#but i never had a vocaloid phase when i was younger. i feel so very neutral about miku

[cerealmonster15]

i dont think i ever felt more annoyed at commercials than when those mean girls walmart ads were playing a few months ago or whenever that was

[stinkypeanutbutter]

silly Aiden headcanons because I have no impulse

i probably already done these before in other headcanon posts I made but ermm I’ll do it again 😹

small TW for scars at the end 🗣🗣

AIDEN :

Aiden has the most unhinged playlist ever like oh my giggly goodness we got metal we got rock we got classic we got indie we got pop we got vocaloid Idfk whatever you can think of ( same 😹 )

totally had an immense phase of just everything . Creepy pasta , animation , FNAF , idk any other phases from 2016 help

Probably dated like once or twice , but they weren’t serious at ALL and mostly online . He just said yes because he wanted to be nice since he never really had friends ofc , so why hurt someone you barley know if it means getting a friend ? ( I’m gonna explode 😭 )

I’m not sure when this was actually invented , but he’d probably try and convince everyone to make battery acid candy drinks . ( they all say no 😔 )

Sorta sad headcanon they if no matter how hard to tries to solve a difficult puzzle , and he fails , he just starts silently bawling his eyes out . Cause you know he’s really good at them right ? He can solve them pretty quickly ? So if he’s like absolutely pressured by a bunch of people watching expecting him to win ( or like his friends cause yk they believe in him !!!! ) and he can’t solve the puzzle he’ll be like “ why can’t I solve this why is this hard why am I failing “ or something and then start crying ig ( Yeouchers angst 😿 )

Bro is the heaviest napper ever you can stack things on him for HOURS but the moment he actually sleeps most things can wake him ( if he’s not comfortable at least . He’ll sleep pretty well at sleepovers )

I can’t figure out an art style for him but I updated it so ignore that last drawing it’s grody anyway he sometimes draws people but prefers just random splotches of color . He has extremely stylized art but yk , it’s just ‘ weird ’ according to some people since it’s really . . graphic . Not in a BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD way but very mixed ( if you get what I mean )

Hugs everything when he sleeps you can’t tell me otherwise like you seen his old bed ?? He had NOTHIN so absolutely is he gonna cuddle everything near him

Hates competing . ( idk if he did it before but we’ll see ) like he doesn’t like doing puzzle competitions anymore that much , he just got bored of it and was really kinda forced to do it when he was younger . BUT if it’s in a game against his friends , he’ll probably do it just to help them out cause they always get stuck if Logan can’t figure it out either .

Does that thing with music where If it absolutely hits he just starts spazzing out and dances to it

that one thing where he walks around in a circle talking to himself if he’s really deep in thought ( he could go on for hours so someone has to pull him out to drink water at least )

TONS of posters in his room

Him and Taylor binge shows together , often ask the others to join when they aren’t busy . They totally watch anime ( Tyler calls it childish then gets really invested in uhhhh let’s say full metal alchemist and sport animes like haikyuu or something I can’t think of any he’d like . But I’m gonna make them all watch Ghost stories because it’s funny )

Aidlyn cuddling is mostly done at Aidens house cause his parents rarely go up to check on him ( 😅💥 ) and also he had a ton of blankets for Ashlyn to wrap herself in . He got her a heavy weighted blanket for her birthday one time so when that’s not around she just uses Aiden as a blanket if she’s feeling affectionate ( he’s warm in the winter time and pretty light believe it or not )

Has a medium spice tolerance , eats more then what he can handle like a stinky loser

doesn’t like anyone pointing out his growing hair roots so just don’t talk about it much 😅😅

steals chopsticks from restaurants cause who needs to buy any ??? They’re free if you don’t get caught / hj

sometimes just locks himself up in his room and lays in his bed thinking about life

LOVES drawing his friends ( especially Ash ) in his free time because he rarely draws in front of people , and will make an airplane out of it to throw it over to them . But he has that mentality where “ Everyrhing I make kinda sucks “ so expect to find doodles in the trash or hidden in his room

IPad kid , can’t tel me otherwise .

Loves hover boarding but he kinda sucks at it so he just 🧍🕺☠️ ( falls )

Will ram into everyone in bumper cars , almost sent someone flying ( Lilly , he bought her candy as a sorry )

rarely catches cavities because he actually has really strong teeth and willingly bites down on hard candies ( I do the same thing because I’m impatient 😹 )

Does all his school work at home cause school has too many distractions ( real )

Buys like body foundation to smear onto his legs and arms . He doesn’t want anyone to point out them out , and if they do he just tells them their from skateboarding . It can come off after a few days if he doesn’t reapply , but it’s fine since he does it again in between and would have to reapply anyway . Idk how it works 😿

Anyway who shall I do next ????? Put your answers in the comment section below subscribe like and support my Patreon see you in the next video 😹😹😹☝️☝️💥💥

[ancient-reverie]

s/o to my fellow systems whose brains are just wild and will see a nice rock and make an alter. like okay brain, that's nice thank you. no idea what started us as a system, but over the years we've had many new people form and the causes are varied. this is not a full list, just a couple of experiences

i want to preface that there is nearly no way to "prove" if these are true reasons or not as is the nature of dissociation. but they FEEL right and it's our brain so we would have some idea. and it Doesn't Really Matter in the end being as what matters is that we Are Here Now.

really we made this as a list so maybe someone who needed to could relate to or laugh at one or more of the things

a lot of feelings about not being able to sing gave us a vocaloid with a broken voice

almost drowning landed us a transmasc siren

started writing a new character and oops hi pretty okay and strong girl

"i need a big brother"

some really bad shit went down in mindspace (this happened often when we were younger) and an alter or two were traumatized so write a note to wait two months and start looking for a new one but still be surprised and confused when the new one comes up anyway

some symptom got too much to handle so now it's this guys turn wait who is this guy

discovered a new song and listened to it on repeat and maladaptive daydreamed someone a new friend or child

bestie said we weren't friends no more so i'm gonna become someone who has never met bestie

We Aren't Talking About The YouTuber That We Watched Too Much Of And Used For Emotional Support Until They Showed Up And We Pulled Off A Perfect [redacted] Accent And Refuse To Speak Of Since (sorry)

uncomfortable moment you will only ever be Confused about despite being able to remember it and what was happening

every alter rotating out during the Suicidal TimesTM until there's no one else who can handle it so yOu MakE ONe and they're actually really happy for a minute and can appear to break the depressive session but very quickly realizes what they're in for and joins the rest of the Sad Club, thanks for the help buddy, sorry and welcome to the club we have weed

Bird Hyperfixation

"i need a new mom"

Vampire hyperfixation

literally just a different version of an existing alter. alternate-timeline 'if this had happened or hadn't happened' or future/older selves

you really liked this character in that show but your brain for some reason won't take the actual character. oh no it has to make its own person that is an exact mirror of that character! but it wont tell you! you have to forget all about that character until 10 years later when the alter realizes it but they're so different now you don't actually know but it probably shaped you in some way

had a slut phase on discord and the fake personality 2 of the alters used online turned into her own person

You haven't met the alter that you know exists because you asked for them to exist at the same time you heard your father cry for the first time at 27 when you all Lost a creature who the whole system considered their daughter.

people just form when the brain decides it's a good idea for us. it's been awhile since we've had a new fully fleshed out alter who has the energy and desire to be out/slots into the main group that takes care of most things. when new ones form these days (like 2.3 every 4 years) it's "quieter" people that pop up, introduce themselves, and then chill in mindspace with the rest and we don't really hear from them much.

Last we counted we have about 50 people (we counted a long time ago i'll be honest), but on a daily basis only about 3-5 people are active and it's not always through the whole day. at least 2-3 are always active. Siruss is the only one who can solo we dunno why.

our usual routine someone will be out and they'll have a co-fronter and or a couple background buddy(ies), and then the co-fronter and background people change after a week to a month, it depends on who it is. sometimes one of the background or co-fronters will swap out and be the main one for however long they can manage (depends on who it is)

but if we're leaving the house and around other people the routine is totally subject to change.

