#I forgot how bad my periods used to be this is torture genuinely

[weirdlittlefish]

ough

[luvbrie]

TXT REACTION . . . to you getting braces ?!

PAIRING txt ot5 ( separate ) x gn!reader 

WARNINGS nothing, txt might be a little ooc pretty much just comfort/crack

WORD COUNT 1.2k words — bulletpoint scenario 

c. yeonjun !!

when you first show him...i think he would laugh NOOO

he immediately reassured you that he's not laughing in a derogatory way

he thinks you just look adorable??? like wow you actually make braces look CUTE

apologizes a lot after the incident 

but yeonjun is yeonjun n he'll start complaining about it because it's harder to kiss you now :,)) 

you think after a while he just learns to live with it... 

No.

he is GENUINELY upset about not being able to kiss you properly 

a whole year and a half (maybe even LONGER too?!) without a kiss? yeonjun's not having it

he'll remind you to floss after every meal so you can get that tooth prison out of your mouth asap!!!

will prop get whiny if u tell him that you forgot or sum LOL 

"my love. do you understand the torture that stupid metal teeth straighter puts me through?? i need that thing off before i go insane and YOU NEED TO PLAY YOUR PART IN IT!!!!" 

overall he is just a simple man who wants to kiss his lover :,) whipped af i swear 

c. soobin !!

doesn't really think much of it tbh 

he visited you after the appointment and he didn't even notice honestly LOL 

kind of good for you? because you were slightly embarrassed ehe 

but when he offered you some chips you declined and he was like ????? but it's ur fav 

and then he remembers 

you nod and give him a big smile to show him your braces

and like HE MELTSSS WHY DO YOU LOOK SO CUTE 

he has this really loving look in his eyes and :,) he just loves you wow

he often forgets about your braces but reminds you to floss and pops into the bathroom whenever you do 

u ask him like ? hey binnie what's up do u need something

he'll give you a back hug and pinches your cheek when you're done with your regular cleaning 

"no, i just think you look cute with your braces. :)" 

just a very supportive boyfriend who loves u very very much !!!!! 

c. beomgyu !!

ASSHOLE

all he does is tease u istg this man

ofc he knows like not to be too mean but omg does he EVER SHUT UP? 

obviously the answer is no.

though contrary to his present behavior, when you first showed him he lowkey did not care HELP 

he's like "oh cool. how long do you keep them on" 

he didn't really comment on it but gradually he got more used to seeing them so he started teasing you about it more 

ofc he knows never to go too far with his teasing, but if you ever tell him you feel even the slightest bit uncomfortable with something he said

he will kiss all over your face n start telling you how perfect you are too him and his little butterfly pecks will NOT stop until you're a giggly, smiling mess 

he'll randomly grab your face (gently, of course) and push your upper lip n start pinching ur cheeks cuz he thinks ur flustered reaction is TOP TIER 

he will absolutely make a ton of "brace yourself" jokes.

despite his relentless teasing, he does not let ANYONE else tease you for ur braces . not even yourself 

you could make a quick comment like "lol my braces look stupid" and he's like

"what the hell. no. what? what are you talking about. you literally look fine. you're gonna be taking them off anyways?? don't talk about yourself like that" 

n you just gotta take it cause it's beomgyu why complain 

k. taehyun !!

pleaseee when u first tell him ab the braces this man is like "ah. nice" 

then you SHOW him and he starts ....bitching about the color you chose HELP 

it's like a consistent thing tho LIKE even after a month or two he'll keep mentioning it 

u have to physically shut him up by giving him a "gentle" slap to the neck but even then... 😞

he'll prob mention it every now n then after that period but it won't be as bad

there was a time where you guys were having a movie night with just the two of you 

n you were so invested in the movie but taehyun himself just could not get into it. maybe it was the genre (he was never one for sad romances)

but that led to him watching the much, much more interesting beauty in the household, which was you 

the way your eyes were so focused and you leaned in when there was a particularly suspenseful part; the way your hair fell ever so gracefully in front of your eyes only for you to just as gracefully push it back...

it was like he fell in love all over again

it was such a sudden surge of emotion. the fact he could call you his? he considers himself blessed 

it wasn't until he blinked did he find that you were staring  right back at him, tilting your head at his silent admiration 

it took him maybe a second too long to realize what was going on but he didn't look away. he simply said,

"you should've done a different braces color."

h. kai !!

an honest one here tbh 

you'll show him your braces and he'll be like "oh! they look nice on you... *adverting eyes SWEATING nervously looking EVERYWHERE BUT YOU* 

LIKE LISTEN.... 

it's not because YOU look ugly ... it's the braces...

he will ABSOLUTELY make that clear though 😭😭 he loves u ok ur adorable pls don't think much of it 

if u ask him for encouragement, he'll be the one that's all "it's okay... they'll be off soon.. they aren't permanent love..." 

if he's feeling particularly playful expect "i feel your pain. i have to look at you like this all the time you know" LMAOO

it's clear that this boy is no fan of your braces 

both of you guys are young so i think he'll let you eat whatever you want tbh, he doesn't feel like he needs to monitor you eating. he thinks it's a tad bit weird actually

unless it's something too squishy/sticky, because he knows that those are rlly hard to clean from your braces 

that being said, i feel like he would have this cupboard in the kitchen of a bunch of your favorite snacks that he's banned you from eating for the time being

he told you that he'll let you eat ALL of those snacks the day your braces come off. but only if you keep away from those same snacks while you have your braces on

everytime you slack off n eat something you're not supposed to, he takes a snack from the cupboard and eats it right in front of you LOL 

it actually does help haha

you bet that once your braces come off, you two will have a late-night picnic in the park, eating all those snacks and eventually leads to you two invading the playground at like 2 a.m 

it's just a vibe. kai is your vibe, as you are his! u two just complete each other. he's just happy to have you. <3

[markberries]

o h  b a b y┊draco malfoy

anon requested: do you think you can write this? 6thYear!Draco FWB with fem reader (really rough smut to take out his stress and frustrations) and she ends up getting pregnant from a broken condom but tries to hide the pregnancy until it can’t be hidden anymore/Voldemort somehow finds out and uses her to his leverage so Draco does his task? it doesn’t have to be a happy ending. if you don’t want to write this, it’s okay. thank you.

info: war was upon the students of hogwarts. getting pregnant wasn’t the plan.

warnings: SMUT, slight dirty talk, death

genre: smut, angst, fem!reader

word count: 1700+

a/n: LMAO on my wip page i put fluff.... sorry guys but no fluff here. semi edited,, ALSO I JUST REALIZED THIS ISNT FWB :((( IM SO SORRY

your hand tightens around the plastic in your hand, there’s a slight audible gasp that escaped the grasp of your lips, quiet enough for no one to notice, but loud enough for you to hear. you bite your lip, a surge of anxiety pumping through your veins, a skip of a heartbeat making you tap your foot. the two lines that formed in front of your eyes nearly had you shaking, but the worst part is you knew who the culprit was, and you knew how it happened.

you should have known that the moment you hadn’t gotten your period, that something must have happened. he used a condom that day, didn’t he? did i take birth control?

you and draco had been together for over a year, but you would be lying if you said that you hadn’t noticed his change in behavior. the silence that would fill the air, tension thick enough to slice with a knife. he always seemed like he was in thought, an empty gaze within his eyes.

two weeks ago, he was noticeably frustrated and agitated, so you didn’t question when he dragged you to a nearby supply closet, palming him through his pants.

he shut the door, quietly groaning into your left ear. his hands held the flesh of your ass, you could feel his warm breath on your skin, sending goosebumps all over. his mouth lightly brushed your ear, whispering an, “i need you.”

he took his thumb, slowly swiping it across your bottom lip. you parted your lips teasingly, letting his thumb enter your mouth as you lightly sucked on the fingertip. you could see the tent in his pants becoming tighter, the wetness building between your legs as you clenched your thighs together to hide your arousal, exciting thoughts running through both of your minds.

“we don’t have time for this, my love,” he whispered to you, lightly slapping your bottom. “i want you to turn around.”

a sudden feeling of confidence ran through your body, dragging your fingertips across his clothed chest. “oh yeah? why should i listen to you?”

draco decides to play along with your teasing, walking towards you as you walked backwards, your back pressing on the cool wall behind you. draco smirks, shamelessly looking at you up and down. he places his leg in between your thighs, his knee pressing against your clothed heat.

“you’re going to do exactly what i tell you to do princess, or else,” he says seductively, “now unbutton your shirt.”

the excitement running through your body made you bite your lip in anticipation, slowly unbuttoning your white dress shirt, draco watching your fingers play with the black buttons.

“hurry up princess,” he said sternly, nearly growling into your ear. his hand gripped at your thigh, and you let out a slight chuckle. 

“i don’t really feel like it, i think i’ll take my time.”

draco clearly wasn’t happy with your answer, roughly grabbing your waist to turn you around, now your chest was touching the wall, your two hands pressed against it. draco, still holding your waist, whispered in your ear, “since you decided to be a brat today, i’m gonna fuck you like one. alright? do we have any problems?”

you whimpered in response, breathing heavily as you heard the unzipping of his pants. he tugged open the foil of a condom, rolling it onto his length. he raised your skirt, pushing your panties aside. he lined up with your entrance, and with no warning, he slammed into you. you cried out, screwing your eyes shut.

“oh fuck,” he groaned in relief, aggressively pounding into you as you continued to moan his name loudly.

“hm? what do you have to say now?” draco grunted as he continuously fucked you from behind. you and draco have gotten rough before, but not like this, it was different. you liked it.

draco repeatedly hit the same spot in your body, pleasure rushing throughout your system. he would pull out to your entrance, then slam back in, the sound and smell of sex filling the small room.

“it feels so good,” you moaned, your eyes rolling to the back of your head. a recognizable feeling began to build up in your stomach, draco’s thrusts becoming sloppy but still pleasurable.

“i’m gonna come,” you whimpered, your vision becoming fuzzy.

“beg for it, princess.”

you were panting, sweat drenching your clothes, “please draco, f-fuck. i want to come so bad — please!”

“then come, princess.”

and with that, you let go, your body shaking while draco thrusted one last time, before finishing off as well.

the memory of that rough day in the closet was still freshly etched in your mind, and it remained there as you stared at the positive pregnancy test. your hand covered your mouth, tears welling up in your eyes. this couldn’t be happening.

you needed to tell draco, he had a right to know. you were still going to decide for yourself if you wanted to keep it or not, and you were leaning on the idea of raising the child. it didn’t matter if draco wanted it or not.

—

the first thing that draco wished, was that he had told you about his hidden identity. when draco heard the news, he wasn’t sure if he should be happy or not. he loved the idea of having a family with you, he didn’t expect to have one so early, but he genuinely wanted to create a future with you — just not under these circumstances.

the dark mark on his arm haunted him, the voice of voldemort’s appearing in draco’s recurring nightmares, and his ghastly tasks assigned to him never failed to make him shiver. so raising a child during this dark and twisted era, scared him.

a hundred things ran through his mind, asking himself if he would be a good father, whether or not his child would hate him because he was a bad person, and the secret he hid from you about being a deatheater.

“that’s amazing, y/n,” he smiled at you, and you let out a sigh of relief. you ran into his arms, burying your head in his chest as you let out a small cry.

“i thought you would leave me,” you said quietly, muffled by his clothing, but still audible. he smiled, brushing your hair as he held you in a warm embrace.

“i would never leave you,” he said softly, smiling down at your figure. you looked up at him, your eyes watery and shining like crystals, happy tears running down your face. you were draco’s soft spot, the one person who draco would rather die with than live without, and the thought of losing you made draco’s heart hurt.

he wiped the tears off of your face, planting a kiss on your forehead. for the first time in awhile, he felt calm, the warmth of you surrounding him, your soothing presence making him feel like this moment would last forever, and he wished it did, for he would have preferred to stay with you in that circumstance for the rest of his life.

—

the second thing draco wished, was that he had never been brought into this type of life. draco swore he nearly cried when bellatrix, voldemort’s fanatically loyal servant, ordered him to kill dumbledore. he almost said no, when thinking of you. the only thing that had stopped him, was the mention of your name. he froze in his tracks, trembling.

“you’re in love with another pureblood, aren’t you? what was her name — y/n?”

a cackle left bellatrix’s chapped lips while she played around with her wand. she sat comfortably in draco’s home, an evil smile from ear to ear. “she bears a child, doesn’t she?”

draco was left speechless, his lower lip quivering in horror. “how do you know that?”

he barely heard the sound of his mother questioning him, only thinking of what might possibly go wrong in this situation.

“it’s not about how i know, it’s about what i can do,” bellatrix said, standing up from the chair. “so it settles it then, you kill dumbledore, or i kill y/n and your child.”

draco forgot how to breathe. his brain scattered with possibilities of anything bad happening to you, how you would sound when you were being tortured, the pleading cries you would scream out while draco could only watch. he had to do it. he had to kill dumbledore.

but how could he? he would have to bear this weight on his shoulders, be seen as a murderer to you and his child. what would you think of him? would you think of him as a monster? even so, how would he protect you if he were to refuse the proposal of voldemort?

he was overwhelmed with thoughts, no hope left in his body. he couldn’t do it, he was too scared. he knew he was too much of a coward, and his inability to tell you about his dark mark proved it.

—

the third thing draco wished, was that he could’ve started a family with you. he imagined you with a bright smile on your face, placing breakfast on the table while your baby babbled random noises in their high chair. you would kiss him goodbye as he left for work, and he would never lose that feeling of happiness you gave him; but as he heard the terrified screams and shrieks that emitted from you, he knew that it would not be happening.

he simply had refused to kill dumbledore, creating a plan to escape with you, to run away and live a secret life, but that was too good to be true, as he watched your shivering body. you weren’t dead, just badly hurt. voldemort was laughing in amusement, watching you writhe in pain while tears ran down draco’s pale face.

“stop it! you monster!” draco bawled, his mother and bellatrix holding him back.

“did i not say that she would die? how dare you disrespect me?” voldemort shouted in response. the pain was too much for you to handle, and you dropped to the floor, still alive, but almost gone. draco should have told you, he knew he should have said something about the dangers that were ahead of you. he knew that he was in the wrong, and what he was about to do wasn’t going to fix everything, but it was the least he could have done.

so when draco ran in front of your body, as voldemort yelled out the curse that would send you to death, draco had received the curse instead of you, and the final thing he wished was that he had told you how much he loved you.

so when you began to crawl towards draco’s lifeless body, your own soul beginning to leave yours, you kissed him.

and both of you lay there, with your unborn baby, never knowing what could have been.

[moongoddessmox]

Tom Hiddleston Filmography - A Review

A list of everything Tom Hiddleston has been in, according to IMDB, and I will be watching each one and reviewing it here! A lot of his stuff was super obscure, and he did lots of shorts, so I have excluded those. I also do not include voice acting, only live action.

1) Loki (2021) Disney+

I'm actually only on episode four, so I don't have a thorough review, but so far it's so good. Love Loki, but something feels weird. Maybe bc I prefer him as Thor Loki, all dressed in his robes and shit, but I still think it's really good. 10/10 Tom Hiddleston overall. 9/10 show.

Alright, after finishing the show and analyzing it, I would like to change my rating to 5/10. 10/10 Tom. Tom is always great, it wasn't his fault how Loki was portrayed here and he did well with what he got. Now, the show? Ass. Like, the whole Sylki thing was meh, boring to give him a female love interest when he's canonically bi, but also the self incest? Fucking weird. His outfit? Trash, put him in his fucking Loki robes. Mobius, man, you coulda been good, but here you are torturing and insulting Loki just like everyone else. Loki just needs someone who shows him true and genuine care and trust. Not whatever the fuck Mobius and Sylvie was doing. This show was not about Loki Loki, it was about Sylvie

2) Avengers: Endgame (2019) Disney+

Need to re-watch, but such a good movie. Tragic, devastating, but so good. 10/10.

3) Leading Lady Parts (2018) (I forgot to remove this)

4) Avengers: Infinity War (2018) Disney+

Again, need to re-watch but 10/10.

5) Thor: Ragnarok (2017) Disney+

Pretty sure this is everyone's favorite Thor movie, and I agree. So fucking good. I need to re-watch it, but it gets an 11/10.

6) Kong: Skull Island (2017) HBO Max

7) The Night Manager (2016) Amazon Prime Video

8) Crimson Peak (2015) Netflix

Shame about the incest. But I enjoyed this movie a lot. I love him in this time period, lawd. I don't really care for the female lead, I don't remember her name but she irks me for no reason. But Tom? Damn, damn, damn. 9/10. Sorry, the incest cost this a point.

9) High-Rise (2015) Amazon Prime Channels

Hm. Um. Hm. So, I get the point of the movie, capitalism sucks, the high levels looking down at the low levels, chaos happens but everyone is still stuck in the capitalist system (the high-rise) and yeah. Maybe I’m just simple-minded, but it wasn’t my favorite movie lol. It was so chaotic, abstract, and dystopian and I’m just not into movies like that. But, for what it was, I think it was good and an interesting symbolism for capitalism. It was just fucking wild. You really gotta use big brain energy to follow and keep up with the metaphors, but it was good. Tommy boy always looking like a snack, we see his badonky, love that. He did really well, I think he captured the essence of the film and portrayed the emotions and character well. 10/10 Tom, 7/10 movie. Also, love to see Bard--I mean, Luke Evans. Love him.

10) I Saw the Light (2015) Amazon Buy or Rent

11) Muppets Most Wanted (2014) Amazon Buy or Rent

I have seen this movie, but I couldn't tell you a thing about it and honestly, I don't care enough about the Muppets to buy it. I'm sure it was good, but who knows.

12) Coriolanus (2014) ?

13) Thor: The Dark World (2013) Disney+

Need to re-watch. Everyone's least favorite Thor movie, but honestly, I loved it. I love all Marvel movies and didn't think this was bad at all.

14) Exhibition (2013) Amazon Buy or Rent

15) Only Lovers Left Alive (2013) Amazon Buy or Rent

16) Friend Request Pending (2012) Amazon Buy or Rent

17) The Hollow Crown (2012) Amazon Buy

18) The Avengers (2012) Disney+

The OG, love love love. Everything about this movie is wonderful. God I love Loki.

19) War Horse (2011) HBO Max

20) The Deep Blue Sea (2011) AMC+ (Amazon)

Hm, interesting. I liked it, Tom Hiddleston is so fantastic. He really showed a range of acting skill here and it was so good. The raw emotions he showcased and just those little facial expressions really made this incredible. We do get to see some badonky, that’s always a plus. His skin is so smooth and looks so soft...but anyway, his acting ability is just so amazing, I love him so much. 10/10 Tom, 7/10 movie.

21) Midnight in Paris (2011) IMDB TV (Amazon)

22) Thor (2011) Disney+

Great, fantastic, wonderful, breathtaking. Lovely movie.

23) Archipelago (2010) AMC+ (Amazon)

24) Wallander (2008-2010) DVD

25) Cranford (2009) BritBox (Amazon)

26) Unrelated (2007) Amazon Buy or Rent

27) Suburban Shootout (2006-2007) DVD

28) Miss Austen Regrets (2007) DVD (or BritBox - Amazon)

Aww, Tom is such a cutie in this movie!! Young babyyyyyyyyy. Great movie, I love period pieces, especially Jane Austen stories so this was good! He was really good in this role, I want more of him in historical pieces!! Not a lot of screen time tho, shame.

29) Casualty (2007) BritBox (Amazon)

30) Victoria Cross Heroes (2006) Youtube

31) A Waste of Shame: The Mystery of Shakespeare and His Sonnets (2005) ?

32) The Gathering Storm (2002) HBO Max

33) Armadillo (2001) BritBox

34) Conspiracy (2001) HBO Max

35) The Life and Adventures of Nicholas Nickleby (2001) DVD

[bisluthq]

SS Tily does not lay claim to Lover; a thesis

I thought this would take me longer but y’all, I’m done with Part 2 of my Gaylor analyses. Unfortunately this chapter brings bad news for Tily nation. I honestly don’t think many of the songs on Lover are about that relationship. But I also think it’s not as simple as the mainstream Kaylor narrative would have us believe. Let’s dive into this, shall we? 

First things first. I think it’s worth noting that many of the songs on this album are not about romantic relationships at all. Like it’s a bit of a marketing ploy to portray it as an album primarily about romantic love when so many songs explicitly aren’t about that feeling. In fact, there are more themes on Lover than on any of her earlier stuff - it’s something she expands on in folklore. 

I Forgot That You Existed, The Man, The Archer (which I firmly believe is about her debating coming out), Miss Americana & the Heartbreak Prince (very obviously about the political situation generally and supported by the doccie title), London Boy, Soon You’ll Get Better, YNTCD, and ME! are all about explicitly different themes. Obviously there are a couple references within those (like ME! has that line about “I never leave well enough alone” which reappears on the 1, and The Archer mentions someone “staying” but I still think ME! is about self-love not romantic love and The Archer is about personal anxiety around identity). Fundamentally, they are not love songs.

I don’t think that’s really up for debate. The only one I can see anyone - say Toes or like hardcore Tily fans - debating is London Boy. Unfortunately for my Tily babes, I do think it’s satire that serves as a homage to Joe and the other British beards, and possibly riffs a teeny bit on her time with Lily. Contrary to some gold medalists in Kaylor mental gymnastics, I fully believe Tay does make reference to Joe in her lyrics (I’ve mentioned the fictional verse for Dress and the reference to “keeping him” in Ready for It). This really doesn’t have any of the hallmarks of Tily songs off of Rep. The British references in CIWYW, KOMH and Delicate are subtle and chilled and actually quite cute. London Boy is an onslaught of non-sequiturs about London, the UK and her beards. Also “stories from uni” fits both Joe and Tom H, but it doesn’t fit Lily who never went to university. All her Lily songs are about hiding out in private; London Boy is all about galavanting around town with “his” friends (Lily and Tay had the same friends though?) It’s simply not about the same person or the same relationship. 

