#I have Christmas feels today finally
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Merry Christmas, fiercest lion in the North <3 Holidays in London are not so bad :P
#robb stark#jaime lannister#robb x jaime#jaime x robb#modern au#I have Christmas feels today finally#holidays in London were always the best#but also in Edinburgh#<3#got edit
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#selfie bee#me telling a coworker who I have been working with for 4 months and whose name I do not know about my toenails#i'm sorry Tobias (?? Paul ??) it was the only topic I could come up with after I already told you about the big bird I saw in 8th grade#FRIENDS how are you!! :) how has the new year been so far!!#did you have a lot of snow on christmas!#we did and it was really fun! I had a very bad cold so I just watched the snow from inside but that was good too c:#do you have any plans for the new year?#i always have lot and most of the time I do not do any of them but planning is fun#this year I REALLY want to watch all of Star Trek ヽ(´∇`)ノ#I would also love to learn how to make a handstand#imagine if you could just make yourself upside down#but it is a far away dream because honestly I am not very good at being usual side up most of the time either#but I will try probably at least 2 times to learn it ( ᐛ )#maybe I'll finally finish that website!#new years are good and fun#it's wild to think about how much daily life has changed since last year but I feel just the same :)#who knows what this year will bring!#I hope I don't hit a pheasant with my car#I almost hit a pheasant with my car last year and the pheasant made direct eye contact#I wonder how he is doing today#since that moment I think about pheasants a lot#I knew they were real but I had never seen one#just to know they are out there is a mystical feeling#right know it is raining so all the pheasants might be wet#get dry soon pheasants!!#I don't think I've ever seen a wet bird either#I don't know what do do with all these birds thoughts#also thank you for the person who asked about my skirt!! ( ˊᵕˋ )♡.°⑅#I've finished it and its really really bad#but I love it
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hehe. almost christmas!
#ace attorney tag#narumitsu#partial nudity /#2nd and 3rd things inspired by playing the first game and Uhh... why is phoenix accusing men of being lovers and being certain of it#and just generally containing the core of bisexuality within him#also there's that part i recall in maybe the..3rd game? where he's like Wow.. I'd Fall For Him Too... about that cinnamon swirl looking man#learnt lately that the writers upon learning that ace attorney was very popular with BL people immediately started reading BL#to understand the genre. i think phoenix would also do such Research in college. to Learn About People. About The World.#so now he feels that he has gaydar and is a good Ally etc. But actually maybe...you're also just bi too !#too bad you'll have to get kissed by a criminal to work that out! Hang in there <3#i reread my fic today !! I'm in the christmas mood now ! Sort of ! ooooh the 7 year gap.. at least we are in the 7 year gap years irl#Somewhere out there they ARE drinking wine romantically gazing at snow on a balcony in germany. thank GOD for that fr#so i shall be drawing things from THAT era next i need to depict men finally kissing NOW !!!!!!#can't do it with orufrey..can't draw cute happy romantic wintry art of them..didn't finish processing my current divorcecore arc era cycle
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i think i wouldn’t hate disco elysium’s collage mode nearly as much if it weren’t for 1) the way that it was marketed in such a tasteless, soulless manner, let alone the fact that it was a last ditch distraction from a dead on its feet studio piloted by dumbass thieving execs and released on the day of the court declaration, and 2) those dumbass fucking stickers
like if it had been included with the base game from the start and had been titled something a bit more tasteful and in-line with how i would have liked the feature to be marketed as— something like “exploration mode”, something that perhaps could only be unlocked after completing the game for the first time, AND didn’t have those stupid as hell visually and tonally incongruent with the artstyle stickers, i would have applauded it as a nice little bonus for being able to study and appreciate the 3d models and environments for reference.
