#TBH also in the summer if it were my place id keep it cold as hell. like if ur cold just bring a jacket im keepin that shit cold

[cicidraws]

its not even cold enough yet out to turn on the heater for long, like, by the time the suns out and im waking up its boiling inside of the house, but night time its freezing. so i keep having to switch back and forth between heat and a/c, its drivin me bonkers

[pckarchives]

beneath the cut , you’ll find random tidbits of info that i thought up at unholy hours of the night. took all day but tbh ..... this was therapy. i really said, “i’ll make my own damn self happy,” and it shows.

𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟎𝟏.     ›     alicia marie levesque boyd-whitley.

► hobbies ➔ painting and decoration, primarily. for the most part, this is due to the nostalgia of doing it with her moms. she’s not awful at it, but she’s not van gogh levels of good, either. it’s just for fun, as all things should be. she’s also incredibly creative, so things like renovation ideas come easy to her. she did ballet for several years, but dropped it before she moved to beacon hills. ► social media handles ➔ she’s aleesha on just about everything. ► conventional or creative contact ids ➔ mostly conventional, with a series of emojis attached to every name. ► favorite color ➔ green. but sea foam-ish green. ► favorite video game ➔ animal crossing new horizons. she’s a simple bitch; she sees cute animals, she plays the damn game. ► favorite song ➔ style by taylor swift. ► favorite scent ➔ pumpkin spice! not to be totally cliché, but that scent is unbeatable. she has a million candles with that scent alone. ► favorite band/artist ➔ taylor swift, of course. ► favorite place to be ➔ nana’s house! ► favorite season ➔ winter! she had so much fun with lucy over this past winter and if that’s the way lucy acts every year for christmas, then alicia looks forward to it! ► favorite word ➔ squishy. ► favorite meme ➔ maybe so.gif ► if they were an animal ➔ cheetah! ► if they were a color ➔ beige. no longer the pure white she once was, but not the tar pit that she could have been, either. a beautiful mixture of purities and imperfections. ► if they were a vine/tiktok ➔ *going through the five stages of grief* HHHHHHHHH !!!!! someone just slid in my dms and *voice cracking* this is what they said.... *sobbing* gIRL.... *sniffle* HNNNNNN..... you should sell hoT DOGs.... ‘cause you know how to make a weiner stand. hNNNNNN.... HNNNNN!!!!!! ► if they were a taylor swift song ➔ shake it off. ► aesthetic ➔ paint-stained overalls, tear tracks covered in glitter and flower petals, crooked fingers snagging the last slice of pizza out the box, thick-framed glasses with the lens popped out, it’s for the aesthetic, sharpie’d converse kicks and open hearts doodled onto the palm of your hand –– darling girl, someone will really love you one day. ► motto ➔ “it really do be like that sometimes.” ► theme song ➔ lights up by harry styles.

𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟎𝟐.     ›     amari rose kent.

► hobbies ➔ writing, mostly out of spite. in middle school, she had a meeting with the principal, during which he told her she was at risk of being expelled, due to how many teachers had issues with her. this was the same principal who told her she would never get anywhere, hanging off of tate’s coattails, so she wrote a 50-page paper in the span of one week, shaming the school for its discrimination and unethical practices when it came to students. instead of giving the paper to the principal, she submitted it to the board of education and got the man fired. not only did the essay make it onto local news, it also got her a scholarship to devenford prep; lucky, since tatum had already been offered a scholarship and was on the verge of turning it down because she wouldn’t go without amari. though she hasn’t spitefully written anything that huge since, she is still not afraid to thinkshame. also dabbles in poetry and collage-making. ► social media handles ➔ amari_rose on twitter and instagram. she surprisingly does not have a snapchat! ► conventional or creative contact ids ➔ conventional. at best, she’s giving nicknames. ► favorite color ➔ black. ► favorite video game ➔ she doesn’t play video games, so she doesn’t know. ► favorite song ➔ bad guy by billie eilish. ► favorite scent ➔ not to kinkshame, but.... leather. ► favorite band/artist ➔ billie eilish, she is not ashamed! ► favorite place to be ➔ wherever tate and owen are, honestly. ► favorite season ➔ summer. ► favorite word ➔ bullshit. ► favorite meme ➔ thA’TS MY OPINION !!!! ► if they were an animal ➔ panther. ► if they were a color ➔ silver. black is a hard color to obtain and she hardly comes close. she’s got all the darkness she doesn’t need, but the world put that in her. still, she’s close to light, too; close to breathing in sunlight. ► if they were a vine/tiktok ➔ to the mIDDLE SCHOOL TEACHER –– yes, YOU, you know who you are –– who said EYE would never be shit, LOOK AT ME NOW, WHORE ! LOOK AT ME NOW .... not shit. and HOW YOU LIKE IT ? *twerks belligerently* ► if they were a taylor swift song ➔  sad beautiful tragic. ► aesthetic ➔ messily chopped hair in the bathroom sink, tongue poked out to lick ketchup off of nimble fingers, rushed words in a lost diary, a bottle drifting out at sea, cigarette smoke and tequila-coated daydreams, harsh breaths in and out and in and out, bruised knuckles and bleeding lips, we’re not done here. ► motto ➔ “chin up, chest out.” ► theme song ➔ all the good girls go to hell by billie eilish. alternatively, kiwi by harry styles.

𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟎𝟑.     ›     camden wesley layton lahey.

► hobbies ➔ he took up woodworking a few years back. therapy and whatnot. he likes making little birds and figurines out of wood, keeps a box of them in his nightstand. ► social media handles ➔ he’s not on social media! he’s old, leave him alone. ► conventional or creative contact ids ➔ very conventional. again, he’s old, leave him! ► favorite color ➔ grassy green. ► favorite video game ➔ he’s always going to be a sucker for mario party. that game is unfairly frustrating, but he would ride or die for it. ► favorite song ➔ i of the storm by of monsters and men. ► favorite scent ➔ peppermint! it used to make him sick, because it’s such a strong smell, but it’s now his absolute favorite thing in the world. ► favorite band/artist ➔ gorillaz. ► favorite place to be ➔ he honestly prefers closed spaces? tight spaces where he can see every corner, every entrance, every exit, every tile on the floor. whenever he starts panicking, he will sneak away to the nearest closet or something. ► favorite season ➔ spring. rebirth, babyyy. ► favorite word ➔ dammit. ► favorite meme ➔ it’s free real estate. ► if they were an animal ➔ german shepard. ► if they were a color ➔ light pink. this strange mix between the pure white of being a blank slate and the awful red of having spilled more blood than he can even remember. ► if they were a vine/tiktok ➔ AWWWWWWW 😍😍 awww, i’m gonna die alone 🤗🤗🤗 awww !!! i’m never gonna know what it’s like to be LOVED, AWWWWWW !!!! ► if they were a taylor swift song ➔ holy ground. ► aesthetic ➔ sweat-dotted skin, racing heart, jingling dog tags, checking the locks on the door once and then again and then again and once more just to be sure, hesitant hands and wet eyes, a smile that’s easy even when nothing else is, sunlight pouring in through a cracked window, a step closer to an answer, five steps back. ► motto ➔ “sure, jan.” ► theme song ➔ clint eastwood by gorillaz.

𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟎𝟒.     ›     charles gerard argent.

► hobbies ➔ someone should tell him that working out isn’t a personality trait, but it really is his hobby. your depression can’t catch up to you, if you’re getting these gainz. ► social media handles ➔ he’s charliecharlie on everything, because he’s funny. ► conventional or creative contact ids ➔ it used to be creative, but man, that depression hit him hard and he switched to conventional. ► favorite color ➔ white. ► favorite video game ➔ fortnite, shut the fuck up, liam, he doesn’t want to hear it. ► favorite song ➔ perfect ruin by kwabs. ► favorite scent ➔ salt water. ► favorite band/artist ➔ clairo. ► favorite place to be ➔ at the beach. he takes frequent drives up to the closest beach, ► favorite season ➔ summer. beach time! all the time! ► favorite word ➔ yeet. ► favorite meme ➔ y E E T. ► if they were an animal ➔ raven. ► if they were a color ➔ a myriad of colors; there are so many facets to charlie and until he figures out exactly where he is in life, he’s going to keep creating a puddle of colors. ► if they were a vine/tiktok ➔ *dancing and singing to the tune of under the sea* ptsd 🤪 anxiety 🤪 crippling depression, there is no question, you should kill me !! let me be with HARAMBE 😤✊ i feel like shit every day ! i’m asking nicely, do it by drowning, under da sea 🌊🌊 ► if they were a taylor swift song ➔ getaway car. ► aesthetic ➔ that damnable water’s edge, the view from the top of a mountain, gnawed fingernails and scraped skin, 11:11 and back again, holstered knives and picturesque smiles, droplets of blood spilled into cold coffee, palm grazing the door to happiness but not quite opening it yet ––– another day and you might just make it. ► motto ➔ “que ce sang protège ceux qui ne peuvent se protéger.” ► theme song ➔ broken bones by kaleo.

𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟎𝟓.     ›     cora vienna hale.

► hobbies ➔ lowkey has a love of mechanics. she doesn’t trust anyone else to repair her bike, so she learned how to do it herself. also learned how to fix cars, because scott is always messing his up. also still plays soccer when she has the time. ► social media handles ➔ she’s just corahale on everything. it’s more “professional” than what she had before. which was... a series of expletives that made lydia blush. ► conventional or creative contact ids ➔ conventional, unless she really hates you. then she can get creative. ► favorite color ➔ black. ► favorite video game ➔ detroit: become human. ► favorite song ➔ hold on just a little while longer from d:bh. luther snapped. ► favorite scent ➔ pinecones. ► favorite band/artist ➔ bryson tiller. ► favorite place to be ➔ the hale house. it feels good to be able to go there again and not be assaulted with all of the reminders of what she lost. ► favorite season ➔ winter. ► favorite word ➔ buttercup. look her in the eye and tell her it’s not the cutest word you’ve ever heard. exactly, you can’t. ► favorite meme ➔ looks into the camera like she’s on the office. ► if they were an animal ➔ lion. ► if they were a color ➔ gold. pure and beautiful; maybe not innocent, maybe not for everyone. but royal and bold and unrelenting. ► if they were a vine/tiktok ➔ sO... .i just went to starbucks and i got my iced coffee and i was standing in line and these little girls were looking at me. *sniff* and i was like, “okay, funny joke.” so i, um, i’m s–– i’m waiting for my coffee, uh, at starbucks, and these other little girls were just, like, LOOKING AT ME and they kept on staring and then this DAD kept on looking and then he kept on staring. and *uncomfortable laughter* ....... *more laughter* ..... *turns on music* *keeps laughing* *turns music off* what kind of sick fucking joke ? .... *uncomfortable shrugging* ...i EXIST ? *more laughter* ► if they were a taylor swift song ➔ clean. ► aesthetic ➔ a horrid red fire meets a river of blue, gasoline stains on faded tees, an unexpected smile on a rainy day, the way the forest breathes after a rainstorm, skintight dresses and haughty gazes, a smirk that rests for no one, the innocence of a white wolf in a prom dress. ► motto ➔ “flectere si nequeo superos, acheronta movebo.” ► theme song ➔ big god by florence and the machine. alt. the man by taylor swift.

𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟎𝟔.     ›     daniel nahele mahealani.

► hobbies ➔ he no longer loves hacking or music, because... whew, high school killed everything he cared about. mostly sticks to being lydia’s dress up doll. ► social media handles ➔ he’s d-annyboy on all things, because it’s easy! ► conventional or creative contact ids ➔ conventional, unless he’s trying to hide something from jackson and lydia. lydia is not afraid to go through his phone, which he genuinely doesn’t mind, that’s why she knows all of his passwords and stuff. but he does not need her to know how many guys he’s fucked that she didn’t like, he’s not here for the lectures. ► favorite color ➔ red. ► favorite video game ➔ wii sports still outsells, he is not taking criticism or debate on this topic. ► favorite song ➔ magic in the hamptons by social house. ► favorite scent ➔ hot chocolate. ► favorite band/artist ➔ childish gambino. ► favorite place to be ➔ at the risk of being gay, wherever theo is. ► favorite season ➔ autumn. ► favorite word ➔ pack. he loves feeling loved, sue him. ► favorite meme ➔ kermit spreading his asshole. ► if they were an animal ➔ elephant. ► if they were a color ➔ orange; just on the cusp of happiness, but always holding back. ► if they were a vine/tiktok ➔ hEY GUYS, i’m just really co–– really confused, ‘cause what does fall have to do with fuckboys 🧐🤔 ‘cause I’VE been fucking boys .... EVERY MONTH, winter, fucking februarymarchaprilmay, june, december... dULY ... *someone taps on the trunk of the car* *looks back* ...that’s my dad *frantic zoom-in* ► if they were a taylor swift song ➔ afterglow. ► aesthetic ➔ scar-littered skin and callused hands, abandoned hobbies and hopes and dreams, all stashed to the back of the infamous closet, dimples cheeked and optimistic eyes, high school jerseys folded in the drawer, letterman jackets treated like sacrosanct, the memory of when things were simpler and the rain didn’t last so long.  ► motto ➔ “this could be worse.” ► theme song ➔ clementine by halsey.

𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟎𝟕.     ›     derek alexander hale.

► hobbies ➔ book collecting. as their lives continue to not make sense, he collects books on any and every odd ‘myth’ out there and just waits for the day it comes in handy. ► social media handles ➔ lydia has made him dhale on everything, because he’s boring. ► conventional or creative contact ids ➔ very conventional. he now has a lock on every app in his phone, because fiona and lydia will happily break into his phone to change his contacts, if he’s not careful. ► favorite color ➔ black. ► favorite video game ➔ he doesn’t often play video games, but he will school these youngsters in a game of yahtzee! ► favorite song ➔ when doves cry by prince. ► favorite scent ➔ something baking in the oven. ► favorite band/artist ➔ prince. no, he is not talking about it. ► favorite place to be ➔ the hale house, when the entire pack is there. close second is the loft, when everyone is there. he’ll complain until he’s blue in the face, but everyone knows he’s secretly weak for that. ► favorite season ➔ winter. ► favorite word ➔ no. ► favorite meme ➔ blinking white guy. ► if they were an animal ➔ i... a wolf. ► if they were a color ➔ tree bark brown; steady and stern and stable. ► if they were a vine/tiktok ➔ *standing at the bathroom door, glaring* if it breaks. one more time. don’t ––– shut your mouth. if it breaks while i’m sleeping, i will grab you by the neck and shove you down the shower drain. *continues to glare* ......... i’m going to take my shower now. *slowly and threateningly closes the door* ► if they were a taylor swift song ➔ daylight. ► aesthetic ➔ shattered handcuffs, ashes spread across the floor, delayed inhales and painful exhales, a pool of flowers at your feet ––– begin again. ► motto ➔ “no.” ► theme song ➔ sinnerman by nina simone.

𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟎𝟖.     ›     dominic joseph kim.

► hobbies ➔ yoga, meditation, brewery, skin and haircare routines, and swimming! a king stays busy. ► social media handles ➔ he’s domkimi on snapchat, instagram and twitter, but he’s baddiebbarbietingz on reddit. he has a tumblr account, but he refuses to tell the pack what his username is. ► conventional or creative contact ids ➔ creative. feel free to look through his phone, but good fucking luck figuring out who is who. ► favorite color ➔ gold. ► favorite video game ➔ sims 4. he gets the chance to actually build a sustainable life? with a family? in a house? with cheat codes? and love? and aliens? and lovers who become plants? sign him the fuck up. ► favorite song ➔ would you mind by prettymuch. good form by nicki minaj is a close runner-up. ‘cause he do, in fact, be the baddie b barbie tingz banging body b, everybody be on his d, cause he gotta be in reality–– ► favorite scent ➔ pizza! if it’s not good for you, why does it smell so good? make it make sense. ► favorite band/artist ➔ prettymuch. ► favorite place to be ➔ tate’s lab! it’s where he and owen do most of their brewing, aside from their field trips to the greenhouse to get more ingredients. it’s basically where dominic does his best and calmest work. close second is his own apartment, because he does yoga in the living room each morning. ► favorite season ➔ summer. ► favorite word ➔ cecelia. ► favorite meme ➔ who said that.gif. ► if they were an animal ➔ a turtle! specifically, one of the turtles from finding nemo. ► if they were a color ➔ blue. calm and collected. ► if they were a vine/tiktok ➔ so i said i’m a switch on tiktok, right ? and now all these ladies are comin’ out of the woodwork like, “hey, i got a strap-on and a dog collar with your name on it ! ” 😳😳 and i’m like... you put my name on it ? 😍👉👈  /// alternatively: theee necklace my boyfriend bought me just came in the mail *zoom in on necklace* ....I’M my boyfriend ! i bought this for myself ! EEE *excited grin* ► if they were a taylor swift song ➔ style. ► aesthetic ➔ the push and pull of a tidal wave, a dash of eyeliner here and a bit of mascara there, collared shirts and wrinkled jeans, overrated pop over a bluetooth speaker, a fascination with milkshakes and musicals, a heart that beats out of rhythm but never misses a step. ► motto ➔ “the birds work for the bourgeoisie.” ► theme song ➔ good thing by zedd and kehlani.

𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟎𝟗.     ›     elliot james aldridge.

► hobbies ➔ aside from his bathtub poetry and crime, he has revived his love of cooking and music. is masterful at the piano, guitar and harp, dabbles in cello and flute. he likes his music pretty, okay, sue him. ► social media handles ➔ redacted by the fcc. ► conventional or creative contact ids ➔ depends on how much he likes you! if you’re kosher, you get a creative name. if not... you get your own name. ► favorite color ➔ blood red. unironically. ► favorite video game ➔ he’s a poker man, but if he has to choose a video game, meet him in super smash brothers. ► favorite song ➔ say so by doja cat. ► favorite scent ➔ blood. ► favorite band/artist ➔ hozier. ► favorite place to be ➔ no offense, but the french quarter in new orleans. ► favorite season ➔ summer. ► favorite word ➔ self-care. ► favorite meme ➔ why would you say something so controversial, yet so brave? ► if they were an animal ➔ hyena. one of the asshole ones from lion king. ► if they were a color ➔ red. he’s not hiding that. ► if they were a vine/tiktok ➔ i’m not falling, i’m not falling, i’m not falling, i’m not falling, i’mnotfallingi’mnotfallingi’mnotfalling, i’m not f a l l i n g, i’m not FALLING, i’m not falling, i’m not falling, i’m not fALLING....... !! *deep breath* oKAY, i’m falling. /// alternative: the oNLY reason i have not destroyed the world is because i have not had ice cream in a while, i want some ice cream. but tRUST ME, when i get some ice cream ? your ass is grass and i’m the lawn mower ! ► if they were a taylor swift song ➔ ready for it? ► aesthetic ➔ a hoop of sterling silver, initials carved into dying trees, tempting eyes and a charming smile, cufflinks left on the nightstand, a prison cell and a funny story, top three buttons left undone, far too aware for his own damn good. ► motto ➔ "excuse me, i'm new in town and it gets worse." ► theme song ➔ sunlight by hozier.

𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟏𝟎.     ›     erica juliet reyes.

► hobbies ➔ tracking deucalion and peter, for one thing, but that’s more of a job than anything else. does raving count as a hobby? she’s officially taken up rock climbing, by the way. a huge slap in the face to her epilepsy. ► social media handles ➔ she changes her handles frequently, because she’s indecisive, she can’t decide–– but she’s currently reyofsunshine on everything. shoutout to fiona. ► conventional or creative contact ids ➔ creative and often explicit! ► favorite color ➔ sand brown, don’t @ her. ► favorite video game ➔ until dawn. understand the palm of my hand, bitch.... jesus hot sauce christmas cake.... what were you tweeting, hashtag there’s a freaking ghost after us? your fave could never! ► favorite song ➔ hot girl bummer by blackbear. ► favorite scent ➔ lucy or fee’s baking. she’ll come home just for that. ► favorite band/artist ➔ blackbear. ► favorite place to be ➔ at a party. she’s very into raves. ► favorite season ➔ summer. ► favorite word ➔ motherfucker. ► favorite meme ➔ respect the drip, karen. ► if they were an animal ➔ a horse. enticingly beautiful but will also kill you. ► if they were a color ➔ gold. not as pure as cora’s gold, but twice as inviting. ► if they were a vine/tiktok ➔ all i’m gonna say is that i didn’t take ap classes in high school, escape the friend zone, graduate with honors, get cheated on, go to college, mentally deteriorate, become addicted to nicotine, sign a year lease, drop a sorority, fail chemistry and dye my hair purple, just to cry over the frat boy leaving me on read that smokes weed for breakfast, lunch and dinner 💁🏼 ► if they were a taylor swift song ➔ false god. ► aesthetic ➔ push-up bras covered in black lace, smeared lipstick against the bathroom mirror, jeans that leave nothing to the imagination, a wolf that lies in wait and fears no god, the epitome of poison. ► motto ➔ “meanwhile, back at the ranch...” ► theme song ➔ needed me by rihanna.

𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟏𝟏.     ›     fiona evelyn porter.

