#I guess thats all I gotta say. I'm just happy to be here :]

[das-a-kirby-blog]

YEAR THREE❗️❗️❗️GIVE IT UP FOR YEAR THREE❗️❗️❗️

[tgcg]

bad mouther, hole master

TG: kissing with tongue is gross as hell

CG: COME THE FUCK OFF IT.

TG: what

CG: I'M SAYING SHUT UP.

TG: oh

CG: IT'S NOT THAT WEIRD. IT'S LIKE THE NATURAL PROGRESSION OF REGULAR KISSING TO EVENTUALLY INCLUDE THAT. IF YOU HAD ANY SEMBLANCE OF ROMANCE GHOSTING THROUGH THE DEVOLVING REMNANTS OF YOUR THINKPAN YOU'D APPRECIATE WHAT IT BRINGS TO THE NUTRITION PLATFORM OF ANY CONSENTING CONCUPISCENT RELATIONSHIP!

TG: youre talking about it like its a goddamn military weapon or some shit

TG: some kinda scientific fuckin method to fondle a dudes mouth with your own mouth thats

TG: thats gross

TG: this isnt supposed to be a debate before fuckin congress on the pros and cons of getting your mack on

TG: its i would say a reasonably personal thing to react about and thats just my reaction man you dont gotta arbitrate it

TG: and like why the hell do they have to linger on it so long in these movies do they really want me to immerse myself in people necking each other that much

TG: roll the sounds around in my earholes like im swilling a fine fuckin wine

TG: well my professional opinion is that shit tastes and sounds mad gross and tbh i havent seen a single movie where it was close to being any kind of necessary

TG: its just a cringy waste of everyones time

CG: YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, AND I DISAGREE WITH EVERYTHING THAT COMES OUT OF YOUR IGNORANCE GASH, YOU LUMP OF TIGHT-LIPPED CLUELESSNESS.

TG: did you just homestar me

CG: FOR THE SAKE OF ARGUMENT, SINCE YOU'RE APPARENTLY DESPERATE TO START SHIT WITH ME RIGHT NOW: HAVE YOU EVER EVEN DONE IT?

TG: hell no

CG: THANK YOU FOR PROVING MY POINT.

TG: proving your point--

TG: bro have uh

TG: have YOU???

CG: EXCUSE ME? HAVE I WHAT?

TG: come on

TG: i walked into this stupid conversation with a fucking shovel and by god am i digging myself a damn hole big and wide enough for every dave across time to squeeze in so i might as well get cosy in this shit before we all start collectively shoving dirt in our mouths

TG: bet your ass im taking you down with me though

TG: grab your spade and get digging man

CG: GRAB MY WHAT????????

TG: just tell me

CG: ???????!!!!!!!!

TG: karkat

CG: NO!

TG: f-

CG: WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM!!!!! WHAT PART OF "SHUT UP" DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND????

TG: wait no

TG: oh my god dude

TG: you can spin that shit all you want but you can do it the hell away from me

TG: i do not need to be hip to your weirdo foursquare fantasies

TG: patently not my business

CG: STOP RIGHT THERE. JUST SHUT IT. I AM PUTTING US OUT OF OUR MISERY RIGHT NOW. I AM CONDUCTING AN ACT OF MERCY ON THIS INSANE FUCKING CONVERSATION AND YOU ARE GOING TO ZIP YOUR LIPS AND TAKE IT.

CG: HERE IT IS: YOUR SINGLE OPPORTUNITY TO PRETEND YOU NEVER SAID THAT TO ME. I AM GOING TO FORGET YOU MADE A COMPLETE MOCKERY OF ME AND MY CULTURE THIS ONE TIME. AND LET YOU CONTINUE TO DIG YOUR STUPID, SHITTY HOLE.

CG: AND DAVE, I AM BEGGING YOU NOT TO WASTE IT.

CG: TO ANSWER YOUR SHOCKINGLY INAPPROPRIATE QUESTION, NO I HAVE NOT DONE IT.

CG: WHO GIVES A FLYING FUCK.

CG: HAPPY?

TG: ……..

TG: way to defuse the situation solid work

TG: real gold star effort grabbin that lit wick and blowing on it

TG: ok first of all you asked me first so dont act like im the one being a weirdo about this

TG: second of all i didnt mean it like that and you know it

TG: THIRD of all what the hell was the point of engaging the knightly theatrics then if you cant even verify that shit

CG: WELL FUCK, SORRY DAVE! I GUESS I'M JUST A FUCKING ROMANCE ENTHUSIAST! I GUESS I GIVE A MAJOR SHIT ABOUT THE THING YOU'RE OPENLY MOCKING TO MY FACE! IS THAT SO IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO WRAP YOUR THOUGHT SPONGE AROUND?

CG: AND IT WAS COMPLETELY REASONABLE FOR ME TO ASK YOU THAT, YOU CONGEALED FETID NOOKSTAIN! MY STATUS ON THE MATTER HAS LITERALLY NOTHING TO DO WITH THE POINT EITHER OF US IS TRYING TO MAKE.

CG: TRY TO KEEP YOUR NUGBONE FROM CAVING IN ON ITSELF WHEN I DROP THIS BOMBSHELL: I'M ALLOWED TO HAVE OPINIONS ON THINGS I ACTUALLY KNOW ABOUT, EVEN IF I HAVEN'T DONE THEM! I DON'T JUST GO TROUNCING THE FUCK ABOUT LOBBING MY UNFOUNDED OPINIONS AT PEOPLE LIKE I KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING. UNLIKE SOMEONE WHO MAY OR MAY NOT BE INVOLVED IN THIS CONVERSATION WE'RE HAVING RIGHT NOW!

TG: youre

CG: I’M TALKING ABOUT YOU BY THE WAY. THE SOMEONE IS YOU.

TG: oh gimme a break

TG: bro youre going apeshit over something you havent even done

TG: you know what that sounds like to me it sounds like an overcompensating fake fan who doesnt get any

TG: you heard of troll napoleon complex

CG: AT LEAST I ACTUALLY FORMED MY OPINION BASED ON CAREFUL CONSIDERATION --

TG: -- oh yeah i bet huh

CG: -- INSTEAD OF JUST BANKING ON NUBJERK --

TG: -- not a real thing you just said

CG: -- REACTIONS AND WRINKLING MY SNIFF NUB AT ANY SIGNS OF GENUINE PHYSICAL INTIMACY!

TG: stop saying nub

CG: YOU EMOTIONALLY CONSTIPATED BULGEWAD

TG: not too much worse than being a perpetual fountain of emotional diarrhea

CG: DON'T YOU DARE.

CG: DON'T YOU DARE TRY TO USE THAT AS A "GOTCHA", YOU--… YOU! FUCK!

TG: dude did you actually run out of insults

TG: okay this is getting concerning

TG: youre the international dude of verbal dunks

TG: that can not be happening

CG: AAGHRJRGHJRGRHJAGHRJGRHJAGRHJRGRHJRGRHRJR

TG: you cant run out of em youre like the ultimate peddler of hate

CG: YOU DON'T THINK I'M CRITICALLY AWARE OF THE HOOFBEASTSHIT I'M SPEWING NIGH FUCKING CONSTANTLY?! I AM PAINFULLY COGNIZANT OF HOW MORONIC EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS IS!!!!

TG: feel like ive done some damage here

CG: ESPECIALLY MYSELF!

TG: alright bud time to calm down

CG: YOU CALM DOWN!!!!

