#I know I'm young but I've been trying to figure myself out my whole life

[thatwitchrevan]

I don't necessarily want to Look like a man but sometimes I want to Feel more like a man and what if that means changing? I don't even know what I want so how am I supposed to get it. Where's my character creator where is being able to try things out I need a dressing room for my body and my voice.

[astra-ravana]

Liber Paimon

Note: This is a work in progress, but something I've been wanting to do for some time. Hopefully this gives you an idea what I'm going for and serves to preface the book as a whole. Once I am finished I plan to self publish it as an ebook. Any suggestions for this as well as feedback on the two chapters is really appreciated. Happy reading! 🖤

The Dream (Intro)

  I'm having the dream again. I am a child of another time, navigating large, gridded paths between square pools. Fish swim around below me as I run and hop to the end of one path and into an open patio positioned above a waterfall. Looking out, I see gardens with every form of plant life imaginable, but I barely pay them any mind. I approach a young boy sitting on a stone bench. The bench is the same shimmering grey-blue as the walls of this place. Cobalt, I recognize. I sit beside the boy and greet him, proudly presenting a stack of cards I had been given, some sort of divinatory oracle. The boy looks worried as he asks me about some sort of initiation I was to take part in.

   Then the setting changes and I'm being lead down a dark hallway towards a big, red door. My escorts are four masked women in what appears to be ancient Greek styled clothing and faces obscured by ornate masks. There are golden lion statues outside of the door. I know that these lions were a gift for the King and I was about to enter that room and life as I knew it wouldn't be the same ever again. I thought it was what I wanted but as someone positions a mask over my face I am suddenly filled with dread. I was being chosen, it was an honor, I had a gift, and people needed me. I knew all of this. But then I began to resist the hands leading me. Tears streamed down my face.

   Then from behind the red door we hear a building chaos. Yelling and panic, something shatters. One of my escorts opens the red doors and slips quickly between them, I try to see inside and catch a glimpse of fire as well as circles and symbols convering the floor and walls. Then theres a brief silence before I hear someone yell, "He has released them!"  The women leading me begin to fall away. The doors open and people are running past me, screaming, crying. Something big is happening. For a time I'm just frozen there, staring into the room. An old man meets my eyes and something in his gaze awakens me from my shocked state.

   Then I am in the desert sand, the stars above me, a chill setting into my bones, as I run, stumbling, towards the lights of a distant town. I didn't know if anyone was following me, I didn't care. I didn't think of how my shoes and robes would slow me down, or how cold it was. I just ran. Ran until I couldn't anymore, until I collapsed in a sobbing, shivering heap.

   Then he was there. Pulling me onto the back of a camel. Warmth, safety, acceptance, I felt these things. I knew he wasn't a normal man, more like an amalgamation of man and beast and god, a black flame in the pitch of night. "I'm running too, " he spoke, with a whispering melody, "Let's run together." I nod against him feeling power well within me. As we ride on, I feel myself changing, becoming one with his vibration and then it all fades away...

   The dream started when I was about nine years old and sure enough, every few nights, as I slept, I lived it again and again. I saw his face, his long black hair, heard his voice echoing in my mind. But who was this mysterious figure? What were these dreams trying to tell me? I wondered this for a long time. I wouldn't get my answers until the Winter of 2017.

   I had been scrolling some witchcraft centered Facebook groups when I came across a post asking about people's past life dreams and memories. I took the opportunity to tell my story, simply wanting to add something to the discussion. I forgot about it, until people began replying to my comment.

   "This sounds like the cobalt temple of King Solomon." My brain reeled at what I identified as a Bible reference. I was a dedicated atheist and detested the Christian religion. But someone quickly corrected me. This wasn't the wise, old King Solomon skimmed over in the King James Bible. Furthermore, my dream savior on camel back was likely not a man at all, but a demon. A powerful king of Hell, subject only to Lucifer himself, and his name was Paimon. As I clicked through links and articles of varying descriptions and depictions it became clearer. This was who I saw in my dream. But, why was I having these dreams? Could this possibly be real? What would this demon want with me?

   Honestly, I sat with the knowledge for some time, unsure of what to do with it. Then, I began communing with the spirit world as part of my practice. I began using my dreams as a vehicle for spiritual contact. I worked with the Fae, the dead, and became captivated by Djinn and other non-human spirits. Around this time I purchased several books, one of which was The Goetia of Solomon the King. I read Paimon's page over and over, stared at his sigil until my eyes watered. I began extensive research into demons, their origin, and true nature as well as methods for summoning and invoking them. And then one cool Spring night, I was ready.

   I wrote a plea to Paimon to enter my life and bring my answers and folded it a couple times, drawing his sigil on the outside, and then pricking my finger, letting blood dribble over it. I sat nervously on my front porch with a lit orange candle, the night was still, silent, dark. "Linan Tasa Jedan Paimon," I spoke to the air around me, it came out like a hoarse whisper. Undeterred, I held the petition over the flame and held it while it lit up, kissing the tips of my fingers with flame and making me wince. As the last scraps of paper burnt up a strange, familiar feeling cascaded over me.

   I suddenly felt very warm, dizzy, restless, ethereal, connected to something ancient and powerful. The sky let out a deep, atmospheric hum, like the blowing of a horn, the wind picked up and whipped around me, I could eventually hear bells and chiming tones, music rolling through my sleepy town. Then came a voice, rolling through my mind like a slow-moving storm front. "Finally, you are finished running. "

Who is Paimon?

“The Ninth Spirit in this Order is Paimon, a Great King, and very obedient unto LUCIFER. He appeareth in the form of a Man sitting upon a Dromedary with a Crown most glorious upon his head. There goeth before him also an Host of Spirits, like Men with Trumpets and well sounding Cymbals, and all other sorts of Musical Instruments. He hath a great Voice, and roareth at his first coming, and his speech is such that the Magician cannot well understand unless he can compel him. This Spirit can teach all Arts and Sciences, and other secret things. He can discover unto thee what the Earth is, and what holdeth it up in the Waters; and what Mind is, and where it is; or any other thing thou mayest desire to know. He giveth Dignity, and confirmeth the same. He bindeth or maketh any man subject unto the Magician if he so desire it. He giveth good Familiars, and such as can teach all Arts. He is to be observed towards the West. He is of the Order of Dominations [Dominions]. He hath under him 200 Legions of Spirits, and part of them are of the Order of Angels, and the other part of Potentates. Now if thou callest this Spirit Paimon alone, thou must make him some offering; and there will attend him two Kings called LABAL and ABALI , and also other Spirits who be of the Order of Potentates in his Host, and 25 Legions. And those Spirits which be subject unto them are not always with them unless the Magician do compel them. His Character is this which must be worn as a Lamen before thee, etc.”

- Original text from The Goetia

“Paimon is an angel-daimon of Lucifer, whom appears as a man crowned upon a camel. This spirit is a familiar of musick, thus by invoking Paimon one may work through an avenue of self-initiation through creating musick. Paimon is a powerful Angelick King of the Witchcraft, whom has 200 Legions of spirits – half are the Orders of Angels, the others being Potentates. Paimon appears with two Spirit/Djinn – Label and Ablim who are referred to as Kings. Paimon is perhaps one of the most significant Angelick Rulers, which along with Astaroth (whom is more bestial/demonic in nature and appearance) opens the way to the “Grail” of Lucifer’s crown – the perception of “I” and the mind separate from the universe. Paimon is a higher spirit of self-initiation, who is a path maker for ones own becoming. Paimon sometimes appears as an angelick spirit with a flaming sword. His office is Guardian of the Path through Leviathan, the Guardian of the Depths and Subconscious.”

- From The Luciferian Goetia by Michael Ford

“He teaches all arts and sciences and occult.  He can be invoked to bind others.  To be observed toward the west with offerings. Seek Paimon to understand Alchemy. Seek Paimon for creative pursuits or to design a plan of action. Paimon can also help in emotional understanding.”

-From the Demonolatry Goetia by S. Connolly

- The sigil of King Paimon

  The lore and cultural footprint of King Paimon is rather significant, especially compared to other Goetic spirits. First, and perhaps most notably, are his number of legions of followers, which is 200, more than any other listed demon. Far more in fact, as Beleth has the next highest number of legions, which is 85. This is likely the reason why Paimon is named the "Lord of Familiars", amongst other designations. Often described as having long, flowing pblack hair, an effeminate face, wearing robes with a brilliant crown upon his head. He possesses a unique connection with the spiritual realm and its inhabitants in that he can create an open channel of communication and can connect you to spirits who resonate at a similar frequency to you.

   In this aspect he very much carries the mantle of a grand mediator between you and the spirit world, easily finding you the right spirit for your need. Paimon can warn one of, and protect them from, malevolent spirits. He also eases connections with spirits who would be otherwise considered difficult to work with. He clears away the clouds of miscommunication for you to truly connect with spirits on their level, which is a truly priceless resource to a practitioner.

   Paimon is also a spirit of creativity and the arts. He celebrates both creators and the fruits of their labor. He is very in tune with the sounds, vibrations, and frequencies of the Universe and has a deep love for music. He is said to have influenced artist and musician alike, infusing his powerful energy into their creations. When Paimon arrives the world truly comes alive with light, color, and sound.

   Although he is capable of displays of power and physical manifestation, Paimon prefers subtle and considerate forms, talking within the conscious minds of his contacts. He is a spirit of  communication as well and has ways of connecting with almost anyone. Paimon carries an air of diplomacy and universal recognition. Wherever he goes, his voice shall be heard.

   Witchcraft is another area where Paimon's presence is highly fortuitous. Paimon is a higher spirit who has lived many lives, both physical and spiritual, and has been an avid practitioner of both high and low magick. He carries vast knowledge regarding herbalism, spell crafting, symbology, divination, spirit work, dream manipulation, and astral travel. If there is a witchcraft related matter, he most certainly has some knowledge related to it. He guides his adepts to research deeper and apply themselves in their craft. With his tutelage your practice can be significantly amplified.

   Finally, Paimon embodies natural, perfect chaos, the order of disorder, thinking freely, and being authentic and true to your path. While he can cause the ruin of the tower, he more greatly values the process of rebuilding it better than it was. In this same way, he rebuilds the witch, making them stronger and much more true to themselves in the process.

Temperament

   All things considered, Paimon is a rather easy going spirit. He enjoys sweets like cakes, honey, and especially chocolate. He loves animals and has a soft spot for children. He has a deep respect for nature, the stars, and the elements, and understands the intricate connections between these and the spirits that exist around, and within, us. He has a quick wit, brilliant sense of humor, and likes to gossip. Even though he leads 200 legions, he believes in equality amongst all spirits and always hears what others have to say. He's a fantastic listener as well as a smooth talker. As an individual he is charming and fascinating, comforting and strong, scientific and artistic, light-hearted but serious when the situation calls for it. Everything you might want in a friend. Especially a spirit friend who can help guide you through the unknown with enthusiasm.

   On the reverse side of things, Paimon is capable of being a very intimidating force. If he, or his adepts are wronged he can become fixated on vengeance. Don't mistreat your access to the spirit world and try to keep your dealings fair. In other words, the spirits want to help and they deserve fair reciprocation and respect. On Paimon's path we don't trap or bind spirits or force them to be subject unto us in any form. That means no Solomonic or Abrahamic magick. While studying these is encouraged, practice should be very limited. Instead we will focus on invocation, sigil work, and forming creative beacons for spirit to flow through.

   Paimon can also call vast amounts of spirits to his aid, making him an even more imposing emissary of the Qliphothic plain. Powerful spirits like Azazel, Asmodeus, Lucifer, and Leviathan have such a deep respect for this camel-riding King that he is considered by some to be an honorary Dark Lord of Hell. He knows secrets that no one else knows, has answers to questions no one has thought to ever ask, and has alliances in all corners of all plains of existence... And provided you're in his good graces, you would never suspect this. To Paimon, titles and hierchies are useless constructs, degrading the value and contributions of the individual. This humble spirit remains a wandering soul who values communication between beings, serendipity, the mind, and the soul's journey above all else.

Correspondences

Enn: "Linan Tasa Jedan Paimon"

Rank: King

Other names (titles): King of Music, Lord of Familiars, Master of Infernal Ceremonies, the Pale King, Guardian of the Path to Leviathan

Colors: Yellow, orange, black, purple, dark blue indigo

Herbs: Bindweed, saffron, sunflower, violets, yarrow, mullien, rose, frankincense, myyrh, wood betony, dandelion, sandalwood, patchouli, turmeric, thyme

Crystals: Gold aura hematite, labradorite, moldavite, rutilated quartz, pietersite, lapis lazuli, citrine, larvakite, ruby kyanite, bumblebee jasper, fluorite, marcosite, tourmaline

Element: Air/Water

Planet: Sun/Mercury

Zodiac: Gemini

Metal: Gold, meteorite

Tarot: The Magician, The Hermit, 6 of Pentacles, 10 of Swords

Direction: West

Dates: June 11th - 20th, April 30th - May 1st

Day: Sunday

Animal: Dramaderie camel

Domains: All arts and sciences, familiars, spirit work of any kind, music, alchemy, emotions, mental pursuits/finding knowledge, truth, the unknown, the occult, mysteries of life, manifestation, communication, enlightenment, mental, spiritual, and emotional growth, dream work, divination, astrology, baneful magick, herbalism, nature, sigil work, psychic abilities, scrying, shadow work, balance

Offerings: Sweets like cake, cookies and chocolate, honey, coffee, tea, soda, wine, canabis, tobacco, herbs, incense, music, works of art, conversation (tell him your secrets)

[fairydares]

loook i get why the idea of riding the "anti/pro" fandom disk horse makes people gag a little in their mouth and try to opt out entirely, but here's why i went from feeling exactly the same way to taking a firm profiction stance. I've been meaning to make this post for a while.

~10 years ago, I posted a fic for the first time and it got its own harassment campaign. The fic wasn't even sexual, and wasn't going to be (it remains incomplete). It was accurately rated T on fanfiction.net. Anyone in the Fairy Tail fandom will understand this: I literally got harassed for writing a "Lucy leaves the guild" fic💀.

