#I have a family history of breast cancer and having some issues and like I already had an ultrasound of my breast done that showed I’m okay

[gxlden-angels]

I've got a personal situation going on that I want to eventually talk about here, but in summary transphobes and fundamentalist christians hate women and can suck my spiritual dick about it

[raeathnos]

.

[shannendoherty-fans]

Essay

Dear Shannen Doherty: I’m sorry I bought the ‘I Hate Brenda’ newsletter in high school

As a social outcast myself, it felt good to pick on someone else — even if that someone was a celebrity I’d never met.

July 18, 2024, 5:10 PM GMT+1 By Liz Brown

Shannen Doherty, who played Brenda on "Beverly Hills, 90210," in 1990.Vinnie Zuffante / Getty Images

Shannen Doherty, the Gen X icon who played Brenda Walsh on the original “Beverly Hills, 90210,” passed away on July 13, 2024, at the age of 53 after a long battle with breast cancer. It is never easy to hear about one of your teen icons dying young, but I felt an extra layer of dread wash over me when I heard the news.

Doherty and I had a history. She didn’t know about it and she didn’t know me, but I had been holding on to a terrible secret for 32 years. When I was 16 years old, spending weekends alone in my room listening to Morrissey, I saw an ad in the back of an issue of Sassy magazine for something called the “I Hate Brenda Newsletter.” And I bought it.

“90210” was the most important show of my teenage years. My family didn’t have cable when it premiered in 1990, but my cool aunt in New York did. She would record a month’s worth of episodes on a VHS tape and then mail it to my sister and me so we could keep up. We rewatched the episodes over and over until the next month’s shipment.

I wanted Brenda Walsh’s life. I wanted to sneak into a bar with a fake ID and have a hot older guy buy me banana daiquiris. I wanted to live by the ocean and have a cool surfer boyfriend with a Porsche and a trust fund when the banana daiquiri guy didn’t work out. I wanted the most beautiful, popular girl in school to be my best friend and drive me around in her red BMW convertible. I wanted to lose my virginity in a fancy hotel room after the spring dance.

I was incensed that a character like Brenda, some rando from Minnesota with cheesy bangs, an affected voice and an overly confident sense of fashion, got to live this life — even if it wasn’t real and even if Beverly Hills was nowhere near the ocean. Why did she get to love herself so much, when I hated myself so much? I hated Brenda.

Why did she get to love herself so much, when I hated myself so much?

I sent away a money order to a P.O. Box in Hollywood, which was wildly exciting in and of itself, and a few weeks later, I received the six-page mailer. I was elated. I remember hanging it on my wall for the remainder of high school and likely most of college.

As a social outcast myself, it felt good to pick on someone else, even from the confines of my bedroom. It made me feel how I assumed popular people felt: powerful, important and better than those around me who weren’t in on the joke. In a way, it helped me feel empowered against those who bullied me. I was lonely, unpopular and had a lazy eye. In ninth grade, boys in my homeroom class would salivate like wolves, waiting for me to sit down so they could share specific thoughts on how “butt-dog ugly” I looked that day. In 10th grade, when we were doing a science experiment with carrots, one of my classmates collected some extras and flung them at me repeatedly. When I told him to stop he said, “I’m just trying to help fix your eyes!” and laughed himself silly.

I was a desperate teenager at the time I bought the newsletter — trying to squeeze in at the end of the popular girls’ lunch table by offering to buy them desserts from the cafeteria and bags of presents at Christmas. They did not reciprocate. I don’t know if Brenda or Shannen would have either, but now I realize that in so many ways our collective feeling was: everyone for themselves.

A day after the news of Doherty’s death, I thought about the newsletter and dug through old boxes of treasures from my tween and teen years: an English paper on the Gary Hart scandal, pictures from junior and senior proms (unlike Donna Martin, I was blisteringly sober throughout both), and my college freshman year facebook. I found my “I Hate Brenda” newsletter sandwiched between a CD insert for Counting Crows’ “August and Everything After” and a junior high school diary about how sad I was.

The newsletter was so much worse than I remembered.

It barely even touched on the character of Brenda Walsh. It was almost entirely focused on trashing Doherty in real life, calling her a “no-talent with a bad attitude” and a “one-dimensional woman.” It was basically a compendium of people calling her an obnoxious, ugly monster. My heart sank as I turned to page three and saw the headline, “Send Her to Slaughter.” It was an article about how Doherty had reportedly been obnoxious on the set of a video for the hair band Slaughter, but it was more than a play on words. It was hateful, just like the title of the newsletter promised.

This is the first page of the six-page newsletter I subscribed to back in the 1990s. I dug it up after Shannen Doherty's death and was ashamed to remember how cruel it was.

Doherty was 21 years old in 1992. Tabloids painted her as demanding, entitled, explosive and moody. And a few years after I bought the magazine and turned 21, I was exactly the same way. But I didn’t have the eyes of the whole world focused on me and my every move.

Since the birth of social media, I’ve been profoundly grateful that I got out of high school long before I could be cyberbullied. “Things are so much worse now than when I was in high school,” is the narrative I’ve told myself. The truth is teen bullying was always awful, but now it’s out of the shadows.

In some ways, the ’90s were an amazing and empowering time to be a teenage girl. There was the birth of Lilith Fair, “The Vagina Monologues” and “Thelma and Louise.” In other ways, it was a horror show, with ridicule of victims of sexual harassment and violence like Anita Hill and Monica Lewinsky. And of course, there was that ever-present feeling that we should all look like a Victoria’s Secret Angel. The ’90s weren’t fair to Shannen Doherty and I don’t know that the 2020s are much better for women in the spotlight, or women in general. A 2022 Pew Research study showed that nearly half of U.S. teens have experienced cyberbullying, with older teen girls reporting the highest rates of bullying.

When I look at Doherty’s career now, as a grown-up who has lived in Los Angeles for over 20 years, I’m blown away. She was a working actress at age 10 in 1981, in an industry that has always been and continues to be predatory toward young women in particular. She starred in some of the most important films and series of a generation, like “Heathers” and “Charmed.”

I should have written this apology years ago, and now it’s too late. It doesn’t matter how you treat people when they’re gone. It matters what you say when they’re still here. But I needed to say this for me — and for the 16-year-old version of myself who thought treating others the way she was treated was the solution. I guess the best I could do at this point is create a time capsule filled with random stuff for her, like the gang did for Scott Scanlon after his accidental death in the Season 2 episode about gun control, but I sure wish I could take her out for a banana daiquiri instead and tell her I’m sorry.

[hag-o-hags]

hold the fuckin phone here lads

i had a consult with rheumatology/immunology re: long tall short fat covid, and i went to a PA who was .... let's call it distracted? by the fact that I have prediabetes markers

which, frankly, duh, my mom's entire family are diabetic or prediabetic, my father's (v small) family was Skinny Diabetics -- my genes mean it's a matter of if not when (ETA: "not if BUT when" and/or "when not if". cripes. it took three goes to get this right. see below re: 65% rate of braining good.)

(and like sidebar if everyone in my family got breast cancer nobody would be sitting there like ooooooohhh make sure you're getting enough CARDIO whilst RECOVERING FROM A LIFE ALTERING FATIGUE DISORDER)

anyway there were a couple ..... blood orange flags? things that I wouldn't appreciate from my PCP, but from a specialist? sure whatever, maybe you have really solid evidence that this particular supplement is worth a try. I was coping with Robitussin for a while there.

but!!!!!!

she also gave me some studies to look through, which, hah, thank you, my brain works 65% of the time, but hey, sure, the musculoskeletal effects of diabetes mellitus might be helpful.

