#I have slept between 1 and 4 hours every night this week

[gallifrey1sburning]

The fun thing about bronchitis is how much more of tumblr and TikTok you get to see because of the 2:30 AM coughing fits that won’t stop long enough for you to fall asleep

[mangoandice-tea]

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Be kind.

No angst yet, working on it...

Fluff, (undetailed) Smut

The soft glow of early morning filtered through the windows, painting the apartment in hues of gold and quiet warmth.

You had barely slept.

Not because the couch was uncomfortable, or because Alexia snored (which, for the record, she didn’t—she was unfairly peaceful in her sleep). But because every time you closed your eyes, the memory of last night replayed in your mind over and over.

The way she had kissed you.

The way she had pulled you close like she didn’t want to let go.

The way she had asked you to stay.

Now, as you sat on the couch, sipping a cup of coffee Alexia had made before she started getting ready, you watched her move around the apartment—gathering her bags, checking her phone, running a hand through her slightly messy hair.

She looked effortlessly good, even half-awake, dressed in a casual hoodie and joggers, her expression focused but not rushed.

You should have been thinking about what this all meant—about what would happen when she came back, about whether last night had changed everything or if it had only made things more complicated.

But instead, all you could think about was the fact that she was leaving, and you already missed her.

Alexia caught you staring and smirked slightly. “You always look this dramatic in the morning?”

You rolled your eyes, taking another sip of coffee. “You always leave this early?”

She exhaled a soft laugh but didn’t argue. Instead, she sat down beside you on the couch, her body close enough that you could feel her warmth.

For a moment, neither of you spoke. The city outside was starting to wake up, distant sounds of life filtering in through the window.

Then, finally, she turned to you, her voice softer now. “You okay?”

You let out a quiet breath, debating whether to play it off like this was nothing. But after last night, after the way you had shown up at her door and practically spilled your heart out, there was no point in pretending.

“Not really.”

Alexia’s gaze searched yours, and you swore you saw something shift in her expression, something vulnerable, something unguarded.

“I don’t want to leave either,” she admitted. “But I have to.”

You nodded, because you knew that. You had always known that.

Still, you couldn’t help but say, “You’ll come back, right?”

It was a joke, mostly. But Alexia didn’t laugh.

Instead, she reached for your hand, threading her fingers through yours.

“Always.”

Your breath caught.

For a long moment, you just sat there, hands intertwined, the weight of unspoken things settling between you.

Then, Alexia sighed, pulling back just slightly. “Come on, if you keep looking at me like that, I’ll miss my flight.”

You smirked. “Maybe that’s the plan.”

She laughed, shaking her head. “You’re dangerous.”

You shrugged. “You kissed me. That’s on you.”

She gave you a look but didn’t argue. Instead, she stood up, grabbing her bags, and you followed her to the door.

Alexia hesitated for just a second before leaning in, pressing one last kiss to your lips—slow, lingering, like she was trying to memorize the way you felt.

When she pulled back, her voice was quiet. “I’ll text you when I land.”

You swallowed hard, nodding. “Okay.”

And then, just like that, with one final kiss —

She was gone.

The weeks bled into months with a kind of gentleness you hadn’t expected.

Alexia became part of your life not in a loud, sudden way—but like a song you didn’t realize you’d learned the lyrics to.

It started with texts at odd hours. A photo of her post-training boots tossed beside her bag. A sleepy selfie after a late flight. A voice note in rapid Catalan you could barely understand but replayed anyway.

You sent her videos of your attempts to make Spanish tortilla. She sent you playlists. You corrected her English; she corrected your Spanish. Neither of you minded.

There were game nights where you sat in the stands, heart pounding in your chest as she ran across the pitch, her presence larger than life. There were post-game texts like “Did you see my pass?” and “You forgot your scarf again.” You started leaving it behind on purpose.

Sometimes, after especially long days, she’d show up at your apartment with takeout and tired eyes, curl up on your couch in your hoodie, and barely say a word. You learned that love could live in silence too.

Still, nothing was official.

You hadn’t dared ask for more. Not yet.

But you wanted to.

You wanted to call her yours.

It was early spring when you finally brought the flowers.

A little bundle from the corner florist wrapped in brown paper, messy, imperfect, but alive with color. The kind of bouquet that looked like it had just been scooped up from a wild garden and pressed into your arms with the command: go.

You had chewed two pieces of gum already. You were halfway through your third.

By the time you pushed open the creaky bookstore door, your heart was pounding against your ribs, and your jaw was working furiously.

Alexia was already there, standing near the poetry shelf, her head tilted as she skimmed something Neruda. She turned when she heard the bell above the door and smiled, soft and instinctive, like it was for no one else but you.

Her eyes flicked to the bouquet in your hands. Then to your mouth.

“You're chewing that gum like it owes you money,” she said, raising a brow.

You laughed nervously, clutching the flowers tighter. “Yeah, um—nerves.”

She stepped closer, gaze warm but curious. “What’s going on?”

You didn’t want to draw it out. You were never great with speeches anyway.

You held out the flowers, clumsily, earnestly. And then you said it, more of a breath than a sentence:

“I want you to be mine.”

The moment hung there, suspended.

Alexia looked at you. Then the flowers. Then back at you. She blinked once.

And then— “Not while you’re chewing gum like that.”

You blinked. “Wait—what?”

She stepped even closer, a teasing smile curling at her lips. “I’m not letting you ask me something that serious with that much chaos happening in your jaw.”

You stared at her, completely thrown off. “You’re rejecting me because of gum?”

“Not rejecting.” She plucked the bouquet gently from your hands. “Delaying.”

Then she leaned in and whispered, just for you: “I’ve waited months for you to ask. I can wait two more minutes for you to spit that out.”

Your face burned with a mix of laughter and disbelief, but you obeyed, rushing to the nearest trash bin like a scolded school kid, tossing the gum with a dramatic fling.

When you returned, she was still standing there—flowers cradled in her arms like they belonged there.

“Okay,” you said, breathing just a little easier. “Can I ask again?”

She nodded, eyes glowing. “Please.”

So you did.

And this time, she didn’t hesitate.

“Sí.”

You stood there, heart pounding, flowers still half-crushed from your nervous grip. Alexia looked at you like you'd just placed the moon in her hands.

She stepped a little closer, her voice quieter now, nearly lost in the rustle of old pages and the hum of the street outside.

“I want to kiss you.”

The words were so soft, you almost missed them. But her eyes—warm, honest, flickering with something just a little scared—held yours firmly.

You swallowed, barely breathing. “So why don’t you?”

She smiled gently, the kind of smile that reached every corner of her face, but there was a slight shake of her head. Her gaze flicked around the small bookstore—the older couple near the travel section, the bookseller wiping down the front desk, the silence that held more than just stories between the shelves.

“Not here,” she murmured. “Not yet.”

And though your heart ached for her lips on yours, for her hands to find you in that moment of yes. You understood.

You nodded, and her hand found yours instead, fingers lacing together like they’d done it a thousand times before.

“But soon,” she added, leaning in so only you could hear. “Very, very soon.”

And somehow, that was enough.

Because right then, in that little bookshop on a quiet street in Barcelona, with flowers in her arms and your hand in hers, something still shifted. Quietly, surely, beautifully.

She hadn’t kissed you. But she had chosen you.

And that felt like more than enough for now.

It was almost midnight by the time you found yourselves at her apartment. The city had settled into its soft hum, Barcelona glowing quietly behind you as she unlocked the door, let you in, and immediately kicked off her shoes with a content sigh.

You had walked back slowly, hand in hand, not saying much but somehow speaking volumes. There was no rush to leave the bookstore, no urgency in the way she held you a little closer on the walk home. Just the quiet realization that something between you had changed, softly but undeniably.

Alexia’s apartment smelled faintly of citrus and lavender, like home and comfort and a kind of calm that lived deep in the walls. She threw her keys in the little bowl near the door, glanced back at you with a look that was more smile than anything else.

You didn’t talk much while she made tea.

You just sat at the kitchen counter, watching her move around barefoot in her sweats, hair pulled up in that effortlessly messy way she always wore it at home. You weren’t sure if it was the warmth of the tea or just her, but your chest felt full.

Afterward, the two of you curled up on the couch, legs tangled under a big, soft blanket. Some movie played quietly in the background, the dialogue long forgotten. You were barely watching.

Your head was resting on her shoulder, her hand lazily tracing patterns over the back of your arm.

You turned slightly toward her, smiling against her shirt. “You didn’t let me kiss you earlier.”

Alexia laughed softly, a low, warm sound from deep in her chest. “Mmm, no. But I wanted to.”

You leaned back, just enough to see her face. “Still want to?”

She gave you a slow look, the kind that always made your stomach flip. Her hand came up, brushing your hair behind your ear.

“Yeah,” she murmured. “But it’s different now.”

You raised a brow. “Different how?”

Alexia grinned, cheeky, knowing. “Because now… you’re mine.”

Before you could reply, she kissed you.

Slow. Unhurried. Like she had all the time in the world to figure you out.

And she didn’t stop with just one.

She pulled back just enough to speak, her breath warm against your skin. “You taste less like gum.”

You shoved her playfully, laughing, your hands sliding up into her hoodie as she pulled you right back in.

“Stop teasing.”

But she was smiling like she couldn’t help it. “No, seriously. It’s nice. It’s softer now. Sweeter.”

Your cheeks burned at her honesty.

You weren’t used to this, being wanted like this.

So easily. So plainly. So... beautifully.

The kisses that followed were soft and giggly and a little messy. You were both still new to this, still discovering how you fit into each other. But every kiss said we’ll figure it out. Every touch said I’m not going anywhere.

Later, when you both finally settled down, tangled together in the dark of her room, you laid your head on her chest and listened to her heartbeat slow.

She kissed the top of your head and whispered, just before sleep: “Don’t ever stop asking for things like that again.”

And maybe you wouldn’t.

Because tonight, you hadn’t just stayed over. You had stayed.

And somehow, that felt like the beginning of everything.

The weeks that followed felt like a slow, steady river—calm and flowing with intention. You had settled into a rhythm with Alexia, one that felt both natural and new, like you were discovering new ways to be with each other every single day.

The mornings were the easiest.

When you woke up, her face was always the first thing you saw, framed in the soft morning light. You’d lay there for a few minutes, your body close to hers, the steady rise and fall of her chest as the only sound. You never rushed to get out of bed. You didn’t have to.

Your conversations were simple:

“Do you want coffee or tea today?” “Do you want to run in the morning or later in the afternoon?”

But in the way you said them, in the way your hands brushed over each other before breakfast, there was an undeniable comfort.

It was when the night came that things felt different, though.

The gentle kisses that had started as soft as summer rain had deepened into something with more weight, more meaning. It wasn’t rushed—it never was. Every touch, every word, was a careful step forward, measured and mindful.

Some nights, you would lay together for hours, talking about everything and nothing. Other nights, the silence between you was just as comfortable.

And then, there were the moments in between, the ones that made your heart race and your breath catch. When her fingers lingered just a little longer than necessary, or when you both seemed to hold your breath before a kiss, as if waiting for the world to hold still for just a second longer.

It wasn’t always fireworks. It wasn’t supposed to be.

It was slow. Thoughtful. Safe.

You were curled up in Alexia’s bed again, the same as most nights. This time, there was something new between you. The air had shifted just enough that you could feel it, that unspoken understanding that maybe tonight, you’d go a little further. Maybe tonight would be different, but neither of you had spoken the words out loud.

Alexia’s fingers were tracing small circles on your back as you both lay on your sides, her body pressed against yours. You were still in your sweats from earlier, the light from the bedside lamp casting shadows over the room. There was a quiet intimacy in the way her presence filled the space, the way you could feel every inch of her close to you.

You hadn’t rushed. She hadn’t rushed.

But now… now, you were here.

Her lips brushed over your forehead, the softness of her touch pulling you deeper into her. The warmth of her breath against your skin made your heart race a little faster.

“How are you feeling?” she asked softly, her voice just a whisper.

You shifted slightly, looking up at her face. Her eyes were calm, watching you with a tenderness that always made you feel like you could trust her with everything.

“I’m okay,” you whispered back, your voice slightly unsure, though you knew the answer deep down.

She smiled, a gentle curve of her lips, and kissed your forehead before pulling you a little closer. “You’re sure?”

You nodded, feeling the flutter of nerves settle in your stomach. It was strange how long it had taken for things to feel this intimate. For all the moments of closeness, the quiet nights spent wrapped in each other’s arms, this was the first time you both had lingered on the idea of taking the next step.

“I just want you to be comfortable,” Alexia murmured. “And I want us to take it slow. No pressure.”

You sighed softly, running your fingers through her hair. Her words made you feel lighter, like the weight of expectation had suddenly melted away. You didn’t have to do anything. You didn’t have to rush.

You sighed softly, running your fingers through her hair. Her words made you feel lighter, like the weight of expectation had suddenly melted away. You didn’t have to do anything. You didn’t have to rush.

It felt like a moment suspended in time. The world outside Alexia’s apartment—the bustling city of Barcelona, the people, the noise—seemed so far away. Here, with her, it was just the two of you. Her warmth, her touch, her heartbeat matching the rhythm of yours.

Her hand traced down your arm, lingering over the curve of your waist, fingertips brushing softly, almost questioningly. There was an electric charge between you, a sense of anticipation, but no pressure. Every small movement felt deliberate, tender.

Alexia moved in closer, her lips hovering just above your ear, and she whispered softly, “We don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for. But I want to show you, slowly, how much I care.”

Her breath was warm against your skin, sending a shiver down your spine. You turned your head slightly, catching her gaze, searching for something in her eyes, assurance, trust, the same quiet understanding that had been there from the very beginning.

The silence that followed was comfortable. Still, the room hummed with the unspoken tension that lingered between your bodies, pulling you closer, inch by inch. You reached for her, your hands trembling slightly, as you cupped her face, pulling her in for another kiss.

This time, there was no hesitation. It was soft, slow, but with a deepening intensity, as if you both were finally allowing the walls between you to fall. You kissed her with everything you felt, your heart, your longing, your affection. Her lips moved against yours with the same softness, returning your kiss with a kind of quiet, steady passion.

Alexia’s hands moved to your waist, pulling you closer as her lips parted, allowing your kiss to deepen. Her touch was gentle but sure, and with every brush of her hand against your skin, a wave of warmth and trust flowed through you. You could feel her chest rise and fall, her breath mingling with yours, and everything around you seemed to fade away. It was just the two of you, two people in this tiny, private world you had created together.

When she finally pulled back, her forehead rested against yours, both of you breathing a little faster now. There was a softness in her eyes, a tenderness that made your heart swell.

“Is this okay?” she whispered, her voice low, barely above a breath.

You nodded, feeling the flutter in your chest intensify. “More than okay,” you said, your voice barely a whisper. It was true—everything felt right, everything felt as though it had fallen into place exactly when it was meant to.

With one hand still cupping her face, you slowly started to kiss her again, your lips moving with more urgency now, but still slow, deliberate. Alexia’s hands traced the lines of your body with a care you had never experienced before. Every movement was thoughtful, never pushing, but coaxing, inviting.

Her fingers slipped beneath your shirt, the touch of her skin against yours making you gasp slightly. The sensation was electric, but there was something else too, something deeper than desire. It was connection. It was trust.

She pulled back for a moment, her eyes searching yours. There was no rush in her, no impatience. Just a quiet understanding of the moment. She took a deep breath, then leaned in, pressing a soft kiss to the corner of your mouth, then your cheek, and finally, your lips again.

“We don’t have to rush,” Alexia whispered again, her voice filled with a sweetness that made your heart ache. “We can take it all the time we need.”

