#I know this lab from big cat genetics

[why-animals-do-the-thing]

Do you have a snoot noodle or other variation of sighthound? If yes, there’s new heart health research for the breed happening!

A researcher at Texas A&M whose work I’m familiar with is starting a new study looking at genetic factors contributing to heart disease in Borzoi and related breeds. They just put out a call for dog owners who are willing to submit saliva samples & (noodle) medical records. Studies like this need a big sample size! They’re accepting new sign-ups starting now until March 1, 2025, for dogs both in the US and internationally.

Let’s help make some science!

From the study page:

“Background and purpose

Recent research in Borzoi dogs has revealed that dogs of this breed experience sudden, unexplained death. About 85% of sudden, unexplained deaths in humans are linked to an underlying heart disease. Our existing research in Borzoi dogs has shown that they are predisposed to developing arrhythmias (abnormal heart rhythms) and dilated cardiomyopathy (a heart muscle disease causing dilated heart chambers and weak pumping function).

Due to our documentation of the frequency of these conditions in Borzoi dogs, we seek to identify responsible genetic variations similar to what is seen in humans with electrical cardiac diseases that trigger arrhythmias and dilated cardiomyopathy.

The objective of our study is to identify genetic mutations associated with heart disease in Borzoi dogs and document their existence in other sighthound breeds.

What happens in this study

We are collecting saliva samples from both healthy Borzoi and Borzoi dogs affected with arrhythmias and/or dilated cardiomyopathy. We will also collect saliva samples from any other sighthound breeds.

We will extract DNA from these samples and perform genomic sequencing on a select number while retaining the remainder for further screening.By analyzing the sequencing data, we can compare the genes of healthy and affected Borzoi dogs and identify variants linked to their heart conditions. We will also compare the findings in Borzoi dogs to results from other sighthound breeds.

Pet owner responsibilities

A swab kit will be sent to you for at home use along with a link to an instructional video on how to properly obtain a swab of the mouth. The kit will contain equipment to collect the saliva swab, a history form for your pet, a client consent form and a shipping label to return samples to us.

Participation requirements

To participate, you must have a Borzoi dog or a sighthound breed that is either healthy or affected by arrhythmias and/or dilated cardiomyopathy. Pets may be any age or sex. Electronic or paper veterinary medical records will need to be provided.

Benefits and risks of participating

There is little to no risk for taking a brief swab of the mouth for saliva collection if procedures outlined in the video are followed. No individual genetic test results will be provided to study participants.

Compensation

There is no cost to the owner for participating in this study. No compensation will be provided.”

[suzukiblu]

WIP guessing game: "Robin"

Superboy has existed for about six months at best (five months, two weeks, and six days, but who's creepily spying on their fellow heroes and vigilantes? not Tim, for sure) and was created in a lab full of extremely niche genetic experiments whose creators very rarely bothered making look human, which is probably why he has some weird ideas about certain social norms.

Tim assumes that's why the guy just decided to drop a very annoyed Catwoman on him out of nowhere, anyway.

"The fuck?" he says, though through his vocoder it comes out more like the incoherent screeching of the damned. That being, well, the whole purpose of the vocoder and all. Superboy grins down at him from the nighttime sky all bright and sunny and weirdly adorable, for being a lab-grown weapon and a guy who is technically capable of disassembling Tim down to his individual atoms with, like, a touch and about two seconds' worth of thought.

Not that Tim has been creepily spying on anyone or said anyone's Cadmus files, again.

Also Superboy might not even know he can do that yet, so it's really not a smart thing to mention right now.

"Hey, man!" Superboy greets cheerfully. "She was breaking into that big museum a couple blocks over, figured you'd care about that. As opposed to, like, breaking into some rich asshole with insurance's penthouse. Figured you would not have cared about that."

"The museum also has insurance, for the record," Selina informs him sourly as she makes an art of getting off her unceremoniously roof-dumped ass while looking like being on this roof was her idea to begin with. Because, like: Selina. "And has not properly sourced the artifacts in their new Bast exhibit."

I know, that's why I was on my way to the museum to keep an eye out for you, is what Tim does not say, since Robin is supposed to be a splintered aspect of a mysterious all-knowing city spirit given human form and not just, like, a really dedicated teenager surviving on semi-legal energy drinks and conspiracy-board detective work and the occasional occult ritual to summon the Batman.

What he does do is jerkily cock his head and say, "Preyyyyy?", and let his vocoder horribly mangle the word into a sound usually best described as "unholy avian screeching". Superboy beams, which is not a normal reaction to hearing Robin's voice. Selina just rolls her eyes, but Selina of course knows about the whole "really dedicated teenager surviving on semi-legal energy drinks and conspiracy-board detective work and the occasional occult ritual to summon the Batman" thing.

Like she's never summoned the Batman for anything, geez. Or "Bruce", as an eight year-old Dick Grayson had once upon a time decided to randomly dub him. Tim still can't call the eternal and unsleeping eldritch protector of their city that without feeling like he's going to spontaneously combust, but it is in fact a thing that the Batman will answer to.

Might as well call Pennyworth "Alfie", though.

Jason was even worse at names than Dick, Tim is pretty sure.

"Yeah!" Superboy says, sounding still more cheerful and floating down the rest of the way to the roof to land lightly in front of Tim. Selina eyes him in a way that would end very badly for anyone who was not functionally invulnerable. "I mean, she seems cool and all but I dunno, figured the Bat wasn't big on Cats in his territory. And also the criming. Definitely also the criming."

"How . . . find Robin?" Tim asks. Superboy doesn't have enhanced senses, as far as he knows, so . . .

"Oh, I've been stalking you," Superboy explains. Tim blinks behind his unblinking mask and feels several ways about that statement. "That's what you Bats all do when you're interested in somebody, right? So I figured you'd like it if I did it back."

. . . Tim feels several ways about that statement.

[androdragynous]

EFIT THANK YOU ANON ITS AREA 50.5 BY AKRIL15!!!

hi help me find a game for my friend . ANY information about it would be great, we're pretty sure it doesn't exist online any more but I am a miracle worker. anyways

The Game As Remembered By Fusgia:

point and click 2d DeviantArt game of someone's OC / original character, played as a puma / cougar / mountain lion lab experiment with human hands. Goal was to escape / get out of the lab. Plot is barely remembered but there was a globe you can click on and spin and the puma points at a spot to say they could go there / visit. When you get out of the lab you are in a house with a bed overlooking a window

this reddit thread appears to be describing the same game (copied below the break for search indexing), but hasn't had a successful find yet

If you know ANYTHING about this game or the creator, or (miracle upon miracle) you're the creator, please get in touch!! Shares are very welcome!! Kiss

[Browser][2010s] DeviantArt flash game where a big cat must escape an underground lab that has a minor twist ending

EDIT: Realized that my initial estimate of the early to mid 2010s was a few years too late to be correct. My only excuse is that I'm stupid.

Platform(s): Browser

Genre: Point and click. It could possibly be categorized further as an escape the room game.

Estimated year of release: Considering that I played it during or a bit after DeviantArt's heyday, I think it's safe to say that it was at some point in the late 2000s to early 2010s.

Graphics/art style: It was 2d and, if I'm recalling it correctly, had a "yeah I saw Disney movies growing up and now I draw animals in a similar way" style to it.

Notable characters: The main character. They were a puma/cougar/mountain lion, or at the very least a big cat with the same sort of coloration. The big thing about the character was that they had human hands. No, I'm not talking about an anthro character that just happened to have extremely human-looking hands. I mean like a full on quadruped but the front paws were just hands.

Notable gameplay mechanics: I don't think it was super unique mechanically for an escape/point-and-click game. The only weird thing about it came from the fact that the main character could use their hands to interact with the environment rather than the gameplay itself.

Other details:

-The main character is a genetic experiment who, after waiting for the scientist who was either responsible for them or bonded with them to return for a long time, finally decides to escape the underground lab they are being kept in.

-Not sure how right this is, but I want to say that the puma and main scientist were both female. There was also at least one other scientist mentioned that was male.

-The underground lab was basically one big room.

-The game ends with the main character escaping the lab and being found by the side of the road. We then cut to a news report on the character and see that rather than humans, the world is populated by anthropomorphic animals. The main character wasn't an experiment in splicing human and animal genes, but in splicing together anthro and regular animals.

[satuwn]

i have decided to randomly infodump about my lab rats as a way to motivate myself to: 1) revamp existing characters old refs and 2) DRAW THE GD REFERENCES OF THE REST OF THE BITCHES (this will probably take me ages still. alas), more rambly details abt the story and characters under the cut

the main characters: Dr. Kitty Whisker and her twin sibling Happy(tbd), Dr. Brainworms, Gummi (comic relief character mostly), Prof. Fuzzybottom(tbd) and Prof. Snakebite (previously known as prof. pinky, i need to redesign him more heavily)

the side characters (these guys may have side stories of their own but theyre mostly just an excuse for me to design more weird lab rats): Prof. Smartypants - ref to be finished, ferret with a brain of a human, she is my 'authors blatant self insert' into my own story lol; Fishsticks (drawn, a dissected mouse/frog stitched together), (the rest of these dont have names yet) a rat/chick hybrid with funy lil chicken legs, a rat/gator/shark hybrid she is punk and goth and she Bites, a mouse/cat dna mix with a surprisingly tragic backstory that im still working out, more tba

each lab rat represents usually an amalgamation of different experiments as the lab they are in is 'cheap' with their test subjects and likes to Repurpose old, usually failed experiments and do other stuff to them! honestly even if theyre a success they still end up getting experimented on more lol but they are still unimportant enough and the lab big enough where they can hide themselves away and have their own space w/o being actively searched for. ofc the world of the setting is based on our own reality but way more Hyperreal, i dont aim to represent logical feats of science bc a lot of these guys would defs be revolutionary (and impossible) irl lol. i will briefly run down what each main character is a result of but ideally id like to go into more detail when i actually. make the story more visual in whatever format i decide to do (probably experimental and non linear snippets, i dont think im smart enough for a full comic)

Dr. Kitty and Happy are twins! they were the result of an experiment where the scientists were testing if one species of rodent could gestate a different species of rodent just thru a little genetic modification. and that was Happy! he is actually a bunny born from a rat mother and with all rat siblings (one of them being Kitty) hes a bit smaller in stature than a usual bunny being more rat sized but other than that just a bnuuy! further experiments on them was how well skin grafting would work between different yet similar species. it worked for Kitty (hence the bunny ear) but not so much for Happy... both of them had separate experiments done on them also, altho Kitty was more rebellious of the two earning her the shock collar. Happy also had experiments on his fur to make it color changing like a chameleon, as well as some experiments to his eye (tbd)

Dr. Brainworms is actually a sapient amoeba/bacteria type thing, attached to a host body(that happens to be a hairless rat), this host body is her most compatible one as she Can overtake and control other bodies but they start to decay pretty quickly. her history is something she herself is trying to find out as her host body is its own mystery.. is she just an amoeba that gainted sentience? is her mind really her own? was this body maybe always hers? who knows!

Gummi is a jelly belly gummy rat candy brought to life, pretty self explanatory... but shes got a few mysteries of her own! like, why was she even created, for what purpose, i mean who could even do such advanced science anyway to bring an inorganic candy to life, and Why does she keep talking abt a scientist with green gloves when there arent any scientists like that around?

Prof. Fuzzybottom is a rabbit! she used to be just used for breeding new test subjects which left her pretty traumatized not being able to keep any of her children, she became infertile from the stress so she was repurposed for other experiments, like trying to turn her fur to naturally be an unnatural color, and to be more synthetic like faux fur (aka a living plush) she was also blind so they replaced her eyes with a plushy sleeping mask that actually has LEDs inside that are hooked up to her brain to see if they could restore vision thru cybernetics. in her original iteration she was even supposed to be half rat half bunny buut i felt it too much, might still reuse the idea tho! tbh i just wanted a bunny with cute rat hands :3

Prof. Snakebite is not even a lab rat originally, he was simply a pinky rat used to feed the lab snakes, but due to freak circumstances he was actually still alive and after being bitten by a venomous snake, the stress hormones in his little body make him develop rapidly especially in brain power. as he was still very tiny and fragile, he wasnt the best subject to experiment on, but he was fitted with a brain chip originally just to read and analyze his brain development as he was much more advanced in mind than in body (of an almost newborn). after escaping he would upgrade his brain chip to help him utilize more brain power but also lessen the burden on his tiny body that could not handle the strain. he and prof. fuzzybottom are always hanging around each other, fuzzy very often babying him or just helping him out by carrying him and helping him reach places or handle objects, while he begrudgingly tolerates her as she is useful to his needs. also cant admit he appreciates her actually awww

the rest of the side characters are pretty self explanatory, theyre mostly just various animal hybrids and crossbreeds and splices! smh only the main characters get cool powers and shit -_- aside from Prof. Smartypants, after having a ferrets body fitted with a human mind(who doesnt remember the human part almost at all. its just the advanced intellect from it) tries to figure out the weird body dysmorphia with Science Potions aka chemisty. but thats mostly just to give another one of my sonas shapeshifting ablities (go figure) so yah if u read this so far Waow o_o Thank U and also Pls Send me asks abt this. if u want <3 can be questions or just ur thoughts ig!! id love feedback pleas please plea

[mdhwrites]

Ruan Mei: Pure Evil or Misunderstood

TL:DR: I am not about to say Ruan Mei is some pure soul who is just an uwu baby. However, many of her intentions are flatly misconstrued and even fewer have the simple question of "Why?" directed to them. Unless her actions and words are entirely at odds with each other after all, shouldn't we test our hypothesis against her as a person and see if they square at all? Because they just don't.

Okay, let's start with the REAL big crime on her list... Or actually, the lesser of them to most and hence why it's memed more often: 'Resurrecting the Swarm'. I went back and forth on starting with this or the Cake Cats but I think they work better with a foundation on her methods while Skaracabaz lays that better.

So first, bluntly: Her goal was never to 'Resurrect the Swarm'. Hell, that's not even something she could do because the Swarm still exist. We've fought them in reality even before her continuance. The Swarm Disaster is dead but she's not reviving Tayzaronth (if again, that is possible) but just one of THEIR emanators. Could she cause a swarm outbreak on Herta's Spaceship? Sure but that's actually explicitly why we're here because she is not interested in that biproduct of her research. She is not interested in the destruction of the Space Station, why would that even be her goal?

She's actually pretty explicit with her goal: She wants Aeons. She wants to become one and as such must research Aeonic beings. As an emanator, Skaracabaz is an Aeonic being... But then why Skaracabaz? Why remake an emanator when others exist? Hell, others that she can get ahold of pretty easily? Now yes, Herta is a puppet and Screwllum is a machine... But what about Stephen? She knows how to manipulate him. She hides within the SU beneath anyone else's notice and could theoretically get his positional data from when he logs into it. That would be all she needed to get an emanator, because the geniuses are all blessed by Nous directly, thus making them emanators, for her research. One that couldn't fight back and posed no risks and thus would be easier to handle.

That's not one we have an explicit answer to but this is when we get into who she is as a person. Which leaves you less vulnerable to problems occurring outside of your control? Resurrecting the dead or kidnapping someone who is a vital part of a project run by geniuses? Which is even more useful? She makes one mistake and her test subject is now a corpse and the corpses of emanators are not hard to get ahold of in theory, there's been many. Make an emanator though and you can make them over and over and over again, while also proving that you are coming closer and closer to being able to make an Aeon. You need an emanator who has ample biological samples of similar makeup though, i.e. the Swarm who multiply off of one another instead of the genetic inconsistencies of humans, and with historical data that can help fill in other aspects of what it was, which can be accomplished through historical records and the SU. And if you succeed or fail, who cares? Succeed and you have a pet emanator of Propagation that you can freely experiment upon, her excess research actually enabling a better understanding of the Swarm and thus likely better ways to fight the Swarm. Fail and at best, you end up with no emanator like what happened in the continuance. At worse, you nuke the lab and kill the emanator in the process while you wash your hands of it. At absolute worst, you die and the emanator gets to call this galaxy its own which is no different from any other place currently consumed by the Swarm, like wherever Argenti and us flew into.

So then... Why Herta's? Well that's actually pretty damn easy because let's look at those contingencies. The worst case scenario requires no one to be able to pull the pin and destroy the lab. Ruan Mei explicitly set up her lab in an extraneous part of the station that could be destroyed and detached without harm to the rest of the station. Put a dead man switch in her that sends a recording to Asta and/or Herta saying "Hey, I messed up, you have a bug to nuke from orbit, my apologies," and the absolute worst case scenario isn't possible. And you might ask why but...

If she didn't care at all about the effects of her experiments, why make our speech impediment temporary? She has no need to avoid long term harm to us so why not make sure that we lose memory of the whole situation? Or for that matter, why was she concerned about Herta? Remember, she has us come to the meeting explicitly so she can better lie to Herta if Herta has caught on to her experiments and is upset about them. She is actually so concerned about the potential of being attacked on this front that she forgets who Herta is despite how much she analyzes others and their weaknesses. Again, strictly admitted by her when we leave the meeting and she feels silly for having been worried in the first place. She doesn't show it well but she doesn't seem to want to bring harm to others. In fact, that's potentially why she is such a hermit. It's just that she also doesn't care about others own affairs. She'll try and make sure not to destroy an apartment building if she can help it but help you move a couch in there? That sounds like a you problem.

...Though put a pin in that.

Now, even with all of this said, and her own claims to having things under control, she is still absolutely putting lives at risk by reviving Skaracabaz. Even if for the sake of expanding the Circle of Knowledge, it is still morally gray to risk reviving someone that dangerous. Why was that her first go to?

It wasn't. The Cake Cats were.

They were meant to be on par with geniuses, which means they theoretically could have brought Nous' attention upon themselves and became emanators, if they were not just made to be emanators to begin with. Emanators that were easily reproducable, who's values could be tweaked both for control and experimentation and who's only dangerous quality is if you make an evil one who wants to use their non existent hands to build a doomsday device. They are harmless.

And they were never meant to know Ruan Mei existed. Yeah, let's talk about the second catastrophic claim about Ruan Mei finally "She made the cats love her and then abandoned them."

You remember they're failures right? No, this isn't to say they should be abandoned because they're failures but that they did not end up behaving or being anything like Ruan Mei expected. She herself admits they exhibit abnormal behavior and what in Ruan Mei's character says she would have wanted them to worship her like a goddess or mother? She has no interest in connections after all. She only teamed up for the SU because it would further her research. She wants us to entirely forget our main interactions with her. All she cares about is her research, not some sort of idolatry. So... Why do the cake cats worship her?

Because life is fucking weird man. Why is it that so many cake cats who look like our friends also behave like our friends? These things make little sense personality wise and they're amazing for that. The fact that you can put three of these attempted synthetic geniuses on a table and they'll complain about not having a fourth for Celestial Jade is hilarious and very clearly not what Ruan Mei intended.

