#I know it's not a big deal but I just kinda want to live in my little sapphic and lumiharem bubble to escape from life ya know -v-
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A Part Of The Family
Roy Harper and Lian Harper Drabble!!! (feat. Jason Todd and Dick Grayson)
A/N: if you’ve kept up with me, you might have noticed that I’ve started to stan Roy YAY 😫 it was a crazy deep dive and I got attached to his character lol one of the main reasons i wanted to write for him was because of his Native American/Indigenous upbringing. I was shocked when I found out because (i don’t normally try to share too much about myself cause this is a public space) but i’m indigenous too ✨😌✨ i have to rep my people for Native American Heritage Month *confetti* but i thought i would have to share this to give context on how i plan to write and explore Roy’s character. At least from my research (sorry if this is wrong) but he did grow up on the reservation in some of the backstories and it’s not explored very much :( it explains his tattoo, knowing the language, and frankly, a lot of native rep is kinda bad, but i thought leaving out a major part of his childhood didn’t help reflect who he was. As someone who has experience and lives as a member of the tribe it’s based on, I wanted to share some silly thoughts :) ofc remember all people with cultural backgrounds have different experiences so read this or don’t but i’ll see how this turns out so ENJOY 💐 and comment, like, reblog
Summary: Roy shares a part of his past with Jason and now he’s determined to share an important moment of Lian’s life.
Word Count: 1.2k
“I don’t think she’s going to budge anytime soon.” Roy rested himself on the couch, overlooking his best friend and daughter. They were both on the floor, a soft blanket laid for Lian’s designated tummy time.
Lian blankly watched Jason hold toys, making noises as she followed the sounds, glancing up to look at his excited face as he talked to her.
“Don’t listen to him, Lian. Just over three months of life and we are already best friends.” Jason’s words kept Lian’s attention.
She would give the tiniest smile in return. No laughter yet, but she expressed her enjoyment of Jason’s presence, nonetheless.
Roy was grinning watching the two, a much clearer expression, but remarkably like Lian’s smile. He had been lacking some sleep, but Jason’s frequent visits were helping him get a couple extra minutes of rest.
To Roy’s surprise, Jason had been over almost everyday this week.
The company was fine, better even according to Roy, but he didn’t mean for this to happen. It had been a small slip, a tiny mistake, just a sleepy mumble of his brain when he watched Jason clumsily hold Lian for the first time.
Roy corrected Jason’s hands to be comfortable for him and Lian. In the movement, he had unconsciously spoken.
“This reminds me of way back, when there was a new baby in the community, all the kids would crowd around trying to make funny faces, trying to make the baby laugh.” Roy lulled along to Jason’s slight sway, more confident in holding Lian in his arms. “Then we would hear all the elders yell out to us that we would have to cook if we got the baby to laugh.”
Roy chuckled to himself, remembering the days back on the reservation, feeling the hot sun on his skin.
Jason set his gaze on Roy, never moving his head away from Lian’s tiny body, but focused on the man’s sudden reminiscent tone.
It wasn’t often that Roy mentioned the past, he didn’t discourage it directly, but he also didn’t freely talk about it either.
So, Jason took a chance.
“Cook?” Jason harmlessly questioned, smoothing out the tiny hairs on Lian’s forehead as she stared at his face again.
“Well, it’s a big deal when a baby laughs for the first time. We celebrate and it’s planned by the person who makes the baby laugh.” Roy got up from his spot once he heard the washer finish. “Almost costed my entire savings when one of my friends and I tripped trying to run to the baby first, luckily all we got was a big sneeze.”
Roy threw the damp clothes into the dryer, chuckling to himself.
“I wonder when Lian’s going to laugh.” Roy smiled at the thought. “I hope it’s soon. Wouldn’t mind a lil’ party.”
Roy should have been careful about his words that afternoon.
Now Jason felt determined to be the first person to make Lian laugh.
At this rate, Roy wouldn’t be surprised if he already had the decorations planned out and stashed away somewhere.
It was nice to have company. Roy had usually expected Jason to be there next to Lian, giving laidback greetings.
Then there was another Bat sitting before his daughter.
Dick had unknowingly found out about Jason’s frequent visits and Jason was very pissed about it. Despite his very noticeable apprehension to Dick’s presence, he bit his tongue in favor of Lian finding the new addition intriguing.
Too intriguing. Uncomfortably intriguing and an annoyance to Jason.
“Fu—Get lost, Dickface.” Jason spoke with slight venom in his voice, but it quickly disappeared as he held out his fingers to Lian’s tiny hands.
“But Lian wants me here. Isn’t that right, Lian?” Dick cooed, a twinkle in his eyes as he spoke. Making noises to get her attention.
“Don’t you have other red heads to bother?” Jason scooted closer to Lian, trying to nudge Dick away.
“You’ve been here five days in a row and you expect me to ignore that?” Dick stood up to make faces at Lian from above Jason’s head.
“A man can’t visit a friend?” Jason stood up blocking Dick.
“Then I’m visiting a friend too.” Dick maneuvered his way to Lian’s side in her bouncer.
“Just fucking leave—“ Jason threw Lian’s rattle at the back of Dick’s head.
The tiny sounds bounced off Dick’s back as it collided to his feet.
There was a brief moment of silence before Dick slowly looked back at Jason. A smile was on his face, but the vein in his head was bulging slowly.