And in that moment, you knew that you didn’t need anything more. Not tonight. Not yet.

You let your body relax into hers, feeling the tension in your muscles slowly ebb away. Her hands, soft and warm, moved over your body in a slow, gentle exploration. And when she kissed you once more, deeper, with a quiet passion that spoke of everything you had already shared and everything that was still to come, you knew it was exactly what you wanted.

This wasn’t a race. It wasn’t about where you ended up. It was about right here, right now, with her. The way she made you feel, seen, cherished, wanted. She was showing you in every small movement, every kiss, how much she cared. And you were doing the same for her.

For the first time, you didn’t feel the need to hurry. You didn’t feel the pressure of time, of expectations. You felt free, completely in tune with Alexia, taking each step together.

You let yourself fall into it. The quiet, the slowness, the love.

And it was enough.

[communicationthroughlyrics]

I Work Too Hard, Can You Fuckin' Pay Me?

Part 13 - Y/N moved to escape some of thier looming troubles from Westview, to the place that their best friend said would make a difference. New job, new digs, will Y/N make a change for the better, or leave another city with their tail between their legs?

TW: Angst is turning up a notch

Word Count: 2.1K

Read Pt. 1 HERE Read Pt. 2 HERE Read Pt. 3 HERE Read Pt. 4 HERE Read Pt. 5 HERE Read Pt. 6 HERE Read Pt. 7 HERE Read Pt. 8 HERE Read Pt. 9 HERE Read Pt. 10 HERE Pt. 11 HERE Pt. 12 HERE

A Prisoner By My Own Hands

You spent a couple of hours going over all that had happened in Westview. From your womanizer habits that got you kicked out of high school, and had you placed into alternative schooling, your parents kicked you out at 16 and essentially forced you to grow up fast. To Carol, your first true relationship, the older woman led you through the trials and tribulations of adulthood unbecoming. When she left you for a 'more mature, fitting relationship' in another country, you were heartbroken.

You began sleeping around, bringing a different girl or woman home every night, hoping to fill the void that Carol had left in your heart. Many parties with Pietro, and finally one of you had settled down. Pietro was wildly in love with the older woman, and you were eyeing her stepdaughter. But amidst the games, Pietro got hurt and decided it was best to leave, knowing he couldn't stay away from Val if he didn't. Val came over to your place, looking for him, but in reality, she wanted you.

She twisted the moments of vulnerability, making it seem as though she was heartbroken, and you were the rebound. You had felt used and disgusting, having slept with the woman your best friend had sworn was the one. In your disgust, you seduced her stepdaughter, fucking her on every surface imaginable in thier house, Val coming home in the middle of your lusty, anger-fueled stupor.

You told Wanda how anticipated Val to be angry, to yell, to scream at you- force you out of her house. But she didn’t. Instead, she sat there, staring at you with an energy you couldn't quite place at the time. You know it now as a challenge. She watched as you fucked her stepdaughter, before quite literally stepping between you both to fix herself a drink. Once you were done with Maria, Val cornered you, forcing herself onto you.

From that day, you were caught between the two, often time fucking one, before sneaking out of the room to the other. Part of you enjoyed it, the thrill of the forbidden, the other part of you felt dirty, like you had betrayed not only your best friend but yourself. It went on for weeks until you got caught leaving Val's room one night by none other than her husband, and her stepdaughter, hickeys adorning your neck, hair mussed, and flush cheeks.

The look of betrayal on everyone's faces, the ensuing argument and boxing match with her husband, the look of disgust on Val's face as you're kicked out of the house, clothing torn, beaten, bruised, and abused. Val had no shame, and she doubled down. She spread the word of how you seduced her and twisted everyone's perception of what happened into her benefit. How she had been completely oblivious to you sleeping with her stepdaughter when often times she would lick her daughters arousal off you as she fucked you.

You had left Westview with no friends, no family, and no self respect. You had moved across the country to get away from the whispers and the glares of everyone who knew what had happened. But here you were, back in her orbit. You had hoped that with enough time and distance that Val would forget about you, move on, find some new toy to play with. But she was back, and she had her sights set on you once again.

Wanda sat, despondent, as you detailed the lies, manipulation, and blackmail that the woman put you through. She knew some since Val had done the same to her brother, lying and manipulating him throughout thier relationship. She had been so deceitful to Pietro that he had no clue that Val was married. When he found out, that is when he left town.

But knowing that Val had played you too, used you as some sort of twisted revenge on her own stepdaughter and her now ex-husband, it brought a new kind of anger to the forefront. "How could you, Y/N?" she whispered, her eyes brimming with tears. "How could you let her do this to you? You watched her, destroy Piet. You warned him, I know you did. And then you decide to fuck her and her daughter? God," she shook her head, her now stressed demeanor and tense frame exuding a nervous energy that honestly could be cut with a spoon. Her lithe fingers ran through her tressed hair, her gaze avoiding yours.

You felt like the wind had been knocked out of you, the weight of Wanda's words like a sledgehammer to the chest. "Wands, I didn't mean for it to happen like that. I just, I was hurt too, and got lost in the feeling of being wanted. At least, that's what I thought it was."

Wanda stood, pacing the room, "But you knew better! You knew what she was capable of!" She stopped in her tracks, whipping around to face you. "You knew the pain she had caused my brother and you still went there?!" Her voice was raised now, echoing off the walls of her living room. "And now," she began pacing again, her hands running through her hair excessively as you watched her. "Now, she is here, to prove a point. God knows what this point is, but she is here nonetheless."

You watched her, feeling like a deer caught in the headlights. "What do we do?" you murmured.

Wanda stopped pacing, her eyes meeting yours, and for a moment, you saw the Wanda you had heard about in high school, and in Piets stories. The fiery, stubborn woman who will torch the earth to protect the ones she loves. "We? No, no, no, Y/N. You. You need to fix this." She spun on her heel, moving away from you. "This is your mess, and you need to deal with it. And the first thing you need to do, is come clean with Pietro."

Your heart sank, "But, Wanda-"

"No," she cut you off sharply. "You need to tell him everything. You can't keep playing these games with everyone's hearts, especially not his. He deserves the truth, no matter how hard it is. He thought he was in love with that woman, and then you fucked her. Then her daughter-"

"Stepdaughter."

"It doesn't fucking matter, Y/N! It's fucked! No matter how you look at this, and no matter how much she fucked with you, this is still fucked up of you."

You felt your chest tighten at her words, knowing that she had a right to be angry, but hoping she could find a shred of understanding. "I know," you said, your voice thick with regret. "I know it's messed up," your voice coming out almost unrecognizable, small, as you tried to talk to the woman you had grown so close to in the past months. You could feel the tears in your eyes building as you thought about losing Wanda and Pietro too. "Wanda, I just need support. I know what needs to be done, but I need help. I need you."

Wanda's expression softened slightly, the anger in her eyes fading into something more complex. "You need help? From me? After all this?"

You nodded, feeling the weight of your own words. "I know we haven't known each other long, but I feel most comfortable, most stable when I am with you. I don't know how to do this without you, Wands. I don't want to go through this alone again, I will lose myself."

Wanda sighed heavily, turning to look out the window. Her reflection was cast onto the glass, showing the turmoil playing out across her features. "I don't know if I can, Y/N," she admitted, her voice cracking slightly. "This is... it's a lot. We are still in a fairly new relationship, if we want to call this," she motioned between the both of you. "That."

You stepped closer, reaching for her again, but she held up a hand, stopping you in your tracks. "I can't, Y/N. I need some space. To think, to process. You can't just throw this shit at me and expect me to be okay with it. You have to deal with this. You have to tell him, Y/N. You can't keep hiding from him. He's your best fucking friend."

Wanda's words were like a knife to your gut, but you knew she was right. You nodded, feeling the gravity of the situation settle over you like a heavy blanket. "I'll tell him," you murmured. "I'll tell him everything."

Turning away from the window, she faced you, her eyes searching yours. "And what if he doesn't forgive you?"

You took a deep breath, feeling the tightness in your chest. "Then I'll accept it," you said, trying to keep your voice steady. "But I have to try. Like you've said, he is my best friend. And the only family I have."

Wanda studied you, her expression unreadable. "Okay," she finally said. "But if he doesn't, you can't come to me, and expect me to change his mind."

You nodded solemnly. "I won't. I'll handle it."

Wanda turned away, moving towards her kitchen, "I need some tea," she murmured, the tension in her voice still palpable. "Do you want some?"

Wanda's 180 shot confusion across your features. "Didn't you just want me out of here?" you asked, unsure if you'd heard her correctly.

"Yes," she said, her voice tight. "But I also know that you're not going anywhere without a plan. And if you're going to tell him, I need to be prepared for whatever happens next."

You followed her into the kitchen, feeling like you were walking on eggshells. The room was warm and cozy, filled with the comforting scent of herbs and mint as the kettle began to whistle. Wanda moved with purpose, her movements sharp and precise as she grabbed two mugs from the cabinet and a box of tea bags. She didn't look at you, and the silence between you was as palpable as the tension.

"Wanda," you said softly, your voice cracking as you watched her move around the kitchen. You watched as she took a deep breath, resting her hands on either side of the sink to gaze out the window before her.

"Yes?" she asked, not turning around.

"I know," you sighed, trying to collect your thoughts before continuing. "I know that I told you I was messed up. I know that Pietro told you the same thing," you began, your breath catching as she spun and crossed her arms over her chest, a dark stare shooting across the kitchen towards you. "But I want you to know that I didn't just leave Westview because of these situations I caused, and what I put myself in. I left so I could become a better person. So I could change. I am not that same person, Wanda. You have to know that."

Wanda's eyes searched yours, the anger slowly draining away, replaced by a sadness that made your heart ache. She didn't say anything, but the way she looked at you spoke volumes. You knew that she was hurt, that she felt betrayed, and that she was trying to understand. You felt like the biggest piece of shit in the world, standing in front of her, but you had to keep going. You had to make her understand.

"I know, Y/N. But with all of this information, it's really hard to believe that." You let out a deep breath, dropping your head as you stared at your feet. You heard a shuffling, looking up as Wanda poured the steaming water into two mugs before grabbing a spoon for the sugar and milk. She walked over to you, handing you the warm porcelain. She stopped, a contemplative look on her face before she turned back to you. Her hand reached out, rubbing your chest before she stepped away.

"Look, I know it's not fair of me to ask you to trust me after this, but I swear to you, on everything I am, that I have changed. I never wanted to hurt you, or anyone for that matter."

Wanda's eyes searched yours, the sadness in them deepening as she took the mug of tea you offered her. "I want to believe you," she murmured, her voice barely above a whisper. "But you need to understand that this isn't something I can just... put behind me."

You nodded, understanding the gravity of the situation. "I know it's a lot to ask," you said, your voice thick with emotion. "But I promise, from the bottom of my heart, I will make this right. And as much as I need Piet in my life, I need you too, Wanda."

[pinkthrone445]

Hii, can you make a part 4 of “the most wonderful time of the year?” describing the scene where Theo calls Mel mom for the first time? And also describing the scene where Mel and the reader decided to have another kid? Thank you

-The most wonderful time of the year?- Part 4

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

Pairing:Melissa Schemmenti x Reader

Gender: FLUFFFFF, big big flufff

Warnings : (+18) none I think.

Summary:On the morning of your wedding, Melissa takes it upon herself to remind you that it would never be an ordinary life if you are together.

AN: The truth is that when I wrote the first part, I never thought it would have so much support. Thanks for the comments and all the love. I tried to take advantage of as much as I could this week to write and post at least 3 times and I succeeded! Don't forget to reblog or comment, it really gives me great joy to read your reactions. Remember that requets are open and my dms too, to talk or ask anything. I hope you enjoy this lovely noniii💕

It finally arrived, your wedding day was today, it was early and there were still a few hours to go to the hotel to get dressed and put on your makeup. Mel slept soundly next to you with her arms gripping your waist, her breathing was calm against your neck, and some soft snoring escaped her. You didn't understand how she was so calm and slept all night long when you could barely close your eyes.

-"You're thinking so loud hon..."-Mel murmured hoarsely against your neck and kissed your shoulder and you sighed-"Are you feeling good amore? Theo and Sky are still sleeping, don't you want to take the opportunity to rest some more before the wedding?"-Your future wife whispered and you turned to be face to face with her and hid in her chest

-"I can't sleep... I don't know why, I want to do this but at the same time I'm scared and I don't know what... It's not about getting married, because I want this and because I love you so much, but I'm afraid of failing as a mother or as a wife... It all feels so real now, I feel like I'll have everything I want... And I'm afraid that by having everything, one day it will become monotonous and you'll get bored of this life or of me"-You whispered, still hidden in her chest, and she kissed your forehead, caressing your back gently

-"Baby... With how crazy our kids are and all the things going on in our lives, it will never get monotonous, and if it does, it will be the most beautiful monotonous life that can exist, I won't get bored of you, it will only be a reason to love you more. Even if I know every answer to the things you're going to say, even if I know what you're thinking for how much I know you, I'll never leave you, I can't leave you again, I've already made that mistake once, it won't happen again"-Mel kissed your forehead again and got out of bed, leaving you speechless at the sight of her naked body. Almost drooling you followed her with your eyes and you saw how from the closet she took out a white box and handed it to you smiling

-"What is this?"-You carefully let Mel sit on the bed with her back on the backrest and you sat between her legs resting your back on his chest. Once comfortable, you rested the box on your lap feeling Mel hug your waist

-"It's a journey into our history, I was going to give it to you after the wedding, but I feel like this is a good time to watch it, I feel like you need it"-The redhead whispered as she watched as you opened the silk bow it was tying to the box, and pulled out a beautiful, decorated photo album. Carefully you caressed the lid, it was soft and delicate, when you opened it you smiled when you saw the first photo, it was the first photo you had where you and Mel were together.

Melissa had given a little lecture at a university, she gave a talk to future teachers, to motivate them or something. You were on the same campus studying for medical school, you had just started it, but you had already learned more about where the speakeasies were on campus than you had about medical school.

At night, it was common to see you in bars playing a game of drinks or darts for money, you were good and earning that money helped you not to get into debt with your career.

No one could beat you, until you met your nemesis, a stunning redhead who loved gambling almost as much as you loved making money, a redhead twice your age, a redhead named Melissa Schemmenti. Current profession, primary school teacher, in the future, you knew I would be your wife.

After several rounds competing against each other and drawing each time in every game. You decided to play on the same team. That night you won twice as much money as the other nights, but at the end of the competition, Mel gave you the money she had earned, saying that you needed it more, but she would give it to you if you stayed for a beer with her. That night you talked until the sun came up, there was something about her accent, her beautiful body and her crazy stories with her family that had you dumb listening to every single thing she said.

When it was time for the bar to close, the redhead escorted you to your dorm room where one of your classmates was waiting for you.

-"I was about to go see if you hadn't fallen asleep at the bar, but I see it was because you still had company"-Your roommate spoke smiling and wiggling his eyebrows implied something and the two of you just laughed-"She's the redhead you were playing with all night, I have an amazing picture of you two"-Your roomie handed you the photo, where all your friends were in the background cheering on the two of you who had your best competitive face on as you threw pinpong balls into the opposing team's cup. Your friend loved taking photos in his spare time and had captured a beautiful moment.

To think that would be the first of many photos and moments with Mel.

You kept scrolling through the album watching a selfie from when you and Mel officially became girlfriends.

