#I found that show annoying when I was its target audience. I find it annoying now. I think there are shows of that era and target audience

[amplexadversary]

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[rewatching-sam-and-dean]

My Commentary on Rob and Rich Reviewing (4x14) Sex and Violence

I was listening to the latest Supernatural Then and Now Podcast (The Siren Episode) and I had to stop it after the Rob and Rich review to write down my thoughts because it annoyed me so much.

The guys both thought the episode was okay, but a bunch of things “bumped” for them. This is fine, and everyone is entitled to their own opinion about an episode, but some of the things that “bumped” for them “bump” for me.

My thoughts under the cut …

Bump # 1 - The Siren turning out to be a man

So, both Rs had an issue with the siren being a man since the lore showed them as women, and I think, because in real mythology they are women. Though they conceded that the a male siren could be a thing too, it seemed to really bother them that the siren ended up not being about a sexual connection with the brothers (though Rich saw the flask sharing scene as flirtatious … because no guys have ever shared a flask, including, Dean and Bobby).

I’m sorry, but the siren targeting the brothers, and using a version of an ideal brother to get to Dean isn’t a plot hole or a “stretch” or something, it’s an interesting choice and it’s exactly the point of the episode. While many men are vulnerable to a pretty woman who is into them, Dean just wants Sam. He wants his relationship with Sam to be better. In particular, he’s so worried about Sam and insecure in their bond that he wants a Sam who likes what he likes but, more importantly, one who listens to him and doesn’t hide things from him. And I know I’ve written about this before on a previous post, but Dean doesn’t NEED the siren to be a hot girl; he can find one of those easily. He needs a Sam he can trust. That’s the whole point. The show is drawing the comparison between sexual intimacy/romantic companionship (usually one of the most desired things in literature/media) to the brothers relationship to show how much brotherhood matters to Dean in particular (in this case).

The way the male siren actor portrays its interest in the brothers, to me, is very much like it’s intrigued and excited that it found a high even better than the sexual desire that it usually feeds off of. When the siren feels how desperate Dean is for the bond with Sam to be fixed, it finds him more interesting than it’s usual target. Dean’s longing for Sam (not sexual) is even stronger than the sexual desire or romantic companionship that the siren usually feeds off of, so much so that the siren changes its entire MO to go after the brothers.

Bump # 2 - The Doctor sleeping with Sam (when she isn’t the siren) is weird

So, the Rs disagreed on the “bumpiness” of this one. Rob thought it was weird that the doctor would just decide to sleep with Sam (at work), while it didn’t bother Rich because … Jared Padalecki. Sound argument (in this case), Rich.

Still, the doctor is a little unusual, and her behaviour is clearly intended to be a misdirect, but the show does a good enough job of suggesting she had a bad breakup (or worse) and is now just sort of living in the moment, so her behaviour doesn’t bother me. Also, Sam is hot.

What is stranger than the doctor’s behaviour, for the audience who knows him, is Sam having sex with her I that moment. Not only that, but Sam is very chill when she’s hitting on him, where in the past, Sam has often been a little shy or awkward with women that he’s been attracted to or interested in. So no, this is not Sam’s usual MO to sleep with the doctor, especially when we know he and Ruby are or were also sleeping together. Sam is not acting entirely like his usual self. And he hasn’t been acting entirely like himself for a while now.

Bump # 3 - The Siren telling the boys to fight each other and saying the winner can “be with” him

I don’t know why they had an issue with this. The siren literally explains that it loves the rush of having people willing to do anything for it, even kill people they love. What the siren tells the brothers doesn’t matter because it’s not like it’s really planning to have a relationship with the brother who wins the fight. And the boys are already infected at this point, so it’s just giving them incentive to fight. It’s not sticky about the sexual-ness of people’s need for the siren, it’s about the desperation they have to be with it (in whatever way).

Bump #4 - Sam dismissing the Doctor after sleeping with her.

The guys were both bothered by Sam not bothering to say goodbye to the doctor, and they mentioned that it seemed sort of old-school (womanizing?). Rob said that Sam dismissing her was more like something Dean would do than Sam. I know that I already said this, but this is the whole point. Sam hasn’t been acting like his old self. This isn’t an accidental writing mistake, where the writer accidentally wrote Sam more like Dean. Sam is different now.

It also isn’t like Sam to call Dean weak, or ridicule him for being messed up from his experience in hell. Season 2 Sam would never, and Season 3 Sam wouldn’t either. Season 4 Sam has changed from the trauma of losing Dean, drinking demon blood, and having Ruby in his ear.

Also, to play devils advocate on myself, Sam has actually left towns before without saying goodbye to the girl he had a connection with, maybe not after sleeping with her, but it’s not wholly out of character for him to leave without saying goodbye (I’m not criticizing him for this). Also, I really don’t think that doctor was looking for anything more from Sam beyond hooking up in her office, so this doesn’t bother me much.

Final thoughts

Anyway, I’m not arguing that everyone has to love every episode, or even like all the ones that I do. I’m not even arguing that people need to like Sex and Violence because it really can be a little uncomfortable, and there is a bit of a sexual undercurrent to it all, even though that’s not the sirens intention with the brother. That’s also not exactly new on Supernatural. However, it’s weird to me that so many of the things that “bumped” for Rob and Rich seem to me like very deliberate choices by the writers, not careless mistakes or pointlessly out of character. This episode reveals a lot about where Sam and Dean are at this point in the season, both individually and in their relationship.

Granted, I have the benefit of watching the episode and knowing where it’s all leading, but this is what sort of bothers me about hearing people discuss the show who are doing it for a purpose and are probably only half-invested in the story. They miss things that seem like they should be really clear. Also, it’s funny when they find things uncomfortably sexual in relation to Sam and Dean (they didn’t outright say that, but I think it was implied in what they said) and act like it’s a surprise or out of place. Again, this isn’t new. They obviously listened to too many hellers if they didn’t realize that Sam and Dean are weirdly close at times or that the show makes some pretty blatant parallels between them and couples or makes quasi-incestuous connections between Sam and Dean.

I have nothing else to add here. This was mostly just a rant, but feel free to add your two cents if you made it this far.

[wanderinghedgehog]

I keep wanting to show y’all some of my novel, but it’s hard to choose small excerpts, so here’s a whole chapter. This one is called Letter to No One in Particular. Content warning for death/murder. Anyway, hope y’all like the melodrama.

To whomever makes themself my audience,

I have not made this letter easy to find, so if you read it now, I must assume that you have a reason to be investigating my belongings. That, or you are a thief. If whoever reads this does so with proper intention, I will attempt to clarify to you the circumstances which led me to Kestrel Island. You will receive the complete story which you may interpret as you will.

At the beginning of this year, 1872, my employers relocated me to one of their smaller factories in southern Pennsylvania where I was to take up a role in management and communications. The details of the job are unimportant, so I will summarize it quickly. I was something of a human telegraph for the heads of the company as well as the heads of this small branch of it. I was an observant, pristine academic amongst workmen and their immediate superiors. To these superiors, I was a pest, but a respected one. I was, for the most part, plainly ignored, though a man would take me aside on occasion to ask something of me. These requests ranged anywhere from minimal to extensive and taking up multiple days if not weeks. But at least half of my time was not spent with these men at all, but on the factory floor. To the laborers, I was more evidently a pest, like a fly that buzzes too close to one’s ear while one’s hands are too occupied to swat it. They were unsure of how much authority I held over them, so their politeness towards me exhibited quite a range. Regardless, it was clear they did not hate me, but found me annoying.

A few months into my time at this factory, I took issue with a particular foreman who oversaw one sector that had recently been renovated. With the new technology came new instructions, new workers, and new regulations. As was part of my assignment, I knew something of the workings of these new machines and often observed them in motion to ensure they were used properly. The workmen adapted surprisingly fast to these changes, though there were, quite expectedly, some stragglers who were slower to understand. This is where my aforementioned foreman becomes relevant. I never learned the man’s full name, though I heard him called Gilbert, so I called him this as well. I could not say whether this was his christian name or surname. He was a man of about my age, though likely younger, and could always be found with a clean, black cap. He took no pity on the men who could not adapt quickly to the new equipment. They were the immediate target of his rage which they endured while they continued to work. The dissatisfaction of the laborers was palpable, making them a gang of unsettled men which I noticed and pitied, but was hesitant to help.

My trouble with this Gilbert was evident since our first encounter. I had initially assumed this mutual dislike would be a minor irritant, a pesky rivalry that would amount to nothing worse than a few arguments. I could not have been more mistaken.

While I had initially found his demeanor unsettling, my dislike of this man truly began when I observed his behavior on the factory floor. He seemed to revel in a sort of cruelty I had not commonly observed but marveled at purely for its intensity. It must have been a natural part of him in the way other men would feel the need to eat. He may resist this need for much of the day, but will occasionally indulge wholeheartedly and without shame, for why should a man resent such a natural indulgence? There were indeed times I witnessed Gilbert’s abuse of the workmen and concluded without much effort that I had met a truly evil man. As I look back on these thoughts, I cannot fully dismiss them, but consider them with far more doubt.

It quickly became evident that Gilbert’s superiors were quite aware of his behavior and made no efforts to interfere. In fact, they praised his work as they associated it with the exemplary productivity of the sector he oversaw. This was an attitude I had encountered while working for some of my previous employers, though I had not thought to oppose it in any way before.

There are many ways to temporarily invade a complex environment as I did with this factory. These places function as a system of organs, not to be disturbed else the entire structure begins to collapse. One must leave the intricacies of these places as they are, and if they must be changed, one must not continue without the forethought and delicacy of a surgeon. It was this truth that informed my actions. Each time I approached Gilbert it was with the utmost caution.

At this point, I cannot avoid the conclusion of this story any longer. As you, the reader, may have guessed or only now learn, it was I who killed Gilbert. You may be expecting to hear about the progression of my rage that led me to kill this man, the slow corruption of my soul, but there is none to be spoken of. I was hardly a different man when I first met Gilbert than I was a day before I murdered him.

It had been close to noon and my patience had run out and turned to disregard, a thing which might have alarmed me if I took the time to compare it to my usual behavior. But I found my mind was sluggish that day and I did not think of much at all. I had stopped the foreman mid-tirade and attempted to speak with him privately, a last attempt at civility. He had turned to me, straightened his cap and said, “Mr. Culver, I’ve got to keep at work.”

“You can spare a minute or two. Come with me,” I replied.

Gilbert glanced back at the man he had been harassing. Seeing that he had already resumed his task, the foreman nodded and followed me to a quieter corner of the sector, past the workmen’s domain and venturing into the area populated mainly by machinery. Gilbert stopped eventually even while I tried to walk farther and said, “I’m sure this is far enough, Mr. Culver. Now, were you wanting to ask me something or not?”

I had nearly responded before some fellow quickly walked between us on his way back to his station. This space was still not secluded enough. Nearby, I spotted a small supply room, the door left slightly ajar.

From this moment on, my recollection is incomplete. Some aspects of these ensuing events continue to evade me however I may try to remember them. I will tell all that I can. I had ushered Gilbert into the supply room where our conversation would surely not be heard. His confusion was obvious, though I had no intention of addressing it. Indeed I myself cannot be sure why I have been so adamant on the matter of privacy, though it may have been an attempt to remove the man I was confronting from any circumstance which might discourage him from answering honestly.

I recall an attempt at conversation, though this quickly escalated to bickering. Many people when confronted will attempt to justify themselves, explain how their reasoning was sound. It is a pitiable state that puts one at the mercy of another person. This is likely why Gilbert did not employ this tactic at all, instead choosing to assail me with his own artillery of questions. As I had dared to accuse him of untoward behavior, he in turn accused me of various things which I cannot remember. These infuriating gaps in my memory make this process of retelling quite impossible. Could I know exactly what had been said to me that would somehow drive me to murder, I would certainly relay it to you. Perhaps I would see my actions as more justified- or at least understandable- if their cause was revealed to me. As of this moment, my own thoughts are a mystery to me.

The act of killing cannot be remembered visually, but audibly and emotionally. All distinct sounds became muffled and the only aspect I could register was wavering pitch and volume, making the human voice sound like that of an animal or an instrument out of tune. My own voice was absent entirely from the event. The image of the scene returns to me only in its aftermath. The man before me had been lowered to the ground, his limbs folded in uncomfortable positions, a reddening bruise rounded his neck just above his open collar. The door was held tightly shut by my left hand while my right struggled to loosen my necktie.

I stayed frozen in the supply room for some time- likely two or three hours- before I was awakened from this strange state by the turning of the doorknob in my hand. I held it firmly shut until whoever wished to open the door abandoned this effort. Knowing that I could not remain here forever, I resolved to quietly slip out of the room and remove myself from the factory as quickly and inconspicuously as possible. I had even constructed a lie if anyone questioned my sudden departure; something about receiving news of a relative who had fallen ill. This ultimately proved unnecessary, though I was somewhat calmed by adding these small details to my escape.

When I had finally returned to the rooms I had been occupying, I took no moment to rest and began immediately planning my next steps. I knew how easily Gilbert’s murder would be traced back to me, so I could rely not on deception, but hiding. I had friends scattered around Pennsylvania, but none whom I could trust with a situation such as this. They are fine men and I do not mean this as an insult to them. I simply mean that they are orderly and plainly upright, traits which are honorable, but not ideal considering my current circumstance. I could not return to my family in the northern part of the state for similar reasons. With the exception of my sister and her husband, my relatives would likely take issue with concealing me during such a time as this. Given my sister’s proximity to the rest of our family, I could not turn to her without accepting certain unnecessary risks. All my connections throughout Pennsylvania all came embedded with the same issue, unwanted intervention. My plan needed some predictability and autonomy which I could not find in family or friends.