Bitch it's chiropractic!!!!!

the principle author is from the TEXAS CHIROPRACTIC COLLEGE

it's published by the JOURNAL OF THE CANADIAN CHIROPRACTIC ASSOCIATION

putting aside the teeny tiny minor issue that I do not at present actually have diabetes mellitus whY are you giving me chiropractic advice

when I took some of what she said back to my pcp (who remains, as ever, the fucking best), she was like "Um. No. No that doesn't track." At the time I was willing to accept that okay, we've taken a rheum/immun tactic off our list, we can go back to Neuro. But now I'm sort of thinking that hi. Hello. Maybe we really didn't spend enough time on the Immediate Family History of Bonkers Rheumatological Issues.

I'm tired. And my hands won't stop being tingly.

[fandxmslxt69]

my favourite game to play is "are the genetics kicking in or have i just not eaten enough/are my vitamins crashing again"

(gonna put a read more just for sensitive stuff like diseases sickness blah blah)

for CONTEXT, both my mom AND dad's side of histories of cancer and organ failures. the women on both sides (my aunts, my grandmothers, THEIR sisters, etc) have all had either breast cancer or ovarian cancer. My mom had cancer too when I was younger (tumor in her throat hit her voice box pretty bad and spread lower but she's ok now!!), and everyone's got a history of muscles/ligament problems (2 of my mom's brothers have have issues with their intestines, similarly my sister ALSO happens to have that problem where the intestines dont align in the right endings which causes a LOT of bathroom problems). the entire family has heart issues, diabetes, high blood pressure, etc. One of my mom's sisters has muscle failure. some of my dad's brothers have other issues too.

So really the odds are KIND OF stacked against me and sometimes i think "is this hair loss and weight fluctuation because im not eating the right stuff or has "my time" come?"

AAAAAAAAAAAAAA not to mention my vitamins are CRASHED constantly and im 80% sure im iron deficient.

this is sooo...yeah <3

[vies16]

Only just asked my mum recently what stage of stomach cancer my dad had when he was diagnosed with initially since they had never told me and I hadn’t asked.

Stage IV.

I remember after finding out looking up the statistics of survival and they weren’t great but my hope wasn’t 0 until a few weeks before he died (I did a better job predicting when he was going to die than the doctors). It’s funny because I remember not wanting to tell people because I didn’t want them to be concerned about me because it could end up all being fine and I shouldn’t make too big of a deal out of it! 😃 (in hindsight I had some weird issues stemming from experiences telling people about my mums cancer a few years prior + increasing levels of anxiety as covid went on)

If I had known I don’t know how I would have been able to enjoy those last 7 months so I am glad they didn’t tell me. Stage IV stomach cancer survival rate is 20% for the first year. There isn’t even really a statistic for the % of people who live past 5 years because it’s so lethal. I’m happy I had some hope because it gave me some comfort even if deep down I knew it was going to kill him. The fact mum and dad didn’t state the stage or had tried to comfort me like with my mums breast cancer was enough to tell me it was bad even if I didn’t know it was stage IV.

Don’t know why I’m writing this poorly written, unedited post about this but I do think about this a lot going into this time of year. Both with my birthday and parents marriage anniversary in September and the holidays coming up, along with his birthday and death anniversary, I guess it just becomes more apparent how much I myself and my life has changed in the last 4 years. Honestly feels like no time at all and an eternity ago. I miss him. He was a good dad, maybe not perfect but I was really lucky that I had him in my life.

Anyway, the semi positive is this completely killed any sort of inclination I may of had towards drinking/smoking. Not that really planned on doing either of those things but it’s a firm no now. Sorry if that makes me a buzzkill but like, both my parents had cancer and one died when I was 16 so…. It is interesting that there’s no other history of cancer in my family other than my parents on either side, really hit the jackpot on that one.

Also might mean I have to do more cancer medical checks more often than most people which sucks but I need to check with a doctor. Really don’t want to do frequent Mammograms because they sound painful as hell. And my asexual ass doesn’t want to do a fucking Pap smear. Here’s to hoping they change the consensus in the US to only doing them if you’ve had sex since they cancer they check for is 99% caused by an STD and then I can just stay a virgin for the rest of my life. (Too much info lol?) Pretty sure I’m aro too (jury’s still kind of out, might be biromantic) so I’m not likely going to have a partner who wants that from me anyway. At least it’s still better than cancer regardless.

[roysmultispeciality]

How to Prepare for Your First Gynecologist Visit

A gynaecologist is a medical expert specializing in gynecology, which exclusively deals with the female reproductive system. Most people consider seeing a gyne doctor when problems arise, such as missing periods, pelvic pain, heavy periods, or pregnancy issues. But you can consult a gynaecologist for expert recommendations and routine health checkups as well. Talk to the top gynaecologist in Siliguri, North Bengal. 

So, if you’re about to visit a gynaecologist for the first time, this blog will be helpful for you. This is your handy guide to communicate well with your gyne doctor and tell your concerns comfortably.

Let’s talk about the Importance of the Visit

This doctor has expertise in the diagnosis, treatment, and management of female reproductive health concerns. You can visit a gyne doctor for your reproductive health issues, breast examinations and problems, sexual health, and family planning. 

Gyne doctors help: 

Find out potential health issues early

Detect cancer of the reproductive system, including breasts in the female

Provide birth control options

Address and treat menstrual concerns

Treat sexual health and manage hygiene

Choosing the Right Gynaecologist for You 

In Siliguri, there are many reputed gynaecologists to reach out to. While some people believe in word of mouth, some prefer female gynaecologists. In other instances, people look for high-risk pregnancy management and birth options. So, they need obstetricians. 

You can ask for recommendations, and for this, talking to friends, family, or your primary care physician helps.

Know about their credentials if they are board-certified gynecologists. 

Check their specialties, such as gynecology and obstetrics, gyne-oncology, family planning, and maternal diet planning. 

Consider their location, years of experience, your health needs, doctors’ communication level, behavior, online reviews, clinic facilities, etc. Seek guidance from the most trusted gynaecologist doctor in Siliguri.

What to bring

If you have undergone previous gynecological care, or you’re on thyroid medications, bring that prescription. Inform your doctor if you take over-the-counter medications for pelvic pain or migraine during or before menstrual cycles, etc. 

You may carry an insurance card and ID if you need a particular or long-term treatment that your insurance can cover. However, it’s not necessary for the first medical appointment with your gynecologist. 

For women under and over 21 

So, if you’re under 21, on your first appointment, your gyne doctor besides a physical exam, may go for – blood tests. Gynecologists are less likely to perform a pelvic exam during the first visit. 

If you have symptoms like missing periods for months, painful periods, light or heavy periods, pelvic pain, frequent urination, or nausea, your doctor might ask or order - Whether you are sexually active, at what age you have had your first period, if you have frequent urination, medical history, STI testing, etc. 

For women over 21, a gynecologist might recommend a pelvic exam with/without a Pap test. During a pelvic exam, your doctor will check your reproductive and sexual health, while a pap smear test examines inflammation, cancerous cells, infections, vaginal and cervical conditions, etc. 

Schedule your appointment

When you schedule your appointment with the gynecologist, make sure you can reach the clinic in time. Generally, a good time for a gynecological exam is when you’re not on your period, ensuring comfort. 

But, if you need urgent concerns, don’t delay scheduling a medical appointment. Make an appointment with the best gynaecologist in Siliguri for comprehensive health support. 

General questions to ask

Feel free to ask questions based on your gynecologic health concerns. Here are some insights:

Do I have a gynecological condition?

