#I honestly don't feel like the relationship works with so much trauma and lack of trust.

[the-genius-az]

Azula: *behaves normally*

Her omega: *leaves*

Azula: WHAT THE FUCK? *hallucinates people, cuts off her hair, growls at everyone like a rabid dragon*

Her omega: *comes back*

Azula: oh, hi, I love you, please don't leave me.

It can be cute, it can be sad as in "Azula has abandonment issues". She reacts quite strongly to her omega leaving (just like she didn't quite react well to Zuko leaving, since he was still a platonic mate back then, but she had to hide the effect of part of her pack leaving like that.

I really love the Fire Hazard Siblings and would have a whole fic about them being platonic mates but not quite a required situation.)

She doesn't kill him, but she's very smug about it and about how Mai needs the total of one time with her to get pregnant and Zuko had months/years and there was no pups in sight. Let's say Mai's parents kinda push her towards marrying Zuko – since he's the crown prince (no, in this AU it doesn't matter if Zuko isn't an alpha, it matters that he's the firstborn). Maizula is an open secret but at the same time everyone assumes Tyzula is the endgame exactly because Mai's parents say she'll marry Zuko.

She'll never trust anyone fully. And by anyone, it does include Mai (she'll love her and will mate her and have kids, but full trust? Not with all of Azula's trauma).

Details about The Boiling Rock is coming in a separate ask.

Azula is like a cat owner when said cat is comfortable. You'll be in pain for the whole week, but you do NOT move.

- Ash 🔥🍌

Thanks for this, Ash!

It can be cute, it can be sad as in "Azula has abandonment issues". She reacts quite strongly to her omega leaving.

It makes me sad, come and pay me for the psychologist.

She doesn't kill him, but she's very smug about it and about how Mai needs the total of one time with her to get pregnant and Zuko had months/years and there was no pups in sight.

Did Mai do anything about it? I mean, she took pills to avoid having Zuko's babies?

Let's say Mai's parents kinda push her towards marrying Zuko - since he's the crown prince.

And? Did Mai just do what they wanted? Didn't he fight for the love he has for Azula?

Maizula is an open secret but at the same time everyone assumes Tyzula is the endgame exactly because Mai's parents say she'll marry Zuko.

What does Mai think about her Alpha being paired with Ty Lee? And Ty Lee's opinion?

She'll never trust anyone fully. And by anyone, it does include Mai (she'll love her and will mate her and have kids, but full trust? Not with all of Azula's trauma).

Are there no problems in the relationship? Doesn't Mai feel like Azula is so sad or doesn't she fully trust her? I wonder what he thinks when he sees or hears Azula cry.

You'll have to come and pay my therapist, He'll know about you, Ash!

[wosofutbolfan]

Remember, Remember

Alexia Putellas x Explorer!R

Sometimes being in a relationship with someone from a different culture can be hard, but so worth it.

3rd part in the Explorer! Verse. Pt 1 and Pt 2 can be found here.

Fluff. 10k.

We're officially in October and the leaves are crunchy so we're here for the Autumnal vibes. Again, this is a complete vanity piece, and may only make sense to those Brits out there but should be readable to everyone. For those who don't know what Bonfire Night is, good ol' wiki can help, here.

People wanted more of the team involved so this is my attempt at that!

I'm trying to get into my short fluff era but here we are 10k words later. Honestly, those people who can write short, snappy pieces, take a bow.

3rd part in the Explorer! Verse. Pt 1 and Pt 2 can be found here. Again, all can be read alone but are better together.

For those interested, this is the song playing in my head when I wrote this. Did I mention my dreadful taste in music? James Blunt is king.

You threw another log on the fire and with a sigh, moved back and settled more deeply into the rattan furniture you were sitting on. You lay your head back and take in the stars scattered on a blanket of darkness above you, smoke plume rising gently and disappearing into the inky abyss.

With the crackle of the fire being the only soundtrack to your evening, you noted the changing of the season in the crunching of the leaves on the patio, and the lack of cicadas chirping which had become the soundtrack to your new life in Barna.

It had been a few months since your accident.

You called it an accident.

Alexia called it an inevitability.

She hadn’t quite shook off her anger whenever reminded of what happened. She would turn quiet and mutter in fast-catalan to herself, something you learnt she would only do if she was really annoyed and didn’t want you to understand her; “neu estúpida, que fins i tot necessita veure tanta neu de totes maneres”.

But you had learnt the best thing to do in these situations would be to bundle her into your chest and give her your previously injured hand which she seemed to find comfort in massaging, as though reminding herself that there was blood running through the veins.

You’d apologise, and you’d thank her over and over again.

You knew she was never angry, she was scared.

But, you’d both worked through her fear and your trauma, you’d mended physically and mentally. Both going to therapy, surprisingly, after Alexia has insisted on it.

The usually stern captain was a massive advocate of the counseling, finding it helped her during her injuries and time away from the pitch.

You needed more convincing, talking to strangers about feelings did not come naturally to your keep calm and carry on attitude. 

You were much more inclined to put on Paddington 2, lay on Alexia's lap whilst she played with your hair and pretended that she didn't know you were crying.

But after one-too-many nights waking up with a start after feeling trapped by your blankets, or on one bad occasion, shoving your girlfriend out of bed when her arm slung across your stomach had felt like a vice suffocating you, you had agreed. 

For her.  

You’d do anything for her.

You knew Alexia was relieved, with the shadows disappearing from your eyes. She told you that you had your spark back.

You think she was just happy she didn’t have to keep being the small spoon. 

She did miss Paddington 2 though. She loved that damn bear.

You both found your rhythm. And you settled into domesticity that you never expected to adore so much until you met the blonde and you know… almost died.

Alexia looked at you every day like she couldn’t believe you were standing in her kitchen, or settled onto her couch when she returned from training.

It melted your heart every time that look was directed your way, and it tugged on your heart strings when you imagined her coming home to an empty house when you were on an expedition, worried about if you were dead or alive.

You swore to yourself that you would never let that image become a reality again.

But.

You had itchy feet. Naturally. You hadn’t changed that fundamentally as a person, and you knew a jobless, housewife in a high-rise city centre apartment you were not.

So, one day, you had sat Alexia down and held her hands in yours, and told her you needed a job.

“You do not need a job mi amor! I look after us, and you stay safe, I like it. me gusta cuidarte.” she’d proudly exclaimed, practically puffing her chest out like a caveman. You couldn’t help but roll your eyes at her.

“Of course I need a job, love. I am not making a life of walking around Barna, watching football games and being a beach bum.”

“I like your beach bum.” she’d retorted, childishly whilst you swatted her wandering hands.

“I know you do bebe…” you’d straddled her lap then and looped your hands around her neck, playing with her baby hairs at the nape of her neck.

You knew she loved that.

That was confirmed as her eyes fluttered closed at your ministrations. “But I want to build a life here and I know what I want to do…” 

“Yes Mi Amor, anything you like, I will help you. I have contacts. I will support you in what you chose.” she’d giddily replied, seemingly doing a 180 on your career decisions once she realised it was a part of you cementing a life in Spain.

“Well you know, I’m kinda really good at what I do…” you saw her face drop slightly, though she quickly recovered, “well… what I did… you know. And I still love it, that will never change even after… everything…” you felt her squeeze your waist tighter at that. “but my skills outdoors, survival, foraging, working knots…” 

Well.

She couldn’t deny that. - you had accidentally become barca’s unofficial shoelace captain after you’d tied Mapis boots once for her when she’d dislocated her thumb, and they had to be cut off. Suddenly you had a whole teamload of girls queuing up for your services, headed by your girlfriend.

She was the only one who got a kiss on the knee as you finished up though.

Alexia immediately declared it a pre-match requirement.

“Si?” she asked, somewhat desperately.

“So I am thinking. I would like to join the British Army.”

A breath of silence, a beat, maybe not even more than 3 seconds until…

“Si crees que voy a aceptar que te unas al puto ejército, estás literalmente loco!, No, No, Absolutely not.” she was up now, you tossed aside as she started pacing… whilst you were on the couch…

Laughing your arse off.

“Que. What is so funny tu idiota?” she took a pause in her pacing, her stern face directed directly at you, hands raised in despair.

“I’m only joking Ale!” you giggled to yourself, wiping tears from your eyes. “Come get back here you big oaf.” you dragged her back into your embrace.

“You are not funny.” You could have camped on that bottom lip as she pouted.

“I am a little funny.” you'd bantered, showing a measurement of how funny you thought you were with your forefinger and thumb, which she pushed together with a huff.

But you noticed that she didn't let go of your hand.

Softie.

“Ok not funny my love I’m sorry. No, never the army. I do not want danger. Or travel for months at a time.  That part of my life is over.”

“sí, lo es” she’d mumbled.

“But, I do still have the contact urge to be outdoors. To share what I know. To show people the world.” you spoke with so much passion that she couldn’t help but nod. It was that same spark that she fell in love with.

“So, I have spoken to Mario…”

A smile appeared on her face. God. She loved that guy. He was a lovable rogue and she loved when he and his tribe of kids would join you at games. Sometimes she’d secretly watch you from the tunnel play with them whilst you all waited for the game to start. It made her heart flutter as they clambered all over you.

“... and he’s up for it too. If we go into business together. Guided tours and expeditions. Like how we met. But permanently. It would be based here, in Spain, and obviously I would be travelling but no more than a week or two at a time, and it would all be very low level and safe. Nothing big…. But if it makes you un…”

You were abruptly stopped in your rambling by her lips on yours.

“You don’t have to ask my permission mi amor. But I support you. It sounds fantastic. Perfecta para ti.”

You knew she’d support you but you still felt like a weight had been lifted off your shoulders. 

“... but not. Like… exactly like the trip we met on. No? No falling in love with other women, si?” 

You’d burst out laughing at the ridiculousness of your girlfriend at that. “No, my love, never.” you’d muttered into her lips.

As you sit now, in your tree-lined garden on the southern edge of the Montseratt national park, only a short commute from estadi johan cryuff, you couldn’t really imagine a more perfect life.

You’d moved away from the city not long after you’d built your business. Turns out alot of people want a tour that a record-breaking explorer was running, and that's how Christopher Colum-Tours became a massive success.

You were booked for years in advance.

Mostly because you made sure you took so few, but well paying jobs. You thought the name was hilarious, when Alexia didn’t you were sure it was lost in translation.

She assured you it was not.

You’d mentioned it in passing to her that you needed more space to store all of your kit, but you didn’t expect her eyes to light up and to wake up the next day with 20 different house viewings booked.

She was literally buzzing with excitement, dragging you around Spanish villas on the edges of Barcelona, pointing out coving and brickwork. You'd never been fancy, you didn't care.

Until you walked into the last house on the list. And you knew you would build your life there.

It was on the southern edge of the national park, more modest than the others you had seen but views from the master balcony were endless and beautiful. It was surrounded by forest and its garden wasn’t as sculpted as you’d gotten used to in these multi million villas.

It was a wild garden with a natural-styled pool and a built-in fire pit.

It blended into the landscape it was built within.

Alexia has found you on the balcony, giddy about beams and authentic features, and all it had taken was one look in her eyes before she was squealing with glee “It's this one isn’t it amor!”.

Alexia had tried to pay outright cash. But you had refused. You both went on the mortgage and you loved that, that piece of paper connected you.

When you tried to explain that to her she’d lovingly rolled her eyes, “only you would see the good side to tens of hundreds of euros worth of debt and interest, Mi Amor.”

But you knew that meant she agreed. And she loved you.

So no, you couldn’t really understand the melancholy that was settling over you at the moment.

You’d just returned from a trip to England for your brother's birthday. Even though you now lived in Spain you’d been able to go to more family events than ever before, with your lack of travelling the world. 

You made the journey across every few weeks, usually when Alexia was away with a game or the national team. And you’d loved being more dependable to your family, with your nieces and nephews, being a part of their growing up.

Maybe that's why you are a bit sad now. It's November 3rd. The Spanish air was crisp but you couldn’t see your breath in the air like you could in England. The smell was all forest and fresh air. The days are still bright. There wasn’t a lingering fog in the evenings, or the smell of burning sulphur with the symphony of rogue fireworks being set off until the early hours.

Because this week was your favourite week growing up.

Mischief week, the firemen who visited your school had called it.

The week between Halloween and Bonfire night when kids lost their minds, hyped up on sweets and adrenaline. Bonfire displays all around your village and fireworks bursting the sky into life. You’d go to the cricket club display every year, warmed by the bonfire and cider. You’d eat toffee apples and hotpot. You’d spend the rest of the week sitting in your living room with the lights off watching the sky light up.

Usually you didn’t even notice what you were missing out on. But you had a home now. And you felt a little sad to be missing out on the festivities that your family group chat was organising.

But Alexia had just returned from National Camp. And she was always a bit down when she returned. Even if she pretended not to be. So you wouldn’t have delayed your return to Spain for all of the world.

You’d picked her up from the airport in your battered truck that she pretended she hated, spent a cosy evening together sharing food and soft kisses.

She’d gone to wash the plane off her whilst you wandered to your favourite part of the house and built a fire.

You tried to not drown in your own melancholy as you stared skywards. You heard the sliding of the patio door and you didn’t need to open your eyes to imagine your girlfriend making her way out to you. Cup of tea in one hand and ginger tea in the other. Scuttling barefoot with a blanket draped over her head adorably, muttering about you insisting on being outside. 

And when you felt a warm mug pressed into your hands you knew your image had been correct, you couldn’t hide your shy smile as you felt a kiss being dropped to your neck as she settled on the other side of the garden furniture, legs draped into your lap. You enjoyed the warmth of her legs as you continued to look skyward.

You didn’t realise how much time had passed until you felt Alexia sit up next to you and stroke your hair behind your ear.

“¿Qué pasa mi amor?” she’d whispered into the silence of the evening. You turned your head towards her, “Nothing, love, sorry I was just in my own world for a second there.” you smiled at her, reassuringly.

“en tu propio mundo…” she muttered to herself, struggling for a moment with the translation. “Ah, well. I thought so, usually I don't need to even think it before you’re massaging my knee, I was practically kicking you there carino and nothing.” she’d laughed lightly, as you flicked her playfully on the nose, whilst still moving your spare hand under the blanket and digging into the flesh of her calf, glad she’d asked for what she wanted.

“Let me in ti mundo, mi amor. What's on your mind.” she asked, lovingly, whilst laying back down, suppressing a groan as your hands manipulated the tissue around her knee cap, digging into the tightness that you found there with practised ease.

“Nada, soy buena.” you’d replied, purposefully timing your reply with a particularly satisfying knead just under her kneecap, making the beautiful blonde groan loudly, “Shhh, Ale. You don’t want to give the neighbours a show.”

She lightly kicked out at you at your teasing comment, rolling her eyes, “We don’t have any neighbours idiota, unless you count that molesta goat that you insist on feeding when he turns up in the garden.”

“His name is Billy and he’s my friend. You keep Billy out of this.” you allow a beat of silence, “And he’s not a goat he’s a mountain goat, he’s manly, don’t upset him…” you raise your voice “Billy if you’re listening ignore her she’s being mean!... Hey! Ale stop kicking me! I am not a ball.”

“You're trying to distract me.” she says, plainly. “What are you thinking?”, the way her eyes look at you with so much love stops any lie that was on the tip of your tongue.

“It’s silly…” another huff from the side of you, “I’m just missing home a little but thats all.” you admit, and her face drops. “No, not home, sorry, England. Home is here with you. Obviously.” you panic, you don’t want to upset her, Alexia is home. 