TG: okay whatever!

CG: WHATEVER!!!!!!!!

TG: jeez

…

TG: here

…

CG: UGH.

TG: yeah

TG: really glad stuff like this happens in private

CG: YEAH. SAME HERE.

CG: JEGUS, CAN WE GO BACK TO BEFORE WE HAD THIS CONVERSATION? I DON'T ASK YOU MANY FAVORS, SO SURELY YOUR SLURRY OF ILL-DEFINED TIME POWERS CAN ALLOW YOU TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

CG: JUST LIKE, WIPE THAT WHOLE THING OFF THE SLATE.

CG: LET'S START OVER. SAY, FIVE MINUTES AGO. HOW DOES THAT SOUND?

TG: what conversation?

CG: OKAY, GOTCHA.

[jamsmemes]

(     *     THE SUBSTANCE PROMPTS   !    

feel free to change pronouns / details as needed  !

❛ find me somebody new. ❜

❛ you better get busy. ❜

❛ people are just people. and i have to give people what they want. ❜

❛ renewal is inevitable. ❜

❛ you're a genius! ❜

❛ oh hey, it's your birthday. happy birthday. ❜

❛ you're a good candidate. ❜

❛ you haven't changed a bit. ❜

❛ you're still the most beautiful girl in the whole wide world. ❜

❛ hey, why don't we go out for a drink sometime now that we're, you know, reconnected? ❜

❛ have you ever dreamt of a better version of yourself? ❜

❛ everything comes from you. and everything is you. ❜

❛ you can't escape from yourself. ❜

❛ what a gorgeous little angel. ❜

❛ people want to be happy. ❜

❛ gorgeous, with a pure heart. people are gonna love that. ❜

❛ you wanted to complain about something? ❜

❛ i'm actually quite handy if you ever need me to be of aid in any way. ❜

❛ i'll see you next week. and in the meantime, take care of yourself. ❜

❛ what has been used on one side is lost on the other side. ❜

❛ there's no going back. ❜

❛ respect the balance and you won't have any more inconveniences. ❜

❛ i just saw you on tv. ❜

❛ hey, you don't give private lessons, do you? ❜

❛ hey, what about a drink at my place tonight? ❜

❛ come on, don't be shy. ❜

❛ did you follow me here? ❜

❛ i was just curious to find out how things are going for you. ❜

❛ each time you feel a little more lonely, don't you think? ❜

❛ i'm fine. everything's fine. ❜

❛ it gets harder each time to remember you still deserve to exist. ❜

❛ this part of you is still worth something. ❜

❛ sorry, i mean, i'm in shock. ❜

❛ i just, i've been really really busy lately. ❜

❛ i will see you tonight. ❜

❛ i need five minutes. ❜

❛ this balance is not working. ❜

❛ i love everybody. ❜

❛ people love you. they adore you. they want more and more of you. ❜

❛ you can't go higher than that. ❜

❛ thats gonna be intense. ❜

❛ if you don't open the door and opportunity knocks, you won't get another chance. ❜

❛ you of all people know this. ❜

❛ just one more day and then i have a whole week off. ❜

❛ we can switch. ❜

❛ just one more day, okay? ❜

❛ would you like to stop? ❜

❛ will it go back to the way it was before? ❜

❛ i can't stop. ❜

❛ just a little something to keep you busy. ❜

❛ i don't think anybody was really prepared for this world. ❜

❛ oh my god, that is huge news. ❜

❛ i want, we want to know everything. ❜

❛ well i mean, there's really not very much to tell. ❜

❛ i'm sure that you've never heard of it. ❜

❛ ever since i can remember, it has always been my dream to be on screen. ❜

❛ this is my dream. ❜

❛ you do know that we're not exactly from the same generation. ❜

❛ i'll fucking show you. ❜

❛ i guess that's why you could say we have some sort of connection. ❜

❛ you wouldn't exist without me. ❜

❛ would you share one of your little beauty secrets with us? ❜

❛ i guess i just try to be myself. to be sincere and grateful for all that i have. ❜

❛ stop it. you're taking it from me. ❜

❛ you have to control yourself! ❜

❛ i can't go back, i forgot. ❜

❛ coming to bed? ❜

❛ yes, i'll be right there. ❜

❛ i'm telling you, this is urgent. ❜

❛ tell me how to do it. ❜

❛ there is no other option. ❜

❛ who's this? who the fuck is that? ❜

❛ leave me alone! ❜

❛ i want to stop! i want to fucking stop! ❜

❛ once you stop, you can't go back. ❜

❛ i can't do this. i need you. ❜

❛ you gotta get ready. it's our big night. ❜

❛ they're gonna love you so much. ❜

❛ you're the only lovable part of me. ❜

❛ you have to come back. ❜

❛ you gonna dance? ❜

❛ i'm gonna be right back, sorry. ❜

❛ they have been dying to meet you. ❜

❛ is everything okay? ❜

❛ that's what we want tonight. ❜

❛ pretty girls should always smile. ❜

❛ hey, you ready for tonight? ❜

❛ this is where you belong. ❜

❛ you always belong here. ❜

❛ we can't do it without you. we'll never do it without you. ❜

❛ let's go, what are we waiting for? ❜

❛ you will not be disappointed. ❜

❛ shoot the monster! ❜

[luvhughes43]

sabrina carpenter masterlist

luvhughes43 masterlist🌙

notes: jacks never beating the cheating allegations that i made up😭 ALSO! im just posting this for a reference. i might change who the fics are for

vicious | trevor zegras

summary: media girl for the ducks, trev and her start hooking up + secret relationship but he tells people it’s not true & ruins her image in the process

lyrics: "oh, you're so vicious love me then pretend you didn't, crush my heart and wreck my image, why you gotta be so vicious?"

read your mind | luke hughes

summary: Luke hughes keeps toying with u

lyrics: "you say that you need to be alone, but night and day, want me at your beck and call"

"you say you know that you might be crossing a line, wasting all our time"

tornado warning | nico hischier

summary: nico and yn can't help but keep seeing each other, even though she knows it's not the best for her.

lyrics: "don't understand how quickly we get right back in our rhythm without missing a step, and logically the last thing i should have on my mind but i want you there sometimes"

"i guess maybe thats why im lying to my therapist, i keep saying things like "i never saw him and we never kissed"

because i liked a boy | jack hughes

summary: reader gets hate comments from her ex boyfriends fans, saying she's a homewrecker and a slut, despite them already being broken up when everything went down.

lyrics: "now im a home wrecker, i'm a slut, i got death threats filling up semi trucks, tell me who i am, guess i don't have a choice, all because i liked a boy"

already over | jamie drysdale

summary: relationship thats not

lyrics: "yeah, i say, "i'm done", but i'm still confused, how am i supposed to close the door when i still need the closure? and i change my mind, but it's still on you, how am i supposed to leave you now that you're already over?"

nonsense | quinn hughes

summary: youre so in love with quinn your speaking nonsense ! (insta edit)

bad for my business |

summary: you know your relationship is toxic but you're in love with unknown.

lyrics:

decode | quinn hughes

summary: youre done waiting for quinn hughes. his confusion and noncommittal attitudes towards your relationship completely exhausting you.

lyrics: "i let your confusion keep me up at night, i'm so tired, re-read every single undertone and i overanalyzed it"

"where else can we go? theres nothing else left here to decode"

opposite | jack hughes

summary: a few weeks after you're break up with jack hughes, you find out he's dating someone who looks absolutely nothing like you, making you question everything.

lyrics: "she looks nothing like me, so why do you look so happy, now i think i get the cause of it, you were holding out to find the opposite"

"oh, i know now even if i tried to change, that you'd end up with her anyway"

feather | trevor zegras

summary: you finally break up and move out from yours and trevors apartment.

lyrics: "i feel so much lighter like a feather with you out of my life"

"i slam the door, i hit ignore, i'm saying, no, no, no, no more, i got you blocked, excited to never talk"

lonesome | jack hughes

summary: after a rough break up because jack of cheating, yn thinks about how crazy the narrative change was when jack realized she wasn't who the public wanted for him.

lyrics: "tell me i was more than just a decent opportunity, or will you tell me anything i wanna hear to control how you're preceived?"

