#I forget sometimes and I kick myself
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Blows my mind sometimes how gorgeous Jonathan is.
#I forget sometimes and I kick myself#because just LOOK at him#he’s a goddamn fucking muse#he needs to be sculpted and painted and shit#and that’s not even considering his voice#it’s not unreasonable to say that he has one of the most versatile unique harsh intense and beautiful voices in music let alone metal#and I will stand by that#jonathan davis#korn#nu metal
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Jitterbug
#whenever my meds kick in it feels like im gonna piss myself. not literally but its really really feels like it#and now whenever that happens my mind goes back to pancho (grandmas dog) at a xmas party years ago#bc he peed when we arrived bc he was so excited to see ppl and my cousin had to clean it up :o)#well for better or for worse i know that feeling now when im pumped on 20mg of adderall#im still getting used to this whole diagnosis thing cause ive gone untreated and undiagnosed for the longest time. so theres probably a lot#i still dont know and have to learn to get myself to be.. functional on my own? self managing????#i even set up reminders on my phone for work periods meals and stuff. but the problem is actually getting myself to stick to that to a T#because the minute i slack off or something gets in the way it throws it all off until i can be bothered to get back on track. it sucks#at least ive built up other habits like writing notes and setting alarms ahead of time.. but i feel like i could do better#its always hard to change something if youve been doing it wrong for the longest time. especially behaviour and thinking patterns. sigh#in other news my glasses bailed on me so i have to get a new pair sometime. i just realized i never draw my sona with glasses but thats#mostly bc i forget. id love to get some browline glasses like my old pair but im picky and its hard to find one id like for the next 5 year#i also finally managed to collect all the fish in my animal crossing file!!! pulled out a char last week and boom now i have a poster :o)#THAT was a moment where i almost peed myself for real. id love to get all the bugs but i cant stay up late on the switch :o(#yapping#my art#myart#doodles#personal#diary
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#one day I will get brave enough to set boundaries about the number of times people can promise to show up for me and then just *not*#one day i will be brave enough to say hey this hurts me actually#that you said you would do x/be with me for y/help me with y#and have not followed through#and i get it sometimes people forget things#sometimes real life gets in the way#irl sucks and the nature of being an adult means other things take priority#that's fine#and ig sometimes the things i am asking for are inconsequential in their eyes#they're small tiny things that to them don't mean much or they don't perceive them as that big of a deal#so like#yeah i guess im being whiny and childish by saying hey this tiny thing actually means a lot to me#i get it#but its hard to feel valued and important when its happening consistently#and i am used to just being#forgotten#im easily overlooked#easily ignored#and i never say anything because i am here also convincing myself I have no right to kick up a stink about these tiny things#that in the grand scheme of life are not that important#none of these things im asking for are life threatening so maybe I should just#stop being upset that im not getting them#but then also im like. it's not even about the thing. it's about the consistent promises#and then the consistent inability to meet those promises#because im not important enough to make that effort for ig#sigh#im just venting into the void apparently#1 week anniversary of me moving back into my shitty home situation with my parents and my mental health is in the toilet#can you tell lol#sorry for being sad on main again
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every fucking time I wonder if I might be allosexual me: if a guy looks at me the wrong way I will have a panic attack, throw up and think about it for four business days
#Asexual#im so sorry if anyone has seen me post on a similar theme before#Asexuality#sometimes I think I must be faking being ace surely? My friends I don’t think your blood is supposed to run cold if someone flirts with you#I don’t appreciate it at all— just another reminder I guess that I’m extremely ace#Ace#Aspec#acespec#I spoke to my bestie about it this afternoon and like. I love her n everything but my reaction left me feeling a bit sheepish#A bit childish#And I have to sort of hold myself in place; stand my ground etc. and remind myself that#My reaction and how I deal with notions of sexuality ARE expressions of MY sexuality. They don’t have to mimic allosexual people#They don’t have to conform to heterosexuality. They don’t have to even be compatible with allosexuality#Other sexualities arent told* to go against their own sexuality. I shouldn’t have to change mine to accommodate anyone else’s#This is who I am right? If I’ve literally been out there saying with my whole chest ‘I am asexual’#We can’t just get upset when the asexual person reacts in an asexual way#Like to be fair no one is saying ‘oh hey you should just cave in and be hetero’#But also I will have reactions to allosexuality that don’t conform to allo-ness. We can’t just fucking forget that#Anyway.#Midnight rants#I forgot to say * = obv; caveat saying homophobes exist but people who aren't homophobes and are actually supportive will often#forget themselves when amatonormativity kicks in
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sad boy hours officially canceled, I am once again refusing to let it take hold and taking my happiness by force
#made of bit of a fool of myself again#but sometimes thats all you need to do to see that the stupid shit your head is telling you is wrong#I forget that happiness doesn't come easily to people like me and I need to kick myself in the ass every once in awhile#to actually go out and get it instead of sitting and stewing in the depression waiting for it to come to me#big thanks to everyone who has been kind to me#as a very quiet and emotionally repressed person it means more to me than I could ever express
