#I hit my head/body a lot
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I truly believe all the boys would be exasperated with me considering how accident prone I am
#I just go glass stuck in my thumb and cut myself#because my screen protector is shattered#and I have been bothered to get a new one#but also#I hit my head/body a lot#and have cut myself multiple times with a knife by accient#they’d be so upset with me lol
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i woke up & started crying so i drew the goobers
SHIT I 4GOT BARTS GOGGLES N STUFF IGNORE THAT PRETNED IT THEREAAAAAAA
#just inagine bart like hit kons chest or smth idk#also ignore how bad it is it IS. a sketch#mayb ill line & color it upp… when my head stops hurting idk#ive been asleep 4 such a long time which mean shaha ive barely ate or drank all weekend whoopsies#BUT HEYYY IM AWAKEE NOWWW#also yk how i was like ‘i never stop drawing kart’#<- thats true#ive been drawing a lot of mcyt but like my sektch book is mostly kon rn#or all my traditional sketches r lol#KART GRIND NEVER STOPS EVEN WHEN U THINK IT DOES#OHHH IM AKWAYS THINKING OF THEM BUD#also yes were going w/the ‘kons thigh shpuld b @ least the width of barts body’ anatomy#kill me already yk u have permission#fighting the urge 2 go back 2 sleep#kart#puppee art#this is just a sketch but putting it in there just in case i do never finishh :P idk
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just a weird dumbass of a zonai who used to be a shithead before learning better and then became a sage and then well. hes been on a wild ride >_>
More information for Runivel in his toyhouse link;;
#loz#legend of zelda#totk#zonai#dragon#botw#fanart#fan character#runivel#totk spoilers//#AHEM MAJOR TOTK SPOILERS IN REGARDS TO THIS ONE SO IF U GOT THAT BLACKLISTED THIS IS UR WARNING// ;O;#body horror//#sage of reflection#anthro#elv's FE-LOZ AU#eye horror//#??? not sure on that one but I do know some people are sensitive to abnormal numbers/placements of eyes so just in case#but yeah some very early loose ideas were still knocking around in my head#theres actually a lot of those in my head lmfao#and then totk happened and it basically hit me like a freight train#and suddenly what was a few snippets of nebulous ideas in the span of like 48 hours turned into Runivel and Chrys#and numerous others too#just picture me walking into my list of OCs and there suddenly being like double and me being like WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE#that all just came together so fast its not funny ive so much loz and fe brainrot you have no idea
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Xephos Scar Chart
#planning on making Lalna next#xephos#fanart#yogs#partial nudity#partial nudity cw#scars#scars cw#‘post flux/yoglabs’ is a timeline ref to after Lalna/Nano’s flux is reversed and Xephos dissolves YogLabs#in my timeline at least#scars explained in chronological order:#gunshot (blaster shot technically) from pre-minecraftia when he served in the Federation and had to fight in battles he no longer remembers#technically he should have a small scar on his right ride of his forehead from hitting his head on his escape pod dashboard like twice#but i drew the wrong angle#israphel stab from soi Final Battle where Xephos gets perma-killed (brought back to life and endowed with respawn abilties afterwards)#divine corruption from Ridgedog possession during the Red Matter incident fyi#as well as a post-canon event possession#something something xephos: if i had a nickel for everytime a god possessed my body to save the world i would have two nickels#which isnt a lot but its weird that it happened twice#vivisection from minecraftian government entity kidnapping him for info on space and after he refuses to give it they dissect him live
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is it really plausible that i, a bundle of neuroses barely held together with duct tape, could have Anxiety for real
#Surely Not#idk im still ruminating on the possibility#i think i really badly internalised the 'anxiety is a very real and debilitating illness and not just a cutesy thing to add to your brain C#and went Ok So I Definitely Don't Have It Then despite having anxiety as a feeling deeply embedded in my entire body my entire life#i also think our elementary school teacher read us a book about a kid with a mom that had anxiety so bad she never left her room#and that was my exposure to it#along with the general autism experience of 'the thing you're describing doesn't sound so bad you can definitely handle it'#i personally think i handle all my brain garbage just fine#but there's a lot of it. i just live like this?#every time i hear someone kick a ball i flinch a little because i expect it to hit me in the head. that's maybe not normal
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There are a couple tropes I really love in the space of Miraculous Ladybug fan works, but quite possibly my favorite is when the miraculous holders just get creature from using their powers.