“Dinner’s ready—“ Roy called out, making eye contact with the two men wrestling with a baby blanket as Jason tried to somehow twist the fabric to trap his brother.
Dick on the other hand was flexible enough to lessen the hold and pushed the side of Jason’s face with his free hand.
They murmured insults back and forth as calmly as they could, but the strained smiles on their faces couldn’t mask their current wrestling match.
“Stop pushing me—“ Jason grumbled.
“Then stop twisting my arm—“ Dick pressed back.
“Hehehe.”
Three necks snapped to the quiet sound from the ground, almost lost in the commotion, but there was little Lian.
She laid on her back in her bouncer, completely enamored by the noise and movements around her.
She made small movements in her arms in her excitement, a wide gummy smile on her face.
“I made her laugh.” Jason smiled confidently while tightening the baby blanket around his brother.
“I made her laugh.” Dick challenged, trying to kick back.
Roy walked around the two men to pick up Lian, cuddling her in his arms, and unbelievably happy to witness the delightful sounds from his daughter for the first time.
“Nuh uh, Dickwad, it’s my party.” Jason threatened.
“Jaybird, she was looking at me too! Wait, what party?” Dick finally asked.
“Why are you even here?!” Jason groaned.
Roy couldn’t even focus on the two bickering behind him, he was busy kissing the side of his daughter's head.
He tenderly kept her in his arms, seeing her gaze back up at him.
His smile was met with a smaller copy of his own.
Roy had seen and heard of the A’wee Chi’deedloh, the First Laugh Ceremony, in his time living on the reservation. As a kid, it was just a time for him to eat and play with his friends, but it also welcomed a new family member.
He remembers one of the elder women talking to him as a young boy who stood watching from the distance.
“We welcome the baby into our present world from the Spirit World, it’s a time that we share with everyone. It’s the first sign of a baby showing us they want to be a part of the family, to show and give love.” Roy heard the elder talk to him. “Don’t forget to eat and get salt from the baby, it’s their offering to us, to encourage them to be generous as they grow.”
At the time, Roy was involving himself more with the tribe, asking questions and participating. He remembers the look on the baby’s face as he received salt and a bag of goods.
He remembered how content he felt that day eating his sweets and now he would finally experience the perspective of a parent helping their child in the ceremony.
“Welcome, she’awéé’, my Lian.” Roy affectionately whispered to his daughter. “I’m happy you want to be here.”
—
Translations:
She’awéé’ — my baby
A’wee Chi’deedloh — First Laugh Ceremony
Roy Tag List: (temporary) @soysaurus @janybabyy @simpingforheros
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ROS reaction of mc giving them the mother treatment? Loving them for a decade and leaving out of nowhere
Ouch!
Cassandra: If you left a letter like mother did, Cass is hunting your ass down, hell hath absolutely no fury. MC is going to be living always looking over their solder because that woman would be relentless and beyond pissed when she finds them. As for her intentions and deeper feelings, I think all that is on her mind is to find MC and just grab them. Mostly coming from a place of desperation to hold them close and never let them leave again, but after all the yelling and possible punching; Cass would ask them, 'why'? If she feels as if MC just doesn't want to be with her anymore then she would curse them but let them go, if it was something deeper. Like a bigger threat they were trying to protect her from, then she might be able to forgive them. But all that comes after she goes full terminator.
Valeria: Would be heartbroken and would seek help from passing missionaries and the church, she would always ask the passing travelers if they have seen MC or if they can keep an eye out for her. She would even travel church-to-church to expand the amount of people she could ask, most in the church after a while would tell her to stop and accept what MC has done. She would never remarry or find someone else and would dedicate her life to the church. And I think after a few years she would eventually make peace with it but never fully forgive MC for how they hurt her, especially when she knows that MC should know better than anyone just how much this type of disappearance hurts.
Tomas: Owwwwwwww. My poor boy. He would feel as if someone directly tore his chest open and ripped out his heart, and ran away with it. Because that's essentially what MC has done, he had put his guard down for the first time and let them in; and they repaid that by stealing away his happiness and pride. I want to say he would look desperately for MC for a few years, he would spare no expense and leave everything he has behind in order to track MC down and try to bring them back. He would both curse their name and quietly beg to God to bring them back to him every night, I think if he ever found MC he would forgive them pretty quickly as long as he knows MC still loves him. But if he never found them he would give up after a couple of years of searching due to either age or injury, he would go back home defeated and beyond bitter. Still hoping maybe one day MC would come back to him,
-
Ludovica: Ughhhhh, also my poor baby! Sweetie would have a full mental breakdown, my darling girl would not be able to go out and find MC but by God she will spend her whole fortune paying bounty hunters and trackers to bring them back. MC would have to be a legendary sneak to avoid the sheer amount of heat this woman will put on their back, every bounty hunter would know about the legendary runaway lover. Even years after the initial bounty is placed to bring MC back alive and unharmed, everyone still keeps an eye out for them in hopes to win that huge payout. Ludovica would be even more distraught as more years pass, always blaming herself for their disappearance and wondering what it was exactly she did wrong. She would pray they come back or be found (which is kinda a big deal since she doesn't believe in a God) out of sheer desperation. If MC is gone for more than 4 years I don't think she would last...
