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if-we-are-free-tell-me-why · 1 month ago

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every time I hear someone say "oh you have to listen to Dear Evan Hansen it has such good mental health representation" I cry in Next to Normal

#next to normal #and yes this is based on a true story #generally I dont try to juck anyones jum so I of course didn't tell that person what I was thinking at that moment #and if someone found Dear Evan Hansen a useful text in terms of their own mental health journey who am I to discredit that #but this is the internet and I am back on the ntn train #in a way it is my saf autumn musical #and yes I am a survior of the 2017 Tony Awards why were you asking?#no but seriously #it is so interesting how many narrative devices Dear Evan Hansen took from Next to Normal #but turned them into a less complete piece #like Gabe in ntn is a representation of unadressed grief and trauma and the family has to accept that he will never be really gone #and connor is just...idk not fully thought out?#idk I'm rambling #but also #how the love story between Henry and Natalie means something #Natalie sees her parent's relationship and desperately doesn't want that for herself and Henry at the same time also stand for #a piece of normalcy that seems attainable #you don't sit there and think hu why is there this completely separate love story thrown in there?#it mirrors the problems #and dear evan hansen #do I even have to say it #I thnk the thing I resent it most for is that it has a love story #naja #I'm of listening to net to normal some more #sorry I someone who really likes deh stumbles accross this #I feel like espechially musicals can be something that can be so personal #and I don't actually want to contribute to more stuff like #ew why do you like this when theres xyz that is so much better or morally purer or whatever #I guess what I do want to say is: if I had a nickle for everytime they made a musical about mental health where theres a ghost on stage and #the sister of the dead kid falls in love with a funny guy while her family is falling apart

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pleasedontcareaboutme · 1 month ago

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It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry

( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)

(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)

#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him #I always knew he was a parental figure for me #but now I connected the dots #How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life #that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so #and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life #ofc ud become attached #i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him #he occupies most of my thoughts honestly #But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life #i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an #bloom and be free #and that's what ill try to do #but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness #its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired #somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea #how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi #g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if #lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways #sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay #yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le #go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk #how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate #my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t #me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol #so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest #y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t #ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti #ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd

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spaghett-onaplate · 5 months ago

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depression is really weird actually wdym i spent 2.5 years of my life in bed

#and wdym that lifestyle changed so quickly into being out and about and an active member of the world??#very proud of myself #and i mean it wasn't that quick of a change #it was like 1.5 years primarily depression bedrotting with occasional school -> primarily depression bedrotting ->#primarily depression bedrotting with 3-9 hours of work weekly -> straight into 31+ hours school+9-12 hours work weekly #so there was somewhat of a gradual progression #but still #also wowza i wake up 7-7:30am every morning now. 1pm was an early wake up for a not so insignificant amount of time #i mean of all fundamental growth years to miss out on the ages like what 12/13-15 aren't too bad? they would suck in a different way if i #had been socially involved #anyway it's just. yea i'm proud of myself but it is a crazy lifestyle change #and even when i was deeply depressed in a horrible routine i feel like i learned a lot. how to regulate my emotions and cope well and find #the joy in everything. bc if i stayed in bed all day then i would at least be happy about the sun or whatever #and for the while of being not at school at all i WANTED to be at school i just could not find one bc our school system is so cute like tha #(basically every school is at capacity and the local school that has a guaranteed place for me would have been an all boys or girls 😭)#but i miraculously found and got into this school and miraculously made it work so well for me socially and now academically #it's also a good time to get back into school for my education bc any later and it woulda been pretty bad for all my certifications and uni #ive missed out on so much maths that its not worth it to me to try and catch up but my teacher knows that #but ive always hated maths regardless i only ever understood it for the first half of yr 7 then my attendance dropped #and after my recent exam i decided to try harder at school. but i still got an A on the exam i didn't study for!! academic weapon fr #i'm just idk thinking back to myself in the past few years #and how hopeless it all felt. but i got out of it!! i beat the depression and social anxiety and found a good place and made the most of it #and during the peak of my depression i remember i went out someplace near my old school and panicked so so badly about seeing #kids from my old school. and the friends at the time didnt really check on me when i went to shake and cry in a side street lmao #i kept the best of that friendgroup and have better friends now. but anyway now i take a bus each morning with some kids from my old school #and you see these hands? they look like they're shaking to you?#anyway yeah it's just cool i got to this point :) i really had no hope for so long but now i have a life i'm living and a future i'm build #--ing towards #which is funny i just decided some random day last november after watching some better call saul 'huh actually lawyer would b pretty cool'#and will i get there? we'll see but i do have hope now