"isn't it kind of strange how it all changed when i wasn't the one they wanted you to love?"

things i wish i said | luke hughes

summary: after your bad break up with luke, youre left wishing things had gone differently.

lyrics:

[sophisticatedgia]

My boyfriend thinks evolving means learning and doing new things and fun stuff. I do too, but different sort of "fun" stuff. Like living Christlike and in tune with nature the deep ecology of earth. He says all I like to do it sit in silence and pray. That's not true I love cuddling and kissing him and getting back massages. My eating disorder is out of hand. I need change. I hate living with my parents cus my unforgiving tyrannical older brother lives there and puts everyone down. I would say it's elder abuse against my ailing parents who have Parkinson's and multiple sclerosis. But it is what it is. I won't be able to date anyone once I go back there. It's cop country in my town everyone waving police support tshirts and flags. When I go to the gym there I workout next to the sheriff. When I was psychotic the cops used to stop me and bother me and make me go home when I was just trying to escape to a Christian farm. I am trapped in so many ways. My family basically kept me prisoner there instead of me making yerba mate tea and living sustainable natural lives with other Christians . I daresay it may have cured my socialization issues. What I like most now is doing nothing. Just laying there praying and not picking the scabs on my hands. When my hands r in prayer mode I can't pick them.

It sucks i hurt my foot on my bfs hoverboard, whatever the fudge that is. It literally cracked my foot sideways and I've been limping for days. So I been skipping the gym.

Right now my mission is to find an earbud that I just got an Amazon account for him to purchase. I have little patience and empathy for him to lose something so expensive and valuable one day after receiving it. But thats what he does. He's so stingy with money but has so much of it. And he insists that I find it while he's at work. There's so much clutter here I cannot romanticize it . He says normally he would pay "bitches" to clean it for him. Oh yeah heavy ass objects like huge toolboxes and elliptical machine?

Pisses me off cus my old friend who was friends w him. Hung out w him behind my back. They went dumpster diving. She's obsessed with it and theres so much clutter in her home because of it. Get more gotta get more! Well I guess that's how my stomach is isn't it?

Anyway recently she wanted to talk to me and bc I was in midst of break up with boyfriend I answered abruptly "about what?" And she was like NVM. Everyone is such a big baby. Did you know my bf told me she put her cat in the mailbox on a hot day and it died from the heat? I'm pissed.

as soon as I deactivated my Facebook account last night she sends my boyfriend a friend request.

My boyfriend tells me that I think im better than everyone and entitled. So you know what I think I better be a solider for myself and Christ. And be a single old hag for the rest of my life. Remembering and fuming with jealousy but also positivity and happiness at having loved and lost and that everyone can be happy without me.

My mom says that they are crude low people and she doesn't understand my attraction to someone who uses drugs. He loved me with a love that was so tender (at times) and light and gentle and deep and passionate. No one will ever replace him.

But to him I'll just be the retarded, entitled, useless, pointless evil "cunt" who is "absolutely perfect" when I am skinny. He said if he had in his mind the ideal physicality of a female mate I'd be his. He'd be mine but I think it's time to let him go.

You know it's kind of zen to be pointless and useless. Just being.

Sorry for TMI y'all. I cants believe i has so many followers and mutuals. Love!

[nyalectro]

This is so random sorry but I gotta say SOMETHING.

This account is so surreal to me because you seem so similar to myself and i've never seen anyone who liked Electro (like, very passionately the way I do.) He was always my favorite villain since I was a little kid but the PS4 version of him is what kicked off my insanity to the level it is now and I've been insane since 2018, collecting stuff of him like comics and figures and trading cards.

I have a TikTok account dedicated to my special interest (..electro) and A LOT OF PEOPLE tell me it's weird and I kinda get teased so seeing another person who loves him in the comics (616) and game so much has blown my mind and I'm really happy to see it I can't lie.

Is this weird? I felt like it would be weirder if I ignored it 😭😭

if i had the money id decorate my room with his face..

NO ITS NOT WEIRD AT ALL.. the girls who get it, get it and the girls who dont, dont… they just dont get electro like we do….

funnily enough i just saw a notification from you before the inbox and i thought DAMN this person likes electro okkk let them cook

unfortunately i dont have tiktok but imagine you had a follower more there🫶🫶

ive also always loved electro as a kid (knew him through the ultimate spider-man tv series) and got the ps4 game in 2018 and thought nothing much (i did very much like him though) but after replaying it in late 2020 something clicked in me😭😭 hes just so silly and stupidly evil and gay and i guess underappreciated … lots of people love tssm and tasm which i do understand but guys… ps4… 616 comics… for some reason theyre hidden gems… I mean i guess i understand since electro is by far not as fleshed out of a character as so many others but hey… theres some good comics of him like the light the night trilogy (sm 1990 #38–40) or asm 1963 #422 which i loooove that definitely help understand his character more.. sighhh

you shan’t feel shame for liking him… every character no matter how unknown has a biggest fan and thats all of us here

[sweaterkittensahoy]

hellooo mota prompt if this floats your boat:

demarco/macon practically together in every scene in the stalag is very much thought provoking, maybe some postwar getting together? I firmly believe benny was Enamored by macon!! benny swinging by macons base/flight school to introduce meatball after months of back and forth letters is suchh an image.

if this doesnt spark anything for you thats completely alright too, i love your prompt fics and vibrating with the thought of reading your rosielemmons!!

[Oh, I got thoughts right away! Love this idea! NOTE: Oh, this one got away from me.]

WESTERN UNION TELEGRAPH COMPANY

RECIEVED AT Birmingham, AL

Via CHICAGO, IL

R: Leaving Noon. Chicago. Stopping just in KY for the night. Back on road 6AM tmw. C U in the afternoon. - BD&M

Richard reads the telegram twice, just because he can. It's just after two o'clock now, the humidity really digging into the air. He'd mentioned it to Benny a few letters ago, warning him to make sure Meatball had extra water for the trip.

It feels odd that it's finally happening. After months of letters and cards, Benny's coming to Alabama to see him. To see the flight school he's setting up. To meet Richard's family and friends.

Like that's something a white boy does.

Richard puts the telegram on his desk and walks outside, looking up at the sky. He thinks about the Stalag more than he'd like, but this time, it's on purpose. Strange way to make a friend, bunking together at a prison camp. But they are friends. Richard's sure about that.

He thinks about Benny's smile and his laugh. The way his handwriting gets messy when he writes a funny story. Richard turns his gaze to the hanger he's nearly finished building. There are two planes in there, a third on the way. It's due to get delivered while Benny is here. They'd planned the trip on it.

