#I hate delving into discourse but I had thoughts

[heytherecentaurs]

It’s hard to have a nuanced and level-headed compassionate reaction when people are actively trying to kill you. Whatever the Rat Grinders were before they aren’t that now.

(Discourse beneath the cut.)

I think conversation about what the rat grinders deserve is reasonable. They were manipulated and exploited. Maybe they deserve redemption. But why should it fall to the bad kids to give it to them? Also just because you’ve been manipulated doesn’t mean you’re less responsible for your actions. Teens radicalized by the far right are still responsible for their actions. “I was manipulated” isn’t a great defence for murder. Also everything about the Rat Grinders comes from a place of privilege and a belief they are owed something. They made the choices and bought into the ideology because of their sense of entitlement and this really common insidious belief I see on the far right of denying they have privilege and viewing themselves as some kind of oppressed class.

I interpret the rage and fanaticism as an analog for radicalization. The death of the people they once were and the rebirth of fanatics. It started out small, making choice after choice until it reached a point of no return. The Rat Grinders gave away pieces of themselves until they were new people. An ideology didn’t make them hateful spiteful self-entitled people. They accepted the ideology that fit their personality. Does who they were make them owed redemption? Obviously saying no was an option. Lucy said no; she healed the rats. She tried to follow KLCK but reached a breaking point. Have they ever shown remorse? Has there been any indication that they ever wanted to turn back from the path that led them to their conflict with The Bad Kids? Doesn’t seem like it. Where in this story has Kipperlilly been anything more than Kyle Rittenhouse with a blonde ponytail?

If they are to be redeemed, who they are now needs to be destroyed. Another death is required. And it should not be up to the bad kids, a group of teens to see that the rat grinders are deradicalized. Somewhere some reasonable adults need to take responsibility and control over things and deal with the situation. The bad kids may be able to fight to save the world but they don’t have degrees in therapy or any kind of deprogramming knowledge that’s gonna stop the rat grinders from killing them and Elmville along with them.

I like the rat grinders as villains but they are villains in a D&D game. And just because you may find them sympathetic doesn’t mean they automatically deserve redemption. It just makes their deaths tragic and avoidable and that’s fine. A lot of people die tragic avoidable deaths because of their own character flaws and because they trusted the wrong people. That’s allowed to be the case. They can be tragic and still die. Hell they can be tragic and still deserve to die narratively.

[sunnys-aesthetic]

I have had this certain itch to say this. I'm surprised you never got mad or despised Naff for being more well-known about a dca detective au and people stealing your designs to make fanart for her

I had to think over how to respond to this ask because by all means I didn't want to give a quick answer and dip without leaving things properly, genuinely answered or explained. I'd like to minimize any misinterpretations or misunderstandings :<

I think the best way for me to properly address this is to section it into 2 parts? One part for how I feel about Naff and the second part for how I feel about some of my designs being used without credit! Also sorry for any messy typing as admittedly I'm nervous typing all of this out after so much time has passed and I haven't really thought about this in eons FHSKJDHFSDGJKHJF

Long body of text warning So I'll place down a 'keep reading' down here! v

I want to answer this ask truthfully on my experiences and how I overcame this, what my mindset was then, and what it is now.

So! First part- Naffeclipse! Right off the bat I want to say that, no, I don't hate or despise Naff. Yes, I used to feel hurt by how they used my work, but I don't feel that way anymore. I think you're the first ever person to have asked me anything regarding this in almost two years. If I'm honest, no one online has ever made a comment regarding this so I was a little surprised! I began the DCA Detectives and dubbed it "Sleuth Jesters" in my original post back in mid-June 2022. And from there the concept's popularity kinda exploded.

I'm proud of Naff for the wide range of followers, love and support that they've cultivated using my au, and I don't want to take away from the fact that yes, the story, the world, the character interpretations they created was all their own work! That's something i want to make known first and foremost. That is all 100% their own hard work and skill as a writer. And I never want to take credit for that.

Now, I know this may look really unfair and believe me, within the first few months of Sleuth Jesters taking off from not my own platform but from another persons, I thought it was too. I was possibly going through one of my roughest periods, as all of this was very new for me and I had a lot of IRL personal stuff going on at the time. The main reason I hadn't made any remark or mention aside from one post asking for credit the same day I had talked to Naff about it privately in DMS is because I inadvertently developed imposter syndrome with the whole situation, and I privately decided to not work on that au of my own volition and lack of want to continue it on my own terms!

Why did you have imposter syndrome? Well! Because for me personally it was a feeling of 'hey! I know you racked up tons of followers and created a big platform, and you personally put the work into it, but can I please be credited for your hard work? Because they're my initial idea and designs?' was essentially my mindset for months back then, it was a sticky tricky situation! ^^; and it was not very healthy for me.

However I don't want to dive into too many details on my emotional & mental wellbeing during 2023! I was a new artist, and I was absolutely scared I would be the one who would make or initiate the first large discourse within the DCA community if I spoke up about it, possibly receive unwarranted hate or backlash, and I felt the pressure was really on me to keep the peace because as far as I had known, the DCA community hadn't had any 'big drama' since its making during that time.

But! At the same time all of this was happening I moreso delved into making my oc cloud drop + being with friends and having fun, and I simply personally didn't want to continue the AU anymore. It was not entirely due to Naff's usage but also because I simply just didn't have the time or energy for it! That's all there was to it. I struggled yes, sure! but,

What matters to me is not how or what i think or say, but how I choose to act or deal with situations that can be stressful or uncomfortable in the general sense. and despite any negative feelings I may have had, I think kindness can live a lot longer than any hatred ever could. I don't physically have it in me to hate someone or hold a grudge for too long, even in the heat of the moment, and I hope this mentality can be applied to anyone who reads this as well ^.^ Communication is key to me in any relationship, even if i know you or don't know you! And if you are not willing to make that effort in talking or speaking up it will negatively affect you in the long run. And I made that mistake by waiting for too long! sorry that was cheesy haha but its a personal mindset i live with.

So to answer the first part of the question, yes I used to be upset, but I'm not anymore.

What about the people who used your design(s) to make fanart for her?

wwweell, ill admit this was actually one of the bigger things that hurt me the most at the time, Nowadays I am being more properly credited, even if there's a few people who forget to credit me I wont take it personally. It's a much better improvement compared to when I hadn't spoken at all about it.

It's already gotten to a point where its thousands of people who associate the fanart to their fiction, and even if it wasn't with my permission at the time, it is now! We can't really force or change what happened in the past but at the v least I hope those who will make fanart are a little more aware of who to give their credits to! I still enjoy seeing everyone's art! ^^

tl;dr, i was really sad and hurt by it at the TIME, and yes it messed me up but not once did I despise Naff as person at all. Everything's all good now and I'm doing much better and all I can ask for now is the continued credit for at least my au and my designs ♡

And i very VERY VERY much urge you all TO NOT give any animosity towards naffeclipse as I already know they did not mean any of this in any ill will at all since the beginning, and we both already talked about it mid last year c:>

[windslar]

People You'd Like to Get to Know Better

i was tagged by @druidberries. Thank you!!

Tag under the cut because I went on a whole spiel about a popular novel that catches a lot of flak online and I don't know how to shut up (spoiler: it features 20-something-year-olds who open up brick-and-mortar businesses in downtown Boston like it's nothing, and trash in the form of a man named Kyle with an R).

Last Song: From the Start - Laufey

Favorite Color: Sage Tint by Benjamin Moore

Currently Watching: Only Murders in the Building and Modern Family (I watched the first couple seasons but never finished it. It's such a good background show).

Last Movie: Last one I watched in the theatres was Oppenheimer, but the last one I watched on streaming was Disenchanted (lol). I need more James Marsden in my life, especially after his performance in Jury Duty.

Currently Reading: It Ends with Us by Colleen Hoover. Before you get the pitchforks, I'm only reading it because of the ~discourse~. Besides, I had it downloaded in my Kobo long before it really blew up on tiktok and my curiosity was reignited after I saw the uproar about the casting. I have a lot of problems with this book: (1) it's not well-written and I should've put the book down the moment she started writing letters to Ellen Degeneres and thought she was a good celebrity for being charitable, (2) it doesn't delve into the systemic issues that play a role in why women stay with their ab*ser, (3) the marketing for this book ain't shit for categorizing it a romance novel. BUT, all my problems aside, I don't think the story itself romanticizes domestic ab*se and I think most readers recognize this (see this Slate article that talks about it better than I could). Here's an excerpt:

It seems like this part of the novel’s plot could be read in two very different ways: one, which the Mary Sue seems to pursue, is that Lily doesn’t react to ab*se in the appropriate way, and the book endorses all of her choices, and therefore both deserve condemnation. The other is an exercise in empathy: Hoover wrote an imperfect book on domestic violence, but if we require all of these narratives to be morally unimpeachable, there’s no room to acknowledge that there is no such thing as a perfect victim.

