#I just wanted to the give the reasons why mine is different!

[gh0stsp1d3r]

🍷heyyy, so I’ve read some of your stuff and usually I’m just a silent reader, but I NEED an angsty (4) oneshot of Rafe Cameron!!! Thank youuu

“I don’t feel safe with you anymore.”

part of my 8k celebration!! come join (:

WARNINGS: angst, toxic relationship, break up, mentions of drugs and mentions of verbal abuse, manipulation, he gets a lil angry… I was imagining this is season 2 rafe.

At the beginning, Rafe was the best boyfriend you could have asked for.

Always getting gifts for you, always giving you compliments, always being sweet to you, and he never shouted, never got mad. It was odd to you, because he had a reputation for it. But, he told you that people were just jealous, that they were lying.

It was months ago when the manipulation had started. Him always talking bad about your friends- about your family.

“They wanna separate us, baby. Don’t you see that?”

He had isolated you, insisting on you breaking ties with your family and your friends, telling you sweet lies to keep you coming back to him.

Then, he began to try and lie to you you. Multiple times for different things.

“Rafe- don’t lie to me-“ you spoke, jumping slightly when he slammed his hand down onto the desk.

“I’m not- are you serious? I’m not lying. That’s… that’s not mine.” He told you, motioning to the little plastic baggie in your hands, and then running a hand through his curtained bangs. “You’re fucking crazy.”

He became increasingly angry, the shouting and constant arguing slowly becoming too much for you. He eventually began breaking and throwing things during arguments, his anger getting the best of him.

You stood there, watching him throw yet another fit over something that had happened. After another argument.

You weren’t even talking when he did it. You flinched as soon as the dinner plate that sat in front of him crashed onto the floor, your eyes widening as you backed up into the wall, avoiding the shards that laid on the ground.

He continued his yelling, knocking other glass objects off counters, along with a vase that landed not too far from your feet, causing you to almost step on it if you weren’t careful.

Your eyes were blown wide with not anger, but rather fear. You were terrified of him in that moment.

When tears began to well up in your eyes, he just looked around the carnage he had let out, running a hand through his hair and letting out a breath.

Then came the jealousy, the fights he started for no real reason. It made your fear grow.

“You had no fucking reason.” You told him as you stormed away from the beach, grabbing your keys from your back pocket as you began walking.

“You should have seen the way he was looking at you!”

“He’s my friend!” You argued, turning on your heel to yell in his face.

“I told you, you don’t need anyone else. Why do you not understand that- that I just want what’s best for you?” He asked lowly, pointing at his chest.

You scoffed, shaking your head to yourself as you turned around again, unlocking your car and opening the door faster than he can be at your passenger seat.

“I don’t fucking understand!” He shouted, “Hey!” He continued when you got in your car, ignoring him as he yelled curses at you.

Finally, your breaking point was when you caught him doing cocaine over a glass table with Topper and Kelce next to him at another dumbass house party.

You had scoffed as soon as you set your gaze on the sight, watching him throw his head back with a euphoric smile on his face. There was still remnants of the powder on his nose when his gaze then fell on you- smile faltering.

“Hey, baby.” He spoke, rubbing his nose and nodding at you nonchalantly, Topper and Kelce glancing at each other.

You turned around, ignoring him calling your name as you pushed through the crowd and opened the door up, taking a deep, heavy sigh when you stepped outside, before you choked out a quiet sob, continuing the walk to your car as you attempted to wipe the tears that ran down your cheeks.

He followed behind, stumbling past everyone, ignoring Topper and Kelce when they attempted to drag him back inside.

“Nah, nah,” he shoved them off his shoulder, sniffling as he walked up to you, calling your name.

“Y/n. Y/n.” He spoke, going in front of you, blocking your car door.

“Go away, Rafe.” You murmured, him frowning at you. He reached out a hand, going to wipe your tears away before you flinched, grabbing his wrist and stopping him.

“Baby, we can talk ‘bout this-“

“No. I saw what I happened. There’s nothing to talk about.”

“You’re upset-“

“Great observation.” You snapped, huffing when you reached for the car door and he just grabbed your wrist in a tight hold.

“Let go of me.” You spoke, tone serious now.

“No.”

“Rafe-“ you wiggled your hand, letting out a cry when you felt his grip tighten, and you’re sure that in his drug-addled mind, he has no clue just how tight he’s grabbing you.

You let out yet another cry, and he just stares at you. “Let got of me.” You repeated through sobs, him scoffing and pulling away, holding his hands up in defense.

“Jesus- I didn’t even grab you that hard-“

“That’s not the problem!”

“Then what is?” He exasperated.

“You! You’re the problem, Rafe. I’m so…” you let out a shaky breath, “I’m so tired. I’m done. I’m just done.” You exclaimed, a weight off your shoulders with the confession. “I can’t do this anymore.” You motioned to the both of you.

“What? What the fuck are you even talking about?” He scoffed, and let out a laugh. “So- I’m the problem? How am I the problem?”

“Rafe. I don’t… I don’t feel safe with you anymore.” You breathed out.

Silence fell between the both of you, him processing your words.

He stared at you, crossing his arms over his chest.

“So… is this it?” He asked you, voice hushed. You saw the hurt on his face- but you reminded yourself of everything he’s put you through, everything that’s happened over the years.

“It is, Rafe.” You nodded, tears filling your eyes once again.

He stepped away from your car, and you opened til the door, both of you glancing at each other one last time, before you got into the drivers seat, speeding off as fast as possible, with loud sobs escaping you.

He watched as you drove away, letting out another sniffle, and having his own tears filling his eyes, before he wiped them away.

“Fuck.” He murmured, looking down at his feet, and sitting on the sidewalk, putting his face in his hands as he breathed out.

[sunnytoonsproductions]

@kxllboii @cheezekennith @aquamarine-dream-queen @daydayc224 @oscarandgrinchfan @moshywoosh @ilovescaredysquirrel2 @nuggetaubrey @sharkyy599 @nightkit92 @familyoffood @animatronicdoozer @thelazzyblogzz @sugar-miss1 @shrimpathizer @shypeachrunaway @iggyguyy @sayuri-does-skits @peaceforpeople @ben5569 @oxxjustfrankieandmikuloverxxo @ducktopia90264 @artismeyou-12 @blackstar044 @dieguin-san-theartist2009-deact @nia1sworld @rumplestiltsbear @s4gefr0g @leafith @bluebird-in-a-cagedrawing @blo0st4r @fancytigercupcake @classywinnerpeace @dackychansworldofhoshino @itzbluecl0udd @moonlightrosebud2000 @avaford2009 @ghostytoasty726 @devillemon085 @untitled14360 @audhdprincess @kornyart @pennyroyald @foreverevanescent @cherrycolaaa1 and all my other mutuals and members of my big tumblr family,

Here's now an update on the insecurity ah had last night about my drawing skills!!!...

So... Last night, ah made a post where I was a bit insecure about the random male characters ah draw just out of randomness to make more proportions, and then they end up looking more like women.... I want some of 'em to look feminine, but not for 'em to look fully like women, but just for some to be a bit feminine and to still have male anatomy and stuff like that....

But! Ah figured out the reason why this happend to me yesterday... it's because I always draw some female anatomy and proportions out of randomness, so that's probably why I last night sometimes mixed both genders into a character. But ah even now decided that I'll draw some stuff like how I did before in 2023, like how ah drew lips before like this:

And this is a RECYCLED drawing proportion that I'll use on female, male, but even non-binary or genderless characters that ah draw, either the characters in ma company, or just the characters I draw out of randomness. And I'll actually try not to give every male character bottom eyelashes, but I do that just to make some of the male characters look a bit juicier. And ah decided that I'll maybe give them some sort of visible eyeliners, but I'll even on some characters give some small bottom eyelashes, but it actually depends on if the character is feminine or half feminine or masculine. And also, the first way that I used to draw lips is the way I used to draw 'em from november 2022 to april or may of 2024.

And I kinda started to lose this insecurity that ah had earlier, but again, this is maybe just because of some stuff that I had a addiction to draw, like the eyelashes on every character, visible lips on every character... Etc. But ah decided to not give it on every character, no matter if it's a male, female, or a genderless character.

But I'll just pray to Allah SWT tonight that this insecurity of mine will go away tommorow or in a couple of days. Also, y'all... I'll never stop drawing or bein' creative of my drawings, characters, shows, my company... Drawing will still be in my heart, and always will be. But just like every artist, there's some details and stuff of how we draw that give us insecurities or unsureness about our drawings, but it's all normal. ❤️

And also, I won't stop giving male characters feminine hairs or stop giving female characters masculine hairs, or even to stop making some male characters be feminine or to stop making some female characters be masculine, or for both genders to have mixed personalities. It will always be in my drawing heart and skills and will always give each different personalities and stuff for the characters, both in my company (who are canon from other companies) or my character counterparts. But I'll even continue and keep making female characters be feminine, male characters be masculine, and be the ones that ah listed above. ❤️

And I'll even try to not overthink or to think negatively about this feeling of mine that I had about the male characters that ah draw tho.. -/////-;

Also, ah even drawn some drawings now, even the request for @alo380, so I'll post 'em now =^/////^=

[xoxoaugust]

I Dont Know If I'll See You Again

In which: Sae Itoshi knew what he wanted from the beginning. He wanted to be a professional soccer player, and to play alongside those who weren't a waste of time (well according to him). Unbeknownst to Sae, a little birdie told him that you, a childhood friend of his, would be in Spain for the next three years. He didn't think he'd ever see you again, especially not after your, not so peaceful falling-out. But who knows what might happen when he comes face to face with you again? (2.0k wc)

an: This is 4 years after the start of the first selection, so Sae is around 22 years old. In this timeline, Sae and Rin have made up (because I said so) and he has returned to Spain to continue playing. I put this with the U-20 team because the only other person I know of that was on the Spainish team is Luna, sooooooo idk idk. Reader is fem, and is a university student in film studies. Enjoyyyy!(might make multiple parts)

His POV

January 1st, 2022

The New Year, god he hated the New Year. What is so special about a new year? It's just another 365 days to spend, what is so different that you must celebrate so loudly. Sae was just a little bit grumpy that all he could hear was loud music, drunkenly cheers, and laughter all night long.

Sae was meticulous about his night routine, he would work out, shower, brush his teeth, wash his face, set his hair, put on his sleep mask and then pass out. Unfortunately for his teammates, he couldn't sleep properly that night, so now everyone must suffer. Luckily, practices were called off for the week, for new years, and weather reasons.

'no practice' is not a thing to Sae, even if they were called off, he would still be at that field. So there he was 6:00 AM on January 1st, practicing alone. He didn't mind being alone, he was more than used to it. But sometimes, even just for a split second, he forgets that there was a time where he wasn't truly lonely. That split second eats at his mind like that plague, he hated how vulnerable it made him feel, so he would act like it never happen.

January 5th, 2022

When he wasn't at the field practicing or at home watching clips, he would be found at the little family cafe down a couple blocks from his penthouse. He would go there after an early morning jog, and order the same thing. An unsweetened iced matcha with a yogurt fruit bowl, he liked it because it didn't fill him up too much before a practice.

That morning at practice in locker rooms, he overheard something...interesting. He couldn't give a crap about anything Aiku had to say, but this was the only time he was truly listening.

"A close friend of mine is coming back for some time, she hasn't told me how long she's going to stay, but she's studying here."

Out of curiosity, Sendou asks,

"What's her name? Is she hot?"

"Why is that the first thing you think of? She's pretty but thats so weird to say. Her name is [y/n]."

"Well my bad! Its not like i'm going to try, I'm going to date a hot actress."

