#I had a really good punchline. and then I went to get a soda and it completely left my fucking brain

[pocketvampire]

Call my dick salvation the way I'm too tired to finish this joke

[socheckitout-mikey]

heya birdies! lmaoo my dumbass lost the ask for this one and i'm bricking it in case it sent it to the person bc i started it as a shit post and then it went away??? also i made it a short preference lol. anyways, enjoy! - mae

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

The Gang and Shepard's with a S/o Who Wears Glasses Preference:

Curly Shepard:

° haha fuckin nerd!

° curly is always trying your glasses on lmaoo he's got a big ass head so he's kinda screwed up the legs of them.

° he playfully calls you four eyes, but then plants a kiss on your lips bc curly's just an ass like that. you knew what you were signing up for when you agreed to date him.

° he's not that smart, so he genuinely believes that you're a genius bc you wear glasses. you probably are smart, but no, you're not gonna do his homework bc he's being lazy.

° tbh he doesn't really treat you any differently other than teasing you for your glasses. he did threaten to punch a guy twice his size for making fun of youuuu.

° he got his butt whooped for sure!

° will fall asleep when you cuddle with your glasses on his head bc he insisted you needed to lay your head on his chest.

° curly is secretly a soft bf!

° he may be all bark and no bite but istg if someone broke or stole your glasses he'd drop kick them dbdhfjdshdh

Dallas Winston:

° haha fuckin nerd 2.0

° genuinely you're getting called four eyes every damn day with a plethora of other horrid nicknames. lmaoo you think anyone else is mean? dally's genuinely the worst. but you signed up for it sooooooo-

° nahhh he's usually pulling your leg bc dally shows affection through being mean. he's still an ass to everyone else too.

° istg this guy once made fun of you for having glasses when dally was chatting to two and his head turned so fast to the guy you swore he almost broke it. then he swung and two had to drag your ass out of the way so you didn't get crushed.

° lol that's how dally got arrested over your glasses. he doesn't take anyone's shit.

° tries them on and then won't give them back until you give him a real kiss, even when you're out in public bc he wants to tease you. once he's satisfied he gives them back to you.

° sometimes he hides them and kinda feels bad if you really can't see jackshit. "listen, i won't do it again-"

° tbh dally just treats you normally and dw you wearing glasses isn't all of his punchlines.

° deffo tried them on and went, "how the fuck do you see in these?"

Darry Curtis:

° he's wearing some too, y'all are matching it's cute!

° darry thinks you're super cute with your glasses on, okay? it's one of the few things in this sad excuse for a world that makes him smile.

° "what're you smilin' at?"

° "nothin'."

° sodapop always teases you guys when darry and you are sat with your glasses on at the table with darry calculating the bills and you reading a book. he gets a kick out of it until darry pours salt in soda's next batch of chocolate cake lmaoo

° he has this habit of sliding your glasses up your nose for you when you're cooking in the kitchen or doing a task where your hands aren't free.

° you always clown him and he pushes your glasses onto your head so you can't see the best. he won't put them back until you apologise and promise never to do it again... you still keep doing it every time.

° "yeah, that's what i thought..."

° darry always catches you falling asleep watching TV on the couch with your glasses on. he's so gentle when he removes your glasses and puts them on the table with the lamp on it before carrying you to bed.

Johnny Cade:

° thinks you're fucking cute as fuck haha

° genuinely is a good boii and will not make fun of you for wearing glasses.

° this one time y'all were star gazing in the lot and he accidentally sat back down on your glasses. as soon as he heard the crunch he cringed. he felt sooo bad. poor bb! )':

° thinks you're really pretty with your glasses on and will often be the first to volunteer to hold them if need be.

° okay maybe he teased you a little... (': but he means well!

° he genuinely taped your glasses together trying to fix them after he broke them but your parents already bought you a new pair.

° now its a rule to never leave them on seats. y'all keep them high asf! he's a bit paranoid about breaking them again lol

° he tried them on once out of curiosity and his eyes hurt after for a few hours. he got a headache lol and it never happened again.

° "who knew you were blind as a bat? geez thank god i got good enough eyesight for the both of us."

Ponyboy Curtis:

° thinks you're fucking cute as fuck haha 2.0

° he teases you a little but not a lot, but he's got that little smirk on his face that makes you squint your eyes at him.

° "i knew i was a nerd, but at least i don't look like one."

° "listen here curtis- you think you're funny don't you? well, at least i didn't cry when i read the great gatsby!"

° he treats your glasses and you with respect™ bc pony doesn't fuck around. he holds your glasses so gently.

° lmaoo he's so fast at running thanks to doing track that one time he took your glasses and went zoom zoom! across the whole vacant lot. you almost broke your glasses trying to tackle him.

° y'all watch movies together and he's so sweet, handing you the popcorn you guys share. he will sometimes lean closer and whisper, "you good?"

° "yeah why wouldn't i be?"

° and he just softly smiles and goes, "the glare" fbdhsjehdhdhedh

Sodapop Curtis:

° hide your glasses bc he's wearing them.

° he's definitely screwed up the legs of your glasses and his own eyesight by doing up above. he thinks he's being goofy, but he's just a clown smh.

° idk why but as soon as your glasses came into the equation he got super clumsy. the amount of times he's broken them accidentally is insane!

° he tries hiding it from you every time. he now knows how expensive glasses were to get fixed and darry got so mad at him the third time it happened.

° "third times the charm right?" soda laughed at you and darry nervously.

° "the third time?! listen here you dimwit! c'mere! don't start runnin' from me now, soda! get your ass back here! steve don't shove him into the back of your car and help him!" darry hollered after him.

° genuinely thinks you're so beautiful with your glasses on. definitely gets into an argument with steve when he teased you about them. dude they didn't speak for three whole days! everyone was worried.

° there was an intervention lol bc steve and soda are pretty dramatic boiis.

Steve Randle:

° wears your glasses and calls you blind asf but he's actually the blind one.

° cue the opticians appointment you forced him to go to to prove a point! coupled with a smug, "who's four eyes now?" from you.

° k steve is mean asf but again, affectionately ofc! he only makes fun of you bc it bugs you but he stops when it really hurts you. he really loves you with your glasses i promise.

° once threw a football, aiming for two and hit you instead. he broke your glasses and that's how y'all met and started dating lol. he tells the story to everyone, but exaggerates it every time. lmaoo steve is a loser pls launch your pillow at his head.

° will fight anyone on sight who bullies you in anyway. he doesn't give a shit if it's a five year old kid.

° "steve-" you hissed at him, slapping his arm, "quit tryna pick a fight with a five year old-"

° "he gave us the stink eye! i think he's makin' fun of you." he grumbled back before turning towards the kid. "that's discrimination you little shit! g on! get!" swatting the child away like it was a manic chicken.

° he hides your glasses as a past time and you hate him for it. he gets a kick out of it, even when you've been married for 40 years lmaoo.

° he gets glasses but hates them sm and never wears them. you bring them to him at the DX on a silver platter all smug and soda makes him try them on: y'all clown steve and get your revenge for all the times he teased you. but honestly, it's just a banter thing, and steve takes it surprisingly well until pony comes a long and actually laughs so hard at him: cue pony being chased around the DX for thirty minutes.

Tim Shepard:

° thinks you're a cute nerd, wore your glasses once and he had to sit down after taking them off bc he got vertigo fdknjfdsnfs

° calls you "batshit blind" even if you only wear glasses for mild stuff like reading. tim is a bastard fbdhshsgd

° surprisingly is one of the only ones that doesn't break your glasses other than pony and darry. his reasoning?

° "i ain't a fuckwit! who goes around accidentally breakin' someone's specs? fuckin' sounds like curly!"

° tim once knocked a grown drunk ass man out cold for saying you looked ugly with your glasses on. you weren't even out and about together, he'd just ran onto the scene.

° yes he did get arrested and sent to jail. are we even surprised at this point?

° he once looked in his rear view mirror when he was driving you home one night to find you and angela leaning against each other out cold. your glasses were all lopsided and he laughed which woke you up. angela threw her shoe at his head.

° tim always flirts with you and its so cheesy. it's revolting enough to make angela and curly almost puke. terrible pick up lines galore!

° gets really annoyed whenever you ask him to hold your glasses in the case. he mimics your voice, acting like a brat but will hold them. he's only being a royal douchebag bc it's tim and tim isn't anyone's maid, which he makes sure to remind you. lol he's a dumbass just flick him in the forehead to shut him up.

Two-bit Matthews:

° hide your fuckin glasses bc he wears them and breaks them the fucking rat.

° another one that genuinely loves hiding your glasses for a laugh, but they've been behind his back the whole time.

° he only accepts kisses from you in order to give your glasses back. he's sneaky and will tickle you as he does it.

° another one of the oops broke you glasses brigade! two's genuinely the worst and is probs the reason why you don't have glasses for at least six months. he doesn't mean to tho!

° always plays pranks on you lol nothings changed there.

° he's the type to cover your eyes but you've got your glasses on and try to make you guess who's there. you always know it's him, reminding him he's not that slick because only he's the one that'd actually do something like that whilst you're wearing your glasses.

° "right i forgot you had those things on."

° always flirts with you, pointing to his eyes where your glasses would be on you and says, "those things work? if so, can you see our souls collide?" and istg dally almost pissed his pants from laughing at how corny that was. two felt no shame fhdhdgdhdyd

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

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[please-buckme]

A Broken Heart.

Lee Bodecker x fem!reader

Chapter 2

Chapter warnings: 18+ mentions of death, mentions of sex, cursing, Lee being an ass, angst, meninist behaviors

Chapter summary: You move back home after three years to find your heart still in shambles.

Masterlist

Series Masterlist

Chapter 1 // Chapter 3

3 Years Later

After moving a whole county away, Highland Ohio to be exact, you stayed for quite some time. Your aunt was amazing and the sweetest woman you’d ever known, and living with her was a breeze. She’d even gotten you a job at the auto shop her recently deceased husband left to her, which you loved. Life was good, for a while. You never had a reason to come home until your momma got sick.

For the past year you watched as your momma slowly faded away until the last week of April when she finally passed in her sleep. You were devastated, of course, but not only because of her death. She didn’t have much to her name besides a couple thousand in the bank and the house you’d left so long ago, which she left all to you.

The house was old. White paneling a faint tint of brown, grey shutters that were almost all off their hinges and rust anywhere you looked. It was a fixer upper and there’s no way you could sell it in its current condition. So, you decided to move back to Knockemstiff, just for the time being.

In all honesty, you’d grown to hate that town. Nothing but bad memories and any good memories you’d had were tarnished completely. So, once the house was decent enough to sell, you were out of there and back to the life you’d created in Highland.

Your aunt and you drove together in her pick up truck back to the house after your momma passed. She helped you unload your stuff and take things to the necessary rooms.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay? I can make my famous pancakes. I know you love’em.” She grinned.

“As tempting as that sounds, I’m fine. Please, I insist you go now before it gets dark.” You pull your aunt into a hug, a tight hug.

“I’m gonna miss havin’ you around, kiddo.” She sighed, her breath fanning over your neck.

“It’s only for a few months. I’ll be back to annoying you in no time, oldie.”

“Hey, I’m not old.” She laughed and pointed her finger at you sternly but still in a lighthearted way.

“And I’m not a kid.”

She laughed a little more then sighed, “Well, I guess I’ll head out. Call me if you need anything and don’t forget to go down to Billy’s tomorrow. He’s excited to bring you in.”

You smiled, “How could I forget? I need some sort of income to fix this craphole up.”

You walked your aunt to her car and waved her goodbye as she drove way. Your eyes welled up but you made sure not to cry in front of her or she’d never leave.

Once you went back in, you immediately got to work. Starting in the kitchen, you didn’t have much but a few coffee cups. The house was still occupied with your momma’s things and you were already dreading having to go through it all.

Things started to come together room by room as you worked most of the day away. You cleaned and rearranged things to your liking now that it was your house. It felt almost empowering to do what you want. You’d never lived alone so, in a way, this was an adventure as well.

You took your old room instead of the master, since that’s where your momma passed. It gave you goosebumps just thinking about and you knew you’d never get any sleep if you stayed in there. Your room wasn’t big but it was good enough for now and much better than sleeping in your momma’s death bed, hard pass.

You’d taken a seat on the couch with some tea you’d brewed up earlier that morning. This was the first time you sat down since arriving, and of course there’s a knock at the door.

“Whatever you’re selling, I promise you, I ain’t interested.” You shout, too exhausted to even attempt getting up.

The knocking continued, “Oh, for fucks sake.” You groaned under your breath and stood on your aching feet to tell them to fuck off in person. You opened the door, “did you not hear me the first time. I said-“

“Hi, Y/n” Lee greeted as he removed his hat.

You scoffed, “Can I help you with somethin’, Sheriff?”

Lee stood there, fiddling with the bill of his hat. His belly had gotten a little bigger and his cheeks had gotten a little chubbier, but you couldn’t help the hitch in your throat when his wedding ring caught your eye. Just a basic silver band, nothing special. But it still left a hollow pit in your stomach.

“I-“ he cleared his suddenly dry throat. “I heard you was back in town. Thought I’d come see for ma self if the rumors were true.”

“Welp, here I am. You can go now.”

“Y/n, I-“

“No, Lee, please. I’ve had a long day and I honestly don’t feel like talking to you right now. No, I take that back. I don’t feel like talking to you at all.”

“That’s a bit harsh, don’t you think, doll.” He grins.

“Goodbye, Sheriff.” You shut the door only to hear him holler at you from the other side.

“Still can’t say my name, huh, Doll? Boy, I really did a number on you, didn’t I?” Your heart sank at his words. It seemed your pain was a joke to him this whole time. You’d always pictured him crying alone like you were but clearly that was never the case. Y’all’s relationship didn’t seem one sided until you were the only one hurt by the fall out.

“Welcome home, Y/n.” He said before you heard his boots click against the porch as he left.

You took a deep breath as you backed away from the door. Tears rimmed your eyes and you scoffed aloud to yourself. After three years you still weren’t over him and you knew that. You didn’t know, however, that he’d still have such a hold on you. And by the way he reacted to how sensitive you were towards the situation still didn’t help the ever growing void that ran through your entire loveless body. The only man you ever loved looked at you as if you were a quick fuck and a punchline.

A tear burned against your cheek and you were quick to wipe it away. You swore to yourself that you’d never cry over that man again and you won’t, instead you decided it was time for a much needed bath.

The bath was scolding hot, just how you liked it, and you opened up a bottle of wine as a sort of reward for the work you’d done today. Once the water got cold and the wine ran out, you brushed your hand and teeth and went to bed.

//

The sun beamed down against your skin as you walked to the local auto shop where your aunt had set you up with another job. You were always good with numbers and they desperately needed someone on the books. Your job would be to look at their spending over the last few months and figure out some sort of budget. You did that for your aunt at her shop, so this didn’t worry you at all.

“Hi, you must be Billy.” You greet the owner, “I’m

y/n, Peggy’s niece.”