Are my menstrual symptoms normal?

How can I prevent thyroid disorder?

Should I consider lifestyle changes for my reproductive health?

How often should I have a gynecological exam or health checkup?

How can I protect myself from STIs?

Do I need HPV vaccines or screenings?

What birth control options are suitable for me?

When it’s your first-ever appointment with a gynecologist, feeling nervous or overwhelmed is common. Do not think about your appearance, stay relaxed, and be certain about your health discomfort and concerns. Come forward and see your medical expert to keep your reproductive health fit and free from complications. You can visit the best gynecologist hospital in Siliguri, Roy’s Multispecialty Hospital. 

[king-ennui]

For a long time, I've wanted to go on T. I've always admired transmac bodies and felt a kind of envy towards them. I really want my body to be more masc. Partically, my chest and lower half. I think I just have to accept it's not an option for me, though.

I've been reading into it on and off, but studies seem to indicate it's not a good idea for people with NF1. Neurofibromatosis is known to get worse during puberty and pregnancy. In otherworld when theirs a lot of hormones. So HTR could potentially cause issues.

Finding information on this isn't easy as there are only a few studies of anything like this. There is a handful of short articles on it but no real long-term studies. I guess there is not a lot of overlap of trans people and people with NF?

I'm already on the mini pill, which, of course, is a hormone treatment and has some potential for tumours to grow. There are studies of this, but their also kinda sparse. Some people have seen an increase in symptoms, but most haven't. So it's not advised against going on it.

That said, the mini pill does increase my chances for breast cancer (as does having Nf1, which increases the chance by like 30%). With this in mind and a family history of breast cancer, I already have a lot of anxiety about my health.

Top surgery would help with that, but there is no way I can afford that. I could maybe set up a GFM, but I'm worried about the cost. My chest is disfigured due to a large plexifribroma (a type of tumour). I would probably need a skin graft to help with the reconstruction.

I guess I could make an appointment with a gender clinic, but the wait times on the NHS would be stupid. I honestly don't know where to start. I'm so lost and honestly just feel hopless before I've even started.

It's all such a worry. I don't think I'll ever have a body I feel good about. I'll be at most ambivalent towards it. 😑

[vamptastic]

Gonna go through this point by point since I'm a big nerd. Everything below is information that my endocrinologist has confirmed is true, but I myself am not a doctor I just like reading studies for fun. I can link studies for individual points if anybody wants them.

-Libido: Yes, testosterone generally will increase your libido. It varies a lot from person to person though.

-Bone issues: Going from having high levels of testosterone to low levels can cause osteoporosis (loss of bone density). This is generally more of an issue for trans women on estrogen, but it could be a risk for trans men coming off of testosterone after a long time being on it. The risk is pretty small though, most likely if you stop T after a long time, you will just have to do a bone scan and then possibly take low-dose hormones to treat it if you start having any issues. Being on it, there should not be an issue. And it is again, still very rare (5% for trans women iirc, mostly older women). Menopause for cis women causes a similar level of risk.

-Heart issues: Testosterone increases your risk of cardiovascular disease to what it would've been if you were a cisgender man, basically. That means if you are not already at risk for it, your risk is minimal. This is generally only a concern if you already have a family history or an existing heart problem.

-Hypertension: Cis men have higher blood pressure than cis women, so going on testosterone may raise your blood pressure. This should not be an issue unless your blood pressure is already chronically high.

-Infertility: This is partially true but understudied. Longterm testosterone therapy might reduce your chances of pregnancy but it's far from guaranteed to prevent it and you can still become pregnant on testosterone. If this is a big concern for you longterm you may want to look into freezing your eggs before starting it.

-Emotionally unstable: This is very individual. For me, I really did not notice any difference in my emotions day to day, but I am also mentally ill and take medication for it, so maybe it's more noticeable if you're starting from 'normal'. Anecdotally, most trans men report being happier and calmer on testosterone since it improves their self-esteem, but a common issue is having a harder time crying. If you are mentally ill you probably will want to be in therapy when starting the medication if this is a big worry for you, and in most of the US you need to be in therapy to start it anyway.

Some other commonly discussed symptoms:

-Breast and ovarian cancer: There is no causative effect from testosterone on risks of breast and ovarian cancer. However, there is a small correlation although studies are small and scarce. Most endocrinologists attribute this to transgender men being less likely to get screenings for these types of cancer due to dysphoria and medical discrimination.

-Clitoral growth: Clitoral growth is not guaranteed but pretty common. Most importantly this is not reversible so if you are uncomfortable with it you should ask your doctor what your options are to prevent it. However it's worth saying that if you did not have a large clitoris to begin with the growth may not be very noticeable at all, particularly on a low dose. Some people do have quite prodigious growth though so just do your research and know what you want in that regard.

-Voice changes: This is also not reversible. It is very unpredictable and can vary a lot depending on dosage and how your voice was before. For me, it dropped to a male register within two weeks of starting a low dose, but I have PCOS so my sensitivity to testosterone is different. For a friend of mine, it took a higher dose for it to happen, with his voice the same register for years on a low dose. Your voice might also still sound 'feminine' in a lower register because of how you are used to talking- you might want vocal training if you want your voice to sound unremarkably masculine. Most likely you will first notice the loss of higher notes (and voice cracks) before the access to lower ones. It can also mess with your singing voice if that's important to you, although you can relearn how to sing. Once your voice starts cracking it still takes months for it to be consistently deeper, so you can stop the treatment if voice change starts and you don't want it.

-Body hair: Again, very individual. If you're blonde for example, you might not see a visible difference. If you were already hairy like me, your body hair may become visibly darker and more obvious. Most likely you will grow hair in areas it may not have been before like the stomach and chest. Facial hair is possible but not guaranteed, for me my already visible mustache got darker and hair came in under my chin and around my sideburns, but it's very far from a beard. If you don't want to have any facial hair or shave, you can pursue electrolysis treatment, but you should plan for some light hair on the face at least.

-Hair loss: Very individual. If you notice your hair thinning or receding, you can stop hormones or take another medication like finasteride to prevent it. My endocrinologist did advise the former for me given my PCOS but it would really depend on your individual wants from HRT. Mostly it depends on your family history and stress levels.

-Weight gain: This is likely to occur but it may be the formation of more muscle (weighs more than fat) or the redistribution of fat from a female fat distribution to a male one. Personally, I take medication to treat an underlying condition that causes weight gain (PCOS) and didn't have any. If you're concerned I would ask your doctor for advice specific to you.

Other thoughts:

-Generally speaking transphobes wildly over exaggerate the negative health effects of hormone therapy. There are some preexisting issues that may make it inadvisable to start at all, like blood disorders and hypertension. For some conditions, like diabetes, it requires more frequent testing and monitoring but usually is not an issue. But if you are not prone to the specific issues that hormone therapy may exacerbate you are going to be completely fine. It does not cause any health problems on its own, but rather increases your risk of specific problems to levels similar to a cisgender person with natural levels of the hormone.

-There are multiple ways to administer testosterone. You can do intramuscular every 1-3 months, subcutaneous every 1-2 weeks, or daily testosterone gel every day. Intramuscular may need to be administered by a nurse, and you can opt for subcutaneous administered by a nurse if you do not want to do the injection at home. In my experience, the subcutaneous injection process is very easy and supplies are easily available if you look for things marketed towards diabetics. It would depend on your personal preference in regards to routine, comfort with needles, and whether you want a steady dosage or are okay with your levels fluctuating a bit.