The groans let out in that room echoed from wall to wall, but Sae on the other hand broke character. Sae is know for his neutral, cold demeanor, but hearing your name clashed against the chink in his armor, and was enough for the walls to come crashing down.

November 27th, 2017

His POV

God, what a drag. Why was Rin so damn persistent on that dream, it wasn't even realistic.

Sae had just won the goal against Rin, and sealed the deal of scrapping that old dream. He had to say, he didn't enjoy saying this to his brother, but if no one was going to be honest with him, who was?

He knew his brother would be at that field, but he didn't know that you would be there.

He turned to look at you, standing there with a shocked expression and teary eyes. He couldn't stand it, why were you looking at him like that? Like he was evil, or something.

You walked closer to the brothers. Sae thought you would walk to him and say something. Maybe a 'Welcome back!' or something that matched your usually cheerful personality. But no, you walked right over to Rin, and helped him up off the ground.

Rin saw you like an older sister, you basically were. You always made sure he took care of himself, even before Sae left. He had immense respect for you, he considered you his best friend.

Rin stared down at you with a heartbreaking expression, tears flowed down his face as he avoided making eye contact with you for too long, he thought it might spare some of his dignity.

Your POV

At first you were shocked, how could Sae do this? Easy answer, this wasn't your Sae.

Your Sae would rather die than ever hurt his little brother, he would never intentionally hurt him. Your Sae would give his younger brother the last popsicle, he would bandage his wounds, he would play with him, protect him from anything or anyone that even tried to harm his precious brother. They were like peas in a pod.

You would know, you and Sae had practically raised Rin. You would pack him and Sae food to eat after playing because they would always forget, and they would always get hangry. They would stop by your house right next door and take you to their games, to get popsicles. You saw how kind Sae truly was, Rin brought out the best in him.

But now, he's changed.

Now you felt anger, unadulterated rage.

You didn't hesitate. Not even a little bit.

You shot a glare at him before marching up to him.

You slapped the everliving shit out of him.

You left a red mark on his face, the hands he used to hold had now hurt him.

The two of you never dated, but you acted like a couple. Just two kids holding hands on the park benches eating snacks, stolen glances and warm cheeks.

Sae was your first love, and you were his first love.

No, scratch that. You taught him love.

He stood there, like a kicked puppy holding his cheek. No expression, just a frown tattooed on his pretty face, the same on he walked in with.

You never yelled at him, until today.

"Sae Itoshi, I don't know what happened to you in Spain, and honestly I don't care right now, but you cannot treat Rin this way!

I don't know who you think you are, maybe that 'Japan's Treasure' title finally got to you, but the audacity is appalling!

You come back after FOUR WHOLE YEARS, you didn't contact Rin or I for three years out of the four.

and the first FUCKING thing you say is say is this lame, no PATHETIC EXCUSE OF A HELLO?

no, you don't get to treat either of us this way, some treasure you are."

That got his attention.

"What did you want me to do? Let him live on with some childish dream? He won't get anywhere dreaming like a toddler. I was busy building my career, not that you would know anything about that."

If you weren't angry before, you were SCATHING now.

You took a breath in, and out.

You wanted to scream, but you knew it would be a lost cause.

"When did you get so cruel?"

...

Thats where the memory ended before Aiku's loud voice snapped him out of his daze. His mind clouded by the vision of her teary eyes.

It couldn't be you right? There could always be another person with the same name, there's no way you could ever be friends with Oliver Aiku.

*incoming call from [name]*

Oliver picked up his phone and answered your call.

"Hey what's up?"

"I'm at the airport right now, can you drop me to my apartment building?"

"I am nothing but a servant to you huh?"

"So dramatic, i'll just take an uber you lazy ass"

Oliver laughs before saying

"No i'm done with practice i'm on my way"

Now he was sure, it was you. He would never forget that voice. The voice that he would wait to hear every night over the phone when he first went to Spain. The voice that brought him comfort when he was homesick. And the same voice that flooded him with guilt for the last 5 years.

a week later ----------------------------------------------------------------

He jogs to his little cafe down the street, same time as usual. He walks in, slightly sweaty.

As he approached the counter, he froze.

"Can I have one sweetened iced matcha and one avocado toast? Thanks!" You smiled as you swiped the card and clicked the 20% tip option before turning around to find a nice table.

When you turned around, you made eye contact with Sae.

It was as if time stood still, or rather time spun backwards.  

You hated this, you hated how you turned into that lovesick little girl in his presence, even after five whole years.  

You broke eye contact. You weren’t going to let him ruin your breakfast or ruin your stay in Spain. You walked past him to the nice table next to the window.  

He walked up to the register and order his usual. He tends to forget that he grew to love matcha because of you, yet another reminder of you.  

He grabs his food and sits at the table right next to you.  

“You just can’t leave me alone, can you?” You said sharply. 

“You’re sitting at the table I usually sit at; this was the next best seat.” 

“Still an ass I see” you laughed bitterly. 

You sipped on your matcha as you typed away on your laptop, being an exchange student was no joke. You felt Sae’s eyes on your screen.  

“What are you studying here?” Sae asked. 

You sighed, loudly.  

“I’m here for my bachelor’s degree, in film studies.” 

“You still want to be an actor? Wow, you haven’t changed.” 

You turned to him and glared. 

“No, I'm studying to be a director.”  

He turned his head to look at you.

"You always talked about how much you wanted to be an actress, what changed?"

You scoffed, how dense can one man be?

"Well people change, you're walking proof."

He sighed, he and Rin had made up years ago, why were you still upset?

"You know Rin and I made up right?"

You stopped typing.

"I know." You said softly.

In all honesty, you didn't know why you were still angry, it was probably bitterness because he didn't reach out in those five years to say anything, but then again you didn't expect him to anyways.

In your mind you felt bad, you shouldn't hold a grudge, especially not for this long, but you'd never admit that out loud.

"How have you been? It's been a while." You said, in effort to reciprocate the conversation.

"Not too bad, what about you?"

"I'd be good if my professor wouldn't assign more than he can grade, but aside from that i'm good."

You smiled awkwardly before turning back to your laptop to type. Sae felt relief, he's never felt this tense about anything.

"How is Rin? Did you see him before coming here?" he asked.

You felt a smile creep up to your lips, you knew he loved his brother.

"I did, he's doing great, he's playing in pro leagues now, watch out though, he might kick your ass."

He almost laughed, you're still the funny and loving girl you've always been. You sat in comfortable silence for the remaining time, but as you got up to leave and say goodbye, he stops you. He writes something down on a notecard that slipped out of your bag.

"Is this your number?"

"Yes, I got a new one back when I got a new phone. Call me if you need anything."

You smiled.

"I will, i'll see you around." You waved at him before walking out of the cafe.

You had only just left, but Sae hopes that you'll call soon.

As he jogs back to his penthouse, he feels his phone vibrate.

Today 7:13 AM

Is this Sae? It's {name}

Yes this is Sae.

jeez you text like an old man

Using grammar is being like an old man?

yes

Now I see how you and Aiku are friends.

thats so mean :(

whatever

Oliver told me to come to one of your practices so you might see me there

Okay, see you then.

He felt his chest bubble when he heard you call Aiku by his first name. But, at least he knew when he'd see you again.

xoxo, august

(pt 2 upon request)

[ncillary]

Self Aware AU (Caleb)

Summary: You have the lowest Affinity with Caleb. The reason is because you hated him. Once. You hated yourself more as you, MC, were the cause his wings clipped, grounded. He should soar freely in the sky among clouds. You want him to forget about MC. Forget all the pain and the intense spiralling he went through much worse than the black hole he made. You will create his safe haven this time.

-------&&&&&-------&&&&&-------&&&&&-------

Masterlist Self Aware AU

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|  1 [current]  |  2  |  3  |  4  |  5  |

-------&&&&&-------&&&&&-------&&&&&-------

"Didn't you get excited to be able to meet him again? Why don't you let him be your companion anymore after the Main Story? And what's with this Affinity? Even I was higher than this. You have all his cards, right?"

Your cousin poked you with your phone. You avenge yourself with a pull on her cheeks. She relented and so do you.

"I just want to see how he's doing. Fans sharing is enough to satiate my curiosity. I don't need him to be THAT attached to MC anymore. No more MC. No more clipped wings. Thus, the low Affinity. I hope he'll get to be in his safe haven from now on."

She huffed, "What kind of logic is that?"

"Oh ... fishie lover want to comment on it? Didn't you said that you don't want to be the destroyer-"

Your mouth was cupped. You smirked under it.

"Zip it. I shouldn't have told you about it."

You poked her side, effectively tickling her and at the same time released her hand from your mouth.

"But you did. Thanks though. I was a bit lost at the time because of him. What came over me though?"

You pondered. She patted your back sympathetically.

"Welcome to the dark side."

You both laughed at that. Your mind flashed some memories of your journey to the dark side a few months ago.

+-----------------------+---------------------------+

A few months ago

*Click*

Even breathe. Blending with the quietness. The horizon was. always in your vision. You smell the slightly watery evening breeze. Chapped lips adorned a small upturn of the calm surroundings.

*Bling*

You heard the phone. Stepping inside from the balcony, you approached the only table in the room. Putting your camera on it.

[You don't have to give me a bonus but thanks anyway ;) Also thanks for taking me in even for a short time. Holler me up if you ever need a part timer again.]

You laughed at your cousin's message.

[Anything for Miss Romantic. Hope you can finally be together with that water master.]

[He has a lovely name, you know. Why don't you play too. You can be my coach when there's a battle. You're quite good at it, right?]

[Me? Otome game? That's a whole lot of different genres from my usual gaming preference.]

[But you do play Once in a Hallow's Eve. No battle and you said it's interesting, right?]

[That's basically an animated novel. The story was quite interesting too. Most otome games are cringe and scary to a whole different level.]

[This one has a pretty good story. I'll send you a video of the Main Story then you can decide if you wanna play.]

Amused smile.

[What's with the hard recommendation?]

[HELP ME IN BATTLE. My friend also needs your help. She was just too stubborn to use his bunny boy in battle.]

[Alright. Alright. I'm already confused with the nicknames. I'll be sure to test Zacian and Wigglytuff after I got them.]

[ (• _ •) Did you just Pokemonized them?]

[Now. Now. Don't look at me like that. I only know them from your shared photos and stories. Bunny boy is the one holding a light sword, right? So the other one must be your fishie. You always said he likes to pout but it's cute. So...]

[ ( /// ~ /// ) Fine. I did say that. When you've played, give him a better one because... Why did bunny boy get a legendary one??? Not fair... Mine was God of the Sea, mind youuuu...]

The messages went back and forth with you laughing all the way until dinner. You promise to install the game to help your cousin out. And to tease her more.

"Right. Good thing I'm in a hotel. Free wifi. That's a lot of gigabytes to download and a punch to the storage lost."

A few minutes later.

Closed eyes. Pinched at the bridge of the nose. A pair of thin lines.

The music was nice. You kinda agree with that. Enjoyed it even. The view?

You shivered a bit NOT from the cool breeze of the air conditioner. Goose bumps rising from you. Cringe.

"How long does it take to install this?"

You opened one eye to see the progress and saw fingers gliding, clacking keyboard, red flowers and so on.

"Guhhh... otome game... Good thing I have separate phone for gaming. No way I'll let this invade my personal phone."

+-----------------------------+-----------------------+

*ELIMINATED*

"Hmm... Zacian is pretty good. Could polish my movement a bit. I'll be better in the upcoming battle. Now let's continue with the Main Story."

You flicked your wrist to loosen it. Getting a bit serious and focused in the game. The otome game.

+-----------------------------+-------------------------+

"GAHH ! There's a phone call? Caleb? Who?"