[bunnies-on-saturn]

Obey Me Brother Headcannons!

yeah just some random headcannons i have of the brothers and what they do and stuff enjoy~

They have movie night every other weekend or so and watch Studio Ghibli movies together. And they either A. All fall asleep together like on top of each other or B. Lucifer has to put all his little brothers to bed but he doesn’t mind

Satan likes sour/ bitter foods

Levi had a nightcore phase and I will take this to my grave. this manifested into a vocaloid phase

Mammon just brings things to Lucifer? like stuff he thinks is cool. like rocks, shells, flowers, etc. and then Lucifer will praise him. He’ll ruffle his hair and say that it’s really cool

If Lucifer is working too late either one by one or all of the brothers will barge into his office to keep him company/ try to make him stop working. Just like when they watch movies he carries them to bed once they all fall asleep

Levi and Lucifer are picky eaters. Except Lucifer is only for a few foods and keeps it on the low while Levi is very loud about it

I feel like all the brothers have called Lucifer dad at LEAST once and everyone just harps on when Satan and or Mammon called him dad. Like that’s the one they focus on the most

Levi once “accidentally” called Mammon big brother/ “onisan” and Mammon NEVER lets him live it down

Mammon is very protective of his little brothers especially during hard times and especially over Levi

Lucifer will just go find Belphie and then sit with him so they can nap together. Or at least belphie is. Just when he sits there and he just subconsciously move to his lap and place his head there and Lucifer just strokes his hair the whole time

When Satan was young he was really attached to Lucifer so he was always by his side and that made Mammon jealous

Satan and Asmo have something of the equivalent of a spa day in Asmo’s room. They do face mask, their nails, hair, etc and just bond

Asmo and Mammon are shopping buddies and have mini fashion shows

You think Beel watches those food Asmr videos. No talking just eating really late at night

Mammon always brings back human snacks for Beel and tries to get new stuff for him unless he ask for something he’s already had

Since Belphie sleeps a lot I feel like he’s a really heavy sleeper. And I mean REALLY HEAVY. So the brothers just, stack things on him while he’s sleeping. Lucifer would tell them off but then after he realized just how tall of a tower they can make with Belphie as the base he joined in and took photos

I think this is cannon but: Asmo does everyone’s nails and that’s how he bonds with his brothers

Asmo has dyed his hair multiple different colors his favorite being different shades of pink

Beel has eaten a crayon as a kid I can feel it in my bones

You guys remember in the “Are you kidding me” event (which we where robbed by the way the brothers should have been kids and we take care of them or all the brothers but Lucifer become kids and we help Lucifer take care of them) how Belphie said “if you don’t go to sleep a monster is going to take you” or when Mammon went “don’t throw bread that’s mean to the bread fairy” you think Lucifer told them those things when they where young

When Satan was younger he absolutely loved reading (like he does now) but he really loved when others read to him especially Lucifer or any of his older brothers. He definitely had a favorite book that he’d read constantly and it was definitely about a cat change my mind

Lucifer would find out Beel’s favorite foods either from the human world, where they are currently or the Celesta and ask Davolo to add it to the menu

Mammon and Levi act like they hate each other but they really care for each other just bully each other like siblings do. They bring spice to the house

If Belphie falls asleep in a random ass spot or somewhere uncomfortable whoever finds him will take him to somewhere comfortable so he can sleep better

Beel likes spicy things more while Belphie likes sweet things

Beel is REALLY good at “Cooking with Mama” like really good. Every. Single. Recipe is gold.

Beel looks like he really likes jello and I don’t think they even have jello in their world

Lucifer brings Satan books from the human world or from the forbidden library. Satan acts like he doesn’t care but he’s read each one at least a thousand times

I’m not sure if Lucifer had his jacket on his shoulders like he does now before but I like to think when the brothers where younger they’d play with it. They’d go under it and hold onto his legs when they played hide and seek. Lucifer acted like he hated it but he really did enjoy it and would do his best to hide them

When they rough house they someone involve everyone in a fight between two of the brothers. Somehow now all the brothers are just rough housing with each other. And sometimes it’s no longer rough housing but-

When they where younger if the brothers didn’t want to eat something they’d just sneakily slide whatever they didn’t want onto Beelzebub plate and act as they ate it. It was a win win for everyone

Lucifer is the designated bug killer in the house

Lucifer acts like he hates the nickname “Luci” but he really likes it when his brothers call him it because it reminds him of when they where younger. And the brothers know this so they call him Luci to butter him up for something

Asmodeus and Beelzebub make really pretty desserts together

They’ve all definitely cooked together as a family a few times before and it was really fun

Somehow for some reason a food fight broke out between the brothers during dinner. Nothing bad they where all actually having a lot of fun and laughing and running around. However just as Lucifer walked in from the kitchen he got hit right in the face. All of them accepted their death (Belphie and Satan laughing) but Lucifer threw food back at them to their surprise. And boom now Lucifer has joined the food fight

Lucifer never shuts up about his brothers to Davolo and Barbados when they hang out. Telling them stories about the things they do. Most times he’s ranting about them but other times he’s just gushing about them.

Satan had HORRIBLE and I mean horrible tantrums when he was younger. Like as a baby-a toddler maybe a young kid. But they where bad. Being the Avatar of Wrath I feel that played a lot into it. Like so bad that he would lose his voice from screaming, he’d throw things, he’d try and fight etc. Now he’s a little better but his brothers always talk about stories when Satan gets pouty. Then gets embarrassed and more pouty.

Playing into Satans tantrum I feel like Lucifer would just throw him over his shoulder and just take him to another room to calm down. And I feel like he’s done that to all his brothers when they where younger and still do it now. He just slugs them over his shoulder and just walks with them like that.

There was an event in obey me I think it was called party? Where they celebrate you being there for about 6 months and Satan gives us a gift where it’s like a photo album but you can actually see the photos play out in that moment. Like the memory plays back when you look at the photos and each brother has one including Lucifer. And I feel like Lucifer is very protective over his photo album and the amount of times the brothers have tried to steal it is insane

^ going off that I feel like Lucifer has a secret one of him and his brothers all together. From moments when they where kids to now and just looks through it whenever he’s really stressed or doing a lot of work. It’s like a stress reliever in a way

Mammon had braces as a kid. I feel like Levitation and Satan also had braces

Mammon and Lucifer play card games together

So it’s cannon that Lucifer’s favorite brother is Mammon and Mammon’s favorite is Lucifer so when Mammon was younger he was extremely attached to him. He still is now just only shows it in private. But when Lucifer was trying to teach Mammon how to walk he put him in those baby walkers for him to explore areas on his own so Lucifer can do his own thing. But he’s just follow Lucifer around everywhere

Beel got a plushie of a cheeseburger when he was younger and it’s still a comfort item to this day

Lucifer sees his brothers as his “baby brothers” not even because they are but he could look at them and just remember moments from when they where young. So he tends to baby all of them at times. But honestly they don’t mind too much they get to be spoiled by him and have his attention. Lucifer definitely babies mammon the most change my mind

Lucifer 100% you cannot convince me other wise I will die on this hill. When the brothers where younger as in a smaller kid to a baby or so age he 100% put them in things like this. Because there is no way he can keep track of all of them at once. The other semi older ones like Mammon and Levi where on kid leaches.