Aurelio: He would tell himself that he shouldn't be too surprised. Of course having someone like MC in his life was too good to be true, at the end of the day, for him; everyone eventually leaves. He won't look for MC, he's respect their decision to leave him; although that goes to say he isn't completely unfazed by this. He'd deal with his sorrow by throwing himself deeper into his work, parties, and wine. He'd be a bit more melancholic and less energetic than he was before. He would have relations with other people every now and then but he would never date, much less ever fall in love, with anyone ever again. MC is very much 'the one who got away' for him.
Elio: He would laugh. MC is adorable if they think they can teach him how to love and live with him happily for all these years then just up and leave him. He rejects the idea completely, I think I have said this somewhere before but he never will fully accept a break up if MC had taught him how nice it feels to love someone first. He is a lazy ass but when it comes to someone or something he desperately wants he is like a whole different person. Hear me now, he will spend the rest of his life tracking MC down. He will never stop and believe me, he will never get tired of looking either. The way he sees it, the world is only so big and it's only a matter of time before he finds them.
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RealAgeAu Drabble - Shopping
I am back at it again because I had ideas. (don't worry friend @spotaus things are being planned and I got many many ideas :3 but before those happen stuff needs to be established and put in place!)
I was debating between like four different drabble ideas but settled on this one. Something calming for a bit :)
First Drabble Prev Drabble Next Drabble
as always. No editing and no beta.
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Dust shoots Killer another glare as he holds Nightmare clsoer "I mean it Killer. get out of my blindspot. It is getting annoying."
Nightmare looks from Dust to Killer and sees the large grin on Killer's face as he skips after Dust and Nightmare "Nah. I think it is good i am here because it is your blindspot!"
Dust grumbles as he holds Nightmare clsoer. Nightmare just pushes his skull under Dust's chin as he listens to the two bicker. Dust gives him a quick nuzzle before shooting Killer another glare "Why are you even here?" Killer still has a large grin on his face "I am backup!"
Dust groans "I am getting Nightmare clothes."
Killer nods as he follows them "backup!"
Dust huffs before looking back at Nightmare. Nightmare sees the glare disappear from his face as Dust lets out a sigh before smiling at Nightmare "makes you start to wonder who helped who out of getting stuck in a wall."
Killer gasps loudly "That only happened a few times!"
Ngihtmare grins and laughs as he leans fully against Dust again. He likes being held by Dust and Dust must like it too because he always holds him.
Nightmare figured it was because his spine is fragile and walking for too long starts to bother him but Dust still just holds him. always. Maybe he also likes being close like this?
Thoguht Nightmare isn't sure what Dust gets out of it but he must really like something abut the close contact.
They walk past another few people who look at them. Nightmare shoots a glance as Dust and Killer continue to bicker. They seem to shoot Dust and him worried looks but chuckle once they realise that Dust and Killer are just doing their way of bonding.
Nightmare always thought the flirting between those two was weird but then again he thought most things dating was weird. Maybe because he was still a child in his soul...
Not that it matters.
Nightmare shoots a glance and spots Killer grinning widely as his soul is clearly in soulshape and looks stable. Dust may have an annoyed look on his face but he has a tiny smile on his face.
Nightmare hides his face in Dust's sweater but he can't hide the purr. He wants them to be happy. They are happy even with him near.
Dust notices of course nad gives him another nuzzle "comfy? Spine okay?"
Nightmare nods "Yeah."
Dust hums to signal he heard him but still rubs his back.
They finally stop near one of the smaller houses which is the clothing shop for this town.
Dust tilts his skull as Killer snorts "oh that is adorable. ready to dress Nightmare as a tiny old man?" he grins
Dust shoots Killer a glare "It isn't that bad..." then he looks at the store "just... a bit old fashioned..." he looks at him "That okay?"
Nightmare nods before shrugging "I don't get why i need new things..."
Dust sighs. Killer leans on Dust's other shoulder and shoots him a wink "Because you are still wearing Dust's things. and quite honestly. Dusty does not have a large enough wardrobe to dress both of you."
Nightmare frowns as he pushes clsoer to Dust. He doesn't mind wearing stuff them them. It are things that are well worn and soft and smell of them and old laundry detergent.
Dust nuzzles his skull "It will be nice. You can check what you like and what feels nice and is comfortable."
Nightmare frowns "it is expensive." which is another reason why he doesn't want to get anything.
Dust frowns and Killer quickly answers "That is a worry for us. And Dusty said it is fine so it is fine." he grins.
Dust nods "made some money. more than enough to get you some things."
Nightmare wants to disagree more but Dust walks into the store.
The inside isn't like he thought it would be. there is actually quite a number of nice looking things and looks more modern than you would think from the outside.
DUst makes a pleased sound before smiling smugly "Seems like they were just showing off the knitwear because it is autumn." he shoots Killer a look "Almost as if i did my research and knew it would be okay here." and he walks further into the store.
Killer sputters before following them "I know that Dusty! You always do that! I was just joking around!" he pouts but doesn't offer anything. Really just a shadow. It reminds Nightmare a bit about how it was before. Killer beign his right hand and always by his side to help and protect him. It still feels different now and even when thinking back to those memories they feel different.
Killer spots him looking at him and grins before wriggling his phalanges in a tiny wave at him. Nightmare huffs and pushes back closer to Dust.
Dust is looking through some clothes on the hanger "Stop bothering Nightmare." he pulls something off and looks it over critically. he holds it up for him to inspect and Nightmare just shrugs.
Killer pouts as he crosses his arms "Just having fun. And tiny boss is fine with it!" he grins at him "Right nighty?"
Nightmare shrugs. he doens't mind. it is nice.