“Oh, yes. I’m glad you finally made it down.” He beamed, shaking your hand, “How long will you be here for?”

“I’m not sure, actually. Just until I get my house fixed up enough to sell.” You say, retracting your hand from his sweaty one.

“Ah, well as luck would have it, our secretary just quit on us last week, so there’s a position you’ll adjust to right fine.”

You scoffed, “Wait a minute. Did you say secretary?”

“Yeah. You need to get your hearing checked, Honey?” He grinned. What is it with the men in this town?!

“No, I heard you just fine. My problem is that I was supposed to be your Budget Holder, not a damn secretary.” Your face was turning a touch of pink as you became increasingly annoyed.

“That’s a man's job, sweetie. We don’t you blown a fuse tryin’ ta add up all them numbers, now do we?”

“You can’t be serious.” You say flatly.

“Look, it’s the only position we got. Take it or leave it.”

Everything in you wanted to March out of that shop and never go back again. A secretary's position is nothing to frown upon, but to only be offered it because you’re a woman was despicable. Sadly, you needed this job and it would only be for a few months. So, when you told him you’d take the job you swallowed every ounce of respect you had for yourself. Knockemstiff was truly the worst town in America.

“Sounds great. We’ll see you tomorrow for training. There’s no dress code but there are a few things you’ll need to know before starting. I’ll fill you in once we start your training tomorrow.” He shook your hand again, completely ignoring the furious grimace on your face.

“Great. See you tomorrow.” You mumbled, walking away so you didn’t ‘accidentally’ hit your new boss.

//

Before heading home you decided to stop and grab some things for the house. Being sick, your momma didn’t eat much besides soup, and there was an over abundance of vanilla flavored Ovaltine cans littering the kitchen counters, which you hated.

The second the doors opened, all eyes were on you. You even heard a faint gasp coming from the woman at the register. A smirk crept upon your face. These people's lives were so boring that they still aren’t over your breakup that happened so long ago. Rolling your eyes, you grabbed a cart and headed down the produce aisle.

Once you grabbed the vegetables you’d need for a stew, you headed towards the baking aisle. You need the ingredients for an upside down pineapple cake your momma used to make for you as a kid. Your aunt was coming into town on Saturday to lend a hand and celebrate her birthday. You told her to go have fun, but she insisted on spending her special day with you.

As you searched for the baking soda, you heard your name.

“Did you see Y/n’s back in town?” A lady with a high pitched voice whispered.

“I did. I just saw her. Poor thing. She’s probably still caught up on the sheriff. Prolly wish it was her that was on his arm instead of Laura-Jean.”

You rolled your eyes.

“I know it. Wouldn’t you, though? He’s so handsome.” The lady with the high patched voice giggled.

“Oh, hush! Don’t say things like that.” The other lady joined the high pitched one in whispered giggles. “Oh my goodness, here he comes.” She cleared her throat, “Afternoon, Sheriff.”

“Evenin’,Ladies. Y’all behavin’ yourselves?” You could hear the smirk in his voice.

They both giggled and in unison said, “Yes, Sheriff.”

“Oh give me a break.” You grimaced to yourself.

“Heard Y/n’s back in town.” The high pitched one spoke up. Your face burned. Why would they bring you up to him so bluntly like that? Everyone in this town was so unbelievably nosy.

“I- I heard. Actually just went to see her yesterday.” He said, clearing his throat.

“Uh-oh, the misses didn’t like that, I’m sure.” They giggled.

“Oh, no. She didn’t mind. I was just droppin’ by to give her my condolences about her momma dyin’. Then, she slammed the door in my face. I guess she’s still pretty upset with me.” He was pouting, trying to get some sort of sympathy. If you rolled your eyes any harder you thought they’d pop out of your head.

“Oh, you poor thing. Is there anything we can-“

Suddenly the baking soda slipped from your hand and scattered all other the floor in a puff of dust. “Shit, shit, shit.” You whispered to yourself.

“What was that?” One of the ladies asked.

“Excuse me, ladies.” Lee said. You could hear his boots clacking against the floor on there way over to you.

Shit.

You desperately wanted to run away but leaving this mess for someone to clean up wasn’t right, not even with the predicament you found yourself in. “Well, well, well,” Lee mocked as he rounded the corner. “Only here for less than a day and you’re already causin’ trouble.”

“Stay out of this, Bodecker.” You huff, trying to scoop the baking soda back into the card box it spilled from.

“Was you eavesdroppin’, girl?” He asked, kicking the soul of your shoe.

You scoffed, “Oh, please. I could give two shits what you say about me, Bodecker.”

He leaned in close, hovering over your left side. You heard him chuckle which startled you. He was so close. You could feel the familiar heat radiating from his body and smell that familiar cologne. His lips came down close to your ear. He licked them and then whispered, “If ya weren’t eavesdroppin’, how’d ya know I was talkin’ bout you, hm?”

Your eyes shuttered closed as he spoke, feeling his hot breath against your cheek. His deep southern drawl always made you weak. It took you back to those times in the back of the cruiser. He whispered such dirty praises in your ear when you would ride his cock. Those dirty words that could make you cum in seconds.

“You still with me, doll?” You felt him tuck a strand of your hair behind your ear.

You flitched and stood up, “I- don’t touch me and stop calling me doll, alright? I really don’t have time for your games today, sheriff, and I’m not even really sure what you’re playin’ at in the first place.”

He smirked, running a thumb across his lip, “Darlin, I think the only thing I ever played was you..”

“I-“ your breath hitched in the back of your throat, “I have to go.” You turned to walk away, leaving the mess you’d made and your cart behind. Your eyes welled up with tears again. You didn’t know the man that stood in front of you. Lee was nothing but good to you when you dated and now he’s the most hateful man you’d ever met. The man you loved had disappeared and there’s nothing you could do to bring him back, no matter how bad you wanted to. A tear stained your cheek as you sped through the aisle. You could hear Lee hollering for you to stop but you wouldn’t this time.

All the heartbreak and sorrow that you’d left behind was creeping its way back in. The sooner you sold the house and got the hell out of there, the better.

Dividers by: @firefly-in-darkness

Taglist: @haydens-moles , @c00lkidvibes , @tcc-gizmachine , @buckysm3talarm , @gogolucky13 , @cryptidcasanova , @heavenlyseb , @writersbuck , @teddy-bearbaby , @bbmommy0902 , @sweetllamaparadise , @thereblogcrusader , @aleemendoza2425-blog , @frostbytebaby , @jessyballet , @emotionallyandphysicallydone , @sarge-barnes-sir , @generalbagelcookieslime , @lady-loki-ren , @dime-piece-xo , @greeneyedblondie44

(Dm me to be added to taglist)

[shyficwriter]

You Laugh, You lose

Guardians of the Galaxy fanfic | Reader x Yondu, Kraglin, Peter

Summary: You're stuck on planet until morning when a part fails on Yondu's M-ship, so Peter suggests a game to pass the time.

Author’s Note: This is the fluffy/funny fic I promised to make up for the two angsty fics before it. Hope you like it! Also shoutout to @badjokesbyjeff where I got most of these jokes from.

Word Count: 3,100

One rule.

You laugh. You lose.

Ok, maybe there were a couple more rules than that, but that was the gist.

It was a game often played between you and Peter, and occasionally also with Yondu or Kraglin on long job travels to kill the boredom.

The goal? Make the other person laugh. If you succeed, you win. You fail, then the game continues until someone loses it and laughs. Winner gets bragging rights, loser usually has to buy a round of drinks for the rest.

The game had originally started out with the one rule, but over time a couple more rules had been added. One of these rules was that stuff like tickling was cheating. You'd think this would have been an obvious rule to start with, but when it was you losing the game to tickles, Peter didn't mind. Less competition, right? But once the tables were turned and he lost a round, then suddenly tickling was "major cheating" and "totally unfair!" So, naturally, now there was a "no touching" rule during the game.

Another rule that needed to be added later was that Yondu couldn't gibberish talk his way to a win. It just gave him too much of an unfair advantage over you and Kraglin, who would crack up very quickly upon being face to face with a deadpan Yondu talking to you in pure nonsense. Peter was the only one of you three not really effected by it, as he found it more annoying than anything else.

Of course, Yondu tried to use his status as captain to veto this rule, but after a vote of 3-1 against the gibberish, he finally relented, stating that, "Aw, fine! I don't need to do that to win anyway!"

However, this didn't stop him from slipping a little in from time to time, always claiming he "forgot."

Sure, Yondu. Sure.

That was pretty much the main rules. The rest were more just guidelines. Like, smiling was allowed, as it didn't count as laughing, but too sharp of an exhale out your nose while smiling could be considered a laugh. Stuff like that.

Today happened to be one of those days where a job had run long, or rather, the trip did.

The job actually went fairly smoothly, to Yondu's surprise. However, when it was all said and done and it was time to leave, the ship wouldn't start.

Luckily, Yondu knew a guy who could fix the problem (just something minor with the fuel intake, but at the same time not something that Yondu could fix without replacing a part he didn't have and certain tools he didn't bring with him.) Only problem was the guy couldn't get the part in until the morning.

So you were all stuck there. Until morning. On a patch of the planet that wasn't within reasonable walking distance of anything fun. Plus it was raining, so you were all more or less confined to the ship for the evening.

Great.

So that's why Peter proposed a game of You Laugh You Lose.

At first Yondu didn't want to, being grumpy about being stranded for the night over such a minor fix and all, but Kraglin managed to convince him in hopes it would lift his spirits.

Now, playing with four people was a little different than one on one. With two people you'd sit facing your opponent and take turns trying to make the other laugh. When starting with four you all sat around the table, each person taking a turn in attempts to get any of the other three to laugh. If someone cracks, regardless of who made them laugh, they're out, and can act as referees, or mildly help crack the others if they choose. Also, instead of the just first to lose owing everyone a round a drinks, all three losers would owe a round, pretty much ensuring the winner 3 free drinks the next time they went out.

Peter sat directly in front of you at the small table, with Yondu to your left and Kraglin sitting directly in front of him. The four of you took a second to fully compose yourselves, making your faces as expressionless as possible, and then Peter started.

He stared you dead in the eye. "Why do bees hum?" he asked, waiting a moment, more for comedic timing than an actual answer, as was how many of the jokes told in the game went. When no one spoke up he said, "Because they don't know the words."

You exhaled slowly through your nose and shook your head, the known sign for, "That the best you got?"

Kraglin's turn now. He took a different approach. He crossed his eyes and in a deadpan voice said, "Wanna hear a joke about a piece of paper?"

Yondu raised an eyebrow, but shook his head when Kraglin continued, "Never mind, it's tearable." Peter made the universal noise for having heard a bad joke.

Your turn. "What did the A'askavariian say after a bad night out?"

"What?" asked Kraglin.

"Wouldn't know. You should ask Peter."

Peter made a scandalized noise. "One time!"

You saw Yondu's mouth twitch, but he quickly recovered. Kraglin took a deep breath and exhaled to keep it together.

Yondu's turn. He told another joke at Peter's expense, and actually made himself crack a smile when Peter protested again. You and Kraglin fought back grins as Peter took his turn.

"What's Beethoven's favorite fruit?"

The three of you shake your heads, though in Yondu and Kraglin's case you were sure it was more because they didn't know who Beethoven was. This was then confirmed by Kraglin asking, "Who's that?"

Peter didn't answer the question, instead letting out a, "Ba-na-NA-NA!"

Peter said this so suddenly and loudly that even Yondu jerked his head back in startled surprise, as did Kraglin, but Kraglin also had to stop himself from barking out a startled laugh. You, however, had to try much harder to keep yourself from laughing. It wasn't even that good of a joke, but his delivery had you biting your tongue to keep it together. Yondu didn't get the joke, but assumed it likely would have been real funny on Terra as he watched you try to steady your breathing just as Kraglin took his turn.

"Ya know the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer? ... The taste."

That one received a collective groan and a look of disgust from you and Peter. Yondu looked almost impressed as he shook his head.

It was your turn again. "I once watched a documentary on how ships are kept together. It was... riveting." You wiggled your eyebrows on the punchline, but only received a mock-disappointed stare from the others at your awful pun.

Instead of a joke, Yondu decided on his next turn to tell a story. "One time we were on a job on Krylor," he began, "and a pretty lil' miss thing caught Peter's eye..."

Peter's eyes widened. He had a bad feeling about which story Yondu was about to tell. "Yondu, don't." he warned flatly.

Yondu only grinned and ignored him "He goes sauntering up to her, trying to be all smooth like.."

"Yondu, seriously." Peter warned again. Again, Yondu ignored him. By now you and Kraglin were already grinning from Peter's reaction alone.

"But the boy ain't watchin' where he's goin', he slips on an empty soda can and falls flat on his face right in front of her. But that's not the best part-"

"I will seriously kill you, ya blue dick!" Peter was getting so red and flustered you had to bite your tongue, as did Kraglin who's nostrils where flaring with the effort.

"It had rained that mornin', and he had been just unlucky enough to land on a puddle, and when he stood up it looked like he'd gone and done pissed himself. I don't think I need to say he didn't wind up gettin' the girl."

That broke Kraglin. He snorted a laugh and Yondu clapped his hands together, shouting, "Gotcha! Yer out!"

Kraglin groaned out a, "I don't know why those stories always get me!" but sat back grinning anyways as Peter buried his scarlet face in his hands whining, "So uncool!"

Peter composed himself and glared at Yondu. "Alright. What about that time you accidentally switched the intercom on while listening to that Brittany Spears music from Terra?"

Yondu just stared at him stonily, no hint of emotion, refusing to dignify the story with a response, although you almost thought you could see his face slightly darken. Kraglin, even though he was out, pretended to be very interested in the table and after an awkward beat you decided to take your turn, because there's no way you'd let yourself laugh at Yondu's music choices if you knew what was good for you.

"SO- Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now." you say in an attempt to bring the game back to jokes lest you be the next one they decide to dredge up an embarrassing story about.

Yondu turned his attention to you. "Ya know, I think the toilet has anger issues," he said. You gave him a confused look and he continued, "Whenever I flush it, it completely loses its shit."

You fight a smile. Peter does the same despite himself still being cranky about Yondu's previous story. Kraglin, however, openly giggles at the joke.

Peter quickly steadies his breathing and says, "There were once two guys flying a ship in dead space. One turns to his buddy and says: 'Damn, I can’t find any milk for my coffee.' His friend replies: 'In space no one can, here use cream.'"

You raised an eyebrow in confusion momentarily before throwing your head back with a groan as you got the joke. "That's a terrible joke!" you say, allowing yourself to grin.

"But you wanna laugh, don't you?" Peter teased.

You playfully glare at him and take your turn instead of answering. "Which is heavier, 200 lbs of feathers, or 200 lbs of bricks?"

Now Yondu raised an eyebrow. "They'd weigh the same, kid."

You try not to grin as you shake your head. "Nah. It's the feathers, because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds."

Yondu propped his elbow on the table and half-hid his grin behind his hand as he nodded his head in approval, before being mildly startled by the sound of a laugh escaping Peter's gritted teeth. Yondu joyfully slapped the table and pointed at Peter. "Yer out too, boy!"

