#I just don't conceptualize sex and romance in ways that make that make sense to me

[redhoodinternaldialectical]

...you know I really shouldn't be surprised that most of these resulted in Talia bashing...

But still that's a massive RIP, there's so much to explore here!!!! and oh boy 'good dad Bruce' as the juxtoposition is p a i n f u l

I basically never write kid fics or anything like that but I'm ngl I've got a whole scene stuck in my head of Talia coming to Jason with baby Damian and being like "Okay we both know whos kid this actually is but I need you to be on board with saying that it's Bruce's because my father can't abide an 'illegitimate' heir to his throne surviving, and neither of us can give the kid a life worth living entirely on the run" or something like that and her reasoning and Jason's compromises to try and get to be there for the kid while not screwing everything up is really interesting to me so like...

Maybe I will write it someday!! After all, clearly if we want something done right we're gonna have to do it ourselves lol

You know, I'm kind of shocked I've never seen any "Damian is secretly Jason's bio kid" aus or theories, like sure the timing is a little off? But honestly you don't have to fudge the numbers all that bad to make it work, and that kind of logistics never stops any of the other secret birth parent stuff lol

Idk I think there could be something very compelling in the messy dynamic of

Talia: protector, guide, mentor, (frequently my best and only) friend, mother of my child

And

Jason: my husband's child (his Frankenstein's monster) whom I tried to heal and turn from the path of pure vengence, ...friend(?), ...ally(?), father of my child

Like that is a really interesting place to start developing a co-parenting relationship from! Not to mention all the fascinating wrenches that could throw in all their other adjacent relationships, including of course with Damian himself

I'd also be super interested in seeing their kid be Damian's younger sibling bc it'd be such a great opportunity to explore how Talia would handle protecting and raising this new kid knowing what she knows now about the challenges that Damian had to face due to his family. Also would be fascinating to foil Bruce and Jason against each other with how Jason would react to being a father and getting to see their different parenting styles

(also as always i just enjoy scenarios in which Talia gets to have someone who's genuinely loyal to her with no ulterior motives)

[rollercoasterwords]

Fanfic writer asks — 4, 5, and/or 20!

hi!!

4. Share a headcanon about (character name) in (story title)!

left it open not sure if i'm mean 2 do this for one of my own stories or just any story...suppose i will take this opportunity 2 weigh in on the reg birthday debate & say that i see him as a capricorn. could perhaps be convinced of virgo as well...but that boy is not a cancer sorry

5. Is there a tiny detail in one of your fics that you feel goes tragically unnoticed?

not sure if it's something that's been noticed/brought up before but i don't think it has...i love a full circle/mirrored ending moment so in atydsp the very first line is him being awake + the very last line is him falling asleep <3

20. Is there anything about any one of your fics that you have been dying to discuss but haven’t had the chance to?

oooh idk...honestly zar has been getting quite a few voicenotes recently abt different parts of wfrau so there has been quite a bit i've wanted to discuss lol but some of it is just stuff abt the lily interlude + epilogue that i can't talk abt without spoiling...

i guess one thing i've wanted 2 discuss/one thing that's been interesting to see is (again) the way people have responded 2 the whole james/lily/regulus ambiguity...like i know that much of this fandom revolves around shipping etc but sometimes i've just wanted 2 be like it's not happening!!!!!!!! how can i make it more obvious!!!! but then again that's just part of putting ur writing out there in the world like someone can read something & interpret it completely differently than how u expected regardless of what u do...remember one person commented talking abt how they loved the polyamorous rep w james in wfrau & i was baffled bc in my mind i was writing him as aromantic...also was interesting seeing people expecting jegulily bc i thought i'd done a pretty good job writing reg + lily as platonic lol. also has just been interesting in a broader sense to see the different ways people think abt + interpret sex vs romance...like the idea that james enjoys sex but doesn't find it romantic isn't all that crazy to me bc sex & romance don't necessarily go hand in hand in my own life like. sometimes u just hook up for fun u don't have 2 be in love...but for some people those things r very tied together & it's difficult to conceptualize a guy who just wants to sleep w his friends! so that's been interesting 2 discuss...like the whole expectation that where there's sex romance must follow etc...

