#I just really really hope it happens this year because I don't know if I'm ready for the heartbreak of another fucking rejection

[violentbitingbiscuits]

thank you for this post, just THANK YOU.

this is what I genuinely need to hear and read 🥹

okay so rant ahead (don't read if you don't want or are sensitive to topics like transphobia and transmisandry)

I realized that I am in fact a man and got out of the closet two years ago, but I still struggle a lot to accept myself because I feel like I'm not "masculine enough" compared to other men and the fact that I usually like stuff that are usually targeted towards girls and I also show my feelings a lot instead of liking things like cars or the color blue and hide my feelings which makes even harder to accept myself, and also things like my gender expression and always been misgendered doesn't help, so even if I know that I feel like a man and I see myself as one I still doubt myself a lot, like outside of places like the internet 99% of the time I am being misgendered even by my parents, I'm not called by my pronouns, name or honorifics (like man and boy) since people just look at me and assume that I am a girl, it's always things like "that's my daughter (deadname)" instead, I always suffered transphobia SPECIALLY after I got out of the closet so I had to listen to TEACHERS (usually in their 30's/40's who also happened to be mostly cis women) screaming at me that I would never be a real man because I don't have a dick and even worse stuff (just a detail that I was still 17 at the time and also dealing with a lot of mental health struggles), not to mention how I never see someone like me at the media, it's always the most masculine tboy that I ever seen and it makes me so jealous and dysphoric, like why I can't be like him, not to mention how they are always so skinny and have a binder compared to me, and I feel so out of place, it just feels like people like me don't exist and in general I barely see any trans men representation and with all these struggled I still see some people trying to make people like me feel bad for just being masculine (even if it's in a queer way), like idk, probably there's more things that I don't remember now but these are some of the what makes so hard to accept myself as the man that I am, so I really appreciate to read this 🫂 I hope you have a good day op

Idk what trans man needs to hear this but you're NOT evil or disgusting for being a man. You do NOT have to suffer for the sins of the patriarchy committed by cis dudes. Being a man doesn't invalidate the misogyny you experienced growing up or experience now. Being a man doesn't mean you deserve to be isolated. Being a man doesn't mean you're inherently predatory or scary. You didn't "choose" this, and finding your true self is NOT "betraying the community" because you happen to be a man and/or masculine rather than a woman and/or feminine. You ARE allowed to be upset when people "affirm" your gender by malgendering you.

You DO deserve a community that uplifts you. You DO deserve to experience trans joy. You DO deserve to have your voices heard and your struggles recognized. Wanting the bare minimum of solidarity is NOT "making everything about trans men".

[jadedbirch]

Gather around, my young friends and fellow dinosaurs, let me tell you about some BULLSHIT no one ever tells you about. I'm talking about menopause and perimenopause. Now, menopause has a very stringent medical definition. You have to not have had a period for exactly 12 months and a day to be considered in menopause. All the bullshit before that day once you start going through The Change is considered perimenopause. Here's some bullshit you might experience that people actually talk about when you're in perimenopause:

- shorter time between periods

- irregular periods

- hot flashes and/or cold flashes

- fucked up sleep

- OMG NIGHT SWEATS

- Vagina as dry as the Sahara desert

- lighter periods and/or endless bleeding like it's The Flood but it's in your pants

- lack of interest in Adult Fun Times

This time of joy can last anywhere from a couple of years to a god damn decade and there's no medical way right now to predict it.

Here's some of the REAL bullshit they don't tell you about but your dinosaur aunt is here to let you know:

- You can start perimenopause in your 30s, don't listen to idiot doctors who tell you you're "too young" because they don't know your body like you do.

- Perimenopause will make you HELLA DUMB. Seriously, I'm talking Bigly broken brain. Brain fog? Check. Short term memory? Wave goodbye to it. Ability to make words form out of thoughts? Yeah, good luck to you.

- Perimenopause can cause horrible fatigue because in addition to losing estrogen, you're also losing testosterone. Oh and that also leads to muscle wasting, cool cool.

- Things might suddenly hurt more because estrogen is known to be neuroprotective.

- If you're super lucky like I am, and like to collect rare illnesses, you might even get Burning Mouth Syndrome 💀

- And meanwhile, while you're going through this bullshit, you'll be getting gaslit by doctors who are operating based on 30 year old debunked data about how HRT causes breast cancer (not really) and that they shouldn't put you on it until you're in actual menopause. (Data shows starting HRT early can potentially prevent Alzheimer's in later years.)

- There are entire online clinics right now (I use Midi Health) focused on providing care for peri and menopausal patients and they will happily prescribe you HRT even if your regular PCP or OBGYN do not (if you meet the criteria). I've been pretty impressed with how holistically they view the patient. For full disclosure, I learned about them from my integrative health doctor and they do not accept Medicare (yet).

I'm 46 years old right now and I've been symptomatic for perimenopause for the last 8 years, although it's gotten the most dramatic in the past 2 years or so, which I hope means I'm almost done, holy hell. Yeah I was on the early side, but if it can happen to me, it can happen to you, so it's never too early to think about these things. And I hope to at least spare some of you the mind-fuckery I've been through because no one told me about most of this stuff, including my own mother who just DOESN'T REMEMBER what happened to her and now I completely understand why. And because I also have a connective tissue disease, I used to just dismiss my pain and fatigue as being caused by that illness rather than the loss of hormones.

Anyways, this is why we need Elders in our lives, so they can do Grandma Story Hour like I just did and validate you when the entire medical field tries to gaslight you. I hope you've found some or all of this educational/useful. Please share with your friends because we really do NOT talk about this stuff enough. (Ewwww Moon Blood!)

Stay well, and don't let the bastards grind you down!

[thatbitchery]

Very few things in this world will do you more harm than living around radioactive material. Second on that list is being a pick me. For any group of people.

That face girls make when they realize being a feminist doesn't mean being a girls girl to me and I am NOT. *YouRe NoT a GirLs giRl* babygirl yes obviously. What I look like playing with you just because we have similar anatomy lol. I am a me girl. I'm loyal to my goals and my paycheck. I'm not a ride or die I'm a ride and the second this stops being good for me Imma kick you out of the car lol. My loyalty is to my goals and paycheck. I put the self in selfish.

Nice girls finish last. Pick me's don't even finish at all. They lose the game at the starting point. They lose even before participating in the game. We alll know how it goes down for girls that cater to the patriarchy and misogyny in the hopes that they will be spared and protected from it (hehe). Let's talk being a pick me for the girls. The other day I told you to stop being a pick me to your *roots* because your own people will turn on you for clout, like Jlo did with the Bronx and remember what India did to Priyanka Chopra when she was trying so hard to be liked by them and accepted and then she moved to Hollywood and decided fuck all that and now she's *ouR bRown QuEeN rEpResEntiNg Us So cLasSy*. See how they didn't try that crap with Aishwarya Rai? See how they don't do that with Lupita Nyongo but see how they drag Tyla? She's trying to stay true to her roots and her roots are going on talk shows to call her an industry plant. Pick Me ism never works. When you leave, leave. They already hate you for leaving you won't win them back. And being a pick me for the girls is not different at all.

This girl I know is really inspirational. She made it out of the ghetto on her own, and not like me that got some scholarship and naturally just grew into it- clawed her way out of the mud. Beaten things that would probably kill me. I look up to this lady like I'd look up to a god if I believed in one. She's everything you'd want in a business woman. Class. Beauty. Sophistication. The bank, all hers. The problem with her, is growing up without female support and therefore craving female validation to the point of sabotaging her own self. Pickmeism for the girls. So if she wants to do something but the girls don't approve she won't. I've been shopping with her once and she was eyeing this set of lingerie that she OBVIOUSLY wanted but acted like she didn't and I know it's because her girls wouldn't approve. So the tea is this guy in this other group is obviously head over heels for her. She's obviously into him. They make a great match. Even a blind person can see this was orchestrated by God himself. He asks her out. They go out. A set of annoyingly perfect people. Annoyingly. Gorgeous, classy, successful, aligned. She is gashing about him . He is gashing about her. Mentally I'm preparing for the wedding because obviously it will happen. A few weeks later one of his friends want to know what he did to upset her because she blew him off. Huh. I'm baffled and obviously I'll ask.

One of her friends want him.

😂

I'll say that again. One of her girls is into this man so she can't break *girl code*

😂🚮.

Im like please be serious right now. You are a twenty seven year old woman I need you to act like it. The man on your dreams was dropped on your doorstep wrapped in glittery pink ribbons and came out with your name the only thing he can say and you're blowing it off because one your your friends want him?? 😂. Girl that's what they call a high value man pls all of us want him be for real right now 😂. Every single man that will be worth you we will all want pls 😂. You are the kind of woman that can only rightfully get with a man every other woman wants are you blind 😂. Girl he's a six foot unit of a simp with daddy's money and patek fillipe and had you in Ralph Lauren on your first date and Greek godliness and THAT IS YOUR TYPE . Be serious right now and call that man 🙏 😂 and have us in yachts next summer are you joking. Like if you don't call him I will. Your type is the most desirable type on earth every man you want we will want what are you on about 😭. Every man that ends up with you is immediately high value because being with you makes them high value we will want them too what 😭. What kind of fuckery is this call that man rn and get your dream family.

She can't. She's a girls girl 🚮. I'm like okay so will you marry the least desirable gay man on earth or? Because every man has some girl into him will you just drop them? If he hurt you I will be the first to make you leave. If he even sleeps and dreams that he has a dream where he is dreaming that he's dreaming of hurting one cell in your body I will personally excavate you from his space. He is not. He worships you. I have heard this man talk about you. I have seen the way he treats you. I have seen how much you like him. You have similar goals and similar values. You are who we pray to be. You are our vision board do you not get this.

She won't. She won't hurt her girl.

Well our brother in Christ is- like I said- annoyingly desirable so after asking and asking and trying to get with her he gets- get this- with one of her girls. Not even the one that *wanted him* lol. A rich girl heir that knows to play this hypergamy game and obviously people go where they were wanted- last night they got *engaged*. They are not friend groups that I'm really immersed in so I don't really care. My girl calls me crying because she was *betrayed* 😂. I hang up after she gets three sentences in because what fuckery is this? Oh no you swam and now there's water on your skin. If it isn't the consequences of my own actions. For some reason I always expect the people that have had the hardest lives to understand human nature the best and be the most street smart and I hate how often I get disappointed. As a business woman do you really not know your loss is someone's gain. Be for fucking real with me right now. You got played by some girl in the game that YOU chose to engage in and now you're shocked? It's a game someone has to win and you fumbled your chances, go home. So anyway *her girls* created a WhatsApp group to plan the wedding and didn't include her because she overreacted to the news and she should be happy for her bestie because she's a girls girl 😂. Not very girls girl of her to feel betrayed 😔✋.

The feminine is the most apex of predators. At some point you have to realize yes men are bad but women are just plain malicious. At some point you have to realize and accept that human beings are animals and females have a higher chance of survival despite being the weaker sex. Like one of these days you need to learn to connect the dots please. Getting played by a man I can accept it's a completely different game and just by existence we are two different types of players but ma please. Pleaseeee. Being played by men hurts because innately the playing field is not level but female to female I will be laughing at you, what's your excuse 😂.

