#I have so many things to plan lately already and I didnt need that

[thissmycomingofage]

I understand where you're coming from about Chappell, I really do, but cmon dude. She's been working so hard for 10 years and now she finally gets an opportunity to perform at the VMAs? Can you imagine turning something like that down? It's not her fault at all, it's her management, but it's a human error at the end of the day. She's human, she's bound to make mistakes. I understand how disappointed and upset you must feel not being able to see her but she can always come back to Paris another time, there's only one VMAs. No hard feelings, peace and love ❤🧡🤍💘💜 (Also be kind to Chappell please)

Oh buddy I'm sorry but I'm not going to be nice to this one. And trust me I mean it when I say I'm sorry because you don't seem like you want to start anything, but I'm not okay. I'm not at all and I need to vent, and it's not gonna be structured.

I have been her fan for years, okay ? I was here before good luck babe, before TRAFOAMP. So don't come at me saying I don't know she was skyrocketed to fame. I do not put her on a pedestal, if anything I'd say it's people like you saying she is so right to do what she does and is taking the best decision for her career that glorify her every moves. She did something I think is shitty I criticize her.

Also fuck you man I didn't turn on her, the fuck?? I defended her like crazy when she put out her statement about her right to privacy, don't mix me with this bag. I criticize what is to be criticized, and yes, I'm especially passionate on this case because I'm involved, as every human being is more touched when he's literally touched!

"There will be other shows", yeah, now that she reached superstardom and there's no way to ever see her again for a reasonable price. Of course canceling shows in small venues is worth it for her, but devastating to me and people who were lucky to get those tickets. And what a stupid argument it is, and, sorry, that really makes me think you must be American, or at best British. Because those people are the only one who do not get how it's just not true to state "You can just go to another show" My city and my country don't get 5 shows a week! And I'm still way luckier than Asian or African concert enjoyers so I feel bad for complaining when I know some have it worse so how about you stop with your ""advices"""?

Once again she can cancel shows like she wants, but I do not have to agree with it. I very personally in my very humble opinion think it's shitty behavior to cancel shows your fans who always supported you were so excited to attend just to go to the...VMAs? Man who cares about the VMAs?? It's not the grammys! Who remembers what song or what artist got what prize at the vmas for real ???

"It's not her it's her management" STOP INFANTALIZING GROWN UP WOMEN. She CANCELLED shows. She cancelled events that were supposed to take place in less than a week and were planned for a year! She had WEEKS to plan this and waited last minute. She made her choice and in a very poor way. And I'm mad about it, yes. That is undisputably unfair to those who paid to see a show to have it cancelled for her to go promote her songs on American tv.

I fucking know she's not plotting against me, when the hell did I accuse her of that ? She did something that is for me a disgusting choice for an artist, but a good choice for a business woman. But I'm not one to praise business women, so she made an artistic decision that sucks.

I'm so tired of fandoms being so against the bare minimum of criticism now. I will always criticize my favorite artists' decisions. This is normal behavior. You all defending her every moves is not. I've never been mean to Chappell or any other artist I'm expressing a criticism toward. I'm expressing disappointment. And like anyone who feels wronged it hurts bloody hard when you see people (not concerned at all) saying you're whiny and mean. Chappell said it herself, she's not my friend, she's an artist whose music I like. And now she's an artist who made a move I'm highly dissapointed by. I treat her like I would any other people I don't know. You all are the weirdos saying she's a "poor lesbian" who needs to "teach us a lesson". Get her own message through your head and treat her like a human being. Human beings can be shitty and yesterday she was very shitty.

[cerealmonster15]

ok lore updated for this bitch

like half of it is just relationship drama which is EMBARRASSING but i mean. what else am i here for really. the other stuff is way harder to explain but god i tried!!!!

[wannaeatramyeon]

Hi~ can I request "she fell first, but he fell harder" with Vin Jin? And please include the confession time too! Thank you in advance 💙

Fuck yeah, Vin Jin hours! Was feeling like I haven't written about this douchebag [affectionately] in a hot second.

Vin Jin x Reader: You're his type

Another Vin Jin confession fic. Feat a lil bit of the Queen, Mary Kim.

"What's wrong with you?"

"Fuck off," Vin mutters, his heart isn't in it as he stares out the window.

Regardless, that earns him a harsh ear pull from Mary for his shitty reply, yanking him out of his daydream and back to reality.

What's wrong with him? Where to start.

.

.

Vin is hot, that is an objective fact. According to him anyway.

Girls and boys alike throwing themselves at his feet is not new, barely warrants batting an eyelid.

You though? One of his inner circle? When you started to blush around him, stammering your words, avoiding eye contact, just generally being awkward as hell; he decided to ignore it. He's seen this a million times before.

Why ruin a good thing, right? Especially if he didnt return your feelings.

But since you started to see Vin in a new light, and who the hell knows why after already knowing him for so many years, well.

His subconscious got curious too.

.

.

Annoying as fuck, bratty. That's how he would describe you.

For some reason, you would always get your way with him, and that used to irritate him no bounds. Your special way of knowing exactly which buttons to push that even Mary is impressed with.

Over the last couple months, this trait has somehow become endearing. That you know him better than he knows himself.

And you're clingy too. Always have been.

Yet your budding crush on Vin has made you pull back. Spending fewer hours together, retracting your casual touches. He never thought he could possibly miss you, but even when you're standing right in front of him, hand just casually hanging there like a normal person, he wants to reach out and grab it.

And if someone asks if you are attractive? Yeah, sure, you're definitely hot.

A man can have eyes, can't he? Even behind his shades, even with three pupils. He can see that and he can see your line of admirers though you've never really been Vin's type.

He can hear Mary's voice if he told her that, her scoffing and asking "what even is your type, you're single as fuck." Vin doesn't know, ok? It's just never been you.

And now all of a sudden, it's you. Completely, one hundred percent, you.

It's you so much that anytime another guy even glances in your direction he needs to hold back from uppercutting them in the jaw.

Maybe most importantly. You're ride-or-die.

If push came to shove, and someone held a knife against his throat, he would admit it.

Him, Mary, and You. The best export from Cheonliang. Friendship built on unrockable foundations. You both worming your way into his stupid, silly heart but in very different ways.

Really, damn you for presenting this dilemma. Why did you have to fall for him because now he has no doubt fallen harder.

Worst of all though? For you, Vin realises he is a romantic, and he is undeniably cringe.

Street cred will be ruined for sure.

.

.

That brings him to the present.

With Vin thoroughly distracted, every waking moment consumed with thoughts of you.

With him catching feelings, mind and heart betraying him alike.

With him having to hold back around you when the confession almost slips out, bolting out the gate until it's almost too late.

Vin is absolutely not a coward. He will tell you, he just needs to pick his moment.

Sitting in the empty classroom, he was busy contemplating the next move until he is rudely interrupted by Mary. Now, he still doesn't have a plan but has gained an aching, throbbing ear for his troubles.

"ACK!"

At his yelp, Mary releases him. Hand on hips, tapping her foot impatiently, she glares down at him as he rubs his ear. "What is wrong with you these days?"

"Nothi-"

"Say nothing and I'll kick your ass."

"I'm fine."

"You've never been fine, asshole."

"..."

Vin resumes staring out the window, hoping if he ignores her long enough she would piss off.

Mary gives a long suffering sigh. It really is long, and really is suffering. After so many years, he still hasn't learnt.

"HUP!" Mary bounces over to him, quick as a whip, and puts him in a headlock.

"WHAT THE FUCK-"

Vin flails around, trying desperately to wiggle himself free but Mary has the upperhand. Using the proximity to her advantage, she leans in close.

Quietly, "Is this about Y/N?"

With his restricted movements, VIn still full body recoils as if he's been hit.

"NO!" And he can hear himself. Too defensive, unbelievable to even his own ears.

Mary looks at him with eyes full of pity. What a stupid bastard.

"You need to tell her."

"W-what? I have nothing to say!" Again. Completely unbelievable.

With another sigh, Mary releases him - moving just out of reach to avoid his retaliating strike.

"Why are you both like this."

"Like what?"

"Listen." She slams both hands down on his desk and Vin jumps, "If you keep making googly eyes and pining for each other in front of me, I will skin you both alive."

"..."

"Sort. This. Out." Mary flicks him aggressively on the forehead, smirking when she realises it will leave a mark. "Got it?"

"Got it, got it..." Vin mutters, refusing eye contact and fiddling with his sunglasses as Mary leaves in a whirlwind of blonde hair and chaos.

Honestly. Vin trying to pull wool over Mary's eyes over his crush is like you trying to pull wool over Vin's. Unconvincing at best, completely laughable at worst. You all know each other too well to get away with this sort of shit.

Ok. Fine, fine. Today is as good as any other day.

Vin makes up his mind and seeks you out.

...Today is not as good as any other day.

Blood rushing to his cheeks when he sees you, Vin chickens out.

.

.

His thumb hovers over the text. Just something simple and straight to the point asking you on a date.

He hesitates.

He tries again a few days later, sitting in the school canteen together when a rowdy first year bumps into you, causing you to spill your drink all over yourself. When your fist meets his nose, Vin watches on in awe, realising he's in love with you.