Like yeah, I would say that hosting the power of an abstract concept given sentience, that got shoved into the shape of an animal and bound to a piece of jewelry, would kinda mess with your body a bit.
The little bit of this we get in canon is basically that Adrien loves being a cat and the whole Tikki munches incident.
But I love it when people give them ears and wings and tails, give them eyes that aren't quite human anymore. Fuck with their gender and their sense of body. Sometimes it's body horror, sometimes it's just aesthetic. Love it either way.
I just think it's so fun, a lot of the time it's combined with the like "when a holder and the kawami really respect and bond with each other there's nothing that can be done except having magic bleed into the holder" I think that's fun, but also just making the animal of the kwami a bigger deal is fun. Like if you're going to make it a ladybug you might as well give her wings and antenna and mirrored eyes.
#yes I do like ml#there's just so many characters I like to mess with in my head#also sue me I'm trans and have a certain respect for body horror. for the forced change of your physical self especially when you chose it#anyway I alwasys ramble in the tags#I set up this side blog to hide random writing thoughts I had and oh boy do I have a lot and none of them are on here#and recenetly (and by recently I mean like the past year) I've been hit with so many ml thoughts)#they're all gay#and some of them are cohesive#actually a lot of them revolve around chloe and au's where she gets a meaningful improvement arc#give that gay girl intresting stuff#miraculous ladybug#ml#although one of my ideas is also my very fun very gender take of ml where to conceal their identities ladybug and chat start pretending#to be different people under the masks like they don't need to like explicitly say. they just#switch costumes a lot and they like slyly hint at maybe theres dozens of people who pass around the miraculous to make sure that their#Identities are always safe#and to support the act they also start changing the genders they present as as holders. everyone is like “it's clearly multiple people”#and during this process marinette and Adrien are both like slowly having personal gender revelations#and gabe is like tearing his hair out over having to fight this secret group of superheros that he can never find or catch#but he's still just getting his ass kicked by two kids who're doing the world's most successful costumes change bits#it's like those “fake dating” tropes where they're like “oh but we really do love each other” but with gender#“oh I've got a great idea lets pretend to be different genders sometimes”#cut to “hmh ok so I think I'm not pretending anymore”#oh I do always ramble in the tags
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you know what? i'm gonna say it. i miss being seventeen. not for the "glory days," bc they weren't, by a country mile lol. if i had glory days i'd say they were in 2020. but i miss the electricity, the constant undercurrent of euphoria and deep plunging black. i miss the fight i had. i was literally known for being scrappy. i was self-destructive and coping poorly, but goddamn if i didn't burn bright and long. it took me until my twenties to finally start to fizzle out. does the candle with its wax melted down to the base of its glass cage miss when the wick was lit?