After many nice comments, someone left a pretty nasty one. Hurt, I messaged them back. They acted super attacked that I'd responded (lmao) and after we argued, threatened to "rip my shitty story apart in the comments section" if I responded again. I told them "go ahead lol."

They went ahead.

Now know that it was a relatively small harassment campaign, but at the time, it was devastating. Right around then, I wound up in the hospital. After I got out, I went to excitedly check my fic, and found several reviews saying things I wouldn't repeat to my worst enemy. I was suicide-baited more than once, told "thank fuck you finally abandoned this shitty story, dumb cunt," stuff like that.

There were several accounts involved, and I can't say for sure, but I suspect at least a couple different people were involved, though probably at least half of it was one person.

All the other comments were screeching about how I hadn't updated, mostly. "NO UPDAAATEE WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS TO MEEEE??!!!" was one that stood out after I'd been miserable in a hospital for an extended period of time.

Idk what people think is going on when FT fic authors write this trope, and frankly I don't give a fuck. Because while I was partly writing the story out of some young, cringe feminist rage, I also did genuinely have a real story I was compelled to tell. I was inspired by another, popular fic I loved which used the trope to talk about how trying to shoulder our burdens alone really just hurts both ourselves and everyone who cares about us.

My own story was ultimately going to have similar themes, with more focus on strength, what it means, and in what contexts earning and having it actually matters. In retrospect, no wonder I wound up in hot water, because at the time "Lucy vs. Strength vs. Misogyny" was the FT fandom's Designated Nonsensically Activist Debate™. But that's partly why i wanted to write about it; engaging with the fandom had gotten me thinking about it 🤷‍♂️

Not too long after that, FFNet oh-so-benevolently granted us the ability to delete comments from our own stories (they never took my reports seriously at all, afaik). I deleted all or most of the harassers' comments (may still be a one or two up, and i'm fairly sure there's a couple comments defending my fic from the harassment) without saving screenshots, which I really regret now. I was just so mortified and full of self-loathing about the whole thing that i wanted to forget it completely. Something that had brought me joy at a very lonely, vulnerable period of my life had turned so negative, and i couldn't even tell the people closest to me about it without being made fun of for writing anime fan fiction.

I didn't understand why this happened at the time, but--after a period of trying to forget/bid out of it all with a slight anti lean (a common approach I see people use, and one which I'm not proud of adopting)--I just had to figure out What the Fuck Even Happened There. And I'm telling you, after years of reflecting, wrestling with both sides, and educating myself, that this "status quo of harassment" culture which pervades fandom goes way deeper than you think and comes out of a way darker well than you probably realize. An astonishing amount of this is, quite literally, TERF shit and evangelical shit.

Trying to be in fandom and take a stance of, "Anti/Pro shit? Ew, I'm Not Touching that," is like swimming in a heavily polluted river and being like, "Poison? Cringe. Not me lol."

You might be lucky enough to be in a less-polluted part of the river (AKA a relatively non-toxic fandom, in which case good for you!)...but tbh this rhetoric and peer-signalling will still seep in.

I can't stress enough that pro-fiction, AKA "proship", is the normal, leftist-about-art-and-sex opinion. Pro-ship is against all the horrible things you're against; in fact, pro-ship isn't trivializing real trauma by equating it with fictional trauma, or trying to apply literal evangelical/radfem solutions--which are proven not to prevent or help. Profiction/proship is literally just saying, "Fiction is fiction, reality is reality, and the two don't have a 1:1 relationship. And historically, trying to censor just things we've decided are bad has done nothing but get LGBTQ+ and POCs censored. Therefore, depictions of illegal things shouldn't be censored." That's it. "Proshippers all ship problematic ships," is a brazen lie. Many of them share other fans' disgust for those ships, they just don't believe in censoring fic authors over it.

It is also taking a stand against harassment because--and I hope my own story has helped drive this home--as with all groups who adopt ingroup/outgroup thinking, antis are defined by their tactics, not actual stances on real, serious issues. What happened to me was absolutely a result of anti, "it's okay to 'bully out' anything I just don't like" mindset pervading fandom. In a way, this was the mindset's final form. They didn't even feel the need to cite a reason the trope was "bad" or "wrong"; it annoyed them, and they viewed their own feelings as a valid enough pathway for policing to go right ahead and do so.

In the interest of offering solutions instead of just bitching about problems, I might make a "how to know if you've bought into these types of views"-type post sometime. Also might come back to this and provide some sources/citation.

[shyve3]

Deacon Anaylsis

Once again, I'm joining the fandom in yet another post about character analysis! Idk how I feel about posting my fanart at the moment because it's all traditional art, but i'll get to posting that too...someday.

Please bear with me if you're a major Deacon simp like I am or just someone who likes reading character analyses, because it's so much longer than I expected. I have never written so much in my life, holy shit. (EDIT: I probably have. But this is 3000 words. so it's a lot!)

Also: everything I say in this post is just my interpretation of his character. I've littered a few headcanons here and there. And while some of this may sound harsh, I swear I'm not trying to demean him in any way. I love him because I relate to him, so half of this is me calling out my behavior as well, just indirectly :3

Let's start at the beginning.

We see Deacon as Chase's cousin, who's frankly an annoying, nerdy older brother figure in Chase's eyes. He's always *cough* studying *cough* and most definitely not reading hopeless-romantic-fairytale-books-where-there's-a-random-hero-saving-the-damsel-in-distress. I remember when I first saw him, I thought he was the most pathetic dude ever. In a good way of course. But, eventually my opinion of him built up to be a lot more complex.

We see a glimpse of his ACTUAL character in Chapter 10, when he first goes with Chase and Grandpa Ralph to meet Aunt Myra. His mom, Beth, is seen to be pretty strict towards Deacon. She immediately points out the fact that his shirt isn't tucked in and Deacon's dad immediately goes to ask Chase if he has a job before even saying HI! (Can we get a hi, hello, how are you doing???)

His parents are on the stricter side, and we can see how it affects him in many ways:

Deacon is always dressed in super "nerdy" clothes: button ups, slacks(?) if that's what you call them, plain sweaters. He doesn't really get to express himself to them, and his mom most probably still buys his clothes. (He's literally 20! A young adult!) Ouch.

He's scared to stand up to them for the right reasons. Even though his parents are kinda harsh on everyone Deacon doesn't really retaliate back. That type of strictness towards kids can make them a so-called loser who's extremely awkward and can't stand up for himself. It's evident with how Deacon reacts towards his parents, immediately getting shot down the second he tries to say anything.

Deacon working to be a doctor. Even though it's not what he wants, he goes along with their wishes. After all, people would kill to have as much money as his family. He is humble and grateful, which I think is so important in helper archetypes. He understands their reasoning, that they just want him to be successful, even if it goes against what he wants emotionally: freedom.

Even though Deacon HATES the fact that he's the helper, because it's what he's been doing his whole life, he is still on the journey to learn that being the helper isn't always the bad thing.

Helping others doesn't mean you can't be the hero: Deacon has this secret fantasy of being the hero and proving himself to people: it's why he always consumes media related to "saving" someone (like Ship of Sorrows or any other of his romance novels he reads.)

It kinda also ties into why he's such a hopeless romantic. While it seems funny how he's always dreaming of women and saving them and what-not, it reveals a big truth about his character:

He's pretty f'ing lonely. Most people who look for romantic partners in literally anyone (like Deacon idolizing every single GIRL he meets), are usually lonely. He just wants the comfort in knowing, "yay, I finally proved myself to someone!"

I truly believe that he's asexual or somewhere along the aro/ace spectrum for this reason. His "crushes" on women are truly because of his hero complex, idolizing saving them rather than real love. It's silly, but real. I think he's just experiencing a horrible case of limerence with any woman he meets. (That, and I NEVER see him crushing on real life women. We also don't get a chance to see him with women in real life, but ya know. Anyways, this is just a HC.)

When he first started going into books with Chase, he was extremely excited to be a part of something. His fantasy to prove himself the hero became true: for two seconds.

He feels like his role was a "lame sidekick." Bronze was kinda salty to Deacon's closed off attitude, leading to a little miscommunication between them. (As Punko confirmed, in Toffee Break he purposely sent Deacon into a story with an outfit that didn't include underwear. He must've been reallll salty!) Deacon constantly dodges his role, and he's not ready to be a helper, both in real life and in books.

Deacon's self-worth kinda gets worse when they first go into Toffee Break, getting into the way of his story-going adventures. I love how narratonin is such a journey that really relies on emotional intelligence. It's also the reason he struggles to make it through Toffee Break.

He hates when people point out how his help isn't enough and isn't working, even when it's the smallest indication or a tiny jab. Deacon and Chase start arguing about how Deacon's help wasn't "enough", and it digs at him worse than Chase expected. He's extremely sensitive.

"Toffee Break" stressed him out immensely because of the fact that he learned that he didn't actually know how to help out in the story. He struggled with the fact that this story was extremely counter-intuitive.

Usually, his help consisted of careful strategic planning, like what to say around his parents, making sure they are satisified with whatever he does or says, and also hiding the fact that he's not actually interested in the career path his parents chose for him...

Now, his help consists of adhering to the story and what the heroine does. He has to follow behind her (Chase, in this case), and whatever random path she goes down, something that he's never done.

Buddy makes a second dig at him after his squabble with Chase, saying "Guess no one needed your help", to which he says, "Yeah. Guess you're right." and leaves immediately after. While I love them as a duo, their indifference to each others' characters is what makes them so hard to get along with each other.

I talked about in my Buddy analysis how Buddy takes pride in his role as a villainess, something that probably took him months or even years of discipline. Even though he's closed-minded to "changing the story" like Deacon, what sets them apart is his passion for his archetype in stories. In the beginning, Deacon is inexperienced in embracing his role as a helper and it’s what holds him back. That combined with his lack of knowledge of deviating from the story (much like what Buddy suffered with) was double damage. It's one thing to not be able to deviate from the story, but you can make up for it with your passion to a role despite being "confined" to your role. That's something Deacon needs to learn to have.

After leaving the story, he confides in Bronze with how he's always had everything laid out for him by his parents (proving my point to what I said earlier: That type of parenting changes a kid forever. And he's stuck with a closed-off mindset.) After he comes back into the story, he's feeling a little better about his role, and he's able to realize that sometimes, the best thing to do in life is to wing it. After all, you don't get schooling on how to be the helper, sorry Deacon. While he felt like his life and attitude towards helping others was "laid out", he subconsciously learned how to help others in the way they wanted him to.

After this arc, Chase and Deacon bond a lot more over stories and how to go about hunting for narratonin. Deacon's helper role represents him a lot in real life, and he's the voice of reason to Chase's energetic and spontaneous personality. They balance each other out perfectly, spontaneity with reasoning. Basically, they're the perfect storybook duo with Deacon's book-smart and Chase's street-smarts blending together.

I'm pretty sure I saw this in another analysis, but I'm adding it as well because it's such a good point. (EDIT: I can't find who posted it. PLEASE comment so I can tag you...!)

Deacon plays an important role outside of stories as well. In Cinderella Boy, we get a lot of Chase's insights of his life and traits from, who else but DEACON! He's literally a storyteller.

In Dreams by Day, he tells Silver (and us) about Chase's projection habit, which is extremely hilarious. But it's also an indicator of his personality and his little quirks that "Deacon got used to."

He's also a BIG lore dropper for Chase's life. After all, how would we know about Chase's dad, his mom, his selflessness, his quirks and personality that make him a true heroine?

The two keys also play important roles to him outside of stories.

Bronze is essentially telling him all the time: "No Deacon. Being a helper doesn't mean you neglect your own needs to help others. It means putting yourself first and taking the time to reflect on what you really want and THEN throwing yourself at the oppurtunity to help others. And also, stop being a huge people pleaser. I'm salty enough to know that you're a helper because you feel the overwhelming urge to forget about your own needs because you've been taught to put others first." Also the way that Bronze jokes on Deacon's rigid and insecure perspective of things is also kinda funny. While Bronze is mainly joking, he's also saying: "Dude. Are you serious? You have a life and emotions too!"

Silver also helps him. While the heroine key wouldn't seem like the wise advisor, she's wise emotionally. She always looks on the bright side, and after Deacon tells her that "People fail all the time", she says that hoping and wishing sometimes is enough. Passion is enough for someone to succeed. She is optimistic and believes in everyone, much like Chase. these words make Deacon feel better about himself. Surrounded by Silver and Chase will do that to ya! Leave it to a key and your cousin who's also extremely right about believing in yourself to make your life a little brighter. I believe in ya, Deacon!

He goes through a little bit of a mishaps during the Sick Day arc, getting a little too carried away. Once again, he wants to be the hero, and what better way to do it in one of his storybooks? He's also kinda upset about the fact that he's "always working hard for someone else", basically stuck in a moment of self pity. And so, he thinks, extremely in-the-moment: "hey! I should be the hero right now!" and so he does what Chase does: deviates from the story.

Except, he doesn't make it work. With the helper, deviating from the story doesn't go the same way it does with the heroine. This isn't to say that Deacon shouldn't be deviating from the story: it's just more-so how he goes about it. With the helper key, deviating from the story is a lot more risky. You can deviate from the story, just make sure it works with the plot. (and no, don't try to change your role in the story when it’s not subconsciously happening…Sorry Deacon, it won't work.) With the heroine, she can deviate from the story because her role kinda depends on it. She GETS what she wants, because most fairytales and stories GIVE the heroine luck.

Deacon's hero complex got to him again. He followed his fantasies and it backfired, and it's why deviating from the story just in a frenzy of praying you can change your role doesn't work. (It's also extremely unexpected that Buddy has to be the hero of Sick Day, saving both Deacon and Chase. But that's a whole other spiel to go off of...Someone pick it up from here.)

Buddy starts to play a more important role in Deacon's life, something I'll continue to talk about later on in this anaylsis!

The most important lines are "Maybe for once, I wanted to be the hero!" and to which Buddy says, "A real hero takes on his role because he has to. Not because he wants to. There are times we must be the hero, and many times where we need to be a helper."

