#I know I leave the old she/her I’ve been stuck with my whole life as an option bc it’s exhausting having to explain the agender thing

[yaminerua]

Seeing/hearing people use your correct pronouns is such a buzz;;; it’s such a lift;; gender euphoria beam straight to the heart;; I wish that feeling for everyone;;;

I wish everyone (especially those with pronouns people are Weird about) a very ✨💕People Using Your Pronouns Correctly💕✨

[lunajay33]

It’s You❤️‍🔥

Summary: You went along with Bella to Italy to save Edward, but when you get there things go unexpectedly and you become mate to the strongest Volturi guard

Pairing: Felix x human female reader

•Masterlist•

Moving into your uncles house a year ago to help him with daily chores and just keeping him company was a nice change from the hot dry weather I was use to when I lived with my mom before she passed, another reason Charlie had to take me in which I was incredibly grateful for, then a few months after I moved in my cousin Bella moved back from Arizona and she became very secretive, I swear some nights I’d hear two voices coming through our shared wall, whenever I tried to question her about it but she’d always brush me off just saying she was up late talking to her mom on the phone

Eventually I got fed up with all the secrets and the way she was treating me like I wasn’t even in her life, so on a rare sunny day I decided to go over to the cullens house, basically Bella’s second home, I pulled up into the drive way amazed by how gorgeous this house was, sure Carlisle was a doctor but this had to be old money to get a house like this around this area

I got out of my old car and knocked three times against the door, after a while and a few faint angry whispers Bella finally opened the door which I find odd since this isn’t her house

“Y/n what are you doing here? You shouldn’t be here”

“I’ve had enough of the secrets and how you’ve treated me, we’re family Bella and I’m alone here I just want to be close again like we were as kids”

“Well we’re not kids anymore y/n I have my own life” she said a hint of anger laced with worry in her voice

“I’m not asking for your attention 24/7 I just want a friend” I said upset as I fiddled with my fingers

“Okay im sorry im just stressed, ill make a better effort”

And after that we spent a bit more time together, then Edward left, him and his whole family just up and left leaving Bella in a deep despair, her sorrowful shrieking screams at night draining me and Charlie, and the worst was I didn’t know how to help, I tried getting her out of the house or even just sitting in the living room with her to keep her company but I could still see how broken she was

After months and her seeing Jacob she slowly started to get better, one night I was up in my room reading when a commotion broke out downstairs, I ran down seeing Bella, Jake and Alice arguing in the kitchen

“What the hell is going on?” But before anyone answered Alice spoke

“Bella it’s Edward, Rosalie told him why I came, he thinks he’s dead, he wants to die too” everything was moving so fast, Bella and Alice were running out to her car and I was still in the dark with everything

“Bella what’s going on you’re scaring me” I said looking through the car window

“I can’t explain I have to go”

“Well you’re not going without me, I’ve stuck with you through this and I’m not leaving now” I said matter of factly hopping in the back, Alice gave Bella a wary look before she speed off to the airport, having no clue where we were going until we landed, when Alice finally told me we were in Italy, the scenery zooming past as she drove through town after town until we came upon a old castle town, swerving through a crowd all dressed in robes, Bella went running off and Alice found somewhere to park as we too started making our way through the crowd on foot now

“Alice you still haven’t told me what’s going on” she gave me a gentle smile as we came upon the castle

“You’ll find out soon enough, all I can say is that your life is about to change” her words sent nervous butterflies fluttering in my belly

With what must have been a surge of adrenaline Alice broke the lock on the castle door and we entered feeling the cold air breeze over me, cooling me down from the hot Italian heat

Seeing Edward with Bella and he looked dreadful and just behind them a shorter blonde man with piercing ruby red eyes, accompanied by a very tall man and as my eyes gazed over his body from his feet all the way up to his eyes my world stopped, I felt this pull to him like I’ve never felt before, a man I don’t know had this hold on me that I never wanted to get out of, our eyes never looking away from eachother until a smaller girl broke our trance

“Aro sent me to see what was taking so long”

“I won’t be needing your assistance anymore”

“Never the less aro would like a word”

Alice squeezed my shoulder reassuringly as we all followed the blonde girl into a now crammed elevator, with the lack of space my back was pressed up against the tall beautiful man with the ruby eyes

As my adrenaline finally faded away I was left with the realization that I have no idea what I’ve gotten myself into, Alice’s super strength, the ruby eyes of the strangers around me, the secrecy , it was finally scaring me feeling my heart beat so hard I could hear it and if on air a big hand gently rubbed up and down my back slowly settling my nerves, normally having a strange man touch me would have me running for the hills but there was just something about this ethereal man that I don’t even know the name of, that soothed my soul, like nothing bad could ever happen as long as I’m by his side

The elevator stopped with a ding, opening to reveal a long stone hallway with torches perched on the walls, giving a very eerie vibe to the whole situation, his hand still on my lower back leading me in the direction everyone else was walking til we got to these big doors that his touch went away making me whine for some reason

The little blonde girl pushed open the huge doors effortlessly to show a gorgeous marble room with three thrones with three men sat upon them

“Sister they send you out for two and you come back with two and a two half’s” a younger guy said as the blonde girl went and stood by his side

“Ahhhh Bella is alive fantastic” on of the three men stated standing infront of us

“And who is this?” He said glancing at me with those similar ruby eyes

“It seems one of our family has found their mate” the other glum man said

“What? Mate? What do you mean? Please just someone tell me what is happening” I asked overwhelmed as my bottom lip wobbled

“Oh dear…..may I?” The enthusiastic man asked as he held out his hand

Confused but I placed mine in his as he stared deep into my eyes

“It seems this beautiful girl doesn’t know a thing about us, she merely came to support her cousin”

“Felix how about you take her to your room and explain everything as we deal with this situation here”

“Yes master” his hand was on my back again as he led me out of the room back into the hallway

“Felix…..I like that name” his name sounded nice, sounded right, he looked down at me with the most loving look I could have ever seen

“And what might your name be mio amore?”

“Y/n…I’m y/n”

“Beautiful, a beautiful name for the most beautiful girl” I’ve never been treated like this before and it had my heart soaring

Finally we made it to a wonderful spacious room, the ceiling high, brown stone walls with red and black accent decor, with a glamorous bed in the corner with red silk sheets

“Sit my darling” he said gesturing to the bed so we sat face to face, he gently took my hands in his like I was made of glass

“What did he mean? Am I your mate? And what does that mean?”

“I’m surprised you haven’t figured it out but……we are vampires and so are the cullens, vampires have mates and some of us are lucky enough to find them, we’d do anything for our mates like I’ll do anything for you, to make you happy and safe”

His words had me frozen……vampires were real? And I’m mated to one, a gorgeous one at that but still this was all so much

“This…..this is a lot to handle Felix, I mean this is all so new to me I’ve never had a relationship before and definitely not with a vampire, sure you’re extremely handsome but I still don’t know what to do” his smile softened then slowly turned into a smirk

“You think I’m handsome little one?” He asked tucking a strand of hair behind my ear making the blood rush to my cheeks

“Of course anyone with eyes can see that”

“You never have to be worried with me, we can take this slowly, I’ve waited forever for you amore, I can wait a little longer until you’re comfortable” his hand caressing my cheek

I felt more relaxed at his words

“So what now? Do I have to go back to forks? If I do we will never see eachother” my heart clenched at the thought

“If your heart desires you can stay here, but only if that’s what you want, because I know my heart couldn’t handle us being apart, but it’s whatever you want tessoro”

“I……I want to be with you Felix, please”

“Then you will stay with my little one” I had the answer to Alice’s words, my life was going to change but all for the better

Comment if you wanna be tagged in this series❤️

Part.2

[grapejuicestyless]

Orange Juice

JJ Maybank x fem!reader

Summery: High school sweethearts, the picture perfect pair whose story crumbled as quickly as it started. All because of a reckless boy and his addictive nature and an emotional girl and her growing tiredness.(warning: Mentions of addiction(alcohol).)

“I need you!” He pleads, words broken and grass stuck to his knees as he stands from his spot on the ground where he lay face down, passed out in the front yard of the chateau once again.

He held her hands in his, pulling at her fingers until her knuckles seemed to stretch at his sheer force and determination to keep her put in place, to keep her with him.

“If that was true you would have stopped!” Her voice was shaky, tears burning into her cheeks and her throat constricting with each choked up breath. Still, she couldn’t look at him in the eyes, the same deep blue eyes that held her youth and captured her heart with nothing more than the twinkle of innocence and play.

She knew if she were to look back she would try to keep fighting it, and as much as she longed to always be there to help, it was obvious her help was nothing more than something that delayed his progress. JJ was his father’s son, whether they admitted it or not. No, he never laid a hand on Y/n’s skin, but when he drank his words shot to kill. He carried the same fire in his soul and a pent up rage that seethed through the cracks in his teeth each time he held a solo cup in his palms.

No amount of comfort or persuasion would stop the boy from sending himself six feet in the ground. He had drank them both dry and Y/n hated to admit that she had lost the fight, she had to throw in the towel. He wouldn’t get better until she was gone, and she knew it, even if he refused to admit that he needed to let the harsh slap of reality to beat him senseless for him to find his feet.

“You know it’s not that simple, baby! Please, tell me you know it, I’m trying, I really am. Please.” He cries, lips trembling all ugly as his nose runs and his cheeks become blotchy. He’s a mess, looks it and smells it too.

His boyish smell of sweet cedar and the sandy beaches covered with vanilla are masked with the stench of whatever he pours into his cup and day old cigarette smoke. His blonde hair isn’t messy in the cute way that he wore it when her hands would ruffle through each lock, but because he hasn’t made it to his bed in days, choosing to pass out somewhere from the front lawn to the living room if he ever makes it that far.

“Don’t bullshit me, Jay. You and me both know it, I’ve tried, and I’ve tried and we’ve wasted all that potential to get better and we’ve fought this before. We win the fight, but what about the war? What about me, the bed I sleep in and the pillow that doesn’t even smell like my fiancé anymore because he prefers to be face down passed out in our lawn!” Y/n rips her hand away from JJ’s like it’s poisonous, a bite that stings and slowly works its way into her blood.

Y/n’s not angry at him, her lover, her sweetheart fiancé. No, how could she ever be when even at his worst she can only ever see the good hidden deep inside of his abusive behaviors and dependence on all the wrong things.

“I’ve been waiting for you to come home for so long, so long JJ and you never come back anymore. You’re too far gone to even remember that theres a warm bed waiting for you.” She cries, eyes closing and head falling into the boy’s shoulder as she sobs out sentences aimlessly.

The worst part is that it’s his own fault. His whole life he tried so hard to finally break free of his family’s name, the bitter memories of his abusive father and absent mother leaving him with a motivation to be better than they ever could have been. Yet, here he is half drunk with the same smell stuck on his breath and some half-assed apology ready to spew out at his lover.

“I’ll get better, for you, I will. I’d do anything for you.” She pulls away, looking at him with big doe eyes and a scrunched up nose. He thinks he finally has a chance to change for a second, to fix all his wrongdoings until she shakes her head, looking down at her feet and stepping away from him.

“No, no. Jay, no.” Wiping her cheeks, Y/n seems to finally let go of the innocence that once masked all of his imperfections.

“Your heart has changed, your soul has changed and you aren’t the man I love anymore.” Watching how she fiddles with the ring on her finger breaks his heart, no it absolutely crushes it. Reality is a sour taste to be swallowed down and JJ just can’t seem to get it down now that it’s all right in front of him.

“And I’ll always love you, and if you ever need me I’ll still be here-“

“No, Y/n/n, no.” He tries to follow her, the ring in his palm burning a circle on his skin. A symbol of their eternal love that seemed to redefine what ‘forever’ really meant.

“But I can’t be the one you rely on anymore, it’s not healthy for you.” She tries to reason with him, but he doesn’t want to hear it, he only wants her to hold him again.

“I love you!” JJ tries to make her see it, how his blood only keeps pumping even when he should be dead by now because in his heart he knows he’ll feel her touch against his forehead in the hot summer mornings and her hips against his in the late afternoons that seemed to always slip away far too quickly.

“You’re not your father, Jay.” She reminds him, making JJ stop in his tracks where he debates whether or not to cry or laugh in relief or anger.

“So thats it?” He decides to be angry even if he really isn’t, even if it’s his own fault for driving the girl away. Even if they both recognize that she needs to go away for some time.

“You’re just going to go ahead and carry on? Leave me here alone like I don’t even matter? What, was I pulling you down? Was it just too much?” He spits it like fire at her heart and she tries not to take it too harshly. Y/n knows he gets mean when he’s tipsy, and the empty bottles hidden in the long grass tell her that he’s well beyond that point now.

“I need you to get better.” She begs quietly, looking down as she speed walks down the old dirt roads that lead to a better part of town. She feels naked without the ring adorned on her finger or the weight of her soul hanging over her shoulders.

Y/n swears she can hear his sobs from across town, the broken cries wondering where his lover went in the late afternoon and the even louder ones in the early morning once the fog clears and he comes to terms with his faults.

It’s all in her head, their friends remind her, and they send her photos of him in the mail to tell her how he’s getting better. But the polaroids become further and farther in between, and soon the eyes she swore she never wanted to leave her life became those of a strangers, a stranger who knew everything there was to know about her.

“I haven’t drank in six months, on the dot.” He leans over the kitchen table, indents from his rings and scratches from pen evident in the wood. His hair is just the same as it was when they first met, a blonde mop of waves that sit perfectly around his tanned face. Only now he doesn’t look so tired and he doesn’t smell so sour.

She can only smile at him, letting the crowd fill in around them and filter out through the door as time passes and the moon sets underneath the horizon. She still thinks about how light her finger feels without the handmade ring on her finger, the promise that was within the bent metal weighing more than any diamond any man could ever buy her.

“Can I get you a drink, to celebrate? Theres orange juice in the kitchen, bought it for our friends. It’s yours if you want it, just glad you could visit.” JJ doesn’t know about the piles of photos she keeps of him, the photos that she never had the heart to unpin in her room in the chateau. He’s acutely aware of the fact his friends had been sending the girl updates, he had even asked them to at some points, just so she wouldn’t carry so much worry and guilt as he put on her all those months ago.

“I’ve missed you.” He says it softly, hoping partly that the faint music and the dying chatter from the outside will drown out his confession of love for the girl in front of him, but the sad smile on her face tells him otherwise.

“Feel’s so empty here without you, like I’ve been waiting for you to come home.” He kicks the splintered wood, hands in his pockets and his eyes darting to the orange juice sat warming on the counter like it was placed there just for him. He knew it was, and he knew who did it too.

But Y/n started to cry before JJ could even begin to thank her for all she has done for him, for sacrificing everything just to see him get better.

Shes blubbering something about regretting how she just up and left him like that, how she keeps his memories with her and still wakes up smiling when she thinks of him in her sleep. But more importantly, she cries about how she doesn’t think that she can ever have him again.

Of course, it’s not her fault that she associates his condition with her. Each relapse happened in her company and each stage was only worsened by her staying. She had to leave for him to get better and now to her, it was evident it was for the best.

JJ knows she’s wrong, but how could she? It’s his own fault for what he’s done to her but it’s really not even his fault. Falling dependent on a substance that only ever caused harm was something he started to do for fun, he never intended to become addicted to it, to become mean. They were both just victims in an incredibly cruel situation.

“It’s like you said, Y/n/n, just like you said. My heart has changed, and my soul has changed, and this town has changed, and this world has changed!” He takes her hands in his, showering her his ring and offering a new beginning to their tangled love story.

“But I have not.” It’s so quiet when she says it, JJ almost misses it. She hesitates, flinching away from the ring and refusing to put it back on for the fear that the reoccurring nightmares she had conveniently left out of his condition would come true again.

“The last time you were drunk you were face down, passed out in our lawn.” She looks at him, closing his fingers around the ring and standing from the table.

“Theres orange juice in the kitchen, bought it for you. It’s yours if you want it, I’m just glad you could visit.” She admits softly, slipping past him as calm as she can keep herself, hoping that he can’t hear the way that her heart cracks with each inhale of air.

He whispers something about still loving her, and even though she never says it back, the fact that she’s just admitted to buying the drink specifically for him with the hopes of him showing up gives JJ hope, a hope that he secretly knows will only leave him more devastated in the long run, but one that keeps him going.

He pours himself a glass of the orange juice later that night, the crowd long gone and empty solo cups scattered along the lawn. The ring in his pocket weighs down his cargo shorts pockets and burns through the fabric to his skin, but deep down he knows that he’s changed, he’s been better.

Like she had told him the day it all came crashing down, he is not his father, so he will try and try until he can mend what he broke and the wound is nothing but a scar left behind to show his strength and resilience.

JJ prefers apple juice over orange juice, but as he takes a sip of the tangy liquid, he decides it tastes sweeter than usual, and he really likes orange juice better than any other drink.

[enmmyheavenscg]

GREETINGS !

Hello everyone, it’s been a while, no?

I’m sorry for the inactivity, but I have not been in the best mental state im afraid.

TW FOR SUI MENTION, CHILD ABUSE [neglect, physical & emotional] , SH, HOSPITALIZATION, HEART ATTACKS & INCEST

Now through out the entire month of June, my mental health has gone downhill. I have shared this a couple times, yes but- I have not shared the full story.

On June 1st, my brother had recently gotten out of the hospital, during the time I had been living with my grandma. My grandma is absolutely horrible- she does nothing but make comments about me aswell as make me uncomfortable.

when my brother had gotten out and I was recently back home, all the attention had been on him- usually, I wouldn’t care and that would make the most sense, Yes but- to completely ignore your own kid- me. It’s the whole family that’s been ignoring me overall, which I don’t even care, it’s been like this my entire life and I hate it.

My mothers behavior hadn’t changed, she had even gotten worst, she’d raise her hand and hurt me- she does not understand how her actions affect me, and after she physically lays her hands on me she acts as if nothing had happened and that everything was normal. Her comments about my body, my health- my everything affects me and she finds it oh so ‘hilarious’ I’ve tried to tell her how I feel and she’s laughed in my face before- I hate this family in everyway.

The worst thing that had happened was when I happened to have a heart attack in call- and she brushed it off like it was nothing- we had also just recently been driving back from the hospital because my brothers stomach was hurting- wow because a kid having a heart attack is less important than a stomach ache-

I don’t mean to be selfish im just ? Angry with her, Angry with the whole world. My body is always in pain yet nobody could ever care, im always suffering . I’ve tried to end it 3 separate times and failed, I’ve relapsed multiple times aswell. I’ve been little so often it makes me feel guilty, Yes I know I’ve said before- ‘there is no such thing as being too little’ but I genuinely want to be big for once- I’ve had to mask being big multiple times and I just hate it, i wanna be a little kid. I want my childhood back. I want my old happy self back, nobody understands me- I don’t even understand me, dude.

