#I haven’t been an active part of a community in four years

[chitrolls]

It’s time for my yearly visit to ruminate on what my trolls are up to for ball season and, idk, the next several months. I don’t really go here anymore as much as I ruminate with a couple of people, but I still love and miss all my trolls.

[sinnabarmoth]

Worthy of Devotion (3/9)

Pairing: Sea God|Rafayel x Worshipper|Reader (fem)

Summary: Reader learns more about Rafayel and can't help asking some more personal questions. Meanwhile Rafayel is learning new things about human peculiarities both funny and concerning.

Content Warnings: Self worth issues caused by religious trauma.

Length: 3k

Chapters: (1) (2) (4) (5) (6) (7) (8) (9)

Read on AO3

~~~

The next day was more of the same. You woke up, made yourself from breakfast and started cleaning a new part of the temple. You had decided to work on the bedroom this time. The main issue was all the dust and you ended up tying a handkerchief around your face to help keep yourself from sneezing.

You had also finally entered the attached bathing room. Yesterday you had just availed yourself to the communal toilets on the main level since that was where you had spent most your day. The bathing room was in much the same state as the bedroom, covered in a fine layer of dust. The main problem was the large tub in the center of the room. In any other circumstance it would have been lovely, the large basin cut into solid marble, you could fit at least four people inside easily. But over the years a layer of moss and fungus had sprouted inside, coating the marble like a carpet. That took a lot of scraping and shoveling and scrubbing to get clean.

You were knelt in the center of the tub, trying to get the green ring stain out of the marble when Rafayel wandered in. “There you are,” he sat at the edge of the tub. “Keeping busy?”

“Someone has to repair this temple and I’m the only one here, so yes.” you wiped the sweat from your brow but only managed to smear more dirt and grime against it. “I assume you’re here to continue working on the journal?”

“Yes. But you are going to need to clean yourself up first. You’ll end up dirtying the pages with hands like that.” he picked up one of your hands and inspected the grime caked under your nails. “In fact, have you bathed at all since coming here?”

“I have rinsed…” you muttered, “But I haven’t really had the time to--”

“Up. Now.” he pulled you up and out of the tub. “You are not doing any more work until you’ve bathed. To be perfectly honest, you smell rather bad too. I let it slide yesterday because we were working but there is no excuse for this now.”

“Alright. I’ll go down to the baths--”

“What are you talking about? You just cleaned this one, use it.”

“If I use this one then I have to carry buckets of water up here to fill it. It’s just easier to go to the baths downstairs.”

Rafayel rolled his eyes and reached towards the head of the tub. There was a pipe over the basin but you saw no pump with which to call up water from. Behind the pipe was a large smooth gem that he put his hand over. He muttered something foreign to your ears and suddenly water began to fill the tub. Even more than that, steam was rising from it.

“But how--”

“A water gem.” he pointed to the gem behind the pipe. “Very rare. They provide unlimited water with the activation of certain phrases. “Calidum, for hot water. Frigus, for cold water. To get it to stop, say finis. Try it.”

You put your hand on the stone. “Frigus?”

There was a pause in the spray of water and when it returned you felt it was ice cold. You touched the stone again. “Calidum.” Another pause and hot water came out again. “Finis.” The water stopped. “Wow. Do you know how useful that would have been to know an hour ago when I was carrying buckets of water up here to scrub the floors?”

He smiled. “Well now you know. There should still be some soaps around here somewhere. Clean yourself up, I will be back.”

“Thank you.” You started the water again, going back and forth with the cold and hot to get it to a nice temperature and then sank in. When was the last time you had an honest to goodness hot bath? It was always such a hassle back home to get a hot bath all to yourself.

You let yourself relax, the feel of the hot water easing the pain in your joints and relaxing your muscles. Yes, you needed this. After a while of just soaking and enjoying the bath you picked up a rag and the soap and started cleaning yourself in earnest. You shouldn’t have been surprised by how nice the soap was but it still caught you off guard to smell something so pretty and floral. It smelled like plumerias and a whiff of coconut.

You were rinsing the suds away when the door banged open and Rafayel strode in again. You ducked under the water up to your neck, covering your body with your arms. “I’m still in here!”

“I figured you would be.” he didn’t seem perturbed by your nakedness or the clear panic you were exhibiting. “I brought fresh clothes. Those rags you’ve been wearing need a wash, if you still want to keep them that is.”

“Yes, thank you. You can leave now.” you curled into yourself, trying to hide your body more the closer he got.

“You’re awfully jumpy. What’s got into you?” he cocked an eyebrow up at you.

“I’m naked!”

“So?”

You swallowed back the urge to scream. “So I don’t want you seeing me naked. Please.”

“I assume this is one of those human peculiarities.” he shrugged. “The nude form is very natural, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. You especially have a rather delectable form, from what I glanced when I came in at least.”

You were going to drown yourself in this tub. “Thanks. But I’d rather not wander around naked so freely. So can you please leave now so I can dry and dress?”

“Yes yes, I’m going.” he left the room. “We’re going to add these views on nudity to the book I hope you know. It’s ridiculous that you humans are so preoccupied with it.” He shouted from the bedroom.

“Got it.” you sighed, pressing the heels of your palms to your eyes. “Gods give me strength.” you muttered.

“Strength for what?” Rafayel shouted again.

“That prayer wasn’t for you!” you snapped. So he really could here your prayers…great. You needed to be careful about what you said now.

After you had drained the tub and dried yourself off you picked up the bundle of clothes that Rafayel had left for you. It was a pair of loose pants and shirt made out of the same linens that he wore. There were little shells embroidered along the sleeves and a wave design along the thigh of the pants. They were simple working clothes, easy to move around in and lightweight.

When you left the bathing room you saw Rafayel packing more garments into the standing wardrobe. He turned back to you and smiled. “There, that looks much better.” he walked up to you and pulled you close. You froze as his face was buried in your hair. “Smell much better too. Now we can work without you smelling like dirt and sweat.”

“It wasn’t that bad!” you protested. Your resentment covered the sheer panic of his sudden embrace.

“It was. Come along, mudskipper. Time to get writing.” he pulled you to the sitting area of the bedroom.

“First I’m a grouper and now I’m a mudskipper. If you’re going to keep comparing me to fish can’t they at least be cute? Like an angelfish or even a starfish would sound nicer.”

“How about a clownfish?” he deposited you in one of the chairs.

“Do you enjoy mocking me?”

“What? Do you not think clownfish are cute?” he tossed you the book and sat down in the chair opposite you. “Now, where were we?”

You flipped open the book with a roll of your eyes. “Let me see, we had just finished discussing how the title of Sea God is passed down through generations and I have a note here about partners to the Sea God. I think we left off talking about unions and the powers that romantic partners had if any.”

“Right,” Rafayel cleared his throat, “It varies from person to person, some gods chose to have a partner with which they could entrust helping to rule over the Lemurians, in that way it was very strategic. Others were more driven by their desires and chose partners with their hearts. Sometimes partners are equal rulers with similar ruling authority, sometimes they are figure heads, but there is no set in stone responsibilities for the partner of the Sea God.”

“Interesting.” you started writing everything down. “And what about children? Is there any chance that progeny of the current Sea God may be chosen as the new god or is it entirely up to chance?”

“It is entirely up to chance. Children of current gods do not automatically inherit their parent’s title. I only know of one recorded instance in which one of the children of a past god was selected as the inheritor.”

Your pen paused. “Rafayel, do you have a partner?”

His eyes widened a fraction before he shook his head. “No. I do not.”

You didn’t know why but your heart did a pitter patter in your chest hearing that. “Then, do you plan on marrying for strategy or for love?”

“I don’t really have any plans right now.”

“Alright, let me just write that down. Current god, Rafayel, is not one to plan for the future.”

“Hey! You can’t write that down!” his face turned pink.

“I’m the one with the pen so--ah!” you held the pen back as Rafayel tried to grab it. “You’re the one who tasked me with writing this book so I get to write my findings!”

“No, you write what I tell you to write. Now give me the pen.” he made another swipe for it but you leapt out of your seat. “Are you disobeying me, clownfish?”

“Of course not. I would never dare disobey my god.” you handed the pen to him. “Here you are.”

“Thank you.”

“But I will be taking this.” you grabbed the book and took off out the door.

“Oh! I see how it is! My sweet clownfish is actually a slippery little eel!” he took off after you.

There was a part of you that screamed that you shouldn’t be doing this. Everything you had learned, everything you had been raised as told you that you shouldn’t have been disobeying and teasing your god like this. If any of the priests or priestesses could see your behavior you’d be put on floor scrubbing for a year, maybe ten. But they weren’t here. None of them had actually completed their pilgrimages. None of them had spoken to Rafayel. According to what they taught you, and according to your god, you were more worthy than any of them. No one was here to say otherwise. You could do whatever you wanted. And you felt like having a little fun, and the fact that it was at the expense of a god made it all the funnier.

You were flying down the stairs, a wide smile on your face as you ran. You could hear Rafayel gaining behind you. You weren’t sure if you wanted to be caught or not.

You glanced over your shoulder to see how close he was and your foot hit a chunk of fallen ceiling. Your body pitched forward, gravity helping send you down the last couple of steps.

“Watch it!” you were caught by the waist and tugged backwards with force. You were tipping back instead and you landed with a thud on the stairs, Rafayel cushioning your fall. “Ow.”

“Oh no, I’m so sorry!” you rolled off him. “Are you okay?”

“No. I think this is it for me. I’m weak, this is the end.” he threw an arm over his eyes. “The light shall need to choose a new Sea God now. I am to descend into the abyss. Tell my people I died heroically, saving one of my acolytes.”

You could tell he was being dramatic but you saw the way he winced as he sat up and the rock that he had landed on was painted a deep crimson at the point.

Rafayel looked at you, the humor on his face disappearing. “What’s wrong? Are you hurt?” he waved a hand in front of your face, “Say something, you’re starting to worry me.”

“You…you’re bleeding.” you murmured, horrified that he had gotten injured saving you.

“Ah that,” he picked up the rock and tossed it away to a corner. “Don’t worry about that. I was only joking, I feel fine. A little sore between the shoulder blades but nothing to get worked up about.”

“I’m sorry.” you drew into yourself, pulling your knees close to your body. “I’m so sorry. You got hurt because of me. I’m sorry.”

“You would have gotten hurt worse if I let you fall. We really need to work on that balance of yours. You have about as much grace as a fish on a dock.” he smiled at you. When you did not return it he inched closer. He reached out as if to touch you and you flinched back. He eased away.

“You’re shaken from the fall. I get it.” he said slowly, as if trying to coax a skittish animal, “But I promise I’m fine. You don’t need to feel bad about it. Accidents happen.”

“I…I…” you glanced around and saw the book splayed out at the bottom of the stairs. You stood up, ignoring the pain in your foot as you hobbled down and recollected it. “I need to go.” You set the book on the bottom step and limped out of the temple.

“Where are you going?” Rafayel raced after you. “Your foot is scraped, if you get sand in it it will only make it worse.”

You ignored him, your body taking you down the steps and onto the beach. You kept going until you got the shore where the ocean lapped at the sand. You waded into the water up to your knees. The salt burned against your wound but you didn’t retreat, the pain helped to ground you. Staring straight ahead your vision tunneled as it tried in vain to see past the horizon line.

You hurt your god. Actually hurt him. And for what? Because you wanted to tease him a little? What right did you have? Was this a divine punishment? Fate reminding you of your place? A mortal poking fun at a deity like he was an old friend. No. There were lines for a reason. You couldn’t cross them. No one was ever meant to cross them.

“Come back inside,” you heard Rafayel’s voice behind you. “Your foot needs tending.”

“I shouldn’t be in there. I don’t belong in that temple or on this island. I’m not worthy. I need to leave. I need to--”

“By the tides, not this again.” Rafayel groaned and with an ease that surprised you he hefted you out of the water and started carrying you back to the temple. “Here I thought you were finally done with all that aggrandizing. One little tumble down some stairs and suddenly you think you need to throw yourself into the ocean. Those charlatans on the mainland really messed with your self worth in the name of worshiping me, didn’t they?”

“What--what are you--” you stammered as he marched you back into the temple. “Please! Put me down. I don’t--I can’t--”

“Shush.” he brought you into the kitchen and set you down on the table. “Stay there.”

“But--”

“Stay.” he pointed and left out the back door. He came back with a bucket of water and grabbed a clean rag out of one of the drawers. Dunking it into the water he grabbed your injured foot and started dabbing away at the blood and sand. “And here the day was going so well. I finally got you to take a bath, we were having a nice chat, then we took that little tumble and it was like it reset you. You had better not start calling me Your Radiance again, I swear.”

“I shouldn’t have ran though. It’s not my place. I shouldn’t have done it and then you wouldn’t have had to help me and you wouldn’t have gotten hurt and--” you went silent as he glanced up at you, that spark of blue flame alighting his eyes once more.

“Did I not say yesterday that you are allowed to feel whatever you please in regards to me? You can feel guilty if you wish but your guilt doesn’t get to erase the fact that you also feel comfortable with me. I like that you play. I don’t want you to stop on account of this one accident.” He patted your wound dry and tore a strip of fabric off of his sarong, wrapping it around your foot. “Understood? Don’t make me have to make it an order because that will go against everything I am trying to accomplish here.”

“What is it you want to accomplish?” you asked.

“I want to create followers that want to follow me out of devotion, not fear. If I can’t get you to not fear me, then what hope is there for the others?” he handed you the wet rag. “I know I can’t undo everything you learned, especially not in a day. But we are not going to spend this time with you too scared to say anything out of turn or show any displeasure. I may be your god but I do not control you. Do you understand?”

You nodded.

“No. Say it.”

“I understand.”

“Understand what?”

You took a deep breath. “I understand what you want from me.”

“Which is?”

“To be devoted to you out of desire, not obligation or fear.”

“Good.” he turned around and you could see the wound in his back where the rock stabbed him. “Now, could you be so kind as to help clean this for me?”

“Yes. Of course.” You wiped at the blood trickling down his spin and pressed the rag over the cut to staunch the bleeding.

“Rafayel?” your voice felt as if it was a thousand miles away from your body.

“Yes?”

“You talk of being a god worthy of devotion, but do you not have any requisites of your followers? Is there nothing to make us worthy of your blessings outside of wanting to worship you? It seems unfair that you hold yourself to such a high degree but not us.”

“You wish to know what I think makes my followers worthy of my blessings and spared of my wrath?” he thought for a moment. “They have to be kind and honest. They cannot spread fear in hopes that it will gain me more followers or larger offerings. To be worthy, their actions and words must come from their souls. A sand dollar offered by a child that believes in me out of trust is worth more than all the gold shoveled onto a dais by fearful priests. Chasing you through the halls as you try to play keep away with me is more precious to me than this self loathing you carry about inadvertently causing me injury.”

“I understand.” A smile started to creep its way back onto your face. “I like this version of you far better than the one I learned about on the mainland.”

“Nice to hear it.” he glanced over his shoulder. “Almost done back there?”

“Oh right.” you had forgotten what you were doing for a moment. You removed the rag from his back. You were shocked to see that the wound had completely disappeared, gone as if it never existed, save for a small pink spot between his shoulder blades. “What…how did that happen?”

“I’m God of the Seas, water is a natural healer to me, be it fresh or salt.” he rolled his shoulders, the muscles in his back flexing as he did. “Now, how about we do something relaxing for the rest of the day? No cleaning, no writing, something simple.”

“Like what?”

“Want to learn how to play a Lemurian board game?”

“Sure.”

“Alright,” he glanced around the room. “Right, I need to go get one. Stay here, don’t go tripping over anything else, I will be right back.”

He left to dive back into the sea while you stayed sat on the kitchen table. You picked your foot up, inspecting the makeshift bandage over your foot. He could have gone and found actual bandages but he tore off part of his clothes just to dress your wound. Either he thought very highly of your foot or very little of his clothes. You ran a finger over the gold embroidery, contemplating.

It would take him some time to return so you carefully stood up and limped back out to the staircase. The book was still resting on the top step along with the pen that Rafayel had dropped. You picked up both and cracked open the book, penning a new note near the back.

“The god Rafayel wants more than anything for his followers to follow him out of love rather than fear. I think this shows more than anything that he cares for us more than the priests of old would have had us believe. He is a kind god,” you bit back a mischievous smile, “and he likes it when you tease him, so if you are reading this you should do it a lot. He really does like it. Just be ready for him to tease you right back.”

[joblrcensus]

it’s time for the JOblr census results 🧡🙌

before we start i want to thank everyone who took their time to answer this silly little project, gathering responses from 203 baby boos!! it’s my first time doing this so hopefully i can bring some excitement with the results <3

so buckle up and let’s get into it

general questions

Which continent are you from?

Unsurprisingly, the majority is European with a total of 80.8% but it’s amazing to see that they’ve crossed the continent’s border and we also have 9.9% people from North America, 3.9% from Australia & Oceania, 3.4% from Asia and 2% from South America. No person chose the Africa option.

Which country are you from? (optional)

With this being an optional question, 162 respondents out of 203 opted to answer it. Let’s take a look at the top countries by number of people in JOblr (small note: I counted the few people who wrote England or Scotland as part of the UK answer)

Drumrolls 🥁…..

Finland - 29

UK & USA - 15

Germany - 11

Poland - 9

Italy - 8

Australia - 7

Sweden - 6

Austria, Spain, The Netherlands - 5

Croatia, Slovenia - 4

Czechia, France, Romania - 3

Belgium, Canada, Denmark, Hungary, Lithuania, Norway, Philippines, Portugal, Ukraine - 2

Bolivia, Brazil, China, Estonia, Greece, Iceland, India, Luxembourg, Malta, Mexico, Russia, Switzerland - 1

How old are you?