► hobbies ➔ baking, pinterest, cheer, volleyball and softball. truly depends on the season. ► social media handles ➔ feezypeezyporter stays true to her brand. ► conventional or creative contact ids ➔ creative! her contact ids are indecipherable, the only people who can understand them are katie and cass. dom gave up. ► favorite color ➔ light green and light pink! ► favorite video game ➔ beat saber! ► favorite song ➔ love again by carly rae jepsen. ► favorite scent ➔ is.... is it gay to say cass? ► favorite band/artist ➔ carly rae jepsen. ► favorite place to be ➔ the loft! it really is her happiest place. alternatively, wherever cass is, ‘cause that’s home, babey! ► favorite season ➔ spring! baby sticks to her brand. ► favorite word ➔ braggadocio. how on EARTH is that a real word? ► favorite meme ➔ let me see what you have. a kNIFE! NO! ► if they were an animal ➔ cardinal. ► if they were a color ➔ green. the color of grass, covering everything, everything, everything. ► if they were a vine/tiktok ➔ *crying and sipping tea* it... is ver .... very b... bold of you to assume ............. ! *pained smile*  /// alternatively: ONE OF YOU FAT BITCHES UNFOLLOWED ME !!! *manic laughter* i’m not mad, but like...... *climbs onto bathroom sink and leans in very close* what was the last straw ? ► if they were a taylor swift song ➔ me! ► aesthetic ➔ bare lips passing over green leaves, a lullaby to a struggling orchid, spanks and sweat drops and a desperate need for approval, a digital scale blinking red numbers back at you, pills of white and blue and yellow, maybe tomorrow you’ll be happy again. ► motto ➔ “team work makes the dream work!” ► theme song ➔ work this out from the high school musical 2 soundtrack.

𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟏𝟐.     ›     hayden louisa romero.

► hobbies ➔ she has a love of sports. got into lacrosse before her imprisonment, though she was a little too fragile to play a real game. was a soccer star as a kid. also puts on glamour shows for the kids and the dogs, if they ask. ► social media handles ➔ she doesn’t have social media. imprisonment tingz. ► conventional or creative contact ids ➔ conventional. at best, you get an emoji or two at the end of your name. ► favorite color ➔ ocean blue. ► favorite video game ➔ will forever be weak for pokémon. ► favorite song ➔ 1985 by bowling for soup. timeless. ► favorite scent ➔ french vanilla. ► favorite band/artist ➔ she’s getting into melanie martinez. ► favorite place to be ➔ bias goes to being with the ito pack, but the preserve is pretty much paradise. ► favorite season ➔ winter. ► favorite word ➔ covenant. ► favorite meme ➔ and i oop––– ► if they were an animal ➔ manta ray. harmless babey. ► if they were a color ➔ prism clear. a maze of reflections, but so fucking breakable. ► if they were a vine/tiktok ➔ you mess with ME ? w ..... ! y...... ! *vague hand movements* you probably aren’t gonna experience any problems, because i’m afraid of confrontation !! /// alternative: *struggling to place lamp inside of another lamp* i JUST TOOK A TEN HOUR NAP ??? *panic* ► if they were a taylor swift song ➔ it’s nice to have a friend. ► aesthetic ➔ scars lifted among tanned skin, wary glances to read every room, crop tops floating above your belly, a lack of cares for a world that cares a little too much, marked skin and glossed lips, wanna make a deal with an angel? ► motto ➔ “my priority is me.” ► theme song ➔ i know by pink sweat$.

𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟏𝟑.     ›     judith wendy mayer-argent.

► hobbies ➔ biking! she does it primarily for work, but she also does it for fun. also, huge gamer. and protestor. baby keeps busy. ► social media handles ➔ mayerjude. she can make so many jokes out of her own last name, don’t tempt her. ► conventional or creative contact ids ➔ creative! unless it’s someone important or authoritative. then they get their own name. ► favorite color ➔ sunshine yellow. ► favorite video game ➔ fornite. ► favorite song ➔ sunday candy by donnie trumpet and the social experiment. ► favorite scent ➔ cupcakes! the frosting! the delicacy! ► favorite band/artist ➔ maroon 5. ► favorite place to be ➔ in the middle of a protest, rally or march. if she’s not in action, then what is she doing? ► favorite season ➔ spring. ► favorite word ➔ audit. ► favorite meme ➔ surprised pikachu. ► if they were an animal ➔ dolphin. ► if they were a color ➔ sunset orange. no, i will not elaborate. ► if they were a vine/tiktok ➔ *walking down the street* so we were peer reviewing papers in one of my classes aaaand this girl goes, “you use some FANCY LANGUAGE ! ” and i was like, “what word ? ” and she was like, “perpetuate.” .........on GOD, we gon’ get you a dictionary. ► if they were a taylor swift song ➔ don’t blame me. ► aesthetic ➔ sunflowers pushing up from freshly dug graves, a smile away to keep the doctors away, sprained wrists wrapped in inappropriate laughter, bruised knuckles and black eyes, drink in hand, swinging your hips to that voicemail left by your toxic ex-boyfriend. ► motto ➔ “just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming...” ► theme song ➔ modern love by david bowie.

𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟏𝟒.     ›     kali kaira laghari.

► hobbies ➔ knitting. she has abandoned all of her self-care and therapy ideals, now knits and talks to ghosts. mind ya business. ► social media handles ➔ she’s not on social media, either. ► conventional or creative contact ids ➔ conventional. she has no times for games. ► favorite color ➔ red. she’s a scorpio, what do you expect? ► favorite video game ➔ not to be controversial, but she’ll take mortal kombat any day. ► favorite song ➔ nintendo game by alessia cara. ► favorite scent ➔ tea! ► favorite band/artist ➔ alessia cara. ► favorite place to be ➔ aside from wherever rohan is, she prefers the bookstore. confrontations aside, it’s a very small space, quiet and relaxing. ► favorite season ➔ winter. ► favorite word ➔ goddess. and yes, for exactly the reason you think. ► favorite meme ➔ as a treat. ► if they were an animal ➔ scorpion. ► if they were a color ➔ smoky grey. everything’s a little hazy with this one. ► if they were a vine/tiktok ➔ *staring at the food on the table, slowly losing her mind while everyone else argues over murder* *holds head in hands* *bangs hands on table repeatedly, screaming* WHAT ARE WE THANKFUL FOR !!! ► if they were a taylor swift song ➔ i did something bad. ► aesthetic ➔ cross-legged sitting in the middle of the road, waiting for a new thrill, fingertips grazing the harsh blade beneath your skirt, popcorn and wine with a man you could’ve loved if you were both a little less fucked up, a question that should never be answered, a world-view that should never be defiled –––– and you did it all. ► motto ➔ “i don’t need permission or advice; just help.” ► theme song ➔ simmer by hayley williams. you should see me in a crown by billie eilish.

𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟏𝟓.     ›     kira fuyuko yukimura.

► hobbies ➔ she trains to keep herself calm. often talks with her fox nowadays; she wants to build trust. and given that kira is doing fuck all to deal with her issues, she needs someone to talk to her. she and her fox get along a lot better these days. she also runs, practices lacrosse maneuvers on her own and plays with lightbulbs.  ► social media handles ➔ she’s a simple woman: kyuki. cut the fluff, cut the extraness. also, kyuki is what she’s named her fox.  ► conventional or creative contact ids ➔ conventional, save for people who warrant a creative one. aka those whose names she doesn’t know. you would be surprised at how many there are. ► favorite color ➔ purple. ► favorite video game ➔ also a fan of animal crossing! ► favorite song ➔ ahead of myself by the ambassadors. ► favorite scent ➔ cinnamon. ► favorite band/artist ➔ the ambassadors. ► favorite place to be ➔ it’s dorky to say, but she likes being with her parents! they’re still in new york, so she doesn’t get that chance as much. however, her second favorite place to be is.... her bed. ► favorite season ➔ autumn. ► favorite word ➔ poppy. ► favorite meme ➔ guess i’ll die.png ► if they were an animal ➔ truly a fox. ► if they were a color ➔ steel blue. baby is electric. ► if they were a vine/tiktok ➔ i might be a BIG, DUMB, GAY BITCH ................ !! *smirks at camera* ► if they were a taylor swift song ➔ cruel summer. ► aesthetic ➔ a thunderstorm in your bedroom, leather gloves pulled over dainty hands, quick footwork and sly gazes, untied shoe laces dragging across the floor, leggings beneath skirts, quiet meditation before bed, sharp teeth poking into bruised lips. ► motto ➔ “yeah, this isn’t weird at all.” ► theme song ➔ fall in line by christina aguilera and demi lovato.

𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟏𝟔.     ›     liam stephen dunbar.

► hobbies ➔ lacrosse no longer counts as a hobby, considering he made it his entire life. does training with allison count as a hobby? does texting gwen bad jokes count? ‘cause that’s all he does, my guy. ► social media handles ➔ he’s dvnbcr on everything. ► conventional or creative contact ids ➔ conventional, until fiona gets her hands on his phone and changes his ids again. ► favorite color ➔ red. ► favorite video game ➔ he’s that guy who plays all of the 2k nba games. like, he has to stan. ► favorite song ➔ i don’t care by fall out boy. ► favorite scent ➔ turf. he’s a loser, what do you expect? ► favorite band/artist ➔ fall out boy and kendrick lamar are tied. ► favorite place to be ➔ the lacrosse field. he does not stray from his brand. ► favorite season ➔ autumn. lax season! ► favorite word ➔ shit. fuck is a close runner-up. ► favorite meme ➔ i’ve won.... but at what cost? ► if they were an animal ➔ rhinoceros.  ► if they were a color ➔ gray; that perfect intersection between white and black, good and bad, wolf and bomb. ► if they were a vine/tiktok ➔ *talking to his mom while she’s watching tv.* hey, mom? will you pause that? you know that guy i’m talking to is 6′4″? can’t wait to get my shit wrecked. so you are a bottom. ...wait. okay, i.... that’s not what you’re supposed to say! what am i supposed to say? don’t –– not that! *goes to sit next to her* i’m 👏 not 👏 a 👏 bottom 👏. bullshit. *confused look of betrayal* is this legal? have you ever done anything for anybody else? no, you’re a taker. /// alternatively: *trying to start a fire* hope so ! you gonna let the fire breathe or you gonna fuckin’ suffocate it ? i will end your goddamn short ass piece of shit useless life. ► if they were a taylor swift song ➔ this is why we can’t have nice things. ► aesthetic ➔ a rage that you can never quite tame, hand broken from too many punches, the green of fresh cut grass, car mileage piling up, miles and miles and miles left to go, bashful smiles and reddened skin. kid, you’re not nearly as bad as you think you are. ► motto ➔ “i blame scott.” ► theme song ➔ dr. whoever by aminé.

𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟏𝟕.     ›     lydia charlene martin.