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oh right i forgot the real reason i stopped listening to broadway clips was that i've got this whole enormous miserable knot in my chest abt having been too socially anxious to do anything with my once-upon-a-time-very-gorgeous voice once i got spat out of the safe little nest of my high school, and like, most of the time i forget that knot even exists, but when i listen to the sort of music i used to be part of making (proper opera but also showtunes) it's like. this whole fast-forward feelings journey thru 'oh right that didn't actually go away, it's still right there in my throat, just calcified' to 'oh okay we tugged the loose end and it's unraveling and actually it was keeping contained a whole rush of tears like aeolus' bag of winds in the odyssey…'
#like i decline 2 actually cry abt it but. sure am on the verge of it lmao. thick sore throat and all#i always forget that when i'm actually happy i sing to myself. it's been a long time since i did that#i mean also a big problem with voice was like. the gender thing#conveniently being a mezzo is ALSO a gender thing which did more work for me than i realized but#was listening to a jeremy jordan medley ft. on the street where you live from my fair lady and had a sudden flashback#to the year i was like 'what if i sang that for our musical theater showcase' and my voice teacher was like. noooo not a Boy Song 4 Girl U!#but i used to sing that to myself all the time. also‚ hilariously‚ the girl that i marry from annie get yr gun#which is just like. literally i still thought i was a straight girl tho. the sheer level of doublethink this required.#what was happening in my brain.#(i mean obviously what was happening in my brain was that like. i knew the limits of acceptability)#(and so i couldn't know anything else abt myself.)#(like i've said this before but i do strongly wonder what else my brain isn't allowing me to know bc i still live with my dad)#(which is like. SO dumb bc honestly i'm not sure there's anything i could do that he'd kick me out/disown me over)#(certainly not anything sexuality or even gender related idt)#(but it's like. i know where the discomfort line is and emotionally i just. can't bear to exile myself out beyond it!)#(even if my doing so might eventually shift the line out to where it embraced me again!)#(sometimes learning yr own deep unacceptability in childhood 4 adhd reasons)#(and also 'yr mother is so depressed nothing you do will ever please her. have fun trying tho!!' reasons)#(makes you just. totally incapable of deliberately rendering yrself less acceptable as an adult even when it would be good for you)#(anyway like. thinking back to the K in old home videos who was like. confident that they were an engaging delight)#(and like. what a charming jeremy jordan of a performer they could have made.)#(if only my whole upbringing hadn't then happened to me and crushed all the unacceptable self-expression out of me.)#anyway. shh don't look at me it's fine! it's all fine. 🫥🫥🫥#formative#feelingsblogging
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When you need a reality check but nobody's awake <3
#y'know sometimes. sometimes I get to forget that we're prone to delusions.#and then sometimes. SOMETIMES STRESS KICKS THE FUCK IN.#and no. no I don't get to forget.#fffffdjejwjsjjdensfjf#WHOO PSYCHOSIS LET'S FUCKING GO#luckily most of the time I can reality check myself but like. rn.#no.#(gonna detail delusion warning)#rn there's a guy that hacked into my phone screen and is now watching everything I'm doing#and he has to have evil intentions#why can't the guy watching me through my phone screen ever be nice#huh#why can't he just be seeing#idk what my favorite candy is#jajshrbwnskkdjnwndbfbehayyskwlkw#ik I'm like. calling it a delusion even though I have a degree of this is unreasonable.#but enough of my brain is fucked about it that I think this counts at this point#one of those living in two realities moments or smth idk#doesn't help that insomnia has hated me recently#insomnia my beloathed
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being closer to your 30s than 20s and having nothing to show for it is so
#personal#cannot finish college/uni cannot find a job bc poor mental health being dependent on parents still how pathetic#sometimes im like wow i should be grateful i havent been kicked out yet and then its like i need to be as little of a burden as possible#like gee wonder why i still struggle with an eating disorder after over a decade. if i cant fucking off myself might as well take up as lit#le space and use up as little resources as possible#even if i wanted and could afford to go back and get a degree i still wouldnt know what to major or get a degree in#they tell you in high school its okay to be undecided youll figure it out but what if its been 9 years and i still dont know#i know. i guess. also i understand why communication courses are required for a degree but i have failed or dropped out every single class#failed interpersonal communication one semester bc i kept fucking forgetting to take the weekly online quiz and never stopped kicking my ow#ass over it ever since#tried retaking it another cemester and stopped showing up half way though bc i couldnt deal with it anymore#tried taking public speaking another and literally panicked and didnt show up anymore after the first week/class#and that was when i was 18-20 like when its okay if you dont really have anything major to share about your life#imagine being 26 having to go up and say something about yourself and its like. ive been a depressed homebody for the past 5+ years idk wha#else to tell you
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Ugh my face hurts right now I went to the alligator farm and had a lot of fun oh woe is me
