#I make minimum wage and you want me to worry about if there's a heaven or hell???

[gxlden-angels]

Is there a more specific term than "agnostic" for me cause I feel like that implies "I believe in a deity/deities/spiritual relationship, I just don't exactly know which one or how"

My belief is less "I don't know" and more "I think there's the possibility of something out there it's just that it's none of my business." Like if we found out Zeus, Jesus Christ, and Ra are actually best buddies and go to trivia every Thursday and that the Rapture was supposed to happen 50 years ago and got cancelled or some shit and it's like..I answer phone calls at a front desk man idk what you want me to do with that info

[fitzrove]

Ajkdlsld nobody asked for this extremely long misogyny rant but

😭😭 why is society so shit w rampant misogyny everywhere (most painfully, from other women) skkslsls. Reading the replies on that makeup post i reblogged and being chronically online in general is pissing me off lmao

Disclaimer: lol obviously this is all intersectional, like there are lots of ways in which I am extremely privileged (white/European/from a stereotypically desirable "educated, trustworthy, well-behaved, high tech" country/cisgender/able-bodied/neurotypical/privileged economic class etc etc). Doesn't mean the points outlined below don't apply to many women in relation to men who are in their otherwise same demographic

Things that I like about being a woman:

- my body (well don't always like it but don't want to change anything djkdkdj)

- being a lesbian

- being friends with other women (is easier) & not perceived as threatening by them in random interactions

- feeling "special" in some situations where i'm trailblazing or achieving something in a guy-dominated space, especially when other people point that out

- most interests i have/could think of having have no stigma attached to them that would make it difficult for me to pursue them. also corsets and ballgowns etc femme goth fashion pieces being societally 100% acceptable for me to wear in some situations and not even fringe

Things I don't like about being a woman:

- sexual harassment

- being talked over

- wage and employment discrimination

- basic misogyny shit like being expected to have children and take responsibility for all the people around you

- violent heteronormativity (obviously still hurts non straight men but hurts women more because the world feels so entitled to our bodies)

- having to worry about straight guy friends and acquaintances (esp classmates)' intentions (sadly its not stigmatised enough for people to be pushy w women so i get scared pre-emptively :/)

- SOCIETAL EXPECTATIONS FOR APPEARANCE AND COERCIVELY ENFORCED GENDER CONFORMING FEMININITY GRAAHHHHH going to kill every fashion beauty health etc company :) i don't care if doing it makes you personally happier or more confident you know where else conformity makes you powerful? politically oppressive dictatorships<3

- women friends (classmates) whose idea of girl talk is to alternately complain about and fawn over men through a sexual/romantic lens and evaluate them as potential partners, and who take my refusal to participate in this as personal rejection/rudeness and pull away from me as a friend because of it

- existence being political 24/7. no i cant ignore that its just always there

- dating (thats shit for everyone but there are specific annoying lesbian dating experiences such as: MEN EVERYWHERE not just unicorn seeker couples but he/him guys on women's apps, astrology truthers, people with bad haircuts HDJJDJD sorry i'm so mean i just hate the "berlin fringe" soooo much, etc.) and the chance that people you meet won't even take dating you seriously because society prioritises f/m so hard. its messed up because it presupposes unequal division of labour but i wish i could be like an esteemed jrr tolkien type 1950s professor and just be super in love with my wife with whom i'm settled down somewhere picturesque. But I don't think you can get a relationship like that as a queer woman because 1) obviously equality lol idk who even wants that and is not a tradwife 😭💀 2) most women who would like that probably don't think a female partner can give them that :/. Girlies literally be yearning for the masculine societal role because of the associated privileges

- Men being inherently perceived as "good guys" "chill" etc. in mixed academic/professional environments and always taken seriously intellectually, women seen in a more patronizing way/easily perceived as hysterical/a bitch/deficient in some other way

- men being praised to high heavens for doing the bare minimum vs women being always expected to be outstanding people by default

- pick me girl/not like other girls/etc discourse. This keeps happening and nobody ever learns that its dumb 😭

- men being seen as better deeper artists and male historical figures/intellectuals holding universal appeal whereas women rarely got to do anything interesting OR if they did they always get diminished and ignored (largely because media doesn't pick up these stories to highlight). none of you would care about crown prince rudolf if she had been a girl irl and i wouldn't either because often w female historical figures we're expected to care first and foremost about their romantic relationships with men💀💀💀💀💀💀💀 if girls have thoughts about foreign policy 1) they usually couldnt voice them before like 1900s 2) their entire existence and life story from cleopatra to margaret thatcher (yeah evil person but still) is tinged by misogyny from all sides (opponents, allies) which makes for pretty unappealing Content to engage with

- periods LMAO

- strangers feeling entitled to bump into me and get in my personal space (public transport etc)

- the way some feminist activism treats women as a monolith. like all that discourse about how society is not built for women's tiny fragile bodies. Like yeah important point ofc but I fucking hate being erased from existence as a tall woman. you bet if this was being done to short men there would be outcry

- in general people feeling entitled to me and receiving help and advice from me without giving anything in return. sorry i feel like this is just turning into a vaguepost abt classmates

- online queer discourse where there seems to be not a lot of space for this line of thinking that I have?? This is NOT intended as transphobic or even directed at trans people (rather the general community), but sometimes i feel like only trans people are ""entitled"" to hate their pre-transition assigned social role and everyone else has to like it because #girl power and otherwise it's just internalized misogyny or at the very least you misogynistically hating other women for being happy with their position/choices

- i'm tired of typing this is such an embarrassing post tbh

[feraltuxedo]

Oh look I made another cover... this one for my first and quite possibly only attempt at kid fic:

Fledging by FeralTuxedo M, 53381 words. Summary: Cool Dad was at the school gate again. Clambering out of his ridiculous sports car like a great big spider, all black denim and designer sunglasses. What a prat. He made his way towards the entrance, followed by his equally lanky son. All the mums' eyes were on him. Which was fine. At least they weren't staring at Aziraphale for a change. Cool Dad high-fived his son goodbye, because of course he did, then sauntered back to his car. Making it look so bloody easy. Aziraphale Fell is much too young to be looking after eleven-year old Pepper. He barely has his life together as it is, with his minimum-wage job and a half-baked dream of trading rare books for a living. And as if adopting a recently bereaved pre-teen isn’t enough, there are some rather more adult problems to navigate: playground politics, the shadows of his own childhood, and the growing question of how Crowley, the only other dad at the school gate, feels about him.

Excerpt below.

Aziraphale reached the street corner and looked up to cross. A sleek black two-seater stopped right in front of him. The window wound down, revealing a pair of sunglasses.

‘Hiya. Want a lift anywhere?’

Cool Dad pointed at the empty passenger seat.

‘Um,’ Aziraphale said.

Fantastic. Very articulate. Cool Dad leaned across the gear stick and pushed the passenger door open, making the decision for him. Automatically, Aziraphale got in the car. He regretted it almost immediately. Sitting this close to him, he noticed just how attractive the man was. Sharp cheekbones, long nose, wavy hair the colour of rust. Hot Dad as well as Cool Dad.

‘So?’ he said, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. ‘Where d’you need to go?’

Aziraphale tore his gaze away from the man and looked straight ahead onto the road.

‘Oh, yes. Into town, if that’s all right. The Asda car park, if you wouldn’t mind. Thank you so much, I really do appreciate it.’

Before he’d finished talking, the car accelerated. There was the unpleasant swoop of inertia in Aziraphale’s stomach. He dug his fingers into the expensive leather of the seat. The car glid along the road almost noiselessly.

‘You’re new here,’ said Cool Dad, incomprehensibly keen on making small talk. ‘Been seeing you all this week. Not trying to be creepy or anything, but you’re the only other bloke at the gate.’

‘Yes, I did notice that. You, me, and a hundred mums. Pepper’s new at the school. She’s in Year 7.’

Cool Dad whistled.

‘Your daughter’s the notorious Pepper Fell?’

‘Actually, she’s not my— wait, why notorious?’

He took a hand off the steering wheel to scratch his neck. His nails left faint red streaks along his jawline. Aziraphale forced his eyes back on the road. They had nearly reached the centre now.

‘Er, I probably shouldn’t tell on her if she’s not talked to you about it, but… yeah. You probably want to know what she’s been up to. It’s actually hilarious.’

The fact that five days into her new school career she was already known as the ‘notorious Pepper Fell’ was worrying indeed. For heaven’s sake. He was so out of his depth.

Cool Dad glanced sideways at him. ‘You free at all this morning? You look like you could do with a strong coffee and I’ve got the morning off, so...’

With compliments to my under-eye circles, thought Aziraphale. The to-do list was burning a hole in his pocket. Taking the day off had cost him already. He needed to get everything done today or he’d have to take another holiday next week, and Gabriel would hate that. He looked at Cool Dad next to him, shaded eyes flitting back and forth between the passenger seat and the road ahead. A small smile played around his lips. A smile or a smirk, hard to tell. And still, he’d been the only person so far this week to show him any kindness. To offer help. A ride and a coffee. And damn, Aziraphale deserved to sit in a café opposite a good-looking man after the week he’d had.

‘Yes,’ he said, stomach swooping again. Probably from the rather abrupt halt at the traffic light. ‘I’m free.’

[spinningintheshadows]

290 Song Lyric Prompts

This is months of work, FIVE different "Volumes" (Playlists). I have combined all of my previous Song Lyric Prompts into one post, one list. I hope you enjoy. They are separated by Volume because tumblr yelled at me :)

Playlists:

[Volume One]

[Volume Two]

[Volume Three]

[Volume Four]

[Volume Five]

Volume One

 “Drive this car through the drive thru please”

“Dirty laundry looks good on you”

 “Where’s the dotted line at?”

 “Are there windows in heaven?”

 “Bought you a twelve pack, promised you sushi”

 “I want to take you to a gay bar”

 “I’m in love with the girl I hate”

 “It’s been a while since I’ve felt butterflies”

 “One day you’ll know who you want to be”

 “You ain’t nothing but a prick”

 “You’re not in love with me”

 “I wanna kiss you every minute, every hour, every day”

 “On second thought, forget it, that one turns out kind of cool”

 “Honey, I’ve got real bad news”

 “I heard that rock is dead and cellphones give you cancer”

 “It will be worth it, everything you went through”

 “They’ve never drove through Indiana”

 “You’re my song, my sweet home Alabama”

 “You’ve got so many options, every fish in the sea wants to kiss you”

 “Relationships, I don’t know why, they never work out and they make you cry but the guy who says goodbye to you is out of his mind”

 “My family is dysfunctional but we have a good time killing each other”

 “I fell in love in the back of a cop car”

 “You don’t have to worry”

 “I’m still having nightmares”

 “I flashback to the night in your parents yard when we drank too much and we talked about God”

 “We’re gonna make it if takes all night”

 “She’s my kind of crazy”

 “Who says you can’t go home?”

“Fist fights turn into sex, I wonder what comes next?”

 “If I were a boomerang, I’d turn around and come back to you”

 “It’ll still be two days till I say I’m sorry”

 “Remember when you broke your foot jumping out the second floor?”

 “There’s room for two, six feet under the stars”

 “Oh god, I did the wrong thing to the right girl”

 “When it comes to condoms, put two on”

 “I won’t give up on us”

 “I’m a bit too pop for punk kids, but I’m too punk for the pop kids”

 “We don’t have trouble sleeping”

 “Daddy’s little girl knows how to party”

 “A days worth of bitching goes down the drain when you lay in my bed and pick my brain.

 “Wrong name, my mistake”

42. “Being us feels good to us”

 “It’s not high school, man, you graduated six years ago”

 “A few drinks in, here I go missing you again”

 “There’s something about the way our bedsheets turn religion upside down”

 “And I’ve made mistakes, but you were not one”

 “I swear to god, I never fall in love”

 “I miss the way you breathe, the way you twitch in your sleep. Your smile, your straight teeth and the scars along on your cheeks”

 “When you talk, its in cursive to me. And it’s nicer than anything I’d ever believe about me”

 “I don’t mind if you fuck up my life”

 “Make a man feel rich on minimum wage”

 “You broke my heart and all I got was this t shirt”

 “You ask “When did I first know?” I always knew”

 “You’re kind of hipster, I grew up on punk rock”

 “Made a rebel of a careless man’s careful daughter”

 “And all my friends don’t give a fuck”

 “We’ll talk about how your parents separated and how you don’t want to make the same mistakes as them”

 “Is it really your anxiety that stops you from giving me everything?”

 “Leave your sorrys, grab your car keys.”

 “I’d unfuck you if I could”

 “You say you love me, I know you love me. Love that you love me, baby”

 “I lose my voice when I look at you, can’t make a noise though I’m trying to”

 “Now with my eyes wide open, it’s heaven in your arms”

 “I know that you’re in pain but if we die at the same time does it still scare you?”

 “I can make you laugh ‘til you cry, but she can make your tears dry”

 “I hope a heart only breaks this bad once in a lifetime”

 “I didn't call you back because I was learning to dance”

 “Sometimes I just want to tell you about my day”

 “Yes my fucking nails are painted, what you think I didn’t know?”

 “Mama tried to raise me right, but she couldn’t raise the hell out of me”

 “Dancing in the dark ‘til the sun comes, tangled in the sheets ‘til the days done”

 “I take a drink ‘cause the truth is hard to swallow”

 “Big heads up, that’s a really stupid plan”

 “We used to kiss all night, now it’s just a bar fight”

 “What’s the point of going out when you could just give me a call”

 “I didn’t know I was broken until I wanted to change”

 “We have something worth remembering”

 “I fell in love with the girl at the rock show”

 “And I just can’t stop thinking of you, wherever you are"

"I never wanna leave this sunset town

Volume Two

“Do you ever get a little bit tired of life?”

“Will you even look back when you think of me?”

“Somebody’s gonna love you. Take all the dark, turn it to light and paint you sky blue”

“They’re judging me, I’m judging you, we ain’t got nothing else to do”

“Don’t wake me up in the middle of the night, because I finally found you”

“I lose my voice when I look at you, can’t make a noise though I’m trying to tell you all the right words”

“If all it is is eight letters, why am I in my own way?”

“If I said I want your body, would you hold it against me?”

“They say don’t go to bed angry but I guess that’s where we are”

“Things you take for granted when you grow up by the beach”

“Go on then, love, and show me your heart, ‘cause you are enough as you are and I’m awestruck”

“Is it really your anxiety that stops you from giving me everything, or do you just not want to?”

“Welcome to the world that we live in. A perfect collision, it’s beat down, it’s broken, it’s bright. Welcome to happiness, sadness, to love and to madness”

“I always hear you on the background laughing, you know I hate it when you’re not around”

“These days you’ve been stuck in my brain, wanna play you over and over again”

“Secrets don’t make friends. We make love and love falls apart”

“Tell me you’re okay, yeah what’s that like? Rose tinted glasses, it must be nice. Doing your best while you die inside”

“I’m happy to see the happy back in your eyes”

“You make it hard to miss this hometown”

“A bad boy seems like a good idea until it’s too late”

“Couldn’t keep running, had to hit rock bottom to know”

“I wanna get back to where we started, to the summer night. You know, you know, you know, you know we got it right”

“I realized you are destined and meant to be mine”

“Keep switching your alibi, stuttering when you reply”

“But fuck, I’m so alone, and really need some help”

“We’re dancing on the edge of anxiety’s ledge and I might fall again”

“If we’re said and done, I know that I shouldn’t say that I still care but I still care”

“I haven’t slept in days but who’s counting”

“So I drown it out like I always do, dancing through our house with the ghost of you”

“Too many bottles of wine, can’t get my ducks in a row”

“Got me panicking, manic, and I can’t get no sleep”

“I’ve got a feeling I don’t get a grip I will slip and fall completely under”

“Some days you start singing’ and you don’t need a reason”

“I need a little more luck than a little bit, cause every time I get stuck the words won’t fit”

“Must be the music that’s got me shaking like an addict”

“I bite my tongue so you don’t hear me”

“I’d unfuck you if I could”

“Here’s to now and nothing else, in the crowd all by yourself. To the hellos and the goodbyes, the lows and every high. In this moment I could die with you.”

“Just watch from a safe place so I never have to lose”

“I don’t really understand this life and why we’re all here.”

“If you need me now, I’ll be there somehow”

“I’m so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere”

“Let’s see how far I’ll go now that I’ve lost control”

“If I could go back and erase you from my mind, I’d do it in a second”

“I was so scared of losing you, so I lost myself instead”

“I fell in love, in love with you suddenly.”

“Your heart belongs to someone else and I’m always here to keep you company”

“You say you’re sorry and you want us to fix what’s wrong, but I’d rather dye all my insides blonde”

“These last two years were the worst of my life”

“So hold on tight it’s a fast ride in the end”

Volume Three

“If I knew from the start would it change a thing?”

“You don’t have the time to not make time”

“There’ll be happiness after you but there was happiness because of you”

“You used to make me feel like I could walk on water but now most nights I’m just sinking”

“So go to hell and tell the devil I’m not that far behind”

“I’m trying to keep from going insane, ain’t that the way of this whole damn thing”

“For a minute, I was stone cold sober”

“I wish I could still call you friend”

“I know I deserve what you’re putting me through”

“I’ve been trying hard not lose my breath ever since you left”

“Where did you lose your happiness?”

“You’re the thing that I can’t quit”

“Trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat”

“Tell me it’s okay to be happy now”

“I was born but I wasn’t raised”

“I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again”

“Five best friends on four bald tires”

“Even if I knew you’d be the one that got away, I’d still go back and get you”

“Tell me who you were falling for when we were lying on the floor”

“All the greats die young, that’s probably why I’m still alive”

“I never thought we’d make it out”

“I wish we could live here all the time”

“I know that you’re in pain but if we die at the same time, does it still scare you”

“I don’t want to leave this bar until I get your number”

“All that I know is that I just can’t say no to you, funny how things never change”

“I was young and horny.”

