#I felt so cold it's summer now
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"I felt so cold, it's summer now." [01.06.2024.]
"Kakva ti je bila zima?" - naizgled bezopasno pitanje koje mi je juče postavila konobarica Grkinja. Ispostavilo se da me se seća od prošle godine, ali ja sam se na tren zaledila od pogleda u te oči boje mora ujutru, nisam mogla da progovorim. Kakva mi je bila zima? Nikad duža i nikad hladnija, iako se ne sećam da je nešto padao sneg. Ružan san koji želim što pre da zaboravim. Druga realnost u koju ne planiram da s(e)vraćam. Još malo smo ćaskale, rekla je da kada si rođen i odrastaš u malom primorskom mestu, prirodno si opušten, veseo. Nema gužvi, buke, ubrzanog života i stresa velikog grada. Ponovo se pitam kako da spakujem deo morske sebe i vratim je sa sobom u Beograd.
Jutros na plaži gledam ljude dok plivaju, razmišljam koliko sa ove distance izgledaju minijaturno, poput gomile mravića u barici. Hvatam ih između noktiju, time se zanimam nekoliko minuta. Čega imam da se plašim? Vidi ih. Vidi nas. Mravići.
Flešbek, pre devet godina, kad sam prvi put posetila Krf i uradila privremenu tetovažu pera i grčke reči za slobodu ispisanu ispod. To leto sam prvi put bila srećno zaljubljena i ne samo u nekog drugog, već i u sebe, u život, u celi svet. Pitam se kako i zašto sam zaboravila, zakopala tu Katarinu. A znam, u sebi znam zašto i isto tako znam da nisam. Ne zaista. Nikad zaista, nikad skroz.
I kasnije taj trenutak mira neminovno odlazi, tuširam se, istovremeno ispiram so sa tela, dok mi lice postaje sve slanije. Pokušavam da dišem, da prihvatim taj rolerkoster emocija, ovo si ti, kažem sebi, to je okej. Okej, okej, okej. Okej si. Budi ovde, sada. Sutra budi u sutra.
Zaključila sam nešto, posle te zime. (Ja uvek moram da zaključim nešto.) Zaključila sam da je oproštaj najteži kad se radi o nama samima i da je to kontinuirani proces. Ne može to samo kao eto oprostio si sebi. To činiš svaki dan iznova i trudiš se da ti ne pada teško jer - stoici bi rekli - to je tvoja dužnost, a ako ti je to dužnost, onda nema smisla žaliti se da ti je teška. I ne može, ne sme ostati na rečima. Oprašta se sebi delima, tako što sebi dokazuješ da nisi ona od pre, koja te je povredila. Ali, lagala bih kada bih rekla da nije jebeno teško.
Pomeram zavesu tuš kabine i umotavam se u peškir. Brišem zamagljeno ogledalo, osmehujem se sebi. Mravići, sećaš se?
#I felt so cold it's summer now#Dnevnik#Pisanje#Tekst#tekstovi#balkan tekst#Lično#Beloggradacrnaprinceza
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Lol I keep on doing this, saying I'd come back to tumblr to only disappear again 😂😭
#and i hate it bc i miss being on here#but also i don't have to force myself or feel guilty for it#bc if i'm fr being on social media is just so time consuming and also not what is good for my mental health often#and that includes tumblr#it's not even that it's a toxic place (at least not the content i'm consuming) but sometimes i just rather spend my time with people irl#meeting someone than on social media and like focus on my life#the last month or so was just really difficult for me and i haven't been feeling so bad mentally in forever#i mean it always is like that that time of the year but i feel like i was worse this year#whenever autumn comes around with the darkness and cold i seem to hit a low mentally#when i tell you how much better my mood is in summer spring how much better i feel everyday regardless of everything else#i get people like autumn but for me its literally the worst and winter too altough at some point it gets better#maybe i adapt and maybe because i spend more time outside around christmas when i go home that's usually a turning point#and ig also the lights of december make it a bit better#but mid october to november is awful#this year the weather was much worse beginning of october was much worse#i feel like i lowkey have this seasonal mood disorder idk#but i barely managed to go to classes and i had no motivation#usually i always make myself study and do the things i have to atleast altough i often terribly procrastinate#but now i was barely able to do this and i had things to do but i couldn't make myself i missed a deadline closely#luckily my professors are the best but i felt so horrible for it how i was unable to get it done#sunlight is just so good for my mood and ik how doctors say how you should avoid it because you can get skincancer#but like i'd rather than my mental health being this bad (not that i want either)#i already miss summer so much and being happier#but tbh i haven't felt this good as I do today in weeks and even this whole week was better#i exercised more than usual altough i tried to in the last weeks i couldn't as often as i normally do so maybe this actually helps a lot#and i studied yesterday today and i will tomorrow i finally feel motivation again#besides i also tried to break up with my bf so that was also tough but i couldn't lol#i tried talking to him and tell him in the nicest way but he didn't get what i was trying to do and i couldn't say more bc i felt horrible#but maybe that's for the better altough i had these thoughts for a while that he just isn't the one for me and that we're too different...#i do really like him as a person the way he treats me and i'm still into him but i just felt like it wouldn't work
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its not even cold enough yet out to turn on the heater for long, like, by the time the suns out and im waking up its boiling inside of the house, but night time its freezing. so i keep having to switch back and forth between heat and a/c, its drivin me bonkers
#im chilly rn. honestly if it were my place id just keep the thing off most of the time right now. even if it gets cold at night. bc#the house holds onto heat.#but my dad refuses to let me touch the thermostat and change it to how i need or like. so its just blghhhghfg#TBH also in the summer if it were my place id keep it cold as hell. like if ur cold just bring a jacket im keepin that shit cold#i overheat so easy constantly and i get cold easy. but id rather be cold.#the last hosue had no a/c im never living like that again if i can help it#i felt like i was having a heart attack every single day and was drenched every day and couldnt have energy to be happy enjoy myself or eve#breathe at all. it sucked so bad. hate that house. hate it so much. LOATHE that house.
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#sometimes i find the degree to which i cannot concentrate very alarming#like bro i canno read. i have so much to do but i wanna sleep forever#i just have to get up and go somewhere else. normally id go transfer algae or run but im stuck inside and .y fingers r all cold#usually its just in the morning that I get thr high distress so its prob the meds#but yesterday was kinda fucked. ugh.i just need to run around but i cant#i have such a sinister combo of: brain stops me from being able to b productive and if im not productive i am compelled to do horrible#things. mood issues and 0cd is horrible. horrible feedback loop#i just wish i could breathe. itll b fine. eventually itll b summer again and itll b fine#its like someone's squeezing my throat. like im sick but i kno its just that im anxious#i was doing so well the past few days in terms of reading and productivity despite the distress#and im trying to b kind and roll with the punches but its so hard#like i kno i need to relax and not resist bc resistance makes it worse but it's just hard and im worried this is how itll always b#i wish i could go back on lamicta1. i felt way better on low dose of that then i do on low dose of abi1ify. its so hard to stay on this#just bc of how my head works. and like things were complicated with the lamicta1. maybe i wouldnt habe had a reaction if i didnt get a#tatto0 while upping the dose but now im marked as allergic so i prob wont b allowed to try any of thr anti convulsive type antidepressants#ugh. i hate this. its so frustrating#unrelated
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atkh soon come??
Ahhh thank you for sending me this ask I was low key kind of thinking maybe no one would notice if the update was suuupppper late (and by that I mean hopefully tomorrow).
The original plan had been to finish up the chapter yesterday. BUT THEN I managed to give myself a mild case of heatstroke / sun poisoning at the barn yesterday (yay summer) and basically spent most of the day laying on my cold tile floor with my work laptop wishing I was anywhere else. I went to bed at 6:30pm that's how bad it was. And then so today I was playing catch up on all the work stuff I didn't really do yesterday because I was laying on the cold floor wishing I had remembered to drink Gatorade. Which means I have not even looked at the chapter since earlier in the week and it is in fact not finished 😞 BUT I'm actually finally starting to actually feel better (yay!) and the plan is to finish it tomorrow - hopefully before the Oilers / Panthers game. I'm so sorry for the delay, and thank you so much for checking in about the update. I'm so grateful that you're enjoying ATKH and hope you continue to do so. I hope your Friday is going better than mine and that you have a wonderful weekend!!