After several visits to the campus to see you, which no longer involved Mel lecturing, you two went for a walk together until you reached a delicate, secluded corner of the campus, where there was green grass that seemed to have not been trodden in years. The redhead put on a delicate blanket and set the basket on top of it, pulling out a delicious lasagna she had made. Mel had heard a thousand times how you complained about not eating well at campus and every time she could she brought you food that she had prepared, it was her way of saying she cared about you without actually saying it.

You and Mel caught up by telling each other everything that had happened in the time you hadn't seen each other, the exams had left you exhausted and you just needed to be with her talking about any nonsense and listening to her beautiful and deep voice. Mel looked at you like you were the most beautiful woman in the world even though you were smeared with sauce and talking with your mouth full.

Mel was determined to ask you to be her girlfriend, she was not a woman of doubts and knew very well what she wanted, but she was human and had her fears. Melissa was aware of the age difference between you, she didn't know if what you had so far was a fun adventure for you, being with someone older than you was something that gave you an important reputation in college.

As you spoke, you noticed the way Mel stared at you, and you blushed at feeling so watched

-"What's going on? Why do you look at me like that? Do I have something on my face?"-You asked nervously and Melissa shook her head laughing

-"No no... Well yes, your face is dirty with sauce, but I'm looking at you because I missed you so much and you look beautiful..."-The redhead replied and you blushed-"You know, I was thinking that now that you've finished your exams, if maybe you wanted to go on vacation with me to see my family... To introduce you as my girlfriend...?"-In the last part of her question, Mel lost a bit of confidence and her voice came out weaker than she would have liked. You stared at her and couldn't believe what she was asking for

-"It's a joke, isn't it? - You asked seriously, leaving the lasagna aside

-"No, it's true, I want you to go with me and be my girlfriend, well, if you want to, I won't force you to do anything, if you don't want we can continue as we are, I'll keep visiting you from time to time..."-The redhead started to deviate from the main topic due to nerves, but she couldn't continue talking as you pounced on top of her, making her back against the blanket and you on top of her kissing her with great joy. When you ran out of air, you sat on her hip admiring how all her lipstick was scattered across her face and she had a silly smile on her face

-"I would love to go with you and be introduced to your family as your girlfriend"-You murmured, smiling, before the redhead brought you back close to her to continue kissing you.

After a long make-out session, you took out your camera to commemorate the moment by taking a photo where the two of you were a little disheveled and with your faces full of lipstick but with a smile from ear to ear. Mel hugged you tight and kissed your cheek as you took the photo.

There were more pictures in the album, of when you visited her family, when you put together the tree. The first holidays together and many others commemorating life events. Until you came across a photo where the two of you were on the floor of an empty house, the first house you rented together

You and Mel had been dating for 2 years, as soon as you finished medical school, the two of you decided to move in together. You'd gotten a job at a hospital in Philly, so the two of you decided to look for a house that was halfway between your job and hers.

The two of you managed to rent a small apartment, it wasn't very luxurious, but it was yours and it was all that mattered. It would be the first time you would live together and that excited you. But it was also scary, it's one thing to go out with someone and another to live together spending and sharing almost every day all day. The things that annoy you about someone grew bigger when you share the same house.

As soon as the two of you arrived at the house, before the moving truck arrived, you took a picture of the empty living room with you two sitting on the floor to make a comparison of before and after that you arranged everything. After that, you went through the whole house to see the place and imagine where you will arrange everything. When you got to the kitchen, the only thing there was was a freezer, an oven and a very large cabinet with a sink, Melissa looked at you with a very mischievous smile that you already knew. The redhead hugged you by the waist making you walk backwards and press you against the counter while still smiling

-"Can you imagine the beautiful mornings making breakfast together? Or the times we'll have sex against this kitchen counter?... We could start now by premiering this piece of furniture before the moving truck arrives, I bet I can get you there at least twice before they hit the door"-Melissa smiled arrogantly kissing your neck and you laughed

-"Don't want it to bet 3 times?"-You answered, and she lifted you up, making you sit on the kitchen cabinet

-"I love a challenge"-The redhead responded by kissing you urgently

You laughed remembering that morning and how Melissa won the bet.

Many more photos appeared, Christmas dinners together with family, movie nights, dates, visits to school to see Mel, adventures, vacations and much more. But you were surprised to see pictures of when you had been doing the pregnancy treatment for the first time to have Theo, some ultrasounds, also some pictures pregnant and some of Theo newborn and others of baby Theo and you.

-"Where did you get these?"-You whispered looking at the photos and remembering how hard the treatment was but it was worth it when you felt his heart beat for the first time.

-"Your sisters helped me put together pictures from when we had separated"-she responded kissing your shoulder and you smiled-"I'm sorry I missed such important things"-Mel confessed

-"Don't apologize for that, I walked away too, it's also my fault. And the important thing is that now we're together... Besides, if my sisters helped you with this, it means that you are officially forgiven"-You joked and continued looking at the photos, you smiled tenderly when you saw a photo of Theo with his first tooth and another where you tried to cut his hair and it was a mess.

After a couple more photos, Mel reappeared in the album, a photo from when she first babysat him and the two took a picture together painting, in the next page a picture of Theo's birthday with his new puppy "grumpy" and another one of the first date the 3 of you had

Mel had chosen a fancy restaurant in which he had made an important reservation, but it was not a place where a child could be entertained much. The redhead knew a lot about babysitting because she was a teacher, but she knew little about what children wanted outside of being at home or at school.

As soon as the three of you sat down at the table, you couldn't find a common meal for a child, everything was extravagant, weird and exotic, besides, you had dressed your son very fancy, and the clothes were making him uncomfortable. Just by looking at her face you could tell that Theo was sad and uncomfortable, but he didn't say anything because he didn't want to ruin the moment and he didn't want the redhead to get mad at him. You didn't want to say anything either because you knew how much Mel had spent on the reservation.

Apparently, Mel had gotten used to being with your son and was almost as good as you at understanding when something didn't like or made him uncomfortable. The redhead grabbed your hand and your son's hand on the table making you look at her, your son's eyes were watery but he kept his eyes on her

-"What do you say if we go somewhere else and eat some hamburgers? A place that has a playground and where Theo doesn't need these luxurious, uncomfortable clothes...-Mel smiled looking at your son and his eyes lit up with excitement, Theo turned to look at you almost jumping in his chair from excitement

-"Can we mommy? Pleaseeee?"-Your little one clasped his little hands begging and you laughed

-"Let's go baby"-You got up, taking his and Melissa's hand to go to the car. Your heart almost melts when you see that Mel had a small bag in the car that had your son's name on it, which had comfortable clothes for him and some snacks he liked, plus headphones for when he was overstimulated. Your child changed in the car and after arriving at the place and eating his food, he went to the playground while you watched him. No doubt you and Melissa stood out in that place with your elegant clothes, but the important thing was that your son was comfortable and happy. Carefully you rested your head on the redhead's shoulder and caressed her hand

-"Thank you for this... I know you had paid a lot for the reservation and that it's also a hard place to get"-You whispered and mel brought your hand to her lips to give you a kiss on your palm

-"That little one is as important to me as it is to you... Besides, it's priceless to see you and Theo smear your faces with condiments"-The redhead joked and you laughed hiding more in her neck, Later that night Theo had fallen asleep in Mel's arms after having played so much and you took the opportunity to take a picture of the two of them.

As you continued to look at the photos you laughed where you saw one of Mel with her red and swollen eyes hugging your son who had a scared face

It had been a few months since the three of you had been living together. That day Mel had to take Theo to school alone because you had surgery very early and you couldn't accompany them before going to work. Before you left home, you left a note for the two of them telling them to have a good morning and to call you for anything. And that you loved them so much.

Mel sent you a message saying that they had made it to school well and that they loved you very much.

When your long surgery was over and you read the message, you couldn't help but smile when you saw how comfortable your son was with her that it hadn't cost him anything to go to school without you. While reading the message, you were surprised to receive a call from the redhead, without hesitation you answered it. Your heart almost jumped out of your chest as you heard your girlfriend crying on the other side

-"Mel, Mel, breathe my love, what happened?"-You asked as you changed your clothes and put your cell phone on speakerphone

-"Nothing bad happened but I need you to come to school if your shift is over, Theo called me mom and I need to see you, please"-The redhead said between sobs, unable to speak well, unable to completely change out of your hospital clothes, you quickly got out to your car and you drove to school.

When you arrived you walked into the teacher's room where your girlfriend and your son were on the couch hugging and crying, Mel was crying with a big smile on his face and your son was crying with a scared face. Seeing you, the two of them shouted your name

-"Hon? You're here!"-Mel spoke excitedly

-"Mama!"-Your son looked at you scared-"I think I boke mom Lisa, my nose stated bleeding, and I went to hel classloom to ask fo help. Since you told me that at school I have to call hel Miss Lissa, I said Miss Mom can you help me?' and she stated caying, I don't know why, I swea I didn't do anything"-Your son told you quickly almost to the point of crying and you laughed and went over to the two of them to hug them

-"Mom Lisa is happy you told her mama, that's why she cries, not out of sadness, out of happiness baby. You surprised her with something cute, like when you cried because Mom Lisa gave you your puppy, she's happy because you made her happy" - You smiled explaining to your son and kissing his forehead. Theo took Melissa's face in his little hands and stared at her, the redhead smiled at him with teary eyes. Without them noticing, you took a picture of them.

-"Did it really make you happy? Do you like me to call you mom?"-Your little one asked really worried about your girlfriend. The redhead smiled and hugged him tightly, showering him with kisses

-"I love you to call me mom, you make me the happiest woman in the world. I love you my son"-The redhead whispered, smiling

-"I love you my mom, I love you both"-Your son whispered and hugged you both

You saw how the redhead's eyes moistened as she remembered the moment and you gave her a little kiss and then continue going through the album. There were many pictures of your son, in his first play, when he moved on to the next grade in school, on his birthdays, when he lost his first tooth, and many more.

One photo stood out from the crowd

One night you and Mel had decided to go camping with your son, that night you had made a campfire and roasted marshmallows, the redhead made up a thousand stories that your son listened to excitedly, looking at her like she's his whole world, until sleep overcame him and he fell asleep in your arms. Mel was dumb looking at you together, especially as your son snuggled over you.

-"(Y/N)?" - Mel caught your eye and you looked at her-"I want to have more kids with you..."-The redhead's confession surprised you - "I've been dreaming for weeks and months about our family, how it grows and how it becomes strong, and I imagine us with a huge happy family, full with joy and many more children, not just Theo... Could we do it? Have more children? Adopt or whatever you want..."-The redhead began to babble nervously, and you laughed tenderly

-"I would love to, we could do insemination so you can see what it's like to be pregnant, feel how it moves and all that... And later we could adopt"-You proposed, and the redhead nodded very excitedly

After that followed photos of the treatment, of your weird cravings, of Theo hugging your belly, of the ultrasounds and much more, until you got to the photo of when Sky was born

It had been a long labor, you started with contractions early in the morning and you decided to tell your family so they could have Theo while you were in the operating room, after several hours of squeezing your girlfriend's hand until you almost broke her fingers, your daughter arrived. A small bundle of joy with a bit of red hair on the top of her head and big green eyes that they barely opened.

After she was cleaned and dressed, Mel held her for a while crying and smiling and then carefully handed it over to you to go find Theo.

Your son came into the room very excited to see you again, you looked tired but you still hugged him carefully while with the other hand you held your daughter. Mel carefully sat Theo on the edge of the bed where he could get a better look at his little sister. Mel's mom captured the beautiful moment of the four of you together. Your daughter barely opened her eyes and smiled at your son showing her pink toothless gums. Your son smiled half-crookedly and then made a disgusted face

-"Oh Moms, she is kinda ugly, she is all wrinkled and swollen and she has no teeth, I think they should have taken her out earlier, she wrinkled a lot like when I stay in the bath too long"-Your son whispered to you and Mel, trying not to be overheard by his little sister and making you laugh. They you proceeded to explain that it was wrinkled because where she had been in your stomach, she was swimming in water.

A couple more photos followed that one, your kids together. Mel asleep on the couch next to Theo and Sky. Mel all vomited for your daughter who laughed a lot because of the redhead's disgusted face. A picture of your kids filled with sugar that they stole while Mel was making cookies. The photo of when Mel proposed to you and then the next pages were blank.

-"As you see here, our life is anything but ordinary, we're never going to get bored, we'll always have stories to tell and we still have more than half a book to fill... Our love will only grow..."-Mel smiled and kissed you slowly, you sighed on her lips smiling until you felt the door of the room being gently knocked

-"Mooooms, Sky is hungry... And I'm hungry too"-Your toddler of 5 years, Theo, shouted from the other side of the door making you laugh on Melissa's lips. After putting some clothes on you and getting back into bed, you replied to your children

-"Come in kids"-Your son excitedly walked into the room with his sister in his arms and they climbed into bed with you two, you carefully took your daughter and put her on your chest to feed her while Theo snuggled into his mom Lisa. Mel pulled out her phone, smiling, to take a picture

-"Last photo with my girlfriend"-Melissa spoke and kissed your forehead hugging your children-"Next photo will be with my wife... I love you so much my perfect family"-The redhead whispered before taking the photo.

[ramblingsfromthytruly]

"You'll not always be motivated so you have to be disciplined."

day 29+30+31/50 productivity challenge - condensing 3 days into 1 post cuz of 2 all nighters in a row i- dw tho cuz i did sleep a couple of hours in between here & there.. still genuinely dunno how i survived. learn from my mistakes & don't procrastinate cuz that's the only reason i was stuck in this mess

23rd September 2024, Monday

[almost nobody from my class actually went to school (& i'm not an exception) cuz tuesday's a study break & wednesday's our chem exam]

💤: 8 hrs - i mean ig at least that's one plus side of sleeping in?

🕒 1 p.m.- *sigh*

afternoon morning skincare

duolingo

practiced playing keyboard

did some college-related research

gradblr intro post

took bath

studied + made notes chemistry ch: structure of atom (not fully)

did so much planning fml (not good, not good at all, i procrastinated a lot!!)

did an exercise video

🚰: 4 glasses

24th September 2024, Tuesday

[study break day]

🕒 6:30 a.m. - my "night" is over & the day has begun

morning skincare

revised chemistry ch: some basic concepts of chemistry

🕒 12 - 3 p.m. - napped

duolingo

had a mental breakdown, pathetically cried, felt like a failure, etc

studied chemistry ch: structure of atom

took bath

night skincare

packed bag for tmr

🕒 10 p.m. - 12 a.m. - napped

🚰: 3 glasses

25th September 2024, Wednesday

[chem exam]

studied chemistry ch: classification of elements and periodicity in properties

studied chemistry ch: chemical bonding and molecular structure

morning skincare

quickly wrote down all formulae + important values

🕒 8 a.m. - left for school sleep deprived asf but caffeinated & motivated to get through the terrible exam

chemistry exam: i will be in deep shit when results come out *sigh* obviously i'm not happy when my friends do bad but only one comfort is that we're in shit together (they're literally the only 2 ppl i talk to in school). i NEED to do well on all my other exams, like somehow make an extraordinary improvement to show that i'm good with the other subjects and will just prioritize studying chem in the future. also made a deal with my mom that if i get above 83% overall then i'll finally get my own tab and headphones. we've been meaning to buy it for some time now, and my mom agreed only because my first tests' marks was at 64% (cuz i didn't study..). not exactly an "academic weapon" just yet.. only yet hopefully..

🕒 1-5 p.m. - came back home & slept like a log (no one's surprised)

(re) planned my day

took bath

ate my first meal of the day (how did i survive till here with just a coffee before school??)

played chess online (lost once, won once)

planned week after dussehra break

night skincare

decided to take a break today & wake up early tmr to start anew; i.e. operation proper sleep every night is green!

