#I haven’t write an essay this time
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I don’t usually make posts like this, but I’ve been seeing a lot of anti-intellectual junk lately, and I really think we need to put the word “pretentious” up on a shelf until people learn what it actually means.
It doesn’t describe someone who likes artsy-fartsy deep meaning media. People who are pretentious are fake. They’re posers trying to be sophisticated and unique, not like other girls. They pretend to only like stuff they think will make them sound cool when they talk about it. They want to act like they know something you don’t, and they want attention for it.
By definition, if you genuinely enjoy something, you can’t be pretentious. If it resonates with you, and you analyze it, and you don’t care what people think, that’s the polar opposite, actually. If you love obscure experimental prog music, if you watch underground high concept indie films through English teacher eyes, if you spend hours in a modern art museum reading each piece as a vessel for storytelling, if your backpack’s full of poetry books that inspire you, if you play underrated games that were someone’s passion project, if you have an interest in studying the classics or the masters, you are not pretentious.
Of course, some people just don’t like some stuff, and that’s fine, but that’s not what this is about. Don’t let anti-intellectuals shame you for enjoying things just because your interests are inaccessible to them, because they refuse to be brave and put effort into critical thinking. You’re not stuck up for refusing to overlook the craft of artists.
#anti intellectualism#media#movies#books#music#critical thinking#my friend who primarily listens to one very popular band once said that people who listen to obscure music are annoying and pretentious#which rubbed me the wrong way because 1 she knows that I listen to obscure music and 2 it’s such a cowardly consumerist take. anyone can#make music and hey a lot of the people who do make GOOD music. and this goes for all *obscure* media#this post was mostly inspired by people talking about Barbie and those anti pick me girls like the pick nobody girls who insist thinking is#for boys and having fun with an empty brain is for girls. Greta gerwig is an artist. I haven’t seen the movie yet but I know it has a deeper#message than haha cute pink! I’ve seen the summaries about the true meaning. the pinkness and popularity doesn’t negate the narritive.#though in the notes I saw a lot of tumblristas comunistas shitting on the film for being one big ad that people *fell for* which tbh is#tbh almost as anti-intellectual. don’t get me wrong they milked this film to sell hella shit but I don’t believe kids who play with dolls#are the target audience as these people claim. Barbie is a culturally iconic symbol almost archetypical of societal expectations for women#you say barbie people think unblinking perfect plastic pink girly. reminds me of the poem The Last Mojave Indian Barbie. yeah yeah you all#hate brands but this one carries undeniable significance and makes for a powerful literary device. it’s been used many times before#sorry for writing a tag essay about a film I haven’t even seen but I’m tired of internet people focusing so much on proving others wrong#that they end up oversimplifying everything just as much as the other person. god I saw people doing this to Nimona saying transphobes were#looking too deep into her character and they’re reactionary clowns for making that jump. like for once the transphobes are right. she is#trans. it’s a queer story. and irl the first people who notice queerness are the bigots who can tell you’re different. sick owns telling#them the story’s not that deep is harmful and it’s like they’re ignoring the real message on purpose. okay enough rambling hehe! thanks#barbie#nimona
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Thinking about In Stars and Time again
#i say this like I haven’t been thinking about it a lot every day#i wish i had the time to write analytical essays#kare talks
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FINAL MIDBLOCK ESSAY DONE!! I AM FREE!!
#FINALLY. have not been able to relax for like a month that’s the thing about the due dates being so far apart it’s great because you’ve got#more time but it also means everything just. lasts longer. anyway! done now. this one perhaps not my best work but it was harder than i#expected…my us government one will be rough but what else do you expect from 1500 words..and then my theory essay..my best hope for a good#grade perhaps…but we’ll see. the next lot aren’t due until january but im gonna start thinking about them now so im less busy over christmas#insane that that’s not too terrible a thought. uni is crazy when you actually enjoy your degree. anyway! for now i am going to enjoy the#rest of my weekend at home n me and my mum are going out tomorrow n im gonna buy some books with the voucher i haven’t spent since my#birthday in february and ill finally have time to finish the book im reading rn AND to do some writing..start chapter 2 : ^ )#woohoo!! aware no one gaf about any of this but i am first and foremost always the audience for my own posts so. this one’s for me..#(ridi's) bigmouth strikes again
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There will be no foolish use of AI or silly single choice exams in this course. As such I don’t expect many of you to appreciate the subtle science and exact art that are Humanities and Social Sciences.
