#I love how they’re fully embracing the queerness of this show it’s so great

[hopelessfandomfreak]

kathryn hahn said in an interview that she and aubrey plaza would send each other MUSIC AND POEMS while they were shooting agatha all along and if that’s not the most sapphic way of getting into character ever I don’t know what is

[wenellyb]

Eddie Diaz is a white Latino. Did people learn nothing from the Pedro Pascal discourse? And does the fandom *not* remember that episode where the funeral protestor refuses to be tended by Hen and Chim, so he asks Eddie to give him care— fully seeing he’s white— until Eddie says his last name is Diaz and his father’s Mexican, but he can channel his mother’s Swedish heritage for the man’s comfort? White people are not members of the global majority, but they do live and exist outside Western Europe and the U.S. (like Mexico).

It’s so weird how parts of the fandom are making any positive reaction to a m/m relationship in this show (that isn’t their yaoi ‘buddie’ fanfiction) into something about loving to see white men kiss. Y’all would still be getting that with canon buddie! Y’all couldn’t even support Michael and Glenn (calling them “homewreckers”). Y’all constantly ignore Hen and Karen with your complaints of “queerbaiting.” Y’all also called TK & Carlos’ (911 Lone Star) relationship “toxic” because it began with sex and because y’all fanon Carlos as some aggressive control freak. Like… c’mon!

I don’t think anyone who is supportive of Buck’s new relationship is arguing that Tommy is perfect. He’s was a fucking dick to both Hen and Chim when they joined the 118. His “delivery man” comment to Chim was wildly unacceptable. No one has forgotten this. Yet both Hen and Chim are *NOW* good friends with him…? Why? He changed. And the show shows the audience this. They show that he developed a great camaraderie with Hen and Chim. They show how he— unlike Sal and Gerrard— shifted his behavior and worldview to accept, embrace, and enjoy change.

Tommy could have been Sal. He could have been Gerrard. He had a good working relationship with both men and both men encouraged bad behavior in the 118. Yet he didn’t. He stayed on and befriended Hen and Chim (when most of the other guys still refused). Because he chose to learn and change and open himself to people’s differences (which likely also helped him come to terms with his own “differences”).

Tommy’s arc is meant to show how someone can make amends, repair relationships, and become a better person (y’know… learn, grow, and reform himself). The general audience for this show is straight and white. They *need* to see white people changing and learning to be better. They *need* to see queer people coming into themselves. These are important story lines.

Fans like Buck and Tommy together because they like Buck and Tommy together, because they like what this means for them and what might happen going forward. That’s literally it. We’re all just overjoyed by having more queer representation, including Bi representation. That’s it.

But there are a lot of “buddie” shippers in people’s inboxes hating on Buck and Tommy together for no reason other than it stands in the way of their ideal porn fantasies (“buddie”). And they’re being weirdly queerphobic about it, too.

Hi Anon!!!! So much to unpack here. I'll post this and let anyone comment their thoughts because this is an interesting conversation.

I'll start by saying that it never occurred to me that Ryan Guzman was not White, until Bucktommy became more popular and some Buddie shippers said that Bucktommy shippers were preferring the White MM pairing and I was like "Hmm.... both Buddie and Bucktommy are White MM pairings"???? Like it never even occured to me.

I'm not here to debate Ryan Guzman's ethnicity, he knows that better than us, but as you mentionned people seem to forget that there are White latinos.

I should add that Americans will maybe have a different perspective but in Europe, there is racism, and there is also xenophobia both are bad, but not the same.

If I'm talking about someone who is White and Latino being a victim of prejudice, I would never say that they're victim of racism, I would say that he's victim of xenophobia.

Believe it or not there are a lot of Europeans are xenophobic but not racist and vice versa.

With that being said, I agree with the rest of your ask..

I love 911 Lone Star and watched 911 casually but I never got the Buddie shippers, especially the ones who said they shipped Buddie as a form of activism, or because there was a lack of Queer representation (which is true) but Henren are there, TK and Carlos are right there and it's the same franchise.

They never cared about Henren, they even erased them whenever they accused the show of Queerbaiting even thought it has several Queer characters.

I remember when they started complaining that Bucktommy had more fics that Henren after one kiss.... but never said anything about Buddie having over 20 000 fics after 6 years of nothing even thought Henren was canon.

A lot of their takes are rooted in hypocrisy, it's like they're taking all the arguments that have been thrown at them and throwing them back at Bucktommy shippers without even thinking about it.

It's very important to have discussion about fandom racism, because it's a huge issue especially in the biggest fandoms but I do feel like some of them are bringing the issue in bad faith. This discussion is so important but it needs to be had with the Bucktommy fandom AND the Buddie fandom. So far the Buddie shippers only want the Bucktommy shippers to have it.

Why don't they take a look at the mirror first and ask themselves why they never cared about a Black Lesbian couple when one of them was a Main Character. Why don't they ask themselves why a ship with 2 best friends has over 20000 fics and a canon ship that is TK and Carlos only have 7000.

And why do they find the weirdest excuses to hate on Carlos (as you said), who's clearly not White and never give him the same courtesy they give their fave White chatacters.

When Buddie shippers talk about fandom racism, all I can think is: the call is coming from inside the house.

[adamthealien]

Last month, I was invited to play behind the lens, taking photographs to promote upcoming events put on by The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, Abbey of St. Joan. As a photographer, I absolutely loved working on this project! The experience was both fun and creatively fulfilling. Pictured here is the first completed promo using one of my photos! In just two sessions, we've already snapped a bunch of promotional photography for fun events occurring now through at least November. I'm pretty dang proud of this particular shot. It's definitely one of my personal favorites from the recent photoshoots!

Kai-Kai is a new monthly event from The Abbey of St. Joan, the nonprofit local Seattle chapter of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence. Every third Saturday they're hosting themed competitions, starting with Amateur Stripper Night on August 17th at Massive, from 8:00-10:00 PM. Door entry is a suggested $10, and you can register to compete for prizes for just a suggested $5.

For those who don't know, The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence are an international group of queer, charitable activists that emerged on the scene in San Francisco during Easter of 1979. They're a wonderful group of people who take on a variety of approaches to aiding, educating, uplifting, and fostering connections in the communities they serve, all while celebrating a life that embraces fun and sensuality.

My first exposure to The Sisters was at a Trans Pride march and rally in Portland toward the end of The Before Times (honestly, everything before the pandemic seems like lifetimes ago, now). They caught my attention not only because of their flamboyant nun attire, but because of the simple actions they took to make the rest of us feel safe and comfortable. With their outfits and extravagant makeup, they were visible in a way that made the rest of us, if we so wished, better able to blend in. And when the transphobes came, waving signs of hatred, The Sisters took flags and banners and created a visual barrier between the bigots and the rest of us.

As someone still very new to going out in public as my whole self, expressing myself in ways I’d been made to fear, I don’t know how to fully express what that simple action meant to me. I was nervous to be there, to participate without actively hiding some part of who I was. The Sisters helped me feel secure in the knowledge I was not as vulnerable as I felt, because I was surrounded by a community of people who were looking out for one another.

In my short time in Seattle, I’ve been very lucky to begin getting to know the Sisters of The Abbey beyond just a comforting presence at Pride. They’re a driving force in bringing people together. They take their place in the community seriously, while also knowing how to cut loose and get people to have some fun. It’s hard to forget a good time spent with The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence.

So if you're in or near the Seattle area, come on out to Kai-Kai at Massive on August 17th for a good time with great people! Enter to compete and show off your sexy stripper skills or just buy a drink and enjoy the show!

[nose-bl]

Heartstopper did a great job at showing just how beautiful queerness is. There’s a huge focus on how you can love being queer, you can be happy that you’re queer, you can live your best queer life without regretting it or without wishing you were cishet. Even when the characters were having a hard time bc of homophobia/transphobia/biphobia and the stress of being closeted when you just want to let the world know who you are, they were still glad to be queer, and they were able to overcome their fear or pain thanks to the lovely and supportive people around them

Elle experienced a lot of transphobia, from teachers and students. It affected her, it hurt, and in episode 8 she talks about how weird it is to be back at the place where she suffered so much, but she doesn’t regret anything. She doesn’t regret being trans and living openly as a girl, and she’s ready to go to Truham for the sports day thing. Tara and Darcy take her hands, and they all run together

Darcy has a really shitty and homophobic family (this hasn’t been adressed in the show but it has on the comic). She hates her home life, it’s really hard for her. But she’s still super confident in her sexuality, she is unapologetically gay, she’s not afraid to use the word lesbian, she loves being a lesbian and kissing her girlfriend in public

Tara had a hard time accepting herself, she realized she was a lesbian way later than Darcy, and she says that at first she couldn’t even call herself a lesbian. She struggled to accept that part of her, and when she finally did and was comfortable enough to make her relationship with Darcy public, she got nasty comments, she was treated differently, people were being homophobic to her face. She cried about it, but Darcy was there for her. Darcy was there to hold her and hug her and tell her that it was going to be alright, that they’re in it together and that they can just live their lives, they can just exist and be happy as who they are, and they’ll figure out the rest

Charlie talks about always knowing he was into boys, always having crushes on boys and never showing interest in girls. He easily realized who he was and was presumably quick to accept that part of him. And then he was outed and heavily bullied for it. He was afraid to go to school, he has a lot of trauma bc of that and other hard situations that have come with being openly queer. And despite all this....he’s not afraid to love Nick and to be his gayest self, he has friends who have been there for him, and despite having a lot of mental health issues, his life isn’t miserable or tragic. He’s sassy and smooth and he’s kind and he loves others so much

And finally Nick, who we see figuring himself out in real time. He was the last of the main characters to realize he’s queer. He was surrounded by so much heteronormativity, he was surrounded by homphobic friends. He hadn’t been exposed to queer culture or to openly queer people before. Meeting Charlie twisted his world upside down. It changed everything. It helped him realize something he hadn’t even considered before. We see Nick crying at the realization that he’s not straight, we see him struggle when Harry is being homophobic, we see him being scared of this part of him he’s just discovered, and shying away from fully experiencing it at first bc of the confusion. Charlie, Tara and Darcy were such an important influence for him

And I just love the emphasis they put on how happy Nick is with himself. Sure, he’s confused about his identity at first. He is scared and it takes him time to fully embrace it. But he never lets that stop him from liking Charlie with his whole heart. He never regrets being bisexual, he never wishes he was straight, he doesn’t try to force himself to be straight. He loves liking Charlie, he loves that being queer lets him love such an amazing person. He is happy to announce he is bisexual, he screams that him and Charlie are boyfriends bc of how overwhelming and beautiful it is to be queer and to be finally able to fully embrace and experience that part of you

[babydotcom]

okay i don't know if anyone's said this before but i think hakoda and bato's relationship is really important to sokka accepting his attraction to men. this absolutely got away from me so the analysis is under the cut. i'd appreciate it if you gave this a read!

we all know sokka sees his dad as the pinnacle of Manliness, and spends so much of his childhood and teenage years trying to live up to this standard he feels hakoda has set for him (whether or not this perception is accurate). he is supposed to be a warrior, a protector, a leader. he is supposed to be strong. this is why he represses all of his negative emotions, all his grief, sadness, rage, hurt. it's why he falls madly in love with the first sweet, emotional, kind, traditionally feminine girl he's ever met that he's not related to, because yue compliments his perception of manhood. it's why suki, a woman who is all of the things he thinks a man should be, is confusing to him. suki opens his eyes a little bit, because she is an attractive girl that also embodies manhood the way sokka thinks he should.

from the beginning of book two on, we see sokka be more honest with himself about his attraction to men, even if he's not so open about it. there's the boulder, chong in the cave of two lovers, and zuko (he was flirting at the western air temple i don't care. this isn't about shipping anyway). these are men that sokka textually finds attractive, so he knows he's not straight. this doesn't fit into his perception of manhood- hakoda's love for kya was incredible, so of course sokka would ingrain heterosexuality into manhood. he never voices this same-sex attraction (i know this is nickelodeon, but you know what i mean), but it's pretty much a no-brainer that a relationship with suki, who he perceives as being man-adjacent, is something he wants so much to pursue.

from book two on, we also see sokka sort of reevaluate this manhood standard by expanding his horizons. he finally is expressing himself creatively. first is the haiku club in ba sing se-- when else have we seen him trying to impress girls by meeting them where they're at, using his words in poetry to impress them rather than performing some act of machismo? second and infinitely more importantly is in Sokka's Master. the entire episode is about sokka proving (and realizing) his worth, and to him he is only worth anything if he is a perfect man, if he is like his father. for someone training to be a swordsman, we actually see sokka do little swordfighting in comparison to how much art (which for the sake of this post we'll consider traditionally feminine) he does. he never once complains about this, but his appreciation of the arts changes over the course of his training. for his first calligraphy practice, sokka tries, sure, but he doesn't take it seriously. he mushes his face into the paper, taking the easy, and the more brash route to the end goal.

he approaches his first spar with *checks notes* fat, the same way. he tries, but fails spectacularly because he takes the brash and easy route, making the most obvious first strike against his opponent. he sucks with the sword, so far. it's only after he takes piandao's painting lesson seriously-- or as seriously as he's capable of-- that he has any sort of breakthrough in his swordfighting. his development as a swordsdman, his mastering of a masculine activity and fighting style, is dependent on his acceptance of art and emotion and creativity, of femininity. piandao's training, his emphasis on the arts, is what made sokka a great swordbender. in realizing his worth, sokka had to accept femininity into his ideal of man.

