#I genuinely think something's wrong with me because WHY CAN'T I STUDY LIKE A FUCKING NORMAL PERSON

[radioisntdead]

listening to ASMR again, WHY DO THEY KEEP KILLING OFF MY FAMILY??? WHAT DID THEY DO?? THEY COULD BE ALIVE? THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE PLOT YOU JUST KILLED THEM OFF FOR FUN???

[l13]

bitter

dunno what brought this on but reader has good taste;P also let's pretend that lyla is team reader x miguel for plot reasons

word count: 2.3k

WARNINGS: NSFW 18+, MDNI, f!reader, ex!miguel, aged up bf!hobie<3, miguel has some v descriptive sexual thoughts about you (p in v sex, f!receiving oral), swearing, jealousy, ANGSTTT

English is not my first language so I apologize in advance for any misspells, errors or grammatically incorrect sentences.

Miguel often thinks about how he ended up giving in to his desires and starting a situationship with you, how he regrets it when he can tell how you've fallen for him. How your eyes crinkle when you smile at him, looking at him like he hung the moon. He regrets it because that's how he looks at you as well.

Why’d you have to ask him on that stupid date?

“That’d be unprofessional.” is what Miguel had said in reply. Because it was the truth. You were only fucking, nothing more.

You’d scoffed, “Oh come on, Miguel, we’re not office workers. Surely we can go out together?”

“What, fucking me ain’t enough for you?”

You'd huffed, your expression dull, shaking your head in disbelief, “No, actually, it isn’t. I genuinely like you, is that so bad?”

Miguel had ignored the flip his stomach did at your confession “You know why we can’t, now drop it.”

“No, I want you to tell me why.”

“It’s not in the canon” He cringes every time he remembers what he’d said, but it doesn’t change the fact that he was right. He was, but fuck, how he wanted to be wrong. He so desperately wanted it to be him that you were meant to fall in love with, him you were meant to build a life together.

“Fuck the canon.” had been your reply, before you turned to walk away and he'd made no move to follow you.

He'd failed to ignore Lyla when she'd whistled, “That was painful even for me,”

“Jesus- can you not?”

“Yeah, yeah, I know, can't interrupt your brooding time. I'm just saying. You prevented the woman of your dreams from falling in love with you, because she's meant to fall for someone else? But that's stupid- Your heart literally jumps when you see her-”

“Lyla I swear to God, if you don't stop talking-”

And now, as he stands in front of your house months later, waiting for you to answer the door, Miguel found himself to be annoyed. Annoyed that he hadn't gotten your mission report on time, and had to come and fetch it for himself.

Some sick, twisted part of his brain wanted you to have forgotten it on purpose, and ignored his calls in order for him to come over, maybe reconcile- fuck your brains out till you're begging him to take you back, even if it meant putting your feelings aside.

“She better be home,” Miguel hisses to himself, his hand massaging his temples, and he doesn't even flinch when Lyla shows up out of nowhere “Oh, she is. The thermal scan picks her up, see? Wait who’s-”

Miguel was thankful for the interruption, but what he saw when you opened the door was not at all what he expected, or was even prepared for.

You were practically naked, an oversized t-shirt covering your body, stopping just under your ass and- Jesus Christ were those thigh highs? Yes they were, pretty ones, too. They were sheer white tights, that ended just in the middle of your plush thighs, the material hugging your legs beautifully, the very top of them decorated with a lace material, giving them a sexy twist.

God, he'd get on his knees right here and now if you just asked-Miguel licked his lips and cleared his throat, quickly averting his gaze, praying that he doesn't appear flustered.

“Miguel! Are you okay? Is something wrong? Hey Lyla-” you seem out of breath as you talk, clearly not bothered by your lack of clothing in front of him. Lyla offers you a bright hello and wave, one you softly smile at.

No, he's not fucking okay.

“I'm great.” he hisses, but really he was trying to convince himself of it. You study him for a bit longer before humming, not believing him for a moment.

“I need the report from the mission that you were sent to do yesterday. The one you forgot to send me.” Miguel inhales sharply and stands taller, trying to hide the fact that your presence damages his brain functionality severely, by trying to look more intimidating.

Memories of last night flash in your mind suddenly, being pressed against your bookshelf, the furniture rattling loudly, books almost toppling to the floor, but you didn’t have the heart in you to care. Not when he was grinding up at you, hand under your thigh to keep you upright as you moaned against his mouth crossing your legs around his waist and bringing him closer, the sound of your watch beeping pulling you out of your trance, “Fuck, wait. T-the reports-”

He undid your watch expertly with one hand, and you gasped trying to snatch it from his grasp, but he held it up above your head, placing it on top of your bookshelf carelessly, before grabbing the top shelf to brace himself and grind himself harder against you, moaning under his breath, “Fuck ‘em.”

Your eyes widen comically, and you sputter, “Right! Shit- fuck. I'm sorry, umm, wait here.” and you slam the door right in his face. Miguel's eyebrow twitches.

There's shuffling from inside before Miguel realizes that you're talking to someone-

“Can you go in five minutes? Please?”

“Nah, ‘m afraid I need to go right now, love. Got things to do, places to be.”

“Can't you open up a portal here?”

“When there’s a perfectly usable front door? I don’ think so,” “C’mon pretty.. what are y’so afraid of?”

“He’s our boss.”

“He’s your ex. Now, if you’re ashamed to be seen with me, I get it-”

“No! Baby, no. I just don’t want to rub it in his face, don't want him to think that I am either,”

“But that’s so boring. Let’s make ‘im suffer, you’ll thank me later-”

“Hob-”

The door opens suddenly and Miguel could act surprised, could act like he’s been waiting for quite a while not knowing what’s going on inside, but he doesn’t. Not when he’s face to face with Hobie. Not when he obviously knows how good Miguel’s hearing is, how he could definitely hear every word that was spoken, not when you’d tried to be nice- tried to whisper and be subtle, not when Hobie blatantly did the opposite out of spite.

So he just stares ahead with a blank face, as Hobie leans against the wall, crossing his arms over his chest lazily. There’s a hickey on his neck and Miguel feels like he might throw up.

And somehow, Miguel still thinks that this is all some sick joke, a prank, a dream. Anything to explain what he's seeing. Because there’s no way you're dating Hobie. There’s no way you fucked Hobie fucking Brown- the single most annoying person in Miguel’s life (after peter, of course). And after what, only eight months after you stopped seeing him? That's how long it took for you to get over him? He can almost hear Lyla laughing in his head, 'You're just bitter that you're not over her yet'

Hobie smirks at him “Hello mate, long time no see.” Miguel at least has the human decency to offer him a curt nod, which Hobie apparently finds hilarious as he huffs out a laugh, “'S alright if I send my report later, right? I'm kind of exhausted right now, did a lot of runnin' yesterday, y'know,”

Lyla visibly winces and disappears a second later.

Running. Miguel needed breathing exercises and he needed them now-

Miguel's eyes snapped to yours. Were you just gonna let Hobie talk all that shit, without saying anything? (Knowing Hobie's life was in imminent danger?) Apparently so, because you just scoffed and rolled your eyes with a smile on your face. What a great couple you two made.

He refused to believe that this is who you chose, refused to acknowledge that his anger was pointed at himself and not you. He’d never, ever, admit it, not even at gunpoint, but Hobie was a good kid, he’d treat you right and that's what pissed him off the most.

“Fuck the canon.” Hobie would have laughed and nodded in agreement at your words, not Miguel though. Miguel had said nothing and it had cost him his future with you.

Sensing that Miguel wouldn’t reply anytime soon, Hobie just shrugged nonchalantly, “Thanks for understanding, boss.”

