#I just thought this’d be funny lol

[nerdy-hyperfixations]

AU where Bill gets double trapped in therapy

Edit: OH! I FORGOT HIS SCAR- WHOOPS.

[where-are-the-spooky-gays-2]

I started giving danganronpa characters siblings for the heck of it cuz im bored and I thought of Ishimarus and thought it’d be funny to make his sibling a whole ass degenerate that’s lazy asf. And like 10 or smth lol. Like here ishimaru and the sleezebag little sibling ig.

Just thought this’d be funny 💀 (it’s not)

Taka would constantly be on his sibling's ass if they don't do their homework but what makes this even better is that if you imagine his sibling having the exact same face as him just completely shorter than him XD

[cbmagus49]

FORDUARY WEEK 3: AU

Figured this’d be a good opportunity to redraw my Monster Falls designs so I could post them here! Also thought it would be kinda funny to use Week 3 - which has the alt theme of ‘hands’ - for an AU in which Ford technically doesn’t have proper hands.

Also hey, I finally figured out how to do the Keep Reading thing, so full individual pics and design ramblings will be under the cut ^^ I am slowly but surely figuring out how to function on this site :P

Man I really need to get around to making a proper post about my Second Summer AU, this is the second time in a row I’ve used the designs from it and I’ve yet to talk about it at all :|

ANYWAY

First up we have Cervitaur!Dipper ^^ He had to take his hat off because the lil’ antler nubbins got in the way and he didn’t want to damage it

I hope he looks sufficiently deer-like; I’ve never seen one irl but I looked at a bunch of pictures so it should be fine, also it doesn’t matter because he’s a mythical creature and not a deer but STILL

I’m sure being the only herbivore in the family is... not stressful at all (:

Gargoyle!Stan next ^^ He’s the only one who can still wear pants lol, not that it’s terribly comfortable to do so with the tail and all but he has standards dang it

He can’t take the shirt or coat off because the wings tore through them when he transformed and they’re too big to fit back through. It’s a good thing he’s so good at mending clothes or he’d probably be pissed about this.

Idk if that’s a stony texture or scales but he sure is bumpy. I figure he can probably turn into stone as well since he’s a gargoyle so there’s that

Whenever I look at Monster Falls stuff it’s always Mermaid!Mabel this and Unitaur!Mabel that MAKE HER BOTH COWARDS

Behold: Ichthyounitaur!Mabel ^^ She’s a cutie patootie and I love her so much

She’s basically just an ichthyocentaur but the fish parts are narwhal. A side effect of this is that she doesn’t necessarily need to be submerged to survive and can’t actually breathe underwater, but she generally prefers to be in the water anyways so they got her a tank :)

Finally, it’s Sphynx!Ford ^^ Figuring out how to turn everyone back would probably go a lot quicker if he still had actual hands instead of these big unwieldy paws. Mabel’s delighted though :)

Since both gargoyles and sphynxes are commonly portrayed as statues I imagine him having a similar ability to Stan’s, but he turns metallic or something. Probably not literal pure gold because that’s hella soft and would be a terrible natural defense but something similar looking.

It seems quite appropriate to me that Ford’s default Monster Falls form is somewhat feline because fun fact: polydactyly is pretty common in cats! I don’t know if that applies to big cats as well but I thought that was neat ^^

[neighborhood-goblin]

Lmao remember that COF College AU

Finally decided majors and details for some of the characters I plan to include XD

My first time using a cut lol

Tristan

Business Major 

Cassian absolutely wants him to inherit the family business

Tris isn’t so thrilled by that

Sev and him are roommates

Neither of them can cook anything other than ramen or pizza rolls

Sometimes they order pizza

Disaster bi on so many levels

Went to one GSA club meeting but then noped right back into the closet

Not out to Cassian or most of his friends yet

The only person who knows is Sev

Has a brown tabby cat named Rex

duh

lmao going back through there’s like nothing here

they def got longer as they went on

Nyk

Linguistics, Interpretation, and Translation Major

(In HOF she is really interested in the Pyrean language and lore so I thought it fit)

Was homeless for a while

Ran away as soon as she graduated high school

(She couldn’t be around Val any longer)

Applied for a lot of scholarships and was able to gather enough money to attend college

Roommates with Sparrow

Helps Sparrow get to her classes sometimes

Elliot, Riella, and Kade come over to their dorm a lot

Elliot cooks for them

Probs gonna be bi and genderfluid in this au

Has a calico cat named Xephyra 

Phyrie for short 

Is a part of the GSA club

The GSA club consists of Anders, Elliot, Sparrow, and Kade

Sev

Fine Arts Major

Is really good at drawing but also likes painting and sculpting, too

Roommates with Tristan

Would rather die than ask Tris to get something off of a high shelf for him

He’s 5′3″ (160.02 cm)

Def petite

Tris put a whiteboard on the fridge to write shopping lists on but now they both just use it to write notes to each other

“Saw u staring at Nyk earlier HMMMMMM”

“stfu like you weren’t ogling that dude she was with”

Disaster gay but everyone just assumes he’s straight like ????

