#I hate being alive sometimes
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when u don't feel like talking to anyone cause u might say the wrong thing cause ur in a bad mood lmao
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woke up at 3 and couldn’t go back to sleep now i’m here reheating a piece of fucking pizza to prevent wailing with pain at 6 in the morning
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May I ask what were the best transformers media you ever saw/read?
Well Transformers Prime, Transformers 1986 and IDW comics are having the first place that’s for sure
And then the second place is kind of shared by Fall of Cybertron, Exodus, Prime wars trilogy, Robots in disguise(2001) and Transformers One.
The third place goes to G1, Animated, Earthspark, Armada, War for Cybertron Netflix series, Aligned Robots in disguise, Bumblebee, Rise of the Beasts and Cyberverse because I only liked some little parts of them.
And then I also saw some of the Bay movies, Victory and Headmasters and didn’t like them at all.
Separate first place for J-Decker. It is not exactly Transformers but it is a show about giant robots and I loved it

#call me weird for placing cheap ugly shows above Earthspark and Animated#but the thing is#I have when the whole narrative revolves around human kids#*hate#I’m allergic to them#Prime wars trilogy had one of the worst face rigs I ever saw#but it also had Overlord teaming up with evil Rodimus and Megatron being funniest mf alive#Armada is straight up infuriating imma be honest#Armada is like#Au where all the weapons work only once and then just create some glitter#I actually have SO many thoughts on Armada. like. as a writer#the way they keep reusing the same plot 3000 times is borderline impressive#OH War for Cybertron from Netflix was such an experience!#It was so painfully boring and stupid sometimes#but the other times. ooooouuufff. The scene where some nameless decepticon gives Megatron a little tour to show him how him and his friends#-work so hard for the cause??? THAT SHIT HIT HARD#….also I pretty much only like the Quintesson apocalypse arc from the entire Cyberverse#Transformers Victory is fun until you actually hear them speaking#the concept of Star Saber adopting a human child and raising him and then#going to human school as his legal guardian being like ‘yeah sure I can sign all your tiny ass documents’#it’s hilarious but unfortunately all the writers of that anime were snorting cocaine because WHY all the characters talk like that#Animated was fun for me only near the end. Idk what to say. I’m not a fan of any drama centered around humans#things got interesting when Cybertronian government got involved#Earthspark is WHOLE giant topic ahahah. I liked Twitch. sometimes. I also liked Grimlock while he had voice lines. Prowl was fun.#everything else needs and essay haha I don’t wanna annoy anyone#OH I also watching Tf Cybertron right now and this shit is UGLY. they have NO RIGS. THEY HAVE ONE EXPRESSION EACH#but for some fucked up reason I love it. they got the guy named Landmine who only can have (-_-) face.#their Megatron actually respects Starscream so far and regularly gives him positive reinforcement??? I heard words ‘excellent job Starscrea#and went WAIT WHAT#Anyway. If you ask me to ramble about media you get a word tsunami. I have a lot to share
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for the record. i think it's like. okay to be annoying. you're gonna be annoying sometimes. it comes free with being a human fucking being. it shouldn't be the end of the world when someone says "hey this thing you did kind of annoyed me. you don't need to stop doing it just know that I'm not gonna interact w it much" like. that seems like a reasonable thing to me. everyone (yes, even your friends) have pet peeves that sometimes you will set off. this is fine and it will not ruin a friendship unless you. like. make it a bigger deal than it needs to be, because thats when things tend to get ugly and bad. not everyone is gonna like everything you do and that's fine? not everyone has to be so enthusiastically hyped for things that you like. you'll never be happy if you start thinking like that.
#like..no im not mad at you no i dont hate you i just found this one thing you did kind of annoying. thats like a normal part of being alive.#some ppl have never had siblings and it shows. i think.#<< this post has been in yhe drafts for months but im seeing a huge uptick in 'everyone is mad at me' posts#and im still pmsed as fuck which means i feel less bad about posting potentially mean things.#also potentially a red flag for me but as history shows i Am a terrible person to be friends with:#like. i dont think anyone Owes You an explanation for when theyre annoyed/mad at you.#sometimes a guy just needs to feel their feelings and being asked to explain those feelings only serves to exacerbate the issue#and make things worse for everyone. its like when youre in the middle of doinf chores and your mom tells you to go do your chores.#anyway. just my two cents#fact of the matter is i think “yes i am annoyed at you. no this isnt the end of the world for our friendship#but freaking out about it directly to me in my dms is eroding away at that fact#because i shouldnt have to. like. not feel an emotion because it might make you feel bad?“ should be a valid thing to say.#i feel a similar way about like... needing to be included in everything. like.#people NEED to start being okay with being left out of things sometimes. not everything is about you !!!!#sometimes your friends have hobbies and interests that will not include you and thats fine !!!!!!