#my brain just randomly came up with this one#thought I’d share#yes I do think I’m funny#i’m suffering here#one of my flatmates yesterday 'i haven’t seen you in 7 days where have you been? me i’ve been here i’ve just been busy is all him: busy?#it’s the end of term me: I have an essay due on the 14th him: oh yeah i forgot you lot have to write essays#i nearly cried#at 10pm on a saturday#wtf#study a social science and a humanity i said to myself#what could possibly go wrong#answer: everything most of all my mental health#social science student#humanities student#history student#politics student#it’s that time of term where i don’t want to live anymroe#i just want a single choice exam once in a while#please i’m begging
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got some new books at the library today 😈 hehehe
#I got mary Oliver essays#a John Keats poetry book love him!!#a book of Kurt Vonnegut speeches/essays#a journal/essay thing by an author I don’t know#eligible by Curtis sittenfield because I love Jane Austen and I needed a fun fiction read#and a collection of stories and essays by Raymond carver#oh and south and west by Joan didion#I’m very much in an essays/diaries/meditations on writing and reading type of mood lately#I still need to finish the three library books I got first though#I’m reading mystery and manners by Flannery O’Connor currently and then I need to read a novel by her#and her other collection of short stories i haven’t read yet#plus maybe I think there’s some of her letters in the anthology I got#and I also have a short book of Rilke that I need to get to#but I’m pretty sure these will all renew without an issue cuz I think I cant renew three times#anyway I’m ranting I just love the library#they have a perpetual book sale going on and I found a romance book by an author I’ve read before#and a local book about moon phases and regional lore I think? it looks cool#and christian got a book#I’m gonna try to read at least 50 pages a day at minimum#I’m on track to finish 6 books in July! my second most accomplished month this year#I can’t believe I read 12 books in january what was I on#tbf some of those were graphic novels and middle grade lit though#but still
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(Tw: kinda transphobia? Use of it/its for a character who hasn’t declared what their pronouns are yet. Arguments over whether a character is a person or not; that ties into the pronoun thing here. Bonus points for descriptions of canon-typical gore yipeeee)
An update from after writing this: oh this. Got. This one got away from me?? I think I started this at 4 minutes past the hour. It is now 43 minutes past the hour. shitt.
Update; it is now 17 minutes after the NEXT hour. 26 minutes after th last update. I have seen god in the past hour and she shook in fear of both my power and audacity. I have lunch with my family scheduled in like 6 hours and I have not yet slept. This wasn’t meant to be as long as it is but I was possessed and this is the result. I may edit it and make it smoother later but I’ll make that a separate post, I want this sleep-deprived chunk of words to be here as like a monument to the fact that I could have been playing stardew valley during this time but I chose to do this instead
TLDR: long ass story ahead written by a sleep-deprived and hyperfixation-driven author. Who is now going the fuck to BED
“We can’t just keep it! What if it has a tracking device? It won’t let us fucking touch it so there’s no way of knowing it has one unless it leads them right to us!”
“Ok, I hear you but think. That hasn’t happened yet. It’s been about what, three days? and that hasn’t happened, and they haven’t been violent towards any of us at all. They haven’t tried to go back either, so there’s no risk of them telling or leading Showfall where we are.”
“Why do you keep calling it ‘they’?”
“Well they can’t be an “it” now can it? …wait.”
“Ok can we figure out the gender of the thing in the other room after we figure out if it’s a threat to us or not. It’s not even a fucking person, you remember what those things did to you back there, don’t you?”
“Those people were not themselves, they were just doing what he wanted them to do—“
“They’re not fucking people! Those things are all part of Showfall, just like Hetch was! It’s just waiting for the right time to turn us in, or pull some shit on one of us like they did before.”
“They weren’t… they weren’t in control.”
“Yeah like fuck they weren’t, I saw it fucking happen!”