The reason women like Hailey Bieber will always win in this happiness thing and Selena Gomez will always lose is the level of pickmeism. WhO iS tHe BiLLiOnAiRe who had a disease highly linked to stress. Who is always depressed. Who seems more pathetic. Who has the stronger name. Who, pray I ask, is always yapping about being in pain. EXACTLY. The end of Taylor Swift's pickmeism marked the beginning of Taylor Swift as a powerhouse and marked her *I'm the Music Industry* era. And she has never been a pick me for men has she? Naomi Campbell and Tyra Banks have never tried to be relatable so they go down queens of the runway how is that going for Kendall? Gigi Hadid is also a nepo baby but does she try to act relatable? Which one gets dragged more?

One of these days you have to understand being a pick me for women is still being a pick me and only works when you're an underdog. Once you make it they will tear you apart because women are more competitive than men are and naturally are worse predators than men ever will even dream of being. Men love each other , remember that one trend where they were being asked if they would rather snitch on their homeboys or cheat on their literal wives and they chose cheating on their wives? Because men needed to be in herds to hunt. Women can survive solo they don't rely on community that much so we can tear each other apart with zero to low consequences to ourselves. If men were non communal and selfish they would've been wiped out by the other predators, women will win a literal lion over by being motherly we literally don't need anybody to survive so we can tear each other apart with no consequences. Women are vicious, please. Seriously vicious, have you seen your MOTHER. The woman that BIRTHED you. How she treats you. Your own mother that you are not in competition with. If there's no random girl hating on you it's because you're ugly it's really that easy. You're ugly and you're not worth competing against so they can score humanity points by being kind to you. Bad bitches have opps. When you don't know who hates you and you're a bad bitch look out, they're snaking under the covers. You do it too it's not like you're holy. A woman's only competition is other women. Not men. We don't compete with men it's useless. We are our only worthy opponents so we tear each other apart for sport. Do you not know what an apex predator means?? Like , how long have you been alive? Is this your first interaction with other women?? The reason movements like feminism and 4B and the rest don't really take off en masse is women destroy each other for fun. Men do it for survival we do it for sport. That is why we have to biologically be nurturing, so we don't completely wipe out this species.

Wtf is a girls girl. Yes girls support girls between a girl and a man I don't care who is right I'm always on the girls side, but woman to woman pls. Woman to man? Idc right or wrong she is right he's wrong women are always right men are always wrong this is the law everyone that thinks otherwise should get shot in the head. Woman to woman though? No. I know you, because I know me. And I pick me always.

[ebonysplendor]

Bruh review the new version of TKaTB bruh because WOWIEEEEEEEEE

I've found that I don't usually do whole reviews on the updated versions of the visual novels I've already written about...but I find it dope that this implies that you lowkey want my unhinged, scatterbrained story telling. Also, big preesh for keeping me straight lol, because, once again, I've been meaning to get around to playing the update, and I just haven't, which is extremely disrespectful. But anyways! I'm yappin' way too early...

TL;DR: HE HIT IT FROM THE BACK. I REPEAT. HE HIT IT FROM THE BACK! ... technically ... we need to have a serious discussion about this thing called "consent", though...

Game Link: https://fantasia-kittcat.itch.io/the-kid-at-the-back-demo

Notable Features: Yandere LI, Custom Pronouns, Self-Insert (first and last name), Two LIs, 1+ Hour Long Demo Spiciness: 2/5 or 8/5 -- Again, it depends on which version you get. If you get the regular degular free version, it'll be more innocent with some flirtiness here and there. If you pay for the NSFW version -- HIGHLY SUGGESTED by the way! -- it'll be way more sinful and the way that the Gods intended it to be. LI Red Flags: 4/5 or 7/5-- Breaking-and-entering, possessive, drugged us, lack of consent, but that "lack of consent" goes even farther in the NSFW version (yes, even farther than in the previous demo) ... but I still can fix him, ya know? Like, that's bae

Wanna know more? If you are not 18+, ABSOLUTELY NOT. You will NOT put this fantastic game in jeopardy, because you're some curious 14-year-old. I honestly don't even want you on my page...but let's be real, are you actually going to listen to me? I hope that you do...ANYWAYS. My 18+ crew, let's get into it!

Almost an entire month with no visual novel review? Nah, we absolutely cannot let that happen.

You know what else we can't let happen? My constant disrespect towards this visual novel. Once AGAIN, the dev(s) ate and left absolutely no crumbs. Like, damn, can you at least leave the plate? Like-- Okay, wait, no, stop. I don't want to get too far into that, because the yap sesh will get kicked off way too early, and I won't have anything for the actual review portion.

That being said, I have done a review of TKATB before, but I'm doing an update of...well, the update. That also being said, because I'm trying to avoid parroting myself too much, the review is going to flow differently. ALSO! Once again, thanks to the bestie, I was able to see the degeneracy LIVE AND IN 4K and biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch~! Let me tell-- Wait, no, no, no, stop. Not yet. Later. We'll talk about that later...at least sorta.

Anyways, like always, I'll def try to make this as spoiler friendly as possible, especially since it's lowkey a different game at this point. Like, the dev(s) have added in extra SCENES. We have new CGs! Like...we've got CONTENT in this update, y'all!

Okay, for realsies now. Enough yappin'. Let's get into it, and y'all...there's a lot to get into.

So, effin' BOOM.

...Actually. Let's do this another way, because we already lowkey know the story. Again, if you don't, I made a review of it a few months back that will get you somewhat caught up. This time around, though, let's just talk and vibe. Enjoy some snacks or whatever, ya know?

Go ahead and pick; there's plenty. I've got me, like, three capri suns and some donut holes. Like, I'm really tryna get into this game convo with y'all because we're squad, ya know? So, let's get comfy while gettin' into it.

All right, so -- *big siiiiiiiiiiip* -- my husband Solivan Brugmansia, right? Let's discuss. Not about him being my husband or not, the game. Respectfully, check yourself. Anyways.

My Gods. that is bae right there. Like, gah damn...

For starters -- even though, I can totally fix him, and I want to make that very clear! My baby ain't do nothing entirely wrong! Like just- just give him to me. He is just a lil' traumatized and misunderstood; he is very capable of change. Like, I can fix him! I can! -- it's only fair to remind you that he is, uh, kind've batshit crazy. Now, the wild part is that I for realsies forgot that he is not entirely sane. Like, not even kidding about that.

This experience has been a sort of "Let me seep you into the madness" versus a "Let's make him insane off rip", and because it was like that, when he started doing typical yandere shit, there were -- specifically -- two different times that I experienced genuine shock. It was literally like, "Oh yeeeeeeah. This is a visual novel with a yandere love interest. Solivan's the yandere. He's not wrapped too tight. Ah, yes, I forgot about that factoid", ya know? The shit genuinely caught me off guard.

Anyways, still can't trust the orange juice, 10 is the magic number, and don't kiss Crowe...like ever lmao. You can dismiss the fuck out of that man, but he's lowkey a simp like Sol is, so as soon as you kiss him lmao...

Just remember that it's implied that Sol is, and has always been, keeping a close eye on you. Actually, let me back up a little. Let's talk more abo-- Oh, wait, do you need a refill? Okay, hold on for a second. Wait, are you good on snackies? You know what? I'll just grab everything, just in case.

...

Okay, now, let's talk more about the orange juice.

Never --

-- and I mean NEVER, trust the orange juice.

There was a moment that we got with Sol, and it was like, "...Aw :)", and then, he was like, "I made orange juice~!", and it was like, "...Aw :(". Like, lmaooooo, I thought we were past that, ya know? Like, I obviously like you! I have you at a 10! Why are you resorting to nonphysical violence? I mean, he got physical in other ways, but it wasn't violent, ya know what I'm sayin'~?

Now, the "10" thing that I keep bringing up.

This competition between them is more intense than I thought, bro, and Sol does not cope with failure well. You know how people will be like, "a win is a win"? Well, with Sol --

-- a loss is a loss, even if it's just by one point.

Remember that whole "Don't kiss Crowe" thing? I genuinely mean that. As tempting as it may be -- and believe me, it's tempting especially because...Crowe can really make a girl feel really, really... wanted, ya know?🫦... ANYWAYS -- DO NOT kiss that man, because that's the game point. Now, who's the actual winner in that scenario.... 👀🧃*dramatic siiiiiiiiiip*. I ain't gon' say it...but I'm just sayin' lmao.

Even though, I really ain't shit because...I willingly cheated on Sol with Crowe. WAIT. LET ME EXPLAIN WHY THOUGH.

This man, dear Gods, this man. I must stay focused... This man is the one that you SHOULD be dating. This is the one that all of your friends and your family really like and approve of. This is the healthy choice, but you don't choose him, because the one that you want is "dark and hot and tall and mysterious" and you're like, "but daddy, I love him!". Meanwhile, your friends are desperately trying to tell you about all the red flags with the other guy and are like "What is with you and toxic men?!". Then, when you defend your toxic crush, they shade you because they "should've saw it coming" when you had picked Sesshomaru and Sasuke over Inuyasha and Naruto.

...But, anyways, when I say that Crowe is Prince damned Charming? Babes... And then he let that hair loose????

Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabes~!

As a side note, lol I wasn't pulling those descriptions (completely) out of my ass; that was the literal intention.

See? "Dark and mysterious" vs "Princely".

Anyways, Crowe's rizz game is...surprisingly strong? Like, I honestly don't know why I was so shocked, but I was shocked. Like, a girl was genuinely flustered, because what do you mean that "you knew that we were going stargazing but you didn't know the brightest start was going to be right in front of you" and "anything for me"? Not to mention that this man was putting flowers in our hair and carRYING US TO OUR APARTMENT IN THE RAIN? BARELY GRUNTING WHILE DOING SO??? Like, sir, please, don't do this. I have a husband...but it's like, shit, I won't tell if you won't at this point.

That's pretty much all the new stuff -- well, that I was willing to partially spoil for you. There's other stuff, but you definitely gotta see that live and in 4K, and trust me, you're gonna want to.

Once again...THE FATTEST EFFING SHOUTOUT TO WHOEVER SENT THAT ANON MESSAGE AS THEY HAVE PUSHED ME TO STAND ON BUSINESS ONCE MORE.

It is even more beautiful than I remember, and thanks to the bestie, I was able to see my husband in all of his glory LIVE and in 4K. Okay, but I was degenerate throughout this whole post, so let's just put a pause on that and actually review the game properly.

This is still a work of the Gods, and I honestly love the tweaks and additions that were made. From Brittany's personality being tweaked so it reads more as "I swear, I'm not mean; I'm just really bad at talking to people" to Crowe's scenario being way more in depth to getting some more CGs of my husband Sol. The art style is still damned IMMACULATE to look at, and the plot is STILL plotting. Also...he's cute, but I lowkey don't trust Crowe, because why are you so perfect? The dev(s) is/are writing the EFF out of these characters. Like, honestly? Continue to pop off.

