#I know the point is to hit these people where it hurts and where it hurts is 'lmao women don't want you'
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of course
in which the helicopter crashed with both our guys inside. inspired by this awesome post by @mooshkat
(tw: vomiting, heart issues, near death angst, biphobia mention)
~
Once the wave of agony subsides, and Tommy is reasonably sure he's done vomiting into the dirt, he blinks over at Evan appraisingly. "Is your arm broken or did your shoulder go out again?"
Evan grimaces and finishes tying off Tommy's splint. "Shoulder. And my hip's not feeling great. Cracked rib, maybe two. But of course you had to outdo me."
"Didn't do it on purpose." Tommy glares at the spot where his tibia poked through the skin, like he can intimidate the pain away. "Anyway you've got me on quantity."
"There's nothing else?"
"My head hurts," Tommy admits, "but there's not much we can do for that right now."
Evan leans in to compare his pupils. Tommy is very proud of himself for not flinching. "Dispatch had our location?" Evan asks, and instead of reminding him that he was there when they confirmed it, Tommy nods.
He knows he can't go to sleep, even if the leg would allow him. He finds a stick and starts tic tac toe. Evan chuckles and joins in.
He wins the next two games. Tommy blames his probable concussion.
Evan holds his bad arm tight around his midsection, but his eyes seem stormy for a different reason. "These people who hurt you in the past, what- what are their names?"
"Huh?" Tommy gives up on the game, scratching it out of the dirt. "You want a full list of legal names or just what I called them?"
"Was it Evan, for any of them?"
God, he's so transparent. Tommy laughs.
"Do you- do you judge everyone by who came before? Is that just what you do in a-all situations? One barista spilled coffee on you in 2011 and you pay for Starbucks with one of those grabby reacher things ever since?"
"Fuck's sake." Tommy doesn't even like Starbucks, but he doesn't say that.
Evan sort of shrugs before he remembers his shoulder with a wince. "It's not generally considered a sign of maturity. Ironic, I guess."
"Yeah, call me old. See where it gets you."
Evan brightens. "You're talking to me. I like my results so far."
There's something indefatigable about this man. Tommy can't help but surrender in the face of it, just a little. "How did you know I'd have to pinch hit for this fly along?"
"I didn't. I just hoped." His grin is just the slightest bit abashed. "Worst case scenario, get out of the engine for a day and I pump one of your coworkers for info."
"They have very little to pump," Tommy says. Evan and the codependent 118 are the aberration, and they're well aware of that. Tommy has great coworkers. They do their jobs and leave, with the exception of drinks once or twice a month. None of them gave him shit after the breakup. Few of them noticed. This is how most teams operate. Evan, however, looks surprised and a little sad. "What were you hoping to hear?"
"I don't know." Evan looks away, suddenly self conscious. "That you messed yourself up at least half as much as you did me."
Tommy rubs at his face. "I didn't mean to mess you up, Buck. Truly. We- It just ran its course. It doesn't reflect badly on you, or me. This just happens."
He looks upset at first, then calculating. "What if I hooked up with those Not-Evans?"
Tommy looks behind him, searching for something that makes sense. "What if you moved to the moon? I have no idea what you're getting at right now."
"Would I be experienced enough for you if I let them have a go? They were terrible for you, so it stands to reason they'll be terrible for me, too." He lifts a finger, his eyes lighting up in a way that turns Tommy's stomach. "Oh, I guess one or two of those might be women. They don't count. Some might be bi and married to women. Do they count as half? If I bag a threesome, is that like seventy-five percent? Do you give points for polyamory?"
Tommy feels about eighty years old, and not a fit eighty. "When did I say even one of those things?"
"The implications were pretty clear, Tommy. 'You're just young and excited. You don't know what you're feeling or how to interpret anything going on in front of you.'"
Tommy doesn't know what to say to that. It's not remotely what he meant, but he's never been good at communicating through panic.
"Did you love me?" Evan asks quietly. Tommy can't look him in the face. "It felt like you- like you did, but when you let me go like that, like chopping off the top bit of a carrot, it made me re- reevaluate everything I thought I knew about us."
The note of devastation in his voice almost tips him over, but ultimately what does it is the implication that Tommy made Evan lose faith in himself. He can't abide being responsible for that. "Of course I love you, Evan. How could I not?"
The tightness in his chest, that felt so much like raw emotion, intensifies, growing sharper. It's hard to breathe now, like sucking a milkshake through a coffee stirrer, and he realizes, something is very wrong. About as wrong as it could possibly be.
"Oh," he says. An attempt to inflate his lungs all the way makes his vision go sparkly at the edges.
"Tommy?"
Tommy drags his eyes up to meet Evan's. "S- Sorry, I-" I wouldn't have said any of those things if I knew. "Sorry. Evan." You deserve better than a fucking deathbed love confession.
A rough hand grasps his neck, slowing his descent to the ground. "No, hey. Hey hey hey. Tommy, we'll figure this out." Evan sniffles and tries to smile. His tears are falling everywhere. "You're okay. You're fine. Just keep- keep breathing."
The coffee stirrer is about a millimeter wide. Tommy can feel the muscles in his neck straining like he's deadlifting his own weight. Evan rips Tommy's shirt open and he swears floridly, miserably. They both know what this is; they've seen it in a hundred MVAs. Cardiac tamponade. When his heart gives out from the strain of all the blood surrounding it, chest compressions can be worse than useless. They could punch his ticket that much faster.
"Tommy," Evan says, pulling Tommy into his lap. The complaints from his splinted leg are distant, belonging to someone else entirely. Evan's voice is a ragged mess trying to piece itself together. His shoulder and ribs are probably killing him. "Don't run out again. You need to stay. Breathe."
Half a millimeter.
One quarter.
Tommy can't remember what comes after millimeter.
"That's it. I know it's hard, but keep trying. That's all I ask. Just try, okay? Look at me."
Micrometer? Is that it?
Evan's face is shadowed by the sun cresting over his shoulder. Tommy closes his eyes against the glare and is rewarded with a shake.
"Keep your eyes open. Stay with me. Just a little- little bit longer, please."
Fingers are running through his hair, lips are pressing against his forehead, and he thinks he can hear... sirens.
#bucktommy#911 abc#my writing#things by beanarie#there's a second part but it veered off to the left#and i'm not sure how to get back on course#so self contained for now!
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A snip i need to get out of my head before bed. (Warnings pregnant reader, not proofed read, I'm so fucking tired)
Poly 141 x pregnant reader.
When you told the boys that you were pregnant, many many emotions but not one was negative towards you.
Johnny was excited, immediately thinking of names and happy that they almost have enough people for a football team (john thinks rugby would be a better sport but who is asking).
Simon who is immediately nervous due to his own family issues, he knows therapy can help with this but he'll be damn if he is ever like his father.
Kyle who is immediately thinking why it is important to know who the father is, even if he isn't the bio dad he is still gonna buy the proper hair products just in case.