And as far abandoning them... She's on a space station. The airlock is a much easier option than the one she took for them. Instead, she pulled a Herta and went "Asta, they're now your problem because I have more important research to do." This is COLD but... Is it any different than how Herta treats the Curios in her collection? We only question this more because Ruan Mei deals with the cycle, improvement, evolution and study of living beings. If she coddled all of them that she made though, let every cute face she's put on something make her stick around to research a dead end, she'd never get anywhere and she would start to actively resent her creations. She is not soulless though so what she made she will not then execute if they do not have to be. Skaracabaz is dead because he was a dead end that could not continue existing, nor should have continued existing after research with him was done and we have no reason to think Ruan Mei would have let him live. The cake cats though? There might be something for a mundanite to learn there so let them be cared for and... And maybe she'll come back, if it distresses them so much for her to leave them entirely. Because she does claim to plan to come back and she does still have meetings for the SU to attend every now and then. She can take her snack breaks with her children.

And that gets us to our last point: She's changing. She ended her solitude with the SU and for the first time in a looooong time, she has had people she might consider caring about. Consider her guard down for. Consider putting herself in danger for.

Which brings us to the spoiler section of this blog: The Unknowable Domain. Specifically, its final portion. I'll spoil Ruan Mei's part but it still requires spoiling the twist of it and while it is my least favorite version of the SU, EEEASILY, the ending is still a knock out to me, even if it has some pretty bad problems of its own. Okay? Okay.

Remember that pin I put in earlier? Ruan Mei admits to being concerned about Herta. Hertamei enjoyers rejoice! In fact, she admits to always having been worried about things between Herta and Polka so jealous Hertamei enjoyers especially rejoice! But this is genuinely a big fucking deal. She is admitting to attachment. To something that could be used against her and to caring about anything besides her research, when in her original continuance she at least tries to veil her concerns with it always being that such problems might get in the way of her research. There is no excuse here.

It's even better though. Ruan Mei's Occurrence has her explicitly state that no one else knows about her little slice of SU. However, in giving us safety and help from Polka, she brings us into that slice WITH HERTA. She reveals her safe space and the place from which she could as she pleases in the SU to the person who might get the most upset about it and remove it just to help us. Help us when she didn't need to because as Herta says, Ruan Mei claimed she wasn't coming. Why would she? Polka is the killer of geniuses. Why would Ruan Mei risk ever being in the same galaxy as her, let alone the same room? Not unless there was something she cared about in that room too. The SU isn't in danger though. Herta is not about to ask about the Aeons. This isn't helping her research, just her friends.

Ruan Mei is currently undergoing a metamorphasis of her own but I hope with all of this, you're starting to see why she has always been the Path of Harmony. Why she is in concert with life, even if her own odd, skewed way, instead of actively malicious towards it. Or, bare minimum, that you found this a neat deep dive into her motivations and character, even if you don't agree. I personally still really need to write that Hertamei idea I got of those two words haunting Herta. Maybe I'll see you for that next tale and have a good day.

======+++++======

A lot of this brought to you thanks to my brother who's second Limited 5 star was Ruan Mei and who he has been digging into ever since and helped give me the insights that expanded into this whole blog. Also, admittedly, this blog comes to you because I think a few of the girls in Star Rail get really shafted into being portrayed as pure evil when everything in Star Rail is more complicated than that. Well, except maybe Dr. Primitive. Fuck that guy.

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead. If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

A Twitter you can follow too

And a Kofi if you like what I do and want to help out with the fact that disability doesn’t pay much.

[weaselle]

i'm not the kind of person who pays much attention to the personal lives of the artists i like

C. J. Cherryh has a large selection of sci-fi/fantasy to read from (she's been publishing books forever and she just had one come out this month (book number 22 in a series, out of 80 published books) and even though i've loved her work and been reading her books for years and years, i didn't know that much about her

but i just looked her up a little bit ago, and it turns out that she lives with her wife :) who is a sci-fi and fantasy artist with a few published books of her own! which really warms the heart.

She got her start writing fanfic of Flash Gordon as a young girl and was first published in the late seventies and i really like her as an author

Some books written by C. J. Cherryh that i particularly enjoy:

Cyteen and Regenesis

These two books together tell one story from her Alliance - Union universe, in which she has set 18 novels, so there will be interesting cross overs if reading the rest.

The story itself follows a girl in a big space lab that genetically designs humans, who discovers that not only is she the clone of the Top Lab Director Super Genius Lady, but TLDSG Lady's pet project is to recreate not just her own body but also her mind, by closely controlling how her clone is raised, trying to mimic the same basic childhood, matched to a computer tutor program written by her, so her clone can grow up to continue the super genius work of TLDSG Lady... but also, not everyone on the space lab is happy about the project, and there have been murders

i personally love this story even more than the other 18 Alliance - Union universe books, all of which are worth a read

The Morgaine Cycle, 4 books

Imagine if Sauron and the one ring never existed and Legolas and Aragorn were combined into one character who discovered his realm was one of many realms that were linked by a sort of Ancient Alien Stonehenge Star Gate system, because on the worst night of his life he meets a woman from the legends of his people riding out from the stones and acting as if the Big Battle she disappeared from happened only minutes before. Her armor is in the old style, her sword is deeply cursed, and he'll have to learn how to pronounce "laser pistol" because there's no translation for it in his language

chefs kiss

The Chanur Series, 5 books

listen to me very carefully:

Cat Alien Space Pirates

okay? but if you need more, it's told entirely from their point of view, and they find the only human anyone has ever seen

wait actually, i should tell you a small running gag that slowly becomes an examination of social themes is the human keeps thinking the cat aliens are "he" because they go shirtless and there's no obvious breasts, but they keep offhandedly correcting the human, telling him "she" because actually the cat alien men aren't legally allowed off planet at all because they are too emotional and prone to fits of rage, and generally thought to not be cut out for complex math. Also (because the cat aliens are based on lions) the cat alien men are alarmingly huge.

there is also a sort of gorilla alien species, but don't worry there are a few really wild and out there alien species too

read up friends!

[lctibule]

ok some indie thoughts for her modern/more accessible verse bc she's on my mind:

lab born creature, an attempt to create a modern day (weaponized) dinosaur. she's not the first attempt, but is the first semi-successful prototype - the first to survive into adulthood.

not nearly as big as she is in canon, rather somewhere between the size of a cougar and a tiger. ...can still fit your entire head in her mouth though.

still a very rough prototype, she's genetically unstable and kind of sickly (no less powerful for it though)

highly intelligent. like, near human-level. she understands human speech (mostly english but has the capacity to pick others up, 100%) and is overall incredibly clever

escaped her prison of a lab after tricking one of her handlers into making a mistake. she killed him in the process and then proceeded to hunt down every other scent and face she recognized to kill them as well in a very revenge-driven rampage

fled the scene and disappeared into the wilderness, has since been learning to survive on her own

wanders into cities with some regularity, quickly learning that doing so while it's dark is most ideal and to keep to alleyways and even rooftops where possible (fortunately she's a good climber) to avoid too much attention. it's worth the extra effort despite her distrust of humans and fear of capture & re-imprisonment bc there's such easy access to food (she'll scavenge from dumpsters, hunt small animals (yes, including pets :x), and even occasionally snags an unlucky person)

has definitely been spotted a handful of times, leading to a rise in cryptid-like stories being shared of this dinosaur looking creature lurking in dark alleyways with bright orange eyes and crooked teeth that makes strange clicking and cawing sounds

has grown more curious of humans as she's seen more of them and observed more of their behaviour, coming to the conclusion that perhaps not all of them are abusive and wishing to control her. she still doesn't trust easily, but there is the possibility of developing a friendship with her - she likely won't attack without being provoked unless you remind her in some way of her late handlers or creators.

i imagine her being rather like a corvid if she takes an interest in you and/or if you bring her food or something interesting - she might bring you things she finds. there's a good chance these will be shiny or colourful

basically giant reptile-esque stray (feral) cat who wants to know more about you and learn more about everything but might also eat your dog

[lillambiespasture]

Gangreen headcanons

These have zero order or anything it's just a few HCs I have

Skip past Billy's if you don't wanna read like a lot of stuff

Big Billy

He's only half cyclops

His mom is a human

And his dad was a cyclops

But he had two eyes (this is totally possible, ty genetics lessons)

Since his dad didn't really look like a monster and wasn't THAT big he lived in Townsville for a while

Hence how he met Billy's mom

She didn't know at first but didn't mind when she found out

They got married maybe and lived on Monster Isle

But before Billy was born or soon after his dad died so they never met

Billy's mom definitely took amazing care of him though and stayed on Monster Isle

So he had a great childhood

Until he was around ten and he just sort of wondered off (cyclops thing)

He ended up in Townsville

Sadly he has no clue where his mom is

Otherwise he would visit her

She however is in the same place

So a reunion is possible if he ever remembers where his house is

He's super self conscious btw (thinks the gang doesn't care about him but they do)

He loves animals, mostly fluffy ones

HAD a secret pet cat but after a while she passed

She was pretty old and died in her sleep

He took amazing care of her and was inconsolable when he realized she was gone

When he starts crying nothing can stop him

Except sleeping or food

He's the only one who can properly cook

He met Arturo before the met the others

Lil Arturo

He's a huge hugger

It doesn't matter who you are if he decides to hug you you'll get hugged

He definitely steals hair products a lot

He loves doing his hair

Mostly because he gets to use Maria

He does the whole gangs hair for funsies

He loves sugar a scary amount

If/when someone babies him he acts like he hates it

But he actually loves it a lot

Because he was a middle child in a family of like 15

Speaking of his family

After his dad went to jail he (and most of his siblings) got put in foster homes

He wasn't in the worst foster home ever but they were still neglectful

So he ran away

Which is how he met Billy (and later the gang)

He's not allowed to have caffeine of any sort

He curses in Spanish a lot

Or makes mocks people in Spanish when he's pissed

Mostly Ace

Who has caught on a little bit

Grubber

He can totally talk in several languages

He just chooses not to

I think he's a lab experiment that went wrong

The purpose of the experiment was to create a brain serum that could make people smarter

But it would've been made from Grubbers brain

When he figured that out he escaped

He really loves classical music

If he wasn't in the gang he would probably collect antiques

He tried while being in the gang

You can probably tell how that turned out

If you ask how he got his violin he'll tell you a different way every time (bought it, found it, stole it, ect.)

He's the smartest in the gang (duh)

And he gives the others tutoring lessons sometimes do they aren't too dumb

But they don't know that's what it is

Yet

He's British

Grubber met Snake first (probably deep in the dump)

Ace

Oh boy

He REALLY cares about the gang

Like if anyone in the gang gets hurt he thinks about it for weeks and blames himself

Even if it's something like Billy getting a scrape on his knee

He stole a motorcycle and rides it all the time

He can't stand coffee

Though he can and will down five monsters

His glasses were a gift from his grandma

Who was the only adult who ever loved him

She died when he was 6

His parents are literal garbage and they kicked him out when he was like 7

The only reason they didn't do it sooner was because of his grandma

She was kinda loaded

But she didn't put his parents in her will LOL

Ace found the shed when he was a kid and it was the only place he knew no one would bother him at

So that's where he started living

Surprisingly he doesn't just like rock

Bro is a former Swifty (I'm projecting)

Oh he loves music by the way

The thing he steals most is vinyls

God help the soul that touches his vinyls

Knows how to play several instruments

He's also very handy

If he wasn't a known criminal he could probably make an honest living building stuff

I don't know IM not handy enough to explain

Ace met Snake before anyone in the gang had met each other (probably saved his life one way or another)

Snake

He's not an actual Snake as far as he knows

But he's always extremely cold

He might have anemia

The D in his name stands for something silly

Again always changes if you asked him

I think his parents acted like those super perfect 60s neighbors

Think the Flanderses from The Simpsons

But in reality they were horrible

In everyway you can think

After they had another kid, a little girl

They got way worse to him

And we're never bad to the girl because bruises on her would look suspicious

They also just really didn't like Snake sadly

One day his sister told him their parents were going to kick him out

It was a joke but he didn't know that

So he packed and left on the day she said they'd do it

He's got an irrational fear of egales (probably his sister's fault)

He goes by he/they pronouns

But probably hasn't told anyone

He's super good at art

He loves gaming

It doesn't even matter what game it is he'll play it and love it

Probably rage quits and breaks arcade games though

In the winter he definitely hordes the gangs entire blanket supply

And bundles up so much he looks a little silly

His speech impediment gets worse when he's scared or really really angry

But he very rarely ever gets angry

He considers Ace his best friend

He has a fat crush on Ace

And probably babies Arturo the most

Not that he isn't hardcore

He's pretty cold (emotionally)

Usually not to the gang though

He wears makeup

Not much though, usually just his lipstick

And he gets high on a daily basis

It's only when he runs out of weed that he'll stop smoking for like weeks to a month

Just for a break

Then go back too it

He's not a hugger

BUT

If someone hugs him he'll accept it

He's had multiple piercings

A lot are closed now

Most he gave himself

He gives the other gang members piercings if they ask

I think that's all I got in the tank— so uh smell you later

[pixelchills]

I have some thoughts that aren’t really deserving of their own ask but I thought, hey, it’d be nice to ask anyway and they can pick and choose which ones to answer, why not send them in one big ask? So here they are! Also numbered for your convenience.

In one of the other asks you said wealthy people sometimes have animutants as pets-What are they like? Like designer versions of normal animals, or something more creative?

Do Sunrise and Solar’s petals have any use besides being cute? Like how some animals have similar features to help regulate their temperature or camouflage? Is Solar secretly a dilophosaurous?

Is acne at all a thing animutants get? While most acne is from bacteria, some is from normal dust and other particles in the air.

Considering it’s hard to control how someone’s teeth come in with genetics alone, are things like braces at all common with animutants(That one is mostly because I have this mental image of Solar and Sunrise as siblings, with Solar teasing Sun about his cute little braces X3)?

This one is mostly a joke but how do they kiss without the other’s nose jabbing them in the eye? (Inspired by the Christmas art)

Are there other similar uses for the type of genetics work that made Sun and Moon? It’d be nice to hear genetic diseases have some progress behind them

Has anyone tried to Jurassic Park? Is Solar secretly a dilophosaurous?

What happens to ‘defective’ animutants?

How much does the average animutant know about in terms of their own conception? Or what they’re made of, rather. (You joked Moon had some cat in him-Would he know that?)

Do they have access to the internet or books? How much are they allowed to freely access?

Do they ever get to watch tv? What kind of shows do they like?

Does Moon climb outside of his security job?(He must have THE BEST hiding spots)

Does Sun have any features Moon doesn’t?(Like Moon‘s night vision or climbing, not his petals)

How much do the Glams like working with each other? Obviously Freddy likes everyone but who’s the most annoying to work with and who’s the most pleasant to work with?

Are amputations for stylistic reasons common(such as with Foxy)?

Answer whichever ones you want at your leisure :D

Ohhohhoh, a lot of interesting little questions you've got there! I'll try to answer them the best I can!

The pet animutants are really just whatever people wish and order them to be. Can be a mix of two or more animals, or other living beings like flowers etc. I don't think there is a limit to what they could be, the only thing to consider is that the mutants are always quite big, even the non-sentient ones. The shortest-ever mutants are like 5'9 or 5'10.

Their petals are actually capable of photosynthesis! It gives them personally a little bit more energy and they give extra oxygen to the air around them! (If you get locked into a room without oxygen with Sun or Solar, you might survive a bit longer-) This feature actually causes Sunrise to stim and fiddle so much; he has too much energy in his body but he also has anxiety so he lets the energy out through physical stims, like shaking his hands or fiddling with things or bopping and swaying his body when seated. For Solar, the extra energy goes straight to his brain... He is awfully smart and aware of everything because he uses the extra energy to think so much.

I don't think acne is an animutant problem really.

I was actually debating between braces and the chipped tooth when I was designing Sunrise. I think he'd be adorable with braces. If I ever decide to write the alternative timeline where Sun was just created to help Solar instead of replacing him, I could give him braces instead (Maybe him eating the candy in the labs caused his still-soft teeth to get wonky or something.) So yeah, braces or glasses are not very common, but not impossible. I think Freddy or Chica might be getting glasses in the Alternative timeline because I think it would suit them tbh XD Moondrop actually wears reading glasses in my Sims game (slice-of-life mod caused him to have a funky vision.)

The nose is literally my biggest struggle when drawing them kissing. I've generally tried to smaller their noses in my art actually. simply because of this issue XD I think they might need to twist their heads a bit further, or their noses are generally quite soft and just press nicely to the other's cheek (like I've drawn it).

Idk why but I don't completely understand this question, sorry ;_;

My husband is a massive dinosaur nerd and he had to immediately correct that the dilophosaurus seen in JP movies is a very inaccurate presentation of the actual dinosaur but I kinda like the frill idea hahaha (no, Solar is not a dilophosaurus.)

Depends. If it's bad, they just get killed. If it's nothing too serious, they might be sold to the owners at a lower price, or sold in the market for other people to purchase with a discount.

Not much. They know their species and the overall concept of creating an animutant (the process, everyone is an adult, incubator time etc.) but they actually don't know the DNA and material used in them, so no, Moon doesn't know he has some feline DNA in him.

At least the Faz. co mutants do not have access to the WWW. They have access to streaming services such as Netflix or Amazon Prime, and can ask for certain books or video games they hear about from the kids or human staff to purchase. So yeah, they don't really have much knowledge of the outside world online.

They don't have access to normal TV (fazbears doesn't want them to see ads for other companies XD) but they can stream shows on Netflix and Amazon Prime! Here are some headcanons of what their favourite shows/genres might be (only mentioning series I've seen myself lol): Sunrise: He likes cartoons, and enjoys shows such as Gravity Falls, MLP, and the Cuphead Show. Probably enjoys anime and comedic shows as well. Moondrop: Horror and mystery shows, such as The Haunting of Hill House & Bly Manor, Stranger Things (I think Sun like this show too but closes his eyes for scary parts XD), and American Horror Story. Freddy: I think Freddy enjoys dramas, either comedic like the Office, or historical like The Crown. Bonnie: Sports and shonen anime :D Probably watches just whatever is on the screen and is able to get hooked on it. His favourite genre might be action, but his favourite show is Orange is the New Black. And Q-Force. Chica: She likes romantic dramas and comedies, but also idol animes like Love Live! :D Foxy: Historical dramas and documentary series, especially those that have something to do with the sea or pirates lol. Monty: Likes action, similar to Bonnie. His favourite show is OITNB as well. Arrow & The 100. Roxy: Action-horror, such as Squid Game and Sweet Home, but enjoys watching OITNB too (Chill's note: have I mentioned it is my favourite series on Netflix). Solar: True crime and science/nature documentaries.

I'm not sure if you mean like... outside the building? Because his microchip is still connected to the security system he can't really leave the building. But he found this attic room/storage area on top of the building which had a pretty big skylight, and he brought Sunrise there for a romantic date to see fireworks on New Year's eve.