...I'm happy to help with whatever you need while I'm there. I haven't flown a Cessna since training, so maybe don't put me in the pilot's seat, but I'd love to see a plane get delivered. You'd think they'd fly it in, but I guess a truck delivery makes a little more sense. Guy's gotta get back home somehow...

*

Benny pulls up to the little house by the airfield at four o'clock the next day. All the windows of his car are down. Meatball's got his head out of one of them, panting like all get out.

Richard steps out the front door and waves hello, then walks towards Benny, hand out to shake.

Benny's handshake is as firm as Richard remembers. His smile is brighter, but they're not worn out at a camp anymore. They're men who survived and came home. Who wrote each other the first letter on the same day by accident.

Richard's not one for signs, but he holds that fact close to his heart. That they wrote each other that first letter on the same day, neither of them truly doing it first. The friendship they'd built in the Stalag had simply done the work when it was time.

"Look at you!" Benny says. He grabs Richard's shoulders and squeezes. "You look like you get three meals a day!"

"Sure do," Richard replies. "You're about as skinny as ever."

Benny grins. "My ma's trying her best, but I've always had a hollow leg, you know?" He turns and opens the back door of the car. Meatball jumps out, sniffs, and immediately pees on the driveway.

"Is that approval or disapproval?" Richard asks.

"Think it's just urine," Benny replies.

And it's Richard's turn to grin. Meatball walks over and sniffs his hand, and Richard pets him. "Never actually seen one of these in person before," Richard says to Benny. "Huskies don't do great down here."

Benny wipes his hand across his temple where sweat is beading. "Yeah, I can tell. Chicago gets warm in the summer, but we get the lake breeze."

"Well, come on inside. It's a little cooler."

Benny grabs his suitcase from the trunk, then lets Richard lead the way into the house. Meatball walks next to Benny, snuffling every inch of yard he can.

Benny sighs in relief when he steps into the house. "Oh, yeah, this feels much better."

"Built it to let the heat out in the summers," Richard says.

"Those plans you sent me don't do it justice," Benny replies, looking around in the living room. "But I think I remember where everything's supposed to be. He points to the door at the left. "That's the dining room."

"It is."

He points right, "And that's the hallway with two bedrooms."

"Yes."

"And on the back, you've got the kitchen on the left, and your office on the right, with the bathroom tucked in between."

"Yup."

"Did you paint the bathroom blue like you planned?"

"Find out," Richard says, gesturing that way.

Benny walks that way, and Richard watches him move. He bounces on his toes a little. He didn't do that at the camp. Richard likes it.

He likes a lot of things about Benny.

He sometimes thinks Benny likes a lot of things about him.

But they've only had letters since the camp, and some things a man does not write down without surety.

"It is blue!" Benny calls from the bathroom. Richard listens to him walk towards the kitchen, then turn and walk to the office. "Oh, this turned out real fine," he hollers. "Those bookshelves are beautiful. You hand-carve the curve?"

"Yes, I did," Richard says. He walks into the office himself. Benny's looking at the built-in shelves with a smile, leaning in to read a few book titles. Meatball comes in, sniffs a leather chair, then climbs up and lies down.

"Meat--"

"He's okay," Richard says. "I don't mind dogs on the furniture."

"My sister doesn't let him in her house anymore. He shed all over the baby."

Richard laughs, picturing it. "Bet the baby loved it."

"He was climbing all over him. Meatball was delighted."

"Must have been a little rough for him, going from a whole base full of people giving him love to just you."

Benny's face changes, his smile turning smaller, but not in a bad way. More like he's having a private thought he likes a lot. "It's not so bad," he says. "Sometimes, you just need one person to love you the right way, you know?"

Richard swallows hard, nodding. He thinks about his first few days at the camp, the pain from his broken neck, and the frustration and rage about being a prisoner. Locked in a bunkroom with a bunch of white boys he didn't know and couldn't bring himself to trust.

And then when he'd been struggling to sit up one day, Benny had leaned over from the next bunk and held out his arm. Richard had stared, waiting for him to say something, but Benny had just sat there, arm out. The offer plain as day.

Richard had grabbed his arm and managed to sit up.

"We don't have much for pain around here," Benny had said once Richard had breathed through the spike of agony in his neck. "But I could make a fire, if you wanted. Heat some water. Get something warm on your neck."

Alex and Robert aren't there to help. They'd gone with a few of the other men to learn where to scrounge up supplies. Richard considers his options, then nods.

"Something warm might help," he'd said.

And that had been the start of it. Benny made a fire and warmed up some water and soaked some rags. He'd laid them over Richard's neck and sat next to him, asking him about himself like it was the most natural thing in the world.

"Where you from?" Richard had asked.

"Chicago," Benny had replied.

"You know any black people there?"

Benny had thought a moment. "My neighborhood's mostly Italian and Jewish," he'd said. "But I talked a little with a couple of fellas at work."

The answer had felt honest, and Richard had liked it. "Yeah, don't know a lot of white boys myself. Are Italians white in Chicago?"

Benny had laughed. "Mostly, I think," he'd said, and then he'd gotten up to get another cloth out of the water.

Richard looks at Benny, looking at his books in his office. Remembering the layout of the house in a way that tells Richard he's re-read his letters.

Richard's re-read Benny's letters, too.

"You got anyone loving you the right way these days?" Richard asks.

Benny bites the corner of his mouth. "Maybe," he says. He shuffles his feet and takes a step forward. "I, um, I wrote you a letter yesterday. Before I left Chicago."

"What's it say?" Richard asks.

"Nothing much," Benny replies. "But it didn't feel right to miss a week, you know?"

Richard takes a deep breath and a step forward. "I know," he says. "I usually write you on Wednesdays."

"Yeah, I've noticed." Benny leans against the bookshelf and looks up at Richard. His face is different than in the camp, more filled out. He's still skinny, but there's a glow of health to him now. They're doing all right, the both of them, Richard thinks.

"Richard."

"Yeah?"

"You wanna be loved by just one person in particular?"

Richard thinks of Benny making that fire. Warming up those rags. Thinks of Benny telling him terrible jokes and asking him about books and chemistry. Telling Richard about his family and asking about his. Playing cards side-by-side, where they cheated by showing each other their hands. Walking side-by-side during that whole long march, Benny checking every now and again that Richard was doing okay.

And then letters. Letters upon letters. All the devotion and care Benny had shown before shining through in a different way. Richard had read them in disbelief at first. Devotion and care like this, in this world. From a white boy.

"You got anyone in mind?" Richard asks.

Benny takes one more step forward, and Richard dips his head down. Benny touches right where his neck used to hurt the most, and Richard holds his wrist, and the kiss is just a little thing. Brief and a bit dry. But it's a promise. An agreement. A start.

*

Richard:

Just a quick note this week. I'm about to get Meatball loaded into the car and start driving. With a little luck, I'll beat this letter to Birmingham. Won't beat the telegram I'm sending, though. But it didn't feel right to go a Saturday without a note.

I'm writing this down so I don't chicken out: Ask me if I'm seeing anybody, will you?