I haven't finished the book, but I read Kyle with an R doesn't get a satisfying comeuppance proportional to his actions. And while it would be nice to see the trash taken out, isn't this ending plausible and representative of a common experience among families with a history of ab*se?

I think my big criticism with the backlash surrounding this book and others like it is the assumption that their readers are "impressionable young girls". Not every work of fiction needs to portray the protagonist as a hero in every sense of the word. Not every positive quality assigned to a villain is "making the character redeemable". Not every work of fiction is meant to be didactic and scrutinized as if it were instructions on how to live a perfect life. Maybe I'm giving more credit where it's due, but I really think most readers are able to think critically. People love reading about complicated characters in messy situations. And while I think the characters in Hoover's book could be written better and fleshed out a lot more, that is neither here nor there. My point is: stop assuming women are stupid and incapable of forming their own opinion. Enjoyment of fiction is not endorsement of the actions exhibited by deeply flawed characters.

Sweet/Spicy/Savory: Savory. But after writing all that and posting it here on tumblr, maybe SPICY.

Last Thing I Googled: That Slate article so I could link it and before that I googled Blake Lively and learned that she has 4! children.

Current Obsession: Rowing! But only if I have an episode of Modern Family playing.

Currently Working On: TJOLC posts, Lightflower is kind of on the back burner right now on account of I-hate-posing-sims and the next few scenes require a lot of it. I just wish there was AI that would pose my sims for me based on dialogue I've written. I would betray my principles, climb up the paywall if I have to.

I'm tagging anyone who sees this and

(ETA: look at me getting cut off by my own self. Sorry I was distracted and heating up some food while typing this, but yeah, I tag anyone who sees this.)

[wri0thesley]

Ok, now I’m starting to think we’re following the same twitter circles because I saw that yesterday too! ✋😂 Definitely gave me pause to see Scara on there when he’s such a goddamn BRAT, which I admittedly do like but that doesn’t make for much of a daddy. Xiao didn’t belong on there either, you’re right, and at this point I’m genuinely convinced your average twitter user doesn’t understand the actual meaning of any word ever, because the gross misusage is legit out of control over there. I’ve long since given up the discourse lifestyle (or so I tell myself cmdkxmse) but some of the stuff I see truly tests my patience for fandom culture nonsense, as well as my self control to keep my mouth shut 😂

The bizarre obsession they have with “minor coded” characters is absolutely one of those things - for example, did you know that there were people trying to insist both Layla AND professor Faruzan are children? Truly, I wish you could’ve seen my face. 😭 Venti is easily the worst offense tho, I’m right there with you on that. It just doesn’t make sense from any perspective but honestly they probably deserve a medal for all the mental gymnastics they had to do to reach that asinine conclusion. He’s just as much of an old man as Zhongli is. His line at the end of the wine festival about feeling like some kind of grandpa should’ve been proof enough of that. lmao

((Zhongli IS my favorite Archon at least partially because he’s dad, daddy and grandpa all rolled into one 😂 but Venti fits the bill too, just in a different flavor. I’m low key convinced there’s some kind of correlation between that and the fact they’re the last remaining two of the original seven buuut I digress))

I like Nahida a lot too, she ended up being way more likable and charming than I originally thought she’d be but yeah, I’m SO ready to move on and delve deeper into the Deshret mystery instead. 👀 Somehow or another there are people who seem to have actually fallen for Al-Haitham’s bio insisting he’s the most normal, plain and unremarkable person to ever walk Teyvat and they’re starting to give up on the their theories but … if anything I think that just made him look all the more suspicious. lol Normal individuals don’t typically have to go out of their way to ensure they continue to appear normal. It’s very … Yoshikage Kira of him. 😂😂😂 Even if he’s not connected to Deshret (unlikely imo, given Cyno and the priest) I’d say he’s still got something going on behind the scenes and I can’t wait to find out what it is. Frankly tho I’m just so eager to go back to the desert again. It’s easily my favorite area in the game so far and also the Golden Slumber quest was just 10 out of fucking 10 imo. I need to know everything, see everything, experience everything. I also miss Dehya … a LOT. *sniffle* What do I have to do to have her top me? 😭

i follow almost nobody on twitter who posts like actual non-art things but the algorithm does like to show me discourse and lore posts (which . . . ok i won't complain about the second but the FIRST)....

GOD he was so . . . he was so grandpa in the whole of the wine event, i love him so much. he is so fun and lovely and also so melancholy at the same time. venti my beloved.

THE CONSTANT INSISTENCE THAT ALHAITHAM IS JUST A NORMAL NORMAL GUY DOING NORMAL NORMAL THINGS IS THE MOST SUSPECT THING ABOUT HIM. please. i don't like the desert very much (i hate the underground and i liked the first half of the desert quest but i am just avoiding doing the second because it's much less fun with less npcs to hang out with), but hopefully the apparently qol update we're getting that tells you the difference between underground and overground teleports will help there! mondstadt is my favourite region followed by inazuma (though the inazuma archon quest . . . oof). i am however extremely excited about SANDWORMS. i just think they will be cool!

[orionsangel86]

I came across a post today that asks the question why fandom despises Thessaly so much for being a TERF when fandom is so happy to ship Dreamling and make Hob a central character when he was a slaver in the 1700s.

I did think of reblogging the post directly and adding my thoughts to it, but I get the impression that the OP and their circle would not welcome my comments and I don't want to put them on blast to wider fandom either. They are well within their rights to their opinions and their anger towards wider fandom, which lets be honest certainly includes its fair share of racism and misogyny.

But I also wondered if maybe this post of mine had some part to play in that post. It was a very critical post towards fandom and people wanting Thessaly cut from the show, and implied that fandom will happily cut out and proudly hate on transphobic characters, but turns a blind eye to racism and makes a literal slaver their protagonist.

So I wanted to delve into this a bit deeper and go some way to explaining my viewpoint on this. I'm not here to cause discourse or arguments, hence me keeping to my corner on my own post, but perhaps if this does come across some people who saw the other post its a worthy contender for explanation - as well as maybe a defence of myself if the above post was partly the inspiration for it.

Under a cut as it gets long.

The comments I want to address specifically are about how the OP and their circle see no difference between Thessaly and Hob. In their eyes, Hob Gadling is just as horrible as Thessaly, and deserves to be cut from the show more than she does. They view Hobs position in the story as minor and non relevant to Dream's arc, compared to Thessaly who plays a significant role in his narrative.

This is where I disagree with them. I wrote the above post because I was looking at the story through an adaptation lense. It's a Doylist viewpoint of a difficult character to adapt to a wider audience. I may have been a bit heavy handed on the "because she's a TERF" narrative but to stress this isn't the primary reason why she should be cut. I also want to make it clear that when writing the above meta, aside from one comment about immortality being a motivation for Thessaly, Hob Gadling didn't even cross my mind.

The above meta is nothing to do with Hob or Dreamling. It's in fact a big advocate for canon Morphanna more than anything else, so I want to make it clear that there is no "getting rid of Thessaly to make room for Dreamling" about it. As much as literally ALL corners of this fandom want to make EVERYTHING about Dreamling for good or for bad, this post ain't one of em.

So why hate on Thessaly and not Hob? Well I think that's pretty simple actually.

One was able to change where the other wasn't.

The problem with Thessaly is that at no point does she even remotely attempt to be a decent person. At no point does she try to develop, to grow a moral compass, to do the right thing. She is a murderous transphobic witch when she is introduced, and she is still a murderous transphobic witch at the end of the story - I haven't read the Thessaly comics and have no intention too - non Gaimanverse Sandman does not interest me - so I don't know if she finds a conscience in those but thats irrelevant to the Sandman story anyway.

The reason Thessaly as a character annoyed me SO much when I first read the comics was because at literally every single point, every choice she makes is selfish, harmful to others, and cruel at times. She just doesn't care about people. At all. She's the epitome of a selfish person and she gets away unharmed at the end. When she was protecting Lyta in TKO I hoped that it would be revealled that she was helping her out of some empathy, or because of her feelings for Dream and wanting to get back at him, or just, I don't know, ANY emotional input here Thessaly would be nice but nope. It was just so she could get more years of life from the Kindly Ones. She has no relationships with other people, no connections beyond what she can gain from others, she only shows emotion when she is angry and murderous, and otherwise is just kind of dead between the eyes.

The reason why this person with these specific character traits would be hard to adapt isn't because she would make a bad villain - Thessaly would make a brilliant villain - you just gotta look at Esther Finch in DBDA to see what Thessaly COULD be (if she had ANY rizz at all lol). No, the reason she is hard to adapt is because keeping her exactly as she is in the comic AND making her the show protagonists only current love interest just isn't doable and wouldn't work in a show where every effort has already gone into making Dream more likeable and palatable to a wider audience. Even old school comic book fans don't like Thessaly and are confused by the way the comic treats Dream's relationship with her. None of it makes sense in the comic, so how is it gonna look in the show?