#it is just so bleak man.#i have no words left to say for the latest development at zaum studios so instead i will just remember how fucked up this was lol#those stickers are the same energy as that dumbass fucking christmas card they put on steam.#cutesy fanart is awesome and all but don’t muddy the tone of the actual source with it. why is that necessary.#for gods sake what happened to boundaries#again i probably would take a different tone to even the stickers if#it had been done under the original creators (which i don’t think it would have‚ which is my point‚ but say hypothetically it happened)#but with the circumstances the way they are it is impossible to not view it all as tainted with a veneer of absolute tastelessness#and a disrespect to the source material and a sorry attempt to appeal to the shallowest parts of ‘fandom’#like you can add cartoony emoji faces and a sticker with harry and kim as cats. or their hands with the caption ‘best friends!!!’ (wtf lol)#and a frame with a bunch of pride flags being waved around (hard to articulate why i feel doubly annoyed of this one.#your corporate pride parade aesthetic is showing again. also it feels… lazy)#but you can never‚ ever erase the fact that you are parading around a stolen IP that you are entirely out of touch with#and one that you clearly have *no idea what to do with*#(something that we’ve all known for months with these hints but today has finally been basically confirmed as the sequel seems to be#officially cancelled with the last of the original writers’ crew being laid off)#how could you have known what to do with Elysium? how could you ever have?#hope you have fun with your stickers. rot#disco elysium#me talking
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Some (late) holiday photos of the boye~!
#cats#holiday#OUGHH....... barely could even get these edited and posted... my mysterious sickness flare up has been sooo bad the past few#days.. I didn't even go to the usual obligatory family christmas I was supposed to attend (!!! health issue/medical mention in tags below)#My stomach issues basically put me in a constant state of uncontrollable shivering/body shaking + nausea + sometimes rapid heart#rate. and when it happens at night that makes it like.. nearly impossible to sleep when you're violently shaking + you can feel your heart#so strong + you keep having to run to the bathroom every 5 minute to cough and gag#and throw up and so on and so forth. etc. So I went like 40 hours without any sleep almost for christmas eve and all of christmas day#last night I finally got maybe 2 hours of sleep in between the nausea and shaking and stuff. and then today I was able to get a few#hours of sleep in the afternoon. Today I tried taking an anxiety mediciation a doctor gave me in case it was anxiety related (it's apparent#ly used to relax people and works in the moment. rather than like Anxiety Mediciation that you have to take for weeks to see any effect#because I think this isn't actually acting on your brain chemistry it's judt like..a mild sedative or something.) but all that did was make#me dizzy and sweaty lol. I;m glad I slept a little but I'm just still frustrated that I don't feel normal. I started having these#'episodes' (with the stomach issues + shaking + heartrate + nausea etc.) like at the end of october. And usually it will happen for like a#few hours at a time. or i'll lose sleep one day and then be fine the next. but this has been like nearly 3 days of feeling weird. so is#getting kind of annoying... It's funny too because I was so so productive like.. literally the few days before. I was feeling much better#and I was working on my game and blah blah. But then.. random issue flare up out of nowhere of course.. yaayy.... happy holidays to meee lo#I did at least see two random ducks outside of my window in the yard area for christmas. and havent seen them since. So it's like.. hrmm..#pacing around my room nauseous and shakings and etc. but at least... hello.. two little ducks placed there just for me :3c#Now I get anxiety every night which I'm sure doesn't help/could exacerbate whatever underlying genuinely physical issues exist. But after#like 2 nights of 'I spend the night sleepless and incredibly uncomfortable just sitting in the dark sick' then bedtime is like.. dread...#I even was trying slapping myself in the face in desperation to see if somehow that could shock my body out of whatever the hell it was#doing lol.. up at 3am holding ice cubes in my hand and hitting myself in the head and crying from exhaustion and thowing up.. literally#ridiculous cartoon character feeling... AAANYWAY!!! At least I have baby boy pictures. and I have lots of doctors appointments so hopefully#whatever the issue is can be sorted out at some point. I don't know much about ibs but hopefully maybe something like that that I could pos#ibly take medication for and not something more seirous or anything. Maybe there's a food I'm secretly intolerant to or whatever.#And I did at least post a sims holday video actually timed for the holidays so that's something. I havent been productive really latrely#though obviously.. I can't even play games or small tasks when in that state since I'm just SO physically uncomfortable. Nausea and heart#stuff are THE hardest physical sensations to ignore.. BUT yeah... hoping I shall sleep at all tonight. hopeing to get like 3 productive#things done.. at some point... at least SOMETHING... lol..... *** *** ***
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when freedom is in sight!!!!!!!!