one other thing i've been wanting to discuss is like. r&s as they currently stand lol sent a whole long voicenote abt this the other day so have already gotten some of it out of my system but. it's interesting again seeing the amount of feedback from people who really wanted them 2 reconcile + have a happy ending at the point where things currently stand/the conclusion of the main story--or who are holding out for a happily ever after, etc. like to be fair their story has changed a lot as i've written it & i didn't know when i started the fic that the main story would end as it has. that being said ever since the obliviation became a key part of the story i've known that r&s simply would not be getting back together after voldemort's defeat...like sirius genuinely does not love remus anymore bc how could he! he doesn't remember him! they're practically strangers! & remus doesn't wanna give sirius another chance bc why would he! after all the hurt he already went through! knowing that the person in front of him now is essentially the guy who killed the person he loved & took his place! or perhaps more accurately is equivalent to the reanimated corpse of the person he loved...came back wrong narrative etc...u get the point (hopefully). anyway it just seemed clear to me that reconciliation would not be in the cards for them & it felt like brushing past that or trying to patch things up would detract from the emotional impact i was going for...perhaps even diminish the depth of the feelings they did, at one point, have for each other--like, it's only because they cared about each other so much that things are so unfix-able now. of course i do have my interlude + epilogue left 2 play around w but also bc i am mean + contrary + like making people sad every comment of someone being like "please make them happy :((" makes me want to not do that lol

& last thing is just a fun detail abt james that i'm not sure if anyone's noticed...putting it under a cut in case anyone wants 2 put the pieces together themself but a fun little detail abt his death:

james's recurring nightmare abt a bright light + his boggart being that bright light was him seeing his own death <3 bc he lost his ability to see color the 'avada kedavra' didn't look green to him; it was just bright light. & that was the last thing he ever saw! fun <3

fic writer ask game

[risualto]

5, 28 and 19 from the Ship Creative Process Asks, please! (Though feel encouraged and welcome to skip over any questions you're not feeling.)

Thank you for asking <3

5. If your OC's relationship involves a gender or orientation different to your own then how confident did you feel about exploring or writing this? If your OC and the character(s) with whom they are in a relationship are the same as you in terms of gender/orientation then was this a conscious decision? The vast majority of my OCs are bisexual, and this is a conscious decision on my part because I'm bisexual (pansexual? idk what we're calling it anymore but gender doesn't matter to me, nor does it matter to most of my OCs), and I want to write bisexual characters. That said, there are some who aren't, like Yrrce who is straight and Nickolai who is sex-repulsed ace. I think Theresa Silbruck is my only cishet character, now that I think of it. I didn't find her particularly difficult to write just because she's not attracted to women. The most difficult aspect of writing her romance was that she has a very...well, romantic view of love. She believes not only that fairy tale endings exist, but that she is a princess who deserves and will get one, whereas I take a more pragmatic approach to things, and that was a difficult thing to capture.

When it comes to writing characters of a different gender, I honestly don't really believe I'm very good at it yet. Many of my male characters tend to feel a little too feminine because of my own inherent biases. And no matter how empathetically I try to write characters who are nonbinary, the best I can do is synthesize on information I read and hear from people who have lived that experience because I haven't. I hope my attempts feel at least respectful, but I always wonder what little threads of truth I'm missing.

19. Do you have a sense of how your OCs relationship will evolve in the future? Or is it quite a fixed in terms of dynamics and story? This entirely depends on whether I am the primary author of the work. For characters in original fiction, yes, I have an idea of where their relationships will go and end up from the outset. Sometimes details of that change as I'm writing, but I tend to have a story I want to tell through the character that informs their arc from beginning to end. If my OC exists in a canon that isn't mine, especially one that is still in progress, then no. I don't plan things from the start unless I already know every beat of the story that's happening. For example, my BG3 character, Haven, was initially supposed to romance Astarion, but ended up sort of having a flirtation with Wyll that didn't work out, ultimately bungled Astarion's romance path due to my not knowing how the game works, and then died at the end of the game--but may possibly still end up romancing Wyll as an angel of death, kind of. That's 200% nowhere close to what I thought would happen. With my D&D characters, too, I'm happy to let the story be a thing that informs their choices rather than making choices to inform the meta.

28. Is there something you historically felt (or still feel) awkward about describing in terms of your character's relationships? Whether sexual acts, bodyparts, pillow talk, romantic declarations or using the "L word". How did you overcome this (if you ever have)? Well. There's a reason I've never actually published any smut. And it's because I feel like I'm quite bad at writing things that are actually sexy because I don't really...conceptualize of that feeling in a way that lines up with how I see others write and talk about it, 90% of the time. I worry my sex scenes, whenever I've attempted them, read as too mechanical to be immersive. Someday, I will bite the bullet and start publishing so that I can actually hear people's feedback and reactions, but today is not that day.

