#I heard this Noah Kahan song and have not been well

[deancoded-deangirl]

destiel x dial drunk

i’ll dial drunk

i’ll die a drunk

i’d die for you

[rimouskis]

I'm going to preface this story by saying: I don't necessarily believe in karma, but

I may have been walking through today with a vague sense of disbelief tainted with unkind smugness after my tiktok fyp was flooded with poor fans who tried to get presale ticket to one mr n. kahan's new tour only to find that demand was through the roof and GA pit tickets were seriously going for $300, in presale, and even the "worst" tickets in the lawn were going for $70

and while I undoubtedly think it's deeply unethical for both platforms (thanks ticketmaster) and artists to allow such dramatic ticket cost inflation, I also generally don't relate...

I (VERY LUCKILY) gravitate towards smaller acts, and the most I've paid for a ticket all year has been, like... $90 for a ticket to beyonce, which got cancelled and I was refunded lol. if I look back at all my receipts from shows this year, most have been around $50/ticket after fees, and several have been closer to $20. my favorite show I've seen all year was a $15 ticket.

it's mostly luck—I tend to like smaller acts, and I've been seeing mainly rock acts this year, and those tickets simply don't run as high as pop acts. and part of me is honestly very grateful that I haven't been swept into any of the really recent huge acts.

I think of all the people scrabbling for boygenius or taylor swift tickets and how much money they've had to shell out... how a lot of them don't even GET to see the acts they want to see because they've been priced out or tickets sold out. I can't remember the last time a show I wanted to go to sold out lol. maybe bastille in london?

and again, it's just a matter of luck that I'm not really into any of these megastars and therefore don't have to compete in the gladiator arena to try to see shows I want to see, but sometimes luck manifests as a feeling of self-satisfaction, you know? who among us hasn't experienced a little self-superiority from time to time.

look, if YOUR tiktok was flooded with people saying concerts have been awful since 2021 (including rock and metal shows), but every concert YOU'VE been to since 2021 was amazing and the crowds were really good and you always got tickets and it never broke the bank, you'd feel pretty validated in your choice of musicians and the crowds they attract too, alright?? sue me! I felt frugal AND undeservedly clever!

anyways back to karma. guess who got invited and subsequently agreed to shell out $70 to sit in a lawn and listen to mr. n. kahan sing. I'll give you a hint, her tumblr username starts with an r and ends with an s

[ateezthings]

Soft moments with SKZ

pairings: bf!SKZ member x genderneutral!reader genre: soft fluff warnings: sweathearts and lovebugs everywhere, reader wears a dress on Chan's, tiny hint of angst in Changbin's, blood in Jisung's word count: 2 k songs to listen to while reading: patrick watson - je te laisserai des mots hazlett - cemetery noah kahan - orange juice danandphilbeats - end screen (yes, I'm a phannie, sue me) a/n: I'm deep in my skz feels, this new comeback is doing things to me. Also, yes, we're doing reverse age order cz we love our dudes Seungmo and Innie and I feel like they usually have a disadvantage, so enjoy. Beautiful banners by @cafekitsune

Jeongin

"Honey, have you seen my wallet?"

You were reading on the couch, while Jeongin turned your whole apartment upside down.

A bookmark now in your novel, you got up. "Well, do you remember when you had it last?"

"Not sure, could've been today, could've been yesterday... I definitely had it when I went to get coffee with Hyunjin Hyung yesterday." He rummaged through the whole wardrobe, looking into every single bag he owned.

You slowly walked into your shared bedroom where you kept the laundry. "Ugh, where the hell did I leave it?" You heard from the hall.

After going through a bunch of dirty laundry, you finally found the pair of pants Jeongin had worn yesterday. You found his wallet in his left back pocket. Jackpot.

Calmly, you walked to your boyfriend who was now going through all of his coats. You waved his wallet in front of his eyes.

"Oh my god, where did you find it?" He exclaimed.

"In the pants you'd worn yesterday, genius." He took it out of your hands and pressed a short kiss on your lips.

"Thank you, honey."

"I love it, when you depend on me for everyday tasks." You looked at him with love in your eyes.

He seemed mock-offended. "I do not, I'm very capable."

"Sure, Innie. Whatever you say." This time, you got on your tippie toes to press a kiss on his forehead.

Seungmin

"You have a little... thing on your chin." Seungmin wiped some latte foam from your chin. Before he could take his hand away, your intrusive thoughts won and your mouth snapped after his fingers.

"Hey! You freak." He took his hand away quickly but smiled brightly.

"At least I'm your freak." You retorted and took his hand in yours, massaging it a bit with your fingers.

His nose scrunched up. "Ew, that was too cheesy, even for you."

"Don't act like you don't love it, Minnie." You fluttered your lashes at him, got up from your seat and kissed his cheek.

He seemed taken aback by that. His ears and cheeks turned bright red and he opened his mouth but closed it again after no words came out.

You were very pleased with yourself. "That's what I thought."

Felix

4 am and you woke up again. You'd had too much coffee yesterday but things at work were also stressing you out, making you unable too sleep through the night.

You reached your hand over to your boyfriend's side of the bed but it was empty. In the dark, you tried to look around for him, but couldn't see much. It was unlike him to leave in the middle of the night.

So, you got up to look for him. It didn't take long, there was a faint light coming from the kitchen.

You carefully opened the door. "Babe? Is everything okay?"

The bright light in the kitchen hurt your eyes at first. After a few moments you got used to it and saw Felix in front of the stove heating up some milk.

He looked at you. "Yeah, sorry, did I wake you?"

"No, the third cup of coffee yesterday woke me... But when I reached over, you weren't there." You pouted.

"Aw, baby, I'm sorry." He came over to you, put his arms around your waist and kissed your cheek a few times. "I didn't mean to scare you. I simply couldn't sleep either and wanted to make a something hot to drink... Do you also want a hot chocolate?"

You nodded your head, still pouting. You lifted yourself up to sit on the counter next to the stove, so you could watch Felix.

He put some sugar, a pinch of salt and some cocoa powder into the frothed milk. Then he got two mugs and poured the chocolatey goodness inside. It was calming to watch him do the tasks one after the other.

When he was done, he gave you one mug and smiled at you. "There you go."

"Thank you, baby." The hot chocolate was smooth amd warm in your mouth, melting away some of the worries that had kept you up.

Jisung

"Oh, Ji, how did this happen?" Jisung had come to your shared bedroom, where you were reading your book. He pouted and clutched his hand, where blood came pouring out of his finger.

"I just wanted to make some dinner for you... and then the knife a personal vendetta against me."

You inspected his cut. It didn't seem to be that deep but a lot of blood came out. "Hold you hand high, babe." You turned him around and directed him into the bathroom.

This happened more often than you wanted to admit, so you'd routinely slipped into nurse mode.

You sat your boyfriend down on the toilet and got out the band-aids. First you disinfected his wound when Jisung winced in pain.

"Please, keep still, baby."

He pouted even more. "You keep still the next time I pour alcohol over an open wound of yours..." Sometimes he really was just a kid in a grown-up's body.

You gave him an amused look but continued bandaging up his finger. "There you go."

Jisung inspected your work and seemed impressed when he pressed onto the injured finger with his index finger on the other hand. "Thank you, sweetie."

"No problem, but babe, as much as I enjoy being your personal nurse, this is the third time this week you've injured yourself. Please be more careful, okay? I still need you in one piece."

"I swear I'm not doing it on purpose... even though I kind of like when you care for me like that." He smiled cheekily and pulled you towards him.

You couldn't help but bend down do kiss him.

Hyunjin

"Sweetie, I love you but you're getting the steps wrong... You're stepping on my feet a lot."

"Oh what? I only heard that you love me, Hyunie... I love you too." You playfully fluttered your lashes at him.

It was a lazy Sunday afternoon when you admitted to your boyfriend that you've never danced with a partner. It always seemed so romantic to you, the both of you dressed up, at a fancy event and dancing with the one you love until you were the only ones left on the damce floor. A bit old-fashioned? Yes, but definitely cute as hell.

Your boyfriend being the dancer that he is, couldn't help but offer you a waltz lesson.

He was a great dancer, he was able to lead you well. You however... had some troubles. Your feet constantly got mixed up, you couldn't lift your gaze because you were scared of tripping.

You took another step on your boyfriend's feet before he let go of you.

"Okay, babe, let's try something else." He took his index finger underneath your chin and lifted your head up so you would look at him. "Just look at me for now."

His dark brown eyes always pulled you in. The shape of his eyes, nose and lips were perfect to you so you spent some time analysing every single aspect of his face.

He took one your hands in his again and put his other hand on your waist. "Just keep looking at me and go where I lead you sweetie."

At first it wasn't easy to not look at the ground, but the longer you moved, the easier it got to dance with Hyunjin. Whenever he took a step forward, you noticed and took a step back. Whenever you felt him lift your hand, you knew it was time for a turn.

After some time you noticed how it felt completely natural to move like this. "Hyunie, I think we're doing it." You couldn't hide the excitement in your voice.

"Oh yes, we're doing it... and we're doing it well." He lifted your hand as a sign for you to do another turn under his lead.

Hyunjin made you turn quite fast and about halfway through you lost your balance, tripping over your own feet.

Luckily, your boyfriend caught you in the most cheesy way by wrapping his arms around your waist. Otherwise you would've fallen on your back. Hyunjin lifted you up again. "Did you just fall for me?"

You scrunched your nose up in disgust. "You're lucky I love you, otherwise I would've kicked you in the shin by now."

"Oh what? I only heard that you love me" Mocking you, he also fluttered his eyelashes at you.

This idiot was yours and you wouldn't have him any other way. You put your hands on his face to pull him closer for a kiss.

Changbin

You two had decided to take a walk at midnight. Since you both couldn't sleep, why not get a bit of fresh air outside?

"Jisung tripped over some trash today when we were on our way to the fan sign. It was hilarious, I almost peed myself a little."

You chuckled a bit. "That sounds funny as hell. I wish I could've been there."

There it was again: that tiny black cloud of sadness that came into your mind these days whenever you felt like you couldn't spend as much time with your boyfriend as you wanted to.

Changbin seemed to notice as he took your hand in his warm one. "Well, that's why I'm telling you this stuff." He smiled at you.

His thoughtfulness touched you. You stopped walking to wrap one arm around his shoulders to pull him closer.

You looked him deep in the eyes before you kissed him slowly but deeply.

"I love you, Changbin."

His eyes half-closed as he smiled blissfully. "That's the best reaction to an almost-pee story I've ever gotten."

Minho

It was in the late evening. You were lying on the couch watching a really bad dating show on TV when Minho finally came home.

"Babe, I'm home."

"I'm on the couch."

You heard tired feet being dragged over the ground. He stopped in front of the couch closing his eyes for a second. Then, without warning, he let himself fall on top of you. It was not as gentle as it sounds. "Ow, babe, be careful."

"Sorry, I'm just so exhausted." His arms snaked around your tummy and he nuzzled his face between your neck and your shoulder.

You pat his hair. "It's okay, baby, you can relax now."

It wasn't often that Minho let his jokey, cool attitude slip away completely and just let himself be however he was feeling at the moment. But you loved those moments a lot. You enjoyed being with him whatever mood he was in.

"I love you." There was only a slight snoring in return.

Chan

On a recent thrifting trip, you'd found a beautiful A-Line dress. You were currently trying it on in front of your bedroom mirror. It had flowy sleeves that made you feel like a fairy.

"Woah... baby, look at you!" Chan stopped in the doorframe to your bedroom. He just looked at you with big eyes.