Yours,

Benny

[firstdivisiongirl]

OH MY GAH HIIII !! I SAW THAT YOU DO MATCHUPS SO I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD A REQ FOR THAT BUT W TOKREV CHARACTERS ??? :DDDD i dont mind anyone tbh so dw abt choosing :33

ok i'll just drop some background info abt myself here :33

i'm aromantic + nonbinary, i am an entp 7w6 and i'm a pisces !! i like to draw, listen to music (either metal or just mainstream music i listen to whatever atp) and dance in my freetime !! :3

based on my personality ::

my friends tend to tell me that i'm the embodiment of the quote "dont judge a book by its' cover" cuz on the outside i act like a full on metalhead and really passive aggressive but at home i sleep next to a whole tower of plushies 💀🙏 and i collect stickers of silly little cats and otters (not my fault that they're so cute oml) i'm usually the clown of the group !! i tend to be hyperactive but my emotions change a lot- one second talking to me is like trying to get a toddler to pay attention to your teacher and the other is like trying not to get bitten by a rabid dog (my friend's words not mine). i tend to be a loud mouth srry . . . i do try to be quiet if necessary but if i get excited when talking i am a walking speaker . . . i get rlly excited if my favorite things are mentioned ?! like i would get rlly happy, smiley and would talk about it until i forget to breathe !! i like to consume horror media ?? idk if i can say that without sounding like an edgelord sobsob im sorry . . . i just love consuming those types of media (as a former kid w unsupervised access to the internet-) and i tend to ramble abt them along w other philosophical topics !! i like to discuss abt meaning of life, whether there are other universes, abt the capabilities of the human mind, etc. they're just so interesting!!! :] i guess im proud to say that my best trait is my humor 😋 maybe im overconfident abt this one cuz i just have pretty dumb sense of humor if im being honest frfr i tend to say things out of context . . . i like terrorizing my friends by saying the most outrageous things and overexaggerating them for the fun of it :333 though sometimes i kinda mean what i say

for my ideal partner ::

i'd say i would like someone who's fun to be around but at the same time they gotta be interesting for me to find them fun . . . like they gonna have smth to them that makes me wanna observe them like they're a lab rat being experimented on and being put under observation :33 ppl like that make me wanna see whats inside them and how they see the world around them !! i just love those kinds of ppl aaaaa ik im overdramatic for this one but like . . . i need someone who can handle me- as in my emotions and sometimes my way of loving . . . cuz if i did love someone, i would obsess over them and would dream of dying w them out of euphoria cuz being w my partner is the only thing that keeps me alive and human 😞 i wanna feel genuine happiness and pure bliss w my partner so thats why after that i think we should die together, that way we both know that finally we lived our life to the fullest (in my pov, 'the fullest' means you finally reach the climax of ur happiness/u live to the moment where you're the happiest you've ever been) (idk if that makes sense but that has always been my fantasy LAWD IM RAMBLING) need someone whos as crazy as i am :333 if he aint insane i dont want him fr i need to make him worse /j

i think thats all abt me :333 pls take ur time and make sure to put urself first btw !! aside from that, its ok if you ignore this one cuz at the end of the day its up to u <333 have a wonderful day/night mwah you're super cool

Hello! Of course you can have a matchup. Thank you for the kindness. I would like to warn you that I picked a somewhat controversial character. I hope you like it!

You Got...

Tetta Kisaki!!!

If boy can handle the chaos the is Shuji Hanma, he can handle you!

You wanted crazy...

Would love to see you smile when you get super excited about something! His favorite thing is to see the person he loves happy.

He is really really smart. So you would have very intellectual and philosophical discussions.

Would love that you aren't all you seem. Because he is the same way. You two can be badasses when out, but totally different when it is just the two of you (and Hanma sometimes when he is being Hanma and not leaving you all alone.)

Movie date nights. He'd let you pick it. If you're happy, he's happy.

[oh-cramity-its-amity]

You have a real niche taste in music

Ah- I don't know if I would call it niche per say but rather extremely refined and self curated. A lot of it amounts to me exploring and trying to constantly expand my knowledge on artists I might not know but have heard in passing. We are fortunate to exist in the age where something like Spotify exists and is widly accessible. A way that I look for artists is mainly through vinyl hauls on YouTube, I pull up Spotify in a different tab on my phone, and whenever an album looks even remotely intriguing or like it sounds of the genres I like, I add it to the library for later.

You gotta love an album a lot if your gonna spend money on a new vinyl; unfortunately the prices are godawful to buy multiple albums at one time but seeing someone talk about their vinyl collection and haul is something that I go to for recommendations. Album artwork is a good factor too! If it looks cool then why not, Spotify being so accessible makes the barrier of entry to consume an album almost without effort. If you listen to the album later and its not your jam then it too is a learning experience. Maybe that album didnt register for you at that time too, theres some albums I come back to months after a first listen that click and I enjoy. You gotta really have an open mind and not be afraid to discover something different thats out of your comfort realm. Its extremely fun for me, especially too when a friend or someone in passing mentions an album or song. Chances are even if I'm not engaging with you at the time and I see the post I'll pull my Spotify up and add it to my library. I'm always interested in figuring out what there is that's out there.

Obviously you dont ever have to approach music this way, if you are someone who only wants to listen to one or two artists then thats cool!!! Music is subjective and its something your supposed to enjoy as a whole. If it makes you feel good and happy then thats what matters.

Too- I find that sometimes an artist wont always click and sometimes its just the album itself. Not all artists have good albums, you dont need to consume all of an artist's catalog to "be a fan" you can just like one album by them. That's some of what I do. I try an album, like it, move on. But the trick is to try to figure out your favorite genres as well and find artists that fit within them or people who like those artists but also additional artists.

So- Examples of this is I like Phoebe Bridgers, yeah? Well this girl I watched mentioned Radiohead - Which is kind of not toward the same genres at all but you get the point. She liked Radiohead so I decided "Well maybe I should try to see what this album sounds like" and at first Radiohead was HARD to get into. Super slow for my taste, but a different youtuber said that In Rainbows was her favorite album, so I tried that one. And guess what? It clicked. I love In Rainbows. Then I went back to Ok Computer and it made sense. You just gotta approach it all with an open mind and not be afraid of trying something you might not like in the end, in every case its always a learning experience to help you refine your taste better!!! Also albums too sometimes need relistening for you to get a better feel for them. I can go on and on about music but I will leave it here. My taste is niche if you say it is anon, but I just know what I like lol

[ducknotinarow]

Blitz - Family Meme; all that apply uwu

| Talking about family

"You want me to go on about my Loony? Oh sure I love my daughter, Course there is also my baby sister I can chat about here also no problem. Uh? Wait...all of them? Fuck my life. WHY!"

Send 👔 for my muse to talk about their father

"Oh yeah my Dad was a real great Dad, wouldn't dare consider ever giving up his gold ticket Fizz but me? Me he'll sell for whatever you got in your pocket. Though I'm pretty surprised he took the sale at all? So I guess I have some kind of value? Think he just hand me off."

Blitz's Dad aint gonna be getting a 'world's greatest Dad' mugs from Blitz anytime soon. Cash Buckzo is clearly not any sort of loving parents towards Blitz not above manipulating them as a small child using his Mother against him just to get what they wanted from Blitz. It's pretty telling that even as a small child Blitz wouldn't do just anything for his Dad but can be swayed by the mere mention of his mother. Blitz clearly has no real hang ups when it comes to father he seems happy to drop them and forget them especially since Cash was clearly the reason he never got to speak to Fizz again and he's not phased at all to see him being a reason for that. Blitz dose clearly wish to be a much better father himself. And maybe be why despite Loona's age he treats her how he dose.

I feel it's also a part of what makes him like Stolas a lot, he can tell Stolas is a caring father. When they got trapped in the van together and Stolas was worrying about Via? Yeah course that's important to him.