Miguel felt like he could hear his own veins pulsing. Boss, he'd called him boss. That little-

Turning to you, Hobie throws a hand around your waist and squeezes you against him, pressing a kiss on your cheek “I'll see you later love, don' forget to put some ice on that, yeah?” he lays a slap on your ass that makes you almost tumble forward, and Hobie's smirk widens when he sees Miguel ball his fists at his sides, nostrils flaring. Hobie throws a wink at Miguel before squeezing through him to walk out, seeing as Miguel didn't make any attempt to get out of the way.

Miguel doesn't turn to see him open up a portal to leave, he's too busy looking at the way the multi-colored lights illuminate your face, how you grin and wave shyly at your boyfriend.

“So sorry about him.. d'you wanna come in?” you ask, shifting from one leg to another once the portal disappears. Miguel just stares at you, eyes hooded, mouth pressed in a tight line.

“Ookay, I’ll just go get the- yeah” you trail off and turn to walk deeper into your apartment, and Miguel hates himself for craning his neck to catch a glimpse of your ass. And then hates himself even more when he thinks about how smug Hobie would be if he knew Miguel was checking out his girl. He'd say some dumb shit like "Wanting somethin' you can't have again, boss?"

Meanwhile, you're standing on your tippy-toes in front of your infamous bookshelf, arm outstretched, trying to grab your watch but to no use, cursing Hobie in your mind for putting it so high up. You had no idea that by trying to get your stupid watch, you were giving Miguel the perfect view of your backside, seeing as your shirt rode up each time you stretched out your arm.

No, fuck that. You knew exactly what you were doing, and Hobie was right. Let him suffer. He chose this, so now he can deal with the consequences.

Miguel wanted to give everything up right then and there. It's funny how quickly you could strip him of his morals, and he just wishes he could have done that before realizing he'd lost you forever. He could picture his future in his mind so clearly, if only he'd just said yes to your question.

“Will you go out with me?"

He’d resign, move out some place nice, next to a beach preferably. Spend his days laying on the sand and drinking piña coladas with no care in the world.

Except you’d be there. Straddling his lap to steal his drink, giggling and laughing when he tried to take it back from you. He’d grab your hips and with a swift motion you'd switch places, your back against the hot sand. The drink would spill from the movement, the liquid falling over your bikini covered tits, and you’d gasp oh-so prettily when he’d bend to lick it all up.

You’d moan even sweeter when he’d move lower, when he’d eat you out till you’re a crying, babbling mess, whining that you can’t take it anymore. Oh, but you could. You would take it, and he’d prove it when he’d later fuck you against the pool, and he’d make sure he fucked you good. Your mewls would be panted against his ear as he’d thrust into you relentlessly, your fingers digging into his wet back, and all he’d taste would be your pretty moans and the faint taste of rum against his tongue.

His cheeks would hurt from how hard he'd be grinning as he stared at you when you both would go for a walk by the beach later. He'd jog up to you, springing you in his arms, nuzzling his head against your hair- your distinctive smell fogging up his brain- your laughter mixing together, as you chased each other through the waves.

When you'd had enough, and stood panting, your -now wet- dress clinging to you like second skin, he'd drop to his knee, pulling out a ring from his pocket, one he was anxious not to drop when he was chasing you around, and you'd gape at him, tears already welling up in your eyes.

You would have said yes that night. In fact, the word would have been repeated against his shoulder as he fucked you later, rolling his hips into you slowly, kissing your pretty tears, holding you, loving you–

“Done! I just sent it–,” you could have sworn you and Miguel shivered at the same time when he blinked down at you, his mouth parted. His eyes were glistening all of a sudden, and it made your whole being fill with a sense of longing and dread.

“Lyla?” you swallowed harshly at Miguel's hoarse tone, gnawing at your lip as you avoided his gaze.

It was as if Lyla knew not to fuck with him either, because she didn't even make him beg for it, instead pulling up a hologram that showed the report, “Yup, got it!”

You cleared your throat, eager to get back into bed and forget the look on his face just now, suddenly feeling nostalgic for a memory you couldn't quite place- “I'm sorry that I forgot, it won’t happen again, promise.”

Yes it will.

“See you back at HQ?”

Miguel hums, not saying anything, not even caring to correct you, because he’d sooner see you in his dreams than at headquarters.

2023 © l13 | Do not steal, copy, edit, translate or re-post any of my works.

[celestie0]

MASSIVE gojo x reader fanfic rec (no spoilers)

ok i know a lot of my followers are gojo girlies and i just need to put yall onto this fucking fanfiction because i just read the latest release for it and i’m genuinely tweaking rn🧍🏻‍♀️

@lostfracturess ‘s amazing work called “symptoms & causes” - a medical au

[image pulled from her masterlist]

let me just…let me just try to even gather the reasons why you need to add this to your tbr lists (weekend is comin up too so perfect time)

characterization of gojo satoru.

gojo in this fic is characterized so fucking well, from chapter one. there are so many distinctive ways miss lostfractures goes about building his aura (word of mouth/reputation, dialogue, expository, primary interactions, secondary interactions, etc.) it reminds me of the show where gojo just has this energy to him that you can't tear yourself away from i picture him in this fic to be unrelenting, unforgiving, morally grey, with an undertone of softness yet still feral through it all,, basically gojo during shibuya arc LOL. i looove reading cute silly boy gojo fics sm (he’s so baby) but THIS fic explores the borderline wicked side of him that is so thrilling, unique, and rare to find i think in this fandom’s collection of works. it’s just so fucking good.

forbidden romance.

UGGHH i love stories w forbidden romance. in this one, it’s med student reader x professor gojo (additional power dynamics in that he’s a senior surgeon in her field and also a research mentor in her study of interest…TRIPLE THREAT DAMN). i love how miss lostfractures doesn’t shy away from reminding the reader that it’s wrong, and that they shouldn’t be doing this. that’s my fave part of forbidden romances like yesss remind me again why this is all so wrong but let’s still do it anyways LOL <333

reader’s voice.

i’ve LOVED reader since the beginning, so relatable, emotionally mature, all her flaws are so believable & her strengths are shown seamlessly. it’s just so much fun to read because i’ll literally have a thought like “hmm…that (something a character said/did) doesn’t sound very convincing” and then the next line will be something like “he didn’t sound very convincing” like!!! me and s&c reader?? we’re locked in like this fr🤞🏼 like gojo’s domain expansion fingers

escapism.

everything in this story feels so damn real it’s insane. the pacing is stunning, love the utilization of stacks of scenes that are sort of short but so concise, enough to be a smooth read but still descriptive enough to entirely transport you into the world that’s being built. cannot praise the writing in this story enough. also the variety of ways that scenarios are made that pull characters closer to one another?? so creative. as someone who works in a research lab, studied bio in college (some of the fkn biochem stuff that comes up in this fic gives me heart attacks lmfaooo pls im traumatized), and has worked in clinics/hospitals it just itches my brain so damn good. you’ll be convinced you’re a brilliant med student while you read this fic.

writing.

the writing is just. so. good. it’s so good. better than most PUBLISHED works i’ve read. i really can't say much other than that, you just have to go see for yourself.

—

if any of these reasons speak to you, i highly recommend you check the fic out. just a note tho it does have some dark themes but you can find all the tags/warnings on her page!

OK BYE

[dr-spectre]

Thinking about the man who married Hatsune Miku, Akihiko Kondo. Like... it's kinda crazy that a fictional character can be SOOOO important to a person's life that they decide to marry them and spend the rest of their life to honour this fictional creation. Hatsune Miku isn't real, but that doesn't matter to that man, and I can't help but not only feel sorry but also respect this man to some degree.

This man grew up with negative experiences surrounding women and showed genuine interest in wanting to start a relationship. But he was always turned down and rejected and mocked. It's so incredibly sad to me that this man's only option was to fall in love with a fictional character because real-life human beings didn't give him any sort of respect or companionship... he turned to something that could never be real, but at least it gave him respect, warmth, kindness, empathy, love....