❤️Ally
#allylikethecat#ask ally#anon ask#keep it kind#fanfiction#matty fic#gatty#fanfic#all the king's horses#equestrian au#atkh#im so sorry for the delay#i should have posted something#but if im being perfectly honest my head has still been a little foggy#it went from like regular wow its hot#to record breaking hot#really really fast and i did not prepare or adjust properly#it wasnt just me though one of my barn besties also got really fucked up by the heat yesterday#she was texting me this morning and was like “i am unwell” and i was like same#Pop is fine though he is living his absolute best life#he has his own personal fan and a mister and is now only getting turned out at night#and the grooms pull him out and hose him off with cold water twice a day#and he gets plenty of electrolytes and he's a good drinker#idk how my trainer manages but their autowaterers are still cold in the summer#lol sometimes on the really hot days they'll freeze gatorade in like donut pans or bundt pans#and hang it for them to lick#he loves when he gets to have a pony popsicle#i was so unwell yesterday though omg#it was bad#i cant remember the last time i felt so miserable
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can't believe all my roommate's friends were so actively working against me when it came to who gets the big room with the balcony attached to it and in the end she actually got it....
#we agreed to make it fair by drawing lots for it#but i ended up suggesting to use the spinning wheel generator so that it's really up to luck#and i can't believe i shot myself in my own foot with this bc she actually got the big room#even though in the beginning of the year i asked if i could have it when the other roommate moves out#(we knew for a while that she'd move out in summer)#but then my roommate asked if we could draw lots maybe and i said yes bc i didn't wanna be an asshole 😭#but now she actually got the big room and now i kinda regret not putting my foot down and claiming it#bc on my side everyone told me i could just say that i've been in the flatshare the longest and therefore i could claim the room#but idk i wanted to be nice and look where it got me#it's not the end of the world bc my current room is still nice it's just the smallest#but i'm really complaining abt nothing ig#at least i'm saving money on rent 😅#but the big room would have been saur nice tbh....#and the fact that my windows still fave the balcony and now the roommate who constantly invites friends over has the balcony .........#you see where i'm getting at 😵💫#let's hope i'll get some good sleep the next few week before it's too cold to be on the balcony CJSJCHS#but yeah with her friends working against me i also mean that a lot of them smoke so apparently they told her that she should get the room#bc she smokes and has friends that smoke as if i am not worthy of a balcony bc i don't smoke like 🫠#idk i felt like i was the only nice on in the scenario who was willing to play fair even though i didn't have to and her friends were still#lowkey pissing on my leg behind my back yk#she was nice about it but her friends get the side eye from me abt the whole thing 😶#sorry for the rant#delete later#000
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I was tagged by the lovely @thesadboisguidetolife to give this a go.
Rules: bold & color the ones that are true and tag whoever you want to do it too!
APPEARANCE:
i'm over 5'8” // i wear glasses/contacts // i have blonde hair // i prefer loose clothing to tight clothing // i have one or more piercings // i have at least one tattoo // i have blue eyes // i have dyed or highlighted my hair // i have gotten plastic surgery // i have or had braces // i sunburn easily // i have freckles // i paint my nails // i typically wear make-up // i don't often smile // i am pleased with how i look // i prefer nike to adidas // i wear baseball hats backwards
HOBBIES & TALENTS:
i play a sport (or used to) // i can play an instrument // i am artistic // i know more than one language // i have won a trophy in some sort of competition // i can do a handstand
RELATIONSHIPS:
i have been single for over a year// i have a crush // i have a best friend i have known for ten years // my parents are together // i have dated my best friend // i am adopted // my crush has confessed to me // i have a long distance relationship // i am an only child // i give advice to my friends // i have made an online friend // i met up with someone i have met online
AESTHETICS:
i have heard the ocean in a conch shell // i have watched the sun rise // i enjoy rainy days // i have slept under the stars // i meditate outside // the sound of chirping calms me // i enjoy the smell of the beach // i know what snow tastes like // i listen to music to fall asleep // i enjoy thunderstorms // i enjoy cloud watching // i have attended a bonfire // i pay close attention to colors // i find mystery in the ocean // i enjoy hiking on nature paths // autumn is my favorite season
MISCELLANEOUS:
i can fall asleep in a moving vehicle// i am the mom friend // i live by a certain quote // i like the smell of sharpies //i am involved in extracurricular activities // i enjoy mexican food // i can drive a stick-shift // i believe in true love // i make up scenarios to fall asleep // i sing in the shower // i wish i lived in a video game // i have a canopy above my bed // i am multiracial // i am a redhead // i own at least three dogs
i'll edit this post soon to tag others (trying to shift my hyperfocus to, like, maybe i should cook and eat), but here ya go.
#so so many footnotes and endnotes on questions (wherever i felt vague about answers) that i fried this whole post the first time i tried#i usually like my pants loose and my shirts tight but i have a couple pairs of pants that break this rule because i look hot in them#as long as the pants dont feel like socks climbing my legs we're good#i have an earcuff that looks like a piercing#i'd like to get my ears pierced but i'm a bleeder. next time i'm on blood products i'll get my ears pierced#since i don't have piercings or tattoos i've gotten really into other jewelry#why are blue eyes singled out here?#my eyes are complicated: i guess dark blue-grey fading into a ochre/hazel corona (like the sun's corona) towards the pupil#haven't dyed my hair lately#my hair used to cycle orange red magenta purple blue (back and forth between colors listed next to one another) then black then start again#pink most recently purple will be next but i need a haircut#i wear eyeliner when Going Out (but right now i can't find the pencils i like - black and silver are my colors)#i took latin french italian and spanish but wouldn't claim proficiency in any of them. i'd like to learn spanish and italian#BEST FRIEND IS A TIER and many of those occupying that tier i have known for over ten years#why was autumn singled out? i have thougnts about the seasons#i prefer darkness but have really aggresive SAD#i take being cold very personally like how dare i ever be even slightly cold?#i am also blessed with AC#summer is my favorite season#extracurricular activities are high school and college and i'm past that#why was mexican singled out (and mexican - like many cuisines - has a lot of regional differences)? but: yes i like mexican food#the videogame i allude to is stardew valley#i'm bad at videogames mostly (things requiring exact timing and pushing particular combinations of buttons are where i fail)#(making a jump or aiming a particular attack at a crucial time)#me
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*walks around the house feeling like everything’s an inch to the left of where it should be* *jumps around trying to make it go away* *drinks a glass of water thinking that’ll fix it* *cannot figure out for the life of me what i’m forgetting* *or why sitting at my desk is suddenly too hard* *i’m not hyper either-*
I FORGOT MY HOODIE--
#I WAS SITTING THERE IN THE COLD#IN A SUMMER SHIRT#OF THE LAWN VARIETY#NO WONDER EVERYTHING FELT WEIRD#well now i guess i'll just feel weird for the rest of the evening so time to go do uni work :>
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room too cold but if I turn on the heater it's going to get so warm I'll feel sick. a dilemma
#misc.txt#cannot believe I'm saying this after years and years and years of preferring cold cloudy weather but I need it to be summer right now#I need. at least mildly warm weather pls I am begging you. it is so fucking cold all the time esp at night and the mountains are STILL#covered in snow and it js April. had a sunny day today and felt like I was thawing out after being encased in an ice cube I am going insane#like I don't want it to be hot don't get me wrong 85F and up can go fuck itself. something above 40 would be nice is all I'm saying
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One of my family members wanted me to look at how much snow there is on the mountains we live near, since we're on the outskirts, and there's so much. I've never seen that much snow there before, it's freezing outside. It's beautiful, everything was so beautiful, I've never been this happy in a long time. Everything outside is perfect, it's giving me a feeling I can't describe. I love cold weather so much, it always makes me happy.
#It felt so nice. It's so nice to have cold weather again and I prefer it over any other type of weather except for gloomy or stormy weather.#Winter is way better than Summer at least to me. I can't even express how I feel right now.#I think I heard some birds out there as well. Who knew weather conditions and a season like this could make me feel this way?