I definitely plan to buy my own copy, and I HIGHLY suggest that you do the same. It's honestly just the spicy scenes, so it's not like "Ooh, extra lore!" or anything, but they are honestly so deserving of that monetary support. Not to mention, the NSFW version is what the Gods would have wanted.

Even though, I'm wondering if we'll ever explicitly know Sol's (and definitely Crowe's and Hyugo's[/Geo's]) background. Now, admittedly and as far as I know, this is really the only piece of "lore" that you'll miss if you don't get the NSFW version, because I'm certain that I'm not the only one that's noticed it, but just in case you haven't (and I'm cutting the heck out of this CG because it's very spicy, but I need you guys to see what I'm talking about).

What's up with these bruises? Like, you see that right? But it's not in the other picture, so it's like...? What the eff happened? Like, the reason why I say that is because the second picture happened BEFORE the first picture, so something happened to him, but what? I know that it's implied by some of the things that Sol says and how he responds to stuff and some of his mannerisms that he came from a pretty shitty background, but what exactly and is it ongoing?

But, then again, it's like duh it's ongoing, because he said that "it's the usual" that he deals with...uh...certain situations. Check this out though; in that same breath, he was like "every bruise is worth it". Like...what? That's not-- That's not a normal or healthy thought let alone something you'd actual verbalize. Like, I'm telling you, the dev(s) is/are murdering this visual novel thing. No wonder it's so easy to forget that Sol is a literal walking red flag. I'm more focused on the plot than whether or not he's gonna drug my food.

Also, also, also, I just want to yap really briefly about my favorite CG... screen... UI thingy...that I can't show you. Not because it's a spicy one but because, even though you can probably read between the lines, it'd be, what I feel is, a major spoiler. Just as a slight "pro" tip. That little green heart at the top right of your screen that turns blue when you hover over it?

It leads to that screen with the scale that shows your affinity level for Sol and Crowe. Just...check in on that thing a lot; you may see something interesting. When you do see that interesting thing...please, think of me ಥ‿ಥ Because next to the way that the affinity level is shown altogether, it was my absolute favorite thing about the update. That was done so beautifully. ...Damn, I want to show you all so badly ._.

Anyways, I think my yap session should end here. I've already said it a handful on times, but what's one more time? I highly, highly, HIGHLY recommend this game. It's so good, the art is amazing, the plot is plotting, and so much work and love has gone into this game, and it's STILL only in its demo phase. I suggest donating $5 to have (permanent) access to the NSFW version and/or telling the dev(s), "Hey! Really love your game! I was just wondering if you take human sacrifices? Would that expedite the full release? Anyways! You're doing great, sweetie! <3"; aggressively supportive validation is really the only way to go, because they really are doing more than a damned good job. You should honestly see it for yourself. Here, I'll put the direct link for ya.

I'm yapping again. I'm ending it for realsies now. The biggest preesh for hanging out with me today and getting this far. PLEASE, remember to drink water, don't be dumb, and hope to see you around~!

The Kid at the Back (DEMO)

[the-pen-pot]

Have u ever thought about Arthur time travelling instead of Merlin?

Not one with just Arthur, no. Hiraeth almost entirely scratched my time travel itch. That said, I'm actually writing (slowly but enthusiastically) one called "What We Might Be where they both end up back at the start with all their memories intact. It's a huge amout of fun!

It's basically about how this time they work together and maybe find that golden age (and do it a lot sooner!) It's posting on my patreon very slowly right now, but you can read the first chapter here (warning for angst)

Here's the synopsis from my fic ideas page below the cut to spare you all!

I made this post on Tumblr and it did numbers (I was thinking 4 people would "hell yes" me, not 2000)

"Not me sitting here thinking about writing a fic where we start with Arthur dying in Merlin's arms after Camlaan and it's all tragedy and then the magic rises and they both end up back at that first day, in the marketplace, Merlin with "How long have you been training to be a prat, my lord?" dying on his lips as they stare at each other, fascinated, horrified, so fucking relieved because they both remember ALL of it and none of it's happened yet and this time they can maybe make it to a different, better ending.

And they can do it together."

BUT TO EXPAND

I want to explore how Arthur and Merlin would interact with each other having lived in one another's pockets for ten years, only to be sent right back to the beginning while retaining everything they are to each other. Merlin's magic newly revealed from the confession by the lakeside. The two of them standing there with every mistake in their future rather than their past and realising that maybe "two sides of the same coin" means "you need to work together, dumbass".

I want the two of them shocked by how young the other is. How different Camelot seems from what they're used to. How harsh Uther looks now that they know it can be different (though not as different as it should be, Arthur realises.) I want them correcting their mistakes (and each other's mistakes) and taking all that they know of each other and rebuilding their relationship (all their relationships, actually) on that honesty.

And the others don't remember. Morgana is still Morgana, still struggling but still hoping to be saved. Mordred's just a boy.  Lancelot never sacrificed himself and it's so clear in Arthur's eyes that Gwen loved them both but that she loved Lancelot first and best with all her heart.

The knights end up at Camelot earlier simply because Arthur and Merlin set out to find them earlier. 

("We need Gwaine." "Do we? Really?" "Yes, you great prat. Come on.")

And so much more.

[ktlurksforsomereason]

Obxanon is not reliable, they're just directing hate away from the Pates and onto Rudy+Elaine.

I'm gonna say this one time and then I gotta jump this ship. And before I get called a Rudy stan or wtfever, I'm trying to be as objective as possible. No one here is in the right. I just want people to think about the bigger picture.

Obxanon is not reliable, and the way they present the information is bias.

I'm not saying that there isn't truth to their story. I'm not saying that nothing happened behind the scenes. I don't believe the producers when they say they planned JJ's death from the beginning. I don't believe the fake PR that says there is no beef between Rudy and Madison. We know there is. We can see the tension between them in the show, and we can see it behind the scenes. There's proof that something is wrong. But we don't know WHAT and WHY.

What I am saying is that just because obxanon has some truth and some insight, it does not mean that everything they say is true. And the way they are presenting us this information paints everyone in a positive light except Rudy and Madison. That's bias.

Obxanon excuses the Pate's decision to kill JJ, saying they were "rightfully upset." That was their decision, not Rudy's. That death and the horrible way it was written is on them.

Obxanon also says Elaine was jealous, but doesn't tell us WHY. They say there was conflict between Elaine and the Pates, Elaine and Lilah, Elaine and Madison, but they don't tell us WHY. That leaves it open to speculation, it leaves people to fill in the blanks. Obxanon offers us zero insight into how Elaine felt, why she was upset, why there was conflict. It just paints Elaine as the problem and forces us to guess WHY.

Obxanon says Rudy decided to leave the show and suggests it had something to do with Elaine, but they don't actually tell us WHY. Again, leaves it open to speculation.

Everything obxanon is saying is BIAS. They do nothing to explain Rudy and Elaine's reasons for anything. I'm not saying they're good people and they made healthy choices, but obxanon is trying to imply that they are BAD people and they made HORRIBLE choices. That is bias.

They are HUMANS. They make choices for a reason. If there was actually conflict between Elaine and Madison for YEARS behind the scenes, there are REASONS for this conflict. And we don't know these reasons. Obxanon isn't tell us. Rudy and Elaine aren't telling us. Madison and Mariah aren't telling us. WE DON'T KNOW.

I just need people to really think about the information we're getting from obxanon and why they might be painting it like this. I think it's PR. I think it is distracting us from how angry we feel about the show, and is channeling that anger onto Rudy and Elaine. Who have never, NEVER spoken about this conflict and have never tried to justify anything. They're private people. They're easy targets for a PR campaign like this.

There is something seriously wrong with obxanon and the way they are giving us information. Netflix and the Pates know this fandom. They know how hateful they can be. Obxanon is just tapping into that and fuelling it away from the show and onto Rudy.

You need to remember where we started. Fans love Jiara because they love JJ. So many people love this show because they love JJ. That's obviously clear, look at the uproar over his death. You know why they love JJ? Because Rudy created him and made us love him. Rudy did that. Rudy gave us that.

We would not care about JJ or Jiara if Rudy didn't do the work that he did. And here everyone is, hating on him. Hoping his career fails. Hoping he breaks up with his partner.

That's gross.

I understand why people are mad. Season 4 was a shitshow. Terrible writing, ridiculous plot holes, character assassination, a loss of chemistry between the fan favourite couple. Finished off with a completely traumatizing and unsatisfying death of the favourite character. The show is irreparably damaged.

THAT IS NOT RUDY'S FAULT.

I'm not saying he didn't play a part in it, but it is not JUST on him. And alllllll of that anger is being directed at him in the form of bullying and hatred.

He's a person. People make mistakes. But they also make choices for themselves, and clearly he felt he needed to make this choice. We can't judge that unless we know the reason and WE DON'T.

I will not watch season 5 and that is the Pate's fault for completely losing the plot. For not understanding why so many fans loved this show.

I also need to leave this fandom because people are so hateful and NO ONE is thinking critically about the situation.

Please try to look at the bigger picture. Please try to understand that these people are human beings. We don't know them. We don't know what happened on that set. We don't know why anyone made the choices we did. So chill out?

Be upset about the show but don't be upset with the actors. They did their job and it's done. Leave them alone.

[chaifootsteps]

Chai I swear you have the patience of a saint with what people send you.

So I wanted to say, i got curious about some people mentioning something happening to Erica's fiancee. So I went to go look up who he was and I recognized him from so many dubs, I didn't know they were dating and engaged. Well, when I look up his name a YouTube video came up he made, so I watch it.

Wow, my heart broke. He smiles to the camera and tells everyone he has stage 4 cancer, but it's ok because his body is reacting well to the radiation and the tumors are shrinking and he has a stoma bag now. The entire time he keeps telling the camera he's okay and he'll be okay. But man, there was a part where he holds back tears, but he still smiles. And man, I felt tears come out of my eyes. He said that he was moving back home for treatment, but I think it was for end of life to spend time with his family.

He died a few weeks later. And wow, I felt so bad watching that video. I had went to go look at Erica's Instagram and she had posted some sad stuff at the time on her stories and man, I feel really bad for her. I know it's been a couple of years since his death, but that youtube video was filled with so many heart filled comments and I felt bad seeing it.

Sorry, i just wanted to share that with you since I'm not sure if you or anyone else knew the situation. That youtube video is so heart breaking and I feel really bad for Erica and I hope she'll be okay one day. Sometimes I look at her Instagram stories and I see her post some sad stuff and I do feel bad seeing it.

There's not much more devastating than a cancer YouTube update from someone who reassures everyone the treatment is working, but you're watching it knowing they're gone. I don't think you can go through what Erica went through and ever be completely, 100% okay, but I hope time makes it easier for her to live with.

[lizzie-queenofmeigas]

Warnings: Straight up incest in this chapter.

Kiara didn't trust Rafe. Not at all. He had always been a bully. The  kook. One who got everything he ever wanted. And he did. Didn't he? He got away with murdering a cop. Rafe Cameron had more privilege than the average white male, and that was already a lot.

Fucking patriarchy.

During her Kook Year he was charming and kind to her. He still sort of was at times. But even then she couldn't forget what he was. Sarah apparently did. Letting him get away with murder. And Kie got it. Alright? She did. He was her brother and they used to be very close. He was there for her when their mother died. She was loyal to him. But to this extent?