“You can’t just… Ok. Sneeg. Stop. You don’t speak for me, the one who, oh I don’t know, was the one that shit happened to? They were being controlled just like us—“
“No, no, not like us. We were wandering around and not knowing what the fuck was happening. None of us knew what was happening. We just went along blindly. Those things—on purpose—dragged you to that stupid wall and sewed wires into your hands—“
“Shut up, Sneeg—“
“No you shut up! You didn’t see it fucking happen! I saw them and Bitchface literally hold you down until you passed out! They were fucking choking you, they fucking—they nearly fucking killed you with just their hands, that’s not a little suggestion in the back of your brain, that’s on purpose! That is fucking deliberate, that is a thing those machines chose to do! You don’t remember, you weren’t conscious when they fucking stapled you to the wall and strapped your head in—“
Sneeg glanced at Ranboo for a moment in-between pacing as he ranted, and the far away look in their sibling’s eyes shut them up immediately. Ranboo was still present, thank fuck, but they were looking at their brother like he was holding up a knife to their throat.
“Fuck, Ran, okay, okay—I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have… shit. Do you need Charlie?”
“You don’t know when to shut the fuck up.”
“…okay. Okay. I’m sorry. Do you need me to get Charlie?”
“No, I’m fucking fine.” It did not sound like he meant that at all. His voice was less steady than before. “I don’t want him to worry about our… hitchhiker. He’s worrying enough about… well, everything.”
“The fact that it’s here, so close to us is the reason I’m trying to get you to see, Ran. What if it turns on him? What if it does that shit to him when we aren’t there?”
“We will be there.”
“And when it tries anything, we can kill it?”
“Sneeg!”
“You wouldn’t kill it, even if it hurt our fucking brother?”
“Of course we wouldn’t keep them around if they did that, could we at least just… just leave it behind? …wait, no, they couldn’t take care of themselves. If we had to leave it behind, maybe we should…”
Silence lingered for a bit too long.
“We should what, Ran?”
“…Sneeg, I was about to say that killing it would be a mercy.” The Hero laughed. “Doesn’t that sound familiar?”
The Taken didn’t reply.
“We have to help them. I don’t… I don’t want to be on the other end of a mercy killing. I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore.”
“Okay. I’m—are you okay?”
“…m fine. It’s fine. Just. Can you stop acting like they’re any different from us? Please.”
“What do you want me to think then?” His voice was softer than it had been a few minutes before.
“Just assume that they… that they were someone. Just like we were before. And they didn’t… they didn’t do anything on their own, it was all Showfall.”
“Okay. Fine. Let’s assume they were controlled, they didn’t mean to, so on and so forth. Why haven’t they talked yet.”
“I don’t think any of the drones even could talk. Wait, should we really be calling them a drone—“
“Shut the fuck up, Ranboo, we have got to figure out what to do with it. It probably doesn’t even know what is happening, what the fuck does it matter what we call it.”
“It matters to me! Do you want me to call you by your title? Do you want to call me by mine? …No? Then why are we treating them like all they are is what Showfall made them? We had lives before, we were someone, so they must have been too. They might not realize it, or… or act like it, but they used to be someone. They are a whole person, Sneeg. We have to help them, we can’t just leave them behind because that would mean we are giving up on someone just like us, and we cannot give up on each other. They… they would have hurt us by now if they were going to. And Showfall hasn’t found us since… you know, which means there aren’t any more trackers.
…okay, Sneeg?”
“…okay. If it,” he sighed at the look Ran gave them, “if they try anything, we have to leave them behind. I’m not letting a dumbass puppet be the reason we get taken back.”
“If they—ok, whatever, you’re not understanding. You can’t say one of us somehow wanted to be controlled, and they’re a ‘puppet’ but those rules don’t apply to the rest of us—“
“There is not an ‘us,’ Ran! That thing isn’t like us!”
“Guys?”
A sleepy voice shut the two of them up instantly. They had a split-second conversation with their eyes before looking to their brother. ‘We aren’t done talking about this’ ‘You’e absolutely right, so later?’ ‘Later.’ ‘We’re telling Charlie nothing happened?’ ‘Of course.’ ‘Ok good plan.’
“Why are you two fighting? I’m tired, can we please go back to sleep?”
“We weren’t fighting, we were…”
“…talking about plans for tomorrow. And you can go back to sleep.”
“I don’t want to be by myself.” Charlie looked at Sneeg pointedly, who sighed to Ranboo with a playfully annoyed expression.
“Well I guess I gotta go be a teddy bear again.”