Send 👚 for my muse to talk about their mother

"....Mom? Well I mean I loved her a lot. She was the best, she wasn't in the best of health but she always just..just made things better." Blitz clearly has a real sore spot when it comes to his mother. She was already his weakness as a kid he would do anything if he felt it would help his mom. She seemed the type in indulge her kids in their talents like Blitz love to draw despite being bad at it he still dose it even being aware he is in fact bad at it but it makes him happy and if anything makes him think of her. Though the fire wasn't truly his fault just a freak accident it was the worse day of his life. His family fell apart because like he stated in the very first episode, losing a mother ruins a family. And Blitz blames everything on himself, he's the reason he lost his mother after all and he is the reason he no longer has his sister in his life either. Still can't say the loss of his dad means that much to him but thats a pain he's dealt with forever.

His mother clearly holds a special place in his heart seeing how he keeps the skull oddment she once wore around her own neck. Not to mention the sight of his mother in a photo can send his emptions over the edge. And him feeling he caused him to lose his mother really just seeped into any other possible relationship he might find himself in.

Send 🤜 for my muse to talk about (one of) their sibling(s)

"....I mean I got Blair still..at least."

Blair being @questionablemuses oc XD Who I just love so course I gotta mention her ;3; well get to her in a bit.

Blitz has a twin sister Barbie who he was once close to even having a twin act along with his sister when he got a bit older. Likely happening once Fizz gained more popularirty seeing how the pair of them used to be a duo. Blitz and Barbie instead became an act together and clearly Babrie also was a very talent act carrying her brother in their shows. Which as young kids likely didn't bug her at first but I feel over time? did start to impact her feeling held back by her brother when she could be more on par with Fizz if not for Blitz. But thats her brother after all. Untill the fire which took away any chance she had from her, took her own mother away as well. I feel barbie stayed in touched with her father and likely let him help her try and book some gigs for a time. But that would lead her down a bad path of addiction. Blitz dosen't blame Barb for hating his guts if anything eh feels she is right to hate him. But he still tries his best he really dose. Trying to visit her when she was in rehab no matter how often he was kicked out or screamed at by her. In fact? I feel Blitz is the reason she ended up in rehab just adding more to the conflict between them. Blitz trying to be there for the last bit of family he has left. But seen as ruining things for Barb because of the jobs she had that allowed her the drugs she was getting hooked on.

Blair is the last bit of family he has that dosen't hate him or is gone. Blitz often wondering how long ti will take till Blair wises up finally. Well trying his best to hopfully not give her a reason to wisen up so to speak. Blitz however can be a bit overbearing with being protective of Blair. When it comes to who she dates and works not really mattering who it is Blitz is not a fan of anyone sucking on his sisters neck u-u Sorry Blair he cares he just Blitz one day he'll clam down when hes like old XD

Send 👶 for my muse to talk about (one of) their child(ren)

"I love my daughter, look at all these cute photos I have of her! My Loonie is so perfect like always~ Others just haven't seen how great she is!" Blitz I feel adopted Loona over any other hellhound, because he saw himself in Loona. Loona dose share a lot of traits with Blitz and both coming from these troubling backgrounds being rejected and abandoned? It's like that phase be the adult that child you needed in their life. Blitz however even with Loona still has the hadbit of keeping distance his overbearing and grossly over affection he knows she hates is a good way to keep a bit distance between them. Well still keeping the relationship there, course he fears her leaving as well and likey why he isn't too knee on her dating because she might leave and never come back.

He dose try to parent here but he clearly has no idea what he is doing, not to mention not treating her at the right age she is in. Some part likely has todo with how Hellhounds work he just dosen't treat her as a work hand of sorts. Which maybe be why Loona dose have some softness towards Blitz she just also good at keeping people away and at a distance. Blitz kind of allowing the over aggressive version she goes about it dosen't help but dose create a sort of understanding between them. She wouldn't worry about him if she didn't bother to learn about him she kind of gets the closest look at the mess he is living with him after all.

[enconfess]

If im honest really (as a fan of enstars since EN first release and have caught up with a few JP events except for like the super recent ones), I found most of the event stories and main story stuff uninteresting or just overall a headache to go through. Most of the time (through both official and fan translated) they would get me shaking my head asking "what the heck is going on??",or the story drags around that it feels both frustrating and just too boring for my brain to be able focus even, and just as I thought its gotta get better they will usually have some lame conclusion monologue going on that either my monkey brain is unintellectual to understand what's going or maybe its the writers are like that idk Im happy to see the pretty cgs though.

I would very much rather have someone summarize the stories to me even if it sacrifice for inaccuracies and biases. Ok here's an example, Antique Legends? The only thing I remember from the story is the fun interactions within Hokuto and his dad, which may be due to my bias with Hokuto but really that was the only truly entertaining part to me.

Speaking of characters I really don't care about character depth at all all I wanna see is them being cute in those little idol stories cause idol stories (yes I mean those short stories that are mostly like one - two chapter long) and scout stories are really what I look forward to the most personally cause they aren't over the top complicated or draggy like event stories and main stories, its not to say they are boring no in fact they are way more entertaining cause they make things that may seem so simple and mundane to something fun and also I love seeing them in wacky events too.

Also yes I did mention being a HokutoP though I would say I'm more of an overall drama clubP with other characters I like such as Aira and Naruchan (love calling her that personally) (and also I love every character in their many uniqueness and to be fair its just the bias demons that posses me). Now what do these guys have to do with this post? well to bring point that I know absolutely nothing about their 'complex sides' other than that they are sweet angels to me and I love seeing them in cute and funny situations, and guess what I still appreciate seeing them and hell I own a Wataru nui (planning to get a hokke one too soon) because even though yaydadad the whole war thing and his 'masks' I personally find him super fun even if I'm aware that he may just be putting on an act (plus I also have a mini white party dress for him that I make him wear whenever I went to anything fancy like my when I went to see my cousin perform on a orchestra concert).

To bring my final point I personally think that enstars best strength or interest for me is the idol / scout stories because even with their cookie cutter like surface layer personalities they manage to even be more memorable and overall fun to read. Oh and stories aside I adore most of the cards although they get bland sometimes and most of the songs are pretty good in my opinion love trickster songs muah. Anyhow thats just how I feel like enjoying the game and to be fair I prefer to enjoy it alone rather than to have a mutual around cause ye I'm that those type people who enjoy being alone and find a lot of people to be a waste of a space personally, well I have a lot in my mind currently as per usual but they most aren't enstars related so for now imma really stop myself here right now though I may come back here for more confessions idk depends on me I guess (I will also be surprised if you read through this entire thing and if you do thank you and may God bless you my good friend).

.

[vimesbootstheory]

i am right there with u on being disappointed by 'a long way to a small angry planet' - it just sort of happened and then was over. it felt so shallow and i was left sort of just, that was it?

some cool worldbuilding? i guess? but the characters were so... there? and nothing felt tense really except briefly in bursts. lik kind of boring episodes of a tv show which then had a finale where none of the main characters instigated or helped with the big blow up or tried to stop it or evn really knew what was happening (its been a couple months since i read, but lik, thats the vibe i remember)

like i kept waiting for it to ramp up, but it felt lik all setup/backstory or lik all epilogue? idk but it never got off the ground imo. just taxied around the airport

Taxiing around the airport is a perfect analogy, yeah thanks anon. I actually haven't finished it, I'm about three quarters through, but no worries about spoilers, I don't care about this book enough for that to matter

I feel like chambers really loved the bits of an RPG game (... again, mass effect lol) where you can optionally ask a character about all their species/culture lore, forgetting that you gotta embed that shit into an actual story, or else all you've done is write a lore bible with quotation marks around things. World building is nothing if you don't hang it over a story.

