, control like—- can I get you a pillow? Is the pacing good? Let’s soften these lights.  Hold my hand, sweetheart.

His head felt a little dizzy. His middle finger pressed now, and with a slow but constant motion entered you. ‘Uncomfortable’ was the best word. Your body tensed around him, but he gently pressed passed your virgin walls. He hummed, “First one down! Atleast,” he paused, “two more to go.”

“Atleast??” You shook your head.

“It’s sex math, trust the professional in the room.” He withdrew the finger and slid it back in, starting a slow pace of long drags from knuckle to fingertip.

It didn’t hurt, to his credit. The excitement of having Angel touching you so intimately made the finger easier to relax into. Angel must have noticed, his finger leaving you. He popped the top again of his lube and pressed in two fingers. This was harder. You whined, his fingertips pushing past the tight entrance of your cunt and settling into the wet warmth behind.

Lying on your back, you stared at the now upside-down photos behind his bed. He looked so happy. Could you join that wall? Was this wall worthy?

“You still good?” He leaned over you, fingers  moving.

You nodded, “Can I have another kiss?”

Ah, you might as well have punched him in the chest. “Of course, darlin’~ Ask and you shall receive.” You liked kissing, genuinely, but were always scared you’d kiss someone too long and end up in an awkward situation having to explain you weren’t wanting sex. But that fear was all gone, you’d broken the code. Get naked first, then kiss.

You smiled into his mouth, and he smiled back, “Whatcha thinkin’ about?”

“I like kissing you.” You leaned up, pressing your lips to his chin. His fingers quickened, and you moaned without warning. You felt your self grip his finger, nervousness slinking away and finally letting you feel aroused.

“Ooh, now we’re gettin’ somewhere,” he leaned back, repeating the same steps and trying to press a third finger into you. His abundance of hands were a blessing, one at your entrance, one on your knee to keep your shaking legs open, and two roaming down the sides of your body. When three fingers finally entered, you could feel the burning stretch of your skin around them. He pushed in, and the skin followed. He pulled out, your sensitive hole pulling too. The hand on your knee came to your crotch, his palm pressing lightly down on your clit. You glanced up to him, his eyes focused as he watched his fingers slowly drag in and out of you. It burned still, but just past that burning was a slippery sensation that made your lap warm with the rush of blood.

He let his fingers sink in entirely, before bending and feeling inside you. Your knee jumped when he hit something.

“Bingo! Say hello to your g-spot.” He beamed down at you, gold tooth shining, “Not everyone needs it to cum but oooh boooy does it maximize pleasure,” it sounded so pornographic when he said it.

You weakly copied, “B-bingo.” 

“Three fingers means I can do this now~” he replaced his palm with his fingers,  sticky with lube. His long digits were fast and practiced as he rubbed your clit. “Sex math. Dont need your virgin pussy locking up on me.” He said quietly to himself, fingers in and out of you picking up speed. Your head was pressing into the pillows as your neck strained, you’d never masturbated while someone, something, penetrated you. Every stroke of his fingers made your body spasm, the feeling of something hard and unforgiving pushing back against your quivering walls made a pleasure you couldn’t describe.

“Feelin’ good yet?” The way he said it, he knew damn well how you were feeling.

You whimpered into one of the pillows, “Yeah, it’s starting to feel good.” A weak nod.

Angel’s grin bordered on wicked, hand slowing. He leaned down and placed a kiss on your clit. Then another. His tongue flattened against his bottom lip as he dragged it over your sensitive bud of nerves.

You moaned, a half spoken-half cried, “Oh fuck, Angel-.” Hips bucking up, his fingers kept their place and followed. You humped up against his tongue, ground down into his fingers; up, down. Soft tongue, rigid fingers.

“Like that? Watch this,” He cupped his mouth over your clit and began strumming it with his tongue. Fat and flat, then thin and sharp. His fingers slowed, now just bending to hit your soft g-spot again and again. 

One hand held tightly to the pillow, the other coming to Angel’s hair. Your body kept jumping away from overstimulation but you fought against it every time and tried to grind against his face.

He lifted his mouth off you with a deliberate pop, “Feelin’ good?” You nodded, eyes closed. “Ready for the real thing?”

“Yeah. I want to feel more, Angel.” It came out as more of a whine than you meant.

His hand came to his erection, red and leaking. Stroking himself, he returned to massaging at your entrance, fingers dipping in then out.

“You comfortable with getting on your knees? This position ain’t so conducive for what I’m tryin’ to do.”

Somehow, ass up sounded better than face to face, “You’re the expert.” You rolled onto your stomach, hips up, face resting into the sea of pillows. You paused, lifted off your now sweaty shirt, and got back into position. 

“Sexpert, but thank you!” The lid popped open again, cold and viscous lube being dripped directly onto pussy, “Finally some recognition around here.” He coated himself with what was still on his hands, and raised your hips to line himself up.

“Deep breaths, okay?” He leaned over your back, kisses falling down your skin. Two hands held your hips, one guided himself into you. You tensed when his head began to push in, “Relaaax, just like the fingers.”

A muffled, “okay” from your place in the pile. Your heart was suddenly racing, the tight coil of pleasure his mouth summoned now gone. He wiped his dick up and down your folds, swiping past your entrance. Lining up, he pushed in, getting his head firmly sunk into you.

“Breath, baby,” he moaned into your shoulder. You took a deep breath in, your body tight still. But, it didn’t hurt like you’d thought. It burned, but there was no sting, no tearing. Angel’s hands ran up and down your sides, along you ass and thighs. He gently touched everywhere he could reach, until he felt you soften, “Ready to keep going?”

“Yes please”, you turned your head to look at him.

He pulled out slightly to collect more lube on his shaft, before slowly sinking into you until he bottomed out.

You were gasping, your brain misfiring. You couldn’t feel anything but him, your body just a formless thought with Angel’s warm, solid cock reaching deeper into than you thought possible. One roaming hand reached for your shoulder, “Can I move?”

“Slow,” your hand searched for a loose fold of comforter to grip, but it was soon encased and intertwined by one of his.

He pulled out, and slowly thrust back in. A saccharine moan fell from his mouth, and it made you whimper. 

You were so soft around him, yet gripping him so snuggly he felt like he was melting into your walls. His breath was unsteady, “You feel so good on my cock, baby.” A burning blush took over your face, a rush of pleasure electrifying your clit.

“How ya doin’?” Angel sounded nervous, timid.

You had to collect saliva to get any words out, mouth running dry from panting, “S’good.” You tried again, “So good.” Your fingers tightened around his.

He adjusted his hips, watching you closely. When your eyes closed and your hand nearly broke his, he grinned down, “Bingo~,” his speed began to pick up. 

“Right there,” you whimpered, “please don’t stop, right there Angel.” You dragged out the last syllable of his name. You could feel a pressure building in your lower stomach. 

Angel took languid thrusts out to the tip and pushing back past your still resisting entrance. Every time he pulled out and slipped in felt better than before. The sensations of him opening you around his cock again and again had your stomach and thighs tensing. You brought your hand up to press at your clit, finger frantically moving. You felt something building, you were desperate to reach its climax.

Angel’s hand came down and pushed yours aside, his fingers strong and not shaking with your impending orgasm. 

“Almost- Angel pleeeease! Don’t stop- keep—” You squeezed his hand tighter, his thrusts becoming faster and shallower. His repeated pressing of your g-spot pushed you over the edge, hand slowing only slightly.

"You can do it, baby. Come on. Almost there~" His words fell apart in his mouth, his own moans getting louder, your cunt tightening in spasms as your first orgasm tore through you. Your body was so inviting, warm walls sucking his head deeper. He rarely got to feel this sensation, barely ever chosen as the one doing the fucking, let alone fucking a woman. His head rested against your back, hands running along the curve of your hips as he melted into your sweet heat.

He picked up speed, only drawing out an inch or so now with each thrust. The lube made a pop and squelch every time his skin pulled from yours, the sound making his legs weak.

“Where can I cum?” His breath was raspy, messy with the pleasure of your soft insides rubbing along his shaft. You gripped the blanket, orgasm still rolling from the feeling of Angel chasing his release with your body. You could hear the strain in his voice, “Gonna need an answer real fast, babe.” You hid your face in the pillow mountain again, embarrassed to answer.

“Inside,” you tried to say it loudly enough for him to hear.

He whimpered a, “Fuuuuck” down your spine, “Such a dirty little virgin.” His hips stuttered before he sunk into you with such force your legs gave out. Your body came down flush onto the bed. Angel was pressed into you, chest against your back as his breathing calmed. You could feel his heart through your ribs, his chest fluff silky on your skin. Your body was warm, his hot cum filling you.

Small, lazy kisses on your back, then up your neck, he leaned to kiss your cheek. He slid out of you delicately, but you didn’t move.  His weight left the bed, then returned as a warm, wet cloth wiped you clean. After a couple of minutes of gentle cleaning, you felt the throw blanket cover your back. Angel plopped down on his back beside you, pulling the blanket over his legs and unlocking his phone, “Wanna see this fuckin’ hilarious video of my boss runnin’ into a glass wall?”

You chuckled, “More than anything.” He side eyed you, “Well, not anything.”

“Right answer, toots,”  One of his hands came down and settled on your hair, he leaned in to your head and as you watched Valentino collide head first into a wall, he said softly, “Let me know if you need anything. I got a bitchin’ tub in there.”

You hummed, reaching a shakey hand up and pressing ‘replay’ on his phone. Angel’s laughter echoed off the walls, and you decided you had no plans on leaving bed anytime soon.

༻Masterlist༺

[starcrossedxwriter]

Wicked Fantasies Part 4 (MBJ x Black OC)

Warnings: mentions of grief and death… NSFW, public sex, name calling, BDSM themes

A/N: lol remember when I said this was gonna be two parts? Well I finished both so I said why not lol long chapter ahead but I hope you enjoy!

***

“It’s really insane when you think about it,” she laughed. “I mean God, these people are saying shit I wouldn’t dare breathe out loud… to a complete stranger. Do your DMs always look like this?” 

Michael nodded, causing Raven to shake her head in complete disbelief. “I don’t see most of ‘em but my team likes to share the wildest ones sometimes. The people are mad creative.”

“You don’t ever feel objectified by it?” Raven asked, her nails tapping quietly against her screen as she deleted DM after DM. 

“Sometimes but it’s par the course in my world. And they do it to all celebrities. It’s also not like me and my team don’t play into that shit. So it’s kinda hard to get mad. When you get branded as a sex symbol, people treat you like one. And generally, people don’t mean any harm by it. As long as people, you know, keep that shit on social, I don’t get bothered.”

“Fair. People need to like get offline and touch grass. The amount of women in my DMs insulting me for ‘stealing you?’ You’d think I wrecked their fantasy home. It’s kinda disturbing, not gonna lie.” 

Despite the rise in explicit DMs, Raven was pleasantly surprised at how little her life had changed since she became the public girlfriend of a mega movie star. She had never seen so many follow requests in her life and the cameras swarmed the library for the first few days. However, other than that and one or two articles detailing the sparse details of her life that were available, things were pretty much exactly the same. It also helped that there was a major celebrity scandal each week so their relationship had quickly become old news. But they were the new “it couple” on the block. The world bought their act hook, line, and sinker. A few more months of this and the debacle of their first date would be a funny passing joke on SNL or Late Night tv and nothing more. 

“I feel bad dragging you to this shit on your birthday,” Michael mumbled apologetically. 

Raven scoffed. “It’s a dinner party at Ryan Coogler’s with the cast of my favorite superhero movie of all time,” she exclaimed, a bit of her fan girl side slipping out. “Hardly a punishment. We got our photo so you can post something cute and sappy for the gram and I get to do something fun completely unrelated to my birthday. Win, win.” She assured him with a smile. 

Michael still did not understand her aversion to her birthday, it was one of the many things about her that were a big question mark. He thought she was just being modest when she told him so when Ryan invited the couple to dinner at his spot, he felt bad for even asking her to give up her special day for a work event. However, she said yes immediately, clearly thankful for a work obligation to fill up her evening. 

Her phone rang, interrupting Michael’s response. She rolled her eyes when she saw her sister’s name pop up. She had been dodging her and her dad’s calls left and right since she and Michael’s first date weeks ago. She knew her sister would find out from social media and would tell their dad, and she knew they both were just calling with their hands outstretched. She could tolerate them asking for her money and the money she did not have yet, she always found it and, even if she complained, she would give it. But she would not entertain requests for money that was not hers to give away, nor would she give Michael the impression she was a gold digger trying to bleed him dry. He was upholding his end of the bargain, she would not milk him for anymore than that. She let it go to voicemail, however, soon the car filled with the constant dings of her texts.

“You gotta take that?” 

“Umm… yea,” Michael could feel her entire mood sour at the idea. “It’s just my sister. She’ll never stop calling if I don’t. You mind? Sorry,” her tone was apologetic, knowing how frustrating it would be to listen to half a conversation in a car you can’t escape from. 

She held the phone to her ear and waited for her to pick up, making sure to turn the volume down as low as possible in hopes Michael would hear as little of whatever insanity her sister would spew. She knew she was not calling to merely offer happy birthday wishes, if she even acknowledged the day at all.

“Raven! I’ve been calling you for days. What the fuck?” Kiara’s voice filled her ears. 

“Hi Kiara. Sorry, I’ve been a little busy. How are you?” 

“I’m fine.” She responded shortly without asking Raven the same. “And yea, a little busy all over the fuckin’ ShadeRoom. You know how fuckin’ embarrassing it is to find out you’re dating MY celebrity crush on Insta?? You didn’t even like that nigga or his movies.” 

Not true, Raven wanted to yell into the phone. She and her sister were not close enough to know each other’s favorite movies or actors, hell even favorite colors, let alone gossip about their relationships together. So she was not sure why Kiara even expected to know about her relationship, even if it hadn’t been a complete farce. 

“You have me out here lookin’ stupid as shit to my friends.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t realize how it would impact you.” There was a hint of sarcasm in her voice, which she could tell Michael picked up on as he choked back a laugh. However, she knew Kiara was too self absorbed to notice.

“When are you gonna bring him here for us to meet him? The girls want to meet him too.”  

“You and dad are always welcome to come to LA and meet him. O-Or just, you know, visit me?” she threw him an apologetic shrug that just made him laugh. She wished she could laugh at how quickly her family’s tune had changed about seeing her. She had invited them to LA countless times before everything fell apart but they couldn’t have cared less about her life and how she was doing. And when she tried to visit them, they made excuse after excuse about why it was not a “good time.” But now that she had a famous boyfriend, it was “when are you coming to visit?” As if the invitation had always been open. She had not seen her family in two years. “Don’t think either of us have time to come to y’all with his schedule. He’s going out of town soon for his new movie.”

“Maybe I can convince dad if you can get us tickets to the premiere of that movie…. What’s the name? I don’t remember. The girls would love that shit. Or… oh! He has to be invited to the new Black Panther premiere next month too. Maybe we can go to that? I don’t know what that shit’s about but it’s Black Panther so you know hella celebs will be there. He’s gotta be a brand ambassador for some fancy shit. Can you get us some Birkins or something?”

Raven clenched her eyes shut as her sister outlined her laundry list of impossible wants from her “boyfriend.” She knew she could never and would never ask Michael for a fraction of these things. And if she was going to ask him for something out of their contractual obligations, she doubted whether it would be to benefit Kiara of all people. She would do it on behalf of someone who would actually appreciate it.

“I’ll ask him. But maybe for now, you can settle for an autograph? Look, we are actually headed out on a date. Did you or dad need something?”

“Oh yea… I need money for a lawyer for that charge from a couple weeks ago. You know that fuck ass bar is suing us for damages? But that shit wasn’t even our fault.” 

Raven’s head lazily fell to the side as she half-listened to her sister complain for several minutes, drowning on with details from the fight  that made Raven think the bar was well within their rights to demand payment. But accountability was not Kiara’s strong suit. She offered lame “ohs” and “wows” to give the impression that she was truly paying attention. She was just waiting for the ask, there always was one and everything before it was pointless. She finally tuned back in when her sister demanded cash. 

“I gave dad the rest of my savings to bail you and your boyfriend out of jail. And I already sent money for the mortgage and dad’s car. I’m tapped out this month.” 

“Fuck you mean tapped out? You’re living like a fuckin’ big shot in LA with a millionaire for a boyfriend and you can’t slide me money for a lawyer? That’s fuckin’ foul, Raven.” 

Raven clenched her eyes shut. It had already been hard enough to keep up the appearances that she had a thriving career in LA. Adding a fake relationship to the house of lies she existed in did not help matters. Her family had no idea how much she was struggling now and while she knew she could tell them, she did not want to deal with their reactions, which she knew would likely be to blame her. She felt enough guilt and blame for her situation as it was. 

“I can’t just make money I don’t have materialize, Kiara.” She lowered her voice though she knew there was no way Michael was not listening. “You know just because I let you and dad treat me like an ATM, doesn’t mean I do that to other people. I don’t have the money right now but I can pay the bar in installments when I come into more in a couple weeks and just pay off the damages for you.” 

“No, we aren’t payin’ the fuckin’ bar cause we didn’t do shit. And wow… God. You’re so fuckin’ selfish, running off to LA and abandoning us here to make all that money with your fancy degrees and shit.” 

“Did I run off and abandon you or did you make it impossible to stay?” Raven asked, her exhaustion at constantly being the villain of her family’s story getting the better of her. 

“Poor Raven. Always the fuckin’ victim as if everything that’s wrong in this family isn’t your fault. And to pull that card today of all days when you know it’s the anniversary of mom’s death. If it weren’t for you…” Kiara started to say before Raven cut her off, tears welling up in her eyes as she already could hear her sister and father’s voice finishing that sentence. 

