#I have less emotional connection to that
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glad to have a side project to write now because my main project is such an ode to my heritage I have a feeling I’ll take a really long time on it
#I think that’s why I’ve been working on it for 3 tears already#it’s not necessarily a thing of perfectionism#not typical perfectionism at least#but it’s my baby.#from the tiny mentions of fig hooks and irrigation channels and water mills and cafe bombon etc etc#and the names of characters#and the potential sequel really just going into my routes#it’s not a piece I want to rush#but also I’d like to complete a project and I have sooooooo many ideas#and I’ve found it rly beneficial over the years#to give my work space#cos if I’m not writing my brain is still working on it#my manuscript will be untouched for months and I’ll come back to it with clearer vision and understanding and love it more#and I wanna keep progressing that way#this new one is set in like. a fictional Andorra#I have less emotional connection to that#but In my brain using the Iberian peninsula as a geographical basis still works better#Idk I’ve road tripped it twice a year for the first half of my life minimum#I know it well#in the U.K. I’ve like. briefly left london. I don’t rly know places outside of the immediate counties#except a couple of spots in Glastonbury#which is super random#but Spain? Ik Spain so well#also can’t explain but I’ll never fully understand british British people#only people who are from immigrant families make sense to#to me#ANYWAY time to write my new thing
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if chibnall was the one writing this season you lot would be talking VERY differently
#anti rtd#oomfs ur so right#s14 is the kinda mid that people think his era was#and yet#you throw in that razzle dazzle written by rtd and all of a sudden there's no criticisms!#or worse somehow#is how its a polite and gentle reframing of chibs criticism#like with him it was hey he ate this singular one thing But I KNOW CHIBS IS BAD HE'S TERRIBLE DONT WORRY I KNOW IT#and with rtd its oh i disliked this nonsensical and objectively bad writing but ummm guys i lOVED LOVED everything else i swear#its soooooooooooooOOOOOOOOO#it must be studied#but i knew yous were a lost cause when we had 14/15 running around calling men hot bc yes totally something the doctor just does#not ooc at allllll#bc this is how we know the doctor is queer now guys#dont you know it#i have like a million other complaints i miss being like oh hey that was mid/bad and moved on with my life 😭😭#god i think 13 era killed me bc now i do care about u hypocritical losers#rip 15ruby i wish i cared and that you had any development#ncuti millie i would like to hang out with you though#15 maybe you'll cry less next season so that the emotional scenes have impact perhaps 🙏🏾🙏🏾#ramblings of an insomniac#god i just remembered the whole real mum antics#fuck i need to go i gotta go!!!!#ps the ncuti conundrum where he's the most charismatic dr in nuwho whilst also being the worst actor is driving me nuts#idk if its the characterisation or his lack of ability in creating that inner psychology that connective tissue between his louder acting#which he's great at btw!#idk maybe that one monologue in boom made me go yes okay here we goooo#but then every other moment has been like hmmmnnnmtgodhd okay whateve#i think he needed more acting prep before he got this role bc he's got Something he could be Great but the subtle stuff is lacking#sooo hoping he can grow into that but it's giving perfect actor wrong time.... and if ur white ur not allowed to agree with me shush go away
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An Idea that is also admittedly OOC but wdyd is…
Kakashi actually tracking down Itachi immediately after the Uchiha Genocide ‘cause let’s face it, he’s that good of a tracker/shinobi (even if Itachi can completely kick his ass) and single-minded when in mission-mode and was clearly not one of the ANBU/Root or S-Rank jonin enlisted for this. (If he’s going rogue instead of bending the rules for a half-hearted sanctioned pursuit? Call it his Obito&Rin Guilt Complex + remaining guilt over not keeping a better eye on his ���junior” when Minato literally dragged Kakashi out of that life for a time so he could recover a bit mentally.)
Anyway. Kakashi catches up to Itachi.
But instead of finding the tween prodigy hypervigilent in bloodlust and ready to engage him in a battle, he accidentally finds the kid mid-breakdown absolutely losing it in grief and guilt once Itachi presumed he was a good distance away from any Konoha or Atasuki pursuers.