Even if you drastically changed Thessaly in the show to make her more palatable it would be a struggle because her arc as villain AND as love interest conflict so much. If you chose one but cut the other it reduces her character and changes the story. It makes more sense to cut her and replace her with a magic user who is already known to the audience who has chemistry with Dream whilst still being slightly antagonistic towards him when their motives don't align. Hence me once again circling back to Johanna being a better fit.

I am sure there are plenty of ways they could explore Thessaly in canon if they wanted to, but Johanna is right there. So why is Thessaly needed when Johanna would fit her arc perfectly AND add an emotional lense to it which would add depth and better conflict between the characters. There is no conspiracy here. No desire to cut her and replace her with fucking HOB. The two are completely separate conversations and the attempts to compare them as some social commentary on fandom feeling on transphobia vs fandom feeling on racism isn't really fair in my opinion.

But lets talk about Hob Gadling. Sure, like enough essays haven't already been written about this guy. Why does fandom not want him sent to the cutting room floor like Thessaly? Well for starters he has a completely different role in the story that can't really be replaced the same way. Hob is a symbol of change. He is positioned as a narrative foil to Dream in many ways. Quite simply, the Thessaly problems in adaptation don't exist for Hob.

This is a show about change, and about the protagonists inability to change. It is fitting then that we are introduced to a character who makes change his entire personality. The point of Hob is that he is adaptive to his environment and is able to survive and thrive because of change - either for good or for bad. Hob is also a symbol for humanity - or at least a specific type of white European humanity and how that specific demographic has evolved over time. What Hob does in the story is show Dream how important change can be. It's also fitting that he desires to keep living and manages to find joy in life no matter what whereas Dream seeks out Death in all its/her forms and struggles to find any joy at all in his function and being. It is through Hob and Hob's growth and change that Dream finds a friend in him, and through Hob, Dream comes to love humanity in a way he didn't before. I cannot think of another character that could replace Hob in this very specific role.

Yes, Hob was a slaver. Emphasis on was. The comic tries very hard to show that Hob is not who he was, and by the end it is made textually clear that not only does he deeply regret his role in the slave trade, but that he is absolutely not racist at all in the modern era. I think this is the part that people who want to hate on Hob like to pretend isn't true. They talk about him as if he is still a slaver, still a racist, and still therefore completely worse than all other characters in the story. Yes what he did was absolutely horrific and I am not saying he is redeemable here. The comic doesn't allow him redemption. He admits himself that he can never make reparations for what he has done. But this is the glaring difference between him and Thessaly, this is the bit that the people comparing them fail to acknowledge.

Hob regrets. Thessaly does not.

Hob has changed, and wishes he could undo his actions. Thessaly has no such considerations.

Hob may have been a slaver, but as history moved on so did he, and he changed and based on what we learn about him in Hob's Leviathan and Sunday Mourning appears to have become a better person.

Thessaly is just as much a transphobe at the end of the story as she was at the beginning. She shows no remorse and no indication that she has grown or become a better person. She gets away unscathed and unbothered by the events that unfolded and it is infuriating that she does not learn. She does not care. She gets away with all her crimes whilst others died.

This is why I find it difficult to view the two characters under the same banner. I have seen a few posts of this nature claiming Hob is just as bad if not worse than Thessaly, but in my opinion, a characters ability to accept responsibility and feel regret and guilt for their past actions is a far better character than one who doesn't change, doesn't grow, and doesn't ever show remorse or regret.

If Hob was shown in the comic to have not changed, and to have not cared about his past actions - say for instance he was bragging about all the money he made in the 1700s and how those were the good old days! Wish the world would go back to how it was back then! Then I think that would be absolutely horrible and I would be the first person to state that the character needed to be changed or cut from the show because how could Dream be friends with someone who was clearly a white supremacist? How does that look for our protagonist who is supposed to be likeable! But the thing is that Hob HAS changed, and he HATES the past. If you pay any attention to the way Hob talks throughout the comics you'll find that at every opportunity Hob bemoans the past and is excited for the future.

But Thessaly doesn't look good for Dream. Because she is STILL a transphobe. STILL a murderer. STILL a selfish evil witch. Dream courting her and making her his lover is an absolutely batshit insane choice for the show to make. So I stand by my above meta. I don't know what direction the show will take, and if they have cast Thessaly and it turns out she is a brilliant new character and love interest then fine (at least give her some Esther Finch charisma please). But I refuse to accept this accusation that by wanting Thessaly cut and not Hob that this is some glaring example of fandom double standards and racism. It boggles the mind and of course, as always, everyone is forgetting the real reason for my original post - MORPHANNA. It's never been about Thessaly, not really, it's just about me being a rabid Morphanna shipper and wanting them to be canon. So by all means come at me with all the reasons Morphanna is problematic because I would LOVE to hear it.

The Problem With Thessaly

I’m sure plenty of fans would agree with me that there are certain elements of the Sandman comics that are going to be very difficult to adapt for television. I don’t envy the mammoth task Neil and the creative team on the show have ahead of them. But one element in particular which has been on my mind frequently is how they are going to introduce Thessaly to our screens.

It’s not just that she’s a TERF. It’s that she’s a cold, cruel, selfish, and inconsiderate bitch who only ever thinks about herself. Oh yeah, and she’s a huge TERF. There isn’t a single likeable element to her.

And yet.

We are supposed to somehow believe that our main protagonist, idiotic as he may sometimes be, depressed and seriously down on his luck as he is, will fall head over heels in love with her.

Sorry. But it ain’t happening. Something has gotta change. So here are my thoughts on how they could fix the Thessaly Problem.

Under a cut for comic spoilers (and its a bit long)

Keep reading

[bworz]

— Just another (Anonymous) DID sufferer —

= Main name is Jaeger. He/Him. 30+. English language only.

= Others: V. Emily. KJ. Tommy. Rose. ???. Daniel.

= Officially diagnosed DID // 2008.

= Other (dx) disorders include Depression. Anxiety. OCD. Adjustment disorders. ADHD.

= I am: Neutral. Low empathy. Friendly. Open-minded. Dissociative. Stoic.

= Do not discuss with me: Politics. Religion. Negative world events.

= DNI: Endo/Tulpa. Anti-LGBTQ+.

This place exists for me to be able to freely interact with other systems and observe discourse while protecting my own identity, and to also learn about general things system related.

— The blog itself — 

This blog will include content that some may find triggering, though all viable posts will be appropriately tagged. This blog will not include politics, religion, world events, any radical hate, and things related.

= Main tags: Jaeger blogs (My words and thoughts etc). Musings of the mind (Thoughts and aesthetics).

— About my journey so far — 

Diagnosed quite a time ago, I was partially open about my disorder to close friends until being called a faker by someone I valued and considered trustworthy at the time. This spread to other people in and out of our shared circles and my trust was shattered. After that, I kept it to myself and only very few people I could put faith in. It left a sour taste in my mouth that I couldn’t be open with what was a big part of my life, but not everybody can be trusted as I learned, that there are horrible people out there. 

Later on, I was put on heavy medication and, delving into in a form of denial, I soon became what I thought was a state of being a single-minded individual. It was like a barrier was put up between myself and the others. I was on the medication for quite a time, going on for several years, and barely switched during it, and it seemed to only last for minutes at best, I believe. All the while I could feel that clawing at my chest and mind, and it irritated me, and I tried my best to ignore it. But the disorder was definitely still there, looking back. I thought that perhaps I was cured and just making things up which, to this day, I still feel rather invalid and as though I am faking until I remember episodes where I’ve switched and can’t explain it otherwise, which then consoles and reassures me that I am indeed not faking. 

It took many more years for any harder switches to happen after I came off of the meds, and still to this day I don’t switch half as much as I used to. But it does happen. I had a partner for a couple of years who severely helped me with my self-worth and trust issues, and I then learned to not be ashamed of all of this, but to still be careful with who I tell, hence I’m anonymous on here. I don’t trust strangers with the knowledge of my disorder and will never tell who I am, or my real name. Safety first. I’ve learned that.

I don’t know many details of the people I’m with in this state. I’ve learned names and some genders with mild details in between, but they’re all still foreign to me in a way. We don’t have a way of communicating other than through other people or notes, and no notes are ever left. There are also no traces of them online as far as I know. I do hope that I can proceed forward in life and learn more of who I am and who these people are. Even with my ex, these people didn’t share details and were rather reclusive it seems, not wanting to ‘get into trouble’ as one said. Maybe they will post here. Maybe not. I don’t know. 

So who knows where this will lead me. I just want to get involved with the community, see how things go, learn new stuff, and glimpse other views in life.

Learning about ‘endo’ systems, I am knowledgeable that those don’t exist and won’t be entertaining their views at all.

[deerydear]

I was listening to alawyer describe 'Subjective versus Objective perspectives' and their usage in the courtroom, earlier today...