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its very nice out today, it isnt hot, but it is sunny and a little breezy very pleasant. like a very late summer or early fall day. a bit early in the year for it i think but i suppose it is going to be fall in just one month.. its supposed to get hot again in a couple days i think though
#i like the weather otday but i also like when its really really hot and humid#bc i just like that. and also bc it makes it comfortable to take cold showers#and i dont have an option in the temperature of my showers. Guy who ddoesnt have a water heater#well we do but its broken#im making this post right now to procrastinate getting in the shower bc its going to be uncomfrotable#but i should be grateful it IS still summer so its not COLD cold outside#the cold showers start to get uncomfortable this tiime of year but theyre not really painful until its actually winter#so i have.. some time.. before then#i hate winter so goddamn bad#well i dont i feel bad saying that. i think its pretty and beautiful and i love all of earths seasons#but i hate being cold#it would not be so bad if my house didnt basically stay the same temperature it is outside. plus the water heater thing#last winter i thought i was gonna get brain damage#bc id get the most horrible brain freeze like literally one of the most intense pains ive ever felt i think#when i tried washing my hair in the shower#so i wash it in the sink in winter instead.. bc the cold water doesnt go as directly onto my scalp. it is less painful. but it also makes m#hair feel less clean.#also my skin gets so bad and dry and flaky in winter bc its SO GODDAMN COLD and i get allergies#osorry for being The complainer right now. its not that bad. i am just really not excited for winter#last one was just so bad. Purely in a like. Surviving the weather standpoint. But i did survive clearly so itll be okay
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the connor room glowup (above is my washington room below is my now room ^_^)
#you cn barely see them in the bottom right pic but theres miku and my clownnpy#clownboy. miku i got in wa#idk if u can see her in the top row pics.. im blind.#the little bed was very cozy. like probably bad for my back and stuff but i felr very safe behind the doors#also most of the shelves in my now room is Not my stuff LOL like the wall shelves#i have a couple of things on them on the bit closest to mybed#but since this is the gaeage it was storage. and the front half of the garage still is#but ya. im so happy 2 be living here now the only issue is how fuckass hot it is#i couldnt stay in wa for obvious reasons but also i actually wouldve died in the summer it was WAYYY worse.#luckily for likee over half the summer i was still living in the avtual house. and even then i was rly overheating esp bc thats when i stil#had medication and stuff#but the garage was unbearableee the first monthish. luckily i was in too much of an episode to avtually care much LOL#and luckily my heaters pretty efficient (i bought it last year) so winter wasnt the worst it was judt a bit cold whenever i got home bc my#roommates didnt like me to have it on which is fair#but ya. so it was cold for the first hour i was home but i would just cuddle up and otd get warmer eventually#ummm SO yeah#and here its nice bc if the heat truly gets unbearable im allowed to go inside the house. and it only sometimes feels like everybodys going#to kill me. as opposed to wa where it always always always felt like they were gokng to kill me or evict me or starve me or mock me#or call me a child or but lets not get into it ok.#also u may not notice but the blanket is a different blanket#these blankets r the ones our parents got me and lamp when i was like 12#but i got slime on mine nad switchednit with lamps and they Knew and have been mad abt it 4 ages#esp bc now their blanket has lumps in the corners#BUT the other day i switchied with them bc i felt guilty for the sins of 13 year old me. and their blanket has been washed with black sheets#so its darker. but u mag notice the lumpy corners#also i set up my bed up judt like this the past couple of weeks i havent been able to sleep like this#i usually have to curl up horizontal at the top of the bed
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Single Dad!Simon who vowed to never trust another woman again after his failed past. He was locked up with the key thrown away, permanently off of the market.
At least that’s what he’d told himself for years. Now, he was beginning to have cold feet.
Simon needed a nanny, one that he could trust completely. He didn’t play about his child, and he’d be damned if he got set up with someone of ill intentions.
But, he was desperate.
Price needed him back periodically, even after his retirement, and he agreed. After all, money was tight when he parented on his own with a growing child.
That was when you came in. Soap had been a pal and recommended an old family friend, somebody he knew Simon could trust with his kid. Simon was skeptical, of course, but Soap had never done him wrong. Reluctantly, he agreed.
Simon wanted to have a trial period to see if you were truly built for the task. He wouldn’t let you off easily. His child was his world, and women weren’t exactly in his deck of cards when it came to trust.
You were as sweet as honey upon the first meeting with a smile that could outdo the sun. Your voice was soft as rain, flowing out of you like a summer song. You spoke to him with the upmost respect, and even more so with his child.
Simon knew he could trust Soap in guaranteeing somebody safe. You were the perfect candidate. He just didn’t know it would lead into him feeling emotions he’d buried a long, long time ago.
Attraction. Interest. A crush, dare he say, like he was a stupid high school kid that just saw the prettiest girl in class and fell head over heels.
He had a silly crush on his child’s nanny when he fully intended to keep it short and professional. That was the way he operated. He was like a working machine, and you had undone his mechanics so easily to the point he struggled to function.
Seeing you with his child only caused his attraction to fester deeper. His child became attached to your hip, smiling more than they had ever done, rambling nonsense to him every time he returned home and you left to go to yours.
It was becoming hard to deny it. You opened an old wound of Simon’s, awakening that deep and dreadful loneliness he felt every passing day. Every smile, every laugh, every Mr. Riley even though you were close in age, all of it had him on the edge of his seat.
He wanted more. He was tired of denying himself happiness. The idea of pushing away every woman was still very vivid in his mind, but denying you just seemed criminal the more time passed.
“I never got to thank you for allowing me in to your home, Mr. Riley,” you told him one day, ever so sweet.
“Thought I told you to call me Simon,” he grunted, avoiding your eyes as the two of you stood in the doorway.
“Right. Simon,” you corrected with a radiant smile. “You have quite the kid, I’ll tell you that. I always look forward to coming over. It makes my day seeing the two of you.”
Simon could feel his heart pattering against his ribcage. His hands were sweaty, and he prayed you didn’t notice him swipe them along his jeans.
“Both of us?” he hummed.
“Of course. You’re just as exciting to see, too, Mr. Ri- Simon.”
Simon’s lips quirked up the slightest bit, but his heart was in his ass. For the first time in a long time, a woman was making him shy and nervous, and it didn’t feel as bad as it did before.
“You’re always free to come over for dinner,” he offered.
“That sounds great, I’d love to have dinner with the two of you!” you exclaimed, beaming.
He didn’t understand how you could be so bright yet so oblivious at the same time.
Simon cleared his throat, shifting uncomfortably on the balls of his feet. “I meant, the two of us.”
You stared at him like he’d grown two heads, and he nearly slammed the door in your face from the sheer anxiety that spiked in him. He couldn’t read your mind or what you were feeling, and Simon wished he had never said anything to begin with.
“That sounds wonderful,” you said instead. Now it was Simon’s turn to stare at you crazy. “I’d love that.”
Simon realized he was staring too long, so he cleared his throat once again, giving you a brief nod and looking away. “Alright. I’ll text you a day and have Soap pick up the little monster for the night.”
When you agreed and left with the smile that made his heart ache, he didn’t waste a second in texting Soap, telling him he’d be on nanny duty for one night that week.
Soap was quick to agree, but not without a little “You’re welcome ;)” text back.
#call of duty#cod#cod x reader#simon ghost riley#simon riley x reader#simon riley#ghost cod#ghost drabble#ghost simon riley#cod ghost#ghost x reader#ghost#simon ‘ghost’ riley x reader#simon ghost riley x reader#simon ghost x reader#simon riley x you
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#death cw#cancer cw#dying grandmother cw#so from the tags you probably already know what this little rant/diary entry is about#so my nans cancer returned this summer after many years and it quickly got worse#so when i came back from my summer holiday i travelled up to her and spent a week with my grandparents and that was so nice (and sad ofc)#but it was like already thought that she probably wouldn’t have like a year left but rather months#and she’s gotten worse but not like she’s dying right now worse but a gradual thing since july right#and i was supposed to travel up last week but i got ill with a corona/cold/the flu kinda thing and that’s obvi an absolute no to be around#and this week she was hospitalised but i didn’t stress too much about it bc she’s been so a few times with infections etc#and then this morning my mum called and said i should get up as quickly as possible#so three hours later i was on the flight to them and like almost crying with regualr intervals and i managed to hold it together and not#break down on the train nor on the flight#and i got to the hospital and just… seeing how badly she’s doing and that she’s going to die within the next few days is just….#like we’re superclose we’ve always been superclose she’s my closest grandparent#and like these months of knowing she’s going to die soon and grieving her while she’s alive and okay has just been so weird#and i’ve been sad but also a little bit pushing away the thought that she’s dying while preparing myself#so it’s felt like unreal but a little real you know?#anyways the whole family is here and so when i got to the hospital we all sat in the room and a i cried a few tears here and there#after a while i got some alone time with her ans i just broke down#like i tried to talk but i just kept crying and not being able to control my voice and i hate that feeling so much#my nan can talk and she’s there but she doesn’t have the energy to lead the conversation#but we said we love eachother so much and she was very comforting while i had my breakdown#which btw i have a raging headache from crying so much<3 it really helps the situation i think to have a headache as well#anyways i feel bad that i didn’t say more or had anything in particular to say#but she said that’s fine and that she didn’t have a lot to say either but she loves me so much and it’s just#like i know this is grieving and being sad about death and it’s heartbreaking to see her this bad and i’ll be fine life will keep going but#her not being around is just Not Right at all#i’m just sad and i want to be comforted but i don’t want to at the same time and just i don’t know#i’m just sad and a mess idk sorry to anyone if they read all this
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Baby Blues
Summary ✩ After six months of being married, you and Cregan are still struggling to conceive, leading to you becoming insecure and slightly jealous in your marriage
Warnings ✩ Angst, jealousy, mentions of infertility and pregnancy, self doubt, insecurity, happy ending though
Notes ✩ This is based off of a request and I hope I did it justice. I did put a little twist on it just to make it a little extra angsty but enjoy!