Then again, wouldn't Kie cover up for JJ, John B and Pope in similar situations? Hasn't she covered for them already when they were doing some illegal shit like stealing? And yeah, murder was worse than stealing, but Rafe was still someone Sarah loved. So maybe she could understand. And Ward deserved to go to prison more than Rafe did. Ward Cameron had killed three people in his search for the gold, he was an actual serial killer. And he had been sober while doing it, unlike Rafe.

"Are you sure of what you're doing?" she asked Sarah once they were on board of that immense cargo ship. They were given one of the rooms, even through it didn't take a full day to reach the Bahamas. Sarah and Rafe stayed in another. Which was kinda weird, but she had chosen to sleep with the boys rather than get a room for herself so she really couldn't judge "All of this is...I don't know, Sarah. It's all so weird. You siding with Rafe and literally covering up a crime—"

"Lower your voice" her friend hissed, anxiously looking around.

They were on the deck, watching as the ship moved in the dead of the night.

Kie looked around. There was no one but them there.

"Sorry"

"Yeah. I'm sure. And even if I wasn't, it's too late to turn back now"

Kiara knew that to be true. They have committed too many crimes already. All of them. They were all covering for Rafe, John B even lied before a judge. There was no going back now.

"Let's hope we don't regret this"

Sarah smiled softly, kindly, brown eyes crinkling.

"I don't think I will"

Kie huffed. Not her, but they might. Especially if Rafe fucked them over with the gold. Not that she thought that would happen, not with Sarah vouching for them, but it was always a possibility. 

"I'm gonna check on the boys" she told her "Make sure they haven't gotten into a fight with Rafe"

Sarah chuckled "Yeah, that could happen"

Kie went back to the heir room, being careful where she stepped due to the darkness. She couldn't afford to fall off the ship. She didn't want to fall off the ship. Both Sarah and her went inside, but their ways parted before Kie could reach her room. The boys were all there, thankfully. None were getting into a fight with Rafe.

"Kie, thank God! Help us here" John B exclaimed standing from the bed he chose "JJ just had a stupid idea"

"His kind of ideas" Pope murmured.

"Funny, Pope" JJ turned to her, jumping from the top of the bunk bed "Very funny. But you know I'm right. We should knock out Rafe and take the gold. Yucatan is right there, waiting for us"

Kie sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. Yeah, that was definitely a JJ idea. One of the worst he ever had. Which said a lot.

"We're not doing that"

"Why not?"

"Because it's a stupid idea?"

"And Rafe is crazy, he could kill us" 

Yeah, that too.

"Look, this is fair. We'll have the exact same amount of money we were going to have before" John B was being rational, which was weird because he normally was the second most chaotic "Let's not ruin this"

"Yeah. We are so close now. It's best to swallow our pride" 

"I agree with Pope" 

JJ rolled his eyes, running a hand through his blonde hair. Much that she loved him, she couldn't agree with his stupid ideas, or maybe because she loved him she couldn't encourage him in those things.

"Fine. What y'all want, but if shit goes the wrong way because of Rafe, don't say I didn't warn ya"

"Sarah won't let anything happen"

"And does Sarah have that much sway with Rafe?"

"She did get him to give us the gold rather than keep it"

"Exactly!" Kie's phone began to ring. It was her mom. She didn't think twice before turning it off "Let's get some sleep, the Bahamas are seven hours away, better to arrive well-rested"

JJ frowned at her, as if there was something he didn't understand. He didn't ask anything, and she didn't say anything either.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There was some money in the safe back in Tannyhill. Rafe made use of it to get the ship to take them to the Bahamas and transport the gold with discretion. The gold better be in that fucking safe. He thought twisting his signet ring nervously. If it wasn't, they were fuck. Him, Sarah and Wheezie. They would take his sisters from him, put them in the system. Rafe would fucking die if that happened. He couldn't allow it. He would end up killing more people. Because being sober was making him more irritable and with no money and no family he just might go to prison.

"Mr Cameron" the captain of the crew, he thought his name was Terry or something "There is enough water for you and your wife to take a shower"

Wife? Oh, right. Sarah.

"Thanks" he forced himself to be nice, but didn't correct him in his assumption "I'll tell her"

He handed the stout man some bills before going back to their room. Wife. He thought my sister was my wife. That didn't bother him, not at all. But he didn't get why Terry had assumed that. Did they really act that weird? Like, yeah, they were not normal siblings, especially him. And he could understand that maybe he didn't look at Sarah like he should. I definitely don't. But to think they were married was something else.

Not something bad. To him, at least. How would Sarah take it?

I don't need to tell her.

Yeah, it wasn't something important. No need to tell her. Back in their room, Sarah was scrolling through her phone, barefoot on the bed.

"Hey" he closed the door "There's water for us to take a shower if we want to"

"Cool" she smiled at him.

The light of the room made Sarah's hair look like melted gold, shiny and beautiful. Rafe extended his hand and caught a silky strand between his fingers. Sarah looked up to him, big brown eyes bearing a strange glint. She looked pretty like that.

So so pretty.

He cleared his throat, letting go of her hair and taking a step back. He shouldn't go there.

"I don't trust the pogues" he said trying to avoid thinking about what his mind was about to think "They want to keep all the gold"

"Well, a part is mine. Ours. So they better not"

Rafe tilted his head.

"What if they did?"

Sarah stopped for a moment, blinking as if trying to come up with an idea, then she shrugged.

"We'd go after them. No killing though" she smirked "I'm gonna hit the shower"

He watched her go to the small bathroom attached to their room, mouth quirked upwards. Then he remembered what he had to do. What he had promised Sarah he would do. Apologize. Just the thing he was worst at.

It wasn't really as hard as he thought it would be, going to the pogues room and knocking at the door. If he was lucky, he would be with Sarah in a moment.

"What are you doing here?" Kiara asked when she opened the door.

"Can I talk to Pope?"

Kiara looked at him in disbelief. Yeah, he couldn't believe it either.

"Why would you want to talk to me?"

He stepped inside the room, all four pogues up on their feet, but the beds were all unmade. They were sleeping, or trying to, but now they were all tense and alert. It was kinda flattering to be honest.

"I wanted to apologize for what I did" he twisted his signet ring "It was wrong. I'm sorry"

Pope and Kiara blinked at him dumfounded, meanwhile John B seemed to not believe a word and JJ was snarling at him. He didn't really care about those two.

"Rafe Cameron apologizing?" JJ snorted "Is the world ending?"

"Are you actually sorry?" Pope squinted his eyes at him, mistrustful.

Rafe couldn't blame him.

"Yeah. I am. You didn't deserve that, if anything I should have attacked JJ"

"Weird apology" Kiara murmured.

"Well, I did it because I was trying to prove a point I think, amongst other things. For putting a gun to Topper's head and all that"

"He was drowning me. That's the reason JJ pulled a gun on him" John B scoffed at him.

"How should I know? I wasn't there, and Topper didn't mention it"

"What are the other reasons?" Pope stepped closer.

"Huh?"

"The other reasons you attacked me"

He twisted the ring again, taking a deep breath.

"I was kinda...very high. And, I don't know, man, shit gets blurry at times. I guess I just wanted to hurt someone and I used every excuse to do it. Sometimes... sometimes I just need the violence"

He didn't miss the JJ looked down, as if he understood. As if he could relate. He didn't miss the way Kiara looked at the blond either.

"Okay"

His eyebrows raised involuntary.

"What?"

"You're willing to help us with the gold to prove you're better now, you're sober. I believe you"

Rafe let out a breath, smiling.

"Are you serious? Pope—"

The four pogues began to argue with one another, but he didn't really care. It was like a great weight was lifted of his shoulders. He was forgiven. Sarah would be so happy.

"I been thinking about the gold, actually. About how to use it legally" he told Sarah his plan already, and she approved. No that he needed her approval, but it was good to have it. "We say you found it in Tannyhill, because I don't think you found it without breaking some laws"

"Breaking and entering" JJ murmured.

"It wasn't very legal, no" Pope agreed.

Rafe didn't even blink, he had been expecting that. He was kinda curious as to where exactly did they find it 400 million in gold, but he didn't ask. Sarah could tell him all the details later.

"And that'll work?"

He shrugged.

"There's a hole in the basement of Tannyhill. It's been there for ages, we can always say the gold was there"

"How big is that hole?"

"Pretty big, Sarah still fits in there. We used to hide there when we played hide and seek"

Something crossed over Pope's face, he didn't want. Maybe he was just doing math. He was the smart one after all.

"How long it's been there?"

"Why does that matter?" JJ blinked confused.

"It could be the original hiding place of the gold. I don't think Denmark Tanny had it always where we found it"

"It was pretty unpractical" Kiara agreed.

He was kinda lost in the conversation, but answered either way. Doing better. Being better.

"According to my mother, it was already there when her father was a child" She used to tell her stories about her childhood, and her father's. She told him stories about so many things. He still missed her. Would he ever stop missing her? "Well... I'll go get some sleep"

Sarah was probably missing him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They were already in the Bahamas when she awoke. Sun shining through the small windows of the boat. She shook Rafe, trying to wake him up.

"What?" he asked groggily, eyes opening just a little.

Sarah smiled at the sight. Face pressed against the pillow, strands of dark hair over his half-closed eyes.

"We are in the Bahamas"

That seemed to wake him completely. Rafe sat straight, rubbing his eyes. He looked at her, eyes moving up and down her body.

"I'll get dressed"

Sarah nodded and left the room. The sun burn over her skin as she walked to the Pogues on the docks.

"How are we going to your house?" Asked Kie, watching the people in the docks, slash, bazaar "You have a car or..."

"Yeah"

"Good" JJ said, he had joint between his fingers "The sooner we get this over with, the better"

"Agreed" John B was still not looking at her.

She should probably care about that. She didn't.

"No smoking, JJ" Pope forcibly took the joint and stored it in his pocket "We need you lucid"

"It's not like it makes much of a difference" she commented jokingly.

"Exactly!" JJ extended his hand towards Pope "Give it back!"

Just when Pope was about to concede, Rafe appeared from the behind them fully dressed.

"What are you doing? We need you sober, all of you"

"Oh, come on!"

"You'll have it back once we're in Kildare"

JJ argue with them to have the joint back the whole car ride to their house in the Bahamas. It was just as they left it last winter. It was not as big as Tannyhill, but it had a good size. Good security too. The guard at the door didn't even ask about Ward, thankfully, even though he probably was dying for some information. Most people were.

"Holy shit" JJ whistled when they were inside "I'm buying a house like this one with my share. The parties will be legendary"

"Wow" Pope murmured in agreement "It would probably cost a few millions"

"1.5 million" Rafe corrected  "It's not that much" 

Sarah shook her head as the four pogues stared at her brother like he just said something unbelievable. Maybe he had, though she agreed with him. Tannyhill was way more expensive than that.

"Let's go get the gold"

"Yeah, but you four stay here" her brother ordered as he started climbing up the stairs.

"Why?"

"I don't want you to learn how to open the safe" he shrugged.

"Right. Or you want to keep the gold all to yourself" she had not realized before that JJ had a cut on his lips.

