#I forget sometimes and I kick myself
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Blows my mind sometimes how gorgeous Jonathan is.
#I forget sometimes and I kick myself#because just LOOK at him#he’s a goddamn fucking muse#he needs to be sculpted and painted and shit#and that’s not even considering his voice#it’s not unreasonable to say that he has one of the most versatile unique harsh intense and beautiful voices in music let alone metal#and I will stand by that#jonathan davis#korn#nu metal
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Jitterbug
#whenever my meds kick in it feels like im gonna piss myself. not literally but its really really feels like it#and now whenever that happens my mind goes back to pancho (grandmas dog) at a xmas party years ago#bc he peed when we arrived bc he was so excited to see ppl and my cousin had to clean it up :o)#well for better or for worse i know that feeling now when im pumped on 20mg of adderall#im still getting used to this whole diagnosis thing cause ive gone untreated and undiagnosed for the longest time. so theres probably a lot#i still dont know and have to learn to get myself to be.. functional on my own? self managing????#i even set up reminders on my phone for work periods meals and stuff. but the problem is actually getting myself to stick to that to a T#because the minute i slack off or something gets in the way it throws it all off until i can be bothered to get back on track. it sucks#at least ive built up other habits like writing notes and setting alarms ahead of time.. but i feel like i could do better#its always hard to change something if youve been doing it wrong for the longest time. especially behaviour and thinking patterns. sigh#in other news my glasses bailed on me so i have to get a new pair sometime. i just realized i never draw my sona with glasses but thats#mostly bc i forget. id love to get some browline glasses like my old pair but im picky and its hard to find one id like for the next 5 year#i also finally managed to collect all the fish in my animal crossing file!!! pulled out a char last week and boom now i have a poster :o)#THAT was a moment where i almost peed myself for real. id love to get all the bugs but i cant stay up late on the switch :o(#yapping#my art#myart#doodles#personal#diary
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every fucking time I wonder if I might be allosexual me: if a guy looks at me the wrong way I will have a panic attack, throw up and think about it for four business days
#Asexual#im so sorry if anyone has seen me post on a similar theme before#Asexuality#sometimes I think I must be faking being ace surely? My friends I don’t think your blood is supposed to run cold if someone flirts with you#I don’t appreciate it at all— just another reminder I guess that I’m extremely ace#Ace#Aspec#acespec#I spoke to my bestie about it this afternoon and like. I love her n everything but my reaction left me feeling a bit sheepish#A bit childish#And I have to sort of hold myself in place; stand my ground etc. and remind myself that#My reaction and how I deal with notions of sexuality ARE expressions of MY sexuality. They don’t have to mimic allosexual people#They don’t have to conform to heterosexuality. They don’t have to even be compatible with allosexuality#Other sexualities arent told* to go against their own sexuality. I shouldn’t have to change mine to accommodate anyone else’s#This is who I am right? If I’ve literally been out there saying with my whole chest ‘I am asexual’#We can’t just get upset when the asexual person reacts in an asexual way#Like to be fair no one is saying ‘oh hey you should just cave in and be hetero’#But also I will have reactions to allosexuality that don’t conform to allo-ness. We can’t just fucking forget that#Anyway.#Midnight rants#I forgot to say * = obv; caveat saying homophobes exist but people who aren't homophobes and are actually supportive will often#forget themselves when amatonormativity kicks in
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sad boy hours officially canceled, I am once again refusing to let it take hold and taking my happiness by force
#made of bit of a fool of myself again#but sometimes thats all you need to do to see that the stupid shit your head is telling you is wrong#I forget that happiness doesn't come easily to people like me and I need to kick myself in the ass every once in awhile#to actually go out and get it instead of sitting and stewing in the depression waiting for it to come to me#big thanks to everyone who has been kind to me#as a very quiet and emotionally repressed person it means more to me than I could ever express
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oh right i forgot the real reason i stopped listening to broadway clips was that i've got this whole enormous miserable knot in my chest abt having been too socially anxious to do anything with my once-upon-a-time-very-gorgeous voice once i got spat out of the safe little nest of my high school, and like, most of the time i forget that knot even exists, but when i listen to the sort of music i used to be part of making (proper opera but also showtunes) it's like. this whole fast-forward feelings journey thru 'oh right that didn't actually go away, it's still right there in my throat, just calcified' to 'oh okay we tugged the loose end and it's unraveling and actually it was keeping contained a whole rush of tears like aeolus' bag of winds in the odyssey…'
#like i decline 2 actually cry abt it but. sure am on the verge of it lmao. thick sore throat and all#i always forget that when i'm actually happy i sing to myself. it's been a long time since i did that#i mean also a big problem with voice was like. the gender thing#conveniently being a mezzo is ALSO a gender thing which did more work for me than i realized but#was listening to a jeremy jordan medley ft. on the street where you live from my fair lady and had a sudden flashback#to the year i was like 'what if i sang that for our musical theater showcase' and my voice teacher was like. noooo not a Boy Song 4 Girl U!#but i used to sing that to myself all the time. also‚ hilariously‚ the girl that i marry from annie get yr gun#which is just like. literally i still thought i was a straight girl tho. the sheer level of doublethink this required.#what was happening in my brain.#(i mean obviously what was happening in my brain was that like. i knew the limits of acceptability)#(and so i couldn't know anything else abt myself.)#(like i've said this before but i do strongly wonder what else my brain isn't allowing me to know bc i still live with my dad)#(which is like. SO dumb bc honestly i'm not sure there's anything i could do that he'd kick me out/disown me over)#(certainly not anything sexuality or even gender related idt)#(but it's like. i know where the discomfort line is and emotionally i just. can't bear to exile myself out beyond it!)#(even if my doing so might eventually shift the line out to where it embraced me again!)#(sometimes learning yr own deep unacceptability in childhood 4 adhd reasons)#(and also 'yr mother is so depressed nothing you do will ever please her. have fun trying tho!!' reasons)#(makes you just. totally incapable of deliberately rendering yrself less acceptable as an adult even when it would be good for you)#(anyway like. thinking back to the K in old home videos who was like. confident that they were an engaging delight)#(and like. what a charming jeremy jordan of a performer they could have made.)#(if only my whole upbringing hadn't then happened to me and crushed all the unacceptable self-expression out of me.)#anyway. shh don't look at me it's fine! it's all fine. 🫥🫥🫥#formative#feelingsblogging