"Aw, dammit!" Peter cried out, but he wasn't angry anymore. He followed Kraglin's lead and relaxed in his chair knowing he was now able to laugh freely at any corny jokes that came.

Yondu smirks at you. "And then there were two."

Crap. You had really been hoping you wouldn't need to square up against him alone. He was really good at this game, and rarely broke. You, however, always had to fight super hard against turning into a giggly little mess, and usually lost. There was just something about his ability to deliver the jokes with a completely deadpan or stern face that always broke you, but this time you were going to try your best to avoid that.

"I was kidnapped by mimes once." he said, "They did unspeakable things to me."

You inhaled deeply, and let it out slowly, shaking your head as you did so and giving a look that said 'Damn you.' "What’s the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?" you begin, continuing after a beat, "The amateur thief says, 'Give me all your money!' The professional thief says, 'Sign here please.'"

Yondu nodded his head thoughtfully. "That's actually pretty accurate. Not sure that's even a joke..." he grinned, almost taunting you at the inability to draw a laugh from him. His turn now. "Two burglars are robbin' a liquor store. One turns to the other an' asks, 'Is this whiskey?' The other replies, “Yeah, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank.” Of course, this last line was delivered with a clean slate of emotion, your weakness.

Fuck.

You had to turn your head away from him as you fought to keep your breathing in check, your lips pressed together, threatening to betray you.

"Ay Ay! No looking away you coward!" Peter laughed, prompting you to face him instead. You flipped him off, your grin finally splitting your face.

"There it is! Come on, you know ya wanna laugh." Yondu teased, grinning at how your nostrils flared when you turned back to glare at him. An unconvincing glare, but it was the best you could manage.

After a couple deep breaths with your hands balled into fists you thought you had calmed down enough to take your turn. "I yelled “COW!” at a woman on a bike once. She flipped me off and then ran straight into the cow..." You raised your hands and shrugged your shoulders in mock exasperation. "I tried!"

Peter laughed while Kraglin and Yondu just shared an amused glance.

"Ya know, I might've actually found that funny... if I knew what a cow was." Yondu taunted, grinning as your shoulders fell in realization.

That made Peter snort, probably for no other reason than he now just had a case of the giggles. But the look on your face was probably part of it. His snort in turn made you grin, his laughter contagious.

This gave Yondu an idea. Grinning evilly he reached over to poke Peter in the side, making the younger man jerk almost violently away with a giggle. Kraglin chuckled as Peter protested, "Hey! You know that's cheating!"

"Nah, you're out, boy. There ain't no rule that says I can't use it on someone that's outta the game." Yondu argued playfully, throwing a look at Kraglin who took the hint and poked Peter from the other side.

"Hey!" Peter whined, the pitiful sound making you cover your mouth to hide your widening grin.

Kraglin stood so he could tickle Peter properly, seeing your amusement at his predicament, and you clenched your jaw as streams of your friend's laughter mixed with uncharacteristically high pitched, "No!"s and "Please!"s poured from his mouth before he managed to escape Kraglin's grip and hop away from the table, clutching his sides and catching his breath. Just in time too, because you were worried that might've actually broken you if Peter hadn't stopped his girly ticklish squeals.

Yondu must've realized this too because he snapped his fingers in mock frustration, and conceded that it was your turn again. In truth he was glad Peter got away as well. The plan had almost backfired on him, nearly having made him laugh at the sight as well.

You had to restart your joke twice, each time having to stop yourself from accidentally laughing so you wouldn't lose. Eventually you finally got out, "Guy with a gun enters a bar... He cries out angrily: 'Who the fuck had sex with my wife?'... A voice was heard in the background, "You don’t have enough bullets mate!”

Yondu grinned, looking down at the table before nodding. "I like that one. It's good." However, he didn't laugh, just went straight into his next joke. "Nurse hands a man his newborn and says 'I’m sorry, but your wife didn’t make it.' He hands it back, saying, 'Well give me the one my wife made.'"

Your eyes went wide. "Yondu!" you scold. "That's terrible!"

"Don't give me that! I can see ya fighting not to laugh."

It was true. As much as the joke was bad, you couldn't help it. There's nothing that makes someone want to laugh more than knowing you can't laugh. Everything's funnier when you can't laugh. You roll your eyes and deliver your next joke. "Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road? ... It got stuck in a crack."

Peter cracked up at that, moving to sit back down with a warning glance at Kraglin, who held up his hands as a sign that he wasn't going to tickle him again. Kraglin then shook his head with a wide grin as he watched Yondu run his tongue over his teeth and look down as he tried to suppress a smile.

Yondu inhaled. "Damn. Ya almost got me."

You grinned wide and bit your tongue. You almost got yourself.

"Ya wanna hear a joke 'bout construction?"

You let out a dramatic sigh. "You're gonna tell it anyway, might as well."

"I'm still workin' on it."

You smack your hand on your thigh and jerk your head to the side as your breath hitched. "Fuck you!" you say, a wide grin plastered to your face.

Now Peter and Kraglin were laughing at yours and Yondu's reactions more than anything else.

"Ya wanna tap out now? There's no shame if ya do." Yondu teased.

"Fuck you." you say again. "What did the plumber say to the singer?" You cursed yourself for not being able to come up with a better joke, but delivered the punch-line anyway. "Nice pipes."

Yondu didn't even crack a smile a that, not that you blamed him. He asked, "What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?"

"I don-"

"TIMING!" Yondu shouted so suddenly that you jerked back and a startled laugh finally broke free from your throat, and once it was out it was like a dam had collapsed- you couldn't hold back the torrent of giggles that had built up for so long.

"Dude! You can't just yell stuff out like that!" you scold, still giggling as you held a hand to your heart, "You scared me!"

"Made ya laugh though, that's what counts." he grinned. He stood up from the table and stretched. "Looks like I win." He ruffled your hair and you swatted him away playfully.

"One of these days I'll get you!" you say.

"Then why don't ya put your money where your mouth is," Kraglin laughed, Peter nodding with him, saying, "Yeah, you two face off again. Right now. Loser pays for everyone's drinks for the night next time we go out."

Still giggly you glance from Peter and Kraglin to a smug looking Yondu standing and grinning at you with his arms crossed.

With a giggly sigh you bow your head and concede. "I can't. I'm not ready."

Yondu lets out a chuckle and pulls you in to give you a noogie. "That's what I thought."

[sometimes-i-write-4-you]

Steven Hyde x reader

Butterflies. Terrible.

Trigger warnings: weed (probably badly written cause I don't smoke but I tried), cursing, some angst I guess.

I sat in the basement, watching TV and eating chips. I was in my brothers superman pajama, which I steal from time to time from the laundry. He didn't care until the time Steven saw me wearing it and now he won't stop reminding Eric his pjs fit his baby sister. To be fair, he had it for years, it's just really stretchy, and I have to tie a double not for the pants not to fall. Steven didn't care about the small details tho.

It was quite, which was unusual. The longer I sat there the more it bothered me. Something was off. Why isn't my brother here? Where's his friends? They can't be at the hub, they'd invite me. Sure I was a year younger, but I had weed connections plus, it is my birthday. Wait a minute. It's my birthday. I turned off the tv and went upstairs.

"Oh, honey, why are you still in your pajamas?" My mom asked when you entered the kitchen. "Because only you, dad and Eric are going to see me, and You saw me in my pink faze, these superman pajamas are an upgrade" i replied, taking some water out of the fridge. "We are not the only ones who are going to see you" My mom said, but once she realised what it meant, she hurried up and added "not because i'm throwing you a party, it's just that, um, Steven lives here! he'll see you" she said. "Yeah, Steven already saw me wearing this, and as much as I hate being seen in the same outfit twice I could not care less" I said, and left the kitchen to go to my room. "Wait!" My mom said before I could follow through with my plan. "I need you to go get some sugar from the store. So put on some normal clothes, preferably fancy. Something you'd wear for a party, you know, just so that people can look at you and know you are the birthday girl. A birthday girl, in general" my mom said. "Fine" I sighed, and went upstairs to get ready.

I got to the store, wearing a bottom up with a fun print on it tucked in a Jean skirt. My shoes had a small heel, just enough to a little fancy, yet casual if paired with the right outfit. Now, where's the sugar… I finally found it, and went to the counter.

"Hi, (y/n)" the cashier smiled at me, "happy birthday" he added, taking the sugar from my hands. "Hi Derek" I smiled at him. Derek is my classmate (and my weed connection), who is incredibly hot with his dark hair, and eyes as blue as the sea, but he's as desperate as Fez if not more. "Thanks" I added, just to be nice. "and that'll be 2 dollars, should be 2.50 but, I'll give you a happy birthday discount" he said, "I also forgot to give someone 50 cents back, so..". I laughed,  he was charming in his own way. "Well, I'll see you later at your party" he said, waving goodbye. "I fucking knew it" you muttered as you waved him goodbye. 

I got back home to find Hyde sitting in the basement, wearing a decent button up. “Yo, Hyde, whatcha doing?” I asked, sitting down next to him. “Watching TV in hopes your mom won’t call me upstairs for your party. I am not going to hang out with a bunch of 17 year olds” he said. “You’re hanging out with me” i said, “and i was 16 until today” i said. “Yeah, but you’re forman’s sister” he replied, ending the conversation. “By the way, 17 suites ya” he said. “Thanks hyde” I smiled. “Ya know what, as a birthday gift, here, take a sip of my beer” he said, handing me the can in his hand (obviously it was wrapped so it looked like a can of orange soda). “Hyde. I drank with you guys more than a sip of beer” I said. “Fine, take the whole can. Women, you give ‘em a finger they grab your wallet” he sighed as i took the can off of his hand. I laughed and took a sip. “Steven. Come upstairs. I need your help with something only a man can help me with” i hear my mom. “Ask donna!” Hyde called back. I laughed. “STEVEN” my mom yells. “Well, (y/n), i gotta go" he says, tapping on my thigh. I smiled at him, "bye for now". Gid, I hope he didn't notice me blushing.

A few moment later I was called upstairs too to find my mom, my dad, my brother and the gang plus a few of my classmates. "Suprise!" They all called in unison. "Wow! I cannot belive it, mom, you throw me a party?" I said, and Derek looked confused. "I told you I'll see you at the party-" "shhhh" I cut him off. My mom bought the fact I was surprised every single year. She looked at me, then at him, confused. "You? Really? I do not…. Okay fine mom, I knew about the party. I know every year" I finally admit. "I can not belive you…" she opened her mouth, but gave up and left the livingroom, allowing us kids have fun. My dad walked behind her, in a mission to comfort her. 

The hours passed by, and most of the people left. It was now the gang, me and Derek. Turns out the guy actually has a personality. We laughed and talked, and I was actually having a decent time. I sat with him on the couch,  drinking a beer sponsored by Kelso. "Okay, okay, so here's a joke. Once there was this doctor, and he visited a mental hospital, y'know, for like, crazy people. Then one of the guys just slaps him, like" he said, and then softly "slapped" me. His hand stayed on my cheek for a moment, but soon enough he needed it for his overly dramatic way of talking. So many hand gestures. "And then the doctor goes to the principal and he's all like, "why did this guy slap me?" And the principal is like "that's just how they say hi here" so the doctor is like, okay, whatever, and he keeps walking around and then that guy slaps him not once, but 10 times. Now, one time is acceptable, y'know, it's polite to say hello, but 10? That's crossing a line" Derek said, and I laughed. "I'm not even at the punchline!" Derek smiled, nudging my shoulder and smoothly resting his hand on my shoulder as he took a sip of his own beer. "So anyway, he goes back to the principal, and he tells him just that. The principal looks at him and say, "well, this one stutters" " Derek smiles. I laugh, and so does the rest of the gang who apparently listened. The only one not laughing was Hyde, "yeah, saw that joke on playboy too" he said. "There are jokes on playboy?" Eric asks. I look at him, mortified. I did not need to know my brother.. uses these. "Because I don't… I don't have any, so like, maybe I should get one to check out the jokes" Eric said, attempting to save himself from Donna's stare. She rolled her eyes and decided to let it go. "Well, it's getting late, I should probably head home" Derek said, and took my hand, dragging me to the door and hugging me goodbye.

"Finally, I was dying for a smoke" Kelso sighed, and grabbed a metal box off of his pocket, taking out a joint as the rest of the group arranged in the infamous circle. "Y'know he is my weed guy, right?" I say, and he looks at me surprised. "Are you kidding me? He can get you weed, he looks good, he is funny, and so clearly into you? Girl, make a move" Donna says, nudging you. "He is not good looking" Hyde says, taking a puff off of the joint Kelso just passed him. "He is" Jackie said, "like, really good looking" I agreed. "Whatever, man" Hyde sighed, giving up, "but you gotta admit, the weed I get is better, I'm better looking and I'm also funnier" Hyde said. "Whatever, man" I mimic his tone, taking the joint off of his hands. "Guys,do you think I have a chance with the pretty lady that was at the party?" Fez asked. "You mean Josaleen? I've seen you talking to her" Jackie said. "I don't know her name, she said it but I was focused on… something else" Fez admitted. "Oh, definitely Josaleen. She was wearing this top, i wouldn't even call it a top, her boobs were completely out, she's such a slut. She'll sleep with anyone" Jackie said, taking a break from talking to inhale the smoke, "so no, I don't think you have a chance Fez". "But I am anyone" Fez said. He sounded so broken, "and she gave me her number, look!" He added, showing us a piece of paper he kept in his pocket. "Sweet!" Kelso smiled, taking the number off of Fez's hands, "thanks men, I'll call her later".

