#I hate how noisy it is

[timidewe]

God it use to be sooooo quiet legit all the time

I miss it :((

[fishyfishyfishtimes]

At some point or another I’m going to have to make a seagull appreciation post, because now why on Earth would someone declare their hatred for them right after I say they’re my favourite birds :’’(

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

Both my parents actually suffer from HORRID emotional dysregulation and are prone to snapping and going into rages. My sister is the same way tbh. I am now realizing this is why they are constantly baffled by the question of whether or not I am mad at them.

I don't have external meltdowns.

I could. I don't let it happen.

I keep my rage on the inside and stay pretty quiet about it. It's just as strong as theirs [physically shaking nose bleed from high blood pressure kind of bad], but like as a kid I saw how terrifying it was to be around [dad breaking dishes, mom putting our lawn chairs into walls] and I just internalized that I wasn't going to wear that anger on the outside.

So my mother genuinely cannot tell if I am just being quiet or if I am silently hearing the dial-up noises of pure rage. This has lead her to both making strong and confident statements like "You are a pacifist who would never hurt a fly U.U" but also acting like I am secretly dangerous maybe... It's because she has never seen me snap.

She knows what her temper is like [throwing chairs through walls], she knows what my father's temper is like [pick up child and toss out door], and she can tell I am being tested, but she doesn't know what happens when I snap or where that breaking point is.

Her -perhaps unhinged- solution to this, my whole life, has been to do things that should obviously enrage me or shut me down completely, like ignoring important boundaries, repeatedly, punishing me for expressing emotions or needs at all, etc... And then to constantly ask me if I am angry with her when I get too quiet [right after near directly telling me to shut up].

It has occurred to me now, they have never once seen me lose my temper, so they literally just can't tell if I am angry at them. My sister is easy, my mother fights and screams with my sister constantly, my mother understands this. My mother doesn't have any grasp of feelings or boundaries that are not screamed at her [apparently, and I fear my sister is the same way]. Her and my sister are close despite constant fucking fighting because they understand each other.

They are trying to get me to engage the same way and it is not working. I realize now that this has been hard for them.

I was so successfully taught to suppress my emotions, by being punished for any outburst, that rage quiet looks the same as any other kind of quiet from the outside. To them anyway.

I did tell her. For the record. I used my words. I did tell her very calmly that my response to rage, in order to avoid doing the things that terrified me as a child, was to simply leave [the autistic urge to GTFO]. When a situation or person causes too much of the dial-up rage noise, I simply extract myself from that situation, up to and including never speaking to a person again. I explained this calmly. I explained it calmly 100 times and I explained that I explain myself calmly as my rage response 1-5 [also pretty much every other negative emotion tbh], and I told her that what came next was me simply opting out and fucking off. I told her this. I couldn't understand why she never took me seriously, or why she never fucking understood.

I couldn't understand what made her like this.

But it's the same problem I have with everyone else multiplied by a factor of 10.

If I am explaining myself calmly, they can't understand that it's actually serious or that I am actually upset. ESPECIALLY because they read me as "female" and women "aren't that rational" so if I am not screaming and crying about something, which I never do, people assume I can't be upset and it isn't serious.

And then after having my boundaries ignored too many times despite having calmly explained how and why it's a problem [shaking inside or not]... I leave. I leave and everyone gets upset like this is unexpected behaviour, even though I told them 50 times that is how I would respond if they kept doing *the thing.*

And for neurotypical people especially, they are expecting there to be a disconnect between what someone says they need or feel and what their actually boundaries and feelings are, and they expect the latter to be demonstrated with emotions. Telling them bluntly you do not function that way somehow never helps?

My mother isn't just looking for normal yelling or a few tears to know I am serious, whether or not I do those either [I don't], she's looking for an explosion to know there's a problem at all.

Fucked if I know how she proceeds through life this way in general or if this is just her expectation of her own kids???

And I couldn't get why my mother couldn't read my emotions and didn't seem to think I have any. It's because she's testing for the rage limit to see where my 'actual' limit is instead of taking my word for it. Never the fuck mind that she could simply *not* test at my boundaries instead of letting me have them. Separate issue.