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When you need a reality check but nobody's awake <3
#y'know sometimes. sometimes I get to forget that we're prone to delusions.#and then sometimes. SOMETIMES STRESS KICKS THE FUCK IN.#and no. no I don't get to forget.#fffffdjejwjsjjdensfjf#WHOO PSYCHOSIS LET'S FUCKING GO#luckily most of the time I can reality check myself but like. rn.#no.#(gonna detail delusion warning)#rn there's a guy that hacked into my phone screen and is now watching everything I'm doing#and he has to have evil intentions#why can't the guy watching me through my phone screen ever be nice#huh#why can't he just be seeing#idk what my favorite candy is#jajshrbwnskkdjnwndbfbehayyskwlkw#ik I'm like. calling it a delusion even though I have a degree of this is unreasonable.#but enough of my brain is fucked about it that I think this counts at this point#one of those living in two realities moments or smth idk#doesn't help that insomnia has hated me recently#insomnia my beloathed
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being closer to your 30s than 20s and having nothing to show for it is so
#personal#cannot finish college/uni cannot find a job bc poor mental health being dependent on parents still how pathetic#sometimes im like wow i should be grateful i havent been kicked out yet and then its like i need to be as little of a burden as possible#like gee wonder why i still struggle with an eating disorder after over a decade. if i cant fucking off myself might as well take up as lit#le space and use up as little resources as possible#even if i wanted and could afford to go back and get a degree i still wouldnt know what to major or get a degree in#they tell you in high school its okay to be undecided youll figure it out but what if its been 9 years and i still dont know#i know. i guess. also i understand why communication courses are required for a degree but i have failed or dropped out every single class#failed interpersonal communication one semester bc i kept fucking forgetting to take the weekly online quiz and never stopped kicking my ow#ass over it ever since#tried retaking it another cemester and stopped showing up half way though bc i couldnt deal with it anymore#tried taking public speaking another and literally panicked and didnt show up anymore after the first week/class#and that was when i was 18-20 like when its okay if you dont really have anything major to share about your life#imagine being 26 having to go up and say something about yourself and its like. ive been a depressed homebody for the past 5+ years idk wha#else to tell you
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((every day i'm reminded of the fact that this RPC has more anxiety in it about interacting with others than can fit into the ocean))
#//not quite myself; (OOC)#((yes this is a callout post (lovingly) ))#((sometimes i forget i'm actually the weird one here by dragging people out from their inboxes and kicking down doors))#((yall are so scared and for why!!!!!!))#((the mountains will become deserts before y'all stop standing @ each other and start talking on your own))#((i LOVE you guys SO much i'm holding you all like tiny scared kittens meeting a big doge for the first time /gen))#((this is not intended to be a vaguepost nor is it malicious i genuinely love you guys asldkfjhaslkjh))#((I JUST WANT YOU GUYS TO GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER AAAAAA))#((i WILL hold your hands through this we're all nerds here))
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Ugh my face hurts right now I went to the alligator farm and had a lot of fun oh woe is me
#i smile a LOT and it makes my face hurt SO BAD but i get happy over almost everything so unfortunately#i dont have a choice 😮💨#very unfortunate for my face#but alas#i feel like i focus on how angry and miserable i am and forget about how happy i am too sometimes#like yeah im sad a lot of the time but im also really happy a lot of the time#i do not exist in a vacuum#where only one emotion exists#no matter how much it feels that way sometimes#like yeah i find it really hard to get up and do even the easiest things sometimes#but sometimes i also get so happy i have to get up and be productive because i just get so excited#i have a lot of extremes and theyre not all bad#and i forget that a lot#i love smiling with my whole face because i just need to express how utterly ecstatic i am but it makes me look like a frog#but i hope it lets everyone know just how happy i am just to be near them to the point where it doesnt even matter if i look like a frog#i think frogs could be the happiest animals sometimes#cause they look the way i do when im so excited it feels like my happiess is splintering my bones and radiating out of me#and i cant keep it in or ill explode#i do restrain myself from jumping around or stimming or anything like that#but sometimes i allow myself a little bit of foot kicking#or giggling
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convinced February is the worst month of the year ✨horrendous✨ energy hahah goodbye
#delete it off the calendar#nothing good in there#It’s crazy that it takes something traumatizing to happen to give u a kick in the ass tho#to actually start taking care of yourself your future and to jolt you the fuck out of your own head#sometimes it takes something that bad or scary idk#hasn’t been easy and thinking about two weeks ago is dark times but we move#made myself so proud though#and helps to hear you’ve made someone else proud too#I can be so strong and brave sometimes#and shouldn’t let myself forget#next month has some challenges of its own but will get through#my anxiety has turned me into such a little bitch these last few years and I’m over it#but the old me is under there still and I see her sometimes#gonna make it a goal to take better care of myself in all the ways#and keep luring that brave back out#just gotta keep moving#be scared and move anyway#and show up for yourself#there’s a better future waiting#can imagine it down to the smallest details#🧿#anyways lol#mostly I’m just rooting for you April#warmth and the sun and tickets to see jodie perform TWICE 🥲#and seeing lil Brian on the 30th#universe make good things happen please and thanks#counting on u (and me)#wrote this lastnight but I feel cringe posting anything personal anymore not sure why#just hope shit looks up soon and I guess if it doesn’t at least it’ll be warm soon and I can sit on a rock by the ocean
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After Fedex got their shit together- after marking my package as delivered to Framingham, MA when it was actually still in Japan- my new laptop has finally arrived!
I... I don't like it.