#i smile a LOT and it makes my face hurt SO BAD but i get happy over almost everything so unfortunately#i dont have a choice 😮💨#very unfortunate for my face#but alas#i feel like i focus on how angry and miserable i am and forget about how happy i am too sometimes#like yeah im sad a lot of the time but im also really happy a lot of the time#i do not exist in a vacuum#where only one emotion exists#no matter how much it feels that way sometimes#like yeah i find it really hard to get up and do even the easiest things sometimes#but sometimes i also get so happy i have to get up and be productive because i just get so excited#i have a lot of extremes and theyre not all bad#and i forget that a lot#i love smiling with my whole face because i just need to express how utterly ecstatic i am but it makes me look like a frog#but i hope it lets everyone know just how happy i am just to be near them to the point where it doesnt even matter if i look like a frog#i think frogs could be the happiest animals sometimes#cause they look the way i do when im so excited it feels like my happiess is splintering my bones and radiating out of me#and i cant keep it in or ill explode#i do restrain myself from jumping around or stimming or anything like that#but sometimes i allow myself a little bit of foot kicking#or giggling
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convinced February is the worst month of the year ✨horrendous✨ energy hahah goodbye
#delete it off the calendar#nothing good in there#It’s crazy that it takes something traumatizing to happen to give u a kick in the ass tho#to actually start taking care of yourself your future and to jolt you the fuck out of your own head#sometimes it takes something that bad or scary idk#hasn’t been easy and thinking about two weeks ago is dark times but we move#made myself so proud though#and helps to hear you’ve made someone else proud too#I can be so strong and brave sometimes#and shouldn’t let myself forget#next month has some challenges of its own but will get through#my anxiety has turned me into such a little bitch these last few years and I’m over it#but the old me is under there still and I see her sometimes#gonna make it a goal to take better care of myself in all the ways#and keep luring that brave back out#just gotta keep moving#be scared and move anyway#and show up for yourself#there’s a better future waiting#can imagine it down to the smallest details#🧿#anyways lol#mostly I’m just rooting for you April#warmth and the sun and tickets to see jodie perform TWICE 🥲#and seeing lil Brian on the 30th#universe make good things happen please and thanks#counting on u (and me)#wrote this lastnight but I feel cringe posting anything personal anymore not sure why#just hope shit looks up soon and I guess if it doesn’t at least it’ll be warm soon and I can sit on a rock by the ocean
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okay wait i think i just triggered my asthma and it felt like a panic attack
#i forget sometimes that i have can't breathe disorder#i sprayed a bunch of fabric refresher thats just water mixed with downy unstoppables#and I'm pretty sure the sheer amount of it i sprayed on everything gave me an asthma attack#i opened the window and walked the dog and im already feeling better#so it wasn't anxiety it was just my dumb idiot disease kicking in#I've got to remind myself that i literally already can't breathe right stop spraying heavily fragranced shit all over the place#haha oops#i just wanted it to smell pretty in here :///
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After Fedex got their shit together- after marking my package as delivered to Framingham, MA when it was actually still in Japan- my new laptop has finally arrived!
I... I don't like it.
#this is besides the normal 'windows 11 is trash' problems#i am a fool and did not thoroughly read the specs when it came to screen resolution and its... its so bad you guys#my current laptop which occasionally forgets what wifi is and can sometimes fry an egg has better screen resolution#it also has stupidly big letters on the keyboard which displease me#and its so very plasticy in a bad-texture kind of way#and im kicking myself because a laptop with twice the resolution and better specs in general was literally like 150 more#mood
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Sorry if u followed for baldurs gate content i literally just posted that one single screenshot. I wont be touching the tags until i beat the game or cave whichever comes first
#anyway gale supremacy#bg3#bg3 spoilers#but only because of my ramblings in tags here because i made my OC Samael and he has little to no impulse control and#thistle is 95% of his impulse control and Thistle is not present in this canon#and sammi is too nice to people like#he wants to see the good in everyone and sometimes making decisions IC for him is insane#like Astarion literally is trying to feed on him and he's like listen i know you don't like me but like you could have asked#and astarions like oh well can i then i promise ill stop (despite the fact that he dislikes sammi because sammi is the kind of person to#jump in and save people because hes got Morals™#and sammis like ok sure#and so sammi lets him and dont i fail the persuasion roll to tell him to stop so sammi is just laying dead in the middle of the camp like#and then i have glitchy issues trying to revive him and try to pick his body up to move it but my other characters can't do anything#because the HUD is missing because they are trapped in dialogue so i tried to get gale to move sammis body but he was too heavy so i had#gale take all his stuff forgetting that would essentially strip sammi naked but#i did figure it out and sammi got revived and put clothes back on and IMMEDIATELY went over and punched Astarion in the face#was i intending on kicking that vampire out? yes. did sammi end up doing that? no! because fucking!! AAAAAA#ok but i swear if he lays a finger on anyone else i'll kill him myself -sammi probably#astarion has that poor little meow meow vibe#like legitimately poor little meow meow
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i went to lunch with my dad today and with regards to pride month starting it came up in conversation
today's revelations
my mom knew i was "a homosexual" already based on a different time I brought it up in the past but I assumed was forgotten
so her blowing up on me a few weeks ago for coming out AGAIN was needless drama and exaggerration and screaming
—that has left me with a fear response to certain words and clothing and locations now.