You tried to dismiss him with a wave of your hand but he wasn't done.

"You look absolutely gorgeous." He walked up behind you and put his hands around your tummy. He rested his chin on your right shoulder. His eyes were fixated on the mirror in front of you, admiring the view.

"I really like this dress too." You smiled, feeling happy about your recent find.

"No, I'm talking about you. How did I get so lucky?" He pressed a few kisses to the nape of your neck. The moment felt so gentle, you closed your eyes.

After a few moments you turned around and put your arms around Chan's neck, gazing into his eyes.

"Thank you." You stated.

He raised his eyebrows. "What for? I didn't do anything."

"For what you're doing everyday. Thank you for being the best boyfriend ever, single day." His eyes sparkled and he kissed you gently on the forehead.

[frodopotter7]

The memories of Edwin Payne

(Or an interactive fanfiction)

Note: I had the headcanon that Edwin‘s notebook contains all his personal writing including the writings from his life as an Edwardian boy. So I wrote those entries in his notebook. Now this book is obviously all of Edwin‘s personal thoughts and I thought it would be fun to do a collaboration. So if you are a writer yourself or creative in any other way, feel free to use this entries as a starting point for another fanfiction. For example Charles finding the notebook and reading it or Crystal reading it or anything else. The only rule that I set is that you clearly mark my text and tag me, because first of all it was a lot of effort to write it and secondly I want to see what cool things you came up with. And if you don’t want to creatively interact with this fanfiction, then you can obviously just enjoy it by reading it.

Summary: Edwin Payne‘s most treasured item is his notebook, because it contains so much private information that no one else knows about him. Not even Charles. Including the struggles of a posh, gay, autistic Edwardian boy and his times before hell, in hell and shortly after hell.

Triggers: bullying, implied suicide, dolls

Shipping: Payneland, but you could also include other shipping in your part

The song that I thought of while writing:

One of Edwin’s most treasured objects was definitely his notebook. He had it all the time and he used it for every case they had. It meant a lot to him, since it was with him when he died. It was with him in hell and it was with him in his detective career. The reason why he never gave it to anyone, not even Charles, was that it had been with him even as a child. Well, back then he had several notebooks, but as he died every personal writing of his got transferred into it. The notebook always had enough pages and was still not getting thicker and his pen was always full of ink. And still even though it contained so many different notes, Edwin navigated through it without any problems. It was his own writing after all. His family sigil was carved into the black front cover and the word ‘Payne’ was written underneath it.

If anyone would open it and tried to start from the beginning, he would be greeted with Edwin’s signature under the printed words. ‘Family member:’ After that the handwriting would be harder to read. Scribbly, crossed out spelling mistakes and spilled ink from a little boy, who was writing for the first time. If you manage to identify the words it would read:

1905

Greetings,

my name is Edwin Payne. I am the only child of the family Payne. My father says, that mother wanted more children, but just failed every other time. You probably have heard about my family’s name. The family with the best lawyers of England. When I’m grown up, I will be a lawyer too. Lawyers are like detectives says my father. I like that. I like detectives.

My nanny told me to interact more with others. Why would I need to talk if there is no one to talk to anyways? My parents are often absent and my nanny is just not understanding me. My father says that I am too slow for my age. My motion skills too clumsy. My spoken words only contain information from detective books and I cannot properly respond to people yet. I know a lot of novels by heart though. Others just don’t seem to like talking about crimes as much as I do. Father sometimes lets me have a look in his older cases. They are interesting.

We visited a doctor again today, because of my slow development. We visit him quite often. Actually since I can remember. I don’t feel sick. He says there is nothing wrong with me. Still I know that something is wrong. I overreacted at loud noises. A lot of things stress me out.

1906

I haven’t writing about Cordelia Primrose Surname-von-Hovercraft. She is annoying, loud and a restless soul. She runs around the house and breaks rules just to get the attention. She is a bit younger than me, but that doesn’t justify her actions. I don’t like her. Although sometimes she be helpful. Like the time she stole the biscuit jar and gave me one of the special biscuits. They had to expel one of her nannies for this. But Cordelia had plenty nannies anyways. No one stays long with her. I had my nanny since I was born. I don’t like changes. Cordelia sometimes scares me with ghost stories. She says she would see them and that my fortune says that I will die a painful and early death. I don’t believe in this unscientific nonsense.

I take piano lessons now. It’s is fun. My mother seems to enjoy it. It is somehow the only way to get her attention for me.

Additionally to my regular private lessons I go to school now. Simon obviously needs to be in my class as well. I don’t like him. He bores me and he is too clingy. And sometimes he says mean things to me.

I had an outburst in class. Everything was just so loud and I was frustrated. The teacher hit my finger with the ruler and send me in the naughty corner. I don’t see why I get punished, when the other boys are clearly the distraction. Overall I am a good student. So it will probably not affect my grades.

My favorite subject is Latin and literature. I love books and translating old languages. It is like solving a code or a riddle. I don’t like maths, since it is all just numbers and no words.

1907

I had another outburst in class after Simon tried to touch me. He kept tapping my arm and I don’t like that. The teacher called a nurse, but I was too overwhelmed to respond to any of her questions to my health. I wanted to go home and I told her that again and again, but she didn’t understand. They called a priest. He said something in Latin. I think, it must have been biblical words. I tried to focus on translating them, but there was so much panic around me that I barely focused on anything. But I managed to calm myself after what felt like hours due to exhaustion.

My parents had a talk with the priest. He says that I am possessed by a demon. So now he straps me to a table and mumbled something in Latin again and again once a month or whatever I have an outburst. The robes around my wrist hurt. I am afraid. It is scary to know that there is something inside of me.

1908

I hate being possessed. Although I start to doubt that I have been in the first place. I did some research in the library and the real demonology books aren’t describing my symptoms. Even Cordelia, who usually always tells spooky stories, agrees with me. She said, if I was possessed she would have been the first one to know. She is a mystery to me.

1909

Today I saw a nice looking man across the street. I told my nanny that he looks like a basket full of oranges. My father uses that term a lot when he talks about young women, so I thought it is just a term to use if you think someone looks nice. She gasped and hit me lightly with the newspaper. It didn’t hurt but I didn’t understand what I was doing wrong. She told me that a man cannot say that to another man. I guess the saying is reserved for women then.

1910

I started to mask my uncomfortable feelings in public. It is difficult, but it helps. My parents and the priest both think that I am healed.

1911

I got called a Mary Ann for the first time. I asked my nanny and she started to mumble to herself how she must have failed. I told her that she did a really great job, since I would consider myself very well behaved and educated. She ignored me and told me to not tell my parents. How should I tell them if they are never there in the first place?

I did some research again, which mainly was asking Simon. I know, getting down on his level is a hard sacrifice. He told me that a Mary Ann is a boy who behaves like a girl and isn’t manly enough so they love other men. I thought about that for a long time. What is it about me that makes me a Mary Ann?

The writing in the book started to get better and appeared way more elegant. You could find little drawings here and there. Edwin was quite a good and realistic artist. Drawings of flowers, buildings, his nanny, his mother or Sherlock Holmes.

1912

Mother is constantly coughing loudly. It is irritating. Not even cocaine will help. They don’t let me in her room. They fear I would catch it too. Not that I was ever close to her before.

Mother is in a special hospital now. She took the train far away in a hospital in the mountains. No one ever returns from there. I know it. Everyone does. I will not see her again.

Mother died of tuberculosis. I miss her, I guess. I don’t know what I miss. It is a change. I hate changes.

1913

Father is sending me to a boarding school for boys. He says it’s for my education. I know, he just wants to get ride of me.

I hate the new school. Simon is here and people are still calling me a Mary Ann. Simon started to join them. I guess he sees it as a new opportunity to mock me.

I take fencing lessons now. It is nice, since it is not required any sort of touch with other boys. Nothing that I can be blamed for.

1914

I found a hideout in the school attic. It is a great place to read in peace.

The world has started a war. It worries me. They tell us that we are save in the school. But in the end all you can do is pray.

I came back home on Christmas. My nanny was gone. Father said they would be no need for her any longer, since I am in school now anyway. He looked like he knew something, but wasn’t going to tell me.

1915

The next page had some blood drops on its pages.

I want to go home. I want to be back in my room with my detective books. I want to be healed from this darkness inside of me. My nose is bleeding from another attack by the other boys. They started to get more violent now. Simon isn’t joining them, but he watches.

I came home on Christmas, but it wasn’t my home anymore. Just a house. My father didn’t speak a word. I asked him, if it was about the war and he looked up towards me. I could feel his cold gaze from across the table. He took out a letter and slammed it on the table. It was from my headteacher. I was confused. I am class best and the best behaved student in class? The only reason why I get to stand in the naughty corner is if I got caught reading in my comics or books. In my defense I am usually already finished with the exercises if I read in class. What could possibly be a problem with me? The letter was about the other boys calling me Mary Ann. And that they didn’t wanted a boy like that in their school. That I should stop whatever was wrong with me. My father told me in his absent voice, that he was not having a son like that either. He had exchanged letters with the headmaster for quite some time now and I didn’t seem to get better. I asked him that I had no idea. He interrupted me as always. Told me that the only way to make me a man would be to send me to war. I started to cry and he continued holding a speech about heroism and that his generation had understood this so much better than mine. I am too young for war, he knows that too. He told me that the only thing rescuing my life is my good grades. He sees potential in me as a lawyer. He has talked to the Surnames-von-Hovercrafts they agreed that I should marry their daughter as soon as possible. I mean I knew that I would be married to Cordelia one day, but not already when I turn 16. That’s only some months away.

As the train brought me back to the boarding school and as I saw my father standing in the doorway of the house with his usual expressionless face, I knew that this was the last time I would see him and that he wished to rather have no son than me. I just knew it.

1916

Simon stole my hat. I wouldn’t mention this minor form of his bullying, if it hadn’t been a special hat. My mother and I bought it, when her disease hadn’t been noticeable. It was too large back then, but it suits me now. Or rather suited. I don’t think I will see it again as Simon comes up with the best ways to either destroy or hide it. I cried about it. Childhood is over, but honestly I don’t think it ever started in the first place at least not for me.

The numbness is spreading inside my body. I think about the military and the forced marriage daily. I am too young for this. I cannot even properly cope in a classroom. How am I supposed to cope in the war? My hands are to soft. My brain is too precious. Please, spear me. They won’t. It is just a question of time.

I went to the lake today. It is spring and still fairly cold, but I went inside non the less. It was cold. Ice cold. I went under water and yelled out some poetic nonsense. I thought about staying under water. Turning into Ophelia. But I reminded myself, that this is something a coward would do. A Mary Ann. I would proof everyone’s suspicions as correct. Scared to live. Scared to die. I got out of the water. My gaze landed on my clothes and the letter. My father had written me that the marriage would be held in some days, since I am 16 now. I ripped the paper in half and tossed it into the ocean. Letting the water destroy the writing on the paper. Of course this would make nothing undone. I would still need to marry. I would still need to go into the military. I would still need to die. I am frightened. The other boys seem unbothered. They laugh and play like the world isn’t ending around us. Well, their world is probably not ending anyways. They will live. Their parents are rich after all. They have the privilege. I would have had this privilege as well, but they took it from me by putting this name on me. I took it from myself with my impure thoughts.