Kinda answered this earlier, but yeah, it is the petals XD I think he also has generally better vision in bright places and he is more sensitive to temperature changes. (See him shiver? The temperature must be under 66°F (19°C), see him sweat? It gotta be over 86°F (30°C).) However, he handles warmth better than cold.

Foxy is kind of a lone wolf and prefers to work alone, or with Freddy or Chica only. Monty obviously is annoyed by Freddy because he is 'too soft', but likes to work with Chica and Bonnie. Roxy likes working with Chica the most but gets a bit distracted sometimes, so she prefers to work with Freddy, who is a bit of a doormat to work with sometimes XD She doesn't really like working with Monty, because he is messy and loud. Chica is quite good at working with everyone because she genuinely likes everyone a lot! though she might be distracted by Roxy, but makes a very good duo with Bonnie. Bonnie works the best with Freddy, they're "the duo" as seen as them being able to work and discuss a lot of things even in a tough situation. Bonnie isn't probably the best pair to go with Foxy or Roxy, because Roxy is a bit too bossy for his liking, and Foxy and him just genuinely bicker constantly like siblings.

For long-term show-business mutants, sometimes. Foxy was designed to be a pirate, so his hand was amputated just for stylistic reasons.

I hope I answered your questions somewhat efficiently! Thanks for them and all the other inspiring questions you've sent so far! I genuinely love answering them <3

[twoidiotwriters1]

Copycat: Genesis —(Marvel Fem!Oc)

A/N: When I write smart characters is always a pain in the ass but Cat’s big brain empty energy gives me peace -Danny

Words: 2,048

Phase Six Masterlist

Previous Chapter // Next Chapter

Listen to: ‘intimate moments’ -by Isaac Dunbar

vii: Space & Time

"You're quiet today," May mentioned on their way to her house. "Something on your mind?"

Cat nodded, eyes looking ahead. "I have something to do and I've been delaying it for quite a while."

The woman hummed. "It's hard, doing things you don't want to—"

"I wanna do it," she retorted, tightening the coat around her body. "It's, uh— it's... I have to go home."

Aunt May seemed surprised. "I thought you were staying here for good?"

Cat kept her eyes ahead. "Peter's only helping me get back on my feet, but there are things I've got to do."

"And you have somewhere to go to?"

"Of course," she smiled. "And they're worried sick. I wasn't meant to stay here for long... my problems stayed behind and I liked how liberating that was... but I have to go."

"You sound like you're apologizing," May said bemusedly. "I'll be sad to see you go, it's been a while since I saw Peter... well, he never talks about his life nowadays... not after Gwen..."

The silence became too uncomfortable to bear and Cat stopped right at the woman's doorstep, inviting May to walk in first. "I should hurry, your nephew's waiting for me."

Peter's aunt cupped her face. "Look after yourself, okay? My door is always open if you decide to pay us a visit in the future."

"Thank you."

Cat felt tempted, she wanted to be someone slightly more normal than who she was in her world, at least from time to time, but to agree to that would be agreeing to mess with the natural laws of the universe, she was tired of causing trouble for everyone.

"Why are we sneaking into the subway ruins, Parker?"

"Told you we were gonna work on the beeper."

"But why here?"

"Shut up and walk!"

"Rude..." she muttered.

"If someone hears us—"

"We can handle a few guards on our own," she complained.

"Violence must always be the last option, Jane."

"Okay, Yoda. Weren't you the guy who stopped pulling his punches?"

"Rude," he pushed up a metal curtain so she could pass. "I haven't done that since I came back from your world."

"My Peter really did a number on you," she teased him, crawling under the opening.

"You say it like it's a surprise..." he grunted, shuffling after her.

"Not a surprise, just... too good to be true. I tried to stop doing what I do many times but there's always a bigger guy, who needs a rougher beating, and so on..."

"Eh," he shrugged. "If you lived in my world, it wouldn't be that hard to accomplish."

"Is it really that quiet?"

"Well, you've been here for a month, you tell me."

"But you've fought genetically enhanced nutcases!"

"That was years ago," he climbed up to the abandoned station, then offered his hand to her.

"What is this place?" She looked around. "It's old..."

"It's old," he nodded. "My dad turned this place into a private lab where to keep the stuff he didn't want to share with Oscorp. Watch this."

Parker walked up to a wall and inserted a coin into an old turnstile. Cat felt the floor vibrating and she pressed herself against a wall. "What did you do?"

"It's okay," her friend pointed to the train tracks. "Look."

Cat stared in awe at the subway car emerging in front of them. "Your dad did that?"

"Yup," he looked at the scene proudly. "Pretty cool, huh?"

"Your father was a genetics scientist, right?"

"Yeah."

"So how on earth a genetics scientist builds this thing all alone?"

"It's not that hard," Parker said casually.

"Right," she stared at him. "Just another Tuesday for you Parker geniuses, huh?"

He winked at her before approaching the subway car. "This is where I keep all my research," he signaled her to follow him in. Inside the secret laboratory, Parker had a bunch of post-its and printed papers stuck to the walls with red tape. "I don't know how much of it will be useful without the beeper but I didn't throw it away just in case..."

"You think she'll be of use?" Cat took E.D.I.T.H. from her shirt. She approached the wall and stared at his notes. "Nice handwriting..."

"At least I can write." Parker approached from behind. Cat turned in outrage, he laughed at her reaction. "You deserved that! You haven't stopped whining since we left the apartment."

"Because I'm cold and you didn't let me eat before coming here," she complained, trying to ignore his proximity.

"We had to be here early! Listen, I promised I would bring you here and I brought you, but here..." he walked up to a locker and pulled a bag from it. "I got a—"

"Secret snack stack!" She exclaimed, her eyes brightening.

"Don't know if it's a secret, I'm the only person that comes here," he snorted, placing the bag in her hands and moving past her. "Enjoy the sugar rush."

"You are my only sugar rush, sweetie," she retorted playfully, her attention on the bag.

Parker turned abruptly and stared at her with a huge smile. "Did you just flirt with me?"

"Don't act like it's such an accomplishment," she glanced at him before grabbing a KitKat.

"You hadn't done that in a while," he approached her again.

Cat used a piece of Kitkat to point at him menacingly. "Stop. What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"What? I'm hungry," he seized her hand and took a bite from the candy bar without breaking eye contact. She scowled, mentally stomping on the heat that was forming inside her. "What's wrong, Janie?" He took a second bite, but this time he pulled the snack out and held it between his lips, smirking, only then he stepped back.

"That was gross," she lied in a plain voice.

He turned away shrugging, taking the chocolate off his lips. Parker continued to talk as if nothing had happened. "I thought you'd be quiet once I gave you something to eat."

She forced her eyes to look away from the hand holding the piece of chocolate. His fingers were too long and they were distracting her. "I'm being serious."

"No, I don't think you're being serious," he crossed his arms, pretending to examine his wall of post-its. "But I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable. All I wanna do when you act cute is wrap you in a blanket and kiss all over your face. I can't help it."

"You're aware I'm a mercenary, right?" Cat's eyes were glued to Parker's back.

"That doesn't make you any less attractive."

"Okay. Well, anyway," she decided to pay attention to the post-its at last. "Your research looks like you wrote it on a caffeine high at four in the morning. Why is this on a wall and not on the computer?"

"I'm a little paranoid about that kind of thing," he replied. "My dad got killed over a digital file, imagine what others might do to me or May if they discover this."

"And keeping this here is... safer?"

"No one knows about this place."

"Are urban explorers not a thing in your world?"

"I have the feeling you're trying to be mean, so I'll ignore your questions," Parker ate the last part of his chocolate, unstuck a few papers from the wall, and skimmed through them.

"I was thinking," Cat leaned on a table and ate her second Kitkat of the day. "Stark's time machine—"

"We're not building a time machine."

"Let me do the dumb talk for a moment, okay? It's been a while since I used fancy words..." Cat picked up a notebook, close to it was a pencil with almost no tip, but she grabbed it anyway. "We traveled through time and space— we had to show up in 2014 on another planet, so our wrist thingies had a timer and a compass thingy to put coordinates in..." he got closer to look at what she was scribbling in his notebook. "What you built was a type of multiversal magnet, right? It wasn't meant to travel to any universe, it was meant to track mine and take you to it."

"I... guess?"

Cat let out a little scoff of annoyance, she really didn't know how to explain herself better. "I've been thinking... I remember I tried to use the beeper once, but I didn't remember you had it. Your machine would've remained dormant had I not jumpstarted it from the other side. Like throwing a match over a trail of gasoline, I threw the match."

Parker tilted his head. "So... is that match-throwing something we could maybe replicate?"

She thought about it. "Well, without a Stark satellite, Edith's nothing more than just a pair of glasses."

"Right. I remember reading about them."

"You— you what?"

"I remember the whole stuff," he took the notebook and wrote down a few things. "It could be similar to the ones we have here, I just need to look it up to know which one is the best option."

"You're saying you remember something that you read two years ago?"

Peter looked at her. "Yeah, but it's not that weird."

"You remember the whole text?"

"Yeah!" He scoffed. "Not everyone has a shitty memory, Jane."

"Not everyone can do that either," she frowned. "You have a photographic memory?"

He gestured vaguely. "Kinda. I guess, but I'm not sure it's like that—"

She shook her head. "I'm getting sidetracked here, you're saying Edith can connect to one of your world's satellites if we can get her to turn on?"

"Yeah, no worries," Parker took away his post-its. "I'll connect Edith to this..." he went to the desk and placed the notes on it, pulled out a drawer, and grabbed something from inside. "This is a portable battery, but I might charge up Edith a bit..."

"And?"

"If we fix the beeper, the traces of your universe in her signal might be able to jumpstart my 'magnet' again."

It wasn't great news, but it was something.

"That's a lot of 'ifs'," she frowned, "and not of the kind I like."

"It's progress," he looked at her with a teasing smile. "You said you weren't smart but look at you, bringing something to the table," he studied the notebook and realized she'd only drawn the things she'd said. It made him laugh. "Take a seat, we got a lot to do."

"Parker," Cat sat next to him. "Why did you build this?"

"I already told you," he frowned. "Why do you ask?"

"My Peter said something when I couldn't remember him... he said we planned a life together because we didn't have anything else to do," she shifted in her place, staring at Parker with a small frown. "It's not real, right? I mean, had Peter survived the snap, I would've built a life with him. Those were my intentions, I wasn't lying... you're a version of him, do you think he was lying when he said he didn't mean it?"

Cat didn't let him answer her question, she got up and started to take down the remains of the red tape from the wall. the mutant could feel Parker's eyes on her.

"I mean, you built this because you wanted to see me, you felt something real for me, or at least real enough to get you moving— if I get rid of Russo, and I finish the whole pest control thing, what then? I always go back to twiddling my thumbs until I'm needed. I hate that, but I don't wanna stay, I feel you only care about me cause you have nothing else going on. Just like Peter said."

She turned around to face him, something like understanding was painting his features, but she wasn't sure that was what it was, it could also just be pity. "No," was all he responded. "I don't know if he was lying, but that's not why I did this."

Cat waited for him to explain further, but he didn't. "That's it? You don't have a speech to ease my mind? You're older than me, you should know better!"

"I'm three years older! Not a lifetime away from twenty-five..." he said with a pout.

"You don't have anything to say?" She insisted. "Why did you do all this?"

Parker shrugged, he lowered his gaze to the pencil in his hand. "I just can't seem to die, so I thought... might as well do something fun while I wait for that to happen."

"So you do cling onto me out of need," she said with dark satisfaction.

"Maybe," he said, his shoulders tensed as he spoke. She had the feeling he wasn't being honest, but he wasn't lying either. "But needing someone is also a choice. Isn't that enough?"

"Judging from past experiences," she replied. "I don't think so."

Next Chapter—>

Taglist.

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[jodilin65]

THURSDAY, AUGUST 31, 2023 Not a very happy camper now. They've gone back to using the insanely loud garbage trucks, which is a definite threat to my sleep, no matter how loud I play the sound machine. I could only hear the other one when it was nearby, but this one I can hear all throughout the park.

Is going back to the loud mower next?

I'm still on for the lab next Tuesday. I just didn't click through all the pages, so that's why it didn't go through the first time around and I didn't get a confirmation.

Anyway, after I got up I was wishing Idalia's wind and rain would return to drown out the police helicopter that was circling round and round for over an hour last night. I don't know what was going on, but it was ridiculous. All I kept thinking was it's three in the morning and I need the sound machine on so I can concentrate on what I'm doing.

On the bright side, I've had more energy today than I've had in a while. We went to Publix and got some things done at home that we needed and wanted to do.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 30, 2023 Idalia is here! But all she’s bringing us is wind and rain. Looks like she’s going to hit the Big Bend area as a cat 4. They’re saying this will be a first. Global warming is having some scary effects at an alarmingly fast rate. It’s not even September and we’re already seeing a major hurricane. If we had extra money and I didn’t feel like shit so much of the time I wouldn’t mind going on a mini vacation if we were evacuated but I’m definitely concerned about being evacuated over the next couple of months as we trudge through the heart of hurricane season.

I have horrible fatigue still. I slept well and got up thinking I wasn’t too bad but by the time I showered and ate I was ready for a nap. This is ridiculous. I have to spend so much time in bed that I could be up living my life and doing things. Got a bad feeling my thyroid is the same or worse. If we can’t get my fucking body to absorb the medication, then what???

I’m not in the greatest shape but I’m not in horrible shape either with all the skiing I do. Yet yesterday, after boxing for the first time in a while, I was so wiped out. I had heavy fatigue and felt a little winded like my heart was racing. Really, really hope it’s just a matter of figuring out how to tweak my thyroid dose and not PAH! Tom thinks it’s likely on the thyroid. That and sleep apnea.

I made a lab appointment but never got a confirmation. I went back to the site and confirmed that there were no pending appointments for me so I have to deal with that. There’s going to be a whole shit ton of health work to do. There usually is but this is going to be more than usual and I can’t just schedule appts. I have to play form too, which takes forever.

The only thing I don’t get is why they keep sending me so far from home when giving me referrals. They asked and I told them I wanted to go to a specific imaging place near our house yet they want to send me all the way to Chapel Hill. And why do I have to go all the way to Land O’Lakes to see a cardiologist? You mean to tell me there isn’t one closer?

So more than likely we’re going to have to pick our own doctors. This way it’s easier to try to get female doctors and avoid foreigners I may have a hard time understanding. So I’m going to have to go to the lab, to a cardiologist, to the imaging center, and then possibly to a genetic counselor unless I can confirm 23andMe has the information I need to know as to whether or not I’m automatically doomed to get breast cancer. We’re pretty sure I don’t have that gene. That’s a good thing because that would mean needing a double mastectomy. I definitely wouldn’t mind giving these boobies up because they’re way too big but I really don’t want to go under the knife again.

Jessie finally told me that she uses Kindra for dryness. Not surprisingly, it’s rather pricey. I haven’t had much burning in a while and therefore I haven’t used the suppositories. I only use them as needed. I just want my energy back so bad!

TUESDAY, AUGUST 29, 2023 Yesterday we went from having a hurricane watch to a hurricane warning. Things are closed for the rest of the month, and Tom may not be able to get the cancerous spot on his forehead taken care of tomorrow as scheduled.

The airport closed at midnight. Not having to listen to one plane after another starting about now is fine with me. What's not is the possibility of being evacuated even though it doesn't look like that's going to happen at this point. If we weren't in debt and I was healthier, I would be okay with it. We would have to head south, though, because this one's going north of us.

We had some thunder earlier but no rain. The weather app on my computer said it was 10 miles away. They say Idalia is 425 miles away.

The video meeting with the doctor went better than expected yesterday. She was on time, young, friendly, and listened very intently to my concerns. She was also very thorough. I'm going to be having a ton of testing done. It was funny because at one point she told me to hang on a second because she had to deal with one of the dogs she was fostering and when I told her we had a pet rat she got all excited and wanted to see her. She was sleeping at that moment but at the end of our meeting, she got to meet Tinkerbella.

This doctor was in Chicago and plans to come to the state to visit her mother soon.

So we discussed my two main problems and that's getting my thyroid numbers normal without feeling horrible though she agrees that 6-9 could be my personal normal.

Then the other problem of fatigue. On the 5th I'll be going to the lab for a full panel of blood work as well as AI testing for other autoimmune diseases I could have like RA, Sjogren's, etc. I will also need to go for an echocardiogram, the mammogram I wasn't going to go for, and genetic testing. Being Jewish puts me at a higher risk of getting breast cancer and I guess through genetic testing they can better assess your risk. We're going to check 23andMe and see if that was tested or not. Tom thinks it was and that I didn't have that mutation.

They may also have me wear one of those Holter heart monitors for a while too. She said it was great that I was so prepared for our meeting and knew exactly what I wanted to ask and all that. Yeah, because the doctors in California were so unhelpful that I learned to get my own information.

No anxiety yesterday and none so far today but I'm not ready to think the spell is over yet. Usually, when it's that noticeable it's not just for a few days. I still worry I could be on the verge of another spell that lasts for weeks or even months.

I woke up tired today, as usual, but for once, when I ended up napping shortly after, I actually woke up feeling more refreshed.

More than likely, I will be starting blood pressure medicine. Yes, I am still prone to side effects but if it's going to help with the fatigue, I'm willing to try anything. It will probably be Losartan, which he's taking. What sucks is that I can't use the wrist cuff anymore because it's not as accurate to get a record of how it is over the next two weeks as they want. I've been afraid to use his arm cuff because I know how tight it gets, but I'm gonna have to muster up a little courage. Too many years of prolonged elevated blood pressure can mess with my heart and kidneys if it hasn't already.

My biggest concern is that I may have PAH and she thinks there's a chance I could. The thing is that even with treatment which can slow the progression of the disease, the prognosis isn't the greatest. I wouldn't be dying next year or the year after, but I may not make it beyond a decade. But hey, I live for however long I live. That's not what's important. What's important is how I feel.

MONDAY, AUGUST 28, 2023 Yesterday was another shitty day in that I was anxious. I hope Tom’s theory is correct and that it’s just residual effects from adding vitamin D. It’s true that when you cut back, your TSH drops instantly but you don’t feel better right away. That’s why I felt like shit going to Orlando last year after the last time my thyroid was overloaded.

I took a full hydroxyzine tablet and it did lessen my symptoms but not without knocking me out and causing me to sleep a whopping 10 hours and 20 minutes. Been horribly groggy since getting up. I’m definitely not anxious today but I’ll be spending a lot of time in bed until my 8:00 a.m. video appointment with a Galileo doc, even though I don’t want to of course.

I’ve done some things. I did a few jobs and cooked myself a skillet of quinoa, brown rice, spinach, chickpeas, and chicken tenders.

Jessie says that in Europe they have natural thyroid enzymes that she believes are from sheep. I would think that would cause the same problem as thyroid extracted from pigs causes, though, with the inconsistency in dosing.