45.8% of us are between 18-25, following by 23.6% between 26-30, 18.2% between 31-45, 10.8% under 18 and two people who are over 45 years old.

Are you part of the LGBTQ+ community?

Remember when they said Joker Out are for the girls and gays? 🏳️‍🌈

Well that was absolutely not wrong since 77.3% baby boos answered that yes they are part of the community, while 11.8% are questioning and 10.8% have answered no

tumblr activity questions

How do you participate on JOblr?

a majority of 98 people are mostly reblogging posts in the fandom but sometimes making posts of their own, 38 are only reblogging while 36 lurkers have stepped out of the shadow and made themselves known. The least amount of people (31) said to be active posters

Do you post any of the following?

It’s already known this fandom is mad talented and entertaining!! It’s always a joy seeing everyone’s creations and posts no matter the type. And the people who are only enjoying and supporting the content are just as important 🫶

Do you also post about Käärijä?

Since these two fandoms are basically overlapping, sometimes even seen as one fandom, I was curious just how much

50.7% also post about Käärijä outside of Joker Out, while 35% don’t post about him at all (or perhaps very rarely). 14.3% are mainly coming from Käärijä’s fandom

joker out questions

How did you find out about Joker Out?

Another unsurprising result, with 89.7% of us finding out about them through Eurovision. But it was really cool to see that there are people who discovered them differently. Ten people found out about them through Tumblr or other social media, to four they were recommended by someone and one through a music platform. The “other” option was chosen as well and included:

finding out about JO through Käärijä

through a music blog review

on slovenian radio

Who from the current members is your favorite?

One of the hardest questions but it had to be done

So Tumblr’s top favorite members areee:

Bojan - 69 votes

Jan - 42 votes

Kris - 40 votes

Nace - 35 votes

Jure - 17 votes

Have you been to a Joker Out concert?

I did not expect this one to be so balanced but I am pleasantly surprised! 104 people have been to a JO concert, while 99 haven’t. It often feels like you’re the only person who hasn’t seen them live yet but it’s nice to see that you’re not alone, so if anyone feels the same don’t worry our time will come too 🥹

If you answered yes, have you seen them multiple times?

Out of the 104 people who previously answered yes, there’s still a balance between those who have been to only one concert and those who have been to multiple

If you’re into RPF, which one of the most popular ships (according to AO3) is your favorite?

Another optional question where 181 out of 203 opted to respond to.

Oh boy, ooooh boy this was a tough battle. It felt like I was watching a horse race. I can tell you that all three ships have been at some point in the first place, or even equal. Are you ready to see the most interesting result yet?

Drumrolls again 🥁…….

BoJere - 58 votes

BoKris - 57 votes

Jance - 56 votes

The “other” option was also chosen and the following ships were included:

BoMartin

Jan/Jure

Kris/Jure

Nace/Kris

Nace/Jere

poly!JO

aaaand that’s it, you made it to the end 🫶 hope you enjoyed and why not see you on the next census!!

[trustmypoison]

LMLY - Act Three

Choi Y/N hasn’t seen her long lost best friend Yoon Jeonghan in four years and doesn’t even recognize at first him when paramedics roll him into the OR after a motorcycle accident during her shift. She kind of expects to go back being total strangers as soon as he’s discharged, but Seungcheol has something to say about that when he asks them to be Best Man and Maid of Honor for his wedding. 

You can find the masterlist here.

LMLY is the sequel to Calico. You don’t need to read Calico to follow along with most of this story, but it will make things more enjoyable if you do. 

Genres: fluff; angst; smut; best friends to strangers to lovers; wedding au

Pairing: Jeonghan x female reader

TW/CW: MDNI, contains explicit smut, some tough family dynamics such as divorce, a lot of marriage and wedding talk, mentions of having children, mentions of depression, mentions of manipulative relationships, quite a few details about accidents and subsequent medical procedures and issues. 

A/N: I am not in the medical field, so please forgive any inaccuracies included in this story. 

Word count: 11k

This is a repost of a previous fic I did. It was one of the first fics that I ever posted on here and I wish I had made some different choices aesthetically. The content will be the same, it will just be a little prettier and more readable.

“Would you guys tell me if you were pranking me again?”

A pin drop could be heard at the table and she’s met with six gobsmacked expressions - well, five, and one potentially angry one. 

“Why do you ask?” Wonwoo asks carefully, eyes narrowed as he glances around at the other men suspiciously. 

They’re out to dinner, something they rarely all get to do. It’s the last week in March and by some miracle everyone was free. Y/N wants to enjoy it because she loves her friends, but she’s beginning to feel paranoid. The last time she felt like this was her senior year of college, when none of these men were her friends, and most of them were plotting against her. Her mood had been noticed and the question had come out of her mouth before she could stop it when they asked how she was.

“Just answer the question first. Did I do something wrong?” 

The men glance around the table at each other, before finally, Mingyu looks at her seriously. “No, Y/N. We have not been pranking you. We haven’t even entertained that idea for many, many years.”

“Why do you ask?” Jihoon presses Wonwoo’s initial question. 

Y/N huffs, resisting the urge to throw her chopsticks down. “It seems someone is after me again.”

“I’m going to need you to start from the beginning,” Wonwoo insisted protectively.

It started with the bridesmaids dresses. They’d gone for a fitting back in January and Y/N had been the one to place the order and manage communication with the dress shop because it was part of her Maid of Honor duties, and because Byeol was way too stressed about her custom wedding dress that may or may not be ready before they leave for Greece. 

One day in February, Y/N gets a call from the dress shop while she’s at work. It’s a very confused consultant asking if she really meant to cancel the order and if the wedding had been cancelled or rescheduled. This makes Y/N blanch. She hopes she’d be one of the first calls Seungcheol or Byeol would make if something like that happened. Especially given that she saw them the day before and they were great. “No, I didn’t cancel the order and the wedding is still very much on as scheduled. What do you mean?” 

The frazzled consultant explains that she got a call from someone claiming to be Choi Y/N and that the dress order needed to be canceled. However, when the consultant had reviewed the order, she noticed the phone number that called hadn’t been the one that matched the order record. Thus, she called the number on the order to verify. The consultant assured Y/N that the order was still very much active and would be fulfilled. Crisis averted.

A couple weeks later, another call came through from the same consultant at the same dress shop. “Another consultant said that you need a different size now? No big deal, it looks like we have a few in stock, but I just wanted to double check before I made the change.” Y/N bit her tongue. No, she doesn’t need a new size. The consultant sounds just as suspicious as Y/N is as she verifies all of the dress sizes for Y/N, Ara, and Sora. They’re accurate, and the consultant assures her that this is what will be filled. Crisis averted, again. 

Then, last week, Y/N had hosted the bridesmaids at her apartment for a little planning session. The wedding party would be going to Greece a few days early to prepare and throw the bachelor and bachelorette party. They were planning a night out in Mykonos for Byeol and things had seemed to go well. Ara was always nice, and Sora had even been civil throughout the last few meetings. Not friendly, per say, but it felt like progress. 

After Y/N shows them out and goes to her room to get ready for bed, she sees her closet open a crack. She’s confused because it’s always totally closed or totally open, never in between. Fear slices through her gut when she opens it to see that the garment bag isn’t zipped fully like it had been when she hung it up earlier that week. She throws it out onto the bed quickly and unzips it to reveal the dress - which has splotches of black ink all over it soaking into the turquoise silk. There’s a broken and drained ink pen from her desk in the bathroom trashcan. 

Her first call is to Joshua, who is at work. He’s perplexed by the accusation and insists he hasn’t been in her closet, or her room even, since a couple weeks ago when it had been his turn to do laundry. And nonetheless, she should know he wouldn’t destroy her belongings like that.

Her second call is to Jeonghan, who says that his tux orders have been fine and his tux is pristine in his closet. He also denies any involvement and begins pressing her for answers, but she has to cut the call short to keep things moving.

The third call is to the dress shop which she has to leave a message at. By some miracle, the same consultant calls her back first thing in the morning and she kindly scrambles to find her a replacement quickly after hearing Y/N’s sob story. The consultant makes a comment that leaves her stomach rolling - something about bridesmaids trying to sabotage a wedding and how common it actually is. Y/N decides to store this new dress at Jeonghan’s apartment when it arrives. 

And there had been other little things too. Both she and Jeonghan’s locks to their apartment had been tampered with. Jeonghan’s digital keypad entry had just simply locked for too many bad tries, but Y/N’s lock had been jammed to the point that maintenance had to replace their locks. Naturally, the cameras at both of their apartments hadn’t caught much in the hallway to indicate how either of those things had happened.

Then, her computer and phone had also been locked for too many wrong password attempts. Annoying as that had been at the time, she had chalked it up to her being forgetful and having a long day at work. But there was that tingle of anxiety in her gut that she had when she was dodging glitter bombs and sitting on chairs with airhorns underneath them and closely examining hand sanitizer before she used it.

When she’s done explaining, all of them look angry. “Y/N, this is starting to sound like an inside job,” Seungkwan suggests.

“Gee, I wonder who that would be,” Joshua muses humorlessly. “Perhaps the same person that lunges at you in a hospital?”

Y/N frowns. She had a feeling that this was were this was going, but she still asks one more time. “You guys swear this isn’t you?” There are six fervent nods and even a few pinkies that fly out to her. She waves it off, burying her head in her hands. “The wedding is like a month away. What is she going to do when we get to Greece?”

“Y/N, I think you should tell Byeol and Seungcheol. They should know about this,” Seokmin insists, and Mingyu agrees immediately.

“Seungcheol wouldn’t stand for this and I don’t think Byeol would either. It’s not just about their wedding. It’s about the fact that she’s targeting you. Trust me, Seungcheol has a wrath when it comes to that. Do you have any idea how many laps I had to run in senior year of college?”

They all encourage her to go straight to her brother and Byeol and talk to them. Mingyu and Wonwoo both say that they’ll even drop out of the wedding party to maintain an even number if the couple chooses to remove Sora. This encouragement isn’t new because Jeonghan has been encouraging her to say something for weeks, and even made a few threats to say something himself. 

When she and Jeonghan shows up at her brother’s apartment the next day, she decides that she’s just be here to issue a warning. Byeol and Sora have been friends for years, almost as long as Byeol and Y/N have been, and she’s not interested in ruining a friendship. Y/N wants the couple to have a stress free, relaxed wedding and behavior like this might disrupt that peace. 

Y/N gives them a watered down version of the story and no one looks very happy. Jeonghan stops eating to rub his eyes like an ache is building behind them. Seungcheol looks livid. Byeol is a blend of confused and upset. 

“And you’re sure that its her?” Byeol asked for the third time.

Y/N is about to give the same answer - I’m afraid so - but Jeonghan cuts her off. “Yeah, this has Sora all over it. She’s not trying to ruin your wedding, Byeol. She’s trying to ruin Y/N as the Maid of Honor.”

Seungcheol and Byeol look at each other in silence for a long time. Finally, Seungcheol says, “I can ask Wonwoo or Mingyu to drop out. One of them can be ‘unofficial’ members of the wedding party and still go with us early as planned, but they don’t have to stand at the altar with us.” Byeol just frowns at him. They’d had a vision of what their day would look like and this is a deviation.

Y/N waves her hands. “No, please don’t make any rash decisions because of this. Everything is fine. I just wanted to know that there could be some tension.” Y/N glances to Jeonghan. “Jeonghan and I are determined to make this as stress free as possible for you guys, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be informed.”

Byeol looks at Jeonghan. “What do you think? I was under the impression things were getting better between you three, but maybe I was wrong.”

Y/N and Seungcheol can tell Jeonghan is holding back an honest answer. “Byeol, she’s your friend and it’s your day. This is totally up to you. Like Y/N said, we’re dedicated to making this as perfect as possible. We’ll keep doing that whether or not Sora is there.”

That night, Y/N is curled into Jeonghan’s side in his bed. They’ve been quiet since coming home and Y/N wondered if it’s just because they’re tired. Jeonghan is running his hands through her hair when he finally speaks up. 

“Why didn’t you tell me everything earlier? I would have said something to her a long time ago if I knew you were dealing with all of this.” Up until dinner, he’d only known something was going on with the dress orders and had encouraged her to say something to Byeol about it. He learned along with Seungcheol and Byeol at dinner just how much had been going on.

“I didn’t want to worry you. I’ve been able to save everything so far,” Y/N mumbles.

“But I’m worried now, Y/N,” he huffs. “I told her to leave you alone way back at the engagement dinner in July. I thought she’d let all of this go.”

“Have you talked to her much?” Y/N asks carefully.

“No, I try not to. I’m polite when we’re at wedding planning things, don’t get me wrong. But I don’t go out of my way to talk to her and anytime she calls or texts, I ignore it.”

Y/N bites her lip, hoping she doesn’t sound as insecure as she feels. “Does she reach out often?”

But Jeonghan’s known her too long and he’s turning to face her immediately, grabbing her chin to make her look at him. “You have nothing to worry about, angel. I don’t want anything to do with her and the only reason she’s not blocked right now is because of the wedding. As soon as that’s over, you can press the block button for me if you want.” To punctuate the promise, he pecked her lips which remained in a small pout. “What is it, angel?”

“So you’re happy? With me, I mean.” 

Jeonghan’s eyes widen, an astounded look taking over his face. “Happy? I’m in love with you. Of course, I am.”

It’s Y/N’s turn to look surprised. “Are you really?” She asks with a tinge of amazement.

Jeonghan is laughing now, pressing a few more kisses to her lips. “Yes. Angel, as smart as you are, you can be so oblivious sometimes. I’ve known it for months, I just didn’t know when to say it.”

Y/N is giggling. “A love confession and an insult in one go. Very romantic of you, Jeonghan.” He presses a few more kisses. “For the record, I’m in love with you too.”

Jeonghan snickers, though he looks elated. “I’m going to marry the shit out of you one day. Just you wait.”

“I told you to get me a ring when you’re ready,” Y/N teases.

“Oh, I know. I’m looking. I can’t bother Seungcheol with it right now, but I will be as soon as he’s back from the honeymoon.” Jeonghan’s fingers dig into her sides, tickling her. She shrieks and then he’s on top of her, kissing her deeply. Y/N feels light as a feather.

The wedding party arrives in Mykonos four days before the wedding. They’re all pretty tired but thankfully the only thing on the list before they can relax for the night is to tour the venue. It’s currently decorated for a wedding scheduled for tomorrow, but the wedding coordinator with the hotel runs through the details as they go. The menu is set and the cake will be ready for viewing in a couple days. The coordinator has samples and pictures of the decor and floral arrangements that are waiting in storage to ensure that the bride is happy with it. Byeol is, of course, very happy with it because Y/N thinks she’s the most agreeable person she’s ever met. But Y/N is not and nitpicks a few things that can be adjusted in the coming days. 

The next day, Jeonghan is busy with the groomsmen, because the bachelor party is today. They charter a boat to hang out on the ocean for the day, and when they arrive back at the hotel Jeonghan tells Seungcheol to get ready for some club hopping. To his great surprise, Seungcheol refuses. His nerves have become increasingly fried the closer the ceremony gets and he’s petrified of doing anything that will mean Byeol doesn’t walk down the aisle. Jeonghan, Mingyu, and Wonwoo all insist that this is just for some food and plenty of drinks and other women will be kept far away from him if they try to approach. They know he only has eyes for Byeol, but he’s terrified of giving any impression other than that, even for a split second. As a last resort, Jeonghan has to pull Y/N away from the rooftop pool to talk her twin down. He’s not sure what she says to him, but when she leaves the groom’s suite, she simply smiles, kisses Jeonghan, and tells them all to have a good time.

The next day, it’s Y/N’s turn to stay busy. She and the girls wake up very early to go to the spa within the hotel. After massages, facials, and nails, Y/N guides the group to a photography studio a few blocks away. Byeol blushes bright red when Y/N tells her what she has in mind, but eventually agrees. Y/N had seen a cute little trend on TikTok where the bride would do a boudoir photoshoot and throughout the reception the bridesmaids would present pictures to the groom in an envelope. Y/N really just wanted an excuse to embarrass her brother on his big day. Then, Y/N had pulled a few favors from the hotel and they had set up a little scavenger hunt around Mykonos. Y/N crashes into bed as soon as she gets into the room and Jeonghan lets her go to sleep without another word. 

The next day is the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. Y/N and Jeonghan insist that Seungcheol and Byeol take it easy and let them run the show. Both are so nervous about the next day that they hand over the reigns immediately. Y/N and Jeonghan meticulously work through the details step by step - the processional, where and how to stand, order of the ceremony, and the recessional. Jeonghan checks the music while Y/N does one last check of the decor and floral arrangements as the hotel staff bring them in to start setting up.

By the time dinner rolls around, both Seungcheol and Byeol’s families have arrived. Y/N and Jeonghan eat quickly before they’re playing host and hostess to allow Seungcheol and Byeol to breathe. They don’t see much of each other until it’s way past midnight and they fall into bed. 

Jeonghan’s almost asleep already when Y/N mumbles, “I don’t want all of this at our wedding.” Jeonghan chuckles.

“Neither do I. Let’s just elope and not mention it to anyone for a few months.”

Y/N giggles, but she’s dozing off fast. Right before she drifts off, she feels Jeonghan kiss her forehead. 

Y/N is up long before Jeonghan and she’s sort of envious at how soundly he’s still sleeping when she throws on some clothes and leaves for the bridal suite. The hairstylist and makeup artist are waiting when Y/N arrives and she spends the time between then and when the bride and other bridesmaids arrive going over the looks that they’ve all requested. Byeol was very generous with the options she’ll allow, but that means doing four different looks for four different women. As soon as Byeol arrives, Y/N pushes her to the salon chair and lets the makeup artist get started. Y/N is the last in the chair herself, but she’s okay with that because the other three women are totally ready without any hiccups. 