Still, the moment didn't feel right.

He prepares some lyrics, working on them through the night. Until the next day, sleep-deprived and bags under his eyes, Mary takes one look at them and smacks him over the head.

"No! You cannot start this rapping about Y/N's tits!"

.

.

The confession spills out in a quiet moment together. Catching him as offguard as his feelings did.

You sit next to him, bodies pressed close together, eyes watching the action unfold on the laptop screen.

Another movie night, usually accompanied with Mary. This time, when you invited her over in the group chat, Mary declined and in a separate message, threatened Vin with death if he didn't make 'you and him happen'.

He supposes that that's fair.

As he sits and watches you rather than the film, his face naked and bare, he wonders what more is there than this quiet bliss.

The peace of two people completely comfortable with each other, of two well matched souls; you having seen him countless times at his worst and him with you.

That you know all his secrets and his past and yet you're still here. Next to him.

"Are you even watching this?" You ask, turning towards him. Guess he was too obvious with his staring.

Vin's usual bluster and cocky retort is nowhere to be found.

He opens his mouth, words so close to spilling, tongue nervously darting out across his lower lip-

And he notices your eyes drop to follow it, hears your breath hitching.

The words don't come.

Instead, he leans in close. Moving slowly and carefully to give you an easy out, to give himself an easy out to ease the sting of rejection.

To play it off as a joke, though he doubts if he or his ego would ever recover from this.

When you don't move, eyes searching his, looking him fully in the eyes and not flinching, never flinching, he brings his hand up to gently cup your face.

A move that he has cringed at countless times with romance scenes, but now he gets how right it is in the moment.

Vin feels your soft smile against his palm, you leaning hesitantly into it, and it gives him the final push he needs-

You beat him to the punch.

"I... really like you," you say, lips almost touching his, the heat of your breath leaving his skin tingling.

A smirk that is so him settles on his face. In hindsight, why was he ever nervous. Why did he ever think you weren't his type.

"I know."

Vin presses his lips to yours and finally calls you his.

[wayfayrr]

Can I get a Christmas Pudding with a spiked eggnog to eat in?

Ps. love your work also when i checked your event gingerbread and candycane were a bit odd and didnt mention characters.. (as of 23:28 on dec 10)

order up - I hope you're happy with it <3

Yandere first 👀? It's been a minute since I've written for him but he's such a fun link to play with. I'll drop a warning for this though - he's got a few issues regarding divinity and theres a bit of blood/gore in it (although I know some people prefer that)

[Event masterlist]

It’s nice being in a village again since who knows how long. Having another link join us was a nice surprise, even though he’s a bit more awkward than the others. Just a shame his ‘Hyrule’, despite it not being named yet, was so terrible. So empty and dead, full of abandoned villages, at least those that are more than charred remains. 

“If you’re overwhelmed by the crowds we can go back to the inn if you’d prefer.”

His grip on my hand tightened as he seemed to think it over, he’s clearly uncomfortable but there seems to be something stopping him from simply admitting it. I could force the issue and change the question, maybe that could get and answer from him. 

“I was planning to go back anyway, might as well make the most of having a private room for now, right?”

“I suppose that it is getting late now.”

I know that links sacred form is a wolf, but does he really have to lean into the clingy puppy side of it? Not even the rancher is this bad as wolfie, and he’s a literal dog at that point. He isn’t asking to share a room with me though which is nice, even though he’s a link and kind at that, there’s something off-putting about him. 

“Mhm, I’m definitely certain, it’ll be nice to call it early for once too.”

“Right then dear.”

How is he already so comfortable with using pet names for me? He’s known me for less than a week, yet he already sounds like he sees himself as my lifelong partner or something. All of the others have those types of names for me too, but with them? It took a while for them to warm up to me, I wouldn't have stayed with them half as long if they were like this. 

“You remember where your room is right?”

“Actually dear, I wanted to ask if I could come to your room in a moment, I’ve gotten you a gift and I think it’s a good time to give it to you.”

…A gift alone in my room, what is he planning?

“I saw it in town earlier and I was just going get it for you so I could keep it a surprise.”

“You really don’t need to get me anything link.”

“I want to though, it’s the least I could do for you.”

Just a hum. I’m not going to be able to convince him one way or the other, am I? Really though, am I overthinking this, what harm could a gift cause after all? 

I don’t have to wait for too long though, taking the time to sort through my belongings and practice some of the stitches legend and wars taught me to mend my clothing. If I had to guess then I was only waiting for about thirty minutes till there’s a knock on the door. 

“Link you -”

“Why are you covered in blood?”

He’s just smiling. Smiling and holding a package in his hands. 

“I was just getting you a gift, my deity.”

“I-”

There’s no time to even respond as he’s shoving it into my hands as he walks in. I have so many questions but so few answers, why is he so bloody, why is it dripping, why is it warm? He’s looking at me so adoringly though, waiting for me to open it so politely. You know how to untie a knot [name], you can do this, you’ll only make it worse for yourself if you don’t open it. 

“Do you like my sacrifice for you, my deity?”

It’s a freshly butchered heart. Dripping with blood in my hands. He’s killed someone and torn out their heart to give me wrapped up as a gift. And now he’s looking at me for praise, he wants me to praise this. I feel like I’m about to throw up.

“You I… I don’t….”

“He was looking at you and trying to court you earlier and if there’s one thing that I learnt from hylia. It’s that gods adore sacrifices in their name.”

“But… I - I’m not…I’m not a god link.”

He doesn’t believe me, he’s got a sickening smile on his face like he’s done a good thing. Wait - why is he? The feeling of his blood sodden hand stroking my face is even more sickening than the heart still in my hold - why haven't I dropped it - he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong. He’s proud. 

…What have I gotten myself into.

[xaeydnquartz]

Part of me kinda wants to stop DMing my first and current campaign? IDK just need to vent

So, brief expo. like many, got into CR during the pandemic (mainly due to "The Legend of Vox Machina" which lead to me actually bingeing the all 3 campaigns) During which time a friend (who was in my immediate friend group but like the rest of my friend group, i didnt really feel close to) told me that he was really into CR as well. As a fresh new critter, i was stoked. Was able to share my blossoming love of CR with someone (FINALLY!) during which we both mentioned how D&D looked so much fun and that it would be really great to be able to play and ooo what if we got our friends together and played.

After which we discussed, if we did, who would be DM? Seeing as how none of our friends really played D&D our talk lead to either my friend or me and after asking the question "Which do you think you would prefer more?" It was clear i would try my hand at DMing (i like lore in games, and i like storytelling, and im a tad bit of a control freak at times, lol)

Anyway, we eventually got in touch with our close knit of friends, and though i intended to be a standard 6 we suddenly had an 8 party party (and that was with me having to tell even less close friends there wasnt room).

Feeling it would still be manageable (as there was precedent that i could pull inspo from, CR) i began planning a rough idea of a campaign and working with my friends to create their characters and running a session 0 so we were all on the same page. You know standard stuff.

-Fast Forward to current date and time-

It has its stressful moments, but i still am able to enjoy the time with my friends for the most part (though theres a lot of times were ive never felt lonelier) Which brings me to the whole point of the post, my need to vent to the void about this loneliness. Nobody really gets in touch or interacts with me at all. Not to talk about the campaign or even collab on their characters. The most i get are occasional critiques about how i could have done something better couple sessions prior and request to add another person to the 8 person party. When we have sessions, people show up late quite often, leave early quite often, have to cancel as they have other things they are doing (even though we planned and scheduled weeks prior) and even when people are there they somtimes feel like they arent always present. i already feel extremely distant from all of them as they all live closer to each other while i live on the totally opposite side of the state and theyve known each other way longer than i have, but the minimal interactions they have with me, the DM/GM of all people, just continues to add to all of it I know we all are busy with our lives, and that compared to those things D&D is really not that big of a deal or important. And i get that, it is just a game afterall, but it still manages to hit pretty hard

I've communicated my feelings through our time of this campaign, if im being honest, maybe not this indepth. I mean, its partially because i barely see or talk to them (again life gets in the way) but also because i feel extremely guilty for putting this kind of tension to something we are all supposed to be enjoying and relaxing to. Its especially painful as most recently 2 players, who said they would get in touch with me about changes possibly being being made to their characters, never got in touch in anyway shape or form, and its been about a month now? And session is in a week...i didnt even get much as a reply back. Idk, its been almost about a year now and i felt i just needed to get this out somewhere other than debating myself.

Thanks for listening tumblr.

[dsaf-confessions]

I’m going to start this post by saying that I’m genuinely very confused by the entire situation.

I’m aware this wasn’t the best blog in the past, and that the screenshots provided were old, and things I’d already apologised for and learned from.

But in all honestly, I’m mainly confused about the fact that the person im posting about that I won’t name because I’d hate to start drama has already been blocked from this blog an unidentifiable amount of time ago for posting about us on their twitter page, and I don’t like drama, so I blocked them so it wouldn’t escalate

But it still has. Somehow. Because it also seems like they’ve been reblogging posts from this account since they were blocked, which I have no idea how.

That’s just my way of starting this post, though. Because I’m still really confused, accidental blocking bypass aside.