“I’d kill for one more way to tell you how you make me better every day”

“How did we end up talking in the first place”

“The weight of the world’s getting harder to hold up”

“There’s a lot more color in the mix when you’re loud and proud out in the sticks”

“Faking smiles and confidence”

“Fight the break of dawn, come tomorrow, tomorrow I’ll be gone”

“Why do I get myself into something I’m not ready for”

“I’d be lying if I tried telling you that you’re not everything that I want”

“It’s bittersweet I can still count on you for something”

“I see you when I close my eyes. I see you like I did that night”

“Tomorrow isn’t promised if the planet falls apart”

“If we get sober, we’ll never get old until we die”

“The tears from your eyes are leaving stains on your shirt, man”

“I ignore all the warning signs, fall for you every time”

“If I think you’re for real, I’m in denial”

“I’m just trying not to lose my shit this time”

“You don’t want to be friends, you’re just horny and fucked up at two am in the morning”

“I’m still young, wasting my youth. I’ll grow up next summer”

“With a full moon and a shitty mood”

“Everything gets fuzzy when you come around”

“I’ll be fine even though I’m not always right”

“We haven’t got time to be putting out fires we didn’t start”

“When you touch me I know there is purpose in my life”

“Maybe someone will save us before we drown”

Volume Four

“Playing fiction in a parking lot, anything to be more than an afterthought”

“Yeah, that’s good to know, wish I knew three years ago”

“I watched you fall away, evade accountability”

“Was I a fool for ever thinking I could get you to stay?”

“If I wake up and I’m still breathing, meet me where the sidewalk ends” 

“Today I called to tell you that I’m changing but I don’t think you have enough respect to see me try”

“Don’t you ever dare call me Vanilla”

“I read your letter, the one you left when you broke into my house”

“Leave it to me to fuck it up without a good reason.” 

“I’m not scared to jump if you want to”

“I’ll keep my secrets inside of my mind, promise I loved you but you roll your eyes”

“Got this bloodstain on my shirt, looking back it doesn’t hurt”

“I don’t mind sleeping all alone, but I’d rather wake up next to you” 

 “I’m always the outcast, I’ll take the blame. The first night you met me, you forgot my name”

 “Like bullets inside my head, you’re drivin’ me insane but there ain’t nothing I would change”

 “I’m at the same dead end, the lonely space in my head”

 “Now we’re at the part where you’ll hate what you see, what the fuck is wrong with me?”

“We’ve got this thing and it’s untouchable. It’s so dirty, pretty, beautiful” 

 “I’m a first class ticket to a fistfight, took a hit to the ribs but I feel just fine.”

“Is this butterflies or nausea? I can’t tell the difference anymore”

 “Tell me what it’s like to be loved by you”

“Baby, I can tell you ain’t easily impressed”

“Like weeds through the concrete cracks, and the flowers by the railroad tracks”

“It’s only been a couple of days and I miss you”

“When you change your mind, I’ll be waiting”

“I only miss you at midnight”

“Remember when you hit the brakes too soon, twenty stitches in a hospital room”

“Mama tried to raise me right but she couldn’t raise the hell out of me”

“So let’s take it back to the basics ‘cause let’s face it, I am on my own”

 “You’d never remember me when you’re pulling on his jeans”

 “I’m over wasting time in life trying to be something I’m not”

 “There’s only one place I wanna be” 

 “Deep dive off the coast of my feelings”

 “I’m glad to say this chapters about to end”

 “And when you touch me like that I get a little attached”

 “I’m single in September when I didn’t want to be”

 “I’m at best your second option”

 “Redefine rock bottom with these empty orange bottles”

 “A sloppy drunk obsessed with his juul”

“The things I’ve learned from a broken mirror, how a face can change when the heart knows fear”

 “I can’t forget the way you looked without your jeans on”

“I’ma treat you right tonight, let’s make it last forever”

“Pushed out of the family tree”

“Guess I think too much, maybe I’m obsessed with universal things like money love and death”

“You love who you love, ain’t nothing you should ever be ashamed of”

“With the boombox blaring as we’re falling in love”

 “I go back to the loss of a real good friend, and the sixteen summers I spent with him”

“There’s a noise complaint from room 304”

“Just shut up and drink your diet soda”

“We had to learn the hard way”

 “All You ever wanted was a part of me that I couldn’t fake”

“Love’s got a funny way of keepin’ score”

 “If the world ends, I hope I’m in my living room with my best friends”

“Baby blue eyes, stay with me by my side ‘til the mornin”

 “I’ll have you know, I’m scared to death”

“Tell yourself it’s never gonna happen again”

     “All the times you said you hate me, baby, I know what it feels like now. Damn it, I’m sorry”

“I would have married you in Vegas had you given me the chance to say I Do”

“Oh well, guess I’ll see you in hell”

“I got one thing to say and that’s thanks for nothing, kiss my ass”

Volume Five

 “Wide awake but it just feels wrong”

“We can fuck about it later if you want”

“I was fighting for my life eight months ago”

“Don’t be fooled, I’m only letting you down”

“Let’s run free and carry on, like we did when we were young”

“But I’m headstrong and stubborn and stuck in my ways”

“I wanna wake up with you and I, I wish we could live here all of the time.”

“I know my love should be celebrated, but you tolerate it”

“I have this thing where I get older but never get wiser”

“I picked the petals, he loves me not”

“There’s always gonna be that one forever thing attached to you and me”

“Moving on isn’t something I regret, but it hard to forget” 

“I don’t want to waste my life without you baby”

“As memories fade, nothing’s the same, guess I better act my age” 

“You’re either with us or you can keep it to yourself”

“They say bad things happen for a reason”

“This could be the end of everything”

“Love me for who I am and who I’m gonna be”

“When we were still changing for the better”

“I’d tell you that I’m scared of turning out a failure”

“It’s safe to say I knew it, yeah, I knew it all along” 

“You can do just what you like tonight”

“Memories I hold to keep safe, and I live for that look on your face”

“Go ahead and take life’s lemons, you can mix them with some top shelf”

“Now we’re at the part where you’ll hate what you see.”

“I’ll go through the walls and kick down doors” 

“I even hate my favorite band, all because of you.”

“You make me feel like  1990 something”

“There’s nothing but broken streetlights, and I’m just trying to escape”

“I know I shouldn’t tell you” 

“Have you ever been alone in a crowded room?”

“Don’t you go and carry on with your life”

“So go to hell and tell the Devil I’m not that far behind” 

“Sex and white lies, handcuffs and alibis”

“So pour me another and kiss me like there’s no tomorrow” 

“Spare me just three last words”

“I still don’t know when I can come home, but I promised I would try”

“I barely know her but she starts to give me butterflies”

“She said she wants me for a lifetime”

“Guess I’m getting used to sleepless nights”

“You look pretty with my heart in the palm of your hand” 

“I thought this was as bad as it gets but I was wrong”

“You don’t wanna love me right now, ‘cause baby, I don’t even like me” 

“Lying isn’t me, so I’ll just be completely honest” 

“This shit should be a sin”

“Part of me’s a saint, but I’ll be a sinner”

“I miss you in the mornings when I see the sun”

“Now those songs we used to sing are just songs I can’t sing anymore”

“I would do anything, anything for you”

“I’d drive her anywhere from here to California” 

[shallowseeker]

So, @dawg-motif I've been thinking about stitching your Nature and Nurture and Greed threads together...

Emotions are the ammunition to Jack-as-WMD

Yes, Jack is the Chicken and the Snake, and that dual nature contributes to his Greed and ability to act on that Greed in a way that feels almost like rigging a casino. (We see other cosmic beings associated to gambling houses: Chuck is associated to casinos, Amara likes keno, and Cas likes riverboat gambling.)

So, Jack's Nature is the Snake, and the snake eats and acts in accordance with its Nature, but it's his Nurture gives him things to care about so very, very deeply.

The circumstances of his birth are isolating and tragic, and that makes him both hungry for love and ruthless when it comes to protecting those he cares about.

I think the tragedy of this is that his Nurture is giving his Nature things to come unhinged about, and that's how you get things like Jack choking out a minimum-wage gas station worker.

///

I think too about Dean lamenting in vintage SPN, that "the things he'd do to protect Dad and Sam scare him sometimes."

Cut to Good Intentions, where Cas casts off his coat of humanity, to tell Donatello, "I can't let you hurt the ones I love. Not again."

Emotions give you a lot to lose. They bring out the best in you; they bring out the worst in you.

///

Loneliness is the Worst Torture Imaginable

If Jack is greedy like the Snake, then he wants the Chicken's Earthly delights in an Immortal way. He doesn't want to be alone, ever. It's the immortal's dilemma: What's the use of being a cosmic being if he's going to end up alone?

The mortal changes irrevocably when he finds something to live for, in rebellion of his impending doom. But maybe the immortal changes irrevocably when he finds something to die for, in rebellion of his horrific endlessness.

Despite having experienced humanity, Jack is definitely embodying the dilemma of the immortal here.

///

You're all I have

I think Jack's outsider status exacerbates this, because he just doesn't have a lot outside of hunting.

He laments in 13x06 Tombstone:

JACK: No, you don't… Every time I try and do something good, people get hurt. I thought I was getting better. I'm not… I don't know what I am, but I know I can't make the world a better place, not like this. I can't even do one good thing. And I know that if I stay, I'm gonna hurt you. All of you. And… I can't. You're all I have.

And in 14x14 Ouroboros:

JACK: What is the good of having these powers if I can't help the people that I love, if I can't help them when they need it? CAS: Jack -- JACK: It's selfish of me not to. ...

ROWENA/MICHAEL: You think you can match me, boy? This power you have now -- it's nothing, just a crutch. How dare you! Burning off your soul? You'll run out soon enough. JACK: It's worth the cost.

//

And it's not for lack of trying. He tries to make friends and winds up stabbing one of them in the gut. He goes to a hotel in Dodge City, and Hell sweeps in behind him and kills the attendants that had served him, just weeks later.

Hell and Heaven have both been on ass from the moment he was born.

///

But ultimately, he is become like Claire Novak, re: Jody's fears for her in 11x12 Don't You Forget About Me:

JODY: You know I've got nothing against hunting. But if she's hiding in it, because she doesn't have anything else? I'm just - worried about her being so alone. [DEAN nods, looking wistful.]

///

When backed into a corner, Jack bites

Due to the circumstances of his birth, Jack's world is small, and to make matters worse, its members are cursed. Its inhabitants are incredibly vulnerable due to their bondage in service of entertaining cruel, divine entities.

And so, he consumes himself, giving up his ability to love in a desperate attempt to keep everyone safe, greedily herding everyone into his chosen safe harbor.

But as a result, he's damaged irrevocably. In an echo of MoC!Dean, MoL-brainwashed!Mary, demon-blood-infested!Sam, and Godstiel, he risks destroying the very things he'd sacrificed himself to protect. The Ouroboros is the divine consuming the soul.

He becomes the Ouroboros.

hi shal !!! so I was thinking about ouroboros (daily occurrence) and realized that the snake/chicken symbolism for jack destroying his soul could also double as symbolism for his choice to kill Michael. for starters, Cas says the story is meant to be a cautionary tale about greed, before leading into their conversation about dealing with loss; Jack pointedly says he hates to think about losing Sam and Dean, and that having to cope with their eventual loss sounds awful to him. and then it segues into him making the extremely impulsive and dangerous decision to destroy his soul and save them, despite being constantly told of the consequences and risks posed by his soul depleting.

within the episode, the chicken/snake symbolism is framed as — “Is Jack the chicken hard boiling her own egg to save the other ones, or is he the snake eating an egg out of his own nature and hunger and choking on it?” — but I think it can also be interpreted as “Is Jack killing Michael because he wants to save his family, or is he killing Michael because it’s a natural compulsion to kill,” (especially considering that Jack hates Michael with a soul-burning passion).

feel free to let this marinate, I know it’s a lot to drop on you suddenly and I know you’ve got things going on that are far more important! (saw in another ask you’re headed for another surgery, so good luck and good recovery! ཐི❤︎ཋྀ)

Conversations about Loss

I love that conversation between Cas and Jack. When Jack spirals, the 🎶musical track even goes off-key,🎶and it's very unsettling indeed. Jack is tortured by the thought of losing his family. ->"What's the point of being a cosmic being if everyone I care about is just gonna leave?"

Aside// Another interesting facet of that conversation is that, although Cas is gently preparing Jack for the inevitability of loss, he won't even allow himself to go there about Dean, not really. -> "So when Dean wakes up -- and he will wake up -- we just have to remember to appreciate the time that we all have together now."

///

Nature vs Nurture

To your larger point, I think what you're asking is if I think the chicken/egg/snake analogy can be applied to a cosmic thread of Nature Vs Nurture, right?

I think yes.

This is a thread that was introduced with Jack in his very first episodes, with Donatello (13x02):

DONATELLO: Ah. The nature versus nurture conundrum. DONATELLO pats DEAN and SAM’s shoulders.] Oh. Speaking not as a prophet but as a scientist, I don’t think teaching him is in the cards. It’s like asking a lion not to be a lion.

Again, in Meredith's scripted version of the human-angelic divide in Good Intentions (13x14 script only):

AU ZACHARIAH: Jack is the key to the other side. It's just-- humans, have such a primitive response to fear. Maybe he takes after his lesser side--

Again, in Meredith's scripted version of the Cas dialogue in Good Intentions (13x14 script only):

CAS: The only way I was able to outmaneuver him and escape was by trusting my instincts, relying on my angel nature, instead of pretending to be something I'm not…

And then there's Bobby talking about how angels, forces of Nature and emanations of War, are destined to turn on humans (13x14):

BOBBY: Look, Mary, when this all started, when Lucifer and his demon army rose out of Hell, we thought the angels were on our side. But one by one, they turned on us. He will, too. It’s just a matter of time.

///

The hard thing, the ugly thing

I'll add to this later, but I'm specifically thinking about how Cas moves to "do the ugly brutal things, so Sam and Dean don't have to." He consistently positions himself as the one who is more willing to do the necessary evils that even they cannot stomach.

Jack is a step above that, but he too moves to shield. He leans into doing the hard thing, but at the expense of his own self and family life. It's a metaphor for war, and how that sunders you from a life of love and comfort.

We get this echoed at lower levels, too, how Sam and Dean do the "hard thing, the ugly thing," so human civilians don't have to. (I believe it's a quote from Atomic Monsters in season 15, but I don't have that on hand).

They're each on their own level of war within the cosmic hierarchy. (Ordinary life -> Hunting life -> Men of Letters life -> angelic war -> archangels & gods)

///

The nature of the Ouroboros

I think all of these conversations can be applied to the nurture versus nature dilemma, as well as the chicken/egg/snake one.

Jack is characterized by a dualistic nature: he's both predator and prey, angel and human, heavenly and primitive, lion-coded and nurturing. I think he absolutely struggles with simultaneous bloodlust and the need to protect.

The war within leads to this tendency to self-annihilate, I think. He's not just the chicken or just the snake; he's like the ouroboros itself, eating its own tail in perpetuity as a doomed immortal, dying and coming back to life, like a zombie.

I'm reminded, too, that Jack's quintessential fetal episode (12x19) is filled with circle motifs, like Cas using his hand to complete Dean's circle. But Jack is intrinsically a complete circle without any aid from others; he's Heaven and Earth.

I'll ponder on it over the next few days and get back to you, but above are the motifs that come to mind when trying to stitch these two concepts together!

///

addendum:

Greed

PLACEHOLDER from comments @dawg-motif:

oh I also forgot to add, if this was meant to be a story of greed and jack IS meant to embody the greedy snake alongside the chicken, could him destroying his soul to save or “keep” his family be the greed in question?

REFERENCE: The story of the chicken and the snake:

Noah: Have you ever heard the story of the black snake? Once there was a crafty black snake who kept eating this poor chicken's eggs. She couldn't watch them all the time, you see? The black snake would wait until she was gone and then slide one of the eggs into his mouth and crush it in his throat. Now, this went on until there was only one egg left. But when the chicken left that egg, just for a moment, the snake swallowed it up. But for some reason, he couldn't crush it in his throat. The chicken had hard-boiled her final egg just to choke the snake. And the snake died. Castiel: Why are you telling this story? Noah: [ Chuckles ] Because I can't quite tell if he's the chicken or the snake.

///

Jack: What does it mean? Castiel: It's a story about greed mostly. But I guess it's also -- it's also about being willing to give up the thing you love in order to kill the thing you hate. Jack: He said that he didn't know if I was the chicken or the snake. Castiel: Does that -- Dean. (Just then Jack and Cas hear noises and find Dean in Sickbay tearing it apart)

Is the story of the chicken and the snake really about greed, or is it more to do with the specific type of hunger? That is, it could be about the hunger needed to stay alive and keep your loved ones alive, and so it leads to a kind of warped altruism.

Greed is defined as the immoderate love or desire for riches and earthly possessions. A person can also be greedy for fame, attention, power, or anything else that feeds one's selfishness. As a deadly sin, greed is believed to spur other sins and further immoral behavior.

We recall the words Cas has about famine from 5x14:

SAM: I thought famine meant starvation, like as in, you know, food. CASTIEL: Yes. Absolutely. But not just food. I mean, everyone seems to be starving for something--Sex, attention, drugs, love... DEAN: Well, that explains the puppy-lovers that Cupid shot up. CASTIEL: Right. The cherub made them crave love, and then Famine came, and made them rabid for it.