I've been thinking a lot about how people desire comfort and love from another person. Humans NEED social connections and interactions. Otherwise, we literally go insane and there's so many studies and experiments that prove it.

But... sometimes, for some people, friendship isn't enough, family love isn't enough, some people NEED that romantic connection, and not having it feels like you're going crazy... and I know that feeling... never had a girlfriend, and I'm 20 years old, I'm surrounded by people who have partners and online I see happy couples EVERYWHERE!!!! It makes me feel this deep jealousy and anger... especially towards myself because I think, "I must be doing something wrong... I'm unlovable..."

I know people love to say "oh being single is great!" Yeah it's so great when you have the strong desire to wanna feel touch and love because no one in your life gives you any and you've never held a girl's hand, went on a date, kissed, had sex, nothing. So great!! (Sarcasm)

Although, personally, i would never marry a fictional character, I understand why someone would. I understand why people would develop sexual attraction to only fictional characters and not real people. (People with Fictosexuality)

Moral of the story, lots of people are fucking lonely and are desperate for romantic affection that they will resort to falling in love with non-living things. There's nothing truly wrong with it. People have different ways to fulfil holes in their lives and pursue happiness in a unique way.

[oh-allie]

shakespeare and swooning

alhaitham x g/n reader

synopsis; you read one shakespeare play and now you want to impress your "buddy" alhaitham with your newfound knowledge !! what could go wrong?

fluff, g/n reader, TOTAL CRACKFIC, OOC alhaitham, SWEARING, kind of a modern au ???? i mention "ringing tighnari" but that could just be imagined as using the akasha terminal !!!! didnt write this with a modern au in mind

warning ‼️ PLEASE dont expect this to be accurate, if youre a big classic literature fan then dont attack me for not being a NERD ☹️ just imagine a poser using their fancy words (because they think its cool)

you know how libraries are supposed to be a place of study and tranquility? no the fuck you don't, or at least you don't care, because running through the house of daena with shakespeares, "romeo and juliet," in your hands is NOT very tranquil.

multiple poor akademiya students look at you, PISSED OFF because your shoes are going clu-clonk on the marble floors, which wouldn't be an issue if you weren't scurrying through the library.

is that kaveh ?? he's giving you the same look he gives alhaitham every day ..

... but this is IMPORTANT !! you're on a MISSION right now !! you just finished reading the first act of "romeo and juliet," and you're convinced your brain has expanded tenfold in size.

you're now rushing to your good pal haitham to share your knowledge! how kind and gracious!

you're stopped before his house, you've known him for long enough and gotten close enough for him to let you come in whenever. you know kaveh isn't home, and haitham would never purposefully work overtime, so you're certain you can get his attention and show off in peace.

why are you so adamant about showing off to alhaitham? is it REALLY showing off, or are you trying to, heehee, impress him?? its too late to be flustered at this thought because you already unlocked the door with the spare key kaveh leaves behind one of haithams ugly ass decorative plants and you've taken off your shoes and oh god hes right there and the sunlight from the door is lighting up his face in that way that only happens to him and hes looking at you with a suprised, slightly annoyed, but incredibly fond look and oh no what was your plan again?

"greetings, alhaitham! ☝️🤓" you say, finding a surge of confidence remembering the story you read.

"... hey. what are you doing here?" his response is quick but before you respond he continues, "did you just say greetings?"

"indubidibdibdly! hath you be surprised?" you pretentious hipster. you think youre SO cool, but unfortunately your little crush doesn't seem very impressed either.

"okay, what are you doing? you're being weird." he's not even looking at you, and he's back in his chair before you can rush over and sit on the couch. "is something wrong? should i get tighnari to give you a checkup?"

you'd be touched by the care of the suggestion if he wasn't so cheeky in his tone.

"wha, what, no?! no what the hell- stop ringing tighnari."

"are thou o'er wrought with admiration?" you grin, somehow still under the impression that you sound cool.

he gives an eyebrow raise to that. not bothering to mark his place in his book, he stands up.

"i lie testy in why you act so unpregnant, my dear."

"what"

HUH ? what did bro just say ? testy ???? unpregnant ?? MY DEAR ??? backtrack again, UN-WHAT ??

"be still my beating heart, thou hast taken mine with absolute cunning." is he making fun of you i genuinely can't tell ... its like hes speaking in moon runes right now.

"haitham, heheh, WHAT are you DOING ??" you can't help but laugh at his funny little words, magic man. even if you're clueless to what he just said to you.

"whatever doth thou mean?" he's totally making fun of you !! after ALL your effort to impress him too?

"well, usually i do all the ranting and you sit pretty and listen, so it's weird that you're talking so much, especially like THAT?" fym sit pretty ....

"when words are scarce they are seldom spent in vain." that sounds familiar, but you can't think about it longer before he continues, "shall i compare thee to a summers day?"

"ALRIGHT, i recognize that one, dummy." you laugh, "were you really not impressed by me?" you whisper, the rush of embarrassment you shouldve felt in that library is finally catching up with you.

he stares at you for a second. you just wish you could find out what hes thinking up there, if you could even understand it.

and then he lets you into his mind, with a simple "i love you." as if alhaitham, renowned scribe of the akademiya, top student, couldn't find the words to describe how he felt for you.

or maybe that was what he felt for you. he loved you.

"... you called me unpregnant."

a/n; i read romeo and juliet like... 3 years ago.... so.. uam... 😇😇 totally accurate! hope this crackfic style of writing isnt too niche so this doesnt flop because EMBARRASSING....... do people even like al haitham anymore like guys lets go back to the good old days before the FRENCH came in..... (this is just me projecting cause i havent played genshin in a while and i still lovelove sumeru)

[kurain-genealogy]

i said i was gonna post about it and i am. i don't think william afton hates his kids. i don't think william afton is a mad scientist that kidnapped and put children in hallucinogenic gas chambers. whatever the fuck dittophobia said about afton doing all that, plus not stopping/furthering the bullying between michael and cc, is just dumb & wrong. william wanting his kids to fight, even die, is comically evil in the "bad writing" way. him being characterized as someone who experiments on children (including his own with no regard for their lives) in order to achieve immortality or whatever his supposed motivation is, is just really... nothing? as a character there is nothing to make him feel real. in an attempt to flesh out this character, they made him into a cartoon villain with "evil" being his only defining trait. whatever, i could talk for so long about how dumb i think all the dittophobia stuff is but i think most ppl on tumblr are on the same page regarding that.

to me, william afton is best characterized as someone who, at the Very Least, Doesn't Want His Own Children To Die. he can be a shitty father all around, or he can be a genuine loving father who is also a serial killer, as long as he Cares if they Die? most of what makes william afton an interesting villain, and where a lot of people interpret his motivation comes from, is how despite all his best efforts, he cannot prevent the death or downfall of his own family. he is in a tragedy of his own making, a self-imposed hell crafted by his hubris and violence. if you take this away, why should i care what happens to him? william afton was scariest when he was just purple guy and we knew nothing. william afton is most interesting when we have all these relationships and dynamics where we can seriously study and speculate the circumstances behind/around his actions, when he has something to lose (and will lose). william afton is most stale when more things are added to his story without purpose, filling in gaps that were better unfilled or we didn't even know were there – anything after UCN, basically. bro isn't scary anymore because he's either peepaw afton who's brought back despite his story being over, or he's cartoon network's newest over-the-top villian that you can't take seriously.

okay anyway. ANYWAY. william doesn't hate his kids. even if he's a shitty father, i think he still loves his kids. why else would he try and scare his kids away from the robots if he didn't want them to die? why would he design circus baby after his daughter if he didn't care for her, adore her, even? if you believe the theory that he talked to cc through the fredbear plush (idr if that's actually canon), why would he be trying to protect/comfort him?

i don't think he's a perfect, or even a good father, by any means. if you interpret him to be on the better side, that's great and fine. i'd love to hear how other people interpret/characterize afton if you wanna share! continuing on for this post, i'm going to lay out how i personally see william afton.