I couldn't figure out what made her *like this*

She's expecting me to throw a giant meltdown violent tantrum at people when I have 'actually' had enough. Maybe she got away with those being like 5'4" in another time, but I am the size of the average man, I do not get to have giant screaming rages, whether or not people perceive me consciously as a woman, and least of all because a lot of people -at least unconsciously- read me as 'masculine' or at least always "they guy" of the situation compared to all other women and some men [bigger stronger and more rational, more able to just absorb the damage and let it go so the less rational screaming/crying one doesn't have to be dealt with]. Even if it was in me to be willing to terrify people [usually never], there are such limited instances where it wouldn't just blow back on me. Potentially very dangerously.

I am going to be the quiet calm one. You are going to have to let me use my words, bitch.

So she kept ignoring my boundaries until I had to cut her out of my life, and she probably doesn't understand and probably thinks it feels sudden -after 36 long years of bullshit- abrupt and unfair.

But I told her hundreds of times.

I probably should have just screamed at her.

[bunnihearted]

☕️🫧

[mawrrbid]

Why do all of the neighbor upstairs I have every year seem to be playing some Dark Souls in VR or something, like why the fuck do I feel like they're rolling around their whole apartment in the middle of the night???? And that's when they don't decide to suddenly move all of their furniture because idk, fun I guess??????

[lilbittymonster]

@ all my mutuals who are reblogging that discord server poll with various tags to the theme of "discord fucking sucks for socialisation" I see you and I am /rainbowdote at you we are all so correct

[kishimotomasashi]

All in the name of being holy

Sasuke and Itachi ✘ Buy The Stars - Marina and the Diamonds [AMV]

[bmpmp3]

Getting into stuff that has a lot of pre-announced release dates is really good for me like vocal synthesizer products and new love live etc franchise music releases....I'll be lying in bed at like 2 AM with ur usual 20-something's fear and existentialism over time and the future and then I'll remember a piece of singing software or a new song related to cartoon characters I like is gonna come out like next month and I'm like 😌

[3-aem]

AI art is not art. I don't understand the debate around this I really don't.

[no-sleep-demon]

Unfortunately, if there's one thing I am a hater about, it's music.

[firewoodfigs]

hngnghgh listening to fearless/speak now tv makes me wanna write an eden AU so bad... like yor is flunking miserably because she has three arubaitos (part-time jobs) to juggle outside of school and is well on her way to getting expelled and loid overhears her conversations with her teachers and very kindly extends : ) a helping hand : )

[nelfs]

idk how not to feel critical of myself in regards to how Not Chill I often am. ive been feeling this way a lot lately actually.

I have a lot of friends who are poly, routine skinny dippers, live in households where they frequently host strangers, share all their food, have random dogs/cats come and go, host loud music performances, etc etc etc

and that seems so cool. but all the shit i just listed would drive me INSANE if it happened in my house. I feel like I'm just much more high-strung and living in a dirty loud house with no privacy rubs me the wrong way. and it's hard not to feel like their being chill & open is a superior way to be- as opposed to simply a different way to be. I just get so pissed off by hippie-dippy atmospheres and I wish I was not that way, I don't know what my problem is.

[evildogbites]

I love how oblivious I am to misogyny because it keeps me protected. Sadly it didn't when on the train the man sitting in front of me kept squeezing his pack. On and on and on. I was trying to work on my laptop but I had his crotch in my periphery and I was just shocked at how he was just so clearly holding it and squeezing. Anyway, I hate men and I hate disrespectful people goddam.

[lesbiansanemi]

I wish there was a way to communicate how overstimulated kids make me and how much I really wish I could reliably be in public spaces without hearing large families/children being insanely loud without sounding like one of those freaks that thinks children should be banned from public spaces

[ronanlynchbf]

hell day today and i'm only two hours into my EIGHT HOUR SHIFT

[lungfuls]

sorry for being such a prolific tiktok hater but the most annoying sound in the world is someone watching tiktoks