Dust rolls his eye lights and doesn't look at Killer "Even if he is fine with is safe it for later. first buying clothes. Then you can tire him out."
Nightmare huffs and grumbles. he doesn't need tiring out. he is perfectly fine. Dust holds up another sweater and he shrugs again.
"Oh hello there dears! Can you find it all?"
Killer nad Dust turn and Nightmare feels Dust freeze for a moment. Yeah not a surprise because the woman looks a lot like Toriel. But Nightmare doubts it is the her of this universe. The closer he looks the more this woman seems like a sheep monster.
Killer and Dust must see it too as Killer grins "Pretty much! but we got it!"
Dust shoots him a look "Killer knock it off." he looks at the lady "We are looking for stuff for the little guy."
The lady smiles sweetly "Oh! You two must be two of Sans- I am sorry, Crop's friends!" she looks them over and her gaze lingers on Dust for a moment before settling on Nightmare. Nightmare can't stop the instinct of holding on tighter to Dust. He doesn't like having stranger's gazes on him.
The smiles sweetly "I can see the resemblance! You must be very proud of such a young handsome little boy!"
Dust looks to the side and shrugs but his hold on him tightens. Killer snorts, which is fair as they aren't actually related. Maybe she just sees the resemblance before Nightmare now looks much more like a tiny swap sans, as that was the original form his mother used to craft their bodies. And Dust is the one of the four that still resemblance who he used to be.
At elast Nightmare assumes that is why people think they see a resemblance. That or they are just racists and think all skeletons look alike.
the woman smiles "I am sure there is something fitting for him. Do you need any help?"
Killer's laugh turns cold as he smiles widely "No thanks! We got this!"
Dust rolls his eye lights and nudges him in the side "Stop it." he looks back to the lady "I was wodnering what the... organisation was. I wanted to look at stuff his size..." and he looks at the things he had been looking at with a glare.
The sheep monster looks a bit paler after Killer's interaction but smiles sweetly at Dust. "It is a bit of a mixmatch. Of all the stuff that is handmade it only has a few of each size. you will have to guestimate those. The imported clothes are by the walls, those have more standard sizing."
Dust nods "I see." and he starts walking towards the side first to check the sizing.
Killer grins as he leans close and whispers "Holding a babybones does wonders for making you look approachable"
Dust shoots him a glare and hisses "One word and I will put you in a wall myself." and he stomps over towards the clothes.
Nightmare still doens't understand why Killer thinks that kinda flirting is efficient but what does he know.
Dust is clearly unimpressed with the clothing offered with the more standard design and fabric. but they use it to figure out which size he is before moving towards the handmade stuff.
DUst and Nightmare check what is nice and soft as Killer shadows them. Staying nearby and pretty much glaring at anyone who as much as glances in their direction.
They end up settling for two big sweaters and some sweats. They wait by the cash register as Dust has picked him up again.
The nice woman smiles at them "That will be 140!" she smiles.
Killer winces at the price and Nightmare pushes closer to Dust "I don't need two." wool sweaters are expensive...
Dust shrugs as he looks at Killer "Be usefull and hold him for a moment." and Ngihtamre feels hismelf be handed over to Killer. Dust takes out some cash from his inventory and counts quickly before putting most of the stash he had on the counter "That should be enough." he stashes whatever is left.
The lady counts it and smiles as she puts it away. She packs it in a bag and holds it out to Dust "Thank you for shopping! And Can I just say it is lovely to see such a devoted father."
Dust shrugs and mutters a thanks before shooting Killer a warning look.
Killer grins as he nuzzles Nightmare "How are you this huggable tiny boss?"
Nightmare shrugs but holds unto Killer. Killer is also nice to be held by.
They leave the store together and walk back towards the parking lot. Something about meeting up again to go back to Crop's farm. Nightmare isn't really sure. He is already getting tired again adn he mumbles unhappily.
Killer purrs and coos "It is okay tiny boss. babybones need their sleep and rest after all."
Dust nods "Shopping is always busy." he shoots Killer a glare "Why is why i didn't want you to get him tired or overwhelmed."
Killer groans "Yeah yeah you were right. you are always right. can i go back to nuzzlign the baby now?"
Dust looks considerate before nodding "You may."
Killer grins and the nuzzles resume and Nightmare wants to pout and push him off but it is so nice and he can feel himself start to relax as he starts to purr again.
He likes it when his family holds him.
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#realageau#utmv#nightmare sans#deaged nightmare#dust sans#killer sans#What is this?! An actual lore reason why Nightmare is carried all the time and everywhere?!#aside from the fact everyone wants to hold and snuggle the baby#the baby also has a really bad and fragile spine and walking and putting weight on that is a bad idea. so they minimalise it unless it is i#a safe area where they can monitor it easily. like at home or the temp base they set up!#outside though is not safe so it is time to 'Hold Baby'#Nightmare is A-okay with it!#Nightmare is also aware all these four disasters kinda flirting and being interested in one another but doesn't get the big deal#Look this baby lived together with those four while nightmare was still an empath#There is no way he WOULDN'T know#Just something a bit sweet and nice to relax after the other drabbles :3#Also don't worry about them starting to physically resemble one another! After all! I am sure soul adopting a baby doens't have consequence#especially not if said baby is a god! :D
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random omegaverse thought:
There must be people who experience specific instinct things with indifference or boredom.
Procreative cycle coming up? "Crap, I've got plans this weekend...stupid skip weeks."