John who is already crying, he is a big papa bear now and he couldn't be more happy.
Over the course of your pregnancy, the boys are literally waiting hand and foot for you.
Simon refuses to let you do anything on your own. You want to help with the nursery? No sit down and rest. You need to bend down and grab something you dropped? Nah call him even if he is at work.
John is up your ass about you doing exercises and taking your prenatal vitamins. He wakes you up at eight in the morning to do a light work out for your core muscle then makes you wind down for bed by 9 pm.
Johnny is always ready to make a snack run, even if John is against it, hell he even got back up emergency snacks in the car. Even though you all share an Alaskan king bed, reach over and shove him awake so he can do a quick errand.
Kyle is always with you when you are shopping, 100% he will agree with you on any clothing for the baby, you want the cutest expensive baby towel that is good for eczema? No problem. You think we should do cloth diapers? You're absolutely right, save nature.
When you have to get a body pillow/pregnancy pillow to support your stomach the boys are upset that they can't cuddle you without the pillow being in the way (or the little shit kicks them and it hurts you).
The boys love, LOVE it when you wear tight shirts, I mean look at that adorable bump and Jesus christ your breast have gotten so big.
Speaking of breast, Johnny is always looking at you like a kicked dog when you don't let him "help" you pump.
Please tell them when something hurts. Because these boys take everything too serious. When you started having braksion hicks, they were so paranoid. It got to a point where when you were in labor you didn't tell them untill they were 5 minutes apart. Which freaked them out, rushing you to the hospital.
The boys are 100% supportive of your birth plan, they really are.
But as soon as the contractions hit and they see your pained expression, they are immediately second guessing.
John is bluntly telling you to take the epidural.
Simon is rubbing your back telling you that there is no reward for having a natural birth.
But, you progress, practicing your breathing exercises, you've been training for this moment. You decided to bounce and roll on the yoga ball that was offered in the room, it help with the pressure.
Johnny is the one who has been trying to sneak you food, happy wife (or partner) happy life. But Kyle is nagging him how you cannot have food when you are close to labor (you're only 2 cm and it's been four hours).
Simon is encouraging you to sleep and rest, when you obviously can't Johnny is helping you recheck the diaper bag for the tenth time that night.
Kyle who is walking with you up and down the hall, purposely walking down the hall with the window where you can see the other newborns.
John who is now having panic attack, 'oh god I'm going to be a father'.
When it's finally time to start pushing, one of the nurses tries pushing out the others, thinking that John is the father. It wasn't untill your midwife told them to leave them be and that they can stay.
Simon and John who are holding your hands as you pushed, Johnny is playing with your hair to help distract you from the pain and Kyle is wiping your forehead.
When everyone hears the sharp cry that echoes in the room, the gasp is heard, when the newborn is placed on your chest, they can't help but shed a tear.
Simon and Johnny are telling you that you did an amazing job. Kyle is kissing your head, comforting your cries, John is watching the nurses every move with the newborn.
They all couldn't be more happier.
#poly 141#task force 141#141 x reader#task force 141 imagine#task force x reader#poly task force 141#johnny mactavish x reader#soap x reader#simon riley x reader#john price x reader#kyle gaz x reader#pregnant reader#fluff#cod imagine#cod x reader
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Continuation | cw bonten universe, smut, sex work, murder, mdni
愛的最高境界是心疼
i. Earned It
Rindou is gentle with you today.
He always is, though 一 he never goes too far with you even in bed. He never treats you less than a human. He says one thing the night before, make you overwork yourself like the Daddy he is, and the next morning you'll find a few extra digits than what was originally promised sitting pretty in your bank account. Rindou is always gentle and generous with you.
His hands are sweet and sticky as they latch onto your skin, never letting go off your arms while he wipes you down gently in the bath. He rubs your cheek with wet thumbs and combs your hair with so much care in the world. He has never once tugged on them as harshly as the man did; never once hit you for pleasure in his own bed. Never. Maybe a few spanks on your ass here and there as a little foreplay or when you're being a tease, but he never hits you.
Rindou is so gentle with you.
"How's your throat?" He asks. Your bubble pops and you look at him dazed. "Still hurts?" He reaches a hand up to check on your skin. You move your neck away before his hands can reach you 一 almost as if you're scared.
He feels a foreign ache creep up his chest. His heart palpitates weirdly behind his bones. Your pupils dilate and you hide your neck with your arms. You shiver despite the warm water engulfing your body.
You are so frightened.
"I-" You swallow, feeling the sour ache going down your throat and you rub on your neck unconsciously, eyes squinting as you wait for the pain to pass. "I'm fine." Your voice is hoarse, very deep and broken, and he almost didn't hear you.
"The doctor's waiting out front. Want him to check?" He doesn't buy into your white lie at all. It's obvious it still hurts a lot and you won't let him touch you, or even see you. But you nod anyway and his shoulders relaxes a little.
ii. Million Dollar Man
"You're fucking insane!" Kokonoi is furious when Rindou waltzes into the room. "Blowing off a multi-million dollar deal for a whore, you're fucking nuts, Rindou!"
Mario Ricci is tied up against a wall, mouth stuffed with a bloody rag cloth as he struggles against the tight ropes wrapped around his figure.
"Yet you didn't proceed with it?" He questions in a sarcastic tone, an eyebrow raised and Kokonoi scoffs. "How could I? Gotta let these bastards know Bonten can't be fucked with. If I let him go more people will do it again."
Kakucho clicks his tongue from where he seats, next to Takeomi who is busy rolling up a blunt. "The deal is off the table now. No point arguing. We'll kill this guy and move on to the next. Keep everything quiet."
He stands, calves pushing against the heavy chair and it screeches loudly, sharply, against the concrete floor.
"But what about you?" His voice is low and dark when he addresses Rindou. He stares him dead in the eye.
"You're the reason why we have no deal. What are you going to do about it?"
The air is humid with Kakucho's anger 一 everyone in the room knows that much. For once, Sanzu is silent. He does not mess with his weapons loudly nor does he make a noise to pitch in his idea. Mochi's eyes are bright and sharp from where they burn holes into Rindou's back 一 he can feel the sting already. Ran is leaning against the wall behind Rindou while he plays with his set of keys in his pockets.
But Rindou remains stoic from his position. He is not afraid of Kakucho at all. He eyes the gun on the table next to him and snatches it off, soon realising that it belongs to Kakucho himself.
"I'll kill him, since that's what you want."
He aims for Mario's neck in one swift motion upon loading the gun. He sees the shimmer of desperation in his orbs, and he struggles to escape even further. His voice is muffled against the cloth shoved deep into his mouth but Rindou still hears him clearly.
"Please don't kill me."
"You're a fucking moron." And he pulls the trigger.
iii. Love song
Rindou returns to his quarters very late into the night. You're still up at this hour despite having taken heavy meds a couple of hours ago, when he'd monitor you swallow the pills with an immense amount of pain in your throat.