June 25th- my brother had been in the hospital again during this time. He’s currently on the day Im writing this (July 10th) out of the hospital! He had been since July 1st. He had been in the hospital for a while during this time but- on June 25th I was heading to my cousins house, Finally. As much as I had fun there I was also extremely

Like- EXTREMELY uncomfortable.

My cousins were there- my cousin who forced me into a relationship with her, made me do uncomfortable things with her was there.. and so was my younger cousin, my younger cousin who would touch me in places I asked her not to, unlike the older cousin, I had genuinely told my mother that my cousin was touching me in places I didn’t want. My mother didn’t believe me, she used to be like ‘oh she’s just a child, she doesn’t know better’ which was just disgusting.

June was just. Absolutely horrible, if I had the chance once again, Id truly end it all. It’s not fair, why does everyone hhab it good but not mme I deserve to be happy, Don’t I?

I’d truly start a fundraiser for myself so I could leave this house but, im stuck here. There is no way in hell I could possibly leave- perhaps when im 18, I’ll have the chance to.

But but- this whole post isn’t about me pitying myself, it is about me taking a break.

I will be going on break Yes, I’ll mostly be on in discord, just won’t be speaking to people much, if you decide to check up on me in discord I’ll probably reply, apologies if not.

I wont be away for long as much as I’ve gone through a lot, I’ll probably take a couple days

I mite take like .. 5 days (on discord and all my social media..) and be back. PLEASE. Please try and reblog this if you can.

Remember to stay safe everyone and that i love you all !

This is Emmy signing off ! Bye bye ! 🩵

[skyfallslayer]

A Stitch In Time || Prologue

-Bucky Barnes x Daughter!Reader-

Series Masterlist

° Series Summary: A Time Heist mission goes wrong, and some of the Avengers end up in the 1950s. Desperately clinging to their lives, they wind up in a place subconsciously. And unfortunately for Steve, and especially to Bucky, they find themselves face to face with someone they wish not to see.

° Chapter Summary: Worried about how his mission may go, Bucky visits a ‘touchy’ place, and recalls the short life he had with you.

° Date: 7/20

° Rating: Teen

° Word Count: 4,569

° Warning: Talks about death/dying; Reference to Suicide; Guilt; Child Abandonment; Talks of Fertility Issues; Alcohol; Allusions to Depression. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!

° A/N: The only excuse I have for taking so long to get this out is because I had an expected mental health break. One that was needed. But I'm back! And I'm slowly updating some of my other stories! So be on the look out for those! Also, let me know if I missed any warnings! Enjoy!

The freshly wetted grass squished underneath his boots with each and every step. His shoulders were slacked, but his wrists were tense as he held the delicate bouquet with both of his hands. He was always nervous to be here, even though he’s done it so many times after finding it, the nervousness never went away. The nausea never stopped too… or the guilt… the fear… the sadness. Nothing ever stopped like he so desperately wanted to. Was this a curse he was stuck with for helping to bring another child into this cruel world?

He reaches the end of his line, just a few short inches away from where his toes could touch the stone; The stone etched with words and numbers that made his heart ache. And when his knees felt weak he lowered himself to the ground, sitting back on his heels. With a bittersweet expression on his features, he removes the old lilies and replaces them with your favorite, pearly white ones. The ones you always smelled like when you came back from playing in the park. Who knew he would miss such a fragrance? 

He takes a deep inhale through his nose, and exhales quietly, gathering his thoughts. “Hey, baby girl. It’s been some… time since I’ve visited. I honestly thought I should wait until your half birthday, but…” He trails off, frowning. “But uh, I’m heading off on another mission tomorrow, a… potentially dangerous one.” He chuckles dryly. “You know the deal with those.”

He pauses like he’s waiting for your answer he knows he won’t get, letting the hot summer wind touch his face and through his chocolate locks. He waited for that as his cue to continue on.

“Uh… so…”

It hurts to even think about it.

“I was just…”

Should he even say it?

“Wondering again if it goes south I can…”

Should he repeat what he always says to your grave?

“Be next to you?”

Another pause, this time it felt more painful. It always hurts to be here. It always hurts to say those words because it wasn’t like he had a death wish, it wasn’t like he was afraid of death, he just… didn’t know if he deserved to be next to you. You were his whole world and he fucked it up. Fucked it up so bad that it makes him more anxious to want to hold you, and hug you, and kiss you, and just talk to you. He loves you. 

He’s loved you since the very beginning.

.

.

.

Bucky would have fallen back in shock if it wasn’t for the small bundle in his arms. His ex-girlfriend had just said some words that he didn’t need to hear right now. Couldn’t even comprehend it.

No, it wasn’t, ‘Can we get back together? I made a mistake’.

No, It wasn’t, ‘The baby isn’t yours’.

No it was–

“What do you mean you’re leaving?” He asked, disbelief etched in his words. There was also an underlying sense of anger and betrayal, because–

She couldn’t be serious...

Right?

He watched the woman standing in front of him roll her eyes, snatching her purse from his living room’s couch while responding, “I don’t want her. I only had her because you wanted to keep the baby after finding out I was pregnant.”

He nearly doubled over when he heard the disgust in her voice. “So you’re just going to leave?” Bucky asked, seeing his ex now putting on her winter coat. “But our daughter needs a mother figu–”

“YOUR daughter.” His ex snapped, poison on her tongue. “That baby–” She points furiously. “That baby is a spitting image of you. All the way from the shape of her face to the way she smiles. Everything. Which is fine by me, I don’t want someone looking like me out in the world.”

Bucky opened his mouth to speak as he followed her behind as she walked towards the front door. Unfortunately, she beats him to it. “As for a mother figure, you’ve got three sisters and a mom. That baby can pick up skills from them.”

She swings the door open, letting in the cold breeze of February. Snowflakes flew in, sticking to her clothes and curly hair. Bucky immediately stood sideways and drew you as far away as he could from the freezing air.

(Was she trying to freeze you?!)

“Dottie!” He called out from the doorway, stopping her on the porch.

She wasn’t even going to look back at him, wasn’t she? Or even look at you? Did she truly not feel anything?

He doesn’t know why but his voice cracked, and although he and his ex’s relationship was always rocky, and they both knew that whatever was between them wasn’t going to work out, he still doesn’t want her to leave him alone with a one week old.

“Come on…” He continued, quietly. “At least stay for a couple months until I can do this on my own.” His lower lip quivered slightly. “Please?”

He felt you shift a bit in his arms, probably from the weather, and waited for her to turn around…

But she never did.

“Goodbye, James.” Dottie said, before trailing across the snow covered path to the sidewalk. 

Bucky watches her disappear into the night, his feet glued to the floor even when part of his mind told him to run after her. It would be a lie if he said that he didn’t want to go after her, thinking that maybe she’ll change her mind if actually begs, but the mere thought went out the door when you started to get fussy and cry.

Something deep within him kicked in, probably that parental instincts he’s heard about from his own parents, and all his attention was turned to you cradled in a lilac colored blanket.

“Hey…” He whispered, readjust his hold so that he could gently brush their–

No.

That’s officially gone out the window. 

It’s just his daughter. His.

He readjust his hold so that he could gently brush HIS daughter’s cheek. To brush your cheek like a soft paint brush across a canvas. “Hey. Don’t cry.” He says, soothingly.

He makes a soft shushing sound as he closes the front door with his hip, before carefully guiding himself to sit near the fireplace. He lays you cautiously in his lap, almost in awe as he sees your eyes peeking open for the first time.

(Y/E/C) eyes. 

So beautiful like the world itself. He almost wanted to start taking pictures.

Maybe later though.

He chuckles sadly, tears in his own as he brushes your cheeks again. “Don’t cry. Don’t cry, I got you.” He said, smiling down. “I got you, baby girl.”

You cooed quietly, staring back at him with a bit of curiosity. The look you were giving him melted his heart, but it also made him feel like he didn’t deserve any of this.

“I’m sorry…”  He croaks, sniffling. “It looks like it’s just going to be me and you, doll. I’m so sorry. I hope you can forgive me.”

You made the cute sounds that took his breath away again, taking up his whole surroundings. However, if it wasn’t for his military training, he probably wouldn’t have even heard someone tumbling down the stairs. Bucky glances at the living room entrance, finding a certain skinny blond that he called his best friend. He saw his chest move slightly, and could almost hear him panting from here.

“S-Sorry.” Steve exhales, leaning against the door frame. “Your mom sent me down here when we heard everything go quiet.”

Bucky smiled a little. “She got worried?”

Steve copies him with a chuckle.  “Yeah. She wanted to make sure you hadn’t run off with her grandchild.”

The brunette shakes his head. “That sounds like my mother.” He turns his attention back on you, but from the corner of his eye he could see his friend shifting uncomfortably, almost hesitantly, in his spot. His smile grows. “Come here.”

“What?” The blond said, genuinely confused. 

“Come here, Steve. You can see her.”

He stiffens up a bit, looking unsure. “H-Her… A-Are you… are you sure?” Steve asked, pointing towards the stairs in the hallway. “I-I shouldn’t be the one seeing your baby first. Shouldn’t I–”

“Get your ass over here, Rogers.” Bucky said, almost wishing he could free his hand up and drag him by the ear (he was always so timid and too cautious sometimes).

Not even daring to question his best friend’s wish, Steve wandered over and took a seat on the couch next to Bucky. He leans in close, examining the small bundle in the soldier’s arms.

Steve’s big blue eyes lit up with joy. “Wow, Buck. She’s adorable.” He said, as you scrunch up your nose to show off your cute, chubby cheeks.

“She is.” Bucky said, fighting back the stinging sensation in his eyes again. He now wonders…

(Is this what it's going to feel like all the time now?)

After a moment of silence, Bucky threw his friend through another loop. “Wanna hold her?”

Steve held his hands up in defense almost immediately after those words left his tongue. “Oh, no. I shouldn’t.”

“I trust you.” Bucky holds you out a little, a reassuring look on his face.

Steve raises a cautious eyebrow. “You sure?”

“Yes.” Bucky laughs. “I’ll show you.”

Bucky then takes his time showing Steve how to hold you, giving him pointers and readjusting everyone once and awhile until he has you in a good position. The blond’s nerves seemed to vanish into thin air when he started to see that you were looking at him with the same curious eyes you made at your father. Those eyes of yours could melt anyone’s hard shells at this point.

Steve chuckles, and grins as he gets butterflies in his stomach from you. “What’s her name?” He asks, sparing a glance at your dad for a split second. “Did Dottie ever give her one?”

Bucky shakes his head sadly. “No.” He said, his voice feeling rather small at the moment. “No she didn’t. I’m tasked with giving her one.”

“Have you thought of any? I know you were looking through some books a few weeks back.”

“I have and I think…” He takes another good look at you, making sure the name was the right choice. “I was thinking… (Y/N).”

“(Y/N)?” The blond repeats back, testing it out like an echo chamber for his friend who nodded back.

“Yeah. (Y/N).” Bucky tests it out his lips as other names start to form. “(Y/N)... Stevie Barnes.”

He looks up in surprise. “Stevie?” Steve asks in disbelief again. 

Bucky smiles. “Well, I heard Stevie is the girl version of Steve, so…”

“But…” His blue eyes look away again, looking completely torn.

Your father raises an eyebrow over this. “But what?”

“You’re flattering me way too much, Bucky.”

“Am I?” Bucky asked, tilting his head, slightly puzzled.

“Y-Yes!” Steve said, shaking his head. “Y-You can’t– You shouldn’t name your kid after me.”

Now it was his turn to be even more confused. “Why not?”

“Because, I’m– y-you have sisters! Parents. Y-You should name her after them. Not me.”

“But, Steve, you’re my brother. Besides…” Bucky shifted in his seat, knowing what he’ll say next is touchy. “I know… the doctor said you might not be able to have kids so… think of this as me… giving you a small piece of that.”

Silence befell, the subject was something that really hurt Steve when he heard it the first time; Hell, it even hurt his mother who was present at the time. It kind of haunted him for a while because what could he offer to a person who wanted to share his life? 

Steve stares at him for a while before tearing up, laughing quietly and looking away. “Jesus, Bucky. You’re making me cry.”

A chuckle. “Well don’t, ‘cause I’ll start crying again.” Bucky says, making them belly laugh. 

The blond sniffles and tests the name out on his own. “(Y/N) Stevie Barnes.” He looks back down at you, his smile returning fully. “Not bad, Buck.”

Your father looked at him teasingly. “And what’s that supposed to mean, Steven?”

“Nothing.” Steve replies, holding back another laugh as he watches you start to drift back to sleep. “I’m really happy for you, man.”

“Thanks.” 

A few moments more passed before you were carefully placed back in your father’s arms, where all he did was stare back at you as you pulled yourself to sleep. His happy face started to falter, and there was a heavy amount of doubt in his ocean blue orbs. 

“I don’t know what I’m going to do, Steve.” He finally admits before swallowing the lump in his throat. He soon felt his friend’s hand on his leg, giving it a comforting squeeze.

“You don’t have to do this alone, Bucky. You’ve got your family and you’ve got me.” Steve said, honestly. “And you know this. However, don’t doubt yourself, you got this. You’re going to be a great dad.”

Bucky’s lip curled up a bit, not caring that he was about to cry again. “Steve Rogers. The man who always knows what to say.”

“What can I say? I try.” He asked, coping with his expression.

“And you think I’ll be great? Even with me being a soldier and everything else that comes with it?” Your father asked, doubt was still just lingering on the surface no matter what he did.

Steve gives another gentle squeeze. “I know you’ll be great. I know you’ll do anything to make sure she’ll be okay. So don’t worry too much, okay? (Y/N)’s going to be lucky she has you.”

Bucky hums, truly grateful for a friend like him. 

And without an ounce of hesitation, he bends down slowly and kisses your sleeping forehead. 

“I already loved you so much, (Y/N). I hope you realize that.” He whispers, lovingly. “And I’ll do anything to make sure you’re safe.”

He swears at that moment he saw you smile.

.

.

.

Bucky brushed his flesh fingers against the words in the stone, tracing your name and important dates. February 23rd, 1936. A snowy, snowy day. Cool and crisp. Although he had to wait and wait until you were a week old to hold you, a week old to realize he was on his own, a week to realize that he truly loved you. No upcoming birthday surprises could top this one. But if he loved you so much then…

Why were you cursed to be underground?

•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

When Bucky got back home to his apartment, he found himself subconsciously grabbing the bottle of scotch in his cabinet. Although he knew he couldn’t technically get drunk, the feeling he got after a couple glasses was close enough. Sometimes… he liked the quietness in his home, the time to relax, untouched and left alone to be himself; But most of the time, after so many years of being alone in his head, he loathes being alone. Friends and family were everything to him growing up. You were everything to him growing up. 

He still wonders what it would be like if you were here, running around, asking him twenty questions, painting his toes, etcetera. He always wondered what you were like when you got older, the side of you he never got to see. He always wondered what those short years did for you.

Why did he have to get taken from you so soon?

.

.

.

You dove around your grandparents and aunts’ legs as you made your way out of the house, ignoring how your father’s duffle bag, that subconsciously you hated, was laying on the porch steps. You stumble around a bit on your five year old legs, before finding the person you wanted to see. 

“Uncle Steve!!!” You yelled, throwing your arms up.

“Hey, Pumpkin.” He said, teasingly. He wastes no time to scoop you up, and carefully holds you close to him (it’s been years and he’s still afraid he’ll drop you). “Have you gotten smaller?”

You scrunched up your nose at him, shaking your head. “No.” You giggled at the silly nickname, and it all was because you were pocket size.

“No?” Steve said, tilting his head, all cocky. “Are you sure?”

You giggled again. “Yes.”

He grins. “Just checking.”

A sigh came from inside, before the two of you saw your father exiting his parents house, all dressed in his neatly ironed uniform. He looked miserable as he gazed at his bag on the porch.

“Ready?” Steve asked, readjusting his hold on you as he frowned himself.

“Unfortunately.” Bucky mumbled, not ready for what’s yet to come. However, when he faces you his whole expression changes for the better. “And there’s my little girl!”

“Papa!” You yelled, holding your arms out. He takes you in his arms, hugging you gently. “Are you leaving, Papa?”

“Oh, baby doll, I am.” He said, pulling back to look at you. “But don’t worry, I’ll be back as soon as I can.” He taps your nose. “Okay?”

You nodded slowly and smiled. “Okay!”

“Good.” He gives you a big kiss on your head, before peppering your face with some more making you laugh. “I love you, (Y/N).”

“I love you, too, Papa.”

“I love you more.”

He gives you one more kiss and one more hug before transferring you over back to Steve. They both give each other a strong hug and pat on the back, smiling bittersweetly.

“Be safe, Bucky.” Steve said, trying to hide his concern.

“I will. You too. The both of you.” Bucky said, grabbing his bag and making sure his voice was stern.

“We will. I’ll keep an eye on her.”

“Thank you, Steve.” 

He bid them goodbye, and you and Steve watched him walk down the path to the military jeep parked nearby. It was chilling almost to watch, and your five year old mind couldn’t quite comprehend the heavy feeling you felt underneath the surface.

“Uncle Steve?” You asked, prying his eyes away from the moving vehicle. 

“Yeah?” He said, softly.

You looked at him all puzzled, something wasn’t adding up. “I thought you told me you were going with him?” You swear he mentioned something like that to you yesterday. Right?

His eyes look away from you, almost like he was recollecting himself before giving you his answer. “I am. But not yet.” He replies, honestly. His orbs finally meet yours again. “Not until I know you're okay.”

“Really?” You asked, tilting your head to the side with curiosity.

“Sure am.” He smiles once more. “Now, what do you want to do? You want to see what Grandpa and Grandma are doing?”

Your eyes light up at their names. “Yes!!!” 

He laughs at your enthusiasm. “Okay, okay. Let’s go see them.”

.

.

.

Bucky throws a bottle of scotch across the room, shattering somewhere. He didn’t care though. It’s not like he even batted an eye.

Five years old. 

That was it.

That’s the last time he ever saw you.

And that hurt like a bitch.

•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

He doesn’t know when…

But everything suddenly just…

Clicked.

Memories of his flooded in like a broken dam. He starts to recall who he was before and after the fall. Before and after the war. Before and after everything. So as he made his way to Siberia with his friend, Steve, he remembers something that was like a knife to his heart.