And well. This is awkward. And not at all what Kakashi expected.
Does this finally knock Kakashi a bit out of his avoidant apathy to take a more active interest in Sasuke’s and Naruto’s lives? Maybe? But well, it’s a start. Only trash abandon their comrades.
#naruto au#kakashi hatake#itachi uchiha#sasuke uchiha#naruto uzumaki#listen we got teased with this at times especially when sasuke first got his cursed seal#anyway. force the issue with this guy actually taking being a jonin sensei more seriously well before he officially becomes their sensei#(and obviously sakura isn’t even MORE neglected because I Say So)#(and actually gets the basics of genjutsu and elemental chakra molding taught to her before the chunin exams)#(because sure she will never have the chakra wells of either the uchiha or uzumaki clans)#(BUT neither does kakashi. and sakura could have been a prodigy in her own right if she weren’t a neglected civilian born shinobi)#(anyway. if kakashi had more of an emotional connection to the boys#(then he should have had a more practical one with sakura considering her potential skillset is extremely similar to his#(only with less chakra (only he had a head start she never had with his father training him + total war mentalities))#(and with far more precise control coming intuitively to her than it did to him)
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some of you need to talk to a real life gay/bi man. outside. where there’s fresh air and grass. or even asphalt! i’m not picky!!
#because why am i seeing b*ckt*mmys saying that people who want buddie canon are fetishizing mlm#are you saying that wanting two men who have a deep emotional connection to be together is inherently sexual?#are you saying it’s better for the canon bi character to be with someone whose only characterization is that he kisses a man on screen?#and if tommy weren’t a shit person to hen and chim and never apologized for it i probably would be neutral on bt but the way everyone#worships him like some gay pariah makes me ill.#the ONLY thing we know about buck and tommy is that they kiss and they’ve been on at least 3 dates. yet that’s better rep#than buck and eddie who always have each others backs and never give up on each other. okay#tbh i’ll give it to them though dating a guy who’s so much less into you than you are into him is like. ‘realizing you’re into men’ 101#whatever#911 discourse#NOT tagging this with anti tags that’s how i got called homophobic last time#if you’re a bt seeing this it’s because you’re creeping on my page#and in that case : hi ! i am a gay man . call me homophobic if it pleases you though :) and#next time you talk about your unproblematic fav tommy please acknowledge his prejudices against women and poc <3#media literacy 101 thanks
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Went to Taylor swift tonight, and 3 people gave me bracelets - even though I didn’t have any to trade!!
Sharing this bc I am touched by the kindness of the Taylor swift community and I hope the 2 teens and woman in mcmenamins know they made my day so much better!!!
#like they MADE THESE and now I get to HAVE THEM#I never did much on the rave scene so trading bracelets feels new and I’m emotions about it#going to an event…. and being connected to strangers???#I love the moonstone one so much we were out to lunch 6 hours before the show#and as we left the restaurant some women stopped us and said you look like you’re going to the show will you take some bracelets#like YES I WILL WOW#also my fav bc I was dressed for bejeweled ;) ✨✨#also now that I’m deep in the tags I will admit that I cried so hard at all too well that the woman sitting next to me#hugged me#and honestly? going to an event??? being connected to strangers??? thank you ma’am you made me feel less sad#life blogging#rare occurance for me#posting this before I chicken out and delete it
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"We can get through this by working together, reach out to your friends, community is all we have, a social network will be your security in the world, now is the time to lean on others!"