I do think there’s a chance it could be poking fun (lightly) at Lily/that period she spent in London because as I’ve already said I think Tay is not above shading ex-girlfriends and it seems like the kind of thing Karlie would’ve also found a bit funny. I think when she got back together with Karlie - which almost definitely happened - she would’ve 100% laughed about the “say you fancy me not fancy stuff” era. That would explain the recurrence of both Motown and queen imagery, which first appeared on KOMH. But where KOMH felt very genuine and authentic, this one is obviously meant to be funny. 

Right. So. Now that we’ve established 8 songs are about other themes, let’s get the Kaylor songs sorted: Cruel Summer, Cornelia Street, DBATC, False God and Daylight are all undeniably about Karlie fucking Kloss. They all feature the images and tropes and hallmarks that pepper Karlie songs. They all have the same kinds of emotions. And they paint a pretty sad, troubling and complex picture. 

Cruel Summer comes first and seems to mostly be about their first breakup, which she first referred to on DWOHT. We have Tay once again begging Karlie to stay and work it out and not being certain for sure about her feelings.  

We say that we'll just screw it up in these trying times

We're not trying (Oh yeah, you're right, I want it)

I mean that’s super sad. Tay’s saying they discussed how they’ll fuck it all up, and she’s feeling like they’re not even trying to fix things. You also have that “I want it” which is interesting considering the “we” that preceded it. “We’re” not trying because only “I want it”. Ouch. 

Killing me slow, out the window

I'm always waiting for you to be waiting below

Devils roll the dice, angels roll their eyes

What doesn't kill me makes me want you more

And it's new, the shape of your body

It's blue, the feeling I've got

And it's ooh, whoa oh

It's a cruel summer

It's cool, that's what I tell 'em

No rules in breakable heaven

But ooh, whoa oh

It's a cruel summer

With you

Here we have “I’m always waiting for you” which yet again suggests Tay is the one who’s more invested. Then we have the shape of “your” body (which is a familiar concept from Dress), but the feeling it gives her here is blue here not gold - maybe that’s why the shape is new? In the past Karlie’s body made her feel golden but now it’s a bluer, sadder feeling. Blue starts recurring more frequently on these late era Kaylor songs. There’s a possible alternate reading, which is blue = Swiftgron (“my love had been frozen deep blue”). It’s a nice theory but it just doesn’t gel with the garden gate below. Also, while both relationships seem to have been colored by commitment issues, the premise of unrequitedness doesn’t really feature on the songs about Di. She asks Di to stay, tells her she’s thinking of her, and they’re “too in love to think straight” but Tay never says Karlie loves her back. Ever. It’s never expressly mutual. 

I'm drunk in the back of the car

And I cried like a baby coming home from the bar (Oh)

Said, "I'm fine," but it wasn't true

I don't wanna keep secrets just to keep you

And I snuck in through the garden gate

Every night that summer just to seal my fate (Oh)

And I scream, "For whatever it's worth

I love you, ain't that the worst thing you ever heard?"

He looks up, grinning like a devil

Look at that fourth line. It perfectly fits with the Kaylor narrative on Rep and it doesn’t fit the Tily songs at all. She wanted to keep that second relationship private and secret and hidden. And here she’s saying “I don’t want to keep secrets” - this is take two of “I don’t want you like a best friend”. Also the “for whatever it’s worth” reminds me of “here’s the truth” from End Game. It’s the kind of thing you’d say in the midst of a fight. 

Then we have her screaming “I love you” and receiving no reply as usual beyond a devilish grin. The more I do these analyses the less I understand how or why Kaylor gets romanticized in the way it does, while Swiftgron gets bashed for toxicity. Like my girl Tay has a thing for chaotic lesbians with commitment issues and Kaylor seems like it was WILD. 

Back to the lyrics, this time let’s look at Kaylor anthem Cornelia Street:

We were in the backseat

Drunk on something stronger than the drinks in the bar

"I rent a place on Cornelia Street"

I say casually in the car

We were a fresh page on the desk

Filling in the blanks as we go

As if the street lights pointed in an arrowhead

Leading us home

I find this whole song really interesting because it features one of Tay’s favorite ideas - glamorizing normal people things. It’s like the time with the “motel bar” in Getaway Car. Like she 100% was thrilled to be able to say “I’m renting this apartment” - never mind that it’s basically a whole ass house. I actually think the above verse is really beautiful. I know I give Kaylor a lot of shit but obviously there were beautiful moments and Tay had/has plenty of good memories. 

And I hope I never lose you, hope it never ends

I'd never walk Cornelia Street again

That's the kind of heartbreak time could never mend

I'd never walk Cornelia Street again

And baby, I get mystified by how this city screams your name

And baby, I'm so terrified of if you ever walk away

I'd never walk Cornelia Street again

I'd never walk Cornelia Street again

I mean frankly this verse above is super insecure in the standard Kaylor way. Tay’s saying she’s terrified of Karlie walking away and that she “hopes” she never loses her. The tone is sad, forlorn and a little desperate. I also think it’s interesting that she says she’d never walk Cornelia Street again, and that the city screams Karlie’s name and then on hoax she goes ahead and says she left a part of herself back in New York. It’s almost like her fears and anxieties did prove justified. Poor baby. 

Windows flung right open, autumn air

Jacket 'round my shoulders is yours

We bless the rains on Cornelia Street

Memorize the creaks in the floor

Back when we were card sharks, playing games

I thought you were leading me on

I packed my bags, left Cornelia Street

Before you even knew I was gone

But then you called, showed your hand

I turned around before I hit the tunnel

Sat on the roof, you and I

Those first four lines seem to be about the good again, and I’m happy for them. I really do think they had good times. Those four lines make me think of parts of YAIL and the toast and weekends and stuff. 

The rest of this verse though seems to be about the first split and subsequent reunion. “I thought you were leading me on” she says, and I “left Cornelia Street” presumably to go to London. But then Karlie called her back, “showed her hand” and Tay “turned around” before she reached the point of no return and they worked it out. “Sat on the roof, you and I” is similar in content to “up on the roof with a schoolgirl crush” but very different in tone. She’s not peppy here, she’s not positive. It’s a little bit tortured - and then it continues with “hoping it never ends”. The reappearance of the Tily imagery on Kaylor 2.0 songs makes sense to me, again, because discussing exes in the same social circle as you is just blatant lesbian culture. It makes complete sense that these two women are on Taylor’s mind. She has really really deep feelings for Karlie but she enjoyed the more simple and straightforward relationship she had with Lily. 

DBATC is the Kaylor 1.0 breakup anthem:

Saying goodbye is death by a thousand cuts

Flashbacks waking me up

I get drunk, but it's not enough

'Cause the morning comes and you're not my baby

I look through the windows of this love

Even though we boarded them up

Chandelier's still flickering here

'Cause I can't pretend it's okay when it's not

It's death by a thousand cuts

We have her getting drunk to forget, trying to say “I’m fine” when it’s not true, and just generally missing Karlie. 

I dress to kill my time, I take the long way home

I mean, this is Cornelia Street (“never walk here again”) and Dress all over again. It’s the two ideas from before but now on the other side, because they’re actually broken up. 

And what once was ours is no one's now

I see you everywhere, the only thing we share

Is this small town

You said it was a great love, one for the ages

But if the story's over, why am I still writing pages?

“I see you everywhere” is very “this city screams your name” and I think “small town” is a metaphor for their social circle. The last two lines are just Tay being hung up on Karlie. She was writing pages in Cornelia Street as well, so this whole idea of telling a story with Karlie is another recurrent image. 

My heart, my hips, my body, my love

Tryna find a part of me that you didn't touch

Gave up on me like I was a bad drug

Now I'm searching for signs in a haunted club

Our songs, our films, united, we stand

Our country, guess it was a lawless land

Quiet my fears with the touch of your hand

Paper cut stings from our paper-thin plans

My time, my wine, my spirit, my trust

Tryna find a part of me you didn't take up

Gave you so much, but it wasn't enough

But I'll be alright, it's just a thousand cuts

I mean this is the usual obsession, desperation and general pining Tay has for Karlie. We also have Karlie touching her briefly, which is something she has spoken about before and is really into. Paper-thin plans is probably about the plans to make it work? We have that image reparations later in hoax so I think it’s most likely about Karlie bailing on Tay’s PR game and doing her own thing and/or Karlie’s (accidental?) involvement in the masters heist. 

Also, this whole song is very sad but it’s not on the level of desperation I would expect if Tay wasn’t rebounding hard and if they didn’t reunite. She’s pretty sad about how the whole thing went down but she does say she’ll “be alright” which is the opposite of “that’s the kind of heartbreak time could never mend”. I think she wrote this after the first breakup and Cornelia Street came later, after they were back together. That’s when she really went all in into this relationship. It still wasn’t enough. 

False God is about their reunion:

We were crazy to think

Crazy to think that this could work

Remember how I said I'd die for you?

We were stupid to jump

In the ocean separating us

Remember how I'd fly to you?

We know Tay ran away to Europe after the mess of 2016 and here she jumps into the ocean separating them and flies back to Karlie. The idea of it being “crazy” that it could work is also a recurrent fear/anxiety she has with regards to Karlie. “I had a bad feeling,” remember?

And I can't talk to you when you're like this

Staring out the window like I'm not your favorite town

I'm New York City, I still do it for you, babe

They all warned us about times like this

They say the road gets hard and you get lost

When you're led by blind faith, blind faith

They’re figuring things out, and Tay is New York - Karlie’s favorite city. “I still do it for you” is an admission of affection, which rarely happens in Kaylor songs, but it’s so sexual that I don’t find it shocking or out of character. 

But we might just get away with it

Religion's in your lips

Even if it's a false god

We'd still worship

We might just get away with it

The altar is my hips

Even if it's a false god

We'd still worship this love

I mean sex songs are just peak Kaylor and this is all just so so so gay and I don’t understand how hets can make it make srnse. “We might just get away with it” is the usual Kaylor anxiety by the way. 

I know heaven's a thing

I go there when you touch me, honey

Hell is when I fight with you

But we can patch it up good

Make confessions and we're begging for forgiveness

Got the wine for you

And you can't talk to me when I'm like this

Daring you to leave me just so I can try and scare you

You're the West Village

You still do it for me, babe

They all warned us about times like this

They say the road gets hard and you get lost

When you're led by blind faith, blind faith

Standard Kaylor imagery with sensual touching, wine and New York and a direct reference to Karlie’s apartment. I think “make confessions and we’re begging for forgiveness” appears to refer to the reunion. 

Daylight is a very beautiful love song for Karlie. The “golden”, the bodies intertwining, New York, and the depth of her emotions all fit the Kaylor story and narrative. I think she wrote this when they were back together. It’s also, as is common with the Kaylor songs, squarely from Tay’s perspective. She wrote it alone, and I think specifically for Karlie when they reunited. Very pretty, very nice. I mean they ended up breaking up and that was bound to happen in like every other song but when they were good Tay did create some gems and they were very happy. I love this song and I do like aspects of Kaylor’s time together. 

Now we get onto the songs that don’t neatly fit Kaylor. 

Afterglow could be a Kaylor song. But it could also be about the breakup with her rebound. It’s not only by Tay, so we’re looking for broad themes rather than specifics necessarily. 

Hey, it's all me, in my head

I'm the one who burned us down

But it's not what I meant

Sorry that I hurt you

I don't wanna do, I don't wanna do this to you (Ooh)

I don't wanna lose, I don't wanna lose this with you (Ooh)

I need to say, hey, it's all me, just don't go

Meet me in the afterglow

I don’t know that this sounds like the Kaylor breakup we heard about. It’s a different premise to False God, DBATC and Cornelia Street. In all of those songs it was a mutual breakup/misunderstanding. “I can’t talk to you” and then “you can’t talk to me” in False God is a two-way communication issue. DBATC goes off at Karlie for taking up every part of her and “giving up on me”. Cornelia Street said Tay thought Karlie was “leading her on” but that was resolved. Then Afterglow goes and lays all the blame on Tay. 

I lived like an island, punished you with silence

Went off like sirens, just crying

Why'd I have to break what I love so much?

It's on your face, don't walk away, I need to say

Hey, it's all me, in my head

I'm the one who burned us down

I mean this really does sound like it’s Tay fucking up badly. Not wanting to let the other person in, taking it out on them, hurting her lover. 

It's so excruciating to see you low

Just wanna lift you up and not let you go

This ultraviolet morning light below

Tells me this love is worth the fight, oh

This really doesn’t sound like the Kaylor fear and stress. It sounds like the cerebral and emotional connection from Rep. “It’s so excruciating to see you low” seems tied up with the heart to hearts and conversations she was having in those secondary songs on Rep. 

Tell me that you're still mine

Tell me that we'll be just fine

Even when I lose my mind

I need to say

Tell me that it's not my fault

Tell me that I'm all you want

Even when I break your heart

I need to say

This just seems like a very different plan for fixing things than the one outlined in the Kaylor songs (which is “let’s bone”). Also “I break your heart” is an anxiety that seems to parallel the burgeoning love in Delicate, KOMH and CIWYW. It doesn’t seem like a Kaylor fear because Tay is always the one who wants Karlie more. I believe this is mostly a Tily breakup song. 

Then we get the three happy songs on the album: Lover, I Think He Knows and Paper Rings. It’s actually pretty intense that there are only three peppy, romantic songs on an album largely touted by Gaylors and Hetlors alike as being about a happy long term relationship. 

You want my controversial explanation for these songs? They’re fictional. All three are extremely vague and lacking in any of the Karlie/other person imagery. They’re like New Year’s Day and some of the early stuff. 

I Think He Knows is a very hetro song. It physically pains me to say that, it really does, but nothing about it seems gay to me. I guess “boyish look” is something you could say about some women but that’s really a reach. Also it’s just very much not a relatable lesbian emotion. I’ve never met a queer woman being like “yeah I think she KNOWS, you know?” about her girlfriend. “She’s so obsessed with me and boy I understand” would make no sense. Us sapphics are compulsive overthinkers. And that’s what comes across on all her songs about Karlie and about Di and even those Tily songs from Rep. That’s largely why Tay’s stuff is so damn gay. 

Tay’s permanently anxious - even on her love songs, there’s a thread of anxiety running through it all. This song is missing any of that anxiety. This song also has so, so many male pronouns…. And “I am an architect, I'm drawing up the plans” is an objectively weird thing to say about a relationship. It just doesn’t strike me as sapphic, and it definitely doesn’t strike me as being about Karlie lr Lily or Di. Also Nashville is 16th Avenue and I don’t know why any of the women would be associated with Nashville.

That Nashville reference makes me think that maybe the song is inspired by the music industry generally? If you go look at 16th Avenue by Lacy J. Dalton, there’s a clear narrative about the music industry. I think it’s possible that Tay’s song is referencing the love she feels for and from the music industry and her fans. That would tie into the architectural plans, being 17 (she often speaks about being stuck at that age because it’s when she got famous), and “he’s so obsessed with me” makes sense when you’re AOTD. Even the “attitude” line makes sense in this interpretation. 

This bit:

Lyrical smile, indigo eyes, hand on my thigh

We can follow the sparks, I'll drive

Lyrical smile, indigo eyes, hand on my thigh

We can follow the sparks, I'll drive

"So where we gonna go?"

I whisper in the dark

"Where we gonna go?"

I think he knows

Is a little harder to make sense of and seems like it could maybe be about Lily or at least inspired by her - there’s the car/driving theme from the secondary Rep relationship and Lily does have indigo eyes (they’re way bluer than Joe’s). So maybe she used images and diaries from that period to add to the story about Nashville? But overall this smugness just doesn’t strike me as very gay and in general the song doesn’t seem to be about any one woman in her history. Also “better lock it down or I won’t stick around” is so very hetro and like… untortured. 

Paper Rings is not about Karlie but I also don’t think it’s about Lily. 

The moon is high

Like your friends were the night that we first met

Went home and tried to stalk you on the internet

Now I've read all of the books beside your bed

The wine is cold

Like the shoulder that I gave you in the street

Cat and mouse for a month or two or three

Now I wake up in the night and watch you breathe

This is not about Karlie. We’ve heard repeatedly that they fell in love at first sight so “month or two or three” is kinda wild? Like they full on U-Hauled it with the Big Sur trip and Tay moving to New York and Karlie basically moving into her apartment. They were never cat and mouse? Also Karlie was a supermodel by the time they met one another so “trying to stalk you on the internet” seems a bit of an odd way to phrase it. There would’ve been plenty to find. They both had big reputations. Moreover, they had multiple mutual friends so “your friends” is also an odd turn of phrase. How does this verse fit any aspect of the Kaylor love story? 

In the winter, in the icy outdoor pool

When you jumped in first, I went in too

I'm with you even if it makes me blue

Which takes me back

To the color that we painted your brother's wall

Honey, without all the exes, fights, and flaws

We wouldn't be standing here so tall, so

This is also very not Kaylor lol except for the tall part. The chilled out hanging out and swimming and wall painting sounds more like the songs about Tily on Rep. 

I like shiny things, but I'd marry you with paper rings

Uh huh, that's right

Darling, you're the one I want, and

I hate accidents except when we went from friends to this

Uh huh, that's right

Darling, you're the one I want

In paper rings in picture frames in dirty dreams

Oh, you're the one I want

This seems like it could be Tily because of the “we went from friends to this” (Kaylor were never friends, and had no intention of being friends, they’ve literally only ever dated). But I’m not sure Tay ever wanted to marry Lily? That’s not what comes across in the other Tily songs. 

I want to drive away with you

I want your complications too

I want your dreary Mondays

Wrap your arms around me, baby boy

The driving and the chilledness is similar to the Tily songs but I’m still not sold. It really doesn’t feel particularly authentic. 

Also, I know I mostly do lyric analysis but I’d like to include this quote from Tay about the song: “This song talks about true love, and if you really find true love, you probably don't really care what the symbolism of that love is. Material things wouldn't matter to you anymore if you found someone that you just wanted to live your life with.” The quote is distinctly hypothetical. “You probably don’t really care” “wouldn’t” “if you found”....

My gut says this is based around positive romantic relationships she has had but is extrapolated to a rosy conclusion. One day, Tay’s gonna want to marry someone with paper rings. But for now it’s a fictional hypothetical. None of the details fit any of her relationships. It’s made up. That’s why it includes the “baby boy” line... because it’s fiction. 

And now for the really hot take… Lover is equally made up, although she was - again - inspired by her real relationships. 

We could leave the Christmas lights up 'til January

This is our place, we make the rules

And there's a dazzling haze, a mysterious way about you, dear

Have I known you twenty seconds or twenty years?

This is continuing the themes from New Year’s Day which always strikes me as a “what if” rather than an actual ode to one of the muses. That final line seems like it could be about Karlie but the absolute calmness with which she sings makes it seem like it’s not about her. The mysterious way is also a brand new image and considering how much she sings about Karlie you would’ve thought we’d have had that image at least once before?

Can I go where you go?

Can we always be this close forever and ever?

And ah, take me out and take me home

You're my, my, my, my

Lover

I mean this doesn’t sound like Kaylor. Part of the anxiety there is always about going places together and being seen. It does have bits that seem like Tily to me; “take me out and take me home” kind of reminds me of the “meet me in the back” and “can we always be this close” seems similar to “is it chill that you’re in my head?” 

We could let our friends crash in the living room

This is our place, we make the call

And I'm highly suspicious that everyone who sees you wants you

I've loved you three summers now, honey, but I want 'em all

The first three lines could be about either Karlie or Lily although I don’t know if Tily had “their place”. Kaylor definitely did. 

That last line… is kinda why I think this is mostly fiction. I mean we know it doesn’t make sense for Toe. We know that. And I know about the gymnastics to fit it as a Kaylor song. But the thing is, even if she wrote it around the time that they went away to Wyoming, why wouldn’t she update it when recording it? It literally doesn’t fit the Toe timeline so it can’t be that she wanted it for that. She could’ve made it vague. But no she says “three summers”. Where else have we heard about “three summers”?

September saw a month of tears

And thankin' God that you weren't here

To see me like that

But in a box beneath my bed

Is a letter that you never read

From three summers back

It's hard not to find it all a little bitter sweet

That’s from Tim McGraw. 

She just likes that image. It recurs. It’s not about Karlie, and it’s not about Lily, and it’s obviously not about Joe. It’s just a pretty turn of phrase. She loves counting in summers and Cruel Summers and the summer in Betty/august…. It’s not something she associates with one person. 

Ladies and gentlemen, will you please stand?

With every guitar string scar on my hand

I take this magnetic force of a man to be my

Lover

My heart's been borrowed and yours has been blue

All's well that ends well to end up with you

Swear to be over-dramatic and true to my

Lover

This whole wedding bit doesn’t make sense for either Kaylor or Tily or Swiftgron. Like she’s constantly questioning Karlie’s commitment to her. And you want me to believe she’s singing vows? Lol no. 

And you'll save all your dirtiest jokes for me

And at every table, I'll save you a seat

Lover

Very cute. Very non-specific. Not about any one partner. 

So this supposed ode/serenade to Karlie doesn’t feature any of the images associated with her and doesn’t include any details that actively fit their relationship arc as described elsewhere except for jealousy and possibly love at first sight. 

These three peppy love songs - which make up the minority of songs on the album - are about Taylor’s manifestations for the future. ITHK could be about the industry more generally. The other two are describing what she wants and what she pictures as ideal for a relationship. 

So conclusions: a large chunk of the songs on Lover aren’t about romance. Many, many are about Karlie. Afterglow could be about Lily and some of the regrets Tay had about the split. Paper Rings, I Think He Knows and Lover aren’t about anyone in particular. 

Last thought: I agree that It’s Nice To Have a Friend is about lesbians generally. But also possibly about Karlie, in which case the final verse is Karlie choosing the marriage with Josh and in that case the song is fucking devastating and heartbreaking. But tbh a lot about Kaylor is so it’s no surprise 🤷🏻‍♀️ 

---------------------------------------------------

As usual, I’m up to discuss this. Do you agree? Disagree? Let’s talk! xx

[terramythos]

TerraMythos' 2020 Reading Challenge - Book 21 of 26

Title: Blood for Blood (Wolf by Wolf #2) (2016)

Author: Ryan Graudin

Genre/Tags: Alternate History, Historical Fiction, Dystopian, Science Fiction, Young Adult, Third Person, Female Protagonist, Duology

Rating: 7/10

Date Began: 7/20/2020

Date Finished: 7/27/2020

Yael, a death camp survivor with the ability to skinshift, has fulfilled her mission -- impersonate Axis Tour contender Adele Wolfe and assassinate Hitler on live TV. But something has gone terribly wrong, and Yael is on the run from the SS. She finds herself in an uneasy alliance with Luka Lowe and Felix Wolfe, the two people she tricked the most by pretending to be Adele. Now, as war and rebellion escalate worldwide against the Reich, the three have to find a way back to Germania and the heart of the resistance. 