“I have a daughter.” Bucky said abruptly, cutting Steve off.

When he was on the run after the helicarriers fell, he remembers his time growing up in the early 1900s. The (multiple) times he saved his best friend’s ass from being picked on, or the way he took his younger siblings to the park, or helping his mother bake, or fixing the car with his dad. But there were a few memories he was confused by for a long time.

First he only heard little laughs, or someone trying to sing a child’s song. Then he saw little toys and dresses. Then he saw a little face with big, wondrous eyes. It didn’t take him long to realize who she was.

He met with his friend’s eyes quickly, almost getting choked up by an emotion that had been under lock and key for so long. “...I have a daughter… don’t I?”

Steve, who seemed taken back by his sudden string of words, opens and closes his mouth a few times, before settling his hand on his friend’s shoulder. “Yes, Bucky. You do.”

Bucky looked away, the confirmation sending his mind spiraling again, and the Captain could tell. He decides to approach this carefully since he knows his friend isn’t hundred percent in his right mind yet.

“Do you remember her?” Steve asked, watching him nod slowly. “What do you remember?”

Bucky thinks long and hard about this. What did he remember about you?

“Uh… I remember she was tiny… always tiny.” He chuckles quietly, making Steve smile. “She uh… had um… (Y/H/C) hair that was kind of wavy when she got older. Um… big, bright (Y/E/C) eyes. She… she um… smiled a lot… I think?”

“Yeah, she did Buck. All the time.” Steve said, patting his shoulder gently as he could see the joy it was bringing to his friend.

Bucky laughs again. “Uh… you used to call her by a weird nickname. What was it? Uh…” He purses his lips. “Po… Potato?”

Now it was the blond’s turn to laugh. “N-No. No. Close… Starts with a P, though.”

“Um…” His eyes light a spark. “Oh. Yeah. I remember now. We took her to her first Halloween pumpkin patch when I could hold in one hand because she was so tiny.”

“Yep. That’s what I called her.” He says with a nod. “Your Ma tried to dress her up like one.”

“Oh, yeah, she did.”

And then it got quiet, and Steve saw the bright light in his friend’s eyes go out when the wheels started to turn again. He held his breath, knowing what he was recalling next.

Bucky swayed on the balls of his feet a bit, looking at the floor. “She was five the last time I saw her.” He says, bittersweetly. “I remember, the night before, I took her to Coney Island, and we just played games and ate until our bellies ached. I got her a stuffed bear on the ring toss…”

Steve squeezed his shoulder, trying to give him some comfort because he knew there was no stopping any memories of you.

“She was with you when I left. I gave her hugs, and kisses and…” His voice starts to break. “I love you’s…. Um…”

“Bucky–” Steve begins, hating how hurt he looked.

“Steve. W-Was that last time you saw h-her too?”

Steve closed his mouth, thinking to himself. He couldn’t lie. He was a terrible liar which the brunette always sees through. So what was the point of even trying?

Cap shakes his head. “No. I saw her when she was nine. ‘Bout to be nine.”

“N-Nine?” Bucky asked, just above a whisper. “W-Why?”

“Um…” He swallows. “I had to…. I had to tell your family about, you know… the train… and you.”

The Soldier went distant. “O-Oh…”

“I wanted to make sure I was the one to tell them.” 

“Oh…” Bucky started to get teary eyed. “D-Did you tell her?"

Steve held his breath again. It was like his mind started to relive that day.

You looked so happy to see him, but he watched that expression vanish when you saw his sadden face. It hurts to take you by the hand and into your room. It hurts to see how you’ve grown, and to think he got to see it and not your dad made the situation a whole lot worse.

He wanted to lie and tell you your dad was hurt. 

He wanted to lie and tell you your dad was still at war and won’t be home for a while.

He wanted to lie and say everything was going to be okay.

But he couldn’t, and felt like it was his duty to tell you what happened to your father, to his best friend.

He knew if the situation was reversed, Bucky would be doing the very same thing now.

And when he did tell you, he hated how you kept on denying it. You called him a liar, and god he wished he was.

“I-I did…” He said, feeling his eyes sting as well. 

Bucky jaw clenches. “A-And?”

Steve looks away for a second. “She cried for three hours.”

“O-Oh…” Bucky looks away too. “I always h-hated when s-she cries.”

With his hand still on the brunette shoulder, he gave him another comforting squeeze. “She…” Cap chokes, his memories flooding in all at once. “S-She um… she gave me her blanket, the one that she came home with. She um, wanted me… to promise to come back to her. But um… I failed at that, I guess.”

Bucky frowns. “Steve–"

“I tried finding her, Buck.” He finally looks at him. “When I came out of the ice, SHIELD managed to give me some of my things from the war. I kept the blanket in my chest, so… I tried finding her, because I didn’t want to break that promise to (Y/N), but…”

“You didn’t find anything?”

Steve shakes his head. “Not exactly.” He whispers, exhaling shaky. 

“Not exactly?” Bucky asked, wanting an answer. “What does that mean?”

Now it was Steve’s turn to look all messed up. Especially since he couldn’t make eye contact again. He swallows a lump in his throat and says, “I’m so sorry, Bucky…”

“Sorry about what?” Bucky couldn’t understand what was happening and it was honestly starting to scare him. “What are you sorry about?”

“(Y/N)...” He sighs quietly, and forces himself to look in his best friend’s eyes. “Pneumonia. She, uh… got pneumonia in ‘54 and passed.” 

Now the knife has dug deeper, chilling his bones too. “She’s dead?” He said, barely audible. 

“Yeah. She’s dead.” The Captain replies, dispirit. “I found the spot where she’s buried. I can take you there if you–”

“Thank you, Steve.” The soldier says, ignoring the blond’s confused state. “I mean it. You were always so good to her, and to think you never stopped looking after all this time means A LOT to me. Do you understand? You helped my daughter when she was at her lowest, and you even found her for me. I thank you for that.”

Steve smiles bittersweetly. “No need to. I said I’ll always be there for the both of you.”

Bucky returns the gesture. “As will I.”

“Now, let’s finish this, shall we?”

.

.

.

“-Bucky.” Steve says, touching his shoulder and getting a small jolt from the man. Surprised eyes fell on him as he returned with concerned ones. “You ready?”

“Uh…” Bucky looked around quickly, remembering it was standing in the locker room changing. He didn’t even realize he had zoned out. “Y-Yeah.” He said, zipping up the front of his Quantum Suit. “Yeah, I’m ready.”

Steve tilts his head, the worriedness never vanishing. “You sure?”

“Yeah.” He nods. “Let’s get this mission completed.”

And those were the words that would change -everything-.

(TBC)

-Taglist Is Open-

@navs-bhat @liarasstuff @justmewoo @thed1v1n3

@luckyzipperscissorsbat @like-a-domino @kissesofdeadforme

@audigay

[jimblejamblewritings]

luck be a (leading) lady | part 14.

[Posted 2023.08.12]

Summary: Y/N has always been a background character. That’s just life for some folks isn’t it? But what if she’s determined to not just be another member in the ensemble? What if someone helps her step into the spotlight in her own special way?

Warnings for the Series: a teeny bit of angst but mainly fluff

Pairing: ricky bowen x black!reader

Word Count: 3.0k

Previous Part | (Series Masterlist) 

Despite the documentary trailer coming out, the general public didn’t believe you and Ricky were together. According to everyone, the whole show was an act. A very entertaining act but an act nonetheless. Not that you or Ricky minded. With the increase in auditions and booking small roles, you wanted your personal life to stay personal for just a little longer. You told Gina that much as you helped her finish packing.

Her mom was back into so your roommate turned sister was officially leaving your house. Gina dragged her entire closet into your room so you two could pack up and watch a movie on the projector screen in your room.

“I can’t believe your moving. Seriously,” you said as you shoved her jackets into a box.

“You act like I’m leaving the state, I’m literally across the street.”

“Yeah, I can’t believe that old couple finally chose to live in a nursing home.”

You and Gina paused before you bursted out in laughter. It was really nice to have her stay near by. While you were friends with the rest of the drama club, Gina and Ricky were still your only close friends at East High.

“You know what I can’t believe,” Gina started. “That two of my best friends are leaving me next year.”

“Senior year. I still haven’t processed it yet,” you admitted.

A knock on the door caught your attention. Your dad was standing in the doorway with a plate of fruit. “My lovely senior and junior…”

You and Gina rolled your eyes.

“Gina, your mother wants me to remind you that she’d like you home by ten thirty and that you two can talk tomorrow at school.”

“Got it.”

“Thank you, here you guys go. Let’s try to finish packing before the night is over.”

“If you really want us to finish. Dad, you could he—”

The sound of your window opening made you all turn. You laughed as Ricky practically fell into your room. He jumped up with a quickness.

“Hi, Mr. L/N. Y/N, Gina.”

“Hello, Richard. You do know we have a front door, right?” you father pointed to downstairs.

“Yeah but since you guys said I’m allowed over any time, it’s not as much fun unless I’m going through the window.”

Your dad looked up at the ceiling. “I have clearly overstayed my welcome talking to a bunch of teenagers. Okay, Gina, home by ten thirty. Richard no sleeping in Y/N’s room but you are welcome to take any other room upstairs. Bed time is eleven, no negotiations. School’s tomorrow… I can’t believe my baby is a senior.”

“Dad, Dad, there’s plenty of time before I graduate. We don’t need to start crying now.”

“Oh, whatever.”

You chuckled as your dad left the room before focusing on Ricky again. He had no problem showing affection towards you with Gina in the room because she was the only person that knew you and Ricky were a real couple. She wasn’t exactly sure how she felt about being sworn to secrecy no matter the reason but she was still just happy to be let in.

Your boyfriend sat on the bed, actually helping you pack up Gina’s closet. “I wanted to give you something but I couldn’t really wait until tomorrow. Well, both of you, kind of.”

“What is it?”

“So, I’ve had this melody stuck in my head all day and it reminded me of Y/N.”

“Sap,” Gina muttered.

“I think it’s sweet.” You leaned over to give him a peck.

“Anyway, I know you don’t really write songs but you have an ear for music Y/N and Gina does write lyrics so I thought maybe we could work on this together?”

“Of course.”

“Okay.” Ricky stood up to leave. “I actually do have to get home. One of Dad’s only rules is bed by ten on the first day of school.”

“Seriously?”

He nodded. “Yep, it’s been a tradition since I started… and it is nine thirty so I do need to go.”

You gave him another kiss. “Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“See you tomorrow… Oh! Did Lucille send you the filming schedule?”

“Yeah, I’m just glad the filming is here. Senior year away from East High would’ve been such a bummer.”

“I know right. Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

~~

You leaned against Ashylnn’s locker, chuckling as you watched Kourtney and Carlos take pictures with fans. It was weird to say you guys had fans.

“So what do you think, Y/N?”

“Hmm?” You focused back on Gina and Ashlynn.

“About Ash and Maddie giving each other relationship advice.”

You and Gina shared a look before you stood up straight. “I think that’s for Ashlynn to figure out but we need to figure out how to get to the drama club before we’re late for Ms. Jenn’s big announcement.”

Ashlynn’s eyebrows furrowed. “For me to figure out what?”

“Nothing,” you said with a laugh before grabbing her and Gina’s hands and leading them to the drama club.

You guys weren’t sure why Ms. Jenn called everyone in for a “surprise.” It was pretty obvious that the next play was going to be High School Musical 3. Without stupid Zacky Roy around to throw the Drama Club off their game, you guys were going right back to doing Disney TV shows for musicals. You just hoped that next semester you guys did Teen Beach Movie before you graduated.

You felt Ricky squeeze your hand once before you guys broke apart and left the drama room with everyone else to go to the Pep Rally. Staying lowkey was going to be so hard. You let Ashlynn and Gina walk in between the two of you on your way to the field.

“Can you believe auditions are this Friday? I need to pick a song,” Ashlynn said as she started searching through a list written down on her phone.

“What part are you going for Ash?”

“I’m thinking Kelsey or Sharpay. You?”

You shrugged. “Whatever doesn’t interfere with filming and my calculus homework. You know I’ve been demoted at Saltwater.”

��What?!”

You chuckled at your friends’ expressions. “Not like that. Bennet agreed that Principal dancer is too much to handle with school and filming so I’m only principal for the fall ballet since we’ve been rehearsing it before filming next month and then I’m just a first soloist for the rest of the time. It’s better this way anyway. This is the exact arrangement I’m going to having at Berklee. I’m thankful to get but my academic advisor sends me an email like every other day with updates. My inbox is dying.”

You guys sat down in your seats, finally moving to be next to Ricky.

“That still means we get to come watch you perform at Saltwater, right?”

“Yeah, you are looking at Coraline Jones in our fall production.”

Before your friends could celebrate you, the pep rally started much to your relief. You were still getting used to being the center of attention without losing the ability to breathe. Part of the reason you weren’t so prepared to be the lead in a feature film. A small film but still… The first Twilight movie was an indie film.

At least you didn’t have time to overanalyze that because the dude who played Coach Bolton was at the pep rally? You and Ricky rolled your eyes and sighed at the same time with the announcement of High School Musical 4 being filmed at your school. Just why?

Of course all the students were cheering no matter what, hoping that filming would mess with classes a little. You had a little fangirl moment when they announced one of the new stars of High School Musical 4. Mack and Dani.

Kourtney played Dani’s TikToks over and over again when you guys were at camp. Hopefully she could act because her TikToks seemed so nice. And Mack? Well you couldn’t help but squeal a little when they announced him.

Your friends looked at you causing you to laugh. “You don’t understand, I had one of the biggest crushes on him when I was little.”

“Me too!” Gina said with excitement. “Mark and Spark was my comfort show.”

“You know, he was supposed to be the first male lead in the movie I’m filming and my heart stopped until he cancelled of course.”

“Well now we know why,” Ashlynn said before focusing back on the stage.

You leaned your head on Ricky’s shoulder, having felt him tense up behind you. He relaxed when you grabbed his hand for a brief moment.

“You know I don’t mean anything by it. It was just a stupid celebrity crush,” you whispered.

“Celebrity crushes are still crushes.”

“Well then it was a stupid little crush. Is that better?”

“Yeah,” Ricky said with a squeeze of your hand.

You made a note to stay at Ricky's for a late dinner later after ballet rehearsal just to make sure he wasn’t still jealous. This relationship really was new territory for the both of you. But that would have to wait because now it was time for a second surprise in the drama room. You were getting real sick of surprises. And super sick of the security guard trying to block access to the drama room because of “filming”.

“Ahh!”

You all turned at Kourtney’s scream.

“Corbin Bleu?”

“Oh great,” Ricky muttered.

“Okay, okay. I deserve that a bit. But I am here to make amends. I know that documentary wasn’t what any of us expected.”

“Seb isn’t talking to me.” Carlos pointed out.

Ashlynn nodded along with him. “Yeah and Big Red is in Cairo for six months.”

“I hear you but we’ve found a way to make it up to you.”

“Uh, who’s we?” you asked with a raised hand.

You heard footsteps before you saw the people attached to the noise. You couldn’t believe it. Standing right in front of you was the original cast of High School Musical. Honestly, Corbin might have actually gotten you guys the best apology gift ever.

Featured extras in High School Musical 4? That was sick! So was everyone character development. You had to admit that you didn’t see Troy and Gabriella being in couples’ therapy… because you thought they would’ve broken up freshman year of college since they were such an on and off again relationship. The entire class was giggling uncontrollably at the prospects of being together on set.

Kourtney raised her hand. “Well, if the movie is going for authenticity casting a drama class to play Ms. Darbus’ drama class then Mack and Dani should consult us. The real life kids of East High.”

“This is why she’s the smart one,” someone said as you all high-fived.

Apparently, the OG cast thought she was brilliant as well because it didn’t take them any convincing. She was immediately assigned to Dani. You playfully shook her shoulders to let her know you were proud of her.

“Do we have any volunteers for Mack?” Lucas asked.

“Right like someone who grew up loving his tv show. Or two someones?”

You tried to back out of being Mack’s guide but it was too late. You were stuck co-guiding with Gina. All you wanted to do was focus on movie rehearsals, ballet rehearsals, your relationship, school, and drama club. That was a lot of things. Guiding Mack was not on your list of things.

You acted like that wasn’t the case when you went to go see the superstar, putting on your best smile. Your eyes went wide at an almost naked man getting his calf measured.

“Oh my,” you and Gina said at the same time.

Mack looked over. “Can I help you?”

You let Gina take over as you tried to look everywhere but at Mack, feeling embarrassed and more awkward than usual.

“We are so sorry. We are real students here, only one credit on IMDb so far but anyway, we were assigned to give you a hand.”

“Yeah, I’d love to know who assigned you to interrupt my costume fitting.”

“No. That was our bad.”

“Yeah,” you offered up. “If we had known you weren’t dressed we would’ve come way sooner before school ended… Soo-sooner because you’d have clothes on. Not whatever you l-look like you, like you’re thinking of. Oh my goodness.”

“Would you mind turning around?”

You and Gina looked at each other before doing just that. “That was probably the first thing we should have done.”

“Okay. So, I do have to ask,” Gina started. “Do you still keep in touch with the dog from the show?”

“There were seven of them and they all retired to a farm upstate.”

“Oh that’s so swee—”

“Uh, G,” you cut her off. “That means they aren’t, um, currently pr—”

“It means they’re dead.” Mack had put on a shirt so you guys could turn around. “The farm is heaven.”

“Well that ruined everything,” your friend muttered. “Okay, we’re going to leave now and we can all pretend we never met.”

“Oh, I’m way ahead of you.”

“Good luck on the movie, Mack. Hope you break a leg, literally.”

“Good luck with your lives, superfans.”

You felt your face get hot as you marched up to him. “Her name is Gina Porter and can I just say, I’m so glad High School Musical 4 took you in. Acting alongside you in Sweet Pea Americano would have literally killed me… G-Gina, why did I just say that?”

“I’m proud of you.” She swung her arm over your shoulder so you guys could leave. “Even with anxiety, you always stick up for your friends.”

“I think I’m going to pass out.”

“Come on, let’s go see if Ricky got a smoothie for us at the food truck.”

While you were mortified at your actions, Gina proudly recanted the entire story to Ricky who echoed her sentiments. You guys went you separate ways. There was no carpool with Gina today. Carlos called her over for an emergency meeting of the Finer Things Club at Kourtney’s house, leaving Ricky to drop you off at Saltwater. You guys stopped at a salad bar first so you could get some real food into your system.

“Oh, Gina finished the lyrics to the song.”

“Already?”