back to hakoda and bato. sokka doesn't get a lot of time with his dad before the invasion on the day of black sun, because obviously they have a war to fight. but what time he does have with hakoda is spent spiraling over his worth as a man yet again, because hakoda has shown just how much sokka has yet to grow as a leader. it's neither of their faults, but hakoda showing up sokka at the planning meeting causes a blockage in sokka's growth, just after he'd reached new heights in sokka's master. sokka's back to feeling like shit, and this is compounded by the failure of the invasion. that moment at zuko's coronation, when hakoda tells sokka that's he proud of him, after sokka had been absolutely crucial to winning the war? that's means the world to him. his Ideal his proud of him.

i imagine that during the war, hakoda and bato weren't together. hakoda was still mourning kya (and he always will be, but the wound was fresher then), and then they were fighting for their lives. so, i think when they do get together, it's not terribly long after the war. sokka seeing them start a romantic relationship is what allows him to finally embrace his attraction to men. his father, his chief, his pinnacle of manliness, can love other men and express that openly. hakoda is the Typical Father in that we don't really see him actually vulnerable other than that moment in boiling rock when he tears up at seeing sokka, so to see his father in a loving relationship again, with bato, his life long best friend, would be incredibly powerful for sokka. it finally clicks that sokka can love a man, too, and that loving a man does not make him less of one. before bakoda get together, sokka probably fears ever coming to terms with his same-sex attraction. he knows that hakoda loves him absolutely, but the nagging voice in most, if not all, queer peoples' heads still makes sokka wonder if hakoda would respect him as a man if he were in a gay relationship, regardless of how much hakoda loves him. to have that worry soothed... that's everything to him, when it comes to his sexuality and acceptance of himself.

much of sokka's arc throughout the series is about deconstructing that idea of manhood he's held onto since he was a little boy, and redefining masculinity in terms that embrace the feminine parts of him that make him such a great warrior, protector, and leader. he is loving in his protectiveness, he is soft in his strength, he is creative and artistic in his leadership. sokka's development in this regard is incomplete by the end of the series, because he's 15 and nobody is done growing up at that age, but him getting his dad back, and finding that his ideal isn't really what he thought, has him on the right track to fully embracing himself as a man whose strengths go beyond the idea that he created as a kid, and whose love goes beyond gender. i just think that's neat.

[life-rewritten]

Lovely Writer (5-7)- The Fantasy of Love: The Search for Family, Freedom and Love

Wow it’s like I haven’t written in so long on here. You know this because I literally have to analyse and break down Lovely writer episode 5-7 and catch up before tomorrows episode, these episodes just by themselves are packed and full of depth and meta and it takes ages to comb through the information and present the results. But I’m back and I have so much to say, I feel so incredibly worried and scared for our babies as they deal with the villains of the show, but I also can’t help but swoon at the themes of the show, and why they’re important for representation in BL to be shown and discussed. Lovely Writer continues to be fluffy, cute BL on the surface but deep within a powerful medium for conversations about LGTBTQ representation and more. Isn’t it brilliant? And with two incredible Bl couples there’s so much to break down and analyse. So let’s break down the fantasy of BL love and why it’s a massive theme in the show.

Gene and His Fear

Gene’s reactions to people are in a way very similar to someone who is going through a stereotypical situation, and at first I didn’t understand why he had such a certain mistrust in people like for example although it was understood his fears and worries about Nubsib, he reacted in a way that seemed very extra and over the top in episode 6. The reason why this feels extra is because he made the audience feel like Nubsib must have been a horrible person to him in the past for him to go into a panic attack and break down over the fact that he lied about his identity and it is Sib. Obviously the reason why he was panicking is because he had realised he had fallen in love with Nubsib and he thought he was a victim of a practical joke wherein he fell hard but Nubsib’s feelings were insincere. It seemed like he felt scared like the one person he trusted and felt truly himself and comfortable with (who Nubsib always seems to be for him even in childhood) was fake and not possible path for him. This points back to the doubts and ideas Gene holds about himself, he doesn’t have social anxiety but he does have a form of discomfort that makes him feel he doesn’t belong with others, like he’s different, he’s ‘abnormal’ this points to his internalised struggle with his sexuality and being with his friends who want him to be truthful, it points out to his struggle with being imaginative preferring toys and childish games over the games his peers preferred at a young age, him being a BL author when normally it’s not written by men etc. He tends to want to hide and shield himself from others by entering his own imagination hence why he finds writing a safe space. The one person he found comfort in sharing all his fears with or embracing who he was is Nubsib, this is why his walls broke in shock realising that all Nubsib did was a lie. And really not going to lie Gene’s comments to Mhork about people assuming that because he’s a writer he’s an introvert did throw me, because I do see him as that, he has a lot of trust issues that’s what it seemed like to me, someone who doesn’t trust people, or like confronting or dealing with situations because he feels alienated or different from others, someone who doesn’t like being vulnerable with people because he’s afraid of it being used against him. That’s fine because when he’s angry at Nubsib those reasons make sense to me why he broke down in that way, it pulled on all of his hidden insecurities, all of his fears about never finding someone else that gets him, all of his worries that he was always being mocked or looked down upon that other people could tell he was different, that he was weird, that he didn’t feel comfortable with them.

 Because he’s meant to be like this when Nubsib’s truth gets unveiled, he’s going to be terrified, go through the panic attacks, go through the break downs and flooding of emotions that were hidden deep, this is why his reactions are extremely dramatic and intense.  That’s what I thought. But what Gene tells Mhok is that he only pulls away from people when he writes to focus, and that’s fine but it didn’t add up with how he acts with others when it comes to social situations, sure he’s polite, and sometimes agrees to go out and do something with others, but we can see he tends to feel stressed, uncomfortable and annoyed with how people behave, especially when it’s not what he feels like doing (this happens both as a child and also as an adult). The second confusing thing I had to process was that Gene is wealthy. I did mention in previous episodes that Nubsib and Gene have mirror characters with Hin mirroring Gene, and Aey mirroring Nubsib’s situation, however one of the differences between them and their mirrors is the idea of privilege and ease of life. Gene isn’t as desperate as Hin to be a writer because he doesn’t have to prove anything, he’s fully accepted at home, he’s immensely wealthy, has a writer mum to seek advise from, and most of his family support his dreams (will break down the father later), Hin has none of that, in fact he’s even more desperate to make it to writing by doing BL because he is suffering from lack of wealth and prominence in the industry. Nubsib is given semi permission to do whatever he wants, to change his name to do acting but he always has a place back home, he also as well has prominence and isn’t desperate either to have his acting dreams come through, because he can be protected and taken care of since he’s the heir of his father’s company. Aey has none of that, Aey’s family is toxic, forceful and abusive and he doesn’t have any choice but to cling to acting for freedom. You  seeing the similarities and use of mirroring in the show?

It’s really important because it again makes us understand why Gene and Nubsib are going to be probably victims of Hin and Aey who feel like they have no choice but to commit to their desperation and get rid of whatever will stop them. Gene and Nubsib don’t need to do that (though they have other problems) and instead actually take what they do a bit for granted, for example even if the BL industry is corrupted and Gene isn’t happy to write for it, he’s still making money, is being observed and talked about whilst Hin isn’t getting that and he wants to write BL authentically. It’s the same as Nubsib, although the industry makes him angry, he also takes for granted what he has, he’s not careful even when warned about how his actions with Gene could lead to the production of the show failing, he’s just set on Gene, again I agree with them but when you look at the fact that Aey has no choice but to be this way, to have the ship with Nubsib if he wants to survive and make it, Nubsib’s actions start to seem privileged, and selfish. This is why Lovely writer is a great show, none of the characters are all good, and none of them are all bad, it’s all about humans who have flaws and act like real life people with issues they need to grow from and learn from whilst dealing with the fear and pressure of the BL industry as a whole.

Again the villain of the show isn’t the characters it’s the industry its self, the system, the rules and the way things are done. That’s what the ultimate villains are here and also the traditional rules of society that entraps the characters (will get into this later).  Again the being rich and successful since his childhood might also explain why Gene doesn’t let people easily into his life, Gene may not trust people either because of his status, his family’s name, his reputation. Again it brings up the idea that he could be used when he’s vulnerable for something else and tricked and played with if people know his truths and insecurities and use them as weapons. You could also argue that Gene wants to run away from the rich things in life even though he is comfortable with how he lives (Plus he probably made enough money from Bad engineer to move out), it may also allude to Gene not wanting to be known for his father’s wealth and status, and the reason why he clings to writing so desperately is because he wants his own success, his own freedom, his own earnings from what he loves to do. One of the themes with all 4 characters especially Aey, Gene and Sib is Freedom, as much as ambition is important to them it’s because it’s the only way to get them to escape the life that they have been forced to grow up in  because of their parents, rules, obligations and demands. By finding their own paths, and clinging to it desperately they all find a space to breath, to be their true selves and have no chains holding them to other traditions, rules or jobs that they don’t want to be in.  

Fathers and their Traditions

Gene’s father seems like also a source of his insecurity in himself, he looks like he fills Gene’s head with worries and doubts and fear that he’s not doing what he’s meant to do. When the father suggests to Gene that he should return back home, I know that look on Gene’s face very well, it’s anxiety, worry and fake smile to find an excuse why that isn’t possible. Gene’s mind knows his father doesn’t approve even though he smiles and fakes his way of looking like he doesn’t mind who Gene is, what Gene does. But it’s starting to be clear the father is homophobic, in fact it’s so clear that he sends Gene of to boarding school when he’s 14 just because he thinks and fears that Gene may be queer, he also tries to bring Gene back home because it’s easier for him to stop Gene writing Bl then. In fact this is another theme of the episodes since we were introduced to Aey’s story, the mirroring of the fathers in the show. The fathers are starting to have a pattern, and it all points to tradition, obligations and conforming to societal norms.  All Nubsib, Gene and Aey have all ran away from home because of this pattern. They’ve all pulled away from their families to focus on their dreams, this also includes Hin though it’s unsure if his parents are as bad as the others or if they are supportive and understanding. Aey’s father is the most traditional and outspoken, hence he’s abusive, vile and obtuse with how he speaks to Aey. He chains his son down and punishes him because he tried to flee and find happiness and love (with a boy heaven forbid!) and when Aey’s lover wasn’t who he said he was, wasn’t faithful and and was a coward he uses that opportunity to constantly put shame and emotional abuse on Aey making him carry the burden and weight of the father’s manipulations, and making him feel alienated and alone with no one to trust. It’s disgusting and it was horrifying.  Now Gene’s father is different, also manipulative on the surface but doesn’t show it outright to his son who though has been imbedded with the same insecurities and self-deprecation when he thinks he’s not fulfilling what is seen as right/ traditionally normal.

This is probably why Gene does have these  secret avoidances of who he was for a while, because he already had a vibe from his father since the childhood days, he probably understood later that his dad intentions made him feel alienated from what he wanted to do, and what he felt comfortable with. This is why when his father keeps silent whilst others are praising his show, and book he notices but keeps silent, because he knows he will soon go back to writing in his own home comfortable and himself with Nubsib. Nubsib’s father is not yet introduced but from what we have heard of him, he also falls into the line of responsibility and obligation because Sib is going against his fathers wishes by choosing to chase after Gene and become an actor, he’s breaking away from the tradition in his family preparation to take over his father’s company. Likewise we see that when Sib was a child he was also like Aey abused by being forced to give into pressure of doing what is seen as right and appropriate for a rich child. He was abused by his piano teacher and his mum turned an eye, refused to listen to him and punished him each time he tried to be free from that. Again although Sib’s father isn’t there, his absence shows what his role is too, he felt just as stifled by his father as his mother and he wanted to get away from it all. Gene was his escape from that, from all the duties, obligations, and neglect. They found each other and both ran away to play in an imaginary world together,  this kickstarted Gene’s love for creativity and writing, but also kickstarted Sib’s devotion to Gene who paid attention and showed him love and care. So the parents are tied to this theme of entrapment, and force and order,  with closed mindsets, ignorance and old fashioned ideas about what real ambition is, they become obstacles to their children’s pursuit for purpose, freedom and love. They are also the second villains of the show because they represent that idea of society and it’s traditional conformist norms being a barrier to people’s liberty of self. A theme always readily explored in the BL genre.

MhokAey: Fantasy of Love vs Resentment of Trust

We need to discuss about Aey and Mhok. A lot has happened to them since I wrote my previous analysis. Including the whole reveal that what they are is more than just friends but it threads a line between unrequited and toxic requited feelings. There’s a lot of confusing feelings about them, a lot of angst and drama and hate and mistrust to do with their story. Mhok is at the center of this. I remember analysing his character using Bad engineer mirroring outline that he was like the character he plays Tawan, he’s also like a second lead romantic interest for Aey, he comes second but he’s devoted to making sure Aey is safe and he’s devoted to trying ensure Aey doesn’t snap or leave his humanity and morality behind. Mhok and Aey like Gene and Nubsib (surprise surprise they also mirror them, with same themes and ideas) have known each other since they were children, Aey was cruel and heartless at that time due to the pressures of the environment he was in (from the father’s pressure and Aey being submissive to his father’s wishes) because of this Aey seems to have been angry, hurtful and callous all the time, including to Mhok who watched him and feared for his state. However Aey later finds freedom and happiness as he falls in love with Time, Time makes Aey finally want to give up all the pressure and obligations and be himself, except Time wasn’t who he said he was and when Aey’s father posed an obstacle after Aey’s jealous sister outed him (though I think she’s not the only person behind this I’ll explain), Time ran away with the money they saved up and left Aey damaged, broken hearted and destroyed.