“Have fun”
“Absolutely not.”
Charlie punched Sneeg in the shoulder lightly for that, who just giggled in response and led his little brother back to their room.
Which left Ran by themselves.
Some nights, he would join them, but some nights Charlie couldn’t stand to be anywhere near Ran, and the three of them had made a silent mutual agreement that Charlie trusted Sneeg more than he did Ranboo.
…Ranboo was okay with this. He wasn’t hurt by it. He didn’t cry on the nights he slept by himself.
He didn’t wish he could be the one Sneeg comforted sometimes. They were just fine.
They were fine, which is why they went to the living room where their… well. Their hitchhiker? They weren’t exactly a brother, or a sibling, more like a fourth wheel on a tricycle. Or a flyaway hair. Okay, maybe Ranboo needed to get tbr fuck to sleep, alone or not.
But he found himself in the living room, where their hitchhiker slept. Or, didn’t sleep, as they seemed to not need to. They would sit on the couch and stare idly at the tv. That was what had started the whole conversation with Sneeg in the first place; Ran wanted to leave some kind of entertainment for the fourth person so they wouldn’t be made to sit in the dark for hours. Sneeg took this remark as a perfect opportunity to explain all the reasons why the former drone should be abandoned, but Ranboo would have fucking none of it. Maybe the couch potato (shit, he really needed to come up with a name for them—) didn’t seem to sleep, barely ate, and stayed still unless actually verbally told to move, but they were still a person. Ranboo was sure of it.
Their hand wandered up to the fresh scabs where their mask had been. The fourth person had a mask, one that hadn’t been touched. Despite usually staying still, the person—(Ranboo thinks they might just call this person Couch for now. Maybe it’s not accurate, and they’re tired, but it’s something. C, for short.)
C would back away any time the others would try to get near them. And they did in fact try, but despite how creative or sneaky they got, C always ducked away. It reminded Ranboo of the drone who had followed them with a camera, always one step away and never letting the Hero get too close.
The mask turned to Ranboo, who stared back quietly. C hadn’t talked at all, so Ranboo didn’t expect them to suddenly start now. He wasn’t even sure if they understood what was said to them, but Ranboo wanted to try anyways. Better to be polite.
“Do you like the show that’s on? I think it’s called Lucy, or something. I don’t know, Sneeg said it was funny. And it didn’t seem, uh- scary or anything.”
The mask didn’t speak.
“If you want to change it, the remote’s right there, um, I showed you how to use it before. And there’s like, instructions drawn on there. You can thank Charlie for that one.”
…
“I think I’m going to head to bed.”
…
“Fuck it, can I stay here?”
The mask still didn’t speak, but the head hidden behind it tilted a bit at the sudden change in tone. Ranboo took this as an absolute win.
“So I just. I don’t want to be by myself. And I don’t think you sleep, I mean if you just sleep when everyone else is asleep that’s cool, but also if so how do you even? function? on that much sleep? It really isn’t that much but to be fair you don’t do much so maybe you don’t need it. …do you sleep sitting up? And just somehow wake up when we get close? I know, um. Sorry about that, again, we were just worried your mask had a tracker like mine used to.”
Ran laughed nervously. “I think I did convince them that it doesn’t, so that should stop now. If um. If we make you uncomfortable you still don’t have to be touched, it’s, it’s fine.”
Other than the head tilt before, there wasn’t a reply.
“Okay, since. You can’t talk, I’m just gonna… I’ll sit down beside you. On the couch. And if you don’t want me to be that close you can uh- you can leave. Or like, get up, and then I’ll leave. This is the only room with a tv, so I’ll let you stay here, but I can’t tell if you want me to be here or not, so. Okay, sorry, I’m rambling. Just… move if you want me to leave, okay?”
Ranboo waited for a response that didn’t come, then sighed. “Okay.” He kept his hands up and open while sitting down, waiting for a few moments before tucking his feet under himself to get more comfortable. “I’m just gonna stay here, okay? Like I said, just move if you want me to leave.”
The mask had tracked them to where they sat now, but the person—C—didn’t make a move to leave. Ranboo turned their attention to the tv, keeping an eye on their couch partner in their peripheral vision. During a moment of audience laughter in the show—I Love Lucy, they remembered—C turned their head back to the television as they had been before Ranboo walked in.