Y/N rushes up to the ballroom and then the rooftop as soon as her heels are on and when she gets to the rooftop she finds a familiar face. Joshua waves at her as she approaches. “Are you surviving?”

Y/N scoffs. “Not sure. Sorry, I have to talk on the go.” Joshua shrugs, trailing after her as she walks the rooftop, checking that place cards are right and the centerpieces are in fact centered. 

“You’re type A personality is showing,” Joshua teases. “Are you going to be a total bridezilla at your own wedding? Just wondering if I dodged a bullet.”

“Uh, no,” Y/N laughs. “I won’t be doing all of this. Speaking of dodging a bullet, are you glad everyone stopped trying to set us up?”

“I’m happy if you’re happy, Y/N,” Joshua muses. “Although I did quite enjoy watching you rip into them time after time. Dinner and a show every single time.”

Y/N snorts. “You’ll live. It’s time for you to settle down now. Ask them to set you up with someone else.”

Joshua scrunches his face up. “Eh. I don’t know that I trust them to do that. But if you have any old sorority friends, you could introduce me.”

A light bulb goes off in Y/N’s head. “Now that you mention it… Find me later at the reception.” Y/N’s phone buzzes and she curses. “I have to go, I’ll see you later though.”

Joshua laughs as she sprints to the door. 

Jeonghan is in the groom’s suite, looking in the mirror as he fiddles with his tie. He’s undone it and redone it half a dozen times throughout the day and it still doesn’t look right. He could fix it for Seungcheol and the other groomsmen, but he’s hopeless at fixing one for himself. 

There’s a knock on the open door and relief floods him. They’ve left the door open for most of the day because there’s just been too much traffic in and out and there are only so many keycards, and he turns, expecting to see Y/N. He’d just texted her for help a few minutes ago. 

But it’s not Y/N.

“Can I help you?” Jeonghan asks coldly, turning back to the mirror and his tie. 

There are heeled footsteps behind him and then Sora is turning him by the shoulder to face her. “Let me fix it. You’ve always been terrible at this.” Jeonghan glances at the clock and realizes he doesn’t have a lot of time to argue. He really needs to be upstairs right now and so does she, and he doesn’t really want to see Y/N’s panicked face if he comes up there with a haphazard tie moments before the ceremony. He refuses to look at Sora as she undoes the tie and knots it properly, sliding it up to his neck snugly. As soon as it’s in place, he takes a few big steps back and loosens the tie just a bit. 

“We need to go,” Jeonghan says, tone still icy. He’s patting his pockets to make sure the ring box is still there.

“Is this how it’s going to be with us from now on? You let that bitch worm her way back in,” Sora huffs.

“Don’t call her that. You should have never called her that, but least of all now that she’s my girlfriend,” Jeonghan snaps.

“Your girlfriend that won’t even marry you?” Sora hisses, stepping towards him. 

Her words give him pause. “How would you know anything about that? You two haven’t had a civil conversation about anything but this wedding.”

Sora looks pretty satisfied with herself and it makes Jeonghan’s stomach churn. “I just heard her talking to Joshua upstairs. She says she won’t be doing all of this, but it sure sounded to me like she won’t be getting married at all. How does it feel to know that the person you left me for after you refused to marry me doesn’t want to marry you?” Jeonghan’s jaw clenches. He’s sure this is a misunderstanding. Sora smirks. “Did she tell you that their friends kept trying to set her and Joshua up? Are you really sure they’re just roommates?”

Jeonghan’s teeth grind painfully. Joshua was a sore subject for him. And he hadn’t known they had been set up before, if Sora’s telling the truth. “What’s your point, Sora?”

Sora softens, stepping far too close to him. Her hand lands on his chest and his stomach churns faster. “My point is, she’s not right for you. You could just come back to me. That’s what I want, actually.”

Jeonghan doesn’t know what to say. He hates how easily Sora can make him doubt things that he’s always known as fact. She made him feel bad all those times that he thought about reaching out to Y/N, saying she wouldn’t want to hear from him. It felt inconceivable at the time given how close he and Y/N once were, especially when they hadn’t parted on bad terms, but there was a trickle of doubt that kept him from dialing her number so many times. 

And then Y/N had heavily implied that she’d marry him with all of the times she said the words ‘buy me a ring when you’re ready’. He’s sure Sora must have misunderstood what she heard, but maybe Y/N’s opinion had changed? And then there was Joshua. His stomach is totally rolling now. He’s thought far too long about this and Sora must have taken it as acceptance because she’s pressed against him and her lips are on his all of the sudden. Jeonghan’s sure he’s not breathing and he begs his body to react and push her away. Especially when he hears a voice in the door way. 

“What the fuck?” Y/N looks pissed. In fact, she’s angrier than he’s ever seen her. 

Jeonghan shoves Sora away roughly, panic flooding his whole body. “Y/N, I can explain.” It feels so lame that that’s the only thing he can think to say and it does nothing to dim the fire in Y/N’s eyes. He crosses the room quickly and she snatches her arm away from him when he reaches out. 

“We don’t have time for that, Jeonghan. We have a wedding to attend, right fucking now! I need both of you upstairs and in line in thirty seconds.” Y/N’s marching to the elevator and Jeonghan numbly follows. Inside the elevator, he can’t look at Sora and really wishes she wasn’t there, and he would get on his knees and beg for Y/N to so much as glance at him right now. But the elevator doors slide open and they’re at the entrance to the ballroom. 

Y/N has slapped a big smile on her face as she ushers everyone in line as the music starts. Jeonghan doesn’t really have a choice but to slap a smile on his face too and follow suit, lining up next to her. It’s his best friend’s wedding after all and he’s promised to help make it go off without a hitch. 

And it does. It’s executed flawlessly thanks to Y/N’s direction. She’s talking to him throughout photos and the reception on the rooftop, but only about wedding details. Jeonghan hopes that the mood doesn’t alarm Seungcheol and Byeol, or at the very least they just think that it’s the stress of the event. Jeonghan wants nothing more than to pull her off to the side and explain what she saw, but they both stay busy the whole night hosting. 

His anxiety is at an all time high when he and Y/N see everyone to the elevator bays to turn in around 3am. They wait for an empty elevator to go to their own room and she’s not acknowledging him. She doesn’t acknowledge him when she swipes the keycard and enters the room, or when she goes straight to the little bar in the corner of the room that Seungcheol had paid for, pouring a glass of wine. He sits at the small dining table and watches her. 

Finally, he steels himself and speaks because he can’t stand the silence anymore. “Y/N, will you please let me explain?” He might as well be begging.

Her back is to him but he can see the tension rise in her shoulders. “What is there to explain?”

Jeonghan puts his head in his hands, trying to rub away the headache that’s been plaguing him since the ceremony. “I know what you saw, and I know it looked bad, but I promise there’s an explanation and I’ll tell you everything.”

“Jeonghan, I’m sure your explanation won’t make me feel better right now,” she says shortly, draining her glass. 

“Please, just let me try,” Jeonghan begs desperately. 

Y/N puts the glass down next to the bar sink with a little force, and it shatters on impact and shards clatter across the counter and into the sink. She wheels around on him. “No! I don’t want to hear it, Jeonghan. You told me a month ago that you wanted nothing to do with her and then you’re making out with her minutes before we have to walk down the aisle together at Cheol’s wedding. No explanation is good enough for that.”

Jeonghan feels his eyes burn. “So, what? Is that it? You won’t let me explain and we end things now? Will you even talk to me when we get home tomorrow?” He’s becoming angry and stands up to pace. “What happened to finding our way out of this if it didn’t work out?”

“That was before you cheated on me with your ex,” Y/N snaps. “The ex you said not to worry about.”

“She came on to me!” Jeonghan shouts. “If you’d just let me explain, you’d know I didn’t want it. She was spewing some shit about you and making me doubt things as she does best and then she was kissing me. Moments before you came in, by the way.”

“It doesn’t matter, Jeonghan. You shouldn’t have let her even get that close to you!” Y/N waves a bloody hand at him. Whatever he might yell in response catches in his throat and he’s stomping across the room to her, grabbing her wrist. He has to use way more force than he’s ever used with her because she’s fighting him hard, but he manages to open up her fist and see the cut in her hand. Blood drips down onto the tile. He curses.

“Look at it. Do you need to go to the hospital?” Jeonghan demands, panic and anxiety replacing his anger with every second that passes. Y/N’s got angry tears in her eyes and she too busy glaring at him to follow his instructions. “I’m serious, Y/N. Tell me if we need to go right now,” he bites harshly.

Y/N glances down and huffs, cursing as she rips her arm away. “Get me a hand towel or something before we go.”

Jeonghan watches quietly throughout their hospital visit as she gets treated. It’s not deep and won’t cause lasting damage, but they have to give her a few stitches and she’ll probably need to take some time off of work to recover. Both Y/N and Jeonghan give a half-hearted laugh when one of the nurses joke that it must have been some wedding. Jeonghan had almost forgotten in the midst of the fight and the rush to the hospital that they’re still in wedding clothes.

It’s nearly 7am when they get back to their hotel room and they don’t bother changing into pajamas and going to bed because they need to be at the airport for a flight in a matter of hours and neither of them will be getting any sleep anyway. They sit on opposite sides of the deck in their travel clothes in silence. Jeonghan asks the question he fears the most. “What now?”

He doesn’t have to look at her to know she’s crying. He can hear it in her voice and it feels like a knife in his chest. “I don’t know, Hannie. I need some time.” He feels like he could cry too now.

Jeonghan gives Y/N time. It’s a painful task, and he takes up a few extra assignments at work to stay busy. It’s an excuse to not go home to an empty apartment and think about any of this mess, really, but his supervisor is willing to offer him overtime to get some things done so he takes it. 

He’s waiting on a call from Y/N and that hasn’t come yet, but others certainly have. Seungcheol video calls from Greece to check in and Jeonghan slaps on a smile for him because he knows Seungcheol will get on a plane to kick his ass the moment he knows he’s done something to Y/N. Sora has also called him, but he’s been dodging those pretty aggressively. 

The one that surprises him is Joshua, who is friendly enough when he asks if they can meet for a drink. This is far from the typical for the two of them because they’ve never particularly been buddies, but Jeonghan agrees because it’s a way to find out how Y/N is doing. Jeonghan’s almost sure that the whole point of Joshua asking to meet is to give him a good reaming, but he’ll accept it if he can get a few answers out of it. 

It’s been a week and a half since the wedding when their schedules finally align and Joshua is already sitting at a table in scrubs when Jeonghan arrives. Things are pleasant enough as they order a round of drinks but Joshua kicks things off soon after those drinks arrive and the waiter has walked away. “You’re kind of a dick, do you know that?”

Jeonghan purses his lips. “Is that your opinion? Or is that Y/N’s right now?” He asks this despite fearing the answer. But the radio silence from Y/N since they arrived home has been totally unnerving and he can only imagine the worst now. 

“Oh, that’s my opinion. She hasn’t said much about it. I had to pry what little information I got out of her. So now I’m here to ask you. What the fuck happened?” Joshua demands. 

Jeonghan gives him a skeptical look. “I thought you’d be thrilled that I fucked up, what with the fact that you’re half in love with her.”

Joshua adopts a glare. “We’ll circle back to that. I want to know what happened and why she’s not moved from her bed in days.” Jeonghan’s eyes squeeze shut. So it wasn’t just him suffering, huh. It somehow didn’t make him feel any better.

With a sigh, Jeonghan sits up. “The short answer is that Sora came on to me right before the ceremony and Y/N saw it. Sora’s a sore subject for both of us.”

“She came on to you, or you let her come onto you?” Joshua asks coldly.

Jeonghan chews on the inside of his cheek. “I see your point…” Jeonghan rubs his eyes. “Sora has a talent for worming her way into my mind and making me doubt things. I guess I’m not totally impervious to it now like I thought. That’s what she was doing right before Y/N came in.”

“And what exactly was she making you doubt?” Joshua presses and Jeonghan gives him a look. “I’m serious. I’d like to think I know Y/N pretty well and I’d like to set some things straight for you if I can.”

“Why would you help me with that?” Jeonghan hisses in confusion. Joshua gives him a dry look that makes Jeonghan huff. “Sora and I broke up because she wanted to get married and I didn’t. She gave me an ultimatum and I broke things off. And then Y/N and I got together and I felt differently about the topic with her. I’ve been ring shopping already for fuck’s sake.” Jeonghan sighs. “But then Sora overheard Y/N make a comment to you that she wouldn’t be doing anything like the wedding we were attending, and Sora implied that it meant that she didn’t want to get married to me, period. And then there’s you, in general.”

Joshua reels back in his seat. “Me? What do I have to do with this?”

Jeonghan sputtered in barely contained frustration. “What do you mean? You’re her male roommate, who she’s dated and slept with, and who is in love with her. Anyone in my position would have some feelings about that.” Jeonghan huffs but his jaw drops as Joshua begins to laugh. As it turns into a cackle, it starts getting the attention of the tables around them. “What is so fucking funny?” Jeonghan snaps.

“What’s so fucking funny is how dense you are,” Joshua snickers, trying to calm himself. 

“Then explain to me what I should be seeing here,” Jeonghan bites. 

Joshua waves him off. “Fine. She’s not into me.” He’s waving his hands in amusement again. “She hasn’t been since that stunt we pulled back in college. And yes, I’m into her. I’m not an idiot. But because I’m not an idiot, I know not to push my luck. We’re just friends. Our friends have tried to set us up for eight years with zero success, but they continued only because they know how I feel, and only stopped when she started dating you.”

“And not a single thing has happened since college?” Jeonghan asks doubtfully.

This has Joshua laughing again as he shakes his head. “No. Trust me, if I thought for a moment it would have worked before you guys got together I would have made a move, but I know I’m just a friend to her. You could have just asked her that. Actually, you should have just have asked her that months ago if it bothered you.”

Jeonghan buries his head in his hands and groans. “I didn’t want to make her think I didn’t trust her, because I do. It’s my own insecurity to deal with. And after the wedding, she didn’t exactly give me an opportunity to say much before she started breaking stuff.” Jeonghan pops his head up to look at Joshua. “How’s her hand anyway?”

Joshua shrugs. “Fine. She got her stitches out, but Dr. Hwang is making her take time off to fully recover. Surgeons kind of need their hands to be fully functional.” Joshua gives him a moment to take in the news before he moves on. “Now what are you going to do to fix this?”

“I don’t know. Does she even want me to? Do you?”

“Let me rephrase,” Joshua takes on a firm voice that has Jeonghan’s head shooting up. “Fix this or I’ll be making a move.” Jeonghan’s mind freezes.

“But you just said she wasn’t into you,” Jeonghan says weakly.

Joshua is glaring again and Jeonghan had no idea he had such dramatic mood swings until this conversation. “You’ve left her in a position where she might finally be open to it if I play my cards right. Now let me help you fix this, or I’ll be going home to have a talk of my own.”

“Why would you do that?” Joshua gives Jeonghan a blank stare at his question. “I mean, why would you help me if you want her too?”

“She’s really happy with you when you’re not making out with your ex. So, what will it be?”

The next day, Jeonghan sits in a cafe, leg bouncing nervously. He looks out of the window and people watches, but he’s not really taking it in. He’s rehearsing over and over again in his head what he wants to say. He’s had enough of this whole situation and it’s time to make it right. 

The chair across from him slides out and a woman sits. Jeonghan gestures to the coffee in front of her. She smiles widely and says thanks, but Jeonghan doesn’t return the smile or give her a response. Her smile fades a bit. “So, you wanted to talk?”

Jeonghan looks at Sora for a long moment. She’s beautiful and he’s always thought so. She’s also intelligent. She’s a marketing manager for a firm that serves some of the top companies in the country, and she’s very good at her job. That’s actually how they started dating. Her beauty and intelligence were two of the qualities that attracted him to her initially. 

The third thing that attracted him to her was how obviously she was into him. Jeonghan admits he likes to be admired, particularly when he was younger and attention from pretty women was everything to him, and Sora had always done that. He can see she still admires him from where he’s sitting right now. 

But over the years, he realized that those three things were double edged swords. She used her beauty to charm others to get what she wanted, and then when that didn’t work, she used her intelligence to manipulate people into doing what she wanted. And even the admiration she had for him turned sour when it became intense jealousy with the primary target being Y/N. 

No, he knows he made the right choice in walking away from her last year, because he knows he’d never want to marry her and spend the rest of his life with her. And he needs to set some things straight with her, regardless of what happens with Y/N from this point forward. 

“We need to iron some things out,” Jeonghan starts and Sora nods, a bit of hope in her eyes. Jeonghan bites his tongue because he’s about to dash it. “I don’t want to be with you.” 

The light in her eyes goes out right away and she grips the plastic coffee cup a little tighter. “What?”

“I do not want to be with you,” he repeats firmly. “You might be under the impression that something changed when you came onto me right before the wedding. It didn’t.” 

Sora’s chin wobbles. “But… I heard you and Y/N broke up. I thought that’s why you called me. To fix things between us.”

Jeonghan shakes his head. He’s not sure how Sora knows any of this because he’s not talking about it and Joshua implied that Y/N isn’t either, but it doesn’t really matter right now. “No. Technically Y/N and I haven’t broken up, but I can’t say for sure that it’s not coming. But regardless of what happens between Y/N and I, whether we fix it or not, I need you to know where I stand.” He doesn’t feel much when her eyes water because he’s certain it’s a weapon. 