Cregan pulled the covers back and grinned.
A little over a month had passed since your last moon blood, and now that a safe amount of time had gone by, he felt excitement fill him at the idea that you were finally with child.
The two of you had been trying ever since you got married six months ago, but it seemed that the Gods had not yet deemed you fit to be parents. It’s something that’s worried both you and Cregan, as it wasn’t like there was a lack of trying between the two of you, and the Maesters said that you both were healthy. Realistically, your belly should be swollen by now but it just hadn’t happened.
Now though, Cregan felt a sliver of hope rise in his chest. Beside him, you shifted and rolled over sleepily to see why your husband had taken the covers from you. You were cold, but once you saw what he was looking at you immediately warmed up.
“It still hasn’t come,” You realized, fighting a smile. Your heart beating a little faster as you saw the clean sheets.
“No. No it hasn’t,” Cregan, trying and failing to conceal his own grin, said. “It’s been next to two months now.”
“Which could mean nothing,” You chewed your lip, reminding him that sometimes a woman’s blood could be late. But Cregan chose to be optimistic.
“Or…”
You squealed as suddenly, your husband pulled you into his arms and peppered kisses all over your neck. Laughter filled your chambers as you tried to push him away, but Cregan held you firm, his hands gentle as they pressed against your belly. “Mayhaps my seed has finally taken.”
“Mhmm. Well, we’ll see about that,” You said cautiously, not wanting to get your hopes up until you knew for sure. More time would need to pass before you allowed yourself to truly believe, as the heartbreak of your moon blood simply being late would be devastating. You were already worried that something was wrong with your womb and the longer you went without getting pregnant, the more that worry grew.
Over the next few days, you held caution close to your chest as a way to shield yourself in case Cregan was wrong. In case this time was just false hope like all the others, but as the days went on and suddenly it became a month and two weeks without getting your moon blood, you caved.
You and Cregan couldn’t stop grinning the moment you finally revealed to the Maester what was happening. It was too early to be one hundred percent sure, but he assured you that it was a good sign and only time would tell. Despite this, Cregan insisted on celebrating the incident, claiming that there needed to be a feast held to honor the coming of a new heir. Your husband was so excited that you didn’t even have the heart to dissuade him, admittedly excited yourself.
As the Lady of the castle, you made the plans and collaborated with the Maester to send out invitations. And within two more weeks, all of the nearest houses in the North were gathered at Winterfell, happy and merry as they celebrated you and Cregan.
It was a lively feast, and definitely the most exciting event in the North for a while. Cregan had insisted on having the best ale present and the best food, as it was summer and their stores had extra to spare.
You had never seen your husband so alive; so filled with happiness and joy as he drank to his new heir. Of course, you were being moderate and only stuck to cider or water, but you didn’t mind. At least you’d be sober enough to remember this night, and the way that it filled you with such love to see everyone so happy.
To you, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted from your shoulder and the fear of disappointing Cregan and the North faded. You knew it was silly, as Cregan had reassured you many times that he’d still love you even if you couldn’t provide him with a child, but fulfilling your duty had been drilled into your head since you were born and now you could rest.
You were pregnant, hopefully, and your days of waking up and feeling like a failure were over. That night, you ate, you laughed, you toasted to your unborn babe and you held Cregan tight when later, he whispered to your non-existent baby bump.
“Helloooo thereeee. I’m…I’m your father,” He slurred while you laughed, unable to help yourself as you knew he was one hundred percent piss drunk.
“My love, I think we should be going to bed so you can sleep this off,” You told him, but Cregan waved you off and rested his head on your belly.
“Just…just a minute,” He told you, and he seemed to sober up a little as a small sigh left his lips. “I wanna…I wanna say a few words to our little wolf.”
He pressed a delicate kiss to the exposed skin and nuzzled your belly with his nose, pausing for a moment before continuing. “It took…it took a while for you to get here, didn’t it? Your mother and I…we were worried. I thought…I thought that maybe there was something wrong with me at first and that’s why you didn’t come, but I’m glad to know that me cock still works.”
“Cregan!” You were both amused and a little surprised to hear that it was him he blamed for such a wait, not you. You never realized that your husband felt responsible for not being able to conceive these past few months, and it both saddened your heart and made you feel less alone to know that he carried the same guilt on his shoulders.
“It was no one’s fault the babe took so long,” You reassured him gently, running a hand through his hair. Cregan sighed at your touch, leaning into your lap as he nodded.
“Aye. It just seems like our little wolf is stubborn is all,” He smiled.
He finished off his speech with a few more words of love to your belly, and the entire time you felt yourself smiling bigger and bigger. By the time Cregan had finished, finally stumbling into bed and grumbling about a headache, you were sure that your cheeks were going split from smiling so much. Words couldn’t describe how full your heart felt, how much you were overflowing from sheer happiness and joy. Everything you had ever dreamed of was coming true and it was all because of the little babe growing in your belly.
“Good night, my little moon,” You smiled as you placed a hand over it, almost as a way to protect them as you fell asleep. Sometime during the night, you felt Cregan’s large hand doing the same, and together your warm hands protected your little miracle.
—
The next morning, you woke up with the sun shining on your face. Yawning, you reached over to say good morning to Cregan, only to find the bed empty.
He must have gotten up early, you thought with a frown.
You thought about yesterday, about how carefree and happy your husband had been. He was so excited to know that he was getting another child, excited that little Rickon would have a younger sibling to protect. You were sad to think that he now had to focus on his duties again, but what could you do?
Duty never waits for anyone.
Trying to shake off your disappointment, you cradled your stomach and sat up in bed. After stretching and taking a small sip of water from the pitcher your maids had left you, you yawned again and threw the covers back.
Your eyes widened.
“Oh Gods. Oh no, no, no!”
You scrambled up in a panic as tiny dots of blood stained your sheets, your eyes wide and your stomach dropping to your feet. Horrified, you placed a shaking hand over your mouth as denial flooded your veins—but the proof was there plain as day.
“No. No, no, no! This can’t be happening,” You whimpered, falling to your knees as you touched the satin material.
How could this be possible? You hadn’t…you hadn’t bled for two months, and now all of a sudden your moon blood decided to show up? After everything…the feast, Cregan’s speech last night…
You shook your head as tears blurred your vision. Utter rage and devastation seemed to fill your heart as you sobbed, clutching your stomach as your whole body shook.
Both shame and embarrassment washed over you, knowing that the womb you cradled was empty. All those celebrations, all the toasts and the speeches that were given…it was for nothing.
You weren’t pregnant, and just like that you were back in the same position you were when you first arrived in Winterfell.
Scared. Heartbroken when your moon blood still came after the bedding. Terrified as the thought of being barren and unable to bare Cregan another child haunted you.
All of a sudden, those fears came running back to you and it made you want to throw up. It made you want to shout and scream, ask the Gods what they hated you so much as to allow this.
Why? Why have you all cursed me? Why won’t you let me bare my husband’s child? Am I not good enough? Am I just not meant to be a mother?
No, no. It couldn’t be true. Despite what the Gods thought, you refused to believe it. You didn’t want to believe it, not willing to accept that you had let Cregan down, again.
Gods, and he had been so excited to be a father again. You knew that he always wanted a big family, but sadly his first wife had passed away in childbirth. It had taken him two years to remarry, and now he was stuck with only one son and a second wife that was probably barren.
A cruel fate he had been dealt, really.