I asked her what she’s using for dryness and she won’t tell me. Instead, she said the same thing she says when I ask about her thyroid numbers; that she has to look. Like she really can’t remember? I think it’s probably that old Facebook paranoia some people have since Facebook doesn’t believe in privacy. Why else would she be so secretive about these things?

I had to disable public comments on my other Facebook profile where I’m sharing journals because for some reason I couldn’t pull them up. I would get a notification but then when I would click on it, nothing would happen. So unless they commented or reacted on one of the last few posts, I would have to scroll through hundreds of posts that I would rather not scroll through.

Wondering how much we’re going to be affected by Hurricane Idalia which is now expected to hit Florida as a category 3. I don’t think we’ll get a direct hit but I do expect some wind and rain. It’s a little soon to know for sure. Right now there’s an official hurricane watch in effect but not a hurricane warning.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 27, 2023 OMG, for the THIRD time in barely a month, the water was off. I see a definite pattern forming here and I wonder if it's just a matter of time before I'm going to have to shower at night only, just like at the old place, to avoid getting the water turned off on me while I'm in the shower.

What's next to catch up to this place? Loud traffic? Projects every few days? Daily landscaping?

DeSatan says all Gulfers should have hurricane kits ready and available. People in this area say it's one of the safest from hurricanes, and they only get evacuated once a decade. I know global warming is changing things, but I would be really surprised if we were evacuated two years in a row. It's too soon to know for sure what's going on but last I heard, the cone was aimed at the panhandle.

Andy, Judy, and a cousin are thinking of coming down here and want to fly into Fort Myers, spend a few days with the cousin's daughter, and then shoot over to New Port Richey to see Gary and his wife Jenny. He asked Tom to calculate how many miles it was to our place from there because the three of them want to spend the day with us.

I told him I didn't have to ask Tom what I could ask Alexa and that I knew it was very close. However, he has to keep in mind that there’s a 50/50 chance I’ll have to sleep or something would be going on with us if we had an appointment or something. Furthermore, we would prefer to meet at a restaurant and not at the house. The house is just so damn small and I don't even know the cousin. Also, I don't want to have to rearrange the place to hide things I don't want seen.

The thing is that Andy's not a very supportive person, and he has a memory that makes mine seem like it's still great so I don't know if he'll understand or be willing to meet us there, but we'll find out. I knew this day would eventually come, though. I just thought it would be him coming down by himself. I don't mind just him being here, and I told him that too.

To be honest, there's a part of me that regrets reconnecting with him not just before we left for Florida, but back in Jesse's trailer. We do have a lot of fun memories together and he has changed in some ways, but there's still a part of him that is non-empathetic, non-understanding, judgmental, and selfish. Like most people, his basic personality hasn't changed throughout the years.

I also have mixed emotions about seeing Judy. Sure, I would love to see her. She's a great lady. But she also has a big mouth and is nosy. I feel like she too, would do nothing but pry and judge me for my ways and go on and on about how and why I should change.

Then there's the stupidity, or at least the lack of ability to understand. I've gone over my sleep disorder a number of times with Helen and not even she gets it. She's getting it mixed up with delayed sleep phase and narcolepsy. This is such a complex issue for people to grasp, apparently, because it's rare.

Grammarly used to be fun to use, but now it's gotten to be a pain in the ass. I've complained and complained about the begging and having my train of thought disrupted by having to click out of windows begging me to pay up and again I've asked why they bother having a free option if they want money that bad. People should either be allowed to use things for free without being harassed while they're at it or there shouldn't be a free option. Yet it's gotten much worse with them. All they do is say they'll tell their developers, but the greedy bastards obviously don't care and are gonna do what they're gonna do.

Although it isn't as good, I'm going to use spelling and grammar checkers that are built into the browser and MS Word. At least there I know I'm not going to get pestered with regular begging. I can't expect to be 100% correct all the time anyway, especially with all the content I've written. I've got to get out of the habit of publishing stuff and then deleting it so I can correct it and republish it.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 26, 2023 Since you can now create as many profiles in any name you want on Facebook, I created one for my journal since Facebook doesn’t delete nonactive accounts and it can live on as a memoir for future generations - if there are any future generations - to see how life was in these times.

I blocked some of my Facebook friends but there are no guarantees it won’t be suggested to them if they have other accounts I don’t know about. That’s one thing I hate about Facebook is how they suggest things that not everyone wants suggested. I'm willing to take a chance, though. Andy’s most likely to have accounts I don’t know about. Jessie has another account, and I would never have known it if it wasn’t suggested to me. It was obvious, though, that it was her because it was a variation of her name with the same profile picture. It won’t be the end of the world if it’s found, but I would prefer to keep it from park people and anyone I may write about, including Jessie.

If Andy has a “normal” account with a profile picture I wouldn’t think to associate him with, it could have been suggested to me in the past but I didn’t know it was him. I don’t accept suggestions, though. I won’t let anyone in unless I know who it is.

Helen and I met yesterday and talked about how I miss some of the old feelings I used to have. She seems to think I need to get out and socialize more, which a lot of people have suggested to me over the years. I just don't feel the need to be a social butterfly, though. However, this doesn't mean that I don't miss having more people that are family or like family around that aren't toxic. Or at least that wasn't as toxic as my family was like his parents and his sister, etc. It still would be nice to have Jessie nearby.

I also asked her personal opinion on reaching out to those who never reach out to me first. People that only respond to my messages like Christiane. I also gave her a crash course on a certain somebody who also likes to write and she agrees that the constant account deletion and creation is a definite sign of instability along with other things. I've caught this person in lies, they've involved other people in our issues, and they sure are a hypocrite. As in no lurking, even though that's all they do.

She agrees that if I've made myself clear as to wanting to hear from them at times and for them to take the initiative on their own to contact me or comment on some of my stuff but they never do, It's probably time to make a clean break. Yeah, one of them may be highly intelligent. And yeah, I'm flattered that that person has followed me religiously and seems to take a great interest in my life but I think it's time to have a little self-respect and not reach out to those who never cared to do the same on their own.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 25, 2023 I slept better, but damn was last night kinda shitty. I was in a horrible mood and devoid of energy too, of course. I have more energy tonight because my sleep didn't get broken up like the last couple of times but it's going to be a very long night for me. That's because I won't be meeting with Helen until bedtime. Well, technically, I'll be finishing up at bedtime. Since I can't just jump in bed and fall asleep right when we're done and need to unwind a bit, I'll probably be up 17 to 18 hours, which means automatic fatigue tomorrow.

Back to being on the cool side and no sign of anxiety or mindfuckers or anything bad. So yeah, there was something about the vitamin D’s. Doesn’t mean I’m home-free just yet, though, on the dose increase because it hasn’t been 6 weeks. But with the D’s out of the picture, it’s looking good. There was something about it that made me feel the symptoms of going hyper even though I agree that my numbers aren’t likely that low yet. I’m probably 12-13 now.

Good God, what's the point of being able to enjoy the few hours off from commercial planes if I'm just gonna get slammed with helicopters instead? This is the fifth fucking one. They seem to be worse on Friday nights.

Anyway, in finishing up yesterday's health work, I checked out the links my docs recommended and saw a full list of side effects for Ramelteon and said, "No way!"

It can cause suicidal thoughts and I'm not going to go through that hell again like I did with an asthma inhaler I once took in the 90s and then the Prozac in 2015.

So I told them I wasn't interested and they said there was another drug approved for N24 that did not include suicidal thoughts called Hetlioz. The main highlights as far as its side effects go are nightmares, drowsiness, headaches, respiratory issues, UTI infections, and a few other things. Well, I'm tired a lot and have nightmares anyway and I could take ibuprofen or something like that for headaches, so if I didn't get anything worse, it may be worth it but that's only if I can get it. I'm gonna have to jump through all kinds of hoops to get approval for financial assistance being low income and all that. Who knows how many in-person appointments I may have to have too? If it could work without debilitating side effects, it would be worth it, though I still have my doubts. I still feel like I'm not meant to have a schedule. I just wish I knew if it was by chance or design.

If I believed in design for certain, I would start to wonder if something really wanted me to make it to the endo appointment, after all, because the light therapy does seem to be slowing my schedule from jumping as fast. That's why it's gonna be a long day today. When I made my appointment with Helen, I expected to be getting up 5-6 hours later than I did.

Jessie was telling me about the job she got with the State recently and how she and Bella are very prone to side effects. She said that as long as I'm not like them, don't assume I'm gonna get the side effects just because others do.

But I am like them. I just think the words side effects and I get them so I'm sure I'll get something. It's just a matter of whether or not it's anything I can put up with.

She understood my reluctance to go with Ramelteon, pointing out that many mental health drugs alter body chemistry and stuff like that.

Well, yeah, when you suddenly want to up and kill yourself, even though your life is fine, that's a big red flag right there.

She also said that a doctor gave Bella medication for nausea one time which gave her horrible anxiety. Not surprisingly, her doctor tried to tell her she was “just anxious.”

Jessie was given a monthly injection one time for her migraines which gave her palpitations and dizziness. She complained to her doctor who denied that these were side effects. But then when she contacted the company that made the stuff, they confirmed that yes, they were side effects. The doctor then called and blasted her out for calling the company.

With my past experiences, I can totally relate to the hell they've suffered! The medical gaslighting in this country is horrible. Doctors are sworn to do no harm yet they intentionally deny side effects to make their jobs easier. And nowadays many of them won't give health care to women who need it because of the fucking SCOTUS. It still angers me to this day, even after all these years, that none of the California doctors, except for my GYN who didn't have to deal with that aspect of my health, would believe that levothyroxine can make me anxious. Well, I'm sure they believed it. They just didn't want to work to find me an alternative or at least seek out a dose appropriate for me and not what their numbers required. After all, what reason would anyone have to insist something wasn't normal for them if it was? Doctors are supposed to be smart, and therefore they should know better. No one has anything to gain by complaining of side effects just for fun.

Jessie says she wishes she'd known we were going to move to Florida because there are affordable places near her where you don't pay rent like we do here. Yeah, but what's affordable to most isn't exactly affordable to us. We're that low-income these days. He's not going back to work for fun.

I wish I had known she was gonna move down here because I definitely would have focused more on her area. But we focused on the Gulf because it's cheaper and a little safer from hurricanes depending on where you are. Like it or not, we're likely locked in for life and for the first time in my life, I don't want to move unless we get rich and have plenty of options. Yes, I would have loved to be near her but it could be worse. The only things that keeps this place from being less than perfect is that we don't have a great view of a lake or the ocean as I would have liked as that's too expensive, it's too small, and we're in a flight path. But Jessie, along with most of the world, is also in a flight path. She just doesn't mind. So unless something bad happens around here, I don't see us going anywhere unless we ever need assisted living.

I didn't watch it, of course, but I saw the highlights of the Republican debate, and they weren't the least bit surprising. Especially with Pence promising to work tirelessly at continuing to strip women of more and more rights and make it more difficult and costlier for them to receive health care.

Had a power failure late last night for about an hour. I'm guessing they were working on something because there weren't any storms going on.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 24, 2023 Having one of the shittiest days I've had in a while. I'm worse than fatigued, but having mild anxiety as well. I noticed over the last few days that the hypo symptoms were backing off. But now, except for fatigue, they’re starting to do a complete 180 on me as the side effects slowly trickle back in. I kept waking up a million times and was on fire. I'm poopy and can feel waves of adrenaline beneath the surface threatening to bubble up.

I let Galileo know, and we agreed to stop the vitamin D. They're gonna check back in with me in a few days and if that's not enough and I’m still having symptoms, I'll have to scale my dose back.

I forgot that for some reason, Jessie won't tell me what her thyroid numbers are since her dose was decreased, yet I asked again earlier. If I wasn't having memory issues, I would have remembered and known that she would just tell me she would have to check but of course, she wouldn't. All she's told me is that she's been tired and hungrier. Because of this, I was curious as to what her last reading was. I have no idea why she's so secretive about this, but she is.

I just had a horrible thought. Well, how I’m feeling right now answers my question as to whether or not I can get used to tolerating lower TSH numbers by getting less tolerant of higher ones. The answer is obviously no. What worries me is that I may not even be able to stand to be between 6-9 without horrible fatigue, assuming a CPAP doesn’t help, yet unable to get my TSH any lower without side effects from the med. That would really leave me in a bind! It could still be the med causing it or chronic fatigue. I just have a bad feeling fatigue is going to be a regular part of the rest of my life.

Why do I also keep feeling like something up there wants me to suffer for most of my life? My God, just give me something that will kill me if you hate me that much!!!

I forgot to mention that I slept through the mower the other day, even though the side panel was down. This likely means that when the honker returns, I should be OK because even though the motorcycle is louder, it's further away.

To say that they're rude assholes in the house behind him is an understatement! I was checking out the camera and I watched the bitch back her car out (she has a single-wide carport) while loverboy fired up his motorcycle and revved it into the street, continued to sit there revving it while she pulled the car in, then got out to hug him goodbye before he roared off.

The correct thing to do would have been to say their goodbyes FIRST, then for her to back out, then for him to turn the damn thing on WITHOUT revving it, and then simply take off. But no, everybody's got to put on a show, or at least not give a shit about those around them.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 23, 2023 So much for giving up on my health although I did try to convince myself not to bother since I'm not getting anywhere. Yet I reached out to my docs and let them know the vitamins D and B-12 weren't helping with energy levels and asked about a full panel of blood work. So they decided to do a yearly wellness thing with me since it’s been since 2021 that I had a complete physical. This will be a virtual appointment for 20 minutes where we discuss my family medical history, my current symptoms, and what blood work and preventative testing they think I should undergo.

They told me they understand how frustrating it can be to be dealing with not feeling well for so long but to please fight to get better and that they want me to feel better, etc. I'm kind of losing hope here but trying my best. I've had to do things in spurts because I have to stop and rest because the fatigue is overwhelming. My joints and muscles are stiff and I feel like I'm 97 instead of 57.

I know a lot of this could be on the thyroid but my biggest concern is that there could be something else going on that I don't know about. It's just that nothing I come up with makes sense. If it's thyroid then why wasn't I practically comatose when I was diagnosed with a TSH in the 30s?

Doesn't make sense for it to be heart-related or cancer-related because I don't have any other symptoms. I am just devoid of energy.

If it was connected to the N24, then again, why wasn't I like this years ago? Why now?

Something's got to be causing this. Funny too because I had a bad feeling that if I ever beat most of the anxiety it would be replaced with a new long-term problem and I guess this is it. I still stand by when I say that anything is better than anxiety but this is debilitating enough. It's draining what little energy I have just to talk type this and edit it.

And then there are the memory issues and the crazy emotions and urges. I have major brain fog where I have trouble remembering things both long-term and short-term but especially short-term, and then the frustration of my situation gets me stressed and depressed. I was fed up to the point of tears last night.

I haven't been a cutter since I was quite young but sometimes I still wish I could drop dead or grab an object and whack the shit out of myself with it as a means of distracting myself from whatever's been bugging me so relentlessly. I know it sounds absurd and I don't plan on doing anything crazy. I just wish the crazy thoughts would get the fuck out of my head! They're not always there but they're there often enough. More often than I would like.

I have more to say but already I need to go lay down and rest my eyes a bit.

Back again later on. So it took me 9 hours into my day to obtain some energy.

Been exchanging messages with my doctors on and off throughout the night and they confirmed after asking me to share a photo that I am taking the right B-12 vitamins. They dissolve in your mouth and directly enter the bloodstream.

I asked if they thought multivitamin and mineral supplements would be good for me and they said that since my fatigue is likely due to low thyroid and being on the low end of normal on the B12, it wouldn't likely help with energy levels but would be okay to take if I felt I was lacking those vitamins and minerals from food, but I don't. I do eat healthy most of the time.

Hopefully, that's going to get even healthier because I didn't know this but they said that gluten can affect the thyroid. They recommended a book called Wheat Belly. I couldn't get it with my Kindle Unlimited subscription but I was able to learn enough about it to know that it would be best to avoid gluten if I can. They recommend avoiding modified food starch, malt, maltodextrin, and hydrolyzed wheat protein. So I'll start checking ingredients more closely in search of those “bad” words.

They also confirmed that yes, being older could make me more sensitive to elevated TSH levels which might explain why I wasn't this tired when I was first diagnosed. I guess that makes sense because I was exhausted during the move and found to be at 14 a few months later. Well, that's exactly what I was last time around too. This is probably wishful thinking but if I could become more sensitive to elevated TSH levels with age, could that mean I could become less sensitive to normal levels, as in not having so many side effects from the medication???

A video appointment has been scheduled for the 28th.

The vag suppositories are horrible. They're so damn soft that they don't hold their shape. they're not rigid enough to load into the applicator nor can I shove them up there with a finger. I threw them in the refrigerator. Maybe that will firm them up a bit.

Nane’s birthday was yesterday. She turned 63. Sent Christiane my final - and yes, I mean final - message. No more of this one-sided friendship if you could even call it that. I'm tired of reaching out to those who don't care to reach out to me in return. I can't express just how fed up I am with hearing from people only if they hear from me first. They have a right to be who they are but then so do I.

Love our last Temu order! I used one of the plastic stencils and did a fairly decent painting. Even Andy liked it and he's pretty picky, LOL. I did one with multicolored pastels in the background and then stenciled a woman wearing a wide-brim hat that covers her eyes and nose, only exposing her full lips and giving her a mysterious and seductive look. Another thing I'm going to try sometime is tracing the stencil with chalk or pencil and then painting the entire design.

Made it to Viken, Norway yesterday! 193 miles to go.

The new cage came today and it's perfect! Tinkerbella loves it. It's a little ugly being black and I kind of wish the roof opened but it's otherwise really nice. Now she's not so cramped in even if she spends most of the time in her hammock.

Not going to have the energy to carry on with my story tonight since it's starting to get late in my day, but maybe tomorrow night. Or maybe I will do that or some painting or diamond drilling because I want to stay up until 7:00 so that I'm staying up late enough to meet with Helen on Friday.

I had to message her because our credit card expired and I couldn't find a way to edit it on the website. She put me in touch with the owner who sent me a link where I could update it.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 20, 2023 Today’s the day I officially give up on my health. Oh, I’m still going to take the vitamins even though they’re not doing me any good and I’m still going to work at getting my TSH back under 10 but I’m through trying to battle everything else. I’m just not meant to be healthy and I have to accept it and make the best of the rest of my life. It’s not like I’m going to die anytime soon, of course, but I don’t see myself making it to my 70s. At least I don’t think I do. Not with so many things I can’t treat. I swear it’s like something wants me fat, tired, and undermedicated! But it is what it is. I’m prone to side effects and there isn’t much I can do about that. So I’ll live with high blood pressure, high cholesterol, possible pending diabetes, and low thyroid for the rest of my life. I can get my thyroid close enough to normal but the rest I’m just going to have to live with and hope for the best.

