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memorylang · 2 years ago

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In Mongolia at Last | #60 | October 2022

Today marks the second month to the day since my return to Mongolia. I’d persisted two and a half years in finally getting to share this story of having returned to Mongolia. I wish I could have gotten to it sooner! Still, I hope as you read on you’ll know what’s kept me busy. I start first with the juiciest bit of us returning then circle back to how I got here.

Mongolia

The morning of Tuesday, October 18, 2O22, I step from Turkish Airlines back into Mongolia, the “Land of the Eternal Blue Sky.” I wear the silver дээл /dehl/ shirt I received from my host family for Naadam in 2OI9. I lug the silver backpack my mother planned to gift me when she was still alive.

I had considered leaving my silver backpack behind in the States because of its wear. But it’d been with me for so long around the world since 2OI7. I chose to bring it back, still.

This airport looks different than I remember. Eric, my fellow evacuated Returned Peace Corps Volunteer, comments that this must be the new airport, I think. Immigration definitely feels like a warm breeze here compared to the cold floors we knew before. I pass through without challenge.

I feel elated for another reason, too.

Right at the door from immigration stands my Country Director.

Our American leader grins with her characteristic welcome and diplomacy. We share a big hug. We chat about how nice Ulaanbaatar’s new Chinggis Khaan International Airport is. We’ll have plenty more time to chat later, anyway. Beside her stands our General Services Manager, a Mongolian man with whom I hadn’t shared too many conversations. Still, he beams, and I’m so glad to see him. We three know each other.

The New Chinggis Khaan International Airport

Baggage claim is smooth, so smooth. I grab my bags with relief to see they’re all here this time. I’m still surprised by how cozy this airport feels. I trek toward what seems to be an exit. I feel excited yet disoriented, recalling my 2OI9 trip into Beijing during service as a Peace Corps Volunteer. I exit baggage claim.

Wandering out, I spot suddenly to my right these huge Peace Corps Mongolia “Hello Again 2O22” banners held by familiar figures of staff I haven’t seen in over two years. I enthusiastically take up hugs with anyone offering. I embrace both my past Regional Manager and our Safety & Security manager, with whom I don't even recall being so close. Still, goodness, what a difference years apart yet online make.

I’ve barely a moment to wait as I’ve bags to load onto whatever bus we’re taking this time into the city. I shuffle on through, gleefully greeting any Peace Corps Mongolia staff member as we recognize each other. Amid my new reality, I notice too an unfamiliar blonde woman and man. I hear somewhere they’re with the U.S. Embassy.

What Comes Next?

With bags loaded, I’m free. I hop back off the bus to see. It’s a brisk 6°C (43°F) this October morn.

I take in the moment. M3O Eric stands beside me outside. We had similar ideas. I'm astonished to learn that Eric was late to our bus meeting in Seattle because he was seeing a mutual friend of ours, my Nomgon neighbor, Sam.

I'm not shocked for long though beside Eric and me, beside the bus, stands too our Director of Programming & Training. Of course, the director and I share a huge hug. He tells Eric and me with a wide smile how today staff is to swear us in immediately and get us back to serving soon.

We’re glad to hear it. I’m genuinely excited about the prospect of serving again so soon. But, I’m not sure whether to believe they’re really about to reactivate us. Still our director sounded reliable.

Not long after, the M3Is file through and onto the buses.

Once everyone’s about settled, we all hop back off for a big facemasked photo. I brave the cool with my coat left on the bus so that my дээл /dehl/ is entirely visible. As the Peace Corps Mongolia banner unfurls, I stand toward the front, beside it. Next to me stands Ken, with whom I chatted from our Seattle hotel. Peace Corps is really back in Mongolia.

Staging in Seattle

That preceding Friday afternoon on October 14, 2O22, my flight to Peace Corps’ staging lands in Seattle, Washington. I’m walking across the plane that brought me out of Vegas when I receive a text. It’s from a Trainee in the new M3I cohort, Chris. He’s landing in Seattle about when I do.

I head to SeaTac's baggage claim. I remember having met my fellow M3Os, Marisa and L, at the Philadelphia airport three years ago. Now I’m back in Seattle, where I visited my first and second times last summer. It won’t be long before I don’t travel alone.

Sure enough, the tall man Chris walks up. He explains he's from Portland. I remember my time there around this time last October. Chris’s flight to Seattle was his very first flight, he beams. I welcome him to the Peace Corps with a smile.

First Ordeals

I find not long after meeting Chris a complication. My orange backpack seems not to have arrived with me. So I head to Alaska Airlines’ desk. Its attendants send me back to the carousels. I wait quite a while longer, with Chris staying by my side.

The ordeal occurs for about an hour. During this time M3Is Ken and Darcy, who'd texted having also arrived, go ahead to the light rail. Meanwhile, another M3I, Alex, arrives beside Chris and me, too. I remember Alex’s face from Zoom calls preceding today.

Our trio decides we ought not to keep waiting. I come back to Alaska Airlines’ desk to put in a mishandled bag ticket, hoping my bag arrives the next day. Wow, this feels like Munich this summer. Then haul our things to the light rail, too. I remember October’s NYC trip yet with more walking here. I think too about that time I traveled to D.C. from Vegas when the Capitals were playing our Golden Knights.

Our trio rides the light rail a while. When at last we hop out, we lug our luggage uphill many blocks. Now this reminds me of San Francisco last August yet sweatier. I’m wearing the heavy coat I’m bringing back to Mongolia, though I really don’t need it for Seattle’s October. I’m pleased to pass by the public library I remember from my Seattle solo adventure last summer, though.

Peace Corps Arrival

At last we reach the hotel. Chris, Alex and I split as we check and head to rooms. Upstairs I find Peace Corps staging staff of Nick and Maya so friendly. I feel weirded out somewhat by how tight COVID-19 protocols remain. Still, I see my fellow evacuated Returned Peace Corps Volunteer Eric, M3O, and feel a bit better despite the oddness.

Eric and I catch up over Mexican food a brief walk away. I like how he has real Southern calm about him. I remember conversations we shared when we were Trainees in the ger camp outside of Ulaanbaatar (UB), three years ago. We were two of our cohort’s members also into Chinese studies.

Staging

Eric and I return to our hotel, and staging begins. I try not to too blatantly draw attention to how I’m one of us two evacuated Returned Peace Corps Volunteers who were serving before in Mongolia. I try to focus more on getting to know my new peers. In among the first activities then, I get to know a fellow Asian American seated behind me, Christine. I’m surprised by what led her to Peace Corps but feel confident that she’ll be fine.

I expect to get to know others in the M3I cohort more when we’re together the next day. There are about half the Trainees in this cohort compared to those in Eric’s and mine. Still, when the traditional ice-breaker comes asking what weird thing we packed, I decide to reveal a piece of my heart. I packed my bus card from our first summer in UB, and I want to see whether it still works in Mongolia.

Navigating the Old and New

After the evening session, I’m on a side quest. My sister Becky and her new boyfriend Solomon are also in town. That night, they pick me up from the Renaissance Seattle Hotel where Peace Corps is staying, and they take me to enjoy delicious Indian food with them nearby. I recall when I visited Becky last summer in the Seattle area, too. Her boyfriend Solomon’s quirky, funny and wise.

Saturday I go back through staging. It exhausts me at times. Its minimal acknowledgment that this ain’t the first staging for evacuated returnees bugs me sometimes. I still remember plenty from my first staging. Personally exhausting too is how memories left dormant for two and a half, sometimes three, years would ping pong back to me.

I stay upbeat while getting to know the new Trainees. At least I’ve only 23 names to learn right now. Eric and I had to learn so many more as Trainees in 2OI9.

Bonding

During one of staging’s identity exercises, we’re asked to consider three aspects of our identity that will become most apparent about us in Mongolia. I announced that three regarding me would be that I’m young, Asian and single. I remember these from what coworkers and locals would often say to me.

At lunch, I walk with many M3Is to a pizza place where we can build what we like. I get my Subway-style everything meal. I enjoy the company of the down-to-earth Midwesterners with whom I dine outside. One reminds me of my former sitemate from Wisconsin, Emilie, our volleyball star. I miss her.

I’m surprised by how many in the new cohort also have China backgrounds. That’s nice. Our walk again past Seattle’s major public library reminds me of conversations I had there with the National Peace Corps Association. I’ll miss the stellar stateside Walk Around Allowance that Peace Corps provides, too.

New Recruits

Amid staging, I also reunite with/meet for the first time Rowan, an M3I I met virtually back in fall 2O2O. We’re so glad to meet at last in person. She feels to me like an old friend. I also enjoy hearing the teaching background of Ken and the social work background of Darcy. As part of the ice-breakers, Rowan and Darcy are in my doodling group, which I enjoy. Humorously, some of the Trainees mistake our group’s drawing of someone sad and alone to being a drawing of a blood sacrifice upon an altar. (It’s because of that red marker we had.)

I meet as well Kat, a person whose backgrounds of both Chinese and Germanic descent mirror mine. I’m surprised by how well-dressed Caroline of Massachusetts is! We have quite a few from Massachusetts here. I pass along warm wishes, “Minglaballers for life,” from a past college classmate to two Trainees who trained with him in Peace Corps Myanmar before the global evacuation that followed Peace Corps China’s and Mongolia’s evacuations.

One Last Night

That night after staging’s main day concludes, I return to the place where Becky (and now 'rock' star Solomon) is staying in Bellevue. It was here last summer that I received the very silver journal in which I'm writing my current experiences. Tonight Becky cohosts here a talent show that's more of an open mic.

For my act, I share the story of how “Frozen II” moved me during evacuation. With its significance on the floor, I sing an unrehearsed, "Show Yourself.” They receive my song well. The night reminds me of when I similarly performed the song once during the pandemic back at my college parish, the spring preceding our other younger sister Vana’s future fiancé’s graduation party.

Throughout the Saturday too I’d checked with Alaska Airlines on the status of my missing backpack, but no specific luck. It feels too much like the summer’s Munich ordeal awaiting my bag from Singapore and Qatar. I pray everything just arrives in time.

Sunday in America

My final morning in America, I get back on the phone with Alaska Airlines to hear that my luggage made it to the airport. They lack time now to deliver it to our hotel. But it’s here in Seattle.

My college parish community prayed for me this weekend, I learn. What could have been worse was better! I conclude that the Devil had been trying to rattle me one more time along my path back to do good ‘round our world.

I report my bag’s return to our desk officer Nick. He commends me for my good humor. That was something my past priest would say, too. (Thanks to that priest I’d been discerning with the Jesuits after coming back from Southeast Asia.) Unfortunately, our priest retired not long after Reno’s new bishop from Seattle came and replaced him.

Sunday Service

For Sunday Mass, I find that my nearest parish is the archdiocesan cathedral! So I stroll across the bridge over roadways to attend Mass. It’s a beautiful area that reminds me of New England. During the service I consider how this was the very cathedral from which the man who made himself pastor of our parish in Reno came.

The Mass also reminds me of parishes I attended in Southeast Asia, with their unfamiliarity yet allure. The cathedral even reminds me how last Sunday I celebrated Mass in New York’s cathedral! My prayers today are of thanksgiving not petition. Still, I hope I’ll have a Catholic parish to attend in Mongolia. I hope I won’t go long without Christ’s Eucharist!

Heading Out

I hustle back to the hotel after Mass, ascend the elevator to my room, grab my bags and descend again. I reunite with the Peace Corps Trainees. The friendly Nepali American Trainee Sareena leads my team. I appreciate her chill directness.

All Trainees receive yarn of a similar color to that which Eric and I received three years ago. Though, this shade is slightly greener than our electric blue. We fasten these to our bags then cross the street to our waiting bus.

Eric is away, however, forcing our Peace Corps community to wait a while. In the meantime, chow down on my leftover everything pizza. This seems endearing to some folks in the cohort, at least.

We board the bus. At last Eric appears! We set off for to the airport.

Beside me sits Ken, the likable English instructor with quite a penchant for fun methodologies. From him and an M3I Eric, I learn that quite a few of the Trainees beside Rowan have waited these pandemic years to accept their invitations to serve, as well.

I enjoy talking with Ken. He reminds me of the M3O Ken I knew, with whom I hiked in Ulaanbaatar our days before Swear-In. I missed Ken when he Early Terminated (ET). Still, I hope none of the M3Is ET.

Seattle's Airport

When we arrive back at the airport, I have to split from the group to head back downstairs to Alaska Airlines’ baggage claim. I’m glad I don’t have to be a group leader since that’s responsibility I don’t want to think about. I entrust my welbeing to the friendly Rowan. Then I beeline straight back to Alaska’s desk.

I see my bag’s a bit dirtied. But, it’s my bag. I’ve awaited it. Desk Officer Nick had advised me to insist on compensation, so I get a brochure on how to reach customer service for compensation. I report the phase of the mission accomplished and trek back upstairs.

Back in Time

In line before bag weighing, I help some people who feel extreme stress. This reminds me of my experience helping the M29 during evacuation. I miss her, too.

Further along the airport line, I receive a compliment from a man for the wooden Holy Spirit cross I wear. I comment how it reminds me God is always with me. The man agrees. His daughter served in Peace Corps Namibia, he explains. He kindly lends us his luggage scale as we near the front.

Unfortunately, Turkish Airlines calls my bags too heavy. So I, like some Trainees who came before me, must reconsolidate my belongings. I’m not too concerned, but the process annoys me. I just brute force my hope that this all works out. And it does.

Forth in Time

I’m rewarded by seeing Sareena, tall Tom and our other leaders awaiting me. I feel consoled seeing Jeff, too, an older gentleman with good spirit. The clump of Trainees reminds me I’m no longer alone. I’m with a new community.

Once our cohort reaches our gate, I take a video call with both my siblings and recipients of this year’s inaugural Lin Yuejun Lang Asia Scholarship. I have fun getting to speak with them before I leave the country. Our recipients seem really cool too, having studied in South Korea and Thailand. Glad my siblings get to see me having fun.

I also have time to complain to Alaska Airlines’ customer service to get more than the normal points compensation for the baggage issue. I don’t like complaining, so I appeal to integrity. A little compensation tempers my temper some.

Nearby, folks from the training cohort claim to recognize members of Mongolia’s famous band, the HU, who wait in line. The Trainees suggest they’re visiting home between tours. I’m surprised Trainees recognize them. Some daring Trainees even walk up for pics. I honestly can’t tell if it’s really them, and I choose not to bother. Still, it’s cool to think that may be the HU.

The Flight

Our cohort boards. For the long flight, I'm seated with both Kat and Sareena. Our Asian American trio speaks at length from Seattle to Istanbul.

I enjoy sharing Asian roots with my new peers. Sareena strikes me as someone who could really lead, and Kat seems so thoughtful. I enjoy getting to know what’s bringing them to Mongolia as I go back. Their perspectives on culture, psych and privilege both warm and challenge me.

Across continents, I also decide to see, “X-Men: Days of Future Past.” The film both further celebrates my having seen Hugh Jackman on Broadway and feels like a sequel to my having seen in Southeast Asia, “X-Men: First Class.” I’m glad too that “Days of Future Past” has a continuity that reminds me of “X2,” which I saw so many years ago, back in school.

Anyway, the superhero thrills keep me awake while I fight the jetlag. I don’t think I glean particularly monumental lessons from these. Neat to see President Kennedy, Peace Corps’ founder, referenced. I like Marvel flicks.

Through Istanbul

The M3Is, Eric and I spend little time in Istanbul’s airport before we board again for Mongolia. That said, I do have time to split from the group to catch foreign Pokémon in “Pokémon GO.” I complete a raid and plant a Pokémon on a gym. I don’t expect I’ll be playing video games much after we land.

Anyway, close enough to midnight local time, we hop back on a plane, this time for Ulaanbaatar. Seats shuffle a bit, though Kat and Sareena aren’t far. I kick off trying to rest against jetlag.

Past about 6 a.m. local time, I hear Trainees worry about declarations and immigration. “What did you put as your visa number?” one asks, tapping my shoulder. To be honest, I hardly care. I don’t remember those responses affecting much.

Turkish Experiences

During the flight, I also reflect on Turkish people I met lately. There was a young sports player named Ozan I met while returning to America from Europe this summer. There was a Haluk, too, the young Muslim I met in New York this month. Remembering them reminds me how connected our world is.

I also remember, while maybe Turkish or not, a thoughtful Asian flight attendant with a dark, wavy bob who had served on our flight from America to Turkey. She stood out to me because of a time on the flight when I simply requested a snack. Another attendant had answered my request, actually. But I noticed across the plane that the female attendant said something to him. When the man returned with a snack, I received not only one but two, as well as a sour cherry juice I remember choosing from her earlier on the flight. That above-and-beyond care struck me as so in line with that personal way God loves. This is how I am to love.

I’m also still wrapping my head around the realization that I’m really going back to Mongolia. Looping in my head is “Breathe” from “In the Heights.” Two and a half years… and I’m going back.

Peace Corps Mongolia to Ulaanbaatar

After we land in Mongolia, get our bearings and get the bannered photo, we hop back aboard our buses. We’re separated in accordance with COVID-19 mitigation standards. Peace Corps and Embassy staff step on to wish us well before we’re off. For the road, we’re treated to modest plastic bags of snacks and water.

I sit toward the back, recalling my experience when we first came to Mongolia, and I sat there, too. This time, however, I’m without so many in this row. Social distancing limits close quarters.

As we ride through the countryside from the new airport to the city, I remember my winter trips from the airport when I took leave. Though Mongolia had snow already in mid-October, the cold isn’t like that which I remembered from December 2OI9 and January 2O2O. Still, I feel as though having pined for this landscape.

Unfortunately, we see across the hillside no herding occurring through a Prius. I guess we’re in the wrong season or place to spot that. Still, I recall seeing that among the biggest surprises to me in response to what our former Director of Management Operations had said, that we would, “see people do things with a Prius you [we] never thought possible.” Still, that was among the greatest things I witnessed that summer in the countryside.

As our bus nears the city, I think back to what few adventures I’d had in the capital, getting to see friends at their apartments, for example. I’d no sense of the city’s apartment geography, so I’m not sure if I’m looking in the right direction. Still, I know I’m seeing UB.

Re-Education

We arrive at a hotel I don’t recognize and ascend without roommates because of pandemic restrictions. The hotel is so fancy. After dropping our bags, we’re to wait some time till we can head up to the conference floor for another round of COVID testing. I’m so pleased to see again medical staff with whom I hadn’t even been close. They seem so pleased to see me, too. I'm pleased to meet in person our new Peace Corps Medical Officers, too!

Back in my hotel room, I put on my good shoes to replace my hiking boots and wear my black mask from Singapore. Then I head back to the conference center on the top floor for official opening remarks. There are some introductory health and safety sessions. I journal that afternoon of our situation, “Having a vibe like both PST and Final Center Days conferences at the same time, Eric and me, alongside 23 M3Is.”

Swear-In

By intros’ conclusion, it’s time for a ceremony that I quickly realize is what I think it is. Our Country Director directs my fellow evacuee and to the front. I'm glad to have been wearing the very same shirt I wore when I first swore in three years ago.

In front of the room, before our audience of Trainees, our Country Director hands us new certificates. We raise our right hands. We repeat after her. This is surreal.

Sure enough, we're sworn in. Two newsgroups interview us, GoGo Mongolia and TenGer TV. I describe in English my mother’s story that brought me here. I tell the reporters about my time teaching at МУИС /MUIS/ in Erdenet and in the orphanage.

That night, I locate in my luggage my copies of my original Swear-In documents. I really am a Peace Corps Volunteer again. My re-education begins.

In my next tale, I’ll take you through my first days back in Mongolia.

You can read more from me here at DanielLang.me :)

#Peace Corps #Mongolia #memoir #story #Catholic #God #memoryLang #USA #scholarship #Asia #Coronavirus #COVID-19 #UB #travel #winter #Ulaanbaatar #seattle #istanbul #flight #memories

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worldofroma · 1 year ago

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April 6 2023, Thursday - 9:02am

I think there may be someone living in my house without anyone knowing. Either that, or theres a ghost. Other people may assume that my latest encounter with this person was a dream, but I disagree. I was woken up in the middle of the night after hearing something in my room and glanced over to the door, watching someone leave my room. It was only a quick second as my door blocks the vision of the doorway from where my bed is, but I saw the back of someone, a man, as they left my room. On top of that, I’ve had many occurrences where I’ve heard someone walking around downstairs while I’m home alone or even heard russling of a plastic bag that immediately stopped when I approached the room I heard it coming from. Of course, I didn’t open the door. I was too afraid. The room it was is a storage room with the basement, the trapped door basement. It’s not even a real basement either, it’s all muddy and torn apart. It looks straight out of the house from the Blair Witch Project. I don’t know who they are, I don’t know why they’d want to be in my house, but I really don’t like it and every day I feel more afraid to be in my own house.

On a more common topic, I find now that I really only have one friend. Kaitlyn is really the only person I talk to outside of school, nobody else. I have the odd conversation with Hannah or Kyra sometimes, but not very often. And a lot of people may find that sad, but honestly, I love it. I can barely care for myself and pay attention to my needs, let alone 2 or 3 or 7 other peoples. When I was in the friend group of 4, it was so tiring. I always felt as if one of them was mad at me, one of them was judging me, and the other was leaving me out simply because the other two felt like it. It was exhausting and draining. Not only that, but it felt like the only way I could have a real conversation with them was when I was high. They’re all in a relationship with shitty people, or they’re the shitty one, and it seems to be the only thing they can talk about. I mean, I get it, he didn’t answer your phone call or he hot boxed a car with his friends without telling you, but at a point I really don’t give a fuck. Hannah has been in a relationship with her boyfriend for over a year now and they’re both so toxic to each other. Everytime I hung out with her while they were together (they still are, I just haven’t spent time with her in a long time), she was either on the phone arguing with him or complaining about an argument they had the night before. And every single time I heard about these arguments they started, they were so fucking stupid. Both of them are manipulative and problematic, constantly holding each other back, but honestly, they deserve each other. Kyra has been having a lot of issues with guys. Her first boyfriend, only a few months ago, slept with her and cheated on her with one of her friends from their new friend group of snobby horse girls. Yes, in my area, being a horse girl is popular. Someone save me. After that, Kyra went on to “hoe around” with a few guys, being called out of a slut from multiple people from our school, and is now dating some NPC guy from our school I had never even seen until they started dating. Odd. Kaily, well, I think Kaily is the least aggressive when it comes to talking about her boyfriend. I’ve met him, I had to at Christmas because of our family, I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before but we’re technically step sisters in a confusing way. But he’s a nice guy, younger than her, but nice. I haven’t hung out with Kaily one on one in a really long time, so I haven’t experienced her rants on her boyfriend, but I can only imagine. One thing I do know though is that they spend almost every night together, even during the week. I can thank Mya for giving me almost all of this information. But a few weeks ago, it was Kaily’s birthday. She had a party at her house with a few girls including Hannah and Kyra, and she invited me. It seemed genuine, but I declined. I told her that I’d rather not attend a party with people I don’t get along with, knowing there was a possibility that I could cause something between them with how petty I can be, but after the party had already happened, I felt awful. I put the fact that I didn’t want to be around people I didn’t like above the feelings of someone I used to be close with. I should’ve went, it was her birthday, but I didn’t. Afterwards, Mya told me that Kyra got extremely drunk, went on a rant, and blacked out before 8 o’clock. I honestly feel bad for her. Kyra and I never talk anymore, but her and I used to be the closest in that friend group. Almost everyday for the past few months, she’s shown up to school high or smoked at breaks. But at the same time, I don’t feel bad for her.