“Mark my words, Herr Wolfe.” Baasch’s voice swelled over the Führer’s speech. He watched the television, a half smile breaking his face. “There will be blood. There will be more than enough. The world is about to drown in it.” 

Major spoilers for Wolf by Wolf and minor spoilers for Blood for Blood under the cut.

I have mixed feelings about this book, and while there's a lot of specific reasons I will go into, I think it can be summed up in one statement: Blood for Blood is a completely different animal than Wolf by Wolf (pun intended). Logically, yes, no two books in a series will be or should be the same, but this duology takes it to the next level. Blood for Blood's style, tone, and pacing often feel like it's from a totally different series. Whether that's a good or a bad thing varies throughout the novel, but I enjoyed Wolf by Wolf more. The first and most obvious difference between the two is structure. Wolf by Wolf has a very concise and deliberate story, focusing on Yael. Sections of the plot are organized by legs of the Axis Tour race. Flashbacks are also sprinkled throughout to give the reader a sense of Yael's backstory and motivations-- but they're executed in a way that feels organic. The slick format is one of the best parts of Wolf by Wolf, and unfortunately is pretty much absent in Blood for Blood. Instead, Blood for Blood features a split perspective between Yael and two of the leads from the first book, Felix and Luka. In some ways I really like this change, as it allows the latter two to become much more interesting and fleshed out characters. On the other hand, it also takes away from the focus inherent in the first book, and as a result the narrative feels disorganized. Without the Axis Tour, the series loses a lot of the glue keeping things together. It’s not bad by any stretch of the imagination, but it’s difficult not to compare it to the previous entry. Flashbacks still exist, albeit changed. Each character periodically gets a perspective flashback that takes place on the same day in history. From a characterization perspective, it's an interesting way to show how their histories and motivations compare and contrast. However, in practice these scenes don't appear with any consistency, so when they show up it feels random rather than deliberate. I wish this technique had been presented in a more straightforward manner, possibly with more scenes than the handful we actually get. 

The change I like the most is the tonal shift. Blood for Blood is darker than Wolf by Wolf, being much more explicit about the horrors of war and Nazi atrocities, torture, and war crimes. Wolf by Wolf wasn't lighthearted by any means, but the kid gloves come off completely with this one. I think it's an important change to highlight just how insidious and evil Nazism is, especially in an age with increasing pro-Nazi and far right sentiment. I also LOVE that Luka and Felix both have to come to terms with the evils of the regime and change as a result. The part where they both realize the atrocities of the death camps and medical experiments is probably one of my favorite parts in the book; their sheer horror and visceral disgust is satisfying and redemptive. This darker tone really ramps up the stakes, and I think makes the book much more exciting and emotionally charged.  For me the characterization is a mixed bag. Luka is much more likable in this entry. In Wolf by Wolf he’s a generic “jerk LI character with Hidden Depths”, but learning his backstory and motivations in Blood for Blood helps a lot. Maybe I’m a sap, but I actually like his relationship with Yael in this one, since it’s built on genuine admiration and respect rather than the antagonistic sniping of the previous book. There is less laser focus on Yael in Blood for Blood, but I think the continuation of her identity arc is well executed. When she finds the old photograph of herself? BRUH. I was skeptical about *SPOILER CHARACTER* showing up out of nowhere, but ultimately I like her role in the story, and there’s subtle foreshadowing in Wolf by Wolf, making it one of the few twists in this series I didn’t see coming. 

Unfortunately I feel the opposite about Felix. To be clear, I have no problem with a main character regressing and making poor choices like Felix does, and I think it can be interesting if done right. But Felix’s arc is based around a whole lot of misunderstandings, and even when the misunderstandings get resolved, he just... stubbornly keeps being a selfish idiot. There’s very little nuance or development on this front until the very end. While objectively his choices are understandable with context, it doesn’t make them any less grating to read about. Ultimately, he pays for his decisions big time and THAT is satisfying, but I don’t know if it makes up for gritting my teeth for a good third of the novel. 

There’s also some details that just make me scratch my head. Like, what happened to the skinshifting? It’s not totally absent in this story, but it serves very little role in the first half. The inciting premise of this book is that there’s more skinshifters than just Yael, and the Nazis are using them to imitate Hitler and protect him from assassination attempts. But that thread doesn’t really pay off until the climax? Yael and *SPOILER CHARACTER* doing it feels like an afterthought, with the exception of one scene. I just feel like there’s so much one can do re: subterfuge and sabotage when one’s enemies can literally change faces and imitate people. There is a sabotage subplot... but it’s with Felix, who can’t skinshift! I don’t know, it just feels like a huge missed opportunity. Also, Japan is a pretty major Thing in the first book and it’s barely relevant in Blood for Blood. It feels like Graudin genuinely forgot about it other than a token mention at the end. 

If I'm being honest, this book was hovering right at a 6/10, but I think the ending bumps it up to a 7. It’s very intense with excellent tension and pacing. Predictable, sure-- it’s pretty easy to pin down (1) who dies and (2) the final twist at the end-- but I don’t mind some predictability if it’s well executed. The easiest way to my heart is a real emotional gutpunch, and boy the ending delivers.  

It’s hard for me to recommend this book unless you liked Wolf by Wolf and really want to see what happens to the characters. It’s much different from the previous volume, for better and worse. Blood for Blood is good, but it wasn’t what I expected in a followup and suffers in its inherent comparison to Wolf by Wolf.

[caktii]

Kirishima is a weirdo but he seems dumb enough to be loveable: a half-assed study. (Updated)

So I’ve been reading raise wa tanin ga ii and I think I’m slowly understanding how Kirishima thinks and why he does what he does. tldr; he’s stupid smart but dumb in love. And very lucky. More under cut if you wanna see me ramble.

He’s pretty fucked up, i wont lie. But i think he sees things as give and take with his own set of standards, of which are based around the yakuza and his own experiences.

Like with above, she can cheat on him as long as he knows and can kill the guy after, because its fair to him who ‘loves’ Yoshino. He probably thinks its okay for him to have other sexual relationships, it’s fair because she isn’t in love with him so her feelings aren’t getting hurt. I reckon he thinks that she thinks in a similar way, that he can kill who she cheats on him with, so he would therefore theoretically be fine with her killing anyone he’s involved with, to make things fair. It’s all around what he thinks is an equivalent exchange, and blood is fair currency.

This standard also applies to his lack of empathy for others. He seems completely morally bankrupt, but i imagine its part who he is and how he was raised in the yakuza. In one of the chapters its stated that he doesn’t know others limits for pain so he uses his own when it comes to torture. I can imagine that that’s how he treats others, and assumes that even if he can’t understand their feelings he can understand trades and exchanges, like what happens in the yakuza with money and services. And given his apparent natural talent for academia, especially subjects like maths with specific rules and processes, then it makes sense that he thinks things work as long as he follows the right rules and the end product is what was desired. 

He does recognise what it means to be normal though and given that he’s attractive and knows how to act, he can live a fairly normal life. This explains why he isn’t overtly feared by anyone at school. He even has a female following and multiple friends-with-benefits despite being yakuza. He’s capable of acting normal, but like Yoshino, most can probably tell that hes a little off or know that there’s more to him than what you see. It’s probably why people are okay with him from a distance but he doesn’t have close friends. Guys would worry for themselves and their girlfriends, and girl’s wouldn’t trust him period (but everybody loves a bad boy so being real theres plenty girls crushing on him). This works for him most of the time, but being in love is very different. For someone who claims to ‘love’ Yoshino, he honestly has no idea how to show it in a way that she’ll understand, but thinks that if he works hard enough that she’ll love him.

He’s calculating and cold when it comes to the yakuza, but emotion wise he has the emotional understanding of a child who only sees the world based on their own feelings. He doesn’t seem to comprehend the reasons behind others emotions, but he does recognise behaviour patterns which are favoured, and knows which behaviours have negative consequences. i.e. he stays past curfew and knows that he gets beat if he’s late but given that he can handle it and he’s kind of a masochist anyway it makes no difference to him either way so he’ll do what he wants. It’s part of how he can get people to like him, he’s genuinely carefree as a result of his confidence in his methods to get what he wants so as long as people believe that he can be nice and don’t see that he doesn’t actually care, then he’s socially successful.

But, I don’t think he has any idea how love even works, part of what makes this manga fun to read. He recognises that Yoshino is different from the women he’s been with before so uses his sweet talk and experience with girls to stay on her good side and care for her but for the most part he’s a fish out of water. He knows how to get girls to like him enough to sleep with him but not enough for a full commitment like marriage because he hasn’t really seen anyone as being permanent enough for him to try harder.

All he knows is that he feels different with her, and so he wants her to feel the same. I think he’s in shock from seeing such a strong and violent woman like Yoshino, so can’t help but to feel attracted. She herself is attractive, and he very likely sees her as the closest thing to himself that he’ll find and that gets his motor running to high. The fact that she has the perfect connections for a relationship to actually work is a massive plus. But he has a long way to go if he wants her to see him as anything other than a weird friend/thorn in her side. I doubt that’ll happen given his need for equality, love is about giving so I feel that unless he knows what parts of himself to give, change and show, he won’t be making progress with Yoshino.

Long story short, he’s the ideal yakuza man. Strong, smart, pragmatic and detached. But he’s worst case boyfriend material. If he wasn’t considered attractive he’d be 100% more creepy and I’m certain Yoshino would’ve never left Osaka. I don’t think his actions are that hard to predict but his motivations leave people stumped which is what makes him hard to understand. 

Big love to the mangaka for creating such a loveable creep. Massive thanks to the scanlation group for giving us this gift. And pray for Yoshino, girl needs it. 

Edit: I completely forgot a point that I wanted to make regarding a reason why he does what he does. To my understanding he’s one of those people who can’t differentiate between states of arousal, and yes this is sexual but also non-sexual states of physiological arousal like excitement and fear. This may explain why he is both extremely violent and incredibly sexually active. In one 4-koma comic he mentions having 8 girlfriends at one time, and he also mentions that he once did breathplay for over 8 hours with two women. He seems to like these states of arousal hence his job and multiple friends-with-benefits, and given his thought process that I described before it makes sense that he uses these means to get his off. What is different with Yoshino is that she introduces an emotional aspect to his high states, he feels that he can actually connect with her due to their shared background and compatibility. But due to his lack of social experience with emotional intimacy he doesn’t know how to go about actually gaining her trust, let alone her love. Or perhaps he does know, but he doesn’t necessarily want to yet, the series is ongoing so we’ll see as the story unravels more. 

[god-save-the-keen]

The afterward

Book: Mother of the year

Pairing: Thomas Mendez x MC (Tara)

Summary: Thomas leave the bar after their first kiss, how the things are going to be?

Warning: angst (with a kinda of happy ending) / fluff

Words: 2.168

Note: I'm not a lawyer so maybe the tiny legal part I putted it's bullshit 🤣 Also, English it's not my first language, sorry if it's something off or wrong here.

Tag list: @chetachisblog @annekebbphotography @princess-geek @malakbesharah @lilyofchoices @ao719 @marycarrillo21 @blackcatkita @kamybelen-blog @randomchoicesblog @cxld-play

He sit in his car and drove a few blocks, stopping in front of a park. His elbows in the wheel and his head in his hands. Why? Why he had to kiss her? He told her he needed more time, so why he did that? He knew she liked him, she already told him that, so why he couldn't resist a little more and do the things right, like she deserves? How he could be so selfish to kiss her and leave her, probably hurting her, when she was so scared of losing Rory? His hand hit the wheel hard before he sigh and lean against the seat. Tara probably hated him.

He liked her, a lot and he adored Rory as well, he wanted the best for them and he wanted to destroy Guy and Vanessa for make her go through this hell but he wasn't sure how handle what he felt for her. Every time she smiled, touched him, he heard her laugh, his heart stopped, he wanted to take her in his arms and kiss her like no one ever did. Exactly like he just did. But… was he ready to move on, completely? Soledad was with him the most part of his life and when she died, he still loved her like the first day. And Luz. He knew Luz liked Tara as well and god knows how much Luz and Rory adores each other, but… how she would take a new relationship? He didn't wants she felt he was replacing Soledad, no one could never do that.

Tara told him once she would waiting him… But for how long? She was a smart, funny, beautiful woman, he could see how Eiko look at her and she had mentioned a neighbor, some guy called Levi that went with her to her first summons, what if she decide it was enough waiting and chose someone else? His heart aches at that thought. He turned on the car and drove back to his office.

He tried to focus in the cases he was working on. He read some statements, saw a couple of videos that another lawyer sent him and had a meeting with a possible new client. However, every time he had a free minute, his mind returned to her. Tara, and her smile when she saw him. Tara, with that t-shirt showing her belly. Tara, looking at him while he took off his shirt. Tara, with her lips on his. Tara, and her eyes telling him how heartbreaking she felt when he pushed her away.

Hours later, his torturously slow day ended, late. He took his briefcase and phone. Before go out he opened the conversation with Tara, should he text her? Or maybe call her? And said what? Sorry for the kiss? That not only sounds horrible but also it would make her feel worse. He felt how much she wanted to kiss him and tell her that, not only would break her heart it will also kill any chance he still got to be with her. If there was still any. He putted the phone in his pocket and drove back home.

He found Luz in the kitchen island doing her homework with Fanny, her nanny. He kissed her daughter head, change his clothes and return to the kitchen.

"How was you day, Lulu?"

"Fine, but I missed Rory in the last period, her dad went for her early." He took her from school early? That wasn't part of the deal. "I saw him today in the school. I don't like him, he treated Rory's mom bad and he didn't believed Rory that August broke her rocket on purpose" She said, frowning.

"Yeah, I don't like him either, sweetie. Fanny, you want we give you a ride to home?"

"No! Wait!" Luz said, panicked. "She is helping me with math! I have a test tomorrow and I don't understand it!" Thomas looked at her.

"It's okay, Mr Mendez, I can stay until she understand it, I don't have classes tomorrow." Mr Mendez was her favorite client, he always treat her with respect and he loved her daughter.

"In that case, how about a pizzas?" He asked. He went to the fridge and remember the day Tara helped him with the braid for Luz, how close they were to kiss if Luz haven't entered the kitchen. He sigh. He needed to talk to her and fix the things, he couldn't lose her. He wanted to be with her, he just didn't know how.

"Dad! Your phone is ringing!" Luz said walking through him, looking at the screen. "It's Rory's mom"

He took it and answer the call while Luz returned with Fanny.

"Hi Tara" Thomas said, awkward. He didn't know if he should treat her like always or directly apologize for how he leave the bar.

"Hi Thomas" She said, sounded tired and sad, her voices lower than normal.

"You okay?" Of course she wasn't okay, she not only was dealing with the custody battle but also with him, he thought with guilt.

"I… Can you came over, if you can? Please? It's important"

"Tara, if this is about today I--"

"No, it's not about that. It's about my case, can you?"

"On my way"

"Thank you" And she cut the call.

"Fanny, I need to check on with someone urgently, can you stay? I'll paid you the double and I'll take you home after."

"There's no need for that Mr. Mendez, I'll stay as long as you need, besides this young lady need to learn this equations for tomorrow."

"Thank you." He took his keys and kiss Luz in the cheek. "Pay attention to Fanny, Luz. Call me if you need anything, I'll be back as soon as I can"

He was knocking her door ten minutes later. When she opened, a guy was inside, sitting in the couch. He stand up and walk through the door, looking at Thomas resentment.

"Thomas, hi" Tara said. She didn't tried to hugged him like she used to do or smiled at him, she was just.. sad. Every part of her body conveyed sadness. "This is Levi, my neighbor. And he's Thomas, Rory's best friend dad and my lawyer" Just her lawyer? Thomas thought with an ached in his heart. He couldn't blame her.

"I'll let you both to talk" Levi said, looking at Tara. "Knock if you need anything" He said taking her arm softly, giving it a little squeeze. A rush of jealousy ran through Thomas's body.

"Thank you, Levi." She smiled at him, he left and Thomas went in. She was wearing a motorcycle jacket, like she just arrived home.

"Thanks for coming" She said, sitting in the couch. " Sorry to bother you--"

"You never bother me" He said sitting beside her. "At contrary"

"I'm not so sure about that" She said with a tiny sad smile and he felt a stab of guilt. "It just, I'm so lost right now." She hugged herself and a few tears fall from her eyes. He started to caressed her back softly, trying to calm her. He noticed something weird in the apartment, it was to quiet and Rory's bedroom door was open, empty.

"Tara… Where's Rory?" He could guess the probably answer to that question and his blood started to boil.

"She is with Guy." Tears continued falling and he hugged her by the shoulders. "I went a little more late to his stupid hotel, I had to go to a rocket things shop in the otro side of the city first, and he already putted her in bed. He didn't let me see her or even give her the stuff she needs for the project. He just took the box out of my hands, closed the door in my face and said that he is going to use this against me"

"You are telling me… that- that piece of shit… didn't give you back you daughter, even when it was previously agreed?" During a second, he forgot he was a lawyer, he forgot she needed his academic side, he forgot all the logical reasoning, for just one second he was a pissed off man wanting to punch another guy in the face. She nodded, looking at him surprised, she had never hear Thomas this angry or swearing like that.

"Okay, you have some witnesses about the shop?" He asked returning to what she needed, a very good and furious lawyer.

"Yeah, I got the call of the guy letting me know he had the pieces, the receive of the shop, I think he had cameras in the shop, I texted Guy to letting know I was a little late, he said he never received it, and Eiko drove me there in her motorcycle." That explained the jacket. Another jealousy rage ran through his body.

"Good, that it's enough to prove you were doing something important for your daughter." He looked at her, so broken, he wanted to sit her in his lap and hugged her all night if it was necessary. But he couldn't, and he was the only one to blame. "I know it's your apartment but… can I make you a tea? It would help you to relax"

"If you sure" she said and told him were find the things. A few minutes later, he sit beside her with two cups of tea. "Thank you" She grabbed one of the cups and took a tiny sip. "And thank to continue with my case" She was looking at her cup, avoiding his eyes.

"Why I wouldn't continue?" He asked, genuinely confuses.

"After what happened early maybe you had changed your mind" He closed his eyes, sighing.

"Tara… I would never do that. I would never abandon you like that, not with something so important." She keep it looking at the cup in her hands. "And about what happened,I--"

"Thomas stop. Please, I don't want to talk about that, not tonight at least." She dried annoyed a tear. "You don't feel the same way I do, I get, it's okay, really, it just…" she looked at him for just a moment and avoid his gaze once more. "I thought you did"

"I do!" How could she think that? How could he allowed she felt that way? "It's not that"

"Then what it's?"

"I'm scared okay?" He said mad with himself. "I like you, a lot, and that scared me." He puts his head in his hands.

"You don't think that scared me too?" She said, finally looking at him, sad. "The last time I was with someone, I ended alone with a daughter to take care off, since that I haven't be able to trust or date to anyone. Except now you." She stand up and leaned on the frame of Rory's room. "I get the you went through a lot and I never wanted to pressure you, I just--"

"You haven't. I'm the one who messed up the things. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done it this way" He stand up too and went beside her. He should hug her? Or take her hand?

"You sorry the kiss?" She sounded broken.

"No! No, I don't sorry the kiss. I wanted to kiss you. For so long now. I'm sorry how I handle things after that." He putted his hand in her cheek and she closed her eyes pressing her head against it. "I didn't mean to hurt you"

"I know" She opened her eyes and looked him. "And... I will wait for you, I still think you worth the wait" He smiled softly to her. "But… not forever". He nodded and slowly, awkwardly at first, hugged her.

"Just… a little more, I promise." She nodded in his arms and return the hug. "You have no idea how important you are to me Tara."

"You are important to me too, Thomas"

"And I promise Rory will be with you" He squeeze her a little more.

"I know, I trust you." Her voices soft against his shoulder.

They stayed like that for what's feel an eternity. At some point she told him she felt better and he needed to return with Luz so he let her rest while he returned to his place. He putted his phone alarm one hour early, he wanted to talk to the judge before Vanessa did. While he waited in some traffic light, he thought how right it felt having her in his arms and how much he wanted to feel that again. Maybe he needed to talk with Luz about it, see how she would feel if he and Tara started to date. Maybe if she was okay he would stop feel so guilty every time he thought to be happy without Soledad. Maybe he just needed to fully accept that she will never going back and it was time to move on. Maybe, just maybe, after two years, he needed to start to live again.