Cordelia sent me a telegram that just read that I would need to be careful as death was approaching me in the worst way. I hate her for that. As if I wouldn’t know that. As if I wouldn’t know that I needed to go into the army soon. Not a single word about our forced wedding. I thought we had always agreed to both be against it. But then again she isn’t even trying to love me. Not that I would try. Not anymore. I tried when I was younger, because I was told to. But Cordelia has just no idea how to react appropriately to a gentleman. Her behavior makes it hard to believe that she is from such a high rank.

I saw Simon with a weird book today. He told me it is from his brother and that it is about demons. I told him that this was total nonsense and that he should get a grip on reality. He didn’t spoke to me again after that. Weird for someone who is as annoying as him. I am going to put my notebook in the pocket of my sleeping clothes tonight just to make sure Simon cannot steal it. I have a bad feeling in my stomach. My heart is aching for absolutely no reasons. I am afraid as I try to sleep tonight and the worst thing is that it is irrational. I am going to die alone, this is all my head produces right now.

?

Now every page was covered with blood at the side of the pages and sometimes even on the writing itself. There were no drawings to be found anymore. Just drawings for the escape plan and hierarchy of hell.

I don’t know if my dates are correct. I don’t know how time works in here. I don’t even know how long I am able to write without this thing waking up. This thing with the many doll heads. This spider like creature that kills me every time I move or make a sound. I sometimes wonder what happened to the other boys.

I try to change my perspective. It is hard when you are in so much pain. My brain learned to be sharper now. I can think and act quicker. I need to see this as one of my old detective games or as the times that I had to run away from my bullies. Everything is achievable with logic. Although I would say after being in hell for such a long time that might be a delusional optimism.

1988

I think I made it out fairly well. I am still uncontrollably shaky when I hear any noises. I fear that this demon might comeback to get me. I am back in the old school attic where they strapped me down on the table and sacrificed me. I learned a lot from hell and from the books in the attic. Like the basic ghost rules or that my death and the death of my bullies were labeled an act of god. I compared hell to the war a lot. After all I would say that hell was definitely the worse death. Much longer torture than war would have been. In the war you die just one death after all. But maybe a Mary Ann like me would have ended up there anyway.

I finally was brave enough to get out of the attic. I figured out that the year is 1988 from a newspaper that one of the teachers was reading. 72 years of torture. I wonder how often I was torn apart in this time. But I shouldn’t think about that. That reminds me of the pain and of the times when I tried to count my own corpses. The school hasn’t changed a lot. The teachers are less violent, but still rather strict. They have more lower class people here now. I can see it by the ways they behave and by the clothes they wear. That is especially confusing for me. So rude, so explicit, so freely. It is not a boarding school anymore. Luckily that gives me the freedom to have my peace after dark.

I started to watch a specific boy. I am not a stalker. At least I wouldn’t use this therm for a ghost. He is just interesting for my scientific research about this time. The boy has a darker skin. Some children in this school have this skin and get picked on, but somehow he isn’t the one who gets pick on. He wears very interesting clothes. Especially the golden earring. Something I would just see a woman wear, but it fits him so much better than it could ever fit a woman. His clothing is mostly black, though I would say that the red shirt he once worn fits him best. His lips have always a smile on them and he cracks loud jokes. But I see the sadness in his eyes. I recognize my own sadness in his eyes. His name is Charles Rowland. I heard the teacher yell it at him. A little trouble maker in class. He seems to never be able to focus. Maybe he is also possessed like I was when I was a young boy. But after experiencing hell, I doubt that the priest back then had any idea what a demon was really like.

The following page is filled with a very realistic drawing of Charles, who is smiling so iconically and his eyes seem to be filled with emptiness and some smaller doodles of Charles playing Cricket or talking to others.

Charles Rowland. His name repeats itself in my brain. I am not obsessive. He is just the best way of distraction I can find in this school. Distraction from the fear of hell. The fear of death coming back for me. Analysis and observation keep me away from those horrible thoughts. I have less panicle outbursts since I started my observation of this boy. Although when I am alone at night in the school attic I often start to cry in silence and my breathing races again.

Charlie. That is what his friends call him. It doesn’t suit him. Charles is his name. Not Charlie. I don’t like his friends. They are rude. They remind me of the boys in my old life. I wonder why I like Charles then. Maybe because he points out obvious misbehavior of the group even if they mock him.

The most interesting time is when Charles thinks that he is alone. That is mostly in the dressing room, when he gets ready for Cricket. As a short notion he is a fabulous cricket player, but he always waits till the other boys have changed and are out of the room. He pretends to struggle with his shoes or shorts. Even if that sometimes means that it is getting really dark outside. His smiles fades completely then. I saw the scars on his body. I feel bad for even looking at him in that state. Seeing a boy my age without a shirt is clearly inappropriate and it triggers the Mary Ann inside of me, but sometimes my detective senses is taking over too much. Especially after I saw all the scars and bruises. You don’t need to be that clever to understand that his family probably his father beats him. Although beating may be a too mild verb for those scars. I appreciate the absence of my father when I see him. My father and teachers used to beat me as well. With a ruler or the flat hand though not as much as my classmates. And after being through hell, that all seems like nothing in comparison. But even in my time no father would have mistreated their sons like that. I speak from a higher class, maybe it had been different in the lower class, but they were happy if their sons made it through childhood without a disease or scars so they could work properly. Although maybe they did this with the child workers. Is Charles secretly a child worker? Is there still child labour? Why would someone bruise their son like that if their son could provide a great income for the family? Or how many things was Charles doing something seriously wrong?

1989

His friends talked about me last night. They had cricket practice until the sun had settled and on the way back home I heard them talking about a school ghost. The janitor must have heard my weeping last night. My hysteria yesterday was indeed a lot. Too much to handle for myself. I think I was shaking till dawn. This vivid fear must have crossed over into the living world. They told Charles, that this had scared the janitor and he quitted. Then they told him of Mary Ann who was sacrificed 1916 and killed all the boys that night. Charles questioned this logically, since it was an all boys school, so there probably was never a girl. I certainly appreciate his thinking, but this just triggered a lot in me. Being called a Mary Ann even after all this years. Being remembered only as a Mary Ann. Being blamed as the murderer. Those boys clearly had no idea of what the term Mary Ann actually meant, but it just triggered me so badly that I started to panic again. My panic must have bursted through the worlds again, because the boys suddenly turned white and ran home. Charles stayed a little longer. Looking in my direction. I know he couldn’t see me, but maybe he could sense my panic more than the other boys could. Again we are much a like if you observe closely. After this strange second of him just starting into nothing and me starting back, he ran away as well.

I need to leave this place. But I am too scared. Too scared of the outside world. Too scared of the changes.

I wanted to leave today, be brave enough. But I heard Charles ‘friends’ talking bad about him behind his back. How weird he behaved. They had no idea about his scars. Then again if I would be his friend, which is rather unlikely, I wouldn’t confront him. I know how horrible I panic if someone says the word Mary Ann, I imagine that it is a similar situation for him with his scars. I stayed. I don’t know why. Again irrational fears.

I wish I would have left. I saw Charles defending a boy who got bullied by his so called friends. I felt tears in my eyes, because this was the kind of protection I had wished for when I was alive. I definitely feel too many emotions at the moment or maybe it just feels like more emotions because I was mostly numb in hell. The younger boy could escape with only a few bruises, but his friends still were in this blood lust. In this moment of still wanting the fun even though there was nothing funny about the action in the first place. I have seen those faces before. The faces of murders who only realize their actions when it is too late. They stoned him in the cold water. The water of the lake in which I once thought about killing myself a long time ago. I wanted to help. I wanted to stop them, but I had no idea what I could do. I am too new in this ghostly body. I tried desperately, but I ended up only pausing them by holding them back for a short time. It gave Charles time to ran away to the school building. He hid in the attic. I wanted to help him. The least I could do was by giving him a light. He was in a state where a floating light probably was his least problem. It turned out that he could see me and that was the moment I knew it was too late for him anyway. It was a strange sensation to properly speak again. I had never spoken in hell and in my ghost form I had only weeped. Hearing my own voice was odd. I was shortly surprised that I still knew how to use my voice. Reading to him from one of my old comics in the attic calmed him and gave me the opportunity to adapt a bit to talking for a longer period of time. He stayed with me, which honestly stresses me out a lot. I am not made to be a friend. I have been isolated for too long to be a good friend. I have been in hell for so long that I am probably a horrible person myself. I haven’t talked in so long. I am just adapting to just have conversations, how should I teach him to be a ghost, if I haven’t figured it out myself? Even if that all would not be the case and even if we would not be from different times, still I never have been good with other people. I never had friends. The only person a bit close to me was Cordelia and she was always more a sister for me. And still he chooses a stranger his own afterlife. From my observations I would blame his intentional behavior. He sees something and does something without thinking long. Although this decision might be too big for only this explanation.

I really can’t understand why Charles is choosing me over his afterlife. I just read to him once and gave him a lantern. He barely knows me and now he follows me everywhere. I showed him some ghost tricks and somehow I can really impress him by everything I say or do. But he made me smile for the first time in my life. So I am impressed by him as well. Whenever I read in this book, I just tell him that I like to keep record of things. That I would plan were we can go next as we no longer can stay in the school and waking around without plan is never good for too long. It is partly a lie I really am making a plan. But I do this in my head rather than writing it down, but it is an excuse for not letting him see my private writing. I tell him that it is rather boring planning and he believes me. I feel bad for lying to him, but if he would know about my past he surely would leave me and I would be all alone again.

We mirror traveled together to London. Charles felt a bit sick after it. He seems to still need to adapt to his ghost body. I was a bit overwhelmed with his sudden mood shift. I have been too selfish all my life and in my death so much that I don’t know how to help. He didn’t notice or he just didn’t say anything. But we had to mirror travel, it was too dangerous in the school after Charles died. Besides Charles is a talented and athletic boy, he will get the grip of it. In addition death could have caught me in the attic. I didn’t tell him why I am on the run. Not yet. I fear that once I tell him that I was in hell, he will think I am evil. Maybe that is true. Maybe I am just doomed. I feel like it was my fault that he died. I watched him so long with this incorrect feelings of mine. Maybe this cursed him like in a Greek tragedy. For now I just want to make sure that Charles is not alone. I had been alone for too long to know how dreadful it can get and he is much more social than I am.

We visited his family in London. A real rural area. His mother was crying over the loss of her son. His father just seemed to see it as a natural thing to happen to those who aren’t careful enough. I made a mental note to haunt this man every year to Charles’ death day without telling Charles. The school, once again, swept the problem under the carpet and made it appear like an accident. How can someone possibly stone himself while being in the water and then run in an attic? No clever detective would see that as the solution. I said that out loud and it turned out that Charles and I both share a passion for detective stories. That was something to make him smile. But he started to cry again as he saw how desperate his mother and sister were. He hugged me, which was a lot. I never have been hugged before and at first it felt like this demon from hell was gripping around me again. I froze in place and pushed him away in a reflex. Charles stopped. I didn’t tell him about the hell part, but I told him that I am not used to hugs and touches in general. He took it in surprisingly well, but for his own sake I added that I might could get used to it. I hope that I am able to get used to it. Charles sees it as something that he can teach me.