“I’ll figure it out and send the money, ok?” She called out, cutting her sister’s words off completely. “I’m getting an advance from my next book in a couple weeks. Find a couple lawyers, meet with them and get their rates and I’ll pay for it. No one crazy expensive, Ki.” 

She knew lying was wrong but she did not have any other option. She couldn’t tell her family where the money would be really coming from. Michael had a whole list of things for her for the next two weeks before he went on his press tour, which meant she would easily make enough to pay her sister’s legal fees and pass it off as an advance. 

“This is me and Jay’s lives, Raven. It’s not like you don’t have the money or access to itto pay for the best.” 

Raven focused her eyes on the ceiling of the car, a sorry attempt to stop tears of guilt and frustration from falling. She felt a tidal wave of shame hit her knowing Michael was seeing her like this. “Whatever you need. But once my advance money is gone, I’m tapped out for a while. Seriously, Kiara.” 

“Yea yea yea. I gotta go. I’ll call you in two weeks about the lawyer. Bye.”

Raven clenched her phone in her hand with a fist, her entire body turning away from Michael as a small frustrated sob escaped her that she couldn’t quite keep in. She tossed her phone down on the seat and wiped her eyes. 

She had hoped to make it through today, the annual reminder of the worst day of her life, without thinking too much about it. But there her sister was, picking at the threads of her composure, forcing her to unravel. 

The worst part of all of it was she could not even be mad at her sister or her father and how they treated her. She deserved it and she knew it. She had ruined their lives and this was her atonement. So she endured it, every slight, every barb, every wound because she - perhaps foolishly - hoped that if she kept reaching out her hand and kept giving, one day they would reach back and not expect something in it. They would forgive her and she would have a real family again. 

It did not matter how they spoke to her or treated her, she just repeated the same mantra over and over and over again.  

Keep reaching out your hand, she reminded herself as she took a few deep breaths. 

“You good? We can drive around for a bit longer if you need a minute.” 

“Yea, yea.” She sniffled and cleared her throat. “Just stupid family shit. One day we’ll have a date without me crying o-or having a panic attack,” she let out a watery laugh as she forced a smile onto her lips. 

The smile was wide, and Michael knew, to a stranger, it would likely seem authentic and bright. It would certainly be enough to fool everyone at dinner tonight. But he could see its inauthenticity in her eyes, that’s where all of her emotions shown through. And her eyes? They were void of even the minuscule amounts of light and joy he typically saw and that were present moments before that phone rang. Now, she just looked torn down. And this version of her did not have enough energy to do more than put on that facade and pray no one looked too closely. But when it came to Raven, Michael always looked too closely… and he knew that was the problem. 

Michael slumped back in his seat for a few moments, the wheels turning in his mind as he studied her. He knew he could continue with their plan for the night, that she would play her part and play it well. However, he could not, in good faith, allow that. All their dates thus far had been about him. She deserved for the one day to celebrate her to be all about her. He pulled out his phone and went to Google. After a few minutes of searching, he closed that and opened his call log. 

“Hey Coog.” His voice filled the car, Raven glancing over to him as she continued trying to reign in her emotions so she could play her part.  “My bad, man but we ain’t gon’ make it tonight. Send my apologies to the rest of the team and your wife.”

Raven’s head whipped to the side as she listened to his words. She could hear the faint accent of Ryan Coogler asking if everything was ok. She immediately turned to him and threw an expression at Michael before mouthing, “What are you doing??” 

Michael merely winked at her before answering Ryan. “Yea yea. Just somethin’ came up I gotta take care of.” Michael chuckled. “Aight, ‘preciate you, brah. I’ll make it up to you. Talk to you later.” 

As soon as he hung up the phone, Raven immediately spoke up. “What was that? Why aren’t we going to dinner?” 

Michael ignored her and directed his next statement to Allen. “New plan, Allen. Just sent you the address.” 

“Yes, sir.” 

He continued to avoid her confused and wide eyes. He could not sit at a dinner party, regardless of how fun it was going to be to see the entire cast, knowing Raven was in pain. And even if he did not know or understand the extent of it, he could empathize and recognize she needed a night of someone caring for her, not the other way around. 

“Where are we going?” 

“You’ll see.” 

When Allen finally stopped, Michael helped Raven out and handed one of the cards out of his wallet to Allen, whispering something in his ear that Raven could not hear. With that, Allen sped off, leaving the two behind. Michael placed his hand on the small of Raven’s back and directed her down the block. 

“What about your dinner party?” 

“That nigga hosts a dinner party for everythin’. My role in the movie ain’t that big. Just settin’ up future shit so they won’t miss me. He’ll host another after the premiere next month and at the end of the award season if it gets nominated. Trust me, we ain’t missing shit.” 

“But you’re paying me to go to work events with you?” Raven hated that once again, he felt the need to cater to her and her emotions. “I don’t need to be coddled. O-or for you to rearrange shit to celebrate a day I don’t even want to celebrate. You’re paying me to do a job, let me do it.” 

“Yea and now I’m paying you to have a relaxin’ evening with me. This’ll be more fun anyway. We can still pretend it ain’t your birthday if you want.” 

“Relaxing… at a rage room?” She glanced up and gestured toward the sign outside of the building they were standing in front of. It was quiet, no one but a front desk attendant gawking at them. But she was not surprised it was quiet for a Wednesday night. 

“You tellin’ me you don’t have some rage you wanna exercise a bit, ma?”

She chewed on her lip, she had more than enough rage to get out, but she needed to fix that on her own time, not his. “I do… we all do, I’m sure but… then you shouldn’t pay me for the night. This isn’t work. You’re just doing this to make me feel better and I’m good. We really should go to that party. You can’t just blow off work obligations because your fake girlfriend’s having a bad day.”

Michael closed the distance between them and used his fingers to pry her lip out from between her teeth. He wanted to smile at how she rolled her eyes and pouted a bit, clearly resisting the urge to draw her lip back where it was.  

“You aren’t ‘good.’ I don’t know you that well but I do know that much. Just because this ain’t real doesn’t mean I want to watch you suffer on the one day of the year that’s supposed to be about you. A dinner party isn’t what you need. You need fun, seems like you get little of that shit anyway. So since I’m payin’ for your time, I’m tellin’ you not to worry about my shit. And I’m tellin’ you that your only job today is to have fun. And I don’t like having my money wasted, baby girl.” His voice dropped to his commanding tone, a tone that let her know he’d pull out the flogger again if she did waste his time. 

She rolled her eyes and scoffed. “Fine. But this really isn’t necessary.” 

“It’s my money. Let me decide what’s necessary and what’s not. Now come on.” He pulled her in the door, using his award winning smile to get them into the largest room that was clearly meant for more than two people. 

The attendant got them set up in their protective gear and closed the door behind them, locking them in the room for an hour. 

“So what do we do?” Raven muttered as she glanced around, quietly giggling at their absurd bee-keeper style gear. The room was filled with breakable items, bats and golf clubs and other makeshift weapons. There were holes in the walls and punching bags and dummies and stacks of plates. 

He picked up a vase and chucked it at the wall, the glass shattering against the wall. Then he picked up another one and handed it to her. 

His hand pressed into her chest, right above her heart. “Every negative thing you feel in here? Destroy everythin’ in this room til it doesn’t feel like you’re drownin’ in it.” 

She grabbed the vase from his hand and held it for a moment before she threw it as hard as she could at the same spot on the wall. Lacking his strength, it did not make it to the wall but she did enjoy the rush of adrenaline and satisfying crash it made as it shattered to the ground.  She did not even need further prompting as she picked up the discarded baseball bat near her and started using it to break everything she could see that was breakable. 

Michael spent most of the hour cheering her on as she released every bit of pent up frustration and anger and pain and shame she felt. She was so tightly wound all of the time, never letting any of it show so she could never let any of it go. But this was a cathartic release that she did not even know she needed. She knew she would feel it all again tomorrow but every crash, every piece of glass shattered, every dent she made into the walls of that room felt like a small bit of everything she kept in started to vanish piece by piece.

By the time the buzzer rang, signaling the end of their session, she was exhausted, her arms tired but she had never felt lighter. 

“That was…” she breathed heavily as they walked out toward Michael’s SUV. “Amazing. I didn’t know I needed that. Thank you.” 

“See? You gotta trust me more, baby girl. I know more than just what your body needs.” He winked at her as he closed the door behind him. “And now, we have one more stop.” 

They spent the entire drive recapping their favorite things to break in the rage room, which “weapons” caused the most damage. 

“Remind me never to piss you off,” Michael joked as Allen pulled off onto an overlook. 

“What do you mean??” 

“You were downright terrifyin’ with that damn bat. Can’t have you goin’ all Jazmine Sullivan or Carrie Underwood on my car.” 

“Whatchu know about Before He Cheats?” 

He let out a barking laugh. “Enough to know niggas go up for that song, me included.” He admitted. “But if you try to sell that to a gossip site, I’ll deny it.” 

“Wow, learning something new about you every day. And please, I’m sure there are more effective ways to hurt you if you pissed me off,” she teased. “You’d have a new car before I even finished taking a bat to the old one.”

“You might be right about that.”

“Where are we?” She asked as Michael helped her out of the car and she followed him around to the back of the SUV. He opened the trunk and laid out a picnic blanket and soft pillows that Allen had purchased while they were raging and jogged up to the front to grab the box of Prince St. Pizza that had made Raven’s stomach growl the entire ride and a bottle of white wine. 

“Overlook by the Hollywood sign. Perfect view of the city with my favorite white wine and favorite pizza.”

Raven smiled as he helped her climb into the back of the SUV, both of them leaning on the back as they looked out over the city. The silence was comforting, both of them eating their way through the giant pepperoni pizza and several glasses of wine. When they finished one bottle, Allen just produced another from the front seat and handed it back to them. 

“Thank you… for tonight,” Raven smiled as he poured her another glass of wine. “I… did really need this. And you didn’t have to.” 

“Don’t mention it. Seemed like you needed this more than I needed a dinner party.” He paused. “So your sister… did she even say happy birthday to you?” 

Raven let out a cold laugh as she took a long sip from her glass. “Nope. But I didn’t expect her to. Told you,” she whispered as her fingers played with the strings on the edge of their blanket. “Just another day. 

“So that’s why you don’t celebrate your birthday? Your mom?” At her startled expression, he shrugged apologetically. “I didn’t hear everythin’ but your sister was talkin’ loud as fuck toward the end. When’d she die?”

Raven sighed. “She died in labor. Had some condition, doctors told her no more kids… she got pregnant by accident. My dad wanted her to have an abortion, she refused. She gave birth and died a couple hours later.”  

“I’m sorry,” he offered quietly, his hand rubbing her thigh. He had tuned out most of their conversation, not wanting to eavesdrop. But the moment he heard frustration and pain in Raven’s voice, he could no longer block it out. He heard every word her sister hurled at her and he hated that they treated her so callously. “And they blame you?” 

She wiped her tears for a moment before muttering. “I blame me.” 

“You were a baby, didn’t ask to be born. How is her choice your fault?” Michael reasoned, hating that she blamed herself for something so out of her control. But he also knew grief was not the most logical of emotions, particularly grief as deep seeded as this.

“My dad could barely look at me as a kid, wanted nothing to do with me beyond keeping me clothed and fed. The only person who didn’t blame me was my grandma, she basically raised me until she passed when I was in middle school. And I get it,” her voice broke slightly with her grief. “If it weren’t for me, my dad would still have his wife and my sister would have a mom. So yea… I was born and she died for that… not much worth celebrating in my book… or anyone’s really.” Her voice trailed off to a soft whisper before she shook her head and rolled her shoulders back as if she could shake out the negative emotions. “But you didn’t bring me to this gorgeous spot to trade childhood trauma. Thank you for helping me take my mind off all that for a bit.” He could tell by her tone that she did not want to discuss it anymore. “I don’t know why you’re so nice to me,” she mumbled as she took another bite of pizza. 

He wrinkled his nose. “Am I not supposed to be?”

“No, no. I just… still waiting for you to be what I’d thought you’d be, I guess. What Tasha warned me you’d be.” 

“And what was that?” 

“An asshole,” she answered bluntly, Michael chuckling as he bowed his head. 

“I am… an asshole,” he admitted. “I’ll never deny that. Couple bad decisions after a bad break up and Hollywood bad boy became the image so I leaned into it. Self-centered, arrogant, cold… Aside from my family, that’s the version of me people see.” 

“But that’s not you.” 

He raised an eyebrow. “How you know? We just met a month ago.” 

She examined him with a soft smile before sitting up a bit straighter. “Because a self centered, arrogant asshole doesn’t do half the things you’ve done for me. You don’t treat me like a body or a business transaction. You treat me like… a friend? Even when you have no reason to. You may be a jerk but hell, plenty of niggas are jerks. You may even be a little selfish, not shocking when the world caters to you. But I think the real you is kind and thoughtful. I don’t know why you don’t want to show the world the side of you I see.” 

“Cause that nigga gets taken advantage of, gets heartbroken.” 

She nodded, she knew more than a thing or two about being taken advantage of. 

“Who was it then?” 

“Hm?” 

“The girl that broke your heart and created this version of you?” 

He let out a humorless chuckle and placed his hand on her knee. “One day, I’ll tell you.” He paused, glancing at her. “I treat you like a friend because I think we are… friends?”

He wanted to be so much more than friends. Every date, every moment with her he realized that more and more. However, if friends was as intimate as their relationship could ever truly be, he would settle for it. Anything, just to have her nearby. 

The small smile on her face turned brighter. “I think we’re friends too.” 

With the declaration of their friendship, both of them laid back against the pillows on their backs so they could stare out of the sunroof at the midnight sky. The sky was so perfectly clear, she could see endless stretches of stars. 

“What made you decide to be a writer?” Michael asked as they laid there. 

“I used to dream of being anywhere but where I was,” she admitted. “Still do most of the time. And when I was a kid, books, particularly fantasy books, were just the one place I could always escape to. Other worlds and lives so vivid so I could leave this one behind for a short while. And they always gave me hope that things could get better, maybe. I wouldn’t get saved by a dazzling prince or whatever. But they made me think things could turn around somehow. But when I was young, so few books had characters who looked like me or were written by women who looked like me.” 

“‘If there’s a book you wanna read, but it hasn’t been written, then you have to write it,’” he quoted the quote she had above her desk in her room. 

“Exactly.” 

“Why’d you stop after one book?” 

She clenched her eyes shut. “Didn’t have much of a choice. A… misunderstanding,” she muttered the word bitterly, “with my editor at my publishing house… and they dropped me, wasn’t able to find another. So I got the job at the library to tide me over till I figured shit out.  That was… about a year and a half ago? Haven’t been able to write much since.”

“A misunderstanding?” He repeated, glancing over at her, his question clear even though he did not explicitly ask it. However, when he felt her body shift uncomfortably next to him, he quickly backtracked. She had already rehashed so much that she did not need to tonight, there was no need to unearth anything else. She kept giving him more puzzle pieces but the picture remained a mystery. However, he could tell that it was one that held as much darkness as it did beauty. 

His hand grasped hers and squeezed. “You ain’t gotta tell me. Add it to the one day list?” 

Her eyes were still closed but he felt her squeeze back. “Thanks.” 

Silence fell over them as they laid there. Michael rarely just laid and did nothing like this. It was contemplative and nice, to simply exist beside her. He spent so much time being on, playing a part or an image. But he liked that he did not have to do that with Raven when they were alone. She let him be Bakari… the version of him that was only safe with his family and closest friends. 

“Tonight… I needed it too,” he offered, ending the silent reprieve. “So thank you for indulgin’ me.”

Raven turned and propped her head up on her hand, turning her body to face his profile. He looked different bathed in the moonlight. He was gorgeous, anyone with eyes could see that. But he seemed more youthful to her, his features more relaxed than they typically were when they were on dates. His jaw was relaxed, his lips settled into a smile that was effortless… not his movie star smile, which she had seen enough times to recognize the nuances that signaled its inauthenticity. This one though, his real smile,… it made him heartbreakingly gorgeous.  

“Thank you for caring about me a-and for today. Haven’t had anyone do that in a long time,” she admitted before settling back on her pillows.

He knew she had that void in her life but hearing her admit it out loud broke his heart in places he was not expecting.

“What about right now?” 

“What about right now?” She asked, her tone filled with confusion. 

“Do you wish you were anywhere else but here right now?” He asked.

She tilted her head to glance at him, finding his eyes trained on her and not on the sky above. She let out a deep breath as she studied him. 

“No, there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.” 

He smiled. “Good.”  

They turned back toward the sunroof, content smiles on both of their faces. They did not talk much beyond that, both of them enjoying the silence and each other’s company. 

She did not even know how much time had passed when something finally broke that precious silence, the buzzing of Michael’s phone. Instinctively, she glanced over and caught a glimpse of his bright screen. Tasha’s name scrolled across, Michael sighing a bit as he sent the call to voicemail. 

Suddenly, Raven felt overwhelmed with discomfort. He was still seeing Tasha… why did that upset her so much? He had never promised not to, at least not to her. So she knew she had no reason to be mad. But she could stop the claws of jealousy from sinking their talons into her heart and soul. And when that subsided, all she felt was inadequacy. Another moment where she was not enough for someone. 

She cleared her throat. “It’s… um kinda late?” she glanced down at her watch before sitting up and sliding out of the back of the car. “L-Looks like you’ve got plans?” She tried to hide the bitterness in her voice but she knew she failed, knew Michael could see all of it.  