Sadly what happened next is Aey also found Mhok to be part of this family’s bretrayal, and so he avoided Mhok and thought Mhok is using him to try and be seen as a good son/son in law to his wealthy family. The reason is why would Aey think Mhok is to blame? Unless in doing something stupid as always to protect Aey, in maybe knowing Time wasn’t who he said he was, and in anguish of his unrequited love for Aey, Mhok is the one who outed Aey to Earn which then led tothe catalyst? Why not? We don’t know his role during the time, Time was in Aey’s life, for someone who seems utterly devoted and possessive and at times jealous about Aey’s love interests (this includes him being jealous each time Aey and Sib interact or kiss), Mhok in order to protect Aey, his goal by the way, probably told Earn to find a way to stop it from happening but Earn hated Aey and used it as an opportunity to kick him out and make him lose his beloved son status because she was jealous. This is why Mhok cannot speak up when the father berates Aey about Time because he’s the one who probably started it.

We see that for Aey’s safety and ensuring he doesn’t go too far with his anger and callousness, Mhok goes behind his back constantly warning others about Aey’s motives (this irked me because the way he describes Aey as like this monstrous scary creature makes me wonder why he would think Aey could trust what he sees in him as love). Mhok tells Gene to be careful of Aey, he takes the blame and says he would take the fall if anything happens, it shows that even though he says Aey is awful, he’s happy when Aey shows some sort of vulnerability or selflessness but it also shows he does love Aey unconditionally. But how can Aey trust Mhok if he is connected to the Time situation, if he doubts Mhok’s goals and he understands what Mhok thinks of him and says of him to others. Of course he wouldn’t trust Mhok because everyone makes Aey feel like a monster, his father does this every day, everyone says they know he’s awful, cruel and callous, they know he can hurt people, they tell him this, and Aey holds on to this, he believes this is how people see him and in order to survive and get what he wants he has to manipulate others and be seen as kind and vulnerable on the surface to not suffer the same pain he goes through with his family and the people who judge him on his past . See how Mhok’s unrequited love borders on toxicity as well?

In order to make Mhok suffer because of his thirst for vengeance, and his bitterness and pain of feeling betrayed by him Aey kisses Mhok and pulls away pretending to be unaffected. Of course he is like this, he’s filled with anger, hate and distrust of everyone his goal is to hurt the ones who hurt him even if he senses that there is an attraction, there is vulnerability and authenticity with himself when he’s with Mhok. There’s a weakness which is why he succumbed for a while with the kiss and the hug, Aey was in pain and some part of him trusted Mhok’s embrace, but it switched back because of fear. For Aey Love is a fantasy for him, because love has caused him nothing but pain, the only way he can use love now is to manipulate and escape the clutches of his family and survive and be free. Love isn’t the goal anymore, so he uses the fantasy of BL love which fans cling to, to make people love him, to make people praise him, and in order to do so he focuses on Gene as an obstacle to him and Nubsib’s fake relationship. Without Nubsib the show won’t be a success, if the show isn’t a success he’ll be seen as a failure and his father would be proven right, and without success he’d be left alone, tired, abandoned and betrayed. See why he’s more desperate than Nubsib when it comes to acting? Gene mocks BL and says it’s a fantasy of love, and with Aey he’s right, Aey uses the industry’s idealism of the corrupt fantasy of BL love to get his gain. But can you blame him? And is Mhok really doing right in his aim to protect Aey from going past the edge?

The reason why we get Gene’s mum talk about authentic LGBTQ movies and then have Gene say that BL shouldn’t be part of that is exactly what Tee is trying to call out as the director of the show. But Tee is using Lovely Writer to be a place for representation conversations, we have had conversations about internalised homophobia, coming out, sexuality, authenticity of relationships,  we’ve had consent shown by the main couple so Tee is very serious about representation and trying to make this show a medium where things are serious and done correctly. Yes Mhok and Aey are very toxic for now because even though they representing authenticity of love, because there is something they both can’t control that is connecting them to each other, they’ve known each other for so long and can’t help but be tied together because of those feelings. Mhok is devoted to Aey even though he acts opposite at times, but because he doesn’t know how to show love accurately, he fails repeatedly with how he tries to show love, trying to fit in the situation with logic but also trying to hide behind the scenes so he can keep an eye on Aey, on the situation, so he can have control over it. Mhok has certain stereotypical ideas about Aey imbedded from their childhood together making him know Aey is manipulative, cold and mean but despite the fact that he thinks this way, he just thinks Aey can have a chance to turn around and truly be happy by forgiving others and himself. Mhok knows he loves Aey for who he is but at the same time, he dislikes that Aey is morally grey and he wants to stop Aey from making more mistakes to himself, to protect everyone around Aey that may be hurt in the crossfire of his bitterness. Because Aey has been burned by the pressure and betrayal of the family dynamics he has, he becomes also without meaning to a version of the person he hates; his father, he becomes manipulative, sneaky, and aggressive with how he does things. It also makes sense that as he was suffocating when he was younger that he turned colder and meaner because he needed somewhere to let out the hurt and pressure of being the perfect child and perhaps Mhok really was hurt by this with that action. His character makes sense to me because it’s not okay but it’s understandable. Mhok knows Aey in and out, in fact he knows Aey’s family is toxic and so does what he does to show love by being  chameleon like and putting himself directly into the family, hiding to try and find a way to protect Aey from the dynamic, this is why Aey misunderstands that he’s trying to replace him and please the father, get into their good graces to take his place but Mhok is doing it for Aey.

The themes about trying to find out what’s authentic and what’s not, manipulation and masks in order to hide and be near the one they love mirrors Nubsib and Gene’s romance path too, this is why I said their outlines mirror each other, whilst Aey like Gene feels hurt by the fakery and feels mocked by the mask of Mhok/plans of Sib, Gene and Nubsib have managed to communicate and reach an understanding about the truth about their relationship.

The Authenticity of Lovely Writer

So there’s a theme/question about the fantasy of love for these two couples because at a point both Gene and Aey doubt that the love of their partners is real, they believe it’s a trick, fake, joke.  That they’re both doing this for power, to have control over their weakness and vulnerability to use that against them. Gene is weary about people but finds himself automatically willing to trust and understand Nubsib because of what he represents to him safety, comfort and warmth, and freedom. Aey on the other hand has become jaded with love and finds Mhok instead as his place to hold resentment, anger and pain for the past. No matter how much he wants to try and move on, try and hope for a better dynamic (as we saw he tried in episode 4),  they constantly shatter that hope and by episode 4 he’s done, and also includes Mhok with that memory. So Aey and Mhok are in a toxic state because there is no chance for communication, no revealings of truths, and Aey is in a broken mindset, resentful of himself, resentful of everyone, and resentful of love.

In a way the fantasy of love is a  perfect theme for Lovely Writer, since Gene is meant to learn that BL is only corrupt because own voices aren’t there to help write serious stories or avoid problematic tropes. As Gene falls in love with Sib, he realises that just because things may seem fake or shallow doesn’t mean that they are, you need to be open, to think about it in a different point of view, you need to also learn to accept the truths and overcome your prejudice and stigma with those things. It’s important to note that although Nubsib starts of using inauthentic means, his love for Gene is real, which is ultimately what Gene accepts in episode 7. It’s real and he should stop running away from what he’s feeling just because of old fears and worries that it’s wrong for him to be his true self and love what he loves. I hope we get to see Aey go through his own journey to this too, as he’s about to fall even more and regress with his anger and desperation, I hope Mhok does more than just sitting behind the scenes if he really wants his goal to be to save Aey from his self and resentment. Mhok needs to be braver, to show up and make Aey see the truth about what he feels, just like Sib did with Gene. Because at the end of the day if the love is authentic and true, Aey won’t be able to avoid the truth, Aey won’t be able to hide or run anymore like Gene was doing, Aey would want to start slowly hopefully stop seeing Love as just a fantasy but something real. Obviously we’re more half way through and this means the big guns are going to be out. It’s time to tackle the villains, to see them shed their skin and show their true colours, It won’t be easy and we may have some regressions because of fear but our couples will overcome it and find them selves through it, at the end of the day hopefully they end up getting their freedom, love and happiness. As for now I continue to love this show, and I continue to praise it’s depth and meta. Let me know your opinions on the episodes so far. What do you think about MhokAey and SibGene,who’s more pitiful? Let me know.

[spooner-cruz]

I rewatched Green Arrow and the Canaries (Arrow s8 e9) again and I have thoughts ™️.

(Arrow spoilers... duh)

First of all GAY GAY GAY

If GAATC had gotten picked up Laurel and Dinah would’ve been together and you can’t convince me otherwise !

I know it’s the CW and they’re quite the experts on Queerbaiting ™️ (especially being a CW Arrowverse show *side eyes Supercorp*) which was probably the case, but I chose to believe they would’ve gotten together! I mean ffs their first scene this episode is the gayes thing ever.

Laurel’s eyebrow raise and smile when Dinah notices her kfhdkchsjd

The director/writer/ whomever, decided to put this DinahxLaurel interaction so that the lyric “I’m in love with you” matches up with Dinah’s reaction to Laurel. That was fully purposeful! Dinah had a whole ass piano solo after that lyric where they couldve put their interaction, but nooo

The lyric:“Im in love with you”!! WHAT WAS THE REASON!! The songs original lyric is “I love you” and I could not find a single other version or cover that uses “Im in love...” instead. I know Dinahsiren fanfic writers picked up on this (as they should) and it’s an often mentioned fact in Dinahsiren fanfic (and i love it) but the thing is we would’ve overanalyzed it just the same had they kept the original lyrics. I’ve heard arguments that “it’s not that big of a deal” AND THATS EXACTLY THE POINT, if it’s not that big if a deal why would they change it??? We would’ve lost our minds even had kept the original lyric, but they made this change so it was noticeable!! So this was either them leading up to a Dinahsiren relationship or very detailed and precise queer-baiting, I chose to believe the former.

Anyway that’s it from Dinah and Laurel because every single one of their interactions with his episode was gay and they deserve their own separate post + I don’t want to make this one longer than it will be.

who do I have to contact in order to know who the big bad of this show would be???

I’ve got theories, as I’m sure many do! Please feel free to share your theories I’d love to know!!

What we know:

She’s a woman.

She kidnapped and planned on killing Bianca Bertinelli, which would’ve brought crime and disorder back to star city

She kidnapped William, which is probably how the GAATC would’ve gotten even more involved with all of this

Her “minions” wore the Deathstroke mask and seemed keen on reviving the Deathstroke Gang

THE HŌZEN!! In Buddhism, it symbolizes reconnecting, in Arrow it was shown to be a symbols of the Queen family, passed from Oliver to Thea to Roy than Thea again then to Felicity and finally William. However, it also symbolizes Lian Yu. The Hozēn was used in 2040 1.0 to bring William to Lian Yu, where Hōzen was initially found around a dead soldiers neck. And before the Hōzen came to symbolize the Queen family, Shado had it and wore it around her neck, which brings me to my theory.

The main antagonist would’ve been Shado.

All the symbols used by our villain relate to Shado. The Hōzen being the main reason why I think this, before it was a symbol of Oliver’s family, it was a symbol of Lian-Yu and Oliver’s way to remember Shado. The Deathstroke mask adds up too. Slade loved Shado, everything he did was to avenge her death, and though she didn’t reciprocate his romantic feelings she obviously cared about him too.

What I see happening is that maybe Shado was brought back to life after crisis (they explained why Robert Queen wasn’t brought back but they never did explain why Shado wasn’t brought back) somehow she ends up in 2040. So Shado is alive and in 2040, and she wants revenged on Oliver for her would’ve-been death (and his legacy— hence the destroying the city and kidnapping William). It would also make sense for her to honor Deathstroke, especially if she had found out about her friends similar mission to avenge her. Plus she was one of the people who trained Oliver to be the Hood, so she would’ve definitely provided a challenge for GAATC

Also she’s pretty and I miss her and that would’ve been so cool

I do have a few plot holes about GAATC and just crisis/the 2040 kids in general that I noticed this rewatch and they really bother me:

Did they not restore Zoe’s memory of Crisis?? (2020 Zoe that is).

I fully understand why they didn’t restore William’s memory seeing as he wasn’t actually there during Crisis and JJ was a baby so it’s not like he had memories to be restored.