After his parents died he bounced around a few foster homes but was adopted by a doctor named Hestia when he was fifteen

He loves his mama and visits her on weekends

The food he brings back to the dorm is the only good stuff he and Tris ever eat

Knows Kade but only a little

All of my modern Sev hcs still apply

Kade

Veterinary Medicine Major

Shares the same major as Sparrow and they’re decent friends

He helps Sparrow get to the classes they share when Nyk can’t

Loves animals and is planning to adopt a doggie soon

Roommates with Elliot and Riella

He lived in a really crappy place before he became friends with Riella

The sibs invited him to move in with them (Kade also obviously helps with rent)

Became good friends with Nyk and he and the sibs spend a lot of time at her/his dorm

Used to shadow Hestia at the clinic (before he decided he wanted to be a vet and not a people doctor) and she gushed all the time about her son 

He met Sev and def thinks Sev is adorable 

Has also seen Sev around campus but hasn’t worked up the courage to talk to him yet

Demi and gay

Is a part of the GSA club

Thinks Anders is funny

Almost no one agrees

Elliot 

Culinary Arts Major

Idk it just came to me and I was like “might as well”

Cooks for Riella, Kade, Nyk, and Sparrow regularly

Has a golden retriever named Jax

Jax is crazy

He gets the zoomies

Jax is usually wary of strangers but he’s warmed up to Riella, Kade, Nyk, and is close with Sparrow

Aroace

Attends GSA

Regularly tells Anders where he can shove his musical numbers and snide comments

Roommates with Riella and Kade

Took online classes until Riella graduated so they could move together

Met Kade through Riella

Can’t handle spicy food and is appalled by the fact that Kade, Riella, and Sparrow are all fueled by eating the spiciest things possible

Refuses to eat anything with pepper on it, but keeps a shaker for his friends and sister

Nyk and him bond over being unable to tolerate anything hotter than a hot tamale candy

Likes driving

Owns a minivan

It’s unclear as to why he needs a minivan he just has one

He named it Elliot jr. as a joke once but now no one lets him forget it

Is super ultimate BFFs with Sparrow

Helps her around campus when Nyk and Kade can’t

Sparrow 

Veterinary Medicine Major

Nyk, Kade, and Elliot help her around campus (still blind and thriving)

Owns a parrot named Chirp and guide dog that everyone is 95% sure is just a wolf that Sparrow illegally bought a service animal vest for

No one knows the name of the dog

Sparrow claims that Chirp can talk but only does it in front of her

Sometimes Elliot will also claim that he’s heard Chirp talk but no one can tell if he’s telling the truth or not (He’s not even sure at this point)

Lesbian ace and is highkey dating Riella 

Elliot pretends it annoys him but secretly he’s thrilled because he adores the both of them (he’d never reveal this but Sparrow knows anyway)

Attends GSA

Brings her animals

Chirp usually just sits on her shoulder, and the dog at her feet

Has super unruly hair

Only a select few are permitted to touch it: Elliot, Riella, and Nyk

Nyk will braid it sometimes, but Sparrow usually likes to have it free 

Roommates with Nyk

Nyk decorated their room super cute, fairylights strung all around it and polaroids on the walls (though I guess she can’t see them rip)

Nyk loves Sparrow’s animals, and the animals get a long great with Phyrie (except for one time that Phyrie attacked Chirp but that doesn’t happen anymore)

Riella 

Dance Major

Not much is known about Riella but I just thought this’d be a cool major for her

idk she gives off ballerina vibes for some reason

Sapphic and dating Sparrow

Roommates with Elliot and Kade

All three of them share a bookshelf and love talking about books

They also play video games a lot together

Minecraft is not a competition but do not play with the three of them they will win

They share an ACNH island on the switch they pooled money for

Loves having her hair in french braids

Nyk usually braids it for her before classes

Ig Nyk just braids everyone’s hair smh

Wears rompers everywhere

Met Kade when a creepy dude approached her on her way to a class and Kade pretended to know her to get her away from the creepy dude

He started walking her to that class just in case and they became friends

Anders

Performing Arts Major

Super dramatic and way into theater

Has been out of the closet for years as genderqueer and pan (Prefers he/him pronouns; he’s used them all his life and he’s used to them)

Goes to GSA club and loves telling obnoxious stories

Has hinted at being in a relationship but no one knows who it is, and the club tries to find out sometimes (It’s Latham)

Grew up with Latham and they started dating when they were seventeen

Latham isn’t out of the closet yet, so he asked Anders to keep it a secret

Anders doesn’t mind at all, he’s just happy to be with the boy he loves :)

Was a part of marching band in high school, and still practices his trumpet in his free time

Regularly texts everyone a gross amount of emojis 

Latham and him moved in together when they graduated and started going to college

Latham does all the cooking

The last time Anders attempted to cook anything, the pan caught on fire (the cooking pan not Anders) (XDDD) (I think I’m hilarious) 

He’s not allowed to cook anymore

They each have their own beds but usually sleep in the same one when they don’t have guests (they are both huge cuddlers) (Anders is the little spoon)

Has a pet snake because he lives to be extra (It’s a ball python)

(I can’t remember what Anders’ phoenix is named so the snake is nameless for now)

Latham

Pre-Law Studies Major

Wants to become a lawyer

Absolutely talks crap about everyone he knows with Anders

Identifies as queer but is closeted

His family are all very religious and anti-LGBTQ+ so he’s scared to come out to them

The only person who knows is Anders

His father in particular scares him

His dad really doesn’t approve of Latham being ‘friends’ with Anders, ever since Anders came out publicly

Is decent at cooking (nowhere near as good as Elliot)

Doesn’t have a lot of friends

Kind of knows Tristan and Elliot but not really

Has a Pomeranian named Xane

He’s obsessed w/ little dogs 

[joshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

My Top 10 Ships

Thought this’d be another fun arbitrary list to make. All opinions are my own, I went one ship per franchise (kinda) and also I’ve obviously not seen every show out there so. Also like, these opinions are subject to change, in particular I went back and forth between 1 and 2 for what felt like forever. Anyway, let’s go.

10. Nico Yazawa x Jotaro Kujo

Okay okay hear me out. I know I’m starting off with a crackship, but I should mention that from here on out they’re all real. But this ship is a lot of fun! I believe an old friend and I, but maybe just the friend, came up with the ship as something of a joke, but we both found it funny and like it a lot. It’s worth mentioning that they’re both 17 so it’s not like there’s an unfortunate age gap, and of course Nico’s basically a JoJo character anyway. Idk it’s funny to imagine this ship as being a thing. Spoilers for the rest of the list, not only is this the only straight ship but it’s the only one to even have a male lol.