"Why would you I bring you here then?"

"To kill us" Pope supplied, looking slightly alert.

"Calm down, guys" Sarah followed her brother upstairs "I'll go with him"

"And you are trustworthy?" John B asked, bitterness lacing his tone.

"I trust her"

They started arguing again, about whether she was trustworthy or not. Sarah shared a look with her brother before they entered the office. The safe was kept in Ward's former office, just like in Tannyhill. It was a tall, rectangular, iron box. Almost as tall as Rafe. 

Sarah's heart was beating wildly in her chest. She smiled at her brother, reassuringly, as he worked to open the safe.

"Jackpot" he whispered when the door opened.

It was blinding, the sight of all the gold bars placed neatly inside the safe. So much gold. Sarah screeched happily.

"Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!" she couldn't help but jump around the room.

"Holy shit!" her brother laughed.

It was a laugh of joy, of relief. It meant that he could breathe again, that they were saved. Without a warning, Rafe held her in his arms and spun her around. Sarah giggled happily, feeling a little dizzy, and a little sad, when he put her down. They stared at each other, panting and smiling, euphoric. And then Rafe leaned forward and pressed his lips to hers. 

Oh.

He held her in place, his hand on the back of her neck, for a few seconds. So many seconds. So little time. She didn't mind.  Then he let her go, and she stumbled backwards, wide-eyed and confused. Heat rose to her cheeks. She couldn't talk. She couldn't—

What just happened?

"Guys!" Kie's voice boomed around the corridor and she appeared through the door, her eyes landing on the gold "Oh, my God. It's here! All of it. Yes!"

The rest of the Pogues heard their exclamations and joined them with their owns. All happy, all celebrating. Rafe avoided her gaze, but she didn't stop searching for it. Searching for answers. She got none.

[brummiereader]

@mischievouslittlecreature Asher 🥰. He's such a good boy!

That four legged fur baby was such a joy to read about when he took note of his mum as she internally battered herself 😩.

Lucy watched Tommy where he was perched on the arm of a couch and talking to Lizzie, feeling her heart squeeze painfully, quickly looking away. Urghh I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! It was ok in canon because there was no one else. But in this story, which honestly feels more realistic than the canon series 😍, I couldn't stand the image of this. It's just heartbreaking. I get increasingly pissed of at Tommy when he even talks to Lizzie lol. I know it's just a messy situation, and not really his fault, but it hurts me to see Lucy this way. I'm waiting for the day he experiences the same feelings of insecurities, jealousy and heartbreak as she does right now, Lilly! You gotta give us a jealous, moody Tommy to compensate for the the torment you're putting our dear Lucy through 😂.

She sat up a little when the room quieted so that Tommy and Arthur could each make toasts. At Tommy’s comment of being in a happier place, paired with a quick glance towards Lizzie, she swallowed painfully. Oof no, fuck that 😩! Arthur should never make speeches, look what happens when he does 😭.

I'm glad Lizzie is making an effort, and I thought it quite sweet how she approached them with a deck of cards to play a game. But her attitude always has me on edge as much as it has Lucy on edge. I feel like she could completely change her tune at any minute and start making her passive aggressive remarks again. Hmmm, I hope they both stay on their toes with her, and I REALLY hope, Tommy doesn't begin to underestimate her pettiness.

No, treacle, I didn’t know they took ya. If I did, I…” his eyes moved to the bandages that poked out from under the hem of her shirt. “That wouldn’t have happened. Ahhh I love how he talks to her 😩❤️. Which only makes this scene even more upsetting for Lucy. Although I don't know much about their relationship, it's clear that their genuine friends that care deeply about the other. But the famous line from the Godfather "it's not personal, it's just business" feels appropriate in this scene.

“We have to go back for the fucking dog.” Tommy heaved. - “We should take the dog,” Lucy spoke at the same time. They shared a look, then a small nod of agreement, and turned around to gather up Cyril’s lead and wrangle him with them towards the car. I love that you added this part, because this is exactly what I imagined happened. I would bet money on Tommy just coming to a stop with a huffy "fuck", knowing he's gotta go and get the dog 😂. Just one more animal to their growing zoo 🤭!

They’d both been drinking more. And his stash of opium for the pipe that they sometimes shared, usually enough to last nearly half the year, was already almost depleted. Most nights one or both of them woke up screaming. Ahh, loving the shared despair! And how they both were mutually going through the horrors, spiralling down together. It feels very intune to their whole relationship and their codependency. When one falls, the other rapidly falls after them. Even though it was a powerful scene to read, i think it was the fact that little Charlie saw his parents in this way that ultimately had them stop. They love that boy so much, enough to force themselves out of the pits.

The smut scene was so beautifully written. I'm honestly relieved they've been able to get back to that point where she feels comfortable enough to be intimate with him. They're both so passionate, so obsessed with the other that It would almost feel unnatural to not read about them in this way.

“Lucy, do you remember when you asked me if I’d ever thought about entering politics?” ahh shit, here we go 🤦🏼‍♀️😂. This line reminded of the scene with Freddie and Ada when she says about the moment his balls are empty it's back to politics 😅. Freddie and Tommy are more alike than they'll ever admit! But the problem with this line means...a tonne load more of problems are coming there way. One of the biggest, Tommy's marriage to Lizzie 😬.

Amazing chapter, hun! Can't wait to catch up on the latest one you posted as soon as possible 😍.

Part 21: The Shadow of the Abattoir

Fandom: Peaky Blinders

Pairing: Tommy Shelby x OC

Summary: The vendetta may be over, but peace is still but a distant dream for both of them. 

Word Count: 5,769

Notes: Warnings for depictions of trauma, chronic pain, insecurity, smut, and references to torture and pregnancy.

Previous Chapter • Series • Fic • Next Chapter

Chapter 28: Scarlet Fog

She sat huddled in a corner, watching the celebrations occurring around her as distantly as if she was looking in through the window. She supposed, in a way, that she might as well have been. No one had really paid her any attention throughout the entire gathering.

They were all assembled in one of the big sitting rooms in Arrow House, drinking and chatting and laughing. Lucy watched Tommy where he was perched on the arm of a couch and talking to Lizzie, feeling her heart squeeze painfully, quickly looking away. 

She would have to get used to that: seeing them together. Side by side as their own little unit while she was pushed aside.  

At least Tommy finally seemed happy again.

How horrible did it make her, that she found herself half longing for the time when it had just been her, him, and Charlie?

Of course she did not want Tommy to be miserable. Of course she did not want him and his family to be estranged. Things were better this way, of course they were. She could take it; feeling like she was an outsider encroaching where she was not wanted. Like she was not as valued. Not loved. She’d done it before, prior to the schism between him and the rest of the Shelbys. She could do it again. 

At her feet, as if sensing her thoughts, Asher whined, raising his head. She gave him a tiny smile, reaching out to scratch him behind the ear. His tail thumped against the rug, looking up at her as if to say, I still love you, Mommy.

He’d been glued to her side since they came home, protective on account of her still healing injuries. She was grateful for his presence and companionship. Being alone had gotten a lot harder than it had been previously. 

She supposed she would have to get used to it just being her and the animals for stretches of time. Moments spent alone with Tommy would get even rarer after Lizzie’s baby arrived. Lucy couldn’t help but wonder if she would see much of him at all. 

She sat up a little when the room quieted so that Tommy and Arthur could each make toasts. At Tommy’s comment of being in a happier place, paired with a quick glance towards Lizzie, she swallowed painfully, trying hard not to read too much into the look, and failing miserably. 

Surely it had to be coming soon. The inevitable. When Tommy sat her down and gently told her to pack her things. That he could no longer be with her. Because he loved someone else. And that someone else had demanded he chose between them. And of course he was going to choose the one he was already having a baby with. Who was loved by his family. Who wasn’t broken beyond repair. Who he could actually have a chance at a happy future with. 

As if sensing her thoughts, Asher nudged at her knee with his nose, trying to draw her attention away from the ache in her heart. With stilted movements, she reached down to stroke his soft black fur. 

Next was Arthur’s toast. A dreaded look crossed Tommy’s face at his brother’s insistence that he take a holiday. The expression only deepened when Arthur raised his glass to peace. Lucy wondered if Tommy was thinking the exact same thing that she was: there would be no peace for them. Not now; not ever. Not with the things that lived eternally inside their heads. 

Once the toasts were done, everyone began slowly making their way towards the doors leading into the dining room. Lucy made no move to follow them, just shrinking tighter in on herself in her little corner whenever someone wandered past her. 

“Lucy?”

At the sound of Tommy’s voice, closer to her than she’d expected–she had figured he’d just head straight into the dining room with Lizzie–she looked up. Those blue eyes of his were fixed on her questioningly, shuffling a little closer to her while everyone else drew further away towards the other room. Tommy cocked his head. 

“Are you coming?”

Drawing in a shaky breath, she shook her head. Fingers still carding mindlessly through Asher’s fur, trying to focus on the soft pelt to keep herself grounded. “I’m not hungry.”

Tommy sank down into the vacant spot next to her on the couch. “Are you in pain?”

“No. I’m just tired.” Only half the truth. Her cuts and shoulders were starting to ache a little.

He frowned, one hand moving to rest on the cushions behind her back. “You’ve barely eaten since we got back, sweetheart.” When she didn’t say anything, he scooted closer to her. “You need to eat.”

“I’m fine.” Eager to change the topic, she swirled the remainder of whiskey in her glass before downing it, mind fishing for something else to talk about. “What did Lizzie have to say?”

“Nothing all that interesting. Just some things about a few renovations that she wants to make to her house.” She could feel Tommy’s worried eyes still fixed intently on her. 

“This’ll be the first holiday you’ve taken in awhile. What do you think you’ll do?”

“I don’t know.”

Her gaze drew back to Lizzie where she was standing by the doorway, smiling and chatting animatedly with Polly. She’d been nicer to her since the kidnapping, but Lucy couldn’t help but feel a constant level of tension when around her, waiting at any moment for her to have said or done the wrong thing that would cause Lizzie to snap at her. “You should use it to spend time with her. Could even move into her house for a little while.” She looked down at her empty glass, in desperate need of a refill. “Be there for all the big moments in the pregnancy and everything.”

“And leave you here all alone?” Tommy asked. The worry she’d sensed in his gaze had leaked into his voice.

“I’d survive.” A lie, she was pretty sure, but he didn’t need to be burdened with that. 

“You’re still healing.”

“I’m not an invalid.”

“I know, but…I don’t want to leave you by yourself. If I have to take a bloody holiday, I’d rather spend it with you.”

Sighing, she kept her gaze glued to the floor until Tommy’s hand forced her head up, his icy blue eyes boring into hers, trying to read her mind. 

“I am not leaving you alone.”

“But you should–”

“Fuck what I should do!” His throat flexed, eyes darting towards the doorway to make sure no one had heard him. Drawing in a deep breath to steady himself, he looked at her, jaw set in that stubborn way she knew meant she’d have better luck picking up an entire mountain than getting him to change his mind. “I’m not leaving your side. End of discussion.”

Shaky sigh leaving her lips, Lucy nodded defeatedly. The back of Tommy’s hand stroked over her cheek. The rest of the family had wandered out the doorway, leaving them alone. 