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I love the idea that, whenever a Cybertronian space-faring vessel lands or docks within a predominantly non-Cybertronian space station or port, that it's required that they either confirm or deny whether their vessel is sentient or not before being permitted to land.
1. For proper accommodation and clarification, along with the chance for communication between the vessel and crews working the station/port.
2. Because there has been... incidents... incidents that have led to the requirement of the above reasons.
#an irate dreadnought with a brain and very big feelings could wreak all sorts of havoc on an unprepared station unfortunately#also. itd be a bit shocking to be just some guy working the fuel station. idly complimenting a shiny cruiser only for it to say 'thanks <3'#transformers#maccadam#tf idw#tf worldbuilding#???#i mean. yeah. its technically world building. we dont see much of that kinda stuff#but im sure as hell thinking about it rn#i love wacky sci fi worldbuilding. theres not enough of it on a broader galactic scale in tf sometimes#like. they mention other aliens and hubs in a few continuities i think. but then they only do so much with it#outside of crossovers ig#idk. i just like thinking of how beings other than humans perceive cybertronians and the colonists#like. they're new to humans. usually. but theyve had other alien neighbors for millions of years#transformers surely are quite talked about on a broader galactic scale. and obv taken into consideration either for good or bad#they're nigh immortal. they're constantly fighting each other and dying. they're peacekeepers. they're warlords. they're big. they're small#they're fucking weird. and somehow end up all over the place#they hate your kind. they love your kind. they think you're disgusting. they're offering to be your car#how many citizens of their galaxy nervously attempt to politely ask a vehicle if its alive or not on a daily bases in popular hubs/stations#its so funny to me#also. thinking about fic stuff relating to idw1. and like. all the background aliens and their factions fascinate me a bit. its fun inspo#mtmte#lost light#nearly forgot those. since other aliens and factions are featured in them a bit#slowly getting through robots in disguise rn. and all the nail stuff got me thinking about neutrals finding homes amongst other aliens#also like. some of the darker stuff thats mentioned about cybertronians being sold or indentured. like. hows that viewed broadly?
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but when they're out on that river bank alone, what javier should be loyal to doesn't feel as confusing anymore
#also known as 'he wants so badly to run away with his boyfriend and marry him and live happily ever#after'#but his commitment to dutch and the gang breaks his heart#i want them to be happy SO BAAAD SO BAD IM GOINGN TO THROW YP#also the top right one comes w a headcanon#which is that kieran can only bathe if javier is there (and only javier) because otherwise he's too terrified of being k*lled for either bei#ng trans or just in general because he's alone#so that's why he's usually stinky#he really hates being stinky but he doesn't consider it worth dying over#anyway i love them so bad and their little fishing dates#kieran infodumps the whole time and javier feels so lucky to be alive because he knows kieran doesn't talk around anyone else near as much#if at all#javier knows 99% of the fish knowledge but he never interrupts and is always happy to listen to kieran yap about every other topic too#i need to put javi in an 'i ❤️ my autistic boyfriend' shirt#ok i'll shut up now#also i know this composition looks like total shart i'm literally the worst at doing them </3 be nice to me#rdr2#red dead redemption 2#kieran duffy#javier escuella#javieran#am i allowed to say that i own this ship#considering i literally made it LOL i feel so proud even tho it also makes me miserable that i bascially have no one to talk to abt them#image#art#hero draws sometimes
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the ultimate goalpost-mover says she loves you very much.