9. Ange x Charlotte

Being very much the main ship that Princess Principal revolves around, and that being a show I love a lot, you’d expect this to be somewhere on the list. These two are just so much fun! They have brilliant chemistry and the show’s uh, not subtle in portraying their romance together. It’s all super endearing, and when you chuck the pair’s backstory into there as well, boy that’s a lot of fun.

8. Ai Mizuno x Junko Konno

Definitely one of the best aesthetics of a ship in the entire list, AiJunko is delightful. They’re both super duper cute individually and the contrasts with their hair, Ai’s short and black versus Junko’s long and white, that looks super great. And while the two in the show have perhaps the most genuine friction thanks to what their little arc is, it’s still pretty clear that they get along outside of that and I mean, they’re both idols, that’s a lot of fun. Also I mean, call it AiJunko, call it JunkoAi, but if you call it JunAi? That translates to Pure Love, baby! I think it’s fitting really. Genuine request, ZLS Revenge should make this ship canon. ZLS has an explicitly transgender character, I don’t think it’s that unreasonable for the show to also have actual lesbians.

7. Kobayashi x Tohru

This is definitely one of the most explicit ships on the list, seeing as how uh, Tohru outright admits to having romantic and sexual feelings for Kobayashi, and it’s great that there’s no lack of clarity in this. We know Tohru’s feelings pretty much immediately and it’s super engaging watching the socially inept Kobayashi not really being able to properly reciprocate, since she barely expresses herself to begin with. Also I mean, their hecking parenting of Kanna as well is great! The themes of found family and love and stuff are explored absurdly well in Maid Dragon through this ship and their daughter, it’s just so great. You owe it to yourself to watch Maid Dragon if you haven’t already, it’s delightful. So excited for season 2.

6. Rin Shima x Nadeshiko Kagamihara

Like the show these characters are from, this ship is a super duper comfy one. They’ve both got adorable and very very warm designs, and pair together super well. And like, they’ve got so much chemistry! The show does a great job selling us on the pair’s budding friendship as it progresses, the introverted Rin growing to really enjoy Nadeshiko and her company, and texting her when they’re not together and stuff. Compared to every ship so far (other than Nico x Jotaro) it’s perhaps the one I’d least want to be canon, since Yuru Camp works best with comfy vibes as opposed to romantic vibes, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love the ship anyway.

5. Nanoha Takamachi x Fate T. Harlaown

Okay these two are like actually gay though. They live together where they sleep in the same bed and literally adopt a child together. NanoFate’s delightful, the want to talk to and understand Fate in season 1 is so strong and it’s incredibly engaging watching Nanoha try to get that opportunity, which makes that one scene where they exchange hair ribbons and stuff super emotionally gratifying. These two are great aesthetically too, a badass adorable mahou shoujo power couple? I love it, I really do.

4. Cocona x Papika

This is another one that’s really explicitly gay, albeit not in the “it’s a canon ship” way but in the “Cocona is literally canonically gay for Papika” way. I mean, did you see episode 7? You could not be more blunt about one girl exploring her romantic attraction to another girl than having her explore a world populated by romance character archetypes of that other girl. Like, come on. Cocona is very explicitly homosexual and is attracted to Papika, and I mean, while it’s not like they ever kiss on the lips or anything (unfortunately), Papika is still physically affectionate enough and says more than enough “dai-dai-daisuke!” for it to be clear that the feelings are mutual. Also they literally wear magical wedding dress armour in the final fight? That’s ridiculously blatant. This ship’s great, this show’s great, go watch it. Best yuri anime.

3. Kumiko Oumae x Reina Kousaka

If you’ve seen Eupho, you just, you just know. Without ever needing to kiss, these two manage to be the most romantic couple I’ve seen in a TV anime. I think like, the thing about it is that, when I first watched Eupho, I fell in love with Reina. Not in a romantic way, like I’m really not that type of person with fictional characters, but I just really really admired Reina. And then I kind of realised, that I admire Reina in much the same way as Kumiko does. Now that’s why Kumiko became my favourite by the way, but also, I think that realisation kind of really made me understand that Kumiko loves Reina, like, romantically. Or should at least smh. Idk this ship has perhaps done a bit more to disappoint me than some others but I love it so much in spite of that, they have such a wonderful dynamic and it’s so emotionally resonant seeing Kumiko improve and strive to be like Reina, as well as watching Reina like, you know, rip Kumiko’s mask off. Honestly that mountain scene in episode 8 is probably the most romantic thing I’ve ever seen. Incredible ship and honestly the one I most want to be canon, even if it’s not number 1 or even 2 on the list overall.

2. Madoka Kaname x Homura Akemi

I think I have a few followers who might be a bit surprised by this not being number 1. I’ll touch on that more when we actually get to number 1, but for now, let’s talk about MadoHomu. To begin with, this is another one of the best ships aesthetically on the entire list. Madoka Magica has my favourite character designs in any anime ever, and while my actual favourite design is Sayaka’s, Madoka and Homura’s designs are absolutely god tier, so seeing the two together, you’d obviously expect it to look incredible, the black and pink go together stunningly well. As for their relationship, it’s unquestionably the most fascinating and interesting one on the list. I don’t want to sound big brain IQ 300 or anything, but this ship has just, so many layers to it, between Moemura falling in love with Madoka, becoming cool Homura, subsequent timeline Madokas not even being “the same” as the one Homu fell in love with, heckin, Madoka becoming God and learning what Homura did for her, and then the entirety of Rebellion, flower field scene and Homura becoming Satan, all of it. That was more of a synopsis than anything but like, there’s so much to this! It’s absolutely incredible how a pair that seem almost fundamentally incompatible can still be so compelling anyway. Not even kidding I think the best way to end this series would be to have these two become like, a canon couple, because there is nothing more magical girl than the love of two people overcoming everything, even those people’s incompatibility with one another. But they’re also still super compatible anyway! You look back at timeline 1 and Homu’s so happy to be with Madoka and stuff and Madoka gets so much joy out of seeing Homura do her best, god that hug after they defeat Patricia is delightful. And also like, Luminous! That cheek rub might just be the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. God. What a masterpiece of a work and a masterpiece in character relationships.