Basically, he's clowning on Deacon for glamorizing the role of a hero. The whole idea of the hero archetype of the media in general is fed into the magic-guy-saves-the-world, ignoring the fact that heroes do their role for a purpose, a REASON. Not to get a wish. Again, this is another thing he must come to understand. Deacon's a rational guy, but when it comes to proving himself to others, he's an idiot. Once again, his wretched hero complex!

Even after the entire Sick Day arc, he still wants to be put in the spotlight and looks for some way to prove that he's cooler or better in some way, which is kinda funny.

In All that Glitters, Deacon isn't too big of a focus but we can sorta see him piecing together the shift in Chase and Buddy's relationship.

Stargoth are getting closer, and he's kinda smart so he goes, "Wait a minute. Their relationship is mutual. But they're too dumb to realize it." and he senses that shift. With the advice he's been following all his life, which is to think "realistically", he tells Chase to be careful about telling and not telling Buddy things.

As much as they could just tell Buddy about Prunella, to make sure he doesn't get his feelings like he did when he found out about the helper key, Deacon realizes what's more important. He knows Ex-Libris would most probably punish Buddy for getting another key-holder for another key that went missing. Therefore, he encourages Chase not to tell him, but he feels extremely guilty for it.

Also another detail I didn't really talk and I just noticed as I went to read "All That Glitters" was how Deacon has an obsession with horses. Once again, he wants to "change" the horses with his heroic complex that he has despite having the helper key. (Funny, yet goes along with his character perfectly. He really is something.)

The Honor Among Thieves arc is another important aspect that also ties in with Stargoth and Deacon’s perspective of it. He SEES things. He sees stupidity and these dumb pining idiots fighting with each other. Being the voice of reason, he's absolutely fed up with their bickering and their antics at this point. It's also accidentally hypocritical of him:

He's always the guy to get carried away with fantasies of meeting fictional women who he proves himself to. Yet, when he sees Chase absolutely losing it at Buddy's *cough* *hotness* he is SO done. When it comes to Stargoth, Deacon's fitting into the role as a helper perfectly. C'mon! At least it's not a fictional character, DEACON! /j I don't blame him as a very sapphic Cinderella boy stan...

At the end of Honor Among Thieves, they manage to give the story its happy ending despite the crazy antics and curveballs thrown at them. Good job for Deacon being able to deviate from the story AND help Chase. It's a win-win!

He also essentially tells Chase at the end to not feel bad about the fact that they hid Prunella and Goldie from him, because they had reasons to. Even though they would hurt Buddy emotionally, they could physically keep him safe from what would happen if they DID tell Buddy. And of course, Chase goes to sniff the hoodie right after, saying "You ever feel really wrong even when you're doing the right thing?" *cough gay* *but also foreshadowing. Yikes, Deacon. You were right for directing Chase, but it backfired after he found out :(*

The Book of Deacon is the closest we get to seeing Deacon's perspective. And there's many things I have to say about that episode:

First, the dry texts he sends to his mom. He is so tired of being the helper, and while he's writing out the notecards for the stories? Ow, double damage. He's tired of being the helper once again, constantly shifting back and forth between feeling better about himself and his role as a helper, both in stories and in real life, to having it constantly shut down the next second. The texts with his mom confirm, once again, he feels pressured and forced to help other people. That definitely doesn't help him feel better about himself.

The fact that he TOOK the hero key to go into a book as a hero: he's trying so hard to change his path again, only to feel better about himself. His fantasies and desires to be a hero are what help him avoid the role of a helper...

It's also kinda insane as many people have noted that he immediately resorts to CRUSHING on silver in the book. Dude, that's a key! But it also plays into his stupidity and hopeless-romantic character. No, I'm not saying him NOT EVEN SNAPPING OUT OF IT AND ALMOST ASKING OUT A KEY was justified. Just that he is SO irrational when it comes to chasing after women (whether it be fictional or out of his league, like literally. Girl, that's a KEY!), completely forgetting about everything else. After all, it's why he's so unsuited to being a hero when he forces himself to be one.

He comes to the realization that he HATES being a hero. Now THIS is the first token of acceptance we see him getting towards the helper role. This is where he fully accepts his role. He doesn't really like having a set path for himself. While it's probably because of how he hates set paths, possibly hinting to him standing up for himself later on...

He decides to help Chase in Requiem of Blood and Moonlight (finally, and without any sorta self-doubt or worry.) First, he starts with taking him into the story, and a part of him is happy with seeing that Chase is happy with it as well. It's so adorable seeing Deacon actually accept his role, and it's so attractive I SWEAR! Like oh my gosh, he's finally loving himself more!

Buttt it kinda backfires when he disregards Deacon's info on the story and warnings altogether. His help and usual voice of reason is useless to Chase, who is a gay IDIOT (see, there's a pattern here: love fantasizing about relationships that you'll never have makes you stupid.) Now we're faced with the question: what is Deacon's role now?

And that's where Buddy steps in.

Deacon and Buddy bond with their mutual desire to end the story, and they do this by taking on other roles. Even though Buddy's the villainess, he won't hesitate to fit into other roles in the story, and ends up being kinda like the helper. "The keys can take advantage of certain...loopholes." Similarly, Deacon is kinda the hero of the story now, without it being forced. (See Deacon? You can't force yourself to be the hero! Now, you HAVE to be one :) )

Deacon unknowingly becomes the hero after fighting off the wolves when he's locked outside the castle in this arc.

He steps into the scene of Buddy and Chase trying to tackle down Lucifier in the book. It's a parallel to Honor Among Thieves where Deacon was the one helping.

This story is the first story where we see him bonding with Buddy and unknowingly being the Hero without boasting about it nor making a big deal out of it! I'm so impressed.

To sum it up, I think Deacon's a character with a big hero complex built on his insecurities and he's so keen on proving himself to others. His insecurities come from his parents and rigid mindset that you must be realistic even if it's not what you want. The fact that he's so insecure also makes him a hopeless romantic, searching for unattainable standards of romance. He has a hard time accepting the fact that he can help others while also making room for himself, but he's growing to stand up for himself, not just others. My guy is going places! He serves as a voice of reason to Chase, even though sometimes he has to be reasoned with...And his role in stories changes when he isn't busy wishing for it. And, he's extremely book smart, slowly building up street smarts with the help of Chase and Silver as well.

Anyway, that's all the anaylsis I have on him so far.

I can't wait to see what advice he'll have for Chase after Buddy found out about Prunella and the Hero Key.

I just know next arc is going to be ROUGH. Praying for everyone's mental stability! (Can't guarantee we'll get any though.)

[the-muppet-joker]

I must admit, though shamefully, that I didn't believe you at first. What an ignorant heretic I was. How silly, I thought, that the second first man born unto God would choose such a humble place to spread his sermons. I've been so jaded in this awful life that I've rejected the one true light twinkling out past the darkness. This all-consuming black hole inside me...((Like a muppet hole)) No, no, no, no not like -((Are you so dissimilar to a toy? A muppet with a hollow inside where his creator's hand fits? I'm puppeting you right now and I'm telling you dude - there is a whole lot of empty in here.)) Why do I feel so ashamed? These thoughts are horrible.

((You know what's happening. You're just in denial.))

I remember the first time I saw the Muppets like I remember the first time my father hugged me (9). It shocked me to my core and I had this indescribable feeling- a feeling I can now put words to; This show was going to change the course of my life. I watched in awe as the be-felted people sung and danced. The songs felt like gospel in my young mind. I even tolerated the female Muppets because they were funny. All except one it turns out. Kermit was performing on stage and my life was reaching a peek. My soul was ablaze and my hole was being filled. And then this PIG walks on stage. Ms. Piggy was the definition of a 10/10 femoid in the looks department. Then this bimbo pig walks right up to Kermie and starts flirting with him. I think I must have blacked out the second she open her shrill mouth because the next thing I remember I'm staring down at my bloodied hands. The TV laid in a parking heap on the living room floor. I thought I could hear something coming from the TV, a whisper beneath the sparking and the now growing fire...muppet hole. The TV was undeniably glitching out and repeating the words muppet hole. No, it wasn't just the TV, it was a particular voice. Kermit.

((You saved Kermit from Ms. piggy)) No I didn't. I broke down, caused property damage, and had to skip summer camp for therapy. ((You were chosen)) For what? Almost burning down my house. Half of my hometown thinks I'm an arsonist. ((It is your role to burn every trace of pig flesh. Like a hog on a spit, rotating before the eyes of hungry horrors that lay just outside the fire's haze. She will know what it means to sacrifice your flesh to a smiling God)) Ok I understand.

Last night, laying in a puddle of congealing orange Faygo (huge bender), this memory came rushing back to me. I asked myself if my hole was filled. I checked and couldn't tell. After cleaning up I tried asking God if my hole was filled. He told me the answers I seek lay within my own mind. As a Maid of Mind I can dive really deep into my own mind. I used my ascended god tier powers to travel to the farthest recesses of my subconscious and find the answer for myself.

The further I descended the darker everything became.I panicked and tried to escape but hit a wall. Oh God, is this how I die? Trapped within my own mind, forced to suffer my sick, evil thoughts until my physical body perished? ((Keep moving)) I suddenly felt completely calm. I turned and kept walking. I soon realized that I was in a hallway. I could see a figure emerge in a sudden flash of light and I ran towards it for what felt like millennia. This invader of the mind had a dominant stance, with arms straight out to the sides as if to say ((come at me bro)).

Suddenly I was face to face with. Oh. ((Now do you understand?)) I do. Before me stood God, ie Dirk Strider. (If you're a monotheist Homestuck kin I'm sorry for the exclusionary language as Homestuck *can be read as a monotheistic work. I am just trying to express my religious views so my interpretation of the scripture is limited to my own experience. Sorry (⁠๑⁠•⁠﹏⁠•). God fist bumped me like a real bro and popped open a fresh bottle of orange Faygo to wash my feet with.

I can't write out the feet washing scene because I have a foot fetish. Let's just say it was very enjoyable for both of us although I don't think it was sexual for him. Was hard to tell through God's trademark dark sunglasses.

((You are my son, my child, my blood. Skin and bone but just as precious as the hand-sewn Smuppets. I have built from the clay just as my maker has built me from mud. We are Earth, we are space, we are transcending the roots. Together we will seed the universe and live out our Godhood.)).

How will we seed the universe?

((We must destroy Ms.Piggy so she can't hold Kermit down with her dumb feminine ways. Every snort from her is like a vast oink that pulls the threads of the universe apart farther, and farther. She is a force of chaos and having her so close to Kermit is limiting his potential to ascend. Kermit is one of my splinter selves and if he can't ascend I might lose narrative relevance altogether))

WELL THEN HOW DO I HELP YOU! PLEASE LET ME HELP YOU REACH YOUR TRUE POTENTIAL BY BRINGING DOWN THIS HOG. But I have one concern? How do I do it? My abilities aren't primarily combat based. How can I bring down nigh infinite incarnations of this foul swine?

((Muppet hole))

I woke up(?) in a puddle of sweat building over the now fully congealed Faygo puddle. I felt a purpose in my limbs as they moved easily like the wooden arms of a marionette. I felt full, fulfilled. I have found my purpose and my master. I HAVE FOUND SALVATION.

I've spent the past week going to every store on the bus route, 1 by 1, and defacing any evidence of Ms.Piggy. I cross out her name in big black sharpie and write religious seals on the pages of the magazines. I steal the dolls, replace the heads with different heads, and put them back. I even go to the grocery stores and cross out all the ham/pork labels on the meats. I've been replacing them with labeled that say things like "smile at your true god" and simply "flesh".

I do this all in the service of a god that is now crystalizing in my mind. And the sharper the image gets the closer it looks like Kermit's crusty hole. Amen.

Finally someone fucking understands

[fanficsformyfaves]

Cardigan

Loki Laufeyson x Fem Asgardian!Reader

WARNINGS: ANGST, Mentions of Death and Grief, Abandonment Issues, Insecurities

PREFACE: Loki and Reader have always been frenemies of sorts, constantly teasing and getting on each other's nerves, but that all changed when Loki started growing distant.

A/N: Flashbacks in Italics!

Frigga doesn't die and Loki knew he was adopted since he was a child in this A/U!

My big scary baby :,(

I've been with the Royal Family since I was merely a child. My father was one of King Odin's guards, so I'd spent nearly my whole life within the palace's walls, becoming one of Queen Frigga's handmaidens.

Thor and I got along great...it was his brother that was the issue. All I ever heard about the young prince was that he liked to cause trouble. For his family, the people of Asgard and the staff who worked to end, trying to clean up his messes.

I was more than certain it had to do with his Jotunn side, but, I withheld from making such remarks.

To say our friendship was complicated would be the understatement of the millennium. He was always so audacious, especially towards the staff, which did not exclude me.

A vivid memory I had growing up was one where Loki decided it would be a good idea to shapeshift into snake and 'surprise' me, as I was making a visit to Thor's chambers.

"Thor?", I called out into the room,

Peaking my head in.

"Your mother says it's supper time"

Being met with no response, I figured he was already on his way to the dining hall and just as I was turning to leave and head back to my quarters, I see a serpent hastily slithering towards me.

I let out a blood-curdling scream, jumping back against the door and landing inside of Thor's room.

"Help! Someone!", I yell,

"(Y/N)?", I hear Thor's voice,

I turn back and see him, looking down at me with concern laced in his eyes. A flash of green catches my attention and when I face the front of me once more, I was met with Loki struggling to breathe from laughing so hard.

"You should've seen your face!"

"That is not funny!", I scold,

As Thor helped me onto my feet.

"Oh, lighten up, it was a harmless joke"

"Harmless? My heart nearly gave out!"

He scoffs, before exiting the room.

Let's just say that wasn't the first nor the last of his practical jokes, so at some point, I've just grown accustomed to the mischief. You can only be poked at so many times, before you've grown immune to the constant teasing.

But despite everything and him being the snarky son of a bitch that he was...I still found myself falling for him.

I remember the night that it happened.

I was just nineteen, when my father died protecting Odin. It took place on one of his missions, when an ambush broke out and he was pierced through the heart by someone after the king.

I was sitting in my room, stitching up one of Thor's capes, when my best friend walked.

"(Y/N)", the fellow handmaiden called out into my room,

"Yes?"

That's when I noticed the worry in her eye.

