#I have actively considered taking this whole blog down and removing everything from my AO3 because of them

[unforth]

Alright instead of rageposting about white people perpetuating racism problems in cnovel/cdrama fandoms I've channeled my feels into cleaning up some shit I've been doing a bad job at maintaining and feeling horribly guilty about for months or even years. This is probably a healthier use of my current "fuck it." So, for reference, I've:

deleted the kink meme part of the DMBJ kink meme on AO3. This means that the prompts and sign ups and claims are now gone (I'm sorry I didn't give people time to save their prompts, but the reason I didn't do this months ago was that it had many steps and I was being useless about DOING those steps and as I said in the intro paragraph, I'm now at "fuck it" and like. if I can't do it "the right way" I'm today just breaking and doing it "the wrong way" and here we are). The collection and the ten stories in it still exists and anonymity and such are still maintained for people who wanted it, but new prompts and new fills cannot be submitted.

ditto the above for the kink meme part of the SPN kink meme on AO3. The prompts and sign ups and claims are now gone. I also removed myself administrating the Tumblr, though the other two people involved (fpwoper and envydean) do still have access. I realized belatedly that I really should have offered to just leave and let them have it but, again, today is apparently "fuck it" day which means I'm not thinking through the ramifications of my actions which has resulted in some bad fandom citizenry behavior on my part, and again, I truly do apologize. (I've offered to help them reconstruct the challenge part if either of them wants to run it; fpwoper has already said no, I'll see what envydean says and I'll apologize profusely even more and do what I can do fix things if envydean DOES want to take over and make it active again). The collection and the stories written for it still exist; that's about 40 works. Thanks to everyone who participated.

I left @saawek's Star of Solitude event, which I helped run a year and a half ago. Saawek hasn't really been active on Tumblr, but hun if you see this it's nothing at all about you or TGCF I'm just pulling back from things that even seeing them in my blog list has been causing me stress on the daily.

I formally announced that I'll be consolidating @zhenhunartreblogs and @dmbjartreblogs in @cnovelartreblogs, and I've posted to that effect in all three blogs. If you want Zhenhun/Guardian and DMBJ art content from my sideblogs, unfollow the old blogs and follow at cnovelartreblogs, and just black list fandoms you're not interested in - that's the whole reason I tag everything.

I deleted another side blog I haven't been using.

I'm considering deleting @memesforwriters, which I only update maybe once a month, and honestly just typing all this up has I think tipped me over into "fuck it" and I'm going to delete that too. I expect I'll instead reblog relevant memes to the @duckprintspress account, since I have to maintain that regardless.

My last remaining completely inactive Tumblr sideblog is where I'd posted on translated chapter the 2ha manhua. I really would like to be doing more work like that, though hell if I know when I'll have time; I renamed that blog to @unforthfantranslations, and I have vague hopes to translate more of 2ha and to tackle Lie Huo Jiao Chou (which I've never read any version of and would like to). But tbh I probably won't manage any progress on any of that until the fall.

Nothing like a pile of grief to make me say "I'm done feeling guilty about this stuff, like is too short, fuck it I'm gonna make these changes I've been waffling about for ages."

P. S. I opened another window to check how exactly I'd renamed the translation blog and while I had it opened I decided on a compromise with memesforwriters, which is that I'm exporting it, and THEN I'll delete it. And I DMed the Destiel Harlequin mods that I'm done and think we should shut it down. And I spotted a couple Discord servers I'm going to leave.

So yeah. that's the mood today in a (rather large and overly wordy) nutshell.

Apparently when I said yesterday that I'd be quiet, I failed to take into account how I ACTUALLY process grief. In my defense, this is only the...fourth?...time someone I really care about has died in my entire life. (counts of...Arthur, Gil, my grandfather, yeah that's three...of course other people I've cared about have died but no one who I loved and who I felt "I wish I had more time with this person." Like...I wish I'd had more time with Belle but I didn't love her...yeah I'm just babbling now I'm sorry I'm like this today.)