I had few friends outside the state, but they were the last people I could think to turn to. Despite my need for independence, I knew I would need someone willing to hide me, someone who would provide some security should people become suspicious of me. After considering my limited options, I decided to seek out John Tarrants, a man I had befriended many years ago while we happened to work in the same factory. He, an exceedingly kind man who endured the oddities of my past, had known me for some time before returning to his home in New England. He had given me his address so that I might write to him, though our correspondence quickly grew sparse and eventually petered out. This was the man whom I trusted in this dire time.

As of the time I am writing this, I was right to trust him. After being given only part of this story I have relayed to you, he agreed to take me into his home. I pray that I may repay such an unimaginable favor someday.

I speak highly of Tarrants and for good reason, not only for his kindness towards me, but his overall good nature. For this reason, I must clarify the exact details of Tarrant’s involvement in this situation. As I said, he did not receive the full truth, only a select part of it. Specifically, I told him of my rivalry with Gilbert, my current criminal status, and my need for his help. I did not tell him what crime I had committed, simply that I had committed a crime. My intention was not to merely lie to him, but to hopefully prevent any consequences which might befall him should I be found and arrested. He had no involvement in Gilbert’s death and he is not guilty of knowingly concealing a murderer. His offenses are as minimal as I could possibly make them in good conscience.

I pray that this letter is unneeded and finds no opportunity to be read. However, my certainty about my security is not so unjustly assured that I will not consider the possibility of my arrest. If this letter must be read, let it be read well.

-  Ezra Culver

[nswor]

Evangelion (part 2)

Ok, now for my grievances. The plot completely fumbles at the end. This show is impossible to watch without googling for plot summaries and browsing reddit posts, wikis dedicated to the show, and youtube videos explaining what the hell the ending was and what the meaning of it all was. Now, I really do tend to like media that has extensive lore and backstories, like I could easily watch videos about unexplained Five Nights at Freddy's stories or something like that, but the difference I think with Evangelion is that you can't piece together the story by yourself just from watching it alone. With FNAF, all the details are in the games themselves and you can come up with conclusions on your own (at least you used to be able to), versus Evangelion you have no idea what happened to cause the ending, and what the whole point was just from watching it. That is until you google it and find out stuff and mass extinctions, ancient aliens, sea scrolls and all sorts of other convoluted stuff. If you don't do outside research you will have no idea what the reveal of "adam" at the end of episode 24 is supposed to mean, and even with context its still hard to understand episodes 25 and 26. The show's story ultimately feels pointless. I know the ultimate goal is to end with Shinji getting some form of self confidence, but what is the point if to get there everyone including Shinji needs to die? If the show ends with everyone becoming a collective conscious and the villains 'winning', why does individuality matter? Is the message just 'don't be sad'? Additionally, there are so many plot points I feel they completely drop the ball on. I knew prior to watching that episode 18 is supposed to be the 'sad' one, which really makes everyone that watches depressed. In that episode, Shinji is unwillingly forced to kill his friend by the hands of his father, and when I first saw the Eva killing his friend slowly while Shinji can only watch in horror, I really was moved. For a brief second I thought this is what people who like Evangelion were affected by. That is until the end of the episode where it is shown that his friend lived... What the hell was the point? At that point in watching, I knew this show was never going to actually double down on its messages and would just continue to be a series of events happening for no reason. All tension was completely lost when he lived. I found out recently that the creator's intent was for him to die, but the publishing company didn't want that from a show targeting a 'younger audience'. I don't want to ramble on too much more, but some other things that were dumb were; Asuka's backstory is explained entirely just in episode 25. Prior to, she is just an annoying average tsundere. Even with being exposed to Asuka's backstory, she doesn't learn her lesson, since everyone is dead at that point there can't be a scene where she realizes her mistakes or is shown to be kind to other people. Rei secretly being a clone is a dumb plot point that doesn't do anything. The creator of the show themself just said the Christian Imagery and allusions were solely just because 'they're cool'. Reassuring that the show has no actual substance or goals other than to just be cool and have an interesting atmosphere, which I suppose it achieves Evangelion is just dumb. It feels like I'm supposed to have had some profound impact after watching it but to me it falls flat on its face.

Congratulations.

[romanarose]

Hello there ✨️ love your work 💕 I'm a long time fan 🫶🏼. I've been on tumblr a few years now, but I'd never found the courage to post anything of my own til now. I've been feeling a little optimistic these days, and genuinely excited about posting some of my writing and sharing it with the people out here. Do you have any advice on how to start posting and interacting from scratch? Cause I'm low-key nervous abt it and it seems like my target audience has already formed a solid community I don't know how to get into 🥺

Wow, this might be the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me wowie!!!!!!

okay let me tell my advice

The numbers don't equal quality. Certain things appeal to people more, like shorter stories, straight up smut, Joel Miller gets way more than when I write Marc. I think one of my best works was my Marc X Jewish!Reader series, Seattle, but it idnt get anywhere really even at the height of moon knight popularity bc people dont read OC's esp ethnic oc's. Put your heart into it and those who enjoy it will enjoy it. I had a William Miller series that averaged like 8-20 notes per chapter but I had a handful of readers I knew adored it and thats what mattered

This site is so much better with interaction. PLEASE DON"T ONLY INTERACT FOR THE SAKE OF GETTING FRIENDS WHO"LL REBLOG!! However, if you dont already, make sure you are reblogging stories and leaving nice words! Me personally, if someone reblogs regularly and leave nice words, espcially things that show they really paid attention, I usually just follow back bc I love friends. Im happy to get to know you!

Yes, it's hard sometimes to break it. It took a few months for me to get into the Oscar Issac writer circles, and then when I started writing Pedro it took a while too but I always reblogged and tried to communicate and I made friends. Isn't it crazy we can just.... become friends with our fav writers? Obvs Im not friends with all my favs but MOST of my favs became my friends <3

It's kinda annoying to me bc Im bad at it but aesthetics help. Title, a picture to catch eyes, summary, warnings, note. Try to make it look nice. Im really had at this LMFAOOOOOO. My lovely friends have made my best looking banners. If you have graphic design skills, use them! i wish i didn't have to but it does help catch readers when you have an interesting headers and everything looks pretty.

Few technicals. Use the readmore option. No one wants to reblog a LOOOOOONG story and clog up the feeds. Use as many correct tags as you can. Tag any triggering content. And I'm the worst at this but proof read. Im bad at proof reading, everyone who reads my work knows spelling, grammar, wrong words are a common issue I have bc Im bad at typing. When I still had word on my laptop I started typing in word and using text to speach to help me catch stuff!

Keep at it! IDK where you know my work, weather moon knight, triple frontier or tlou or whatever but all those fandoms right now are like.... a little less active. So don't be dissapointed if it takes a while. With TLOU, theres SOOOOOOO many amazing writers. With Moon Knight theres just less buzz rn. If you write for lesser known characters like Llewyn Davis or Will Miller, you probs won't reach the notes of established writers in Joel Miller. Just the reality. the point is keep going, find what you like and what gets people excited and go from there

This is the most important. Write what you want. I mean it. I love writing Will Miller because he's my special man <3 even though it's a small fanbase. My series Rooms On Fire, a lot have lost interest bc its a long series. That's okay! I love the series and it makes me happy to write it. I wrote a few Miguel O'Hara stories because, I'm being honest here, I wanted to capitalize on the hype. Guess what? They weren't good. I'm not proud of them. Since then, I write what Im inspired to.

THIS SHOULD BE FUN AND IF AT ANY POINT, IT"S NOT FUN STOP AND FIGURE OUT WHY

feel free to say hi off anon! I'm always happy to get to know new people. If you like Triple Frontier, I have a discord server that is pretty much open to everyone! I'm trying to revive it and you can share your works and meet knew people!

Anon or not, let me know if you have any questions!

[belfrygargoyles]

1) the composition, posing, framing, anatomy, stylization, all has to be consistent and done with purpose. it cant be done clumsily, appear as a "regression" in my art style, or have any room for visible error beyond what I can categorize as "permissible". The process of art generally is not a very easy or smooth one, and the less time and paper space "wasted" on adjustments, the less revisions i have to make, the less i have to erase and redraw and put the entire piece on pause at a rudimentary stage lest i waste time on details that will be erased, the better.

2) I can say "i want to draw a character." okay, now what pose? what style? what focus? what composition? what outfit, color palette, tone, etc. too much decision. unless i already know what i want i just... can't. really decide.

3) Idk man I stopped drawing consistently some time during high school and just got out of a 5 year relationship during which i rewired my brain to constantly think about & create for another person to the point that even when i got out, i found that i couldn't even write or come up with ideas for myself because i was stopping every step with what someone else would want instead. the act of writing and drawing and engaging with ocs had for the past 5 years stopped being something to do for fun and instead been made into a primary and foundational means of reciprocal "proof" of interest and investment in the other person and for at least a full year and a half I stopped getting anything back. Part of my brain is still stuck in that tired, burnt out, frustrated resignation. Part of my brain is still trapped in the mindset that i have to focus on and create for someone else specifically, that i have a target audience that i need to regularly and consistently "prove" that i care about by making things not because its what I think about, but because everything i make HAS to be for someone else or else I am being self centered and neglecting my upkeep of the relationship. Part of my brain still just feels so dead, like it's given up entirely, after repeatedly putting 110% into catering wholly and perfectly to someone else with the expectation, promise, and increasingly desperate belief that it would be mutual, that it was mutual and my expectations were too high or my memory too unreliable, only to finally learn that no, i was right, i actually wasn't getting anything back, i was being fed empty promises to "try harder" and "be better for me" for years and put my full faith that change was happening, an effort was being put in, that i'm just too self-centered and want too much attention to myself to notice.

and, if i'll be honest. there were some comments made during that time about my art that have still stuck. really minor comments, well meaning, honestly pretty inoffensive (if not a bit annoying) unwelcome and unasked for critique on wips i was showing progress on, without the context of how it felt with the years of invisible, built up, unidentifiable frustration that made me a hair trigger desperately trying to validate my feelings by finding fault anywhere and everywhere. i dont want to hold onto those comments like this, but something about them is sticking, and i still feel stupidly hyper defensive over my art. they were just small, unintentionally mildly rude comments made without thinking that they could cause offense at all, but who they were coming from, the time they were said, the state i and the relationship was in- they really meant so, so much more, in a way that is kind of emblematic of everything that was wrong with the relationship. and part of me is still holding onto those feelings, i guess- maybe because it was about something that's always been deeply personal in a kind of delicate way for me?

ugh

hurgh i wish i could still just pick up a pen think of a character and draw when the fuck ever- now even if i want to draw, if i dont already have an idea of what exactly i want to draw i just... cant. i dont know if this is a result of focusing too much on quality/the "it has to be perfect or it cant exist at all" mentality, a weird kind of decision paralysis (which it actually is sometimes), or longterm effects of burnout and relying on extrinsic motivators for so long.

actually its probably all of that at the same time now that i wrote that out

[alluringjae]

it’s a royal order - jjh

⤑ summary: one of your royal campaigns became a success, and your bodyguard jaehyun was there to see it all happen. it’s only fair to celebrate, right?

⤑ pairing: jaehyun x female reader

⤑ word count: 2k

⤑ genre: fluff, suggestive (dirty talk, jaehyun got a daddy kink, superiority complex!!), implied smut | bodyguard!jaehyun, princess!reader, slight enemies to lovers!au, modern royal!au (where south korea remains under monarchial power)

⤑ warnings: mentions of alcohol, drugs, family problems and therapy, explicit language

⤑ playlist: lows by pink sweat$ | céline by gallant | i put a spell on you by iza | nasty by ariana grande | dance for you by beyonce | body by sinead harnett

⤑ author’s note: this is definitely less emotional than all i do is wait! i got this idea from a show i really enjoyed before it got cancelled named the royals. specifically, i really liked the story of eleanor and jasper, which is the whole princess x bodyguard dynamic. the pining and tension, ugh! if you know this show or not, it doesn’t matter. anyways, thank you for the 30+ followers and 200 notes on aidiw! enjoy!

i need holy water because of this piece.

⤑ credits to jeongjaehyuns for the gif above uwu

⤑  leave me some feedback, constructive criticism or hellos!

“On behalf of the royal family, I would like to extend my utmost support for the Anti-School Violence campaign for all students to have a safer and more meaningful learning environment.” You proudly announced to the board of officials alongside other influential individuals in Korean society.

Being the only princess in the current royal line may have its pressures, but holding a strong, direct impact for a brighter future for the people motivated you to take advantage of your platform for the better. As the image of pure innocence and revamped women empowerment, you aimed to accomplish all the things your mother wished she could before her untimely death alongside your personal aspirations.

Expressing genuine joy with the campaign, with a tinge of desire to annoy the old-fashioned and closeminded officials, your prying eyes were more enamored by a certain man in the back clapping by the ballroom doors. You can’t help but act flustered whenever he witnessed you in a state of success and satisfaction.

This man went by the name Jeong Jaehyun, your trusted bodyguard since you were in your early twenties. 3 years later, he still stuck by your side and helped you endure all the darkness as a royal.

Back then, you went through a rebellious phase that was ruining the image of your family. Clubbing almost every night, drugs, skipping school, you even managed to get all assigned bodyguards to quit! The media ate up all your tricks, turning them into scandals. That was the plan, of course. You desired your own freedom from all the royal obligations because you didn’t ask to be born into that lifestyle. To all of your peers who wished to be in your footsteps, you would’ve impulsively passed your title to them. There’s so much deception that lies behind the glitz and glam of it all.

This unexpected change in your former untainted attitude came to the point that your father, the king himself, stepped in and personally assigned one of his men to get you in check. He figured that appointing a guard nearest your age may lessen the tension and mend you back together.

In the start, you absolutely despised him. There was no way to fool him when you were up to no good. He easily found your alcohol and drug stash which he disposed of on the spot and stood by your bedroom door every night so you wouldn’t sneak out past curfew (which your father also strictly implemented).