#she's temperamental and takes non-slights personally and hates your father#and sometimes when she doesn't eat she insists you can't eat#and when she does eat,and when she does eat,she insists you should.#she expects you to be everything you had ever promised. she expects good grades and a postgraduate degree and she insists you get up now.#she insists you give up warmth and comfort and safety for her sake. she expects you to plunge and crush your bones#against a cliff on the way. she expects you to stay up all night - she says you must be a researcher and an artist and an investor#and the most eligible lover and she says it won't be enough. she looks at you with all the kindness of a mother#or a very angry cardiac surgeon and explains how you Must be enough. she says let me hold you. you hit the ground crawling and now#i need you to stumble up and move. be clumsy but move. and then walk. and then sprint to where i stand. she expects you to finish#the thousand-page-long book on mathematics in a maximum of two years. she demands competence at archery and toned muscles#she demands time for her and time for your friends. she threatens often. she says i'll leave you and there is no getting me back.#you won't be sorry enough. you want to kill me? that's what i thought. one day she's pacing agitated#and she says i'm going to leave this dead fucking country. somewhere in mainland europe god i dont know- i dont know where. and so you must#learn to stand after weeks of rot and order up and think of where she can live and how to get you there.#she says im sorry for being so harsh to us when we were a child. so i say it too.#she says i'll be alive only if you let me live so i say it too. she says i believe in you and i ask her why and she shuts me up.#she says get up. run the counterfactuals so vivid you that each part of me becomes a notion in your mind clear and distinct and bloody#and then you'll owe me good. none of this is for you.#she says run baby give me everything you are everything between your ribs and so i say it too.#she says give me everything and i have to oblige.
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i do think its a little funny that somehow mad astra is one of like 2 showtime characters who has absolutely no identity issues whatsoever
#null havoc damage#nebula m78#ultraman showtime#per astra ad coronam#like despite it all. all of his actions are 100% his own and he has no real qualms with that#the being keeping him alive has no interest in manipulating him because studying him is more fascinating#so its letting him do whatever he wants with its infinite powers. and sometimes he wants to kill people#like astra does have opinions on The World and Events In His Life. but his personal identity is just not relevant to the heros journey#even his hatred of being Leos Brother isnt hatred for himself its hatred for leo#i just think its more interesting .#and tregears attitude of ‘everyone secretly hates themself’ has him like ? well ive never experienced that at all
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love how the older skaters in the senior division give Yurio encouragement and that each time it pisses Yurio off. JJ is intentionally condescending so that makes sense, but with Viktor and Yuuri they're not even being condescending. Yurio's just dialed in on being a hater... and i love that for him <3
#'plot twist i LOBV you' -Yuuri#'i am going to skin you alive' -Yurio#yuri on ice#sometimes he is a teenager#he's got so much fury in his tiny body. and yet he is also just an earnest lad. i find him sooo funny silly#which he would hate me for!!#I recall a meta post about Otabek being the first one to verbally recognize how hard Yurio devotes himself to skate and I really dig that#like I think Yurio's frustration is justifiably rooted in how little others take him seriously despite his life-consuming dedication#I DO think he is over the top and i enjoy this; for it is entertaining.#but i also think his feelings are genuine and he is a complex little guy.#i'm thinking of him sharing his grandpa's food with Yuuri and being emotionally vulnerable with him at the waterfall#Yurio is a hater on his opponents (and Viktor) but I think on some level he recognizes the genuine care Yuuri+Viktor show him#I think Yurio doesn't understand how they can be encouraging to him while also taking him seriously#Cuz Yurio is so wary of his elders dismissing him#so older skaters being friendly translates in his head as 'they dont think i can beat them / they dont see me as an equal'#But I think when these relationships are removed from that competitive atmosphere Yurio DOES see how they care and he appreciates it.#It would be so sweet to see an older Yurio reflect on this time and realize that Viktor + Yuuri + others DID take him seriously#and just because they were fond of him it doesnt mean they didnt appreciate his talent.#tbh being a young athlete must be such a mindfuck and idk how these bitches do it. send tweet#yuri plisetsky#yoi meta#queue#my words#AWW right after writng this i watched the part where Yurio starts yelling encouragement to Yuuri#who internally tells himself 'i got more stamina than that fuckin Yurio mf' (paraphrasing lol)#they switched love languages <3 cheerleader & hater role reversal
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One more thought before I attempt to go to bed. It makes me so happy that people seem to Really like plastiscene and support me and Zooble being together <:]
#I'll be honest I'm surprised I haven't face any harrasment for this particular self ship#< especially considering it's basically an irl relationship for me#but I am so thankful for all yhe support!!! everyone's so nice to meeeee <:]#this self ship is Very important to me and is helping me heal from my trauma#if there's one thing I've learned from self shipping with Zooble it's that there Are people who like me#I spent so long being terrified that everyone secretly hated me and would leave me given the chance#and I spent so long feeling like I was the most unlovable person alive#but then I started self shipping with Zooble and I like. felt more loved than I had ever felt with my ex friend#and I was terrified at first because the thought of falling in love again after a the pain from the last time was too much for me#but I'm So much more happy than I think i've ever been#and I've met so many wonderful people through my self ship with them!!!#I might not be fully healed but I'm way better than before#even if i do struggle sometimes I'm always reminded that Zooble still loves me and wants to be there for me#even if it's just something as simple as them popping into my head it helps#I truly don't know where i'd be without them. i love them so much and I'm thankful I decided to self ship with them <3#and I'm so thankful that people like my self ship with them#okay i had way more to say than I thiught I did lol
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Hey mate, why are you attracted to the rabbit man? The green one. What is interesting about him to you? I've been curious (and slightly afraid) for a while and thought I'd ask.