The next day, I went to the basement to find Hyde smoking all alone. "Hey man" I said, jumping on the couch from behind it, grabbing the joint off of his hands. "Hey" he says, taking the rolled cigarette before I could smoke it. "Hyde, are you okay? You were kinda quiet at the circle. You barely even laughed when kelso stole the number of the hot girl from Fez" I said, resting my hand on his far shoulder. "Yeah, I'm fine" he said, blowing the smoke and handing me the joint. I took it, "yeah okay". I gave up getting anything out of him. He just had no emotions and I had to face it. This is why I said yes when Derek asked me out over the phone two minutes ago. He doesn't make butterflies appear in my stomach like Hyde does, and his touch doesn't burn my skin but whatever, Hyde is a non-reachable dream. "Listen, uhm, Derek asked me out" I said, a part of me hoping he'd get jealous. "poor guy" he said. "Why's that?" I ask him. "Well, you crushed his heart. You shouldn't have let him hold your hand and be all over you, got his hopes high" Hyde said as he took his cigarette back. "Actually I said yes. Donna was right, ya'know, he is hot, funny and got weed connections" I say, moving my hand that still rested on him. He faced me, shocked. "But you deserve better than that drug-dealing-playboy-reading, pot-head teen" Hyde said. "You're a drug-dealing-playboy-reading, pot-head teen!" I reply, slightly amused but mostly upset. "Well, I'm better at it!" Hyde replies, and gets up. "Whatever, man" he says, and makes his way to the door. "No, non of that whatever man shit, hyde. Sit down and tell me why the fuck do you care" I say, and Hyde turns around. "He's just trying to get in your pants cause your hot" Hyde replies. "I- did you just say I'm hot?" I say, tempted to laugh. "No, I didn't. Look, (y/n), all I know is that you can do better than him" Hyde says, turning off the bearly used cigarette and resting it in the ashtray. He finally sat back down next to me. "Look, Hyde, in case you missed it, there aren't any guys lining up to date me. Is it so hard for you to believe someone can be actually interested in me for more than sex?" I sigh. "It's not, you're a cool person, (y/n) it's just… god, how do I explain that? I don't want you to get hurt okay? You're like… my best friend's sister, and…" he started, but gave up what he wanted to say. "And…" I ask. "Do you promise not to laugh?" He says. "Sure" I say, intrigued. "Well, it's just that… When i’m around you, i have this annoying feeling like- like there are butterflies in my stomach. Have you ever felt that? It’s terrible" he says. "I know what you mean, got someone that makes me feel like that too. It is terrible" I agree. "Derek, I'm assuming? I really think that-" he starts, but something cuts him off, and I am proud to say that something is my lips crushing into his. He breaks the kiss quickly. "Woah, man, hold up" he smiles. "God, I'm so sorry" I say, covering my mouth, "i- I guess I misunderstood you" I say, getting up. "Nononono you didn't, you didn't!" He calls, grabbing my hand and pulling me to the couch. I fall right in his lap. "I just wanted to make sure you mean it" he admits, looking anywhere but into my eyes. "I do mean it" I say, cupping his cheeks as he pulls me back into a second kiss. This time we are far more into the kiss, our lips move in perfect synchronization. It was amazing, I bet Hyde is a much better kisser than Derek. "Wait" I say, cutting off the kiss even tho I wish the moment would last forever. "I need to cancel on Derek".

[lnarizakis]

the punchline | h. shoyo

masterlist | cards against humanity x haikyuu!!

pairing: hinata shoyo x gen!reader

foreword: i’m on that writing grind, y’all. i hope you guys like this!! i really like writing this <3 btw: i based this on the assumption that the characters (except for the reader) have never heard the joke mentioned in the fic before.

look out for: no warnings!

“why did the chicken cross the road?” + “a fool.”

“Ah, you’re finally done, Shoyo.”

The orange-haired boy made his way towards the group of three, consisting of his middle school friends Izumi Yukitaka, Sekimukai Koji, and (L/N) (Y/N). The four of them were gathered around by the park near their school, where Hinata had just finished practicing volleyball. It was tragic that he could not form a whole volleyball team, as he was the only member of the actual club, so he resorted to practicing on his own. It was a quiet Friday — they had just finished classes for the week, the sun was setting, and the only noise that was made in the vicinity was the sound of Hinata’s feet shuffling their way towards the group. They had situated themselves by the swing set, with (Y/N) and Izumi sitting on the swings, and Koji leaning against the metal pole that held up the swings. Hinata crouched down to pick up his soda, which stood more than half full, on the ground. He took a long swig, then sighed out loud. His friends laughed at his tiredness.

“Hey,” Hinata drawled, “I’m not some joke you guys laugh at!” They continued on with their laughs. In time, Hinata smirked, finding their laughter contagious. He soon joined in. It was a nice day.

“Y’know, I’ve got a joke. Got it straight from America,” (Y/N), who had recently moved to Japan from America, proudly claimed. The three other boys looked at them with curiosity in their eyes.

“Well, now you gotta tell us, (Y/N)-chan,” Shoyo teased.

“Alright, alright. It’s a stupid joke, though,” (Y/N) lamented, “Okay, here it goes: ��Why did the chicken cross the road?’” The group went silent. They thought long and hard about what the punchline could be, but to no avail. Why did the chicken cross the road? After a couple minutes, which, to (Y/N) and the rest, seemed like an excruciating seven hours, Hinata’s face lit up with a sure fire answer in his eyes.

“A fool! Because the chicken is a fool!”

The group, once again, went silent. That was… far from what the punchline was. Judging eyes bore into Hinata’s skin, from which he got shivers.

“Shoyo… that’s not… right…” Izumi and Koji muttered. Hinata turned to them.

“Huh?! That’s not right?” He repeated, practically shouting directly in their faces. Hinata shifted his gaze towards (Y/N), who had the punchline waiting in their mind. They shook their head, keeping their face down low towards the ground so the others couldn’t see the creeping smile on their face, a direct result of Hinata’s unintentionally humorous answer.

The ringing of a cell phone broke the silence, and (Y/N) pulled their cell phone out of their backpack. They flipped open the phone, and muttered a few “okay”s and after an “okay, bye, love you,” (Y/N) had to tell their friends goodbye. Dinner was ready. They hopped out of the swing seat, grabbed their backpack, and made their way back home.

Right when (Y/N) was out of sight, Hinata exclaimed, “Oh no, I forgot to ask them what the punchline to the joke was!” Izumi and Koji resumed their laughter. The latter playfully punched Hinata on the arm as he told Hinata just to forget about it.

And so he did.

—

A few years later, Hinata and (Y/N) stared outside the window of the third years’ hallway. The day had just ended, and Hinata was stalling some time before he had to go to practice. Outside, they watched the basketball club begin their jog, and a multitude of students walking out of the school gates, leaving for home. As they remained people-watching, they observed a tiny Kageyama Tobio making his way towards the club room. Hinata gasped out loud, clearly surprised to see someone he recognized as he people-watched. (Y/N) replicated his actions, and they both laughed at the small exchange.

“Kageyama-kun would hate us if he knew we were laughing at him while staring at him through a window,” (Y/N) said, adding in a few giggles between words. Hinata promptly agreed, snickering as well. As their laughter died down, they both sighed in relief, content to get a good laugh out of their system. They resumed looking out the window. This little moment of theirs continued on for several minutes, until (Y/N) broke the silence.

“You know, I’m moving back to America to study at a four-year university,” they solemnly mentioned. Hinata exhaled through his nose, telling them, “I know.”

“Well, I’ve got a little something as a reminder of me,” (Y/N) stated. In hopes to cheer Hinata up, they recited their little something: “Why did the chicken cross the road?”

Hey, Hinata’s heard this one before.

“You told me this before. Back when we were in middle school.” Hinata smiled a toothy grin. He then pursed his lips as he thought, once again, long and hard about his answer to the question. He hummed as he thought. Before he could give any answer, however, a timid voice made itself known from behind the two of them.

“Um, Hinata-senpai. Coach Ukai wants you to go to the club room now.” It was the first-year manager-in-training. Like Yachi in her first year, she was a shy girl still nervous about her surroundings — especially her very tall surroundings as she helped out with the volleyball club.

“Oh!” Hinata exclaimed, “I totally forgot! I’ll see ya later, (Y/N)!”

“Yep. See you later, Shoyo.” They turned their head towards the window once again. After what had only been a minute, they watched Hinata run across the area which they could see outside the window and towards the club room. Ever the speedy boy he was.

As Hinata ran, with the manager following some distance behind him, he only just remembered, once again, that he forgot to answer why the chicken crossed the road. He groaned out loud.

—

“... And (Y/N)— don’t think we haven’t noticed that American accent of yours!”

It’s been seven years since they graduated. It was a cold January night when Hinata, Izumi, Koji, and (Y/N) met up once again. They found themselves huddled together in a corner booth of a barbecue restaurant, with the sound of meat sizzling on the grill before them and the scent of it rising up in the air in front of them. They were celebrating a small reunion of friends together, with (Y/N) fresh from America. Laughter rang in the air once again. True, speaking in English for seven years had taken its effect on (Y/N)’s accent as they spoke to them with an American accent laced in their Japanese.

“Oh! Hey, guys, I’ve got a joke for you all!” Hinata exclaimed. He had the same kind of excitement in his eyes found in the brightness of his eyes in his middle school days.

“Alright, shoot! I’m sure I can come up with something funnier,” Izumi jokes.

“Okay, okay. It goes like this: ‘Why did the chicken cross the road?’”

Everyone goes quiet. There’s a vague memory in the back of their heads that’s revived itself, reminding them what happened the last time (Y/N) asked that question. Hinata said the punchline so, so wrong. They were expecting him to say the wrong punchline once more, until he blurted out something totally different.

“To get to the other side!”

(Y/N) sputtered out their food that they were currently chewing. He said the joke correctly?! Even though the past times they’d ask that joke he said it completely wrong! He did it! They began laughing, and everyone else joined in. No, they weren’t laughing because of Hinata’s joke. Rather, they were laughing because Hinata finally got the joke. After all these years, he finally got the punchline.

Later, after the check was paid, Izumi and Koji bid Hinata and (Y/N) goodbye as they made their ways back home. And so that left Hinata and (Y/N) alone together, standing outside the restaurant in the cold. It was a dark night, with only the light of the restaurant inside along with the single street lamp lighting up their surroundings. It was practically scenery begging to be used as a confession scene. (Y/N) broke the silence.

“So, you finally got the punchline.” Hinata let the smile stay on his face. Warmth rushed in his cheeks, and he’d like to say that it was 60% because of the fact they were outside in the cold, and 40% because of (Y/N).

“Yeah. I couldn’t stop thinking about it ever since you left me to wonder back in middle school.”

(Y/N) realized it at that moment. They never really told Hinata the punchline themself. “Oh, you’re right. My bad.” They chuckled. Hinata exhaled through his nose, letting out a slight chuckle as well. Hinata straightened his back, and pushed his hands into the pockets of his puffy jacket to keep himself warm.

“Well, it was nice seeing you, (Y/N). I hope to see you around some time.” He held out his hand, giving them a peace sign, as he made his way towards his bike on the bike rack.

“Wait.”

Hinata stopped in his tracks.

“When can we see each other again?” (Y/N) asked him. Oh, how he thought they would never ask.

“Hmm, let’s see… there’s yesterday… and in a couple hours… there’s tomorrow… and in a few seconds… there’s today… and in thirty minutes…” he droned. (Y/N) crossed their arms.

“Shoyo… is there a punchline to this?”

He laughed. “Of course not! I’m just getting back at you for making me wait forever to know what the punchline was… and to see you again.”

“So when can we see each other again?”

“... How about tomorrow, at noon? Let’s meet by the park near Yukigaoka.”

[soyouareandrewdobson]

There must be something in the water...

This comic by Dobson, is in my opinion one that really serves as one of the biggest self owns in his history, once you know a few things about the quote and are familiar with the work of the person who said it AND Dobson’s output .

See, the quote “My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. Everybody drinks water.“ is alluded to none other than one of America’s greatest writers in the 19th century. Samuel L. Clemens. Or as he is known to many people worldwide, Mark Twain.

Now let me admit, I have not really read much of Clemen’s work in my life, but I have read articles about him, saw quotes of him, read up on his life as well as his social opinions and thanks to popculture osmosis I am aware of the plot outlines of works like “The Prince and the Pauper” and “The Adventures of Tom Sawyer”. I say plot outlines, cause lets face it, those movie adaptations we all know and love obviously miss the point of Clemens social satire he either hid well in his work or was as subtle as a sledgehammer to the head about.

Clemens in a way was an anti-Dobson. He came from a privileged upbringing, but took on a rather “low class” job in his youth before becoming famous through his writing. Similar to Dobson he hated racism, was obviously against conservative Christianity and for his time a “woke” fellow. But unlike Dobson, I think he did not just do it for virtue signaling, he genuinely believed in the cause and if he felt he went too far, he also apologized. Like his takes on Christianity certainly became more mellow later on in life (at least as far as I know)

 Additionally, Clemens was funny. He was critical of society and literature (I highly recommend you to read Fenimore Cooper’s Literary Offences to get just how brilliantly this man could dissect the work of others. Here is a link to it https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Literature/FenimoreCoopersLiteraryOffences )

Both in a way he would use snark to mock them, but also get a valid point across.

And the water line up there? In a way it is both the greatest ego boost, but also self deprecation he could go for.

See, the line actually goes like this

„My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water.“

 The boost comes from the fact that he is essentially saying “everybody reads my books”. Which lets face it, was true. Clemens was read by many people, both scholars and people from the general public. He was legitimately popular, to the point that even 110 years after he died he is still well known. Not only his works, but the person himself has become an iconic figure in our cultural conscious. Or to focus on what was really important: Clemens: I make money through my writing, bitch!

Okay, he wouldn’t have said it like that, but he would have at least acknowledged that making good money through his work was a nice benefit.

But in the same way, the line is a bit of self deprecation and slightly humble. See, he says his books are water. Something basic, something not everyone can afford. While the books of great masters are like wine. Something not everyone can afford, but which is in a way “sophisticated” and will live on too, even in higher regards.

I bet that at times Clemens could be full of himself, but we have to understand, this was a man who could take criticism and give it. A man who understood also something about literature and had certain insights others did not have at his time. A deadpan snarker who when he got a positive review allegedly told one of his first critics something along the line of “You made me as happy as the white slave owner chick who realizes her kid was going to be white after all”.

So what I believe is that he was humble enough to see that there were also people better/more sophisticated than him, which he even looked up too and whose work he compared with wine. People by whom he as a creator was like water in comparison. But thankfully (or rather, fortunately) everyone drinks waters aka “reads” the stuff he writes and therefore guarantees his career.

Which honestly, I consider also something of a truth some content creator should go for. Look, I am not saying that we should stop trying to go for something meaningful when we create art or tell stories, but in a way if Clemens was alive today, he would consider his water statement just further confirmed in the way a lot of popcultur works nowadays. Best example, Marvel movies. Marvel movies, as entertaining as they are, are basically just water (or soda), compared to genuine artistic movies or movies with deeper social issues in them. And yet, those movies make money and seem to connect with people at times better than something more “sophisticated”. Go figure.

 But, back to Dobson for a bit, okay?

See, for Clemens the water line made sense, because again, his works were popular and understandable for everyone, making them as accessible as water. But for Dobson? Oh boy… For starters, if we compare their achievements in life so far Clemens already wins. Cause by the time he was 39 (Dobson’s current age at the time this post is written) Clemens was successful under his pseudonym by writing multiple articles and short stories, including The Innocent Abroad, Roughin It and Tom Sawyer. He was also married and was involved in multiple businesses. Dobson meanwhile had attempted to create the following comic series Patti, Formera, Percy Phillips, Legens/Alex ze Pirate, Danny & Spots, Brentalfloss Comics and they all sunk faster than the Titanic. Okay, not the Brental Floss Comcis, those just ended because Brentalfloss thought it was time to end it, but still.

Four major stories he supposedly wanted to write abandoned because they did not earn him the reputation he wanted and one unpopular out of touch gaming comic strips where the punchline was that a rejected clone of Cubitus with the Marsupilami (go look them up) liked the Wii, while its owner/friend was a hardcore PS3 gamer who obviously always needed to be in the wrong because after all, only troglodytes play non nintento consoles.