He finds you in his kitchen scavenging through the cabinets and fridge for a little something to eat, like a sneaky little alley cat. His penthouse is ice cold, the servants have taken their leave long ago, and he dismisses Tsuji, his trusted right-hand, with a wave and an assuring nod.
Your sleeping gown (one that he got for you as a gift) hugs your curves beautifully under the white fluffy cardigan you like to keep yourself warm with.
He watches in silence, hiding behind a wall as you simply be yourself, alone, away from the eyes of just anyone at all. You give up scurrying for seasoning after a while, settling for the bowl of plain white porridge a servant had prepared for you earlier.
Rindou watches as you lean against the countertop and play with your feet, crack your toes out of habit, hum a soft melody, as you slowly eat your food. It's endearing to see you like this. You're quiet, you're calm, but you're alone and you're by yourself 一 and a smile nobody has ever seen him do stretches across his lips when you put down the bowl to do a little twirl. Your humming gets louder and he recognises the tune shortly 一 one that you have always liked playing on the piano sitting in his massive living room.
You're a slut, but you're also just a girl.
iv. Glory Box
Rindou is still so gentle tonight when he wraps you in a blanket and smooths a warm hand down the back of your head. Your scalp is still sore, so he doesn't run his fingers through your locks this time.
You're almost asleep when he makes a noise. Low, but comforting. His chest vibrates against your cheek.
"Do you want to leave?"
You're confused by his question. "Where?" You move your head away from his chest and look at him 一 eyes clouded with sleep, and you blink twice to see him properly again under the moonlight. The windows are closed but he left the curtains open. He likes doing that a lot.
"Follow another man, pleasure him instead. Or just leave, find something else to do. Pick one. I'm giving you a chance to live."
His voice is stern and this is how he chooses to start the conversation 一 by threatening to kill you if you do not make a choice right now. He is sudden and he is stubborn.
It's not like you want to, anyway. You're not afraid of him.
"No." You frown. "I want to stay here, with you."
He is nonchalant at your response, and you look like you're about to cry.
He does not respond or react.
"Are you giving me away?" You push.
Rindou finally lets out a breath he did not know he was holding in when the first tear finally rolls off your rosy cheek. "Please don't give me away. I'll be good, even more better for you. Today was a mistake. I didn't know anyone would be there. I was waiting for you to come."
He hates that you're blaming yourself for what happened to you earlier.
He hates that you're downplaying your trauma just to amuse him and make himself feel better, a little trick you had learned to use during your time while working in this industry.
He isn't enlightened, not at all 一 because he knows exactly what you're doing.
He'd ended the life of the man who'd put you in pain, but it does not mean that killing Mario Ricci would take the pain away from you.
The foreign ache from earlier has not once subsided from his chest. It remains, sometimes growing even more suffocating and frustrating. Like when he had to sit through the meeting hearing Kokonoi and Kakucho 一 mostly Kokonoi because he was at the scene, and he is still very unsatisfied with Rindou's behaviour 一 going back and forth about getting rid of you like you're just some giveaway slut because they claim he is being distracted from the real job at hand, while his eyes are constantly flickering between the two who are shoving accusing fingers in his face and the leash that Mario Ricci had tied you in sitting at the corner of the room.
You have managed to engrave yourself in all parts of his heart 一 every little nook and cranny, you are there.
The girl he's tried sleeping with earlier to make himself feel a little less bad about having to kill you as an apology to Mikey, doesn't feel the same. He keeps telling himself that you are just like any other girl from the many who are working under Bonten's establishments.
Yet the second he pushes in, he pulls out, away, and he leaves. He throws her a stack of cash anyway and makes his way back immediately.
Because she isn't you. She does not look at him like you do. To her, he is just like any other rich man paying her for quick pleasure. To you, he is everything gentle and soft and warm.
You have managed to capture his attention the first few nights you've spent together 一 two years ago, as a temporary replacement for the girl he had originally booked for that night.
And then he keeps coming back. Again and again for two whole years, and now you're looking at him like he'd just broken your heart. His heart beats wildly in his chest and he ushers for you to come closer to him.
The way you would hold onto him while he drills into you frustrates him. He likes that you always let him have his way in bed, but manages to make him cater to your likes in the end every single time, and he has to remind himself that he is the one paying for your services, but he never cares, because it's you. He puts an extra zero when transferring funds into your account and he handpicks your gifts. Your eyes are always so glossy and full of hearts when they'd gaze into his purples. Your mewls are always so sweet and only for his ears when you'd try to moan quietly even when you're alone in his lonely, freezing penthouse.
And you won’t fucking leave him.
You're a gentle, quiet girl, and you make him want to be gentle and quiet with you too.
You straddle him and pin him to the bed. You want him to take you seriously this time. "I am yours." You try to make yourself sound stern but your lips end up pouty and red and hot tears are dripping on his face.
He tried to, really. He really wants to take you seriously. But the collar of your dress is low and your milky breasts are showing. Your lips are so kissable and he folds.
He presses one hand down your back and guides your upper body closer to him.
"You don't wanna leave?" He asks, rhetorically. His voice is muffled when he buries his face in your mounds to kiss and suck on your tits. He sneaks a hand up under your dress to fondle with them, to grope your soft flesh and listen to you whine like an angel on his lap.
"Don't wanna." You pout.
He reaches under your dress to rub a sweet thumb on your clit 一 messy figure-eights and sticky circles, pressing down just the way you like it 一 through the thin fabric of your panties and watch as you unfold so beautifully before his eyes.
His favourite, pretty girl.
His heart starts beating normally again. It hasn't beaten like this for a very long time 一 not since he was a teen.
Haitani Rindou wonders just when did he ever lose the ability to love.
"You'll be my liability now."
#writing#rindou x reader#rindou haitani x reader#haitani rindou x reader#rindou haitani#haitani rindou#tokyo revengers x reader#tokyo revengers#tokrev x reader#tokrev#tr x reader#tr#bonten x reader#bonten#tokyo revengers smut
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What If...
Pyrrha was also under the sway of Salem Cinder and Pyrrha love each other (Pompeii)
Scene : Beach of the EverAfter
==> @draggokid She wakes up to see the people she knows that should be dead but are alive.
==> @watcher-servant Lost in a whole new world, the Betrayer Spartan would wonder where she was...only for the sound of metal hitting ground catches her attention. Turning to see a Rusted figure in armor , he gave no reaction, just watching before slashing the ground to leave a message and left.
"If you wish to atone seek the tree, from this point you are on your own...but if you cause damage to the innocents here...I will hunt you...signed RK"
Pyrrha continued to lay in the damp sand, letting some of her waning strength return. The sound of brush being pushed aside, caused her to lift her head. Her emerald eyes seeking the source of the sound. She saw her, standing in the shadows at the edge of the beach where it met the forest.