Michael shook his head. “Nah, it’s not wh-” 

Raven cut him off. “I have an early shift tomorrow… would hate to oversleep. Mind taking me home?” She did not know why she lied, her shift was not until noon. However, she knew it was an excuse he could not argue with. 

Raven started to walk around to the car door when she felt Michael’s grip around her arm, halting her movements. Michael hated that she saw that. Similar to her, but for entirely different reasons, he had been dodging Tasha’s calls like they were the plague. Usually he reached out to her to set up dates but when two weeks passed with radio silence from her best and most frequent customer, she started calling more often. He met up with her once, an act he regretted the morning after when he woke up. But she had promised discretion, if anyone knew how much of a farce he and Raven’s relationship was, it was Tasha. But he did not even enjoy it in the same way, he felt like he was just going through the motions. So when she reached back out earlier that week to set up another date, he ignored it. And ignored all the subsequent messages. He could not avoid her forever, but he knew he needed to put her on pause until Raven was out of his life and out of his system. While he was drugged up on her, no other fix was as worthy or quite as right. 

But he did not know how to explain that to Raven. He had not promised her exclusivity but it had most certainly been implied. He would not be pleased if he found out another man she had fucked was calling her.

“Tasha and I aren’t…” he started to say but Raven pressed her hand to his chest to stop him. 

“You don’t gotta lie to me. You’re allowed to sleep with other women, Michael. This isn’t real, we’re just friends at the end of the day. All good. I’m really tired though and need to get up early.” 

With that, she gently maneuvered her arm out of his grasp and slid into her seat in the car. She was thankful with every passing mile that took her closer to her apartment and out of his presence. She did not have a right to be upset but she could not change the fact that she was. She enjoyed being his only and she wasn’t, and she was wholly unprepared for how that would make her feel. But that’s what she got, for thinking his feelings for her extended past their business relationship. He was kind but she had signed up to be used and he was getting what he wanted. She had to accept that. 

“Thanks for the ride, Allen,” she said as she opened the door. She fixed her face and offered him a smile that was a bit forced but, despite the end to the night, still was partially genuine. “Thanks for tonight, seriously. I had fun.” His phone buzzed again, causing her to grimace. “And have fun with Tasha. Night, Michael.” She did not let him respond before she let the car door slam shut and she raced inside as fast her legs in her heels could carry her. 

Michael groaned, his head thudding back against the headrest as he looked at his phone screen. 

“I fucked that up, didn’t I?” 

“Wasn’t your shining moment with her, sir.” 

He clenched his hand into a fist before answering the phone. He never wanted to see that look on Raven’s face again and truthfully, he did not care to frequent Tasha anymore. He knew Raven and he had a shelf life that would expire but even when it did, he was not sure he could go back to fucking Tasha like Raven never existed. She had infiltrated every aspect of his being in the last two week and tonight had only made him fall deeper for her, made him want to give her everything she did not have. It was strange to feel this emotion again, to long for someone like he did her. Even if it could not be something long term, he wanted to savor it while he had her. 

But that was not something he was truly ready to admit to himself, let alone to Tasha. So he decided to take the easy road out and blame it on something else: the image and his manager. Tasha would have to respect that, right? And he would spin some lie about seeing her after Raven and he broke up, even though he was not sure if he had the desire for dispassionate, unattached sex in him anymore. 

“Hey Tash,” he muttered coldly into the phone. 

“Hey baby… wanted to see if you wanted to meet up tonight? I miss you,” her voice was sultry and inviting, a voice that, once upon a time, would have had him racing through LA to get to a hotel with her. But today, it did nothing. “And a little birdie told me you were headed to Paris in two weeks for press. Should I pack a bag?” 

Michael rolled his eyes. That was his own fault. He flew her out once last year to Cannes Film Festival and now she thought she was invited on every trip. There was only one person he wanted to take on this trip with him and after tonight, he was not even sure she’d say yes. 

“Yea… listen Tash. You know how I feel about you. But I can’t see you anymore… just for a few months.” 

“What?? Why?” 

He rolled his eyes, she knew why. “Well, you know… I got this relationship with Raven that is really important for my career and I can’t be seen with other women. We’re gonna have an amicable split in a few months and then I’m all yours again. But until then, we gotta keep our distance.” 

He could hear the frustration and bitterness in her voice, though she tried and failed to hide it. “You’re my best customer, Michael. You can’t just… drop me outta nowhere.” 

“It’s just temporary. Just a couple months. And I’ll send you some money to tide you over till you get a new client. Also means no Paris. Sorry, I just really gotta focus on cleaning up the image over the next few months. You understand, don’t you? You know you’ll always be my favorite girl.”

There was a long pause that made Michael check to ensure the call had not been disconnected. 

“Yea I understand. Just a few months though, right? Then you’re droppin’ the new girl?” 

Michael rolled his eyes before nodding, though she could not see him. “Of course, baby. Just a couple months and then she’s gone. Promise.” 

They shared a few pleasantries before Michael hung up and prayed she did not call him again for a while. His fingers itched to text or call Raven and explain. But something stopped him, the part of him that still adamantly rejected his feelings toward her roaring. He did not owe her an explanation, he did not owe her anything but the money he paid for her dates. She did not ask for an explanation either so why would he volunteer one? Those two parts of him battled until he threw his phone to the side in frustration. 

He sighed and took a deep breath as Allen pulled up in front of his family home in the hills, his oasis, Raven’s perfume still lingering in the car… that hint of lavender danced on his nose. He fell asleep with that phantom smell haunting him, Raven finding ways to pop up in every dream he had that night, leaving him no escape from her or his feelings for her. 

***

“Here you go.” Michael handed her an envelope filled with cash. “I’ll be gone by the time you wake up.” 

Raven nodded and stored it in her overnight bag before grabbing her clutch. They were finally alone after being poked and prodded all afternoon by his stylist and glam teams to get ready for the premiere. They had ten minutes before the car would be there to take them. And then Michael would be jetting off at an ungodly hour to New York and then Paris for press. Raven was actually a bit sad to see him go. 

Though they never discussed the Tasha debacle from her birthday two weeks prior, she and Michael were slowly but surely getting closer and closer each day. They had had an event or something to go to almost every night, Raven was shocked at the amount of money she had been able to make in such a short window of time. Even helping her sister with her lawyer, she felt as if she could actually breathe easy for the first time in a while. And on the nights they were not together, they generally texted or talked on the phone at some point. They hadn’t had sex again, Raven finding any and all excuses to avoid that since he was still seeing Tasha. He never pushed or seemed angry, albeit a bit disappointed when every date ended with her asking Allen to take her home. It was petty she knew it but she did not care. She had no interest in competing with Tasha, she knew who would win every time. 

“Thanks.” 

“You sure you’re gonna be good while I’m gone?” 

Raven glanced at him and rolled her eyes as she threw her lipstick in her clutch. She did not quite understand how the small bag was even functional, it did not even fit her ID. But Michael’s stylist said it fit the look so she did not question it. “Don’t flatter yourself, Mr. Jordan. I’ll be just fine without you for a few weeks.” 

Michael came up behind her and laughed. “You ain’t gotta pretend like you ain’t gon’ miss me, baby girl. I mean… you know, financially. I’m in New York for a week then Paris for a week. That’s a while without dates. I can slide you some extra if you need it.” 

Raven bristled at the idea, she did not want him to view her as a charity case. 

“No,” she responded shortly, immediately regretting the sharp edge in her tone as his face fell. “S-Sorry. No, thank you but I’m good.” 

“Even after your sister’s legal shit or whatever?” 

She let out a small huff. “Yea… she managed to pick the most expensive lawyer below the damn Mason Dixon line but I got it covered, I think. And with this,” she gestured toward her bag. “I’m good on the other stuff too. Seriously, you shouldn’t worry yourself about my finances. I always figure it out.”  

He grabbed her wrist to stop her from walking away from him.

“It ain't charity or worry. Don’t want you stressin’ and shit while I’m gone. And I like to know my friends and everyone on my team are good. You’re both… why would I treat you any differently?” 

“I just don’t want you to feel like you have to take care of me. Or fix my problems.”

“You’re here fixin’ my problems. I can’t  return the favor?”

“Because… that’s not what we agreed to. This is a job, you pay me… we go out. That’s it. My family shit has no part in this and isn’t your concern. I’ll deal with them.” 

“Why do you?” At her raised eyebrow, he added, “Deal with that?” 

“You don’t give up on your family. You reach out your hand even when they swat it away. And one day, they’ll see all I’ve done for them and how much I love them and they’ll come around.” 

“Seems to me that you let them bleed you dry as if it’ll pay whatever debt you think you owe them. And they seem content with lettin’ you bleed out in the street.” 

She chuckled mirthlessly. “They’re all I got… so I don’t have much of a choice. It’ll pay off. All of it,” she forced more conviction in her voice. “One day.” 

“You really believe that?” 

She turned to look at him. He could tell there was genuine hope in her eyes, true belief that things would get better. A dreamer, indeed. 

“Yea… I have to.” 

“I dunno... There’s gotta be better out there for you… you certainly deserve better.” There was a not-so-small part of him, a part that grew with every moment he spent with her, that desperately wanted to be that more for her. 

“This world is filled with people who deserve better, Michael. But we’re stuck with the hand we’re dealt until better comes along. And I don’t see any better hands coming my way. Just a long game of this shitty hand,” she whispered the last part under her breath as she checked herself in the mirror once more. She grabbed her clutch and started toward the door. “You ready? Car should be here, right?” 

He hated how resigned she was to her fate and treatment. He had more than enough money to give his family and friends, more than enough for them to take advantage of if they chose and none of them did. Raven had none of that and still gave her last to people that clearly did not appreciate it. And to know, she had every intention of doing it under some misguided belief they would thank her for it later broke his heart. It reminded him of how pure and kind-hearted she was but he knew her efforts would likely be wasted. But he would have loved to be proven wrong. 

He did not know her family so he knew it was wrong to judge them but all he felt was red hot anger. Quite frankly, the only benefit he saw to the reality that this arrangement was fake was that he would not have to meet her family himself. He did not know if he could even sit in the same room with them. 

“Before we go… got somethin’ for you.”

Raven raised an eyebrow, “I don’t need a gift. It’s your special night.” 

“Yea but wanted to give you somethin’ to remember me by. It benefits both of us, don’t worry.” His face was a sly smirk that told her the gift was not a normal one. “But first, Tasha and I aren’t hookin’ up anymore.” 

“Michael… you don’t have to…” 

He shook his head and interrupted her. “Nope. You didn’t let me finish that night and you’ve been weird about it ever since. So now, I’m talkin’ and you’re gonna listen. It’s ok to be annoyed. We should be exclusive. I called her and put that shit on pause until our arrangement is done. We’ve only hooked up once since we started dating and it was early on. But either way, you don’t gotta worry about her callin’ or me seein’ her while I’m with you. I got my hands full with you anyway,” he winked at her. 

Raven tried to limit the smile that wanted to blossom at his words. She was happy to hear she was not “competing” with Tasha as she thought. It was a narrative her own insecurities and anxieties created and fueled, a narrative that now seemed foolish. She still did not know why it mattered so much to her. Or rather, she knew, but she would never admit it out loud. 

“So we’re good?” 

“Y-Yea we’re good. Wasn’t worried,” she lied, trying to make her voice sound aloof and unbothered. She did not know why she bothered, she supposed she did not want her pride to be anymore damaged than it already was. 

Michael merely pursed his lips and chuckled before nodding toward the bed. “So you ready to be my slut again or am I still on pause?” 

Raven smiled. “I’m all yours.” 

“Good. Lay down for me, panties to the side.” 

Raven laid back on the bed, hiking up her dress to her waist so she could part her legs. She pulled her thong to the side, Michael licking his lips as he took in the mess between her thighs. 

“Already so wet for me. You missed me too, huh? This is gonna be fun,” he muttered to himself as he pulled a gold vibrator out of his pocket before sitting on the bed beside her, careful not to ruffle his perfectly-tailored tuxedo. 

He wasted no time sliding the vibrator inside her, Raven moaning lightly at the intrusion, the way his finger brushed against her clit. She wanted more, desperately. Her hips rolled to find his touch, his hand, her body begging for more action. But he denied her. His other hand fiddled with something small that looked like a remote control. 

“Know what this is?” 

“No, sir.” 

“It’s the controller. Tonight, you’re gonna keep that in you and I’m gonna have a little fun with this.” 

Raven let out a shaky breath. “Y-You expect me to keep this in… while we’re at a movie premiere? No way.” 

He nodded, a mischievous grin in his eye. “I recall you wanting to explore some fantasies. You tellin’ me sex in public ain’t one you’ve had?” 

She bit her lip as she contemplated it. The idea was certainly an intriguing one… but the risks?? 

“When would you use that?” 

“Whenever I want. That’s the fun part… for me anyway. And you’re gonna spend the night making sure that sexy ass face when you cum isn’t plastered across TMZ tomorrow.” 

Raven shook her head. “I dunno, Michael. I’m all for risk but this seems insane.” 

He let out an exaggerated sigh, his voice playful and teasing. “I thought you’d be up for it, thought you wanted to have fun but I understand if you’re too scared.” 

She heard the challenge in his voice. He was testing her, trying to see if she was really up for anything. She could not deny that the idea was intriguing. Having her orgasms at his mercy in public? Per usual with him, she knew she could say no. But as she ran over the risks, all she could think of was the thrill of it. She wanted it. She hated that she wanted it and hated that he knew she wanted it. But she did. 

She sat up and swung her legs off the bed. She clenched her muscles to ensure the new addition to her ensemble stayed tucked where it needed to be and she shimmied the delicate fabric of her gown back down to its proper place. 

“Car’s waiting,” she offered with a smirk as she grabbed her purse and walked out of his bedroom, deciding then and there that she would win whatever game he was playing tonight, and would show him that she was indeed up for any and everything. 

Michael watched her ass sway as she exited and smiled. 

“Gonna have a lot of fun with this.” 

***

Raven was so overwhelmed by the screaming fans and reporters and flashing lights that she almost forgot about the “gift” nestled in her core. She kept her smile bright as she and Michael started down the red carpet, his arm tightly wrapped around her waist. 

He looked down at her like the perfect image of a doting boyfriend, with love and protection in his eyes. He played the role so well, Raven almost caught herself falling for the act. But she supposed that was a good thing because it made her glances back at him more genuine. She knew they looked like the picture perfect couple, every gossip site raved about them after every date. She knew tonight would be no different. 

She was so focused on keeping her smile intact and her eyes from blinking too much as they stood on the red carpet that she failed to notice Michael slip his hand into his pocket. Her smile faltered for just a second as she felt the device come alive, sending shock waves directly against her g-spot. It was a steady soft buzz, just enough to make her feel it, causing the heat to rise throughout her body. But it was not enough to overwhelm her.  

Once she got over the initial surprise of the vibration, she was able to recompose herself with ease. She played off the change in her expression by adjusting something on her dress and continued posing with him.

Minutes passed and the vibration continued at its low pace, Raven enjoying the small jolts of pleasure. This was what she was supposed to be worried about? This was a piece of cake.

She leaned in and kissed him softly on the cheek before turning her head from the cameras and whispering in his ear, “This is easier than I thought it’d be.”

Michael let out a deep laugh as if she had told a funny joke and pecked her sweetly on the nose, continuing their slow march down the carpet. 

Raven genuinely felt like she could deal with that all night as she listened to Michael give an interview. She remained tucked at his side with a smile on her face. The interviewer did not really ask her any questions, thank God. So she just smiled and concentrated on keeping her thighs together. 

“So Raven, I have to say, you look gorgeous. Who are you wearing?” 

“Th-” her words were cut short as the vibration pattern changed, this time a long vibration that steady increased before pulsing against her g-spot and starting over again. She coughed awkwardly, pretending as if she had swallowed wrong before saying. “T-thanks. V-versace.” 

Her answer was clipped and short, afraid her words would betray her if she opened her mouth. This was far different, this was ecstasy. Each vibration felt like the slowest, most tantalizing march up a mountain before someone pushed her back toward the bottom to do it all over again. And that pulse at the top? It sent a shockwave through her that made her see stars. Each time, she felt her fingers grip the fabric of Michael’s tuxedo jacket harder. The longer it droned on, the more her legs started to shake. 

“You ok, baby?” he asked sweetly, kissing her on the cheek innocently. 

“Y-Yea, of course.” 

“You two are so cute. Thanks for chatting with me and I can’t wait to see the film.” 

Michael said his goodbyes to the interviewer before guiding Raven away. 

“What’s harder?” he whispered in her ear as they walked inside the venue. He stopped her in the corner of the giant atrium before they walked into the screening room and tucked her against a wall in a corner. Only official photographers were allowed at this point. To anyone passing by, they just looked like a couple having a sweet moment.

“W-what?” She found even such a simple word laborious to get out and it sounded more like a moan than a word. With him mostly covering her body from view, she could not stop the way her hips rolled as the setting changed again. The pattern was the same but the cycle was faster, the intensity overwhelming as he  increased it to the next setting. 

“What’s harder?” he leaned in and whispered in her ear so lowly she almost could not hear her. “Keepin’ that pretty smile on your face when all you wanna do is close your eyes and bite your lip while you cum? Hidin’ your moans so no one here knows you’re a loud filthy slut? Or stoppin’ yourself from beggin’ me to fuck you in the bathroom over there?” 

She felt as if her entire body was in a frenzy. It was not just the vibrator, it was his hands gently pressing her to the wall innocently, it was the courses of people walking by them having no clue that she was on the cusp of the greatest pleasure of her life, it was that she could not stop it or him if he decided he wanted her to cum right then and there in front of everyone. 