I do agree, and it's scientifically sound (pretty sure there is data about how people with better social networks live longer and etc) but also....augh..... what about the severe social issues, difficulty to leave the house, physical issues which lead to like zero socialization energy a majority of the time, etc. etc. Social support can be a replacement for structural support, but.. I guess I just wish it didn't have to be. Community is extremely difficult to build, even moreso if you're someone who has issues with social cues or group conversations or even just being around others in the first place. And blah, nuance, of course I'm just complaining or maybe being too negative or maybe misunderstanding, but, I hardly have the energy to brush my hair once every 2 months.. how am I supposed to maintain a wide social network and be active in a Community and Join Groups lol... sometimes it kind of feels like "er.. well if thats my only option then...... ruh roh". It's overwhelming
#Kind of like some post I saw a long time ago talking about how even the meanest shittiest most difficult to get along with#elderly people or whaever still deserve to have some sort of systems in place to support them so they're not just relying on the#grace of relatives or etc. who may not be able to deal with them. Not saying that I'm like mean and cruel or anything#but the fact of the matter is in most social situations either I am compromising or the other person is. Not in like an ~`ouuu im so weirdd#nobody willever understand my quirky swagg hee heee~' way but like a.. Just factually the things that make me happy and comfortable#are often incompatible with people. The way I communicate and process things is different from the way other people do and that#is always a barrier. I cannot have ''easy''' interactions. Even with 'understanding' people there is nearly always a significant#amount of effort. You can't walk into a group of people and then be like ''okay you guys all have to wear#masks and you also cant play music too loud and also we should communicate turns of speaking very clearly so group conversations#arent too stressful. and also i need this and that and we have to do this and that and '' etc. etc. You CAN. And some people will#go along with that. but they will ALWAYS secretly resent you for it. You will be the one person they're relieved to not have to be around.#theyre glad when you dont show up since they can go back to doing things however they want and not masking and all these boring#annoying things. OR you can say none of that and just deal with the loud music and the talking and the unmasked people. but then#YOU'RE compromising. and no matter how nice they are it's exhausting to be around and youre just further alienated#while in the presence of people and uncofmrtoabel the whole time.#Which I'm not saying the only form of community is a group setting specificially but just giving that as an example lol#I just wish there were a better option than ''well learn to socialize normally or just suffer then'' . Which I know is not what people are#saying. I guess I just always feel a bit scared when 'community is the answer'. Since its not like 'oh im just socially anxious and need to#get out of my shell~!' or something thats really that remedy-able. It's like.. my mostly unchangeable physical health issues combined#with the mostly unchangable literal way that my brain processes sensory informationand other things means that interacting with#others in a normal and easy way is incredibly difficult and often exhausting especially to maintain in any longform fashion. So then#when it's like ''the answer to staying safe is to maintain longform social connections!! :3 just reach out!!'' then.. ermm... O_O#also I'm not even one of the cutesy shy emotional hermits that's nervous. I'm the Bad Stereotype emotionless robotic cold seeming#looms in the corner of the room type of thing so people have less pity on you in that way. -_- ANYWAY gghj#I need like.. a designated social representative or something.. When I did work in that bookshop forever ago they gave me a#person who basically was just with me to help communicate with others on my behalf and supervise me and stuff. I need that.. Some#more extraverted person I can latch onto and they can maintain the Social Support Network for me and I can just be their +1 to all#of the Social Things and community. I have helpful skills I can contribute to other people and stuff it's just like.. I cant socialize lol#I cook food or something for you.. then you keep me in contact with Community.. a deal. (but then what about when I'm too sick to#contribute? as is often the case. there's not much place for people like me in communities sometimes i fear.. sigh.) ***
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Some days (nights) just feel like loss
#not sure what else to say abt that bc thats it thats all of it#like a firework show reminder of everyone thats just dropped out oftour life#and like you're the only one watching the show the only one thinking abt them bc theres no way the grief you feel for them is reciprocated#or not to the same degree bc well surely the silence isnt killing them#and its like for some im still ::here:: i can still be found but theres no hand reaching out to reconnect & maybe one side always held more#more emotions more loss more love? it doesnt matter#im tired of watching the show and im tired of feeling the loss#and im tired of carrying the grief thats only mine bc how do you care less how can you not saying i miss all the moments and laughter & lov#so thankful for all the nows with all of you even if i get stuck the in haze of my connections of before#i dont know how to not care not miss or not think abt all these people that have moved on to other things and other lives and just not miss#things the same way as i do#so i just get sucked into the feelings from time to time but ill come out the other side and pack up the loss and the grief#until the next time when i pull it out and unfold it and crush into sand again#just to come out again and again and again
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On the topic of secrets, your person that you tell everything to is entitled to YOUR secrets, not anyone else’s. If I tell my best friend something in confidence, I know she won’t tell her husband. He gets to know everything about her, not everything about me.