"Cinder?" Pyrrha whimpered. She was positive she had lost her. Pyrrha had seen Neo's blade pierce Cinder through the throat. She had watched her fall. "Cinder, is... is it?"
Cinder said nothing but only reached out one of her hands and made a come to me gesture. Gritting her teeth, Pyrrha reached up, digging her fingers into the sand, and pulled, dragging her feet from the surf. Her eyes never strayed from Cinder, as she continued to stand at the edge of the forest, making the come gesture. Hand over hand, Pyrrha pulled herself further up the beach. Her fingers starting to be rubbed raw from gouging into the sand.
"Love, please!" Pyrrha called out, her pleading voice clouded with sorrow, and a hint of relief. "Help me, Cinder, please?"
Cinder smiled, dropping her hand to her side, and stepped backwards into the forest.
"Cinder!" Pyrrha cried out, only to watch as her lover vanished into the brush. "Cinder!"
There was no response, and after several minutes Pyrrha began to weep. Was it really her love? Was she alive, or was this her personal hell? It was then another sound reached her ears. One that she had not noticed during her attempt to crawl to Cinder. A scratching sound. The soft sound of grit brushing against steel. Still with tears in her eyes, she turned her head.
Seated upon a rock a few meters away, was a figure. Clad in deteriorating rusty armor. Pyrrha assumed the figure was male, just from how he sat, as he dragged the tip of his sword through the sand before him. Pyrrha knew the figure from her time as a child, and the fairy-tales her mother had read her at night. He was the Rusted Knight. That was all she knew. His features hidden under his helm.
"Can you... help me?" Pyrrha asked in a halting voice. He didn't even look at her, focusing instead on the task before him, and continued to drag his sword through the sand.
"Please?" Pyrrha asked, her tone desperate and pleading, as she rolled onto her side, pressing a hand to her wound. "Please, I'm hurt, I need..."
Her words stopped as the Rusted Knight stood. Sheathing his sword, he walked towards her. The only sound the crunch of sand beneath his armored feet.
"Thank... ahhh!!!" Pyrrha called out as the knight grabbed her by her long crimson locks and proceeded to drag her further up the beach. He released her when she was at the rocks upon which he was sitting on earlier.
"Why?" Pyrrha asked, her voice now tinted with fear. The knight said nothing, and instead grabbed her by the front of her corset like armor, and pulled her up into a seated position. releasing his grip he then pointed to the marks he had been carving in the sand.
"If you wish to atone. If you seek forgiveness, seek the tree. From this point onward, you are on your own. Stray from the path, or cause harm to the innocents here... I will hunt you... I will find you... I will kill you. Good luck and good bye. Rusted Knight"
Pyrrha blinked her eyes, not fully understanding the weight of the words written in the sand. This must be a dream. It had to be.
"I don't..." Pyrrha stopped asking her question as the Rusted Knight reached behind his back. She flinched as his hand then rose into the air. A spear unfolding in his hand. "Please! I thought I was..."
Pyrrha blinked, find a tarnished spear driven blade first into the sand besides her. A spear that was hers. A spear that last she saw was protruding from Jaune's chest.
"I..." Pyrrha chocked on her words, as she found herself alone on that isolated stretch of sand. The only evidence that anyone had been around her, a set of words gouged into the sand, and her spear imbedded in the ground beside her.
#rwby#jaune arc#pyrrha nikos#cinder fall#neopolitian (rwby)#rwby what if#cinder x pyrrha#cinder & pyrrha serve salem#pompeii
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Goodbye!
Previous fantape:
Sophie stares at the tape she now needs to watch and suddenly it hits her. Crap. Riley was supposed to introduce me. They had already agreed not to message when Riley was gone unless it was an emergency, just in case Hameln could use it to track their location somehow. I… guess I’m going into this on my own then… oh boy… don’t panic Sophie don’t panic. First impressions are important. Oh boy… she stares at the tape for a bit and then gently picks it up. UGH RILEY! I don’t mind if you put me in danger, but don’t put me in awkward social situations! Of course, nothing was going to happen if she kept wallowing in anxiety. OKAY! I just gotta go for it! Now or never! Nerves be gone! She shoves the tape into the VCR and it begins to play.
“Hi friends, I’m-” Amanda stops immediately, “Who the heck are you?” So we’re doing this immediately. Okay. Sophie thinks.
“Hi the-there! I’m Sophie, um Riley’s girlfriend. It’s very nice to meet you!”
“Hi Sophie! I’m Wooly!” Wooly grins. “It’s very nice to meet you t-” “Where’s Riley?” Amanda demands.
“Um… Riley’s out right now… gathering some more of the tapes-”
“I told them not to do that! It’s dangerous! Why didn’t they listen?!” Amanda snaps, stomping her foot.
“Because they care about you…”
“I care about them too! That’s why I told them to stop!”
“I get how you feel… It is dangerous. I mean, believe me, I really do want to help you but… I’m worried that maybe they’re being… reckless about this. They’re in a panic… a rush… trying to gather every tape before Hameln can. But… mmm…”
“I can’t believe this… I know I told them to go but… not because I never wanted to see them again.” Amanda cries.
“Don’t worry Amanda… you’ll see Riley again.” Sophie says gently. This poor kid… I wish I could just give her a big hug…
“How do you know that?”
“Because they promised me… and Riley has never ever broken a promise. That and… I gave them a special kiss of protection… so I’m sure they’ll be safe.” Please be safe Riley… don’t make me a liar.
“That stuff is all fake. It won’t work.” Amanda pouts.
“I guess you’re right,” Sophie sighs, “that’s why you have to tell people what you mean when they are here.”
“I just don’t want them to get hurt.” Amanda whimpers, “I don’t want them to die… like Kate and the others…”
“And Riley knows that. That’s why they’re gonna be careful.” Sophie smiles.
“Didn’t you just say you thought they were being reckless?” Amanda points out.
“Well… yes… maybe…” Sophie laughs nervously, “But Riley’s got a good head on their shoulders I’m sure they won’t do anything too dangerous. I… hope…”
“Very reassuring lady.” Amanda scoffs, rolling her eyes.
“Well until they get back, you’re stuck with me! So can we please be friends?”
“How do I know I can trust you?” Amanda asks.
“Well… Riley trusts her right?” Wooly points out. Amanda still looks unsure.
“Fine, you can stick around. But I still don’t trust you, got it?”
“Understood.” Sophie says cheerfully Good enough for now, I suppose. “Why don’t we start over? I’m Sophie. It’s very nice to meet you.”
“I’m Amanda. Well I used to be Rebecca Colton.” Amanda sighs.
“Oh we’re… giving her our old names too?” Wooly asks awkwardly. “Oh- okay… um I’m Wooly. I used to be William Scott but… that was a looong time ago heh heh…”
“I hope we can become really good friends!” Sophie grins.
“Me too!” Wooly beams. Amanda rolls her eyes.
“Yay! We’re going to play so much together!” Sophie cheers.