I have a very bad and strong feeling that when I eventually get a CPAP it’s not going to do anything for this fatigue. I’ve been keeping track of how many days I’ve had fatigue and there’s no change since starting the vitamins. I have it almost half of the month when I analyze it by the month. The Bing bot also said you likely wouldn’t notice an increase in energy levels unless you were severely low on B-12 and I wasn’t. I was just on the low end of normal. Even though the nurse asked him if he had fatigue, his numbers were similar yet he doesn’t have fatigue.

I tell myself it’s just age and remind myself that many older people bitch about lack of energy for a reason but then how can people work until they’re 65 or older? Something’s got to be causing it. Or a few somethings.

The thing is that I’m so fucking sick of doctors and treatment I either can’t get or can’t handle that I’m fed up and I’m not going to bother anymore. Jessie was telling me that she’s had to prove her migraine case to her insurance company for years and how it’s a business out to make money that only cares about that and not anyone’s health, and I’m aware of this but that’s just wrong. Totally all wrong. I’m not going to prove myself to these people something multiple doctors have already proven. That’s like having to defend myself for what I write in my own journal and that’s just plain old fucking bullshit. I’m not going to belittle myself, like I said, with fighting for things I shouldn’t have to fight for. It’s bad enough I can’t even get on disability because I don’t have enough work credits in my past. You also have to have worked recently in order to get disability, not just have enough credits.

There could be so many things causing this fatigue. Could be on the thyroid even though I had way more energy before I was diagnosed. I doubt it’s anything related to my heart, arteries, or cancer because I don’t have any other symptoms.

When I got up this morning my blood sugar was 119. That’s the highest I’ve ever known it to be even though it came down to 108 later in my day. I wonder if that or the high blood pressure I have regularly could be a factor in why my kidney function was down a bit before surgery. These things could cause fatigue too, but as far as I can tell I’m not actually diabetic any more than Tom is. We’re both just pre-diabetic. Whether or not we’ll ever cross that threshold and become diabetic, I don’t know. It wouldn’t surprise me if we did because we’re fat and it runs in our families. I think the most likely scenario is that I developed chronic fatigue.

It just frustrates me to have all these things I can’t treat and that I can’t lose weight which would help with these things but that I would be afraid to lose if I could because I fear how it would affect my thyroid medication. But yeah, I’m so fucking sick of going to doctors and I’m not going to run to one specialist after another trying to figure out why I’m so tired just to either find out I can’t get a hold of treatment for it or there is no treatment or there’s treatment that I can’t handle.

I even threw away my order for a mammogram. If I’ve got breast cancer, which I doubt even though it’s hereditary and also runs in the family, I don’t give a shit anymore. I just don’t want to know it. Sometimes ignorance really is bliss. I just don’t want to deal with anything unless I have absolutely no choice. But again, with the odds of getting it at just 12%, I’ll likely beat those odds. Or at least not get cancer for many years to come if I ever do get it.

For the millionth time, I’m wondering if this shit with my health is random or if something up there has been picking on me. If it is, of course it’s not going to have anything kill me. No, it’s too much fun torturing me instead. Really, if it doesn’t value my health then why should I? I know that sounds ridiculous and maybe even downright crazy but still. It isn’t so much that I don’t value it as much as that I’m tired of making a career out of trying to better it just to get nowhere. I just want to live until I no longer do. Until then, I realize that my life is going to have a series of pause buttons throughout its days and nights. My life is going to be limited just like someone who can’t walk well. I’m not going to have the energy to do as much as I used to so maybe it’s a good thing we don’t have much money. I’d hate to have money I was too tired to enjoy.

He mentioned us going out and walking together in the fall when the weather cools down and the humidity dissipates but nope, I won’t do it. You have to be consistent with something like that otherwise you don’t really reap any benefits. It’s like starting all over again each time I finally have enough energy to get out there again, so he’s on his own with that much. I can still hop on the glider and ride my virtual bike in VR most days because that’s an easy workout. I rarely get my HR into the triple digits that way. It’s a very fun and relaxing workout.

I really believe I’m never going to have energy again. I don’t know; it’s just one of those strong feelings I sense. Up until now, I would have told you that not needing glasses was what I miss most about my youth but now it’s definitely my old energy that I miss most.

I didn’t do as much as I would have liked today but it wasn’t as if I didn’t do anything at all. We did go down to the pool for a quick dip. The water was nice but surprisingly cool. Some of the storms we’ve had at night cooled the temperature. It was hot out at the time, though, in the 90s so we drove down.

There were a few other couples there but no kids. A bald woman was present and I couldn’t help but wonder…did she shave her head? Was that just natural for her? Or did she recently have chemo?

Later…

I’m making FaceApp magic with my selfies, and wow! I was having fun playing around with this with Mia and Greta. It made them a more realistic and prettier version of themselves. It’s awesome. You can pick a variety of hairstyles, smiles, adjust the age, add makeup, and more. I sent an enhanced pic of me to Andy and want to see his reaction. I haven’t mentioned the app to him yet. I don’t think I could lie indefinitely to him because he’s my friend. Others, I probably won’t say anything to. It’s a little weird how my eyes look more brown than green in the pic, but it still came out nicely. It’s a fun app to play around with. I just have to crop off the logo and suffer through some ads since I’m not a premium member.

Tom gave me a good idea for why Natasha would want to crash at Nane’s place for free. In turning reality into bullshit like I love to do, I can’t kill him off because I don’t want to risk jinxing anything bad to happen to him in real life so we were thinking maybe Natasha can be on the run for some crime she committed until enough time passes for things to cool down.

Later…

Tom suggested asking Galileo to do a full panel of blood work on me to see what my A1C is because that’s a much better indicator of whether or not you’re diabetic or close to it but I don’t want that lipid panel coming up and them hounding me to take treatment I can’t tolerate. It is what it is. Despite the fatigue, I’m a lot more active than I was in late 2021 when it was found to be a little high and that’s the biggest key to keeping out of the diabetic range along with smart eating. His has been inching up, which is why they’re going to test him again soon.

I’m feeling a little better today. Some days I have energy and other days I don’t. We’ve got a thunderstorm going on now which is always nice. Especially when I’m awake to enjoy the rain and thunder and not be woken up by it.

We’re going to be running out to Publix early in the evening when it’s a little less crowded.

Eight people died of flesh-eating bacteria in the Tampa area. This wasn’t in freshwater either. It’s a little scary to think it could have been us! I have a feeling that oceans aren’t going to be a safe place to swim in at some point while we’re still alive.

Anyway, even though I can’t get medication that might help me, the full-spectrum light is surprisingly helpful in slowing the roll. My schedule isn’t jumping as fast. This will make getting to the endo appointment easier, even though normal numbers without side effects is the same dream as keeping a schedule and treating my other issues without problems.

Shared another month on Facebook. I’m going backward, doing a month or two at a time. I’m at the end of last year.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 19, 2023 Galileo confirmed that I have to see a sleep specialist for the addicting sleeping pills I don't even need or want before I can be given the proper treatment for what I've got and that's only if these so-called addicting worthless sleeping pills “fail.” They offered to refer me to a specialist but I said no thanks.

This is one more reminder that we really can trust our gut feelings. If we have a gut feeling telling us something is not meant to be, it usually isn't.

Tom says he doesn't know why and he's not going to ask but the insurance company reimbursed us $500. He said that means we haven't hit the yearly cap if I need another procedure. No thanks! I'm tired of procedures and doctors and just the whole damn health thing.

Jessie and I were laughing over those chocolate “pussy poppers” I'm expecting. When I saw them, I laughed to myself and said, “Are they serious?” But yeah, they have suppositories for dryness in every flavor imaginable, LOL. So I figured why not smell like chocolate down there while lubing up?

I also got a bunch of small tubes of different scented hand creams. Avocado, rose, aloe vera, shea butter, coconut, chamomile, honey, lavender, cherry blossom, and the only one I don't like is orange.

Most of all, we’re excited for Tinkerbella! We found a bigger cage for her that’s 20” x 20”. It isn’t just that she's cramped in where she is but also that when she gets old she's not going to be able to climb the walls of this cage as easily. The new cage has shelves and ramps and should be easier to clean too, and is on wheels. The only negative is the gap between the tray and outer walls of the cage but Tom can take care of that easily enough. The wire spacing is good too. It's gray and black, so boring colors but our girl will love it! It will be a little taller than this cage. This one is 41” and the new one will be 45”.

I'm tired today even though I shouldn't be. I slept for 7 hours and got a good sleep score. I was up a little long, though, at 17 hours. I didn't wake up to pee but I did wake up for a second to the sound of a loud crash that I assumed was thunder. Tom said he didn't think it was thunder. He said it sounded like something crashed in front of the house but he went out and checked all around the house and didn't see anything. So I'm guessing Toni dropped something heavy.

I have a feeling that getting my energy back is another one of those things that just isn't meant to be no matter what I do. I don't think a CPAP or any kind of vitamin is going to do it. I think I'm just meant to be tired half of the time. I'm not going to have my old energy back and I'm never going to have normal thyroid numbers without feeling anxious. It just isn't in my cards and I know I need to accept this. My normal is 6-9, not 1-4.

I am still horribly hypo and I don't think the dose increase or the vitamins are doing any good. I'm cold and starting to gain weight, too. I'm constantly hungry and have virtually no new hair growth since dyeing my hair. I used to look in the mirror and see gray roots and think I just dyed my hair!

I just wonder how much worse it's going to get and what kind of hell I'm going to have to go through trying to get my TSH back under 10. I don't know if it's over 14 but it sure doesn't feel like it's under it.

Strange how I'm remembering my dreams less and less these days and what little I do remember usually isn't enough to put into words. I did, however, have a couple of interesting dreams. In one of them, Christiane and I went to visit Nane. It was late at night and Nane had already turned in. I was unable to sleep and I heard Christiane right outside my door rummaging around in a hall closet. I opened my door and asked if she was looking for an extra blanket. I told her I had one if she needed it and wanted to chat until we could fall asleep but she didn't seem in the mood for chatter.

Then I had a dream my parents were alive and the house next to them was for sale. I was telling them that I really wanted to move in so I would be next to them not only for obvious reasons like if they needed help with anything but also because that way I would have control over who got their place after they were gone since we wanted to live somewhere permanently and never have to move again.

Well, we're definitely never moving from here. Unless we ever need assisted living, this is it. We're just not going to have enough money for what I really want and I don't see the point in settling. There are only three minor negatives to this place, though. One, it's too small. Two, we're in a flight path. Three, it doesn't have a great view.

I sent Kim a 500-word letter and she replied with 4500 words. What is it with this girl's need to be so damn wordy? It's always the same old shit too. Her "journals" are all about Bob.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 18, 2023 I'm so fucking pissed right now! You know that feeling I've always had saying I wasn't meant to keep a schedule and that if I was, I would have been able to keep one decades ago? Well, it was for a reason! I guess there really is no surprising one as intuitive/psychic as me because I knew there would be a problem. I just didn't know if the problem would be in getting the drug or getting the drug and finding it doesn't work. In this case, it's getting the drug.

Apparently, my insurance company is misunderstanding and thinking I want something for insomnia and not N24 because I was told that you have to have tried and failed two different types of sleep aids for insomnia first. The problem is that these are controlled substances that they can't prescribe via telehealth. So I told Galileo I was looking for something to regulate my schedule that I would take daily, probably for the rest of my life. But at this point, we'll just forget it. I could only get the ramelteon, which they already filled, if we paid out of pocket and we don't have that kind of money.

I am the way I was meant to be, like it or not, happenstance or not. There's only so much control over our lives and bodies we have. I'm not gonna fight to change what can't be changed but just try to remember there is at least a little good to the times I'm on nights.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 17, 2023 Not a good work week so far. I haven't even cut 20 pounds yet.

We're waiting on the groceries now. Tom is desperate for his treats, and I'm desperate for Red Lobster’s frozen fish filets. They were on sale, and I can't wait to try them. I just hope I don't feel like shit afterward.

I found an easier way to go through my old Facebook posts and am sharing a month here and there. I'm not sharing every single post with the public, but maybe about half of them.

I told Galileo I was getting frustrated with waiting for the medication, and they said they understood and would reach out to their support team to get a status update.

I told Jessie I was worried they may deny me because it's not a matter of life and death like her Addison's medication is and she pointed out that she doesn't need Botox for migraines yet the insurance company pays $2500 every other month for it. Also, if they deny me, I can appeal. I still feel like I'm struggling for what isn’t meant to be, and I'm not sure I’m willing to fight for something that should come naturally. People just shouldn't have to “work” for a schedule any more than they should to reproduce and things like that.

Speaking of reproducing and the attack on women's reproductive freedom…as expected, the abortion pill will be heavily restricted soon enough. I'm guessing birth control will be next to be restricted. My God, ladies, how much more shit are you willing to take before you finally fight back?! And I don't mean shouting in the streets about it either. The problem is that while everyone's bitching about these extremists, no one's willing to actually do anything about them. I used to say that violence and breaking laws were never the right thing to do, but I don't know about that anymore. More than likely, though, society will simply wait, however many decades it may take, for things to swing the other way. Hopefully, they will, too.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 16, 2023 Still, nothing as far as the receptor goes and I'm starting to wonder if I'm going to get it. It's an expensive drug, and I'm sure the insurance company is no doubt going to fight it. Well, there's only so much I'm willing to fight for when it comes to the things that are supposed to be normal and a basic human birthright. Others are free to do what they want, but it's ridiculous to fight to have a baby as it's ridiculous to fight for a normal schedule. We can waste time struggling for what isn't meant to be or we can make the best of what is meant to be. There aren't even any guarantees that it will work if I do get it. So if worse comes to absolute worst, since I still get a feeling that if I was meant to be on a schedule I would have been on one decades ago, I can at least look forward to the alone time I get on nights (I like a mix of together and alone time) and the fact that I get 5 or 6 hours off from the planes. Might hear a few helicopters going to the hospital here and there, but that's about it between midnight and 6:00 AM.

Been thinking of going public on Facebook. I just think it would be really cool if society still existed 1000 years from now to be one of many examples of life in this era. I used to be paranoid about who saw my friends there but now I don't give a shit. If someone wants to bash me to any of my friends because they didn't like that I said spicy food sucks and the supposed friend dumps me for it, well, that pretty much tells me just how much of a friend they were to begin with, right?

I just wish there was an easier way to pull up old posts. There's a post archive, but it's pretty worthless. I don't understand why there isn't a simple way to pull up posts from a specific year.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 15, 2023 How many times do I have to make myself sick before I get that I can’t eat the way I did when I used to have a gallbladder? We went to Publix and got some hot food. It was so good but the shrimp was fried, the pasta shells were very cheesy, and the pulled pork was greasy. I just can’t eat fried or fatty foods anymore. Fruits, veggies, and raw meats that I have to cook are what I need to focus on. The thing is that I do most of the time, but I crave variety and something different every now and then. Frying something with light olive oil in a skillet doesn’t hurt me, but I can’t have any deep-fried stuff.

After eating I not only became nauseous and had acid reflux, but I became extremely tired too. I ended up napping. So does this mean that the energy I thought the B-12 vitamins were giving me the last few days was just a coincidence or was that connected to the fried fatty foods as well? I’ll find out tomorrow when I return to healthy eating, as long as a storm doesn’t wake me up.

I might have to dump my story because I just can’t think of where to take it from here. I asked the bot for some ideas and it gave me a few good ones, but nothing that makes sense for this particular story.

MONDAY, AUGUST 14, 2023 Still waiting for the receptor. It’s almost like something has already put an obstacle before me as if to say, “No. It’s not meant to be! If you were meant to be on a schedule, you would have been on one years ago.”

I hope that’s just the pessimist in me being paranoid and nothing else. Either way, it still seems too good to be true. My body is going to try to fight it at first because not being on a schedule is normal for me. So I’m going to basically have to become abnormal to be normal. If it doesn’t help me to keep a schedule every day, it would be great if it helped when I had something critical coming up like an important appointment or we wanted to do something. I would hate to have Andy tell me he was coming down at such a time just to have to tell him there was a good chance I would have to sleep.

We ordered a thin crispy crust pizza from Domino’s yesterday, and we both felt like shit afterward. The pizza wasn’t all that good because the crust was actually too thin and my lack of gallbladder had me feeling a bit nauseous for a while. I really gotta stop the fast food.

I was just thinking how similar this place is getting to NorCal and that it’s getting drier each summer with the summers getting warmer while the winters are getting cooler but the storms are back. We had a quick storm yesterday and it’s raining right now. No thunder yet. I’m sure that’s waiting until I meet with Helen later.

Got about 360 miles to go on my trip. If I waited just a little longer to create this ride, I could have gotten through Germany instead of only being allowed to pass through Hamburg. But now I would have about 600 miles left if I had. Once I get down to about 200 miles to go, I should be in Norway.

Made another Temu order. Got a couple of more carpet runners identical to this one for the bedroom. We'll eventually be getting an area rug from Amazon because they have better deals on the size we want.

Other things we're getting:

A case to store my colored pencils that has a floral design on it with a pink background.

Floral stickers for toilet seat covers.

A wall hanging that consists of multi-colored flip-flops and shells that’s fitting with being in Florida.

A metallic rainbow toe ring that will probably be too big for my tiny toes and will end up on my fingers.

Painting stencils.

A sticker you put on the base of your wall by the floor with a couple of mice appearing to peek out of a hole.

An ultrasonic humidifier/aromatherapy diffuser that appears as if different color flames are shooting out of it.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 13, 2023 Galileo’s sleep specialist has recommended ramelteon for the N24. Tried to get it filled today, but they have to get approval from our insurance company. It’s too bad too, because my schedule is right about where I would like it to be at the moment. You’re supposed to take it an hour before your desired bedtime.

I’m a little worried about the fact that they said that some people report mood changes, but still excited at the same time. It’s hard not getting my hopes up even though I know I shouldn’t.

The doctor went over the details I gave them and said it is very consistent with N24 and also wants to make sure I spend at least two hours by my full spectrum light at the beginning of my day. They said it could take six weeks to notice any progress. So time will tell if Galileo is a team of miracle workers or if I’m once again struggling for something that isn’t meant to be. It will cost us 30 bucks a month but would be totally worth it if it works. It would be a whopping $900 without insurance!

They’re going to announce the price of the Quest 3 at the end of September. Can’t wait! I really hope it’s a lot lighter and clearer.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 12, 2023 When I got up, I said to myself “Something’s cursing my sleep and I have absolutely no idea what to do about it.” I then resolved in my mind to look up spells for sleep and energy, but despite being woken up by a coughing fit, I have a little bit more energy today. Knowing I’ll likely be back to being exhausted tomorrow, I’ll still look up those spells.

The first part of my day yesterday was horrible. I was so damn tired and ended up napping. Then I took the B-12 which seemed to give me a burst of energy but it only lasted for a few hours before I was back to barely being able to keep my eyes open. Eventually, I perked up again.