But Zoe was there through it all. Yes we didn’t see her in crisis, but she had to have known about it, at least in crisis-prep season 8. Rene and Dinah both seemed pretty vocal about their vigilantism when they were interacting with Zoe, and even if they didn’t tell her about Crisis, she would’ve noticed her dad leaving for an island in the North China sea or how he probably acted all sad and shit after he found out 2040 version 1.0’s Zoe died. Plus she definitely would’ve seen grown Mia and William at least once during season 8 even if what just passing by. Also after Crisis happened, even if they didn’t restore her memory, she would’ve noticed Dinah suddenly disappearing?? Or that people that used to be dead were suddenly alive (which is another crisis issue! Moira and Tommy didn’t seem to have their memories restored yet they knew in some version of reality they would’ve been dead, so did the people who’s memories didn’t get restored just accept that dead folks were coming back). At the very least 2040 Zoe would’ve 100% recognized Dinah and Laurel (so would William for that matter wtf).

Then there’s the Diggles.

So baby Sara seemed to have been brought back, as show in the last few scenes of Arrow. Why was she not in 2040? Would she have been included in GAATC or were they just glaze over how John and Lyla suddenly had a daughter who was conveniently the same age as JJ.

Then also the whole thing with Dig being the Green Lantern, I got to say I’m completely out of the loop with that, but it’s what Arrow seemed to have been leading up to, which just bring me to ask why tf are Digs kids the way that they are? I mean it’s not the most ridiculous thing ever, that the Green Lantern’s kids grew up to be a drug addict, and a socialite who ended up being evil, but it just doesn’t rlly add up that Diggle was the Green Lantern yet his kids are like this.

Also they whole thing with JJ being evil again makes no sense?? Yes he was reminded that in a past life he was evil, but now tf would that make him want to be evil again. Mia was struggling with embracing her past life vs her current life because she had a great life and yet felt a responsibility to live up to her father and be a hero, understandable, but JJ??? He had a great life in 2040 version 2.0, and he moved on so quickly from that when he regained his memory simply because is some past life his dad was kind of an asshole?? Idk doesn’t make sense to me.

[tuiyla]

She-Ra’s like, really good, people

It’s been over a week since She-Ra season 5 came out and I binged it and this is not going to be coherent but I just want to rant about it a bit before writing some more structured metas. I deffo wanna write about Catradora and how I think SPoP is the true spiritual successor to the Avatar.

But first, let me just scream about how good this show is. I already started rewatching it, pretty much straight after finishing it, and I don’t rewatch tv shows often. The exception is Avatar (seen it like 15 times) and sitcoms. But She-Ra is so layered that I felt like I needed to watch it again just to appreciate the dynamics even more.

I already enjoyed the first season but it kept getting better and better. I’m not in love with the art style and it’s definitely for a younger demographic overall than my other favourite animated shows, but like any good kids’ show it balances tone well. It doesn’t talk down to its target demographic but also includes more traditionally mature themes in a digestible and entertaining way. Not all the jokes landed for me but as the series went on I learned to appreciate the tone and the type of humour She-Ra goes for.

It’s funny to me because this is definitely the type of show I would have rejected as a kid, with all the princesses I would have deemed it “too girly” and therefore not for me because screw gender roles. There’s a degree of internalized sexism to that, for sure, a rejection of the feminine because it’s always been seen as less somehow. But there’s also a truth that, at least in my childhood of the late 90s and early 00s, children’s media targeted at girls often had a poor quality to it, at least when compared to “boys’ stuff”.

She-Ra is not only a clever, heartfelt, complex story, it also transcends that binary of having to be either for girls or boys. I know most of modern animation rejects that as well, but She-Ra embraces so many traditionally feminine qualities while also going beyond gender roles and even the gender binary. This show is so queer, man, and I love it. It’s especially impressive when you consider the source material that was literally just the girly version of He-Man. I have no beef with 80s She-Ra, haven’t seen much of it, but this is such an upgrade.

That being said, I would have loved to watch She-Ra as a kid. I’m so incredibly envious of kids, aged around 10, who get to watch this show as they’re growing up. But I am so, so, so happy for them and for the future of animation that shows like She-Ra can be made now, that they’re being made. I’m going to go into spoilers soon, but just before that: She-Ra’s a perfectly enjoyable show in many aspects. I think the worldbuilding’s pretty cool, the story feels coherent and planned out, it’s lighthearted and so genuine. That’s the word that I ultimately choose to describe the series: genuine.

I feel like so much of TV aims to be dark and gritty nowadays, animation included, and though that’s slowly turning to dark comedy or a balance between fun and serious, it’s still the norm. At some point in the last decade, creators became terrified of being judged as cheesy. Even something like the MCU bathes in bathos to avoid being cheesy. But She-Ra proves that creators shouldn’t be afraid of being genuine, of basing characters and storylines on the simple power of love. Like, it’s such a cliché trope but I think that’s mostly because it has become stale.

Noelle Stevenson has talked about the importance of love in her story and I’m so grateful for that. Through, She-Ra, she’s truly proven how powerful love can be in a story and how it doesn’t have to be cheesy. It’s just so unabashedly genuine. The power of love and friendship literally saves the day several times but it’s always so genuine and more importantly it always makes sense that it doesn’t get boring. If the foundation wasn’t there, then I’d say “well this is just super cheesy”. But the show makes a point of building relationships and making them the focal point of the story.

Alright, so, spoilers because I need to talk about character arcs and THAT KISS and just everything. I really need to write more in depth about Adora and Catra and their relationship but for now I feel like it’s so important to appreciate how they’re developed. Everything from their shared childhood to their trauma with Shadow Weaver and the finding their way back to each other, it’s just *chef’s kiss*. It’s so well-written and believable. Ngl, I do have some minor issues with Catra’s redemption arc. Let’s just say that on a scale from Kylo Ren to Zuko, she’s definitely closer to Zuko. I also appreciate Shadow Weaver’s death scene and how it allows them to move on. I didn’t see that one as Death as Redemption and it shouldn’t be. Again and again the show made it clear that she was abuse towards both girls and nothing will negate that.

From what I can tell, the fandom really latched onto Catra, even when it wasn’t clear whether she’d get a redemption arc. I think that’s important, because unlike some characters in animation, Catra’s actions were almost always framed appropriately. There was always an understanding as to where she’s coming from, how she’s acting from a place of hurt, and yet her actions weren’t justified. They weren’t suddenly all okay just because she’s hurt, too. I especially loved in the season 3 finale when Adora was allowed to finally say no, to say that Catra’s actions were not her fault. That season as a whole was beautiful, like, episode three when Adora’s struggling so much and Catra has the opportunity for a better life but she still fails to choose her own happiness because she’s too bitter over SW and Adora? It’s poetic cinema. I love that angst, so well done.

It would be so easy to misfire in Catra’s storyline and either a) write off all the awful things she does because she’s just “misunderstood” or b) irredeemably stuck in her abusive environment with no hope of escape. They balanced quite well there and managed to handle such a complex character with delicacy. I’m quite happy with how Catra was portrayed because on the one hand, she’s painfully relatable to me and I assume to many others. The audience can see their own mistakes reflected in her character because we’ve all been too stubborn, done things out of spite, refused to acknowledge that we were wrong because we were hurting so much. At the same time, I always felt like the show gave me enough space to judge Catra’s actions and acknowledge that she was in the wrong. I honestly think I would have been a better adjusted teenager is if saw this show just before my angsty years, lol.

I’m going to write more about Adora at some other point but I love how vulnerable she’s allowed to be. Protagonists never used to be my favourite characters because they all seemed the same, with two major categories: the stereotypical male hero who can do no wrong or the angsty boi who can be shitty and the text still frames him as awesome. It’s only recently with series like The Legend of Korra and She-Ra that I go “damn, protagonists can be like that, huh.” Adora is a dumb jock who tries so hard and she deserves all the hugs in the world.

Also, Catradora? Breathtaking, amazing, groundbreaking. No doubt She-Ra needed shows like Adventure Time, LoK, Steven Universe and the likes to pave the way but still, it went there. I saw people be anxious about whether they were gonna be queerbaited, but I always, idk, knew? Trusted? That She-Ra would follow through. I didn’t wait six years for Bubbline to happen for Catradora to not get their big damn kiss. The series has been so effortlessly queer from the get-go that it just made sense that they were always heading there. I did see a gif of the kiss before watching s5 and ngl, that spoiler kind of bummed me out in a way that I wanted to be surprised. But even before I saw that I wasn’t worried. And the context of their journey in season 5? That cannot be spoiled by a simple gif. You have to experience that to fully appreciate it and that is the marker of good storytelling.

I understand that, though this should be the norm by now, Noelle Stevenson still had to be smart about how she approached the execs and she wasn’t sure this could happen. I cannot tell you how happy I am about what she said regarding how Catradora was so integral to the story that the execs couldn’t not allow it. That’s so brilliant, and it feels so natural in the story. Queer love saves the day and it’s not ambiguous, it cannot be censored because you lose a part of the story without it. You did it, Noelle, you funky little lesbian, what an icon. I can’t wait to see more stuff from her.

In other news, I appreciated other characters as well, like how all the princesses got to be different and awesome in their own unique way. Season 5 was great for so many characters, Mermista got so much to work with and Spinnerella and Netossa got so much more characterization than in previous seasons. Glimmer continued to be the third most important character in the story and I’m happy about all the relationships that also got to be canon. Good characters and dynamics all around, no wonder since the show is built on that.

Such a satisfying conclusion and one that makes you feel like this is just part one of a much bigger story. Such genuine, heartfelt moments, well-developed characters, complex themes explored in a respectful and digestible way, and such an unapologetically fun show. Melissa Fumero as a side character? Yes please. Catra’s new haircut? Heck yeah! She-Ra’s new design? Oh my.

I’m not even like, super into She-Ra, and I usually don’t write so much about things I only watch casually. But this show is so good and important that I had to rant. And I will write more about it eventually, but for now I needed to get all of this out. I’d give it a better structure but if I really get into I might never end up posting it so for now here, have this ramble of love. She-Ra, of all shows, deserves that.

[love-takes-work]

Ace/Aro Amethyst headcanons

Some people headcanon Amethyst as asexual and/or aromantic. I think that's pretty cool.

Unfortunately, some people are really hostile to this idea. Sometimes in a way that's problematic.

No, I'm not going to tell you you have to headcanon Amethyst as asexual and aromantic or else you're an acephobe. That's silly. Here's the problem: I recently came across a post on Reddit where a member of the Steven Universe subreddit demanded to know where the "stupid" headcanon of ace Amethyst came from and opined that it's ridiculous because that orientation does not "fit her personality."

Think about that for a sec, y'all.

Sexualities don't have personalities. This is a problem.

If you follow some of the interviews Rebecca Sugar has done over the years, especially lately, she sometimes talks about her growth toward understanding herself as bisexual and why it took her so long to figure it out. It was partly because media representation of characters follows a certain system, and as a result she'd been led to believe bisexual people were aggressively sexual, greedy, unfaithful, and extremely desirous of attention.

"I didn't know you could be a SHY bisexual," she said, and you can hear the wonder in her voice at that idea.

So let's really consider that, please. Any orientation can have any type of personality. And if you pigeonhole someone into what their orientation is likely to be because of how you interpret their personality and what messages you've internalized about what traits go with the way they are, you are probably contributing to this damaging message.

Moving on: full disclosure. I'm an asexual Steven Universe fan. I'm also aromantic. And anybody who says asexual people wouldn't have a personality like Amethyst has probably never hung out in a room full of asexual people. (Uh, I have.) 

There are shy people in the groups. There are conservative people in the groups. There are easily offended and sensitive people in the groups. But you will also find bawdy asexual people cracking gross jokes, asexual people who nevertheless turn everything into a sex joke, asexual people who are sex positive and even occasionally promiscuous or interested in sex. (If you don't understand how that's not a contradiction, I'll just leave you on your own to read some asexual education, because I'm not actually trying to go there with this post.)

Personally, I was raised by a rather crass mom whose sense of humor led her to blurt "IS IT A PENIS? BWAHAHAHA!" at the start of every round of Pictionary. She taught her daughters sex education early because she wanted us to know the facts, and though she joked about sex a lot, she also made it very clear that she expected us to make sex a part of our lives when we were older, and didn’t want us to think it was shameful or should be hidden. She gave us access to birth control in our mid teens and made sure we had the resources to make good choices about sex. It wasn't embarrassing or weird in our house. And even though I turned out ace, my siblings are straight and married. I grew up making ridiculous sex jokes and not being at all shocked by sexual humor or sexual situations. It was all just a good time and an accepting atmosphere. It was also okay that I didn't desire it myself. It didn't mean I couldn't dish out the innuendo with the best of them.

And yet, sometimes when I've come out as ace to someone and then they notice I use swear words, or am not horrified into covering my face during the movie's kissing scene, or have done things they really don't expect asexual people to enjoy, I'm treated to this weird mixture of shock-and-mock:

"Whaaaaat? Aren't you too PURE to use language like that, young lady?" "Plug your virgin ears, girl, we're talking about ADULT THINGS." "Don't worry, I won't mention S-E-X. LOL triggered." "She wouldn't be interested. It's about relationships and she thinks that's ICKY." "GASP! You just used the F word! Wait isn't that ironic?"

No, having a vocabulary that includes vulgarities and being tolerant of other people's desires is not inconsistent with being asexual. Being asexual means I don't feel sexually attracted to other people. It says absolutely zero about my behavior, and nothing I do is "wrong" behavior for an asexual person, because I am doing it.