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dreamieparadise · 2 months ago

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Oh yeah since Jojo exposed the Momina 8 children fiasco I should add that when Hayato realizes that his children don't have a tribe (its through your dad) that actually makes him distraught!!! Momina comforts him by reminding him they have their own...tribe...I'm gonna throw up. I'm gonna choke her with her own intestines!!!

I blacked out in anger and snapped in the tags but also this is so long (tags) so I'll add here...really considered them having 9 kids because I think it'd be very funny for the two oldest to look at their dad like he's a monster. :) they did when the twins were born when they were 16 and 15 but would it not be even funnier if they visit from college and it's love "surprise! Hooyo is pregnant (again)!!" :) unfortunately I said Momina would be 41 when the twins are born BUT IMAGINE? Maybe for Mafia hs au 🙄

#khr ocs #momo x gokudera #tbh I actually hate it so bad when ppl misuse tribe and say dumb things like 'I found my tribe' fjjf #like unless you were out here actually doing that stfu #also I said tribe but in Somali its qabil so I may start using that instead 🤔#apparently that is ALSO an arabic loan word lmaooo #anyway I dont know how other tribes work but I also dont use Clan for Somali ppl #bc from what I've seen they all have the same last name? We dont! you take your father's last name #and for some reason I've seen the take that 'ppl in tribes arent related' and I assume its the last name thing?#but in Somali ppl's case that is completely incorrect #and ngl I assume that ppl in tribes are related on someway but this goes against some things white researchers have said #but I checked now and it says they tend to have a common ancestor so progress 😭#anyway I AM RANTING THIS IS AN IMPORTANT TOPIC TO MEEEE #despite how messy tribalism is I really love what it means to have a tribe okay #anyway Momina that traitorous BITCH would say that!!#also anyway 8 kids is funny to me bc I actually have 7 siblings 😀#the most I know in my family is my paternal auntie who had 14

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cerealmonster15 · 5 months ago

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i dont think i ever felt more annoyed at commercials than when those mean girls walmart ads were playing a few months ago or whenever that was

#i think it's mostly bc i thought mean girls was like. an okay movie. a fine movie? i think i liked it #but like. i saw it once. i have no nostalgia for it bc i saw it way later/not when it originally came out #and god the way people are so into it. i mean that is great like i dont wanna be a hater for people enjoying things #but me personally. i do not understand why it's a cult classic or whatever klsjfkdlsfj i hear people quote it all the time and im like. 🧍#so having those quotes i already dont care about re contextualized to try to sell me walmart. god. the worst experience jkfsdjfklJFDKLSJF #tbh maybe it woudlve been worse if i liked the movie but i saw comments saying those commercials were funny so WHATEVER #i feel like it's also the same w/like. vocaloid kfsjdflksjgh like i dont dislike it!! i enjoy some songs #but i never had a vocaloid phase when i was younger. i feel so very neutral about miku #ppl on the internet feel so strongly positive and again thats great and i objectively get it #ive been shown vocaloid songs and some are really catchy #but it is one of those instances where im like man. a level of hype i dont fully understand LOL #miku vocaloid stuff is at least endearing tho. i get.... tired... w/mean girls quotes......... ksljfsljfl #It's Always The Same Ones and i just dont think theyre very funny FKJLDSJFDKLSJF maybe i am a hater damn #jk i do think i liked the movie? god i dont remember i watched it like. i dont even know when. college at the earliest i think #but whatever thats just a case of people having different interests just cuz i didnt care about a thing doesnt man its bad other ppl like i #also tho i think bc the mean girls overquoted bits remind me of like. rae dunn ceramics LOL jkfskfjsekht #or like idk live laugh love stuff. yknow like. dont talk to me until ive had my coffee has same energy as on wednesdays we wear pink. to me #it's facebook wine mom humor.... bc it is people roughly my age that were/are really into it and they are now mom age i guess lwpfhewhfp #god i need to go to bed im tired and it's making me a cranky complainer about stuff that doesnt matter!!!!#went 2 my dash in a dif tab and immediately saw a miku post is she gonna get me for not having strong feelings about her #im sorry miku i just . i dont get it JKFLJDSKLFJKSLD #ur music is fun i just dont proportionately understand. i feel like im missing context w/this one girl maybe thats my bad idk #or maybe it's just i found u too late idk. i will jam to the bops tho #that endless/everlasting/whatever nights thing w/like the 4 alt storyline songs is soooo fun i love those #dont ask me the names of the ppl in them tho i dont fuckin know besides like. 3 of them. one is miku LOL #and those yellow twin kids. len and ren. or rin? len and rin? i dont remember and i dont care enough to look it up sorry small children #theres that blue haired guy that was in the one prsk route i played but i forgot his name again #i dont know if hes in those songs i was talkin about tho i only remember what he looks like in his youthful wonderland alt loll #i talk in the tags bc i get scared it feels safe in my burrow here underground #also im calling mean girls mid and saying i dont have miku hype so i feel like that does warrant going into hiding