One big turning point in your relationship was when he rushed you to the royal hospital when you drank a cocktail that went unnoticeably spiked. To think that this was a typical social gathering with other royals and officials, you’re a constant target to many. You didn’t wake up for a few days, and the entire time, Jaehyun willingly stood by your bedside and outside your hospital room.

Since that and more instances your father insisted you get involved in royal affairs, you softened up. As cliché as it was, the more time spent with him, the more you knew about him and vice versa. He was the one that got you to fully open up about your grief towards your late mother, encouraging you to seek help. Turns out you weren’t as different as you thought despite your differing ranks in society when he also had a void for a missing parent. In his case, it was his father, who ditched his family for his mistress. Silently, you helped each other recover from your traumas alongside therapy. From dreading his presence, you started treating him more casually. Your father’s tactic of assigning a bodyguard around your age admittedly worked.

Oh, how time flies.

This campaign was the last thing on your weekend agenda, so you had the entire late afternoon and evening to yourself. Bowing one last time to the audience, you stepped down from the platform and accepted the soft hand of your bodyguard, who quickly made his way to you despite the flashing cameras. It was something he got used to as it is part of the job.

Once he successfully ushered you out of the ballroom, his hand still held yours. Nothing new, except this event was quite public and you didn’t want anyone to get any wrong ideas. Strolling down one of the many hallways in the palace became a pastime for the both of you, where no one can catch you. It was a safe haven within the destructive life of the Park kingdom.

“You did phenomenal as I expected, your highness.” Jaehyun complimented, recalling your panic the night before as the stage fright hit strong when you were reciting your speech to him over and over again.

“We are in private, Jaehyun. Must you really use those formalities with me?” You taunted, bobbing your head sideways mockingly. With him could you felt like a normal young adult, and you wouldn’t have it any other way. Jaehyun loved being frisky with you, catching you get irked up. And he was up to do it again.

“Hmm last time we strolled these halls, Yuta caught us making out after a successful meeting with the Prime Minister.”

You gasped at his statement, conscious of whoever may be in the vicinity. But before you could refute, your hand that was interlocked with his were mightily slammed against the white wall. You lost your breath for a moment, his warm body closely on yours. His free hand freely roamed up and down your covered waist. His lips were dangerously near your neck, where you’re sensitive. Your hips naturally grinded against him to release the pent-up tension.

“Something tells me you want to do it again, princess?” Now he’s just using your title as a pet name, but you couldn’t complain. It just hits differently when the situation was set up like this.

“I deserve it, don’t I? Got a lot of those hell-driven officials on my side for this round.” You raised both your brows cockily, licking your lips.

“Hell yeah, you do.” Finally, he rids of the tension and plants open kisses on your bare neck. Your throaty moans were uncontrollable, and you could care less.

“My princess,”

Kiss.

“So intelligent,”

Kiss.

“So benevolent,”

Kiss.

“So helpful,”

Kiss.

“But,” He changed his pace and direction, swollen lips near your ear.

“But?” You question naïvely. He scoffed, smirking at your antics of playing dumb.

“But a total slut for her bodyguard.” He dominantly planted his lips against yours, one of his veiny hands gripping on your waist and the other by the arch of your butt. He was hungry, needy even. Due to your shared schedules, it’s been a constant struggle to have proper alone time from the snooping eyes of Korean society. After all, it wasn’t in the norm for a princess to fall deep for her bodyguard. Nor were you sure you would be accepted by anyone. Yuta, the bodyguard of your oldest brother, the crowned prince Jinyoung, finding the both of you at that time was a total shock but didn’t care either.

All that mattered was that your feelings towards each other are real and strong. Accepted or not, you had each other.

All this lust put you in a daze, wanting much more than another smooch fest in the hallway. Tugging on his belt, he squeezed your butt tightly. You emitted a moan, which allowed his tongue access. No way could you keep your hands to yourself, touching his upper body and the flexing of his abdominal muscles from his button-up. You felt his now hard member poking through.

Analyzing your area, you were on the other side of the palace. Farther to your bedroom where numerous rendezvouses were made, one kink you’ve considered in the past amplified your mind. Considering this area was also the king’s side, and he was abroad for royal affairs, this was your chance.

“I have an idea, my love. You up for it?” You rose a brow at your lover, challenging him. Not one to overpower this man in bed, but always suggesting a way on how to spice it up.

“And what exactly does your feral brain want to do with me, princess?” His finger lifted your chin so you meet eye to eye. You can just see the fire still burning, and oh how you were ready to intensify it.

“The main ballroom, where my father and late mother’s throne rest, are a few doors away.” Your fingers signal him to lower his stance as his tall height was difficult to reach. With a sneaky smirk,

“Let me ride you in the king’s throne, my love.” Your lips brushed over his and sucked his bottom lip, tugging him by his belt. He groaned, squeezing your butt. “It’s a royal order.”  

“Nasty, your highness. Insanely nasty, you are.” His hands hoisted your waist, boosting you up in his arms. You gasped with profanities, ravenously cut off by his lips again. His nails digging deep in your bare thighs, your legs naturally linked themselves around his torso while your arms passionately intertwined his broad neck.

In between kisses, he carried you to the said main ballroom. One of your wildest imaginations, just a second away. This room remained to be the only place without any guards stationed technological advancements or updated interior designs to preserve its traditional beauty. Dated as far as the 19th century, only special events were held and the highest of the high were allowed inside. Spacious, surrounded by gold linings majestic paintings of angels from above with a huge crystal chandelier right above the center. Right ahead, the original thrones that your ancestors, grandparents, and parents sat on when they were throned in its pure glory.

Pushing your lover on the king’s throne, the gold sun-like rays plastered behind the headrest, he cockily leaned back and manspread his legs for comfort. He rubbed his hands before patting his thigh, waiting for your submission. But you weren’t going to give in just yet.

Not when you prepared a mini-show just for him underneath your designer silk dress.

Jaehyun’s solemn eyes marveled over your gorgeous figure as you stripped down one strap after the other. Due to its silk fabric, it effortlessly dropped down to your figure to reveal a new set of black lace lingerie from your previous trip to Paris. Ages ago, Jaehyun unhesitatingly ripped your favorite ones during his birthday, so you decided to get a mature version of it. A version where your bra lifted your breasts more and undies hiked up to your waist to elongate your legs. Only for the eyes of yourself and the man in front of you, establishing that you were a powerful woman who can be absolutely anyone she can be. Princess, a normal young adult, or his slut, it’s up to you how you see yourself.

Jaehyun mumbled all the profanities he could think of at the moment. Looking like a divine angel when the sun from outside shuns behind you, his slacks tightening so much more than a while ago.

“All this for me?” He ogled shamelessly, undoing the buttons of his dress shirt and untying his necktie. “What did I do to deserve such regal treatment?”

You sneered at his comment, stepping out your dress in your heels and stationing right in front of his luring lap. “You’ve always been there for me, thick and thin. I think you deserve a reward, don’t you think?”

Lowering yourself to straddle him, his breath hissed when your damp core collided with his crotch. Distracted and caught in your trap, “I don’t think you answered my question, my love.”

Rather than a verbal response, he roughly pulled you back in for a kiss. His hands scattered to explore from your back down to your waist. Your hands messily ran through his hair, tugging on some when your body got too sensitive to his wild touches. The thrilling sounds of the two of you drowning in your fiery romance bounced throughout the ballroom, not minding if anyone passed by the hallways outside. It was a private room after all, and whatever happens here, stays here.

Rolling on his crotch while his lips trailed down to your collarbones, the quick snap of your bra wires echoed. The tight lift lessened as Jaehyun’s fingers dropped the straps, unveiling your bare chest covered in his marks.

“Enough playing, princess. Let daddy have some real fun with you.”

[shenanigans-and-imagines]

So, my clumsy self hurt my knee, had to have a surgery and currently walks like na elderly penguin. However, I have had time to watch The Clone Wars, The Bad Batch And Rebels in a really short time... which is one positive thing to come out of it. I was wondering, since I love hearing your thoughts, what do you think were the strengths and weaknesses of each show?

Hey sorry I'm late to a reply. You sent it pretty late and I wanted to be fully awake to respond. Let's just jump right in.

Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008-2020)

General Thoughts: This is probably my favorite piece of Star Wars media besides the Original Trilogy. It made me actually care about the prequels and understand what they were trying to accomplish. I love most of the episodes, which is saying something considering the length of the series. If I was going to get anybody introduced to Star Wars I would start with the Original Trilogy, maybe show them the prequel for context and then immediately get them onto The Clone Wars.

Strengths: As an anthology series, we really get to explore the world of Star Wars in a way we were unable to in the movies. We are allowed time to really get to know Anakin and Obi Wan while at the same time expanding the cast to encompass all the Jedi at their peak. It adds humanity to the all but faceless clones in the movies and adds an extra layer of tragedy to the series that the prequels tried, but mostly failed to impart.

Weakness: As an anthology series, there are some episodes that really do miss. This is the one I believe varies in quality the most and while I don't mind it so much, I can see it bothering others. Also, it does take a while to get going and the animation in the first season is really rough. It takes until season 2 to properly find its footing, but if you can stick it out until they I still high recommend it to everyone.

Star Wars: Rebels (2014-2018)

General Thoughts: A solid, fun kid's show for the Star Wars universe. We love seeing a found family.

Strengths: Having the focus on a small core ensemble is a nice change of pace from the anthology structure of The Clone Wars. It also gives us a better sense of how the rebel cells at this point are working on their own with barely any communication between them. It gives a nice sense of tension when they do meet somebody new to know if they're a friend on an ally.

The characters are what sell it though. As I said, we love a found family and I'm a sucker for any crew that will do anything for each other.

Weaknesses: I hate the animation style, I'm just going to put that out there. I am not a fan of the redesigns of the characters we knew from The Clone Wars and even the characters specifically made for the show and rather lack luster.

But I think the real problem with the show is Ezra. Now don't get me wrong, I like Ezra fine. He's got a good arc. He's can get annoying, but its understandable given where he started vs. where he's going. HOWEVER, I think it was a mistake forcing him to be in every episode of the series. He honestly is pretty bland when you get right down to it. We've seen his arc a million times, meanwhile Kanan is right there with a much more interesting and complicated history along side Hera. Not to mention everything happening with Maul and Obi Wan in "The Twin Suns". That really should have been solely focused on the two of them since it wasn't Ezra's fight at all. But, we had to take time away to cut back to him since he's the main character. Just little things like that take away from the over all quality.

I also do think it was a mistake to bring in Thrawn as a threat in such a kid centered show. Having the target audience be younger isn't a bad thing, but Thrawn is a tactician first who's whole deal is being a magnificent bastard. The fact the Ghost crew is able to get away so frequently speak more poorly of him than well of them.

The Bad Batch (2021- )

General Thoughts: This is the one I haven't actually finished. I watched a few episodes and while there was nothing wrong with it necessarily, it didn't hold my interest.

Strengths: God! The animation is so good in this. I really cannot emphasis how I much I love the animation. I would pay so much money for the crew to go back and reanimate the earlier seasons of The Clone Wars with this quality. Chef's kiss, seriously.

Also, I'm not going to deny that Omega is cute and I will never, ever get tired of that adopted Dad trope. It is too good.

Weaknesses: I just think its boring. It's fairly predictable with it's characters who are over all rather bland. This is baby's Dirty Dozen. If you have seen really any other war movie, you've seen these characters and no exactly what they're about. It's a shame too because I am really curious about the clones and the fall out of Order 66 from their perspective. The issue is, Rex is right there! There are other clones that we know who aren't genetically altered we can focus on and who we know better.

Maybe it gets better later, but ultimately I keep thinking about a better version of this show.

[curedigiqueen]

This year I spontaneously watched Appmon nearly 2 times, and I have thoughts about it. And what better way to acknowledge it than on its 5th Anniversary. (Or 4th anniversary of Our Singularity). I'm planning on at least covering my thoughts on the main 5 kids this month, in an order based 100% on who I want to talk about first.

It's Astra.

I think Astra is generally the least liked Appmon character, or perhaps more accurately, is the character I see the most disdain for. And, honestly, I can understand where it comes from. But he’s my favorite Appmon character actually. In a cast with a non-conventional protagonist, a blackbelt idol, and a hacker, Astra’s “Apptube” is well, just kind of there. Like a more modern version of Eri’s idol career. His personality is clearly meant to be representative of the target audience, the group whose number one career aspiration is Youtuber. So, he’s kind of cringy and kind of annoying, especially to an adult audience. I get it. But Astra’s a character I found to have a lot of stuff going on.

I admittedly tend to have a soft spot for the babies of any team, especially if they are assertive enough to keep up with their seniors. And Astra does fit the bill. He’s generally seen to be on equal footing with the others, and his rather aggressive way of talking to the other doesn’t exactly make you think baby of the team. He doesn’t use honorifics, and in general Astra’s referred to in the same terms as Haru and Rei. (As near as I can tell, anyway with my nonexistent Japanese skills, correct me if I’m wrong). The fact he’s in elementary school is a bit more incidental than anything.

We learn the most about Astra’s family and upbringing compared to the other characters, and it is central to his arc. We get a lot of information straightforwardly in the show. He had a lot of pressure on him as the heir to the school, and felt pressured to act the part of the perfect heir. Throughout the show we see him struggle with the pressure of being the heir. As a child he was extremely dedicated to following his father's footsteps. He didn’t seem to see himself as anything other than the heir to his father's school. He seemed set apart from other children, seemingly due to the closed-off way he acted. This dedication to being a good heir was to the detriment of his happiness. Until Musimon came into his life allowing him to loosen up and seek his own happiness. Classic stuff. But Astra is a little more at war with himself than may be obvious by his “annoying” attitude.