“What do you mean?” Amanda asks.
“I mean… I have about 10 tapes here that my mom left behind.”
“And Riley’s going to be watching some… right?”
“Probably when they get back. Till then you’ll just have to stick with me.” Sophie giggles. Amanda. Looks. Horrified. Suddenly, the whole room around Sophie changes. She quickly looks behind her. The ten tapes that she had on the table are now gone. “Wha- What did you do?!” Sophie says in a panic.
“I hid them! If you wanna watch them you’ll have to solve my puzzles and find them.”
“Oooh, interesting. Like a game? Sounds fun. I can play your games.”
“Eh?”
“Oooooh! Riley was right! This will be so much fun!” she giggles, “Ah! But make sure you keep them in this shelter where they’ll be safe! Riley worked really hard to get them away from Hameln you know! Don’t make their efforts go to waste.”
“Yeah yeah.”
“Hmm… So what are we going to play first?”
“Yeah Amanda, what’s our first adventure?” Wooly asks excitedly, dancing around a bit.
“Why are you so excited?” Amanda scoffs. “Well, now we have two new friends right? And they’re gonna help us get out of here!”
“I would kill to have your optimism Wooly.”
“Heh heh.”
“Soooooo?” Sophie prompts.
“You know, Riley almost always stayed quiet unless I asked them a question. So how about you do the same?” Amanda tells her.
“Amanda…” Wooly pouts.
“Noted. Lips sealed starting now!” Sophie nods, making a zipping motion over her mouth.
“That said… I have no idea… this episode… really doesn’t have a theme anymore if Riley’s gone.” Amanda sighs.
“Uh… I know! Why don’t we get to know each other?” Wooly asks. “For example… What's your favorite fruit? Mine’s peaches.”
“I like apples. Now you?” Sophie types in cherry. “Ew I don’t like those.” Excuse me? Cherries are the best! Sophie wants to refute. “Next up, what kind of stories do you like?” Sophie types in Romance. “I like tragedy!” Oooooh… romantic tragedies are awesome too. Sophie thinks.
“I… don’t like tragedy.” Wooly responds. “I prefer stories with happy endings.” Yeah those are nice too. As long as it’s realistic.
“This is sooooo boring!” Amanda groans.
“I mean, we can end the tape now if you’re done for the day. I have some homework to do anyway.”
“I thought you and Riley were adults?” Wooly questions.
“And I thought I told you not to talk unless I ask you a question!” Amanda scolds.
“We are adults. I’m getting my associates degree in child care online so I can run my own daycare center someday.”
“Must be nice… to have dreams like that.” Amanda sighs.
“Well you better start dreaming now, because we’re gonna get you out of there and into the real world!” Sophie beams.
“See Amanda, I told you this was a good thing!” Wooly grins. “Oooh… I wonder what I’d do…”
“You better start dreaming now!” Sophie smiles.
“I stopped dreaming long ago.” Amanda grumbles and ends the tape. Well… that could’ve gone better. Sophie thinks to herself But I guess it’s true that trust takes time. Even if Riley did introduce me, it wouldn’t mean that Amanda would trust me right away. She whips out her notepad. Now let’s see what I learned…
Amanda = Rebecca Colton. Wooly = William Scott. Riley already told me this, but it’s good to have written notes.
Amanda can change the locations of objects surrounding the tv. She really caught me off-guard with that.
Amanda wants me to stay quiet unless she asks a question. Kind of rude but okay.
Wooly likes peaches. Amanda likes apples. Amanda does not like cherries. We are tolerant of other opinions even when they are objectively wrong.
Amanda likes tragic stories, Wooly likes happy ones.
Amanda stopped dreaming long ago… Poor kid. Wooly seems to have more hope. But Riley says he tends to act positive for Amanda’s sake so that could just be a facade.
“Interesting…” Sophie says, tapping her pencil against her chin. “Now let’s find that next tape!”
Authors note: Well, there's the end of part 2! I feel like this fic was kind of short. Anyway, most of part 3 will probably be happy stuff. So look forward to it! I hope you enjoy Sophie's character!
#amanda the adventurer#amanda the adventurer 2#wooly the sheep#ata 2#amanda the adventurer wooly#maddykpost#fanfic#fanfiction#maddykwrites
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and this isn't to say that caitlyn never wanted to become commander, that she didn't have a choice in it or that she was always planning to turn on ambessa. and I'll look into those points separately because they don't undermine her decision in that moment.
1) caitlyn wanted to become a commander bcuz she didn't know what it'd mean and what it'd be like. she probably arrogantly thought she had more control over the situation and more independence from ambessa (her little house kiramman guide she opened with the key she inherited), that she could easily and quickly catch jinx and send her to stillwater or kill her and "any still loyal to silco" without stirring anything in zaun. she didn't expect that nobody in the undercity would know where tf jinx is (stuck in a cave taking care of isha), and that she'd become a symbol of the resistance in the meantime so people would... resist. caitlyn didn't want to hurt innocents but her hands were tied if she wanted to catch this incredibly unstable, violent and dangerous individual who'd attempted to blow her up twice, kidnapped her and asked vi to kill her (we still don't know what happened to caitlyn before vi got there but she hasn't been the same when it came to jinx since), she blew up her mother and half the council and presumably also ruined the statue ceremony and rallied the undercity against piltover. so don't hit me with the "why did she want to kill jinx" or say she was in the wrong for it.
2) there are always choices.
but this was admittedly a hard one and no one seems to have sensed the implications of ambessa taking the rains - her being the person on the inside for the zaunites who ruined the statue ceremony, salo wrapped around her finger calling up the most influential families in piltover, and her, counselor mel's literal warmonger mother (the epitome of authority) who gave her piltover to rule over, holding a speech that basically said "you will declare martial law against zaun rn bcuz i say they're threatening you. you will employ one of yours as a commander (and i'll choose who it is) and i'll generously lend them the resource of my army (making them dependant on me, directly controlling and green-lighting their every decision and breathing down their neck) to fight this war" and then everybody starts beating their chests, including caitlyn's own people. picture it: you've just lost your mother and had her statue ceremony turned into a massacre, your gf chose the incredibly destructive psycho killer who killed your mother and almost killed her and you a few times (after offering to kill jinx herself and telling you to "take the shot"), and this incredibly destructive psycho killer? very much still on the loose. what do you do? everyone's watching. waiting on you to be "a pillar of your community", "decorated officer, leader of house kiramman", the daughter of a deceased counselor. what do you do?