-Testosterone does not prevent pregnancy. It is also not guaranteed to stop periods. If wanted, you can take oral mixed contraceptives and compensate for the estrogen dosage in your testosterone dosage, take progestin-only contraceptives in the form of pills, injection, implant, or patch, or get an IUD. Progestins are a female sex hormone but do not generally have a feminizing effect, although there is not a lot of study on it.

-Depending on where you live you will most likely receive a massive scary stack of paperwork when you start testosterone. Read it and ask your doctor about whatever looks concerning to you. Many states in the US put information that is factually untrue or wildly exaggerated on paperwork in order to scare people out of the treatment. Mine basically gives you an ad for conversion therapy.

hey, Velvet Nation, I have a friend looking into T -

I just know basically no actual information about it and i’m honestly too nervous to ask. I’ve heard it messes with your libido, causes bone issues, heart issues, hypertension, infertile, and it apparently makes you very emotionally unstable

Can anyone give some basic information and correct these things he's heard from TERFs? Love you all. <3

[rylredrants]

The Clock App & My Father

With the "formerly known as birdy" app burning down, I started exploring the clock app. It felt like a space for lighter, fluffier stuff where I didn't think I could (or should) post anything, but that changed yesterday. A lot changed for me yesterday. It was 5:30am and I'd been at my desk for about half an hour already, preparing a 6am training. My mother messaged me, saying that some "stuff" came up about my biological father's identity and asking if want to talk about it. I'm almost 45 years old, and this was the first time I'd heard the expression "your biological father." Of course, I wanted to talk about it!

She admitted that she cheated on my father with her HS sweetheart and told me exactly when and where I was conceived. His name was familiar to me for several reasons... his family had been a chosen family of sorts when I was a child. His mother was my other Nana, his younger sisters my aunties, and his daughter and I had been connected on FB for several years.

I also knew that he fathered a pregnancy when my mother was 16 and that she was able to legally terminate pre-Roe because of the state laws of the time. I'd told my half-sister that story, and we joked about how we almost had a half-sibling in common.

It turns out that she's known about my paternity since our father passed away over 20 years ago. My aunties have always known. I was THE family secret for over 40 years...

Another kicker here- someone with my bio father's last name popped up on my 23&Me years ago, but it didn't set off any alarm bells. He messaged me 5 years ago saying that he thought we were related, but I didn't see the message until I got back into the account yesterday. He is mutual friends on FB with my aunties, half-sister, and MY MOTHER.

Also, when I looked yesterday, one of my aunties turned up on the same list of DNA relatives, and I think that was the catalyst for my mother's disclosure. In one message, she said she wanted to tell me before I saw it on 23&Me, but when I asked whose profile it was "clearly laid out on," she said she didn't know. She would have taken it to her grave, knowing that my half-sister and aunties knew the truth and would have to tell me.

There are so many layers to all of this that I'm still unpacking.

Growing up, I'd never felt like I belonged in my dad's home. He openly resented me for my resemblance to my mother, and though she said that he had no suspicions about my paternity, I genuinely believe that he felt it. I spent much of my childhood locked in my bedroom, unable to understand or connect with the people raising me... my dad, his parents... I've written about them a lot. And I was right. I didn't belong there. They weren't my people.

Then there's the fundamental genetic and health stuff. My dad and his mother had this awful, papery skin that split open at the slightest touch. She had breast cancer and died after years of cardiac issues, both of which are hereditary.

Due to what I believed to be the family history, I got my first mammogram early and have been obsessed with sunscreen and moisturizer since I was a teenager. As it turns out, I should have been more concerned about my tendency towards high blood pressure since my father died from an aneurysm, and my half-brother has survived two of them to date.

Layers... so I took the dogs out to the porch and filmed my first TikTok last night. Pirate called it "intense" but has been unbelievably supportive. I'm thinking of a series about all the mother-daughter issues in my life. All the things my mother gave me. All the ways I failed my own daughter. How to use my voice... my actual voice and my actual face to express myself after hiding behind the written word all my life.

Maybe I'm just screaming into a different void there. I've still got my account set so only followers can see my content for now. Olive reached out after seeing it but so far she's the only one of the dozen people I know in real life that follow me there. I might open it up later but first, I have to figure out how to make better videos.

I've been told more than once that I've got quite a story, and it just got more interesting... and interesting is my favorite euphemism.

[fierypearls]

The Journey

[Note for my future self (AND anyone that cares to know) : This journal entry is intended to be a refresher on the major things/milestones/landmarks I went through during my cancer journey…. if ever a look-back is needed and for when, far into the future, it’s not a good idea to bank on my memory alone 😉]

Breast cancer has many sub-types. Not every breast cancer is the same. The timeline and treatment plan vary by sub-type, stage, biological receptors, medical history, and many other factors. Hence, mine will not match with most others’. In this journal entry I plan to chart out the timeline of my medical journey as it relates to my diagnosis of breast cancer, and I will notate my overall treatment plan.

Timeline--

Last week of February 2023 until roughly mid-March 2023: Mammogram, Diagnostic Mammogram, Ultrasound, Biopsy.

March 19th, 2023: Got diagnosed with IDC and DCIS, early-stage ER/PR+, HER2- breast cancer.

Last two weeks of March until end of April 2023: MRI and a slew of doctors appointments with breast surgeons and reconstruction surgeons (multiple opinions), labs and pre-op appointments.

May 5th, 2023: Surgery#1- Mastectomy, Sentinel Node Biopsy and Reconstruction Phase I with expanders.

May 15th, 2023: Received read-out of Surgical Pathology results. The lymph nodes were clear. Pathological stage=1C.

June 5th, 2023: Received Oncotype DX results. High score due to Grade III, high ER and PR score, high Ki-67 pushed up Oncotype score to 30. Verdict- Chemotherapy is needed.

June 20th, 2023: Chemo Port placement surgery.

June 26th, 2023: First chemo.

August 28th, 2023: Last Chemo.

Mid- Sep, 2023: Beginning of Hormone Therapy and Ovarian Suppression for 5 years.

October 16th, 2023: Surgery#2- Reconstruction Phase II removal of expanders and DIEP.

Treatment Plan--

Surgery#1- Mastectomy, Sentinel Node Biopsy and Reconstruction Phase I with expanders.

The first step in my treatment plan was surgery to remove the cancerous tumors. I opted for mastectomy, and not lumpectomy. Mastectomy is a surgery to remove all breast tissue from the breast as a way to treat or prevent breast cancer. There are different types of mastectomies, depending on how much tissue is removed and whether the nipple and areola are preserved.

Some of the reasons why a mastectomy may be done are:

When a woman has breast cancer that cannot be treated with breast-conserving surgery (i.e. lumpectomy, which saves most of the breast.)

If a woman chooses mastectomy over breast-conserving surgery for personal reasons, such as having a strong family history of breast cancer or a genetic mutation that increases the risk of breast cancer.

For medical reasons like for women at very high risk of getting a second breast cancer who sometimes choose to have a double mastectomy (the removal of both breasts).

Risks: Mastectomy is a major surgery that involves general anesthesia, blood loss, infection, pain, scarring, and possible complications with wound healing or reconstruction, and risks of lymphedema (swelling) in the arm. Some women may also experience emotional distress, body image issues, or loss of sensation in the chest area after mastectomy.

Benefits: Mastectomy can remove all or most of the cancerous tissue from the breast, reducing the risk of recurrence or spread of the disease. Mastectomy can also be a preventive measure for women who have a very high risk of developing breast cancer in the future. Some women may prefer mastectomy over other treatments because it offers them more peace of mind or control over their health.