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waywardsalt · 5 months ago

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anyways. holding linebeck gently

#some assorted untagged linebeck thoughts tonight cuz hey why not its been a Day of ups and downs and he’s been there in my mind #sometime this month i do want to make some images of him w/ the pride flags of my hcs so general gay and then mlm and then intersex #general post ph crew rundown theres linebeck and then damien is bi and trans and bellum doesnt fucking care and link is figuring it out #so its half we got it and half man i have other things to worry about #i feel like you put linebeck and midna in a room and they are gay/lesbian buddies mlm/wlw solidarity thats what they are to me #anyways. revisited my post abt possession aftermath effects. you can probably tell i enjoy hurt/comfort/whump #smth darkly funny to me abt extremely sick and delirious linebeck and worried link kinda hanging out in his room #with link being like i bet youll be fine!!! you’re recover youre fine. and linebeck just saying kid i have rabies symptoms #anyways he lives hes fine he survives the magic squid rabies. to calm the characters nerves and my own ive decided that once hes well enoug #linebeck and link decide to visit the fairy queen to get some kinda divine checkup and to get the closure of. linebeck is fine he’s fine #nothing malicious is lingering youre good just. get some more bed rest #i do like the idea that when hes got some minor injury to the degree of some little papercur linebeck is incredibly bitchy and whatnot #and then when he’s in genuine danger of dying he’s eerily chill abt it. while recovering from possession one day when he can walk he just #chills on the deck when theres no breeze just smoking. ofc hes terrified inside but fuck if hes going to be obvious abt it (when lucid)#could tie that to his trauma n whatever ig but rn i dont have the energy to really think on it idk hes had enough bad injuries #and has found that when hes actively distressed crying out and whatnot didnt really get people to help #like its smth he learned early on his brother was there and there was just enough but like yknow. wasnt ingrained ig #thats a different thing to be lumped into the idea of him learning that its fine to be more vulnerable abt what you feel n need n want #prob smth he practices with link i mean damien is good but he needs to learn to listen instead of assume for that first bit #uhhh. earlier today i almost made a vent post but didnt but i think the gist was god i need to stop comparing other loz things to my iwn #bc it never never ends well. anyways. uhhh. came up with a possible post ph story arc for bellum n link #and decided to revive an older one with link and linebeck. post ph is really really just its own thing tbh #ofc meant to be a sorta fan sequel thing but between the disregarding of canon sequel stuff and not really adhering to the feeling n whatno #its just its own thing and i like it. ill prob delete this later

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bmpmp3 · 6 months ago

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i need more variety of relationships in my ocs, most of them are either besties, worsties, or like. coworkers. i barely even have any ocs with siblings