All his major books got rejected by the public, because the writing was either not good or the artwork was at best mediocre at worst something people on manag forums could draw better when doing fanart.

And yet here we have Dobson, using another ones famous and funny line claiming “his books are like water. Everybody drinks water” indicating amongst other things “everyone reads my books and they are easily accessible”.

No, that is a freaking lie. No one read your books, most of them are not accessible to anyone because they are either out of print or you could not see them anywhere if you dig up as deep as possible online (see my paywall post earlier this week). And when people read your books common criticisms included how unoriginal and aimless your stories would feel (Formera), how derivative characters were from other fictional characters (Alex ze Pirate is e.g. just Lina from Slayers but with the bitchy temper of a Rumiko Takahashi character) and how unlikable most characters would just be (see everyone in Alex ze Pirate except the Ninja Girl and Sam).

 Or to put it in Clemen’s work when describing the sins of Cooper’s Deerslayer, your works tend to break among other things the following rules:

- … A tale shall accomplish something and arrive somewhere. But the Deerslayer tale accomplishes nothing and arrives in the air.

- They require that the episodes of a tale shall be necessary parts of the tale, and shall help to develop it. But as the Deerslayer tale is not a tale, and accomplishes nothing and arrives nowhere, the episodes have no rightful place in the work, since there was nothing for them to develop.

- They require that when the personages of a tale deal in conversation, the talk shall sound like human talk, and be talk such as human beings would be likely to talk in the given circumstances, and have a discoverable meaning, also a discoverable purpose, and a show of relevancy, and remain in the neighborhood of the subject in hand, and be interesting to the reader, and help out the tale, and stop when the people cannot think of anything more to say. But this requirement has been ignored from the beginning of the Deerslayer tale to the end of it.

- They require that crass stupidities shall not be played upon the reader as "the craft of the woodsman, the delicate art of the forest," by either the author or the people in the tale. But this rule is persistently violated in the Deerslayer tale.

- They require that the personages of a tale shall confine themselves to possibilities and let miracles alone; or, if they venture a miracle, the author must so plausibly set it forth as to make it look possible and reasonable. But these rules are not respected in the Deerslayer tale.

- They require that the author shall make the reader feel a deep interest in the personages of his tale and in their fate; and that he shall make the reader love the good people in the tale and hate the bad ones. But the reader of the Deerslayer tale dislikes the good people in it, is indifferent to the others, and wishes they would all get drowned together.

And now replace the Deerslayer tale with Alex ze Pirate/Formera and tell me those rules are not broken.

I am sorry, I get Dobson just wanted to be more sophisticated and give himself a slight ego boost and trick his readers into thinking he is deeper in his thinking than he really is. But if Dobson’s books are like water, said water is somewhere in the desert in an almost empty well that has also been poisoned. Either it gets detoxed and filtrated for consumption or you are better off drinking your own piss. Which is Clemens code for “write fanfiction”.

[artificialqueens]

Chronicles of the Impossible; or, five small realisations - Part 2, Brooke (Crooke) - fandomfeministe

A/N: Thanks again to Saiph for being such a good second pair of eyes, and helping me figure out what would make sense to go where. I have ideas for a couple more chapters but I am completely open to any prompts or suggestions for what people might like to see in future :)

Chronicles of the Impossible; or, five small realisations (Part 2 - Brooke)

Realisation the first - Cracker, Henry and Apollo

The afternoon after that early morning phone call between Brooke and his mom was the first time Cracker had the opportunity to hang out with the beings he considered his children - his cats. Brooke himself had gone for a shower, and his lover had taken the time to unpack; given that he was going to spend a few days here, and he was particular about his stuff, Cracker was keen to make sure he didn’t make more work for himself on getting back to New York by letting everything get trashed.

His problem, however, was that his lover’s babies had had other ideas. He’d laid out his clothes, ready to refold and place them back into the drawers Brooke had arranged for him, and had decided to go grab a drink. Not more than thirty seconds had he been out of the room, grabbing a soda, when he returned to find that his favourite black turtleneck had won itself a pair of new fans - Henry and Apollo, curled up on its soft surface. “I can’t believe you walked right past everything else to make yourselves comfortable on that!” he gasped, wondering how on earth he was going to negotiate getting his turtleneck back in a reasonable state without truly pissing off the human who loved these adorable, thieving little assholes.

When Brooke returned from the shower, it was his turn to watch his lover from the doorway into the living room. With a towel wrapped around his waist and a fond smile on his face, his gaze was fixed towards the smaller man on the couch. There was no denying it… Cracker spoke to the cats like they were tiny, furry, incredibly exasperating humans.

“Look, you guys, I know this sweater is comfortable. I like it too, that’s why I bought it,” he was saying, directly addressing the cats. Apollo was stretched out on the couch beside him, nonplussed and with his tail gently swishing, and Henry sat on the floor directly in front of him, sitting up straight with his head tilted, wondering why on earth the new human seemed to be waving around the new comfy thing he and his brother had discovered. It was an air of polite indifference, if such an expression could be read on a cat (and Brooke did).

“But really, I don’t live with cats, so I’m not used to getting hair off my clothes. I hope we can get along, here, because your human happens to be someone whose good side I want to stay on. Understood?” In response, he got a look of apathy from Apollo and an almost pitying mew from Henry, who approached the older man’s feet and stretched up his paws, standing on his hind legs, seeking pets. Cracker sighed and gave them to him, scritching the more outgoing feline behind the ears. “You three are going to be the end of me, you know that?” he lamented, almost jumping as he heard Brooke’s heavier steps pad over the wooden flooring towards them. “The fuck, Brooke? How did you sneak up on me?”

“Couldn’t help it. You scolding my cats over a turtleneck was just too cute,” he bantered back, kneeling down to kiss the New York queen. While Cracker almost blushed into the kiss, Brooke couldn’t help but feel his heart melt.

Realisation the second - Cracker’s quick wit (on stage)

While her gigs in New York had the celebratory tone of being on home turf, with the regular crowd at her usual bars and clubs just excited to see her, Cracker had mentioned to Brooke that making appearances elsewhere in the country was always slightly more intimidating. Fun, yes, but give the wrong sort of performance on the wrong sort of night, and your reputation in the region could certainly take a hit.

There were places where being known as a New York queen could be especially difficult no matter what sort of performer you were. Since Season 6, every single season of Drag Race had had a New York girl in the final, and the city’s queens had even taken three in a row - her own drag mother being one of those. There were plenty of queens - and even fans - who would be quite happy to see the NYC girls taken down a peg or two.

So it was that Cracker was on stage, midway through her set, and Brooke was completely impressed with how his lover was working the crowd. Every so often she’d take a little walk along the stage, directing a different part of her story to a different group of people, giving them that little moment of closeness with the queen they’d been excited to see. It was beautifully done, really, Brooke thought. It gave different parts of the audience their moment of feeling like they had her attention, and at the same time, made her look like she was at home here as she was back in NYC, commanding the stage like she owned it. It reminded her of Cracker in London, actually, around the time they first became… well, whatever they’d become.

Brooke was laughing, almost uncontrollably so, at the story she was telling about the time “her friend” was driving away from an ex’s house with a bag full of sex toys. He’d heard it before, at least three times, and knew the punchline off by heart. There was something about the way Cracker told it though - tweaking it slightly for each audience she told it to - that made sure it was still hilarious every time. And the way she stood there, in the bright turquoise leotard, big Barbie hair and her hand on her hip like she was totally done with everything? He found it hysterical.

Only now, he could see from the slight change in her facial expression that she actually WAS done with everything, and his eyes followed her gaze out into the crowd. Some guy, sitting there with an incredibly embarrassed looking girlfriend, had wobbled to his feet, cupped his hand around his mouth and was attempting to yell, interrupting Cracker’s set. Cracker, Brooke and the girlfriend were not the only people who were starting to get pissed off, but the performer in Brooke noticed Cracker’s response - a steady set to the hips, holding firm, and a smooth tone to her voice that was as cold as steel.

“Sorry, dude, I don’t understand a word you’re saying. I don’t have a filter for drunk idiots.”

The audience tittered, one or two clapping in support.

Brooke didn’t quite hear the next thing the guy yelled, but knew it must have been a low blow about appearance when Cracker quirked her brow and raised her hand higher on her hip, pushing them back and tits out as she spoke to the rest of the audience - who, it could be noticed, was a good three fifths female and female presenting. “And yet,” Cracker began, “even your own damn girlfriend is looking at me more than you right now. And the lesbians would definitely rather have me than a guy who looks like he usually spends a weekend crying over his shitty fantasy football picks, letting Cheeto crumbs fall into his pants.” The heckler visibly shrank back, almost purple in embarrassment as the people around him literally pointed and laughed, some even pulling out their phones to record the interaction. The whole thing would probably be on YouTube before the morning. “That’s right, dude. Go sit in the corner and finish evolving.” A huge roar went up from the crowd, and Cracker took a step or two back before continuing her set, allowing herself a moment to soak up the acclaim.

Brooke almost shook his head in admiration, a smile spreading across his face. Somehow, this quick-thinking, pocket-sized powerhouse was interested in him?

He would definitely have to show his appreciation later.

Realisation the third - Cracker’s quick wit (off-stage)

It was May, quite late on, and the four of them were gathered for brunch in LA right before the insanity of the Drag Race end-season began. Brooke was a strange mix of tense and relaxed, knowing just how much was coming and the potential fall-out of both. There was the soon-to-air reunion, of course, and mere days ago they’d filmed the episode in which the fans would finally find out about just how over the whole Branjie thing was. It was certainly not something he was looking forward to, more for the resurrection of their own hurt and pain over the whole relationship than for a real fear about what people might say. He was cold, the Ice Queen… he could handle that. Right?

The one thing - or person, he should say - who was giving him doubts about his ability to breeze through this was sitting opposite him at the table, sharing raucous laughter with Monet about something his sister had said. Nina, ever the mom friend, had turned to look at him, bringing Brooke back into the conversation with a little wave to catch his attention. He was soon brought out of his thoughts, and his focus was brought back to a shorter, dark-haired man who managed to command the group’s attention despite being easily the most delicate and diminutive looking queen there. The Canadian was starting to feel things for him that he hadn’t felt since he’d broken up with Vanjie months ago - and what scared him was how much this didn’t scare him. Not this time. But the thought of what the next few weeks would stir up, and how he would have to keep his feelings squashed again… it hurt. It made him feel like he wanted to lash out and tell the world anyway, public perception be damned.

Now that, that was new.

Nina had asked Cracker and Monet a question about how things had been the year before, when the girls had been thrown straight into their own tour after the drama that had been stirred up at their own reunion. When the Aquaria vs Cracker storyline hadn’t produced quite what the show wanted, the reunion episode had had quite a bitter moment when Asia’s words in the Evil Twin challenge were brought up, causing the girls to relive some memories they’d already worked past or, in some cases, buried. It gave Brooke some hope, seeing the friends here now, that whatever trouble would be stirred for the Season 11 queens, they too would be able to work it out.

It had worked out so well, in fact, that Cracker was now recounting a story about how she, Monet, Asia, Kameron, Dusty, Blair, Vixen and Yuhua had been in bunks on the same bus, and the small space the eight of them were crammed into had resulted in Asia being fed up at the thought of climbing up and down every time. So fed up, in fact, that she’d ended up gathering a bunch of stuff at the end of the bunk, “like something out of Hoarders, bitch!” and accidentally outed some of her personal preferences in a very late night phone call home to her man. 

The imitations that followed, somehow spot-on and satirical at the same damn time, had Brooke in stitches to the point of almost hurting himself. There was something about Cracker’s quick wit - its hyper intelligence, pin-point accuracy and ability to jab whoever was necessary (including himself) that Brooke really admired in his lover. There was enough to draw him there, holding him to the older queen like a pair of magnets, even without all of this. But the laughter and sheer glee of the late morning in the LA sunshine, shared platters slowly being demolished as the levels in the wine bottles got lower and lower, that held an allure all of its own. His eyes were fixed in one direction in particular, and he didn’t feel like hiding it anymore.

Realisation the fourth - activism and dedication

A month later, and around three after the two queens had first become a thing, Brooke and Cracker were in another small café, this time in NYC, spending the day together before the rest of Pride month meant that things became more busy for the pair of them. Brooke, as runner up in the most recent season of Drag Race, was a man in high demand. Cracker, though the news wasn’t public yet, was about to head off to film All Stars 5. The fact that a busy, working queen was going to be MIA during the busiest month of the year would not go unnoticed, and would essentially confirm many fans’ predictions.

Their lives, in short, were about to go crazy. Crazier than things usually were once you became a Ru Girl, at any rate.

It also meant, of course, that they were going to see nothing of each other for weeks, hence this lunch date.

Cracker, however, had spent a whole quarter hour of their meeting on the phone, apologising profusely for the apparent need to accept the call. As soon as he’d answered, he began almost immediately talking in another language, one that Brooke didn’t recognise. He knew it wasn’t French, obviously, and recognised enough of the odd Hebrew word he’d heard in his lover’s company that it wasn’t that, either. He must have looked confused, though, because when the person on the other end of the call put him on hold - seemingly as they looked for information - Cracker met his eyes. “Wolof,” he said succinctly. “I’m talking to people I used to work with in Senegal.”

Of course, Brooke thought, his own eyes closing as Cracker began speaking again. Now things started to fall into place. He knew that, like his mom, Cracker had grown into an adult working in an artistic field. One of his last jobs before going into drag full time had been working in various New York galleries, specialising in dealings of West African pieces, which had meant he needed to travel a lot. Of course, being openly gay in many parts of the continent was still a huge risk, and ever since, Cracker had links with groups in various places campaigning for human rights victories. Now, as it was Pride in the US, it made sense for him to be in touch. 

It was something oddly beautiful to witness, too. Brooke didn’t have to speak a word of Wolof to know that the subject of the conversation was something of great excitement to Cracker and his friend, the American waving his free hand wildly in the air as his eyes had an undeniable sparkle to them. Brooke couldn’t bear to interrupt, or even signal his interest to him lest he be a distraction, and so he decided to watch him instead. His own smile became just visible over the top of his coffee cup.

Along with so many things he’d reflected on of late, this was one more thing that Brooke was growing to love - no, not that word, he told himself, not allowing even the tiniest bit of the thought to sneak through - about the New Yorker sitting in front of him. He was someone so spirited, so passionate, so dedicated to the causes he believed in, that it was impossible for Brooke to believe he didn’t mean every single word and action of his activism.

It made his own heart swell just thinking about it.

When his lover had hung up on the call, Brooke reached out and took his hand, squeezing it gently and with admiration written all over his face. “Let’s get out of here,” he whispered, quickly leaning over the table to give the smaller man a kiss.

The time it took for them to leave cash on the table and head back to Cracker’s place took longer than the phone call, but as they later lay curled up in each other’s arms, both men considered it worth it.