🕒 12 a.m. - went to bed finally

🚰: 4 glasses

🎧: a beautiful ravenclaw-themed playlist on youtube

[tea-stained-notes]

Steve Rogers x OFC - Waiting On a Miracle, Chapter 7

After catching an infamous serial killer in the act, Julie Castillo is in line for the witness protection program. She is sent to a temporary safe house with U.S. Marshal Steve Rogers to protect her. Both of them scarred by trauma and tragedy, they find solace in each other. But how far will they dare to go?

Somehow, another two months have passed - whoops. But you're being rewarded with an extra long chapter that is mostly smut FINALLY lol Hope you enjoy!

CHAPTER 1 | CHAPTER 2 | CHAPTER 3 | CHAPTER 4 | CHAPTER 5 | CHAPTER 6

Series warnings: violence, death, angst, trauma, smut

Chapter warnings: anxiety, smut

Chapter word count: ~3250

Song(s) referenced: -

When I entered the kitchen the following morning, Steve looked as if he had slept as much as me: not at all. We mumbled our greetings, a tension in the air that felt nothing like the one from the night before. He was washing his breakfast dishes while I prepared my tea and porridge. Our usual easy dance around each other was awkward and clumsy, apologies given and accepted with eyes cast downward. Eventually he muttered something about chopping firewood, pulled on his boots and jacket, then practically ran out the front door. I folded myself into a chair, trying to soothe the burning ache in my stomach with sips of chamomile tea. Like countless times during the night, silent tears began running down my cheeks. His rejection stung so much worse than I could have imagined. The urge to run from this place, where every detail was infused with him, was overwhelming. I was only now realizing how lonely I had been before him. How much I had longed for the kind of connection I had been denying myself after my mother’s death. How easily and quietly he had made my heart his home. For the first time in weeks I desperately wished for my phone. To call Finn, Samira, Emerson, my dad. To catch up with all the other people I had pushed away over the years. Once I was back in the city, I would do better, would learn to lean on others without the constant fear of losing them. Because even the pain of Steve’s cop-out wasn’t enough to make me regret all the beautiful moments I had spent with him.

When Steve came back inside two hours later, I was mindlessly watching a movie, rubbing my jaw that had once more started hurting from constant clenching. “What are you watching?” he asked quietly. “You’ve Got Mail.” “Missing New York?” I nodded, marveling at how well he could read me. “Wanna join me?” My voice was uneven, breathless. He hesitated for a moment, then gave me a crooked smile. “Sure. Let me wash up and I’ll be right there.”

It became easier again. Little by little we rediscovered our groove, despite the extra distance on the couch, despite his excuses to escape the cabin, despite the constant craving in my chest. Our conversations stayed light, no mention of our impending return to the city. But underneath it all lingered the almost of that one evening. And after three sleepless nights I found myself waking from a deep, satisfying slumber, engulfed in warmth and softness and — his scent. I startled, then locked eyes with Steve above me, his face entirely unreadable. An episode of Sherlock was running on the TV, but definitely not the one I remembered watching, so only God knew how long I had been asleep and how on earth I had managed to burrow into his side like that. Pushing myself up and kicking off the blanket, I stumbled to my feet. “Sorry, I’m so sorry.” Between blushing and fighting a dizzy spell, I could barely press out the words. “Goodnight.” I rushed towards the bathroom, slammed the door shut and took the first breath in a minute. My heart was pounding and still aching from having torn myself from him so rapidly. Only when I was rubbing soap and water over my face did I realize that his arm had been around me. Holding me tightly to his chest.

I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, my mind still reeling. I had to talk to him. In the morning I would force him to have the conversation we had been avoiding. This game we were playing was killing me and I could no longer bear the thought of leaving him and our little world behind without at least trying one more time. Suddenly a small shift in my periphery drew my eyes to the door. The sliver of light beneath it was obstructed by two shadows. Feet. My breath caught in my throat. I hadn’t heard any noise from Steve in over an hour, he must have long gone to sleep. Sweat broke out on my forehead as my pulse began to race. Parker was here. He had found me after all. But this time I refused to let panic take over. It would do nothing to save me. Instead I focused on the adrenaline, on the way it sharpened my senses. And the first thing I realized against every instinct was that my bed was the least safe place right now. Soundlessly, I slipped out from under the covers and set my feet on the floor. I glanced around the room, desperate for some sort of weapon. God, why hadn’t I thought this through before? How could I be stupidly unprepared? Then my eyes fell on a heavy brass candlestick on the dresser. Perfect. Straining my ears for any kind of noise I tiptoed across the room. While I was glad Parker was biding his time, the horrifying plans probably running through his brain right now chilled me to the bone. Focus. My hand closed around the cool metal and I jubilated on the inside. If my luck served me well, I might just make it over to the door. And if I could lock it, that should buy me enough time to call out for Steve before Parker could try to force his way in. Silent second after second ticked by while I crept forward, praying the wooden floor boards wouldn’t betray me. Finally my fingers touched the key and with a deep breath I hastily turned it. Thank God. I almost cried from relief. But just as I opened my mouth to shout Steve’s name, a voice rang through the door.

“Julie? Please don’t lock me out, it’s dangerous. Please, I—“ My fingers acted on their own, turning the key back and ripping open the door. And there he stood. Eyes wide, hair ruffled, hands raised. “It’s you,” I choked before the tears overwhelmed me. “Of course it’s me.” Steve’s face fell. “God, did you…? I’m so sorry, did you think I was him? Oh, sweetheart.” My heart didn’t have time to leap at the pet name, too busy being flooded with pure serotonin at the sight of him. Then I sank into his arms, clinging to him through the sobs that racked my body. “It’s alright, I’m here,” he said softly, caressing my hair. “I was so scared.” “I know, I’m terribly sorry. But you did so well, arming yourself and locking the door. And I didn’t hear you during any of that. I’m really proud of you.” I relished his words and closeness for a moment longer. Then anger slammed into me. I pulled back abruptly, stumbling away from him, the candlestick landing on the floor with a harsh clang. “What the fuck were you doing anyway? Why would you just stand outside my door like that, creeping me out?” “I-I don’t— I don’t know,” he stammered. “Of course you know! What were you doing?” I roughly brushed off my tears while staring up at him in defiance. His chest rose and fell rapidly. “I was… trying to talk myself out of something.” “Out of what?” Something in his eyes sent a shiver down my spine. “This.” And then his lips were on mine, almost searing with heat and longing. A moan escaped me when he wrapped his arms around my waist and molded my body to his. Every inch of me was on fire, the adrenaline from earlier still coursing through my veins and heightening every sensation of the kiss. I sighed his name as his lips traveled down my neck and he groaned in response. He lifted me up, my legs immediately locking around his hips. A second later my back hit the wall and the dull pain only intensified the impossible need for him. “God, Julie,” he panted while trailing kisses along my collarbone. “What are you doing to me?” A string of curses left his mouth as I buried my fingers in his hair and ground my center into his. I was ravenous for him in a way I had never been for anyone. All my brain demanded was more, more, more. “Wait.” My stomach dropped. Fuck. He had come to his senses and the pain after this would be even worse than before. His eyes sank into mine. “I don't want to rush. Not this. Not with you.” Fresh tears of relief formed as I pressed my palm to his chest, connecting to the thundering heartbeat beneath his skin. My other hand caressed his neck, then drew a soft line from his brow along his jaw. I brushed another kiss against his lips, incredulous at finally being able to do this. “Me neither.”

Steve carefully let me slide back onto my feet, then took my hand and walked backwards to my bed, never breaking eye contact. The light from the hallway painted his features in a soft glow. He was perfect. A small tug on my fingers and I was cradled against his chest once more, his mouth seeking out mine. My hands found a sliver of warm, smooth skin beneath the hem of his shirt, which drew a soft moan from him. Still a slave to my greedy heart, I slowly pushed the fabric upwards and he lifted his arms for me, so I could cast the shirt aside. I only took a second to marvel at his torso before pressing my lips to the revealed skin. Overwhelmed by all these new sensations, I barely noticed his own hands carefully unbuttoning and removing my pyjama top. “Are you cold?” he whispered as he ran his fingertips over the goosebumps on my arms. I shook my head, then gently pulled him into me, both of us gasping when skin met skin. We stood like that for a long moment. Lost in each other. “Will you lie down for me, darling?” he finally murmured. I obeyed almost in trance, still scared that if we lost contact for even an instant, everything could shatter. Steve kneeled between my legs. His gaze swept over me, growing evermore mesmerized. Then he leaned forward, placed his palms beside my rib cage and kissed me again. Unhurried but deeply. I melted beneath him as his lips and tongue trailed down my neck, then across my chest and stomach. “God, Steve…” My eyes flew open when his mouth left my skin. He was looking up at me, his hands on the hem of my pants. “Yes. Please, yes.” With a soft kiss to my hipbone he disposed of my pyjama bottoms and underwear in one fluid motion. His mouth and fingers traveled up my thighs, closer and closer to my overflowing wetness. When he finally licked through it, I startled myself with a desperate groan. He briefly caught my gaze, a sparkle in his eyes. Then he pushed my legs further apart, moaning as he buried himself between them and driving me crazy with the soft reverberations. I lasted merely a couple of minutes, hands tugging at his strands, sighing mindless words of praise. “That’s it, sweetheart,” he whispered. “Let go.” Right on cue my insides shattered and I floated away on a cloud of pure bliss. Steve slowed his movements, then pulled away to lick his lips clean.

I pushed myself upright and brought his face to mine to kiss off the smug smile. “Happy with yourself?” “Very. But more importantly: Are you?” “I think you know the answer to that, Mr Rogers.” He let me maneuver him onto his back and I took a minute to catch my breath and lose it all over again at the sight of him under me. “You’re gorgeous.” A soft blush dusted his cheeks. “Ditto.” “Thanks, Swayze,” I chuckled. “No, I mean it. You’re incredible, Julie.” With a fluttering pulse I captured his lips once more before pressing urgent words into his neck. “I need you.” “You have me,” he sighed. I reverently ran my hands over his chest, then slowly peeled off his remaining clothes. When my fingers closed around his length, Steve made a strangled noise, his brows furrowed. “You okay?” “God, yes.” The small grin vanished off my face when he suddenly sat up and panted “Condom.” I blinked at him. “Oh, yeah, good thinking.” It felt anything but. I was not special at all. He had packed condoms, like this was a regular occurrence. Like taking a woman to a safe house would inevitably end in sex. Before I could spiral completely, Steve raised his hands to my face. “I didn’t bring them,” he said softly. “Natasha slipped me some the other day. ‘Just in case.’” A relieved laugh escaped me. “Of course she did.” “But I was crazy enough to actually put one in my pocket tonight.” His thumbs drew small circles on my cheeks. “We can still stop if you want to.” I turned my face to breathe a kiss into his palm. “Never.”

A minute later I was safely dragging my wetness across his erection while Steve caressed every bit of me he could reach. The momentary hurt was forgotten and when I brought him to my entrance, he slid into me without a trace of resistance. By the time he bottomed out we were both panting. His hands on my thighs burned into my skin. I gave us a moment to adjust before settling into a lazy rhythm. “You feel so good,” he breathed. “So perfect for me.” One of his fingers traced a line from my throat to my navel. I leaned back at the slight pressure and moaned deeply at the sensation of the new angle. Heat was swirling around my stomach and chest as I increased the tempo. Everything was too much and yet not enough. Steve seemed to sense this, so deeply in tune with me after the intense few weeks behind us. He let his hand glide down until his thumb reached my clit and began drawing tight circles on it. I gasped, tilting my hips forward. But just when I started tightening around him, Steve placed both hands on my waist and stopped my movements. “No, please,” I whined but he just smiled with an unexpected twinkle in his eyes. “Trust me, it will be even better if you’re patient.” I hovered on the precipice for another second before the sharp edges of frenzy slowly blurred, leaving a sweet, tingling tension. Maybe he was right. I took a deep breath as I traced his cheek with my fingers and his softening gaze tugged at my very core. He pushed himself up, then pulled me into him. I winced as he slid deeper, but his embrace was warm and tight, calming me after that brush with ecstasy. My arms wound around his neck as I pressed a long kiss to his forehead. With our sweat-slicked skin fusing together and his hard length reaching unknown depths inside of me, we felt like a single entity, sustained entirely by heat and closeness. I love you. The words flashed through my mind with such force and conviction, I feared I had spoken them aloud. But my lips were still molded to Steve’s hairline. Relieved, I drew back slightly to find his mouth with mine and pour everything I did not dare confess into the kiss. My heart ached at almost feeling it in his response, the yearning, the need to hold him like this forever that rippled across my whole body. Could this be real? Could this ever exist outside these walls?

All worries paled when his tongue traced a path along my jawline to my pulse point where he began sucking softly. I took a shuddering breath as the fire inside me flared up. “Julie,” he whispered. My voice was no longer my own, so I guided his face to my chest and once more started to rock into him. Within moments I was on the brink again. Steve’s mouth was hot and eager while his hands guided the rolling of my hips, taking us both to new heights. “Fuck, Steve, don’t stop,” I rasped and his approving hum vibrated through the nipple he had latched onto. Everything about this was just right, the friction, the pressure, the angle — and suddenly I was screaming. White flashes overtook my vision and I shook so violently Steve pulled me even closer to steady me. He was panting almost as hard as me, visibly straining under the effort of holding back his own climax. Then he flipped us over to push my back into the mattress. I whimpered at the overstimulation but couldn’t help admiring the incredible sight of him above me. His golden skin glistened as his muscles worked tirelessly for every thrust. One of his hands found mine and they locked together tightly, a connection that almost felt deeper than the one stoking flames inside my belly. The pleasure curling down my spine was laced with a strange sense of belonging and I only hoped he was too lost in his own lust to notice the tears trickling down my temples. I love you so much. My heart tightened once again with the intense realization. “Come for me, darling” I said instead. “Please.” He groaned and redoubled his efforts, once more triggering my orgasm that hadn’t fully subsided. We cried out in unison as he finally let himself go. “Julie,” he croaked. His arms were shaking, barely holding him up, and I wondered how much of it was physical exhaustion and how much might be emotion similar to the one overwhelming my own heart. The shock and relief of having given into something at last. Given something unexpected a chance. Whatever it was, I didn't want him this far away anymore. The few inches between us were still too much, my skin prickling with the urge to pull him close again. So I did. And when I wrapped my arms around his shoulder blades, he melted into me with a deep sigh. As if, at least for a moment, he was too weary to fight anymore. He became perfectly pliable under my hands as they ran up and down his smooth back, his face fitted into the crook of my neck. The sensation of everything Steve crashed over me so rapidly that I had to press my lips into his temple to keep them from betraying me. I couldn't tell him. Not yet, not now. He had wanted me, yes. And he still lingered, seemingly content in losing his control and laser-focus for a little while. But that didn't mean any of this would last past our stay at the cabin. Even past that night.

I had hoped, however, that we could remain in our perfect bubble until dawn at least. Had still found unconditional affection in his eyes as I had led him into the shower. But even while his fingers gently rubbed soap into my skin, I could feel him slipping away from me, drawing further into his own little safe house with every passing second. And I had no idea how to bring him back. He stood by my bed when I settled under the blanket, his eyes once more unreadable. “Go to sleep, I'm just gonna get some water.” “Hurry back,” I yawned. He nodded once, the smallest of smiles on his lips. I sank into the sheets, letting his scent engulf me as sleep pulled me under.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

CHAPTER 8

MASTERLIST

Tag List: @multifanworld @peguem-o-pombo-agora @cvanstagram @yslvtre @wandasrogers @littleredone88 @before-we-get-started @sophham @missaprilt23 @chrissusmissus @dvmb-whxre @daddydraco0 @quicksilversthings @thechoosenonecreator @rosellia-hudsons @lokirogersgirl @nekoannie-chan @readawaythereality2 @yal1d @hyperfixationhovel

[zadig-fate]

Me and my Poland tour bestie (noriko_743 on ig) were reflecting on our insane week following the guys around and realised that we basically did a speedrun on the entire JO fangirl checklist.