#she bork#it's not even that i'm tired of fighting necessarily. clearly. if i was i wouldn't miss it. i think i miss being ABLE to fight. now i just#don't feel like i have the grit i used to have. i'm not sure if it's bc i'm healthier mentally or bc my energy has just dissipated over time#but i miss taking hit after hit (metaphorically) and wiping the blood from my lip and standing again and raising my fists. i don't do that#anymore. and again even if it's bc i'm healthier i'm not sure it's a good thing that that stubbornness and grit is gone. is it automatically#better to seek the path of least resistance? i'm not sure.#maybe it's learned helplessness? idk i mean logically one person can only suffer so much before they learn it's better not to fight or that#fighting isn't even always possible. but i've always struggled. i've always gone head-first into these things and white-knuckled it and made#it through even if only w self-violence (which was often remarked upon as self-discipline). now i feel like i just flounder and flop and cry#like a fish w a wailing voice on the dock as it loses its breath. i really do think it's partially bc i'm sane now but somewhere inside me#that crazy flame still dances. and ik that bc from time to time i still feel the heat against the sides of the glass. maybe it's a lack of#confidence. maybe it's that ik now that it's impossible to hate yourself into a different better shape (both physically and mentally). but#it was so exciting to try. if i'm miserable regardless i'd at least rather be having fun.#furthermore it could also be that my chaos is no longer external. a lot of what i have going on is internal/physical and it's a daily thing.#fighting daily is a lot harder than fighting through my shitty relationship or that one season of volleyball that destroyed me mentally lol#(ik that sounds ridiculous but it was pretty fucking bad). i'm no longer fighting against other people or external circumstances that i feel#a need to prove myself against. i'm fighting my own body which has proven a tougher match than anticipated. bc how can i? i live here. i#cannot will my body to function. i can swim against the currents of my illness and often do. but that's less glamorous than punching walls#and running for miles like i used to. i want to break a hand. i want to run three miles in half an hour. i want to doll myself up for a#dance and spend the whole night driving w the windows down strung out on a cocktail of cortisol and dopamine. i want to live in the eye of#the hurricane again. and i never will. and it's good but i think it's made me soft.
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WILSON BETHEL as BENJAMIN “DEX” POINDEXTER aka BULLSEYE in Daredevil 3x10 “Karen”
damn does he look good in the daredevil suit
#this scene just lives on rewind in my head#but also the way i had to turn the exposure almost ALL THE WAY UP to be able to see anything????#netflix mcu lighting was dark as hell#but anyway i love the red lighting in clinton church and how they changed the set to a bigger one of this season#(aka they changed it to a bigger one so the fight wouldn’t be in the small ass church from s1 & 2)#i always wondered why dex bled out of his mouth in this fight so much#i don’t know anything about the human body but maybe it was because matt hit him in the organs a lot#benjamin poindexter#bullseye#wilson bethel#daredevil#netflix daredevil#marvel cinematic universe#karen page#screencaps#3x10
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my reload recordings are so embarrassing and funny. ryoji shows up and im like (incomprehensible, ear-piercing squealing noises of raw live authentic lizz reaction). i love having my excitement on recording. it is so funny to me. i love that these little guys make me happy.
#lizz.txt#i loove having most of my playthrough (thus far) recorded#the only thing that wasn't recorded was one rank of akinari's social link bc i forgot to hit record and i didnt feel like reloading 💀#i do not have control over the noises i make when i see things that make me HAPPY !!!#it would be really funny to edit together my reactions to ryoji but also highkey embarrassing. i promise i have thoughts in my head#but also i think it'd be cute to turn my recordings into gifs...#im gonna show up on main one day with like “here are some ryoji mochizukis from november 9th. lets all look at his body language”#(dreamily) ryoji...#<- guy who can't stop kicking their feet around and giggling and smiling whenever i look at ryoji and minato#also im pretty sure most of my early reload recordings were just me being like#“OMG!!!! LOOK AT HOW PRETTY MINATO IS!!” (runs around in circles) GLKHFLDH#and then whenever yukari does something im like “hey Did You Know I Like You a Lot. You are Excellent character”
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now its time for us all to play a game called "will matt rempe get scratched for the third game in a row, or are about to see him get his shit rocked by one or more of the devils (please of please, be more than one)"