You don’t know what's come over you but you can’t stop speaking, 

“It’s just this time of year, it's my favourite time of year that's all. I never missed it when I was away, I didn’t have time to. But now I feel so at home here. With you. That it just feels a bit weird to not be doing what I did growing up and if we had kid…” you stop yourself, eyes widening.

Her smile is breathtaking. Her eyes light up and it's all teeth. But she gives you an out.

“And what would you usually be doing at this time of year, mi amor?” she asks,

“You know… Remember, Remember, the 5th of November…” you trail off, speaking in that rhythmic way British school kids are taught. Her blank expression makes you continue “...gunpowder, treason and plot. No? Really? I’m sure I was taught he was Spanish.”

“Amor, you are speaking in riddles. Help me here.” she asks, with a laugh teasing her lips.

“It's Bonfire Night, Guy Fawkes Night, Fireworks Night… whatever you call it.”

“I think Amor, we call it a Thursday Night.”

“Oh. Yeah, no of course. Sorry.”

“Why are you apologising to me? Tell me about it. Tell me what you’d be doing.” she asks, so genuinely that it cracks your heart wide open.

So you do, you tell her.

You tell her all about what you were taught in school. About Guido and his gang of conspirators, about parliament, about gunpowder and about the plan to blow up the King. You tell her about hanging, drawing and quartering, laughing at her squeamishness. You feel yourself getting giddy as you wrack the corners of your brain trying to remember all of the story you were brought up on. 

You tell her about penny for a guy, about kids sitting outside shops with their effigies for pennies, you tell her about your dad setting off fireworks in your street, almost blowing himself up, and then your mum insisting you go only to the official bonfire at the cricket club from that year onwards and watch the effigy being burnt on the enormous fire.

Alexia listened with rapt attention, and as you stopped for breath she spoke; “esperar, esperar, so let me get this correcta. Some guy 500 years ago tried to blow up cortes generales, so they graphically and publicly murdered him… and you celebrate that, as a country every year, by… kids begging and burning him on a fire you all go stand around?... In November?”

“Si.” you reply, with a smile and a nod, eyes moving back skywards.

“Estás todo loco” she laughs.

And you suppose it is. A bit mad, when you think about it really. But you were feeling a bit sensitive and a bit… mocked?

You felt like how you feel when someone would name-call your brother on the playground. You can do that. He’s your brother. But someone else can’t. Because that's your brother.

Alexia can’t mock your traditions. They’re yours. God knows you’d bit your lip throughout all of hers. I mean. If you could get through the explanation of a literal model of a pooping Alexia on your Nativity last year you felt like maybe she would get this. You even graciously accepted your own Canager from Eli with a smile.

You took a moment, a deep breath, you knew you were being sensitive, out of character. 

You knew usually you’d join in with her laughter, maybe tickle her and have a fake argument about it just as an excuse to make up. But you weren’t really feeling it today.

“Well, let’s agree to disagree, yeah?” you turned and smiled, you moved her trouser leg back down under the blanket, gave her knee a pat and moved her legs off you to stand. Whilst she looked up at you in bewilderment, with wide, curious eyes.

“I’m gonna get to bed love, I’m really tired all of a sudden, going to get my head down before I wake myself up again, you okay sorting the fire and locking up?”

She nodded, lost for words for a moment, practically having whiplash at the mood swing. You didn’t let Alexia lock up, or sort the fire. They’re your jobs. Always have been. Keeping you both safe. So she knew you were upset.

“Amo…” she started but she heard the patio door slide closed and moved to throw some sand onto the fire. She noticed your mug of tea on the arm of the sofa where you’d been sitting.

And when she saw that it was still half full she knew. 

She’d fucked up.

—-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“....and then she said, estemos de acuerdo en no estar de acuerdo, and went to bed! And Mapi. She left her tea!” Alexia explained, desperately to her best friend, the next morning at training.

“...It’s only tea Ale.” Mapi tried to reassure her, “It means nothing amiga I am sure.”

“No, you don’t understand. And she was asleep when I went to bed and it wasn't even 10 minutes later. And then this morning, she was still asleep. She’s never still asleep. You know her Maps, she's up with the sun and…” the midfielder lowered her voice further,

“she always makes me a coffee with the cute foam heart and she didn’t but maybe she’s just tired, I thought, but then I looked and I saw she must have been up that morning because there was food out in the garden for that stupid goat… so was she pretending to be asleep to not speak with me?”

Alexia's voice got more and more panicked as she rambled on.

Mapis' heart melted for her friend,  the panic in her face reminded her of the Ale who used to pace the changing rooms with her phone cemented to her hand waiting for word from you. Of the Alexia who missed games because she made herself sick with worry that you were dead somewhere. She hadn’t seen this Ale for a while. She needed to help.

“Keira! Come here!” Mapi shouted over to the red haired midfielder.

“Mapi! Shh. Don’t! What are you doing!” Alexia hissed,

“I think this is a British problem, Ale, we need an expert.” 

“Well, why shout across the room? Lucy is standing right there.” Alexia pointed to the defender who was currently pretending her shin pads were lightsabers.

“Lucy thinks she’s Spanish.”

Alexia hummed. 

Fair point.

“What's up guys? Skip? Why do you have that face on?”

“Say the thing Capi. You know… the spell thing.” Mapi painfully nudged her captain in the ribs… “Que?... Oh…. Remember Remember the 5th of November....”

“Gunpowder, treason and plot, I see no reason, why gunpowder treason, should ever be forgot. Yeah? Why are we doing nursery rhymes” Keria recited, without a pause. Looking at them both, curiously.

“See it is a thing!” Alexia exclaimed, hitting Mapi over the head, “tell her what happened Capi.” Mapi asked, as Keira settled between the two.

As her story came to a close Alexia began to finish up… “and then she said we should ‘agree to disagree’” at this Keria winced but gestured for her skipper to carry on “...and then she went to bed but didn’t finish her tea.” Keira audibly groaned at that, moving to grab the taller girl's shoulder.

“Sorry Skip, In British ‘agree to disagree’ means, ‘I’m really upset but I don’t want to talk about it’ and well… I think it's a crime to leave a cup of tea. She must have really wanted to get out of there.”

“But why! I don’t know what I did!” the blonde groans into her hands.

“We’ll figure it out, amiga” Mapi reassured her, rubbing her back sympathetically.

“Erm…” Keria looked up, unsure.

“What?” Alexia's head shot up, looking at her teammate.

“I don’t want to talk out of turn Skip.. but…”

“No, go on, help me, please. What did I do?” Alexia asks, desperately.

“You can be... Well... You can all be… a bit. Catalan?”

“Que?!” the captain exclaimed, “What does that mean? I am Catalan!”

“No, No I know. And it's not a bad thing. But. You know, there's a lot. A lot to remember, Saint Jordi, all the pan con tomate…the loud dinners, the touching, the human towers… the fire-devil thing. And it's great! I love it! I respect it, And I know she does too but…”

“But…?” Mapi and Alexia ask together, looking everything like school children at a lesson, pencils poised. 

“But. And I am just guessing here…”

“Speak Keira or I will make you run laps.” the captain threatens.

“Maybe, you could… you know… try a bit… and I mean… a little bit. With some English things?” she finishes her sentence as a question, nervous to criticise her well-respected captain in any way.

“What do you mean! I do! I respect her! And all her things!”

“I know it's not on purpose Ale. But how would you feel if she said Sainte Jordi was silly.”

“It’s not silly! It's special, Mi Papi used to get me and Alba a rose every year and I still remember it now. I love doing it every year. It makes me feel… oh.”

“Yeah. And you know, me and Lucy come round for Sunday roast every month and you always go out.” she’d started now so she supposed, in-for a penny in for a pound, “and when she put an orange in your stocking at Christmas you laughed and told her it was a bad football and kicked it at her.”

Alexia looks at her teammate, cluelessly, whilst Mapi sniggers behind her hand,

“Alexia, It’s an English thing. Oranges don’t grow in England. They used to be a luxury so people would give them at Christmas to people they love. Like a sign of sharing?...and on pancake day you told her it went against your diet plan…” 

“Didn't she literally fell a tree last year to make you your own Caga Tio? She asked me where Onas was from, I said Amazon and I'm fairly sure she thought I meant the rainforest…” Lucy joined in on the salt being rubbed into the enormous wound party that Alexia didn't even know she was hosting. 

“Okay, Okay, I get it.” The captain said. Raising her hand. She felt terrible. She did go out on what she’d dubbed ‘English-Night’ when Keira, Lucy and sometimes Ona would invade her kitchen and cook weird food and watch English TV shows.

But she thought you'd want to enjoy your evening in English without her. And the pancake thing… well. It did go against her diet plan. 

You never said it was a tradition. 

She would have made an exception. 

She'd do anything for you.

You happily went along with all of her things, she had never even told you about Caga Tio, you'd found out on your own and done such an incredibly sweet thing that Alexia had cried and slept with it next to her side of the bed for a week. 

Not that she'd tell her teammates that. 

She hadn’t realised you’d been trying to share your traditions with her and she’d been closing it down.

“Why didn’t she say anything?” Alexia asks helplessly,  

“Because she loves you, and she doesn’t care as long as you’re happy I suppose… and also… because she’s English.”

This made her roll her eyes in frustration.

She felt ignorant.

She would fix this.

“Mapi, I need your help.”

—--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You’d managed to shake off your little moodswing by the early afternoon.

You’d spent the morning answering a few work emails and planning a few new routes. As you set off for your run you felt noticeably brighter, calculating that if you did a bit of a longer run than usual then Alexia should be back home when you returned.

Sometimes you did that on purpose, and went on a longer run so she would be home when you got back. Like when you go to the toilet in a restaurant and you're excited when your meal is at the table when you return.

A little treat for yourself. 

God you had it bad.

You really wanted to spend time with your girlfriend, you felt a little bad about your moodiness and you wanted to make it up to her.

So when you got home from your trail run to a driveway with just your truck in it you tried to keep the sadness down. Training must have gone on this afternoon, sometimes that happened.

By the time early evening rolled around, you got a bit concerned, just as you picked up your phone it vibrates in your hand.

sorry Mi Amor, training turned into watching film, I will eat with Mapi at the canteen, see you soon, love you, miss you xx

You let out a little huff of annoyance to yourself. It's not Alexia's fault that you wasted your time together yesterday being moody. It's not her fault she's stuck at work.

At least her version of being stuck at work isn't being trapped under a mountain of snow and slowly dying.

Your little internal monologue of darkness makes you chuckle to yourself but your attention is grabbed by a knock on the front door.

“Hola Chica!!!”

You suddenly have a facefull of hair and are pulled into the bosom of a very loud and excitable Alba Putellas.

“Hi Alba! What are you doing here?” you ask, trying to not be rude but also wondering what has dragged the famously city-slicking younger Putellas out into the sticks.

“Que? Can a girl not come and spend the evening with their future cuñada? What's with the million questions hermana!” she blusters past you and into the entryway, leaving you standing with your mouth hanging open at the door as she settles into your sofa.

“... I asked one question” you mumbled to no one as you closed the door with the tornado now inside your home.

You explained that Ale was stuck at work, but Alba dismissed your apologies with a flick of her hand. “I'm not here for her, I��ve spent too much time with her, I think we should spend the evening together. Hermana to future Hermana.”

“Erm… sure.” You got on well with Alba. You got on well with all of Ales' family. They;d welcomed you as one of their own immediately. Eli had taken a vested interest in “getting you back up to strength” after your accident. That mainly consisted of not letting you leave the dinner table until eating 3 full plates of paella.

Usually though, Alba could be found in the bars of Barna, not in your living room, and you had a feeling that she knew Alexia was stuck at work. Which meant that Ale had sent her to spend the evening with you. And you hadn’t gotten away with your melancholy without her notice yesterday like you hoped you had.

Still, the thought of her sending her sister to keep you company warmed your heart.

Hours later your stomach hurt from laughing so much, and you felt ill with the amount of food you’d consumed. You and Alba had spent the evening watching telenovelas and cackling at the erratic storylines. Alba would insist every character was gay and you would nearly wet yourself with laughter when in 4 episodes she was proven right.

It's late when you hear the door slam in the hallway, you glance up at the clock and see its later than you even imagined.

“Hola cariño!” Alexia yells from the hall, and you can hear her shoes being kicked off and bag being shoved into the hall cupboard.

“Hola, my love!” Alba mocks back, voice high pitched and sounding resolutely nothing like yours.

You shove her by her shoulder as you rise to greet your girlfriend.

“Hola, my love.” you repeat as you greet her, settling into her open arms and nuzzling into her neck dropping a kiss against her warm skin you find there.

You take a deep breath of the taller woman. “Ale… why do you smell like… onions?” you ask, curiously.

“Vale, vale, I am going to bed before the show starts.” Alba interrupts as Alexia separates herself from you in order to reach across and slap her sister's head.

“Oh, Si? Si Alba, of course you can stay over. Thank you for asking.” she shouts sarcastically at her sisters retreating from. Grumbling to herself as she turns back to her.

“Oh behave you big grump you love it when she stays over.” you whisper, falling into her arms again, settling into her warmth. “Long day?”

You feel the tension leave her body now she's home. “Si… we got lots done though,”

“Good. Feel ready for the weekend then?” you ask, she had a game on Saturday and you know she preferred to be over prepared.

“The weekend?”

“Si, the game? Seville?” you ask, with a laugh to your voice. She must be tired.

“Oh, si, sorry, of course. I am tired mi amor. Yes. I feel ready.” she replies, moving to face you more closely, large hand cupping your cheek and dropping a quick kiss to your lips.

She moves away but you aren’t finished. You've had a long day of missing your girlfriend. And you pull her closer and deepen the kiss, moulding your lips to hers and groaning when she accepts your tongue in her mouth. As you break apart for breath you hear her mutter a little ‘wow’, which melts your heart.

Seriously, only your world famous, drop dead gorgeous, professional footballing girlfriend can get so worked up over some heavy petting.

It's her turn to pull your lips back together and you enjoy swapping sweet kisses before you pull apart… “Al…” she's moved down to your neck… “Ale… why do you taste like… pepper?”

“Huh?” you can’t see her face as she continues to press kisses down your neck. “Don’t know what you’re talking about amor.” she seems to have decided she's finished with your neck for now as she takes a step back.

“I better go wash the day off me. Meet you in bed?” she asks, and who are you to refuse as you nod your agreement and start to tidy the living room as she leaves for upstairs.

“Hey?” you look up and she's popped her head back into the living room, “I missed you today.” she says, simply. Cheeky smile on her face.

Alexia was the most intelligent and complex woman you knew. But sometimes her ability to be so simple was the thing that made you fall so deeply in love with her. She missed you, so she told you.

“I missed you too, love.” you reply, softly. 

She smiles satisfied, and moves from the doorway again. For 3 seconds until she reappears.

“Don’t go to sleep til I’m there por favor, I want to fall asleep together.” you feel your blush start to creep up your neck and open your mouth to reply before,

“Ay dios mio, perdedora! It's a shower, you aren’t going to drown. How do either of you get anything done!” Alba shouts from the top of the stairs, and your girlfriend's head quickly disappears again, before you hear a scream and the thunder of her scaling the stairs…

“vuelve aquí diablo!”

—-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You drummed your fingers on the steering wheel as you waited for your girlfriend outside of the training buildings. It wasn’t usual but she’d asked you to pick her up that morning.

As you’d passed her her morning coffee (foam art included), she’d taken a moment longer than usual giving you a soft morning kiss and breathing you in before she asked you to keep the afternoon free.

“I want to take you on a date, Mi Amor.” she’d mumbled, cutely, “Alba will take me back into the city, then you can pick me up after your session at the school, dress warm.”