“You know her. Once she gets started on a mission, she can’t stop until it’s complete. Do you want to hear it?”

“Of course, do you have the lyrics on you?”

You handed Ricky your phone to look at the screenshots of Gina’s song journal. Your harmonies were rough and sometimes the melody fell off but the two of you had fun singing all the way back to the car.

“Are you sure you don’t mind picking me up?” you asked him as you leaned into the driver’s side window after getting your bags from the back of the car once you guys reached your destination. “Because we don’t get out till eleven and Mrs. Porter said it was fine for her to pick me up since Saltwater is between Kourtney’s house and ours.”

“It’s fine, baby, I like picking you up.”

“Okay. Oh, don’t forget. Gina’s driving tomorrow morning.”

“I can’t believe she got a car.”

“I can’t believe she got a license.”

You said bye one last time and headed inside for you ballet rehearsals. While you were dancing, Ricky was doing homework, and Gina was laughing as she got into Kourtney’s room. Ashlynn and Carlos were already there and Kourtney… well, she was meditating at the edge of her bed. While, Ashlynn had nearly forty missed texts from Maddox. Gina so had to tell you about that when you and Ricky came over for breakfast tomorrow morning.

Her smile faded at the announcement that Kourtney wasn’t sure about doing the school musical or not. She wasn’t sure if Dani was the best thing for Kourtney. She especially wasn’t sure when her friend suddenly became supper eager and chipper to answer her phone call. Kourtney put Dani on speaker after the others swore to be quiet.

“Hi, so I was studying you. Not in a creepy way but I’m really trying to get into character as a real East High drama student.”

Gina made a face when Dani suddenly stopped the speak pretty harshly to the driver taking her to the airport.

“Anyway, you’ve got that X factor, Kourt, and I want to help you grow your footprint. But I’ve been looking through your post and to be honest I’ve noticed something.”

“It’s the honesty for me,” Kourtney said with a nervous lilt to her voice.

“If I’m going to show you exactly what it’s like to grow an audience and you’re going to do the same for me as an East High student, I want you to tell me everything you know about Ricky Bowen.”

Gina bit her tongue as her other three friends stared at each other with suspicious looks on their faces. She got strange vibes for some reason but didn’t want to act on what could be nothing. Besides, she promised you two that she wouldn’t say anything to anyone. And how could she tell Kourtney not to mention Ricky to Dani if she didn’t ended up revealing something?

~~

You looked down at your phone to see a text from Ricky.

I’m still on my way, baby. Don’t worry, I’m stopped at a red light. I’ll be there in like 10 minutes. I wish your rehearsal didn’t end so late so we could’ve stayed up cuddling.

You smiled at the text before sending a little heart emoji, nothing that would require Ricky to look down at his phone after the light turned green. You ruffled around your bag to get your water bottle, reaching for your phone again when you felt the familiar vibration of a text. Another one from Ricky.

This red light is long. Do you want to get McDonalds after this?

You shook your head, deciding it was better to just answer him in person. A groan left you mouth when you felt the vibration again. That light wasn’t going to be red forever, if he was texting while driving then you were going to scold him because that could seriously inju—

Why was Mack now following your Instagram?

(part 15)

THIS FIC TAGLIST:

@mishtay​ @ifilwtmfc ​​ @moonysgal

PERMANENT TAGLIST:

@venomsvl @peaches-n-sunscreen @summerellaz @supernaturallover2002 @sambucky8 @9daykrisr @thebitchinleo @23victoria @scarlets-widow @pagetpagetpagetpaget @lovexnatasha @awesomebooklover17 @1234-angelika @imatrisk @blackreaderatrisk @princess-jules47 @alexloveskili @a-marie-a @siriuslysirius1107 @bubybubsters

[clambuoyance]

Do u want to talk abt ur ocs..... I actually followed you initially bc they seemed so interesting and silly and I want to know more if you feel like sharing :)

I still can’t believe some ppl follow me for my ocs bc it’s usually for my fanart so this is really nice to hear! I have a couple stories/universes but the main one I’ve been…developing (it’s on and off) since I was like 13/14 is about these two kids named Keiko and Rolin!! Im still doing a lot of world and lore building but the main gist is that Rolin is a teenage boy turning 16 who returns to his hometown to live with his aunt and meets a strange young girl named Keiko (debating on making her 10-12 idk she was originally 10). I won’t go too much into like Lore stuff but she has like..my own version of clairvoyance. They are kind of opposites, with Rolin being introverted and jaded, and Keiko being loud and optimistic but they are both silly.

I think it’s been said before but the whole driving relationship of the story is the two of them going on adventures throughout the city and solving mysteries while simultaneously becoming family and finding a real home within each other and the people they’ve met and learned to love 😚

Now the story is centered around Rolin and Keiko, but a big focus is on the cast of characters that fill mostly Rolins life. Mira and Artie were friends with Rolin when they were kids before Rolin left with his mom, and all three grew up and have been living their own lives, but when Rolin comes back they get a chance to reconnect (with Keiko’s help). Valoryn (Val) is also new in town, and befriends Rolin and Keiko. This is just a messy fast doodle of them I have better art in my oc tags🙏

Some old sketches

The other major cast is Rolin’s family, and Rolin has always been Asian so as I worked on the story his family kept getting more and more relevant especially with a major theme of the story being about the connections you have with people in your life so like I can’t leave them out. And I’ve never settled on an Asian ethnicity until recently where I was like I might as well make him Filipino so I can base his family off my own🫡 Cousins (both blood and not) that are years older than you but treat you like siblings and give u silly nicknames 🫶

Now Diana (or Deedee) is one of those characters I’ve had for a long time, and I made her because I liked those laidback mentor figures in anime (like Qrow from rwby) and wanted a laidback lady one 🤷🏻‍♀️ she also has some Misato from nge influence. She has always been written to be a mentor figure to Rolin and Keiko, and at one point I think I was going to make her his actual aunt but stuck to her being just a cousin so I could write about her relationship with her mom 🫶 Unlike her brother Darius, she does not live with her mom and Rolin has to go out of his way to meet her.

And Rolin’s parents’ story aren’t the main focus (they aren’t really present themselves in the main story) and it’s mostly just flashback stuff but they r silly and sad and I love drawing them 😼

I could go into more detail but that’s an overview of some of the characters

[jjsmaybank20]

Uh, hi there may I request: Reader and JJ meet when JJ leaves the team and goes to Afghanistan, they got close during the time JJ was there. Reader then later joins the bau, Tivon Askari abducts both women and tortures reader in front of JJ, to motivate her into giving him the code. (After they've been saved, R is sitting in the back of the ambulance and JJ runs over to her and kisses her.) (Jennifer Jareau X reader.)

All's Fair in Love and Torture

Jennifer Jareau x Fem!Reader

Summary: You and JJ used to be close. When you are both flung into a horrible situation, will you realize that the two of you are soulmates?

Warnings: Reader gets tortured, angst, fluff at the end

Word Count: 2.4k

navigation   criminal minds masterlist

---

“Hey, did you guys hear that we’re getting a new member?” Garcia asked as she walked into the bureau with Prentiss and JJ, their coffees in hand.

Prentiss nodded, “Heard they were a part of the Navy Seals for a while. Joined young. Was in Afghan for a while. About your age, JJ.” 

“Really?” JJ asked. 

Hotch walked out of his office as the rest of the team gathered by their desks, you walked right behind him, his slightly taller figure just barely covering you from the view of the rest of the team.

Hotch cleared his throat before looking at all of them, “I’d like to formally introduce you guys to the newest member of the team, Agent Y/N Y/L/N,” 

You emerged from behind Hotch and you gave all of them an awkward wave. You looked over the team, getting yourself used to the faces you would be working with for the foreseeable future, until your eyes fell onto a pair of familiar blue ones. Her face was neutral and collected, but you could tell by her eyes that she was internally freaking out, just as you were.

You tried to fight off the smile that was forming on your face at the sight of your old flame back in the days of Afghanistan. By the look on her face, you could tell that she hadn’t really told anyone on the team about her time in Afghanistan.

“Lieutenant commander Y/L/N, this is our state department liaison Jennifer Jareau. She will be helping assist us in communication with some of the hostages,” your commander said, introducing the beautiful blonde in front of you.

You stuck out your hand and smiled at her softly, “Y/N Y/L/N,” 

She grabbed your hand, smiling back, “Jennifer Jareau, but you can call me JJ for short,” 

“Well JJ, I like your eyes. They’re very blue, did you know that?” you asked, awkwardly. You internally scolded yourself for saying such a weird thing.

JJ laughed at your awkwardness before nodding, “Yeah, well, I kind of had them my whole life so I think I know that,” 

“Right,” you drew out, mentally face palming yourself harder than before. 

Once the team had introduced themselves individually, you made your way over to JJ. “How have you been?” You asked her. 

“Good, how about you?” She questions. 

“Pretty good, though I have to say I’ve missed you a lot.” You flirt. She shoves your shoulder teasingly, and you laugh lightly, glad and a little surprised that you two fell back into old habits so easily. You quickly sneak a kiss onto her cheek before starting to walk away. 

She shied away from you, blushing. You smiled, happy that you had the same effect on her as always.

Afghanistan wasn’t a good situation to be in. Still, sometimes you were able to forget for a short amount of time about the war that was raging, and appreciate the absolutely beautiful cities and architecture.

This was one of the days where you almost completely forgot that you were in the middle of a war. JJ was standing on the balcony in the city of Kabul, the capital of Afghanistan. The sun was setting behind her as you handed her a glass of wine.

It’s illegal to drink there, but as long as no one saw you called it a win. You guys deserved it anyway. You stood behind her and wrapped your arms around her waist. You hooked your chin onto her shoulder after planting a few soft kisses on her neck and on the side of her face. You could see her cheeks turning red from the affection you were showing her. 

“This is nice,” she mumbled and you hummed in response.

“I agree. You make this whole mission so much more bearable,” you whispered.

---

You don’t know how it all went wrong so fast. One minute you were out with JJ, getting some food for the team, the next you were in a dark room, with your arms extended upwards, hanging from small chains that dangled above the ceiling. You heard the clinking of the chains coming from right next to you. That’s when you knew that you weren’t alone.

“Shit, JJ?! Are you awake?” You worriedly exclaim. 

“Yeah, I am. What happened?” She groans. I know exactly how she feels. Like someone hit me in the head with a pipe combined with the worst hangover ever.

“We were kidnapped, I think. Fuck, that is an insane thing to say out loud.” You realize you are close to panicking, so you try to focus on JJ and keeping her safe. 

Suddenly, a door that you didn’t notice before opens. Two men walk out. “Alright ladies, listen up!” The bigger man shouts. He was a muscular man, clearly the one in charge.

“Oh my god. I remember you! You’re the translator who shot up a convoy and was declared a traitor!” You exclaim, taking note of JJ wincing.

“Tivon Askari. You fucking asshole. What do you want?” JJ spat at him. 

 “We need information about the BAU and you’re gonna give it to us.” He smiled evilly. 

JJ shook her head, “You’re not getting anything. We won't speak!”

Askari just continued to creepily grin. “See I figured you were gonna say that. We’ve done a lot of research, Agent Jareau, about your lives and everyone else’s lives in the BAU. So getting the both of you was our plan all along.”

Askari was a lot smarter than most of the unsubs who kidnapped people that you have dealt with in the past. He looked like both the brain and the brawn and somehow, this younger guy was dragged into it.

“The question is: who’s the bigger hero? And who’s gonna sit by idly and watch the hero die?” he asked and another deep, sinister smile formed onto his face.

Fear shot through your veins and you immediately looked at JJ. She had her savior face on and she looked ready to sacrifice herself to save you.

“We’re gonna be here all day if I have the two of you choose, so I’ll just pick for you.'' He started pointing his finger, moving it left and right, “Eenie meenie minee moe. Catch a tiger by the toe, if it hollers let it go,” he continued on with the childish game until his finger finally landed on the blonde beauty next to you.

But you immediately spoke up, “No! No! Hurt me, please!” you begged.

A malicious grin formed on his face, “I knew you were going to say that.”

You were surrounded with no one to help you. Nowhere to go, you couldn’t leave your ex-lover behind.

“I love you, JJ. I never stopped loving you, even when you left Afghanistan and me.” you said, as Askari and the other man pull out various devices of torture.

Blam!

His knuckle hit you square in the stomach. You let out a soft groan.

JJ winced, and started tearing up, hating seeing her ex-lover and the person she was still in love with in pain.

“Alright Jareau, this is what’s gonna happen. I’m gonna ask you the questions I need answers to and if you don’t answer them Y/N here gets a little punishment. Each time you don’t answer, the worse the punishment gets. Me and my friend here will demonstrate,” he said, gesturing towards the younger boy. “Where do you live?”

“I’m not telling you!” the boy said, trying to sound confident, but you could hear the shakiness in his voice.

And then a fist connected with your nose. You heard a crack and blood began flowing out like a waterfall.

“Just like that!” he said excitedly, “So first question Agent Jareau, what is BAU director Strauss’s address?”

She looked towards you and you shook your head. He wanted to pick all of you off one by one, and you weren’t about to let that happen. “Y/N, if I don’t answer-“

“JJ, no,” you said, sternly.

She let out a deep sigh, “‘No. I-I can’t.”

“First denied question of the night. You know what that means! Time to play: what punishment does Agent Y/L/N get today?!”

He looks behind him on a folded table full of things that could hurt you. JJ looks at you with worry in her eyes and you just shake your head. “You don’t give anything, okay? I’ll be fine. Hotch and the rest of the team, they’ll find us.” you whispered.

Her eyes started to fill with tears, “But what if-what if you die in the process?”

“They’ll come, love. I can take it.”

Askari turned back around with a brass knuckle hanging tightly around his fists. He stepped closer to you and swung. You could feel the metal piercing through your cheek as your head snapped to the side.

Blood was still dripping out of your nose, and now you had the new gash on your face to match it. He just laughed cruelly at the sight of you.

“Okay Jareau, next question: what’s the security code to get into the Quantico office?” she looked at your bloody face, absolutely wrecked that she couldn’t do anything to help you. You gave her another stern head shake, the loss of blood starting to make you light headed.

“I don’t know.” she just managed to get out between sobs.

He let out a sigh, “You know, I really thought you’d cooperate more, with you being in love with her and everything. I guess that means you really don’t love her all that much.”

“You have no idea what you’re talking about!” she yelled, his words getting under her skin. One of the biggest rules in any force is to never let the enemy under your skin. Don’t give them that satisfaction. But as JJ watched as blood dripped down your face, she couldn’t think of anything but how much she loved you and how much it hurt her to see you like this. “I love Y/N with every bone, every ounce of my body.”

“Well that’s obviously not enough is it?” he shrugged, “Well more fun for me then.”

It looked like they already picked out what torturing device they wanted to use next. An iron was already heated up on an extension cord from the wall in front of you. The basement turned into one of those twisted rooms from a horror flick.

“A broken nose and a gashed cheek. It can and will get worse from here. All you gotta do is answer one of my questions. Let’s repeat the first one, shall we? Strauss’s address?” she gave you another look and you shook your head again.

You can’t risk someone else getting hurt. Not again. The team and everyone at Quantico doesn’t deserve that. And there were still little glimmers of hope that they were on their way to rescue you.

“I have no idea.” she winced at her words, but you gave her a soft nod.

You braced for the impact, the iron hovering over your skin. 

“Are you sure you don’t have another answer JJ? This is a fairly hot iron.”

You give her another look and she nods, “I’m sure.”

When the iron touches you, the heat feels like cooking in a pan of oil and having it splash on you. You can’t stop yourself from screaming out in pain.

JJ started sobbing even harder at the sounds of you crying and screaming.

“The last and final question Jareau and if you don’t answer it we’re just going to keep repeating the same questions, torturing her more until you finally do.” Askari said, “Jack Hotchner, what school does he go to? Or better yet, your son Henry? Actually just give me the address to all of your homes. We can have loads of fun together then.”

Despite all of the pain you were enduring, this was really something that couldn’t get out. You shook your head and she bit on her bottom lip.

“Come on Agent Jareau, what’s it gonna be?” he asked.

“If I tell you this will you let us go?” she asked and your eyes went wide.

“Yeah, sure. I’ll find you guys eventually. I’ll have your addresses, after all.” he said, nonchalantly.

You shook your head, “JJ don’t listen to him. He’s a liar. He’s not gonna let us go. We can’t put everyone else we love at risk.”

“But Y/N-“ she began to say.

“No ‘but’s’ Jay! I’ll be okay!” you snapped and your eyes were watering at how much pain you were in. You know she wasn’t thinking straight. She wasn’t going to give out any of the addresses, but seeing you injured was all it took for her brain to go haywire.

She turned back to the unsub, who was waiting expectantly at the answer, before she spat, “Go to hell.”

Askari growled before raising up a gun he had concealed and pointing it at you. “Her first.”

Hotch and Morgan burst into the basement.

“Tivon Askari and Michael Hastingsl, you are under arrest. Put your weapons down and your hands in the air.” Hotch ordered and the younger man immediately fell onto the ground.

But of course, the Askari didn’t go down without a fight. He turned and pointed the gun at Hotch with his finger on the trigger. 

Morgan didn’t hesitate to shoot him multiple times. He fell onto the ground in front of you. Morgan immediately went to your aide, pressing pressure on your wounds. Hotch unchained JJ and she immediately ran to your side.

Morgan put your arm over his shoulder and helped you to your feet. JJ got on your other side and they walked you out to the waiting ambulances. 

---

Once you had been patched up, you decided to sit in the back of one of the ambulances. Feeling eyes on you, you looked around, and saw JJ staring. When you smiled at her, she made her way over.

“How are you? Feeling better?” She asked. Instead of answering her questions, you look up at her and inquire, “Did you mean what you said in there? That you love me with every bone in your body?” 

JJ blushed and looked away, but you grabbed her face and tilted it back towards you. “I meant it when I said it. Did you?” 

She nods and whispers, “Yes. Of course I did.” 

That was all you needed before you pulled her down into a passionate kiss. She immediately kissed you back before seating herself on your lap. You tried to deepen the kiss, but you bumped your nose, and winced, causing her to pull back and apologize profusely.

You shut her up with another kiss, this one more loving and sweet. She smiled and had a dazed look on her face.

“I love you, Y/N Y/L/N.”

“I love you, Jennifer Jareau.”

---

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[literary-illuminati]

Book Review 37 – The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue by V. E. Schwab

I picked this up for my still-somewhat-theoretical bookclub with some friends, and honestly probably wouldn’t have looked at it otherwise. (The only previous work of Schwab I’d read was Vicious which I was, honestly, not particularly impress by.) So chalk one up for book clubs I suppose, because I’m incredibly happy I gave this a try.