“Please come to dinner.”

“No one wants me there anyway–”

“I do.”

For some reason, that made her feel like she was about to cry, leaning closer to his side unconsciously. When his fingers ran delicately through her hair, she closed her eyes. “Promise me you aren’t just saying that because you feel sorry for me.”

His fingers tightened a fraction where they’d come to rest on her shoulder. “I promise.” He turned her face to look at him. “I swear it on my mother’s grave. I want you with me always. Eh? Every second of every day.”

She closed her eyes, leaning into him, letting the words soothe her and abate the raging insecurities inside her. Even if only for a moment. 

“Come on,” his lips moved against the top of her head as he kissed her forehead. “Please don’t make me face them all alone.” His chin shifted against her head, cheek laying against her hair. She huffed out a tired, breathless laugh against his chest. 

“Alright. Since you asked so nicely.” 

He took hold of both her hands with a small smile, helping her to her feet and entwining their fingers as they began to follow the route that the rest of the family had taken out of the sitting room and into the dining area. Asher padded along beside them, his ears twitching every once in a while as he remained watchful and protective in demeanor. 

Tommy helped her into her seat next to him at the table, his ankle hooking around hers, the toe of his shoe every once in a while rubbing up and down along her shin whenever she started to get anxious.

Once the meal was over and everyone retired into the drawing room, she wound up seated on a couch with Tommy’s arm around her, her head resting lazily on his shoulder, trying not to doze off despite how tired she was. Lizzie eventually approached them timidly with a deck of cards, shyly proposing that they all play, and soon enough they had a lively game going amongst themselves and several family members. 

For a little while, she thought that things might actually get better. 

∗ ∗ ∗

Lucy quietly lamented the fact that she’d probably be picking little granules out of her socks on the drive back home as her boots sank into the sand. Overheard a seagull squawked, riding the cool wind that rushed over the beach. Waves roiled and crashed against the shore, lapping across the sand until they almost kissed the toe of her shoes. The sand where they were standing was damp, hardened over with moisture more so than the soft, dry mounds they’d had to traverse to approach the figure already standing on the otherwise abandoned beach when they arrived.

He was just looking out over the expanse of the waves, a huge bullmastiff seated next to him, his lead clutched in Alfie’s hand.

Lucy stared at her friend, confliction weighing heavily inside her. Despite everything, she still considered Alfie an important figure in her life. He’d helped to save her, a long, long time ago. And his position as an ally to the gang had brought with it significant advantages. But perhaps most importantly, she liked him. He was fun, and deep down she really did believe that he cared for her and Tommy. 

Just not enough to stop him from betraying them when the price was right. 

“Alfie, did you know that they took me?” she asked, voice hoarse. The salty wind whipped at strands of her hair, leaving them to dance around her face. Alfie, who until that moment had hardly turned his head to look at them, finally glanced over at her. 

“No, treacle, I didn’t know they took ya. If I did, I…” his eyes moved to the bandages that poked out from under the hem of her shirt. “That wouldn’t have happened.” He said, looking at her regretfully before turning back to stare at the rolling waves. Lucy swallowed painfully at the truth in his voice, a little of the weight lifting from her shoulders at knowing that her friend had, at the very least, not been involved in the horrors that had been enacted upon her. 

He and Tommy talked for a while more. Well, Alfie talked, Tommy mostly just listened, and then Tommy pulled out his gun from inside his coat. Lucy turned away, face contracting, unable to watch. 

The pieces fell into place at Alfie's revelation of his cancer diagnosis. So he’d wanted them to kill him, then. Or maybe he was just saying it so they wouldn’t feel so bad after it was done.   

She was still angled away from Alfie when he turned sharply on Tommy with his own gun, so she had no warning when a bullet suddenly skimmed across Tommy’s side. Tommy pulled the trigger of his own weapon on instinct, and a sizable chunk of Alfie’s face was blown off. Both men collapsed backwards onto the sand. 

“Tommy!” Lucy lurched towards him, ignoring the way that the sudden movement pulled on her stitches. Her knees hit the sand, trousers growing damp from the moisture as she knelt at Tommy’s side, hands hovering over his torso. He groaned softly, legs kicking in the sand, damp granules sticking to the side he’d fallen on. 

“I’m alright,” he mumbled, hand going to his side. Blood stained his palm when he drew it away. “I’m alright, it just grazed me.”

Lucy glanced over her shoulder at where Alfie laid on his back, unmoving. Cyril was whining softly in distress, nosing at Alfie’s face. 

“I think he’s dead,” she said softly, not wanting to go over and actually check. Tommy swiped a hand down his face, gripping her hand to let her help pull him from the ground. She eyed his side worriedly. “Are you sure you’re alright?”

He drew his coat in tighter around himself, suddenly looking very small and fragile. “I’m fine,” but his voice was anything but, rough and rasping in his throat. He took one look at Alfie’s body and cringed away, arms squeezing tighter around himself. Lucy watched as his head bowed, sorrow etching onto his features. For a second she thought that he was going to cry. “Come on.” With a jerk of his head, he gestured for them to head back towards where they’d parked the car. 

Shuffling to follow him, she curled close to his side, the pair of them beginning to slow trek off of the beach. The lump in her throat kept building every time she looked back at the figure splayed out in the sand. A few sniffles left her, and she hastily wiped her nose on her sleeve.  

“He fired to force you to shoot him,” she noted quietly as they walked. With how close they’d been, there was no way that Alfie would have missed his shot like that if he’d actually wanted to cause Tommy legitimate harm. 

“Yes.”

She tightened her arms around his bicep, cheek squishing against the soft material of his coat as she sought refuge from the chilly air against him.  

They got about halfway down the beach before they both stopped at the same time. 

“We have to go back for the fucking dog.” Tommy heaved. 

“We should take the dog,” Lucy spoke at the same time. They shared a look, then a small nod of agreement, and turned around to gather up Cyril’s lead and wrangle him with them towards the car.  

∗ ∗ ∗

Three months passed. 

Lucy healed slowly, the scabs of her injuries scarring over into rough, pale bumps on her otherwise smooth skin.

Tommy knew that she was horribly self conscious of them. Really, he was pretty sure that she thought them far worse than they actually were. She was still beautiful to him, even if the sight of the criss-crossed marks all over her back triggered sorrow and guilt to wash over him at the reminder of the pain she’d gone through.  

Slowly, she was able to do more. The stitches were removed and the bandages came off. Her shoulders were still giving her trouble, but according to the doctor, that would always be the case. He tried his best to help her, giving her massages and bringing her ice packs on the days that the pain was particularly bad. Applying salves that Polly sent over to help relax and soothe the muscles. By all accounts, she was considered healed. At least physically. 

And yet she was worrying him. Hell, he was worrying him. 

Golf. Fishing. Both were things he’d heard that other men liked to do on holiday, but he only got to the sixth hole at the golf course before throwing his club across the green field, not out of frustration, but from sheer boredom. The entire game was so…useless. Lucy had raised her eyebrows at him from where she was leaning against the little green plaque that displayed the hole number. 

“You know you’re supposed to hit the ball with the club, right?” she’d asked. Tommy shook his head, yanking out a few notes to pass to the caddy carrying his clubs. 

“We’re going home,” he mumbled, draping his arm around her as they started the walk to the car. “This is ridiculous.”

Fishing hadn’t fared much better. They’d been sitting by the bank, Lucy leaning into his side, eyes staring numbly out at the pond. For a second, the world was quiet and peaceful. 

But the silence only made things worse. There was no sound to drown out the noises in his head. The horses and gunshots; the screams of men dying around him. 

An explosion suddenly boomed around them, and he dove to the ground, taking Lucy with him as he sent them both crashing half into the pond in an attempt to use the bank as a source of cover against enemy fire. One of his hands curled over his head while his body pressed hers to the ground, attempting to shield her from the perceived danger. It wasn’t until more sounds–gunshots, not explosions like he’d originally thought–and the barking of hounds, erupted nearby that he realized it was simply a hunting party passing by, and not the war returned with the intention of swallowing him whole. 

“Tommy?” Lucy asked, voice quiet. She had grabbed onto the front of his shirt in surprise, her eyes wide. 

“Shit.” He leaned off of her, water sloshing around his legs, damp grass and dirt clinging to his arms where he’d rolled his sleeves up to his elbows. “Sorry.” He couldn’t quite meet her gaze, embarrassment burning its way across his cheeks.

“It’s okay.” She made no move to pull away, despite now standing nearly up to her waist in water thanks to him. Her head cocked a little when he flinched at another echoing crack of gunfire from the hunters. But she didn’t say anything, just reached out to flatten her palm on his chest. “Sweetheart?”

He finally snapped his head around to look at her. Fear suddenly seized at him as he processed how he’d practically grabbed and thrown her into the pond with him. “Fuck, did I hurt you?”

“What? No,” she shook her head. “I mean…my socks are wet now, but other than that, I’m fine.”

He’d helped her up out of the water, and quickly gathered together the fishing gear so they could head home. The fish weren’t biting anyway, and he didn’t want her sitting around in wet socks and trousers and catching a cold.  

They arrived home to find dinner ready for them at the table after they’d changed into dry clothes. Not that either of them touched most of it.  

Lucy had gotten almost as bad as him about eating. Where she once almost always cleaned her plate, she now often left it three fourths of the way full before pushing it away. And that was on the days that he was able to convince her to eat at all. Her body weight had dive bombed. She was even smaller than usual; so skinny it scared him a little. 

He could feel Frances watching them worriedly from the doorway, hands clasped together, lips set in a firm frown that only deepened when they both rose from the table and went into the drawing room to finish off their evening with two large bottles of whiskey and gin shared between them. 

They’d both been drinking more. And his stash of opium for the pipe that they sometimes shared, usually enough to last nearly half the year, was already almost depleted. Most nights one or both of them woke up screaming. He’d lost count of how many times he’d cradled her in his arms, rocking her gently against his chest, stroking her hair until she finally calmed enough to fall back into a fitful slumber. 

She’d draw him into bed to make love, only to push him away a few moments later, sobbing and burying her face in her hands. The phone would ring, but they never answered it. Even during the middle of the day, they kept the curtains drawn, the lights dimmed. Everything was easier in the dark.

They drank, and cried, and held each other, and drank some more. The cycle repeating over and over. He knew that they were both spiraling downwards into a deep dark well. But he did not know how to pull them out of it. 

Ultimately, it was not really him who gave the push for something to be done about things. It was Charlie. 

He was sprawled out on the floor, so drunk he was almost going cross eyed. Glass, from the objects he’d knocked to the floor during his tumble, had sliced into his palms, blood running in thin rivers down his hands. Lucy was kneeling beside him, reaching out to try to get a look at where he’d cut himself. Despite her movements being as uncoordinated as his thanks to her equally drunken state. Her makeup was a smudged mess around her eyes, black smears trailing down her cheeks from when she’d been crying earlier. 

The door creaked open, and Charlie peeked his little head in, and their eyes met. A look, not of sorrow or confusion, but complete, all encompassing disappointment crossed his little boy’s features as he took in the image sprawled out before him. Tommy swore that there was a hint of contempt in there as well.