TBD // discussion

[honeyhan-123]

A Slice of Heaven ~ Part Two

Summary: When Jensen stumbles across Melody Meringue on a cam website, he just can’t forget her and his obsession blurs the lines between right and wrong.

Warnings: dark!Jake Jensen, masterbation, camgirl, ice play, unequal power, this is not a healthy cam girl/patron relationship!

Word Count: 2.6k

Notes: I’m so glad y’all have been enjoying this series so far so here’s an update a day early! This is slightly more reader focussed but the next one will be back to Jensen.

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Part One

Your back ached as you climbed up the stairs to your apartment. The temptation to quit your job was stronger than ever but you knew your side hustle couldn’t keep you afloat forever. Eventually you would lose the demure appeal and your patrons would move onto the next young girl. 

Already you felt like you were pushing the boundaries of your age, claiming to be a couple years younger than you really were. It wasn’t a big difference, definitely passable in the sensual lighting of your shows, with your eyes hidden behind a mask but still, you knew it couldn’t last forever. You just had to save up enough so you could have a nice little nest egg for when you had to rely solely on your real job. Not that being a minimum wage sales assistant was much of a “real” job. It definitely wasn’t where you had pictured yourself being back at university. 

Your keys rattled in the door and all you truly wanted to do was crash on the lumpy sofa and binge a few episodes of whatever was on. But no. He had requested another show. 

Normally your side hustle only took up three nights a week but ever since he had become a patron, it was more like five or six nights a week. You had no idea who he even was, only that he went by the username JJrulez and paid well. He was a regular in your normal shows, always tipping generously and had recently become a private viewer too. You always made more money in the group shows, yet with how generous he had been, you felt the need to cater to him when he asked for a private session. He didn’t seem to like the public ones, and some of the comments he had made about how he didn’t want other men seeing you did make you feel a little uneasy, but it was easy to just brush it off. He was just a faceless voice online. 

And really, you did feel a little bad for him. Spending hundreds of dollars on some girl you’d never met seemed pretty pitiful. You couldn’t imagine wasting that kind of money, but at the same time you were glad he was. 

You showered and prepared for tonight’s show. You could never be quite certain what JJ was in the mood for. Sometimes he was forceful in what he wanted, dictating your every move. Other times he was more laid back, happy to watch whatever you had prepared. You hoped tonight was one of the latter types.

You climbed up onto the bed and switched on your webcam. You logged into the private chat and sent him the link and within moments, he joined you in the session. Like always, he didn’t turn on his camera but you knew he was there from the soft breaths that came across the speakers. He always rattled your nerves but you swallowed down your fear as you tried to speak. 

‘Hi baby. how’re you feeling tonight?’ 

‘So much better now that you’re here baby. You were on my mind all day at work.’ You plastered on a smile for the camera despite the pit in your stomach. It was too much. He was too much. 

‘What were you in the mood for tonight?’ 

‘Well tonight I thought we could switch things up a little bit. You have one of those fridges with an ice dispenser don’t you?’ You nodded, unsure of where he was going with this. 

‘That’s good. I want you to go fill up a bowl with some ice for me, honey. And then I want you to come back here as fast as you can.’ 

‘Okay.’ Your voice was more shaky than you really liked but you did what he said and stumbled your way to the kitchen. You felt out of control as you filled the bowl. You had thought that starting a camming business you would be the powerful one but now you felt anything but. 

You climbed back onto the bed and held out the bowl in front of you, ‘is that enough?’ 

‘Yeah honey. That would be plenty. Why don’t you shimmy out of that little set. I want to see those perfect tits.’ You undid the clasp of your bra and the sheer material fell away, before you wiggled out of the matching panties. You could hear him let out a groan at the sight. ‘Now get some of the ice honey. I wanna see you rub it over your body.’ 

The ice was much colder than your heated apartment and it sent a shiver down your spine. He seemed to enjoy your reaction, even more so when you started rubbing the cube along your decolletage. ‘Move it a little slower, draw it out for me.’ You obeyed the voice as always and slowed your movements. It was just like a messed up version of a tease. The ice melted against your skin and you could feel the water cascade down your torso. You’d definitely be wanting a hot shower after this session. 

Eventually the ice reached your nipple and you couldn’t help the gasp. You could hear him chuckle over the speakers. ‘Doesn’t that feel good honey? Do the other one now.’ You reached back into the bowl of ice and grabbed a new cube, starting the process all over again. 

Once both of your nipples were starting to hurt from the cold he finally let you stop. ‘Now I want to see that pretty little pussy.’ His voice was slightly laboured with his heavy breathing but it still yielded far more control than you felt. 

You leaned back on the bed and brought your knees up on either side of you, giving him a clear view of your cunt. ‘That’s good honey. Now get some ice and make that pussy wet.’ Your toes curled and your cunt clenched at the thought of rubbing ice along your lower lips. You’d never done something like this before, and a tiny part of you was interested in giving it a try. 

You took a bracing breath as you reached into the ice bucket once more. You repeated a little tease for him, trying to build up the anticipation. The ice cube danced along your breasts before slowly sliding down your stomach and you heard him let out an appreciative groan as it passed your navel. 

‘That’s it honey. You’re doing so good.’ You could hear movement from his end of the connection and could only imagine he was teasing himself. You had to wonder if he had his own ice bucket beside him. 

Your gut clenched as you trailed the ice along your inner thigh, slowly getting closer to where he wanted it. 

You couldn’t help the squeal when the cube finally came into contact with your lips. The pure coldness was jarring against the heat of your flesh. JJ let out a chuckle at your reaction, his tone hinting of condescension as he teased. ‘Aww honey, does it feel a little weird?’

You couldn’t find your voice through the lump in your throat and the best response you could make was a little whimper and nod of your head. 

‘That’s good honey. This kind of thing is all about the line between pain and pleasure and I bet your pretty little pussy is just so sensitive.’ A chill that had nothing to do with the ice went down your spine at his mention of pain. He’d asked you to do some pretty questionable stuff in your sessions together but you definitely didn’t trust him enough for that kind of thing. 

He must have seen the hesitation on your face as he quickly spilled out ‘don’t worry about the pain honey. I mean, how could I even inflict any on you through a computer?’ His words did little to reassure you but you couldn’t seem to find the word to say what you wanted. Instead, you just plastered on a fake smile and tried to slip back into the Melody Meringue persona that you had almost perfected. 

‘Well, I’m all about pleasure here.’ Your voice was a little too shaky for your comfort but you tried to fake your way through it. 

‘Oh yeah? Am I making you feel good honey?’ 

You faked a breathy moan, ‘yeah baby. So good.’

‘I wanna see your pretty pussy swallow that ice for me.’ Your fingers played with the cube as you tried to slip it into your heat, only to be stopped suddenly. ‘No honey, get a new one. I bet that pussy is so hot and wet, that cube’ll be melted in seconds.’ You followed his instructions once more and whimpered as the cold brushed against your walls. 

The mixture of ice and heat felt strange. A little too strange for you to fully be into it as you felt the cube already start to melt slightly. 

‘Now I wanna see you fuck yourself. Get that dildo, the one you used last time.’ You gulped and reached for the case next to you. The purple silicone one was the biggest of your collection and obviously a favourite of his. You couldn’t understand your patron’s obsessions with your bigger toys. Did they delude themselves into thinking that their cock was just as big as the eight inch monstrosity in your hand? 

You quickly lubed up the silicone, sensing JJ’s impatience and lined it up with your cunt. The ice on its own felt weird enough and you weren’t sure how it would feel mixed with your hole being filled. 

You took a deep breath before slowly sinking down onto the bulbous head. There was the familiar stretch deep inside of you as you pushed the tip past your entrance but it was mixed with the completely new sensation of the ice being pushed even further inside of you. 

‘You’re taking that cock so good honey.’ JJ praised you as the base pressed against your lips, the entire thing finally inside you. ‘Now let me see you fuck it. I wanna see how you ride it. How you’d ride me.’ You tried to hide the grimace at his words. Your patrons said similar things all of the time but there was something so needy and possessive about JJ when he said things like this. It made you want to reiterate the rules with him.

But instead of doing any of that, you just continued to gyrate onto the dildo, doing as he said. The familiar squelch of your pussy taking the cock filled your room and you could hear similar sounds coming over the speaker from him. 

‘God, fuck. Honey…’ He panted as your pace picked up.

‘Yeah baby. Just like that.’ You made your moans even breathier and felt the reliable tug in your gut. You were nearly there, but none of that mattered until he finished. You shifted into a kneeling position once more so you could really ride the dildo like he wanted. Your other hand reached up to play with your tit, pinching and slapping your nipples lightly. ‘Feels so good baby.’ 

‘Yeah you like that. You like that big cock filling you up, poking out from your belly.’ His grunts were so loud you felt like he was right in the room with you as he pleasured himself. 

‘Yes baby. I do. I fucking love it.’ 

‘Course you do. Girls like you are all the same. Desperate for a nice big cock to split them open. I - I can’t wait to -’ His pants were heavy as his voice turned high and slightly whiny. You recognised the familiar pattern and slipped your hand down to your clit, getting ready to cum for him. 

‘Baby, I’m gonna cum. Please let me cum.’ 

‘Yeah honey. Do it. Cum for me. Wanna see you cum.’ You let go, allowing yourself to fall off the edge. Your toes curled and you threw your head back. There was the familiar pulsing sensation in your clit as a spasm of energy travelled through your muscles. Your moans were caught in your throat as you rode out the orgasm. It was your favourite part of your sessions, the only time when you truly felt like yourself. 

You were only slightly aware of JJ’s own orgasm, his whimpers filling your ears as he came, no doubt into a little fleshlight. 

You took your time coming back to reality, enjoying the afterglow of the orgasm too much to let it go just yet. 

When you do finally come around, you stretch out, allowing the thick dildo slip out of your quivering cunt. It sends another small wave of pleasure over you and you can’t help the smile. You slip on the black silk robe that you keep at the end of your bed for easy access like this and reposition yourself once more as you look into the mirror of yourself on the computer screen

His breaths are still heavy so you know he’s still there. ‘How’re you feeling baby?’

‘So good honey. You always make me feel better.’ He praised and you felt a stir in your stomach as a deep part of you preened. This, and your growing student debt was what had attracted you to camming in the first place. 

‘I’m glad you feel better baby.’ You purred and reached for the water bottle by your bed, ready to log off and get some sleep. 

‘Can I book an appointment for tomorrow night?’ 

You tried to bury the laugh that wanted to escape. It was more than just a little pathetic how eager he was but you shouldn’t complain. He had been paying most of your rent for the last few weeks. 

‘I’m sorry baby, but I’ve got a public show tomorrow night. You’re obviously more than welcome to join though if you want to see me again.’ 

‘Well why don’t you just cancel it? We could spend the evening together.’

You bit your cheek as you thought over your words. It was always a tricky negotiation between keeping a private customer happy while maintaining all of your regulars and you needed them more than JJ. ‘It’s my weekly countdown. It’s where I make most of my money. Plus, how would that be fair to my other patrons?’ You tried to remain polite but firm as you denied him. 

There was a slight pause and JJ huffed like a spoiled child. ‘Fine. What about the night after?’ 

Wow, he must really be desperate. 

‘Unfortunately I’m otherwise engaged, I’ve got a personal matter to attend to. I don’t work Sundays either so the next time I can book you in is Monday.’ 

‘Monday?’ You could hear the affront in his tone and could imagine him pursing his lips as he considered the less than favourable outcome. There was a small silence and you weren’t sure how to break it. 

‘Monday is my next free time.’ You tried to gently explain. 

‘Fine.’ He huffed once more. ‘Book me in for Monday. The same time.’ His tone was curt and sharp and you barely had a chance to respond before the connection cut out, leaving you alone in the session. His familiar green blinking light turned grey, then black as he logged out and you hoped that you hadn’t just lost one of your best customers. 

But then again, maybe giving JJ a bit of a berth wouldn’t be a bad idea. You had a feeling he could be a bit obsessive. 

+

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[wu-sisyphus-gang]

Motion Sickness Chapter 60

pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq

I weaved my motorcycle in and out of traffic and past first responders heading the opposite direction, back towards the mine. It was a promising sign, one that we'd gotten away clear. Neo and I were good at making these sort of operations look easy. Almost too easy. That was apart from my encounter with the Turks.

It was hard to be sure what to make of them. Perhaps the Schnee Dust Company's militant arm. They had to have something for a long time considering the White Fang and all. They'd been at war far longer than I'd been alive.

In places the Atlas Military wasn't willing to reach the SDC had to have its own armed forces. That meant armed huntsman. That meant people with semblances like Rosso and Rude.

If I hadn't been along Avalanche would have been picked apart. They were amateurs at best. They had know idea how strong people could really get if they thought a machine gun could honestly keep them safe.

I rolled up on Seventh Heaven and the truck slid into its bay behind me. I wasn't hurt too bad from my scuffle with the Turks. Maybe I was rocking fifty percent aura. Maybe a touch more.

They'd never really solidly gotten me except for when Rosso smacked me on the back of the head with his electric-stick. That had smarted. But I was a tough cookie. I could handle it.

"Wew! We did it!" Wenge cheered. He was solidly high-fived by Jasper. Clap .

She turned to me and lifted a hand and gave me a thumbs-up and a cocky grin.

I kicked out my kickstand. I lifted a leg and smoothly dismounted the bike. Neo slid off the back with me. She'd been covering us from cameras, using her semblance. She was super handy to have around. I wasn't sure where I'd be without her.

I'd probably be majorly worse off, though. Her power had incredible utility. I could see why Roman had picked her up. She was unbelievably useful.

I swung off my bike and made my way up to the bar. I lifted the door open and held it open for Neo. She nodded up at me as she stepped past.

"You were amazing, Cloud! You should have seen him fighting two of the Turks at once!" Jasper exclaimed. She had her own weapon, a machete still strapped to her side. She mimed punching forward one or twice. "You gotta teach me how to fight like that!"

I pulled my pipe out. "That'll cost you," I said around it. "And I'm not sure you can afford it."

I could really use something to take the edge off of my reality.

Neo pulled at my sleeve as the rest of Avalanche filed into the bar. I knew she wanted another one of those overly sweet drinks. She'd earned it so who was I to disparage it.

"Can I get two of those house specials?" I asked Jasper.

"Oh sure. On the house this time. You did such a great job. I don't know where we would be without you."

"You'd be dead," I told her calmly. "Unless...do you know your semblance?"

"I can turn into a sort of cloud of vapor. It helps with get-aways sometimes but it's not exactly combat oriented," Jasper said. She began to shake up my and Neo's drinks. "Wenge's makes him actually bulletproof and Bisque's is technopathy. It helps with computers on missions sometimes. He can hack almost anything."

I thought about Bisque's semblance and a computer in far away Mistral before I shook my head. I couldn't trust them with something like that. I'd have to find another way into that computer, if I ever did. It was entirely possible I'd never ever get into that computer in Merlot's laboratory. I also wasn't sure I wanted to. His little black book had brought me nothing but pain.

I nodded at Jasper. They had nothing that would have kept them safe from Rosso's attacks. Not really. And I still wasn't sure what the other man, Rude, what his semblance was or did.

I exhaled out a long train of smoke and let it wash me over. Getting my blood pumping always countered the effects of the indica. I needed another toke to help me relax now afterwards.

"Yeah, you may have died. Can I get you all to consider another choice of work. I'm not sure you're cut out for this."

"Well we can't all have amazing combat powers like yours. What was that? You almost took down their airship before the fight even started. You two should have seen it!" Jasper told Wenge and Bisque.

"Limit Breaker puts me in an elevated state. And there's a charge I can spend on an attack," I took another long draw off my pipe and blew up towards the ceiling.

"It was amazing. You can fly!"

"A little." I shrugged off her compliment. Ruby could fly too.

"Well next time-"

"Next time?" I asked. "This was a one time gig. You're getting it twisted. I'm not a member of Avalanche. You better have my info. I want to hear about what the General has been working on."

"Oh right," Jasper said. "You want to tell him, Bisque?"

Bisque nodded. I watched him take a seat at the bar and I followed him. Jasper put our drinks on the counter and Neo began chugging away at hers while I remained more reserved and sipped at it.

"Some faunus workers came to us a while ago. The General had been putting 'em to work on the old Colosseum," Bisque began. "Amity Colosseum that is."

"Amity?" I wondered. "Why?"

"That's the kicker. They were hauling long range communication equipment on board and digging up gravity dust. Near as we can tell it's a bid to undo the black-out," Bisque continued.

"He's trying to turn it into some kind of communication satellite," Jasper finished excitedly.

"You're sure? He's trying to use it to get communications back up and running between the kingdoms?" I asked. I looked down at Neo and she met my eye over her red drink. I hoped she didn't spill any of that. It would stain like you wouldn't believe.

This was… it was tentatively good news. Communications between the kingdoms used to rely on the tower's being up and running. All of them. Now that Beacon's was down it had caused a worldwide black-out. A bit of a finicky system if you asked me. Any real robust system needed to be able to withstand some wear and tear. It needed to be able to take assault.

They should have thought of that. They should have been prepared for catastrophe. I always was, though that could have been because I was a walking talking disaster myself.

"That's… pretty good news."

"Not for the faunus working minimum wage on it. It's not a livable amount," Bisque disagreed.

"I meant in the long run for all the kingdoms. We need communication back online, I'm sure even the common person has been hemorrhaging money because of it."