The most amusing part so far is when they got boarded by some ostensible bad guys, and I was hyped, like wow some actual conflict showed up like 40% into the book, amazing. But then they just have a conversation with the main guy and work out a deal where everyone's pretty happy, and the one guy who got kinda hurt talked out all his feelings with the other crewmates who all have hidden psych degrees apparently and it's all fine

Also the one fly in the ointment about rosemary and her ~hidden past~ and then she admits it to someone and they're like "what's the problem though" and I'm here like "I'M SAYING, there ISN'T ONE". There are no problems. Everyone loves each other and everything works out ok with no real effort on anyone's part.

[femmesandhoney]

I'm jealous of how many of you on radblr have like good enough moms. Mine was like beyond fucking abusive and I definitely got some internalized misogyny as a result.

And I'm not like trying to play trauma olympics or whatever, like I'm really not. I just see how a lot of you get this female solidarity thingy from your moms, and how much you love her and how much she scarcified for you and all that.

I can't relate to any of these things, the only person that tried and like fought for me was my dad so when you go on about your misandry I just feel so?? Idk i just dont have that anger in common with you.

And no this is not me saying that my dad is "one of the good ones", or that misandry is an overreaction to male oppression. I really need you to know that I don't have any bad intentions w this message.

This is kinda rambly. My US visa got approved today like 1 hour ago, and I only got 30 mins of happiness before she ruined everything.

I'm honestly glad it's at least over it was such a hassle. So yay I guess

Oh anon :( i don't think many people here have good relationships w their moms in a fantastic peas in a pod way. I love my mom, but she also fucked me up in many ways too. Everyone has various relationships w their mothers and the good parts people share here are likely not at all a good picture to compare yourself to either.

And there are definitely plenty of women here or whom we all know with terrible mothers. Women aren't immune to being bad parents and bad people just bc theyre women, obviously. One of my best friends growing up was raised by her dad and her mother was horrible. She was an alcoholic and never sent them to school. Her dad fought for custody of her and her brother, and he raised and loved them well. I would never try to defend her mother just bc shes a woman, she was an insanely horrible person and mother. Thats just an example of, like duh, there are fine fathers out there. Not every woman grows up w perfect moms. I think the idea that there's a way to be a perfect mother is also stupid, theyre people just like us. So i wouldn't necessarily be jealous of anyone. Even the "best" mom or dad will fuck up their kid in some way, thats just how being a parent works i think.

Im not sure what u mean about the misandry thing tho. We don't necessarily bond over our hatred of our fathers or our commonality of good mothers. Often we talk about how shitty men around us are yeah, which often will be immediate figures like fathers or male family, but misandry is about like all men being quite shitty a lot of the time in various ways lol? You don't gotta like start hating ur dad specifically when u start recognizing the patterns of male depravity and shittiness in the world 💀 i mean u could, but like no one is saying plz start hating ur dad if u have no real reason to. theres plenty of other shitty men to hate take ur pick lmao

[ationless-motive]

In so many ways I envy trans people. I envy their certainty in who they are, no matter how tenuous it is they at least have it, and god damn do I want that too. I want the euphoria of learning and working towards being myself. I want to give meaning to the gnawing ache of my hollowed out identity and fill it with the beauty of life and color.

I wish I could say I lay awake at night wondering and pondering and philosophizing about some aspect of transhood, yadda yadda. But I don't. I curl in bed too scared to ever experience the too-full silence of night where both crickets and my thoughts live, in a safe bubble of noise and dim light created by GeminiTay videos and Game Grumps compilations because god forbid I face the dark. Because it hurts to think about transhood. It hurts to imagine the joy trans people when they find comfort in themselves, hurts to imagine the joy transfemmes find when they can finally look at themselves in a mirror, hurts to imagine the certainty and strength transmascs find in the masculinity I've always resented, hurts to imagine how freeing letting go of being one or the other must be for those in between or outside the binary. It hurts, because I can't help but rejoice in and be happy for the beauty of personhood I see from them and what they feel, but I'm crushed by the envy of wanting to feel it all too.

I want to love myself. I want so desperately to be happy with my personage, with my identity, with my body, with whatever desiccated fucking heap my gender is. I want it. I want it, and they have it, and it's so hard not to feel like it's not fair. I bury myself under the shame of knowing I'm in some way romanticizing a struggle I know nothing about, all because I'm so lost in my own bullshit. I have no place in glorifying the very real lived experiences of others just to create some imaginary greener grass for me to yearn for. I have no fucking right to the trans experience.

Because I'm not trans. How could I be? I can't even figure out gender. Even a fucking decade after highschool I'm still frozen in the same spot, with the same confusions and self loathings, only made more rich and nuanced with the passage of time. I keep my head down, I make no waves, I take up no space. I don't grow. I don't change. I stay the same inert dead thing that doesn't age, only weather away. Being trans is about change isn't it? It's about a transformation of being? It's gotta be something. It's gotta be. Because how could it be this? This fucking impossible indefinable inescapable fear-thats-not-even-fear-anymore feeling that is constantly fucking suffocating me!? How in the fucking hell is it this!? Why can't I fucking name it why does it hurt and why can't I move past it or recognize it or name it like everyone else!? Why am I the only one still fucking confused? Why the hell was I born like this? Why? Why?

Why?

Why do I keep telling myself I'm not trans? When a part of me yearns for femininity. When I can't escape the memory of the time I tried to paint my own nails and spiraled and cried and doused my hand in nail polish like water onto a fire because I messed up and got the polish on my skin. Because I didn't know you could use cotton swabs to ease away any fumbles and slips. Because no one taught me, because I was too scared to learn, because I was a fucking idiot for thinking I deserved to have beautiful nails or to feel good about how I look. But it's not like I'm trans or anything. Because if I was it'd make all of... Everything so much harder, I guess. And god of it's not hard enough already.

There's so much more in my life that makes me feel like I should be more certain. Even if I know uncertainty is par for the course, and that it's silly for me to wish for the binary black-and-white yes-or-no certainty of "Am I Cis or Am I Trans?". I should be sure by now, shouldn't I? For god sakes I'm almost 28.

So I just lay here curled up crying in bed typing this out. Alone in this stew of my own self loathing and confusing feelings and envy towards trans people who have figured at least some parts of themselves out.

But I'm pretty sure I'm just being an idiot. Maybe the reason I don't feel trans is because I in some way 'other' transhood, make it into something external and outside of myself because I see it as a community of people I'm not a part of. I see queerness in general as a community I'm not a part of, because how can I be a part of it? How could I possibly belong to any group? I've spent so much of my life balancing between being discarded and "tolerated".

[logisticalandrewthinks-blog]

Rebirth

Feel like i gotta put an edgy title, even if I'm not feeling as edgy at this moment in time. its been a little while, a little over two years in fact, last i posted was August 7th 2022, now its August 30 2024.