Subjective:

"What were the people involved thinking? What was their thought-process at the time of an incident?"

Objective:

"What kind of precedent do we want to set for society as a whole? What is our ideal? What is our goal in becoming a just society?"

I find this interesting because of my ruminating, obsessive mental argumentation which used 'social justice discourse' as its base and script.

The claim:

"Objectivity is racist, classist, sexist, ableist... (what other words can I think of... I haven't usually seen it described as homophobic.) There is not one, objective way of looking at the world. If you had endured as much suffering as my family has, for generations... perhaps you would understand. It has a background. The flower has roots in the earth.

I actually find myself understanding a similar feeling.

What is 'the right way' for a society to be?

Is it this way?

What's your idea?

How would it come to pass?

I find myself studying the societies of the Soviet union. They pretended to be objective, too... They thought they were right. They felt vindicated, even as they suffered. Perhaps the mockery of other people was an anesthetic to one's own condition of suffering.

Perhaps this suffering does not exist. I said it doesn't, so what? Will you pull it out of me? Will you vivisect me, just to prove I suffer?

Where on this anatomical chart is my suffering? Is it the spleen?

hmmm....hm-hm.

"Killing things is not so hard. It's hurting that's the hardest part, and when the Wizard gets to me... I'm asking for a smaller heart."

--- Amanda Palmer.

There isn't an end to a person. They aren't sentences.

...or even if one was imagined that way: I have sentences answer me back, in my thoughts. I have sentences that reprise themselves all the time, revealing new information in the sets of words that accompany them.

Mathematical...

I was suffering from a sort of subjective argumentation between two people in my head. I didn't really understand the arguments, but I pretended to take a side. This caused my suffering, because I was defending something I did not understand.

"I want to be a good person."

"Good can mean a lot of things. Can you do arithmetic?"

A line that people have either loved, or hated:

"I have no idea who I'm going to wake up as... Every day is brand new. The truth is alive, and it refreshes itself continually."

"Yes, but you're still you, right? How could you be someone else?"

A good question!

Actually... it depends on the definition of 'you'. I think I romanced with Egoic ideas too much. An Ego like dead skin...

Ah, something subjective... something not-literal.

Mathematics are much more clear. It either is or it isn't.

It isn't willy-nilly. There is a right answer and a wrong answer.

........*dipshit caricature of OCD*: "prioritizing math is racist and sexist".

Real argument I've heard.

sometimes I wonder, though... if some subjects of discourse are psy-optic. "Get them to tear eachother apart over the stupidest things. Imply that all of [demographic] are inherently unskilled in particular ways. Um... um... um..."

Yet, I also know that the human being can be insane enough to invent these sorts of distractions all on their own. Sometimes, there's just "luck" involved. "Things just work out a certain way." I've seen it happen enough to know it..... but there is always that possibility.

Even a 0.01% chance is still a positive possibility.

Maybe I just drove myself insane through boredom. Gotta find 'something to do'. That's the driving impulse, inside the vehicle...

Hey, I have a better car that you can drive, right here...

I found some really nice sketching pencils, with a gradient of softness/hardness... I started trying them out, and I feel so.... free!

Dude! I've wanted to delve deep into the detailing illustration for a looooong time, but I honestly hadn't thought to buy a set of sketching pencils. Some part of my psyche thought: "huff... Those are hoity-toity. I don't need other special pencils, when I have my trusty #2 ticonderoga!

I finally wanted to try them, because my mom had a set... I think that my parents might have bought a set for me when I was much younger, but I had no impulse to really use them, until they were "someone else's", first. Funny animal behaviour. Monkey see, monkey do...

I feel capable of life again, because my artistic sensibility is reactivated. I was in such a slog. My skill level was rapidly advancing, but my technology hadn't produced the results that I knew that I could... with a new tool!

:D

[bob-williams]

As I put down the controller and let the credits roll, I couldn't help but feel a sense of accomplishment and bittersweet satisfaction. My journey through Assassin's Creed Valhalla had come to an end, leaving me with lasting memories of a truly remarkable gaming experience. However, as I ventured online to share my thoughts and delve into the community's discourse, I was taken aback by the amount of criticism the game had received. I couldn't understand why such an incredible story had garnered so much hate.

Let me start by saying that the story of Assassin's Creed Valhalla is an absolute masterpiece. Set in the Viking era, it follows the tale of Eivor, a fierce warrior leading a clan of Norsemen in their quest for a new home in England. The narrative weaves together elements of history, mythology, and the classic Assassin's Creed lore, captivating players with its intricate plot twists and emotional depth. Eivor's journey is one of self-discovery, forging alliances, and battling against the invading forces of the Templars.

One of the most remarkable aspects of Assassin's Creed Valhalla is how it embraces the diversity of the Assassin's Creed franchise. Each installment in the series offers a unique setting, time period, and cast of characters, allowing players to explore different historical eras and perspectives. Valhalla beautifully captures the essence of Viking culture, showcasing their customs, beliefs, and the challenges they faced during that tumultuous period. It's a refreshing departure from the more traditional Assassin's Creed narratives, and it breathes new life into the franchise.

The Assassin's Creed series has always been about blending history and fiction, and Valhalla does this in a way that is both immersive and satisfying. The game seamlessly intertwines the Viking narrative with the overarching Assassin-Templar conflict, revealing the hidden connections between these two worlds. In doing so, it adds depth and intrigue to the story, while also paying homage to the franchise's roots. The Assassin's Creed Valhalla story is a worthy addition to the series, expanding the lore and setting the stage for future installments.

Of course, it's important to recognize that no game is perfect, and criticisms are bound to arise. But in the case of Assassin's Creed Valhalla, I believe the negativity overshadowed the game's incredible strengths. Some critics argued that the game was too long or that certain aspects of the story were convoluted. However, I found that the game's length allowed for a more immersive experience, as it gave me ample time to fully explore the richly crafted world and engage with its diverse cast of characters. The intricacies of the story, while complex, added a layer of depth that kept me invested until the very end.

Ultimately, the Assassin's Creed franchise thrives on its ability to reinvent itself with each new installment. The diversity of narratives and settings is what makes the series so captivating, and Valhalla is a prime example of this. It takes risks, explores uncharted territories, and breathes new life into the age-old conflict between Assassins and Templars. It may not be the traditional Assassin's Creed experience that some fans expected, but it offers a fresh and compelling take on the franchise, delivering a story that stands on its own merits.

[iatrophilosophos]

(Lmk if you don't want me screenshotting ur tags/saying this next to it i just think this part is important. All future "you"s in this post are @ a general hypothetical reader, not @ you previous poster specifically.)

Neuroleptics is a huge frog boil. I think for a lot of ppl there is a wave of initial relief with the prescription cuz like, most people do get on these meds when they're feeling super fucked up & i think there is a ton of value in the like, neurological shake up to get into a different bodymind frame and start functioning different. And then, for me and a lot of ppl I've talked to, there's the numbness but there can also be 0 emotional memory: i.e. when i was on neuroleptic medication, every feeling was the *only* feeling i had ever felt. I had extreme lows in my daily life, at school, etc but in my nice quiet psychs office, I had nothing to report. Then, there's the fact that these medications cause withdrawals, plus feeling anything again can be super overwhelming. So you get the really classic loops and spirals/"unstable psycho behavior": hate ur meds, build up a bunch of antispsych thoughts, go off, don't process withdrawals well, get into a hole, get hospitalized or face pressure from family/friends/society at large, go back on, feel better for a little bit, start defending psychiatry really hard...rinse and repeat.

So! Alternatives and ~harm reduction~:

If you or someone you know decided you do want to take neuroleptic drugs, it's a really really good idea to set intentions to monitor side effects OUTSIDE of your relationship to your prescriber. Note when you feel like shit, note when you feel HAPPY, make a low effort chart with checkboxes for every day/incident, short form journal, long form journal, make a drawing every day, take a picture every day--whatever is easy and you can look back on to actually assess if this relationship to this drug is doing something you actually want in your life.

WITHDRAWALS ARE REAL. If you're currently taking, have taken, or are considering neuroleptic medication: your experience when you first go off meds or miss a couple days Is NOT "who you are" or what you can expect from baseline w/o the meds. It is an EXTREMELY GNARLY WITHDRAWAL. There's an OK harm reduction guide to coming off psychiatric medication i can send a PDF to if anyone wants to dm me their email (the only actual link I've found for it is paid :/). It's more oriented to antipsych 101 than actual medical info/support but it's ok.