I also think I struggle a little bit with effectively differentiating between romantic and platonic love without straight up using the words, "I love you," which I consider a weakness in my writing. I want to get better at this, and I like to think I have? But I'm not sure if that's because I have the added context of things like ship tags, where the reader enters the story understanding already that the intention is romantic, as opposed to a more traditional book where the reader has to interpret for themselves exactly the quality of the characters' feelings.

[myopicry]

(love that this blog is essentially me rambling and complaining in a very first world problem way but hey, isn't that what tumblr is for?)

self-flagellating self awareness aside, I do think it's very funny that when I realized I did not want to have sex with men and was not actually very attracted to men at all, I immediately attached myself to asexuality as a label since based on my experiences (which had been exclusively with men) I felt so sexually and romantically dissatisfied and ended up pretty sex-averse because of it, and I just felt so awkward and unnatural with the whole process of dating that I decided I was definitely aromantic and asexual because I probably felt that way towards everyone! yeah that makes total sense!

because there was no way I'd ever want to date a woman, that'd be way too subversive and totally didn't match my personality at all, and since I'm uncomfortable with porn and the way sex is portrayed in most media, I probably wouldn't want to actually sleep with a woman (even if I have fantasized about it and would be happy to participate if the opportunity naturally arose in some way...) and man, wouldn't a future with a woman be so unattainable even if I wanted it, since I won't come out to my parents about anything because that notion terrified me? and hmm, I am obsessed with male attention, which probably has nothing to do with internalized misogyny and my lack of social development as a child. also, I'm definitely not a girl so I can't even be gay like that, and I'm not really interested in sex with trans women** so that's probably not very lesbian of me-

sooooo turns out repression and internalized homophobia goes a long fucking way lmao

living in a male-centered world truly messes with your brain like nothing else.* I was somehow convinced that just because I wasn't attracted to men, it meant I would never feel love ever in my life because what else is there? actually being able to truly put men out of my mind and life recently has made some things a lot easier. I used to not be able to picture a future version of myself and the life I could lead, which I once thought was wholly due to a "gender thing", but now, being able to conceptualize a life full of love and romance exclusively with women suddenly clears a lot of the mental fog up, and I find myself being able to actually want something in the future. I want to find love with a woman, I want a girlfriend, I want a wife. I want to build a life with her.

I still have a lot of growing to do as a person, obviously. turns out building a self-esteem actually takes... effort! crazy, I know. but now I can move forward with an assured mindset where I don't have to pretend like the concept of love is stupid just because I don't understand it (yeah. I did think that for a bit... along with wanting a qpr... which. well. I have a lot of thoughts about internet asexual culture that are far too jumbled at this point to be any kind of meaningful blog post so maybe some other time lol) because I finally have some kind of life full of love to look forward to.

*I'm sure the internet didn't help much with this either. my generation does love simplifying every lived experience down to aesthetics since social media has made us so damn obsessed with personal branding and the like, and the wlw/soft sapphic culture and aesthetic I saw a lot of in these internet spaces really didn't work for me as I'm not really into such feminine rituals or makeup and dress-up aesthetics. kinda bleak that for a generation and culture that promotes diversity, we love boiling things down to easy stereotypes and consumerist tropes instead of embracing real lived experiences... **aside from the obvious, in reflection I think my lack of attraction here also majorly falls on the fact that a lot of trans women adopt a hyper feminine image to pass and as described above I think my type and interests just naturally leans away from makeup products and "dolling yourself up" so it wouldn't really work out based on what patterns I notice in the presentation of trans women

[pretensesoup]

Queer books, day 31/30

Turns out I like writing about books in this format, but I read a lot more slowly than I write.

I asked on Mastodon for everyone's favorite romance novels with an NB character in them. Partly because I'm in the process of writing my own NB character and I wanted to see how other people had dealt with sex scenes (in the anatomic sense). Partly because I just wanted to see how anyone else conceptualized nonbinaryness*. That request led me to Sword Dance by AJ Demas. It only sort of answers my questions, but that's okay because it's amazing.

In an alternative version of the Mediterranean, Damiskos is an ex-soldier (now disabled) and current quartermaster who has been sent to visit an old friend (Nione) to secure a contract for fish sauce. At her house, he meets: a bunch of tedious philosophers led by Eurydemos (who seems to preach a very anti-alien, anti-LGBTQ agenda, and yet is writing poems for...), Varazda (a sword dancer and eunuch from Zash, another country in which Damiskos was once stationed and for which he harbors a deep affection), Varazda's "owner" Aristokles, and a few others. Quickly, Damiskos surmises that all is not as it seems--first, he foils an attempt on Varazda's life, and it becomes apparent that the relationship between Varazda and Aristokles may be a lie--in fact, they are conspiring to hide something far greater than the fact that Varazda is not actually a slave. Soon, Damiskos is teaming up with Varazda to solve a murder, then to avert a war and recapture Nione's villa from the philosophers. Oh, and falling in love.