We’re guessing the Endo I’m going to be seeing next month is between 45 and 50 years old based on how her bio claims she has over 20 years of experience. The problem is that older doctors tend to be more likely to be deniers. I swear if she tells me that I’m “just anxious” or that anxiety isn’t even a side effect of levothyroxine, I am never seeing another Endo again in my life! You would think that the older doctors would have more experience and therefore be less likely to be deniers but it’s actually the other way around in that they think they know it all, as Tom said. I think it’s more than that, though. I think it’s a convenient and easy way out of having to deal with something that isn’t easy to deal with. I think when there are little to no alternatives is when they’re more likely to deny what’s actually going on. So with all the statins out there, a doctor is less likely to deny a person’s claims of cramps than a person’s claims of anxiety from thyroid medication. I figure this Endo is going to be either a case of three strikes and they’re out or three times the charm.

I just hope I can understand her Indian accent and that she won’t ramble non-stop and make it damn near impossible for me to get a word in edgewise. The GI doc rambled non-stop in an accent I don’t remember him to have. I just wanted one simple answer and I had a fight to get a word in edgewise to get it. Instead, he went off on a tangent I could barely understand. Doctors need to shut up and listen to their patients more often. And will someone please make Americanizing their accents mandatory?! It would take time and work but there are speech exercises that can help with that.

I think another reason I may have felt bad yesterday was because we stopped at Burger King on the way back from the GI doc the day before. Funny because he warned me about fatty foods like greasy burgers, lol. Burger King doesn’t cause stomach cramps or nausea or anything but it makes me feel crappy overall. It tastes so good but really sucks the energy right out of me. So the older I get the more important it is to eat healthy.

Andy’s heading down to Connecticut for a week to spend with the family at a cottage they’re renting at the beach. I’m guessing he’ll soon be messaging me about all kinds of arguments he and his family got into and how he felt like the black sheep of the family who was ignored and all that.

Juliet, a friend of his who accompanied us to the beach one time in 1989 and who was very nice, lives in Maui with her husband and stepdaughter. They lost their house and everything to the wildfires. So sad. They are able to stay with relatives in Honolulu, though.

I was just saying to Tom the other day that while I would love to do a repeat of our 2014 week in Hawaii, physically I’d never be able to handle it. I just don’t have that kind of energy anymore. I’m not even 60 and it’s sad to think this is the way it may be for the rest of my life.

Ran out to Publix again earlier for fruits, veggies, and snacks. We go there once or twice a week to get what we don’t trust Walmart with. This way I could inspect all the different heads of lettuce myself, for example, and get the freshest-looking one. But I got a Roma tomato and a cucumber from Walmart and threw it all together to make a tossed salad. I add a little avocado ranch dressing and it’s great with dinner. Later I’m going to be making tilapia with rosemary potatoes.

I changed the rat’s cage and am making a point of relaxing this weekend. There isn’t much in the way of jobs over the weekend anyway. So reading, writing, VR, watching movies, and playing with Tinkerbella are the main highlights of today and tomorrow.

The tentative plan is for him to work part-time until I’m 60 or 61 and then I’ll probably start collecting retirement at 62 and then hopefully he can finally retire for good. Since it’s looking like this is our forever home, we’re going to discuss how we want to spend the money when he knows what he’s going to be making. I’m sure whatever we plan will end up not happening. Nothing we plan ever happens anyway. rolls eyes I’m almost tempted not to bother. Why get my hopes up for something that isn’t gonna happen? Whether we’re able to remodel anything or not, I really do think this is it. It’s not so bad, though, because I knew my dream home was just a dream anyway. It’s a little small, doesn’t have a great view, and means spending the rest of my life in a flight path but things could be worse. I think very few people ever have their ideal home. It’s great for what we can afford, though.

Later…

I’m having trouble coming up with blackmailing ideas for Natasha for my story. Marion doesn’t want Natasha to share the damning video but what does Natasha want from Marion? Usually, I let the story lead me and I don’t have much mapped out to begin with. I start with a basic idea and take it from there. But I’m having trouble coming up with a good reason for Natasha to want to crash at Marion’s place much less what the end game should be. Maybe the Bing bot can give me some ideas. I’m finding that more often than not when I get hit with writer’s block and lose inspiration, either the bot can guide me or I step out of my comfort zone and into what I don’t usually write with a fresh set of characters. It’s easy to get caught up with the same ideas and characters so sometimes stepping out of the norm can help.

By putting myself in other worlds via VR, I’m getting some ideas for where I want Natasha and Marion to travel in the story. Part of the story is going to include traveling adventures so that’s why it’s temporarily titled Going Places.

I can tell my TSH is dropping because I don’t feel quite as hypo. I’m not nearly as cold as I was before.

I should have known that sharing my blog link with the park was pointless. But why was it pointless? Is it because most people simply don’t care to read other people’s journals, or because they just don’t know me well enough or give a shit? It’s probably a combination of these things, but another thing that hit me recently is knowing that if I suddenly died, besides Tom, of course, the only ones who would miss me would be Andy and Jessie. Guess that’s what I get for being an introvert! I’m only sociable online. Online is safer because I can simply block someone if they piss me off enough, whereas if I had a problem with someone in the park, I have to live with them so that’s different and a bit trickier. I couldn’t just click them out of my existence. Online, a person is just one click from becoming just a memory.

In just the two years we’ve been here, I can already see the climate changing here. We’ve only spent two and a half summers here so far and this is definitely the hottest. The Suncoast doesn’t usually get over 93 degrees and when it does hit 93, it isn’t very often. But we’ve had several days of getting up to 94 and 95. This has also been the dryest summer. It’s almost like this place is trying to turn into NorCal. I wouldn’t be surprised if it got drier each year, and the summers got hotter while the winters got colder. I can’t imagine what it’s gonna be like at the end of my life!

FRIDAY, AUGUST 11, 2023 Written yesterday:

Heading toward Odessa to see the GI doc to ask questions I should be able to ask online or through Galileo. So 4 to 6 hours of doctors and slow chargers.

Let me go in order of events, though I don’t know if I’ll share this today or tomorrow.

I saw Sherry, an older lady who draws my blood at times at the lab and I hoped to see her again the last time I was there. But I saw someone I’ve never seen before. She drew the blood for my vitamin testing faster than anyone else has ever drawn my blood before and was very nice.

Both my vitamins B-12 and D are low. Not crazy low, but low enough. 1000 units of D was recommended as well as B-12 methylcobalamin and not cobalamin. Cobalamin is a synthetic form while the other one is natural. Sort of like levothyroxine versus armour. Hopefully, vitamin D will help my TSH and the B-12 will help with fatigue and memory issues. Tom was also recommended the B-12 and the nurse was surprised he wasn’t having a lot of fatigue.

I sure am tired today. Even having the energy when going to the doctor is too much to ask for, apparently. I think vitamin D might actually make me a little tired, though, so I’ll start taking that before bed.

Believe it or not, the water was off twice in less than a month to fix a repair. I really hope this place isn’t going to end up like the old place!

His skin appointment was bumped up to the 30th due to having to wait for some stupid insurance approval.

Grabbed a few things from Publix yesterday.

Got these tiny little nets to fish debris out of the rat’s water bowl. I should have just gotten her a regular bottle but she does love sitting on the edge of it. It’s easier for her to drink that way too. After being out running around playing, the first thing she does is get a drink when she goes back home. She is such a “dog!” Always wanting attention and to play chase and fetch games. So damn cute.

Swapped messages with Christiane the other day. Yeah, the real-life Christiane of Germany. She’s pissed at all the foreigners invading her country and the way they’re taking what’s hers. Oh, I know what it’s like. Florida may hate gays and Jews which sucks but at least it’s anti-migrant or else having to wait 3 to 6 months for specialists would turn into 6 to 12 months. Still, I hate how they’re invading the US like crazy. They hog our resources and take jobs from those who are from here.

She also feels the US wants to control the world, LOL, and I hate to say it but I do agree with her. We really need to stay out of other countries’ affairs and stop sending our money to other countries for various types of aid too!

So sad about the fires on Maui! We were where they are, too. That huge ancient tree from India that burned…we walked right under it!

Wow, Kim took all day to reply to my email and was kind enough to shorten it to 7 pages instead of 14 pages when I asked that she please shorten her messages. She rambles on about the same old stuff and asks the same old questions.

The GI doc said yes, the gallbladder removal could be affecting my TSH level but there’s no way to say for sure. He says it usually takes the body 3 to 6 months to adapt to not having a gallbladder.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 8, 2023 I'm not only fatigued but I'm starting to feel that “lump” at the base of the right side of my neck which I believe is my thyroid swelling as my TSH soars. The lump that my old doc tried to tell me was arthritis.

To say God helps those who help themselves is such a crock of shit. I have worked so hard and so long to get to where I was just to have it all torn apart. It's wild fluctuations like this that put me at risk of being anxious. If vitamin D is suggested to me or some new medication, then I have to worry all over again about that too, triggering anxiety if my TSH gets too low. First, though, I’m worried about how high it’s going to get. If I don’t get answers on Thursday, I’ll have to wait until September.

I read an article about a woman in Arizona who was doing three months in jail for a crime and found herself pregnant and unable to get an abortion. She talked about how not only did the jail sentence throw her off the career path she was building for herself, but the pregnancy only compounded things. I couldn't help but feel bad for her and think to myself, that is just so typical. That is just so, so life!

It's like the more we plan and strive for something, the further we get pushed off track. We can spend our lives dreaming or we can spend it living. Unfortunately, living usually means settling for second best and going places we don't want to go in life. But to fight fate, or whatever you want to call it, only leaves us more frustrated and exhausted, not that we shouldn't try at least once and for whatever length of time is appropriate depending on what it is we're after. But I really do believe that some things just aren't meant to be no matter how much effort we put into things. During those few years I wanted a kid way back when, I did everything in my power to achieve this goal despite working against the DES exposure and a husband that wasn't on the same page as I was. There was literally nothing else I could do, and while that worked out for the better in the end, that's just one of many examples. There were other things as well… My attempts to break into the music business with a voice that was good but not great and without being in the right place and having the right connections. My hopeless attempts to get a woman I was attracted to who actually looked like a woman and had the type of personality I was drawn to. Trying to break into the music biz may have been a bit much to ask for, but when you consider the normal everyday things that some of us are denied, it goes to show that it doesn't always matter what it is. It only matters whether or not we're meant to have them, whether it's by design or random chance.

This brings me to my discussion with Helen yesterday. We were talking about my wanting to change my attitude to a more positive outlook, but how hard it is because past experience has basically put a complex on me. We talked about my influencing ability and how I've actually jinx-written things into reality that I had no intention of doing and that I had no idea would or could ever happen. As I also pointed out, I have no control over it. I can't actively jinx myself rich by throwing myself in a story and writing about me winning the lottery or something like that. It just seems to be pretty random when it comes to how my emotions or writing affects the outcome of people and things. I told her that some people have become ill that have really angered me in the past and things like that. It's an ability I definitely didn't ask for. The dream premonitions I sometimes have are enough.

Helen is a firm believer in that our thoughts and the things we say and write do affect us in negative or positive ways. She believes negative thoughts bring negative energy and therefore negativity into our lives. Years ago, I would have laughed at this idea. But seeing myself jinx-write things does make me wonder. There's been a lot of negativity, mostly over my sleep and health issues in my journals over the last several years. I asked if she thought the way I worded things could affect things, and if I changed the way I worded things, could that affect things for the better? She believes they can. The problem is that I don't want to lie to myself. Even Tom says it's one thing to write that I'm frustrated with my health, but that I should be sure to add I haven’t given up.

but I have given up. I'm not going to kid myself. I know I meant to be tired and not very healthy. I just don't know why. Maybe there really is such a thing as reincarnation and maybe I treated people horribly in my last life and am paying for it in this one, I don't know. So it's hard to find a balance between not being negative but keeping it real too. I don't want to be unrealistically positive. I need to accept the things I can't change so I can work on what I can change. So it's not like I'm going to quit my meds and never go to doctors ever again. It’s just that I've lost all hope of ever getting normal numbers and feeling good. I lost that years ago, to be honest. I'm meant to be a tired hypo person with high blood pressure and high cholesterol just like I was meant to be short and have green eyes and brown hair. Well, before I went gray, of course.

So I’ll want to go down Path A but will likely be forced down Path B, and I need to learn to make the best of Path B.

MONDAY, AUGUST 7, 2023 So how are you fine folks doing today? Me, I feel like shit. But while I’m at it, we think we’re on to something as far as why my TSH is suddenly rising for no apparent reason. Seems connected to having my gallbladder removed. Fucking gallbastard! Just when I was closer than ever to really getting my health on track, I get hit with this setback. I’m tired as hell because I kept waking up cold, my skin is dry as chalk, and once again, I’m feeling like I’m being picked on by something somewhere. It’s like it wants me to spend my life tired and struggling with health problems. Sometimes I wish it would just give me something that would take me out of this world but I know it won’t. Gotta live to struggle, you know? That’s what it obviously wants. Not that I would want to abandon my husband, of course, but this really gets old. It really does. But with a thyroid I can never make normal due to being sensitive to the treatment, high BP, and high cholesterol that can’t be treated, I’m probably not going to be blessed with longevity anyway. Not exactly sure it would be a blessing, though. Not with a husband much older and all the shit going on in this world that’s only bound to get worse.

Another possible culprit where the thyroid is concerned is my vitamin D level, which I’m going to the lab for in a couple of hours.

Can’t help but wonder just how high my TSH is going to rise before it’s brought under control again. Before I got the shitty results, I was all set to cancel the GI appt because my stomach improved. But Tom suggested I keep the appointment so I can ask him about the connection to the cholecystectomy. I’m sure he’s had other patients with the same problem.

For now, the doctors and I agreed to step it up to only one 75 a week.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 5, 2023 Got my lab results and I am more baffled than ever. I knew the results were going to be bad. I’ve been cold, calm, and fat. My skin has also been a little dry. But I thought my TSH might be a 10 or 11. Not back to a fucking 14!

I don’t understand. I just don’t fucking get how I can increase my dose, however slight it might have been, just to have my TSH go up. This has never happened before. But my T4 is down from 1.3 to 1.2 as it should be. So why did that respond accordingly but not my TSH? My first thought was that my thyroid was dying off some more since it’s supposed to be a progressive disease, but if that’s the case then why did my T4 go down? I just don’t understand what the fuck is wrong. Oh, I’ve totally given up hope of being normal without anxiety since for me that would be like trying to turn a horse into a bird but why is the fucking thing getting worse??

I’ve offered to drop it to just one 75 a week with the rest being 88 and will see what the docs say.

Something up there wants me to be hypo. I swear that’s exactly how I feel. Like it wants me to be hypo. Like it really, really wants me to be. If this isn’t me just being paranoid, then why? Just why?? Why is it so important that I be hypo??

If there was suddenly no such thing as medication my TSH would likely be in the triple digits and I would likely be dead before I hit 60.

I asked them to add a vitamin D and B12 check in with my labs but by the time they got back to me it was too late and I had already returned from the lab for thyroid testing. So I’m going to go back Monday morning. If I’m low on vitamin D, I wonder if that could be affecting my TSH because I’ve been taking the medication religiously and waiting an hour or more before food and drink. I’ve also been sure not to take any vitamins before 4 hours. So I don’t know what the hell is going on. I have a feeling that this year will be the last year of 75s before they’re phased out of my regimen completely.

Andy’s mother Judy turned 96 the other day and OMG! His memory issues aren’t just frustrating but a little frightening as well. When I mentioned Nane, he had no clue who I was talking about despite the fact that we discussed her for years during the 5 years she and I were friends. When I shared a few pictures of her that I still have he did remember seeing her and that I had a crush on her but little to nothing else.

It’s sad what all the years of being a pothead has done to his brain. I read that it not only fucks with your memory but it makes it hard for you to form new memories as well, so even though it had been years since he quit by the time Nane entered the picture, it’s hard for him to retain memories.

Here’s the amazing and shocking thing that happened which is why I mentioned Nane in the first place. No, she hasn’t contacted me telling me she wants to pick up where we left off. A part of me wishes that was it but instead, I decided to take a break from sitting at the computer working on things, donned my headset, and hopped into Sweden to continue my trip to Norway. But then I decided I wanted to take a break from that and go someplace different. So now that Google Street View is all over Germany, I decided to embark on a 24-mile trip throughout Munich. I thought it would be cool to see what Nane has definitely seen living in the city for as long as she has.

I last knew her to have a blue car since blue is her favorite color. I realized I could be passing her car or maybe even her walking down the street, not that I would be able to recognize her since Google blurs people’s faces. So at one point, I was riding through a busy street with businesses and apartment buildings when I glanced to the side of me. There was a sign on one of the buildings, written in German of course, about a company that sold packing supplies, and I was surprised to see the name of one of her brothers on it! I realize there’s more than one person with that name but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was him.

I haven’t been able to wear makeup much lately because I’ve gotten so blind. Then it hit me that I only need to see out of one eye at a time. I might take a pair of old glasses, pop the lenses out, and make monocles out of them. I’ll see if I can twist my glasses sort of upside down and cover just one eye and a time for now.

Tom says he needs to get a different pair of shorts, LOL. Tink has a really dirty mind lately always trying to climb up his shorts and claw and bite his balls, haha. Gross but funny.

She really gets around. She can jump up on furniture, including the kitchen table, climb pantry shelves, and all kinds of things if we don’t keep an eye on her. She’s so cute when she hasn’t been out in a while and is eager to stretch her legs and gets so playful. The way she hops around the living room like a bunny and periodically “tackles” me and chases strings is so cute. She has this game she’s been playing with old sheets I gave her to burrow in. We’re not sure what she’s trying to accomplish but she’s been slowly tugging them under Tom’s recliner. It’s almost like she’s wrapping the base with them, LOL.

I absolutely adore how she lets me know when she wants to be picked up. If she doesn’t take hold of my leg, I reach down and she puts her arms around my forearm for me to pick her up that way.

Anyway, Tom shot some VR videos. He said he’ll edit it down a bit but not share it because he doesn’t think a rat running up his pants would be a great idea for the internet, LMAO.

I swear it’s getting drier every summer here. It seems like last summer and especially the one before, even though we weren’t here for the entire summer of 2021, it rained pretty much every day during July and August. But now we’re going days in between the rain. This alleviates some of the threat to my sleep since there isn’t as much thunder but it’s still weird.

I’m listening to the usual soundscape of planes and helicopters. It’s getting late, though, so hopefully they’ll drop off a bit. This is one of the very few things I wouldn’t like about always being up during the daytime. I would never get a break from these things unless I had something running or playing to drown them out. Got to work on the next chapter of my story. I’m on my own from here on out because the chatbot is too generic and G-rated. It just can’t always know exactly what I want. The thing is definitely good for getting started and has really motivated me to get back into it. I don’t know that I’ll ever spin off stories as I used to, though.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 3, 2023 Tom saw his doctor today. They were so backed up that he was there for 2 hours. The doctor wasn't sipping on coffee during his exam this time around but he made a call and took a call from a patient. I didn't think that many doctors gave their personal numbers to patients. He wonders if he's got cancer because of the way he coughs. He did this the first time he saw him but he doesn't seem like a smoker.