Caught an intriguing scent while walking? "But I need to get to work! Shut up brain."
Had a snap response to a distressed sound? "Who was it?! ...right, it's my day off, I can go back to sleep."
Somebody growled at them? "Kid, I'm not a rival, that's my sibling."
Super cozy cuddle session happening nearby? "I'm gonna pass tonight guys, no social battery left, maybe next time."
Group of friends heading out to flirt and check out other singles? "I'm coming with you but only to make sure you all get home safe."
Setting where fated mates or soul bonds or permanent marks are a thing? "Meh. I don't really want one or care if I ever get one."
People in the actual omegaverse would get as bored of their stuff, as we do of ours, you know? It could be interesting to see that kind of vibe in fics. Biological demands faced with all the excitement of paying bills or doing laundry or tying your shoes.
Even if that kind of energy might not drive a plot, it could be interesting to have as a contrast to the people who do have big feelings about them - good or bad.
There's the friends who can't wait til they have a pack of their own, and the one friend who isn't against it but couldn't care less. There's the group in the office who are all about scent compatibility tests and figuring out one's best match and what sprays most highlight it, and the coworker who has no intentions on putting that much effort in. There are parents who hover and protect their offspring by scenting them multiple times a day, and others who don't see what the fuss is as long as it's done in the morning.
...also: packs with introverts who show care by giving each other space. So often, closeness is depicted through physical touch and tactile affection, but comfortable silence is meaningful too. Knowing people are near, but not having to interact until you're ready. Sitting in the same room doing different things, knowing that all it takes is a "hey, look at this" to share what you're up to. People understanding and accepting each other's differing or fluctuating needs for how and when to recharge. Seeing somebody reaching out or sharing space, beyond what's their norm, as a signal of the fact that they care.
#omegaverse worldbuilding#a/b/o worldbuilding#a/b/o dynamics#kinda#not gonna tag sfw though it mostly is#heat/rut mention#twovvie chatters#hi its me im introverts#a version of me in omegaverse would love to live in a pack house#as long as i could have a space to myself#people nearby? good! people around all the time? uhhhh#even my family knows that after so many hours of fun family party#i'm gonna disappear to whatever room has the fewest people in it#or find a random corner and start reading#“oh! i didnt know you were here” yes that was the plan#also i just find the idea of someone#who couldnt care less about pairing up#to be funniest in a setting where that's a big deal#“too bad you havent found a mate yet” “no i already know who it is”#“congrats! when do we meet them?” “oh i didnt mean that i'm going to date them. i just know who it is.”#“but i thought you were single?” “yup.” “don't you want a mate?” “nah too annoying.”#cycle day? nice i get a free day off work#cycle day? ugh not this again#the duality of man (a/b/o edition)#granted i hc heats/ruts as heightened libido and greater fertility#because i dislike elements of heats/ruts that (imo) mess with people's ability to freely consent#if the only non-sexual options are pain or solitude and the species needs compaionship as much or more as regular humans#then not being able to or being unwilling to is like a punishment for those people#sure stress or other needs can short circuit it (irl) but theres plenty of reasons to not be interested that arent “you have a problem”#surely i'm not the only person who reacts to various body requests with “later i'm busy” right?
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hmmmmmmm
#drunk again a little bit#feeling good as hell#everything’s gonna be ok#appreciation post for judydoll’s tinted lip gloss in 02 ice strawberry something whatever#non sticky… non transferring.. very flattering not in an unnatural way#basically looks like i’ve just chugged an ice cold m150 or like ate a popsicle yk#if ur a pale bitch like me just get it it’s gooooood i feel like the shit rn it’s sexy asf best and only cosmetic product i own#i was gonna watch evangelion with my siblings earliwr#it’s my brother’s fave show and i’ve been meaning to start it for a while#naked rei kinda freaked out my sister though#what’s her deal#big puritan bout every damn thing#anyway big argument.#doubt she’ll be watching any more of the show which is a shame cuz#i’ve missed hanging out just the three of us. ye olden days of harry potter movies and minecraft are long gone#and nge do live up to the hype#on ep 5 or something so far#so far my thoughts:#rei is creepy as fuck and i don’t really like or dislike her#everybody is too hard on shinji; bros just a kid experiencing horrors beyond human comprehension#i wonder if i’d have what it takes to pilot an EVA#ik the pilots go thru hell but that’s kind of the dream innit#everybody feels like they’re saddled with some kind of crushing burden#everybody is in a way#u gotta be alive in the world and try to live a good life n shit#it’s such a horrible burden to live#but for it to actually matter in the grand scheme of things you know#pilot a cool mech save humanity#for ur struggle and pain to actually be worth something that’s what we all want#oh and the third episode(?) where shinji’s classmates/ former bullies end up in unit01’s cockpit
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want to cut my hair again like you wouldn't believe. What are the possible consequences of going bald
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#actually i dont mean bald i just mean all one guard length#but hhhhh maybe i'm in an awkard stage maybe not i just CANNOT live like this#middle part is frustrating because it's not perfect in the way it sits side part is frustrating because i look like a girl#i feel like i could go all in with the 4 and then sorta texture a bit with the 2 guard HOWEVER having used the 4 previously. i know#how short that is. it might not look good so i worry#the bright side is it would grow out a bit by the time of the parade but augh i hate this#i'm currently a tightly wound ball of rage sorry. i didn't eat much of anything 2day#tried to call the hospital to get help with the letter/consulation thing preceding top surgery and they were NOT OPEN so idk if they will#be open tomorrow or not. the passage of time has gotten very vague all of a sudden#iiiiiii do not think i am doing well. lol. idk why though! god forbid any of it have a reason#i almost wish i'd relapse just so i could like. eat food again#idk i don't think it would solve it but i feel in my heart it might make things easier#buuuut because relapse is Bad For Me i guess i have to avoid it. well i want to anyways.