It was just a matter of time till my hell trauma wouldn’t be able to keep hidden anymore. We were in an abandoned apartment, since we both are not staying out the whole night. We don’t have to sleep but it is just too awkward. He usually talks through the whole night and I like his voice even with his weird way of talking. He likes me reading to him. He even carries all my books for me. But as we explored the abandoned house, I discovered an old doll. I overreacted I know. But there was just so much panic inside of me all of the sudden. My fight or flight mood was activated again. I don’t know what Charles did. I don’t know how he managed to stop me from repeating the word ‘Please spare me. I don’t belong in hell.’ I vaguely remember his hands securely holding my head and his shining dark eyes and his calm voice, but I don’t remember his words. He was confused by my sudden changed behavior, but he tried to not show that whole calming me. Once he had calmed me, I obviously had to tell him the truth. I gave him the opportunity to leave me again, but he stayed and he understood, said that this is probably the worst thing someone could have been through. We didn’t speak the rest of the night, but we continued the next day as if nothing had happened.

It is harder to continue my writing as Charles could find out and I don’t want him to know about this. He is so lively. He is jumping and sprinting around, while telling me things and just appears from behind. I cannot risk that. We have a detective agency now. We don’t want that others have their deaths so badly twisted as ours. Another reason was that he had introduced me to a game called Clue, which is basically a detective game, and then we both came up with the idea of starting our own detective agency. He is the brawn and I am the brain. It fits perfectly. We even managed to get a abandoned flat in London. I probably have no time to continue this memoirs, but I will make sure to use my notebook as a case lock book from now own.

I will never tell him about the real meaning of the word Mary Ann. I will never tell him that I had been in the school for a whole year and not just shortly before his death. I will never tell him that I have watched and observed him. I appreciate him now too much. I don’t ever want to lose him.

After that only a whole lot of cases and notes and questions on them followed.

[st4rgzer]

ORANGE JUICE matt sturniolo

summary: y/n comes back after a few tough months (very much recommend listening to orange juice by noah kahan before reading)

genre: fluff and angst

cw: big TW for recovering and becoming sober :)

a/n: again, theres more info in the songs if this doesn’t make much sense but yeah, hope y’all like it<3, will do more song rec fics, i love them

The triplets called me today, they heard I was better and they were hanging out with Nate and some other friends, so I decided to tag along.

It’s been 6 months on the dot since I got sober, I think they know about it. I’ve kind off disappeared from the face of the earth, changing myself, and I wasn’t sure if some people would approve.

I knock on the door and I’m greeted by Nick immediately, he engulfs me in a hug that lasts about a minute

“nick I missed you too but I think that’s enough” I laughed, trying to unwrap his arms, he eventually does it himself.

“yeah stop hogging her!” Chris says before wrapping his arms around me in yet another never ending hug. After a bit, Im left standing in front of Matt, he’s different, he’s grown a little bit of a beard, barely a beard, more like a stubble, a smile creeps up on my face, a familiar one, a feeling I hadn’t felt in a long time.

“you look great” he smiles at me, coming closer and embracing me in my third hug in the span of 5 minutes, I linger there for a little longer, he sighs and rests his head on the crook of my neck, his words tickle. “I’ve missed you, a lot” I giggle a bit as the stubble brushed against me jawline. I break from the hug as soon as I remember Nick, Chris, and Nate are waiting on us. “I missed you too” I whispered before Nick began ranting on about the things I’ve missed.

“And we’ve been on tour! And we’re going again soon” he explains as the end of his Ted talk comes to an end.

“wow! Thats great, im so happy for you guys” I can’t help but have a huge smile on my face, looking at the three and realizing how much they’ve grown without me, and the fact they’ve waited for me and they’re not mad at me for leaving, no questions asked.

“What have you been up to?” Matt asks with a quiet voice “if you don’t mind us asking” he quickly reassures me I don’t have to say anything I’m not comfortable with.

“Well, I’ve been getting help, doing better now” I leave it there, not wanting to give any more information than I needed to, not right now at least.

“That’s amazing, we’re proud of you” Matt places a hand on mine for comfort, everyone nods agreeing.

“Wanna help me with the snacks?” Matt breaks the silence, I nod and he leads me to the kitchen, it hasn’t changed a bit since I got here, there’s just more stuff, it’s more lived in, I like it.

I open the fridge and see a row of beers at the bottom, probably for when friends come over, my body goes tense and the sounds around me become muffled, I snap out of it when Matt pats on my shoulder.

“Hey, you alright?” He ask’s concerned, I know he’s trying to keep a calm expression but I can tell he’s worried.

“Yeah I’m fine just- got caught up for a second” I utter out with a sigh, I don’t notice my hand trembling till he grabs it.

“Theres orange juice here, I know it’s your favorite” he says softly, rubbing the palm of my hand, making sure I looked at him in the eyes so I wouldn’t get distracted with something else.

“Yeah? Thanks, I’ll get it then” I smile at him, he kissed the tips of my fingers gently

“Anything you need ok? Count on me, please” he begged, looking at me with sincerity, no games.

I nodded and the corners of my mouth turned upwards as it hit me that I was with him again, after such a long time, for me at least. I then grabbed the orange juice from the fridge and poured myself a cup, Matt glancing at me with a smile on his face as I did so.

Our hearts have changed, our faces have changed, but we’ll always find our way back to each other, no matter the changes we succumb to, and I’ll always hold that in my heart.

taglist: @iha8you @dwntwn-strnlo @slaysturniolo @stvrni0lo @strniolo @gabbylovesreading @sturn3g1rl @ifilwtmfc

[curiositymemes]

STICK SEASON: WE'LL ALL BE HERE FOREVER.

taken from the 2023 album by noah kahan. trigger warnings for mental illness, trauma, medication, references to suicide, and the exquisite agony of life in rural new england. feel free to change wording and pronouns and provide context as necessary. do not add to this list.

northern attitude.

how you been? 

you settled down?

you feelin’ right? 

you feelin’ proud?

you settle in to routine.

what does it mean? 

i’m not how you hoped.

you’re gettin’ lost.

scared to live, scared to die. 

you’re feelin’ lost.

stick season.

you must’ve had yourself a change of heart.

now i am stuck between my anger and the blame that i can’t face.

it’s half my fault, but i just like to play the victim. 

i’ll dream each night of some version of you that i might not have but i did not lose. 

i thought that if i piled something good on all my bad i could cancel out the darkness i inherited from dad. 

i miss the way you laugh.

you once called me forever now you still can’t call me back.

that’ll have to do.

my other half was you.

i hope this pain’s just passin’ through, but i doubt it. 

all my love.

how have things been?

well, love, now that you mention it.

i’m sayin’ too much, but you know how it gets out here.

now i know your name, but not who you are.

it’s all okay, there ain’t a drop of bad blood.

you got all my love.

if you need me, dear, i’m the same as i was.

what i’d give to have you out of me.

i still recall how the leather in your car feels.

and at the end of it all, i just hope that your scars heal.

i swear i was scared to death.

i smiled stupid the whole way home.

you said, ‘i’ll never let you go.’

she calls me back.

there was heaven in your eyes. 

everything’s alright.

look at me and don’t you lie.

don’t you hold your head up high.

for bullshit, i do not have time.

do you lie awake restless?

why am i so obsessive?

this town’s the same as you left it.

the radio is taunting me.

i don’t get much sleep most nights.

i’m seeing you in every dream.

if only i could fall asleep. 

i’ll love you when the oceans dry. 

i was too afraid of living life in your footsteps.

come over.

it was there when we got here, will be there when we leave.

you won’t have to guess who they’re speakin’ about.

i’m in the process of clearin’ out cobwebs. 

i was takin’ the wrong meds; feels good to be sad.

my house is just barely big enough for my family.

my mouth was designed for my foot to fit in it.

i promise you, darlin’.

you won’t ever go back.

i know that it ain’t much.

i know that it ain’t cool.

you don’t have to tell the other kids at school.

someday i’m gonna be somebody people want.

new perspective.

makin’ me nostalgic.

we were kids; but that don’t make this less hard.

if i could fly i doubt i’d even do it. 

i’d probably get high and crash or somethin’ stupid.

gave me your word.

i can’t pronounce it.

no thing so sure that i can’t learn to doubt it.

everywhere, everything.

would we survive in a horror movie?

we trust everyone we meet.

we’re littered with scars from our preteens.

i wanna love you ‘til we’re food for the worms to eat.

‘til our fingers decompose, keep my hand in yours. 

i know every route in this county.

maybe that ain’t such a bad thing.

i’ll tell you where not to speed.

it’s been a long year.

orange juice.

honey, come over.

it’s yours if you want it.

we’re just glad you could visit. 

feels like i’ve been ready for you to come home for so long.

i didn’t think to ask you where you’d gone. 

why’d you go?

my heart has changed and my soul has changed.

you just asked me to hold you.

it made you a stranger and it filled you with anger.

my life has changed.

the world has changed.

don’t you find it strange that you just went ahead and carried on?

are we all just pullin’ you down?

strawberry wine.

darling, speak to me.

don’t you say a word.

you thought you were cursed?

i’m in love with every song you’ve ever heard.

if i could lose you, i would.

all the time we used to have.

the things i miss but know are never coming back. 

no thing defines a man like love that makes him soft.

growing sideways.

finally found some middle ground.

i said, ‘i’m cured.’

i divvied up my anger into thirty separate parts.

i’m still angry at my parents for what their parents did to them.

it’s a start.

but i ignore things and i move sideways ‘til i forget what i felt in the first place.

i know there are worse ways to stay alive.

everyone’s growing and everyone’s healthy.

if my engine works perfect on empty, i guess i’ll drive. 

i forgot my medication, fell into a manic high.

now i’m sufferin’ in style.

why is pain so damn impatient? ain’t like it’s got a place to be.

if all my time was wasted, i don’t mind. 

i’ll watch it go.

it’s better to die numb than feel it all.

halloween.

the dawn isn’t here, the sun hasn’t rose.

they got money to make and children back home.

i worry for you, you worry for me.

the bridges have long since been burnt. 

i’m leavin’ this town and i’m changin’ my address.

i know that you’ll come if you want.

i’m losin’ myself.

i’m seein’ my life on a screen.

i know that you fear that i’m wicked and weary.

i know that you’re fearin’ the end. 

i only tell the truth when i’m sure that i’m lyin’. 

homesick.

are you bored yet?

the weather ain’t been bad if you’re into masochistic bullshit.

this place is such great motivation for anyone tryna move the fuck away from hibernation. 

time moves so damn slow i swear i feel my organs failing.

i stopped caring ‘bout a month ago, since then it’s been smooth sailing. 

i would leave if only i could find a reason. 

i got dreams, but i cant make myself believe them. 

i’ll spend the rest of my life with what could have been. 

i will die in the house that i grew up in.

i’m homesick. 

still.

i don’t wanna say goodbye.

it only falls into place when you’re fallin’ to pieces.

you miss something that you can’t place but you can’t deny it. 

you can’t stay here.

it’s hard to face and it feels too ugly.

it’s like i’m still here with you. 

can i fix what is broken?

the view between villages (extended). 

for a minute, the world seems so simple.

i am not scared of death.

i’ve got dreams again.

there is meanin’ on earth. 

i feel so far from it.

it’s all washin’ over me. 

i’m angry again. 

the things that i lost here, the people i knew.

they got me surrounded for a mile or two. 

i found a town big enough for anything i want.

i’m not a city girl, by any means.

it still has a lot of meaning to me.

i grew up there. 

your needs, my needs.

you ain’t gotta tell me what it means.

i promise to be there this time. alright? 

you were a work of art.

that’s the hardest part.

i’m naming the stars in the sky after you.

dial drunk.

i promised to forget you.

i ain’t takin’ any fault.

am i half the man i used to be? i doubt it.

forget about it, whatever.

it’s all the same anyways.

i ain’t proud of all the punches that i’ve thrown. 

for the shame of being young, drunk, and alone.

i gave your name as my emergency phone call.