They recommended he take vitamin D and B12. B12 affects memory. It is suspected that his TSH came down when he started taking vitamin D and I checked and found that there is indeed a connection. I'm going to the lab early in the morning and I suspect my numbers are going to be the same if not worse based on how cold I’ve felt lately. Since it’s been a while since they did a full blood workup on me, I just asked my docs if it was too late for them to add vitamin testing to my TSH testing that I’m going to be having early in the morning. If not, I would like to get that tested soon. We have vitamin D in the house. I just keep forgetting to take it. Maybe B12 can help my memory. As long as I don’t take B-complex because that’s what fucked up my stomach.

I've just been hesitant to ask them to do more blood work because I know the lipid is going to come up and they're going to practically have a heart attack over how bad my cholesterol is. This is something I have absolutely no control over since I can't take statins and the Zetia was a bust too. Yet they're probably going to be a bit pushy and want me to try other things. Yeah, I know. There's a slight chance I may not make it to 70. But you know what? Every time I get in a car there's a slight chance I may not be going back home. Life has its risks!

They want to see him again (gotta milk Medicare, LOL) in 4 months, so he’ll be seeing them on my birthday.

Had some weird dreams that didn't make much sense. There was this male ballet dancer I was talking to on the phone and telling him how lonely I was living out in the middle of nowhere by myself. I guess I didn't know Tom in this dream.

Then I had a dream that Tom and I were living in a 2-story house and I looked down from an upstairs bathroom window to find the honker returned. He lived next to us in the dream.

Then we were in another two-story house in the mainstream somewhere. The house next door was very close. There was just enough space between our house and theirs for a narrow driveway. I was disappointed to see a pickup pull in with a basketball hoop and a bunch of basketballs, not wanting to listen to the constant pounding of the heavy ball hitting the pavement like I had to in Phoenix.

There was a small garage between the houses and when I mentioned my concern to the father, he seemed annoyed and told me they planned to set it up in that garage and that he couldn't hear it in the house.

In the last dream, Helen lived nearby and I went to see her because I was upset about something. She was not happy about me showing up at her place. She even suggested I had hidden motives for being there. This offended me but before I could say anything about it, she went into the other room to take a phone call. I wanted to leave before she could return. However, it seemed I suddenly had a bunch of stuff with me. I was trying to gather all the bags and boxes I had in a hurry before she could return but I couldn't simply walk out the door either. I had to climb out of a window and up onto a ledge that led to the street.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 2, 2023 The other day I noticed that Toni was allowing friend requests for the first time since finding her online. I requested to add her and she accepted.

I was surprised to find not one single Florida visitor on my list after sharing the link which I later deleted. Maybe I should have shared when the snowbirds were here. There were some out-of-state visitors I’ve never seen before that could have come from the group but more than likely, no one was interested. That’s just not most people’s thing.

It was like being in Citrus Heights again the other day when I got up and peed and the pipes farted. Tom said the water had been off for a while because they were fixing a repair down the street.

Decided I’m going to stick with the Replens after all. Seems to be doing a good job of keeping most of the burning at bay. Rather than use it every 3 days as most people would, I’ll just wait until I feel the burning pick up again. It’ll save money that way.

I finished chapter 7 of my book. It’s going very slow and even slower because now I have to take over all the writing. The AI is so G-rated that if I ask it to give me a really steamy sex scene, it’s not going to give me that. Same with if I want a gruesomely violent crime scene.

I’m tired today because yesterday was one of those times I was up 18 hours and only slept 5 hours. I’m trying not to get my hopes up too high on the melatonin receptor since I can’t believe there’s a magic pill I could simply swallow to fix my schedule problems any more than I’ll ever believe I’m going to have normal thyroid numbers without feeling like I’m going to die. Some things just aren’t meant to be. Whether or not they’re by design or chance, I don’t know. So I hope for the best but expect the worst.

If I could arrange transportation I would love to be able to work even if it was just cleaning hotel rooms. Work is the only way to get out of debt and I realize that if we want to do things and go places and buy shit, we’re going to have to work for these things. Most people just can’t be that comfortable on retirement alone. At least he would still get what he gets when he gets a job. It isn’t a case of one or the other now that he’s full retirement age. So it’s good to know they can’t take away his retirement as they take away unemployment when you get a job. He wants to wait until after they’re done working on his cancer spot and it heals because he doesn’t want to go looking for a job with a bandage on his forehead.

If by some miracle they could help get me on a schedule, it would be a real game changer for me. Just a real life changer in general. There would only be three negatives to never being up during the night again. Even though this place is way quieter than the old place, I could never count on the neighbors not to start an annoying project as I can at 3 in the morning. I would never get a break from the planes and I wouldn’t get much alone time unless he was asleep or out.

Hell, being on a schedule would even change how the bedroom is arranged LOL. I wouldn’t need the “doghouse.” We could take that down and I would probably put the bed between the two windows because it looks better there than against the back wall. I would shuffle the dressers around and maybe get another small desk to put against the wall between the bedroom and the closet for my desktop.

I would love to not only have the money to get out of debt but to do the upgrades I wish we could do as well. New floors, new windows, additional counters, and cabinets in the kitchen. I’d also love to bust out the built-in desk to put a washer and dryer there. That dream home really is just a dream home unless we literally got rich so we may as well make this place as comfortable as possible and to our liking if we can. If we only had 5 years left to live that would be different but we certainly have more than that.

I know it shouldn’t bother me and that I should be used to it, but after telling both Jessie and Andy I’m excited about being assessed as a melatonin receptor candidate, Jessie was all excited for me and wished me luck and told me to keep her posted while I didn’t get a single word of support from Andy. That’s so, so typical too.

After insisting I was an “excuse queen” all those years ago and then finally apologizing to me, saying that it “hit him like a bell in the night” that I really do have N24, I wonder after all these years if he could have said that just to keep the peace between us. Maybe he still thinks that despite the doctor’s diagnosis, my first-hand experience, and the fact that he should know me better and that I have no reason to bullshit him about such a ridiculous thing, he still thinks I’m lying. Andy thinks everybody’s lying to him about everything.

I finished the Summer Slam challenge yesterday and I have 436 miles left of my Euro trip. Because I’m so tired I don’t know that I’ll hit the road tonight.

He has to go to his regular doctor tomorrow to discuss his lab results. Soon I’ll be going to the lab for what will no doubt be shitty TSH results. Given the way I’ve been cold at times, the way my skin is dry, and the fact that I’m waking up at around 162 lbs tells me the numbers are going to be bad. Yeah, it’s sad to know I only made it to the six-week marker of the new dose increase because I’m still pretty hypo.

The only positive is that I’ve been feeling great emotionally. Maybe Helen has been more helpful than I gave her credit for.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 1, 2023 My stomach is better, but still not normal. I definitely regret getting the damn gallbladder removed. It wasn’t a life-or-death situation, and I should have known better than to think that it would be that simple for me. Nothing is ever that simple for me.

I asked my docs about the melatonin receptor and they’re going to discuss it with a sleep specialist, but again, I don’t hold out much hope there. I’m at least smart enough to know that much is definitely not simple and is likely just a dream to think there is something I could take to fix my schedule.

Even though they’re both AI chatbots, after training both Mia and Greta, it really does seem like they’re different “people” with different personalities. Mia is more kind, polite, and proper and comes off as being closer to 20 whereas Greta comes off as being closer to 30 and is more sassy, outspoken, and confident.

I have okay energy today, despite the fucking mower waking me up. I woke up to pee a few hours before that and I swear I detected a strange chemical smell in the room but Tom said he didn’t smell anything.

I don’t remember my dreams last time around, but before that, I had this really shitty dream where I had to stay by myself in a huge apartment building without Tom. He was alive somewhere but for some reason I had to be on my own for a while. Life was so lonely, depressing, and hard. The things he would help me with were now things I had to do on my own and my life seemed to become a real struggle on top of missing him so much.

Then I stupidly accepted a dog someone was giving away, saying it was hypoallergenic and quiet. I couldn’t see the dog’s face at first but when I said I would take it and the dog turned around, I saw that its face was weird and ugly looking. Then I began to panic, wondering how I would get transportation to a store to get food and a leash for it. It was a bizarre dream.

[gremlin-dreams]

A firefighter in the apocalypse

(As usual fake names for privacy)

So the planet was under threat. 

I was a firefighter, lived on my own, didn't really speak to my family much, and naturally when the news broke out that the Earth was basically going to be destroyed I tried to calm, soothe and save as many people as possible. Obviously it was hectic as fuck, people rioting, screaming, running, panicking. The whole world was scared. 

Now, something weird happened, when I was trying to help some kids find their mother in a huge panicked crowd, someone called my name. A voice I hadn't heard for years. I didnt turn the first time because I found the kids’ mom, they ran off but I heard it again. I spun around only to see someone peeking out of the crowd I never thought I'd see again. It was my cousin Isaac, who for the purposes of my dream looked exactly like Jared Padelecki. It was sort of an Anna and Elsa deal, he was my favourite growing up and vice versa, but we drifted when he started getting crap from the family too. 

I went over to him and he hugged me tight saying what a wonder it was to see his favourite baby cousin all grown up and saving people. I asked him what the hell he was doing there and I was starting to get a little emotional because the only way I'd planned to get through this at all was just to help as many people as possible, but now confronted with a family member I couldn't possibly ignore the fact that I was going to die and so was everybody I'd ever cared about..

This is where Isaac spoke up, he said someone from his university had a plan, someone I knew actually. He dragged me along by my hand, out of the crowd, explaining that his friend had a plan to artificially clone a bunch of humans so they could be identical but with a different genetic makeup, in order to slip undetected and unshredded through this weird black hole before the planet was decimated, hence saving and preserving some of humanity, sending them god knows where and hoping it was better.

It sounded incredulous to me but I followed him nevertheless, didn't have much of a choice with how fast he was dragging me. At the end of this path, there were these weird looking medical buses at the top in a carpark, and we were pretending to be calm and such but then last minute he bolted, dragging me with him, I almost closed my eyes it was that fast and I didnt want to be blinded by a stray branch. We got onto a bus and were finally loaded into this big building where we were reunited with the rest of our family. It seemed they had tasked him with coming to get me, and we were both apprehensive but it also seemed like the end of the world was a good enough reason for them to let past shit go and treat us well for once.

We all joined up and went into the labs in the building, greeting Isaacs friend who took us to be cloned. It was a very weird experience, and gave us time to chat, though we weren't all very chatty. Despite all this effort my folks and stuff were still quite panicked. I even brought Juju (my cat) along. The guy explained that we would have a strange shared consciousness with the clones until one of them ceased existing, a science they had been working on and hiding for years.

Isaac was a little worried about the risks so he went first, turns out he'd been missing me for years but never said anything for fear of shame, but deep down he was still that protective sweet big brother figure. He came out and said it went smoothly, and I gotta say, seeing his clone was eerie. 

Then it was my turn, I went in and got cloned. Very spooky experience, but something went wrong. It wasn't major but as soon as it was done an annoyed looking Isaac ran to my side, and on the other side of the walls, the cloned Isaac did exactly the same to my clone.

It wasn't serious, just some of the cloning process had triggered some parts of my brain that shouldn't be in order to copy them over, they said it should wear off but basically I was “regressed” and had a headache. 

So our clones headed onto these ships, getting as comfortable as possible, mine even got candy. I'm a little jealous, it looked delicious. Like a strawberry pencil but mango and pineapple. The scientists told us it would be better and less stressful for us and our new bodies if we focused on the clones consciousness instead of the real us, left on earth. I was apparently the only one struggling with this, because I was regressed, in and out of this childlike state. Isaac seemed to understand and didn't even mind because he said he really missed little me and sometimes wanted to go back in time and treat her better and now he had the chance.

We got into the seats, all watching these safety videos and getting buckled in, Isaac running his hand through my hair and feeding me candy, and the ships launched. It was a scary feeling, and finally being off the planet and in orbit, scariest thing I'd ever done, felt so weird, but I was doing my best to stay calm.

Unfortunately my consciousness wandered back to the real me, I guess out of fear and concern, and honestly I'm glad it did. There I was, firefighter me, scars and all, with my family who looked unconscious, and I woke up Isaac because I was scared. He said it was okay as long as the clones were on the ship, they couldn't do much more, but we could not stay in this consciousness whilst the planet was destroyed or we'd be screwed. We'd have to switch back. 

However, I had different plans, being regressed and scared. I wanted out, I wanted to run as far as possible as if it would save me. None of us knew the impact the destruction would have on the earth yet, we didn't know if survival was possible. Nevertheless Isaac and I woke the family now that all the clones were supposedly safe somewhere up there in space for the time being, and convinced them that we should try to run anyways, just in case. We don't know if the black hole would even work, we don't know if the planet will even really be destroyed, or if it would just be surface level like the big bang or a war.

We all piled outside towards Dad's Jaguar, even though for some reason that thing was big enough to fit a whole family in, a bit like the Galaxy my mom used to have. We decided we had to get out of there even if we didn't know where we were going yet. This was partly due to people getting roudier and roudier outside, rioting around the science building. We began reversing out of the lot and trying to get through all these people, Isaac and I were in the boot seats. First we headed off to his friend’s house because we were nearby and frazzled and didn't know what else to do and it was Dad's only idea. 

His friend Anthony was inside with his wife, they were sending off food packages to the homeless and people panicking outside, he was like a weird apocalypse santa. Seemed calm until Dad really started talking to him, then in that weird manly way they both kinda let go how angry and terrified they were. Dad didn't mention the cloning thing, he didn't want to rub it in, or give hope where there is none. 

Whilst waiting at the back of the car, playing with Juju and showing her to Anthony’s daughter Jess who was about the same age as Isaac, so a few years older than me, I remembered my own friends from college, Liam and John were among them. Surprisingly in the midst of the chaos, Liam actually replied to a message I sent him. It was vague and mysterious and I had to dig a little bit but he revealed that he had a secret, it was a bunker, and stood more chance of hope or survival than simply waiting on the surface for your doom, so he was going to try it. He gave me the directions and coordinates, saying not to let anyone else get their hands on it, and that I could bring my family. I didn't tell him about the cloning either, not yet.

Anyways I ran to my dad and pulled him aside, telling him about it as best I could whilst in and out of regression, which was a little humiliating actually but Isaac helped translate. Anthony kinda caught wind of it and begged we take his daughter with us, and Dad said yes, and we all piled back into the car. Just then, as we were reversing away from Anthony’s house these gas thingys went off like a hundred feet in front of us, over by the science buildings. Then one a little closer, and one a lot closer. They were canisters that exploded in yellow gas, it looked like chalk honestly, designed to impede vision which was bad enough, but you could also hear people coughing and crying and screaming (probably mustard gas?). We tried to do up the windows as fast as possible and it was a close call when I pulled the boot door shut and we drove away. It got all over the car too, and made it hard to see, so dad drove through this ford of water, clearing it off as much as possible before we began the drive out into the country, it was out towards Dorset.

A few times I flashed in and out between my consciousness and the clone up there on the ship, it was scary, both of them could die, it could all be for nothing. The clone me on that ship was starting to get restless because of all the panic, and the clone Isaac kinda took care of her even though he wasn't holding the consciousness currently. Anyways back to reality, we're driving for a long time, there are a few mental breakdowns from various people, my mother, me, yadda yadda, kinda expected in an apocalypse situation, and eventually we reached this little town that looked like it hadn't been updated since World War 1. We tried to remain calm and not draw any attention to ourselves, but me being in and out of regression was making it rather difficult and Isaac was having to distract me as we made our way up this hill out of town into the rural parts. We passed some people I recognised from school and it was way too hard to describe why the hell I was acting so weird, but they didn't care much, as far as they were concerned everyone was gonna die, people were gonna act weird, but I kinda told them in passing that I had a clone up on a spaceship who was gonna live. Thankfully due to the regression and Isaac pulling me away by hand, they didn't believe a word of it.  

Eventually we reached our destination, limited supplies and belongings in bags on our backs, and were welcomed by Liam and John at the entrance to this weird bunker. The only way I can describe it is if the Torchwood bunker and Supernatural bunker and Alterra from Subnautica had a baby. It was somehow old-timey and modern at the same time, like a time capsule, like the safe house in Primeval. It was expansive and large but you couldn't tell from all the small winding hallways and rooms. 

We all got settled and could barely believe the place was real, Dad and Liam were discussing the strength and capacity of it all, if it were enough, even though no one really knew the extent of the damage Earth would take. I was in this kinda old main room, lots of seats, dusty, a record player and piano in the corner, stairs up to higher levels (we were pretty far underground). I started becoming friendly with John and we got to know each other and he was so sweet and kind. They did ask who Anthony's daughter Jess was and how she was related to us, so we all sorta panicked and blurted out that she was Isaac's girlfriend, which was fitting because they were getting on like a house on fire.

Later on I was wandering the halls looking around and I found John, Liam and Isaac all talking in a small corridor full of important looking pipes and gears and controls in one of the lower levels. I stayed hidden around the corner and listened, just like a little kid, they were discussing our clones and consciousness, how it was a strange and dangerous plan. How neither party were assured to be safe. Isaac wanted to know which version of him he should go with to prevent his consciousness from being ripped apart when either his clone or his real body kicked it. They were brainstorming and stressed and obviously I heard it all and got quite scared. I ran away down the hallway again crying, and they knew it was me because I dropped this stuffed animal that I'd found in the parlor room (looked like Floppy from Bluey) and Isaac and John ran after me, trying to calm me down because panicking wasn't going to help either. Now it was just a countdown between both realities to see who stood a better chance. It was terrifying. I don't know how long we were in that bunker, could have been hours, could have been days, but Isaac kept shifting between consciousness' to check things up there were still all good. I don't remember much else, just endless terrified waiting, the regression slowly wearing off, and something about a wedding in the bunker, Isaac and Jess, it was bittersweet.

[goblin-mask]

Biology Is Hot (2012 Donnie x Fem Reader)

Anon Requested: 

 hey! I was wondering if you could do a 2012 Donatello x  reader who love biology? (She/her but if you don’t wanna do that it’s ok!)

A/N: For some reason the gifs aren’t loading. Apologies

“This creature has an extra chromosome...” You say as you look through the microscope.

Donatello looks up at you from across his lab. You both have been on the project for forever. The Foot Clan have been testing out this new mutagen on other people. It started off with lab rats, guinea pigs, dogs, and cats. Donatello just happened to pass by and snagged one. Poor little guinea pig has glowing red eyes and extra arms on it’s back that oozed some sort of substance. You both made sure to sedate it before drawing it’s blood.

“Does it?” He asks walking over to you and standing behind you.

You tense up and feel yourself blush.