A call out post has been made about this blog, me more specifically, for posting confessions that intentionally start drama.

And I’ve read the post that was sent to me by my friends, and i actually don’t know how to respond to that.

I’m not providing screenshots, because you know, I’m making a response here, I’m not trying to start more drama (and the person has already blocked me, as they’ve said I believe. So they wouldn’t be seeing this post anyway)

but they posted some really old screenshots from this blog back before there were anons and a discord server, who I now essentially treat as a council (this post will be being read by them before I post. Because I don’t actually trust my own thoughts, especially not when I’m stressed out, shaky, and tired because it’s late at night and I planned to sleep an hour ago)

If you weren’t here back then, I admit this blog was chaotic. I made a mistake pretty much. Not by posting any confessions specifically (even though I admit I didn’t have the council back then so a lot of stuff slipped under the radar and caused drama). I made a mistake by making the blog to begin with.

(Note: I have no regrets. This situation is stressful and scary but I’ve made so many friends here, I wouldn’t trade it for the world!! Let’s hold hands and look into the sunset guys)

And yeah. I admit it was a shitshow. And I admit I posted a lot of confessions that shouldn’t have been posted because I didnt know if I would start more drama by just deleting them and having people ask why. And I apologise for that, I’m genuinely sorry. I really wish I had just kind of purged this blog’s posts past a certain point because god it sucked, but it’s not something I can actually do right now.

But the thing is, I’m pretty sure I’ve apologised for this before. And I won’t hesitate to apologise more however times people need, because some really shitty confessions were posted since I hadn’t ran one of these things in A WHILE.

And I took people’s advice. And I made this blog into a place that I thought was chill and drama free. And it was, i think, at least. But everything goes wrong eventually.

When I made the pinned post, I thought my stance on drama was clear. I said that I would delete the confessions that weren’t just ragebait, but would clearly start drama.

But I don’t think people got the memo.

There was also the mini-fandom thing. But I posted that I was very uncomfortable with it because it could backfire, and it was over.

Unfortunately, saying that I didn’t want there to be a fandom probably didn’t even delay the inevitable. Because now there’s a call out post. And this isn’t a response to the person who made the initial post, this is a response and an apology to everyone else who’s probably wondering what the fuck is actually going on right now.

I hope the person who made the post doesn’t see this, actually. Because they’ve already blocked everyone who’s associated with the blog, and if they do see it then it means that they’ve deliberately unblocked us for whatever reason, and that would only show to me that they want to start drama.

This all could’ve been solved in DMs, or better yet, a simple post that said “hey, I really don’t like this blog. I will be blocking everyone associated with it because I do not like it”. Not a callout post. You never DM’d me, or tried to communicate with me. You saw this blog, talked badly about it for a little bit, then made a call out post on the mod without even exchanging a single word of conversation with me about it.

What’s the fate of this blog? I don’t know. I might go on break. I really don’t want to leave the blog, but for the most part I’ve already left this fandom. I don’t really post stuff on main about it anymore. I still like it, but I don’t engage with it anymore for reasons unrelated. Just interests coming and going. However, I might leave. MIGHT.

if it was just this situation that I was dealing with, then I’d certainly stay. Tumblr call out posts don’t matter much in the long run anyway. But I’ve also got a very stressful personal life and this is the last thing I need.

But I don’t know.

What I hope you took away from this post, though, is this:

1) you can block this blog or blacklist this tag at anytime

2) you can dm me at any time if you have any advice or criticism that you think I can use to improve this blog and make it better

3) I don’t tolerate people starting drama, and I certainly don’t enjoy it either.

[bunglegaydogs]

dazais plan

quick little ramble one

well this wont be quick

anyways

im fucking torn apart after the newest episode, because ive not been able to watch it until now because ive been busy.

anyways.

i am in shambles.

i know it sounds like wishful thinking, but i genuinely do think dazai has a plan. of course he does; asagiri isnt going to kill him off just like that without any good reason. unless there is a completely valid, reasonable, sound explanation, then no, i really dont think asagiri will kill dazai. there are too many unanswered questions, too many shut down paths should that happen. it'll pretty much tip the balance of the narrative slightly, shift the story. idk. anyways.

my point is, dazai cant die here. not like this. just like chuuya said when they fought lovecraft. this is not the place to die. they still have so much left to do together. he cant possibly leave him here now. not without a plan.

i just like to keep referring back to the lovecraft fight; "when have my tactics ever been wrong?"

this gives us a pretty clear indication that dazai's plans almost always follow through. we've seen instances where, no, they haven't. oda. 55 minutes. some parts of fifteen.

but these are all extreme cases. he could do nothing about oda, because he didnt know of moris involvement/plan. he could do nothing about oda, because oda had already made his mind up. he could do nothing about oda, because it was too late.

he could do nothing about gab, because gab had been changing the outcome of the entire thing using time travel; dazais no exception to that. if gab knows that dazai knows what he will do, he goes back in time and now knows that dazai knows what he will do, and can therefore get the jump on dazai, who is still in the stage of not knowing what gab knows. confusing lmao.

ANYWAYS SORRY.

my point is, only in the extreme cases where everything is doomed to fail from the start do dazai's plans fall through.

this is an extreme case where dazai's plan NEEDS to come through. it cannot crumble. the literal fate of the world depends on the agencys next moves, and they have to be careful and cautious of/about them. because, should they make one wrong move, everything's fucked.

and, that's the beauty of soukoku. the raw trust.

honestly, trust doesn't even put it into words.

it doesn't do their bond any justice. because it's so much more than that. they rely on each other, they exist within one another. they literally are one soul in two bodies. they exist WITH each other. there's no chuuya without dazai, and there's no dazai without chuuya. so, asagiri will not put chuuya into a world or a plan without dazai there, because they need each other. they need each other to be alive and well and fine. they need each other to pull through this, each playing their roles.

i dont know what kind of wack ass plan dazai has in mind. but i hope to god it comes through soon.

i think the anime really did ch 101 such a good fucking justice; something about that scene was so raw, so emotional, so beautiful. the colours, the expressions, the movements. i've always said this, but soukoku is like a private thing. whenever they're involved, it always seems like you're intruding on their moment. this is theirs. this isn't for the eyes of anybody else. the lack of music and the softness about the dead apple scene, the unity and trust and reliance in the lovecraft fight, the playful back and forth bickering when they rescue q, or at any other moment.

each and every moment between these two is something so special, so foreign and so delicate. like a glass flower. it's so beautiful, and it pulls you in. but you know better than to touch it so carelessly; you must handle it with care and attention. everything about this is important. each small glare, each tiny dent. each little glint in the light, each sharp edge, each smooth side. all of it is worth looking at, and all of it means something. even the most insignificant parts of it have a role to play in making it look so beautiful.

and that's what i think is so fascinating about soukoku. every small interaction, every dynamic, every word spoken between them; it all means something. even their stupid bickering. even their harsh glares. it's all important.

i may be rambling, but god idk. something about soukoku just makes me feral i guess.

the soft moments between soukoku are definitely my favourites.

dazai catching chuuya's falling body out of the sky, and laughing quietly about how he wants to doodle on his face. there's something so childlike and innocent, so pure about that. they get to be the kids they never got the be around each other. they get to relax, unwind. they get to live easy, and breathe easier when they're around each other.

the one panel of dazai gently holding chuuyas head as he rests in his lap. dazai gently cupping chuuyas cheek, nullifying corruption and taking away the absurd amounts of pain that chuuyas in. just in their own little bubble. quiet whispers. something about the way dazai makes no comment when chuuya collapses onto his lap once more, eager to let him rest. something about the way he smiles at him when he's not looking. something about the way he talks to others about him. something about the little comments he makes, without even mentioning chuuya's name, and everyone knows its about him (everyone being us ofc). something about the privacy of their partner/relationship, nobody else knowing the details. nobody else knowing how deep that trust runs between them. nobody.

it's just theirs. their little thing to have with each other. it's only theirs, and nobody can take it away from them.

not even asagiri.

because how can you rip someone's soul apart?

how do you kill half of a single soul?

anyways. im very tired. its half 4 in the morning right now, and im just so out of my mind and sad but happy about soukoku, and how much i fucking love them and their dynamic and could talk about them for hours. genuinely, it feels like i blacked out writing this, i just get out of hand and start going on and on and on and getting more fucking metaphorical as i go.

anyways, hope you enjoyed LMAO have a lovely day/night, wherever you are <3

[mejomonster]

So I've been rewatching The Untamed. Im to episode 28. I remember why I loved this show so much. I watched Guardian, then the untamed was the second cdrama I watched, and had so much charm and quality I got into more authors than priest, got into more genres. I remember learning ni fangxin from the untamed.