Back to Amethyst.

Asexuality is a dicey issue for discussing Gems because technically they're all asexual. They are not a sexually reproducing species, so there really shouldn't be any reason for them to desire each other sexually. But they do seem to want intimacy and closeness in some situations, and there's definitely romantic attraction between some of them. It's sometimes hard to tell whether "sex" would be a concept available to them (besides Gems who shapeshift to mimic how humans do it), because it is after all a family show and sometimes you have to wonder if the relative chastity of some of the romantic scenes is due to the intended audience.

Amethyst has been more than once described by Rebecca Sugar as Dionysian. She was set up as an opposite to Pearl's Apollonian nature. If you don't know, Apollo vs. Dionysus is a concept of Greek origin that's often used in literature to set characters at odds with each other. Apollo is everything Pearl is: rational, clean, proper, perfect. Dionysus instead embraces the mess, just like Amethyst: Dionysian characters are sloppy, unruly, chaotic, and (this is important) hedonistic. They do what feels good.

Given this, I understand the root of why some people feel asexuality and Amethyst wouldn't go together well. And all things considered, it's true: Amethyst seems, to me, like the kind of Gem who would try anything, especially if other people seemed to enjoy it and especially if abstaining is portrayed as prudent and restrained. She's a let-it-loose kind of character. It's hard to imagine someone like her, who loves to eat, sleep, hoard, and be lazy, wouldn't have tried a few rolls in the hay, right?

Well, sure. Maybe.

And yet we've seen no specific evidence of it.

She could choose any form but she's never seen trying to change herself to look sexy; she's displayed no particular intimate or romantic interest in anyone beyond casual physicality and warmth; she's the only main-four Crystal Gem who hasn't been pursued romantically by a human; she's a little insecure and seems to crave attention sometimes but never spins it as a need to be fulfilled by romantic attention; she never expresses that she wishes she was someone's partner. Who knows? Maybe she's tried it out, found nothing she liked, said "Eh," and decided it's not her bag.

Hedonism is about embracing what feels good. If those kinds of relationships just didn’t feel good for her, I could see her just deciding they were boring and still fully embracing her other Dionysian qualities. She can indulge in naps and eat all the food in the fridge and hoard all the garbage she wants . . . without that indicating she must also possess and pursue amorous relations.

There’s also the fact that a minority of asexual people are like “eh, screw it, I’ll try it,” and don’t find sex completely objectionable or might even like it. (Not all, not most, not me, but this does exist.) They still may not desire it the way non-asexual people do, or may experience no attraction despite having neutral or positive feelings about the act itself. Who knows? Amethyst could be like that. We’ve seen her eat food that she doesn’t even like, just ‘cause it’s there. Some people take or leave sex like that.

And if you say her "type" necessarily incorporates promiscuity or a large sexual appetite, or you say she couldn't be ace because she's not uptight and strait laced, you're buying right into the damaging stereotypes about asexual people.

It's certainly not acephobic to headcanon Amethyst as bisexual or pansexual or lesbian or whatever you want. And it's fine if you believe the closeness she’s displayed with others that I interpret as friendship or non-romantic intimacy is actually a different flavor. What's NOT fine is saying Amethyst CANNOT be asexual or aromantic because of weird beliefs you have about what ace/aro people would be like.

Further, asexual people unfortunately don't have that much representation, and usually we're reduced to embracing absence as evidence. If a character isn't shown to "like" anyone that way, whoa, they might be ace! It's so very rare that a character does actively say or do something that indicates their lack of attraction. We often have to see ourselves in the "not yet" if we want any representation at all, running the risk of having our headcanons smashed as soon as a writer decides a certain type of attraction in a relationship will make that character interesting. But at least we're in the same boat as every other fan there. What we want to happen isn't necessarily what will happen.

And for those who think Amethyst might be ace and/or aro, she's such a great example of someone who isn't defined by the overly cautious, conservative germophobe who's obsessed with logic and conflates their abstention with purity and righteousness. I get really tired of asexuality being tied in with those traits because non-ace writers can't imagine ace people without sucking fun and flexibility out of their souls. (And on the flip side, isn't it wonderful to have the logical, organized, clean, perfect character be a giant lesbian? This is one box queer women rarely see themselves put in, but I know they're out there. I'm friends with a few.)

As for me, do I headcanon Amethyst as asexual or aromantic? Honestly, I am not very invested in this theory. 

I can see it and I could support it in a debate if someone asked me to. But I think Amethyst could turn out to be anything; really, the most likely thing for her to be is fluid. I think she's cute with Pearl sometimes, though Pearl having a mom vibe and being so much older and having other attractions does give me pause. I think the idea of her with Peridot or Vidalia is interesting, though Peridot more than Amethyst reads as possibly ace and there's more built up between her and Lapis now. I could even see her with another tertiary character someday; I wouldn't bat an eye.

But Amethyst as ace and/or aro would also make complete sense to me and might even fit best with her livin' free and unbound attitude, and when you look at the asexual flag, Amethyst is certainly dressed for it.

[cavehags]

1) do you think liam is supposed to be as unlikable as he is in s1? they definitely try to push for sympathy in later seasons but i couldn't really figure out if he's insufferable to be ~relatable~ or if he's just designed to make me hate him. 2) rate lauren's love interests from terrible to even more terrible. 3) which plotline(s) would you most like to scrap if given a chance to rework the show?

All great questions! Thanks!

1) This question has mystified me since the show first aired. Despite Liam’s completely unsympathetic behavior, we get numerous key shots from his POV early in season 1. For instance, when he is trying to have sex with Karma in the car during Homecoming in 1x01, and Karma decides she’s no longer into it and leaves, we cut to Liam checking his breath. This is meant to humanize him. It’s odd, because moments ago he said he’s wanted to have sex with a lesbian for as long as he can remember--a transparently rape-culture-y statement that is never fully interrogated. It’s supposed to be a somewhat relatable joke when we see that Liam thought his breath was to blame and not the creepiness of the sentiment he just expressed. The best I can say is that this was the gay male writers’ best attempt to craft a believable teenage boy, and they simply could not conceive of one who was not creepily misogynistic from the start. Though Liam’s worldview should horrify any women watching, I guess we’re supposed to believe that the writers did not understand just how damaging his behavior really is, and downplayed it accordingly. 

Interestingly, Liam is told off for his actions a few times throughout the show, but never for his fetishization of Karma. For instance, in 2x02, Liam throws a bit of a temper tantrum when he learns that Shane knew Amy and Karma were faking and never spoke up. Shane scolds Liam for this overreaction and points out that he’s being myopic and can’t really understand what it’s like for a gay kid who’s just coming out. This is fair game: like every other character on the show, Liam should be learning from his mistakes. So if the writers really wanted to create a sympathetic character arc for a young man like this, they really needed to have someone--probably Lauren, as a girl removed from the situation--explain to him how violent and degrading it is that he’s so hung up on the fantasy of “converting” a woman to desiring him. But they never do, so I guess they just never meant for him to be that bad.  

2) God, this is so hard because Liam’s love interests are all so bad. Tommy is an idiot and ignorant about intersex people, but at least he’s Erick Lopez and he’s cute. Liam is a piece of shit, but at least while dating Lauren he’s subjected to the kind of bullying he fully deserves. Theo/Anthony is a cop, and specifically a narc, and worst of all he’s a 20-year-old dating a high school sophomore. So I’m gonna have to go (best to worst) Tommy-->Liam-->Theo/Anthony. Wish I could include Amy in this love interest ranking but the show wasn’t galaxy brain enough :( 

3) Oh this is really fun and I wrote a horrifying amount omfg.

First things first, we have to go through the show with a fine-toothed comb and clean up the nastiness toward bi people. Shane makes a lot of biphobic comments that we can just throw away. And Karma’s mom, who currently we learn is bisexual at the end of season two, instead can describe herself as bisexual in season one in a cringey moment when she’s trying to bond with Karma. In a touch of realism, everyone assumes Amy and Karma are “queer” rather than “lesbians” (gotta update this with the times) which explains no one sees any issue with Karma, a queer girl, having a thing for Liam, a guy. I don’t see a way to rehabilitate Liam this way, though, so Liam still fetishizes Karma as a “lesbian,” even though she never uses that word and intentionally keeps it vague.

The character of Reagan is thrown out. Instead, Amy’s first girlfriend is more like that girl Jasmine, whom she met on the dating app Syzzr in season one. Jasmine is a girl from another high school in Austin who also just got over a crush on a best friend. She’s charismatic and mature and does a lot of the initiating in the relationship with Amy, prodding her to assert herself with her mom and embrace feminism more in “Zen and the Art of Pageantry” (we’ll keep that storyline mostly unchanged). Notably absent from her arc is a nastiness toward bi girls. Instead, she’s generous and goal-oriented. She helps Amy establish an identity outside of Karma, but bristles at times when Amy regresses. However, it’s crucial that she’s not jealous of Amy’s bond with Karma; she just wants Amy to be older and wiser than she really is. This highlights the flaw in their relationship: that Amy is still struggling with her self-identity (not her sexual identity!!) and feels like she is always letting her girlfriend down. Amy is the one who decides to break up and she does it because she doesn’t want to feel like a disappointment. They stay in touch, though, and Jasmine/Reagan remains a mentor for Amy throughout the show. 

For instance, when Amy finds herself unattracted to Felix (more on him later), Amy goes to Jasmine/Reagan about it, as well as Shane. She can’t figure out why she sometimes feels drawn toward guys even though she knows she doesn’t really like them. Shane thinks Amy is probably bi or pan. Jasmine/Reagan introduces some split attraction model that gives Amy an instant headache. Amy doesn’t think either of those are right. It’s actually a conversation with Lauren and Farrah that helps clarify things for her. Through chatting with her mom and Lauren, Amy is reminded that girls are pretty much trained from birth that their job is to impress and appeal to boys. She realizes there’s a good chance she’s been acting on inertia (this is the way the show simplifies comp het). She settles it once and for all when she goes out and meets a group of other lesbians -- maybe a support group or like an organized social club meetup kind of thing. In the company of these cool and inspiring other women, she realizes that she feels really comfortable with the label “lesbian” after all. Maybe MTV even lets her say the word dyke :) 

The episode where the kids have to label themselves, however, is thrown firmly in the trash. 

Also in the trash: Amy and Liam sleeping together. Garbage. I think they get angry-drunk together instead and talk about Karma and maybe the tension for season 2a is that they did something more external to hurt her that night, like out her as straight to her parents. 

Theo/Anthony is not a cop and there is no mystery surrounding his character. Instead, he’s like a pick-up artist type and plays intentional mind games like negging that Lauren sees through after a while. She dumps him and Shane and Amy help her get revenge on him. At that point, he is fully gone and does not come back. 

Duke is also a respectable age. Not much else to do there. 

And then the Karmy of it all! We need to see more signs from Karma’s perspective starting in season 2b (after the arrest) that Karma has a real crush on Amy that she’s ignoring. The character of Felix helps with this. He and Amy still go to prom together but Amy concludes that it doesn’t feel right and nothing more happens between them. However, on prom night, Karma finds herself feeling more than just empathy for Felix’s situation - she feels jealous of someone on that date. With Amy’s reluctant blessing, Karma asks Felix out and they start to date, but she finds herself annoyed by his quirks and has no interest in having sex with him. Felix winds up asking Amy what the deal is with Karma and sex. In the meantime, Karma catches herself having the occasional dream about Amy. Amy, who is with Sabrina at this point (I haven’t decided yet if I want to rewrite the Sabrina stuff since I haven’t rewatched s3 yet so let’s go with no for now), is mostly happy to see Karma and Felix together... but when she hears that Karma isn’t sleeping with him, she can’t help but feel hope that whatever motivated Karma to kiss her in the pool that night in 2b might be the reason she doesn’t want to commit to Felix. Karma doesn’t want to admit her confusion to Amy or Shane so has no one to talk to about her feelings except Liam, and miracle of miracles, he is the one who actually nudges her to consider that maybe she’s had a thing for Amy for a while now. She denies that that could be possible, but she’s just not happy with Felix, and at the end of season 3, she tearfully breaks up with him. When Amy comes over to comfort her, we see Amy through Karma’s eyes in a new way. Karma finally has her moment of clarity. End s3. 

In season 4, Karma sort of awkwardly tries to court Amy without being obvious about what she’s doing, which has the odd impact of making Amy feel hurt -- is Karma trying to bait her into having feelings again? This results in a fight, and during the fight Karma admits the truth -- that she’s having feelings for Amy and didn’t know how to express them without potentially hurting Amy because of their past. Amy is taken aback, and she’s still with Sabrina, so she does the old “I have to go” routine. But then she talks to either Lauren or Shane or both about what just happened and they prompt her to do a romantic about-face. She races back to Karma and they have a really cinematic first real kiss. The rest of the season that follows is the two of them as girlfriends, trying to navigate being their real selves and also their romantic selves at the same time. They do a lot of cliche romantic things and annoy the crap out of all their friends. They’re also really really happy. In the series finale, Amy and Karma and Lauren and Shane and Shane’s boyfriend all go to Pride or Queer Liberation March or whatever they call it in Austin. Also Liam leaves town for military school :)

[pivitor]

Be the Steven You Want to See in the World

The following is the most recent installment of my email newsletter, “Do You Know What I Love the Most?” I’m really proud of this one, and wanted it out there for y’all to read. Think of it as a free sample. If you like it, please share and subscribe to the newsletter here.