i’d die for you.

from charmin’ to alarmin’ in seconds.

i’ll let the pain metastasize.

i beg you, sir, just let me call.

let’s wait, i swear she’ll call me back.

son, are you a danger to yourself?

fuck that, sir.

son, why do you do this to yourself?

paul revere.

this place had a heartbeat in its day.

nothin’ was the same.

it just ain’t that simple, it never was.

one day i’m gonna cut it clear.

i’m not from around here.

i’ll leave before the road crew’s out. 

i’ll turn up the music and i’ll forget.

i’m not ready to let go yet.

i’ll just pretend i didn’t hear.

it’s typical, i fear.

folks just disappear.

if i could leave, i would’ve already left.

no complaints.

i thought i had something and that’s the same as having something.

i get mad at nothing.

i pull no punches, then feel bad for months.

thought i was raised better, tried to fake better.

now the weight of the world ain’t so bad.

i saw the end, it looks just like the middle.

i filled the hole in my head with prescription medication.

who am i to complain?

now the pain’s different. It still exists, it just escapes different.

yes, i’m young and living dreams.

i’m in love with being noticed and afraid of being seen.

call your mom.

oh, you’re spiralin’ again.

don’t you cancel any plans.

stayed on the line with you the entire night ‘til you let it out and let it in.

don’t let this darkness fool you.

i’ll drive all night.

i’ll call your mom.

oh, dear, don’t be discouraged.

i’ve been exactly where you are.

if you could see yourself like this.

you’dve never tried it.

stayed on the line with you the entire night ‘til you told me that you had to go.

throw a punch, fall in love, give yourself a reason.

don’t wanna drive another mile wonderin’ if you’re breathin’.

won’t you stay with me?

you’re gonna go far. 

this is good land, or at least it was.

it takes a strong hand and a sound mind.

it makes me smile to know when things get hard, you’ll be far from here.

pack up your car.

put a hand to your heart.

say whatever you feel.

be wherever you are.

we ain’t angry at you, love. 

you’re the greatest thing we’ve lost.

the birds will still sing.

we’ll be waiting for you, love.

we’ll all be here forever.

we spent so long just getting by.

that’s the thing about survival; who the hell likes livin’ just to die?

you told me you would make a difference.

it won’t be by your own volition if you step foot outside this town.

it’s all we’ve had for always.

you’re gonna go far.

if you wanna go far, then you gotta go far.

forever.

let’s drive for no reason.

you look fine in the evening.

honey, it’s starting to storm.

used to wish i meant anything to anywhere, to anyone.

i’m glad i get forever to see where you end.

i won’t be alone for the rest of my life.

i’ll meet a girl in the heat of july.

i’ll tell her so she knows.

i’m broke, but i’m real rich in my head.

when i hold her close, i might loosen my grip, but i won’t ever let her go.

[jessicaslittlelovesickmess]

Stick Season

Pairing: Emily Prentiss x reader, Larissa Weems x reader

Warnings: angst, hints of miscarriage

The team sat drinking in Emily's apartment “Oh and what about that woman you dated! The pretty one” Morgan laughed “Y/n?” She responded confused. “Yeah! What happened to her?” Penelope gasped wide-eyed “Um- she moved away” Emily swallowed.

“She was so pretty” JJ sighed leaning back on the sofa “I still remember her babysitting Henry for me” she smiled “She has talent” JJ tilted her drink. The radio played softly in the background as the group made Emily's ex the main subject "Imagine having to tell people how badly you fumbled" Morgan shook his head.

Penelope hummed along before starting to sing, JJ joined in until Spencer and Morgan hummed too "And I'm terrified of the weather, 'cause I see you when it rains". Emily closed her eyes listening to the music, Hotch and Rossi looked knowingly. This was you.

"Doc told me to travel, but there's COVID on the planes" They all stood to dance not realising the lyrics just yet or maybe they did. "And I love Vermont but it's the season of the sticks" Emily's eyes opened you always wanted to visit Vermont, that's where your mum was from. It had been two years almost since you had broken up "And I saw your mom, she forgot that I existed" Emily wanted to laugh.

"And it's half my fault, but I just like to play the victim" She knew it was partly a dig at her "I'll drink alcohol 'til my friends come home for Christmas". You never drank because your dad was an alcoholic "And I'll dream each night of some version of you!!!" Spencer's voice cracked.

"That I might not have, but I did not lose" Emily quickly stood, on a race to the bathroom, closing the door only making the music seem louder. "No, I am no longer funny 'cause I miss the way you laugh. You once called me forever now you still can't call me back."

She had to find you and it wasn't hard she knew you tried to contact her still Emily watched the phone ring through unable to face she had hurt you. Stick season was the name of your song. It came out a year ago but now you were posting some gorgeous blonde on Instagram,

You were finally doing everything you had always planned, you looked happy Larissa had proposed on your anniversary she seemed nice. The more she scrolled Larissa was a principal for what school it didn't say but your following had boosted. You'd made it just like you spoke about.

There was another picture- a few actually that stood out a picture of a dove but you were scared of birds the caption read Joanne Prentiss. Emily didn't know a Joanne and definitely not one with her last name, it was posted a few months after you broke up. Another picture closer to when you had moved out was two plates but only one set of cutlery. It flew over Emily's head, had you been seeing Larissa longer than the internet said?" she wondered still stalking you.

"I hope this pains just passin' through, but I doubt it" Emily slumped against the bathtub watching the last two years of your life in pictures. Everyone made sure to remind her how she let you go but back then it felt best.

You will marry Larissa who helped you gain your shine back and she'll rot at work, you will continue a family while hers will grow without her. You will be happy and that's all she could hope for until she accidently liked a post from when you moved to Vermont.

"Em? Are you okay?" you messaged not long after but Emily couldn't bring herself to say the truth "I'm great, Penelope was on my phone" she frowned. 'Okay, I'm just checking but it's good to hear you're still alive' Two years for this, Emily still lying. It's the alcohol she tried to pass 'Yeah I guess, I heard your song it's...' Emily typed only to delete it 'Yeah, I'm sorry I wasn't there' No Emily.

'I love you- no' 'yeah I guess so, I see you're well' the song was coming to an end "Now your tire tracks and one pair of shoes. And I'm split in half, but that'll have to do" JJ sang loudly. It took a moment for you to respond 'Yeah it took a while, life was tough but it wasn't anything I hadn't gone through before'.

'Can we be friends?' Emily was quick to text 'I'm not sure, you really hurt me but only time will tell. I have to go now Em, Larissa just got home but please take care'.

[kacievvbbbb]

🎼🌸PlayList 🌸🎶

Thank you everyone that gave me Mishanks song recs!

They were so great and I got a lot of new music (which was the real goal) but yes Thank you so much for sharing! 😊🌸

I got very inspired and thought I'd share some of the songs that really started to feel very Mishanks to me.

Change “I don’t care that you’re a stoner” to serial killer and this is definetly Shanks about Mihawk vibes .

I don’t know very Mihawk about the whole situation and their falling out. He’ll never say it out loud tho.

Yes Hozier because again nobody does Longing and reminisce quiet as well. Mishanks “Young and Wanted” vibes. If there was ever a time it was just a time it was just the two of them wrecking havoc on the seas this would be the soundtrack.

Mihawk. I don’t even have to explain once you listen you’ll just know

Honestly. This is mostly because this would be a great sex scene song. I don’t even like sex scenes in shows but I’m suprised this song has never been used and this just proves that’s because they lack taste. Also slightly toxic devotion very them.

Very Mishanks break up vibes.

Again I don’t even need to explain how this is Mihawk.

Honestly thins feels very much like a companion piece to Too Sweet. Except this is more from Shanks POV. It’s just the same vibes

I don’t know why but it’s giving Mihawk

And

Again Shanks and Hozier both being obsessed with their babies.

Honorable mentions cause I hit the Audio limit 😭

Mama’s boy by Dominic Fike

Not to steal from satsuga which is where I first heard it. But again love to dig into Shanks’ parental abandonment trauma and this is a good song for that. Also his fear of Mihawk’s growing bored of him.

Wasted Summer by juju

Again not to steal from satsuga. But very young and wanted.

Nobody’s Soldier by Hozier

Thank you hozier for releasing this just in time to make this list. Very early Mihawk. Young and Ungovernable.

BONUS

some goth family ones.

Second Child restless child by the Oh hellos

Is very Zoro in the goth family AU. Very second child technically youngest but with strong middle child energy.

Seventeen by Sharon Van Etten

Very Mihawk looking at these children who still have dreams and feeling like an old man.

Seventeen Going Under by Sam Fender

I don’t know what to say You just need to listen to how Zoro this is.

I wish I had something for Perona but I think I just don’t listen to any music she’d be into 😭. The closest I can come up with is Ribs by Lorde

I didn’t mean for this to get this long 😭. But yeah was very inspired by all y’all lovely lists and recs. Was very fun to go through! Let me know if you give any of these a listen and what you think!

[fuck-you-upmusicbracket]

The View Between Villages (Noah Kahan)

A minute from home but I feel so far from it/The death of my dog, the stretch of my skin/It's all washin' over me, I'm angry again/The things that I lost here, the people I knew/They got me surrounded for a mile or two

"It hit me so fucking hard the first time I heard it and I'm still not sure why. Noah Kahan is one of those artists that reaches into your head and pulls out all of your feeling and takes them and expresses them so well. His music and this song specifically just make me want to lay in bed and sob sometimes"

Karma (AJR)

I've been so good, I've been helpful and friendly/I've been so good, why am I feeling empty?/I've been so good, I've been so good this year/I've been so good, but it's still getting harder/I've been so good, where the hell is the karma?/I've been so good, I've been so good this year

i try to explain the good faith that's been wasted / but after an hour, it sounds like complaining / wait, don't go away, can i lie here forever? / you say that i'm better, why don't i feel better? / the universe works in mysterious ways / but i'm starting to think it ain't working for me / doctor should i be good, should i be good this year?

You say that I'm better, why don't I feel better?/The universe works in mysterious ways/But I'm starting to think it ain't working for me/Doctor, should I be good, should I be good this year?

"The song embodies what it feels like to try with everything you have just to be unrecognised and pushed aside. To be overlooked and for people to not see your struggles. Each line is written with so much energy and emotion, not to mention how the last verse hits you like a truck. It's become a song that I resonate a lot with and so do a lot of other people."

"It makes me want to cry every time I listen to it, the emotion build at the end of the song makes my chest hurt, and the lyrics fit me way too well and its. aaoiuuhhgg"

"It is exactly what it feels like to struggle with depression, self-loathing, etc. I sob every time I listen to it or even think of it (I’m tearing up right now). It’s just so painful to be reminded that I genuinely used to feel that way constantly, and that I still struggle with it. And of course, the instrumental just feels like the inside of my brain."

"It's like, the feeling when you're trying your best, to be a good person, to be liked by everyone, and still end up getting nothing, your not happy(er) or better, you just still feel lonely and like it was all for nothing, and you end up asking yourself "does it even matter?" and you want to get help, to get better, to feel better, but still, it all feels the same."

