#I just had a breakdown like two days ago for other reasons so why am about to break again

[insanechayne]

~ ~ ~

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for omitting to a friend that I know more about her life than she thinks I know?

So, I (17F) am friends with a group of nice people in my class. Were're not like, really close friends, at least I am not emotionally very close to them as I am to my bestfriend but anyway. There was a couple in this group, a girl we're gonna call Princess and a boy we're gonna call Emo. I am friends with both of them, and they always seemed like a "couple goals" to other people. One day, Emo called me privately via text message telling they have broken up. I thought it was a prank, but no. He was so angry and I really noticed he wanted somebody to listen to him. Anyways, he spilled some hot tea about their relationship I didn't knew about. He said that she cheated on him a while ago and he forgave her after, but said the reason of this fight is because of some other reason. I'm not gonna tell the whole story, but I tought they were kinda both asses: he tought she was too promiscuous, and she seemed very emotional manipulative from the stories he told me. I was honest then: told him which parte they he was right and the parts I thought he was being an ass. Anways, something I noticed about princess is that she never told anyone about the end of their relationship. She and Emo were more distant in school and no one seemed to notice, but I did. Because I already knew. But here's the thing: I didn't told her I knew what was going on with her, because I wanted to wait her time. I wanted her to feel ready enough to open this up without feeling pressured. Some time passed, Emo was having a mental breakdown wanting her back, she didn't wanted him (which I don't blame her) and I gave him some emotional support via text so Emo wouldn't turn suicidal too. I was feeling bad for him actually, never saw that boy have such a heart to heart vent with me. And he really trusted me, he said I was a very kind person and should never change. Some time passed and Princess texted me out of the blue saying she wanted to talk. I was already suspicious about what would be. She finally told me she and Emo have broken up. Well, I wanted to be honest, so I didn't wanted to fake surprise. I said I already knew and I could feel she was very confused. I said Emo told me but that I never brought up the topic woth her because I was waiting her time, I wanted her to feel ready by herself. She gladly understood this part and where I was coming from. But she asked if Emo said anything more than just "hey, me and princess broken up" and I will admit, I panicked a bit. Honestly, I don't think it's my fault that I know everything about the cheating and their last fight: boy wanted somebody to talk and spilled everything from his heart, as a friend I listened to him. But as a friend I don't think I can expose his conversations with me to Princess because that would be gossip, so that's why I gave her this answer: "No, he just said you two broke up. Nothing more. I still don't know if I did the right thing. Part of me feels like she would feel horrible to know that I know all the things that happened to them (I mean, she didn't say to me those parts for a reason, right?) and I something I take very seriously in friendships is privacy and loyalty. I don't think is right to tell her about Emo's conversation with me, as much as I never told Emo about any chat I had with princess. They're both my friends, I have commitment to both of them.

But part of me feels like a straight up bitch about lying. I remember I went to sleep that night with my heart hammering in my chest. My mom says I am a good friend to both of them. But my best friend said she would give a different and 100% honest answer to princess if she was in my place.

Help me.

[surfinminho]

Tell me

Genre: Suggestive(?), angst

Warnings: Chan is readers ex, gn!reader, fwb

Word count: 780

_________________________________________

"you want water?" He asked. You hummed in reply staring up at the ceiling.

You always liked pillow talk. Specifically with Chan. It was always different, funny or quiet a. It interchanges every time.

You aren't supposed to be here though. No where near him.

He dumped you 2 years ago over text. Yea he knows that was a bitchy move. He deserved all the hatred you can give to him.

Regardless, as soon as he sends you a birthday text it was hard to deny you still had feelings for him. 

You didn't mean for it to happen. One thing led to another and you guys ended up naked in your bed.He fucked you the same way he always did. Till' you guys broke it off of course.You do miss him and the sex. Maybe not the way he would constantly ignore you, going days if Not weeks not uttering a single word to you.

He wasnt a great boyfriend but you couldn't help but like him more than you ever did.

It's pathetic really. All your friends tried to get you to stop liking him. Even set you up with other guys! But nothing worked, you wanted Chris back.

So when you end up in his bed for the nth time. You wonder. Wondered if this whole "friends with benefits" thing is even going to work out.

Staring at the ceiling, you let out a rough sigh with worries him.

"What's up?" Voice laced with sleep, even though he's not getting any.

"Chan, be honest with me. Can you do that?" You sit up slightly to face him in his eyes.

You see him nod before continuing.

"Why did you break up with me." you were genuinely curious. Even with the amount of small petty fights you guys would have, your love was never lost. People even referred to you guys as soulmates. Its like you guys were meant to be.

To randomly break it off, hurt and confused you.

"I.." he trails off like he's trying to make up an excuse. An excuse to not hurt your feelings.

"Making up excuses. Nothings changed has it." You scoff turning around.

"There is no excuses, '__'. I loved you I did it's just-" you cut him off before he could finish his stupid confession.

"Reject me."

"What?"

"I said reject me. I need you to reject me so I can move on with my life." You turned to the nightstand to check the time.

"1:36 A.M" you weren't supposed to be here. Lying next to him in his bed. Naked, With the feeling of unreciprocated love deep in your chest.

" __ , I can't say I don't like you, I love you. But I just can't date you." He grabs your hand and entangles it with his own.

You felt your heart drop. You wanted to be with him for ever. For eternity even. You still loved him, even after two years.

"I broke up with you, because of you. For you. I can't stay with you without feeling any guilt. I hardly saw you, we would go weeks without talking for fucks sake." He paused to take a slight breather. Not wanting to get mad over something so little.

"I can't say this enough, I love you."

"You do?"

"I do love you"

"This isn't what love is Chris." you didn't want to cry. Cry over a conversation you started. Unfortunately, Crying was inevitable.

"We can't be together, I don't want to hurt you" he tried to reason.

"You don't get to make that decision. You aren't hurting me. I still need you." By this point, you were ready to breakdown in his arms. You had to stay strong, not to let your emotions take over this stupid thing you want to call a conversation.

"I was a bad boyfriend. You deserve someone who can be there for you, always talking to you, keeping you company when it's late at night. I am not that guy. Believe me baby I want to be with you. It wouldn't work out." Was he crying? He didn't know. He didn't know what he felt. All of it was just mush.

"You are that person. You are, please." You were begging at this point. Begging for someone to see themselves like you see them.

You swing a leg over his lap to get closer to him.

"For us, please." Your voice was barely above a whisper.

He doesn't say anything. Instead he looks you in your eyes, grabbing your chin before kissing you.

His hands slipped around your waist, pulling you impossibly closer. You felt him press his lips deeper into yours before pulling away.

"We can try."

[fyodcrs]

Day ?: I’m still thinking about chapter 108.

I was supposed to post this a week ago, oops.

A lot of people, after chapter 108 dropped, appeared to assume that the “revelation” about Fyodor in this chapter was just a ruse, as Fyodor claims it to be. Personally, I don’t think it’s that simple, and I wanted to talk a little about it.

I should note that this isn’t really a theory or an analysis, just my initial impressions. And I guess we’ll find out pretty soon if I was close to the mark or not. Next chapter? Too much to hope?

I think that this was real:

But everything from this point was fake, or at least was Fyodor acting:

If it is true that Fyodor - the real Fyodor - has been controlled by his Ability this entire time, his breakdown after Sigma showed him the note was a moment when his real self, his real consciousness, took over. The sudden change in him is profound and shocking. His eyes look so different, and we know that eyes are important in BSD.

Then we get the POV break, however, and when we return Fyodor starts giving us some "explanation”...and then this happens:

The moment we return to Fyodor and Sigma after the second POV break, I think Fyodor had been “taken over” again and was acting. But I don’t think he was acting from the beginning, nor do I think that everything he said even when he was “acting” was necessarily false.  

There are a couple of reasons for this. First, it’s too out-there a reveal for me to believe it was a complete swerve. It really came out of absolutely nowhere, and then it’s all just lies? I don’t know, I find that hard to swallow.

Then there’s the matter of the note. If it was Fyodor that wrote it - why? Just for this silly ruse? Sure, he certainly could have predicted the entire course of events that led up to Sigma confronting him with a gun and laid the trap, that’s just what he does, but even for Fyodor that seems a bit much. Was it not Fyodor that wrote it, then? But who else would have written a note in Russian that says “help me”? Nikolai? What for? That seems like it’d be very out of character for him.

There’s also what Fyodor says after his breakdown. “What year is it?” What kind of question is that to ask if you’re pretending to be under the control of your Ability? Wouldn’t something like “Where am I?” or “Who are you?” be more fitting? Considering that Fyodor’s age and the nature of his Ability has been kept a secret for so long, this line really sticks out to me as important.

Not to mention, there was this in the previous chapter:

I don’t think it’s insignificant that Sigma is the one to say this, the one to bring this question up for the first time, rather than Dazai or Nikolai. Sigma is himself a character that could be considered not fully human. He was created from the Book, which itself is suggested to have been created by an Ability. Sigma’s origin, too, then, is tied directly to Abilities. It makes a certain amount of sense for him to be the one to realize that there’s something off about Fyodor, or at least for him to be the first one to confront Fyodor about it.

We know from 55 Minutes and Dead Apple that Abilities can take on a life of their own and even subsume the personalities of the original bearer. In 55 Minutes, Jules Verne’s Ability absorbs his personality and lives on; in Dead Apple, Shibusawa’s Ability lives on after his death, with no memory of his death and no knowledge that it is an Ability. Some Abilities, like Mori’s, naturally are manifest as separate personalities, though Mori has control over Elise.

Speaking of Dead Apple, there’s this famous scene:

“Even in the midst of the fog, my special ability did not turn against me like the others. Do you know why that is? I am crime. I am punishment. Did you not know? Crime and punishment are close acquaintances.”

Maybe this is more literal than I thought. Maybe there really are two Fyodors - in a sense. The real Fyodor - the “crime” - and his Ability - the “punishment.”

I do not, however, think that a “split personality” is really the “true” nature of Fyodor’s Ability. I think it’s probably more complicated than that. Abilities are extensions of their bearers, after all; Elise does not really have a distinct personality except what Mori gives her, and Shibusawa’s Ability had his personality and his desires.

Which makes me wonder - if this is true, and if the Fyodor we know really is the real Fyodor’s Ability, how much of his desires, his perception of himself and of the world, and especially of Abilities, is his own, and how much of it came from the real Fyodor?

I have a whole rant about Dostoevsky and Fyodor’s character I’ll post if this all turns out to be true, but for now here’s a quote from Demons:  “I also know that it was not you who ate the idea, but the idea that ate you...”

Another reason why I don’t buy that this is all a lie is that we’ve had no other red herrings about either the nature of Fyodor’s Ability, his character, or his past before this. It’s all just been subtle hints. It’s very odd that there would suddenly be a massive red herring now, so far into the series and so far into the DOA arc.