❣️

[demigodofhoolemere]

Long bitterness below because I saw something that drove me crazy and I wasn’t gonna be able to rest until I articulated my frustrated thoughts

~~~~~

@ the person who wrote this I just wanna talk

https://screenrant.com/mcu-avengers-most-shameless-things-loki-ever-done/

Most of these are just outright wrong and it only takes the slightest glance at canon events to prove them as such, and the ones that have any amount of accuracy to them are devoid of critical context.

I don’t remember seeing much of this stuff before Ragnarok but it’s everywhere now and it’s kind of telling of the narrative bias that movie planted in everyone’s heads that people are now looking back with a lens that’s colored to be against him from the outset without bothering to take into consideration context, critical thinking skills, or empathy. The narrative tells us that he’s just bad so let’s not look any further than that I guess.

Wasn’t gonna debate each of them but the more I think about it the more it’s gonna bug me until I do, so here comes the bitter canon police...

Number 10

1) Right from the off: “Loki and Thor have always had a love/hate relationship — though it gravitates more toward the ‘hate’ part.” Um... always? Because last I checked, despite their differences, they grew up as best friends. Their problems that we see onscreen span from 2011-2017, a measly 6 years compared to over a thousand years of life together. This is a blip on the radar, one that certainly doesn’t constitute leaning towards mainly hate for each other. Heck, even during this time period, they’re clearly shown to love each other. Loki definitely gets angry, but I wouldn’t say he outright “loathes” Thor, at least not in a way that diminishes the love he also has for him.

2) “As such, Loki has betrayed Thor and his adoptive family many times.” This is so wrong I barely have the energy to explain why. People love to give examples of all of Loki’s supposed betrayals and they pretty much all fall down under scrutiny. The only ones I can understand listing are lying to Thor about Odin being dead, along with his attempts to kill Thor at the climax of the first movie (this stuff was when he was waaay out of his right mind, btw — not that he’s not responsible for his actions, but context is still important when taking into account anything he does), and various things in Ragnarok that were out of character for him to do in the first place. Anything else, even if it’s bad, cannot be counted specifically as betrayals against his adoptive family, since things like coming to Earth weren’t about them. If only a couple of instances are able to qualify as betrayals, then no, he has not done this “many” times, no matter how much people like to push that idea.

3) “Of course, Thor often got the brunt of it.” I’ll let that one stand because Thor got a fair number of screams aimed at him, but honestly, I’d say the person most negatively affected by Loki’s actions tends to be Loki. Thor really didn’t get more than he could handle. And as much as I love him, he’s not innocent of dishing his own stuff onto Loki as well. Wording it this way makes it sound like he’s Loki’s abuse victim (when more than anything, they are both the victims of Odin’s awful parenting rather than each other).

4) “So, it’s basically a normal sibling relationship that they portrayed. Oh, and Loki is never apologetic about his violence against Thor — siblings through and through.” First of all when I see stuff like this I have deep concerns for other people’s relationships with their siblings and am reminded of how grateful I am for my sister, but secondly, I don’t get the impression that Asgardians do much apologizing overall. You don’t see Thor apologizing for violence against Loki either. Terrible habit, but it seems to be the culture they were raised in. Besides, I feel like dying for Thor multiple times is decent substitution. (And while it’s not totally clear what he was specifically referring to, it’s worth noting Loki did profusely tell Thor he was sorry on Svartalfheim.)

Number 9

1) Oh my word, I am tired of seeing this. That scene was filmed as a real death, and everyone from Tom Hiddleston to Kevin Feige continued to refer to it as such after the reshoots. I wouldn’t know where to find it right now but I know there’s a quote from Kevin about it being real and that it was only just non-fatal enough for him to survive it. The only place anyone ever says he faked it? In Ragnarok, which is already filled to the brim with retcons, and it’s said by Thor (or whoever that is in Ragnarok who took Thor’s face) who has no knowledge of what really happened, he just makes assumptions and accusations that Loki isn’t given the chance to refute. It. Was. Not. Fake.

2) “He was rather casual about it and didn’t care much about how the rest of his family would take the news.” Source? We don’t exactly get the time to see his feelings on the matter. Also, Thor is the only one who would have cared anyway. Frigga was killed and Odin wanted him dead.

Number 8

1) “One of the reasons why Loki faked his own death was to seize a great opportunity [...]” He must not be good at carrying out his own plans then, since he immediately genuinely tried to offer the throne to Thor. Thor turned it down. Was there still satisfaction from getting the chance to prove that he can be a king? Yeah, because he’s still never felt like he’s been able to prove himself as equal. The chance to prove people wrong about him, and especially the chance to prove his own worth to himself, is exciting, hence that grin at the end. He’s certainly not upset at that opportunity. But that only happened because Thor didn’t take him up on the offer.

2) “The worst part was that he cast a spell on Odin and exiled him in a retirement home on Earth.” The... the worst part? That he removed the man who would have killed Thor upon return and was willing to have all of Asgard and everyone in it destroyed? And still had the mercy to send him somewhere that he’d be safe and taken care of every single day? Uh... okay.

3) “For a time, Loki ruled the Asgardians in their process of recovery from the Dark Elves’ attack.” Yeah, exactly. Thanks for aiding my point. Even Ragnarok of all things, despite the issues I have with the way Loki was portrayed as king, still manages to prove this point by showing things on Asgard being peaceful and repaired.

Number 7

1) Mostly correct this time, but missing the context of why Loki is angry enough at Odin to want the Dark Elves to go after him. Without considering all of the lies and heartache Odin caused that sent Loki’s mind spiraling in the first place, let alone the fact that he left him to spend the next 4,000 years of his life in solitary (which is outright torture, and Loki knew it would be because he seemed to have no problem with the thought of being executed instead), it makes it sound like it was a purely petty betrayal rather than based in any reason. Loki does everything for a reason.

2) “One would think that Loki would’ve learned a lot from this but he kept on being his usual self after a short bout of guilt and anger in his cell.” First of all I think you greatly underestimate how long that’s gonna stick with Loki. Secondly, if by ‘kept on being his usual self’ you mean the immediately following scenes wherein he helps Thor go get revenge on the monsters that killed Frigga and ultimately dies to avenge her and save his brother’s life, then you forgot the actual events of canon again and also inadvertently complimented him by saying that’s normal for him.

EDIT: You know how you can watch something a thousand times and somehow it takes that thousandth time to catch something? Yeah. Anyway, Loki directed Kurse to Asgard’s power plant so he could turn the shield off. THAT is what he was directing him towards, it was to let the Elves in to get to Odin. He didn’t even unknowingly lead Kurse to Frigga, Kurse just went where Malekith was, and Malekith found Frigga because she was guarding the Stone. Kurse would have killed her anyway, Loki’s actions had no bearing on that. Hold him responsible for getting the shield shut down and letting more Elves in (while still referring to point 1 for why), but Frigga’s death never had anything to do with him because Kurse got out anyway. Loki just doesn’t know that. But a character blaming themselves doesn’t mean they’re right.

Number 6

1) Another thing I wish would stop cropping up in all discussions of Loki. Stealing the Tesseract isn’t his ~thing~. I’m annoyed with this one just on principle lol.

2) “Throughout all the MCU movies, Loki has stolen the Tesseract at least thrice, each in three different movies. He just doesn’t know when to give up.” None of those times were just for the lolz like people say. In Avengers he had to get it for Thanos to save his life. In Ragnarok, what the heck was he supposed to do, leave an Infinity Stone floating around in space for anyone to get? It’s not like it would have been destroyed with Asgard. Better to take it and keep it safe. And in Endgame, while I felt that was starting to lean too much into ‘haha I love taking the Tesseract’ territory, it was to get away from the imprisonment and possible death that would have been waiting for him in either SHIELD or Asgardian custody. Loki does everything for a reason.

Number 5

1) “[...] he immediately embraced his evil tendencies.” ROFL I’m sorry but the idea of THIS kid having had prior evil tendencies is actually hilarious.

2) “[...] killing countless innocents on Earth [...]” In canon, there were 74 fatalities in the Battle of New York, which were caused by the Chitauri that Thanos sent rather than directly by Loki. Loki’s personal kill count on Earth can be listed on one hand — literally, it’s something like 5 confirmed onscreen deaths by his hand, with several other unconfirmed ones because we just see him attack but not how badly people got hit. The 80 people that Natasha mentions were the SHIELD agents that went down with the base in the beginning, which wasn’t Loki’s doing, outside of the few guards he killed when he got there. That was pretty easy to count.

3) “[...] and probably other planets as well.” Supposition. Not even the slightest bit of hinting of that in canon. Next.

4) Loki himself was being tortured and under extreme emotional duress and mental manipulation during this movie. Not that he’s automatically 100% absolved of responsibilities, because he did make choices of his own, but again - CONTEXT. This was a fight for his life. He was not well, physically, mentally, or emotionally. There is almost nothing he did in this movie that he would do under normal circumstances in his right mind.

5) “In addition to that, he also put his homeworld of Asgard in constant danger. Odin’s words about Loki being followed by death and destruction wherever he goes definitely rang true.” If you’re referring to the first movie when he lets the Jotuns in, both instances of that were planned in such a way that no Asgardians were supposed to be in danger; he couldn’t have known the guards to the vault wouldn’t be able to take them (and that first plan was intended to protect Asgard from a young and arrogant Thor’s reign; another of few instances that can count as betrayal, but done with reason), and the second time he brought them in was specifically to kill them because, with the combination of his unstable mind and the kind of things Odin praises, he thought it would finally gain him approval from his father (and he was raised with no regard for Jotun lives therefore he didn’t even grasp that it was wrong). That’s the only time Asgard was even slightly jeopardized by Loki. In every single other instance, he is pretty darn devoted to protecting Asgard. Time and again. Odin’s words are a load of crap. Loki has only been surrounded by things like that in the last couple of years, when out of his right mind or coerced or both. This is not something that has always been, and it’s certainly hypocritical for Odin of all people to be making accusations like that when he and his favorite son have done worse things. Heck, Thor’s body count on Jotunheim in the very beginning is on its own a larger number than Loki’s body count in the entire MCU, all for being called a princess. Many of the heroes in the franchise have worse — even significantly worse — body counts than Loki.

Number 4

1) Tortured and controlled by Thanos. Next.

2) “[...] the culmination of all of Loki’s plans ever since he left Asgard to become a villain.” For one thing I love how this makes it sound like he made the conscious decision to run away and be a villain lol, but I just... you remember how he left Asgard, right? When he made a suicide attempt by falling into the void that he could not possibly think he would survive through? He didn’t exactly have future plans in mind. He was trying to die.

3) Now you’re only assuming people died? I thought it was countless?

Number 3

1) This wasn’t a takeover of Asgard. Frigga, who knew that he’s a Frost Giant, appointed him as regent for the time being. What he did with the power is what’s questionable, but the way he got it was completely legit. There was no scheming — he didn’t even want it at first. The thought of proving himself got to his head but he didn’t take the throne purposely nor was it illegally, or done in deception or under false pretenses.

2) While the things he did were wrong, it was not technically a betrayal of Odin or Asgard. He did what he did precisely because it was the sort of thing his father and his people would usually see as heroic. If you wanna call it a betrayal of Asgard for taking the risk of having Jotuns there, I guess, but not of Odin, and it was not done maliciously towards them. The ones who actually suffered for this were the Jotuns.

3) “[...] quickly transformed into one of Asgard’s most dangerous enemies.” He transformed into Odin’s enemy. If he were an enemy of Asgard he wouldn’t have spent his years on the throne protecting it.

Number 2

1) This one is mostly fair and I consider this to be the worst thing Loki’s done. However, this is hardly about shamelessness. This (and seemingly all of the article) is written in the assumption that his actions were done in his right mind. Again: he was in the middle of a mental breakdown. That doesn’t exonerate him but it’s sure as heck important context.

Number 1

(covered the image because no one needs to see that)

1) “[...] betraying the whole universe just because you can is pure evil.” Yeah, it would be. Good thing for Loki then that that’s not what he did. 

2) “Loki consciously served Thanos with the initial goal of becoming ‘king’ of the Earth.” Loki was consciously fighting to stay alive because disobedience and failure would mean unimaginable horrors.

Working with Thanos is NOT something he would do just because. As far as wanting to be king of Earth goes, Thanos canonically messed with Loki’s head. He made him think that was what he wanted, just like he dug into his mind to make him angrier at Thor. Thor himself, who has known Loki their entire lives, noted that his behavior and goals were uncharacteristic of him.

3) “It seems like Loki got his just desserts on that front.” Gotta say, I’m genuinely a little horrified when I see people say that Loki deserved that death. No one deserves to have their windpipe crushed and neck snapped brutally by their abuser. That was the most gratuitously graphic character death I’ve ever seen. Even if you think he wasn’t tortured by him before and willingly joined forces with him, he still wouldn’t deserve that fate. It’s too morbid for anybody. ‘Just desserts’ is supposed to be about justice. There’s no carrying out of justice here. It’s just senseless and cruel, and done to a man who had gotten out of the dark place in his life to start anew.

~~~~~

That was longer than I ever intended to let myself get worked up over a dumb ScreenRant post but I feel better with that out of my system.

Here’s to fact-checking before making accusations that have no basis 🥂

[cainov]

nonbinary — ever hear people say CAIN ROMANOV looks a lot like BILL SKARSGARD? I think HE/THEY is about 24, so it doesn’t really work. The ANTIQUE BOOKSHOP OWNER has lived in Livingstone for TWENTY-FOUR YEARS. They can be RIGHTEOUS, but they can also be EVASIVE. I think CAIN might be A SHEEP. ( snot goblin. 20. EST. she/they. ) 

hi hello ... decided 2 bring in my son ... my soft boy ... my light ... some of u may know him from watershed but ! here he is again ! forced upon u all. please love him as i’m very fragile. ** i’ve changed parts of his bio so !! if u think u knew all the deetz ,,, but please be warned that it’s PRETTY HEAVY STUFF !!

pleathe LIKE this to PLOT and i promise i will not abandon u all like the other times usfdg

TW: CULT LIFE, HEROIN USAGE / ADDICTION, DRUG ADDICTION / USE / ABUSE, EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION, ABUSE, MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES ( PTSD, ANXIETY ). if i forgot anything PLEASE tell me !!

a e s t h e t i c s

dangling limbs from tree branches, yellowed book pages, opened bottles of vintage wine, oversized sweaters and deep under eyes, bleached denim, worn leather gloves, cat hair against black cloth, fields of wheat, broken windows, descending staircases, tight-lipped smiles during public appearances, golden skies, light spilling from windows, stumbling over one’s own words, wire-framed beds, linens, wool scarves, making the wrong decisions; running, from others and yourself.

general information !!

full name: cain alexei romanov

nickname(s): cock and ball torture, N/A

b.o.d. - feb 19th, fuckin pisces

label(s): the fallen, the phoenix, the crestfallen, etc. etc.

height: 6′4″ jfc

hometown: livingstone, VT babey !!

sexuality: bi…? bi. yes. bi.

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biography !!

the eldest to vermont senator vaughn romanov and philanthropist adelaide romanov - they were born into a life of privilege in a very prominent family. they’re the eldest of five. 

with this background in mind - cain was taught to be the perfect citizen, the golden child, the all american ( willfully ignoring the fact that his father came from russian immigrants ) son. they were obedient, always staying within line.

several expectations for them included joining clubs at school such as model UN, debate, DECA, etc., sports (soccer, track, basketball, lacrosse - all throughout the years), student government (class president for at least one year), and maintaining a GPA status valedictorian-worthy.

was made to volunteer on the weekends at homeless shelters and food banks - to show the community how much of a gem he was, a darling - a perfect member of society.

his eagerness to impress pleased his parents and thus, he never had a problem with them. life was good for them. they attended church on sundays, sometimes wednesdays, did everything as a family. dinners and christmas photoshoots and new years eve parties, easter egg hunts and family reunions.

lived northside, not on the beach but close enough to it - a big fancy, seven bedroom, eight bath, two fireplaces and an expansive dining room - no pool, but a sturdy treehouse made by scratch.

his ~model citizen~ persona was just that - a persona, a charade. in the community and his family, cain was a hardworking citizen who upheld standards to follow. to classmates - from elementary school all the way to college - cain was the worst.

they were arrogant, harrowing, an outright bully who tore down others when he felt like it, often unprovoked - they were the senator’s son, and  a rich one at that - rules never applied to him because of his father and their family’s presence in the community. tattlers faced more consequences than cain ever did.

was the sort of person who’d genuinely look down at somebody if they had less than him. a narcissistic dickhead who cared about two or three people, tops, outside of his family. he was never physically violent, nor did he raise his voice - but that was what’s made it worse. cain spewed his classist bullshit with ease.

his best friends since childhood have been brooks hunter and michael green - a very troublesome trio based on their mutual love for power highs.

only redeeming quality back then was probably their protectiveness over his siblings - wasn’t the best person, but family was family.

went into political science + business to please their father, mainly - everything they’d been taught growing up was essentially to build them into a perfect little presidential candidate.

probably joined a frat though didn’t participate in parties too often - known for keeping his composition even when others resorted to violence, because he never liked to leave a bad press image. this attitude was the same when it came to parties and other ... taboo subjects,

sometime during college, two important things happened.

the first one was that he became a middleman / broker / whatever you’d like to call it. wasn’t producing product, but wasn’t dealing it. was the middleman, the connection between producers and dealers. it was for fun - never for profit. very hush-hush.

the second is that he met earl and may meyers. they were fellow volunteers at a thanksgiving food drive, and the older couple were immediately drawn to cain  - and him to them, essentially. to this day he can’t tell you what about them had been so appealing. just, the air around them was something else entirely. some would probably call it unhinged, some would call it comforting. they were kind folks, very down to earth, very religious and warmhearted. they liked his name being cain a whole lot; told him that he reminded him of their late son.

it was the beginning of his senior year in college for cain - a few years after he’d gotten started in the drug business - the couple volunteered more and more at the same places that cain would, the same times, almost as if they were learning his schedule. in retrospect, it was odd, but cain had never thought to suspect the elderly of anything ... deceiving. kept talking to them and it became a genuine friendship.

a few months into it, the couple started talking about the sin of wealth - god choosing only a select few when he cleanses the earth - only the worthiest souls - eventually they’d gotten into the rhythm of claiming cain was special. they could see he would be selected - see it in his aura, in their dreams - god personally speaking to to them, etc. etc.

it was ... oddly appealing to cain - like, maybe i am being constrained by capitalism and disappointing god - even though it had felt nearly ridiculous - it seeped into his mind.

this was essentially the result of emotional manipulation over a period of time - cain unsuspecting, unwilling to believe that he could be manipulated - always so sure in himself.

earl and may told him that they were going to leave livingstone - that there were so many more who had the same ideals as them, that it was time to join them - that it was time to prepare. cain held off from it, at first - having just graduated.

he had so much in livingstone - loyal companions and a close-knit family, a blooming side-business and a long-term girlfriend and an engagement ring burning in his pocket. he was still the same boy - cruel without cause. but he’d found himself surrounded by others, anyway.

within a month of newfound freedom - cain had a change of heart. the third most important event in his life had happened.

it was an average day - june, hot enough that sweat stuck to your skin, but not hot enough that you weren’t glad for it. a family bbq the entire day - relatives from all around - cain had been cleaning up with his mother when, out of nowhere, she had broken down in sobs.

essentially - after a long ... discussion, cain learned that they were not his father’s son.

in a fit of petty anger towards the beginning of their marriage, adelaide had cheated on vaughn. the result was cain.

it was the sort of news that breaks a person. his entire life - he idolized his parents, done everything they’d ever expect of him - let them mold him into whatever they pleased. to find out that his mother - a woman who, he had previously believed, could never tell a lie in her life - was a liar, and that his father - the man he looked up to most as a child - didn’t share the same blood as him.

cain unraveled. that week. several altercations, both sober and drunk - landing in county jail overnight - only to disappear without notice on june 21st, 2018.

it was treated as a missing persons’ case, the first week or so - until it had been determined that cain left on his own accord, then it was dropped much to the dismay of his family.

BEGINNING OF CULT / DRUG / MOST OF THE TRIGGER WARNINGS

only earl and may knew where cain went - because they had left together, cain’s last minute decision. cain’s mistake. the fourth most important thing to happen to him.

only hours away from livingstone - on the border between new york and vermont and not nearly far away as cain would had liked - was the cult’s location. they wore white linens and cotton - never mixed, and technology had been abandoned. prayers and daily chores.

it felt ... natural, at first - for the first three months - it was grand, in the beginning, peaceful, mind-clearing. they treated him differently - as if he were something special, as if his birth was a gift - a sign from the heavens above. cain come to undo his past’s damage. a leader, perhaps. the longer he stayed - the more apparent it became that he wasn’t who they had long waited for.

once they began slipping up - the members became displeased with him and punishments occurred - sometimes once a week, sometimes multiple. the memories are suppressed, for the most part - but they can’t forget the hands. pulling, and tugging, and gripping, and begging - asking him to repent, please, repent - head held underwater, counting seconds until his vision goes out - pulled out gasping and sobbing. it repeats in their mind - each day blurring into one another.

once he started reacting violently - they found ways to subdue him.

heroin intake - little by little, everyday - enough to leave him in a high he wouldn’t remember - enough to burn a hole through his memory.

with memories becoming dimmer each day - cain managed to sneak paper and pencil into his ~living arrangement~ and he wrote everyday - wrote as much as he could remember about livingstone, about his family, about his life before. sometimes he couldn’t remember what he’d written previously.

when these were found - it had been the final straw. they had dragged him, kicking and screaming and mind-numbingly high into place - a twisted reenactment / retelling of the mark of cain and a brand of the mark burnt permanently into his skin right above his heart - forehead not an option due to difficulties fully subduing cain (he bit them).

left to die in the middle of woods afterwards, with nothing but his writing and the clothes on his back - cain shouldn’t had had the strength to go on - but they did. they didn’t know what day it was - really, what year it was - but cain got up and cain ran. and cain, obviously, survived.

it was pure luck that cain had run into a truck driver who wasn’t doubling as a murderer - one who took him to the hospital - who essentially, gave cain another chance to live. cain was found on june 21st, 2019.