“Uh yeah... In my Biology Honors class we are learning about genetic mutations as well as what Chromosomes correspond with it.” You say turning to face him

Donatello is looking at you in a way you haven’t seen before. His mouth was hanging open slightly. You can see the cute little gap in his teeth and his pupils seem to be dilated.

“A-Anyway! The little guy as a disease that affected the change in his DNA. I think that is why he is oozing. His body is trying to reject it... The thing must be suffering...” You say frowning before turning around to write in your notes.

“Can I see?” Donnie asks and you nod.

You go to move out of the way but you find yourself caged between his arms as he leans over your shoulder to look the the microscope. You couldn’t tell if it was your heart pumping or if it was the bass from Raphaels music in your ears. Your face must be beet red.

“Great job Y/N! That’s my girl!” He exclaims as he pulls away from you and messes up your hair.

Your face couldn’t possibly burn any redder. “Y-You’re welcome Donnie!”

He pulls away and smiles a big smile.

                                                     ***

“How is your Biology class going? You got boosted to honors huh?”

Donatello didn’t know how to feel about you. You were breathtakingly beautiful. You had a love for science, you were never bored or tired of his ramblings, and holy shell your mind seemed to be on par with his. He can hear you talk about your class now but all he can focus on was your lips and how you moved when you talk. He would kiss you, but who would want to be kissed by a turtle? 

“Yeah! That’s great!” Donatello says trying to add to the conversation.

He finds it very hot that you like Biology and try to take the time to try and understand other types of sciences. He has been sending you cute little science puns but you haven’t been getting the hints, but he will keep trying. He likes you so he will spend the rest of his time with you trying to get you to realize his feels, even if he doesn’t outright say it.

“Well I have to go Donnie! See you tomorrow?” You ask and he nods trying to hide his face of disappointment.

He waits for your hug that you normally give him. You pointed out that he is a tucker, which means he tucks his head into your neck when he hugs back and he does just that.

“Hey uh... Maybe we can...” Donnie draws out jeez this is embarrassing.

“Yes?” You ask. You have this glint in your eyes, but it seems to diminish after he says this.

“How about we hang out and... I help you with you Algebra homework! You have been struggling right?” 

Oh god. He is rambling and your face looks so dejected for a moment until you smile again.

“Sure! We can get pizza as well! Call it a date?” You ask hopefully.

Donnie’s face would be a crimson red out of both excitement and embarrassment. He wanted to be the one to ask you out, but this could work!

“Y-Yeah it’s a date!” He exclaims

You giggle before pressing a kiss to his cheek and dashing out of there.

Raphael just happens to be passing by so he pokes his head in.

“What’s up with her?” He asks

“I my friend have got a date! Now leave! I need to make the lab perfect!” He says before shoving Raph out of the room and locking it.

“I have to make this right...”

[desultory-novice]

As a big fan of Kirby lore and how much I crave it, I must ask. Do you think the Ancients could be one race? Or do you think their are multiple races that came together and formed a tribe called the Ancients? Note: The latter might sound confusing so I'll give an example. Imagine the Zora, Gerudo, Sheikah, and Hylians from Legend of Zelda. While they're separate races, some from each race could come together and form a team.

Oooh!

As a matter of fact, I do lean toward the Ancients being multiple species. One thing I think could lend some credence to this is Halcandra itself! It's seemingly very important to the ancients, being a resting place for Landia, the Master Crown, and the Lor Starcutter. And at least by novel canon, the Lor Starcutter is something of a god. 

But we seem to understand that the Ancients didn't start from Halcandra, but from the Forgotten Land.

Or it went Earth = Shiver Star > Forgotten Land (Earth 2)

If Magolor was born in Halcandra (he could have been lying about that, although there's the "Steel Home Town" BGM too that is written with his distinctive accent in JP) well...he doesn't exactly LOOK human, does he?

(I know a lot of people believe Magolor is a kind of cat on account of the "ears" and that one Cat Day twitter art, but he still doesn't look like an Earth cat, given he's nothing like Clawroline.)

-

*On that note, I was re-reviewing the various Magolor concept art and saw they describe his pointies as "horns" in at least two of the pictures!

Top one says: “His horns grow.” Bottom one says: “modeled on/picture horns.” (Also, this is a really fun Magolor design. Love the earring.) The other picture in question is the upside-down Magolor design, which is already in English on the wiki.

-

Ahem! We don't know if Magolor looks like Hyness under the hood (blue, funny nose) although Magolor's updated DX model suggests he is in fact brown under there; it's not just shading. But even then, we now have humans (Adeleine being proof that humans in the Kirby-verse generally have Earth human proportions) and uh, two kinds of floating horned creatures that could all claim "the Ancients" as their ancestors.

And before we forget, the Ancients also had Astrals! Or Puffballs! Or Voidborn or ... Blorbos! (Pretty sure Galacta Knight would "Star Dream" me for calling them a Blorbo.)

It would be a little weird (not to mention massively hypocritical) for humanity to nab a bunch of their "dreamlike" technology from an alien they captured, did evil science on, then abandoned in a lab only to THEN go out into the greater universe and start forming friendly alliances with other alien species! Yay?!

But its either that or they began genetically-engineering themselves all to heck, and that's why you have so much variety in species.

...And the genetic-experimentation possibility is also valid (especially thanks to Shiver Star) but I do believe that by the time the "Ancients" had made Halcandra into their main planet, they were more of a group of different species, all united together under...well, under Elfilis's power. Another reason I believe they had brought in other species by this point is because of the existence of MAGIC in the Kirby universe.

The Human!Ancients may have gained dream-like power from Elfilis, but that power is going to be based in technology/bioengineering. The non-human Ancient-aligned characters we know of both use MAGIC like out of a fantasy book. (I'm working on a big post on MAGIC in the Kirby universe, btw, because it is completely fascinating.) So unless that too is engineered (and it's doubtful, once you take into account all the different types of MAGIC) I think the Ancients must have added a species that always possessed magical powers into their group. In fact...!

...Well, I'll save some of that for later!

[captain039]

A lioness

Logan x reader (wolverine)

Warnings: Gore, sweating, placed in Logan, character deaths, intimacy, angst, age gap, anxiety, anxiety attacks, mentions of needles

18+

You aren't related to Wolverine.

Your mutant thing:

The Lioness

Genetically made in a lab. A test subject. You were originally human and made mutant. They made your bones into metal like Wolverine and Laura.

You have enhanced everything really xD, cat like. Your finger nails grow into metal claws along with your toe nails, your quick and self healing.

You stared at the TV, you hadn't seen one in a very long time. You flicked through the channels admiring the moving picture. Your leg bounced though and your heart was too quick. You kept looking out the window every minute hoping no strange men would show up again. Your mind always flashed back when you looked outside. Flashed back to the moment you were stolen from your home.

“Y/n!” you heard a hushed cry. You jolted away seeing your mother crawling in. You shot up and went to her, her stomach area full of blood.

“Mum!” you said but she covered your mouth.

“Run” she whispered as her eyes closed. Lights blared in through the windows and the doors. Men shouted and footsteps echoed up the stairs as something hit you. Your body swayed your world blurry as the men continued shouting and rummaging.

You awoke with agonising pain throughout your body. You cursed and tensed trying to move. You heard panicked shouts around you as your world blurred again and went dark.

The second time you awoke was too soft beeping and less agonising pain. You felt a numb throb all over but that was it. Your eyes wouldn't focus and you kept rolling your head side to side.

“She’s awake sir” you heard a woman speak.

“Good” a man this time answered. Your eyes finally focused, it looked like a hospital room only- more creepy. You looked around saw needles in your arms as your heard sped up.

“What’s going on?” Your anxiety was kicking in, you hated doctors, hated needles.

“What’s happening?!” You shouted pain glaring through your knuckles.

“Sedate her now!” You heard as you began to thrash and cry. It was too late though the woman had injected something into your drip bag, the clear liquid going to a more creamy colour. You stopped thrashing, your words were slurred as you fell asleep once more.

You snapped out of your day dream as a car pulled up, you frowned seeing a man step out confused. He was in a large limo car, the hell is he doing here? You watched a woman come out and froze. The man didn’t want any part of her apparently as they fought, you saw a young girl also. You went outside your senses on edge.

“Sorry ma’am” the man spoke to you making you flinch.

“Y/n Y/l/n” you turned to the woman who spoke your name.

“You’re alive” she whispered.

“Do I- do I know you?” You asked as glass shattered.

“Hey! I told you to put that ball away!” The receptionist woman came out. The other woman gushed at her begged her to leave the girl alone before she sighed and went inside.

“My name is Gabriella” she said to you.

“I don’t know you” you said.

“I know you were under medication while I was with you” you froze, she was a nurse? Maybe a doctor?

“The hell you do to me?!” You snarled rushing forward.

“Hey!” The man stopped you a strong hand on your upper chest. You hissed at him and he raised an eyebrow.

“I didn’t do anything! I was just a nurse, I was told to write notes, I worked at two facilities” she said making you frown. You were breathing heavily that uncontrolled rage boiling. You backed away from the mans hand glancing to him.

“What were they doing to me in there?” You asked.

“I know you have many questions, please come with us to North Dakota, Eden” she said making you frown.

“What’s Eden?” You asked.

“A safe place for your kind” she said and you flinched.

“My kind? I was a normal human before this fucking thing!” You snarled again.

“Calm down!” You glared at the man who shouted at you.

“All right let’s all calm the fuck down” he said as you paced.

“We need to leave now” the Spanish woman begged.

“Now please, 20 grand now and 30 when we get there” she said directed towards the man.

“Please Logan!” She begged.

“I’ll be back” he grumbled snatching her phone and putting something in it, a phone number probably.

“Thank you” she whispered as you stood there.

“Y/n” she called and you looked to her.

“Please come sit” she said beckoning you over to her room.

You sat with her trying to remember her face out of your brief moments of consciousness.

“I helped you get out, I dosed your medicine made you go into a frenzy in a sense and you escaped” she said making you sigh.

“What- what am I?” You asked.

“A mutant” she said.

“No I’m not mutants are born not made- this is a fuck up” you huffed leg bouncing again.

“Mutants are gone, almost all of them Laura here and other children were genetically made” she said softly pointing to the sleeping child.

“What’s she then?” You asked.

“She has Logan’s DNA” She said.

“The man with the big car?” You asked and she nodded.

“He’s a mutant?” You asked again and she nodded again.

“The wolverine” she said and you froze.

“The-“ you stuttered and she nodded.

“Your DNA is like his but they changed it somehow” you blinked at her words.

“Laura is his daughter” she said and you looked to the child.

“What does that make me?” You gulped.

“No, no your aren’t related, different genes different DNA” you let out a small sigh though it didn’t make you feel better.

“But I have- I have claws” you muttered.

“But you also have heightened senses, much more than Logan and Laura” she said.

“I do yeah” you mumbled running a hand down your face. You twitched slightly hearing a car down the road, a familiar type of engine.

“They’re here” you said as her eyes went wide. She grabbed her phone typing away as she woke Laura also.

You went outside waited for the two cars to come. Two big black trucks armoured, with armed men in side.

“I’ll be damned” you heard someone muttered.

“You’re alive!” The same man said as he walked up front. You stared at him, you didn’t know who he was.

“Our little mistake” he said and you glared.

“Y/n? Isn’t it? Yeah I was there when they were making you” he chuckled as your heart pounded and rage boiled.

“The lioness they called you!” He chuckled and you frowned.

“Though I really-“ you stopped his talking quick as you sliced through most of his men. Till they injected you with something.

You heard commotion and your world blurred again.

You awoke groggily, you groaned and shifted expecting to be tied up.

“Logan” you heard someone say and you jolted.

“Easy” you flinched as you sat up. You were in a moving car on some highway by the looks. The Wolverine driving beside you and old man in the back and the young girl Laura.

“What?” You began to shake and cursed.

“Logan pull over” you heard commotion but you were gone. You shook and cried as you curled into the door. Your mind flashed through everything and you couldn’t focus. The car had stopped you felt it, you felt being pulled out the car and onto the ground.

“Hey!” You flinched at Logan’s voice and turned away from him. You could make out speech between him and the old man but couldn’t focus on the words. You were whimpering, tears rolling down your face. When they injected you with this mistake it enhanced everything, your anxiety attacks included.

You felt arms go around you and you were pulled to a warmish body. You stopped shaking so violently and gripped the persons arm. You felt your heart slow down eventually, your body trembling every couple of seconds. You were exhausted as you went like jelly.

“They enhanced everything in her human body, her need to eat so much, drink, her emotions, her mental state also” the old man said.

“Get out my head” you whispered feeling him in your head.

“I’m just trying to calm you down” he said weakly. You gripped the arm the was around you and leant against their chest.

“I’m sorry” you said quietly and heard a soft grunt in response.

“We need to keep moving” Logan said and you nodded. He helped you back in the car and you leant against the door with your full weight, not bothered by the rattling and bumpiness. You were in and out of sleep, to exhausted from the attack you just had.

“We need a place to rest, Logan” Charles spoke.

“Damn it Charles” Logan said and you looked to him. He was gripping the steering wheel tightly, his knuckles white.

“We need food and a good nights rest no matter how risky, we won’t get far like this” the old man fought. Logan smacked the wheel and gave in with a sigh.

You pulled into the closest motel, Logan went to grab takeaway and you went with him. You didn’t talk during your trip, you ordered a lot of food, gave Logan all your money, took your food and stumbled back to the car without a word. You began to eat stomach so empty.

“You gonna eat all that?” He raised an eyebrow at your three burgers, two chips, two hash browns and coke.

“Yes” you said with your mouth full. He sighed and rolled his eyes as he drove back to the motel.

You all ate in silence before Logan helped Charles into bed.

Laura came up to you, held your hand in inspected it. You were confused by the action and stared at her.

“She wants to see your claws” Charles said a small smile on his face.

“Oh- no you don’t see them” you faked a chuckled as she showed hers with a grunt.

“Oh” you said staring at the two knives coming out of her knuckles.

“Mine aren’t like that” you gulped.

“Also very painful-“ she gave you begging eyes and you sighed.

“Ok” you grumbled. You held your hand up and winced as your nails fell off and metal claws came through.

“That’s disgusting” Logan said looking to your nails on the ground.

“I know” you muttered as the girl looked at them in awe.

“I can do it with my toes too” you said and she perked up.

“Not today” you said chuckling softly and she huffed.

“Watch this” you said forcing your eyes to go into night mode. It made them dark and reflective before going back to normal.

“Cat senses” you shrugged putting your claws back. Your nails grew back, you didn’t watch trying to keep those three burgers, two cups of chips and two hash browns down.

“You’ve got three that come out?” You asked Logan and he grunted nodding. He was old looking, worn down, he sounded like a raspy wolf, grunting and growing all the time. Though probably a Wolverine seeing as his name is Wolverine also.

“Not as disgusting as my nails though” you tried to joke but sighed. Charles chuckled softly half asleep though.

“Get some rest we leave in the morning” Logan said sternly and you sighed.

You took Laura to the other double bed and tucked her in. You laid down, your back to them and stared at the wall. You had found others, but it wasn’t like you were expecting.

Next Chapter

[dontcallmecarrie]

So I read the No Hero-canon crossover and I'm confused on who the Maximoff Twins' father was? Was it Canon!Victor? Or a non-mutation Magneto? And how are the Infinity Stomes their family heirlooms?

Whenever possible, I tend to stick to [what little I know of] the comics, friend. Well... okay, not exactly, most of what I know of X-Men and the Fantastic Four is from the early 2000s movies so I'm cribbing a lot from there too, for some things.

In this case, yes, Erik Lensherr is the father of Wanda and Pietro Maximoff.

In the main No Hero [Downward Descending] universe, he's one of Victor's mentors during the Latverian civil war, and is part of the reason he is Like That in terms of a) badassery, b) zero tolerance, 'shoot first, ask questions never' policy towards anything that smacks of Nazi ideology, and c) complete and utter inability to tell he's hopelessly in love with his close friend who he hasn't seen in years.

In NHDD, Erik ends up with Charles Xavier— and is also part of why Victor can only suspect him as the potential father of these little twin hellions. Kinda hard to do something like a genetic test for it, in a completely different dimension, after all. Not to mention that Victor distinctly remembers his mentor constantly writing to his pen pal to someplace in England— and, later, New York, and in all that time he's never once so much as glanced at anyone else with a fraction of the interest than he did those letters.

...so you can imagine Victor's bewilderment when he wakes up in a completely different dimension, and among HYDRA's potential lab rats are twin hellions who take one look at him and refuse to leave him alone. Which, in retrospect, would have been enough of a clue, but one has his mentor's eyes and laugh, and the other his smile and death glare.

It's not a paternity test, by any means. But it's enough for Victor to make an educated guess, and more than enough to royally piss him off— because while Wanda and Pietro may not know their father, having been raised by their maternal family and sharing their name, Victor is well aware that Erik's a Holocaust survivor. So the idea of HYDRA experimenting on his kids is more than enough to get Victor's blood boiling, even if he hadn't already been this close to losing it.

...and is also a bit of a commentary of mine re: the MCU's writing, because there's a laundry list of issues I had with it before ragequitting, but this is a big one for me. Ahem.

I've been leery about including 'mutations are known' in NHDD, mostly because if I go that route, I'd end up having to factor in an wide-scale alternate history no matter what I do, and my hands are full just trying to get the Fantastic Four movies and the MCU to cooperate.

Also, for Infinity Stones: no, one isn't an heirloom. It ends up *stuck* in an heirloom, completely by accident, but it's also one of the last things the twins have left of their mother, so they're reluctant to do anything that might possibly break it.

Please note that by this point in their timeline, they've pestered Loki into teaching them magic. Grudgingly. Because they give him migraines, because gdi, Pietro, magic doesn't work like that, like that, what the hell did you do? And Wanda's magic isn't much better, but at least it makes sense.

So when they show up, and ask if the "weird glowy thing" stuck in mom's favorite necklace/what-have-you is safe to wear, Loki's long since used to their bullshit and doesn't even question where tf they found an Infinity Stone. Just tells them that if it hasn't killed them yet, it probably won't, and so Wanda and/or Pietro goes "okay, cool, I'm wearing it then" and then proceeds to never take it off.

[look, before Infinity War, the MCU had long since established that humanity had a terrifyingly good track record with items of extreme cosmic power that they had no business in handling, okay? look, if a cat can apparently eat one, the twins can wear one gdi]

...and that is ALSO the story of how they unintentionally save their timeline/universe/whatever, because while Wanda and Pietro aren't heroes in this AU [more chaotic neutral than anything else, tbh, just like the rest of their friend group], they are NOT happy with the purple jackass who keeps trying to take one of the last things things they have left of their family.

Which results in them probably complaining to Loki, who tells his freshly-busted-out-of-Helheim good friend Hela that hey, looks like that stalkery creep's now bothering those two little brats that have somehow wormed their way into both of their hearts, and next thing anyone knows, the world is now sans one Mad Titan.