“A-all… of it,” she whispered, her face burying itself in the nook of his neck, which helped hide the pleasure swimming in her eyes but only increased it as she took in his scent. His signature cologne had become intoxicating to her. 

“You wanna cum for daddy, baby?” His words were a light whisper that they knew could not be heard over the conversations and music playing throughout the hallway. 

It was taking everything in her not to collapse in front of him, his arm around her waist was the only thing keeping her standing. Her legs were pure jello, every inch of her body was on fire, boiling with pleasure and humiliation at being brought to orgasm at the nicest event she’d ever been to in her life. All she wanted to do was cum but she did not trust herself to hide it. 

“P-Please…” she whispered. She did not know if that please was to stop or to keep going. 

Michael smirked as he felt her hips buck against his again. She was so close, he could see it in her eyes, feel it in the way her hips ground against nothing but air. It was subtle, not obvious to anyone else from the angle they stood at but he could feel it. 

“Beg.” He demanded. 

She clenched her eyes closed. All she wanted was to fall over this particular edge, right then and right now. She was so close, so close, it was almost agonizing to hold it in until he gave her permission. She glanced down as his finger hovered over the button to increase the setting again, knowing that she could not will him to hit that button. She would have to give him exactly what he wanted, what he always wanted. Submission. 

“P-Please… m-make me cum,” she muttered in his ear. “I-I need… it… p-please.” Tears stung in her eyes as she struggled to fight the urge to let go right then and there, hearing her own needy voice in the space. 

“Hm.” he offered quietly. “I don’t think you deserve it.” And with that, the vibration stopped completely. 

Raven could not stop the groan that escaped her lips as he stole her orgasm, her body screaming and protesting at her in pain at the sudden loss of pleasure. 

She let out a soft gasp as she glanced up at him. “You mother-” 

He leaned forward and kissed her deeply, completely silencing her. Raven’s entire body fell into his as they kissed, she could hear the soft snapping of a camera nearby on her right side. 

He offered her the sweetest smile before leaning to her left so the camera could not catch what he was saying.

“If you wanna cum at all tonight, I wouldn’t finish that sentence.” He straightened up and pressed his lips to her forehead, his arm still around her waist. His voice returned to a normal volume as he fixed her hair and ran his hand over the front of her dress. He looked like he was helping her adjust herself but he also wanted to make sure there was no evidence of their crimes. “It’s time for us to go to our seats. You ready?” 

Raven felt like she had whiplash from the last 5 minutes. He was good, far better than she gave him credit for at these games. She thought this was just going to be a fun experiment. But Michael never did anything small. And she was foolish to underestimate him. 24 hours ago, she would have never thought she would enjoy something like this. But now? She could play this game all night long, even though she was losing miserably. 

She peeled herself off the wall, her own hands running against the bodice of her dress. Her legs still felt a bit wobbly so she wrapped her arm in Michael’s to steady herself. She nodded and allowed him to lead her into the theater. 

She barely paid attention to the movie as she spent the entire two hours watching Michael like a hawk. Every time he shifted in his seat or moved one of his hands, she wondered if he was going to turn the vibrator back on. Halfway through the film, she realized it was not because she was dreading it. She wanted him to. She was internally willing him to turn the stupid thing back on, even if it was only at its lowest setting. Because even at the lowest setting, she knew she was sensitive enough to get where she wanted to be. She wanted to feel the tidal wave of pleasure, she wanted to drown in and bask in it and feel the adrenaline of doing so in public. Besides, the dark theater seemed like the perfect time if he truly wanted to push her completely over the edge. When she wasn’t praying to God that he would turn it on, she was wishing it was his fingers or his dick filling her and not a toy. 

She needed him so bad and truth be told, would have begged him to fuck her right then and there if they weren’t surrounded by hundreds of people. 

However, nothing happened. He paid her no attention throughout the entire film except for the hand that rested on her thigh. The minutes ticked on and on and on as the cast went up on stage to say a few words when the film ended. By the time they finally finished and were in the car to the afterparty, she was a horny, disgruntled mess. 

She kept her eyes trained on the window, even though it was tinted, when she felt Michael slide into the seat next to her. Two could play the ignoring game, she decided. 

His hand slid into the slit of her dress, pushing the expensive material to the side so he could have full access. When she did not part her legs for him immediately, he let out a disgruntled growl that was meant to be a command. She pretended she did not hear him and ignored it. 

He merely shook his head and laughed. “Aight, baby girl.” He pushed her knees apart with his hands, it took everything in her not to moan and keep her face stoic. 

His fingers immediately slid into her panties, the heat of her arousal hiting his skin before he even made contact with her body. He caressed soft circles into her clit. She gave him nothing, no moans, no humping into his hand. Nothing. So he upped the ante and turned the device on to the highest setting it had available. 

“Fuck!” She cried out, unable to keep it in as her body was assaulted with pleasure. The vibrator was more than enough to make her cum but adding his thumb against her clit was just simply unfair in her opinion. 

His free hand grasped her chin, firmly but loose enough that it was not painful and forced her eyes on him. Her breathing was heavy as she felt pleasure building fast in her core. Tears pricked her eyes, not from pain, but overwhelming, soul shattering pleasure, “You wanted me to make you cum in that theater, didn't you? In front of all those people like the filthy whore you are? Didn’t you? Upset that I ignored you? But guess what, baby girl?” he switched the setting to a lower one to keep her on the cusp of pleasure without sending her over. 

She let out a soft sob of agony as he held her there, suspended right at the cusp of her orgasm. This was more tortuous than him stopping cold turkey because she was so close she could taste it. And he kept it just out of reach. Every pulse, every caress of his finger was so much and overwhelming but still was not enough. And there was nothing she could do to force him to give her more. 

“Your body is mine, your pleasure is mine. And I decide when to fuck you, when you cum, when you suck my dick… I decide when you’ve been good… when you’ve been bad and what to do about it. It’s all mine. You can ignore me all you want but see how quickly you fell apart? You can’t win against me, baby girl. Daddy always wins. You understand?” 

She nodded rapidly, her body shaking lightly as she teetered on the edge, pleasure was consuming her every cell. She could barely think of anything but the raging inferno in her core.  “I-I understand. P-Please…” her voice broke. She felt as if she would quite literally perish if she did not come soon. He had never kept her on edge this long, a few seconds sure. But time was stretching into minutes. 

“You think you deserve it?” 

She didn’t deserve it, she knew the answer he wanted. “N-No, no… I’ve b-been bad, a bad girl. I d-deserve to be punished b-but I’m begging you… l-let me cum. I c-can’t… P-please,” her voice begged him for mercy. 

Deciding that she would pass out if he continued this game any farther, he pressed the button to return it to its highest setting. Her scream was nearly inaudible as she came on his fingers, her body shook as she gripped the door handle, shuddering through an intense orgasm. 

“That’s it, cum for me,” he whispered in her ear. “That’s a good girl…” 

“Thank you, t-thank you,” she babbled back to him as he talked her through her orgasm. He turned the vibrator off completely, finally giving her a break. 

“Allen, circle the block a few times.” 

“Yes, sir.” 

At the sound of Allen’s voice, Raven’s eyes flew open and shock and humiliation set in. She had just cum… with another person in the car. And she had completely forgotten he was there. Once Michael had started going, the presence of another human being in their vicinity had completely vanished. She glanced up, surprised to find the limo divider up. She didn't even know when that happened. However, she knew that that barrier was not sound proof. However, instead of being utterly turned off by that idea, it just turned her on more. 

“You like knowing Allen heard you?” Michael whispered in her ear. 

“No,” she shot back as she fixed her dress and used the compact mirror she had stored in the limo before the premiere to fix her makeup. Thankfully she still looked pristine, despite feeling physically depleted. She did not know how she and Michael went round after round when one orgasm made her want to cuddle up under the covers and fall asleep. 

“I keep tellin’ you how much I hate lies. But you never listen. Might think because we have a long night and I got an early mornin’ that you’ll escape punishment. But you won’t. Means I have a couple weeks to think of the perfect punishment for such… insubordination.” 

“Don't threaten me with a good time,” she offered with a sweet smile and a wink that made him laugh. 

He did not get a chance to retort when Allen pulled up at the venue of the after party. He gave Raven a once over before getting out of the limo and grasping her hand. He longed to bury himself inside her but he knew he did not have time, at least not enough time to satisfy the urges he had. And while he would toy with public sex, this was not the venue or event to be caught fucking in the bathroom, as much as he wanted to. 

No, he supposed he would just deal with cold showers for two weeks until he could fuck her again, and spank her until she begged for mercy. Her pleas had done something to him, sweet music to his ears. The perfect orchestra. And he would use every free moment of the next few weeks to think of ways to get that sound again. 

***

Michael rubbed his eyes as he scrolled through his email. He knew he would sleep well on the plane. He hated the first thing in the morning flights but he knew they were the only way to keep up with his crazy press schedule. 

“We’ve arrived, Mr. Jordan,” Allen called from the front seat, Michael immediately hopping out. Allen grabbed his sea of bags as he waved at his castmates who were also just arriving to the tarmac. 

“Thanks, man. See you when I get back. Make sure Rae gets home ok today, aight? Then enjoy your time off.” 

“Thank you, sir,” Allen responded as he handed off his bags to the baggage attendants who would ensure they made it onto the plane. 

Michael started to walk away and head to the flight when he heard his name behind him. 

“Mr. Jordan!” Allen called after him, causing Michael to turn around. The older man jogged up to him. “A word of advice? If I am not overstepping my bounds?” 

Michael nodded, allowing the man to continue. Allen rarely spoke, he was the type who liked to do his job quietly and fade into the background.  And he preferred to keep it professional with Michael though there were a few topics they could shoot the shit over while in the car like basketball and the like. But Michael knew that meant Allen likely knew more about him than anyone else on this planet, which meant he would have been a fool not to hear him out. 

“Avoiding love and companionship, even when it is right there waiting for you to take it, will never bring you happiness. And some would say such an ill-guided venture was foolish and selfish, particularly when the world is filled with people like Ms. Turner who love and seek out love with their whole souls and it's denied to them at every turn. And you may be a bit selfish, Mr. Jordan,” Allen admitted. “But I never pegged you as foolish.” 

“What’re you sayin’?” 

“I’m saying that it does not matter how this whole thing between the two of you started. It only matters how you end it. And whether you are brave enough to admit to her and yourself that perhaps you don’t want it to end at all.” Allen patted him on the arm before taking a step back. “There’s no reward for loneliness, Mr. Jordan… no Oscar to win for denying yourself more when you know you want it. The only prize those actions will give you is a lifetime of regret. And I believe you’re living a life too bright to have it dimmed by regrets.” he paused. “I hope I have not overstepped too much. But… well, there was a time a decade or two ago when I would’ve liked someone to overstep and tell me that.” 

Michael stared at him for a few moments before he nodded. After his last very public and embarrassing breakup, he vowed never to fall in love again. Years of women warming his bed before he kicked them out before sunrise. He got what he wanted and gave nothing of himself… to any of them. But Raven… from the moment he watched her staring out that window, he gave without even realizing how much he had given. And now, he felt things for her that he had not felt for a woman in so long. Hell, he wondered if he had ever felt this strongly for another person in his entire life. He wanted more… not a contract or a business dealing. He wanted her. Was he being utterly foolish by pretending that was not the case? 

 “You did… overstep.” His tone was a bit cold but he was unsurprised at how Allen did not backtrack or shrink. He said his piece, called him out and was willing to accept whatever the consequences of that were. “But maybe I need more people to do that. Will you do me a couple favors when you go back to the penthouse to pick up Raven?” 

“Anything, sir.” 

***

Raven groaned as she turned over in Michael’s soft bed. She had fallen asleep in his master bedroom alone, as she always did when they slept here. He always took the guest room. She wondered if she should be more sad that they slept separately but she agreed that that was not intimacy either one of them truly needed. She groped around the bed for her phone, groaning when she realized it was already 11 a.m. Thankfully, she had another two hours before her shift but she knew she needed to hurry up so she could get home and change into her real clothes, not the fancy designer ones she kept there. 

She pulled herself out of bed and stretched, part of her sad that Michael opted to go to sleep instead of fucking her. She understood he had an early day but she could not deny that all she wanted was for him to bend her into a pretzel after that orgasm in the car. But last night was, for the most part, strictly work. They did not get home and go to bed until 3 am and he had to get up shortly thereafter to catch his flight. And now she was left with nothing but a vibrator and fantasies of him to occupy her until he returned. But he had succeeded in giving her something to remember him by. She walked into the kitchen to grab a glass of water, rubbing her eyes as she dragged her feet across the hardwood floors.

Michael gave her free reign of his penthouse, even when he was not there. She did not spend the night there often but she had started to learn her way around, figure out where the sparse things he kept there were. A few dishes, a couple glasses, a fridge filled with coconut water and little food. When she slept there, so did he. But she had never really stopped to wonder where he spent the rest of his time. She guessed he had some giant mansion in the hills like every other star. But she wondered if that one was just as cold as this one, just as void of comfort and love, just as sterile. 

She guessed it was not. Otherwise, he would have her come there. No, that one was the sanctuary for the real him, she imagined it was warm and overflowing with his favorite things. Japanese anime artifacts and art and memorabilia and his awards and family photos and all the things that meant something to him. And this one was merely for his image, sterile and artificial. 

She blinked a couple of times, shocked to find a neat and perfectly packaged gift bag waiting on the counter with a long envelope sitting up against it. 

She sucked her teeth and chuckled, “This nigga. I thought I said no gifts,” she muttered to herself as she grabbed a glass of water and sat at the barstool. Part of her contemplated not opening it. What had he even given her a gift for? Her birthday was weeks ago. But her desire to know what he got her won out. 

She went to the envelope first, her name written in handwriting far too nice to be Michael’s on the front. She flipped it over and smiled as the person had written on the back: Open me last :) 

“On the other side of the damn country and still giving commands.” 

And you’re still following them, she imagined his voice shooting back at her as she placed the thick envelope to the side and reached into the bag. She made quick work of discarding the multi-colored gift bag paper to reveal two books. She pulled the first one out. 

“Whoa,” she muttered as she took in a first edition copy of I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. She turned it over in her hands, mouth agape as she studied it. It was beautiful and she knew it cost a pretty penny.  

Her hand reached into the bag and pulled out a book she knew all too well. Her own. An odd gift, she thought, though she supposed it was sweet that he went looking for it in the first place. She wondered how he found it as she published under a pseudonym but she imagined a man with his resources could find out almost anything he wanted with time. 

She flipped it open as she sat back down on her bed, a smaller envelope the size of a card falling out of it. He had stuck it in on the acknowledgements page, which read: From one dreamer to another. 

She opened Michael’s card and took in his handwriting. 

Thank you for sharing what you did with me on your birthday. I know the day isn’t easy. And apologies that this gift was so late - but I figured this was a loophole in the no gifts rule if you got it weeks later? And it took some time to track down your book. You didn’t make it easy. I’m looking forward to reading it on my flight. I generally agree with everything you say but I would disagree with one thing you said that night. The first time we met, you said Maya Angelou’s book saved you and gave you hope. I’m sure somewhere in this world, a young girl is reading your book and it’s doing the same for her. That’s something good that came out of October 15: the world got you. And that’s worth celebrating in my opinion. 

I hope, one day, you see that too.

Happy Birthday

Michael 

Raven let the tears that streamed down her face fall, one of them splashing against the glossy cover of her book. She wiped it away before rereading his card over and over again. She hated how he seemed to see her, really see her, and everything she truly needed. There he was again, caring more than anyone else, more than he should have, even when she was mad at him.  It just made her want him for every reason she shouldn’t. She should want to fuck him… she should want his money… That was all she signed up to get. A few months of cash and to let him dick her down better than she ever had been before. All her problems and loneliness solved, at least temporarily.

Instead, her heart and soul were slipping deep into dangerous territory, he was dangerous territory. She still tried to force herself to resist it, her body hanging by a rope that was fraying at the middle as if an invisible force was taking an ax to it. And she did not know if she wanted to scramble back onto the ledge or let herself fall.

After a few minutes, she picked up the other envelope and slid the folded up pieces of paper out of it. The first one made her gasp… a flight confirmation for a first class ticket to Paris dated for one week from today. The second page was a short list of the things she should pack.  And the third was her hotel confirmation, a suite at a hotel she could not even pronounce but one quick google search let her know it was one of the nicest and most expensive hotels the city had to offer. 

The last page only contained two sentences in Michael’s handwriting. 

I hope you have a passport. See you in one week.

Raven spread the pages out on the counter, her face paralyzed in shock. 

“What the actual fuck?” She examined all of them, rereading as if the information on them would vanish or change right before her eyes. But the flight confirmation had her name on it, the hotel room… her name. It was all there in black and white. He was inviting her to Paris. 

“I should say no…” she spoke to herself, a false ring of conviction in her voice. “I can’t accept this.” Her internal debate raged as she paced up and down by the kitchen island, her eyes studying the papers with each pass. 

You know you want to, the devil on her shoulder reasoned. And fuck, did she want to. It’s fun… when’s the last time we took a trip or did anything fun? 

She had never wanted to accept anything as badly as she wanted to accept this. She chewed on her lip so hard she was surprised she did not draw blood as she debated and debated. Until her phone buzzed with a text from Mr. Surprises himself.

Michael: damn you sleep late as hell. 

Michael: Am I gonna see you in Paris in a week?

Raven: This was a huge gamble… What if I didn’t have a passport? 🤔

Michael: It was a huge gamble but not because of the passport. Consider it PTO… Come live a little. 