to me, he is someone who is very concerned and preoccupied with his image and how others view him & his family. even if he's super shitty and awful towards his kids, he at least cares that they all look good as a family unit, that they're well behaved, that he can send family portrait holiday cards to all his business partners and investors.

he strikes me very much as the typical authoritarian parent of the 80s. harsher on his sons because "men don't cry," wants his kids to say "yes, sir," and "no, sir," believes in "tough love," often says "my house, my rules," he has the final say in everything, maybe thinks hitting them from time to time is a normal, necessary punishment. not all entirely malicious, but thinks he's doing what's best, what's right, acting like a parent and father Should act, perhaps how he himself was raised. unfortunately, a very common parental mindset (even outside of serial killers). maybe he was a little scarier sometimes though, a little more unhinged or violently angry. who's to say.

but he's still just a guy who could exist in real life. he still eats dinner with his family every night, hangs his kids' drawings on the fridge, had to turn the car around because they wouldn't stop fighting in the backseat, attended awkward parent-teacher conferences, everything. he was once a new father who happily came home with his first newborn, lost countless nights of sleep over the course of two more, loves them because they're his.

meticulously and senselessly killed children, then came home and tucked his own into bed and kissed them goodnight.

he can be abusive and still love his kids. he can be a murderer and still care for his own kids' lives. maybe the loss of his own kids is what triggered his actions, or maybe it was something else. i'm fine with not knowing because we don't need to know everything, and it's more interesting when we don't.

Something Is Seriously Wrong With This Guy And We Don't Know What or Why. when acquaintances find out he's a suspected murderer, it should be shocking and upsetting. he's such a great man and father, he wouldn't murder those kids! when michael discovers his father's crimes, he should be in denial. sure, he could be scary sometimes, but he wouldn't kill anyone... right? there's a great cognitive dissonance between who he appears to be and who he actually is.

whether william descended into grief-induced madness and obsession, or was just always some kind of freak, or both, i don't think he saw his own family as disposable. even if he didn't truly love them, he at least needed to keep up his own facade as a friendly family man. personally i like to see him as someone who was a shitty father but still loved his kids, because people like that exist, and it makes him a much more interesting, realistic, and nuanced character than if he just didn't care about them At All.

[wanderingblindly]

do you ever read a fic that's so good you wonder why you even bother writing cause it will never be as good as what you just read? cause - and i mean this in the bestest most complimentary way possible - that's how i feel after reading october birds (truly genuinely you are so! so! talented!!!)

but i was just wondering if, as a writer, this is something you've ever felt and - if so - how you motivate yourself to keep writing

Oh my god YEAH I get writer envy all the fucking time -- it's par for the course when you're writing in a space with such an abundance of talent. Every writer I've talked to on here has talked about feeling the same thing at some point, too.

You are so so so far from alone. In fact, I'd go so far as to say it's one of the most unifying experiences besides writer's block lol

There are a few ways I deal with this, though none of this advice is even remotely original:

What makes a story impactful isn't just the words

Sometimes I get writer envy on a level of like, feeling jealous over someone's eloquence, their word choice, the sort of maturity and polished-ness they get into their fics. And that's fair! Everyone wants to improve, everyone has styles and pieces they idolize and study from.

But when it comes to getting back into my own ideas, I remind myself that what makes a story isn't just the technicalities. The most beautifully executed novel could still fail to hold my attention if the idea isn't gripping. Hundreds of thousands of words of gorgeous prose and scenery doesn't mean anything to me, personally, if it doesn't make me feel.

What makes your writing special is the fact that you -- with all your unique experiences and perspective -- wrote it. You took the idea and made it your own, and no other person could do it exactly like you did. And that matters! The way you feel emotions, how you choose to show the world to the reader, that matters! You could hand a hundred authors the same outline, and no one would create the same story because none of them have lived the same life, and that's wonderful! All of that, the intangible bits, matters just as much as someone's artfully crafted a sentence -- so never forget that.

It's cruel to use others to belittle yourself

This doesn't just apply to writing, but I have to remind myself that using others to put myself down is, in a way, assuming things about them. Why have I decided that this other author, someone who's writing for fun and love, would look at me and say that they're better? That my writing isn't worth pursuing? Why would I put something so awful on another person who's only ever put good into fandom?

Similarly, why have I decided that the people who read, enjoy, and connect to my writing are, what? Devoid of taste? Dull? Wrong? Jesus, what the fuck have they done for me to think that about people who have only ever been kind?

As dumb as it sounds, I have to reverse bully myself to stop the negative trains of thought. I would never want to make someone out to be cruel in my head, and that means I can't decide my writing isn't worth something by using other people as a scapegoat.

Writing is a progressive skill

Sometimes when I'm struck particularly badly, I go read my old work. Frankly, I don't love a lot of my old stuff in terms of execution -- I always think that I could do it better now. But I love my old work for what it tried to be; I love my old ideas, I love my old characters, I love my old effort and care.

And as I look back at it, I know that if past-Liquid could read my current stuff, they'd be astonished to know they'd get there one day. My writing still isn't perfect, I'm constantly hitting my head up against the limits of my current skill set, but that's the POINT!

Every fic I've ever tried writing has been a step closer to becoming the writer I want to be. Every idea I attempt, even if it seems too difficult at the time to really nail, gives me the experience to do it better one day.

The author you're envious of right now, they had their own journey, too. Maybe they hit the ground running a little faster than you, or maybe they've been writing since before you could even read! You have no way of knowing!!!! All you can do is think about the fact that every time you get knee-deep in your own docs, you're getting better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You're getting closer to becoming your own writer envy :)

[elis-blawg222]

November 8 - Friday

Whew! Caught up at last!! (took me long enough)

Today was actually pretty good. I called Angel before school which made me really happy!! (I love him sm ill sob rn actually). My class wasn't toooo bad. The teacher talked sooo much ugh, but I drew the whole time so it was fine. I made my oc thinnn n pretty, love him. Also we had to go around the room and talk to people for like 30 minutes. 30. (did yk you have 30 minutes??)

It was so nerve wracking, especially because I was unprepared lol. I bet I looked like such a total weirdo with the lack of eye contact I was making, but at the time I was just trying not to break a nervous sweat LMAO.

Then, after my class I went to the library (on call w/Ange) and did an assignment. I went home afterwards because my phone was gonna die, and I needed my charger.

After a bit at home, I went to my next class, and I had a test in this one. It went good I think! We studied beforehand which I'm really grateful for.

We had a break in this class, so I went to walk around for a minute, and during this my mom texted me with:

"Eli

What did u eat today"

...

nothing. So, I said "I had some chicken nuggetss after my class hehe"

to which she responded "No fries no pop. How many nuggets"

GURL. So i was like "I did get some fries lol? and i got 10 why?"

and she just CONVENIENTLY NEVER RESPONDED. UGH.

(but wait theres more.)

After my class ended I went home and got ready for work. I was otp w/Angel (because seriously when am I not?) and he was playing minecraft. It was so peaceful and entertaining to watch and listen to him play- I loved every bit of it. Then, we talked about how we should play together (I ltrly will do anything to idc).

Work was actually ehh, not toooo bad. My dad and friend and her mom stopped by which was nice, and also my hairdresser LOL. They both tipped really well (obviously my dad did but yk).

I went home after what felt like one billion years, I was so so so happy. When I got home I just said a few things about my day like I usually do, and made sure to slip in the fact that I got a free meal at work. Which isn't wrong, I did, but I didn't get anything. I actually am just gonna let my friend get something tomorrow. but they don't have to know all that shhhhhhhh.