Poll Runner: THESE LYRICS WILL DESTROY YOU. Especially the final verse/bridge where the singer just launches into one long breath of really raw lyrics - that's what ajr is all about. Destroying you with words that are real. And the way it’s sung too. AJR knows their way around a song SO SO WELL and every piece of it adds up to a perfect musical representation of a depressive spiral

Karma submitted by @space-shuttle-discovery + others

[musicoftheheart]

following the events in this post ive been listening to a few noah kahan songs (ive been picking and choosing a bit tbh, mostly the ones i recognise the titles of as well as a couple others) and heres what ive got:

(note: some of these opinions are based more on an unreleased wip i have, because some of these songs fit just a bit too well w it)

the view between villages - remus, obviously. this was an opinion i saw a lot on tiktok a while ago, and therefore this was one of the few songs of his id already heard. its so incredibly remus that i cant even try imagining anyone else.

homesick - its giving regulus tbh. i could maybe see sirius, to an extent, but i cant assign it to anyone else wholly but regulus.

northern attitude - sirius. 10000% sirius. i feel like i shouldnt even need to explain it, its just sirius.

stick season - look, okay. i know—i know—people have claimed this for wolfstar. i know. but i just hear regulus. i will explain if need be but its just... its regulus. im sorry but it is.

call your mom - this is one where context from the wip mentioned above would be useful, but spoilers, so all ill say is: sirius to james. the part of the fic im thinking of was originally inspired by forever winter by taylor swift but i actually think call your mom fits what ive written for it so far even better. thats all ill say. (yall know i love giving jamie issues <3)

fear of water - definitely regulus near the start of jegulus. it just makes sense in my head and its all i can think. admittedly, i did decide to listen to this one because my first thought was regulus and the cave because i cant see anything to do with water without thinking of him, but the song itself is 100% early jegulus from reg's pov.

dial drunk - regulus, again. yeah ik i talk about him a lot but ITS REGULUS. and the person hes calling is definitely sirius :( again im kind of relating this to part of the wip above, so maybe i have bias, but this song is regulus. it just is.

i didnt end up listening to many others because i wanted to listen to a pokemon podcast i was part way through yesterday so this is all ive got for rn

[batfambrainrotbeloved]

OKAY SO HI, i have a whole playlist for tim on spotify bcs... hyperfixations- anyways, have some songs i have in there! :D

im not sure if all of them fit TDSB specifically, but who cares😋

Face to Face - Citizen Soldier (i feel like this song fits bruce quest A LOT)

Hallelujah (I'm not Dead) - Citizen Soldier (this song is just giving tim/batfam vibes to me man, its so spiteful😭)

I Look in People's Windows - Taylor Swift (its a song i love, i saw tim in it- you COULD say its tdsb!Tim but i feel like og!tim also fits this well)

((Everywhere, Everything - Noah Kahan (this is mostly just me wanting ppl to know this song. IT FITS SO WELL FOR MANY SHIPS😭)))

Almost (Sweet Music) - Hoizer (if you interpret this in a non-romantic way and w the batfam + the drakes...)

as good a reason - Paris Polama (this one as tim & ra's/dick & slade written all over it. its also a catchy song-)

anyway- thank you for cominc to my pep talk, it was rather long😀

my playlist is beautifully chaotic btw, theres angst, anger, spite and teenage bs :D

ive been thinking of doing smth for this fic bcs we now have our own little fandom^^

((honerable mention for a song "would've been you - sombr" i love it.))

TAKE CARE, I CANT WAIT FOR THE FIC TO UPDATE

ps. ive made so many typos while writing, sorry if there are some😭 the playlist is up for grabs btw i can share👀

YES OKAY IM STRAPPED IN!! (Aka finally going through my inbox-) And even if they dont fit I am always down for a song rec in general so HIT ME

Face to Face- THIS is 100% my vibe of dramatic emo shit, this is going on so many playlists rn. But it fits SO WELL!!! Especially for whats to come <33 :)

Hallelujah- Love this, A n d once again going on all my emo lists

I look in peoples windows- I cannot do Taylor for the life of me, but lyrics- I do enjoy

Everywhere, Everything- Once again, such a vibe and giving midwestern emo and going on my liked songs

Almost (sweet Music)- Cant go wrong w/ Hozier honestly and I LOVE this song

as good as a reason- Lyrics??? Love. I love the artist but hadnt heard this song before so pleasnt experience!!

THANK YOU SO MUCH!! And im planning on going through inbox and then continuing chapter 14 (which shouldnt take more than a week or two if college chills tf out)

[veryhardymemes]

Noah Kahan Sentence Starters Stick Season (We’ll Be Here Forever)

Content Warning For: Suicidal ideations/imagery, mentions of alcohol/drugs, depression/melancholia, mentions of COVID

Northern Attitude:

How you been? Settled down?

How’re your kids?

Where are you?

What does it mean?

Forgive my northern attitude

Stick Season:

I am stuck between my anger and the blame that I can't face

Memories are something even smoking weed does not replace

Doc told me to travel but there's COVID on the planes

I love Vermont, but it's the season of the sticks

I saw your mom, she forgot that I existed

I just like to play the victim

I thought that if I piled something good on all my bad that I could cancel out the darkness I inherited from dad

I’m no longer funny

My other half was you

I hope this pain’s just passing through 

I doubt it

All My Love:

How have things been?

Well, now that you mention it

I'm saying too much but you know how it gets out here

No winter coat could keep out all the cold of your atmosphere

You got all my love

If you need me dear, I'm the same as I was

You burrowed in under my skin

What I'd give to have you out from me

I just hope that your scars heal

I swear I was scared to death

She Calls Me Back:

Oh, there was heaven in your eyes

Everything’s alright when she calls me back

Look at me and don't you lie

For bullshit I do not have time

Does it bite at your edges?

Do you lie awake restless?

Why am I so obsessive?

This town's the same as you left it

The radio is taunting me

I don't get much sleep most nights

I'm seeing you in every dream

If only I could wake you up

If only I could fall asleep

I'll love you when the oceans dry

I'll love you when the rivers freeze

I was too afraid of living life in your footsteps

Come Over:

I’m in the business of losing your interest

Don't you know there's a coffin buried under the garden?

You won't have to guess who they're speaking about

I'm in the process of clearing out cobwebs

I was taking the wrong meds

It feels good to be sad

I know that it ain’t much

I know that it ain’t cool

You don’t have to tell the other kids at school

Someday I’m gonna be somebody people want

New Perspective:

Silence is making me nostalgic

We were kids but that don't make this less hard

If I could fly I doubt I'd even do it

You made Ohio feel just like Central Park

You and all of your new perspective now

Everywhere, Everything:

It's been a long year

Would we survive in a horror movie?

We trust everyone we meet

I wanna love you 'till we're food for the worms to eat

Keep my hand in yours

Orange Juice: 

Honey, come over

We know you got sober

There's orange juice in the kitchen

It’s yours if you want it

We're just glad you could visit

The last time I drank I was face down passed out there on your lawn

Are we all just crows to you now?

Are we all just pulling you down?

You didn't put those bones in the ground

Strawberry Wine:

Darling speak to me

Remember telling me that you thought you were cursed?

I'm in love with every song you've ever heard

If I could lose you I would

We buried your bones in plywood

I said love is fast asleep on a dirt road with your head on my shoulder

For you, darling, for you

No thing defines a man like love that makes him soft and sentimental like a stranger in the park

For a few moments, I see you

Growing Sideways:

So I took my medication

We argued about Jesus

I said I’m cured

I’m still angry at my parents

But it’s a start

I ignore things

At the end of the day I know there are worse ways to stay alive

I'm terrified that I might never have met me

I guess I’ll drive

So I forgot my medication

Now I’m suffering in style

Why is pain so damn impatient?

It's better to die numb than feel at all

Halloween:

I'm sailing away to a place I'm afraid of

I'm drinking my days with the coastal longshoreman

I drink 'till I drown and I smoke 'till I'm burning

I worry for you

You worry for me

I'm leaving this town and I'm changing my address

I know that you'll come if you want

There's a murder of crows in the low light off Boston

Homesick:

Two months since you got back

Are you bored yet?

The weather ain’t been bad

If you’re into masochistic bullshit

This place is such great motivation for anyone tryna move

Time moves so damn slow

I swear I feel my organs failing

I would leave if only I could find a reason

I'm mean because I grew up in New England

I got dreams but I can't make myself believe them

I’m homesick

Still:

I don’t want to say goodbye

You find love that lasts a while 'till you lose the reasons

You miss something that you can't place but you can't deny it

It's like I'm still here with you

It's a bottomless hole I've found out here with a trace of no one

The View Between Villages:

For a minute the world seems so simple

I’m seventeen again

I am not scared of death

I’ve got dreams again

Your Needs, My Needs:

Oh well, who was I?

Who was I to watch you wilt?

You ain't gotta tell me what it means

You'll always be a flower on my skin

I promise to be there this time

I'm naming the stars in the sky after you

Dial Drunk:

I'm remembering I promised to forget you now

I ain't proud of all the punches that I've thrown in the name of someone I no longer know

I don't like that when they threw me in the car

I gave your name as my emergency phone call

Even the cops thought you were wrong for hanging up

I’d die for you

The dial tone is all I have

I beg you, sir, just let me call

Let's wait I swear she'll call me back

Son, are you a danger to yourself?

Son, why do you do this to yourself?

Paul Revere:

This place had a heartbeat in its day

The boys are drunk

But it just ain't that simple, it never was

One day I'm gonna cut it clear

I’m not from around here

I'll leave before the road crew's out

Folks just disappear

If I could leave, I would've already left

No Complaints:

Thought I had something

That's the same as having something

I'd get mad at nothing

Blame my dad for something

I'd pull no punches

Thought I was raised better

Hope the skin heals where the pain enters

I set a time, then I showed up

Now the weight of the world ain't so bad

I filled the hole in my head with prescription medication

Who am I to complain?

And now the pain's different

I can finally eat and I can fall asleep

Call Your Mom:

Oh, you’re spiraling again

Don't let this darkness fool you

All lights turned off can be turned on

I’ll drive all night

I’ll call your mom

If you could see yourself like this, you'd have never tried it

Oh dear, don't be discouraged

I've been exactly where you are

Throw a punch, fall in love, give yourself a reason

Don't wanna drive another mile wondering if you're breathing

Won’t you stay with me?

You’re Gonna Go Far:

This is normal conversation, babe, it's all fine

The college kids are getting so young, ain't they?

I got tired of the frat boys with the brights on

"This is good land" or at least it was

Say whatever you feel, be wherever you are

We're overdue for a revival

We spent so long just getting by

You told me you would make a difference

[stardustshelb]

"Orange Juice" Part One

TW: Language. Your name (female) + Danny. 3,157 words.

The song "Orange Juice" by Noah Kahan inspired me to write this story; each part of the story is inspired by a different part of the song. Also, I'm in my sad girl era so you all must suffer with me.

“Feels like I've been ready for you to come home for so long.

That I didn't think to ask you where you'd gone.

Why'd you go?” - NK

I should have known when my dad texted me to check my email that there’d be something interesting waiting for me in my inbox. The organizers of my high school reunion had no idea how to get in touch with me, so they went through him. Part of me wished he would have just deleted the email and never said anything. How has it already been 10 years since I graduated? I swear it was only yesterday that Sam and I were daydreaming about record deals and tours while sitting in class. My parents were never too hard on me about school because I still made time for both my studies and my band. But I think they always knew that I was never going to need to know chemistry or calculus because I was going to have a career in music. Though, none of us would have ever dreamed I’d be where I am today.

Josh and Jake skipped out on their high school reunion a couple years ago, and Sam was planning to do the same for ours. It would probably cause more trouble than it’s worth if we showed up. Truth be told, I wasn’t dying to go but I was curious to know if you’d be there. We haven’t spoken since I left Frankenmuth. Hell, we stopped talking while I was still there. I’ve heard stories about you from my mom. “The girl who got away is in rehab again,” she’d say casually over the phone. Something about the way she’d say again angered me, but I knew she meant well. 