"What is it?", I questioned,

Standing up from the bed.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm so sorry", her voice gives out,

"You're scaring me", I warned.

It took her a moment to get the words out, but when she did, I felt my stomach drop to my feet.

"It's your father...he's dead"

Nothing felt real in that moment. I was more than convinced that I was just simply having nightmare.

"What?"

"There was an ambush during one of King Odin's expeditions and he took a sword through the heart", she wept.

I shook my head in disbelief.

"No"

"(Y/N)-", she says,

Taking steps towards me.

"No, you're lying"

She attempts to hold me, as I was repeatedly trying to pull away.

"You're lying!"

"(Y/N), please", she sobbed,

"YOU'RE LYING!"

Finally, she was able to pull my defeated frame into her arms, trying her hardest to soothe me.

"You're lying", I cried against her shoulder,

"Papa"

That was all I could do in that moment. Repeatedly call out to him, knowing there would be no answer.

I was so devasted by his loss. I locked myself away for days, not being able to sleep or eat. Whenever someone would try to check in on me, they were simply met with my voice through the door telling them I was fine.

Thor, being my best friend, organized a private funeral to honor his last selfless act.

So, there I stood before his casket, with tears streaming down my face, as I wished it had been me who took that blade instead.

"He was a noble man, (Y/N)", Thor said,

Placing a careful hand on my shoulder.

"This isn't fair", I whispered,

"I know"

"Of all people, why him? He was good. He's only ever been good", I struggled against my tears.

No longer being able to hold my composure, I walk out of the room and collapse onto the floor, gathering the remainder of my strength to sit up against the wall, before burying my face in my knees.

I'd never felt so crushed. Like, the rug had been ripped away from beneath my feet, sending me crashing onto the cold hard ground face first.

A moment of quiet passes, when I hear the door's handle click open.

"Thor, please leave me alone", I pleaded,

"It's not Thor"

I look up and see Loki, standing before me.

"Sorry to disappoint"

I sigh.

"If you're here to pick on me, now isn't exactly the best time", my coarse voice warned,

As I turned away. Just as I thought he would take the hint and leave me be, he joins me on the floor.

"I'm not going to. Not on a day like this", he reassured,

Placing a hand atop mine.

"He truly was a good man"

I nod, still unable to look him in the face.

"Yeah. He really was", I agreed,

Tearing up once more.

"I am aware of the fact that we do not always see eye to eye, but...I'm here to listen. Whether it's you crying or spilling your heart out, I will be there. Believe it or not, I do care about you"

"You don't have to-"

"I do"

I look back at him, confused.

"You and your father have always been so good to my family, even if it meant putting yourselves in harm's way"

"So this is what this is? A pity talk?"

"What? No-"

"If you're doing this because you feel bad for me, then don't"

He sighs to himself, before continuing to speak.

"I am here because you've turned everyone away and try as you might, it won't work on me. I've known you long enough to know that isolating yourself will only make things worse for you in the end"

I was speechless. I'd never seen him so sincere or honest. It was almost chilling.

"I'm not going anywhere", he promised,

Intertwining our fingers. That was the first time I'd felt something other exasperation for the prince. I felt...safe. Like, for the first time in what felt like my entire life, I was finally being seen.

Too tired to argue, I lay my head against his shoulder, whilst closing my eyes.

Since that day, our relationship had mellowed out and we could actually communicate without biting the other's head off. I actually grew to enjoy his company more and more as the days went on, but with the enjoyment, came the worry.

I was falling for him and I knew it.

What worried me wasn't the act of actually falling, more so the certain rejection I would face, if my true feelings were to ever surface past the bounds of my mind.

Despite that, he and I would eventually become the best of friends. Sneaking out past curfew to drink till the sun came up, whilst he talked about the adventures he and Thor would go on.

"It's true!", he defended,

As I let out a loud cackle.

"Oh, you and your brother are something else", I reply,

After catching my breath.

"Well, what can I say? I'm quite fun"

"I'm sure"

I turn to face him and he was already staring at me, with a soft smile. I shoot him a confused look, taking a sip from my cup.

"What?"

"Nothing", he shakes his head.

I couldn't help but blush at his gaze.

Seemingly, out of the blue, Loki had begun distancing himself from me. He would no longer meet me at midnight or even make his usual sarcastic remarks at me.

"Loki, I had a question about this book I found-", I asked,

Walking up to him, when he cuts me off by slightly brushing past me.

"Ask Thor", he replied dismissively.

This would go on for the next following weeks. Him avoiding me and me endlessly wondering why. Yes, I was confused, but more than anything, I was hurt. After everything, he was back to being cold and unkind.

"Are you alright?"

"I'm fine"

"Loki-"

"I said I'm fine! Could you please leave? I don't have the patience for your vexing today!", he yells.

I hadn't seen him for days after that. All I could do was carry on with my duties and spend the nights crying till I was to exhausted to stay awake. Was it something I had done? Or said? What could have possibly happened to make him hate me? Too many questions left unanswered, till I could no longer bare the agony.

If this was meant to be the end of the line for us, I was going to get that closure. No matter the hurt that awaited me at the other side of it.

I searched up and down the entire palace looking for him, but to no avail. I eventually run into Thor, but he was more nervous than usual.

"Thor, have you seen your brother?"

"No", he said,

Avoiding my gaze whilst trying to walk past me, when I block his way.

"Thor"

"(Y/N), I must go"

"What? I just need-"

"I must", he interrupts,

Finally making contact with my eyes. That's when the realization sunk in.

"Loki", I mutter under my breath.

He sighs, shapeshifting back into his usual form and brushing past me.

Being much taller than me, I chased him down the halls, struggling to keep up with his long strides.

"Loki!", I yelled after him.

But alas, my call was ignored.

"Loki, I can't keep up with you!"

"Then leave"

"Loki!"

He finally stops in his tracks and hesitantly turns back to face me.

"What?"

"You've been avoiding me for weeks", I shrug,

"And?"

"And I deserve to know why"

He scoffs, rolling his eyes.

"You owe me that-"

"I owe you nothing"

His words cut deeper than he knew. Just as I was about to speak, he turns and walks away.

"I'm not done talking to you!"

"I am"

I could no longer hold back the sadness that turned into rage. I was at my limit and I wanted him to know that.

"You're a coward!"

He pauses for a moment.

"After everything, you're just gonna walk away? That's how you wanna end things?", I yell on the verge of tears.

I knew he could hear it in my voice. The pure disappointment and defeat intertwined with my words.

"Fuck you! Fuck you!", I repeated.

I see him take a deep breath, before continuing to walk.

"At least tell me why! What did I do to make you hate me?"

"I don't-", he says,

About to reach his chambers.

"Then why?!"

"Because I love you!", he finally admits.

In that exact moment, everything went quiet. It was as if the world had stopped spinning on its axis and the rest of humanity disappeared around us.

As I stood there, trying to process what I'd just heard, he began slowly making his way to me.

"That is why I've been so cold. See, despite you being a thorn in my side, I couldn't help myself from falling for you. You are beautiful, brave and smart"

I had no words. Did I hear him correctly or had I finally lost my mind?

"But what I admire most...is your heart", he said,

Gesturing to his own.

"I was a lost cause till you deemed me otherwise. You believed that I was worthy of redemption regardless of everything horrible thing I'd done. Not many did and yet that did not sway you. You found it within yourself to forgive me for all the years I'd mistreated you and I will never be able to repay you for that"

"Loki", I whisper,

"I was and still might be that monster parents tell their children about at night, which leaves me wondering how someone like me end up with a person such as yourself in my corner. I know I do not deserve you, (Y/N), but I can no longer hide my true feelings for you"

It was getting harder and harder to fight back the tears that were threatening to spill. To hear him speak so lowly of himself was utterly painful. He wasn't that monster anymore and I knew that to be true.

"Now...feel free to tell me how repulsed you are and how much you hate me, so that we may resume our regular banter, before I inevitably lose my mind over you again"

"Loki-"

"TELL ME!", he screamed,

Causing me to flinch back in shock.

"I can't do that", I said quietly,

He shakes his head, aggressively wiping a tear away.

"Because I don't hate you. I never have"

I take a few careful steps towards him, as he eyes me down.

"Yes, the things you've said to me in the past have gotten under my skin...but none of that matters anymore"

Gently cupping his face, before finally closing the gap between us. His lips were softer than I could've imagined.

It took a slight beat, but he eventually melted into my touch, as his hands held me by my waist. The kiss wasn't rushed or hasty, in fact, it was delicate and soft, like he was making up for the years he'd missed out on. Eventually, I pulled away, pouring my eyes deeply into his and pressing our foreheads together.

"I love you too", I reassured,

"You didn't give up on me...and I won’t give up on you"

[bokettochild]

Hi, I've been following you lately. Your fictions are so awesome, they really made my day.

I'm currently looking for new works and came across your Opera House AU. It's a bit unfortunate that those main ideas and plot aren't quite on AO3(where I usually read most because I'm not good at English). So I follow your instructions to Tumblr to search by tag.

I don't know and I'm not sure but I have scroll down all the way to find the first post about the idea of it. Well... I've come to the post from 20/3/2023 and it not the first one(?). It seems like you've talked about it for a while before having the tag.

The story plot made me feel so curious because you've been talked about it for a while. What have happened? What are those about? What will happen next? So exciting, can't wait to know!

Sooo... If you don't mind, can you tell me about the first idea of it and the story line up until now. I'm really grateful and thankful for any ideas that will help me know more about the AU!

After all, thanks for answer me and please forgive me for bothering you. I love you so much! Wish you have a great day/night! <3<3<3 💗💗💗

Oh hi!

So, the opera house AU actually did only start around that time! I made sure tag all the posts with the appropriate tag, it's just that ny missing pieces you feel might have existed before exist only in Ds between myself and @/cantankerouscanuck, who I believe was one of the ones to start the AU rolling and really get me making it (him and @/mermain123)

The AU is still pretty new works wise, although I guess it's been around for over a year now!

The main plot is yet to be written, but would focus, theoretically, around a young Hyrule, who, freshly booted to the streets after out-growing foster care, is homeless and working a crappy job while trying to figure out life, and runs into Legend, who is, well, on the run from the cops (he's a graffiti artist in his spare time).

The two boys would sort of connect as Hyrule insists on helping the guy- who literally fell through a window of a (seemingly) abandoned building and landed him while he was trying to sleep there -back home. After this, they meet again and, attempting to help Hyrule in return, Legend gets him a job at the opera house where he's worked since he was small.

The main story would follow Hyrule getting familiar with the cast and crew of the opera and finding his own place among them, either as a performer himself or in some other role (so far unknown because that's something he has to decide for himself).

I fully intend to write this one day, but have a lot of other big stories in my head so it's been slow. that said, there's been so many great ideas, suggestions and prompts given to me that I did end up creating a few one shots for the story, focusing around the other Links and their own respective drama (mostly Legend and Twilight but trust me the OH AU Time brainrot is real rn)

If you have any further questions about the series, feel free to ask! I love talking about this one so very much and it's never a bother for me when I see messages or asks about it (it honestly brightens my whole day!)

[fierceawakening]

So I was poking around YouTube and I came across a vid from someone I used to watch periodically entitled "How I Stopped Being Anti-Woke" (or something to that effect).

It was fascinating.

Those of you who've known me for a long time know I used to be an outspoken atheist who never missed an episode of The Thinking Atheist and watched presentations from cons with envy.

(Influenced in part by some things I read by Jews on Tumblr about how you can find meaning in religious practice without believing God exists, I ultimately went back to the church I grew up in. I still think God is a story, but I always liked the way they used that story to tell you to be kind and patient, and only left because I thought they didn't want people around who didn't think God was real. Since I went back I've mentioned I'm not sure and I tend to just get shrugs, so I figure I'm welcome until someone gets mad at me.)

I had a bit of a... I won't say front row seat, as by that time I wasn't as intense about consuming everything anyone put out, I was mostly just a fan of Seth and sometimes watching things he recommended because I thought he had good judgment, but I did kind of observe the shift rightward from the sidelines and not like it.

The video I watched the other day brought up the whole brouhaha about Anita Sarkeesian, and how a LOT of the people who were offended by her very existence happened to be content creators in the YouTube atheist community.

I don't have my dates exact here, but around the time Anita was big, I'd been part of and left a feminist online community that I now feel was leaning pretty culty. I'd been in a community that was very aware of Messages in Media, and there was still a bit of me that thought they had a point, but I was also very aware of how people could use what fandoms you were in or what you said about them to get you shunned and purged. (People may or may not believe me on this, but there was one LiveJournal communiy, feminist_rage, where when someone got banned an announcement went out to the whole community, and people would frequently make fun of that person in the comments to the ban announcement. When you think you're saving the world, you do terrible stuff very routinely.)

So I didn't like Sarkeesian much. I loved video games and nerd shit, and as a (probably?) girl I'd been sad at the lack of playable women all my life so I couldn't despise her utterly, but I did sometimes just feel tired and like "sure it's not ideal, but please stop telling people I can't abide playing as a grizzled taciturn white man whose wife was killed. It's not THAT bad."

But I noticed something in my YouTube recs that was... distressing and confusing.

It used to be I'd watch the Thinking Atheist episode for the week or catch up on some I'd missed and get recommended videos I really liked about critical thinking or logical fallacies or how you could spot when someone trying to Help You Find Jesus was saying something that sounded convincing but wasn't rational. I'd watch these with great interest. I liked thinking about thinking, and I'd been taken in by religion when I was too young to feel comfortable asking the adults when THEY'D seen Jesus, but also taken in by high control feminism when I SHOULD have been old enough to feel comfortable asking how we'd be able to tell when the patriarchy started ceding ground. I wanted to be as rational as I could make myself.

But I started seeing recs for people... talking about Sarkeesian.

They started out using that magic word rational and rationality, arguing that Sarkeesian wasn't demonstrating it. And I'd kind of agree. Some of her vids annoyed me too!

But then a funny thing would happen. The guy in the video would lose his temper. He'd start screaming, and he would not stop.