END OF CULT / DRUG / MOST OF THE TRIGGER WARNINGS. PROCEED WITH CAUTION. STILL MENTIONS OF TRAUMA / MENTAL HEALTH / RECOVERY / ADDICTION BEYOND THIS POINT.

immediately reunited by his family - everything went very fast. he couldn’t recognize his youngest sibling, but couldn’t remember why he’d left in the first place. couldn’t remember the name of his girlfriend, but the color of her hair and the way she smelled.

put into therapy and recovery for their addiction - vaughn romanov makes his announcement that he’s running for the 2020 election the day after cain is found and brought home. they’re not expected to be alright within a few weeks of therapy - but cain feels restrained, in a way - confined to the role he’d always had to play. expected to up, and continue with life as if he hadn’t endured an extremely traumatizing year.

is essentially forced to stay in livingstone for the time being - but cain has taken a few things into his own hands. they’ll go to therapy, work on their recovery - but, having no further interest in what he’d gotten a degree in - has decidedly bought himself an antique bookshop off of the owner looking to retire, and has taken shelter in the apartment above it.

with their four cats, of course. his parents agreed - purely to give him the space to recover whilst keeping him close to them. if only he hadn’t found recovery to be most helpful in the form of pills - his old business now turned into a way for him to get what he believes will make him better.

personality !!

to clarify - cain is no longer the douchebag they once were. kind of .. learned to be a better person with his entire experience - mostly a lot of self-blaming that boils down to karma and deserving what happened to him.

he’d always been a pretty ... quiet, person - even with the massive ego - but now, cain’s ... quieter. kinder, if not a little sarcastic. distant and not much for parties - that never changed - but it’s more of a ... restrictive, distance, than one of comfort.

smokes weed but rarely drinks - as if it’d make a difference with the pills addiction he’s using to battle his heroin one. 

like mentioned - they’ve got four cats. that’s their personality. had two of ‘em before he’d disappeared, and just got the other two probably ... yesterday, tbh. they’re named frank (big chungus when yelled - white and gray), brock (orange. fluffy. stoic. devours food.), shoelace (black-furred and missing an eye), and crunchwrap supreme (crunch for short, calico with bent ears).

probably has photos of their cats in his wallet.

parents help pay for the cost of owning the bookshop - though cain’s expected to fully take on the financial responsibility when he’s ‘well again’.

their memory is fucked. forgets a lot of things - short term, long term, it’s a struggle. managed to keep the notes they used to take back at the cult - so it helps, but not always. forgets dates, faces, names, events. he wakes up sometimes and doesn’t know where they are. 

they don’t sleep a lot, regardless - night terrors came with his trauma, and in an attempt to avoid ‘em, they don’t really ... sleep. only a few hours each night because it gets so bad.

cain suffers from severe touch aversion. skin-to-skin contact of any sort is enough to send them into an intense panic attack. they wear leather gloves more often than not, in an attempt to combat it without hindering them too much. not the biggest fan of body contact in general, even with clothes - but it won’t send him into a panic like bare skin will. makes it obvious from the get-go that he doesn’t like physical contact if somebody gets too close.

also dealing with ptsd and attends therapy every week - therapist recommended he kept writing after looking at his notes - so he does, keeps an entire journal where they write and like ... sketch a little, because it helps them cope. means more to them than it would seem.

they’re pretty blunt. won’t go out of their way to announce that they joined a cult, hence the disappearance - but won’t lie about their disappearance if the topic comes to it. cain doesn’t like delusions, doesn’t like secrets - doesn’t like unnecessary attention, either. 

being said uh ... cain sort of hates the new division ? anything that resembles a cult, he instantly hates. hates the watershed app too.

being in town keeps cain anxious, because they’re aware they’ve wronged a good amount of people - but it’s hard to remember who, and what, and when, and why - and it’s just. an entire ordeal of figuring out how to ... redeem himself to multiple people.

screwed over a lot of people when they left ! from their plugs / customers to their ex-girlfriend who they are, undeniably, still in love with - you can’t forget that feeling - to his friends.

isn’t ... aware that michael is in prison. isn’t aware that kieran is dead. hasn’t been told yet.

is high often ! says it’s just weed but ... it’s not !

hates cars and swimming and crowds - hates feeling trapped and will avoid it when possible. doesn’t want to be seen as unsociable, but it’s difficult.

climbs trees when overwhelmed and needs a space to think - has a tall tree right outside of the window of his apartment, on the side opposite of the street if that makes sense ?? can be found there often. like - won’t leave a conversation to go climbin’ but. y’know.

feels the need to redeem themself to ... everybody, really. wants to avoid conflict and wants to be a better person - they’re trying really hard but not everybody believes them.

really .. wouldn’t be surprised if people from livingstone were suspicious of cain, for whatever reason - they don’t have the best track record anymore !

 they’ve got a stutter that developed as a result of the trauma - their voice is damaged from screaming a lot. working on being less self-conscious about it, thinks there’s more important things to worry about. in general cain looks ... gaunt, too thin, generally unhealthy.

they can still definitely hold a conversation, and like i said they’re pretty…lowkey. soft, sort of. generally a quiet person and while they’re not the most social, they won’t be a direct asshole or anything. likes people! just…has low energy.

goes by he/they, doesn’t really care which one as he alternates pretty frequently.

very happy with being the owner of a bookshop - especially antique. feels more genuine than political science or whatever.

got really into the investigation of the cult he was part of - they got uncovered and arrested due to cain’s escape but there’s still branches out there - you could call him obsessed. willing to stick his nose where he shouldn’t, even though he really ... really shouldn’t.

wanted connections !!

so first and foremost - people who he’s grown up with his entire life. people he’s just. wronged. people who idolized him - people who envied him, who despised him, etc. etc.

would love ! a good amount of antagonistic connections because it fits the bill.

exes he’s dumped, old hookups, ex-friends, people he got into an argument with / fought before he disappeared last year.

ex-gf would be gr8 ! thanks ! will be holding american-idol-esque auditions.

any prominent families in livingstone that his family would know. family friends - family rivals. his siblings.

people he’s trying to redeem himself to - trying to prove his worth, that he’s better now. y’know.

old clients that he left in the dust !

people from his frat - people he used to go to the occasional party with.

people angry at cain, still. just. so mad. pissed completely.

some good ol’ reconnecting / reconciliation plots ! i’m a slut for slowburn friendships. enemies to friends.

people he used 2 bully.

wholesome shit, angst shit. i said slowburns but i love them. friends to enemies. enemies to bigger enemies. anything.

no. hookups. please. only previous encounters. nothing in the present. for obvious reasons.

except MAYBE sexual tension but the kind that hurts. maybe a fun, casual sexting thing. they’ve got needs too.

people who just hate his dad b/c politicians suck !

i imagine a lot of conversations between him n other people start out ... aggressive, because they’re mad at him. :/

people who are soft for them ?? people who are hard on him ?? make his life difficult but also uwu him.

i’ll rly take anything !! just like this so i can slither in !!

[sunyoonandstars]

BTS Reaction 12: They propose to you || HYUNG LINE

So, this incredibly sweet, fluffy and almost cringe-worthy request, unfortunately, took me a while to get to. 🙃 Nonetheless, I hope you’ll enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it. ☺️💖

A/N: Since these turned out to be a little longer, I split them up into Hyung Line and Maknae Line again. The Maknae Line Edition will follow shortly. 

FLUFF, just a whole lot of FLUFF

Word Count 4.710

1. Kim Seokjin / Jin

Tonight was supposed to be special, Jin had announced when he called to ask you to put on something nice before he arrived to pick you up. Naturally, you assumed he was merely referencing the restaurant he had chosen for tonight's date. He had made the reservation months ahead, as he let you know in the car. 

"It's one of Seoul's most excellent restaurants. They're especially famous for their masterly truffle pasta and their divine collection of the finest desserts."

Now that you finished the first two courses, you can undoubtedly agree. 

"This pasta was the best I ever head, Jinnie. Thank you for bringing me here. Tonight is just perfect," you sigh as your gaze wanders, getting lost in the marvelous view of Seoul's glittering nightlife a good fifty stories beneath your feet. 

"I'm glad you think so," Jin says, his hand reaching out across the table to hold yours. "I got us a window seat because I know how much you love this view."

"I do. Thank you so much, Jin. I don't even know what to say." You look over at him, smiling fondly, your glance being met with nothing but affection. "You always put so much thought into our little getaways from reality. You have no idea how much that means to me. Spending time with you like this, just the two of us, unbothered by your hectic lifestyle and my responsibilities. It's as if time stands still when I'm with you. Everything is better when you're around. Have I ever told you that?" 

"Yes, you have," he smiles, his grip on your hand getting a little stronger, reassuring. “On more occasion than one. And I feel the same, y/n. I love you and every single second I get to spend with you. That's why I'm always trying to make the most of our time together. Besides, you deserve nothing but the best." 

"Stop it, or I'm gonna cry," you whisper, only half joking. 

Right that second, the waiter arrives to present each of you with an exceptionally artistic and mouthwatering dessert in the form of a small strawberry mousse cake, sprinkled with edible flowers and confectioners sugar and completed by an arrangement of incredibly delicate chocolate ornaments. 

"Wow," you gasp. "This looks amazing. I love strawberries and chocolate. They're my favorite foods! How did they know?" 

"I may have tipped them off," Seokjin winks at you, now letting go of your hand to grab a silver fork. "But I'd treat this masterpiece with caution if I were you. Really savor it. One tiny little bite at a time."

"Of course I will," you shake your head with feigned indignation. "I do have some self-control, after all. And when have I ever not known how to appreciate the fine things in life?"

"Just saying," Jin shrugs his broad shoulders, eying you intently as you take the first forkful of the stunningly light strawberry mousse. 

"This is magic," you burst out after you have tasted another bite. "It feels like I'm eating a strawberry cloud. How is it so light and subtle and –" You pause. "What is this?" 

With eyes as big as dinner plates you stare at the shiny silver ring dangling from your fork. 

"Jin?" 

You can feel your heart beat faster, pound so heavily you're sure even Seokjin can hear from where he's sitting. 

"What –? How –?"

Breathless with excitement, you look over at your boyfriend who flashes you a radiant smile before he slowly takes a napkin and gets up to make his way to you, picking the ring off your fork with a telling grin. 

"Kim Seokjin, what the hell is going on?" you ask, your voice trembling. 

"Just wait and see," he calmly says, focused on cleaning the ring of any remains of light pink cream and bits sponge cake. Once he's done, he gets down on one knee before you, eyes locked with yours, his gaze unwavering and full of love and expectations as he holds out the ring and takes your left hand into his. 

"Y/n, I can imagine no other than you to spend the rest of my life with. You are the one with whom I want to keep on relishing the pleasures it has to offer just as well as overcome the obstacles it may send our way. You are the one for me. Sweeter than any dessert I ever tasted. Kinder than any person I ever met. Strong, beautiful and loving. Never too busy to take care of me and shower me with love and affection. You helped me become the person I am today and persevere even in moments when I had lost all confidence in myself and my abilities. You make me want to be a better man. You make me want to be your man and your man only. So, Y/l/n Y/n, will you make me the happiest man on earth and do me the honor of being my wife?" 

"Yes!" you soundlessly gasp, shaken by stifled laughter and tears of happiness. "Yes! Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!" 

"Good," he sighs, theatrically rolling his eyes, Jin's voice almost being drowned out by the applause echoing throughout the luxurious dining hall. "Because it took me ages to convince my mother that you are more than good enough for me."

“Oh?" 

"I'm joking," Jin chuckles, stretching to place a quick peck on your lips. "She loves you. As do I. More than anything." 

With these words, he carefully puts the ring on your finger. Mouth agape, you marvel at its beauty. The elegant silver band carries the largest and most brilliant diamond you have ever seen in real life. 

"Wow, Jin. It's – I don't know what to say. It's –"

"Stunning. Just like you. And, as I said, you only deserve the best." 

2. Min Yoongi / Suga 

"So, next year there's a gap in June, apparently. It says 'Recovery'. Does that mean you get two whole weeks off? All to yourself this time?" you ask as you slowly spin around in Yoongi's office chair, holding up his schedule and curiously eying the back of his head, waiting for any kind of reaction. Your boyfriend, however, doesn't pay you much attention and, instead, stays focused on the computer screen before him, still wearing one earphone. A mumbled "Hmm-hmm" is all you get in response. 

"Sooo ..." you continue. "How about I book us a flight to Hawaii already? You always wanted to go there again, with me, right?"

"I do. Want to go there with you. Someday. Not this June, though." 

"But why not?" you whine, flaunting your best pout despite the fact that he isn't looking. "If we book everything now, six months ahead, it's even gonna be affordable."

"Money isn't an issue, y/n," Yoongi sighs, his annoyance slowly starting to show. "But we can't go. Period." 

"Why, though? Give me one good reason and I'll shut up."

"Because we're gonna get married that week." 

"Ah, yeah, right ––" Only now, a few seconds after they have reached your brain, do Yoongi's words really sink in, causing you to choke on air. 

"We – What? Wait. What?" you stammer, almost falling out of your chair. 

"Ah, shit," Yoongi curses under his breath as he reaches for his desk's top right drawer, his back still turned on you. "I forgot something." 

Frozen in place, holding your breath, you watch as Yoongi takes out a small box and eventually turns around to face you. 

"Guess I should've proposed first," he mutters, not yet meeting your eye, utterly nervous if you aren't mistaken. 

"Sooo." Yoongi stretches out the syllable before he inhales deeply, straightening his posture as he rises to his feet and torturously slowly makes his way towards you. 

Cheeks tinted with a faint blush, he comes to a halt before you, his lean, pale fingers anxiously fiddling with a small black velvet box. 

"Oh. No way!" you gasp, bursting into incredulous laughter, one hand covering your mouth that you can't seem to close again. 

"Don't laugh at me," Yoongi grumbles, hiding his eyes behind a layer of shiny ebony hair. "This is bad enough as it is." 

"Oh, no! I'm so sorry, babe. I'm just – This isn't bad at all. I'm just surprised, that's all," you explain while you try to get up as gracefully as possible, an effort made all the more difficult by the fact that your legs have turned into jelly at this point. 

"Okay. Well, that was pretty much the point. So –" You can't believe your own eyes as you witness Min Yoongi actually get down on one knee. 

"Y/l/n Y/n, will you marry me?" he asks, looking up at you hopefully, Yoongi's eyes overflowing with fondness and fear at once and his hands, that now hold up the most beautiful diamond ring you have ever seen, trembling so violently, you're afraid he'll drop the priceless jewelry any second now. 

"Why are you even asking?" you laugh through tears of joy. "Yes! Yes! Of course, yes!" 

"Wha – What? Really?" he stutters, by the looks of it genuinely surprised. 

"Of course, idiot," you shake your head, smiling so broadly your cheeks hurt as you cup Yoongi's face with your palms and bend down to kiss his lips. "I love you like crazy."

"And I was almost sure you'd say no," he chuckles, Yoongi's previous anxiety visibly melting away from him as he now gets up on his feet again, still slightly week at the knees, it seems. 

"Your finger, please, Mrs. Min to be.” 

"Oh, of course," you giggle, the sound of that sending a hot and cold shiver of excitement down your spine as you hold out your left ring finger for Yoongi to place the ring on it. It fits perfectly. 

"How did you know my ring size?"

"Tae told me," he admits with a crooked grin. "You go shopping with him all the time, so …” 

"Ha. So this was a whole conspiracy, huh?" 

"Sort of." 

"But you picked the ring?" 

"That I did," Yoongi proudly nods, still holding onto your hand, his thumb tenderly caressing the back of it. "Do you like it?" 

"If I like it? I love it. It's perfect. Not too big, not too small, not too swanky but still incredibly beautiful. It must have cost you a fortune."

"It was nothing, really,” Yoongi nonchalantly shrugs, his eyes getting lost in yours as you look up from your ring to meet his glance. 

"You know this wasn't necessary, though, right? A fancy ring and all? I would've said yes even if you had put a piece of wire on my finger, Yoongi."

"I know," he smiles. "And that's why I love you." 

3. Jung Hoseok / J-Hope

"Thank you guys for coming today and making this possible. Like, I know how busy your schedules are, but, nonetheless, you made time to celebrate my birthday with me, and that means a lot," you announce, teary-eyed, before you go on to blow out the candles on top of the state-of-the-art birthday cake the guys had bought for you. 

After you have made your wish in silence, you take a look around into the seven beaming faces surrounding you, giggly boys watching with bright eyes as Hoseok dips his finger in the cake's creamy frosting and spreads it across your lips, just to kiss it off them again a few seconds later. Quickly, Jimin whips out his Polaroid camera and captures the moment on film before Hoseok can stop him. 

"Yah!" your boyfriend playfully scolds the younger one. "This was a private moment! Where's the respect?"

"Leave him be," you laugh, wiping off the remains of the frosting and observing the slowly developing photograph Jimin has handed you. "Thank you, Jiminie." 

He acknowledges your gratitude with a nod of his head, a proud grin curving his full lips.

"I'm glad we were able to preserve this memory," you continue, snuggling into Hoseok's side, your arm wrapped around his waist. "It's cute. See for yourself. You look so handsome." 

"Nah, you're the handsome one, jagi," Hoseok fondly smiles before he leans down to place a gentle kiss on your hair, his gleaming eyes flooded with affection. 

"And now –" Seokjin disrupts the silence that has, for some reason, started to occupy the candlelit room. "– we will all step out for a bit to get some more drinks and some food for dinner. It's getting late, after all. And we can't very well all live off of this tiny cake for tonight, can we now? We have seven hungry men here, just out of the practice room. We're gonna need some real food, am I right? Some meat, maybe, to mark the occasion?" 

"But, Hyung, you don't need all of us to buy food, right? That's not usually a seven-person job," Jungkook objects, pouty, nestling up to Taehyung on the sofa even more closely in order to demonstrate his unwillingness to leave the cozy spot that he managed to secure for himself. 

"It is today," Jin stresses, expressively wiggling his eyebrows. 

"Exactly," Yoongi comes to the aid, darting the youngest one an urgent gaze. 

"Ah. Oh. Right," Jungkook gasps, one hand wandering up to cover his parted lips, his doe eyes suddenly twice their usual size. "Of course. Yes." 

“Umm. What's going on?" you wonder aloud, by now clearly sensing the palpable tension having gotten a hold of the seven members, including your boyfriend. 

"Oh, nothing," Taehyung nonchalantly shrugs, giving you his sweetest smile. "We just thought, since it's your birthday and all, that you shouldn't be bothered with doing chores today. So, we're gonna prepare dinner for everybody. You always work so hard for us, cooking healthy meals, baking treats. Today it's our turn to treat you, y/n. And since it's your big day, we can hardly steal your precious boyfriend from your side. So you can keep him. I think the six of us can manage." 

"How very generous of you," Hoseok snickers, suddenly turning stiff in your embrace. His hands, interlocked with yours, are getting sweaty if you aren't mistaken. 

"Hey, guys!?" he calls after them as they are just about to leave the room, his voice oddly strained and strangely high-pitched. "Don't you think you could stay maybe just five more minutes? It's not even six yet. There's still time till dinner." 

"Nah-ah," Seokjin shakes his head, peering back over his shoulder with an ambiguous grin. "I'm sure you'll do just fine without us, Hope-ah." 

"Hobi?" you look up at him, brows raised questioningly. ”What's going on? Why the sudden awkwardness?" 

"Oooh," he mumbles, more to himself, it seems, as he gently frees himself from your embrace and starts pacing the floor of the living room, one hand buried in the pocket of his wide Jeans. "I don't know if I can do this. It was supposed to be perfect." 

"Hoseok, what's happening?" you ask as you make your way over to him, grabbing him by his shoulders to stop him from running in literal circles. 

"What was supposed to be perfect? My party? It is! It is perfect!" you assure him. "Everything is just right. The gifts, the cake, the company. Having you by my side all night long. This is more than any girl could ever wish for." 

"Yes. No. It's not that. Not the party," he mutters absentmindedly, avoiding your gaze. 

"Hobi, you're starting to scare me here. What's wrong?"

"Okay, I'm gonna do this." With these words, Hoseok takes a deep breath and gently shakes off your grasp to take a step back. He then goes on to briefly close his eyes and run a hand across his face before he gives you one of his blindingly bright smiles as if his little meltdown never even took place, in a matter of seconds miraculously having regained composure.

"This is a special day," Hoseok starts out. "Not only because it's the day the love of my life was born, my sun, my moon, my everything. The one person I fully trust in. The one who has proven to love me, all sides of me, the pretty and the ugly ones." He pauses, just looking at you, his eyes filling with tears. "I never thought I'd find you. But here we are. And that's why I want to make this day even more special. For the both of us. I've been waiting to do this for a while now. I bought the ring almost a year ago. Ask Tae. He was with me." 

You won't trust your own ears. 

"Hobi. Are you –"

Before you can finish your sentence, Hoseok falls down onto one knee, holding up an open ring box containing one of the most beautiful pieces of jewelry you have ever laid eyes on. 

"Y/l/n Y/n, will you marry me?" 

At first, you can't seem to find your voice. All that leaves your lips at first is a soundless gasp, a mixture of a stifled sob and a hysteric laugh. Before you, eventually, manage to string together a whole sentence. 

"Yes, I will. I will! Definitely! Oh my god, I can't – I can't believe it. Did you plan this? Were all the guys in on this?" 

"Yes. Yes, they were. They basically made me do it. I was so scared," Hoseok laughs, clearly relieved, struggling to get up on his feet, his legs trembling. His hands shake so violently, he barely manages to put the ring on your finger. 

"Wow, it fits perfectly," he remarks with surprise. 

"It does. And it's so, so beautiful, Hobi."

"An emerald. Green. The color that brought us together. Do you remember? When we reached for the same pair of socks?" 

"Yes. Yes, I remember," you sob as you throw your arms around his neck, burying your now tear-streaked face in the fabric of Hoseok's sweater. "It's perfect." 

"I'm so glad you think so," he whispers, rubbing your back in soothing circles. 

"Shit," you snivel. "I can't stop crying. I'm a mess now. Look what you've done to me!"

Half laughing, half crying, you lean back so Hoseok can get a good look at your red-rimmed eyes and runny makeup. 

"Aww, my beautiful jagi," he fondly smiles, softly brushing away your tears with the tip of his thumb. "As pretty as ever." 

After having taken in the sight of you for a few more seconds, Hoseok goes on to cup your cheeks with both his slender hand before he leans down to place a tender kiss on your lips. 

"Come on, future Mrs. Jung. Let's go and let the others know that I didn't mess up. I'm sure Jungkook will be sad to hear that he lost this bet."

4. Kim Namjoon / RM 

"Wow. An observatory?" you nod in approvement, craning to get a better look at the towering building rising into the starry night sky right in front of you. "Nice choice, Kim Namjoon. You never cease to amaze me." 

Smiling, you turn around to find your boyfriend's gaze. He seems genuinely relieved.

"Good," he sighs. "I was afraid you'd think it's a lame idea for our anniversary."

"Anniversary?" you repeat, questioningly raising a brow as you link arms with Namjoon and allow him to lead you inside. "But our anniversary isn’t due for another two months." 

"Well, that's our official anniversary. But three years ago today was the day we first met. Around this time, too.”

"Wow, really? I had no idea, to be honest," you admit, blushing slightly. 

"It's okay. I wouldn't have remembered, either, if I hadn't come across the picture in my phone's gallery by chance. You know, the one we took that night." 