► hobbies ➔ sewing clothes, throwing parties, picking up new languages, ruling the world, saving this pack from falling apart, doing everything in this goddamn house! ► social media handles ➔ queenlydia, but who’s surprised? ► conventional or creative contact ids ➔ convention meets creativity in lydia’s phone. everyone has their first name, with a lord/lady/duke/duchess/etc. attached to it. jackson is the only one with king, obviously. you know you’re in trouble when she attaches peasant to your name. good luck climbing your way back up the ladder. ► favorite color ➔ pink. ► favorite video game ➔ not to be controversial, but dead by daylight is that bitch. ► favorite song ➔ honey by kesha. ► favorite scent ➔ strawberries. ► favorite band/artist ➔ kesha. ► favorite place to be ➔ in jackson’s arms, she is not taking that back. ► favorite season ➔ winter. ► favorite word ➔ throne and jackson are tied. ► favorite meme ➔ why are you booing me? i’m right! ► if they were an animal ➔ swan. ► if they were a color ➔ purple. royalty is not a game, kids. ► if they were a vine/tiktok ➔ not a vine or tiktok, but yes, it’s me 💅🏽 & you guys are mad about it ohmygod i make y’all feel that 🤢 well, i just wanted to pop up here & show y'all how i'm doing ! i'm doing great. i'm looking great, i'm feeling great, y'know 💇🏽 i'm obviously over here very booked & busy, while you bitches over here are still looking raggedy & not doing shit ! hahaha ! WOW ! 💁🏽 but anyway, um, i just wanted to let y'all know i'm not going anywhere. so talk your shit, you shitholes ! you can't defeat a bad bitch ! you just cannot do that ! i rise above that ! EW 🤮 so i just wanted to say hey ! & that i'm here to stayyy ! & you gon' be mad everydayyy ! HAHAHA ! SUCCESS ! ► if they were a taylor swift song ➔ paper rings. ► aesthetic ➔ a crown that fits just perfect, newly manicured nails, breakfasts at tiffany’s and on decorated balconies, the picture on the altar, damp curls and loose braids, tight dresses and sinful heels, brave but never fearless. ► motto ➔ “i’m lydia fucking martin.” ► theme song ➔ okay, okay by alessia cara.

𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟏𝟖.     ›     scott lucas mccall.

► hobbies ➔ video games! he also likes helping the pack renovate whenever they decide to. though he has put fiona on a limit. after she redesigned her room five times in two weeks, he finally had to put his foot down. ► social media handles ➔ he is the most disorganized of the bunch. he’s scootermccall on snapchat, scottymccall on instagram, scotthewmccall on twitter because he’s weak for whatever fiona asks. it’s a mess, but he’s not changing. ► conventional or creative contact ids ➔ conventional, but with lots of emojis to show he cares. ► favorite color ➔ red. ► favorite video game ➔ he wants to say mario kart, because that’s his and lucy’s thing and, um, he’s in love with her. but other than that! life is strange. he hasn’t figured out how to win yet, but gosh dammit, that’s not going to stop him from trying.  ► favorite song ➔ dna by lia marie johnson. ► favorite scent ➔ lucy’s perfume! ► favorite band/artist ➔ panic! at the disco. ► favorite place to be ➔ at the vet! he’s so happy when he’s around animals and it feels good to know that he’s helping these animals get better? ► favorite season ➔ summer. ► favorite word ➔ lucy. ► favorite meme ➔ i’ll be honest, i can’t read. ► if they were an animal ➔ golden retriever. ► if they were a color ➔ yellow. speaks for itself. ► if they were a vine/tiktok ➔ i had an essay that was due at 11:59. instead of being a smart, responsible student, i decided to wait until 11:40 .... to START my essay. i finished the essay on time. but the gag is............. it was a five-page essay. and i got it done in sixteen minutes. *dancing* they gon’ hate me regardless, that’s why i do what i do ► if they were a taylor swift song ➔ state of grace. ► aesthetic ➔ a lighthouse drawing in the lost, the open door of a sunken ship, wrongly buttoned plaid shirts, clumsy fingers and stumbling feet, saddened eyes that follow healing hands, the suspension of disbelief ––– whatever that means. ► motto ➔ “everything will work out!” ► theme song ➔ only the young by taylor swift.

𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟏𝟗.     ›     tatum coretta bellfleur.

► hobbies ➔ nanotech mechanics! she learned as a way to make things for owen and amari that they couldn’t afford to buy. won a few competitions, got a few scholarships, got into programs that taught her how to do greater things than she’d ever imagined. took up baton twirling at devenford, but gave it up when she got to college. fiona is trying to convince her take it up again next year. ► social media handles ➔ she’s tatertot on everything, courtesy of one judith mayer. ► conventional or creative contact ids ➔ conventional. keep it simple, thanks. ► favorite color ➔ silver! it’s so pretty. ► favorite video game ➔ death stranding. no, she will not elaborate. ► favorite song ➔ mo money mo problems by notorious b.i.g.  ► favorite scent ➔ flowers! ► favorite band/artist ➔ tupac. yes, she is that bitch. ► favorite place to be ➔ her lab. ► favorite season ➔ winter. ► favorite word ➔ free. ► favorite meme ➔ you know i had to do it to ‘em. ► if they were an animal ➔ doe. ► if they were a color ➔ white. no matter how much she hates being protected, she’s the picture of purity. ► if they were a vine/tiktok ➔ *sitting in front of a mirror.* maybe.......... i’m the problem 🤨 ► if they were a taylor swift song ➔ out of the woods. ► aesthetic ➔ a blanket of snow covering the grime and pain of yesterday, contained explosions and soft humming, tight ponytails breaking cheap rubber bands, tongue poking out the side of your mouth, the sun peeking through the slits of your blinds, wondering where you’ve been these last couple’a days. ► motto ➔ “i’ve lived through this before, i’ll live through it again.” ► theme song ➔ 100 years by florence and the machine.

[dopcmine]

   ⋆     𝑰𝑵𝑻𝑹𝑶𝑫𝑼𝑪𝑰𝑵𝑮 —  * ⋆ ╰  hey , did you happen to see DAMON NAM on campus today ? you know , the JEON JUNGKOOK look-alike in our seven am class ? yeah , that SENIOR . ah , well they had their SILVER NECKLACE on their desk this morning and left without it . i wanted to return it … but i have to get to class in five minutes . wait , don’t you see them around at THE APARTMENTS ? oh , great ! can you bring it to HIM then ? ugh , thank you so much. you’re the best ! now i know they get the rep of being EGOCENTRIC but you don’t have to worry . they’re always MAGNETIC . and who knows , maybe you two’ll hit it off ! i know that they’re a INTERNATIONAL BUSINESS major too . well , i have to jet before i miss my exam but i’ll catch you at the frat party later , right ? oh , you should bring DAMON ! it’s always fun having the PLAYBOY around .

𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒄𝒔 :

fullname: damon nam

nicknames: none

age: twenty-three

d.o.b: april 15, 1996

zodiac: aries sun, leo moon, scorpio rising

gender: cismale

sexuality: bisexual

occupation: tattoo artist @ body electric tattoo and piercing 

𝒔𝒐𝒄𝒊𝒂𝒍 𝒎𝒆𝒅𝒊𝒂 :

twt & insta handle: p7ayboy

insta followers: 1.3m

twt followers: 1m

tik tok: 750k

𝒂𝒆𝒔𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒕𝒊𝒄 :

cruisin’ around l.a with the windows down, drinking cold beers on a hot summer afternoon, old school music playing loudly from his apartment, late night kbbq dates with the gang, old childhood scars from fights and playing outside until late evening, silver jewelry around his neck and wrists, street racing, rolling blunts on the hood of his car, face smudge with oil and sweat working on his car, stumbling around the city on the lookout for his favorite food trucks, tattoos up to his neck and down his arms all the way to his back, a gold virgin mary necklace hanging from his rear view mirror, belting out to romantic spanish music drunk and slurring the words, always moving forward and never looking back, selfish tendencies, playing with people like a deck of cards, carrying a butterfly knife with him at all times

𝒃𝒂𝒄𝒌𝒈𝒓𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒅 :

born and raised in east los angeles, damon had to grow up a little faster than his peers. he comes from a working class family, his parents both public school teachers trying to get by like every other family. being one of the very little korean-american families in maravilla, damon used to get picked on and bullied to the point he refused to get out of bed in his early elementary days. but like any kid, he made friends with some of the neighborhood kids that went to the same school he did, and they stuck by his side. it gave damon the confidence to stand up for himself now that he had his little group to the point he repeated the bad words they taught him in spanish to the same little boys that would pick on him, not knowing what it meant but knowing it was something about their moms that caused one his many first fights to break out in the school yard. after that, damon and his little band of misfits became a little notorious for getting into scuffles with other students. 

he stayed in maravilla up until high school, venturing north to a new house due to his dad being offered the position of principal at a junior high. damon went on to attend lincoln high school but it wasn’t hard to fit in, nor was it difficult to fall into step with a new group of friends ( some of which he knew from his earlier days when he used to sneak out of his house with his friend and venture off ). high school was a ride, even if damon had found a place where he belonged people still loved to talk shit and damon loved nothing more than confrontation. he got into fights behind grocery stores, there was fights in empty parking lots where groups of people showed up before everyone scattered the moment they heard cop sirens down the street. damon did get caught once for a misdemeanor the summer before sophomore year and his parents had to get him out which was a hell of a ride home, both his parents almost losing their voices taking turns yelling at him. 

it was that moment that his parents made him attend mandatory after school classes, starting smack in the middle of summer. it’s safe to say he was very angry about it but found no outlet to get it out on when he was confined to the library. he started doodling instead of doing his homework while he was in there, soon off he started drawing more and he had talent. he could draw any picture you put in front of him just by looking at it, and soon he started to create his own. that very same summer, on one of the rare days his parents let him out to go to one his friend’s birthday party, he met their older brother, covered in tattoos from his legs to his arms. old english font and a portrait of a woman he later learned was his wife. he was entranced by the ink that decorated the man, asking him questions as the man grilled the carne asada, coughing every once in a while the smoke blew in his direction. 

too keep it short, damon wanted to do that. he wanted to draw permanent drawings on people and he wanted his own. he drew more, filling more sketchbooks with his own ideas and interpretations of others. he started working odd jobs after school, trying to save up for his own tattoo gun and ink, even venturing off to tattoo shops to observe them before he got told to scram. at the age of sixteen he had his own set and it wasnt long before his friends lined up to get their first tattoos done by damon. just little small things that didn’t require damon to worry too much about safety and health. the first tattoo he made on himself was a lucky eight ball and a match, now faded on the sides of his fingers. 

at seventeen his got his fake id not only for booze but to get a job at a parlor -- not tattooing -- but cleaning up after them, keeping the store tidy and clean. he had a car at the time, an old beat up chevy, and it took him thirty minutes to get to body electric. the owner new damon was underage but he let him work anyway. point is, he was taken under his wing and became an intern, an apprentice, and by the time damon hit eighteen and got his tattoo license, he was able to work a couple hours at first. from 18 to now, damon has been in the same place with a booming following on social media -- which is thanks to his good looks and talent. 

he’s been wanting to drop out of ucla because of how in-demand he is now. he’s tattooed celebrities, from socialites to rappers to all sorts of people. he hooks up his old friends from where he grew up for free, and his close friends at school too. but overall, damon makes hella bank now. which is why he finds school pointless, however, the owner of the parlor he works out told him that if he didn’t finish his bachelors he’ll fire him. the owner definitely grew to treat damon as a son, and wants him to venture out and travel with his talent, but he wants him to be smart about it and learn the ropes of the business industry. it’s why damon stays despite not being too happy about it, but it’s his last year and he’s going to make it one shot of patron at a time. 