And I'd sit there thinking, "Toto, I don't think we're in Rationality anymore. "

I was shocked and horrified. We were supposed to know betetr! We were the ones constantly making, reviewing, and putting into practice guides to critical thinking! We were the ones who didn't want comforting stories about gods "as a crutch!"

(Nota Bene: I now absolutely think telling yourself comforting stories is fine, and am baffled by my former belief that there was something wrong with them. I came closer to suicide in 2016 than I ever have before or since, and I ABSOLUTELY went to church EXPLICITLY BECAUSE I knew I needed someone to tell me a comforting story and needed it too much to let my pride get in the way--and I don't believe I'm any weaker today than I was then.)

And yet here we were screaming for 45 minutes at a go because some lady wanted more playable women in video games.

At first I thought it was just this one guy, Thunderfoot. Erotically obsessed with someone he couldn't have, I figured, as he'd have to admit feminism had a point or two to have a chance and his pride wouldn't let him do that, so the next best thing was letting his rageboner overflow on camera.

But there started to be more and more of them.

To the point where, by the time I bothered to look back... they were MAGA. The most irrational, social herd, emotion driven, movement I had ever seen in my lifespan.

I dunno. I feel like I should have a lesson here. I don't have one.

Years ago I would've called it "don't lose your empathy." Or "don't forget that if you try to turn off your emotions, they start messing with your reason and making what they like look rational."

But people pushed back so hard on those things and mistreated me so much I'm just tired now.

I guess the thing is: look out for the angry people. If you keep them around, make sure they're the catalysts, never the brains of your operation.

[threadbearsweater]

From your last reblog, how do you stop hating getting older? Most of my fandom friends are early/mid 20s and it makes me feel so gross being in my 30s. Everyone always shames you for being so 'old' in the anime spaces and I always feel kinda guilty about it and I shouldn't.

How do you come to terms with aging and loving your age? I know I'm younger than you but it feels like I'm aging so quickly when everyone else stays so young lol

I guess what I'm asking is what made you love your 40s? Or even your 30s? What made you wake up and go 'actually, this is way better than people made it out to be'. I hope none of this sounds too invasive but I feel like I'm doing myself a disservice by not loving my age gracefully when I never thought I'd MAKE it to this age, y'know?

I am afraid that it's not really a profound revelation. As much as I'd like to sit here and document my journey to self-love and say that it's always been positive and joyful, it really hasn't been. I'd say that just in the last 5 or 6 years, I've finally had the ability to be honest with myself about a lot of things- namely the way I handle stress, relationship woes (both platonic and romantic) and just life in general. My 40's are loads better than my 30's even. I spent a lot of my 30's being angry- at myself, at my kids, at my ex-husband. At work, at life, at money. And I knew it at the time, but I guess I thought it was just the way life had to be. I told myself I'd just been dealt a shitty hand and it was the consequences of my actions so far that made my life what it had to be. I resigned myself to a life where I'd just constantly be at someone else's beck and call and figured that's what it would be forever and ever amen. (the rest is under a cut because I got REALLY long-winded)

When the pandemic hit, I left a job that had me so wrung out and miserable for almost 6 years. And I woke the fuck up. I never really thought the job was the problem, and I don't think it was the whole issue- but it definitely contributed to my constant need to put my own feelings aside and take care of everyone else before myself. Just last year, my husband and I talked about how angry I used to be. Bless his patient heart, he told me that "things got pretty rough for a while. I wasn't sure if we'd pull through" and it broke my heart to know that my anger affected him in such a profound way.

BUT to backtrack, after I quit that job, I started going to therapy. I got back on meds, I got a life-changing diagnosis that really helped me explain and understand my decades of self-destructive patterns. And for the first time, I started to put myself first. It was ridiculously difficult at first. I started to notice small changes in the way my kids interacted with me, the way I could talk to people, the way I connected with online friends. It didn't come without some lessons along the way, some learned with great difficulty. I don't pretend to be a perfect example of someone who knows herself and knows others so completely, and I do still fuck up- but I own it. I don't try to blame others anymore. And I work to forgive myself without expecting others to do the work for me.

I've been lucky so far to never be directly shamed for being older in fandom spaces. I've surrounded myself with some beautiful souls- most of them being somewhere in the late twenties-late thirties range- and I just come around and be me, flaws and all. I talk about the things I like, I open my mind to the things I might not understand at first, I avoid the things that upset me (this might be the hardest one, especially when it's all available at our fingertips at any given moment). I've seen those posts about how people of a certain age are seen as "creepy" or "weird" or whatever the colorful adjective of the day may be for fandom "elders". And I'm sure there are probably people reading this now who feel that way about anyone who's over the age of 25, but it's all good! I'm having a good time. I'm enjoying the things I enjoy because it's fun to do so, and everyone should feel free to have a good time wherever we may end up, you know?

My heart breaks for you when I hear you say things like "I never thought I'd make it this far". My 16 year old has expressed the same sentiment to me recently, and it just knocks the wind right out of me to consider how that must affect your day to day life. I guess if I were to offer any advice, I'd say Congratulations! You've made it, and you're still making it! Keep going, don't stop, do whatever it takes to keep getting up in the morning and putting one foot in front of the other. Give yourself grace. Growing up and growing older really is a gift, and I KNOWWWWW that sounds corny and cliche to say so, but it REALLY is! Fuck the haters, damn the man (save the Empire), and enjoy crying and screaming over fictional characters, because why the hell not? There's no age limit on joy.

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hey Cas, Outlet anon here with another vent. I want your advice, but there isn't really a question, just... what you think about the whole thing.

I think this might be religious trauma, but it doesn't really feel like trauma to me. More a couple bad things that happened to me and affected my life significantly (the literal definition of trauma is "...an emotional response to a terrible event like an accident, crime, or natural disaster. It can also refer to the lasting emotional response resulting from living through a distressing event, which can include psychological symptoms such as depression, anxiety, flashbacks, and recurring nightmares." But it doesn't Feel significant enough to be trauma.).

Anyway. I was raised christian in a christian household with very christian relatives, and, unfortunately, that comes with heaps and heaps of homophobia (I know some christians are differen't, but those people aren't part of this story). I, on the other hand, am very, very queer, and I look the part (stereotypically, anyway. I have a bunch of piercings, a shaved head, weird outfits, etc etc. The whole nine yards.)

In my last ask, I mentioned 'Al' (my sibling's dad). To add some more icing to the cake of amazing thingsTM (/sarcasm) about him, he's one of the Very Homophobic christians.

Growing up, 'weird' (LGBTQIA+) people never bothered me. I'm not sure why, but it might be because I was bullied (for how I dressed and what shoes I wore, stuff like that, but thinking back now, it probably had something to do with my weight & very obvious autism that nobod every told me about, but that's a different story for a different time.), though I've also never really cared about that sort of thing. Like, it didn't change anything if someone wanted to be called something else or if they liked someone of the same identity. It just... never crossed my mind to care. I guess that's one plus of Al hating and ignoring me; his views never rubbed off.

When I got old enough to understad gender and sexuality and whatnot, some things about me slid right into place. It took a year or so (barely any time at all, compared to other people) for me to get stuff right and figure out which labels did and didn't fit, but when I finally got it right, I was happy & content. Go back a year or so to my *first* label: lesbian. My mother found out because I was young and dumb and didn't know about search history, but she just asked me about it and told me that telling Al wasn't a good idea.

I listened for a couple months and kept my head down; however, this was back when I still desperately wanted a dad and was still trying my best to make Al love me, so telling him about my identity felt important. Well, I did. Needless to say, he wasn't happy and he became more passive agressive (this was after he stopped interacting with me really at all, so he didn't hurt me or do anything physically except restrict my already restricted internet). His negative response is what got me to finally stop trying with him and to just say "fuck it, I don't need a dad".

I was still calling myself a christian, but I'd started to question a lot of stuff that nobody wanted me to question. Fast forward a year and I'd taken up witchcraft and my questions still hadn't been answered. I was told "god loves the real you" and then forced to be someone else. Naturally, that didn't sit right.

I kept going to church to keep up pretenses and keep Al content. At one point, they did a sermon about LGBTQIA+ people, and the end message was "we don't have to accept you to respect you". Which. Just. What a fucking fantastic thing to say to a bunch of queer people, one of which had started thinking of youth group as a safe space with safe people where I could be myself. That was like a slap in the face, and suddenly the people I thought were safe weren't anymore.

I started to really resent Al and became more reclusive at home and more flamboyant at school. Now that I'm typing it out, this sounds pretty insignificant, but this shit hit me deep and hard. I was just a kid who wanted to be wanted. Instead, I was hated for something that wasn't my choice.

I have an uncle (Al's brother, but he's earned the 'Uncle' title in my eyes) who came out as gay then moved to Germany to get away from everyone. It took him like 20 years to talk to his parents again.

I'm happier now, with a collection of deities who are kinder to me, a community that's happy to have me around, and a friend who I can share my religion with. Which, honestly, is more than I could ever ask for.

Anyway. That's all I can think of. I hope your day is magical, I give my regards to you and your wife. Thank you for listening <3

You: I think this might be religious trauma, but it doesn't really feel like trauma to me. More a couple bad things that happened to me and affected my life significantly Also you: But it doesn't Feel significant enough to be trauma.

I mean, I'm not a professional, but...that feels like trauma to me? Something that has to do with religion that negatively affected your life in a significant way?

I think a lot of people don't want to label their trauma as trauma because they've heard other people have "had it worse" and like...just because you weren't send to a conversion therapist doesn't mean what you went through wasn't trauma. (did I say that right? there were a lot of negatives in there).

You're allowed to recognize your experiences as horrible and upsetting and life-altering. It doesn't negate other people's experiences, I promise <3 (and I mean this in a kind way, not a rude way)

You're always allowed to vent to me, and I'm so glad you're happier now. But yeah, it sounds like you went through some awful shit, and I'm giving you tons of hugs.

[krystalskeleton]

1992.11.11 – RAW Magazine Interview with Izzy

Music

"Yeah, music is partially my saving grace. It's been part of my life every day of the week since I was a kid. It doesn't have to be a specific type of music, it can be any type because the whole of it takes you away from the mundane, every day sort of thing.

"Being on tour, I find it like a luxury item because when I'm on tour I don't have a big stereo, I have a Sony player that cost 50 bucks, it's mono and it has this tiny speaker. For the first couple of days I only had my walkman which is fine for airplanes, but otherwise they're a drag. I found myself looking in the window of these shops at these stereos and there was this one in Chicago which was four and a half feet long and three feet tall. It was this boom box with neon lights inside it. It was really freaky looking, but I ended up getting this small Sony because it would fit in my bag, it plays cassettes and it records so I can write songs on it too. I find that if I hear a stereo now, even if it's a PA at gigs and they're playing a tape, it's a luxury and I really enjoy it."

Food

"Indian food and pizza are my favourites. I stopped eating meat a few years ago. I don't eat red meat or chicken, but I eat fish. I stopped eating meat shortly after I stopped drinking and using drugs. I think it was a case of wanting to heal myself a little quicker rather than objecting to meat, plus there were some cases on the West Coast where people were dying after they'd eaten bad meat. I'm big on salads. Salads in America are just a couple of bits of dead lettuce, but over here people are a bit more conscientious.

But Indian food and pizza are my favourites and that's why Chicago is like heaven to me because you can get a pizza delivered at 5am and it's damn good pizza. There's a place there called Mama Mia and they deliver all night long. They've got pizzas that are two inches thick with like a cracker crust with fresh tomatoes on top. "

Drink

"I like mango lassi and sweet lassi from Indian restaurants. My second would be fresh squeezed orange juice. Those are the only things I drink. I gave up drinking because I just had enough of waking up in my own vomit and not remembering who I was hanging out with the night before, getting arrested and all that stuff. Waking up in jail, and that sort of thing became old for me and I finally realised that I had to stop this and figure it all out. It wasn't easy and it took a while. I feel a lot better for not doing it."

Hate

"It's destructive in nature. Sometimes you can get angry, but it usually doesn't help fix anything. If I hate something I just get hung up on it and dwell on it. I find it easier to try and dismiss it. Otherwise it's extra baggage to be carrying around. You see hatred every day on the TV and some other places and that's enough for me, I don't need to live with it anymore."

Rock 'N' Roll

"It's that life blood. You can't put your finger on it. For me it's that other thing that only people who listen to it or love it know what it is. To the rest of the world though it probably doesn't mean shit!(laughs)

" The funniest thing I ever heard in Guns N Roses was from this guy in Canada called Gabe. God, he was hilarious! He said he saw something on English TV once that said no matter how many records Elton John sold in 1976, there were still 40 billion Chinese people that don't give a fuck and that rang so true to me- this was back in '86 so I've always kept it in mind. It's true. If you look at the globe and spin it and put your finger wherever it lands there's people there who don't know what Rock 'N' Roll is. For people who do love it, though, it's their whole life. For me it's very special.

" We used to have Rock 'N' Roll bands come to play at our house when I was a real young kid. My dad used to have these parties and me and my brothers were beer runners. The bands were always downstairs and I always hung out with them. When you're a kid and these guys would show to play stuff on the drums, it was great. They'd play stuff like (Credence Clearwater Revival's) 'Proud Mary'. I was lucky 'cos I got to grow up with that. I've been hooked on that ever since."

Drugs

"It's up to each person. It doesn't do any good to tell people not to do it. If people want to do 'em then they're gonna do 'em. All I can say is for myself they stopped being a good thing. It became a complete pain in the ass. It was destroying me as a person and I got to the point where I decided to give up. It wasn't like I didn't know 'cos you go through a peroid where you know you're tearing yourself up. I knew I had to stop or everything was gonna go down the tubes."

Sex

"It's pretty important, but to a lot of people it's hard to understand that it doesn't mean much unless you care about the person you're with. I'm lucky, 'cos I do."

Love

"It's a great thing. Everybody needs it and wants it. Life can be pretty bleak without it. I've got a German shepherd and I've had him since he was a puppy, ya' know. I bought him when he was just a twerp. He's three years old, he's healthy, he's big and he can run 40 miles an hour and he's great. I love my dog!

"I've had a steady girl for a few years and it's a great thing. Love makes life a lot easier."