Reason for my choice: I chose bilateral mastectomy (with prophylactic for my right breast) because I was not planning to have any more kids and was done breast feeding and was thankful for the service my breasts provided, because I did not want to go through multiple surgeries in case the margins did not come out clear from doing lumpectomy, because I wanted to do everything in my power to reduce the chances of recurrence (although the % delta recurrence rate between lumpectomy and mastectomy is quite small), and because to me my life, my mental peace and my physical health were much more valuable than worldly-perceptions, aesthetics and body-Image. 

Surgery this big, and in fact the entire breast cancer journey, is not just a physical journey…. it is an emotional, mental and psychological journey.

After surgery, patients need to sleep in an inclined position for 1-2 weeks, approximately until the surgery drains come off. This was the most pathetic part of it all 😊 The pain and swelling were quite bad for me for the first two weeks. Arm movement and range of motion was very limited after the surgery. I did pre and post physical therapy to help with bringing back strength to my core, to reduce risk of lymphedema and to help my body try to return to some semblance of normalcy. I was very dependent on others in the initial days after surgery for the most basic needs like getting on or off the bed, picking up stuff from the floor, showering and having my hair combed, etc. It was mentally very very hard to accept that I am a patient now and need to receive help from others. Anyways, more on that another time 😊 Thankfully my swelling from surgery went down in a few weeks, my two drains (that collect the seroma fluid) came off after the first two weeks, and I was almost able to get back to doing most of my regular chores in six weeks. It did, however, pain every time our car would drive over an uneven surface or bumps! So, we kept car rides to a minimum i.e. mostly to doctor’s offices.

The Sentinel Node Biopsy is done to determine if the cancer had spread to the lymph nodes and if there were possibility of metastasis to other parts of the body through the lymphatic system. Two lymph nodes were removed for testing at the time of surgery. Thankfully mine came back negative.

Reconstruction Phase I with expanders was done to place expanders to hold the cavity created from removing all breast tissues, and to create the pockets to fill in later with fatty tissues at the time of Surgery#2. My expanders were partially filled at the time of surgery and did not require additional fills at the doctor’s office at the time of post-op checkups.

As of 06/21/2023, at the time of writing this journal entry, I have only completed my treatment up until this part. Up next is Chemotherapy, Hormone Therapy and Ovarian Suppression, and Surgery#2. I will do future entries to document how those go but for now, here are some details on what those will entail at a high-level.

Chemotherapy-

I’ll be getting T/C chemo, a strong one. T/C chemotherapy is a combination of two chemotherapy drugs: docetaxel (Taxotere) and cyclophosphamide (Cytoxan). It is an adjuvant chemo used to treat early-stage ER + breast cancer after surgery with Oncotype score of >25. The frequency of T/C chemotherapy depends on the stage of cancer and other factors. It is usually given every 3 weeks for 4 cycles.

The side effects of T/C chemotherapy can vary from person to person. Some common side effects include: fatigue, brain fog/chemo brain, nausea and vomiting, hair loss (scalp, eyebrows, eyelashes, all body hair), loss of appetite, constipation, mouth sores, nose bleeding, menopausal symptoms, nail changes, increased risk of infection/loss of immunity due to severe drop in neutrophil/WBC, neuropathy, diarrhea, skin rash, bone pain.

My doctor has given me medicines to counter some of the side effects like nausea, diarrhea, constipation, mouth sore, and loss of immunity. I was quite surprised when the doctor prescribed Claritin for bone pain. It is taken with Neulasta to reduce bone pain, which is a common side effect of Neulasta. Neulasta is administered after each chemo infusion since it increases/boosts neutrophil levels. But it can also cause inflammation and swelling in the bone marrow, resulting in severe pain. Claritin is an antihistamine that blocks histamine, which induces inflammation and swelling in the bone marrow and results in pain. It is thought that Claritin reduces the amount of inflammation and swelling in the bone marrow, therefore reducing the pain.

Hormone Therapy (& Ovarian Suppression)-

For the Hormone therapy after chemo, I’ll most likely get Tamoxifen, which is the medication given to premenopausal women, that helps block the actions of estrogen. My type of breast cancer requires estrogen to grow. Tamoxifen attaches to the hormone receptors in the cancer cell, blocking estrogen from attaching to the receptors. This slows or stops the growth of the tumor by preventing the cancer cells from getting the hormones they need to grow.

Tamoxifen may cause side effects such as menopause-like symptoms, including hot flashes, night sweats, and vaginal dryness, weight gain, irregular or loss of menstrual periods, leg swelling, nausea, vaginal discharge, skin rash, fatigue, and others.

And in addition to Tamoxifen, I will likely need ovarian suppression. It uses drug therapy to prevent the ovaries from making estrogen. This lowers hormone levels in the body, so the tumor can’t get the estrogen it needs to grow. Ovarian suppression is always given in combination with Tamoxifen or an Aromatase Inhibitor.

Ovarian suppression drugs, such as leuprolide (Lupron) or goserelin (Zoladex), can stop the ovaries from making estrogen.

Surgery#2-

The reconstruction surgery is slated to happen in mid-October, when I take a small pause on the Hormone Therapy. It is the phase II procedure to remove the expanders and fill in the chest pockets with fatty tissue, thus creating the breast mounds. I would be so so happy the day the expanders come off! They feel like metal amour across the chest. I opted for DIEP procedure using my own fatty tissues and chose not to go with implants. Implants have a lifespan, need to be exchanged after approximately 10-15 years, need fat grafting for a smoother natural look, and have the chances of rapturing. I wanted to avoid all the upkeep, maintenance and risks that come with implants and foreign objects in the body.

So that’s my medical journey. Again, not everyone goes through all these treatments or same chemo drugs. The medical team works closely with each patient to tailor their treatment plan. It IS a long fight, but it is one that I intend to fight with all my might and positive attitude, and I believe in my heart that with the love, positive vibes, and prayers of all my friends, family and supporters I will surely win this fight.

[crispycolorsalad]

Everyday Products With Hidden Toxins

Toxic Chemicals Lurking In Your Home

The majority of us do not consider the food we consume as toxin, but some of the components commonly discovered in processed foods can be thought about hazardous. By "hazardous," I mean chemicals or extremely processed components that aren't helpful for you or can trigger damage to your health.

Any food that has been canned, dehydrated, or had chemicals added to it is a processed food, and these foods make up about 60 percent of the typical American diet plan. They have actually taken control of, and we need to battle BACK. Know which toxic food active ingredients to avoid: When a regular fat like corn, soybean, or palm oil is blasted with hydrogen and became a solid, it ends up being a trans fat.

The amount of refined sugar we take in has decreased over the past 40 years, however we're consuming practically 20 times as much HFCS. According to scientists at Tufts University, Americans take in more calories from HFCS than any other source. It remains in almost whatever. It increases triglycerides, enhances fat-storing hormonal agents, and drives people to overeat and acquire weight.

These allegedly diet-friendly sweeteners might actually be doing more damage than excellent! Studies suggest that artificial sweeteners trick the brain into forgetting that sweet taste suggests extra calories, making people more most likely to keep consuming sweet treats without desert. Nip it in the bud. Scan ingredient labels and ban all artificial sweeteners from entering your mouth.

Chemicals In Personal Care Products You Should Avoid

The jury is still out on how harmful MSG might be, but high levels of complimentary glutamates have actually been revealed to seriously screw with brain chemistry. Don't fall prey to chemical flavor enhancing. Just play it safe and taste your food naturally.