Of course, Asagiri could absolutely be trolling us. Who knows? Maybe in less than a month we’ll find out Fyodor really does deserve an Oscar. I wouldn’t even be mad, because he should have already won an award for that performance when he was arrested in the café.

[stashandtell]

Some Recommendations for Fics That Influenced My Weasley-Ship Rankings

I ranked all my favorite Hermione/X Weasley Sibiling in my most recent post Nobody Asked For This: My Rankings of the Hermione x Weasley Ships with REASONS. Here are some recs to back my completely biased opinons. And now, you can read my fic, Ranking the Weasleys on AO3! - - - - As I sometimes mention on the internet, I keep a WILDLY long and fairly detailed spreadsheet of all the fanfics I've read. I've not been in the fandom long at all but due to life circumstances, I've had too much time on my hands since diving in and have allowed this special interest to wash over me and my whole life like the warm, scented water in the Prefects' giant bathtub. (I hit over 800 works read on my spreadsheet a few days ago and am going to do a numerical analysis and breakdown no one requested, so come back for the data if you're curious.) I've pulled some of my fave fics for my main Hermione x Weasley Sibling pairings -- though I have SO MANY MORE. All of these are mid-length to longfics (~30K-100k+ words, except for one) and are complete, unless noted. Normally I'd copy-and-paste the author's summary but since I'm going to be recommending many here-- I'll give you my 1-3 sentence take on the fic and encourage you to read the author's summary and tags. We're going in descending birth-order by sibling here to keep things tidy: Billmione: What's nuts to me about the Billmione ship is that I don't have a ton of fics I would enthusiastically recommend that explain why I love this pairing so much. I'm not a huge werewolf-ish fan, the age-gap isn't something that inspires my reading that much, and, to be completely honest, sometimes Bill is dry toast in a fic and replaceable with almost any other character. That said, for those of us who love a rare-pair, we feast on the scraps. We love the moments that fuel our headcanons and it's the cumulative experience of developing our own understanding of these characters that drives us into the arms of these fics more than anything. I had a difficult time pulling general recs for this ship, only because so few encapsulate what's I love about Hermione and Bill together (in my mind) in a singular work. I'll keep searching though and plug away at adding my 3 Billmione WIPs to offerings out there, to keep the flag flying. To be perfectly clear: These are GREAT fics I highly recommend. I just don't think of any one of them as the touchstone fic for my love of this pair (imo.) Still Strong by DietCokeofEvil, inspired by I Am Strong by floatsdelicately

Word Count: 38,780 / 19 Chapters

Summary: When Ron leaves Hermione without an explanation a month before their wedding, Bill returns the friendship and care she gave him when he and Fleur separated. They fall in love and build a life together.

My Comments: I read I Am Strong first and I have to say, I loved the two stories together. It's maybe even worth reading I Am Strong before Still Strong because that's how the publishing/inspiration-order goes.

Through the Ages by LadyBlack3

Word Count: 30,301 / 11 Chapters

Summary: Hermione and Bill team up to help research possible causes for a disease spreading through Charlie's dragon reserve and find themselves drawn to each other.

My Comments: This is a fun fic with a plot that keeps things moving. I love them coming together as full-fledged adults with their own lives.

I was torn on recommending Cairo Nights by GillianSteele instead of Through the Ages because they're both excellent examples of this ship, so I'll drop it here as an honorable mention if you're looking for more!

- - - - Charmione: There are SO MANY good Charmiones on my list but I need limits. I would say none of these are exactly emblematic of the typical well-loved Charmione fics, as they don't spend time on the Reserve-- but if you're looking for more recs, feel free to ask me on tumblr or leave a comment and I can happily suggest many more. Last Christmas by KittenShift17

Word Count: 17,079 / One Shot

Summary: Last Christmas, Hermione drunkenly snogged Charlie when she mistook him for Ron and shortly after she broke up with him. This Christmas, she's back at the Burrow and anxious to see Charlie again after thinking about him all year.

My Comments: This was one of the very first Charmione works I read and I recommend it to most my friends looking to get into the ship. As a hefty one-shot, it's a pretty satisfying fic with great Weasley banter and it's on my list of fics to re-read this winter when it's time to get cozy around the holidays. If you like this, check out I Saw Mummy (mind the tag) by Amebb42. Last Christmas is the shortest of all the fics I'm recommending.

Creature Comforts by neilstic

Word Count: 34,588 / 5 Chapters

Summary: Hermione and Charlie are both Hogwarts professors and are into each other. They are also good friends who get to do some fun time travel exploration thanks to the secrets of the castle.

My Comments: This fic is SO well written and snort-out-loud funny. I think of it often and it's not the typical Charmione fic, which is why I wanted to shout it out.

The Eventually Ever After Series by Huffleclaws19 deserves an appreciation post on its own and I HIGHLY recommend it of you're a fan of Charmione and Theomione. It's worth reading it in order. Merry Christmas to Me (the first in the series) is already on my Top-Tier List of all-time faves but the whole series arc is so, so good. Consider this a MOST honorable mention.

- - - - Permione: The Always Series by Simply_Lovely_Reader consists of two stories: Unlikely, which is Hermione's POV and Possibly, which is Percy's.

Word Count: Unlikely - 15,537 / 11 Chapters Possibly - 26,754 / 13 Chapters

Summary: Percy catches Hermione pleasuring herself to thoughts of him in his bed in the Burrow immediately before they start working together at the Ministry. Romance and pining occur.

My Comments: I was overjoyed to find that there was a Percy POV fic for this story but if you only pick one, read Unlikley, which is Hermione's POV.

Reflector by Calebski

Word Count: 39,692 / 7 Chapters

Summary: Hermione seeks Percy's help in finding career her path after the war they're both so changed by. He finds himself seeking her out as well as they develop a friendship and so much more.

My Comments: This author wrote one of my all-time top 3, won't-shut-up-about-my-love-for-it fics, Flourishing Devotion, a Nevmione canon re-write. I really dig their style (Venus Flytrap, another Nevmione is great too.) This Permione delivered.

- - - - Fremione: Fremione recommendations tend to fall in to a few buckets, which often overlap 1) Fred Lives 2) Fred Dies, per the canon 3) Canon rewrites of Fred & Hermione developing feelings during the Hogwarts years There are several WONDERFUL canon re-writes I'll include a few as honorable mentions.

Salve Amor by moonfairy13

Word Count: 31,974 / 20 Chapters

Summary: Hermione saves Fred's life with a bonding spell that can only be cast by someone who carries love for the person they're saving. She doesn't want Fred to know or feel tied to her so of course miscommunications and meddling ensue.

My Comments: The author, moonfairy13, has so many great fics worth checking out. What was great about this one is that the whole fic centers around the Fred Lives turning point.

I Can Love You Like That by LSU Sweetie

Word Count: 31,357 / 12 Chapters

Summary: Fred and Hermione are the last two single people in their friend group at the winter holidays. Hermione wants a relationship and is interested in Fred but has also started to get gifts from a secret admirer.

My Comments: I love a grown-up Fred and Hermione. LSUsweetie has some great works with different pairings and I particularly absolutely freaking loved Festive Fates. This is worth reading because the pairing is undisclosed, so you gotta read it to find out. Paraphrasing the author's summary: Hermione ends up pregnant after a night with a mystery man at New Year's Eve masquerade party right before she has to leave for a year-long work assignment. When she returns the following Christmas, she brings a baby with red hair to the Burrow and hopes to find answers.

Honorable Mentions, Canon Rewrites:

Don't You Know You've Got the Best of Me by raquains

Deal or No Deal by LetticeDouffet

Steel and Soft Smiles by TricksterGhost7 and its companion work, Little Glimpses

Oh So Many Years by fanfictionaries*

The Two Dropouts by tryingsss*

*Denotes a partial canon rewrite (aka ends early or starts later) - - - - Geormione: There were several great Geormione pieces I wanted to recommend but both of my recs relate to navigating Fred's death in very personal ways. That has tended to be the majority of what I've been reading in the Geormione space though there are other dimensions to this ship worth checking out. Like Fremione, there are some great canon-rewrites as well.

I have not started tackling the behemoth that is The Arithmancer by White_Squirrel yet or the rest of the series, though it's queued up as a reward once I finish some very longfics I'm working through... so I know I've read a lower % of the total completed fics on AO3 in the "Hermione Granger/George Weasley" relationship tag than Billmione, Charmione, and Fremione.

To Those Who Wait by Fictionallizzy

Word Count: 56,233 / 9 Chapters

Summary: After Fred's death, Hermione and George spend a forbidden night together which leads to much more than they both expected.

My Comments: In my ridiculous spreadsheet, I give a rating for my personal love of the story and another for the spice level. This is one that has 5/5 on both counts, the smut smuts 💋 and there's some juicy angst in there (my fave.)

In Case You Don't Life Forever by xLoveMx

Word Count: 24,724 / 12 Chapters

Summary: After the battle, Hermione and George are together and apart in their grief. She tries to prepare WWW to reopen and they finds she has to deal with Fred's ghost literally and metaphorically.

My Comments: I've read a few ghost!fred fics but I really loved this one. It was hard to select just one George-Falling-In-Love-While-Grieving fic and the extra dimension Fred's ghost added to this story made it stand out for a recommendation.

- - - - Multi-Weasley Pairings: In fics with multi-Weasley ships, they tend to fall into three buckets: 1) Siblings in competition 2) Love triangle or triad (v-shaped or triangle-shaped) 3) Reverse harems or multiple hookup partners I basically had to read through the majority of all the enticing completed long fics with ALL of the individual siblings I wanted to read paired with Hermione before I started reading multi-Weasley fics. BUT I'm glad I went there because there are some really interesting works that I enjoyed. Here's a fic rec for each bucket: 1) Siblings in Competition: Yours Til The Stars Fall From The Sky by Ronsboggart

Pairings: Fremione, Charmione

Word Count: 64,178 / 7 Chapters

Summary: Hermione and Fred are going to be together until a chance meeting at the World Quidditch Cups finds her and Charlie inexplicably drawn to each other.

My Comments: Mind the tags! This fic definitely has the underage warning on it, which I totally understand isn't everyone's thing. That said, the story of Fred and Hermione falling for each other despite the magnet-pull of Charlie really got me on board with reading Fremione works. Truthfully, I sort of didn't "get" the appeal of Fred until I read this story and for that I'm so grateful. I ended up loving the characterization of Fred and Hermione's love so much in this fic, it's definitely worth it imo.

Honorable Mention: Hot Girl Summer (shorter one-shot) by Anonymous 2) Love Triangle / Triad (V-Shaped): Hic Scunt Dracones by Amebb42 & ShadowAlt

Pairings: Billmione, Charmione

Word Count: 118,498 / 29 Chapters

Summary: On a curse-breaking expedition in a tropical paradise, Charlie, Bill, and Hermione find themselves working a case that puts them face to face with old magic. Both brothers find they care for the same woman and try to encourage her to choose between them.