The book follows the eponymous Adeline “Addie” LaRue, a peasant girl in late 17th century southern France who, desperately trying to escape marriage and a life limited to one tiny farming village, and just generally being a peasant, makes a deal with the devil. (Or primordial darkness. Or some ancient pagan god she learned about from the old witch living in the woods that comes standard with every peasant village – it’s somewhat vague, and doesn’t really matter regardless. He goes by Luc.) The deal is for her freedom – she will get to live life untethered and according to her own desires, until she is sick of it, and when she is, her soul will be his.

What this means is that she is a) immortal, and eternally 23 years old, and any change to her body reverts in a matter of moments, but also b) incapable of leaving a mark on the world. People literally forget her the moment she is out of their sight, any letters she writes fade before she finishes a word, she is quite literally incapable of saying her own name out loud and has to pick a pseudonym out of the air with each new interaction, and so on. Reality also conspires against her having more than she can carry on her person – stashes are discovered or accidentally destroyed by what seems like random chance.

The book’s divided more or less in half, with a singular narrative in 2014 New York where Addie has a meet cute with Henry – a 28 year old bohemian bookstore clerk whose made his own (much, much worse) deal with the devil, and as a happy unintended consequence is actually able to remember her – being intercut with flashback chapters telling the wider story of Addie’s three-hundred-year life, how she adapted to her blessing/curse and figured out how to have a life of something other than endlessly freezing and starving in Parisian gutters, and her relationships with Luc.

To lay my cards on the table – Henry is charming, and the book’s New York is fun and appealing, but the historical vignettes really do make the book and elevate it a bit beyond pleasant but forgettable fluff. Partially just because the nature of Addie’s anonymous immortality is so specific, the book has a lot of fun with how she learned to navigate and make the most of it. The utter misery she’d been stuck with and endured also grounds (..maybe not the right word, given the immortality, but you know what I mean) the generally pretty fluffy New York narrative a bit.

Also, given how much I loathe the whole ‘death is what makes life meaningful!’ cliche, I really do appreciate that even after spending however long buried in a snowbank in a Parisian slum perpetually one second away from freezing to death, Addie’s reaction to ‘would you make the same deal again?’ is ‘fuck you, I’m immortal!”.

The plot of the present day New York chapters...exists. If mostly as connective tissue for cute dates and descriptions of bars and art shows; this is really overwhelmingly a character piece, and after that the focus is still more on making specific scenes and vignettes vivid more than any sort of overarching drama. Which isn’t any sort of complaint, to be clear – adding action or high stakes politics or a cosmic battle between good and evil or anything else would have ruined this. The fact that the book keeps its stakes limited to a few specific souls is a huge point in its favour.

The novel’s organized around a romance (I mean, a love triangle, technically), though given the ending I’m not sure it technically qualifies for the weirdly specific criteria for a Romance Novel I’ve been yelled out about in the past. It’s not exactly the sort of love story that’s going to set the world on fire, anyway; though Henry was charming and sympathetic and inoffensive enough to effortlessly vault into my top tier of least annoying romance male love interests.

Luc I think I would have absolutely despised if either Addie had ended up buying into his bullshit or if the narration ever really tried to make you sympathize with him. As is, it’s incredibly to read him as actually sincerely falling sincerely in love with Addie at a certain point, and she basically never stops hating him to the point of going all unreliable narrator and always framing his actions as more Machiavellian and monstrous than they are. It’s great.

It’s not exactly surprising how studiously apolitical the book is, but it did still kind of strike me? Given the span of history involved, I mean – the French Revolution and World War One both intrude on the narrative exclusively as ‘bad news Addie gets out of Paris/Europe to evade’. The only active political stance she’s shown as taking in the entire modern era is returning to France during WW2 to be an anti-nazi spy out of a vague sort of patriotism.

On the one hand oh my god a version of this book that went ‘she’s queer and was alive at the time, so obviously Addie would have been at Stonewall’ would have just been, so so bad lol. But the part of me that loves drama and books that get internet hate campaigns dedicated to them does kind of wish the book had done a bit more with what she (immortal 23-year-old early modern bohemian aesthete runaway peasant girl) actually believes or thinks of the world.

Though the book’s restraint on involving historical events vanishes entirely in the cultural sphere – Beethoven makes an appearance, having sold his soul for artistic genius. I don’t mind this too much, honestly; Addie learning that even if she can’t leave a direct mark she can still inspire people and indirectly shape the world that way is a pretty central theme to the whole book, so it more or less fits. When she justifies why she considers her life worth living, the central element is beauty, she lives for songs and fine meals and paintings and books and films. The occasional intrusion of names I recognize just feels like it fits.

Speaking of: quite possibly my favourite bit of the book is how, at the beginning of each part, there’s a page with a sketch and an auctioneer’s description of a different piece of fine art that Addie had inspired over the course of her long life. Nothing much intelligent to say about them specifically, just that I adored the little touches it added.

Unfortunately, the ending of this was the weakest part of it by leaps and bounds. Just – it would have been damn near perfect, if it just ended two chapters before it did! As is, re contextualizing the entire book as an artifact that exists in universe just makes the entire thing make no sense at all (also, my god, can you imagine being Robbie or Henry’s family and reading how you’re portrayed in his ‘novel’?) But even beyond that, it felt like the book had reached a natural, nicely bittersweet ending, and then spent the last ten pages furiously trying to backtrack and make it as unambiguous and upbeat as possible. A damn shame.

Anyway, not a revelatory read or anything, but with that exception very fun and well-put together.

[astralfms]

[ … ] ❀ you’re not from around here , are you? i figured because you totally just missed { CELESTE JAMES } walking by. don’t tell me you don’t know who { SHE } is/are ? they kind of look like { NATASHA LIU BORDIZZO } and i could be wrong but i think that they might be { TWENTY EIGHT } years old right now. they’ve been living in palmview for the last { TWENTY YEARS }. and i don’t know if anyone has ever told them this before but they kind of remind me of { CARRIE BRADSHAW } from { SEX AND THE CITY }. if you stick around the town long enough you might catch them in action working at { SUNSET VILLA BEACH } as a { LIFESTYLE VLOGGER }. you see this town isn’t really that big of a place, some folks like to call them the { VIDEOPHILE } of palmview! they took a liking to the name too after a while, go figure. oh crap, they must have heard me yapping. they’re coming this way. i got to warn you though, rumor has it they can pretty { SELF ABSORBED } at times. i wouldn’t take it too seriously though, from the times i’ve spoken to them they seemed pretty { CHEERFUL } to me. we see each other all the time since they live in that { TWO BEDROOM } apartment beside me over in { MANGO BAY }. i better leave you to it. it was nice meeting you

STATISTICS:

full name: celeste james

nicknames: cel, cely, letty

birthday: may 12, 1995

hometown: cape cod, massachusetts

occupation: social media influencer, lifestyle vlogger

hobbies: vlogging, trying new food spots, serial dating, shopping

lives: mango bay lofts

BACKGROUND:

enter: celeste, first born of the james family. her mother likes to tease that she was born to be an older sister. in fact, she'd rub her mom's pregnant belly and say, "my baby, my baby." it's safe to say that her childhood was largely focused on playing with her sister, doing any silly thing she could to make her laugh, and getting into as much trouble as you'd expect of two girls under five. when their family packed up and moved to palmview, celeste made it her personal mission to show charlotte that moving was no big deal. so what, they'd packed up their whole lives and moved across the country? that just meant they'd have new adventures to go on, and it wasn't like they wouldn't go back to visit. this mindset stuck with her throughout her life, choosing to see the cup half full even when logic told her otherwise.

her teen years were as chaotic as you'd expect, celeste taking full advantage of her short summers in cape cod. parties, boys, sneaking out, boys, nights on the beach, boys. rinse and repeat. during this time she swore she was just making the most of her teenage years, but her parents would say they let her watch way too much sex and the city. this would become exaggerated one summer when celeste got the bright idea to take her dads boat out at night, all in efforts to impress a boy. she'd been sailing with her dad since she was a kid, what could go wrong, right? wrong. she hadn't accounted for the coast guard, who luckily let her off with a warning, ( and a call to her parents. ) for the rest of the summer, they cut her off entirely, forcing her into her first summer job.

this is where she met her first true best friend, who was able to speak some knowledge into that delusional head of celeste's. instead of pouring all that energy into boys, she was encouraged to take her ambition and ideas and put them into making videos. her friend was convinced she had what it took to make it big. following this advice was the best thing for her, although, her bad habits hadn't left entirely. after graduation, and throughout college, celeste was known to party on the weekends and seen with a new beau in what seemed like every other new vlog. it's not her fault she's a lover girl, right? at least, that's what she tells herself.

tldr; celeste is a silly goofy girl that hasn't quite grown out of her boy obsessed phase. her friends encourage her to put that ambition into something creative, and she does, but that only keeps her delusion at bay for so long. will she overcome the boy fever? will she ever not be a sleazebag wrapped in a pretty package? stay tuned and find out!

[percywinchester27]

*Waves nervously* Hey, guys! It’s me... back again :)

Firstly, thank you so much for the kind messages. You folks are some of the sweetest peeps around, no kidding. I actually did make a long post explaining everything about a month back, but tumblr being tumblr glitched and the post was lost forever to the tumblr abys when I hit ‘post.’ I didn’t have it in me then to rewrite the whole thing. The gist of it is:

1. My grandmother passed away (That bit everyone knows because it was the last post I made)

2. Two days after that, I decided to mess up my life even more and end a ten-year-old kind-of relationship. People who have been following me for a while now would know about it.

3. College life got really, really hard all of a sudden. The academic pressure, unnecessarily severe HOD and crushing work burden basically left me with no time to write or be here. 

4. This was my first time living by myself in a new city and I have no shame in admitting that I underestimated how much effort it is to keep yourself alive, pay the rent by yourself and adjust to living in a whole new city.

5. I got sick in the middle. Really sick. Lost 12 pounds kind of sick. It sucked.

Long story short, I feel like a different person from the one who posted the last chapter of ‘The New Mrs. Winchester.’ The girl who envisioned the story had fallen out of love long ago and clung to the series by making it a coping mechanism, to continue living in denial, afraid to spit out the words that would end the relationship. The reader in the series had a man who understood her trauma, and treated her the way she needed to be treated... and I didn’t have that in real life. The series had become an escape of sorts. But the more I wrote it, the more resentful I felt for what the reader had and what I didn’t. That’s never good, right? Starting to envy your own creation?

Then my grandmother passed. And you know that reckless self-destructive urge to wreck everything when even one thing goes wrong? Yeah, that’s what made me pick up the phone and end it. I did it by text because my voice wouldn’t hold and I couldn’t stop crying. I think I cried for hours in my tiny room. Then the next day I had to leave for a study trip so I didn’t even have the support of my friends... no shoulder to cry on. Back then, I thought I deserved to feel the pain, deserved to be alone and deal with it myself because I was hurting a good soul. It was a dark time. Everything seemed to be falling apart. 

In the end, he was quite nice about it, and we ended it like two mature people with nothing but best wishes for one another. I hope he is happy in the country he wants to make his home. 

It’s been five months since. I am doing so much better now. I have adjusted to the losses and recovered about ten pounds ;) I’ve also started seeing someone new. He’s very good to me :)

For the summer months, I’m back home. Agreed there’s a 45 hours a week internship, but I don’t have to fend for myself day in and day out. So, while there are no promises... I’ll do my best to get back to writing! I am hoping to get some of my writing inspiration back... So fingers crossed? ;)

If you’ve stuck around till here.... once again, thank you for not ditching my ass in the five months of radio silence. You guys are truly something.

Love always!

-Ana xoxo

[look-at-the-stars-tonight]

I have more thoughts about Chalice of the Gods

When I was getting through the first hundred pages or so I was a little :/ prob because I’m getting back into the books over a decade later and I had Expectations that I didn’t have as a kid. You could have thrown anything at me and I would have been DELIGHTED just to hear more of Percy’s story. I think the nostalgia factor was actually kind of a negative for me because I kept getting mad at the modern references and how low the stakes seemed to be. I did see a post about how it was good that Rick kept the books at whatever time he wrote them (in terms of references) because it’s literally just like the olympians growing and modernizing. You can’t stay stuck in the past. And I think keeping that perspective in mind will make rereads a lot more fun.

The low stakes seemed to bother me just because we’re so used to seeing Percy in horrible world ending situations and we just got out of HOO. But he really did deserve a break and it was helpful with developing his characterization

I didn’t expect the books to make me feel so emotional! I’ve been out of the horrifying college admissions process for a while now. But the questions he was wrestling with were very universal. At this point he’s accepted that the gods are what they are. There’s not much he can do to change them. He has to focus on himself and his future. And I am a little disappointed that his goals all seem to be around Annabeth. Like I love them but also he’s going to new Rome JUST for her it seems. But also when I was in high school I decided to go to college because that’s what Everyone Does right. I didn’t know trade school was an option. Feeling a little bit like ur life is on a set path and your choices are controlled by other people a bit was at least part of my high school experience. But also from a story perspective it does make sense that he wants to stick with Annabeth! They’ve been through a ridiculous amount together.

Sally having a kid and the emotions that it brought up was also a good way to show that transitional period between leaving home and starting a new life. Your parents are going to move on and do their own thing and their lives won’t revolve around you anymore. Also in general the whole Paul/sally/percy/annabeth dynamic was fucking amazing. The way Paul and sally accepted Annabeth into their lives and how happy they all are is what she fucking deserves!!

I think the end is what really got me. Some of it felt really silly and I did absolutely roll my eyes when Percy told the god he loved him and hugged him. But also him ACCEPTING that he would likely get old was so cathartic. This is a boy who was supposed to die at 16. And barely escaped death again after having his memories wiped and falling into fucking Tartarus. Hes never gotten a break and hes said, in multiple books, that he expects to die very young. This is the first time he says ‘wait I might survive this. I might get old and if I do it’ll be by Annabeth and Grover’s side.’ Percy fucking Jackson who has been the subject of COUNTLESS prophecies, who is reminded time and time again that he isn’t supposed to exist, even by people that he loves, (that was a lil mean of u in the intro Poseidon) CHOOSES to accept that he might get old. Like of course this boy doesn’t have much of a plan for his life yet other than ?? Follow Annabeth?? When has he gotten a chance to think about it!

This is something I did project upon a bit because I didn’t except to live to 18! Or 20! Or 22! And it’s only now at 24 that I’m starting to Accept that I might be here a little longer than I expected and now I have to Plan Accordingly. Like I have to learn these stupid life skills and figure out what I Want from my life now. And unlike Percy, I’m a little angry about it lol because I never expected to have this problem!! But, I too, am slowly accepting that time on earth is a gift or whatever. At the very least I’m stuck here for the foreseeable future so I might as well use it to learn who I am. I GUESS. In my life, Death has always been this ever-present choice I could take if things got a little too tough and I don’t know if that door will ever fully close but I have been dragged away from it kicking and screaming so. Might as well stick around. I’m still a little bitter about it honestly but I’ll get over it. I have to learn how to COOK guys. How fucked up is that. To care about the mundane all of a sudden??

Anyways. I doubt that’s the metaphor Rick was going for, it was probably more of a ‘your childhood ends! You’re gonna get older and that’s a good thing’ instead of a ‘one day you might not have killed yourself and you’ll realize that you’re actually stuck living this life and you gotta learn to fucking deal with it.’

Ok I could go on for hours so this is the last thing. Percy’s conversation with Poseidon, about how small waves are the ones that matter the most, REALLY resonated with me. Like I think I teared up at two parts of this book, the old age part and the conversation with between them at the end. It’s really easy to convince yourself that the way you alter your life is through Sweeping All-Consuming Change where you move to a different continent and begin anew. Unfortunately, through bitter experience, I’ve learned that’s not how things fucking work. Changing your surroundings does lead to new experiences but it doesn’t make ur problems go away! I moved halfway across the state and got what I genuinely believe is the best job on earth and I. Still have the same issues?? And then I thought ok maybe I was wrong this Wasn’t the best job I just need to find one that’s Better but that’s. Not how things work.

This is getting away from me but basically what I’m trying to say is u can make grand changes and it might fix u for a little while but unfortunately you have to put in the work and do the stupid boring mundane things like go on walks and journal and exercise and do things that scare the fuck out of u to actually change and grow and it’s so goddamn annoying. I should be able to become a different person just by being somewhere else but I can’t.

Wait I’m supposed to be relating this to Percy Jackson. So Percy can go on these life altering world defining quests right. And make all the right choices. But who he is at his core is defined by the choices that he makes when the stakes aren’t that high. When it would be So Easy to walk away from Ganymede and go live his life. And I know some people didn’t like that Poseidon was like ‘this is when I knew you were a hero’ of fucking COURSE he knows Percy has been this hero his whole life. But he’s also this person when there isn’t some prophecy, when he doesn’t have to be, when it’s just a mild inconvenience. It’s easy to talk about changing the world. It’s harder to go out there and take those little baby steps that don’t feel like they matter all that much. He has actually changed the world and just not talked about it but hopefully u get what I’m saying. I just liked that thing about small waves being able to sweep you off your feet when you didn’t expect it ok!! Most change is incremental!!

Ok that’s it. Loved Chalice, will probably enjoy it more on a reread and it resonated with me in ways I didn’t expect.

[hydrangeyes]

Unnamed

So if you don't know, Yes this already existed, my old account was deleted (accident but I can tell I won't be getting it back), and am reposting my old x male reader works!

I don't know if I saved all of them but here is one that was saved to my AO3 account.

Edit: So shuffling through my docs It's been brought to my attention that wattpad (who I use as backup) Cut a lot of my fics in half??? anyway I'll be trying to fix that also

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Edit Nov.8.2023:

*Looks everywhere but at you* it..it was going to be pwp.

Botw link x male lynel hybrid

Warning: kinda slow burn, romance is there????, it is, courting, violence, slight misunderstanding, belly bulge, big dick, cum play, ass eating, blow jobs, pet play, overstimulation, nipple play/light torture, somniphilia, crying, light angst, public sex, voyeurism, switch link, switch oc, updated as I write lmao, this is pretty slice of life tbh, just with porn, ruts/heats, This is some wild shit, Wow google search please don’t 

Are you telling me lynel's exist and someone hasn't once thought "maybe 👀 these centaur babes can get it?" Cause I honestly don't believe that.

================================================

Chapter 1: I love Chabi, I feel like she would be a gremlin.

