#always happy to spread a little detrans awareness

[yappacadaver]

I'm totally not trying to be insensitive, I'm only wondering out of sheer morbid curiosity - your bio says FtMtF; have you touched on that before at all, the "why" or just your experience in general? Please don't answer if it's crossing a boundary. Your blog is great, you're great, love your Rayumi content so much. ❤️

Hey no worries, I’ve talked pretty openly about my detransition on here cause it’s important to me! Both for who I am as a person and to spread awareness.

But yea I medically transitioned from 2015 - 2020, taking exogenous testosterone and having a double mastectomy. I detransitioned due to regret. In a lot of ways, my transition was an expression of self harm and suicidality. I had been a victim of sexist violence before, my dad had just started escalating his abuse, and I wanted to be anything but a woman— and anyone but myself.

Being gnc, it seemed very natural for me to transition. I was told by my therapist that wishing I was a boy made me a boy (false, you can only wish to be something if you are already not that thing) and that transition would help my suicidal tendencies. Turns out, transition was a great way to express my suicidality.

I got my double mastectomy around 2018 and that was close to the final straw. Per my transition goals, it was the last procedure I wanted to have, but it didn’t make me feel more comfortable or myself. I was just missing parts now. I also had a girlfriend at the time, and watching her try and dance around mentioning or interacting with my sex was hard. I realized I wanted to be her girlfriend too, and from there I had to finally examine why I felt I had to transition and what it was exactly that made me want to destroy myself.

In 2020 I cut my father off for good and began the process of telling everyone else the news about who I am. It is so much harder to come out as detrans, to admit to that mistake. My family was frustrated with me, most of them still don’t understand it. I still live with a lot of very difficult regret— I’ll never have my breasts or voice back and I miss those parts of me so much. There’s a lot of health issues i induced/worsened with testosterone, binding, and surgery. Some of which I was made aware of by doctors when they attempted to get informed consent, and some they neglected to bring to my attention. I wasted a lot of time and energy trying to become what I’m not, and a lot of people I met only ever knew that facade. I only have one friend from before my transition who’s stuck around, but she’s a real treasure and I’m very lucky.

But tysm anon for asking about it, and I’m glad you like my rayumi art!!! It means a lot to me 😭😭 I hope you enjoy your stay on my blog ✌︎('ω'✌︎ )