Then my mom stopped in front of me and was like what did you eat? and so i repeated myself bc no one listens to me <3

(I told her fried chicken tenders, fries, mac and cheese for context, a very 'me' meal tbh or at least it was)

Then, she was like "how many chicken tenders?" "no drink?" "did you finish it? all of it?" "so then you ate 2 full meals today?"

oh. my god. like. genuinely.

why. is. she. interrogating. me. pls. fucking. leave. me. alone. IM GENUINELY MORTIFIED AND HONESTLY IM SO AGGRIVATED. LET ME STARVE IN PEACE HOLY FUCK.

I tried to act like a normal person and be like ??? why are you interrogating me? BC WHY ARE YOU (as if I'm not literally starving myself)

She was just like "because I need to make sure you're getting nutrients." ok girl.

Then, I went to my room and she went to bed. I cleaned my room a bit and did a homework assignment, so I'm pretty proud of myself.

Also if you couldn't tell by now I fasted today. I was gonna either 48 hr fast or do 2 24 hr fasts back to back, but I think I'm just gonna do around 36 hrs. I wanna eat in front of my mom tomorrow so maybe she'll start leaving me alone (I seriously doubt it).

It just gets really frustrating when every meal I have she thinks isn't enough, even when I'm genuinely full. I can't eat like I used to like I physically cannot, she has to get that.

Anywho, I was thinking of making some cucumber boats tomorrow, I think it'll be fun.

Total Steps: 6.7k

Look at me meeting my step goal for once. I'm gonna start really making an effort at meeting it!

'Til tomorrow :)

(P.S. actually getting activity on these makes me so nervous but haiii)

[limetameta]

One thing that's stopping me from writing any human beastnoch au is that I can't figure out what to call the search and rescue Beast like if anyone has any ideas to help me what the Good Human Beast name configuration is I'd really be grateful

I DO know that everyone calls him Beast because they can't pronounce his surname (Beštić) , nicknamed Beštija (meaning beast, monster, wild incomprehensible creature )

His parents are immigrants from Yugoslavia that came to the USA to escape the 90s civil war and began raising a family there. I imagine that they gave their son an American name so it would help w the integration process. Obviously they're from Chicago that's the Yugoslavia capital of the US. Plus i saw how that lake looks like in winter time that's hella fucking cool that's Beast city if I ever saw one. rad as hell.

Childhood weird as hell. This kid was strange and liked communing with nature, fondness for national parks and nature reserves - his parents would take him any chance they got growing up.

Was relentlessly bullied in school for his last name, his odd turns of phrase, (he didn't have an accent on account of his parents begging him to integrate and reap all the benefits of this better new life they gave him) , and just in general he had a thousand yard stare. There's something wrong with this one.

He starts doing drugs in college when he finally goes out of state. I don't know somewhere really forested to study biology or some shit that his parents would be proud of him for doing. Does a hit and run while high on drugs. Guy isn't dead, turns out he's a drunk student from the same college campus as him. His folks wont press charges because the hit and run dude is on enough drugs to kill a horse. That's the only reason why the Beast doesn't go to prison for this. His parents handle it by paying off the dude's parents from pressing charges just in case.

Tho they do pull the Beast back to get clean. Multiple attempts to get clean follow until the Beast just realises he needs to figure out a way to just... not trip his parents radar up.

His parents, near every day he spends w them: We left Yugoslavia to give you a better life and this is how you thank us?? Do you know that you can go to prison forever if they catch you doing drugs or dealing in the States, son? Do you want to hurt us? This is how you thank us? If we stayed in Jugoslavija you'd die in a bombing or a guerilla maneuver. Maybe you'd be shot by sniperists, did you ever think of that?

The Beast just STARING cow eyed through them , thinking: I need to become independent and leave these two forever or else I will genuinely die here. I will kill myself. Or them first and then myself. No. Just myself. Or maybe just my father (as any man with a balkan mother, it's a sick relationship they have) .

Anyway he stays low, plays along, gets his folks to trust him again over time and he decides to go to community college this time because as they love reminding him, they spent AN INORDINATE AMOUNT OF MONEY on his rehab and to cover his crimes up.

Quits community college maybe a year in, doesn't tell his parents, finds a search and rescue course and starts doing that because it seems like his only way out of THIS NIGHTMARE OF A LIFE and they promised IMMEDIATE EMPLOYMENT out of course and he's like GOD I NEED THIS

Is too intense to be bullied in the course. People are like... wary of this dude. They think he's in a gang or something. People in the gang think he's a cop because no gang member acts this weird though which makes getting drugs infinitely difficult for him.

And maybe he doesn't need drugs. Maybe trying to sell his mothers jewellery for drug money was a low he doesn't want to repeat. So he pawns off his fathers watches instead.

That's when they try to stage another intervention. His mother is crying. His father is threatening to kick him out.

The Beast is like THANK FUCK!!! I'm out of here! Don't contact me. I don't need your help. Maybe i would have been better off if you had stayed and died in Yugoslavia and left me an orphan!

Anyway in his rage he does another hit and run accidentally but this time he doesnt run and hes like I AM SO FILLED WITH EMOTIONS I AM GOING TO KILL THIS GUY AND FINALLY GET SOME CONTROL BACK IN MY LIFE.

Turns out its the same guy he ran over that other time. He moved here recently for a job opportunity. He's in the medical field. Oh and... where are his manners.

His name is Enoch.

Beast?? Yeah, he's weirded out by this guy so hard that he like forgets about killing him on impulse and is just like I don't know, man, if you want to grab a beer or something. I'm driving to my SAR post they have me at Kentucky at Mammoth Cave NP

Enoch: You're driving from Chicago to Kentucky in that *points at Beast's car*

The Beast, as any balkan blooded man, defensively: what, you think there's a better car than a golf dvojka? For shame. Not all of us are made out of money.

Enoch, laughing: I'm an EMT , man. My father is still hoping I go back to medical school and become a "proper doctor." Do you need a lot of time to finish a SAR course?

Beast: not particularly. If you're an EMT I think they'll hire you on the spot.

Anyway cut to years down the line and they kill hikers together

Still have no idea what a good name for human Beast would be tho which is like really tripping me up

[personasintro]

ITS ME AGAIN.

2/2

I would like to express my genuine and serious opinion about MH and the relationship between Y/N and JK. Let's start with the fact that this book needs to be reread few times, to understand better the dynamics between the main protagonists. I'm convinced that reading it one time it's NOT enough to understand what's actually happening. MANY and MANY people comment on it about JK seeing Y/N as a fuck buddy at this point, and nothing more. That he will never see her as a potential girlfriend. The first time I have read it, I got really annoyed and frustrated about this slow burn, like many others who write you these annoying asks. I thought that after so many chapters, basically nothing really happened, that he wants her for sex only. HOWEVER, when I started ready it for the second and third time then + read MH JUNGKOOK'S POV, my jaw dropped, because I began seeing and understanding things I never noticed before. My perspective of the situation COMPLETELY CHANGED . Now, I don't know if you study psychology/are interested in it, or if all of this is just a coincidence made up me and my analysing everything habit, but rereading it carefully, we can notice how well, subtle but clear you're trying to portrait the feelings of both of them towards each other. Let me explain it better.

(THIS MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS) Correct me if I'm wrong, but now that my perspective changed, I see MH JK as a guy who basically craves for reciprocated love, cuddles, attention and mostly important, who can't stay single or alone for too long. Not because he's desperate, but because he's a hopeless romantic who likes to give and receive love. The thing is, if in the very beginning I found very annoying his obsession with Kiko, now I think I understand what actually happened. He is attached to her for the good, old memories she brought him. He wants to bring the nice feelings he had back. In which he truly felt loved and understood by someone. But this doesn't mean he needs specifically Kiko. He loves her, is attached to her, but it's not the same as before. Sometimes we want our ex back because we want the good memories with them back and not specifically them now. More specifically, we want their old selves with us because we romanticise the memories a lot, but in reality we don't want to be with the person they are now. Does it make sense?