Work

" I worked in a car wash when I was 15. I worked where the cars come out and you have to dry the cars off. In the winter time with the wind chill it can be 10 or 20 below zero, and that was real work getting up at five or six in the morning. It was cold and you've got these towels that are freezing and you're washing these fuckers off. Music is more something that you love to do so it doesn't seem like work. The thought of having to get a real job is difficult. I was never that good at keeping a straight job and getting enough money to do what I wanted to do. At the same time I had to work as a kid. If you gotta do it you do it.

" I've had different jobs. I worked in pizzerias and I actually enjoyed that. That was one job that didn't feel like work unless there was a gig or concert that I wanted to go to. In that case I'd leave work early anyway. I actually liked cooking pizzas, flipping the dough and stuff was cool.

"If I had to get another real job I would probably work in a pizzeria, or I'd work in the car wash and I'd be on the front end. The front end is where the guys would pump gas and vacuum the cars, and these guys were always the envy of everyone else who had it rough. This was back in the '70s when people would drive around with big joints in their cars. They'd smoke half a joint and leave the rest so that when one guy pulls up with half a joint in his ashtray, what happens to the joint? It ends up in the pocket of the guys who are up front who'd smoke them! I think I'd rather work in a pizza place though where it's warm and there's music."

Photo © Paul Jendrasiak, 1993

[untitledmemes]

High Noon Prompts

An assortment of prompts taken from the movie High Noon (1952) directed by Fred Zinnemann. Adjust as necessary to fit pronoun and/or descriptor. In case of Multimuse, don't forget to specify which one/s. Reblog, please do not repost or add.

“ Did you see what I saw? ”

“ You in a hurry? ”

“ You're a fool. Come on. ”

“ Hot? You call this hot? ”

“ My goodness gracious. ”

“ He rides mighty fast for a Sunday. ”

“ I think people are ought to be alone when they get married. ”

“ You get out of this town. Get out of this town this very minute. ”

“ I guess I'll take a look around. ”

“ It's no good. I got to go back. ”

“ This is crazy. I haven't even got any gun. ”

“ They are making me run. I've never run from anybody before. ”

“ He was always wild and kinda crazy, he'll probably make trouble. ”

“ Don't try to be a hero, you don't have to be a hero for me! ”

“ You can help me by providing silence. ”

“ I'm not trying to be a hero. If you think I like this, you're crazy! ”

“ You know there'll be trouble. ”

“ We got our whole lives ahead of us, doesn't that mean anything to you? ”

“ You know, I got only an hour and I've got lots to do. ”

“ I won't be here when it's over. ”

“ You shouldn't have come back. That was stupid. ”

“ I think I'm letting you down, ain'tchu? ”

“ What a waste. Good luck. ”

“ That's funny, I figured you carried a lot of weight here. ”

“ You think I'm too young too? ”

“ If you don't know, it's no use of me telling you. ”

“ The truth is you probably talked against me from the start. ”

“ You can't stand anybody takin' your place, now can ya? Especially me. ”

“ I thought you'd grew up by now. ”

“ What's so funny? ”

“ He's sore, that's all. He's sore about you and me. ”

“ I can take care of myself. ”

“ No reason, but it's mighty interesting. ”

“ It's going to be quite a sight to see. ”

“ You can count on me. You know that, don't you? ”

“ You've been real decent with me all along, and I want you to know I've been honest with you. ”

“ What are you looking at? You think I've changed? ”

“ I will not lift a finger for you. ”

“ I'm not afraid of him. ”

“ Nothing in life is free. ”

“ If you're smart, you will get out too. ”

“ There's plenty people around thinking he got a comeuppance coming. ”

“ Where's the tin star? ”

“ I guess you all know why I'm here. ”

“ What do you want? You want me to get killed? ”

“ You got nothing to worry about as long as I'm around. ”

“ It takes more than big broad shoulders to make a man, and you have a long way to go. ”

“ When he dies, this town dies too. ”

“ It's their mess, let them take care of it. ”

“ If we don't do what's right, we're gonna have plenty o' more troubles. ”

“ There's only one thing to do now, and y'all know what it is. ”

“ He's a mighty brave man. A good man. ”

“ Bang, Bang! You're dead! ”

“ If you're honest, you're poor your whole life. ”

“ I couldn't do nothing for ya. You'd be worried about me. ”

“ It's all for nothing. ”

“ Let him go, he still has a chance. Let him go. ”

“ They were on the right side, but that didn't help them when the shooting started. ”

“ There's got to be some better way for people to live. ”

“ I always figured you for guts. But I never gave you any credit for brains 'til now. ”

“ It takes a smart man to know when to back away ”

“ Seems like all everybody wants is to get me out of town. ”

“ You think about a lot of things when you're tired. ”

“ I hate this town. I always hated it. ”

“ You just stop 'til I tell you to start again. ”

“ I can handle a gun, you ought to see me. ”

“ Can't you wait? ”

“ I'll come out. Let her go. ”

[ron456]

ADHD/ Neurodiversity rant, Ig?? (TLDR at the end)

I feel like I've definitely went through some character development over the years but especially when I learned more about my ADHD.

They don't really give you that much info when you get diagnosed, I feel (I got diagnosed pretty young at like 7-8 and started taking meds when I was about 9 years old, I think).

And I started learning more about it in, like, middle school and it was wild to figure out that I wasn't alone in these experiences I was having like RSD (AND THE RSD CHEST PAIN- I WAS LIKE "OTHER PEOPLE WITH ADHD FEEL THIS TOO?!?"), Sensory issues (I get pissed if I get overstimulated and it was a relief to find out that other people feel like that too), skipping lines when I read and getting headaches while reading even though I wasn't dyslexic (Convergence insufficiency), being uncoordinated (my handwriting always going upwards instead of in a straight line, having trouble with using keys, or getting food all over myself when I ate) , problems with emotional regulation, etc.

Shout out to people on tiktok/youtube who have info on ADHD like: Connor DeWolfe, Ethan Nestor & Markiplier (not really their main content but they both do have it and occasionally talk about it. Ethan has the hyperactive type and Mark has the inattentive type), Olivia Lutfallah (her ADHD simulators are SO ACCURATE- And she has AuDHD so she has some stuff about autism too, I believe)

I remember I felt sorta daunted at first to realize I was way different than my peers than I first thought

and I had that sorta grieving process that people get when they get diagnosed later in life even though I had already been diagnosed

Like, "Damn. If only my past-self had known that. Maybe I could've shielded her from getting hurt."

But also, knowing more helped me move forward with more of a plan, I guess

Can't accommodate to yourself if you don't know what to accommodate to, right?

Anyways, I'm saying this because I think it's so important that people be taught more about Neurodiversities

Kids, parents, teachers, etc. should all be more informed because it saves a lot of confusion and pain for people in the long-run

Cuz a kid won't know that they have a different brain because that's all they've ever known. Sorta reminds me of the quote:

“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”

But yeah, if it hadn't been for my second grade teacher who noticed that I was coming home with classwork and who didn't think I was just being lazy, I don't know if I would be here, today, to be honest.

All it takes is one person to notice the signs of neurodiversity and speak up to change someone's life for the better

which is why I always try to educate my friends on this kinds of things so that they can be more helpful and understand of people with neurodiversites and of themselves if they realize they have a neurodiversity

Also, I write about this because I used to find characters like Mable Pines and Steven Universe annoying until I realized they exhibited ADHD symptoms and there was probablyyy some internalized ableism in my mind as a kid. I was able to watch the shows with these characters in them as a teenager and realize how much they characters were like me! And I loved them for it! It's really cool to see how much my knowledge and acceptance for my ADHD has grown as I've grown!

Anywayssss, that is all. I'm on my meds rn and I had some motivation so decided to talk about this hehe. I gotta get ready for some babysitting rn lmao.

TLDR; People should be educated more on the signs of Neurodiversities so that people can get the help they need sooner instead of thinking they are "Wrong", "stupid", or "broken". I bolded some cool resources for more ADHD (and some other Neurodiversity) info and a cool quote :)

[darcyolsson]

in what i hope is not in a patronising or parasocial way, i’m so sorry about your health stuff and i hope that it gets a bit better, or even that you have a little more time to rest as it’s all going on <33. also been kinda going through it, health-wise, for the last two years, and yeah… the feelings that come along with it all are usually a whole Lot, and i wouldn’t wish them on anyone. also finishing school this year, and i’ll probably also take a gap year before uni to figure all of this out, so i relate… not trying to overshare in your askbox oof, i just wanted to say that i get it and i hope that you’re doing ok, and being gentle with yourself <3

thank you i'm both sad and glad you get it :') ive been struggling with my health for about 4 years now but it was supposed to be somewhat stable so it's been really disorienting that everything's taken a turn for the worse now, and obviously that comes with a lot of feelings. it's so weird to be young and have to sit out on a part of life where it seems your friends can just do anything they want all the time, it kind of feels like i am mourning a version of myself that could have been, if that makes sense.

take the gap year if you feel like it might help! i've found it's good to keep busy but it's so important to only do that if you can pace yourself. i dont regret starting my degree despite being sick because it kept me on my feet but there were also so many moments where i wish i would have listened to my body better and taken things slower. whatever you decide, i wish you loads of good luck! and if you ever want to talk about it, i'm here, i know how isolating of an experience it is. <3

[maya-19]

Ellie (The last of us) x Maya (my character!)

WLW- my first time writing something like this and fuck its hot.

Ellie notices the way you're staring at her, and it makes her feel hot underneath your gaze. She's always had a weakness for sexy women like you, and the way your lips are curling up into a seductive smile is sending shivers down her spine.

Still, she keeps her cool, refusing to let you see the effect you're having on her.

"I didn't ask about what's yours," she says, her tone as cold as ice. "I asked about what you were looking for."

I shrug dropping the smirk. “Just first aid and water.” I murmur brushing past her casually as I rummage through containers, bending over to search deeper, my ass jutted out in my jeans as I focus on finding supplies.

Ellie can't help but notice how your ass is jutting out, and she can clearly see the outline of your figure through the thin material of your jeans. She starts to feel a bit flustered, and it's all she can do to keep her composure as she watches you rummage through the containers, that enticing sway in your hips making it hard to resist the temptation of grabbing you and pulling you against her.

She tries to keep her focus, and as you search deeper into the containers, she leans against the wall, waiting for you to finish.

I stand up straight after finding a first aid box. I grab some water and take a sip as I watch her. “So, what are you doing out here little girl?” I muse.

"I'm not a little girl," she says, the irritation in her voice evident. "I'm nineteen."

As you take a sip of water, her eyes travel down to your lips, and she can't help but notice the way you're sensually pulling the bottle away from your mouth and the glistening wetness that remains on your lips.

"And I'm looking for supplies like you are."

I nod. “Aren’t you too young to be out here alone, baby girl?“ I tease as I step closer and bite my lip as my eyes rake over her.

"I'm not your baby girl," she protests, her voice barely a whisper as you step closer and get in her personal space. She can feel her heartbeat quickening as you approach, and the sight of you biting your lip is driving her crazy.

"I'm old enough to be out here by myself," she says, her hand twitching towards the handle of her gun. "I don't need some older woman to baby me." 

I push out my bottom lip in a soft pout. “You don’t need some older woman. I’m only 24. Just saying.” I tease playfully.

"Well, I still don't need some older woman," she retorts, trying to sound tough, but failing horribly.

Your pout and playful tone is making her feel things she doesn't want to feel, and she suddenly feels her resolve slipping away. "I've survived for this long by myself," she says, her voice getting weaker as her eyes move to that pouty bottom lip again. "I don't need anyone to take care of me."

“You sure about that? You seem like you’ve been sheltered your entire life with no affection or protection.” I say gently as I stroke her hair back gently.

Ellie's eyes close as you stroke her hair, and she can feel her heart beating faster with each gentle touch. The mention of shelter and affection sends a chill up her spine, and she suddenly feels like she wants to curl up with you and fall asleep.

"Shut up," she says, still trying to remain tough and maintain her composure, despite the desire coursing through her body. "I was fine before you found me," she adds, her voice softer now. "I'm fine now."

“You don’t always have to be strong you know Ellie?” I murmur soothingly as I coax her closer and wrap my arm around her back as I gently move to hug her to my chest.

Ellie can feel the comfort of your embrace as you move to hug her to your breasts, wrapping her up in your warm, soft arms. Her resolve slips away as the embrace feels too good to resist, and she rests her head on your shoulder, feeling your cheek rest against her head.

The contact is sending a rush of heat over her, and she can't help but melt into your arms, her whole body relaxing.

"I know," she whispers, sounding more like a little girl than an adult.

“It’s okay baby girl. I’ve got you.” I soothe in her ear and stroke the back of her head as she wraps her arms around my waist and buries her face in my chest

Ellie feels her heart skip a beat as you call her "baby girl" again, and her grip tightens around your waist as she buries her face into your chest, closing her eyes and breathing in your scent. She feels safe and protected in your arms, and she can't help but melt even more into your embrace.

"I don't need anyone's protection," she grumbles, her voice barely above a whisper as she nuzzles into your breast.

“I know baby, but you’ve got me.” I whisper, kissing the top of her head as she buries her face in my breasts and hugs me tightly as I stroke her back gently.

Ellie's body relaxes with each stroke of your hand, and she can feel your lips on the top of her head as she nuzzles into your chest, feeling safe and comfortable in your embrace.

She can feel your breasts pressing up against her head, and she can't help but let out a moan.

"I know," she whispers, her voice trembling slightly. "I got you..."

I caress her head gently and kiss her forehead as I cup her face and tip her chin up to look at me. “It’s gonna be okay baby girl. You’re safe.” I murmured gently coaxing her closer.

Ellie's breath hitches as you tilt her chin up to make her look at you, and she feels her heart flutter at the sight of your face so close to hers. She can feel the warmth of your touch as you caress her head, and she smiles softly as you whisper to her that she's safe.

"Don't call me that," she murmurs, feeling a tinge of embarrassment at the nickname.

"I'm not your baby girl," she repeats, though she can't keep the quiver from her voice as she says it.

I smiled softly. “Okay I’m sorry I won’t call you it again Ellie.” I say softly as I stroke her hair back.