Mammon was a leach kid 100% look me in the eyes and say I’m wrong

Say they go to a beach or a pool and some of the brothers for example: Levitation, Belphie, maybe Satan don’t wanna go in the water Mammon would pick them up and just throw them in the water. Sometimes Lucifer would help him

Beel when he was younger would wake up in the middle of the night hungry and go to Lucifer’s room wake him up and ask for him to make him something. He always felt bad but Lucifer never got mad and sometimes they’d even fall asleep together

If one of them have a nightmare they go to someone else’s room for comfort. Mammon goes to Lucifer, Levitation goes to Mammon, Satan to Asmodeus, Asmo to Satan, and Belphie and Beelzebub go to each other

That’s all I have for today I wanna make some of these into stories in the future so if you wanna see those let me know! :) and I wanna hear your guys head cannons of the brothers sorry this is messy Im not organized

[browniesnivy]

Random Asks!

This template was made by biaesthetic, just so you know. I cut out some of the questions I didn’t I saw feel like answering, but otherwise her template worked really well for my needs! I saw cyberenergyshock do something similar and felt the need to do one myself, so here we go! Y’all really don’t know anything about me (which is mostly because i’m super paranoid about privacy) and I don’t intend to give out super precious info or anything here, I just thought it’d be nice. 

what was the last thing you read? The last book I read was issue three of the Bunny Drop manga. So far it’s a very cute story that I recommend to people who like family stories. It’s very touching and cute, but can be fairly thought-provoking at times. I haven’t finished it yet so I can’t give a full review or anything... but those are my thoughts so far!

favorite movie? Captain America: Winter Soldier! I know it’s a pretty basic choice as far as favorite Marvel movies go, but it really is just soooooo good. The action, the intrigue, the emotion, the relationships... all so good! Ten out of ten would watch again... and I believe me, I have. Three times in fact. And I’ve cried at least once every time because I’m weak sauce.

favorite book? That’s really hard... I really loved Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets but I haven’ t read that in years and am really fuzzy on the details... so I guess I’ll have to say the Warrior Cats Super Edition Crookedstar’s Promise. What can I say, I love Warrior Cats! And this edition is just so emotional. Without giving away any spoilers, this book is an absolute emotional rollercoaster at parts and contains one of the most manipulative, petty, dangerous, terrifying and broken villains the series has to offer and she is just fantastic. If your down with some of the special Warrior Cats-brand of stupidity this book is a total treat!

dream date? We’d be alone somewhere quiet and serene, nature surrounding us as we were covered in a blanket of stars. Cool, refreshing water babbles nearby, giving poetry to our escape. The most calming and tranquil environment imaginable. However, we wouldn’t just enjoy the soothing scenery, but we would talk in a low whisper, joking about things only we would understand and geeking out over fandom, all in between mouthfuls of take-out pasta from Olive Garden. It would be a mixture of a fun hangout with a friend and a romantic tender scene. (I guess all of that was really corny, huh? Haha, sorry!)

do you have a crush? Not on anyone real... but if Hatsune Miku asks tell her I’m free!

what are your hobbies? I love creative pursuits like writing and drawing and have loved them since I was extremely young. One of my favorite pass times is playing video games like Pokémon, Fire Emblem, Harvest Moon, The Sims,, Civilization, Stardew Valley, Super Smash Brothers, and many many others... too many to reasonably name! I love reading novels, but manga and anime alike are what I seem to do more of nowadays. My parents are pretty strict on which anime I watch though, so I spend more time reading manga because they aren’ t nearly as finicky about my reading material since my younger siblings won’t have to be subjected to it. Also, I really love philosophy. Ethics and morals have always fascinated me and the idea of mapping out the human spirit like a genome is endlessly fascinating to me... I love to read books on morality and watch philosophical YouTube videos in my down time, and I hope that someday I can come to some kind of understanding of the truth. I guess that means I’m kind of lame! 

what’s your favorite time of day? Evening. I love the darkness. The chilling winds and the stars illuminating the dark skyscape is the most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen, and it’s all right their in your backyard if you only care to look! Well, I guess if you live in the city or something you can’t do that... in which case I’m very sorry! Anyway, the serenity of the night is something the daytime can’t match for me. Peace and quiet are seldom found around where I live, so the silence is very appreciated!

if you could look like anything, what would you look like? Anything you say? In that case I guess I’d look like a calico cat. That away, I could climb along fences and gates or go exploring into the wilderness without anyone looking at me funny! Plus, maybe someone would pet me!

are you a romantic? If you just read my ideal date, the I you’ll probably know the answer. Yeah, I guess I am! I’m not super ditzy or anything, in fact I rarely every feel romantic attraction to people, but I do long to find a soulmate. 

what’s your favorite type of weather? The rain, definitely. If you couldn’t tell, quiet tranquility is pretty much my aesthetic. I love water. It nourishes the plant life and makes everything sparkle with dew, the greenery becomes so much greener and everything becomes so much more vibrant... it’s like the spirit of the world has been born again. And yet almost nobody is out their enjoying it. Fine by me, I’d rather be alone on my walks down the rainy neighborhood streets. Bonus if it’s raining at night, because not only are the walks multiplied tenfold in their beauty, but when you decide to hit the hay the soft pitter-patter of the raindrops can gently lull you to sleep...

what do you like talking about? Well obviously I love to talk about Yu-Gi-Oh!, and I’m pretty much open to talk to anyone about it... but I also love to talk about other fandom! I also love mythology and philosophy (that though provoking shit) and just random trivia in general and it’s nice to talk to people who are also interested in it. Other then all that nerdy cooties, I just generally like listening to other people talk. As long as what you say isn’t completely repulsive to me I’ll probably listen, but I’ll probably crack jokes the entire time unless you’re being really serious. I love funny stuff.

if you got a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it? Oh, I’d never even think about a tattoo! I’m far too much of a scaredy-cat, besides the initial pain the idea an image could be burned onto me forever kind of freaks me out. I have no problem with other people getting them at all, just not something I could ever do. I don’t really think I can answer this question adequately... but I guess if I had to choose I’d say something small like an eye or a teardrop. I’d put it on the lower part of my neck to the left side: it would be discrete and not very noticeable, but kind of pretty and thoughtful. Nothing to obtrusive or, dare I say, obnoxious for me.

do you want any pets? I wish! We used to have a dog when I was very little, and then we had a cat when I was about eight or so, but nothing since then. Such a shame, because I am filled with love and affection for cats and dogs especially and would like to have at least one of each someday. If I had to pick which breeds I’d like, I’d say a border collie (they’re so expensive, but hey a girl can dream, right?) and a calico. 

dream job? “When I grow up I want to write books!” I’ve been saying that since I was old enough to write my own stories. Above all else, I want to be an author, but even most of those have other jobs as well. Of course I’ve gone through phases of wanting to be different things... when I was really small I wanted to be a waiter, then in second grade I wanted to be a marine biologist (I saw sea turtles at an aquarium and fell in love. Don’t want to do marine biology anymore but sea turtles are still the some of the most precious beasts on this planet!), but now I’m thinking either an animator, a journalist, or a moral philosophy professor. Who knows what I’ll end up doing, I'm only a freshman right now, after all.

dream place to live? Take me home, country road, to the place, I beloooooooong…! No, I don’t want to live in West Virginia specifically (though that would probably be pretty swell), but the American South is where I grew up and it’s where I want to live. The flourishing flora, sparkling water forms, and the waves of fertile farmland are just some pf my favorite set pieces of the Southern United States. I don’t live there anymore, and there are a lot of social problems down there that might target me specifically, but just for the scenery alone I wish to go back.

dream vacation? Japan! in this dream scenario, I can speak Japanese and navigate the land without many hitches, ordering of the menu and understanding all the signs. I’d go to a maid café and one of those resteraunts where there are stuffed animals everywhere, I’d buy a crap-ton of weeb shit, if I was lucky I’d see a vocaloid concert... and the sightseeing! I’d go hiking on the mountains and see cascading waterfalls and flourishing sakura and  really neat beetles... I hope that happens to me someday!

do you want any piercings? I don’t even want my ears pierced at all, so not at all! I’m not a very flashy person, in fact I’m quite quaint, and I never wear jewelry unless my family somehow bamboozles me into it. I’d never wear any of it, so it wouldn’t be worth some weirdo assaulting my earlobes (or any other body part) for it. 

