#I had those therapies I was diagnosed autistic because it was SEVERE

[cocklessboy]

The biggest male privilege I have so far encountered is going to the doctor.

I lived as a woman for 35 years. I have a lifetime of chronic health issues including chronic pain, chronic fatigue, respiratory issues, and neurodivergence (autistic + ADHD). There's so much wrong with my body and brain that I have never dared to make a single list of it to show a doctor because I was so sure I would be sent directly to a psychologist specializing in hypochondria (sorry, "anxiety") without getting a single test done.

And I was right. Anytime I ever tried to bring up even one of my health issues, every doctor's initial reaction was, at best, to look at me with doubt. A raised eyebrow. A seemingly casual, offhand question about whether I'd ever been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. Even female doctors!

We're not talking about super rare symptoms here either. Joint pain. Chronic joint pain since I was about 19 years old. Back pain. Trouble breathing. Allergy-like reactions to things that aren't typically allergens. Headaches. Brain fog. Severe insomnia. Sensitivity to cold and heat.

There's a lot more going on than that, but those were the things I thought I might be able to at least get some acknowledgement of. Some tests, at least. But 90% of the time I was told to go home, rest, take a few days off work, take some benzos (which they'd throw at me without hesitation), just chill out a bit, you'll be fine. Anxiety can cause all kinds of odd symptoms.

Anyone female-presenting reading this is surely nodding along. Yup, that's just how doctors are.

Except...

I started transitioning about 2.5 years ago. At this point I have a beard, male pattern baldness, a deep voice, and a flat chest. All of my doctors know that I'm trans because I still haven't managed to get all the paperwork legally changed, but when they look at me, even if they knew me as female at first, they see a man.

I knew men didn't face the same hurdles when it came to health care, but I had no idea it was this different.

The last time I saw my GP (a man, fairly young, 30s or so), I mentioned chronic pain, and he was concerned to see that it wasn't represented in my file. Previous doctors hadn't even bothered to write it down. He pushed his next appointment back to spend nearly an hour with me going through my entire body while I described every type of chronic pain I had, how long I'd had it, what causes I was aware of. He asked me if I had any theories as to why I had so much pain and looked at me with concerned expectation, hoping I might have a starting point for him. He immediately drew up referrals for pain specialists (a profession I didn't even know existed till that moment) and physical therapy. He said depending on how it goes, he may need to help me get on some degree of disability assistance from the government, since I obviously shouldn't be trying to work full-time under these circumstances.

Never a glimmer of doubt in his eye. Never did he so much as mention the word "anxiety".

There's also my psychiatrist. He diagnosed me with ADHD last year (meeting me as a man from the start, though he knew I was trans). He never doubted my symptoms or medical history. He also took my pain and sleep issues seriously from the start and has been trying to help me find medications to help both those things while I go through the long process of seeing other specialists. I've had bad reactions to almost everything I've tried, because that's what always happens. Sometimes it seems like I'm allergic to the whole world.

And then, just a few days ago, the most shocking thing happened. I'd been wondering for a while if I might have a mast cell condition like MCAS, having read a lot of informative posts by @thebibliosphere which sounded a little too relatable. Another friend suggested it might explain some of my problems, so I decided to mention it to the psychiatrist, fully prepared to laugh it off. Yeah, a friend thinks I might have it, I'm not convinced though.

His response? That's an interesting theory. It would be difficult to test for especially in this country, but that's no reason not to try treatments and see if they are helpful. He adjusted his medication recommendations immediately based on this suggestion. He's researching an elimination diet to diagnose my food sensitivities.

I casually mentioned MCAS, something routinely dismissed by doctors with female patients, and he instantly took the possibility seriously.

That's it. I've reached peak male privilege. There is nothing else that could happen that could be more insane than that.

I literally keep having to hold myself back from apologizing or hedging or trying to frame my theories as someone else's idea lest I be dismissed as a hypochondriac. I told the doctor I'd like to make a big list of every health issue I have, diagnosed and undiagnosed, every theory I've been given or come up with myself, and every medication I've tried and my reactions to it - something I've never done because I knew for a fact no doctor would take me seriously if they saw such a list all at once. He said it was a good idea and could be very helpful.

Female-presenting people are of course not going to be surprised by any of this, but in my experience, male-presenting people often are. When you've never had a doctor scoff at you, laugh at you, literally say "I won't consider that possibility until you've been cleared by a psychologist" for the most mundane of health problems, it might be hard to imagine just how demoralizing it is. How scary it becomes going to the doctor. How you can internalize the idea that you're just imagining things, making a big deal out of nothing.

Now that I'm visibly a man, all of my doctors are suddenly very concerned about the fact that I've been simply living like this for nearly four decades with no help. And I know how many women will have to go their whole lives never getting that help simply because of sexism in the medical field.

If you know a doctor, show them this story. Even if they are female. Even if they consider themselves leftists and feminists and allies. Ask them to really, truly, deep down, consider whether they really treat their male and female patients the same. Suggest that the next time they hear a valid complaint from a male patient, imagine they were a woman and consider whether you'd take it seriously. The next time they hear a frivolous-sounding complaint from a female patient, imagine they were a man and consider whether it would sound more credible.

It's hard to unlearn these biases. But it simply has to be done. I've lived both sides of this issue. And every doctor insists they treat their male and female patients the same. But some of the doctors astonished that I didn't get better care in the past are the same doctors who dismissed me before.

I'm glad I'm getting the care I need, even if it is several decades late. And I'm angry that it took so long. And I'm furious that most female-presenting people will never have this chance.

[aspd-culture]

thank you for your reply! lowkey convinced I might have a dissociative disorder now—I literally am the child who’s a completely different person before bed and can entirely forget that I’m hungry and every feeling I had in the week before therapy at the ripe old age of 23! tbh I’d thought the emotional impermanence was the adhd but I don’t know anyone else w/o some sort of dissociative amnesia who has the same problem that they can’t remember anything when they go to therapy. but I am capable of having lots of emotions at once (in fact I can never point out one singular thing I’m feeling) so idk!! anyway I’ll look further into it that was wonderful

So there’s more to a system than the failure of the ego states to fuse - but that is the step that causes the system to form and to current knowledge, a system is the only thing that can cause those states to fail to fuse.

As with other children their age, a child who has developed a CDD system will develop emotionally mostly as expected with exceptions given for the delays and disruptions to this that whatever trauma they’re experiencing may cause. A 10 year old that has developed into a system will still be meeting those developmental milestones, except now it will be alters doing it.

We don’t stay as those ego states forever; instead each alter will emotionally develop individually. So now that a system has formed, each alter will - as entirely separate people and therefore at entirely separate rates - develop things like complex emotions and the ability to remember having them. This is why structural dissociation disproves the concepts of an original alter and the alters as “parts”. While the community still uses the terms “splitting” and “fragments”, we do so with the understanding that it isn’t a true breaking into separate pieces of one person in the way we used to think (though in a split pieces can technically “break off” another alter but they would still be entirely separate people vs pieces of a person) with the theory that was replaced by structural dissociation.

These alters will then each live their own lives - having different experiences entirely separate of each other, developing their own interests and hobbies and biases about the world and the people in it, etc. - and therefore become very different people. Alters may be more difficult to notice as children than as adults because they appear to be a child going through normal phases. Alters may also be misunderstood as ADHD (and, to complicate things, the system as a whole may *also* have ADHD) due to memory loss and what appears to be flights of ideas and hobby switching as various alters take the front for various lengths of time.

If you’re autistic, by the way, the thing about being a different person before bed may be explained by that (tiredness can lead to more severe symptoms of autism showing) as can the forgetting you’re hungry (autism often comes with a decreased ability to recognize body cues for needs - so many autistic people struggle to realize they’re hungry until they’re starving, or that they need to go to the bathroom until it’s an emergency, and also forget while engaging with special interests). Autistic people can also struggle to recognize and name emotions, with some of us often failing to recognize emotional changes by anything other than their physical symptoms (some emotions make your stomach feel sick, or a head rush, or a warm sensation, etc.). These things can also be attributed to some other disorders that I’m not specifically aware of but you can check out the differential section for diagnosing DID and Autism to find them I’m fairly sure.