“I haven’t said yes yet!” you’d teased, with a roll of your eyes, “and hey, what they say is true, el romance esta muerto! I am picking you up for a date you asked me on! Tut. Ale. You used to be suave.”

“soy muy suave.” she’d confidently replied. “You’ll see on our date… that you’re picking me up for”.

A cheeky smile and a pat on the bum later she’d chased Alba out of the house, and suddenly you felt like you were watching the vision that Eli had grown old too.

Two bickering Putellas sisters acting like teenagers on their way to the school bus, hitting each other and Alba chasing Alexia down the drive after one kick too many.

So, you’d done as you were told and after your talk with 28 school kids about basic survival skills here you find yourself patiently waiting for your girlfriend.

The door to the training facility opened and you were surprised to see Alexia emerge bundled up in far too many layers and knit hat cutely adorned on her head. She really was adverse to the cold. Usually she’d be the last to leave training, insisting on a team talk or taking extra free kicks, but she searched the car park eagerly and eyes lit up as she took you in in your beat up old blue pickup truck.

The next surprise she gave you was when she didn’t hurry to the passenger seat, instead making her way to your window and, when you didn’t move, knocking on it with a rap of her knuckles. You roll the window down with a quick of your eyebrow.

“Can I help you señora?” you ask, “Si, mover… por favour. I am driving.”

The absurdity of her comment makes you bark out a laugh, but you do as your told,

“Ale, you hate my truck.”

“I have never said that.”

“Yes you have. One million times. ‘Mi Amor, your truck brings our house price down.’...’Amor, your truck is warming the planet. I thought you liked trees.’...”Amor, your truck is so loud that I think a dinosaur is coming up the driveway…” you imitate, crudely but with a gentle laugh.

She just fixes you with a stern eye as she turns the key, a large grinding sound coming from the engine.

“In gear please Ale!”..."Ah, Si.” followed by the successful roar of the engine.

“Remember love, she doesn't have any heated seats, we listen to my Beatles CD cause its stuck in the player, and the gearbox is a little worn so please… be gentle”

“Weird, usually you aren’t asking me to be gentle.” she dryly replies, eyebrow arched and make you blush. She moves her hand to your thigh and you take it in both of yours as she asks about the school you spoke in, she listens with rapt attention and you bask in the way her eyes light up when she tells you about how Jana finally mastered a trick she’d been working on.

You’d gotten so lost in conversation and checking out your hot girlfriend that you’d forgotten to check your destination until you felt the truck come to a halt.

As you looked around you saw you were in a small car park, a familiar style building imposing in front of you.

A stadium.

You can’t help but be a little disappointed, if Ale’s idea of date night had transformed into football games then you may as well start just going to training with her to keep your romantic life alive.

“Oh. Lovely.” you’d hoped you’d infused as much enthusiasm into your tone as you could. Just happy to spend time with the blonde. “Who’s playing?”

“Barca.” she’d replied, getting out of the car and hurrying to your door, all the while holding her hand up as she hurried past the bonnet indicating to you that she wanted to open it.

She’d taken your hand in her large one and started to walk towards the stadium, you looked around and took in a few people milling about, some with unrecognisable kit on.

You don’t know if a temporary deafness had taken over your girlfriend but she ignored you as she pulled you towards the turnstiles. It was a much smaller stadium than your girlfriend usually played at, and it was quick to get into the grounds.

“Ah, gran admirador?” the steward asked, as he pointed at your trusty blaugrana laces, and you just smile and nod, no idea what's going on.

As you looked up you were at pitch level and you saw a familiar sight of… ‘H’ shaped sticks? You almost broke your own neck at the speed at which you spun to look at your girlfriend who was staring at you with a Cheshire cat grin splitting her face.

“We’re here to watch Rugby!” she practically cheers, clearly very happy with herself.

You’d always used it as a weapon to tease your football-obsessed captain-girlfriend with, that you had been brought up on Rugby. Your brother played and you’d spend weekends down at the Rugby Club cheering on at the side lines. Your dad followed the town team religiously and you’d been dragged down to London more than once for cup finals.

As your world got bigger your love for the game diminished but the familiar smell of tiger balm and clack of metal studs always managed to make you feel 9 again down at the local rugby club.

You felt a childlike giddiness erupt from your stomach as you took in your glowing girlfriend. “Ale, this is… this is…” you feel a bit emotional as you struggle to get your words out, your girlfriend saves you.

“Vamos! Let's go find the best place to watch!” Alexia drags you into the small stands which are sparsely occupied. 

“I didn’t even know Barcelona had a rugby team…” you say as you take your seat,

“Si, they do. They were promoted in 2006 but have been struggling since… they are currently 4th in the league though and today they’re playing 3rd so it…”

You interrupt your girlfriend by pressing a kiss to her lips, unable to stop your affection as you realise how much she had researched for you. “Te amo.” you mutter into her lips. You open your eyes before her and see her sit with her eyes closed for a moment, smile teasing on her lips, dazed.

“yo también te amo cariño” she replies, opening her eyes, “now come, watch. They're kicking off.”

You thoroughly enjoy yourself for the next 80 minutes. You realise that you have never watched a sports game with Alexia. Usually watching her or if she wasn’t playing she’d be sat on the bench with the team. 

She’d usually be too invested and serious to have a fun time. But here, without being impacted by the outcome, nor really having any idea what was going on. Alexia was clearly having the time of her life.

She was giving off serious big dick energy, sitting in her plastic chair like she owned the stadium, legs spread wide and ankles hooked as she took in the pitch before her. Alexia wasn’t into PDA, however, here she pulled you close to her as though you were in your living room, clearly happy that she wouldn’t be bothered by anyone at a sparsely populated Rugby game. 

“Amor, comer aqui. Explain this to me… “ she'd gestured to the pitch before her with one hand and pulled you closer with the other, draping both of your legs over one of hers so your legs dangled between hers, and you sat sideways facing her as she rested her arm around your shoulders. 

You tried to ignore the feel of her strong thigh muscle underneath yours. Noticeable even though two sets of heavy clothing. 

She started to play with the baby hairs at the nape of your neck as you tried to explain a scrum, mauls and drop kicks.

But you found yourself watching her side profile more than the game, her sharp jaw, the curve of her eyebrow. How cute she looked in her little barca beanie, eyes bright with excitement. 

She gives your hair a little tug, “Mira el juego bebe…” she mutters, eyes still looking forward but a grin teasing her lips, “...I paid a good €8 for these tickets.”

You laugh and concentrate on the game before you, laughing at Alexia's commentary throughout, ‘you can use your hands! How is it even that hard!’ until a big hit where she would recoil into herself and muttered ‘nevermind’.

She would cheer every time someone kicked the ball and when you got into the game and shouted “Offside ref!!” she hushed you and insisted that it wasn’t, until you explained the offside rule was different and her mind nearly exploded. 

It was a close game and you found yourself sucked in.

Becoming more animated until the final play of the game, Barca had possession and you couldn’t help it when you stood up and shouted, “stick it up your jumper… go on… RUN….ooooh!”, you looked down and saw Alexia looking up at you with wide eyes, a teasing glint in them, you grew flushed and sat down tentatively, “Amor, I have never seen you so… aggressive… I like it.” she decided, smirk on her lips.

Barca ended up losing but it didn’t take away any of the shine from the day, as you left the stadium you swung your hands between your bodies with excitement, “Ale, that was the best surprise date ever. Thank you.”

You noticed that a look you didn’t recognise flashed across her face as she opened the door for you, guiding you into the passenger seat with a kiss.

“Can we go to Casa Pepe for some dinner?” you ask, looking out of the window and taking in the darkened sky, “No.” she replied, which caused you to turn, and you saw a wry grin on her face, “date isn’t over yet amor, I have plans on plans. Sit back and enjoy the ride.”

Alexia then goes onto stall the truck and take off to a stuttering start, and because she was being so sweet you didn’t say anything but looked out of the window to hide your face.

“Shut up.” she chides anyway.

—-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You’re confused as Alexia drives your truck off road and onto a beach just outside the main area of Barcelona. You see fairy lights in front of you and a huddle of cars and people milling around.

“What's going on Ale?” you ask, trying to take in the look on her face in the darkness of the cab of your truck as she reverses into a semi-circle with some other cars.

She doesn’t have a chance to answer before you are startled by a knock on your window and Mapis' face pressed against the glass with glee.

“You’re here! You’re here! Finally… Capi, can we start it now pleaaaase….” Mapi is silenced by her girlfriend who has made her way over and pulled her from the window. “Give them a second kjære, come, I need your help over here…” and Ingrid winks at you as she leads her excitable puppy of a girlfriend away.

You remain not having any clue about what the hell is going on.

Alexia has slipped out of the truck and moved around to your side, opening the door and you spin on the bench, widen your legs, and pull her between them.

She looks at you with a wide, open expression.

“Remember, Remember, the 5th of November…” she starts, which immediately causes the penny to drop, as you look to the scene on the beach before you.

A large unlit bonfire stands a safe distance from the trunk of your car, you continue to look around and see Eli ordering around most of Alexias team mates and even some backroom staff you recognise from the training grounds, as she stands in charge of what seems to be a crudely put together buffet table. Illuminated by fairy lights you see pots of steaming food which she stirs intermittently.

You even spotted Mario with his newly pregnant (again!) wife and his tribe of kids playing with a small football alongside Jana and Marta.

You can’t help the tears that come to your eyes at the scene before you.

“I am so grateful for you Amor…” she starts, “You have fit so well into my family and life that maybe I missed some things about your family and life…”

“No Ale.”

“No it’s okay, I know you love me. But I wanted to do this for you. But then… well. It escalated. I asked Keira and Lucy for help but then they got so excited about bonfire night that they kind of invited themselves, and then one person turned into another… and then, as soon as Mapi found out there were explosives and fire I couldn’t keep her away. And well, Ingrid had to come because she has a vested interest in keeping Mapis fingers attached to her body. And well. At that point it had got so big that I just invited anyone from the club who wanted to come, and their families. I hope you don’t mind.”

“Of course I don’t mind! This is the sweetest thing in the world… Is that…” you sniff up… “hotpot?!”

Alexia soon became old news as you scurried over to Eli and the food table, kissing her in greeting and falling into her embrace, there were bubbling pots of Chilli, Hotpot, Mushy Peas and even a tray of toffee apples.

Ingrid had come over and presented a tray of parkin that she had baked, beautifully presented in the elegant way that only the Norwegian could. “I hope this is right, I googled it and Mapi taste tested it and she was happy, but honestly, she’s happy if I give her dog food so i’m not sure she's the best judge.”

“Ingrid it’s perfect.” you assured her, the grin breaking your face convincing her more than your words.

“Can we set the fire yet!” Mapi had shouted across the set up, bottle of accelerant in hand that she had been spraying onto the pile of dried wood. A somewhat maniacal look on her face.

One of the physios took the bottle from her hand gently and pushed her towards Ingrid, taking over the situation when he recognised there was a chance the whole beach was going up in flames if she was left in charge.

As the fire grew and grew, everyone's faces were bathed in the golden light. The chill was still in the air and you felt a large puffy jacket being slung around your shoulders. Alexia standing behind you, resting her chin on your head as you settled back into her.

“Ale. Is that Guy wearing a Real Madrid jersey?” you asked, amused, as you noticed that the traditional effigy had a familiar football shirt on.

“Don’t know what you’re talking about, amor.” she replied, laughter in her voice. Before you had a chance to tease her further she pinched your hips, “come on, lets get some food! I’m starving, and all this brown British mushy food smells so good…”

Well. At least she was trying.

You ate and ate, you don’t think you’ve ever been as full in your life. Alexia had spent all the evening before perfecting her hotpot recipe with the help of Eli and it was good.

She’d even shown you the burn marks on her fingers where the hot toffee from the toffee apples has caught on her skin.

Eli told you how Alexia had turned up at her house with Mapi, arms full of ingredients needing help to make traditional foods, which she then stressed over for the rest of the evening, whilst Mapi paced the kitchen, talking to her ‘fireworks guy’, because of course Mapi had a man with explosives on speed dial. 

You’d told the story of Guy Fawks to an intrigued Irene, Mateo happily munching on a sticky apple on her knee. “Ah, I see… It feels like a cold San Juan. I like it” she’d declared, with an air of finality.

“So… they’re like, guisantes but… pulposa?” you overheard Parti asking Keria, as the ginger was gladly wolfing down a portion of mushy peas. “Yeah! Try them… you’ll love them.”

As a second passes before you hear a distinctive gag and Kerias laughter echoing around you think maybe Patri did not love them. Ona greedily scoffed her own portion down with Lucy looking on, proudly, “Te acostumbras amiga” she jeered towards her retreating friend, who went in search of the drinks table.

The fire dimmed but still fought on and you were shepherded towards your truck by your girlfriend, the hatch had been brought down and you could see that Alexia had stored every spare pillow and blanket from your house and made a cosy nest in the bed of your trunk.

She threw herself in, happy to warm herself in the nestle of blankets, always being more susceptible to the cold. Nose red and beanie pulled low down on her head. She opened her arms invitingly and you settled between her legs, watching the scene before you.

You watched as Alba and her latest girlfriend messed around feeding each other parkin. You watched as Mapi chased Pina around with a sparkler in her hand, the younger girl screaming for her life as Mapi cackled. You watched Eli cooing over Jona’s young baby, looking so confident with the newborn only an experienced mother could. You took in how Lucy seemed to eat her 5th bowl of chilli as Ona chatted her ear off.

The scene was perfect.

Only made more so as you felt Ale move her cold hands beneath your warm clothing, grabbing you around the stomach and resting her hands there, making you hiss at the contact, “buscar mi amor” she whispered into your ear, as you looked to the sky and watched as the familiar explosion of fireworks in the sky above you.

The whoops and hollers of the kids (and Mapi) warmed your heart, as you watched the display you let the the sound of the explosions and the ‘ooh’s’ and ‘ahh’s’ of the families and friends around you seep into your bones. The smell of sulphur invaded your senses and you settled more deeply into the woman behind you.

You quickly snapped a picture to share in your family group chat, quickly joining the tens of fireworks pictures from different displays as you all shared your evening, far away yet able to be involved, thanks to your Ale.

“Tell me about Bonfire Night, Mi Amor, I promise, I do not think it is silly.”

That much was obvious, with the effort she had gone to in such a short space of time. 

You told her about the big fires the village came together to build. How it made your community stronger. The fireworks and how the sky lit up all week. The school projects and crude drawings of fires you would make.  The toffee apples you would get stuck in your teeth and the parkin your mum would bake. 

How the stickiness would sit on your hands for days. How your dad would always throw an unexploded firework into the bonfire without thinking, making him run away from the explosions behind him as you and your brother peeled over with laughter. How the cold would pinch your cheeks and you’d check the bonfire for hedgehogs before it was lit. How you’d spend days building a guy from your dads old clothes stuffed with newspaper. How you would run around with sparklers and spend all the next day picking them up from the streets with your brother and putting them into a bucket.

“It sounds fun, Mi Amor. I am glad you grew up with so much love. I get to benefit from it now.” Alexia had muttered into your hair, and pressed a kiss to your head.

You felt those memories wash over you, and knew that this bonfire night would be right up there with them, cemented as the best times of your life.

Yes, you weren't used to the sound of the waves as you usually watched the bonfire burn, and no, you usually weren’t stood on a bed of sand. No, your usual bonfire night would not consist of Alexia telling off Jana and Patri for sneaking in croquetas behind one of the parked cars, insisting they had to eat the British food prepared.