Note: Puuuuuure self-indulgence. Like listen my brain went brrrrrrrrr, this is for fellow monsterfuckers

Traveling after fighting Ganon all at once was rather...fun. Maybe it’s because he went straight to the source of evil and somehow lucked out. And now don’t have a sense of urgency to get to that end goal. The collecting of his memories happened right after as well and by then the princess herself wanted to truly rest up before traveling with him.

He didn’t like the thought of leaving her behind, but he felt a little more at ease that at least she would be staying with Purah for the time being.

Link shivers as he tugs up the fur around his neck. Snowfield was feeling extra chilly for some reason.  He moves a little faster, shuffling through his pockets as he ate one of his emergency peppers. Imagine his relief when he sees the stable just up ahead with a few of the tiny town’s stacked together houses.

“Ah, link!” A voice calls to him once he steps in. The tavern/horse stable wasn’t too packed thank goodness but there was a familiar face. Chabi grins waving at the surprised Hylian.

Chabi and he became pretty good friends after the handful of times Link has saved her as well as traded monster parts with her. She mainly stuck to warmer places and just barely the edges of goron city. It seemed she was acting as an in-between for Kilton and fellow travelers. But being so far from the usual land she would circle in?

“Chabi? A bit far from the base aren’t you?” Link said softly with gesturing to the whole thick woven sweater she was in. Giggling chabi smirks puffing out her chest. “Call me the official Monster tradesman! I’ve started traveling a little further out for those rare materials. Kilton even gifted me with some weapons that’ll protect me better!” she starts up, gesturing him to join her at the little table she was sitting at.

“And so I thought why not start the one place I know the boss doesn’t care to visit. He doesn’t like the cold, he says it makes his feet clammy.”

Link holds back the many questions that pop up in his head about that. Best to store that away with the other questions he has under Kilton’s name. “I..see. So Snowfield was your first stop or?”

“Hm? OH no hehe. Rather some interesting rumors brought me here.”

Feeling like this will be a long one Link waves over a barmaid to buy some spicy curry and hopefully a few fish skewers. Maybe buy a bed for the night as well, just in case, the others get taken.

---------------------------------------------------------

“-And so there I was! Hearing about a lynel wandering between the mountains and near the ruins! And oh I just had to see for myself, maybe ask for a few loose fangs or toenails you know?”

“No. I don’t know.” Link muttered into his drink. It felt like hours since she started this story, before finally getting to the point. He learned way more about how to skin mokoblin guts than he wished. Anyway- “I doubt they would give you a fang but what’s this about it traveling to the ruins?” As far as Link knew most lynels up here were feral or didn’t live anywhere close to the ruins.

“Well, which ruins now that I think about it…” Link asks as Chabi finishes up the last fish skewer. 

“Mhh, Well I say ruins but really it’s the forgotten temple.”

Now that got his attention. What could a lynel want in that guardian-ridden place??? Link frowns leaning back o think about it. That temple of any was the most dangerous and well...Link couldn’t help but feel a little responsible since he didn’t exactly break down the guardians still in there. He was still getting the hang of dealing with those, much less the mobile ones.

The thought of those stalkers since a bone-deep type over shiver. “Why don’t you let me check out if the rumors are true or not. I know you can take on a hoard of bokoblins but even when they’re going easy on you lynels are tough, and rather approach you than vice versa.”

Chabi yawns pouting a bit, sleep probably just now getting to her. “Mm, I suppose. If you can leave them a welcoming message to trade with me please?” she half pleads and half demands. Link nods getting up for a stretch, absolutely happy that she didn’t stop him. He was ready to collapse on the nearest free bed. “I will, soon as I get up I’ll head on over okay?

“Link if I wasn’t so devoted to the boss, I could just kiss you right now!”

“Please don’t.”

------------------------------------------------------

End Notes:

Basing a lot of this on my 3 playthroughs of botw. And I played them chaotically, as well as just overall making some things up. I kinda want there to be a lot more people in the botw world, like stables have small villages of their own (tarrey town size at least).

 I have a whole dnd esc Au for this where most monsters have their own tribes etc. but lynels, Lizalfos, and maybe wizzrobes interact with humanoids and trade with them. Except for maybe wizzrobes, I feel like they’re more steal your shit and bargain it back, type people.

This issss planned to be very long like, there’s a whole courting arc I have in mind, If you’re here just for the porn, it’ll be marked.

Anyway, this will all probably be unedited and sloppy. It’s for fun and the chapter lengths will probably vary as well. Idk why but I like the thought of the monster appreciators hooking us best friends (or partners) and link is just there, rethinking his life choices. 

But again real talk I right this whenever my mind gets staticy so please excuse any grammar issues, the many run-on sentences, etc etc 👍

--------------------------------------------

Chapter 2: O-oh someone fucked a Lynel.

If there's one thing he loved about the snowy areas it was waking up to fresh snow in the morning or nights.

Breathing in that crisp air and starting his journey. Link rubs his cold cheeks, face a bit flushed.

But Chiba woke him up first thing and he will admit he was also wondering about this traveling lynel. The locals (at least the ones up) all mentioned how the lynel kept to themselves, and only came to buy directly from the farmer.

Makes him wonder if the lynel was checking out the area to maybe start up a new home. Shaking his head Link focused on climbing the hill and not sliding off. 

[popbloganddropit]

The Tortured Poets Department - Taylor Swift (Part 1)

I’ll be posting 8 songs at a time to break this lengthy album up a bit.

Initial thoughts: She’s raw and unfiltered in a way she hasn’t been before.

But Daddy I Love Him and Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me are the immediate insane stand outs

The Black Dog? 🤮 CoSoSoM? 🫨 how did it end? Drag meeee for being nosy.

1. Fortnight (feat. Post Malone)- This is a very interesting introductory track/lead single. There’s some blending of (as far as we know) truth and fiction, which i think stays throughout the album. However, there’s not a ton for me lyrically or sonically for me to connect to here. The missing rhyme scheme in the first lines is distracting. I would have liked a little more Post Malone overall and a bit more duetting. I’m sure there’s some symbolism in their voices rarely overlapping in meaningful ways, but the hints of it we get sound good, and I want MORE. 3/5

Best Line: “All my mornings are Mondays stuck in an endless February. I took the miracle move-on drug, the effects were temporary.”

2. The Tortured Poets Department- I like the sound of this, the melodies, most of the cheeky humor (“I think things I never say, like ‘Who uses typewriters anyway?’”), but the Charlie Puth and Golden Retriever lines really ruin it for me. They totally take me out of the vibe and are distractingly out of pocket. 2/5

Best Line: I like the “I’ve seen/read” lines in the pre-chorus, but the unhinged-ness of putting something as raw and exposed as, “But you told Lucy you'd kill yourself if I ever leave. And I had said that to Jack about you, so I felt seen” in a public space really sets the tone of the album.

3. My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys- I love her echo-y, layered vocals. Her cadence sounds like war drums that really fits the toy soldier metaphor. I think some slight production tweaks would have really taken it over the top. The vocals sound so cool, but there’s still room for a little more than a thwacking drum machine and a hint of sparkly synth. 3/5

Best Line: I love “I’m queen of sandcastles he destroys”. Runner up goes to “‘Cause you should’ve seen him when he first ✨saw✨me”.

4. Down Bad- I love the alien abduction theme and the trippy production to match. The dichotomy of the space-y verses and daily-life drudgery of the chorus works on a metaphoric and Down bad crying at the gym? The self awareness to call it teenage petulance before just saying “fuck it”? People not getting that Miss Swift is sometimes jealous king around and doesn’t take herself seriously 100% off the time will never make sense to me. 4/5

Best Line: “Did you really beam me up, in a cloud of sparkling dust?”

5. So Long, London- once the beat comes in, we’re off to the races and you can’t quite catch your breath through this whole song, especially with the gut-punching lyrics. A beautiful arrangement from Aaron Dessner here that effortlessly carries the weight of anger and heartbreak. 5/5

Best line: “And you say I abandoned the ship, but I was going down with it, my white knuckle dying grip.”

6. But Daddy, I Love Him- I love everything about this song. It sounds like a sunny, summer day. Maybe the narrator is a little delusional, but whomst amongst us hasn’t been? The bridge telling people off a bit is a great moment for her. “I’ll tell you something about my good name, it’s mine alone to disgrace,” feels like something she’s needed to say for a while. 5/5

Best line: there’s a lot of great moments, but, “I’m having his baby. No, I’m not, but you should see your faces” is such a hilarious double-take moment upon first listen that it has to take the crown.

7. Fresh Out the Slammer- I have seen the steaming numbers and y’all are SLEEPING on this track! It’s sad, it’s wistful, it’s a little sexy, it’s everything. I love the rolling cadence of the verses and the slower, haunting choruses. The decelerating outro is perfection. 5/5

Best line: “Now, pretty baby, I'm running back home to you. Fresh out the slammer, I know who my first call will be to”.

8. Florida!!! (Ft. Florence and the Machine) - Florida has committed various atrocities on the people of the United States of America, but this is absolutely not one of them. A song of escapism, ghosts, and a banging drum chorus that earns those three exclamation points. Hurricane Florence is a beautiful addition to the track and it wouldn’t sound out of place on an album of hers either. Every line of this is an earworm that you’ll catch h yourself singing over and over again. Fuck me up, Florida (!!!), indeed. 5/5

Best Line: “Barricaded in the bathroom with a bottle of wine. Well me and my ghosts, we had a hell of a time.”

[jonesyjonesyjonesy]

Wildflowers (pt. ixx)

a john paul jones x fem!oc fic

summary: Julia Morgan knew nannying for three girls who had recently lost their mother would come with many challenges. But she never thought their father, the enigmatic musician John Paul Jones, would be causing her the most trouble. And while Julia is not in the business of saving broken men, her tenderness might be meant for more than little girls and wildflowers.

table of contents │ previous chapter

masterlist│ko-fi

notes: nsfw, exhibitionism

a/n:  well, i know it's been a while, but life just kind of goes goes goes when you're not looking, doesn't it? thanks for your patience. if you feel inclined to leave a comment or a word or two, it would be much appreciated. love you all.

pt. ixx, ground ivy

"You're mine, you're mine, you're mine."

“We have to stop meeting like this.”

“You love it. Now put this on.”

I eyed the white dress hanging on the end of Pat’s finger. “I’m not sure it’ll fit.”

“Oh, criminy. Don’t act like you’re dragging a trolley around.”

I blushed, spinning my arse toward the mirror and running a hand over my dress to show off the curve. “It’s deceptively large, Pat.”

“Julia, I’ve had two children,” Pat scoffed.

“And it doesn’t show.”

She huffed. “Put the bloody dress on, would you?”

I snatched the dress out of her hand and went behind the dressing screen in the corner of the guest room.

“I’m surprised you don’t have a tennis dress, love,” she piped.

“Why’s that?” I asked, voice muffled through the fabric of the dress as I pulled it over my head.

“Oh, you just give off that sort of tennis playing girl feeling. Don’t you think?”

I was not about to admit that I played quite a bit in school. I’d given up the sport altogether while I was with Nick. I hated being stuck with the girlfriends and wives of his barrister friends who were mostly vapid (and that, I thought, was a rather generous assessment). “I feel like that’s not a compliment.”

“No! Of course it is. You’re very elegant. Posh, even.”

I groaned. “Don’t say that.”

“I’m only telling you what’s true.”

I straightened out the dress before coming out from behind the screen.

“Oh, Julia, you look darling.”

I turned to look in the mirror. It did fit rather nicely, showing off my assets, but also the pudge of my arms I didn’t particularly like. I pulled at the fabric to lay flatter on my stomach. “Posh is how I’d describe my mother.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

I laughed. “It is.” My mother was the textbook definition of the word, made even worse by the fact we were not wealthy by any means, but right on the cusp of upper middle class, which made her feel entitled to pretension. “Well, I guess it’ll do.”

“Yes, more than do.” Pat came up behind me and fluffed out the skirt. “You should keep it. Looks better on you than me.”

“You know, if John had given me some forewarning this would be happening, I’d –”

“Don’t be too upset with him. The planning was very last minute, what with the children and John – my John – he always bristles against leaving for too long, the blessed thing. And plus there was the whole issue of Miranda and –”

My ears perked up. I hadn’t heard that name in quite some time. “Miranda?”

Pat’s eyes widened innocently. “Oh yes, I had planned on inviting her. An extended date for John. Thought I’d try again with her since things didn’t seem to…work out between you.”

I blinked. “Why didn’t you then?”

Pat smiled. “Well, John told me he wasn’t interested.”

“Oh.”

“Said he was preoccupied in…other ways,” Pat said with a waggle of her eyebrows.

Immediately, I was struck with ire. Didn’t John know the old adage ‘loose lips sink ships’? “He told you?! Are you serious?”

“No, he didn’t. But you just did.”

I gaped and tried to recover, but all that came out of my mouth was stuttering nothingness.

“To be fair, John isn’t the best at keeping a secret when he’s had champagne. I had to suspect when we were at Jimmy’s and I asked after you and instead of answering he just giggled.”

I balled my hands into fists.

“Julia,” Pat said in a girlish drawl, leaning her arm on my shoulder. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

I wanted to tell her the honest truth: that it felt too complicated to tell. If I had thought Montreux was hard to explain, the past month would have been even more difficult.

Though I desperately clung onto the days leading up to John’s departure, my fingernails left no marks in the passage of time. Between managing the girls and balancing my emotions whilst also providing my usual ministry toward John (physically, emotionally, desperately), time was not on my side and before I knew it, it was the first day of school.

It helped that everyone was in good spirits. I could smile along, laugh, and enjoy life the way we had been in those twilight days of summer.

When I was alone with Annie, though, I was able to divulge my fears and secrets. She had either gotten over her resentment or pitied me enough to lend me an ear. Either way, I was grateful for it. I needed somewhere to pour out my feelings. I couldn’t taint John’s excitement and delight at the idea of “getting back at it”, as he put it.

It still didn’t make much sense to me after all the time he’d spent avoiding being goaded into returning to the madness of Zeppelin. But I had no place to question it.

I was just the lover.

Although…it was not lost on John that our time together was waning. He was exceptionally attentive when he could be. The moment we returned home from dropping the girls off for their first day of the school year, he shepherded me into the studio to sate his growing desire.

“Tomorrow…” he muttered. A cigarette hung from his mouth as he lazily buttoned up his shirt.

“Tomorrow, what?” I asked, moving at a much more sluggish pace, having to recover from being ruthlessly shagged.

John tugged his belt closed. “Bonzo and Pat are going to be popping by.”

I widened my eyes. “Popping by?”

“Relax, Julia.” He handed me his cigarette as he headed over to the piano. He was moving awfully fast these days. “Pat’s been nagging me for a visit and since we’ll be heading out on Wednesday, it just made sense for them to come down a day early. Then we can take off together.”

I took a drag of the cigarette, picking up my underwear from the floor. John began to play a tune as if I wasn’t even in the room. “They’ll be spending the night?”

His eyes flicked up to me and he smiled. “Yes. You’ll have to be on your best behavior.”

I suddenly felt exposed with my sleeve hanging off my shoulder. I readjusted it and rested my elbows on my knees. “I haven’t spoken to Pat since we were in Montreux.”

“She won’t hold it against you. You’ve been preoccupied.”

 I giggled. “I suppose so.”

John’s playing paused. He jerked his head toward the bench. “Come sit.”

I ashed the cigarette and went to the piano, sitting tentatively on the bench next to him. The studio was cleaner than it had been, mostly because I’d forced him to tidy up. No clothing on chairs or errant stacks of records.

John went back to playing, something quieter. “You’re off, Julia.” 

I raised my eyebrows.

“You think I haven’t noticed.”

I couldn’t respond because it was true. Perhaps I had misjudged him.

“Are you scared?”

I chewed on my lower lip and nodded, unwilling to answer him verbally.

“Because I’m leaving?”

A child. I felt like a child as he tried to coax out an answer from me. “I’ll be fine,” I said with a deep breath, forcing a smile.

John stopped playing again. He didn’t look up from the keys.

I had considered that I should ask. But I was always too afraid to utter those words. If I asked where we were going, I was worried John wouldn’t know or, worse, decide “nowhere” was the answer. “I don’t want you to worry,” I said, softly touching his wrist. “I know it will be hard for you to be away from the girls.”

This wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t my truth.

“Yes, but I know the feeling. I’m not looking forward to it, but I remember it somewhat,” John replied. He turned his hand over and interlaced his fingers with mine. “Besides, I know they’re in good hands.”

My heart sang. I would take every win I could, even if it wasn’t the thing I needed. It was better than nothing. “I’ll take good care of them.”

John started to trace his fingers along the back of my hand. “Is that what you need to hear? That I am confident you’ll take good care of them?”

I needed to hear so much more than that. But I could not bring myself to ask. “That’d be nice.”

He smiled. “I am confident that you’ll take good care of my girls.” Then, he brought my hand up to his lips and kissed it. “I trust you completely.”

I leaned my head onto his shoulder. “How far we’ve come.”

“Very far. And you better get out of here before either of us ‘comes’ any farther,” he said, pushing me away playfully, hand against my sternum.

I laughed and tumbled off the bench to my feet. We both had work to do. John started playing again as I headed for the door but spoke before I could slip out. “You don’t happen to have a tennis skirt, do you?”

I turned around with a bewildered look. “Pardon me?”

“A tennis skirt. For tomorrow.”

“What do you mean a tennis skirt for tomorrow?”

“We’ll be playing tennis tomorrow per Pat’s request. Naturally, you’ll need a tennis skirt.”

This man left me more and more speechless by the minute.

“I’ll take that as a ‘no’.” John stopped playing and notated something on the sheet music in front of him. “It’s no matter. I’ll tell Pat to bring something for you.”

“Right. Tennis.”

“Don’t get in your head, Julia,” John teased with a smirk.

“Not in my head at all.” Very much in my head, thank you for noticing. I opened the door and said wryly, “In fact, if you’d refer to me as Billie Jean King for the rest of the day, I’d much appreciate it.”

John laughed, “Alright, Billie Jean. If Battle of the Sexes is what you want, it’s what you’ll get.”

Now, here I was in Pat’s white tennis dress, having shown my whole hand to her because I didn’t see through her trickery. “I don’t know. It’s very tender.”

“So, didn’t anything happen at Montreux?”

I rolled my eyes. “Pat –”

“If you don’t answer the question, I’m just going to assume, you know.”

I smiled at the memory of that first kiss.

Pat batted me on the arm. “You little tart! You know how badly I’ve felt all this time thinking I’ve made things awkward, and it turns out you were just being secretive?”