3) she always wanted to turn on ambessa
i think 1) sums up why i don't think she had that intention since the start + the fact that ambessa isn't a random person, she's an incredibly powerful fighter, influential in politics, tactical in war among other things and caitlyn probably thought highly of her and wanted to learn from her (them sparring) before having to work with her up close where she had the chance to see ambessa was unnecessarily brutal and ruthless, had a general disregard for the law when pursuing her goals, was sneaky and manipulative (this even maddie seems to sense because she kept reminding caitlyn it's her call, which, in a vacuum, would've been true). it's literally an idealist cop and a pragmatic warmonger, of course they wouldn't work well together. this tension betw the two of them has been building up for however long the time skip was. because caitlyn is the other face of ambessa's coin in some ways - she's also tactical, knowledgeable, but she's lawful, merciful, has a strong moral compass, etc
⚠️arcane s2 act ii spoilers⚠️
"caitlyn switching sides immediately when vi calls her cupcake again" "caitlyn double crossing her mentor ambessa out of the blue" "caitlyn and vi haven't talked or seen each other in months" "caitlyn randomly changing her mind" SHUT UP
if singed didn't manage to get warwick out his way (which would've still likely made warwick go berserk causing casualties and/or even losing the remainder of vander), ambessa's army of trained warriors, because notice there weren't any enforcers w/ them, would've raided a village of pacifists who don't have a single weapon, in order to catch and tame a monster that can and has turned a dozen people to bacon in minutes undoubtedly to employ it against other innocents (which caitlyn never wanted happening btw, even in her pursuit of jinx and her personal revenge, she thought it was taking too long and being too violent and destructive, which we saw caused tension betw her and ambessa), not to mention caitlyn called singed a monster and we don't quite see her changing her mind after seeing the dead daughter he does animal testing in order to immortalize, she'd alr confronted ambessa for her and her himbo's methods (warmongers not following the lawful procedures, who's surprised), and if in the midst of me potentially spying on ambessa and her people vi of all ppl falls from the sky to say this "monster" is her dad (considering caitlyn is still deeply grieving her mother and has been under the impression vi's dad is dead) and that the village prophet will turn him to a man again (effectively neutralizing a potentially uncontrollable and very severe threat) like i'm sorry but if i was caitlyn and had to act immediately under a time crunch, i'd also go straight to "here's where the guards are placed, i'll walk you in as a hostage" it was the perfect moment to betray ambessa to diverge attention (and it would've worked if jayce hadn't blown a hole through viktor's chest, which i'm actually not exactly blaming him for doing to a eugenics enthusiast) - w/ the help of vi and in the urgency of needing to figure out how to save all those people by herself (and in the undercity too bcuz it's a relatively neutral ground and caitlyn can't go quite back home after this unless she kills ambessa or smth) and why couldn't she have done it before? the stakes weren't as high before and she also couldn't do much against ambessa in piltover without a single capable counselor left (despite everyone telling her "it's your call" it's never that simple in politics)
and even if you took the complete opposite stance and argued that caitlyn doesn't love vi anymore/never truly did bcuz she hurt her, pushed her away, got a rebound and became authoritarian (which isn't a hill you can easily die on if you consider literally any other outside influences on the situations and relationships in arcane imo) guess what? none of these things matter for the decision caitlyn had to make (and vi likely didn't tell her jinx was in the village too)
#vi x caitlyn#caitlyn arcane#caitvi#caitlyn kiramman#vi arcane#arcane ambessa#ambessa medarda#arcane act two#arcane act 2#arcane spoilers#arcane season 2#arcane s2#arcane#arcane act ii#arcane zaun#arcane piltover#piltover and zaun
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kinda wild to me that one of the most compelling aspects of both Chuuya and Kunikida's characters to me, that I never really see talked about, is how they're heavily set on a doomed crash course towards complete and utter destruction, and how I am so, so worried for them both.....
#bungou stray dogs#been thinking a lot about chuuya lately (shocking for me i know (said with no sarcasm truly lmao it is rare for me))#cause of the 15 manga and also playing the fucking jeht quest in genshin impact ugh (where's the one dual genshin bsd fan who Understands)#but like this pressure has been building up for chuuya for so long due to being used and manipulated by all these people#first the sheep then mori then verlaine then still mori now#he was groomed since childhood just like dazai#but unlike dazai he didn't have an oda to help him get out of the mafia........ he's still stuck there#and his personality is different from dazai's. dazai was more self-aware imo (but still a groomed emotionally abused kid don't get me wrong#but chuuya's whole thing is needing to belong and wanting a leader to be loyal to but ending up in positions of leadership himself#which makes him feel pressured but he accepts and stifles any negative feelings just because he wants to belong#and all this crushed him with the events in the light novels and yeah he went through character growth but he's...... Still In The Mafia...#and that fucking scene asagiri added to the cannibalism stage play i don't think hardly anyone even knows about bc IT'S NOT DISCUSSED ANYMO#where mori emotionally manipulates him with the flags!!! and it deeply hurts him!!! and he presumably deals with that shit all the time!!!#it is WORRISOME. it WORRIES ME okay.#chuuya doesn't have anyone who can save him from the mafia (dazai is in no position to okay; it's all he can do just to try to save himself#and it's so so scary. it spells awful things for him.#didn't asagiri say he'd have a rough path or something??? and he added that fucking scene in the play!!! it haunts me!!#i fully expected this shit to hit a turning point in the meursault arc but we can't have nice things i guess#and as for kunikida a;lskdfl (took me this long to get to him oop) literally the ending of Entrance Exam (the novel) is just#One Big Foreshadowing for Kunikida's downfall#he's compared to the azure king for a reason. Sasaki saw the azure king in him for a reason. it's fucking worrying!!!!!#there hasn't really been anything like that since in the manga (just like for chuuya lol ugh) but he's TERRIBLE at coping with his trauma#and it only gets more apparent once shit hit the fan in the doa/hunting dogs/meursault arc#it's not good!!! i'm worried for kunikida too!!!!#even if the manga isn't focusing on this these worries are always in the back of my mind man#both kunikida and chuuya are doomed to hit some kind of breaking point eventually and i await those moments with dread yet anticipation#i want dazai to be able to save kunikida from the despair being too good a person brings the way he couldn't save oda#and chuuya.... if we get a scene with him & mori mirroring the one in dark era where dazai finds out that mori orchestrated the kids' death#oh man i think i'll fucking die (give it to me i need to cry)
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Does anybody else, like. When people talk about "Oh those stupid guys who are too pathetic and awful and off-putting to get a girlfriend" and, because you are a queer woman who has had difficulty in trying to date other women, you assume that they are also talking about. You.