Kyra is now friends with a girl we’ll call Izzy. Izzy used to be really close with Kaitlyn and her family until they got to high school. They were best friends, and Kyra and I were best friends, so after they came to high school (Izzy and Kyra are both one year younger than us) we brought us all together to become a friend group of 4. But Izzy is a shitty person. She’s a massive pick me, she’s annoying as fuck and constantly talks with a toddler accent, and she talks shit about everyone she knows. But for some reason, Kyra found her much more interesting than I. Izzy began asking to hang out with only Kyra instead of Kaitlyn and I joining, and instead of brushing it off, I took that to heart. That was the first time ever that Kyra had went along with someone else to ignore me. And after that, I became really depressed. I started to get high all the time, I became friends with two guys that most definitely just wanted in my pants, and I started going to parties that a rapist hosted all the time. I lost myself from that. I unfriended Kaitlyn with the argument that I felt as if I couldn’t help her through her issues and I didn’t want the responsibility for it. I couldn’t even take care of myself. I tried to become closer to Kyra, Hannah, and Kaily again, but it was only becoming more and more toxic after that. Everyone was constantly slipping little insults to each other within every sentence we spoke and it was draining to be around them. Kyra only ever wanted to hang out with me when we got high together and started ignoring me at school when she met up with her horse friends. I was at the lowest point in my life. Luckily, I had a class with Kaitlyn right near the end of that year, grade 10 year, and after at least 6 months of not talking, we became friends again. But only after that summer. Kyra and Izzy are now best friends, on and off from time to time, but it seems that they only have each other now.

I’m not sure if I mentioned this yet, but I’m fully convinced I wasted my year of being 16. During the entire thing was when this depressive state took place, I found myself doing nothing in my spare time but staring at my phone endlessly. For my 16th birthday, I knew that I had to plan something fun to do in order to keep up my “positive mind” appearance. So I planned a trip for Hannah, Kyra, Kaily, and I to go to Toronto, stay in a hotel, and go shopping. It was fun at first, but the tension only grew as time passed. Kaily’s mom and my mom came along which was great because they’re best friends too, but Kaily and her mom have serious beef. Her mom’s not abusive or anything, but they are always both in the wrong. Kaily’s anger issues don’t help. By the end of the first day of the trip, Kaily’s mom had stormed into our hotel room and screamed at Kaily for disrespecting her the entire day, Kaily had even gone as far as to kick her mom with a Dr Marten boot on. It left a pretty colourful bruise. The next day was extremely awkward. Kaily never said it straight up, but because her mom came with us, she helped pay for the hotel with her rich boyfriend and due to that, it was obvious that Kaily expected that trip to be partially hers too. And I could understand why she thought that because her birthday wasn’t too far from when we went on this trip, all of our birthdays were in January, February, and March, but it was my birthday. My birthday, and I felt like the entire time I was letting everyone else choose what we do. We went out for dinner the first day and got all dressed up for it. I was fully expecting to find a beautiful dress that compliments me great, but they made the choice for me that we all wear black dresses. Ugly black dresses, in my opinion. And if you’ve picked up anything from what I’ve wrote so far, I’m a huge people pleaser to a certain point. Including when it comes to what I wear, because I would rather match with others than stand out knowing they’re judging me for it. So, I went along with it. I haven’t seen that dress since and I hope I never have to see it again.

#journaling #literature #aspiring writer

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weasleylangs · 4 years ago

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if you don’t know, let me go - f.w

Pairing: Fred x Fem!Slytherin!Reader Summary: It’s always seemed like they’ve been dancing the line between friends and more, so why does he take a different girl to the ball? Warnings: Some swearing, pining that one character is too much of a dummy to see, a bit of angst but it eventually becomes fluff I promise, jealousy but nothing toxic, underage drinking but it’s like one line. Word Count: 5.8k

A/N: This is my first fanfiction in literally forever, so any feedback is always appreciated! Requests are open if you like this and want more! Also this got stupidly long fast, I can barely write book reviews on Goodreads without writing a novel so my bad, I’m sorry if you don’t like long fics. (Also cross-posted on AO3 as the tumblr tags don’t seem to be my friend right now.)

- Also, thank you so much to @lumosandnoxwriting for answering all my questions on how to get back into writing!

Send me an ask or a dm if you would like to be added to a tag list!

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“Do you think he’s going to ask you?”

It’s Wednesday afternoon, late enough for class to be over but too early for dinner and Y/N’s attempt at understanding anything in her potions textbook is broken by Alicia Spinnet talking to her. Despite the fact she hadn’t said a name, Y/N knows immediately who she was talking about and she shrugs in response, closing her book and accepting that studying was not on the table for the rest of the night now the ball has been mentioned.

“Probably not.” She deadpans. Y/N’s been trying not to get her hopes up that Fred would ask her to the Yule Ball since it was announced three days ago. Alicia’s already been asked by George- who immediately did a dramatic reenactment of some muggle proposal he’d seen in a movie as soon as Dumbledore announced it. But Fred had been more reluctant to ask anyone, despite people’s assumption that he could get anyone he pleased. Y/N only hoped this was because he was too shy of taking whatever they were from friends to lovers.

No one really understood how the outspoken and mischievous redhead became friends with the snarky Slytherin girl, but 6 years into their schooling people have stopped questioning it. They had formed an unexplainable bond the second they met on the train to Hogwarts when they were eleven years old that may have included both shouting at blood purists and now it seems to have evolved into something beyond just a friendship.

Lingering stares, soft touches, the fact neither of them had really dated anyone else because they were too caught up with each other. Everyone, including their friends, have all placed bets on how long it’ll take for the two of them to ‘fess up and finally get together.

“What makes you say that?” Alicia asks, genuinely. She’s heard first hand the teasing George and Lee give Fred over his feelings for Y/N in the Gryffindor common room when they think they’re alone so she finds it hard to believe he hasn’t even hinted at them going together yet.

Y/N shrugs. “I just think if he wanted to go with me, he’d ask me by now… Y’know?” Alicia can’t really deny her logic. Fred’s never been the one to shy away from being outspoken about anything really in the whole six years she’s known him, so even she can admit it’s weird that Fred hasn’t asked her.

“Maybe he just assumes you guys are going together?” Alicia starts, and before Y/N can argue back, she holds up a hand, “I’ll ask him after dinner tonight. I can guarantee Lee or George will join in and you’ll have your date by Transfiguration tomorrow!” Y/N shakes her head and laughs, and starts packing her things, mumbling about Alicia is a meddler and that she’ll see her later.

Y/N’s walking to the Great Hall for dinner when it happens. Adrian Pucey, star quidditch chaser for the Slytherin team slinks up next to her and scares her enough to almost drop the books she has clutched in her hands. She’s never had a problem with Adrian- their parents are in similar friendship circles so she sees him at family friend events outside of school, but she’s never considered him a friend either, which is why his approach to her is so odd.

“Sorry about that,” he laughs, shoving his hands in his pockets as Y/N clutches her chest. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“No, no, it’s fine,” she starts, “You’re just very quiet. I’m used to being almost tackled to the ground when I see friends.” She laughs, but she doesn’t miss the awkward tension in the air and she can’t help but assume what’s coming next.

“I just wanted to ask if, uh, if you don’t have a date to the ball… If you’d like to go with me?”

Y/N gulps. She knows she shouldn’t be putting all her eggs in the Fred Weasley marked basket, but she can’t help but remember her conversation with Alicia only an hour ago.

‘You’ll have your date by Transfiguration tomorrow!’

Adrian senses her hesitation and lets out a breath that sounds like he’s almost laughing. “You’re waiting for one of Weasley twins to ask you, aren’t you? Fred, right?” She hates how easily he caught on.

“Adrian, I- Ugh, I’m sorry. But yeah… I am.” She feels her cheeks heat up in embarrassment at someone she’s not even friends with pointing it out. She can’t help but think maybe this is a sign though, that if everyone else is expecting it, why hasn’t he asked her yet?

“No, it’s all good. But the offers on the table if he’s too pussy to ask you out.” He gives a kind smile as he walks off to catch up with Marcus Flint who’s drilling Malfoy about quidditch plays.

She exhales slowly and finally makes it to the Great Hall. She scans the tables looking for her closest friend in Slytherin- Daphne Greengrass and once she finds her, she quickly makes her way over to her. Dinner is relatively uneventful since she’s sitting with her house, and George manages to catch her eye at one point and mouths ‘miss you’ to which she laughs and says she misses him back.

She’s about to get up and leave when the last thing she expects to happen, happens. She hears Ron exclaim loudly that Fred can’t make fun of him for not having a date because he doesn’t have one either. Y/N feels her heart start to race, knowing if anyone’s going to prove a point to Ron, it’ll be Fred Weasley. She doesn’t hear what Fred’s reply is but Harry and Ron both scoff, and one of them says ‘ask a girl out if it’s so easy then.’

Y/N’s about to approach the Gryffindor table when George’s eye catches her, and he shakes his head. Fred has already thrown a scrunched-up piece of paper at Angelina and her heart sinks.

“Angelina! Will you go to the ball with me?”

As Angelina laughs and says yes to Fred, it feels like the whole Great Hall is either watching their altercation or watching Y/N in pity. Her heart now feels like it’s in her throat, and she needs to get out of the room before she cries or yells at Fred. She pivots on her heel and is met face-to-face with Daphne, who nods in silent agreement that they’re going back to their dorm.

Y/N is halfway down the long tables with the door in her sights when she spots Adrian out of the peripheral of her eye. She can tell he’s looking at her in pity and in a weird way, she feels the need to show defiance against Fred Weasley. She needs to show she doesn’t need pity, especially right now, that she can get a date herself. So she stops in front of the Slytherin quidditch team and slightly smirks.

“That offer to the ball still on the table?”

Daphne spends the night taking Y/N’s mind off the Weasley family. They sit in their dorm together, once again trying to study for potions which eventually leads into ball talk yet again. Daphne can tell the idea of going to the ball with anyone who isn't Fred is unnerving for Y/N, but there’s no backing down now.

“That was kind of a badass move, y’know?” She starts, treading lightly as they eventually reach the elephant in the room, ‘Asking Adrian after what happened.”

It doesn’t feel badass to Y/N. She feels like she’s cheating on the redhead that owns her heart, but she knows that’s ridiculous. Fred clearly has no form of feelings for her and she’s decided to get over him.

“It’s nothing…” She starts and she sees Daphne’s eyebrows raise. They’ve been roommates every year since they started school together so they’re both aware this is a big lie. “I didn’t want to go alone. Everyone else had dates already and Adrian’s nice. Plus, he did ask me before…”

Daphne nods, not wanting to press further. “Have you got a dress yet?” It had said on their packing list for the school year to bring a dress or dress robes so everyone’s already well prepared. Y/N nods and walks towards the closet before pulling out a floor-length silver gown with lace detailing. She smiles shyly as Daphne gasps in awe.

“Eat your heart out, Fred Weasley!” For the first time all night, Y/N laughs. She knows she’s going to look stunning in the dress and while she has no ill resentment towards Angelina for agreeing to go with Fred, she can’t help but feel a little bit coy knowing Fred’s going to see her in it.

She’s sitting at her desk in Transfiguration the next day when he finally acknowledges her presence. She’s twiddling her quill in her fingers, dreading the moment the troublemaker waltzes into the class. His usual seat is the one next to her, while George and Lee sit in front of them but she can only hope Alicia takes the hint and sits with her before Fred does.

She doesn’t get her wish. She’s about two seconds away from dozing off when the seat screeches against the hardwood flooring below them and she looks to her left to see Fred smirking.

“Hi love,'' he starts, the nickname not feeling out of ordinary, “I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages.” He says, and it’s true. He hadn’t seen her since class yesterday. He had looked for her before dinner to tell her about the prank he’d pulled on Filch with George while she was studying and he’d barely seen her during dinner.

Her heart starts to speed up at the nickname, and she forces down the bile she feels growing in her throat. “Yeah, I just ate dinner and went to bed yesterday. Been studying for potions. Sixth year is hard.” She’s trying to be short and sweet and maybe a little blunt but Fred doesn’t pick up on it. “Heard you asked Angelina to the ball too.” She’s hoping to whoever’s listening to her prayers that the jealousy isn’t evident in her voice and by the dopey smile that grows on Fred’s face, her prayers were answered.

“Yeah! Ron was being such a prat, telling me I couldn’t make fun of him for…” But she drowns his voice out. It might be a bitch move, but she really doesn’t need to hear the who, where, when and why he asked Angelina out. It’s clear to Y/N that Fred didn’t even notice her existence at dinner and that stings more than she’d like to admit.

She can barely concentrate during class. Fred has never really shown to care about any academic success, so he spends the entire period trying to entertain Y/N and get her to speak to him but she’s being stubborn and Fred can’t help but wonder what he did wrong. He starts to think maybe she’s just had a bad day, but when the bell rings and she storms off without even saying goodbye to him he’s dumbfounded.

“Trouble in paradise, brother?” George teases when he sees the frown adorned on Fred’s face.

“Have I done anything to upset Y/N?” He questions and he sees the way George and Lee both give each other a look. They know something he doesn’t and that leaves a feeling of uneasiness in his chest. Y/N and himself have always been closer than her and George and especially her and Lee. He was there for her when her parents were fighting constantly when she was 11 and when Marcus Flint started bullying her in 3rd year. He was even there when she cried to him last year about the guy she loved and how he was so stupidly blind to her feelings and while she didn’t give a name, Fred was dying to go punch whoever it was for not realising he had his best friend’s heart.

“If you have, it’s not up for us to tell you, mate.” Lee states and he hides behind George when he notices the scowl on Fred’s face. Lee knows better than to get between him and Y/N, but he isn’t wrong.

“Look, Alicia said she was fine when they left the library yesterday evening,” George starts, and he knows he shouldn’t be lying to his brother and best friend, but it’s not a huge lie, and maybe it’ll push his oblivious brother to realise what he did to upset his best friend, “She was at dinner last night when you asked Angie to the ball and then she went to her dorm with Daphne. Heard something about her saying yes to Adrian Pucey asking her to the ball…” While George made extra emphasis on the fact Y/N witnessed Fred asking Angelina to the ball, Fred’s eyes glaze over in rage when George mentions Adrian and he has a feeling his twin has got the wrong idea.

“I bet Adrian did something to her. Fuck him, honestly.” And before George and Lee can stop him, Fred’s stalking out of the classroom with Adrian Pucey in his sights.

Fred doesn’t find Adrian until later that afternoon, standing on the pitch and clad in his quidditch robes, yelling at someone who Fred assumes is Montague. He thinks now is probably a bad time to confront him, but he's blinded by the thought that he’s hurt Y/N.

“Pucey!” He shouts and when Adrian turns around, he chuckles and smirks at Fred. He was expected this later rather than sooner, specifically during dinner, but he guesses now will have to do.

“What?” He asks, but they both know why he’s here and he’s just enjoying riling Fred up.

“What did you do Y/N?” Adrian scoffs at this and shakes his head which confuses Fred. “What did I do to Y/N?” Fred stands his ground, chest puffed up. Adrian might be a fair bit shorter than Fred but Adrian hasn’t got anything to be scared of. Sure he’s seen Fred throw a punch or two and he’s definitely been on the receiving end of a bludger from the Weasley during a game, but he knows he isn’t the one that hurt Y/N here.

“I think you should be asking yourself that, mate. Y/N only agreed to going to the ball with me after you asked Angelina out right in front of her.” This causes Fred to look at Adrian in confusion and Adrian laughs at Fred again. He’s confused, why would asking Angelina out hurt Y/N?

It turns out he said that out loud, because two seconds later Adrian is responding to him, “Because she was expecting you to ask her, Weasley.”

Adrian doesn’t even wait for Fred’s reply before stalking off to the Slytherin change rooms and Fred’s left standing on the pitch, wondering why the ache in his chest is almost debilitating at the thought of hurting Y/N and questioning why he feels the need to throw up knowing she’s happily going with Adrian Pucey.

Fred’s next port of call is finding Y/N. After his talk with Adrian, he needs to find out why she expected him to ask her to the ball. He would’ve happily gone with her, but to Fred, she hadn’t even dropped a single hint at wanting to go with him and when she’s finally located, she’s in the library with Daphne.

“This is my exit cue,” Daphne mutters as she notices the redhead roaming around the library looking for Y/N. She doesn’t even have a moment to question Daphne before the seat in front of her is suddenly occupied by the last person she was hoping to see again.

“Why are you going with Pucey?” Is the first thing that leaves Fred’s mouth, and it wasn’t what Y/N was expecting. She splutters, only for a few seconds, before eventually replying.

“He asked me.”

Fred’s eyebrows furrow, but didn’t Pucey say she wanted to go with him? “A little birdie said you wanted to go with me. So, how come you’re going with him.”

Now Y/N scoffs and Fred can’t help but notice how many people are scoffing at him today just for asking questions and it’s getting annoying. “You didn’t ask me. He did. So, I said yes. Don’t understand why it’s such a big deal.” She’s intentionally being short, hopefully not spilling anything about her feelings for the boy in front of her.

“I didn’t know you wanted to go with me, Y/N. How was I supposed to know?” At this, Y/N goes from feeling hurt to angry and she can’t explain why her hands start to shake.

“How were you supposed to know?” She exclaims loudly which causes her to receive a rather nasty ‘sh’ from Madam Pince and a few O.W.L students surrounding her.

“Have you seen the way we act around each other Fred?” She’s now whisper yelling and the confused look on Fred’s face as she says this just aggravates her further and she’s convinced no one is this daft and he’s pushing her buttons on purpose. “Because everyone thinks we’re fucking dating already, Fred. You have to constantly be touching me, we’re always together, you call me darling and love and you kiss me on the forehead when I fucking bring you sugar quills from Hogsmeade because they’re your favourite and whenever you have spare money you always buy me Honeydukes chocolate because you said you like seeing me blush when you buy me things. You’re telling me now that we’re just friends?”

If the ache in Fred’s chest was almost debilitating on the quidditch pitch earlier, right now it feels like he’s about to go into cardiac arrest. Her cheeks are flushed, her fists are clenched, pieces of her hair are falling out of her bun that’s resting on top of her head and, worst of all, Fred’s noticed the tears of anger and frustration pooling in her eyes.

She sighs before continuing, trying to compose herself so he doesn’t see her crying over him, unaware he’s already noticed the tears threatening to fall. Her voice is sad and broken, and it feels like the ending point for her.

“I was just stupid enough to assume this year was the year we would finally admit we’re more than friends, Freddie. But I guess all this time it’s been one-sided. I hope you have a good time at the ball with Angelina.”

Fred grabs her wrist as she starts to pack up her things and looks at her, scanning her face for any form of emotion. “Let me go, Fred.” She looks at him with pleading eyes and he lets go of the grasp he has on her wrist.

Fred doesn’t try to stop her again as she hastily packs up her things and he sadly watches her leave the library without turning to look at him.

Y/N doesn’t care if it’s considered dramatic, but she lays in bed and cries for the rest of the day. While she hasn’t gone through a literal break-up, it feels like her friendship with Fred is over. At least, she’s decided, it’s over until she gets over her feelings for him.

Daphne tries everything in her power to comfort her. She rubs her back, plays with her hair and even puts on ABBA to try and get Y/N to dance just to cheer her up. Y/N feels horrible she’s basically conned Daphne into babysitting her breakdown but Daphne constantly reassures her it’s okay.

“Do you want me to go beat him up? I might be short and weak and he’s the size of a tree but I could take him.” Y/N sniffles a laugh at this, and smiles. She’s truly grateful for everything Daphne’s been doing for her and she makes a mental note to get her an extra special Christmas present next time she goes to Hogsmeade.

However, it turns out essentially ending the friendship with Fred ends her friendships with most of the Gryffindors. She was expecting this, but when George can’t even meet her eye in class her heart breaks into even smaller pieces. George has always been like a brother to her, someone she could tell anything too without worry of being judged. He was the first person she told when she realised she liked Fred and Y/N was the first person, besides Fred, that George told his feelings for Alicia for.

Y/N feels alone but she’s stubborn so she refuses to show it. She sits with Daphne in every class, essentially kicking poor Cassius Warrington who’s been pining after Daphne for 3 years into a different spot in class and she sometimes even sits with Adrian during lunch. It turns out they have a lot more in common than just the fact they’re in Slytherin and pure-bloods and Y/N’s pain in her chest is slowly but surely disappearing.

While her feelings for Fred still exist, her heart slowly feels like it’s being mended. It’s only when she spots Fred sulking during lunch one day that the ache returns. She was usually the one who he went too when feeling bad- him being too embarrassed to go to George. She hopes he’s okay, but she shakes the idea of approaching him, knowing he’s got Angelina to keep him company. The pang in her chest stays a little bit longer that day.

The Yule Ball arrives quicker than expected and Y/N and Daphne spend all day getting ready with a bunch of other Slytherin students. It’s nice, while they don’t all usually get along, the house loyalty between them is unmistakable.

Most of them are acutely aware of Y/N’s ‘Weasley Situation’ and while some of them give her pity looks, most of the younger girls have expressed their jealousy that she’s going with Adrian. This makes her laugh and shake her head and she often replies that boys aren’t all that and no boy is worth being jealous over. She feels like a wise mother almost, never wanting them to feel the way she’s felt the past few weeks.

Daphne and Y/N arrive at the Great Hall together, giggling about how bad Y/N is at walking in heels and placing bets on how quick they’re going to come off. While Daphne is counting her galleons in her purse to confirm the bet, Y/N catches a glimpse of Fred and Angelina. He looks so handsome, his dress robes a mixture of gold and black and she can’t help but think how well they’d go together. But when she looks at Angelina she feels like she’s going to pass out.

Angelina is stunning, and there’s no doubt about it. She’s in a floor-length dark purple gown that compliments her skin perfectly and Y/N thinks if Fred was going with anyone to the ball, she’s glad it’s Angelina.

Cassius and Adrian soon appear by the girls and take their arms into the Great Hall that’s been transformed to look like a winter wonderland. The roof tonight is bewitched to look like a winter, snowy day and Y/N can’t help but admire it. She’s grown up with magic her entire life, but she can’t help but constantly be amazed.

Adrian pulls a flask out of his dress robes jacket which makes Y/N snort and he smiles happily at her. Of course he snuck Firewhiskey into the Ball. The action reminds her of something Fred would do and she shakes her head, trying to get the boy out of her mind, tonight of all nights.

“You look beautiful tonight, by the way.” Adrian states as he takes a swig of the flask, and she feels her cheeks heat up. She can hear the sincerity in his voice. “You don’t scrub up so badly either, Pucey.”

“A dance, m’lady?” He jokingly bows to Y/N and she smiles while she takes his hand and he leads her to the dance floor. As Adrian twirls Y/N around the dance floor, albeit messily because neither of them paid attention in dance classes held by Snape of all people, she forgets about the redhead who’s stare is burning holes into the back of her head.

“You’re a shit date, y’know.” Angelina laughs and Fred’s broken out of his trance. “Shit, Angie, I’m so sorry.”

Angelina isn’t wrong. She’s a smart girl, and she’s well aware of Fred’s longing stares towards the Slytherin girl. “Did you know? That you wanted to go with her?” Angelina questions, out of sheer curiosity. Even she was shocked when Fred asked her, but she was too dumbfounded when he asked and with everyone watching at dinner, the pressure to say yes was immense but it was not worth all the pain and heartache she’s watched her two friends go through.

“At the time? No, definitely not. She’s…” He trails off as he tries to find the right words, “She’s always been there, y’know? I just assumed she’d be in my life forever and what we had was what we’d always be… It felt normal, like I didn’t feel the way I feel about her with you, or Katie or Alicia but it felt like that’s how you’re meant to feel about your girl best friend?”