1. Chika Takami x Riko Sakurauchi

I think the best way of saying why this is number 1, even beating out MadoHomu, is to say that like, MadoHomu isn’t my favourite element of Madoka Magica. I’ve gone into extensive detail about everything I love about Madoka on multiple occasions, but when it comes to Love Live, ChikaRiko is genuinely my favourite thing about the entire franchise. MadoHomu is a ship drenched in complexities that, while infinitely fascinating, don’t, in official works at least, provide that same comforting delight I get from ChikaRiko. It’s wonderfully apparent just how much these two get out of each other, Riko’s arc in season 1 is intrinsically tied to that normal monster pushing her to be able to love her passion again. And if not for Riko, who so clearly absolutely loves Chika, I don’t think Aqours could even exist. Not just in the “Riko provided piano music” – that’s obvious, but I mean, that 0 at Tokyo. Riko’s the one who chased Chika into the sea, hugged her and told her it’s okay to cry, she was happy to see that frustrated Chika, the one who wasn’t bottling everything up, hiding it from others, and can we talk about the fact that Riko is the one Chika shows all this to? And I mean, episode 10. That “daisuki” on the beach is another one of the most romantic things I’ve ever seen in anime. These two get so much out of one another, they’re both positive influences on one another and have delightful chemistry with each other. And that aesthetic, it’s stunning. Chika and especially Riko have really nice designs, they’re super adorable and when it comes to this ship specifically, it gives me very autumnal vibes, Riko’s dark red hair somehow both contrasting and complementing Chika’s bright orange hair. I like Homura and Kumiko more than I like Riko, and I like Madoka, Homura, Kumiko, Reina and Riko more than I like Chika. Yet in spite of the ship not having my favourite characters, it’s my favourite ship regardless. Again, it was very tough deciding between this and MadoHomu, and if I wrote this list on a different day I might have even put MadoHomu at number 1, but for now, I feel happy letting this list be what it is, and letting this ship be number 1. Also did you know today is ChikaRiko middle day? As in, the date exactly in the middle of Chika and Riko’s birthday. I think that’s a good day to post this list, given that ChikaRiko are the number 1, so. Oh also this ship is what I meant when I pulled the “(kinda)” after one per franchise given Nico’s already on the list.

Anyway uh, that’s it. If you can’t already tell, I like yuri.

[pinktatertots99]

could you do some hajishin angst? could be super heartbreaking for shin or something not super angsty, i just low-key want shin to suffer a bit

not so angsty? for this ship? ya crazy sin it’s always all or nothin for this ship lol but ok. blame first burn and og burn for this it was the only thing giving me an idea jkhfdhkjdsfjs.

______

the crackling of the fire was the only sound shin could listen and see as everything else he couldn’t concentrate on. how it danced and flowed onto the burning and slowly decreasing in strength logs. using them to their own advantage to become as vibrant as they are.

“so, this is it?” he thought in his head, the moment that happened earlier that day before work he had met up his darling who asked for his presense. in his hands he gripped the note he gave him. he could remember the look of awkwardness in his ruby eyes after he read it. “it’s nothing personal.” he remembered him saying. “just that this relation was fine but, now that your our warden-”

“so what yes? it means we can’t keep it still professional?”

“i have a stance in nanba sir. sides, if it gets out-”

“you just care for your status, don’t you sugoroku?” he could remember his eyes looking yes, and his mouth imitating a dying fish’s on what to say at that. he knew it. he knew it. he chuckled half heartedly at that. “well, don’t let me get in the way.”

“it’s not-”

“it’s fine.” it wasn’t fine. “we all have to make sacrifices for the best don’t we?” his words back there were filled with vile acid, something he’d never know if the supervisor would notice. they couldn’t even finish properly as both were called back for their work. and now he was here, back home, with the note from him going into detail on this that shin gleaned at first but now could fully read it. how this could affect their relationships work wise, personal wise, their status’s, how they’d be perceived.

...he found this funny, to think, this’d all crumple and burn like a log burning fire all for this stuff, stuff he shouldn’t care so deeply bout but did. ...was his own fault anyways for getting so close. ...he crumpled the piece up, throwing it into the fire and watched with listless eyes as it burned.

[edelgoth]

Request for a matchup? One from 3 houses and one from awakening. I'm ok with any gender from awaking but specifically men for 3 Houses. My hobbies are drawing, playing with my cat, and swimming. My cat is everything lol. I don't really like those quizzes for personality, though, so I'll try to describe myself. I'm kinda quiet, but that's only because I usually have nothing to talk about haha. I like hanging out with people, though. I like people who make me laugh, are confident and outgoing.Thx!

hi!! hope you like these!

from awakening, i match you with…

henry!!

i tossed this one up for a bit, but i feel like henry would be a great match for you! 

first of all, i hope you like puns, because O H B O Y !! henry strikes me as the sort of person who loves to make their partner laugh, so he’s just going to subject you to an endless barrage of jokes. the good AND the bad. 

oh and pranks!! i feel like he’d regale you into playing pranks on others (usually in the form of hexes), and you guys would become n o t o r i o u s for it 

(i know henry and pranks isn’t exactly textual, but c o m e o n)

i also feel like he’d enjoy teasing you. where did your drawing pad go? ah, there it is. now it has memes in it. 