#this is besides the normal 'windows 11 is trash' problems#i am a fool and did not thoroughly read the specs when it came to screen resolution and its... its so bad you guys#my current laptop which occasionally forgets what wifi is and can sometimes fry an egg has better screen resolution#it also has stupidly big letters on the keyboard which displease me#and its so very plasticy in a bad-texture kind of way#and im kicking myself because a laptop with twice the resolution and better specs in general was literally like 150 more#mood
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Sorry if u followed for baldurs gate content i literally just posted that one single screenshot. I wont be touching the tags until i beat the game or cave whichever comes first
#anyway gale supremacy#bg3#bg3 spoilers#but only because of my ramblings in tags here because i made my OC Samael and he has little to no impulse control and#thistle is 95% of his impulse control and Thistle is not present in this canon#and sammi is too nice to people like#he wants to see the good in everyone and sometimes making decisions IC for him is insane#like Astarion literally is trying to feed on him and he's like listen i know you don't like me but like you could have asked#and astarions like oh well can i then i promise ill stop (despite the fact that he dislikes sammi because sammi is the kind of person to#jump in and save people because hes got Morals™#and sammis like ok sure#and so sammi lets him and dont i fail the persuasion roll to tell him to stop so sammi is just laying dead in the middle of the camp like#and then i have glitchy issues trying to revive him and try to pick his body up to move it but my other characters can't do anything#because the HUD is missing because they are trapped in dialogue so i tried to get gale to move sammis body but he was too heavy so i had#gale take all his stuff forgetting that would essentially strip sammi naked but#i did figure it out and sammi got revived and put clothes back on and IMMEDIATELY went over and punched Astarion in the face#was i intending on kicking that vampire out? yes. did sammi end up doing that? no! because fucking!! AAAAAA#ok but i swear if he lays a finger on anyone else i'll kill him myself -sammi probably#astarion has that poor little meow meow vibe#like legitimately poor little meow meow
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i went to lunch with my dad today and with regards to pride month starting it came up in conversation
today's revelations
my mom knew i was "a homosexual" already based on a different time I brought it up in the past but I assumed was forgotten
so her blowing up on me a few weeks ago for coming out AGAIN was needless drama and exaggerration and screaming
—that has left me with a fear response to certain words and clothing and locations now.
My Dad: Yeah she'd called me about "I don't want MY child being a homosexual" not long after your trip to her gay friend's wedding which I thought was really hypocritical of her to say.
...before this trip I'd argued with her about her hidden partner, where she said, quote "don't i deserve to be happy? don't i deserve happiness with someone?"
huh.
anyways my dad is now inviting me to pride.
#i hate being put against my own family and feel its Unfair to demand i hold grudges and make things worse when i was very unwell#and i'm well aware of my own dad's failings and what hes said and done#but on the other hand also. one of my parents didn't give me emotional triggers like my own clothes or going certain places#or call me Tslur lover or dyke or whatever so. Yeah. you can't What About My Needs into me putting your feelings over mine THIS time sorry#therapy and antidepressants have made me immune to that. i recommend it. godbless thats not my problem#you making me feel like shit and afraid and a burden is my problem though. pardon me for listening to myself and my needs now!!!#armour clanking#SORRY i just need to talk and jabber on sometimes. 'Choosing your fights' and all. i won't hold your grudge for your fights#but i will hold mine for what youve said and done to me for ten years.#my therapist had a disclaimer that they're not responsible for changes in personality that may make some people close to u—#—have an adverse reaction to changes in personality or scope. i think i am understanding it now. less kicked-puppy's-acceptance#now im mad and hey i am not forgetting what you said. fuck off or listen to me
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cabin fever | m. sturniolo
→ matt x fem!reader
→ plot; things are heating up at the triplet’s cabin in vermont; especially between you and matt. the group of you, him, his brothers, nate and madi spend a needed getaway at the cozy house. unknown to everyone else, confessions, tension, and late nights make it even hotter between you two.
→ includes; smut, unprotected sex, outdoor sex, f!oral receiving (matt the munch AF), mentions of drinking, blood/bleeding (NOT PART OF THE SMUT), light fluff
→ a/n; madi nate nick and chris all have super minor roles and they don’t add to the plot at all btw. this one is HOT. CALOR. CALIENTE. (imo) enjoy!
MINOR PROOFREADING
——————————————————————————
“hey, we’re here,” a voice gently whispers to me, i realize belonging to nick as i slowly come back to consciousness.
the groggily feeling of sleep soon goes away and in its place is excitement; we’re finally at the cabin.
this isn’t my first time vacationing with the triplets; we’ve been going here since we were little. once becoming friends with nate and madi, they soon joined in on our yearly trip to the cabin.
i almost immediately fall stepping out of the car, my brain forgetting that my body was completely stagnant during the 4 hour car ride up here.
i put my hands out and brace for impact; but it never comes. instead a pair of arms swiftly caught me before i had my lunch with the gravel,
“dude, you gotta be more careful,” a voice chuckles from behind my head. it’s matt; i know his voice the best out of all of them.
he helps me stand up right, “whew thanks,” i breathe out with a laugh, he says nothing but delivers a nod in response. i turn on heels to grab my suitcase from the trunk,
“here let me help you, wouldn’t want you to almost fall again,” he offers, i roll my eyes at him as he takes the duffel bag from my arms and slings it over his shoulder, not giving me any time to think of a response.
i know to some that may seem flirtatious, but unfortunately it isn’t. sometimes i can’t help but feel disappointed that there isn’t something more but the guilt of feeling like that towards one of my best friends since childhood is stronger than my urges.
however, i would be a liar if i said i didn’t find him attractive. the tattoos on his body, light stubble he lets grow in sometimes, messy curls, plump lips, his eyes… jaw…
i quickly get the ongoing list of the physically mouth watering things about matt out of my head; feeling almost a guilt that i found him so hot. i shouldn’t think about one of my best friends since childhood this way, so i force myself not to.
forgetting about my previous daydreams, i follow the rest of them into the house, taking in the joy of being at the cabin again.