He looks over at them again, and the gross feeling of jealousy rises in his throat. “But then she said yes to Pucey, and all I can think about is how no one should be holding her but me and that he'll walk her all the way back to her dorm tonight and probably kiss her and I feel like throwing up, and...” He pauses and looks at Angelina and the pity in her eyes is obvious. “And you don’t think about your best friend like this.”

Angelina watches in pity as Fred clearly drowns his sorrows in pumpkin juice and she drags him onto the dance floor. She’s not letting Fred have a bad night and she refuses to have one as well. Fred is one of her best friends, and even though she might not be the girl he wishes he was here with, she’s determined to cheer him up somehow.

Fred finally starts to have a good time when he spots George slyly leading Alicia out of the Great Hall and he loudly wolf whistles causing a red hue to form on both their cheeks and George to flip Fred the bird as they leave. Angelina spots Y/N grab her purse across the room while Fred’s distracted and she quietly leaves just after George and Alicia.

Alone.

“Y/N just left, Fred. Alone.” Fred’s confused why Angelina is telling him this when he looks over at Daphne and Adrian, who both look at him like ‘Go you fucking idiot’ and before he can even mutter a goodbye to his friends, he’s out the door almost as fast as George was.

He finds Y/N sitting on a bench in the courtyard. She’s looking up at the stars and Fred stars to recall last summer when she visited The Burrow. She spent all night trying to point out constellations to Fred and as he watches her mutter to herself, Fred wonders how he didn’t realise that they were in love this entire time.

He clears his throat, careful not to startle Y/N and when she turns Fred can see the hesitation in her face as she quickly goes to jump up and leave.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have stolen the prime make-out spot of the night.” She awkwardly laughs but then quickly realises Fred is alone. “Nevermind… Where’s Angelina?”

Fred shrugs, and sits down on the bench she was sitting on originally. Y/N stands awkwardly before sitting down next to him. As much as she hates to admit it, she’s missed being close to him. The warmth that radiates off him despite it being the middle of winter causes her to shuffle just that slightly bit closer to him and Fred can’t help but smile.

“You look beautiful tonight. I know Adrian probably told you already, at least I hope he did, but you deserve to know.” Fred could feel himself rambling and he doesn’t miss the blush that rises across Y/N’s neck and cheeks. It’s the exact same blush that appears whenever he buys her chocolates and his heart soars.

“Thanks Freddie,” the nickname feels foreign on her tongue, “you look pretty handsome yourself. I hope Angelina told you.” She retaliates and Fred hates it. He hates the awkwardness between them. He wants nothing more to wrap his arms around her and hold her close but they feel like strangers.

“Thanks,” he laughs and Y/N looks at him confused. “Did you have a good night?”

“Can we not have this awkward small talk? I’m sure Angelina’s waiting for you somewhere.” Fred’s taken aback by her abruptness and stares at her for a few seconds. “What?” She asks when she notices Fred looking at her like she has nine heads.

“Angelina’s not waiting for me. Is Adrian waiting for you?” He asks but he doesn’t want to know the answer. He’s gone through a rollercoaster of emotions these past few weeks and he truly doesn’t want to know if another man is waiting for her to sweep her off her feet and walk back to the Slytherin common room. But when she shakes her head, Fred lets out a breath he didn’t realise he was holding.

“I need to apologise.” He blurts out and Fred wants to smack himself in the head. This was not the romantic moment he had envisioned in his head as he followed her outside into the courtyard. “I need to apologise for a lot of things. Mostly, for not realising how ridiculously in love with you I am, and also for not asking you to the ball and for ruining our friend-”

“You didn’t ruin our friendship.” She cuts him off but she doesn’t know what else to say. “You didn’t. I did, if anything.” Fred has to stop himself from starting an argument on who ruined the friendship but he wants to backtrack. Did Y/N just ignore him confessing his love to her?

“Well, I’m still sorry for not realising how ridiculously in love with you I am?” He tries again sheepishly and Y/N gives him a double-take. She heard him the first time but she was convinced it was just her ears playing tricks on her or Fred being a menace. After all, this is Fred Weasley in front of her, he’s always looking for a joke and as she’s about to accuse him of pulling a sick, twisted prank on her, she looks at him properly.

And he’s looking as serious as he did the day he told her he plans to open a joke shop with George after they graduate.

“You’re in love with me?” She asks quietly and her heart is racing again. She thinks back to the day she accidentally confessed to Fred and how she’s spent the last few weeks trying to fall out of love with him just for him to admit he’s fallen in love with her. “Fred, if this is some sick and twisted joke I will never forgive you.”

Fred almost looks hurt at this, that she thinks he’s capable of something that cruel. So instead of speaking, he softly cups her face in both his hands and runs his thumbs across her cheekbones in a loving manner. He looks her directly in the eyes and Y/N doesn’t think she’s breathed in the last 30 seconds.

She’s been craving being this close to Fred for as long as she can remember. Their lingering touches were never this intimate and right now, she feels like she can look into Fred’s eyes and see into his core, his soul. And he can do the same to her.

“Can I kiss you?” He asks softly, and Y/N gasps before nodding, wanting nothing more than to feel his lips against hers.

As he leans in his eyes flutter close, as do her’s. Y/N hasn’t kissed a lot of people in her life, but nothing could ever compare to the way she feels right now. The love and adoration Fred is pouring into this kiss almost brings tears to her eyes and she can only hope he can feel the love and adoration she has for him back.

Their lips move in perfect synchrony, neither of them pushing each other too far, but when Y/N drags her fingers through Fred’s hair and he lets out a groan, she can’t help but pull away and giggle.

“I’ve missed hearing you laugh.” Fred’s arms are now wrapped around her middle and he’s leaning down to press his forehead against hers. Now he has her in his arms, he’s never letting her go.

“I’ve missed having you make me laugh, Freddie.” She says sincerely and it’s Fred’s turn to blush. He knows they need to eventually leave their little bubble of happiness they finally have but he doesn’t want too. But he knows they need to talk about what happened, about them, what they are and Fred so desperately hopes this means Y/N is his.

She senses Fred’s thinking and she looks up at him, doe-eyed and innocent and Fred’s heart melts.

“Stop overthinking.” She mutters, running her hand through his long hair again and Fred almost looks like a cat purring as he feels her fingernails rake across his scalp and he leans into her touch. “Can’t help it. Don’t want to lose you again.”

Her heart pounds, this is all she’s ever wanted to hear and now she wants to hear it every single day. So she tells him exactly that.

“I’m yours, Freddie. As long as you’re mine? If you don’t know what you want it’s okay, I promise we can take it slow-” Fred cuts her off, laughing as he kisses her again and he feels how warm Y/N’s cheeks are, as she blushes over Fred silencing her with a kiss. When he pulls back, her face is flush, her hair is falling out of her bun. It reminds Fred of that day in the library, except this time, the happiness in her face is unmistakably there, and finally he’s the cause of it.

“Of course, I’m yours, darling. I’m never letting you go.”

Late the next morning, when Y/N is trying her best to sneak out of the Gryffindor sixth year boys dormitory with a dark purple hickey adorning her neck, she spots three 4th years whose names she doesn’t even know, giving Ron Weasley five galleons.

Ron sees her, and smirks. “My bet was at the ball. Thanks, Y/N, you and Freddie boy have made me a very rich man.”

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#fred weasley #fred weasley fanfiction #fred weasley imagine #fred weasley one shot #fred weasley x reader

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alyssadeliv · 4 years ago

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The Forgotten One

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Chapter 6

They won. Just as she knew they would. But still... she lost so much that day. At this point, she should be numb to lose. After all she lost in her life, it should be easy for her to deal with grief, but the feeling of having your chest split open would never go away completely. After Master Fu’s death she had only one goal in mind: find and kill Hawkmoth. It took her six long months until she finally was able to finish what her Master had started. With time and dedication, she was able to gather enough power to be able to tell the exact location of where the villain's energy was coming from. It was a hard thing to do, but Marinette was nothing but determined. She focused all her energy and time on achieving this goal. Making the people around her be concerned for her wellbeing. Knowing about her upbringing her godmother understood her the best, she also never rested until her mission was finished. But the others, especially Tikki and Chat Noir thought she was working herself to exhaustion. They tried their best to help her, but that was something she had to do by herself now that she was the Guardian.

When the time came, she was ready. She did not ask for the help of the temporary heroes, because she knew she wouldn’t need them. It was only her and Chat in the beginning, so it should be just the two at the end. Between them, she felt confident that they would end victorious. So that’s what they did, on one cloudy day two years after their debut, they marched to where Ladybug swore was Hawkmoth lair. Much to Chat Noir’s displeasure and disbelief they arrived at the famous Gabriel Agreste mansion. After Master Fu’s death, she was supposed to learn the real identity of her partner, but she couldn’t get herself to unmask the person that she trusted with her life. In those two years that they fought together, they formed a very strong bond, not only as partners but as friends as well. She never had a relationship like that with anyone, sure she had trusted people before, but no one except for Damian trusted their life with her. At the time, because she didn’t know who he was, she couldn’t understand his reaction when they arrived at their destination. But she decided to address that after the battle, now she needed her total focus on her task. Big mistake.

Discovering a secret passage in the designer’s workroom wasn’t a surprise, she had no doubt that it was him, the recluse fashion designer that lost his wife years ago. He fitted the profile, and she should have seen that before. Gabriel Agrest received them not transformed, with his assistant at his side. After their last battle, she had healed, but she would never be the same. His lair was exactly what she imagined it to be, spacious and full of white butterflies flying around. The strange thing was a big recipient in the middle of the room, she could see a woman lying down, in a deep sleep, but had no clue who she was. At her side, her partner stood frozen. Incredulity clearly displayed in his face.

“So you finally came after me, I had been wondering what was taking you so long” The villain taunted her. “Don’t you see Ladybug? This is the only way! I need my wife again! My son needs her. All I’ve done was to bring my son’s mother back to him. Haven't you lost someone you loved? Experienced grief? With your help we can bring them back, all I need is your’s and Chat Noir’s Miraculous!”

She felt her blood burning through her veins. How dare he try this on her. No one knew grief better than her. At only fifteen she lost someone she thought to be her other half. After years of training him, it was almost impossible to not get attached. Only to have him be disposed of by her own grandfather after he discovered the true nature of their relationship, her best-kept secret. At least according to her mother, he wasn’t dead, but you could never be so sure. After that, it was as if a door had been open, year after year she lost someone new. First, she lost her mother and brother - Even if they were not dead, she couldn’t be with them, then her Master, she should have known more would come.

Enraged she didn’t waste any time. She attacked, engaging HawkMoth into battle.

“Very well. We’ll do it the hard way.” And then he called in his transformation. Immediately blocking her first strike.

She wasn’t sure what was happening behind her, but she heard Mayura calling her transformation as well so she could only assume her partner had engaged in battle as well. But then the peacock wielder advanced onto her. Fighting two opponents at the same time wasn’t supposed to be difficult, not after all her training, but adding the fact that their Miraculous made them stronger certainly complicated things.

“Chat! Where are you?” She yelled, dodging Hawnkmoth’s staff. She threw her weapon at Mayura, and after it curled around her left ankle she pulled, sending her flying in the designer direction. They collided.

It gave her enough time to search for her friend. He was sitting in front of the unknown sleeping woman. His hand resting in the glass. He had tears running down his face, and it broke her heart to see him so lost.

Distracted, she felt a blow on her side, and it sent her to the ground. Using that to her gain Mayura attacked, Marinette reacted fast, but not fast enough using her fan the villainess was able to cut her in the right cheek. Ladybug chastised herself, she was distracted by her partner's odd behavior and was allowing them to hurt her.

“Father! Stop!” Relishing his transformation Chat Noir was gone.

In his place stood Adrien Agreste. A shy boy she had met a couple of times when he went to the bakery with his friend. So different from his secret persona, she never even suspected him to be the cat miraculous wielder. She was shocked, but she was glad she wasn’t the only one. Hawkmoth had an expression of shock and unbelief.

And that’s when things lost control. Sometimes when she fought she lost herself in it and everything would be a blur at the end. She just knew that when it all ended she stood beside Mayura’s body. Adrien knocked unconscious and no sight of Gabriel Agreste. It was only the fact that she was holding the butterfly miraculous that she relaxed. With adrenaline pumping in her system, she approached the sleeping woman, who she now knew to be Adrien’s Mother. Something inside of her was humming, ordering to reach the woman. So that’s what she did. The rush of energy that left her was overwhelmed. She felt so full and invincible. To her surprise, the woman woke up.

After that things calmed down. She finally found the two missing pieces of the Miraculous box.

But that didn’t mean she was finished. Somehow Gabriel scaped, leaving his son and wife behind. She knew from experience he would not be returning any time soon. Too afraid to fight her without his powers.

She still needed to go after him.

So that’s what she did.

She decided to bury Nathalie herself. Even after her bad choices in life, Marinette felt that she still deserved to rest somewhere, so she chose a small cemetery just outside of Paris that would do. She packed her things and said her goodbyes to her godmother and her husband. But she only really left after making sure that Adrien and his mother were safe. She left him a way to contact her, no matter where she was. Revealing her identity to him would be too dangerous at the moment with Hawkmoth free, he was unhappy but he understood. Discovering that his Father was the one that had been terrorizing Paris for almost two full years clearly changed the way he saw the world. And he was truly surprised when she told him she would not reveal who his father really was. He just got his Mother back, he didn’t need to suffer from the actions of his selfish father. She still trusted him, and she made sure he knew.

Leaving Paris was surprisingly difficult. It had been her home for a long time, even after the bad memories she still couldn’t erase all the good ones. Going into mission mode she immediately started tracking the escapee. She kind of missed this, the tracking and waiting. She wasn’t sure if he knew she was after him, but he would be naive to think she wasn’t.

She found tracks of him in Dunkirk, from there she went to London. It was the only possible choice after all. His wife’s family lived there, so it was possible he had resources there. Lucky was on her side so that’s where she found him. After getting in touch with some of her contacts she got the information she was after. After a close call, he apparently decided that leaving the continent was the safest choice. She had to applaud him, he was cleverer than she gave him credit, but she was smarter.

Arriving in New York was a surprise, but discovering that her target goal was Gotham was a shock. It made sense, her Father’s hometown was the Capital of crime. No one would pay attention to a former designer looking for a safe place to live. It made her wonder if he hadn’t planned this beforehand, fearing he would need to flee the country.

So here she was, a random dealer tied up in front of her in some god knows where warehouse, the blood coming from his wounds a clear sign that he wasn’t giving her the information she sought.

“Why do you insist on lying to me? We both know you talked with Gabriel Agreste this afternoon… Tall, blond… Why don’t you tell me what you two discussed?” She smiled predatorily. Balancing her dagger between her hands.

“Please! I don’t know what he wanted, I swear!”

“Tsk, wrong answer…” She stabbed him in the calf. He screamed.

This had been going for a couple of minutes, and honestly, she was getting annoyed. She knew he sold Gabriel something, she just needed to know what. She was done playing cat and mouse. Being so close to where she knew her brother was made her anxious to just go and find him. But the person in front of her just wanted to make her life difficult.

Instead of wearing the Ladybug Miraculous, she decided to wear her old League uniform, as it would blend better with the darkness of the city. Her attire was a mix of black and scarlet green, really different from her red ladybug-themed suit. A hood and a mask that covered the bottom half of her face kept her identity concealed. She didn’t see the point of having a gun, so she opted to go for the more traditional arsenal. With her sword strapped to her back, and some other small knives hidden, she was well-armed.

“Let’s try something new.” From one of her pockets she took a photo. Gabriel Agreste with a serious expression started from the photography that she took from a magazine. “Do you recognize him now?”

The man lifted his beaten face and analyzed the photo for a couple of seconds. Then he sighed in defeat.

“He came today asking for some armament. He gave me the money, I gave him the guns.” Marinette tilted her head “I swear! It was only that! Then he left!”

“Well that wasn’t so hard, was it”

Suddenly she heard sounds coming from a distance, it seems his friends finally realized he was missing. She wasn’t worried, she got what she wanted, but she still needed to keep her existence a secret, so she would need to deal with him.

With one swift move, he was dead, a pool of blood rapidly forming under him.

Using a yoyo, similar to the one she used as Ladybug she lifted herself to the rooftop. In a distance, in the warehouse rooftop across from her’s, she saw movement. She needed to leave. She started running and jumping from building to building. She felt as if she was being followed. Trusting her instincts, she slowed her steps a little to allow whoever was following her to reach her, and then she attacked first, using the element of a surprise to her advantage. Red Robin wasn’t expecting that move so she was able to hit him with her dagger, cutting his right arm in the process. Now that she knew he was one of her father’s pupils she knew she couldn’t hurt him, with that in mind she decided that knocking him out was the best course of actions, if there was another bat boy following her they would be too worried about their friend to track her. She wasn’t ready to make her existence known yet, she first needed to finish what she started. Only then she would reach out to her brother.

Landing a powerful blown into her opponent he was knocked out in seconds. Not wasting any time she disappeared into the night.

This chapter took longer than expected... So she’s finally at Gotham! Who knows what’s going to happen? (except me of course) Thank you for the encoragment, hope this was another good chapter. The taglist is still open so feel free to ask to join! Whoever gets the little easter egg I put in this chapter gets a virtual hug!

WARNING: Major character death; description o violence.

Taglist: @macncheesemonster @jumpingjoy82 @silversaphire12 @jinx-jade @swiftie-miraculer13 @greatcatblaze @megaafangirl @ramos123 @theamityislife @maskedpainter @toodaloo-kangaroo @nyx-in-line @ketchupqueenboiiii @blackroserelina @lozzybowe @user00000003 @kashlyn @msshadows97 @ira-sairain @stackofrandomstuff @myazael @frieddonutsweets @asrainterstellar @our-preciousss @laurcad123 @nyaabinch @rverfades @thefangirlwholiterallydies @astoriaandromeda @unnamed2357 @little-lady-bird @imdaqueenie @meismu @dorkus-minimus @a4-machete @arty-shadow-morningstar @catthhay @sizzling-fairy-oil @poodapup @charme-de-malchan @jayjayspixiepop @fusser90 @adrestar @iloontjeboontje @buginetye @macncheesemonster @messymessyml @redbullgivescaswings @queer-illusion @moonlightstar64 @kking13 @lupagrimm

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lucy90712 · 3 years ago

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Dream- face reveal

wc- 1971

Warnings: use of dreams real name

~ I have been friends with this guy on the internet Dream for about 5 years now, we talk all the time but we have never met in person and I have never seen his face. He doesn't show his face on the internet and I've never asked so it just never happened, he knows what I look like all too well because I like sending him stupid selfies and we FaceTime in the middle of the night all the time.

We have been trying to meet in person for years but things keep getting in the way and changing our plans first family issues, then a hurricane and then a whole pandemic. Despite all of this we have finally set a date to meet which is not going to change not for anything or anyone. It's going to be a big day or should I say month, as insane as it sounds I'm going to move in with Dream and Sapnap one of our other friends for a little while to really make this trip worth it even if it only lasts that long.

The process has been difficult because for me to get to Florida I need to get a plane which requires me to get tested before I fly and for my own piece of mind I have been strictly quarantining for the past two weeks but its finally here. I fly out tomorrow morning. I went and got tested yesterday and got my negative result today which I need to get on the plane.

I've been packing all day today because to be there for a month I need a bunch of my set up and cameras so that my content doesn't just stop but then I also need clothes and I can't seem to get both things to fit quite right.

At one point my phone started ringing but there was a mountain of stuff everywhere so I had to dig around to find it and when I did I saw that it was a FaceTime call from Dream, I picked up and immediately put my phone down to get on with my 5th attempt at packing.

"Yo hows it going?" Dream asked

"I'd say pretty average right now I'm super excited for tomorrow but my bag is giving me a hell of a fight" I replied

"Prop your phone up and I'll try and help" he said

I did as I was told and got my small tripod to rest my phone in where you could see what I was looking at. Honestly it was a mess and I was kind of embarrassed but Dream didn't need to know that and besides my face wasn't in frame so he couldn't see how embarrassed I was. I attempted putting everything in a slightly different way to last time which seemed to work until it came to fitting in my tripod and my wash bag of which there was no room for.

"Fuck sake I thought I had it then" I raged slightly

"Ok take out the webcam and forget about the tripod because I have ones that you can use and then try because I think that should give you enough room" he said

"Hell yeah thanks dream" I said after zipping up the suitcase

I flopped back on the floor tired from the minimal amounts of effort I had put in today which just shows how incredibly unfit I am. I recovered before getting up and moving my phone to my desk where I sat to talk to Dream.

We talked for a while until Sapnap came in and I talked to him for a little while, he's been living with Dream for a few months so he warned me about a few things like you don't wake Dream up which I took note of and he told me that Dream will just come and sit in your stream. Eventually they had to leave so I was left on my own to just kind of chill until it was an acceptable time to go to sleep.

Skip to the morning

I woke up at 5am when my alarm went off, I have a love hate relationship with my alarm because I only ever use it when I have something going on which is exciting but the sound makes me want to throw my phone out the window. Despite my annoyance I got up and went straight to the bathroom to shower and get dressed, I thought about wearing something nice but then I realised I had a 5 hour flight and I couldn't bare the thought of being sat down for that long not in comfy clothes. My comfy outfit consisted of leggings and one of my ex boyfriends hoodies because I never gave it back and I'm over it enough to just wear the hoodie whenever I want.

At just before 6 I got in my Uber to head to the airport seeing as my flight was at around 8 it would be wise to get there early. I wasn't sure how busy the airport would be seeing as you aren't meant to travel but I don't think I've ever seen an airport that wasn't busy.

I made it to the airport and as I assumed it wasn't heaving but there was still a fair amount of people around. I made my way through the crowds and checked in for my flight before heading through security and then making it to the main part of the airport. That part was less busy as there is more space for people to spread out into which made me much less anxious about people being too close. I had a little while to wait for my flight so I went and got some food because I haven't eaten today, and I don't want to end up with a headache.

When it was time for my flight to board I went to the gate and got straight into my seat watching as more people boarded but not as many as I expected, it was clear that all of the people on the flight had a good reason to be going to Florida and not just going on holiday and no one was sat together so all rules were being adhered to.

My flight landed 5 hours later and everyone filed off the plane going there own way leaving me kind of lost in a place that I wasn't used to and with the anxiety of going to meet Dream for the first time. I had a bit longer to wait because I had to get an Uber to the house even though dream offered to come and pick me up I told him not to because the less people at the airport the better and just incase people recognised me I didn't want him to accidentally face reveal.

I collected my suitcase and went straight out to the car park to get in my uber who was waiting just outside the doors in the designated area for taxis. As soon as I got in the car I text Dream letting him know I was on my way and sharing my location just in case things went south.

My uber stopped outside this one house and I got out walking up the drive taking in the house number to make sure I was at the right place which I was. Thats when the nerves really kicked in, I was about to meet one of my best friends in person for the first time. This is so insane to think that after all there years we get to do all the stupid things friends do.

I got to the door and rang the doorbell waiting the few excruciating seconds before I heard movement behind it indicating that there was someone there. It opened slowly and the first person I saw was sapnap who of course I was excited to see but we have talked properly on FaceTime before so I already know what he looks like.

Next another person popped up behind pushing sapnap out the way and giving me a hug straight away I knew it had to be dream but he ran over so quick that I didn't get to take in anything other than the fact he was hugging me. He pulled away and I got to look at his face, he looked pretty much exactly how I thought he would from the descriptions I have heard. As much as wavy length doesn't sound like a thing it somehow fit his hair and his eyes were also super green, he was definitely taller than I expected though this man towered over me like it was nothing and could definitely push me to the ground in a second but he looked kind just how you want a friend to be.