ETA: okay I just left like 6 Discord servers I haven't been using, too. There's only one I'm still like "maybe I shouldn't..." but I know a lot of people in that server and if I really want back in I can ask for invite.

[theorangerangers]

How do you feel about the JaviAmelia shippers who hate on OllieAmelia (and Ollie in general)? For me, I think it's kind of silly and we should respect each other's ships/faves even if they aren't for us

I do think we should respect each other’s ships but I would be lying if I said the actions of some Javiamelia shippers haven’t left a sour taste in my mouth. I had someone attack me on a post I made about having a feeling about Amelia and Ollie being cannon as well as quite few people thinking it was appropriate to slide into my DMs about it. Ollie is almost a modern Connor in my eyes, (everyone knows a jerk like this in real life and generally he is also receiving the same character arch as Connor did). I like Ollie a lot he reminds me of my dad for all the good and bad that comes from a guy who told me that ‘it’s only multi variable calculus, it should be easy’ (it wasn’t but I still love him even if he wasn’t too happy with my B-). He’s also really really funny in the context of a show that fully acknowledges mystic force happened in a way similar to Preston believing in magic. I think we should make some fun of him but no more than any other ranger because also it’s a bit like how everyone hated on Dax in Operation Overdrive but when I rewatch, sure I cringe a little but he’s still fun in his own right. There’s a difference between making some light hearted ribbing at a character’s expense and then just whatever’s been going on with some of the Javi x Amelia shippers.

Generally though I didn’t care about Javi x Amelia either way I just figured it was different but nothing else about it until people attacked me just just reading into the subtext of a children’s show which since it for children normally follows a predictable plot. after that even just seeing that ship made me feel rotten inside and I’ve done my best to block it since it’s not the ship it’s self that’s ever made me feel any type of way but the my way or the high way kind of shippers and the way they’ve made me connotate being yelled at online with their ship . As a veteran of the supernatural fandom I can easily say this is not the worst thing I have ever seen on tumblr but it feels different when people choose to call you a bad person just for making one post about a couple in a kids show that was very obvious from a story telling stand point since most of the time when they have two rangers pretend to be a couple early in the show they almost always end up cannon by the end so the psychic scene kinda gave it away for me. It’s a pattern we’ve seen multiple times in the show like with Shelby and Tyler and I thought it was kinda cute so I made a post which opened Pandora’s box of just unwarranted attacks.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with the ship and Ollie is a good character and I wouldn’t have him be replaced with anyone else on the show but the way the shippers feel the need to act sometimes does make me actively avoid it block it on all my socials. I don’t have a problem with anyone who ships anything or likes any character as long as they don’t come after me for liking something else or taking something I’ve made for my ship and turning it into something it isn’t to fit their views.

Frankly I only post as much Ollieamelia on my blog as I do now as a way to ward off more people like that. If you don’t like sand, stay out of the sandbox.

[tiifalockhart]

Learning

Pairing: Sephiroth x Reader

Warnings: alludes to torture and trauma (no direct mention).

Word Count: 3k

A/N: Hi friends, this is the longest thing I’ve written so far on this blog... I hope you enjoy it. I put a lot of time into it, I wanted to portray Sephiroth a different way than I usually see in other fanfictions, hopefully my interpretation is accurate! Feedback is always appreciated <3

Ao3 || Masterlist

It’s a known secret that Sephiroth was fairly... Sheltered because of Hojo in Shinra. As many battles he’s been in and as many places he’s traveled, he still doesn’t seem to understand much outside of fighting and war. It tugged at your heartstrings, the way you’d talk about something with so much passion and excitement, yet Sephiroth wouldn’t necessarily understand what you were talking about and hold that same adorably cute confused face

So, you decided to take this into your own hands. Slowly and surely, your relationship turned into a conquest of teaching Sephiroth about anything and everything. It ranged from simple things such as feeling the sand between his toes on a warm summer day, to achievements like marriage and old age, however old he may be when he’s considered a senior citizen (do enhanced people age normally?). 