Why am I so convinced about this? Because of the fuck buddies deal thing. If he truly still loves Kiko and wants nobody else, in his mind NEVER EVER would have blown up the idea of having sex, and more over, REALLY ENJOYING it with his best friend. If someone is THE ONE for you and you're 100% serious about them, you don't act like a freaking husband with your bff. You made very clear his feelings by his actions. His actions and words speak for himself. He's attracted to Y/N right now, mentally and physically. He doesn't have romanticised old memories with her, so this means he's living the moment NOW and the feelings towards her are new. I can't say he's in love yet, because again, if you're in love you don't go to your ex. However, I'm truly convinced that in the last chapters we can absolutely tell he likes her now. Seriously likes her, but still denies it to himself, because he deeply knows that Y/N is his dearest best friend. It would be messy to date her, because this implies ruining the friendship in case something goes wrong and also she is in his main group of friends. Can you imagine breaking up with her and seeing her in your homies circle? And not having her as your beloved best friend anymore ? Hell no. And mostly important, she NEVER explicitly said to him anything about even the slightest possibility to want him a boyfriend. The dude basically automatically suppresses the thoughts about dating her, because unconsciously he knows it's not worthy and that he still receives the love he craves for from Kiko. She's basically the "comfort zone". Why risking to lose it to try dating someone who doesn't guarantee you anything (for now at least) . But objectively speaking, his words and body already behave like they are almost in love. I'm 100% sure that if Y/N confesses now, he would accept right away to date her. He's too whipped for her. Can't say the same about Y/N, who is the less considerate about her own feelings. No, SHE IS, because she overthinks it A LOT, more than him, but she's worse than him in suppressing the feelings for the same reasons. She tries to gaslight herself even when she perfectly knows it , and she literally goes to tue swimming pool.

that's it for now. I have more things, but let's stop here.

-July

HI you again!

This will be nothing new for some readers, especially to those who have been here from the beginning and has read my responses for quite sometime now (you guys can skip this response because you probably know it all by now hehe) ; you're right. I think too that for some people, it might take more reads to understand the little things that are not so obvious. Again, I'm gonna repeat myself but MH is a story where you should read between the lines. Not everything is clear and obvious. There are little easter eggs throughout the story. It causes people trying to get answers directly from me, since they haven't gotten it in the story. But I do not want to spoil anything, I prefer readers knowing the real stuff from the story. Until the story is not finished, I'll keep my mouth shut and enjoy the chaos 😁

I actually did study psychology, had it as a subject in my school and it was my favorite one. I think my writing mirrors me. I do tend to get very deep and analyze certain situations and people. I think that's what's happening in this story as well (and in my other ones too). That's a very good guess you made here!

It is a very interesting take that you have of him and the situations in the story! I cannot confirm nor deny. All I can say is that Jk really did love Kiko. I've seen in my life people that started hooking up with someone else after their break-up. That's how some people cope with it. Or even if they're fine after break-up, mostly men, think of sex a lot. It's a part most of them do not let go. So in this case, I wouldn't exactly say he didn't love her because he came up with the idea of them hooking up. We all know it was way deeper and complicated than this. It's also fine to enjoy the sex with someone that isn't your partner + when you're still heartbroken and love with someone else. He was surprised himself that he truly enjoyed it. But then again, he didn't exactly tell her to have sex. It's something that happened naturally and overtime. It showed off the beginning of their chemistry.

You've made some good points! I truly liked this analyzation (it's one of the best things about writing, to receive long messages/ask with analyzation!!) and I enjoyed reading it very much! I do have to stay neutral though and I hope you understand that 😁 Thank you again for this message/feedback. It was truly fun to read (I did read it the first time when I was on a walk with my dog and I tried not to trip 🫠). I had some cool responses prepared but I forgot them lolol but I think I covered everything I wanted!

Thank you, sending you lots of love and a huge hug, July! 🩵🫶

[my-castles-crumbling]

Anon Advice Asks - February 2nd

@stardippeddreams , @teasiswriter, mocks anon (new), @thestarsshineevenwhenhidden, 6 anon

@stardippeddreams

Hi! Nice to 'meet' you!

I'm so glad things are better better for you overall! It sounds like you're taking a lot better care of yourself.

Honestly, it sounds like maybe when you're ready, it might be good to find a (good) therapist someday to help with the dissociation. But focusing on taking care of yourself right now is completely valid, and I'm so proud of you for doing so!

_________________________________

@teasiswriter

He didn’t try and talk to me after the show! But I have a feeling that something’s going to happen with that friend group… I feel like I have a sense? Like… after I cut them off a few months later, I got a sense that they’d text me or try and talk to me again… and they did

And I got that sense again a couple months after… and they texted me again

and I got that sense again a couple months later (which is now)… and now I’m just… waiting I guess?

Anywayssssss! I’m pretty sure my name is my deadname. I always cringe and feel sick when I hear it (from friends, parents, teachers, etc.) and so I think I’m gonna try and tell everyone about the other name I have (it’s my other first name. I’m not sure if I really like it but it’s better than using my deadname) and… yeah! Wish me luck!

Also I have you have such a lovely day! Goodbyeeeeee

Hi!

I really hope your feeling is wrong, but if it is, I'm here to talk! And as far as names, I wish you all the luck! I'm so glad you feel comfortable asking people to use your other first name, and I hope it goes well! <3

_________________

Mocks Anon

hiiiiiiiiii

I'm tired

and I kinda wanna cry but I'm not sure why

and I have like mocks in less than a month and I'm scared I'm gonna fuck them up, especially maths and physics

and I have so many things I need to do, and others that I want to do, and I don't have the energy or the effort to do anything but my parents wouldn't get it so I have to do stuff like chores and studying but they don't get done well because I genuinely can't

so then I feel even worse and I can't even do things I enjoy to relax since I don't have the energy for that either

and I generally feel like shit and there's so much going on and it won't stop for one goddamn second and I don't know how to deal with it

I want to get tested for mental illness too, but if my parents found out they'd kill me (I'm not kidding, that's a genuine concern.)

so I just have to wait another 3 years before finding out just how fucked up I am and everything's just gonna be getting worse in that time so i don't fucking know

Hi <3

I am so sorry, it sounds like like is super overwhelming right now, and I can understand why. And it also sounds like you're really struggling. I'm so sorry that your parents aren't supportive, that's not fair at all. Do you think you could possibly talk to a guidance counselor at school? That way your parents won't hear about any sort of diagnosis, but maybe they can still work on some strategies with you?

I'm sending you so much love <3

_________________

@thestarsshineevenwhenhidden

You know the worst part?

I'm not even a victim of mental illness.

I haven't gone through enough, had enough trauma to count as one.

just goes to show how weak and dumb I gotta be to get fucked by normal life when so many other people have abusive parents, school stress, other shit and they don't get depressed.

Hi <3

Please don't compare yourself to others. Your feelings are so real and your depression is so real. You don't need to feel guilty about it. Everyone deals with life differently and there aren't 'requirements' or something to show you've gone through enough to deserve depression. Please be nicer to yourself <3

_____________________

6 anon

Hey Cas!! It's 6 anon, so here's an update. When I pass out, I might actually be seizing, so I have a referral to a neurologist, cardiologist, and a GI. I'm going back to school tomorrow, so that means I have to explain all of this to teachers, but I get to see my girlfriend!!! I also changed my name again, and I told my friends, and they started correcting my youth leader when he deadnames me, and that made me really happy. I also got put on 2 more meds, so now im on 8 meds. My dad keeps trying to tell me i have to make up the time with him, but he told me I am old enough to choose if I want to go back and I have an hour long recording of him telling me I'm not allowed to talk to him once I turn 18. MIFA REGIONALS ARE THIS SATURDAY!! And I got the ring master which is also the lead role!!! I have to arrive at the school at 4:30am which sucks but it's ok because I have my friends and my spouses (platonic) so im excited, and when we had our first performance for corrections I got 2 awards and my freshie made me cry because she crocheted me a rose with a note in it. Anyways, love and hugs from 6 anon (only if you're comfortable with it)!