However, it does sound like you’re describing amnesia, and specifically amnesia popping up at a time that a gatekeeper who isn’t feeling ready to process emotions might take the memories from you. Especially if you’d be able to recall those memories immediately before or after therapy, that could be a sign of a dissociative disorder that you could look into and bring up to your professional if you’d like.

Noting here that I am not a professional, and even if I was (I’m not) I’m not *your* professional, so I cannot speak to your diagnoses in any way other than non-professional guesses. Additionally, it’s important to remember that most symptoms of disorders can be from various ones, or be non-disordered traits, and that’s something you’d need to get into it with a professional or do heavy research before deciding on. And I wish you all the luck in doing so!/gen

If you’re after additional research, there is, unlike with ASPD, a decent amount of unbiased information. Be aware of and avoid sources that claim that systems can be fakeclaimed based on literally anything as these sources are not unbiased. The only one who can know if a system is faking or not is an unbiased professional who has spent many hours with their client. For example, I was not diagnosed with DID until I had known my professional for over 3 years, and she still hadn’t considered it until I said something (albeit that that was because she said she wasn’t experienced with this and actually - with my permission - went through my diagnostic tests with a couple trusted colleagues before diagnosing me). One of these resources is the diagnostic test itself which can be found if you look hard enough for it BUT I do not recommend anyone who ever currently plans on pursuing a diagnosis does that specifically. There are two reasons for that - the first is that the diagnostic test is triggering by its nature. You can skip any questions you want but for a truly accurate test result, you ideally would openly answer all questions. As hard as it was, I did not choose to skip any questions in my assessment. That means if you do have a system, you’d be arming your gatekeeper (who may well not want to be found since, when a system is first discovered by the host, the first response is often for it to be hidden from the host as much as possible by backing up, going quiet, giving or taking away memory access, etc.) with the questions you need to answer to get your answer and giving the gatekeeper time to create amnesia towards those questions or to have another alter come out and refuse to answer them or lie to avoid diagnosis. The best way in my opinion to get that assessment done is blindly, without knowledge of the questions, if you have as of yet no or little solid interaction with your alters. The second reason is that these diagnostic tests are difficult to score without the paid for score sheet so if you have the opportunity to let a professional do that, it’s best to allow for that. Because of this, taking that assessment at home would not in any way be the only piece of research you’d need in order to self dx anyway.

Plain text below the cut:

So there’s more to a system than the failure of the ego states to fuse - but that is the step that causes the system to form and to current knowledge, a system is the only thing that can cause those states to fail to fuse.

As with other children their age, a child who has developed a CDD system will develop emotionally mostly as expected with exceptions given for the delays and disruptions to this that whatever trauma they’re experiencing may cause. A 10 year old that has developed into a system will still be meeting those developmental milestones, except now it will be alters doing it.

We don’t stay as those ego states forever; instead each alter will emotionally develop individually. So now that a system has formed, each alter will - as entirely separate people and therefore at entirely separate rates - develop things like complex emotions and the ability to remember having them. This is why structural dissociation disproves the concepts of an original alter and the alters as “parts”. While the community still uses the terms “splitting” and “fragments”, we do so with the understanding that it isn’t a true breaking into separate pieces of one person in the way we used to think (though in a split pieces can technically “break off” another alter but they would still be entirely separate people vs pieces of a person) with the theory that was replaced by structural dissociation.

These alters will then each live their own lives - having different experiences entirely separate of each other, developing their own interests and hobbies and biases about the world and the people in it, etc. - and therefore become very different people. Alters may be more difficult to notice as children than as adults because they appear to be a child going through normal phases. Alters may also be misunderstood as ADHD (and, to complicate things, the system as a whole may *also* have ADHD) due to memory loss and what appears to be flights of ideas and hobby switching as various alters take the front for various lengths of time.

If you’re autistic, by the way, the thing about being a different person before bed may be explained by that (tiredness can lead to more severe symptoms of autism showing) as can the forgetting you’re hungry (autism often comes with a decreased ability to recognize body cues for needs - so many autistic people struggle to realize they’re hungry until they’re starving, or that they need to go to the bathroom until it’s an emergency, and also forget while engaging with special interests). Autistic people can also struggle to recognize and name emotions, with some of us often failing to recognize emotional changes by anything other than their physical symptoms (some emotions make your stomach feel sick, or a head rush, or a warm sensation, etc.). These things can also be attributed to some other disorders that I’m not specifically aware of but you can check out the differential section for diagnosing DID and Autism to find them I’m fairly sure.

However, it does sound like you’re describing amnesia, and specifically amnesia popping up at a time that a gatekeeper who isn’t feeling ready to process emotions might take the memories from you. Especially if you’d be able to recall those memories immediately before or after therapy, that could be a sign of a dissociative disorder that you could look into and bring up to your professional if you’d like.

Noting here that I am not a professional, and even if I was (I’m not) I’m not *your* professional, so I cannot speak to your diagnoses in any way other than non-professional guesses. Additionally, it’s important to remember that most symptoms of disorders can be from various ones, or be non-disordered traits, and that’s something you’d need to get into it with a professional or do heavy research before deciding on. And I wish you all the luck in doing so!/gen

If you’re after additional research, there is, unlike with ASPD, a decent amount of unbiased information. Be aware of and avoid sources that claim that systems can be fakeclaimed based on literally anything as these sources are not unbiased. The only one who can know if a system is faking or not is an unbiased professional who has spent many hours with their client. For example, I was not diagnosed with DID until I had known my professional for over 3 years, and she still hadn’t considered it until I said something (albeit that that was because she said she wasn’t experienced with this and actually - with my permission - went through my diagnostic tests with a couple trusted colleagues before diagnosing me). One of these resources is the diagnostic test itself which can be found if you look hard enough for it BUT I do not recommend anyone who ever currently plans on pursuing a diagnosis does that specifically. There are two reasons for that - the first is that the diagnostic test is triggering by its nature. You can skip any questions you want but for a truly accurate test result, you ideally would openly answer all questions. As hard as it was, I did not choose to skip any questions in my assessment. That means if you do have a system, you’d be arming your gatekeeper (who may well not want to be found since, when a system is first discovered by the host, the first response is often for it to be hidden from the host as much as possible by backing up, going quiet, giving or taking away memory access, etc.) with the questions you need to answer to get your answer and giving the gatekeeper time to create amnesia towards those questions or to have another alter come out and refuse to answer them or lie to avoid diagnosis. The best way in my opinion to get that assessment done is blindly, without knowledge of the questions, if you have as of yet no or little solid interaction with your alters. The second reason is that these diagnostic tests are difficult to score without the paid for score sheet so if you have the opportunity to let a professional do that, it’s best to allow for that. Because of this, taking that assessment at home would not in any way be the only piece of research you’d need in order to self dx anyway.

[goodluckclove]

Storytime: Holy Shit Going No Contact Was A Really Good Idea, Actually

TW: offhanded mentions for abuse and neglect, general parental bullshit

Okay so people were saying they're down for this so here I go.

A little context for those who don't know: I'm an adult child of pretty severe emotional and psychological abuse, as well as like comical degrees of neglect that I've been making up for over the course of the past year for so. I say "comical" not because it's funny, but because if it was depicted in like a YA novel critics would pan it for being unrealistic. My mom convinced me that doctors don't actually like it when you get checkups and get mad at you for "wasting their time", so I didn't see a doctor for like eight or so years. That's on the low end of how fucked these people are. My parents are both alcoholics and my mom is a diagnosed narcissist (she doesn't know this, but I do because my long-time psychologist was her psychologist first before she decided she was "done with therapy". He told me this after like four years as a part of his attempt to get me to realize I was in a deeply fucked situation, ultimately saving my life in a very literal sense - but that's another story). I'm not saying you can't be both of those things and not be a good person, but I am saying she did not choose to go down that particular path.

I went no contact shortly after I got married to a person who was able to see that my parents were both pretty mean to me most of the time in ways I forced myself to process as humor. They sent like one weird card before we moved and now they don't have my new address or phone number.