My Dad: Yeah she'd called me about "I don't want MY child being a homosexual" not long after your trip to her gay friend's wedding which I thought was really hypocritical of her to say.
...before this trip I'd argued with her about her hidden partner, where she said, quote "don't i deserve to be happy? don't i deserve happiness with someone?"
huh.
anyways my dad is now inviting me to pride.
#i hate being put against my own family and feel its Unfair to demand i hold grudges and make things worse when i was very unwell#and i'm well aware of my own dad's failings and what hes said and done#but on the other hand also. one of my parents didn't give me emotional triggers like my own clothes or going certain places#or call me Tslur lover or dyke or whatever so. Yeah. you can't What About My Needs into me putting your feelings over mine THIS time sorry#therapy and antidepressants have made me immune to that. i recommend it. godbless thats not my problem#you making me feel like shit and afraid and a burden is my problem though. pardon me for listening to myself and my needs now!!!#armour clanking#SORRY i just need to talk and jabber on sometimes. 'Choosing your fights' and all. i won't hold your grudge for your fights#but i will hold mine for what youve said and done to me for ten years.#my therapist had a disclaimer that they're not responsible for changes in personality that may make some people close to u—#—have an adverse reaction to changes in personality or scope. i think i am understanding it now. less kicked-puppy's-acceptance#now im mad and hey i am not forgetting what you said. fuck off or listen to me
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cabin fever | m. sturniolo
→ matt x fem!reader
→ plot; things are heating up at the triplet’s cabin in vermont; especially between you and matt. the group of you, him, his brothers, nate and madi spend a needed getaway at the cozy house. unknown to everyone else, confessions, tension, and late nights make it even hotter between you two.
→ includes; smut, unprotected sex, outdoor sex, f!oral receiving (matt the munch AF), mentions of drinking, blood/bleeding (NOT PART OF THE SMUT), light fluff
→ a/n; madi nate nick and chris all have super minor roles and they don’t add to the plot at all btw. this one is HOT. CALOR. CALIENTE. (imo) enjoy!
MINOR PROOFREADING
——————————————————————————
“hey, we’re here,” a voice gently whispers to me, i realize belonging to nick as i slowly come back to consciousness.
the groggily feeling of sleep soon goes away and in its place is excitement; we’re finally at the cabin.
this isn’t my first time vacationing with the triplets; we’ve been going here since we were little. once becoming friends with nate and madi, they soon joined in on our yearly trip to the cabin.
i almost immediately fall stepping out of the car, my brain forgetting that my body was completely stagnant during the 4 hour car ride up here.
i put my hands out and brace for impact; but it never comes. instead a pair of arms swiftly caught me before i had my lunch with the gravel,
“dude, you gotta be more careful,” a voice chuckles from behind my head. it’s matt; i know his voice the best out of all of them.
he helps me stand up right, “whew thanks,” i breathe out with a laugh, he says nothing but delivers a nod in response. i turn on heels to grab my suitcase from the trunk,
“here let me help you, wouldn’t want you to almost fall again,” he offers, i roll my eyes at him as he takes the duffel bag from my arms and slings it over his shoulder, not giving me any time to think of a response.
i know to some that may seem flirtatious, but unfortunately it isn’t. sometimes i can’t help but feel disappointed that there isn’t something more but the guilt of feeling like that towards one of my best friends since childhood is stronger than my urges.
however, i would be a liar if i said i didn’t find him attractive. the tattoos on his body, light stubble he lets grow in sometimes, messy curls, plump lips, his eyes… jaw…
i quickly get the ongoing list of the physically mouth watering things about matt out of my head; feeling almost a guilt that i found him so hot. i shouldn’t think about one of my best friends since childhood this way, so i force myself not to.
forgetting about my previous daydreams, i follow the rest of them into the house, taking in the joy of being at the cabin again.