if you had kids, what would you name them? I think me having kids might be kind of a long shot all things considered (but who really knows, right?) but I do have several names I’m really attached to that I would gladly give to someone. The first is Eve, which I just absolutely adore the aesthetic of. If you couldn’t all ready tell, I love the nighttime, and this name just screams a sort of lovely starlight elegance. Plus, it was the name of my first crush in Harvest moon Magical Melody so... backstory! The other name I’d go with would have to be Jamie. It just sounds so peppy and interesting, it’s a very unique name that I can’t help but love. Not coincidently, Jamie was the name of another Magical Melody character I was particularly fond of, because they were my first experience with gender nonconformity and non-binary gender identity! 

what are your best traits? Am I really the best person to judge that? Well, I guess I can try. I try to be as patient as possible and to keep an open-mind because I hate hurting people’s feelings, believe there is always a kind and peaceful solution, and think every single person deserves personal respect and to be treated with integrity when possible. I’d say of all my traits, those are the ones I try the hardest to foster and exercise.

worst traits? I’m so anxious, literally anything going wrong cans end me into a panic. My family has kind of a history with predisposed anxiety, so I should probably get that checked out... but then the idea of being diagnosed as “wrong” freaks me out a lot. Vicious cycle. This underlying anxiety manifests in some other nasty traits of mine: specifically that I’m a wuss, a doormat, and a pessimist. Long story short, I’m way to worried for my own good.

what’s your worst fear? Well, I’m pretty much afraid of everything! Alligators, heights, amnesia, blood and guts, rejection, underwater tunnels, birds coming near me, loud noises, illness... there’s a lot more, but I’d say my biggest fears are failure and weakness. The two kind of go hand in hand in my mind, and the thought that I could fail and become irredeemable and worthless is petrifying.  

what do you want to eat right now? Something to know about me: I’m always hungry. I snack incessantly, so it’s a wonder I’m still such a skinny little bastard! Right now, I could really go for some sushi. Put some seafood and some avocado on that shit and I’m sold.

favorite social media platform? Tumblr! I mean, it’s really the only social media I have, but still! Even though looking at all the fighting and toxicity on this website that can really make me feel awful, there is an undertone of community that outweighs that for me. Seeing so many fans of Yu-Gi-Oh! and ShrimpShipping in particular makes me feel like I really belong somewhere, and when I see the entire community harmonize to create a positive environment I remember what this life is all about. When I get a heart on a post, I think about how someone liked that post, how something I made or that I said might have put a smile on their face or roused a chuckle from them, and that makes it all worth it to me. Plus, all my mutual are really cool!

favorite article of clothing? Jackets, blazers, hoodies, coats, sweaters, suits... I love that cozy shit! I unfortunately live somewhere really hot, so a lot of times flaunting my style makes me uncomfortable, but it’s worth it too look fly as hell! When it comes to dressing, I’m very butch to androgynous, which makes since because I’m pretty gender nonconforming, I always have been. When I was younger and at a different school I was definitely the tomboy, but now I tend to try and blend in more just because people at my new school seem so much more judgmental. 

do you play any sports? I’ve been playing tennis since I was in third grade! I really only ever play it during the school’s season because there is just so much homework and I’m always busy, and thus my growth has been greatly stunted... but it’s still a really awesome sport. There’s a precision and an elegance to it that just fascinates me, plus it’s not a team sport so I don’t have to worry about screwing my partners over! Unless it’s doubles, which I try to avoid whenever possible. Other factors that make me like it appealing to me is that I have the body for it (tall with freaky long-ass arms) and my dad plays it too, so we can go out and help each other improve our skills. 

favorite meal of the day? Well they’re all great, I mean food is food, but I’m biased to dinner. The biggest most complete meal of the day that packs the most flavor and is the most filling, dinner is great! In my opinion, going to bed on a full stomach is one of the best feelings in the world, so we can thank dinner for that. Plus, my mom lets me eat snacks after dinner so I don’t have to sneak around to eat potato chips... heh.

what are you excited for? ShrimpShipping Week definitely has me excited, because I have so many shrimpy ideas to let loose upon this world... and I’m really looking forward to looking at everyone else’s contributions too! ShrimpShipping Week is the time I can see the most unity within the community, and it truly is a wonderful experience! Also I’m hyped as hell for Smash Ultimate and that currently unnamed Animal Crossing 2019 game... I’m a huge Nintendo fan my dudes.

when was the last time you cried? Like a few days ago? I can’t remember which of these instances came first, but I figured out I got on probation in NJHS because I got (gasp) a C+ in Geometry?! That seriously fucked-up my self-esteem, so I cried about that. But I can’t really remember if that was before or after I rewatched Madoka Magicia (which I personally consider a brilliant work of art and an anime must-see)… well either way I cried really recently.

dream house? Perhaps by the side of a crystal clear lake, maybe by the banks of a babbling brook, possibly by the sparkling seashore... but somewhere near water there would sit a two story house. Crisp hardwood makes up the walls of the construction, and there are windows opening the entire house to gorgeous natural light. Inside, everything is painted soft colors that seem to glow in the light, and every piece of furniture looks like you could sink into it’s soft surface. The downstairs floor has a living room with cases for cards, game boards, and video game disks are displayed neatly and conveniently alongside posters and figurines. It is essentially a nerd rec room. Beside that, the dining room and kitchen are organized and clean, and you can still smell pasta from the night before. A large flight upstairs leads to an upstairs library and study, which then empties out into a cozy bedroom full of stuffed animals and an open closet full of suits and coats. The bedroom has a balcony attached to it overlooking the water source nearby, a quiet and comfortable escape out into the serenity of nature. I suppose that’s all very idealistic, but this is a dream house... so I can have as many plushy sofas and anime girl figurines as I want!

what’s something you hate about the world? How selfish a lot of people are. I don’t mean to sound mean or judgmental, but there are just so many people who refuse to even try to be kind. All they care about is themselves and they don’t understand how much their actions effect those around them, and they certainly never try to adjust their viewpoints. I think there are so any problems we could resolve if we just tried to understand the people around us. After all, they aren’t going anywhere. You might as well try to make life as pleasant as possible for others, right? But that’s just my two cents. 

what’s something you love about the world? Even though the world is full of self-serving close-minded folk, there are also those who are driven and motivated to try to improve themselves and those around them. They want to try to make things more positive for those around them, they want to help those in need, and they believe in people’s capacity to improve. They believe int he ability to change and to improve. And when I see these people join hand in hand to change the world, I feel very inspired. I know it’s not possible to solve every problem, at least not in one go. But seeing people who wholeheartedly try to help out is what I love most in this world. 

what scents do you like? I tend to like scents like chocolate or sizzling steak, the kinds of scents associated with foods. Like I said, I’m always hungry. I also love the smell of nature after a rainy day, it just draws out all the scents from the flora in the most fantastic way. 

what kind of sleeper are you? If a bomb detonated outside my house, I would still stay asleep. In other words, I’m an incredibly heavy sleeper. Basically no amount of rambunctious noise can awaken me from deep slumber, but I am very responsive to someone disturbing my sleeping environment by touch. if the bed rocks or a finger brushes against my face, I’m awake instantly, probably in an anxious sweat. That’s why I can’t sleep in the car. But if you give me a warm bed and take care not to touch me in anyway, I’m dead asleep. 

are you a cat or dog person? Don’t make me choose! I love them both so much, but for completely different reasons. Cats are good because they are cuddly and soft and relaxing, but they for the most part don’t give a fuck about anything. And dogs are nice because they are so fun and loving, and sometimes they seem just as complex as humans in their emotional capacity. I love them both so much, I don’t want to choose!