My Comments: If you read my Ranking the Weasleys post, you know that I don't give a toss about dragons half the time and I REALLY loved the dragon storyline here. I sing the praises of Amebb42 in just a bit but ShadowAlt also has great stories. I enjoyed reading their author's notes in this too.

3) Reverse Harem: Where the Heart Is by Mother_of_Chaos

Pairings: Billmione, Charmione, Fremione, Geormione

Word Count: 40827 / 12 Chapters

Summary: Hermione, who has special abilities and works as an Unspeakable, receives a claiming werewolf bite while helping save a member of the Weasley family and becomes part of their pack.

My Comments: This work was recently completed this past August and was inspired by The Weasley Pack by Mrsmarauders02. Both are worth reading and center around werewolf and pack power. Mind the tags!

Reverse Harem Honorable Mention: Weasley Magic by Amebb42 I included only completed fics here but I have to shoutout the WIP that lives in head rent-free on a regular basis and that's Weasley Magic by Amebb42. This author has so many great works worth reading but this fic completely sold me on the Weasley reverse harem structure and inspired me to give other works a try. Plus, it's not based on a werewolf pack. Yes, the smut is smutty which is great fun, however, all of the characters are so well developed in this massive ensemble work. The Molly bashing-to-redemption is one of my favorite kinds of family angst and there are more relationships beyond Hermione + all of the Weasley siblings that adds delicious complexity to the story. Most importantly, the world mechanics, especially when it come to the Wizengamot, the inherited Weasley family magic itself, and Bill's new status is so, so interesting! I live for this fic . - - - - As For All The Other Hermione x Weasley Family Member Ships: You'll note from my post "Nobody Asked For This: My Rankings of the Hermione x Weasley Ships With REASONS" I don't consider myself well-read in ships with Hermione/Ginny or Hermione/Ron or some of the other family members, so no recommendations at this time. If you have recs, please share! I'd love to know what I'm missing out on or what your fave works are for different pairings.

Don't forget to check out the newest fic, Ranking the Weasleys on AO3!

[rianafying]

it’s 4am i have the worst migraine of all time. i’ve had it for four days now. it was okay yesterday so i thought ut was over but it’s back again, and i have to go to work cause i’ve got a huge makeup gig today. i have to do hair and makeup for 10 models, and im just, exhausted emotionally. i was supposed to do some drawings and attach them to the file, and i told my client i would do it many days ago, but i didn’t do it. partly because of my headache and partly because ive been forgetful.

update: it’s 8am, i haven’t slept, took some painkillers, been getting spontaneous bursts of anxiety since yesterday afternoon. i always feel a little anxious before a job, but it’s only part of the reason. i feel terrible rn. i feel bloated and crusty, and my hair looks terrible. a huge part of how i feel is based on how i look, and until im happy w the way i look (hair styled, outfit pressed, makeup done, accessorised) i don’t feel okay. and i just hate the way i look and i hate everything rn. i’m having one of those moments where nothing is okay. it is entirely in my head because on other days everything could go wrong and i’d still feel okay. i hate being at the mercy of my emotions. i need more time to gather myself than i have. work is in two hours, at least it’s only a 10 minute walk from my place so if i forget something or whatever, i can come back and get it. but i feel really anxious. i can physically feel it. and i’ve misplaced everything, and suddenly my room is all messy again. and all i want to do is sleep and complain. i wish i didn’t feel so crusty 99% of the time. and i felt so lonely yesterday, not the kind of loneliness that makes me wanna talk to people. it’s the kind that just is there. i don’t wanna talk to anyone. i hate everyone. and i just wanna be by myself. but that also feels bad. i have a social life, and i love my friends but it’s different. i could even see people if i wanted to but i don’t want to. why do i feel this way. i don’t wanna be with people i don’t wanna be by myself either. at least i don’t feel suicidal lately. i just feel annoyed. frustrated. especially with the migraine i just wanna throw things and break things. i never have and i never will actually throw or break things. but that’s how i feel. just super. irritated. i need time i hate being in a time crunch. none of my thoughts make sense and im simultaneously over and under stimulated. how is it too hot and too cold at the same time??? it’s too hot in my blanket but too cold if i take it off. and i can physically feel my skin, like i can feel a separate layer on my body. and im itchy and im so annoyed. its too loud and too bright. and i hate that the sun is up again, and i hate the sound of my alarm. i hate it. and u hate every terrible thing that has happened to me or to anyone. and my heart breaks for those who are going through so so so much worse. and nothing is right. this is not how it’s supposed to be. and i need my therapist. i’m gonna have a mental breakdown. i am having a mental breakdown. i can’t even cry lately. i don’t even drink water. i suck. of course im gonna feel this way. i dug myself into this hole.

another update: it’s almost 8pm, finally got home from work. it was just the most draining day ever. i’m exhausted but also strangely anxious. extremely anxious. the shoot went well, i think?? i hope!

[daniigrimm-blog]

Can we just take a moment to simp about the newest album drop by Black Veil Brides, The Phantom Tomorrow, released October 29, 2021. I know, I know, I maybe should have wrote this post like two years ago but really I had a lot to do in the meantime and wanted to give it the true justice this piece of art really deserves. This release is the second album drop since the band's decision to part ways with former bassist Ashley Purdy, (the first basically being a re-master of their former masterpiece debut album "We Stitch These Wounds", now dubbed cleverly, "Re-Stitch These Wounds") and now this! Can I just say, WOW-wowie-wow-wow-wowzers! omg I am just BLOWN away by what has gone into this piece of art and I feel blessed to be born in a time where I got to truly experience its release. Just wow. Welcome to the band Lonny Eagleton, with a resounding, please please don't ever leave.

Tracklist:

The Phantom Tomorrow (Introduction)

Scarlet Cross

Born Again

Blackbird

Spectres (Interlude)

Torch

The Wicked One

Shadows Rise

Fields of Bone

Crimson Skies

Kill the Hero

Fall Eternal

Oh hey did you know that Black Veil Brides released a COMIC BOOK?! It apparently goes right along with this masterpiece of an album because WHY NOT? Siri, can you add "Buy The Phantom Tomorrow comic" to my to-do list? Hell yes. I bought Andy's Ghost of Ohio when it dropped so ya know ya girl is gonna hop this band wagon. And who wouldn't? With such an awesome story and a crazy ass cover like that? Name two people, I bet you cant. And if you can I don't believe you.

From the mouths of babes, as they say. And man is Andy a MAJOR babe. Anyhoo, I figured I would save ya'll a track-by-track personal breakdown because who can do it better than the guys themselves? Amirite? I will say this though, this album feels WHOLE. It feels full. It feels like a really well-rounded album. I'm not a musician myself, but I LOVE music, and I have been watching a lot of different bands grow and rise and it has been an absolutely AMAZING ride. But this band, what a well-rounded flushed out sound they have come to grow into as each individual has honed their craft or joined. And before any of you ask my personal favorite off this particular album is Torch. It's on my On Repeat on Spotify for a reason--but I digress...that brings me once again to Lonny.

Lonny Eagleton

Who is Lonny Eagleton you ask? Well, he's a sweet boy from Canada who joined the BVB family, and man does he fit RIGHT in. Well, his website Bio boasts he's a professional musician who has worked with multiple recognizable names in the industry, that he's done his fair share of arena/theatre based tours, and a plethora of other hidden talents all backed by a degree. I mean, that's impressive enough but man he is humble and sweet to boot! I don't think I am out of line when I say that the BVB family has scored big with this addition to the band--especially if the "The Phantom Tomorrow", and the latest ep drop (October 21, 2022) "The Mourning" are any proof of what is to come in the future.

Now that brings me to "The Mourning" EP which I am also very late to mentioning (at least here!). It's four tracks of powerful music that speaks from and to the soul directly. Clearly what went into this was some powerful storytelling, some genius mastery, and some amazing skill-work. Dare I say, that the older these boys get--the more they manage to master their craft? But it's true. And being someone from the sidelines watching them grow, has been a most satisfying experience--man am I PROUD to be in this fandom. NOT TO MENTION the totally amazeballs producer they have, Erik Ron who handled this ep and the previous album before this. Way to rock out with that cock out Erik!

Tracklist:

Devil

Saviour II

The Revival

Better Angels

"How the fuck is one so evil left to just proceed? All the luck and how deceitful that idle minds can be." Lyrics from Devil really hit close to home some days, especially if you're currently living in America (and I am). It's clear from the tone set by the melody of the guitars when the track first open-fires on your eardrums for an eargasmic explosion of what can only be described as pure Black Veil Brides energy. Straight from the speakers to your soul, Andy Black truly has a way with words and the boys on strings (Jake, Jinxx, and Lonny) really know how to nail it home and build a mood to a harmonious climactic point before bringing it smoothly back down again. And may I say, that CC has really just been on fire these last few albums? He is really kicking some ass behind that kit and I think it's fair to give him a mention for it.

In softer tones Saviour II was second on the EP and set a more serious and tender vibe. A soul bearing ballad needs to be on every album right? At least that seems to be a theme for BVB that I personally hope never dies. They do amazing with a good somber heartfelt melody and these new lyrics that sort of offer different softer, more human side to the Saviour we as a fanbase were used to. The first being: "So hear my voice, Remind you not to bleed. I'm here." the message being a strong voice offering a shoulder to lean on here. A superhero almost. Whereas, the second, "So I'm trying my hardest to be what you made, Like a court jester, my smile won't fade. Giving it all, rising to fall to my grave. Answer the call, living in thrall-You're the one born to save." Is a tooootally different vibe. Like someone human just trying to make it through each day. So-so so good.

The Revival is the third track on the EP and it unfortunately didn't get a video but is still really cool and definitely worth a mention. It feels like Saviour II worked right up into this song. I'm sure they did that on purpose but I can hear/see a story playing out before my very eyes. Maybe my imagination is running a little high, but they have a habit of writing a whole ass story and following it up with a rock opera--so I am not sure because I looked all over for like a track-by-track breakdown and didn't find one (so if anyone has one and can link one to me that would be sugar and spice!) but nevertheless the instrumentals in this song are fire but from 2:19-2:35 it is just the best musical soup I have ever tasted. There I said it. I can say it. It is hot fire.

That brings me to the final track on the EP, Better Angels. I think instrumentally, and melodically, Better Angels may actually be personally my favorite track. Lyrically it is one of the coolest things I have ever heard. I came from a really strictly and very strangely repressed religious background and when I hear the stories told in these songs tied up in some sort of religious metaphor it really resonates and I know I am not the only one in the fanbase that is dealing with these issues. "Go back to hell with all your demons-leave me alone to find the pieces inside my mind. They came in to control my life. And all the devils devour- Your better angels devour." Whether it comes from a religious place or not, that is a pretty fire chorus, you have to admit. Not to mention the absolute MELTDOWN I have inside my head when the guitars (2:35-2:50) fuckin slap my dudes! I am telling you, if you haven't heard it already, please do--your life will be more complete because of it. It's one of the prettiest things I have ever heard ringing in my ears.