The following contains spoilers for Steven Universe and Steven Universe Future.

I don’t need you to respect me, I respect me

I don’t need you to love me, I love me

But I want you to know you could know me

If you change your mind

A little over one year ago, the above song capped off the final episode of Steven Universe, a series on Cartoon Network that began as an adorable little cartoon about a boy’s magical powers and eventually grew into a complex, emotionally rich saga about war, trauma, and identity — but one that remained accessible to viewers of all ages.

In the world of Steven Universe, its titular character stood alone. Steven’s father was a human, while his mother was a superpowered alien, both a rebel warrior and royalty in hiding; he was also, kinda, sorta, maybe the reincarnation of his mother? There was literally no other being in the universe quite like Steven, leaving the poor boy not only confused about just exactly who he was, but misunderstood by pretty much everyone he met, especially his alien “family” the Diamonds, the tyrannical rulers of the Gem Dynasty. The Diamonds refused to see Steven as anything other than his mother, eventually leading to them ripping his gemstone from his body in an attempt to revive his mother, something that could have potentially killed Steven.

Instead, though, it just revealed what viewers always knew — Steven was simply Steven, and nothing more. That revelation shattered the Diamonds’ worldview and their stranglehold on the galaxy. Steven saved the universe, but his most important victory was finally learning to love and respect himself, just as he was. Someday maybe the Diamonds would come to understand him, to see everything he has to offer simply by being himself, but if they never did, that’s okay. Steven already has the love and respect he needs without them.

It’s a sentiment that rang true for many of Steven Universe’s fans. Steven as a character, and his unique place in the universe, had always connected with many different varieties of viewers. Bi or muti-racial fans saw themselves in the way Steven was never fully at home in either Gem or human society, and queer viewers could appreciate the way that so many of Steven’s most prominent and praised qualities were ones that are traditionally viewed as feminine (as well as all the show’s more explicit pro-LGBTQ+ messages). All of them could likely find some solace in the ideas expressed in “Change Your Mind.”

I know I have. My relationship with my family is…okay. For now. I love my family dearly, we get along most of the time, and quite often even have a lot of fun just being in each other’s company, but I know there are parts of me that they’ll never be able to accept or understand. I’ve had to build a lot of walls between myself and them just to reach this tenuous equilibrium, and quite frankly, it hurts that they’ll never actually fully know who I am as a human being. When it seems overwhelming, I often think of Steven’s song. I can’t make them accept me. All I can do is love and respect myself, and be here if they ever change their minds.

If that was the end of Steven Universe’s world it would have been a fine legacy, but thankfully, the series continued on in the form of Steven Universe: The Movie and Steven Universe Future. The movie skipped ahead two years from the end of Steven Universe and, with a new villain, teased the “further adventures of Steven Universe,” but the limited series Future ended up being more of an epilogue to the original. Sure, there were a few enemies to fight, but they were largely loose threads Steven Universe left dangling. The real antagonist of Steven Universe Future ended up being Steven himself — or, more specifically, his trauma, insecurities, and sense of self.

In the original series’ extended theme song, each member of the main cast gets a chance to proclaim why they fight, and Steven’s is “I will fight to be everything that everybody wants me to be when I’m grown.” That’s always felt fairly ominous to me; that’s a Steven who doesn’t have a sense of self, of who he wants to be, who’s been devoured by his supposed duties and put aside his own emotions and concerns to make sure that everybody else is okay. Maybe that was sustainable in a time of war, but in the peaceful status quo of Future, these qualities come home to roost. Without people to help, without a world to save, who even is Steven Universe? What does he want his life to be? Steven doesn’t even begin to know how to look for answers, and is even less equipped to ask for help. He flounders more and more until he eventually breaks down.

Again, that’s something that myself and many other viewers can closely relate to. Like Steven, I was a “gifted” and sensitive child who was expected to excel, and hated to hurt people’s feelings so much that I chose to ignore my own feelings instead in order to please others. I was essentially a preacher’s son, expected to be a role model; to be anything else would be unthinkable and unacceptable. And as I got older and started to realize how different I was from everybody else, I had to protect myself by being somebody I wasn’t. I started to see myself as the problem, and tried to solve everybody else’s problems so that nobody would notice my own.

Both Steven and I tried to hide our mistakes so that our friends and family would never think poorly of us, would never know what we’d done wrong, so that we could always live up to the image of us people had in their minds. Living like that, though, means that you never learn from your mistakes, that you never get help and never grow, because you’re more concerned about hiding your mistakes than understanding why they happened and how to change them. Thankfully, Steven came to that realization much earlier in life than I did, but instead of reaching out for help, he just internalizes the mistake, blaming himself and condemning himself as a monster.

And when you think you’re a monster, you become a monster.

For most people, that’s a metaphor. In middle school, when I realized my wit gave me power, my pain caused me to lash out and briefly become a bit of a bully myself (after the second or third time I got beat up I grew out of it). Steven’s magical powers often cause things to be a bit more literal for him, though. While most gems can shapeshift on command, Stephen’s appearance has always been closely linked to his emotions; in one early episode, when Steven starts to “feel old” his body literally starts growing older and older until he almost dies of old age. Thus, when Steven starts to think of himself as a monster, he literally grows into a pink, horned, centipede-esque monster the size of a mountain.

Steven’s friends want to help — rightfully, they’re terrified for him, not of him — but their responses are also a little self-centered, albeit unintentionally so; they almost get into a contest, a game of “who hurt Steven more?” as they all blame themselves. It takes Steven’s best friend (and love), Connie, to get them to stop wallowing in self-pity and put Steven first. That shouldn’t be a surprise — while the rest of the cast has always protected Steven physically, they’ve also depended on him emotionally. From the very beginning of their relationship, though, Connie has been Steven’s greatest confidant. She forced Steven to open up to her when he stupidly tried to push her out of his life, and she’s been the only person who has consistently put Steven ahead of herself — sometimes to a fault — as Steven’s done for everyone else. And with her help, everybody Steven loves realizes that the way to save him isn’t by fighting him, but just by being there for him.

They embrace the monster-Steven in a massive group hug. They share with him all the ways Steven’s helped them, and help him realize that those same experiences allow them to relate to what Steven’s going through as well. Steven expected fear, shock, condemnation, and instead got understanding, love, and compassion, and shrinks back to himself, openly weeping in the arms of his friends and family. It’s his first step towards recovery.

It’s hard to understate how important this kind of support can be. I can think of multiple points in my life where just having people willing to be there for me moved me to tears. Knowing that there are people who will support you in matters great or tiny if only you actually bother to ask, to make yourself known to them, is powerful. Steven’s friends understood him more than he ever thought possible, and the same has proved true for me. Many times I’ve shared my past expecting to be judged or looked down on and instead only found understanding and compassion, and I’m not exaggerating when I say that kind of support has changed my life. And it changed Steven’s too.

Last weekend’s final episode of Steven Universe Future — the epilogue to the epilogue — still had a lesson or two left to impart. After a few months of therapy and help from those he loves, Steven decides to leave his home and strike out on his own so he can discover who he truly wants to be. There’s some sob-worthy goodbyes, but the major theme of the episode is that change is healthy and inevitable, and that people who love you will always be in your life no matter where you are.

It’s not necessarily a very original lesson, but it’s a vital one nonetheless. As I make (coronavirus-delayed) plans to move ahead into a new era of my own life, I can’t help but to find comfort in watching Steven do the same. Vitally, this final episode also provides a road-map to living in a post Steven Universe world. I’m losing one of my favorite shows, but I’ll always be able to revisit it, and the lessons I’ve learned will always be a part of me.

Perhaps the most important message of all, though, comes when Steven says goodbye to Peridot, a character who started out an enemy, but — through much effort from Steven — eventually became one of his closest friends and allies. As a sobbing Peridot laments that she’ll never find “another Steven” like this one, Steven tells her, “be the Steven you want to see in the world.”

If we carry any one lesson away from Steven Universe, I think it should be that one. Be the “Steven” who believes in love, in compassion and redemption, in helping those who need it, but also be the Steven who is honest about their limitations and shortcomings and allows others to help them and be there for them when they need it. In times like this, we all need that more than ever.

[espressotw]

The Truth is... (thoughts)

Humans are an interesting existence. A living, breathing creature yet simultaneously a story taking up space in this universe. A complicated story partially self-created and partially dictated. Perhaps mostly dictated. But the stories are so fundamental to the reality of our existence that they become invisible to our own eyes, like the reality of blood cells taking in and distributing life-giving oxygen. Really, the vast majority of what keeps us alive is entirely invisible to our own eyes.

Remember when you were a kid, laying alone in your bed, unable to sleep. What sort of stories did you tell yourself in those moments when your brain refused to sleep? For me, it was stories of ghostly creatures sneaking around the house. I was safe, as long as the door was closed. The door was somehow impervious to the brainspawn ghosts. So real were these stories that one of my earliest and most vivid childhood memories was a time in which I sobbed tears of such intense, genuine fear that I was unable to move. That story, based on some misunderstanding of physics, told me that the door swinging open and slamming shut, seemingly of its own accord, could only be the result of some dark or evil force trying to threaten me. My confused mother, holding me tight, tried and failed to explain the forces of air pressure that acted on the door in my dark bedroom that night. 

Perhaps you didn’t think of this as a story, but I think it's important to call it what it is. As a child of six or seven, there was simply no way I could have understood the existence of air as real matter with mass and volume that could act with significant force on the more visible, solid things in my reality. So my brain did what it’s best at, perhaps, if I may be so bold, even what it is meant to do: it told a story. In this case, my associations of apparently self-animating inorganic objects caused a physiological reaction of fear, leading my brain to unfold a scary story of some six-year-old version of demonic forces beyond my perception.

I’ve become so good at telling stories over the years, as many of us have, that it is not only unintentional, but almost unrecognizable. More recently, I told myself a story of redemption. It was a narrative in which I, the morally-matured-and-on-my-way-to self-actualization young adult, felt I had come upon the way I would finally bring myself back to the table with my estranged mother. I finally saw how I could give her the tools to see me on equal terms and simultaneously learn the way of mindfully maintaining my own higher ground rather than sinking myself into the “reality” that was her story. Yes, I’d done it. I’d finally found the way. After more than half a decade of waiting, avoidance, reflection, and growth, I’d finally found the path. 

I was going to teach her about stories and storytelling and about how our interactions were subject to the stories that she was telling herself- and to be fair, the stories I was telling myself- and then approach a reconciliation with a bulwark sensitivity and mindfulness. It all seemed to make sense. It all flowed along the storyline, in narrative pattern. A hook, a time of work and growth, building tension through confrontation until a great climax where she would inevitably- since my methods were correct this time- come around and accept me followed by the happy comedown that follows the reconciliation of long lost loved ones. 

That was the story I told myself. I was so sure of it. I’d matured. I’d grown. I’d been thinking about it for years. How could I be so wrong after so much time and work?

But I was. I was so wrong I’m ashamed to even admit any part of this story. What was I asking her to accept, really? Me? Well, yes, in a sense. But more than that, I was asking her to accept my story. My story that so fundamentally contradicted every aspect of her reality. My story of a genderless, sexually queer, psychadelic, impermanent, internet driven, and most importantly, godless existence. 

My mother, you see, is more or less what we might consider an American Christian Evangelical. A special breed, being of the Mormon tradition, which is in some ways easier and some ways more difficult for me to embrace. Her story is built around ideas like permanence, specifically of the individual and of familial structure. By extension, patriarchal structure and hierarchical structure of god and subject, priesthood holder and disciple. Really, a story with more rigid structure in a sentence than in my entire chapter. 

I’m starting to get a little too big picture here, so I’ll try to reign it back in for the sake of mutual understanding. One example that is perhaps relatable to a vast majority of us by this point. A cough. What does it mean? I had a little bit of a cough today, even a slight headache. This is it, I thought. I have the virus. Everyone in my school will get it. Maybe it’s my fault. Maybe I just manifested symptoms faster. Either way, I have it and our school will shut down. We'll have hundreds of cases in the next couple weeks because I work in a school. I’ll be out of work, so will my colleagues, my friends, the parents of my children. I’m going into the grocery store to buy a few more food items to prepare for quarantine. I walk up to the clerk scanning temperatures as people enter, fully expecting to be just a little over the limit. I make it through. 

But that doesn’t fit my story, so I have to justify it. How? I can change my story by remembering that my family has a quirk where we develop a cough when we’re physically exhausted. That would make sense, I haven’t been sleeping well for a few days. I’ve been working hard. I’ve been stressed. Sure. But I’m a pretty healthy individual and I know my body pretty well, and I just couldn’t convince myself. A cold? No, not like this. There was no other good story. And so my brain found every reason to validate that story. I forgot to wash my hands when I got to school that one day. I opened the door to my apartment building with my bare hands yesterday, maybe I touched my face. I’ve been eating at a local restaurant fairly often. I don’t know their food cleanliness standards, maybe it was there. 