“I’m sorry,” I said through laughter. “I’m sorry, you know, it’s just so…tender.”

“Tender sounds perfect.”

“Yes, but that’s not how I mean. I mean that it’s tenuous.” Tender and tenuous.

Pat narrowed her eyes. “You don’t know where you stand, then.”

“God, you’re good.”

She shrugs. “Just been around the block. You know I’m awfully old.”

I didn’t know how old she was but “awfully” was not how I’d describe it.

“Anyway.” She gave me her arm to take and guided me out of the guest room. “We’ll figure out where you stand today. Mark my words.”

“Don’t do anything stupid or obvious, Pat. We’ve never been around other people. I’m sure we’re going to pretend like nothing has been happening at all.”

Pat snickered. “Please, it doesn’t take a genius to spot two people who want to tear each other’s clothes off pretending they don’t want to tear each other’s clothes off.”  Then, she tossed her blonde hair back and sniffed. “Besides. I’m not obvious.”

“Sure. Keep telling yourself that.             

The two of us tittered and made our way out to the terrace where the Johns were waiting in similarly matching white tennis sets.

“Aren’t you two adorable?” Pat exclaimed and bounced over to Bonzo, leaping into his lap and spreading her hand across his broad chest. “Just suits you, I think.”

“Don’t lie. I look like a meringue,” Bonzo grumbled.

She patted her hand on his stomach. “Don’t be silly.”

John was standing near the edge of the terrace, his foot up on a stone to tie one of his shoes. I was avoiding looking at him to hopefully put on an air of distance, although that seemed rather silly considering three of the four of us knew what was going on. And it was doubtful Pat hadn’t been talking to her husband about it.

So we’re just going to posture until someone keels over and dies, are we?

“Well, shall we?” Pat asked excitedly.

“If we must,” Bonzo said, pushing himself up to standing with her still in his arms.

She laughed and squirmed out of his arms. “Oh, no you don’t.” She picked up their racket bag from the table. She really could have been at Wimbledon. The whole look suited her. “Let’s go.”

Bonzo followed his wife off the terrace toward the tennis court.

Strings of a racket entered my visions. “Got one for you.”

I followed the contour of the racket, held by a hand I knew so well, up his arm, and finally, looked into John’s sapphire eyes. “Thank you,” I said, delicately taking the racket from him.

John glanced at the court where Pat was already practicing her swing and Bonzo was imitating her. This was met with riotous laughter from her. “You look nice.”

“John.”

“What? I mean it, the little skirt,” John teasingly glanced down at my bottom, “suits you.”

I sighed. “That’s not…Pat already knows about…” I crooked my finger and gestured between the two of us.

John feigned shock. “What? Did you tell her?”

“I said nothing.” One little white lie wouldn’t hurt. “Apparently you spilled the beans while you were drunk on champagne at Jimmy’s.”

I started for the tennis court; John quickly caught up with my stride. “Now, just a second. I did not ‘spill the beans’. I did nothing of the sort.”

“How would you remember if you were so drunk?”

“I’d certainly remember if I told people about –” John mocked the earlier move of my finger.

“Don’t move your finger like that at me!”

“You did it first!” 

“Yoo-hoo!” Pat called out, waving her hand excitedly. “Are you going to just stand there gawking at each other or come play?”

“We’re coming! Goodness, you’re as impatient as a calf on a tit!” I shouted at her.

Bonzo guffawed. “Yes, that’s about right.”

I touched my mouth softly, mortification setting in.

“Calf on a tit, mm?” John asked with a humored waggle of his eyebrows. 

“Sometimes the farm just comes out,” I grumbled. “Especially when I’m annoyed.”

“Julia…” he admonished. “Don’t be cross with me.” Then, to my surprise, he wrapped his hand around my waist and pulled me close. “If they know, they know. Makes it more fun, doesn’t it?” He capped off his public display with a soft kiss to my cheek.

I was stunned. I was absolutely ready to disdain him for a long while before I had to be my sweet self. Now, he was kissing me out in the open.

“Let’s have some fun before I go, shall we?”

He was smoother than butter and yet I was the one melting.

“Fine,” I replied and kissed him again, this time on the lips. If he wanted to have fun, I wasn’t taking any prisoners.

From the court, I could hear the hollers of the Bonhams. Brought me back to my school days when everyone was daring one another to kiss over an empty bottle of ale.

“By the way, those suit you,” I said, eyeballing the tiny white shorts doing a poor job of concealing his package.

I walked away before he could respond, wiping my lips clean of his spit. “You didn’t see any of that,” I said to Pat as I approached her.

 Her eyes gleamed. “Definitely not.” She popped her hip up against mine. “What do you think? Mixed doubles?”

“No, no, I promised Julia a battle of the sexes and that’s what it will be,” John announced, swinging his racket over his shoulder as he brushed by me. “Johns against Janes, come on, mate.” He patted Bonzo on the chest and the two walked to the other side of the court.

“Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum, aren’t they?” Pat murmured.

She had a point. Big lumbering John and the smaller, more skittering John. A dynamic duo, an attraction of opposites. I hadn’t seen them play, but I’d heard. You’d be daft not to recognize their enigmatic fusion, full of power and nuance, neither one ever too much or too little.

Perhaps it had been predetermined by their biology.

“We’re serving first!” Pat cried out.

“Ladies first,” Bonzo conceded without any fuss.

Pat prodded my hip with her racket. “Want to serve, or should I?”

“You do it. I’m too rusty. Need to warm up.” I moved to the front of the court.

John and Bonzo mirrored us, John taking the front of the court and Bonzo the back. I got myself in a ready position and gave John a sly smile. “Best of luck.”

He blew me a kiss, sticking the racket out in front of him.

Game on.

“Alright, boys! Watch out!” Pat cried out before throwing the ball upward and elegantly serving the ball over the net, the pop of the tennis ball echoing over the court.

The ball went straight to Bonzo who crudely volleyed it back to me. I backhanded it over the net, right past John, quite literally sending him back in a tailspin; that’s all it took to earn us the first point.

“Rusty, are you?” Pat cackled.

I cocked my hip to the side and smiled. “Some say it’s like riding a bicycle.”

“Or riding something else, eh?”

We both snickered. This was going to be fun.

It quickly became apparent that I had no reason to be worried about my rustiness. Not only was Pat an adept partner, but our opponents were as laughable as the Three Stooges. Practically a slapstick routine how big and little John tripped over one another, darting back and forth, nearly running smack into one another and the ball bumbling between them.

“For God’s sake, could you try at all?” Pat cried out when we'd just surpassed them at forty-love. 

“You takin’ the piss or what?” Bonzo said through heaving breaths. “Didn’t you see me running back and forth around here or –”

“Oh don’t be breathing like you ran to Waterloo and back!” Pat snipped in return.

I couldn’t help laughing. Their rapport was so easy, endearing and needling in the best way.

“I tried,” John (my John) said, leaning up against the net post.

Pat went to him and touched the little curl of his hair at his jaw. “All you’re trying to do is make sure the ball doesn’t hit you square between the eyes while you admire Julia’s tits.” She yanked the lock of his hair playfully.

“Ouch! What was that for?”

“Someone’s got to keep you in check. I know Julia’s too sweet on you to do anything about it,” she said with a shrug of her shoulder. “We’ll go again. Try harder.”

Pat waltzed back to her spot on the court. I should have known she would be competitive.

“You heard her. Try again. And harder, while you’re at it, hm?” I said, emulating Pat’s attitude.

John and John gave each other a look, resigned to their fate. “If I have a coronary…” Bonzo droned.

“I know mouth to mouth,” John replied, shoving him off to the back corner. Before I could return to my place on the court, he caught my eye and smiled. “You’re sweet on me, hm?”

I glanced back at Pat and cocked my head to the side. “She doesn’t know what she’s talking about.”

And with that, I flounced back to my spot on the court, more smug than I probably deserve to be.

The second match went just as poorly except with less balletic antics. They had Pat and me in stitches the way they were stumbling about. We didn’t have it in us to finish the match – wanted to preserve their integrity – and Annie didn't have it in her to continue watching the massacre from the window. She interrupted us with a trayful of aperitifs (an ale for Bonzo, sherry for the rest of us).

I suddenly understood why people liked to play tennis. There was a whole lot of standing around and chatting. A lot of lazing about in the sun, cheeks blushed with alcohol, veiled and not so veiled, teases thrown around.

It felt even better to be at the elbow of a man I was coming to adore much quicker than I could make logical sense of. I liked being eyed over John’s glass of sherry and enjoyed the playful touch of his hand from time to time.

“How’ve you got a whole court in your backyard and you’re that daffy at tennis, Jonesy?” Bonzo asked, a mustache full of foam.

“I’m a busy man,” John replied. The sherry glass looked like a delicate spider web between his fingers.

“Yes, been keeping very busy…” Pat smirked.

John let out a knowing laugh. “Compared to Jimmy’s dart playing, I think I’m a competent tennis player.”

“A caterpillar would be a competent tennis player compared to Jimmy at darts,” Bonzo added with a shrewd smile.

I knocked back the rest of my sherry. “Well, John, I had my battle of the sexes. Maybe we ought to mix things up so your ego isn’t too bruised by the time the day is out.”

“Me? An ego?” John clutched his heart. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“Sure you don’t,” Bonzo laughed low and patted his friend on the back. “Come on. Take your girl, I won’t be hurt.”

Pat wrapped her arm around her husband’s bulging bicep as she joined him on the opposite side of the court.

I didn’t mind being John’s “girl” even if I usually abhorred being called anything but a woman. In the presence of the right man, diminutiveness feels safe and welcoming. In fact, seeing how John treated the girls in his life made me want to be one. A delicate little flower, nourished by his dotage and admired with tenderness. Rather than tenderized like a piece of meat.

“You better serve,” John said.

“So I can make up for your fumbling, hm?”

He smiled sheepishly. “Seems like I’m the Tin Man between the two of us, if we’re comparing rustiness.”

I touched his chin. “Don’t worry. I’ll take care of you.” I leaned in to kiss him and quickly spun away from him before our lips could collide. “Later.”

John guffawed as I slipped out of his grasp. “Later. Alright.”

I walked away with a spring in my step like I’d never felt. Whether it was the sherry or our attraction being witnessed, I didn’t know. I didn’t need to know. All I had to do was work the court with everything I had in me.

Looking at the length of the tennis court, I was suddenly struck with my reality. Julia Morgan, nanny, standing on a tennis court in the sprawling gardens of a Georgian manor house, sleeping with her employer.

If only the Bronte sisters had gotten a load of me.

“Alright, Julia. Give it a rip!” Pat shouted. She was taking the front of the court, counting on Bonzo’s width to control the back of the court.

I gave the white wooly ball a few bounces, then threw it up in the air and gave it my best serve.

Pop! The ball flew across the court. It thwapped the ground and bounced toward Bonzo.

“Got it?!” Pat yelped.

He backhanded it over the net. “Got it!”

“You have to say, ‘got it’ before you get it!”

I couldn’t concentrate more on the conversation. I skittered up the court the moment I saw John whiff it. “Mine,” I grunted and knocked the ball back over the net. Pat and I kept a good volley with the Johns contributing now and then, until I sent the ball to the back corner, and it bounced out of bounds.

“Oo! Fifteen-love to Julia. No thanks to John!”

“I helped a little.”

“Yes, you did, darling,” I cooed, pinching his cheek.

The game was more interesting than boys versus girls, but still ended up being Pat and I doing most of the work which is, when you think of it, sadly true to life.

However, with the alcohol running through our systems, even Pat and I went silly some of the time. Tripping over ourselves, skipping around the court, throwing our heads back with laughter The score went out the window, and we all did a feral, gameless dance.

“I think we’ve won,” I said after several bouts.

“No thanks to me, hm?” John murmured, coming up behind me and stealing a kiss.

I latched a hand onto the breast of his shirt. “Certainly not.”

“I’ll allow it only because you’re sickeningly adorable together,” Pat said with a long, heavy sigh. “I’m awfully tired though. Will you be gutted if we call it quits?”

I wanted nothing more than to retreat into the house for a shower and a number of other things. “No, I think it’s about time.”

“We need a catnap before dinner,” Pat said and then tucked her mouth behind her hand to whisper to me, “At least he does.”

“Are you talkin’ about me over here?”

“Never.” Pat smiled at him innocently and batted her lashes.

Bonzo eyed her and then swiped her legs out from under her and threw her over his shoulder. “Likely story.”

“Oh, you brute,” she sighed dreamily. “See you two at dinner!” Pat yelped, hanging over her husband’s shoulder like a sack of potatoes, attempting to wave goodbye.

John and I both laughed and watched them go off. I smiled surreptitiously at him, touching the lapel of his tennis shirt. “Well, should we follow them?”

He cocked his head, almost confused. “You all finished?”

I raised an eyebrow. “You wanted to play more?”

“Oh, I just thought –” John picked up the tennis ball from the ground and popped it in the air, catching it right back in his palm. “You and I could have a go.” He placed the ball into my hand. “Thought you could teach me a few things.”

“John, my skills cannot be taught,” I teased.

“Mm, can’t they?” He stepped up to me, toe to toe. He might not have been much taller than me, but when he acted cocky, he managed to tower. “Humor me, Julia.”

Damn him. So pretty and intoxicating. And so little time left. Less than twelve hours before he’d be gone. I pointed to the other side of the court with my racket. “Alright. But don’t be upset when I beat you.”

“Trust me, Julia, it will be an absolute honor to lose to you.”

I smiled to myself and crossed to my position on the court. “You ready?”

“Whenever you are, Billie Jean.”

“Watch and learn, I guess,” I said through a giggle. I’d gained a lot of confidence in my serve since the last game. My body remembered the pattern, the reach and the arc.

The ball flew across the court. John was on his toes, fast and precise with his movement. I was impressed. He might have been the Tin Man to start, but his joints had clearly been oiled. However, with a final swing of my racket, I managed to make the point. John ran to catch it but stopped short of the sideline. “Damn. Thought I had you,” he called out.

“You get the idea. You want to serve now?”

John smiled in surprise. “Are you sure?”

“That was just a practice,” I said with a casual shrug. “Besides, you’ll have to keep up with my technique,” I said, springing on my feet and swinging my racket playfully.

John laughed. “Oh, Julia…”

“What?”

John retrieved the ball and sighed. “I’m going to miss you.” Bounced the ball a few times. “That’s all.”

My heart fluttered. “You’re trying to distract me.”

A childish grin spread on his face. “Is it working?”

I set myself up at the back of the court and watched John ready his serve. A few bounces of the ball, tossing his hair out of his eyes, rolling his shoulders back. Throw and…

I wasn’t prepared for the strength of his serve. The ball flashed like lightning across the court. I didn’t even see it before it hit just before the baseline and out of bounds. “Bloody hell!” I screeched.

“Sorry!”

I looked at John. He still wore a hapless sort of expression. “What was that?”

“Luck, I guess?”

I collected the ball and tossed it back. “Alright. Fifteen-love, huh?”

“Is that my first point of the day? Goodness…” John mused as he readied his serve again.

This time, his serve was powerful, but I was quick this time and hit it right back onto his side of the net. John leapt up to meet it, smacking it back toward me. It whipped past my ear and out of my reach. I looked at him with wide eyes.

“Coincidence?” John said with a shrug.

I wasn’t so sure. “Thirty-love.” I threw the ball back his way.

Sure enough, his serve was quick and exacting. I was prepared though, and we were able to volley back and forth. Each time I hit the ball felt more and more out of my reach. I was having to take longer strides and leaps to get to it. And eventually, John made the kill shot, sending the ball off the court.

I stopped to catch my breath, placing my hands on my knees. “What…the hell…”

“Maybe I just needed to warm-up.”

I glanced over at him, breath still heaving. The fucker didn’t even seem plussed. He was smiling ear to ear. Almost like a maniac. “Are you hustling me?” I called out.

John frowned. “No, how would I be doing that?”

“Because you barely managed a point all afternoon and now it’s forty-love.”

John grabbed a new ball and readied himself for another serve. “I assure you, Julia, I haven’t been doing anything of the sort.” He bounced the ball waiting for me to be ready. Then, he lifted his head, sneaking a smirk on his face. “Besides…if I was hustling you, we would have had to have made a bet, wouldn’t we?”

I didn’t have time to argue the semantics of hustling before he thwapped the ball back over the net toward me. I had to think fast on my feet, just as I’d been doing all day. However, whereas I’d been at the top of my game all day, John had been storing his up for later. The sneak.

To the surprise of no one but my past self, John won with one stroke, leaving me with nothing but an aching elbow and sweaty brow. The ball whipped past me, bouncing off the court and into the grass. I turned to look at it, looking almost like an egg that had dropped from a nest.

“A fluke.”

My whole body went rigid at his voice.

“Shall we try again? Just to see?”

Growing up with two brothers, it was impossible for me not to be competitive. Wedged between the two of them in the birth order, I was always pushing myself to keep up. I knew I could wipe the floor with them.

And this would be no different. “Your luck is running out, Jones.” I grabbed the ball from the lawn and prepared to serve.

“Do your worst, Julia.”

My worst, or should I say best, fell short.

Fell really short.

Because John…well, if I hadn’t been the one losing to him, I would have said he was stunning. For a casual tennis player at least. He was quick, direct, agile. It seemed like every move was planned out before it happened, even though there was no way he could have known.

The final point had me stumbling toward the net like an idiot. I was Tweedle Dee and Dum wrapped into one.

He’d tricked me. And now he was just rubbing it in my face.

“What a surprise, huh?”

I stared at his pristine white shoes, hoping I could set them on fire with my gaze alone. “You…hustler.”

“I can’t be a hustler if –”

“Don’t.” I glared at him.

John still smiled stupidly.

“You’re enjoying this.”

“Of course I am.”

I let out a guttural shriek and dropped my racket to the ground. I’d known enough children in my life to know what made a good tantrum. “You hustled –”

“Ah, ah, ah,” John taunted, wagging his finger.

I huffed. I didn’t even want to look at him. It didn’t matter that the only people who knew my foolishness were John, myself, and God.

“You fooled me.”

John grinned. “That’s the word!”

I gaped at him. So he admitted it. I wasn’t going to put up with this treatment any longer. I turned on my heels and stalked back to the house. Through his childish antics, the entire day had been tainted.

“Oh, oh, oh!” I heard John run after me. The metal of his racket hits my hip bone. He looped his arm around me, grabbed the metal of the racket, and pulled me flush to his pelvis. I gasped, struggling to continue walking. He only pulled me tighter. “Are you really so cross at me you’re going to throw a tantrum?”