"Not really. Only the rich have been suffering. A common person's toils are the same as ever," Bisque went on. "The poor have been getting trodden on the same as before. With or without global communication. You think a dust miner's life changed much when communication went down? Other than the higher chance of being laid off due to the embargo it's the same as ever."

I grimaced. It could be true. Only the rich had stocks to sell and buy. But there wasn't anything I could do about that. I was only good at cracking skulls open. I couldn't reshape the world's economy. I didn't have the time. I didn't have the strength. I didn't have the money.

"Tell me more about this satellite." I demanded. It was why I was here. Not to worry about the woes of the poor. It was better for me to not think about. Plus I didn't even have free will whereas the poorest dust miner at least had that edge over me.

"Near as we can tell once it's up communication will be reestablished amongst those places that still have a tower. But that won't solve the problem in Vale." Bisque said. "So they must be planning on flying to Vale and getting communication squared away there. It might mean repairing Beacon tower to get everything truly back in working order. From there we'll have a fifth communication tower in the form of the satellite which can go where it needs to in order to keep things running."

I took a drink. So they probably still planned on repairing Beacon Tower. I felt a strong desire to be there for that. Beacon had been my home for longer than anywhere that wasn't a tank of blue liquid.

Which, call me crazy, but I thought that didn't really count.

Beacon had been where I made my friends. It was where JNPR was born. It was where RWBY was born. It was an important place in my heart.

Rebuilding something like  Beacon was real, actual good. Like teaching Peach what little magic I knew had been. That had done me well, too. It reminded me that I didn't have to be a monster.

I stood to leave. Neo rose with me, she slammed back the last of her drink as she did. I left most of mine in the table.

"Cloud… wait." Jasper pleaded. "We're planning on hitting a Schnee company freighter next. Planning on sinking it to drive dust prices back up. People are hurting with the enormous supply and little demand. Will you help us?"

I had a thousand good reasons not to. I looked at the faunus in the eye. My eyes marched between them in turn.

"We promise to share any news we get with you. Any information we learn from our network. We just could use a little more help. If you can't help us, will you teach us some of what you know, at least. We're not asking for much."

I sighed. If I hadn't taught Peach recently my first instinct would be to say no. But teaching Peach had warmed my cold soul. It had been as good for me as it had been for her.

"I'll give you some lessons. The first one is to not attack that freighter. You barely got away with what you did this time."

"We have to do something," Wenge said.

"No you don't. Not before you're ready. You can do more good if you wait. If you're patient. Organizing the people into real workers unions is fantastic. It's doing something. And you don't even need to blow anything up to do it. That's lesson one. Stick to that. I got in too deep and look at where I am now."

"A badass," Jasper interrupted, sounding adamant. "A real huntsman. Look at what you can do."

"You wouldn't be saying that if you knew what I've lost. My friends are dead. My hopes are dead. My dreams are dead. I've got nobody besides Neo, now."

"And she's awesome. She's hot!" Wenge said. "Ow." Bisque hit him.

"Stick to unionizing. At least for now. I'll come by every few days and give you some lessons in fighting. Until you're ready just keep your heads down."

"What if we're never ready," Jasper asked.

"Then you'll still have accomplished something with your unions. That's not bad. It's better than what I can do."

"You can fight though. We can fight. We have semblances," Wenge whined.

"I lost so much to be able to do what I can do. You can barely fight. In a real fight you'd be destroyed. Those Turks would have destroyed you. I'll help you with training and advice. And hell, when you're ready I'll even join you on a mission. But only if you do what I say. Only if you're patient. You all don't have Neo like I do and there are cameras on every corner in this godforsaken city."

"Fine. We'll do it your way, Cloud," Bisque acquiesced.

"I'll be by tomorrow and we'll do some combat training. I'll run you through some stuff I used to run another kid through. I'll show you how to use dust to fight. I'll even do some sparring with you if you think you're up for it." I nodded. I felt Neo's eyes on me. I wasn't sure what she thought of all this. I wasn't sure what she thought about me giving in like this. It wasn't like I was super busy. Now I was just waiting for stones to turn up regarding Cinder and Salem's other agents.

"Thank you Cloud. You're a lifesaver," Jasper said.

I just inclined my head. Neo slammed back the rest of my drink as well, she aptly figured that I wouldn't be taking the rest of it.

I paced out of the bar and to my waiting bike. Neo was waiting just in front of me and not getting on. I straddled the bike and turned to face her.

"I know, I know. We're not getting very much out of it. But we're getting something. And I get to live with myself which is nice."

She hugged me. It came out of nowhere, a sign of real affection for the first time in months. It almost brought me to tears.

"Neo?"

She just shook her head. She eventually released me and looked up at me with pink and brown eyes. I felt her aura, a cruel mellow against my own.

"Been worried about me a little, huh. Sorry. I'm not like Roman though. I'm not all torture and death. I can't do that. I'm not like that. I don't want to be like that. I want to do what I can when I can. And besides they're good contacts. They're union leaders and you like their drinks. Think you can let this one slide?"

She blinked and looked away.

"I wish I knew what you were thinking. I wish that talking to you felt like more than just talking to myself."

She slid on the bike behind me. Her arms once more came right around me. She slid close to me. She was closer than she strictly had to be. It felt… nice.

I embraced the feeling and for the first time, I thought of Neo as a friend. A real friend rather than someone who's goals had happened to have been aligned with mine.

I think… I think she had just been waiting for some sign that I was a person. She was waiting for me to show that I was a human being and not just a monster from Merlot's laboratories. And I'd finally given it to her. So she in turn was showing me her own humanity.

It was a massive comfort and a boon to my soul. I could feel her aura against my own and it didn't feel as cruel anymore. At least not anymore cruel than my own must have felt. It was sort of like if I was running a fever and she was too, and then we touched. She would just feel skin temperature and not feverish. Even though she really was.

My cruelty felt like that. I was cruel and I wondered how long she'd been feeling it against her when we touched. I wondered how long she'd been waiting for me to give her a sign that I wasn't just a murderous animal.

The same way I was looking for more signs that she wasn't just a sadist.  

She'd been waiting months, probably. She was tired. I could feel it through her aura. She wanted to be able to trust me past Cinder and I wanted to be able to trust her that far too.  

"Crime doesn't fill the void."

She squeezed me.

"You're right. Crime is all that matters."

She hit me.

It was unrelentingly tiring having to constantly second guess my actions where Neo was concerned. I was sure she was tired of it too.

I cried a little and wiped my face.

I revved the bike and drove off in the night.  

pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq

-WG

[firepiplup]

How do i say no to people

You know that analogy about people with adhd having spoons for energy management or whatever? My spoons are on backorder from like 2 months ago and more got on that list now

The problem is that all of the things I'm being asked to do are Very Important Things

I have to feed my diabetic cat. This in itself is not a problem, however she's needs to eat at a specific time (12 hour spacing) and my current sleeping situation along with work do not allow this to happen consistently. Currently trying for 7:30, we'll see how it goes

My apartment has bedbugs, and there's no way in fucking hell I'm sleeping on my living room floor until my scumlord landlord actually gets the guy to come back to spray because he did spray but I'm still seeing adults and i "need to give the spray time to work" it's been fucking 2 weeks i don't know how is supposed to work but i feel like after 2 weeks whatever spray you did isn't going to get any stronger i just want to sleep in my own bed it's been like this since fucking March

With that part explained, I'm sleeping at my mom's house on the other side of town. This in itself isn't much of a problem, however as "payment" i have to take care of her dog in the morning, to practice because she's going on a week long vacation in October and none of her dogs can just be taken care of like normal dogs. He needs to wear a diaper to leave the room while i pick up his shit and soiled weewee pad and mop the floor, give him some time to be out of his room, and then feed him his special food mix. The other dog has allergies and probably will get into something he shouldn't, then not use the bathroom outside even though he literally has a doggy door that has constant access to the backyard. Neither dog get along with each other, which is why they are separated. Thank fuck the cat is just normal, this is why i prefer them

Now with THAT explained, it's difficult to take care of my own cat on time in the morning. But as the legendary Billy Mays says: But wait, there's more!

I just got rehired at my job working in a local understaffed pizzeria. My friend, ego also works there, is on vacation (good for her, she deserves it, absolutely no negativity towards her) so i have acquired her hours. So i now work 6 days a week, kinda sorta clopen but i guess it's more of opelose. Or a combination of both? Idk. The point here is, I'm then dealing with essentially running half a restaurant alone 6 days a week, with it not being 7 purely because the owner himself ALSO has the same work schedule as far as I'm aware, and wanted to give himself a day off, and since we are so understaffed it would be impossible unless we literally closed. My tasks include answering the phone, washing dishes, making sandwiches, making dinners, folding pizza boxes, and cleaning the tables/equipment on that side of the restaurant. So essentially everything except making pizzas, cleaning the pizza area, mopping in general, and driving. We generally close at 9, 10 on Friday and Saturday. Guess who was explicitly rehired to close those days? Guess how that's going to work with me having to be home around 7:30 to take care of my own cat? I have no idea either. It's only for about 3 weeks, but my mom, whom i have not asked for any additional help with anything, won't feed the cat while i have work, even though there isn't a guarantee that i can leave on time to THEN RETURN to close, because again I'm the only one on that side of the building. I understand the fear of the bedbugs, so that's probably it, but it still fucking sucks because the kitchen is on the other side of the apartment from the bedroom and there is literally no reason to go there to feed her. But i get it

Did we get to where i can do my own ADLs? Of course not. My neighbor is in the hospital, and her husband is blind. This is a new development that was only discovered an hour before starting this post (about 3:30 am for me). She's ok, it's for mental health reasons, and that's her own business about that. Her husband being blind is not a new development however. And he needs help taking care of the pets, specifically the birds. Which is fine, they just also need to eat on their own schedule. 8am, around lunchtime, and 8pm. Guess who's still at work? One of the birds is special needs because her beak got injured and needs to be essentially spoon fed. Which the blind husband can't do at all. Fairly simple task, but just adding to my obligations that are Very Important because they involve making sure things don't starve to death while my neighbor is in Crisis

Ok let's see, that's 4 Very Important Tasks/Obligations, and only one was originally my own voluntary one. Still not at taking care of myself yet, but i have my shelter, i have my job ("part time" minimum wage, hurray. Part time because even with me being there 6 fucking days a week open to close it still isn't technically enough hours for the state to recognize it as full time), and I'm taking care of *counting* about 8 pets for the next week. Will unemployment give me my money that I've been claiming since March? No? Will they let me claim with my new working hours that makes that while process even harder? Technically but it'll take over an hour for it to process and it doesn't even do that in the end? Well fuck, guess i have to wait to get paid on the books in cash and beg for a hand written paystub and have my hours worked written down. Glad i earned $100 this week, i hope now that my hours have increased i get some more

Next on the list, appointments. Because I'm a dumbass who can't remember shit if it isn't consistently recurring, i overbooked myself for next week. My much needed therapy appointment with my therapist that I've only met once and is the replacement for my much better therapist that i actually had a relationship with is supposed to have a session with me on Tuesday. Will i remember to do it this time? Possibly since i actually remembered it's on Tuesday. Will she send me the reminder text with the zoom link? Probably not. Wednesday, my one day off, thank fuck for that, is the main problem with the scheduling. My med appointment is for 11:30. Cool, can do. Driving lesson at 12. Oh, that's a little close, but i can manage that probably. I only average 1 lesson per year and a half, so it's fine, it's "healthy" to be nervous about operating a death machine powered by explosions. Have to go to social services to pick up, or attempt to, a new food stamps card. They probably close at 5, and add a Non Driver, i need to rely on someone to take me. The sooner the better, but it can't be during the lesson. Don't forget to take care of the creatures before and during all of this.

Ok. Great. There's an hour before work. Time to shower, because it's so fucking hot I'll be sweating like crazy by the time i get around the corner to the pizzeria, with me literally getting out and dressed and then walking out the door. Glad i finally did still to take care of myself. Eating? I might have something i can heat up quickly while the cat eats and so i can take my own meds. Dishes? Those are going to have to wait, i hope the heat wave doesn't get too bad, but it's been like this for a while, still slowly chipping away at them. Sleep? Severe insomnia. I partially blame the bed, my mattress is so comfortable, i hope the bedbugs like it because i can't fucking use it right now. I'd be sleeping so fucking soundly if i were in my own bed, and yet here i am. Maybe i should take the Trazodone now. I just hope I'll wake up on time. Oh look I'm exhausted, can't afford to buy comparatively better prepared coffee from Dunkin, so i guess my shitty at home coffee is going to have to do. Black because i don't have any creamer or milk or lactose free milk in my house. Just the way i hate it. Gonna have to deal with that i guess, maybe I'll learn to like it

The coffee pot lives in my fridge now. I'm worried to put it with the other dishes because if it sits there, not being washed like everything else, then i won't even have the option of coffee. It's just water and ground up beans, I'm sure it's fine

Maybe i can find some kind of coping skill/hobby to help me through my limited me time. Let's see.... I like to crochet, and that helps me get through the dishes by letting me alternate between them and a row/round on one of my many started projects. What? It's in a giant garbage bag with a bedbug treatment stick because of the damn ass bedbugs? Can't open it for at least another week and even then there isn't a place to put the yarn safely? Well fuck. I found that really helpful with keeping me grounded. Umm, well looking online, i should *checks notes* buy new yarn in the meantime and keep it somewhere safe. Uh, well, i can't afford more yarn now and i have nowhere to put it. Videogames it is maybe? Oh fuck now I've hyper focused too long on pokemon, rhythm heaven, and whatever daily games i do, i think i have 5 of those of varying lengths of time spent on them

Did i remember to brush my teeth? No. Do i remember that i should and then when i get out of the shower so i forget to actually execute? Yes. Have i gone insane? Probably

How many spoons is a person supposed to have per day? It takes more for me just to get through the day in general. Why does everyone need me to do their Very Important Tasks? Why is there never anyone else? Can my neighbor just not buy more birds when she gets home from Crisis?

I just want to have good mental health, why is this so hard

[heresathreebee]

Garrote part 3

[Starz Power Diego Jimenez X Jazmine Mann (Black!OC)]

Word Count: 2,700 words

Warning(s): Rated Mature, language, partying, mentions of sex and drugs. Previous Masterlist Next

AN: I am constantly mere clicks away from releasing everything I have at once but I know if I do I will lose momentum for the plot. 

Edit: I. Forgot. The tags again.

@nicke0115 @1zashreena1 @mental-bycatch

The week that followed was heaven and hell. Diego went back to throwing parties nightly, fucking girls coked out of his mind, and in general trying to forgot all about Healy and his pretty bait, but Tommy Eagan was threatening war over a dead partner unless Alicia met his ridiculous demands. Thanks to Tommy's new right hand man, there was an opportunity to gain instead of lose now. All they had to do was wait and see if Dre could pull through. 

There were two new numbers in Diego's phone. One unsaved that sent cryptic messages about their deal, and the other marked as an emoji rather than a name. Jazmine's texts seemed forced– like she was reaching out on behalf of Healy's instructions. So of course Diego elected to simply ignore them both. They were buzzkills anyways. 

Diego was showing something important on his phone to his sister when Jazmine sent another text. 

Remember when you scared off Haagen? I miss that every time I see him. 

On the other end of the line, Jazmine felt pathetic sending the text. Healy hadn't even asked her to write this time, she was just so… bored. She hadn't been sleeping well, pulling double shifts involuntarily since her boss found out she closed the store when her coworker didn't show up. She carried her stress in her shoulders– the tightness in her neck caused her daily migraines and there was a new pinching sensation between her shoulder blades to accompany the rest of her pain. In the shower, she massaged whatever she could reach and thought of Diego's big hands doing it for her. 

She literally shook herself to clear the thought and pelted the shower curtain with water in the process. Diego Jimenez wasn't some faux bad boy with a secret soft side– he was the leader of a cartel. If he hadn't killed people himself, he definitely had people killed for him. He was beyond dangerous to even fantasize about. 

DING-DING. 

Her phone called out to her from the bathroom counter and she realized it was past time to get out. Her fingers were pruned to the point of over-sensitivity and there was a rapidly closing window to apply the leave-in conditioner to the best of its use. Still, she wiped her hands on the towel to read the text. 

Come out and party. Wear something nice. 

Alicia boxed his ear over the last sentence but he brushed her off. Jazmine declined anyways claiming exhaustion and went to bed. There were people to socialize with already– what was the absence of one little minimum wage laborer going to do?  Apparently she was important enough to occupy a corner of Diego's head. He was still bent about the way she had reacted to his identity. Who the hell did she think she was? As they discovered in the ungodly hour after the party ended, she was also important enough to drag Healy out of whatever hole he hid in. 

"Diego, we need to talk." 

Alicia had gone home– Diego expected she would likely never attend another one of her brother's parties as it wasn't her brand of debauchery– and she'd cleared the place out in her disgust, so his penthouse was empty for once. 

"What's the matter," Diego poured himself yet another drink, "am I not being a good boyfriend?" 

"We don't care what you do when you're not operating," Healy reprimanded. "But we need you to cooperate. Be a presence in Jazmine's fake life. You've been established as a rival for her affections, and you need to become an obstacle standing between the bait and the target. Jazmine walks home from work every single morning by herself. I don't know if you noticed it's been pouring buckets for three days straight." 

Healy almost sounded like he was shaming Diego. It wasn't his fault she was poor. She wasn't his real girlfriend and therefore not his real problem. "Please don't make me regret making this deal, Diego. We will never get an opportunity to dismantle Haagen like this again. Need I remind you that you've got a missing child on your hands?" 

Diego glared fiercely over the rim of his cup. Healy smoothed his hands down the front of his shirt and returned to his neutral position as righteous commander. 