While we first learn about Astra suppressing his own eccentricities, in his debut episodes, it’s not until later that we learn about his mother, and learn that this side of his personality didn’t come out of nowhere. His mother is very similar to him, which gives us the question of why he ever became so disciplined in the first place if his behavior isn't out of place in his family, and his mother is a strong advocate for him doing his own thing. In fact, Astra seemed initially a bit embarrassed by his mother when he introduced her to the other Appdrivers. Of course this is almost certainly because his mother calling his friend “pretty” and gushing about her husband and how they met is embarrassing, and even if Astra himself acts just as obnoxious. But even so, he's clearly less respectful towards her. The reasons behind why Astra calls his mother by her first name are unclear, though it doesn't seem to stem from a lack of love for his mother.

But regardless, it helps build the idea that more likely, he was trying to win the approval of people outside his immediate family. After all, as shown in episode 7, it was the assumption that Astra would inherit the school by others that prompted Astra’s response to his father. Even if Astra’s father does have a desire for Astra to inherit his position, he also understands that it's first and foremost Astra’s life to live. Astra however does have a lot of respect for his father and seems to value his opinion immensely, he recognizes that not inheriting the school would be disappointing to his father and does not want to disappoint him. So while I think there is something to be said for Astra’s behavior relating to a desire to impress his father, I don’t personally think it's the origin in its entirety.

Astra over the course of the series is very independent and marches to his own beat, Astra, like Eri, had made the first step to change prior to his introduction, but that doesn’t mean he was already completely different from the boy who acted stiff to prove himself to others. Astra’s second episode deals with him succumbing to peer pressure in his new activity, and his final episode is about not succumbing to his uncle's expectations, the old expectations that kept him down for so long. (But it's also a bit about fulfilling Hinarin’s expectations, expectations he agreed to).

Despite Apptubing being the career choice where Astra does as he pleases, his final episode isn’t about him Apptubing because he wants to but as a way to help someone else. Particularly his cousin. While it isn’t explicitly clear if Astra knows it’s his cousin the fact of the matter is that he’s helping his family through his Apptubing, even if it is something he picked up for himself. (A reasoning perhaps parallels Eri’s reasons for being an idol, wanting to bring smiles to her mom, despite it clearly being something she herself enjoys). His care for his family is exactly the reason he continues to train to be the heir, but that doesn’t mean even if he doesn’t uphold expectations that he can’t be a help to his family.

Astra’s arc deals with expectations vs. a desire to help. Astra in large part is assertive about not having to help other people out and doing his own thing, recognizing he doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want to. But his actions consistently betray his care for others. I think this is most evident in the way Astra acted as if he wasn’t going to help Eri out with her elections, but did so anyway, even if he antagonized her a bit in the process, but ended up being the proudest of her accomplishments. Not to mention the way he continues to train as the heir, albeit on his own terms. Over the course of the series, he becomes more open with his care towards others, culminating in the jailbreak episode, but he’s always been shown to care. He’s finding that balance between living his own life and helping others.

It’s clear that Astra doesn’t hate being heir at least. He’s extremely determined to do both. And personally, I think it’s very possible that he sees Apptubing as a hobby. He after all proposed the half-hour limit himself. Even at the beginning with his most abrasive. He dutifully kept it to a relatively small impact on his life. For all that it’s brought up as an important element in his life, and he is shown breaking his own rule on occasion without consequence. One of the longest times we see him Apptubing is when he’s helping Eri out. Of course on the flip side of that, we have episode 8 where he breaks the rule because his videos aren't doing as well as he likes, but that's definitely tying back to his desire for people's approval. While he is for lack of a better word, tempted into giving up training to be an iemoto to dedicate himself to Apptubing, it isn’t something he seems to seriously consider at all.

The biggest thing Musimon gave him was not the courage to be an Apptuber, but the courage to be himself. Indulging in Apptubing for fun is merely a small part of that. Astra is still the good heir, but he is no longer letting that define his entire life, sometimes forgoing certain parts of training. But that doesn’t mean that tea ceremony is a bad part of his life. There’s also a certain balance in his personality between the abrasive “annoying” boy at the start of the series and the passive boy prior to the show's beginning. I don’t feel that the polite Astra is completely disingenuous. Astra is capable of acting calm and grounded, and this side of himself becomes more apparent as the series goes on, particularly with Eri who, in contrast to him, throws herself into her idol career with more and more genuine passion. When he supports Eri with his videos but asks her to take a break, which tracks with what we know about his fathers working habits. It’s his final focus episode where he is shown to be acting, more in someone else's interest, and even shown to be a bit embarrassed by it. In contrast to an Astra who even in episode 19, was not taking much seriously. I think it’s only fair to say Astra did genuinely inherit some of his father's more grounded and dutiful nature.

And while earlier I did say Astra’s age feels incidental, I don’t think that is to say it has no bearing on his role in the story. It's part of the reason Eri is so dismissive of him at first, Sure, the other’s treat him as equal, and are in no way particularly protective of him, nor do they expect him to be any less capable than him. But this isn’t to say Astra’s relative youthfulness isn’t apparent when with the others at least in the beginning. Astra is definitely on the more immature side of things, he after all is the one who started the rivalry with Eri because his ego was bruised (not that Eri's initial dismissal of him was helping matters any). As I said earlier, Astra mellowed as the show progressed and I think it’s a fair assumption to say he’d continue to do so. Not that he’ll lose his energy, but that he’ll be able to act with more maturity and consideration for others. The most common complaint about him I’ve heard is “annoying”, which is understandable. But that’s not accidental, even in-universe (hah), others seem to find him to be a bit much at first at the beginning of the series. His “annoying” personality is him testing the waters beyond the role of dutiful heir he’s always played. He’s annoying because he’s an 11-year-old boy who does not always know how to act in ways appropriate to his situation. He’s the kid of the group. I do understand if that still makes watching irritating. Watching should be fun after all, but it’s more of a matter of opinion than an objective flaw.

Unlike Gatchmon, Offmon, and Dokamon whose personalities seem to clash a bit with their buddies, Musimon and Astra are consistently on the same page, after episode 8. This is exemplified in episode 29, where Musimon runs away for fun rather than because he wants something from Astra, and Astra is the only partner who seems to have not been worried, recognizing what Musimon was doing. Of course, their fight in episode 8 was about Astra not being true to himself, thus naturally conflicting with the one who is on the same page as his true self. Musimon shares Astra’s high energy but caring nature. I’m not an expert on the Japanese language by any means, but there is something notable about the fact Musimon uses “Boku” to Astra’s usual “Ore”. Musimon and Astra are without a doubt very similar, the only difference in their demeanors being Musimon is perhaps a bit less confrontational. If Musimon being Astra’s buddy says anything about Astra, it’s probably that Astra is by his nature not quite as aggressive as he seems. Which for someone who clearly used to takes people's opinions of him to heart, seems about right.

Astra’s arc is all about expectations, expectations as an Apptuber, and as the heir. Astra living up to, or disregarding expectations based on what he believes is best. Living the life he wants to live.

Some final observations from me in regards to Astra, is that he’s paired with Fakemon for God Grade. While it’s probably in part just how things worked out logistically, it also makes a bit of sense as a foil. Fakemon is constantly being disingenuous, while a huge part of Astra’s arc is being true to himself, while also fulfilling other people's expectations of him. Also of note, Entermon is described as a Digimon who exists wherever you can find culture something that is particularly relevant to Astra.

While being biracial is not directly important to the story, it’s not incidental and clearly is thematically related to him being trapped between the traditional and the modern Japan. While in story Astra’s story is simply about outside expectations of inheritance, It’s possible to read Astra prior to the series as trying to overcompensate for his foreign mother in the eyes of the people at his father’s school. This is something I find notable considering that Appmon’s assistant producer, Akari Yanagawa, went on to become the producer of 2019’s Star Twinkle Precure, a season of Precure notable for the franchise's 2nd biracial cure, whose personal arc more obviously alluded to racism than Astra's, though still very indirectly.

[jjba-hell]

Repaid

Day 3 and its time for some spaghetti western shenanigans.

Listen... I don’t like Westerns but I did have way too much fun writing this so do with it what you may.

Reader stays gender neutral in this house, no real warnings save for some guns and violence. Enjoy.

The dull ache in your right eye socket is really starting to get you. You’d figured you could sleep it off if not for the scratchy material of the tavern sheets under your skin.

Wait.

How did you get to the tavern again? Last time you checked Miles was a few days behind you and he had the money. The plan was to camp.

Camp... camp... oh right camp! You sat up to look for anyone else awake- someone should be on watch but there’s no dying campfire beside you. There was nothing beside you, not even a horse to say you’d been left behind. All that stretched around you was an infinite amount of desert sand painted pale blue by the full moon above you.

“Shit.” You hiss out between your teeth as you push yourself up on your feet. Not even so much as a sleeping mat was underneath you and god this stupid eye of yours was foggy. Must be some sand caught in your eye- wouldn’t it scratch though?

You didn’t have much time to consider pondering as a shadow- that’s the best you could describe it- pushed its shoulder through you and continued a sluggish walk ahead of you to fuck knows where.

“Where are you going?” You found yourself asking with a voice much too hoarse to be your own. Not only was it hoarse but it brought awareness to just how dry and cracked your mouth and throat were. If you’d been out here since sundown or ever before that your throat was probably bleeding. Might explain the taste.

Without feeling like you had much choice you started walking after the shadow. The longer you walked the worse every annoying itch turned into an ache- the scratchiness in your throat only seemed to get worse the more you huffed a breath to continue walking. If you were following death, honestly you’d just laugh.

After what felt like hours you were no longer alone- a few other figures much like the one you were following seemed to join you in blindly walking after the leader. You couldn’t see much of them either, not that they were close enough to look at anyway. The town’s dull yellow lights seemed to brighten every step you took but it wasn’t enough to convince your body to cooperate. The closer you got, the heavier your limbs, the harder the steps until your knees gave out under you and your face acquainted itself with the dirt.

All you could remember after that was the feeling of hands clasping themselves under your arms and your feet dragging behind you.

“That’s the only memory I have of that night. I had no idea I even spoke to you.” You admitted to the man whose saddle you were slung over. “So unless you plan on selling yourselves out for a little bounty money I don’t see why this is fucking necessary.”

When you’d woken up from that night you found yourself more coddled than you’d ever been in your life- swaddled in soft sheets and even softer pajamas, wrapped up in bandages like you were a porcelain doll.

Didn’t last long and now you owed this gang money for your stay and a doctors visit. You promised you’d pay them back but you didn’t have a fucking penny on you. Their solution? Tying your hands in front of you and slinging you over the saddle of the one with the weird eyes.

“You admitted to being from the McRoys gang- that’s loyalty bonded by blood.” The gruff voice above you commented, not doing anything to qualm the painful pounding your stomach was getting from the horse’s steps.

“My sister married a McRoy for fuck’s sake, those fucks don’t mean shit to me!”

“Swear that on ya daddy’s grave?” Came the question after some audible hooves clambering to get closer to your head.

“I’ll do ya one better- I’ll put ‘em in his grave and THEN swear they ain’t mean shit to me.”

Their boss slowed down to a stop and you’ve never wanted to slide headfirst into the sand more than you did in that moment. “This the place?”

You were hauled off of the horse and onto shakey legs. True as hell you stood at the sign for the McRoy ranch and to even a bigger surprise your goddamn horse stood at the troth drinking water with your saddle on and all.

“Why you fucking- untie me right now.” You held your bound wrists at the giant man that had lifted you off.

He only gave an amused huff of air from his nose as he cut you free so you could stomp through the hot sand on bare feet.

“And you leave me? After hauling you out of your fucking mother all those years ago, I topple off you once and you fucking high-tail it?” You angrily grab the knapsack from its back to rummage through for some clothes- wasting no time to slip over your head and over your ass to replace the pajamas.

“Are you sure you were riding alone?” The brunette with the ponytails asked.

“Yeah. I don’t even remember why I toppled, let alone where or how..” You peered at the team once more. “My boots?”

They all seemed to share a laugh as the blonde coughed it up and you humiliatingly stepped straight in them.

“Right. So now that we’re all on equal footing... what do you really want from me?”

Being an outcast in any group was difficult, LaSquadra was no different. You’d have to risk your skin more than once to finally be able to earn even a bit of trust from their boss specifically and what you’d deem your cut was quickly snatched up by Formaggio for drinks until one day Risotto handed you your cut of coin and instead of quietly handing over the money, pulled a gun at Formaggio’s head- the first right move you’d pulled in weeks.

You’d soon learn each of them held a bounty over their heads- deciding to stick together instead of trying to haul each other’s asses to the nearest sheriff. And with your handiwork all over the McRoy ranch heist (clean as you’d tried to keep it), you’d find yourself with a bounty almost comparable to Risotto’s.

It was only when your place among them was solidified that you found yourself suggesting more and more outlandish schemes for a bigger cash grab.

“But we gotta start thinking logically about this- if we burn down every sheriff’s office there’d be no evidence to incriminate us.” You had jabbed at Illuso as you two ducked under an overturned table. One moment you were offering a stand off in the town square, the next thing you knew the bar was being blown sky high by some awfully desperate lawmen.

Risotto’s bullwhip slid across the shattered glass from the neighboring table and that what all signal you needed. “And all of this because ONE wanted poster showed you having a mole on your upper lip.”

“Did you not see the size of that thing??”

Risotto kicked the overturned table to slide into the crowd- leaving you enough of a gap to between the bullets to crack the whip into a couple hands- those viper venom soaked bone shards woven into the end was doing enough damage to the holder’s hand to knock ‘em out of the game for the count.

You got enough of them down to give Ghiaccio the chance to fire a few shots and Melone to bust open the window where Pesci awaited with your way out.

Risotto slid in behind your table and handed the loaded pistol for your round of shots. Not that you missed half as much as the men your travelled with.

Your right eye never did stop being foggy- Melone suspected cataracts but you saw targets much too easy with your foggy eye to cover it up completely. Maybe you were taking “deadeye” too literally though.