Dan and Phil definitely understand that distinction and don’t share other’s secrets with each other.
THANK you you get it!!!! i've been losing my fucking mind at the attitude on my dash like... pretty much everyone is out here proving dan's point. by interpreting what he said to mean the exact opposite of what he told us. are people incapable of taking dnp at their word????
#like what?#being trustworthy in my relationships means i have emotional intimacy and support with multiple people in my life which is so much safer an#more fulfilling than the isolating trap of viewing romantic relationships as seperate and above and as something that should meet every#single one of your needs.#like. i have the support and connection w my husband. but i also have 6+ other intimate significant friendships.#there's always someone to talk to and get support from. and if i privilaged my relationship w my husband over those friendships and violate#their trust i would be living a much lonelier and emptier and less supported life.#IT'S THE MOST STRAIGHTFORWARD THING IN TBE WORLD TO ME. WHAT#jam replies#anon
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argh. This comic writing is taking me way longer than usual. I keep editing things and it doesn’t feel right.
#wip#i think I finally got it#The issue is usually plots come to me formed yk#But for this one#I did have a plot but it was more related to Chil having a v bad experience and Mei hearing about it and then him telling her#Not to go thru with her plans to become involved with adventures in a sort of threatening way#So I had that all sketched out and then randomly I decided I wanted more drama#so initially I extended it and had it be that maybe she tried to hug him or something but he reacted Badly bc of his aforementioned shit#But I didn’t like that and it felt jarring and sort of…over dramatic. Too much.#So then I got rid of that. And then I was like well maybe he and Mei should actually have a conversation about it#Like he brings it up#So I wrote that and I had him get really mad at her and let that sit around for a minute bc uh-oh there’s another problem#Seee the issue with doimg multiple rewrites of something is suddenly the part that was initially meant to be the focus. Is not important#Anymore and is actually distracting from the main point#So OK I delete all that and rewrite that to make it less distracting#Still keep the important buildup in that scene but focus on Mei more bc this is a comic that’s from her pov#Ok ok yeah. I like that. But THEN#UH OH NEW PROBLEM. ! Remember that He gets really mad scene? The one I let sit to go worry about the middle section#Well. Haha. I read the whole comic back again to check for flow and shit#Get to the end#WOW ITS OUT OF CHARACTER AND JARRING. He’s not mean or anything I just don’t think he’d yell in that sort of emotional way?#I got so lost in the sauce I forgot to write good#So now I’m stuck. It’s so out of character so obviously I get rid of that problem.#Change it so he does still yell but less and also differently. and also now Mei gets to be pissed tf off#and tied it into several previous comics since I like things to be connected to each other#I think?? I think I’m happy with it now…but Jesus Christ#I don’t usually have to do Any rewrites#And the number of other comics I want to do is piling up so I take breaks to sketch those out for later#Then return. To my undoing.
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the idea that max never actually had sex before he was with grace is (at least to me) a somewhat plausible headcanon considering the sounds he was making in that scene + his warped perception about sex ("watch some porn! you'll see!"), but im also choosing to believe it because theres something disproportionately hilarious to me specifically about the idea of dying a virgin but somehow still losing your virginity after death when youre a ghost
#nerdy prudes must die#max jagerman#npmd#my posts#an idea i just thought of as i was writing this that is less plausible but made me laugh really hard#do you think max was Saving Himself for The One?#and he had decided that The One for him was grace#that is almost definitely definitely not the case but the idea of it is literally making me laugh out loud rn#itd add another layer of subversion to their dynamic i guess#i mean i guess technically grace wouldve ideally wanted to save herself for The One#but i think grace put more importance on having sex within the context of marriage more than she did on it being with the Love of her Life#like she'd expect who she's marrying to be The One but marriage was a higher priority than an emotional connection. am i making sense.