"Schedule more time to spend with Jazmine, especially in public spaces. We have it on good authority that Haagen is going to put a detail out to give him updates on Jazmine in the near future, and he needs to see you in these updates." Healy turned on his heel and reached the elevators, stopping them from closing dramatically and fixing Diego with a stare. "And no more ignoring us." 

Jazmine woke up the next morning to one new notification. 

I'm coming over. 

"Oh shit." The woman threw herself out of bed and looked around. This wasn't fair. Cleaning day was a bi monthly ritual where she took a day off to deep clean the entire apartment, blasting music and stepping around her dog to get things done. Hercules wandered into her bedroom looking chipper as ever. "I guess we better get started then, huh?" 

The fucker showed up on her doorstep not ten minutes after she got out of bed– she wasn't even dressed for the day. Her hands nervously tried to cover the broth stain on her jeans as she cleared a space for him to sit and wait while she finished her morning routine. She worried while brushing her teeth that Diego might be a psycho like her last boyfriend. Psycho enough to kick her overly friendly pet, but no sound of yelps filtered through the paper thin walls and when she finally emerged, the pit-bull was settled with her head on his lap. 

Diego turned his head at the sound of a huge sigh. Jazmine was gazing at him but quickly turned when she realized she'd been caught. She began to flit about the room, picking up lost things and piling them up until she could figure out what items went where. He watched, making absolutely no move to help other than keeping the dog out of the way. Hercules– as the tag on her collar read– laid as much in his lap as he would allow. 

"Buena perro," he muttered, and if she still had a tail, she would have wagged it. Growing bored, Diego rose and stalked over to the fridge. "Do you have anything to eat?" 

The white void in the fridge answered for her, but she still called out, "no, it's empty." 

"I'm ordering pizza." 

"What about Chinese?" 

Diego looked at the lonely, days-old Chinese boxes in the fridge and shivered. "I'm getting pizza." She didn't complain. He returned to the couch to do just that. Distractedly, he admired the curve of her spine as she bent over. She wore jeans again and another band shirt, this time it was a baggy Chicago thing. He licked his lips thinking about taking them off her. 

Healy’s meddling had repercussions– mainly that it would made taking girls home harder, or at least less frequent. Diego still felt great suspicion towards this Jazmine, but it didn’t stop his body from wanting her under him. Or over him, on him, riding him… he tried to blink the images out of his head. 

“What kind of dirt does Healy have on you?,” he found himself asking. “My sister and I have been dying to know.” 

Jazmine shrugged, keeping her back to him. “No dirt.” 

“So you’re just helping out of the goodness of your heart?” Pizza arrived in time for her not to answer, and they returned to their positions for further interrogation. “Anything to get that creep Haagen away from you for good? Or are you an agent as well?” 

“No,” she said. She slipped rubber gloves on to begin maintenance on the tower of dishes piled on the side of the sink. She seemed to live alone– there was no reason to have so many dishes. Maybe he had been wrong in his assessment from earlier? Or maybe she was just a hoarder. “To tell you the truth, I’m about as fond of Healy as I am Haagen. I take that back– Healy’s a step up but not by much.” 

“Because you don’t trust him?” 

“I don’t know…” That mountain of plates and glasses seemed to disappear quicker than he expected and she began to scrub out the sink and the cleared counters, grunting with effort as she did so. “I trust I know the kind of man Haagen is, more so than I do with Healy. Partnerships like the one I have with Healy– they’re subject to change, and not always for the better. He’ll always do what’s in his best interest. What’s good for him is good for me.” 

For Now. The implication that she may harbor the same feelings towards Diego was not lost on him. In fact, he stood up from the couch and approached the windows with their blinds down to peek out at the street. There was nothing quite so conspicuous as a black SUV with a mean mugging thug staring back at him. Even his own protection didn’t roll that sloppily. 

Jazmine objected to the windows being opened but Diego insisted. “Need our relationship on display, right? Haagen’s got to know I’m here.” 

She relented quickly and threw her gloves aside, plopping her butt on the couch to rest a moment. The leftovers in the box were room temperature but she hardly seemed to mind. God, he wanted to run his hand up her shirt just to see if she was wearing a bra. They twitched in his lap and he realized there was no way she missed the hunger in his gaze as he did. 

“Did you bring those beers,” she laughed as she noticed the case on the coffee table for the first time. “Can I have one?” 

The beer seemed to quell the tiny tremor in her fingers. She kicked her feet up on the coffee table permitting Diego to do the same. "What the hell are we even doing? Hanging out? What exactly is this accomplishing?" 

Jazmine gave it some thought as she took a pull from her drink. "Putting on a show. We need Haagen to think I'm in love with you, like you're no good but I'm not ready to let you go for something 'better.'" 

"And Haagen is something," Diego put his fingers up like claws, "better." 

"He certainly needs to think he is." She noticed Hercules whining and let her out the door unaccompanied. "We've got his 'gentleman' ego to work with." 

Diego followed her to the window and grasped her hips from behind. She half turned, gazing up at him with a question in her eyes. He leaned into her space to whisper into her ear. 

"Those eyes Healy thinks Haagen sent to watch you? Well they're watching right now, and they're not being subtle about it." 

She doesn't try to look like he expected her to. Instead, she stepped away from him and pointedly crossed her arms. "You don't look very comfortable if you're still wearing that." 

She nodded her head at his coat. 

"So take it off me." 

That startled her. Jazmine's eyebrows lifted, and her feet shuffled when he gave her nothing but a smirk in return. Finally, she did as he suggested. She did not miss the way his hands seemed to brush lightly over her rib cage. These small, fleeting touches that left her breath audible and her stomach warm. He didn't even give her a chance to put the coat on the hangar when he dragged her back against him. 

"What are you doing?" She didn't mean to sound breathless, turning her head to the side and exposing more of her neck at the behest of his pushy nose and allowing him to trail kisses on her skin. 

"Putting on a show," he said against the shell of her ear. 

He felt her stiffen a little against him. The tent on his pants was preventing a lot of important blood from entering his brain, but he was conscience enough to feel how conflicted she was. Diego slipped his hand up her shirt like he wanted, cupping her bare breast and sucking a mark into her neck. She allowed it, but it felt more like compliance than enjoyment. All at once and against the protest of his body, he let her go. He watched her shoulders relax and her hands find a home beneath her armpits. 

Jazmine nodded in answer to a question left unasked. She did grab his hand and pull him away from the window, backwards into the tiny hall separating the front room from the bedroom and bathroom. She dropped his hand as soon as they were out of sight of the window. 

"I appreciate the enthusiasm," she said. "Just hang out for twenty more minutes and you can leave. I'll text you tomorrow and we can makes plans for another 'show.' You can stay in my room while I clean the bathroom." 

Diego sat heavily on her bed. Just as he was about to get comfortable, someone knocked at the front door. Jazmine brushed invisible dirt from her knees as she got up to see who it was. He followed from a distance. The peep hole was almost out of her reach, but she stood on her toes to see outside. Suddenly, the woman looked back at him with wide eyes. It's Haagen, she mouthed. As soon as her head was turned to the task of confronting him, she missed the part where Diego began to undress. 

"Hey!" She flung the door open and yelped when Hercules barreled through her legs to get inside. "You... found my dog!" 

"Indeed," Haagen said, folding his hands over his heart. "I saw this poor creature wandering and I returned him using the address on its collar. I am astounded to learn that he belongs to you." Nice cover story. The man continued, "since you have the day off, I was wondering–" 

Haagen's wondering was cut off by the appearance of a half naked boyfriend. Diego wound his arm around Jazmine and leaned down so he could engulf her clothed nipple with his hot mouth. She gasped, pushing his head away on instinct and he pressed her into his side like a vice. 

"Come back to bed, baby," he purred, then pretended to take notice of Haagen watching in the doorway. "Oh, you're that guy, right? James, Jeff, Jebediah or whatever." 

"Jeremy," the man hissed through his teeth. "Hello Di-e-go." 

"Right right right." An embarrassed Jazmine buried her face into Diego's nude shoulder, acting unconsciously but playing into her role perfectly. "Kinda crazy how I start hearing about you and then all of a sudden you're showing up on my girl's doorstep, isn't it?" 

Haagen made a move to defend himself but Jazmine was quicker. "He found the dog, honey! Jeremy was just bringing her home, he didn't know I lived here." 

"Right," Haagen cleared this throat. 

Diego's smile bordered on a threatening mania-- there were far too many teeth displayed to suggest any sort of friendliness. "Life is so full of strange coincidences…" 

No one missed the way he squeezed Jazmine harder. It sent a message to be sure. Vague enough for Haagen to infer whatever he deemed necessary to the story in his head. It was quite brilliant actually. 

"Well I ought to," Haagen swallowed, "leave you to it then. I'll see you around the shop, then?" 

"Bye–" she barely managed to say before Diego dragged her into the apartment and slammed the door shut. He kept dragging her all the way back to her bedroom, and all the while she protested being treated like a misbehaving child. It wasn't until he'd slammed the door and collected his shirt from the floor that she realized what exactly had transpired. 

"Oh." She brushed the frizzing curls invading her eyes, "oh that was perfect. Healy was right to pick you." 

Diego rolled his shoulders once his shirt was tucked back into place. "Come over tonight. I'll text you my address and we can capitalize on this. Wear something nice." 

She was about to protest his leaving but realized it wouldn't matter. If Haagen expected a fight from the noises he'd heard, he would probably just assume it had ended quickly if he saw Diego storm out alone. He crafted his own version of events. She let the pieces fall where they lie and made arrangements to meet Diego tonight. 

[scoopsohboi]

shut up! i like her

Pairing: steve harrington/henderson!reader

W/C: 1642

Summary: you’re walking around starcourt and decide to grab ice cream. you see steve for the first time since high school and he’s changed a lot since then. 

-more steve readers-

-st readers-

Steve ran his fingers through his hair. He’d been off his game for a while, since Nancy really, and it was starting to take a toll on him. He used the same charm and smile he did in high school, the ones that crowned him king of Hawkins High, but he’d changed so much since then that it felt flat. He couldn’t play the part of popular guy now that school was over, and since his life had turned Upside Down, he wasn’t much of a panty chaser. Or dropper evidently. Robin smiled from the ice cream shop window as she revealed her newest tally against him on her precious whiteboard where she catalogued his flirting failures. At least someone’s having a good time, he thought with a sigh.

Robin straightened up a little then, hiding the board quickly as she looked over Steve’s shoulder. “Show time, Romeo,” she said and Steve bit back a snarky retort as he spun around, preparing to strike out once again. No performance this time. Steve was going to be real for once. The king routine was getting him nowhere and he was exhausted of the role.

You were lazily walking through the mall, talking advantage of the air-conditioning and spending the afternoon window shopping. You didn’t have too many friends in Hawkins, even though you’d lived there your whole life. Your best friend moved away after high school graduation to go to college in Texas and you had to stoop so low as to ask your little brother to hang out. You loved Dustin, but he wasn’t exactly someone to talk to about girl stuff or anything ‘R’ rated. You felt extra deflated when even he was too busy for you, always away at friends’ houses and sneaking out at night. You missed having fun. Now the only times you got out was when you went to work at Chuck E. Cheese or to the grocery store with your mom.

As you reached the food court, you caught eye of an ice cream shop and your stomach growled a little. It was such a hot day, your mouth practically watered at the thought of a cone with a scoop of your favorite. As you approached the counter you noticed the face of a girl you went to high school with, Robin, poking out from a back service window. You smiled and raised one of your hands in a wave, but you couldn’t help the look of confusion you had when your brain registered the boy who stood just behind the counter.

“Steve?” you asked, not really believing that Steve Harrington would work at a Scoops Ahoy inside of Starcourt- or anywhere for that matter. His family was rich; he lived in one of the biggest homes in the neighborhood. You couldn’t understand why he would subject himself to wearing a sailor costume and slinging ice cream, with a dorky hat no less. You were shocked he wasn’t worried about his precious hair getting ruined.

“Oh, uh- hey, Y/N,” Steve said, a blush appearing on his cheeks.

“Ahoy…captain,” you smirked, half convinced you were at home asleep having a really wild dream. Steve’s face turned redder and you felt a little bad for embarrassing him. “Since when do you work here?” you asked, trying to redirect the conversation a little.

“Summer job,” he shrugged. “I’m trying to save up for college.”

“Really? You?” you asked, still shocked.

“Yeah,” he said, looking down as he rubbed the back of his neck nervously. “Basketball didn’t work as planned- didn’t get any sports scholarships. Dad’s not exactly thrilled, so if I want to go to college now I have to pay for it.” You blinked in surprise. You didn’t expect Steve to tell you all that. You two weren’t friends in school, but you were more than just classmates. You’d gone to some of Harrington’s wild parties and even shared a round of 7 Minutes in Heaven together in seventh grade at Carol’s thirteenth birthday party. But at the end of the day he’d been prom king and you were just a girl who didn’t care about labels.

“Damn,” you began, feeling more guilty about poking fun at him. “That’s rough. I’m sorry, Steve.” He smiled, though his eyes didn’t. He was playing a part again. Always Steve the cool guy.

“It’s alright. Gives me time to figure out what the fuck I want to do with my life.” Or maybe not? This was definitely not the Steve you went to school with. Since when was he into having an actual conversation? Usually Harrington just dished out flattery at the hopes of a date, or more if he was lucky.

You’d seen a few rare glimpses of the real Steve, though, whether he remembered or not. Three separate instances where Steve had been very drunk, the two of you had wandered off somewhere private, and he’d been very honest with you. He would talk about how much he hated Tommy and Carol. How his dad would always put him down for his grades. How people never really wanted to know the real him. It never lasted, though. Someone would always be looking for King Steve and he’d jump back up, walls in place cemented with a stupid drunken grin to remain life of the party. Anything to make people happy. “What about you?” he asked, breaking your train of thought.

“Huh?” You had completely forgotten what you two had been talking about, mind a few years in the past. “Oh, same, actually. I’m kind of losing my mind a little bit,” you said easily with a smile. “But hey, animatronic rats really help with the anxiety.” Steve laughed at that, a real, hearty laugh that you couldn’t help but join in a little.

“Jesus, that’s right, I forgot you work at Chuck E. Cheese.”

“What? How did you know?” You’d only been working there for two months and you’d been going out of your way to make sure no one saw you there. Ever. Labels aside, you didn’t need everyone to know you were serving pizza to sobbing children for less than minimum wage. Steve’s ears turned red.

“I’ve seen you there.” Your eyes widened a little as you waited for him to elaborate. “I was driving by one day about a month ago and I saw you walking in wearing the red vest.”

“Lovely,” you muttered under your breath, slightly mortified that you’d been caught. Steve leaned coolly against the counter and you couldn’t help but notice the change in proximity.

“Nah, it wasn’t that bad. Way better than this,” he said, gesturing to his own ensemble. You bit your lip to try and hide the big smile that grew on your lips. Dammit if this new Steve wasn’t doing something to you. You knew he’d become friends with Dustin over the past couple months, but other than a quick greeting as Dustin jumped into Steve’s car before the two drove off for sometimes more than a day, you hadn’t gotten the opportunity to really talk to the guy. He seemed like he’d matured a lot, though, and it looked damn good on him.

“I don’t know,” you said, crossing your arms over your chest and taking him in for a moment. “I think the hat really brings it all together.” Steve smirked and cocked an eyebrow, clearly in the mood to play along.

“I know, right? Let’s just say, we’re not famous for the ice cream. They come for it, but that’s not why they stick around,” he adds with a wink.

“Wow,” you breathed. Now that sounded more like the Steve you remembered, though you could tell his words held none of their old weight. He looked clearly amused, enjoying messing around with you and waiting to hear what you’d say next. God, he was adorable. “Is that on the secret menu I don’t know about?” You asked, glancing around the room as if looking for a poster when your eyes found an elderly woman in the corner who looked like she was about to fall asleep in her banana split. “I think you rocked her world a little too much.”

Steve broke with a laugh that lit up his whole face, hair swaying into his eyes before he combed it back with his hand. “Couldn’t handle the U.S.S. Butterscotch,” he said and you raised a brow at him.

“Is that what you call it?”

“Trust me, babe, it’s an ocean of flavor,” he added. You leaned your elbow onto the counter, face inches from Steve’s. His gaze darted to your lips so fast you almost thought you’d imagined it, but his tongue darted out to wet his own as eyes fixed onto yours.

“Well, then, I gotta try it.”

“How about tonight?” he asked seriously, voice soft and gentle- hopeful. You found yourself nodding before you even registered what was happening. Steve smiled.

“Yeah, I’d like that.”

“Y/N??” a familiar voice called from behind and you looked over your shoulder to see Dustin making his way to the counter. “What are you doing here?” You shrugged, looking back at Steve as Dustin reached you.

“Just talking to Steve,” you responded nonchalantly. Dustin eyed suspiciously at you before turning his gaze to Steve. His eyes narrowed as he continued to switch back and forth between you two before finally settling on Steve. Steve looked at Dustin like he was crazy before lightly shoving the kid’s shoulder.

“Stop staring at me, weirdo.”

“You didn’t,” was all Dustin said, stumbling slightly. Steve still kept the same look on his face, but it didn’t remain for long under Dustin’s intensity. Steve cracked as Dustin let out a loud groan in protest. “Gross, dude, that’s my sister! What the hell?”

“Shut up! I like her!”