“What does she have that I don’t?” Jeonghan doesn’t have an answer, so Sora crosses her arms and leans back in her chair, looking outside at the street. “It was always like this, Jeonghan. I had such a big crush on you in college, and you never looked at me unless Y/N happened to be the one bringing us together. She chased after every other guy but you, and I watched you watch her do it.” Sora angrily wipes tears off her cheeks. “And then we graduated and my firm did that project with your company. And I asked you out and you said yes. But she was always right fucking there,” she hisses. Jeonghan stays silent.

“And it was such a blessing when she got too busy with med school and you guys started to drift. I thought maybe I had you. Just me. I finally didn’t have to share you. But that didn’t seem to matter if you never wanted to marry me. Tell me, do you want to marry her?” Sora snaps. Jeonghan blinks at her and she scoffs. “Naturally. Yet another thing she has that I don’t.”

“Sora…” Jeonghan starts. “I think it’s always been her. Even when we were kids. No one else had a chance if she was an option. I recognize how unfair that is to you, and I’m sorry about that, genuinely. I don’t think I’d be very happy either if roles were reversed for us. But you need to stop trying to sabotage everything for her.” He watches Sora’s eyes widen a bit. “I know you tried to ruin the dress orders twice and that you actually did destroy her dress. You’re really lucky that Seungcheol and Byeol didn’t kick you out of the wedding when they found out. Y/N managed to talk them out of it. Not to mention trying to break into our apartments and her devices.”

Sora’s chin is trembling again. “So this is it? It’s always going to be her.”

Jeonghan bites his lip and only hesitates a beat before nodding. Sora deflates, grabbing her bag and her coffee. “Fine. Fuck you for wasting five years of my life.” Jeonghan watches her march out of the cafe, but he stays for a while gathering his thoughts. For good measure, he pulls out his phone and blocks her. 

Y/N looks in the full length mirror. She looks fine, she supposes, but she really wishes she was still in bed right now. Instead, she’s in a dress and heels, with her hair and makeup done. She can’t believe she’s entertaining this request. 

Joshua had come to her room last night when he got off work, beaming. Y/N had introduced him to Ara at the wedding reception two weeks ago and it seemed like they’d hit it off right away. They’d gone out for coffee once since getting back home and Joshua told Y/N that he’d finally asked her to dinner. Y/N had given him a half smile from under her covers and told him that she hoped it went well. She meant it and felt like they’d be a good match. Y/N had narrowed her eyes when Joshua smirked. 

“You could actually help me with that, now that you mention it.”

“How so?” Y/N asked cautiously. 

“You know Ara well and you know me well. How about a double date so you can help us out?”

Y/N had buried her head under the covers in an attempt to not cry. “Joshua, I’m not interested in a double date. You should know that.”

Her covers had been yanked away from her head as Joshua sat down. “Don’t consider it a double date then. Consider it going to dinner and helping out two of your best friends. You don’t even have to look at the guy. He’s a coworker of Ara’s that wants to give his stamp of approval on me anyway. He’s not there for a double date either, really.” Y/N is still pouting up at him. “Please, Y/N? Just a couple hours and a free meal and then you can come back here and hide again. We’re going out for sushi.” He teases.

Y/N had relented because sushi sounded good and Joshua jumped up. “Great! I’ll tell your non-date to come and pick you up at 7:30 tomorrow. Be ready.” He’s half way out of her bedroom before he sticks his head back in. “Wear something nice. Maybe that purple dress.”

She absolutely did not pick out the purple dress. She couldn’t even look at it when she’d opened her closet earlier. Instead, she’s in a silky floral dress that hits her calf but has a slit up the left side. She’s still uncomfortable in it, but it’s more flattering than that damn purple dress in her opinion. She takes her time going to the door when there’s a knock. She’s not interested in dating this poor guy, but he doesn’t need to be subjected to her bad mood, so she does her best to smile when she opens the door. The half-hearted smile drops when she sees who it is. 

“Jeonghan?” He’s dressed up as well, in dress pants, a dress shirt, and a tie. He smiles awkwardly and she notices he’s holding flowers. “What… are you doing here?” She asks carefully. 

“I hear we’re going on a date.”

Y/N’s eyes narrowed. So Joshua’s been plotting. Y/N holds the door open with her heeled foot, crossing her arms. “Is that so?”

Jeonghan’s smile dims a little. “That was the plan anyway… I’m realizing that I maybe shouldn’t have listened to Joshua.”

Y/N stares at him for a long moment. He looks nervous, something that Jeonghan rarely is. And he’s gone as far as to meet with Joshua and plot something like this just to see her. Silently, she holds the door open, stepping out of the way. After a beat, Jeonghan enters. When the door is closed, he awkwardly hands her the flowers. They’re a variety of different colored daisies and it butters her right up because they’re her favorite. He glances down at her dress. “They match,” Jeonghan muses. 

Grabbing the flowers, Y/N walks to the kitchen to find a vase. She can’t let some flowers soften her up that much so quickly. Jeonghan’s still hovering in the entry way when she comes back, placing the vase on the dining room table. She keeps her distance, crossing her arms again. “Thanks for the flowers.”

“Of course,” Jeonghan says easily. When she doesn’t respond, he bites his lip. “I’m sorry we plotted this thing. I could have just called you, but I chickened out every time.”

“Why?” Y/N finds herself asking.

“Because you wanted time? And because I was afraid of what you’d say when you were done with that time? Still am, frankly, but I was starting to feel like I was going to crawl out of my skin if I didn't see you.” 

Y/N looks at the flowers. “Is there even a double date?”

Jeonghan laughs, sounding embarrassed. “No, there’s not. It’s just us if we go.”

“What do you want to do?” Y/N asks and Jeonghan just blinks at her for a few moments.

“I want to talk to you. And maybe fix this if you’ll let me. I don’t care if that’s at a restaurant or here or anywhere else for that matter.”

Y/N looks around her apartment for a moment before plopping down into one of the dining room chairs, crossing her legs and arms. “Order us some food. I don’t want to have this conversation in public.” She watches Jeonghan’s face fill with anxiety - or rather more anxiety than before. She shakes her head. “If I’m going to cry while eating sushi, I want it to be in private. That’s all.”

Her words don’t seem to release any of Jeonghan’s anxiety and he moves in slow motion, sliding out the chair across from her and pulling out his phone. Y/N watches the TV that’s still playing in the next room and Jeonghan lets her until the food gets there. He gets the order at the door when it arrives and places her food in front of her. They eat in crushing silence, despite neither of them having much of an appetite. 

Finally, Y/N says, “Explain this to me.”

Jeonghan sucks in a breath and exhales slowly, trying to remain calm. “Sora came in just a couple minutes before you did. She fixed my tie and I let her because I knew we were running late, but she started an argument before we could leave.” Jeonghan scoffs, looking at the flowers because he’s afraid of what kind of expression Y/N might be wearing. “The thing is, Sora is a master manipulator. I see it now, but I didn’t for a long time. She knows just the right thing to say to win every argument. She always has. In this particular one, she said she overheard you talking to Joshua. Something about how you wouldn’t be doing all of this when you got married. She twisted it to make it sound like you wouldn’t marry me at all and it fucked with me because I knew we’d talked about this already. That stupid marriage pact is the whole reason we even started exploring this relationship.” Jeonghan runs a hand down his face. “And then there was Joshua.”

“Joshua?” Y/N gives him a quizzical look. “What does he have to do with this?”

Jeonghan bit back a scoff. He shouldn’t be surprised that she didn’t know how Joshua felt, but he’s not about to tell her. Joshua might have his own second chance if this conversation goes south, anyway. “Sora overheard you guys talking about being set up by your friends. I hadn’t known about it. And I’ll be honest, Joshua isn’t my favorite person. I don’t think I’m a jealous person, but his relationship with you made me insecure for years.” 

Y/N stares at him for a few moments. “Made? That’s not the case anymore?”

Jeonghan hesitates. “There are still things that I have to come to terms with, but he’s set me straight on the important things. And before you start yelling at me, he’s already told me I should have just talked to you about it.”

Y/N’s jaw is tight. “And how does all of that lead to you making out with Sora?”

“She got into my head. I shouldn’t have let her, because I knew how she was by then. But I started to doubt a lot of things about us and then suddenly she was kissing me. I swear I didn’t start it and I didn't want it. I was just too stunned to push her away immediately and then you were right there.” Jeonghan puts his head in his hands. “God, that sounds so fucking lame. What a fucking cliche.”

There’s a long beat of silence. So long in fact that Jeonghan thinks things are done now and she’ll be showing him the door and blocking his number. His eyes are starting to burn when he hears a laugh. It’s one he’s never heard from her and his head snaps up to look at her. There’s something twisted about it, maybe painful even. It makes his eyes burn more because it doesn’t sound good. “Yeah, it is. It’s right out of a bad movie.” She swipes a hand down her face. “How did we get here, Hannie?”

Jeonghan scoffs. “I don’t know, angel.” There’s a little bit of light that fills her eyes when he says her nickname. But he doesn’t want to get his hopes up. A little nickname won’t fix this. “What now? Do we break up? Try to go back to being friends if we can?”

Y/N does a little more staring, pursing her lips. “Is that what you want?”

“No!” Jeonghan cried before clenching his jaw tight. “What I mean is… If I have a say, I want to fix this and be with you again. But I don’t have a say here. You do. If you choose to just be friends or never see me again, that’s fair too.”

“What would you do about Sora if I agreed to see you again?” Y/N asked carefully.

“No matter what you pick, she’s gone for good. We’ve already had a conversation and even if she tried to reach out, she’s blocked.” 

“You don’t want her back?” Y/N is still careful. 

“No,” Jeonghan insisted. “I want you however I can have you.”

“Prove it.”

Jeonghan’s eyes widen. “How? I’ll do whatever you want.”

Y/N is out of her seat now, walking around the table. Her hand lands on his shoulder softly and he stares up at her, transfixed but too afraid to reach out just yet. “Do you remember our first visit to Greece? The question you asked me in the pool that night?” 

Jeonghan feels his eyes glaze over a bit thinking about that night and he shakes it off quickly. “What about it? Do you… want to recreate that night?” It sounds too good to be true when he says it so it comes out totally unsure. He watches Y/N take on a mischievous look. 

“Something like that.” Her hand goes to the back of his neck, threading through his hair. “Tell me, would you call yourself pretty dominant in bed?” 

Fighting to keep his eyes open due to her touch, Jeonghan nods. “Typically.” He doesn’t know why she’s asking because they’ve been having sex for the better part of a year now. She knows he is. 

“And you have an overstimulation kink?” Jeonghan nods stiffly at her question. He’s so clueless about where this is going because he came here thinking she would be breaking up with him as soon as she opened the door. Y/N smirks. “I’d like to see if I do too. Let me try.”

Jeonghan’s mouth goes dry, wide eyes looking up at her. “Let me get this right. You’ll take me back if you get to overstimulate me.”

Y/N is still threading through his hair. “I was going to take you back anyway after your explanation. I just so happen to want to have you any way I can have you too.” Her voice takes on a gentle tone and Jeonghan feels like he could cry at the sound. “So, what do you think?”

“Of course,” Jeonghan says simply. “Do whatever you want.”

Jeonghan watches a look he’s never seen take over her face. It has him hardening in his pants before she even tightens her grip on his hair, tilting his head back slightly. “Open.” He blindly does, and two fingers press into his mouth. His eyes drift close as he wraps his mouth around them. “Eyes open, Hannie.” He follows her soft instructions, eyes snapping open. That look is still on her face as she gently pumps her fingers in and out of his mouth. It’s borderline embarrassing how something so little has him keening. Her fingers pull out of his mouth abruptly. “Slide your chair back.” 

Clumsily, he does and he flat out moans when her hand lands on his clothed cock. She’s leaning with her face and chest directly in front of him and his breathing catches at the sight. Y/N presses a small kiss to his lips that he chases because it’s the first in two weeks. “Same rules that you always give me apply. Tell me when to stop or tap me three times. Okay?” Jeonghan nods and the hand at the back of his head grips in warning. “Words, baby.” 

The name melts him. He’s always Hannie. Baby is new. “Okay.” The hand on his crotch begins to rub and he wants to reach out to her to grab her but he doesn’t know how any of this works. This power dynamic is totally new to him. “Can I touch you?”

Y/N places another sweet kiss on his lips before grinning. “No. Not yet.” A whine threatens to crawl up his throat but he suppresses it and nods, fingers digging into the seat of his chair. 

Her hand reaches for his belt and she unhooks it quickly. Then the button and zipper of his pants. When the fabric falls open, she palms him through his boxers and he’s becoming embarrassingly desperate for more of anything rapidly. When she starts to pull that fabric down, his hips jump up from the seat to help her. His cock slaps against his stomach and he stares up at her when she doesn’t reach for him right away. It’s occurring to him that this might not just be about overstimulation, but edging as well. And based on the expression she’s wearing, she’s enjoying it. 

Y/N reaches for his tie, loosening the knot a bit, toying with the fabric. “You can use it,” he finds himself saying. Her eyes widen, grin spreading across her face. 

“I’ll keep that in mind. I’m going to learn a lot about you tonight, aren't I?” Then her lips are on his again and her hand finally finds his cock. He moans right into her mouth at the feeling. He’s already so sensitive that he’s close to the edge with just a few pumps of her hand. 

“Angel, I’m going to come,” he mutters into her mouth and it becomes a whine when she pulls her hand away. She’s still kissing his lips lightly. 

“Be a good boy, okay?” He feels like he could come untouched at the words, but he nods anyway. He’s surprised when she throws her leg across his lap, straddling his thighs as her dress rides up. She’s not quite where he wants her, but her hand is all of the sudden, working him up again. His nails dig into the wood of the chair painfully now. She’s kissing him again and he can barely react when her tongue touches his. “Tell me when you’re close,” she demands. 

“Close,” he responds immediately, and just like before, her hand leaves him. He throws his head back, catching his breath. “Did not take you for having an edging kink,” he laughs and his heart soars when she giggles and he can’t even be mad about the lost orgasm. Then her hand is on him, working him up again. It takes so little time before he’s mumbling ‘close’ again. 

“Do you care for this shirt and tie?” She asks lightly, free hand toying with the tie and tugging it a bit. Jeonghan shakes his head. He cares very little for them right now because they’re in the way. “Good. You can come, baby. Go ahead and ruin them.”

He does with just a few more pumps of her hand and his vision goes white for a moment. She’s worked him up hard the last two times and this first orgasm slams into him. Just when he thinks he can catch his breath, he realizes she’s not stopping her movements and a broken moan leaves his throat. “You can touch me for now.” At her words, his hands fly up to her hips, gripping hard. There’s something painful about the intensity he’s feeling, and Y/N kisses his lips a few times. “Remember, stop me or tap me.” He doesn’t because there’s something so nice about the intensity at the same time. He feels his eyes burn again. 

“Close,” he mumbles again. 

“Go on,” Y/N says simply. Tears prick his eyes and begin to leak out of the corners at the overwhelm of tipping over the edge again so soon, but this time, Y/N does let go of him when he’s done riding it out. His shirt is already ruined, so she places her messy hand on his shoulder. The other one pulls him by the back of his head into her neck and his arms wrap around her instantaneously. Her fingers play with his hair as she lets him catch his breath. 

“I love you,” he mumbles into her neck, placing a kiss there. 

“I love you too, Hannie,” she says back with ease. 

He pulls back to look up at her. A few sweet kisses later and he’s grinning. “I think I could handle more.” Y/N gives him another mischievous look. 

Much, much later, Jeonghan is laying on her chest in bed. He feels boneless because she does indeed have huge overstimulation and edging kinks and she knows how to use both torturously. Six orgasms and countless lost ones later, he finally calls it. He’s not sure if he’ll move much tomorrow, but they don’t have plans anyway. 

The TV is playing in the background but they aren’t really watching it. Jeonghan feels like he could drift off to sleep at any moment, but he resists because just earlier tonight he didn’t know if he would be here ever again. It still feels too good to be true in a way. 

“Hannie?” Y/N says. 

“Yeah?”

“For the record, I would marry you tomorrow. I would have ten times over by now. I just meant I wouldn’t have such a typical, hectic wedding. I like the idea of eloping, honestly.” Y/N’s chuckling, but Jeonghan doesn’t. Y/N eventually leans her head up to look down at him. “Hannie?”

“One second,” he says roughly, sliding out of her arms. He sees how her face has dropped and he presses a long, intense kiss to her downturned lips. “I’ll be right back, I promise.” On somewhat clumsy legs, he finds his dress pants in the bathroom floor and digs in the pocket. Y/N is sitting up in bed, covers pulled up to her chest. Jeonghan slides back into bed asks her to open her hands. When she does, he drops the item into her open palms. He watches her stare at it for far too long, so he starts talking. “You told me to buy you a ring when I was ready. I’ve been shopping around for months and finally pulled the trigger yesterday.” He laughs awkwardly. “I had no idea how this conversation tonight would go, but I got it anyway. Even if you had turned me away at the door, I still would have probably given it to you because it’s yours. I could never give it to someone else, because there couldn't be anyone else.” She’s still staring, so Jeonghan nudges her. “Come on, see if I really have good tastes or not.”

Hesitantly, Y/N cracks open the box. “Emerald?” She asks, but it sounds a little tearful. Jeonghan places a hand on her back, rubbing cautiously. Emotions are still high and he’s not sure if this is a good or bad reaction building up. 

“It’s your favorite, isn't it? And you’ve always preferred silver. Plus the diamond encrusting was totally necessary. It didn’t look right without it.”

She laughs in a sort of choked way. “Yeah, you do have good taste.” She takes it out of the cushion and slides it onto her finger. Jeonghan’s heart races. She looks happy, but he still doesn’t have an answer. 

“Good enough to marry me?” He asks weakly.

Y/N grins at him. “I’d say let’s go to the courthouse tomorrow, but I guess we’ll have to wait until Monday. Can you wait that long?”

Jeonghan laughs, a little breathless. “Yeah, I can do that.” 