It was Nori's first in-person JO gig ever at Warsaw 1 (!!!)

We got barricade for the first time in both our lives

Nori got photos and hugs with ALL the guys

I got a guitar pick in Wrocław!

We sang Umazane Misli with Bojan at Warsaw 2

Bojan actually recognised me in Poznań and Prague and remembered what we'd talked about in Wrocław 🙀

Nori got handwritten lyrics from Bojan for a tattoo

Nori's ig story got reposted by Kris!

We both ended up in Vita's photos on the band's official account

We ran into the guys "in the wild", i.e. out in the city during the day

We got the live debut of a new iconic outfit (all-white Kris)

We saw all (I think all?) the Stožice outfits in person

We saw the Demoni scream and Kris NGVOT in person

I was the numbers person / unofficial "queue manager" for the pre-wristband queue at Warsaw 2 and Poznań

We participated in fan actions that the guys really appreciated (shoutout jokeroutpolska for organising)

I met lots of tumblr mutuals 🥰

I met a bunch of people I have plans to see again in Munich, The Hague and Amsterdam

Like... it's crazy just how much happened in this last week. And there was no one show where we got everything, or nothing. Every single gig had something special to offer. So if you're wondering whether it's "worth" following JO around on tour... it really, really is. The experiences you have and the people you meet are incredible.

Speaking of, here are some other unforgettable tour experiences that will stick with me for a long time to come:

Nori and I only met at the hostel before Warsaw 1, and she wasn't even planning to come to that show, she only had a ticket for Warsaw 2! But I talked her into getting a cheap resale ticket for Warsaw 1, and she queued with me, and she loved it so much she immediately bought tickets for Wrocław and Poznań too, so we booked hotels together for the rest of the tour.

I literally just met Nori last week?? But we spent nearly every minute together between Warsaw 1 and Poznań, dealing with the highest highs and lowest lows of tour life, and it now feels like we've been friends for ages.

After the fucking absurd queue situation at Wrocław (4:45am and #45, WTF????) we decided that after the show, we would wait outside for the boys and then head straight for Poznań in my car. So we literally drove through the night with our new friend Safursey and formed the start of the Poznań queue.

Our hotel in Poznań wasn't ready until 2pm so we literally just took turns queuing and sleeping in my car. Nori and Safursey let me have the first sleeping shift since I drove us overnight.

I think we only slept between 15-20 hours total over 8 days???

I'm actually glad I got to experience a cursed gig (Prague) where everything went wrong. Seeing how professionally the guys reacted and how smoothly things were resolved made me appreciate just how experienced and calm they are.

Nori and I were unknowingly the centre of a major Twitter outrage after Warsaw 2 because someone accused us of stealing the microphone after Umazane Misli. Neither of us are on Twitter so we didn't even know about this controversy, but someone was clearly accusing us (and it was definitely us from the context) of stealing the microphone to sing, even though we had a sign asking to sing UM and Bojan was obviously pointing at us to get the microphone next (which is clear to see in all the videos of that moment).

Our friend Safursey deleted her Twitter account after Prague because people who were not there were spreading all kinds of insane rumours and unfounded accusations about the queue and Bojan's ig stories and refused to be corrected by the people who were actually involved. She got so much hate for explaining what was actually happening on the ground that she left the platform entirely, so that should tell you how toxic Twitter is.

I was feeling like such utter shit after the drama in Prague that I didn't even want to attend the concert anymore, but Safursey and @thisismyobsessionnow (Nori didn't come to Prague) came to comfort me and convinced me to still come to the gig, and I really appreciate that.

Overall an emotional roller coaster, but one I wouldn't give up for anything. We had SO much fun and met SO many people. I would do it again any time.

[thetreetopinn]

My ADD Medication Journey - Mar 15, 16 & 17, 2024

Oops... got distracted by other things (visiting the parents over the weekend). Forgot to make an entry here.

Friday, March 15th

Slept a little better then the previous night. I'd guess I managed somewhere between 4 and 6 hours. Not quite enough for my liking but it was sufficient to get me through the day.

I had taken a sleep aid--some over the counter antihistamines repackaged and rebranded as a sleep aid--and put on some soothing stuff to listen to while I lay in bed. It seemed to do the trick. I hope I don't have to keep taking the antihistamines every night I've taken my ADD medication.

Woke up feeling tired, but I'm used to that. Took my medication as soon as I was able to get something to drink--around 8:30am.

Work wasn't terrible, not as productive as I might have liked, but I did get enough done to still feel accomplished. The workload has eased down substantially now that A) we've kind of streamlined the process a bit and B) the backlog is effectively gone.

There's still some older stuff sitting there waiting for me to tackle it, but it's not super critical, and I've got other matters to address.

Tremors weren't as bad as the previous day, but still enough to notice.

I was able to focus enough on the things that mattered such that the most important things got taken care of.

I left to go see my parents immediately after work. For a not small stretch of the night, mom sat with me to go over my taxes so that we could both be reasonably sure I hadn't missed anything. I'm not super fond of the tax preparation services, and my state doesn't offer a proper free-filing method... because... well... fuck this state.

I got notice that I've been approved for my new apartment, and had to deal with some paperwork with that. More will be coming soon.

Went to bed later than I would have liked, but such is life.

Saturday, March 16th

Had trouble sleeping, but I got something like 5 or 6 hours of sleep I think. I always have trouble sleeping in a new bed, even if it's one I've slept in before, just not in a while.

Not taking my medication on the weekend so that I can guarantee a good night's sleep.

Got up early enough to eat breakfast with dad at a local place. Came back in time for him to go with others to go see a movie while mom and I babysat. That kid has waaay too much energy for me to keep up with.

Energy level was markedly lower than the last couple of days, but not low enough to make me need to nap as hard as I had during the weekends while on the previous run of medication.

Ended up napping anyway, but not for very long.

Finally came back home later than I would have liked but oh well. It didn't take long for me to start feeling drowsy enough to want to crawl into bed. Fell asleep fairly quickly.

Sunday, March 17th

Slept pretty well. Got more than 8 hours, which helped with the sleep debt from the week.

Took the day pretty slow and lazy, didn't have a lot I needed to get done, but of the things I should liked to tackle, I only got some of it done--such is life with ADHD and you don't take your meds.

I ended up feeling pretty tired at about 1 or 2 in the afternoon, to the point where I fell asleep in my computer chair for a little while.

I don't know if it's specifically the sleep debt thing because of the medication, or if it's also a function of just getting older.

Feeling a normal amount of tired as I'm looking at going to bed here in just a minute. Hoping to have a normal night's sleep.

[callipraxia]

Day Three Progress:

Total Word Count: 5877

Notebook Page Reached: 30

Percentage of Project Completed: 12%

Narrators Utilized: 1

Number of Scenes Worked On: 1

Interactions Written: 5

Outfits Described: 2, though far more sparse descriptions than any previous outfit descriptions.

Random Thought Had: “…how sure am I that I know how adding one hundred to a number works? Five seconds ago I was totally confident about that but now I am unsure if the number is getting bigger too fast. Why does this happen every time I think I have figured out a relatively painless way to address a problem? This is second grade math for crying out loud!”

Gonna be honest, I was displeased with my output for Day Three. There was a lot of filler, and a lot of deliberately using three little words where one ordinary word would do just to get to the count, and even then, I barely made it to par before midnight after writing hear-constantly for the last three hours of the day. I was feeling exceedingly poorly yesterday - all week I had been unable to sleep except for between the hours of 6-9 am, and I didn’t thrive on that kind of sleep diet when I was young. Now, it was a clear Message: find some means of going to sleep, or illness would be with me shortly.

Thankfully, though, my anxiety meds finally arrived at the pharmacy, so I slept from 1am-9am. Said medication and several rounds on the heating pad helped with the bad shoulder, as did taking six hours off of my unofficial job as my grandmother’s minder - I went home, washed several loads of clothes, washed up where my mother had been cooking earlier, and was in a much better state of mind by evening. Dr. Jean Shinoda Bolen would probably lump me in with the Hestias in her book of “conceptualizing feminine archetypes as Greek goddesses;” I don’t know if I would say I find anything spiritual about doing housework, but the silence and solitude and satisfaction of rapidly-visible results does do wonderful things for me. It’s one reason I’m so fond of Emily Bronte; her writing, sadly small though the surviving quantity is, is amazing of course, but I also relate to her intensely as a person. I, too, don’t do well physically or mentally when I spend too much time among people in 3D and can only really achieve equilibrium in a “very noiseless, very secluded but unrestricted and unartificial mode of life,” to quote Charlotte Bronte. I’m somewhat more gregarious than Emily (I can’t even see EJB posting anonymously on AO3, much less writing all this on tumblr), but despite that, I’ve always had an affinity for her, even though my collection of flaws is more akin to Charlotte’s.

As for why this wasn’t posted last night, there’s an easy explanation for that! Between scrambling to preserve my Duolingo streak and squeeze in my last NaNo update, my phone battery was extended past the limits of what it could do on 10%. So the phone died in my hand just after I started typing this post, so I put the phone on the charger and went to bed.

Anyway. Yesterday is over, today is another day. Here’s to a better Day 4!

[la-principessa-nuova]

week 1 on my adhd meds felt like i kind of understood what was happening

week 2 i’m just so confused what’s even happening

like i stayed up really late twice in a row and i’m not sure how much or in what way the meds might have contributed to that happening

and then i felt so tired the next day it was really hard to judge much but that’s just from lack of sleep

then i went to bed normal time the next night

but somehow slept through all of my alarms and woke up at 10:30 and ran upstairs for work still half asleep

and nobody said anything about it or asked when i joined the meeting 30 minutes late so 🤷‍♀️ but maybe i just lucked out bc most of the team was out today so things were a little weird anyway

and then i was really easily distracted today because there was this one thing that was really bugging me about the code i was working on that i kept looking into instead of doing what i was supposed to

but then it turned out i uncovered a pretty major issue so idk maybe that was actually a normal thing to get caught up on

but i was like dead tired after work and went straight to lay down in bed but then something happened and my parents needed me to watch the dog so i went and got her and i was feeling a bit more awake by then after getting a break from work

and then i organized my pins and ate dinner but now im so tired again

which is normal and good to be tired at this time i guess but i need to get ready for bed if im doing that now

and also like i’ve been eating way less

which i can certainly afford to

but i think that’s from a thing my therapist suggested

and it basically has completely changed my relationship with food

but i just like feel so thrown off my game

and like who’s life am i even living?

idk

but i make meals and sit down at the table to eat now

and i like it, it turns out

eating is way more enjoyable when you focus on it and take your time

instead of rushing to inhale a frozen pizza so you can use your lunch break to scroll tumblr

i’ve learned a lot about dissociation this week, especially depersonalization, partially from reading about it and partially from hands on experience

and today i did not take care of myself

after running upstairs late to work and demoing what i did yesterday when i worked a little late to the people who needed to see what i did, i went downstairs to use the bathroom, brush my teeth, etc.

i should have just taken an early lunch, but i decided to try finishing that work first so someone who needed my changes to do their work could have it ready.

but i should have brought up a drink, and i didn’t. so after finishing the one i poured last night and brought up with me in the morning, i had nothing all day.

and then i just forgot to go to lunch, and i worked until after 6.

btw i’m supposed to work 9-5 (mostly flexible but i have a meeting at 10 every day), but this week i worked 9:30-9:30, 9:30-6, 10-4, 9:30-6, and 10:30-6.

Part of that was not respecting my own needs over other people’s and pushing while burnt out to get something done that somebody else is waiting on, and part of it was just hyperfocusing on something interesting at the end of the day and suddenly realizing it’s late and I feel so tired I’m not sure I can handle the stairs, sometimes at the same time.

so i found myself at the end of the day having not eaten or drinken anything all day aside from the rest of my water from last night, until i cracked open a can of soda at like 7pm, which i drank over the course of like 2 hours.

so at like 9:30 i had only had that to drink, and i’d eaten some trail mix at some point between work and then, and i still felt all out of sorts

and then i had a very small dinner (not like intentionally trying to eat a small dinner, i just made something small just to get some vegetables in and then after eating it i was like “i guess i’m done eating now”)

and now i’m laying in bed typing this feeling really tired and wanting to just roll over and sleep but i do need to least take my meds and brush my teeth and hopefully have the energy to shower after that

and then i should go to sleep but im like so likely to suddenly be awake

[nathank77]

10/31/24

10:32 a.m

It's been approximately 365 since I was forced against my will to spend a night in the psych ward and it permanently fucked me up. I'm trying not to dwell... but it's hard not to remember that I microslept and all the events that I'm now having flashbacks to that occurred this day approximately 1 year ago. I remember everything so vividly. I remember i hadn't slept for 4 days. I remember what time I was admitted. I remember what lead to me going to the e.r. I remember what I told them. I remember everything. And I mean everything.

I'm truly trying not to dwell but talking about things helps..considering i don't really have a therapist anymore. Erin stopped seeing me. Mike is sick and cancels legit every single week. And the new therapist canceled 3 times out of 5 appointments....... I didn't have therapy last week..i haven't had therapy this week. So all I have is tumblr.

Anyways I'm trying a new statin as of yesterday night. I have to take it 3 days a week... to try to mitigate side effects..... my wrist hurts... technically I couldn't have slept on it wrong. I feel potentially muscle weakness... idk....... I mean that's the problem.... before starting it I would occasionally have a muscle spasm. Or a sore neck or something from like sleeping on it wrong. Or muscle spasms bc of dehydration/stress/anxiety/caffeine. It makes it hard to know whether or not I am having side effects or if I am anxious and having tactiles....

I realize something very important. I don't have things to do. I mean just laundry, cooking, showering, running errands like grocery shopping.

What does that mean? All i have time to do is have anxiety. All I have time to do is freak out about thing, overthink and create side effects.....my wrist could hurt bc I slept on it wrong, it could hurt from doing the pumpkins. It could hurt from the statin too.

I mean it's problematic. I'd really rather not go on injectables... as a transguy, as happy as I am about testosterone I think about my testosterone it makes me remember it's a commitment to life long injections... or at least creams and gels which I've tried and don't like. The injection is ideal for many reasons. I can't transfer the gel onto someone else. I don't have to put it on everyday.

But as a transguy I truly understand the commitment it is to have to do biweekly injections for the rest of my life. Even if I get my ovaries removed.... id go into menopause in my 30s if I were to stop testosterone...

Of course this injectable medication is different.... but it's a commitment and not one im positive i want to do.

Yet as I'm typing my thumbs hurts... I feel as though it's hurt before.... cause I mean this generation is prone to arthritis.... being a gamer, someone who writes, and someone who texts and uses my phone.

I haven't met anyone. Life doesn't get better and I'm really considering running away since this dog is permanently here with my monthly check and getting that Airbnb and ending it.

I don't have anything to live for. If I was a someone i would pop a new medication. Go to work, pick the kids up, make dinner. And if I was to have anxiety about the side effects sure I could have some... but I'd have less time to dwell and worry about it.

I want to change my diet cause my cheese intake is disgusting and I know it contributes to my chlorestoral..

Sleep was awful last night. I had a dream where I woke up at 8:30 a.m and my alarms never went off. Idk how many hours i got. I must have gotten between 5-7... but falling asleep took a while.