"Yeah, I remember. And I kept whining about how I hated selcas. But you just took it anyway. And you said –" 

"The point of this is to preserve a meaningful moment, not to look like a model."

"Yeah," you chuckle. "And, all night long, I kept thinking 'Why does this guy talk like he's 50-something?'. At first, I thought it was an act, or whatever, the whole wise-beyond-your-age thing you had going on, especially once you got tipsy and started digging out the deep stuff. Didn't take me long, though, to realize that you just have an incredibly beautiful mind." 

You halt on your way upstairs to get on your tiptoes and plant a kiss on Namjoon's cheek. For a few seconds, you get lost in each other's eyes, his chocolate brown orbs reflecting nothing but the warmth and affection you, too, feel as you look at him, still unable to fathom the fact that this man is indeed yours. 

"I think you already had me at 'Mind if I join you in the reading corner', though," you muse as the two of you continue your way up, headed for the telescope. "Like, it was a party. And, judging by the kind of people present, I thought I'd surely be the only one taking the opportunity to ravage that incredibly well-stocked bookshelf. But there you were."

"Yeah. I'm really glad I decided to go to that birthday party, even though I didn't actually like the guy. And when those red Converses of yours first caught my eye, I couldn't help but think 'How ironic'. Because you looked so gorgeous, perfect even, just sitting there, literally the woman of my dreams – so beautiful, I was almost sure you were already spoken for."

"And I remember that you weren't all that subtle when you tried to find out if I indeed was," you laugh. 

"Yeah. It got kinda awkward for a second there," Namjoon grins to himself, dimpled cheeks turning a lively shade of pink. "I was never really good at talking to girls." 

"I didn't even notice," you lie, clinging onto his strong arm a little more tightly. 

"We're there," Namjoon then announces, slightly short of breath, when the two of you have finally reached the top of the stairway where you are being greeted by a patiently smiling elderly man in a blue laboratory coat. 

"This way, please," he points you in the direction of the Kepler telescope that takes up a large portion of the observatory dome. Namjoon grabs your hand, his fingers naturally interlocking with yours, and leads the way, positioning you right in front of the telescope. The astronomer briefly explains the essentials of its workings and adjusts it to your height before he excuses himself with a polite bow and swiftly leaves the room, not without darting Namjoon one last conspiratorial glance, though. 

"What's going on, Joonie? Shouldn't he stay here, so we don't, I don't know, break anything? Especially with you here?" you joke. 

"Very funny," he playfully pinches your side. "No, I think we'll be perfectly fine on our own from here on out. I've actually been here before a couple of times, so I have a pretty good idea of what is safe to touch. Besides, all you have to do is look through that lens." 

"And see what?" 

"Just look, and I'll explain."

"All right," you shrug, unable to notice a subtle shift in Namjoon's expression. Hesitantly, after giving your boyfriend one last scrutinizing glance, you do as you're told. And what you see takes your breath away. 

"Wow, Joon. The stars. I – They're so beautiful. And they look so close. So much brighter." 

"Yeah. We're fortunate the sky is clear tonight. Just as it was that night. Which means that these are, more or less, the exact same stars we saw when we looked up there three years ago, huddled together to keep ourselves warm while we waited for your bus to arrive.” 

"Wow. I – I don't know what to say, Namjoon. This – This is so beautiful. And thoughtful. I –” 

You can't take your eyes off of the galaxy spread out before you in all its beauty, trying to take in as much as of the view as possible.  

"I mean, I've always loved the stars –"

"I know." 

"But this – This is next level. This is unbelievable. Thank you so much for showing me this, Joon, and for creating yet another memory.” 

Reluctantly, you step back from the telescope and turn to face Namjoon whose full lips are curved by a fond smile. 

"I love this. It's perfect, Joon. It really is. I don't know how you come up with all these ideas." 

"You're my inspiration," he just says, those simple words causing your eyes to well up.

"I love you, Kim Namjoon. You know that, right?" you snivel, stretching so you can put your arms around his neck. 

"Yes, I know," he grins, his dimples making another glorious appearance. "But I never tire of hearing you say it. That's why I'm hoping I'm gonna get to hear you say these words for the rest of my life." 

You are just about to give a cheesy response, when, all of a sudden, as if he just remembered something important, Namjoon's expression turns distant and he starts frantically searching the pockets of his bulky coat. This little spell of anxiety go his is followed by a sigh of relief once he apparently finds what he was looking for. 

"Excuse me," Namjoon gives you a quick smile before he goes on to remove your arms from his neck and steps back, leaving you puzzled. 

"Come on, y/n. Let's go outside," he then suggests, already getting a hold of your hand.

"Outside? You mean, to the viewing platform? But isn't it freezing out there?"

"It's only gonna be for a little while. Please?" 

"Of course, if it makes you happy." 

"Very," he nods, virtually dragging you outside now. 

"Okay. You're weirding me out, Joonie. Is everything all right?" 

"I should hope so." 

"That doesn't sound very reassuring," you mumble, resisting his pull.  

"I know you're always so curious and impatient, y/n." Namjoon looks back at you, his smile wry. "But, please, just wait and see. You'll understand. I promise." 

"Okay ..." 

Eventually, you give in and allow Namjoon to lead you out onto the platform where he comes to a halt as soon as he seems to have determined the perfect spot for whatever he is planning to do. At this point, a million ideas of what that might be are racing through your mind, none of them reasonable. 

"What's going on, Joonie? Because something is.” 

With a gesture of his hand, Namjoon indicates you to keep quiet while he backs off by two steps and, the whole time maintaining eye contact, finally drops down on one knee, causing you to gasp in surprise. 

"Joon, I –"

"Shh," he cautions you jokingly. 

Half laughing half crying, you put a hand to your lips to keep them from blurting out further comments. 

Impatiently you watch him as Namjoon reaches for his right coat pocket, the movement leading him to lose his balance and, in an effort to regain it, hit his hand on the platform's banister. Cursing under his breath, he inspects the damage done to his reddening knuckles. 

"Shit, babe. Are you all right?" you inquire, struggling to hold in a laugh, as you grab your boyfriend's arm in order to steady him. 

"Yeah. It's nothing."

"Good. Go on then," you grin, stepping back again. 

"All right. This is not exactly going as planned," Namjoon commences with an apologetic grin, now breaking out a small velvet ring box holding a stunningly beautiful silver band, studded with numerous small yet scintillating diamonds. "But if you, Y/l/n Y/n, would take me as your husband, this shall be a moment I will forever treasure, despite its obvious shortcomings." 

"Shush. It's perfect," you chuckle through tears. "And it would be my honor to be your woman for life, Kim Namjoon." 

Smiling, he struggles to steady his trembling hands to place the ring on your finger, succeeding at the second try. 

”Hearing that, Y/n –,” Namjoon says in getting up and placing his hand on the back of your neck to gently pull you in for a kiss. “– makes me the happiest and proudest man on earth." 

Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed them. ☺️

The Maknae Line Edition will follow shortly.

And here you can find my Masterlist if you feel like checking out more of my BTS fiction.

Take care and have a great day! 💖

NONE of the GIFs used are mine. Credit goes to the initial creators. Thank you for your hard work and dedication.

[pellicano-sanguino]

Wasted potential in fiction is worse than a story that’s just bad overall.

If someone had asked me couple years ago what vampire books I liked the most, one I would have definitely brought up was Vampire Winter by Lois Tilton. 

It’s a post-nuclear story, where a vampire is at first joyful that the fallout clouds cover the sun both day and night so he is free to hunt whenever he wants but things get worse rather soon. Turns out humans who have been exposed to the radiation have turned undrinkable, poisonous for even vampires. Also, the amount of survivors is small and getting lesser by the day as desperate people leave their shelters to find food and supplies and run from looters, risking radiation poisoning. The vampire who used to kill his victims without mercy is at a situation where he can’t afford to lose a single healthy human to avoid starvation. So he strikes a symbiotic deal with a bunch of humans: since he is unaffected by radiation, he will wander out and bring them food, medicine, even books to pass their time, in exchange for blood donations. This is what I remembered from the book, and thought it good, because I’m a sucker for interesting relationship dynamics between a vampire and their donors.

However, I re-read the book recently and was surprised. It wasn’t nearly as good as I remembered it. The interesting symbiotic relationship between the vampire and his donors only lasts a short period of the book and then they go their separate ways and the vampire for some weird reason just goes back to killing his victims again. Also, there was a lot of completely unnecessary violence towards women. The book tries to have a message of “in hard times it’s better to spare lives and co-operate than divide into groups all against each other” and that “every life is precious” but then goes and has the donors leave behind a mentally handicapped girl for the vampire to kill because she would just be “a burden” for the survivors. Also, there’s a fucking gang rape scene. I’m...   confused...   how did I ever convince myself this was a good book?!

The problem was that my memories were too focused on the one part of the book I found super fascinating. The vampire-donor symbiosis plot was such a great story idea that I actually forgot the rest of the book is shit. I was too intrigued by the story’s potential I failed to notice it doesn’t properly utilize the great idea it had and just turns into a gross masculine violence fantasy.

It’s a shame, because with little changes, this could have been an awesome book. But it completely wasted its potential and left me much more disappointed than would have been the case if it were just a regular old shitty vampire novel with nothing new and interesting added.

I just finished a new book that has the same problem and it infuriates me. It’s a book that has some really great parts but then goes and ruins everything. This book is called Pure Mua (”Bite Me”) by Terhi Tarkiainen. I know, writing about a Finnish book in Tumblr might be useless, since what are the chances Finnish vampire enthusiasts will find my posts, but I want to vent my frustration about it somewhere. So here goes.

Finnish vampire fiction is a rare species. There are some short stories but the only novel I can think of is Jarkko Laine’s Vampyyri, which is a very...   specific Finnish literature category; a “tuskapaskakirja” (literally, pain-shit-book) where everyone is miserable and things just get more and more depressing until the whole garbage reaches a lame anticlimax like a bowl of ice cream I accidentally put in the refrigerator instead of in the freezer. Not my kind of book. So, when I heard the rare species had spawned a new book, Pure Mua, I got curious.

My expectations about the book were mixed. I generally don’t like modern Finnish literature. The few books of it that I had to read back in high school or by getting them as gifts were at best incredibly boring and at worst insufferable pretentious artsy junk. However, this book looked like it aimed to be entertaining, not fake deep and for intellectuals only. It whispered a promise of genuinely embracing its own cheesiness. And, well, I do like cheese.

So I read the book. And my opinions remain conflicting with one another. I can’t really say if I liked it or not because for every part that was done well there was something that seriously rubbed me the wrong way.

The story itself is really well written. The text flows naturally and is pleasant to read, the narration is occasionally very witty and humorous. The plot twists are unpredictable which is unfortunately rare in this genre. Vampire fiction is so full of reused story ideas that they often turn out rather predictable. But this book surprised me several times. Of course, unpredictability shouldn’t be valued by itself. Writers who intentionally lead the reader in one direction only to pull a carpet under their feet or who make their characters behave in unreasonable and inconsistent manner just to get a juicy plot twist, usually don’t produce good quality stories. These plot twists however feel natural and well planned, not there just for the shock value. The plot also escalates constantly, forcing you to read chapter after chapter because you don’t want to leave it at an intense cliffhanger.

Since the vampire fiction is full of reused story ideas, it’s rare that I come across a book that has something I haven’t seen before. The basic premise of this book is that since vampires aren’t classified as humans, human rights don’t apply to them and there’s a ring of illegal slave trade where a “kennel” produces “specimens” for the rich assholes who want to turn their fantasies of dating a hot vampire into reality. Human trafficking basicly, only with vampires. I have not bumped into this story idea before. Usually the power dynamics are reversed, the vampires being the cruel monsters who do horrible things to humans. I know the whole “humans are the real monsters”-trope is old and overused, but surprisingly rarely does it happen in vampire fiction. I guess it’s because to a lot of friends of this genre vampires are a power fantasy and they wouldn’t enjoy seeing them tamed and subjected to something as horrifying as human trafficking.

So, the book turns the traditional vampire/human power dynamics upside down. However, the protagonist actually doesn’t want the pet vampire her nutty parents bought her as a birthday present. She tries to find a way to safely release him back “into the wild” but has trouble coming up with a solution on how to do it and ensure he won’t be recaptured by the trafficking ring again (since he is chipped). 

Next I’m going to spoil the last plot twist of the book. Turns out the trafficking ring is led not by humans but by a loony communist vampire who has a diabolical plan. He intentionally made vampire pets a trend among the filthy rich and then once every elite household in Finland has one, he intends to shut down the safety chips that give the vampires electric shocks if they attack their masters and let the hungry, abused, vengeful vampire slaves drink all the greedy capitalist pigs.

And this is...   supposed to be the main villain of the book. I’m supposed to be appalled and horrified by this impending slaughter of innocent humans. Well. Does it make me a monster if I say I think this is a great plan? Everyone who buys a personal sex toy from a human trafficking ring deserves to be devoured by ravenous vampires. The fact that the victims of slavery aren’t technically human here changes nothing since their intelligence is identical to ours. And creeps who would buy a vampire would definitely buy a woman or a little girl too. 

Everyone who thinks slavery is a fun hobby that the elite should be allowed to do again deserves to be killed by their slave.

The slavery theme is one of the reasons I have such conflicting opinions about this book. It’s such a horrifying scenario and you really, really want to see the main vampire freed from it, you want to see him and the main character succeed in their attempt to destroy the vampire slave trade. But then the book decides to focus less on the horrors of slavery and...    actually romanticize prostitution. The vampires in this book’s universe are all nymphomaniacs and addicted to sex. Umm...   ok, your world, you do what you want. But I really can’t stand the stereotype of seductive, nymphomaniac prostitutes, who do it because they enjoy their “work”, considering how the harsh reality of prostitution is something completely different. “She likes it anyway” is a lie slimy old men tell one another to feel less guilty when they go to Thailand to “play minigolf.” Hurk. Hork. Barf. I know this is fiction and the vampires aren’t human (and we don’t see female vampires) but I really wish people would stop writing this character type. Also, I hate stories where a noble person saves a prostitute and is “rewarded” by their love (in other words, gets to fuck the prostitute anyway, feeding into the idea that “nice guys” who protect women from creeps deserve sex as a reward.)

I give the book one point for the scene where the protagonist starts to caress her slave when she’s super drunk but then is startled and horrified at what she did, thinking that she has become a monster.

If there’s one thing I hate even more than romanticizing prostitution, it’s sexual violence. Thank goodness this story doesn’t have that but it’s bad enough that one male vampire constantly threatens the protagonist with rape. And I’m supposed to care about this guy and worry about what will happen to him. There’s something so disgustingly...   male...   in the thought process that when you want to hurt someone, your first thought is rape. When a woman sees a person they love being abused by someone, she might beat the abuser into a fine pulp but no, women do not rape, women do not use sex as a torture devise. If a guy gets hard from anger and wants to fuck someone he hates there is something seriously wrong with him and he needs to seek help. Men are scum!

This book isn’t a particularly pleasant read for a feminist anyway. With the exception of the protagonist, all female characters are lazily written, unconvincing, misogynistic cardboard cutouts. Male characters on the other hand are, with the exception of the main villain, painted as flawed but sympathetic. The protagonist has a stalker ex who doesn’t understand the concept of “no.” I was convinced this creep would turn out to be a villain in the end, trying to kill the protagonist because “if I can’t have you, no one else can!” Because everything he said and did kept raising the red flags. But no, I’m supposed to find him charming and loveable and his stupid bratboy jokes soooo hilarious. The book wants me to think of all the women except protagonist as either mean-spirited bitches or dumb blondes (your “I’m not like other girls”-complex is showing...) and feel sympathy towards a creepy stalker and a guy who threatens women with rape. Right. Is this some het culture bullshit or just what exactly am I not getting? Also, if your only way to make the heroine likeable is to turn all the other women into cartoonishly evil or ridiculously immature and stupid so that she'll look better in comparison, the reader will become suspicious of her character (because exaggerating the faults in others while claiming you yourself are perfectly innocent is a strategy used by narcisstic, manipulative jerkfaces).

I’m also rather disappointed that the book relies on stereotyping Fenno-Swedes. Fenno-Swedes are the Swedish speaking minority, descendants from rich Swedes that were given land here back when Finland was part of Sweden. Because many of them are still in the upper class, having inherited their ancestors land and wealth, the middle and lower class Finnish speaking Finns tend to be racist towards them, considering them smug elitists and disgustingly rich capitalists who never had to work for their wealth. Making the main character a Fenno-Swede and then giving her behavior that strengthens the prejudice against “bättre folk” is just really lazy writing, it’s like having a romani character and having her do shoplifting. Sure, the protagonist wants to be different than her gross parents who would buy a sex slave as a gift, but her attitude towards money is the same indifference. Oh, I smashed my phone to pieces because the phone call made me angry. Oh well. Pappa betalar. 

There’s a scene where the protagonist and the stalker ex witness a protest that consists simultaneously of racists who want to close the borders and unemployed who blame the government for their poverty (right. You really want to draw “equals as” sign between crazy nationalist bigots and unfortunate people trapped in unemployment hell? Fuck you, fuck you so much.). The protagonist asks where all this hatred comes from and the stalker ex explains that when a person is in a bad situation in life they seek scapegoats to blame for their troubles, whether that be foreigners or politicians. But since we’ve already gone the route of giving the protagonist stereotypical Fenno-Swede behaviour, why not let her voice the opinion of “If the lower class is angry at the upper class it’s because they project unfair blame onto the rich, surely their suffering has nothing to do with the elite’s greed and misuse of power.” Now, opinions like this wouldn’t matter to me normally, because characters are allowed to be flawed, but when those flaws rely on harmful stereotypes, it’s disappointing.

I want to like this book. It’s so genuine and entertaining and well written. But I threw up in my mouth so frequently while reading it that I don’t think I care to read it another time. If it was written a little differently, I would probably love this book. But there’s no use crying after wasted potential. I can’t help but praise the book for the parts that are really good, but I can’t recommend it either. I would have preferred it to be either all good or all shit, not this mixture of gold and rust.

[imgilmoregirl]

Hi! I had just reas your little thing about Alice and Robin, and I were wondering if you could write that Rumbelle scene you talked about, that angst moment of losing the child...

Oh, anon, you just asked for angst to the right person. I should quit writing such dramatic scenes, but uh, well, I can’t, so here we go! I’ll be answering the next prompt tomorrow morning, because I’m off to do some stuff right now ;).

This work can also be found on AO3

Summary: Rumple and Belle wanted a second chance at parenthood, but sometimes, things don’t go as planned.

Gone Too Soon

Theywere happy, genuinely happy. Belle found out during their trip to Italy, morespecifically in Verona, such a beautiful place that she had been wanting to seefor so long. Their flight to there had been a torture a her, as her stomach hadbeen twisting painfully all the time and nothing she ate stayed there for toolong. Gideon was six at the time, distracting himself with an animated moviewhile his papa took care of his mama, offering her water when she started tolook pale, wondering what kind of illness she could have.

However,when they landed, Belle told him to wait while she supposedly went to thedrugstore to buy some medicine and went back a while later with the pregnancytest hidden safely inside her bag. She took it as soon as they arrived thehotel, the tears streaming down her face when it came to be positive. They hadbeen trying for another child for years now and she couldn’t believe they werefinally getting it. Belle wiped her tears and prepared herself to dinner,wanting to make a surprise to Rumple.

Thefamily went to nice restaurant where Gideon ate lots of pasta, as they talkedand she guaranteed her husband she was feeling better than never. By the end ofthe night, when Rumple had tucked Gideon into bed and met her in the balcony,Belle gave him the test, wrapped in golden paper, with a beautifully silver bowon it. He kissed her fervently telling her how much he loved her and how he wasgoing to spoil that baby and she laughed happily in his arms, because she hadeverything she wanted now.

Gideonwas pretty excited with the prospect of being a big brother and they continuedto travel as the weeks went by, Rumple constantly taking pictures of her. Hewas mesmerized to get the chance to watch the growth of her tiny bump as hehadn’t in any of the previous times he became a father and she couldn’t be moredelighted to be sharing this with him. But deep down, Belle knew that whenthings seemed to be too perfect, it was because something bad was about tohappen. And it in fact didn’t take long to.

Itwas their second day in Greece and she had spent a long time playing withGideon in the pool splashing water in his face as he did the same with her,just as if she was a kid too. Rumple had a good laugh watching them and he evengot to swim a little too. Everything was nice and sweet and she ended the nightcurled in his arms, too tired to do anything other than sleep. The pain hadstarted after dinner but she didn’t pay much attention to it, because shethought it could be due to something she ate, but by the time she went to bed,it had become something really uncomfortable.

Bellehid her face on Rumple’s chest trying to take a deep breath as she covered herstomach with a hand, feeling the firm curve that should assure her that thechild was growing strong and healthy, but the pain was there, just like cruelcramps like the ones she had sometimes during her period. However, sheshouldn’t be feeling it now and the panic started to fill her, making her heartrace as she looked up at her husband.

“Rumple,something is wrong with the baby,” Belle said, watching as his calm eyesbecame wide. “I’m in pain.”

Hesat up on the bed, bringing Belle with him and looking down as his hand touchedher bump, that was went he noticed that her pyjama bottoms were damp and red.

“Sweetheart,you’re bleeding.”

Shegasped and, in a heartbeat, he was on his feet, getting dressed and wakingGideon up, telling him they needed to take mama to the hospital, but Bellecouldn’t move. It was like her whole world had been paralyzed and all she coulddo was to stare at the mattress as it got wet with the blood that was drippingfrom her. She sobbed, covering her belly, as if she could protect her baby fromthe inevitable, she silently prayed it was just a scare and that everythingwould be fine in the end, but her heart was flipping so painfully that she knewhoping for the best was the only thing she could do to calm herself down.

AllowingRumple to tuck her into a black overcoat, he pulled her up into his arms,taking Belle to the car they had rented and driving her to the hospital, ascared Gideon watching everything quietly. She remembered being taken inside awhite room by doctors who didn’t speak her language, remembered about Rumpleusing magic to translated everything they said, before the tears started tofall from his own eyes and they left them alone in the room, so she could get sometime to prepare herself.