Michael: So did my gamble pay off or nah? 

She read through the papers one more time, deciding then and there that she was 100% going to Paris. Even her pride could not allow her to deny herself this experience. However, she decided to make him sweat a little, though she doubted he actually would. 

Raven: I guess you’ll find out in seven days. Thanks for the gift.  

Raven locked her phone before chuckling to herself. She grabbed her phone and the itinerary page and let out an excited squeal and did a happy dance before she raced off to her closet. She had a trip to pack for. 

Tag list: @readinghere2023 @blackerthings @prettyisasprettydoes1306 @physicxal @purplehairgawdess @miyuhpapayuh @rueruesclues @geemamii @certifiedlesbianbaddie @pipsqueak-98 @nyifly22 @destinio1 @twocentaur @gopaperless @musicisme333@roguekiki @majesticbrownjawn @taurusqueen83 @mysteryuz @miamormilan @itsknor-thedeep @naj-ay444 @mads-grace4 @nayaesworld @kholdkill @msniaimani @nccu-rnc

***

A/N: Wellllllllll… a lot happened! A little angst, a little fluff, a little smut lol just gave y'all the full spectrum of things. And it wouldn't be one of my fics if I didn't give you a character or two to despise along the way lol

Next chapter, we go to Paris, which not gonna lie… that wasn't in the OG outline of this haha but inspiration struck and now I'm very excited lol Drop a comment and let me know all your thoughts lol Thanks for reading!

[86future]

Finished rewatching Devilman Crybaby this time w the added context of having actually read Devilman and while I enjoyed it more this time round (I deeply h8ed it my first watch lol) all my criticism still stands! Some of it is a matter of personal taste IE I dislike the designs but even within that there’s some objectivity—I think the way the show draws and animates bodies can be quite uncomfortable when you take into account how animalistic it makes Akira, who is notably tanner than Ryo who is like pale and prim and In Control of his emotions. I suppose this is contrasted w him being literally Satan but it still feels gross. Speaking of: darker skin tones were rly gray and washed out and that sucks. Idk I think the show is pretty weird about race in general! The rap stuff was rly cool as a device but also complicated this further. Also wtf was up w Ryo and that like… was it a native tribe? Idk. Strange stuff!

I think also that Devilman absolutely is a series that needs to have a lot of sex and violence bc that’s sort of what made it so huge in the 70s—it was some of the most violent shit ppl had seen! But I think that for a show made in 2018 u can’t rly do that just for the sake of having a lot sex and violence. You should prolly be trying to actually say smth w it this time lol. So idk a lot of that fell flat for me! However I do think there were times were it tried to do smth—I think the arc w the guy who takes pics of teen girls modeling bikini outfits and him also being the guy who films Akira’s transformation and that video being viewed w the photos of the girls behind it was rly rly rly fascinating. Esp w Ryo also having a lot of moments where he’s recording Akira and keeping tabs on him. The use of cameras and voyeurism was really cool and I wish we’d gotten more of it.

I thought some of the changes + new stuff were interesting and actually added quite a bit! I thought the old Devilman tv show existing in-universe was so fucking cool. And I’m glad Miki had more to do lol and the stuff w her and Miko added another layer—the manga rly only focuses on Ryo and Akira and yea Miki’s there but doesn’t get to be a character bc yk. 70s manga. So that was nice I liked her :) she’s my friend. And Ryo and Akira actually being childhood friends this time was p interesting. The stuff w the super high schooler being gay and Akira trying to get thru to him w that also was rly good imo

I think prolly my biggest criticism tonally is that, like…. wasn’t Ryo Asuka. He’s one of the most iconic chars ever so I think you rlyyyy need to get him right in order to pull devilman off and I don’t think show did! Idk I think Ryo was p cruel the whole time so when he regained his memories there wasn’t rly a shift. In the manga when Ryo outs Akira as a devilman on natl television it’s this sort of insane moment and it doesn’t hit as hard in Crybaby bc Ryo has just been clearly evil this whole time instead of legitimately not knowing/understanding his own nature. Like in the manga he does have this vague struggle against his instincts also when he Does remember it’s a deeply compelling moment of him looking at baby pics of himself and not recognizing them—I get why that can’t rly happen in Crybaby bc of the new context but it does just make that moment much less interesting. But yea idk Ryo was sorta acting like he had his memories back the whole time (which if that was the Choice being made I was willing to walk w it! I don’t think adaptations need to be identical to the source material if they’re doing smth new and effective) but he didn’t sooooooo that was disappointing

The ending still made me sad tho. Point there I suppose. Also were they tryna do an End of Evangelion thing w the Red Sea and purple sky beach thing and ryokira laying next to each other….? Fascinating. I mean that’s fun bc Evangelion was deeply influenced by Devilman (so much so that it’s on the Wikipedia lmfao). Anyway

ALSO. It wasn’t funny. One thing ab Devilman is that it’s lowkey so fucking funny and Crybaby was just kinda like dreary. Idk… it was fun ig but liiiiike I hope we get a proper devilman adaptation one day

PS yea the show was clearly purposefully gay but it’s a little nuts they cut the “you fell in love w Akira Fudo” moment and didn’t rly replace it w anything like ig that’s not rly needed but bro they put that shit there in 1973 you’d think a 2018 adaptation would do a lil more there lol

[starlightandetherealshadows]

How high are the ro's libido? 🤤 and with who did they have their first time? do they still see them or talk to them?

Oooo let’s see,

I’m getting sleepy so I apologize for my potential rambling. Might edit this in the morning cuz I’m half delusional with exhaustion

Ayana/Adriel: lowest sex drive of the RO’s, but it isn’t necessarily low in general. They like equal balances of sexual and non sexual intimacy. A likes to wait until they’re done a few dates, had an emotional connection at a minimum level before taking someone to bed. Sex isn’t high on their priority list, anyway. Doesn’t mean they don’t really enjoy it. First time was with Leila Malone, in the summer between 11th and 12th grade. Short lived summer fling, they still follow each other on IG.

Cecelia/Chase: medium libido, first time was with their first girlfriend Amber and it was very awkward but in like a sweet way. They don’t talk to Amber anymore, but if the two ever run into each other, they’re cordial. It takes C a while and a high friendship level for them to begin to feel sexual attraction, but after that, yea they’re down for a good time. Because they’re less experienced, sex stresses them out a bit because they’re hyper focused on being “good at it” rather than enjoying themselves.

Zero: a virgin (had their first kiss at 20..with V), and doesn’t it know it yet but they have a high libido. Sex makes them feel very vulnerable. Zero loves that overwhelming, free fall feeling they experience, and the knowledge that someone is going to take care of them and make them feel good. Z also likes knowing that they can test someone’s self control and turn them on. (Z is such a bratty sub bottom lord jesus)

Delphine: obviously her sex drive is high as hell, being what she is. It’s not as fun as it sounds though. Wanting to have sex and needing to are not the same thing. she can’t remember her first time, and there’s quite the sad backstory there that we won’t get into now. 😳 honestly, if she could stop needing to have sex to live, she would. sometimes she just wants to be held and loved for something other than her body.

Xa’eks/Xa’veed: high libido goddamn. They have a lot of restless and somewhat aggressive energy that needs to go somewhere. Their first time was when they were the Nion 8 equivalent of teenagers with another student at their military academy. It was their first and only actual relationship, though short lived since romance was discouraged among military students for fear of it distracting them. Their lover’s name is Moxim, and X hasn’t seen him since they landed on Earth (big place, ya know)

[back-alley-bardblog]

“Yo!! DUDE STOP RIGHT THERE i gotta talk at you ok i gotta put you onto some shit.” The very loud imp produces a crumpled scrap of paper from his pocket before checking it over, he then pulls out a chewed up pencil from another pocket and crosses it off

“Hook them in… check! Man I’m already nailing this Claire's gonna be so damn proud. ANYWAY hi. Hello. My name’s Tobias but please call me Tobi WITH AN I i know its weird but it makes me happy uh- uhm.”

Tobi checks another, different scrap of paper

“Oh yea… If you’re seeing this post then HOPEFULLY you’re the kind of person that likes it when dudes are silly on the internet. This blog is kind of that? I’m part of this band and we’re trying to get noticed by people n stuff so we were told to maybe make some kind of account somewhere and I suggested this!”

As he throws his hands into the air, Tobi flings the paper scraps as if they were confetti, seemingly without noticing

“Basically uh we’re just gonna hang out here and you, people of the internet, can actually get to know us n stuff.. Just me for now though, the rest of the guys aren’t really into this kind of thing. I’m sure I can sneak you all some peeks of them though! wink”

That wink was spoken. It's not clear if he actually did wink considering his choice of hairstyle

“BUT I’m sure that’s not too much of a tragedy. I’m pretty endearing when I need to be.”

…

“Ok that's all I got ta say, hope to talk more soon, bye!!!”

(vv psst, under here! vv)

Heyyyy it's me, the actual owner of this blog and creator of back alley bard (you can call me box :3 I use he/they pronouns with a HUGE preference for the he as opposed to the they) here to drop some INFORMATION and GROUND RULES for this blog. 

I'm gonna start with some boundaries/rules first though. Just to get them out the way.

Any attempts to start NSFW rp will be ignored, this blog’s lore is that it's a band’s social media so none of the lads will be having e sex on main.. Or at all, really. Also it's just a boundary thing. Flirting is fine though by all means type the foulest thing you can in the inbox if it's for funny reasons, this blog is rated a solid 16+. Speaking of that

IF YOU ARE ANY YOUNGER THAN 16 PLEASE DO NOT INTERACT WITH THIS BLOG. The story this blog is based off is very mature in its content so it's more of a means to deter the hypothetical fanbase from being overrun with young kids than a “I FUCKING HATE LITTLE KIDS” thing. Nothing against you guys, I just don’t really wanna write something with sexuality as a relevant recurring thing with the knowledge it's mainly 13 year olds that’re gonna engage with it. Personal comfort, if anything.

Please don’t send asks that are fourth wall breaks. This is stuff like telling Tobi he isn’t real or trying to tell them that I exist and control what he says on here. I’ll just delete your ask and block you if you try sending anymore like that

Generally just don’t be a weirdo. No Zoos, Pedos, Proshippers or Hate Speech is allowed on this blog. Zero tolerance policy I will block you on SIGHT.

Don’t be rude if it takes a while to get a response, I have a life outside of this and am currently a student and will continue to be one for the next 4 years or so. Basically don’t RUSH ME

If you have any meta questions like “oh how long have you had the boys” or “can i have a reference for tobi” please redirect them to either my art blog @unboxt (where i’m more likely to see it) or my main dump blog @basement-hobo 

DO NOT ADDRESS ME IN THE ASKS. I AM FUNCTIONALLY NOT HERE. I DO NOT EXIST ITS JUST TOBI

Ok that's all my boundaries/rules, onto the fun bit! Actual info on what this blog actually is and how it works.

As summarised by the bio back alley bard is a fictional (somewhat punk) indie rock band I created and are my ocs. They are not a real band and I have no plans to make them the next Gorillaz or Yaelokre - I do still plan to publish something big about them though!

This blog is an experimental side project to me for now so all asks are limited to just Tobi (he/they) BUT if I like doing this you guys unlock full band perms. Should mention though, this doesn’t mean I won’t show them or have tobi give any information about the band. Do with this what you will.

My main goal with this is to get people familiar with Back Alley Bard so that when I get around to really working on my goals for it I’ll have a substantial amount of people to back me up for it. Also because its a fun way to put a bit more meat on the bones of the lads (and practice drawing them)

That's basically it. Happy asking, folks!

[ultimateaclrecovery]

So the boy did end up asking me if I wanted to come to Italy with him. His family is going in may and he’s been that for several months but never made it clear if he would want me to come or not (his mom specifically said I was invited over thanksgiving). And then finally last week he asked if I wanted to join him.

I said I would have to see due to work. My team is only three people, plus one in training and one is already gone for most may so I had to check and see about coverage and making sure we could have two people out of the country at the same time. But he seemed to take it has a hard no. Bought his flights and started booking things but then would like show me his family Airbnb? And he’s going before he’s family for extra time and I’m still not sure if he’d want me to join just him or him and his family.

We then had this exchange

Which was especially annoying because he makes such a big deal about going for long enough to make the flight worth it. And had asked me after Japan about how he bet I wished I was there for longer. After I only joined him for half when he specifically only asked if I wanted to join for part.

And with the initially suggested dates it’s still not clear if he really wants me to join for the part with his family too. And like if you don’t could you just say so? Like I get that that’s kind of a hard thing to say and he might be kind of on the fence about it himself, but like I am asking this question of you point blank. And if there’s things being booked than the number of people going matters so you can just say that to.

I’ve also been feeling kind of wishy washy about the relationship as a whole lately but I’m unsure if that’s really the relationship or just general January SAD. Or just like that new relationship energy wearing off so it feels less fun in comparison. Like everything is fine but also boring and I keep getting my feelings hurt over dumb shit and crying over nothing, but nothing related to him. And I’m just not sure if I’m having enough fun to balance out the random crying. And yea everyone says relationships are hard and there’s nothing bad about it, but like why bother being in a relationship and putting in the work when I could just be single and not do that. Like is weekly sex and twice weekly dates really worth all this? And they say you’re supposed to date your best friend, and even after a year I don’t think I’d say that. He’s my best male friend for sure but that’s hardly a high bar. And idk it feels like it’s mostly a me thing and I don’t want to throw away a good thing just because I’m bored or am having unrealistic expectations of relationships. But I also keep questioning if I would be happier single. But maybe this is just the inner work required to be happy in a relationship and just because it’s not all sunshine and rainbows doesn’t mean it’s bad. But I also can’t keep randomly crying.

And then there’s the fact that I’ve already been to Italy. And while it would be fun to go again in some ways I’d rather go somewhere else. Like there’s a horseback riding trail in Portugal that I’ve been looking at for years and I could do that instead in October. But probably not both as I do not have unlimited money or vacation time. But he is really nice to travel with and Italy would be awesome. I last went in high school so it would be very different.

[thelittlemermage]

Actually, I do completely understand how and why Gen Z came to feel the way they do about internet/fandom culture. I just think their solution to fixing the issue is misguided and more reactionary than solution-oriented based on personal trauma. The open internet and fandom culture itself was never built for small children to be able to safely wander around in. There were specific spaces for children like Neopets, Disney.com games, stuff like that. You wouldn’t have a little kid on social media. There was no social media. You’d have forums and myspace at best. Youtube was literally built because the creator wanted to show an uncensored nip slip. So the idea of protecting children was not a necessity because children were not online yet in the way adults or older teenagers were online.

What happened was technology progresses at and extremely fast rate. Faster than you can move around content on the internet or develop a different culture where kids are expected to just be around. And this unfortunately happened alongside child-friendly sites being eliminated. I’d say even with those sites tho, no one should have ever been giving two year olds ipads with unrestricted internet access. None of these kids should have been in the position to be able to come across fandom porn without their parents noticing. That’s crazy to me. My parents would check what sites I was visiting on our family computer. I think these kids were failed by ignorant parents and just...our ability to create technology faster than we know what to do with it. I think it’s horrifying we have a generation of kids who were all exposed to porn at a young age. I think a lot of things they say and do are because it fucked up their view of sex. And that’s not their fault, but I think a lot of young adults probably need to be in therapy about it and idk if they’re aware. Attacking art on the internet can’t heal your inner child. But I’m getting ahead of things.

I think we can all agree a lot of shit came to a head with MLP fandom. Those guys generated an unprecedented amount of porn, even for fandom. And this was also at a time when a lot of kids were now online and looking up their favorite shows. I don’t think there could be worse timing for anything. I don’t even want to say MLP fandom was all bad, a lot of them dedicated time to rounding up nsfw images that show up in google search and reporting it. But it was definitely a huge shitshow that I think molded a lot of people’s ideas of cartoon porn on the internet.

I still find the idea of a “kid’s fandom” oxymoronic because until recently a fandom for any cartoon would not be a “kid’s fandom”. It would be a fandom of adults and teens talking about a show that as aimed at kids, but no one would find that particularly relevant. Because the people present were not young kids. Animaniacs was actually one of the first big fandoms on the internet and it was big with college students. (Btw I feel like someone is going to purposefully start something because I keep referring to kids and teens separately. This is because there is obviously a huge difference developmentally in what content say a 7 year old and a 17 year old can handle. Whether or not a 17 year old should look at adult content, it’s not going to fuck them up the way it would a prepubescent child. I think that’s obvious. Trust and believe I’d look at a lot of shit I wasn’t supposed to as a teen and that was a purposeful choice on my part. I don’t have any particular regrets about this and I don’t feel any disgust towards sexual content, nor did I at the time. But if I was a little kid and it was being shoved in my face at random, I imagine I’d have to shit to work through. So for clarity, that’s what I mean.) I think fandom in the current year would look at something like patb fandom and be like “yea, a kid’s show for kids. It’s a kid fandom.” Maybe it would be currently, idk, but until now everyone here was in their 20′s and 30′s because it’s a show from the 90′s. So I do think there’s a culture gap in the understanding of what a fandom even looks like.