#one bad day would not a reset make but my previous day happened this year already so...#i dunno it's been so long that i feel like it's not valid or whatever cause it was at an age where i can say it was a 'phase'#.............. i dunno what to do with that information. anyways.#i mean so what if i went all in on it again anyways? i kinda miss it lol. it's not like i could do any serious harm??#(potential infections aside.)#i just want to be creative and i CANT because my stupid brain will NOT think of anything#and the majority of what i have concretely written of this was written... get this .... right when i was trying to stay clean at first#correlation does not equal causation ........ sighs#i feel like i'm fighting a losing battle because i WANT IT to be that bad again#i've never really regretted it & it's never really been because of anything#i just started because i was curious about why someone would do that. that's all#i dont think i've EVER had any of the mental distress i see people in when theyre in these spaces#in one journal entry i made this big deal about wanting to kill myself but *i didn't want to*. i never did.#like sorry old me but it is REALLY hard to believe i've ever been depressed depressed#i just want things to be better and they never are :/ this should be everything i wanted and its just ... not#i'm not really sure how to ....... oh tag limit ok hold on
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experiencing any level of joint pain for longer than a day or two has only reinforced my belief that ppl with chronic pain are actually the strongest motherfuckers on the goddamn planet
#marzi speaks#hi. my knees r still kinda fucked up. at some point a few days ago i hyperextended my elbows#so now those have been hurting#my traps r fucked bc i’ve been stressed and those are prone to holding tension in me#my knee pain made me walk wrong for a little bit so now i’m trying to fix that to alleviate the foot and ankle pain#oh yeah. my thumb is still tender for some reason despite the tendonitis having been healed as well#the only part of my body that hasn’t betrayed me as of yet is my spine and pelvis#i am so sick of moving and having it hurt#and like i can go about my day n shit. and have a good time#but it is always there and it is fucking annoyingggg#and ppl with chronic pain just live their whole lives like this.#and they don’t blow up and attack anyone who treats them shitty about it#and i am amazed#bc i talked to my dad abt maybe going to the doctor abt my knees to see what’s going on#bc i don’t remember injuring them at all and i don’t really feel too much improvement on a day to day#and he just gave me a stretch to do about it#now the stretch helps. but my knees still hurt. so like. what do u want from me#if i were to bring it up again he’d probably say it wasn’t a big deal. he’s seen me hobble around the house n how slow i’m moving rn#i normally run around my house. i have been walking at a pace that pisses me off bc i’m impatient#even just having like. worries that are probably exagerrated get dismissed like that has kinda made me wanna kill him a little bit#and this is something that i know is gonna heal and get better#ppl with chronic pain don’t Get That. and they are still dismissed constantly#how do you not like. murder everyone around you. the infinite patience. genuinely the strongest among us#i didn’t mean to complain in these tags as much as i did (my knees r actually doing pretty ok rn and my ankles are getting better)#but i suppose i am bitter
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I don’t often think I’m upset at not having a good relationship with my parents but sometimes it really fucking hits me that I don’t have a good mom I don’t have a dad I’ll never experience having a good parent and someone I can lean on like that and I get… really upset
#I have this coworker who is about my mom’s age#I love her and she’s a wonderful person and she’s such a good parent to her kids#her autistic queer kids and she fights for them and defends them all the time#she values their interests and does things they love with them and supports their choices and jusy#ugh#today she gave me a hug because ‘it’s really seemed like I wasn’t doing okay’#and ‘I’ve been dealing with a lot of hard things and big life changes which she knows is really hard’#and I kinda teared up#my own parents don’t even know about everything that has happened with my roommate or the friends I’ve lost this year#I don’t tell them. and I could but it wouldn’t matter#my mother wouldn’t care. she definitely wouldn’t sympathize or give me a hug over it#she wouldn’t comfort me#my dad my try but he lives thousands of miles away#and I love my dad but I didn’t get to know him until I was 17#I don’t think he’s really like… a dad you know?#he’s more like some weird friend or MAYBE an uncle than anything#which is fine! I think it’s really the best we can do and like I said I do love him and I know he loves me#but it’s still… different than a parent you know?#and sometimes I just ache knowing I don’t get parents…#I don’t get that relationship that so many ppl have that’s so important to them#and it just doesn’t feel fair and makes me feel really sad#I’m glad I’m as independent as I am but even that doesn’t feel fair#I’ve lived on my own since I was 17…. I never should have had to do that anyways….#and I just feel sad because I got a hug from my coworker that made me want to sob#because it’s like damn… is this a teeny tiny taste of what having an actual good mom is like?#I missed out on so much….#kaz rambles
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im being so serious besties i am not cut out for academia