#taps sign that says#my weird psychosexual crush on matt rempe is based on him GETTING hurt not him hurting other people so i do in fact WANT to see him get bea#up as retribution for that nasty elbowing hit on jonas last month#taps second smaller sign that says#yes i do know that head trauma is a big deal and i 'shouldn't' be actively looking forward to someone getting into a fistfight on the ice#BUT please consider that i am not a perfect person and i dont really care if im morally correct for wanting this#taps third even small sign that says#yes i do know that being unaware of his size and issues controlling his body has been a recurring issue for matt and that he spent his time#while suspended working on his coordination and awareness and that is a good thing i still want to see him fight it out and get square and#just move on from the whole entire situation#matt rempe#wow lots of signs in the tags here today
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#personal#psy rambles#im having a rough time today#got hit with a lot of self loathing#im just not who i want to be#who i can be proud of#and i wonder if ill ever like myself#ive been dealing with these feeling for over a decade#like yeah i have really bad facial dysphoria#and body dysmorphia to boot#but even beyond that i feel too messy to be deserving of love#too broken to be worth the time#anyway im gonna have a lay down and maybe feel better later#my tinnitus is also going off so my head is pounding#i think its nesting time
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Zero idea if it'll help or fade into the background but I downloaded stuff to track things and smacked widgets onto my homescreen to not forget. Initially searched for pain ones (where I downloaded two just for good measure ig) but saw that one is customizable for like anything you want and no purchase stuff for me bc included in that one pass and said sure fuck it. I think at the min I need to track pain bc by my memory do I go mental thinking if it just feels frequent n all or if it actually is and mind goes blank when at the doc (will just be fun translating to ger OTL I learn sm to describe stuff in eng but then it lacks in first language). Alas for whatever reason lil me never thought abt actually writing these things down (prob bc every adult anyways dismissed them to the point of not being sure if the pain was actually there so what was the point. but now. now I'm the adult in my life who calls the shots for their own life even if anxiety makes it hard).
#a wild lux appears#randomly downloaded stuff when my headache almost made me want to cry again thank fuck for that binaural vid#Btw I will not tackle both languages full on at once they're just both there to not forget either#The group goal will prob be the hardest but at least I now realize I instead of beating myself up I just become avoidant#Which isn't good either but at least knowing what I do helps tackling it ykno#Btw the apps I got are dailyio. manage my pain. and. chronic insights (which is specifically for pain my recommendation since it's made by#one w it and completely free of ads n all. got a lot you can add n visually really nice. just fancy stuff behind paywall)#Zero idea if my stuff is chronic maybe I am since years in my denialism era either way pain is pain and I learned more online from disabled#ppl than from doctors which is just oh so great. but after learning not suprising yikes.#Also reg every adult I remember school trips being nightmares bc I ran out of energy and breath fast and the stops were not even close to#what I needed to recover.#Safe to say I became a v seething child who w reasons hated forced outdoors stuff#Got lots of fun stories which totally don't make me want to combust#This one is like. The tamest I think. Got literally locked out of my room to be foces to go outside#But all that is more stories abt one specific horrendous place I wish(ed) to burn to the ground than physical pain focused talk.#So gon cut it here#Need to shower anyways I just woke up I need v quickly food after it so cya#(just woke up I say. As if I'm not since like three hours awake but just since shortly out of my bed. anyways-)#Also last thing even if a child fakes pain to get out of stuff maybe talk w them as to why they feel the need to do that#Believe kids they know their body etc etc or I will hit you cartoon style w a piano over your head#Fuck wrote one app wrong I meant *daylio
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harrow’s teeth? bad i think. in what way? overbite? underbite? obvoiusly sharp canines, for the hashtag #aesthetic, but what else. gap tooth? gap tooth. that would be so adorable. she’d hate it so much. oh my gosh. can you imagine. yes