But the smiles were the same, people coming together around the fire was the same, the children laughing and family enjoying time together was the same, couples falling further in love and cuddling together for warmth was the same, the colours and the sparkles that lit up everyone's faces. The same.

“Thank you Alexia. For all of this. The rugby, this, it’s…It's… perfect.”

“You are perfect.” she’d replied, without hesitation.

You swatted her hand that still rested on your stomach, “Soppy.” you’d admonished.

“Not sorry,” she’d quipped back. You fell into a comfortable silence, enjoying the sound of the fireworks popping above you.

“Our kids will celebrate bonfire night.” she’d let out, suddenly, with certainty. Finishing the thought you’d started to express days earlier. 

Before you had a chance to formulate a thought she continued, “and pancake day. And they will watch Rugby. And football. And celebrate La Mercè. They will know about Sant Jordi. And Saint George.”

“Ale…” you’d let out, wetly, tears brimming in your eyes.

“They will be a mix of both of us. And I will marry you, you know? One day. We will be married.”

There she is again, with her beautiful simplicity.

You don’t really know what to say to that, and you let the silence take hold for a moment.

Where was the woman who blushed in embarrassment when she realised you’d understood her muttered Spanish compliments? Though, you suppose, you’d both changed together. Where was the woman you used to be who would refuse to stay in a postcode for more than 2 weeks?

“ain’t no mountain high enough” you softly sang at her, trailing your fingers down her arm, lightly, it had become your song, between the two of you, when things were bad with your PTSD she would hold you close and sing quietly, in the safety of your bed, her spanish lilt would settle your heart rate and the lyrics would melt the ice in your veins.

Her arms squeeze you tighter, both lost in the safety of your blanket fortress under the stars, surrounded by friends and family but you may as well be the only people on the beach.

“I can’t wait to ask you, officially.”

God if this setup was her idea of a date, you couldn’t imagine her idea of a proposal.

“I can’t wait to say yes” you replied, playing with her ring finger that was settled on your stomach, “officially.” 

You moved back and kissed the tall blonde softly, passionately, until you’re interrupted by Mapi’s aggrieved exclamation;

“Espera! The Guy was ¿Español?”

[makochi-furin]

Hii hii! I hope your doing okay today or tonight, I was wondering if you could write something for dazai (idm if it’s scenario, hc or mix of it and if you add another character you really want to write about).

The request basically is; a reader who finally told Dazai about their past abuser, how they got away with no consequences (who reader mentioned seeing sometimes in the city) and later said abuser goes to the agency on behalf their company to investigate missing items.

Stuff like this is really comforting for me so thank you if you do it :D I hope I put in enough detail for you to work with.

DAZAI AND CONSEQUENCES

A/N: baby, I’m so sorry, but this is long asf and I got a lil carried away💀 I’m also sorry it took a bit to get out. I work in a nursery, so I work 12 hours shifts, and this got to me slam in the middle of my first one (out of three in a row). If this isn’t what you wanted, you can send me in another ask :) But I hope you like it

WARNING(s): reader was in a physically abusive relationship in the past, mentions of PTSD, canon-typical violence, mentions of panic attacks, pissed off dazai, reader is a girl

—I'm gonna assume this is like a pt. 2 of this writing, but it can stand alone, too :)

—We all know Dazai is megamind over here. He sees EVERYTHING. Nothing goes unnoticed by him (which you probably find a little annoying, tbh, but oh, well). It's especially annoying when he knows things about you that you don't necessarily want him to know

—HOWEVER, if it's something that you physically and emotionally feel like you cannot talk about, like it brings you distress and discomfort, he's very unlikely to push you about it. Let's be honest, this man's probably never even told you the name of his parents. You don't even know if Dazai Osamu IS his real name, so he knows he hasn't got room to talk

—I feel like if Dazai noticed something about your mannerisms, or the way you act that very obviously speaks to past trauma, he'd ask you about it, like in my previous writing. If you're unable or unwilling to talk about it, he drops it. He SO desperately wants to know, but he cares for you too much to put you in any sort of emotional distress by pushing it

—When you do decide to open up to him, he's all ears. He knows how hard it is to speak about the shadows of your past, and he honestly is just so flattered that you trust him (he can't believe it, lmao. Like, three people in his life truly trust him) enough to tell him about it

—You were sitting on the edge of the bathtub in Osamu's apartment, absently watching him comb through his wet hair. The two of you had showered together, and you couldn't help but notice over the months of your relationship how much he had changed.

Osamu was flighty at first, and very distrustful. He wasn't a fan of placing himself in vulnerable positions. Not just to you, but to anyone. Yet, when you'd gently brought up his lack of self care, and how it made you sad to see the person you loved think so little of themselves, a change happened.

You helped, of course. At first, you reminded him to brush his teeth when he forgot, and then you began combing his hair. You'd point out when it was time to change his bandages, and call him to bed at an acceptable time because you knew he'd just stay up until the early hours of the morning (if he slept at all). Together, you two had even begun cooking meals, and he'd started to fill out a little bit.

Now, he made sure to do all of those things, even if you didn't remind him/cook with him, because he felt better, yes, but also because he could see how happy it made you.

He was still suffering from chronic depression, of course. You knew you couldn't fix that, and were thinking about gently bringing up a therapist to him, but he had gotten so much better. Even his coworkers noticed it.

Osamu dragged a comb through his brown waves, eyes narrowed as he focused intently on it. It meant so much to you. How could he not focus on it?

You knew it, too. He would've never made these changes for himself, but he had begun to trust that you had his best interest at heart. A few weeks ago, he'd even opened up about some of his own traumas surrounding Mori and the Port Mafia, about his best friend, Oda Sakunosuke.

Osamu trusted you.

That was why it felt so wrong to keep your own past from him, because he was finally starting to open up. You feared if you didn't return the favor, he'd wilt again. More so, you'd recently been catching yourself let parts of the story slip. Subconsciously, you wanted so badly to tell him.

"What are you thinking so hard about?" He asked lightly, brown eyes sparkling with so much affection that it had your breath catching. Osamu was watching you from the mirror.

You blinked, realizing you'd been out of it for a moment, lost in thought. In your lap, you fiddled with your fingers. Part of you wanted to shut down as your heart plummeted at the thought of reliving the worst of it...

But the way he looked at you, like you hung the sun and the stars, like he felt such fondness for you that 'I love you' simply didn't cut it...

It was time to tell him.

"Can... Can we talk?" you asked, surprised by the softness of your voice. It was almost ashamed, but you knew you shouldn't feel shame for what had happened to you.

Only, you were so scared he'd feel ashamed of you.

Osamu was a great aim, and he was smart as a whip, and he was oddly strong for his thin figure. He'd never let himself stay in the sort of situation you did. He'd fight back.

You felt so small.

He turned to look at you, leaning back on the bathroom counter. His eyes were gentle and knowing, and you couldn't tell if you were upset that he already knew what this was about, or relieved. "Of course," he said with a little smile, squatting down in front of you and taking your hands in his. "What about?"

You gulped, knowing there was no turning back now. If you told him this, you'd be trusting him with probably the worst part of your life. Even imagining it, the past with him, made you sick to your stomach.

You knew you'd backtrack if you didn't just rip it off like a bandaid.

"I overreact to things sometimes," you whispered, and he squeezed your hands. "I'm sure you've noticed it."

"I wouldn't use the word 'overreact.'"

You chewed on your lips nervously, staring into his eyes. Thankfully, all you saw there was understanding, but it was still so hard. "My ex beat me. For years... Anytime I did... anything, pretty much. It was bad." Your voice cracked as you continued, tears welling in your eyes. "I couldn't see my family... I ended up in the ER a few times. He broke me, Osamu. He had me convinced I'd never trust another man."

You waited with baited breath for his reaction, trying to hold in the tears. Your eyes stung and your breathing was speeding up into gasps, because you hadn't even told your family or closest friends the full extent of it.

Osamu looked oddly calm, but at the sight of your fallen tears, he got up to sit beside you. Wrapping an arm around your shoulders, he pulled you in close, flush against him, and kissed your temple. "Breathe, baby. It's all right now," he whispered, squeezing you close.

You couldn't stop it now, though. What had been building up since you left your ex was being released right here, right now. There was no turning back. Hot tears rolled down your cheeks and clouded your eyesight. Subconsciously, you grabbed his shirt in a tight grip and squeezed until your hand ached.

"He beat the shit out of me, and nothing ever happened," you continued, the anguish in your voice now laced by anger. "He broke my collarbone... my jaw—my ribs and my wrist. He made me feel like an ant, like I was so small, and I still feel that way now, and even after I left him... I'm still suffering, but he gets to go about his life like it was nothing. I couldn't even go to the police—he said he'd kill me," you got out through gasps, squeezing your eyes closed as your vision had started to darken at the edges, anyways.

Osamu's eyes flashed with something you didn't recognize, but all he knew to do was pull you in tighter. He placed a hand on your head and pulled you into his chest, and you certainly weren't trying to resist.

"It's not fair," you added, knowing how childish you sounded. Nothing was ever fair. Here you were, saying all this to a man who had probably done much worse than just break people's bones, complaining about fairness.

You weren't a child. You knew life wasn't fair, but that didn't mean it didn't fucking suck that it wasn't.

"Sometimes, I still see him, you know... In town, I—" You had to stop, otherwise you'd make it worse for yourself.

He held you close, rubbing your back and gently scratching your scalp as he whispered for you to breathe. Osamu knew you were about to land neck deep into a panic attack.

Eventually, he did get you calmed down. He got you to bed, made you a mug of hot chocolate, and read to you for about thirty minutes before you were able to catch your breath, his smooth voice calming you better than any benzo could.

In the end, you two lied down together, your back pressed to his front. The bandaged arm that was wrapped around your waist felt like a safety blanket. You were sure you'd be embarrassed about your outburst tomorrow, but for right now, you simply soaked up the feeling of him wrapped around you so snugly.

"You're not small," he whispered to you, and that was the last thing you remembered before passing out.

—Dazai doesn't seem different to you afterwards, in that he doesn't act differently towards you. You were worried at first that he'd see you differently, that he'd see you as being as weak as you saw yourself, but it was the furthest thing from. He respects the hell out of people who can go through such terrible things, and yet come out so kind, so good

—While he doesn't seem different, inwardly you can bet he's raging. Dazai is PISSED OFF, more than he's been in years. He's made great progress, but let's not forget that Dazai can be a cruel mf. He's got a darkness in him that he doesn't want you to see, but it is definitely there

—He doesn't press you for anymore details, but he can't help himself. He digs. He uses his brilliance to find out who the guy is, who his name is, and any time he feels even a slight bit of guilt at digging into your past life without your knowledge, he reminds himself of the injuries you listed.

—You thought he'd forget the things you admitted during your confession? PLEASE. He needs to know everything about this fucking piece of work. If he has a photo, he might even text it to Chuuya, along with a message "wanted alive," and you best bet Chuuya takes it seriously (even if he hates Dazai, lmao) because just by LOOKING at the photo of this guy, everyone can tell he's an asshole. And you still see this mf sometimes? Man is RAGING

—Dazai stands on business, because seeing you so torn up about it physically hurts him. It makes his heart ache every time he remembers you in that state. He can't fucking stand it, and he has to do something about it

—Your words about it being unfair haunt him in his nightmares. You're right to a degree: the world isn't fair. However, Dazai knows that if it takes him a million years, he's gonna make this shit fair

—Then, what do you know, one day he's at the office and Atsushi comes strolling in with a Manila folder and the piece of shit, himself. There he is, practically served to Dazai on a silver platter

—"This is Tanaka Jiro," Atsushi chirped, missing the way Dazai's eyes widened when he saw the new client. "He's here on behalf of the engineering company that got broken into last night."

Dazai sat up in his chair, staring right at the man who had the gall to make you feel small and weak. His eyes darkened, and then he slowly smiled. It wasn't happy or gentle, or even playful and teasing.

He smiled like Mori smiled.

In that moment, if his coat was black instead of tan, he'd look the picture of his younger, crueler self. He supposed that part of him never went away, always there just at the edge of his subconscious.

He promised Odasaku that he'd push it away, that he'd do good. However, he felt that even Odasaku, his kind friend, would understand the necessity of it now.

Immediately, he jumped out of his chair and made his way over. His hand landed on Atsushi's hair, giving it a playful ruffle. As he looked at him, his eyes softened. "Maa, Atsushi-kun. You work too hard, you know. I'll take this case for you."

Atsushi stared at him with obvious shock, eyes wide and jaw on the floor, because Dazai never, ever volunteered to work. If anything, he complained about it like a child.

"D-Dazai-san?" he breathed, in disbelief. It looked like he thought someone had killed the real Dazai, and was now acting in his place.

"Ah, ah," Dazai chirped, shoving Atsushi away. "Go do normal teenager things. Flirt, make friends," his voice trailed off as his gaze slid to Tanaka, your ex, and the smirk lifted his lips once more, eyes flashing dangerously, "all of that."

"O-Okay," Atsushi mumbled, still in shock. He recovered quickly, smiling brightly at Tanaka. "Dazai-san is a very good detective, Tanaka-san. You're in good hands!" he promised.

Tanaka smiled back, and seeing the bastard have the audacity to smile had Dazai seething internally.

Maybe, he'd take all his teeth, so that he could never smile again.

"Thank you for your help, Nakajima-kun," Tanaka said, nodding.

As Atsushi walked off, Dazai tilted his head to the side, his plan already formed. "Follow me to answer some questions, and then I'll begin investigating right away."

—For Dazai's plan to pay off, he needs to figure out who broke into the company. It wasn't a planned event, and he quickly figured out the guy who did it probably had no connection to the company (probably just a low down thief looking for some quick cash), which made it more difficult. It was the sort of not-really-a-big-deal crime that the agency would usually put on the back burner (the only reason it even came to them was because the thief was figured to be gifted), but Dazai worked tirelessly at it

—He interviewed people, looked over documents from dusk to dawn, and just generally put in a hell of a lot more effort for this than he usually would for some petty theft

—You probably even notice how hard he's working. There are bags under his eyes and he's back to not taking very good care of himself, but when you ask about it (obviously worried), he just smiles gently, kisses you, and assures you that he'll have this case figured out in no time. He doesn't want you anywhere near this

—When he does find the criminal, their interaction goes something like this:

"I know you did it. Give me the shit you stole, and I'll let you off."

"Bet."

—He has this part meticulously planned out. While your ex is in work one day, Dazai plants the stolen items in his car, and then calls the company security

—He watches with glee as he's dragged from the building, kicking and screaming like an enraged toddler, and fired on the spot. Your ex's livelihood? Gone. Phase one? Completed

—Dazai sat at his desk with a satisfied smile, chin resting in the palm of his hand as he counted down in his head. Everyone else is entrenched in their own workloads, barely even noticing the malicious sparkle in Dazai's eyes.

Soon enough, the door bursted open, and your ex came running in. His eyes were rimmed red, like he'd been crying, and he was flushed all over from rage. "What the fuck did you do?!" he demanded, pointing at Dazai.

"What do you mean?" he asked innocently, standing and walking over with the same smile.

Everyone else stopped what they were doing, watching the scene with widened, or curious eyes. This sort of thing didn't happen much at the ADA.

"You know what the fuck I mean, you piece of shit!" Tanaka screamed in his face, and it only made Dazai's smile widen. When he saw this, he hissed, "I think we should take this outside."

"Hold on," demanded Atsushi, immediately standing from his desk, along with Kyouka and Kenji.