Really can't wait to see what Black Veil Brides has in store for us next! I mean between the comic-book, the album, and the ep, I'm already pretty stoked and I literally have no fuckin clue outside what Andy has mentioned in recent interviews! But I will be keeping my eye out! you bet!

Also before I go please enjoy this acoustic set I found on Youtube.

SUPPORT YA BOIS:

http://facebook.com/blackveilbrides

https://twitter.com/blackveilbrides

https://www.instagram.com/blackveilbrides/

[justekasmindx]

Mood

09/18

Two weeks ago, I was heartbroken, after more than a year of not liking anyone else that much. This one's different, it made me surrender, it made my body feel so weak all through my veins up to my head, had a tension headache which I know I can manage but my poor soul didn't allow me to. I promised a year ago that whatever I felt for a person, I would never let it affect my daily life, especially my career, or maybe my career is not important as I see it before.

I stood up and let myself absorb and process each strand of emotion, but this is getting out of hand, my decision-making is affected already and causing me troubles in my daily life.

They said I should not always have to interpret each experience I have but these past few days, aside from being called out by the people around me, I know I have to get past this as quickly as possible. It's time to ask the question, "What is this situation trying to teach me?" (because it's not letting me go). Simple processing of emotion and executing coping mechanisms are just band-aids and I know that I need a long-term solution for this, which is something that has to do with my attachment issues.

I know it's funny, but doing my daily routine makes me focused on the present. So I was in the shower, and as the cold water ran through my whole body, it made me ask, "Why do I feel mad at people who don't agree with me recently, those who neglect my emotions and refuse to understand what I am going through?" This is not the usual me because I already know how to take care of myself whenever I am going through an emotional breakdown, I no longer seek for other's understanding but here I am upset about it just because I felt broken.

Sooner or later, I cried, because clearly the universe just hit me in the face and told me "Girl, you have daddy issues, go damn face it."

To give you a bit of the background, I was a daddy's little girl, for me, my dad was the ideal man I could think of. His love language to me was acts of service, he literally took care of me in every possible and sensible way, in my eyes he was the most hardworking man and a great leader wherever he went. He has one of the most impacts on how I behave today, my love language for receiving is acts of service and I always perceive myself as a great leader if I decide to become one. It was great until I stepped into college, we moved to another city, and he's been influenced by his colleagues, unfortunately, I lost my dad since then. He's there in our home, but he's no longer my dad who cared for me. I mourned for it for months, until I finally accepted that I was already on my own, making my own decisions, and from this point, chaos started in my life.

I didn't realize until this very moment, that the reason I was roaming around looking for a boyfriend and companion in my early 20s was because I lost my father figure during those years. All along I thought my mom was the issue because she's the one who's always nagging me and neglecting my feelings about how I run my life, but the real root cause was my dad. This is not to blame them, no parents are perfect, I just really needed to figure out why I was feeling this way, I needed to go back and check the key to move forward.

It breaks my heart right now, the memories of my young adulting consist of me chasing men to stay, accepting toxic behaviors because I no longer want to be abandoned, trying to escape the feeling of being neglected, begging for people's attention and validation by being successful in my career and business, just to prove them that I can stand alone and I am strong enough and I have my life figured out because I thought to have an ongoing life supposed to be treasured for me to achieve the society's standard and ideal life. I was not able to control myself and my mistakes because I did not know what was happening. I remember myself reaching out to my friends, different life coaches, even psychologists or counselors, and people who I know looked after me, for me to figure out what was going on with my life. Their advice has helped me a lot with my current situation at the time but never has anyone taught me that I have to look past way behind each detail so that I would be able to figure it out.

The norm is people will say to stop looking at the past, free yourself from regrets, and forgive those people who hurt you. Damn, people, I don't even know what happened, who or what caused these. People will say just go with the flow, and let people and experiences come and go. Again, damn, I don't even know what to let go or what to attract because my mind is still messed up and in chaos figuring out which pieces fit my puzzle.

I am a woman who can't just move forward to another unless something huge is resolved, I need to sit and talk about it so it will give me peace of mind and prevent it from happening again to lessen the damage that it may cause. This may be toxic to others but that's how I keep myself on track, I need to focus on what I can control. I know not everything can be controlled, so I let go and accept the fact that I can't, especially others' decisions. But if I feel like I need to figure something out in order for me to be better in the upcoming situations, I really need to get to the root cause of it.

Last night, I intentionally went to work late, because I was processing my realizations during that shower, I cried, and I felt bad about the fact that I was mad at people around me for invalidating my feelings where I was the problem all the time, it was my daddy issues took over me because I can no longer handle my own emotions so I tended to look for the validation of the father figure I currently have.

Oh yes, I frequently cry these days because I am having PMS and I'm about to have my period, my hormones are overflowing.

Moving forward, I now have to start to heal this early adult of me, I am safe now, I now have people who listen to me and if there are not, I know I understand myself more than anyone else, so I don't have to worry, I no longer have to prove myself to anyone. I am accepting the fact that life wouldn't always give people it's ideal family, I may have lived with parents and a whole family technically, but I know they're not the kind of people who can be leaned on, I am part of the percentage of the world that has to treat myself as my own home and my loyal friends as my family, too. I feel like an orphan now, but that's how life works.

And, you know what, I guess one of the most important lessons here is, knowing that the universe is sending us people, not to intentionally just hurt us, but to teach us lessons we need to learn, in preparation to receive this something bigger blessing that is coming soon. That guy who got my heart broken is a blessing, if it didn't happen, I wouldn't be able to realize that I have this part of me that I have to heal before I move forward. Recently, I have been feeling lost, but I know there's an incoming path for me to take on, I am about to leave my current situation.

I am now letting go of this guy. It was never my feeling of regret that was a problem, it was about me experiencing the feeling of abandonment and being neglected again, it was my issue, and now I got to do the work to heal it.

To my future husband, you're going to have the healed version of me. Just wait for me, I'm already working on it.

This piece of journal helped me a lot to get my head cleared out, if ever someone read this, hope you learned something out of it.

[arandomperson5647]

Me attempting to fix Edward strikes out

Soooo, this is my first ever post (not including the anniversary thing).

I've considered posting this here but I never officially decided until now. Y'all know the infamous "Edward Strikes Out" episode? Well, about 2 years ago I did a small rewrite of it. Back in the day, for some reason, I used to write in a transcript form, so that's why it looks like this. I've also considered rewriting it in a "novel" style (idk what it's called), but I haven't done it (yet??). I actually posted this on the Thomas wiki when I first wrote it so it might be familiar or smth, idk. I'm gonna tweak it a bit but it's mostly the same as the original.

*One day, Edward was going to pick up some pipes at Brendam Docks, but then he noticed Thomas admiring a new breakdown train. James and Gordon were there too.*

Edward: Who’s that?

Thomas: That’s the new breakdown train. He looks very strong, strong enough to lift you up Gordon!

Gordon: *scoffs* Really? He looks useless to me.

Edward: How come?

Gorden: Can’t you see? He doesn’t have an engine. He can’t go anywhere.

Edward: So? That doesn’t mean anything.

Gordon: It means an engine would have to waste time collecting him.

Thomas: And how is that any different to the other breakdown train?

Gordon: Well, Umm...

Thomas: Haha, looks like I got you there. *then he puffs away*

Gordon: Still, he’ll just get in the way. There's no point in two breakdown trains. Besides, Judy and Jerome are two cranes while this guy is only one. He's probably not as strong.

James: I agree with Gordon, there’s no way he can be really useful.

*Edward then chuffs to the breakdown train to introduce himself.*

Edward: Hello, you’re the new breakdown train, right?

Rocky: *sadly* Yes, I am.

Edward: Is something wrong?

Rocky: I over heard what those two engines said, they don’t think I’ll be really useful.

Edward: Don’t listen to them, they’ll change their mind once they see you in action.

Rocky: Thanks, I’m Rocky.

Edward: And I’m Edward, nice to meet you. I’d better get going, I don’t want to be late.

*Edward was delivering his pipes, but couldn’t stop thinking about Rocky.*

Edward: *to himself* I’m sure Rocky is very useful, he’s probably just as useful as the other breakdown train.

*Edward was so busy thinking about Rocky, that he almost passed a red signal!*

Edward: Oh no! *Puts his brakes on.*

*Edward braked so hard, it caused his pipes to fall all over the track.*

*Then James arrived.*

James: What happened here?

Edward: I braked too hard and my pipes fell onto the track. We should get Rocky.

James: We can’t get Rocky, he’ll just get in the way, we should get Harvey.

Edward: Are you sure?

James: I’m 100% sure.

*James’ crew calls for Harvey. A few minutes later, Harvey arrived.*

Harvey: Wow, that’s a lot of pipes, it will take me a long time to get these back on the truck.

James: Just do what you have to do.

*A few minutes later, Thomas shows up behind James.*

Thomas: What’s going on?

Edward: Harvey’s getting the pipes back onto my train.

Thomas: Wouldn’t it be faster if we used Rocky?

James: We’ve got everything under control, you just need to be patient.

Edward: What if we use the breakdown train?

Thomas: We can't, I saw Percy on the way over here and he's using them.

*Just then, they heard a whistle.*

Thomas: *gasp* That’s Gordon’s whistle!

*Gordon was thundering down the line. Everyone was yelling “stop!!” But it was too late. Gordon had crashed into the pipes.*

Harvey: Oh dear, I’m not strong enough to lift up Gordon.

James: But weren’t you able to lift up Percy?

Harvey: Yes, but he was a tank engine, not a big tender engine.

Edward: That’s it, I’m getting Rocky, he’ll be strong enough to lift Gordon onto the tracks and be able to put the pipes back even faster.

*Edward goes to the docks to get Rocky*

Edward: Come Rocky! It’s an emergency! Gordon has come off the rails!

Rocky: I'm ready. GO GET 'EM, EDWARD!

*Edward couples up to Rocky and heads to the accident. When he got there, Rocky went right to work. Everyone was amazed on how strong he was, even James and Gordon were impressed. Soon, Rocky had gotten all of the pipes back into the train.*

Gordon: Thanks Rocky, I’m sorry I thought you wouldn’t be really useful.

James: Me too, you’re really strong and you got those pipes up really quickly.

Rocky: Thanks guys, and it’s okay, I’m just glad to be really useful.