how long would you survive in a zombie apocalypse? I’d probably be one of the first to kick the bucket honestly. I mean, I’ve beaten my siblings and other kids in wrestling matches more times then I can count, but a zombie apocalypse? I’d be too scared to do anything! The only thing that might push me forward would be the desire to help my loved ones, but even then I think i’d be pretty useless. Suffice it to say I’ll be easy pickings when the zombies come for our brains.

when do you feel safe? I’m pretty much always nervous to be honest, so I guess I feel safest when I’m asleep! 

are you trusting? I actually don’t know how to answer that? I try to give people the benefit of the doubt and when I make bonds I get seriously invested in them, but most people on the streets I’m always a bit on guard about. Got to play it safe, you know?

what fictional characters do you identify with? Alderheart and Hollyleaf from Warriors. Alderheart because he’s really anxious and just trying his best to be useful, and Hollyleaf because she wants to do the right thing and follow the rules but often gets confused and starts going a bit batty. For something that’s not Warriors, I’d have to go with Homura from Madoka Magica, because she puts on a lot of strong fronts to protect those she loves and to avoid failure at all costs. I’m not trying to say I’m as fucked-up as some of these characters or that any of my situations are as bad as theirs were, just that I see bits of myself in them and can feel a connection to them.

what labels do you commonly get? Well there is a lot... fangirl, nerd, overachiever, butch, standoffish, weird, tomboy... if I named all the boxes I’ve been put in I'd be here all day!

what issues are you dealing with right now? Anxiety! That’s all I'm going to say, because I honestly think I’ve said enough about my problems. It makes me kind of uncomfortable shouting my fears into the internet because... it makes me feel guilty? I don’t know. Just... anxious. That’s my problem. 

how can someone win you over? If they display an extensive knowledge of one of my fandoms then I’m instantly sold. Do you know how hard it is to find fans outside of the internet sometimes, and even in the internet? I’m so down to get in any amount of fandom talk!

[soulkiba]

Got tagged by @udonbullets for the 11 questions thing! 1. Do you cry because of book/video games/movies? Oh yeah definetely. Or well, I atleast get teary eyed very easily. It’s kind of rare that I really do cry but it definetely does happen like, the end of MGS4 really did hit me hard, that was definetely the video game that made me cry the most. 2. Choose between card games/video games/board games Video games for sure. But card games and Board games can be alot of fun too. 3. A fictional character you would want as a room mate (and they were room mates) First, the “and they were room mates” vine is by far one of my favourtie vines. But regarding the question...hmm hard one. Harvey from Stardew Valley could probably be a pretty pleasant room mate, maybe Haru from Persona too. It definetely should be someone who doesn’t leave trash everywhere and isn’t too loud or like, smokes. And someone whos open minded and who I could just be friends with easily. 4. What do you crave? I mean, I really hope that I can handle everything thats gonna happen in the next few months but like, thats more hoping and not craving. But I guess a thing that I just really crave is actually a boyfriend. I just, often feel pretty lonely since I basically never get to really hang out and do alot of stuff with friends and all, and well a boyfriend doesn’t really have to fill that I guess cause maybe he won’t even live close to me but...I dunno, often when I’m outside on my own I just kinda imagine how it would be doing that or going there with someone who I would love and who does the same back and it’s kinda sad thinking about it cause I just don’t really get my hopes high. I guess the craving got a bit less once I thought more about the fact that I might never actually find someone more and that I well, just shouldn’t put too much hope into it and be more realistic but...yeah. Sorry if that might’ve been a bit negative. 5. Favourite school subject (any level) In elementary school, it was Art for sure. But later I started liking english more and more, probably because I just was pretty good at it and actually kinda was the best in my class until 11th grade. Art kinda died down a bit, just because we nearly always used water colours and I really started to hate that. 6. Favourite song? Hard to say since my taste in music literally changes every few weeks but yeah, there are some songs that are like, my all time favourites but I actually tend to forget them pretty easily. I think one of my favourites is Daybreak and Fireflies, especially Rachie’s cover. My R also really stuck with me. At the moment I’m pretty deep back into my J-Pop/Rock/Vocaloid phase again and I’m really liking I’m Glad You’re Evil too and Disappearance Addiction. Oh and I totally love Fake Happy from Paramore and Sweet Adeline by Avi and the Sequoias! Sorry for the Music Spam. 7.What super power do you wish you had that isn’t invincibility/immortality/invisibility/teleportation? I mean, it’s maybe a bit op but like, Transmutation would be pretty awesome like, just being able to change an Item into something completely different. and it would be incredibly useful too. Shapeshifting must be really fun too though, like being an animal for a bit or something. Or like, being able to pick things up with your mind, really there are alot of really cool ones but they all seem a bit extreme.  8.If you could only live in one place for the rest of your life would you move? If so where to? Hmm...yeah I think I would. My dream place to live is like, a small wooden house near a big lake in the forest. Not like, absolutely secluded, there should be like a small town nearby and like, hopefully internet too and stuff but that would be very nice. Just being able to live near the sea or at a lake would already be awesome though. Not really a preference regarding which like, country or state. 9.Do you like to wear sleeveless tops? Oh no, absolutely not. Doesn’t mean I despise them or anything but I already don’t like exposing alot of my body and especially not my shoulders cause like, I got fairly bad acne and it’s super annoying and I do have it around my shoulders and my upper back and really no one needs to see that. 10.What do you collect? I collected a bunch of things when I was younger but nowadays...not really anything I guess. Mainly cause it often just costs too much money or I just, lose interest in it. 11.One thing you only tell people you get to know? Hmm...I mean, theres definetely a difference if its online or in real life. Like, I do pretty openly talk about myself to people I meet online cause I usually talk to people there, where I know that they kinda have the same interests but when I know someone in real life, it’s alot harder for me to open myself to them. Maybe a reason why I never had alot of friends back in school, Iw as always quiet and never talked about my hobbies or interests cause I was scared of people judging me and that still happens today. But even with people I know online, it can still be very hard to tell them alot about myself cause I’m always kinda scared of being judged or just being plain annoying when I message them. So usually, with people online and with people in real life, the moment when I can say that I’m comfortable talking to them and that I can talk about things where I’m scared that others would judge me, thats kinda the moment that I really trust someone. I hope that kinda answers the question?

[syekick-powers]

i feel the need to write a long post about my experiences as an nb trans guy. i honestly feel like not enough people understand what that means. tw for mentions of miscarriages, deep discussion of transmasc dysphoria, and occasional mentions of sexual assault near the bottom.

my dysphoria didn’t really start until puberty. when i was a prepubescent child, i mostly felt okay about my body and who i was. did i have discomfort with how people perceived me? yes, but it was so heavily sublimated that i didn’t recognize it for what it was until years later. one of my earliest memories when i was a child was sitting in front of the TV in my grandma’s house watching arthur while my grandma cooked in the kitchen up the stairs. i was thinking to myself about gender, and i concluded that i must’ve been a boy, because that’s how i felt. i didn’t know anything about gender as genitals. i didn’t know anything about gender roles. i was a very young child with barely any conception of the differences between genders, and i still concluded i was a boy.

i didn’t think about that again for a long time. my mother, bless her, was obsessed with the idea of having a daughter. she told me over and over growing up how happy she was that i was born, how much she tried and tried to have me, how she had three miscarriages before finally giving birth to me. over and over and over, she insisted that she loved me specifically because i was “female”, because i was her “daughter”. this was a constant throughout my childhood, and when i was younger i didn’t fight it. because i didn’t really know anything about gender, and i let the adults decide for me because i didn’t have the vocabulary to describe what i was actually feeling.

would i have identified as nonbinary from childhood if i’d known what that meant? absolutely, i would have. once i knew the difference between penis and vagina, i always wanted to have both. i always wondered if that was weird, but i was too afraid of coming across as a freak to ask any of my peers if they felt the same way or if i was just a weirdo. i don’t necessarily buy into the “born in the wrong body” narrative, because my body is my body. i don’t always feel comfortable in it, but it’s still mine. i want to change it to make it fit myself better, because that is my right as a human being.

