#I just can’t. handle it right now
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i wish it would all stop
#i feel like i have no control and it’s all too much and i’m drowning in work i’ll never keep this up for two years#i just wish i had someone to talk to. it’s stupid i have friends yes but i don’t have anyone i could go to#i wish i could stop overreacting i’ve been doing it so much recently#I just can’t. handle it right now#a year ago i would’ve been fine but i’m so emotionally delicate right now and one small change and i have a panic attack for an hour#and i’m sonbing and screaming worse than i have for years like a fucking baby#i wish i could stop feeling like this#i wish time stopped a year ago#i wish i was in the same headspace i was then#this isn’t sustainable#it will all crash and burn i can’t keep this up#i wish someone could tell me that it will be all ok#i wish i could tell someone all this stupid shit i’m keeping inside me#i wish i could actually fucking trust people to be there for me#i just want to be okay again#it was all going so well why did it have to go wrong i was doing so well i was doing so well#i wish o could exist without thinking about how much fucking work i should be doing#i wish i could turn off my brain some other way than just scrolling mindlessly for hours when i get home#i wish i didnt hold myself to such a high standard l#i will be the death of me#gonna hide this with a bunch of reblogs now#i just need it to be out there#somewhere#i’m so fucking emotionally stunted that i treat a poli//whirl teddy like my best fucking friend#im pathetic
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Guys guys guys guys guys do you see who is standing next to Alastor!!!!
It’s Vox!!!!!!! 🤯
#hazbin hotel#alastor#hazbin hotel vox#radiostatic#staticradio#hazbin hotel spoilers#Oh my god oh my god oh my god were they friends at one point???#Something more???#Vox probably asked him out on a date and Alastor was like nah#and Vox was like from now on you are my enemy 😂#homie really is an incel 😂😂😂#I mean this explains it Alastor doesn’t hate post-1930s tech just vox 😂#i can’t handle this#I need season 2 right now!!!
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I think a big misunderstanding is the power people give Curly to actually change things about the way the pony express operates or could’ve done things on the Tulpar.
We are talking about a company that docks pay for bad synergy despite mandated psych evals that should tell which staff members would work well together, only allots for 5 hours of sleep despite having literally no other tasks to truly do and locks all resources behind the access of one person. The last one is likely to manage resources and make it easier to justify collective punishment and blaming one person for it; someone needs something in “excess” or the captain gives in? It’s all on them your pay is docked. Instant resentment.
It’s insidious how the company works, it’s by design to distract you from coming after them, to force tensions to line their own pockets. With all the restrictions and forced interactions, altercations are bound to happen. 5 hours of sleep a day, limited sources of entertainment, no real tasks… the monotony alone would cause bad cabin fever, mix that with just only one absolute mediator and you get the exact environment that allows shit like in the game to happen.
The idea he could just complain and try to throw his weight around to get them to dig into their pocket for the crews comfort is laughable and misses the predatory and dehumanizing aspect of capitalism the Pony Express represents. Curly was and is still just another asset to them. Being a top show pony doesn’t mean he’s anywhere close to the actual top. He is the top of the working ladder, not whoever’s in corporate, he wouldn’t even be on the bottom step unlike what Jimmy perceives. The resounding recommendations he would get are almost mocking as they throw him out like nothing just like the rest. Being a shitty fucking company, how much do you bet they’d mean anything anyways, especially since he wanted to leave the field all together.
He made a fuss and they didn’t listen, he says he should’ve done more but you can tell he knows it wouldn’t have changed anything. Jobs like this are willing to make a sacrifice if it means even a penny more. Curly makes a bigger fuss they likely would’ve just found an “unrelated” reason to fire him, hired a more pliable guy or, terrifyingly, promoted Jimmy. The company was failing, going to shut down whether anything happened on the ship or not. But knowing that they were shutting down and that everyone, including him, would be out of a job with this being their last paycheck, he had to factor in not destroying the last bit of their financial stabilities combined with every other issue on the vessel and his own. He gets another cryopod or locks and then he has to break to them that they are not only fired but there will be substantial cuts to their paychecks due to the “upgrades” (things that already should’ve been in place on their part) on top of anything else that could be docked along the way.