[unethicalexperiments]

idk how to really start this but like. my mental state is just so exhausting like im so tired of it. theres no reason i should be this volatile theres no reason i should react to situations the way i do. just last night i had a weird (not even that bad) interaction with a stranger and it pissed me off so much i tried to kill myself. i wasn't sad or embarrassed i was just so furious over it, because it was a 10 second interaction and i couldn't explain myself to the other person, and i was just so fucking angry i was ready to physically hurt the other person over it well after i walked away. and then once i got home i was so upset that i got that unreasonably angry over a nothing interaction. and its not like i even got angry while i was still with the other person! it wasnt until after i walked away! there were only two thoughts circling in my mind for about 30-60 minutes after (idk im so bad at keeping track of time) that were just "why do i react to things like this" and "i just want it to stop hurting" bc thats the worst of it it just hurts so much. i swear im in physical pain after having breakdowns like that i feel hollow in my chest and obviously i dont have to say anything else about how much it emotionally hurts. i just want it to stop hurting. is that really too much to ask for? to not be in so much pain for just a little while? i guess i still havent come to terms with the fact that im disabled, because i still think of being disabled as someone who uses aids, even though i know invisible disabilities are a thing. i dont see other peoples invisible disabilities as being invalid, just really my own, because i still feel like im high enough functioning that i shouldnt consider myself disabled. i dont use mobility aids yet i dont take pain medication yet so therefore the literal brain damage i have isnt bad enough, im still fine. i kind of got off track but thats also part of it i guess. another thing that really gets me is the fact that i actually do have bpd, i was diagnosed by an actual doctor at 17 and its still a more than valid diagnosis. i feel like im in this constant cycle of "i have to get better because i cant keep living like this" and "i have to get worse so everyone else can see what theyve done to me". like last night i literally had to sit down and reread the dsm chapter on bpd to remind myself this is why youre like this. you do have this diagnosis its real and it is a problem. my 30 minute episodes of actively trying to kill myself to be followed by watching tv or something and laughing as if none of that happened. i still cant fathom not living like this, not having to go through this every fucking day. and then on the other hand i had a great interaction today at my job that made me feel really good about what i do and proving the work that i do is actually helping the community around me. and i felt on top of the world for like an hour, i felt great! and then another thing at work happened where i proved myself/my team to be right about something! which was also great! and i got another half hour of happiness. and then i get home and im reminded of how alone i am, how i really have no one to do or share anything with anymore. which is partially my fault and partially not! im not gonna act like im the most pleasant person to be around or that im easy to deal with, but fuck, man, i try. and it always feels like no one else is trying. i cut my own hair for the first time a few weeks ago; it came out great! and had no one to tell about it.

and now im just staring at a wall over all of it. none of the bad stuff happened none of the good stuff happened. im gonna get violently angry later and im gonna be nearly euphoric later, its just another day. and i want to change i want to change my lifestyle so bad but how can i do that without any help. i spent years of my life begging for other people to help me and got ignored, which resulted in my disability. i tried so hard to fix it on my own but i couldnt! im not a doctor! and now ill never be because i couldnt finish my pre-med classes because of my disability! i feel like im constantly screaming at the top of my lungs and waving red flags shouting please for the love of god someone help me every day and every day nothing changes. they say you cant help someone who doesnt want to be helped, but has anyone actually tried helping people before? youre telling me you cant problem solve? you cant find a different road to a solution, just because we cant take the easiest one? im sorry that its not easy for everyone else to help me, but how does anyone else think i feel?

but whatever. im fine now. i relived every emotion i went through while writing all that but im fine now. now that its all out there its all out there, out of my system. i dont care anymore. because it didnt matter. because it doesnt matter. none of it matters. it happened and its gonna happen again. ill go through these cycles again tomorrow and the next day and the next week and the next month and the next year and so on. it is what it is i guess. but does it really have to be.

[kaleuh]

Day 201: What are your plans for tomorrow?

Ohohohoho.

TOMORROW. Is something Maegan and I have been planning for a while! We're getting together to create a formal chart and breakdown of EVERY SINGLE theory we have for East Texas University!

Maegan and I have been whittling away at cracking the codes of this game and figuring out character motivations and plot points. We're 99% certain we figured out Who The Big Bad Is (we figured that out months ago heheh) but we have to uncover all the Whys and Hows and Who Is Involved's in order to be able to do anything about it.

200 Pages of game notes. 18 Session Audio Recordings. 7 Poor Little Meow Meow Venn Diagrams. 6 character playlists. 3 Shipping Charts. 1 Fully integrated Sims game with character-and-world accurate models.

We are, without a doubt, the most obsessed players in the history of this game and I would really, really be surprised to see anyone on our level. I often wish I had a crystal ball to see what other people's Savage Worlds/ETU games are like. I might be biased, but I truly think our DM (The Mailman!) has made every single one of these characters come to life in such a spectacular way that I don't think can ever be replicated.

We have lab coats. We're dressing up. Maegan doesn't know this but I am buying a corkboard with red string tomorrow so we can go full Pepe Silvia. Listen, we're not going manic just for us! We're doing it for Trey and Shelby! And Jackson! And GlenMac! And Sonya! And Benny! And Delilah! And Paul! And Mary Lynn! And Danny! And Little Shelby! And Dan Freeman! And Missy Jordan! And Lisa Grey! We're ESPECIALLY going manic obsessive for Sue Tinder! Fuck it, we're doing it for Forrester Harris!

Maegan and I were put on this earth for one reason: to protect the hot boys in Pinebox, Texas (and everyone else ofc) 🫡

We've got two weeks of break left until Senior Year starts (let's pray it's enough time to cover all our thoughts!)

[bloodbagcutesy2112]

h1y4! 1m h3r3 to c4us3 no troubl3, just to 4sk a f3w qu3st1ons. my names r3z1, y4 m1ght know m3. 1 1nh3r1t3d your t1tl3 on 4lt3rn14st1ms, w3ll, th4t w4s b3for3 1 w4s rud3ly r3mov3d by th3 m41n mod (mod n3p3t4, th3 old n3p3t4 you kn3w qu1t wh3n sh3 h4d h3r br34kdown), 4nd 1 w4nt to 3xpos3 th3 mods on th3 4ccount for wh4t th3y r34lly 4r3. d1rty ly1ng 4bus3rs.

now you m1ght b3 4sk1ng yours3lf "so why is she coming to ME? i quit alterniastims so long ago!" b3c4us3 1 know you h4v3 a h1story w1th th3 m41n mod 4nd poss1bly h4v3 th1ngs th4t would h3lp 3xpos3 th3m to th3 public (th1s 1s both 4n 3xpos1ng of h1m 4nd 4lt3rn14st1ms.) you c4n r3m41n 4nonymous 1f you so w1sh!

1f you 4r3n't w1ll1ng to sh4r3 th3 1nform4t1on, th4ts ok4y too! h4v3 4 n1c3 d4y!

[translation:

hiya! i here to cause no trouble, just to ask a few questions. my names rezi, ya might know me. i inherited your title on alterniastims, well, that was before i was rudely removed by the main mod (mod nepeta, the old nepeta you knew quit when she had her breakdown and i want to expose the mods on the account for what they really are. dirty lying abusers.

now you might be asking yourself "so why is she coming to ME? i quit alterniastims so long ago!" because i know you have a history with the main mod and possibly have things that would help expose them to the public (this is both an exposing of him and alterniastims) you can remain anonymous if you so wish!

if you aren't willing to share the information, thats okay too! have a nice day! ]

Hi. I appreciate the ask, Miss Rezi. You’re correct, I do have quite a history with this account. I even temporarily left when me and the main mod were still friends. I quickly regained my title, however.

The main mod and I were friends for at least three to four years prior to this. Every time, it ended with me blocking them, since they were abusive. They gaslit me everytime we met into thinking that they had changed. About the second time we met, we started dating yet they convinced me it was one sided. After that, they stopped talking to me for about two or three months, only to come back to let me know they had ran off and started dating my crush at the time. This time when they came back into my life, they hit me up saying they had changed. I foolishly decided to believe him, fully knowing nothing good could come of it. I gave them my address so they could send me things, and they gave me theirs so I could send them things. Now, they’ve been sending me anon hate. Saying I look like I “get off to corpses”, saying I look “acoustic”, and at one point, saying they’d “break into (my) your house and rape (me) you so hard”. I turned off anon asks for that reason, but me and my friends send each other anon asks in character for our role plays, and I figured I was safe. I think yours was the most pleasant thing I could have expected when I found an anon ask in my inbox. Also, yes, I have their address, and I am fully prepared to report them to the police if their harassment continues.

[spicysociety]

Healing is a Journey

originally written April 4, 2019.

I've not written anything in a while, so forgive me if this is a little ramblin' and all over the place. I'm just kind of putting words down.

As some of you know, I have had the unfortunate experience of recovering from an abusive relationship. It wasn't all bad, but it certainly wasn't good, and I am still dealing with the emotional scars left behind and it's been over a year.

I thought I had made further progress in the last few months. I had gone to an event last fall that he attended and managed to hold it together until I got home. I had a good breakdown about a month ago over some of the pain I still feel from his actions, and I thought the breakdown had done me some good and helped me move forward. I've been trying to be mindful of what things make me twitch and why, and figuring out if I need to find coping mechanisms for those things or just need to work through it.

But I was wrong about how much progress I've made. Recently, I had to deal with an incident where he was invited to a weekend event by a host who knew of our history and still invited him even after they were aware that my children and I would be there, and I found out two days before the event. It was something I really wanted to go to, for multiple reasons. But because of his presence, I felt I was not capable. I had multiple almost-panic attacks just thinking about being in the same area of him for roughly two days. My oldest daughter had an almost gut reaction of "no" when I told her that he would be there. My youngest daughter broke down into one of the worst fits of tears I've seen out of her in a while.

I decided against going. I did not know if I could mentally handle it, and I did not know if I could trust myself to be adult enough not to say something to the co-host who took it upon themselves to invite him despite knowing that I wanted to be there for very serious reasons.

I thought that would be the end of it. That I would just not go and I would be ok. But this week has been a hard one. I've been more sensitive to anything that even remotely reminds me of my time with him. I've had trouble discerning triggers from normal grumpies. I am on edge, and I am trying to keep from breaking.

I am still healing. I'm still very much in the process of extricating all the splinters and shards from the wounds he inflicted. People say that emotional and mental abuse isn't the same, and some people, especially those who knew us while we were together, might have a hard time believing that the trauma runs as deep as it does. When it's insidious, when it is innocuous to outsiders, and when they do see it, it seems like jokes and sarcasm, to me, that makes it worse. Because people don't want to believe that you're serious. They want to believe that it was all just someone being an asshole, but not a real asshole, the kind of asshole that can be shrugged off and brushed aside and not taken seriously.

This is not to say that physical, mental, and emotional abuse of other kinds are not valid. This is just to say the next time someone tells you they have been abused, and they tell you who their abuser is, and you don't want to believe it because you think the abuser is really just a joker, stop yourself. Rethink that. Just because you don't see the abuse doesn't mean it isn't happening. And you don't get to decide if someone has been hurt.