[mrlnsfrt]

Use it or Lose it

This is my third post in the Waiting, Watching, Ready series. We began with Matthew 24:36-51 (The Faithful Servant), then we studied Matthew 25:1-13 (Character is not Transferrable) and have now arrived at Matthew 25:14. In this portion of the Bible Jesus is teaching His followers about His second coming. Here’s what we have learned so far:

The first parable taught us that the second coming of Jesus will be unexpected. Matthew 24:42-44 (The Faithful Servant)

The second parable taught us that we have to be more than merely passively waiting. We have responsibilities, things to do as we wait for Jesus to come again. Matthew 24:45-51

In the study of the third parable, we learned that we must be prepared for an unexpected delay. Matthew 25:1-13. (Character is not Transferrable)

The fourth parable goes beyond the first three (Matthew 24:42–25:13) in that “it expects the watchfulness of the servants to manifest itself during the master’s absence, not only in preparedness and performance of duty, even if there is a long delay, but in an improvement of the allotted “talents” till the day of reckoning.” (Carson, D. A. (1984). Matthew. In F. E. Gaebelein (Ed.), The Expositor’s Bible Commentary: Matthew, Mark, Luke (Vol. 8, p. 515). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House.)

In the parable of the talents, Jesus showed us what it means to watch for His coming. “The time is to be spent, not in idle waiting, but in diligent working.” (White, E. G. (1900). Christ’s Object Lessons (p. 325). Review and Herald Publishing Association.)

The kingdom of heaven is like…

“For the kingdom of heaven is like a man traveling to a far country, who called his own servants and delivered his goods to them. And to one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one, to each according to his own ability; and immediately he went on a journey. - Matthew 25:14-15 NKJV

The man traveling into a far country represents Christ, who, when speaking this parable, was soon to depart from this earth to heaven. The “servants”, or slaves, of the parable, represent the followers of Christ.

As we get ready to dive into this parable, it is worth keeping in mind that according to 1 Corinthians 6:20, we are not our own, since we have been “bought with a price.” And 1 Peter 1:18, 19 adds that we were redeemed not “with corruptible things, as silver and gold, … but with the precious blood of Christ.” The conclusion then is that we who live, should live no longer for ourselves, but for Him who died for us and rose again. 2 Corinthians 5:15

All of humanity has been bought with this infinite price. We are also called to do service for Him who gave all for us. This parable teaches us that we will be required to render an account of how willing we are to do the work which Christ called us to do at the great judgment day. We have been redeemed for service, to live as Christ lived. Jesus showed us by how He lived His life that ministry is the true object of life. Just like Jesus, we are to live a life of service to God and our fellow human beings. As we minister to others we are brought into a closer connection to Christ, we better understand His heart. What an incredible privilege to co-operate with Jesus for the salvation of souls!

Talents

In New Testament times a talanton (“talent”) was a unit of exchange and estimates of its value very enormously for several reasons. A talent could be of gold, silver, or copper, and each has its own value. Also, the weight could vary from 58lbs to 80lbs (26Kg - 36Kg). You could try to calculate the value by weight and metallic value, but inflation makes this quite inaccurate. A talent could also be a unit of coinage, one common value assigned it being six thousand denarii. (The Expositor’s Bible Commentary: Matthew, Mark, Luke (Vol. 8, p. 516) Matthew 20:2, John 12:5 refer to a denarius as a day’s wage, so if we could say that one talent is roughly the equivalent of 6,000 days’ wages. There are 261 working days in 2021 and if I divide 6,000 by 261 I get roughly 23. So, one talent is about 23 years’ worth of income. If someone is making $7.25 an hour (federal minimum wage in the US) and working full time (40 hours per week) this person would make $15,080 per year. Multiply that by 23 and you get $346,840. If someone was to give you that much money, could you think of some ways to make that money work for you? What I want you to understand is that even one talent is worth quite a bit!

It is also worth noting that the Master is trusting his servants with a great deal of responsibility, essentially making them partners, giving them the opportunity to invest, grow, and develop. These servants are receiving capital and creative freedom.

In the parable, the master gives his servants an amount of money. But how can we make a practical application from that if Jesus never walked up to us and handed us a bag with hundreds of thousands of dollars? A traditional approach that I believe is very valid and works well is to look at what God gives us. Besides salvation and eternal life, God also gives us things that we can use in our lives here on earth. The Bible describes these as gifts of the Spirit.

To better understand this let’s take a look at 1 Corinthians 12 where Paul talks about the gifts and blessings given to us by the Holy Spirit.

for to one is given the word of wisdom through the Spirit, to another the word of knowledge through the same Spirit, to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healings by the same Spirit, to another the working of miracles, to another prophecy, to another discerning of spirits, to another different kinds of tongues, to another the interpretation of tongues. But one and the same Spirit works all these things, distributing to each one individually as He wills. - 1 Corinthians 12:8–11 NKJV

We do not all receive the same gifts, but to every servant of the Master some gift of the Spirit is promised.

Though Jesus had promised the outpouring of the Holy Spirit to His disciples (John 20:22, Luke 24:49), it was not until after His ascension was the gift received in its fullness. And it was not until the disciples had surrendered themselves fully through faith and prayer that they received the outpouring of the Spirit.

“When He ascended on high, He led captivity captive, And gave gifts to men.” - Ephesians 4:8b NKV

The gifts are already ours in Christ, but their actual possession depends upon our reception of the Spirit of God. God is willing to give us the gifts, are we willing to accept them? Do we surrender to Him and pray for the outpouring of the Holy Spirit?

“The promise of the Spirit is not appreciated as it should be. Its fulfillment is not realized as it might be. It is the absence of the Spirit that makes the gospel ministry so powerless. Learning, talents, eloquence, every natural or acquired endowment, may be possessed; but without the presence of the Spirit of God, no heart will be touched, no sinner be won to Christ. On the other hand, if they are connected with Christ, if the gifts of the Spirit are theirs, the poorest and most ignorant of His disciples will have a power that will tell upon hearts. God makes them the channel for the outworking of the highest influence in the universe.” - Christ’s Object Lessons p328

What are my talents?

At this point, you might be wondering what are your talents. I have often wondered what my talents are. I have taken many inventories to help me discover my talents or gifts. I have discovered that my talents or gifts tend to change with the stages of my life and the current needs, in other words, my talents seem to change depending on my environment. I have not experienced complete changes but rather shifts in how I apply what God has given me to help His kingdom grow.

I would like to encourage you to not only think about talents as special gifts given by the Holy Spirit. Many of you might be tempted to feel as I often have, that I don’t have any special gifts or talents. I would rather encourage you to think about your natural, acquired, or spiritual gifts and abilities. In other words, as we become disciples of Jesus we offer ourselves to Him and that includes all that we are and have. The way I imagine it in my head is that I give God all my abilities and He takes them, purifies them, multiplies them, and returns them to me ennobled so that they may be used for His glory in blessing people within my sphere of influence.

Stop comparing yourself with others.

Could it be that part of the reason that the servant buried his one talent is that he resented the others for receiving more talents? Maybe he thought it was not fair that the Master gave him only one talent. We don’t know the answer to this, but I have met people who refuse to do anything just because they do not have the talents that others around them have.

And to one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one, to each according to his own ability; and immediately he went on a journey. - Matthew 25:15 NKJV (bold mine)

Each man and woman receives from God according to their ability. If you struggle with using one talent for God, do you really think it would be easier if you had more talents? First, put to work what you have. In the parable, both the servant who received five and the one who received two talents receive the same words of affirmation. It is not a race or a comparison, rather each servant who puts what the master gave her to work receives a reward. All you have to do is use what you have for the honor and glory of God. Don’t worry about how many talents someone else has, or how gifted some people are, you just focus on being faithful with what God has given you, and He has given each of us something.

Instead of concerning yourself with how much you have received, it is far more beneficial to concern yourself with what you are doing with what you have.

Goal, Purpose, Meaning

2020 was a very challenging year, and 2021 will likely be full of changes and challenges. So what do we do? We can complain about how things are, how different life is, and all the new challenges we are facing. Suddenly we are having to learn new skills and adapt. I would say most of us have been thrust out of our comfort zones and had to re-analyze how we will go about life this year. I have a few notions that have helped center me whenever I feel the tendency to spin out of control, to get discouraged, or to lose sight of the main goal or purpose for living. So here are a few statements that help center me:

The development of all my abilities is the first duty I owe to God and to those around me.

If I am not growing daily in capability and usefulness then I am not fulfilling the purpose of my life.

I should cultivate every faculty to the highest degree of perfection, that I may do the greatest amount of good of which I am capable. 

I am not perfect, but perfection is my goal. I think this way because it keeps me humble, it keeps me relying on God, it keeps me hungry for opportunities to learn and grow in every area of life. The growth that I seek is not humanly attainable, so I have to rely on God, and God gets the glory for all the success in my life.

Never should we lower the standard of righteousness in order to accommodate inherited or cultivated tendencies to wrong-doing. - Christ’s Object Lessons p330

Another reason that I personally aim for perfection is that to lower the standard would mean there are some sins that I want to bring to heaven with me. I am not trying to save myself by good works or to become sinless through self-discipline. I simply confess and turn to Jesus for help as I become aware of things in my life that are not as they should be. I imagine I will be on this journey my whole life, and I am okay with that. I am saved by grace through faith. I aim for perfection so that I can better serve those around me. It is for the sake of the mission.

I find that my greatest struggle is to completely surrender my will to God. I am still practicing and learning how to do this. I find that I have the greatest victories and joy when I surrender to Christ, I have also discovered that I don’t always stay surrendered. It is a daily routine, and some days it feels more difficult than others.

Shoot for the moon!

According to this parable, it is possible to multiply that which God has given you. So think through this with me.

Do you think that God wants to use you to bless those around you (Genesis 12:2)?

Do you think that God wants to fill you with His Holy Spirit (Luke 11:13)?

Do you think that God wants to save others and is willing to use you in the process (Matthew 28:19-20)?

Now imagine yourself going through life accomplishing very little, and the only reason is that you only dared to try very few things. Imagine the only reason why you haven’t accomplished more being that you have not prayerfully tried to do more. You simply settled assuming this was all there was to life.

In the parable, the Master gives the talents, but the workers decide what they will do with their master’s resources. The way I see this is that God can give you all you need to succeed, but you can decide to just bury what He gave you.

How can you reach higher than what you aim for? You can’t. So aim high. You will find that in ministry, and oftentimes in life as well, barriers that you overcome give you the courage to keep going. They help you grow and develop and grow stronger. But you will never know that you are capable of doing for the honor and glory of God from your comfort zone. You have to step out and prayerfully move forward according to God’s plan for your life.

Choose Love over Fear

We have all made mistakes. I know I have made plenty. However, do not allow past mistakes to prevent you from trying new things. Look at past mistakes and regard them as warning signs. This way your previous mistakes and defeats pave the way for your future victories. This is how we disappoint Satan and honor Jesus. Instead of being afraid of making mistakes, decide to do what you love, what Love calls you to do. You will likely make more mistakes in your journey, but it is part of the journey, it keeps us humble and leaning on God.

The Secret to Success

“I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing. - John 15:5 NKJV

Imagine wanting to do something that God wants you to do. Something that God has called you to do. Do you think that God would enable you to accomplish it? Would you agree that God enables you to do that which He has called you to do?

And God is able to make all grace abound toward you, that you, always having all sufficiency in all things, may have an abundance for every good work. - 2 Corinthians 9:8 NKJV

Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen. - Ephesians 3:20-21 NKJV

Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” Amen. - Matthew 28:19-20 NKJV

Jesus Himself is the answer to all our needs and to our success in ministry. When we turn to Him He supplies all our needs and enables us to do that which He has called us to do. It is Jesus who gives us success. I find that ministry keeps me dependent on Jesus, ministering to others reminds me of my great need of Jesus.

The Master Returns

After a long time the lord of those servants came and settled accounts with them. - Matthew 25:19 NKJV

One day we will face Jesus and give an account of how we lived our lives and how we used the His resources that he lent to us. I don’t mean to scare anyone, however, if it would be dishonest of me to skip over this portion of the story.

“So he who had received five talents came and brought five other talents, saying, ‘Lord, you delivered to me five talents; look, I have gained five more talents besides them.’ His lord said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant; you were faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things. Enter into the joy of your lord.’ - Matthew 25:20-21 NKJV

The servant with the most talents invested them and doubled what his master had originally given him. The master is happy and rewards him with more responsibilities and access to the joy of his lord.

He also who had received two talents came and said, ‘Lord, you delivered to me two talents; look, I have gained two more talents besides them.’ His lord said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant; you have been faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things. Enter into the joy of your lord.’ - Matthew 25:22-23 NKJV

The servant who had two talents also doubled what his master had given him. Even though in the end he only had four talents, not even the same amount the first servant started off, he hears the same words of approval as the servant who had 10 talents for the master.

So far we have seen that the master has rewarded each servant for being faithful to what he was given. The servants were not compared to each other. Each servant worked with what he had received and gained more and the master was pleased with them. From this, we learn that any work done for God with a full surrender of self is as acceptable to Him as the highest service. No offering is small that is given from the bottom of our heart with honesty and joy.

The Wicked and Lazy Servant

“Then he who had received the one talent came and said, ‘Lord, I knew you to be a hard man, reaping where you have not sown, and gathering where you have not scattered seed. And I was afraid, and went and hid your talent in the ground. Look, there you have what is yours.’ - Matthew 25:24-25 NKJV

The servant who had received one talent did nothing with it and blamed his lord for his behavior. He viewed his lord as a hard man and he froze in fear, perhaps in fear of doing something wrong. Some people try to motivate others into involvement in ministry out of fear, but I do not think that is a healthy approach. I really hope this post does not have that effect. I want you to be excited about doing your best for your Master, and not terrified of His judgment.

Judgment

To be clear, all the servants had to face judgment. All servants were given resources and all servants had a say in what they would ultimately do with what they were given. Two servants invested what their lord gave them and one servant decided to bury what his lord had given him.

“But his lord answered and said to him, ‘You wicked and lazy servant, you knew that I reap where I have not sown, and gather where I have not scattered seed. So you ought to have deposited my money with the bankers, and at my coming I would have received back my own with interest. So take the talent from him, and give it to him who has ten talents.

‘For to everyone who has, more will be given, and he will have abundance; but from him who does not have, even what he has will be taken away. And cast the unprofitable servant into the outer darkness. There will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.’ - Matthew 25:26-30 NKJV (bold mine)

The lord describes this servant as wicked, lazy, and unprofitable. Turns out the whole fear thing was an excuse for a servant who deep inside really was not interested in putting his talent to work for his lord. The servant was not only wicked, but he was also lazy and that made him unprofitable. This servant was not invited “into the joy of [his] lord.”

What this servant overlooks is his responsibility to his master and his obligation to discharge his assigned duties. His failure betrays his lack of love for his master, which he masks by blaming his master and excusing himself. Only the wicked servant blames his master. “The foolish virgins failed from thinking their part too easy; the wicked servant fails from thinking his too hard” (Alf). Grace never condones irresponsibility; even those given less are obligated to use and develop what they have. - Carson, D. A. (1984). Matthew. In F. E. Gaebelein (Ed.), The Expositor’s Bible Commentary: Matthew, Mark, Luke (Vol. 8, p. 517). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House. (bold mine)

It is also interesting to note what Jesus said in Luke 16

He who is faithful in what is least is faithful also in much; and he who is unjust in what is least is unjust also in much. - Luke 16:10 NKJV

I believe it is safe to assume that the servant who received one talent, would also have failed to multiply five talents if he had received them. How we do small things is how we do everything. The importance of the little things is often underrated because they are small, but they supply much of the actual discipline of life. There are really no nonessentials in the Christian’s life. Our character building will be full of danger while we underrate the importance of the little things.

Conclusion

Studying the parable of the talents we have learned that talents used are talents multiplied. We also noticed that success is not the result of chance or of destiny; it is the outworking of God’s own providence, the reward of faith and responsibility, of character and persevering effort.

Jesus desires us to use every gift we have; and if we do this, we will have greater gifts to use. God does not supernaturally endow us with the qualifications we lack; but while we use that which we have, He will work with us to increase and strengthen every ability.

While we yield ourselves as instruments for the Holy Spirit’s working, the grace of God works in us to deny old inclinations, to overcome powerful propensities, and to form new habits. As we cherish and obey the promptings of the Spirit, our hearts are enlarged to receive more and more of His power, and to do more and better work. Dormant energies are aroused, and palsied faculties receive new life. - Christ’s Object Lessons (p. 354)

It does not matter how small you think your talent is, God has a place for it. Your one talent, wisely used, will accomplish its appointed work. By faithfulness in little duties, we can work on the plan of addition, and God will work for us on the plan of multiplication. These littles will become the most precious influences in His work. Stop waiting for some big work to satisfy your personal ambition, and start being faithful in the small things in your life. We do not get to choose our talents. God often uses the humblest instrument to do the greatest work, His power is revealed in human weakness.

But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty; and the base things of the world and the things which are despised God has chosen, and the things which are not, to bring to nothing the things that are, - 1 Corinthians 1:27-28 NKJV

Whatever our work may be, we can honor God by doing it well, wholeheartedly, and cheerfully. However, when we fail to use our talents when we bury what God gave us, we lose it. Just like other things in our life, things that go neglected and unused for a long time weaken and decay. Idleness leads to death, not only physically but also spiritually.

When we employ the gifts God has given us to bless others, our gifts increase. However, when we shut up our gifts and only use them in a self-serving way, they diminish and are finally eliminated. 

God has given you gifts, and it is up to you whether you will use them to bless those around you and bring honor and glory to God, or whether you will busy the and lose them.

The choice is yours.

Choose wisely.

[probableelf]

Detroit recap 3/8/20

Ok, I promised a couple people a concert review for last night so here goes. Set list, pictures, a couple of videos, and whatever my sleep-deprived brain can remember under the cut.