Varazda is an interesting character. He (Damiskos's POV is the only one we get, and he uses male pronouns for him, although he says he thinks of himself as both male and female) was made a eunuch after his father lost a military engagement of some kind. He was then enslaved for a while, until he was sent to the Zashian embassy in Boukos, and then he was freed. This is obviously a major source of trauma, and Damiskos is in a unique place to appreciate that because of his time in Zash. As a result, Damiskos is extremely careful in their nascent relationship to let Varazda lead. Their relationship is very sweet in part because of this deference, and they deal with consent very well.

Key quote: (Varazda has been discussing how he doesn't always achieve an erection because of being a eunuch.)

Rather boldly, Damiskos said, "Want to see if we can make it happen again?" Varazda looked up in surprise. "What--right now?" "Yes, of course right now! Immortal gods. We're sitting on your bed, talking about how beautiful you are and whether or not you like sex--it's surprising I even need to say anything." "I am literally a eunuch, First Spear." After that they were both laughing...

As you might have guessed from the summary above, this is a world in which there is violence, homophobia/transphobia, and slavery, including sexual slavery. Women have some rights to own property, but they aren't voting citizens. The implication, reading between the lines, is that in the world generally, same-sex couples aren't too uncommon, and it's just Eurydemos's students who have a problem with them. (Eurydemos and his students reminded me a bit of Socrates and Plato, but of course Plato doesn't care that much about same-sex relationships, c.f. that one story from Symposium that got turned into a song from Hedwig and the Angry Inch. But I've been privileged to hear some angry Jesse rants about Plato since doing the podcast, and it reminded me of that. Anyway, as Plato says a lot, philosophers with bad opinions were a dime a dozen back in Athens, so.) Also, warning for explicit on-page sex.

*: Is Varazda nonbinary or is he gender fluid? I don't know. At one point, he says, "I never really think of myself as a man, but most of the time I'm quite happy for other people to think of me that way." Elsewhere, he implies that he doesn't want to be neither male or female, so he tries to be both. Maybe genderfluid is a better word for him. Maybe he can't articulate exactly how he feels, because he's not speaking to Damiskos in his first language, or because there isn't a word for how he feels. Either way, I enjoyed the way the character was portrayed.

That's it. Lots of action/plot, a good amount of romance, very engaging, love the setting. 10/10, go read it.

[ch0sene]

it's so hard for me to describe my halsi.n's feelings on romance/sex/kink because he's so anti-label but like... he sees sex/kink as fundamentally conceptually distinct from deep emotional connection and partnership, but they can be combined to great effect. he happily plays and/or sleeps with friends; it's fun, it's natural, it doesn't have to be Deep like that. he has none of the hangups about that that others might. that's part of the reason he doesn't view his time in the underdark as traumatic - it wasn't a huge deal to him because sex isn't a huge deal to him. he would compare it to like... putting up with wearing a uniform you hate to go to work. folding sex into an established dynamic is not what makes it a romantic partnership to him (not that he would label it that way, but i digress) and i resent the fact that the game implies that. it's that deeper level of connection/devotion, which... he's three hundred and fifty years old, he knows how to separate immense gratitude from that feeling, thank you. "you've just come in and solved both the massive problems plaguing me" does not a romance make - it earns his undying loyalty and fierce friendship, sure, but it doesn't automatically make him fall in love? (don't get me wrong, it puts him well on his way; he's very attracted to the traits tav demonstrates to get there, wit and courage and unflinching compassion even when it's hard, but he has the sense to wait on it until he can untangle the two a little.)

[asexual-society]

Ok I hope this doesn't come off sounding stupid. So I'm a sex-repulsed Ace. But I am alloromantic.

I feel aesthetic and intellectually attracted in a romantic sense but feel strongly sensually (I think that's the word - cuddly, holding hands, etc.) Platonically.

Like I would rather hold hands and cuddle with my best friend than my boyfriend. But I don't feel romantically towards my best friend, and do toward my boyfriend.

Does that make sense at all or am I reading the relationships /terms wrong?

I have no desire for sex in either aspects (I can't even watch/read it, I could never even think about ME doing it).