After a few minutes of freaking out that this was actually happening they let me inside and gave me a tour of the house showing me my room and the set up they had put together for me with a webcam and tripod just like dream said. They finished off the tour before I was made to sit and play whatever game they wanted with them.

We played an assortment of games for hours on end before we ordered food for dinner which we ate all chilling on the sofa. I almost forgot that my followers didn't know I was here but when I remembered I stole patches from dream and got him to take a picture of me with her to post on twitter and Instagram because people would get it without me having to explain. Not much of a grand reveal considering Sapnap did the same when he got here but I didn't really have any other ideas I mean its not like I can just do dream's face reveal for him with a picture on my twitter can I. The response to my tweet was insane within minutes people had got it trending and they were freaking out with all sorts of theories of if I'd officially moved in or if I was just visiting although both were kind of right.

Having spent a few hours here now I feel very at home they boys are really welcoming making sure I'm all good and not too tired after my flight which of course I am but sleep is for the weak so I'll wait. I have been told to call the two of them by their real names unless its on stream which feels kind of odd because I'm use to calling them what their know by despite knowing their real names the whole time. They have given me a nickname which I now go by to make it fair.

It was sad when the day came to an end when we all decided it was best to get some sleep even though I think their going to stay up and they said it for my own sake because I've been yawning non stop for the past 2 hours but either way I'm going to go to sleep and this day (one of the best days of my life) will become that of a memory.

Although I don't think this day could have gone any better its consisted of everything I've ever wanted to have in a friend but none of my friends back home if you can call them friends are into the same things as me so it never works out. Now I have two friends who share the same interests and have the same god awful sleep schedule so we can stay up messing around together if we want to which is what life as a 20 year old should be like. Fun.

#dream x reader #dream #mcyt #dsmp #dream team

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weasleyswhor3 · 4 years ago

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“I’m jealous, Angel” (George Weasley x reader)

Warnings: Smut

A/N: this is a wee halloween fic as tomorrow is halloween, wrote it rather quickly but hope you all still enjoy my second fic x

Word count: 6.3k

Halloween. The one day a year you could dress up as out there as you like, and no one seems to care, actually you get praised for it. Halloween at Hogwarts was always fun, a huge feast in an appropriately decorated Great Hall, then later on each house would host a not so secret common room party, usually one of the biggest ones throughout the year, everyone went, whether it was there own house or sneaking into a different common room. People planned for months, stocking up firewhisky and even those with muggle family’s sneaking in all different types of drinks. Y/N was sad this was her last Halloween at Hogwarts, having years of fond memories from this time of year.

Giggles and tumbles could be heard from every room in the tower, girls usually tipsy while getting ready, Gabby, my best friend, currently lying in on the floor in fits of tears as she couldn’t stop laughing at something I clearly missed. “Get up Gabs, your gonna ruin your outfit!” I said to her reaching my hand out to help her up, she looked amazing, she went for a cat this year, she has dark smoky makeup on, cute wee cat ears and a gorgeous little black dress. “Tonight’s going to be the night!” she exclaims, myself, and our other two roommates all glance at each other and roll our eyes, replying with a choir of “Sure”, “Whatever you say Gabs!” “About time!”, you see Gabby has had the biggest crush on Dean Thomas since starting back in September, only issue was she never really saw him, being two years apart caused quite a boundary between them too, but Gabby was certain tonight was gonna be the night to cross that boundary. I was excited for her, she hadn’t shown interest in anyone since Oliver Wood left, so it was about time she got back out there.

I stared at myself in my full length mirror, this year I had gone for an Angel, I wore a small white tennis skirt with a simple white cami top that had lace detail over the neckline, I paired it with knee high white stockings and a small pair of silver heels to match my silver wings placed on my back, my hair was curled into loose waves and I opted for subtle makeup with decorative white glitter scattered on my cheekbones. I look quite good. “George is gonna love you tonight, you look hot!” Gabby said as she brought me into into a drunken embrace, I blushed at her words, hoping indeed my boyfriend would enjoy my outfit. I needed more alcohol to catch up with her it seemed, so I grabbed the bottle of firewhiskey from her bed and drank as much as I could in one go, while my friends cheered me on. Soon we could hear the music start down in the Common Room so we planned our strategical late entrance, deciding to wait another half an hour until heading down.

30 minutes passed and we were definitely a lot drunker than before, but regardless we got our heels on and we prepared to make our entrance, feeling myself get slightly insecure looking around my friends, they were the IT girls of our year, every boy dreamed of getting one of them for the night, people would argue I was one too, but I had been happily with George for 3 years now, so I never really saw myself as one, but I didn’t want it any other way, I was so completely in love with George. My insecurities washed away immediately as I walked into the common room, with not even one minute passing before being approached by the 6 foot redhead I was so lucky to call mine, smirk evident on his face he maintains eye contact with me, only once breaking it to glance down at my body, when he was close enough he leaned into my ear and whispered “Holy shit Y/N, what are you wearing?”, without giving me time to respond he grips my cheek and brings my head round to place a soft kiss on my lips, deepening it as I kissed him back, soon it became slightly aggressive in the sexiest way possible as his hands ran over my lower back while my arms were wrapped around his neck. I pulled away, giggling as I muttered his name “George, I only got here, save that for later” I winked up at him, he smiled back down at me, “Can’t help it princess, you look so hot” Guess Gabby was right. George scans your body again, hands roaming down your waist and going to play with the hem of your short skirt, you slap his hand away, leaning up on your tip toes to level beside his ear, whispering “later.” As you walk away backwards you run your small hand down his arm, shooting him another wink and running off to find Gabby.

I find her among a group gathered in the far corner of the common room, noticing Dean was also in this particular group, I let out a soft laugh as I work my way through the group towards her, I poked her side and she wipped her head round, long dark hair almost hitting me in the face, she let out a excited yell as she pulled me into another drunken embrace, but only this time, way drunker than before, I look around the circle laughing “What the hell did you give her to drink?”, much to my surprise, Dean returns my laugh and states “I’m not quite sure actually, someone gave some to me and It tasted good so I got her some” Dean got her a drink. I laughed again, returning my gaze to her as she had a smirk on her face knowing exactly what I was thinking. Conversation began flowing as the night carried on, me and Gabby continually taking over the dance floor, probably making absolute fools of ourselves but we were having fun, that’s all that mattered. Little did I know, a certain someone watching me was not having as much fun, George was getting impatient, I had hardly spend anytime with him all night, too caught up in my best friends new conquest.

While myself and Gabby were over at the table getting ourselves a drink that we definitely didn’t need, Dean approached her, I watched out the corner of my eye as his hand gently rested on her hip as he whispered something in her ear, I couldn’t hear it but when he grabber her hand and they began to walk away, not before Gabby turned her head back in my direction giving me a wink. I got the idea. Excitedly I scan the room, looking for someone to express my happiness too, my eyes landed on my boyfriend, who was already staring at me, with a bored expression on his face while sat with his friends. I ran over to him , throwing myself on his lap, “Did you JUST see what happened!” I whisper-shouted, he responded with a raise of his eyebrows and a small nod, this reaction making me frown, “What’s wrong gorgeous?” I asked while cupping his face before running my hands through his hair, I noticed his mood lighten slightly at this small sign of affection but still remaining silent for a few moments before making eye contact with me, “I haven’t seen you all night Y/N, you ran off and have left me all night to watch you from across the room, running around in that short wee skirt, downing drink after drink as every boy who caught sight of you drooled over your gorgeous legs and perky bum peeking out every time you jumped about with gabby, it’s not fair Y/N, it’s torturing me!” as soon as he finishes he lifts you off his lap and walks towards the boys dorms, leaving you standing their speechless and slightly confused, you never meant to upset him, or make him jealous, you were just having a good time with your best friend.

Your shook from your thoughts as you feel an arm wrap around your shoulder, looking up to see Fred giving you a sympathetic smile, nodding towards the stairs your boyfriend just disappeared up, “You should follow him Y/N, been in a fowl mood all night, couldn’t handle seeing you being watched by so many boys, go remind him that your all his,” he says, dropping you a wink and pushing you slightly towards the stairs, you return a small smile and a grateful nod as you run up after your boyfriend. Standing now outside his dorm room door, you knock once before walking in anyway, and there he is, shirt now discarded on the floor while he sits at the edge of his bed with his hands in his head. He knew it was you. You walk over to him, standing in front of him as you reach your hands to play with his hair, he lifts his head to look at your face, sorry written all over it. You take a seat beside George, his eyes following you, it’s your turn to look down at the floor, “I’m sorry Georgie, I should of noticed how little I was around you tonight, I was too caught up in Gabbys night I forgot about our night, it was silly of me.” You were now looking into his brown eyes, giving him a small smile in hope he would accept your apology, “I’m being selfish Y/N, i’m always selfish, I want you all to myself, I hate seeing other boys look at you the way I do, I don’t blame them but I doesn’t stop me wanting to smash their faces in,” You can’t help but let a giggle slip from your lips, he also lets a small smile shine through before continuing, “You are so unbelievable Y/N, I know what they all think of you, how much they would want to see your perfect body and beautiful face below them, your soft lips all over them, ugh- i feel sick thinking about it...I’m jealous, Angel”

Your heart broke hearing George get so worked up over other boys, your mind blown at the fact he could ever believe you wanted anyone that wasn’t him. You grab his face, bringing him in for a kiss that was full of so much passion and promise, his hand finding itself a spot on your stomach which his finger tips ghosting your waist, you pull away, keeping your hands on his face, “George I don’t want anyone else, i’m all yours baby, forever, your it for me. I don’t care how many boys look at me or what they think about me, I only care about you. Don’t be jealous, please, they all know they could never be you, and you should know, even when i’m not showing you, you have all of me, all of it.” Slowly you swing yourself over, now straddling his lap, caressing his face with your thumbs on each cheek, “I love you Y/N” George says before taking control, bringing you back in for a kiss, which soon turned into a make-out, his hands proudly grabbing your bum as your wrap your arms around his neck, playing and tugging the hair at the nape of his neck. You knew this was George’s weakness so when he let out a deep groan into the kiss you knew this was going where you wanted it to.

Suddenly you were lifted and slammed into the mattress you were sitting on moments ago, his hands not once leaving their position on your bum, or breaking the kiss, “George,” you moan into the kiss as you can feel is hardening member against your core, sex with George always excited you, no matter how long you had been together. Breaking apart for air, he inches towards your ear, “You look so hot, my dirty wee girl dressed up all innocent and angelic, you drive me crazy Y/N, fucking crazy” -” Show me how crazy” you reply sharply, knowing how much challenging him turns him on. His eyes darken while you look up at him with big soft eyes, trying to look as innocent as possible. Something in him snaps, “Stand up. Strip. Keep the skirt and stockings on.” You jump up, starting with your heels, while he sat on the edge of the bed watching you, next the wings, the top, the white bralet and lastly your panties, throwing them at him as you giggle, he catches them with one hand, placing them down beside his legs, he sucks in a breath before ushering you to stand between his legs, as soon as you are in touching distance his hands are at the back of your thighs, rubbing the soft skin, he leans forward taking one of your nipples into his mouth, sucking and nibbling on the sensitive skin, causing you to let out a whine, his hand running up your thigh under your skirt, delivering a loud smack to your cheek, jolting forward, George mutters “Louder princess, let all them boys know who you belong to,” and with that he repeats his assault on your nipple but now both hands squeezing your behind, you completely fall into a state of bliss and release a loud high pitched moan, “That’s more like it” George smirks, proud of how easily he gets you worked up, grabbing you waist, he pulls you down to the bed before moving back on top of your half naked body.

George couldn’t lie, you did look quite angelic laying there waiting for his next move, looking up at him as if he put the stars in the sky, he was so in love with you.

His thoughts interrupted as he catches one of your hands run over your chest, and the other move down towards your clit, you begin to play with your nipple while rubbing circles over you now dripping pussy, George is in awe, those angelic thoughts being erased as he watches his girlfriend throw her head back into his mattress as she pleasures herself, he could feel himself growing hot and definitely harder, hearing her soft moans, he knew if he didn’t stop her now he wouldn't at all. Grabbing your wrist, halting your actions, opening your eyes to give him that same soft innocent look, he brings his hand up around her neck, chocking her gently, “Stop acting so fucking innocent, stop acting like you aren’t my wee slut, can’t even wait for me to touch you, need to do it yourself, dirty, dirty girl,” his words cause you to moan out, “George, I want your cock, please, I need you!”, rutting your hips up to brush against his. As if he needed anymore than that, he quickly undoes his trousers, pulling them down his legs, throwing them into the pile of clothes you had created, he kneels on the floor beside his bed, grabbing you from being your stocking covered knees, pulling you towards him so your core was right in front of his face, he glances up at you, shooting you a wink before his head disappeared under your skirt. Feeling his tongue flick up and down your burning heat turned you into a moaning mess, his name slipping from your dirty mouth egged George on, flattening his tongue against your clit as he licks a slip slowly up, placing a kiss on the soft shaven skin before surprising you by slipping his tongue into your hole, repeating this action until your hands run through his hair, tugging at it, he moans into your core, causing you to grab a fistful of his ginger locks. He lifts his head from under your skirt, catching your view as he brings his thumb up to wipe is lower lip and chin, not once looking away, he smirks and brings his thumb to his mouth and sucks all the access off, your breath hitches in your throat and he lets out a chuckle as he stands up and begins to take off his boxers, your excitement growing in your stomach.

His dick, standing thick against his stomach, tip red with neglect, but George didn’t mind, as long as his girl was satisfied, “You want it angel, you want my cock?” he says as he leans back onto the bed, you whine “Yes George, want your big cock, please.” He leans down placing a surprisingly gentle kiss on you lips, admiring your blushed cheeks as he grabs the hem on your skirt, moving it up around your waist. Breaking the kiss, leaning his forehead against yours, he slowly inch by inch presses his dick into your entrance, both of you unable to control your moans, the room becomes filled with panting, whines, moans and mutters of each others names as his pace increases, your hands digging into his shoulders and his hand firmly on your waist, keeping your tiny body in his control. “So fucking wet Y/N, so perfect” George grunts before catching your lips with his, causing a very messy make-out between the two of you, “I’m gonna cum Georgie!” you say catching your breath again, “Me too princess, come with me.” You let go and released around his thick cock, the warm wetness sending George over the edge as he fills you with his cum, collapsing on top of you, before removing his dick he kisses you, “I love you so much Y/N”, you return the kiss, smiling up at him, “I love you too gorgeous.” Removing himself from you he stands up, you following him by siting up on the edge of the bed, scared your legs will fail you. George reaches to the back of your skirt, undoing the zip, you catch the memo and lie back down, raising your hips so he can remove the skirt from your body, throwing it down before going back for your stockings, them also joining the pile of clothes. Now both completely naked, he picks you up, taking you to the attached bathroom and setting you down on the counter, both feeling no need to talk, he begins to remove your makeup, kissing you when hes finished, finding a towel he soaks it with harm water, cleaning up the mess now dripping down your thighs, kissing the soft skin like before when hes done. Picking you back up he carries you to bed, setting you down, leaving space for himself to crawl in after you.

He pulls your naked body into his and kisses your forehead, “I’m yours forever Y/N too, that’s if you want to keep me,” George says, without looking at him you knew he was smiling, lifting your head to look at him, “Forever Georgie,”

#george weasley smut #george weasley #george weasley imagine #weasley twins #harry potter fanfiction #harry potter smut #weasley smut

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makeste · 4 years ago

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I read the meta you reposted about anyone being able to become a hero, and I would just like to give some thoughts. I agree it is wrong to think in terms of good vs bad victims and measure everyone as the same. Just because Shoto never killed anyone in response to his abuse and Toya did doesn't mean that Toya was always an evil person looking for an excuse to break bad. Different people break from different things.

these are all good, well-reasoned points, anon, but I disagree with a few of them. let me try to explain.

so the thing about this whole atonement process is that it’s hugely complex, and there isn’t really any kind of roadmap for Endeavor to follow when it comes to trying to make things right. I actually appreciate that his arc is written in such a way that his epiphany doesn’t just happen all at once, and you can see how his approach gradually turns from one that’s still mostly selfish and centered on him, to one that’s actually focused on his kids and what they need. you can see the stages he progresses through as the series goes on.

1. I’d argue that it all starts when he first gets yelled at by Deku (“Todoroki isn’t you!”). he realizes that maybe this kid has got a point, and that treating his son as an extension of him rather than as his own person might just be sorta shitty. so he files that away, but we don’t really see much of a change in him yet.

2. then a few months later he gets thrust into the #1 hero role, which has the interesting psychological effect of forcing him to see past himself and his ego for perhaps the first time in his life. he suddenly finds himself in this position as the new Symbol, and starts to feel the responsibility of that, and it basically triggers the entire rest of his redemption arc. because once he starts looking outside himself, he starts to realize the impact his actions have on other people, including his family. for the first time, he starts looking at the situation with fresh eyes, and realizes how much he’s hurt them.

3. quick little detour here, I feel like it’s important to note that Endeavor -- like many abusers -- actually does love his family and never intentionally set out to hurt them. but the problem is that he is so self-centered for most of his life that he never stops to consider that his family and his kids don’t simply exist to serve his own purposes. he abuses Shouto during his training but I’ll bet you he himself never thought of it as actual abuse, just him being hard on him in order to toughen him up. he thinks he’s doing what’s best for Shouto by making him strong in the hopes that he’ll one day surpass All Might, because that’s always been his goal, and so he just unilaterally decides that should be Shouto’s goal too. he wants the best for him, but it never enters his mind to consider that his son is his own person who, gasp, might not actually want the same things that Endeavor wants. btw I should clarify that absolutely none of this excuses anything he does, holy shit. but I feel like it’s important to mention, because many people complain that the change in Endeavor happens too abruptly and is too unrealistic, but I don’t think that’s true at all. it’s just that people don’t like to acknowledge that abusers are still human (meaning that anyone can become one if they’re not careful to consider how they treat others). Endeavor’s actions are monstrous, but they stem from realistic places, and I think that it’s a very well-thought-out character arc.

4. and so basically, once that change finally starts happening, it’s not that he suddenly starts loving his kids all of a sudden out of nowhere. it’s that he finally starts loving them for their own sake, rather than his. for the first time, he starts loving them selflessly rather than selfishly. and it’s not a change that just happens overnight, because he is so used to everything revolving around him that even after he starts realizing what he’s doing wrong, it still takes him a while to break free from those patterns.

5. and so for example, he suddenly becomes wildly supportive of Shouto and his training and attempts to go full-blown helicopter parent. because clearly that’s what Shouto needs, right?? all those years he was trying to make him into his own personal mini-me rather than loving his son for who he was and supporting him as his own person. and so we see him hounding Shouto in texts to let him teach him his Ultimate Technique (but not because he wants him to surpass All Might, but because he just wants him to be the best hero he can be! it’s different now!), and attending his training sessions to cheer him on from the stands like an obnoxious soccer mom. and afterwards he tells him he’s proud of him, and that he wants to become someone Shouto can be proud of.

6. so you can see there’s some progress at this point, but at the same time he’s still making a lot of the same mistakes. his intentions by this point have genuinely changed! but he’s still looking at the situation from his own point of view, and not taking into consideration how his son feels about the forced attempts at reconciliation. he’s thinking ‘I was a shit father, I need to make it up to him by being supportive.’ but he doesn’t stop to consider that Shouto might not WANT his support by this stage in the game; that he might, in fact, not want anything to do with him at all.

7. and this doesn’t change until after his battle at Fukuoka, when he has dinner with his family and Natsuo blows up at him. he basically lays it all out on the table, but this is the most important part:

I am willing to bet that he did not, in fact, get it until pretty much that moment, actually. because up until this point, he’s been doing exactly as Natsuo said -- trying to make nice, trying to show that he’s changed, and to be a good father now. but he doesn’t stop to consider (a) just how much hurt he really has caused them, and (b) just how impossible it is to simply erase all of that. the pain Natsuo’s expressing here isn’t something people can simply get over. and I don’t think Enji realizes until this moment that he was still going about this in the wrong way.

8. and that, lastly, is what finally leads to this:

he finally realizes that it’s not about him. and apologizes, but makes it clear that Natsuo does not have to forgive him, and that he doesn’t want to burden him by making him feel otherwise. he acknowledges Natsuo’s feelings, acknowledges the pain he’s caused, and realizes that what he and the others need is space. and this is when he makes the decision to build the new home for them and Rei, so that they can finally start to move on -- without him, if that’s what it takes.

so this is basically the progression of Endeavor’s redemption arc up to this point. and I’m sorry it took so long to recap, I didn’t mean for it to lol, but there were a lot of parts I didn’t want to just gloss over. so now, here are a few last points I want to make about his arc.

1. first off, it’s important to consider the timeline here. when making your point earlier, you talked about Endeavor building the new home for his kids, but how “on the other hand” he kept trying to force his relationship with Shouto. however the order of these things is switched around. because Endeavor building the house is something that happens at the end of his arc. and in fact we have not seen him try to force anything with Shouto since then. this is important to acknowledge because it shows that he is learning and that it’s not just an insincere case of one step forward, two steps back. the progress he’s making here is genuine; he really is trying not to be selfish anymore.

2. I know I said “the end” of his arc just now, but in fact we have no reason to believe that this is the end of it. every time I see an argument about “well why hasn’t he done this yet, or why hasn’t he said this”, I wonder why people assume that just because he hasn’t done it yet, it means we’re never going to see it. for instance, he still hasn’t apologized to Shouto specifically for the way he abused him all those years. but just because we haven’t seen it yet doesn’t mean that it won’t happen.

3. fandom has this tendency, when it comes to characters they don’t like and don’t want to see redeemed, to continuously move the goalposts so that no matter what that character does and how much they change, they can continue to justify why it’s not enough. I’m going to take a quick break from Endeavor and use Bakugou as the example here instead, since I think it’s easier to summarize.

“Bakugou is such an asshole, all he cares about is himself, he’s definitely going to become a villain.”

[Bakugou refuses to join the villains] “well whatever, he’s still a jerk, just look at how he can’t even work together with others and refuses to help anyone.”

[Bakugou learns to Win and Save, and unlocks the Power of Teamwork] “well whatever, he still doesn’t care about anyone else. look at how he’s still an asshole to Deku even now.”

[Bakugou starts helping Deku train and learn how to control OFA] “whatever, that’s literally the bare minimum, there’s still no proof that he even cares about him.”

[Bakugou literally takes a life-threatening blow to save Deku] “whatever, it’s like he said, his body moved on its own so there’s still no proof he really cares.”

[Bakugou wakes up from a two-day coma, immediately asks about Deku’s health, and rushes to his bedside] “whatever, I don’t know why everyone is making such a fuss over it, he hasn’t even apologized to him yet.”

and so on and so forth. and I guarantee that once he finally does apologize, it will then shift to “well why couldn’t he just have done that in the first place.” but you get my point.

basically, there are certain characters whose redemption arcs fandom will actively continue to deny no matter what. Bakugou is one of those characters, and so is Endeavor. and I’m not saying that in order to call those people out, because everyone has their own boundaries of forgiveness, and I don’t have the right to dictate anyone else’s, just like they don’t have the right to dictate mine. everyone has their own line, and where it’s drawn is different for each person. like for me, the one particular character who can fuck off for all eternity as far as I’m concerned is Overhaul (although I admit I am still curious to see what Horikoshi has planned for him post-prison break in spite of all that). and there are a lot of other people for whom Endeavor crosses their own personal line. and you know what, that’s fine.

but here’s the thing -- if you actually want to debate his redemption arc with people, you should be willing to do so in good faith. meaning that if you really do think Endeavor is unforgiveable (and I’m speaking now in general terms, not addressing you specifically anon), just go ahead and say so! but don’t come up with an arbitrary list of criteria that he needs to meet in order to qualify for redemption, only to keep on adding more and more items to the list. and most importantly, don’t assume that your criteria are the only valid criteria and that you can speak for everyone else. and especially don’t act like you have a right to go around slapping people with labels like “abuse apologist” just because they don’t share the same opinions as you about a fictional character.

anyway! so as usual, a post that I originally meant to be only a few paragraphs long turned out to be a whole damn essay, I apologize. but anyways anon, basically I share the same opinion as you as far as the mindset that Endeavor needs to have for his atonement (i.e. that it’s not about him). however, I think he’s made more progress than this ask gives him credit for, and I don’t think any of it has been fake. that being said, it’s still a process, and his biggest tests are yet to come. whatever ends up happening, I hope the outcome ends up being one that the rest of his family can find peace with.