i don’t think it’d matter that you were quiet, because henry could Fill That Silence

i feel like ravens are to henry what cats are for you, so you’d have such an eclectic little family of animals that nobody else quite understands 

i think you two would contrast each other quite nicely! he’s so bright and loud, while you’re more of a grounding force 

although i hope your aesthetic is light and bright because that’d be an even better visual contrast 

essentially, this’d be such a fun couple, but everyone else better watch out 

alternate matchups

vaike: confident and outgoing? vaike’s your guy. you guys’ll always have something to talk about (see: vaike), and i feel like the two of you would also offer a nice contrast!

cordelia: she’s incredibly hard-working, so i can imagine the two of you whittling away the hours as she trains, while you draw (probably her). she’s a bit of a harder nut to crack, though.

from three houses, i match you with…

felix!!

okay so felix might not be outgoing, but the more i thought about this match, the more emotionally invested i got so here we are

felix and cats? an incredible concept? there’s a reason i reblogged that bit of art before posting this, and it’s because felix’d be a GREAT cat dad 

you and felix just collecting all the strays around the monastery and accidentally creating The World’s Biggest Family

felix wouldn’t mind the fact that you’re not particularly talkative; honestly, i think he’d prefer it!!

i imagine you just sitting in on his training sessions, doing your own thing and maybe not even paying particular attention to him (i think deep down he’d be a little miffed if you weren’t paying attention to how impressive he was)

he just likes to spend time with you, and you guys are masters of the comfortable silence 

okay but being the sort of couple that can understand each other without saying a word? you guys to a t

the rest of the blue lions are just baffled by your relationship (and how you put up with felix’s obsession with training)

but felix genuinely appreciates having you around, and the fact that you don’t disrupt him or engage him in inane conversation

i feel like he has a sarcastic sense of humour? so while he’s not laugh-out-loud funny, i think he’d be able to say the right thing and the right time to get a rise out of you 

alternate matchups

ferdinand: ferdie is Peak Confidence, and the type to be accidentally hilarious tbh. he also strikes me as very earnest, so watch him try to befriend every cat the two of you come across in an attempt to impress you. 

claude: claude is more intentionally funny than ferdinand, and he’s the definition of confident and outgoing (at least on the surface). he strikes me as quite the conversationalist, so he’d always be bringing up things for the two of you to talk about. but, he also seems perceptive enough to know when silence is preferred. 

[zenlesszonezero]

[frankbelloriley]

Here’s a giant WrestleMania 35 preview. I’m going to break down the 17 match card into three categories of “What’s the story?” “Will it rip?” “What result should I hope for?”, and, Jesus, this thing is going to be seven hours long, and woof, no one has time for all that, you’re gonna want time to get up and make something to eat/grab a beer.

Some edits have been made since I wrote this a couple of weeks ago because *Jeff Goldblum Jurassic Park laugh* wrasslin’ writing. Most have been left out. Some are still in.

now a bunch of these haven’t been officially booked yet, but this seems to be the way they’re going so if they have a ** next to them, that means they’re not official yet

Smackdown Tag Titles: The Usos (c) vs Aleister Black & Ricochet vs Rusev/Nakamura vs The Bar

What’s the story?: Late addition, there was an 8-man tag team between the heels and the faces of this match, but the Usos have to defend in a Fatal Four Way as consequences for forfeiting against Big E and Xavier Woods in the Gauntlet that would put Kofi in the main title match.

Will it rip?: It’ll be fun. Everyone here is good at their job. If you’ve never watched tag wrestling, this should be fun, and if you have watched tag wrestling, this will be fine, probably a really exciting finish. Edit: All of that was written when I thought this would be Usos vs The Bar and...it still works. Rusev/Nakamura are still good and they have incredible chemistry with Aleister Black and Ricochet. This should be a “everyone gets a moment” 15 minute match with a bonus “Ricochet flips off the top rope onto all the heels.”

What result should I hope for?: No injuries.

RAW Tag Titles: The Revival (c) vs probably Bobby Roode and Chad Gable**

What’s the story?: Roode and Gable and The Revival won it from them, Roode and Gable want their rematch, but the rematch clause was eliminated, but WWE hasn’t built up tag team wrestling in their promotion so there isn’t anyone to challenge The Revival other than Roode and Gable so. Here we are.

Will it rip?: 3/4 of the people invovled are very good in-ring performers, and the 4th is Bobby Roode. It’ll be fine.

What result should I hope for?: This goes 10 minutes and then Roode finally turns on Gable after they lose. #FreeChadGable

EDIT: Currently not on the card as of this writing and may not be. Hmmm.

Women’s Tag Team Titles: Banks/Bayley (c) vs Beth Phoenix/Natalya vs Nia Jax/Tamina vs The IIconics

What’s The Story?: At Fastlane, Sasha Banks and Bayley successfully defended the titles against Nia Jax and Tamina, they got mad and beat them down, to the chagrin of on-commentary Beth Phoenix, who called them out then and there, so Nia Jax and Tamina beat her down, so Natalya came out for the save. Then a couple days later The IIconics pinned the tag champions on Smackdown.

Will it rip?: Uhhhhh, probably not. If they really wanted to build up the Women’s Tag Team Titles, this should be against Mandy Rose and Sonya Deville, and that would 100% rip, but it’s not. Sasha Banks and Bayley will look good, The IIconics will do some funny character work, and the rest will be okay. There’s no non-injury (*knocks on wood*) way Banks and Bayley are dropping the titles after going on NXT and saying they’ll defend them there without having defended them once.