#bibi has an older brother who hates his ass. i havent finished designing him yet #and theres my harpy girl and her son #WAIT siren has like three siblings and a weird mom #but yeah my ocs are usually either like best friends forever (kind of romantically)#weird rival type characters with eachother #or. coworkers. a lot of them are coworkers. what does this mean. why am i like this #im not even an only child or anything why do i keep forgetting that siblings are real. my older brother is literally like 20 feet away rn #i NEED more familial relationships among my ocs this is dire. they cant all be coworkers.#i dunno i was thinking about how much i love like those romance fantasy manhwa but specifically i ADORE the ones with kids #ONE because i love a mom main character BUT ALSO because im realizing thats a really great way to see different kinds of characters #in a romance story. like a main character with her kid or neice or nephew or young cousin or like some random kid they found outside #different ages of characters and such. i also love when theres older characters. he doesnt look like it but i did love the ancient guy who #wanted raelina as his granddaughter so so badly. i do like the overly doting grandparent character type in these stories theyre funny #i gotta design more characters to be all kinds of ages and relationships between eachother. and also i neeeeeed to make more antagonists #i neeeeeeeeeeeeeeed to make bad guys to beat up my main ocs. i need to put them in SITUATIONS

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bunnyb34r · 11 months ago

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I will say I was laughing so hard my stomach hurt a little when my aunt had told me why my "cousin" (her niece, one I cut off. Tradwife cousin) isn't talking to her

So cousin's kids all look like fucking Charles Dickens orphan characters with these huge ass foreheads, whispy ass hair, and huge like sunken looking eyes. Well she had sent my aunt a picture of the kids and the one looked so fucking raggedy like always and she had asked if my cousin had ever seen "Call the Midwife", bc that's who her kids looked like, the kids on the show. She meant this as a compliment.

My cousin goes no I haven't, what do those kids look like?

And this is where my aunt made the mistake, she said they were desolate poor kids who like never had nice clothes. Not connecting that she was telling her that her KIDS then looked desolate and poor. (I was already cackling bc accurate. I know her husband makes a LOT of money and I know how much our aunt left her bc I've seen the will/got the same amount. So all together she's like upper middle class. They CAN afford to dress their kids nicely)

So my cousin didnt find that funny and she's like "and you're saying my kids look like that?" That being poor and raggedy.

Aunt heard "like those kids on that show"

My aunt then PHOTOSHOPS SAID KID INTO A COLLAGE OF THE KIDS FROM THE SHOW and puts a caption "which of these children Arent on the show Call the Midwife?" As a joke

Cousin didnt like that. Anyway the next day my aunt and her kid were at a flea market and saw really cute baby clothes and she had said "oh I wish I knew someone in the family with little kids. OH! COUSIN'S KIDS" and she texted that to her asking if she could buy them for the kids

Well she wasnt thinking anymore ab the previous conversation and how it essentially was her saying (in my cousin's eyes) that my cousins kids look poor and like they never have nice clothes, and hey can I buy your raggedy ass kids these clothes?"

I was nearly in fucking tears man 😭 I mean I'd be pissed as hell if she'd done that to me ab my hypothetical kids but bc it was a cousin I cut off and hate, and one who has really ugly children (they look like those renaissance paintings of babies sgsggsgsg like I'm sorry that is a man that isnt a baby) it was so funny

#marquilla #i was so glad that someone else finally admitted that her kids look like Victorian street urchins 😭 i found a skeleton baby decoration #thing at halloween and it had sunken in eyes and a sad face and i went 'oh my god i didnt know 'cousin's kids had their own dolls!#mom didn't find it funny but i did #oh and my uncle was like 'well you told her her kids looked homeless! what was she supposed to think!?' and she stops and went 'i didn't #say homeless i said they looked desolate' as if that was better 😭#i was like 'no she didnt day that she said they looked poor and like they didnt have any kind of nice clothes' 😭#i mean when you are so far up the tr/adwife pipeline that you dress your kids like peasants and never comb their hair...

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astrxealis · 6 months ago

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making myself suffer looking thru ffxiv stuff on tumblr when i could be playing ffxiv rn but i eternally love and miss ffxiv