Seeing as how C (they needed a better name than that—) didn’t speak, this was the closest Ranboo could get to being told “you can stay here.” So they did. A few episodes later, his head was on the arm of the couch and his eyes were closed.
Five turned its attention to the Hero, who was now asleep. He had said it was a person, which was almost hilarious. And the Taken and the Hero seemed to think it couldn’t talk? They had to know it needed to be given permission first: any handler of a Drone or Prop knew that basic rule. It would wait until permission was given: it knew how to obey. It wasn’t meant to speak to a superior unless it was told it was allowed. It would wait.
…in the meantime, it studied its handler, the Hero. The other Actors, their two other handlers, called him ‘Ranboo’ but Five knew that wasn’t his actual label. The Hero was his character in the last show, and so that is who he was. Five didn’t know if Actors had a number, but he had been called the Hero in the script, and so the Hero he will be until the script changes.
It hoped to get new instructions, a new script for itself, something, soon. It was tired of simply watching the Actors go about their incredibly off-script show. It was sometimes told to participate, and since no other superiors were nearby, it had to obey its current handlers. But it was told to participate, to stir eggs, to help clean the kitchen, to attack small webs in corners with a stick with soft spikes on the end. Those sorts of things weren’t it’s usual directive, and so it found itself…
It didn’t resent its handlers. They were doing their best, and they at least knew that they were meant to give it orders. It simply wished they were familiar orders. It wished the Hero had told it to play dead, or play chase, or play camera, or caught, or prop. It would even listen if it was told to power down until needed. At least then it wouldn’t have to be conscious in this boring and unfamiliar set.
.
Y EA I know they probably don’t like tvs. Shhhhhh. I didn’t think about that until like. I had already written the tv part. At this moment it is 55 minutes past th hour and I want these characters to go the fuck to sleep so I can go thr fuck to sleep /lh
And yeah Five only uses “he” for glran. That is intentional. It’ll be talked about and shit later. Something about being put into a role, something about showfall being transphobic, something something I want to go to bed
Powering down = “sleeping” for a drone. Different but similar. I’ll explain how it works later?, anyway The others hav e told Five to “sleep” but it doesn’t understand because it is only ever told to “power down” so it’s like error.sleep_not_found and it stares at them like “bitch you said the wrong. Thing. You’re supposed to know how to control me so you don’t want me to power down I fucking guess” and it’s gonna be really funny after that miscommunication is taken care of.
If you remember the Five Gets A Cold And Wants To Throw Hands With Everyone post, this is wayyy before that. These motherfuckers are fresh out of showfall. Don’t ask how they got a house. I’ll figure it out
I am! Tired! I’m not proofreading this!! Goodnight please give me your thoughts if you have them. I need to know I didn’t sacrifice tbis much sleep in vain /nf /lh (I appreciate words but you are Not required to give them. Love you have a good nigt/p)
#five the genloss blorbo#let’s not talk about how many tries it took me to spell unobserved. let’s simplynot#update like 5 years into me writing this: i also cannot spell the word peepohe it would seem#that. that was meant to be the word People. you can see m#h my point stands#it is late as fuck yet I Have to make this. it has to exist so I must make it exist#I’m hamilton writing like I’m running out of time but I’m writing g#writing 51 essays in which assorted characters get the physical and/or emotional shit beaten out of them#and me running out of time is running out of sleepy. I am a sleep y man#take a break and get away says my pillow. I am Hamilton my pillow is upstate and this goddam mess of a short story I am trying to write is M#this story is Mariah Reyndolds leading me to her bed .#I haven’t slept in a while and I’m hyperfixationed on Hamilton so that metaphor makes. 0 sense#if you’re reading this far I’m so sorry. have a cookie! and fun fact an old lady held my hand and s#she said my (Very Androgynous!!) haircut is perfect. she used those words#i almost cried right then and there. genuine compliments from people make my fucking day . ok I need to go back to editing thisthing now#I wrote it. changed a plot point. started to rewrite it. changed ANOTHER plot point#so now I’ve got several s#several layers of Oh Shit I have to untangle#im. making my own goddam escape au apparently????? it won’t make any fucking sense but I will explain it later.#and! feel free to ask questions!’ and tell me if it make’s absolutely 0 sense#I do in fact want to be able to tell the story in a way you will understand. so ask questions! give a feedback! /gen /pos#I accidentally. deleted a tag so whatever I was going to say is fucking gone now. oh I think I memerbr#they are out of character ye. I’m sleepy and I’m making their escape au up as I go.#so far I have 1) the box scene was somehow Worse#2) they kidnapped Five (yippee!)#3) Charlie is the most traumatized out of the three. I don’t. I don’t know why.#I think that’s mostly because I didn’t feel like writing a conversation between Three characters. so my brain was like this :#why isn’t Charlie here? sleeping. why are these two not including him in conversation? protectiveness.#why protectiveness? he is the most upset out of the three of them and the other two have basically taken up the caretaker role. great plan#great plan hit the showers. I have reached. max tags. shit oh well back to writing tumblr says so!