It all started one day when you were showing him your favorite snacks. The two of you made it a habit to go grocery shopping weekly, mostly for weekly meals, but you wanted to branch out and let him try other foods. Unfortunately, Sephiroth seemed to really know Shinra’s cafeteria food, lab food, and whatever ungodly meals they prepared for war. You jumped on this opportunity to let him try your favorites, and your least favorites, giving him a wide variety of snacks. You began to check off your list: pocky, pickles, spicy chips, cheez-its, popcorn, trail mix, regular chips, you even bought ingredients to make ants-on-a-log and peanut butter crackers. Hopefully this was enough to give him a wide variety of tastes... 

It hadn’t even occurred to you that it wasn’t a healthy idea until he brought it up. Sephiroth stared down at the grocery cart full of random items stacked on top of your weekly usual, his face holding an unreadable expression. “Have you thought that maybe this is too much?” He asked, looking over at you. God, how was he so cute?

“Well, no. But it’s worth it. If you go into sugar shock, I can always call the hospital and hope that they know what to do with you.” You joked, giggling at his slightly disgruntled expression. 

Once the two of you arrived home, you laid the snacks out on the kitchen table, smiling up at him innocently. “What would you like to try first?” You asked, tilting your head to the side. 

The way he reacted to your question made it seem like he was solving a mathematical problem in his head. He analyzed each snack with his eyes, looking between them all in silence. You began to grow nervous that he might actually be a picky person and you were pressuring him to eat. Eventually, he silently pointed to the box of pocky. “I like chocolate.” He stated simply, which made you smile. 

“Pocky, hm? Have you ever heard of the pocky game?” You asked, a mischievous grin taking over your features. He raised a brow at the mention of it, shaking his head simply. You opened the box and took out one of the chocolate covered sticks, placing it between his lips. “Try it first, see if you like it.” You instructed. 

Hesitantly, Sephiroth took a bite from the biscuit, chewing the small piece for a moment before nodding approvingly. “It... Is good.” He answered, taking more bites until it was gone. 

You grinned and pulled out another stick. “Perfect. Would you like to play the pocky game, then?” You asked sweetly, which he smiled in response and nodded. “Good, good... So basically, it’s a race to finish the pocky. We both start at different ends and take bites until we reach the middle.” You explained innocently. 

Sephiroth raised a brow. “Is this a trap to kiss me? You could just ask-”

“Silence, we’re going to play the game.” You responded, smiling innocently and placing the biscuit between your lips. Sephiroth stared down at your innocent gaze and sighed, trying to hide the smile making its way onto his lips. Giving in, he began to nibble along the opposite side of the stick. Slowly, the two of you got closer and closer to the middle, a sly grin making its way to your lips as a very very slight blush formed on Sephiroth’s cheeks. Eventually, you surrendered the rest of the pocky to him, planting a gentle peck against his lips and pulling away. “Not bad, right?” You asked, a teasing smile on your features as he finished the pocky. 

“...Yes.” He answered awkwardly, which made your heart flutter. “It was good.” He added with a firm nod, as if he were confirming it with himself. After that, the two of you indulged in snacks for the rest of the day, Sephiroth naming which ones he thought were good, and the rest he preferred to stab with Masamune (he wasn’t particularly fond of the spicy chips and pickles). 

After that day, the two of you began to plan small vacations and roadtrips all over the world, your first stop being Costa Del Sol. “There’s nothing like feeling the sun on your skin with the nice sandy breeze of a beach.” You explained with a grin, eagerly pulling him along the sandy path. Sephiroth struggled to walk at first, he was still not used to wear flip-flops. Once the two of you arrived to the beachfront, you ignored his quiet complaints of how hot it was. “The water is probably cool.” You stated, placing your things down in a decent spot. After laying out your towels and removing your cover-ups, you turned to the now shirtless Sephiroth and grabbed the tube of sunscreen. “Someone as pale as you should be lathered in sunscreen.” You stated, squirting quite a bit into your hands. “Turn around and hold up your hair.”

Sephiroth groaned quietly, turning his back to you and pulling his braided hair over his shoulder. “What is... Sunscreen? And how does it work?” He asked, furrowing his brows and shuddering at the cold lotion touching his skin. 