Ultimately tho, and this is my opinion based on living through all of it so far, I don’t think the problem is with the type of content people make. Frankly, having grown up in a time when every other fic was untagged noncon (because believe it or not, it’s a very common fetish and I promise that has not changed as much as people act shocked and outraged by it now. The same amount of people are still into it. They’re just in an environment where all their friends would come after them if they knew and they aren’t stupid. So they join in attacking others, but just know a lot of your friends do read it on the side, regardless of what they say publicly. 🤷‍♀️I see those kudos.) and I’ve never been as disgusted and genuinely distressed by that as I have with how real living people are treated in fandom today. It makes me sick to my stomach the things people do to each other. Fanfic and fanart have NEVER triggered me. This shit does. That CANNOT be the solution. It’s an impossible fight to begin with to eliminate everything you don’t like from fandom. And really things have come a long way with tagging believe it or not. I can avoid things like never before. So actually going out of your way to attack something you don’t NEED to look at just because it exists is just stupid to me. I’m not sure how purposefully looking at stuff you hate actually helps you with not seeing the things you hate. People obviously won’t agree with me, but I don’t think your art defines your morals. Art can be/mean anything, and I don’t personally want to live in a world that dictates “immoral” art as illegal because it’s obvious where that sort of thing can lead and it’s not pretty. (I do not necessarily agree with everything people make. I just think censorship is ultimately worse like...as far as real world ramifications go.) What you do to other people determines what kind of person you are. It’s weird this is even an unpopular opinion, but it is. You can treat others like absolute trash and still be seen as a good person so long as they “deserved it” for making The Wrong Kind Of Art. Which varies depending on which fandom you’re in anyway. And I really can’t get behind hurting people for reasons that are often so arbitrary to me.

I think the issue is just. The internet exists and kids are on it and there’s no place for them. And I really don’t know what the solution for that is. Because fandom aside, the internet is the internet. There are random porn ads on any given site, tiktok can lead you down an alt right rabbit hole in a matter of hours, twitter is....twitter lol. It’s a hostile environment for anyone these days tbh. I don’t think kids should be exposed to any of that. I think childhood is shrinking in our culture. Kids don’t have a tween phase anymore. It’s like you’re a kid and then you’re expected to look and act like a mini adult. It’s sad to me. I think that’s why a lot of people want to recapture some type of innocence and childhood. You were pushed out of it way too fast. There’s some state I think that was proposing children be banned from the internet until they’re 18. While that would be cool for me, I think that’s dangerous in a different way given how a lot of extreme alt right parents are starting to homeschool their kids. I think it’s more about putting a stopper on information than about protecting kids. And I think this would have a devastating effect on queer kids in particular. So idk. There has to be something in between we can do.

More than anything I wish we could all work together to try to fix this because I don’t think people WANT to see kids get hurt. We’re all on the same side at the end of the day. But I think the environment is too hostile to actually achieve anything useful atm. 🤷‍♀️I think that sucks. I’d love for fandom to be a fun and close-knit community again. It’s something that always meant a lot to me growing up and I think it’s sad people can no longer have what I had. But I don’t see that happening anytime soon.

[yappacadaver]

I'm totally not trying to be insensitive, I'm only wondering out of sheer morbid curiosity - your bio says FtMtF; have you touched on that before at all, the "why" or just your experience in general? Please don't answer if it's crossing a boundary. Your blog is great, you're great, love your Rayumi content so much. ❤️

Hey no worries, I’ve talked pretty openly about my detransition on here cause it’s important to me! Both for who I am as a person and to spread awareness.

But yea I medically transitioned from 2015 - 2020, taking exogenous testosterone and having a double mastectomy. I detransitioned due to regret. In a lot of ways, my transition was an expression of self harm and suicidality. I had been a victim of sexist violence before, my dad had just started escalating his abuse, and I wanted to be anything but a woman— and anyone but myself.

Being gnc, it seemed very natural for me to transition. I was told by my therapist that wishing I was a boy made me a boy (false, you can only wish to be something if you are already not that thing) and that transition would help my suicidal tendencies. Turns out, transition was a great way to express my suicidality.

I got my double mastectomy around 2018 and that was close to the final straw. Per my transition goals, it was the last procedure I wanted to have, but it didn’t make me feel more comfortable or myself. I was just missing parts now. I also had a girlfriend at the time, and watching her try and dance around mentioning or interacting with my sex was hard. I realized I wanted to be her girlfriend too, and from there I had to finally examine why I felt I had to transition and what it was exactly that made me want to destroy myself.

In 2020 I cut my father off for good and began the process of telling everyone else the news about who I am. It is so much harder to come out as detrans, to admit to that mistake. My family was frustrated with me, most of them still don’t understand it. I still live with a lot of very difficult regret— I’ll never have my breasts or voice back and I miss those parts of me so much. There’s a lot of health issues i induced/worsened with testosterone, binding, and surgery. Some of which I was made aware of by doctors when they attempted to get informed consent, and some they neglected to bring to my attention. I wasted a lot of time and energy trying to become what I’m not, and a lot of people I met only ever knew that facade. I only have one friend from before my transition who’s stuck around, but she’s a real treasure and I’m very lucky.

But tysm anon for asking about it, and I’m glad you like my rayumi art!!! It means a lot to me 😭😭 I hope you enjoy your stay on my blog ✌︎('ω'✌︎ )

[gojonanami]

Also!! Really random!! But I just wanted to say, as a fellow Muslim, when I read that anon message you got I was literally appalled. It’s sadly common but it’s still just as ridiculous.

Being Muslim literally doesn’t mean you have to limit the exploration of sexuality??? It’s a toxic mindset, just cause you’re Muslim doesn’t mean you can’t have desires or cant have any sense of sex and intimacy??? Like wtf??? Get your priorities straight! Legit no man on earth should be able to make judgement on other Muslims behavior because that’s only for Allah to do, and if that anon is so high and mighty then they should realize that they’re committing a sin by stating assumptions on the judgement of Allah, something none of us Muslims have any power to understand or inflict so like 💀💀💀

ALSO the whole gay thing??? Tiresome at this point. First of all, it’s fictional characters and let’s be fr they’re literally dating and in love (biased), but even if they weren’t, literally what does it have to do with the anon? Why can’t they just let people ship and support what they want to support? And also dude gay Muslims exist, coming from a GAY MUSLIM 😭. Yea I pray five times a day, yeah I have read the Quran, yeah I fast, and yeah I’ve ALSO simultaneously been able to love who I want to love which happens to be a woman without doubting my religious beliefs and the god I worship??? Like hello are you dumb (sorry I shouldn’t be bad mouthing in Ramadan but I am cause this is crazy) 😭😭😭.

Legit like who are you to say what’s wrong and right! You’re not supposed to pass judgement to anyways especially fellow Muslims cause you don’t know us and our beliefs and our loyalties! Exploring sexuality and attraction and writing and producing it doesn’t make you a bad Muslim wtf, it makes you human, and humans aren’t perfect like you said, but humans still have their values and at the end of the day isn’t that what you’ll be judged for the most?? Also the whole gay thing again, it is in my beliefs that Allah wouldn’t want me to suffer and be unhappy, if he made me this way it was by his intention and I support peace and love as Allah would encourage and in my heart I know it’s not a sin.

ANYWAYS THATS MY HOT TAKE AFTER SEEING THE POST AND GETTING ANGRY HAHAHA MOVING ON LOVE YOU SAB DONT LET THEM GET TO YOU BLESS YOU 💗💗💗💗💗

thank you ahhh no literally it’s so crazy when someone deigns to think their judgment means anything esp compared to Allah - that anon truly was grasping at straws just to shame me for my fics when why else were they on my page 💀💀

no literally they are boyfriends and no one can fight me on this haha — but for real, everyone is entitled to their opinion but it’s crazy to attack someone for shipping lgbt ships or for being lgbt in general — it’s 2024, come on 💀💀💀 no literally why would Allah make you this way if it wasn’t intended? it’s insane. I’m sure you’re a wonderful Muslim — because I can see your incredibly kind heart and I hope that anon’s words or any other person’s words don’t ever get to you 💕💕

LOVE YOU TOO BABE — DONT LET THEM GET TO YOU EITHER 💕🥹

[cbtfanblog-blog]

Biden has tried to push more unconstitutional BULL SHIT through as Executive Orders than any President in this countries history.

Student loan debt has been tried twice and both times it has been stopped by the courts as unconstitutional.

For your information, Palestine is the one who started that fucking war. They were the ones who killed 1600 innocent Israeli citizens and took hundreds captive. So FUCK YOUR PALESTINIAN MURDERERS!

DEI is another complete BULL SHIT FUCK YOU to the American people. This WOKE bull shit is going down in flames. REAL AMERICANS can see straight through this bull shit and the damage it has caused and is still causing. Any company of any size that supports this racist sexist bull shit needs to go out of business or pay restitution to all the qualified people that were either fired or not hired because of their race, sex or any other bull shit reason.

Environment. You really don’t want to go there. I’m guessing you are one of those ignorant climate change believers. The only thing “Climate Change” has done is fill the pockets of radical left politicians and their bull shit “Climate” companies with BILLIONS OF DOLLARS OF TAX PAYERS CASH and they e done nothing because climate change is a 100% hoax. The climate has changed for billions of years yet you’re stupid enough to think the world is coming to an end in 10 years or whatever time they’re trying to get you to believe. So far climate change LIARS have been predicting doom and gloom since the 1930’s. Everything from a mini ice age, and the oceans rising and acid rain and the end of the world a minimum of 5-10 times. That the fish in the oceans and lakes would all die and we’d run out of food. All this bull shit has been claimed about 45 times since the 1930’s and as of today not one claim had come true. That means the climate liars have lied at least 45 times and haven’t told the truth once. As for solar and wind energy, those are a bigger threat to the ecology than and oil powered vehicles will ever be. Solar fields absorb heat and can change weather patterns into severe storms just from the heat they generate. And wind turbines are the absolute worst for the ecology. They cost more to manufacture than they will ever produce in electric. They take 80+ gallons of REFINED PETROLEUM OIL THAT NEEDS TO BE CHANGED REGULARLY. The blades wear out and need to be replaced. That in itself takes very large oil powered cranes to replace and hours and hours to replace. Then they have to cut the old blades into smaller pieces to bury in landfills. Yea. That’s really economical. But what’s even better is in the winter when they freeze up, they produce ZERO electric. So they need to be thawed out. They do this by flying helicopters over said turbines and spray a chemical de icier. Again not very “economical” or ecological.

You seem to forget that Trump signed the criminal reform bill that the DEMOCRATS passed.

As for your so called “Vaccines”. They were not vaccines. Never were vaccines. They were RDNA and they were meant to alter the DNA of everyone who received these shots. Why do you think that every member of Congress got a pass on the Vax and Your BRAINDEAD Pedo Biden didn’t give a damn about vaccinations for the 20,000,000+ ILLEGAL FOREIGN NATIONALS that he as good as escorted into the country. Bill Gates blew the whistle in a speech that should have been followed up on after he said it. He said, “through vaccinations we can lower the population by a minimum of 15%”. This sounds a lot like planned extermination just exactly like one Adolf Hitler move by one Joe Biden and the Gestapo Democratic Party.

The Democrats also want to push the “Big Reset”. This is being a project being pushed by the WEF (World Economic Forum) to destroy America and turn the world into a One World Government controlled by the Worlds Elites and the DEMOCRATS. In their perfect world you and I and billions of people would be penny less and they would give you what they say you need. And you’ll live in a huge apartment complex where you will have nothing and like it. That’s a quote from the WEF. THEY ALSO WANT TO KILL Off as many Americans as possible because we would fight them. But save as many Chinese as possible because they’ve been taught to be submissive. This is YOUR DEMOCRATIC PARTY!!!

And your accusations about Trump being Racist is a TOTAL FUCKING LIE!! Under Trump unemployment rates for Blacks was at its lowest in the countries HISTORY. He has many high ranking executives in his organizations that are BLACK!! So your bull shit claim about racism is another BLATANT FUCKING LIE!! Wow. YOU ARE AS BIG OF LIAR AS JOE BIDEN AND HIS CORRUPT ADMINISTRATION ARE.

Look.

I have made you a chart. A very simple chart.

People say "You have to draw the line somewhere, and Biden has crossed it-" and my response is "Trump has crossed way more lines than Biden".

These categories are based off of actual policy enacted by both of these men while they were in office.

If the ONLY LINE YOU CARE ABOUT is line 12, you have an incredible amount of privilege, AND YOU DO NOT CARE ABOUT PALESTINIANS. You obviously have nothing to fear from a Trump presidency, and you do not give a fuck if a ceasefire actually occurs. You are obviously fine if your queer, disabled, and marginalized loved ones are hurt. You clearly don't care about the status of American democracy, which Trump has openly stated he plans to destroy on day 1 he is in office.

EDIT:

Ok fine, I spent 3 hours compiling sources for all of these, you can find that below the cut.

I'll give at least one link per subject area. There are of course many more sources to be read on these subject areas and no post could possibly give someone a full education on these subjects.

Biden and trans rights: https://www.hrc.org/resources/president-bidens-pro-lgbtq-timeline

Trump and trans rights: https://www.aclu.org/news/lgbtq-rights/trump-on-lgbtq-rights-rolling-back-protections-and-criminalizing-gender-nonconformity

The two sources above show how Biden has done a lot of work to promote trans rights, and how Trump did a lot of work to hurt trans rights.

Biden on abortion access: https://www.cnn.com/2022/07/08/politics/what-is-in-biden-abortion-executive-order/index.html

Trump on abortion access: https://apnews.com/article/abortion-trump-republican-presidential-election-2024-585faf025a1416d13d2fbc23da8d8637

Biden openly supports access to abortion and has taken steps to protect those rights at a federal level even after Roe v Wade was overturned. Trump, on the other hand, was the man who appointed the judges who helped overturn Roe v Wade and he openly brags about how proud he is of that decision. He also states that he believes individual states should have the final say in whether or not abortion is legal, and that he trusts them to "do the right thing", meaning he supports stronger abortion bans.

Biden on environmental reform: https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2021/10/07/fact-sheet-president-biden-restores-protections-for-three-national-monuments-and-renews-american-leadership-to-steward-lands-waters-and-cultural-resources/

Trump on environmental reform: https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2020/climate/trump-environment-rollbacks-list.html

Biden has made major steps forward for environmental reform. He has restored protections that Trump rolled back. He has enacted many executive orders and more to promote environmental protections, including rejoining the Paris Accords, which Trump withdrew the USA from. Trump is also well known for spreading conspiracy theories and lies about global climate change, calling it a "Chinese hoax".

Biden on healthcare and prescription reform: https://www.hhs.gov/about/news/2023/06/09/biden-administration-announces-savings-43-prescription-drugs-part-cost-saving-measures-president-bidens-inflation-reduction-act.html

Trump on healthcare reform: https://www.cnn.com/2024/01/07/politics/obamacare-health-insurance-ending-trump/index.html

I'm rolling healthcare and prescriptions and vaccines and public health all into one category here since they are related. Biden has lowered drug costs, expanded access to medicaid, and ACA enrollment has risen during his presidency. He has also made it so medical debt no longer applies to a person's credit score. He signed many executive orders during his first few weeks in office in order to get a handle on Trump's grievous mishandling of the COVID pandemic. Trump also wants to end the ACA. Trump is well known for refusing to wear a mask during the pandemic, encouraging the use of hydroxylchloroquine to "treat" COVID, and being openly anti-vaxx.

Biden on student loan forgiveness: https://www.ed.gov/news/press-releases/biden-harris-administration-announces-additional-77-billion-approved-student-debt-relief-160000-borrowers

Trump on student loan forgiveness: https://www.forbes.com/sites/adamminsky/2024/06/20/trump-knocks-bidens-vile-student-loan-forgiveness-plans-suggests-reversal/

Trump wants to reverse the student loan forgiveness plans Biden has enacted. Biden has already forgiven billions of dollars in loans and continues to work towards forgiving more.

Infrastructure funding:

I'm putting these links next together because they are all about infrastructure.

In general, Trump's "achievements" for infrastructure were to destroy environmental protections to speed up projects. Many of his plans were ineffective due to the fact that he did not clearly outline where the money was going to come from, and he was unwilling to raise taxes to pay for the projects. He was unable (and unwilling) to pass a bipartisan infrastructure bill during his 4 years in office. He did sign a few disaster relief bills. He did not enthusiastically promote renewable energy infrastructure. He created "Infrastructure Weeks" that the federal government then failed to fund. Trump did not do nothing for infrastructure, but his no-tax stance and his dislike for renewable energy means the contributions he made to American infrastructure were not as much as he claimed they were, nor as much as they could have been. Basically, he made a lot of promises, and delivered on very few of them. He is not "against" infrastructure, but he's certainly against funding it.

Biden was able to pass that bipartisan bill after taking office. The Bipartisan Infrastructure Plan that Trump tried to prevent from passing during Biden's term contains concrete funding sources and step by step plans to rebuild America's infrastructure. If you want to read the plan, you can find it here: https://www.whitehouse.gov/build/guidebook/. Biden has done far more for American infrastructure than Trump did, most notably by actually getting the bipartisan bill through congress.

Biden on Racial Equity: https://www.npr.org/sections/president-biden-takes-office/2021/01/26/960725707/biden-aims-to-advance-racial-equity-with-executive-actions

Trump on Racial Equity: https://www.axios.com/2024/04/01/trump-reverse-racism-civil-rights https://www.bbc.com/news/av/world-us-canada-37230916

Trump's racist policies are loud and clear for everyone to hear. We all heard him call Mexicans "Drug dealers, criminals, rapists". We all watched as he enacted travel bans on people from majority-Muslim nations. Biden, on the other hand, has done quite a lot during his term to attempt to reconcile racism in this country, including reversing Trump's "Muslim ban" the first day he was in office.

Biden on DEI: https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/presidential-actions/2021/06/25/executive-order-on-diversity-equity-inclusion-and-accessibility-in-the-federal-workforce/

Trump on DEI: https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/trump-tried-to-crush-the-dei-revolution-heres-how-he-might-finish-the-job/ar-BB1jg3gz

Biden supports DEI and has signed executive orders and passed laws that support DEI on the federal level. Trump absolutely hates DEI and wants to eradicate it.