We (me and @clarwyn​ and our cousin) got there about an hour ahead of doors, and there were only a couple people outside, which was surprising until we got to the front door and found that they were actually lining people up inside, which was nice! Turned out there was about one full row of people in front of us and we ended up in the second row, dead center. Really, really cool spot—I think closer would have just been harder to see the whole stage.

They are still using the Gypsy intro, which has good energy to it to walk (or run, if you’re Marty) out to. The first song was Dead, which kind of tickles me for some reason. Like ‘Here’s an introduction of what we’re *really* about, folks.’ Then we got the self-titled track, and warmed up our dance moves with Twisting (I can still twist.) We Want a Rock was the first song that hit me hard as a ‘everybody is singing this and I’m singing it and they’re watching me sing it and it’s both weird and good’ moment. I get a lot of those in the second row, apparently.

They took a talking break and, as usual, were very, very funny. I’m going to get these out of order but I think this was where Flans asked Linnell if he’d been out and done anything that day, and Linnell said he’d basically just napped because it had been a long drive from Chicago. He was happy that he had coffee, which he’d made with a paper towel instead of a filter but it was not bad.  Flans said he’d been out sleeping in public places, and then stressed that he was not a heroin addict. Linnell agreed that they were not heroin addicts but pointed out that “only heroin addicts have to say that. Thank you for coming to our intervention.”

More Flood tracks next, I thought they followed the feel of the album really closely on Minimum Wage (kind of amazing for a sample-based track). Hearing Aid got some excellent Kaoss Pad action as I recall. All very cool. Particle Man got the Main Squeeze pulled out, of course, and they are using the Sun Ra breakdown (“Triangle Man take off for the planet... Venus!”) and making a proper deal about it; Curt gets to stretch out a little on that one and it’s fun.

Here’s the video I took for StillooB, complete with intro banter: pardon my inability to hold still for this song (I was kind of trying to sing quietly along, in the hopes that there would be a contingent of us in the front who know at least some of the words, because I think that could be as funny for them as the song is to us; luckily my singing isn’t audible on the video!)

Letterbox was next and that I sang as gustily as I could, even though those are very hard lyrics to keep up with. Somewhere around then I experienced the Linnell Stare (TM) complete with grin aimed at my section of the audience and my second-row concert-going experience was fully complete. Gaaaaah.

EDIT 2: I’m not sure anymore which song they introduced this way, but judging from the setlist is was probably Lucky Ball and Chain; they told us they hardly ever did fadeouts on their albums, and in fact originally could have practically defined themselves as “the band that doesn’t do fadeouts”; however this song would have one.  Flans then told us he had heard a supercut of the endings of AC/DC songs, who also evidently didn’t do fadeouts; he then proceeded to show us on guitar how all the songs ended: *bam. Bam, bam. BAM.*  I looked this up and it sounds exactly how he played it:

https://dangerousminds.net/comments/how_should_we_end_this_hilarious_supercut_of_ac_dc_song_endings

After playing Lucky Ball and Chain, Flans admitted that he couldn’t remember what was next in the set, and while he went over to the music stand on stage right to check, Linnell said it started with a buzzer sound, and also that it was off of Flood (which was obvious, as they were playing a Flood-only set). Clarwyn and I had different but related experiences here, which I shall relate: I heard somebody quietly call out “Hot Cha”, and I was feeling bold enough so I shouted it quite a bit louder. Unbeknownst to me, she had also shouted something, which she told me after was “That narrows it down!” Flans, having checked his set list, returned to the front of the stage and pointed in our direction, saying something like “Oh, hey, talkative girl! I see they let you go out!” I am pretty sure I turned beet-red while frantically looking around me, absolutely sure he meant me (and hoping he didn’t, like, somehow recognize me as the social-media-happy over-submitter-to-their-tumblr I am!) She says she thought he meant her, though. After a couple seconds Flans apologized with a “don’t worry, that was a joke!” and they proceeded to play Hot Cha. It took me the length of that song to stop feeling totally embarrassed, but I managed to get over it by dancing and singing along to everything.

They finished out Flood (except Istanbul), and Birdhouse followed by Road Movie was a good ending, with the added middle verse in Road Movie that nobody seems to know yet (I couldn’t remember it even though I’ve heard it), and then the Flood set was over.  Flans informed us they were going to take a 15 minute break for the next 45 minutes (it was actually about 20).

Set two started as a quiet storm trio set, starting with Music Jail (very nice on acoustic guitar and accordion, plus Marty on the electronic kit). Apparently Flans has been writing “2018” on the set lists to mean 2082, which makes me laugh. (Also the song makes me laugh!) I think this was the one where Marty drummed on Flans’ guitar in a number of key measures with his mallets, and Flans said it was the first time they’d done that live, and it absolutely killed me, especially when Flans accidentally moved to far away and Marty had to really reach. Flans said people might not want to do that with their expensive guitars, and Linnell replied they might not want to do it with their expensive mallets.

EDIT: They introduced 2082 (I think it was this one) with a little segue about how they had tested the song in front of test audiences and found out that people like hyper-violent songs.  They also played Wicked Little Critta in this set and Linnell went back to the Kaoss Pad and keyboard for that, of course. He’s either getting pretty amazingly good at pitch on the Kaoss, or else he’s found a way to modulate the pitch through the keyboard at the same time, vocoder-style (I’m pretty sure I saw him doing the latter).

The crew struck the stage after the quiet storm to the tune of the Underwater Woman music video, which always kinda chokes me up. Ugh, those lyrics. And that bass line.

Further continuing my tendency to be a little choked up in the second set, they came back and played Wearing a Raincoat (!) next which I have never heard live before and which I have connected to on a personal level since I first heard it, for reasons. Oh man.

After that, more new and not-quite-new high energy songs followed and I danced my little feet off to Communists and waved my arms to increasing speed to Damn Good Times and sang my heart out to New York City even though I have never been there.

Curt Ramm played as good an Istanbul intro as I have heard before and we all tried very hard to scream at the right spots. I noticed he wiggles his eyebrows really hard when he’s trying to get us to do that. The Theme from Flood ended the set, which they informed us they had just learned was the optimal length for washing your hands. Flans thanked us for being a good audience, telling us that audiences that weren’t as fun were, in fact, less fun.

EDIT: No issues with the new Arturia MIDI controller, that I saw. Apparently the kinks have been worked out!  Linnell did brag about his new keyboard stand, which he said he got because people had been asking him how long he was going to keep using the old keyboard stand, so he got a new one that looks just like the old one (same color blue, at least, and still looks like a desk!)  He joked that he was storing his sandwiches in it.

They left the stage and we all set about clapping very hard to request an encore. After the usual length of time they came back, and we must have been clapping particularly hard at that point because Flans stopped us and informed us that the whole wait offstage during clapping was a bit of theater that they had instituted long ago so they would not look too nervous by running offstage and then right back on stage, admitting that of course they were nervous so it was all just theater anyway. “But that’s the nature of theater.” He also said something like “we’re asking you to give us something that isn’t actually good for us” which was a very humanizing take on the nature of applause and the performance/audience relationship, I thought.

I approximately died and went to Heaven when they brought out Fingertips for encore #1, and I managed to pull myself together in time to capture it on slightly less mobile video:

EDIT 3: I get no end of amusement watching the security guard’s face in that video, he does NOT look like he understands what he is listening to at all.

This was followed by Doctor Worm which is so. Good. Live.

They went offstage again, we clapped them back on, and Linnell asked “was that the full sixty seconds?” Then they played End of the Tour, which I got very choked up in, under what felt like some particularly intense Linnell-Staring, and which I was sure was the end of the show.

It wasn’t! They followed it with The Guitar, which is my absolute favorite thing to see live, period. Only one very tiny keyboard-playing hop from Linnell, like he tried it and decided it was rather too energetic a move at that time of night, but still fantastic. I did not take the same approach and dug for my reserves of bouncing energy for that song, because it was totally worth it.

Clarwyn got a set list from Marty, we grabbed a late fast food supper at McDonalds, got a bit turned around by our GPS and then drove our very long drive home.

Here is Clarwyn’s set list:

[illegiblewords]

8|

HEY GUYS.

GUYS.

THEY’RE ALL LITERALLY ANGELS.

WINGS INCLUDED.

I’ve mentioned in passing before that the Amaurotines were basically angels, but shit man the Ascians are actually fallen angels.

And like, I stumbled into the Elidibus shot but his wings are made of Zodiark my dudes.

Oh shit.

And not just fucking that.

Time to look back at the lyrics to Shadowbringers.

Some quick disclaimers! 1) There will be bits of this where I just go idk. Because sometimes idk lol. 2) I am 10000% sure that this song has layers similar to how Tomorrow and Tomorrow has layers. Tomorrow and Tomorrow I’ve heard people speculate it could be the people of the alternate Source future or the Amaurotines, and if it is the Amaurotines whether it’s directed at the Warrior or Hades or both is also up in the air. So while there is the very, very literal reading where it’s like yes this is the First and the first arc and focused all about things that happened in the First’s plot, I think the secondary meaning might seriously apply to the overarching patch arc/Ascians as a whole. 3) Pls don’t be afraid to challenge me on shit lol I just found this and am flying by the seat of my pants.

For whom weeps the storm, Her tears on our skin The days of our years gone, Our souls soaked in sin These memories ache with the weight of tomorrow

“For whom weeps the storm/her tears on our skin” honestly the most significant point posed imo outside of nice imagery is that the question needs to be asked. Could be either or both, respecting WoL and co. versus the Ascians/dead Amaurot. “The days of our years gone/our souls soaked in sin” again, could be either side here. Depends on what further gets revealed about the fourteenth member of the Convocation and the summoning of Hydaelyn probably, but I think it’s fair to say both sides got stained in shitloads of blood. “These memories ache with the weight of tomorrow” not only is the history painful, having to keep moving forward and figure out some kind of future in light of it just makes it more painful. Also a note, a few other peeps online noted that Emet-Selch reacted insanely strong/negatively when Urianger and Y’shtola commented on his future. And just as another thread, I want to highlight that the Ascians for a good chunk of their appearances talked about things being foretold.

Who fights? Who flies? Who falls?

FALLEN ANGEL MOTIFS. COULD BE WARRIOR. COULD BE ASCIANS. COULD BE BOTH. AGAIN, QUESTION GOTTA BE ASKED BECAUSE BOTH SIDES GONNA HAVE BLOOD ON THEIR HANDS.

One brings shadow, one brings light Two-toned echoes tumbling through time Threescore wasted, ten cast aside Four-fold knowing, no end in sight One brings shadow, one brings light One dark future no one survives On their shadows, away we fly

First two lines are relatively straightforward imo, WoL versus Ascians there. It could be Emet-Selch versus WoL specifically but honestly I’m unsure. Tbh it could be fellow summoners along with WoL versus Ascians or it could be one person versus one person. “Threescore wasted, ten cast aside” IT TOOK ME. A GOOD WHILE. TO FIGURE THIS OUT. There’s a saying “threescore and ten” that existed historically. Threescore is sixty. Ten is... ten. But basically, back in the day seventy years was the generally accepted average livespan for a human being. Threescore wasted = sixty years of a seventy year lifespan in vain, ten cast aside = ten years of a seventy year lifespan. “Fourfold knowing” I think has a double meaning within too. First, there’s an idea in Buddhism called the Fourfold Round that I think is precisely what this is referencing. These come out to direct knowledge of feeling, direct knowledge of perception, direct knowledge of fabrications, and direct knowledge of consciousness. Given these, I suspect that at minimum by the end of patch 5 the three Unsundered Ascians and the Warrior of Light will all fit into roles within this, and we’ll probably be able to tell which is which. Personally I’m leaning toward WoL being direct knowledge of consciousness because especially when you factor in the Echo that gets pretty wild. An additional level though, four in East Asia is commonly associated with death. So no end in sight coming right after FOURfold seems like it’s missing some foreshadowing of the end. Possibly.

The road that we walk Is lost in the flood Here proud angels bathe in Their wages of blood At this, the world's end, do we cast off tomorrow

AMAUROT IS UNDERWATER IN THE TEMPEST. SHIT’S FLOODED. ASCIANS ARE PROUD ANGELS BATHING IN WAGES OF BLOOD. EITHER THE SHARDS + SOURCE GOTTA END TO REGAIN THE ORIGINAL WORLD OR THE ORIGINAL WORLD HAS TO END TO MAINTAIN THE SHARDS + SOURCE. And casting off tomorrow, if we jump up to previous lyrics about memories aching with the weight of tomorrow--I think this foreshadows being liberated from pain of past and future both to continue living in the present. Again, could be wrong about how that gets interpreted, but I do think a link is there. Also I mean the world is ending, that’s the point you no longer have to worry about what comes next. There is no next.

One brings shadow, one brings light To this riddle all souls are tied Brief our moments, brazen and bright Forged in fury, tempered in ice Hindmost devils, early to rise Sing come twilight, sleep when they die Heaven's banquet leavened with lies Sating honor, envy, and pride One brings shadow, one brings light Run from the light

First two lines, everyone who exists is gonna tie into the tragedy of how the shards + Source came to be and the conflict between WoL and co. versus Ascians. “Brief our moments" through “tempered in ice” I think is referring to the whole strength born from limitations and facing negative emotions/obstacles rather than avoiding them. Hindmost devils means the devils farthest back are the first to rise, which could be WoL or Ascians depending on reading. If it’s the Ascians and they’re taken as fallen angels I mean devils are fallen angels. But that also mixes metaphors given proud angels earlier. If mixed metaphors are a non-issue though, “Hindmost devils” through “sleep when they die” would more or less translate to the oldest devils are the first to act and seize power. They celebrate the coming of night and do not sleep. “Heaven’s banquet” through “pride” again, disclaimer mixed metaphor going on but I think it might be neat if it is WoL and co. or more specifically Hydaelyn. I don’t think it strictly comes to Heaven/Heroes = evil but that Heaven has hidden corruption that makes people feel better about themselves but is kind of ugly. Then again, all of this could probably be flipped too. This section is tricky. But if run from the light = Hydaelyn that shit’s gonna be fascinating. Also, I do think Zenos whether he just attempts or succeeds in nabbing one of the big two primals is actually gonna go for Hydaelyn. Lots of reasons for this including “she won the first time” and “Zenos dun give af about creation” and “she’s right there whereas Zodiark is super scattered” and “Zenos is basically an opposite to Emet-Selch philosophically and might work as another way of exploring negative light connotations”. But run from the light would be reaaaaal interesting if that goes down.

Authors of our fates Orchestrate our fall from grace Poorest players on the stage Our defiance drives us straight to the edge A reflection in the glass Recollections of our past Swift as darkness, cold as ash Far beyond this dream of paradise lost

“Authors of our fates/Orchestrate our fall from grace” the characters involved created the primals themselves, in so doing being the authors of their fates and damning themselves when shit went out of control. Could precede that too and be broadened to other circumstances probably. I do think it is gonna come up that all the bad shit that happened stemmed from choices made though. “Poorest players on the stage/Our defiance drives us straight to the edge” references some Shakespeare. This being “Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player/That struts and frets his hour upon the stage/And then is heard no more. It is a tale/Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury/Signifying nothing.” Shakespeare bit is saying that life is brief and ultimately not real/an act where everyone worries during the brief span of the story but all too fast it’s over. There’s a ton of passion but ultimately it’s small and petty and meaningless. If we link this back to poorest players on the stage and the defiance, it is basically challenging the idea of a brief life being meaningless. So would apply more to the mortal characters. “Reflection in the glass” I thiiiink might reference the idea of real identity versus not real but idek. “Recollections of our past/Swift as darkness, cold as ash/Far beyond this dream of paradise lost” these lines are prob linked as a trio far as I can tell. Memory comes fast as darkness/the coming of night (tying back to sing come twilight maybe? also the end of the world as it is), cold as ash refers to the dead of Amaurot probably. And I’m not positive on that juxtaposition with paradise lost, but it may be suggesting that the dream of perfection rings hollow and there’s a reason that what is now being remembered as paradise is long dead.

Home Riding home Dying hope Hold onto hope... Ohhh... Home Riding home Home, riding home Hope, finding hope... Ohhh...

Shits both WoL and Ascians here.

One brings shadow, one brings light One more chapter we've yet to write Want for nothing, nothing denied Wand'ring ended, futures aligned One brings shadow, one brings light One brings shadow, one brings light You are the light

One more chapter = gotta get closure for Amaurot and the Ascians. “Want for nothing, nothing denied/Wand’ring ended, futures aligned” this took me a bit, and it feels like possibly a reach imo, but my guess for now is: Emet-Selch was talking before about maybe there being a way forward without so much bloodshed. I still think guy’s gonna come back as a clone and I think/hope that we can fuckin’ trust recruit him (”I may even lend you my knowledge and strength” I AM HOLDING YOU TO THAT EMET-SELCH IF I HAVE TO BEAT MY ENEMIES TO DEATH WITH YOUR CORPSE) and find some kind of middle ground that doesn’t just = fuck Amaurot and destroy Zodiark. That would feel too simple to me. I kind of think some sort of rejoining will need to happen... but not simply Zodiark rejoining into a giant monster primal. I think Hydaelyn and Zodiark gotta become one being.

Also. If that is the case Lahabrea better have some fucking good notes to justify that dumb attempt to fuse with Igeyorhm in a first-time aether experiment while fighting the Warrior of Light. Because then it would be more cool even if the timing was still terrible life choices.

But yeah I think that’s gonna tie into futures aligned stuff.

We fall We fall We fall We fall unto the end

One world's end

Our world's end

Our end

We won't end

I am shadow, I am the light

This bit’s p. straightforward lol.