#like LOGICALLY. I know the difference between me and Those Guys is that they hate women and don't see them as people and also#refuse to better themselves/refuse to accept rejection. and none of that applies to me.#but just...so many times the punchline seems to be 'haha you're single' and like. y'all so are lots of people! that's not an inherent sign#of Being Irredeemably Pathetic!#I know the point is to hit these people where it hurts and where it hurts is 'lmao women don't want you'#but y'know. women don't want ME either!!! which is understandable I'm very weird but I don't TAKE IT OUT ON OTHER PEOPLE.#I CERTAINLY DON'T GET PUSHY AT PEOPLE WHEN THEY REJECT ME!!!!!! I CERTAINLY DON'T SEE WOMEN AS LESSER!!!!!!!!!!#DON'T GROUP ME WITH THE PEOPLE WHO DO THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#and I mean...I can't control how other people feel about me? if women do not want to date me then that's just a thing I have to be#sad about and move on from I don't think that makes me like. evil?? I don't think that automatically means I'm completely lacking in#common sense or something? idk. my thoughts on this are very disconnected and I am going to go write about my favorite#married fictional war criminals now
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just full force threw a shoe at my sister's face and when my mum got me alone after she was like 'you shouldn't clobber her. but i get it' 😭
#it kicked off today but in my defence she's actually proper in the wrong this time even my DAD called her a bitch and my mum is FUMING#baso my sister came into my work with her mate when i was closing the other day and all the staff GLARED at them bc of aforementioned#close so i was being v chill so everyone 1) knew it was my sister and not some customer coming in late and 2) her friend wouldnt be uncomfy#like that's the real kicker her i was being extra laid back FOR her friend so he'd feel more at ease. and one thing about me is yes ive#said countless times i have a rural accent but my mum also raised me to know when and how to speak nice if need be bc people are cunts here#so when im waitressing i speak nicely bc it's a stuck up restaurant w stuck up customers but when im with my sister? making a point of#being laid back? my normal accent came through. and her mate when i was gone said i sounded 'really [from the county we live in]'#which WOULD NOT BE A COMPLIMENT. it's baso saying 'your sister sounds local and chavy' without using such explosive words#and my sister LET HIM SAY IT. SHE DIDNT DEFEND ME. and she told my mum about it later bc SHE THOUGHT SHE'D TELL ME OFF#LIKE SHE DID IT TO SNITCH. THERE WAS NO SCENARIO WHERE MY SISTER WASNT BEING A CUNT. and my mum hit the ROOF#one thing she's rlly been big on is loyalty bc it's always been the 3 of us so when she found out my sister let him say that she FLIPPED#and this all happened last night and i only found out this morning bc i overheard them screaming at each other and turns out my mum#tried to keep it from me bc she didnt want my feelings hurt and IM pissed bc it actually did hurt more than i thought it would#like i KNOW what people say about my accent but it's a guy i know? my sister's been friends w him for years? i was being nice?#it's EMBARRASSING like i was clueless & friendly and turned around for him to be like 'look at this stupid local girl' like??#and my sister did NOTHING? it just sucks so i STORMED upstairs when i found out and had it out with my sister#and she knew she was fucked so she did all 'im not talking to you i have nothing to say' AND PUT HER EARPHONES IN?#the way i RIPPED them out. got in her face like okay girl u think i sound like a chav ill act like a chav lets GO#and it just got really aggressive and i wound up grabbing HER OWN SANDAL and full force hurling it at her face 😭 oops#from close range too like i was already in her face so i basically just smacked her with a sandal DSHGJKSH#now we're sat in silence bc alas we still share a room. WHAT the fuck. insane tbh but it's a bit funny. im so angry rn i could KILL#hella goes home
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.
#there’s a content creator that passed aways a few years ago#and he was very loved and still is#and im seeing people say stuff like ‘i started watching just recently but it’s so fun to watch him’#and 🤧#its sweet? and theres ppl that are fans saying the same thing#about still consuming content. about his humor still holding up#and im thinking about liam:( i guess i want to also get to a point where its fondly looking back at memories#not feeling overly sad:(#though its a bit different#especially bc of how sudden it all was#so so so sudden and unfair#why did this happen:(#i love seeing pictures of happy memories of him#but the most recent pics make me sad:(#i dont know what im saying#i miss him i miss him#i feel for his family so much#worst pain possible#i hope they can be together and support each other#this will hurt a lifetime but we will remember him always too#our darling#:(#day of the death is just hitting me more
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Everyone talls about yjh being doomed by the narrative but if you look at it with a wider lens, the one truly doomed is kdj. He knows the one he wants to save most (yjh) can only be saved if he himself becomes that which yjh hates, a constellation. He does it, expecting yjh to turn on him in the end. Then later he realizes to fulfill a contract he must end himself, yet also he must become a prisoner; to free him is to doom everything, so he shatters himself into countless pieces so he can never be saved. He has already sacrificed himself over and over in ways both large and small; he continually lays himself upon the altar, and finally becomes beyond any reasonable reach.
It's only because yjh is entirely unreasonable and hsy is ultimately both guilty and imminently skilled that he could, eventually, be saved - even though I fully believe he didn't think it would happen.
He is the literal worst princess to save, he's actively sabotaging his own redemption
#orv spoilers#i can actively feel yjh's hands itching to strangle him#but also not#by the end i don't think yjh has it in him to actually hurt kdj#actually i need to re-read#at which point does yjh learn of kdj's past?#there's a point where i don't remember yjh actually hitting kdj outside of duels because they can't communicate like normal hecking people#but then there's also a point he stops doing that too#i like to think at some point he learns of kdj's father's actions and comes to realize he was repeating it#and actively works to not hurt him again#at the very least i know after they come back with kid!kdj the stain on his sword from cutting kdj's letters pains yjh very deeply#i dearly want to crawl through this man's brain a few times#orv
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The Online Fandom 7 Deadly Sins
sloth: complaining about how no one writes the tropes or pairings you like and bashing what's already out there, while refusing to create anything you desire yourself
greed: zine and other finance-related scandals with zero remorse for those negatively affected
gluttony: spending rent money on merch, experiencing buyer's remorse, then repeating the same process next month
wrath: anon hate over literally everything under the sun, even harassing official writers and threatening them if they don't make your ship canon
pride: devaluing other's characterizations and ships to praise yours as better, whether through a canon perspective or a moral perspective, when neither matter in the long run when it comes to your own enjoyment
envy: trash talking others' fandom creations or saying you won't bother creating anything because it'll never be as good as them
lust: fighting over who tops or bottoms because of your personal preferences when one, both, or neither could happen, especially when most of these characters never even kiss canonically nor have most people fighting done any of these things irl themselves
#parker says things#i'm not exempt I've definitely done a few of the things listed#especially pride and envy god those really go hand in hand and it's sad#but seriously...guys does any of this matter in the long run#just have fun#if someone is having fun in a way that clashes with your own type of enjoyment just hit da bricks!#that guy's got horns! well not gonna ruin my day!#live like Yusuke guys#i've been afk because I'm dealing with some intense depression but fandom has actively hurt more than helped me#and I know plenty of ppl myself included think discussion of meta is enjoyable but I think things reach a point where it's only stewing#the inherent focus on adhering to a singular strict perspective is toxic to ourselves in the long run#have fun! be self indulgent#almost everything posted is gonna be ooc to some people even if it's 100 percent accurate to others#and just in general idk I think we should focus on fandom as a sense of fun instead of a marketing ploy#most of us are not here to make fanart or writing a career#I'm not really a community person and I've learned that the hard way over a decade and more#but i just hope people will find what sparks joy and enjoy themselves again#I don't think I'll be active in fandoms much anymore as I focus more on my personal life and recover from some things#but I wish everyone much love and hope for the best for people#even if we've had some bad interactions I do not wish ill upon anyone#i got off topic but these tags are just me saying I'll stick to lurking publicly and replying to my DMs and writing in private#will still post some things to my AO3!! maybe#anyways tag yourself I'm a recovering glutton/envy
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The episodes at the baratie are good if you ignore the big fucking elephant in the room that is sanji. Which is you know not a thing that can be easily ignored
#and everything is so in your face have we tried subtetly#those boots are ugly af zoro.... not a boot transition....#sanji made riceballs............ there is zosan even before they talk to each other.... it is real to me......#there is zosan everywhere for those with the eyes to see it#the waddy itchy monkey#luffy spirialing ajdhajshssjj my boy.....#their meeting is so ass.......the oregano callback....#they need to get okay with hitting children sometimes or we arent making it to wano#zeff lost his spice double belt in the storm :(((#you know they could have gotten away with it if sanji just witnessed zoros fight... like that is the whole point.... zosan moment missing#critical one even#luffy listening to a backstory OOC!!!!!!#koby telling garp luffy will always be a pirate.... where is his fist of love#nami saying she always ends up hurting the people close to her.... that is NOT it#sanji didnt need to take off his shirt for that....#no soft measures we will capture them. what was the plan before lmao#theyve got brunch at the baratie so modern#this was funny at least. I AM LEAVING WITH LUFFY. SURE YOU HAVE MY PERMISSION. and they are both still angry#well you know luffy abandonment issues in here are done early and big#also where is carne#talking tag#watching opla#like sanji leaves put of spite... is that it...#literally sanji and zeff watching zoro fight and making two comments would have fixed it.... bc sanji would understand there why zeff#wants him gone.... without zeff explaining it
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i just gotta say peoples' obsessions with writing toxic relationships just concerns the shit outta me on this hellsite.