Realisation the fifth - three little words

It had been weeks, but felt more like months, since Brooke and Cracker had had their lunch date in NYC. A few days later, Brooke’s lover had flown to LA to film All Stars 5, and the cycle of their being caught in the maelstrom of Drag Race began again. It was different being the one on the outside, knowing that your loved one was going through the intense competition process and you had no way of reaching them. On more than one lonely night, Brooke found himself going through old texts, pictures and videos they’d taken together in the last few months - sometimes using them to help reach his own pleasure, other times scrolling through the sweeter ones and sleeping curled up in a ball, his phone still in hand. 

What he hadn’t yet been willing to acknowledge to himself was just how much the other man meant to him, but that denial couldn’t last forever. It all came to a head when, on a night out with Nina, he turned down the advances of no fewer than three separate guys who’d sidled up to him at the bar, batting their eyes and slinking away disappointed within minutes. There was a different vibe to Brooke now, and it wasn’t hard to see it. When a fourth approached, and Brooke simply got up and walked away, Nina had to say something - linking an arm through his, and walking him swiftly to one of the booths, his eyes flicking left and right before speaking.

“Something’s different. Spill.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Nina.”

“Bullshit!” he exclaimed, a little too loudly as some nearby clubgoers turned their heads in surprise. Sheepishly, Nina lowered his head to continue. “You’ve had men crawling all over you, all night. You haven’t even looked at any of them, let alone taken your pick of the hottest and had someone to kick out of bed in the morning. Like I said, something’s different.”

Brooke winced. Nina’s assessment of his love life, although brutal, was painfully accurate. His best friend of nearly a decade, there wasn’t much he could hide from him, and he looked up resignedly with the intent of telling him everything. This, to Nina’s surprise, he did. He started with stories, the little moments he’d had with his American lover - the time they’d spent together on tour, the times they’d had surprising each other at gigs, even the way Cracker’s face looked while he was telling jokes. There was a way his nose wrinkled upwards and his mouth hung open, almost barking with laughter, and it was the most endearing thing he’d ever seen.

In turn, Nina listened, and smiled. It wasn’t Brooke being happy again that made him react this way, but the fact he was opening up. He’d always been so closed off, emotionally speaking - arguably one of the main reasons he’d never had a successful relationship before - and now here he was. Thirty-three years old, and finally being able to admit to his best friend, without shame or hesitation, the feelings that someone new was causing him to feel. It was revelatory, really. When Brooke finally admitted why he hadn’t taken anyone home that night - because none of them were a certain dainty, dark-haired and eyed Jewish-American queen that he was slowly becoming hooked on - Nina held Brooke’s gaze and grinned, maintaining the connection as he spoke.

“You know what this means, don’t you?”

“…yes,” Brooke admitted, though not yet willing to say the words.

“You love him.”

It was factual, credible, and totally without judgement.

Brooke nodded.

[douxreviews]

Supernatural - ‘Peace of Mind' Review

"Double hockey sticks?"

Very Pleasantville, with a touch of Back to the Future and of course, a Supernatural twist.

We just lost a whole lot of hunters, and "Peace of Mind" was an effective aftermath episode. Dean seemed to take all that death in stride – his appetite certainly hasn't suffered – but Sam found the bunker a little hard to deal with, and since he'd been a lot closer to those hunters, who could blame him? So he went a little overboard taking his mind off of it by taking on too many cases. Obviously, hunting is not a good pastime if you want to get hunter deaths out of your head. Maybe Sam should go to Tahiti instead. I hear it's a magical place.

Charming Acres was fun: the fifties clothes and attitudes, the soda shop, the boarding house where single women weren't allowed. Honestly, Sam in horn rimmed glasses and a ponytail admonishing Castiel for swearing was worth the price of admission. I also liked the opener in the convenience store with the exploding head, and the very Back to the Future signpost between the radio towers.

Interesting that they never really explained how it happened, where Chip Harrington's power came from. The mill shut down, the world got bad, and Chip Harrington just… wanted it. It worked that the solution was his daughter Sunny who had whatever power Chip had, as well as respect for other people's civil liberties.

But even better was that Castiel saved the day. Castiel has become so human lately, such a good hunter. When Sam succumbed to the spell of Charming Acres and took Justin Smith's place, Castiel came to his rescue, figured out what had happened, and saved Sam. Castiel even kicked butt in his very own fight scene. And I loved how he was describing Sam as the "very tall man with beautiful hair" with his usual deadpan expression. Laugh out loud.

The B plot was Dean sussing out exactly what happened to Jack, who "feels different" now. Fortunately, there was no hemming and hawing, since it was obvious that Jack had burned through his soul to take down Michael; the only question was if anything was left. Sadly, I don't think so.

Visiting Donatello was a good idea, since Donatello is functioning soulless. Although it's clear that he misses it. The scene with Donatello and Jack and the coffee was upsetting. The two of them looked down at the cream spiraling in their (abnormally large) cups of coffee, spinning like a galaxy, and Donatello told Jack that he, Donatello, had a black hole inside, an emptiness – no pity, empathy, humanity. I was hoping we'd get back to What Would Mr. Rogers Do, and we did. "What Would the Winchesters Do" is actually pretty good advice.

Unfortunately, Jack is probably the most powerful being in the universe. More powerful than Chuck, whom Sam mentioned in this episode? More powerful than Amara? Jack is now like a time bomb living in the bunker with the Winchesters, which was metaphored out the wazoo by the snake. Dean and Jack kept trying to find food that would tempt the snake, but Jack finally decided that the problem was insoluble; the snake was missing his dead friend, the Gorgon. I knew there was going to be an unpleasant punchline, and voila. In the final scene of the episode, Jack sent the snake to "heaven" by burning it to ash.

Was this what a Winchester would do? I don't think so.

Bits:

— Dean is still afraid of snakes. I loved the way he was uncomfortable even leaning against the car while the snake was in it.

— Jack was floating pencils. How Willow-like.

— Dean giving Jack his choice of angel food cake or devil's food cake in the car was a bit on the nose, don't you think?

— Did anyone else think that Sam fell under the Charming Acres spell because he ate the food? (Yes, I know it was because Sam needed to escape.)

— Castiel's car was pathetic. Note the huge line of bird crap all over the back window.

— The theater was playing Scooby-Doo. The movie, I assume.

— This week: somewhere in Arkansas. Sam was Agent Scholz and Castiel, Agent Delp. Google told me that's Boston.

Quotes:

Castiel: "I thought you were going to sleep till the cows dragged you home." Dean: "That's not the… never mind."

Griffin the convenience store guy: "This guy… he comes in looking like he's been running all night, asks for my phone, and he just (explosion noise) went all Scanners." Castiel: "Was it more Scanners 1, 2 or 3?"

Castiel: "It's like we're stepping into a Saturday Evening Post. (Sam looks at him) I look at them sometimes after you fall asleep at night. They're very soothing."

Castiel: "Maybe they're Mormon?"

Chip: "They said something about… an aneurysm or something?" Castiel: "Oh, no. His head exploded. Like a ripe melon on the sun." (Later) Sam: "Like a ripe melon on the sun?" Castiel: "It was an apt metaphor." Sam: "Okay, well, maybe next time try something a little less apt." And actually, Castiel did. He learns.

Castiel: "I don't know if this is a spell or a curse or what's happened, but you will snap the hell out of it." Sam: "Sir, you watch your mouth. If we can't remain civil, then you can skedaddle."

Donatello: "I am just the picture of health. Except for my prostate. It's shaped like a papaya."

Chip: "In this town, I'm God." Sam: "No, you're not. Believe me, we've met God." Castiel: "God has a beard."

Dean: "How was Arkansas?" Sam: "Arkansas was... it was weird." Dean: "Heard you wore a cardigan." Castiel: "Yeah, I told him about the cardigan." Sam: "Great. Thanks." Dean: "And the wife."

Clever and fun, as well as sad. Three out of four hockey sticks,

Billie Doux has been reviewing Supernatural for so long that Dean and Sam Winchester feel like old friends. Courageous, adventurous, gorgeous old friends.

[turnertimeline]

Bars are Never Fun

Collection: Kate and Danny

Year: 1990

Characters: Daniel Turner, Kate Jackson

Content Warnings: none

Rating: K+

Style: Prose

Summary: Grown up Danny Turner doesn’t particularly enjoy bars, but his buddies make him go out from time to time. Usually citing the fact that he’ll probably wither if he stays cooped up in his room.

Bars really aren’t Kate’s favorite place to be, but often she finds herself in them when she trudges along when her friends make her go out. Not one for drinking, she usually orders a soda. Most nights she sets herself a time limit, and ducks out before it gets too late.

She knows making an effort to go out and not just hole up/drift around on her own is probably healthy, and she puts a lot of effort into trying to seem normal.  So when one of the girls in her circle of acquaintances talks her into going to the pub with them to meet up with some of her nursing class friends.

When she gets there and sees Danny she's a big "ugh" like, they've managed to pull already? But she sits down and Danny smiles and waves at her and he's introduced as a fellow nursing student who "never sees the light of day" and he shrugs a bit sheepishly. "Nursing is important!" and someone cuffs him affectionately on the back of the head.

Kate's not a student. She left home as soon as she was able to, went right into working and living on her own. It tends to be coworkers who drag her out, maybe some friends she still has from school. Danny looks like a jock. He has his sperm donor's build. And Kate's just like ugh why is someone like him here?

Daniel tries not to stare at Kate, she was pretty and something told him that he should get to know her. He'd seen her a few times in the same pub, with people some of his friends knew. But he'd never interacted with her and didn't even know her name. Every time he'd seen her, he noticed how she usually looked like she didn't really want to be there. Perhaps she was dragged out by over enthusiastic friends as well.

He hadn't really wanted to go out that night, he had an exam coming up and should really be studying. But his friend Mark, the boyfriend of one of his classmates, insisted that he get some socializing.

"You look just as thrilled as I am to be out tonight." Danny tries striking up conversation.

Kate gives him a look up and down, surprised that he came over to talk to her. "I'm not much of a drinker." She shrugs a little. "Dana is a friend of mine, she tries to make sure I get out of the house at least once a week for something other than work."

"Ah. Mark does the same to me, but to pull me away from studying too hard. He seems to think that I'll waste away from being cooped up." Danny laughs quietly and is a little happy to see Kate chuckle too.

Danny tries really hard not to be creepy or to make anyone uncomfortable. The worry he might turn out like Kenneth afterall never quite left him, even with everyone's repeated reassurance he is demonstrably nothing like Kenneth at all.

"So what are you studying?" Kate asks, letting herself relax around him a little. As men in pubs go, he's so far relatively non threatening.

"Oh!" Danny replies, and enthusiasm colours his voice. "I'm studying nursing. I wanted to go midwifery, like my Grammy, but they wouldn't let a man in the program, so hopefully I can get into paediatric care instead." It comes out in a big rush of words and Kate blinks as she follows what he's saying, and then blinks again.

"That's an... unusual choice."

Kate's a little thrown off by him calling his grandmother Grammy, even at 20 years old. Not Gram, but the childlike Grammy.

Danny takes a sip of his drink and grins. "For a guy I guess it is. But I really admire the work done by district nurses and midwives and that's what I grew up around." Danny realizes he might be talking a little too fast or a bit too much. But Kate doesn't seem to mind. "What do you do?" He asks.

Kate shrugs a bit, suddenly seems withdrawn again. "Oh, just, managing the counter girls at the department store in town."

Danny seems just as enthusiastic though. "Oh cool! My mum runs the haberdashery back home, helps make clothes and stuff!"

Danny doesn't see the point in looking down on people for their jobs. Because if they have a job doing that, then there's obviously a need for what they do. Unfortunately Kate isn't used to people not turning their nose up at her working in a store.

Kate laughs a little. "I didn't know people still called them haberdasheries."

Danny laughs too. "They don't. But Violet got mad if we called it anything else and Mum kept up the habit." they've ended up slightly in the corner, talking together quietly away from the main crush of people

Kate thinks it's cute and quaint, not that she'd actually say that out loud. She's surprised that she feels at ease with him. Maybe it's because he's not drinking either.

"I'm Kate by the way. Kate Jackson." She offers her hand to him.

Danny shakes it possibly a little too happily. "Danny Turner. Nice to meet you Kate." He's definitely swooning a little inside because a pretty girl shook his hand.

Definitely swooning. She's pretty and he made her laugh and oh gosh.

"So tell me more about being a nurse," Kate says, finding she liked how enthusiastically he spoke about it, which is unusual. "Are you the only boy?"

Danny grins. "Only boy in my year yes. There's a handful that have gone through the program. And most end up as A&E or surgical nurses. I've not met any in pediatrics."

It doesn't really bother Danny that he's the only guy in his classes. Mostly what bothers him are the jokes about how the girls must be fawning over him, and how lucky to be the only boy. He thinks those are gross. Always has thought that really.

He also doesn't like when people joke that he might be gay, as if his maybe being gay is the punchline.

"I suppose it's not a very masculine profession," she replies, and then winces a bit. "Sorry."

Danny shrugs. "It's okay." He doesn't really care if it's 'masculine' or not. The men who're apparently the most masculine and who he's supposed to emulate are generally twats. "I guess I've just been around nurses and midwives most of my life and have seen all the work they do. My Dad's a Doctor but I like that nursing is more ... personal."

Now Kate is the one swooning just a bit...as swoony as she gets which isn't very. But Danny is just...glowing...as he talks about it.

"Wow, grandmother's a midwife, Dad's a doctor. Seems to be a family business." Kate jokes a little.

Danny lets out a laugh. "It really is! My grampa's a doctor and one of my aunts is a nurse, the other a psychologist." He takes another drink again. "Enough about the Turner family business though, tell me about you. Do you like being a shop manager?"

Kate crosses her arms in front of her. "It's alright, I guess. Pays the bills."

Danny frowns briefly at how unhappy she sounds but shakes his head. It's not his place to meddle or judge - he doesn't know why she's working there and trampling all over the situation won't help. "How long have you been working there?"

Danny knows not everyone is as lucky as he is. He doesn't have to support himself through school, his parents are helping, he has a part time job at the university to have spending money. But he's not one to judge about what other people have do to get by.

Kate looks down a little, slightly embarrassed. "Going on 8 years now? I started part time when I was in school. Have gone full time now as a manager."

Danny gives her a smile. "A manager at twenty-four? That's pretty good though isn't it?" He doesn't like the shame he sees on her face.  

She smiles at him a little. "I guess so. I've never thought about it like that.

Danny nods. "Yeah! That's pretty awesome, to be management already!" Danny finishes his pint and makes an ‘ew’ face at it. "I keep telling them not to buy me beer."

Kate laughs at his expression - she's not used to guys who're so open with their emotions, even when it's a comically grossed out face. "I was going to get another if you want something?"

Danny fishes around in his back pocket for change and hands her some. "Please? Just coke will be great."

Kate walks up to the bar and gets blocked by Dana who has a huge grin on her face.

"Having fun with the boy nurse?" She teases, words only a little slurred.

Kate gives her a look, not sure if she's making fun of Danny or just teasing. "You know Danny?"

Dana nods "Mostly know of him. Friends with some of the nursing girls."