[svtcherry]

Home - Boo Seungkwan

Fluff, angst

Summary: after another bad date, y/n decides to finally confess her love for her best friend.

Your usual bf2l trope and domestic Boo<3

You unlock the door, sighing as you get inside your small- but cosy- apartment.

As soon as you got in, the smell of your favorite pasta hit your nostrils, and for a second, you forgot the reason why you were so upset you could barely drag your feet across the floor.

Tonight was no different than most date nights you've had over the past couple of months since you decided to put yourself out there again and start dating (aka try to get over your very real, very romantic feelings for your best friend). Boring, miserable and making you question your self worth, would be an accurate way to describe those dates.

"Y/n? You're home?" Seungkwan asked from the kitchen once he heard the door unlock, but he didn't get a reply from you. When he came to the living room to check on you, he immediately knew why.

You were sitting on that tiny couch Seungkwan despises and tells you to throw away because "it barely fits two people" according to him, with a huge frown on your face.

He called your name again and you turned around to look at him surprised. " Oh, what are you doing here? I didn't know you were coming"

He sat down next to you and he gave you a small hug "I had some business nearby and i thought I'd come over and cook your favorite pasta like the great best friend to that I am" You snorted, which earned you a small slap on your arm. " What's up with you tho, you don't look good?" And that's all it took for the dam to break.

"Seungkwan? What's wrong with me?" At this point you were crying a river and the poor boy was so startled because you usually never cry around him. " W-what do you mean? Nothing is wrong with you. What happened, talk to me? Hmm?"

"I went on another date today" he immediately understood your frustration but he just let you continue " with the cute guy from Management Accounting that asked for my number the other day. He seemed so interested in me before we went on the date, but today he was so.... I don't think I've ever seen a person look so bored in my entire life Seungkwan. He was on his phone THE ENTIRE TIME and he sighed a lot like he didn't wanna be there... And... It just made me feel so pathetic and sorry for my self you know? Like I don't deserve to be in a happy relationship ".

He was getting angrier every second you kept talking. He stroked your back gently to help you calm down.

"And that's not even the worst part. He flirted with the waitress the entire time and after we paid - we split the check but you know i don't really care about that - HE THEN ASKED ME TO DO THAT ASSIGNMENT I'VE BEEN BUGGING YOU ABOUT FOR WEEKS NOW. CAN YOU BELIEVE HIM???"

At this point you were having a full breakdown. You stained Seungkwan's shirt with your make-up too, and even tho he noticed, he really didn't care.

He wished you'd see that what you think of yourself is not true, that you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness, that you're absolutely worth it.

He wished you could see how much he loves you.

"You know " you sniffed " I caused all of this to myself. And before you say that I'm talking shit again, I'm really not." You cut him off before he could say anything, but there was still a curious look on his face so you continued.

" I fell in love with someone" his curious face turned into a surprised one and you giggled nervously "yeah, I didn't tell you, I'm sorry. I didn't tell anyone really."

"Did they like you back? Did you tell them?"

You scoffed " would I be here crying and staining your shirt if he did? Tsk. Anyway. I think I've been in love with him ever since we met, but i only realized 6? 7 months ago? I'm not really sure."

"All this time, I've been trying to get over him and replace those feelings, thoughts, everything, with someone else. And yes I know how wrong it sounds Seungkwan but I know he doesn't like me back. And I was too much of a chicken to confess, because what if I did and then I ruined everything that we had? That was something I couldn't bear".

"I couldn't bear the thought of not waking up to his good morning texts, not receiving daily reminders to take my vitamins and to dressing warm during the winter. If I lost him, who would binge watch the romance movies we've watched a 100 times already? Who would sing Twice songs with me on that stupid karaoke place in Itaewon?Who would cook me my favorite pasta because he's a "great best friend" and rub my back gently when I need to cry?"

You could feel his eyes burning holes through your head, but now that you poured your heart out, you couldn't stop.

"I can't bear it anymore Seungkwan. I'm in love with you, hell I've been in love with you ever since I saw down next to you in English class on our freshman year. But you are the most important person in my life, and I don't know what I'm gonna do when you decide to stop talking to me because you don't feel the same."

You turned to look at him, only to find him looking back at you with a face void of any expression.

"I'm sorry Kwanie, but I fell in love with you and I don't know if I will ever stop. I mean 6 months worth of failed dates couldn't do the job, i don't know what will " you laughed but he was still looking at you without saying anything.

"Seungkwan... Please say something"

To say he was shocked would be an understatement. All this time he thought he was the only one in love and afraid to jeopardize your friendship.

As he saw you stand up, he immediately grabbed your arm and pulled you onto his lap, holding your face in his hands gently.

" Don't stop. Please don't ever stop loving me Y/n"

"I... Wh-"

"Because I've been in love with you ever since i first saw you in the uni's cafeteria eating with your friends, months before we first met. I've been in love with you for way too long now for you to stop loving me".

Both of you sat in silence for a few moments, taking each other and what you said in.

His thumb touched your lips gently, you cought his eyes on your lips as well. You wanted nothing more than to kiss him, be closer to him, closer than ever before.

There weren't any fireworks or butterflies in your stomach when you finally felt his soft lips against yours. Instead, you felt warmth, happiness and love. You felt like you were home after being lost for so long.

"I love you" he never thought it would be so easy to be able to say it to you at last.

"I love you too Kwannie" you gave him another kiss and you rested your head on his shoulder and snuggling with him.

"Y/n?" "Hmm?" " I hate to ruin the mood, but the pasta is gonna get cold." You look up to him, clearly not amused and you get up to go to the bathroom to wash up.

"Go go, I'll get everything ready" he kissed your forehead and rushed to the kitchen, which made you giggle.

Seungkwan was your home, and you couldn't be happier.

[gotnofucks]

His Responsibility

Pairing: dark!Andy Barber x Reader

Summary: When you’re pregnant and scared, Andy decides he will take the responsibility, whether you want it or not.

Words: 3.4k

Warning: Non-con/Dub-con, smut, breeding kink, pregnancy, age gap (reader is in 20s), 18+ ONLY

A/N: This is my slightly late entry for @just-one-ordinary-fangirl​ 1000 followers challenge. Congratulations Lucy, you beautiful, absolutely breathtaking soul. I love you so much! The prompt has been bolded.

The crook of your elbow still throbbed as you drove away from the labs, having just given a blood sample. Jacob was supposed to be with you but like every other time, he had bailed out. Seeing no other option, you changed your path and turned towards the Barber house, hoping to find answers there.

You hesitated a moment before getting out and ringing the bell, nervously twisting the hem of your t-shirt. Sweat and tears were threatening to spill over and you hastily blinked while wiping at your hairline, ringing the bell again. You straighten once the door was swung open, coming face to face with Andy Barber.

His mouth opened in surprise, eyes taking in your bothered appearance. Softly saying your name in question, he moved aside to let you in, frowning at you.

“Are you okay?” He asked, gently placing a hand on your shoulder. You wanted to start bawling. Everything about your life was spiraling out of your control and you needed to talk before things went worse. Before you could speak however, you heard footsteps behind you and saw Jacob come down the stairs, looking outraged at seeing you in his house.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” He rudely snapped and your eyes narrowed. What had ever possessed you to date this bastard?

“Jacob!” Andy scolded, “that’s no way to talk to your girlfriend.”

You scoffed as Jacob rolled his eyes. You’d broken up nearly a month ago, and while he’d been desperate to have you back at first, now he only went about telling anyone who’d listen what a sanctimonious bitch you were.

“We broke up dad.” Jacob said. “What are you doing here? You didn’t really think I’ll take you back, did you?”

Your fingers curled into a fist, a sneer curling on your lips as you glared at him. You wouldn’t touch this piece of shit with a ten feet pole.

“Take me back? I broke up with you, asswipe.” You snapped. “And anyway, I am not here for you. I need to speak with Mr. Barber.”

Jacob’s eyes narrowed suspiciously while Andy’s frown deepened, his gaze questioningly fixed on you.

“What about?” Jacob asked, crossing his arms across his chest. You noted with wry amusement how pathetic he looked next to his father who was watching your interaction with displeasure. Andy and you and had always gotten along well, and even before you broke up, you often wondered how such a man raised a dick like Jacob.

“None of your fucking business. Mr. Barber, can we please talk?” You asked, addressing Andy. He motioned you towards the direction of his study and you made your way there, trying not to pay attention to Jacob’s protests as he and Andy argued. You sat in Andy’s study, wiping your sweaty hands on your pants. You were scared, angry and humiliated but Andy was your last hope.

He came in a couple minutes later, shutting the door after him and taking the seat across from you. Andy looked at you kindly, giving you a small smile that reminded you of how often he had sided with you over his son in previous arguments. You could talk to him. He would understand.

“Please, don’t judge me.” You pleaded and saw him roll his eyes. After everything that you knew happened to their family, Andy Barber is the last person who’d ever judge anyone.

“Don’t insult me by saying that.” He chided. “You can talk to me freely.”

You took a deep breath before reaching inside your bag and pulling out the pregnancy test. Two pink lines glared back at you, and once you passed it on to Andy, his eyes widened. He looked from the small stick to you, twice, blinking in surprise.

“Jacob?” He asked and you nodded.

You’d told him you missed your period last week and got a positive result but he neither answered your texts nor call you back. After three days of silence, you’d finally managed to get him to agree to accompany you for a blood test, but he had been a no show today as well.

“I don’t know what to do.” You admitted, shoulders slumping down in defeat. A baby didn’t fit any of your current plans and you were shit scared of how your parents would react. It didn’t help that the father of the baby didn’t look like someone who would help you shoulder the responsibility.

“Does he know?” Andy asked, rolling the stick in his hands. His voice had gone hard, but you knew it was mostly directed at his careless son than you.

“I told him. He was supposed to come with me to the hospital today. I waited for over an hour.” You said. You jumped when Andy’s hand slammed against the table suddenly, body leaned forward as he fixed you with a terribly furious gaze.

“Hospital?” He questioned, gaze accusing and you reeled back, raising your hand. You understood what he was implying, and though he didn’t have any say in it, you didn’t comment on his reaction.

“I went for a formal blood test. Sometimes these tests can be faulty.” You explained and watched Andy slump back in his chair, rubbing tiredly at his eyes. There was silence until he sighed deeply, folding his hands and leaning his elbows on the table.

“I am sorry.” He apologized. “About myself and my son. He’s a nasty piece of shit.”

You cracked a small smile, sharing an amused look with Andy until you started chuckling. That chuckle turned to a laugh, and your body vibrated as you lost all control. You laughed, you laughed until it turned into a sob and then a wail, helpless cries leaving your mouth with seemingly no end. Tears made their way down your eyes and into your open mouth, coating your tongue in bitter saltiness and you were suddenly in Andy’s arm, cradled to his chest where he held you tight.