˚୨୧⋆。˚ ⋆ ˚୨୧⋆。˚ ⋆ ˚୨୧⋆。˚ ⋆ ˚୨୧⋆。˚ ⋆ ˚୨୧
the house is big enough to where everyone is lucky to have their own room, and mine sits at the end of a long hallway, just past where chris and nate sleep.
i open the door and smile at the sight that matt has already placed my stuff down on the bed for me.
i internally slap myself, why am i reading into this? he just put my stuff down in my room. nothing else about it.
i take my duffel off the bed and seat it on the floor beside me and replace it with myself on its cushioning. i hear a knock at my door,
“come in!”
thinking i’m going to be met with matt in my doorframe, i look up, and i am only about half right.
“we’re gonna start cooking dinner now since it’s getting pretty late and we’re all starving, wanna help?” chris asks, poking his head between the a small sliver in the door.
i can’t help but giggle at his actions, “yes, i’ll help you, but next time you knock just open the door all the way, don’t be creepy,” i kick my feet up and yank the door open,
“i’m not creepy i’m polite!” he argues, voice fading as he descends to the kitchen,
“never said that!” i joke, my footsteps quickly follow behind him.
i join the rest of my friends in the kitchen, and start slicing vegetables, while chris and madi go on their own dinner tasks.
getting way too caught up in a conversation with nick, my knife skills began to be… less than subpar.
“FUCK!” i yell and instinctively drop the knife, the sound of the blade echoing through the room and blood from a large cut in my hand leaking everywhere on the counter causes all hell to break loose.
“oh my god! do we need to go to the ER?!”
“get a towel, NOW!”
“i’m fine, i’m fine!” i yell, doing my best to stop the panic from everyone else, the pressure from the towel stopping the blood flow for now.
“we need to get that cleaned, the first aid kit is in my room, come on,” matt says, taking my unadulterated hand into his and guiding me upstairs into his bedroom.
“sit,” he points to his bed and i follow his finger and take a seat on the edge of the mattress.
he ruffles through a drawer and pulls out a large first aid kit, since when was it in his room?
“this will sting like a bitch, but it’ll stop it from getting infected,” he says, shaking a bottle of hydrogen peroxide and removing the make shift dressing i have from my hand.
i close my eyes tightly and wince at the contact of it on my skin, biting my lip through the pain.
“it’s almost over, don’t worry. i’m gonna put some ointment on it then a bandage okay?”
his words are soft and comforting, which somehow eases the pain to a lower level than before.
he applies the ointment first, and i sign blissfully at the relief it has on my wound.
“that’s it, you’re doing so well,” he adds casually, wrapping the bandage around my finger.
i can feel my cheeks grow hot at his statement, him not knowing the effect his words of praise had on me.
i internally slap myself again. why do i keep thinking about him like this? jesus christ there’s something wrong with me.
“thank you matt,”
“anytime.”
for a moment, we just stare at each other. the silence is almost suffocating, and for the first time i feel like he wants to say something but doesn’t. i wonder if he thinks the same thing about me today.
i decide to quickly break the silence, “let’s go back down and eat, yeah? i don’t know about you but i’m starving,” i lie, i’m actually not hungry at all. almost cutting my hand off had a way of perfectly curving my appetite, but it’s the only thing i can think to say to rip me out of the chokehold that this silence has on me.
“me too, c’mon” he stands up and reaches out his hand for mine.
i’ve never been more confused in my fucking life. it was one thing to catch me when i fall, bring my suitcase inside, but praise me? hold my hand twice? i don’t know if i’m just delusional or if this is part of some code matt wants me to decipher, either way, i’m at my wits end.
i take his hand to help me up, and he smiles at me and we drop our hands at the same time. i smile back and he turns away to lead us back downstairs, i make sure he’s first so that he doesn’t see my face contort into a look of embarrassment.
definitely way over thinking it.
˚୨୧⋆。˚ ⋆ ˚୨୧⋆。˚ ⋆ ˚୨୧⋆。˚ ⋆ ˚୨୧⋆。˚ ⋆ ˚୨୧
after a great dinner and a few drinks all around, everyone says their goodnights and head to their bedrooms.
i do the same, and after a few hours, despite no one else in the house being awake and a couple drinks in me, i am nowhere near the point of falling asleep.
tossing and turning is all i can manage myself to do, sweating i don’t know which; being so hot and bothered by everything matt has done earlier or the vermont heat just personally attacking me and only me tonight.
i peel off the sheets and pillows, and it provides me with some relief for a little, but does nothing to fight my consciousness. with this temperature, maybe i just need a glass of water.
i creep downstairs as quiet as i can to not wake anyone, and i do the same with opening the fridge.
i look through it for a few seconds trying to find a water bottle, when a sudden voice behind me makes me jump,
“couldn’t sleep either?”
it’s matt. what the fuck, i thought he was asleep?