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god forbid i must be studious god FORBID
#the smau is nice because i can put out content before i get to writing pedestals#but as for the fic itself?? haven’t started. WOMP WOMP#i want to write it but NOOOO i have to read boring essays instead#life would be so whimsical if i had time to write this damn thing#or any of my wips in general#star says
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I am currently experiencing one of my first ever massive urges to just start swearing violently
#Thomas vents#I have to write an essay (due tomorrow)#I don’t understand what we’re doing in math#I have math homework (due tomorrow)#I have to do notes on a chapter for APUSH#I haven’t had time to do any homework today (been busy with doctor appointment and personal stuff)#I have to go to bed in 2 hours#I am eating dinner as we speak#I feel like crying#I missed a test today#I’m so done omg
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i hate getting through a tedious chunk of essay writing and looking at the word count only to find you're a mere 800 words into what should be a 2,500 word report
#personal#uniposting#granted i've actually got a decent plan structured out for it#and when i have the time and energy. i’m usually pretty proud of my essay writing bc it’s one of the few things i’m consistently good at#but the effort it takes to find good and relevant (and accessible) theories and studies relating to graphic design is so fkn long#i haven’t even gotten to the case study analysis part of the report yet either. i’m dreading it#it’s ridiculously hard to find Good Designworth analsysing. it’s all so shit and boring#hate how mainstream and repeatable this industry is. no bloody creativity whatsoever
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i need. more anxiety & stress in my life
#too much free time!!!! and the senioritis is doing its thing!!!!! this is an issue!!!!!!#when i don’t have time to get anything done. i get it all done. because i squeeze it in & feel a sense of urgency#i have sooooo much time to get everything done so logically that means i don’t get any of it done#idk how it happens. i am going on a trip tomorrow directly after school have i started packing yet? nope! will i have any time to? nope!#did i have the entire afternoon free today? sure did!#to be fair i did get a pretty good amount of homework done today. but not NEARLY enough#i’ve got sooooo many scholarships to apply to. haven’t even looked at them#TWO essays to write by tuesday. have not started. whoops!#i need to get crazy busy again that would fix this. i need to be so stressed out i can’t think pleeeease#who needs to be happy! i can be happy in the summer! rn i need to be PRODUCTIVE!