You can blame him for saying it so early into the trip but then again, if he mentioned it later who’s to say it wouldn’t have been worse? On the capitalism side alone how would people in a galaxy away from home, out of a job and already stir crazy react? Don’t get me started on how Jimmy would have reacted if he realized he only had two days left to fix what would be a very hard to miss “problem” in his head…
I can’t even consider explaining this as devils advocate because it’s just facts of the world we and they live in and factors that heavily affected the situation. People are just so quick to make claims on the ease of the choices when P.E literally makes it hard to choose to do anything but suck it up.
#this is also like a sort of point that while I wanted Curly to do more for Anya I realized he would have to jeaporsiE the crews safety in#some way like if they needed the cryopods one person would be left without one and like it would be curly he’d offer but don’t think any of#them would be happy or feel okay with letting him die over a rapist? he kills Jimmy and now he has to stand trial and be arrested for murder#because it’s not self defense or manslaughter like they could obviously lie but he wouldn’t let them do that in case of a sort of black box#or guilt on their mind specifically with Daisuke who would likely be kept out of the loop not to mention it’s a dead body with a limited#likely recycled air supply so again he’s getting tried for murder and they are down a cryopod#not to mentions again the fact that you need a copilot like I know like aviation law and shit is crazy and like not common knowledge#but you bed a second set of eyes or someone to trade off with so you don’t loose ur concentration or doze and crash#like they don’t just sit their and do nothing like Jimmy probably did some of the time cause Curly likely didn’t want to make him#cause like pissed off and spiteful Jimmy manning the controls even if just helping is not something he wants to deal with and risk their#lives but i digress I genuinely think the biggest flaw of Curly’s in the situation is being a man who could not handle or understand the#emotional gravity of what Anya experienced especially at the hands of someone who he was also#emotonal/mentally mistreated by and wanted to so badly to believe was his friend and improving#like he did not offer her enough or the proper emotional/physical security he could’ve as a captain nor friend but in that it goes right#back to the systems at play that make it so he isn’t meant or supposed to understand so it can’t be perpetuated and blah blah blah how many#times do I have to explain systematic oppression to certain groups in this fandom and it isn’t cut n dry of good guys bad guys and victims#as outliers of the tow categories l#mouthwashing#captain curly#mouthwashing game#curly mouthwashing#the pony express#The Tulpar
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I just got baldurs gate 3 a few weeks ago and ITS SO FUN AAA I’m already 100+ hours in and I haven’t even got past act 1 🙈✌️ here are some doodles of the save files I’ve created so far w/ my gf! 😼
#bg3 fanart#bg3#baldur's gate 3#bg3 no spoilers#pls no spoilers y’all look at the levels of my characters so far#these are also only half of my saves hehe#I will DEF draw the other half at some point I rlly love my lil durge drow x shart run#do not comment on how many durge runs I’m doing idc#it’s so fun actually#this game is so fun to play w/ pookie I can’t believe I didn’t play it sooner#and by play w pookie I mean she handles all the combat while I watch the cutscenes like it’s a tv show#I actually bought the game for her since she’s a huge dragon age fan#but then I got really into the story hehe now she can’t play it alone 🤓#ugh it’s so hard having a hot gamer gf#baldurs gate fanart#karlach#astarion#lae'zel#artists on tumblr#digital art#my art#art#digital portrait#fanart#dragonborn#are these just dnd ocs#I’ve never played dnd before but bg3 is like the same world right#dnd ocs#githyanki#bg3 durge
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Saw that once scene from Challengers and now I think I’m bisexual
#I just got done transgendering I can’t handle this right now#I’d like boys if they kissed each other more
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It’s easy for people to criticize protectors for how we react to perceived threats —
Some of us get defensive, some of us get loud, or completely freeze up, or run for safety, or suddenly collapse and can’t move, or become mute, or have extreme fawn reactions … and to the outside, it seems over the top.
Or maybe you think it’s not fair that we saw you as a threat because you got angry and yelled. Maybe you think it’s childish that we sprinted out of the house or scary that we kicked into “fight” mode.
We had to identify threats fast. We had to do what it took to survive. To protect our system and our physical body and mind.
And we can and should learn to react more proportionally. But our instincts aren’t ridiculous or made to victimize you. They made sense in the traumatic environment that created us. They’re the only reason we’re still here now.
We still fall back on that because it worked and we survived.