“matt, you scared the shit out of me! i thought you were asleep,”
i put my hand on my chest to cure the spike in heart rate, and turn around changing my focus back to the fridge.
“looking for a water? great minds think alike,” I hear his feet shuffle close behind me, and i feel the immediate spike in heart rate come back again when he moves me over, brushing up against me with a steady grip on my waist.
“right over here,” he says? pulling out two water bottles from the fridge. i feel like i’m going to fucking explode.
“thanks,” i crack open the lid, “so what’s keeping you up this late?” i say as my best attempt at remaining as calm and cool as possible.
“eh, y’know, just thinking about things. what about you?” he asks, and we sip simultaneously.
there’s honestly two answers to this question, I could say the truth or i could just agree.
i decide to go with the significantly less risky answer, but before i can even get the first word out he starts again,
“idea, let’s go in the hot tub,” his smile is so fucking innocent when he says it, it just drives me nuts.
i don’t even bother bringing up how ‘the heat is bothering me’ when he’s standing there, asking—no, not even asking me to go to the hot tub with him; telling me.
“oh yeah i’m down. maybe the heat will help us get sleepy,” i lie through my teeth, but saying it as nonchalantly as possible so he hopefully can’t hear the nervousness in the undertones of my voice.
“perfect, i’ll go change real quick and meet you out there,” he slips away with a light jog and i head his door close before i can even actually process what’s going on.
unfortunately there’s no time to think too deeply about it, and i book it to my room to change.
i have a couple options that i need to decide through quickly, ultimately landing on a dark blue stringed two piece.
i throw on the tshirt i had while sleeping over my bikini and quietly jog to the hot tub, located on the back end of the property, in its own reserved area. matt is already in there waiting for me, arms spread and his eyes lock with mine right when i come outside.
“hey,”
“hi, how’s the tem-“
“are you just going to stand there and talk or are you going to come in?” his words leave me slightly dumbfounded, but i can bounce back from this.
“oh, i’m coming,” i say, beginning to peel off the shirt I have on. i walk to the edge and begin to lower myself in, matt’s eyes locked on my body the whole time.
i pretend not to notice.
“thank you,” i say to him, a confused look popping on his face.
“for what?”
“taking care of me today, you didn’t have to do anything you did at all,” the words somehow just flow out of my mouth without realizing and i watch him as he lets out a light hearted laugh and looks down,
“you already thanked me today before, but no problem, i wanted to,” he replied, turning his gaze to match mine, i swear i feel like his eyes can see into my soul when he looks at me now.
“you did? why?” i ask out of genuine curiosity. it’s not like he would have never done something for me before today, but it was different; it was how he did. whether it has to do with me specifically or not, i really want to know.
“you’re my favorite girl in this world, how could i just not take care of you?” i don’t notice that we’ve slowly been moving towards each other this entire conversation, and now our bodies are just a few inches apart.
“this whole time i was thinking you were just being nice— matt, you don’t know what you do to me,” i confess, my stare going back and forth between both his eyes, aching for any hint at what he could be thinking.
“god, speak for yourself, it’s almost impossible to stop how i feel about you; or hide it” he pushing the hair in front of my face behind my ear and pulls me closer to him by the back of my neck.
the feeling i had when he caught me today, cleaned my hand and praised me, brushed up against me, all comes rushing back to me instantly, blissful in the knowing that it’s justified.
“can i kiss you?”
this man could not get any more perfect.
“mhm,” i give out and nod in affirmation, and immediately feel his lips press against mine.
at first the kiss is slow and deep, his hands not being able to sit still against my skin.
i feel the heat between legs rise, and i shortly become impatient with the painfully slow pace he’s at. as much as i love it, i’m craving more; more of him.
i gently bite and suck on his bottom lip, earning a groan from him, and he instantly gets the message. his kisses become sloppier, less tamed, and they start to work their way down my neck.
i moan in pleasure as he sucks the sweet spot between my neck and my collarbone, holding my back and nipping as he makes his way up to hungrily claim my lips.
“can i take this off?” he waits for my consent, fiddling with the small strings that are holding my bathing suit together.
“do whatever you want to me,” i breathe out, and i mean it.
he pulls me in by my waist and kisses me again, our tongues battling as he unties the strings of my bikini top and removes the fabric between us without breaking a single kiss.
the cold air on my tits compared to the steaming hot tub causes me to gasp, and i pull even closer to matt, pressing my chest against his own.
he moans lightly and moves his mouth from mine, holding me up by the legs around his lips to carry me to the edge of the hot tub.
in no time he claims my nipple, sucking and licking hard on the area, making me grow even wetter by the minute.