The two nights before, I struggled to fall asleep, it took a while but I did.

Tonight I'm giving myself a tiny bit more xanax since it's the year mark of having spent a night in the psych ward...

I'm wondering how my thyriod is doing. As I'm hungry more frequently... and living behind the barricade I'm sure helps... but there is also another anxiety....what if I'm right and my mother would rather me live behind this barricade until Riley dies and this is my new life. Feeling like I don't matter at all to my family..

I wish I had something to do except have anxiety. I wish I was a someone. I wish the dog would leave..I hope the statin works out.

But it's like sometimes I wake up with neck pain cause I slept funny and id never say it was white mulberries or lions mane.... so it's like a catch 22. I'm hyper vigilant and anxiuos and anxiety can create muscle spasms. And I also have tactile hallucination still.

I feel like my life is purposeless. And I should end it before it gets worse.

[brokenlibrarygirl]

so I need a bit of a vent…

My parents have been in town since the 14th. I love them dearly but they treat me like I’m 17, not almost 49.

My townhouse/condo has two switches in my kitchen that can be temperamental. One is for the overhead light (which will flicker or not turn on completely every 50th-100th time) the other is for the garbage disposal (which won’t turn on 5% of the time on the first try).

I live with it because it doesn’t bother me, it’s not completely broken, and I don’t want strangers in my home. Monday comes and the kitchen light doesn’t turn on immediately. Of course this is an emergency for the two of them. I wake up and they tell me, I flip the switch and it turns on. But, of course, “We HaVe To Get It FiXEd.”

I tell my mother, that she needs to call and take care of everything. The company “allegedly” will be here the same day. 7 hours later, they have to reschedule to today. I was fine with that. I slept 11 hours that night because of the anxiety the day caused. After a quiet day yesterday; I was ready for today.

So parents go to overnight with friends and make me get up before 6 am. (4:50am if you need to know) I get the reconfirm call for the appt. at 9 am. I’m to get a call 30-45 minutes prior to arrival. OK. I’m chill, and enjoying the alone time.

When 1 pm rolls around, I get a bit annoyed. I’ve been up for 7 hours, It’s been 4 hours and no call. From Mondays’s experience I knew not to call. At 2pm my mom calls to check in. I tell her I’m cancelling if they reschedule again. I used a lot of F words to emphasize my anger.

For context I worked retail/customer service for 10 years between my teens and twenties. I know that a lot of things are out of control for service workers. I am empathetic and patient. You really have to fuck up or waste a shit-ton of my time until I lose patience. I work with middle schoolers…..

2:30 rolls up with a call from the company offering a gift certificate if I reschedule for next week. I said, as calmly as I could, “I’m sorry, but I’ve already wasted two days on this, I’m going to have to cancel.”

If you work as a an electrician for a company that claims same day service, QUIT!! I would rather know what day and time you’ll be at my home, even if it is three days from now, than waste 72 hours waiting for “same day service.”

[fanficg12023]

The revolution against the pigs 

Synopsis:

What if old Benjamin had helped the animals by reading the seven commandments or explaining what was happening on the farm? In the book Animal Farm, Old Benjamin is an old donkey and one of the only animals who know how to read, but he refuses to read the 7 commandments, he wants to stay neutral in the situation, but by refusing to explain what is happening, he helps Napoleon to continue taking advantage of the animals. So, what would have happened if he had helped them and the animals had realized that the stories the pigs told them were all lies?

Rafael T.Kubala e Teresa Neustein 9ºD

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FANFIC:

Snowball was expelled, and now, Napoleon, assisted by the other pigs, is the leader of the farm. Because of this new regime, their situation is worse than ever, but they didn't realize that because of Squealer's lies. They were working countless hours in the windmill and on the farm, eating the same food every day and sleeping on the ground of the barn; while the pigs lived in their own homes, slept in bed, wore clothes, and ate delicious food.

One night, when the animals were almost sleeping after a long day of work, a group of pigeons came desperately with some important information. All the animals got up, even those already sleeping, to hear what they wanted to say. The pigeons started screaming breathlessly because of how fast they came to the farm, they saw Napoleon talking, apparently making some commerce deal with a man called Mr Whymper. The pigeons also said that making commerce deals, especially with humans, was against the 7 commandments and Old Major’s speech. 

The animal farm was in chaos, they were all screaming and trying to understand what was happening because they all had a vague memory of Old Major's speech that said that any relationship between animals and humans was wrong and needed to be avoided. Trying to get some explanation from the pigs, they knocked on Mr. Jones' old house, which the pigs now inhabit. After a while of knocking and screaming, the dogs came out barking at the animals, they got scared and backed down, and then Squealer came out with a confused look on his face. The animals explain what the pigeons told them:

Comrades- Squealer said- This is insane, Napoleon is only doing that to provide a better life for you comrades. Old Major said that commerce with humans is allowed if it’s done for the benefit of Animal Farm, he never prohibited commerce. Dear animals, I already know what happened, Snowball must have come into your dreams and put those crazy memories into your heads. Now go to sleep because we all have a lot of work to do tomorrow.

Even though the animals were not convinced, they went to the barn to sleep, but they couldn't, they kept talking about it. When Clover looked to the side and saw Old Benjamin in a corner, with a tired and angry face, she screamed eagerly:

Old Benjamin!- she said- you know how to read, right? You could read the 7 commandments to us! That way we could know if what the pigs are telling us is the truth, and you probably remember Old Major's speech, if you could freshen up our memory it would be great! 

Old Benjamin simply said no and turned around, but Clover insisted: 

Why not? It would help everyone, do you really want to live in a world of lies?- Old Benjamin didn't even move- come on, we all gonna give you half of your food for the next week, right comrades? - every animal listening agreed- so, what do you say?

Old Benjamin turns to them and walks outside of the barn, every animal follows him, to the wall where the 7 commandments were written: 

The seven commandments are: 

1- Whatever goes upon two legs is an enemy;

2- Whatever goes upon four legs, or has wings, is a friend;

3- No animal shall wear clothes; 

4- No animal shall sleep in a bed; 

5- No animal shall drink alcohol; 

6- No animal shall kill any other animal; 

7- All animals are equal.

 And also, in Old Major’s speech, he said that any kind of relationship, commercial or not, between animals and humans was totally prohibited. 

Listening that the animals started screaming again, Animal Farm was again in chaos, even Boxer was speechless with this situation and followed the crowd that started punching the front house’s door: 

The pigs are doing everything that is prohibited in the 7 commandments!!!- scream a couple of animals

Squiller opened the door, and right when he was about to say something, the animals pushed him away and ran inside the house. They went upstairs, dragged Napoleon out of the bed, turned on the oven, and threw a blanket over the fire, burning the whole house down. 

When all the animals were outside, Clover started screaming:

We know everything you guys did to us, It’s all against the 7 commandments and Old Major!!

Squiller started to explain themselves but Boxer cut him:

Don’t ever try to explain something to us again! We are tired of your lies! Starting from now, the pigs are going to sleep in the barn with us, eat the same food, and work the same hours, otherwise, you two are going to have the same ending as Snowball.

The pigs, with no choice but to accept, started working in the field the same night. Defeated, and finally, there was peace and equality on the farm, now all the animals are equal.

[calamityandme]

I have been hating myself so so much today. I burnt the cinnamon rolls I was trying to make for breakfast/lunch. It was the icing on top of my shit cake that’s been this week.

I have been trying to keep my head up, but it’s been hard. We are broke because of utilities being so high. Our electric bill was very high because 1. AC hadn’t been working for a week and 2. Our landlord didn’t fix a broken window for FOUR fucking months lol. Landlords amirite.

I have been trying to eat canned goods so we don’t have to get groceries for a bit.

The past three days the temperature in our place has been hovering between 86-82 F. It’s been so hot I couldn’t wear anything other than a bra and underwear inside.

Every day I have been taking “pool baths” where I make the temp of my bath water what you’d expect from a public pool on cloudy day. Goosebump level cold.

I couldn’t stomach the thought of food because the house was so hot, but I had a pounding headache and I knew it was from a lack of food.

I found a non-expired can of green beans and ate it in one sitting while sobbing lol. I felt delirious. Everything was making me cry.

I couldn’t even sleep in the same bed as my partner. I slept on the couch the first really hot night, then he did next.

I don’t want to sound like a complainer. At least we still have food and a place to live. I just can’t stomach the thought of eating some of the food we have.

I used to love pizza rolls. I’d buy a big bag of 100 for $10.50 at Walmart. I ate them for many months until one day the red sauce made me have bad acid reflux. Now, I see the couple handfuls of pizza rolls still in their place in the freezer and I want to gag.

I imagine what they taste like. All I can taste is freezer burn. I know that flavor very well.

Similar story is to be had for the breakfast sandwiches in the freezer. Partner got tired of them right as I did and we have a few left in the box.

I feel like my body tries to find anyway possible to make my life more difficult lol. Of course I have to be insanely picky when I am starving. Sometimes I would rather starve for HOURS instead of eat a non-safe food.

I couldn’t eat today until 4 PM because the only safe food I have today is homemade mac n cheese. I couldn’t cook until the house cooled down from 82 F to 75 F.

I hate how particular I am. Why can’t I go with the flow? Why do I both think too much and not enough before I speak?

Okay I’m done

[bbtsficrecs]

BTS fic recs. part 2 I’m sorry for the long wait, but here’s part 2 of some of my favorite bts fanfics. If you ever wanna talk about one of the fanfics or recommend me one, hit me up! Once again, remember to send some love to these amazing authors. Happy reading!

Part 3 will be uploaded soon, so be sure to follow me for the next recommendations!

⊹ Navi ‣ Part 1 ♡ Part 2 ♡ Part 3 ♡ Part 4 ♡

I’m still sore from last night (fluff, smut) | Single Dad Jungkook AU, 2,3k @solarwonux “For a dad, you’re always horny. I thought having a kid would kill your sexual prowess.”

The art of wanting drabble (fluff) | Dilf!Jk, 1,2k @venusiangguk Gardening and pool day with dilf jk and baby nari

The art of caring (smut, fluff) | Dilf!Jk, 4,7k @venusiangguk Jk picks you up after a fight with your roommates… he and nari are better company anyway!!

The art of craving (smut, fluff) | Dilf!Jk, 6,9k @venusiangguk Jk takes you to a bbq at his friends house. the tri-tip is good but the creampie is even better.

The art of playing (smut, fluff, angst) | Dilf!Jk, 6,3k @venusiangguk Costumes are a must for jk’s work party… they come with the cutest heart-shaped cuffs… now what could they be used for? 🙄

The art of waiting (smut, fluff) | Dilf!Jk, 3,9k @venusiangguk Jks back from his business trip, and he’s wearing new pjs… you must get his face between your legs.

The art of doubting (smut, fluff-ish, angst) | Dilf!Jk, 17k @venusiangguk Seeds of doubt are planted and unfortunately they grow faster than love. things with jk fall apart.

Warm me up (fluff, smut) | Bf!Jk, @pjm-com When temperatures drop below 50 during camping, Jeon Jungkook’s body heat is what’s keeping you a live. But he wants you to do something in return.

Play date (fluff) | Dad!Jungkook, 1,7k @mercurygguk Jungkook finds your jealousy amusing and quite adorable.

In the frosty air (angst, fluff) | Roomate AU, 1,6k @gukyi Two weeks ago you and your roommate slept together. which would be fine, if you knew you both felt the same about each other. but you don’t. And now it’s Christmas, and Jungkook is still gorgeous and gentle and wonderful and here, and and you don’t really know what to do about that.

Chapstick (fluff, smut) | Bf!Jk 5,8k @softyoongiionly Jungkook’s had a really long day and the only that can make it better, is seeing you.

Stay (fluff, smut, angst) | Popstar!Jungkook, 8k @jungkxook Jungkook wasn’t always so madly in love with you but the fact that you’re sleeping with two of his band mates too makes things a tad bit complicated.

Risqué (smut, angst) 1 (on going) | Age gap AU,  9,2k @mercurygguk In which Jungkook realizes you’re not a 15-year-old girl with a silly crush anymore, but rather a seductive, young woman with her eyes set on him. you’re tempting but is it worth the risk for Jungkook?

Tantalizing (smut, angst) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 | College AU, 47k+ @littlemisskookie Back in high school, you were nothing more than a nerd Jungkook wanted to deflower, to get a good fuck from. When he sees you at the club, though, things have changed drastically, and his dominance starts to teeter on the edge.

Stay with me (fluff, angst) | (ex)Bf!Jk, 1,8k @bangtanfanficarchive It wasn’t realistic to try to keep going this new thing that you had over long distance. It wasn’t fair to you and it certainly wasn’t fair to him. There was so much that wasn’t fair about the situation you’d been forced into.

Cherries and vodka (fluff) | Friends to lovers AU, 697 @luvjimins Jungkook’s had his fair share of kisses, but god yours is the best he’s ever fucking had.

Idealizations concerning real life relations (angst!!, smut) | Fuckboy!Jk, 40,9k @venusiangguk Jungkook loves to be loved, but he doesn’t love in return.

The devil’s change up (smut, fluff) | Baseball player Jungkook, 41,3k @jungblue Majoring in athletic training means you have mandatory observation hours to perform with every single sports team at your school throughout the year, and so far it’s been going pretty great. However, when regrets from your past cause your rotation with the baseball team to become a little rocky, there’s one star pitcher who says that he can make it all better.

i hate you, i love you. (smut, angst, fluff) 1, 2, drabbles | Best Friends AU, 19k+ @jungblue You hated him at seven, warmed up to him at twelve, and liked him at fifteen. Now the two of you are twenty years old and inseparable best friends… and you’re absolutely in love with him; he’s in love too—just not with you.

Have A Nice Day (smut) | Doctor!Jk, 2,3k @lookingforluna With your doctor out of town you’re scheduled for a check up with a different doctor. The visit however turns into an unexpected one and you have no problem with that.

The Unsaid Vow (Prologue) (angst) (ongoing) | Yandere Husband Jungkook, 5,4k @chinkbihh You always knew when you weren’t wanted. And the way things are going in your marriage with Jungkook, a divorce is looking more and more likely. While he’s getting closer to a woman at work that you’re certain he’s having an affair with, you’re planning your escape with your four-year-old son. However, five years of marriage did not expose you to a certain side of your husband. A side of Jungkook that only gets triggered when you try to leave and break apart your perfect ‘family’.

Hurts good (angst, smut, fluff) | Idol!Jk, 3,3k @mercurygguk Jungkook stands you up after promising to take you out. You’re pissed at him but he makes up for it in all the right ways.

Forget me not | eoalh drabble (make sure to read all parts of eoalh first!) | Fuckboy!jk, 1,8k @jeonstudios Jeongguk thinks he’s bad at love.

Stoic (smut, angst) | Ceo!Jk, 4,2k @blue-jade You would rather continue listening to his constant lies and fake gestures of love than accept the fact that your husband was cheating on you.

Redemption (smut, angst) | Exes AU, 6,8k @blue-jade It’s been years since you and jungkook got a divorce and separated, and you’re both suffering in your individual ways. jungkook, still dealing with the consequences of his selfish and heartless actions, and you? you must tackle life as a single mother…

AURORA (angst, fluff) | Tae x reader, Jk x reader, 6k+ @krreader Dawn comes after the darkness, and with it the promise that what has been torn by the sea is not lost. - Lisa Wingate

MY FAULT (angst) | Idol!Jk, @krreader He hid you from the world, friends and family for two years, before you finally had enough. 