I've graduated university now, and was lucky enough to have snagged a job before I finished that pays decent and has alright upward mobility. I'm wondering if I should feel happy now or if that will come later? it feels all a little too empty. Although I am not in the depths of despair that I used to always be in when I posted on here, i am feeling slightly empty on is this all life is now. I'm moving in with Hung next year, so theres that to look forward to, and also the Japan trip is finally happening, of which I have done my best to plan and organise, I realise now that if I want to do something, I should organise it, otherwise nobody will do it, since the people I tend to surround myself with are very low maintenance people who therefore aren't really planners much with the exception of like Kass I guess, who enjoys this sort of thing of being organised and planning for things. But I do have Japan to look forward to I guess, I am excited for that, but a part of me does wonder if all I will do now in life is just make money so that I can go on holiday, and then work, then go on holiday. I dont really have many aspirations to own a house or even relationship stuff much at the moment, though next year maybe ill try to date again to see if im any different to it, and if im alright to date now. Its more that in my future I see other people getting together with other people, and i feel like i should follow suit, like i should have myown person that im with too, since at a certain point of our lives i assume we wont see eachother as much since they'll be preoccupied with their significant others.

All this talk of is this all life amounts to and tangentially being related to that, the worth and happiness of a life made me go back and read an old manga that I really liked when i first read it back in the day called "I sold my life for ten thousand yen per year." which is about a guy who does just what the title says, he sells his remaining life til just three months, since he has nothing to live for but not a lot of money, so why not live a few months in luxury at least. I won't regurgitate the entire story but its worth a read again future Andrew if you're still there, thats quite touching and gets you thinking about the worth and happiness of a life.

This is probably the most mentally healthy I've ever typed into my blog, materialistically things are looking up for me, I'm gonna be making decent starting wage with benefits at a (allegedly) good company, Ill be doing hybrid so work from home some days and work in office other days. I have a group of friends online that i frequently join the voice calls daily to hang out and game if that occurs or watch things. These extend to real life too, seeing friends in real life and interacting with them. Its all going in a way, materialistically very well, and yet I can't help but feel, "is this it?". Like am I supposed to just do this for another 40 years til I retire, to then just rot away and die?

Something I did do this year which I really enjoyed was travelling, I went to morocco with oogin + HABS people which was an amazing short trip, a 8/10 experience could only be made better if we were there longer, paris with chrystal and josh 💀 was a 5/10 but mainly cause of being a third wheel of a couple that I don't think should be together, maybe I'll keep a record of their thing later if I can be bothered, and also went to the peak district to try outdoor climbing for the first time, and then to manchester recently for a wellness chec kinda thing for chrystal, since she always visited us but we never visited her but i said i wanted to, so i said fuck it ill organise it, when are you guys off and so 4 of us went up north to manchester for two days. But all this to say, I really do enjoy travelling, I finally understood why those hippie sorts of people spend their entire lives travelling, I used to think oh it must get so tiring and so boring so fast, wouldnt you want to just sit down and chill? but you can! you can sit down and chill underneath a blanket of stars, or sit by a warm fire, and just look out into the distant deserts of morocco. I really enjoy travelling and I hope to do a lot more this next year.

Something else i took up in the last two years is bouldering, its a hobby that i genuinely enjoy, I've been climbing for two years, on and off, (maybe like 6 months total where i didnt climb so technically one and a half years) but its what inspired me to then go outdoor bouldering with puru armaan and yossi which was a fun trip, though it was humbling how difficult it is! currently I can climb v4-v5 indoors but i could barely only climb V0+ outdoors, which is like beginner grading, which is pathetic 😭 hopefully next time will be better.

I'm not really here to say much else, If i think of something Ill post again soon, but its 8 am and ive stayed up all night to watch LE SSERAFIM's comeback "CRAZY" which is really fucking good. Thats another thing I've done in the last two years, is gone back to my kpop roots cept this time i have the disposable income to irresponsibly spend money on merch and albums for LE SSERAFIM. the music and obsession as a hobby has really helped though, it gets me through the hard times seeing the behind the scenes and watching the live streams and hearing them talk about their lives. Bias is Miyawaki Sakura since I already kinda was biased for her in IZONE when she streamed gaming content on youtube and made videos for gaming.

I would say to end this post that LE SSERAFIM and Bouldering funnily enough have saved me, in the last two years. Two years ago i was hurt fairly badly by people who i thought i was close to, though perhaps i never was since its an online friendship, how close can a online friendship be? obviously an online friendship can be very close, but it depends alot, and it seems perhaps this was not one of those times. I dont recall if i ever actually outlined what happened from my point of view as a record, so maybe ill do that. haha i always say ill write these things and never get round to doing it. it does help somewhat though, clear my thoughts by writing in this blog, so i really should do it more often, maybe now im more mentally well ill do it???? who knows. we shall see in the next one.

I shall leave with le sserafims latest song that got released 4 hours ago, which is the cuntiest thing i have heard in a while, and will defo be a bop to remember, and so future andrew!! relearn your roots!!! go back to listening to le sserafim and rest up!!!

[pupuyvs]

THECCHI HERE AND I JUST REREAD GOAL and all the other asks

the others really depict chaewon so good i'm jealous BUT ANYWAYS I ANALYZED IT AGAIN

them being the trope of "i choose you but i can't in this circumstance" hurts more than jihye knowing she was inferior to chaewon already

fr, i think any lovers would choose to be hurt by circumstance than know that your partner feels inferior to you and the fact that they're private and yeonjun is rich and him and chaewon is out to the public, that rubbed the salt to jihye's wound

I AM SO MAD THAT I ALSO THOUGHT OF CHAEWONS POST THE ONE THAT "In every resolution there's you" BUT NOT "In every solution there's got to be you"

when i think of wednesday addams, i sometimes think of chae too like ig. when they like a person, they like them but not to extent they need them, i think for chae, jihye is a new experience for her and she gotta learn more but she don't want to learn better like really knowing jihye, because if she would maybe jihye wouldn't break down and talk about their relationship (if that makes sense T-T)

the two really shows how its hard to be with someone where you didn't grow at the same page, not the same meals, not the same experiences and then you gotta grow on the person because how else you going to face this world if you don't

i never really looked deep into chaewons fg but thinking about it now, that where her character came from but shes scared to admit that because shes chaewon, it supposed to be follow her lead cause shes the hbic

meanwhile jihye just follows chaewon cause yeah because of her nature. growing up with a sister is HARD like damn bro why

AND LIKE WE SEE THAT JIHYE GETS BABIED so ye, i think thats why shes submissive to chae. not only that but the way shes really so aware of their differences but didn't dare to comment on it cause she knows chae would combust

it feels like she really wants to read chae to not hurt her thats why she kept on postponing on telling chaewon about her going away for college. just when she thinks she was protecting her she just hurt her and now she wishes they didn't met because she's thinking "why did i hurt her" every single day

because of that thought jihye wanted to talk to chae but chae was so mad at jihye cause she thought she was gonna leave her all alone by herself because then again, her fg is messed up, they're only there because of a deal

and with jihyes fg they are so onto each other they like fam but fam has secrets but bestfriends don't that why jihye told yujin about yena LIKE THERES NO OTHER WAY BRO

for now i think, the side people is what makes jichae, they can't choose for themselves then but they will now

they would think of all possibilities to be better but they would have times when they would think "who am i without them" but then they remember the circumstances so they just gotta live on

i agree with jihye being a new experience for chaewon shes never experienced someone this kind and loving before even the people around jihye are a new experience

i like that u said side ppl decide jichae cause at the end of the day all of us may want sumn but if someone around us say sumn negative suddenly we’ll second guess everything which could be a big problem but thats why its up to chaewon specifically to be ok with people not agreeing with her choice in love for her to finally be happy