And now, as you stared at the droplets of blood staining the sheets, an ugly feeling crawled its way through your chest. Something that felt akin to jealousy, which you knew was ridiculous and borderline sinful.
It was an ugly, awful thing to envy a dead woman—and you swore to yourself that you never would. You knew how much Cregan loved you, and you were mature enough to know that one person could hold love in their heart for two people. Still though, you just couldn’t help yourself.
Arra might have died for it, but at least she gave him an heir. I cannot even offer him anything, You thought bitterly.
The realization just made you cry harder, wondering if when Cregan found out he’d lose his patience with you. You wondered if your husband would curse the Gods as you did; ask them why they’d taken his perfectly good wife away from him and cursed him with a barren one.
You knew that he wouldn’t, as deep down you knew your husband was not that kind of man. Grief however had skewed your mind, and it made you not think straight as you scrambled up.
Wiping your tears, you leaned over the bed and tore the sheets off with one pull. In a frenzy, and motivated by the desire to not let Cregan see them, you stuffed them deep within your closet and sobbed.
You don’t remember when you dressed yourself, or when you even left the room, really.
All you knew was that everything felt like a blur, the whole world passing you by as you aimlessly wandered through Winterfell.
You don’t remember what you were even looking for or why, but eventually you found yourself somewhere that surprised even you. In the hallway of an abandoned corridor, staring at the portrait of Cregan’s late wife.
You weren’t sure what possessed you to go there, or to even stay once you realized what it was. But something kept you rooted to your spot, and you found yourself entranced as you stared at the artwork.
Arra was beautiful, that was for sure. She had long dark hair, common amongst the Northerners, and big blue eyes that seemed to stare at you accusingly.
From what you’d heard from Cregan, she was his childhood sweetheart. Kind and generous, your husband had once reassured you that she’d love even you, when you were once worried that her ghost would somehow blame you for stealing her husband and child.
“Arra was a gentle soul,” Cregan explained, “And she’d love you for the simple fact that you make me happy, and that you are going to be a wonderful mother to her son and his siblings.”
Now, you wondered if that would still hold true. You had failed at the last part, and surely once Cregan found out, the happiness he once found with you would fade.
You wondered if then Arra would still be so accepting of you; a woman who had stolen her husband and her child and couldn’t even do anything to keep him happy.
It haunted you to think so. Sent a burning feeling through your chest. A feeling of failure. A feeling of jealousy, that this woman had given your husband everything you’d ever wanted to give him and more. A feeling of sadness when you realized that she had died for it, and now her place had been taken by someone as useless as you.
A few hours later, that’s where Cregan found you. Staring at the portrait of Arra Norrey, crying your eyes out over a dead woman, his late wife, and the babe that never even existed in your womb.
“Y/N?” Cregan approached you cautiously, alarm and panic in his eyes as he saw you sunken on the floor. You hadn’t know it yet, too caught up in your grief, but you’d been missing pretty much the entire day and no one had been able to find you since this morning.
The sun had long set, and just when Cregan felt like he was about to lose his mind, he remembered one last place he hadn’t checked. A place he used to visit all the time when he was a child, hiding and sneaking away with his now late wife. But he hadn’t had the heart to visit since she died, not until the possibility of you being in danger arose.
It was here that he found you, and immediately your husband rushed over to you, taking you into your arms and inspecting you for any signs of danger as you cried.
“What has happened? Are you hurt?”
“No.”
Somehow, you managed to force the word out, shaking your head as you tried to quiet yourself. You hadn’t meant for him to find you like this, honestly you hadn’t. You’d meant to go find him hours ago and tell him the news, but you were stuck to this spot and you couldn’t move. The entire day you’d been paralyzed with grief and it was obvious you weren’t okay even though you tried to convince him you were.
“I’m fine, Cregan. Really,” You told him, but of course he didn’t believe you.
He reached a hand out to touch your face, wiping your tears as he set his torch down. The new angle allowed you to see his face better, to see the worry and the panic and the grief.
You curled into yourself even more knowing that you had probably caused it, and knowing that you were about to add to it even more.
“Y/N, what happened?” Cregan demanded. He was perplexed. “Why have you been down here the entire day? It’s nearly midnight. We’ve been searching for you for hours. Everyone was worried, I was going out of my mind thinking that something awful had happened to you! And the babe—”
Cregan suddenly paused as you began to cry harder, his eyes wide as you cradled your empty womb. Something in his head seemed to click, an awful thought he’d never even considered before rendering him weak.
“Gods. Has something happened to the babe? Is that why you disappeared?” Cregan panicked, and you couldn’t stop the plethora of tears that slid down your cheeks.
“I’m sorry.” The dam broke, and you launched yourself into Cregan’s arms as his face turned to horror. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Cregan, I…there is no babe,” You explained to him, and you watched as his expression hardened.
“My love, what are you talking about? What has happened to our child?” He demanded to know. You held your head shamefully.
“The sheets, Cregan,” You told him softly.
He paused. “What?”
“I bled.” The confession left a bitter taste in your mouth, Cregan reeling back in shock. “My moon blood…it came this morning while you were out. I took the sheets…so you wouldn’t know and I…I wanted to tell you, I swear. But I just…I didn’t know how and I didn’t want you to be disappointed in me,” You whimpered. “I’m sorry.”
You looked away, afraid to see his face. Afraid to see the disappointment and the anger that was sure to come. Afraid to see the same accusing stare that Arra wore.
You averted your eyes, because you didn’t think you could bare watching the moment your husband realized that you were a failure. That it was you all along and not him that couldn’t conceive a child. It was your womb, your body that was preventing his happiness.
You didn’t think you could watch the moment all of it faded away.
“Y/N…”
You flinched as Cregan’s hand gently grabbed your face, making you look at him no matter how hard you tried not to. His rough, calloused fingers stroked your cheek, and he looked awfully gentle for a man that should’ve been angry beyond belief.
“My love, look at me. Look at me, please.”
You blinked, and all of sudden you were gazing into his eyes, one blue and one brown. Both of them looked soft and warm, Cregan sighing as he shook his head.
“You will never be a disappointment,” He said firmly. “Not to me. And I don’t want you to ever think such a thing. You are a good wife—”
“Who has failed you time and time again, Cregan,” You sniffled, “It has been six months, and I have yet to fall pregnant. You already have a son, so we both know it is me. I…I’m the one that keeps disappointing us. And I don’t know what to do anymore. I just…I just want to give you a child already. I want to be just as good as Arra was.”
Cregan had been stabbed before, cut from navel to collar and yet nothing in the world was as painful as watching you break down in his arms, desperate for the child you did not have.
It made him feel helpless to see you cry, and he hated that feeling. Hated that there was nothing he could do except for hold you, and offer you sweet words in hopes that it would soothe the ache.
“And you will. One day, you shall bare me another child, but if the Gods have decided that it won’t be today then so be it. We’ll try again and again until the time is right, and if that time never comes then I’ll still be with you every step of the way,” Cregan whispered.
He rested his forehead against yours and stared into your watery eyes. In the dying light of the torch, he could see the way they danced with a thousand emotions, each one more devastating to see than the last.
“You will be a mother one day my love, but please, do not compare yourself to her,” He continued. “Arra bore me a son, yes, but she gave her life for it. I would rather give Winterfell to my uncle Bennard than to see you perish for a child as well. I cannot…I cannot bare losing you too. Do you understand?”
You could hear the pain in Cregan’s voice, the unspoken truth that he’d rather you never be a mother than to have you leave him as well. It made your heart ache at the thought of never having your own child to share, flesh and blood and bones made from your love.
It would haunt you to the end of your days, but dying and leaving your husband alone in this world would destroy you even more.
You nodded. “I understand,” You told Cregan softly.
The warm fire light died down as you held one another in that corridor.
Nevermind that half the castle was still looking for you; in that moment, you only wanted your husband, his presence the only thing that could soothe the aches.
As Cregan’s strong arms and soft words comforted you, your eyes turned to look at the portrait of Arra. You wondered, if in her final moments she felt the same comforts as you did—content knowing that no matter what happened, she’d have a husband who would be there for her until the very end.
You hoped that she had.
—
In the morning, Cregan declined seeing off his most loyal bannermen, keeping his promise of being by your side whilst you visited the Maester.
You were shaking, undeniably terrified for what he was going to say, but you kept your head high and held onto Cregan’s hand the entire time he examined you.