Dazai didn't even look at them, staring into Tanaka's eyes, as he held up his hand to stop them in their tracks. The smile melted off his face, replaced by a cold glare and lips pressed into a line. "I'm fine," he assured them, light tone not at all matching his expression.

"But—Dazai-san," Atsushi mumbled, eyes flickering between Dazai and Tanaka.

"You guys are so dramatic," Ranpo said with a roll of his eyes, absently watching the scene from his desk, which his feet were propped up on. "Dazai-kun said it's fine."

Dazai tilted his head mockingly at Tanaka. "Are we going outside?"

That, they did. Tanaka stomped down the stairs and through the cafe, out onto the crowded streets of Yokohama.

Dazai followed, of course, even as Tanaka led him towards a darkened alleyway, obstructed from the view of the general public. Inwardly, he thought that this guy was making it way too easy. He was an idiot.

Tanaka stared at the dead end wall for a minute, and then let out a cry of rage, turned on his heel, and began running at Dazai with his arm pulled back and his hand clenched into a fist.

Nonplussed, Dazai side stepped it, loving every minute of the surprise on Tanaka's face. "What? Did you think fighting someone your own size would be as easy as beating on a girl?"

That had Tanaka freezing immediately. "What the fuck are you talking about?" he growled out, and Dazai almost laughed at his attempt to be menacing and scary.

Right on time, a black SUV pulled up. He might not be in the mafia anymore, but Dazai had plenty of contacts from it. When masked men jumped out of the vehicle, surrounding Tanaka, Dazai smirked at the look of pure terror on his face.

"Don't play dumb. You aren't handsome enough to pull it off," he said lightly, and then laughed as Tanaka tried to call for help.

He was knocked out before he could.

When he awoke, eyes all bleary and with a searing headache, he was in a big, dark warehouse. It was old and beaten, with leaking pipes and creaky doors. He was sitting in a chair, hands cuffed together behind him.

Tanaka screamed.

Dazai walked in front of him casually, hands tucked into his pockets. "Scream all you like. No one will hear you," he said.

"Why are you doing this?! Who even are you, man?!" Tanaka cried, the tears falling down his cheeks. He looked so pathetic.

Dazai loved every second of it.

He hummed, walking forward until he was right in front of the bastard, footsteps echoing around the wide open space. Grabbing a fist full of Tanaka's hair, Dazai yanked his head back, so he'd be looking up at him, so he could see the icy glare, the hate.

"You hurt someone I'm very fond," Dazai said softly, tilting his head. "You hurt someone I love... And ever since she told me, I've been thinking of ways to make it fair for her. It's all I've thought about.

"She's not like you and me, you know. She's kind. She's sweet. She's good. You," Dazai scoffed, "you're pathetic. A man who has to beat defenseless women to feel good about himself is no man." When he leaned in close, so his lips were inching his ear, Tanaka whimpered. "And me? I'm the worst of the worst."

Now, all Tanaka could do was cry and plead, but Dazai wasn't having any of it. He let go of Tanaka's hair, letting his head fall limply, enjoying the sounds of his uttered prayer. "No god can save you from me," he told him in a pleasant voice, taking a few steps back.

Dazai crossed his arms and hummed thoughtfully, making a show of it. "I thought I could just kill you, but that's not really fair, is it? She has to live with what you did to her, and I think the fairest thing would be if you have to live with what I do to you."

"You're fucking psychotic," Tanaka whispered.

"Ah," Dazai agreed easily. "I've always been more of a proponent of revenge, rather than justice. See, she probably just wishes you'd have gone to jail." His casual tone melted into something deeper and smoother, deadlier. "Whereas I'm more of an eye-for-an-eye kind of guy, so..." He pursed his lips in faux thought, looking up at the ceiling. "What was it she said?"

Tanaka stared at him in horror, especially when Dazai stared him straight in the eye and smiled.

"Right. Broken jaw, collarbone, ribs, and wrist!" He said, snapping as if he'd just remembered it, as if your broken confession hadn't been causing him physical pain this whole time. "I have plenty of history with breaking jaws, so I guess we'll start there. What do you say?" he asked brightly.

Tanaka screamed again, the sound becoming a cry of raw terror as Dazai began walking towards him.

An hour later, Tanaka still sat in his chair, still handcuffed, but he was bloody and bruised. Every injury he inflicted on you, Dazai returned tenfold. He was delirious with pain, and in and out of consciousness.

Dazai grunted when he looked down at his hands, seeing the blood that absolutely coated his knuckles and bandages. He'd have to clean that up before coming home to you.

"You up?" he asked, walking closer.

When Tanaka immediately flinched back, Dazai hummed with satisfaction.

"I won't kill you," he said, as if he was doing Tanaka some great favor. "You're going to go about your pathetic, little life with no job, and every time you look at yourself, you'll remember this pain. You'll finally feel at least a fraction of what she did."

Tanaka just whimpered. It was hard to speak with a shattered jaw.

Dazai smiled at the sound, crouching down in front of him to force Tanaka to look him in the face, in the eyes. "The men who kidnapped you are going to drop you off at a hospital. They'll ask what happened, and you'll be tempted to tell them. So," his tone lowered into a hiss, breaking the somewhat casual facade now that Tanaka had physically felt his anger. There was no point hiding it now. "I'll tell you the same thing you told her at her lowest point, that defenseless girl who didn't stand a chance against a piece of shit like you: tell the cops, and I'll kill you."

Dazai stood, jaw clenched. "And I'll be watching you from now. Step a toe out of line, hurt anyone else, and I'll bring you right back here. Only, that time, I'll probably just go ahead and do the whole world a favor, and shoot you in the head.

"I bet no one would miss you at all, because that's how small you are."

With that, he walked away.

—I know that was pretty brutal, but to be honest, y'all, Dazai was a whole ass executive in the PM (the 'demon prodigy'). He tries to hold it back in the ADA (per his promise to Oda and his care for the others), but let's not kid ourselves. The guy does have the capacity to do some really evil shit, and I think if he'd do it for anyone, it'd be you

—It just pisses him off so much to feel helpless, especially when it comes to you. He couldn't save you, then, but he can damn well set the record straight. In his head, he had to do something. At the very least, he had to stop this guy from doing it again

—You were eating dinner with him that night, and hadn't really noticed anything out of the ordinary. Both of you were just sitting at the counter, digging into some instant ramen, and you probably wouldn't have noticed if you didn't pay such close attention to him.

There was a speck of blood on the collar of his coat.

"Hey, what happened?" you asked, concern pinching together your brows. Worried eyes scanned him over, looking for any sign of injury. You found none, though.

"It's not mine," Osamu answered, and then took a bite of his food, looking pointedly away from you.

You pursed your lips, tapping his wrist. "We don't lie to each other, O-sa-mu."

He couldn't help but smile a little at your tone. His eyes finally met your's, and he tapped your wrist back. "It's not a lie. It's-not-mine."

"It's a lie by omission if you don't tell me what happened."

You were terribly confused when his eyes softened, and then he gently pressed his hand to the back of your head, bringing you closer until your foreheads were touching. "What's wrong?" you mumbled.

"I can't tell you everything," he admitted slowly, eyes shut. He looked so peaceful, like he was where he was meant to me. Honestly, when Osamu was all soft like this, it took your breath away.

"Then tell me part of it," you breathed, reaching up to cup your hand around his neck. "Did something happen?"

He stayed quiet for a long time, though you didn't know how long. It was like he was contemplating something serious, and that both confused and worried you.

When he finally did speak, it felt like time froze. Everything froze.

"I made it fair. He won't ever hurt anyone else again. I made sure of it."

The words were a whispered promise, and you automatically knew what he was talking about, of course. He was mysterious, and he had been distrustful at first, and you knew he had once been in the mafia, but he was also the person you trusted the most in the world.

Osamu always went above and beyond for you, and you didn't feel as safe anywhere as you did with him.

You believed him wholeheartedly, and found that this admission was enough. You didn't need to know the details, and probably wouldn't want to.

The relief you felt was enough.

"Thank you, Osamu."

—Look, he's so bby girl with you, but he don't play when it comes to your abusive ex💀

—Just... just honestly don't fuck with the people this guy loves, okay? He's gd diabolical, and he can be so cruel to those that hurt who he cares about, so... Just watch it if you're tryna show out to his girl, okay, lmao

[janisbuggybones]

Rent-a-yandere!....please, we're begging you take them off our hands.

Janis Foster (my oc) × gn!reader

Cw: yandere, rent a partner situation, trans girl yandere, poly relationship kinda, pretty short idk what else I could say, pretty boring tbh (only realizing this as I got to the elevator part :( )

Og idea is from @moyazaika on this post that I kinda spit balled off of and then got the motivation to write again.

You can't believe you found yourself coming to this. One too many late night browsing sessions led you to get overwhelmed with adverts about this new fad in the dating scene. Rent-a-yandere, the hottest site online where you could find a devoted lover for cheap.99 per hour. In all honesty, it did seem appealing when compared to the heartbreak and trauma you've expierienced prior, but you dare stoop so low?

"Hello darling, are you (y/n) (l/n)?" A tall girl said from behind you. She had beautiful pearly paper white skin and matching hair put in one long braid. She had piercing red eyes and dare you mention her height? She was at least nearly twice your height, but her body wasn't well built. She couldn't have been living very healthily If she was that skinny. She had a large chest, despite her skinny body, well in her description it had said she had some cosmetic surgery done before. It didn't look fake or anything and it's not like she showed it off. She wore a modest black turtle neck with small embroidered hearts on the cuffs and chest of the sweater. The sweater was paired with some baggy black jeans and simple black work boots.

Fuck yes

"Oh, yeah that's me...you're Janis Foster, right?" You found yourself asking after getting over the height difference. Shit, were you being rude? She's really pretty, come on, don't fuck it up.

"Yep, the one and only. Honestly I'd be surprised if anyone got me confused for someone else." She smiled softly, her soft pink lips looked tantalizing. "Well, let's be on our way then. I've arranged a breakfast date for us before a big day of fun" She said as she grabbed your hand with her own cold and large hand. Her nails lacked any polish and were neatly manicured.

You remembered you picked the option for her to come up with the itinerary. You hoped it wouldn't be too exhausting, the public can be a bit overwhelming. "A-ah okay!" You find yourself smiling slightly as you went along with her.

She took you to an animal themed Cafe nearby, themed after your favorite pet animal. "I thought you'd like this, darling" She giggled as she checked you both in, having made a reservation. You recall mentioning your favorite animal in the description of yourself they required you to give them.

"Nice and quiet, and they limit it to 10 customers in here at any given time, so I won't have to worry" She giggled innocently but you read between the lines. It made you blush at the thought of such an attractive woman getting jealous of you.

You two were taken to your seat, a seat in the back where one of the animals sat on the table. You promptly gave your order and she gave hers before you were left alone with her.

"Honestly I'm not much of an animal person..I feel like it's a good bit of upkeep that i couldn't keep up with. But I do have a little lavender bunny at home. His name is Geo" She said, starting a conversation as she looked around.

"Oh? Is he purple? I didn't know bunnies could be purple" you said, interested as you looked at the calm animal on the table before it left, instead taking the window sill beside your table as its resting place.

"Oh they do, it's a bit rarer than your average bunny so he cost a good bit, but he's Oh so adorable" She smiled, her bluish eyes landing on you. "I'd say nearly as much as you, cutie" She teased, which left you blushing slightly as you avoided her eye contact for a second.

"O-oh yeah?" You smiled slightly, you never were able to take compliments well.

"Mhm, oh look, food's here" She smiled as the waitress brought your orders. Janis had ordered a simple cup of juice, a bagel, and small bowl of a variety of fruits.

"Thank you for coming here today" the waitress said with a smile as she walked to serve another table.

Janis stared at her for a second with an unreadable expression before turning to you. "In my opinion, breakfast isn't that good. Lunch and dinner foods are far superior" She said with a sip of her juice.

That statement had ignited a conversation that then strayed to your favorite foods and then on to other topics as you ate and enjoyed her company. She wasn't too overwhelming and was sweet up until you two had been finished for a good bit and were asked to leave because her reservation had ended.

She pouted but complied, leaving with you to her next planned activity.

"You had mentioned you liked anime and movies, so I thought we could see that new studio ghibli movie together?" She said with a contagious smile. "You know the guy who writes them and all, Hayao Miyazaki? He keeps announcing his retirement but then goes back to the studio with a new script each time, it's pretty funny when in the interviews with employees they complain about that." She giggled.

"Oh? I can imagine the frustration they must feel" you smiled slightly as you two entered the theater. You then realized, shit, this place is gonna be crowded. Fuck, you hoped it wouldn't be too overwhelming. She then promptly paid for your tickets and some snacks to accompany your movie viewing.

You two passed the many movie posters on the halls as you walked to the movie screening. Dread hit you as you opened the door and you two went in, only to crumble away when the theater had been empty. Did she really book this entire theater room for you?

"Yeah I'm not too good in a crowd either, I'm a walking distraction" She smiled slightly as she led you two to a good pair of seats in the middle of the theater.

"U-uhm I don't know what to say-t-thank you, this is crazy. How did you get your company to pay for something like this?" You found yourself asking. "W-wait sorry I didn't mean to say that, I'm sorry..." you apologize a second later after seeing how that could be offensive.

"Oh? They'd never pay for something this expensive. While their other services are much more profitable, my section doesn't get nearly as many sponsored activities like this. I paid out of pocket so you wouldn't feel wierd in the crowd, darling" She smiled. God that smile, how she acted, you swore you'd fall for her before she fell for you.

Her explanation left you blushing and wordless as adverts started rolling on the big projector screen. You unintentionally just ended up staying quiet and watching the movie with her. At around the halfway point of the movie, when you both finished your snacks, she had began holding your hand. It shocked you at first, before you relaxed, discretely returning the gesture.

The rest of the movie went along swimmingly. The plot was heart wrenching and hadn't made you cry, but did arise sadness in you.

As you two walked out the theater and you winced at the bright light, she prosed a question.

"So darling, my place or yours?" She asked "for our next little activity I have planned, a baking sesh" She added with a smile. "I had cute mochi and cookies in mind" She smiled "though mochi isn't baking, it's versatility as something you can shape into a cute thing is almost unmatched" She said

"O-oh-um" you said, taken aback by the idea. You had liked cooking to an extent and mentioned that, but wow. She really planned this out and it left you blushing again....wait...wasn't it in the terms and conditions that neither of you could go to the others house?.....maybe it was for their other service, rent-a-darling? You couldn’t recall and your place was a mess. "My place doesn't look the best...is yours okay?" You asked shyly

Janis giggled "of course! Anything you want is okay with me darling" She smiled as she held your hand and went with you in the direction of her apartment.

Surprisingly based on her ability to buy out a whole theater for you, her apartment was relatively average, though it ran a bit on the pricier side because of the economy lately. The inside looked clean and nice, and the elevator ride was relaxed as she started a conversation about her apartment complex.

"I dont mean to show off where i live, but i hope you like it. When I started living here, it was actually way cheaper than it is now, I'm glad they never raised the price for my rent though. I'm kind of friends with the owner. Not in a wierd way, but we hang out like once a month. They're in my friend group I've had since middle school" She said as she watched the numbers on the small screen above the door go up.

"Oh, that's interesting. I wish I had something like that with my landlord. I've recently been trying to save up for something I want, and it's not going too good in all honesty..... Damn gacha games, am I right?" You smiled, feeling comfortable, but then suddenly worrying you overshared.

"Oh don't get me started! I started playing this gacha game that recently came out and ahhh! The skins look so good, but two are locked behind a pay wall each update" She huffed slightly. "And all the characters have such diverse designs and tons of different ethnicities, how could I not pull for them all and be absoloutely broke in unilogs?" She laughed softly before the elevator stopped, the 6th floor. "Alright now to 603" She said as she held your hand and walked to her apartment.