but i did have dysphoria. once i hit puberty, the changes my body was doing was enough to fill me with so much self-hatred. when my mom was telling me about puberty, she told me “now you’re going to grow breasts” and the very first words out of my mouth were “but i don’t WANT them!” my mother told me that the feeling of my breasts itching or hurting meant they were getting bigger, and to this day even the slightest unusual sensation around my chest gives me dysphoria. my greatest dysphoria was always around my chest. i never felt this pain when i was prepubescent because i didn’t have breasts. but when they started growing, i hated them so much. i just wanted to rip them off my body. they felt like alien parasites clinging to my skin, like fleshbags that had been stapled to my chest. every single time i felt them move or bounce i wanted to claw my own skin off.

but you know what? i had no idea what i was experiencing was dysphoria. my hatred of my body manifested as body dysmorphia. i felt ugly, ugly, ugly--but i had no idea it had anything to do with my gender, because ninety percent of the self-hatred i felt was because i was fat. that was the largest part of it--my family is descended from northern europeans, which means that our body types naturally favored carrying a lot of fat. when i was a young child, i was aromantic due to gender dissonance, but as a teenager i gradually realized i did want a relationship. but i was convinced i was just such an ugly “girl” that no one would ever love or even fuck me. i hated my body because it was fat, or so i thought. that was what i was convinced of, because it made enough sense.

the first clue that i had that i was maybe not just an ugly girl was when i started using the chatrooms on dA, aka dAmn. i entered a chatroom with a bunch of people in it and introduced myself, and gradually i became one of the regulars and even an admin in the chat. and since this was like a decade ago, the assumption on the internet was that most of the people who used the internet were men. people who came into the chat assumed i was a guy, just because that was how the internet was at that point. and when people came into that chatroom and assumed i was a guy... i never corrected them. i never proudly proclaimed “actually, i’m a girl.” i never acted offended or weirded out (though i was surprised that people didn’t think my alias sye didn’t sound feminine, because at the time i conceptualized it as a “feminine” name), and when people used he pronouns to refer to me, i always got a thrill from it.

eventually, however, i migrated off of dA and onto reddit. i was a fairly frequent reddit user in my later high school years, but i mostly interacted on the ragecomics subreddit, the vocaloid subreddit, and the queer subreddit r/ainbow. i picked out r/ainbow because during middle school i had been questioning my sexuality (at first i called myself pan, but then gradually i drifted to the bi label for a few reasons) and i’d heard that r/ainbow was a much friendlier subreddit, because a lot of redditors claimed that the r/lgbt subreddit had been taken over by tumblr SJWs, and since i was still overcoming a pretty serious case of 4chan poisoning at that point, i decided to pick the “friendlier”, less “SJW” queer subreddit. r/ainbow had pride flag flair (little icons you could put next to your username) and my first ever foray into identifying as nonbinary was changing my flair on r/ainbow to be a combination of the bi flag and the genderqueer flag.

now, i knew for a fact that my sibling also used reddit, and that he’d see my choice of flair sooner or later. eventually, we had a conversation about that, and he told me that he’d accept me and asked me about my pronouns and did all the accepting things he could, letting me know that he really cared about me.

my parents, on the other hand.... i didn’t come out to them for the longest time. i hate saying that i was “in the closet” because so many people use it to mean that the person doesn’t really know themself and that they’re just holding back showing everyone who they really are. i hated this idea that “being in the closet” meant you were being dishonest. so i never really considered myself “closeted”. but i didn’t tell people face to face that i was nonbinary. i was loud and out about it on the internet, but i never ever told anyone directly to their face that i was not cis. at the time, i was still not sure of what i wanted to do with myself. i’d just been introduced to the idea of not actually being a girl, and i was grappling with what that meant for me, what it meant for my self-perception. i’d had the identity of “girl” beaten into my head so much during my childhood thanks to my mother’s obsession with having a daughter that i didn’t know how to self-conceptualize any other way. i didn’t want to transition yet. i didn’t even want to socially transition. i was scared. terrified of what being trans meant. i went through a phase where i said i was “nonbinary but not trans” just because the idea of changing myself so drastically was terrifying, even if i hated my chest and hated presenting as female. (to a certain extent, i never really consciously presented as feminine. i had long hair, which meant that everyone assumed my presentation was “feminine”, even if i wore cargo pants and a leather jacket.)

but gradually, over time, my self-perception changed. i realized that part of the reason why i hated my appearance so much was because i was gendering my own features. my face wasn’t my face, it was a “female” face. my body wasn’t my body, it was “a girl’s body”. a lot of my ambient dysphoria came from just perceiving myself and my body in an inherently gendered way. over time, i trained myself not to see my own body as inherently anything. i didn’t have “a girl’s body”, i had my own body. i didn’t have a “girl’s” face, it was just my face. i still do experience dysphoria, mostly around my chest, but not nearly to the level i experienced as a teenager.

and, of course, with gender questioning, my sexuality questioning was also pretty intense too. one of the things i see a lot of queer cis people not understand is that the experience of being queer and trans is so much weirder than being queer and cis. you have no fucking idea how weird it is to grow up being attracted to men your whole life, loving how they look and their aesthetics and their voices and their bodies and everything--but just feeling so, so alienated at the idea of trying to be in a relationship with them. because of how they’d perceive you. because to them you’re just a girl, and boys are supposed to be the man of the house and women are supposed to be nurturing housekeeping mothers and how weird are you for being attracted to men and not wanting to be seen as a woman. because as a queer trans person, people assume you’re just a weirdo cis straight person with a fetishizing fixation on m/m (or f/f if you’re queer+transfem) couples. i remember when i first started using tumblr i saw a post from someone who said something like “i have read so much fanfiction now that i’m no longer attracted to men as a woman, but as a gay male” and the comments were just full of people screaming UGH STRAIGHT WOMEN ARE SO UGLY YOU GROSS FETISHIZING FREAKS HOW NASTY ARE YOU DISGUSTING SHAME SHAME SHAME and i, who had been reading m/m fanfiction and felt seen for the first time in my life, internalized such a huge amount of shame and self-disgust just from that post alone. any time i was attracted to a queer male character in a piece of media i hated myself so much for being a “fetishizer” because i wanted to be in a relationship with them, but couldn’t because i was just “a sad straight girl who turned gay men into a fetish”. never mind the fact that seeing m/m romance for the first time in my life made me feel seen and understood in a way that no m/f romance in mainstream media had ever made me feel. never mind the fact that i wasn’t even a girl in the first place. it’s nothing like being queer and cis at all.

i still remember the first time i came across gay male subcultures, and how different men with different body types would be categorized with various nicknames. i encountered the bear subculture, the group of men who were fat and hairy, and i felt something click. this, i thought. this is what i want to be. because i had spent so long thinking of myself as just an ugly girl, it never even occurred to me that there may be someone out there who would look at my body type and find it hot and sexy and desirable. my brain had been so drenched in a potent combination of self-hating misogyny, fatphobia, and transphobia that i couldn’t even consider myself sexually attractive at all. and then i found bears, and i realized that maybe someone could find me sexy and attractive, that i wasn’t just a failed girl, that someone could find me beautiful even with the body i had.