You told him of your bleeding last morning, and how it had seemingly stopped today. You confessed that you hadn’t been feeling the usual symptoms of morning sickness or fatigue, but your breasts were sore and your appetite seemed to have increased.
Your body was an endless maze of confusion and it put you through emotions you weren’t even capable of understanding. You didn’t see how the Maester could either, really, but you supposed that he was used to these kinds of things more than you were.
After you had answered all of his questions, you braced yourself, squeezing Cregan’s hand as you prepared for the Maester to tell you what he thought.
And to your utter surprise, he merely smiled.
“Bleeding from the womb for a day or two is rare after conception, but possible. The fact that it’s gone away is a good sign, My Lady,” He reassured you.
You felt Cregan gripping your hand tighter as a flurry of emotions filled your body. First, you were shocked. Then you were relieved. And slowly, the grief that had been eating away at your heart faded, and you felt the tiniest bit of something else bleed through.
Hope.
“You mean…?”
You didn’t want to say it out loud, for fear of maybe being wrong, but the Maester seemed to catch on and nodded his head.
“Yes. Gods willing, there should be a new child of Winterfell in about seven months,” He confirmed. And then he added, “Congratulations, My Lady. My Lord.”
He bowed to you and Cregan before leaving the room, also sensing that the two of you might like some privacy.
And he was right.
As soon as the door shut, Cregan pulled you into his arms and let out a shaky breath. You didn’t even have to see his face to know that your husband was smiling, and when you hugged him against you—hard—you could feel warm tears wetting your neck.
“D’you hear that? We’re having a baby,” You laughed in disbelief while Cregan chuckled, sniffling as he kissed alongside your jaw.
“I never doubted that we would,” He said honestly, and all you could do was hold him tighter, your own tears slipping down your cheeks.
“No. No you didn’t.”
#house of the dragon#hotd x reader#cregan stark x reader#cregan stark x you#cregan stark#cregan x reader
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𝐰𝐞𝐭 𝐡𝐨𝐭 𝐚𝐦𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐞𝐫 𝜗𝜚 𝐜𝐡𝐫𝐢𝐬 𝐬𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐨𝐥𝐨
𝐢𝐧 𝐰𝐡𝐢𝐜𝐡 you and your friends decide to road trip up to the cabin in the midst of the wet, hot, american summer. however, you and chris haven’t been able to keep your hands to yourselves for weeks. just how hot will it get?
𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: SMUT, praise kink, oral, unprotected, creampie, substance use, language, descriptive, recording!
𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 4.6k
𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞𝐬: hi, my first fic & smut story! this is highly inspired by t.i. west’s “x” (without the gore, of course). i tend to be descriptive with scenery and details so if you’re not a fan of that, my writing may not be for you. anyways, i hope it’s not bad, enjoy!
the texas summer heat filled the rickety old van as the five of you drove the open road, the dry warmth wrapping around your bodies like a blanket. the air conditioner was working overtime on full blast as you had your feet up on the dashboard, your manicured toes wriggling in the air hitting them through the open window.
your eyes trailed over the words of the book lying in your lap, trying to read through the slight feeling of motion sickness coming on. you sat in the passenger seat as matt drove, while nick, chris, and nate sat in the back of the van discussing useless topics to pass the time for the last hour or so. you all had been on the road since the break of day and it was already half past twelve as you were nearing the cabin.
the five of you took the weekend to road trip up to the country to relax and film content, when given the chance.
taking a brief moment away from your book, you looked out at the rolling yellow grass of the texas plains. as you all had been driving for hours straight, matt pulled off the dusty road up to a run down, road side gas station and drove the van up to the lone gas pump over the gravel. you let a sigh of relief out to finally stretch your legs and get a snack from inside.
“alright everyone out” matt shouted as the van door slid open, followed by the three boys in the back piling out into the warm air. you slipped your platform sandals on and stepped out of the vehicle, slamming the door shut behind you. it felt nice to stand up and walk around but more importantly, to finally tug at the tiny shorts that had been uncomfortably riding up your ass almost the entire ride. you adjusted your tube top and held your hair up in one hand, letting the breeze hit your neck clung with sweat and baby hairs.
matt was busy filling up the van while nick and nate had already made their way inside of the rural gas station. you began to walk up the gravel as you felt a hand smack your ass, flinching at the touch. “ouch” you hissed, turning to see chris walking past you.
“those little fucking shorts have been driving me crazy” he chuckled as a grin pulled at the corner of his lips, walking backwards to face you before he could turn around to head in through the door.
you and chris had been messing around for awhile now but the balls on the kid never ceased to amaze you, literally and figuratively. sneaking around here and there when the boys weren’t looking, hell, even when they were, touching in passing and under the table to drive one another crazy. it started as a bored summer night fling until you both realized that you couldn’t keep your hands to yourselves soon after the fact.
shaking your head with a sly grin, you joined the boys in the store as they grabbed snacks off the shelves to keep themselves sane for the rest of the trip. sliding the ice cream freezer open, you leaned over the cold air for a moment of relief, the chill instantly littering your skin with goosebumps. funnily enough, your felt your nipples perk up beneath the fabric of your top in response to the immediate crisp sensation. a natural reaction, in comparison to the sweltering heat for the past five hours.
reaching down to grab a bomb pop, the cold wrapper felt nice between your hand. placing their items on the counter, chris offered to pay for everyone’s snacks as the cashier scanned each item. the hum of the old radio filling the silence while they waited to tear into the food. standing next to chris, he glanced down at you as his attention slowly trailed down to your nipples on display through your tube top, in which he couldn’t wait to tear into you. a smile crept on his face before finally looking up at you, your eyes already locked on him. “up here, perv” you mouthed quietly, motioning to your eyes.
piling out of the gas station, you tore at the wrapper of the bomb pop before taking the frozen popsicle between your lips. closing your eyes for a moment, the cherry flavor turned them an artificial shade of red. chris tucked his wallet into his back pocket, walking near you as he watched your lips cling onto the popsicle, imagining them plump and red around his dick in it’s place.
“damn relax” he groaned in your ear, adjusting himself in his shorts as he walked behind you “save all that for me later, yeah?” he teased, planting a warm kiss on your exposed shoulder before you could push him away, not wanting the rest of the group to catch wind of his very blatant behavior. you looked him in the eye before licking up the side of the red, white, and blue popsicle, sucking on the tip while letting a small laugh escape as it lingered on your lips. “well unless you’re cherry, lime, and raspberry flavored, i don’t think so.” you teased, taking a small bite.
“i can be whatever flavor you want” he chuckled, smacking your ass once again, sending your body forward as he caught up with the boys to load up in the back of the van. you rolled your eyes, pulling your shorts down once more before finding your seat in the front for the remainder of the trip.
⋆˚ 𝜗𝜚˚⋆
as matt finally pulled up on the long winding road to the cabin you all unloaded your bags from the van, chris insisting on carrying your things. walking up the steps of the wood home nestled amongst the towering trees, you all couldn’t help but explore the grounds as you’d rented this place on a whim. the cabin was alone between hundreds of wooded acres, accompanied by a swimming hole and a rope swing that you already knew the guys would abuse throughout the weekend.
“alright, i’m fucking beat so i’m gonna wash off and lay down for a little. we can just meet up later and decide what we’re gonna do.” matt explained to the group, before the rest of them nodded in agreement. nick and nate were already out the door and into the woods, walking the lake trail to map out the site as there was essentially no service. matt headed towards his chosen room to put his things down and grab a quick shower.
leaving you and chris in the cozy open living room area, he looked over your half exposed body before nodding in the direction up the stairs to your room. you laughed, walking past him, purposely wanting to take the stairs in front of him knowing the fabric of your bottoms would cover little to nothing on the way up. taking a step up the creaking stairs, you turned back to him standing in the same spot. “well let’s go then, tiger” you teased, hooking your finger to gesture him in your direction. he grinned and began to follow behind, instinctively looking up your shorts to take a peak of the folds where your ass met your thighs as you walked in front of him.
“those goddamn shorts kid” he continued before you could shake your head as a giggle rolled off your lips “oh will you shut up about the shorts already” you joked as you made your way down the hallway and into the single bedroom upstairs.
chris put your bags down on the rug, before shutting the door behind him. he had one bag around his shoulder still that carried their equipment, placing it on the quilted bed before sitting on the edge.
he reached inside of the bag, taking out an old digital camcorder they recently purchased. usually nick and matt dealt with the technical equipment but chris had managed to get his hands on it for ideas of his own that he had been sitting on since the car ride. tossing it aside with a grin, he decided to come back to it later.
meanwhile, you walked around the room, dusting your finger across the shelves of knick knacks and picture frames that adorned the walls. you had a window with a view of the never ending forest, which you knew would give you problems later on when it got dark. leaning forward to slide the window open, you placed your hands on the window sill and peeked out to take a breath of the pine filled air. slightly jutting your hips sporting ‘those little shorts’ back to taunt chris as he watched you from behind.