𝒇𝒖𝒏 𝒇𝒂𝒄𝒕𝒔: 

damon is trilingual -- english, korean, and spanish ( considering he grew up in a heavily latinx/chincax neighborhood as a child, the language latched on to him ). 

he’s very appreciative of the chicanx culture because he grew up around it, and they took him in despite not being chicanx himself he was still treated as family by his close friends. ( and also because i’m biased to my own culture and east los is heavily mexican/latinx )

he almost joined a gang but it was around the time he was forced into after school study where he found his outlet through art. 

he knows how to dance pero like cumbias and shit, he’s hella good at it.

damon makes it his goal to be good at everything, it doesn’t even matter what it is. 

he has a bmw he fixed up and uses it for street racing -- races which he wins most of the times ( just ask dae lmao ). 

he can drive under the influence of weed but i do not condone this behavior !! but he can do it, but he’s beent doing it, don’t try this at home guys, or alone. 

damon was a little heartthrob in high school though, going out with the girls and hooking up with some guys. 

he was honestly one of the popular kids growing up, he was in THAT group that people longed to be a part of because they were always out mobbing, drinking, throwing parties and being out. they had fun, but they were also notorious trouble-makers. 

his tik tok thing started as a joke because damon looked like the eboys that began to trend and now he has dae help him film them just for the hell of it, because why not. he’s got nothing to lose, it’s a good laugh in the end. 

is a gym rat, he’s out there doing weights and bulking up and boxing because sometimes he just wants to procrastinate his homework and that’s valid, plus he’s gotta stay in shape with all that heavy drinking and weed intake. 

patron is his best friend -- after dae of course lmao.

damon’s actually never been in love??? like he’s had maybe three s/o’s but it was never that serious? except maybe for his first one? but he’s never experienced something where he feels genuine care for a person and love, it’s mostly just lust and like the need to experience what it’s like being with someone but it never rlly takes off

𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒅 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒏𝒆𝒄𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔:

gang shit: this one’s already taken up by whoever’s in the no homo chat but like, let me plot out dynamics with you all cause ion know how damon is gonna treat y’all characters if we don’t talk about it lmao

enemies: damon could always use some tbh, those are fun because damon grew up around people that have given him a hard time and he isn’t one to back down from a good altercation 

an ex: listen, damon isn’t that great of a person he probably cheated on them only because he didn’t know they were exclusive and frankly, he doesn’t really even remember agreeing to be something but they were and even if damon knew, he still went ahead and did it.

highschool sweetheart, THE ex: listen this one is...particular and super specific. must be a girl/nb but latinx because i picture this being the person who really really taught damon more than he already knew, from dancing to romantic spanish music, etc. perhaps they weren’t in love but they did care about each other, damon even still has a gift i picture she gave him ( a gold virgin mary necklace ) hanging from his rear view mirror. this is like...when we can take up more chars ig? idk just thought i’d write it down

flings: hookups ig? except not people involved with dae cause he isn’t about to fuck no sloppy seconds lmao, if not he venturing out to usc away from ucla lmaooo

idk what else to add im so tired and this is so late and i just want to post it, so if y’all got anything else just hmu tbh

[ratmonologue]

odd numbers

THAT’S A LOT OF ODD NUMBERS

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?Uhh I guess water bottles, but the refillable kind, because I like being environmentally friendly when I can~

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?neither tbh. cotton candy if I absolutely had to pick but ehhhh

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?I like the fancy old timey glass soda bottles a lot. I pretty much only ever drink tamarind jarritos these days though, and I buy it by the big bottle bc it’s cheaper, so… I guess glass cups more frequently. though not even cups because all of my drinking glasses are old pasta sauce jars…

7. earbuds or headphones?earbuds

9. favorite smell in the summer?barbecue with a side of fruity and refreshing beverages. alternately, that faint, specific ice-cold-river-in-dry-pine-forest-mountain-air scent that I associate with summers at camp and the tahoe area in general. I miss that

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?lately, croissants

13. lanyard or key ring?key ring

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?HAMLET but also most shakespeare plays

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

they’re v comfy

19. sleeping position?on my side. it varies which side

21. obsession from childhood?S P A C E. specifically black holes I was OBSESSED(it never really faded)

23. strange habits?sometimes I spit in toilets while they’re flushing, I guess that’s pretty strange. no idea why or how that started

25. first song you remember hearing?probably something by Enya

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?stay inside and play Skyrimor just horse around in the snow, if there is snow, but I haven’t lived anywhere with snow for years

29. best way to bond with you?have in-depth discussions about character arcs in semi-obscure sci-fi media

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?the above boots, favorite jeans, uh... really any random black tanktop and button-down shirt? that’s just my day to day outfit really

33. most used phrase in your phone?I have no idea how I would even look that up

35. average time you fall asleep?hahahHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA that’s a good one….

37. suitcase or duffel bag?I’m actually a fan of my big backpacking backpack

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?not a massive fan of either but I guess lemon cake

41. last person you texted?I’m simultaneously texting you, Belle, and also the pretty dude I’m dating

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?honestly all of those except cardigan. hoodies for being lazy around the house/office and/or layering; the others for going outdoors

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?I like combinations of sci-fi and fantasy. I’m sick to death of superheros

47. favorite type of cheese?oohhhh that’s a hard one because I like a lot of cheese, but it’s hard to beat the versatility of good ol’ pepper jack

49. what saying or quote do you live by?I don’t really have one tbh

51. current stresses?work and being sick

53. what is the current state of your hands?in front of me on my laptop keyboard as I type this….?

55. favorite fairy tale?shit you know what…….I forget most of them

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?freshman year of college, the summer after freshman year of college, and I guess depression but who knows if that’s ever truly overcome

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?“yeah that’s fair.” dunno what kind of video game would have context for that but I’ve been saying it too much recently

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?but there are sO MANY GOOD LINES IN SO MANY GOOD BOOKS AND SHOWS AND MOVIES AND STUFF

63. five songs that would play in your club?I don’t listen to any music that would really work in a club setting so I’m just gonna say the mos eisley cantina music from star wars, unironically

65. any permanent scars?probably a few small ones

67. good luck charms?my brain, when it functions

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?duck penises

71. least favorite pattern?patterns of continuing abuse I guess? those are pretty shittyif you mean like, fabric, uh idk I’m not a fan of houndstooth

73. favorite weird flavor combo?I don’t think any of the combos I like are that weird, though…. chocolate and bacon, maybe?? but that’s still A Thing. Tamarind whiskey sours?? idk

75. when did you lose your first tooth?I think I was six and it was wiggly and flopping forward and I tried to push it back behind the non-wiggly teeth and there was a *crack* and a shitton of blood and then it wasn’t in my mouth at all anymore. I was a lil freaked out

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?I like succulents and bamboo but I haven’t managed to keep any plants alive long-term

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?driver’s license. and both the DL and the old school IDs look better than my passport photos

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?Aren’t they the same thing….? Maybe….? (don’t hurt me I’ve never lived in a place that had either)

83. writing or drawing?Both, not that I’ve been doing much of either lately

85. fairy tales or mythology?I guess mythology but they can be related

87. your greatest fear?Dying in obscurity? Being forgotten? Plane crashes? Jellyfish?

89. who would you put before everyone else?Urdnot Wrex from Mass Effect

91. boxes or bags?They both serve important yet different functions and can’t really be swapped out for the other-

93. nicknames?nah

95. favorite app on your phone?discord and groupme so I can talk to all my friendos

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?mine, my mom’s, possibly my dad’s, and our ancient landline that’s been out of commission for over a decade but is still attached to our safeway club card so

[alicedoessurveys]

VERY long survey

Where have you lived throughout your life? 

Birmingham UK

Do you find your job rewarding? 

N/A

What kind of cake did you have for your last birthday? 

chocolate

To you, which is better: English muffins or bagels? 

I enjoy both, but bagels.

Do you paint your nails? 

yes. although they're not painted at the moment because ive been cleaning the house so much the past couple days and its stripped my varnish off

What’s the last website you signed up for? 

a dating thing

Do you check your email everyday? 

yes, I cant stand having the little red number above the mail app 

Have you created any pages on Facebook?

yes but I dont have them anymore

Is there a subject that you absolutely suck at? 

every subject, but especially maths and science 

What’s your favourite song by Dave Matthews Band? 

I dont know any 

Are there people you have absolutely nothing in common with, but still enjoy talking to? 

I dot particularly enjoy talking to anyone :’)

Have you ever wandered around drunk with your friend? 

yes, we wondered around through the middle of Birmingham at 4am 

Are you good at holding back your laughter if needed? 

haha nope

Have you ever been so unfortunate to suffer from a hangover?

yes

Have you ever had a panic attack? 

many, I had to drop out of college because of them 

Are you deathly allergic to anything? 

nope

Have you ever had a mouse in your house? 

nope

Do you know anyone who DOESN’T have an ex? 

myself 

Is anyone you know really religious? 

my family

Are your eyebrows naturally thick? 

yes

Has speaking in front of people ever made you sick? 

not physically sick, but definitely felt it. the worst experience Ive had with speaking was in college when I had to give a speech then teach a 10 minute class. my throat totally dried up and I literally couldnt speak. everyone just stared at me and I was trying so hard not to cry. longest 10 minutes of my life and as soon as it finished I legged it out the room and burst into tears. 

What was the last movie that made you teary-eyed? 

Mary Poppins Returns almost got me but the last film to actually make me cry was Coco. That shit had me SOBBING!

Have you had two friends that absolutely hated each other? 

yes 

Has a laptop ever burned your legs? 

not really, I put a cushion on my lap normally

Do you know anyone who has a scar through their eyebrow?

no

Who was the last person to flip you off? 

probably rhys, as a joke

Anyone’s birthday coming up soon? 

my dad turns 50 next week

Would you ever wear fake eyelashes? 