Unfortunately I'll still occasionally hear random updates about them - mainly from my older sister, who was the object of my mom's obsessive, manipulative, parent-ifying "love" before she left home at 18 and I became the new Golden Goose. I don't like this. I wish she would stop doing this. I asked her before, but I guess she forgot. Or maybe part of the shell shock from the damage of our childhood is that she just needs to tell someone who would understand in a more primal way than her fiancee. I don't know. She pretty much raised me when I was younger so I guess this is what I'm giving her in return.

A couple of days ago she called me and casually mentioned the latest scrambling my parents are doing. They're moving in with my grandma so she can keep living in the home she raised her family in. They're not kicking out my autistic brother anymore, they're actually bringing him with them. I don't think he has a choice. They're also bringing the family dog they've neglected even worse than they did me, despite how my grandma absolutely insisted she would never want a pet. They're going to turn my kind of run-down childhood home into a rental for extra income. My parents are landlords to be. Cool cool cool.

A lot of this is about money. I have never been comfortable talking about money - probably more so than other people. I never had it explained to me. It wasn't displayed or handled in a way that made sense in my mind. My mom complained and lamented about bills to me all the time but she also had maybe four Prada purses. It didn't make sense.

Something she told me a lot about were the details of my grandmother's will - like, from as young as maybe 16. My grandma is indeterminately wealthy in a way I don't really understand and can barely even guesstimate. She owns her own house, remodeled it, bought my uncle a house, bought my childhood home when my parents almost got kicked out and they paid her the mortgage ever since. She paid for all my siblings (except for me since I dropped out) to go to college. She has an amount of money. I have no idea how much since she's pretty buttoned up - loving, but reserved - which I was told is just a generational thing for some Japanese people. I mean she has the right. She spent like a year or two in a concentration camp as a little girl, she has the fucking right.

But yeah I was told more than a few times that I have a big inheritance for after grandma dies. My mom never told me how much but stressed that it was a lot. I didn't really know why she was telling me this. I actually felt like she shouldn't be telling me this. It made me feel sad and dirty to hear her describe it as something I should be excited for. She also mentioned a lot that I was the only grandchild in the will, and not my three step-siblings that I've known since birth.

Once again - this was NOT something I wanted to know. I had no idea what to do with that information. I tried not to think about it.

Fast forward a couple of years and I'm married and we just bought a house. So before you officially buy a house there's a point where an inspector looks everything over and gives you the details - you know, so you can make an informed decision. The inspection we got for the first house we almost bought informed us that the whole thing was hand-renovated and pretty much fucked to the point where if we bought it we'd have to replace the walls. We didn't buy that house.

The inspector for the second house we loved confirmed it was old. Most of the houses in Portland are old. But it seemed pretty much fine. The only issue was some moss on the roof and a few loose shingles, he said. So we bought it.

Turns out the roof is not good. It's very not good. And we have to replace it before October or else we'll lose our home insurance, and ultimately the home itself. Stressful! I found a pretty knowledgeable roofer and he quotes 14k for the treatment. Add that to the 10k we were already planning on spending on refinancing - a separate financial obstacle course for home owners that Riley was pursuing, since the fiances are their domain - and we were both at a loss as to what to do.

Ultimately I reluctantly decide to see if my grandma would give me part of my inheritance early. Or all of it? I debate how to phrase it for a night. I didnt want to assume how much she was planning on leaving me. I didn't really like to think about how she left specifically me anything in terms of money.

But that didn't end up being an issue! Because when I called my grandma and explained the situation, how we were hit with like three major financial blows back to back and were just hoping to get some aid until things stabilized in a few months, she casually mentioned that I'm actually not in her will. None of the grandkids are!

I immediately stammered out a series of no no nevermind then, but she stopped me and explained how she has a "small emergency fund" for situations like this and asks how much I needed. I say I'm not comfortable with that, but she won't drop the subject. She says the roof is 14k so she'll just give me that. She says 14k won't be a dent in her "small emergency fund". I have absolutely no idea what my grandma's financial situation is.

Did you know if you're given only Goodwill clothes for all of your formative years you're likely to be unable to buy new clothes at even a Target without feeling lost and sick to your stomach? Did you know that if you take Lithium they won't let you sell your blood? Do you know the easiest ways to shoplift food?

I don't think my grandma knows any of that and at this point I don't want to tell her.

I accept the check. I thank her. Riley thanks her. We both cry a lot for a lot of the morning because this is just a lot and it's very confusing. Riley says they've never accepted that amount of money before and would never imagine it coming from a family member. I say my grandma has been doing shit like this for my whole life.

But in the back of my head I'm reeling. I don't consider myself a materialistic person, but I can't help but ask why did my mom lie to me? Why did she lie, and continue to push the lie even when she saw it made me uncomfortable? Why did she bring it up when I'd get mad at my siblings as a way to force me to put aside my feelings?

It's just such a random thing to make up and double down on. Triple down, even. And I understand this whole mess comes from a pretty lucky position - we were able to buy a house and get financial aid to keep the house at a crucial time. That's lucky. We're really lucky. But why the fuck was she keeping up this bit for so long?

She could've never mentioned it and I wouldn't be upset about not being in the will. Frankly I probably wouldn't notice. But holy shit I carried so much stress for years over being the one grandchildren in the will that I had no clue how to navigate. I debated telling my siblings but after all of us were told that we should consider ourselves blood-related, hearing that our own grandmother drew a distinction sounded devastating.

I can't think of a reason why my mom would push a lie this random but so big for so long. It wasn't for me, clearly. I'm not upset that I'm not going to get a fucking jackpot when my grandma dies. I was never really able to wrap my mind around that being a thing. I'm just fucking baffled that my mom was so completely delusional for my whole life and I just followed along for so long.

So long! I was so unbelievably loyal to her despite every attempt she made to drag me into the void. The day before I got married I was telling her over video call that I didn't have a right to be unhappy not working while I recovered from my first major medication shift in years. She said, even though I am the only child of four to pay rent in their own apartment, that I should be grateful for my soon-to-be wife because "without them I'd be homeless".

Fuck that. Fuck that and fuck her. With the stories I have I could ruin my parents in my extended family's eyes forever. The only thing that keeps me from doing that is knowing that it would hurt my Grandma more to know that she wasn't able to step in while it was actually happening. And she's done so much for me and our family that I don't want her to carry that in the end of her life.

It was one lie that really made me realize some things, though. The best thing I ever did for myself was cut contact with my parents. If I didn't cut contact - if I didn't move states - I would almost guaranteed be dead. This is not an exaggeration. It was fucking messy.

But I got out. I have a wife and a few close friends, a roof over my head and some cats darting around my feet. Before we moved I was terrified of my parents showing up at our old apartment. I used to spiral imagining mom screaming outside the door. I tried to plan with Riley what we'd do if that happened. One night I claimed I wanted to take a boxing class "so I can know what it feels like to get really hit and I won't be afraid of it anymore".

I'm not scared now. These are sick people and I've spent more than enough time lamenting how awful my life would be if I continued not noticing that. I was thinking my mom was unable to perceive me as my own person, and now I'm convinced she never saw me or my sister as people at all. We were just little dollies she could whisper all her traumas to.

I hope my sister cuts contact too. I told her about the will thing and said that I'm pretty sure my parents would use that as a way to keep relationships with their remaining children. I said she should probably consider that if she decides to cut ties.