Judging by the date on the invitation, I still had a few months to decide whether I was going to attend or not. Maybe I could find out if you were planning on going while I’m home later this week for Christmas. I wondered if you’d even be around town or if you’d even want to see me. Our friendship didn’t end on the best of terms and that still bothered me nearly a decade later. I wonder if you’ve ever forgiven me for that night. It took a while for me to forgive myself.

…

“Let me help,” Dad said as he grabbed my guitar case out of the back of the SUV I rented for the week. I tried to pack light for the quick trip but between my suitcase, guitar, and the presents I bought for my family, I ended up checking more luggage than I expected. I could smell Mom’s cooking from the driveway, and I had to swallow the lump of nostalgia that formed in my throat. I rolled my suitcases up the walkway and before Dad could even turn the knob, Josie ran through the front door and practically tackled me. 

“Easy, easy,” I said as I tried to keep from falling backward on top of my luggage.

“I’m so happy you’re home!” she squealed as she let go of our hug. She grabbed the larger suitcase from my hand and followed our dad inside. Christmas music was lightly playing throughout the house which told me that Mom was in charge of the stereo. I was home for Christmas but I didn’t quite feel like I was home. I almost felt like a stranger walking through the house I was raised in. Maybe I was tired from traveling, maybe I just wasn’t in the Christmas spirit this year, or maybe thoughts of you crept in as soon as the plane’s wheels touched down in Michigan.

“Daniel, did you hear me?” my mom’s voice broke into my thoughts.

“I’m sorry, what?” I asked.

“Do you want to put your things away and then come to the kitchen to help me finish dinner?” she repeated.

“Sure, yes, be right there,” I said as I dragged my belongings to my childhood bedroom. When I walked through the door, I was glad to see nothing had been moved. Mom and Dad were always sentimental; therefore, I come by it naturally. I glanced around the room and tried to balance the surreal feeling of being back home. It was just as I left it the last time I visited. Unmade bed and all. “It’s not going to make itself,” I could hear my dad say like he did my entire life. I never understood the point in making a bed if I was just going to sleep in it every night anyways. I moved closer to the disheveled comforter and lifted the mattress. I pushed my hand between the mattress and the box springs searching for my secret stash of notes you had written me many lifetimes ago. Worn and faded folded notes brushed against my fingertips and I gently pulled them out. 

“Daniel?” I heard my mom call from the kitchen. Suddenly, I opened the top drawer to my nightstand and threw the notes inside. I would have to read them at another time. I got up and made my way into the kitchen where Mom was mixing something on the stove.

“Hey, Mom,” I said as I leaned in to kiss her on the cheek.

“Hello, hun,” she said as she placed her hand against the side of my face. The unfamiliar feeling I had earlier was slowly going away. “I wanted to talk to you,” she said, turning away from me and back to her cooking. 

“What about?” I said as I began slicing the carrots she laid out on the cutting board.

“I saw y/n the other day. And… we spoke,” she said, still keeping her back to me. I remained focused on my task of cutting the carrots.

“About?” I asked.

“You mostly,” she said. I winced.

“What about me?” I asked.

“She looks great,” my mom answered, obviously avoiding my question.

“What about me?” I repeated.

“Your music, your success, you coming home for Christmas,” she said as her tone changed.

“Did she seem interested in any of that information?” I asked.

“I think so, but then again, she could have been playing nice,” Mom said as she came over to take the knife that I was just holding. I realized I had stopped cutting the carrots since I was fixated on this conversation. You were back in town and you knew I was here too. 

“I can do it,” I said as I held the knife firmly. Mom patted my shoulder and walked back to the stove.

“I think she’s staying sober this time,” my mom added.

“I hope so,” I said quietly. 

…

“Not one nick on your finger, you just asked me to hold you.

But it made you a stranger and filled you with anger.” - NK

I’ve spent two days at home, yet I still feel like an outsider. I don’t think anyone has noticed because I am able to wear a figurative mask well. That ability comes in handy for shows and interviews when I’m feeling sick or tired. I offered to help my mom finish her grocery shopping for Christmas dinner, so I put on my baseball hat backwards and grabbed my keys. She texted me a list of things she still needed which I was grateful for. She even included pictures of the items as if I were an idiot, but in her defense, I haven’t shopped for my own groceries in years. Our staff knows what I like and it just appears in our green rooms. Maybe this trip home will humble me a bit. 

I decided to drive a little further outside of Frankenmuth to go to a less crowded grocery store. I don’t normally draw much attention when I’m alone in public, but I didn’t want to take the risk. I wasn’t feeling like myself and I didn’t want to project negative feelings on my fans. I pulled into the parking spot furthest away from the entrance and reviewed the list on my phone as I walked through the automatic doors. I grabbed a basket and made my way toward the spices/seasonings aisle. I scanned the shelves looking for Mom’s specific brand of garlic powder. When I spotted it, I threw one container in my basket and turned to make my way down the rest of the aisle. As I began to walk, I noticed an employee abruptly turned the opposite direction and left. Strange. I continued my quest of finding my mom’s requirements with my basket getting heavier by the minute. 

When I had finally acquired everything she needed, I made my way to the front of the store to check out. With it being only two days until Christmas, the store was crowded despite it being in such a small town. There looked to be only two cashiers working, so I stood in line behind what I thought would be the quickest one. Of course, I chose wrong. I tried to hide my impatience by scrolling on my phone when I heard your name.

“Y/n, come to register three, please. Y/n, come to register three,” was announced over the intercom. 

Suddenly, the employee who eluded me earlier now made her appearance. It was you. Avoiding my gaze (and probably open mouth), you snuck behind an empty cash register. I hesitated on whether to go to your line or not. It was obvious you tried to avoid me at all costs, but I felt a pull to see you. Talk to you. Listen to your voice. Against my better judgment, I made my way to join your line. As I got closer to needing to check out, I could see your cheeks getting more red. I held my breath in anticipation until it was my turn.

“Did you find everything ok?” you asked without looking up from the groceries you were scanning out of my basket.

“I did, yes,” I muttered. You stopped scanning and stared down at the bag of brown sugar in your hands for a brief moment until you carried on with your task. I watched you continue to take my groceries and scan them without ever looking to meet my eyes. You were flustered; I could tell. I tried not to stare but I was almost in disbelief that you were right in front of me. Even though it has been a decade, you haven’t aged. Your face has changed but you still look like you always did to me.

“Your total is $98.44. Will you be using cash or credit today?” you asked again without looking at me. You were trying so hard to focus on the screen in front of you.

“Uh, cash,” I said as I reached for my wallet in my jean pocket. Suddenly, I couldn’t find it. I reached into the other pocket and still couldn’t find it. I began to panic. Did I lose my damn wallet in this store? Was it stolen? Then I realized, I never grabbed it off the nightstand when I grabbed my keys before I left. 

“Shit,” I said as I hung my head. “I don’t have my wallet. Do you know if your system takes ApplePay? I have my card on my phone,” I explained.

“No, we don’t. Our technology isn’t updated, but don’t worry about it,” you said as you bent down to get into your purse beneath the register.

“No, I can’t have you pay for this. I’ll just come back with my wallet if you can set it to the side,” I pleaded.

I watched you grab the card reader and stick your own credit card in the chip reader. I was bewildered.

“Y/n,” I spoke so quietly I wasn’t sure if you heard me.

“Merry Christmas,” you said as you handed me the receipt. And for the first time, you met my eyes. They had a sadness to them that I couldn’t quite place. A sadness that matched mine. 

“What time do you get off? I am going to come back to pay you back,” I said.

“Have a great day, sir,” you answered, avoiding my question. I watched you direct your attention to the customer behind me. “Ahem,” he said as a sign for me to move.

I grabbed my bags of groceries and made my way to the rental SUV. I needed to get home quickly to grab my wallet and make it back to pay you. But I knew I didn’t need to go over the speed limit since I was now illegally driving without my license. I fought the urge to speed but remained as level-headed as I could be. 

 …

After putting the refrigerated bags of groceries away, I quickly ran up stairs to grab my wallet. I checked to make sure I had enough cash to pay you back and then some. I shoved it in my back pocket and raced down the hallway.

“Whoa, where are you going in such a hurry?” Josie asked as I tried to avoid running into her.

“I have to go back to the store. I forgot something,” I said in practically one breath.

“Why do I feel like you’re lying to me?” she asked as her brows furrowed.

“I’m not. I just need to get back there,” I explained.

“I can come with you,” she offered.

“Sure, yeah, that’s fine,” I said. I didn’t really want company but maybe you’d be more apt to talk to me if my sister was there. You two always got along so well. Sometimes I wondered if you were more her best friend rather than mine.

“So what did you forget?” Josie asked as she climbed into the passenger seat.

“My wallet,” I said.

“So how did you make it home with all of the groceries?” she asked.

“The cashier paid for my stuff, so now I’m on my way to pay her back,” I said. I left out the detail that you were the cashier. 

“Well that was awfully nice of her,” Josie said with a suspicious tone in her voice.

I pulled into the parking lot and nearly forgot to turn off the ignition before jumping out of the car. I ran through the automatic doors and made my way to your line. As if you could sense I was watching you, you kept your gaze locked on your task again. 

“Thanks for waiting on me,” I heard Josie sarcastically say as she came up beside me. 

“Sorry,” I said. 

“Wait,” she said. I looked down to see her staring at you. “Oh, ok, now I get it.”

“I’m just paying her back,” I said.

“I’m going to go look at… that display over there,” Josie said as she turned on her heel.

“Josie…” I said.

“I won’t be far,” she said as she began to walk away. When it came my turn, you kept your eyes locked on the screen in front of you. I stood there waiting for you to acknowledge me for what felt like eternity.

“Aren’t you going to ask me if I found everything ok?” I asked.

“Don’t mock me,” you said with a sense of anger in your voice.

“I wasn’t!” I exclaimed. Suddenly I felt my cheeks getting warm. “I would never.” You continued not to look at me, but I could see what I thought may have been tears forming in your eyes. My heart swelled.

“I came to pay you back,” I said as I held out two $100 bills. You glanced at the money in my hand.

“That’s significantly more than what your total was,” you said.

“I know. Just consider the rest a thank-you gift,” I said.

“I’m not a damn charity case,” you said with a bite in your voice.

“Y/n, I don’t think that. I just wanted to–” I began.

You interrupted, “If I take the money, will you leave?” 

“If that’s what you want, then yes. I will leave,” I said solemnly. Suddenly, you reached out and quickly grabbed the money from my hand. I felt my heart break as I noticed you were fighting back tears.

“Thank you,” you said quietly.

“I know I’m the last person you want to see, but–” I started.

“You are,” you interrupted.

“But if you could find the time, I’d really like the chance to visit with you,” I finished.

“You told me you would leave if I took the money,” you said looking past me and at the line forming behind me. 

“Good bye, y/n,” I said sullenly before turning to walk away. And all of the guilt and pain that I thought I left behind when I abandoned this town suddenly came rushing back.