alright tldr; he is a combination of all of my favorite things in media when it comes ta a character. hes a monster, hes a dilf, hes a bunny, hes got a nice voice, hes evil, hes a robot, hes interesting ta me beyond a simp level which really sells it i think (or its the bunny thing i really like bunny characters skjdgkdjgkdf). there's so much you can talk abt with him. theres so much you can do. hes an evil fucked up scientist who loves his kids so much he tries ta reverse death itself ta bring them back. he manages ta die and then bring himself back ta life through pure spite and grit and determination ta "come back". he fucking survives a fire and then assumedly rebuilds himself which under than assumption (even though scraptrap is butt ugly) that would take an incredible level of ingenuity. literally how could i not love him. hes this twisted fucking mutilation of humanity melded with metal. he willingly gave up his humanity ta become this horrible fucking thing and relishes in it. ive seen ppl talk about the trans metaphor and yeah!! that totally applies here too (i hc spring/william afton as trans cough cough). what i really like especially is how he does all these evil fucked up things and feels no remorse about any of it like!! sometimes storylines will try ta make the villain sympathetic but fuck that!! let him be unabashedly evil!! even though i think his motive for killing kids was ta save his own, its still super evil and fucked up that he took those kids from other families in the first place!! and its so cool!! hes repeatedly inflicting the same trauma on other parents he felt himself with no remorse!!!!!! talk about irony!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the story telling with him can be so good!!!
#springtrap hates being alive ouuu but he loves it#DO YOU UNDERSTAND????#HES SO FUCKED UP#ANOTHER REASON WHY I LOVE HIM#HES JUST SOME FUCKED UP GUY WHO FACED THE CONSEQUENCES BUT ENDED UP KIND OF LIKING THE CONSEQUENCES???#RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH#spring would use it/its pronouns#i think he would also be a demiboy and bi lol#springtraaaapppp i love you springtraaaaaaapppp#spacie splains#hes SO much fun ta analyze i literally have a whole thread in one server im in where i just dump brain thoughts sometimes#havent done it in awhile b/c uhh the simp thoughts get in the way unfortunately SKJFSKJFDSJDF
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On Ivan and bipolar disorder (part three)
This is my favorite part of this whole thing. I haven't written it yet, that's literally the opening line, but here I'll be talking about one of the most interesting (to me) aspects of Ivan's character: how the other characters perceive him; I already know I'll be having a blast writing this. Internal vs external perception is probably my favorite topic when it comes to character study, so I was thinking of doing something similar for Dmitri as well in the future because I noticed some things that I want to talk about. I'll think about it.