What result should I hope for?: That this goes 10 minutes and Nia Jax doesn’t injure anyone. (I’m hoping for 10 minute matches because even if everything went 10 minutes, THIS’D STILL BE A 3 AND A HALF HOUR SHOW)

Shane McMahon vs The Miz- Falls Count Anywhere

What’s the story? A few months back during the Oil And Blood Money Pay Per View, The Miz got “injured” before the World Cup Tournament final, Shane inserted himself, somehow won (lol), and Shane proceeded to proclaim himself the Best In The World (LOL). They tagged up, they won the Tag Team Championships from The Bar, they then immediately lost the Tag Team Championships to The Usos, they asked for and got a rematch despite the rematch clause being no more was the whole plan for the tag team division “sign The Young Bucks through money or magic??”  lost the rematch in The Miz’s hometown of Cleveland with his dad watching (Miz wanted to win the Tag Team Titles to get the pride of his dad, no really), so Shane, leaning into the company’s Eric Trump figure, beat up The Miz and also his dad sitting in the front row. It’s the most well paced and thought out plotline on the card and the only one that’s gone longer is the Becky-Ronda feud. LOL

Will it rip? Despite all the sarcasm I used in that last paragraph, this should absolutely be fun. The Miz is a good character, having done a good face turn in this pretty good on mic segment, and Shane, for all his limitations as a wrassler, is guaranteed to do something that will make you go, “buddy, you’re a dude in his mid 40s and the son of the owner of a billion dollar company, you ain’t got to kill yourself like this” during this match. This was last month’s such moment. Edit: Falls Count Anywhere so if MetLife Stadium has a platform that can be jumped off of, Snae McMahon, that wild sonovagun, is gonna jump off it into the crowd.

What result should I hope for? 10 minutes, Shane does something that makes you hope he didn’t die, The Miz wins via interference by a return of Sami Zayn????? (that last bit was me being hopeful, I miss Sami who, it should be noted, saw the rise of Becky Lynch happen a year out like an abuela with the sight)

AJ Styles vs Randy Orton

What’s the story?: Pretty interesting for WWE standards. Randy Orton is a third generation WWE guy while AJ Styles is a self-made wrestler who made a name on the Indies before going to the big leagues. They really leaned into this angle which resulted in one of the best on-mic promos either have done in recent memory, and regardless of the match itself, it is incredible that they were able to pull it off.

Will it rip?: Yeah. Randy Orton’s a poor man’s Brock Lesnar in that his move set is limited but when he gives a shit, he does alright, and AJ Styles is a guy who can make a guy with a limited move set look good (see: Jinder Mahal, Shane MacMahon)

What result should I hope for?: A clean as hell finish that shows that this is a one match kinda deal and it doesn’t extend out into SummerSlam

Drew McIntyre vs Roman Reigns

What’s the story?: Roman Reigns has famously beat leukemia and is returning for the ring in singles action for the first time. He was supposed to have a singles match a couple weeks ago against Baron Corbin, but Drew McIntyre came out and concussed him (sidebar: not a fan of WWE doing concussion storylines especially when Alexa Bliss has missed 6-8 months due to real life concussions). His SHIELD pal Dean Ambrose immediately sought retribution in a no-DQ match, Falls Count Anywhere against McIntyre, and McIntyre beat him by kicking him in the head after trapping him in some stair hand rails. Then the next week, McIntyre beat Roman’s other SHIELD pal Seth Rollins. McIntyre wants to destroy the SHIELD one-by-one and Reigns wants to avenge his friends.

Will it rip?: if it’s Roman Reigns and Drew McIntyre left on their own to cook for 20-25 minutes, oh yeah. Drew McIntyre has looked like a monster the past few weeks, Roman is ready to face someone his own size, and the crowd is ready to cheer the hell out of Roman Reigns. However, I have no reason to not suspect WWE will overbook the hell out of this, have a goofy as fuck finish, and that is a goddamn shame. This should absolutely rip, but if it doesn’t, that’s why.

What result should I hope for?: Honestly, that Drew McIntyre wins cleanly. The money’s in the chase, and it’s better going forward for the story if Roman loses here. Drew McIntyre has gone through the SHIELD in singles action, looking like a monster heel, especially if Brock Lesnar is leaving WWE after WrestleMania and they need a new one. Then there’s the “will Roman ever be the same??” storyline. So Drew can take the Universal Championship from Seth Rollins at Money in the Bank in June, so Roman can win it back from him in SummerSlam exactly a year after winning it from Brock Lesnar the first time. This story books itself, but Vince hates stories that book themselves (see: Becky-Ronda next).

Kurt Angle vs Baron Corbin except, hold on, wait, is that? It’s JOOOOOOOOHN CEEEEENAAAAAA (BAH BADA BAAAAAAAH BAH BADA BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH)

What’s the story? Kurt Angle is retiring and wants his final match to be against Baron Corbin, someone he’s never beat and the guy who took his GM job away from him and ran RAW into the ground as a way to handwave away months of just fucking awful episodes of RAW and tanking ratings. If WWE is being honest with themselves and everyone else when they say “the only bad reaction is no reaction” then there is no way this match is happening because when Kurt announced Baron Corbin as his opponent in Chicago you could hear a fucking pin drop. Hopefully this gets changed at last minute to John Cena to bring everything full circle where Cena debuted to a Kurt Angle open challenge.

Will it rip? If Vince decides to double down and say “am I out of touch? no, it’s the children who are wrong” (and with him you can never be sure that he won’t) and keeps Baron Corbin, fuck no. It’s not fun and it only reminds everyone of a time that everyone is trying to forget, even WWE creative. If it’s John Cena, yeah, this will be fun and goofy, which is an underrated aspect of both performers. Edit: boy they ‘bout to do it. They’re really trying to push Baron Corbin as an actual threat in this match. Dude made a Rey Mysterio match boring. And either Rey tweaked his ankle as a work (another obstacle for Rey to overcome against Joe later on! *j/o jesture*) or Baron Corbin for real tweaked Rey Mysterio’s ankle to push a match that’ll be boring as hell. Boo.