“Charlie,” he choked out, trying–and failing–to scramble to his feet. Lucy’s head snapped around to fix on the boy, who was quickly ushered out by one of the maids. The door closed between them with a sharp, final click. 

Tommy managed to finally heave himself to his feat, injured arms crossed around his middle. Shame, hot and violent, bowled into him, and he folded at the waist, face collapsing in on itself as tears rushed into his eyes and began to stream down his cheeks. 

Never, never had he wanted Charlie to see them like this. But now he had, and that was something that would never be able to be undone. 

“Tommy,” Lucy pulled him into her arms, letting him bury himself in her chest while he mentally collapsed almost entirely on himself. Her fingers petted at the nape of his neck and down his back, trying to soothe him as he sobbed and sobbed and sobbed against her. 

The next day, he called Polly.  

∗ ∗ ∗

Lucy retreated to bed when Polly came over in the evening, mumbling something about being tired. Tommy didn’t try to stop her. She still felt so fragile, he was worried that if Polly took any of her usual swipes at her, it would cause her to only crumble further in on herself. So he’d just sent her off with a gentle kiss and a promise that he’d join her as soon as he could, watching to make sure that Asher followed her as she climbed the stairs.  

“Lizzie wants to see you,” Polly informed him not long after they sat down. Tommy’s stomach roiled with nausea, quickly looking away. 

“No.”

“Tom, she’s showing,” Polly tried again, but that just made the sick feeling in his stomach surge. The mental image of Lizzie’s belly protruding as his baby grew inside her elicited nothing in him but dread. The idea of having another child was completely overwhelming, and he was often struck with constant worry at how it would affect Lucy once the baby finally came and he would have no choice but to spend more time with Lizzie.  

He’d spent an awful lot of energy these past few months actively not thinking about Lizzie and the baby that would arrive in but a few short months' time. But Lucy…he had a feeling that Lucy spent far too much time thinking about them. She’d said some things, whispered mumbles while she was drunk, that made little sense to him. Things about how he should leave her. That she was bringing him nothing but unhappiness. How he could be happy with Lizzie if he just gave her a chance. He didn’t know if she was aware of the things she was saying, or if she even remembered uttering them after she’d sobered up. No matter how much he tried to soothe or contradict her statements, she always circled back to them. It was like an infection that was not actually getting cured, the symptoms only battered back for a little while by his reassurances before flaring up once again. He did not know how to entirely eradicate the insecurities brewing inside her.

“I don’t want to see Lizzie, Pol.” He looked down, ashamed at the words despite their truthfulness. He felt her looking him over, examining his reaction carefully. Ultimately realizing that now was not a good time to push the subject any further. 

“How’s Lucy?”

That got him to look up, brow lifting. “Since when do you care?”

Polly shifted awkwardly in her seat, it being her turn to look away. Tommy frowned, the almost apologetic look on Polly’s face uncharacteristic, especially when it came to anything involving Lucy. 

“Pol?”

 “Aberama says that I’ve been too hard on her,” Polly sighed. Tommy blinked, too stunned to speak for a moment. 

“You been talking with Aberama a lot lately?” he finally asked. Polly shrugged, squirming in place, clearly uncomfortable, looking for a way to dodge the question.

“How is she?” 

He wetted his lips, fingers twitching around his cigarette. “Not good.”

“Francis said that she isn’t eating.”

“I can count her ribs with my hands when I hold her.” He mumbled, glancing at the drawn curtains that hide the outside world from view. 

“After what Luca did to her, I can’t say that I’m surprised that she’s broken down. Took you right down along with her.”

He bristled. “It’s not her fault–”

“That’s not what I mean,” Polly shook her head. “What I mean is that, if she hadn’t fallen into the dark abyss, she would have been able to keep you from spiraling as well. Like she has before. You’re right. It’s not her fault. It was just shit timing, is all.”

“I don’t know how to pull her out of it, Pol.”

Polly fiddled with her fingers. “I think it’s time you both came back to work. Rattling around idly in here is clearly helping no one. Having something to focus your minds on will help.”

He nodded slowly, heaving out a breath. Polly stayed to talk for a little while longer, offering a few more sage words of advice before gathering up her things and leaving. After she was gone, Tommy spent a long stretch of time sitting and staring at nothing, the cogs in his head starting to slowly spin. 

Jamming his cigarette into the ashtray, he stood, making his way to the stairs and towards the bedroom that he shared with Lucy. 

She was already curled up under the covers, on her side with her hands pressed flat onto the pillow and her cheek resting atop them. Asher was laying in his dog bed in the corner, his big head on his paws, eyes watching them worriedly. Sitting down on the edge of the bed, Tommy reached out a hand to rub across Lucy’s forearm. Her eyes opened slowly, head cocking against the pillows.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” he moved his hand to stroke her face.

“How did it go?”

“Fine. She thinks we ought to go back to work.”

“Mm,” Lucy sat up slightly. “Probably not the worst idea.” 

“Mhm,” he moved his hand to play with her fingers, tracing the places where she’d picked a layer of skin away while nervously fidgeting. The nervous habit had thankfully mostly ceased since they’d gotten her a replacement set of rings for the ones Luca had taken from her. It was not until Tommy had first noticed the little scabs on her fingers that he realized the importance of her having something physical to busy her hands with. Otherwise she started picking at herself.

“You’re scaring me, love,” he said, doing his best to keep his tone gentle and non-accusatory. And yet still Lucy’s lower lip started to tremble, tears filling her eyes. 

“I know,” she whispered. “I know; I’m sorry. I…” her chest rose and fell deeply with her breaths. “I don’t know how to make it stop.”

“Don’t apologize. It’s not your fault,” his fingers curled loosely around her wrist. “We’ve both fallen apart these past few months.” He looked at her regretfully. “I’ve done a shit job at taking care of you.”

Lucy frowned, sitting up fully, reaching out to cup the side of his face. “That’s not true. You’ve kept me alive.”

“I think that’s the very definition of the bare minimum, love.”

She shook her head. “With where my mind has been at sometimes, Tommy, it’s no small thing that you’ve managed.”

He let her words sink in, both hands raising to take her face between his palms. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

She gave him a weak, not wholly convinced smile, and he kissed her insistently. 

“I mean it. I love you.” Forehead laying on hers, he breathed in the scent of rose perfume that lingered on her skin. “We’ll get through this.”

“I love you too,” she whispered, angling her head up to kiss him again. Tommy trailed his hands carefully down her body, skimming them along the curves of her breasts, lowering to loosely hold her waist.

They’d had sex since the doctor deemed her fully healed. But he still felt the need to handle her as gently as possible; too worried about accidentally hurting her. The first time, he’d spent over an hour worshiping her body, placing kisses to each and every one of her scars, taking his time to make it clear that he still found her as heart-stopping beautiful as he did the first day that he saw her.  

He took the same care now, delicately undoing the ties on her nightgown and sliding it off of her shoulders, lips pressing into her soft skin, following the raised lines of her scars. A groan left his throat when her fingertips sank into his hair, massaging his scalp when he dropped his head to take one of her nipples into his mouth.

That grip on his hair only tightened deliciously as he advanced lower, laying her down on the bed and spreading her legs so that he could lay between them, nosing at her cunt, breathing in her delectable scent before leaning forward to swipe his tongue across her clit. 

Her sounds were so pretty as he ate her out, the hand in his hair helping to steer him to where she needed him most. Watching her through his lashes, Tommy had to stifle a smirk at the way her head fell back against the pillows when he sank a finger into her, crooking it so he was rubbing right up against the spot that made her moans go up a pitch. 

When she came on his mouth, he grabbed greedily at her thighs, lips parting in an attempt to drink her all in, begging for everything she had to offer him. 

“Fuck, come here,” she half pleaded when he raised up on his arms above her, reaching out to drag him closer, slotting their mouths together with her release still clinging to his lips. Her hands pulled at his clothes, his own moving eagerly to help her to remove them, covering her body with his once he was bare. 

“Ready?” he asked, hand wrapping loosely around his engorged cock, giving himself a few pumps before lining up. 

“Yes. Yes,” she chanted, arms winding around his neck. He entered her slowly, watching her face carefully for any sign of discomfort while he pushed forward. The warm embrace of her cunt remained to be like nothing else he’d ever experienced before, her walls hugging around him, so tight and perfect there was to be no doubt that they’d been made for each other. 

The combined sounds of their pleasure echoed throughout the room as they started to move. Lucy’s head tipped forward, burying in his neck, her soft lips brushing against the sensitive skin. His eyes rolled in his head everytime she squeezed around him, and he slipped an arm under her to rest between her shoulder blades while he rocked into her steadily. He kept his thrusts at an even, gentle pace, taking care to go slow with her. She knew that she could stop him at any time if she needed, and no matter how lost he may have been in his own pleasure, he always took care to be mindful of her reactions to his movements, on alert for any indications of pain, discomfort, or fear. 

“Tommy–” her nails scratched at his shoulder, not enough to break the skin, but just enough to sting. His hissed at the contact, the idea of being marked by her sending a thrill through him that had his cock twitching inside her. 

“Just like that,” she whispered when his tip brushed against her g-spot. “Just like that; don’t stop.”

He grunted deeply, doing as instructed, feeling a surge in his balls as his own release drew nearer. Slotting a hand between them, he started to work on her clit again, rubbing it in small circles carefully timed with his deep thrusts. Her walls squeezed around him, even tighter than before, and he had to grit his teeth and focus hard to keep from coming prematurely.

With a cry and a tightening of her legs around his waist, Lucy came, a hand at the back of his head guiding him in for another kiss while she squeezed and gushed around his sensitive cock. Tommy moaned into her mouth, following her right over the cliff, stilling as he came deeply into her. His mouth continued to work, kissing her slowly and sensually as they rode out their climaxes and steadily started to come down.        

After, when they were laying together in the dark, Lucy in his arms with her head on his chest and her fingers tracing the lines of the tattoo of her name that he had emblazoned on his forearm, he began to tell her of the new plan that had started to take shape within his mind. 

“Lucy, do you remember when you asked me if I’d ever thought about entering politics?”

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Thank you for reading! Please consider leaving a comment, reblog, or like. I always appreciate feedback and love getting the opportunity to interact with you and hear your thoughts!

[butterflieswhisper]

tori sitting on the stairs is so. the lighting in heartstopper is awesome big fan of the blue/orange. is tori also depressed in the show i still think it would be so fucking funny to offhandedly mention her school burning down

[thedreadvampy]

it's been a strange arc so far

when I was 19-21 and having an extremely imbalanced relationship with someone in their mid 30s I was like 'we are both adults so the fact that this is fucking me up is my fault'

when I hit my late 20s and saw how young people in their late teens and early 20s seem now I was like 'oh wait I was so fucking young I didn't know shit about my own limits or about managing relationships and I don't know why someone in their mid to late 30s would be into that except for nefarious purposes'

the weird bit is now I'm into my 30s - not even that far into my 30s - and while I still wholeheartedly believe that last thing about how young (and self destructive) 20 year olds are, I'm also kind of like 'huh, actually nobody I know that age has their shit remotely together and frankly the reason this fucked me up is because NEITHER of us knew what the fuck we were doing it how to cope, for different reasons and at different life stages, and there probably wasn't any malice or intent to control as much as there was Blind Flailing.'