The music <3 the costumes <3 the acting is TRYING and i appreciate it. The strongest aspect, outside of the clear effort of the team working on the show putting their care into it, is the writing and pacing. The pace never dwindles for 5-10 episodes like a lot of cdramas ive dropped (although this is a rewatch, maybe i forgot the pace slowing later in the Present plot). The pace is a touch slow sometimes, when it drags out a moment, but it does serve to intensify the moment so its not a pointless choice. The show purposely does a Ton of cliffhangers, which is annoying, but also sure does work as a motivator to keep me going "well just one more episode, they didnt finish my favorite scene!" Im never bored, and on rewatch i realize how many scenes i didnt grasp on my first watch or forgot thinking of as "less important" are actually doing something great. Every scene, from the class scenes showing Wei Wuxian saying how he thinks cultivation can be done (at surface the show off class clown, in reality the foreshadowing that his views of what is okay to help others is not orthodox, not acceptable, and when the time comes he'll use that method and see if it works). To the scene where Wei Wuxian asks Jiang Yanli why she'd like someone outside (i always figured it was slightly about lan zhan, but on rewatch its also wei wuxian trying to figure out WHY she likes jin zixuan, and him and jiang cheng trying to figure out what SHE wants regarding that mess). Or the scene where lan wangji says he wants to take someone back to cloud recesses, on rewatch its clearer that he saw the blood on the wall... the clans planning to bully wei wuxian to give them his amulet and submit, or paint him as an evil man and kill him. That he is asking because theres not much time. Because he planned to try and heal wei wuxian from the resentment, forced ot not, (not knowing the core is missing or why wei wuxian wont agree to be healed), but by the time theyre at the banquet its way more serious. Theres a time crunch. And lan wangji goes to chongqi road. And maybe he couldve stopped the jins and freed the wen prisoners, civilly, if he got there first. Maybe he wouldve joined wei wuxian, if he arrived during, and saw the jins killing the remaining wens. Or maybe he was always going to be late. And thats the point: he was so close, to dragging wei wuxian home to cloud recesses and healing him. But by the time he gets there, wei wuxians already used the resentment inside again, to kill a bunch of jins. A bunch of lan clan and jiang clan allies. Basically done what allies cant do. Not just that, wei wuxian did it with the unorthodox corruptive resentment that lan wangji wants to heal. But the point is he gets there too late. Theres no way to take wei wuxian home. Theres no way to heal him, surely wei wuxian would have done something else if he had a powerful option to save people besides the resentment - and even if he'd still do this by choice? Wei wuxian is right, as he leaves. He swore to help people, to do the right thing in this world. And lan wangji knows what the allies did was wrong, that saving these people was the right thing to do. Not the easy thing, but the right thing. The heroic thing that needed to be done, with no reward, knowing the steep cost it'll have.

And that all hurts. Inside Lan Wangji, its all piles of hurt on top of: he was about to take Wei Wuxian away and protect him. But now its too late.

Its the way Jiang Cheng buys that comb for wen qing. And she gives it back because wei wuxian would save her and a ning, and he wouldnt have. The way when jiang cheng was sick and unfixable without a golden core, that wen qing helped cure him. That wen ning saved jiang cheng and recovered his parents remains. The way that by the time Wei Wuxian takes the wens to the burial mounds, he is trying to do the possible and save wen ning. The way wen qing helped do this for wei wuxian, his little brother. The way he got the wens out to safety, the way wen ning got jiang cheng and wei wuxian and jiang yanli to the safety and protection of wen qing during the war. There are so many parallels. And jiang cheng saying wen ning isnt even human now, qas that how jiang cheng thought of himself without a core? The difference in values, when it really comes to it. Wen Qing picks her brother (family) above all, just like jiang cheng prioritizes his family's safety even if others will die. But wen qing still took the risk of helping outsiders. Jiang cheng when put in the same position, cant understand why wei wuxian would take the risk.

Thw way in the cave with the turtle monster, wei wuxian saves mianmian. He saves someone, stands up for whats right, and ends up blaming himself for helping her... as what started the war and got jiang clan killed. But when push comes to shove, he keeps picking to do whats right the next time things come down (except at his most vengeful and paranoid at the height of getting revenge during the war against the wens). The way the allies turn against wei wuxian as he tries to save wen prisoners being killed. But mianmian stands up to everyone, because she knows whats right. And he is doing the right thing here, and has done it before. And it makes sense she is the cultivator to leave the allies. To stand up for whats right.

Theres so many little details, the map maker spy being meng yao, the way his father uses him as a speaker to redirect anger to jin guangyao, the way jin guangyao and lan xichen and nie mingjue become sworn brothers (and how jiang clan and jin clan arent included), how jin guangyao utilizes political skills from nie work to be a spy at the wens, then uses it to be a political player and even spy (for his own dad about clans) in jin clan, how it keeps jin guangyao alive since it pleases father and he needs to defend himself as father uses him as a shield to take the brunt of the negative reactions to his fathers power hungry actions and offensive controlling toward other clans. The way jiang yanli and lan wangji are the two people who can calm down wei wuxian. The way the jiang siblings and wei wuxians ages, positions, skillsets, heavily influence how they handle the world and others handle them. Jiang Yanli is oldest and most politically savy, as set as her mother when she wins political battles, but she has an illness that makes it impossible for her to lead the clan militarily. Jiang Cheng is the birth son, so hes set to be heir, but hes also wei wuxians junior and has always been in a younger brother position. Servant wei wuxian more talented than him in every way, more free like their clan motto, more coddled by their dad and sister, ordering HIM jiang cheng around because ultimately wei wuxian is older and trying to protect him, but then that means jiang cheng struggles to order wei wuxian in return about clan stuff or politeness despite the fact jiang cheng NEEDS to prove he can control those things. Even over wei wuxian. The way outsiders see wei wuxian and jiang yanlis closeness. The way jiang yanli really is the oldest in terms of ready to protect and help her brothers, in terms of knowing the wisest action if only they TELL HER. But wei wuxian, the middle child, always protected jiang chengs feelings. Always was told it was his job to help jiang cheng. And always wants to pay back jiang family for taking him in (which he focuses on jiang yanli as the older figure in his life who nurtured him, loved him unconditionally, and was always there for him). So when people insult yanli (like jin zixuans many misunderstandings and slights) he just cant help personally feeling the need to defend her. Yanli is on a pedestal for him, the only family left whos wiser than him, who he needs to protect and hold onto, the only person who loves him unconditionally in the way a parent could and so hes got to do Anything to return the favor and give her unconditional love back. As they turn into adults it means starting to lie to her, despite her wisdom realizing hes keeping secrets and suffering and her going to lan wangji to ask. It means him trying to hard to fix things so she isnt as pained by him, as the jiang clan leader and madam yu... who died in wei wuxians mind because of his mistakes.

Anyway. All this to say its finally got me in the right mindset to check out the books. I have wanted to for years. But it just never quite was the right time to click. But now seeing un retrospect how tight the show writing was. I want to see the book, the additional details, the original details that the show changed. The way the characters are different. And I will eventually read the english translation (which has its own things to notice comparing vs the original), which i know i have the first volume of in a box somewhere.

But instead ive been listening to the audiobook. Wondering how much ximalaya cut lol. Because i wanted to practice more chinese audio listening practice anyway.

[regalbootie]

On the down low

Summary: Larissa and reader have a relationship but it is not very well known and an old flame of Weems shows up and is very jealous.

Rated: Mature for future chapters and a little bit of spicy in this one 😋 we got some fluff in here too though

This was written on Google docs and a very crappy laptop so it's not very good and rushed incase my laptop died but looking at other options to write on so I apologise that this isn't very good 🥲

Larissa had never really liked to make a big deal about things that did not include her precious Nevermore academy, she cared for it as if it were her own child. So it was not common knowledge for those outside the academy that she had been happily married for the past year.

She had finally met the love of her life y/n, it took her a long to heal from her past with a certain raven haired roommate but when she first laid eyes on you every worry melted away and every scar over her heart healed.

Today was your first anniversary, Larissa had tried so hard to not have too many meetings but when the Addams family informed her of the date they would be arriving she could not move the date, she had bad history with the Addams family but she could never turn away a outcast that needed a home. So here she was waiting for the family to arrive who was already late, she kept checking her watch checking the time and becoming increasingly aware that she may be late for her anniversary plans.

Thankfully before all her patience had dried up she could see the black hearse rolling through the gates and she plastered on her biggest smile as the car rolled to a halt. The first to emerge from the hearse was a small teen, clearly Wednesday. Next was her brother, the father and Larissa’s breath sucked in at the sight of her old roommate. Her dress was so tight that Larissa was in awe of how graceful she was still able to get out of the car.

Trying to gain her senses before the family arrived to her office she took her seat at her desk and lovingly gazed at the picture she had of her and you on your wedding day. She had a whole big special night planned, god knows that y/n wasnt very good at planning things and was always so forgetful, something that she found very adorable but had you pouting when your attempts of planning things did not work out too well.

Larissa’s thoughts were cut short when she heard a knock at the door and her receptionist announced the Addams family arrival as if she didnt already know. “Come on in” she calls out and soon the family enters her office and Morticia is in awe looking around reminiscing of her school years, once everyone takes a seat the discussion of wednesday begins and Larissa is occasionally distracted by the sight of Morticia adjusting herself in her seat, Morticia casting a knowing glance, flashes of nights in their dorm room flashing behind both womens eyes.