#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#Ough... oooooggghhhhh..........#unrelated but i will probably make my next theme mr leon kennedy bcs how iehehebfknsnd i am over him lately #is... kinda insane! silly <3 #like. damn! damn. amidst darkest despair light everlasting.#ffxiv is so so so so so crazy from 1.0 to 6.0 and beyond and soon 7.x and and and #i miss raiding :( i miss my friends in ffxiv too. esp my best friend.#def will get back into raiding by the time 7.x ultimate comes out bcs GOD !!! god.#and okay pandaemonium & eden are my fav tiers aesthetic and story and fight wise #and memory wise bcs eden 9-12 was my first ever savage tier. meant a lot to me. still does #i played through that shit when i was . 14 y/o and newly 15 y/o LMFAO #and then pandaemonium just like. the year after. when i was 15 y/o... not even reaching 16. damn.#it's tough playing ffxiv when you're young but it's nice seeing more & more ppl around my age playing #even tho these guys most likely did Not start playing when they were like. 13/14 y/o. since i started on my bday LMFAO #it's crazy bcs i am playing w majority adults and maybe the occasional minor who is still like. at least almost an adult #^^ back then i mean bcs ok the closest friend i made when i was on eu was this guy 3 yrs older than me. that is already insane to me.#and my best friend since i'm now on oce is still a year older than me!#and it's silly (?) bcs eu i tried to hide my age at first but then they kinda found out bcs probably the way we r is just. too Different LOL #but i mean obvs it changed some stuff bcs it would be weird for probably 30 year old to be besties w a half their age kid #but the whole lil fc was just rlly sweet. :(( made a great friend i see as my big bro i am still friends w. that probably 30 y/o guy and the #kinda mom of the fc lowkey saw me & my twin as sweet kids. the person we got into xiv was like a big bro figure too and Damn his gf is rlly #cool! and the uni age students were super cool and fun to talk w. and the friends of my close friend who were also my friends were so fun.#i miss that but i look back on it all fondly ..... :3 and then w oce it's a bit more complicated bcs #i haven't had much time or opportunities to Find a group like that? but instead i found a best friend :((#rlly close in age and w similar likes and interests and personality..... etc etc etc.......#and separately the static i & my twin joined was. Funny lol! it's silly bcs we kinda had to hide we were lil 15 y/o kids w these guys who #were all at least uni. and all of these guys were def 20-30 y/o #and one guy liked making Daddy jokes (nothing bad tho LMFAO) bcs. hesperos sheesh!#silly bcs bunch of aussies and we were almost all miqos and Thankfully ye god one other filipino YAY !!!!!#anyway. max tags. so i love ffxiv man. i miss it always even when i'm playing it.

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vulpinesaint · 1 year ago

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absolutely unreasonable over this coworker that i rlly like rn. thank god i don't like men or i would have fucking Lost it by now! as it is i don't even know what has me so dkfjghsdf about him i'm just sitting there with my head in my hands going "he's so normal about trans people..."

#he's a like. fr nerd guy which i don't know if i have a value judgment for but! it gets me points cause i can pull out nerd shit too #thought he was Significantly older than me but he is only four years older than me and not the estimated six. so it's not that bad #once i'm twenty in like three months it really will not be that weird for me to be friends with people in their twenties.#YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS. HE'S NOT NERDY HE'S GEEKY. DIFFERENT VIBE BUT DEFINITELY MORE LIKE ME #like. ordered a working spiderman mask online but also likes my alt radio station. y'know #and he wants to be my friend too!!! we talk nd have similar senses of humor #and he says hi + bye to me every time he sees me AND says my name every time which i think is a like. positive sign #when people take the time to say 'hi [name]!' i think that's a like. 'i'm invested in being friendly with you' thing #AND AGAIN!!! HEAD IN MY HANDS!!!! HE'S SO NORMAL ABOUT TRANS PEOPLE!!!!!!#went 'wow. it's the ignorance' when one of the kids asked about my dead name (kid obviously did not know what being trans entailed)#and when i went 'i mean adults ask me that too' he went 'what??? fr??? people are so uneducated :/' like a little disgusted ab it #which. dude. what a fucking world. so normal about trans people that like. not being normal about trans people is a foreign concept #not EVEN transphobia just not being educated on what's decent to ask a trans person!!! NOBODY knows that stuff!!!!#except for skye my best friend skye apparently. this dude is so fucking normal about trans people #laughs at my jokes about being trans!!! consistently!!!!! is rlly cool about it!!!!!!!#made a joke about using my dual citizenship to go check on the girls who were taking a really long time in the bathroom #and he found it as funny as i did and like. that's a kind of joke u'd usually have to share with other trans/queer people... idk...#would also make that joke with my coworker who is gay. but he's also really chill about me being trans haha #anywayyyyyy i don't know if he's queer or anything (strikes me as straight) but it's. god. world-changing #AND HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND. WHO HE TALKS ABOUT A NORMAL AMOUNT. VERY POSITIVE THING #so i don't have to worry about things being weird at all :D #and he knows for sure i'm 19 and is chill about it. which. i was the only one making that a big deal but it's a relief all the same haha #asked how old i was (talking about graduating from college in a year nd a half) and gave me a FIST BUMP when i told him.#A FIST BUMP. WHO DOES THAT.#straight people. that's who. guys who are just guys.#guys who make me go 'oh so i DO want guy friends who are my friends in a 'we're both guys' way. those other guys just suck'#which i don't really want but ALSO. he's normal about trans people! so he recognizes me as a guy no matter what i look/sound like!!#my like. supervisor's supervisor made a joke about him being childish and like. girl.#idc frankly that's skye my best friend skye you can't tell me shit about him we listened to the radio while driving the kids to the beach #valentine notes