After 5 out of 6 rounds now lodged firmly in some lawmen’s thighs you hopped out the window last and took off after the rest of your team.

“If we have to pay for one more bar’s repairs I swear to god I’ll turn myself in for a hanging.” Formaggio huffed as he dropped onto the dusty floor beside you- fingers outstretched for the bottle of moonshine you were only passing around- that shit was vile.

“They’ve been hot on our trail for a while now- you think the townspeople are sick of us?”

“Somehow I doubt they’re willing to take their chances with Ciocolatta’s cronies, must be something else.” Prosciutto lowered himself to your other side, offering a cigarette which you did accept. “You don’t think it’s the new governor?”

“That little blonde pipsqueak? No, there’s no way- he probably got that job from his daddy and doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing, let alone getting lawmen to run us down this consistently. Illuso, you’re the one making people squeal when we stay in town, no rumors that could have sparked this?”

“Carne’s allegedly dead but he’s not big enough for the people to let their guards down now.”

“Well we might be finding out soon.” All your heads spun to Risotto as he walked back into camp from the first watch. “There’s someone coming this way.”

“I’m guessing you think we can take them?”

“Sick of running. Anyone who’d come this far after us at least deserves an audience.”

You’d packed everything up except the fire in the camp- if it was going to be a shootout, at least you’d be ready to leave. You were about to mount your horse when Risotto stopped you. “I’m gonna let you stand up front-“ he handed you his bullwhip and two more casings of ammo. “If anything goes south, you’re our best shot.”

So you nodded and led your horse to the front, the others waiting behind you as the group- matching your own in numbers- came to a stop.

“You calling the shots?” The one with long white hair cascading under the brim of his hat asked.

“Nah- just the front line. What you come out all this way for? The moonshine’s shit unfortunately.”

“Precaution. We’re not here for any arrests, though.” Mr Black Bob came to his partner’s defense- the rest only seemed to wait.

“No arrests? You say that with a lawman right next to you?” You gave a nod to Mr Moonhair.

The click of a pistol had the hairs on the back of your head stand up. You didn’t know from which side it came from but it was like a cascade of 13 other pistols pulling back their hammers.

“Perhaps we should talk before we jump to conclusions. Name’s Bucciarati.”

“Well Bucciarati it sounded like that pistol cock came from your side first. I don’t know if I can trust a bunch of snakes that lie to my face.”

It was surprisingly not Mr Moonhair that removed his revolver from its holster. It was the one with the bandana over his head.

Another cascade of metal slipping from leather as they all pointed at one another, save for you and Bucciarati. “Got some trigger-happy subordinates there, Bucci. Who do you work for?”

“The governor.” All charm had left his voice and now you were left to the stiff formalities of a man serving.

“Ah. So you ARE lawmen.”

“We have no idea what sinister grip you have over the townspeople but it will not continue like this. We’re here for an ultimatum. Disappear from your business and all bounties will drop- no lawman will arrest you and the warrant for your hangings will be dropped.”

“Mhm and if we’re caught doing our usual business?”

“Then all charges are doubled.”

You couldn’t help but give an earnest laugh as you broke the stare off between you and Bucciarati. You leisurely turned around and mounted your horse. Risotto gave you a knowing look as you did, stealing yourself to look into Bucciarati’s ocean blue eyes.

“Do yourselves a favor- go visit Reaverbrooke. Ask some questions... shit if anyone is still there... and get a feel for the service we provide. Make sure you report all of that to the little blonde boy’s boot you’re lickin’ and maybe then we can talk on ultimatums.”

The barrels lowered as you spoke, watching Bucciarati keep up his attempt at a death stare.

“But since you’re lucky, you’re dealing with the bleeding heart of this gang- we’ll lay low until you come back to us. Same time next week?”

Bucciarati wasn’t given much time to answer as you led your squad out of the camp. Once enough distance was put between you, Risotto came up beside you.

“You’re leading us to their base? What are you mad?”

“Someone’s gotta put that pipsqueak back into his place. Who better than us?”

[battle-of-alberta]

OCtober: Cal and Ed

It’s finally over. I’m sorry for the delay but stuff has been Happening. If there’s a tourism site that attracts you more to one city or the other, let me know.

Calgary | Edmonton

Below is some meta stuff about the ‘research’ (if you can even call it   that, it was more of a vibe check) I did for re-doing the profiles. Read  on, if it intrigues you. And I gotta mention there’s a bonus rabbit hole I went down for Calgary’s self-image that is. Well. A Lot.

Major Cities: Calgary and Edmonton

We made it team, the heart of the Battle of Alberta, the major city rivalry that defined generations. Calgary is the largest city in the province and the centre of southern Alberta, a young, fast-paced major city that oscillates wildly between boom and bust and is attracting both attention and employees from the traditional major cities in Canada. Edmonton is the capital of the province and the the most northern major city with a metro population of over one million on the continent, a little older and more blue collar, somewhat more stable economically, and quickly rising to meet the challenges presented by open data and sustainable urban planning. And, as we know, they've been antagonizing each other since the 19th century, but collaborating as well.

Website Round Up Premise

While I was revisiting these character profiles, I took a look at how cities represented themselves on their municipal sites and tourism sites rather than how cities were represented in the news or in stereotypes, as the latter already tend to live in the back of my head. I was interested to see who the target audiences for each city were, what they considered their strengths, and how much effort each city put into putting its own identity on display. I was also interested into what ideas sort of fed into any pre-existing confirmation bias I had about each city's personality as well as interested in what narratives might be used to counteract negative stereotypes.The first thing I tended to notice was the overall information architecture of each city's website. How easy were they to navigate? What kinds of information did they have? How did they organize it? How did they communicate that information?

Out and About

There's a sharp difference between the websites of major cities from other cities. They are very careful to separate the corporation of 'The City of' from the cities we might know, and therefore both websites have a much more business-like tone and more distance from their civic identities. This means no traditional "About" pages as other cities might have.

At the time I'm visiting, Edmonton's page has some ADORABLE art of a nuthatch that's making me very homesick. Calgary has a seasonally appropriate snowy skyline.

Calgary does have an "Our Organization" tab which describes the City as a corporation, and likewise Edmonton has a "City Government" tab that performs a similar function. Edmonton's is in alphabetical order which is only a little annoying and Calgary's reads like a very perfectly chunked business portfolio that doesn't... really say as much as it looks like it does, but it does get bonus points for vision/organization/accessibility.

I have never seen a more concise history of Calgary in my life. It's literally three bullet points and a couple of bracketing sentences, but it does do the job. Calgary is, more or less, what it says it is (although I do take slight issue with its self identification as a trading post - it may have functioned that way but that was not what it was founded for and in fact the trading companies gtfo'd asap in those early days). It goes on to paint a very good sketch of the city in as few lines as possible in the text, and there's a little video at the end that feels like it was voiced over in 1988 even though it's clearly not.

Edmonton's City government page is even vaguer. Let's make a more dynamic and resilient Edmonton shall we, the page suggests. Resilient against What Exactly, I wonder. Winter? The boom-bust? Calgary? who knows. The majority of the sub pages are even more mysterious and essentially paint the picture of a city. It's a normal city. Trust us. We do city things. Here is exactly how government works and how to raise and lower a flag. In Edmonton, which is, in fact, a city.

I'm begging you if you think Calvin is hokey and annoying please read the Our Culture page and see it's EXACTLY how I intended to portray him because it's eXACTLY what it's already like. "The Four C's of Our Culture" give me a break.

Edmonton offers me a picture of the skyline and says "City of Opportunity: City of You". I suppose this is true. I don't know what it means. I fear slightly for its intentions.

I keep seeing "Calgary: A great place to make a living, a great place to make a life" and it's like. Stop! I won't go! You can't make me! (and again the Strong and Resilient Calgary. these kids are always catching colds because they don't eat properly.)

Although Edmonton makes literally zero attempt to define itself (outside perhaps the official symbols page hidden under Facts and Figures), what strikes me is that it is portraying itself as a very future-oriented city, which, when I was growing up we really never were. We were an inward city constantly wishing we were somewhere else which is partially still true, and we were a city with such an intense nostalgia (that unlike Calgary we failed to really capitalize on) that grated roughly against a complete failure to preserve history. It does kind of make me glad that the city is looking towards the future and just like, acknowledging basic realities (like snow) and trying to involve people in urban planning more (and throughout the website the city LOOOOVES to share data which I also called, haha). There's also an adorable animation of the city road map in its strategic planning pages. It's interesting that for a city that leaves itself up to your own interpretation, it does have a LOT of information about itself collected and available.

Tourism

Oddly enough, neither city has substantially changed their tourism homepage to accommodate COVID-related staycation plans, although each does mention that many things may be closed or unavailable as a result of the pandemic.

CaLGARy, Be PaRT of THe EnERGy!!

I like how Edmonton's self-presentation is "original" and "we do things differently". It's like a Keep ___ Weird thing but in an understated self-assured way that makes me laugh a little. Like yeah, I guess we are kind of different, I guess we're just not used to seeing that as a good thing.

In the tourism guides there isn't much to say about Calgary's that isn't just "oh, classic Calgary" but I do think the fact that they have "quick facts" to explain what timezone it's in and what currency they use is adorable to say the least. also the title of the guide is CALGARY (and the canadian rockies) and that sums up Calgary pretty well, which I'll elaborate on more.

I actually can't find Edmonton's guide, if it has one, but that's ok. The website hits all the buttons that I would and I actually use exploreedmonton quite frequently because it has a nicer event calendar than the city website does, which is important in a place nicknamed Festival City. I really appreciate how things are organized by month/season and even down to "what's happening today/tomorrow/this week" because it makes planning trips for my visitors easy, so now you know my secret : ) I wish I could just beam this site directly into people's brains when they mention "oh yeah thats where the mall is" when I say I'm from Edmonton.

Interestingly enough it's Calgary's turn to be vague, which I can only assume is part of its "exactly what it says it is" charm. This desperation to find a shred of self-description outside of things to do and places to stay led me down a rabbit hole I will elaborate on in a moment that truly showed me I Knew Nothing about how deep Calgary's branding goes. Otherwise, the website is very practical and functions more like an answer to questions you had about the what and the how and less so the why.

Also, the "Locals" page on Calgary's site has tips on hosting friends and family from around the province safely during the pandemic which is kind of cute. Edmonton doesn't really have a local page (i guess because if we had a hashtag like #loveyyc we'd ruin it)

Bonus: The Rabbit Hole

I wondered why Calgary's tourism page, which I expected to be the most in your face description of the city possible, fell kind of flat. I learned this seems to be because tourists are not the target audience that Calgary wants to attract. It's companies and corporations, and they get their own page.

Boy oh boy do they get their own page

This led me down this frightening path of getting validation like being repeatedly punched in the face by what On Brand Calgary truly means and I'm frankly quite speechless about it - all I can say is that you need to see it for yourself.

The tourism site gestures to a Billion reasons why you should hold your next meeting in Calgary and here is where the self definition as Big City Energy and Western Hospitality starts kicking the tires and lighting the fires. Likewise with the media-oriented page. Suddenly stuff like the Calgary Bucket List starts popping up and I can't help but go hang on, why not suggest this to tourists?

"It's cowboy spirit, but also refined and cosmopolitan" [sighs into hands]

Suddenly all the "Calgarians love visitors! Calgarians love the outdoors!" stuff is spilling out like water from a dam here. "Where's Calgary?" [Link that reads FIND US].

Like i literally feel like the tourism side on the left is the Kids Menu, it's the corporate stuff on the right that I'm actually finding the type of information I want on. Eventually, I somehow make my way to Calgary's Destination Strategy which is trying to make Calgary a place that... well, people go. Like, internationally. Like the Olympics but MORE of that.

Then I find the Brand Evolution. Then I find Calgary's Economic Development site. The poetry about rocky mountain prairie skies and "where a handshake still means something" starts to reach its peak.

Then back through the tourism site I find the video. And the video makes me shake because it suggests the premise of The Powerpoint.

The Powerpoint. I cannot summarize the powerpoint in any meaningful way or how my emotions were a rollercoaster further and further up and down the longer i scrolled. Everything I know and suggest about Calgary seems to be unequivocally true, including the sense that Calgary as a person is the sort of person who makes powerpoints about his own identity crisis because that's precisely what this is.

And then I get to the part of the powerpoint that suggests I imagine what kind of person the city of Calgary might be (and implied: does that person think about anything other than the mountains???) THEY EVEN DID AN OCEAN PERSONALITY TEST FOR THE CITY I KID YOU NOT

Hi, City of Edmonton, hire me to take an OCEAN test for our fair city. I'm begging you.

[kannra21]

This time I watched Fugou Keiji Balance: Unlimited for real, meaning that all this knowledge I gained about that series from the previous time was just facts coming from different posts on Tumblr. And I got to know a lot about it thanks to you. You guys were a big help in figuring out some of the series' most important aspects, I appreciate your input on it.

Now that I’ve watched both episodes. I’m going to comment on some things I haven’t seen people talking much about, I’ll try giving it some highlight so I hope you enjoy.

1) The millionaire detective *or smtng more than that*-

Many expect the main character of the series to present himself in a way that he says his name and what he does for life, to give us an insight into who he is and to give us a better idea of what to expect of the series. But instead, the first episode opens with "I had a father and I had a mother", the series opens with a tragic story and tells us about the rich person's unfortunate life. Why's that? It's very important for Daisuke's character. Because, as we go through the series, the author probably predicted that audience would start judging him according to the way he treats people and work, just like Kato always does. The author tries to warn us not to judge a book by its covers. That's why it is so important that the beginning of the series opens this way.