Hi! Im glad that you're going to some more doctors- hopefully they can help figure out how to help you! And I'm so glad to hear about how amazing your friends and girlfriend are.

Honestly, your dad confuses me. I just....yeah.

Ahhh I hope regionals went well! Let me know!!!

And love and hugs to you too <3

[shitty-proendo-blackout-posts]

Could you please explain why you think endo systems are valid? I'm genuinely curious and would like to see your point of view as someone who is on the opposite side of that argument

[I'm mixed on it. I have little information on the topic and would like the thoughts of someone who is pro-endo before I make a decision!]

I'm not the best at wording things so this might not be very coherent, but I'll try my best :)

I'd say the main reason is that I have no place to tell people what's going on inside their head. Or how anything in their mind works. The only person who can know those things for sure is the person themself. A person's lived experiences aren't something to argue about.

I know some people are going to get mad at me for comparing plurality to queerness (because thats a sin for some reason /s), but I find it to be a good analogy. If some guy says that he's gay, who am I to try and debate him on that? Who am I to say that he might be bi or straight and just not realize it yet? I would be an asshole! The way I see it, the same applies to plurality. Who am I to tell someone that they're wrong about their own identity and how they chose to label it? If they end up being wrong, then that's fine! Being wrong is apart of self discovery, after all.

Not to mention, accusing people of lying does more harm than good. And saying that everyone who considers themselves endogenic is actually mistaken and that they secretly have some big trauma? I can't see how that is in any way helpful. Worst case scenario is that the system does have some severe trauma, and went searching for it before they were ready to handle it. Let me just say, that fucks you up.

We also consider ourselves to be mixed origins (trauma definitely played a part in our plurality, but it wasn't the sole cause) so it'd be hypocritical of us to not be pro-endo /lh

I hope this makes at least some amount of sense 😅 If not, I'd recommend checking out this post instead! Its a massive list including studies and (more coherent) community responses!

[jabberwockprince]

I'm cooking r1999 OC stuff so i need to ramble about it hehehoho rubs my evil hands together

i had to rewrite this because i lost it but i also sound like a madman so i dont expect absolutely anyone to understand my train of thought <3

I OC-fied Tartaglia a few days ago but I just got around to thinking about his whole character and lore, and it hit me that I can just put his ass in Apeiron <3 I'd like to have an OC in each faction but we'll see how much my attention span lasts

BUT! THIS MF.

I want him to be from Apeiron specifically because the idea of an integer or equally valid number within the island acting like the most fucking feral irrational number is so funny to me. a complete betrayal of the scriptures but that somehow ends up making sense, so you cannot be mad because He Still Operates Within What Was Expected. a guy whose entire existence is just ANNOYING AND IRRITATING AND INSUFFERABLE. perhaps he's a fraction, I'm not sure yet. I'm not looking forward to researching numbers to find one that suits him thematically and shit

most likely considered a genius in an unconventional way, not similar at all to 37. more like still following the theme of opposing/overstepping while working within the guidelines. so maybe something to contrast her

37's talent for numbers is explained as an innate ability to see the numbers in everyone and see their true essence, which causes her to be isolated from the physical world and the people of her own community because she does not experience nor care about reality the same way others do. its impossible to try and understand her, because her insight is so vastly unique, but she can still provide solid proof to support her discoveries with no problem at all, as seen when she confirmed Vertin's number is 0. she cares about the scriptures and numbers, and yet she likes taking the chance to discover one's number away from others just because she can be the first one to do it

so im thinking. Aianteia could be the opposite. he cannot see the numbers in people like her, but their true Forms. the perfect geometrical shapes that can only exist in the abstract world of Forms, impossible to achieve beyond a close approximation. and because he essentially sees the "beauty" in people, he cares for the community, he is friendly and often befriends others rather easily. but he can't fucking explain why he sees the world Like That. nor provide any proof as to why someone is This Form or That Form. which renders him totally useless within Apeiron, because of the importance of proof. he cares about people figuring out their number, to discover themselves and whatnot--he cares so much that he will gladly show you which Form you're meant to be, the way the universe intended it

and THIS is when the themes of battle and war and carnage come into play. when it comes to irrational numbers or the impure, Aianteia connects their "floating points" and knows exactly what to do to purify them. to make their bodies as pure as their Forms. im saying that he basically sees fancy ass geometrical shapes and lines that let him know where to start cutting and slashing and killing. this is something he does out of genuine love and care, so that those who cant even DREAM of studying the scripture can get a fair chance at discovering their number, as irrational as it may be. all they have to do is survive

im thinking. that his scars are self-inflicted because he attempted to do the exact same thing to himself. and he survived. and he figured out his number this way. he cannot explain why or how or give proof as to why he knows THIS is his number (in a way, similar to how 37 knew from birth that THIS was her number) but i like to think that 77 took a good look at him and went "hes right." and everyone had to just. accept that this guy, most likely a very young teenager, found out his number THROUGH THE "WRONG" WAY

WHICH. IN TURN. FALLS WITHIN WHAT 37 INSISTS DURING CHAPTER 05--numbers are the eternal truth because no matter when or where or how you prove something, you and the person at the other side of the planet will come up with the same result. Aianteia has an entirely different approach that led to the same conclusion as 77's mother. once again, the issue is that this is something that cannot be corrected nor given proof. relating to the gnosis of an arcanist, and how arcanum is not a viable method of study because it cannot be verified by a third party. my brain is making connections at the speed of SOUND. anyway. the issue is that he's RIGHT. which would make him a fraction, potentially, since 37 describes them like this

Integers are the living examples of virtues. Fractions can be understood through specific means. Irrational numbers are the free spirits, while imaginary numbers are the existence which doesn’t belong to this dimension of the number axis

so he can be understood through specific means, but no one can figure out WHICH means exactly

I do think that he starts out genuinely wanting to help people achieve their purest self, and somewhere down in the middle of the road he started to have a little too much fun with the idea of being the hand that brings Forms to the world of Matters. and then as he spends more and more time outside of Apeiron, it becomes a dog eat dog mentality, whoever survives gets to be their truest, purest Form -> the strongest get to impose their ideals onto the rest. Aianteia SAYS that he's doing this to uphold the scriptures and defend them in the outside world, and this is partially true as a childish leftover desire from his initial journey. but really, its all about getting the shit beaten out of him and beating the shit out of others now to see who earns the right to live

if the Storm has been going on for 7 years, it started when he was 19, so im thinking he was around 14-15 when he left Apeiron during one of those expeditions. and they let him go specifically because pretty much everyone wanted him gone

from what I remember, both Manus and the Foundation existed BEFORE the Storm? so im willing to say that Aianteia joined Manus before the first Storm ever. but i also dont want to think too hard on time logistics because we dont have the full timeline of the game yet

[starzgaze]

extremely cringe rant coming up

oh my fucking god i hate being titled smart or whatever like?? I'm not even smart by default, my hardest is another person's lowest and it's pissing me off. usually i wouldn't care but atp whenever my family brings it up to show me or my achievements off it brings a bitter taste in my mouth because probably I don't deserve more than half of these achievements. I feel like I'm a fraud for not studying better or whatever

these exams and groupings made me realize like holy shit maybe I'm not that decent like what i thought i was!! these abilities that i thought were good? are fucking ASS. All those years of practicing this and that means nothing because its apparently wrong or I had the wrong concept this whole time but no one was there to tell me it was wrong nor did they even bother to tell me, probably doing it just to see my downfall!!!!!! too fucking bad my biggest hater is myself and they can't stoop lower than me self sabotaging myself