#(aka it’s my last day of work!!!!!!!!! i can see the light at the end of the tunnel!!!!!)#it’s like 2.30 in the am rn and i have to get up in less than 4 hours but. still!!!!!#im too happy to sleep lmao i feel like a kid on christmas eve again#this weirdass company culture says that we (the leavers) have to treat everyone to pizza or sth#isn’t it usually the other way round though? shouldn’t they be treating the leavers as a show of gratitude for their hard work?#but eh. the place is filled with cheapskates who only think about working us to the bone for the sake of their profits (i think)#so ✨s o r r y✨ dear managers no treats for you~~~~~ im giving ind*m*e (censored for copyright) to my immediate colleagues only~~~~~~#you can always feel free to treat me though~~~~~ :)))) my wallet is always open for donations dear managers o’ mine~~~#(this manager who expects me to treat everyone also outright refused when i asked her to treat me to beef wellington though :( sads :( )#(i worked sooooooooooo hard for you over the past couple o’ years and i dont even get free beef wellington~~~? :( )#but euuuugghhhhhhhhh since the team lead’s on leave today ig i’ll be the one in charge for the morning shift today too…#but it’s my last day~~~~ i wanna relaxxxxxxxxxx (<-same person who took a short nap on the clock earlier)#anyways!!!!!! i’ll finally have time for idol sengen after this aw yissssssssss wait for me asuna-chan im almost freeeeeeee#though. speaking of idol sengen… im still waffling about whether to have asuna drop swear words during the [spoiler] scene…#i mean. it’d make sense in terms of context/how abrasive she was being but. she’s an idol!!!!!!! choices man..#well. i guess that it’s retirement-me’s problem to think about lol. i need to get through just 1 day of work first!!!!!!#‘it’s starting to sound like you quit your job to tl idol sengen—’ n-noooooooo~~~? totally not i s w e a r!!!!
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had a little lie in after so long :)
#yday i finally submitted my last essay !!! n i got myself a lil advent calendar even tho i don't celebrate christmas i just like chocolate#n then i spent the evening all cosy at home just relaxing n journalling#have some bits to do today n i'll go see my grandma too probably#this week has been rly nice tho i needed a bit of a break + i'm feeling more myself again :)#diary#tiyas thoughts
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Lol I keep on doing this, saying I'd come back to tumblr to only disappear again 😂😭
#and i hate it bc i miss being on here#but also i don't have to force myself or feel guilty for it#bc if i'm fr being on social media is just so time consuming and also not what is good for my mental health often#and that includes tumblr#it's not even that it's a toxic place (at least not the content i'm consuming) but sometimes i just rather spend my time with people irl#meeting someone than on social media and like focus on my life#the last month or so was just really difficult for me and i haven't been feeling so bad mentally in forever#i mean it always is like that that time of the year but i feel like i was worse this year#whenever autumn comes around with the darkness and cold i seem to hit a low mentally#when i tell you how much better my mood is in summer spring how much better i feel everyday regardless of everything else#i get people like autumn but for me its literally the worst and winter too altough at some point it gets better#maybe i adapt and maybe because i spend more time outside around christmas when i go home that's usually a turning point#and ig also the lights of december make it a bit better#but mid october to november is awful#this year the weather was much worse beginning of october was much worse#i feel like i lowkey have this seasonal mood disorder idk#but i barely managed to go to classes and i had no motivation#usually i always make myself study and do the things i have to atleast altough i often terribly procrastinate#but now i was barely able to do this and i had things to do but i couldn't make myself i missed a deadline closely#luckily my professors are the best but i felt so horrible for it how i was unable to get it done#sunlight is just so good for my mood and ik how doctors say how you should avoid it because you can get skincancer#but like i'd rather than my mental health being this bad (not that i want either)#i already miss summer so much and being happier#but tbh i haven't felt this good as I do today in weeks and even this whole week was better#i exercised more than usual altough i tried to in the last weeks i couldn't as often as i normally do so maybe this actually helps a lot#and i studied yesterday today and i will tomorrow i finally feel motivation again#besides i also tried to break up with my bf so that was also tough but i couldn't lol#i tried talking to him and tell him in the nicest way but he didn't get what i was trying to do and i couldn't say more bc i felt horrible#but maybe that's for the better altough i had these thoughts for a while that he just isn't the one for me and that we're too different...#i do really like him as a person the way he treats me and i'm still into him but i just felt like it wouldn't work