MY FAULT - THE AFTERMATH (angst, fluff) | Idol!Jk, @krreader You were desperately looking to put an end to yours and jeongguk’s relationship, since your break-up didn’t exactly give you closure. but where there’s an ending, there’s a beginning as well.

I SURRENDER (angst) | Idol!Jk, 2,3k+ @krreader There was no use in fighting for something that someone else was willing to throw away so easily… you had no other choice but to surrender.

Sharp Cookie (angst, smut, fluff) | Ex-boyfriend!Jk, 13,1k+ @minyfic When your ex-boyfriend, aka new boss, asks for a chance, you struggle to believe him when he says that he has changed his womanizing ways.

Fight for you (angst, smut, fluff-ish) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 | Bodyguard!Jk, 70k+ @ahundredtimesover Working at a private security agency has its perks. The downside? Being the personal bodyguard of spoiled, rich heiresses like you. But there are things that Jungkook didn’t expect, like rejecting you, falling for you, and realizing what he’d been missing all along. 

I can’t wait to tell you, I told ya (fluff, angst) | Bff!Jk, 16,2k+ @moon-write Jeon Jungkook is a successful realtor with a big house, nice car, colorful dating life, and a spunky 7-year-old daughter to boot…he’s also your best friend who you used to be in love with. Of course, he was never made aware because you swear it’s all in the past…until it isn’t. But going on a cruise with Jungkook and his daughter whom you adore should be harmless. Absolutely nothing can go wrong…Right?

Bewitch (smut, fluff-ish) | Idol AU, 2,7k+ @minyfic Jungkook misses you, he yearns for your touch, your smile, your body, but the virtual form of your presence would have to tame his impatience.

Run (smut, fluff, angst) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 | Arranged marriage/mafia AU, @neonlights92 Jeon Jungkook hops from bed to bed, sleeping with as many beautiful, rich women as he can possibly find time for.  He’s young and attractive, with a silver tongue that gets him practically anything he wants.  So when his friend and boss, Kim Taehyung, tells him it’s time to settle down, Jungkook takes it pretty badly.  And when he finds out that the woman he’s destined to marry is, in fact, his little sister’s best friend, he is less than impressed.

Bliss (fluff, smut) | Dilf!Jk, 3,7k+ @taegularities  Jungkook really, really wants to show you how deeply in love with you he is.

Endgame (smut) | Gamer/Boyfriend!Jk, 1,8k+ @blue-sidez Cock-warming your gamer bf 

D.va (smut, angst) | Boyfriend!Jk, 2k+ @minstrivia It’s a pretty important day for you but Jungkook doesn’t seem to think so. 

TO ALL THE MEN I’VE FUCKED BEFORE (smut, fluff, angst) | Fake dating AU, 30,7k @hisunshiine When your secret 'sex’ journal entries are somehow texted to the people they were written about, including a couple of coworkers and your best friend, you find your quiet work existence turned upside down. b´Based off of the Netflix film and novel by Jenny Han, but different.

Careful What You Wish For (angst, fluff) | Boyfriend!Jk, 4,5k @kookiesbuckethat After a tiring week of work, the last thing Jungkook wants to hear is you lecturing him about taking care of himself. But what if he could never hear your voice ever again?

Brain Dead (smut) | Dom!Jungkook, 1,3k @bts-bay-bee Bf Jk fucking your brains out

The Morning After (smut, fluff) | NoneIdol!Jk, 1,7k @jungkookiebus You wake up after a long (wink wink) night with your boyfriend Jungkook, and on this particularly lazy morning you take things slow and appreciate one another. 

DAMN THE DELIVERY BOY (smut, angst, fluff) | Expecting Parents AU, 9,6k @deerguk Jeon Jeongguk is a computer science major working as a pizza delivery boy, and you are an uninspired published author who has just started an art degree. When you realise that the delivery boy is your old high school crush, he keeps coming back, but with more to offer than just puff pastry and vegetarian supreme. Though little did he know that he would end up giving you something much more that flips both of your worlds completely upside down in the form of two blue lines and nine months.

GAMOMANIA (fluff, angst) | Childhood friends AU, 6,2k @army-author Your best friend has been proposing to you since preschool. Granted, he didn’t know what marriage meant at age four. But he certainly knows what it means now… 

Confession letter (angst) | Classmate AU, 1,2k @angelguk The one where you wrote jk a confession letter and slipped it into his backpack but he didn’t see it and a month later he’s confused as to why you’re now ignoring him when really you’d absolutely gutted because he rejected you without knowing.

Another Game (smut, fluff) | Bf!Jk, 2,2k @jjungkookislife During a break in his gaming with Taehyung, you join Jungkook on the couch. He offers to let you practice your aim, but an idea sparks in his head that involves the use of his controller for nongaming purposes…

A Simple Game (smut, fluff) | Bf!Jk, 4,3k @jjungkookislife The tables are turned when you are the one gaming and Jungkook just wants a little attention.

- TILL THE END OF TIME (smut, angst) | Boxer!Jk, 1,7k+ @kim-moonjoon What you had with him was wrong, a mistake, something that shouldn’t have happened, you know it. But you can’t help but fall back into his arms when he comes stumbling into your apartment late at night, begging for your comfort and warmth.

Show me where your love lies (smut, fluff angst) | Cheating AU, 4,1k @hollyhomburg Jungkook knows it’s wrong to sneak around with you behind his wife’s back. but with you he feels whole- he feels loved. And maybe you would feel guilty if she didn’t treat Jungkook like absolute shit. 

Are you going to stay? (angst, fluff) | Idol!Jk, 6,4k @hollyhomburg It’s been a year since he last saw you, and every day he misses you more. It was only a matter of time until he turned up at your door asking for another chance.

Neighbour (smut, fluff) | Neighbour!Jk, 4k @imagniation “you think I can afford a plumber?’ your endearing neighbour Jeongguk has magic hands that fix toilets and make you orgasm.

Euphoria (smut, fluff, angst) | Roommate AU, 7,6k @seokstrivia There was always a sign on Jungkooks’ door that said something along the lines of, ‘Warning; I am naked in here. Do not enter unless you’re ready to see a whole lot of dick.’   

Euphoria (smut, fluff, angst) | Time travel AU, 6k @btssavedmylifeblr​​ At the end of your life, you are given one day to live again with the man you loved. A lifetime’s love story told in a single day. 

Based on a bet (angst) @mercurygguk “I can’t believe we’re dating just because of a bet”

“are you sure?” (smut, fluff) | Brother’s best friend AU, 2k @cutechim After breaking up with your first-ever boyfriend and gaining some much-needed perspective, you come to the realization that your ex was 1) a complete jerk and 2) terrible in bed. now, newly single, the world is your oyster—there are people to date, flings and sex to be had. but you’ve never been with anyone but your ex, so you decide to ask for a little help testing the waters, from a man you trust—who just so happens to be your older brother’s best friend.

AURORA (angst, fluff) | Tae x reader, Jk x reader, 6k+ @krreader Dawn comes after the darkness, and with it the promise that what has been torn by the sea is not lost. - lisa wingate

Bad word (fluff, smut) | Dilf!Tae AU, 6,4k+ @personasintro  One of the kids in your class curses and you make it your responsibility to break it to her dad, luckily you know him better than your co-workers

Grinch in law (smut, angst, fluff) | Wedding!AU, 14,8k @mercurygguk When Jimin decides it’s time for you to meet his parents after your recent engagement, you couldn’t be more thrilled, especially when his mother suggests getting married at their home. However, an unexpected arrangement has you realizing this will be anything but the Christmas wedding you’ve always dreamed of.

Faded love (angst, smut, fluff?) | Married couple AU, 16k @jamaisjoons He doesn’t need to say it. because you can feel your husband, Park Jimin, falling out of love with you. 

Dreamy (angst, smut) | Fwb!AU 2,5k @1kook You try to not let it get to you, but Jimin is so cool and you want him to be your boyfriend so bad.

Mile high club (smut) | Coworker AU, 4,2k @geniuslab You absolutely hate flying, but the person sitting next to you makes this flight the best you’ve ever been on.

Business or pleasure (smut) | Coworker AU, 5,2k @geniuslab You and your coworker have some naughty fun at a business conference

In the stars tonight (smut, fluff) | Fiance!AU, 2,5k+ @mercurygguk It’s your engagement party and your fiancé looks too good to resist. also, he hasn’t been giving you any attention for the past two hours so really, you’re bound to reach breaking point sooner or later.

[l4ndon0rris]

Back to Reality; DR3

Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3 // Part 4 // Masterlist

Pairing: Daniel Ricciardo x you Warnings: swearing Word count: 4.8k

A/N: part five!! finally!! thank you for your patience i just wanted to wrap it up properly but there will be an epilogue at some point x ily x

It was late October; the bright streams of sun shone through the gaps on the large bookshelves of the library that you were currently wandering up and down the aisles of. It seemed like a lifetime ago since Dan had flown back to Europe to continue the racing season and admittedly you had been quite content in your bubble of text messages, facetimes and videos of himself singing being shared between you. It felt like a new beginning, the butterflies and anticipation of every notification on your phone incase it was Dan. Your attempt to stack another book atop the pile in your arm was futile as they clattered to the ground away from your body, arms flailing ungracefully trying to catch them mid-air. Receiving a few side eye glances from silent library users working around you at the commotion you apologetically smiled whilst you quickly gathered up what you could carry and made a swift exit. The world was most certainly reminding you that the bubble was burst and it was back to reality.

“Yo,” Harriet greeted you simultaneously throwing a sweet into the air and catching it in her mouth; elegant as always. You dramatically flung your bags of books onto the armchair before even more exaggeratingly hurling yourself onto the sofa with a groan for safe measure ensuring Harriet grasped just exactly how crappy you were feeling.

“Why isn’t it a norm to have someone pretty follow you around all day and just help you with things like carrying heavy books for one example,” you wished aloud answering Harriet’s question before she was able to ask the reason for the dramatic one-woman performance she witnessed.

“Firstly,” Harriet scooped up your legs and placed them on her lap as she sat beside you, “you do know slavery is illegal?” Her mocking glare was met by your unamused expression in return. “Secondly, you have a boyfriend for that.”

“Who is half-way across the world,” the moment of pause was slightly too long before correcting yourself, “and he’s not my boyfriend.”

“Sure, he just sat on the phone to a friend for hours after he wins his first grand prix in years instead of going out celebrating,” Harriet stuck her tongue out faking a gag reflex.

It was true, Dan’s grand prix win had been a long time coming and the ring of your phone at 6am was unwelcomed to say the least. The thought that initially ran through your head upon the incessant ringtone was the worst outcome but his smile beaming through the phone declaring his win instantly settled your concern. The apology for the time zone difference came later but at that point you were past caring about the time or your dishevelled bed-head appearance. Adrenaline was the only thing keeping him awake as the hours turned dark around him and the world brightened up for you.

“Fancy a night out tonight? You’ve had your head stuck in these books for weeks.” Harriet bounced encouragingly hoping you’d agree but her excitement wasn’t long lasting as she recognised the look on your face was a rejection.

“I just want to relax tonight; I have some research to do and I can’t deal with another three-day hangover.” Unfortunately, with each birthday in recent years you seemed to earn another day’s hangover to go with it. A night out on a Saturday meant it would be at least Tuesday afternoon before you felt any semblance of human again. “Why don’t you go out with the guy from the other week?” A weak effort to dodge the bullet of Harriet’s persistent persuasion on the matter.

“Vanilla ice cream guy? Wow, you’re trying to shake me off with the most bland and boring man I’ve ever dated - that’s a new low even for you!” Harriet’s tone was in jest.

“You still slept with him!” You shot back jokingly despite her criticisms.

“That was for pure scientific research,” your eyebrow raised in anticipation of her reasoning. “I was merely testing out my hypothesis. Those who choose vanilla ice cream are bland, boring and vanilla in bed. Now my research is complete and I am inclined to make the ice cream shop my first date venue from here on out to weed out the ‘vanillas’ from the ‘mint choc chip’.” You couldn’t help but smile at Harriet’s astute manner and you knew better than to ask what a ‘mint choc chip’ type of guy would be in comparison.

Your phone dinging from the bottom of your bag had you clambering hoping it was Dan somewhere in the world thinking of you. A smile unconsciously creeping on your face that Harriet picked up on, her own smile forming at how happy you looked and knowing exactly what had earnt it without having to ask.

Danny Ric Good morning. X

You good afternoon! ready for today?

Danny Ric Just having breakfast before heading to the track for final practice. Any exciting Saturday plans for your evening? X

You haz will probably end up out somewhere but think I’m gonna have a quiet night in studying x

You wish you were here for some Saturday snuggles x

Dan smiled at that and felt like a foolish little boy whose crush just told him they liked him. Like, liked liked him. He wished it too. He wished he could be there absentmindedly stroking your hair while your nose was buried in a book, reading sentences over your shoulder and annoyingly asking what does that mean because you’d answer him so patiently every time regardless of how many times he interrupted you. That’s how he envisioned life would be if you were just two people dating and living normal uninterrupted lives in the same time zone. Instead, he was preparing to race a car and chase after another win for himself and the team on the other side of the world from the woman he wanted to be with.

The rest of Dan’s day was spent chasing tenths of a second, qualifying top five was manageable and the team had sat and discussed strategy for a few hours before turning in for the night. Glancing at his phone and working out time differences he figured midnight for you wasn’t all too unreasonable for a quick phone call before he caught some sleep. The phone rang out, Dan was about to hang up defeated at another night without hearing your voice but at the last second you picked up allowing himself to relax against the headboard. “Hey peanut, did I wake you?” Keeping his voice quiet although he had already disturbed your peace.

“Uh, hey man,” Dan frowned at the male voice that answered pulling back to check it was your name he had dialled.

“Who is this?” Dan sat up concerned about why a stranger was answering your calls.

“It’s Nathan,” stated so matter-of-factly as if Dan should know whoever Nathan was. “Figured it was important for ringing at this hour, she’s just downstairs grabbing our food. Everything all right mate?” Mate. Sharing food and feeling so comfortable answering your phone when you’re not around. Dan’s stomach churned. He found himself mentally back in your bedroom, picturing the photograph of the unknown male hanging off you. The jealousy creeping up Dan’s chest was unfamiliar and something he’d never had to deal with before.

“Ask her to call me back, will you?” Hanging up. Double checking his call list: it was most definitely your number he had dialled. Definitely your phone that another male had answered. Teeth grinding against each other subconsciously as he read back your earlier text messages; your supposed quiet night in was in fact nothing of the sort. He’d never known of you to lie to him before, or about anything in fact. He had always been so certain of his relationship with you but being in a relationship limbo and not physically being with you was proving to be a difficult task. Slumping under the duvet yanking it between his fists and under his chin Dan lay with a frown etched on his face staring at the ceiling waiting for you to ring him back but it never came.

The ringing of a phone startled Dan awake with a shot of panic through his body thinking he’d overslept on race day until he saw your name on the front and breathing a sigh of relief. The relief was quickly overtaken with a tense feeling as he recalled his previous attempt at calling you. His first thought was to ignore it, roll over and wallow in his own frustration but he was trying his hardest to action the concept of communication he found so difficult in the past.

Clicking on the accept button you appeared on the screen; you were sat on the floor, phone propped up against something – probably one of those massive books you own - whilst you organised various items into what he assumed was a ‘school bag’ of sorts. “Morning, you’re not too busy yet are you?” You squinted closer to the phone.

“No, just woke up. I got time… how was your night?” Dan shuffled up in bed, his curls in disarray and eyes heavy with sleep.

“Good, feel loads better after a quick refresher on some things,” he noted how you didn’t flinch at his question, confused as though he’d caught you red handed at something you were guilty of without knowing it yet.