˚୨୧⋆。˚ ⋆ ˚୨୧⋆。˚ ⋆ ˚୨୧⋆。˚ ⋆ ˚୨୧⋆。˚ ⋆ ˚୨୧
the house is big enough to where everyone is lucky to have their own room, and mine sits at the end of a long hallway, just past where chris and nate sleep.
i open the door and smile at the sight that matt has already placed my stuff down on the bed for me.
i internally slap myself, why am i reading into this? he just put my stuff down in my room. nothing else about it.
i take my duffel off the bed and seat it on the floor beside me and replace it with myself on its cushioning. i hear a knock at my door,
“come in!”
thinking i’m going to be met with matt in my doorframe, i look up, and i am only about half right.
“we’re gonna start cooking dinner now since it’s getting pretty late and we’re all starving, wanna help?” chris asks, poking his head between the a small sliver in the door.
i can’t help but giggle at his actions, “yes, i’ll help you, but next time you knock just open the door all the way, don’t be creepy,” i kick my feet up and yank the door open,
“i’m not creepy i’m polite!” he argues, voice fading as he descends to the kitchen,
“never said that!” i joke, my footsteps quickly follow behind him.
i join the rest of my friends in the kitchen, and start slicing vegetables, while chris and madi go on their own dinner tasks.
getting way too caught up in a conversation with nick, my knife skills began to be… less than subpar.
“FUCK!” i yell and instinctively drop the knife, the sound of the blade echoing through the room and blood from a large cut in my hand leaking everywhere on the counter causes all hell to break loose.
“oh my god! do we need to go to the ER?!”
“get a towel, NOW!”
“i’m fine, i’m fine!” i yell, doing my best to stop the panic from everyone else, the pressure from the towel stopping the blood flow for now.
“we need to get that cleaned, the first aid kit is in my room, come on,” matt says, taking my unadulterated hand into his and guiding me upstairs into his bedroom.
“sit,” he points to his bed and i follow his finger and take a seat on the edge of the mattress.
he ruffles through a drawer and pulls out a large first aid kit, since when was it in his room?
“this will sting like a bitch, but it’ll stop it from getting infected,” he says, shaking a bottle of hydrogen peroxide and removing the make shift dressing i have from my hand.
i close my eyes tightly and wince at the contact of it on my skin, biting my lip through the pain.
“it’s almost over, don’t worry. i’m gonna put some ointment on it then a bandage okay?”
his words are soft and comforting, which somehow eases the pain to a lower level than before.
he applies the ointment first, and i sign blissfully at the relief it has on my wound.
“that’s it, you’re doing so well,” he adds casually, wrapping the bandage around my finger.
i can feel my cheeks grow hot at his statement, him not knowing the effect his words of praise had on me.
i internally slap myself again. why do i keep thinking about him like this? jesus christ there’s something wrong with me.
“thank you matt,”
“anytime.”
for a moment, we just stare at each other. the silence is almost suffocating, and for the first time i feel like he wants to say something but doesn’t. i wonder if he thinks the same thing about me today.
i decide to quickly break the silence, “let’s go back down and eat, yeah? i don’t know about you but i’m starving,” i lie, i’m actually not hungry at all. almost cutting my hand off had a way of perfectly curving my appetite, but it’s the only thing i can think to say to rip me out of the chokehold that this silence has on me.
“me too, c’mon” he stands up and reaches out his hand for mine.
i’ve never been more confused in my fucking life. it was one thing to catch me when i fall, bring my suitcase inside, but praise me? hold my hand twice? i don’t know if i’m just delusional or if this is part of some code matt wants me to decipher, either way, i’m at my wits end.
i take his hand to help me up, and he smiles at me and we drop our hands at the same time. i smile back and he turns away to lead us back downstairs, i make sure he’s first so that he doesn’t see my face contort into a look of embarrassment.
definitely way over thinking it.
˚୨୧⋆。˚ ⋆ ˚୨୧⋆。˚ ⋆ ˚୨୧⋆。˚ ⋆ ˚୨୧⋆。˚ ⋆ ˚୨୧
after a great dinner and a few drinks all around, everyone says their goodnights and head to their bedrooms.
i do the same, and after a few hours, despite no one else in the house being awake and a couple drinks in me, i am nowhere near the point of falling asleep.
tossing and turning is all i can manage myself to do, sweating i don’t know which; being so hot and bothered by everything matt has done earlier or the vermont heat just personally attacking me and only me tonight.
i peel off the sheets and pillows, and it provides me with some relief for a little, but does nothing to fight my consciousness. with this temperature, maybe i just need a glass of water.
i creep downstairs as quiet as i can to not wake anyone, and i do the same with opening the fridge.
i look through it for a few seconds trying to find a water bottle, when a sudden voice behind me makes me jump,
“couldn’t sleep either?”
it’s matt. what the fuck, i thought he was asleep?
“matt, you scared the shit out of me! i thought you were asleep,”
i put my hand on my chest to cure the spike in heart rate, and turn around changing my focus back to the fridge.
“looking for a water? great minds think alike,” I hear his feet shuffle close behind me, and i feel the immediate spike in heart rate come back again when he moves me over, brushing up against me with a steady grip on my waist.
“right over here,” he says? pulling out two water bottles from the fridge. i feel like i’m going to fucking explode.
“thanks,” i crack open the lid, “so what’s keeping you up this late?” i say as my best attempt at remaining as calm and cool as possible.
“eh, y’know, just thinking about things. what about you?” he asks, and we sip simultaneously.
there’s honestly two answers to this question, I could say the truth or i could just agree.
i decide to go with the significantly less risky answer, but before i can even get the first word out he starts again,
“idea, let’s go in the hot tub,” his smile is so fucking innocent when he says it, it just drives me nuts.
i don’t even bother bringing up how ‘the heat is bothering me’ when he’s standing there, asking—no, not even asking me to go to the hot tub with him; telling me.
“oh yeah i’m down. maybe the heat will help us get sleepy,” i lie through my teeth, but saying it as nonchalantly as possible so he hopefully can’t hear the nervousness in the undertones of my voice.
“perfect, i’ll go change real quick and meet you out there,” he slips away with a light jog and i head his door close before i can even actually process what’s going on.
unfortunately there’s no time to think too deeply about it, and i book it to my room to change.
i have a couple options that i need to decide through quickly, ultimately landing on a dark blue stringed two piece.
i throw on the tshirt i had while sleeping over my bikini and quietly jog to the hot tub, located on the back end of the property, in its own reserved area. matt is already in there waiting for me, arms spread and his eyes lock with mine right when i come outside.