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I think my glee obsession is returning in full force
#this is a nice feeling#i didnt have gleecast anywhere on my Spotify wrapped last year for the first time in... years!!!#but here i am listening to all the songs on repeat most of today#and reading glee fic#and looking at my currently abandoned fics#and having Thoughts™️ and headcanons and just...#special interest obsession shit#its calming and happy and sksgxkdk#also my reading brain is back which is SUCH a relief!#its been like 3 months of only being able to read a book in audiobook form#like my sister write this whol prophecy for our dnd campaign and i could not for the life of me understand it not matter how hard i tried#but last session i finally clicked#and im READING A PHYSICAL BOOK TOOOOOOOO#i just feel more settled because of it its nice#i think i really didnt like the weird weather the uk was having- it being HOT AS BALLS and then freezing like the next week#and then christmas and stress over bemefits happened#but now yhats mostly set... i think.. ish... its still confusing and scary#but ay least i have words i can read to escape it#katy liveblogs life#i am using tumblr like a diary rn ignore me 😂
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💔
#waaahhh feeling BAD again.....#like few months ago my friend asked if i had new years free and i ASSUMED that meant we were like planning smth together?????#and today she mentions in a GROUP CHAT that shes spendingnnew years with her bf#and like. ok. fine. good for them i guess#but i just rly wished she woulda told me like before#and it happened while i was at a Christmas party toooo.... now im sad and just not drunk enough#feeling lonely#i rly thought i had like things going up things looking good finally friends and shit#and like obviously i know her bf is the most important person to her thats how it works#but likee feels bad yk#cause apparently to her this wasnt even that big of a deal cos she didnt bother mentioning it yo be before#and i have no one#my other friends invited us both (thats how i found out) but theyre a couple too so i dont wanns go third wheeling their new years yk#i just#u think its going so well#and suddenly i just feel like ughhhh#this is cringe even writing i might delete this tomorrow when im sober and awake#but like. everyones got someone and ive been trying to click with someone for 20 fucking years#and still#:(((((((((#and like it feels bad not being anyones most important person#and like i know so many ppl are in this situation im not trying to be like wahhh my suffering is unique but like it just feels bad#very bad esp when ur tired as fuck and alone and shit#:(((((#my post#everything SUCKS!!!!!!!!!
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im GOING to write today ........ i WILL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#the sky speaks#i havent used twitter in so long and lemme say i missed using tumblr like twitter. just putting my long rambly notes into a single post#anyways onto the rambling#i havent been writing or drawing like at alllll#too busy#also was so sick#but now that i have my new job and i know what my schedule is gonna sorta look like#3 days at joann 2 days cleaning w mom and 2 days nothin#PLUS i dont have to spend money on therapy til after the new year now#and mom is coming home and she seems rly optimistic abt sobriety#im feeling like i can finally create again !!!!#i have 2 creative presents i need to do before christmas#but aside that and 1 prompt still in my inbox (that i rly wanna do anyways) everything else i wanna do is all for Me :)#im kinda put out bc a lot of stuff i wanted to do this fall got shelved.. i wanted to make bday art of kirishima xinyan and kazuha.#i wanted to open comms. but im way too rusty w art rn to be confident doing that. maybe after new years?#god i wanted to come out to my parents properly. the day my mom went to rehab was national coming out day.#it was also one of my last therapy sessions. i came out to her instead#i still managed to do stuff tho. started my new job and got together with friends TWICE !! and i've kept up w doing my moms job alone#idk where im going w this anymore ive lost steam. but yeah. i wanna write today! idk what yet. i hav so many wips i could work on..