and it wasn’t just the whole “fat and still sexy” thing  that struck me about the bear subculture, either, it was specifically “fat and hairy and sexy”. because one of the ways i struggled with gendered expectations as a teenager was the feminine expectation to shave. i hated shaving my legs and my armpits. i have moles in my armpits that make shaving without hurting myself impossible, and my leg skin is so bumpy that i couldn’t shave there without hurting myself either. no matter how much i tried, i would always, ALWAYS nick myself in the shower with the razor, and in the case of my armpits, sometimes the moles would get actually stuck in the razors and it would fucking hurt. and my mother constantly, constantly harangued me to shave, told me that women who didn’t shave were seen as dirty and unhygienic and gross. to this fucking day i cannot wear shorts in public because my legs are SO hairy and i am so terrified of someone handing me shit for not shaving my legs. i literally cannot bring myself to wear anything but full-length pants out in public no matter how hot it is because of how scared i am of someone insulting me for my leg hair because they assume i’m a woman. but the bear subculture? you could be fat and hairy and still be stunningly attractive. you could be chubby and totally covered in hair and still be a total sex bomb.

eventually, i found myself wanting to take testosterone. i thought of myself as trans, not just nonbinary. i started to become more loud and direct about my gender. i was still not out to people in my face-to-face life, but on the internet i became pushier and pushier about my identity. i felt more and more like i wanted to alter myself so i could stop living in this perpetual pit of frustration that was dealing with dysphoria. i wanted to transition, more and more, even if the social consequences of transitioning were severe, because the longer and longer i went allowing people to assume i was female, the angrier and angrier it made me to be misgendered. when i was a child, someone calling me “lady” was nothing. but as i got older, hearing someone call me “lady” made me want to fucking snap their neck. i wanted to correct them so, so badly every single time, even if outing myself put me in danger.

my mother forcibly outed me as trans to the PCP doctor i was visiting, which was extremely stressful and painful for me at the time--but it turned out that the doctor’s brother was actually a trans man, and as a result he was much more friendly to me about my identity than most other doctors would be where i was living in rural nebraska. i had been struggling up to this point trying to find a place to get testosterone. the first place i went to was super gatekeep-y, where they had a policy of not calling you back to schedule an appointment if you didn’t call them repeatedly and insistently, because apparently only calling to ask for an appointment once meant that you didn’t “want it enough” to be “really trans” (never mind the fact that i have terrible phone anxiety). the second endocrinologist i tried didn’t actually prescribe HRT. it just wasn’t his thing. i drove 100 miles in bad weather to see him and he didn’t even do what i needed from him. but then i talked to the PCP my mother outed me to. i asked him to help me find a clinic where i could get testosterone. he did a quick google search and dug up a gender clinic in denver, printed out all their information for me, and told me to give them a try. now, denver was a few hours drive away from where i was living, but i had friends in colorado who would let me stay with them, so i had no problem with finding time to go to denver. in september 2019 i scheduled an appointment to go to this clinic, and they gave me a date and time and i made sure to schedule a trip to see my friends around it.

the moment i went into the clinic, i could tell that i was somewhere that would help me. the staff was mostly made up of black and latina women who were very kind to me. the patients were largely obviously GNC, transfem and transmasc alike. one of the patients in the waiting room when i went in was a person who had the brightest, most HOT PINK mohawk i’d ever seen and was wearing a tricked out leather jacket. most of the patients were also not white. i filled out their paperwork, and eventually they called me back to see the doctor.

the doctor was a nice man. he was wearing a rainbow lanyard. when he walked in, he asked me a few questions about my gender (mostly clarifying questions about my pronouns, since i said i liked both he and they pronouns and he wanted to know which of the two to use for me), listened to me discuss my gender dysphoria, and told me they were going to do a few blood tests to check my hormone levels to make sure that i didn’t have any medical problems that would get in the way of HRT. he sent me to their in-house lab, and the phlebotomist was a beautiful black woman who had a lovely laugh. i waited for a while longer in the waiting room while they ran their tests. then the doctor spoke to me again and told me that everything looked normal enough and i was cleared to start hormones. he said they had their own built-in pharmacy in the clinic where they’d send in a prescription for T and fill it the moment the insurance approval came back. this involved more waiting, but i was so excited about getting my hormones that i didn’t care. my best friend/qpp was with me at the time (they came with me for moral support since driving in denver is so fucking stressful), and i was happy enough that i was going to get my hormones that i didn’t care even if i had to wait all day.

and then, the nurses told me that i was going to do my first shot that day. they took me back into a back room with a vial of T and a needle and taught me how to do the injection. it was subcutaneous injections, so i didn’t have to worry about doing the long, scary intramuscular needle, but i still warned the nurse that i was a needlephobe and that i’d probably need to hype myself up for it quite significantly. but i was in a fuzzy state of mind at the time, too sleep-deprived to really feel any kind of fear. so the nurse told me “just pinch a bit of skin up and inject the needle halfway at an angle” and i was just like “okay!” and stuck myself immediately. the nurse was genuinely surprised.

i walked out of that clinic feeling giddy and unbelievably relieved. for the longest time i’d experienced nothing but obstacles when trying to get myself hormones. and all it took was one appointment at this gender clinic to get the prescription i needed. i was overjoyed beyond measure.

and i noticed, after i started testosterone, that my gender changed too. before i started T, i considered myself mostly non-gendered. i wanted only neutral pronouns.  even if i didn’t mind certain masculine terms, i still only wanted they pronouns. but the longer i was on T, the more masculine i felt. the more male i felt. and that, truth be told, did not bother me in the least. i feel comfortable in my skin now on testosterone, more than i had ever felt before. and i’m still changing. i’ve only been on T for about a year and 2/3rds or so, and bodily changes from hormonal transition take like 5 years to complete. i have a much deeper voice now, and i’m growing facial hair, but since i still have boobs and wide hips, people still assume i’m a woman. and even then, i’m happy as who i am. i’ll probably be happier once i get top surgery, but i’m still much happier with how i look now than i ever was as a teenager.

and you know what? i’m fine being a nonbinary guy. i consider myself both nonbinary, and s a trans man, because my gender isn’t wholly male, but i still feel comfortable being seen as “a man”. for the longest time i called myself “none gender with left boy”, but now it’s more like “guy gender with left eldritch.” i like thinking of my masculinity as inherently weird, like i’m some kind of odd colorful nonhuman creature that is man-shaped and has a deep voice and a flat chest but is still unmistakably nonhuman. i have a deep love and respect for the nonbinary community all those years that i identified solely as NB, but now i realize that thanks to the testosterone, i fit in somewhere else.

and let me tell you, it fucking hurts to be on tumblr, now realizing that i am, at least partially, a guy, and seeing how trans men are treated in queer spaces, both by t/er/fs and by other queer people, even other fucking trans people. it honestly feels to me like any time a trans man tries to speak about the specific experiences he has as a trans man, you have people either being like “you’re not oppressed because you’re a man so this didn’t happen”, or you have people being like “stop trying to dominate the conversation and take the focus away from transfems!”, or you’ll have t/er/fs either calling you a gender traitor or trying to indoctrinate you so they can brainwash you into detransitioning. and god fucking help you if you’re a trans man of color. MOC are already demonized enough for their identities; trans MOC get the worst of both worlds where they’re perceived as a threat due to being not white, AND due to being a man, AND due to being trans. it’s like everyone universally hates you for what you are, and refuses to let you speak about your problems because theyre 1) not “real” problems, or 2) you’re “stealing resources” from “the people who really need it” (i.e. transfems).