2) Daisuke's and Kato's teamwork-

Daisuke, being a highly classified detective, knows his rights and what he can and can not do, which he exploits a great deal. He can damage people's vehicles and traffic control but he doesn't care, bc he's a detective and bc the law is on his side. He's using this same knowledge to reach his goal faster without wasting time on things that aren't that important, which means, morally or ethically important. Emotions like insecurity, guilt and regret aren't welcomed in this job. Sensitivity to other people's needs before yours are also irrelevant. Traumatizing a mother and a child from almost getting ran over isn't something that he'd preoccupy his mind with too much. He cares about the sufficiency of the mission and working in the favor of the government, as Ryo himself said.

Kato, on the other hand, is different. People come to him in the first place and the most important thing for him is to bring them peace and security, things that all police officers should actually have in mind. He is everything that Daisuke is not.

And when he told him "You're making quite the show here. How are you going to take responsibility for this?", we can notice that something clicked in Daisuke, that he told himself "ugh I went too far I should do something about it". And then he called HEUSC and told him to send reimbursements for DOUBLE the damage costs he caused for certain people. He also gave the Abura Emirate's seventh prince a billion yen when the car didn't even cost that much. So it’s evident that Daisuke does possess feelings like guilt, he just needs to be reminded of it.

The same goes for that scene when he tried to drop the vehicle into the river, Kato reached for the girl and told her to jump out. Daisuke doesn't care if she's a kid or if she's going to explode together with the van. It is important to him to save the rest + the kids are also considered criminals, he will take it upon himself to judge them as they actually deserved it. Kato, unlike him, can't let himself do that, he just can't. That's why he saved her and let her be with Hiroshi again. I love Kato for that.

Maybe Daisuke is a sufficient detective but Kato is there to remind him that the things he's doing aren't ok. He's giving him a sense of morality and ethics and that's why I think they're put together bc they make a great team. And they truly do, the problem is, Kato can't stand him. 😅

3) This funny moment-

I love how Kamei in the second episode found out ab the tragic death of some woman by going through one of his inappropriate sites and he's like: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!"

Kato *annoyed bc he's as well judging him for his perverted ways and lack of devotion towards work*: "Shut up Kamei."

Kamei *big sad*: "It says she died from a drug overdose. That centerfold model Akiko Hoshida..."

Kato: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA??!! SERIOUSLY?"

Which leads me to the conclusion that:

Kato isn't that much different from Kamei.

Kato prefers only a specific type of women while Kamei drolls over every woman who looks even remotely pretty.

Kato has a type because the deceased centerfold model Akiko Hoshida and Suzue look very alike. Kato is also into "innocent" women bc he himself is innocent, as Akira stated. + He knows how to cook, refuses to drink alcoholic beverages during work hours and is actually pretty soft. Kato is more lovable than Daisuke in those aspects.

4) Kato's cluelessness-

Because of being so innocent, Kato doesn't have the ability to criticize others or judge "the way they breathe". He's too good, too considerate, too emphatic. That's why Daisuke's here to break his pretty picture of the world they're living in.

Kato was so easily deceived by the street performers and it was actually funny. Why would they do it otherwise than for money? No one wants to make an idiot out of themselves without a certain price.

He also thought of Suzue as one of them, the drug dealers I mean, acting as liaison. And it made me laugh so much bc he didn't know what's going to hit him. 😂

5) HEUSC-

I love HEUSC so much, this technology stuff is so lit, I wish I had it. It can detect lies, analize time, deduce certain information just from the help of a person's credit card, how much income they have, how much they lost over a couple of days, when and where, what were they buying. It can detect a person, personal information ab where they're from, age and date of birth. It also shows the person's heart rate. It can even work as a magnifier and control the traffic lights, isn't it crazy??

Daisuke's heart rate is always 60 during the whole interrogation. He's so freaking calm.

You also need to understand that Daisuke's session lasted longer than Cho-san's who used weak points such as family members and sense of right and wrong. Daisuke needed some time until their negotiation was done, he gave money to a drug addict in exchange for an information while Cho-san didn't lose anything, he could as well just deceive his suspect and get away with it.

Take into account that Daisuke went through a special training in England so his protocols are different from the normal Japanese ones.

6) Daisuke's jealousy-

Lmao Daisuke is stealing friends. He invited Akira to his own ramen during their Isezaki case.

He said "I can risk my life for Kato" and omg let me tell you, Daisuke became jealous so he made a move and even paid him to get into a costume to lure Kato and the rest of the hooligans to the top.

7) The elevator scene-

Kato standing in the middle of the elevator and Daisuke standing close to the corner as pinned as possible is what made my day. 😂

8) On the rooftop-

Daisuke's heart rate is 72 when shooting from a bazooka in the helicopter. Still too calm but I'd say that he's in a good physical condition considering that he's into boxing.

BTW he accidentally shoot towards Kato bc his target wasn't detected, it only wrote "primary target", he didn't do it on purpose.

But the sole thought of "stank needs to be eliminated" gets me every time. 😂

9) Daisuke joining the MCI-

Daisuke circled around the topic and refused to give the answer about why he decided to become a detective by redirecting the conversation towards Kato.

Let me tell you something, I watched too many crime series to know why he did that.

The reason is very personal.

And at the beginning of the whole anime he introduced himself to us with “I had a father and I had a mother”. I think he's trying to find the culprit for his parent's murder.

10) His lack of sleep-

Although he has lots of money, people like Daisuke tend to afford themselves a nice and cozy sleep. Despite that, Daisuke has as much under eyes as Kato. Which makes me wonder what keeps him awake at night, what's he thinking ab. Is he traumatized in a way? I can't wait for the next episodes to arrive!

Btw while watching the anime I fell in love with Kato even more, such a great character.

[mimssides]

Life on Crow Avenue: Part 2

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___

“And you haven’t acted in front of an audience in years?” Celia asked Roman amazed.

Roman shrugged nonchalantly and told her: “No, I haven’t had the time. But apparently, I haven’t lost my edge. I’d hope I’d get to act some scenes with you the next time, so I could impress you a bit more and see how talented you are yourself.”

The middle-aged woman giggled and her friend in the background rolled her eyes, as she waited for her to finally get to her, so they could go home.

“Oh, you rascals, you! You embarrass me!” Celia said and Roman winked at her.

She then finally bid him goodbye and Roman waved her and the others who were leaving. He had promised to stay back and help to clean the place up. With him it was only Rodriguez, the owner of the little room they could rehearse and meet in, Samantha, the group leader, and Jay.

Why exactly Jay had stayed though, Roman was a little confused about. The man, probably around thirty, had a rather heavy limp on his left leg and needed a stick to get around. But then again, Roman would not go and complain about him staying here. He watched them from the side, while making snarky remarks and banter with Samantha, who answered just as snarkily.

Roman almost dropped the chairs he was carrying as he heard Samantha gasp offendedly after Jay said: “No, of course your recital of Tamara’s monologue was so much more inventive than Jane’s! I mean who else would be able to butcher her lines filled with wit with such a graceful off-beat delivery but you? Definitively, not Jane.”

Grasping, Roman set the chairs down as Samantha appalled herself. He clutched his hand in front of his mouth to stop himself to laugh out loud at the exchange and the sass these two displayed. The dryness and dripping sarcasm in Jay’s words really did it for Roman. Also, it probably didn’t help that he found himself drawn towards the expressive face of his. There was happening so much at once; slight movements of his eyebrows, a little tremble from his lips there and then and the quick darting of his eyes.

So, when they had eventually finished to clean everything up, Roman was not unhappy to find himself left alone in the company of Jay, as Rodriguez and Samantha bid them good night.

With a smile Roman eyed Jay from the side. His attire was simple, black shirt, black slacks and black shoes. And a black bowler hat, which had quite some flair. As of now, he sat on the little wall next to the stairs, holding the top of his cane with both hands. He had slender shoulders and love handles, and Roman assumed that he was about half a foot smaller than him. Maybe a little less, but since he hadn’t seen him standing straight it was hard to guess correctly.

“Like what you see there, Mr. Superstar Actor?” Jay suddenly asked with edge in his voice.

Roman’s eyebrows shot up for a second. He had been caught staring, hadn’t he? Quick he caught himself, put on a smirk and replied: “I can’t say I wouldn’t enjoy it. But I suppose I should leave a little of the astonishing view for the others, huh? Can’t be too greedy, can I?”

Jay’s mouth opened a little and he just looked at Roman for a second, before he closed his mouth with a little chuckle and looked to the side.

“You are a terrible flirt, Mr. Roman. Just terrible,” he commented glancing over to him with a grin he didn’t bother to hide.

Roman wiggled his eyebrows and leaned against the wall next to the entrance door. Jay’s eyes followed him and he liked the attention the man gave him. It felt a little like dancing, acting even.

“You would not believe, but people have told me that before,” Roman said grinning and watched Jay turn his attention to his hands.

“No, really? After seeing you talking so humbly with Celia, I would never have guessed,” Jay said with a sarcastic eye roll, as he reviewed his fingernails with great detail.

Roman felt his lip twitch but managed to keep up a smile, before he answered in a more sincere tone: “I figured she was having fun talking to a younger guy like me. So, I played along. I mean that is what we come to do here, right? Act and have some fun. Not be yourself for a few hours.”

A layer disappeared for a moment. Jay’s oak brown eyes drifted away before they landed on Roman again. A lot reflected in that short look of his, too much for Roman to register, before it had evaporated and coolness took its place.

“Not be yourself for a few hours? Who are you then but an actor?” Jay asked and Roman tilted his head from one side to the other.

“I think, I like it better for you to not know that. Otherwise you had to tell me who you are, if you are not here, and I kinda like you better with a flair of mystery draped around you.”

“Me? Mysterious? Why would you think that?” Jay asked with a glint of mischief in his eyes.

Eloquently Roman stepped away from the wall towards Jay, who observed him curiously. Quick Roman joined his hand behind his back and leaned forwards, just slightly overstepping the edge of Jay’s personal space. Stiff Jay looked into Roman’s eyes and for a split fragment of eternity they lost their train of thoughts. They lost the hold on their masks and lost themselves in the other’s eyes.

Then Roman batted his lashes and smiled smugly.

“Because I like to imagine that I entered the part of my story, where a mysterious man in black, with a stylish cane and bowler hat came to show me a new way of life. An adventure I would never have dreamt of,” Roman said and stepped back beginning to walk backwards down the stairs.

Jay laughed and held his hand over his stomach as he did so. It almost sounded a little like a cartoon villain but Roman caught himself thinking that it was simply endearing.

“And what will your story be? A tragedy or a comedy?” Jay asked as Roman stood on the lowest step and leaned his hand against the pillar by the wall.

A shrug. Roman’s smile faded a little. Turned into something more sincere. More vulnerable. But Jay was too far away to see and Roman grinned again as he answered: “That only time will tell. So, stay tuned! I’m looking forward seeing you again in two weeks! So long Jay!”

Theatrical he bowed and walked away towards his car, hearing the man sputter something behind him. It might have been a Goodbye or a swear for simply walking away. Roman grinned and was happy to find out at their next meeting.

“¡He vuelto!” Roman announced as he entered their apartment over their store and closed the door behind himself.

As usual, there was no immediate response and Roman put his stuff aside before he walked down the hallway. The door to Remus’s room was open and the light was turned on. Relaxed Roman looked inside and found quite the surprise.

Remus sat on his bed, a pile of books sitting in front of him on which he had placed a hand mirror. Next to that strange set up was the little vanity box, which was opened and several brushes and powder puffs were scattered around Remus, who was currently applying a layer of lilac eyeshadow around his eyes.

Roman stared at him with big eyes. He also wore a neon yellow tank top, over it a pine green shirt with funky pink, purple and orange spirals and zigzag patterns on it, which he hadn’t buttoned but tied the bottom part together. And to add to the eccentrics, he also wore the pale blue pair of dungarees, the carriers not put over his shoulders but letting them hanging by his sides.

Finally, something reminded Roman of the fact that he himself was in fact alive and he should probably ask his brother what all of this meant. He shook himself out of the trance, reached for the light switch next to the doorframe and pressed it twice to get Remus’s attention. Remus let his brush sink down and looked over to Roman.

“Oh, you’re back from practice?” Remus asked and looked at him intently.

“Yes!?” Roman said and signed giving him a poising look. “And you’re putting make up on?”

“Obviously. Also, you need to get changed. We’re going out tonight. I’ve put something out for you,” Remus said unimpressed and motioned for him to get into his room and start getting ready.

“We’re what!?” Roman signed looking absolutely thrilled if though confused.

Remus sighed and rolled his eyes. A little too shyly for his brother to not be suspicious he answered: “The guy from the tattoo studio next to us came by and invited us to go to the jazz club down the street. The bookworm is also there and apparently the pet store dude plays in the band there? I don’t know. Something like that.”

Roman marched in with the most shit-eating grin and let himself drop down onto Remus’s bed. Teasingly he wiggled his eyebrows and signed: “This guy from the tattoo studio wouldn’t happen to be astoundingly hot, huh?”

Annoyed Remus shoved Roman to which Roman only giggled and led to Remus shoving him even harder so he actually fell from the bed. But Roman only laughed louder and Remus had to kick him to the shin to stop his laughing.

“Hey!” Roman cried out, which in return made Remus laugh and his brother pout miserably.

“Don’t make that face! You knew that I’d do that if you’re just being a little brat,” Remus defended himself and let his legs dangle from the bed side.

Roman rubbed his shin, pouted a little more but then gave in and signed: “Fine, but is this actually about him? And what’s his name? And what in gods name do you want me to wear?”

Remus circled his shoulders and jumped to his feet. He stretched his hand out to Roman, helped him up and motioned him to follow him, while explaining: “The name’s Patton. Pastel punk. The guy has cyan hair and it looks kinda rad. Also, he blushes very hard and that makes him a fun target to mess with.”

Remus stopped in front of Roman’s door and let him enter first, curiously waiting for his brother’s reaction. Roman walked inside and before he could inquire more about the blush-y, kinda rad guy, he spied the clothes on his bed and clicked his tongue. White t-shirt, his favourite red jacket and black slim fit jeans. While the top part was fine, he was not so sure about the jeans.