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why the fuck do i miss pigeons
#don't ask me i am going thru it today#ebhehbbehbhebhabh#i miss pigeons dude#oooh the poor little domesticed cuties#kate rambles from here#this is a small detail of the feeling i am feeling#like post leaving nyc is wrecking havoc on my psyche#i don't want to be in the fucking great plains#a few irls don't understand my want for city life- and i didn't know it was this bad until staying there for 4 days-#but my mom's whole family is from the city- i just feel so at home there- and everything i've inherited that way is in my blood#and i just wanna bawl my eyes out#i have been quite a bit but like ik i have a goal now- to move into the city- i've always had that goal to at least move to the city near m#but like nyc was like being somewhere i felt i wanted- it's not that i'm looking to make it big- i miss the noise the water and pigeons#around here you'll hear the occasional car go by- and crickets- i miss the city lights- i keep crying about it for so many reasons but#i just don't know how to actually express it?#because it's such an odd feeling for me to feel? because if yknow me well- i love being at home- i hate sleeping somewhere else-#taking a trip down south this last christmas- i couldn't stand the quiet- it's quieter the more south you go and i can't do this#i've always wanted to leave my small town but ?? like actually being somewhere that has felt home has been unattainable bc every#where in oh hasn't been home... and for once i felt like i could do this- and having to return here- just made me break down and cry#maybe it's the person i live with- that makes me wish to leave- but that's not the full truth- idk maybe a good nap will help#kate rambles#i have a life goal now but i wish i could do it now- i hope sooner rather than later i'll at least live in the city#i've been happily living but now i have a direction i wish to run towards- and i'm gonna chase after it#sure i miss seeing tbz i loved seeing them- but it's not even post concert depression- if that makes sense?#which it doesn't make sense- because for mx it was only pcd- but for nyc it's missing the city... and it feels awful#pls ignore this i just needed to be frustrated somewhere#ig knowing what i'm missing- i can finally work on filling that spot huh? i guess that's what i'll be doing#(also vv small point but the fact that one of the people i live with- refuses to ever visit nyc again- is so comforting to me)#pls don't send me an ask about this i just needed to ramble and i haven't caught up on my daily journal yet to do so- so this is here
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#i just got back to my place after holidays and I'm feeling so homesick#i want my family closer to me#i want to see them more often and for longer time#and I hate that whenever I come home i have to split my time between mom and dad#and now my dad os going through something and it's breaking my heart#because he's always the funny and silly one...always happy and now he reminds me of himself when he was divorcing my mom#i am so grateful that I spent new year's with him and that he wasn't alone#i even miss his cigarette smoke infused apartment#and my mom's weird cooking and her her candles and essential oils#and I wish my brother would appreciate all this more and not see us as a burden#i love him but I want him to grow up finally#and today before I left everyone hugged me a little tighter and a little longer#and now it's making me cry because I won't feel a human touch like that until next time I get home and that will be easter#those holidays went too fast and I want at least one more week like that#and it's all about those mundane things that make my heart beat faster#like when I went grocery shopping with my dad on new year's#or when I was just sitting and watching my mom cook#and I miss my cat so fucking bad#I'm so happy he spent another year with us#i don't even want to think about it but each year I get worried that it's his last Christmas with us because he's getting so old#and now I'm here alone and I love it that I can do my own thing and I don't share my apartment with anyone#but I just want them a little closer#i don't like how limited is my time with my own family#I'm super emotional tonight#I know it will pass in few days but today the feelings are super raw#because for more than a week I was never alone and always surrounded by love and my favourite people on Earth#and I went to being totally alone right now#i should go to sleep because I'm exhausted and I'm waking up at five tomorrow#guys...i hope you all had wonderful holidays and i wish each of you all the absolute best in 2024!
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Vent: :(🙁😢😓😭😥😞😔
Trust issues or something
I have a hard time connecting to people. But I already knew that.
I don't really trust them. I get scared a lot. Or don't really say what I mean or what's on my mind. I don't want to cause a problem or make someone upset.
I make a whole bunch of efforts. I've made progress that doesn't feel like progress. Even though I know it's there, it doesn't actually feel like if accomplished anything. I've lacked that feeling for a while. And I think it would only come back if I felt a connection from it. Or some kind of meaning.
When I get a good grade I don't feel much towards it. Not because it was easy, but because it was hard. And all i got was this number for it. This number that doesn't have any meaning.
I have been hanging out with these same people. Without feeling like I am a part of what they do. NBB is always there. Or most often she is. Disturbing the peace for me. Even if it isn't actually peace. She isn't exactly helping. Making fun of me and everyone else at the table.