“It’s a lotion, it helps you from not getting sunburned.” You explained, carefully lathering the lotion along his back. 

“What is a sunburn?” He asked, furrowing his brows in confusion. “Is it dangerous?” 

“It can be.” You answered, turning him around and reaching up to carefully place the lotion on his face. “Sunburns happen when you’re out in the sun too long with no protection. You get all red and scaly, and it hurts really bad.” You explained, pinching his cheek and giggling. 

“Oh... Then, should I help you with your sunscreen?” He asked, holding out his hand to help. You raised your brows in surprise. 

“I wasn’t expecting you to offer to help, but I don’t mind.” You responded, snickering and turning around. Sephiroth carefully placed some of the sunscreen in his hands, glaring at the odd texture for a moment, before beginning to rub it against your back. 

“...When do I stop?” He asked, tilting his head to the side as he continued to lather your back and shoulders. 

“Until I’m covered and you think it’s enough.” You shrugged, smiling up at him innocently. He hesitated and nodded, slowly pulling his hands away from your skin. 

Once the two of you were covered, you tossed the sunscreen back in your bag. “What do you want to do now?” You asked, looking up at him and raising a brow. 

“...What do people usually do at the beach?” He asked, his tone sounding slightly confused. “Zack said last time he was here, he had to fight people with an umbrella.” Sephiroth pointed out, staring down at you. He was so adorable, it physically hurt. 

“Nooo, no, people do other things than fight.” You began, looking around. “Here, I’ll give you a few options. We can go in the water, which is probably cool. We can relax on the sand, maybe tan a little. We can also build a sandcastle. There’s also the pier nearby, maybe they have something we can explore.” You explained, crossing your arms.

Sephiroth hesitated, thinking through each of the options, once again analyzing each of them. He looked over at you quietly as if he were searching for help. “What would you like to do?” He asked, furrowing his brows. You swore you could see somewhat of a pout on his face. 

“I’m fine with anything. You choose.” You responded stubbornly, crossing your arms and smiling at his somewhat troubled expression. “There’s no wrong answer, we can do whatever you want.”

He nodded and continued thinking it all through. Finally, he looked over at you. “I would like... To build a sandcastle.” He answered, looking down at the sand below him. You smiled and immediately gathered the buckets and shovels you brought with you.

“Good idea! It’ll be a lot of fun. You’re doing great.” You praised, which made him smile somewhat. The two of you took a seat on the sand and began to dig up a moat, planning out how the castle will look and building a small bridge. Occasionally, one of you would get up and rush to the water, gathering some in a bucket before returning and continuing to build. Eventually, the two of you finished a decently sized sandcastle. You smiled over at Sephiroth proudly. “Not bad for your first time! Wasn’t that fun?” You asked, taking his hand. 

He stared down at the sandcastle and nodded. “I liked that. It was fun.” He responded, looking down at you. “What now?” 

“What do you want to do next? We still have the whole day.” You asked, smiling up at him sweetly. He raised a brow, looking around at the options again before nodding firmly. 

“Let’s go to the pier.” He decided, this time a little more quickly. You smiled proudly and took his hand. 

“Sounds good, maybe they’ll have ice cream.” You pointed out, pulling him along happily. The rest of the day, you watch Sephiroth grow more and more comfortable at the beach, eventually getting in the chilly water. 

Sephiroth ended up learning so much about you, the world and all the activities out there. It was years until the two of you began to even consider settling down with each other. Sephiroth was into the idea, but you were the one who ended up being unsure. You’ve taught Sephiroth about so much, but were you really the one for him? Maybe he wasn’t in love with you, maybe he stayed with you because he kept learning more and more, finally understanding what it felt like to be loved and cared for properly and knowing what happiness. Unfortunately, this feeling didn’t go away for months, even close to a year. Was it better to let go of Sephiroth? Maybe give him the chance to figure it out on his own? Maybe you weren’t the best fit for him, maybe someone else out there is a better fit for him, and he just believes it’s you because of what you’ve taught him.