He just shot a look back to Remus, who immediately rolled his eyes and gesticulated avidly nagging: “Don’t look at me like this! They fit you very well and they are not too small. Just put them on.”

“But I’ll look fat!”

Remus let his shoulders slump and pinched the bridge of his nose. He wished he didn’t have to have this conversation as often as they did, but here they were.

“Ro, you are fat,” Remus began for the zillionth time as gently as his tense nerves allowed it, “and that is fine. It’s nothing bad. Stop telling yourself that it’s bad. And those jeans will not make you look any bigger than you are. They’ll just compliment your legs and backside and hide the zones you want to hide.”

Roman still looked unsure and Remus sighed and put his hand on Roman’s shoulder. Gave it a squeeze and made sure that he looked into his eyes before he spoke again.

“Do I look like I want you to embarrass me in front of the possibly most attractive pastel punk I’ve ever met?”

A chuckle spurted out of Roman’s mouth. Remus knew now that he would try. That he would be fine.

Yes, Roman would be fine and tonight they would have some fun, with a pastel punk, a bookworm and the jazz playing pet store guy.

___

@aprincehasgotoslay

@varthandi

@sickeningly-deceitful

@sammy-is-obsessed / @exhaustedfander

@unoriginalgayboyalex

@alexisrealgay

@softie-sushi

@wolfs-feder

@just-a-neoclassical-painting

For this fic: @frawkeye, @arodynamic-enby, @espepspes, @ladysuperheros, @bullet-tothefeels, @fukindork, @shadeofadye, @magic-but-its-green, @liv-is-a-fander

[anotherkindofmindpod]

I’d love for you guys to have Mark Lewisohn on your show just to grill him. As someone who’s experienced workplace bullying and sexual assault, that he would go so far as to paint Klein as “heroic” when he said things like “reluctant virgin” is just so devastating to me. It makes me feel ill. I do NOT want this man to have a say in Beatles history. I love the Beatles. I don’t want that tainted by people who will paint over abuse just to feed their own self importance.

We vehemently agree, Listener!  Thank you for writing in.

Our list of grievances with Mark Lewisohn is long, but in a nutshell we believe his intent is to publicly “redeem” John Lennon and we have seen copious evidence that he will go to whatever lengths he has to in order to do this. 

That includes, but is not limited to: 

Claiming that readers of his Tune In Series may consider Klein the “hero” of the Beatles break-up

Deliberately spreading the demonstrably false lie that John (and Yoko) did not have a significant heroin problem in the late 60s and early 70s (Lewisohn suggests Cold Turkey is just John playing make believe)

Displaying unapologetic favoritism by using glowing terms to portray John and Yoko as the world’s most perfect romance, as opposed to Paul and Linda, whose 29-year marriage he dismisses as “conventional” and motivated by appearances (namely Linda’s pregnancy, even though it was planned) and Green Card needs

Stating that he could tell from watching the infamous “it’s a drag” clip that Paul was kind of sad, but primarily annoyed at how much positive attention John was getting on the day of his murder

Apparently suggesting to an audience of his Power Point Show that Paul maybe stole a leg off Yoko’s bed (the bed she had delivered and built in the Beatles’ recording studio, mind you), a personal “theory” which is based on the fact that Paul later wrote a song called “Three Legs” (you know that song: “My dog, he got three legs, like the bed you inappropriately brought into Abbey Road 2 years ago which I secretly vandalized behind your back because I have nothing better to do, am certainly not busy writing the Beatles Swan Song and don’t have a fucking 7 year old at home or anything”)

This isn’t even to mention Tune In, which could be a whole separate post and episode. Suffice it to say, this book often reads less like a Beatles biography and more like John Lennon Fanfiction to us.

Lewisohn managed to distinguish himself by doing (some) research and unearthing some original documents. That he had some skill in research is not surprising given that he started his career in Beatledom as a researcher for Norman, on his book Shout — which Lewisohn still contends is a good book. Norman, on the other hand has evolved his opinion of his own work and thinks Shout was flawed, so has written a whole biography on Paul to make up for what he sees as the failure of Shout, which is his underestimation of Paul. Unfortunately, Lewisohn does not seem to have made this same journey. He pays lip service to John and Paul being equal, and then spends all of his time and energy trying to prove otherwise. Norman says that he has created a monster in Lewisohn. We take his point.

One of our biggest issues with Lewisohn is that he vigorously promotes himself as an unbiased truth teller, and his calm manner seems to telegraph this. But it is not true. The research that Lewisohn does and the spin that he applies to his findings are all heavily biased. As we mentioned in one of our episodes, he travelled to Gibraltar simply to experience where John and Yoko got married. Yet when Paul calls the May 9th meeting over management the metaphorical cracking of the Liberty Bell, Lewisohn doesn’t even bother to Google it so he can understand the metaphor.

What he chooses to research is also a form of bias. For example, we at AKOM are very interested in Paul’s relationship with Robert Fraser during the Beatle years — since Paul has commented that Fraser was one of the most important, influential people in his life. Paul McCartney was the concept artist behind Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, the Magical Mystery Tour film, the iconic Apple logo, and he co-designed the covers of the White Album and Abbey Road.  All of these are pretty defining moments in the Beatles’ career.  As Beatles fans, we’d like to know more about Paul’s art education and influences. But we would be shocked if Lewisohn dug into Fraser at all beyond his relationship as John and Yoko’s gallerist/curator (and heroin dealer, but since that isn’t a thing in Lewisohn’s world then maybe he will be ignored).

We think Lewisohn benefits massively from the fact that Beatles authorship was like the Wild West since its inception, when everyone with a connection to the Beatles (plus or minus a personal axe to grind) wrote a book about their experience. It was absolute chaos, with no rules, no checks and balances, uncredited sources, etc. Just an absolute shit show.  What Lewisohn did was bring some order to the chaos with some proper documentation. But again, what he chooses to dig into often reflects bias. And this certainly does not mean that he is intellectually or emotionally equipped to interpret his findings. Doing this takes social intelligence and insight, which is a very different skill. As a creator of myths, he is no better (and no more insightful or original) than many of the others who came before him; he worships John Lennon and freely admits it. He is not even close to being unbiased.  But in this dumpster fire of a fandom he has at least checked some boxes and done some digging.  The fact is, the bar has been so low for so long that Beatles fans don’t even know how to expect or want better.  But WE certainly expect better.  We expect some breakthrough, fresh thinking.  Not just Shout with Receipts.

We think it’s significant that Lewisohn was deeply disliked by George Harrison, who lobbied to get him kicked him off the Anthology project. He was fired from Paul’s fan club magazine, and yet no one seems to think he might hold a grudge about that, too?  Lewisohn so distorted John and Paul’s relationship in Tune In that he believes he is the target of the lyrics in Paul’s song “Early Days.“  And he either thinks that’s flattering or funny, because Lewisohn seems to truly believe he knows John Lennon better than Paul McCartney does.  We find it almost tragic that Paul is so bothered by the way his experience and relationship is being portrayed by authors (perhaps Lewisohn) that he wrote a song about it. In it, he conveys his frustration and heartache about how everything is misconstrued and we find it absolutely outrageous that Lewisohn would not take this to heart.  Perhaps Lewisohn thinks Paul should listen to him for a change? And if he doesn’t like it, then tough, because Lewisohn knows better? We think Lewisohn should do some serious soul-searching about “Early Days” because if one of his main subjects is saying, “you are getting it wrong and it is breaking my heart”….maybe, just maybe, he should listen and rethink things.  Maybe apply a little creativity, out-of-the-box thinking and empathy. This is what his heroes did.

Meanwhile, Jean Jackets are SO BUSY complaining that Paul McCartney doesn’t like Lewisohn because he “tells the truth!” that they fail to notice that Lewisohn has become a mouthpiece for Yoko Ono.  He has already started white-washing John Lennon’s history, promoting John and Yoko as the true and only geniuses versus Paul as the craven, small-minded Lennon disciple who (through no virtue of his own) was born with the ability to write some nice tunes.  Lewisohn’s version of John, on the other hand, is ALWAYS a sexy, visionary genius on the right side of every issue.  He even went out of his way to recently trash Paul’s early 70’s albums, which -in addition to being obnoxious and we believe wrong (since we love them)- is totally outside his purview.

Lastly, to address your original point, Lewisohn’s claim that Klein may be viewed as the “hero” of his Beatles History reveals that he hasn’t shown sufficient empathy or interest in Paul’s experience.  This claim at best ignores and at worst condones the fact that Klein was an abusive monster to one of the two founding members of the Beatles.  As we discussed in Episode 4, Klein was a criminal who bullied Paul in his creative workspace, disrespected Paul in his own office in front of his own employees and actively pitted Lennon against McCartney for years.  It’s hard to imagine ANYONE who inflicted more damage on the Beatles and Lennon/McCartney than Allen Klein.  In addition to the wildly inappropriate “reluctant virgin” nickname, he verbally threatened to “own Paul’s ass” (to which Paul responded “he never got anywhere near my ass”). Klein was so disrespectful to Paul and Linda’s marriage he pitched the idea of procuring “a blonde with big tits” to parade in front of Paul to lure him away from Linda and destroy their relationship.  Let’s also never forget that Klein contributed lyrics to the song “How Do You Sleep.”  Allen Klein literally gave Paul nightmares.  Anyone who so much as pretends to care about Paul’s break-up era depression (including his alcohol abuse, his inability to get out of bed and his terrifying sleep paralysis) would not champion Allen Klein.

Yes, Klein is a human being and therefore has his own POV, same as anyone else.  But a Beatles biographer is beholden to four points of view only: John, Paul, George and Ringo.  And when an outsider is openly hostile to one of the Beatles and damaging long-term to all of the Beatles, it is beyond inappropriate to portray him as a hero.  This type of comment, made publicly to an audience of Beatles fans, invalidates and seeks to erase the real trauma inflicted on Paul McCartney by Allen Klein, and we think Lewisohn should apologize for his comments.

Instead, Lewisohn’s current buddy is Peter Brown, whose book, The Love You Make so offended and angered Paul and Linda that they literally burned their copy (and photographed it burning for good measure).  This information doesn’t appear to bother Lewisohn in the least. Why not?

George referred to Norman’s Shout as “Shit.” But Lewisohn thinks it’s a great book.  Why?

How any Beatles or Paul or even George fans tolerate Lewisohn is baffling to us; we don’t recognize a real human being in his version of Paul, and his version of John is a superhero rather than a man.  We suspect that fans have come to accept the traditional story and at least appreciate some properly-documented facts. 

But as we are constantly trying to demonstrate on our show, just because the story has always been told one way, doesn’t mean it’s right.  Because in the end, Mark Lewisohn has no special insight. He wasn’t there. He is a guy who bought into a narrative during the Shout era, and is cherry picking his findings to support it.You can find a discussion of Lewisohn here

[rosyk]

Devil’s Waltz

pairing: hwang hyunjin x reader

genre: romance, enemies to lovers, royalty setting

warnings: very uncomfortable moments, mentions of dagger and idea of r*pe or untolerable behaviors

word count: 2.4k

a/n: This was meant to be posted on valentines day but it took longer than I thought because this royal set up was new to me. Have fun reading! (I’d also like to thank you for the 42 likes I’ve gotten on my previous story, ily<3)

“Now’s the time,” I thought as I looked at the sparkly red wine placed on my right hand. I raised an eyebrow and half-smiled at the red ruby jewel on my finger, given by marquis Augustus as a sign of my royalty.

I was wearing a sheer lace flutter sleeve evening gown in shades and tints of plain red. The design only appears at the bottom of its sleeve as the rest goes plain. Unnoticeably, the dark portion of red is found at the bottom line of the dress. The high heels were plain black and I wore little earrings so it wouldn’t stand out as much. This might not be the best dress I could find but I do know it matches me like heaven. My curly messy bun with wavy strands of dark chestnut hair on each side complements the overall outfit.

As soon as I stepped into the grand palace, it was indeed remarkably exquisite. As expected of the Prince who holds precedence above all mankind and even other dukes. How marvelous for an irksome sophomaniac.

I started walking away from people but made sure I was meters near my target. My current target was an overly authoritative noble. This was the very first time I loathed a target. He acted so manly and fine during the day but he was nowhere near there. A hypocrite, to hit girls and threaten them until they agree. A man of immoral character.

I’ve heard rumors of his contradictory personality, but not a single thought had crossed my mind for him to be like that. After all, he was this charming tall guy who’d make you blush as soon as your eyes managed to fall on his. His gentle but respectful touches would make you feel so safe, wrapped in his arms. Sincere words that pique your interest and eyes, as described by innocent maidens, were unique and shimmers even in your darkest hours. It does match his name duke Pisén which is derived from Pissenlit, a french term for dandelions. He was known for having eyes, that show dandelions dancing in the night sky.

However, his worshippers were too incautious to leave with a man-too-good despite no one being around. In fact, dandelions never open at night.

I wore a sweet smile as I walked his way. The other nobles he’s been talking to had noticed me as they signaled him. He turned around, eyes slightly widened, and looked at me in awe.

“The Marchioness of Auclair, here you are!” he chuckled lowly and smiled as he opened his arms as a sign of welcome. He was indeed a duke but treated me so highly as if he won a jackpot. What a dullard.

“Your grace” I showed a smile exact to his liking, innocent and delicate. Now, do I look exactly just like your victims, Pisén? Don’t get too ahead of yourself.

“Great timing, I was just talking to the dukes about you” I felt his lewd eyes staring at me from top to bottom and I swore I saw him pressing his lips. I was taken aback by how he went steps closer to me and held my upper arm, caressing it gently. I wasn’t able to move for a second. Usually, he would give girls the space to show his sincerity but his patience ran out this time. I coughed to clear out my thoughts and continued the plan.