Honestly, I won't blame her if she does that and decides to stay in contact. It's a hard world out there. But I hope she does anyway. She just bought a house too and is about to get married to a man with a family infinitely more loving than ours ever was. I tell her to consider them her family. After the shit she's seen that's the least she deserves.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

aita for being autistic, having ADD, and repressed memories?

this happened a while back, but essentially what happened was a huge fight between me and a friend of several years. he came to me initially about how creeped out he was by a mutual friend (that i introduced to the friend group) from how he was acting to a younger (not a minor) friend in said group. creepy friend wanted to meet up and hang with younger friend, i thought it was a bit weird too. this led to creep being kicked because they had shown other mildly weird things so we just booted em.

this whole ordeal resulted in me remembering how said creepy friend kept flirting with me and wanting to have a relationship with me and such when i was 17, and they were in their 20s. this was something i completely expelled from my brain, which i did say as much. other friend put me on blast and said, "you knew they were a creep the whole time? and let them in our friend group?" when i absolutely did not. this fed into other behaviors that this friend hated me exhibiting but never talking to me about for who knows how long.

i sound too "monotone" when i speak, i try showing interest in other friends interests but can't really stand it because it isn't something I am personally interested in, so trying to force myself to be feels downright painful. this made me shallow and a bad friend.

mind you i didn't get diagnosed with ADD and autism until just this past year, so i had no idea that those traits listed above are insanely common in people with autism and add/adhd. like, those are just part of me. i am just Like That. literally always have been . this is people i knew who would headcanon their blirbis as having autism and adhd but i guess they just didn't really know or understand the full scope of what those disabilities entail.

of course i will not at all dismiss the fact that i had some shitty behaviors those aside. i was living in a severely abusive situation for my whole life and straight up didn't realize i was picking up bad habits from my abusers that i lived in such tight quarters with and interacted with every single day. this isn't an excuse, it's an explanation. im in therapy now, medicated, and out of said abusive situation, so i am doing so much better now than when i was younger. but these behaviors were never brought up to me, my friends never talked to me about them, so i had no fucking idea i was being an ass or being autistic or anything like that. no communication until it all boiled over.

aita?

What are these acronyms?

[babykkumaa]

I had an interesting conversation..

Topic: Masking Autism

I had a conversation with someone today talking about how they are seeking to get a full evaluation to be diagnosed possibly because of there previous evaluation with psychiatrist said there's a possibility they are.

We ended up having a conversation about masking which i proceed to say in my experience masking is very difficult for me. It takes a mental toll and physical toll on me as well. They proceed to say true but masking is easy. I understand that some people think masking or have an easier time to mask themselves and pretend that there something there not but, it makes me wonder if there telling themselves that because its actually easier or that they've just learn to accept it.

I've been bullied into basically masking myself growing up and being a late DX. Including now, When i try to unmask I get perceive or told super ableist shit out of nowhere that makes me go back into my box which make it harder for me to feel comfortable.

But, it makes me sad a lot of the time that I know I have to choose between masking or having friends or build long term relationships with people. If you need an example, watch Heartbreak High S2, the character name Quinni expresses what I've recently been going through again where its like were put in a constant tug a war between accommodating our own selves while sustaining friendships/relationships with others.

(Example just incase you don't have Netflix and can't watch what I'm talking about but, it shows one of the clips I'm referencing)

Yes, you can say "Well why don't you try to ask for accommodation or talk with them about it?". Yes I have of multiple occasions doesn't mean that they'll actively do it or the people your around will perceive you and what you say the wrong way including growing up in neurotypical environments that make you think your the problem. So, most people like me just don't expect people in return to accommodate us. When we are, we greatly appreciate those people.

So, saying that masking is "easy" or "glamourous" is far from the truth for most people. It causes insecurities, severe depression, bad thoughts, and feeling not good enough.

But, this is just my opinion on the interwebs and maybe someone will look at this be like "this is so first world problems and masking saves lives" which yes it does because it has with me but, it still has negative consequences that people aren't putting to light or ignoring because it's either them not going through it or person who is masking isn't ready to acknowledge it.

Maybe I just need therapy who knows but, after all, like i said this is my opinion on masking.

(I recommend watching this video, she does a beautiful explanation and she is also autistic as well. She does a lot of different videos about Autism and hot takes in the community.)

[glittertomb]

Very personal but important question(s?) regarding chronic health issues and disability

So I’ve had fibromyalgia and Gastroparesis for about a decade now, and I try my best to self-manage these issues (in addition to the expensive meds they give me that don’t really provide relief), but it becomes severely difficult for me to work a full schedule, particularly when my job drains me physically, mentally, and emotionally. I spend my days off in complete recovery mode, absolutely bed-ridden, afraid to do anything social or physical, because I risk going into a total Fibro meltdown. Which is a nightmare, but I’ll spare you the details.

I’ve been considering applying for partial disability because I think working 3 or 4 days instead of 5 or 6 would be much better for most humans, honestly, but particular for someone like me who deals with chronic nausea, discomfort, and pain on the daily. I’ve been putting it off for ages though because I know that disability can be very difficult to get and a horrible process and I can’t work myself up to it or afford a disability lawyer to help me. I tried being a little more aggressive this past summer and collected “documentation” on my fibromyalgia in the hope of preparing to submit it, and literally all of my documentation says “fibromyalgia?” because apparently none of my doctors believe me after years of testing and thousands of dollars of office visits trying to get this diagnosis. To be honest, using fibromyalgia as my reasoning for disability needs was a dead end anyway because lots of doctors still don’t believe it exists, so I doubt the government would find that a good reason either. And I really doubt they would take the Gastroparesis seriously either, even though both of these conditions are dehabilitating at times.

So one of my friends recommended I go through the avenue of my mental health issues. At different points of my life I’ve been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, bipolar, ocd, adhd, etc, and who knows what the real answer is, but she’s a mess. I’ve been realizing over the past couple years that I’m very likely autistic, and that would actually explain a lot of these things, but the past 6 months have been crazy, and even though I’ve been working a bunch, I’m poorer than ever because of the rising cost of everything, so I cannot afford to get a formal diagnosis yet. But I know that I told my most recent psychiatrist all these horror stories about my anxiety, so I decided to get done documentation for her too, and guess what? Generalized depression and mild anxiety. Girl, huh? (Tw: blood and dermatillomania coming up) I showed her evidence of scars on my hands from picking my hands every night til I bleed everywhere, I described how I get overwhelmed and cry at work several times a week and often fight back panic attacks at work and in my private life, I told her than I struggled to fall asleep and stay asleep and only got collectively about a few hours every night, I told her that I literally could not socialize without using alcohol as a crutch but I can no longer do that because of my digestive issues so I self-isolate, I told her that I struggle to maintain eye contact and panic when people give me eye contact… so many stories like these. Mild anxiety smdh

So that comes to my first question cause I guess I decided while writing this that I have a couple:

1) How do you, as a female-presenting person, get a diagnosis for severe anxiety? How wild do my stories have to be without accidentally committing myself?! I have an ex, amab, who basically pulled a john Mulaney and was like, “I get nervous on planes sometimes” and he legit got a prescription for Xanax or one of those other big ones, and another who is on a dose of gabapentin 5x the strength of mine because he gets social anxiety sometimes, so this is especially frustrating that I can’t even get a dang proper diagnosis on anything after ten+ years of therapy, doctors, tests, everything.

2) What is the process like for getting an autism diagnosis and are there cheaper routes you can go that would still be credible? I’ve exhausted my expenses from years of jobs not paying my worth combined with money poured down the drain trying to get any sort of help with my kaleidoscope of issues, and at this point I’m too broke and demotivated and burnt out to figure out a way forward.

3. Has anyone been able to get partial or full disability who would be willing to hold my hand through the steps and keep me motivated? I know it’s a huge ask but I honestly get so anxious even thinking about the process that I completely shut down. At the very least, maybe you could explain what worked for you or how you would approach it better next time? I just moved far away from my support group so I’m feeling alone and even a word of caution or encouragement would help.

I know I’m not really as connected to this community as I used to be, but I’m hoping someone will get to the end of this and even a kind word or a smidge of sympathy/empathy would be nice. And please do reach out if you have fibro because I don’t meet many and it would be nice to have friends who can relate. Thank you for listening! 💜💜💜

[sophieinwonderland]

Something that occurred to us about transautism that had been brewing for a while: late diagnosis.

So like, we understand cis gender to be a matter of identifying with the gender you were assigned at birth, and trans gender to not identify that way. And we also understand that trans people are the gender they identify with right?

If we're applying that same understanding of what "trans" means, doesn't it stand to reason that "tramsautistic" would look pretty identical to late diagnosis?

Yes of course the narrative that all trans folks were born their gender and always knew is a harmful one. Gender can change unlike neuro developmental neurotypes. But that narrative is true for some trans folks. Hell it's true for a lot of trans folks.

So why wouldn't the same be true of someone who wasn't assigned autistic at a young age?

We're both trans and late diagnosed. A lot of the experiences with those identity overlap and have parallels.