It's like my platonic and romantic receptors got switched? My platonic is super strong and loyal and clingy and almost desperate, and my romantic is just kinda chilling, it's definitely there, it's just... Almost less important than my platonic feelings.

IDK it just doesn't seem... Right.

That makes total sense (and you're totally using "sensual" right, don't worry)! Because of how our society lumps together forms of attraction and behavior, it might feel "wrong" to want to cuddle your friends or chill with your romantic partner, but that's perfectly fine!

Romance =/= sensual, clingy affection, just like how romance =/= sex. Not feeling sensually attracted to your romantic partner doesn't mean that somehow your codes were "switched" or "aren't right."

Likewise, friendships can encompass any type of attraction or behavior you want them to -- like you, I also get very cuddly and feel very loyal to my friends! Your relationships are yours to define, and in whatever way you choose to do so, there will be people willing to match that.

Re: romance being less important than platonic feelings -- that's okay. Valuing your platonic relationships over other bonds is fine, including over romantic feelings or relationships.

^ I'm putting the above in bold because this can be really difficult to unlearn, since our society is so strongly built around the "relationship ladder"* (or sometimes referred to as the "relationship escalator") which dictates that all human relationships can be put into a hierarchy where "stage" of feelings = "stage" of behavior, and unsurprisingly, there isn't much space for more "chill" romances or more "strong" friendships. Most of us don't fall into this ideal, but it still has a lot of sway in how we conceptualize our relationships and what is acceptable or not acceptable. But it doesn't have to be this way!

Part of the benefit of breaking down attraction into sensual, aesthetic, intellectual, etc parts is that you as an individual get to define when and to whom you feel attracted in those ways. How they align, or don't align, with romantic or platonic standards doesn't matter.

-- mod banshee

*I couldn't find the original article about this, sadly... I also do not recommend googling this term, there's a lot of... debatable corporate-weird stuff out there.

[aroaceconfessions]

In the spirit of self-discovery I am starting to think about how as a romance neutral person I can still be romance repulsed in some ways. As for myself, I think I could probably swing a romantic relationship for someone I really cared about. Like I don't love the idea of kissing but, sure, I could probably kiss someone. (Theoretically I would mind having sex LESS than kissing which in my head doesn't make any kind of logical sense but perhaps that means I am not any kind of logical person.) Holding hands is definitely on the table. And I really enjoy fictional romances quite a bit, even if romance is something I don't want. BUT even though a lot of aspects of viewing romance are fun, I also get really squeamish about people confessing and displaying their feelings on tv. I always thought it was second hand embarrassment because I think weddings are like very embarrassing conceptually (you have to tell people your feelings in public??? No!!!!) and there are certain other things that aren't romantic that I also find uncomfortable (like parents singing a song to their children--embarrassing!!). BUT the fact that sometimes over-the-top expressions of affection are sometimes so awful to watch that I have to leave the room because I can't handle watching. Is it fair to call that romance repulsion?? Am I just awkward??? I know for a lot of people romance repulsion sometimes relates to trauma or shame I guess? But also I am just wondering if romance repulsion is just a thing that kind of happens sometimes and isn't like, a condition. Idk

[laufire]

#not sure I could ever write the one night stand angst right tho#I just don't conceptualize sex and romance in ways that make that make sense to me

ñaksdlfjasf perfect, you can do something with the damian-as-jasons-son idea, and I could go with the oc (original child) and explore the one night stand angst (right up my alley lol).

You know, I'm kind of shocked I've never seen any "Damian is secretly Jason's bio kid" aus or theories, like sure the timing is a little off? But honestly you don't have to fudge the numbers all that bad to make it work, and that kind of logistics never stops any of the other secret birth parent stuff lol

Idk I think there could be something very compelling in the messy dynamic of

Talia: protector, guide, mentor, (frequently my best and only) friend, mother of my child

And

Jason: my husband's child (his Frankenstein's monster) whom I tried to heal and turn from the path of pure vengence, ...friend(?), ...ally(?), father of my child

Like that is a really interesting place to start developing a co-parenting relationship from! Not to mention all the fascinating wrenches that could throw in all their other adjacent relationships, including of course with Damian himself

I'd also be super interested in seeing their kid be Damian's younger sibling bc it'd be such a great opportunity to explore how Talia would handle protecting and raising this new kid knowing what she knows now about the challenges that Damian had to face due to his family. Also would be fascinating to foil Bruce and Jason against each other with how Jason would react to being a father and getting to see their different parenting styles

(also as always i just enjoy scenarios in which Talia gets to have someone who's genuinely loyal to her with no ulterior motives)