Herhusband held her hand tight, kissing her knuckles and brushing the hair awayfrom her face. She hadn’t understood a thing the doctors said, but somehow, sheknew exactly what was happening, she just didn’t want to accept.

“I’mso sorry, sweetheart,” Rumplestiltskin murmured to her ear. “Theycouldn’t find a heartbeat and they said you’re already miscarrying. The doctorwants to end this already and just clean you, make sure there is nothing left, soyou won’t get an infection.”

Herchin trembled and Belle sobbed, holding his hand firmly to her womb as hepressed his forehead to hers, their tears getting mixed on her face.

“Iwanted it,” she cried. “I was so ready to be a mother again.”

“Iknow, my love, I was too,” Rumple agreed. “But it doesn’t have to bethe end, we… We can try again.”

Sheshook her head. Belle was feeling horrible, laying there watching life fadefrom within her, the child she had been expecting to hold in her arms in acouple of months, simply gone with the blood wash. Before today, she hadn’ttruly known that something could feel so terrible.

“No,”she said, decided. “We’ve known pain enough, you lost Bae, we almost lostGideon, and now this poor baby is gone. My heart can’t take another loss,Rum.”

“You’reright,” he said in a voice that showed he was suffering too.

Ablondish doctor came back inside the room some moments later, saying a coupleof things to Rumple before she started to prepare herself. Belle looked awayfrom the tools she was selecting, not wanting to think about all of them goinginside her to take off the placenta that still made her belly look a bitswollen.

“Doyou want me to stay here with you?” Rumple asked as the doctor settledherself between her legs.

“Yes,please, don’t leave me.”

Henodded, gripping her hand more firmly in his. Belle closed her eyes, feelinghim pet her hair as it all come to an end. She was glad there wasn’t any pain,but once she felt herself completely empty, she started crying again. They wereled to another room, where she could get some rest, but as tired as she was,Belle couldn’t manage to sleep, because all of her plans for the future hadbeen interrupted in that day.

“Hushhush, sweetheart,” Rumplestiltskin murmured to her, trying miserably tomake her feel better, “it will be fine.”

“Thenwhy it hurts so much?”

Hedidn’t have an answer for that, because he could barely cope with his onlyfeelings right now, so the only thing he did was to kiss her tenses and hug heras she cried, until the door was opened to let Gideon in. Rumplestiltskin hadalmost forgot that he had left his boy waiting with some nurses and a couple ofchocolate bars, but someone must had told him where they were and by how preoccupiedhe seemed Rumple thought it was better if he just stayed inside there with themuntil Belle could go home.

“Hey,”Gideon whispered.

“Comehere, my boy, give your mama a hug.”

NoddingGideon rushed towards them, climbing up the hospital bed and cuddling againsthis mother, allowing her to pepper some kisses to his face, bathing him withher tears.

“Youknow what?” He asked his wife. “We are going back to the EnchantedForest as soon as you are recovered. I know how much you miss that place.”

“Wouldyou really take us there?”

“Ofcourse,” Rumplestiltskin tried to smile, but it was impossible. “Itwon’t fix anything, but it will give us a new perspective.”

“Anothernew beginning, huh?”

Bellethought it was supposed to be a good thing for them to start again, even morein such a beloved place, where they had met and everything begun, but she wouldgive anything to have her old plans to become true. But just for tonight, sadand disappointed as she was, Belle would dream with the Dark Castle: Rumplespinning, Gideon reading, her dressed in blue and a beautiful baby sleepingsoundly in her arms. Just tonight it would be real and then she would deal withher loss.

[cajunquandary]

Drunk Texts and Memories

The Cannon Ball Series

Series Warnings: Alcohol use, implied smut, mentions of abuse, PTSD, scars, canon level violence, some torture, probably equal parts angst, fluffiness, and plot.

Series Pairing/Characters: Dean x Reader, Sam, Castiel, Crowley, Rowena various characters

A/N: This series is the brainchild of my love for Rob Benedict’s version of Dink’s Song and began as my second ever attempt at writing fanfiction. After realizing that I should probably edit it (due to the excruciatingly painful amount of errors I found), this is the third-time re-write of the story. Questions, comments, and suggestions are always welcome! Enjoy J

Part One: A Jukebox and a Lose-chester  

Part Two: A Curious Case and a Boat

Part  Three: Drunk Texts and Memories

Summary: You’ve been missing, held captive in the desert, memory of your former life having fallen away for the most part. You’ve escaped, and now have to find your way home…

Word count: 4100

Jeremiah hissed as the holy water splashed across his face again.

“Tell me. Where. She. Is.” Sam seethed.

“I told you, Winchester,” He spat, “I burned her alive. But I broke her first. Oh how I wanted to watch her kill you. You soiled my plans, though, and left me no choice.”

Dean stabbed the demon in the leg and twisted, making him pull against his restraints, but between the devil’s trap, restraints soaked in holy water and multiple stab wounds from an angry, impatient Dean, the evil son of a bitch wasn’t going anywhere.

Dean turned away, wiping the back of his hand across his face, refusing to let the demon see that he was getting to him. Y/N couldn’t be dead. Sure, the Storage unit had burned to the ground, but Cas promised that the human remains there were not yours.

“Fine.” Dean turned back around. “Cut the crap, we know you’re lying. Last chance—tell us, or the next one’s through the heart.” Dean yanked the knife out sideways, slicing a little further as he went. He levelled it over the demon’s chest.

“I burned her alive, and oh how she screamed… It was beautiful. You should’ve been there.”

Crowley appeared behind Dean. “Let me have a crack at him.”

Dean turned to him. “And what makes you think he’ll talk to you?”

“Uh, King of Hell, darling.”

Dean looked back at Jeremiah, fear finally on his face. “Okay. Talk or I throw you to Crowley.”

“Okay fine, fine! She got away. She’s somewhere in the desert around Del Rio. She probably is dead by now!”

Sam and Dean shared a look. “Too bad, that’s not good enough,” Dean motioned for Crowley to take the demon. Sam broke the trap, and the king of hell and his new chew toy vanished.

“It’s been a week man—in the desert…” Dean voiced his new concerns to his brother.

“She’s strong, Dean. She’s okay. She has to be.”

~

You’d caught a ride with a trucker who had a sealed, hidden compartment in the cab after three days of walking and wandering through the desert, nothing but plains of cacti and sharp bushes in view until you’d reached the highway. The compartment had just enough oxygen for you to survive while going through border patrol. When the truck began moving again, he knocked on it twice. You emerged, happy to finally be back in the land of the free completely. You plopped into the passenger’s seat and buckled.

“So what are you running from girl?”

“I was abducted, and I don’t want to be found again.”

“You look thin. How about a burger to celebrate your new freedom? I’ll pay.” His smile was kind, genuine. You didn’t know what it was, but you felt you could trust him.

“A burger… sounds like heaven! Thank you.”

He grunted.

Nothing had ever tasted as good as that burger. Real food. In between bites, you tried to hold polite conversation with the man. “What month is it?”

“January. I know, unseasonably warm. I think winter forgot us this year.”

“Only January? It felt like I was gone ages. It was January when I went missing.” After the final bite of your burger, what you said sank in. “What… what year is it?” You looked up slowly, not knowing if you wanted the answer to the question.

His brows furrowed and he answered. It had been a year. You’d been gone a year. A year and two weeks.

“Honey… do you know where you’re heading? The truck is mine, and it’s my own company. I can take you anywhere you need to go.”

You tried to remember where home was again, but all you saw was the kitchen, and the brothers you loved teasing each other in it. A shadow of wings cast against a bookcase, the smell of sulfur, leather, and whiskey. “I don’t remember.”

“Well, let’s start by getting you out of this state. Where would you want to go?”

“Louisiana, I think. Yeah, I have family there, in Shreveport.”

“Okay, Shreveport it is.”

You watched the highway as the miles rolled by, too captivated by all of the movement you’d been so deprived of to sleep. About nine hours later, you reached the bustling town. Night had fallen again and you marveled at downtown, the casinos all lit up, especially the tall, golden building called the Horseshoe. You remembered—that had been your favorite building in all of Shreveport since as long as you could remember, something you’d decided when you were a child. Not much else came to you though.

The truck pulled into a motel parking lot soon, and Hank, the ever friendly trucker, paid for two rooms, adjoining, in case anything happened and you needed him in the night, as he’d explained.

The bed felt weird as you settled into it, too soft. After tossing and turning for a bit, you slipped onto the floor. Yes, this was better. Familiar. You slumbered at last.

~

Crowley had searched the entire desert several times over for you—any sign of you, dead or alive, and found none. Castiel had managed better, at least finding your essence left on the gas can abandoned on the edge of the highway, just past Uvalde. Beyond that, you’d disappeared completely.

“She probably got a ride, Dean.” Cas tried to comfort him.

“Then why hasn’t she called yet, huh?” Dean was pacing and pulling at his hair, something he seemed to be doing a lot more lately as hope rose and fell in him.

“Perhaps she’s forgotten the numbers in the time she’s been gone. We don’t know what she’s been through yet.”

Dean turned on Cas, venom in his tone. “You take that back. She hasn’t forgotten. She can’t. She just can’t.” Cas just looked down at his hands, wishing he had the power to find you.

~

By March, you’d gotten a job as a waitress at at little gumbo shack, said goodbye to Hank and thanked him for his kindness, and become a long-term resident at the motel. For some reason, the dingy room felt more like a home than any of the apartments you’d looked at. You never did remember if you for sure had family in the town, and hoped you would know them if you saw them.

You were friends with the head cook and the other waitress you worked with. You had a roof over your head, and were happy. It was a small, simple life, but it was all yours, and you felt safe.

“Wanna hit the bar tonight, see if you come out of your shell and flirt with someone?” The waitress, Kristen, was persistent that you meet someone—anyone.

“You know I only have eyes for you, love,” You replied, but nodded in agreement. “Alright, I’ll bite. I’ll meet you there after I change.”

You’d both just finished your shift at the gumbo shack. After a shower to wash away the day’s grime and a change into a comfortable plaid shirt and jeans you knew your friend would tease you about later, you locked the door behind you and made your way down the few blocks to the bar.

Closing time came faster than you expected, but being as drunk as you were would do that to a person’s perception. As usual, no one interested you, and instead you stumbled home alone. Locking the door, you flopped onto your bed, not even bothering to kick off your shoes. Karaoke night was always a lot of fun, even if you never got up and sang. The room spun, and you gazed at the ceiling, not noticing when you passed out.

You dreamed again of the monsters you’ve hunted, people you’ve saved, but this time the alcohol pushed you beyond it. The clips in your mind rolled, swapping often—there was a race, a black Impala, your truck; there was flashes of gray and red, a library so tall, you had to use a ladder to reach the books. You looked down, towards someone, but beneath you was black. You lost your footing on the rung, slipping, and you were in water, darkness all around. There was shouting towards the shore—another hunting dream. You were pulled under, going deeper and you couldn’t breathe. You were back in the cage, the water of the lake above your head. Feverishly, the scenes flashed by, some overlapping, intertwining, others separated by indefinable periods of darkness and quiet. The last one you remembered before you woke with a start, was your truck, and finally, its location—home.

But was it really your home anymore? The Winchesters hadn’t come for you. You’d been unwarded, unprotected since you left the cage. They had their chance. Besides, even as the memories came back to you, they were just that—distant memories.

You groaned at the pounding in your head as the fluttering of your heart calmed to a more manageable beat. You picked up your phone and dialed Hank’s number.

“Hey, buddy, I was wondering if you were near town. I remember now.” The two of you had planned that if you ever remembered and wanted to return home, he would take you and make sure you were safe. He’d rolled through the gumbo shack a few times in the last months, just to check in. His own daughter had passed some years back of cancer, and he’d said you reminded him of her.

“Yeah, I’m not too far. I have a delivery to drop in Baton Rouge around 2-2:30, then I can head your way.”

“Thanks, Hank.”

“Don’t mention it.”

You called in for your shift for the next two days, just in case anything happened. Hank arrived right at dark.

“Where we headed?”

“Lebanon, Kansas.”

He nodded, the semi jerking forward and easing onto the highway. To be honest, you weren’t quite sure what was ahead of you.

You arrived early that morning. Hank tried to go in with you, to make sure you got out okay, but you gave him a hug and assured him. He waved in the mirror as he departed. You turned to the door, hesitating a moment before entering the code on the keypad, your finger gliding and using muscle memory. It only took two attempts before you gained access.

The lock thumped, and you timidly pushed it open. Walking through the bunker again was like walking through one of your sporadic dreams. There were more empty liquor and beer bottles than you could count littering nearly every surface. A plate of petrified pizza left out suggested that no one had been here in a few weeks. You walked swiftly to the garage, trying not to linger on the reality that was now grounding those memories.

Tank was as you’d left him, except for the tarp. That was new. Perhaps they’d been in mourning, thinking you were dead? You pushed the thought from your mind, and squashing the hope that threatened to rise in your chest. The Winchesters abandoned you, and that was that. You couldn’t forgive that.

It took a moment for the truck to warm up, but after a little coaxing, it roared to life. You missed that. You drove it out of the bunker and refused to look back. You’d left your family and started over before, and you could do it again.

~

Castiel called Dean as soon as he felt your presence. “Dean!”

“What, Cas, I don’t have time for thi—“

“Dean, shut up. Y/N, Dean she was here, at the bunker.”

“What do you mean?”

“Her essence, I can feel it. She is not here anymore, and Dean…”

“What Cas, spit it out!”

“Her vehicle is gone.’’

There was silence on the other end of the phone, and Cas looked down at his shoes, frustrated that he hadn’t been back in time to catch you.

“No.”

“I am sorry, Dean…” The line went dead, and Cas dropped his hand and sighed. He tilted his head up in silent prayer, eyes closed, then turned around, walking away from the garage.

~

Your life returned to its new normal, and you were happy. Well, mostly. You still looked around every corner, scanned through every local news article, constantly watching for monsters—especially demons. An occasional vampire, werewolf, witch, or ghost would pop in, and you’d be there. You began to work a little less, hunt, drink, and hustle a little more. No one would play you in darts or pool at your preferred bar anymore, so you branched out, hitting a different bar several nights in a row every week. Soon, you were alone again, back where you started several years ago. This went on through July, until you lost your job. You holed up in the motel, looking for more cases, more bars, more casinos to fill the void. Eventually, you lost the motel, too, unable to afford the rent without a proper job, and moved back into your truck.

You weren’t quite sure why, after another drunken night, that you set up a text to automatically send to both Sam and Dean if you didn’t reset it every day by midnight. Maybe it was a jab back at them for leaving you to die. It read, “Sam, Dean. If you are reading this, then I’ve finally bit the dust. I know I don’t mean anything to you, but if I’m dead, GPS this bitch, find my body, and give me a hunter’s funeral. Or feed me to a gator. -Y/N.”

Frankly, drunk you was an asshole to sober you.

~

After Rowena finally, but begrudgingly agreed to help look for you, it was she who saw you. You were laughing at something the other waitress had said. She followed you through her Sight, watched you walk home and wind down to mindless TV.

Sam, Dean, Castiel, and Crowley were all staring at her, waiting for her report. “Seriously, boys, have you no shame.”

“Cut the crap, what did you see?” Dean scolded, eyes wide in apprehension.

Rowena sighed. “She’s not a hunter anymore. She’s a waitress. Has a job, a home. A shitty one, but nonetheless.”

Castiel spoke up, “Do you think… she remembers?”

Rowena just shrugged. Crowley cleared his throat. “Well. I’ve been sitting on this pinecone for a minute.”

Dean shot a look towards the demon. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about: Y/N. One of my demons swore he saw her in Shreveport, at a bar.”

“And you didn’t tell us til now? What the hell, Crowley?” Sam yelled, jumping to his feet.

“It doesn’t matter. No one touches her. She’s out of the life, and I intend to keep it that way. She deserves a life.” Dean kept his eyes cast downwards.

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that, Dean. One of my demons, the same one, says there’s a hunter in Shreveport, a very active one. One that moves so fast, the monsters are cut down before anyone realizes what’s going on. My demons can’t even track this hunter. Believe me, they’ve tried.”

“Then I’ll go down there and see for myself.”

~

It was only your second night out of the motel, and the swampy air was unforgiving. You tossed and turned in your mattress under the short camper shell, looking out over the Red River for comfort. There wasn’t enough game in this town anymore. You’d grown and nurtured an insatiable appetite to fight and kill. But tonight, you couldn’t shake the feeling that you were being watched.

~

The Impala rolled into the parking lot of your former motel. “Her truck’s not here.”

“Thanks, Sam, Master of the Obvious.”

“You know, you don’t have to be such an ass, Dean. I’m hurting, too.”

The boys parked and nearly ran to ask the receptionist if you were there, flashing badges and all.

“No, officers, I’m afraid she was no longer able to pay her bill and vacated a few nights ago.”

“This is freakin great!”

Sam apologized for Dean’s outburst, and led him outside.

Crowley appeared. “I have news.”

“Better be damn good news!”

“Woah, Squirrel, don’t get your nuts in a bunch.” Dean’s jaw clenched, the muscle twitching angrily. “We found her. She’s living in her truck by the river, a little patch of trees under a bridge. I’ll take you there. Oh, and Moose?”

“What.”

“Shotgun.” Crowley zapped himself across the parking lot, into the front seat of the Impala.

Sam let out a frustrated groan, fists clenched. “I wanna kill him.”

“Me too.” Dean had already begun walking back to Baby.

~

You were finally drifting to sleep for the first time in almost two days when you heard the brush rustling suspiciously. You hoped it was just a couple teenagers looking for a hookup spot, but just in case, you peeked a sleepy eye over the bed of the truck. You saw nothing, but uneasiness flooded you. The sticky breeze wafted through the open window.

Sulfur.

You threw yourself through the window into the cab of the truck, scrambling to get the keys in the ignition. You peeled out of there so fast, a twenty foot cloud of red dust followed.

~

“Dammit!” Crowley growled, causing Dean to swerve and pull over.

“What?”

“They lost her. She caught their scent.”

Dean gripped the steering wheel, and let his head fall forward into his fists. “She’s still hunting. Alone. Isn’t she.”

“Afraid it looks that way. Well, sorry to disappoint but—“ In a poof, he was gone, leaving Sam, Dean, and a heavy silence in the Impala.

~

You decided to leave Louisiana and cross into Arkansas, just to get lost again, go somewhere where no one knew you. You missed those towns. You ended up Chuck knows where, parked Tank and called it a day. Tonight, your goal was to not remember again.

~

Both boy’s phones went off within seconds of each other. They were headed back to Kansas in defeat. Unable to bear the drive through Oklahoma and Texas anymore, Dean opted to go up through Arkansas, even if it took a half hour longer. All he wanted was a fresh open road he’d never travelled down to get lost in. Sam retrieved his phone lazily, but shot up in his seat, hitting his head after reading it.

“Dean, pull over, now.”

“Why what is it?” Baby slowed to a stop.

Sam held the message up for him to read.

“Shit. Where is she, Sam?”

“I don’t know, let me trace it. Hang on.”

The moments between were deafening and threatened to tear Dean apart.

“Oh, o-okay, I’ve got it. Dean, she’s only thirty minutes from here! Take a right at the next intersection.”

Baby spun white smoke into the air, leaving black streaks where her tires were. Thirty minutes? Dean would get there in fifteen.

~

You passed out sometime around 11pm, your last movement an attempt to reset your phone. You remained slumped over on your tailgate, keys stashed safely away to remove any self-destructive temptation. You remained there, until just before 12:20, when a burly man tossed your limp body over his shoulder and started walking behind the building.

There was a mighty roar of engine that caused the man to turn and look, just in time to see a black Impala swerve, tires screeching to block his path. Sam and Dean jumped out, guns drawn. “Put her down or I swear to God, I’ll drop you where you stand.” Dean’s voice boomed across the parking lot, filling the night and stilling the trees.

“Woah, woah, sorry man, I was just trying to help her I swear,” The man grumbled while setting you down on the pavement. He held his hands up and slowly walked away, out of sight, curses under his breath.

Sam kept the gun on him until he was clear, while Dean fell to your side, scooping you up against his chest. “Y/N…? Y/N!” You were unresponsive. He checked your pulse, finding it weak and thready, breaths shallow and slow. “Sam, she needs a hospital, now.”

Sam found your keys and drove the truck to the nearest emergency room, Dean following with you laying lifeless in the front seat of the car, your head in his lap. “C’mon Baby, stay with me, stay with me.” He prayed to Cas to get his holy assbutt over here, fast.

The nurses were able to stabilize you, but you hadn’t woken yet. Castiel found the Winchesters, Dean just pointing to your room, face still puffy from crying. You looked so small in that bed. You were still underweight from your year with Jeremiah, and you had so many bruises and scars that Castiel wasn’t familiar with. The angel shuffled to your side slowly, the sight of you breaking his heart. He touched his fingertips to your forehead. A white light flooded the room for a long moment, then faded softly. As the dull fluorescents flickered back, you were healed. Cas slumped to one knee, the effort of healing you with his broken grace taking a larger toll than he expected.

You still hadn’t woken when the boys snuck you out of the hospital and began to drive you back to Lebanon. When you did stir, the first thing you noticed was the familiar rumble and leather beneath your frame. The second thing you noticed, were Castiel’s big blue eyes staring into yours as he held you.

“Dean… She’s awake.”

“Hey, sweetheart…” Dean looked back in the rearview as you slowly sat upright, his the timbre of his voice wavering slightly. “We’re almost home, okay?”

All you could remember from yesterday was wanting to not remember, and walking into the bar. Sure, there had been dancing and bad decisions, but what would make the Winchesters find you? Then you remembered the message you’d preprogrammed into your phone. You must not have remembered to reset it. Dean was right, only about ten minutes later, you were pulling into the bunker.

Dean carried you in his arms to the couch in the library, the one you loved, and you were too tired to speak up or fight back. Try as you might to ignore it, the warmth the seeped from his embrace broke down the wall you’d built for yourself. Like a levee in a hurricane, you broke, too, tears flowing freely onto his chest as he held you tight. He cried with you, Sam and Castiel disappearing into their own rooms to give you space to cope. The weight from the last year and a half came down on everyone.