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whenever i think abt writing Nandor and i get going thru a series of sequences of him behaving like a well-adjusted, caring, adult i have to stop myself, backspace several mental paragraphs and remember that he's basically a semi-captive lion being observed in a nature documentary and he functions on 92% Id
#wwdits#what we do in the shadows#nandor#nandor the relentless#neat fanfic trick: if you're nandor is behaving ooc like a normal well adjusted empathetic human being just ask yourself#“what would a lion do in this exact scenario?”#and whatever the absurdity it's probably closer to the truth than not#anyways i have a lot to say abt the amorality of the vampires and how they simply don't function with the same human ethical thought#but that doesnt mean they dont care and love and have social behaviors of their own that shouldnt be judged less than#and will express those emotions in ways that might feel foreign to most humans#...is what i say to myself to keep from crying as i delete 3 pages of nandor talking out his feelings 😭😭😭#(also brief note: when i say he functions on Id its not that he lacks intelligence or the capacity to use it along with his ego/super ego)#(as seen in the s5 finale)#(but rather he's an apex predator so his whole being is funneled into traits for hunting. not other things we think show intelligence)#(in the mordern non hunting/gathering world)#(which is partially why he's so disconnected from the world and struggles to find purpose in an environment that no longer values him)#(truthfully nandor is human but simply the definition of humanity has changed rapidly from what it valued centuries before)#(and leaves nandor lost)#(except for guillermo. his one connection to humanity and what anchors him to the modern world 🥲)#(...looks like i got lost in the tags again...)
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ended up telling my mom “she’s a billionaire pop star … she’s also a songwriter I’ve loved for a long time. both of those things are true.”
#not a conversation I can have for a long time as it’s too uncomfortable#but it was good to push through and say it#it’s interesting. I will always have a deep emotional connection to Taylor and also always love her as a person and an artist#and she IS a billionaire pop star with all of the attendant choices that go with that#and as i’ve gotten older there’s just been way more distance#in terms of my need to defend her choices or agree with them or even understand them#I have grown less defensive of her (in a good way)#and I think am more able to just See What Is To Be Seen#without. again. feeling the need to take it all on as something I have to defend on behalf of someone I am Holding Up as an Example#I’m not holding her up? like.#idk if this makes sense#But I remember reaching this point where I was just like ‘gosh I hope she never writes a song that contradicts any of the songs’#‘upon which I have built this artistic vision’#‘of her and what she stands for’#and it was so funny because it was this TERRIFIED desire on my part to freeze time#and freeze Taylor#so that my reading would be true forever#just wanted to put her in a cottage on the top of a hill and keep her safe there forever#metaphorically but also literally!#and then I’ve just had to let that go#best believe she’s still bejeweled lol#that was for me TOO#and anyway her sheer prolificness made it clear I was never going to be able to keep this watchful eye on it all#it was just going to have to pour in and I was going to have to let it#and also on some level emotionally personally I was going to have to step back#and be less invested in a certain way#in a very real daily life kind of way#anyway after the eras tour was so funny because i had this strong sense that we were being SWEPT out of the stadium#with Taylor’s trademark Efficiency. and it was hilarious. Like yes yes the love and connection and talent is real#and Billionaire Pop Star has places to be and a crowd of peasants to manage!!! (I say this with love and a sense of humor) anyway
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Seeing as the big high point of Dragonflight is the relationship between Lessa and Mardra, it’s a bit of a shame that the conflict in Dragonquest doesn’t actually center around the collapse of that relationship
#as opposed to the relationship between F’lar and T’ron#which I don’t have a problem with but it has less emotional weight because we never get to see their relationship being good#whereas with lessa and mardra it’s like this is the first woman lessa has met who is in the same position as her#and can be a friend and a mentor#they’ve formed a connection literally across centuries#and the fact that they formed that relationship saves the entire planet#and then eight years later they’re bitter enemies#so it would be way weightier for the conflict with the oldtimers to be framed around THAT#don’t mind me I’m just adding complex female relationships to books with very few women again#pern#dragonriders of pern#anne mccaffery#dragonflight#dragonquest#mardra#lessa#f’lar#t’ron#stubbornly tagging pern characters names#dragonflight reread#character analysis
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my tumblr experience drastically improved when i realised that i could reply to people recklessly and if they dont respond its no biggie i leave them alone. the vast majority of the time i instead gain another warm kind presence on my dashboard and know that even if they some day disappear into the void i'll still have those exchanges with someone far far away who made my day better for a moment
#emotional about people like me who struggle so much with social life#forming strange and beautiful connections online#like a little robotic extension on my heart reminding me that#my autism doesnt mean i will never feel love in this body of mine#i just have to struggle a bit to find ways that are less spoken about#logs#im not even high
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sneepy cozy....