In the United States, the average individual is exposed to more than a hundred chemicals from cosmetics, soaps, and other personal care products prior to leaving the house in the morning. While people might assume these items are safe, their chemical ingredients are mostly untried and mostly uncontrolled, with even understood carcinogenic and endocrine interrupting chemicals still discovered in some formulations.

Numerous chemicals in individual care products have actually never been evaluated for security, and might also accumulate and communicate in potentially harmful methods. Under a law that has actually not been upgraded because 1938, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has little power to control the components in personal care products.

Business are permitted to label their items natural, natural, or hospital-approved based upon their own interpretation of the terms, Davis said. They can also conceal bothersome active ingredients in exclusive formulations by listing them as "fragrance" on a label. This landscape is tough to browse even for somebody as well-educated on the issues as Davis, who described the challenges she experienced as a safety-conscious consumer pregnant with her first child.

Toxic Chemicals You Come Into Contact With Daily

Davis mentioned that more secure items prevail under Europe's more stringent regulative environment, which some companies use much safer variations of the very same items there than they do in the United States. Some American business are, however, gradually changing their practices due to customer pressure, Davis stated. Makers Procter & Gamble and Johnson & Johnson, and retail giants Target and Walmart recently have actually revealed initiatives to address using hazardous chemicals in appeal items.

"Doing this one chemical at a time is not going to work. If we stop at getting rid of parabens in cream and BPA in baby bottles, we are not making strides for public health," she stated. "We are not going to understand if it was the parabens in cream that triggered my mother-in-law's breast cancer at 40 without any family history," Davis said.

Potentially harmful chemicals can be discovered in every room in your house. Let's take a tour of the rooms of your house and discover what some of these chemicals are and what health hurts they may trigger.

Unless ingested in big quantities, water-soluble latex paints are not highly hazardous. Some latex paints discharge formaldehyde when drying. High levels of formaldehyde can offer you a headache and aggravate your eyes, nose and throat. Oil-based paint contains organic solvents that can be irritating to eyes and skin, and can trigger breaking of skin.

Cleaning Supplies And Household Chemicals

Chlorine bleach liquid and vapors can aggravate the skin, eyes, nose and throat. Dermatitis might arise from direct skin contact. Consumption can trigger esophageal injury, stomach irritation and extended queasiness and throwing up.

[celticcrossanon]

BRF Reading - 30th of August, 2022

This is speculation only

Cards drawn on the 30th of August, 2022

Question: How is Her Majesty's health?

Interpretation: Not the best. She has to make changes to accommodate a long term health condition.

Card One: Ace of Swords. Aces are beginnings, swords are medical issues and/or surgery. This card could indicate some sort of surgery in Her Majesty's future (or past). Alternatively, it could indicate the start of more serious health problems. It indicates a need for mental clarity and clear communication, to clearly understand what is wrong so you can plan and strategise to make the best of your remaining health. It can also be the start of having to think differently about your health, accepting that some things or more things are now beyond you and/or that now it is important to follow certain routines, and planning your life accordingly.

Card Two: The Page of Pentacles. Pages are messages, and this card tells me that Her Majesty has been given a message about her health. This is also my card for Great Britain, so the message is something that will affect Great Britain, even if they don't know about it.

Pentacles are the suit of material things - wealth, status etc - but your body is the material representation of you in life, so this message was about the body of Her Majesty, i.e. her physical health (not her mental or emotional health). Pages can be the beginnings of something, so either the physical health condition in the message has just started (relatively speaking), or there has been a change that has just started, and/ or Her Majesty is going to have to make some changes to physically adapt to her body's condition.

Pentacles are the slowest moving suit of the tarot (Wands are days, Swords are weeks, Cups are months and Pentacles are years), so whatever this condition is that caused the message about Her Majesty's health, it is a slow moving condition. This is something that Her Majesty is likely to have for years, not something that she can recover from in a few weeks.

Card Three: The Chariot. This is the card of the sign Cancer, which is also a disease. Her Majesty could be suffering from some sort of Cancer. Cancer as a zodiac sign rules the breasts. the stomach, the gall bladder, and the chest (the lungs are Gemini, the back and spine are Leo). If Her Majesty has cancer, it may have started in one of those areas or have progressed into one of those areas.

If not literally the disease Cancer, the Chariot as a health card says that there is a long road ahead of Her Majesty that will require inner strength and willpower. It also says that Her Majesty's base health is strong; she has not started this journey greatly weakened by any other health issues. Usually I would read this as a long recovery period, but in this reading it is giving me the same energy as the Page of Pentacles - some health issue that is long term and that will be about for years. There is no quick solution to this health issue; it will be a chronic condition for years and/or a long, slow decline of health.

Card Four: The Hierophant. This is the card of institutions, and also of the BRF. This could indicate that Her Majesty may need hospital treatment for her health (as hospitals are institutions), but the main energy I am getting from this card is that of family. Her Majesty's health will of course impact the BRF, but I am wondering if her health condition is something that has happened to other family members, and/or it is something that her family has a history of having (for example, heart problems run in some families, arthritis in others, breast cancer in others and so on). I don't think Her Majesty smokes, so the smoking related deaths in her family may not be that relevant, but I am wondering if there is something else there that could be affecting her. Maybe something genetic? Or maybe just something that comes up over and over again in the medical history of her family.

Card Five: The High Priestess. The energy from this card is one of keeping secrets. Coming after the Hierophant card, it tells me that the BRF is keeping Her Majesty's health condition/s secret. This is understandable, as she deserves her privacy in these matters.

The High Priestess is usually the card of the Moon, the ruler of Cancer (the Chariot card). For me it is the card of Pisces, another zodiac water sign. Pisces as a sign can be very slippery, sometimes preferring to escape into illusions rather than and its ruler Neptune is the planet of illusions, so both of those meanings support the interpretation that the BRF is keeping secrets about Her Majesty's health - creating an illusion that all is well when the actual matter might be quite serious.

The figure on the card is Persephone, the Queen of the Underworld, and she is blocking the path from the underworld (the world of death) to the surface (the world of life). I can see the death imagery but it is not coming across as immediate. Hints for the future, perhaps (as is to be expected at Her Majesty's age). The main energy from this card is secrecy, not death.

Underlying Energy: The King of Cups. This is a water sign person, particularly a Scorpio, and in this reading it stands for Prince Charles, who is a sun sign Scorpio. I have asked this question twice, and in the other spread the underlying energy was the Emperor, which also indicates Prince Charles - the Emperor is Charles in his role as head of family/future King, and the King of Cups is Prince Charles as a person (and not the future King etc). It is interesting that he turned up as the underlying energy in both readings, in both his roles (personal and royal). I'm not quite sure why Prince Charles is appearing here. Worry and concern about his mother, naturally, but I can't see why this is the underlying energy of a health reading.

Moving away from Prince Charles, the King of Cups as a health card is about emotions. It says that you are emotionally positive about your health - you have accepted your condition and are looking on the bright side of things, instead of fretting about it. It is a card of emotional maturity and stability. This tells me that Her Majesty has reached a place of peace about her health. The worry and upset is behind her, she has accepted her condition and she is prepared emotionally for what is to come with her health.

Dominant Suit: Major Arcana. Half of the cards are major arcana cards, indicating that this is an important issue. The major arcana cards are the Chariot, the Hierophant, and the High Priestess, so cancer and/or a long road ahead, the BRF and some sort of family condition, and keeping it a secret. The Chariot and the High Priestess both have Moon/Water imagery associated with them. The Moon is the female or the mother, Water is emotions - I am not sure what that means, but it is there in the cards.