Snapping back to the present when over the intercom her receptionist announces “Principle Weems, Mrs Weems is here to see you” Larissa could hear in the background the sound of a comotion and could only smile at the thought of what you could be up too. Before she could reply Mortica says “oh how lovely, your mother comes to visit you at work” smirking from ear to ear at her little dig, “No actually its my…” the sound of a chase and “come back come back!” could be heard outside the office doors and then a crash.

In comes y/n crashing through the door with something fuzzy wrapped up in your arm. “Got yah!” you shout as you hold onto the little puppy that was already wriggling out of your arms. The receptionist comes in after “i am so sorry Principle weems your wife was trying to catch the puppy and tripped!”

Larissa in a flash of light was by your side “darling are you ok!?” she said as she scanned over you for any injuries,she didnt even register the shocked family all still sitting. She helps you to your feet as you giggle at the puppy giving over enthusiatic kisses over your face “im ok honey, but im afraid my planned surprise has failed” you fake a pout and Larissa cant help but softly kiss them and pet the little pups head. A throat clearing cough can be heard from behind your wife and you gasp.

You did not expect someone to be in the office as Larissa had said she would be finished around this time. You see the one and only Mortica Addams with a look of what you can only describe as jealousy and you smirk. After all this time Gomez finally chimes in with “oh so you’re one of those lebanese?”

Laying your hand over your wifes heart and a dead pan face you correct “it lesbian” you never did like Gomez, he never was the brightness buld of the bunch even back in school. Wednesday smiled at you and you could see a look of admiration on her face as she watched the loving embrace you were in.

“Ah i remember you! y/n you used to follow me around school all the time!” mortica rose from her seat grinning, “actually i was following Larissa” you corrected, “I was trying to gain the courage to ask her out, but if i remember right, anytime I got close to her you would always assume i was trying to ask you out and you would send me away” a red hue of embarrassment burned across the mothers face and you couldnt help but grin and could peep a very happy Wednesday at seeing her mothers embarrassment.

“I am so sorry for interrupting your meeting, its our anniversary today and i thought Larissa had finished for the day so i came by with my gift” rubbing in you and Larissa’s happiness. “Well my love, i shall meet you at home for our plans later” you raise your eyebrows in a comedic way. You lock eyes with Mortica for a second and then pull your wife into a kiss which pulls a squeak for your lover that makes you smile. “Bye everyone! And welcome to the family Wednesday” you walk slowly out of the office leaving the occupants still in shock, one shamed Mortica, one very happy Wednesday and one horny Larissa. (Gomez was still trying to wrap it around his head that its lesbian and not lebanese)

You felt very proud of yourself and turn to blow a kiss as you round the corner to you and Larissa’s quarters to get ready for tonight. You enter the quarters setting the pup into his new bed that you got for him and he instantly falls asleep as he had used up all his energy playing/running away.

You move to the bedroom and a wicked idea comes to you. Moving to the closet you pull out a bag that you had hidden away and pull the contents out onto the bed. There lay the brand new lingerie you had purchased, you had purchased two different sets one scarlet red just like Larissa’s signature lipstick and one blue like your lovers eyes. Pulling out your phone you take pictures of the two options and send them directly to your wife.

*which one do you think you would like more, my love* grinning and biting your lip you watch as the message goes from sent to read.

Larissa heard the bell from her phone as she led the family through the halls and to Ophelia hall she apologized as she checked her phone giving the excuse of expecting important calls and emails. Her cheeks nearly go as red as her lipstick, quickly typing her response.

*either will do as it will not be on your body for long y/n* putting her phone away and continuing her speech on her great Nevermore, it didnt take long for Morticia to take over and talk about her and everything she had done and achieved. Rolling your eyes another bell and she checks her phone this time it was a picture of you in the blue set and Larrisa’s mouth hung open and another bell this time it was the red set. She gasps a little and furiously types “red, the red one” being so consumed by taking in the image on her phone Larissa did not register that mortica had come to her side and saw the image.

Making Larissa jumped pulling the phone awayfrom view, rushing past the angry/ jealous ex roommate to the dorm door where the rest of the family was waiting, Larissa introduced Wednesday to her roommate, smiling as the werewolf introduced herself and tried to bring her heart rate back to a normal speed.

More bells could be heard from her phone but Larissa knew better to open them as she had a feeling at what you were up too. “Well why dont you get settled in and say your goodbyes miss Addams and your dorm mother will be by soon to see you” Larissa smiles at the young woman and rushes past Morticia and down the hall and straight to her quarters.

Busting through the door she growls “you will be the death of me woman” and pounces on you who was laying there shocked on the bed in a seductive pose for the camera.

[bobatelevision]

i had to put my sweet baby down yesterday...

on thursday morning he was fine, eating and drinking fine. nothing out of the ordinary. thursday night he seems to have trouble breathing, he had discharge around his eyes, and kept making these pained noises I've never heard him make before. he had no appetite and wasnt drinking water. i bought some critical care to try force feeding him but he wasnt accepting it at all and tried to give him a mix of pedialyte + water to get him fluids and he accepted some but not a lot. i thought he maybe had some upper respiratory infection and maybe needed antibiotics, so i started calling some veterinarians in my area.

it was really late at night too so i called around and had such a hard time finding a vet to treat him bc most of the animal hospitals either:

-serviced guinea pigs

-their exotic vet wasnt in that night

-serviced guinea pigs but was closed

i was scared to even go to sleep that night bc his conditioned looked so bad, i didnt think he would even make it to the morning. but he managed to survive the night, so i called around again and was able to find a vet about 40 min away that could take him. we enter the hospital and they immediately take him in and i was in the waiting room. the doc comes out to talk to me to explain what was happening.

he had a stone in his bladder that was blocking his urethra and he couldn't urinate. bladder stones can be very life threatening bc if an animal cant pee, it can develop an infection (sepsis) and even get a heart attack. when she examined him, everytime she palpated his bladder he would be in pain, so they gave him a pain injection. they lead me into a room to explain what his treatment would consist of, and i was fucking shocked.

nearly $5k for his surgery and treatment, i couldn't fucking believe it. the worst part is there really was no plan b on his treatment that wasn't euthanasia. i felt so fucking sick, but i had to think on it more. i thought about maybe calling other animal hospitals but i already had a lot of trouble trying to find anyone to treat him at all, and even if there was a miracle situation where i could afford his treatment, it would not guarantee that he wouldnt fall ill again. on top of the fact that guinea pigs are really fragile creatures and dont have very long life spans. the procedure is incredibly invasive and could put so much stress on his little body. i didnt want him to be in more pain than he really was.

so i made the tough decision on putting him down, because i didn't want him to suffer any longer. i'm so heartbroken bc although i knew we would part ways one day, i didnt imagine it would be so soon. we spent past 3 years together, i adopted him mid pandemic bc being stuck in a different country from the rest of my family is incredibly isolating. i gave him so much love and spoiled him so much. he ate veggies & hay to his hearts content, would start cui-cuing at the sound of a bag being opened, he got to sleep in the largest and comfiest pet beds. he used to sleep on my nap while i gamed or watched shows. he was very skittish with people, except for me bc he knew i would give him the world. i'm feeling so defeated rn. i stayed with him til the very last moment, he was very sedated but soo cuddly in the last hour. the only thing to bring me peace of mind is knowing he was relaxed and in no pain in his final moments.

he doesn't know the amount of people that love him around the world, even as far as Australia. he had an impact on many people. all my irls and my online friends absolutely adored him. even my mom, who is deathly afraid of rodents, thought he was so cute and precious bc of how fluffy he is. his departure left a huge hole in my heart. when i got back home, i bursted into tears looking at his empty enclosure. im so used to him jumping around and getting quirked up when he hears me enter my room. i just cant believe i'll never get to see him, or hold him, or even feed him again.

Rest in Peace, my beloved Taro.

I love you so dearly, you may very little but you had a very huge heart.. and appetite. You will always be missed and I hope you are enjoying large quantities of lettuce in cui cui heaven.

[pumpkinsy0]

Ahaha guess who isn’t coping well rn? Me!

Context: today my period came and now I feel all nauseous and sad. But I solider on and went to do some shopping for some food. Issue? my dad also had like a bad day cause of his meeting. So when he found out I didn’t get his like alcohol he got mad. Not like SUPER mad more like passive aggressive mad??

I feel TERRIBLE because I made his day worse. But I’m also just sad right now. I love my dad so much but I feel like sometimes he just CAN’T be there for me. I can’t always ask for loving because he’ll think I’m being weird or needy. Or when I have a bad day, he’s also having a bad day. So I need to suck it up and act fine cause HE needs to let his feelings out. And I just- I just want my dad. I want him to hug him, I want to not have to earn his love, I just— I want him to stop being angry.