Consider: trying almost anything else before taking neuroleptic medication. There is not really anything that's guaranteed to make you stop hallucinating, which can suck. However; that doesnt mean you will forever feel like shit, or that you can't make changes such that hallucinations are either a lot less likely and/or a lot less intrusive. The now mostly-defunct mad liberation movement has generated a bunch of wonderful narratives and discourse around this topic i highly reccomend delving into to find ideas and practices that might be good. you can search for archives of "mad liberation" "psychiatric survivor" and "anti psychiatry movement" newspapers which are also just super cool to read; you can look up the archived old website for the Icarus Project (search "icarus project archive" sry I'm on mobile); and Project LETS is an extant us college-centric group that might have useful resources. On the materials and practices side:

I'm an herbalist so I'm p much always gonna head towards herbalism; but i think there's some real benefits here in that herbs are 1) cheap 2) not controlled substances (unless you're in aeoteroa, apparently?) 3) many have extremely low if nonexistent potential to cause withdrawal (notable exceptions: kratom, kava) 4) most are metabolized very quickly (within an hour) and wear off within several hours; giving you a large amount of flexibility and control, and 5) there's a lot of good evidence even if youre science-only (kinda an L but you do you.) The Psychpharmacology of Herbal Medicine by Marcello Spinella is a somewhat dated but solid source you can find a free pdf of by Googling or looking on libgen or Anna's archive; find preparation directions in James greens Home Medicine Makers Handbook available in the same databases. It is important when assessing chemical tools like this to think outside the box and more granularly about what kinds of effects might be beneficial situation to situation in Your Specific Life than seeking some sort of "herbal antispsychotic", which does not exist.

Other good options: ruling out vitamin B and D deficiencies, introducing variation in your life or making major life changes (that might sound weird but IMO, starting a long term relationship with a powerful, withdrawal causing psychoactive drug Is In Fact ALSO a major life change!), dropping shrooms or acid, literally just start walking around where you live and see where it takes you, stay at a friend's house for a little bit and learn to navigate a new environment, uhhh in the past when I've been super fucked up in my life I've Literally just gone to like dollar tree and gotten as many foods that I've never eaten before as possible and it helped a lot more than it might sound like it would

Like basically do whatever you want forever and if any of this sounds stupid or terrible like...don't do it... but don't let the establishment fool you into believing your options are suffer with drugs or suffer without them and DEFINITELY don't accept the narrative that it's better to be numb, miserable, and riddled with physiological side effects but managable-for-society than it is to feel alive while insane, abnormal, and unable to live a normative life.

what is your opinion on anti-psychotics then?

that's a misnomer; neuroleptic drugs don't combat a singular biological state of 'psychosis' because there is no such observed or biomarked state. neuroleptics don't have good evidence for their efficacy in actually improving patient outcomes, and are known to cause a range of serious short- and long-term (including permanent!) side effects ranging from metabolic dysregulation to movement disorders (neurological damage) to sedation (they have previously been known as 'major tranquilisers').

on principle i think people should be able to use psychoactive substances of their choosing; in practice i think this is basically a moot point in regards to neuroleptics because the side effects are so common and severe, and the benefits so minimal. these are drugs that continue to be popularly prescribed because they make patients more 'compliant' -- ie, because our current social–economic situation is so profoundly hostile to variation in perceptions of reality that we render people more 'functional' when dangerously medicated into submission.

i also collected a few readings on this here.

[traderdales]

You Literally Only Came Online When Discourse Started This Is Really Boring. I Thought You Did Lore Stuff. Unfollowing.

Oh my god wait come back because let's talk.

So obviously there's been a little Arcanenites drought (gary come home) but there's some things we can talk about! Probably won't go into detail about everything unless you all want to but let's talk about what YOU missed on Glee The Arcanenites.

#ALSOSPOILERSFORRECENTARCANENITESARC If you aren't caught up with the masquerade stop right here!

We good? Ok great!

Fenix hasn't been doing too hot. Our sweet fighter is in her struggle era, but you know what she had an incredible dress on while it was happening! I hope all of that will be delved into soon because we all hate to see her like this. I think we all feel like that way sometimes :( Glad Daezonik is always there for her :) (#daenix shippers stay winning)

Veks was joined by a new friend during the masquerade? :0 None of the Arcanenites caught sight of them but they were a pretty big help! They seem rather sneaky and it sounds like they had some powers of their own. Seems like it's being kept as a pretty tight secret between Izzy and Cadillac at the moment though so only time will tell us more. I've heard a lot of theories about who it might be but a lot of the theories are just jumbling together so we're not gonna dive into all that.

They went in for a heist and well, didn't get much at all. But they did get some trauma! Alto's death was a big moment for all of us, but luckily he got out safely... or so it seems? An angel giving him a second chance seems to come with a lot of implications and I personally have a hard time believing that he's getting out of that without any consequences. It might only be the calm before the second storm for Alto.

This is mostly just a sub-point but Naesandural kinda slayed let's be real. Up until...

The Ruby Fox. Yeah this is some serious shit I think. Bloodthirsty group of villains with a powerful magic item that gives them forbidden magic (whatever THAT means) and complete disregard for the lives of the innocent. Yikes. Doesn't seem like the Arcanenites will be dealing with that yet, but the players were pretty adamant about going back to that plotpoint eventually so it isn't the last we're hearing of that.

What the gang WILL be dealing with is what Fahlas and Ryn have going on in Zacor. Revolution arc much?

That's most of what happened here. Their story is only beginning so we have a lot to look forward to. See you all soon and if you've got any questions throw them at me baby, Lester's back!

[jiangwanyinscatmom]

This is a bit of a long rambly mess, but I just to vent somewhere! When I was at first getting annoyed at JC’s depictions, I thought fanon JC was painted as similar Mu Qing, right down to JC being given MQ’s secret care for children. But I then realized that even that comparison was inaccurate.

Even MQ apologizes (more than once across the story!), says that XL was right, and says he wants to be his friend. And if JC did that in most fics, that would at least be fine. But fans don’t even do the courtesy of giving JC that arc! Instead, it’s always JC being right -- whether about the GC transfer, or he’s suddenly become a person who’s willing to help the Wens and WWX is just a stupid idiot for doing it on his own -- and WWX has to admit that JC was right.

And where MQ becomes more comfortable with the fact that he used to be a servant, accepting and overcoming the insecurities, JC’s arc in fic could be learning to overcome his insecurities that WWX is better than him at many things even despite their class differences. But no, fanon JC has to be AMAZING at something, or even SEVERAL things, SO much BETTER at them than poor stupid WWX. That’s the BEST solution for Yunmeng bros reconciliation, obviously.

At this point, I honestly wish JC was actually given MQ’s character arc in more fics, because at least he could be said to have one, and not just have always been a perfect person, best brother, best jiujiu, bestest sect leader. Ugh.

It kind of feels like another side of purity culture from the people who should be against it. If JC and WWX reconcile,if JC loves WWX, then JC can’t have ever been a bad brother. Instead, it’s Wei Wuxian who has been the bad brother (the character who’s more easy to change since he a) has already gone through this characterization in all versions of the canon, so his development can be reversed for the fic and brought back up to speed by the end, and b) has actually had character growth, unlike JC, so it’s easier to write that growth). It’s Wei Wuxian who needs to change to match where JC is at. It’s fine if the “bad brother” is the character who tried to do good, but fucked it up because he “doesn’t know how to ask for help!” or “is too stupid to know other people care!” or whatever other excuse. That’s easy to fix! But it’s not fine when it’s the character who never really cared about people outside of his sect and is terribly low on empathy/mercy/compassion/caring. JC has to have been secretly good all along! He loves his brother, so obviously he never did anything terrible to him! Or to other people in the name of hating him! Love cannot be unhealthy or messy or crystalized over by and wrapped up in hate!

(I mean, if we’re comparing characters to JC, Severus Snape also has an unpleasant personality yet was actually revealed to not have been evil all along, and the discourse around him is more interesting than the stuff surrounding JC. It’s still often stupid discourse, but at least it’s based on evidence from the text and not a made up secret narrative where JC hasn’t been a bad person this whole time so fans can just make up whatever characterization they want.)

Instead of dealing with JC’s and WWX’s canon relationship and trying to find a way forward from where they left off in Guanyin Temple (if they’re ignoring the extras in MDZS, or going off CQL), fanon JC is just retroactively made into having always been a good person to justify the ease of their reconciliation.

And as someone who loves delving into fictional complex, complicated, messy, ugly relationships, I find it so...bland, boring, childish, and exhausting.

"As someone who loves delving into fictional complex, complicated, messy, ugly relationships, I find it so...bland, boring, childish, and exhausting."

Hello there anon, the above as well as what you said about reversing Wei Wuxian's character to be on par with how awful Jiang Cheng was to him is especially resonating. As a person Jiang Cheng himself for all intents was considered at least above average from the normal cultivators.