I have done a few times but they annoy me

Are you good at following directions? 

no no no I get confused very easily

Do you have someone that you can just act a fool with and not care? 

yes rhys 

From where you’re sitting, can you touch a wall? 

if I reach behind me 

When at a restaurant, do you put your napkin on your lap? 

occasionally, it depends where I am and what im eating 

Do you prefer electric or manual pencil sharpeners? 

manual 

Are your biceps at all noticeable? 

they used to be before they went into hiding under a layer of fat 

Have you ever seen a walrus? 

nope

When it comes to dropping food, do you believe in the 10 second rule? 

no, I believe in the ‘what food is it’ and ‘how dirty is the floor’ rules

If given the opportunity, would you ride on a camel? 

yes. I was supposed to have gone on a camel ride in Tunisia ages ago but I was ill so we didn't get to go 

Do you believe that cellphones actually do cause cancer?

they could be. the number of people getting cancer has gone up a lot since everyone has mobile phones 

When people you know cry, does it make you feel like crying too? 

depends who it is 

Do you tend to jump to conclusions? 

yes. Im an anxious person so im constantly overthinking and I also find people really hard to read and can get

Are you good at remembering your friends’ birthdays? 

yes my brain cant remember important things but when it comes to dates its like a sponge 

Is there something you need to do, that you’re trying to avoid doing? 

getting a job

Ever pop someone else’s pimple? 

ew no

How long does it take you to fall asleep? 

about 15 minutes depending on how tired I am 

Do you crack your neck often?

no that freaks me out 

Did you have a weird dream last night? 

not that I can remember, I have been having a lot of weird dreams this week because im ill

Who do you sometimes compare yourself to? 

everyone. especially when im at the theatre, im constantly watching other people and wishing I could act like they can or look like them or have their style 

Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? 

both

In what way are you your own worst enemy? 

every way, I dont look after myself at all 

What activities make you lose track of time? 

sims

When you help someone do you ever think, “What’s in it for me?” 

not really 

Who do you tell your secrets to? 

these surveys 

Who do you live with? 

my parents and our foster kids 

When did/will you graduate? 

I didn't 

When are you moving next? 

I have no idea. probably never 

When is the last time you took a vitamin? 

this morning, im fighting a cold 

Why are you stressed? 

im not too bad right now tbh

Do you need to return anyone’s phone call? 

nope

Where do you keep your birth certificate? 

no clue, my mom has it somewhere 

How many books are in your room?

a lot. I have quite a few on display and a whole bunch hidden away in my closet because theres no space for them anywhere else. I'll include some photos of the books in my room;

(the book on my bedside table in the second picture is actually a lamp that lights up when you open it)

Have you ever been IN a wedding? 

nope

What was the last thing you laughed out loud at?

probably my mom 

Do you have a nickname? Why? 

my family call my bongy or Ali bong, I dont know why.. (my name is Alice)

Have you ever had a bad concert experience? 

nope

When was the last time someone told you that you were beautiful/good-looking? Do people often tell you this? 

my mom tells me almost every day but Im like youre my mom of course you would say that 

Are you missing someone of the opposite sex atm? 

no

Want someone back in your life? 

meh

Are you currently sad about anything? 

actually nope

Are you wearing anything shiny? 

my pj top has glittery silver letters on

How important is a sense of humor in a significant other? 

very, I fall very easily for people who make me laugh

How many followers do you have on Twitter? 

198 (@alicethenerd if ya wanna follow 😉)

Do you sleep with the door open or closed? 

closed. I aint about letting those murderers and monsters just waltz straight in easy peasy 

Have you ever been to the beach? 

yes every summer since I was a kid 

Can you handle blood? 

nope

Do you pay your bills or do your parents?

I pay my own bills. no way my dad would be up for paying my bills, he already digs at me constantly about the fact that I live rent free even though I look after the foster kids and tidy the house more than he does

What’s your best friend’s middle name? 

Connor

Has any place hired you underage for a job? 

not officially

Have you ever barely passed a grade/year in school? 

yes

Have you ever carried a concealed weapon? 

no

Have you ever tried to sell something overpriced to someone? 

no

Do you plan to become very wealthy some day? 

I hope to become wealthy enough to not worry about having enough money to put fuel in my car anymore and to be able to pay back my parents and grandad for everything they've done for me 

Do you remember your first time going to the movies? 

no, but my earliest cinema memory was going to watch Monsters Inc with my dad when it was first released 

Does eating breakfast make you sick? 

if I try to eat before a certain time yes

Are you dying to say something to someone right this minute?

not dying to nope

Book series you enjoyed reading recently? 

im reading eve of man atm which apparently is going to be a series

Do you enjoy lying in the grass during the summer, and just existing? 

I prefer lying on a blanket, I dont like the feel of grass and I dont like the bugs crawling around 

Do you have a passport? If so, how many stamps do you have in it? 

yes, it doesn't have many stamps in because I lost the one that did have lots in and I havent been away much since getting the new one 

Are there any keys on your keyboard that have letters fading away? 

nope

Do any of your close friends have children? 

no

What do you plan on having for dinner?

we already had dinner, we had chippy

Do you like Chinese food, or do you find it disgusting? 

I only really like one meal 

Have the police ever come knocking on your door looking for someone? 

actually yes, literally a few weeks ago

Know anybody who works in a tattoo parlor? 

yes, my second cousin 

Have you ever played flashlight tag?

ive never heard of it

Could you call yourself a movie buff?

not really, im a huge movie fan but theres still a lot I need to see 

Have you ever had a piercing get infected?

never had a piercing 

Do you check your fire alarms when you’re supposed to? 

dad does it

Are you a shorts wearing kind of person? 

nope nope nope, my legs are not suitable for public viewing :’)

Is your grandparents’ house obsessively tidy?

not really no. my nan and grandpa’s house is always neat but not obsessively neat. my grandads house is full of clutter because my nan was a hoarder 

About how much can you bench press? 

I dont know, I havent lifted in years 

Have you ever had your phone die on you in the middle of a conversation? 

yes

Is anybody in your family a carpenter? 

no

Are you avoiding someone? 

yes

Do you call your boyfriend “Monkey”? 

I dont have a boyfriend but if I did I doubt id call him monkey

What’s your favorite primary color? 

yellow #hufflepuffpride

What were you for Halloween? 

nothing, I didn't dress up 

Do you have any clothes from Walmart? 

nope, we dont have Walmart here

When did you get a Facebook? 

about 10 years ago 

What color are your eyes? 

green/hazel

What motivates you? 

happiness

Can you walk in heels? 

nope

When was the last time someone asked you your age? 

the other day, my own mother forgot how old I was

Do you keep a journal? 

not really

Have you ever tried a weird flavor of vodka? 

never had vodka

Do you wear a ring on your finger? 

occasionally

What are you doing? 

watching ‘the greatest dancer’ and wondering if this survey is ever going to end 

What’s the last kind of soup you ate?

tomato 

Do you currently have a sunburn?

no. its winter

Who did you last text? 

my sister

Who’d you last call? About what? 

my mom, to ask her to come downstairs and let the dogs out because the baby was asleep on me and there was no way I was going to risk waking her up

Are you currently frustrated with someone? 

yes

Do you drink water or soda more often? 

water

Do you straighten your hair?

yes

When did you last talk to your brother or sister? 

today

What is your least favorite vegetable? 

all of them

Outside of family, name 3 people that make you smile/laugh often. 

Rhys, Addison, Jacob

In school, what subjects did you achieve your highest grades in? 

IT

Was there a subject that you enjoyed, but weren’t too good at? 

I didn't really enjoy any subjects at school

When was the last time something didn’t go to plan? What happened? 

today. I had planned to deep clean the bathroom but I went super dizzy and had to give up half way through cleaning 

Do you have any children? If not, at what age do you think you’ll feel ready to be a parent? 

I dont but I am seriously considering adopting one of our foster babies atm. I want to adopt anyway, theres no way I could be pregnant 

When was the last time you bought a new item of clothing?Describe it. 

I honestly cant remember, im due a shopping trip

Was your last Facebook friend request from a male or female?

female

Do you have an item of clothing that makes you feel especially beautiful? Describe it. 

not really no

Think of the last person that betrayed you. If they said they were sorry, would you forgive them? 

I would cautiously forgive him but I would also make sure he knew that how he treated me was not okay and that he really upset me and this would be his last chance. but tbh I think hes done with me so 🤷🏻‍♀️

Nastiest thing you’ve ever done? 

I dont know, I dont like being nasty

Have you ever been in a lighthouse? 

nope

What colour is your shower? 

I think its silver, ive ever actually noticed

Where do you order your pizza from?

dominos

When is the last time you had a serious talk with someone?

few days ago 

Do you find that you have a certain meal you eat every time you go to certain restaurants? 

yes, im a creature of habit

What colour is your bike?

silver & purple

What word can you not stand to hear people say? 

the c word, I cant even type it

What room of your house are you in? 

living room 

What is the temperature in your city right now? 

9°c

When did you last use a post-it-note?

last week in the script for the show im currently working on 

Would you ever want to own your own restaurant? 

yes

Do you have a fan in your bedroom? 

no I dont like them, they make too much noise 

Who is the last person that you took a picture with? 

one of our foster kids 

When is the last time you were stuck in a fairly long traffic jam?

the weekend before christmas 

Do you have certain friends that you hug every time you see them? 

not many

When was your most recent trip to an aquarium? 

almost two years ago 

What do you like in your salads and what dressing do you prefer? 

I dont like salads

If it has one, do you ever use the notepad function in your phone? 

all the time, Im constantly writing lists or reminders to myself 

How good would you say your memory is?

long term good, short term bad

About how many times during the night do you wake up from your sleep? 

a few times

Are there any air fresheners in your house? What kinds? 

multiple, we have plugs in and sprays and those automatic ones that go off every 15 minutes 

What’s one thing you’re glad you’ve done recently?

done my laundry :’) im on my last pair of pants!