What result should I expect? There’s no way Angle is winning this, so let’s just hope it doesn’t go too long and doesn’t end with him having another freakin’ break in his broken neck.

Drax The Destroyer Batista vs Triple H

What’s the story? Batista and Triple H were faction buddies back in the day with Ric Flair, and on Ric’s 70th birthday, Batista beat Ric up to get Trips’ attention. Batista then yelled at Triple H a bunch which gave us not only this match but some hilarious memes on Twitter.

Will it rip? Buddy, it’s two 50 year old dudes, one of whom just came back from a torn pectoral injury, getting 30 minutes to wrestle and getting gassed in 10 if we’re being optimistic. No, it won’t, and them having a bad match doesn’t take away that 1) Triple H is currently running a fantastic promotion on NXT and him hanging up his boots to be a wrestling booker is best for everyone, 2) Dave has grown and continues to grow as a fantastic character actor. 

What’s the result I should hope for? Either they shorten it to 15-20 minutes and they figure out clever ways to hide that 50 year olds should not be wrestling that aren’t rest holds.

United States Championship: Samoa Joe (c) vs Rey Mysterio (and possibly vs Andrade Cien Almas)**

What’s the story? Samoa Joe won it from national treasure R-Truth in a Fatal Four Way against him, Rey Mysterio and Andrade Cien Almas on an episode of Smackdown about a month ago, then retained it in a rematch with all four dudes on Fastlane (both matches fucking riiiiiiiiiipped), then a couple of weeks ago, Rey pinned Joe during a tag match, so we got this. Also, Rey and Andrade have been feuding for quite some time as to who will be the future because I guess there can only be one Latino guy on the program (me: ¿porqué no los dos?) so there’s an 80% chance he’ll get added to this match, but despite the racist logic, Rey and Andrade have incredible chemistry and another page in the Rey-Andrade feud that adds a large Samoan who can powerslam both at the same time is far from the worst thing.

Will it rip? What kinda dumbass question is this. Yes. Hell yes.

What result should I hope for? No injuries and, if Andrade is added, he doesn’t take the pin. Sit back and have a good time.

Intercontinental Championship: Bobby Lashley w/ Lio Rush (c) vs Finn Balor

What’s the story? Typical WWE stuff, they’ve been trading the belt since shortly after the Royal Rumble, there’s been some intrigue in the Bobby-Lio dynamic with the manager getting on the big man’s bad side, but since he helped Bobby win the belt from Finn, they seem to be good. If only Finn Balor had an alterego that basically operates in kayfabe as going Super Saiyan...

Will it rip? Eh. I like Finn, and Lio Rush has helped Bobby Lashley as a character a whole bunch, but they have no wrestling chemistry whatsoever.

What result should I hope for? Finn brings out the Demon, and squashes both Lashley and Lio in five minutes flat. Edit: Finn’s bringing out the Demon. But since it’s not coming as a surprise, it won’t be a squash match. Smh.

Cruiserweight Championship: Buddy Murphy (c) vs Tony Nese

What’s the story? To keep it 100, I legit forgot this/205 Live was happening, so I had to Google it, but Tony Nese won a tournament to challenge Buddy Murphy.

Will it rip? Oh hell yeah. 205 Live is the wrestling equivalent of that show you keep hearing everyone else talk about and you sit down to watch an episode and think “wow this is really good, I should really start watching it” but then you don’t because there’s so much tv, you know?

What result should I hope for? The literal only reason Buddy Murphy should drop the belt is if he’s making his way to RAW or Smackdown.

Smackdown Women’s Championship: Asuka (c) vs either Mandy Rose or Sonya Deville or Naomi or Carmella**

What’s the story?: So, if Many or Sonya, this story is in service of breaking up Mandy Rose and Sonya Deville’s friendship with Asuka as an afterthought. This is probably a squash match with Asuka retaining. If Naomi, this is an interesting callback to when they were a tag team. If this is Carmella (my personal choice), this is a squash to make up/rid us forever of the James Ellsworth saga. All of this is to say that Asuka feels like an afterthought in this match, and whoever wins the contenders match to face her is getting fed to Asuka. Anything else makes her look like a goober (not that WWE is above making Asuka look like a goober). (Oh god, Lacey Evans is going to walk up the ramp and make Asuka look like a goober, this is Ellsworth all over again.)

Will it rip?: Sadly no. Asuka and Sonya Deville, if given 10-15 minutes on the biggest stage for some stiff strikes, would absolutely rip, but as of this writing that doesn’t seem to be the story so far.

What result should I hope for?: Something that builds up Asuka and doesn’t throw away the plot point that she made Becky goddamn Lynch tap out three months ago. Man, this match is really disappointing especially after she had arguably the best match at last year’s WrestleMania.

The entire previous section was replaced by a Sarcastic Laugh and a “We Want Asuka” Chant

RAW Women’s Championship: Ronda Rousey (Raw Women’s Champion ) vs Becky Lynch vs Charlotte Flair (Smackdown Women’s Champion)