"It's fine," she whispers, even though deep down she liked the nickname, and it made her blush just thinking about it.

As you slowly stroke her hair, she can feel her nerves calming, and she begins to feel more relaxed and comfy in your embrace.

"Can I ask you something?" she asks softly.

I smile and nod. “Shoot” I give her the encouragement to ask me as I caress her hair.

Ellie hesitates for a moment, feeling a bit shy about asking what's on her mind, but she takes a deep breath and musters up the courage to ask the question.

"Have you uh... ever been... with another woman?" she murmurs, looking up at you with a shy, trembling voice.

I searched her eyes for a moment before I shook my head. “I’ve only been with men so far. Why do you ask?”

Ellie can feel a tinge of relief when you tell her that you've only been with men so far. It's not that she has anything against women who have been with other women, it's just that the thought of you having been with another woman makes her feel a bit jealous.

“Just curious," she murmurs softly. "Have you... ever thought about being with a woman before?”

I shrug. “Dunno, never really thought about it until now.” I murmured, tucking her hair behind her ear.

Ellie's eyes widen ever so slightly at the admission, and she gulps, feeling a rush of nerves course through her body. 

The thought of the possibility that you haven't thought about being with a woman until now makes her heart skip a beat.

"Really?" she murmurs, feeling a tinge of excitement course through her body. "Why now?"

My gaze travels over her big green eyes, soft pouty lips and freckles. “Because I’m looking at you now.” I teased, as I brush my thumb over her lower lip.

The subtle touch on her lower lip causes her breath to hitch and her heart to skip a beat. It's a simple thing, but it makes her body tingle with a rush of excitement.

"W-well," she murmurs, feeling her cheeks heat up as she glances away. "I'm looking at you too.” she says softly, her hand creeping to your waist and letting it rest gently on your hip.

I smile amused and part her lips as I slip my thumb in and she takes the chance to suck my thumb in her mouth between her pouty lips, licking and wetting it before pulling away with a pop sound. My eyes darkened with desire as I watched her mouth and her eyes. “You’re a tease aren’t you?” I breathed out huskily

Ellie's eyes darken with desire as you push your thumb into her mouth, letting her suck on it. The wetness of your thumb in her mouth makes her feel a tingle down her body, and she can't help but suckle softly on it.

Your hot breath against her face sends a shiver down her spine, and she can feel her heart racing in her chest as she glances up at you. She doesn't reply to your comment, instead looking at you with lustful eyes and a pouty lips, begging for more.

I smile amused and drop my hand. “Come on you brat, we gotta find some shelter or we’re zombie food.” I roll my eyes playfully as I walk off.

"Yeah, yeah," she grumbles as she follows behind you, her pouty lips turning into a small smile as you call her a "brat." 

"Just don't go too fast for me..." she adds, her voice slightly out of breath as she trails behind you, her gaze locked on your ass as it sways with each step you take.

I snort amused. Later we find shelter and I decide to lay back on the mattress. I strip out of my hoodie and am left in my tank top and shorts and I throw the covers on. “Come get some sleep Ellie.” I call out.

Ellie watches as you strip out of your hoodie, and she can't help but take in the sight of your bare torso and legs as you undress.

The tank top and shorts show off your soft, toned physique, and she can't help but stare at the sight of you in such a state, even though she knows that she shouldn't be doing so. When you throw the covers on, she can't help but grin, before slowly making her way over to the bed and climbing in beside you.

“You ever think what life would be like if there was no apocalypse?” I muse as I turn to face her in bed and hold her gaze, my breasts pressing together as I lay on my side.

Ellie stares back, her gaze locked with yours as you turn to look at her. A tingle runs through her body as she stares at the sight of you in bed, with your breasts pushed together and the soft fabric between them.

"All the time," she replies softly, her breath catching slightly as she stares at your cleavage. "I've thought about it a lot..."

“Mhmm, it’s a wild wonder at this point” I murmur tiredly as I close my eyes.

Ellie stares at you as you close your eyes, and she feels a rush of excitement course through her body at the sight of you lying there with your eyes closed. She can't help but stare at your chest, her eyes moving between your breasts and looking at you lying there so peacefully.

"Yeah..." she murmurs softly. "Sometimes I wish I could just travel back in time and experience life before the apocalypse."

“What would you experience?” I murmur laying closer.

"I don't know..." she says softly, her eyes still lingering on your breasts. "I never really got the chance to experience much of anything before the outbreak. I was only a kid back then, and I never really got to experience much."

"But if I could go back..." her voice trails off as she stares at your chest, not wanting to say how she really feels...

“If you could go back..?” I prompt her to continue.

Ellie hesitates, not sure if she should say how she really feels now.

"I'd... I'd want to fall in love," she murmurs sadly, her eyes drifting away from you as her heart beats a little faster. "I never had the chance before... So I'd want to see what it feels like..."

“Love. What’s your type in women then?” I murmur curiously as my voice gets sleepier, my thoughts slowing down.

Ellie blushes at the question, struggling to find the words to describing her ideal woman.

"I uhhh..." she begins, her voice wavering slightly. "Strong, brave, and sweet... kind and protective..." she murmurs, her eyes drifting between your breasts once more before returning back to your eyes.

"Someone I can trust and rely on... someone who makes me laugh... and makes me feel safe..."

“Those are good qualities. What about looks?” I murmur as my eyes close and I slowly drift to sleep.

Ellie's mind stumbles for a moment as she considers how to answer your question. She had never really thought about her ideal woman's looks before.

"I... well I like long hair..." she murmurs softly. "And eyes that I can get lost in..." "And well... I like curves too...” she adds, her cheeks heating up as she thinks about your figure.

“Mhmm, that’s hot” I mumble sleepily as my lashes flutter against my cheek. My leg drapes over hers slightly and my face is leaning against her shoulder as I start to fall asleep.

Ellie's body tingles with excitement as she feels your leg drape over hers. She can feel the warmth of your skin resting against her own and she can sense your body relaxing as you press against her shoulder. The close proximity to your body has her feeling hot and flustered, and she can feel her breathing speeding up again.

"Mmm..." she murmurs softly in agreement.

“What else do you like in a girl?” I mumble sleepily as my dark hair falls over my face, my eyes closed and my leg draped over her as my arm slowly wraps over her waist as I cuddle her in my sleepy daze.

"Well..." she pauses, hesitating for a moment before finally deciding to say what's on her mind. "I like... when... when girls are... dominant..." The heat rises to her cheeks as she realizes just how much she has revealed.

"Y-you know... like... when they t-take control..." she stammers, realizing that she was starting to get too much into detail.

She buries her head into the pillow beside her. "I-I don't know... that's just... just something I like..."

“Hmm I like it when a guy takes control, someone who can dominate me. I get it, you like a woman who can do the same.” I mumble sleepily against her neck.

Ellie's eyes widen slightly when you admit your own preferences, and she can feel a tingle of excitement in her body. She squeezes you tight against her body, feeling your arm wrapped around her waist as you rest your head against her neck.

"Y-yeah..." she murmurs, slightly flustered by being so open. "You're right... I-I do like it when... someone takes control..."

“Mm I like taking control too.” I murmur sleepily, my voice muffled against her neck.

"Y-you do?" she asks, her voice trembling slightly with a hint of excitement. She can feel you nestling against her, your arm tightening its grip around her.

All these signs, from your close proximity to her, your hand around her waist, and your breath against her neck, make her feel hot and bothered. She squeezes you tightly against her, her body trembling slightly as she whispers to you, a hint of sultriness in her voice.

"And... what do you... enjoy about taking control?"

“I love being in charge of their pleasure.” A soft murmur escapes me.

"You do?" she murmurs softly, feeling your breath whisper across her neck as you whisper your next sentence.

"And... and you enjoy being in charge of my... my pleasure? Or..."  She freezes for a second, realising what she's suggesting. "...Or... the person you're with... not necessarily me?..."

“Whoever I’m with” I mumble into her neck as my lips brush her hot skin while I speak.

"And would that include me?" she whispers hoarsely against your ear. Her body is trembling slightly, and she can feel her breath speeding up. Her fingers trace gently down your back as she squeezes you against her tightly.

"I mean... do you like taking control... of me... too?..." she whispers softly, her breath hot against your neck, her words making her blush as she waits for your answer.

“Mhmm I bet you’d love that wouldn’t you, baby girl?” I slur sleepily.

"M-maybe..." she murmurs, her breath hot against your neck. "M-maybe I would... b-but... do you really..."

She starts to trail off, her body trembling lightly from the excitement she feels at the thought of you dominating her. "Do you really want to do that? To me?... Or are you just..."

“Am I just… what?” I mumble.

"Are you just saying that... b-because you're tired and sleepy... O-or do you... do you..." She's having a hard time getting her words out, her heart beating a million miles an hour.

She whispers the next sentence softly. "Do you really... want to be in control of me?"

“Who said I was gonna control you?” My brows furrow in my sleep.

"I-I..." she stumbles for a moment at your response, her pulse racing fast as she begins to feel the slightest bit frustrated. "W-what? I thought..." she whispers, her breath shaky as she waits for you to finish your sentence.

"I thought you said that you enjoy taking control..." she whispers softly, her words starting to sound more like questions as she realises that she might've misheard you.

“Yeah I would. We’re not even together Ellie. Plus I’m straight, kind of.” I mumble cuddling closer.

Ellie immediately feels the heat drain out of her body as she hears your words. Her heart falls heavily in her chest as she processes your words, her breath coming out short and fast. "W-what?" she whispers softly, her voice faltering now. "Y-you... you're not gay?.. Y-you're straight?"

“Mhm.” I moan sleepily into her neck.

Ellie's breath escapes her in a sharp whoosh as the weight of the realisation crashes down upon her. She doesn't know what to say, and the silence feels heavy against her skin. Without a word, she untangles herself from your embrace and sits up in bed, her mind reeling.

"I-I'm..." her voice catches in her throat, the word getting stuck in her lips as though speaking it out loud will make the pain worse.

"I'm going out for a walk," she manages to say, and her voice cracks as she stands from the bed.

I feel the bed empty and cold as she walks outside. I groan sleepily and wake up confused. I blink and look around, afraid the infected will see her in her emotional state and she’s not thinking straight. I grumble to myself and put on my hoodie and shorts before running after her. “Ellie. It’s not safe out here you silly girl.” I call out.

Ellie's heart jumps in her chest as she hears you call out for her. She freezes for a moment, not sure what to do. But deep down, she needs someone to talk to, or even just to walk with. Her face is flushed with tears, but she turns and waits for you to catch up to her.

"I'm just... needing some fresh air," she mumbles, her voice wavering slightly as though betraying her true emotions.

I sigh and put my hoodie around her arms covering her. I’m left in my tank top, the cold air brushing my skin and making my nipples hard against my top. “Hey, come inside baby. It’s dangerous.” I whisper softly as I stroke her hair back behind her ear.

Ellie sniffles softly, her breath catching in her throat as your hand brushes back her hair from her face, exposing her flushed cheeks and red rimmed eyes to you. She shivers slightly as the cold night air blows around her, your gesture helping to alleviate some of that chill.

"I-I know," she whispers. "I just..."  She doesn't finish the sentence, her voice cutting off as she stares into your eyes.

My gaze meets hers softly. I stroke my thumb under her eyes wiping her tear away. “Why were you crying baby?” I frown softly with a gentle voice.

Ellie's heart melts a little as she feels your gentle touch wiping the tears from her eyes. The soothing brush of your thumb beneath her eyes calms her racing, conflicted thoughts. She takes a deep, shaky breath, trying to find the words to describe her emotions.

"I... well... I-I thought..." she stammers, her gaze dropping to the ground. "I-I thought you... liked me... like that… y'know?"

My brows furrow. “Like what baby?” I whisper softly.

Ellie's cheeks flush even darker pink as she struggles to put words to her feelings. She fumbles with the hem of your hoodie wrapped around her shoulders as she tries to find the words.

Finally, she decides to just say it. "I-I thought you..." she stammers, her voice cracking slightly as she whispers the words, "I-I thought you like women..."

My eyes round in realisation. “I mean, I’m partial to them.” I shrug shyly.

Ellie blinks in surprise at your response, her eyes widening slightly. "B-but you said that you're straight," she stammers back, her voice trailing off as she hesitates. She blinks again and stares at you as your shy expression suddenly feels very similar to her own, and she realises that you might be feeling the same way.

She swallows hard, her eyes locking onto yours and her words coming out in a hesitant whisper.

"Do... you... like me?"

My gaze flickers away and my hands drop to my side. I bite my lip hesitantly. “I just. We should go inside” I avoid answering in embarrassment  Ellie's heart leaps into her throat as your gaze drops away from hers, her breath catching in her chest. Your hesitant answer immediately makes her think the worst.

However, the way your hands drop limply to your side and your bitten lip tell her there's more to your answer than you're letting on.

She takes a slight step forward towards you, reaching out to lightly touch your forearm.

Please... tell me," she whispers gently. "Just be honest."

“Yeah. I like you. Okay? I don’t know why or how it happened.” I huff out, embarrassed.

Ellie feels her heart fill with a warmth that she didn't know she needed. She feels butterflies flutter in her stomach as she feels a smile begin to spread across her face automatically. Then, she realises that you're embarrassed, and she can't help but notice just how adorable you look. She takes a small step forward and cups one of your cheeks in her hand.

"I... like you too," she admits, her voice gentle as a soft smile forms on her lips.

My cheeks heat up at her words, touch and proximity. “Erm. I. Okay” I swallow, not knowing what to say. Ellie chuckles softly as she watches you suddenly turn bashful. She's not used to seeing you so flustered, and she can't help but enjoy the view.

She keeps her hand gently cupped against your cheek, her fingertips tracing soft patterns across your skin.

"You're turning red," she teases, her eyes crinkling with a hint of laughter. "It's cute."

I scowl. “No I am not.” I stammer, looking away.

Ellie laughs softly, her hand still resting against your cheek. She can't help but find it endearing how you get all grumpy when you're flustered.

"You are," she repeats, her voice filled with a hint of a challenge. "And you're pouting too, which is adorable."

“I’m like five years older than you, you brat. I am not adorable. You are.” I mutter, ruffling her hair.