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kodokugumon · 10 months ago

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the fact that so many child abuse laws are like "its not child abuse unless it leaves a lasting mark" is so fucking crazy to me. You can hit a kid as long as your fists weren't closed and you hit them light enough

#It's actually so hard for someone to be convicted of child abuse. especially if what happened is under the guise of ''discipline''#yeah the kid was fighting me so its not MY fault that he hit his head and arm on a counter and was also on edge of having a panic attack.#this is the proper reaction to a kid being guilty of talking back and being bossy - my uncle #also my uncle: I've never been found guilty under the law for child abuse. you are wrong. also you are the one needing to grow up bc somehow #I'm circling this conversation about you assaulting me over thinking something bad was happening to your brother back around to the fact you #are still living with me #its so funny to me bc even if I did try to leave my mom would try to stop me lmao. ''you're mom is enabling your lifestyle for some reason''#my dude. my mom is ENFORCING this lifestyle. not to mention when you were shaming me for how old I was and still living here...you got my #age wrong??? do your research before talking to me.#literally told me I had no goals or plans for the future. lmao even. he only ever talks to me to tell me that he wants me out #quickly! name 8 interests I have that I did not have while in elementary school!!!#like I'm so mad. at least I can revel in the fact that my uncle was such a pussy you didn't commit to calling the police on me when he said #he would lmao. I can also revel in the fact that he fucking hates it here and tries to avoid being home. and that hes failing at parenting #his own children. I'm sorry brenna. I mean no slander. but you sneaking around and being found out about it and that all the adults knew #about it before he did thus making him look bad is so satisfying. its like watching him judging his gf and my mom for being bad parents #while his kids do much worse things (in his eyes) so fucking poetic #I'm sorry for going batshit crazy in the tags. I am. venting #tw child abuse

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opens-up-4-nobody · 2 years ago

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#there should be a word for when youre talking around the tightness of tears #speaking against something that hurts #laughing specifically to undermine the seriousness of the statements youre voicing #the worst of both worlds. help me help me hahaha im not even joking hahaha but listen to the lies in my tone. dont focus on the words.#i want plausible deniability. but also i want u to understand my pain and give it a voice. speak it into existence because i cant say it #but if u do i might cry. that sounds hard that sounds like a lot. i kno i know. shut up. keep talking. do u think i dont feel it? i do #but if i split myself in two i can watch myself and suddenly it becomes funny. im not sure why. but i have a bad habbit of laughting at #inappropriate moments. because if its not funny then its just sad and what am i supposed to do with that?#i dunno. thats all to say my dad called bc i was looking at housing stuff and i was explaining some of the stuff im doing rn #and thats hard to talk abt without crying bc ive always been a cry bby but i didnt. and i love my parents theyre great #but they dont understand bc i havent told them all of it bc theres nothing they can do so y make them worry. and idk i also think they #think im less competent than i am. and part of that is just bc im their kid. part of that is bc there r things thst most ppl can do but i #struggle with. but its also not fun to hear: oh yeah i was surprised by how professional u sounded. or i think ur mom found u those #connections. when no. i did that. i made those things happen. i promise i can do things sometimes. but sometimes i cant. i dunno its just #it is what it is. whatever. decisions to b made. do i room with roommates for lower rent #or do i take an expensive place for a year for a single room? i dont want roommates but ill take them #i mean all the single places r like 950 at the very lowest without any utilities or anything but most r well over 1000 and like on a grad #student salary? i think not. not without losing money on net. i can deal with roommates. i have in the past. i wont b able to relax ever #but its fine. ya kno #just annoying. hah my dads sage advice was ah dont let it overwhelm u. go exercise. bc hes an endurance runner guy #and im like bro when i get home i have 1.5 hrs of daylight. but alas hes right. i do gotta run out my angers and its not enough #ugh. one more week. itll work out. and eventually ill walk into a counselors office like bro i just want u to tell me whether or not i have #0cd bc whatever the fuck it is that makes me do these things is absolutely destroying me. name the beast 0cd or 0cpd. tell me what box #i fit into. not that it matters but i feel like i cant complain until someone else rubber stamps me. actually then ill probably just obsess #abt how. actually. theyre wrong. ay fun times #i gotta shake shake shake my sillies out. and wiggle my waggles away. bc i never could let my kids songs go haha #unrelated