For once I don't have to make an introduction where I explain what I'll be going over in this because there's none to be made, so let's start from the beginning. The first time we see Ivan is when they're all waiting for Dmitri at the beginning of the book, and what does he do? He takes the piss out of everyone, of course. And I think that in everything that happens there and in the following passages (I was particularly struck by Father Zosima's words about him, which I've already mentioned in here) we pretty much have the key to Ivan's character, and he doesn't even give it to us himself (very fitting indeed). The first thing we find out is that Alyosha is afraid Ivan will be condescending towards the monks and while Ivan technically isn't, he still adopts a subtly mocking tone with them, which checks out considering that Miusov says Ivan feigns arrogance to mask his own insecurity. Also it's very telling that Ivan's demeanor changes when it comes to Zosima, I feel like he actually does respect him and to some extent appreciates his words. Funnily enough I've found myself in a similar situation in the past (atheist surrounded by nuns, my family was there, they told me some things I appreciated; I wasn't making fun of anyone though I swear) so I get it.
Speaking of words, there are many used for him in those chapters, and there are even more as the novel goes on, brushstroke after brushstroke painting a rather confusing and contradictory picture of this young man: he's bright yet insecure and "a tomb", he's weird and a misunderstood outcast in his own family yet he's charming (said by multiple characters in multiple occasions, I think it's the word that's used the most to describe him) and refined, yet again eccentric. He's paradoxical and a riddle (another word used multiple times), and his own father fears him more than he fears the son who almost beat him to death and at first I couldn't understand why, considering everyone else's opinion of Ivan and the fact that Ivan actually helped get Dmitri off of their father when he was beating him, but then I went back to Book Two and stumbled upon a line that managed to completely go over my head in the past (how could that happen? God, the horror!) that does explain a lot and looking back now, to me feels like one of the most important lines (about Ivan) of the whole novel:
What seemed to [Aleksej] strangest of all was that his brother Ivan, [...] who alone had such influence on his father that he could have stopped him [...]
I don't think I need to explain why I think this line (that you can find in The old buffoon for context) is crucial so I won't say much about it, but it also explains why Ivan's presence in the Karamazov household is seen as a guarantee for quiet and order (as stated during Dmitri's trial, and we also see it in the fact that both Dmitri and Pavel had in mind to murder Fyodor only if Ivan had been out of the picture, though for different reasons), and honestly it surprised me: I mean, Ivan's influence over other people plays a very important role in the story, but him having influence over his father? Fyodor Pavlovich Karamazov? Wow. Also I have something else to say about the quiet and order thing but it belongs in part four.
The rest of that line is also interesting in my opinion:
[...] [Ivan] sat now quite unmoved, with downcast eyes, apparently waiting with interest to see how it would end, as though he had nothing to do with it.
This, maybe trivial, line never really left my head, which means it must mean something to me. Maybe because that behaviour fits Ivan's character so well and I always like when he gets to act like a normal, unbothered, and even childish at times, twenty-three year old (he's not even angry there, what a rare occurrence) and because according to how the other characters speak of him, it feels unexpected (and turned out to be useful for this post).
Back to how others speak of him, someone (Fyodor I think) goes as far as saying that maybe Ivan deliberately seeks torment, which honestly feels a little too familiar to me and that's why that's another line I can't seem to get out of my head; when people have such a high opinion of you they do tend to blame your own struggle on you, at least in my experience, as it's their only way of rationalizing it. You should be better than that, you should be smarter than that. But you're not, so maybe you actually want it; why would such a brilliant person be like that otherwise? You're not allowed to be "weak" and I think Ivan is a perfect example of this as he has internalized this concept, but I'll go over it in part four.
But what does all this have to do with bipolar disorder? I'm getting there, but you'll have to bear with me because this whole thing gets quite intricated at this point and I have to be as clear as I can (and I can't, ever), so let's take a seemingly nonsensical step back to see the bigger picture.