He rocked your sobbing body slowly, patting your back and head as you wet his shirt with your snot and tears. Your helplessness and fear about what the future held had you snapping, and you let out your sorrows in the arms of the man who sired the reason for all your problems.

You may have cried for a few minutes or hours, you didn’t know. But Andy didn’t push you away, holding you until the last of your sniffles disappeared and you were able to breath normally. Mortified, your cheeks burning with heat and humiliation you raised your head from his chest to meet his eyes, watery gaze meeting a kind and concerned one.

“I am so sorry.” You whispered, embarrassed at having lost control like this.

A rough hand wiped at the wet tear tracks on your face, gentle and soft as he finally turned your chin up again.

“Don’t be. You deserve a breakdown.” Andy said, smiling softly at you. He slowly moved away and took his own seat, passing you a glass of water and not speaking until you’d taken a few sips. “Who else knows?”

“Just you for now. My parents…they aren’t exactly going to be supportive about this.” You answered, looking down. Your conservative family will either have you disowned or in an arranged marriage within a week.

When Andy spoke your name, you saw him conflicted. The lines in his forehead were deepened, unsure as to what to say to you.

“Do you want me to talk to Jacob? Because I assure you, he’ll take the responsibility. I’ll make him do it.” He promised you.

“At this point, I think my life would be better off without him. I am just here to discuss options with you.” You said and Andy frowned again.

“You wanna get rid of it?” He gruffly questioned, jaw clenched. You held in your frustration, allowing him to have his own opinions.

“No” You said, “I just wanna know my rights. I want to know that my position at the university and work will not be compromised. I want to know about child support and the laws that protect me. I need advice Mr. Barber. If I will bring a life into this world, I want to be prepared for it. I may have made a lot of bad decisions, but I refuse to be a bad mother.”

Andy looked at you as if looking at you for the first time. You saw him process your words until he slowly nodded, not looking away from you.

“I’ll help you. Give me a few days, I’ll compile all that you need.”

You were just about to sleep when you heard the knocking. Putting a robe over your t-shirt and shorts you went to answer the door, surprised when it was Andy. It had been three days since your talk, and you were to pick your blood reports the following morning.

“Mr. Barber” You greeted, letting him in. Why was he here so late?

“We need to talk.” Andy said, taking a seat on your couch. You bit your lip as you sat near him, wondering what had him looking so serious.

“I spoke to Jacob. He refused to take any responsibility. I am sorry I raised a jackass who won’t step in.” Andy said and you pursed your lips, not in the least bit surprised. You’d already gathered that Jacob was a fucking jerk, and you’d rather your kid have no dad than a deadbeat one.

“You don’t need to apologize Mr. Barber, it is not your fault.” You assured Andy.

“Please, call me Andy. I want you to know that if Jake won’t step in, I will. I will take care of you.” Andy promised and you blinked before shaking your head.

“I – Andy, that’s really sweet of you. But outside of legal advice I don’t need any help. I am a strong woman. I can take care of myself and my kid. Also, no offense, but I don’t want my kid too close to his father’s side and then have them wonder why dad doesn’t love them.” You said.

Andy regarded you slowly, a hand rubbing his beard before he rested back against the couch.

“No.” He said firmly.

“No?” You asked, confused. What did he mean no?

“Don’t ever say anything like that ever again. That child, they are a Barber. You’re not taking them away from me.” Andy said, fixing you with his deep blue eyes. You mouth parted in shock, a hazy sort of disbelief clouding your vision.

“Excuse me?” You sputtered, looking at him as if he’d lost his mind.

“That child will not grow up without a father. If Jake won’t claim them, I will. They have my blood in their veins too.” Andy said.

He was speaking, but he made no sense. You looked at him, not taking in a word he said. The only thing you focused on was how Andy had inched closer to you, sitting right next to you until your thighs touched. You blinked before quickly getting up to move away when Andy grabbed your hand and pulled you down beside him again.

“Andy! Let me go!” You cried, hitting against his shoulder. He didn’t move away, instead, he placed his other hand on your tummy, gently feeling.

“This is my kid inside you now. No one will know it’s Jake’s. I am your baby daddy.” Andy announced and before you knew it, his lips had enveloped yours, kissing you deep and hard. You struggled in his hold, panic making you trash as tears ran down your face. You pushed until Andy pulled away, holding you tight by your waist.

“Please, let me go.” You sobbed, uncomprehending of how things had gotten so out of hand.

“No. We will make sure this kid is mine. After tonight, no one will doubt their parentage.” He said and stood up, pulling your resisting body with him towards your bedroom. He more or less dragged you inside, locking the door and throwing you on your bed.

You crawled away from him, clutching your robe tight in fear as he came closer. His blue eyes had gotten darker, and you couldn’t look away as he unbuttoned his shirt.

“Please, don’t do this. Why are you doing this?” You begged, body trembling as he came closer. You shifted away but Andy dragged you back by your ankle, holding your body down with his weight as his hands came to remove your clothes.

“I’m making our relationship legit. I am giving myself a new chance at family with a perfect mother who will raise a good kid with me.” He said, kissing you again. Your robe slipped away, and Andy’s hands went under your t-shirt, racing up to cup your tits. He groaned in your mouth, tasting you and your tears as you weakly protested.

“No. You can’t do this.” You said, crying harder when his lips went from your jaw to your neck, kissing sweetly. His beard scratched against your skin, hands pinned underneath his massive body as he vowed to claim you and your kid.

“I can. I can do this, and you can’t stop me.” He whispered hotly in your ear, fighting your t-shirt off your wiggling body. Your bare chest met cold air, and soon enough your nipples were enveloped with the warmth of Andy’s mouth. He suckled gently, then harder, biting then soothing the sting with his tongue.

“These tits now belong to me.” He said, moving over to lavish is attention to the other breast before dipping lower to pepper kisses over your stomach. “Don’t worry little one, daddy is here. You’ll always have a father in me.”

You grew tired as your limbs hurt, your pathetic hits doing nothing to Andy. He seemed not to notice your cries or pleas, his nose nudging against your covered mound. You made one last effort to fight, kicking out your legs to push him away but Andy caught them, turning you on your side and delivering a sharp slap to your backside that had you gasping in pain and shock.

“Don’t be a fucking brat. You have to be a good mother to our child. You need to learn obedience to teach obedience.” He scolded you, pulling down your shorts and panties in a quick move. You sagged helplessly, not fighting anymore as Andy stripped off his own clothes. Any other day you would have appreciated how good he looked for a man his age, but now all you registered was how huge and strong he was, how easily he could overpower you.

He pulled your legs apart, baring your pussy to his hungry eyes. To your mortification, your folds were wet with slick, the curls on your mound glistening with the evidence of your arousal. You hid your face in embarrassment, unable to watch as Andy placed a kiss on the hood of your clit.

“Beautiful” He said breathlessly. “Absolutely gorgeous. Jacob never deserved you. He wouldn’t know how to handle a girl like you.”

With the first contact of his tongue, you bit your lip to stifle your moans. No man had eaten you with such passion before, as if you were a feast prepared for a man starved for years. Andy took his time exploring your pussy, opening you up like a flower before nudging his tongue in every fold, every crevice of you. He slurped and sucked, using his lips and tongue and teeth with such precision that you didn’t realize you were howling openly in the air now.

He eased one finger inside your entrance, lips pulling at your hard nub in a way that shot tingles up your spine. You fisted the bedsheet, twisting this way and that, unknowingly thrusting your pelvis in Andy’s face who could feel you were close.

“Let go darling,” He urged, “let go for me. Cum!”

You snapped, your back arching as you spilled around his finger that was clamped tightly in your velvet heat, his mouth greedily collecting all the moisture with relish. Pleasure left you lethargic and you didn’t react as Andy crawled up your body, kissing you while he coated his huge tool in your juices.

“Andy” You softly whispered, falling into a daze as he entered you slowly. Your still pulsing channel was snug against his cock, the hair at his base rubbing deliciously against your clit. He was way larger than his son and you felt full in a way you had never before.

“Your pussy belongs to me. You belong to me from now.” He promised, moving in and out of you at an agonizingly slow pace. He made your feel every ridge of his cock that rubbed against your spongy walls, he had you giving a high pitch screech every time he hit bottom. The mattress under you bounced with the movements of your body and your hands found themselves around Andy’s neck.

“I just want to be a good mother. I didn’t ask you for this.” You said, unable to keep your moans inside as he went faster.

“You need a strong man who will give you a family. Our kid will grow in a house of love. I will love you both and so will you.”

You tensed as he teased your clit, twiddling it with his thumb as he hit harder and deeper. His eyes were fixed at your entrance, watching enthralled as he went in and out of your body. The sounds of slapping skin and squelching fluid that dribbled down from your cunt to the bedsheet echoed around the room, and soon, you were falling again. You came with Andy’s name on your lips, both a curse and a prayer as you felt him groan and twitch inside you.

His warm cum painted your walls, marking you as his. He stayed in for sometime, holding you possessively close to his sweaty body until you were sure you smelt like him. He pulled out, appreciating how him cum flowed out of your abused hole and he smiled. Softly kissing your forehead, he gathered you in his arms and pulled a sheet over your slightly trembling frame, soothing you with gentle caresses.

“I knew it the moment he brought you home to meet me for the first time. You were too good for him. He never loved you right, never treated you like the princess you were. But now I’ve got you. You’ll wake up to coffee and breakfast and lazy kisses in bed, you’ll come home to a comfortable house and a dick that will give you a show of heaven. I’ll love you like you deserve to be loved. With reverence and devotion.”

He left you, coming back to clean the mess between your legs gently. He fed you himself, wiping every tear with a kiss until you stopped crying all together. Looking at him, the man who had violated your trust and body with equal parts of force and love, you wondered for a moment how drastically your life would change now.

You did not want him to accompany you inside, but he did. He snatched your report from your hand, keeping a hold over your waist until you went back to the car. Sitting beside you on the driver’s side, he tore open the envelope and pulled out your blood report, falling backward with a long sigh.

“What? What is it?” You asked, quickly taking it from his hands and reading. The paper crinkled as your fingers dug in it, tears of pain building in your eyes.

Negative

Not pregnant

It had all been for nothing. You didn’t have the Barber’s heir inside you and last night Andy had taken you by force for nothing. You crushed the report, wiping at your eyes and found his gaze on you.

“You fucked me for nothing.” You spat acidly, frustration and pain clawing at your heart. “I am not pregnant. And I am going.”

Before you had ever turned to open the door, Andy was pulling you roughly to himself, hauling your struggling body over his lap.