You answered. Brother. The conversation. The banter. Grandma took them in. You nodded.

"Didn't know she had sibling. Orphaned because of Chronorift Catastrophe? Glad Grandma's there to adopt them together."

Not minding it much, you went to the next scene.

+-----------------------------+-------------------------+

"Ice and heal. What a combination. Aurorus is probably a good combination for head-on fighters. Can't wait to see how Wigglytuff fares in a battle."

You chuckled as you continued the story. You admitted it piqued your interest to know what's going to happen next.

+-----------------------------------+------------------+

"Wigglytuff is a fire user? But didn't she tell me he's... Did he live in underwater volcano or what?"

You laughed at your own commentary. It was yet another interesting combination and he's quite a skilled dagger user too.

+-----------------------------+------------------------+

"Wow. Didn't think I would be so immersive in this."

Story progress was capped by Hunter Level. Well play. It's a good thing too. You exited the game and prepared to sleep. Don't want to miss tomorrow's flight home.

+----------------------------+-------------------------+

"You look awful."

"Is that anyway to greet your cousin?"

She chuckled, "That's my love language to kick you out and have a good rest at home."

You grumbled, "Let me just take the order list. Then I'll be going upstairs."

She sighed, "Maybe your idea of converting the third floor as your home isn't such a good idea."

"This building is my home whatever it may be. I'm glad I was able to persuade Gramps to leave his legacy to me rather than selling it off."

"He'll be proud."

You both turned to a picture on the wall fondly. An elderly woman was sitting while an elderly man was standing behind her chair, hugging her lovingly.

"She was comfortable back at the village. She even had the energy to scold me when I visited her every week." Your cousin pouted.

You laughed, "She don't want you to worry about her being by herself. The people there are great. I'll be visiting her soon too. Just need to reschedule..." You reached for the paper on the table.

It was snatched out of your hand. Shocked, you turned to the snatcher.

"Rest. Now. I think Granie got worried because YOU'RE the one that starts to visit her so often. Go. Upstairs. Shoo."

You matched her pout and got pinched on the arm. Defeated, you stepped away only to stop and turned to her much to her confusion.

"There's a level cap for the Main Story to progress. How many times before I could go through all the chapters?"

Her eyes slowly widen then she was jumping gleefully towards you. You prepared for the worst.

"You played it already !!! Want to Friend me? Oh wait let me share something real quick." She quickly tapped away in her phone.

*Bling*

The phone in your hand alerted you.

[ Beginner's Guide ]

"It help me a lot even when I've played quite a while. It reminded me of the basic things that I sometimes forego even though it's quite important. Check it out while you rest up."

You chuckled, "Prepared as always. Thanks for helping your junior, senior."

She grinned.

You retreated to your humble abode. Adrenaline was still there because your mind was ready to work. Gaming was what usually took the load off and this new one took your attention from yesterday.

You snickered to yourself, "What a turn of event... I'm winding off by reading a guide to play otome game."

You tapped the shared link and read it through, humming in understatement once in a while. You get the gist of it as you nodded yourself to sleep, finally letting your tired body loose after a long journey.

+------------------------------+-----------------------+

"Hello boys."

You glanced at your phone for a second as you clacked away on your laptop. It is less awkward now to see the loading screen when you have logged in every day for the past week.

"Just doing my Daily then I'll be out. Gotta settle this ordering list."

+------------------------------+-------------------+

You flicked your wrist, "That's quite a battle. Good thing I keep revisiting past battle in Main Story to practice. Training Room didn't help much for me."

You commented loosely.

*Ting*

*Ting*

You stared at the disappearing notification.

"What did I do for Caleb to suddenly prompted a message?"

You went to the Chat. Another staring ensued. It shouldn't matter much but your instinct was unconsciously feeling a bit suspicious with him.

For what?

You're not sure.

You scoffed, "Don't tell me you're going to turn evil next. That's a twist."

+-----------------------------+------------------------+

White noise.

Blurry vision.

Unbreathing.

Mouth agape. Unmoving.

Orange colour didn't stop lighting the screen. The only change was the stark difference of the warmth it gave. From burning flames to gentle twilight. The change snapped you back to reality.

Your finger somehow moved as your eyes barely registered the changes on the screen.

[I promise you'll see me everyday wh...]

"Liar."

A single tear. Small sobs. Twin lines.

You hate him.

For breaking the promise. For breaking MC's heart.

For making me cry.

How did a game character affect you so much?

+-----------------------------+-----------------------+

Life goes on.

You still played. Just... not the same. You're encouraged to keep playing after seeing your cousin's hardwork just to buy a new phone for the game. To meet her fishie.

Everyday you saw the one thing that's slowly moving away from you.

One name. One conversation.

Always there but so far away.

Unmoving.

Until...

*Bling*

It was the only notification sound that reverbs you to your core. Not because it was a special sound. Not because it was loud.

It was because of who it was from.

"What."

+-----------------------------+-----------------------+

Present

The night was serene. The wind picked up. Eyes fluttering slightly to the sound. Choppy breathing. Slight gap of mouth. The dark embraced your sleeping form kindly.

There was one light faintly illuminating the room. A phone was still on and a sleeping face was near it.

From a closer look, there's streaks of tears on the cheeks. One of the evidences showing the release of your jumbled up feeling a few minutes ago.

Happy. Glad. Betrayed. Hurt. Disappointed. Longing.

Caleb.

The second evidence was the man himself, sitting on the sofa as he scrolled the holographic screen. A few seconds passed then the screen flashed a hint.

He was standing now. Closing the gap as much as possible to the screen.

"For such a tough girl, you sure cry a lot, my lil' beacon."

His hand made it off screen in an attempt to wipe your cheeks.

Unsuccessfully, of course.

Sighing, he settled on looking at the tranquil sleeping face with the streaks still there.

He was smiling fondly but there's guilt glistening in his violet amethyst pair.

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A/N: You can actually tap on the Beginner's Guide. Give it a go if you're curious.

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|  1 [current]  |  2  |  3  |  4  |  5  |

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Masterlist Self Aware AU

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[obsessivestar]

'What If It's All A RomCom?' - a Ted Nivison x Reader

{{-Y'all ready to find out?-}}

// General Warnings: 18+ fic (MINORS dni), Reader implied to be afab!, under 5'5. She/They pronouns used.

// Chapter Warnings: More angst, a lot of yelling n REAL exposition about the wedding

Word Count: 5.4k

☆▪︎▪︎▪︎Taglist!▪︎▪︎▪︎☆

@k-k0129 , @callsign-scully , @limecorpse & @schlattandcompany

☆Love You To Death!☆

Chapter 20: I Remember That.

I wake up that morning feeling...uneasy. I feel nauseous, like I've only woken up because my body is signaling to me that I'm gonna be sick. I can feel a loose arm draped around my side behind me, I must've woke up before our alarm. I didn't sleep well. I kept tossing and turning, I kept waking up. Ted would whisper sweet nothings to me, he'd hold me close, kiss my cheek and my ear. He doesn't know he's the reason I couldn't relax. I...didn't even want to be in here last night. Not after what I heard. Not after what I know.

He lied to me last night. Lied to my face. Right to my fucking face. It was so casual, too. It was easy for him. A little white lie for him, maybe...but to me?...Man. Fuck. How long has he been able to do that?

Without moving too much, I reach out for my phone to check the date. It's Friday. Joe said he needed to tell me by Monday, but honestly, I...I don't know if I can wait. I don't think I can even trust that Ted will tell me the full truth. I know it now. I know that look in his eyes when he's lying. It's burned into my memory. He lied to me when we were high, too. I can see that now. Got me high just to lie to me. How did I not see it the first time? I could feel it. I could fucking feel that something was different, I...

I feel Ted shift a bit behind me, pressing his body more against mine, burying his face into my back. His breathing is still steady and quiet. He's still asleep. I...I don't think I should confront him first, not when I can't figure out exactly what he lied about. Did he lie about his girlfriend leaving him? Did he lie about how or why he left? Did he say something to someone? Do something? What is he so ashamed of that he had to lie about it? And why wouldn't Joe just tell me the first time? What is this big secret? What kinda shit could one guy pull at a fucking wedding? What makes not one, but two people want to hide it from me?

As I hear Ted's alarm begin to go off, I silently decide that I'll be going to Joe first. I don't think I can trust Ted to give me the entire truth. He's been too keen on hiding it from me, even if he wants to be with me. At least this way, if he does try to tell me on Monday, I can call out any inconsistencies. No, I can call out any more lies.

I set my phone down to pretend that I was also waking up, stretching my limbs out as Ted reaches back to hit snooze on his phone with a grunt. We both have quite an early morning, so there isn't a lot of time to speak or cuddle, outside of a quick 'Good morning' from Ted.

I leave the room to head into my own, letting out a small sigh of relief. That's not a good feeling, feeling relieved to be away from Ted. It used to be the other way around. I used to feel nauseous if I wasn't with him, I used to feel colder, used to imagine myself in his arms, imagine his lips on mine. Now, I can't think about any of that without frowning. None of it feels genuine anymore. I shake my head and let out a deep breath. I can't be getting all up in my feelings right now. I still have a job to do. I have to try and finish this. Not for Ted or Joe, but for Tanner. He has no idea what's going on, I don't want to let him down. Production has been nothing but smooth. I'm not about to ruin that because of some...bullshit. I don't think I could forgive myself if I let him down.

I push all of my uneasy thoughts and feelings down as I get dressed, making sure to wear something easy to move in. The weekend will be spent officially rehearsing the ballroom dance sequence. We've done some basic practicing, got the wardrobe and such, but now the camera's will be involved to figure out which angles work the best with the right lighting. This is the one scene that Tanner's REALLY fixed on looking perfect. We've got the entire weekend to figure out what works before we get into costume and everything. I'll...have to be hand in hand with Ted for it all, but that's fine. I'm doing this for Tanner. I'm doing this for Tanner.

I step out after getting dressed, moving past Ted's room to head downstairs for breakfast. This is the first morning in a while where Ted and I haven't come downstairs together. I get a few looks from the team, but I don't entertain them. I don't really care what the fuckin' team thinks. Nosey fucks.

I meet up with Tanner and Joe in the kitchen, getting one of the bagels to toast as they greet me. Tanner asks where Ted is. I just shrug and make a passing comment about how he'd slept in. Tanner buys it, but I can see that Joe is giving me a look. He'll be connecting the dots quickly, I already know it. I heard you, Joe. I heard both of you.

The morning goes by in a blur. My brain feels like it's on autopilot for most of the day, honestly. We get into position with some members of the wardrobe team who would be acting as background extras and go through the choreography step by step. If Ted makes a comment, I force a laugh but I'm mostly stoic for practice. We're supposed to be focusing, so I can kinda use that as an excuse to be more silent. The choreography isn't that complicated anyways, it's just a lot of spinning and stepping on beat. Ted has more trouble grasping it than I do, so oftentimes I'm just guiding him while he figures it out. A couple days ago, I probably would've thought this was cute. Now, I just wanna get it over with.

Thankfully we get to have a lunch break later in the afternoon. Some members of the crew end up going out to nab something to eat. I expected Ted to try and ask me to go out to dinner with him, but Dan had stepped in first, asking him to go out with him and Tanner to some new sub place. Convenient. Ted asks if I want to join, but since Joe isn't going, I politely decline, claiming I didn't like sandwiches or something. Ted reluctantly buys it, giving me a warm smile and a kiss on my forehead before he sets off.

"Be back soon, princess.."

I hate it, but...that makes me smile. For a brief moment, that warm, funny feeling spreads along my chest and I smile as he heads out the front door, giving me one final wave before shutting it. I can still see his affectionate little smile, those cozy hazel eyes....