Kate eyes her warily. "He was just telling me about his studies. I'm going to get us more drinks." She takes a step forward as she says it, trying to push past Dana without actually pushing past her.

Dana rolls her eyes. "Did he tell you the story about his 'Grammy' yet?" She sounds fond but also a bit mocking, especially around Grammy.

Kate tries not to sigh. "He seems to admire her, said she's the reason he wanted to go into nursing." Kate tries to dodge around Dana again and succeeds this time and is able to get to the bar. She orders two more cokes before Dana is back at her side.

Kate tries to ignore her but eventually sighs and turns to her, their drinks in hand. "What, Dana?" She tries not to sound too annoyed or exasperated. She sometimes alienated people, and she does like Dana, she just hates the drunk meddling and inability to take a hint and the casual way she makes fun of people.

"He never shuts up about her," Dana tells her. "Apparently he gets into fights with the medical students about things even!"

"Well with half is family in medicine he probably knows more than they do." Kate's voice is sharp. She has very little patience for drunkenness. And the mocking tone in Dana's voice has gotten more annoying.

Dana's eyes go wide and her mouth drops open. "Oh. My. God." Each word punctuated and getting louder than the last. "You like him!"

Kate rolls her eyes and is so glad the pub isn't very well lit because she's sure her face would be red. "I've only just met him."

"You do!" Dana near shrieks and Kate rolls her eyes at her and does push past her this time and back over to Danny, although she slows down when she realises he's talking to someone she doesn't recognise. He spots her coming though and waves her over.

"Kate, this is Gemma. One of my friends from back home, she's doing nursing too."

Gemma waves at her. "Hi, Kate. Anyway, I'll leave you to your drinks. Just pass my love to Cam, alright? We miss her!"

Kate tries very hard not just fall into her chair in exasperation at Dana and waves back at Gemma.

"Cam?" She questions when Gemma is out of earshot and they both have their drinks in front of them. She's kind of hoping it's not a girlfriend. Not that she'll actually admit that to even herself.

"One of my cousins. Gemma went to the same grammar as my sister Liz and our cousin Cam." Danny takes a gulp of his drink when he notices that Kate relaxes just a bit when he says that Cam was family.

They sit and drink in silence for a while - but it's not as horrifically awkward as Kate would have thought it might have been.

Danny clears his throat after a while. "So," he says, and grins at her. "Not really your kind of scene?" He gestures to her glass of coke and obvious sobriety and her exasperation at Dana, dammit she thought she'd hidden that better. She realises they really are tucked away in a corner, somewhere where there's actual light and as far from the sound system as possible. She's surprised to find she isn't threatened by the fact their knees are nearly touching under the table they're sharing, and that it doesn't feel like a ~date. Or at least, Danny isn't going to insist it is, he isn't trying to invade her space or puff out his chest like guys usually do.

Kate shakes her head. "Nah. Too loud and too many drunks. Not yours either?"

Danny shakes his head too, and his hair kind of flops about. "Nope, not really. Same reasons really." He gives her a smile.

Kate's not quite sure what to make of him. Usually the guys who chat her up are....a little more imposing. Not that she really minds that, she's not a stranger to one night stands or flings. But he seems to honestly want to get to her know. And that's kind of freaking her out.

Danny yawns and she finds herself tracking the movement, admiring him arms. He doesn't look the way she imagined a male nurse would.

"So... do you do anything outside of studying too hard?" She asks him with a smile and a head tilt. His interest in her is freaking her out a little, but if she can get him talking about himself... it's usually easy enough, with guys who're trying to impress her. And she’s not an idiot, it's obvious he at least thinks she's pretty, even if he's not flirting outright. Maybe he's shy?

Danny scratches the back of his neck. "Well, my family is involved in a lot of community stuff so I usually end up helping out there. But honestly, I'm mostly a homebody." Sometimes Danny realizes how...lame? his life must seem. He really ends up spending most of his free time with family. "What about you. Outside of the wonderful world of retail, what do you get up to?"

He loves spending time with them. But it's not very exciting and or impressive, when he tells other people about it.

"Oh, you know, this and that. Mostly I'm pretty tired when I get home. I read a lot?" Kate twirls a strand of hair around her finger and tries to deflect again. "What kind of community stuff does your family do?"

Most people he tells usually make fun of him about it. But he doesn't mind because he genuinely enjoys being with his family.

"Oh, you know, this and that." He teases lightly. "My Grammy is really involved in the local church and will do different classes and events. The whole family gets in on it. My one aunt does art classes, another does some exercise and healthy living things."

He notices Kate's face twitch a little with the mention of the church. He's not too involved in the religious aspect and hopes he hasn't just scared her off.

They lapse into silence again, and this time it is a little bit awkward. Church? Jeez. She didn't sign up for that.

Danny coughs a little. "I mean, Grammy's pretty involved with the church still. She used to a nun." The family joke doesn't *quite* land without the context, but he sees Kate's lips twitch a little and her lean towards him.

"Oh?" Kate is intrigued despite herself.

Danny grins a little "Yeah. Left the order to marry my Grampa." He takes a sip of his drink, debating on pulling the family joke out. Oh hell, why not? "Apparently the Turner men can even charm a nun out of her habit." And he gives her an exaggerated wink.

Kate laughs despite the absolute cheesiness of the joke.

Danny grins at her, delighted, and laughs along. "Although I think Grammy did most of the charming, all things considered." Kate is still a little amazed at the warmth and fondness that comes through in his voice when he talks about his family. And not just because she can't imagine being that fond of her family.

"Duly noted," Kate replies, still laughing a little. "Shame the charm stopped there," she adds, teasingly.

Danny drops his jaw in mock indignation. "Hey now!" he laughs before pouting a little.

"Aww, should I get you some ice for that tiny burn?" Kate keeps teasing him.

Teasing and flirting is easier for her than where their conversation could have gone when he mentioned the church.

"Yes," Danny replies, with an exaggerated pout, before he can't keep a straight-ish face anymore and giggles. "I'll have you know burns are very serious business."

Kate's glass is nearly empty so she fishes out a piece of ice and chucks it at him. "Here ya go!"  She laughs when he throws his hands up to try and block the ice. She tosses a few more at him before he drains is glass and retaliates. Soon bits of ice are scattered over their table and they're both laughing to hard they're nearly crying.

Danny gets the hiccups as he's calming down, which sets his off again, and he ends up with his face pressed into his arms in the table, laughing and groaning occasionally. "Oh, my tummy hurts," he whines in between giggles and laughter.

Kate starts laughing at him again, although a little more composed then he is. "Oh my god, you big baby," she teases him, and kicks him under the table. "Look at the mess you made!"

Danny raises his head just enough to stick his tongue out at her "You started it!" he half shouts before dissolving into laughter again.

Kate can't remember the last time she laughed this hard with anyone, let alone a guy.

Danny doesn't look like he's calming down anytime soon, so she pats him consolingly on the shoulder and gets up to get some napkins for the table - she doesn't want wet elbows, as the ice is melting quite quickly in the warm room - and to get them another drink. She wonders at herself a little as she waits at the bar, how much she's getting on with this guy and how open she's being - for her, anyway.

Danny has recovered himself a little by the time she gets back. Kate is mostly glad Dana is too drunk to notice she's still talking to Danny, and when she glances over Dana is almost in the lap of some random dude.

If Dana had noticed that Kate was still talking to Danny, Kate would never hear the end of it. She might still never hear the end of it just because of talking to him earlier.  But she's really enjoying talking to him, and he's not angling to get in her pants. Which is unusual. And if she lets herself think about it, she likes it.

Danny takes the napkins and starts mopping up the little ice puddles and fidgets with the wet lump of paper when he's done.

She watches him fidget with the wet napkins for a while. "Everything okay?" She's startled to realise she really does want to know of there's something wrong.

Danny looks up and flexes his hands. "Sorry, I'm just not good at keeping my hands still." He looks like a little kid getting caught touching something he shouldn't.

Kate gives him a warm smile. "I can understand that." She looks down at her watch and realizes that it's nearly 11pm. "Shit, I didn't plan to be out so late, I have to open in the morning."

Danny frowns automatically too. "Shit, me neither. I should probably be heading home... I hope I didn't keep you." he looks genuinely, hilariously worried about it, too

"I can't really say that I mind." Kate's smile is a little shy. Because she actually likes him. Not just wanting to jump him. "Although, morning me might be a little angry at my decisions." She laughs and stands up.

Danny returns her smile with a goofy one of his own.

Danny gets up too and pulls his coat on. "I'm heading out too. Stuff to do tomorrow. Stuff I should have done tonight," he amends a bit sheepishly. "Hope morning Kate isn't too mad."

He hesitates a little. Doesn't want to cause her any worry he might follow her home. "Bye," he says, and waves, so he'll be leaving before her.

Kate is still kind of just like 0.0. He's so sweet. Most guys would have like tried to walk her home and "care for a nightcap?" and like half expect the night to end with sex. Even though they'd just been talking for the past two hours.

She really wants to see him again.

[papermoonloveslucy]

LUCY AND MISS SHELLEY WINTERS

S1;E4 ~ October 14, 1968

Directed by Jack Donohue ~ Written by Milt Josefsberg and Ray Singer

Synopsis

Shelley Winters needs to slim down before filming her new picture, so Lucy is employed as her private secretary and diet coach.  

Regular Cast

Lucille Ball (Lucy Carter), Gale Gordon (Harrison Otis Carter)

Lucie Arnaz (Kim Carter) and Desi Arnaz Jr. (Craig Carter) do not appear in this episode.

Guest Cast

Shelley Winters (Shelley Summers) was born Shirley Schrift in 1920 (some sources list 1922) in Illinois. Her screen acting career began in 1943 under the name Shelley Winter (no ‘s’).  It culminated in two Oscars for Best Supporting Actress in the films The Diary of Anne Frank in 1960 and A Patch of Blue in 1966. She also won a 1964 Emmy.  One of her final roles was as Nana Mary on TV's “Roseanne.”  Winters was married four times and known for her brash sexuality.  She had an uncredited role in the 1946 Lucille Ball film Two Smart People. She died in 2006.

Bartlett Robinson (C.B. Wellborn) had played Mr. Wilkins in “Lucy Gets Trapped” (TLS S6;E2).  This is his only appearance on “Here's Lucy.”  He died in 1986.

The title refers to her as “Miss Shelley Winters” just as she was billed in the 1955 film The Big Knife when she was between husbands having divorced Vittorio Gassman in 1954 and not married Anthony Franciosa until 1957.  During “Here's Lucy” she was also single, having divorced Franciosa in 1960 and not remarrying until the day before her death in 2006.  The original title of the episode was “Lucy and Chubby.”  

This was the first time Shelley Winters guest starred on a sitcom.  She is the first guest-star on “Here’s Lucy” to have won a competitive acting Oscar at the time of her appearance (The Diary of Ann Frank in 1959). She was followed by: 

Elizabeth Taylor - who earned an Oscar in 1960 and appeared on the show in 1970

Ginger Rogers - who earned an Oscar in 1940 and appeared on the show in 1971

Helen Hayes - who earned Oscars in 1931 and 1970 and appeared on the show in 1972. Hayes has the distinction of being the only multiple Oscar winner on the series as well as the only actor playing a distinctly different character than herself without her name in the title. [Winters plays Shelley Summers, and essentially is different from Winters in name only!]

William Holden holds this same distinction on “I Love Lucy” and Ed Begley Sr. on “The Lucy Show.” 

As the episode opens, Lucy is listening to Harry on the dicta-phone and decides to try out the newfangled recording machine for herself, first quoting a bit of Lincoln's Gettysburg Address, then singing “The Man I Love,” a torch song by George and Ira Gershwin.  The song was written for, but deleted from, the 1924 Broadway musical Lady Be Good.  

Overhearing Lucy sing into the dicta-phone, Harry quips “Thank you, Tiny Tim!” Tiny Tim (born Herbert Buckingham Khaury in 1932) was a singer and ukulele player known for his cover of “Tiptoe Through the Tulips.”  He was a regular cast member on “Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In” which aired opposite “Here's Lucy” on NBC.  

Harry reminds Lucy that “This is a business office, not Tin Pan Alley!” Tin Pan Alley is the name given an area of New York City where music publishers and songwriters who dominated the popular music of the  late 19th century and early 20th century had their businesses. The origins of the name Tin Pan Alley are unclear but one account claims that it was a derogatory reference to the sound of many pianos playing (comparing them to the banging of tin pans).

Once Lucy leaves the office to get Harry's lunch, Harry also uses the dicta-phone to record himself.  He sings “Shortnin' Bread” by James Whitcomb Riley in 1900.  The song was famously sung by Vivian Vance as Ethel Mertz in “Ethel's Home Town” (ILL S4;E15) in 1955.  

Satisfied with the sound of his voice on the playback, he remarks “Wayne Newton eat your heart out!”  Wayne Newton (born 1942) is a singer and entertainer who played a version of himself on “Lucy Discovers Wayne Newton” (TLS S4;E14).  He will make two appearances as himself on “Here's Lucy.” 

Lucy is looking forward to meeting movie producer C.B. Wellborn (no doubt named after Cecil B. DeMille), because she says hopes to break into show business, something Lucy Carter has in common with the other Lucy characters. “After all, lots of people are discovered in drug stores and elevators...”  This is a reference to the legendary but apocryphal story that actress Lana Turner was discovered at Schwab's Drugstore in Hollywood.  In “Lucy Gets Into Pictures” (ILL S4;E18) Lucy went down to Schwab's to be discovered but all she discovered was a stomach ache from too many ice cream sodas.  Dorothy Lamour was an elevator operator in Chicago when she was discovered.  

When Lucy theatrically plays up to Mr. Wellborn, Harry says to her “That will be all, Theda Bara.”  Theodosia Burr Goodman (aka Theda Bara, 1885–1955) was a silent film and stage actress.  She was the first to play Cleopatra on film in 1917 (now lost).  Lucy played Cleopatra on the very first color filmed “The Lucy Show” in 1963, in which Lucy was also compared to Theda Bara.  

On the mantle of Summers' apartment is a photo of Shelley Winters from the 1950 film Frenchie. She glances guiltily at the photo when she is about to overeat.  

Summers brags about having two Oscars, just like Shelley Winters. Wild in the Street starring Shelley Winters had opened in late May 1968. In December 1968 Winters opened in the film Buona Sera, Mrs. Campbell starring Gina Lollobrigida.  

Shelly Winters' dresses were padded to make her appear bigger then she really was. This is done so that in the final scene she appears thinner in her new black dress.

Shelley hides food all over her apartment:

A box of candy in the chandelier

A banana in a framed fruit basket

A bowl of spaghetti from the TV (which is actually a mini-fridge)

A whole pizza pie on the turntable of the stereo

The scene is underscored with Theremin music, which is an electronic instrument mainly used during dream sequences and in sci-fi and horror movies. It was first used to underscore Lucy Ricardo's dream of Ricky's infidelity in “Lucy and the Dummy” (ILL S5;E3).  It was also used in “Lucy Gets Mooney Fired” (TLS S6;E9) when Lucy Carmichael and Mr. Mooney are 'gaslighting' Mr. Cheever into rehiring him!  