It’s a story we’ve probably all struggled with in the recent past, if not currently. And how much energy have we put into proving or disproving that story? A colleague of mine recently stayed in home quarantine for travel reasons, only to end up fighting this story by himself half the time in what he described as a nightmare of a week (he’s fine). Those of us who have wrestled with this story know how draining it can be. 

But really, it’s no different than any other day. Some stories I live with sound like, ‘I’m the youngest and least experienced at my school, so my ideas are unworthy of sharing.’ Or sometimes, ‘I notice I spend more time prepping than my colleagues, so I must be less capable since I need more time to do the same work.’ These stories are the reason I show up to work at least an hour early every day. They’re the reason I deal with Sunday night anxiety for the first time in my life. They’re the reason I don’t ask for help when part of me knows I should. They’re the reason I finish assignments late. 

The hardest part is that sometimes I’m right! Sometimes I look at a lesson plan or a script written by my colleague and it is objectively of higher quality than my own. And so my brain will confirm its theory. But if I have an idea for a lesson and my colleague says, “Hey, I like that, can I have your template?” No, that’s just a fluke. It’s because I’ve done something similar before at another school. Discard the evidence; it doesn’t fit my story. Thing is, I might not remember the discarded evidence later, even when I should. Even worse, sometimes I get comfortable with a story. Sometimes I want the story to continue, not because it’s good or I like it; no, because it’s familiar. It’s consistent. I already know that story. I know how to cope with it. Anyway, I’m getting a little too big picture again. 

So what stories are you telling yourself?

[kolbisneat]

MONTHLY MEDIA: July 2019

I’ve really stepped up my comics reading having fully embraced my local libraries. You can just borrow them whenever you want! Also saw lots of movies and watched a lot of the Bachelorette. It’s been a good summer. 

……….FILM……….

Midsommer (2019) Oh wow. I’m not one for scary movies but this never felt like a scary movie. Sure it was definitely “horror” in the sense that so much of it is horrific, but it never relied on the typical “scary movie” tactics. For this, I am grateful.

Paddington 2 (2017) The perfect counterpoint and emotional reset after our matinee screening of Midsommer. This video does a better job of explaining why I love these movies, but if you haven’t got the time then know that the Paddington movies are a masterclass in efficient storytelling, visual comedy, and good natured entertainment for all ages. It’s not quite the same as Pixar sneaking in jokes that only adults will get, it’s more that it tells a universal story with familiar characters that land at any age. Just beautiful.

Spider-Man: Far From Home (2019) Okay so I get that illustrating a tie-in book for this movie means I likely can’t be objective, but I really dug the film. Solid themes that carried through to most of the characters and their arcs, as well as some of the most comic-book accurate visuals I could have hoped for. And I really dig the Parker/MJ dynamic here. Ugh it’s just all so good.

Alien (1979) I don’t need to tell you how well this holds up. Still as subversive and terrifying as it was 40 years ago. Still not sure what the alien was doing in the escape pod before Ripley shows up.

The Dead Don’t Die (2019) This was a weird one. Meta zombie movies already exist. Zombies as social commentary already exist. Zombie comedies already exist. I suppose I was just hoping for something...new? It was all of these things, but it didn’t seem to push any individual element into unexplored territory. The cast seemed like they were having a good time, but I don’t think it quite translated to the screen. I’d recommend Shaun of the Dead, Fido, or Zombieland instead.

……….TELEVISION……….

Instant Hotel (Episode 2.01 to 2.06) A 6-episode season of Australian reality tv judging Airbnbs? A cast that includes an 80 year old trying to look 20 and perfect couple who find each other hilarious? Sign me up. It’s available on (Canadian) Netflix but if you can find it, check it out.

Stranger Things (Episode 3.01 to 3.08) Without spoiling too much, I’ll say that this season was on par with the first, and felt better than the second. It’s not as moody and contained, but it really embraces what I take to be the spirit of 80s media. I feel like the early eps were setting up more of a zombie/body-snatchers plot but I don’t think the series likes to stray too far from the core of that first season. Super fun, wildly silly, and once I embraced the lighter tone it really delivered.

Queer Eye (Episode 4.01 to 4.08) This season really seemed to focus on philanthropic and independent businesses and I’m here for it. There was a Wayfair product placement towards the end which...felt out of place given the politics of the show, but dang if this series isn’t a light in the darkness!

Neon Genesis Evangelion (Episode 1.01 to 1.03) What a mood. It’s a slow burn but I’m really digging that the world feels established and that we’ve come into something well after all the big revelations happened. Now that the crazy has settled, we get to spend more time seeing how the crazy affects the day-to-day. Or what the day-to-day looks like in a new, wild world. Digging it.

The Bachelorette (Episode 15.08 to 15.13) Just wild. Watching that rollercoaster with Luke P was excellent television and terrible dating but that finale was *chef’s kiss* perfect.

……….READING……….

Good Omens by Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett (Page 230 of 406) Fun so far! There’s far less of the angel/demon relationship than I expected, but that’s only because I’m going off of what the Amazon show has been promoting. I need to do more research into how they shared the writing because the humour and meandering chapters really feel like Pratchett. I’m keen to see where it all goes!

Mr. Splitfoot by Samantha Hunt (Abandoned) I read half the novel before deciding this one wasn’t for me and it’s not because it wasn’t well-written or an engaging story. I found this on a list of good reads for those who like Wonderland and Alice’s adventures, but I’d say the links between the two were...thin...at best. When you’re expecting fanciful worlds and exaggerated characters, but get far more human (and all too real) trauma then it’s a jarring experience. I read a synopsis of the last 100ish pages that I missed and admit that I think I would’ve been satisfied with the conclusion, but it’s a bummer that the first 60% of the book felt like a holding pattern to get to the good stuff.

Delicious in Dungeon Vol. 5 by Ryoko Kui (Complete) Still one of my favourite fantasy comics. The characters are nuanced and are continuing to get developed, as is the setting and supporting cast! Every so often it’ll break format, but I appreciate that the gimmick (including a monster-based recipe in each chapter) isn’t getting in the way of good storytelling. I love everything about this and you should be reading it.

Superior Spider-Man Vol. 1 & 2 by Dan Slott, Ryan Stegman, Giuseppe Camuncoli, Humbero Ramos, and so many more (Complete) I wasn’t sure about this before picking it up but it’s a fascinating study of Spider-Man. It feels like an answer to all those that focus on plot holes and logic. Doc Ock has taken over Spider-Man’s body and he, as the epitome of troll, is just going through and “fixing” what Peter Parker gets wrong. It’s an interesting study in learning more about someone with opposing views. It even keeps Parker’s spirit around to dramatically and comedically respond to his life being taken over by a villain. It’s good! Not the first Spider-Book you should pick up, but worth reading if you want a spider-change. 

Saga of the Swamp Thing Vol. 1 by Alan Moore, John Totleben, & Steve Bissette (Complete) After hearing good things about the TV series based on this character (still haven’t watched it) I figured I’d check this out. Knowing very little about the character going in, I loved every second of it! It’s a little bit horror, a little bit classic superheroics, and just a touch philosophical. Can’t recommend this enough.

The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl Vol. 2: Squirrel You Know It's True by Ryan North, Erica Henderson,  (Complete) I can’t (and won’t) stop praising this book. It’s fun, creative, and funny! Pitting Squirrel Girl against an evil Squirrel just makes sense and is a fun break from the classic Marvel villains. Hopefully we get back to more of the classics, as that’s what I enjoyed most about volume 1, but it’s good to see that the book doesn’t shy away from variety.

Delilah Dirk and the Turkish Lieutenant by Tony Cliff (Complete) Such a great adventure comic! Set in the early 1800s, it’s like a Female Indiana Jones adventure with all the swashbuckling and plundering that you’d want out of a treasure hunter. Mature in its handling of a number of topics, but done in a light tone and without heavy violence. I think it was sorted as a young adult graphic novel in my library, and that feels fitting. Stellar art and charming characters.

The Undertaking of Lily Chen by Danica Novgorodoff (Complete) Very character driven and an interesting foundation for the story (set in northern China when tradition demanded men be married even after they’ve died). There are really inspiring moments with the watercolour artwork and while it didn’t always resonate with me, it really served the story.

……….GAMING……….

Maze of the Blue Medusa  (Satyr Press) We very nearly had our first character death! Almost multiple! But they’re playing with level 9ish characters and with quick wits it’s proving difficult to defeat them. They’re still kinda wandering around this maze, but I think it’ll all start to come together soon!

And that’s it! As always, feel free to send me anything you recommend to see, read, hear, play, and so on.

Happy Wednesday!

[yasuda-yoshiya]

Sorry I haven’t been around here much lately! The last few weeks (/months, really) have been rough for me, but I’m feeling a bit better at least for now. For now I’ll just drop some overdue thoughts here on some of the things I’ve been watching since I finished Utena:

Princess Tutu

I found Tutu to be a really sweet and charming show with a ton of heart, but I'm also sad to say that I don't think watching it straight after Utena did it any favours for me. Utena portrayed the same kinds of themes around breaking out of predefined narratives in a way that personally hit home for me a lot harder, so Tutu ended up feeling a bit like a watered down version of the same ideas to me... Which is a shame because I do still think it's a really cool show with a lot to like about it! It's visually and aesthetically gorgeous, I adore its whole cosy meta-fairytale atmosphere and the ballet theme and the whole general feel of the show a lot - it just didn't end up leaving that much of a lasting impression on me in the end. I may well come back and revisit it some day, because I feel like I'd probably get more out of it coming in with a clearer idea of what to expect and without Utena's shadow unfairly hanging over it.

For the characters, I loved Ahiru and Fakir! They were both so endearingly earnest and I really liked the respective directions they ended up taking both of their character arcs and their relationship (Fakir passionately rewriting the story to be about Ahiru's bravery and courage at the end made me cry so hard! That's like, the exact kind of individual heartfelt expression of love that hits straight to my heart when it comes to fictional couples, waaaah...)

Mytho and Rue were a bit harder to connect with for me; I felt like I couldn't really get invested in Rue's feelings for Mytho for the most of the show since the backstory around them wasn't revealed until the very end. (I did like Ahiru and Rue's relationship quite a bit, though! That sort of feeling of the narrative artificially pushing them into being enemies when they really could have helped each other as friends was well done.) On Mytho's end I just never clicked at all with the whole raven blood subplot that seemed to dominate his character in the second season, unfortunately. I couldn't make it meaningfully connect for me, even though I had quite liked him as a character in the first half of the series (even in just my generic "hnng cute boys struggling with the idea of having feelings" way). I'd be interested to see on a rewatch whether those two would work better for me having a better idea of where their trajectory was going from the start, since I felt like I didn't really "get" what they were going for with their relationship or how I was supposed to be reading them until the very end (I'm slow okay).

Steven Universe

What an absolutely lovely series! I've been wanting to check this out for a long time, and I'm glad I finally got the chance because it really is excellent. I totally fell in love with the whole Crystal Gem family, and the balance between them all having their own personal issues to deal with while still being able to draw love and support from each other was done really well. I really loved the handling of Steven's PoV in the first couple of the series especially for how they handled his growth around coming to understand that his parental figures are really flawed people who have a lot of baggage to deal with, but also without framing their personal problems or their relationships with each other as being at all within either his power or responsibility to "fix". Instead, his moments of growth are more about more consciously registering the burdens they're under and making those little gestures to ease them wherever he can, like consciously showing appreciation for their parenting efforts with the test, or giving Amethyst more time to vent things out with her friend when she's stressed out instead of asking her to take him home right away. Likewise, on the gems' end, we really get the sense that e.g. Pearl's love for Steven is real and valuable and "saves" her in a very real sense, but also that it's not going to ever fully erase her depression or her grief over losing the life she had with Rose before and that that's okay.

I would say as the show went on, it felt like it lost some of the grounded and occasionally harsh nature that originally drew me to it - the first couple of seasons felt like they had a sort of constant legitimate tension in the background with the gems trying hard to keep things together in a hard situation in a way that still obviously had its cracks in it, and a sort of acknowledgment that "maybe not everything will be okay, but there's still a lot of good in the world and in our relationships that's worth living for", which I appreciated. Whereas I felt like they moved a bit more towards unambiguously positive resolutions as the show went on, with a bit less of that willingness to leave things "unresolved". (Of course the show still has a lot of those moments, like the reveal of Rose's past in particular, but even then I wished that the fallout from the reveal and its lasting impact on the gems was given more time and weight than it was.) That feeling culminated for me in the finale of series 5 and the way the plot with the diamonds was resolved, where it felt like the show pretty much parted ways with reality entirely and fully embraced a kind of ideal fantasy positivity.

But I don't think that's necessarily a totally bad thing, either - it's still a very genuine and heartfelt kind of positivity that can be hard to find in narratives as unapologetically queer as SU is (especially in media targeted at young kids!) and I'm sure a lot of people really need that gap filled in their lives, so I can't really bring myself to resent it overall. The characters remain as endearing and lovable as ever, the show still made me smile from beginning to end, and all in all I have nothing but great appreciation for all the important ground it's willing to tread as a kids' show touching on a lot of extremely relevant contemporary issues in a positive and responsible way. It honestly makes me feel really happy and hopeful to think of kids getting to grow up with a show like this! So while I might personally have ended up resonating more with the show if they'd taken a different direction, I feel like I still have a lot of respect and understanding for the route they did end up taking, too, and I'm glad to have experienced it.