“what are you doing with all that ass” he laughed as you turned to face him with a look of surprise. “who, me?” you feigned innocence, wearing a smug smirk of satisfaction.
“yeah, you. come ‘ere” chris spoke with a low tone of command. walking in his direction, the wood floors creaked beneath your sandals. your eyes flickered down to chris’ shorts, as you realized that wasn’t the only wood in the cabin.
“these old things really seem to work you up, huh?” you teased and tugged at the waistband of your shorts, standing between his spread legs as his eyes made their way up to yours. although nothing seemed funny anymore as his blue hues darkened over, trailing his hands up the back your thighs and over your ass. chris slowly worked on unbuttoning your bottoms as your hand reached out to rest on his shoulder in approval. he tugged your shorts and panties down past your thighs in one go, the sound of your clothes hitting the floor filled the room as you stood in front of him. he leaned forward to place a kiss against your pelvis as his hands gripped the supple skin of your ass.
looking up at you, he planted another kiss against your body before slipping his hand beneath the hem of your top, one hand locked in his brown wavy hair, pulling at the strands between your fingers.
he pulled you closer to him as you instinctively straddled his lap before you could pull at the fabric of his shirt between your fist. getting the hint without uttering a word, he pulled it over his head and tossed it to the side, letting the silver chain around his neck hit his skin.
you traced your finger over his bare chest, fiddling with the chain between your digits as he silently scanned over your face. the intensity behind his eyes grew by the second as he watched you graze his skin.
you felt his dick pulse beneath your exposed core as you mildly grinded your hips over his clothed hard on. the folds of your pussy teasingly rubbed against the thin fabric of his shorts every now and then.
“you wanna be a good girl and show me how you wrapped your lips around that popsicle?” chris asked with his head slightly tilted back, his voice low and raspy as he took your chin in his hand to look him in the eye. you nodded in his hold while he glided the pad of his thumb against your bottom lip, pushing your lips open for you to wrap around his thumb.
“aht aht” he smugly shook his head as you looked up at him before he gently lowered you from his lap to your knees. resting your hands over your already bruised knees, patched with shades of purple and blue, you sat up straight and looked at chris seated before you on the edge of the bed. looking down at you, he palmed the boner growing beneath his shorts.
standing to his feet, chris tugged off his shorts and boxers at the same time. his fully erect dick slapping his lower stomach as he pulled the waistband of his boxers down.
now standing in front of you, he took the base of his cock in one hand and pumped at it a few times before you could take him in between your fingertips. adjusting yourself, you leaned back on the balls of your heels and sat up straight to reach his length, letting a trail of saliva coat his throbbing cock.
“fuck” he muttered under his breath at the wet feeling, watching you take him in both hands as he caressed your cheek in his palm with the pad of his thumb.
“hold up” he broke out, turning back to reach for the digital camera on the bed that he set aside earlier. opening the viewfinder, he slipped the camera strap over his four fingers before pointing the blinking camcorder down at you, looking sheepishly up at him.
“chris!” you shouted, immediately hiding your blushed face behind your hand.
“c’mon show me your face, baby” he groaned, as the mere tone of his voice didn’t take much convincing for you to oblige. you slowly showed your face, looking up at the camera through your lashes out of embarrassment. “there’s my pretty girl” he cooed with a grin at the site of your face on the viewfinder. swollen lips and all, against the tip of his cock.
“go ahead” he mumbled, continuing to look at you through the camera.
you nodded your head before bashfully licking his angry red tip, flattening your tongue against his sensitive slit. chris hissed between his teeth at the touch, looking up at him past the camera you slowly wrapped your lips around his cock, just like the bomb pop. you moved your head forward, your hand still at the base of his dick as you slowly began to bob your head back and forth up his length. chris groaned at the sight, his hand now holding the back of your head. despite the pressure, you pulled back to spit on his dick again, letting it trail down your lips
“fuck…just like that” he let a drawn out moan behind the camera.
“you look so hot” he praised as you continued to move up and down his veiny cock, your hand twisting at the base as the other rested against his thigh. “you’re a fuckin’ star” he moaned lowly, zooming in on your rosy features. your cheeks began to hollow out as you sucked harder, the warmth of your mouth wrapping around him with every stroke.
as you continued, he felt his stomach clench as he was inching closer to his climax before a voice abruptly pulled you both out of your home video.
“we’re gonna go swimming, let’s go!” nick shouted to anyone that was listening in the house, as chris rolled his eyes followed by a defeated groan.
you giggled at his expressions, letting a slight popping sound escape as his hard on slipped out of your mouth and slapped against his stomach.
“no baby keep going, really quick for me, please.” he whined, tilting his head back as he didn’t want to be left with the pain of blue balls.
“aw, we can finish this later” you teased, wiping the corner of your mouth before standing to your feet as you turned to grab a bikini out of your bag.
leaning over, your ass was still on full display as your pink folds peaked out between your ass cheeks. chris grumbled behind you, slapping your ass as he rubbed the red hand print on your skin out beneath his fingers.
“later you can show me how those lips wrap around my popsicle” he mumbled quietly to the camera, slowly zooming in on your picture perfect core.
“christopher!” you shouted, covering the lens with your hand as he chuckled behind you.
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after hours of swimming in the lake, you all had decided to finally get out and dry off by sunset.
matt and nate had already started a fire in the pit just off of the cabin porch as the rest of you grabbed snacks and drinks out of the cooler, attempting to dry up in the process.
sitting around the fire, you were cuddled next to nick on the benches surrounding the pit with a throw blanket wrapped around the both of your shoulders. chris sat on opposite side of you, wishing it was him instead of nick. the ember and haze of the fire rising between your eye levels as you two continued to steal glances throughout the evening.
for the rest of the night you all partook in traditional campfire activities. stargazing, s’mores, sharing passed down scary stories, and occasionally flinching at the sound of a twig snapping in the distance.
after a couple of hours, you decided to tug your boots on and call it a night. the boys stayed outside and passed a joint around, making them equally giggly as their laughter echoed through the still woods.
making it up to your room, you tugged the damp bikini off of your body and let the somehow still sopping wet material hit the floor. hanging the two piece over the headboard to dry, you wanted to wash off the smoky scent that lingered on your body. luckily, you called dibs on the master bedroom with a bathroom attached so you didn’t have to go too far.
after a much needed warm shower, you wrapped the white bath towel tightly around your body and wiped the condensation off the mirror to brush your hair out.
your attention on the brush in your hand was pulled away at the sound of a thump against your bedroom window. jesus, just what you needed after all those dumb scary stories. slowly peaking out of the bathroom, the noise had stopped altogether. you shook your head and brushed the sound off, continuing to comb through your soaking wet hair.
moments later it began again, tap…tap…tap against the window.
“what the fuck” you muttered to yourself as your heart began to beat faster in your chest. you tried to calm yourself down by the fact that you were on the second floor and there was no way someone could get up there without you hearing, no way.
tensely creeping towards the window, a small rock hit the glass causing you to flinch as your heart sank to your stomach. leaning your palms forward on the window sill, you saw chris looking up at you from the ground outside.
you rolled your eyes and let a sigh out, pulling up the window “you could just come inside, you know, instead of giving me a fucking heart attack.” you teased, sitting on the frame beneath the lace curtains blowing in the breeze as your pulse slowed to a normal pace.
“well, where’s the fun in that?” he whispered loudly so you could hear, a grin tugging at his lips.
“what do you want?” you asked, tossing your wet hair to one side.
“i’ll be up in a little, leave your door unlocked.” he cupped his hands around his mouth so you could hear him from the second floor.
⋆˚ 𝜗𝜚˚⋆
in the mean time you had slipped into your pajamas, a tiny white tank top and little red dolphin style shorts with white lining.
your hair still wet from the shower, you sat in front of the rustic vanity to begin braiding it before a quiet knock on the door pulled you away from the mirror.
chris slipped in through the door before shutting it quietly and locking it behind his back. he flipped the overhead light off, leaving you two in the shadows of the warm table lamp and the soft glow of the moonlight filtering in through the curtains.