[detta-pica]

Fanfic Writer Interview

This should be a nice way to wrap up the year.

How many works do you have on AO3?

11. I was actually surprised when I checked. It feels like I’ve written 6 at most.

I started writing fanfic in 2013, then took a really long break from posting. I still wrote (mostly unfinished novel-length stories) and read a lot, but no fandom pulled me in enough to publish my own stories. Until JJK in early 2024.

It’s the tragedy, I think. It’s not that I want to fix canon, I love it for the pain it’s caused me, but I am strongly motivated to write happier outcomes for my ship.

Your top 5 stories by kudos/likes:

The Darkest Deluge - Kingdom Hearts series, Strifehart & Soriku, 123k words (unfinished, on hiatus)

This is a plot-heavy soft sci-fi story with a big cast and four major POVs. At first, I managed regular weekly updates, but then life happened and I took longer and longer breaks. I still intend to finish it. In fact, everything except for the final battle and dénouement is already drafted. The second my JJK obsession fades a little, I’ll sit down and finally get it done.

Born to Die - JJK, stsg, 40k words

My first JJK fic, a plotty, vaguely futuristic vampire AU. I got to play with very interesting themes in this one. I’ve promised a sequel and I will deliver, though I’m not sure when.

So far from you here next to me - JJK, stsg, 25k words

The first part in a magic realism/witch AU. I expected the series to get barely any traction, since it starts with the unresolved romantic tension tag. Each installment is a self-contained case fic, which is my favourite genre, centred around a theme. For this one, it’s grief.

Wisteria, sufficiently looked at - JJK, stsg, 23k words

Part 5 in the same series, themed around forgiveness. This is where the romantic tension finally gets resolved.

Unknown-C - JJK, stsg, 2k words

A silly, fluffy getting together fic. Technically canon compliant, but I’m always hesitant to use that tag when writing about a non-canon ship.

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Every single one, and usually in a timely manner. I also try to match the commenter’s energy, so I’ll leave a long reply to a long comment, and respond to an emoji with an emoji. I want to make sure that each commenter feels appreciated and knows how grateful I am, but also, the reason I write and post fanfic is that I want to be an active participant in my fandom, to be a part of the community. The best way to achieve that, I think, is to interact with people.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

There he is, happy - it’s a canon compliant stsg fic with the MCD archive warning 🤷‍♀️ Alternatively, it’s The Deep Well, but I’m not saying why.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

I’m not sure. I guess Unknown-C is the most lighthearted. Aside from the two stories mentioned above, I haven’t written any properly bad endings, but I mean… I’ve been focusing on themes like death and grief. I can’t claim those are happy fics.

Do you write crossovers?

No. I just don’t find the idea compelling. I might do a fusion someday, though. Specifically, JJK characters in the world of Stardew Valley.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Not once. I have a small audience, so the likelihood of getting hate is really low for me.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Since September this year, yes. What kinds of smut are there? I guess I’m not super interested in writing penetrative sex? I’m a switch/vers shipper focused on mlm ships (unfortunately; I hope to get hooked on a wlw ship some day).

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I sincerely doubt it.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope!

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Also nope. I’d love to try it, but as a discovery writer that plans primarily in themes, I imagine I would be horrible to work with.

What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Listen. I don’t have an all-time favourite anything (except maybe Assam tea, but I haven’t tried every variety out there, so this could very easily change). I go through phases, come back to old ships after years and years, and just generally follow my whim.

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

I have a bunch of WIPs for the early Assassin’s Creed games that I will definitely never finish. They are a decade old.

What are your writing strengths?

Plot? Despite planning in themes, I think my stories are usually plot-driven. I’ve been told my characterisation tends to be true to canon, though that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s strong… Oh! I think I’m good at echoing the original material in different ways, usually through AUs, to explore canon themes from new angles.

Also, worldbuilding. I mostly write AUs, so it’s kind of a given, but I think of myself as a worldbuilder first, writer second.

What are your writing weaknesses?

Action scenes are definitely one. I find the choreography of a fight horribly boring (to read and to write), so I tend to fast-forward through them.

Character voice. I’ve seen people do absolutely incredible things with POV characters. I want to be that good. I will probably never be that good.

Originality of structure, if that makes sense. I think fanfic is an incredible medium for trying out new formats, pretty much without any constraints. But even though I really want to do fun things with story format and structure, I end up falling into safe habits.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

It can be great if it serves a purpose. Sometimes, hiding information from the reader/achieving vibes over understanding is the goal. It can also be useful for settling the reader more firmly in the POV. But it’s the sort of tool that should be used very sparingly, or else it will become frustrating.

What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet but want to?

The Old Guard’s Joe/Nicky. Maybe when the sequel finally comes out? Also Arcane’s Silco/Vander. Unfortunately I can only do one fandom at a time, and I haven’t yet been released from my current obsession.

What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

Oh wow. Hm. I’m gonna say Born to Die, because it was the beginning of my writing journey in a new fandom and it got me out of a fanfic writing slump that had lasted years. Also, it was my first, raw attempt at working through my JJK-related feelings, so it’ll always be special to me in that way.

Thank you @hollow-lime-green for tagging me! This was fun :)

Tagging @poolnoodling and anyone else who’d enjoy doing this!

[createyourownnarrative]

Acceptance. Understanding. Coming to terms.

Not sure how to start this. I am currently using voice to text because of numbness and neuropathy in my hands. I am finding it difficult to type.

The last four years, I feel a constant state of loss. Not just the loss of my health and abilities, but loss of my identity, my purpose, the list goes on. Much like my symptom list. It just goes on and on. Most days I’m overwhelmed and distressed, living with Long Covid.

Many people ask me if I still do photography. I’m finding it difficult, to have an answer. I haven’t been as active, in the last 4 years, because of my health issues and decided to slow down, to focus on getting well.

Am I still a photographer if I’m not working? Am I still a photographer if I can’t feel the shutter button at my fingertips? Would I still be a photographer if I could no longer shoot? What is my purpose if I can no longer create art? What is my purpose if I can no longer connect with people? What will happen if the cognitive impairment in my brain, from having Covid, is permanent? I feel it every day. What happens when you can no longer trust yourself? So many heavy questions infiltrate my mind constantly.

I miss feeling part of a community and being able to contribute to building culture and relationships. I miss talking about art, and learning. I miss representing my community and human connection.

I feel like after I got sick, all I do is let people down. I can’t show up the way I want to, or the way that is expected of me. It’s been really hard. It hurts that I can’t feel reliable because of this. It’s been hard to feel strong or any kind of confidence at all.

Long Covid and identity. ANY Chronic illness and identity. How do we cope? How do we answer these questions for ourselves? How do we find our new purpose, new limits? How do we navigate this new life? What happens, if I can’t work anymore? What is the meaning of life? Of my life?

[perfectlyvalid49]

So, I got to have a “fun” experience yesterday.

My son is in first grade, and on Sunday mornings he has Sunday school from 9:30-11:30. Our synagogue actually has a lot of kids programming on Sunday mornings – the aforementioned school for kindergarteners and 1st graders, a music hour for younger kids, sometimes parties if there’s a nearby holiday. The Channukah party was two weeks ago, and yesterday they were actually going to be holding a parents’ forum to get feedback on what we want in a new clergy member because we’re looking to hire.

So at 9:25, my whole family is getting out of the car, meeting up with some of the other parents and chatting. My daughter runs ahead – she’s only four, but she’s trying to get into the school to see if she can talk the teachers into letter her come to class. She thinks it’s neat that there’s a second alphabet for her to learn and doesn’t want to wait until next year. My son and one of his friends run after her, so my husband runs after them so that the kids are supervised while I stay behind to help some friends unload their 1 year old and associated gear (stroller, diaper bag, etc.) from their car.

Everybody is laughing and having a good time, but as we start walking toward the door, we see that my husband is hustling the kids back to the cars. I ask him what’s up and he says that everything is canceled for the day and we should leave. Our friends ask why, and once he’s sure the kids aren’t paying attention, he tells us that there’s been a threat, and while they don’t think anything will actually happen, they’re playing it safe and cancelling all activities for the day. He didn’t have any more details than that.

We quickly made plans and wound up hosting an impromptu play date at our house, and the kids seemed mostly fine with it, though they did ask several times why school was cancelled, because it seemed weird. We distracted them with legos and some painting kits.

And everything wound up being fine. I have not heard any news, so I don’t think anything actually happened, but I agree that acting with an abundance of caution was the correct call. And obviously, nothing happening is better than something happening, but not having the threat in the first place would be best of all. I’m still trying to process it. Part of me is like, if whoever it is picked a Sunday instead of Saturday, then they can’t be very bright, as there are a lot more people present on Saturday. But part of me wonders if they picked Sunday instead because they were deliberately targeting young families/children. And that makes me worry too, because there’s a preschool/daycare in the building.

I still haven’t given my kids a good explanation for why school was cancelled yesterday. We told them that the teachers just decided that it wasn’t a good day for class, but I don’t think it answered all their questions. I’m hoping that they forget about it, because I don’t really know what else to tell them. I’ve said before that I want to protect them from the fact that some people want to hurt them just because they’re Jewish for at least a while longer. I don’t think they’re ready. I know I’m not ready.

I’m not worried about going back to my synagogue. I think their policies and procedures are sound, and they have a longstanding good relationship with local law enforcement. Since the beginning of October, they’ve increased security in a bunch of ways, and while I hate that it seems necessary, stuff like yesterday makes it feel like a good idea.

I dunno. To relate this to some of the larger conversations happening right now, I think that this is a prime example of antisemitism that is felt by Jewish communities, and invisible outside of them. Like, in the end, nothing wound up happening except a bunch of families getting hustled out of a building. It won’t be reported on, and most people will never know that anything happened. But “nothing” is still me having to figure out what to tell my kids, and plans getting cancelled, and people worrying for their safety. Due to the staggered start times of events, I’m sure our director of family engagement was there for at least 2 hours telling other people to go home, and I can’t even imagine how she must have felt telling people, “Go home, it’s not safe here,” while she stayed. Psychological attacks are still attacks. Even if you don’t hear about them, it doesn’t mean they’re not happening. When Jews tell you that antisemitism is an issue, please believe us.

[whileiamdying]

Sinéad O’Connor, acclaimed Dublin singer, dies aged 56

The Irish musician found worldwide fame with hit single Nothing Compares 2 U in 1990

Sarah Burns Wed Jul 26 2023 - 18:31

Irish singer Sinéad O’Connor has died at the age of 56, her family has announced.

In a statement, the singer’s family said: “It is with great sadness that we announce the passing of our beloved Sinéad. Her family and friends are devastated and have requested privacy at this very difficult time.”

The acclaimed Dublin performer released 10 studio albums, while her song Nothing Compares 2 U was named the number one world single in 1990 by the Billboard Music Awards.

Her version of the ballad, written by musician Prince, topped the charts around the globe and earned her three Grammy nominations.

The accompanying music video, directed by English filmmaker John Maybury, consisted mostly of a close-up of O’Connor’s face as she sung the lyrics and became as famous as her recording of the song.

In 1991, O’Connor was named artist of the year by Rolling Stone magazine on the back of the song’s success.

Ms O’Connor was presented with the inaugural award for Classic Irish Album at the RTÉ Choice Music Awards earlier this year.

The singer received a standing ovation as she dedicated the award for the album, I Do Not Want What I Haven’t Got, to “each and every member of Ireland’s refugee community”.

“You’re very welcome in Ireland. I love you very much and I wish you happiness,” she said.

Taoiseach Leo Varadkar led the tributes to O’Connor, expressing his sorrow at the death of the singer in a post on social media.

“Her music was loved around the world and her talent was unmatched and beyond compare. Condolences to her family, her friends and all who loved her music,” said Mr Varadkar.

Tánaiste Micheál Martin said he was “devastated” to learn of her death.

“One of our greatest musical icons, and someone deeply loved by the people of Ireland, and beyond. Our hearts goes out to her children, her family, friends and all who knew and loved her,” he said.

Ms O’Connor is survived by her three children. Her son, Shane, died last year aged 17.

She drew controversy and divided opinion during her long career in music and time in public life.

In 1992, Ms O’Connor tore up a photograph of Pope John Paul II on US television programme Saturday Night Live in an act of protest against sex abuse in the Catholic Church.

“I’m not sorry I did it. It was brilliant,” she later said of her protest. “But it was very traumatising,” she added. “It was open season on treating me like a crazy bitch.”

The year before that high-profile protest, she boycotted the Grammy Awards, the music industry’s answer to the Oscars, saying she did not want “to be part of a world that measures artistic ability by material success.”

She refused the playing of US national anthem before her concerts, drawing further public scorn.

In more recent years, O’Connor became better known for her spiritualism and activism, and spoke publicly about her mental health struggles.

In 2007, Ms O’Connor told US talkshow Oprah Winfrey that she had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder four years previously and that before her diagnosis she had struggled with thoughts of suicide and overwhelming fear.

She said at the time that medication had helped her find more balance, but “it’s a work in progress”.

Ms O’Connor had also voiced support for other young women performers facing intense public scrutiny, including Britney Spears and Miley Cyrus.

The singer converted to Islam in 2018 and changed her name to Shuhada Sadaqat, though continued to perform under the name Sinéad O’Connor. In 2021, Ms O’Connor released a memoir Rememberings, while last year a film on her life was directed by Kathryn Ferguson.

Broadcaster Dave Fanning said Ms O’Connor would be remembered for her music and her “fearlessness” and “in terms of how she went out there all the time, believed in everything she was doing, wasn’t always right and had absolutely no regrets at all”.

American rapper and actor Ice T has paid tribute to O’Connor, saying she “stood for something”, after her death at the age of 56.

In a Twitter post, he wrote: “Respect to Sinead….. She stood for something ... Unlike most people ... Rest Easy”.

Musician Tim Burgess of Northern Ireland band Ash said: “Sinead was the true embodiment of a punk spirit. She did not compromise and that made her life more of a struggle. Hoping that she has found peace.”

Penguin Books Ireland, which published her memoir ‘Rememberings’, said they were “so sorry” to hear of the death of the singer.

“Sinéad was a once in a generation talent and we were honoured to publish her memoir ‘Rememberings’,” they said. “We would like to extend our heartfelt condolences to her family and friends.”

Sarah Burns is a reporter for The Irish Times.

[builtbybrokenbells]

ive stuck to posting mostly fic content on this blog, and i will remain doing so from here on out. but in light of a certain post made, I came here to air out some feelings, I suppose. not in attempt to draw the light away from anybody, but more like a reflection in response.

from the minute i discovered gvf it was almost like a breath of fresh air. in the time listening to them, as an aspiring musician, artist, writer, or whatever the fuck I am, I’ve found great solace and inspiration in the four boys we love so much. today, i found a piece of home within them, too, but more specifically, from Josh.

i grew up and, unfortunately, still reside in a little, homophobic town that is nothing if not dedicated to normalcy. it has been a devastating twenty years of life knowing that my existence is abnormal to others, including some family and friends, and they would prefer if i remain quiet about it. ive lost friends, family, acquaintances, you name it, just because i was born the way i am. just the other day, there were news reporters in front of my apartment building seeking opinions on a lgbtq+ bill for youth passed by the government. that’s right, opinion, on the human rights of very real children that walk on the same streets they were spewing their hate on.

I’ve always been quite comfortable with who am sexuality-wise. from a very young age, to now, it has never been a debate or shameful idea to me. I’ve been very loud and proud, and will remain so. my gender, not so much. less than a month ago, i finally voiced my proper pronouns to the first person ever, after years of struggle with it. i still haven’t told family, or properly ‘came out’ (because, if you know me, you would know that i think the whole idea of coming out is quite ridiculous) and i have no plans on doing so in any intimate manner. but, today, a bit of courage bled into me from one of the people I look up to most, and i told a bit more of the world about myself.

to say i am beyond proud of josh for his transparency is not enough. what he did, although some would disagree, was one of the most courageous things a person in any type of spotlight could do. i surround myself with only a few people, and i have yet to find the power within myself to tell the closest to me, who i am. what i am more moved by, is that he used his platform to not only make himself known, but vocally and actively join an ongoing battle that many believe is already over. he was already such a beacon of light and love, that i did not believe he could be any more so. today, i happily admit that the idea was wholly untrue. not because of his sexuality or anything like that; he’s still the same Josh he has always been. but because his own moral was so strong that he, without fear, showed an intimate part of himself to the entire world, and guided others on how to help the cause in the process. it is admirable to be proud of who you are, but even more so to educate and inspire others while doing it.

being so vulnerable, especially in the public eye, is terrifying. being a beacon of light and love in a world full of hate and darkness is also terrifying. he did both today with grace and strength, and as someone who’s been actively fighting this fight for my entire lifetime, i am beyond words. i said a lot of things here, but nothing can truly amount to how i feel. i cannot articulate the feelings accurately, and in place of that, i ramble.

basically, if you stuck through this, thanks. if you use this angels sexuality against him in any way, i will find you. if this changed the way you view him, you didn’t deserve him in the first place. together, these four boys have created a community of love and all things that come with it; if you are not willing to give it back to them, or right now, him specifically, this is not the place for you. remember, as proud/happy/whatever you’re feeling about this, he’s still a person. the same one who you knew months ago, who worked to create the community and music we love and appreciate. that did not change, and there is no need to view him any differently. im certain that if he’s been so private about this for so long, he does not want the world to see him only as such.

so, from the bottom of my heart, the message of my rambling is to say im proud of him, and that im incredibly grateful for the chance to live in the same time as him. I’m even more thankful that his courage has given me some, too. be respectful of him and his privacy, because he is deserving of such (and much more). and, if you also find a piece of his courage within you, im proud of you, too.