#like yes i know ive had a very uniquely shit experience in doing a degree i actively not only hate but also am BAD AT#but also i just. cannot hack it#'but hella you go mental and pessimistic every single exam period' i know that but. im right also#like the other day i said to my mum how much ive just been enjoying my job recently#and how huge a deal that is bc i HATE my hometown and ive never ever considered my time here as possibly being good#and my 20s will hopefully be a lot of travelling but in between that to save easier im gonna live at home#so i dont have to worry about rent so alas that means when im saving up for my next trip I WILL BE IN MY HOMETOWN#and as excited as i am for my twenties that is one huge downside to me but i was really cheerfully saying to my mum#that literally for the first time ever ive considered it might not be too bad bc lately i have just enjoyed my job#like i enjoy the people and the work and the lifestyle of it and while it's never gonna be ideal as a means to an end it's actually good#and instead of focussing on that she went OFF on one about how she wants me to stay in education and keep getting qualifications#and she was like 'you could do an english degree you've always wanted to do english or how about open university-'#and i was just sat there blinking at her like girl.... no#like i could FEEL myself shutting down like the terror of having to return to this environment when ive got my sight so set#on that 'one more year and im done one more year and im done' mindset like that has been the only thing getting my through#is that im halfway through the course now so im closer to the other end than i am the beginning and if i can just push through#ill be free from it for the rest of my life. so the thought of immediately returning to academia even for a subject i adore? i felt ILL#and my mum apologised the next day without me even having to say anything bc she realised she kinda bulldozed me there#but i just know whether it's the adhd or ive actually been traumatised by this econ degree#(<- and im being serious there like ik 'traumatised' is a big loaded word but idk what else to use#and this degree has done so so much damage to me like it has convinced me that i am fundamentally a stupid person#to the point i refuse to add up bills when with friends or do answer any sort of intellectual question even if i KNOW i know the answer#bc ive just gone so so long of being bad at the only subject im studying like just SURROUNDED by it and being bad at it relentlessly#and i dont think people realise how damaging it is to very simply just... feel stupid all the time. but oh my god i used to be so confident#and bright and now i wont even do basic addition in front of people)#i really truly dont think i can do this again in any capacity. like the constant exams and studying and assignments#i just cant do it. maybe i just need a year or two away from it after this degree but my goddddd rn i cant see it#yes it's exam time for me can u tell. it always makes me existential and on the verge of vomiting at any given moment#i hate it here i hate it here i hate it here i dont care about iterated deletion of strictly dominated strategies shut the fuck up#hella goes to uni
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i still can't get over my roommate implying i was autistic and my friend pulling out her phone to show me the "i'm like if a beautiful woman was an autistic little boy" meme that she'd been saving for the occasion someone acknowledged it
#HELLO#guys i try so hard to be normal how the fuck are people noticing#ALSO WHY ARE THEY ACKNOWLEDGING IT#my other friend who is actually diagnosed with autism is also such a little bitch about this#if i flinch at noises or say something a lil too blunt he pulls me aside and goes 'are u having a tism moment' cause he's terminally online#just the audacity of people to point out that ur being weird when ur being weird. HELLO RUDE#my roommate and i had a long convo about this because she's Implied this multiple times#and the first time she said it in front of people. after we went home i was like 'do u really think im autistic'#and she went 'well you know i think it's a spectrum and you're def on it but also i know lots of autistic people who have happy lives!'#and girl what the FUCK. why are u so comfortable talking to me like that#i just got very very agitated because someone's phone was ringing for a whole fucking min and they were just ignoring it. what's WRONG WITH#HER. and im allowed to have sensory issues without it being autism ok shut the fuck up#anyways. i truly don't know how im supposed to react if someone says something like this. because a. im not diagnosed#b. people are far too comfortable armchair diagnosing me. like im not Trying to be different from what's socially acceptable leave me alone#c. but i also don't want to make a big deal about it because they're just jokign around but also the joke is that im constantly weird#can someone tell me how im supposed to react to this#honestly im kinda scared to post this on the autism website.#please don't be too mean to me
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MY HUSBAND IS HOME
#jingliu#hsr#I have some almost finished art just waiting to post it but other than that I've been in a rut#at least in terms of digital art. I've been pretty depressed (screw you seasonal depression)#so it's hard to draw anything digitally ugh -v-#also tw*tter is terrible. even though I only drop there to look at art some things just peev me to no end#like I do not want to see straight people shoving two characters together when they had absolutely no interest in ANY#queer interpretation of them until there was a straight ship and UGH#I know it's not a big deal but I just kinda want to live in my little sapphic and lumiharem bubble to escape from life ya know -v-#anyways this made me jump out of my chair jingliu JUMPSCARE#I ALSO GOT HER WEAPON. but I'm running so low on mora or whatever it is called to be able to feed her her mats TvT#maybe I'll post paper doodles I've drawn lately.. they are most just busts though www
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I relate to shane madej because i too wish i could take a pill containing all the nutrients for a day instead of having to plan what the hell i should eat every single day of my silly little life
#me: i will stop thinking about food#food: *needs to be consumed preferably every day in order to live*#well fuck#sorry#tw eating issues#(NO I'M NOT FINISHED BEING ANNOYING ABOUT THIS)#like. it's all good when I'm home and just can eat whatever#but here i always know how many calories are in anything i buy because i can't cook so i have to stick to ready to eat stuff#and then i have to make sure it is enough but then i will automatically think about the Numbers™️ and my brain goes insane#this is just unfair#oh whatever#it's really not that deep#just don't think about it#why do i keep making this a problem#it isn't#it literally is just food and there is no need to think about it at all#just buy the same shit every day (or don't and buy whatever else you want) and you'll be fine#(also i remember during my last exchange semester i had a similar problem. i also kinda fell back into old thought patterns and behaviors#because i had to plan my meals because i couldn't cook or anything so yeah. should have seen this coming tbh#not a big deal either way. it'll be fine)#void screams#(it's past 1 am and this is what i think about. great job not thinking about it)
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just checked the word doc which has my draft of the shrewsbury wound-john bradmore sequence, thinking it was around 10k long. it's actually 19,242 words long. double what i thought it was. holy crap.