#cats#(medical stuff mention for tags)#poasting confortable image of boye for peace and serenity and such forthe#I have little weird episodes sometimes where I get shaky (but like violently like 'would spill a drink if you were holding it beacuse#your hands are moving so much' type shaky) and weird and sick feeling but usually it passes in an hour or less. but last night I just#literally couldnt sleep I was shaking so much and my heartrate was up a ton and wouldn't go down even after like 6 hours plus super nausea#so I went to the hospital and now shall wear a heart monitor for a week. which hopefully it's just some weird drastic low blood sugar#event or something and there's nothing actually going on. ekg + ct scan for blod clots + virus panel + almost all of the blood work seems#normal so... aa.......#Though me being so privacy focused hrggh... I basically have a constantly bluetooth connected device around me#since the monitor comes with a cell phone that is constantly transmitting data to the place. which they said they'll call you#if they see anything weird which is also scary. random phone calls... but definitely better than letting an issue go unadressed lol#the phone is also not meant to be more than 10 feet away from the monitor at any time so I put on this old tactical fishing#vest thing thats like navy green with 100 pockets and im just using one of the giant pocketson the side as a phone holder#my enormous silly vest just to keep one little phone#ANYWAY... because I got up early the morning before and didn't sleep at all and spent nearly all day in waiting rooms and such#I have been awake for like 32 hours striaght. which I'm sure also does not help with an elevated heartrate lol#feeling shrimp emotions or whatever people talk about unlocking at a certain level of stress and sleep deprivation#and also no food or water. after a while they brought me like 3 saltines and some ice water but I basically also haven't eaten since 3am#last night and it's 2pm now..#thus............ bapy............. baby boye....... he will help ease all ailments with his baby powers...#And no I dont drink energy drinks or anything with caffiene really I'm afraid of all substances on the planet essentially#My body just likes to become shaky and weird randomly even when I'm not conciously anxious about anything/have had no caffiene/etc#and I guess I'm always more nervous about getting anything heart related checked out because of my arm/shoulder/chest area injury stuff#... i literally have constant chest pain all the time. it moves around but i nearly always have some sort of pain or pressure in my chest#so when people are like 'oh well a little weird heartrate is fine but watch out if you have pain!' it's like... i always do lol.. how am I#supposed to tell the Bad Pain apart from the Always Pain when the descriptions of Bad Pain are very very similar#AAAANYway.... hrghh... i wanted to be very productive and finally post drafts and wrok on things today. but alas..#I can at least post small image of soft boye.. though he recently got into stuff in the bathroom whilst left#alone and knocked things into the toilet.. So perhaps not an innocent and NICE boy.. but still.. a soft one .. beautfile....
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having so many thoughts and feelings abt Evan kelmp post recent mismag ep if I spontaneously combust that's why
#mismag spoilers#dont read tags lol altho im still gonna be sorta vague#i simply and having a lot of emotions and feelings abt the way brennan talks abt evans relationship to life and death#and suicidality and how like. fucking exactly he pulled words from my own brain and how suicidality has manifested for me most of my life#and esp rn where i have good people and things that keep me grounded and connected and at the end of the day are such a core part#of what keeps me going. but when brain is less good? being afraid of life is exactly fucking it.#like i was my most suicidal in high school because i was so afraid of what comes next and the big future and everything it would require#from me and the way i am is also very different from evan but honestly that made it hit extra hard of just.#thats exactly it huh. god damn.
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