Have you ever done something sexual that you regret? 

no

Do you like to sit in the sun and tan when it’s hot out? 

not really, I dont like being too hot

Ever had a person who was obsessed with you so much that it scared you? 

no

Can you drive, and if you can, do you like it? 

yes, I love driving most of the time 

Have you ever said anything to the last person you kissed that you regret? 

no

Do you like french fries?

yes

Have you ever eaten so much you puked?

not since I was a kid 

Do you care about what others think of your physical appearance? 

annoyingly yes

Would you rather go to Greece or France?

greece

[remade-graystudie]

how i got a 29 the first time i took the act

i just wanted to give you guys some tips! not all of these work for everyone though so keep that in mind. also, i am going to take the test again in april for those interestedin knowing

to preface: i took the test while pretty sick and it was the morning after the opening night for a Christmas dinner i do each year, so i got maybe 6 hours of sleep. not the best conditions

my scores

composite score of 29

english score of 31

mathematics score of 26

reading score of 31

science score of 29

science, technology, engineering, and mathematics (STEM) score of 28

understanding complex texts of "above proficient"

progress toward career readiness of "progress toward gold level NCRC"

some general tips

choose a test center close to you. you will not want to wake up for the test. you will not want to drive there. it doesnt matter if youre unfamiliar with the place, people will be there to help you. but bring your own pencils and an eraser, they probably wont help you with those.

try to get as much sleep as possible. i didnt get much so to force myself awake i took a cold shower, but no caffeine because i feared crashing.

my breakfast that day was just some poptarts while i drove to the testing center, but i started to get hungry during the break. for the next test, im going to plan better and eat some cereal or toast.

take advantage of all leftover time. for me this meant going back to the questions i was super unsure of and making sure im satisfied with my answer choice as well as making sure all bubbles on my answer sheet were filled in enough. it also meant taking 5 minute naps where i drooled on the test booklet a little. oops?

use your break wisely. the testing center i was at had vending machines so i borrow a dollar from my friend and ate some m&m's as a pick me up. i also put a bunch of cough drops in my jacket pocket. after i did this in the span of like 3 minutes i went back to my room and took a nap.

take advantage of the fact that everything is multiple choice (except the essay portion, obviously) because it reallycomes in handy.

i didnt really struggle with nerves because i went into the test with the mindset "i get what i get". i had done what i felt was necessary to prepare and i knew this wouldnt be my last time. realistically, my act or sat score could be the thing that keeps me from entering my dream college (a school with a 7% admission rate and average act score of 34) but i am happy with my other choices of colleges. i have done all that i can do (which in this case was like.. 3 days of studying).

my biggest overall tip: know what the test will be like. know the order of the tests, the number of questions, and the time limits. this will leave no surprises. i was really glad i did this because i always knew what was coming.

tips for individual portions

english portion

75 multiple choice questions with four possible answers in 45 minutes.

dont read the entirety of the passage! read the first paragraph and the last paragraph before you read the questions then for each question skim for the info you need to properly answer the question. this allows you to spend more time with each question and to focus only on whats necessary.

brush up on word groups like there/their/they're, it's/its, and two/too/to. a lot of these questions are about following grammatical rules.

math portion

60 multiple choice questions with five possible answers in 60 minutes.

do what you know first. i almost ran out of time because i couldnt remember some things and spent too long on them so when i got to questions i knew at the end i was rushing and panicking and probably got some wrong.

if youre not sure how to do a problem, guess and check to the best of your abilities. guess and check works wonders.

reading portion

40 multiple choice questions with four possible answers in 35 minutes.

tbh i thought this was really similar to the english part so similar tips. but if the passage is on the short side, just read the whole thing.

science portion

40 multiple choice questions with four possible answers in 35 minutes.

real talk, i thought i bombed this portion like i walked out thinkin it was the reason id do so badly.

do NOT treat this like the english and reading portions! read the entirety of everything! redraw, rewrite, and rename things if you need to!

this part really focuses on graph interpretation and they will try to screw you over so hard with names of things. make sure you know how to interpret graphs well.

this was the only section where i rechecked every single answer. i was so used to the sat that i didnt know how to handle a science portion. it freaked me out.

essay portion

1 essay based on a promot in 40 minutes.

i didnt actually take this part because the only college on my list that says anything about it just recommends it and that school happens is my safety college. if youre really confident it will help your composite score, then take it. i chose not to mainly because im lazy and i didnt want to take the risk of it hurting my score even though i thought it could help since i write pretty strong essays, even under time constraints like id experience on the test.

some final tips

the act company sells a book. buy the book. its genuinely super helpful and im so glad i chose to buy it. i know some people use ones from outside sources, but i dont trust those as much. the official book is actually where i got a lot of my tips from.

take the test multiple times. i took the test in december because i knew i was unfamiliar with the formatting and wanted to have a basis for comparing my april score too. if i still am not happy with my april score, i plan on retaking it during the summer.

pay the extra $20 dollars to get your answers sent to you. it is quite literally the easiest and fastest way to see what you need to focus and improve on.

if you know youre taking the test, sign up as soon as possible. at the very least, sign up before youd have to pay the late fee.

dont add your picture until its like almost the last day. im the kind of person who changes uo my appearance often, specifically my hair color. if i uploaded a picture for the april date now, id be blonde in the picture even though ill probably have brown hair when i take the test.

a reminder

dont peace your self worth on this test. could it impact what college you go to? sure. but whether or not you did student council could too. im very proud of my score, but its not my end all be all. im more proud of the way i fold clothes or how organized my closet is than my act score.

good luck on all your tests everyone ❤️💕

[perfectionistincrisis]

Day 56 - 62

This has been a hard one. So you know how Ramadan is the month you fast and al and your supposed to strengthen your spirituality and all. Well Ramadan went well Alhamdulillah but it is more like all these things happened to me this one week more compared to during Ramadan. 

So I started walking on the treadmill. I planned on 2 hours a day but ended up doing one hour everyday. Well when i decided on 2hrs it was what i ‘preferred’. 1hr, duh, is the ‘minimum’ and more than 2 hours is highly appreciable but im still proud i could at least do the bare minimum this week yay! well proud is exaggeration tbh, im just not panicking and depressed  because I maintained the bare minimum but im not like ‘happy’ or impressed cause I dont see any progress. But then again, the way i define ‘progress’ is kind of too high standard as always so yeah I am kind of harsh on myself ‘as always’ again so maybe I am kinda doing okay i guess. well but bottom line, im not really ‘impressed’. 

Aha ok so theres that. then um oh! me catching cold after coming from Makkah, Well in the beginning i was sooooo tired for a day or two like i couldnt function at all. But then yeah all the classic symptoms started to arise. coughing, sneezing, throat irritation, blocked nose, runny nose, greenish sputum, difficulty breathing. Oh God, you name it! so I have been on medication for a week now and I have to continue for another 1 week. And its just not going away yet. like its there, constant! except for just last night when my throat wasnt itching much and luckily i could sleep like a babyyyyyyyyy for a change after a week. Oh so this whole week I used to go to bed around 12 to 1 or at 2 latest! Now whether I could fall asleep is a different story. Well most of the nights I did try to fall asleep like till fajr and i could like sleep for an hour or 2 max and then I would just wake up from coughing so much. and then Id just lie down till fajr and then get up and pray and then go to bed. 2 of the mornings I worked out after fajr and then took a shower and then slept around 7 in the morning. 

during the day, well i wake up always keeping in mind that I should not miss zuhr so lol that mean i kinda wake up usually around 2pm or even later sometimes. Since im talking about the entire week, this is like what i did majority of the days. Some days i woke up earlier though. but maybe thats like a day or 2 out of 7.  So its so hot during the day, like you dont even need to ‘move’ and youll already be sweating! I totally hate it and I have never been that tired of any weather ugh. Like I totally love winter now. not cause idk its fun or something but like i hate summer so muchhhhhhh that yeah i can basically go like i love winter 

Ok so the week kinda started with me being kind of tired mentally. parents were in the middle of a huge argument so yeah the whole atmosphere in the house was kinda blue and then I started eating so less and then starting with the treadmill and all and well it was just a bit tough to move from a phase to another. I wasnt having negative vibes and all but i just wished for more from life. I mean sometimes it is kind of too much to take. I get all the stuff about life not supposed to be perfect and how it is just temporary and how we should not get attached to worldly things. Yes all of that is cool and i get it but then when you are actually experiencing those ‘downs’ in life, youre obviously not going to be ‘okay’ with it and ofcourse youll wish things were better or youd just feel mentally drained out - despite knowing the entire “concept” of life - 

So yeah thats the phase I was in for a few days and then after a lot of thinking how I suddenly got out of the phase was when I was thinking about how every single person is subjected to life is a completely different way. Like you can never compare. You might think your life is horrible and so much shit has happened to you and everything and maybe someone else who never had to face anything similiar to the ‘shit’ you went through. Well maybe they had to experience something else. Something you are too blessed to even be aware of. What I am trying to say is how sometimes we wish for things is life and other people have it, that what you want. Or maybe they dont have what you want, but then in general it seems like there life seems ‘happier’ than yours. Well I dont really think it is true anymore. I kind of think everyone goes through almost an equal share of good and bad. and how do we define what is ‘good’ and what is ‘bad’? Well we just cant tbh. Because what might seem good to me and I would wish for could be something someone has and feels cursed with. I mean its all about perceptions. So someone maybe suffering in their own way but you are not just seeing it. Basically the point is, 

We should always be thankful, be patient and keep breathing. We should be aware of how our life is not going to be a compilation of scenes you get to watch in movies or be picture perfect. And we also need to protect ourselves from getting attached to anything or anyone so much! We need to be okay with letting go of things or people if we ever have to! And we also need to know that every single person out there ~ Everyone’s life is perfectly imperfect. Yes, of course I cant really disagree to how some people might seem to have better lives but then again, all the hardships you go through, you are being tested and you are being rewarded for them so at the end of the day it all balances off. 

So I was kind of really bored with life in general and also my days were boring too. Well theyre still pretty much boring but like i was also bored of life. Then I started thinking of certain people who are having more boring lives than mine, and who dont even have the blessings I am gifted with. And everything started to just get more acceptable. And then I started thinking of my brother. I mean its so cool he is going to move to Canada in like less than 2 months inshaAllah and all. I am really happy for him and wish nothing but the best of the best for him and all but but but.. I mean just think of it. At first I was thinking of my some of the people Ik who arent really in a pretty place maybe because of financial reasons. Then there were people that came to my mind who arent in a pretty place because of just family reasons. And then ones who are just simply having to work a bit harder and so theyre not at a pretty place. Some who are away from friends, family because of life. So yeah. then I started thinking of my brother. I mean he is going to move soon and he will be living in a dorm and I mean he will be in Canada in one of the top 5 universities in the country and he has a scholarship. MashAllah that all sounds so great. Something Id want too but but but. then i started thinking of life in general. I mean he will be living on his own. He doesnt have to cook though, he has subscribed to a meal plan so he doesnt have to worry about preparing his food. but like living alone in his dorm room. I mean coming home every day to his room. Well cool thing though he wont be sharing a room with anyone and he will have his own toilet and stuff but then again, i mean he will be alone. Im not saying that an alternate scenario could be one where hed come home to his family and woah everyone would be partying and laughing and smiling and all. I mean even when he is at home right now he is like always in front of his computer busy with his own stuff and all but like idk Id still prefer coming home and having some other humans who are family. Atleast once in a while you know. or maybe its just me. but then still, i mean uni and studies are stressful enough, id just want to see people i love around! And yeah that is one of the main reasons why I didnt finally decide to study abroad right after high school! 

So yeah then I started realizing that there are so many ways I already am blessed. Even on every one of my ‘boring’ days, there are blessings i am encountering which many people arent getting even on their normal days. Yeah that kind of cheered me up! 