So, the day before the two of you finalized your purchase of your first house together, you sat him down for a moment to talk it over with him. Sephiroth was confused as to why you seemed... Upset. Everything had been so great, the two of you were starting your life together officially. He couldn’t think of a single reason why you’d be upset. Worry and nervousness began to flood his veins. 

You quietly took a seat across from him, unable to hide the troubled expression on your features. “Seph... You know I love you, right?” You began, which caused him to flinch slightly. 

“I do.” He answered stoically. “Is something wrong?” 

“No... No, nothing’s wrong. Everything’s just right. There’s just... One thing that’s been bothering me lately.” You prefaced, hesitantly reaching out to take his hands. “We’ve been in this together for so long. You’ve learned so much and you’ve grown a lot as a person. I’m... Afraid, that maybe there’s a better option out there than me for you.” You explained, a nervous look on your features. 

Confusion flooded his expression as he stared over at you. “I-” He stopped himself, attempting to figure out what you were talking about. “I’m sorry, I don’t understand.” Sephiroth muttered, looking down at his hands. Did he mess up?

You noticed his confused and guilty expression, hesitating. Maybe this was a bad idea. “I-I’m not trying to say anything bad or like... Break up or anything. I just wanted to know if you’re sure that you want to do this. After this, it’ll be hard to go back. I don’t want you to do something because you feel like you’ve been pressured into it.” You explained hurriedly, concern forming on your face. “I care about you so much, I just want you to be sure this is what you want.”

He stared down at you in confusion, slowly shaking his head as he turned to face you. “I still don’t understand. Why do you think I’m here because you’ve pressured me?” He asked, tilting his head to the side. “I haven’t stayed with you because I feel pressured or trap. If anything, I feel the opposite of that. I felt pressured and trapped with those scientists, but with you, I feel free and happy.” He gripped your hands carefully, pressing soft and gentle kisses to your knuckles. 

You stared at him and smiled sadly, slowly wrapping your arms around him carefully. “I’m glad... I want nothing more than for you to be comfortable and happy.” You confessed, a soft sigh leaving your lips. “I just wanted to make sure you felt that you were doing the right thing for you, not for me or anyone else.” 

He nodded lightly and pulled away, cupping your cheeks carefully and pressing a delicate kiss to your lips. “Can we get married now?” Sephiroth asked, a small and faint smile forming on his lips. 

You giggled softly, your cheeks heating up. “Fine, fine. We’ll get married now.” You responded, cupping his cheeks and pressing a kiss to his lips.

Your final lesson for him would have been what it felt like to be loved. When the two of you stood together on your wedding day, holding each other’s hands and gazing into each other’s eyes, Sephiroth was sure that what he felt for you was love. But it wasn’t any regular love, he loved his friends as well, this was unending love. The two of you were completely enthralled with each other, willingly captured in an ever-lasting bond. 

Your life long wish at this point was to always make sure Sephiroth felt loved, even if your ups and downs, in sickness and in health, he’d never feel the way he did in those labs. Instead of fixing his past, you both collectively agreed to move forward and carry on, not allowing it to drag him down. It made you happy to see him in a much better state, he’s grown so much in the years the two of you have been together. You were proud and thankful.

Sephiroth was thankful as well. Not a day went back where he looked in your face and examined your features, each memory of the two of you flashing in his mind. You were perfect to him, everything he could have ever imagined. You gave him a second chance, something he was never sure he would have gotten. 

[seenashwrite]

Changes for Nash

I'm going to be pulling back the time I spend on here in various ways, and if you'd like to know in what ways you can find the basic scoop below the cut.

To new followers - I hate that you've arrived just in time to see this, but I must hit “pause” and look after myself. Story-wise (and otherwise!) there's quite a bit of original content to peruse, so I hope this will satisfy you for the time being.

To all of the Nashooligans  - please understand this does not mean I won't still post things and queue things. I've got a ton of stuff in drafts (thank you notes, replies, feedback, etc.) that will get posted in due time. I'm not disappearing. I'm not dropping the friendships I've made and the chats we have/the things we share/etc., nor a couple of challenges I agreed to and the side-blog projects I’ve committed to work on with others.