But yeah I am still super jazzed about this feel free to challenge my readings! I think stuff is there, just dunno if what I found correctly identifies the stuff lol.

[spinningintheshadows]

Song Lyric Prompts Vol 1

There is a playlist of these songs in order here

1. “Drive this car through the drive thru please”

2. “Dirty laundry looks good on you”

3. “Where’s the dotted line at?”

4. “Are there windows in heaven?”

5. “Bought you a twelve pack, promised you sushi”

6. “I want to take you to a gay bar”

7. “I’m in love with the girl I hate”

8. “It’s been a while since I’ve felt butterflies”

9. “One day you’ll know who you want to be”

10. “You ain’t nothing but a prick”

11. “You’re not in love with me”

12. “I wanna kiss you every minute, every hour, every day”

13. “On second thought, forget it, that one turns out kind of cool”

14. “Honey, I’ve got real bad news”

15. “I heard that rock is dead and cellphones give you cancer”

16. “It will be worth it, everything you went through”

17. “They’ve never drove through Indiana”

18. “You’re my song, my sweet home Alabama”

19. “You’ve got so many options, every fish in the sea wants to kiss you”

20. “Relationships, I don’t know why, they never work out and they make you cry but the guy who says goodbye to you is out of his mind”

21. “My family is dysfunctional but we have a good time killing each other”

22. “I fell in love in the back of a cop car”

23. “You don’t have to worry”

24. “I’m still having nightmares”

25. “I flashback to the night in your parents yard when we drank too much and we talked about God”

26. “We’re gonna make it if takes all night”

27. “She’s my kind of crazy”

28. “Who says you can’t go home?”

29. “Fist fights turn into sex, I wonder what comes next?”

30. “If I were a boomerang, I’d turn around and come back to you”

31. “It’ll still be two days till I say I’m sorry”

32. “Remember when you broke your foot jumping out the second floor?”

33. “There’s room for two, six feet under the stars”

34. “Oh god, I did the wrong thing to the right girl”

35. “When it comes to condoms, put two on”

36. “I won’t give up on us”

37. “I’m a bit too pop for punk kids, but I’m too punk for the pop kids”

38. “We don’t have trouble sleeping”

39. “Daddy’s little girl knows how to party”

40. “A days worth of bitching goes down the drain when you lay in my bed and pick my brain.

41. “Wrong name, my mistake”

42. “Being us feels good to us”

43. “It’s not high school, man, you graduated six years ago”

44. “A few drinks in, here I go missing you again”

45. “There’s something about the way our bedsheets turn religion upside down”

46. “And I’ve made mistakes, but you were not one”

47. “I swear to god, I never fall in love”

48. “I miss the way you breathe, the way you twitch in your sleep. Your smile, your straight teeth and the scars along on your cheeks”

49. “When you talk, its in cursive to me. And it’s nicer than anything I’d ever believe about me”

50. “I don’t mind if you fuck up my life”

51. “Make a man feel rich on minimum wage”

52. “You broke my heart and all I got was this t shirt”

53. “You ask “When did I first know?” I always knew”

54. “You’re kind of hipster, I grew up on punk rock”

55. “Made a rebel of a careless man’s careful daughter”

56. “And all my friends don’t give a fuck”

57. “We’ll talk about how your parents separated and how you don’t want to make the same mistakes as them”

58. “Is it really your anxiety that stops you from giving me everything?”

59. “Leave your sorrys, grab your car keys.”

60. “I’d unfuck you if I could”

61. “You say you love me, I know you love me. Love that you love me, baby”

62. “I lose my voice when I look at you, can’t make a noise though I’m trying to”

63. “Now with my eyes wide open, it’s heaven in your arms”

64. “I know that you’re in pain but if we die at the same time does it still scare you?”

65. “I can make you laugh ‘til you cry, but she can make your tears dry”

66. “I hope a heart only breaks this bad once in a lifetime”

67. “I didn't call you back because I was learning to dance”

68. “Sometimes I just want to tell you about my day”

69. “Yes my fucking nails are painted, what you think I didn’t know?”

70. “Mama tried to raise me right, but she couldn’t raise the hell out of me”

71. “Dancing in the dark ‘til the sun comes, tangled in the sheets ‘til the days done”

72. “I take a drink ‘cause the truth is hard to swallow”

73. “Big heads up, that’s a really stupid plan”

74. “We used to kiss all night, now it’s just a bar fight”

75. “What’s the point of going out when you could just give me a call”

76. “I didn’t know I was broken until I wanted to change”

77. “We have something worth remembering”

78. “I fell in love with the girl at the rock show”

79. “And I just can’t stop thinking of you, wherever you are”

80. “I never wanna leave this sunset town.”

[bathunterofdevon]

Update

So I might as well give some commentary on my cryptic last post. Basically, I have had to fly back to the UK immediately due to the coronavirus - cutting my Canada trip short. I have had a wonderful time living and working in Collingwood, Ontario, and I made plenty of good friends. But after getting laid off, due to the place closing down, and being unable to pay the rent, I was actually pretty lucky to get back here when I did. I have heard stories of family friends being stranded in many far away places unable to get back, due to airport closures.  I am a little upset that I had to leave Canada - there was so much I wanted to do there. But in all honesty, working the minimum wage job I had, much though I enjoyed it, I never would have been in any position to do anything else beyond that point. It sure is expensive being an immigrant. When I came over to Canada, I have over £3,000 in life savings that I had stashed away. But in the very first month, I lost all of it; just by looking for a place to live. (This was when I was in Toronto). Toronto is a pretty expensive place to live. It's so expensive - I swear there is a tax on the oxygen you breathe over there. I worked a shitty job over there for the first three months, as a server... except, not quite. What I did was basically like serving food, except I only did menial tasks that that were beneath the main service staff, like cleaning tables, and the floor. I didn't even get to collect tip money. And three months later, I was suddenly fired for some minor indiscretion. I won't talk about it here, because I'm a little worried that if I tell you, you might not take my side.  But basically, if you have a job in Canada (and I found this out the hard way) for the first three months, you are on a kind of probationary period. You can be terminated immediately during that time with no notice whatsoever. That devastated me more than a little, because I had never been fired before. It ate into my psyche and made me wonder if I would ever really amount to anything, and whether I would have to give up and fly back early.  Fortunately, after that, it turned out that I had a contact, who was a friend of a friend of my mother, who worked further up north, in this little resort by the Blue Mountain Ski Range, in Collingwood, Ontario, who managed to get me a referral for working at the front desk over there. I did a FaceTime interview, and accepted the position.  Working at the resort was wonderful. Not only did I get given accommodation, but I had staff lunches, and basically all of my immediate needs were seen to. Best of all, my staff accommodation was ten times better than the last place, where I lived. I had a room all to myself, with a desk and everything. I had the resources and time schedule I needed to work on my Youtube videos all the while I was having off time from working at the front desk. After 11 whole months, I finally finished Dirty Danganronpa, while out there and breathed a sigh of relief. That sure took a lot of energy out of me.  I had some troublesome flatmates though. I say troublesome, because they were difficult and unreasonable at times. They could be really unreasonable when it came to cleaning the dishes... and I later discovered that they were not equally unreasonable when it was THEIR turn to clean up after themselves. While I was initially friendly towards them, in the months gone by, I was avoid them as much as possible, because it was tricky talking to them. It was for the best that we became isolated from each other. They were nice to me at times, and I was grateful for their company at times - but their moods were often unpredictable and transient, which made me feel unsafe and unsure as to whether I could trust them.  The whole time, I reflected on my status as a foreigner, and how much more useful it would be if I had a skill of some kind, and if only I had finished my driving test before I came there. Thinking about my real life situation was enough to drive me into a deep despair and self-pitying fest that would leave me feeling too exhausted and miserable to produce anything. But it wasn't all bad. I still have some positive memories of that place. I did leave a good lasting impression with my employer. And while I did eventually lose my job, unlike last time this one was not my own fault. Everybody was getting laid off, left, right and centre. And the resort itself, incidentally has closed down indefinitely. It is astonishing how far-reaching the effects of the virus have proved. I never would have predicted this level of hysteria before - I'm old enough to remember the Bird Flu, the Swine Flu, the Zika Virus, and Ebola... all I remember of those, was nothing more than there being a huge media craze; even some Youtube stars talking about them, besides a couple hundred thousands of deaths too far away for any of us to know or care.  But... this was different. To be honest, though it may sound heartless of me to say this, part of me is actually excited at all the chaos that's happening. The world is in full-blown panic mode. And now government and health ministers are advising everyone to self-isolate. I just want to let these government officials and everybody else know, that I had been self-isolating long before it was fashionable. Else I would not have found the time to make these.  Anyway, the day finally came when we all heard the announcement - the owner of the resort was laying off virtually everyone in the housekeeping/maintenance/front desk department, and we were being faced with a choice - either I would have to work in a different (less glamorous) department, like maintenance, or cleaning, or I would choose voluntary redundancy, and claim unemployment benefits. For me, it was a no brainer. I don't have the brain, nor the mentality to do menial, repetitive tasks like painting, and cleaning. In spite of the fact that I have worked for years in MacDonalds, and in restaurants doing tasks like that. But considering everything that was going on, I had a chat with my Mum and Dad, and they insisted that I fly back home as quickly as possible. I was reluctant to do so at first. I didn't want to throw away everything for which I'd worked so hard to achieve. It was meaningful that I was living entirely by my own means, and providing for myself. I basically wasn't a kid anymore. And I didn't want to put an abrupt end to that. But then, everything changed. Dominic Raab (The UK Government's Foreign Secretary) basically told all Brits abroad to return home as soon as possible. By then, I figured I ought to get back as soon as possible, so that I didn't end up stranded with nowhere to live.  Officially, the UK is under lockdown due to the virus. But honestly, based on what I've seen, it does not feel like we are under a lockdown at all. Most of the local shops down my road are still open. Even some of the restaurants are still open - except they only do takeouts instead. I have not seen any police roadblocks, nor checkpoints of any kind.  In fact, I've seen quite a few people out cycling, walking their dogs, basically just life as normal. I have to wonder how they are going to enforce this lockdown, seeing as so many people are ignoring it? Not like I care either way. If we are officially under lockdown, then I have a better reason to stay indoors, and work more on my computer. :D  Now, it is estimated that we will remain under lockdown for approximately 3 months - although I don't know the actual figure. Everybody fails at predicting the future. What am I going to do in that three months time? Well, the only thing I can do at this point. If there are things that my Canada trip have taught me, it's that I have a Creative disease. I have to find ways to satisfy my urges and channel my creative instincts effectively. One of those channels is through this - my Youtube Channel. But there are three others.  Another one for me is voice acting. I've mentioned earlier that I have another account where I take part in voice acting, except I'm not sure if I'm ready to introduce you to my real voice and real self yet. The third one is music. Not a lot of you may know this, but I actually have a background in music. My grandmother on my mother's side was a concert pianist (Just like another girl we all know, hmmm?) I am also an alumnus of the Academy of Contemporary Music, in Guildford, Surrey, UK. There are three videos dated about 5-7 years ago on this channel which I had to make private, because they all feature me, singing and playing guitar in them. One of them is me playing a guitar cover of the Hollyoaks Theme Tune (God - what a loser I was. So desperate for validation I would actually cover the Hollyoaks Theme tune) I don't even like Hollyoaks. I hate it with a burning passion - like every other Godawful soap opera on British Television. In fact, TV in general is just so depression and despair inducing that I refuse to watch it. Anime/Video games and Music is my escape from all that. I despise pretty much anything that depicts the real world in a realistic life setting.    But to give you an idea of what else I sometimes do in my time, there is an old video - 6 years old - of a remix I did of the Allegro Cross Examination theme tune for Ace Attorney, which I made on Garageband. I make quite a lot of music using Garageband. Music is actually an even bigger part of me, than Danganronpa is - well in any case, it goes back way further than my interest in Danganronpa, that's for certain. At some point, maybe when I reach a certain point in terms of how many subscribers I have, I would love to introduce you all to my real self. It would be a rewarding experience to have all of you get to know me, and all of my facets. ...Oh, and before we all forget: 

Happy Kayay-day, everybody! Let's all give a show of appreciation to Best Girl, and wish her love and happiness in Heaven. Happy Birthday, Kaede Akamatsu. - Bat Hunter

[peerless-soshi]

Moshang and 24/86 for the ask? Or 4/75 maybe

Rules: Send me two (2) tropes from this list + a ship and I’ll describe how I’d combine them in the same story.

Coffee Shop AU + Bed Sharing  

Most accidents occur at home. Or work, if you’re like Shang Qinghua and basically reside there.

Normally, he would be angry with his unlucky life, minimum working wage and hands trembling like a blender, but today it was all good since a certain customer visited the coffee shop and sat by the table to the right of him. Shang Qinghua looked away and swallowed a little too loud. It was almost suspicious how empty the coffee shop was, despite it being the Sunday evening. His heart raced, playing noiseless music and drowning out chill radio noises. He just hoped the customer didn’t hear it.

This particular customer’s name was Mobei Jun - Shang Qinghua spotted it entirely by chance on his credit card - and caught the waiter’s eye three months ago, when in the middle of winter he had ordered an ice cream as cold as his blue eyes. Back then, Shang Qinghua had spent way too much time daydreaming about his lips, a bit dirty from whipped cream, which resulted in spilling coffee on another customer and working after-hours. As if he didn’t live in this shop anyway. Shang Qinghua was ashamed only because Mobei Jun had looked at him like he was a clumsy snail falling off the wall, which was almost fair. And yet, from that day he was buying their coffee every weekend…

“You know, give me that already,” Mobei Jun growled under his breath.

Shang Qinghua jumped at it. He didn’t even noticed when Mobei Jun walked to the counter! Wondering what it would be like to drink this coffee together, preferably with just one straw, turned out to be a much more fun activity. He sighed as his gaze drifted down. A creamy snowflake he was trying to draw ended up as a milky pile of melted snow… How embarrassing. Though his client looked like a person who would just stir it at once.

Mobei Jun pointed to the cup. “Pathetic.”

“What?” Shang Qinghua snapped back, his tone resembling that of a child yelling about little scolding. “It’s just a small accident! Actually, I’m really good at making tea, fine?”

His knowledge on the secrets of barista’s work was pretty limited, but it didn’t mean he had to admit it here and now. What’s more, his tea was indeed good.

Mobei Jun’s eyebrow rushed up, and his lips twitched in a way that could be seen as a half smile. “If you say so….”

Maybe good appearance didn’t go hand in hand with a good character. Maybe Shang Qinghua should care more about such details. Maybe. But now, he just winced and walked past Mobei Jun, ready to save his wretched waiter honor.

As it turned our, serving coffee with grace was much easier in movies.

The problem was that Shang Qinghua didn’t even perceive what happened; one moment he was holding his head high, and then found himself on the floor, pitch black of coffee with no milk surrounding him. He groaned pitifully.

“Hey!”

No answer.

“You! Wake up. Now.”

With difficulty, Shang Qinghua opened his eyes and met Mobei Jun’s icy stare. The man was leaning over him with an inscrutable expression. Shang Qinghua’s head hurt, his back as well, and it sucked, but hey! At least he got the very awesome view!

“What’s going on?” he murmured, noting with surprise that his cheeks were on fire. Perhaps blood rushed to his head; a side effect of the fall.

“You slipped on some coffee. How have you even survived here?” Mobei Jun answered, helping him sit. Immediately, colorful butterflies flied before Shang Qinghua‘s eyes and burst into a rainbow mirage. He laid down again, through the floor was not comfortable enough to spend the night on.

“I’m tougher than I look,” he finally said with a faint smile that Mobei Jun didn’t return.

“Are you dizzy?” he asked in return, “or are you nauseous?”

Shang Qinghua shook his head, and the wave of sickness hit him like the floor. The only thing that could make this worse was actually puking on a customer’s shoes. Still, he would rather be caught dead. Heavens, let him die.

“It can be a concussion. Don’t die on the street,” Mobei Jun said, as if reading his mind.

“No worries. There’s a mattress in the back room, I’ll just stay here. I’d miss my last bus anyway.”

“You sleep here?” Mobei Jun repeated in disbelief.

“It’s close to work,” Shang Qinghua said and laughed to himself. It was painfully humiliating anyway - at least he could be cool about it.

What he would never imagine was Mobei Jun, still cold and serious, picking him up and moving to the store room. And carefully placing him on the old, stinky mattress with protruding spring. No chance in hell he would imagine something so surreal, so weird and beautiful.

“What? What are you… sir?”  Shang Qinghua said, getting red like a brick wall and making it all more awkward.

“I’m giving you first aid,” Mobei Jun answered.

Sure, just like that. As if every second weekendhe was carrying in his arms half-awake strangers. But maybe that’s what he did. Who knew? Of all people, Shang Qinghua was not going to complain, instead grasping this fleeting moment like a silly butterfly caught in a spider web.

“Then let me make you a thank-you-coffee, sir!”

“I don’t want it.” Mobei Jun shook his head, and looking right at him added, “But ice cream is fine.”

Hard to say if this was good or bad that Shang Qinghua spent his entire night locked from the inside in the coffee shop, eating frigid desserts with a person he knew nothing about. But in his eyes there were few chances worth the risk as much as this one. So when around 4 a.m. he woke up from a shallow dream to face Mobei Jun snoring next to him, Shang Qinghua didn’t think much and just pulled him on the mattress, wrapping tightly in a staff blanket. If Mobei Jun woke up, he’s never shown it. 

Shang Qinghua needed exactly one year - and one relationship anniversary full of ice cream - to ask himself why Mobei Jun didn’t just drive him home.