“mmh, matt” i moan out, tipping my head back in pleasure.
“feels good, baby?” i nod vigorously, and he descends his kisses down me stopping when he gets in between my legs to my clothed core.
his thumb circles my clit, and i have to bite my lip in order to not scream his name immediately.
“you’re so wet already, i love it. can i taste you baby?” he purrs, knowing exactly what kind of answer he’s getting, well aware of the state he put me in.
“y-yes, god, please do,” i beg him, and he works immediately to untie the strings of my bottoms and let them fall off, exposing myself to him.
the steam from the hot tub does not do me any favors in the burning heat in my core, both from that and the sheer fact i want him to fuck me senseless right now.
“mmm” matt begins,
“i knew your pussy would be pretty, just look at how beautiful you are,” he rubs his fingers between my wet folds and i blush at his words.
“i’m gonna show you how beautiful you are,” he says, right before pushing my legs further apart for him to suck my clit.
i can’t help myself from grabbing a handful of his brown locks and squeezing my legs together against his head, and he groans in response.
his groan sends vibrations further into my pussy, making it even more impossible to suffocate the loud moans escaping from my lips.
he goes to work making out with my core, and each suck, kiss, and moan makes me exponentially closer to exploding all over him.
“m-matt i feel it i’m-“ and he stops, i shoot him a confused look, attempting to get rid of the edge that’s holding me right now.
i rub my own clit, looking him in the eye and watch his breath hitch as i moan at my own self pleasure.
i almost manage to stick two fingers in myself, but before that happens he grabs my wrists, taking the pleasure from me yet again.
“i stopped because i want you to cum on my dick, can you do that for me?” he questions softly, rubbing his clothed erection on my pussy.
the feeling of it makes me buzz, “yes i can matt, fuck me,” i say in a mix of demanding and asking, and he removes himself from his black swim trunks and lets his throbbing dick spring out.
he pumps himself a few times before aligning up with my entrance. matt pushes himself in, lewd noises escaping from both of our mouths and bodies slapping against one another.
“yeah, take that shit baby. you’re doing so well.” he moans into my ear, his repeated statement of praise is music to me.
“you’re so beautiful, how can anyone be so perfect,” he breathes out, hard deep strokes becoming sloppier by the minute.
matt’s words cause me to hit dangerously close to cumming, and without warning i paint white all over his dick; but that doesn’t stop him”
“sorry i d-didn’t say it happened s-so fast,” i apologize as he keeps thrusting into me,
“mm don’t be sorry, you did just what i asked. i’m gonna cum too angel,”
“cum in me, matt”
he wastes no time arguing with me and releases shortly after into me; his and my own liquids leaking down my thigh.
i do my best to catch my breath, and he cups my face and presses a sweet kiss on my nose,
“i made a mess outta, you huh,” he laughs playfully, also trying to regain his own air.
i let out a tired laugh of my own “yeah, i’m gonna have to shower and go to bed; after all that, im surprisingly ready to sleep,” i tease and poke his chest, he drops his jaw pretending to be offended.
“yeah yeah, surprisingly, whatever. can i join you in that shower?” he suggests, handing me a towel before covering himself with one too.
“hm, only if you join me in my bed after,” i smile, wrapping my body in the soft material,
“deal,” he whispers, kissing my head, carrying me all the way to his bathroom, before grabbing my things and putting them on his bed.
except this time, it’s our bed.
#matt sturniolo#matt sturniolo fanfic#matt sturniolo fluff#matt sturniolo x reader#matthew sturniolo#matthew sturniolo x reader#chris sturniolo x reader#chris sturniolo#christopher sturniolo#nick sturniolo#nicolas sturniolo#sturniolo fanfic#sturniolo smut#sturniolo triplets#sturniolo x reader#the sturniolo triplets#sturniolos#sturniolo#sturniolo x you#chris sturniolo fanfic#sturniolo fandom#chris sturniolo smut#matt sturniolo smut#matt sturniolo x you
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"I don't like your stupid, white hair."
"And I don't like your boring, brown hair, buddy."
"W-well... well, I don't like your ugly, doo-doo face!"
"Your mama does."
The two could go bickering like this for hours on end if you let them. What may seem to be a mutually digressive arrangement is actually an oddly adorable bonding in disguise. Satoru and your son put on a front of being annoyed at the other's presence, but you've never seen them apart for longer than a few minutes at a time. They've grown on each other; much like how moss grows on a statue that's been lingering out in the open. An indispensable cycle of life that's truly inevitable.
"No, she doesn't! She doesn't! She likes... sof- sofis... sofistogated guys."
"You mean sophisticated?"
"Shut up!"