Conclusion: Her Majesty has a long term health condition that is being kept secret by the BRF. This condition has changed recently, so Her Majesty has had to adjust her lifestyle to accommodate the changes. There may be some surgery involved, either in the past or in the near future. If so, it will be kept secret. This health condition is long term, not short term, and if it does not respond to treatment it will be a long, slow decline. If it does respond to treatment then it will be a long road to full recovery. The health condition may be something that runs in the family of Her Majesty. The health condition could be cancer, especially breast cancer or cancer in the area of the chest, or it could be something else. Whatever it is, Her Majesty has made her peace with it. She is not emotional over her condition; she has moved through that and is looking at the bright side of her health condition.

[naritaren]

This is going to be long-ish, but it's interesting. Last year I had cancer. Initially the pathology reports said it was fine, but the secondary reports said otherwise. It was mostly contained and the surgery got rid of it. BUT! Because I have a ton of family history of cancer and I was only 32/33 when I dealt with it last year (it was removed two weeks before my birthday), they wanted me to do genetic testing and counseling. I met with the counselor today and based on my mother's test results, my own family history, and what the bloodwork might say, I may need another surgery for preventative measures.

My mother has had breast cancer three times and apparently most gynecological cancers are super linked to breast cancer. Since my family history has both, there is a very high chance I will be very high risk for breast cancer. So the prevention surgery? TITTIES GETTING FUCKING YEETED. I legit might get top surgery for *cancer prevention*. The gender euphoria is just a fucking bonus. Plus, my insurance company will likely approve it without issues because it's cheaper than treating cancer lmao So, I might have top surgery at some point all because my uterus tried to kill me and my moms body has been trying to kill her. Silver linings I guess?

[killhimjustkillhim]

AITA for being hostile and rude to my sister's boyfriend over a joke he told my wife?

My sister (26) brought her new boyfriend (30) over to our parents house to meet him for the first time, My wife and I came as well.

We met the dude, he seemed ok-ish at first but he then started asking weird and personal questions. My wife had a breast cancer and got a single mastectomy last year. She told the story to my sister's boyfriend and he was like "oh" then he stared at my wife briefly then "playfully" said "without even asking, I can pretty much tell which one got the blow". We were floored, My wife could barely keep a straight face. she lied so she could leave the table cause she was literally about to tear up. I just looked at the dude and said "Are you serious?" he said "What??!! I was just joking bro" I started asking him to explain the joke to me, He just stared. I asked him again to explain it to me in details but still got no answer. My sister asked me to stop because clearly he got uncomfortable, but I insisted he explain the joke to me cause clearly....my wife and I didn't get it. Things got awkward with him avoiding eye contact while I just stared at him the entire time. I still insisted and asked him to explain the joke right there and then, but seconds later he said he needed to step outside to make a phone call. turns out he got in his car and left. My sister had a meltdown screaming and berating me for how I treated her boyfriend. Calling me hostle with anger issues to scare her boyfriend out of our parents house. I told her he was overstepping and made my wife uncomfortable to the point of crying, She actually called me wife "such a princess" and said she is soft and can not take some teasing. I had an argument with her and my parents intervened, I took my wife and left.

My dad called me later and said that he understood how hurt my wife felt but my sister's boyfriend was visiting for the first time and I showed hostility and agression instead of just ignoring him. He encouraged me to reach out to him and my sister later and talk it out but I declined.

AITA? Edit: My sister and my wife don't have a history but my sister tends to "see" the worst in people. When my wife announced her diagnosis, my sister actually thought she was "faking" because the family no longer brought up my wife's miscarriage months prior, I thought that was out of line and she apologized for it and we moved on. My sister thinks that the only "bad trait" she sees in her boyfriend is his smoking habit, she says thatvotherwise, he's "perfect". smfh.

[prorevenge]

Coworker tried to get me fired over breast implants, so I pulled a reverse uno card.

4 years ago now, when I was 24, my mum died of breast cancer, and as both my grandmothers had also died of it I saw a specialist for a screening. I found out I had some cells in one of my breasts that could have turned cancerous at any given moment.

I was told I had a few options:

I could have regular screenings every 3 or 4 months until it does develop into cancer (I was told the risk of the cells becoming cancerous was very high due to family history) but it could also potentially never could turn so I'd just be getting these screenings for no reason

I could get a single mastectomy on the breast with the bad cells, but they'd need to keep an eye on the other one, so I'd still need regular checkups for the other breast

I could get a bilateral mastectomy and remove all of my breast tissue, basically eliminating the risk.

I went for the bilateral mastectomy. It was admittedly the most drastic option but after seeing what cancer did to my mum and grandmothers I didn't want to risk it.

I was warned about scarring but told it should be fairly minor. It wasn't and I was left with 2 huge, pink, jagged scars on either side of my chest, each about an inch long and half an inch wide, and it caused me to go into a severe depression, where it got to the stage of me not even leaving my flat because I didn't want people to see me, throwing out my mirrors, and getting physically sick looking at myself.

I went to a therapist, who suggested a plastic surgeon. The therapist said they'd never normally do that but it was clearly something I was struggling with and I might never get over it, and the therapist could see why I struggle with it. Although I'll admit the therapist did send me to ask about scar reduction. The plastic surgeon suggested a cream, a laser or implants. The cream didn't work, and the laser was both expensive and risky, so I went with the implants. My natural boobs were an F cup so I went with a slightly smaller DD. Since then my mental health has improved and I feel a lot better about the way I look. My confidence has gone up, as has my self esteem. I know I shouldn't put so much into my appearance but I wasn't exaggerating about these scars. Huge, bright pink, jagged, raised, just really awful to look at and I hated seeing myself, and they are now nicely hidden away and you can barely feel them.

​

In the present day, I'm 28 years old and working in an office. I'm doing a lot better than I was. My coworker, Jill, found out I'd had a boob job (but not about the cancer thing), when myself and my friend from years before the mastectomy were planning a holiday and she made a joke about me going on a plane with my implants, and Jill overheard. By the end of the day, the entire office knew I'd had a boob job, but not why, and half a dozen people confirmed Jill had told them.

Over the next few months Jill made many "jokes" and comments about my chest to coworkers when I was in earshot, at one point saying I had "more plastic than Barbie" and calling me "fake in two ways". I didn't hear this one myself but a friend in the office told me that Jill had at one point referred to me as a "sack of silicone".

IDK what her problem was exactly but at one point she mentioned the NHS so I assume Jill thought that I'd got my tits done for free on taxpayer money (I'd gotten the mastectomy on NHS but gone private for therapy and implants).

I asked her to stop more than once, but unfortunately the places I'd talked to her were places like the lift and the women's bathroom, where there weren't any cameras, and Jill just kept making comments no matter how often I asked her not to. I wouldn't say it was every single day, but I heard at least 3 comments per week for 3 months.

I hit my breaking point when me, Jill and a few other coworkers were having lunch, I referred to something as being shallow and Jill said "you'd know all about being shallow" while gesturing to my chest. I snapped.

I said "do you know why I have these? A few years ago the doctors found potentially cancerous cells in my breast tissue, I was advised to get a mastectomy and was left with huge ugly scars on my chest. I went to see a therapist who sent me to a cosmetic surgeon, who advised me to get implants to hide the scars, and I did just so I could look at myself in the mirror without crying. So maybe next time you want to judge someone for having cosmetic surgery, you should ask them why they had it first". And feeling like that was a mic drop moment I picked up my food and left.

For the rest of the day I had about 1/3 of my office come up to me and offer support, and the rest tell me that Jill was just joking around and I was being a bitch. I replied that Jill was being a bitch long before I was.