as always, be kind, thanks for reading, and don’t mind any grammar mistakes ;) 🫶🏻

[redheadinjapan]

The End and The Beginning: Graduation Ceremony, Farewell Parties, and Entrance Ceremony

It’s about that time of year when school comes to an end, at least, it is in Japan. In America, we’re used to the September to June school schedule, but Japan’s schools run from April to March. This means the school year ended a few weeks ago and is just starting back up after a couple of weeks of spring break (for the students, not really for the teachers, at least not in my area). As such, I’ve just been through a lot of firsts: first graduation ceremony, first farewell party, and first entrance ceremony.

Depending on whether you have one school or many, you may be asked to attend the school’s graduation ceremony and entrance ceremony, which are usually held in the school gym. While I wasn’t asked specifically to attend either, if the day I was there overlapped with when they were happening, the schools made sure I knew where to go and what to do. The graduation ceremony at my middle school was short, about an hour, just long enough to watch the 3rd years (9th graders) graduate. The entrance ceremony at my elementary school, on the other hand, was a little more than an hour, maybe an hour and a half. For that one, they did ask me to stand with all the teachers when they announced our names and classes at the end. The entrance ceremony seemed mostly geared towards welcoming the students and the new teachers, which put me in a strange position because it was my first entrance ceremony, but I wasn’t exactly new. It also sounds like there was another entrance ceremony specifically for the first graders that weekend.

The other important event that comes with the end of the school year is the farewell parties. Known as sobetsukai (送別会) in Japanese, these farewell parties are for the teachers to–well–say farewell to any teachers leaving the school or retiring. They’re held after hours and are a nice, less formal environment to get to know the teachers you work with, especially non-English teachers who you don’t normally talk to. They usually hold events like these throughout the year for teachers to mingle, but because of Covid, this was the first time any of my schools has held one. Or, in my case, two, because two of my four schools invited me. Beware, though, they are hard on your budget. One of my farewell parties was 7,700 yen (about $77) and the other was 100,000 yen ($100)! But as long as you’re willing to pay that, you’re in for a fun night of fancy food and lots of drinks. At one farewell party, they even put bottles of beer on the table for people to pick up and use to refill other’s drinks. One of the English teachers told me this was a typical way to mingle at these parties, but it didn’t happen at the other one, so I can’t be too sure. 

And if you’re lucky, you might also be invited to a second party (nijikai / 二次会) or even a third (sanjikai / 三次会). After the fancy farewell party, any teachers that aren’t ready to go home will head to another bar or izakaya where things get even less formal in the more casual environment. It’s almost a little like barhopping. We went to a separate bar for nijikai at both my schools, and one school invited me to sanjikai which was basically just late-night soba. That school’s teachers said that you have to end the night with noodles, but I haven’t been able to confirm that either.

These end- and beginning-of-the-year events are a great way to become more a part of the community at your school (or schools). It can be especially hard to get involved in everyday things, like clubs and afterschool activities, if you have multiple schools, but these one-day events are a great way to get to know teachers and be there for your students. While the ceremonies might seem tedious, especially if you can’t understand any of the Japanese, and the parties are expensive, I highly recommend them if you want to make the most of your time working at a Japanese school.

[letters-to-teaching]

Teaching in FL with standards while bi and liberal

Letters to Teaching

I hope very much that you will read all of this before commenting. I am a human being and have made my own mistakes, to which I have consistently owned up. That being said, 

CW for general shittiness of US, Florida, gun violence, mental illness, poor treatment of teachers and kids. 

Anyone have time/spoons for a frank and open conversation about teaching in the US, Florida in particular?

Still into it? Please consider whether you’re ready to consume this information. It may end up being surprisingly un-traumatic for you, but for me it’s both rambling and just ~a lot~.  Buckle up, star children. 

So yeah here we go. Diary entry or whatever. March 29 2023, in which I say a few of the many wretched things that have sucked in the last four years. This will take a while but I promise it’s all important. 

What follows is a brief summary of my personal experience and the desperate hope that I can fall in love with teaching again. The classroom used to be my most joyful place, but with each year, particularly after leaving my former position at a wonderful school, the profession that once gave me passion and purpose has increasingly become nothing but a cesspool of dread and broken promises. 

Frankly, my students and my program deserve someone like my 23-yr-old self: willing to do and give every particle of my being to teaching,. Realistically, those teachers shouldn’t be willing to do that. We are not able to do that. We all deserve better pay, more respect, and better training, both social and emotional. Our worth should not be determined by our productivity. 

I’m tired now. I’m so fucking tired and so incredibly devastated to see how much teaching, this school in particular (my alma mater), has warped me. Especially with the comparison between my former school’s response to COVID vs that of my current employer. Mine truly used to be an exceptional school, and I’m devastated to see how far it’s fallen. I thought I could be part of the solution, but here’s what has happened in my time here:

Year 1: accepted a job making the same salary ($46k) as my previous job bc I wanted to be close to my mom and I naively believed that this school shared my pursuit of excellence and inclusivity. Taught 7 classes with no planning period for no extra money. Helped colleagues navigate online challenges during COVID, hosted lunches and socials to help students connect in isolation, and designed entirely new curricula to best support online learning. 

Year 2: Forced (on threat of firing) to teach two periods of English with two week’s notice and neither training nor a textbook. Parents and students were vocal, toxic, and furious that I was drowning and couldn’t keep up with lesson plans and grades. Their concerns were valid, but the administration left me entirely without help. 

Year 3: Began with zero support /confidence and increased scrutiny due to my challenges from the previous year. Admittedly, this lack of respect and support did cause me to be behind often on grading and communication. Written up for (legally) discussing pay when I learned a coworker was making $10 less per hour than I was. Took on all of the classes in my program when my co-teacher (justifiably) bailed due to discrimination and poor treatment with literally a week’s warning, which led to me teaching a lunch class and another period with two classes at the same time for a total of nine preps. From day one, a group of students actively tried to get me fired and intentionally bullied kids away from my program. Admin refused to do anything and blamed me, taking away my entry level classes and functionally killing my program. I expressed that this decision ensured that there was no possibility for growth, but was again ignored without consideration. 

Year 4: intense criticism over the fact that I haven’t been particularly successful in my position. I fully admitted my own part in this. Constant terror that my contract means nothing in an at will state. Two new situations in which I am teaching multiple classes in the same period. This year alone I am generating curricula for 10 unique classes during 6 class periods. 

No matter what happens, I will always be honest. In this hostile environment, my grades ~were~ often  late in my second and third years. Parents complained, students actively worked against me, and I have been paralyzed with fear and largely unable to dig myself out. I am not blameless here, nor have I ever pretended to be. My frustration is the choice of my administrators to place every ounce of the blame upon me. My department chair was told that the classes which could save my program were taken away due to scheduling conflicts, while I was told that they were a punishment for my low recruitment numbers. Whatever improvements I make are ignored, while every mistake is a point of discussion. 

My own dean suggested that I get out as soon as I can. He sees the writing on the wall. 

The one breath of fresh air is the possibility of returning to the only school that treated me reasonably well. The school that I loved, the school I left to be nearer my mother. The school that, despite its own problems, I never forgot. 

The education system is broken. In ten years and three schools, my salary has gone up by $8k (now $46k) while my living expenses have skyrocketed exponentially. I am unable to purchase Expo markers or even notebook paper and pens for my students. 

Teachers and students risk our lives every day we set foot on campus. Our livelihoods are threatened when we speak out. 

I generally try to end posts on a message of hope, but at this point I am sincerely asking for help. America’s teachers are HUNGRY; we are TERRIFIED; we are THREATENED; we face DEATH each day. Help me. Help us. Be a voice for the voiceless. I beg you. I love you. I honor you. 

[akocomyk]

1st Pin

Maybank Performing Arts Theater

There was one thing that kept my life sooo busy in the latter half of the year. Typically, it’s not work; however, it’s almost work-related.

You see, at QBE, we value our employees’ work-life balance and support our people’s well-being. Hence, we have these community advocacy groups (CAGs) that cater to our employees’ diverse interests.

One of those groups is the SynQ Dance Club (SynQ), which started as a group of dancers performing at outreach programs organized by our company.

As part of this year’s health and wellness program, dubbed MobilityCheQ, SynQ scheduled a series of Zumba sessions and various dance classes from May to August.

Part of my role as the Creative Multimedia Communications Specialist is promoting our various engagement activities through our communications channels. That said, I’ve worked a lot with our Inclusion & Wellness team and the POCs of our various CAGs.

Out of my sheer willingness to support these programs (for which I created the promotional materials myself)—and in support of my friends who made an effort to organize these activities—I promised myself I’d participate in all of them whenever I could.

So… yeah, I joined the first Zumba session that SynQ organized. That’s where I first met the group’s members and POCs, most of whom I’d only met virtually during our meetings.

During that Zumba session, Geri, the leader of SynQ, commended me, entertained by the way I danced, and invited me to become a member of their group. I was hesitant at first because, at that point, I was already part of the Pride Council, and our activities for Pride Month were fast approaching. I also intended to join MusiQ—the CAG for singers and musicians.

In the end, I gave in to their invitation. Geri instantly invited me to join their succeeding dance classes—in addition to participating in the Zumba sessions. She also gave me a heads-up that they were planning to join a dance competition in the coming months.

Once we received the competition details, we began preparing. It wasn’t an easy journey. At first, we weren’t sure if our requested budget would be approved—this would determine who our dance coach would be. Thankfully, it was approved, and we got the coach we really wanted.

We started conditioning ourselves, and that’s when I began going to the office frequently to attend training sessions. It wasn’t easy since our training schedule overlapped with my shift, and they didn’t always coincide with the days I had to be in the office for other work-related events. Some weeks, I had to commute from Cavite City to BGC and back four days in a row. Add to that volunteer activities on Saturdays, followed by dance training in the afternoon.

Coincidentally, Nikki and I had already started going steady by this time. He offered me a place to stay in his condo on days I had to be in the office. And… I agreed.

Anyway, training continued. I haven’t had this much dance training since I was a cheerleader in college. Granted, our routine wasn’t as physically demanding as cheerleading, but it still required proper skills and techniques. Having been trained in contemporary ballet, folk dance, and cheerleading, this was my first encounter with street dance genres like hip-hop, femme, dancehall, pop & lock, and waacking.

Of course, during these training sessions, I made new friends at QBE. They were the most fun people to hang out with.

Anywhoooo, the last few days were the most crucial part of our training—and probably some of the most memorable moments I’ve had this year. It was exhausting but surprisingly fun.

And then, judgment day came. We invited all our friends at QBE to watch us perform. As members of the dance group, we were also allowed to invite people outside the company. Naturally, I invited Nikki. He said he’d feel insulted if I didn’t. He even had a company trip that same day but assured me he’d be home before the competition started—and he was.

Being backstage right before our turn reminded me of my cheerleading days, waiting to be called in. The adrenaline. The feeling of your heart stuck in your throat. I hadn’t felt that in more than a decade. It was frightening but exhilarating—like being drunk on adrenaline.

And then, we stepped on stage. That was it. I could see the spotlights, the faces of people smiling as we danced, and I could hear their cheers and applause. At that moment, the only thought in my head was, “Look at me, look at how good I am,” and it pushed me to do my best.

After the performance, I thought we did well. Sadly, we didn’t get a podium finish or even win any special awards. We almost placed third, though—we ranked fourth out of six groups, and the third placer edged us out by only 0.15 points.

I don’t know if it was just their bias, but all our friends who watched thought we deserved at least third place. Even Nikki, my proud and ever-supportive boyfriend, thought so.

Anyway, it is what it is. All groups wanted to win, and it just came down to whom the stars aligned for.

At least we have our friendship. At least we dancers—who were dying to feel the rush of performing on stage—felt it again after a long time.

And yeah, it became my most memorable moment of 2024. Nikki being there and meeting my friends was just the cherry on top. He told me that everything that happened made him happy.

So yeah, there’s still next year. Who knows? Maybe, for the first time in two consecutive years, my most memorable moment will be for the same event.

[beardedmrbean]

At a Wednesday meeting in Sacramento, public safety officials serving on the State 911 Advisory Board questioned why they were kept in the dark about safety issues impacting California’s massive Next Generation 911 project.

The agency responsible for the project, the California Office of Emergency Services (Cal OES) also announced it has stopped all deployment of the new network until it figures out the scope of the problems uncovered by NBC Bay Area’s Investigative Unit.

The advisory board said it has scheduled a special meeting to get to the bottom of their concerns. 

“If this board was misled in any way, whether intentionally or by negligence or by poor communication, that needs to come to light,” said Martinez Police Chief Andrew White, who took over as the advisory board’s chair at the meeting. 

As NBC Bay Area reported last week, the state’s half-billion-dollar project to bring its landline-based emergency 911 network into the internet age has been plagued by years of delays, along with complaints from dispatchers that lost calls, outages and other failures are jeopardizing public safety. 

The California Governor’s Office of Emergency Services recently cut ties with Budge Currier, the man in charge of implementing the state’s NG911 vision. Currier, until his departure, had also chaired the 911 advisory board. 

Board members, however, say they were never told Currier was no longer with Cal OES, nor were they informed of troubling issues encountered by some of the first dispatchers in the state to use the NG911 network, in places such as Tuolumne County and Desert Hot Springs. 

“There was information that came out that certainly, as an advisory board member, that I hadn’t been aware of,” White said.

Other board members echoed White’s concerns.

“Speaking for myself, it caused me to go back and communicate with some of our dispatch centers,” Rodeo-Hercules Fire Protection Bureau Chief Rebecca Ramirez said. “I feel like there hasn’t been enough information on the totality of the system and how it’s working.”

Cal OES officials said they hoped to have answers for the board members at the special meeting scheduled for February, although they had no estimate on when the long-overdue project might be completed.

Cal OES originally estimated the network would be live across the entire state by 2021. Three years later, however, only 22 of California’s 438 emergency dispatch centers are currently taking calls on the NG911 system.

Board members questioned how the state was holding the contractors in charge of building the NG911 accountable for their performance. 

An attorney for Cal OES said the agency can draft a letter to the appropriate vendor if it’s deemed there was a violation in their contract or agreement but did not elaborate further. He said the state is also working on a new audit process for vendors.

NGA, one of the four contractors working on the network, had a representative at the meeting who said the company was actively working with Cal OES to resolve any issues. NBC Bay Area reached out to the other three companies, but they haven’t yet responded.

At the meeting, Cal OES officials also conceded that not every failure with the NG911 system gets publicly reported. 

When asked by NBC Bay Area why an outage in Tuolumne in Tuolumne County that lasted 12 hours in 2022 was never brought up at subsequent advisory board meetings, Cal OES’ attorney said they hope to address such concerns at the next meeting.

NGA is building the network in Tuolumne and said it couldn’t comment on specific outages. But in an email, the company said, “many of these challenges are tied to the legacy infrastructure being phased out as part of the NG-9-1-1 migration."

While board members demanded more transparency and had tough questions for Cal OES officials, they continue to express unwavering support for modernizing California’s aging 911 system.

“California needs NG 911,” said board member Mark Chase on behalf of the California Chapter of the National Emergency Number Association (CALNENA). “CALNENA encourages the Cal OES 9-1-1 branch to reset realistic expectations and timelines, commit to transparency, and engage us as willing partners. We stand ready to help.”

[jcmarchi]

Spamouflage's advanced deceptive behavior reinforces need for strong email security

New Post has been published on https://thedigitalinsider.com/spamouflages-advanced-deceptive-behavior-reinforces-need-for-strong-email-security/

Spamouflage's advanced deceptive behavior reinforces need for strong email security

EXECUTIVE SUMMARY:

Ahead of the U.S. elections, adversaries are weaponizing social media to gain political sway. Russian and Iranian efforts have become increasingly aggressive and transparent. However, China appears to have taken a more carefully calculated and nuanced approach.

China’s seeming disinformation efforts have little to do with positioning one political candidate as preferable to another. Rather, the country’s maneuvers may aim to undermine trust in voting systems, elections and America, in general; amplifying criticism and sowing discord.

Spamouflage

In recent months, the Chinese disinformation network, known as Spamouflage, has pursued “advanced deceptive behavior.” It has quietly launched thousands of accounts across more than 50 domains, and used them to target people across the United States.

The group has been active since 2017, but has recently reinforced its efforts.

Fake profiles

The Spamouflage network’s fake online accounts present fake identities, which sometimes change on a whim. The accounts/profiles have been spotted on X, TikTok and elsewhere.

For example: Harlan claimed to be a New York resident and an Army veteran, age 29. His profile picture showed a well-groomed young man. However, a few months later, his account shifted personas. Suddenly, Harlan appeared to be from Florida and a 31 year-old Republican influencer. 

At least four different accounts were found to mimic Trump supporters – part of a tactic with the moniker “MAGAflage.”

The fake profiles, including the fake photos, may have been generated through artificial intelligence tools, according to analysts.

Accounts have exhibited certain patterns, using hashtags like #American, while presenting themselves as voters or groups that “love America” but feel alienated by political issues that range from women’s healthcare to Ukraine.

In June, one post on X read “Although I am American, I am extremely opposed to NATO and the behavior of the U.S. government in war. I think soldiers should protect their own country’s people and territory…should not initiate wars on their own…” The text was accompanied by an image showing NATO’s expansion across Europe.

Email security implications

Disinformation campaigns that create (and weaponize) fake profiles, as described above, will have a high degree of success when crafting and distributing phishing emails, as the emails will appear to come from credible sources.

This makes it essential for organizations to implement and for employees to adhere to advanced verification methods that can ensure the veracity of communications.

Advanced email security protocols

Within your organization, if you haven’t done so already, consider implementing the following:

Multi-factor authentication. Even if credentials are compromised via phishing, MFA can help protect against unauthorized account access.