Mob Psycho 100

I thought this was a very cool and interesting show! As "deconstructing shounen tropes" series go, I feel like this one successfully hits a unique sort of sweetspot for me in the way that, rather than brutally tearing apart shounen conventions out from the roots (which is also something I can enjoy a lot when it's done well!), it's instead focusing on taking a lot of the genuinely positive ideas that draw people to shounen - the ability to overcome adversity through personal growth and "the power of bonds/friendship", positivity in the face of despair, and so on - and re-examining them through a more grounded context that asks "Okay, but what does that actually look like in the real world?" Because, you know, it definitely DOESN'T look like people with magical god-given superpowers blasting through everything that challenges them with the sheer force of their specialness and their pre-assigned role as the "main character", right?

So I was really impressed by Mob as a series for not only being so thorough about deconstructing that (to the point that the voice encouraging Mob to use his powers more and be a super special hero is an outright "devil on the hero's shoulder" kind of character!), but also for going that extra step to examining what real positive growth actually DOES look like. I felt like the series did a remarkably insightful job overall (especially in the second series) of sort of gently but firmly differentiating "real growth" from "shounen growth" in that sense. I really loved those little touches like the Emi episode, where the viewer is effectively led to expect a moral about how "people will like you more if you act more genuine and be yourself!" - but then the show very deliberately switches gears to the idea that trying to be more genuine is already worthwhile in and of itself, just because you're living in the world with a more conscious awareness of what's important to you and standing up for the things you care about, and how that authentic way of living can inspire other people and have a positive impact on them too.

And similarly, I absolutely love Mob and Reigen's weird, messy, problematic relationship being the emotional centrepiece of the series, because it's the exact opposite of the kind of friendship you'd expect to be centred in a "POWER OF BONDS!!" themed show, but that's also why it just... really really works! It's such a humble and near-accidental and flawed and limited connection, and I love that Reigen is also allowed to impact Mob in negative ways and have selfish motivations and be unambiguously portrayed as a genuinely pathetic and terrible person and a bad influence on him too, and that the show doesn't remotely shy away from that - and yet somehow it still absolutely shines through that both of them would be worse off without each other, that the "power of their bond" really has changed them both for the better as people. Not through any incredible magic connection, but just through those little moments where they save each other through things like Reigen telling Mob "It's okay to run away", or Mob telling Reigen "You're a good guy".

Because the show is so upfront about the limitations of their "bond", it really does make the emphasis on its positive impact and how fortunate the two of them are to have been influenced by each other really work and have value, I think - because it comes across as that kind of approachable, recognisable "miracle" that really can and does happen in people's daily lives. It doesn’t claim to be a perfect friendship, or to have the capability to fix all their individual problems just by existing, but it does still come across loud and clear that they’ve been a genuinely positive force in each other’s lives. I definitely came away from it with a greater appreciation for those little chance encounters and humble relationships that have helped me and shaped me as a person! On the whole, I'm sure the show isn't for everyone, but I would definitely recommend it to anyone who enjoys shounen as a genre at all, because I feel that it really works as a remarkably critical and self-aware yet loving celebration of the spirit behind those kinds of stories.

[jkl-fff]

Trollhunters, what could’ve been cool for Troll society ...

(A follow-up to this post: https://jkl-fff.tumblr.com/post/186912327594/trollhunters-au)

World-building in an original way, I fully acknowledge, is not easy.  This is probably why most sci-fi and fantasy series don’t have  original species and cultures so much as they have …  humans wearing funny clothes and/or with animalistic features,  and human cultures with a few tweaks  (usually European-based ones, if we’re being brutally honest).  And when they do have something original— something entirely non-human—it usually is relegated to being  something of a backdrop in front of which  the completely human characters play out completely human dramas.

It’s understandable, but a bit frustrating, too, because we either  get something that lacks creativity …  or we get something purely superficial—some premise  that might be interesting, but will never be explored because  the writer(s) never extrapolated it beyond being a background detail.  Can’t have the story or the audience look too closely at the species  or the cultures then, because they’ll turn out to be  internally inconsistent to the point of ludicrousness.  This is actually one of my biggest pet peeves  in most sci-fi and fantasy series …  Or perhaps not a “pet peeve” per se so much as a disappointment;  potential was had, but the potential was wasted.

Well, anyway, here’s some musings I had about  what Trolls could’ve been from Trollhunters if we’d committed  a little more to having them be truly different from Humans.

Trolls have asexual reproduction, and thus genders that do *NOT*  refer back to a female-male binary (if “gender” is even still  the right word anymore when all reference to biological sex is removed?  but that’s a queer theory question for the queer philosophers  to discuss another time).  Why? Well, they seem to be silicon-based instead of carbon-based.  Also, magic. Let’s embrace those two weird and wonderful premises!

Instead of via sperm and ovum gestation like for plants and animals,  new Trolls are born when a parent (neither mother nor father)  carves their new child (neither son nor daughter) out of some material …  and then places a piece of their own soul-crystal  (also called a grunk-nuk) in them.  The material is usually stone, but could be wood, metal, plastic …  or any solid substance with a sufficient amount of silicon in it.  This is why Troll physiology is so diverse  (body shape, number of limbs and horns, and eyes, etc.).  What springs to life (once the grunk-nuk has diffused enough  crystal particles through the body) is fully-formed *physically*,  but *mentally* is like a newborn that will now need to be taught  how to speak, take care of itself, and be a productive member  of their tribe and society. Naturally, the parent is primarily responsible  for “raising” the child until the child is deemed to have reached maturity,  like with Humans (if babies started off as big and strong as adults).

Grunk-nuks grow over time, being (soul) *crystals*, but slowly.  Thus Trolls reproduce slowly. And drunk-nuks are the source of a Troll’s life, that’s why Trollhunter Rule #3 is so effective in stopping them;  kicking someone in the grunk-nuks will cause a great deal of debilitating pain, can stun them to the point of temporary paralysis … or even outright kill them. (This is *usually* if not *exclusively* why grunk-nuks are placed  *inside* the crotch between the legs and tail, where they’re less exposed.)

Furthermore, UV radiation reacts destructively to grunk-nuks  (quickly via short-term exposure to direct sunlight or slowly  via long-term exposure to reduced sunlight or manmade UV radiation),  which is why they can’t go out during a clear day. Also why they petrify  upon dying. Also thus, the older a Troll gets (if they don’t reproduce),  the larger their grunk-nuk becomes.  Meaning these (like Vendel or Gunmar), possess greater magical power  (and are believed to be wiser, though that’s technically just a stereotype …  this is colloquially called “having big grunk-nuk energy”).  However, this does also make such Trolls weaker against daylight  *if* they don’t find a magical means to reinforce their constitutions  and/or protect themselves from it (like Gunmar does both  in seeking Eternal Night, and in using magic to make it so  only the Eclipse Blade can kill them).

With regards to “gender” (or whatever the best identity-term is),  that has more to do with tribe than anything else.  Meaning most tribes have an expected/assigned-at-birth “look”  (the materials used to make their children’s bodies,  the shape those children’s bodies will be, any etchings to make “tattoos”, presence and placement of moss/fungus/plants to make “hair”)  along with language/accent, clothing styles, and behavioral/social norms.  Troll tribes, thus, tend to be quite homogenous  (the Quagawumps, the Krubera) … but don’t have to be.  Trollmarket is quite a diverse melting pot, for example, being  a metropolis society made up many different and commingling tribes  whose residents are freer in how they act and design their children  (Khanjigar, notably, carved Draal like no other Troll ever had …  Draal was Assigned-Warrior-at-Birth, basically).  BUT, as with Humans, assigned gender can be bucked;  AAARRRGGHH!!! is the Troll equivalent of genderfluid because  they deliberately present far differently from the average Krubera.

Sexuality as Humans think of it isn’t a thing for Trolls, what with them  being asexual by nature. However, they can and do pick lifemates,  can and do express intimacy with them by giving physical pleasure …  it just isn’t in the ways Humans give *sexual* pleasure.  For example, kissing isn’t a thing among Trolls, though they have  an equivalent: pressing foreheads together  and/or tenderly touching each other’s faces and hands.  Tracing along another Troll’s etchings is considered quite intimate,  as is grooming their “hair”, buffing/polishing their features  (fangs, horns, crags, etc.), and all other displays of emotional attachment  (think the Love Languages).  This means, happily, that Blinky and AAARRRGGHH!!! are extremely gay  by Troll standards, just as they are by Human standards. And why not?  They’ve been lifemates since Trollmarket was founded centuries ago.

Changelings are Trolls made of clay moistened with Human blood.  This is why, with a Familiar, they can take an entirely Human appearance  (even surviving direct sunlight) and appear more humanoid than other Trolls.  It’s also why they’re considered “Impure”; being made out of  Human remains (and even made to have Human biologies, including  those *weird* Human sexes) they’re deemed to be practically Human.  It’s a weird kind of racism *and* sexism all rolled into one.

In terms of diet, Trolls can eat anything to maintain physical form, but *need* to drink Heartstone silicates to maintain mental health  (which is why Troll settlements are built around Heartstone clusters).  Otherwise, they’ll either start to get more feral, aggressive, etc. OR go into a kind of hibernation. They don’t excrete waste like Humans do, but shed used materials  off their skin like a kind of dust or stone flakes.  When in times of sickness, it becomes like a paste or mud. As such, they don’t have privates to cover with clothing, nor need it to protect them from the environment, but will wear clothing for  social reasons (flaunt wealth, show importance, the fun of fashion, etc.)

So … yeah! Let me know what you think about these ideas!

[mswyrr]

more captain marvel thoughts

Rather than thinking she was “flat” I thought Carol’s quiet confidence was incredibly persuasive. A lot of the time people make “strong” female leads super pushy and in your face and that’s fine. I mean, I find it sometimes obnoxious actually - like, to me that kind of pushiness is a sign of weakness rather than strength. Whether the lead is female or male. But it’s an okay choice. But her quiet, watchful confidence felt organic as the behavior of someone with a lot of power and experience who has no need to show off. Who’s on “enemy”/uncertain territory and sussing things out. Especially in the scenes in the facility where she’s watching things play out and making choices about her buddy partnership with Fury.

There’s real nuances to her confusion and grief even as her training and competence carries her along. I would have loved more with her family, but what we got was good.

Being in the position where your best friend is your emergency contact/next of kin is itself a pretty... non-standard family thing. And canonically that was Carol’s life situation. It’s something I’ve had to wrestle over because I don’t have bio family I can fully rely on due to various reasons. Anyway, it really hit me that Maria was the one who had Carol’s possessions after her death - she was Carol’s next of kin and the Rambeaus are Carol’s family. There’s limits to how much these films are willing to depict in terms of queerness - but that resonated with my queer experience in a way that felt very grounded and made me tear up, honestly. That’s a queer experience of life (though straight people make and find themselves in non-traditional families too for various reasons) and I really felt Carol as a hero whose life resonates with my own struggles - and I appreciated that.

I’m well aware they’re highly unlikely to make explicit in canon that she’s queer in the films - but the handling of things here worked for me. I hope we see more of Maria and Monica in future films. That the core of her as a member of the Rambeau family continues to ground her emotional life. It was the deepest we saw into her emotionally... and as much as, yes, I was okay with her quiet competence, they do need to dig deeper on future films.

NICK FURY. Man, I hope we get to see Carol interact with him in her next movie - their friendship/buddy team up was great. They’re wary of each other but they get each other’s measure pretty quick too. They’re a certain kind of soldier and they’re people of honor and that’s a lot in common to work from. Again, rather quietly: I like the parts where you can sense their minds clicking away as they’re figuring each other out underneath the surface banter.

It’s so great that Talos reuniting with his wife and daughter is there - it makes this implied parallel with Carol reuniting with Maria and Monica that, again... is a lot, within the limits of what these movies are willing to do. I love that the family of humans who embrace and make peace with the family of the Skrull survivors is majority African American. It’s a lovely note. This is NOT a film where human = white and alien = metaphor for race or something. Humanity is diverse.

I don’t need a 2 hour popcorn flick to try to tell me what I should think about the US military so I have no problem with the way the film studiously avoided commenting on earth/us politics at all... and in the story of a Navy Pilot finding out she’s participating in something imperialist and apologizing and trying to repair that there’s.... not dots connected, exactly, but they’re evoking a feeling an audience member can mull over, that’s all. About how when someone makes themselves a tool of a particular government that can go a lot of places. I don’t need more than that. And, frankly? I’d find it offensive if a Disney movie tried to tell me what to think about these issues. It’s not their place as a mega-corporation to do that. And they were NOT as rah-rah US military as some people claim IMO: it was entirely a background thing. They focused on Kree politics/imperialism, as they should. And the sexism/homophobia of the US military loomed in the background quietly too.

Speaking of 2 hours - I liked that it moved along nicely. Sure, that gave it the sense of not digging as deep as it might have, but it almost felt like a prologue to Carol’s story? Hopefully the next film (with the Endgame etc etc plot stuff accomplished) can go much deeper. Probably on Carol’s relationship with grown Monica.