So this week, more like this month or like the entire 2 months will be about my bro lol. I mean theres a lot of shopping to do. like clothes, toilet stuff, laundry stuff, bed, pillow, shoe, laptop, tootpaste, mug, spoon and what not. literally everything. I mean its actually fun. Like you go to a shop and literally anything you touch, is something in the shopping list for him!! i mean normally somethings are like just too basic, youd never in years touch them in a shop cause like you have it, its there!!! but for him, have to get everything since he will start from scratch! 

Ok so now about myself! Well like i said, the week started pretty rough because of the whole change in phase. parents fighting, me not eating much considering how food is one of the means by which i look for comfort, and then life just being boring in general and then how getting on the treadmill is such a pain in the ass in the first place and not to mention the extremely hot temperature these days and then you dont really see any difference. I mean duh. DUHHHHH howd i even be thinking to see any difference? I mean i KNOWWW its too soon for any difference but like all these staying patient emotionally, mentally about so many different aspects in life..It all can get pretty heavy sometimes!!!! Oh and then its like i really really really love myself. Like a LOT LOT. now like i said, once you already love someone, I mean, well, to fall in love ofcourse the person needs to have good qualities most of the time but then like once you already love someone, you love them despite their imperfections. Well, thats how you love ‘another person’. but when you love yourself. Forget qualities!!! you love yourself regardless lol! Where I am getting with this is!!! I mean right now, i really am not AT ALL happy with my body, like not. at . ALL. Infact I have never been this unhappy about my body ever in my life. And also I kind of feel really dumb. Like wow, Alhamdulillah whatever I did in my exams and all, i am thankful for that but like as a person in general. I really dont feel smart enough plus I literally dont remember anything i studied. like i actually wonder how tf did are they just not there in my head anymore. Like i definitely did study them or else i wouldnt pass my exams so now where the hellllll did all that go awaaayyyyy whatttttttttt

yeah so 4th year basically you need to know your shit. like you actually need to know what they taught you in the last 3 years. like youre actually be walking with doctors and interacting with them one on one. its not going to be like the last 3 years where like it doesnt really matter whether you are alive or dead, asleep or awake. like you just make sure you have your name signed. so theres the attendance part covered. and you make sure you finish every lecture and to do that you have time till before you enter the “exam code” on your laptop and start the exam!!!! You see, now! you actually need to know shit, you actually need to go see patients with the doctors and even without the doctors, you need to go to patients, and take history from them which TADAAA will be in arabic. oh wow!! So yeah if you dont know arabic you need a friend/ translator! yeah and then you need to tell your history to your doctor in english thank god lol :p but like yeah, and you ll be in small groups of 6 - 10 with a doctor and like he might bring up a disease he wants to discuss and SURE af it wont be something they found out about 2 minutes ago. ofcourse it will be something we are expected to have covered in the last 3 years or uni and you cant just go like. OH I never heard about it!!!! Idk what it is!!! Ok lol i guess im freaking out now. 

Anyways so what i was saying. yeah so not happy with my body, plus i think im really dumb and then its just TOO DAMN HOT i cant do anything, I CANT EVEN MOVE. so yeah its pretty disturbing! Also not to mention how not eating much is so hard Ughh! 

Ok so i have been typing for over an hour now. I kind of think I covered everything I wanted to blog about for the whole week but like Im not sure and I dont want to read all what i wrote right now cause its already so boring cause its like always in my head anywaysssss and yeah thats one nice thing about blogging. Ahh. like once i hit the ‘post’ button and then woah!!! all these thoughts just turn into feather in my head!!!!! hahaahh!! 

But i still do read what i write again everytime, prolly at the end of the day to make sure nothing is ‘misunderstood or sounds completely opposite of what I actually wanted to say and all. blablaaa. So yeah if somethings mssing, ill fill it up

okay enough blabbering. Tataa!!!!!! :) 

[suckit-aynrand]

wow okay.

i just now finally got the guts to softblock my ex’s tumblr after a fucking year and a half.

ive wanted to rant and piss and moan about that whole debacle on here for so long but because she followed me etc. i never did because i didnt want to stir shit up

i shouldve done this a long time ago because every time i saw a post she reblogged i’d feel sick to my stomach and get really depressed tbh.

so now im trying to release all my shitty feelings by writing it out....

she was my first kiss and then she ended it before we were even able to give it a chance even though i’d liked her for over 6 months prior.

she was a fucking bitch though and made me feel so shitty about myself... unfortunately, i have an issue where i need everyone to like me so the more someone doesn’t care about me the harder I try and any drop of affection from them is like a drug.

ok so like she told me she was gay in like february or some shit and i told her I was bi because i was still trying to figure my shit out and then I started developing feelings for her (ie, see above) which i’d never done before because id never opened myself up to thinking about a girl that way and never with guys except for feeling ill....

so yeah, we were friends for a long time and i really liked her that whole time but i was fucking what 19 and had never done anything with anyone and was really nervous about stuff like that and, especially because of her personality where she’d be a total bitch 75% of the time and shoot down anything i said (which id just brush off as a joke or whatever and laugh) so no way in hell was i going to ever fucking make a move and i’d sleep over at her house (she lived at home) and she knew I had no experience and i told her id never even kissed anyone and she’d call me a “spring chicken” and shit because i was such a fucking everything virgin

we spooned once but i was so nervous and freaking out because im bad with touching people in general because i have this huge fear of doing something wrong and being rejected and totally overthing everything??

we also had this stupid bullshit thing about “ymir and krista” from attack on titan- shut the fuck up, i know, but like it was kind an apt metaphor for our personalities and looks (besides height because i was taller than her) so i remember and breaking point in my crush was when there was a “pick ten pictures that represent your aesthetic” on tumblr or whatever so i picked a bunch of pics or whatever and then one that was ymir/krista and i tagged her to do it too (do your sleuthing on your own time fellas) and she ALSO put a ymir/krista pic in hers so i was like HOLY FUCK IS THIS KISMET??? and then got my shit together to admit to my sister that i liked her and was bi (lol... that was a while ago...) and planned to ask her out myself.

anyway, like the next night, and incidentally on the night of the Supermoon in 2015 (when there was an eclipse on the night of the supermoon) i stopped by her job at gamestop when i was at the mall with friends to say hi (which i would do whenever possible... again, i was/am desperate for affection) and she said she was getting off soon and her grandparents were in town and were going to dinner at a place at the mall and would i like to go with so i was like sure so we went and then I went back to her place with her family and we sat outside to watch the supermoon and we were like holding hands and shit because it was cold and it was montana in late september etc. and i was nervous and all but all blushy and excited because of my previous nights shit, and then we eventually moved onto the back porch and she asked me if id want to date and i was like yes and then her homophobic grandparents came out to see if we were still watching the moon or whatever and then we went in to her room where i slept over and when we were looking out the window she kissed me and i was super nervous and blusy so it was like just a quick peck but it was my first kiss and i wanted to do it again but also i was scared to (like... because of her? and i was scared she wouldnt want to?)

so then the next morning i got a ride back to my place by her mom because i had an early class and we kissed (quickly again) before i left and then the next night i slept over at her place again but we didnt kiss at all... after that i would keep texting her and trying to make plans and stuff - i wasnt a student at the time but i lived close to campus so i was always like let me know when youre free and i can come up and meet you for lunch or i can come up and do anything because i wanted to see her and shit and she’d always be like “im busy with work/school/band etc.” so i was just like ok let me know when youre not and id visit her at work when i could but i didnt have a car and she was working and i didnt want to hang out in gamestop or whatever so id just pop in and it was awkward...

id said earlier that i wanted to go to the rocky horror show live that they did downtown so i saved up over $100 to get us tix and dressed all slutty for it (for her but also for rocky) and she wasnt really into it and i was trying to make it fun etc. and i had planned for her to stay the night at my place afterwards because i had an extra mattress under my bed for guests (THAT I LITERALLY ONLY BROUGHT WITH THE SPECIFIC INTENTION OF IT BEING FOR HER) but she said she had to go home or whatever and so i drove her home and walked her in and we kissed (quick kiss again) as i was leaving and then we kissed again, but like a couple little kisses in a row, and i was trying so hard to do it right but i was so nervous and that was all good (except she told me that my fucking MAC LIPSTICK didnt taste good... that fucker....) and then i left and continued to try to meet up with her and then one day she asked me if i was free to come talk to her on campus so i tried to dress up all cute and then she broke up with me.

the break up was so weird too because she was like “ive been too busy to see you, and ive been having a really hard time with my mom lately, and my dads cancer just came back and i want to still be friends and maybe next semester we can try again” and all and she was like crying (like a little bit) so i didnt want to be dramatic and make her feel bad so i tried to keep it light etc. (like i always do because im a fuck) so i was like its all good im so sorry youre having all this shit let me know if i can do anything etc. and then i hung out for a bit to try to make her feel like it was all good (even though i was devastated inside..... im just really awful with my emotions...) and then i left and was in a trance for a few days.... like even though practically nothing happened i didnt know (and still dont know???) what happened???

like....... was it because i wasnt really making any moves??? because i was trying like especially at halloween etc.????? and like she was the one who asked me out?????? like... i was also open about the fact that i’d be moving away the following summer most likely because i was changing schools and whenever i’d bring it up before we were “together” she’d legit like tear up and be like “you cant leave” and shit...?? was that why???? and like this still really gets to me even though it shouldnt and she truly was very hurtful to me in so many ways beyond this bullshit??? i just feel like i expended so much effort on building my relationship with her and never got any reciprication? 

like... there were a couple of times the following semester where she’d text me and ask to get together with another friend or whatever and i really really really wanted to say no but that word isnt in my vocabulary because im an anti-confrontational pushover so we would and it would be so weird for me but id really really work to pretend like it wasnt and then i moved.

and i really honestly wanted to message her and be like can you just be open with me about why because i feel like i got no closure and i thought about doing it a bunch but i never did because im a coward and scared of putting other people in situations that might make them uncomfortable because i know how uncomfortable they make me and how much i hate it???? i also thought about asking a mutual friend if he knew anything about it because he was closer with her but i didnt even know if she told any of her friends/family about it because she was super open about being gay but didnt want me to be open about our relationship because, in her words, “they’d say we told you so and we knew” and she wanted to prove them wrong for as long as possible or something?

but now like a year and a half later its sooooo way beside the point and too late so like i cant do it now.... but i havent been in another relationship obviously and like last semester i was getting really unreasonably jealous over her ambiguous snap story about getting ice cream with her girl and how much she loves her even though im more than halfway across the country from her and now ive definitely calmed down and have faced the fact that she was a bitch but like i still feel so stuck with no closure and also am terrified that i’ll never find anyone else? and i also know that its my fault but i wish i knew how much and what i could do better in the future because im terrified of making the same mistakes again and feeling this emptiness?

i wish this were easier. im so sorry for spilling all this shit but ive been bottling it up for so long and have only ever told my sister and even her i didnt tell everything and i feel free now that i wont be seeing her posts anymore and can hopefully let this settle even more....