SORRY!! I’m venting majorly hard rn and that’s silly and stupid. But I was hoping you could do HC’s of this for one of the Curtis Gang Members. Maybe how that character would handle this. Maybe they’ll have better luck then me.

hey anon!!! im sorry to hear what ur goin through, u dont deserve it, so dont beat urself up!!! ur living ur own life and u shouldnt feel ashamed that u couldnt help someone else live theirs, plus bad day or not, no matter what it doesnt give someone the right to treat u poorly, its not ur fault!!! not even in the slightest!!!! ur sick on too of that, if ur dad cant show some compassion for that, hes the problem

BUT ITS OK!! its not silly or stupid, ur perfectly fine!!!

w all that said letsssss go w fem two bit w her dad here!! (yes this is genderswapped, but lets just say for this sake, twos dad and mom r the same and didnt swap genders)

•two loves her dad, which she knows is pretty odd considering hes one of the biggest con man she knows and even cons her sometimes but she just cannot help it no matter how many times shes mad at him

•two constantly feels like she needs to prove herself to him in order to get him to say “atta girl”, and in a twisted way, she really does but not really???

•two dad doesnt love her completely, but he does love her to a certain extent, he mostly loves what he can do FOR him and to a smaller extent loves her for her, thats guaranteed

•ANYWAYS, two’s sick and her dad got back home from this one con he tried doing that absolutely fucking busted, he got home and he was already annoyed, anything could set him off

•now he had this other thing planned, what was it??? till this day two doesnt know, BUT he told her to steal something for him, only problem is, she didnt get the right one, and she thought he would at least commend her for getting it, bc it was no easy feat, but she showed it to him, and he didnt go off on her, but she did see a look of disappointment and anger before he up and left to go to the couch, which made her feel worse

•for a good while, when he saw her around the house, he would make a comment about something she did, and it got to a point where two just couldnt take it and locked herself in her room till her mom came home late at night from work, just to avoid seeing him

•two mom HATES them hanging out the way they do and can always tell when something happened so when she sees twos dad at the table drinking and grumbling and twos door locked, she knows whats up and tries comforting two but it doesnt work, twos just beating herself up, so twos mom goes to her dad

•all two heard was yelling, it wasnt for long, maybe for 10 mins, but she ended up going to sleep to escape, she was just tired, hungry, and thirsty

•next day, he dad took her out, but it was so weird, bc its one of the only times hes seen him be hesitant near her, well with anyone really

•he drove her around town for a bit trying to make conversation, but failing miserably, and two knew he was trying to apologize, horrendously and in his own way, but he was trying, and to her that felt like enough, felt like a lot actually

[punkisntdeadandneitherami]

Thought i'd share my experience with suicidal thoughts and self harm so here it goes. A lot of triggers probably so you may wanna step out.

When i was 10 years old, i was really stuck on school stuff. like, they put a lot of pressure on us, and i'm a real procrastinator. i waited till the last moment to do all that stuff, and honestly it's my fault. the thing is, i had to stay up till kinda late, wich i used to NEVER do. plus, on the next day we had to present that stuff to our parents, plus dance for everyone else's parents too, and play a song, and i have social anxiety. This got me so stressed for the longest time, bc it was like a huge thing and it was worth a lot of my grades. to top it all off, that annoying ex friend who kept pressuring us didnt even show up.

The next year, i started hating school for it. It felt useless, and i felt no motivation. The worst part was: that year, i made two friends, but they ended up pretty fake, one in specific. she thouht she was better than me, and made sure i knew it. She made fun of using medicine, was pretty ableist and was a complete narcissist. During that time, i started thinking i was autistic. i related way too much with stuff i read about it, but when i told her i thought that she went "haha aren't we all" and just kept on with her life. She didnt try to underestand me, and i think i felt a need to be validated by her. I started feeling the pressure of school, the dependence i felt towards my friends and my self hate, always being fed by both media i came across and my toxic relationship with my own feelings.

Soon, i started feeling extremely depressed, trying to figure out if i truly was autistic or if there was something wrong with me. To complement all that, i started finding out about my queerness, which was important, but it actually only made me feel more stressed.

I had to go with my parents on their business trip on October, and it felt great to escape for a while. The problem was that, by the time, i already felt incredibly depressed. I wasnt exited about anything, had no motivation, and to be honest the only thing that kept me from killing myself was the thought of how my friends would feel, specially one of my best friends, who nowadays i am proud to call my brother, was also suffering with his own mental health.

On that trip, i had many valuable conversations with my friends, them helping me go through this even with the distance, even if every time i saw a window i begged myself to jump. They helped me figure out my sexuality, which also gave me courage to both come out to my mom and come clean about my depressing thoughts.

After i came back home, i started having to wear an orthopedic vest or whatever, idk how to say that in english. Of course that didnt help much my situation, but at least i started going to therapy. I went back into school and saw my friends, including that one girl i mentioned earlier.

While that happened, i had some serious anger issues. I was pretty rude to her, while she was ableist to me. After I told her and my other friends I'm a lesbian, they all were supportive of me, except for her. It kept on for the whole year, until i finally changed schools together with a friend of mine.

I could see other friends on my new school, but the change was weird. The new school was farther from my house so i had to wake up earlier, but at least i got rid of seeing that girl. The thing is, i kept lying to my therapist, and felt like i couldnt tell anyone my thoughts and feelings. I started having kinda murderous thoughts about me killing my homophobic classmates and then myself. I continued procrastinating my arts project, and i thought i'd get a failing grade. Not long after, i started cutting myself. I liked the pain. Its like I had always felt. By the time, i found out a way of fooling the medicine, kind of stopping it from working. I thought I deserved to feel like this. I started planning on killing myself.

I had the perfect plan of every step i'd take. I'd take a cup of coffee on the middle of the night, wearing my favourite PJ's, steal a bunch of ginger biscuits from the kitchen and go to the little empty house on our yard. I'd grab a knife with me. I was going to send my goodbyes via whatsapp, eat all the biscuits and cut my palm with the knife, to use the blood to write on the walls. After that, i'd slit my throat. But i didnt do any of these. Because of my ex brother-in-law.

I started planning my goodbyes, sending myself the texts i'd send them that night, just so i could copy and paste. Then, i'd send their friends texts for them to comfort my friends. On that, i sent my ex brother-in-law a message asking him to comfort my brother the next day. I thought he wouldnt see it immediatly, but he did. He asked why, and i answered i was going to kill myself. He started lecturing me, and i admit that his speech wasnt what kept me alive, but the fact it lasted 10 minutes and made me forget to drink the coffee to keep me up.

I slept tightly that night, the night i had been planning to be my last.

After that hell of a night, i started using my medicine correctly, which helped a lot on my recovery. Today, a fuck ton of time later, I'm telling you about it, because a few days ago i cut myself again. I dont want anyone to go through that, to think their feelings arent valid because there are people who suffer more, who think life is nothing but the limited time of working of the brain and the heart.

Life means, you get to change. Life means, you get to thrive. Life literally means whatever the fuck you want it to mean. So live. It's your only chance.

[thefandom-casserole]

Episode 49 Notes-

Heheheh I had a snow day so I got to listen early!!!!!!!!!!!

THE INTRO SONG OMG

We are winning with the dndads music lately hehehe

“Like there’s a Druid in my mind saying it’s gonna be oak” SOBBING

Oak this is a bop actually

Holy shit there were so many things bad that happened to normal lately 😭 

They’re in the past!!!!!! Oh my goddddddd

Taylor’s Teen Fact: Taylor was the runner up of the Teen High Teen of the Year award (which Margarita Pizza won). Taylor is a very good cup stacker (third place in a competition)

We forget that Taylor is canonically the most popular kid 

Freddie’s facts are always the craziest of all time. I love it

Linc’s Teen Fact: Linc had to do things other than soccer playing so Marco and Grant got him into artsy stuff. Of course he only would pain/sculpt soccer type things. So he decided to start selling them on Next Door (with an account called Foot King). Marco and Grant took him off of the app. He’s a good painter basically

Normal’s Teen Fact: Normal always keeps his hot glue gun on him

Scary’s Teen Fact: Scary doesn’t have a New Years Resolution because she decided it was too resolute (too firm, too definite). She wants to be able to choose whether or not to do something 

Daddy Fact: Anthony’s goal is to write a porn thing and he was reached out to by a porn website to write for them. He was gifted a care package (picture as you will)

He’s already written the script 😭 

OH SHIT TAYLOR AND SCARY AREN’T WITH THEM

Ooohh AU where they ARE the four horseman of the apocalypse 

THE DOLPHIN CULT YAYYYYYYYYYYAGAJAHHSJDND

Sitcom staring the Porpy and Flippy: Cop sidekicks

NO DOOD HAS DOODLERIZED EVERYONEEEEEE

Well Willy did but whatever

Screw Willy

Grill Master the Dolphin!!!!!!! Ayyyyyy

Dang Willy is God

They’re in a five person (well four person now) marriage don’t judge the dolphins!!!!

Awww they’re only like. Fifteen. 

Heh Glenn Close/Jodie Foster (a good guy) in charge of Hell, Willy Stampler (a bad guy) in charge of Heaven

Yoooo wait the FBI is apart of the Hell now 

Lark still hates Henry omg

Sparrow!!! Omg 

Normal and Scary are so similar omg omg omg

Damn Good Omens much

What is it with Willy getting at the Oaks?

OH IS IT BECAUSE THEY HAVE PART OF DOOD IN THEM!?!?!?