#endeavor #bakugou katsuki #'makeste why is the bakugou tag there this is supposed to be a meta about endeavor' yes; well; uh; you see; er...#anyways #bnha meta #endeavor meta #bnha #boku no hero academia #bnha spoilers #mha spoilers #bnha manga spoilers #makeste reads bnha #asks #anon asks

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your-eternal-muse · 4 years ago

Text

How Could I Hate Her?

Heather Series Part 7

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Bonus! Readers Card Confession Part 6

Summery: When checked on by the team, Reader confesses her guilt ridden feelings

Warnings: Mentions and descriptions of depressive episode, light swearing, mentions of medication, but other than that? Nothing that I can think of?

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Heather Carmichael, Spencer Reid x eventual Female!Reader

Words: 3.1k

A/N: Y’all.....it is almost 4:30 in the morning. I started writing this around 9 pm. I am committed and I have Criminal Minds to keep me company so its fine. Also, there is much needed fluff in this chapter. I also tried writing in 3rd person, because there were things I wanted to show that I wouldn’t have been able to if I didn’t. I hope you like it! I should have a bonus episode out later today at some point when I wake from the dead, so, enjoy!

~~~~~

It had been two weeks.

Two weeks since anyone on the team had seen or heard anything from y/n.

“I stopped by her place a couple days after, to try and talk to her. I couldn’t even tell if she was on the other side.” Derek remarked.

Aaron, Derek, JJ, Emily, David, and Penelope stood in her office, talking about y/n, and how worried they were.

They all just got back from a case.

Spencer had immediately gotten called away from work by Heather, who claimed it was an emergency. None of the others truly believed it was.

“As icky as it makes me feel, I can check to see if she is still in her apartment, I mean. If the place where she lives has cameras, I can easily check to see if she’s left.”

She looks to Hotch for permission.

He nods his head in approval.

“Has anyone else tried contacting her?”

“I’ve tried calling, but it goes straight to voicemail. She turned her phone off.” JJ chewed at her lip, her mind traveling to the worst possible scenario. A scenario she wouldn’t let happen. Not again.

“Poor kid. I can’t even imagine what she’s going through.” Rossi’s voice is soft, and he leans back against the wall, eyes not really connecting with anything.

“I know Spencer has tried calling her a couple times. But by the look on his face, I don’t think he got very far.” Prentiss paces back and forth, trying to keep herself busy so she doesn’t go kick down y/n’s door herself.

They all knew.

Derek couldn’t keep something like that to himself. And when he told the team, JJ stepped forward, and confessed that she knew. Spencer was in disbelief.

Y/n had come to JJ so often over the past couple of months, Will didn’t question it anymore. Y/n said watching Henry, and being around someone she doesn’t have to compete with helped.

She never really saw her smile like she used to, but JJ did see her relax, let her walls down. She thought y/n was getting somewhere. She was wrong. Some profiler she was.

“You should have seen her guys.” Derek had been the one to see her shut down before his eyes.

“She was shaking. She couldn’t stop crying, shaking. She was mortified that he had heard her. And then she just, stopped. She stopped shaking. The broken look on her face completely vanished. She didn’t say a word to me when she left. It was like she turned herself off.”

“Confessing your love for someone who then tells you they don’t love you the same can do that to a person.” Penelope says, typing away at her screens.

“No, it’s so much more than that.” JJ says, taking a seat in one of Garcias spinning chairs. “ Every time she would say something even remotely mean about Heather, or Spencer, she would shake her head, look up and smile. She shoves it down because she doesn’t want to be bothersome. That kind of burial of feelings can only end in an extreme.” JJ thinks back to every night, every tear shed at her house. How y/n would wipe her tears, shake her head and force a smile.

“I’m in.” Garcia chirps up from her desk, pulling up video footage of a hallway.

They all circle around, prying eyes eager to look inside the private life of their family, who is in desperate need of assistance.

“So, here she is, the day she left, about an hour after leaving the building.”

They watch the video as she walks down her to her door, tears streaming down her face. She takes her keys out, but before unlocking her door, she leans her forehead against the wood.

Her shoulders shake.

A collective sigh leaves all of them.

“And here I am fast forwarding a couple days.” People walk up and down the hallway, yet her door stays still. Until it opens. She taps a key and the video returns to normal, and a forlorn y/n exists, now clad in sweatpants and a cal tech sweatshirt.

“That’s Spencer’s sweatshirt.” JJ whispers, pinching the bridge of her nose.

Penelope fast forwards again, stopping it when y/n appears once again on the screen.

“Okay, she was gone for about, 2 hours and 43 minutes.”

Y/n is holding two bags, one in each hand, though neither of them are very full.

She disappears behind the door, and Penelope fast forwards again. Morgan can be seen a few times, but y/n doesn’t leave again.

“Oh my god. She left once, three days after and hasn’t been out since.” Penelope takes her glasses off, and wipes her face.

“Alright. We’re doing a wellness check. Y/n clearly needs some help right now, so help is what she is getting. Let’s go.”

The team all nodded, and off they went.

When they arrived, Hotch walked to the front desk, his badge already out. “I’m SSA Aaron Hotchner. We’re here to do a wellness check on y/n y/l/n in apartment 112.”

The front clerk doesn’t question it, simply grabbing a set of keys and leading them down the hallway to an elevator.

Each person is in their own head, but when they appear outside of her apartment, their focus changes. It was about y/n now.

“Y/n, are you in there? Baby girl, can you let us in?”

They stand and listen for a shuffling of feet or the sound of a chair, but nothing.

Radio static.

Hotch nods to the man, and he unlocks her door, allowing the team into her apartment.

It’s dark.

That’s the first thing Derek notices as he walks forward. The second is how cold it is.

The third is the glass breaking underneath his boot.

His eyes land on the pile of shards beneath him, and the move to the book laying on the floor, and the broken mirror which still stands on her wall.

He’s trying not to profile her, but it’s hard.

She didn’t even want to look at herself.

The team walks through her apartment, taking in the abandoned bowls of half eaten food, the empty liquor bottles and faint smell of cigarette smoke.

The path leads them to the living room, where y/n is curled up under a blanket on her couch beneath an open window.

Derek walks over and shuts it, his heart aching at the sight before him.

Y/n clutches a pillow to her chest, her grip tight. Unfinished chinese sits in front of her, beside an ashtray filled with buds.

An empty bottle of medication lays on the ground next to her, and he prays to a god he stopped believing in years ago.

She’s mumbling in her sleep, and the team gathers around, varying versions of wet eyes.

Derek is the one to kneel beside her, and place a hand on her shoulder. He’s relieved when he hears her mumbles, feels the warmth beneath his fingers.

“Baby girl. Baby girl, I need you to wake up.” He knows she’ll feel cornered. He knows it’s a lot to wake up to. But he knows she needs this.

She stirs and her eyes open, cloudy and grey. They flick up to him and then around the room, taking in the sight.

She wants to cry.

She begins to move herself in a sitting position, and Rossi can’t help but notice how thin she’s gotten the last couple weeks. She looks tiny compared to Derek. He just wants to hold her, and never let her go.

JJ notices her lips are chapped, and the dark circles under her eyes. She turns and heads towards the kitchen for a glass of water.

“What are you all doing here?” Her voice is hoarse. She hasn’t spoken in days, unless you count the incoherent sentences she sobs at three in the morning.

Aaron wishes he had stepped in sooner. Her hands shake as she moves to brush hair out of her face. She was his daughter, even if not by blood. He doesn’t know how he couldn’t have seen this.

Emily notices the dry wet spots on her t-shirt, and the pillow that now rests in her lap. She bites her lip to keep her own tears at bay.

“Don’t you have more important things to do?” The words are laced with guilt and self-hatred. How can she possibly take them from a case that could be 10 times more important than her?

Derek runs a hand over her head, wishing he could take her pain away in the blink of an eye.

JJ appears with a glass of water.

“You’re family, y/n. We take care of our family.” Penelope falls to her other side, and grabs y/n’s hand, clasping it in between her own.

JJ moves a couple things on her coffee table, sitting down and handing her the glass of water.

Y/n takes it with her free hand, taking a sip from it.

“Sweetheart, when did you run out of medication?” Derek's voice is soft, it almost breaks near the end, but he holds out.

She sniffs, rubbing the back of her hand under her nose. “A couple weeks ago. They’re filled, I just haven’t….I couldn’t…”

She hands the glass of water back to JJ. Her fingers start tapping her thigh.

“Talk to us, y/n. We’re not going anywhere.” JJ starts to cry, but she can’t help it. The situation in which her friend was in, was dark. It was deep. She’s been on the road to where she is for months, and JJ didn’t do anything.

Y/n thought for a moment. About lying, saying she was fine, that she was coming into the office the next day, that she was over it. But she was tired. Tired of running. Tired of lying.

“I love him.” Her voice is wet, flem and saliva coating each word as it leaves her mouth. The sentence isn’t louder than a whisper.

She clears her throat, and grabs the glass back from JJ, taking a longer gulp.

Her head hurt.

No one speaks.

No one moves.

“I love him.” The tears flowing down her cheeks are different from the ones she’s shed the past couple months. They’re warmer, more full. It relieves the stinging behind her eyes a bit.

“I love him, and I can’t help but tell myself over and over how much better she is than me.” She turns her palm over in between Garcia’s and clutches it with every fiber of her being. “Every bad thing I’ve ever thought about myself is ringing through my ears, in her voice.” She chokes on her sobs, and the room is filled with the months of feelings building in her chest.

“I hate her.” The words fall from her tongue and her chest falls. A weight has been lifted.

“I hate her, and I hate that I hate her. Why should I? She’s pretty, she’s accomplished, she makes him happy.” She looks up at Derek, eye’s pleading. “She is everything, and has everything that I can never have or be. And it kills me.”

JJ takes the glass before it slips from her hands, and sets it down, mirroring Penelope and clutching y/n’s hand between hers.

Y/n leans into Derek, and he wraps his arms around her, pulling her in for a tight embrace, resting his chin on her head.

She cries and cries, and finally after months, she breathes. Her tears stop and she lets the oxygen fill her lungs and she breathes.

For a moment, sniffles throughout the room are all that can be heard. And then Aaron speaks.

“Morgan, I think you should take y/n to go get her meds. A little sunlight and some time out of the house will do her some good.”

She retracts herself from Derek, a slight pink returning to her cheeks. She nods.

“And when you get back, I’ll help you shower.” JJ whispers rubbing her thumb over the back of her hand.

Another nod.

Penelope and JJ let go of her, and she stands.

Penelope notices that she’s wearing the same sweatshirt from the video.

Derek stands with her, one hand on the small of her back, the others holding hers protectively.

“Where are your shoes sweetheart? I don’t want you cutting yourself on the glass.”

“They’re in the kitchen somewhere. I kicked them off and didn’t notice where they landed.”

“Okay. We’ll just be careful, okay?”

Another nod.

The team moves as she does, not crowding her, but never being too far away.

Derek helps her get her shoes and coat on, and leads her out the door.

Once the door shuts, Hotch turns to the others. “Alright. JJ, Emily, start in her bedroom and bathroom. Laundry, bedding, the whole nine yards. Garcia, start in here. I would suggest going through her laptop to see if there's anything we should know about. I know you don’t like it, but in order to make sure she’s safe, we have to.”

The three women nod, and Penelope is already grabbing the laptop that lay at the end of the couch.

“I’ll work on cleaning the kitchen, and David,” He turns to Rossi, already rolling up his sleeves. “I’m sure she doesn’t have much food on hand, and she could probably use a home cooked meal.”

“Say no more. I’m on it.”

~~~~~

The car ride to the pharmacy was quiet.

I can’t say it wasn’t nice to get out of the house. I missed the light.

It was early February, so pink and red hearts decorated the storefront in preparation.

I hated the thought of valentines day during all of this. The thought of what he would be doing for her drove me insane.

It still makes my heart ache.

“What’s going on inside that pretty little head of yours, baby girl?”

I shift my focus, turning back to the driver's seat where Derek sat.

“Just thinking about how much I hate valentines day. It’s over commercialized and the guy who named it named it after himself, selfish prick.”

I see Derek chuckle. “That you are right about.”

I let a small smile slide across my face, and for once it’s not forced. I know not everything will be better right away. I know it’s gonna take time. But still.

It feels nice knowing I’m not alone.

We arrive, and he parks.

We sit for a minute in the silence, and his hand reaches over and takes mine in his grasp.

“I want you to know, that you are a million times better than Heather could ever wish to be. And any dude who doesn’t see that isn’t as smart as he appears.”

He turns his body, so he’s fully facing me. “If you ever feel like this again, I want you to call me right away. Even if that voice inside your head is telling you it’s nothing, call me anyway. You’re not alone, y/n. And I will do anything and everything it takes to make you see that.”

I squeeze his hand, and nod. “I promise, Derek.”

“Good. Now let's go get you your medication.”

I nod, letting go of his hand, and releasing the seat belt, and climbing out of the car.

The pharmacist greeted me with my name and a smile, handing me the white paper bag that held a refill that was long overdue.

Before leaving, my eyes caught something inside a soda cooler at the front.

Derek stops and follows my eye. “What is it, love bug?”

I point to a purple bottle. “When I was a kid, and I had a bad day at school, or life just got to be too much, my mom and I would go to the movies, and watch the most cringy, bad looking movie they were showing. We would sit in the back and eat our weight in popcorn while making fun of everything. And she would always get a large grape fanta for us to share.”

He smiles, and steps forward, opening the door, and grabbing a bottle. “I think this constitutes a grape fanta than.”

It’s getting easier to smile at him.

He buys it, and we head back out to the car.

We sit, and he waits until the pill is down my throat, followed by fizzy grape soda. It's tart and sweet at the same time, and I lick my lips of the stickiness.

The music is a little louder on the drive back.

When we enter the door, the first thing I notice is the smell. It smells like Italian, and the best Italian at that.

I walk into the kitchen and I see Rossi, towel over his shoulder and wooden spoon in his hand.

He smiles when he sees me. “Ah, principessa, come. Taste. I know pesto cavatappi is a favorite of yours.”

He ushers me forward, holding out the spoon with a bit of sauce on the end.

I lean forward, capturing the end with my tongue.

“Mmm.” I lick my lips, and chuckle a bit. “It’s really good.”

He smiles, setting the spoon down. “Good.” He wraps his arms around me, and pulls me into his embrace. He kisses the top of my head. “I love you, kiddo. Don’t you ever forget that.”

I smile into his chest. “I won’t.”

“Good. Now go get cleaned up. Dinner is almost ready.”

I nod, setting my soda down on the counter, and walking through my apartment.

It doesn’t even look like mine. It’s lighter and clean, and every shadow that played tricks on my mind are no longer there.

I look around at the apartment, taking note of how much was done in the time I was gone.

The broken mirror no longer hangs on the wall, mocking me. My couch is back to its original position against the wall, and my windows are closed, the curtains open, letting all the natural afternoon light in.

My laptop is set up and a playlist of feel good songs is playing softly through its speakers.

I can’t help myself.

I start to cry, and I clamp a hand over my mouth, looking around at the room.

How could I have not seen this?

“Oh no, you’re crying. What is it? Can I fix it? What can I do? Tell me what I can do?” Penelope rushes over, her hands running over my arm.

JJ, Emily, and Hotch enter at her exclamation. JJ is holding a fresh set of clothes for me.

“They’re good tears, Pen, they’re good.”

The feeling in my chest is warm.

They move around me, hands coming to gently grasp at me.

“I just forgot that I have a family. I don’t know how but I did.”

Aaron smiles at me.

“And man does it feel good to be reminded.”

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theotherhufflepuff · 3 years ago

Text

Driving Home For Christmas (pt 1)

Carry On Countdown day 21 - Holiday

~5.5K

All my stories for this year's Countdown take place in the same universe/timeline. You can find my other fics under the tag Casey writes.

Now, I'll be honest with you; I started this one well in advance but the Christmas period is always quite difficult for me and things have gotten on top of me a bit so I haven't been able to write as much as I'd have liked. This is also why I've had to abandon a couple of the prompts I had ideas for - but I might come back to them later!

As it is this is getting way too long anyway, so I'm going to post it in two parts (part 2 as soon as I can manage it!)

This takes place immediately after my day 6 (reunion/reconnect) fic, 'Til I Belong To You. You don't need to have read that one for this to make sense, but it does spoil the entire plot of the previous one so it's probably best to read them in order!

Title is the Chris Rea song.

I don't think this one needs any content warnings.

Enjoy!

Baz

I can hear Simon in the shower. It’s Christmas Eve and he has to work a half day. My office is closed and I took yesterday off because I only got back from America on Saturday, so I’m enjoying a rare lie in. Well I was, until Simon dropped something that hit the bottom of the bathtub with a loud bang.

He opens the bathroom door and a waft of his scent reaches me. I breathe it in as deep as I can manage. He comes around to my side of the bed and kisses my cheek. “I’ve got to go,” he says, quietly.

“Mmm,” I groan.

Simon laughs. “Are you going to stay in bed all day?”

“Maybe,” I mumble, pulling the duvet up over my head.

Simon pokes me in the ribs through the duvet. “Don’t make me pull this off you,” he threatens, lifting the bottom edge and exposing my feet. I pull them up further so they’re covered again.

“Nooo,” I moan. I fell asleep naked and it is so cold outside of the bed. I don’t know where my clothes are.

Simon laughs again and kisses the top of my head. “I’ll be back at lunch time. Love you.” I hear him leave the room and a minute later the front door opens and closes.

Three days ago, Simon proposed to me. We haven’t told anyone yet; we’re just enjoying being together for a few days. It hasn’t been hard; we just haven’t seen anyone. Well, Simon had to go to work yesterday but since he’s not the one wearing the ring it hasn’t come up. We spent Saturday afternoon and most of Sunday in bed, sleeping – and not sleeping. Simon has been in such a good mood; I actually think he might be able to enjoy Christmas this year.

We’re going to Lady Ruth’s for dinner this evening before her party starts. We can’t stay for the party because we’re driving up to Oxford tonight to spend Christmas with my family. We’ve spent the last two Christmases with the Salisburys because I didn’t want to leave Simon and I didn’t want to take him to Oxford – that’s not going to help anyone’s depression. But Daphne called me a few weeks ago and practically begged me to spend Christmas there. They’ve just finished converting one of the small barns near the house so I have somewhere to sleep other than the sofa. Daphne said she wanted me to bring Simon, she said it would be ok. I don’t really know what that means; has she had an actual conversation with my father about it? That would be more conversation than I have ever had with my father about it. I spoke to Simon; I told him he didn’t have to come if he didn’t want to, but he said he wanted to. So we’re spending Christmas in Oxford. Where we will have to announce our engagement to my family.

I groan to myself, still curled into a ball under the duvet. I’m not looking forward to this at all. I try to focus on the positives; the children will be excited. Daphne cooks a lovely Christmas dinner. The barn is separate from the house so we can at least escape if we need to. I get to dress Simon for dinner.

I poke my head out over the duvet and try to locate some clothes; I am absolutely not getting out of this bed without something to put on. There’s a pair of pyjama bottoms within arm’s reach and I put them on under the duvet. They’re too big for me because they’re Simon’s but they’ll do. I find one of Simon’s hoodies, too and put that on. I need some tea.

Simon

Baz keeps checking and rechecking that we’ve packed everything we need for our stay in Oxford. It’s not like there’s a lot of it – we’re only staying one night. He’s been very quiet since I got home and trying to get a whole conversation out of him has been a non-starter, so I’m just leaving him to his thoughts. He’ll speak to me when he wants to and not before.

I watch him check the suitcase again. When he zips it up for about the fifth time I seize my chance to lift it off the bed. “I’m going to put this in the car, we should leave soon.” He nods silently.

I take the suitcase down to the car and put it in the boot with the bag of presents that is also going to Oxford. If I’m honest I’m nervous about spending the night with Baz’s family, too; I don’t like the way Baz shrinks into himself around them. Here, with me and our friends, he can be Baz - all Baz all the time. He can be a vampire and be gay and wear suits with big pink flowers on and hold my hand and no one whose opinion he cares about will raise an eyebrow. But with his family… he dresses in plain suits and holds himself stiffer. He wears his hair all slicked back like he used to at school and his vampirism is only acknowledged in euphemism; his queerness isn’t acknowledged at all. I don’t want to do this any more than he does, but he’s doing it for Daphne and I’m doing it for him.

I go back up to the flat and find Baz sitting on the bed sort of staring into space. I sit down next to him and put my arm round his shoulders, pulling him into me. “It won’t be as bad as you’re expecting,” I say. I don’t really believe it myself; it’s more a statement of hope than anything.

“I don’t know, Simon. My father…” he trails off. He’s looking down at his hands, fiddling with the ring I gave him.

“Baz,” I take his hand in mine. “We don’t have to tell them now. You could take the ring off while we’re there, I don’t mind.” I really don’t. If it were up to me I’d tell everyone. Strangers on the street. I’d shout it from the rooftops “I get to marry Baz Pitch, love of all my lives!” I think Baz would, too – he just doesn’t want to tell his father. I don’t blame him.

He meets my eyes then. His eyes are dark grey and sad; I think he feels like he’s letting me down. He couldn’t ever let me down; not after all the times I’ve let him down. He takes a breath. “Come on, let’s go.” He stands up and heads out of the bedroom. I open the top drawer of my bedside table and take out the ring box. I put it in my pocket, just in case.

***

I put the radio on in the car so we can listen to Christmas songs on the way to Lady Ruth’s. Baz rolls his eyes at me when I sing along but he doesn’t say anything or turn it off. I’m in the passenger seat holding a large potted poinsettia on my lap. Lady Ruth insisted on no presents but it felt rude not to bring something.

Baz takes the poinsettia from me when we arrive at Lady Ruth’s house and motions me through the door in front of him. Lady Ruth hugs me enthusiastically and takes my coat; the nice charcoal coloured one Baz bought me last year when I had my wings removed. “This is for you,” I say, gesturing to the plant that Baz is still holding.

“Oh Simon, now what did I say? You really shouldn’t have – oh!” She’s not looking at the plant, but at the pot; Baz’s hands are wrapped around it. “Basil,” Lady Ruth says, “are you wearing a ring?” She looks from me to Baz and back again, eyes wide.

I can feel myself blushing; I hadn’t meant to do it like this. “Uh, yeah, he is.” I feel a bit sheepish but I’m grinning, I can’t help it. I’m relieved to see Baz is smiling, too.

“Oh how wonderful!” She takes the plant from Baz and starts down the hallway. “Come into the kitchen where I can see it properly,” she stops at the bottom of the stairs to shout “Jamie! The boys are here, and they have news!” We follow her into the kitchen.