What’s the story?: Christ. Where to begin. This should be very simple. “Smackdown Women’s Champion Becky Lynch was set to fight RAW Women’s Champion Ronda Rousey at Survivor Series but, due to Nia Jax for real punching Becky Lynch’s face, breaking her skull and concussing her, that match had to be put on hold, and the image of Bloodied Becky Lynch made everyone want that match at some point. So Becky Lynch entered the Royal Rumble and won it and the opportunity to face a champion of her choosing and chose Ronda Rousey the next night.” That should be it, and even inserting Heel Charlotte Flair into the match can make sense because WWE doesn’t like face vs. face matches and can garner boos from the crowd even if it had to be in the service of Becky Lynch’s Overcoming The Odds™. (The worst thing about WWE’s storytelling is that if someone gets over with the crowd on their own or not the way WWE wanted them to, WWE/Vince feels like they have to get them over on his terms only.) But then Ronda Rousey on social media couldn’t take a kayfabe joke and was turned heel, and it’s all very confusing. I could talk about how this will inevitably lead to a NXT Four Horsewomen vs MMA Four Horsewomen angle, but how we got here is convoluted as hell even for wrestling standards, and Eddie Guerrero and Rey Mysterio once had a match for the custody of Rey Mysterio’s son. Just follow Becky Lynch on Twitter/Instagram and watch her dunk on Ronda Rousey honestly. EDIT: [through still angry, sarcastic laughter] SO Charlotte got Asuka to tap out two weeks before WrestleMania and this is now a winner takes all. [yells “I want justice!” then calms down] Okay. So. The outside reason for this is that Ronda Rousey has not given WWE a definitive answer for if she’s leaving after WrestleMania to focus on having a family, and they need an out. The rumor is (spoiler, kinda, in a “so Spider-man saves the day at the end of the movie” way) Becky is winning but who she pins depends on whether Ronda is leaving or not. If Ronda stays, Charlotte gets pinned so Ronda can demand a one-on-one match for the title she lost but didn’t get pinned for, but if Ronda leaves, she gets pinned, and the Charlotte-Becky feud continues. That...actually makes sense for a longtime storytelling reason.

Will it rip?: Oh god yes, don’t get it twisted. The thing about WWE writing is that we’ll forget how we got here the second Becky Lynch does a leg drop off a ladder onto Ronda Rousey and Charlotte Flair on the German announce table.

What result should I hope for?: a good clean match with little-to-no overbooking, a run in from a called-up-from-NXT Shayna Baszler is not out of the question here nor would it be unwelcome

Universal Championship: Brock Lesnar (c) vs Seth Rollins

What’s the story?: Brock Lesnar won the leukemia-vacated Universal Championship in a country WWE is not allowed to say but still takes absurd amounts of money from, and Seth Rollins won the Men’s Royal Rumble match and won the right to challenge him for the title.

Will it rip?: Brock Lesnar is engraved on “Keep Getting Them Checks” Mt. Rushmore, but that being said, he has good matches when he gives a shit with the right opponent that brings it out of him (see: AJ Styles, Daniel Bryan, or even Finn Balor a couple months ago), and Seth Rollins hasn’t had a bad match in a good while. Yes.

What result should I hope for?: no overbooking, this story is simple, let Seth win this cleanly, let Brock leave, and allow Drew McIntyre to be the monster heel of the company.

WWE Championship: Daniel Bryan (c) vs Kofi Kingston

What’s the story? Kofi was a last minute replacement for Mustafa Ali in the Elimination Chamber and a gauntlet match the week before, and the guy put on two career best performances within a week, basically forcing WWE’s hand into putting Kofi Kingston into the championship picture. So now WWE’s going through the process of them getting him over, but at least it’s less convoluted than Becky’s story. (Kofi had a match for the Championship at Fastlane, but at the signing, Vince replaced him with Kevin Owens, then at Fastlane, Kofi pled his case to be added to the match, getting Vince to agree that the match would be a triple threat, making him think he would be added, instead adding Mustafa Ali, while Kofi got a match that resulted in him getting beat by The Bar, so Kofi and Xavier Woods and Big E pled their case for Kofi getting Vince to agree that if Kofi beats The Bar, Rowan, Samoa Joe, and Randy Orton in another gauntlet match, he’ll be added to the match, but when Kofi Overcomes The Odds™ and beats all five, he suddenly he has to face a sixth competitor, the current champion Daniel Bryan, and beats them, and, as of this writing, The New Day is thinking about quitting). What ended up happening is that The New Day pled their case to Vince, so Vince told the other two members of the New Day to run a gauntlet against five tag teams (four, because The Usos forfeited because of competitive honor), which they did. So, through the power of friendship, Kofi Kingston is on his way to WrestleMania. Wrestling is good.

Will it rip? Oh hell yeah. Kofi is one of the best workers and in-ring performers in the company, and he’s facing Daniel Bryan, the current best heel in WWE now that Tommaso Ciampa is unfortunately injured.

What result should I hope for? KO-FI KO-FI KO-FI KO-FI KO-FI KO-FI

OTHER POSSIBILITIES

Now that is 15 matches on the card which, already, good grief, but AEW has Vince shook, so there’s reportedly going to be 16-17 matches on the card just to make sure wrestlers don’t get disgruntled and want to ask for their release. Some wrestlers not currently on the card who are hopefully not relegated to the pre-show Battle Royale are Mustafa Ali, Kevin Owens, The Bar, Heavy Machinery, Andrade. The Bar vs Heavy Machinery could be a very fun pre-show match, but if we’re talking about a match on the actual card, I’m gonna fantasy book this because this is my preview and god bless you if you’ve read this far.

#1 Contender Fatal Four Way Match For the United States Title: Andrade Cien Almas vs Mustafa Ali vs Kevin Owens vs MYSTERY OPPONENT

What’s the story? That’s the brilliance of it, it doesn’t need that much of a build. Whoever wins this match is added to the US match. R-Truth is supposed to be here, but, like what happened in the Rumble, he and Carmella get taken out before it happens by Andrade and Zelina Vega. So instead, someone on a luchador mask comes out. We don’t know who he is, but he seems to have it in for Kevin Owens. During the four way, Mustafa and Andrade do their thing, the luchador hits a Helluva Kick on Kevin Owens and stands over him, removes his mask and....OH MY GOD, IT’S SAMI ZAYN!!! who then gets rolled up by Andrade and goes into the United States title match.

Will this rip? Would I make this up if it wouldn’t?

What result should I hope for? I just told you!