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guys im actually really nervous abt taking an english class next semester 😭 im so out of practice i feel like stem has rotted my brain*
#*in terms of critical thinking and analysis. everything is just so straightforward right or wrong w stem & the humanities are the opposite#personal#the english chronicles#but also i am so excited. urgehfngn#but also also still need them to approve my override request bc they canceled the section i signed up for and the only other one i can fit#into my schedule is full 😵💫#i haven’t written an essay on literature since ap lit that was ages ago… my honors class last year had multi hour lit discussions but we#never wrote anything and since it was just discussion that flitted around a lot we never came up w enough to write a whole essay on one#thing either#plus ap lit essays were obviously designed for the test like see if you can talk abt this topic in enough detail in less than an hour#<- or whatever. i tended to put more time and effort into mine just bc but my point is nothing more than that was expected#which is. not what an actual college english class will be like#which isn’t a bad thing! just new. it will be cool to really dive into a topic. but i am still a little trepidatious lol#ALSOOO also also im wondering if maybe i should do a writing minor instead. since it would actually serve some use for my major and still v#much makes me go 👀 but i have not yet put much thought into this or even looked at how many credits the writijg major requires and if i#can fit it in etc#*writing minor#i think i’ll probably stick w english though
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Okay, here’s a sign that I need to fucking go to therapy already: I’m starting to miss academia
#what kind of sick freak have i become. seriously#since i was 19 i have been in higher education pretty much nonstop. i’ve got three degrees. they took 6 years in total#i nearly quit my undergrad and my pgce multiple times. never bothered to even think about quitting my master’s because fuck it#it was online during covid. there was no point in quitting. i spent a year and £9k to go insane in my home and all i got#was a lousy certificate. my master’s feels like a fever dream honestly; i couldn’t tell you anything i learned#but my pgce was awful. i’d rather do my bachelor’s and my master’s again than do that again#so WHY. am i considering doing a phd#see the thing is i feel like that’s where it’s all heading. academia is the only place where i am not considered to be a complete weirdo#and i’m really good at writing essays but i haven’t had to do it for ~6 months and it’s already feeling weird#i feel like i’ve found something i’m good at and i may as well go back to it and milk it for all it’s worth lol#okay new plan of action. i’ve applied to a TA job. if i don’t get it i’m going to formulate a phd proposal asap#and apply to stuff until i either get banned from doing so or get in#i have a feeling i will immediately regret this decision but like… girl#i genuinely do not thrive in any other environment lol. i mean i don’t thrive in academia but it’s also the only place where i make sense#personal
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this dissertation got hands
#i’m fucking EXHAUSTED#and it’s not even worth it. i’m barely making progress#i have a 4k essay due in two weeks that i haven’t started :) and then two weeks after that i have an exam :)#and the dissertation on top :))#genuinely how do people do this and also make time to eat / sleep#i haven’t had an actual meal in three weeks help me#my mother was like you look like you’ve lost weight#it’s like yes brother of course i have ???? i literally have no time to eat <3#manifesting the ghost of julius caesar coming to me in a vision and revealing how to write 12k words about him#i read A LOT about mussolini and caesar today though which was interesting#and then i went on a tangent with insect biology#but fuck me man. i can’t do this#and also writing a draft intro is HARD when i usually write intros last. i can’t do it
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Woah I have a lot to do! I should probably waste time on my phone instead!
#have an essay due on Wednesday that I haven’t started and oh yeah. I’m moving out IN LESS THAN A MONTH and haven’t packed much#AT ALL#but sureeeeee I’ll waste time on my phone instead#no. I’ll probably work a bit on my essay and then write for fun a bit :)#but still. I’ve had about an hour to get stuff done so far and NOTHING#em rambles
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want to make personal art soooo bad but forced to do school work
#homework whether it be art related or not#hopefully soon but had to write an essay for three hours#because it’s due tomorrow hahah#bluebell talks#then i have to work on a history assignment that’s due sunday#and then also work on art homework and 2d design project which i haven’t#started yet and it’s due monday or she said she probably would move the date#i just want to make my own personal art ahhhhh#i really want to paint too but not much time once again
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I just revived my old iPod touch that I haven’t used since ~2013 after believing it to be dead dead for years and oh my god it’s like opening up an old time capsule. There are photos of me and my friends that I haven’t seen in years, taken in an old high school building that doesn’t exist anymore. I have games that are no longer downloadable on the app store. It’s running iOS 5 with the original skeuomorphism app icons. I still have the youtube app. My contacts app is full of maiden names and deadnames. The music app has songs I haven’t heard in almost a decade but still remember all the lyrics to. A daily alarm set for 5:30 AM (god I can’t believe I had to wake up that early in high school) and another set to 11:11 PM to remind me to make a wish. Reminders to finish homework assignments, or to write my application essay for the university I ended up attending, and one marking the release date for the final episode of Cabin Pressure. The last thing I googled was “how to draw people hugging”.
Possibly the strangest thing is that the tumblr app still opens, but it’s stuck in a permanent snapshot of 2013 where it won’t show me any new posts no matter how many times I refresh. My dash is full of old BBC Sherlock posts from long-lost mutuals who have either since deactivated or got unfollowed or changed urls so many times that I don’t even recognize them. Lady Gaga and Game of Thrones are the top trends. My profile shows my previous url and icon, with only 43 followers. I feel like a time traveler
#just katie things#if I can figure out how to get photos off of it i’ll share some screenshots because it’s so WEIRD
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