And then the feeling fades about as fast as it overcame me. I can't let my feelings cloud my judgement. Not this time. He lied to you. He lied to me. Now, I just gotta find out exactly what he was hiding.

I head over to the living room where Joe is scrolling on his phone, brushing some of his hair out of his face with his other hand. He seems to be in the same funk that I'm in. I stand in front of the couch, anxiously picking at my nails a bit. I'm unsure of how to even...start this. I'm about to face the biggest mystery of my relationship with Ted...without Ted. I don't feel good, that uneasiness returns, but I have to push past it. I need to know what happened.

"Joe?" I clear my throat before speaking, keeping my fidgeting hands in front of me. He looks up from his phone, giving me big, curious eyes.

"Mm? Wassup?" He pipes up, pursing his lips out slightly. I'm nervous, but I know I can trust Joe to tell me the truth. He may have lied to me first, but I just know he won't make that mistake again.

"Can I...talk to you upstairs?" I point one of my thumbs back to the stairs, trying not to appear too nervous. "It's important.."

I see Joe's expression shift. Now he looks worried, but in an almost fraternal way. He's not worried about what I want, he's worried about how I'm feeling. He's a good friend.

"Yeah! Yeah, absolutely." He gives me a reassuring smile, standing up off of the couch to walk with me upstairs. We quietly step into his room and I close his door, taking in another deep breath. I feel like I can't breathe right, and christ, I'm still nauseous...

"...I, uh.." I speak up ever so slightly just to make sure I'm not going to throw up before I can ask this, placing one of my hands over my stomach. Joe looks even more worried now, his eyebrows furrowing at me.

"Yeah?" Joe speaks up in a concerned tone, placing his own hand over his own stomach as well. "Did I do something?"

"No! No--" I take a step forward with my hands out in front of me, trying to reassure him. I don't want him to think he did anything wrong. Yeah, he lied first, but he's not the one I'm mad at. "It's not--I'm not upset with you, I promise.."

"Okay.." Joe let's out a small sigh of relief, resting both of his hands in his lap. "So...what's wrong? Are you feeling okay?"

When he asks me that, the anxiety in my stomach only grows. My hands suddenly feel cold, and they're shaking. I go from feeling nauseous to feeling like I hadn't eaten anything in days. I open my mouth to answer, but only a shaky stammer escapes me. It's like I'm being frozen from the inside, but I can't freeze up now. I need to face this. I need to fucking face this.

"I heard you last night."

Joe gets it immediately. His concerned expression fades into an almost...disappointed look. He's not disappointed with me, no....with himself. His eyes fall from mine, looking down at his lap for a moment before a quick sigh leaves him.

"Shit.." He curses quietly to himself, firmly sliding one of his hands up his arm to rub his bicep, turning his head away as he rubs over his shoulder to let out another heavier sigh. He's uncomfortable with confrontation. Honestly, so am I sometimes, but I want answers. "How much did you hear?"

"Pretty much all of it." I admit, making my voice a little lower to hide how shaky I've become. I'm ignoring any panicky signs my body is trying to send to my brain. It feels like my soul is about to jump out of me, but I ignore it. "That you wanted him to tell me what happened, that you gave him until Monday..."

"Fuck, (Y/N)...I'm sorry.." Joe frowns at me, leaning his head down to place it into his hands. I hear him let out a quiet groan as he runs his fingers through his hair, tugging at the back a little. "I...didn't want you to hear that.."

"You said I should.." I added with a small shrug, crossing my arms in front of my chest. "You said I should hear you two.."

"Okay, but I didn't mean it! I didn't--" Joe raises his head to look at me, letting out a nervous scoff. "I didn't want you to find out that way. I was just...mad at him. I was pissed."

"I know, Joe.." I speak softly to try and calm him down, moving over to sit next to him at the edge of his bed. "I didn't bring you up here to get mad at you.."

I let Joe take his time to collect himself a bit, watching as he ruffled his mullet up with a stressful huff before turning to look at me. "...Then why are we up here?.." He asked, placing his hands back in his lap.

"Because I...I want to know what happened..." I admit with a long pause, glancing at the ground a bit before meeting Joe's nervous gaze with my own. "And...I don't think I can trust Ted to tell me the truth..."

It hurts to admit it aloud. The second I say it, I feel my eyes get a little teary, but no. I'm not going to let myself cry. Not about this. I'm just scared. I'm panicking, because I truly have no idea what he wanted to hide from me. I let out a shaky sigh and turn my head up to the ceiling, blinking my eyes to dry them.

"(Y/N), I...I don't know if I should..." Joe speaks up, fidgeting with his hands in his lap. "It's not my story to tell. I wanted Ted to be the one to explain himself..."

"Okay, well it's not a story Ted wants to tell, Joseph..." I admit with a slight scoff, giving him a small shrug. "I don't think he's gonna tell me."

"I gave him until Monday to tell you." Joe replies, straightening his back a bit. "I know you're upset, but..."

"He's had many opportunities to tell me, Joseph."

"I know, I just--"

"and frankly, I don't trust him to tell me the full truth anymore..."

"I think he will, (Y/N). He--"

"He literally lied to my face last night, Joseph." I huff, smacking the back of my hand down in my lap. "I asked if he was okay, I basically gave him a chance to come clean, and he lied to me. I had to lay in his fuckin' bed next to his fuckin' body, KNOWING he's been lying to me.."

Joe falls silent and gives me a worried frown, glancing away briefly to shake his head with a heavy huff. He knows I'm not leaving until I find out the truth. Neither one of us are leaving.

"I'm just--I'm fucking paranoid, Joe." I continue, my shaky demeanor beginning to reveal itself in my voice. "I don't know what he did, I don't know why he's hiding what he did and it's freaking me out. Did he fuckin' punch someone out? Did he call you a slur or something?"

"Nothing like that.." Joe spoke up with another shake of his head. "He's not like that."

"Okay, but how the fuck am I supposed to know? I don't have anything to go off of, Joseph! I did--I don't--I've got fuckin'--I've got no idea! Nothing! No context, no idea, nothing! I just--I don't even know if I fucking care what it is anymore, I just want to know! I'm so--I'm sick of--"

"Okay! Okay--" Joe places both of his hands down on mine to calm my shaking, taking a deep breath to encourage me to relax. He takes a slow inhale through his nose while keeping his gaze on me, giving me a slow nod of his head as he exhales through his mouth. It feels a little patronizing, but I take a slow, deep breath anyways, following his lead until I stop feeling so shaky.

"I'll tell you..." Joe gives me a slow nod, speaking in a softer, lower tone. "But you have to promise me you're gonna wait until Monday before you say anything, alright?.."

"I--ugh.." I let out a soft scoff, running my fingers along my scalp stressfully. "Yeah, fine.."

"I'm serious." Joe insists, making his tone a little more firm. "I know you're frustrated with him, you'll probably be even more frustrated after I tell you, but I think you should give him a chance to come clean; give him this one last chance. At least then I won't look like a fuckin' dick for telling you after I've warned him.."

That last sentence gets a slight chuckle out of me and I shake my head, turning away to think about it. I can...probably do that. If it's not as bad as him hitting someone or saying a slur or something, I can wait until Monday. Maybe I'll feel a little better just...knowing what they wanted to hide. Maybe it's something stupid.

"...Alright." I turn to look at Joe again, giving him a little nod. "I promise, but if he doesn't tell me by Monday, I'm not holding back."

"That's fine, I could barely hold back myself." Joe admitted with a little shrug, turning his body a bit more to face me. "Now...I know he told you a little bit about the wedding, but what exactly did he tell you?"

I think back to what I already know. It's a little hard to remember details at first. I mean, he did get me high before telling me.

...No, I don't know if it's fair to keep saying that, actually. I didn't exactly fight him on it. I could've easily given a firm no and Ted would've backed off. We're both adults, I chose to take the blunt. It was...fun. That's on me.

"He...told me he came to the wedding with his girlfriend, and he made a comment about what their wedding might look like in the future.." I begin to explain, narrowing my eyes a little, like I had to focus on every detail. "...and that caused and argument and she left him..."

"That's why she left?.." Joe's eyes widen a little. He sounds...surprised. "Oh."

"What do you mean 'oh'?" I furrow my brows at Joe, giving him a confused look.

"I didn't know that." Joe admitted in a 'matter of fact' tone. "That's not what he told me."

"What do you mean you didn't know that?"

"That's not what he told me!"

"He didn't say they had broken up?"

"No!"

"What the fuck did you think when she left??"

"He said she had an emergency, then he said after, like, a week later that they had broken up!"

"Ah great, so he's just fuckin' lying to everyone.."

"Okay well it wasn't really my business, (Y/N). He was probably embarrassed."

"He really didn't tell you that?"

"No! He honestly didn't! I'm just learning this now, from you!"

That's...surprising. Why would he tell me that, but not Joe? Not anyone else? Is he just a habitual liar? Is that who I've been sleeping with the last 2 weeks? Christ. I really know how to pick them.

"Okay, so..." Joe pauses after a moment, an awkward chuckle escaping him. "What did he say happened after?"

"He said...he drank a lot of wine, watched the ceremony, saw me up on the stage as your maid of honor and left." I explain, giving a small shrug. "And that was it."

"He said he stayed for the ceremony?" Joe asked, interjecting rather quickly. "That's what he said?"

"After drinking a lot of wine, yes." I nod my head, keeping my eyes on Joe. I see an immediate shift in his expression. He looks disappointed again and maybe a little annoyed.

"That's not what happened." Joe says it plainly, shaking his head before adjusting himself a bit on the bed, finaly taking his hands off of mine to scratch his head. "Not what fuckin' happened at all.."

"Okay, so what did happen?" I ask again, clasping my hands together. Here it goes. No turning back now.

"Ted...is an entirely different man when he's too drunk.." Joe began to explain, gesturing his hands out to really emphasize that point. "It's actually fucking weird how he gets when he's drunk. It's gotten to a point where he avoids drinking heavily unless he's at a house party now, he's talked to me about it before.."

It's hard to imagine Ted with a drinking problem, but I'm starting to get an idea of why he'd want to hide this...

"So...He did drink a lot of wine, but...he didn't stay in for the ceremony. I kicked him out before then." Joe admits, clasping his own hands together.

"Why?" I ask again, narrowing my eyes at Joe. I'm getting sick of asking this. "Why did you need to kick him out?"

"He...God, honestly, now that you've told me about his ex..." Joe raises his gaze to the ceiling with a small smile, as if he's figured out the world's greatest secrets. "It makes sense. It fuckin' makes sense. Okay! Um...so he got REALLY drunk, and...he started to hit on every single woman that was at the wedding. Every single one of them."

Joe looks at me as he explains what went down, curling his lips inward a bit as we make eye contact. "And he was sayin' some...wild shit. He was making a lot of people uncomfortable. I almost didn't believe it was him when I was told by Tanner that he was acting that way."

"What wild shit? What was he saying?" A slight scoff leaves me, half of me honestly doesn't believe it. It just sounds ridiculous.

"I don't even know, I don't even know that part." Joe admits with a nervous chuckle. "He was just being...kinda inappropriate. I mean, he knew almost all of the girls there except you, but we were getting hella complaints. I didn't want to kick him out, I was just gonna ask him to tone it down, but then..."

Joe pauses as he looks at me, giving me this apologetic smile. Why is he looking at me like that? And...why is this starting to sound...familiar?

"...He tried to approach you." Joe gestures to me, raising his brows at me. "With two glasses of wine in his hand...while you were up on the stage, and he spills it everywhere, and I mean fucking everywhere, all on the front row. I don't even know how that much wine could get on that many chairs, but some got on my husband's mom. It was bad..."