#actually did#actually dissociative#osddid#sysblr#dissociative identity disorder#did system#actually osdd#sbc system tag: thorn 🥀#I am the ‘angry’ protector#I’ve been learning how to handle conflict better#I know I can’t just flip out on people#I know trauma isn’t an excuse#for losing control#but right now#someone is mad at me#for identifying their behavior as threatening#and removing myself from the situation#because I knew I was triggered#and I couldn’t control my response#so I left#and then tried to talk about my concerns later#and this person#is PISSED#purely because#I was seeing red flags#and even though I stepped away and left the room#they’re upset that I was triggered by them#I’ve seen people get upset#when Casper or Lyka run away and hide#saying it’s childish
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There’s going to be a live action.
Heheh… I THOUGHT THAT WAS A JOKE FROM THE BEGINNING OF THE YEAR NOT ACTUALLY REAL.
Writing quality will be anywhere between hunted or skybound.
Casting as a whole might actually have to be the canon looks for everyone.
Everything within me is screaming about the casting because it can go inline with fandom thinking, or very wrong. And we’ll be stuck with it. We don’t have to justify design headcanons but once that comes out I see potential for more harassment over it because of the canon looks.
#I could be over thinking this#but also I’m not handling this well#I’ve just enjoyed seeing the variety of design differences we can have purely because every character is a little yellow person#I’m including the Morro and Jay thing#ninjago#all of this is peacock leak level shit here#the casting for the other movie has scarred me for life and I’ve lost trust in recasting for certain characters#looking specifically at Jay because to me that voice was so off.#and nya slightly that one made me feel like she is just naturally one of those#… I don’t know how to say it other than the film trying very hard to frame her as a tomboy#nothing wrong with that peruse#just felt a little too ooc#that peruse is per se I just can’t change it right now
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On a bad OCD/lack of assurance day, I just LOVE when Facebook recommends a post to me from The Chosen and my brain is like “Oh look, Jesus looking lovingly at Matthew. Don’t you wish you could have that 😌 Well. You can’t. Sucks to suck.”
#I stopped watching that show because emotionally I Could Not Handle It#It is just so overwhelming to me that I can’t do it#And this is just another reason why it’s probably not something I can or should watch#at least right now#Anyway#I Would Like To Be With Jesus#Because He Is Everything To Me#Whom have I in heaven but You? And there is none upon earth that I desire besides You#Etc etc#My journey
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Me at the Republic Commando video game: Love it, 10/10, Delta Squad is magnificent, sucks that we never got a sequel.
Me at the Republic Commando book series:
#star wars#star wars republic commando#republic commando#I adore delta squad#I have a toxic relationship with that series where I should really just put it down and walk away but I just can’t#it’s gotten to the point where I can only make it a few paragraphs before setting the book down and doing something else#this is a an unnecessarily complicated way of explaining why I haven’t updated my repcomm readthroughs in a while#I will get back to it but right now I just can’t handle how it makes me feel
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starting to think maybe waking up with an anxiety stomachache every single morning and then needing to spend the entire day trying to get rid of said anxiety just to maybe have a few minutes in the evening of feeling relaxed before going to bed is perhaps not normal
#the first thing i do when i become conscious is check my phone to make sure nothing terrible happened to anyone i love while i slept#i never ever ever have plans and if anyone Else has plans i feel sick with anxiety until they’re back from them#if i have smth planned that week i feel completely tense and on edge until it happens#i didn’t used to be like this i hate hate hate it#i used to feel safe in my little house in the forest where i knew everyone in town and knew my way around with my eyes shut#it’s still the only place in the world i feel safe. that’s so unfair#my separation anxiety is ridiculous. if my mom goes to the store and doesn’t answer a text right away i start panicking#if my sister goes to a class or smth idk what to do with myself until she gets back#if i’m in the shower or have the fan on or headphones in suddenly i’ll think i hear someone shouting and i’ll have to quickly turn it off#ever since i moved here it’s been getting worse. i don’t feel safe here to begin with i feel so out of place it’s unreal#but then covid and trauma with my mother’s health and my uncle dying and multiple relatives getting sick and things happening to my friends#i know i have ptsd from very specific things that happened and i live on a hospital path so every day i hear sirens#and every time i do it fully triggers an anxiety attack in me for at least an hour. and my mom too#since being here my hometown burned and friends i thought would never grow apart did and my brother moved out#i know a lot of that is just Being In Your Low Twenties but also some of my worst trauma has happened in the last handful of years and now#now i’m just always scared. always uneasy. always worried. never fully relaxed. never feel fully safe. & idk how to be myself through that#i’m always paranoid and i never trust people irl anymore. ppl my mom or sister meet. i am so suspicious of them constantly.