Nothing was out of the ordinary about her apartment, it was pretty plain actually. Apart from the squishimallows instead of pillows on the couch of her living room. The kitchen was lightly messy, a bowl and cup in her sink with a few pieces of silverware and a stray rag just on the counter.

"It's not much, but it's comfortable for me" She said "well, settle in, I have to go check on geo real quick, I'm sorry darling" She said, excusing herself before leaving to the other room.

"It's fine" you find yourself saying quietly, overwhelmed by the events of today. This was all crazy....how were you now in a crazy hot girl's apartment?! The one chronically bitchless person of the high-school friend group, in this stunning woman's house? It was unbelievable...until you considered this was a paid date. Then reality sunk in. Shit...should you ask her out for real? Would that be okay? Would she be okay with that? She wasn't much of a yandere...it'd be okay, right?

"He was such a hungry little boy, he ate down all his celery in a minute" She giggled happily as she came back and saw you still had your bag with your outing necessities on.

"Oh want me to take that for you?" She offered and you obliged.

"Oh thank you...I feel like I haven't properly thanked you enough today" you said as you looked around.

"Oh don't worry, the pleasure is mine, darling" She smiled "now, shall we get cooking?" She smiled as she put on a pink frilly apron. Shit...you didn't know how to feel.

"Alright" you offered in response with a fake smile as you took the apron She handed you. It was your favorite color and had a lap pocket and chest pocket shaped in hearts of a slightly brighter color.

You two then spent the next couple hours baking cookies and making mochi, before settling down on her couch and watching the news, because nothing else was on, as you enjoyed the fruits of your labor.

"It's not too sweet is it darling? I heard cookies need some salty aspect to balance out all the flavors" She smiled softly as a missing persons report came on over the tv.

Geo Archviste, a 5'4" man with black and white naturally colored hair and blue freckles. Missing since this day 3 years ago, he would have been 21 by now.

That was terrible, his family must be haunted by their missing son...wait-

"Darling?" She asked, as you kinda ignored her prompt for conversation. "Everything okay?" She asked.

"Uhm yeah- that missing persons case...just seems sad." You found yourself saying as you swallowed the crumbly cookie.

"Oh...yeah...that boy was actually my ex...we broke up a year before he went missing but we were still on good terms" She said sadly. "I miss him...I named my little bunny after him" Janis said as she looked down.

"Oh I'm so sorry, I didn't know......I hope he gets found" was all you could find yourself saying, but something didn't seem right. Not that what she said had any contradictions, but you just had this uneasy feeling. "Um restroom?" You asked

"By the door with heart decals on the left down the hall, darling" She smiled sadly and you excused yourself.

You walked down the hall and found the room, but the heart decorated room piqued your interest. She wouldn't mind...right? You opened the door and were met with darkness until you cut on the light and saw a figure sitting on Janis' bed, restrained on his feet and hands heavily.

All you could really see was their perfectly trimmed black and white locks that hid their sleeping face...matching the picture of the man on the missing persons report.

Chills ran down your spine as you went to grab your phone but it wasn't in your pocket. Shit you must have left it behind....how could you sneak out with the missing boy?

You struggled with yourself over this until you heard Janis coming and ducked into a open closet after turning off the light, shutting it behind you.

"Geo darling, I'm back" She smiled as she cut the light on and walked up to him. He looked at her tiredly and sniffled quietly.

"Remember my side gig to try and find you a buddy we can both love?" She asked "I think I found the one, they're so cute! And we baked some things, you could probably smell it" She giggled "I'll give you some when they leave...if they get to. I haven't decided if I wanna reel them in or just go in all at once and kidnap them like I did you" She said happily

"I'd say just kidnap them, two minds are better than one" he sighed, implying you could help him escape her.

"Come on now, I love you...you love me, i know it" She huffed

"Yeah true..which is why I want you to get help instead of doing this to me...." he sighed

"Stop it, i don't need help" She mumbled

"Yes you do. I love you and want to be with you, but you did this and refuse to get therapy. I only broke up with you because you killed my friend, remember. Get your head out of the past and live with me now. I'll stay and all like I've said repeatedly- just come-" he said before she interrupted him.

"Shut up! I don't need help! I'm perfectly fine and you need to shut up. You're only still tied up because you tried to escape the other month!" She shouted, less sad and more angrily.

"That was last year! I've been good for you so I can do normal couple things with you and we could have found our third lover together!" He shouted back, making her tear up.

"Shut up! I'm going back to (y/n)....I promise you'll love them as much as I do" She said shakily before you backed up a bit too far and bumped against the wall.

She looked dead at the closet in shock before walking up to it and opening it.

"Darling?"

[ungodlysaltyinfrastructure]

Hey… so uh… Alux witnessing his mother die in front of him, anyone?

Aha. So um. I inexplicably went missing on tumblr...

Why? I tried deleting an experimental side blog I didn't need/want, and because I don't know how tumblr works, I had actually deleted my main account (Note to self, never venture off into the account settings, WITHOUT CHECKING WHICH BLOG IM ON) I was devastated about it, but, it may have been a good thing for me, question mark? I had been embroiled in toxic queer discourse (aphobia sucks), and it took a toll on my mental well-being. So I took this unfortunate deletion of my work as a sign to relax a bit, despite the pit of panic that formed when this happened. Luckily, I'm better! (again >_>) and I still love Alux Rising, so here I am, making my grand return! back at it again with more way too long character analysis!

I would've posted about my abrupt leaving of tumblr sooner as I was eager to explain everything, but then AR 14 dropped soooooooooooo

Okay. Ar 14. Just made me incredibly happy. A major thing that had been missing for me was actual depictions of Alux as a child. He goes on about how his childhood was rough, but we never actually got to see such. Only the aftermath of such childhood with his relationship to Elric.

Now that we've seen it,

Oh God. It explains, a lot. I always thought Alux acted weird, so much so that I started to theorize that he was *actually* autistic/ASD (More Asperger's Syndrome but that term is no longer used)

But now…

I still hold firm in my Autistic Aro Alux Headcanon, but now his “lack of character” makes more sense to me.

It's made out that Alux's lack of character was prominent in his childhood, as his mother says that one day, he'll learn to like whatever he likes, and he'll be his own person, inferring that he doesn't understand that yet as a child. That's really intriguing to me. Apparently, his blandness was apparent in his childhood, and now in his adulthood. And it seems that the only thing he fully knows how to do, is to help people. If this lack of uniqueness to his character was in his childhood, then maybe the fact that Alux is bland is a defining character trait for him. One that will be overridden by this developing story of Alux rising. (Aha! Character development!)

Now, in relation to Alux and his parents.

It seems like he followed his mom more than his dad. That's why he brings her up in his and Elric's argument, and why he says “I like what you like!” and “I want to be just like you” To her in the memory.

And upon further rewatching, my heart just broke.

In the memory, Alux's mom says “But remember to be the best version of yourself, and to treat others how you want to be treated.”

How does Alux treat others currently? *He constantly helps them. protecting them, making sure they're OK.*

*sigh*...

Ok.

I'm really glad that we got this flash back. It actually helps put some character into Alux (even if it being trauma) and his lack of reaction to a lot of things makes much more sense. Even after the whole flashback, his lack of talking about the memory for why he had such a strong reaction feels very realistic considering the circumstances.

Another thing I realized, when Alux snaps out of it, the surrounding magic of green crystals is the orchids. I'm crying.

It most definitely seems like witnessing his mother's death stunted Alux's mental development to a degree, mostly in the sense that he doesn't fully know who he is, what he wants, or what he likes with what seemed to be his only supporting figure in his life now gone. If he still had his mother, maybe he would've turned out differently. (Wow shocker, I know.)

And honestly, we all knew Alux was traumatized, but I did not expect it to be to THIS extent. I just thought his mom died of an illness, and he wasn't there to see it but she was gone.

I was. SO WRONG.

Dead wrong. One could say.

Like Alux's mom- *cough*

anyways- yea Alux's nickname should definitely be Horny, Professor Red- oops, sorry *GEARS* comes up with the best nicknames, in fact he should become president and deliver every presidential speech in his rhyming scheme.

Oh and James is not dead,

Apparently.

[katetorias]

Hi :D

Sorry for the anon ask, I'm too shy to ask on your Instagram story whenever you do a qna. I've been wondering what it feels like to be (part of) a system. I can't quite imagine what that must be like and I'm just super curious about it

One of my most burning questions has been: how does it feel to just come into existence as a new alter? You said that Prom is still a fairly new addition and I honestly can't imagine what that must feel like and how someone wouldn't know they were a system after that.

Also how does it feel to be an alter that isn't the host? Does it feel shitty to not be out as much and to be considered "somebody's alter" instead of their own person?

Feel free to ignore this if you're uncomfortable with it. Also love your art of you and your fiancé, so cute!!

since systems are formed due to the unique trauma the specific system went through, we can only really talk on our experiences. since people react to trauma differently, systems (an extreme trauma response), all form differently and have different ways they fit into the diagnostic criteria for these disorders.

im going to answer your question in a long format below^^

• for context: we are bodily 22, and we've been receiving psych care since we were around 11/12. our therapeutic progress has always been stagnant because after we left the situation we were in, we had almost completely blocked out everything that happened. so we had nothing to tell our therapists and we didn't feel comfortable talking with them. we were often dissociated and would just answer questions shortly while staring at the ground instead of engaging.

because of our lack of progress/seeming lack of effort, our mom stopped taking us to therapy and psychiatrist appointments. she thought it was a waste of time and probably saw our mental illness as misbehaving/not caring enough to try to be happy. this kept us from having proper psych care for years. we would occasionally get called to the counselor's office in school and at some point we had to start missing school for therapy again. college had us losing that support and flunking out because of the dissociation/suicidality. we only finally got access to meds after i had to go outpatient, and we've been with our therapist since.

• how we didn’t notice: due to this we had no knowledge that our experiences weren't normal. our mental health has been neglected for years and we had no way of knowing what was happening with us because we had no basis as to understand. we have a gap in our memory from a little after we left our situation to early high school. our friend always says we knew each other in middle school and talked, but we don't remember enough of those years. amnesia can show up in a lot of different ways. we've only experienced two noticeable black outs, the rest is gradual. not remembering things soon after they happened, being told we said things we didn't remember saying, being unable to describe important events in our lives, vaguely knowing what happened but not remembering the experience.

• on forming: When I (Prompto) formed, we had just flunked out of college and were forced to start working. Me and my fiancé were just starting our relationship and were playing my source. My source was a fat child who experienced bullying and parental neglect, being left alone and friendless for years, feeling like he has to change his weight to be liked. We really couldn't handle having a job. we were clinging and desperately coping by consuming my source. Eventually I started feeling like I was confusing things that happened in game with things that happened to me, and my real life memories from years, or even just months before didn't feel familiar. This was frightening, I would cry to Noctis about how I was feeling, how I couldn't remember anything before our road trip (event in source). But we didn't have any resources to explain, I thought I was being weird and childish.

Because of the stress of this job we had, I would spend most of our time in a heightened state, anxious or dreading the next days. Jack (who formed in our childhood to take care of us and our little brother when we’d be left alone) started resurfacing again after being gone for years. Our brain was trying to protect us, but I didn’t understand why I suddenly felt different. Sometimes it felt like I would just leave. I started being told that I was saying things I didn’t agree with again. Jack felt miserable trying to force himself to be me. This conflict and pain was the reason we ended up outpatient, and a few months after came to terms with the fact that we were a system.

• on what it’s like to not be the host: for us we don’t really refer to ourselves as “someone’s” alters since we don’t really have a collective identity (discounting the body we act like). I’ve been making an effort to accommodate everyone, and make sure we get the time we want in the body or just have things that are our own. (Making space for their things/interests. Setting times for specific people to have a chance to front)

This is Nathan’s perspective since he’s been fronting more often lately:

- I actually used to hate being an alter. i felt frustrated that I got torn away from my shitty life to just be part of someone else’s. I didn’t want to exist in the system at all. our body isn’t mine. im skinny and im covered in healing SH scars, and im not hairy and i have short hair, im cis. i used to hate fronting. I would actively wish i could just disappear. it didn’t seem like me being around was helping anyone. dissociation sucked and I would pick fights with our fiancé. im pretty much the only one of us who gets full flashbacks, and i fucking hate looking at stuff for my source online because everyone hates me. or ignores the story to justify hating me instead of just. hating me for what’s actually in source.

we talked with our therapist and eventually i started coming to therapy and she treated me like my own person. she made sure to create a distinction between my feelings about something and Prompto’s. she told me to create a thing i could do instead of be angry which is why i would usually front. Prompto put a lot of effort into making me feel comfortable. it’s like pri could tell how sensitive I actually am. pri designated a corner of our apartment to me and got me decorations pri thought i would like. i got to make my own instagram. It felt good to be myself. when i wasnt forcing myself to be prompto i felt more content. the more i could express myself as a person the easier it was to communicate with the system, i struggled less with memory and i think were less dissociated now than ever because prompto made such an effort to acknoledge us as our own selves.

sorry for the long answer but you asked so not sorry I guess lol. prompto probably had a better closing statement but I don’t really give a fuck. thx for the question

[blubushie]

r u loveless or just aro?

Uhh...

Honestly I'm not sure. I'm gonna break it down a little cuz the ASPD defo makes it a little difficult to work through.

ROMANTIC ATTRACTION

I'm defo arospec to some degree. Like 99% aromantic 1% alloromantic. I don't feel romantic attraction to people, but I do form brief obsessions/fixations that last a few months and then immediately die once that phase passes. I wouldn't consider it a crush since it's more a platonic thing and not romantic (though there's been a few times I've been convinced I've loved someone only for it to actually be me obsessing). There's only one person I'm certain I ever felt romantic love for, but the relationship didn't last long enough for me actually be certain if that was genuine love or also just a Mental Illness Obsession Episode.

SEXUAL ATTRACTION

Have this. I'm 100% allo in this regard.

PLATONIC ATTRACTION

I... don't have this. I've never had a desire to befriend someone. When someone tells me they want to be my friend it fills me with an immediate sense of panic and a desire to avoid that person and get away from them. (i get this with confessions of romantic attraction too—arguably not as bad though.) All friends I've ever made have been the result of someone constantly hounding me and not leaving me the fuck alone until I kinda gave up on avoiding them. On rare occassions this has resulted in someone gaining my trust enough that I've gotten closer to them and formed an emotional bond to them. But I've never had the desire to make friends, or to get to know someone, so I would consider myself aplatonic. I know a lot of people at present—there's only two I'd genuinely consider to be my friends. Over my entire life there's really only been four (or five, if you count my dad). And three out of those four I was also sexually attracted to, so...

FAMILIAL ATTRACTION

I genuinely don't know how much of this I feel versus how much of this is just societal obligation and "doing the right thing". Sons take care of their mothers and their fathers. I am definitely bonded to my father, but my mother is largely a hit and miss. I have a bit of trauma from her, so that's likely got something to do with it. I take care of her because it's the right thing to do, as sons are supposed to care for their mothers. Both of my siblings are half-brothers that I've never really been close with or even lived with, with my younger brother being 21 years my senior. I'm not very attached to them because of that. I think I'd be more affected by how their loss would affect my father than how it'd affect me.

The only familial attraction I've ever really felt is my son and Misty... but I'll also be honest that I'm not entirely sure what familial attraction is. I know what being in love with someone is as a concept, I know what sexual attraction is, I know what platonic is... but I don't understand how familial attraction differs from platonic aside from "societal obligation to family". I'd call my dad my friend, but he's my dad, so I respect him as a parent and confidant instead.