Holy fuck.

Holy fuck, I REMEMBER that.

"That was HIM?" I stand up off the bed in complete and utter shock. Jesus fucking christ, I can't even remember what he looked like at that event, but I remember that moment clear as day. Some stupid drunk fuck got wine all over the front row, but that was HIM?

"Yeah! Yeah, that was Ted.." Joe gives me a nod, ruffling up his mullet slightly. "You remember the guy I had to walk out? That was him."

I REMEMBER THAT. That happened basically right in front of me! I remember watching them leave, but it's like...everything about Ted being there was a blur. That was Ted? THAT was TED? How?

"That...that doesn't make any fucking sense." I admit with a nervous chuckle, sitting back down next to Joe. "I remember that."

"Yeah." Joe nods again, giving me a knowing frown.

"No, I remember that, Joseph.."

"I know."

"I don't remember that being HIM."

"It was him. A younger, clean shaven him."

"Why the fuck don't I remember it being him?"

"Because I wouldn't let him anywhere near you." Joe admitted with a shake of his head. "Like I said, I didn't want to kick him out. He sobers up quickly, usually, and he was already going through a lot, not just the girlfriend shit, but...he was being weird about you, I don't know. Kept saying you were the one and shit.."

I feel my cheeks warm up a little at that, but it still sounds a little ridiculous. I scoff, letting out a slight laugh. "What do you mean? He was flirting with every girl there, wasn't he? What made me different?"

"No fuckin' clue, but he was a lot more aggressive about you. Kept saying 'No, she's the one. She's gonna be the one. Look at her, she's the one. Watch. Watch' and then he tried to force his way past me, so I had to kick him out. It was too much."

I remembered Joe and most his husband's family rushing the poor guy out, but I didn't know he had been trying to get to me. Is...that why he remembered me? Is that why he's been so...fixated on me? Am I the one that got away? The one girl he couldn't hit up? Was I just a lot prize he finally got his hands on?...

"And...that's pretty much it." Joe admitted with a single clap, resting his hands in his lap. "He got too drunk, hit on everyone, and then when he tried to get to you I had to kick him out. He reached out the next day and apologized and we all just kinda moved on.."

"Except you lied to me about it." I bring up, giving him an annoyed look. "So, doesn't seem like you moved on.."

"When did I lie?" Joe asked, furrowing his brows. "I genuinely don't remember lying. I told you to ask him."

"When Ted and I got back with Dunkin' Donuts on the first day, you said he never asked about me at the wedding." I explained, pointing at Joe. "You even said he left after the ceremony. He wasn't even there for the ceremony."

"....Alright, you're right. I'm sorry.." Joe nods, closing his eyes for a moment. "But c'mon, I was over it. So was Tanner. I didn't expect you two were ever gonna cross paths again."

"We were gonna be working together on the same fucking set, Joseph." I smack the back of my hand on my palm. "You knew that beforehand."

"Okay, but not as romantic co-stars! He was supposed to stay behind the camera, I didn't expect you two to ever interact! You didn't even recognize him!"

"It was 2 years ago! Of course I wouldn't recognize him, what was there to recognize? He's not even in your wedding photos!"

Joe knows I've made a good point and he looks annoyed by it. I didn't intend to get mad at him when we came up here, but he's starting to make excuses and it's pissing me off. He looks up at the ceiling and turns his head away with a huff.

"You were all worried about Ted makin' moves on me, but you wouldn't even tell me why." I continue, keeping my hands together. "It's like you banked on me not remembering him, and I can't figure out why."

"I thought he was going to tell you a lot sooner.." Joe admits, lightly smacking one of his hands down on his lap. "I didn't expect you two to sleep together before he told you."

"Why didn't you just tell me?" I ask, sounding more annoyed. "You knew! You could've let me know! Why count on him? He's been lying to me since the beginning, Joseph."

"Not since the beginning."

"What?"

"Not since the beginning."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because he didn't know he did all that until last week."

"You didn't fuckin' tell him he flirted with all of those women when he apologized?"

"I did! I'm not--(Y/N)--" Joe rubs his forehead with a frustrated groan, shaking his head. "You don't understand.."

That makes me a little mad. I stand up off of the bed again, crossing my arms. "What don't I understand?" I ask, sort of glaring down at Joe. "What am I not understanding?"

"(Y/N), he....he likes you." Joe admits in a softer tone, raising his head to look at me again. "He really likes you."

"Yeah, he likes me enough to sleep with me, but not enough to actually tell me the truth..." I mutter somewhat, rolling my eyes. "What's that got to do with this?"

"He told you he remembered you, right?" Joe asks, shrugging his arms out at me. "Right?"

"Yeah. I'm sure he remembered trying to rush me and every other girl there like we're some extinct animal."

"Okay, he doesn't fucking remember it like that." Joe clarifies, waving his hand slightly in a disapproving gesture. "He genuinely doesn't remember any of that."

"What the fuck do you MEAN?"

"He only remembers YOU!"

Joe stands up off the bed as he points to me, holding both of his hands out to me to really emphasize his point. Ted only remembers me...

"You said he apologized." I bring up, furrowing my brows at Joe.

"Yeah, he did, for getting drunk. I thought he knew what he did, but he fuckin' didn't, I guess. I just learned this last week. So did he." Joe admits smacking his hands together again. "The only things he can remember from the wedding is, apparently, getting broken up with and then seeing you. I fuckin' swear to you, he hasn't been lying to you from the beginning."

"Okay, so why are you suddenly defending him? Did you want it to turn out this way?" I nearly cut Joe off to ask, taking a step towards him. "You've sat on this vital piece of information since the beginning of production. You were all up in a fuss about him making moves on me, you've known for a full WEEK that he's been hiding this from me, but now it's all okay because he likes me?"

"I've been trying to convince him to tell you for that full week, (Y/N)! I haven't just been sitting on my ass watching you two!" Joe cuts in, his own hands getting a bit shaky. We haven't fought like this in a long time. "You KNOW I would NEVER want to hide shit from you, (Y/N)! I love you! You're like my fucking sibling, but he REALLY wanted to make this shit work with you and I wanted to give him the chance! I'm not apologizing for that!"

I didn't mean for this exchange to become so...heated. Joe's right. I can't pin this on him. Should he had told me the first time I asked? Maybe, but...I can understand why he didn't. He didn't want to but in, and he trusted Ted to be the one to tell me. He's known Ted longer than I have and he seems just as disappointed in him as I am, maybe even more. At the end of the day, Ted was the one who kept lying to me, kept hiding it from me. That's who I need to face. Not Joseph. Not my brother.

"...You're right..." I speak up with a shameful frown, my voice cracking ever so slightly. "I'm sorry..."

Joe gives me a sad smile, moving in to pull me into a warm, comforting hug. "I know. It's alright..." He speaks quietly, rubbing my back to soothe me. "I'm sorry too. I'm sorry.."

"No, don't apologize, please.." I shake my head in the hug, once again having to hold back tears. God, I hate this feeling. This whole thing...what a stupid fucking thing to keep from me. I'm not even anxious about it anymore. I'm angry. I'm angry that Ted lied to me. I'm angry that what's seemingly a white lie turned into this. Maybe it wasn't for the entire trip, but he's been lying to me for a week now. Ever since we slept together, he's been lying to me. That's not okay.

"Are you okay?.." Joe asks after a small moment of silence, pulling back from the hug to look at my face. I blink a few times to fight back any tears, wiping under my eyes just in case with a small sniffle.

"Yeah." I nod a little, blinking up at the ceiling to dry my tears. Thank God the makeup team didn't work on me today. Christ. "Yeah, I will be.."

Just then, I hear the sound of a large door opening and closing downstairs along with Dan, Tanner and Ted's voices laughing and playfully yelling at each other over some joke that was probably told in the truck. They're back. Guess it's time to get back to work.

"You gonna be okay?" Joe asks again, raising both of his brows at me with a concerned expression. I know what he's really asking. He's still making sure I'm gonna wait until Monday to bring this up. As angry as I am, yeah. I can wait. I can wait until Monday. Ted has 3 days to tell me the truth. I can play the part until then. I'm already an actress.

"Yeah." I nod, looking at Joe with an almost stoic expression. "Yeah. I'm fine."

I....might be lying.

__________________________________

Chapter 1 || Chapter 2 || Chapter 3 || Chapter 4 || Chapter 5 || Chapter 6 (smut) || Chapter 7 || Chapter 8 || Chapter 9 || Chapter 10 (smut) || Chapter 11 || Chapter 12 || Chapter 13 || Chapter 14 (smut) || Chapter 15 || Chapter 16 || Chapter 17 || Chapter 18 (smut) || Chapter 19 || Chapter 20 (here) || Chapter 21 || Chapter 22 || Chapter 23 || Chapter 24 || Chapter 25 (final) ||

[asarigg]

I’m not sure if you’re replying to my post because this sounds a lot like you didn’t read what I wrote. I don’t think you’re aware or really understand the exact context of why I’m explaining that like this. I’d like to understand how is this a counter argument to a supposedly unfair (why…?) and biased (biased because I give my interpretation in an essay) when I’ve already talked about most of the points you talk about.

Was the assault because of Koujaku’s desires and feelings? Yes, obviously, and I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned it in past posts. But what I was trying to point out is that the rape itself is not something he wants to willingly do, and his control just fades away as he loses his mind. And some people just ignore that fact and treat it like he was 100% lucid, you made up the edgelord part. These are people that have legit harassed others over that. I’m not even insulting them, yet you’re implying stuff about my own persona without paying attention to what I wrote. It’s ironic.

I’ve already mentioned that he’s seeing this cycle of him trying to protect someone he loves and betraying them happen again. He’s letting himself be manipulated by Ryuuhou and he’s falling to that pit of a certain type of violence, he knows it and hates it, and he wants to kill himself because he can see that he’s a danger for everyone else. But Koujaku doesn’t really care about killing Ryuuhou. The only reason why he doesn’t the first time is because Aoba stops him. The game makes a point of not judging his actions when he kills him, it’s neither good or bad, because he killed someone, but rightfully killed his abuser. It’s not glorified, but he doesn’t get blamed for it. All that controversy is only in his own mind and perception, if anything. And he says it himself, that what annoyed him wasn’t really killing Ryuuhou, but that he did what Ryuuhou wanted. It’s obvious and clear that Ryuuhou’s playing with them even BEFORE they go to Platinum Jail, remember that he left a tattoo sketch in Mizuki’s shop. This is something I’ve talked about as well.

The translation detail I mention was made comparing translations to see the differences, but in the grand scheme it doesn’t matter that much to the main point I was writing about. To me it’s mostly just that, a detail. NC made use of noncon all the time for kink so I don’t think it’s that unexpected, but it’s true that in the discussions with the people I’m referring to, these details are pretty often thrown around like they change the whole mind control plot that surrounds the entire game, hence why I thought it was important enough to mention. Regardless, I already said this in the original post, the most popular translation is known to have quite a few mistakes, and there are translations that are confusing, probably due to the language not having an equivalent. I compared different translations, and the vibes are always “I wish it was different”, meaning of course he wants and desires Aoba, romantically and sexually, but he doesn’t want it without Aoba wanting it. I never imply differently, what’s more, I talk about this in other parts, talking about the bad ending too.

Him being possessive and all that “you’re mine and mine only” mentality is an interesting idea to explore and I’ve done that myself on my own personal material. It could have been an obvious alternative bad ending aside of the one we got with Sly. But it’s a mentality that pretty obviously happens when he’s losing it and giving in to his deep desires, not in a normal context. Which again, was my point here regarding certain hate posts and disrespectful people.