and this pisses me off so fucking much. i have no interest in playing oppression olympics with anyone, let alone my fellow trans people. i don’t want to claim that i’m “more oppressed” than transfems because by and large, i have led a fairly privileged life, and i recognize that. i know that i was lucky to be born to middle class parents who didn’t abuse/neglect me, who don’t hate me for being trans, who didn’t throw me out on the street when i came out to them. i know i am not more oppressed than others, even as a fat, queer, neurodivergent nb trans man--because i am white. because i was born to middle class parents. because i was not abused or neglected. i know this. i know it very well because my mother fucking raised me on a steady flow of “you’re so lucky to have us, you’re so lucky you’re not abused, so many other people have it so much worse than you do, you should be grateful we’re not abusing you.” and she did this so fucking much, in fact, that now i have a goddam complex of “everyone else has it worse than me so i should just shut up forever and never complain about anything because i have it so easy.” so when you have other people in the trans community itself playing the oppression olympics card, acting like focusing on anyone else aside from a very narrow group of people is “taking away resources” when it’s literally just trans men talking about what they experienced throughout their lives, i really don’t understand it. i don’t hate my trans sisters. i don’t want to pick fights with them over who’s had it harder. i want to stand in solidarity with them so we are united against the people who want to hurt and kill us. so when i see people acting like trans men are somehow “decentering the important people” when they literally do nothing else aside from just tell people shit that’s happened to them, i really have to wonder why they consider trans men to be less important to the conversation. over and over i’ve been fed messages that trans men are just secretly misogynists, that they just hate trans women and that’s why trans men get fooled into becoming T/ER/F/s. like, have you considered for a moment that maybe the reason why trans men and transmasc nbs get pulled into T/ER/Fi/sm is because so, so many trans spaces are SO FUCKING HOSTILE TOWARDS US??? AND THAT T/ER/FS MIGHT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS???? 

idk bro. the internet’s version of feminism is just hatred of men, of any and all kinds. it is just pain turned outward against people perceived to be the problem, who are not. so many people are like “trans men are just misogynists” but being fucking real with you, most of the people in my life who have mistreated me and been cruel to me over my gender are cis fucking women. ive heard so, so many stories from other trans men about how badly the cis women in their lives mistreated them because of their gender, their transition, their appearance. i hear stories about trans men being fooled into dating t/er/fs who then mentally, physically, and sexually abused them into detransitioning. even my own fucking mother, who raised me with this feminine expectation because she so badly wanted me to be her perfect “daughter”, reacted badly to me coming out as trans, because she confessed to me at one point that it felt like i was “rejecting how [she’d] raised [me].”

i want to be happy in my body. i want to be happy in who i am. but when casual hatred of men is so fucking condoned in queer (and even trans) spaces, it makes it really fucking hard to feel happy or comfortable in any of these places. at all. hatred of men doesn’t help anyone. it hurts trans men, who don’t need to be shit on so much just for being themselves and presenting in a way that makes them happy. it hurts nb people, especially those who are masculine-presenting or masc-of-center, AFAB and AMAB alike (since so many people see AMAB nbs as just “man lite”). it hurts trans women, both in and out of the closet, because it assumes that they’re male too and that they don’t know anything about female experiences despite being women themselves. it hurts cis men because it teaches them that people are going to assume they’re inherently threatening and violent and evil, even if they’re trying their best not to be any of those things, so why bother trying to be otherwise when people already expect you to be a violent, predatory asshole? and fuck, this whole bullshit of “men bad women good” doesn’t even help cis women either, because it fools them into believing all women are inherently safe, making it easier for female abusers to take advantage of them because “i’m a soft pretty girl uwu i could never hurt you like those bad evil dirty violent men could. how could i possibly hurt you. im just a sweet innocent girl uwu.”

like you can say “men aren’t oppressed for being men” all you want, but that doesn’t stop people from hurting and abusing and even killing trans men, queer men, men of color, neurodivergent men, disabled men, etc. and if you don’t believe that these intersections can intensify their oppression just because they’re men, then i really don’t know what to fucking tell you. trans men both queer and straight are shit on for being men because cis people see us as sad, broken failed women and other trans people see us as threatening and dangerous stealers of resources. cis queer men are shit on for not being “real” men and will be called things like “sissy” and “f*g” for not conforming to traditional cishet masculinity. men of color are seen as inherently threatening and dangerous just for existing as men and POC simultaneously. and disabled and neurodivergent men are also seen as “not real men” because they can’t perform to some arbitrary standard of able-bodied masculinity imposed on them by neurotypicals, for being “weird”, for not being “tough enough”, for their behavior being seen as threatening just because neurotypical people can’t understand what they’re doing, for having accommodation needs that people don’t want to meet because it’s inconvenient for them. sure, a white, cishet, neurotypical, able-bodied man is not going to be “oppressed” for being a man. this particular type of man will live a “privileged” life. but just acting like all men have no problems period and that their problems aren’t “real” problems just because they’re not women is NOT going to make men stop and go “wow maybe i’m being an asshole” when confronted about misogyny or whatever, it’s going to make them get defensive and double down. you don’t start a conversation with someone by telling them that their life was so easy and they don’t know what real problems are.  if you REALLY want to open people’s eyes to misogyny (and transmisogyny), the way of doing that is NOT by shitting all over all men and acting like they’re all evil bastards who’ve never known what it’s like to be oppressed. and i hate how the phrase “not all men” has turned into an invite to be dogpiled and abused, especially when you’re talking about trans men or queer men or MOC, because clearly you’re just a dumb evil man trying to mansplain misogyny to the righteous, pure cis women who are clearly the only group of people on the planet who’ve ever experienced any kind of gender-based oppression at all.

i am an nb trans man. i am trans and nb and a man. and i am sick and tired of seeing trans men be mistreated. me talking about my issues is NOT “stealing resources” from transfems. me talking about my experiences with misogyny and toxic beauty standards is not “taking” anything away from anyone. i am not “dominating the conversation” just for talking about my life. i am not a threat to other trans people just for fucking existing as a man. i want my voice to be heard--not at the expense of others, but i’m tired of other voices being elevated at the expense of my voice. iim not demanding that all the resources be funneled to trans men. i’m not asking for trans women and transfems to be listened to and respected and validated less. i just want trans men to have an equal seat at the table. i just want us to be told that we are welcome specifically because we are trans and men, because our community should welcome all trans people. i’m not going to ever play oppression olympics with anyone because i will always, always lose that fight, but i don’t have to be the most oppressed person in a discussion for my voice to deserve to be heard. i have struggled my entire life with my identity, both gender and sexuality wise, and i am just sick and fucking tired of people telling me that i’m wrong for whatever reason for doing this or that or the next thing when i’m just existing as myself. i’m not fucking hurting anyone. i live a pretty blessed life compared to others, considering my parents and some of my other family have no problem financially supporting me while i grapple with my ADHD and depression. i’ve said this before and i’ll say it again: i’m not asking to take away resources from anyone. i just want trans men to be listened to and elevated too. our voices are also important. we contribute to the trans experience too. we go through systemic oppression too. and it’s not unfair or threatening for me to say “hey, i’m not trying to take away from your problems, but i also want to talk about what i’m going through and be validated for it too.” it’s not like by validating transfems, we cannot validate anyone else in the entire community. it’s not “mom says it’s my turn on the valid” here. we can uplift each other without taking from each other. and the amount of casually condoned hatred of men i’ve seen is fucking exhausting. it hurts every single time i see it. it’s fucking r/a/d/fe/m rhetoric too, this idea that all men are inherently bad. and seeing people espouse it uncritically hurts pretty much everyone.

i guess what i’m saying is, that i’ve had a long life journey to get to this point of being happy with who i am. and i refuse to let people tear me down for it just because they’ve swallowed too much t/er/f rhetoric to understand that this casual, pervasive hatred of men hurts everyone. it hurts trans and cis men. it hurts trans and cis women. it hurts nb people of all kinds, masc-aligned, fem-aligned, and unaligned, transfem and transmasc alike. it doesn’t do anything but wank the oppression boner of angry cis women who think that trans women/transfems are the root of all evil and that trans men/transmascs are just gender traitors that need to be raped and psychologically abused until they accept that they’re “really women”. i don’t want to steal anything from anyone. i just want to be listened to and told that my experiences matter. and our community is really not doing that right now, and it’s bullshit.

trans men, transmasc nbs, i love you. i love all of us. we are not “dangerous”, we are not “threatening”, we’re not “stealing resources” just for fucking existing and asking to be heard. we are amazing people, choosing to fight for our identities in a world that would strip us of all our agency. we deserve to be happy. we deserve to be loved. and if no one else is going to do it, i’ll love us anyway.