Which is to say that, yeah, I guess I'm afamilial too? I don't fucking know. I'd call myself a loveless aro, personally. I wish that aromanticism didn't bank so hard on emotional bonds with people at all. I wish there was a lot less of "I may not feel romantic attraction but I still love my friends and family!! 🥰🥰 Aros still love their families and friends just like normal people!!" because I really... don't? Emotional attachments aren't some saving grace from the brokenness of being aro, and my lack of them doesn't make me a broken person or a bad person.

[lipstickchainsaw]

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF NIGHTMARE AND SPECTRE AND

sorry for the spam hrhdhsh but I really enjoy these for reasons I just mentioned🫶🫶

No worries! I did ask for questions!

I think the Spectre's a ton of fun as a route, in part because of the contrast between the Spectre as the Princess and the Cold as the Voice that joins you. For all that you get to the Spectre because you ran her through with the Blade, she doesn't seem to hold a lot of resentment over you for that fact. She ends up being a cute ghost girl, with just enough of a scary side to remind you this isn't the Damsel, and she won't be a total pushover.

And then there's the Cold, who is so very certain you've killed the Princess, and when she shows up again, this time as a ghost, just goes 'oh? Well, we may as well kill her again, then'. He is, after all, the Cold, emotionally, whereas the Spectre is only physically cold. She's emotionally quite warm.

As for why she's like that, despite you having killed her...

(I'll get to the Nightmare in a reblog)

The Princess is very much shaped by your perception of her (hell, it's why she's a princess in the first place), and how you approach her changes her, gives her depth, nuances, neuroses and traumas. If you just go in there, ignore whatever she's saying, and simply stab her, she gets very little to work with, to build off of, except the Cold's absolute assurance that she is, in fact, dead.

So she ends up as a more... generic ghost, conceptually. Compare her to the Greys, both of whom have a lot more going on, conceptually.

Instead, she develops that depth over her own chapter, in how you respond to her now being a ghost. If you start a little nervous but not actively hostile, she will remain friendly to you, but if you ignore her words and try to slash at her again, she will, at best, reach a utilitarian agreement with you.

And her lack of hostility does play into the Cold some, I think. Because you barely interacted in Chapter 1, she's more... detached from you. You killed her, yes, but there was nothing personal about it, no relationship established, so she gets to essentially start from zero here, and she's a ghost, so she's not that worried about what you'll do to her.

Even when she calls you 'killer' at the start, it's more... chiding than actively angry? She doesn't want revenge, she just thinks you're a bit of a jerk but is willing to put it behind her. Hell, if you're friendly towards her here, and just help her out, her tone outright shifts to playful when she calls you that, which is really cute.

This also makes her one of the few Princesses that directly talks to the Narrator (the others being the Wild, and arguably the Tower, who just takes him over), and reveals quite a bit of his true nature in so doing.

She's also notable as being the only Princess to not be uncomfortable with the cold before the Shifting Mound claims her, because being cold is just... kind of her thing. It feels like home. She's the only Princess to have already made peace with her death (since it was the one thing established about her) and ready to move on, even if she didn't realise she was part of a greater whole.

So the route where you help her out, and resolve matters in Chapter 2 is really cute, a bit of a redemption for yourself, and maybe shows the Cold that being emotionally detached doesn't mean you have to be a jerk about it.

But, as mentioned, she's not harmless. If you make it clear you can't be reasoned with (or try to run away), she will fuck you up. She doesn't hide this dangerous side to her, but if you continue to ignore her warnings, and keep crossing lines, she'll just rip your goddamn heart out. If you don't actually help her escape by giving her a way out, she'll just take it next time.

And I think this tension gives her a layer of agency that honestly makes her less unnerving than, say, the Damsel. She's neat.

[ixiot-ghostrebel]

Yk Back At The Random Ghost Rebel Stuff

A straight up ramble but does anyone feels this retching feeling in their hearts whenever they think about the High Cloud Quintet and its lore and go like "Dang, if only we COULD change what had happened bc this crap is dark and sad as hell" because that's what I feel like right now

And lemme tell you: It's not a good feeling bc I don't even want to think about how they're all just old and tired grannies and grandpas. The only person that has proper solace in the High Cloud Quintet is flipping Baiheng bro—poor Yingxing got turned into Blade bc yk—he's the beloved of that one relic set story.

Dan Flipping Feng becomes Dan Heng and even as Dan Heng he doesn't get a single drop of solace bc now the former-artisan-now-maniac dude is chasing him all across the universe bc of the sins of the past and it's just so heartbreaking bc Dan Heng isn't Dan Feng and Blade is only the shadow of Yingxing (this concept with Yingxing and Blade heavily reminds me of Makoto and Ei—Ei was the shadow of Makato and the shadow of the light is all that remains ykyk)

And then there's Jingliu who just straight up asks her student to kill her if she ever becomes mara-struck and in the end she still lives somehow and then she decides to go full-traumatizer with Blade back when he was the Unnamed that wandered the place—as if he needed MORE trauma and honestly her weak grasp over the mara which in turn makes her insane is so upsetting bc in the end she ends up having beef with a 14 year-old lieutenant who's trying to do his job and protect the Luofu (though, I have to admit it: as much as I want to protect my child Yanqing, his methods were kind of flawed—) even if he doesn't know who Jingliu is.

And ofc we got the last man standing Jing Yuan who just sees ghosts in everyone around him. Istg I feel like bc he sees ghosts, he can't move on from the past, and when he can't move on from the past, it's honestly a red flag bc it might mean that his present relationships with everyone are (sometimes) only just one-sided or something. Like, take the relationship between Yanqing and he: Yanqing trusts the General with his life bc he raised him as a baby. But the fact that he calls Jing Yuan "General" and not some sort of parental title says that Jing Yuan is being unnecessarily secretive due to his fear of vulnerability. I mean—literally in 1.2 Story Quest, Jing Yuan quite literally just left Yanqing on the island alone after he got beat up by two men that have beef with one another, practically leaving him in the dark with no explanation. And even before that, Yanqing was still left in the dark. Jing Yuan doesn't open up easily bc of the crap he's been through, which is understandable, but his lack of explanation backing up his highly meticulous moves—that's not really healthy. In the end, it just leaves a gap of mistrust, be it intentional or not, between Jing Yuan and Yanqing. In some cases, and this one (imo atleast) is one of them, if you don't explain your actions, it pretty much just leaves the person that's been left in the dark with their waves of emotions, which might cost said-relationship between the two people in the long run.

It also seems like (based off what we know of, at least) at least half of Jing Yuan's choices are also connected to sentimental reasons and seeing ghosts in people. I think he sees a ghost in Yanqing (idk who tho—ppl say it's Yingxing bc of his obsession over the sword), he sees one in Yukong (definitely Baiheng), he sees one in Dan Heng (obvious reasons, very evident throughout the game) and possible Bailu (because she's technically being hailed as the next Imbibitor Lunae after Dan Feng's sin), and it could possibly go on. This old grandpa really is comparing the present with his past and that's honestly a little heartbreaking, bc there is a chance that that might mean that Jing Yuan found more happiness (serotonin work hardcore fr) in his past than he does in his present. He should at least be happy enough of the present to not be this sentimental of the past, but he's really suffering of the incidents like bro—

The High Cloud Quintet is like The Five Yakshas from Genshin Impact but with more lore (that we know of) and more angst twists (that we know of) to it fr. It's so heartbreaking and angsty, I both love it, hate it, and cry about it.

Like bro, look at these two groups. It's always a group of five sobbing.

They're all fine as hell too like CMON

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hello Steph. How are you? First of all, happy birthday again! Hope you had a fantastic day.

I hate to be that person. But can we please talk about loneliness in life and in fandoms?

I've been struggling with loneliness since I was a kid. When I firstly discovered fandom spaces, I was so excited to get new friends. When I was younger I actually formed a bond with some of them but growing up...I don't know. I feel like I'm not made for being anyone's friend. Just saying this makes me feel like the biggest of the losers but it's just how it is. I feel transparent, I feel like I have nothing to give. The few times I've tried to interact with people here I didn't even get an answer. You know, I chose not to have a love life ages ago, and platonic friends were all I was asking for. I am a bit terrified of dying alone to be honest. I got used to doing things by myself and I'm really comfortable with that. But sometimes I wish for something more, someone actually caring about me. Sigh.

Hey Nonny *HUGS*

First off, I want to validate you on your feelings; I too have been and am a very lonely person, but in my case it's more self imposed than lack of trying. My poor self esteem tends to drive people away, and in turn keeps me staying isolated in my own bubble.

That said, it's something I'm working STUPIDLY hard on in therapy, and it SUCKS but is also rewarding. My therapist tells me that my perception of reality is skewed because of past "trauma that I didn't know was trauma" which in turn lead to my poor self esteem.

One thing you need to know, Nonny, is that the loneliness you feel online has NOTHING to do with you as a person. Certainly, some choices in your life may have added to it (like with me, I chose a career over relationships), but, especially in this post-COVID world, loneliness was brought on by a long period of isolation, and social media only exacerbated it. I can tell you this from experience: people were nicer before social media. People wanted to go out and do things. People generally didn't use each other for clout and likes.

Call me a boomer or whatever, but social media and "hustle culture" has only produced a generation of selfish people. So no, it's not you imagining things... It IS generally harder nowadays to make new friends without there being some sort of cost-benefit to the other party.

THAT ALL SAID, I relate to you a lot, I really do. Therapy has helped me immensely with my overwhelming loneliness as well. I think also being an introvert who LOVES being alone on the best of days helps a lot too, but I know that my solitary lifestyle isn't for everyone.

Honestly Nonny, I don't have a good answer for you other than to be an ear for you to talk to. As I said, I generally don't have a lot of really close friends I see regularly, and that's okay by me. Join discords, comment on posts, and keep messaging people, but don't let that discourage you if you don't hear back. A lot of people need to feel a sense of trust before engaging in another conversation, and other times we're all just a bunch of shy, neurodivergent nerds who simultaneously want to talk to everyone and keep to themselves.

And if you're able to, Nonny, please do talk with a counsellor or therapist, your words worry me to my heart 💜

And for what it's worth, if I don't reply right away, it's because I actually need to be in a good headspace to answer asks like this, and not feel REALLY lazy as I have been. And you aren't alone, I promise. Many of the Lovelies and Lurkers feel the same, and we're all here just enjoying fandom.

I'm sorry I'm not much help, Nonny, and I'm sorry I kept going on a lot of tangents. I just want you to know that I am thinking about you 💜

[providing-leverage]

I've had a fic idea kicking around in the back of my mind for a while where Ted and Beard give the team a safe sex talk.

Because these two came not just from coaching a whole different sport, but a whole different demographic college-age young men who grew up in the US, probably in red/conservative states. And in the US, especially red states, we don't get sex ed in high school. Abstinence-only is the norm.

The first time I got any kind of sex ed that wasn't preaching abstinence was in a college course where my professor had realized that this gap in our education, while sucking for us, also impeded our ability to understand some of the later material. She developed a sex ed course taught over two weeks or so.

In this vein, Ted and Beard realized while working with college students that their teams were lacking some vital info about things like STDs and consent. So they threw together a power point which they normally present at the beginning of a season, which is part of their getting settled ritual.

The original premise of this fic was something fun, comedic and fluff filled. Pure crack. I have done zero research on sex education in the K and other countries where the AFC Richmond players are from but I'm sure it's better than the United States because the bar is on the floor. Plus these guys are older and more experienced so the talk would be a refresher kinda thing. I was going to throw in a few paragraphs about how Ted and Beard made an effort to include talk about non straight sex too, for that to resonate with Colin. Maybe make this happen when Trent was shadowing Ted, or have Trent hear rumors and grill Ted about it like he did about Sam's birthday party.

But then, just now, it occurred to me that depending on the timeline, Jamie might still be there. So it's early season 1. Maybe just after the gala. And when Ted starts talking about how consent matters so so much, not just for the girl but the guy too, that brings up some...stuff.

Because they're talking about informed, enthusiastic consent. What counts as consent. Relationship dynamics. How you do it because you want to, not because you've been told by a partner or society that you should. Honestly might segway into asexual spectrum Jamie because my own asexuality colors my writing and interpretation of characters (Jamie being ace in sex-positive, likes to make his partners feel good vein, similar to how @zehwulf talked about evidence towards Ted being asexual) and also because I enjoy ace-ifying characters.

Anyway, the TLDR of it: I had a fun idea and now I'm thinking about Jamie Tartt's trauma. A normal occasion, in this fandom, I think.

[the-darkestminds]

An E/riel made me raise my eyebrows when they said “If Gwyn and Az are mates, why aren't they together in HOFAS? Why would Az say he doesn't have a mate or a partner in HOFAS if Gwyn is his mate? Az certainly would have felt the mating bond by now given the amount of time they've spent together and the traumatic events Gwyn has gone through that Az has been present for. There is nothing keeping Gwyn and Az apart. There's no reason they can't get together immediately. They have no barriers to their relationship, internal or external. Maybe that's why Az says he doesn't have a mate or a partner yet in HOFAS-because he wants to be with Elain but he can't be. Because e/riel is next and we'll see them overcome these barriers to get together in their book.”

Sarah is not going to write an off-page romance. She is not going to write about a mating bond (something extremely important) snapping off-page, especially in a book that’s not ACOTAR. And that’s why Gwynriel’s were fine with Azriel saying he doesn’t have a mate or a partner. Because we get to read about it happening. That’s what we want. We want to see Gwyn and Azriel becomes friends, fall in love, and have a mating bond snap. If it happened off-page, the I would honestly be really upset and disappointed. I know E/riel’s love to believe that their ship, their “forbidden romance”, is happening off-page (which is highly unlikely), but us Gwynriel’s prefer to get to actually read about the romance blossoming.

And as for Azriel not feeling the mating bond, how do we actually know? We don’t have his pov, so we don’t know. It’s been three months since SF ended, and we haven’t had his pov since his bonus chapter, so we don’t know what has been going on through his head, or what he’s been up to. And as for nothing keeping Gwyn & Az apart, both of them have their own things to work through. Azriel struggles with self worth, and he needs to talk to Mor. That conversation needs to happen. And Gwyn has her own trauma, so it’s understandable. Sarah is not going to not write about this and have Gwynriel develop off-page. That would be wasted plot. I don’t think Sarah has ever written an off-page romance (please genuinely correct me if I’m wrong).

I have heard this argument a lot too. I think part of Azriel's issue is that he feels so much icy rage all the time, is so used to fighting to suppress it that he supresses a lot of the good stuff too. He comes across as cold and focused but from his short POV we see he is quick to anger, hates himself and feels unworthy, and has a lot of issues to work through. I don't think he would even realize the mating bond if it clunked him on the head. And if he did, I have to wonder if he would feel worthy of that bond either. Personally I think that will be a big part of his story--accepting himself and the fact that he does deserve love. I'm not saying he's currently incapable of it, he clearly loves the IC and in HOFAS he mentions finding people he loves. But his obsession with Mor, and his thoughts in the ACOSF bonus chapter suggest he has a long way to go. Also side note, but a forbidden romance for Azriel would be disastrous and do absolutely nothing to help with his lack of self worth.