#if anything small changes at all i can’t handle it. my ability to deal with change has gone so downhill#in the last 5 years of being here i realised i was autistic which led to me unmasking a bit and that. comes with pros & cons doesn’t it#my own health has declined. my body changed a lot in ways i wasn’t prepared for and i had to get rid of most of my comfort clothes#sometimes i just wanna sit on the ground and cry about it and not have to also be the one that picks myself back up. y’know???#but at the very least i’d love to just wake up One Day w/o feeling sick with anxiety already. just one day i want to wake up feeling rested#i want to be myself again but can i start with not being scared? not being tired? i don’t know what to do anymore#i just watch my comfort videos and read my comfort fics and stay in my daydream world
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so it’s not enough for me to struggle mentally i’m also feeling the worst i’ve ever felt physically :)))
#this is my villain origin story#been to the ER twice the past two weeks that’s how bad it is :)#i‘m going to fucking kill myself it’s not even getting better#first i had a 40C/104F fever for D A Y S#then i got an antibiotic and at least the fever went down#BUT :)))#i got a cough and it was that bad that i started coughing up blood#at some point i just started throwing up cause again.. the cough was so intense#and if you think that’s all#no no no :)#right now i have a horrible allergic reaction to the antibiotic i mentioned that i haven’t even been taking since a week#i’ve got a HIGH dose of cortisone which i’m done with too now and it pretty much did nothing#like i guess it saved me from dying (yippie yay thanks now i just have to suffer more) but the rash isn’t just still there its worse#i can’t handle this shit#literally going insane#i need a fucking break#if one (1) more thing is thrown at me i‘ll just start sobbing#personal
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where’s the love for the writers out there writing your heart out for a fandom of three and a half people i love you
#anyway im trying to write something for a comic that doesn’t even exist yet lmfao#like me and one other person will get it#but im also having a good time so 🤷♀️#im trying to give myself a goal of just 500 words per day#just get some words out#get those neural pathways back#they’re still in my head i can feel them#i just have to map them out again#and i can’t do that if i don’t write#anyway im probably not gonna go back to the fics i was working on before the accident any time soon#i just can’t handle that level of concentration right now#buuuuuut im heavily thinking about doing a rewrite of an old fic i love#i think that would be an easier entry point#thanks for all your guys’ advice though i highly appreciate it#fan fic talk#sulley speaks
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When a bad day at the end of a few bad weeks turns into being terrified you’re getting worse and terrified you’re never getting better
#vent#<?#I’m not doing too hot if you couldn’t tell#disabled#tourettes#mobility aid#when not being able to decide which leg feels worse right now turns into using both canes at once and then spiraling slightly over the#implications of that#I swear I’m normally positive about these kinds of things but the last few weeks have just been hell and the thought of becoming more disabl#disabled than I already am is terrifying to me#as much as I’m usually normal about this. I don’t want things to get worse. I don’t want to have to face the possibility of the things I lov#love being taken away from me because my body has decided it can’t or won’t handle them#I’m so tired.#edit: this is ok to rb btw
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Really don’t want to quit my job but like I need to quit my job
#don’t WANT to quit my job I like working in the store but anything and everything else is just downright intolerable never should’ve agreed#the problem is is that I don’t know if I have it in me to find another job at the moment and also I have proven myself thoroughly incapable#of handling things that require either speed or relatively quick learning and like there’s not gonna be much else out there for me I dunno#what to. do. because I can’t keep doing THIS this is miserable spend all day every day obsessing and worrying and dreading and i didn’t even#WANT to do it in the first place but I agreed because oh my god holding your ground just takes so much energy and I was so so tired#was right near the end of school and I was also so busy and hungry and falling asleep running on self hatred and a dream frankly#and I figured id be able to figure it out at least!! I generally do!!! and most things are tolerable if I can figure it out but now I’m in#ocd hell and everything is demeaning and embarrassing and crowded and FRUSTRATING and I want OUT. thank you.#tacit rambles#vent