Yet his downfall always relied on his hate of Wei Wuxian (as a person, in talent, socially) it is a core part of his character that is woven into the work itself and the catalyst for Wei Wuxian's death itself. Jiang Cheng if anything, is coldly upfront on just why he refuses to help Wei Wuxian out of his predicament as well as framing Wei Wuxian. The text itself says he puts little fight in pretending to even speak for Wei Wuxian's behalf when Jin Guangshan begins to sully him and conspire about him wanting to be a sect leader. He is meant to be the complete contrast in Lan Wangji and Mianmian trying to speak for his good-will, in fact he contradicts this by saying that Wei Wuxian has always been tiresomely reckless and uncontrollable, something that holds little truth as Wei Wuxian worked in trust for Yunmeng Jiang's benefit for years. Their actions simply are not of comparable fault and the end of the work (in the least the novel) makes this message clear. Jiang Cheng, as a character, like MXTX said is a product of following what his environment made him as well as him putting no fight on his end to amend that to be better and learn. Love is very complicatedly explored in this work in all it's ways and that's what is very beautiful about it. It does not shy away from the forms it manifests in. Including Jiang Cheng's who at the base of it, the rivalry there was as much one-sided as Shu She's for Lan Wangji, the layers of irony are the best part of the novel for each of it's characters.

As for fandom. I do think a lot of it is petty stupid discourse (oh and I have never said I am particularly immune to it, I am far too sarcastic for my own good and have a bit of a loud mouth when I see something particularly ridiculous for this fandom and I do not know when to shut up my filter). But, so much of it is coated within personal resonance towards certain characters which leads to feeling personally hurt, especially when the block features exist on this site. Multiple tags have been implemented to block for this exact purpose, yet their comes the takes that you can not use these sarcastic tags that are blockable because "it's not the right ones". Fandom is ever shifting and as such it is curated as much as you want it to be. Being ordered to not use these tags or to avoid posting all together is a moot point as well as demanding others to read how you want them to, even when the work textually supports or does not certain interpretations. As lovely as the thought is that "all interpretations are valid", logically it does not work quite so well when you attempt to push that on so many others with little helpful evidence other than flimsy fanon popularity (Ron the Death Eater And Draco in Leather pants are infamous fandom tropes that are despised for reasons). JC is not a case of questionable good for selfish reasons as in the comparison to Snape, he is simply a show of selfishness who has an ambiguous opening to do better, in terms of those in the future. Too much clout though is put on that idea when the work itself is not shy to say real good, kind, supportive people are hard to come by.

[a-shakespearean-in-paris]

Why Cullen?

Today I bring you a post I’ve been in the process of mentally drafting for a while, a post that essentially analyzes the age old question in the Dragon Age fandom: Why is there always something with Cullen?

To do this, I am going to go through different “phases” of Cullen discourse. My thesis and answering the titular question: It’s complicated, and I don’t think I can answer “Why Cullen,” but “there’s sometimes recycled discourses made about his character through the years, maybe there’s a pattern.” When it comes to Cullen’s detractors, I understand the fact that it might be frustrating to see much content for someone so “boring” when there’s more “interesting” and “well done” characters (though interest is of course relevant) so it leads to a lot of vitriol from both new and old fans who think the man had too much screen time already. Furthermore, he is highly complicated man dressed as a Disney prince, and the “Disney-esque” feel of his romance creates a dissonance between coming to terms with his problematic past and reveling in the romanticism. We can have a happy medium everyone,  but because of what I can only describe as “tik tok thought” it’s become looked down upon to have problematic favorites, which leads to guilt in liking something problematic, or outright revisionism.

But liking things with problematic elements doesn’t make you a bad person.

Alright, let’s begin: 

The first phase truly began of course with DAO with Cullen’s crush on the female Circle Mage Warden. Some were endeared, others not so much. I cannot speak to this phase too much as I was around 15-16 and pretty preoccupied with my high school drama instead of fandom, though I played both DAO and DA2 upon it’s release and followed updates for DA2 before it came out. Despite not being an active fandom member I was what they would call, a lurker. I knew some people liked Cullen and thought he was cute, wishing for more screen time after the game and hoping he’d be in DAI through IMDB message boards (remember those?) and YoutTube comments. When news broke he’d be an advisor in DAI and a romance option, I remember seeing a lot of people in those same spaces rejoice. I’m sure there were also people who weren’t so pleased, but from what I saw, people were happy. When Inquisition did release, I actually did quite a bit more lurking on tumblr despite the fact I didn’t have a blog, because I played the romance route, really gravitated toward it, and wanted to see fanart and such. People liked the romance, liked his arc and how Bioware handled his struggles with lyrium; and found it realistic. Even in my lurking days I did see some blowback on Cullen from detractors, those who didn’t think he should have been the military advisor (which canonically it makes total sense to me why he’s where he’s at, but I won’t get into it here however.) But likely because I wasn’t fully “in fandom,” my surface level understanding of how tumblr felt about Cullen was relatively positive and there was only standard fare discourse.

Phase 2: I can speak about this phase better because I established this blog in 2017. Two years after DAI was released, you still had a lot of fans who loved his romance and character, but you also saw a lot of those fans really dive into his flaws, insisting even that just focusing on the Disney Prince aspects of him reduced his character. There were also more internal debates. Would realistically Cullen be a good father was one. One thing however was for sure, there was a strange them and us line between detractors and fans, and to many fans, myself included, oftentimes the Cullen blowback would extend beyond the valid, “hey I don’t think his characterization was handled well” or “his redemption arc isn’t that great” to outright vitriolic hate that blatantly ignored his PTSD and lyrium addiction, and even sometimes “you just like Cullen because he’s white.” As a POC fan it was a fantastic thing to be accused of. I used to be more involved with discord during this period and I remember a few discussions about this as well. Even those indifferent to Cullen didn’t get it.

Overall, I have to say the air was one where people in Cullen fandom enjoyed all aspects of him, from delving into this troubled past to indulging in the Disney prince aspects of him. It was a happy medium I think, even if occasionally I would see a Cullen fan feel bad for liking him, and feel like they needed to justify it. Heck I even did and still do feel that way sometimes, like I need to justify what I like. But we all come into fandom for different reasons. I come into fandom some days for different things. Sometimes I want smut with my favorite character, other times I want more intense thought pieces and challenging fics. Great thing about fandom is that it’s a bakery that has cherry tarts, cinnamon rolls, or all kinds of pie depending on your mood. Craving a different sweet treat, you can make your own. Or you can commission an artist or writer for something you fancy.

*(sexual assault mentions here late in the paragraph****)And now I’ve been warped back into Cullen/DA fandom through what I am calling phase three, where the general air on Cullen reads as….very different. After having one foot outside DA fandom for a while coming back and reading the air has been different. There was the bizarre nuggetgate and other things with Cullen. Now, instead of accepting his flaws and exploring him there seems to be a lot of revisionism going on, as if his past never happened or we’re supposed to ignore he was a templar. A sexually active Cullen is looked down upon but in a different way from before. Instead of smut works with him “reducing his complicated character.” it’s distasteful to write smut with him where he’s sexually dominant or even just a lot of smut because he was sexually assaulted. (***Now, it is implied that he was, if you are a female Circle mage in DAO, with “sifting through my thoughts, tempting me with the one thing I always wanted but could never have” but this is an implication. I will be honest, it is what I have implied. However, it’s not there if you’re not a female Mage. He was however canonically sexually harassed in the Winter Palace, something I will always argue, even if canon treats it like a joke, even if Leliana tells him to “just look pretty.” Just because he is a man doesn’t make it funny that someone grabbed his bottom, and if you take Cole he flat out says “Cullen is afraid.”***)

So here I am, wondering what changed and what’s going on. Here’s what I believe: Cullen is a complicated character and his flaws and his past make him interesting to me, and they are interesting to explore. However there is nothing wrong with wanting to just explore a romantic, sexual Cullen. He’s a character with many facets. He’s romantic, determined, nostalgic, stubborn, unrelenting, loyal, driven, all things that made him seem so real. Here we get to my theory: in today’s media “criticisms” I see people—particularly younger people—beat themselves up for liking something problematic. It’s like every time you engage with media that’s potentially problematic you have to write essays to yourself why it is so and hold yourself accountable. I see this on tik-tok a lot and why I refer to it as “tik tok thought.” Look at the way some young Hamilton fans talk about the musical, or heck even here, and you may see what I mean. It’s like if you don’t acknowledge the problematic aspects of the historical figures behind their fictional portrayals in the show you’re a bad person. Same thing with nostalgic Disney fans my age in younger, if you don’t clown on Ariel for “choosing a man over anything” (SHE LIKED THE SURFACE WORLD BEFORE SHE MET ERIC) you don’t get your brownie points.