We didn't "show signs" of being trans in our youth similar to how we "didn't show signs" of being autistic in our youth. We hid the things about us that others rejected and showed hostility towards because, conforming to social pressure, until we looked like a cis allistic singlet. All without ever understanding what we were doing or why, to the point where we look back and struggle to parse out those signs. There's a whole lot of gaslighting (internal and external) that happens for eggs and undiagnosed kids.

Also I can't help but notice a hint of "sex = gender" that slips into arguments against transabled IDs. Like, "you can't change your neurotype like you can change your gender" makes me wonder if that's talking about gender fluidity, or saying that trans folk are valid only because we have HRT and surgeries now. Cause in a lot of ways, you can change your neurotype if we understand neurotypes to be socially constructed like gender. You can get a diagnosis (like you can get a gender marker change). You can unmask (like you can socially transition). You can do treatments and therapy that helps (like you can do things that alleviate gender dysphoria and bring euphoria).

Anyways, I see a lot of parallels between trans in the gender sense and late diagnosis in the autistic sense. Plenty of kids were presumed to be a gender that they weren't. Plenty of kids were presumed to be a neurotype they weren't. When they seek to rectify one we call it transition and the other late diagnosis.

I know this isn't the universal story of trans gender folk or trans abled folk. But the connections between these two dots is too compelling for us not to bring it up.

-Faye

It's an interesting connection between late diagnosis and transitioning.

I don't think this is really how most transabled people use the word though.

Of course, certainly in some cases, this is going to be true where some transautistics can be cis-autistic all along but repress that.

I would say there are probably 3 general categories we could break transautism into.

The first is what you suggest, undiagnosed/late diagnosed cisautism where signs of ASD always existed but aren't recognized until later. And identifying as transautistic can supply security to someone trying to understand their identity.

The second is similar to the first, but where similar symptoms to ASD don't manifest at all until adulthood. In these cases, this might be a sign of another disorder. There's a lot of overlap between symptoms of ASD and schizophrenia for instance. So much so that ASD was at one time considered a childhood form of schizophrenia.

Then the third is what I consider the more stereotypical transautistic cases where an allistic person feels like they should be autistic for some reason, and sometimes may even feel dysphoria for not being autistic.

(This isn't mentioning trans-severity, where someone with Cis-ASD feels it should be worse.)

...

This is a bit of a side tangent, but...

To be honest, I worry a bit for people who fall into the first two categories.

There are legitimate issues with the healthcare system that would dissuade people from seeking mental help. We, ourselves, aren't seeking any treatment and don't feel it's necessary for us.

At the same time, the first step in healing a problem is recognizing it, and I do worry that identifying as having a trans-disorder may discourage someone from taking that first step of recognizing their symptoms are from an actual disorder they can seek treatment for.

This came up a while ago, with a transkleptomania anon who identified that way because they usually only felt the urge to steal things when they were stressed, and were under the false impression that cis-kleptomania required you to always have that urge.

Nothing against them, but I do have a concern that some people who consider themselves to have transdisorders may actually have those disorders and not be seeking treatment because they decided they don't have them.

...

And as I say this, I realize that this sounds a lot like sysmed arguments about how endogenic spaces supposedly discourage systems from realizing they have dissociative disorders. But the difference is that, from what I've seen of endogenic spaces, that's largely not true and many systems realize they have disorders BECAUSE of these spaces. Even in the tulpamancy community, it's common for people who show symptoms of dissociative disorders to be recommended to investigate further when symptoms of a disorder are mentioned.

I guess, one concern I have with the transabled community is that I'm not seeing as much of this.

To be fair, despite being described by one anti-endo as a radqueer God, I'm not actually part of those communities and these conversations could definitely be happening where I'm not looking.

...

Sorry, I kind of derailed there.

Anyway, while I don't think it completely applies to how I tend to see transabled identities used, I do find the comparison between late diagnosis and being transgender to be a fascinating topic.

[adhbabey]

I wanted to explain some thoughts on my psych critical view.

I find psych abolition to be a foolish thing, and the only thing I would like to abolish is psych wards, not the whole entire psychiatry system.

I believe in therapy, medication and all forms of treatment to be important and helpful. I do not think anyone should be forced to take medication or be in therapy, however.

Autonomy and respecting human rights is key, and I understand those who have been hurt by the way psychiatry has treated them. I am not defending medical professionals who abuse or harm their patients.

I think everyone should express some sort of caution towards medical professionals and not trust them with everything. Also, psychiatrists are not an authority, but should be treated as advisors instead. They cannot (usually) and should not force you to do anything.

Diagnoses are incredibly real and important. Those who self diagnose are true in their feelings. Anyone who says that you should not identify your disordered experience, just because they had their own negative experiences, is foolish. You should use medical terms as how you see fit, and you should respect other people's uses for them.

While diagnoses have helped many people, I do believe the DSM and other diagnosis criteria should be edited and changed to fit a more accurate representation of this disorder. And doctors who wish to gatekeep or limit the symptom list are horrible people.

I believe that psychiatrists should be more well educated on rarer or uncommon diagnoses, and should be tested every so often to retain their license. Doctors should not be able to retain their license when they practice with outdated language and method. It should be more standardized than it is.

I believe disabled people are often times more of an expert on their disorder than psychiatrists are. But we should still continue to research and talk to one another in these disabled communities. New information is always important.

I don't think overlap in symptoms matters too much as much as many of y'all think it does. Yes, there is some overlap, but all of our disorders are distinct in some way. But I wish people would consider comorbidity way more than they consider they are "faking it" or not.

If you have symptoms, you have symptoms, I know not every lived experience is a symptom, but its okay to see them as psychological occurrences. I think people who get frustrated by people identifying their lived experiences as symptoms, need to touch some fucking grass. Symptoms exist, its okay to label them as so. No amount of whining about "tiktokification" will change my damn mind about this.

People who armchair diagnose others with things like "narcissism" piss me off. Stop using mental disorders as a way to judge or insult someone. True crime has ruined y'all.

Outside of that, saying stuff is "crazy" or "insane" or whatever is too normalized in our vocabulary to connect it directly to mental illness. That's completely different from directly naming a disorder as an insult. (sh*zo, psycho, psychotic, autistic, narcissistic, etc.) The only term I am on the fence about is "delusional", I relate to both sides on that argument.

People with aggressive, homicidal, dangerous, etc. thoughts or urges are not the enemy and deserve respect and should not be locked up just because they have those thoughts/urges.

I will always be mentally ill and disabled in some capacity and I am at all times this close from losing it. All mentally ill and disabled people deserve rights, even the fucked up, unhinged and unpalatable ones.

I have several different thoughts, feelings and opinions on topics like these, and it may change depending on who you are talking to. But in general, I am psych-critical. Not pro-psych, not anti-psych. I am cautious and distrustful of psychiatry, but I still need it to exist and I rely on its existence. I do not think abolition of psychiatry entirely is helpful and I think the medical existence of things should be acknowledged, and I am not a bootlicking motherfucker.

I definitely have more thoughts, but this is all I can remember right now. I have no obligation to agree or care about anyone else's thoughts on things like this. I wish the american health system and many other health systems would change to be more accommodating and accessible to all.

Don't trust everyone's opinion on here, be cautious regardless of people's status of mental illness. Always get a second opinion and learn how to trust yourself. We're all trying to have a better life.

[autism-unfiltered]

hi, i just got diagnosed with autism at 25, but i'm unsure about it bc i feel like other autistic ppl have/had it harder than me. i've never had a meltdown or shutdown, and despite the social issues i had growing up, whenever i read about others' experiences i always feel like they had it so much harder, like all my struggles were actually manageable, things only started getting harder once i reached adulthood. also the diagnostic process was fairly easy, the therapist said it's because i know myself really well, but now i'm scared i've actually been fooling myself.

Hello,

Firstly, congratulations on taking the step to understand yourself better through your diagnosis. It's important to remember that autism is a spectrum and everyone's experience with it is unique. Just because your challenges may seem different or less severe than others', it doesn't invalidate your diagnosis or your struggles. Many people on the autism spectrum don't experience meltdowns or shutdowns, and others develop coping mechanisms that may make their struggles less visible to the outside world.