“hey” he whispered, walking up behind you to press a kiss against your neck as you tilted your head to the side, looking at him through the mirror. his skin smelt of campfire smoke and weed.
“where’ve you been, playboy?” you laughed and reached a hand up into his messy hair, combing through his brown locks.
“i had to finish the j and find an excuse to come up here, i told them i’d be back in a little.” he muttered against your cool skin, his kisses making their way down the crook of your neck onto your exposed shoulders.
“speaking of playboys” he whispered, hooking his fingers around the straps of your tank top as you felt goosebumps at the touch. “lets film the happy ending, yeah?”
you let a quiet giggle out, as he tugged at the straps letting them roll of your shoulders. he left you with a kiss before walking back to the bed, sitting on the edge where he was earlier. you pushed your hair behind you and stood up, walking in his direction.
standing between his spread legs once again, he repeated his motions from the afternoon and slipped the pajamas you had off and onto the wood floor.
“naughty boy, been thinking about this all day?” you laughed while pressing a hand against his chest, gently pushing him back on the creaky bed. he pulled himself back up against the metal headboard as you crawled onto his lap, straddling his thighs between yours.
placing his hands on either sides of your thighs, he trailed a hand up your abdomen, taking your sensitive nipple between his thumb and index finger. you felt the hairs on the back of your neck stand at his touch “you’re always so pretty, y’know that?” he whispered, ignoring your question, looking up at you while his fingers lingered over your body.
you nodded at his statement, pushing your hair forward over your perky tits as your nipples poked out through the wet hair that clung to your skin.
you leaned into his chest, pressing your lips against his, as his hands trailed up over your ass, squeezing at your skin between his fingers. the kiss was heated and slow before gradually turning hungry, as your tongues began to fight against each other.
you tugged his shirt up beneath you before he could pull it off over his head, tossing it on the floor as your hand palmed over his cock straining beneath the swim trunks.
you continued to lock lips as your hand teased him over his clothes. grabbing your hips between his hands, he turned you over and pressed your back against the bed in one swift motion.
standing up on his knees between your spread legs, he looked down at you and your pink bundle of nerves, aching for his touch. twiddling with the gold necklace lying against your chest, you tugged your bottom lip between your teeth as he leaned forward to push out saliva building in his mouth, trailing down your already wet folds. you winced at the feeling, slightly letting a quiet groan out as your head rolled back on the pillows.
he reached his hand forward to place on your pubic bone, as he rubbed his thumb out in circles over your sore clit.
your muscles twitched at the feeling, squeezing your eyes shut as you grabbed a handful of the sheets beneath you. chris looked up at you, your clit still under his thumb as a grin pulled at his lips “hm you like that, huh?” he groaned, palming his own pulsating dick while he watched you squirm beneath his touch.
chris quickly leaned over the side of the bed to grab the camcorder from the bag on the floor, opening the viewfinder once again. holding the camera in his hand, he pointed it up at your face currently flustered from the heat.
“time for your close up, movie star” he teased, leaning forward to gently slip two fingers into you as he pumped in and out slowly. curling his fingers upward, he watched as your back arched off the bed and zoomed out to get your whole body in the frame.
moving the camera down, he zoomed in on your pussy, letting a trail of saliva coat it again before rubbing his fingertips against you.
“tell me what you want” he groaned, looking up at you as you could barely speak from the anticipation building in your core.
“y-you, i want you chris” you groaned, now sitting up on your elbows to look up at him behind the camera.
“good girl” he cooed, the curve of his grin twisting father up his face. he shifted behind the camera, pulling his trunks down to reveal his throbbing dick, now the same veiny cherry red shade of the bomb pop.
taking it between his hand, he shifted the camera down to get his cock in the frame as he teasingly rubbed the tip against your soaking folds, both of your groans filling the silence. he continued for a moment, coating himself in your juices before lining himself up with your entrance. slowly pushing himself in, he watched his cock slide inside of you through the viewfinder, bottoming out as your walls wrapped perfectly around him.
“fuuuck” he groaned out, his eyes still on the camera as he used his free hand to push your thigh down farther on the bed. you quietly whimpered at the feeling as you adjusted to his size. the sound of your low moans, cicada hums, and ironically, the echoes of the train horn miles away breezing in through the window permeated the bedroom.
he looked down at you, while thrusting his hips slowly in rhythm. your skin sticking to eachother from the sweat as he zoomed out to get your entire body and his lower half in view.
“fuck, look at you.” he moaned, still pumping as you squeezed around his cock with every stroke. picking up his speed, he pressed his free hand between your lower hips over the slight bulge peeking through as he was in and out of your stomach, now drilling into you.
“you look so fucking perfect, taking my dick like that” chris moaned nearly out of breath, narrating your film with his low husky tone.
you reached above your head to wrap your fingers tightly around the metal headboard, squeezing until your knuckles nearly turned white. the mix of sweat and water had your baby hairs sticking to your skin as you took him. your face scrunching up, eyes closed, in euphoria at the feeling of him hammering into your cervix.
“look at me baby” chris growled as your eyes nearly rolled back in your head, the tightness in your stomach continued to build as he fucked you.
“fuck- chris, keep going” you whined, eyes welling up with tears as you looked at the camera through damp eyelashes.
“just like that pretty girl. i want to see your face when you cum all over me” he thrusted into you harder and faster, as your jaw fell open at the feeling, pornographic moans escaping as he slammed the back of your head into the headboard.
“harder baby” you whined, although you didn’t know how much harder than this it could get. you watched chris’ expression of concentration twist into a smirk “what do you say?” he groaned as the brown curls saturated in sweat began to stick to his forehead. “plea-” you gasped as he fucked the words out of your mouth before you could even finish, not needing to say much more as he evidently proved you wrong.
the tightened feeling in your stomach continued to build as he screwed you before you felt a long final strain rise in your abdomen. “oh my fucking god” you screamed out, your back now arched up off the quilt beneath you with a handful of sheets between your fingers. coating his cock in your white milky cum, you let out a whine as he pulled an orgasm from deep in your stomach, feeling your muscles flutter at the release.
although you had reached your climax, chris continued to thrust in and out, your arousal now lubricating his dick even more. his eyebrows furrowed with concentration, wrapping his hand tightly around your thigh to use as leverage.
“c-chris i can’t” you whined, gathering the strength to sit up on your elbows as you watched him pound in and out between your folds. your face scrunched up and lips parted, letting moans escape through your swollen lips. your stomach tensed at the feeling as your abs clenched, the position you were laying in causing him to hit the deepest part of you cervix, over and over.
“i’m almost there baby, c’mere” he moaned out, reaching up to grab your chin with his hand. he pulled your face towards his, smashing his hot lips against yours for a moment. “ where do you want me?” he groaned against your lips, leaning forward as he pressed his hand into the bed next to you to hold his weight “inside me, playboy” you moaned out, grabbing his face between your hands before reaching your fingers up to his hair to push the wet brown curls brushing over his eyes, out of the way.
he nodded his head, as he continued to thrust inside of you a few more times before his lips parted open against yours. “oh fuck” chris let out a low moan, his stomach and chest twitching as he released before he could stand to his knees once again. his thick, white, cum warming you inside as he filled you up.
he flowed through the motions a couple of more times before finally pulling out, sore at the sensation. he panted out of exhaustion, adjusting the camera between his hands as he shifted the focus down to your pink folds now leaking with his white seed. “jesus” he groaned low, zooming in on your pussy. “look at that” he admired the sight as you let a quiet giggle escape beneath heavy breaths.
he smiled, both of you equally out of breath as he shifted the camera up to your face now flushed a deep pink “there’s my girl” he whispered as you brushed the sweat and flyaways at the crown of your hair.
“come here” you murmured, sitting up to gently pull his chain towards your body. closing the viewfinder, he dropped the camera on the bed side table before falling on top of you. holding himself up with his hands on either sides of your body.
“you’re gonna delete that, right?” you giggled, looking up at him as a smirk played at his lips, shaking his head.
“oh absolutely not, i’d be fucking stupid to ever get rid of that.” he chuckled, leaning forward to press a warm kiss against your lips. “your name’s gonna be in lights after that performance.”
𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞𝐬: okay so this is my first story lmao, please let me know what you think! 🫣 my inbox is open & all interactions are so greatly appreciated. thank you! ⋆˚ 𝜗𝜚˚⋆
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