I then got an email from HR saying they wanted to talk to me the following day, and when I called for clarification they mentioned a "hostile work environment" (note: this is apparently an American term and holds little weight in England but it's what was said over the phone). I knew the person who signed off the email and I'd spoken to. Her name was Debbie, and she was Jill's friend in HR so I was fairly confident on who had reported me.

​

I realised that if this was already being sent to HR, I needed as much ammunition as possible, so I went about collecting my information.

As Debbie had dealt with me so far, it was safe to assume she would be the person reviewing the complaint with me, and if that was true I was fucked. However, I vaguely remembered a section on complaints that was in my contract when I first signed with the company. I flicked through the contract and there was a part in complaints section that said I was contractually allowed to request a change of reviewer if I felt my allocated reviewer was biased. It was called an "impartial overseer". I photocopied the page and highlighted that part.

Then I messaged the people who had offered their support over facebook, and said basically "HR have asked to see me. Do any of you remember Jill insulting me to your face and are you willing to write and sign something saying what you heard and when?". Not everyone was willing to help as Jill is somewhat feared in the office due to her befriending HR and management but about 20 people were willing to help me.

I guessed roughly when I'd asked Jill to stop previously (the 4 asks over the last few months, some timings were easy to guess as they'd happened on my break or when I'd first arrived at work) and I wrote them all down, along with a rough time of when the lunchroom confrontation happened and a list of names of who was there for the lunchroom confrontation.

​

I got to work slightly early the next morning. I went round everyone who had messaged me and most of them managed to give me a printed and signed letter (some didn't manage to write one but nbd). This isn't exact words as there's 16 letters to sum up here but the gist was:

"My name is [their name]. I work with Jill Lastname and OP. On [date] at [time] (approx), I spoke with Jill Lastname, during which she referred to OP as [quoted insult]. I felt this was inappropriate as it directly related to OP's appearance and am willing to go on record further to establish that Jill Lastname has been discussing OP in the workplace in the same manner for 3 months now, causing me discomfort and creating what I feel is a hostile work environment. Signed [their name]"

I wound up with about 16 letters, all from different people, and one of them was in the lunchroom for my conversation with Jill. Some even had bulletpointed lists of everything Jill had said to them about me or other people, as it turns out Jill has issues with a lot of people's appearances. She apparently made comments about one coworker's weight, and something antisemitic about a different coworker's nose, all of which were put in these letters. There are about 45 people in the office so while 16 wasn't a majority, it's still a decent amount. The letters weren't hugely long, most were only a paragraph, but they had all the necessary information.

​

I was asked to come to HR at 10am. I took the letters from coworkers, the photocopy of the page in my contract, and my dates and times in a little folder with me.

I got there and Debbie was the one overseeing the interview. She got up from her desk, ready to lead me into another room.

I immediately turned to the other HR worker that was currently there and said "so is my meeting with you, then?"

Debbie said "no, you're with me."

I replied that this wouldn't sit well with me, as "my contract states I have a right to an impartial overseer" and as I said this I took the contract page out of my folder. Debbie read it (I wouldn't let her take the paper when there was a shredder so close by) and said she could be impartial. I replied that I really didn't mean to be a pain, but I had it on good authority that the person on the other end of this complaint is her friend, and my contract does say I'm allowed an impartial overseer.

Debbie stomped off to get Supervisor. Supervisor asks how I know she can't be impartial and I tell him that I have it on good authority that the Jill, who was on the other end of this complaint, is a close friend of Debbie. He asked Debbie if this was true, to which she only replied "I can be impartial".

Supervisor took a deep breath, asked the other HR rep to come with him, and the four of us all went to review the complaint. I thanked them for being so accommodating (I was worried I'd annoyed them), Debbie took out the complaint and all 3 of them went through it with me. Debbie looked homicidal the whole time the interview was happening, as she had clearly anticipated firing me (or at least recommending me being fired).

​

The interview went something like this. It took like over half an hour and they kept asking me the same questions but phrased different ways so this is a really drastically condensed version.

Q: You said outside that you think Jill Lastname reported you. Why is this?

A: Jill has had an issue with me for about 3 months now

Q: Why didn't you come to us when you realised Jill had an issue?

A: I had no issue with her

Q: What issue does Jill have with you?

A: Four years ago a specialist identified potentially cancerous cells in my breast tissue. I had surgery to remove my breast tissue, thereby removing the cells and the risk. After the surgery I was left with large scars on my chest. I went to a therapist for low self esteem and depression. The therapist suggested a plastic surgeon who suggested breast implants to cover my scars. All of this is in my medical history which you have a copy of in my file and my full permission to review. Jill found out about my breast implants but didn't know about the cancer. Jill had a problem with my breast implants, and decided to communicate this problem to our coworkers.

Q: Why do you feel this is true?

A: Here's 16 signed statements all from different coworkers, all testifying that Jill told the entire office I'd had breast implants on the day she found out and has since made comments about these implants frequently. They have quotes of what Jill said to them about it and rough dates and times.

Q: Rough dates and times?

A: No one knew this would be escalated to such an extent so no one really took notes as and when it happened.

Q: What event or events do you think directly led to this complaint of harassment?

A: For me harassment began when Jill told everyone about my breast implants without my consent, but as to the complaint placed against me, it would probably be what happened at about [time] yesterday in the lunch room. Jill made a comment about me being shallow while gesturing to my breasts and I replied by giving her an abridged version of my relevant medical history and ending with a comment about the importance of getting the full story. There are cameras in the lunch room, so I'm sure you'll be able to find that conversation. I'll admit I could have handled the situation better, but after 3 months I felt I had to put my foot down. Here's a list of names of people who were also present. There were 6 people at the table, including myself and Jill. One of these people is also in those letters, and has written their account of the conversation and signed it.

Q: Had you had a conversation with Jill prior to this regarding her comments about you?

A: Several, spaced out over the last 3 months. Each time I communicated to her that I felt uncomfortable and upset with these comments she was making and would appreciate it if she were to stop.

Q: To your knowledge, was Jill made aware of your former cancer at any point in this time?

A: No. It wasn't mentioned in the conversation with my friend she overheard and I didn't tell her because frankly it's none of her business and I did not feel the need to detail my medical history to a coworker in order to avoid further sexual harassment.

Supervisor stands up and says "well I think we're done here". He shakes my hand and sends me back to my desk saying that I'd hear from them after they reviewed the evidence (letters, CCTV, medical history and anything they had already) and made a decision on the case.

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I got back to my desk, pulled up my CV, and prepared to start the job search again.

About an hour goes by, then the person who wrote the letter and was there for the lunchroom conversation gets called for a meeting with HR. They come back 10ish minutes later.

The other people who were also there for the lunchroom conversation get called one by one, except Jill. All of them are gone for about 10 minutes then come back, find a coworker, and say that HR wants to see them.

Then the people who wrote letters but weren't there yesterday are also called one by one and are each gone for about 10 minutes each, some longer, some shorter. By about 3:30 it looks like everyone who wrote a letter or was there in the lunch room has been interviewed.

Then, finally, Jill gets called in. She's gone for about 30 minutes and comes back fuming. She glares at me while I work, but I ignore her.

4:30ish, Jill gets called into HR again. 5 pm rolls around, everyone is either leaving or getting ready to leave, when Jill storms back into the office. She glares at me the whole time she packs up her desk. She then starts telling anyone who will listen that I got her fired before shoving her way onto the lift.

An email comes in from HR. My case is closed.

(source) story by (/u/3240278189)