In no way I think Sly is simply a beast with no good in him (which are words that I didn’t say, it changes the implications). This is an essay about Koujaku and I don’t center much on his character anyway, so I simplify. But it’s not even that far, he’s obviously someone who does as he pleases without caring about other’s comfort or wellbeing in general, that’s a heavy part of his character and of course you can’t expect him to have the highest morals around, even if there’s more to it. You can only know more about him once you’re in Ren’s route, because otherwise he’s presented to you as a purely violent, evil alter ego. I’m comparing Sly and beast Koujaku because of their similarities, not so much their differences.

The essay isn’t meant to be taken as the entire truth either. As an essay these are my personal thoughts and I can interpret one single thing in multiple ways. The most objective part is the character design part, and even there I also give my personal thoughts and interpretations. If anything it’s meant to open friendly discourse and maybe give new ideas and perspectives, just like you mentioned the idea of intrusive thoughts. This part of Glitter in specific is even more personal because it’s something that affected me personally and it’s been happening for years and years, so it became quite en exhausting topic.

About: Part 2

DEVELOPMENT OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP. PATH TO HEALING: part 2

Despite all this tension and mistrust, the next scene is full of gentleness. Aoba is extremely embarrassed and worried that he vomited on Koujaku, staining his kimono. But despite having such an important goal in mind, and the distance he’s causing by not wanting to involve him, taking care of Aoba right now and carrying him back home is more important. Aoba is so worried about having stained his kimono and Koujaku brushes it off, not only that but also uses his sleeve to clean it up. A kimono that signifies his identity, that is reminiscent of his mother, of her nurturing, something so personal.

I feel that after seeing Koujaku leave, Aoba felt especially vulnerable, those feelings of helplessness and neglect, that jealousness, sharpened by his discomfort after the effect of the drugs. So now it’s not only about Koujaku’s care, but also the warmth and affection placed on him that makes him feel better.

The main reason for Aoba's distrust towards Koujaku happens when he discovers the amount of tattoos and scars he had running through his body. The person he shared unique and intimate things with, only for the two of them, was not only leaving him alone but also hiding something from him, and the tattoos only confirmed it. What could be so serious that Koujaku is hiding it from him? Like we said before, it being solely because of the yakuza is kind of unlikely because he’s friendly with Virus and Trip, and you can’t possibly compare them to the friendship he has with Koujaku. So the shock mostly comes from feeling like his trust and friendship aren’t reciprocated, that he isn’t anyone special to him, that Koujaku is pushing him away and doesn’t want him by his side, he feels betrayed, lonely, rejected. He put all his trust in him, his hero, but it looks like Koujaku doesn’t hold him in high enough regard to confide in him. And so his heart breaks.

If one doesn’t trust, the other can’t either. They’re equals, and one can’t be without the other. But now, in a way, Koujaku is leaving him behind, and it could also remind him of how he left when they were children, of his parents, it’s a devastating feeling. That’s why he dreams about his childhood, a return to his most comforting memories, in which there was no distance or mistrust, in which Koujaku never pushed him away, rather, he was always with him, searching for him.

Alright, this is completely unnecessary in my opinion. It’s something so obvious I’m still surprised to see people reading this the wrong way, so that’s why I decided to include it. It’s something so important and shocking that it’s a shame that it’s interpreted in such a wrong way by either extreme censorship (crazy being a dmmd fan) or simple bias, because it’s been something that happens the twelve years the game has been around that people talk about this scene as if this was something that Koujaku ever wanted to happen or had made this decision on his own. What’s funny is that this is the usual coming from people who don’t like him, but surprisingly enough people that do like him sometimes also agree and then you can’t excuse it with rage bait. I really don’t understand how this can keep happening because one of the main plots of the entire game that moves the characters to act is precisely the brainwashing and mental manipulation that Toue wants to force on people. Each character has some personal relationship with this and it’s so blatant that I didn’t think I would continue to see these kinds of conclusions to this day and age.

It’s raining, Aoba returns to Glitter and a little while later Koujaku arrives too, soaked from head to toe and with a grim face. Although Aoba isn’t sure who he is referring to, because he doesn’t know the danger he entails, we know perfectly well that he’s pissed off because he saw him talking to Ryuuhou. During the conversation Aoba notices he was looking at something behind him, all that happens here goes exactly as the tattoo artist wanted, it’s all part of his plan, of his manipulation. Like we said before, rain is representative of the dragon's influence.

Somehow, what Koujaku is feeling now is the same thing Aoba has been feeling when he saw him leave. Anger, jealousy, disappointment and betrayal. He has seen the person he loves talking to his worst nightmare personified, the person he was looking for with the intention of killing him. His emotions are already unstable, but seeing them together upsets him so much that he’s no longer in full use of his faculties, with the tattoo consuming him, only managing to get angrier and angrier until he throws Aoba to the bed. First thing he does is to bite him, because it’s like he’s marking him as his in some way, like territory. His tattoos take over his body, over his feelings, and externalizes them in the worst way.

He’s becoming more and more irrational. Before he had a serious face, but now he’s getting angrier and angrier. This scene isn’t supposed to be hot (unless you’re into noncon lmao), it’s a scene where they’re pushing their relationship to the edge of a cliff, to a point of no return, these are the consequences and they either act now or they’ll be broken forever. There’s no need to have the full rape package because the point has already been made. It would just be for the sake of making the trauma more painful just for the kink and it just doesn’t fit. Considering how fast the entire story develops, the whole “Aoba forgives Koujaku” arc in order to have a good ending, it would probably feel empty and weightless.

I get the feeling that since Koujaku can still talk here, unlike the bad ending, people see it as if he’s actively controlling his body and just letting his anger peek (at most, he’d be only partially controlling it with the influence of the tattoo, or he’d be seeing it in “third person”, kind of like how Aoba can remember a bit of his life when Sly was controlling their body, but it’s not him). It’s pretty obvious that he’s not listening to Aoba, not only he doesn’t stop until he uses his power, he doesn’t answer his questions about what the hell he was talking about either. He’s not being rational, he just keeps repeating the same thing over and over until he can’t talk anymore. (His tattoo doesn’t need to be mature to do tremendous damage to his loved ones, to be honest no wonder he wanted to kill himself after this lol).

In the confession scene he also mentions that he vaguely remembers touching Aoba in this scene, the translations are actually a bit confusing because some suggest that Koujaku basically says that he liked how it felt even though he felt sorry about it being non-consensual, and others have a more reasonable answer where he says something like “I kind of remember what happened and I could only wish it was different”. I honestly lean towards the second one, because the first translation, which I think is the most popular one, already had several mistakes or slightly confusing translations and this one would be no exception, the implications are different. Honestly, just one more reason why I wished he would just say that he remembered literally making out with him in Scrap because this part only helps people to put the blame directly on him as if he had ever wanted that in the first place.

I need people to understand that the berserk form, beast Koujaku, whatever you wanna call it, is the same to Koujaku as Sly is to Aoba. They are forces of destruction that desire death and violence, with some kind of supernatural focus, beast Koujaku based on pure instinct, and Sly in a more sadistic way, consciously doing harm. You can’t expect any morality from them, and especially not from a beast. When Sly is in control, Aoba still remembers things that happen and vice versa. Koujaku remembering parts of what happens isn’t new and it doesn’t mean he was in control, period. I don’t see people blaming Aoba for what Sly does, so why would he be blamed for this? Even Aoba himself straight up tells you it’s not the same person, it’s impossible to know the tattoo exists and still thinking that this is somehow voluntary.

I’ve also seen people say that for some reason Koujaku fans just ignore this scene, as if we wanted to ignore anything slightly problematic or hinting at this being part of Koujaku’s personality in some shape or form, like we can’t stand the “fact” that he has any hint of malice in him and we don’t acknowledge it because we’re in a bubble dream world and it couldn’t be a worse misreading of the entire character. I can’t believe that it came from someone who liked Koujaku because it feels so disrespectful to him, to his story and who he is, basically all we’ve talked about so far. One thing is to have hcs and the other is to treat it as the canon truth and disrespect others because they don’t share those hcs that are pretty much incompatible with the character. Besides, I’m sorry, what else should we be talking about? They talk like this could happen in any other situation, and no. It wouldn’t because Koujaku didn’t choose this. They truly believe that a character who doesn’t have malice for some reason is a character without flaws or imperfections, and if they like this character it must be because there’s something bad in him that makes him a grey character, so they can keep enjoying their edginess. Got the wrong character, Koujaku’s imperfections and “impurities” are far apart from that selfish facet they wanted to give him. His lack of communication and his self destructive careless attitude of carrying everything on his own, the way he behaves giving less importance to himself and his inability to break the cycle by not relying on someone else are what builds him. If anything, being more selfish is what he needs, to be honest. Bad things can happen even if the intentions are good, it's a good natured character with nuances and flaws, to put it simple. And the good thing about Koujaku and Aoba is just how versatile they are, you can almost go with anything in your fiction and you'll probably find details and nuances about their characters that you can include there so it still feels like them, while separating from the strictly canon and exploring your own ideas.

I've mentioned this before on my Twitter account, long time ago. I personally wish they’d left more time to develop the feelings after this part of Glitter because Aoba immediately leaves and gets drugged by Ryuuhou. Same story, everything in the game happens really fast. With that in mind I think it’s fair to not take it too much into account, like many other things, and just imagine what would happen and that’s it. Because it’s true that they talk about it a bit, but then move on to something else right away and there’s no processing of what happened, the scene doesn’t feel as heavy as it should, like “Well, that just happened”. It’s the ultimate act of betrayal for god’s sake.

Ren recognizing Beni’s wings’ flapping like there aren’t a hundred other bird allmates that do the same sound will never not be iconic, truly an old man yaoi moment.

[harbingersecho]

grif's surgery but just a little more... obvious?

I actually rly rly ADORE frankengrif but I don't have an in-show reason why he'd have extensive long-term allogeneic skingrafts on his face 😔

[famousblueraincoatmp3]

What did you think of evil? I remember you talking about it a while ago

i forgot there was a tv show named evil and literally thought you wanted me to review evil

[willbyersabyss]

some people in this fandom are so pretentious and rude

[sapphiresonstrings]

It's true, you caught me, I didn't read it. You see, I have powerful psychic abilities that allow me to know everything I need to know about this paper just by glancing at the title.

You may object that psychic powers aren't real, but actually many studies through the years have demonstrated the existence of ESP. Critics object that "P <= 0.05 isn't a magic number" and "if you repeat the same study over and over again then it's not surprising if one or two of them barely squeak over the 0.05 line by pure chance," but you and I both know better. We know that as long as a paper uses big words and is published in a fancy-looking journal that makes it Science, and reading Science is how we demonstrate virtue.

It's true, I didn't demonstrate any virtue here, but not because I'm not virtuous! You see, I already know everything I need to know, because of my aforementioned psychic powers.

For instance, I can tell you which political party the authors support - I can say this without even knowing their names, or how many of them there are. All of them vote Democrat.

I'm sure you don't believe me, so I'll prove it.

Here are the three authors. The first two are an Asian woman and a black woman, which is basically cheating, so I'll use the white man instead.

Conveniently he has an X link in his bio, right here on the Urban Institute's website. I'm tempted to declare victory now that I've seen the pronouns in his bio and the fact that he's a Senior Fellow for the "Race and Equity Division," but let's check out his tweets anyway.

Oh? He deleted his social media. I wonder why.

It's not on the Wayback Machine, but Google did cache some of his Tweets. We can only see them through the browser preview, though, so that's all we have to go on. Maybe someone more technically skilled could get more, but this is all I have. I hope it's enough to prove the existence of my psychic powers.