I hate this country and the stupid education system, it's bullshit holy fuck. Not only education is not hardly accessible, people think academics is everything now its painfully engraved into my head if i get a grade lower 90 or even get an 89 which im expecting to see on my card soon I'm a failure in life and I don't deserve this tuition fee to be paid and i should probably scrape the money to pay it myself because my mom is already a single parent struggling to put food on the table and my tuition doubles on the problems she has and im just!!!!! fucking useless!!!!!! I can't even do my part as a student nor as her child so what's the point anymore i should've just got hit or something, in fact im just waiting a horrible event occurs to me and i never recover and just pass away straigjt up

i hatehatehathtatttee this so much i hate being poor, i hate beinf stupid, i hate this life genuinely like i didnt even ask for this but whenever i say this i feel horrible because this was the life chosen for me and i feel like im offending my mother or the people who raised me because they tried their very best and i end up like this!!!!!!!! my exams scores r so bad i dont even think im smart anymore i should just zip my mouth and isolate myself from other people before i say anything I'd regret later which happens alot because there's times i dont know when to shut it or to speak and i watch my grades crumble because i dont know when is the right time to say something or stay quiet

What sucks too people are expecting me to have high grade, great achievements and whatever the fuck. My family and people in my life doesn't say it but i caaaannn feel the expectations because they've always seen me having these certificates I don't even deserve and they expect me to break the stupid generational curse of being poor or whatever and gets us out of poverty and im just!!!! HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT WHEN ALL OF MY OPPORTUNITIES I WASTE IT BY BEINF SO INDECISIVE OR I'M TOO POOR TO AFFORD SAID OPPORTUNITY.

oh to be a rich nepo baby at this point i dont care anymore i just want to hang myself let's see if I'll be admitted again by the end of the school year

oh u know i dont even think im good in anything i say like i say i like legos but i apparently take too much time and is too stupid to follow instructions or that one time where i claim im good in english then whenever i try to recite or whatever I'd get ridiculed like omfg!!!! is this even worth it??2?2?2?3 should i even TRY AT THIS POINT OH MY GOD????? and then when it comes to art or other aspects in my life i feel like its not even enough or its too fucking ugly like okmfmgmg theyre gonna try to sugar coat it "oh it isnt too bad!!!" shut UP it looks like i vomitted and tried to put glitter on jt its hideous why did i even

I can't becomr an artist, physicist, biologist or any of the dreams i want to pursue because im fucking horrible in everything u know maybe i shluld just KILLMYSE

[scapeg8ats]

being a former hardcore anti-endo is wild because i am literally watching how echo chambers get built from the outside. i am watching people not fucking bother to take in really good information because that doesn't serve them being right.

it's to the point where they will act like people who have been studying this probably longer than some of them have been alive are incompetent in service of their point. when multiple therapists and psychologists—especially big names in the field of trauma and dissociation, the people you claim to fucking idolize—are saying "well, why isn't it possible for plurality not to equate to CDDs?", that's not usually MY cue to be like "god everybody is stupid and wrong but me and mine". that's usually my cue to go "maybe i need to understand the nuance of this more. maybe i don't know as much about plurality as i thought".

like maybe i just struggle to understand others but i genuinely do not understand the distinct lack of interest in discussion. and i don't mean the people who think syscourse runs in circles eating its own tail because FUCK ME SIDEWAYS do i ever see it now that i'm learning more.

and for what it's worth, i don't use any syscourse labels. i've talked about it before, but it's just a way for people to determine something about my morality based on whether i think plurality exists outside of CDDs or not. i have my main frustrations with anti-endos but neither side is "good" wrt echo chambers and talking OVER rather than WITH each other. it's not that i can't sympathize, it's not that i don't get it; it's also not like it's not allowed to be a frustrating sight to see over and over and over!

[myckicade]

Mayans M.C. - 05x05

*pounds head on work desk*

Fuck. You. EZ.

While we're at it, fuck you, too, Sofia.

Anyway.

Conspiracies first. (Second? Third?).

Updated Guesses of Who's in the Coffin:

Angel

Marcus

Creeper

Heroin - I had this feeling after a good, long think, and... Yeah... It tracks. So to speak.

*ahems*

I genuinely loved a couple of things about this episode, and I would like to get right into those, if I may.

I have been loving the Big Brother Miguel vibes since the start of the season, and it's only getting better. (I mean, if I didn't know what I know, I would have almost thought that he was hitting on Angel, BUT. He must have studied that boy damn close if he knows his body from a security camera. Y'know what I mean?) *ahems* It might just be me, too, but I felt this sense of... reluctant longing in Miguel's tone, when he agreed that he didn't know Angel. Kinda' broke my heart, a little bit. Here's this guy who has family he clearly wants to protect, but also refuses to acknowledge beyond that. While he and EZ have some ugliness between them, he and Angel - minus the warehouse - don't have that much on-screen history to work with. ** This is why I firmly believe that something terrible will befall Angel, and Miguel will have to take it up with EZ. Something is going to tip Miguel's hand on this secret, either his or Filipe's. I just really kinda' hope I'm wrong about what that something is. **

I did enjoy that little Not-Fight-Club scene. I need to re-watch, because I want to know why Isaac said, "It really is you"?? Did I mishear that?? Because, if so, that sends me down a whole winding path of questions and conspiracies. (Again, I need to re-watch a few things, at least, because I have zero idea whether I missed something, and now look like an idiot for having these thoughts). Neeevermind. I found my answer. I just love JR Bourne, and while I haven't been... in love with Isaac, he's doing a fabulous job with the role.

Bishop holding a baby. Need I say more? I mean... C'mon. That was sweet as hell.

His storytelling, as well. The man may have the Short and Angry down, but he definitely knows how to play Big Fish.

Izzy laying down the law. Once she got out of the car, I was shouting, "YEAH, BITCH!! I love you, dude, but, YEAH, BITCH!!" It's about time Marcus hears the words. -_- . That he took Santi out for some Father-Son Time afterward? *sobs* MY HEART!!!! <3 <3 <3 . Marcus has been such a dick for so long, it was good to have him put in his place, and reminded that he has more to live for that the damned Club. P.S. Have they mentioned the baby's gender yet? I wanna' know. >XD.

Hank getting to help his Mom gets me. Every time. I don't care. Anything concerning that man is emotional. I swear.

Gotta' say... I kinda' loved that ending... Things - storylines - are FINALLY beginning to feel like they go together. I have a little bit of faith back.

Very briefly, there were a few things that I disliked, as well. (As usual).

Fuck you, Ez.

A supplementary 'Fuck You' to the following folks: Sofia Emily EZ Potter Katie Everybody Who Ignored Kevin's Widow EZ

I hope we get to see Elio again?? I like the dude, and I'm sad that he and Bottles got split up. :( .

Not enough Bottles. Damn. I didn't think I'd end up liking that kid so much. I can't help it. Alex Barone is adorable.

I could have done without Letty and Hope scream-singing for, what was it? Two, three minutes? It felt that way, anyhow.

While I'm glad we still have Nestor around, I'm pretty damned bothered by the lack of use of his character? If that makes sense? I mean, here's a dude that's capable, trustworthy, honest, dedicated, loyal, and he's tending the fucking bar?! Prospect was... just not where I expected him to land, I guess? And, for so damned long. In bed with the enemy, sure, I get that. He just feels like such an afterthought to the series, at times.

EZ's little speech to SAMDINO was a nightmare. It was like being on the phone with Xfinity's automated services. I felt for Isaac on that one. I would have lost my temper, too.

Consider this my Weekly Complaint about Emily, if filed a day or so late. Ugh. Her little speech about Motherhood - though valid - made me roll my eyes. While Miguel is certainly no prize in the marriage department, I wish he would have just cut bait a long, LONG time ago.

Beyond that? I pretty well enjoyed this episode. The preview for next week didn't thrill me to my core, but... We shall see.

Until next week, Y'all!

-Mycki