Email authentication protocols. Technologies such as SPF, DKIM and DMARC can assist with verifying the legitimacy of email senders and spoofing prevention.

Advanced threat detection. Advanced threat detection solutions that are powered by AI and machine learning can enhance email traffic security.

Employee awareness. Remind employees to not only think before they click, but to also think before they link to information – whether in their professional roles or their personal lives.

Incident response plans. Most organizations have incident response plans. But are they routinely updated? Can they address disinformation and deepfake threats?

Further thoughts

To effectively counter threats, organizations need to pursue a dynamic, multi-dimensional approach. But it’s tough.

To get expert guidance, please visit our website or contact our experts. We’re here to help!

[lizzygrantarchives]

Complex, October 7, 2011

The "Video Games" vixen tells us how she's dealing with the sudden fame and what's next for her music.

Ever since her passionate singles "Video Games" and "Blue Jeans" got Lana Del Rey buzzing this past summer, music journalists have gone to great lengths to try and figure her out—with inconclusive results. Lana popped up with a DIY aesthetic, then surprised everyone when it was revealed that she has the support of a major label machine in Interscope. Some love her because her music is awesome. Some hate her because they feel she's manufactured, Trojan Horse-ing her way into the scene.

If you ask Lana to describe herself, or her purpose, she's not much help either. "I don't even have that much to say!" she proclaims over the phone, while stepping off the subway in New York. For a girl with an image that appears so deftly calculated, it's hard to tell if she's being sincere, or whether her coyness is all part of the act.

And really it's this act, her penchant for Old Hollywood cinematics, killer fashion, and dramatic tales of heartbreak, that has us mesmerized. We care about her, just as much, if not more, than her records. Where did this girl come from and why is it so fun to watch her? Lana Del Rey finally opens all the way up to Complex, from the authenticity of her much-discussed lips, to how she really feels about those Internet haters, and the sound of her upcoming debut, tentatively titled Born To Die.

You moved from Lake Placid to New York City seven years ago in search of a career in music. Now you have one. How did that happen?

Just going to open-mic nights and things like that. It was mostly in Brooklyn. It was a folk scene. When I was 19, I signed to an independent record label. I was the only act on their roster, and then that record was shelved. After that, I still wanted to sing, but I started focusing on being an active member of my community. It’s only in the last three months that I’ve had any attention.

You really came out of nowhere. Did you have a relationship with anyone at Interscope before your rise in popularity this summer?

No, I had never met anyone in that capacity. I had gone to record labels in London a year and a half ago and showed them my songs, but no one was interested. I hadn’t met any of the people that I’m signed to now. I know lots of people are wondering about the deal. [Laughs.]

Yeah, when I first heard “Video Games” in July, your record label was mentioned.

Well, I wrote that a few months ago with a composer called Justin Parker. I got a publicist a few weeks ago. I signed my deal a few weeks ago. I’ve had a very diligent manager for the last two years. In terms of assistance, I haven’t had a thing, which is OK. It’s nicer to have help.

No help with your videos? The editing is great.

No, I found and edited all of those clips myself. In the last four weeks, I’ve had to hire copyright specialists to reach out to people to ask for approval for those clips, but I found them ten months ago by searching keywords on YouTube. It’s not like the videos are that good. I’d rather them not be up, but whatever. They’re fucking weird. It’s not like I wanted the videos to look that way; it’s just what I was working with at the time. I’m not sure it’s a perfect representation of what I would have chosen if I’d had more money. [Laughs.]

Well, it’s worked out for you.

Yeah, you’d think so, but there’s definitely a backlash to it that I’m starting to see now. But it’s fine.

Anytime I talk to someone who’s facing backlash, it’s always “Whatever” or “Haters are going to hate.”

I don’t feel that way. I’m not that cool. I feel like I want to fucking kill myself. It’s miserable.

What bothers you about the criticism?

I’m just not interested. Music is secondary to me. I wish I could go back to normal. I’m a really quiet person. I always have been. It’s hard when you see a lot of things written about you. It’s not what I had in mind.

Yeah, there’s a lot of speculation about your lips.

I can tell that’s going to be a fucking problem. I didn’t sign up to be famous, I just wanted to sing. It’s so annoying, but what am I going to do?

Are your lips real?

I haven’t had anything done at all. Anyone who’s known me will tell you that. I’m sorry, but I was living in a trailer park for a few years. I didn’t even have enough money to buy Cocoa Puffs. It’s not like I crawled from under the bridge and got surgery. I’m quite pouty. [Laughs.] That’s just how I look when I sing.

How else has your life changed since your music took off?

It’s just been a lot of moving around, working with a lot of different producers trying to get the sound of the record right. I have like four songs that I think, sonically, are really good. The record’s written, but it’s not produced. I haven’t gotten to fix anything up yet. I’m still living between a million different places. But it’s nice not to be trying to survive on the street. [Laughs.] That’s good. I’m glad that I’m safe and not in any dangerous regions.

Where are these million different places?

I’ve been living in London off-and-on for the last year and a half. I started going over there to work with different producers. I never expected to end up there, but I’ve been spending a lot of time there. I go to Glasgow in Scotland and I go see my friends. That’s really fun, but there’s a lot of other things. My life hasn’t been about music for a long time now. There’s a different side of my life and I don’t really talk about it.

So, you’re 25? That’s what’s mostly out there.

Yeah, I’m 25.

When do you turn 26?

June 21st.

Who was it that broke your heart?

The songs are about two people that I couldn’t hang on to because they got in trouble and had to leave. When you’re an introvert like me and you’ve been lonely for a while, and then you find someone who understands you, you become really attached to them. It’s a real release.

I’ve seen you say things on Twitter like, “I still think about you.” Do you feel like you were supposed to be with one of them?

No. In this particular case, I know that I wasn’t supposed to be with that person, but I was still really lonely. It’s so hard to be alone. I think you know in the back of your mind when you meet someone that could be the right person. I think you know. It’s rare.

It seems like you play up your retro sex appeal intentionally.

Most of the songs are about heartbreak, but maybe the videos and the pictures have added to that perception. They are quite vamped up, aren’t they? [Laughs.] I have fun with it all, but music and taking pictures are not my end-all, be-all. They’re fun, but they’re not important to me. The most important thing, obviously, is the record. I just hope I can create that sonic world that I have in mind.

Who are you working with?

My best friend, who is a film composer in California. He’s been working with [Kanye West producer] Jeff Bhasker and [Kid Cudi producer] Emile Haynie, who are more in the hip-hop world, and we’re creating a really good thing. I don’t think it’s going to be an easy road, but for me, it’s going to be about the songs.

People have high expectations for your album. Are you feeling the pressure?

I don’t feel pressure, but I do feel nervous. I’m not used to having a lot of people hear my music. When you don’t have a lot of people listening to your music for a long time, you start making it for yourself and it takes the pressure off. I really like the record. Of course I hope people like it, because I don’t want to deal with any drama.

Originally published on complex.com with the headline Lana Del Rey Talks Backlash, Plastic Surgery, and New Album.

[tetsunormous]

Reencounters

pairing: Matsukawa Issei x f!reader

genre: college au, friends to lovers, smut (18+), fluff

word count: 6.5K

warnings: cunnilingus, fingering, vaginal penetration, unprotected sex, creampie, swearing, nipple play, pinning

A/N: This is for Ria's @bakugohoex's rich boy collab 💜 Congrat's on 3k!! thank you to @ohno-otome and @armins-futon for reading this for me. I love matsukawa but I don't write for him often so this has been really fun :)

Walking into your new dorm room, you weren’t sure what to expect. Sure, you’ve seen the pictures online, but there’s nothing like the slightly dusty window letting in a hazy ray of light shining down onto the slight dip in the middle of the mattress you now call your own. Your desk almost touched the corner of your twin-sized bed, and your new bookshelf barely has enough room to fit half of the books you brought, but this was your new life. It didn’t dawn on you just how different university would be until you arrived this morning, but here you were, unpacking all your clothes into the cramped closet in the corner. Luckily, you’re in the building where you had a single room. Privacy was something you were worried about, and the communal washrooms will be something to get used to, but either way, this was a new start, and no matter how nervous you are, you’re grateful for it.

High school wasn’t terrible, but it definitely wasn’t what you expected it to be. Going into it, you obviously knew that it would be nothing like how the movies depicted, but you were excited. How bad could those four years really be if you had your best friend right by your side? He was incredible. He understood you better than anybody else, would be able to tell how you were feeling without the exchange of words, but most of all, he was your person, and you were his.

There was no doubting that in all your years of friendship.

But alas, like all good things in life, they must come to an end.

The summer going into the twelfth grade, he was longer your best friend. The boy that would go to the farmers market with you and your mom every other Sunday was now lining up for the newest sneaker drop. The boy that would rather spend the night at home and binge-watch your shared comfort show for the seventh time is now out with the boys sneaking into shisha bars and doing donuts in the community centre parking lots with their new cars. You watched as he slowly forgot about you, getting caught up in his new friendships and obsessing over material items that he never cared about before. It’s not that you were upset he found new friends. It’s that the only time he would reach out was to randomly drop off something he had bought you in hopes it would make up for him blowing you off again.

They started small, simple sweaters he knew you would like, but the gifts became almost ridiculous as time passed. He would never let you return them either, so now you have designer shoes for imaginary banquets. Of course, you were always grateful, but you would trade all his gifts just to spend time with him again. His family has always been wealthy, they always went on lavish vacations and drove the nicest cars, but you never really cared about what he spends his money on or just how much his parents make. You cared that he saw you as a person he wanted to be with rather than just someone he could shove gifts towards to make up for the quality time he’d miss.

But now you’re here. You were arriving three hours before the suggested move-in time because you didn’t want to be rushed to unpack before orientation starts later. You’ve seen a few people walking around on your floor, but neither of your neighbours have arrived, and honestly, you don’t mind because that means you’re able to blast your music without worry. As The 1975 fills your room, you stand still for a second, really taking in where you are. You’re now attending one of the best schools in the country, living on your own with a floor of people you don’t know yet. It starts to sink in that you are starting anew. The people who end up in the rooms next to you might just end up being your lifelong friends. As the song comes to an end, you decide it’s time to try to make yourself look a little more presentable since it’s almost time for people to start rolling in.

...

It’s almost five in the afternoon, and everyone on your floor is meeting outside on the field for a quick introduction before group dinner. You’re sitting with your knees pressed to your chest as the girl next to you tries to make small talk. To be fair, she’s incredibly sweet, but you can’t focus on her because somewhere behind you, there is a voice you think you recognize. There’s no way he would be here. Sure, you have no idea what school he ended up choosing, but if he ended up here, he would’ve at least texted you. Right? Before you can confirm your suspicions, orientation starts, and your group leader is already talking with more energy than you can handle.

The group of guys settle down close by, and you can’t stop yourself from looking over, wondering if you’ll see the head of brown curls. Instead, you’re met with a bunch of frat boy looking wannabes that instantly make your eyes roll. To say you’re disappointed that you didn’t see him was so stupid. It’s been over a year, yet here you were, hoping to magically bump into him as if this was some cliche movie. If anything, it’s frustrating. It’s frustrating that even though he stopped caring for you, you still longed to see him, to hear him laugh at one of your cheesy jokes. It’s even more frustrating that this new start you’ve been looking forward to, makes you miss him even more.

There are only sixteen people on your floor, but introductions take a lifetime because someone didn’t come on time. When they finally do show up, you almost laugh at this whole situation because, of course, it was him. Of course, he was strutting down the courtyard in some brand new Gucci sneakers and the same Balenciaga sweater he had bought for you a few months ago. Of course, the annoying group of boys behind you gesture for him as he quickly apologizes to the group leaders. And, of course, when you make eye contact, he’s the one looking at you with a mixture of shock and annoyance.

Quickly rushing back to your room after the meeting, you decide you’re ordering in tonight so that you don’t have to see him for at least another day. This is all so fucked up. You wrack your brain trying to understand how probable this whole situation is because, frankly, it feels like a sick joke, and on top of it, he’s the one annoyed?

Naturally, you spend the rest of the night unpacking the rest of your things before ordering your comfort food to wash down all the feelings you’re experiencing. Putting on your favourite show, you begin your tenth rerun as you bury yourself in your blankets. Part of you feels so stupid for completely ignoring your initial dinner plans, but you knew with the mindset you had at the moment, there was no way you would have enjoyed yourself. It’s a bit silly you haven’t left your room since picking up your takeout, you don’t even know who lives beside you, but that’s a problem for tomorrow.

Slipping into your slides, you head towards the washroom with your little toiletry bag. You pass by the girl you were sitting with earlier, and she sends you a smile. After apologizing for disappearing all night she just laughs and assures you nothing happened. She even points out where her room is if you were up to hang out tomorrow during frosh activities.

Just this interaction makes you feel better, and you quietly hum along to the familiar tune coming from the shower stall.

He used to play this song all the time, claiming it spoke to him the first time he heard it. Since then, it became the song he would play anytime he’d come to pick you up, explaining how this song is special because the ending always reminded him of you. It didn’t matter how long it’s been since the two of you hung out. Every time you heard ‘Pluto Projector,’ it would always bring a smile to your face. You even tried to show the song to your ex-boyfriend, but he never paid attention to your suggestions. He always claimed that his music taste was better. Thankfully that relationship only lasted a couple of months, but still, the regret of not waiting for someone worthy lingers in your mind.

While applying your moisturizer, you hear the water shut, the person pausing the song right as the orchestra starts to come in. Worried about who you may run into, you quickly pack up your stuff. You hear the click of the lock, and as you turn around, you’re met with him, with his curly hair all damp and his obnoxious teal blue robe wrapped loosely around his waist.

Rushing past him, you briskly walk towards your room, but before you can close the door, his foot jams between the doorframe. He pushes his way in and quietly closes the door, only to be met with the unimpressed look on your face. He circles around your room, eyes searching for any trace of your past friendship before standing back at the door.

“What do you want, Matsukawa?” you ask impatiently. It’s bad enough you run into the one person you wanted to forget, but now he’s standing in your room with a matching frown.

Something indescribable flashes across his eyes, and you can visibly see his frown deepen at your question. Leaning against your door, his arms come up to rub over his face, peeking at you through his fingers before letting out a long sigh. “When did I become Matsukawa? I thought I was Issei.”

You can’t help the chuckle that escapes your lips, and you realize how childish your grudge might be, but he has changed, and the man standing in front of you isn’t the same man you once called your best friend. “When you changed, Matsukawa. Issei was my best friend, and YOU are not.”

His eyes filled with confusion as his eyebrows furrow, taking a step forward towards you. “I’m sorry? I tried to stay in touch with you. You’re the one that stopped talking to me, so I’d try to send you things instead. How was I the one who changed?”

You stand there, staring at him for a second before shaking your head. “I can’t do this right now; I want to have a good day tomorrow, so I need to go to sleep. Please, leave my room.”

His eyes soften a little, and you can see a faint glimpse of his infamous lazy smile, “We both know you’re not going to be sleeping anytime soon,” he stalks over and kicks his slides off before sitting at the end of your bed. “Let’s talk about this because, frankly, I’m tired of watching you decide if you hate me every time you see me.”

The nerve of this man. The fact that he invites himself into your room, declares his stay, and then sits on your bed without permission. You don’t even know if he’s wearing anything under that robe as his hair is literally dripping onto your comforter. Regardless of what the situation is, this action alone has you seething. Turning towards your desk chair, you harshly pull out the slightly imbalanced piece of wood and sit down, silently questioning why he isn’t the one on the chair.

He watches you stomp around, and he kinda chuckles at your little tantrum, missing how easy it was to rile you up. Your glare at him would be a little scary if he didn’t see the way your lips mumbled to yourself. It’s honestly a little cute to watch you all frustrated with him even though he saw one of the shoes he bought you in your closet. Sure, they look brand new, but the fact that you brought them here with you must mean something.

The year you two spent apart has been really stressful on Matsukawa. He thought that you’d be happy that he could give you everything you wanted. He knew he wasn’t spending as much time with you as he used to, but he thought the gifts he spent hours lining up for would make up for it.

When you stopped returning his calls and texts, he was crushed. Everyone could see how he felt about you, but then he watched you get close to another man. Within two weeks, you were dating him, and he was left watching from a distance. Neither of you ever confirmed your feelings for each other, but he could tell that man wasn’t making you happy. He didn’t understand your different facial expressions, he didn’t care about what you had to say, but all he could do was watch the girl he wanted from the sidelines.

Sure, as time went on, Matsukawa also started talking to other girls. None of them ever became his girlfriend, he didn’t think it was fair to get with someone when he was set on you, but he had his fair share of hookups. He has money, a shit ton of it, but he never let that get to his head. It wasn’t his fault that he gained popularity when he started to get into name brands and upgraded his car, but none of that ever changed who he was — at least not to the degree you had him pinned.

He watches you carefully, your leg bouncing impatiently as your eyes glare daggers in his direction. He runs his hand through his hair and lets out a sigh, “what did I do wrong? You didn’t even give me a chance to fix whatever I did (y/n).”

The lamp in the corner of your room shines a dim yellow hue onto his features. His brows are knitted in concern as he leans forwards on his knees, his robe showing off a deep v down his chest. You can feel yourself freeze up at his question, goosebumps covering your skin, while your eyes pour into his. “You changed Matsukawa. You stopped making an effort to be there. I’m not some girl you can just buy with all your money. I have never cared about how much you have or what you can afford -- you know that! It doesn’t matter what. I always split things with you because I never wanted you to feel like I was there for your money. But then suddenly, you just stop showing up. You wouldn’t even tell me you made other plans, and I would just open my door to find some package you dropped off.”