This is the most recent tweet I can find, from 3 months ago. It seems like something happened about 3 months ago that convinced him to delete his Twitter account. Hmm, I wonder if anything interesting happened around November-December of last year that might make a totally neutral scientist doing neutral research want to hide his social media?

Let's see if his other posts give us any clues.

I rest my case. I'm sure you agree that with psychic powers as potent as mine, I don't really need to read the paper.

But of course we both know that I don't have psychic powers. The real reason I can tell is because the title of the paper uses the phrase "Racially Minoritized," which a left-wing shibboleth of the highest order. It's a step beyond "Racialized," which was what they were saying last I checked.

And I don't need to read the paper any more than I need to read any of the hundreds of papers "proving" ESP is real (p = 0.0499) to know that those papers are all bogus. In a world where so-called scientists churn out hundreds of p-hacked junk papers that don't really prove anything every day, it would be an act of self-mutilation to try to read them all.

Nevertheless, my fantastical psychic powers are telling me with absolute certainty that this activist organization should not be receiving taxpayer dollars.

Now that we've cleared that up, let's see if there's anything else I should address.

Did you...did you link, in your argument about how it is scandalous that the US government shouldn't be funding "DEI nonsense", a paper that isn't funded by the US government?

First of all, you should only use quotation marks when you're quoting someone. I do not believe I actually used the phrase "DEI nonsense."(My use of quotation marks is acceptable because I'm quoting you.)

Secondly, I don't think it matters where the money for this particular paper came from. Money is fungible. Same pants, different pocket. The Urban Institute is promoting the paper, everyone involved in writing the paper works for the Urban Institute, and the Urban Institute apparently gets 1/3rd of their money from the government (or 1/3rd of their budget is impacted, whatever the fuck that means). If the Urban Institute didn't have the money to pay them and these researchers had to get jobs working as window cleaners or accountants or whatever, they wouldn't be able to spend their time writing all these Guides to Equity:

Ergo, they are receiving government money. It's in the form of awards, salaries, promotion (such as this website, for instance), office space, or whatever else they get from being fellows at this institute. Same pants, different pocket.

Next:

I would oppose the government doing that to begin with, but the fact they spent money doing it wouldn't be a shocker in the slightest.

Just so, I am staking out my opposition to "the government doing that to begin with." Part of getting the government out of the race business is cutting off the flow of funding to the people who spend all their time talking and writing about race (or, as I like to call them, racists).

Just as, presumably, if the US Government were to be taken over by pacifists, they would shut down all the think tanks that the Defense Department pays to spend all their time talking and writing about war.

Raise your hand if you are hearing about the Heritage Foundation right now for the first time.

I agree, the Heritage Foundation also shouldn't receive any taxpayer money. In fact, I'll just use my incredible psychic powers to reshape the course of fate and history...

Pow! Your wish is my command, and retroactively, too! The Heritage Foundation doesn't get any government money. Cool. Now let's do all the other think tanks that are obviously just activists for one party or the other.

I know, I am really on a "mocking Tyler Cowen" kick, I will move on from this soon. I just think the ways he is failing these days is very symptomatic of the zeitgeist faux-intellectualism and the ways thinkers are struggling to slot into an openly anti-intellectual movement.

He starts with "USAID is probably good", but in a very compliment-sandwich way. You taught me what a Straussian read is my dear Cowen, so when your "it is good" section is two lines of link dumps, and the rest of the piece is criticism, I am getting the message. So let us set that part aside and dig into those criticisms:

To be clear, I consider this kind of thing to be scandalous.  And I strongly suspect that some of the other outrage anecdotes are true, though they are hard to confirm, or not

The link is to the think tank The Urban Institute putting out a donation call because 1/3rd of its budget is from the Federal government. Which is scandalous...because...uh, why? It is the Urban Institute. They analyze government policy for hire. Their biggest customer is the government. What the fuck? Their latest research - just chosen randomly, top of the list - is an impact evaluation of a program to help at-risk youths graduate high school. Is that bad now?? Does Tyler Cowen no longer think impact evaluations of policy are good??

Imagine describing consulting firms this way: "Oil Well Advisors has hit significant headwinds now that Exxon Mobile is suspending all outside contractors", is that a scandal? Or just absolutely normal behavior for industries with large institutional clients? What is the alternative here? Does he want - in a post subtly praising the Trump Admin - the government to in-house all impact evaluations? I don't disagree that they should do more but, uh, read the room buddy?

I know I am harping on this point but I really wanna emphasize how much of a bad writing call this is - taking an actually insane position (orgs specializing in government contracts shouldn't exist lmao) and because it is so indefensible you instead just handwave it as obvious so the audience maybe doesn't notice. Very cringe.

Okay, moving on:

It does seem Nina Jankowicz and her work received funding, and that I find hard to justify.  It seems to be evidence for something broken in the process. 

The money went to her work with the Center for Information Resilience, which does investigative reporting on war crimes like in the Ukraine War. Maybe her project sucked, I don't even know, but come on. This is incredibly normal behavior for USAID.

 Or how about funds to the BBC?

You mean the BBC Media Action charity, which trains journalists and helps build out mobile & communication networks in developing countries? Should the US build 100% of its own orgs and never fund effective, international partners from US allies? Is that a coherent foreign policy goal I can just wave my hands about and never explain because it is so obvious?

He then goes into the "reforming USAID" angle:

The Samo piece is excellent.  For one thing he notes: “The agency primarily uses a funding model which pays by hours worked, thus incentivizing long-duration projects.”  And the very smart Samantha Power, appointed by Biden to run AID, “…is in favor of disrupting the contractor ecosystem.”  Samo also discusses all the restrictions that require American contractors to be involved. Here is a study on how to reform AID, I have not yet read it.

Which is totally fine, I agree if I ran USAID I could totally like boost efficiency by 50%. I bet a lot of spending is inefficient. But why are you pretending that the current admin is, in any way, aiming for technocratic reform?

Why bother bringing this thread up? That isn't what they are doing! It isn't relevant.

I love this classic trick:

According to the very smart, non-lunatic Charlie Robertson: "My data suggests US AID flows in 2024 were equivalent to: 93% of Somalia’s government revenues, 61% in Sudan, just over 50% in South Sudan and Yemen" While I do not take cutting off those flows lightly, that seems unsustainable and also wrong to me as a matter of USG policy.  Those do not seem like viable enterprises to me.

You can think whatever you want is wrong, your call. But unsustainable? All of USAID is half a percent of the federal government. Payments to Somalia are a rounding error. This is the definition of sustainable! You could run this forever and never even notice.

But okay, maybe you mean like it is creating a culture of dependency or somesuch, not the same thing but I will humor you. Let's look at the latest USAID impact assessment of their work in Somalia:

Oh whoops, looks like our ability to even evaluate programs has been stripped away by the current admin's mass purging of databases like impact assessment reports! Fortunately I have the Wayback Machine, so I can get around this:

"Culture of dependency" this money went to food and clean water for starving people. You can say whatever you want about priorities and all that shit. That it is "unsustainable". But if someone doesn't do this then some of these people die. I notice "let them die" does not appear in your bloodless discussion of "aid dependency". Maybe we should cut aid because they will be forced to get their state together and be better off in the long run. I understand that logic, I really do, you can make that case.

But fucking say it. Say "let them die" to my face. Man the fuck up.

Alright, last one since this is going on too long:

There are various reports of AID spending billions to help overthrow Assad. I cannot easily assess this matter, either whether the outcomes was good or whether AID mattered, but perhaps (assuming it was effective) such actions should be taken by a different agency or institution?

I love this one because it is a peak "attack of opportunity" moment. At the beginning of this very post he says this:

Here is a Samo analysis...The Samo piece is excellent. 

The linked piece, by the Samo Burja, is this:

The piece, to clarify, explains that USAID is not an aid agency, but fundamentally an extension of US foreign policy and conducts itself to achieve foreign policy goals. That this is its explicit, stated purpose. And Tyler Cowen says it is a great piece.

And then proceeds to say that pursuing those goals in Syria should maybe be at a different agency because that isn't "aid".

Bro you don't give a rat's ass about that! You just wanted to score points, you don't care about this at all. It was just on the list, you didn't even think about it, you just said something that sounded plausible. It is pathetic, you don't have to comment on every headline if you don't have a hot take. Just post a meme instead like a normal person.

But he does have to comment, because this post exists to ingratiate himself to the vibe shift. It as transparent as it is embarrassing - it is so limp-wristed, saying things like "the 'Elonsphere' on Twitter is very much exaggerating the horror anecdotes" when their most viral claims are just naked fabrications. Come on, man. You used to be better than this.

[assmaster-8000]

why don't clothes fit me the way they do on a skinny cis guy (<- isn't a skinny cis guy)

[catboyfurina]

One of the really irritating things about that 'oh QPR is just friendship, clearly you've never had friends, lmao loser' discourse is that (and there are many irritating things this is just one of them) even in QPRs that ARE just friendships with a new fancy label.... like...? There are many kinds of friendship that people just have because it's easier than not. And there are friendships that you think are going to be incredibly lasting, but then they date someone new and suddenly you're no longer a priority. The QPR label lets people attach an intentionality and priority to their friendship that really is not guaranteed..... like also not every QPR is this way etc etc but even when it is Just Friendship T M its still like entirely reasonable to want to use that label to signify that it isn't casual

[muiromem]

I guess for me personally, I prefer to keep Tom and Nick Locarno separate (both because Locarno was a much nastier and less kind character and also because Tom's canon directly contradicts Locarno's so they can't actually be the same people). That's partially why I don't take much stock in Locarno's timeline.

As for the mentioned alter ego Boddy Davis being 26 in season 4, that would make Tom only at most 23 in season 1. To me, that seems way too young for the bitter, more-life-experience vibes he gives off compared to Harry. From the dialogue in "Threshold", that would also mean he felt his life wasnt "worth risking" since he was 14, and that honestly doesnt track for me (in part due to dialogue in season 5 where he had great plans for after highschool, before his dad intervened). I could buy that he hasn't felt like his life was his own since his father made him join starfleet at 18, but that would still put him at least at 28 in season 2.

Now the writer's weren't always the most consistent, but we also don't have any kind of timeline for how long it was between Tom being kicked out of Starfleet before actually being picked up by the Maquis, nor do we know how long he was on the Exeter. Another theory I have seen is that Tom was given the rank of Lieutenant Jr. grade by Janeway because that was his previous rank before being kicked out. I think that would make a lot of sense and explain his obviously greater experience as an officer and a pilot compared to Harry. Even if the Exeter was his first and only posting, and if it was that short, for him to be kicked out and arrested only for Janeway to make him an officer... It would make more sense to have made him an Ensign like Harry - unless he already had more experience and/or had been a Jr. Lieutenant before (which would take time).

Anyways all this to say that Tom Paris is my favorite blorbo so I also just think about him way too much haha

Just for fun, my actual headcanon is that (other than aliens like Tuvok and Kes with impossible ages), all the characters are more or less the same ages as their actors. Supposedly B'Elanna is the same age as Harry, but with the life experience she seems to have (and Roxanne Dawson being 10 years older than Garrett, 6 years older than Robbie), she just never came across as that young to me. And who knows? Maybe Harry is really 26 in season 1 because he was an over-achiever and just spent so many years doing extra curriculars at the Academy XD

Can someone please explain to me why every fic auth seems to think Harry and Tom are 10 years apart?? 😂

TOM IS ONLY 3 YEARS OLDER THAN HARRY.

ROBBIE IS ONLY 4 YEARS OLDER THAN GARRETT.