Biden on criminal justice reform: https://time.com/6155084/biden-criminal-justice-reform/

Trump on criminal justice reform: https://www.vox.com/2020-presidential-election/21418911/donald-trump-crime-criminal-justice-policy-record https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2024/05/trumps-extreme-plans-crime/678502/

From pardons for non-violent marijuana convictions to reducing the federal government's reliance on private prisons, Biden has done a lot in four years to reform our criminal justice system on the federal level. Meanwhile, Trump has described himself as "tough on crime". He advocates for more policing, including "stop and frisk" activities. Ironically it's actually quite difficult to find sources about what Trump thinks about crime, because almost all of the search results are about his own crimes.

Biden on military support for Israel: https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/national-security/biden-obama-divide-closely-support-israel-rcna127107

Trump on military support for Israel: https://www.vox.com/politics/353037/trump-gaza-israel-protests-biden-election-2024

Biden supports Israel financially and militarily and promotes holding Israel close. So did Trump. Trump was also very pro-Israel during his time in office and even moved the embassy to Jerusalem and declared Jerusalem the capitol of Israel, a move that inflamed attitudes in the region.

Biden on a ceasefire: https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/world/2024/06/05/gaza-israel-hamas-cease-fire-plan-biden/73967659007/

Trump on a ceasefire: https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/trump-israel-gaza-finish-problem-rcna141905

Trump has tried to be quiet on the issue but recently said he wants Israel to "finish the problem". He of course claims he could have prevented the whole problem. Trump also openly stated after Oct 7th that he would bar immigrants who support Hamas from the country and send in officers to American protests to arrest anyone supporting Hamas.

Biden meanwhile has been quietly urging Netanyahu to accept a ceasefire deal for months, including the most recent announcement earlier in June, though it seems as though that deal has finally fallen through as well.

[nothingneverforever]

Forever in a day

A comparative review of All of Us Strangers (2023) and Rye Lane (2023) - an unintentional exploration of too many different worlds all revolving around one single sun… to be continued tomorrow morning <3

��—————————

Hey it’s the same day but here I am :-)

Starting with All of Us Strangers, I’d been meaning to watch it always but I very very seriously thought it was a purely “sexy” film, anticipated and lauded for its sexiness and nothing else. So today, part of my very extended long weekend, I was looking exclusively for romantic movies, something I reminded Imran of every 3 seconds as we scrolled through every streaming app… it was supposed to be Leap Year or Notting Hill, both of which I’ve seen over a dozen times and either of the two or umm literally anything else would have been an infinitely better choice for my general mood and happiness and hopefulness and sense of joy in this life and world…. By which I mean, this movie was just unbelievably and utterly shockingly depressing and needlessly so too honestly. I don’t really care about the source material cos meh idk anything about Japanese media as I am simply too intellectually lazy to engage in anything real these days so yea not knowing what the original novel (Strangers, Taichi Yamada, 1987) was about, as a movie I just don’t see why this had to go the way it did. I hate to say it of an Andrew Haigh film (when I saw his name flash across the title card I thought he had directed Lilting for some reason - which I’d loved and written about in 2015 for my IB film exam essay on intercultural male same-sex couples in movies lol seriously I love my old work ethic and curiosity and discipline!!! But anw no turns out I only know Andrew Haigh from Looking and Weekend and not Lilting) - especially given all the name drops in the parenthesis, it’s clear that I have found much enjoyment and pleasure in gay films throughout my teenage years till present but … think this movie honestly needn’t have been made if it was going to go in this direction, I’m so so so freaking serious. Just don’t fucking make it lol simple??! What’s a tale that’s completely barren of the singlest sliciest tiniest freaking speck of joy? What’s the point of it? What comes of it?????! Why the fuck do I have to sit through this??!

I’d compare it to The Haunting of Hill House in a way… in this, there were painful tragedies that spanned generations and presented with literal daily horrors in fresh ways but there was always a meaning to it, a direction the terrors were pushing our characters towards and an eventual peace amidst the shards still strewn across the ground but in Strangers lacking that, it just leaves us miserable honestly… so what’s the point? Everyone’s dead and he’s lost and alone and …? Is that life? Nah. Again, you must know how much it surprises me to say I don’t like a gay film which has not only the two main leads who did do so wonderfully and who I really like but also Jamie Bell who has had my heart since I watched the rented Billy Elliot DVD in my home like a decade and a half ago and also Claire Foy who I don’t know much but love by extension through my mother’s love for her… so with all that for me to say this film really pissed me off means so freaking much. I hate you!!!!!!!!!! Stupid depressing movie seemingly for the sake of merely depressing. Soooo cool wow 🙄🙄🙄 sadness isn’t the only deep emotion you guys know that right? Wake up la…

(If anyone cares to follow my thoughts, just read the wiki plot summary and spoil it for yourself because it is seriously not worth the heartache and pain of watching the “”plot twists”” unfold irl)

Yet somehow, I had it in me to still seek out another romance film later that night… see, Strangers, even in shit mood on shit days, hope prevails okay? Actually wait as I’m typing this, I realise okay perhaps Adam (Andrew Scott)’s hopefulness in the film manifested in a way that presented itself to me as utter despair and depression but to him, perhaps imagining a full life and romance with his suicided-neighbour was indeed the equivalent of me looking for a new happy film? Do you know what I mean? What I’m saying is that perhaps I am a little wrong and perhaps the stupid idiot nonsense depressing film was intended as hopeful lol??? But in which case, it still sucks cos it wasn’t at all and IT IS DAMN IDIOT LA

Okay so

UNLIKE THE IDIOT MOVIE

And unlike Adam

I wanted to find a genuine real tangible amount of joy so I looked through yet more romance films and settled on Rye Lane which I’d never heard of:

Recognized the guy from Alien: Romulus which I’d just watched in cinemas with Jade and Imran a few months ago and which was such a nice experienceeee and this guy was so sweet and lovely in it and it seems to simply be a part of his authentic self as it transferred so well through the small screen this time around again and I love him yay!

Decided to write about these two very different films together under the header (Forever in a Day) which is my adaptation of Big K.R.I.T.’s 4eva N a Day which I just found so so so so so moving, something I used to listen to so so much years ago. Forever in a day, not and a day, because my world today had indeed just been contained within a day. Yet there has been so so so much within… the shock hurt frustration from All of Us Strangers before being followed by the genuine and surprisingly realistic mirth of Rye Lane. It’s been a lot for me on a day where I’d already been experiencing tonnes of discomfort from avoiding work and even avoiding thinking about thinking about work so you can imagine how much this world contained really.

The only thing I didn’t quite enjoy about Rye Lane was the little bit of manic pixie symptoms in the female characters writing but I think I wanted to like it enough that I was immune to it after a while and even felt rather charmed by it. And just like his Aliens character, this random actor whose name is David Jonsson for whatever reason is seriously too good la!! And I’ll use the word sweet again and again because it just seems to exude so authentically from his eyes…

Both films are very specifically London-based and London-laden and both cinematographically as well as conceptually the difference lies in the darkness (Strangers) vs bright colour (Lane), the aloneness vs the community, the stifled claustrophobia vs the expansive vulnerability most of all which had to be shared… actually im on a roll so let me present with more striking juxtapositions for the two films, not to compare them but to illustrate why the latter was so so needed for me on the same day the former consumed me: belatedness vs timeliness, post-fact reflection vs live introspection, ummmm ok wait im sure i have more genius up my sleeves… okay yes: all-consuming fear vs a radiating fear-driven gall and thrill, and stuckness vs movement.

You know the saddest thing is before Paul Mescal’s character was revealed to have been dead for 99% of Strangers without our knowledge, I was very ready to add the film into my top 30 movies of all time after a few more rewatches. I could deal with the dead parents being imagined as real and living given the whole healing his inner child plot line and I could deal with his imagined world differing greatly from reality until the fucking one singlest strand of happiness we could hold on to also proved to be mere gossamer that melted away… you know what I just realised - it’s so so so cheap and silly for Harry (Paul Mescal) to have been dead. If alive and if their relationship were “real”, was it not sad and tragic and haunting enough on its own? It was already such an insular experience, so utterly isolating even through its connectedness, so haunted by their own histories where they barely knew whether they each had the strength to even begin to want to reveal to one another. Is that not sad enough? Is that not already utterly provocative enough for audiences to connect with the deep and blue parts of our souls? Are we that simple minded that we only see sadness when Harry had to commit suicide? It’s a bit insulting actually the more I think about it. Like if sadness and grief was the goal, prettyyy sure we’re capable of feeling that from the start bruh 🙄 it was absolutely already what it needed to be before the cheap reveal imo. Seriously, Haigh got what he wanted already - we felt it along with the characters. We felt all their individual and mutual pain. Every single bit of the relationship was so so so so sad and we knew it. The movie was good guys…..but now it sucks af…..

So while neither of these two films would make it into my top favourites, they will both definitely stay with me and Rye Lane may not warrant a rewatch, it’s no Notting Hill but it was great great great fun honestly and I think finally after about 5 years of wallowing in a strange prison of predictability only (which explains my compulsion to rewatch old shows nonstop has gotten more and more limiting and unfulfilling than before), I am starting to see the beauty again in being more like the old maya who would dive in to so much so readily - knew little about these two films today, especially Rye, and hey look, it’s midnight and I’m hunched on my bed typing away to get my thoughts out so this is healthy and meaningful and much needed stimulation and I hope I hope to continue committing myself to this <3 to more movies and movies and movies and movies ahead!

(Sleepy now, will proof read tmr perhaps)

[blackleopardgirl]

yea i don't care

  They are upset that their demographic isn’t able to receive privileges anymore. Men of other races, people of other races in general, and women can scale up in society and this makes them upset. They can’t impress women anymore with their wages, women don’t want them anymore because they aren’t attractive, women simply don’t need them in a literal sense to live with them and they don’t like them. Men aren’t able to feel powerful or needed in society. This makes them want to drop out of society. 

  This is why they blame feminism, diversity hires, women, and their “behavior” as they call it which just means that women aren’t interested in them in dating or life. Women don’t obsess or worship them anymore, women usually just care about their own wants/needs and so this makes them angry because they still care about women. They are also angry because they were trained that women were help mates and people who NEED them, but when these women don’t want them and mock them online it bothers them because no one wants to feel unwanted or undesired. 

Do I care? I tried to, I tried to worry about how they're doing and how they're feeling, but they're genuinely awful people. The way they speak about us and don’t care about us unless we ACT the way they want us to, it’s all about them. They don’t mutually like us, they only like or respect us if we’re attractive or as I stated before, behave the way they want us to, and that always means that we should stay in the background and let them tell us what to do. They blame us for having physical appearance standards, yet they’ve ALWAYS had physical appearance standards, for choosing men who have a degree or a stable career, yet we can’t raise a family off of chocolate coins, you need a lot of money to raise a baby, love won’t suffice. They blame us for divorce yet they get mad when we actually are choosing the men we want to date and possibly get married to and have kids with carefully, which just means that they’re mad that we aren’t choosing them. Surprise! It's always only about them. They wouldn't be this angry if they were dating women they wanted to date. 

Then they get mad at women who just don’t want to date, get married, or have any kids. They aren’t willing to do half of the work in the household, they still want YOU to work entirely in the home and take care of the grocery shopping, dishes, cooking, cleaning, purchasing the children’s items, school supplies every year, kids clothes, shoes, coats. They don’t plan doctor's and dentists visits, and they complain that they’re too tired when they come home from work to help you with the kids yet YOU most likely will also have had to work all day and still take care of the kids after 5 pm. They want you to ‘submit’ and cook for them, essentially serve them yet when you neglect your own self-care because you know, DUH, you’re caring for EVERYONE ELSE and you can’t care for yourself you will gain weight, not have your regular hair, nail, facial appointments. You won’t have any money for those appointments anymore because your kids will cost too much money and remember: he WANTED you to stay at home with your family, so you have to rely on his dumb low-paying paycheck! Now he doesn’t like you anymore and he’s complaining that you’re not in the mood to have sex as much, not to mention that your body probably won’t be as sexy as it was when you were in your 20s because kids! Aging, and lack of time and money to care for yourself as you did when you had kids. So then he cheats and if you try to get a divorce you’ll still be blamed and suffer because you’ll have the kids during the week. After all, he’s never had to do the laundry or grocery shop, but you were the problem the whole time. Yeah, I don’t care that* much that they’re having these issues, especially when they blame us for everything. They genuinely don’t care about our lives or our side. They literally say that they want us for silence, sex, and sandwiches. They don’t deserve a loving wife and kids. They don’t deserve a kind woman who will sacrifice her time, body, and health to have their babies. 

[mjlovescm]

can you make a fic where the reader and Rodrick Heffley has make up sex those are the best ( i also love literally everything you write)

Makeup sex, 🍋 Rodrick Heffley

Author's note: This takes place during the third movie dog days, Rodrick is 17 in the first one dog days takes place 2-3 years later, so he is over 18. I just wanted to say that in case anyone was worried about me writing smut of minor characters, which I would never do. Thank you for being my first request and for reading my stuff in general, the support truly means the world to me. 

You weren't sure why you thought dating Rodrick was going to be easy, but you were surely mistaken. All you wanted to do the summer after your graduation was be with your boyfriend, and instead he rather flirts with Heather Hills at the Country Club. Which truly you had no idea how he got into. 

“Can you at least let me explain.” Rodrick called after you to slow down, but still you continue your angry walk. “Listen to me, I know what it looked like, but I can explain.” 

“There's nothing to explain.” You yelled, not bothering to stop or face him. “I can't believe after all this time you’re still obsessed with Heather.” You hissed. 

Still angry, you stepped up the three stairs to your front door and quickly brought out your house key to unlock the door before Rodrick could catch up. And of course, in this moment of frustration, your fingers fumble the keys, and they fall. Not giving yourself a moment to calm down and aware that Rodrick was catching up immediately you go to pick them up. Trying to open the door again, you struggle to get the key into the hole and of course they drop again. And again you go to pick them up and so does Rodrick. He swipes them before you can, steps back with them in his hand. 

“Listen.” He breathes, taking a moment to catch his breath. “To me.” 

You cross your arms and give him a mean look. 

“I know it looks bad, but it’s not what you think. Okay, just let's go to your room and talk.” 

“I don’t feel like talking to you right now.” You're quick to say, grabbing at the keys, before Rodrick pulls back and dodges your attempt. 

He sighs. 

“I know, but just let me explain, and I promise this will make sense.” 

After a moment of trying to wait him out, you gave in and you and Rodrick went upstairs to let him explain. You were still upset, but ultimately Rodrick was your boyfriend and if he had a good explanation, there would be no reason to change that. 

“So were you flirting with a girl that's NOT your girlfriend?” You told him sitting on your bed. 

“Okay, so you know how Greg has a crush on Holly.” He starts, and already you were searching for a connection. Maybe they wanted to double-date ? “But I had a crush on Heather right, but we both know how what ended.” 

“Yea, everyone who went to Heather's birthday know how that ended.” You shrug and Rodrick narrows his eyes at the comment, but decided to ignore it. 

“So because of that, Heather doesn't want Holly hanging out with Greg.” Rodrick says as if he doesn't understand her logic. 

“I don’t blame her.” You say to yourself. 

“So as a favor to my dear little brother, I did the dirty work and kept heather busy.” Rodrick finishes, giving you a nod a smile, thinking he just did an amazing job. 

“That’s so stupid.” You told him honestly and his smile drops. 

“How else was I supposed to distract her.” 

“I don’t know, fake drown in the pool.” You told, throwing your hands up, still irritated by the whole situation. 

Sitting beside you on your bed, Rodrick gave you a moment to calm down, understating that this  wasn't something you could just be okay with instantly. Even with a good, somewhat good explanation. Instinctively you leaned your head onto his and Rodrick wrapped an arm over your shoulder. Whispering a small “I'm sorry.” into your hair. The moment passes, and you take your head off of Rodrick’s to look at him. 

His arm slides off your shoulder, but Rodrick keeps his hands gently on the back of the back of your neck. You look into the deep brown of each other's eyes, and Rodrick’s thumb strokes your skin. At first, neither of you could tell that your heads were coming closer. But when your attention started to flicker back and forth from each other's eyes and each other's lips, you both decided it was best to just embrace it. 

Rodrick’s lips meet yours, and so does his other hand on the side of your face. The kiss is sweet, soft and screams “I’m sorry.”, “I’m so stupid.” and “I’ll never do it again.”. It should have been a quick small kiss but when you started to pull away Rodrick wasn't ready to let go. Pulling your head forward, he leans into your lips with a groan. 

You fall back onto the bed, your legs leaving space for Rodrick to lay between them. You make a sound that matches his, and quickly things intensify. Shamelessly, you and Rodrick indulge in each other's bodies. Completely forgetting the prior conflict and now instead focusing on the feeling of grinding against each other. The rough layers of denim and underwear creating more sensitivity and friction, quickly working you both up. 

Taking a break from the borderline make out session the two of you were having, Rodrick struggled to keep his composure. Breaking away from your lips every few seconds to replace the breath of air that was lacking from his lungs before deciding he wanted to actually breathe and moved onto your neck. Placing his forearms at either side of your head as he peppers the underside of your jaw with his lips. You moan and squirm in response, and Rodrick chuckles between kisses. 

“You like that, huh?” He whispers against your skin. 