“hey,”
“hi, how’s the tem-“
“are you just going to stand there and talk or are you going to come in?” his words leave me slightly dumbfounded, but i can bounce back from this.
“oh, i’m coming,” i say, beginning to peel off the shirt I have on. i walk to the edge and begin to lower myself in, matt’s eyes locked on my body the whole time.
i pretend not to notice.
“thank you,” i say to him, a confused look popping on his face.
“for what?”
“taking care of me today, you didn’t have to do anything you did at all,” the words somehow just flow out of my mouth without realizing and i watch him as he lets out a light hearted laugh and looks down,
“you already thanked me today before, but no problem, i wanted to,” he replied, turning his gaze to match mine, i swear i feel like his eyes can see into my soul when he looks at me now.
“you did? why?” i ask out of genuine curiosity. it’s not like he would have never done something for me before today, but it was different; it was how he did. whether it has to do with me specifically or not, i really want to know.
“you’re my favorite girl in this world, how could i just not take care of you?” i don’t notice that we’ve slowly been moving towards each other this entire conversation, and now our bodies are just a few inches apart.
“this whole time i was thinking you were just being nice— matt, you don’t know what you do to me,” i confess, my stare going back and forth between both his eyes, aching for any hint at what he could be thinking.
“god, speak for yourself, it’s almost impossible to stop how i feel about you; or hide it” he pushing the hair in front of my face behind my ear and pulls me closer to him by the back of my neck.
the feeling i had when he caught me today, cleaned my hand and praised me, brushed up against me, all comes rushing back to me instantly, blissful in the knowing that it’s justified.
“can i kiss you?”
this man could not get any more perfect.
“mhm,” i give out and nod in affirmation, and immediately feel his lips press against mine.
at first the kiss is slow and deep, his hands not being able to sit still against my skin.
i feel the heat between legs rise, and i shortly become impatient with the painfully slow pace he’s at. as much as i love it, i’m craving more; more of him.
i gently bite and suck on his bottom lip, earning a groan from him, and he instantly gets the message. his kisses become sloppier, less tamed, and they start to work their way down my neck.
i moan in pleasure as he sucks the sweet spot between my neck and my collarbone, holding my back and nipping as he makes his way up to hungrily claim my lips.
“can i take this off?” he waits for my consent, fiddling with the small strings that are holding my bathing suit together.
“do whatever you want to me,” i breathe out, and i mean it.
he pulls me in by my waist and kisses me again, our tongues battling as he unties the strings of my bikini top and removes the fabric between us without breaking a single kiss.
the cold air on my tits compared to the steaming hot tub causes me to gasp, and i pull even closer to matt, pressing my chest against his own.
he moans lightly and moves his mouth from mine, holding me up by the legs around his lips to carry me to the edge of the hot tub.
in no time he claims my nipple, sucking and licking hard on the area, making me grow even wetter by the minute.
“mmh, matt” i moan out, tipping my head back in pleasure.
“feels good, baby?” i nod vigorously, and he descends his kisses down me stopping when he gets in between my legs to my clothed core.
his thumb circles my clit, and i have to bite my lip in order to not scream his name immediately.
“you’re so wet already, i love it. can i taste you baby?” he purrs, knowing exactly what kind of answer he’s getting, well aware of the state he put me in.
“y-yes, god, please do,” i beg him, and he works immediately to untie the strings of my bottoms and let them fall off, exposing myself to him.
the steam from the hot tub does not do me any favors in the burning heat in my core, both from that and the sheer fact i want him to fuck me senseless right now.
“mmm” matt begins,
“i knew your pussy would be pretty, just look at how beautiful you are,” he rubs his fingers between my wet folds and i blush at his words.
“i’m gonna show you how beautiful you are,” he says, right before pushing my legs further apart for him to suck my clit.
i can’t help myself from grabbing a handful of his brown locks and squeezing my legs together against his head, and he groans in response.
his groan sends vibrations further into my pussy, making it even more impossible to suffocate the loud moans escaping from my lips.
he goes to work making out with my core, and each suck, kiss, and moan makes me exponentially closer to exploding all over him.
“m-matt i feel it i’m-“ and he stops, i shoot him a confused look, attempting to get rid of the edge that’s holding me right now.
i rub my own clit, looking him in the eye and watch his breath hitch as i moan at my own self pleasure.
i almost manage to stick two fingers in myself, but before that happens he grabs my wrists, taking the pleasure from me yet again.
“i stopped because i want you to cum on my dick, can you do that for me?” he questions softly, rubbing his clothed erection on my pussy.
the feeling of it makes me buzz, “yes i can matt, fuck me,” i say in a mix of demanding and asking, and he removes himself from his black swim trunks and lets his throbbing dick spring out.
he pumps himself a few times before aligning up with my entrance. matt pushes himself in, lewd noises escaping from both of our mouths and bodies slapping against one another.
“yeah, take that shit baby. you’re doing so well.” he moans into my ear, his repeated statement of praise is music to me.
“you’re so beautiful, how can anyone be so perfect,” he breathes out, hard deep strokes becoming sloppier by the minute.
matt’s words cause me to hit dangerously close to cumming, and without warning i paint white all over his dick; but that doesn’t stop him”
“sorry i d-didn’t say it happened s-so fast,” i apologize as he keeps thrusting into me,
“mm don’t be sorry, you did just what i asked. i’m gonna cum too angel,”
“cum in me, matt”
he wastes no time arguing with me and releases shortly after into me; his and my own liquids leaking down my thigh.
i do my best to catch my breath, and he cups my face and presses a sweet kiss on my nose,
“i made a mess outta, you huh,” he laughs playfully, also trying to regain his own air.
i let out a tired laugh of my own “yeah, i’m gonna have to shower and go to bed; after all that, im surprisingly ready to sleep,” i tease and poke his chest, he drops his jaw pretending to be offended.