Other person I feel off about:
They love me. And I know it. And I feel bad. I feel like my care and what I do isn't enough. It's too much to say and not feel I making a mistake. So I'll keep it short. I am messing this up. I have to let myself connect to this person. I'm trying. But I feel like I am still closed. I put efforts, but its not what they deserve. They deserve someone who can get the words out without turning away from their phone after making a message. Someone who doesn't shy away from their feelings. I guess in a way I had quit daydreaming for you. I had other reasons. But I knew if I didn't, I'd be placing my imaginary friends over one of the realest people I know. Despite my connections there I want to connect with you. I don't want to make mistakes anymore. Even if you aren't aware of them. I don't care. I want to be the best I can for you. Please forgive me.
You don't even know about it. No one knows about the daydreams. No one knows what's been in my head.
I think you deserve someone better than me. I feel bad that you like me..
Or that you love me. I think its wrong
I'm scared my happiness with you is artificial or something.
I quit because I wanted to be more present when I spoke or talked with you. I just feel afraid that I may not be good. And all I wanted was to be good with you. I don't want to be bad. I think your making a mistake.
I wish I was better. I keep trying. But I'm afraid. I'm always afraid. And I don't like that.
Over the years anxiety has become more physical. I can feel it more.
I haven't daydreamed all day today. I should be proud but I feel nothing for this. I'm just aware it. I think that's all I'll get. I don't really care about any kind of accomplishment feeling.
I want love to squeeze the back of my head.
I want light pink to fall out.
I want to smile.
#cheeseburgerboy#the worst part is otherwise i feel fine now. the guilt today hasn't been bad.#bad things have happened left and right. and ive kept it together.#ive cried now but it doesn't hurt. it feels soft. but it stings when it hits the bottom of my chin.#i blew bubbles#i like doing that. i finally thought of my Christmas gift now. its too late.#since when do my tears sting my skin?. its everywhere. leave me alone#i think i love you too and im scared of it.#i don't want to love. i shouldn't#i don't think i should
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thinking a lot about fe3h lately dimitri felix yuri my beloveds (i have a type). also thinking about specifically akechi sandalphon g'raha (i also have a type but it's spoilers to elaborate)
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#hi ... it is 11 pm ..... i'm really busy this week and the next two especially but after that is a week break#so i'll finally get to doing all the things i want to get to! :] today is so tiring god anyways goodnight in advance#going to study for my quiz tomorrow uhm my teacher is so nice she said we're allowed to look at the materials and all. mostly because she sa#said* the questions are more... ahaha..... YEAH requires more thinking. anyways that's cool with me!#lots of homework and i have to make an essay in filipino due tomorrow oops i haven't worked on it yet#but heyy due at 11:59 pm so true <3 also really excited to play stardew valley finally since my best friend is gifting it to us as a late#christmas and birthday and valentines gift ^___^ bcs for christmas and bday they WERE going to give#but aha bcs of another friend (bcs bestie can't deliver things to where she lives so she trusted other friend) uhmm yeah. nada none no no ya#IDM THOUGH but like tbh i like this best. kinda. wait. how do i explain... she wanted to give us a ffxiv musicbox just as much as we wanted#it tbh? and then. she wants to give us stardew valley just as much as we do. even more tbh. hehe. lov my friends#AHHH RAMBLING BUT I WILL STOP NOW! self-control slay!! okay goodbye goodnight <3#oh today was so fun... i'll write down what happened today. so much happened. it's really nice. i feel like i have a life LMFAO
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went to midnight mass last night and i fink it cured me <3
#there is somethibg soooo cleansing abt walking out of a church at 2am driving home in completely empty roads and falling into bed and not#having to set an alarm#todays been a bit of a shitshow bc christmas day always is but man last night was so good#first time ive been to a catholic mass in years and i feel like im finally in a place where my religion may not make sense to anyone else#but it makes sense to me and it was just lovely <3#idk i missed kinda the familiar routine of a mass#idk i probably wont go back till next year lmao but it did feel good in the moment <33#almost like reclaiming an expereince that made me feel very uncomfortable and like an outlier as a teenager to something enjoyable#in my own mind <33
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