#text posts#the henry v novels#literally just goes from hal waking up immediately post-shrewsbury to hal waking up immediately post-operation#and the start of a timeskip to his 17th birthday#(i kinda want to revise it to put in stuff from what i learnt about facial injuries in wwi caused by shrapnel and add in two more joans)#(joan of navarre and joan waryn hal's nurse - joan fitzalan is already there)#reread it recently and thought about how the alternate povs of it would be SO UPSETTING#hal's pov is somewhat kind to the reader because he's pretty out of it#he's either out of it with rudimentary medieval painkillers and anaesthesia or off his face with pain.#there's still emotional shit there but it's filtered through the physical pain and the 'drugs'#everyone else is dealing with the emotional shitshow of seeing someone you love in absolute fucking agony begging to die#while fearing he's going to die and having their own traumas#(i.e. joan fitzalan watching the grandchild that most resembles her dead daughter almost die)#(i.e. edward/aumerle has a brief appearance and you know he's Fucked Up because of losing richard ii and now he's losing hal)#(i.e. richard courtenay is basically 'i will stay here and love him as he dies if he dies' and witnesses every. fucking. thing.)#(i.e. joanne waryn is there and remembering him as a little baby she helped raise.)#(i.e. humphrey is Just A Kid trying to be strong for his big brother and making everything worse for bradmore)#(i.e. scrope can't cope and has to live with the guilt of that and oldcastle is overwrought and causing problems)#(i.e. bradmore is like 'i can see you're in desperate need of a dad. hello desperate need i'm dad.#also. i think your grandma might kill me if you die. so. don't ok?)#(i.e. joan of navarre is meeting her new husband's son for the first time and hoping he doesn't die.)#and hal's just. largely oblivious to all this.
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the wanting to write eyrie’s terrible no good very bad grief over redacted v who in the scions would actually listen to them talk about that
#i dunno! i dunno I am still puzzling it out like a rubic cube#*rubix cube#the twins deal with enough they don’t need to play therapist to eyrie#you know….you know I think krile might get it#but Also hmmmmmm considering stormblood there’s a solid HA no case there#see estinien…..I can kinda see him#FUCK the man really is just. right there huh#he listens and it’s like ohhh eyrie has Big Problems#it’s beyond what’s there at the surface. it’s the straw that breaks it all yeah#it’s eyrie’s kinship with Zenos—both outsiders. both feared and respected#to be alone without the twisted understanding it’s…lonely. isolating#part of eyrie knows they are still a person but deep down thordan HAUNTS them#what have they become? what did Hydaelyn turn them into?#eyrie still thought of Zenos as someone who could not be suffered to live. there is no doubt in their brain#that he needed to die. he still wanted to die#and there’s parts of that estinien can understand#the obsession with nidhogg and vengeance. the singularity of purpose and driving force that made the two of them more alike#than they were different#maybe an odd sense of grief and relief at the death of nidhogg—a death of part of himself#it’s releasing the hold that part had upon him#it’s letting go#eyrie’s is more a part that has been ripped out—something removed. not let go#cutting off a growth v. removing an organ#eyrie’s is as a gaping wound#endwalker spoilers#oc: eyrie kisne#SORRY if this makes no sense I Am Blabbering
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more zoloft please
#personal#suicide and sh tw probably...#commenting on my posts all he wants but not just manning up and dming me or something... ok#honestly its whatever. besides when ive made these posts ive barely thought about him#if he wants anything to happen he can dm me instead of just waiting for me to do something#things have gotten. better and worse at the same time?#i relapsed like A Lot this week#but im making new friends and things are kinda just looking generally brighter#dont know if that says anything about me not talking to Him anymore.. but im happier#but like if im happier whats with the scars on my shoulders?#i feel a lot different now?#i guess im actually living. but its weird because a lot of the time i still want to die So Bad#so like whats this weird mix of All The Emotions#honestly one of my friends said he isnt picking sides and it kinda makes me feel like shit#because if you arent with me then youre against me. you know...#idk that part is kinda petty and Not a big deal#guess theres just a lot happenijg right mow and i dont know how to deal with it#i think things are generally better but im still in a space of. the world is good but i want to die#idk... good luck charlie#💭
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urrbghhhh idk what to do here
#ik i said id take a break and be sober today but#:( dont wanna#idk i was sober most of yesterday.#but i was just so stressed out i got in an argument in the car w my mom and i was so sure we were gonna die lol i was like begging her#to stop :P#and all i want is a smoke now#its really not a big deal but im also extremely ashamed and not proud of myself for not being able to follow through on a goal yk?#my options realistically are. get stoned and shower and sleep but live with the guilt#or fight it but probably not sleep tonight and mess up my schedule again.#i hate being aware i Kinda have a dependence and i should be able to just say no not tonight but i also know myself well enough to know#ill be stressed and think about it and not sleep all night#and it feels like. since im aware of this i should be able to stop it right?#hate this stupid life
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