Lady Ruth deposits the poinsettia on the nearest worktop and immediately takes Baz’s hand, bringing it close to her face to inspect the ring. “How lovely,” she’s saying as Jamie comes through the door. “Congratulations darling.” Her voice sounds thick as she hugs Baz tightly. He hugs her back and I push away the thought that this is not the reaction we’re likely to get in Oxford.

“What’s happening?” Jamie asks, slightly bewildered but in an indulgent sort of way.

“We, uh, we’re engaged.” I tell him. It feels weird to say it “we’re engaged”. It’s surreal. Baz untangles himself from Lady Ruth and holds his hand up, showing Jamie the ring.

“Amazing; congrats man.” Jamie smiles wide at both of us and claps me on the shoulder.

“Thanks,” I grin back. Lady Ruth is wiping her eyes on a tea towel.

“Can I take your coat Baz?” Jamie asks; Lady Ruth forgot to take it in her excitement.

“Oh, Basil, I’m so sorry. I got completely carried away,” Lady Ruth fusses as Baz hands his coat to Jamie.

Lady Ruth has, as usual, made enough food to feed an army. There are cakes, finger sandwiches, pigs in blankets, gingerbread men, meringues, minces pies… it just goes on. The centrepiece is a large gingerbread house and a Christmas tree made from star shaped shortbread biscuits covered in green icing and stacked on top of each other.

“You’ve outdone yourself Ruth,” says Baz, immediately taking a mince pie from a platter when Lady Ruth motions for us to help ourselves. They get on so well you’d think she was his grandmother; watching them together makes me feel warm inside.

We eat and chat; Jamie asks me about work and Baz talks to Lady Ruth about magickal history - he’s a proper nerd about that sort of stuff. Eventually Jamie says “Mum, the guests will be here soon.”

“We’ll leave you to it then,” says Baz, standing up. “Thank you so much for having us, Ruth.” He’s so smooth it’s unbelievable.

“Before you go, boys, I have something for you, wait there.” She disappears for a minute and returns with two Christmas presents, wrapped in white paper with silver snowflakes on.

“Thank you, Ruth.” I say earnestly as she hands us one each.

“Open them now, boys. Let an old lady have her fun.”

Can’t argue with that. We both tear off the wrapping paper, Baz managing to look like less of an overgrown child than I feel. Under the paper is a knitted jumper. Mine is emerald green with a row of white snowflakes and Christmas trees across the chest. Baz’s matches mine but his is bright red.

“Did you make these?” I ask, incredulous.

“Well, there was some magic involved. They’re just silly things; you don’t have to wear them.” For the first time ever Lady Ruth looks sheepish.

“Impressive,” says Baz and I know he’s genuinely impressed; that’s complicated magic.

I step forward and hug Lady Ruth. “I love it. Thank you, Ruth.” I mean it, too; I do really like the jumper. I’m starting to feel a bit overwhelmed; my grandmother made me a Christmas jumper.

***

Baz is quiet again in the car; there’s no trace left of the relaxed Baz that just made conversation with my family for two hours. It makes me tense; I want to make this as easy as possible for him but I don’t know how. Baz always has the right words when I need him but he’s usually so unflappable and I don’t know what he needs right now; this is a whole new Baz to me.

Baz drives past the hunting lodge and parks the car next to a barn. I guess this must be the one we’re staying in. At least it’s not haunted like the house in Hampshire. He turns the engine off and leans his head back against the seat. I feel like I need to say something to reassure him, but I don’t know what. Usually I’m the one who needs reassuring, not him.

“Baz…” I start, not really sure where this is going. He turns his head to look at me. “Babe, look, we can handle this however you want, OK? Just say the word; I’ll follow your lead.” He’s frowning but for once I don’t think it’s at me.

He takes a deep breath. “Simon…” another breath, “I don’t want to do it right now, in front of the children. What if my father spots the ring right away, like Ruth did?” He looks me in the eyes and it’s painful to see how much this has got to him. I just want to make it stop; how do I make it stop? I want to tell him to drive us home. He can call Daphne and tell her we can’t come; he can say I’m ill or something. But I know he won’t do it; he promised Daphne he would spend Christmas with them.

I take the ring box out of my coat pocket and offer it to him. “Take the ring off, Baz, please. Don’t do this to yourself.” Baz frowns again and this time it is at me. “I wanted you to have the option, just in case.” I explain.

He sighs heavily and looks away from me, taking off the ring. I open the box and he pushes the ring into the gap in the little cushion. I put it in the glove box for safe keeping.

“Ready?” I ask him, squeezing his now bare hand.

He leans over and kisses me slowly. “Ready,” he says.

When we get to the front door Baz takes a moment to straighten his collar (it was already straight) and smooth his hair back (it was already smooth) and then he opens the door and steps through into the hallway.

“Hello? We’re here,” he calls as we take off our coats. A dog barks somewhere in the house and the sound of claws on wood floors is joined by several pairs of feet running towards us. The large and extremely fluffy dog beats the twins into the hallway, gets one whiff of Baz and immediately growls and backs up. Sophie and Petra (and I still don’t know which is which) push past the dog and run at Baz, arms wide. He lets them hug his legs for a moment and then says “Say hello to Simon, girls.”

“Hello Simon!” They both chant, wrapping themselves around my legs. I pat them awkwardly on the head. They’re wearing matching Christmas pyjamas with cartoon reindeer on.

Mordelia appears in the doorway and looks up from her phone. She flashes a genuine-seeming smile at Baz and then me. “Hi,” she says, “Mum’s just bathing Swithin. Dad’s gone to put the Nightmares in for the night; he’ll be back in a bit.” She goes back to her phone then and retreats back the way she came. Baz rolls his eyes at me; I’ve had to listen to him complain before about the kids all having phones and ipads. I think he’s just mad that he didn’t get a phone until he was fifteen.

The twins have let go of my legs and one grabs my hand while the other grabs Baz’s; pulling us into the living room. “Will you watch a Christmas film with us Simon?” my twin says.

“Please Baz,” says the other, “we want to watch Arthur Chirstmas!” my twin leads me over to the sofa, where she climbs onto my lap as soon as I sit down.

Mordelia is sitting in an armchair I suspect is usually Malcolm’s. She groans. “No, not again. Can’t we watch Love Actually?”

“That’s boring,” Baz’s twin says, wrinkling her nose. Baz picks her up as he sits down on the other end of the sofa, sitting her down on his lap, too.

“What about The Grinch?” I suggest. That was one of the films we used to watch every Christmas at the home when I was a kid.

“No,” says Baz. “We are going to watch the only Christmas film that matters: The Muppets Christmas Carol.” I had no idea Baz had a favourite Christmas film. Probably because I’ve ruined every Christmas we’ve been together. Baz would never say so, but I know I have. The first year I killed the Mage; the year after that I was having a complete breakdown; the year after that I actually wasn’t much better. Last year I had just had my wings off and I was starting to process everything that meant; I wasn’t as bad as the year before but I wasn’t exactly the personification of Christmas cheer, either. I really want him to have his own family Christmas this year; I am determined not to ruin it for him.

“Oh yes, I love the Muppets!” Daphne says from the doorway. She’s holding Baz’s little brother who is wearing a bright red onesie that says “SANTA I’VE BEEN VERY GOOD” on the front. “We used to watch it together every year, didn’t we Basil?”

“Hello Mum,” Baz says from his seat. He can’t get up to greet her because one of the twins (Sophie, Petra? How am I supposed to tell? How do they keep track of which one they are?) is still sitting on his lap. Daphne comes over and shifts Swithin onto her hip so she can bend down and kiss Baz on the cheek.

“Hello darling,” she says to him, and then she turns to me and kisses my cheek, too. “Hello Simon, merry Christmas.” I can feel the heat rising in my cheeks; this is a level of familiarity I’m not used to but Baz did say that Daphne wanted to make an effort with me, for his sake.

“Merry Christmas, Mrs Grimm,” I mumble awkwardly.

“Please, Simon, call me Daphne,” she insists breezily, going to sit in the other armchair. Swithin immediately wriggles off of her lap and comes over to the sofa where Baz and I are sat with the twins.

“Baz!” Swithin shouts. He’s just turned four but he doesn’t say very much and he’s got a bit of a lisp. Baz says his father’s worried about how it will affect his magickal ability. Apparently they’re sending him to a speech therapist. Poor kid, can't they just let him get there in his own time?

“Hello, Little Puff, do you want to sit up here?” Swithin holds his arms up and Baz leans around the child on his lap to pick Swithin up and settle him on the sofa in the small space between us. “Are you going to say hello to Simon?” Baz asks him.

Swithin looks up at me, “Simon!” he squeals. I laugh at the joy on his little face.

“Hello, Swithin. Shall we watch the Muppets?”

“Up-pets!” He squeals again. He only seems to squeal single words at a time, but he seems pretty happy about it.

We watch The Muppets Christmas Carol; Malcolm comes in and moves Mordelia out of his armchair just as Jacob and Robert Marley are warning Scrooge about the ghosts coming to haunt him. Swithin falls asleep under Baz's arm while Kermit and Tiny Tim are signing about there being one more sleep ‘til Christmas. The twins fall asleep before the Ghost of Christmas Future shows up – which seems like a good idea; he’s kind of scary.

When the film is over Daphne takes Swithin upstairs and Baz and I follow, each carrying one of the sleeping twins. Once the children are all settled in their beds we go back downstairs to the living room and make polite conversation. It’s awkward; more awkward than it usually is when I’m here. Malcolm seems to be employing a “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all” policy, which just means he doesn’t really talk to me. Baz has put that posh boy mask on; the one that looks and speaks a lot like Malcolm. I think he’s stressed about the whole situation so he’s properly retreated back into the old habits, as a sort of defence mechanism; or self-preservation.

Eventually, Daphne concludes that it’s late and the children will be up early, so we should probably go to bed. She comes over to the barn with us to get the presents we brought up so she can put them under the tree for the morning. I start unpacking the suitcase, looking for my toothbrush and pyjamas. Baz chats to Daphne; he seems more relaxed without Malcolm here.

Daphne opens the drawer of one of the bedside tables and pulls out a small and slightly battered cardboard box. “Basil, I found this in a box of old things in the loft when I was clearing out a few weeks ago. They belonged to your mother and I thought you might want them. I know how much you love music and well, so did Natasha.” She says quietly. I don’t know why but this feels like a particularly private moment so I busy myself with the suitcase on the other side of the room.

Baz

I didn’t know there was anything left of my Mother’s that I hadn’t already seen. Daphne is holding out this old shoebox which has no indication on it as to what it contains. I take it and remove the lid – it’s full of cassette tapes. “Thank you,” I say to Daphne and I mean it. I have some of my mother’s old records but she inherited them from her uncle, I think, so they are just that – old. That’s how I got into The Beatles. But she bought these herself; this was music she liked enough to go out and buy a copy of. This feels like the most tangible piece of her I’ve ever had. I put the box down on the bedside table and hug Daphne, who looks like she might cry (I might, too).

“I think you might find something particularly comforting about this collection, Basil.” She says seriously, looking me in the eyes as though she’s trying to tell me something telepathically. Then she turns to leave, stopping at the door to wish us both a good night.

Simon has been doing a poor job of pretending that he’s not in the room where he can hear everything we’ve said, but I’m grateful that he tried. I take the lid off of the shoebox again and start rifling through it, pulling tapes out at random. It looks like a who’s who of the 70s, 80s and early 90s charts – Boyzone, Abba, Take That, Kirsty McCall, T. Rex… There’s all sorts in here. But, as I start pulling more and more cassettes out of the box, I start to notice something.

Queen, Elton John, David Bowie, Melissa Etheridge, Culture Club, George Michael, Frankie Goes To Hollywood… Is this what Daphne meant?

“Baz,” Simon says quietly behind me. “You’ve gone very quiet, are you ok?” He’s standing behind me but not close enough to touch me or look over my shoulder at the tapes. I realise then that there are tears on my face. I take a deep breath and wipe them away, turning to face Simon, though I keep my head down. I nod but he knows it’s a lie. “Baz, what is it? What’s wrong?” He steps in closer and takes my chin in his hand, forcing me to look him in the face.

I sniff and give a small laugh that’s mostly breath and at least part sob. “The box is full of my mother’s old cassette tapes,” I explain, gesturing to the box. Simon steps around me to look at the tapes.

“It was nice of Daphne to give them to you. I wonder how they’ve been missing this long,” he says, picking up tapes at random and turning them over to read the track listings on the back of each case.

“Snow, look at this pile,” I indicate the stack of tapes I’d made on the table, beside the lamp. Simon picks up each one in turn; he hasn’t seen what I did, though. I didn’t really expect him to.

“I’ve heard of some of these guys,” he says, looking at David Bowie’s The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars and Queen’s The Works. Simon Snow generally has terrible taste in music but it’s hard to not hear about some of the biggest acts in the history of the music business.

“Of course you have,” I say, not bothering to muster the sneer his musical ignorance deserves. “David Bowie, Freddie Mercury, Elton John… they’re all musical geniuses. They redefined genres and pushed all sorts of boundaries. Freddie and Bowie are both gone now but they continue to inspire musicians to this day.” I can feel myself starting to monologue about this like the bad guys in those terrible superhero films Snow watches. I make an effort to stop myself going on.

Simon looks at me with a ridiculous, soft expression on his face like he’s indulging a child. “So your mum had a pretty good taste in music then?”

“It was OK,” I say, eyeing all the boy bands in the shoebox. “But that’s not the point. Do you know what all of these artists have in common?” I indicate the now scattered pile of tapes. Simon looks up at me, eyebrows furrowed, and shakes his head. I take another deep breath; I’m starting to cry again. “They’re all queer,” I say, my voice shaking.

“Oh,” Simon says quietly. “That’s good though, isn’t it? Your mum obviously didn’t hate queer people. Not enough to stop listening to their music, anyway. Not like all those idiots who tried to boycott Sainsbury’s after they had a gay couple in their advert.”

I wipe at my face again. “Yeah, I suppose so.”

“Baz-” Simon starts, putting a comforting hand on my upper arm. I don’t want to have this conversation right now; I need some time to make sense of it.

I cut him off, clearing my throat. “Look, Simon, I need to go and hunt, OK?”

“Uh, yeah. I’ll come with you,” he puts the tape he’s been holding back on the bedside table.

“Simon, no. Not tonight,” It comes out more pathetic sounding than I had intended and I think that’s why Simon relents so easily.

“OK,” he says, though he looks disappointed. I wonder if he’s thinking about the first time he kissed me, that night in the woods. In the fire.

“You go to bed, I won’t be long.” I try to make it clear that I’m not planning on starting any forest fires tonight. I leave before Snow can protest any more.

***

I take my time hunting, trying to sort through my thoughts. By the time I’m done (a badger and a fox) I still don’t know exactly how I feel. Daphne meant well, giving me those tapes, and I’m grateful for them. I can’t ever know for sure how my mother would have felt about me being gay, but Simon did have a point – she clearly didn’t hate gay people. She had to deliberately go out and buy those tapes. It��s one thing when it’s a celebrity you don’t know personally, though, and quite another when it’s your own family, your only son. I hear Fiona’s voice in my head, “we’ve got to make decisions for the living, you know?” I do. If Fiona gets her happy-ever-after with her scandalous marriage to a vampire… well, shouldn’t Simon and I get that, too?

When I get back to the barn, Simon is sitting on the bed looking at the tapes again. His hair is damp; he’s had a shower and changed into his pyjamas. He looks up at me. “OK?” he asks.

“Yeah, thanks. I thought you’d be asleep,” I say, taking my shoes off and going to sit next to him on the bed.

“I wanted to wait for you,” he mumbles, looking down at the box of cassettes on his lap. “You were upset when you left and-” he huffs out a breath and runs a hand through his damp curls, “I don’t know Baz. I don’t know what you need right now. You’re always there to solve things when I feel like this and now I don’t know what you need but I want to give it to you. I don’t want to be asleep on the job, you know?” He leans sideways so our shoulders touch and he rests his head against mine. Suddenly I feel lighter.

“Worried I was going to start another fire and you were going to have to rescue me with true love’s kiss again?” I say with a smirk, bumping my shoulder into his. He sits up and looks at me, exasperated by my sudden change in mood.

“You’re feeling better then,” he pokes me in the ribs; I knock my knee against his. “Oh, I found this in the drawer,” he reaches behind him and holds up an old portable cassette player; Daphne must have left it there. “I didn’t play any of the tapes though; I didn’t know if you’d want to.”

He hands me the tape player and I take it, looking at the buttons with their markings almost completely rubbed off from use. “Let’s play something,” I say. An odd sort of nervous energy runs through me. I know most of this music, but there’s another layer to it now; like my mother’s voice has been added to it. “You choose.”

Simon hands me the David Bowie album he was holding earlier, Ziggy Stardust; it hasn’t been rewound all the way. I put it in the tape player and press play. The opening notes of Starman play and I smile. Simon puts his arm around my waist and squeezes, I kiss his temple.

“Didn’t know what time it was, the lights were low oh oh...” Bowie sings.

Simon gets up off the bed and stands in front of me, holding out his hand, “c’mere Baz,” he says, grinning.

I raise an eyebrow at him but I take his hand and he pulls me upright. He keeps his hold on my left hand and puts his other arm around my waist, holding me there. I put my right hand on his shoulder, we’re not really moving – Snow can’t dance to save his life – but he sways us on the spot, still grinning at me.

“There’s a starman, waiting in the sky…”

I move my hand from his shoulder to the back of his head and kiss him, slowly at first and then deeply. I kiss him like he’s the first glass of water I’ve seen after weeks in the desert. “You’re such a beautiful idiot,” I tell him when I’m finished kissing him; he’s still grinning.

“He told us not to blow it…”

I step back from Snow and hold our still connected hands up over our heads. He takes the cue and spins clumsily underneath them, laughing. I catch his free hand in mine and dance with him the way you dance with children at parties. Snow’s skill is about the same. We’re both laughing.

“Let the children lose it, let the children use it, let all the children boogie…”

We dance like that for the rest of the song, me in my jeans and shirt, Simon in his pyjamas. Bare feet on the carpet. When the song ends Simon pulls me down onto the bed with him, we’re both still laughing. I reach over and stop the tape.

“Thank you Simon; this is just what I needed. I love you,” I tell him; sometimes I can’t stop myself from saying it. I’m not thinking about my mother, or Christmas dinner with my father, or anything else. I’m savouring what might be the best moment of my life; I don’t want to be anywhere else right now.

“I love you, too,” Simon says, leaning in to kiss me again. “And Baz, whatever you want to do tomorrow; whether you want to tell them or not, I’ll support you OK?”

“Thank you, Simon,” I whisper back. “Let’s go to bed love.”

#carry on countdown #coc 2021 #coc entry #casey writes #simon snow #carry on #baz pitch #awtwb #any way the wind blows #wayward son #carry on fanfic #daphne grimm

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reinerispretty · 4 years ago

Text

rotations. (zuko x f!reader) pt5

hi!! thank you so much for reading! again, i’m sorry for posting so much i just have a bunch of stuff pre-written and it’s fun to get it out there!

pt1

pt4

pt 6

“No one deserves to have their home destroyed, or have their family members ripped away from them! I saw what the Fire Nation did in my own city and countless others. The Fire Nation isn’t what I thought it was.” Her eyes welled with tears. “And neither are you.”

(Y/N) rested her chin on her hands as Appa flew over the land. It had been a few days since she had joined the Avatar and his friends, but already had she experienced way more than she ever would have in her life in the Fire Nation. Just the other day, they had saved an entire town from a volcano! She wasn’t a powerful enough bender to control lava, but she did help steer Appa so the sky bison could use his airbending to cool it down. She and the group decided that it was best if they saved her firebending for a rainy day. People in the towns that they were visiting weren’t too keen on having firebenders there.

From Appa, if she looked down, she could see dark spots across the green and yellow lands. Burned land. She had seen enough of it from her balcony of her mansion back in the Earth Kingdom. Her father had explained to her why their soldiers burned the peoples’ land. “Destroying what they need to survive keeps them in their place,” he had said. She remembered her stomach turning sour as soon as the words left his mouth.

“For the longest time, I believed that what the Fire Nation was doing was good and necessary. I can’t believe I was so stupid.”

“Yeah, people from the Fire Nation tend to be pretty dumb.” Sokka polished his boomerang. She turned around to glare at him.

“You don’t get it. They don’t teach us in our schools that we’re burning down villages for the fun of it. They tell us that we’re only trying to help. They brainwash the kids into thinking that all we’re--all they are trying to do is make a better life for everyone.”

“Just because you didn’t know what the Fire Nation was doing doesn’t excuse them for what they did,” Sokka shot back. She huffed, feeling her anger growing.

“I never said that!”

“Well you’re acting like it!”

“I literally saved you from Fire Nation soldiers!”

“Guys, can we please stop fighting?” Aang sighed. “It’s making Appa uncomfortable.”

“Oh, well, we wouldn’t want Appa to be uncomfortable, now would we?” Sokka scoffed. She chucked her pillow at him.

“You’re the rudest person I’ve ever met! The Fire Nation as a whole does not represent who I am!” Huffing, she turned away from Sokka and tilted her chin up to the sky.

It was nightfall before anyone talked again. Sokka was fast asleep toward the back of Appa’s saddle. Katara had crawled over to (Y/N), who sat sulking as far away from him as possible. “I’m sorry for what Sokka said earlier,” She said, her blue eyes kind and soft. “We know the Fire Nation doesn’t define who you are as a person. It’s just really hard for Sokka and I to get comfortable with you being around. You see, Fire Nation soldiers raided our villages and killed our mother.”

(Y/N) felt her anger slip away and be replaced with guilt. If she had known that, she wouldn’t have let herself become so quick to anger. Sokka was dealing with emotions that she couldn’t possibly understand.

“I’m sorry for getting angry,” she said quietly. “I had no idea the Fire Nation had done that to you, truly. And if I could apologize on behalf of the entire nation, I would.” She sighed, pulling her legs close to her chest. “I’ve been around a lot of people who have done some very bad things, sometimes to the people I care about. I really cannot express how sorry I am, Katara.”

The girl smiled, her blue eyes watery from holding back tears. “It’s okay. We’ll bring the Fire Nation to justice one day.” (Y/N) nodded in agreement. “Would you mind telling me how the Fire Nation has hurt you too? I think it might help me understand you a bit better.”

She inhaled a deep breath. “Well, when I still lived on the Fire Nation mainland, there was a boy I really...liked. He was only fourteen, still just a kid, but he spoke up when he wasn’t supposed to. He was challenged to an Agni Kai, which is a traditional firebending duel. He went up against a person who was ten times stronger than him.” (Y/N) swallowed the sob in her throat that always formed when she thought of that day. “The whole point of the duel is that you win when you burn another opponent. He was burned very badly that day and was banished from the Fire Nation. I haven’t heard from him since.”

“I’m really sorry,” Katara said, and (Y/N) shook her head.

“Goodness, no, don’t even apologize. It’s nothing compared to what happened to you and Sokka. How about we get some sleep? I can’t imagine what tomorrow is gonna be like.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next day had proved to be very troublesome for (Y/N). Their group had divided, with Sokka and Katara choosing to follow Bato to their father since Aang had hidden his coordinates from them. She understood where the young boy had been coming from: when she had first joined the group, she had definitely felt like an outsider, but things had slowly gotten better. It was unfortunate that Sokka and Katara had left them, but (Y/N) knew it was now her duty to get him to the Northern Water Tribe so he could continue his waterbending training.

This plan went south as soon as the bounty hunter arrived. The beast she rode kicked up so much dust that it became hard for (Y/N) to see. She had lost sight of Aang and she knew he was in trouble, but the last thing she wanted was to blindly shoot fire and risk hurting someone. So instead, she stumbled through the dust until she could see properly.