None of the brothers are stupid: Dmitri is naive, impulsive and uneducated, sure, but the narrator does describe him as a fairly intelligent man in spite of it, Pavel was basically a child prodigy and a very smart young adult (and maybe I should talk about it sometime because everyone in the novel considers him to be capable but stupid and there's only one person who explicitly recognizes his intelligence in a genuine way apart from the narrator, guess who), and Aleksej, while also uneducated, isn't stupid either. But there is a particular emphasis put on Ivan's intelligence and it's hard to find a paragraph where he is present or where someone else is talking about him that doesn't mention it. Ivan is bright, Ivan is educated, Ivan is an academic. It's pretty much the first thing the other characters think of when thinking about him, it's almost some sort of morbid fixation. And it's not a positive thing either as it does nothing but feed into his insecurities and Pavel even uses it against him by telling him how intelligent he is over and over until he officially loses it. Ivan is smart to the point of being charming and admired, but that turns out to be a double-edged sword (of course) because everyone puts him on a pedestral and higher the pedestral, deadlier the fall, as we see in the second half of the novel. In my opinion the only one who seems to view him as a human being and not as some sort of ghost or higher, detached entity (apart from Zosima) is Alyosha; Dmitri considers Ivan to be better than everyone else including himself, Smerdyakov is...well, Smerdyakov, his father's attitude towards him is basically I don't understand what's up with him and I don't really care (in addition to what I said a few paragraphs ago) and even Katya is charmed by him more than she loves him, at least at first. Everyone else doesn't even really know him and that's partially his own fault, but I can't blame him.
Why do I consider this bipolar coding? To make it short, intelligent people are often considered charismatic and many psychiatric studies suggest that there's a link between bipolar disorder and high intelligence (which to me personally kind of feels like a consolation prize, like nature saying hey, you'll hate being alive but at least you're not an idiot!, thanks a lot I guess) and it's also worth mentioning that bipolar disorder is linked to creativity as well since Ivan has come up with multiple poems over the years, which means he must be a creative person to a certain degree. I haven't been citing my sources because this is not an academic paper and I'm just some guy on Tumblr who doesn't even study psychiatry and just happens to be basically cursed, but there's a book about this topic that I want to mention: Touched with Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament by American psychiatrist Kay Redfield Jamison; I've also read her (very relatable) autobiography and I'm a big fan of hers since she knows what she's talking about even more than the average psychiatrist because she has bipolar disorder herself. For anecdotal evidence, I keep a mental list of historical figures and artists (including contemporaries/celebrities who are still alive) diagnosed with bipolar disorder (so if you ever want to know if someone has/had it hit me up I guess) that I won't include here for obvious reasons, but let me just say that the doctors who did the aforementioned studies do seem to have a point (and I'm an artist myself). I want to make clear that I'm not trying to play into the overused, boring, inaccurate, and generally uncomfortable (for me at least) mentally ill tormented genius trope/stereotype and that it's obviously not what Dostoevsky was going for either; it's just that I've personally had people fixate on my intellect my whole life (not to mention the general weird fascination the average person has for mental illness and mentally ill people as well) and seeing Ivan go through that same experience combined with the studies I just mentioned made this association inevitable for me. Also people seem to find you more fun and charming when you're manic/hypomanic (only when you're the "right" kind of manic/hypomanic of course, when you're experiencing dysphoric mania/hypomania people just become ableist because that's the "wrong" kind of mania/hypomania, duh) which is...uhm...I don't really know how to feel about it honestly, but it's a fact so I'm mentioning it.
But what came first, Ivan's self-isolation or people's misunderstanding of him as a person? Is it the former that caused the latter or the other way around? To me this feels like having to talk about the good old chicken and egg dilemma and I still haven't figured it out in relation to myself, so I guess this will remain unanswered for now (or forever). But what I do know is that bipolar disorder is a lonely experience, no matter how hard someone tries to not make it lonely; people just don't get it even if you explain yourself a thousand times over and over. It doesn't mean you don't have relationships with others, it just means you know you have to keep some things to yourself sometimes and you get used to it, which seems to be Ivan's case too; to me the best example of it is when he's just about to tell Alyosha about the devil but stops himself from doing so and decides to push him away instead. In my opinion it's also connected to his inability to show "weakness" that I already mentioned and that is often one of the core experiences of living with bipolar disorder, but I won't go over that now. I'll just say the problem when it comes to Ivan is that everyone (the readers, the other characters, even himself) gets tangled in a net of performance; living with bipolar disorder feels like having to constantly keep up a certain kind of act (that I wouldn't even know how to explain) in front of others due to the stigma, and I'm pretty sure that's the case with every neurodivergence and invisible disability (bipolar disorder is in fact a disability and I'm legally disabled, that's why I mentioned ableism earlier). Ivan knows what people think and expect of him (we've seen it in his first real interaction with Alyosha and I've already talked about it in part two) and we see few moments when he goes mask off, and apart from those moments his facial expressions are always described as being forced or "off" in some other way. One thing that struck me is the significant contrast between what Mrs. Khokhlakova in particular says about him and how we actually see him behave when he doesn't bother with his forced coldness and collectedness (usually by himself or around his family): she talks about how refined and chivalrious he is multiple times because that's the side of him she sees (and almost everyone else sees), yet he's the character who swears the most (I don't know if "swearing" is the right term as in the novel there are no actual curse words in the modern sense but he doesn't really speak kindly does he); his language is even worse than Dmitri's. I'm not saying that being polite in public/formal settings and swearing like a sailor in private/informal settings is something unusual because I'm also like that (as I'm afraid you might have noticed, sorry for all the swearing!), I just wanted to point that out because to me it seems important in general and relevant for this post.