#sorry not sorry adding gap tooth harrow to my headcanon now#'bad' teeth a matter of mrekjrajleajfa as it is not braces i mean#her parents ate it before she hit orthodontics don't at me pls#tlt#the locked tomb#harrowhark nonagesimus#i love the idea. in my head.#that to reflect the fact that Teeth are different than Medical Body Bones#in current divisions among medicine#teeth are just like. weirdly difficult for the ninth#anyway gap tooth and with a kind of a snaggly thing going on that makes her (sharp) canines look even more like fangs i think. yes#she bites the inside of her own lips a lot and not just for emphasis
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#its been yeeears since i got my dissociation diagnosis in the clinic but i still have trouble believing it#and im always like am i really dissociating#bc im never like fully gone#but like lately ive been shutting my fingers in a lot of drawers and doors#and bumping into corners and hitting my head bc im not aware of where my body ends#and i cant remember words or colleagues names that ive worked with for years#i cant do math#i cant feel#(i keep being cold tho i think thats also extra bc of my digestive issues with the iron deficiency)#and like today i tested with my spiky ball#and... i had an indentation from thw spikes for like 5 mins and now have red spots for the past almost 20 minutes#and i never felt a thing#my skin reacted to the ball pressing into thw skin but i can barely feel the spikes at all#even tho i logically know i should feel them sharp and slightly painful#but i cant#and thats not good#and i cant get myself to focus out of the disso at all#i almost thoight i was gettingg it but thwn i started getting nauseous af and my abdomen was hurting so that might be a reaosn#but idk#eithwr wya#yeah#im pretty disso#not enough to be dizzy and like unstable when i walk and all#but ugh#i hate it#ignore me#dissociation#mental illness#borderline
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#kyle.vent#new tag wow#anyway#uh tw eating disorders#ed tw#all that#okay#cool#like I knew i have been losing weight like i can see n feel that I'm not dumb I'm noticing that im beraly eating n shit n im getting weaker#I know that n it sucks I'm trying to beat it but I'm just not hungry n when i do get food i can never finish it and it sucks ass#but i just weighed myself bc my body dysphoria/morphia combo can still fuck w my brain and i lost like 2 kilos#which isnt a lot but I'm not actively trying n this is the first time in like 6 years I've gone below my goal weight#n like that kinda freaks me out bc thats like 'the goal weight' that I always needed to get to it moved over the years since i was a kid#but i remember that being like the eventual weight that was the minimum for me to be healthy w my height n all that#n this is the first time I'm below it since i first hit it which is like 5 years ago#n its lit 0.7 kilo below but still#kinda freaking out n annoyed abt that#so peace n love lads all fun very good ha ah aha hahahah 😘✌️#I'm fine btw#just needed to write it out its been stuck in my head n all that
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tried going to bed early bc ive just been sitting staring at the wall or my phone all afternoon but it's been 3 hours now and I can't stop crying. :(
#I dont even know why im so fucking sad. this last week has felt like getting hit by a train repeatedly for no reason whatsoever#and it fucking hurts so bad and i cant fix it because i dont know whats wrong!!!!!!#i think thsts why its been so hard sleeping lately like my brain is problem solving but theres nothing there to be solved#and i dont even have anyone to talk to about it and even if i did i wouldnt have anything to say bc i dont know im just fucking. sad#like yeah ive gotten upset abt other things but thats me projecting my mental state onto everything. theres no original cause#unless it really is just pms and some hormonal shit which is likely but kinda insane to think abt. like yeah my body has decided#to flood the entire fucking system with Kill That Egg™ for a straight week except its too effective and makes me want to kill myself also#but apparently not fucking effective enough to start my actual fucking period. yippee#i want a thousand year long hug and to cry rly snottily into someones shirt and then to fall asleep and wake up feeling rested#man. nothing makes me feel any different. exercising and sleeping and socialising and eating and showering and reading#and i can feel my interest in things trickling away like i havent been able to do a lot of shit i rly want to bc of this barrier#and ive been trying to make myself do some things regardless bc inactivity will just make it worse. but nothing works!!!!!!!#i dont even know anymore man. i do everything right and im still as depressed as i was like 8 years ago#and i know thats just the depressed brain talking like i know i dont constantly feel like this but its hard to see outside of it man#u spend ur whole life drowning but its ok bc sometimes u get ur head above the surface long enough to take a breath or whatever#insert overused mentally ill metaphor here etcetcetc#ok i think ive run out of things to say im gonna try sleep again. day 1 billion of making longass vent posts sorry everyone#gn#.vent
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