His eyes search your face before letting out a deep sigh. “I tried! You wouldn’t answer any of my calls, I know I stopped explaining myself, but can you blame me? Don’t you think I want to take you around and introduce you to all my friends? Don’t you think I miss going on late-night drives with you to 7-11? Every time I would drive past there, you’re all I thought about. You and your stupid obsession with cheese taquitos and Arizona tea. Did you even think about how I felt when you decided to act like I don’t exist?” He hastily stands up and paces around in the confined space of your dorm room. He never raises his voice, so hearing him talk at a slightly louder volume was enough to let you know he was dead serious. “You know, I never stopped talking highly about you because as selfish as it is, those boys have an important family. They have the connections you dream about (y/n), so even when you started to ignore me to go out with that fucking ex-boyfriend of yours, I never said anything.”

He looks at you with pleading eyes before going to sit back down, his elbows now resting against his thighs. “I know you don’t care about my money, but I didn’t know how else to tell you I was still thinking about you. I tried to get you things that you’d like, things that you’d wear. But no, I had to watch you put on a fake smile and laugh at that asshole’s jokes while you stubbornly ignored me to the point I thought you had me blocked.”

Looking up at you through his curls, his hooded eyes looked darker before. His lips curled into a forced smile as he let out a breathy chuckle, “he didn’t deserve you. But what do I know, right?”

You sat there quietly, taking in what he had just said. You didn’t realize how hurt he was. To be frank, up till now, you were so consumed by your feelings, and you failed to consider his own. His head is hanging between his hands, and the silence in your room right now is insufferable. He’s just explained himself, yet all you can do is scoff at yourself. While you were obsessing over the fact that Matsukawa wasn’t coming over to watch another rerun of your favourite show, he was out picking out different gifts he thought you’d like. You didn’t even open the last few because your own emotions so blinded you. Hearing him take a deep breath, he stands up and smiles sadly at you, “nice talk, (y/n). Thanks for listening.”

“I’m sorry, Issei.”

He lifts his head to meet your gaze, and you can visibly watch as his shoulders relax. It’s been too long since he’s heard you call him by his first name.

“I’m sorry too. I should’ve just gotten out of the car to talk to you.”

You look at him with a small smile. Walking towards your bed, you sit down and pat the spot beside you, pulling him in for a hug. His robe is probably the softest thing you’ve ever felt in your life, your fingers sinking into the fabric as you hold him close. His arms are immediately wrapping around you, and you both stay like that for a minute before you pull back, a faint blush blooming on your cheeks.

“No, you have nothing to apologize for. You tried reaching out to me, you tried explaining yourself, but I didn’t even give you a chance. I’m sorry. I can’t believe I was so caught up I didn’t even think about what you were feeling. The fact that you still wanted to introduce me to your friends, even after all the stuff I did to you….I’m so sorry, Issei.”

He gives you a playful smile and lightly nudges your shoulder with his, “yea, that was kinda unfair, but good thing we talked it out, huh?”

You flash him a sheepish smile, but your eyes glimmer with happiness, “yea, it’s good you barged into my room at two in the morning. Just like old times.”

His smile instantly grows at your playfulness, and he gives you a mock scoff. “I’m sorry, but if I remember correctly, you’d beg for me to stay over at two am cause you decided you wanted to watch a scary movie. Have you gotten better with horror movies this year, or are you still as jumpy as I remember?”

The tip of your ears growing warm while you mutter out a quick “shut up.”

His laughter makes your heart beat against your chest because you missed it so much. It’s been a while since you got to hear him laugh with you, and without even thinking, you go in for another hug.

His arms easily hold you close, and one of his massive hands reaches up to pet your hair. “Missed me, didn’t you?” he asks, and you can feel him smirking, so you just nod, your fingers playing with the damp, short curls at the base of his nape.

“Issei?” you ask with a little murmur against his neck.

“Hmmm?”

You smile to yourself and pull back a little, so you can see his face, “so other than hanging out with your friends and keeping up with my relationship, what else have you been doing?”

His face drops as he looks at you with a deadpan stare, the corners of his mouth twitching up in a smile as you giggle at his reaction. He pushes you back, so you end up falling onto your mattress, his long limbs effortlessly straddling your legs. Before you can think about the position you’re in, his fingers start to poke all-around your torso, causing you both to laugh as he starts to tickle you. “You think you’re funny, huh?” His hands go to tickle your worst spot as he starts to talk, but you can’t hear him over your own laughter. His fingers slow down, but you keep giggling when you’re met with his lazy smirk, “I’m trying to talk, you know. It’s rude you’re laughing when I’m trying to speak to you.”

He leans forwards and has both hands resting at the side of your head. Your faces now inches apart, the faint smell of sandalwood from his body wash now becoming more apparent. You stare into his brown eyes, and it almost feels as if everything stopped for a few seconds. The lamp in your room doesn’t do him justice as the shadows of his face wash over his features, but even then, his eyes stare back at you with a slight twinkle as you catch your breath.

Reaching up to wrap your arms around his neck and you tug him close, crashing his lips onto yours. The sweet hints from his beloved Burt’s bee’s lip balm make his lips even softer than you imagined. The kiss is short, but as you both pull away, he’s staring at you with a goofy smile.

“You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to do that, (y/n).”

“Me too, Issei,” you whisper back before his lips capture yours again, this time with more confidence. This kiss is much more passionate than the last, holding onto each other in hopes of deepening it. One of his hands travels down to grab your waist, his tongue sweeping across your bottom lip, asking for permission. Your lips part and your tongues swirl together effortlessly while your hands play with his hair, pulling him closer into your body.

His hand feels a little rougher than before against your bare skin because of how often he trains, running down the length of your leg. The light touch of his fingertips admires how smooth your skin is before they trail back up, stopping just before the edge of your pyjama shorts. Hooking your leg around his hip, he leans into your body even further and even nips at your bottom lip.

Matsukawa smirks and whispers against your lips, “did he ever kiss you like that?”

Slightly surprised at the question, you shake your head, answering honestly. “He never made me feel the way you do.”

You watch as his eyes dilate, flickering into a deep brown you’ve never seen on him. The hand that was previously on your leg is now cupping your cheek, stroking your face softly, while his own face blooms into a rare shade of pink. Still, his words are clear, “please...give me a chance? He never treated you right. Let me take care of you?”

Words can’t describe how his question made you feel. You spent years learning about Matsukawa, understanding him to the point where words weren’t necessary to see what was happening in his head. Not once did you think he reciprocated your feelings, let alone want to be with you. Yet, here you are, caged beneath his arms as his hopeful eyes pour into yours.

Turning your head slightly, you press a kiss onto his hand and smile. “Please?”

His face breaks into a smile. His cheeks are tinted rose as the corners of his mouth reach up to his eyes. Leaning down, he peppers kisses onto your face, the loose curls on his head tickling your cheeks as he giggles with you. The kisses trail down to your jaw, and he follows the natural curve of your jawline to your ear. “Is this okay?” he whispers softly, only continuing down this path when you give him a curt nod.

Your legs tighten around his waist when he begins to press open mouth kisses down your neck, gently nipping at the spots that make you let out shy little sounds. His tongue leaves kitten licks against your skin after he’s sucked on it, littering faint marks. Seeing you with light hickeys on the base of your neck and collarbones is completely self-indulgent for him. Thinking about waking up in the morning and seeing the marks he knows he gave you makes him inexplicably happy as he sucks particularly hard, causing you to wince.

Immediately he stops and turns to you, “I’m sorry, did I hurt you? D’you wanna stop?”

His concern for you is truly a breath of fresh air compared to what you had before. Shaking your head, you guide his hands to the edge of your sweater. “You bought this for me… it’s only fair I let you take it off.”

He studies your face for a second before his lips curl into a lazy smirk, quickly pulling the overpriced sweater off your body. He takes a sharp inhale when you reveal you aren’t wearing anything underneath as he’s met with your beautiful tits, nipples hard and pointed. “You let me in here knowing you weren’t wearing a bra? And here I thought you were a good girl.”

Noticing how your legs tighten around him, he smirks even wider. Leaning back down, his kisses trail down to your chest, and his lips feel soft and warm against your skin. His fingers take hold of your chin and force you to look down on him while his lips wrap around your nipple, the tip of his tongue flicking gently at the hardened bud. His hand palms against the fatty flesh of your other tit; his fingers are rolling your nipple before tugging on it experimentally.

Suddenly feeling shy, your arms come up to cover your face slightly just to have him lace his fingers with yours, pulling your arms away. “Don’t hide from me. Let me see how pretty you look. Let me hear how good I make you feel, okay?”

“I’ve never had someone play with my tits like this…”

He just stares at you, brows knitted as his smirk turns into a slight pout. “You’re with me now; that means every part of your body will be pleasured. I wanna hear and see all of you, okay?”

With a shy nod, you gently roll your hips against him, inviting more of his attention.

He kisses you once more, murmuring against your lips, “you’re so beautiful. Let me know if I’m going too fast, okay?”

His lips follow down your body once more, lightly biting your tit before using the flat part of his tongue to feel the valley between your chest. Matsukawa lets out a low moan as you arch upwards, pushing yourself closer to his touches. Letting go of your hands, he begins to massage the soft flesh of your tits and kiss down your stomach, the tip of his tongue trailing against the waistband of your shorts.

“Let me hear you ask for it; I don’t wanna do something you don’t want.”

“Isseiiii, please?” you whine out, the tip of your ears turning hot at the thought of asking for his tongue.

He smirks at you, looking up through his hooded eyes and tsks. “Be a good girl for me. Use your words.”

His words go straight to your pussy, and you can’t help the doe eyes look in your eyes when you whimper out, “please, Issei? Wanna feel your mouth on me.”

You watch as he takes in a sharp breath, the hunger in his eyes shining through despite the dim lighting in your room. He tugs at the end of your shorts until they’re completely off, repositioning himself lower until your legs are resting around his biceps. His eyes zone in on the way a sheer layer of slick coats your lips, happy that the attention he’s been giving you has pleased you. As he shimmies down on your bed, his legs now supporting himself on the floor, he nestles himself between your legs, easily spreading your things open with his arms. Sending you a knowing smile, he blows cool air directly onto your clit, loving how your walls flutter for him.

“You’re so sensitive, baby.”

“No one’s ever made me feel like this before...want more, please?”

You look down at him with pleading eyes, your hands cupping his face when you speak. Pressing a quick peck to your hand, he hips his head down and traces your pussy lips with his tongue, savouring how you taste.

The gasp that you let out once you felt his touch was adorable. It suddenly became the sound Matsukawa will chase after the more he gets to know your body and what it likes. He takes one long lap up your pussy, stopping just before your clit and using his fingers, he spreads your lips even more. Once your clit is all exposed, he flicks it gently with the tip of his tongue, looking up at you with all the confidence in the world. Hearing your little moans make him greedy for more, for more desperate and needy sounds, so he goes to press a kiss onto your bundle of nerves. Feeling you twitch beneath him, he gently places his lips around the sensitive bud and sucks earnestly, relishing in the way you buck your hips and call out his name. After a while of pure clitoral stimulation, he leans back up to watch your eyes blink back into focus on his face, a silly dazed smile on your face.

He winks at you and sticks his tongue into your drooling hole, swirling it around to feel the walls of your pussy clench around him. His fingers dig into the flesh of your thighs as he nuzzles his nose against your clit, his cock getting unbearably hard at the way you pant our pleas.

“I-issei! Please….need you inside, please!”

Coming back up for air, his hand leaves your thigh as his fingers start to tease around your hole, loving how your pussy clenches around nothing. So needy for his touches when he’s barely even started. He knows your orgasm was building, but he wants to take his time with you. You mean the world to him, and seeing you like this already makes him feel like the luckiest man at the moment.

Taking two of his fingers, he coats them in all your slick before slowly pushing them inside you. His eyes squeeze shut when he feels how tight you are, his mind immediately thinking about how you’d feel wrapped around his cock. When he’s finally inside, he pulls out slowly before sliding them back in, loving how you beg for more.

“Need more, please, Issei! Go faster, please.”

Your hands pull his head up to kiss you while his fingers begin to speed up. With the lewd sound of his hand slapping against your sopping wet pussy, his palm is applying pressure to your clit. Your moans are lost in your kisses, his other hand going back to playing with your sensitive nipple.

“I have to stretch you out, babygirl. I don’t want my cock to hurt you.”

All you’re able to do is nod as his fingers start to scissor your hole, stretching you out even more. His fingers, now knuckle deep, curl against your sweet spot, making you grip onto his hair as he swallows all your cries, suddenly remembering that the walls in this dorm probably aren’t that thick.

His fingers curl into you more, whispering sweet praises as his hand teases and tugs on your swollen nipple. Everything happened so quick, and you’re cumming all over his hand, your sweet sticky arousal covering his fingers as he slows down. Matsukawa is smiling down at you, “you did so well, baby. Bet that felt really good, huh?”

Maybe you’re needy or just horny, but even after your orgasm, you start tugging the tie that keeps his robe up. Your legs are sore, sorer than they’ve ever been, but all you can think about is how full you would feel with him inside of you. He smirks at you as he pops his fingers into his mouth, sucking off all your juices before letting his robe fall and chucking it to the ground. He’s wearing his briefs, but you can see how hard his cock is under the thin cotton material. Before you’re able to pull his underwear down, he stops you and lets out a small chuckle. “I’m sorry, I don’t have a condom. We don’t have to do anything.”

You giggle and shake your head, “don’t need one; we’re in university, baby. What’s a little fun without risks?”

He lets you pull his underwear down, and his massive throbbing cock instantly slaps against his stomach as he laughs at your reaction. “Had to make sure you were stretched out enough.”

You bite your lips and stare at how big his cock actually is. It’s hard to imagine how you’ll fit that inside of you, but you’re determined to give it a try.

“You ready, pretty girl?” he asks as he taps the tip of cock against your clit, loving how you squirm under him.

“mmhmm, Issei.”

He lets go of his cock and leans up, and pulls you into a deep kiss, completely in awe of you.

“Tell me if you wanna stop, kay?”

Replying with a small hum, he gathers up the remaining slick that’s leaking out of your pussy and strokes his cock slowly, also letting his spit drip down to help lubricate himself. He lines himself up with your pretty pussy and starts to push the head in, studying your face to make sure you’re doing alright. When he sees you smiling back at him, despite the grip you have on his arms, he pushes another two inches inside of you.

“You’re doing so good for me, baby. We’re almost halfway,” he whispers into your ear as he kisses your neck softly, sucking on the spot by the base of your lobe. “Such a good girl for me,” he coaxes as his cock slides another inch into your sweet cunt.

Incredibly, he’s only halfway down because you’ve never felt this full before. Still, your fingers dig into his arms when you ask for more. “Just want all of you in me, please?”

Hearing you ask for more even though you already looked fucked out sparks something inside him. He lets out a low growl and quickly pushes the rest of his length inside you, mumbling sweet nothings against your skin. He moans out with you when he feels how warm and tight you are, your pussy stretching more than it ever has to accommodate his size.

“Feel s’good, Issei.”

With a breathy chuckle, he peppers kisses all over your neck, loving the sound of your soft giggles as he pulls back three-quarters of the way, slowly pushing his way back into you. The gasp you let out is different than before, much more surprised but sensual.

He continues this motion a few more times before he picks up the pace, his hips slamming against you while your tits bounce. Each thrust knocks the air out of your chest cause he’s brushing against your spot every time. Matsukawa leans down and presses his forehead against the crook of your neck, muttering how good you feel.

“F-faster...need you faster, is’o good, please.”

Obliging to your pleas, he starts to rut his hips into yours, the sound of his balls slapping against your skin with each movement. He looks up to see your dreamy eyes and smiles. He knows there’s not a thought behind those eyes right now as his cock slams against your walls with each thrust. He goes to kiss you again, silencing your cries as your nails drag down his arms, trying to ground yourself in the midst of all the pleasure.

“You’re s-tight baby I- fuuuuuck, I can barely move.”

You can’t help it. Your walls are naturally squeezing him because he’s fucking straight into your sweet spot with each snap of his hips. You look at him with hazy eyes, entirely in a trance as you moan out his name. He can tell you want to cum, so his hand reaches down to rub your clit as his cock continues to pound into you.

“C’mon baby, cum all over my cock. You can do it...ah shit, yea, just like that.”

He’s been trying so hard not to cum but watching your back arch into him as your nails drab down his back, his name falling out from your lips in a loud erotic moan, is making it really hard. He looks down in surprise when he sees a creamy white rim around his cock, proud of himself for making you cream.

“Good girl...that’s my fuckin girl.”

Satisfied he made you finish, his head falls back onto your shoulder, his hips just rutting into you as he chases his own orgasm. Not even a minute later, he’s calling out for you as he quickly pulls out, cumming all over your tits. His chest heaves along with yours, his hair sticking to his forehead slightly as he empties his load all over your chest.

Once you’ve both calmed down a little bit, he smiles down at you and goes to stroke your cheek. “Had you creaming on my cock, was it fun? Did you have a good time?”

“S’good...thank you, baby,” you say before pulling him down for a kiss.

He gets up and reaches for his robe, “you did so good, took me like a champ heh. I’ll be back with a rag to clean you up, okay? Don’t move.”

As he leaves your room, you stare up at the ceiling and let out a laugh. Not even twelve hours ago, you were cursing the fact that he was here with you, and now you have his cum all over your tiddies as he goes to get stuff to clean you up.

You watch as he comes back into your room, fully changed with a rag in his hand. He kneels beside you and pets your hair as he starts to wipe his mess.

“Why’re you changed?”

“Oh! We’re going to 7-11 once I get you cleaned up.”

“.....it’s like three-thirty in the morning.”

“I’ll get you taquitos and Arizona,” he says as he goes to wipe around your pussy, mindful not to put too much pressure cause you’re still sensitive.

“And skittles?”

He snorts and kisses your shaking thigh, “yea, I’ll get you skittles, brat.”

© tetsunormous 2021

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