“yeah yeah, surprisingly, whatever. can i join you in that shower?” he suggests, handing me a towel before covering himself with one too.
“hm, only if you join me in my bed after,” i smile, wrapping my body in the soft material,
“deal,” he whispers, kissing my head, carrying me all the way to his bathroom, before grabbing my things and putting them on his bed.
except this time, it’s our bed.
#matt sturniolo#matt sturniolo fanfic#matt sturniolo fluff#matt sturniolo x reader#matthew sturniolo#matthew sturniolo x reader#chris sturniolo x reader#chris sturniolo#christopher sturniolo#nick sturniolo#nicolas sturniolo#sturniolo fanfic#sturniolo smut#sturniolo triplets#sturniolo x reader#the sturniolo triplets#sturniolos#sturniolo#sturniolo x you#chris sturniolo fanfic#sturniolo fandom#chris sturniolo smut#matt sturniolo smut#matt sturniolo x you
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Under My Skin
Summary : Bucky is always ready to give his girl cuddles.
Pairing : Bucky Barnes x reader (she/her)
Warnings/tags : fluff. Sam being a good wingman.
Requested by : @sergeantbarnessdoll
Word count : 1.5k
Note : I am currently writing this while dyeing my hair red since my irl boyfriend and I are going as Bucky and Nat in the Hellfire Bar from Thunderbolts 2023 comics for halloween (he has long hair, blue eyes, and a scruffy beard. Uh oh I have a type). Enjoy!
Requests are open!
○support my ko-fi○
This week has been long-drawn and exhausting. The world seemed to be conspiring against you and all your efforts. You barely made it through work, and everything you did felt like one never-ending task after another. By the time the weekend finally arrived, all you wanted was to be cocooned in a fuzzy blanket and do nothing until Monday came.
There was only one person in the world who could provide that: James Buchanan Barnes.
You had been dating super soldier for almost a year now, and while you were past the initial nerves of a relationship, there was still something magical about being in his presence, and you were certain it would ever end. There was something in the way he looked at you with those sky blue eyes that made you feel like you were everything that mattered in his world.
Bucky had always loved spoiling you with his affection, and you would never complain about it, but sometimes, his 40s self would kick in, holding back PDA to a proper amount when all you really wanted was to be wrapped up in his arms and forget about everything else.
Today was one of those days.
It was early afternoon, and Bucky had just returned home from a training session with Sam. He looked a little worn out but still full of energy, you knew he’d recover in no time. He invited Sam back for a drink, and though he had also become a dear friend to you, you could not wait till he walked out the door.
With Sam around, Bucky’s affection became restrained, especially since they were talking about work things. Bucky was always a little tense when it came to that subject.
“Psst,” you whispered from the side of the couch you were sitting on as Bucky excused himself to use the toilet. “Sam.”
One of Sam’s eyebrows raised, leaning up from the armchair he occupied. “What?”
“Look, you’re a great guy and all,” you began, smiling to let him know you meant no harm, “But you’re taking my boyfriend away from me.”
Sam was clearly entertained by your attempt to be diplomatic. He crossed his arms over his chest, giving you a playful look. “Oh, I see what this is. You’re kicking me out, huh?”
“Not kicking you out.” You corrected, smiling sheepishly. “Just… nudging?”
Sam chuckled, shaking his head. “I get it. He can be caught up in missions sometimes.”
You sighed, knowing Sam was right. No matter what, Bucky always had that serious, brooding nature, especially when it came to this line of work.
“I know,” you glanced over toward the hallway where Bucky had gone, lowering your voice. “He doesn’t know how much I need him right now. I just want him to myself, you know?”
Sam studied you for a moment, a gentle smile forming on his face. “He’s not the best at picking up on those cues, is he?”
You nodded.
“Alright, alright. I hear you,” Sam said, “I can be subtle. Don’t worry, I won’t let ol’ Buck figure out what’s going on.”
Your eyes lit up, thankful you had a friend on your side. “Thanks, Sam.”
“Just remember this when I need you to get me out of babysitting your super soldier boyfriend,” Sam stood, stretching his arms overhead, “He has a tendency of blowing random shit up on covert missions, and I have to justify all the damage to Ross.”
You laughed softly, shaking your head as you watched Sam walk toward the door. He called out loud enough for Bucky to hear, “Well, I’d better get going. Got stuff to do— important Avenger business.”
Bucky reappeared from the hallway after you heard a flush, his brows furrowed. “Thought you wanted to hang out for a while.”
“I’ve been here long enough,” Sam waved a hand dismissively. “Besides, you know how it is— people to see, world-saving to do.” He gave Bucky a casual grin, one that didn’t betray a single hint of the conspiracy between you two.
Before Bucky could answer, Sam added, “I’ll see you both later. Oh, and Buck?” Sam leaned in, lowering his voice so only Bucky could hear. “Take care of her.”
Bucky’s expression softened, glancing at you. “I always do.”
With that, Sam made a quick exit, leaving you and Bucky alone at last.
You watched him lock the door from the couch, shrugging and not suspecting a thing. He then made his way in the kitchen, filling up a glass of water, his back turned to you as he unknowingly teased you with the way his shoulder muscles moved beneath his fitted shirt.
You let out an exaggerated sigh, slumping further into the couch, hoping he would notice, now that his friend wasn't keeping him preoccupied.
He didn’t.
You sighed louder, more dramatically this time, and when that still didn’t get his attention, you resorted to your favourite tactic: being whiny enough to still be adorable, and only annoying enough to get his attention.
“Bucky….” you called, dragging out his name. “I’m lonely.”
He turned around, leaning back on the kitchen counter. His eyebrows raised, amused. “Doll, I’m right here.”
“It’s too far,” you pouted. You crossed your arms, scrunching up your nose in a way that you knew would pull a tug at his heartstring. It was his weakness. “Come cuddle.”
He chuckled softly, shaking his head. He walked over to the couch, setting his glass on the coffee table. “Someone’s a little needy.” He teased.
“I’ve been waiting for you all day,” you whined again, reaching out and grabbing his human hand, pulling him toward you. “It’s been forever since we cuddled.”