I want to make it clear: being critical of media is good. I am glad I see young people and people my age think about the messages we are given in media, but somehow this is turned into ANALYZE EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME. Ya’ll I’m a grad student. I’m critical most of the time, when I come to my tumblr blog’s lawn I’m here mostly to have some fun, and hey sometimes my fun is being critical. But sometimes it isn’t. You do not have to always be critical. You do not have to beat yourself up for liking something that’s problematic or write an essay about why it is as if that’s your due diligence in stanning a fictional character. I’m going to be honest I used to kind of think I had to justify my likes once, especially because of the Cullen vitriol on tumblr. I worked overtime in my early fanfic efforts to try to prove to the world I knew Cullen was problematic for fear I’d be perceived as just an idiot horny fangirl. Well, let me tell you: I largely don’t think that way anymore. If I want to just enjoy writing some smut or reading some smut with him, I am. But I think there is a second part of this in Cullen fandom currently, a revisionism of his problematic elements. Now, if you have to do mental gymnastics with a character in an effort to ignore problematic elements, perhaps you don’t like the character that much. That’s totally okay. DA has many awesome characters to write about and stan.

So, why Cullen? For so many reasons a bit of a shit show has always followed this character. There’s a divide between fans and his detractors and sometimes there’s a divide within the Cullen fandom. What I can extrapolate for now is the need to keep him squeaky clean and safe and away from anything “problematic” because his of past, his templar roots, or the fact that he’s white when there are POC characters with less content. It reads as a guilt associated with liking him. But please, do not be guilty. He’s not real. Templars aren’t real, mages aren’t real, Cullen isn’t real. Here’s my advice, something I learned while in my directing class in college. What my teacher always said was direct what turns you on, direct a story that gets you thinking, gets you excited. What gets you thinking and excited in a fictional world may be tons of conflict and dramatics, or it may be peace and love. Sometimes it can be both or more. Don’t shame others for coming to a bakery and wanting blueberry when you want cherry, and the baker has both, especially if the baker labels each pie, especially if the recipe for the pie has some salt in it and people like the salt. We can have it all and enjoy it all. What we want in our fiction doesn’t always align with something we may want real life. Lots of people write Modern girl in Thedas stories. Ya’ll if that actually happened to one of us it would probably suck. I’d probably get killed and not even get to meet Cullen and pose around the desk to get things going, so I’d rather it not happen. However, it is fun to read about.

Again, don’t be guilty for liking Cullen, please. But if you have to do a lot of mental gymnastics to like Cullen, maybe you don’t like him at all. To that I say, there are many other amazing characters, or perhaps you could write your own.

[autumnrory]

"then once i started seeing some posts that got into the issues with peggy’s character post endgame, that was mentioned and it’s like oh yeah that really was on her, she was in charge, she made that choice even if it’s not explicitly said" -> YUP. i saw ppl say it was just misogynist stuckes complaining. No, it's because ENDGAME ITSELF SHOWED US THAT SHE WORKED AT A QUASI-FASCISTIC BLACK SITE W ZOLA *RIGHT THERE* IN THE 70s (also it's harder to stomach intelligence agency propaganda these days).

ppl calling ANY criticism of a woman (real or not) misogynistic really does not help when trying to call out actual instances of misogyny skjdfjs i hate it y’all there are valid criticisms especially in this case

like i said in my post i’d never seen people talk about it before and like a lot of my views on peggy and her relationship with steve were based on the way like most fanfiction i’ve read framed it (that hydra infiltrating shield was something terrible that happened to her organization, not something that she caused and that she and steve had a Grand And Tragic Love Story, not just. crushes on each other)

but the thing is reading all that fanfiction isn’t a thing that applies to a lot of fans so i don’t know how THEY buy into these narratives because it’s not really what marvel was telling us. sure, we were reminded multiple times over the years of peggy’s existence, but the word love was never used, not that it HAD to be, but the only instance was agent carter, which was also as stupid as endgame saying it but at least agent carter was like, following the loss of steve so you could understand overdramatizing things and her calling him the love of her life, even though he wasn’t a love at all lmao. like post catfa, and even catfa itself, the mcu does not go on about this Tragic Romance, it’s like barely touched on that steve and peggy had this almost relationship, really, until endgame hits you over the head with it, so they can justify their bad ending. so why do fans believe it makes sense??? literally everything that makes peggy and steve’s relationship a bigger deal than it was is fanon, the mcu itself didn’t really do that. it’s why at the time i thought steve/sharon was so much weirder bc i bought into this from all the fic i read and now i’m like......yeah, idt they needed to write peggy and sharon as related to begin with, BUT it’s not actually that icky bc he and peggy didn’t date, she really kinda was “just a woman he kissed one time” no offense lmao

and re: peggy bringing in zola and how fic frames it like, “oh man how terrible” as if she isn’t responsible, i have to wonder if the mcu would’ve delved into any sort of blame if we’d gotten an actual cap 3 that followed up with the events of catws, i mean probably not, especially not by 2016 bc wasn’t that around the time disney bought marvel and like.......everything went downhill. i mean i know these superhero movies were always gonna have a certain narrative about the military and intelligence agencies but it sure seems to have gotten worse when disney came on

idk i’m rambling but yeah like, i do get how a lot of fans don’t acknowledge peggy’s flaws bc i myself hadn’t thought about any of it before or seen any of the discourse surrounding her character, really, but it’s just kind of like, like you said, they just think it’s stuckies being misogynistic or whatever, but once you see the conversation being had, how can you just brush it off and act like she can’t be criticized, she brought zola in, *steve voice* peggy, you CHOSE to do that, it’s literally her fault hydra took over lmao

[lowkeyorloki]

'ascent to god king' we love a loki series reference😏😏

seeing as ur literally my fav loki fic author (and a big fan of loki discourse/conversation) it would be v. cool to have your thoughts/opinion on ep. 1 of the show :')

Anonymous said: Heeey, I was wondering how you felt about the way Loki was presented on the first episode, I know it might be too early to take any definitive conclusion, but I felt they dumbed the character down a bit and he was reacting to everything in a way that didnt feel authentic, almost cartoonish, idk, even if it was for the sake of making people laugh, I though in ragnarok Loki's portrayal was more on point. I did enjoy myself though, so I'll keep watching, but that one thing was hard to ignore.

~

I'm so flattered to be your fav Loki author ty king 😏 I'm v happy you noticed my subtle Loki series reference. I thought the dialogue in ep1 was top notch (I liked "this is fine Asgardian leather!!!1!" as well) and that quote "ascent to god king" was so badass and dumbass at the same time I had to express my love for it.

Honestly, I loved the show. First, Loki looks cute in his lil jumpsuit. Second, I think the show looks stunning, and I appreciate the quick beginning to everything (whenever I watch shows, I skip the pilot because I hate setup. Clearly I did not do this for the Loki show and I'm very content with that!). Also, for anyone wondering why I decided to watch after around six months of saying I wouldn't... a Loki friend told me it was good so I trusted them, lmao.

To answer the other anon's question, I don't think they dumbed Loki down. After watching the show, I talked to a friend for a little bit about how absolutely terrifying the idea of the TVA is. I couldn't even think about the idea of every single aspect of my life being planned, plotted, and out of my control. Loki is facing that in real time. If you really sit down and think about the concept of the TVA and this notion that you have literally no control in your life because it's all already planned for you, you're going to be shocked and confused. I think because this is a tv show that might be hard to grasp, but considering that is what Loki grapples with in the episode, I don't think he acts dumb at all. I think he's in shock. I would be too. Like, he is literally discovering that even though he has free will and thought, it doesn't matter because there is a group of higher beings (and remember, Loki operates under the assumption that's basically what Asgardians are) decides how his life will turn out. That's fucking insane. Being sentient but lacking control is a literal nightmare situation. I think it's only natural Loki is caught off guard.

As the angst lover I am, I adored the scenes with Mobius. He really dug into Loki, and as hard as that is for Loki as a character, it's amazing to watch as an audience member. When he said Loki was created so others could unlock the best versions of themselves... that is so devastating. My mind was reeling. There is so much analysis to be done for that line alone. (Also, Owen Wilson?????????)

Honestly, I have no qualms. I think the show is going to be great, but I also won't be surprised if this first episode ends up being my personal favorite. I like delving into the way characters perceive themselves and the way they are perceived, and that's exactly what the pilot was. I feel like Loki was held accountable for his actions while still being given the opportunity to not be "reset" and I'm excited to see how the dynamic between Loki and Mobius progresses.

Also, Casey could have defeated Thanos.

[flameohotwife]

Anons like those make me get scared to get involved in fandom. I love your stories and you seem happy in the Avatar fandom. Can you share tips not to get targeted by weird gross people?