I know Robbie's hairline is gettin up there but suspend some disbelief for my boy, will ya? 🤣

[mywritersmind]

ULTIMATUM - LN4 

summary : Maybe you know he’ll win no matter what, maybe you hope he’ll do it for you. Either way, a silly ultimatum may be the best thing that happens to him the night his team becomes world champs.

listen up : MCLAREN IS WORLD FUCKING CHAMPIONS!! landonorris x zakbrownsdaughter!reader <33 just a short blurb to end the season with 🍾🏆🧡

words : 623

⋆｡‧˚

I downed the rest of my cocktail, slamming it back onto the table in a fit of blushing tipsiness. “I’ll tell you what, Norris…”

Lando’s eyes met mine, mischievous and glinting in the club lights. It was dangerous, I knew that. Lando was dangerous but the way he had been leaning into me all night, why not have a little fun?

“Abu Dhabi. It’s the last race of the reason.” He nodded slowly, “If you win, no…” I took back my words, “If you lead every single lap on that circuit… I'll give you what you want.”

He started smirking again, “And what do I… want?” his arm slips around the back of my chair, leaning in. I can smell his cologne as his fingers drift against my back.

My brow quirks as his gaze flicks down to my lips, then to my eyes. “Me.” I say simply.

He bit his lip, a smile pulling through, “Dangerous…”

I twirled a piece of his hair around my finger, whispering in his ear, as he breathed softly against my neck. “Win, and you get me.”

I knew that look in his eye, the same look he’s given me a hundred times before a race. Lando hates losing, but this is different. He would try for his team, but he would win for me.

⋆༺

The flash of orange zooms past me as my team screams, the garage going absolutely nuts. “We’re fucking world champs!” my dad hugs me, screaming and jumping up and down.

The adrenaline is up as papaya runs and screams, celebrating the team win. I laugh as Lando gets out of the car, shaking my head as he finds his family, his visor up and cheeks squished against the helmet.

He rips the black and yellow off of his head, his curls free as his smile shines bright. The crowd is going crazy and as Lando waves to them, I push through the sea of orange. “Norris!”

He turns at the call of his last name. His face is dented from his helmet and his hair is a mess. He points at me, throws his helmet on the floor, and runs. He doesn’t say a word, just grabs my waist as if I'm the trophy. His lips are on me in an instant, hungry and almost knocking me off my feet.

He's hot and sweaty and I wouldn’t want it any other way. My arms move to his shoulders to pull him in tighter, people around us whistling and clapping as he slips his tongue in my mouth. I’m so happy that I genuinely start crying.

Lando’s thumbs wipe my eyes as he smiles down at me. We get ripped away in a frenzy of cameras and team members congratulating him.

His hands find me again though, pulling me into a hug and laughing in my ear, “Maybe you should give me an ultimatum more often, Brown.” I teasingly push him away, shaking my head and rolling my teary eyes.

I can’t help the smile on my face, pushing against his chest I yell, “Every fucking lap! You did that, Lan!”

He kisses me again, his breath heavy and his lips smiling against me. I pull back the second I feel a stern hand on my shoulder, one I know all too well.

My dad eyes us both, “You two are lucky I’m in a good mood!” Lando’s still smiling, shaking hands with his team manager after he just kissed his daughter on live television. Twice.

I laugh, “Congratulations, dad!”

He narrows his eyes on Lando before waving us off, “Yeah yeah, go live it up or whatever! Lando! We have a podium to complete.”

[3motionally3xhausted]

Redesigning the Fentons!!

Hi yes this is for yet another Danny Phantom AU of mine it has nothing to do with the Apprenticeship AUs but unlike that batch I actually wanna turn this AU into a fic eventually once I get through a few other big projects I have *sobs*

Anyway individual files for each character under the cut along with my obligatory rambling about all the choices I made ;)

Jazz! Honestly, when I was a kid, I always thought she was 18 not 16 so it was kind of a shock when I started rewatching the show about a yr ago and heard that. Anyway, she's 17 in this AU but already moved out to college on a scholarship bc living in FentonWorks is kind of hell and she has that Older Sibling Guilt for leaving Danny there. For her clothes, I wanted it to be a mix of tactical and preppy.

Danny! (Fenton) The effects of FentonWorks hell is much more visible on Danny than Jazz because she got out of there as soon as she could. Because of that though, a lot of the chores in the lab got pushed onto Danny, without passing on many safety tips, like replacing the ecto-filtrator, cleaning contaminated tools, organizing ecto-weapons, etc. And because he doesn't know any better when it comes to safety, he has many symptoms of radiation poisoning: visually, this comes through in the discoloration/scarring on his skin (Jazz has some slight scarring on her face and hands as well), the cataract on his left eye, as well as burst blood vessels in that eye. For his clothes, I wanted them to look a bit ragged and worn through ripped seams, tears in the jeans, & duct tape around his shoe.

Danny! (Phantom) I don't actually have a lot to SAY about my choics, but I am really happy with it. There are still a few things. I wanted his hair as Fenton & Phantom to be different but still reminiscent of the simplistic rendering of the original show: Fenton is kind of timid so his hair falls over his face, & Phantom is more active/aggressive so his hair is pushed upward. The only other thing I want to comment on is his skin: it's kind of about how I usually stylize Phantom (and I mentioned this when I redesigned Dani a while back) but a "healthy" Phantom in my style would have more bright cyan skin and an unhealthy Phantom has a more dull/zombie green. And lastly, as a ghost, the radiation poisoning kind of cleans up into more neat scarring rather than the muddy/bleeding look as Fenton.

Maddie! Now, I'm gonna be honest, real vulnerable here,... I hate Maddie's canon haircut. It's ugly, I'm not sorry. But I can modify it, so it's fine: now it's curlier, a bit darker, and has a few grey streaks bc she's a genius and constantly pulling long working hours. And, it didn't come across as much as I wanted, but she's got some biceps, strong lady. Now, I'm not really sure why, but I wanted to shift the color of her and Jack's jumpsuit, making hers much more desaturated.

Jack! Big guy. I don't have many thoughts about him either, but I did give him glasses and some stubble for a little bit more dad energy (?) I mainly changed the color of his jumpsuit bc Orange is an extremely hard color for me to render for some reason, so now it's the classic Hazard Yellow. Finally, the most notable difference is the coat I put on him for a bit more scientist energy but my main reasoning for it is the potential visual of him being an absolute tank jumping from overhead with the ghost gauntlets and his coat flapping behind him. Also, I generally like the idea of him presenting himself as a big, dumb teddy-bear, always smiling, but completely unhinged below that facade: dropping the smile or not while towering over you in shadow. Wild imagery.

FINAL THOUGHTS: Do not count on any actual steps towards creating this fic in the near future, it's just on my mind right now, but I NEED to finish my other projects first 🙏🙏🙏 That said, I will (eventually) get around to a handful more character redesigns for this AU including: Vlad, Sam, Tucker, Valerie, Paulina, and maybe Lancer & Dash

[readwritealldayallnight]

Learning

Simon ‘Ghost’ Riley x Reader

wc: 1k words

warnings/tags: fluff

“Said it would’ve made too much of a mess. Waste o’ his money.” Simon says, slopping another spoonful of pumpkin guts into the large bowl in the middle of the kitchen table. Your usual table cloth has been switched out with an array of this weeks newspaper, the black and white print covered in the sticky remnants of your idea of fun on a Friday before Halloween.

“Not even one?” You attempt to pose the question casually, hoping to disguise the sadness in your tone, concealing the way your heart breaks at the thought of a young Simon Riley having never carved a pumpkin, his father not even allowing him to partake in that simple tradition so many others enjoy.

“S’alright, lovie.” He says, seeing right through you and recognizing the hurt you hold for him, an indication of your longing to only see love and joy in his life. If only you knew that’s everything you give him. “Did watch a mate o’ mine shoot his pellet gun at some pumpkins one year, if that makes you feel any better.”

You roll your eyes at his attempt to make you laugh, digging your spoon a little harder into the sides of your own gourd as if it were the one to have wronged you.

“Well then I’m glad I ignored you and got them anyways.” You declare, giving each pumpkin a loving little pat on its side. Simon had told you outside the grocery store, seeing your eyes land on the bright orange displays outside the shop, that they weren’t necessary.

But the both of you knew he would never deny you anything you wanted, and so he ended up carrying the two large pumpkins under each bicep and to the car himself, not letting you lift a finger.

“How’s the inside of yours looking?” You ask him, coming around to his side of the table, affectionately running a hand through the strands of hair at the base of his skull, glancing into the pumpkin he tilts in your direction for you to see. You can feel a shiver go through him at your touch, a soft sigh leaving his lips.

You’re glad he’s home with you, where he can relax, allow his biggest stresses to be his girlfriend ogling his arms as he carved open the tops of pumpkins and gutted them with efficiency.

“You’d have to tell me, love, but I think that’s as empty as it’s gettin’.” He emphasizes by tapping his spoon on the side of the sphere, listening to the dull, hollow echo it gives.

“Looks perfect. Nice work, Simon.” You tell him, planting a quick kiss to his cheek before hopping back over to your seat, leaving him looking a few shades redder than before. “Know what you’re gonna carve?”

“It’s- it’s just a face, innit?” At your question, Simon finds himself pausing. He might have had a different childhood than most, but he wasn’t daft, he knew what a jack o lantern was supposed to look like. Carved eyes, a wicked grin or large frown, sometimes even a nose in between them both.

He didn’t consider himself to be a crafty person, but he’d been a butcher for crying out loud, he could carve some shapes into a pumpkin until it resembled a face, no problem. So why are you asking him about what he’s going to carve.

“Well yeah, that’s the go to, for sure. A classic.” You reassure him, noticing the slight tension returning to his shoulders. “You can carve a face, my love. Some people just do different, they get creative with it.” Shrugging, you grab the marker you’d set aside, beginning to map out the lines for where you plan on carving your own design. You’re distracted, eyes darting between your sketching and your phone where you’ve got the inspiration photo pulled up for reference.

You don’t notice Simon’s eyes squinting ever so slightly at you before darting to the pumpkin in front of him. ‘Get creative with it’? Is that what you’re doing? Is that what you’re expecting him to do? Hoping he’ll do? He glances over at you again and notices you’ve got a bloody reference photo and everything??

He finds his cheeks beginning to burn for a different reason now, feeling stupid over not realizing you could carve more than the standard jack o lantern faces as a tradition. Obviously, you can carve anything you want into a fuckin’ pumpkin, he just didn’t know, he hasn’t done this before, and now he’s gone from feeling almost confident to worried he’s about to make a fool out of himself over something as childish as this.

“Simon.” You say, always more in tune with him than he realizes. “It’s okay, carve anything you want. I’m excited to see what you make.” You smile warmly at him across the table, a small socked foot going to nudge his ankle as well. “Believe it or not, this is supposed to be fun.”

He scoffs at your joke but doesn’t fight the smile that etches onto his face in return. He accepts your distraction when you ask if you should put on some music in the background, walking towards the record player. As he flips through the stack of vinyls, he thinks about just that, what he could possibly carve into that bloody orange sphere sat on his kitchen table, that would be fun.

Searching through any memories he considers as being ‘fun’, he finds a common factor: you. And there’s one more reoccurring element sewn into the fabric of those treasured memories as well: your laughter.

With that in mind, it’s actually quite easy for Simon to decide on what he’ll do finally. And almost an hour later, after you’ve put your blood, sweat and tears into your own pumpkin carving and deciding that the results ended up being just meh, Simon has decided that he’s undeniably the winner of the evening when he spins his creation around and has you nearly crying with laughter, insisting between wheezed breaths that he’s going to make you pee your pants, only leading to Simon’s own laughter bellowing out.

Not too bad for his first time learning.

~~~~~~~~~~

(The kind of pumpkin I’ve decided Ghost would carve 😂)