 …

I sat on the edge of my childhood bed and stared at my feet on the floor for what felt like eternity. I had the urge to read our notes that I hid in my nightstand, but seeing you today might be all that I can take. You are still angry with me, and I figured you always will be. I don’t know why I expected that anger to go away after 10 years. Maybe it’s because it did for me. I felt the need to talk to you even more now than I did before. I opened the drawer to my nightstand and started to sift through our notes. There were dozens of faded, folded notes. I gently unwrapped the one where you drew a middle finger on the front of. I smiled as I read through the lines of teenage angst. Oh how our problems back then seemed to be so much more important. I remember you were mad at me because I let Sam ride shotgun in my car even though you claimed it before school that morning. I told you to take it up with Sam, but clearly you thought I should have been on your side. You didn’t talk to me until lunch that day when you handed me this note and told me you hoped I choked on my breadstick. Then you laughed hysterically when I immediately grabbed the breadstick off my plate and choked myself with it. Doing something stupid like that was all it took to make you smile and forgive me. I made sure Sam stayed in the backseat the rest of the school year.

I opened another note and scanned it until I found my holy grail: Your phone number. This was one of the first notes you ever wrote me. I wondered if you still had the same number all of these years later. I know mine has changed several times, but my circumstances were different. I decided to take a leap and dialed the ten digits written in a glittery blue gel pen. I held my breath as I heard it ring.

"Hello?" I heard your voice answer.

[swiftiedaisies]

matching my favourite songs to ted lasso characters <3

(these are just who i could think of at the moment)

jamie:

“if i get too close and i’m not how you hoped, forgive my northern attitude. i was raised out in the cold”

this is jamie’s song!! i feel like this is jamie at the beginning of his redemption where he still slips up and makes mistakes. he’s not exactly how people want him to be but he’s trying his best to unlearn how his dad raised him. he’s trying to be a good person. so many noah kahan songs could fit jamie so well. it was between this and homesick

roy:

“lord what will become of me, once i’ve lost my novelty?”

i have so many thoughts about roy and this song! the whole theme of not knowing who you are once you’re not the shiny new thing is SO roy! i feel like this is s1 roy where he’s realising that he’s at the end of his career as a player and that he’s not what he used to be. the bridge is also very fitting to him and jamie. the whole thing of the younger star learning from the older one and all the bittersweet feelings. i could literally write an essay on this song and roy.

keeley:

“i’m on a one way trip to take over the world”

this song is so keeley coded!! i feel like it captures her personality and confidence so so well!! to me, this is mostly season 3 keeley! shes an independent business woman who is taking over the world!! i feel like it also represents how her character has developed over the seasons. she’s introduced as a love interest (you’re just a boy) and becomes a powerful independent career woman (and im kinda the man). even though romance has always been part of her character, it never takes away from her personal story. i love her and this song sm!

sam:

“so make the friendship bracelets, take the moment and taste it”

this song is so sam! when he joined the team, he truly was on his own! he moved to a new country alone when he was only 20 (i believe?). i feel like this song captures how he has such a bright future ahead of him and everything he has already achieved! i also love the friendship bracelet line in relation to sam! a big part of sam’s character is his kindness and i feel like this line represents that and how he is the heart of the team! sam obisanya, i love you sm!!

rebecca:

“i’m so sick of running as fast as i can, wonder if i’d get there quicker if i was a man”

this song IS rebecca’s experiences! she has faced so much misogyny from the people around her (rupert, the media, other club owners) but she has risen above it and shown that she is the confident boss ass bitch we all know!! she is underestimated by the men at the akufo league meeting but SHE is the one who changes their minds! i think this could also be applied to how we see the media treat her in season 1 and how she is written about compared to rupert. i think this song describes the struggles rebecca faces as a female business owner as well as how she is treated by the media (especially in s1)

colin:

“always an angel, never a god”

colin would cry if he heard this song. he is so under appreciated by the team and we see that he struggled a lot with his confidence and being compared to the other players. i think this really relates to the scene in s2 where nate insults him and tells him that he’ll never be as good as the other players. the whole theme of this song is comparing yourself to others and feeling like you’re good, but never good enough. i feel like that’s a big part of colin’s story and how he is working through those feelings and gaining more confidence in his ability. i really hope we see more of him in s4!

if you made it to the end of this ramble, thank you so much for reading!! ive combined my two favourite things, music and ted lasso <3

[oswlld]

oswlld's monthly wrap up: january

note: i am trying something a bit different this year, so bear with me as i figure out how i want to format this. i wanted to spend more time sharing what i consume, beyond what i rb, and put my thoughts in one place. these posts are okay to rb

--

The Fifth Season, N.K. Jemisin [started 11/03, finished 01/23] This was originally a dnf from 2023 that i decided to pick up again. My entry point into her work was The City We Became and fell in love with her voice. With Fifth Season, however, I felt like I loved parts of the story but didn’t fall in love with the sum of the whole. I will go more into why in the tags because it will touch on spoilers (mildly!) I still gave it 4⭐️ in storygraph. — The Moth Presents: All These Wonders, Catherine Burns [started 01/05, finished 01/31] I bought this collection from Half Price so long ago, I’ve forgotten what drew me in. Probably because of the Neil Gaiman foreword. I had not heard of The Moth so I went into this blind. Some of the stories made me wish I heard it live and feel the story breathe and beat with the audience. 4.25⭐️ in storygraph.

Flavorful Origins, Netflix [started: 09/28, finished 01/04] I watched s1/s2 in 2023 at various pts of the fall/winter. Finally wrapped up s3 in January and caught up. Unsure if its a complete series or ongoing, but I do hope to return to the series in the future if they do upload more seasons. This series reminds me of the YT channel Liziqi, where they take one ingredient and unravel the techniques and related dishes by region. A great palate cleanser amongst all the other shows I typically gravitate towards. — Last Twilight, GMMTV on YT [started 11/10, finished 01/26] The only show I watched in real time, as it premiered week by week. If I solely focus on the January episodes, for the sake of this post, I can’t say I was happy with the way the final act was handled. If I look back on the whole of it, it’s still really special to me. In fact, there are episodes that still stand as the very best in television, THE BEST. Still licking the wounds inflicted by the finale, though. — Moving, Hulu [started 01/08, finished 01/30] This lured me in by process of dash osmosis, which is the very best brand of entry pt. I am O B S E S S E D with this show, I am singing its praises! It soothed the scars left by the show Heroes. Amongst all the action sequences, espionage, and high school drama is this huge heart beating loud and strong. Lee Mihyun, the way I love youuuuu, the character you are 🤌🏼🤌🏼🤌🏼 Guys, she saved January for me.

Chevalier, Hulu [watched on 01/14] The short runtime (well, short for the current landscape of cinema) did give me pause. I think some of the emotional beats could have been deepened if given 20 more min of his involvement in the rebellion. I think I wanted the betrayal to really cut me to the bone, but it felt like a papercut. — BlacKkKlansman [watched on 1/31] At this point, I would follow John David Washington’s career to the very end. I love his natural charisma. I want to see him go thru alllll the situations and wish this movie gave him a lot more room to breathe. Laura Harrier took me by surprise, portraying the BSU president Patrice. The story came to a very mild end and felt very tame, but the suspense held its own.

Stick Season (We’ll All Be Here Forever), Noah Kahan [first time listening] I originally learned about him when I was in my Lizzy McAlpine hyperfixation last year and heard she was a feature in one of his songs. And then I discovered a duet Noah did with Hozier and knew I had to spend time this month to sit down and really digest his album. WHOA MAN, this is one of those formative moments when music perfectly aligns with my current state of being. Take that as you will. Current top 5: Come Over, Strawberry Wine, Northern Attitude, Halloween, Your Needs My Needs — Natasha, Pierre, & the Great Comet of 1812 [relistening] what else is there to say, this is a mandatory yearly listen when it becomes below 0 outside. When I saw this show live, it was a January date as well so this relisten really got me spiralling. These two albums got me Feeling 🧍🏻‍♀️ on my walks.

Minecraft [game, on Switch] I got this game as a christmas gift and was where I spend most of my waking hours outside of work. I enjoyed watch MC streams on twitch and knew I would enjoy playing on my own. I get it now, I am soooooo late to this game. I think and dream Minecraft. My mountain house and harbor builds? Immaculate. They basic, but immaculate. Now I’m in my fishing era, esp when I have Stick Season playing in the background (nothing else mattered when the sun was rising and the song The View Between Villages played in the bg, it was a religious experience). — Lethal Company [game, on Twitch/YT] My entire month has been hopping from one stream to another, lobby after lobby. This game is so fun to watch and witness how all the mods evolved as time went on. I don’t think I myself would play the game myself, as I am a bit of a scaredy cat, but watching my fav groups play has been a highlight.

[kinglysock]

music asks (there’s a lot, you don’t have to answer all of them):

 A song you liked as a child

 A song that features an element (earth/fire/water/air)

 A song you’d choose to introduce someone to your favorite genre

 A song you’d put on a playlist for a character you love

 A song you think most of your followers won’t have heard before

 A song that makes you think of a family member

 A song you know every word to

 A song from a soundtrack

 A song in a language you don’t speak

 A song that makes you feel relaxed

 A song that makes you dance

 A song from the 90s

 A song by a performer you’ve seen live

 A song you love to sing along to

 A song you’d play for a toddler

 A song that makes you think of an old (or current) crush

 A cover song

 A song you’d play to set the mood on a date

 A song that makes you emotional

 A song you’d put on a playlist for the person who sent you this ask

Completely forgot I got this lol. I will absolutely be answering all of these bc I’m extra like that.

(1. Love Somebody by Maroon 5. Been listening to that song since it came out on radio

(2. Does Stick Season by Noah Kahan count? I feel like it counts

(3. Message In The Wind by Carole and Tuesday. It’s not in Stardew Valley but I once saw an animatic which the song featured and it honestly brought me to tears, the song fits the vibe of the game so well.

(4. Battle Cry by Imagine Dragons for Ari, the mc in my novel :) he actually has his own playlist but it’s unfinished

(5. I’m lazy so I’m gonna say the song from 3, I feel like no one has heard that song unless they saw the animatic I saw lol.

(6. End of Beginning by Djo. Pretty hot song rn, reminds me of my grandpa.

(7. Cinderella by Steven Curtis Chapman. Makes me weep like a baby everytime and fun fact: this was a father-daughter song at my parent’s wedding. My mom and PapPap danced to this.

(8. Rainbow Connection by Kermit from “The Muppet Movie” Soundtrack <3

-skipping 9 bc I unfortunately listen to all English music-

(10. Home by Good Neighborhood

(11. Just Dance by Disco Curtis. Shut up I want no hate 😭

(12. Hotel California by Eagles. I know, I know that’s the 70’s not the 90’s but the literal only song from the 90’s I could find on my playlists was Californication by Red Hot Chili Peppers and that’s barely a 90’s song.

(13. MMMBop by Hanson. Hanson is the only band I saw live. My mom loved them and would’ve gone on her own but the concert was at Disney so she took me with lol. Honestly barely remember it, I hated loud noises back then even more than I do now so I was pretty miserable. For those of you that were there and Do remember, my mom was sitting right in front of where they threw their guitar pick. We searched the bushes for like 20 minutes but couldn’t find it.

(14. Literally any of them, especially the first 5. (15. 8 because I could vibe and culture them at the same time.

(16. Remember That Night? By Sara Kays.

(17. I believe 11 is a cover song!

-skipping 18 bc I genuinely don’t know TvT none of my songs are date worthy-

(19. Dear God by Dax. That shit is like if every bad thought in the back of your head was made into a song. Ain’t gonna make you cry it’s gonna have a breakdown but I really vibe with it when I’m sad. Also the religious trauma side of me find it somehow relieving.

(20. You’re Gonna Go Far by Noah Kahan, may or may not be a teaser at your birthday present. And hint: There’s another song from these questions that’s also on your playlist ;)