You'd been terrified that your little one wouldn't have a father-figure to rely on anymore after you divorced your husband. However, it was something you had to do for his sake. The child deserved to live in an environment that wasn't always reeking of alcohol, where he wasn't subjected to the constant, drunk yelling of a pathetic excuse of a father who couldn't get his shit together and lazed around at home all day while you did all the work. If that meant that you'd have to raise him on his own, then so be it. At least he'd be raised properly. Signing those papers was, by far, the easiest decision you'd ever made.
"I'm not shutting up because a kid in clothes too big for him is telling me to."
"You... you're the one always wearing tight clothes around the house to impress my mama."
"No, that's because I'm ripped. Gotta show off what I've got. And your mama loves that."
"Oh, yeah? That means you show off your... your - um... ugly, doo-doo face!"
Would you regard it a miracle that Satoru just so happened to stumble into your life around that very time? Well, relatively. Meeting him wasn't something you'd planned, nor anticipated. The kind stranger who offered to pay for your order at a café a year ago has somehow, thanks to quite a romantic sequence of events, turned into your boyfriend; a rock to lean on for when you need the support. And, also, someone that your little one can look up to (with the fun, bonus benefit of the pair getting into silly, childish quarrels nine times out of ten). What is Satoru if not a three-hundred-and-thirty-six-month-old toddler, too? Puts your five-year-old to utter shame with the way he acts.
"Enough. Baby, we've been over this before. Behave."
"But, mama, he's being a meanie!" "But, babe, he's acting all pretentious."
The responses come simultaneously: one is high pitched and whiny, and the other is your son. Sometimes, you have to pause and ask yourself how you haven't gone insane yet. It's the love that keeps you from falling apart. How could you ever harbor any other feeling for these two, except for wanting to cherish them? You just... need to work on a pet name that doesn't apply to the both of them at once.
"I don't want to hear it. Sweetie, finish your lunch. And, Satoru?"
"Yes, honey-who-loves-me-and-my-'ugly, doo-doo'-face?" He's smirking, snickering, while saying this, the sly bastard. When will the pair ever relent on trying to one-up the other?
"Why have you got one of my hair ties on your wris- never mind. Don't forget to change the sheets in our room. I'd do it myself if not for the meeting I need to get to in an hour."
"Yes, ma'am."
Cue a tiny gasp.
"But, mama..." The voice of your little one breaks the peaceful silence at the dining table once again. His legs start kicking back and forth - a sign that he's growing restless - from the chair they're dangling off of. He's got a protest already forming up in that head of his. "Toru said he'd take me to the skate park today. And he promised to get ice cream after."
Toru, huh? That's new. You can't help the smile that paints itself on your lips. The two have been getting along pretty well, it seems, contrary to all the bickering they do. That's always nice to know. It's amusing to see the dynamic they've built. One second, they're riling each other up to no end, the next, they've already formed a secret alliance to go out and have fun together. How cute. "Is that so?"
"Mhm! So that means we need to leave riiight after I finish my lunch. Don't get mad, okay?"
It's the small things like these that warm your heart. Some sacrifices can be made if it's in regards to this adorable (step, even though you haven't married Satoru yet)father-son moment. The sheets are insignificant right now. "Awwh. Of course I won't get mad, baby. It's good for you to want to spend more time with Satoru. Isn't he a fun guy?"
"... maybe."
. . .
"Just make sure he's safe out there. Helmet and gear on at all times, no big ramps. And don't let him eat too much sugar. He'll get hyper. Once the rush dies down, he'll get cranky -"
Satoru's arm wraps around your waist before you can finish your sentence, pulling you overwhelmingly close to his frame. Instinctively, your arms move to wrap around his neck, just the way Satoru likes it. Oh, how he wants to just throw everything else out the window and drag you to the nearest room with a lock in place.
"You -" A quick peck to your lips, followed by a nibble on your bottom lip. "- worry -" Another peck. "- too -" Another. "- much." Then, an unexpected bite on the shell of your right ear. "I'd never allow myself to let that little demon get hurt; or hyper."
Large hands wander across the curve of your back, resting firm on your butt. Satoru doesn't want to expose your son to the way he's squeezing your plush flesh with his long digits, so he shifts to have your back pressed against the wall. A perfect opportunity to kiss you - which the man can't help but seize. What else is a smitten boyfriend to do while waiting for your son to get ready and come down from his room upstairs? Lips against lips until one of you pulls away for air. "He's safe with me, okay?"
"Okay."
"Atta girl. Now, you go to that meeting of yours. And, tonight, after we both get back- oww."
"Groooss! Don't kiss my mama, or you'll make her ugly! Like youuu!"
"Baby, no. Don't kick Satoru's ankles-"
"I'm saving you, mama."
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
#jujutsu kaisen#jujutsu gojo#jujustsu kaisen x reader#fluff#gojo satoru#satoru gojo x reader#jjk satoru
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