[running-in-the-dark]

my husband has a bank appointment tomorrow (scary) and I'm so stressed out & anxious about it that I had to take my emergency anxiety medication. it's fine, I've only taken it once in the last, idk, 4 month or so , and I needed it rn. need to sleep. that wouldn't happen otherwise. so now I'm listening to Thursday Murder Club and hoping it'll work quickly

[sorthgos]

It's interesting to know that it was special for you. The way the whole scene is so good and flows so naturally between father and son, especially knowing how Daniel is. And yes, that grunt was funny and very relatable, it was also a very Kenji thing to do! Glad it stayed in the show. Small scene, but a very good one.

I'm not going to lie, in the episode "The Drop", I wondered how the two of them had enough nerve to just keep pushing and trying to push each other away without hitting each other, until I remembered that yes, it's because it's a children's show lol. What you said is an interesting curiosity, I told my siblings what you said and they laughed a little. It would be the most natural thing for Darius and Kenji to do in that situation.

But I liked the end result because it sounded a lot like a fight between brothers where one didn't want to hurt the other.

"Batten Down the Hatches" was, without a doubt, one of the best and favorite episodes! I congratulate everyone who worked on it, because it was so good! Not much to say, it's one of the best!

I read your post about it and I can't imagine how amazing it must have been! Would the Nick from the past believe it happened?

About Sayona Santos in the show... Can I say that I loved all of it? As a fan, I can say for everyone that you guys did an amazing job with the character! The dynamic between her and Brooklynn is so good and you can REALLY feel that she poses a real threat to B and the campers, cat-and-mouse is a perfect fit for it!

I cannot say much about the "limp difference" because I saw this scene dubbed, so I didn't get it completely, but you just gave a great insight into Brooklynn, I didn't notice that!

I don't know if this reblog is a good place to ask a question, but I noticed that a lot of sad and tragic situations for Kenji happened at a sunset (breaking up with Brooklynn, seeing his own father die in front of his eyes, seeing B choose to get on the plane with Sayona). I feel like this will happen again (it may sound bad, but I hope it does lol), so is there a symbolic meaning behind it or was it just a coincidence?

The entire crew of this show did an amazing job these two seasons, some of the best JW content in years! Thanks, Nick. Your answers put a lot into perspective and are very curious (in a good way). I hope it wasn't confusing or boring for you or other jurassic fans to read, I'm not good using tumblr 🐢

Hello, Nick! Can you share with us some of your favorite scenes into the writing process of Jurassic World: Chaos Theory? Or even some scenes that didn't end up on the show but you liked it?

Gosh, we wrote these so long ago it's so hard to come up with specifics. For the episodes I wrote, I loved writing the scenes in "Halfway Home" between Daniel and Kenji. I have a relationship in my own life that mirrors (to a certain extent) theirs, so to be able to put all of myself into that episode -- my first as a staff writer on a TV series -- was very special for me. It really allowed me to completely open myself up to working with other writers to intimately. I also get a giggle out of the part where Kenji doesn't have the words to describe Daniel's ultimatum, so he just grunts -- I didn't know if it would make anyone else laugh, but it seemed to, so it stayed! That was pretty fun.

"The Drop" was a bit tougher for me, as it was a pretty pivotal moment between Darius and Kenji. In their scene where they struggle over possession of Brooklynn's phone, I really wanted Darius to rear back to take a swing at Kenji, but for some reason, in a show where people are eaten by dinosaurs, throwing punches (or even implying it) was a no-go, but what ended up in there was still really fun and to the spirit of what I was trying to do.

"Batten Down the Hatches" was sooooo much fun to write as a horror and action fan -- I feel like the team really took what I wrote and ran with it in the best possible way! Seeing that one at SDCC with a group of like 800 fans was something I will never forget. People laughed, gasped, shouted at the screen -- it was just such a cool moment for me.

But getting to introduce Soyona Santos was also such a special thing for me. As I've said in the past, getting to write for Dichen Lachman was such a fanboy moment for me, I'm so glad I got to reintroduce her to the world and help usher in a more three dimensional version of the character than there was time for in Dominion. I love the cat-and-mouse vibe of their conversation. There's also the bit that I'm not sure many picked up on where Santos is the one who uses the term, "limb difference" for the first time in the series. Our consultants had taught me that phrase, and I thought it was an interesting choice for Santos to introduce it to Brooklynn. The thinking was somewhere along the lines of, in her quest to get deeper into the trafficking of dinos, she probably didn't have a ton of time to look into how she was really feeling about losing her arm, let alone find anyone else who'd introduce that phrase to her. So when Santos uses it, there's a split second where Brooklynn kinda connects with it. I think it shows that Santos isn't just a mustache-twirly type of villain. She's intelligent, she's hip to how language has evolved, and she might even be a good person in another life. There was a moment where it was called into question whether or not Santos would use the phrase, so I'm especially glad we got to keep it in there.

And don't even get me started on the episodes my amazing colleagues wrote for the rest of the series. They all did such an incredible job, I don't even have enough words to express how awesome their episodes turned out, not to mention how awesome all of the rest of the crew did in bringing the show to life!!

[icewindandboringhorror]

Apparently I can meet my goal of roughly 400,000 words in 6 months if I just somehow write at least 2,200 words a day ghbjh... Almost 2,500 today... huzzah...

[buttercupshands]

I just managed to get off mha hyperfixation

And now it's happening again... Oh no

Helps with upcoming MHUI LoV event tho, it was a long time since last one happened I wonder what would happen in a new filler story part

Basically this and couple of pages of mid-final arc chapters + recent episode and next one being The Dabi episode was just too much not to get excited again

But! Important thing - I need to reread the last arc before I make anything new, if possible without finishing it to the 419 chapter and everything after, it took 2 months to really recover from the damage that chapter did

Anyway am I ready for the new event? Kinda! Do I have enough gems to get new Tomura? No! I'm not sure he'll even show up this time, because other ones were and still are really stubborn

Also Steampunk recruit took like 120 pulls in a step-up recruit and in the usual one combined

Not the best time to get LoV involved, it's cruel even

Also that one part of the page I added at the beginning was so interesting to look at and them I joked about 236 being similar. The only good thing with final arc being over is that I can say that Izuku didn't draw the parallel of seeing everyone hurt and seeing Tenko react on Mon's death

Understandable why, but it's funny to just look at them and be like, "wow Horikoshi traumatized them both"

[bnhaobservation]

@rhythmic-idealist said:

I’m gonna do my best to come back to this! A short response: the Iida family didn’t need Stain killed. Rather, Tenya needed saving, in that his villainous actions were also going to get him killed. Tenya is deemed worthy of saving, by the narrative, regardless of the fact that he was making horrible rage-fueled decisions. So that’s what I’m getting at when I say Tenya needed saving- he very much was going to die if Izuku hadn’t shown up in that alley. I am still trying to process why he was saved when Tenko and Himiko (and mostly Touya) weren’t, because BEFORE we knew the ending, the hero killer arc felt like a tone setter- you either have to condemn Tenya Iida to deserving to die, or believe Tenko and Himiko and Touya deserve to live. Final half-response before I formulate proper thoughts for later (sorry): one of my main BNHA ending thoughts involves how I sort of expected it to be pointing out and handling privilege and the “way things are” in order to suggest ways to actually upend that imbalance in privilege. Analysis I do of the ending often revolves around…. this seems like a story about privilege happening in the way that privilege happens, so WHAT was it for? And it has a lot of shortcomings in that regard I think. It’s just important to me to let you know rn that this post doesn’t contain my full reaction to the ending, which is a lot of sadness, confusion, and disappointment. Okay now I’ve gotten that out of my system. Apologies, real response incoming, I was just struggling to sit on that

Ops, sorry, I misunderstood you on the whole Iida family needed saving.

Now... maybe I'm totally off track but I like to think there was a time in which Horikoshi considered saving Tomura, Himiko and Touya.

We've various arcs that offer understanding, we've Shouto who understands that Rei burned his face merely because his father made her life impossible and don't blame and wants to save her, we've the Stain arc in which while it's made clear iida wanted to do the wrong thing, he's given plenty of sympathy for hos his rage twisted his thoughts, we've how Shouto and Bakugou during the remedial courses were told to connect their hearts with the kids, we had Gentle Criminal, we've Nagant, we've the story implying killing Twice was a mistake, we had Uraraka claiming she wanted to save people because she couldn't save Nighteye and so on.

Maybe Horikoshi wasn't sure if he wanted to kill them and left open both options.

On the other side... saving all the aforementioned people is narratively 'easy'. Rei was punished by spending 10 years in a hospital for a scar she caused in a moment of misplaced panic, Iida had bad intentions but ultimately he saved Native and didn't kill Stain, Gentle Criminal never did something too serious, Nagant was jailed and helped defeating AFO and Tomura, placing her life on the line.

The story is basically saving people who did light crimes or was already punished. It's hard there would be controversy in this, while there would be controversy if the story were to save people who had murdered multiple people, there could be controversy, especially since they don't show regret nor have time for redemption.

So many tales prefer to end things tragically by killing them off.

It's not really something new, "Saint Seiya" (1985-1990) wasn't shy to murder many antagonists who did less and were even regretful for it.

Said this doesn't mean that I agree with the choice of murdering them, I think Horikoshi with them went on the 'easy' route' which killing them off offers. Which okay, it's a possibility but I was hoping for more.

Honestly I though Midoriya and the others would become the greatest Hero because he would manage to save them. I'll summarize because it's not so simple but, fundamentally, he instead became the greatest Hero because he killed the greatest big bad (AFO) which doesn't make him any different fromt he Heroes that preceded him, like Son Goku from "Dragon Ball" (1984-95) or Kenshirō from "Hokuto no Ken" (1983-88), which would have probably be fine if the story didn't seem to imply he would do more than what they did.

And yes, he inspired people which indirectly made society better but... maybe it's just me but I wasn't impressed. I get Horikoshi tried hard to deliver this, I just wasn't won over.

I probably won't manage to reply to you for a while as tomorrow I'll get hospitalized, so my apologies for my future silence.

When I'll come back home I'll get back at you!

One problem with the society of BNHA is that being “someone in need of saving” is an undesirable category to be in.

“People who need saving” is a category of people. It’s hypothetically a valued one, since heroes save those people.

However: there’s no glory in needing to be saved.

There’s glory in SAVING, but we value the people who do the SAVING, not who need to be saved.

One thing that REALLY felt off to me in the final chapter was how that granny talks to Joki Joki Boy. She talks about herself, about who she can be. If I was in his shoes I would itch under this. Under someone explaining how they can be so charitable to people like me.

I was trying to think about what Izuku could possibly have “showed the world.” I still don’t quite have my answer.

But weirdly I do know what wasn’t shown to the world when the cameras on Ochako and Himiko cut off.

They didn’t see a villain being a hero. They didn’t see a hero needing saving.

The lines between the three societal categories - hero, villain, and people who need saving/protecting - blurred. And the camera missed it.