“Brother” AYYY THEYRE BACK

The codependents of all time

HENRY NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

This dumb spell my goodness I love their debate

Why are they so set on killing Henry 😭 

Oh only 49 damage that’s not that bad 

TAYLOR BREAKS LARKS ANCLE OMG

Scary noooooooo

SPIDER BOIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Scary’s gonna die 😭 😭 😭 😭 

Taylors such an ass omg

Scary got 44 damage 

“I say no once in six years of podcasting” 

TEHYRE ON FUREEEEEBSJAJAHIWIW

SCARY AND HENRY A DUO I DIDNT KNOW I NEEDED

Lark and Sparrow make me so unwell omg

NO LARK LETS GO OF SPARROW NOOOO

Begging for Lark to have a whole thing about Sparrow with Normal

No one catches Lark 😭 

Taylor is so funny omg

TAYLOR WITH SPARROW OMG

They seriously are having season one vibes I missed this so much omg

Nooo that was such a good transition 

Taylor having his own mini adventure is because they played a Taylor Swift song for their intro

CASSANDRA OH NO

TAYLOR JS GOING TO KILL WILLY IF HE DOES ANYTHING ELSE TO HIS MOM

This whole Taylor thing is giving off BIG Leviathan Fabian vibes with Chungle Down Bim

YOOO THE MARRIAGE THING OMG STRIKES AGAIN

Please say this works 

Roll high

Ohh a 12

LINC JUST PRAYED TO WILLY

Voicemail box 😭 

Of course Taylor is going to find his name 

OMG WAIT FREDDIE’S PLAN WAS LITERALLY OREDICTED BY SOMEONE ON TUMBLR I SWEAR

I DUNNO WHO

BUT MAY APPOLO’S VISION BE UPON YOU OR WHATEVER

Nooooo and it’d be easier for Taylor too because HIS MOM MARRIED WILLY OMG OMG

HIS LAST NAME TECHNICALLY COULD BE STAMPLER MUCH EASIER NOW BECAUSE OF THAT

SCARYA ND HENRY YAYAYAYYAYAYAYAYAYSGHAHWHSHSHSHSVSAHWJHAHSB

Henry stopppppppp you’re messing with Scary :cccccccc

Nooo scary still has the hat omg oh dear

Oh dear Willy’s God now he could probably control someone’s mind through their sleepppp

Oh god I hate Barry so much. He sucked so much I hate him

AHHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHSHHAHSHHSHSH SCARY BEING A SOCCER OEROSN OMG OSBAKAJSH

Taylor squints so hard that someone dies 😭 

AYYY THATS CANON

I wonder if he’s gonna get the original daddies as well as the Kiddads 

Scary’s pulling what Riz did with Biz ayyyy

Aww that would’ve been sick if he believed her

NO NO DONT TELL HER SHE WAS LIKE YOU FUCK YOU WILLY

FUCKING GET HIM SCARY GET HIS ASS GET EM

Scary just wants attention :ccccc

“Good luck” ANTHONY THAT HAD NO BUSINESS BEING SO OMINOUS OMG

Noooo remembering the thing with the cheese :ccc

I miss early season two

NO THATS WHERE EVERYRHING WITH HERMIE HAPPENED AYLGHHHHHHSVSHHSHS

“YOU BITCH” omg normal 😭 

“Give me an L” “You’ve had enough Ls” “I’ll give you one of mine”

No the way it fits the intro

AHHH NORMAL USING HIS CHEER TO CHEER UP LINC

This episode is making me giddy omg /pos

Linc is getting so sad this is worryinggggg. He’s acting like Grantttttt

This whole eye thing is seriously the math questions on my tests 

A happy normal is something I’ve missed so so much

I think literally all of these kids (except maybe Taylor) have a guilt complex (Scary/Willy, Normal/Code Purple, Linc/im not quite sure)

DARRYL AUYYYYYAYAYAYYAYAHAHABBSHSJSJS

JODIE AND GLENN YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYABSJAHWH

Omg Jodie and Glenn together 😭 

WIAT WAIT OKG WAIT

THE THING THAT MAKES THEM BELIEVE JN SHIT

THE WHOLE THING WITH THE CLOSE FAMILY DID THAT FOR TAYLOR

AND HE GOT THE PERSUASION THING

DOES THAT MEAN THATLL HAPPEN FOR THE OTHER TEENS WHEN THEYRE THING IS COMPLETED

ITS LIKE WHEN IN FH THEY GIT TO REROLL A STAT AFTER SOOHMORE YEAR

Scary looks like Larry!!

Omg Freddie is genuinely so smart omg

HAMILTON AYYYYYYYY

Yam ya

I’m gonna use that

He had a flying spell wowwww

REVERSE GRAVITY AUAGAHHAJAHAHHAHAHJW

OhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHH

Will and me both man

Larry is so cool omg

Dood nooooooo 

RONNNNAHGAHAHAHAHHSHS

FUCK YOU WILLY

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOUHAGSJSHHAHAAHAHS

Mfer admits that Ron posed a threatttttt

Honey badger waits for no one 

I’m gonna start using that too

GO BETH OMG 

Willy likes the science kid oh my god I’m gonna sob

Larry gives off church camp vibes

Willy’s doing the spaghetti thing 😭 

OMG OMG

WILLY TAYLOR IS GOING TO KILL YOU IF YOI HURY CASSANDRA PIOE THAT HOLY SHIT

“You’d be a lot prettier if you smiled Cassandra” GET HIS ASS TAYLOR GET. HIS. ASS.

You know I hated Willy before 

But this is a whole new fucking level 

Awww that’s so sweet at the end <33

AHHAHAHAHHAHA THIS EPISODE MAN

I don’t know how I’m gonna be able to wait for the next episode ahhh

IVE LISTENED TO THE ALBUM BUT OMG IM SO EXCITED TO HEAR THE ONE THEYRE RELEASING TO ADVERTISE IT

I’m betting it’s either the Potatoe one or Dead and Gone

Hmmmmm

January 30th!!

Oh screw off siri

AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAIT IS DEAD AND GONE

YAYAYAYAYYAYAYAAYAYAYYAYAYYA

THIS EPISODE IS MT ABSOKUTE FAVORUTE THIS SEASON

[dear-diary-mood-apathetic]

brb im fucking bawling

life story/rambling under cut

I've been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting lately. A lot of revisiting things Id have been much happier to leave in the past.

I always hated hearing how one day it would get better. Because I knew that it wouldnt be that easy. I knew I wouldnt just wake up one day and feel fine. And I think more than anything, I was scared that being okay meant losing the most integral part of my child/teen self: my rage.

I was an emotional kid growing up. I'd cry at everything and anything and all I ever wanted was for everyone to be happy. It was a burden I undertook personally at far too young of an age. Be it the eggshells I took my first steps on or the guilt I'd never let go of simply for the inconvenience of being born a baby. I saw things a child shouldnt have to see and handled emotions and situations far too grown up for a second grader. When I started to understand this, thats when I started to get angry.

I knew that the way I was treated wasnt okay, and by the time I would turn ten I'd gotten violent. I escaped into the comfort of horror media and would often find myself locked away in my dark bedroom on my phone for hours at a time scouring the corners of the internet for the next disturbing thing I could find. But I was just a kid. And that would send me down a multi-year psychotic episode that left me feeling isolated and terrified. And even more angry. I started getting into fights whenever the opportunity arose outside of the house. I wasnt even in middle school yet, but I was filled with blind, white hot rage already.

Once I made it to middle school though, some of the anger had festered into a chronic depression that felt like emotional rot. I developed a lot of awful habits and worsened a few Id picked up prior. I hurt a lot of people in my spiral downward and I still regret many of those things to this day. I was hurting and determined to make other people hurt too. But it only felt fair to me at the time; if I have to go home to my dads cruelty every single day, what did it matter who I hurt? They were supposed to feel bad for me.

It wouldn't be until about 2020 that things started to finally look up. I got my first job against my dads will, and this would be the decision that changed my entire life. I finally started to understand that I wasn't bound by my dads judgement. I met the people who would let me move into their apartment after a shitty roommate situation. And most importantly I met my boyfriend.

I went through a few relationships and there were a few roadblocks before it finally worked out for us to get together. Including my dads impulse choice to move himself, me, and my pregnant stepmother to South Carolina with no actual shelter built except a camper for them and a tent for me in July of '22. But after being friends for about a year and a half, we finally started dating in August. That November, he and one of our then mutual friends made an 8+ hour drive to pick me up on my eighteenth birthday. I turned 18 on November 6th and they started driving on the fifth. If it werent for them I'd still be stuck in South Carolina!

I really think I have my boyfriend to thank for who I am today. When we met I was sixteen and didnt plan on making it to eighteen. I dont think I wouldve without him. Hes been the most supportive and patient person as I've worked to heal a lot of wounds he didn't cause. Ive only been able to do the reflection and self help I needed because of him. I've been allowing myself to let go of the anger Ive defined myself with for so long and its scary. But I think Im going to like the gentler version of myself. The version he deserves.

Because for once in my life I feel like I'm safe. The eggshells are gone. A quiet house doesn't mean tension and a loud one no longer means violence. I can breathe and rest for the first time in a long time. I slept with an eye open for a while, but I think its finally safe to close them both.