I tried to wriggle, but with every step forward, he pulled harder. I turned to look at him over my shoulder and felt his hot breath slide across my face. “Yes.”

“Really? You’re going to ruin our…” He pressed a kiss to my temple. “Wonderful day because…” my jaw.

“John…”

“…of your pride,” he murmured into my neck before pressing his lips to the delicate skin.

I couldn’t deny how he melted me. I couldn’t stay mad at him. Not when his mere touch made me feel like this. “What are you doing?”

“What do you think I’m doing?” John mumbled and tightened the racket even more. I could feel his hardness up against my backside.

I grabbed the racket and tried to push it away. “I’m mad at you.”

He chuckled darkly, sliding his mouth up to my ear. “Are you?”

I didn’t have time to respond before he nibbled on my ear lobe. I let out a moan despite myself. “Fuck…”

“I knew you couldn’t be mad for too long.”

With him leaving tomorrow, there was no way I could be mad for too long. After all, I wanted him to come back to me. To adore me all the same. “I hate you.”

John sighed, pleased. “I know.”

I raked my hand through his hair and pulled him into a deep kiss. The moment our lips collided I knew I was done for.

John dropped the racket, one hand grabbing for my chest and the other sliding under my skirt, knocking up against my wet panties.

“John, not here,” I said breathlessly between kisses.

John bit down on my lower lip, pulling away. “Why not?” His hand on my chest caressed my breast eagerly, thumbing at my nipple until it stood erect through the fabric. “We’ve done it outside before.”

I looked in horror at the house. Thinking about all the life inside. “But the house –”

John’s hand threaded into my underwear, fingers dipping inside me. My legs went weak. “What about the house?”

“I…” All words left my brain as he pulsed his fingers inside me.

“What are you scared of?”

“They’re…” I tried to swallow. “In the house, there are people –”

John shoved his fingers deep inside me, thumb skimming my clit. I let out a strangled whine. “So what if there are people in the house?” he said through gritted teeth.

The feelings were so intense that I had to drop to my knees, grass breaking my fall. John didn’t let me go for a second. As the house loomed, my pleasure grew. It was so wrong and perverse.

And it felt so good.

John began to push my underwear down, further and further until I could feel his bare cock against my ass. “John, they’ll see!” I said in an urgent whisper.

His fingers curled around my chin, jerking my head back to look at into his eyes. Almost completely black, edged in blue.

Who was this man? What had gotten into him? Only weeks ago he had been whimpering in my arms, terrified of coming too fast. Now he was…an animal.

“Listen to me, Julia,” he said, each word tight with consonants. “I don’t care if anyone sees.”

I gulped.

“Because that house,” he said eyes flicking toward the house momentarily, “is mine. I can do whatever I want. I can do who I want. You understand?”

I nodded, completely hypnotized.

John’s finger traced the outside of my mouth. “The house is mine; the court is mine, the ground under you is mine.” He kissed me softly. “And Julia?”

“What?”

“You are mine.”

I couldn’t respond before John forced me down onto the grass, pushing himself inside of me. I cried out in surprise, the stretch sending a shock of warmth through my body. His hand pressed into my upper back, keeping my chest tight to the ground while my ass stayed in the air.

John made quick work, fast and hard.

And despite all the terror, the fear that someone was looking through a curtain from somewhere inside, I loved it.

I loved every second.

“Did you hear me?” he grunted through his teeth. “You’re mine.”

I moaned, feeling blades of grass fold into my lips.

John continued to mercilessly thrust, doubling over my back. I could hear every one of his breaths, his spit moving in his mouth, whimpers tucked deep in his throat. I dug my fingers into the dirt, clinging for dear life as my body was rocked back and forth with electric pulses from his cock buried inside me.

John’s fingers curled around my hips, so hard it was almost painful.

Nothing was pain, though, when I knew how much he wanted me.

I turned my face into the Earth and let out a huge, plangent cry. My whole body tightened with impending euphoria.

John let out a pathetic grunt. “Oh god, oh my god, I – ahh!”

My orgasm caught me off guard; my cunt clenched around him as warm, angry pleasure sent me spiraling.

As I reveled in pleasure, John pressed himself up against my back and with each final thrust, he grunted, “You’re mine, you’re mine, you’re –” John cut himself off. Even he couldn’t stay composed when it came to his desire. “O-oh.”

And then he came, deep inside me, his seed feeling hotter and more desperate than usual.

I could feel his heart pounding into my back like a drum.

John’s head drooped beside mine; he kissed the crest of my ear tenderly, as if he hadn’t just fucked me without repentance out in the open.

His words echoed in my head. You’re mine. It seemed so simple, just two words. But I had no idea what that meant to him. Which part of me was he claiming? My body? My heart? He could have all of it, but I didn’t want to give it away and look rash.

John rolled off of me with a sated sigh. “Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.”

“Don’t apologize,” I said, following suit and flopping onto my back. I looked down at my dress. White splotched with green. “Oh god, Pat’s dress.”

“I’ll buy her a new one,” John sighed. He reached out and pulled on my skirt. “Besides, this looks too good on you to get rid of.”

I gave him a small, bashful smile. “It’s probably nearly time to get the girls from school.”

“Oh, them. Forgot about them.”

“Shut up,” I snipped.

He laughed through closed lips.

“I’ll need to shower before I go to get them.”

“No, no. I’ll get them.” John pushed himself up to sitting with a heavy sigh, collapsing over his chest.

I giggled. “You sure you’ll make it?”

“Yes, I’ll be fine. Not to worry.” He got to his feet and dusted off the few blades of grass from his white shirt and tiny shorts. “Are you coming?”

My whole body felt like a part of the earth. I couldn’t leave it now. “In a minute. I’ll be up in a minute.”

John put his hands on his hips. “You’re not still cross with me, are you?” he asked, eyeing me.

I waved my feet back and forth. “Oh, of course I am.”

“Guess I’ll have to make up for it later then, hm?” he asked, waggling his eyebrows.

I sighed, considering his expression. That sneaking little smile. Deep dimples. It broke my heart knowing tonight was our last night for a while.

John blew me a kiss. “I’m off.”

I kissed the air, too tired to even motion backward.

John sauntered up to the house.

“Change before you go,” I called out after him.

No response. I was bathed only in the delicate sounds of nature.

I could lay there. Forever, maybe. Let the worms devour me until I became a part of the earth. Then I wouldn’t have the question if I was John’s. I’d be a part of the ground that would belong to him.

Then, he could never get rid of me.

Unfortunately, I didn’t have that kind of time. I had to get myself in proper shape for the girls when they got home. I scurried upstairs to the apartment, narrowly avoiding a collision with Annie, stripped off my clothes, and jumped in the shower, washing off the tramp and stepping back into the role of Madonna.

I could be both for him. While he was away, I could take care of his children, keep his home. And then when he returned, I could tend to him. All his needs.

He’d be a fool to let me go, wouldn’t he?

When John returned with the girls, we corralled them into the kitchen where Annie had set the table with lemonade and tea cakes. They stuffed their faces while they excitedly talked about their day at school.

The Bonhams joined us shortly after to the thrill of the girls. Pat doting, Bonzo teasing. John and I of course retreated into our respectable distance. After all, a confirmed romance is one thing, but involving his children would be another. However, I couldn’t ignore the prolonged glances through dinner, the tiny smiles exchanged over dessert, and the graze of his hand on my neck as he passed behind my seat.

You’re mine, you’re mine, you’re mine.

Bloody hell, that meant something, didn’t it?

Evening turned into night. Pat and I took care of bedtime while the Johns retreated into the studio, already chomping at the bit to get back to the music. While I was dreading John’s trip, their excitable chatting over what was to come let me know it was right.

Pat and I stayed up for several hours gabbing away, catching up on every little thing since Montreux. I was pleased to be able to call her a friend.

However, when midnight came and went and there was no sign of our respective male companions, Pat had had enough. “What are they getting up to down there anyway?”

“Any number of things.”

She got to her feet and went to the door to the stairwell. She listened for a moment and then huffed. “I don’t even think they’re playing anymore! What on earth do they have to talk about?”

I giggled.

“I want him to get to bed. otherwise he’ll be grumpy in the morning and we’ll have to wake him up with smelling salts.”

“I’ll do it, I’ve got a lot of experience interrupting John in the studio.”

“Mm. Well, I’ll go with you in case my husband gives you grief.”

I tiptoed down the stairs, with Pat at my heels. We could hear the muffled conversation of men through the gap in the studio door.

The closer we got the more words we could make out.

Pat shot ahead of me and cocked her ear toward the door.

“Are you listening?” I whispered.

She put her finger over her mouth to silence me and pulled me close to her. “We can have a little fun too, can’t we?” she said, lips so close to my ear she might be kissing me.

I wasn’t above eavesdropping. In fact, it seemed like a fun little game for two adult women having something resembling a slumber party.

Oh, but how wrong I was.

“You’ll keep quiet about it, won’t you?”

“Who would I even tell?” Bonzo could be heard asking.

“I don’t know,” came John’s voice. Quieter. Nervous even. “Robert, maybe.”

“Don’t be thick, Jones. We don’t talk about your extracurriculars,” he replied with a deep chuckle.

“Ah, right.”

“Besides, what would be the harm in anyone knowing you fancy Julia anyway?”

Pat and I exchanged a look. My heart started to pump in my chest. He was talking about me.

Making sure I was a secret.

“Because…I don’t know if I even fancy Julia.”

Pat grabbed my arm.

Luckily, Bonzo was there to defend my honor. “You’re mental. The way you two were acting out there today.”

John didn’t reply. Pat and I leaned closer to the door in case we missed him whispering.

“She’s a pretty thing, she’s good with your girls, what more is there to it?” Bonzo continued.

“Alright, well, it’s not that I don’t fancy her, I guess. What I mean is…”

There was a long silence. I would have liked to jump into it and never be heard from again.

“It’s all been moving so quickly. And –” John cleared his throat. “You know, I still think about her all the time.”

That “her” was not me.

That “her” was Mo.

“‘Course you do, mate.”

“My mind just gets so…scrambled up.” Another pause. “And I need to get that all straightened out before I move forward with anything.”

Pat took that moment to pull open the door. I darted out of view, wringing my hands in the skirt of my nightgown. “Well, you two might as well just marry each other how long you’ve left us cold in bed, huh?”

I hurried up the stairs and left the chastising to her. I could hear my blood rushing in my ears as I leapt into bed and tucked myself under the covers.

Of course he wasn’t ready. How could I have been so foolish? Men never, ever say what they mean. They say what they think and don’t bother to evaluate whether they should say it. They feel entitled to every stupid thought that pops into their head.

You’re mine, you’re mine, you’re mine.

By the time John crept into bed and slid his arms around me, I was not in the mood to indulge his impulses.

“You’re tired?”

“Mhm.”

He kissed me softly at the base of my skull with the lips that had just had the audacity to denounce me behind closed doors. “Goodnight, angel.”

For the first time since finding out he was leaving, I couldn’t wait for him to get out of my bed.

tag list: @jimmys-zeppelin, @kari-12-10, @grxtsch, @edal-weis, @ritacaroline, @kyunisixx, @salixfragilis, @rebel-without-a-zeppelin, @jimmypages, @dollyvandal, @cassiana-on-dark-side , @thepinklovewitch, @faisonsunreve, @sastrugie, @seventieswhore, @t4ngerinedr3am, @mayspringcome, @barrettavenue, @foreverandadaydarling, @glimmerofsanity, @montereypopgroupie, @lzep, @jimmysdragonsuit13, @n0quart3r, @larsgoingtomars, @paginate54, @leveeisbreaking (let me know if you’d like to be added 💋)

[askundeadbluelesbians]

Wide Right

CW: Mentions of death and grief, based off of real experiences

… Polly had decided she no longer liked funerals. She only vaguely remembered attending one in life: that of her grandfather, Vanya Geist, roughly around 2006. Of course, all of her other grandparents had passed on, but Polly’s grandfather’s funeral stuck in her mind for multiple reasons: mainly because he was the only one to pass not only when she herself was still alive, but was also old enough to remember it.

The second, and more prevalent reason, was because that was when her father’s drinking problem took a turn for the worst. Polly took to drinking herself not long after that, while still following her rule of thumb. In a way, she and her father bonded over drinking. Sure, she remembered fuck-all about her first drink, but he was there the entire time for it.

And now she won’t be able to share a drink with him ever again. His… well, second funeral was only a fortnight ago. He and her mother had moved on while Polly was on her road trip to California. Being so far away from family… hardly even knowing that her parents were close to moving on… learning second-hand of it happening.

Not only would she never be able to share a drink with him ever again, she’d never be able to play chess with her mom again, never engage in girl talk with her mother again… Never see them, happy together, ever again.

She could only imagine how it felt for Spencer, who was there in their final moments of moving on. How was he feeling? How long did he have to sit with this knowledge before deciding to call her? How did he feel when it turned out that they willed the house to him, so he didn’t have to worry about looking for an apartment? … How did he feel about now having no one to share this home with?

She spent almost the entirety of Sitting Shiva with him, so he didn’t have to deal with this grief alone anymore. Neither of them shared a word with each other in that time; they just knew how the other was feeling without needing to say it. Finally, after a whole week of mourning, Polly felt that she was ready to leave, making sure her brother was okay to be left alone in the house again.

So here she was, on her walk home, the December snow having coated the world in white while she was in black. The mourning period may officially be over… but she still felt empty. The sound of laughter as kids played in the snow did nothing to lift her spirits.

… Oh wait. That was no child. That was Scott.

“WHOO! Throw it again! Farther!”

“Alright, alright, Babe…!”

Polly recognized those two voices from anywhere: her best friend, Scott, was playing fetch with his boyfriend, Brian. They were enjoying themselves… and it made Polly wish she could feel the same way. She didn’t even need to say anything before both of them noticed her.

“Oh! Hi, Polly!” Scott greeted, scooping her up in a hug, wagging his tail. “I haven’t seen you all week, not since the end of the road trip!”

“Yeah… I’ve just been sitting at home…” Polly answered, not feeling the energy to hug her bestie back.

“H-Hey, Scott,” Brian called out. “Isn’t it time to meet with your subjects?”

“Ooh! Yes! I forgot! Thanks, bro!” Scott answered, kissing Brian before dashing off, leaving him and Polly alone.

“Is it really time for Scott to meet with his fanbase?” Polly asked.

“No. I just wanted us to have a talk,” Brian answered, sitting on a bench, with her sitting next to him. “Scott… doesn’t take talking about death well.”

“Funny, since he’s dating a zombie,” Polly halfheartedly chuckled. “I’m guessing that’s why neither of you attended the service?”

“Yeah. But, honestly, if Scott was there, he probably would’ve cried the entire time, because, well, you’re his best friend.”

“Yeah… dude doesn’t deserve to cry,” Polly agreed, wiping any tears that she felt coming. “Besides, he saw my mom as a mom too… Probably would’ve asked to Sit Shiva with me… and then run off when he’s told that includes no football for a week.” Brian gave a light chuckle in response.

“So… do you know when they’ve moved on?” Brian asked.

“Spencer said almost a week before we made it to Veranotone.”

“So… you were told second-hand.”

“Yeah…”

“… So was I.”

… Hold the phone. This is the first Polly was hearing of this: Brian actually ended up going through what she did?

“Who?”

“My grandfather. My mom’s dad,” Brian answered. “I was about… sixteen, I think, when it happened. It was a December day, like this one, back in 1989, right before Christmas vacation. I already knew beforehand that my granddad was sick. He was getting up there and the eighties were not kind for him. But one of the things you can credit him for? My love of football.”

“Oh?” Polly asked, looking up at Brian.

“It was one of the first things he fell in love with when he and Grandma immigrated here in the fifties. And he passed that love to my father, and to me,” Brian continued to narrate. “He’d take me to every game he could up until 1987. And that’s roughly about when I started to actually play football. In fact, I have an old jersey in my closet. Does not fit me anymore.”

“Your granddad got it for ya?”

“Yeah. He did. Number 56… ‘56 also happened to be the year my grandparents immigrated. So it was considered his own personal lucky number. And I picked that number when I started playing. We had actually finished my first season as a player when… it happened.

“My grandma, dad’s mom, was going to be the one to pick me up from school that day. Again, I knew my granddad was sick. So imagine my surprise when I saw my own mom pick me up instead. I… I thought granddad was feeling better.” Tears were starting to appear on his face as he continued. “He… he wasn’t.”

“Oh… Brian, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault… Just, it’s hard not being there to say goodbye yourself,” Brian concluded, to which Polly nodded in agreement. “Christmas was only a few days after the funeral, and it was probably the worst one of my either of my lives. The next year, 1990, would probably be the hardest of my life. I let my grades slip, almost to the point where it cost me my spot on the team. Days, weeks, months began to blur. Then September came… and Sundays started making sense again.”

“Hmm?”

“I very much latched onto my granddad’s favorite team. It was my way of grieving. They were good, but never really went far as they did this season. They made it to the playoffs, thirteen-and-three record, and every game they won after that felt like he was there with me.” A smile slowly began to appear on Brian’s face. “I woulda gone to Tampa myself to watch the game in person, but no way was some seventeen-year-old getting from Jersey to Florida, let alone get a ticket for the biggest game of the year!” Brian chuckled at his story, and Polly began chuckling as well. “So, like every other day that season, I was parked in front of the TV. But that day, I wasn’t alone.”

“Wow… that’s… umm…” Polly began, trying to put the words together, confusion forming on her face.

“I know it’s long-winded, but there’s a point to this story,” Brian chuckled. “Grief… it’s different for everyone. I could only imagine how my parents handled my own death just five years later… But, I swear until the day I die a second time, I felt him every time I watched football, every time I played. And I swear he moved that ball Wide Right.” Brian wiped his tears on his sleeve. “Grief doesn’t leave you. It morphs into the love you have for them, into the things you did together, into the things you continue to do without them there.”

Polly’s gaze went downward, staring at her gloved hands. What Brian said did make sense. He must’ve felt so vulnerable bringing this up with her. He… he trusted her. He trusted her enough to show her that he knew what she was going through.

“Fuck, Bri.”

“Is… is that your way of—?”

“Thank you.”

“… Well that answers that question,” Brian laughed, patting her on the back. “I’ll leave ya to your walk, then. Just think about what I said, ‘kay?”

“Will do,” Polly answered, giggling as she got back up and continued walking. She still felt down, sure, but not as down as she was earlier… Maybe she’ll go play chess and drink wine with Vera later. She thinks—no, she knows—it’s what her parents would’ve wanted.