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itwoodbeprefect · 2 years ago

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incident: found a decade old unfinished angsty draco malfoy/OFC fic complete with dramatic black and white faded overlay cover that i don't remember abandoning let alone starting but is very much still up on the web under a username people associate with me to this day. ego dead, brain injured.

#there's also a spelling mistake in the edgy quasi-poem on the summary page of this story. cool dutch teen writers use english (badly)#fjdkfjdk i mean it's fine. it IS. i'm expressing all of this with so much love for teen me #i mayyy have been taking a real look at the entirety of my body of work in the dutch fanfic spheres for the first time in years #and finding a BUNCH of stuff i forgot existed. there are seven (7) tiny doctor who and torchwood fics of which i have zero memory #there's a whole LIST of fics i was writing towards the end of this era which never got finished #there is a fic that offhandedly mentions someone trying to feed a unicorn salad and it only licks the dressing from the leaves #which is happening in the background of the actual action of the scene. no wonder i vibed so hard with due south when i found it #i am. maybe. having an absolute ball with this. 2015 me was FUNNY holy fuck.#and more importantly she had found her niche and she was binge writing the hell out of it. no more 2013 het draco stuff! amazing #and SO MANY AUs. bad boys. kid fic. alternate meeting. exterminator AU. demon. vampire. bakery #and oh my. the comments. so many of them so sweet and so many of them just utterly totally unrelated to the story. the memorieeees #*

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haemosexuality · 1 year ago

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most of the schools i went to were catholic to its rlly surprising that i never had any type of religion class. it didnt actually affect anything other than us being made to stand in line and pray before class (and also sing the national anthem) but like you could just, Not do that and be chill

#i did go to catechism classes as a kid but that only lasted for a few months #i was 9 i think or 10 #kinda diff subject but i have a lot of memories of being 10-11 and figuring out religion #a lot of my memories for that time period are Gone I Am Memory Issues Man but not those for some reason #babies first independent thought <3 #i remember first doubting what i knew about god when i was like 7? but i shelved that until 5th/6th grade #as ive repeatedly brought up in this blog my sister died when i was in 5th grade which caused my parents to double down on the catholicism #at the same time i had found Atheist Progressive Facebook Pages and doubting everything #they made a routine of every day before bed reading me a passage from the bible and i had to sit there like yas queen so true #but me and this friend from school were heaving deep philosophical talks about religion dailyyyyyyyy #she reached the conclusion of god not being real a bit before me and i remember mentioning to my parents how i dont think thatd mean she #was gonna go to hell in one of the Nightly Bible Sessions #before i reached that conclusion i actually adopted the line of thinking thay god Was real #he just sucked ass and was a terrible being. and also fuck christianity #tho a few months later i went full atheist #one time me and that friend were on a fucking amusement park ride discusding religion. thats still funny to me #also a while later my mom started dipping her toe in other religions mostly as she tried to figure out how to deal w my sister dying #she got into spiritism and took me to like a. idk. lecture???? sermon??? i did not care so i daydreamed lesbian ever after highxmonster high #fanfiction during it. 👍#my dad also gave me a very long talk about how my mom was being tempted by the devil at that time which like. ok #also at age 11 the last time i went to church happened. it was on the 1 year anniversary of my grandpa dying (which also happened in 5th #grade) and his name was gonna be mentioned. i was already atheist then and i felt Very out of place. also intried convincing my younger #cousin the tooth fairy was real doing it #oh and i can never forget how i posted on facebook telling my extended family that i was an atheist and then my aunt held a prayer session #at her house while me n the other kids were playing and Loudly talked about how parents who let their children be atheists are doing the #devils work or whatever. or the family friend that told my mom the reason my sister died was bc my mom didnt go to church regularly #my mom didn't go to church regularly bc my sister was dying and she was busy trying to prevent that. lmao.#my sister dying actually had nothing to do w me questioning religion but literally everyone seemed to think so at the time. theyd be like #i know you might be angry at god because of your sister.... and i was like? no bitch theres just no scientific proof that guy exists what #oh there are so many typos and mistakes in these tags im not editing that. good luck