You and Dean held each other the whole night, unable to let go, terrified that it was just a dream. “We looked for you… We all looked for you… Crowley, Rowena, Castiel, even half of hell. It was just circles until we captured Jeremiah,” You flinched when Dean said his name, and he spoke softer into your hair, drinking in the scent. “But after that, we were always just one step behind you.”

“I thought you’d abandoned me… I was there for so long, and I began to forget your faces. Your names. My name. It all slowly returned to me after I escaped. I’d lost hope for rescue. After I was free, before I could remember the phone numbers or where the bunker was, you still didn’t show.”

“That’s because you’re a damn good hunter, and you know how to cover your tracks and stay off the beaten path, hide in plain sight. We fought for you, every day, every lead.”

You grabbed his collar and buried your face in his neck, kissing the spot just below his artery. Dean gasped and pulled you tighter.

“I love you. I should have told you. I love you, Y/N. Nothing’s ever getting you again. I swear.”

As Dean drifted off, you pulled yourself from his grasp, quietly heading towards Sam’s room. You knocked softly, and he was there in an instant. Sam swept you up in a bear hug. You crawled into his bed, Dean appearing in the doorway, having stirred from the sudden absence in his arms. The two boys joined you under the covers, one on each side. You were a Winchester Sandwich. Sam and Dean smiled to each other over you, Sam reaching and turning out the light. This position reminded the boys of when they were just small children, on the rare nights after difficult hunts that John Winchester just wanted to hold his boys to sleep.

Castiel floated by the room, peering in for a moment through the open door. They looked so peaceful, laying there. He understood their need for proximity, but kept a watchful distance from his own room next door, making sure that no one, in Heaven nor Hell, would disturb his family tonight. Ever an Angel of the Lord, he stood tall, ready to protect them, even in his dwindled state. If you squinted just hard enough, you could see the wide spread of his broken wings expand in the shadows.

@supernatural-jackles @jensen-jarpad @wheresthekillswitch @aseasyasdeanspie @bummblebeeblue @nothin-after-79 @docharleythegeekqueen @fangirl-writing-fiction @deathtonormalcy56

[scioscribe]

on writing depression, writing while depressed, fantasy, and utility

I’ve been in a mild depression lately and most of the writing I’ve done over the last two weeks has been disorganized and incomplete: snippets rather than stories.  None of it is for anyone else and none of it even could be for anyone else, because it’s all disgustingly well-tailored to my own sloppy emotional needs and, even beyond that, thoroughly rooted in intensely designed AUs of canon that are vivid to me and undoubtedly ridiculous and unrecognizable to anyone else.  Even my wife thinks they’re self-indulgent.  But what they all are, when you come right down to it, is a very particular brand of hurt/comfort.

I’m especially brutal to my favorite characters when I’m depressed, because, dammit, I just want to read about well-deserved comfort, and I don’t have the time or even the emotional complexity in these periods to work out how to do this in any kind of subtle, plausible way that would actually be consistent with good, emotionally nuanced writing.  This isn’t the time for that.  This is the time for “the characters have inexplicably been kidnapped by torturers with some random and likely unmentioned motivation.”  It’s the time for impractical kidnappings, for (at least feigned) betrayal, for public humiliation, for strange magical harms done to people in decidedly non-magical canons.  I find this soothing.

[More real-life depression talk under the cut, as well as discussion of fictional/literary CSA, domestic violence, death, bereavement, suicide, self-harm, car accidents, sexual trauma, and medical trauma.)

And I used, I think, to be able to write about a kind of fictionalized depression that way, in a manner that I can’t do now that I have an unfortunately close personal relationship with the fucking thing.  For the record, I, at least, have no problem with fictionalized, simplified, and even sentimentalized depression: different stories fill different emotional needs for different people.  (And it would, in any case, be massively hypocritical of me to rail against it even if I wanted to, because nobody is fonder of fictional, soap opera-style amnesia than I am.)  But I can’t write it myself now, because it feels like I’m breaking some kind of inner logic.

What breaks it isn’t the portrayal of the depression as it’s being suffered but rather the way in which the depression is exited, which usually happens when some other character notices how deeply, horribly sad Character A is and provides comfort and support.  And Character A then starts to make their way out of the murky, muddy emotional place they’re mired in.  Something at last feels sort of good.  Something doesn’t hurt.  And then, thankfully, beautifully, they’re pushed down a greased slide to a place of greater emotional stability.

Whereas in my experience, someone notices I’m depressed and extends sympathy and support, and I... I don’t know.  Say it helps?  They are good people for trying to help and I am, when depressed, fundamentally aware of my utter lack of good personhood, so I don’t want to be a trial, which will only make me feel worse anyway.  So I end up in this weird pattern of opening up to someone and then panicking because I realize that there is nothing they can say that will actually help me, that I will in fact move the emotional goalposts on what I want to hear anytime they say what previously seemed like all I needed, and why would I put them in that position?  Why am I so awful?  The solution is to pretend like they have, in fact, totally fixed me, or at least pushed me up onto dry land where I will gradually fix myself, and in the meantime, I make a mental note to try extra-hard to seem normal and happy around them, because I don’t want it to be weird.  I don’t want them to have to keep expending effort and worry that will do nothing.

At the same time, of course, I desperately want them to expend effort and worry, because I’m an asshole with no currently functioning barometer of self-worth, so the only way I know how to feel even marginally better for even a minute is to provoke someone else into telling me I matter.  Provided I can convince myself for at least five minutes or so that they really think that and that they aren’t just saying it to be nice.  They’re probably saying it to be nice.

So I say the thing, I express the self-loathing, I get comforted, and then I tell myself to never, under pain of death, ever mention to that person ever again that I hate myself.

I had this thing at work a couple months ago, when I was doing okay, where a coworker and I were mourning the fact that we’d missed a chance to attend a particular conference.

“I can’t believe we both forgot to register,” she said.

“Well, you had all those meetings around then,” I said, “and I think I had something going on, too, but I can’t remember--oh, yeah!  I was super depressed.  I was really busy trying not to kill myself.”

We actually had a pretty good laugh about that, because I have an unusually cool workplace.

But I get one of those things--one disclosure that I’d sat at work trying to talk to someone on a suicide chat system--and then I’m done, then it has to become a joke.  God knows I haven’t told anyone here that the same thing is happening now.  (Not nearly as bad, though, thankfully.)

People don’t make me feel better.  Love hasn’t fixed me.  So if I tried to write that story now, Character B would bring Character A a blanket and then nothing would change.  In the morning Character A would be the same.  And Character B would try again.  And try again.  And then start to get a little impatient: I mean, fuck, I gave you the fucking blanket, didn’t I?  I hugged you.  I told you that you mattered, that I loved you, that there are so many people who love you.  Why do you not feel better.  How long am I supposed to do this.

...And then one day Character A would either get a prescription that worked or for some other reason come out the other end of the tunnel blinking at the light, and Character B would be like, “What changed?” and Character A would just shrug, especially if it’s the second kind of situation.  I literally once had a terrible, suicidal bout of depression and right at the end of it I watched The Hateful Eight, and it was the first thing I was conscious of enjoying in a really, really long time.  It is probably not true that The Hateful Eight, which I genuinely (and, in addition, a little superstitiously) love, cured my depression, but it did kind of feel like that. This is not a satisfying resolution to a story unless your story is ad copy for The Hateful Eight and you are marketing it exclusively to the mentally ill.

A satisfying resolution to the story is that pain that is felt by someone else--love that bridges the fundamental loneliness of suffering--cures things.  I like that.  It’s the kind of thing that should be true even if it’s not, and it’s the kind of thing that I consider myself lucky to still be able to enjoy in other formats.  Keep writing those stories, if you’re doing that, because they matter.  (And some of them are probably written by people who are depressed, or who have been depressed, the world eerily enough not being endlessly composed of carbon copies of my experiences.)

But where I was going with all this is the kind of ridiculous depression story currently living in bits and pieces on my hard drive, and also the ridiculous, professionally published, over-the-top depression story that I find oddly convincing as a fantasy of suffering by the suffering.

Me first, because it’s simpler.  In addition to the blatant, implausible hurt/comfort I talked about way up at the top of the post, I also keep writing this incredibly weird thing where I can write the traditional depression story by making it a magical depression story.  It makes no sense.  It’s a character who trades a year of happiness for four years of his little brother’s tuition, that’s the level of WTFery we’re talking about here.  But.  It’s about the idea that the sadness has some kind of profundity to it, that it’s been incurred for a reason, and even a noble, self-sacrificing reason.  It’s about how eventually his brother will find this out and figure out a way to fix things, so love will cure the sadness after all.  It’s about there being a comprehensible, emotionally valid reason for why the sadness just won’t leave: buddy, your contract’s not up yet.  This is gloppy, sentimental wish-fulfillment wrapped all around characters I love and want to be okay.

The over-the-top, professionally published fantasy of suffering story is Hanya Yanagihara A Little Life, aka, the Story of How Literally Every Awful Thing in the World Happened to the Beautifully Sad Jude St. Francis.  (Spoilers follow.)  A Little Life gestures vaguely in the direction of being an ensemble story where the narratives of its three other primary characters--Willem, an actor and part-time Norse god of handsomeness; JB, a talented avant-garde artist and eventual acclaimed photographer and part-time drug addict who suffers way less beautifully than Jude and so consequently gets shit on by everyone; and Malcolm, a successful architect and the group’s resident normal--will actually matter, but it gives up on this after not very long.  Which it kind of has to do, because you almost literally cannot tell an in-depth story of even a ridiculously glamorous and successful life alongside Jude’s life, which will dwarf it to the point of making it seem ant-like in its insignificance.

Oh, boy.  Jude.

I was going to summarize it, but the Wikipedia summary is hilarious in its Perils of Pauline approach to it all and is recommended reading, so I’ll just do bullet-points.

* Jude is an abandoned child with no knowledge of his parents (the novel dwells at slightly discomfiting length on how no one can even tell what race he is, which... gets a little weird after a while).

* He is raised in a monastery, because apparently that’s a thing that can happen, where he is treated mostly cruelly and routinely physically abused and neglected, until he reaches an age where the abuse becomes sexual and widespread.  If not every monk participates, no one actually does anything to prevent it.

* The closest thing to kindly intervention he gets is from Brother Luke, young Jude’s only source of comfort, and, naturally enough for this kind of novel, also interested in raping him, just with the illusion in place that they really love each other.

* Brother Luke abducts Jude and takes him on the road and then--oh-so-tearfully--explains how they’re going to have to start paying their way by renting out time with Jude to a series of strange men.

* Mentally disintegrating under the weight of all this, Jude begins to brutally harm himself by slamming his head into the wall; Brother Luke decides to teach him to cut himself instead, as that process is more controlled.  This habit will last the rest of Jude’s life.

* When Jude finally gets away from Brother Luke, he’s put into a group home where the sexual abuse continues.  After a chance at living in a more stable and less horrifically traumatic environment (of course) falls through, Jude succeeds in running away.

* He is picked up by a doctor who promptly imprisons him in his basement and rapes him for months.

* Then the doctor runs him over with his car and leaves Jude for dead.  In fact, Jude is not dead, but he has acquired a lifelong limp and significant nerve damage, conditions that will a) worsen over the course of his life and b) keep him in nearly constant pain.

* Then handwave-handwave, Jude finally finds where the non-rapists live and receives just enough therapy that the novel can vaguely indicate how he’s still functional after all of this.  He gets into a prestigious college and makes a group of lifelong friends, named above, but is especially close to Willem, because Willem is a Perfect Human and Endlessly Patient Best Friend.  They move in together while Willem looks for acting jobs and Jude attends law school.

* Now, not all of this backstory is revealed at once, which is good, because even when spread out over seven hundred pages, there’s still an “oh, you have got to be fucking kidding me” feeling when you get to the part about the doctor.  The novel actually begins with Jude and Willem moving into their first post-grad apartment, and for a while, it seems like this will be a novel primarily about living on and trying to make a life in the aftermath of a horrific past.  Jude’s life is good for a while, though understandably enough continuously shadowed.  He still cuts himself, and he still has mental breakdowns that lead to him making gourmet catering and desserts for everyone (the BEST kind of mental breakdown, bar none), but... he’s doing okay.  He becomes a lawyer.  He acquires A Perfect Father Figure Who At Last Does Not Want to Sexually Abuse Him, a wonderfully kind law professor accompanied by his wonderfully kind wife, who are always ecstatically happy to invite him into their home and in fact even adopt him, formally, when he’s thirty, and start calling him their son.

* If you’re thinking it sounds like the other shoe is about to drop, you are correct.

* JB becomes addicted to crystal meth, but this is not Innocent Suffering Like Jude’s but instead Something He Brought Upon Himself, so when Jude tries to help him and JB lashes out by imitating Jude’s limp and occasionally slurred speech, both Jude and Willem find it unforgivable and sever relationships with him, though they’ll drift back into contact later on.

* After years of everyone talking about Jude’s possible sexual orientation behind his back instead of just fucking asking him like any normal person would do (especially since no one has any real idea of his past), Jude finally ends up in a relationship with a high-powered fashion executive named Caleb whom he meets at a party.

* Caleb promptly begins showing creepy danger signs--he’s especially critical of Jude’s increasing need for a wheelchair and thinks it’s a sign of weakness and Jude “giving in” to his deformity--and before you can say “many survivors of childhood abuse find themselves in abusive relationships later in life,” Caleb has become the abusive husband in every Lifetime movie ever made.  When Jude--with kindly law professor and surrogate dad’s help--sort of succeeds in severing things with him, Caleb breaks into Jude’s apartment and rapes him and throws him down a flight of stairs.  (Actually, Wikipedia tells me this is the second rape in their relationship.  That’s how often Jude gets raped in this novel.  I have forgotten entire instances of it.)

* Jude then tries to kill himself, which prompts Hollywood star Willem to move back in with him.  Jude cherry-picks a few of the less cataclysmically awful stories from his childhood to finally tell and Willem is horrified by them while the reader leans back and smokes a cigarette and says, “Will, you wouldn’t believe the shit I’ve seen.”

* Willem, despite having been straight to this point, then begins to fall in love with Jude, and you know, I’m all for flexible models of sexuality and sexual desire that proceeds from romantic connection that proceeds from the realization that this person is closer to you than anyone else in the world, but also: come the fuck on.  This could not get any ficcier if it tried.

* Anyway, Jude of course loves Willem back, Willem being a Perfect Human and all, so they begin an honestly very touching relationship, marred only by Jude’s continued self-harm (which he can’t bring himself to stop for good, though Willem does provide him with enough stability that he’s able to minimize it) and their problems in bed.  Willem is highly satisfied with having sex with Jude, but Jude’s life has left him entirely sex-repulsed, and his continued assent to their encounters and his continued concealment of the pain and distress they cause him leads to escalated self-harm.

* Willem finally finds out and Jude at last reveals to him at least 90% of his childhood as an explanation for his hatred of sex.  They cut it out of their relationship entirely and have a honeymoon phase--Willem goes back to sleeping with women in no-strings-attached arrangements that don’t bother Jude in the slightest, and their life together is exceedingly happy and romantic.

* AND THEN WILLEM, MALCOLM, AND MALCOLM’S WIFE ALL DIE TOGETHER IN A CAR CRASH.

* Also at some point in here, Jude lost one of his legs.  I don’t even remember when.  There was a medical reason for it, related to maybe the initial damage or the subsequent damage from Caleb throwing him down the stairs or him burning himself severely on his leg, it didn’t just fall off like the legs of the cows in Cold Comfort Farm, but really, in the wash of all this trauma, who can keep track of the odd leg or two?

* Well, Jude practically starves himself to death, gets help temporarily, and then finally succeeds in killing himself and leaving his devastated adoptive father behind to close out the novel.

It’s actually a good novel if you like this sort of thing.  There’s no real character depth to anyone, because all you need to know about Jude is that he suffers beautifully and nobly and all you need to know about anyone else is that they either love and admire Jude or have raped/are currently raping him.  (The one exception to this is JB, who seems to have escaped from a more complex novel, as he is allowed the occasional spot of selfishness and realistic misreadings of situations, and I seriously considered requesting post-Willem Jude/JB for Yuletide just to see this story travel towards a more nuanced, textured view of life going on and people reconciling themselves with imperfections.)  But Yanagihara writes well and there is a melodramatic but genuine emotional intensity to it all.  I was involved throughout.  But just as Oscar Wilde said it would take a heart of stone not to laugh at the death of Little Nell, I have to admit that my reaction to Willem’s death was a combination of raw sobbing and horrified laughter.  But again, if you like over-the-top hurt/comfort, this is your kind of thing.  It’s my kind of thing.  I mean, I did finish.  I do actually own this book.  It’s sloppy and hyperbolic, but I like crying and can cry around my criticisms of the text.

I laid all that out, though, not to defend or condemn A Little Life but to contextualize why I think it has an odd power as a fantasy of suffering by the sufferers themselves.  That it’s a voyeuristic fantasy of suffering is pretty obvious.  But it works inwardly, too, or at least it works inwardly for me.  (I’ve talked about this elsewhere, so forgive me if you’ve seen it before.)

No one in A Little Life ever loses patience with Jude.  His pain never exhausts them; his refusal to explain the cause of his pain never genuinely frustrates them.  They wish he would tell them, but his not telling them doesn’t get on their nerves, doesn’t strike them as unfair emotional withholding.  In fact, everyone loves Jude.  His professor adopts him.  His friends stay loyal over decades.  His doctor continues to treat him even after giving up the rest of his practice.  His straight best friend considers him the exception to the romantic rule and has no problem at all at adjusting to a romance without sex.  Anyone who is cruel to him is judged harshly by the other characters, even if it’s the cruelty of a moment.  No one ever tells him to get over it.

It’s not that none of these things never happen, or could never happen, but the unalloyed kindness with which Jude’s suffering is largely received is the melodramatic counterpoint to unalloyed evil and pain that slowly destroy him.

And I’ll go on: there are proximate and instantly comprehensible causes for Jude’s pain.  There are even physical and undeniable signs of his pain.  His trauma is so profound as to justify, for any listener, a lifetime of suffering expressed however he likes.  His depression and self-loathing does not descend randomly, leaving him poleaxed by feeling awful and feeling worse because he has seemingly no reason to feel awful.  He doesn’t talk to people about it, generally--he has nearly perfect self-control around his friends, his pain makes him ungenerous and unfair and snappish on really only one occasion--but if he did, they would concede, automatically, the righteousness of his pain.  They would be amazed at how well he’s doing.

A Little Life provides, for its readers who are hurting, a story where suffering doesn’t come from nowhere, where their emotions are an understandable response to a history of terrible trauma, where loved ones are never tired of dealing with them, where debilitating emotional and physical pain is never enough of an inconvenience to interfere in providing the markers of success and even glamour, where you don’t have to cry your eyes out in a shitty apartment, where you will never lose your job because you don’t show up for three days, where everyone would understand how you feel if only they knew, and where they really do want to know.

And, for that matter, where you don’t have to strain yourself into saying that yes, all of this has helped, yes, you feel better now.  Jude never separates himself from this hypothetical reader by recovering, which would seem, in this light, not like a victory but a hateful cheat.  That bastard--what does it say that he can get better and you can’t seem to?  How, after this steamy bath of melodrama, are you supposed to wrap your brain around normalcy?  His interlude with Willem is an interlude, its happiness so complete as to signal its coming downfall, its happiness so complete as to signal that we have not left this fervently emotional Expressionism.  The car crash is devastating, but it’s also, come on, total confirmation.  Yeah.  That’s how it goes.  It’s okay not to recover--you don’t have to worry that there’s something wrong with you, or weak in you, for not recovering--if you’re Jude, whose every escape is another fall off the cliff.  It lets you indulge in the fantasy of not having to do the exhausting and difficult work of trying, because each effort, on its failure or collapse, only further justifies the preexisting pain.  It’s okay to stay down if every time you stand up, someone punches you in the face.  Just lie there a while.  Just breathe.  People will admire you for it.  People will love you.  No one will say that this has gone on long enough and they just don’t know if they can do it anymore.  They know what’s happened to you.  If they don’t, man, won’t they have egg on their face when you tell them.

If my snippets of self-indulgent fic are about the fantasy of suffering that says that the suffering is somehow profound, that there is concrete proof that the person suffering is good and kind and undeserving of this, that everyone will worry and love you, and that the love will fix things because magic, A Little Life is the fantasy of complete and utter validation of seemingly endless agony.  What I’m writing right now is what I can write because, though I’m not doing great, I’m on medication and I’m doing okay.  The book, on the other hand, is a fantasy for the times when it does not seem like there is any possibility of okayness anywhere on the horizon, when you could not believe in recovery or even treatment and all that will comfort you is a story where it is 100% fine to feel like that because it’s true.

It’s not hard to see ways in which that fantasy could potentially hurt someone--that there could be someone who sees, in that story, not comfort but an awesome rationale for making the same eventual decision as Jude himself does--but life and literature are complicated.  Umberto Eco said that “a novel is a machine for generating interpretations,” and that’s something I find true as well as heartening.  No story runs only in one direction.  People interact with narratives in messy, challenging, lopsided ways; we respect stories, we fall in love with stories, we curl up with them, and we also hit them over the head and leave them to wake up in a bathtub of ice with their kidneys missing because we’re just going to take what we need from them and go, thanks.  I say this because this has been, for me, an oddly utilitarian look at literature--it’s not my normal approach to textual analysis--and I want to pull back from that at least a little.  To draw attention to the complexity and weirdness of people’s relationships to art: that things can work on us in unpredictable and uncanny ways.  And that also, for that matter, you can probably read A Little Life purely for the bits about cooking.

Utility is all you can see, and all you can properly care about, when you need the fantasy.

And then you get better.  And your relationship to those stories changes.  Maybe you come back and say, “Okay, in the clear light of day, I cannot stand this, glad it was there for me earlier, but yikes.”  But maybe, and beautifully, you get Erich Fromm’s mature love, in a literary sense: not “I love you because I need you” but “I need you because I love you.”  I’m in the tunnel between those two places at the moment, and this is the view, looking back and looking forward.

Also, I just wanted to tell everyone how batshit A Little Life is.