Moreover, reaching adulthood can indeed present new challenges that weren't as prominent during childhood or adolescence. The structures and routines of school life give way to less predictable adult responsibilities, which can be more difficult to navigate. It's also not uncommon for individuals, especially women and those assigned female at birth, to receive a diagnosis later in life due to a variety of factors, including the ability to mask symptoms.

Feeling like you know yourself well is actually a strength and can be helpful in many areas of life, including therapy. It's not a sign that you've fooled yourself; rather, it could mean that you've been adept at managing your symptoms. However, if you still feel uncertain about your diagnosis, it's okay to seek a second opinion or ask your therapist to address your concerns. It's also beneficial to connect with the autism community, where you'll find a wide range of experiences and perspectives.

Remember, your experiences are valid, and it's okay to take time to explore what your diagnosis means for you. There's no right or wrong way to be autistic, and no two journeys are the same. Take care of yourself and reach out for support if you need it.

[redinbluee]

Autistic caretakers also have trauma 

Being an autistic girl who was diagnosed so young due to obvious signs (which is rare)- my parents had to put in a lot of time and effort to raise me. 

My parents had me at quite a young age, they also didn't have a lot of money at that time. My dad had to work very hard to learn enough money to pay for my speech and occupational therapy and my mom went sleepless nights to take care of me, drive me to therapy, drop me off to kindergarten while she was pregnant with my younger brother. 

I was a very high maintenance child- I cried hysterically in social situations like birthday parties due to the loud noise, crowding, the singing and clapping, the lighted candles and the generally overwhelming atmosphere. I also cried hysterically at the doctor, at school and at large restaurants etc for similar reasons. I was unable to survive a day outside the house without my mom constantly briefing me about what would happen next, where we would go etc because I couldn’t handle unfamiliarity and unpredictable situations. I have also had excellent pattern recognition since a very young age- my mom once told me that I was able to recognise the fact that we were heading to the doctors without any verbal communication (as an infant)- I was crying the moment we entered the taxi. I also needed speech therapy because I was non verbal and I was also unable to communicate in full sentences. 

My mother also didn't have much time to care for my brother, he was pretty much raised by a separate caretaker. I was still very young at that time, so I didn't know how much this affected those around me.

My mom also once told me that she was incredibly suicidal while she raised me- if things were just a little worser, I would've lost my mother

Once my parents actually decided to tell me about my past, I realised that I was essentially the reason why my brother was always so silent about his wants and needs, why he was so secretive about everything. That was because he was raised in an environment where he had to do everything himself, an environment where my parents were never really present. I turned my brother into a glass child without even knowing. This made me feel fucking terrible 

Once I stopped therapy at 8, my parents had gone through enough. I completely understand why. My mom now denies the fact that it ever happened, she believes that I have been “cured” and that I was some sort of “miracle child”- an outcome due to the amount of therapy and conditioning I’ve been through. However, now that I am old enough I know that this is obviously not the case- I just learnt to mask extremely well. My mom  is also not very well educated in autism, she doesn’t seem to understand that autistic children grow- and that autistic teens and autistic children behave quite differently. My dad denies it to an even larger extent. I was told several times by my parents that I literally “Don’t have autism anymore”- but that is obviously untrue, autism doesn’t go away like that. I still experience the same traits till this day- I’ve simply grown like any other child- and I have learnt to suppress my emotions and control my behaviour. My parents immediately tell me to shut up whenever I bring up the topic- just last month, I decided to ask my mother to hand me my diagnosis report because I wanted to look over it. We went into a fight.

However, I do not wish to do anything about my parent’s denial- I would rather deal with this on my own than put my parents through this ever again. My brother was also never told once about my disability- and this is something that he must never know. 

[shrimpmandan]

do you mean you feel alienated around self diagnosed autistic people? (aka 99% of the online autistic community) because if so I completely agree. I'm not sure if you have access to it but I go to public therapy for disabled adulta (if you're over 18) and in my group there is a bunch of autistic/adhd people. we usually talk about medication, funny stories about therapy and experiences with growing up autistic and such. it's pretty relieving, and completely different from speaking to autistic people online, which just feels like talking to neurotypicals

No I feel alienated around autistic people. And people in general. It's for a lot of reasons tbh, not JUST being autistic, but I've definitely have had grievances with the autistic community online for some time now. This is because there's this prevalent idea that what does or doesn't work for one autistic person must be true for every autistic person, which inevitably leads to alienation. I'm considered weird and offputting even by the standards of other autistic people. This isn't an uncommon experience for me.

Also, part of my alienation comes from the general politics of the online autistic community. I call myself Asperger's and high-functioning, which while I totally get why other people don't call themselves that, it's just kinda what I grew up with and what works for me. Also being trans on top of that, and hearing so many autistic people talk about how they personally don't understand gender, whereas I didn't have much of an issue with it (I view it through a strictly neuroscientific lens; I don't do well with metaphors and vague feelings). Being told I can't say "retarded" even though I've been CALLED retarded, not to mention directly threatened (I was nearly shot lmao) over being autistic. A mixture of oppression olympics among autists, and also 'higher-functioning' autistic people speaking over 'lower-functioning' autistic people. My stims also don't get represented much (I don't really flap, I've always been more of a rocker/bouncer/vocal stimmer) and I don't fit into the "good autist" role that a lot of people-- both neurodivergent and neurotypical-- want out of me. All this to not even mention how I get alienated for my other forms of neurodivergence, with people in general being extremely ableist towards those with OCD and dissociative disorders.

All I'm saying is it's not self-diagnosed autists who make my life harder. Not when me and most of my family has had to resort to self-diagnosis due to doctors not listening to us or just a simple inability to even see a doctor due to a lack of money and time. Actually, most of the people I click with are the self-diagnosed "I think I might be neurodivergent" people-- whether that's autism, ADHD, or some other various neurodivergence. The self-diagnosed people are my immediate family, as well as my friends who had to figure out they're neurodivergent because nobody else told them, or gaslit them over it. We're pro-selfdx here, and honestly therapy is the least of my concerns right now, at least when it comes to autism. I don't need therapy for being autistic. I don't need therapy to teach me how to be normal. I need therapy to teach me how to live. Y'know, tackling my ACTUALLY problematic disorders, like my severe OCD and CPTSD and what I believe to be some form of OSDD. ADHD... yeah I just need meds for that, it is what it is. But I've been in therapy SEVERAL times for my autism, with people who were supposedly specialized in it, and even they didn't really know what to do with me. So shrug lmao.

For the record I am professionally diagnosed with autism. I'm actually self-diagnosed with most of the other mental health issues I occasionally talk about here (ADHD, OCD, OSDD, et cetera). I'd LOVE to get diagnosed but we're just not in a financial situation where we can rn. I don't like throwing self-diagnosed people under the bus-- more often than not they're just trying to understand themselves and genuinely don't have the ability to access proper resources. I don't really think of the cringe "faking disorders for attention and spreading misinformation" people when I hear about self-diagnosis, personally. I think about people who have been gaslit and told either that they're weird/bad children their whole lives, or even the reverse where they're told they're gifted, before they begin to struggle and then are promptly abandoned. I went through the latter more than the former.

[liminalweirdo]

I missed the first 2-ish weeks of autism acceptance month bc of shadowban so I’m going to put those in this post.

30 Days of Autism Acceptance 2023

1 April: Hi, I’m a writer (bisexual, genderqueer, they/them pronouns) I love horror movies. Currently I live with my partner @bakingmusicals​, 3 cats, and about 30-something plants. I love coffee.

2 April: I figured out that I was probably autistic in my 20s and it took me about 5 years to get formally diagnosed. It took a pretty severe and long autistic burnout that included losing several everyday skills i took for granted for me to realize that there was something bigger going on than “just” OCD. Discovering that I was autistic made the first 30-some years of my life make sense for the first time.

3 April: I can remember most things people say verbatim including exactly how they said it. This makes me pretty good at transcription. There’s a few movies I know word-for-word, start to finish. I don’t think I’m better than the average person at lip reading.