[pumakaji64]

i suffer from this annoying problem you see-

i want to do more, i really think i do- but i just feel so confined by my current living situation where i am consantnly around my family- you see in 2020 my father mother and eldest sister had to move in with my older sister and i because of covid costing my parents their jobs- i wasn't exactly doing stellar before this but i was feeling like i was starting to get a handle on my life and starting to figure important things out- but since the move i feel like ive had to put that all on halt......

i stopped going to online therapy because i have no privacy to do so and feel safe because if i wanted to get any real progress id have to talk about my family and my childhood whici i do NOT want any of them hearing about and i cant go physically because i cant drive and i dont want to waste more gas and the time of the others- i stopped drawing because i have no privacy to safely express myself without their eyes unless if i lock myself in my room which they will judge me for and now my dominant hand is permanantly injured making it painful to draw unless im careful about it- i am confined downstairs in the living room most of the time because i need to watch my dog (this is on me though I can accept that) so i feel like i have no space for myself and when i take leisure time feel nothing but guilt everytime my family comes by- they love teasing me over the dog too saying i dont do enough i dont know how much theyre joking i already feel like shit all the time so i dont really appreciate the jabs- being on here is the one consistant thing i can muster up enough energy to do- but even so not without constant guilt- most days off dont feel like much of anything.

its hard even to engage in my interests anymore- dont have the time, dont have the energy, dont have the privacy, dont have the intelligence, dont have the confidence, idk... just been tough lately i guess.

not even my room offers much respite- my parents room is right across and they love to keep their door open- i feel them watching everytime i go in

i feel stuck

i feel like im wasting my life

i feel like i will never get out of here

i do not know what to do

i dont think theres even anything waiting for me even if i can

tw suicide talk

i cant go back to school because i have no idea what i want to do with my life- theres so much pressure for me to be succesful and each day i feel like more and more of a failure- and i know if i try and fail again i might end up trying to kill myself like i did last time

but to be honest i know i cant even kill myself because i know the cost of a funeral wont be worht it and because im too much of a coward to do so

but staying alive isnt much better when you feel like a constant financial drain and worthless layabout all the time

and everytime i think i find some sort of plan or some way out its like a carrot on a stick thats tugged away from me like a joke

it's so funny- i was openyl gushing about how hopeful i felt and now realitys crashing back down once again! there's no getting out of here.

to make it all worse this year has been terrible for me healthwise- im falling apart in so many ways and i feel even worse about being a waste of money-

i dont feel like i can talk to any of them about how awful i feel- most of the time any attempt to do so ends poorly and even when it doesnt nothing changes- i dont know where to make heads or tails of it all- i know im to blame for a lot of my own issues i know i overreact and take things too personally- i feel like i paint an unfair picture of them sometimes but eveyr day feels harder to keep on going- i already struggled with doing basic shit to take care of myself but recently it feels impossible

they did always say i just dont care enough- either its always been true or at some point became it.

i dont want to go to my stupid fucking job that bores the shit out of me- but i have to- i have to be of use somehow- i didnt sleep last night- i dont want to go to work because when im at work i just think about all the things i could be doing- actually useful or fufilling things i know i wont do on my day off despite how badly i wish i was while at my job

but i have to- it's almost time- so i guess i will.

whats the point of writing all of this- a cry for help maybe? pity seeking maybe even if i try to deny it over and over- i guess im just nearing my breaking point- something about these ast few months have been really grueling lately- again probably to do with all the suddent medical issues and the fact that my 20's are halfway done and i have nothing of worth to show for it- i dont know what to do i dont think im ever escaping this place and maybe thats for the best

I’m not a good person- I have all the same horrible traits they do. I just hide it on here to appear more likable.

im 25- its too late- ive wasted my entire life- it was always going to end this way everyone whose ever knwon me could see it thats why they all gave up on me- i did too. theres no point in prentending i can be fixed and wasting any more money. i feel like a ghost in this house watching life pass by. i feel like a stupid child trapped in an adults body.

i dont know what to do anymore-everything feels like sawdust.

But I’ll be fine… I’m numbing it all out. I don’t feel enough to want to hurt myself this time. like i said i have to go to work soon

im going to go downstairs and my mother will see my horribly messy hair and she'll make some annoyed comment about me needing to brush and ask me to run my fingers throught the tangles and we'll go to work. and i'll tell stupid jokes to try to make her smile because its the least i can do.

despite it all i love them still- but some days i wish i could love them from a safe distance.

im tempted to delete this like i do with all my breakdowns that i post on blogs that arent my vent blog but i think i'll keep this one up- because deep down i think i do want some advice or help or something- i cant keep living like this. i dont know what to do to stop. i just wish i had more to offer in return.

or maybe i just need to yell- whatever- doesnt matter- i'll go back to my usual postings on both of my active blogs regardless of whatever happens after this post-im sure i'll regret it later and try to just ingore this and hope you all too but it's like 4 am so whose even gonna see this lol

[raysletters]

get to know your fanfic writer!

i have to be honest, the lovelies @14carrotghoul and @suseagull04 tagged me for this like a week ago and i have incredibly bad memory, but here i am anyway (thanks for the tag and sorry for being late lol 💀)

when did you post your first ever fanfic?

oh my god,,,,,, i think it was 2015(??

first character(s) you wrote for:

before i say this, i need to explain i was a child with a very early access to internet. also, i am, as a great mind said once, a pathological people pleaser, and my sister was a directioner,,,,,,,,, so yes ofc i wrote a fanfic about harry styles for my sister, even though i never published it, and it was just a dumb y/n story,,,,,,,, (this was like 2012). though, since harry styles is a real person and not a character like my 9yo self thought, then i assume the next one would be,,,,, damon salvatore (it was posted on wattpad and absolutely horrible, i had an hyperfixation and created an oc and everything)

main character(s) you’re currently writing for:

alex claremont-díaz, henry fox-mountchristen-windsor, beatrice fox-mountchristen-windsor, june claremont-díaz, nora holleran, and percy "pez" okonjo have all had their points of view written or worked on at some point on my docs. between that and them seeing the light of day is another thing.

character(s) you haven’t written about before but plan on writing about soon:

i- i guess, since they haven't been posted yet, bea, nora and pez will get their time to shine (soon, hopefully) on my next fics. ive also been trying to write a bit of catherine for the diabetic!henry au,,,,, but its been really hard bc its all just too close to home.

fandom(s) you’re currently writing for:

red, white & royal blue

platonic pairing(s) you currently write for:

at this moment im obsessed with writing alex interacting with both bea and pez, bc we didnt get enough of that on the book and fics always show june being besties with henry and i kinda wanted to pull an uno reverse on that trope. also, im really interested in writing some henry and nora, bc they're besties on the book that gossip about drag race and stuff,,,,, but i want to maybe dive into it a bit deeper.

romantic pairing(s) you currently write for:

firstprince and junopez, and ive already have two wips where i give bea a girlfriend,,,,,, so theres that

your top 3 tags on AO3 (if you post your works on AO3):

i literally went to my dashboard to look it up, the first one is my different alterations of the tag "not beta read", but we're not going to count that one. next we have (surprisingly to no one) "angst", "mental health issues" 💀💀, and lastly "songfic" jskssjsksjsksjsksjskswjsksjsksjsks

your current platform where you post your works:

you can find me on ao3 as raysletters

snippet of the wip you’re currently working on:

i am working on SO many wips rn bc ive been sick and that has meant being in bed and not doing shit most of the day bc it hurts to breathe sjsksjsksjsksjskssjsksjkssjsksjsjsjajkssj

here, i give yall a snippet of the musician!alex au yall saw on the wip title game (that can be alternatively called "fulfilling most of smut saturday prompts in one single fic bc i wanted to try writing smut and it quickly got out of my hands")

so, idk if this would be nsfw bc it is not the smut itself, but more like smut-adjacent narration, but still putting the break so y'all can decide if you want to read it or not

This exact moment, though? It might not only embarrass him in a very public setting, but might also make him combust and collapse from sheer lust.

The entire place is crowded to the point of asphyxiation, the fans are spinning at their limit speed on the ceiling, and Henry feels like this is probably how hell feels.

That is, if hell ever had the pleasure of getting Alexander Claremont-Díaz on his knees, making the most obscene and erotic guitar solo known to mankind, thrusting his hips to the rhythm of She by Harry Styles on his guitar while the lights focus on him; his open white shirt shows the chain he now knows contains the key to his family's home at Texas, his glistening chest and the sweat that rolls over his collarbones, his pectorals, his abdomen and then disappear on his navel behind the guitar. It makes Henry reminisce of that first video he ever saw of Alex, and can’t help but compare the performance to seeing it live after more than a year, while knowing how excited he had been at the rehearsal, jumping and moving around while refusing to practice because of his own jitters.

Of course it paid off, Alex, the bloody show-off, has the entire place entranced under his spell, not even the clients sitting on the bar stools, who had shown little interest in the performance through the night, could take their eyes off of Alex.

Henry absolutely gets it, but can't help the feeling of jealousy that courses through him. He desperately wants to drop to his knees to show Alex how marvelous he is, hoping he thrusts in his mouth like he does on his guitar.