This doesn't mean I think of Ivan as a fake person because I would have to have that same opinion of myself and I don't, it's quite hard to explain if you haven't lived the bipolar experience first-hand or don't really know what masking is and I hope you'll understand what I'm trying to say here; it's just that he hides and polishes some parts of himself due to a combination of childhood emotional neglect, mental illness, and a personality that's difficult on its own (but really, when you have a disorder like this one it's quite hard to tell what's personality and what's mental illness, especially because at times they're one and the same; it shapes you and sometimes you can't even do anything about it and to me it's no surprise Ivan's sense of self is as warped as it is), all factors that contribute to his partially self-inflicted isolation. I mean, he does say himself to Alyosha that at first he kept him at a distance on purpose and you can also find a glimpse of that in his own philosophy: he openly says that he loves humanity but dislikes humans. He can only show affection from afar and I think that also reflects in the situation with Pavel and in Ivan's own guilt: I don't think Ivan lacks empathy (quite the opposite), he just doesn't have the tools to do anything with it. Could he really have done something? He says he would have if Pavel had explicitly told him to stay in their father's house (here the conversation shifts on the physical aspect of things as Ivan now feels guilty for also being physically distant from his family and not only emotionally), but Ivan's words are never really reliable. How can we expect someone who's incapable of getting close to people to help them? Even when trying to help Dmitri escape prison he's still rough with him. There's a reason why his thing with Katya is a mess as well and he refuses to admit that he loves her (he even says to Alyosha that he doesn't like her and he's with her only to prevent a catastrophe at Mitya's trial, which are later stated to be lies by the narrator): he always tries to convert his feelings into reason, otherwise his whole façade crumbles.
I also want to mention Ippolit Kirillovič's words about him at the trial because they seem very important to me, but only very briefly because first, many things he says have already been talked about in my other posts and second, it seems a little unfair to leave the other members of the family out because Ippolit Kirillovič says many interesting things about all of them; maybe I'll make a post about that in the future. Basically, Ippolit Kirillovič doesn't particularly like Ivan because he got the better of him in a couple public arguments they had in the past (very funny to me by the way), but he still prefaces his criticism of him by talking about his positive qualities (once again, his vigorous intellect and brilliant education) and saying he was welcome in their community (but not in the same way Dmitri was). This is yet another case of me not knowing where I'm going with this, but this particular instance stood out to me so it was worth mentioning; I think it summarizes the other characters' attitude towards Ivan quite well, but I can't really explain it.
Another thing that I noticed is that no one ever calls him by a nickname, not even Alyosha. I wrote a post about the use of names and nicknames in The Brothers Karamazov months ago but I hated the way it turned out because I felt like I wasn't making any sense so I decided to throw the whole thing away and I don't even know if I should try writing it again. Anyway, it's very interesting to me that pretty much everyone is referred to by a nickname (even Rakitin of all people) except for Ivan; not even Alyosha calls him anything other than his name (and if I remember correctly not even Katya, who talks to Ivan using the informal you, does). Actually, there are a couple instances where this does happen and that drives me even more insane because the first one happens at the beginning of the novel, when his father calls him Vanya a few times only to never do it again (and honestly Ivan didn't seem to like that either), and the second one is Rakitin mockingly referring to him as Vanechka when talking about him to Aleksej (because of course he'd never call Ivan that to his face and I also have a feeling he'd get decked if he tried). I don't really know where I'm going with this (again) but I wanted to throw it in anyway because it always stood out to me considering the only main characters that are never referred to like that are Fyodor, Ivan, and Smerdyakov and well, there seem to be implications here. In the aforementioned deleted post I wrote about this topic I mentioned sense of belonging (Mitya belongs there after all) and affection/connection (everyone loves Alyosha) in opposition to being excluded (Smerdyakov is not a legitimate son) and being unable to connect with others (Ivan is an outcast due to the multiple reasons I went over in the previous paragraphs). Maybe I really should try writing it again.