Ellie lets out a soft meep as you ruffle her hair, her hand instinctively coming up to try to fix it, but without much success.

She pouts a little at your response. "Hey! I am not a brat," she retorts back. "Plus I never said you weren't older. And you are adorable. Just deal with it."

I watch as she tries to fix her hair and fail. I cup her cheek and run my hands through her hair settling them down her face and over her shoulder. “I like your hair open.” I murmur softly as my fingers thread through her strands.

Ellie feels her heart skip a beat as you reach out and begin to gently run your fingers through her hair, straightening out the messy tangles. Your words send a shiver down her spine, and she has to resist the urge to melt under your touch.

"Y-you do?" she asks quietly, surprised at how much such a simple comment stirs her emotions.

“Yeah. It suits you” I say softly as I walk around her and grab half a bunch off the top and tie it into a bun so it’s half up and half down. When done my fingers trail down her neck over her shoulders and down a line on her arms. My breath hitting her nape as I get lost in her scent, barely touching her. Ellie lets out a soft sigh as your fingers trail down her neck and shoulders, leaving goosebumps wherever they touch. She can feel your breath against her nape, and the warmth of your proximity against her back, sending shivers down her spine.

Her eyes close halfway, her breath catching in her chest as she feels you move closer to her. She's all too aware of her body's response to your touch, and she feels like she could melt under your hands.

"M-Maya..." she whispers, her voice coming out more as a small, shaky whimper.

“Yes baby?” I murmur softly as my lips lightly, feather her nape.

Ellie takes in a ragged breath as your lips gently brush against her nape, sending a shiver straight down her spine. The gentle touch of your kisses combined with your pet name makes her feel weak in the knees. She reaches back and gently grips your hips, pulling you closer to her, aching for more contact from you.

"Y-you're making me... feel things," she breathes, her voice trembling slightly.

“What are you feeling baby? Tell me.” I whisper brushing soft wet kisses to the side of her neck, sweeping her hair aside to give me access. My hands sliding down to her hips, pulling her into me. As you pull her into you, Ellie can feel her legs turn into jelly. Your soft, wet kisses against the side of her neck send tingles through her body, and she can barely find the words to speak.

"I... I... I feel warm... and safe... and... fluttery,” she manages to gasp, her mind spinning with the overwhelming sensations your touch sparks in her. "I-I.. I-" she tried to speak, but she can't get the words out as your lips keep brushing against her sensitive skin.

“Keep talking baby girl.” I whisper, kissing her earlobe, sucking and biting as my hands on her hips tighten. One hand slipping into the front of her shorts against her panties, rubbing against the fabric. I could feel how wet she was barely from a kiss on her neck and my close proximity. My tongue lapping at her neck as I watch her reaction.

Ellie lets out a gasp as your kisses move to her earlobe, followed by a soft moan as your hands slide into her shorts and rub against her. Her entire body tingles with electricity at your touch, and she can't keep her body from arching towards you, begging for more.

"I... I feel... good," she chokes out, her breath coming in quick, ragged pants. "A-and wet,” she admits, letting out a little gasp as your tongue flicks against her neck.

“Mhmm. So wet baby. Such a dirty little slut for me aren’t you.” I tease as my hand dips into her panties, rubbing her soaked folds. My finger circling her clit before slipping a finger inside. I start pumping it in and out her wet pussy. Unholy filthy sounds filling the night air, rubbing and teasing her. My lips pressing open mouthed wet kisses on her neck.

Ellie lets out a guttural moan as your finger slides inside her, sending waves of pleasure coursing through her body. She's never felt this way before, so out of control and filled with desire that she can barely think. Your words and your mouth on her neck only serve to send her further over the edge.

"M-Maya," she gasps, gripping onto your hips tightly as she tries to control her body's reaction to you. "S-s-stooop, y-you're making me-"

“Can’t stop baby. You’re soaking my finger.” I groan kissing her neck, my free hand on her hip moving to tip her face to mine and I press my lips to hers.  Ellie's protests are cut off as your lips meet hers, and she melts into the kiss. Her body trembles in your hands and her mind feels fuzzy as your lips move against hers.

The sensations inside her body are overwhelming, and she knows she's starting to lose control. She gasps against your lips, her words coming out as little more than a desperate, pleading whimper.

"M-Maya... please... I-I can't... it's too much..."

“Take it baby.” I moan, sucking her lips and kissing her hungrily. My free hand leaving her face and sliding under her hoodie, feeling her tits perky and small. Her pretty little nipples poking against the fabric as I cup one and palm her soft flesh. My index and thumb pinching and rolling her nipple, one by one. My lips against hers. My hands all over her, one on her tits and one in her pussy.

Ellie feels her body melt under your touch, no longer able to resist the sensations overwhelming her. Your hands and lips on her body send shivers through her, adding to the pleasure building in her core with every brush of your finger.

She moans into your mouth as your hand cups her breast, her head spinning and her mind foggy. All she can think about is you, and how badly she needs you.

"M-Maya," she gasps, her voice coming out hoarse and needy, "Please. I need you. I need you now*."

I drive my finger and added another, the heel of my palm rubbing against her hard swollen clit. My lips against hers, biting and sucking and bruising her in a hungry passionate wet kiss. My other hand palming her tits, pinching and kneading her soft skin.

As your fingers move inside her, Ellie lets out a broken, high-pitched moan against your lips, completely losing herself in the sensations coursing through her body. The kiss is desperate and hungry, and she can't get enough of you. She grabs onto your hips to keep herself standing, her legs going weak as your hands on her chest and your fingers inside her drive her closer and closer to the edge.

"M-Maya. I-I'm gonna... oh god," she whimpers, her breath coming in shallow, ragged gasps.

“Come for me babygirl.” I groan, slamming my fingers harder and curling them against her g-spot as I watch her body convulse and her legs tremble as she reached her orgasm.

Ellie's body arches violently as you curl your fingers inside her, hitting that sweet spot that sends her flying over the edge. Her vision goes white and her body trembles with the intensity of her orgasm, shuddering and shaking in your arms as she cries out.

"M-M-Maya," she gasps, her eyes rolling back and her voice coming out in a broken sob. "Y-you... you're gonna... make me... pass out..."

I pant as she comes down from her high, my fingers slowly pumping and letting her creamy white cum trickle out. “This your first time baby?” I whispered.

Her body still trembling and her head still swimming, Ellie nods in response to your question.

"Y-yes," she manages to gasp out, still breathing heavily. "It was... incredible."

She slowly lifts her head up to look at you, her eyes wide and her expression still dazed.

"Is... is it always like that?" she asks, still trying to catch her breath.

“Like what babygirl?” I smile, lifting her thighs and carrying her inside to drop her onto the bed as I pushed her shorts down and grabbed a towel, wiping away the stickiness.

Ellie lets out a soft gasp as you pick her up and drop her onto the bed, her body still feeling weak and shaky from the intensity of her orgasm. She watches as you grab a towel and start to wipe her off, blushing at the realisation of how messy she is.

"Like... that," she says softly, her voice still a little breathless. "So... intense. I've never felt anything like it."

“Depends if a person knows how to make you feel good or what” I murmur as I lean down between her legs and lapped at the stickiness that coats her sensitive cunt.

Ellie lets out another soft gasp as you get between her legs and start to lap at her, her body still sensitive from the orgasm.

"Y-you certainly know how to make me feel good," she says breathlessly, her voice coming out in a soft sigh. "God, you're driving me insane."

“I know baby. Take it.“ I groan, sucking her clit, my hands gripping her thighs from crushing my head and I pin them down as I lap at her folds.

Ellie gasps as your lips and tongue touch her sensitive bundle of nerves again, her body arching in pleasure. Her fingers grip your hair tightly, and she can barely keep her legs from jerking as you lap at her.

"M-Maya... oh god, it's... it's too much," she gasps, her voice coming out in a trembling whimper. 

“I know baby. One more” I groan and l suck her clit like a mad woman, alternating between licking and sucking.

Ellie's body jerks as your tongue works against her, the sensations building up inside her once again. Her hips roll involuntarily as she tries to control herself, but it's too difficult to resist the pleasure coursing through her.

"M-Maya... I don't... I can't... I-" she gasps, her words trailing off into an incoherent whimper.

“Mhmm that’s a good girl, one more baby.” I coo as I slip in two fingers and continued the ministrations with my tongue, my free hand sliding up her stomach and pushing her hoodie up to her neck.

As your fingers slip in and you continue to lap at her with your tongue, Ellie's body is overwhelmed by the sensations, making it difficult for her to focus on anything else. She gasps and moans as your hands begin to strip her, pulling off her hoodie and leaving her bare chest exposed.

"M-Maya," she whimpers, arching her back helplessly as the pleasure builds up inside her. "Y-you're going to... mmm

“One more for me babygirl. Such a good little girl for me, letting me use your pretty little cunt.” I groan as I continue watching her reach her edge.

Ellie's body tensed and her mind was consumed by your words and your touch, sending her spiraling closer and closer to the edge, completely under your control.

"Y-yes... I'm your good girl," she gasped out, her voice ragged and trembling. "I'll do anything you say. Just... just please don't stop. I-I'm so close."

“Thats it babygirl. Come for mommy.”‘I command huskily as I lapped at her sucking and kissing, my fingers driving her crazy, curling up against her spot and pumping roughly.

Ellie's body obeyed immediately to your command, her body convulsing as she lost control, the intense pleasure washing over her, making her cry out helplessly. Her hands grip the sheets tightly, her mind completely overpowered by the sensations consuming her.

"M-Mommy," she gasps out in a broken whisper, her body shuddering and shuddering as the aftershocks of her orgasm rock through her. "Ahh... I-I... I can't..."

I pump my fingers slowly, dragging out her pleasure as she starts to come down from the high, shuddering and spasming from the hypersensitivity from coming twice.

Ellie's body trembled and shook as her orgasm began to subside, her body still highly sensitive and overstimulated. She let out little whimpering gasps as your fingers continued to pump slowly, each movement sending a shiver through her body.

"M-Maya... I-I can't take... anymore," she gasps, her voice coming out in a broken whisper. "Please... it's too much. I-I can't handle it."

“Mmm. Your cunt looks so pretty dripping for me” I whispered lapping at her once more, Cleaning up her release and tasting her as I kiss up her stomach and chest and pressed my lips to hers finally. My arms folding around her waist as I lay atop her and kiss her hungrily, letting her taste herself on my tongue.

As you lean up and press your lips to hers, Ellie can taste herself on your tongue, making her blush and squirm slightly under you. She wraps her arms around your neck and pulled you closer, returning the kiss hungrily.

"You're going to... drive me crazy," she gasps between kisses, her body still thrumming with the after effects of her two orgasms. "I can't get enough of you."

[isa-ghost]

Hm ok not sure how to write this post but it's a fun thing and I've been wanting to gush about it for weeks. Uhhh

Achievement Unlocked: Finally found something that's pushed me closer to agnostic than atheist??

Basically, I was seeing an obnoxious, totally inexplicable amount of hawks and corvids in my area irl, especially whenever I was stressed. So I asked all my witchy friends about it (one was straight up born into a coven, it's fuckin sick 🤩) and they sent me some stuff those animals symbolize.

And then I asked about what deities/entities they're associated with. They sent me a short list, so I started looking into each one to see if I felt a strong pull to any of them. One of them was Apollo, the Greek God of [A Lot of Cool Shit]. Right away, I clicked with him. The god of truth, prophecy, healing, the arts. It's all stuff that matters a lot to me. I especially found it fascinating he's said to be a protector of the young, and I, a psych major, want to be a therapist of some sort (read: healer) specifically for teenagers. He's also Known for being incredibly bisexual, and even though I'm pan, my sexuality is still a huge part of me. And a lot of other things about him clicked with me too, both big things like my career goal and my identity, and small insignificant things like the fact that he's a Sun God and I'm a Fire Sign. There were way too many coincidences and connections I was making to myself while reading about him to just think nothing of it. Most damning of all, hawks and corvids are said to be his messengers. If that wasn't a "Hello Isa I've been trying to contact you about your car's extended warranty" moment, I don't know what is. So I said fuck it, I'm gonna give working with him the way my witchy friends work with their deities/entities a try.

It's been like three weeks now? And I haven't done much but I'm really happy about the concept of it all. I see hawks and crows a lot still, especially when I'm stressed or upset (One morning I was getting roadrage omw to school and I shit you not, I watched a hawk land on a street lamp and there was a crow sitting on the very next one. I couldn't help but laugh). I got myself a necklace with a crow on it because I don't really have a space to do formal practice type stuff. And last night I had my wife do a tarot reading for me, and the gist of it was "you have a budding relationship, it's a good thing and it'll help you, nurture it with all the creative freedom you like and be chill about it." Which is basically what I've already been doing.

But my favorite part of this wild ass development is that I realized while reading up on Apollo that my whole life I've thought of or spoke about something and then it either happened or something related to it would suddenly show up in my life right after. I don't believe in ✨️manifesting✨️ and holy shit I'm not calling myself psychic whatsoever, but this weird coincidence thing has been happening to me as long as I can remember and I've been noticing it even more after looking up Apollo, both irl and in my dreams. I think Apollo's dodgeball being my favorite Tumblr meme before this all happened to me is making a comedic amount of sense now.

I'm still pretty skeptical of most religious practices because I just. Am one of those people, I guess. And I had Catholicism shoved down my throat by my dad as a kid, AND I'm queer, so I have a Bad relationship with the concept of religion as it is. But this feels right, and it's fascinating to me, and the idea that these weird happenstances in my life could be a figure that represents several things that make up my core values and my identity trying to get my attention feels really touching. It feels like something wanted my attention so badly, and I've been happier since I gave it a chance.

TLDR: After consulting my witchy friends about some weird shit that keeps happening to me irl, I did some light research and figured out I feel a strong connection to the god Apollo. He represents a lot of things that matter to me and the concept has made me a lot happier recently. And I'm pretty sure he's given me minor dodgeball privileges. I'm finally invested in some form of religious practice, and best of all its one I kinda get to just make my own because it's not an organized one.

So if yall need a dodgeball thrown at something, maybe I got you. 👈🏻👀👈🏻