“You look lovely and nice” He spoke out as if it was the best pick-up line he gave. I pressed my lips together to hold out my laughter. Seriously? Was that all he got?

“You too, your grace” I complimented for the sake of respect and that’s just it.

We talked after a few minutes until he let his guard down and drank the wine I held. It was poison, as usual. It wasn’t thrilling but he wasn’t even worth holding my blade. He walked out as he was starting to get dizzy. Oh, how boring. I thought of leaving but a man called out to me with a voice unexpectedly attractive. I turned around and saw a heavenly duke in front of me. Now, he was the real deal.

“What a dainty figure for a dauntless marchioness” the sophomaniac spoke

Arriving at the palace of the duc (duke) is something I have to look out for. He was my target a year ago but I wasn’t able to draw out my blade in his room for he was called out. I still believe he has some suspicions after I had disappeared that night. Though, I had no grudges against him.

My job is simply to kill every noble who has a position greater than mines. My goal? It is to be the duchess of all and the only obstacle I would face would obviously be this guy in front of me. After all, he got the highest position. My mother would say the easiest thing to kill a man is to marry him, either break his heart or legally assassinate him. Honestly, I’ve thought of it as well. But why marry someone I hate? He was born with a silver spoon and had no problems as deeply comparable as mine. He is an egoistic, conceited, and enchanting god, Samuel Hwang.

As I bowed for respect, the music played. It was time for the dance and this was what I was trying to avoid. I looked around people who picked up their partners but most were staring at the figure in front of me.

Although I understand why. No words could describe the ethereal beauty of this blonde duke in a suit.

“A lot of your admirers are staring, so could you please get out of my way and ask-“I cut my sentence off as I was trying to process his doing. He showed his hand in front of me and looked at me in the eye. Oh dear, please tell me this isn’t what I think it is.

“Don’t you think the music played at such a good timing?” He raised an eyebrow and wore a smile. Yes, it was the perfect timing, I rolled my eyes mentally.

“Oh, you do know I’d hate to take this dance” He tilted his chin sideways, silently signaling me a lot of people are watching. I sighed and wore a sarcastic smile. “I feel honored you always love to embarrass me in front of people” I added and took his hand as he led me in the middle.

I know how to dance. In fact, that was a necessity before having a royal title. I also have manners, but he doesn’t deserve to be shown some.

I hate how he was genuinely enjoying it as he loved seeing me look so angry. Ah, how annoying. If it weren’t for the audience, I’d gladly draw my dagger out of my dress and murder this man. We were doing a few waltz steps and turns until I stepped on his shoes.

“You did that with pure will, didn’t you?” His eyes slightly widened and narrowed soon after as he slightly tightened the grip on my back, causing both of us to get a step closer.

“If you gave me enough space and didn’t go beyond the boundaries, I wouldn’t have done that, your grace” I mimicked his smile minutes ago and he was clearly ticked off.

“As they all say, keep your friends close, but enemies closer” The crowd starts to fall out and away from us two dancing, after seeing how close we were. Great, was he trying to make me have more girls holding grudges and death wills on me?

“You’re hurting me” I simply stated to let him know I was desperately wishing to blow this palace up and never see him again.

He acted as if he was thinking and sarcastically remarked “Did I complain when you were trying to kill me in my room for the past year?” He smiled as he knew he made a point. How I wish I could wipe it out and never see it in my life once again. If that happened, that could’ve been the best blessing.

“So you knew?” I questioned as he turned me gracefully around the center while the people watching were in awe. They loved the view, unfortunately not knowing the words spoken with nothing but contrasting emotions.

“How couldn’t I, darling?” the duke replied with a smug look. ”you were as transparent as an open book. Even right now, I could say you’re enjoying this dance with me.” He looked at me, acting so all-knowing as if he had known me for years.

“How flattering for a duke to assume that fast. Just because a girl smiles at you doesn’t mean she’s not planning to visit your grave”

“My, my, how unfortunate for a magnificent lady to have quite an indecent mouth” He lowered his head and chuckled in slightly deep and seductive voice girls would swoon over.

“So you do think I’m magnificent?” I backfired and went closer to him, wearing a smug look.

“Oh, I’ve always told you how much I find you beautiful, darling” He went closer until our faces were inches apart. I froze for a few seconds and stared at his eyes, a pity for him to be such a beauty. I found a smirk in his face and that like-what-you-see look which made me go back to earth seconds later.

“Your cocky smirk makes me want to pass away and never see you again, your grace” I smiled sarcastically for only god knows how many times in this day, as I sighed, trying to calm myself down.

“Be my guest then” I rolled my eyes and purposely stepped on his foot once again. “I’m sorry, I’m not used to dancing with someone who’s self-centered and conceited” I emphasized the last 3 words and told him in a low volume, whispering.

“How offensive,” he was simply entertained seeing me so irritated.

“Pardon me once again, I wasn’t aware you were offended by facts. Who wouldn’t want to jump off a cliff after seeing you?”

“But what’s the hold up for, darling? Why wouldn’t you jump off? Do you want me to be the one who will have to push you? I would be pleased to do so”

“If only you knew your grace Hwang, before you could even manage to push me off a high building, I would be the first who’ll come at you”

“Oh really? Because as what I knew, you weren’t able to kill a target last year”

“Someone called you out so you were really lucky” I gripped his hand to calm myself down and to know how much he had pissed me off. In return, he just shot an amusing smile as he looked at both of our hands.

“Just admit that you enjoy dancing with me. In fact, you love the view you’re seeing right now.” I rolled my eyes with a smile after his statement.

“Who would love dancing with the devil? I don’t but I do love having your throat slit and body 6 feet below the ground”

“Brutally fierce, I like that” he winked at me as I stared at him in confusion. Is he mentally unstable? What the hell do I do if I was actually dancing with a lunatic duke?

“But we both know you couldn’t seriously do that” he replied as he held my hand and twirled me around “because why so didn’t you kill me beforehand when we spent several hours in the room? My servant arrived very late in fact. You could’ve had lots of time with no worries. ”he held my back, causing our bodies to press together after the turn. The audience’s eyes had widened and most of them clapped.

My sarcastic smile faded and shifted into a frown. He was surprised by how serious I was with just a statement that he assumed I would take as a joke. I was about to leave the ball but he held my wrist with a startled look. It just took seconds but staring into his eyes made it feel like forever. I stared at him with pure anger and hatred. Something in what he said triggered me.

The facts he spoke infuriated me. Why didn’t I kill him right after the moment? Was it pity? Guilt? I was raised to kill people higher than me so why should I feel guilty? Or was I indeed pity of him when he trusted me? Trust doesn’t belong between enemies.

He got the hint and smiled like he knew everything. “With the way you’re behaving, I would assume you’re madly in love with me” He held his grip on my hand tighter but in a way that it doesn’t hurt.

I tried to clear out my expressions and anything I’m thinking about because he knew me so well even after just little late-night talks. “With the way you’re talking I could assume it was you, with me. But I do know that you’re not, aren’t you, your grace?” I raised my eyebrow and smiled. Though the way I spoke came out as if I was trying to defend myself from the way he’s making me feel and reassured myself nothing’s going to happen.

I recognized the music playing and it was near the last part of Old Russian waltz Sorrow, the last song. It means I had unknowingly been dancing with him for already more than 30 minutes. To think I wasn’t fond of dancing around people, why did I lose track of time?

He led and twirled me around as he smiled “who says I’m not, darling?” I stopped breathing for a second and instinctively held the dagger attached to my leg near the slit. Except, the dagger wasn’t there anymore.

He took me before I could even comprehend the situation. Have I lost it while I was busy talking to Pisén? Or was I waltzing? But I remembered I brought it. Panic arose me and my mind stopped working. Or what if-

We danced a few steps of the fast waltz and he turned me around. He lifted my leg slightly aligned below his hip, making me hold onto his neck and lay on his large hands supporting my back as soon as the last music stopped. He showed me the dagger, making sure others didn’t see him.

“Looking for this?” I was left shocked and as I was about to explain myself, he grinned like a cute kid to make people unsuspicious of all that’s happening. As soon as he leaned and whispered in my ear, his aura changed and I felt the goosebumps. I could feel how cold yet playful he was. He smirked mischievously as he spoke with a deep voice,

“I’m not letting you off this time, milady”

[star-anise]

I think I am having vicarious stress about how immagrint families are being treated at the American border too. Also other horrors happening in America though I live in Canada. How do you cope with that? If this question is annoying or personal you dont have to answer. Is it weird to feel post election stress after the 2016 election although I am not American? I heard American college kids had almost ptsd levels of trauamtic stress after the election in America.

It’s funny, today I was on the phone with a grad school friend who does front-line crisis mental health work in the USA, and grew up being heavily involved in the Democratic Party. She said, “I have such an issue with this rhetoric now, like, ‘don’t look away.’ Bitch, I haven’t looked away for two years. I’m fucking exhausted.” Because things like that are intended for the people who do look away, who are conservative and apathetic, but often they only reach an audience that is already engaged with the issue, and they land like hammers on people already trying their hardest.

And yes, freaking out about the shit that goes down in the USA is a fine old Canadian tradition. To quote Pierre Trudeau’s 1969 comments to the US president at the time: “Living next to you is in some ways like sleeping with an elephant. No matter how friendly and even-tempered is the beast, if I can call it that, one is affected by every twitch and grunt.”

(And Canadian politics are definitely negatively affected by the USA. My province just lost its NDP government because its Conservatives “aren’t as bad as those crazies down south!” and I have a sinking feeling the Cons will cakewalk to federal victory too in October)

You might also notice that on my blog, I post about political issues in only a small number of cases: 1) I have a unique observation I think needs to be added to the world, 2) It’s an issue I genuinely haven’t seen covered yet, and I know people who would want to know; 3) It’s a feel-good story meant to comfort people who are fighting the good fight; 4) It’s advertising an immediate, low-barrier thing people can do right away to directly affect the situation; 5) It’s a resource to help those fighters be better activists. And I do my best to always tag political posts with a standard set of tags to let people ignore them, so if somebody wants, they can follow me and just get my cats’n’fandom content.

The audience I usually have in mind when I blog are people like my friends: Smart, compassionate people committed to social activism, but without limitless amounts of money, health, time, or attention. Some of the people who follow my blog are DC lobbyists directly fighting the Trump administration’s policies. Some of them are crisis workers and EMTs and librarians and deal with the ragged edges of human existence in today’s society. I know I don’t have the nerves or capacity to be their news source; they can follow anyone else on Tumblr for that. So what I try to be is the friendly cat cafe they can go to at the end of a long shift to relax.

My response is really guided by a blog I followed a lot when 9/11 happened; I was following it to learn about getting published as a fantasy author, but its authors were New Yorkers and socialists and military veterans, and they had a lot to say about the false witch hunt for a justification for starting a war in Iraq in 2003 and the slow erosion of rights and freedoms of Americans and “enemy” POWs and the incredible damage the American war machine does when it gets going.

They’re not blogging as much now, but when Trump was elected, they released two posts that I found to be deeply useful:

Defense in Depth - Tl;dr: It is important that those of us in resistance to the world’s outrages don’t attack each other for having different priorities, because we need a diversity of targets and approaches.

Taking It Back - Tl;dr: Our enemies WANT us to be overwhelmed and horrified and frozen in shock and catatonic. That is a deliberate tactic they use. Whenever we seem to catch our breath, they create a new outrage for us to get upset over. We need to learn how to set our own pace, resist the lie that you have to be upset and horrified all the time, and focus on taking care of yourself.

I’m also really affected by Rebecca Solnit’s book “Hope in the Dark” where she points out that activist movements have two effects. The first is to influence whatever issue they’re actually agitating about. The second is to give people the tools and experience they need to become citizens who change their societies in deep and enduring ways.

One part of the problem is finding ways that you can make the world better that feel really concrete and achievable. That’s a whole other discussion, that depends a lot on what you’re good at, what your resources are, what you’re capable of. People feel a lot less terrified if there’s something they know they can do. 

But even once you’ve figured out how you’re fighting to make the world better in some small way, you probably can’t do it 24/7; you’ve got to keep mentally resilient the rest of the time.

So what do I do to cope?

I focus on easy-to-do, ordinary hobbies that bring me joy, especially ones that get me off my computer and out of my head. I garden; I just bought a bike; I’m getting my sewing room back in order so I can go back to making costumes and working on the @betterbinderproject.

I make sure I keep social connections where we can relax and enjoy each other. That means being codependent with my cat, babysitting my nieces and nephews, exploring my local bi/pan meetups, going to historical re-enactment events, texting with my friends about Tumblr drama, talking to my colleagues during slack moments at work, and enjoying the fandoms and fanworks that bring me joy.

I do my best to look after my physical wellbeing. Which for me means stretching, yoga, taking my psych meds and vitamins, taking painkillers, looking after my cuticles, using moisturizer, braiding my hair, getting massages, and always making sure there’s a cake in the kitchen. My emphasis isn’t whether I’ll get some disease 30 years from now; it’s making sure that inhabiting my body today is the least unpleasant that it has to be.

I try to look after myself; I go to therapy, look for jobs, keep up on my business paperwork, budget my money, work on upgrading my skills, and develop my 5-year plan. I work really hard on doing this without being stressed, because my habit of procrastinating and only getting around to this stuff when I’m in abject terror isn’t good.

I also, and this feels weird to say or suggest, try to educate myself on issues that are not the crisis du jour. I watch TV shows about the Russian revolution, listen to books about Indigenous language reclamation, read the diary of a World War II servicewoman. This isn’t an attempt to expand my list of crises to worry about, but because I find my ability to cope with the present immeasurably helped by knowing that people have faced other, different crises, and how they dealt with them. It’s… background research in resilience. With the added bonus that it helps me stay intersectional and aware of when we might be only seeing the most privileged part of a crisis situation.