When Lucy catches her with the pizza, she claims it is a Dean Martin record and sings “When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amore!”  “That's Amore” was written by Harry Martin and Jack Brooks and recorded by Dean Martin in 1953.  “Amore” means “love” in Italian.  Dean Martin guest starred on “The Lucy Show” in 1966 playing himself and his stunt double, Eddie Feldman.

Lucy discovers a rope of sausages hidden in the sofa cushion that Shelley claims are her love beads!  Love beads were a necklaces worn by hippies in the 1960s as a symbol of peace and goodwill.

Shelley humorously remarks “Honey, they invented CinemaScope to get my hips in the screen!“  CinemaScope is an anamorphic lens used from 1953 to 1967 for shooting widescreen movies. Its creation in 1953 by 20th Century Fox, marked the beginning of the modern anamorphic format in both principal photography and movie projection. The anamorphic lens allowed the process to create an image almost twice as wide as the previously common format. Winters' first CinemaScope film was I Died A Thousand Times in 1955.  

When Lucy bumps into Shelley and says she didn't see her, Shelley replies ���Baby, on a clear day you can see me from Catalina!”  The Island of Catalina off the California coast has been used as a punchline in “Lucy and Tennessee Ernie Ford” (TLS S5;E21) when the bell captain smugly says of a swanky hotel penthouse “On a clear day you can see Catalina.”  This same claim was made about the Cugamonga high rise apartment in “Lucy Helps the Countess” (TLS S4;E8). In reality, it is highly unlikely (even on a rare smog-free day) to be able to see Catalina from Los Angeles, which is nearly sixty miles away.

The episode allows Winters to stretch her comic abilities.  The script assigns her all the physical comedy that would normally be done by Lucy.  Like Ball, Winters is game for anything and pulls it off.  

Other Hollywood stars have had their surnames slightly altered for their appearances, such as Joan Blondell (Joan Brennan) and Mel Torme (Mel Tinker).  

Callbacks

Preparing to make a home cooked meal for a hot date behind roommate Viv’s back, Lucy hides food all over the house in “Lucy Builds a Rumpus Room” (TLS S1;E11) just like Lucy Ricardo did when she faked a hunger strike in “Lucy Gets a Paris Gown” (ILL S5;E20).

Lucy Carmichael dieted and exercised at a fat farm in “Lucy and the Countess Lose Weight” (TLS S3;E21) in 1965.  They wear pink sweat suits just like Shelley Winters!  

Lucy Ricardo tried to lose weight to get into Ricky's act (and a tight costume) in “The Diet” (ILL S1;E3) in 1951. I wonder if Lucy Ricardo’s workout clothes are also pink? 

“Lucy and Miss Shelley Winters” rates 4 Paper Hearts out of 5

Oddly, Shelley Winters is basically playing herself, so it is unclear why she had to be re-named Shelley Summers.  Many “Lucy” guest stars have used their own names and played very different versions of themselves on screen (Wayne Newton and Joan Crawford, for example). This episode may be considered politically incorrect in today’s society, which seeks to celebrate the fuller figured woman and not measure acceptance by body size.

[morningmindsetpodcast-blog]

MM216 - Resolutions, Goals, and Challenges

The term “resolution” has become a bit of a joke, or a punchline, due to the fact that most people make and break them in a very short time. We will take a close look at resolutions, goals, and challenges to help us improve our lives.

If you like the show, please check out our Official Morning Mindset Merchandise!

Episode Transcription

[INTRO]

♫ Trenches by Pop Evil ♫

*Alex*

Welcome to Morning Mindset. A daily dose of practical wit and wisdom with a professional educator & trainer, Amazon best selling author, United States Marine, Television, and Radio host, Paul G. Markel. Each episode will focus on positive and productive ways to strengthen your mindset and help you improve your relationships, career goals, and overall well-being. Please welcome your host; Paul G. Markel.

*Professor Paul*

Welcome back to the Morning Mindset podcast. I'm your host Paul Markel, and I hope that during the last week or so. If you're listening to these live, if you're listening to them sometime in the future, the date doesn't really matter. But we took some time off around Christmas time over the Christmas break spend some time with our families and I hope that everyone out there in the audience that you have the opportunity to take some time off to spend the holiday season with your family and relax and enjoy. The holiday season if just for a little while now as I record this and as this is going out it is time to flip over the calendars and begin a brand new year. - What do people do what people talk about when December 31st rolls around, as the end of the year rolls around, people take stock in their lives. They think about what they did what they accomplished what they wish they would have accomplished. During the previous year and then they look forward to the new year and often we hear people making resolutions. Unfortunately, the reality of our world is that the term resolution has become a bit of a joke or a punchline. It's something that late night, you know night talk show comedians for a couple of days. We'll talk about resolutions and jokes and so forth and why is that? Why has the term resolution become a punchline or a joke? - Well, it is because most people make them and break them in a very short period of time whether it's a day or a week or a month, but what is a resolution what is what does it mean to resolve? Essentially a resolution is a promise that you make to yourself. When we talk about resolutions, generally we're not resolving that we're going to do something for someone else we're going to do something for ourselves. It's a promise that we make to ourselves. It's a challenge that we make to ourselves and unfortunately, many of us fall very short during that. But just because the resolution has become a punchline, doesn't mean that it's not worthwhile. - Think of resolutions as goals. We've talked about a previously on this show what short-term goals and Midterm goals and long-term goals, and whether or not it is a goal for let's say your resolution is to blank you want to improve your life. Somehow during the New Year. and you took a look in the mirror, and you said I need, whatever. I need to get a new job, I need to get a better job. I need to make more money, or maybe I need to fix my finances or I need to quit smoking or I want to lose weight. I want to get healthier or stronger or have a better relationship with my spouse a better relationship with my children, whatever it happens to be. That's great. - These are promises that we make to ourselves now when you set a goal if it's a specific goal, let's say you want to buy a new house this year you want to buy a house for the first time ever and you know, your lender said you have to have a minimum of $5,000 down before you can get the loan. So that is a very definite and specific goal. Your goal is to earn X now other times we say well I want to. Lose weight or I want to dis or that now the goal is important but just as important as the goal is the journey toward the goal because if you're serious about it, if you're serious about meeting your goals, whether they're short or mid or long-term goals, then what you will do. - If you're serious about achieving your goals is you will alter your behavior in order to achieve those goals. That's what challenges are often. We see and challenges become the new buzzword and quite frankly YouTube and the internet are wearing it out there wearing out the word challenge and they're watering it down and it's becoming almost pointless but challenges if you challenge yourself. You're challenging yourself. You are saying to yourself. I want to make a change. I want to make an improvement. I want to discipline myself. I want to lead a more positive and productive life and that's fantastic. Now often we fall by the wayside and we get disappointed with ourselves and that is one of the reasons why resolutions get broken. - People will say okay my resolution for this new year as I'm going to quit smoking cigarettes, right and they do good. They do well for a couple days and then the third day in they break down and they smoke a cigarette. Now what most people will do unfortunately is they'll break their resolution and they'll say well that was nice. I broke my resolution. I'm done. I might as well go right back to where I was before. What doesn't have to be the case, you know, let's say your resolution is I'm going to go to the gym three times a week every week all year long and by February 1st, you find that you've gone once or twice or three times in the entire month. - You say well, I broke my resolution. I might as well quit and go back to the way I was no, you don't have to just because you quote break and that's the thing about these New Year's resolutions is people think "Well, I broke my resolution. So that's it for the year. I'll try again in another 11 months. I'll try it again", but doesn't have to be the case, and you shouldn't expect that you're going to be perfect. I saw a picture. I was on the internet and it was a picture of a basically a fit or trim person and it showed them slowly morphing into an overweight, obese person and it said this end the title was it said: "This did not happen overnight." It didn't happen in a week or a month. - Even it took you 20 years from in 20 years. You went from being a physically fit person of you know, recommended weight to wherever you are now and maybe your maybe you that's not your problem. Maybe you're very physically fit right now, but what people expect. It took you 20 years to get to the point where you are 48 pounds overweight or whatever you feel is, you know overweight, and what we do to ourselves as we say, well I'm going to resolve and I'm going to challenge and I'm going to make myself. I'm going to be thin again, and they think that they're going to do it in 30 days. You know, it took you years to get to that position, that point and you think that in 30 days you're going to make this huge change? That's not how people work. - Maybe you've been smoking for 20 years and you want to quit. All right, you can quit you should quit but it's not going to happen overnight and you're going to stumble but just because you stumble does not mean now that you have you have an excuse and that is what we do as a society. We stumble and the very first time we stumble or the very first time that we fall short on our resolution or our path to our goal or our challenge or whatever the first time we stumble we use that as an excuse to quit. - Like "Hell, I broke my resolution, was nice while it lasted but I'm just going to go right back to where I was." No, you don't have to go right back to where you were. You don't have to go back to those negative or bad habits. Stop using it as an excuse. How many times have you heard that either from yourself or from others? Oh, yeah. Well, you know my new year my resolution was I was going to do blank. But then, you know, I was going to cut out sweets or I was going to cut out was it going to drink soda anymore wasn't going to eat, you know cookies or sweets anymore. - How is doing well for a few days and then you know I came home and I was tired and I had a bad day and and I ran for the cookie jar and and well, that's it. What do you mean that's it? Well, I broke my resolution. So it's okay and if we can be completely and totally honest with each other. How many of us have broken resolutions just so that we would have an excuse to go back to The Way We Were. did I slap you in the face with some cold reality? Yeah, that's true. So here's the deal. If you're serious, give yourself a break. - You know, you're going to stumble, it's okay. But if you're genuinely serious about your resolution, about the promise and think about like that when you hear the term resolution, think of it like this a resolution is a promise that you make to yourself. It's an agreement that you make with yourself. You're going to go for a new goal or a challenge or what have you? So just because you stumble just because you fall just because you break your New Year's resolution doesn't mean it's time to quit and go right back to where you were pick yourself up off the ground and drive on. Alright, ladies and gentlemen, well as my calendar is said this is going to go out on New Year's Eve, and so I will talk to you guys again next year. I'm your host Paul Markel, talk to you real soon.

[OUTRO]

♫ Trenches by Pop Evil ♫

*Alex*

Thank you for spending time with us today. To get show notes, submit a topic request, for more from your host Paul G. Markel, visit MorningMindsetPodcast.com. That’s MorningMindsetPodcast.com. Please leave a review of this podcast on your favorite podcast player, we appreciate your time & effort, and we look forward to reading your honest feedback.

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[epchapman89]

Magic In The Moonshine: Cascara Booze Is Here

Cascara, once little more than a waste byproduct of coffee production, is now the drink de rigueur of the worldwide coffee scene. Cascara is the dried husk of the coffee cherry. East Africa coffee producers have steeped dried cherry for hundreds of years, but it’s been a recognizable export only recently—we first covered it in 2010. Depending on its quality, the prepared drink (steeped like tea) is a reddish amber color, fruity, and has a honey-like sweetness. Cascara has held the interest of new-wave specialty coffee companies for nearly a decade, and now it’s moving into the booze world in the form of a cascara liqueur.

Before it was boozified, it was introduced to the United States in its purest form: served steeped alongside tea and coffee drinks at cafes like Stumptown Coffee Roasters, and sold wholesale by Durham roaster Counter Culture Coffee. In 2011, the Nordic Barista Cup worked with El Salvador producer and Sprudgie Award winner Aida Batlle to create a limited-edition cascara beer. Early cascara adopter Everyman Espresso experimented with the ingredient and created a syrup concentrate for cool refreshers like cascara soda. Square Mile Coffee Roasters used cascara as a substitute for cacao to create a chocolate-like bar for a coffee festival, and bottled cascara coolers are now available from Berlin to Grand Rapids to Phoenix. Sprudge used cascara kombucha as a punchline in a video, and years later it became a real beverage served at Scandinavian Embassy, alongside a raw oyster on a half shell with cascara infused butter.

And now, Cascara Moonshine from Sydney’s Campos Coffee, the Sydney-based coffee roaster with locations in Melbourne, Brisbane, Sydney, and Park City, Utah. Campos created the “world’s first” cascara liqueur, with a limited 100 bottle run in December of last year. Sprudge was lucky enough to slip a bottle across international borders, and brother, it’s something special—we hope they make a couple hundred more bottles in 2017.  I just had to learn more about this special spirit, so I reached out to Campos Head of Marketing Nathan James.

Hey, Nathan! Cascara Moonshine. It’s real, and it’s spectacular. When did this new product debut?

Campos Cåscara Moonshine first made its debut mid-December last year, with a first run of 100 bottles and was sold out within the space of one day.

Who did you team up with to produce it?

John Thompson from Campos Coffee and Andrew Fitzgerald from Melbourne Moonshine teamed up to produce the world’s first liqueur based on the Cåscara coffee cherry bean. They went through many trials and test batches of the product before settling on its current flavour profile. The challenge was to not let the moonshine overpower the sweet taste of the Cåscara.

Where did you source the cascara?

Cåscara is produced by the Helsar De Zarcero micro-mill in Costa Rica. Local farmer Ricardo Barrantes and his daughters have worked to create a unique process of de-pulping and drying organic coffee. Unlike other cascara products on the market, the husks are dehydrated instead of sun dried. The result is a light, crispy shell, so crunchy you can eat as a snack.

How has the response been?

We knew we were onto a good thing once we’d tasted the liquor but were unsure of how the public would feel, as Cåscara is relatively unknown in Australia. But the response has been overwhelmingly positive, with customers loving the sweeter notes in the liquor, not dissimilar to cherry. It’s a really approachable flavour that people will have never tried before, surprisingly though it tastes nothing like coffee. A sell-out of 100 bottles in just a day demonstrates the positive response so far.

Do you have a drink recipe you recommend?

Absolutely—we call this the “Cåscara Blood Moon”:

1 part Cåscara Moonshine (30ml) 1 part Campari 100ml of blood orange juice

Shake over ice, strain into an iced tumbler and garnish with a slice of ruby grapefruit. For a better effect, infuse the Campari with coffee beans by adding 50g roasted coffee beans to a bottle of Campari, cover and refrigerate overnight, and strain and return to bottle.

Can I pour it over ice cream?

We firmly believe anything that can be poured over ice cream, should be. However this is especially true for Cåscara Moonshine, with a sweetness that would pair perfectly with a vanilla, white chocolate or coconut ice cream.

How much is a bottle?

Cåscara Moonshine retails for AU$70 or US$52.62

We were thrilled to get to try this bottle. How can our readers do the same? Where does one buy this?

The boys at Melbourne Moonshine are busy creating another limited edition Cascara Moonshine batch, so if you’re interested head to our website and place your name on the waiting list, and we’ll be sure to let you know when the next batch is released.

Thank you! 

Zachary Carlsen is a co-founder and editor at Sprudge Media Network. Read more Zachary Carlsen on Sprudge.

The post Magic In The Moonshine: Cascara Booze Is Here appeared first on Sprudge.

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