Oh, anon. First, thank you for reading my stories! But yeah, fandom can be a scary place to delve into before you know anyone. It was about this time last year that I went from lurking in fandom, to sending people like @itsmoonpeaches and @vanillabutspicy anon asks, after lurking on tumblr and ao3 and ffn reading their stories (and the stories of many, many others) for a long long time. I always found what they had to say on both kataang and the discourse to be thoughtful and respectful and interesting. Vanilla eventually encouraged me to join fandom in a more active way, and I got tumblr (among other things). I think lurking around and finding people you agree and feel comfortable with, and then forming relationships with them first, is certainly one way to avoid uncomfortable encounters, but there are others I’m sure, too! I’ve never gotten hate on my fics or in my inbox (though I’ve definitely gotten discourse!) but I know if I did there are people who would support me and back me up, and that really helps I think in terms of feeling brave enough to put yourself out there. Ultimately I know that we write for ourselves and not for an audience, but also it is such a vulnerable act to pour so much of your soul into something and then put it up for others to see. Sending you hugs as you straddle this fandom line and make your decisions, but also know that my inbox and my dms are open if you want to chat further! I hope you find the right corner of fandom for you, anon ❤️

[mc-critical]

Something I can never bring myself to understand is the MY fandom’s seeming obsession with *proving* Mahidevran or Hürrem as the more morally correct, more noble, more respect-worthy etc sultana. Or measuring whose actions and beliefs were the most justifiable or who suffered the most unfortunate circumstances. It seems to completely ignore the fact that most characters in the franchise, sans a small handful of characters, fall into the category of morally questionable or ambiguous. I feel like both Mahidevran and Hürrem are both victims to the same terrible circumstances and the enviornment in which they both lived and were forced to adapt to was a catalyst to a lot of their deplorable actions and beliefs. They both came to the palace as concubines with no family nor money to their names (I can’t recall if this was held consistent in the TV series for Mahidevran’s case or not but I know this is the case for her historically as well), both of them had their worth and their livelihood tied to their ability to produce princes and please the Sultan (who will take any opportunity to remind these women that they are a mere piece of property to him anytime they attempt to assert themselves in any way.) Then there’s the looming threat of the principle of fratricide that basically haunted them throughout the entirety of their motherhood. I’m in no way saying the immoral decisions they made was justifiable or somehow okay (Mahidevran killing Mehmet, Hürrem killing Mustafa, etc.) I just feel that there’s a lot of black-and-white thinking at play whenever the Mahi/Hürrem discourse comes up. What do you think?

Thank you for bringing this up, because it's probably the thing that bugs me the most about this fandom (outside of Tumblr currently). You voiced my overall thoughts into words so well!

I think these double standarts come from many places that can be both the only reasons for a person or just one of the many. In my experience, this "black or white", "all or nothing" attitude stems from the absolutist belief that people should pick sides and root for only one character (usually the protagonist) in a narrative. They're using the standard, superficial narrative roles of the protagonist and the antagonist in terms of Hürrem, thinking that for some reason the protagonist is always morally right in all she does, simply because she's the protagonist and we're supposed to unconditionally root for her. And if they don't like the protagonist, they choose root for "the other side" instead. They're better than that anyway, so of course, we should root for them!!

To be honest, the earlier seasons of the show make an attempt in justifying this assessment, with them having the narrative voice be rooted in Hürrem's favor, despite of all possible problematic actions that tell a different story altogether. MC Hürrem was given very understandable and sympathetic motivations, thorough character exploration, gradual character development and the privilege of far too obvious Plot Armor (make no mistake, every historical figure in the show has Plot Armor, but with the many attempts at her life, Hürrem's in particular, was way too glaring at points, sometimes to a ridiculous degree.) and the writers making her enemies doom themselves by their own failings, with her seemingly only enduring the "charade". (Valide's flanderization post-E38 is the most egregious example of this.) People I've encountered that are excusing Hürrem's behavior, are citing precisely the first episodes to present their arguments, often refusing to go beyond that. Mahidevran's motivations, while as nuanced as Hürrem's, don't seem as delved into in comparison at first (the origins and backstory of MC Mahidevran are shrouded in ambiguity, and while this is thematically appropriate for her character arc, as I explained here, it definetly doesn't help her case in bringing in more vocal sympathy.) and it could seem that her character is simply antagonistic to Hürrem, doesn't go anywhere and later revels in the depths of her ambition and wounded pride earlier than Hürrem began that similar development of hers. Some Mahi stans could see that probable difference of treatment in narrative and support her simply because of that, as well.

Assessing moral ambiguity isn't all that easy in the grand scheme of things, but it especially falls short when the narrative voice seemingly doesn't support it at first. But many miss that there's a very thin line between the actions and the narrative voice, that only turns into a very deep incongruity as the series progresses. I don't know, perhaps determing the moral ambiguity is indeed so complex, confusing and conflicting, since the whole story could get too complex and many might wonder who they'll root for now when everyone is so problematic. And that's a show that began as a simple soap opera, no less! Why would they even put in the effort in this case?

Not many people are used to ambiguous and questionable character development and are still trying to prove that there is one main positive characters in the show, which is why they try to make Mahidevran or Hürrem more morally right and justifiable than they actually are. They are so passionate about the debates they engage in, because this time period and MC is truly so ripe in analysis and it could be very fun to figure out where these characters come from and go through their 4-seasons long evolution in one chosen context, but by doing this, they so often miss the depth and nuance of the subject at hand and it all turns into a one-sided discourse that drives me nuts.

There is a historical context of the issue is also important to note, in my opinion. Both Mahidevran and Hürrem are historical figures and quite a bit of facts and deeds of theirs are now widely known. Most people in the fandom have opinions of them in advance or could've gained opinions of them a while after they began to watch the show. (There are also numerous fictional interpretations of the events during Süleiman's reign and the players in it, which may also play a part in the overall judgement.) Either way, the known historical facts about them (and other fictional interpretations one could've read, of course) could influence their points of view by a certain amount and use these general impressions to present them while analyzing the characters in the show. I've heard numerous arguments that this Hürrem isn't like the Hürrem the history knows about, that she isn't "their" Hürrem and what they read about her isn't depicted all that much in the show, which takes a lot away, according to them. I especially hate when they call MC Hürrem a one-dimensional "evil" caricature that only has vileness and smug about her, no conscience, no complexity whatsoever. (no, MC Hürrem isn't as simplistic and is much deeper and more nuanced. As far as fictional interpretations go, what they're describing is Hürrem in "The Sultan's Harem" from Colin Falconer, not MC Hürrem! In the MC/K franchise's terms, all they're doing is reducing her to the level of MCK Turhan Sultan, which is disrespectful to this character, to say the least. Turhan is the exact thematic contrast to Hürrem smh while Falconer's Hürrem is the most absurdly evil caricature imaginable, at least IMO, please and thank you!) Or even more unbelievably and outright hilariously, considering Hürrem's actions and the Sultanate of Women overall the downfall of the Ottoman Empire o.o and that's why Hürrem is so ruthless, so cruel, always intentionally, of course. This is plain ridiculous. Mahidevran, on the other hand, is presented by this clique as her "victim", as a completely innocent victim that had everything taken away from her. That Hürrem had stood between her and Süleiman and "ruined" their family. This take ignores every other factor of this falling out (Süleiman, that is) and a part of the nuance of Mahidevran's character. Reducing her to a simple "victim" doesn't cut it at all. Conversely, we have fans that simplify MC Mahidevran's character beyond every belief, loving the historical figure, but claiming they made her an "evil" and "stupid" bitch that cries and whines all the time. It's limiting and one-sided and even if it appears so, there are way far more layers to her character, that develop consistently throughout the narrative. The historical context of the time period itself is usually brought up in the debates, too, justifying whoever they want to justify by "It's a war, only the strongest ones survive!" or "You eat or get eaten! We should understand their time period, not judge by our contemporary times !", which is understandable and valid, but the only thing they end up doing is applying this logic only to their preferred characters when it should be applied to everyone. They try their best efforts to make one more morally right than the other, but they continually fail in the process, because the metric they judge them from is plagued by double standarts.

I wholeheartedly agree with you that excusing one of them, but not the other for most situations is wrong, because Mahidevran and Hürrem.... aren't all that different. What most people seem to miss, is that their character arcs are so contrastingly paralleling, because both of their endings were far from victorious and they got it for the exact same character reason, gained in a different way and in a different time. The persistent insistence of the fandom wanting a main character necessarily having a triumphant grand finale fails flat immediately, because there is no true victory in the franchise. They also miss the negative character development of both of them, them having to do the exact same stuff in many instances, both of them letting go of their pasts and/or former attachments, becoming vicious and ruthless in order to adapt to the circumstances, both of them had to make moves out of desperation because they felt threatened and they both protected their lives and the ones of their children at the end of the day. Heck, they're way more alike than they're different in my book. There is no morally right, no more noble here. Both of them had no qualms to do whatever it took to secure their own future and as you said, the narrative presented very neat motivations for them to do so as a whole. There is always a shade of grey and yes, who has the lighter shade of gray could be up for debate due to differing sympathies and perceptions, but that mustn't stop people to at least try looking at the "bigger picture" and try to view their characters with a bit more criticality, depth and respect.

Rooting for both conflicting sides is still seen as questionable and contradictory by some, but there really is nothing wrong with exploring their motivations without justifying them, no matter where your sympathies extend. I think it creates a more unbiased outlook on the both these characters and the themes around them and it's always awesome to see people doing that in any fandom, really.

And both Sultanas are worthy of respect, I said what I said.