You did, of course you did, but there was no reason for Rodrick to gloat about it. An idea forms in your mind, and you smile, wrapping your legs around him and pulling him closer. This catches Rodrick by surprise and his arms weaken, pressing yourself more into his growing bulge, you slow your hip movements. He tries to use his hands to steady himself, but he fails and falls back onto you. 

“Fuck.” He whimpers your name beside your ear, and you bite your lip in arousal. 

“Yea.” You whisper in a condescending tone. “Yea you like that huh?” You mock his previous words, and Rodrick struggles to say anything. 

Right now he’s all moans and whimpers. That along with his sweet words of encouragement to keep your hips moving. Breathless quick “Just like that.” and “Keep going.”. 

You were really letting him enjoy the moment, but now that you were in control, you definitely hadn't forgotten about the Country Club. That and Rodrick bullshit reasoning. Sure, you believed him, but regardless, the whole situation was wrong. Now a bit annoyed as well as turned on by your boyfriend, you wanted to switch things up. Randomly you release  Rodrick from your grasps and for him the denial is instant. 

“What th-” He whines, but it's cut off by you pushing Rodrick onto his back.

Already desperate for each other’s  touch, you and Rodrick quickly take off your clothes. Grabbing a condom before carelessly discarding on the floor before getting a new position. One where you were on top of Rodrick. 

“Are you sure you wanna do it like this?” He sounds confused but more than that, excited hands already reaching for your chest. 

“I wouldn’t get in this position if I wasn't sure.” You told with an underlying attitude he’s too distracted to pick up on. 

Slowly, with patience and lots of little and not too little noises, you sink yourself onto Rodrick. Giving you both a moment to get used to the position before you start moving. And already Rodrick struggles to keep up with you, normally you would start slow and let things progress based on the both of you. But right now you were throwing that out the window and instead doing this the way you wanted to. And truthfully, Rodrick didn't seem to mind one bit. 

He adored watching you on top of him, only having to work his mouth and hands while you made the both of you feel good. The weight of your body pushing Rodrick more and more into the bed as you bounce on Rodrick’s dick, your thighs, and ass jiggling as you did so. Moans of Rodrick's name leaving you as his fingers pulling and twisting one of your nipples while his mouth worked the other one. The hardened nub falling in and out of Rodrick's lips as you continued to work your hips, not daring to stop the growing feeling of impending orgasm in both of your stomachs.   

“Fuck.” The word is sharp and quick. “Fuck, fuc-ahh just uh- like- that. Just like that.” He encourages you.

“Promise me you’re never gonna do anything that stupid again.” You blurted out him, mind partially still on the Heather situation.

“I won’t.” Rodrick whines. 

“And you’re never gonna flirt with anyone who isn't me.” 

“No n-never.” He reassures you. 

With Rodrick's promise in mind you were sent over the edge and for those seconds of pure bliss and pleasure you thought about nothing but your boyfriend. Not as the guys who crushed on Heather Hills for years. Or ruined her birthday or even worse flirted with her as a way to help his little brother. But as your boyfriend. Your Rodrick.

“Are you still pissed?” Rodrick asked you once the after orgasm clarity kicked in. 

Ignoring it, you climb off of him and laid beside him, exhausted. 

“Are you gonna do this every time we argue ?” He asks between breaths, his chest rising and falling. “I think I kinda like sex better when you're pissed off.” 

“Really?” You say with a chuckle. 

He nods. 

“Definitely.”

Masterlist

[seresinhangmanjake]

Signed Away

Jake “Hangman” Seresin x Reader Series

Summary: You find out about the contractual marriage your parents arranged with Jake’s when you were a baby. You’re plently angered by it, but Jake doesn’t seem too bothered. He might even be happy. 

Notes/Warnings: cursing, fluff, eventual smut, angst, contract marriage, loss of rights, feelings of being trapped, poor parent/child relationships. 

This will be a bunch of fairly short chapters/drabbles, but considering there are generous time skips, I felt like it made the most sense. This is also just kind of a tester chapter. Idk that anyone is going to like it. As always, comments can make my bad days worth getting through, so i’ll never not appreciate them. Reblogs and likes make me smile uncontrollably, but no pressure :)

Masterlist

Part 1 - Words: 1340

For too long, it was never spoken aloud. Not by your fathers. Not by your mothers. Not by aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters, cousins. And yet it was known. Expected. Silently proposed, accepted, and settled on long before you understood the role requiring your fulfillment upon your twenty-first birthday, long before you knew what a birthday even was. And it was non-negotiable. You would be Jake Seresin’s wife. You just didn’t know it. Because while everyone else had been well aware, they neglected to inform you.

 -----

“You know we’re supposed to be dating, don’t you?”

That was the first thing a freshly graduated, 23-year-old Jake Seresin told you within his first week back on Texas soil. He sipped his beer as he stared out at the nearly one-hundred guests thoroughly filling out the space of his parents’ backyard for his Homecoming party.

You watched the summer heat condensation trail onto his hand from the glass bottle as he took another sip. “Excuse me?”

He smiled and waved at the partiers that did the same for him, some dressed like Sunday church-goers—clearly his parent’s guests—others laying around the pool in bikini’s so small they looked like spring breakers looking for anonymous, uncomplicated sex—his guests for sure. Abs and tits dripped with droplets of chlorinated water, drawing wet lines down their bodies that forced an onlooker’s eye to follow.

Despite it all, Jake kept his attention on you. “Nineteen, right?”

With a pinched brow, you gave him a quick questioning glance.

“I mean I know we haven’t spent a lot of personal time together in the last decade, but I’m pretty sure your birthday is the same,” he said with a devastating smirk that briefly sputtered your heartbeat.

No wonder he knew all of these tight-bodied, made-up women. They probably threw themselves at him constantly if that was the look he was shooting their way. Their glaring at you suddenly made a mountain of sense. Jealousy at its finest, solely from his proximity to another girl.

“You’re nineteen.”

Oh…right. “So?” you replied, failing at casually taking a long drink of the soda in your own bottle. You coughed when a bit of the liquid travelled down the wrong pipe, sparking the snarky chuckles from the near-naked women thirty feet away.

“So,” Jake stretched the syllable, impressively without managing to sound like an immature child. “You’re a grown woman, I’ve finally finished college, it’s only a matter of time before our sides start to ache from our mothers’ nudging elbows.”

Your scowl at his guests dropped once his words sunk it, and you paused, forgetting about anyone else entirely. You let out an unattractive snort that would’ve bloomed a dark shade of pink across your cheeks and chest had not the lunacy of what he was saying overpowered any embarrassment. “You sound like a crazy person,” you said. “No wonder we stopped being friends when we were little.”

“Yea, I’m sure the four-year age difference in school had nothing to do with it.”

What thirteen-year-old wants a nine-year-old little girl following him around? Somehow it was still fresh. You’d cried for what felt like days after he’d yelled that and promptly walked off with his friends, leaving you alone in the park to twiddle your thumbs and try to hold in the tears until you made it back to your bedroom. You didn’t have other friends to turn to. And that hadn’t so much changed as you aged.

“Look, Seresin, I don’t know how drunk you are to have crafted whatever ridiculous thoughts you have in your mind, or maybe you’re fucking with me to give your friends a show, but whatever it is, just so we’re clear, I’m not going to date you.” You gave a sharp nod, your own form of a solid pat on the back for standing up for yourself and preserving your dignity in the face of a man so irritatingly attractive. Had you not known him from the moment of your birth, you might have thrown yourself at his feet and thanked him for the consideration of being his potential partner.

He was entirely unphased and made sure you knew it by the deep chuckle he released. “Pretty sure you don’t have a choice, sweetheart,” he said. “We could wait I guess, but it’s probably best we spend the next two years getting to know one another again, I’d think. I don’t have any intention of marrying someone who has grown to be a stranger.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

-----

“Darling, stop this wild pacing,” you mother said from her seat. “It makes you look unhinged.”

To her credit, it got you to stop, but you stared at her with eyes likely wilder than a raging monkey. “Mom!”

“It’s not that big of a deal. He’s a handsome man. You’ll be fine.”

“You have got to be kidding me!” Your hands flew up in the air before they fell back to your sides, limp as a ragdoll beaten to death by fist after fist. “Why has no one, not a single fucking soul—”

“Language, young lady.”

“—ever fucking told me about this?”

“Y/N, your mouth!”

“Is that really what you care about right now!” you snapped, pointing a finger at her. “You and dad sold me off!”

She sighed, dejected at your outburst, and yet she still managed to look the prim, perfect woman she was, her hands delicately folded in her lap, legs properly crossed at the ankles. “That is not what happened.”

You scoffed. “Oh, no?”

Her head tilted and a manicured eyebrow rose. You’d recognize that gesture anywhere, too often from your childhood. She was waiting for you to get yourself together before she presented you with her speech. So you took a deep breath, allowed your arms to unweave from in front of your chest, and straightened your spine. She’d want more, but it was the best you were willing to give.

“When you were a baby,” she began, “your father and George Seresin merged their companies, as you know, and to ensure they each have a hand in the business after their deaths, they decided a merger of another form would be beneficial as well,” she paused as if that alone explained the madness, but then continued once it became clear you weren’t going to immediately snap at her. “You and Jake, as a couple, will run the company one day and—”

“And you didn’t think to share this with me?”

“Why tell you before it was necessary?”

“Jake knows!”

“That’s a recent development,” your mother said, shifting uncomfortably on the chaise longue. “And only because he inquired as to whether or not you currently have a boyfriend. Amelia felt it a good time to tell him that your relationship status with other men wouldn’t be worth the concern.”

Of course, he would get to know by asking a simple question. Of course, it would fall into his lap. His mother held a respect for him yours for you did not. A wife, for fucks sake. You would be his damn wife. And to the woman who birthed you, that acknowledgement couldn’t possibly be shown more casually. “Unbelievable,” you muttered.

“He’s very handsome.”

“As if that’s all that matters.”

She stood on her three-inch satin heels that clicked against the hardwood when she made her way over to you. A coco-butter-moisturized hand cupped your cheek. The other brushed the unruly hair from your face. “You could do much worse, darling, and I’m not sure much better. He could have waited to mention it, but he clearly wants to fall in love the old-fashioned way, and he’s willing to give you almost two whole years to fall with him.”

Smacking her hands away from your face, you took a step out of the cloud of Chanel perfume, and granted her a look that, directed at you, would’ve had you shrinking in your spot, but your mother stood firm.

“That’s not going to happen,” you said. 

And you would make sure of it. 

tags: @marvel-ousnesss @thespeeder @nobody7102 @marrianena @fangirlingoverfangirls @blue-aconite @my-soulmate-is-mycroft @dempy @chaoticassidy @alana4610 @hotch-meeeeeuppppp @dracosluvbot @smoothdogsgirl @smit41​

[drabbles-mc]

Quick Rinse

Coco Cruz x F!Reader

Request from Anon: Can I possibly pretty pretty please 🍒 😁 request a lovely smutty with Coco where the reader is fresh out of the shower cause it’s hot as balls out and she is laying on their bed butt ass naked and he comes home and sees her, and asks if she was waiting for him as he is kissing up her legs and she meantions that it was too hot and didn’t want to shower again as he is running his nose along her left butt cheek (they both just discovered that it’s one of her new turn spots it was just her ears before) and he says well we can shower again cause seeing you naked (bites said butt cheek) is doing things to him.

Warnings: unprotected sex, mentions of bodily fluids, spanking, language

Word Count: 1.4k

A/N: I had to brush the cobwebs out of my brain for this one because I cannot remember the last time that I wrote smut lmao. I didn’t explicitly mention a couple of the background details just for the sake of jumping right into the story. Hope you enjoy!

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You were sprawled out on you bed, laying on your stomach. You were scrolling idly on your phone, not thinking too much of the fact that you hadn’t redressed after your shower. Summers in Santo Padre were always brutal, and today was no exception. Truthfully, you felt like the shower hadn’t done too much good and you felt like you were going to be taking another one before the day was out.

The distant rumble of Coco’s bike could be heard from your bedroom. You didn’t bother getting up, knowing that his first stop once he got inside and took his boots off was going to be the bedroom. At this point you could’ve counted it off on a timer, he was so calculated with his daily routines. You heard the clunking of him taking his boots off, and you knew that next he would shrug off his kutte and drape it over the nearest piece of furniture, he’d pause and think about possibly grabbing himself a drink from the fridge, only to decide that it could wait and he would come and say hello to you first.

Hardly a couple minutes went by before you heard the creaking of the floorboards outside the bedroom. There was the creaking of the door opening and not even a second later, a low whistle filled the air.

“Damn,” Coco walked over and sat on the edge of the bed, running his hand up the back of your calf, “I woulda left the clubhouse sooner if I knew I was comin’ home to this.”

You laughed, shaking your head as you continued to scroll on your phone, “My ass looks the same now as it did an hour ago, Coco. You didn’t miss anything.”

He shifted so he was straddling you, still just below your knees, “You mean you weren’t just laying here waiting for me like this?”

His hands continued to roam up your calves and thighs, and it was only a matter of moments before you felt his lips pressing light, affectionate kisses against your skin. the way his lips brushed so lightly over your skin made you squirm slightly as you giggled. Each of his hands were lightly gripping the backs of your thighs, thumbs tracing back and forth. You hummed in approval, glancing back over your shoulder at him.

“Came home just to give me a massage?”

“Nah, but,” his lips trailed kisses up your thighs, “I got some other ideas for things we could do.”

Rolling your eyes, you shook your head, “Coco I just showered and I don’t wanna take another one already. It’s too hot for this shit.”

“You’re too hot to just be layin’ here like this and expecting me not to do something about it,” he pressed a soft kiss to your butt cheek and you hated that that was all it took to get the gears turning in your mind.

“Coco…” it was a hint of a warning.

“C’mon, querida, we can always just take another shower afterwards. ‘Cause this is already driving me crazy,” he nipped at the skin he’d just kissed, eliciting a yelp from you, not having expected it. His grip on your legs tightened as he kissed your ass again, and you could already feel your body giving into him as he continued to speak, “I’ll make it worth your while.”

The low rasp in his voice did you in. Your muscles all relaxed as you responded, “You always do.”

You could feel the way that his lips curled into a smile against you, and you couldn’t help but to smile as well. He pressed one more hard kiss to your cheek before backing up off the bed. He was off the mattress just long enough to discard the rest of his clothes, and you found yourself biting down on your bottom lip as you watched him strip, seeing that he was already getting hard. Then he was back on the bed, kneeling behind you as he positioned your legs to his liking. You watched him over your shoulder as his eyes raked over your body. His tongue ran along his bottom lip, letting you know that he was thinking about each and every move he was about to make.

His hands gripped you by the hips and lifted you up, and you could feel your body shivering with anticipation. Glancing back over your shoulder, you watched as his one hand ran along the curve of your ass as he brought the other up to his mouth. He spit into the palm of his hand before running it along his length, the grip of his other hand tightening on your ass as he did. A whine slipped past your lips as you watched him stroke himself, and his mouth instantly curled into a smirk at the sound.

He lined himself up at your entrance, “You know I always got you,” he pulled you back by your hips, easily sliding himself into you, “Right?”

A low shuddering moan came from you, filling the room. You could hear Coco cursing under his breath as he began to thrust into you. You immediately tightened around him, having missed the feeling of him inside you. Your fingers gripped the bedsheets, jaw going slack as his pace increased. Your brain was about to completely blank out in ecstasy when you felt his hand come down hard on your ass.

“Fuck,” you gasped out as the stinging sensation went through you.

“You like that shit?” you weren’t looking at him but you could tell from the tone of his voice that he had a smug grin on his face as he continued fucking you.

The word, “Yes,” slipped past your lips but it was hardly audible. Speaking was the farthest thing from your mind at the moment.

Usually Coco liked to take advantage of you when you were like that, tried to drag more words out of you just because he liked to hear you struggle to string them together. There was something powerful about knowing that he could do that to you. But this time, he didn’t. He rubbed his hand over the place that he’d just struck, causing you to push back into his touch.

You could feel yourself getting closer and closer, your body beginning to tense up around him. You knew he could feel it, too, because his grip on your hips began to tighten, slamming into you with more and more force. Not that you cared, but you were fairly certain that your nails were about to tear through the thin fabric of your bedsheets.

Pushing back so that his body connected with yours as deeply as it could, you came around him. Despite the fact that the only thing on your mind was how amazing it felt to having him still pounding into you, you heard the breath that he sucked in when he felt you tighten around him as you came. There would definitely be bruises where his fingers were with the way that he held you so tightly as he chased his own high.

You were content to let him use you, the overstimulation of him continuing to fuck you through your orgasm leaving you unable to do much else. You felt the calloused pads of his fingers as he ran his hand up your back. His fingers curled around your shoulder as his pace grew sloppy, the noises he was making more guttural. It was only a matter of a few more moments before you felt him pull out of you completely, the sudden emptiness catching you off-guard. The low moan he let out as he finished on your back was music to your ears.

He collapsed on the bed next to you, trying to catch his breath, “Fuck,” he let out a raspy laugh.

You chuckled, your mind still reeling, “Yea.”

“You good?” he raised his eyebrows as he asked.

Watching the way his chest rose and fell rapidly, you nodded, “I’m good.”

He leaned in, kissing you lightly on the lips, “I love you.”

You hummed in approval, “I love you too. But,” you saw the shift in his expression at your caveat and you tried not to laugh, “now I really need to take a fucking shower.”

He chuckled, “Can I come with you?”

“No point in saying no to you now, right?” you laughed as you carefully made your way to the edge of the bed, “But you’re in charge of scrubbing my back.”

He laughed, “Fine.”

“Hey,” you grabbed the towels off your bedroom door, “You make the mess, you gotta clean it up.”