“Look out!” Was all she heard Sokka shout before he knocked her to the ground. She groaned as she fell, opening her eyes to see Sokka’s blue ones staring down at her.

“What’d you do that for?” She grumbled, shoving him off of her.

“I saved you from a fire blast! A thank you would’ve been nice!”

“I’m a firebender! I can handle a fire blast, you can’t!” She jumped to her feet, ready to defend her friends from the source of the blasts.

What she expected to see through the dust was a bounty hunter or a Fire Nation soldier. Who she had not expected to see, however, was Prince Zuko. She felt as if the wind had been knocked out of her body. Seeing her old friend brought a flood of feelings back to her, but she tried her best to suppress them. She wanted to run into his arms and squeeze him into a hug. But then she pieced it all together. It was Zuko who had been hunting Aang. He was the one who raided Katara and Sokka’s village. A lot had changed since the two of them had last seen each other, that was obvious.

It took Zuko a few seconds to recognize her. She was still in her Earth Kingdom clothes, as the disguise helped her travel between cities without being recognized. But he would recognize her (color) eyes anywhere. He stopped in his tracks; his arms lifted for another attack.

“(Y/N)?” He asked. He glanced between her and the Avatar.

In her fifteen years of life, not once had she firebended against Zuko. But she had a duty to her new friends and to the rest of the world. She ran at him, flipped forward, and kicked fire into his face. Zuko’s arms cut through her fire. He grunted angrily.

“What are you doing?” He demanded. She didn’t answer. She shot fire at him again, but he dodged.

“I won’t let you hurt him!”

“Traitor!” Zuko roared, firing blasts back at her. She avoided them easily. She had always been praised for being light on her feet. Taking gymnastics with Ty Lee had allowed her to dance in between the flames. Zuko had only gotten better over the years. This would be a tough battle to beat. She kicked him in the stomach, knocking him off of his balance for a few moments.

“You guys get out of here!” She shouted to her friends. “I’ll hold him off!”

“We’re not leaving without you!” Katara shouted back. Zuko shot fire that missed her face by inches.

“Go!” She shouted to them. She shot fire blasts from her firsts, driving Zuko away from her. She heard Appa fly away and in her heart, she hoped they would come back for her. She realized a moment too late that the bounty hunter’s beast had reached its tongue toward her. Paralyzed, she fell to the ground, knocking herself unconscious from the fall.

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She sat in the hold of the Fire Nation ship with her hands cuffed behind her back, preventing her from bending her way out. She had woken up in that dark room, with the only light being from the torches on the outside of the cell. It amused her a bit that she had been captured by the nation she once called home, but really, she had spent most of her time wondering when her friends would come for her. It would be incredibly dangerous for them to infiltrate a Fire Nation ship, especially Aang. He was the prize that Zuko wanted, after all.

Speaking of Zuko, he had been sitting in front of the bars of her cell since she had woken up. They both had been silent. She wanted to speak to him, but she wasn’t sure what to say. It was obvious the Agni Kai had changed him for the worse. He had been absolutely ruthless when they were fighting in the village. It had taken everything in her to fight him off, but it obviously hadn’t been enough.

The heavy metal door swung open and she looked up to see Iroh, Zuko’s uncle. She had always liked Iroh. He told her funny stories whenever he visited the royal palace. He had played Pai Sho with her on more than a few occasions. He was a kind man, who didn’t really fit in with his family at all. She sat up immediately, a bright smile on her face.

“Iroh!” She said cheerfully. “It’s wonderful to see you.”

“Zuko,” Iroh scolded. “What is our dear friend doing in a cell?” Zuko glared at her.

“She’s with the Avatar now. She’s a traitor.”

“Traitor is a harsh word, in my opinion,” She replied. “I think I like the word rebel more.”

“Don’t get cheeky with me!” Zuko snapped.

“Is this true, (Y/N)?” Iroh asked. She looked away from him and refused to answer.

“Where did the Avatar go?” Zuko demanded. She scoffed.

“As if I’d tell you.”

“As your prince, I demand you to answer me!”

“So, am I a traitor, or are you still my prince? My head is killing me, Zuko, I can’t really keep up right now.” Humor was how she was choosing to deal with the pain of seeing the disappointment in Zuko’s eyes. She knew she was doing it for the right reasons, but she had let him down.

“You’re just as insufferable as you were when I left.” She felt the anger inside of her boiling.

“I’m insufferable? Says the boy who is still serving a country that banished him.”

“That’s why I need the Avatar, (Y/N)! So I can finally go home and restore my honor!”

“We both know it’s not going to be good enough for him, Zuko.”

He turned toward his uncle. “Leave us.” Silently, Iroh left, but not before flashing her a sad smile. “I can’t believe I thought that I would ask for your hand in marriage once I returned home.”

She scoffed. “Were you planning on filling me in of that plan in one of the letters you wrote to me?”

“Letters? I never--”

“Exactly. Even if I had stayed with the Fire Nation, I wouldn’t have agreed to your proposal. You might’ve been banished, Zuko, but it’s not hard to send a messenger hawk.”

“Is that why you became a traitor? Because I didn’t write to you?”

“Zuko, I promise that not everything is about you. Have you seen what the Fire Nation is doing to people? To innocent people?”

“It’s what they deserve!”

Zuko stormed out after she said that. (Y/N) lay back down on the ground and cried quietly as she mourned over the friend she once knew. The old Zuko was long gone.

---

Tag List!

@mdgrdians , @soft4kei , @bubblebars , @pleasantfankingdom , @vintageroses1014516 , @celamoon , @fangirlanotherjust , @gliderbudgie

Thanks so much for reading!! read part 6!!

#atla #avatar #zuko x reader #sokka x reader #aang x reader #katara #toph #zuko #sokka #aang #azula #iroh #writing #fanfiction

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nct-oli · 4 years ago

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I also miss atots! I wanna read your ramblings so may I ask what are some of your head canon for phutian whether it’s during the series or post-series.

HI!! You’re so sweet. I am so sorry that I haven’t responded to this sooner! Life got really hectic, and it honestly kind of stole my creativity, to the point where I read this back when you sent it, but I could not think of a single headcanon at all.

But I’m here and I’m going to finally talk about some because I rewatched ATOTS with a friend and it sparked some headcanons in the process!!

1) This is probably my biggest headcanon. Phupha and Tian wrote emails to each other during their two years apart. I’ve seen some people say letters, and of course letters are super cute and classically romantic. Plus they are fitting given that’s how Tian was communicating with Phupha when he returned to Bangkok. But the reasons I like emails for them are:

Getting letters domestically to a rural village is one thing, but getting them internationally without some of them getting lost feels a bit less likely. And I think Tian and Phupha would know that. So emails are a more consistent and reliable form of communication.

Obviously Phupha can’t access the internet from the village, but you know who does have internet? Dr. Nam. I very much love the idea of Phupha strolling into the clinic every so often trying to be all cool and not at all giddy to check for a new email from Tian, and Dr. Nam never, ever letting him use the computer without a lot of proud best friend teasing. Remember when Phupha went to Dr. Nam to ask what a scar on the chest would mean? Yes, just like that, except regularly. (And when Phupha doesn’t go to Dr. Nam’s clinic, he could go to town to check his email too.)

This part doesn’t really fit the canon storyline at all given Phupha was still gazing at the only photo he had taken of Tian two whole years after taking it and also Phupha never told the children where Tian was. BUT think of the photos they could send each other. Tian sending photos of himself in various places in the US, his hand with Phupha’s ring always visible so Phupha can be there with him for every adventure. Phupha sending photos of the kids as they grow, the tea sachet business (or whatever the villagers end up doing with Mr. Sakda gone), the very rare selfie by a rather self-conscious chief... sending physical letters limits the number of printed photos they could send each other. Plus printing photos may be a bit easier for Tian, given he can just print them at a nearby Walgreens or something, or even have them ordered online. But that would be tougher for Phupha, needing to leave the village and find somewhere. So emailing photos back and forth would be easier.

Imagine Tian printing every email sent back and forth and collecting them. Imagine him in the library with the biggest smile on his face, printing out emails to and from his mountain boyfriend back in Thailand and his university friends watching him with the most confused but intrigued eyes. I love it. I love that idea.

I remember there being discussion post-finale about whether Tian and Phupha communicated in that time at all. The discussion revolves especially around how at ease they seemed in their Pha Pun Dao cliff reunion and they didn’t quite act as though they had been fully apart for two whole years. And I fullheartedly believe they had contact, even if very infrequent. I think they found a way. And while I do think letters are incredibly romantic and fitting, I just have this fondness to emails. Maybe it’s a result of watching We Best Love recently. I’m not sure.

2) Tian chose to go to the US ultimately on his own. Now, we all know his mother is the one who picked the university for him and “sent him away.” But I do like the idea that, after coming to terms with the fact that maybe running away to Pha Pun Dao immediately wasn’t the best plan, especially if Phupha wanted to forget him, he grew to like the idea of going abroad. It would be his chance to have probably as much freedom as he could get. He wanted to go to the US before he died (episode 3 conversation with Tul). He could take time to himself, without the influence of anyone else, and figure out just what he wanted for his life. And when Phupha showed up at the airport and they got their true feelings out in the open, Tian didn’t feel like his family was pushing him away from the man he loved and the life he wanted; he felt that he had agency in choosing the US and asking Phupha to wait for him, to give him the chance to figure out this new chapter first. I find comfort believing Tian didn’t board that plane feeling resentful but instead feeling hopeful. And when he returned, he wasn’t filled with regrets. He was filled with excitement that he was returning home to Pha Pun Dao and Phupha right on time. (Plus Phupha had more confidence when Tian returned to him that he truly wanted to be there in the village with him, because despite literally traveling the world and seeing so many options available to him for places to build his future, Tian still chose Pha Pun Dao.)

3) The teacher’s house remains Tian’s home too. Hear me out: I don’t mean full time. I’m obviously a massive softie for domestic PhuTian, so I want him to still stay with Phupha. And Phupha probably can’t leave the base permanently, as he’s the chief and needs to be there regularly for his rangers, so the two of them can’t move into the teacher’s house fully either. But Phupha’s room is quite small. I love the idea that Tian still escapes sometimes out to the teacher’s house where it’s quiet and he can still have his own space. A space to lesson plan, to take the students when they need a new environment, to feel connected to his three original months in the village when he fell in love with the people and his person (Phupha). That house was his home, and while Phupha’s place is now also his home, I like the idea that Tian still keeps that house for himself too. At least so long as it isn’t needed by anyone else. (Also, if Phupha and Tian need space, well, there’s no Yod out there to start knocking.)

4) This semi-connects to the last one. When Tian and Phupha finally get married, they have a ceremony in the village and Tian convinces Tul to stay a night in Pha Pun Dao. His parents come to the wedding too, but they stay in a hotel in the city, where Tul stays some nights except for the night Tian gets him to stay with him. Tian and Tul stay in the teacher’s house, and Tian tells him all about his many nights sleeping there. Tul is, well, not convinced of its appeal at first, but watching Tian share his stories with the brightest smile, he decides he can warm up to it a little bit. And after seeing Tian with Phupha, with the kids, and with the rest of the village, and finally understanding how perfectly Tian fits in Pha Pun Dao, it starts to make sense to him why some of the luxuries don’t matter to Tian anymore... will Tul himself ever move to a rural village like that? Absolutely not. He’s not convinced that much. But the joy that village life brings his best friend and the glow he exhibits is enough to leave Tul content for one night on a hard mattress inside a mosquito net in the middle of seemingly nowhere. (No but really, imagine the chaos of Tul trying to live in Pha Pun Dao for a night. I want to watch that so much.)

5) Okay, I hope the couple that got married have a child and that child goes to school under Tian’s teaching. Or someone else in the village has a child. Imagine Tian getting a new student and having to navigate a classroom with early teenagers and a tiny kid. (Headcanon within a headcanon: Tian did a LOT of research during his two years abroad specifically on multi-aged classrooms because he knew he wanted to return to Pha Pun Dao one day and would need the skills.)

6) Longtae and Tian most definitely go on that trip across the border that Longtae wanted (just a couple years late). And they have the best time. Longtae tells Tian about any new stories from university. Tian shares stories about his students and tries not to talk about Phupha too much but occasionally can’t help it, to which Longtae smiles brightly like the cute bestie he is. And the two of them get the CUTEST photos that Longtae prints for Tian immediately when he gets back to the city.

All of these headcanons are for those two years away or after he returns. I’m trying to think of some headcanons for the show prior to ep 10 part 4/4...

6) OH this doesn’t necessarily have to be before ep 10 part 4/4 in the timeline, but Phupha and the rangers apologize to Tian and the villagers for not telling them about Torfun’s death sooner and that burden being left for Tian to carry instead. I just want that settled.

7) HERE’S ONE FOR WITHIN THE SERIES TIMELINE. At the wedding in episode 4, Phupha didn’t deny it when Dr. Nam called Tian Phupha’s guy. So yes, of course Dr. Nam started calling Tian that all of the time, to which Phupha did eventually argue against but he secretly liked hearing it. His guy.

8) I’m back to going outside of the timeline again... all of my headcanons are for after the series it seems. Oops. But Tian most definitely brought the kite to Pha Pun Dao with him, and it hangs very proudly on the wall in their room. Tian tells Phupha about how he had it flying back at his family house in Bangkok, how seeing it blow in the wind brought him comfort when he felt homesick for the village and for Phupha. That knowledge had Phupha smiling for the rest of the week.

I’m running out of ideas. I kind of wanted to hit ten, but I just don’t have ten headcanons off the top of my head. BUT if I think of anymore, I’m sure I’ll post about them somewhere. Maybe I’ll even write a ficlet about some of these... I used to write those here and there, way back when... we’ll see.

Thank you again for your message, anon! You are a wonderful human. I’m sorry for taking so long to respond, but I didn’t forget about your message or ignore it. I just couldn’t get my brain to give me anything to respond with! I hope my rambling was sufficient for you. <3

(Also man, I miss writing about ATOTS so ridiculously much. This felt so familiar and also kind of sad. Phupha, Tian, villagers... come back to us. I miss you.)

#phutian #phupha x tian #a tale of thousand stars #atots #1000 stars #anon #I miss ATOTS so much every day #I just rewatch episodes and EarthMix interviews trying to pretend the show didn’t actually end

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cdt12345 · 4 years ago

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We've been friends many years but I've never thought to ask; Top 10 gay OTPs?

1.) Ian & Mickey (Gallavich) - Shameless us

What can I say about these two that we haven’t already said about them?! They are my absolute all-time favorite couple ever! Gay or straight. They perfectly complement each other, they love each other on a level I feel like I’ve never seen before (and I have watched a lot of tv/movies), they’re like a comedy duo, they support each other, understand each other better than anyone else ever will, they fell in love as kids, they bring out the best in each other, and they’re each other's best friend. I’m a sucker for opposites attract, who are also best friends. Gallavich really fits that bill. I wish they didn’t have to struggle so much to get their happiness, but I’m happy they finally got it. When they got married, it felt like the biggest victory ever! We went through those years of struggle with them, rooted for them, mourned for them when John Wells let Noel go after season 5. So much has tried to keep these two apart, even real-life circumstances tried to keep them apart. The chemistry between these two characters and between Cameron and Noel was so powerful, they were brought back to the show. That kind of thing doesn’t happen very often. When an actor leaves a show, they don’t usually come back as a series regular, let alone two actors who have already left the show. It felt like a miracle! I will never forget getting the news that Noel was coming back from you @luckyshazmrsmonaghansblog I was crying with happiness bc we wanted this for so long and I never believed we would get to see both Cameron and Noel back on the show. Or that they would get their happy ending outside of a jail cell. Especially after Cameron left the show in season 9. With their return we got a wedding, an entire season of them as a married couple, we got to see them dance with each other twice, we got them singing together, we got to see them start a lucrative business together, we got to see them free and happier than we’ve ever seen them before, and we got to see Terry get what he deserved after putting them through hell. We are only halfway through season 11, but I already feel so fulfilled with this extra time with gallavich that we were never supposed to have. JW tried to take that away from us. I will never understand why, but he failed. I am not surprised this is the one I wrote the most about. I can go on and on about gallavich!

2.) David and Patrick - Schitt’s Creek

This was everything I ever wanted to see onscreen, where there was zero homophobia. The pansexual character didn’t need to have a big coming out or tell everyone in the town of his sexual orientation, except his best friend. The gay character had a coming out with parents who loved and accepted him for who he is and was only upset that he felt he couldn’t tell them sooner. I dreamt of a day where I could see this kind of representation onscreen. The casual treatment of their sexuality was so refreshing and something I’ve been waiting for. There is no darkness or huge struggle they had to overcome to be together or a sad ending for them. They were allowed to be together without the major conflicts most LGBTQ characters have to go through. Once David made the first move Patrick was comfortable allowing himself to fall for David and start a relationship with him. He was so sure of his feelings for David after that first kiss, he never looked back and I loved that. They had such an adorable love story. Truly one I have been waiting to see for so long between two LGBTQ characters. They made me smile every time they were on screen. They are another of my OTPs that are exact opposites who complement each other perfectly. Patrick was welcomed into David’s family and blended in with them so well, even when he and David had very different upbringings. Patrick serenading David with Tina Turner and then Mariah Carey at their wedding is one of the most romantic things I have ever seen!

3.) Holt and Kevin - Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Captain Holt and Kevin are strange men on their own but together they are the perfect pair. They get each other in a way no one else does. The best part is their adorable fur baby, Cheddar! They seriously make the cutest family! I was so nervous when they went through a rough patch for a while because I didn’t want them to split up. Thankfully, they made it through and are still going strong!

4.) Will and Vince - Will & Grace

On the show's first run, Will and Vince were in a serious relationship and Vince was Will’s longest relationship on the show. They broke up a few times but were together by the series finale. The two reunite during the funeral of Will's father. There was a time jump on the series finale. Though I didn’t love everything about the last episode, I did love the fact that Will and Vince had been together for 20 years and raised a son together, who was conceived through in vitro fertilization with a surrogate. After the time jump, nearly twenty years later, their son goes to college and meets Grace's daughter, whom he would eventually marry. Though I wasn’t happy with the fact that Will and Grace didn’t stay close over the years, it did allow for their kids to one day meet, fall in love, and get married. I did like that outcome out of the finale. My family and I used to watch the original show, but we refused to accept or watch the 2017 revival because they completely changed everything from the original series finale. The second I found out they were changing everything; I knew I couldn’t watch it. They even wiped the existence of their kids from the first series finale. The revival was an attempt to cash in on the reboot craze and I wasn’t happy about that already, but even more so when they were going to break up one of my OTPs for easy money. Bobby Cannavale, who played Vince, has become even more famous since starring in Will & Grace. So, I already figured he wouldn’t be back for the show as a regular, but I know he did guest star. I won’t accept the revival and to me, Will and Vince stayed together, and their son married Grace’s daughter. THE END!

5.) Albert and Armand - The Birdcage

Miss Albert and Armand were the earliest gay couple I remember ever watching onscreen when I was eight years old. I have watched this movie more than I can count over the years. It is a family favorite that we quote often. Their son is planning to marry a girl whose father is in politics and is very conservative. They have to hide the fact that he has two gay fathers for one night, but everything goes awry, and comedy ensues. Nathan Lane and Robin Williams give a wonderful performance without resorting to using the stereotypes that are often used on gay characters, especially back then. It’s a classic!

6.) Stefon and Seth - Saturday Night Live

Okay, hear me out on this one! They’re not the most conventional OTPs on my list, but I really do love them so much! Stefon started doing a correspondent segment on Weekend Update on SNL. The first time Stefon came on, he flirted with Seth Meyers. The second he did I was like ooh they would make a cute couple! Stefon the wild party guy and Seth the serious news anchor. It was a match made in heaven for me. Before Seth Meyers left SNL to do Late Night with Seth Meyers, Bill Hader came back to play Stefon for Seth’s last episode. I didn’t expect what happened next to happen at all! They gave Seth and Stefon the ending that I haven’t even gotten from some actual scripted shows. I never expected Stefon and Seth to have this big ending, but I could not be happier that they did. I’m posting the link to the six-minute skit/ending and I hope it works. It’s worth watching. Though the video says it’s Stefon’s farewell it was really Seth’s farewell episode.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rj-wYWMdWNk

7.) Mr. Simmons and Peter - Hey Arnold!

Anyone who grew up watching this show already knew that Mr. Simmons, Arnold’s teacher, was probably gay. It was hinted at in the Thanksgiving episode. Arnold and Helga visit Mr. Simmons on Thanksgiving at his house and his family and “friend” Peter are there. Mr. Simmons mother says she didn’t know Peter was coming to dinner and Peter responds with the infamous line “There’s a lot of things you don’t know.” When Mr. Simmons mom tries to get him to take a woman friend to the ballet, he says he loves the ballet and Peter gives him a disapproving look and Mr. Simmons immediately declines. Those were enough hints for us fans to decide Peter was his boyfriend. Years later, the show's creator Craig Bartlett finally confirmed Mr. Simmons is gay and had them together in the 2017 Hey Arnold: The Jungle Movie. It was so exciting to finally get the confirmation years later, even though I was already certain of it for many years. I was happy that the cartoon no longer had to settle with vague hints about it.

8.) Callie and Arizona - Grey’s Anatomy

I was very happy to see a lesbian couple on prime time tv and I really liked both characters. I was excited to root for them but sadly as most couples on this show, their relationship took a turn, and I wasn’t thrilled about it. I was disappointed that it came to an end. By then I was already getting tired of watching the show. It was starting to feel like a chore to watch it every week. I tried to stick it out because I don’t like to give up on shows in the middle of it, but I just couldn’t do it anymore. I’m glad I did though because the shocking events with Derek Shepard, is something I’m glad I wasn’t around for. Anyway, I heard things between Callie and Arizona got even worse, so I was even happier I left when I did.

9.) Sherwin and Jonathan - In a Heartbeat

This was one of the cutest things I have ever seen! I wish this got the full-length movie treatment instead of a short film. But it was still a step in the right direction for the LGBTQ community. Gay characters in cartoons always bring me such joy and that was the focus of this short. A boy with a crush on another boy with a cute ending. What is not to love?!

10.) Mitch and Cam - Modern Family

Another show I had to give up on in the middle of the series. The show began to be less funny and more annoying to me. Another reason, that really has nothing to do with the show itself, that used to annoy me was that this show repeatedly beat out Parks and Recreation during award season. Parks and Recreation is a superior show when compared to Modern Family. This show won almost every year for years and it got really annoying especially when the quality of the show started slipping and they kept winning. After a few years, they finally stopped winning all the time. But before all that, I was a fan of Cam and Mitch. They were a great couple who I loved watching on the show. They were the best part of the show most of the time. But sadly, my annoyance of the show no longer being as funny as it used to be, was enough for me to stop watching.

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chaotic-wanda · 4 years ago

Text

Hope Of It All

Pairing: Bucky x reader

Prompt: “I need to know that it’s possible that two people can stay happy together forever.”

Word Count: 3.5k

Warnings: mentions of cheating, lots of angst, but I swear it ends fluffy (y’all should be proud of me for that)

A/N: Surprise! Here’s the Bucky fic I promised forever ago. Sorry for the delay, school and work is kicking my ass currently. So this is for @hopesbarnes 1k challenge (it’s super late, i’m sorry). Congratulations on the milestone!! If you’re not following her yet, you should be. This has not been proofread.

Y/N knew she was acting paranoid. She watched with close eyes as Bucky made the other agent laugh, the younger girl twirling her hair between her fingers and batting her eyes at him. He’s always been friendly with everyone he meets. So why was it bothering her so much now? And why did he have to make the girl laugh so much? Y/N tore herself away from the interaction playing out in front of her, opting to take a stroll outside instead.