Imagine if when asked if he has a mate he said yes. We'd all be like wtf? Since when? (Although personally I believe it's Gwyn) I don't really understand why Elriels seem perfectly fine with their ship developing off page. I want to be present for all of it. Also we have no way of knowing for sure what happened in that time after ACOSF and HOFAS, like you said. But why should we have to guess and make stuff up? We will find out in the next book. I agree with you, I can't think of any romance that developed off page. Or of a female main character who did not need to go through a painful healing arc to realize what she truly wants and needs. I only bring this up because I often see the claim that "Elain is happy and fulfilled in the night court, she has friends, she loves Az". I do not see her happy and healed at all. And if that were all true then why exactly does she need her own book?

[seattledaytwo]

🍒

didn't get a chance to play DE yet, but I humored myself with some playthroughs already and I'm... questioning shit rn. I just checked what max's phone has to offer in my ending (bae ending with pricefield as... hs sweethearts apparently). and I just don't understand wtf happened. I don't want to spoil the main plot of DE, but the way they don't offer any datas or timeframe... I'm kinda offended by the messages shown in max's phone. it looks so wrong. I mean, ofc there is the whole multiverse and I can believe that in some universe pricefield could've broken up but??? it feels wrong actually seeing it, I mean my expectations are my own mistakes, but... I need time to process

I mean, it could be great, but they promised to respect both endings. and the way I see it, most people who saved chloe didn't do it to see such an ending. I get that this stuff happens in real life, it's natural outcome for the relationship built on trauma, but for both Max and Chloe it's really off and out of character. I probably need to see more from the game to get a better perspective, but now i'm just sad.

how are u feeling tho?

OOF okay yeah I'm going to be brutally honest about my thoughts on Double Exposure.

So from the very first announcement, the concept left a bad taste in my mouth. It felt incredibly cheap to bring Max back, and I knew that even if the game was fantastic, that narrative choice would always rub me the wrong way. I don't like the idea of Deck Nine taking Dontnod's characters and continuing a story that had been tied up with a perfect bow already. It feels...I don't know. It feels gross, I guess, is the best word I can use.

Chloe's lack of presence stood out to me immediately, and combined with the pieces of the game we'd seen, I knew she wouldn't be part of it. At best, there would be some offscreen explanation about her traveling or something (like how Dragon Age explains where the Warden went if you romanced Leliana). What they went with was...worse than I anticipated, lol.

In my opinion, it's very clear that they brought Max back solely to bait people into buying and playing, and it's backfiring HARDCORE on them right now. I've seen so many people cancelling their preorders and turning away from the game. The promos for the games were purposely avoiding a mention of Chloe, not to be fun and surprise the fanbase, but to string people along until the very last second. Clearly, it didn't work out!

It's really a bummer because I think I would have LOVED this game if it featured a new protagonist. I mean, switching timelines, a university story, an older protagonist? Absolutely right up my alley! But the fact that they dragged Max in to be the hook immediately turned me off to it.

To be honest, I would be very unsurprised if this is the last Life is Strange game after all the backlash that's already starting. And honestly? I'm kind of okay with that. I have concerns about how Deck Nine and Square Enix would/could handle future installments, since it feels like the integrity of the series has been degraded so much with DE.

I never had any plans to play the game, but I don't even really feel like watching a playthrough now either, lmao. All that to say, I really don't consider this game canon. This feels more like a parody than an actual continuation of Max's story.

It's very, very sad to me because the first game came out when I was a teenager trying to figure herself out, and Max and Chloe were very integral to exploring and discovering my sexuality (even before I realized it)!

I love True Colors and I think Deck Nine is capable of writing a compelling (if not a little lacking in some aspects) storyline, but diving back into Max's story was a really bad idea and I think it might be the series' downfall.

And...wow, I guess I had more to say than I realized 😅

[freckles-dean]

Here are some of my thoughts on Young Royals S3 ep 1-5

I’m just rambling here. This is probably going to be long, all over the place and not well articulated, so bear with me. 

And before I talk about the show, I just need to say that it never ceases to amaze me how incredibly talented all the actors are.

First of all, I don’t blame either Simon or Wilhelm. They are in an incredibly stressful situation. They are bound to make mistakes and I think their actions while being stubborn and lacking common sense are understandable.

I really loved Simon this season and i was so exited there was more of a focus on him. We finally got to some of how everything affected him. It broke my heart to notice he wasn’t the loudest in the choir anymore and then him saying he’s not enjoying music. Side note: Dude had some banger lines this season 

I find it ironic that everything that Wille found attractive in Simon’s in s1 became things that Simon has to shut down in order to be with him

If you told yesterday me that today me was actually okay with an August redemption arc, I would not have believed you. This in no way excuses his behavior, and he still has a lot to work on, but I think it was one of my favorite parts of this season. 

I am not at all surprised by the Erik thing. since s1 I kept wondering when Willie's perfect image of him would come crumbling down, but can’t imagine how devastating it would be to learn that the person who was there for you the most was not this perfect person you thought they were and might not even accept you.

I was rooting hard for Micke and Sara. I knew it was unrealistic that he wasn’t going to hurt her again, but it was still so heartbreaking that he couldn’t pull it together for her. I think there are bigger issues going on than his ADHD that needs to be handled. 

Why does the queen get space and help with her anxieties and grief, but when Wilhelm is struggling he gets no support and is seen as embarrassing and problematic???? 

Why the fuck was it Wilhelm's responsibility to teach Simon what not to do? Obviously, this kid who has never been in the public eye has no idea what he should or shouldn’t do, it almost seems like it was deliberate to get Wilmons relationship to fail idk. It would have been so easy to get something to teach him some basic media training. It's just disturbing how the court had absolutely zero regard for Simon’s safety. 

I’ve seen people talk about Wilhelm being controlling over Simon. Is it acceptable or excusable behavior? Absolutely not, but let me put things into perspective. Wilhelm was raised in an abusive and very controlling environment. His opinions and feelings didn’t matter, and he was told it was love, so it made sense that he would try to do the same for Simon and expected him to go along with it. I think expecting Wilhelm to have healthy relationship skills is unrealistic, and the show never pretended he did. It’s been pretty obvious throughout that Wilhelm consistently projects his feelings and emotions onto other people. 

I still don't know if Simon was breaking up with Wille or not, or they were just trying to frame it that way to scare us (honestly hoping it leads into a more mature conversation), but if he was… Wilhelm had it coming. He hasn’t been handling things very well and is taking it out on Simon, which is just not okay, and he doesn’t deserve that.  

Before this season, I wasn’t sure how I felt about Wille abdicating, cause i still had this fantasy in my head of him as this queer king, but after everything I’ve seen this season, it’s so obvious how much this institution is killing him. He needs to get out and heal from his traumas and find out who he really is without all those rules and pressures.

I don’t even know if I want Wilmon to be an endgame. Obviously, I do, but at this point, I don’t think that’s what’s best for either of them. It’s been very clear this season how much they don’t (at the moment) fit into each other's lives.. Either some major things have to change (Wille abdicating) or they need to split up. I just hope that both boys get a good ending, even if it’s not with each other. 

I don’t know... I’m emotionally exhausted, there are so many plot lines and I really don’t know how they are going to fix everything in one episode.

[starry-blue-echoes]

Thoughts on Jonathan and George's relationship:

Honestly, George always meant the best for Jonathan. Even when he was harsh he was trying to push Jonathan to be better as best he could, and he took a knife for Jonathan in the end- but still, it wasn't great for Jonathan.

But on the other hand, the dude was not equipped to handle this alone I think. With Mary's sudden and unexpected death, especially with my headcannon that the Joestar Family Neurodivergence came from her side, with the total lack of knowledge on that kind of thing in that era, he would have been hard-pressed to do better.

Then add in Dio, and hoo boy. He's not equipped to handle being a good parent with regards to Dio's trauma either, especially when he doesn't even know it exists, but he can't not take in Dio either, given the alternatives are Not Great and his own kind heart.

And Jonathan's feelings are... complicated. There's frustration at never quite seeming good enough, at the favoritism towards Dio, but also, he still loves George, still misses him after he dies. And for a long time, he probably internalizes a lot of it, thinking it was somehow him and not George.

It takes a long time for him to come to terms with the fact that even if George couldn't really have done much better, that doesn't affect the fact that Jonathan still deserved better. And I don't think he really internalizes that until he's raising George II and thinks about what George did with him from that perspective. (Though at the same time, he can see how, if he didn't have the knowledge he does about how his brain works differently from lived experience... he can see why George did what he did, even if it was dead wrong.)

Honestly I think the whole Jonaeriwagon trio might end up sort of reparenting themselves as they raise kids together- Jonathan realizing that he deserved better than what George did, even if George was doing as best he knew how, now Jonathan knows better, and can treat both his kid and his own inner child with that new knowledge and kindness. Speedwagon makes sure the kids have everything they want or need, spoiling them with gifts and love while also confronting how the scarcity he grew up under affected him, and starting to learn to treat himself now that he has the resources. And Erina, more headcannony, but empowering the kids to have more control and agency over their lives than she had, being dragged around continents with her dad, and that inner core of steel starting to become something she's more comfortable showing and working with as she teaches the kids to do the same.

I couldn't have worded it better myself and also I'm losing my mind (/pos) over these beautiful Jonaeriwagon headcanons because Y E S

the way I've always been thinking of George is sort of a "You Tried Your Best But It Was What You Thought Was Best." I don't doubt he loved Jonathan and Dio, but what he saw as helping them ultimately did cause a lot of harm

but also now I'm rotating so many soft things as they raise George II together-

Jonathan indulging George's interests, reading up on them so they have things to talk about, listening to him as much as he can to his son never feels unheard or shoved to the sidelines or like nobody believes him

Speedwagon always making sure George has what he needs but also teaching him how to value and safe guard what he has, giving him tips on the ins and outs of the seedier parts of the world in case he ever gets in a rough spot so he won't be caught off guard

Erina making sure it's absolutely clear that no matter what happens, no matter what embarassing or terrifying thing could be done to him, they will always love and respect him and that he could come to them for help, how he always can say no and fight back if he feels it's approprate

[marsbar17]

Anymore catalyst x horizon? I love this ship so much 😭❤️ I keep re-reading your other headcanons for them 😭

I'm glad you like my other work! Honestly astrowitch is one of my favorite ships in the game hdjdhaj I love them. I don't know if I have anymore headcannons that I haven't already said so I wrote a small fic instead, I hope you like it :)

Contains: hurt/comfort, established relationship, mention of child loss, grieving

I haven't written hurt/comfort since like middle school please don't bully me hdbsjsj

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The room Horizon sat in smelled heavily of incense and herbs. There were many plants lining the window sills and pretty much every other surface in the room. The space was comfortable, it felt welcoming and friendly.

Across the table in front of her sat Catalyst, looking ethereal like always. She was wearing comfortable clothes, a knit sweater and some sweatpants. She held a deck of tarot cards in her hands, shuffling them expertly. Ah, yes. They were having their weekly tea date. Catalyst had offered to give Horizon a tarot reading, since she seemed more spaced out than usual.

"Just think about what's been troubling you. It could be in the form of a question, or not." Catalyst's voice cut through the silent room, it was smooth. Horizon closed her eyes and thought about it. The room fell into comfortable silence again other than the sound of cards being shuffled and placed on the table. "Okay, open your eyes. Let me see what the cards have to say."

Horizon sipped her tea, tasting like lemon and lavender, and watched her girlfriend flip over the cards. Her fingers were entrancing, the way they moved without stutter or hesitation. She always seemed so confident in her actions. Horizon couldn't help but be amazed.

"The empress, reversed... Five of cups... The sun, reversed... oh Mary, you poor thing." Catalyst's expression changed, and she looked at Horizon in worry. It was obvious the cards weren't saying anything good.

"You're gonna have to tell me what they mean, Tressa. I'm not a mind reader." Horizon joked, trying to cover up her nervousness at the situation. She hated being vulnerable. She was supposed to be the one to comfort others, so when the situation flipped around on her it made her feel weak and scared.

To distract her from her discomfort, Horizon focused on the drawings that adorned the cards. They were hand drawn, all signed with a small star and moon in the bottom corner. Catalyst had made them recently and insisted on giving every legend a tarot reading to break them in. Every reading so far had been pretty positive, singing praise of strength and intelligence. This was the first time Horizon had seen Catalyst so troubled by the cards.

"Are you sure you want to hear it? I'm afraid it will be quite harsh."

"I'm stronger than you think, dear. I can take whatever this deck of cards will tell me." Horizon faked a smile and gestured for the other to go ahead with the reading. Still, Catalyst hesitated for a second.

"Okay," Catalyst sighed. "I just want you to know that I'm here for you."

The Empress is often a sing of fertility and femininity. When reversed, it signifies an emptiness within a person or that insecurities are showing. It can also signify a lack of progress.

"I feel like, maybe you are struggling to heal from a trauma that happened in your life. You miss something, it's making you feel empty, and you haven't been able to accept that it will never come back."

Horizon stared straight at the card, not wanting to see the pity that she could tell was in Catalyst's gaze. She didn't agree nor disagree with the statement, she couldn't bear to lie, but she couldn't admit her struggle either. So she chose to sit in silence and let her girlfriend move on to the next card.

The five of cups is a symbol of negative feelings, and often even just the sight of it makes a person feel discontent. They may be feeling disappointment or like they've been let down by someone close to them. It is also often associated with loss, grief, and mourning.

"You're grieving for someone... or something." Horizon could tell that Catalyst knew exactly who she was grieving for. "You're mourning something that you've lost. This can be the same thing that caused that sense of emptiness."

This time, Catalyst reached over to take Horizon's hand once she was done talking. She rubbed her thumb soothingly over her girlfriend's knuckles, and suddenly Horizon was aware of how her hands looked in comparison to the younger woman's. Horizon wasn't old, but she definitely wasn't young either.

She didn't understand how Catalyst was so okay with dating someone so much older than her. Sure, the age gap wasn't even ten years, but most people felt weird about the whole "lost in a blackhole for 87 years" thing. Catalyst didn't seem to mind though, in fact, she thought it was super interesting how space worked.

"Let's get through the last card. Is that okay, Mary?"

Horizon just nodded, finding that she was too choked up to speak.

The Sun represents joy, happiness, confidence, and success. Somewhat obviously The Sun reversed is a symbol of depression, pessimism, and overall negativity. This may be something bad that has happened to a person, causing them to feel negative, or it can also be a sign that you are being too unrealistic and need to ground yourself.

"The last card is telling me that the cause of your emptiness, your trauma, is preventing you from continuing on in your life. You can't do certain things that you'd like to because of this negativity bearing down on you." Catalyst looked up when she finished talking while Horizon continued to stare at the cards. "Mary... I know you miss Newton."

"I don't want to talk about him, Tressa." For the first time since she entered the room, Horizon didn't try to fake being happy. Catalyst knew that she was grieving, and that fact made her want to hide away forever.

"That's alright, love. What can I do to help you?"

"Some tea would be nice, and maybe we can just sit together?" Horizon looked up into Catalyst's eyes for the first time since the tarot reading began. In her gaze, she found the pity she was afraid of, but it was mostly overwhelmed by adoration and care.

"That sounds lovely. Let me put a kettle on." Catalyst stood up from the table, gently letting go of Horizon's hand as she walked towards the kitchen. "I assume you'd like something calming? Lavender?"

"You know me so well, dear." Horizon smiled. As Catalyst busied herself getting the tea together, Horizon took to running her fingers over the drawings on the cards. Such delicate, pretty things, and yet they tell you all your fears and worries.

Oh Newt, how I miss you...

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Sorry if it's a bit short, I've been sick and stressed over classes dhdbjsksk

Remember that liking and reblogging my work helps me a lot as a creator and takes like 5 seconds.

Also requests are always welcome! I really enjoy doing them :)