Bucky chuckled. To a degree, he enjoyed keeping you begging for his affection, even though you knew he’d give it to you freely. “We cuddled this morning, darling.”
“That was this morning,” you argued, giving him your best puppy-dog eyes.
He chuckled again. The sound was deep and soothing, blanketing warmth around the room. “Oh, so one cuddle a day isn’t enough for my girl?”
“Nope,” you said, emphasis on the ‘p’ sound. Tugging on his arm, you attempted to pull his large frame onto the couch with you, though your tired strength was no match to his.
Still, Bucky played along, letting himself be dragged down until he was sitting beside you. He draped an arm around you, but not fully embracing you yet.
You weren’t satisfied with that. You wriggled onto his lap, straddling him and pressing your forehead against his, your noses brushing together. His hands instinctively rested on your hips, steadying your frame.
“You’re lucky I’m such a sucker for you,” Bucky murmured, burying his head on the crook of your neck.
You smiled sweetly, wrapping your arms tightly around his form. “Does that mean you’ll give me all the cuddles?”
“Of course, doll.”
Satisfied with his answer, you rested your head on his broad shoulder as his strong arms circled around you. His metal arm was cool against your back, his other hand was comforting as it rubbed soothing circles against the small of your back. You let out a content sigh, melting into his sweet embrace.
Bucky squeezed you as he breathed in your sweet, flowery scent. “Rough day?” he asked as you felt his voice reverberate throughout his chest.
“Mmm-hmm,” you mumbled, nuzzling further into him, if that was even physically possible.
Bucky’s chest rumbled as a soothing chuckle escaped his lips. His fingers continued tracing light patterns on your back. “You’re really not gonna let me move, are you?”
“Nope,” you said, your voice muffled. After a few seconds, you shifted slightly. “Actually,” you started, “this isn’t close enough.”
Bucky raised an eyebrow. “How much closer can we get?”
You tilted your head, as if pretending to think. “Well... maybe if we were cocooned in a blanket. And you were lying down. And also, you could wrap your arms and legs around me like a human pretzel.”
He playfully rolled his eyes but obliged anyway. He'd do anything for his girl.
He leaned back on the couch, pulling you down with him. You made yourself comfortable, sprawling over his chest like a tabby cat as he tugged a nearby throw blanket over the two of you.
“There,” he said, pulling you even closer. His arms circled around your waist, legs tangled comfortably. “Happy now, clingy?” he teased.
“Almost,” you replied, wrapping your arms around his neck. “I just need you to hold me a little tighter.”
Bucky tightened his grip very slightly.
“More,” you whined, shifting in his grasp.
He pretended to sigh dramatically, but his smile was obvious as he squeezed you. He enveloped you as tight as he could, careful not to hurt you. “You’re gonna disappear if I keep this up.”
“Exactly,” you mumbled, snuggling into the crook of his neck. “I just want to be under your skin. Is that too much to ask?”
Bucky kissed your forehead. His lips lingered for a second as he muttered, "You’re already under my skin, doll." He said, his voice brimming with affection. You could tell he meant it, and in a good way. "And I wouldn’t have it any other way."
-end
#bucky barnes x reader#bucky barnes imagine#bucky barnes fluff#bucky barnes#bucky x reader#bucky x you#bucky barnes fanfiction#bucky barnes x you#james buchanan barnes#marvel fanfiction#james bucky barnes#bucky fic#bucky barnes fanfic#bucky barnes x reader fluff#winter soldier#the winter soldier#tfatws#catws#fatws#bucky#sebastian stan x reader#sebastian stan#sebastian stan imagine#bucky x female reader#bucky x y/n#bucky barnes x f!reader#bucky barnes x y/n#bucky barnes x female reader#marvel thunderbolts#thunderbolts
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Just a funny thought that since Choso can control his blood or whatever, what if he can control his boners…😭
-🩻
I've been inspired ૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა
ʚ cont: fem reader, kinda sub choso, oral(m!r), edging, dirty talk, teasing, body worship(?)
MINORS AND AGELESS BLOGS DNI
°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:・°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:・°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:・°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:・°❀⋆.ೃ
"Do you really have to look at me like this? It's so embarrassing." Choso complained, holding his t-shirt over his crotch as he averted his eyes. You kicked your legs behind your body as you laid on your stomach on top of your bed, Choso standing in front of you. "Well I wanna get a good view of it don't I?" You teased, reaching out your hand and caressing his upper thigh, just under where his hands were blocking.
"Don't…" Choso whispered, feeling his face heat up at the sudden attention. "If it goes up just make the blood go somewhere else." You teased, laying your head down on your arm, your eyes staying locked on Choso's large hands that blocked his crotch. "It's hard to do that," Choso whined, gripping your wrist and pushing it back toward your body.
You retracted your arm, crossing it under your head with the other one as you laid on them. "How so?" You asked, your eyes finding his. Choso's gulp was almost audible. Your eyes looked so pretty and wide when you looked up at him from this angle. "I want to be aroused when you touch me like that… so forcing the blood away is kinda like edging myself," Choso explained, making a small smile creep onto your face.
"You're so cute Choso." You praised, watching how your words made his cheeks turn pink. "Fine, I won't touch you anymore, I'll just watch." You said, smiling up at him. Choso averted his eyes when he couldn't take your sultry stare anymore, his eyes dropping to his hands over his crotch. "You've obviously done this before, so how did you find out you could do it?" You asked, watching as Choso let his t-shirt drop to the floor as he began slowly working on his belt.
Choso's blush grew deeper at your question as he pulled the belt out from the loops in his pants. "Sometimes I'll wake up and my…" Choso cleared his throat, his eyes darting around the room, "It'll also be up… down there. It's easier to just force it down like that rather than touching myself." He explained, sliding his pants down his thighs. You listened to his words carefully as he slid his pants off his legs, his porcelain skin getting revealed to your eyes.
"Next time it's like that when you wake up just wake me up Cho, I'll take care of it." You said, slightly teasing him but you were serious with your words. Choso's eyes found yours as he stared at you pointedly, almost pouting. "Sorry sorry," You laughed, forgetting Choso was already having enough time keeping his boner down as is.