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#but actually can you guys say a prayer about teaching for me?#I know it’s mostly because it’s the end of the year#but a lot of stuff is just forcing its way to the surface#and basically it’s just me struggling with my natural strengths as a teacher and the boundaries of appropriateness that are necessary#to maintain it#like first of all. the beast that is my anxiety compounds everything and makes it so scary and terrible#secondly I thought I had. Like. A total handle on all of it#Teaching and boundaries I mean#and of course I do not#and part of it is that the anxiety that always kept me within the right lines is just shifting and changing#and I’m just distanced from some of the stuff that used to keep me grounded#like my family right now!#the new adulthood is adulting!#anyway like. I am not doing anything inappropriate or close to it (sounds like I am when I deny it lol)#but I am aware in a new and newly exhausted way of the absolute dangers#of being the kind of teacher who uses all of my personality etc. to wake kids up#And make them respond#but then still have to want to need to keep certain boundaries up#And I’m trying to figure it out but of course I CAN’t Do it perfectly#and then it’s so hard when your personal life is so hard and you’ve just gone through so much change in such a fast period of time#And it just feels like everything is spinning#and your heart aches and you’re tired and you just feel like you’re right at the center of all this emotional chaos#and all these people who wanna pull you off course and get you to cross certain lines#and some of the lines are just weird and arbitrary boundaries you put up to protect yourself when you started teaching at 23#Because you HAD to#So you can take some of them down and it’s fine but then there are some boundaries you know you need to keep up#And it’s more subtle than the black and white stuff re: appropriateness#Just the stuff that protects you and makes it easier to be the kind of teacher and influence that you want to be#and just trying to figure it all out while you’re exhausted and it’s the end of the school year#it’s just a LOT. A lot a lot
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My roommate and I had a conversation last night and I keep rotating it in my brain and I Don’t Like It
#blue chatter#they called me a resilient person. and no the fuck I am not. I break down so easily over everything and my body is falling apart on me.#I scream in terror when someone knocks on the door too hard the fuck you mean I’m good at handling adversity#I pointed out that I freak out whenever my grade gets low even a little bit#and they were just sitting there like ‘yeah. and then you pick yourself up again and you do the work.’#and no? not always? oftentimes I give up and don’t try hard enough to fix it and let points go that I could have earned#I barely ever go for extra credit opportunities and I’ve never gone to office hours of my own free will#I can’t even think about talking to a professor about a bad grade without wanting to cry? hello?#but they were insistent that even with those things I am still managing Incredibly Well in class given the circumstances. which made me#uncomfortable. like. I don’t think of myself as resilient At All and I feel a bit like I’m lying or tricking them.#I start shaking like a chihuahua when people are upset and I’m In The Vicinity. even when they’re clearly not upset with me.#I really struggle to advocate for myself ever and even when I do I usually feel guilty and walk it back partway so I don’t cause a fight#and I always get way too emotional for the situation when someone has anything they’re upset with me for. which isn’t fair to them bc I need#to be able to take constructive criticism without taking it as a personal attack on me.#like what the fuck do you mean *resilient*. I can’t even handle seeing a bug flying near my face or getting a B in a class. or being told#that I did something wrong. I’m actually significantly worse at handling adversity than I used to be. high school me was a resilientish kid.#and it’s not like I was ever *good* at handling my emotions. even when it was essential for my safety. I’ve always cried way too easily#even when it actively made the situation I was in Much Worse. even when I knew better.#I would get angry and scared and sad and start shaking and crying and even screaming at my parents when they were mad at me even though#I knew that it would always make my life much worse. and extend an already beleaguered argument.#I brought this up with my therapist and she was like ‘well. anybody would have done that if they were treated like you were’.#which. okay. maybe so. I still feel like I should have been able to handle it and just shut up and move on and not make it worse.#but I am aware that this is probably a cognitive distortion. even so. that definitely doesn’t make me resilient.#I just. I feel gross being called resilient. I’m not. I’m weak and easily scared and unable to handle even small amounts of adversity.#the fuck is my roommate even *seeing*.#the annoying part is that they’re generally an insightful person about other people and I know logically that they’re probably right#which is why I’m not going to complain any more about this to their face bc I should just drop it and not make it a Thing#I talk too much about myself and my problems anyway. not every conversation has to be about my brain worms.#but the discomfort is Distinct and Unpleasant. and now I’m just having to sit with it. and Feel Uncomfortable. and try to accept what was#definitely intended as a compliment. I know it’s draining to talk to someone who doesn’t accept any of the kind things you say about them.
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