There had been an obvious shift in her attitude since she got back from visiting her sister. She thought she had been doing a good job hiding it, but, anyone who knew her could tell something was off, even Vision. Instead of the happy and bubbly personality they were used to, she had grown tremendously quiet, withdrawing more into herself with each passing day. Bucky had noticed immediately, but whenever he would ask her about it, she would simply shrug and say she was fine.

As she walked, Y/N looked at the leaves that were already beginning to change color. Fall had always been her favorite holiday. The promise of change and being able to start fresh always made her feel rejuvenated. But as she kept walking, she pulled her cardigan tighter around herself, feeling bitter about the changes this time around.

She’d been so excited to see her sister and her family. Her brother-in-law was the closest thing she had to a brother and she loved her nephews as if they were her own children.

Bucky had laughed at how excited she was while she packed.

“You talk to your sister every day and yet, you’re acting as if you haven’t seen her in years.”

He watched her from the bed as she ran back and forth in their shared room, looking for a particular sweater to pack. She rolled her eyes at his statement but still couldn’t seem to wipe off the neverending grin she seemed to have for him. “This is different! We get to have wine nights in person and I can dance around with my nephews while having our sing-a-longs.”

Grabbing her as she passed, Bucky pulled her into his lap while wrapping his arms around her. “I would gladly do all of that with you and then you wouldn’t have to leave me for a week,” he whispered softly, barely brushing his nose with hers. Y/N smiled as she wrapped her arms around his neck and softly brushed her fingers through the back of his hair.

“Mmm as tempting as that sounds…” she started kissing up his jaw causing Bucky to shiver underneath her before leaning into his ear, “you’re not as cute as the 4 and 6 year old boys waiting for me.”

She grinned as she tried to pull away from him quickly but he was always faster than her. He threw her on the bed effortlessly as she giggled. Caging her in, he peppered her face with kisses as she kept laughing. He pulled back slightly with a soft smile as he watched her catch her breath.

“I’m trying very hard not to be jealous right now.”

Y/N grabbed him by the collar of his shirt, pulling his lips down to barely meet hers. “There’s no reason to be jealous baby, I’ll always come home to you at the end of the day.” That’s all he needed to hear as his lips softly crashed into hers…

Her excitement for the trip however had been ruined the moment she’d gotten to her sister's house. What she thought she’d be welcomed with were warm welcomes and hugs to go around for days. Instead, she found her sister alone, with tear stained cheeks and a look of heartache and exhaustion. Y/N quickly learned the kids were with their grandparents and her brother-in-law… well he had been staying at a hotel.

An affair. Y/N was still having a hard time grasping the truth. The harsh reality of her favorite couple coming down around her. They had practically raised her during her high school years and supported her with every endeavor she chose to follow after her parents divorce. They were the only reason she had believed in love to begin with after learning about her mother's cheating habits. It was the one healthy couple she’d ever had involved in her life, and it all turned out to be a lie.

She’d stayed with her sister for longer than she had planned, only leaving when her sister swore that her best friend was coming to stay. But even as she left, she couldn’t help but feel like everything she had believed in was a lie. It had turned out that once your sister revealed the affair that many of the people in her friends group had one as well. Out of six couples, four had an affair that affected their marriage. Her sister and brother-in-law did everything right and always seemed so in love but it still didn’t work out. So what was the point of love if someone was always going to get hurt anyway? She’d lost her trust in anyone it seemed.

Y/N had always been wary of being in a relationship, the trust issues of her pass always seeming to build walls and keep people out. It had taken Bucky years to knock every obstacle down, but to him it had been worth it. Now the walls seemed higher than usual and he wasn’t sure how to bring them back down. Later that day, they silently got ready for bed, Y/N’s back turned towards him as she changed. The emotional distance made him feel sick to his stomach.

He slowly walked towards her and reached for her hand. She visibly flinched and he quickly drew his own hand back as quickly as he’d reached out. He was trying to hide the hurt that was evident across his face but she couldn’t even bring her eyes to look at him.

“Doll… please tell me what’s going on. If I did something, I’m sorry but I can’t fix this if I don’t know why you’re so upset.”

She stayed silent, leaving the room in a state of uneasiness as they both internally fought with themselves. She desperately wanted to tell him everything. About what happened and how scared she was that they would fall into the same fate. That one day he wouldn’t want her anymore. That she wouldn’t be enough. Bucky trying and failing to think of how to make this better.

Slowly, he lifted her chin with his finger. Her eyes finally met with his and Bucky couldn’t help but feel his heart break as he saw the turmoil within them. Before she could push him away, he quickly pulled her into a heated kiss. She met him with just as much passion, teeth clashing and desperation mixed in. Suddenly, Y/N thought of everything that had recently happened. Between her sister, Bucky with the agent earlier, and all of her fear and insecurities that were consuming her, she came to her senses and yanked herself away, keeping him at arm's length.

Keeping her eyes on the ground to hide the tears in her eyes, she hoarsely mumbled, “I think I’m going to go sleep in my old room tonight.” She made a quick exit and slammed the door before Bucky could even get a word out. The tears freely and swiftly ran down her face now as she choked back the sobs. She wanted more than anything to believe that Bucky truly loved her. He’d never given her a reason to doubt that. But she couldn’t help but think he’d leave her in the long run. It was better to have her heartbroken now than later down the road.

Bucky stared at the door praying she’d come back any second now. He knew he could chase after her but it’s like his feet were stuck to the ground. He had hoped that maybe after the past couple of weeks she’d finally open up and instead, she had shut him out even more. Running both hands through his hair, he tried to calm his racing heart before letting out a frustrated yell. He dropped himself on the edge of the bed, cradling his head in his hands as he kept trying to figure out where it all went wrong.

It had been over a week since their last exchange. Y/N opted for staying in her old room and every time he’d walk into the same room, she’d get up to leave. It broke his heart, but he didn’t want to be even more of a bother to her by chasing her down. The two of them moped around for days, always staring at each other longingly when the other wasn’t looking. The rest of the team was either concerned or annoyed by the lack of communication between the two. Sometimes a mixture of both.

“Sam, you’ve got to talk to her. Figure out what’s going on,” Steve insisted.

“How am I going to make a difference?”

“Are you kidding? You’re like a brother to her!”

“Yeah well you’re Bucky’s best friend. Why don’t you talk to him?”

“Because Bucky doesn’t talk when he’s upset.”

“Well neither does Y/N!”

The two bickered back and forth until Natasha finally snapped, “Enough! Sam, you’ll talk to Y/N and Steve you’ll talk to Bucky. It shouldn’t be this difficult.” Both nodded in agreement, not wanting to risk making her any more annoyed than she already was.

That’s how Sam found himself at Y/N’s door, knocking lightly and waiting for a response. He heard rustling but still didn’t receive an answer so he knocked once more. When he still didn’t receive an answer, he threw open the door. He was met with a pouting Y/N.

“Go away, Sam.”

“Nope. You’re gonna get your infuriating ass out of bed and we’re gonna go for a walk.”

She pulled the covers over her head like it would tune him out. He watched her as he brought his hands to rest on his hips. “Really? You think I won’t drag you out of this bed?” When he didn’t receive a response he sighed before making his way to the bed and yanking the covers off.

“Sam!”

“Get up and let’s go.”

She begrudgingly agreed, knowing she wouldn’t win this battle since he was so determined.

They walked along the path just outside of the compound, words barely being spoken. Sam wasn’t sure what to say and she wasn’t sure where to start. They would mildly chat about random things until the tension grew too much for Sam’s liking. Once they reached the lake, he decided it was time to level with her.

“Alright baby girl, what’s going on? You’ve got me worried. Hell, you’ve got everyone worried.”

She shrugged, not daring to look at him but instead out at the water. “I don’t know what you mean.” Sam couldn’t stop the full belly laugh that came out of him.

“Y/N I hate to break it to you but the only person on this team who is good at hiding things is Natasha. You’re closer to the bottom of that scale.” The comment made her smile slightly before the tears overcame her as she remembered why they were really out here. So she told him everything. About how her brother-in-law cheated, how she started feeling hopeless about relationships and saw that agent flirting with Bucky right afterwards, and especially about how she started pushing Bucky away before he realized he didn’t want her anymore.

After explaining everything, she looked up at Sam with tears in her eyes, “I just… I need to know that it’s possible that two people can stay happy together forever.” She then dropped her head into her hands in an attempt to hide her tear stained face.

Sam sat with her in silence for a while and tried to rub her back in comfort. He was upset that she had kept so much to herself, knowing she had a tendency to let things fester until it became too much, but even more upset that he didn’t push like he knew he should have. Letting out a sigh, he turned towards her and grabbed her hands, “I can’t promise that it’ll last forever. It takes a lot of communication and a lot of work. But what I can promise you, Bucky loves you. He loves you so much he would go to the end of the earths for you. Shutting him out won’t solve anything and you’ll lose him before you realize it’s too late.”

Y/N took in a shaky breath as she nodded her head. “I don’t want to lose him, Sam. He means everything to me” she whispered.

“Then go get your man and tell him everything you just told me,” he stood up and pulled her up with him. She gave him the faintest of smiles and threw her arms around his neck.

“Thank you, Sam.” After releasing him from her grip, she rushed towards the house in an attempt to find Bucky.

She looked in several rooms and even asked Steve if he knew without any luck. She finally made her way to their shared bedroom and slowly opened the door. She sighed in defeat as she found it empty but still made her way in, looking around the room. It was strange how it felt foreign to her at the moment. Seeing her favorite sweater of Bucky’s laying on the chair, she grabbed it and slipped it over her shirt, taking in the smell of him. She’d miss that scent and they way he’d hold her close. Y/N slowly sank to the bed and curled up on his side, thinking he’d come in eventually and she’d be there waiting.

She waited as the seconds passed into minutes which turned into hours. Sighing to herself in defeat since Bucky still hadn’t shown up, she slowly pushed herself off the bed. She lost him and had no one to blame but herself. Herself and her stupid insecurities. Y/N wiped the tears off her face but they fell quicker than she could catch them. Once she finally collected herself enough to be seen, she briskly walked out the door and to her own room.

The second she made it in, she slammed the door and slid to the ground. Sobs racked through her at the realization of her mistake that she couldn’t hear the feet running towards her. She felt hands clutching her arms and a voice asking, “Y/N what’s wrong?” Finally clearing the tears, she saw that Bucky was eye level with her.

She reached out her hand to softly brush against his cheek, “Bucky? What are you doing here?”

He grabbed her hands to lift her up before slowly leading her to the bed. Once she was settled, he found her some tissues to help wipe away the tears before settling in next to her. “I wanted to talk to you and when I couldn’t find you anywhere, I figured waiting here until you came back was my best option.” Y/N let out a slight laugh as she used the tissues to dab the tears from her eyes. “What’s so funny?”

She slowly reached for his hand and as he worked to intertwine their fingers, she smiled up at him. “Would you believe it if I said I had been doing the exact same thing?” He slightly smiled back before turning back to their hands, rubbing his thumb along hers. It was always the slightest sign of his anxiety getting to him and it broke her heart knowing she was the cause of it. “Buck, I’m so sorry for the way I’ve been acting.”

“What have I been doing wrong?” the look in his eyes as he asked the questions felt like a knife running down her chest.

“Nothing! I swear, it was all me.” She attempted to pull him closer without actually ending up in his lap. Bucky looked down once more, and she could tell he didn’t believe her. Letting go of his hand, she gently placed both of hers on his cheeks in order to get him to look at her. “Please… you have to believe me when I say it’s nothing you did.”

“Then why did you push away from me? You know I’m always here for you. And you even flinched when I tried touching you not even a week ago.” Her cheeks flamed up at the accusations. She knew he was right and she truly felt shitty for it.

“I know I don’t have the right to ask... In fact you could walk out of this door and never speak to me again and it still wouldn’t be enough for the way I’ve treated you… but can you just hold me?” her eyes were pleading and she looked at him with such desperation. Bucky didn’t even give it another thought though as he laid back and brought her with him. With an arm wrapped around her, he pulled her in close so that she could snuggle up closer to him. She rested her head on his chest just under his chin then grabbed his free hand with her own, working to intwine their fingers. Bucky was calm and understanding, and she knew he deserved better than her.

A few seconds passed as she gathered her courage. “When I went to my sisters house, it felt like everything had gone to hell. She told me how her husband had cheated on her and she just looked so… broken.” Her voice quivered and Bucky pulled her in even tighter if it was possible. He knew that they had been a role model of romance for her growing up. “It just made me believe that love was hopeless. If they couldn’t make it, then who could? And then I got home and I saw that agent all over you. Despite the fact it was obvious you weren’t flirting back, it’s like my mind just shut down. All of my fears and insecurities cruelly took over me and I was worried that we were destined for the same fate. As if you were already growing tired of me.”

Bucky adamantly shook his head despite her not being able to see then pulled away just enough that he could look her in the eyes. “Doll, I don’t want anyone else. You know I easily get sick of other people, but I’m not sick of you. Ever. I’m actually pretty in love with you.” Her eyes closed to let the words sink in and she couldn’t control the few tears that found their way out. He pulled her up higher so that they could be face to face, gently stroking her cheek with his thumb. “Out of everyone I’ve ever known, you’re the only person I want to spend every day of my life with and that’s counting Steve.” She laughed at his statement and the grin on his face grew at hearing that sound.

Her eyes met with his own as she placed her hand over his. She took a mental picture, wanting to remember this particular moment in spite of the ugliness and hurt that had been caused because it also came with hope and love. “What are you thinking about, baby?” Bucky’s voice coaxed her out of her own thoughts.

“I’m pretty in love with you too. I’m sorry I’ve been acting like an idiot.”

He brushed his nose slightly again hers, hovering right about her lips. “Promise me you’ll always talk to me when doubt starts creeping in? I’ll be sure to knock it right back out,” he whispered against them. She nodded and not even a moment later her lips crashed onto his, letting go of everything that had held her back. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her on top of him as he kissed her back with just as much ferocity, tongues tracing each other as if they were trying to learn each other once more. They both pulled away once the burning in their lungs became too much. Letting out huffs of air, they still didn’t let go. Y/N began leaving soft kisses along his face before meeting at his lips and giving him a soft peck.

They spent the rest of the night curled up into each other, catching up on everything that had happened from the past few weeks while sharing a few kisses here and there, only ceasing their discussion as eyelids grew heavy and sleep overcame them. And for the first time in what felt like a long time, she finally slept through the night while holding onto the man she loved and who she knew loved her just as much. All the fears and insecurities that once drowned her now easily had slipped away and was replaced with the hope of all they would become.

Tagging: @winterprincess-sky @bugsbucky

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes angst #bucky barnes oneshot #bucky barnes fanfic #bucky barnes fanfiction #rogvewitch1k

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theseerasures · 4 years ago

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Wouldn't mind some meta WRT Harriet Bree or Marrow Amin.

i have a certain fascination with the actual place of the AceOps within the Atlesian military structure. we know that they’re considered “elite” military operatives and that Ironwood was the Simon Cowell to their One Direction. we know they’re Special Operatives who answer to other Special Operatives--Clover “led” them while he was alive in a way that feels...different from the way team leaders in the show usually lead, and Marrow calls Winter ma’am.* the only other Operative we’ve seen in the show is Cordovin, who (according to season 6 commentary) everyone in Atlas found annoying, but also got a very cushy position as colonial command while Harriet and Marrow spend their days elbow deep in Centinel slime, so like. what gives? i do wonder if the reason they were selected was just Semblance complementarity and i dunno, being extra down with fascism, or if they were also chosen because they lacked certain “desirable” attributes--species, birthplace, family, temperament, what have you--that would have fast-tracked them for command positions, like Clover and Winter clearly were. it’s possible that the AceOps Unit is more of a...model minority purgatory:** glamorous on the outside but full of dirty and dangerous work, and no actual upward mobility.

it’s certainly not required that this be true in canon, but i do think it fleshes out the characters, and adds some dimensions to how Atlas is fundamentally shitty on every level.

it would, for example, heighten the stakes of Harriet’s refusal to grieve--now it’s not just years of indoctrination telling her she’s not allowed, now there might be material consequences if she ever externalizes her grief as grief, instead of this like. strident and furious professionalism. it’s not just that Tortuga was replaceable; it’s that they are, at all times, essentially fungible. if she shows any weakness, she might be out the door. this dovetails perfectly with her hyper-competitiveness as seen and remarked upon in season 7: Harriet needs to get ahead, because it’s the only way she can feel secure in her own position, away from precarity and feeling. in a sense Harriet’s not dissimilar to those dipshits who are against student loans because they paid off theirs already, because it’s the same feedback loop. she’s trapped in a system that’s deeply unfair to her, and her first instinct is to win, and once she’s won it’s clear that the system actually is perfect and fair.

but there’s also clearly a part of her that DOES care about other people--within her own allowable boundaries and without. her conflict with Marrow would have come to a head already if she didn’t care for him in some bizarre, fucked up way. she could have ratted him out to Ironwood for the way he’s been holding back, or she could have just given up on him altogether and let him hang himself by his own insistence on doing the right thing, but instead she just...negs him at every turn and unfairly, cruelly, demands that he improve by falling in line, because in her mind she’s doing it for his own good.

or one of my favorite subtle moments so far: when they touch down at the tundra to meet (and arrest) JYR. Jaune immediately asks for their help, and Winter...balks, and then Harriet looks at her like this:

and THEN she jumps in to antagonize them. when she was beta-ing “no one brought us here but me,” Leah commented that my scene with Harriet and Winter at the hospital reminded her of Adora, Catra, and Lonnie in the Horde, and i haven’t been able to get that out of my head, because that’s exactly what this look encompasses. Harriet knows that you have to fight and claw your way through the system to survive, to be just a little less replaceable than the next person; she knows that EVERYONE is replaceable, and therefore she shouldn’t care. but at the same time: she’s gonna protect what’s hers, and for the time being Winter is her teammate. so she looks at Winter and thinks fine, you’re clearly not ready to put on your big girl boots for your sister’s friends yet. fine. i’ll be the bad guy this time. i’ll cover for you, cut you off at the pass, before you say something that compromises all of us.

loyalty is inextricable from complicity in Atlas. we know from Winter that having doubts is allowed--hell, it might even be encouraged, since it provides a nice alibi for one’s humanity--so long as you don’t actually deviate from the ~right path. and more often than not it’s your teammates and co-workers who keep you on that path, who surveil you and remind you--forcibly if necessary--of who is signing your paychecks, and who hasn’t replaced you yet. Harriet says she had RWBY pegged from the start, and honestly? i believe her. it’s not like anyone on that team is hard to read. she knew that they were cut from the same bleeding heart cloth, but as long as they didn’t do anything stupid Harriet was willing to work with them, and even like them, because that’s how things work in Atlas. when Elm says “you don’t have to understand orders, kids. you just have to follow them,” it’s not just mindlessly repeating ideology, it’s a subtle warning to toe the line for all their sakes. they keep each other loyal, which is a loyalty of its own. they watch each other’s backs, both on and off the field.

which i think is why they all (but especially Harriet and Elm, who had been the most friendly AND the most vocal about How Things Work) felt so personally betrayed by RWBY. in their mind, they’d done their best to acclimate these children to the best way to make it through Atlas alive, and in return the kids spat in their faces by rejecting the system entirely--and they KNOW what happens when you try to do that. in Harriet’s mind the kids have already become more people for whom she cannot grieve, because they’ll be replaced soon, and she has to take them out.***

which makes this:

...this is a serious breach of trust.

on one level it’s not like. a SECRET that Winter’s the Favored Kid, and just a little less dispensable than the rest of them, but to have her rub her white girl privilege in Harriet’s face like this, in front of EVERYONE--that must sting, especially since Harriet had been doing her (very unique version of) best at supporting Winter like any teammate should.

on another level: Winter is pulling rank to commit treason, which is such a bullshit bastard thing to do, because it puts literally all of them in a double bind where if they defy her it’s insubordination, and if they DON’T defy her she’s dragging ALL OF THEM down with her. trust a Schnee to take advantage of the system and leave them holding the bag, right? Winter’s rejecting the system with one hand and using it to forcibly conscript them along with the other, and for--what? one kid’s life? the Right Thing? doesn’t she know that as team leader her first responsibility is to her team, and that loyalty matters more?****

it’s a much worse betrayal than Team RWBY, because Winter’s one of them, but she’s the one tearing the veil right open, she’s the one saying “i don’t care about the system anymore, and i’m willing to game it to drag you along.” Harriet’s been trying to win this thing--this illusory thing that can never be won, where the threat of being replaced can only ever be delayed but not completely outrun--and here comes Winter, who in Harriet’s eyes has pretty much won already, and she says: guess what? it’s all bullshit. i’m the bullshit queen of this bullshit ride, and i’m gonna use my bullshit power over you so we can flip off this entire caboose.*****

so how is Harriet going to react? it’s entirely possible that she’ll double down, and try to go over Winter’s head to Ironwood--keep playing the game, knock Winter off her perch, maybe even take her place. Winter’d deserve it; she was the one who fired the first shot, while Harriet’s been loyal in every sense of the word. but my guess--my hope--is that she’ll choose differently, because she’s not the only one processing this. some members of her team--the people that she cares about despite knowing that she shouldn’t--are less invested in the system than she is. some of them are bound to realize, especially once it sinks in that they’ve been sent on a mission where there’s no coming back,****** that Winter’s not the only one who can decide what matters and what doesn’t.

the day you recognize your cage is the day you begin setting yourself free. they’ve already disobeyed one order, and even if they hadn’t--Ironwood’s gonna replace them all anyway. if they’re gonna proceed with the bomb plan, they don’t have to do it for any reason but their own. or they don’t have to do it at all! it’s treason all the way down, for all of them, and they can decide to each do what they think is right separately, or...they can, for the time being, stick together. watch each other’s backs, so that they all have a better chance of survival.

in a way, it’s what they’ve always done.

*which can i say is fucking absurd given the age gap between the two--like, imagine watching an upperclassman graduate and then after summer break she strolls back into the Academy and is all “i’m actually Dean of Students now” and you’re just expected to nod like yes this is a normal thing to happen

**yes i KNOW that Marrow is the only minority technically bc color-based racism doesn’t exist on Remnant let’s say that everyone else is from Mantle or smth and lemme have this fanwank

***given that the Specialist program has been operating for...well, as long as Cordovin has been around, i wonder if there are any jaded washouts, or people who grew a conscience. i wonder what happened to them if there are, and i wonder if Tortuga was one of them.

****but the thing is: Winter doesn’t. Winter is one of the very few characters who has never been shown as part of a team of peers--even Ironwood got that, as part of the Ozluminati. the only other major examples i can think of are...Salem, who has a team but no peers, and Raven, who had a team but left it. Winter probably had a team at one point at the Academy, but it’s conspicuous that she doesn’t have one now. i’m not gonna get into it because this ain’t about her, but this is another example of Winter’s flaws somehow compensating for her other flaws--if she HAD bonds with teammates, it would be much harder for her default to doing the right thing, consequences be damned.

*****”just a lil bit tho!!! haha please don’t tell my dad”

******do the AceOps know they’ve been sent on a suicide mission? i think they don’t yet, because i think they’ll work it out onscreen, and i don’t think Winter’s gonna tell them.

#Anonymous #rwby #harriet bree #just to be clear: the aceops SHOULDN'T stay together after this #marrow in particular has every right to ditch these motherfuckers #but for the time being? they probably will remain a team #anyway this is SO SO LONG ANON YOU HAVE MY CONDOLENCES #you know that rwby is escapism bc we're all waiting for cops to realize they're bad people and...actually change their behavior #helen writes meta

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