Well, I think I'm done for now. I found it a little hard to separate the themes of part three from the ones of part four, because the latter will focus on Ivan's self-perception (among what happens from Book Eleven to the epilogue and other, more "medical", things) but we see how he perceives himself through the devil but the devil is not an actual real person in the book so I couldn't really include that here and in my mind the themes of these two parts kind of blended together so I had to to figure out where to break them apart.
This took longer than usual (which bothers me but oh well) because I had to take a break from pretty much everything (which is why lately many posts have been queued) for a while due to the February-March period always being whacky for me bipolar-wise, mostly because of the seasonal change (something that plays a huge role in this shitshow of a disorder and something I'll go over in part four because surprise surprise) that always makes me mentally and physically tired. All of this, which can be summarized with bipolar disorder bipolar disordering, to say that I hope this part isn't as messy as it seems to me and that I hope you can't tell I wrote it during a time I wasn't getting enough sleep (I swear I did my best given the circumstances), and if I "disappear" or interact less from time to time it's usually because of this kind of stuff. I'm still not getting enough sleep by the way so I might take a break from serious posts again, I love that daylight savings time happens during one of the worst seasonal changes of the whole year for me every year and it doesn't mess with my disorder at all.
It sure didn't help that I chose to make part three more complicated than the others thinking it wouldn't go in a completely different direction than I had originally planned and wouldn't therefore have to reorganize my thoughts during a period I simply couldn't do so; I will obviously be punished for my hubris. But until then I'll be working on part four (and some other unfinished stuff I have in my drafts and have no idea when I'll post), which will be the last part of my bipolar Ivan Karamazov essay.
#I really hope you get what I mean sometimes I feel like I'm talking nonsense#also this is very long and I went a little on a tangent at some point but I mean y'all read Dostoevsky so you're used to it#and I've just noticed how often I use parenthesis I'm so sorry but I have a lot of thoughts#and I want to clarify that the part about hating being alive is a joke I'm okay now my humor is just a little uhm...questionable#the brothers karamazov#ivan karamazov#bipolar ivan karamazov agenda#thoughts#mine
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#alnst spoilers#and me being a mean man-hating lesbian (/j). sorry#sorry i literally cant even be happy abt till alive because the fans have been SO annoying about it#i.vtl shippers are some of the most obnoxious on the planet like. they make me truly hate the ship sometimes#/nbh ofc#like why r you talking abt them and bringing them up when it's Not About Them#why was IVAN trending after the MIZI comic that he WASNT EVEN IN#and dont get me started on the ridiculous top/bottom discourse. harassing a fanweek blog into saying no switch#only to go create ANOTHER no switch fanweek? even though the problem in the first place was that ti.llvan 'got two weeks'??#'king yaoi the third' i literally dont care i'll kill both of them with my bare hands atp#alnst isn't about the yaoi. youre all missing the point#anyway. congrats to all the normal iv.tl shippers. sorry about your fellow ship fans#<- truthfully i DO like iv.tl and both characters. but the fandom has greatly dampened my enjoyment of them unfortunately
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we all sometimes feel the tide of suicidality wash over us and drown us right. [hollow eyed and frantic] right?
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i really think i am my worst enemy
#i don’t want to do fuck all this summer#i want to grow#and be brave#and be kind#god help me i know i’m an insecure introverted overthinking idiot but i want to love myself and my life#is that too much#i hate this feeling of being sick of my life and myself#i hate feeling like i don’t even know who i am#i want to know and to be known#but i think i’m stuck in the past#and stuck believing that i’m inferior#i know there’s no connection without an open heart. i know that to love i had to be there. i had to be there to be loved#but i’m so afraid of making a fool of myself#i’m afraid of what people will think#sometimes i feel like my life hasn’t even begun and i’m still waiting for that day when i finally feel like a person who is alive#and living well
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