“Sounds productive. Quiet one?” His attempt at sounding upbeat was failing instead his words sounded sharper than necessary. He was convinced that you had lied to him, avoiding his phone call and he wanted to know who the fucking hell Nathan was you were spending your Saturday nights with.

“My friend Nathan come over,” pencil case rattling full of pens and highlighters as you gave each one a squiggle or a swipe to make sure they still worked, unphased by the question.

“You didn’t mention him.” You didn’t notice Dan’s stern expression, too busy in your doodling and he was certain you weren’t picking up his sharp tone either which aggravated him more.

“It was last minute; you’d really get on well with him I think.” Wrong, Dan thought.

“I called you,” he noticed a furrow in your brow, almost looking confused at the comment. “He answered. Said he’d get you to call me back.” Nathan didn’t explicitly say that given Dan hung up before he had a chance to say anything but it was the polite and correct thing to do after Dan had asked him to.

“Oh, he must’ve forgot,” Dan didn’t appreciate how quickly you had brushed him off and was more unimpressed by the smile you had on your face. “We ended up getting this takeaway and got somebody else’s whole other order along with ours, it was quite a feast. Nathan was going to call and give it back but you know I never pass on free food,” the light laughter that escaped you whilst telling the story just emphasised how much Dan hated not being the one around to make you laugh like that.  “Is everything okay?” You’d picked up your phone holding it to your face, a concerned look penetrating the screen finally noticing Dan’s lack of response and unamused expression.

“Yeah, fine,” even Dan knew he sounded unconvincing.

Your face through the screen looked concerned, “I heard you’re starting P5… you could probably do something from there,” you tried encouragingly. Dan stayed quiet once more. “Nathan probably just forgot, I’m sorry. I’ll tell him to make sure to tell me next time, okay?” Dan felt a pang of guilt for thinking the worst of you but a flash of frustration still lingered. Next time. Another Saturday night you spend with Nathan instead of him. The frustration wasn’t directed at you and if he was honest, not even with your new friend. It was at himself, the situation you were both currently in and it was eating him up.

*                   *                   *

2:03pm You sorry I couldnt make it out this weekend☹ enjoy your night x

5:33pm Danny Ric Yeehaw! I’m just a lone hillbilly for the night.

5:35pm You didn’t think a hillbilly was that spooky?! But then again I’ve never met one… x

7:43pm Danny Ric Answer your phone! X

Harriet burst into the bathroom, “Oh my God, this man can annoy me all the way from America. How is that possible?! Bloody answer him will you.” Practically throwing the phone at you sat in the bath surrounded by the small fizz of bubbles. You wiped off your wet hands on a towel before swiping to return what appeared to be multiple missed facetimes, Harriet stayed in the bathroom rifling through various skincare items over the sink.

Dan answered the video call and you let out an immediate laugh at a horrific straw looking red wig framing his face. “Oh wow, this is certainly a look,” the water rippled around your chuckling body. Harriet’s face smothered in foam cleanser appeared at your shoulder to take a peek.

“That is the worst scarecrow I’ve ever seen,” Harriet expressed deadpan.

“Scarecrow?! I’m a hillbilly! Howdy y’all!” Dan’s impression was almost as bad as his outfit. He was weaving his way through a crowd of people at a Halloween party he was attending, one that you had been invited to but couldn’t justify the flight for amongst your schedule. Dan’s giant beam of a smile popped in and out of view until he stepped outside into a quieter space.

“Isn’t that a cowboy? All the yeehaw and howdy?” Harriet muttered as you settled into your bath with Harriet perched on the side who had evidently forgotten the concept of privacy.

“As long as when I see you your head is full of curls then that’s all I care about,” Dan flipped his wig over his shoulder mimicking those from shampoo commercials. Harriet’s hand was gripping your own bare shoulder before you could register what you saw through the screen. A girl pushing her way onto the screen. Lips, lingering a kiss onto Daniel’s cheek. Piercing eyes into the camera before realisation flashing across her face.

“It’s a phonecall!” Dan let out a loud guffaw as he shook off the strange female.

“I thought it was a photo!” The girl hung off Dan’s arms while the two joked together. Harriet’s grip left your shoulder, quickly exiting the bathroom leaving you feeling practically sunken in the bathtub. It felt like time had stopped, a breath caught in your throat as your bare shoulders suddenly felt frozen. The strikingly beautiful female focused onto the screen with you in view, mouth slightly agape, “I’m so sorry! He’s all yours…” before disappearing from view.

 “Sorry peanut,” a tight smile refused to show itself as you anxiously sucked on your bottom lip. “Maybe the wig is irresistible after all,” you weren’t in a joking mood. “It’s getting late here, I’ll see you soon though, yeah?” Dan quipped, allowing a small - albeit fake - smile to creep onto your face before you submerged yourself underwater leaving the phone on the edge of the tub.

Holding your breath momentarily you tried to shake the image of the girl flirting with Dan. She was flirting, right? Harriet’s dramatic exit as it happened justified your thoughts. Coming back up for air Harriet had re-entered the bathroom hovering her phone screen in your face. Wiping and blinking away water from your eyes you focused on the screen in front of you.

“It’s her!” Harriet exclaimed, but you didn’t recognise what or who you were supposed to be looking at. “It’s from last year, one of his flings.” Now that caused you to frown as you took the phone from her hands. Stereotypical racing driver date setting: a yacht, a beautiful view with a matching beautiful girl in tow. Granted, you hadn’t kept up with news or tabloid gossip to avoid this type of information but it would appear Harriet had kept Google Alerts on. “The cheek. I knew I didn’t like her.” Harriet's nose was practically touching the phone screen as she swiped through a bunch of images to fuel her rage.

“It could’ve been innocent,” you gave the benefit of the doubt trying to not over-react despite the pit in your stomach that didn’t believe your own words.

“Does this look innocent?” Harriet now pointedly sharing an image of them sharing a kiss.

“Maybe she doesn’t know we’re trying things out again…” you felt foolish for even defending it at this point but you wanted things so badly to work out you had to try and convince yourself it was true.

“Well, maybe he should be doing a better job at letting people know, hm?” Harriet left you in the bathtub once more. Her words lingering in the air with you, both of you knowing she was right. Here you were deflated in a now cold bath with crinkly fingertips imagining what could be and Dan is on the other side of the world hanging around with ex-flings with little boundaries. Turns out balancing your new life with a sprinkle of your old relationship was more difficult than you’d anticipated.

*         *         *

The time was passing by with plenty of deadlines, missed phone calls and takeaways. Harriet’s gossiping being the closest thing to a social life that you had outside of university classes and developing a new skill of knowing the time zone difference for various continents Dan was currently occupying on a weekly basis. You were pacing the apartment with numerous outfits laid out in front of you. Having to wait this long until seeing Dan had begun to feel like torture.

“I have a serious dilemma,” you muttered.

“I already told you I like the blue dress,” Harriet could just about confirm through stuffing her mouth with food.

“No, no. Not that. What do I do, like when I first see him? Do I kiss him?” You asked nervously, twirling around to see Harriet covered in crumbs.

 “Well, did you shave?” Harriet asked with genuine curiosity.

“What?” You hissed at the irrelevant question only for Harriet to repeat her question. “Of course I’ve shaved.”

“Okay, but I’m not talking the normal to-the-knee routine where there’s a whole forest in the depths of the thigh and beyond. I’m saying if you’ve gone the full monty then you’ve already answered your own question, my friend.” You pursed your lips too embarrassed to confirm that you had pre-emptively gone above the knee and beyond in anticipation for Dan’s arrival.

“Your silence says all I need to know,” Harriet mockingly raised her eyebrows seductively at you earning the toss of a cushion directed at her.

“I’m not jumping straight into bed with him, Haz! I just… incase, you know,” rolling your eyes at your own betrayal watching as Harriet smirked at you proud of her advisory role being such a success.

“Oh come on, I’ve heard enough of you pining over him and listening to all the gooey stuff for months. Sort your shit out and get your damn man back,” Harriet not-so-eloquently expressed.

An unsettling feeling in your stomach rose into your throat with a question you had been asking yourself numerous times over, finally gathering courage to ask your always honest and reliable friend.

“Would you think I was an idiot if… if I moved back there? Not now, obviously but once I graduate. I can get jobs out there, I- would I just be the idiot who moved across the world for the same guy twice?” Your cuticles had become to most interesting thing in the room in order to avoid Harriet’s gaze as you rambled out your question. Her hands taking your shoulders managed to get your attention to look her in the face.

“We all know I’m commitment-phobe number one but honestly? If I had what you and Danny had it’d be a no brainer,” you let out a breath you didn’t realise you were holding relieved at her words. “You’d be a bigger fool to mope around here and carry this long-distance crap on much longer than you need to. Not that I’m kicking you out but just fucking go for it,” bringing you into a warm hug that calmed your worries instantly. A knock at the door snapped you out of the embrace, “go get ‘em tiger.” Harriet encouraged.

Behind the door was a tall figure with a large bouquet hiding the face you had been wanting to see for so long, the rose tattoo adorning the thumb giving away the identity of the mystery man immediately.

“Enchanté,” the grin on Dan’s face was pinned from ear to ear when he lowered the flowers to your grasp.

“Hi,” the faintest whisper was all you managed out not getting a chance to think about your earlier will you/won’t you dilemma with Dan already placing his lips on yours with a gentle and delicate kiss that translated all of the I miss you messages into one physical touch. Breaking away and allowing Dan to step into the apartment whilst you placed down the overly large flower arrangement into the kitchen sink.

“There’s my second favourite girl!” You turned to find Dan approaching Harriet with his arms wide open for a hug.

“I do not wish to receive the same welcome, thank you,” Harriet failed in her attempt to scarper away from Dan’s enveloping arms as he began to jokingly attempt to plant a kiss on her cheek as she wriggled in his grasp feigning a scream of outrage. “You’re paying for my therapy, Ricciardo.”

You couldn’t help but smile at the sight of your two favourite people joking around in front of you, the image of the girl still haunting the back of your mind but now he was here with you it was though it didn’t matter. Dan caught your eye and mirrored your expression back at you. You felt a warm feeling wash over you at how natural and easy it felt having Dan back in your life despite how vulnerable you felt.

“Okay, while you two undress each other with your eyes I’m going out,” Harriet picked up her bag, yelling “I’ll text you!” And left you alone in the apartment for the foreseeable. The thought had you subconsciously biting your lip.

Dan closed the gap between you with a few large steps, connecting his lips back to yours but this time much more hurried and desperate which translated only some of the flirtatious and explicit messages that had been exchanged. His hands at your bum easily lifting you up onto the kitchen counter behind you, legs wrapping around his middle trapping him against you. Lips dancing fervently against one another, senses overloaded with the realisation of Dan being right here with you, on you, touching you.

“Wait, wait, wait-” you pulled back, breath heavy. Your head began to shake as you stumbled over your words, “I- don’t. I-I- sorry, I-,” you frowned at yourself as you bit your lip trying to regain control of yourself while the devil on your shoulder was telling you to just give in.

Without having to explain yourself Dan reassured you, “it’s okay. We don’t have to.” You smiled weakly, relieved. “No need to rush anything,” a small peck on your lips wrapping up his patient sentiment.

And you didn’t, making sure to savour what most would consider mundane. Walking to the shops hand-in-hand, picking out treats and snacks to accompany the movie marathon you had prepared in advance. Sitting in silence, limbs tangled amongst each other on the large sofa but this was all you had wanted for months. Time. No matter how it was spent, just time with one another. The comfort of knowing you had this time settled amongst Dan’s chest for the first time in forever was all you needed.

Dan spent most of his time watching you at every opportunity he had when you weren’t aware. Whether it was watching how you slightly skipped along the floor barefoot for a toilet break or looking down tracing the outlines of your face as you lay on his chest: he never wanted to take his eyes off you while he had you here in front of him.

“That was a good film,” your voice bringing his attention back to the tv that had credits rolling as you sat up away from his chest. You nervously looked into his deep brown eyes, trying to overcome the worry of what you knew you had to ask. “You know… last week? The girl, when we were on the phone…” Dan gave a slow nod at you already anticipating where you were headed but you continued. “That wasn’t anything, right?” You took a large intake of breath as Dan exhaled a breathy laugh.

“I knew you’d be overthinking that…” cautiously stroking a piece of hair behind your ear. “But no, maybe one time…” your stomach uneasy as Dan hinted at what Harriet had shown you. “But no for a long time. She recognised you anyway; she was happy when I told her we were together again.” Your eyebrows raised as he said it so casually, admittedly you had been lying to yourself – and Harriet – that you weren’t together. Safer to keep a distance at arm’s length but the moment you saw him earlier you knew you were his and he was yours.

You leant forward and gave a kiss, sealing the thought in your head that it was all real. “Quick shower before bed.”

“Is that an invite?” Dan teased getting a waggling finger sent his way as he watched your bare legs make their way toward the bedroom to the ensuite. He felt a pining for you even though you were only in a different room and it suddenly dawned on him how hard it was going to be when he left again in a few days’ time. He head into the bedroom, plumping some pillows around to make it more inviting pausing momentarily to hear your attempt at singing, lighting a candle on the bedside and removing his lounge shorts leaving him in just his boxers. The sight of you wrapped only in a towel leaving the bathroom made his eyebrow unintentionally twitch and he was conscious something else may have twitched too. The bare of your shoulders with droplets of water, your face slightly flushed which he put down to you showering in water being as hot as lava: reminding himself to turn down the temperature when he next steps in himself. This time it was his mouth that twitched, a quirk of a smile as he realised the small details of you that had been missing from his life.

“What’s your face for?” You noticed a suspicious smile slowly etching itself on his face.

“Nothing. Just missed you and your scorching hot showers, that’s all,” you smiled walking over to him, placing a damp hand on his lean torso, the other clutching onto the top of the towel wrapped under your arms as you leant in for a kiss. Dan was quick to deepen the kiss, his boxers feeling slightly snugger than a few moments earlier. His hands were on your waist and tracing your spine, cursing the coarse material of the towel between him and your soft skin. “You know what makes this worse?” He pulled away, a quizzical frown on your face. “No matter how hard you cling onto that towel, I know exactly what’s underneath.” That earnt him a whack on the arm with your free hand and a mischievous cackle from him as you looked downwards.

“Wow. That easy, huh?” You tried to hide the smug smirk on your face as you noticed his length in his boxers.

“He’s missed you too,” Dan shrugged, still laughing but this time receiving a slow and sensual kiss from your lips. You let your hands trace along the chain around his neck before interlocking behind his head. This is where you wanted to be, anywhere in fact, as long as it were with him. Dan’s hands were running the length of your bare skin from your shoulders down the softs of your arms.

“I’ve been thinking when I graduate…” Dan hummed encouragingly at your hesitance, “I’ll need to get a job…” his hands were still soothingly grazing your skin whilst you ran his chain through your fingers and avoided his gaze. “What if I moved back out and got a job over there and we can pick up where we left off?”

“No.” Dan was quiet but when you lifted your head he was looking at you square in the eyes. “We’ll start again… we’re different now but somehow we still work,” he confirmed with a kiss.

You smiled at that. “We do.”

“So does this mean that you have fallen for my insane good looks and charismatic charm for a second time?” Dan grinned as you flopped your head back knowing that was what he would tell everyone in future.

The future: what had seemed so daunting between graduating and starting a new career, having the security of Dan beside you again somehow making it all seem doable. Bringing your eyes back to his you suddenly found it so easy to speak the words that had made you feel so vulnerable but now, you felt safe.

“I love you.”

Dan's face brightened and gave a wink, “I know, peanut."

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