#ooc. your local bodega kat.#[everyone: i love complex relationships! what everyone means: couples fighting is normal! so if they're horrendous to each other#sometimes it's normal!!#couples fight like... of course. it's unhealthy NOT to fight. but there's a level where it's....uhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHH and some of what's said#or done that people condone on here is wild. if i had a nickel for every time i saw someone say their character was a wonderful spouse and#then display like 10 reasons why they're covertly emotionally or verbally abusive. the rpc has such a tendency to refer to dv in one#specific term when it comes to ic ships and it's always physical but everything else is 'complex' and man that's worrying. see also: why#i was taught in grad school never to teach streetcar with marlon brando because students excuse him immediately due to his looks and his#bullshit angst. it's alarming as fuck. coming from parents who were sometimes physically abusive (to me and each other) like... this also#needs to be recognized in self-critical media. there's so much shit that needs evaluating. and it's not like i've never written a toxic#ship. i wrote the fucking WORST on at one point because i was too chickenshit to get alana out of it. and it ended in her being DESTROYED.#you know. like those kind of relationships tend to end in. like. my ex-father beat the fuck out of a dude in a bar who hit on my mom and#then when he found out the guy died a day later it was military or jail and he went military. and then my mom took him BACK. this is REAL#LIFE SHIT. writing it is virtually incredibly depressing and writing it without making clear it's fucked up is worse. whether you've been#through it or not. in that case: why even. shit hurts enough when you go through it. why would you want to vicariously go through it#being a fake person if there was no way to turn the outcome through healing and positive growth. sorry for being an optimist basically.]#domestic violence mention /#domestic abuse mention /#abuse mention /#murder mention /#[i'm just thinking back on the most toxic fucking verse i ever had and how glad i am said person and i no longer speak.]
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not ready to go back to work tomorrow but luckily im so not ready that my brain isn't letting it fully process and so im just kind of numb except for little moments when the panic breaks through again
#feeling more and more like a robot and less and less like a person the emptier my life gets#the future is so empty like its just work and isolation forever#i have one thing left at the end of this week and then after that its just work and family and alone#and i think numbing out completely is really the only way ill be able to cope at all#i didnt used to really be able to do that but maybe now im to the point where i just have to so its become an option#idk i also might just be lying to myself and be about to get hit really hard with how bad this all is tomorrow#job interview friday. but plausibly i dont think i can take the job even if i get it bc i just dont think i can move to nyc#i just feel like ive hit a dead end#like i was a side character in someone elses story and that person has moved on so im just like floating in stasis#bc my part of the story is over i wrote myself out of their lives so i don't really exist anymore#idk my brain is telling me all these things that i know are silly but feel so true and i just am tired and empty#sorry to be dramatic and complain again just dreading work so bad#i just dont see any path forward thats not this forever loop like i cant make or have real connections with other ppl#and thats whats supposed to make a life real and worth living#but ive never had the capacity to connect right and ive never had passion for anything and ive never been able to really love and be loved#and i dont know how to fix any of it bc honestly i dont think any of its fixable#ill always be an emotionally harmful drain on anyone i think i love and ill always be left when they realize that#and then ive just hurt another person and i dont want to be a person that just hurts people so i cant be around people anymore#but its so empty and its so lonely and i hate myself so fucking much#anyway. i sound like a pathetic whiny teenager lmao sorry i know how stupid it all is i promise
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I'm starting to really feel like I might have to like. stop being online. in any form. but especially on social media.
I already don't read the news anymore because it made me too anxious. but social media is basically like the news except worse. at least with the news you know that you're mostly gonna get bad things. on tumblr/reddit/wherever it's a pleasant stream of fun/interesting/entertaining posts and then bam here's some really bad shit that's going to ruin the world as we know it and we're all fucked and there's nothing you can do about it! and right below it is the next cute cat picture or a cool drawing or a silly text post and you just keep scrolling
#I've been thinking about this for a while because there have been so many times lately where this has happened and I could just feel that#awful feeling of despair and hopelessness immediately after seeing something like that#it bothers me for ages#it ruins my day sometimes#how does me knowing all the bad things that are happening all over the world all the time help anything#it's not that I don't care or that I think this feeling is even remotely comparable to what people who are going through those awful things#experience#but we're not meant to know all this awful shit#we're just not. and with the way my brain works I just can't keep doing this if I want to keep going#it sounds so melodramatic but every single post/video like that just makes me want to die#so. I don't know. what's the point in saying this#tons of people have said this better than me but this is just me venting so that doesn't matter.#I don't want to keep doing this. I don't want to pick up my phone and mindlessly scroll for hours and I especially don't want to get hit by#those unexpected awful news again and again every day until it's too much#ugh im feeling so fucking bad tonight#what's even the point#I know it's all bad and it keeps getting worse and we're still not changing anything and people are suffering and it's relentless and#I want to think about this stuff but not like this#it just hurts and nothing else#I just want to sleep
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