4 April: I was in regular school and did pretty well (once I actually started going. I spent most of primary and grade one feeling too sick to go #anxiety!!). I skipped a lot of school in high school. I also quit university the first time around because of something that I now suspect to be burnout or near-burnout. Second time around I graduated with a degree in English Literature. Performed much better when I could create my own schedule and pursue my own interests.

5 April: I didn’t have any accommodations in school. I think that being able to do school from home/online would’ve helped me a lot. I don’t know if I would consider going back to school for an MA unless I could have an environment like that.

6 April: I’m good at verbal stuff but sometimes it takes me a minute to realize someone is talking, especially if I’m doing something, and I have to sort of mentally catch up and replay what they said in my head. My hearing is not aided. I use earplugs and headphones a lot to block out extraneous noise.

7 April: I am also formally diagnosed with OCD. I suspect I have other things related to trauma, but those things weren’t what I was paying to have assessed when I went to therapy.

8 April: I only struggle to read long texts if it’s not something I’m interested in. I love reading so basically I spend most of my time reading or writing. Reading is the main way I find new information related to my special interests.

9 April: I have several special interests. I was “obsessed” with dogs when I was younger but that was actually a special interest. I hyperfocus most of the time whenever I can because that’s when I feel most content. My longest interest is probably horror movies and horror in general (to a lesser degree) which I’ve had for most of my life.

10 April: I can understand speech when there is background noise.

11 April: I think my ability to speak (and read) came faster than the average NT person’s and remained above my age/grade level throughout school. My formal diagnosis includes “above average language-based reasoning.” However, I sometimes find that speaking is very taxing, particularly if I’m overstimulated so I’m considering learning SEE so that I can communicate with my partner without as much effort, or using an AAC device.

12 April: I was never in speech therapy.

[digiblueslush]

FUCK.... Y'all I'm gonna have to re-do my intro again :(((( (also family and personal lore incoming, not in the traumatizing way, but just interesting)

Also wrote a shit ton for no reason, cut for convenience

So my therapist and psychiatrist can't diagnose my autism since that requires certain certifications, however they've both said they'd refer me to get evaluated (as much as I'd love the validation, it's expensive, hard to find, and wouldn't change anything treatment wise) and they'd officially diagnose me if they could.

Last week I found out I have a half brother that's 10 years older then me on my dad's side. Never met the guy, but my dad told me he is autistic with at least high-er support needs than me. My dad has always gone "oh your not autistic I know autistic people and they're like REALLY out there" when I've brought it up previously. And invalidating, yes, but over the past year he's been more understanding of it, and now that I know this it somewhat makes sense (not justifying, but it explains it)

I (somewhat unfortunately?? I have complicated feelings about it) previously worked in the ABA field for a smidge of time, and am also very familiar with ASD from personal research. I've thought of myself as autistic for several years, but it's never felt fully validated until now due to the higher genetic factor (I also have an autistic cousin on my mom's side, but obviously, less shared genes)

I brought it up with my therapist because I also recently got diagnosed with PMDD, and in therapy, while it's more broad and situation dependent, it usually has a basis in the idea that I have BPD and CPTSD. I obviously still have CPTSD, but I never thought about or questioned the validity of my BPD diagnosis. It wasnt something that was diagnosed from a psych eval I got when I was 16, but obviously, I was 16, and they did screw up and said I had bipolar 1 and I was also dealing with 18 other things at the time.

I only got told I had BPD by my therapist around this time last year, which honestly being told that felt nice? Like there was a reason none of the treatment I had gone through had done too much on that end of things. And as ambiguous as diagnoses are, lately I've noticed that I don't usually feel insecure in relationships or need validation, rather those feelings get heightened because a lot of the people I have been close with have been insecure or unreliable relationship wise and confusing to read. And the only time it really feels that way across the board with all of my friends is when PMDD strikes

I brought that up with my therapist, and I was expecting it to be shot down, I've never been taken seriously about my autism stuff until the past few months because I always had bigger concerns, and my family quite heavily relies on the idea that I'm mentally ill and I will always be in that cycle, but to my surprise she actually fully agreed. It's interesting because I've seen my therapist for over 5 years now, and the only times I've felt unsupported by her was when I didn't want support, but it still felt surprising. Idk lolz

This was just meant to be a "gotta change my intro to not say BPD anymore" post but yap. Yap yap yap. That's what you gotta do when your Microsoft laptop has been at 99% for resetting for 20 mins

[ramblingtomcat]

Serious TW: self-harm, (adhd) meltdown

It's now several hours ago and yet I really need to get this out of my system. In my life I have had phases I have self-harmed. I had a mother who self-harmed when I was very little. Anyway. I both understood and did not understood why people self-harmed and I'm also trying to grasp why I do it.

I have had thoughts about self-harm since I was young. But it often scared me, so I didn't conciously do it. Yet I always had difficulties with emotional regulation, which is kind of typical for adhders I guess. Interestingly enough I'm not sure if I've mentioned it when I got diagnosed. Anyway. Mostly I would cope with overwhelm by shutting down, freezing, sometimes turning non-verbal. Or I would break down in tears and hit pillows in private. I think that's probably the most healthy way so far. But as I grew older, expectations for myself to "control my emotions" was also growing. I probably am really good at controlling myself for an adhder... or am I?

Fast-forward to me as an adult. Having unprocessed trauma and actively burning myself out. Burning myself out soothed some of my adhd symptoms, but also made some stronger. And I became really, really depressed. Did I go to therapy then? No. So I self-harmed through cutting myself. It gave me some sort of relief, and yet it wasn't that satisfactory for me, because I just still felt numb and because I also was in a limbo of wanting somebody to point out that I am clearly unwell, but also wanting to hide it so bad.

I told my partner and I stopped. And the line between my depression and my then undiagnosed adhd really blurred. Me being horrible at really voicing my needs and even recognizing that I have needs, I lose my temper more often than before. Maybe it was because I was having more stress than before. Probably even. And that also the earlier phases of my now-long-term relationship were a little challenging with us being two undiagnosed probably neurodivergent people having very contrary needs. (my partner isn't diagnosed, but has some autistic traits and a difficult upbringing, soo... yeah we both bring some intense trauma on the table)

Anyway. With the increasing external and internal stress I went through the last 10 years, it became more and more apparent, that I am really unwell. Even when I stopped cutting myself, I really struggled with emotional regulation. With translating my feelings into words and actions people would actually understand. And now I'm kinda good at it.

The thing is... I still feel overwhelm and overstimulation occaisonally. Which is a shocker, I know. /s

When I'm going into shutdown mode, it's normally "not that bad". I mean... it also sucks immensely, especially when I'm not alone while those moments. BUT I at least don't hurt myself.

Today I think I experienced a meltdown. And not really liking to use terms lightly, even though I am 90% sure that I'm using the terms I use accurately, it felt like one. Or at least how people describe them.

I woke up a bit late today. Which was okay. I was hungry. I made myself a sunny-side-up egg on toast. It was still a bit liquid, which I really enjoy. But I spilled it a little on the bed, which caused huge distress for no fucking reason. Like... it can be cleaned up and everything.

But i just couldn't help but scream and freak out. Which triggered my partner and distressed them. We were both distressed and both had our outbursts. While I think, they have recovered from it after, I just still feel this heaviness on my chest.

And I hit the wall. Like a solid stone wall. I also hit myself, but I guess the most damage came from hitting the wall. In that moment I just wanted to hurt so much. My impulsivity screamed at me wanting to beat me up physically. I stopped myself from doing worse. But now my right hand hurts. It's not THAT bad, because hey. I didn't bleed, I am likely a bit bruised and shouldn't really use my right hand that much. Especially the middle and the ring finger. The knuckles hit the wall and yeah. A part of me is concerned, another part kind of embraces it, liking that I was being destructive.

No, I do not plan on doing that all over again. It was not pleasant and I did sob after it. It's just that... it all was just pressure that released. Because who would cry over spilled egg yolks? Me, obviously. But on any other day, I would be like: "welp, hold on, I'll need to clean it" and move on. And today I punched myself in the face and hit a brick wall! Like woah, wayyy to go (ugh).

I don't know who to talk about it, because I don't know how to cope either. I have explained my situation with my partner earlier and they also explained their situation and it's fine. I just feel like I want to talk about it with somebody else who probably knows what I'm talkng about? On friday I have a therapy appointment, so that will be at least something.