For those of you who don't read further, I'll close for you with a heartfelt...

Much lurve - Nash.

What’s changing / stopping:

I've been doing some purging offline, and now have starting doing some purging online. As there are many of you I consider friends and as I have a good chunk of devoted readers/participants in my shenanigans around here, I feel I owed you the scoop on what's changing (at least for now). 

The TL;DR is that “major” original content (things that require great time investment) are not going to be making an appearance for the near future.

So, here are the things related to how I am choosing to spend my time in the context of my activity in the world of fanfic/SPN for the future/near future:

.

* Some projects are indefinitely on hold and some projects are cancelled altogether (see freshly updated Works In Progress post); I will fulfill my remaining challenge commitments as promised, and while perhaps it will be more abbreviated than normal, I will do my best not to kick out anything less than what y’all expect from me creativity-wise

* I've pulled everything from FF.net - the user end is too cumbersome, I'm tired of wasting time on it. I've left everything up on AO3, no plans to take it down from there. I've actually been going through the works there and editing formatting that slipped through the cracks. One thing I am doing is ceasing with adding cute images to stuff, simply not willing to spend the time on it; I may or may not remove the things for which images are necessary to understanding references in a story; we'll see

* Speaking of images - and videos and gifs and whatnots - no more any time soon; I promised one to someone and that’s already done, it’ll be stuck in the Q

* The Nail is on indefinite hold, very possibly will no longer happen; I may whip up an abbreviated version with the fics I had prepped for the next edition, or I'll individually reblog them - priority going to those with less than 100 notes - with brief versions of my usual in depth commentary as time permits; we'll see

* CASPN has been a commitment of mine each week > 1 year, minus the 3 weeks or so absence in the fall due to an injury that resulted in an unexpected hospital stay; I know this is a favorite weekly "break" for a good handful of you; I think I just need my own break. I know for sure I'm no longer able/willing to work on the decks, it is likely more of a time-suck than people realize to comb scripts, get the format for workable Qs and As right, maintain the whole shebang, etc.; bottom line: I just don't know. Like I say, I think I need a hiatus. Maybe until the season premiere. I'll keep thinking about it, let you know on Thursday where I'm at.

* The couple of side blog endeavors I’m pleased to be part of will still keep happening, I committed to it and I’m not gonna leave y’all in a lurch. Plus, that stuff’s fun, and not being in charge of ‘em means less stress and less time consumption

* Having said that, I won't be finishing up the substantial behind-the-scenes work I’ve already done on the SPN Theft Watch blog that is still in construction mode; I'm not deleting it, I'm just not willing to invest time in it right now. I still have several outstanding issues to deal with regarding the personal theft that came over to Tumblr and the reblogs that still have not been deleted. There are a few I still need to give a second notice to; the ones who have now ignored me after 2x, I'm reporting

* I won't be taking on "Dear Nash" things that ask for writing advice, offering up the "Dear Nash: Script Doctor Edition" option, re-blogging any of my writing tips; to the Nonners who asked for a complete master post of such, and the Nonners who asked for a post on how to give and accept critique, I'm putting those on the back burner as well; I also won't be passing along writing tips from professionals; basically nothing under the umbrella of “advice” [ETA: I have done this once since this post (months later) and it went okay. Will consider doing again]

ETA - Neglected to mention that I’ve had an idea for a gift for y’all when/if I hit 1K followers - the “materials” have been accumulating in a bookmark folder - and it’s unlike anything/any concept I’ve seen during my tenure in the fandom. It may take awhile, but I do still plan on doing it.

And if you care to know more scoop about the why... well, the “why” of the tipping point(s) that made me seriously ponder on what I’ve been feeling for awhile now... that’s on a page I made here. 

(Spoiler alert: I’m not angry, there’s no hurt fee-fees, it’s just realization about what I choose to spend my time on and what I get out of those things, how much joy it would bring me and how that’s shifted.)