“You’re not going anywhere darling. You’re mine now. I’m not pathetic like my son. Unlike him, I will put a baby in you.” He growled in your ear, kissing a hot trail against your neck. You shook your head, looking at him in disbelief.

“But – but I’m not pregnant.” You said again, hoping he’ll understand.

“I know baby” He cooed, “but soon enough, you will be. Let’s go home and make it happen.”

[dollslayer]

Fight or Flight

Steve Rogers x Reader

Summary: Steve comes clean, in the aftermath and shock you turn to the one person who you know you can trust.

W/C: 2,369

Warnings: Implied cheating, angst, swearing

A/N: Hello! I wrote this for @sweetlyscared 's 1k celebration (congrats, it's well deserved!), prompt is in bold. I'm still pretty new to writing and this is my first true Angst fic so any and all reblogs/comments are super appreciated! Please check out my other stuff if you liked this fic!! Cheers!

PART TWO I Masterlist

____

The feeling of everything crashing around you was slow. Like your world was moving in slow motion as you processed the words. Everything else he was saying became distorted, going to waste as he tried desperately to explain himself to you. All you could hear clearly was your own breathing while you tried to will yourself to do something, anything.

Fight or flight is a funny thing, you were always so feisty and eager to fight back, A Bulldog, Steve had affectionately called you. But when he told you he was in love with someone else, that he has been in love with someone else for months, your body couldn’t find anything in it but to walk away.

Your breathing picked up and your eyes searched the ground, refusing to meet his. You felt your legs raise you up to stand and start walking away, unsure of your destination. When you pivoted to leave the room your eyes met his briefly, staring emotionlessly as his desperately searched for anything at all in yours.

“Where are you going? Doll, please, can we talk about this? I’m, I’m so sorry I-”

Whatever else he was saying wasn’t heard over the noise of opening the door and shutting it behind you. You didn’t know where you were going or what you were feeling other than the obvious. You were in a state of shock, it’s one thing to hear awful news and another to understand that it’s true but you were fastly approaching that truth head-on.

You paused for a moment in the hall and heard no movement come after you. You almost let yourself be surprised but he’d admitted he gave up on you a long time ago, so it only makes sense he wouldn’t fight your exit. You kept walking and tried to hold the floodgates of your heart closed for a bit longer.

Flashes of what was said come back to you slowly as reality sets in. “I can’t put this off any longer. I want you to know that I will always love you, but there’s someone else.”

Your head hurt like it would as if you were already crying, the blood pumping in your ears and pressure building in your temples that would no doubt evoke a long-standing headache. Your face felt hot as you stepped into the elevator, maybe you’d go for a walk in an attempt to fend off your tears. Or maybe you’d walk to a safer place to have an emotional breakdown. Whichever is easier.

Brisk gusts of air greet you as you exit the building, making you realize you left your jacket on the arm of the couch. You took a second to evaluate yourself and noticed you’d also walked out in your house slippers and a thin pair of leggings. Trying to evade the cold you tucked yourself in the doorway of a bodega down the street and dialed Bucky.

Two rings and he picked up.

“Hello?”

“Did you know?”

The silence on the line only reminds you of the blood pumping in your ears. The silence tells you everything you needed to know.

“Liste-”

You hang up.

You’re breathing even harder now. Who else knew? For how long? How long was I the joke? You need to find somewhere else to be soon or all these strangers are going to get an eyeful of a grown woman sobbing. You dial the last number you’d expect to at a time like this.

“What’s happening, shortstack?”

You can hear Tony’s grin through the phone and his easy greeting gives you momentary comfort.

“Can I come over? Something happened.”

“I’ll let Jarvis know to let you in” Tony’s tone is understanding, not needing you to explain further, just letting you know you can come to him.

____

Tony’s only seven blocks from yours and Steve’s shared apartment, a fact you’re grateful for when you feel your feet aching every time they hit the pavement. The conversation replays in your head, you try to word what happened in your head and your anger starts overtaking the heartbreak. It’s almost a welcome reprieve from the settling heartbreak but you’re not sure if you’d rather be numb to it completely.

When the elevator doors open Tony’s waiting for you with two tumblers of scotch in hand. You shake your head and move past him to the couch. He joins you on the opposite armchair and sets both his elbows down on his spread knees, resting his face in his hands.

“Would you like to talk about it or not talk about it?” He asks with a sigh.

You don’t make eye contact with him so you don’t cry, choosing to focus on the Iron Man coffee table book you’d gotten as a gag gift for Tony all those Christmases ago. It almost distracts you enough to laugh, the fact that he just has it out. But you need to tell someone what happened and get it all out before you can let yourself feel it all.

“Steveisinlovewithsomeoneelse,” You rushed it all out in one breath afraid if you didn’t get it out fast enough that you’d break. “He has been for months. He said he doesn’t know when it all changed but when he was with her things just clicked,” you paused to collect yourself, “But don’t worry, I’ll always hold a special place in his heart and he hopes this won’t affect the future of the team or our friendship.”

“Oh, and he’s really sorry.” you added.

You laughed bitterly and shook your head in disbelief. His delivery had been so cold but so sincere, very to the point but pained in its delivery. “I just, whatever we had, it’s just gone. Things are just different now, with her, this kills me though, please believe me. You’re still really special to me.” Bullshit. Special enough to act as a placeholder until someone better comes, special enough to cast aside.

You’re broken momentarily from your spiral into anger by the sound of a glass hitting a coaster a little too hard. Looking up, you find Tony quietly seething. He and Steve aren’t close by any means so you figured that he wouldn’t have known, it’s why you called him over anyone else.

He moves slowly to your side on the couch and pulls you into his side. You can smell his aftershave and what you think might be burned grease from one of the many things he’s been tinkering with in the lab, it smells like him, like comfort.

“That fucking asshole. Unbelievable, I don’t even…” He leaves the thought unfinished.

His hands move up and down your arms in a soothing motion and you finally let yourself have it. You don’t even realize you’re crying until you feel the tears wet his shirt when you bury your face in. You sniffle up tears and snot when your face heats up.

There’s no way to know how long Tony lets you sob into him, no doubt ruining his vintage Depeche Mode shirt. Somewhere in the back of your mind you make a mental note to buy him a new one later. But for now you’ll just allow yourself to cry and you can deal with the world in the morning.

____

Tony lets you fall asleep on his chest, feeling somewhere between furious and heartbroken by proxy. He thinks about letting you sleep and giving Steve a piece of his mind but figures that’s not what you need right now. Your phone sits on the table and he touches the screen to check the time. No notifications on your homescreen except for a missed call from Bucky and an old photo of Steve making a funny face as your background.

Had Steve not even tried to call you? Had he not even tried to go after you? Why was Bucky of all people the only one to be trying to get a hold of you? Prick.

Selfishly Tony is glad that he has a good reason to be rude to Steve now, he has to admit. You two had always been close but when you and Steve started dating he saw less and less of you. He couldn’t fault you for it though, you were so in love with Steve and you knew that the relationship between the two of them was strained so you kept your distance a bit.

He thought of all the sacrifices you’d made for Steve. You gave up your childhood home in the Bronx that your parents had willed to you to move in with him because he wanted you to be closer to the tower. You gave up a promotion and transfer to DC when you were still just an agent, granted you were an avenger now but it doesn’t matter, he’d made a very big deal out of you turning it down. You gave up the friendship the two of you had.

It was incredible, really. How much you had done for him only for him to turn around and love someone else behind your back. Brave enough to fight aliens and terrorists but too cowardly to break up with you and leave you with some dignity. Did anyone else know about this?

Tony had to stop himself from getting too angry, afraid he’d wake you up. So instead he went back to plotting up schematics for the half-finished suit mod he’d been in the middle of when you called.

____

It’s been a week and you still haven’t properly talked to Steve. After two days on Tony’s couch you need to look at things from a logical stance. Where am I going to stay? It’s not like you had your parent’s place anymore and you didn’t want to sign a new lease on an apartment. You could always move into the tower but that meant a higher chance of running into Steve.

You were thinking about all of this out loud to Tony when he offered you the guest bedroom in his penthouse. You were shocked, he’s always been a generous man but after you drifted apart from him you were surprised he even let you stay these past few days. Maybe now was a good time to rebuild your friendship with him and have some space from work.

What’s work going to be like? You agree and go on a temporary leave from the team, just a month to collect yourself. If you really wanted to you could go back but the thought of seeing everyone that knew about Steve’s affair was humiliating and enraging in one go.

It turns out Sam had been playing therapist to Steve in all of this, Nat figured it out through some sleuthing, and Wanda had inadvertently heard his thoughts about her. And none of them thought to tell you? To save you from the anguish but to let it fester? Steve wasn’t the only one that betrayed you. They all had.

What will I say to him? Should I say anything to him? Turns out the answer was ‘nothing’. You texted him to let him know you were moving out and you’d be by to get your things as a courtesy. You walked into an empty apartment and you were almost relieved.

He’d chosen to not be here but he’d left you a letter on the kitchen counter next to a framed photo of the two of you on vacation last year. You scoff but don’t touch the letter. Every ounce of restraint you have is being used as you leave it untouched. But you don’t need to know what excuses or apologies he has on deck, nothing he could say would exonerate him of his wrong-doings. You had no intentions of speaking to him but secretly you hoped he suffered as he stewed in his guilt and inner-turmoil. He deserves to.

When you pack you leave every gift he ever gave you, taking only what you’d brought with you in the first place. You take one look at the unmade bed and almost go to make it out of habit but then you think of the two of them there together. All the long missions you went on without him, all the times you stayed late at work or went out with your friends. How many times had he been here with her while you were there?

You end up only leaving with two suitcases and a backpack full of things. Tony waits for you in the lobby, understanding you wanted your space when you went to get your things in case Steve was there.

The elevator doors open to him taking a selfie with a couple of fans and shaking hands. He’s all too happy to be recognized but when he sees you his eyes soften. Not out of pity, but fondness, like he’s proud of you for getting out.

He sends you a questioning look with a silent question. Are you okay?

You smile at him and for the first time in days it’s a genuine, non-placating, happy-to-see-you smile. It’s okay, I’ll be okay.

He takes one of your suitcases from you and helps you load them into the back of the car before opening the door for you. The drive back to Tony’s is silent but comfortable. The trust you have in each other is strong and unspoken. Something you’ve always been grateful for between the two of you.

He doesn’t ask you about Steve or what happened, always letting you come to him first, which you appreciate. And when you talk he just listens. No bullshit unsolicited advice about moving on or how everything happens for a reason or getting back out there, just listens.

You know the road ahead is long and it will be difficult, but you have someone in your corner and the knowledge that what happened isn’t your fault and that you’re a badass and fuck Steve Rogers and fuck anyone else that did you wrong in all of this. Maybe you’ll forgive them someday but for now you’re gonna focus on you and work on building yourself back up. You’re ready for the ups and downs, you’re ready to fight.