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phagodyke · 1 year ago

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its actually nuts how missing a single vaccination has shaped my entire fucking life. like not only would I not be deaf if I had gotten it on time but I probs wouldn't have adhd either 🫣

#like yeah I have a family history of adhd but im pretty sure the current model suggests u can be genetically *predisposed* but the actual-#development of adhd is thought to be closely linked to environmental 'triggers' like childhood stress or head injuries lol #or in my case brain trauma. fun fact: a suspected 62% of kids who survive hib meningitis later develop adhd symptoms #vs. 5% incidence in the general population.....#when I first heard that I was still in denial bc i thought of adhd as a 'natural' condition like ur just born that way #so if meningitis survivors displayed symptoms that didnt mean they were ACTUALLY adhd. except literally all adhd is-#is a collection of symptoms its not some tangible 'switch' thats flipped in some ppl and not others. maybe thats a rly obvious statement-#but I found it kinda hard to get my head around. i guess just bc of how a lot of psychology is viewed by the public innit #anyway being deaf + nd kinda fucking sucks yall better be jabbing ur babies with every vaccination possible or im coming for ur knees #its funny bc it sounds like im saying watch out !! vaccination may PREVENT neurodivergence NOT cause it !!#*andrew wakefield voice* u wouldnt want a child with autism #but thats not what i meaaaannn obvs ur kid not getting xyz disease that could kill them is the number 1 most important thing #its so cringe actually bc hib b incidence has been down to abt 2 in every 100 000 babies since the vax was introduced in 1985 #so I was one of like. probably less than 10 babies to get it in the fucking country and they misdiagnosed me a bunch of times #bc it was so uncommon + I had some rarer symptoms plus the only way to actually CHECK is to test spinal fluid which is a faff #if theyd realised earlier then i also wouldnt be deaf bc it wouldnt have been as severe. just a series of unfortunate events i guess #anyway. immunology is so fascinating i wish id focused on it more in my degree tbh #over and OUT #.diaries

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heavierthanlaila · 1 year ago

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allah surely is the most merciful and he truly does listen to your duaas and he indeed answers all of them.

#i literally made duaa few days ago and said ya allah if this person is bad for me or if this relationship is making you angry with me pls #take him out of my life #(i was only talking to this guy to know him better for the sake of marriage)#and LITERALLY the next day this dude out of nowhere decided to be super passive aggressive because of something very minor #so i confront him and express my feelings clearly and calmly but get a little mean at the end and his reaction is why are you being mean lol #so i explained why and he was like even if let's say i was mean why would you be mean to me in return???#LMAOOO #like...#so i said so you get to be passive-aggressive and give me the silent treatment and i dont even get to protest in a harsh tone?????#but i didnt argue i just said i really thought you were better than this and that was that #he left just as quickly as he came into my life #the funny thing tho was when he said that he doesn't like it when i use “big words” like manipulation and passive-aggressive #like so he even wants to dictate how i express myself let alone be angry that he crossed my boundaries and was doing something i found annoy #honestly egyptian/arab men are indeed something else #I'm just sad that i let him disturb my peace tbh #I'm glad it's over because I dont have time for some elementary school kid trapped in a 29 year old body #he even made me seriously question myself like if i was that rude or that inconsiderate but honestly it was just him being too insecure #alhamdulilah he is out of my life #I'm so grateful that allah is my wakeel because he surely won't let me down

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