I have heard about self-harm-skills before, since I have some close friends who have self-harmed before. The thing is just, that I normally don't self-harm. Meltdowns like this don't happen on the regular. Even when I'm overwhelmed or overstimulated, I normally manage to take a moment to calm down a little, before it gets worse. Also my medication also helps me most of the time one way or another. Today I was hungry and unmedicated, when I had my meltdown. That combined with a lot really small details that kept adding up, made me have a meltdown.

And I kind of want to joke about it. I kind of want to point out to SOMEONE. ANYONE that I was hitting the wall, being a big dummy, because I was overstimulated. But I don't want anyone to be concerned, because I know that I am not addicted to self-harm.

It's still scary though. Growing up as a person who never was able to express their feelings. Growing up as a person who always HAD to have control overtheir feelings. And then being in such a rage they can't control. Or well... rarely control.

I'm pretty sure I would never hurt anyone else than me. But... I really want to bring it up to my therapist this week because I kind of am afraid of myself. Not because I was able to harm myelf. It's more the uncertainty of it. People who self-harm regularly at least can be prepared. I don't fucking know when I would spill my coffee and spontaneously break my hand.

[probably-autistic-moss]

Moss relates + Is it an autistic trait?

Woah, our first crossover, lmao.

ANXIETY AND AUTISM

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⚠️⚠️⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING: SH AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS ⚠️⚠️⚠️

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From 2016 to 2018, I went to therapy.

I was severely depressed, I had panic attacks almost everyday, I often thought about ending it all, and I had issues with handling social situations. I also used to SH, as a way to punish myself for a lot of things I was made fun for - things I now recognize as autistic traits.

My therapist, Dani, first helped me to stop physically hurting myself, and before I quitted therapy for economic reasons, she was starting to tackle my emotional SH.

I loved Dani, because she loves Marilyn Manson - pls do not talk about the allegations against him, I already have a blog where I sometimes do that, and this post isn't about him - as much as I do. When tackling my issues with emotions - confusion about them, difficulty with expressing them and/or myself - she started asking me which one of his songs was relatable to what I was feeling. It worked extremely well, so much so that I confessed to her how much I quoted music in general and movies to express myself, because I was scared of expressing myself in the wrong way and being misunderstood. She took it as another symptom of my anxiety.

We talked about many other things, and I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and with a major depressive disorder.

When, around 2 years ago, I started to suspect I'm autistic, I never really thought about my other 2 diagnosis... until now.

As whoever actually follows me knows, I stopped doing active researches on autism in fear of just being influenced by what I was reading, so now I just research what I randomly find out on socials.

I saw this TikTok, talking about autism and anxiety, and it's incredibly similar to my experience. I wasn't medically treated for anxiety and depression just because I didn't have the money to do the visits that would have allowed me to be prescribed with antidepressants and other meds, and now I'm asking myself if those meds could have worked or not.

I'm pretty sure I really did/do have a major depressive disorder, especially because of all the physical and the emotional SH, and the emotional SH I still do. I also had a pretty traumatic childhood that could be the main cause of my depression.

But what about autism?

Could autism be another reason for my depression, and the main reason of my anxiety? Is my anxiety an autistic trait, since it's exactly like that TikTok describes?

I keep asking myself these things, and I wish I could have an answer.

[limbus-limousine]

OK ACTUALLY NEED TO TALK ABOUT THIS. I THINK ITS SO IMPORTANT.

There are so many people who don't seem to understand that a diagnosis IS a privilege. The argument about the financial costs of therapy, psychology etc IS very valid and important. But it's not the only thing.

You guys have NO idea how fucking miserable the state of mental health education is in some places. I talk from personal experience. Depending on where you live getting a diagnosis can be so insanely exhausting, it's unreal. It doesn't have to be a "third world country" either. For context I'm from Spain.

I've had "professionals" spewing information that could be debunked with a quick Google search. Half of them use outdated information(I can't count how many times I've heard these people using the term Asperger's as an actual diagnosis). They use diagnosis criterias that are extremely outdated.

If you have anything that's not stereotypical, or you manifest your symptoms in a uncommon way, or you learnt to mask from a very early age, you're fucked. I've lost count of how many people I've seen, but it's double digits and going up. From all those professionals, (only counting the ones who didn't flat out refuse to allow me to take tests, mind you) not a single one of them has given me the same diagnosis. I've been misdiagnosed with depression. I've been told I'm just gifted. Someone told me I have ADHD. Another one told me I'm autistic but definitely not ADHD. Another one said I'm not autistic at all. Others said that I just have "traits". Some said that I have Asperger's, which isn't even a valid term anymore. I just know that I have an anxiety disorder.

It is really really tiring to go through all of these appointments. Sometimes you know that this is just going to be another cash grab. Sometimes you know the doctor is trying to beat around the bush in order to avoid admitting they have no idea what they're dealing with, you're still gonna have to pay them anyways, what would you know? You're the patient. Sometimes you think you did kind of alright in social security and then they give you the next appointment and it turns out you'll have to wait for 7 months and it won't even be the same doctor.

At some point you just get tired of trying. Sometimes it's not only a cash grab, but also hurtful. I've had a doctor tell me that it was "weird" that I had never been sexually involved with anyone OR wanted to be while I was a minor. I tried guiding some therapists in my diagnosis because I don't want to start over everytime I see a new one, and they spent the entire session trying to convince me that I was "normal". I went to see a guy I was directed to by a hospital w very good reputation and it was only 3 minutes until he told me that he had no idea how to treat me and that I should get someone else.

It took me 4 years to get medicated and I can't even see the doctor who prescribed my meds anymore because his services are private and I only knew him through a friend's contact. My own personal doctors tried to get me off meds despite the overwhelmingly positive effects they had on me, with no explanation. They delayed my prescriptions several times.

Do I have a definite diagnosis? No. Not really. But I can deduce shit. These people are not experienced. There just aren't enough candidates who gaf about this field. I just. Gave up after getting meds. I'll self diagnose before I go back to the same bullshit I had to circle around for years. I think this depends on what you really consider to be a self diagnosis but I'd say I'm in a weird spot. I've had people violently deny diagnoses that others said were obviously valid. They were both listed as professionals in the field, so what do I believe? At that point you believe what feels right. As long as you don't use self diagnosis to flaunt on the internet, it's harmless. It's helpful. It's necessary. It is really comforting when you feel like you're lost and the people who are meant to help you don't even want to listen.

It's ok to not want to bother if you've had bad experiences too. Personally I'm letting this rest. The whole hereditary neurodivergency thing has me tired. Unfortunately I can't fully stop giving a fuck because I do need psychiatrists and therapists. When you deal with shitty specialists in this field you start to realize that they can only do simple diagnoses. As I started fixing my own shit with the little guidance I had I realized I have tons of other issues just... Entwined with everything. They can't seem to get that? And look, I'm not blaming them for not being able to read my mind, I'm blaming them for marketing themselves as something that they aren't. Some of these doctors aren't well versed in neurodivergency at all. I'm dead serious like. It feels like they were trained on big bang theory to diagnose autism and expect everything else to just be comforting some kid after a break-up. If you got anything else that isn't stereotypical or super classic get ready to waste your money meaninglessly or drown in your own misery, how fun isn't it?

It can be really disheartening, as I've said. I've started realizing that I have other problems that are trauma related, I just tried to use the other issues as a escapegoat because they were not as hurtful to accept. And because whenever I mentioned anything during sessions it got brushed off lmfao. I know I won't be fully content with the help I receive, at least not in a very long time. Right now I'm just hoping that a diagnosis related to trauma rather than a hereditary nd will be easier for me, and hopefully get some leads on a possible c-ptsd 🥲

Anyways please, if you have actual concerns about your mental health inform yourself. Don't believe anything you see on social media without doing your own research before. Don't believe everything your doctor tells you if it feels wrong. They aren't always right. It takes time and introspection, you are not ableist or an attention seeker for self diagnosing.

Please take care

Reblog this post if you are professionally diagnosed and you support informed self diagnosis and you hate people accusing others of faking disorders when they have no evidence to support that