Choso hesitated before pulling down his pants, his thumbs just resting under the band of his boxers. "What's wrong? Did ur' hands stop working? Need some help?" You offered, picking your head up and resting it in your hands, elbows perched on the bed. "You've… never seen my dick soft before," Choso said, his face scrunching a bit in embarrassment as he tried to cover his crotch with his fingers while keeping his thumbs under his boxers.
You smiled before finding his eyes, waiting till he looked at you before you spoke. "I have. When you were really sick and I had to bathe you remember? I saw it then and it was perfect." You said, reassuring him. Choso looked like he wanted to say something in response, but he just pressed his lips together in a pout and looked down at himself, at the bulge in his boxers from his soft cock.
You don't know why Choso was so nervous, his cock was huge even when it was soft. He took a deep breath before sliding his boxers down, the short black hairs on his pelvis being revealed slowly, making you subtly press your thighs together. Your mouth started watering when the base of Choso's dick was revealed, he was moving too slowly for your liking, but he was extremely nervous so you decided to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Once Choso had completely stepped out of his boxers, he stood in front of you awkwardly, hands clenching and unclenching by his sides. "Choso." You said softly, raking your eyes down the expanse of his body before they landed on his face. "Come closer, don't have to be so nervous baby." You teased, taking his soft thigh back in your hand again once his feet met the edge of the bed, his cock now level with your face and very close to it.
Choso caressed the side of your face, the once teasing touch on his thigh now welcoming and comforting. You leaned into his touch and kept your eyes on his, wanting him to calm down a bit before you gave any instruction. Once Choso's heartbeat had slowed, and his breathing was steady, you looked down at his cock, noticing how it twitched softly every so often, most likely from Choso trying to keep his boner down.
You smiled nice and big for him when you were ready, finding his eyes for a moment before looking back down, focusing on his cock. "Ok, lemme see it." You said. Choso released a shaky breath as he shook his head. Goosebumps ran down his back as you caressed his inner thighs, your soft, cool hands feeling calming against his burning skin. Your mouth fell open in a small O as Choso let the blood slowly flood back to his cock.
His dick was at full hardness in under ten seconds. It rested only inches from your face, twitching strongly as you oggled it. Choso watched you watch him grow hard, fighting the urge to not cover his face in embarrassment as his face flushed furiously, feeling like heat was radiating from it. Choso's hand shook against your cheek, his whole body vibrating with nervousness.
You looked back up at him sweetly, smiling as innocently as possible. Choso looked like he was holding back, but he also looked very vulnerable, making your heart swell tenfold. Maintaining eye contact with him, you leaned forward and stuck out your tongue, finding his cock with the hot appendage using your peripherals. Choso's jaw fell open as he sucked in a shaky breath when your tongue met with his hot cock, his eyes staying locked on yours as they fluttered in his head.
You giggled almost inaudibly before you wrapped your lips around his cock and licked your tongue around his soft tip, the taste of his pre-cum immediately flooding your tastebuds as he dripped into your mouth. Choso gasped quietly as you bobbed your head slowly down on his cock, taking it deeper and deeper, little bit by little bit. His eyes fluttered when you moaned around him, the sound vibrating around his cock.
You focused on sucking air in through your nose when your lips hit the base of his cock, his dick snugly in your throat. Choso weakly kept his hand on the top of your head, his body shaking as he took in how warm and tight your throat felt. Choso finally broke eye contact when you swallowed around him, your throat contracting around his cock.
His head tipped back as his jaw fell open in a groan, his eyes falling shut. You giggled around him as you bobbed your mouth on his cock hands-free a few more times, taking him into your throat each time, making his hand curl against your head, his nails raking over your scalp softly. You hummed around his base for a moment, leaving his hard cock snug in your throat for as long as you could before you needed air before you pulled back entirely, a string of saliva connecting you to the tip of his cock.
Choso's head tipped back down to look at you, your lips swollen and wet from just throating his dick. You looked up at him with a dopey smile, one full of mischievous. Choso kept his hand on your head as he waited for you to continue, only you didn't, speaking instead, "Make it go back down now." Choso swore his heart shattered in that moment as he tried to make sense of your words in his pleasure-riddled brain. "Huh?" He asked softly, his eyes half-lidded with lust.
"Your cock, make it go soft again." You instructed, nodding your head at him. Choso bit his lip between his teeth as he fought with himself internally. He didn't want to do that, at all actually, but the thought of saying no to you sounded just as bad. With a small sigh, Choso looked away and let the blood run back into his body, away from his cock.
His dick softened in front of your eyes, slower than it had gotten hard the first time. When he was fully soft, he looked back down at you, gauging your reaction. "Good boy." You praised, looking back up at him through your lashes. Leaning forward you pressed your still wet lips against his soft cock, the skin feeling much softer than before. "Thank you Choso, that's all. You can put your clothes back on now." You instructed, smiling at him innocently.
You watched the gears try to turn in Choso's head as you sat up and grabbed his face, pecking him on the lips before you slid off the bed and reached down to pick up his clothes, pressing them against his chest once you gathered them. "I'll give you some privacy to change." You said. Standing on your tiptoes you pressed a kiss to his hot cheeks before walking past him and out the door, shutting it quietly behind you.
Choso stayed still and unmoving in your bedroom for a good minute or so as he waited for his brain to catch up with what had just happened. With a sigh and a pout he started putting his clothes back on, he knew you would never leave him unsatisfied like this, he figured you had something bigger planned, a reward maybe, if he listened. So Choso did just that, keeping his boner down as he clothed himself before leaving the room to join you in the living area.
#jjk smut#jujutsu kaisen smut#jjk x reader#jjk x y/n#jujutsu kaisen x reader#jjk x reader smut#jjk x you#jjk#choso smut#choso jujutsu kaisen#kamo choso#choso#choso kamo#choso x reader#jjk choso#jujutsu kaisen choso#choso jjk#choso my beloved#choso x you#choso x y/n#choso x female reader
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